#(why was it such a struggle to make this post first I accidentally delete all my tags and then my fucking browser crashes gdi...)

[bistaxx]

k!Fargan is back and he wants to confess to k!Alexby ^_^!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[the-final-sif]

Dream's Response Summary

Dream posted a response to various accusations, covering just about everything ever because he was done with this shit. I've done my best to summarize it here, but I recommend going and watching his whole video. This is going to be extremely summarized for readability and I'm only going to cover stuff I consider serious so anything about speedrunning is getting skipped.

The tl:dr is: Dream never groomed anyone or had inappropriate contact with anyone underage, he provided proof that one accuser flat out lied, and the other ""accusation"" was from a third party who was never involved. The actual supposed victim released a statement that they were never groomed, nor a victim in any way, never was asked about someone sharing information about them, and wants everyone to shut the fuck up.

Police were never actually contacted, both twitter accounts were lying about doing so to make their claims seem real. Also the supposed snapchat video shown is a very obvious fake.

He covers Manatreed, the run down is the guy was a childhood best friend he grew up with and who was struggling with homelessness. Dream helped him, and never knew about the battery charge (Manatreed had lied to him about it). When Dream spoke to Manatreed's ex girlfriend, she was very clear she never wanted any of this publicly out there, that she was happy that Dream had been helping Manatreed and she wanted the best for him.

Dream still doesn't know exactly what happened with that situation, he has since lost contract with Manatreed, all he knows is he was trying to help a childhood friend and got lied to.

The first allegation from Oxy/Anastasia, he's extremely clear they only ever messaged in twitter dms and he disproves the claim about the texts/tik tok. He has a google voice number hooked up to his tik tok account for obvious reasons, and she was showing imessage texts. This is not possible, which means she was lying.

As part of this, Dream scrolls through his twitter dms and shows he responds to fans all the time and talks to people in his community from all over. He also shows how he's friends with and has hired people that were fans of his, including people like Foolish.

He discusses Amanda, the two of them messaged on instagram back when he was a much smaller creator. He showed/posted the transcript of the two of them talking about normal stuff. They had been messaging since 2020. He did attempt to post a complete transcript of those messages, but she had deleted some of her messages and he doesn't have a way to recover them.

Dream explains that Instagram has a "feature" where if you ever reply to someone, then you literally cannot remove their ability to message you without blocking them. Something I did not know about instagram and which is fucking wild.

Since he replied to her in 2020, that meant she could message him forever and her notifications would be constantly showing up for him. He attempted to delete her messages/her ability to message him back in 2021 and showed proof of this, but realized he couldn't. Dream also in doing so accidentally deleted the context to her messages that she was a fan and basically everything prior to 2021.

Since he didn't remember her (what with the prior messages deleted), she was dmnig him from her personal account without fan content on it and was talking about being a streamer, he assumed she was a smaller streamer he knew and was talking to her as such.

They were talking about music so he gave her his personal snapchat to talk and because he wanted to get some feedback on a new song he was working on. He wanted to send the song via snapchat so he could be reasonably sure it'd stay private.

Dream categorically denies any sexting with Amanda or sexual messaging at all, he goes through why she most likely did this (he had been ignoring her messages and made a new snapchat with only close friends). He also downloaded his own data (something Amanda refused to/failed to do), went through the snapchat logs and did see some messages, but never saw either of his supposed compliments to her.

Amanda claimed Dream deleted her dms and that's why she couldn't provide any of the evidence she claimed she had, but Dream showed those same DMs very clearly undeleted. The dms were never deleted and she lied as an excuse.

Amanda lied about going to the police. Dream had his lawyers file a bunch of requests, and track down the police station that she went to based on the photo. They filed every request possible for any information with this police station, and there was no record of Amanda visiting the station or any records relating to Dream whatsoever. So either she lied about filing anything, or she told a story such that the police filed literally no paperwork whatsoever about the situation. Not even a report.

Dream sent the police station a copy of his own drivers license and Amanda's information so they could contact him if anything did come up, and nothing ever did. Nothing was filed, nobody cared.

Dream got swatted several times as a result of online harassment, including his family, and the harassment was overwhelming and awful for him.

He addresses the gumball situation, he showed up to a birthday party for a friend, gumball's VA was there and kept getting aggressive with him. While on facetime with some friends, Cantu ended up hitting Dream to impress them. Dream was obviously put off by this, but at the end of the night people ended up ubering together and Dream ended up in an uber with Cantu. He thought it'd be fine since other people were involved.

Cantu dropped his phone out the window made the uber driver pull over to look for it and got in trouble with the police. The uber driver tried to talk to Cantu about handling the police in the future, and Cantu started calling the uber driver slurs and claiming the uber driver had "down syndrome".

Dream got involved, trying to defend the uber driver, and Cantu threatened to kill him and called him slurs. Later Cantu apologized and Dream wanted to forgive him. Only later, Cantu started spreading lies about him and calling him a pedophile, so Dream realized the apology wasn't sincere and called him out for his behavior.

The third party who had been filming all of this saw what Cantu was doing lying about Dream and trying to claim none of this happened. They reached out to Dream and gave him the actual video as proof of what happened. Cantu tried to threaten them out of sending Dream the video of what happened, but they ignored him and sent them anyways. Dream also had the uber driver in his video backing up what he said.

Finally, the Jamie Allegations

Jamie is a mutual friend of several people that Dream knew, she did not post the allegations, she was never contacted about any of this she made an explicit statement that she was never groomed or a victim in any way.

Dream and Jamie meet prior to Dream being a youtuber on bbh's minecraft server, they were both fans of Skeppy. Which is why Jamie was followed by Dream, Skeppy, Vurb and some other youtubers in their friend group.

Jamie is still active online and put out her own statement, the person in the screenshots never gave permission for any of this to be put out, and they are very clear that the messages were taken out of context and that the claims made are false. The person in the screens is clear Dream is not a groomer, they never accused him of that, and that the twitter account is lying.

The snapchat video shown is very obviously fake, because snapchat just magically opens itself, there's no finger or button use interacting with the screen.

The burner account never actually contacted the police, Dream records him calling to the department they claimed to contact, and the person answering is very clear they have no contact from this person.

The supposed recent document posted is a fake convo of someone using a fake twitter account to talk to "Jamie", Jamie did not talk to them and it's just fake.

All of this was incredibly damaging for Jamie, who had no idea what was going on, and was getting harassed/stalked/having her irls contact.

Dream has also faced waves of harassment over obviously fake allegations, people have just been taking them at face value. He also shows how easy it is to fake these things as I have done.

He's been swatted, harassed, his family has been swatted and harassed, he's been scared for his own safety several times. It's been awful for him, and all based on fake shit. He's not stepping back from minecraft, but he is stepping back from twitter and no longer engaging with people behaving this way.

Also his ping pong record was undefeated.

[ravendarkwood]

Some of my favorite things about Chayanne!

He likes swimming! The reason Phil has that bath outside of his house is because that was a little swimming area for Chayanne when Philza and Missa first build his house. Swimming was one of the first things he did when they got him up the wall (it was very cute). I also very distinctly remember a moment where Phil and Chayanne visited Bad's house, and Chayanne took off his armor and swam for a bit in this two by two infinite water source that Bad had inside his house while Phil and Bad talked. He wants to be a water dragon when he hatches into a dragon.

He likes being up high! Or, if there's a random block up a bit higher than other blocks Chayanne will get up onto it. A very popular choice is that orange wool that is outside of his house. If I remember correctly Missa gave it to him for a bed (this was the first day and they didn't know how the eggs operated so they didn't know that he had like a bed bed. They also fed him seeds for a while because they didn't know he needed actual food).

Chayanne used to throw himself off of the wall a lot, which is why the fence and walls were put up. I think he enjoys making his fathers worry and likes exciting things. I saw a twitter post point out that Chayanne used to be a lot more disobedient until one day that led to Ramon's first death, and that's been living rent free in my head.

Chayanne can be suspicious of strangers! The first time that Wilbur showed up at Chayanne's house he attacked him before Phil reassured Chayanne that Wil was a friend. Another time this is illustrated is that one of the first times Chayanne met Richarlyson he asked him a bunch of questions trying to figure out here he came from.

Going off that last bit, Chayanne is actually interested in knowing about the mysteries going on in the island when it pertains to the safety of others. He questioned Richarlyson when he first showed up, asking where he came from and if he was a danger to others, and the day that Phil had to defend Chayanne , Richarlyson, and Leo from the code Phil actually wanted to leave early, but Chayanne wanted to stay because he was eavesdropping on the other adults because they were talking about the eggs.

Chayanne is very quiet! He's said a few times that he struggles with words and expressing himself, and he uses body language to communicate a lot. One of my favorite moments is when he threw Phil is sword, and then started shift dancing on top of the anvil because it was low on durability and he wanted Phil to repair it. Phil was talking to Wil at the same time, and didn't know what Chayanne meant until he clarified it.

Speaking of shift dancing, Chayanne does it a lot. One of my favorite dance moves is when he jumps in the air, spins in a circle, all while shifting. It just makes Chayanne look very excitable and I think it's cute.

If I remember correctly Chayanne's first pet was the white cat that's in the boat outside of Phil's house. It's name is Avocado. Chayanne seems to really enjoy small animals in general, having cats, raccoons, parrots, and axolotls as pets. Phil actually took Chayanne and Tallulah into a cave, and Chayanne took a dive off of the cliff to get one of the axolotls, which lead to a bunch of mobs attacking him. I think that one was one of the two that lived in the pond in front of the house, but I think they accidentally got wiped when other mobs got deleted.

Going off of the last point, when Chayanne sees a raccoon in the wild, he'll pause, crouch down in front of it, stare at it for a few seconds, before going back to running again.

Despite what Phil says, Chayanne actually does enjoy decorating and things looking good. He and Tallulah decorated the basement together, and he argued a bit with BBH when he told Chayanne to use the block enforcer in his safe room because it would make the blocks ugly. He was wanting to decorate his safe room for a while before they got to it.

Chayanne also has some Autumnal vibes to him. When he decorates he uses a lot of oranges and yellows and dark woods and red leaves, and uses jack-o-lanterns a lot for lighting. Since he's gotten it he's also been favoring his jack-o-lantern staff when not in fights, a few times conjuring a Mr. Pumpkin to hang around him. He also has a lot of death vibes, but so does his entire family so.

Chayanne wears a skull helmet a lot when he doesn't need to wear full armor. Missa made him a whole set so they could match, and Chayanne likes wearing it. Recently he's also been wearing a king's crown a lot more, and mixed with Bonnie's "he smells like an old king" thing, this is most likely a reference to Technoblade.

After coming back with cracks Chayanne was very disappointed with himself and that his siblings and him got hurt, and even said that he wanted to be strong like Technoblade. Phil managed to cheer him up by giving him a pep talk about getting back up when pushed down and if Chayanne was Phil's little hero.

Chayanne tends to write and all lowercase, including referring to himself and other's names, but that's not an always thing.

Chayanne and Tallulah are pretty much a team at this point. They'll very often say things like "I've got your back" and things like that to each other when they need reassurance. I bet a lot of people who don't watch Phil have seen Chayanne's "u and me, u and me always" sign to Tallulah when she was extremely distressed about being dirty.

Chayanne tends not to hit people. This is true of Tallulah and Phil too, with Phil only hitting Chayanne or Tallulah by accident or like when it's meant to be a high five or something, and Tallulah gets into slap fights with Chayanne sometimes when they disagree with each other or hits Phil when he says a joke she doesn't like, but Chayanne doesn't usually hit people? When he wants someone to read his sign he stands next to it and does a shift dance or jumps until they notice.

My favorite scene with Chayanne and Phil:

Chayanne: "I mean, gosh I'm bad with words! I don't want to die, I won't die soon, I take everything you [Philza] showed us seriously. Thank you so much of [for?] that. When the giant squid grabbed me I was shaking bc [because] I thought that was the end of it. So yeah, it's not a good feeling."

[A few minutes where they talk about pictures, and Chayanne seems to collect his thoughts?]

"There's something else I want to say. Last time with Forever, I spent so much time out of home. It was nice but felt weird. I'm always saying I want to go to dungeons, but my life so far has been pretty chill. And you know what, I love it it's perfect. I wouldn't change it."

Philza: "Aw, I'm glad Chayanne, I'm glad. I was getting a bit worried I'll be honest when I came back from TwitchCon or wherever and I heard that you had been going through dungeons and stuff and you had so much fun I was like 'aw man. Am I a bad dad?'."

Chayanne: "I once said this to Dad Missa. I don't envy anyone, or anything. I love our current family."

This turned out way longer than I meant it to be. I dunno, what are some of your favorite things about your favorite eggs that people might not know?

[yoificfinder]

Hi anon! Sorry I accidentally deleted your ask while I was in the process of making a rec list for your request because of the editing issue I have on tumblr. Fortunately, I was able to take a screenshot before deleting. And hopefully, the issue is now fixed!

Here's my rec list of canon-divergent fics where it was Victor who skated Eros/Agape:

a certain playboy by fan_nerd [G, 4K]

@v-nikiforov - The handsome playboy has returned to town. Please pay special attention to my Free Skate tomorrow. ♥♥♥

There’s no way that Victor, Yuuri’s childhood idol, could be calling Yuuri a handsome playboy, just because they’d met eyes at two skating events. Besides, a total stranger had given Yuuri the tickets. It would be totally absurd.

Yuuri frowns, turning his head on the pillow. Wouldn’t it?

catch me (i'm falling) by @spookyfoot [T, 5K]

Victor skates the saltiest Eros routine of all time and issues a call out on international television.

darling, stay by my side by jenmishe [T, 16K]

“Yuuri!” Phichit cries. “I know you have this weird insomnia thing, but for the love of god, get some sleep. Or at least turn the phone down. I know it’s after midnight there.”

“Holy shit, Phichit,” says Yuuri. “Yakov Feltsman wants to coach me.”

“Holy shit,” Phichit agrees, wide eyed.

(Or: Vicchan lives and fate is a funny thing.)

A Myriad of Possibilities by ztwilightzx [T, 92K]

“I have to go!” Yuuri blurts out. As an assistant coach, he needs to be at Minami’s interviews, even if it is Victor of all people standing right in front of him.

“Wait—” Victor says, but Yuuri has already ducked away. “Yuri!” he hears Victor call from behind him.

Yuuri doesn’t stop. He’s made that mistake before – why would Victor Nikiforov know who Yuuri is this year any more than he did last year? Yuri Plisetsky is debuting as a senior, after all, and might be here at the Cup of China to support his rinkmates.

It may be the sound of Yuuri’s name on Victor’s lips, but there is no way Victor is calling for him.

(Canon-divergence. The Nishigori triplets never upload Yuuri's rendition of Stammi Vicino online. Yuuri buys himself time to decide whether he wants to stay on the ice or retire by joining Minami Kenjirou's team as an assistant coach.

Victor never hears from the beautiful Japanese skater after Sochi. He choreographs On Love: Eros because he can’t quite let go, but it’s getting harder to push himself on the ice and the cracks are starting to show.

Two lost individuals take a different route to find love and life, but they eventually get there all the same.

same song, different dance by @crossroadswrite [T, 88K]

The line is silent for a moment, as Yuuri stands there, fingers getting progressively colder as he hears Minako breathe in his ear, not really willing to hang up first.

“The Grand Prix is just around the corner,” Minako says, her tone almost wistful.

He breathes out slowly to steady himself. “It is.”

“… Are you going to watch it?”

Yuuri shouldn’t. He knows it’ll feel awful to watch everyone he knows trying their best at something he loves when he can’t anymore. But it’s Phichit’s first year in the Grand Prix, and Victor’s competing, so…

“Of course,” he says, and is proud of how steady his voice comes out. He doesn’t know if it’s a lie or not.

(Or: in which Yuuri's Stammi Vicino skate never gets posted and he retires, Victor keeps himself skating for better or for worse, Yuri struggles with his debut, and missed opportunities have a way of righting themselves.)

Other recs are welcome!

---

ETA: Other people's rec:

starting right now I'll be strong by @alexseanchai [T, 1k] *WIP

Enthrall by poppysocle [E, 106K]

[ducktracy]

this is an INCREDIBLY ambitious project and i’m already strapped for time in my daily life as is. but one of my goals is to steadily maintain multiple Animal Crossing towns in multiple games, without resetting to find ideal villagers. THIS SOUNDS LIKE THE ABSOLUTE BARE MINIMUM. but it’s been a genuine compulsion i’ve struggled with for the near 20 years i’ve been playing this franchise. so that’s all fine and dandy

why i’m making this post is because i messed up so badly. i accidentally made my name “ Eliza” in the Gamecube version and was like, oh okay, i’ll just contradict my own rule here. but first i wanted to see my villagers

aaaaaaaand one of them is Purrl! who is my all time favorite villager! and is why i even developed this compulsion because she was in my first ever Wild World town that i deleted because i was like 6 years old and didn’t know anything and i’ve been trying to compensate for that stupid mistake for 17 years. so I’M NOT GONNA DELETE IT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!! (and look she’s being so nice and friendly about it too)

you guys this is so stupid. i can’t believe this is happening to me. this looks so stupid. what am i getting into

[cupidskissx]

PROMPT!

“I swear I’m over you, but if you ever do shit like that again, you’re going to set me back to square one.”

with lestappen. duh. 😇

The spin off to @xiaoluclair’s original Spy AU that I finally got a chance to edit to fit this prompt! 🥰🥷

~ 1.3k

“I was making croissants, do you realise how much effort goes into that?” Charles shakes his head, “You pick the worst times to pull this shit,” he tsks as he struggles to unties the thick knots.

Max’s arms are twisted behind his back, linked around a pipe, his wrists bound together. His torso is also tied to the pipe keeping him propped upright. His captors must have learnt from their precious mistake because Max’s ankles are quadruple knotted to the pipe opposite him. Charles’ eyes flick up to the staircase every so often as he works to loosen the first knot that ties his knees together.

“I would have figured out a way to escape.”

“Yeah right, that’s why you doubled texted...”

“I didn’t think you’d see them.”

Max had sent the messages to Charles via their old voice-to-text software embedded into an advanced AI application. The one they used to use to send encrypted sexts to each other when they were dating and posted long distance.

Charles should have turned off his notifications, or better yet, deleted the app months ago, but now’s not the time to think about why he hasn’t, so he just says, “You’re an idiot!”

“You’re not too bright yourself, coming here alone,” Max scolds, “You should have called for backup.”

“They’d only get in the way and make this harder than it already is, stop moving, would you?”

“It fucking tickles, mate,” Max grumbles as Charles keeps accidentally tickling the backs of his knees.

“Oh no,” Max’s genuine dismay causes Charles to look up. Max’s face has contorted into something anguished.

“What? What is it?” Charles asks, checking him over, then looking towards the staircase. They’re still alone in the dank cellar.

“That buzzing noise, it’s the 10 second warning before they blare the most horrific alarm.”

Max isn’t one to exaggerate, he says it how it is and that’s it. Therefore, Charles believes him that this is no small thing. “It’s gone off at least 15 times. Trust me, block your ears.”

Charles shuffles up towards the pipe, pressing his knees into the side of his hip as he leans in.

“What are you d—”

Max falls quiet when Charles cups his ears just in time before that alarm sounds. He can only imagine it’s similar to standing directly under an air raid siren, he flinches, eyes squinting at the intensity of it.

Max tries to pull away, saying something that Charles can’t hear.

“Stop that!” Charles yells, even he can’t hear it.

Max shrugs violently, trying to free himself from Charles’ hands.

“I said stop,” Charles says in earnest and Max gives him an imploring look like he wants Charles to cover his own ears, and that sets those stupid butterflies off. They quickly migrate to be replaced by frustration when Max tries, yet again, to free himself.

Charles resorts to the one thing that he knows will stun him. He leans all the way in, keeping his ears blocked as he kisses him.

That does the trick, Max goes stiff as a board, Charles tries not to smile, adding more pressure for added effect. He isn’t overly surprised when Max kisses him back, but he didn’t expect it to be so hungry! Max kisses like he’s been starved, and it makes Charles’ stomach churn with want and guilt and forgiveness. Why the fuck did they give up on this?

It takes them both a moment to realise the siren has stopped. Max is the first to pull away, cheeks a touch pink. He clears his throat and can’t quite meet Charles’ eye. Charles moves his hands down to his shoulders.

“For the record?” Charles’ voice is distant through the ringing in his ears.

Max takes a breath before meeting his eye.

“I am over you.”

Max snorts, “I can’t say I believe that anymore.”

“But—“ Charles continues, “if you keep pulling shit like this,” he gestures in a sweeping motion up and down his body, “You’re going to give me a hero complex and set me back to square one.”

Max is silent for a long moment.

“Square one is pretty cozy,” Max’s expression is blasé but the way his Adam’s apple bobs gives away his trepidation.

Charles, try as he might, he is unable to prevent his eyebrows from twitching up and his lips from parting. It takes a beat too long to finds his voice, “Is it now?”

“Yeah, it is. You should come over tomorrow night, to talk and stuff.”

Charles was not expecting Max to pivot so sharply, like usual he’s compelled to fight and catch up. “And stuff?”

“And stuff,” Max emphasises, his desire unbridled for the first time in months.

“I’m a very busy man, I might get called out to save another inept colleague.”

“Do you go around kissing the rest of the team as part of a rescue mission?”

“Only the ones I know will kiss me back,” Charles teases.

“You realise the whole team has thought about making out with you a least once, yeah?” Max laughs.

“Fine, the only one I want to kiss me back, then. Better?” The words are out of his mouth before he realises. There’s no point taking them back now.

“Eh, I suppose.”

“You suppose?” Charles leans in again, slowly this time.

“Don’t push your luck, mister,” Max tilts his head, “Untie me first then maybe I’ll consider slipping my tongue into your mouth as a little thank you.”

Charles rolls his eyes, “Now you’ve gone and made it gross,” Charles huffs, and because he loves to test the limits he glides his hands down his arms, moving into him until their chests are practically flush, his fingers finding the knots binding his wrists together. Charles can’t see anything but the pipe at this angle so he closes his eyes and rests his face against the side of Max’s head.

Max has gone very quiet while Charles diligently unties him.

“Everything okay?” Charles mocks him like his own heart isn’t pounding in his chest.

“Yeah,” Max whispers. “You’re making this very difficult, is all.”

“Good,” Charles whispers.

“Charles,” Max is stern, like he means it, bringing home the fact they have a lot they need to talk about, and this is not something they should joke about.

“I know, sorry,” Charles presses his face a bit more against Max’s head in apology.

Charles manages to free Max’s hands, he helps to bring his arms back around without twinging any of his muscles. Charles rubs his red raw wrists for a moment before looping his arms back around him to untie his torso.

Max ends up circling his arms around Charles’ waist, holding him closer, and if that doesn’t set his skin on fire nothing else will.

He fumbles over the knots a few times. “There,” he says eventually, triumphant as the rope loosens. “Now you can finish untying your knees and I’ll work on this,” Charles goes to shuffle over to where his ankles are tied to the other pipe but he doesn’t get very far. He’s pulled into a toe curling kiss that Max is pouring a hell of a lot of effort and gratitude into.

“Okay, okay,” Charles taps his shoulder, and Max lets up, “Don’t wear yourself out. Plenty of time for that later,” Charles promises, pressing a swift kiss to his lips and moving down to free him.

[messrmoonyy]

Hiya! Can I request either a one shot of Layla and a shy reader? Reader invites her out on a date but doesn’t specifically say it’s a date because they are so timid. So Layla only realizes that it’s a date halfway through. OR hcs about what Layla is like when she realizes she’s in love with you. Whichever interests you more :3

A date. Of sorts

Layla El-Faouly x afab reader

A/N- Hello my sweet anon! I absolutely did both because my love for Layla El-Faouly knows no bounds. Sorry this took way. Way. longer than expected I accidentally deleted it when I finshed it and had to re write it all 😩 the hcs are over on my masterlist and were posted forvever ago. This is my first full layla os but I hope you enjoy <3

Word count: 5.3k

Warnings: none. It’s fluff. Tooth rotting.

Masterlist- requests are open! <3

Comments and reblogs are always appreciated!

You were woken up by the sound of your phone ringing. At first you didn’t fully acknowledge it, rolling over to the other side of the bed and guessing it was more than likely just in your dream. But then it started up again and you realised it was in fact your phone, you rolled back and picked it up just before it finished ringing.

“ hello? “ you mumbled as you held it to to your ear, not even looking at who it was that was calling, your eyes still half closed.

“ well hello to you sleepy head “ your eyes opened fully at the sound of her voice, butterflies erupting in your stomach the way that they always did whenever you spoke to her.

“ lay- Layla. Hi? “ she chuckled over the phone as you tried to shake the sleep away from your head. What time was it?

“ where are you it’s 10am? “

“ what? We’re closed today “ you mumbled and let your head drop back down into your pillow, your eyes falling closed again, still holding the phone to your ear.

“ you know what day it is? “ you frowned at the odd question. Of course you did. That’s why you hadn’t moved from bed yet and had no stress about going to bed early the previous night. In fact you’d been up until almost 4.

“ what? “

“ my gods. Y/N. It’s stock count day! The whole reason we are closed. You said you’d help “ you could practically hear her pouting at you through the phone. You groaned and rubbed at your forehead, a headache starting to make itself apparent behind your eyes “ please? “

“ give me half an hour? 45 minutes tops?“

“ life saver! See you soon “ you tossed your phone to the end your bed with a groan. Rubbing at your eyes to wipe away the sleep. It’s not like you had any real plans for today, you had agreed to help her out. And you could think of worst ways to spend the day.

You’d had a crush on Layla ever since she’d started working at the antiques store with you. The day she’d come in searching for a job you’d simply froze in her presence.

“ hey! I was wondering if there were any jobs available here I have a lot of experience “ you’d been like a deer in headlights. No one really ever came in and when they did it was older people, or the odd hipster trying to seem quirky and different by shopping for antiques. Never someone like her. You’d not even managed a word, simply squeaked and scurried off into the back for your manager.

You hadn’t actually managed a conversation with her until 2 weeks of her being there. Even now you struggled sometimes. When you couldn’t see her it wasn’t so bad, you would have long conversations on the phone often. Even if you were mostly listening. But in person? She was far too overwhelming.

How did anyone have the ability to stand in her presence and simply just… be okay? She was like one of the Egyptian goddesses she seemed so interested in, beauty beyond anything of a mere mortal.

Though maybe you were over exaggerating. But then again. Maybe not.

You rolled out of bed and shuffled over to your bathroom to wake yourself up with a shower, trying to be as fast as possible to not keep Layla waiting. The entire process passing by in a half asleep daze.

Your body still seemed reluctant to be up and moving though, so much so that it took you three attempts just to find the correct arm hole in your t shirt. And then you swore you tried every single key on your door before you found the right one.

So before you even attempted to navigate the tube, you headed for Starbucks. Knocking back your coffee before you even reached the platform, burning your mouth in the process. But at least it made you feel a little more awake.

Thankfully the world seemed to be on your side, the tube ride smooth as could be with not as many tourists popping themselves in awkward places like normal. You didn’t know how many times you’d accidentally walked into someone trying to decipher a tube map, parking themselves right in the way of everyone.

Your little lie in actually was quite the lifesaver though, meaning you’d missed the vast majority of the rush hour crowd. Of course it was busy, you didn’t think you’d ever actually seen London… quiet. But you weren’t sandwiched up against a bunch of strangers at least. You actually had a space mostly to yourself. There was even an empty seat but you thought you’d probably just drop off again if you sat down.

So you stayed standing, it wasn’t a long journey anyway. And it provided more people watching opportunities. You’d always kept yourself to yourself, always on the quieter and more timid side your entire life. So you’d grown pretty good at reading people.

And the tube was full of… interesting people to look at.

There was always at least one person reading. Usually a dog of some kind tucked in someone’s arms too. Sometimes both. Business men in suits, someone talking too loud on their phone, couples giving far too much pda, a whole array of languages and accents. Maybe a tiny part of you actually enjoyed the tube.

You did feel slightly envious of people sometimes. When you’d see people so clearly more confident and comfortable in their skin than you. Happy to take up space and be heard. The couples too, so unapologetically in love with each other that they didn’t care about where they were or who saw them. It did make you feel a little lonely sometimes.

When you stepped off in Shoreditch you felt far more awake.

You always felt a little out of place in Shoreditch, not even remotely cool enough to be walking around there never mind working. But then again, the antique store you worked in didn’t particularly fit in either. So it was quite the match when you thought about it.

You popped into Costa before heading to the store, grabbing yourself something a little less caffeine based. You were nervous enough around Layla as it was never mind adding coffee shakes to the mix. And grabbed something for Layla too. Before finally heading to work a little later than planned.

You pushed open the stiff door of the shop, balancing the drinks as you did. The door itself was practically antique you were certain it had never been changed and that one day it would just stick completely, locking you in or out.

She was no where in sight as you closed the door, the tiny brass bell above it tinkling to signal someone had come inside. The little portable radio was on quietly behind the counter, slightly staticky because it was almost impossible to get a decent signal. It seemed to be half way between two stations. Take that overlapping with stormzy in some odd mash up.

“ there she is! Better late than never sleeping beauty “ Layla appeared from the back room, clearly hearing the bell as you’d entered the shop. She looked as beautiful as ever, her beaming smile made you weak in the knees. You were silently thankful you’d not opted for another coffee after all.

“ sorry I’m late “ she waved a hand as if to dismiss the apology and walked around the counter “ I got you a drink “

“ ooo thank you “ She pulled you in for a quick squeeze of a hug. She enveloped you in a mist of her perfume and shampoo, vanilla and coconut clouding your senses like a drug. Her soft curls tickling your cheek, her hands pressed firmly to your back. You were a total goner. Completely.

“ no problem “ you said quietly as she picked up the cup and drank almost half of it in one go “ thirsty? “

“ I’ve been here since 7! “ she said with a small laugh and stifled a yawn as if to prove the point “ someone was still snoozing at that point “ she teased, pulling a little notepad from the back pocket of her jeans “ I’ve done most of the backstock. We just need to take note of everything on the shop floor. Shouldn’t take us too long “

“ I’m sorry. It just completely slipped my mind “ she gave a small smile and squeezed your arm softly.

“ don’t. It’s fine. I think I’m more productive alone actually. No distractions “ she caught your eye for the briefest second before letting go.

You took half the shop each, taking note of every item the shop had to offer. You wished the system was more efficient. But your boss seemed to want to keep not only the stock antique, but the stocking systems too. You kept glancing over at her as you took note of everything in the silvers cabinet, half hiding behind the cabinet and a silver jug as not to be caught.

But she never seemed to notice you looking. Always oblivious to what you thought was your obvious staring and lovestruck gazes, your stutters and inability to form sentences around her most of the time. Maybe she just put it down to your nervous nature. Which you guessed half of it was in a way.

She reached up to count the pieces of a hand painted dinnerware set, her jumper riding up slightly and exposing a sliver of her skin. You had to look away, your cheeks flushing pink. Pathetic.

When you reached the artwork section your brain started wondering again, looking at one particular piece depicting two girls on a picnic in beautiful flowing dresses. You wondered if they were friends or something more. Old art had a habit of showing women so clearly in love but marking them as friends. Women in intimate and close encounters but descriptions stating that was simply how intimacy worked in that era.

It made you look over at her again.

You knew she liked girls, she’d mentioned it in passing once or twice. Small mentions of an ex girlfriend or a failed date. But you also knew she’d been married to a man. Part of you wondered if she was just one of those girls who only said they liked girls, thinking it was some way to make herself seem more appealing and quirky.

She was too kind, too gentle, too… perfect to be like that though. Wasn’t she? You turned back to the artwork, imagining some perfect date like the one in the paint like that with her. If anything it would be a perfect choice simply because it was relatively stress free. Picnics were relaxing. Calm. Not an anxiety attack trigger in sight.

And it might not even totally come across as a date… in fact she wouldn’t even have to know. You could simply…. Test the waters as it were. Just two friends. Having a picnic. Just like the piece of art.

But having the courage to actually ask her? That was going to take some working up to.

“ almost done over there? “ you startled as Layla called you from the other side of the shop, looking over at you with a smile and leaning back to see you from behind a cabinet.

“ I- yeah. Yeah nearly done “ you made haste and finished taking note of everything on your side of the shop, making sure every piece of an old chess set was there when Layla joined you again.

“ boo “ her voiced was soft, right by your ear and fingers poking at your sides. You startled more at her closeness than her actually making you jump, her warm breath against your skin sending a trail of goosebumps across your arms. Heat rose up your neck and blossomed across your cheeks. You wanted her fingers to dance across those goosebumps, read your skin like brail and understand your feeling without even having to say it.

If only.

“ hey “ you said quietly, softly clearing you throat in hopes she hadn’t noticed your nerves at her closeness.

“ hungry? I’m starved “ she draped an arm over your shoulder the other on her hip and moved next to you, looking down at your notebook. If anyone looked through the windows now they might think you were a couple. You kinda liked that “ just one shelf left to do? “

“ yes “

“ right. I’m gonna go get us some lunch then…. Jolenes? I think we deserve some pastries, don’t you? “ you chanced a look up at her, very much gazing like some lovestruck teenager. She gave you a warm smile, eyes crinkling at the edges and nose scrunching slightly

“ yeah. Sounds good. Pastries “ her smile grew and she gave you a squeeze before letting you go, heading behind the counter and grabbing her bag.

“ right. You get that final shelf done. I’ll go get us some treats. I’ll be like 10 minutes okay? “ you nodded and watched as she fished around her bag for her purse before heading for the door “ get working, you! You’ve got the time it takes me to go get food and get back. If you’re not done I’ll eat yours “ she disappeared out the door with a wink.

You finished the last shelf with a goofy smile on your face, practically floating on air, the same way you always did whenever she paid you any kind of attention that might prove more than just being friendly.

In fact something seemed to click in your brain and all of a sudden you had decided. You would ask her on that picnic. You would. She didn’t have to know it was a date, didn’t have to know your feelings. Your intentions. All she had to know was two people who were friends, having a friendly picnic dinner. That was all.

You would do it. You would do it. It would be easy. Easier than you thought.

‘ hi layla. Want to go on a picnic with me? ‘

‘ layla did you wanna come to the park with me tomorrow? Picnic and the outdoor cinema? ‘

‘ layla. Let’s go to the outdoor cinema with a picnic tomorrow! ‘

You internally groaned at how stupid you sounded, and you hadn’t even said them out loud. You sighed and took note of the remaining items on the shelf.

“ Layla. I was wondering if you wanted to go to the park tomorrow- no…. Layla! Fancy a picnic tomorrow? “ you placed your notebook down with a frustrated sigh “ Layla. Do you like the movie Grease?- everyone fucking likes Grease come on “ you would’ve sounded like a mad woman if anyone entered the shop now “ Layla. The outdoor cinema is running tomorrow. Shall we go? Let’s take a picnic?… not bad not bad “ You made your way back to the counter, now that your side of the shop had been accounted for “ Layla… “

“ yes? “ you dropped your pen as she returned, paper bag in one hand and cup holder of drinks in the other, pushing the door open with her hip and elbow.

“ oh! N-nothing. Talking to myself “ you hurried over to pull the door further open for her.

“ first sign of madness “ she said with a cheeky smile and headed for the counter “ hot chocolate. Almond croissant, lemon muffin “ she said as she opened the paper bag, handing over smaller paper bags to you. You smiled and took the paper cup from her too.

“ thank you “ she rummaged around the bag for her own food, taking a bite into a pain au chocolat with a sigh.

“ gods I’m so hungry “ she practically moaned, taking another big bite. You smiled into your cup, taking a sip of the hot chocolate and feeling your stomach grumble in response.

You were both quiet as you ate your treats, Layla double checking over her notebook and occasionally swiping away pastry crumbs.

You thought about your plans to ask her out. Feeling more relaxed in that moment than you had been all day, a calm atmosphere between you. Comfortable. Barely any butterflies fluttering around in your chest.

“ Layla “ you said softly spurring through it before you could lose the tiny bit of courage you’d found, fiddling slightly with the paper bag your muffin had come in.

“ hmm? “ she glanced up at you, big brown eyes full of kindness and care the same way they always were. You were speechless again, words refusing to form in your mouth now that you were looking her right in the eyes “ y/n?”

‘ I think I’m in love with you would you go on a date with me? Please? ‘

You wished you could say it. Wished you had the balls to just tell her. Instead your mouth just opened and closed a couple of times. You probably looked like an idiot.

“ are you okay? “ she asked with some concern filtering into her words, her hand gently falling on your wrist.

“ I- would you maybe. I mean only if you want- like. I mean- fuck “ your cheeks burned as you failed to even form the sentence you’d been practicing. You felt completely useless.

“ you’re being weird “ Layla said with a raised eyebrow.

“ m’ always weird “ you tried with a slight smile. It made a smile blossom on Laylas face too, the kind that made the corners of her eyes crinkle, the kind that made you want to melt into a puddle on the ground. She playfully nudged your arm and propped her elbow on the counter, chin in the palm of her hand.

“ come on what’s wrong, why are you getting flustered. It’s just me. Remember what I told you, deep breath in your nose, out slowly through your mouth. Gather your thoughts. And try again. You got this “ she was always so kind. So gentle.

You closed your eyes for a brief moment, taking her advice and taking a breath.

“ there’s. There’s this picnic in the park thing happening tomorrow. They’re doing this projector movie and you take a blanket and food and. I was just. Well- do you want to… would you maybe like to go? “ you waited for the frown or the excuse as to why she couldn’t make it. But Instead she smiled and nodded enthusiastically, her curls bouncing around her head.

“ that sounds amazing! Yeah I’ll go with you “ she flipped her notebook closed and picked it up “ come on then let’s get this all finished. don’t wanna be here all day do we “ you watched slightly dumbstruck as she linked her arms with yours and you stumbled slightly as she lead you into the back room for the final checks. She was acting as if it was a totally normal thing to have been asked and you still couldn’t quite believe she had said yes.

But maybe the idea that she may think it was simply just a friends thing was working? Either way. You had a date with Layla and that was both exciting and terrifying as all hell.

You’d never been more nervous in your life as you tried to find a decent outfit for your date. It was silly because Layla didnt even think it was a date, you shouldn’t be treating it as one even if that had been the intention all along.

You looked at the piles of clothes scattering your bed, all the choices you’d decided against before sighing and closing your eyes. You took a deep breath in some attempt to relax before looking back at yourself in the mirror. You looked nice. Not too smart. Not too casual.

You’d been preparing all day, up since 6 with too much nervous energy to sleep any longer. You’d nipped out to get a whole array of snacks and nibbles for your picnic, stopping at a flower seller on the corner on the way home too. Whether or not you’d actually give her the flowers was a whole new story. But you’d brought them all the same.

You wondered what she’d be wearing. If you were too over dressed. Or under dressed. It was silly. This was Layla. She wasn’t going to judge you for something as ficcle as clothes. You were being silly. Over thinking. Getting in your head.

There was a knock on the door and your heart started hammering in your chest. The outfit you had on would have to do.

“ one second! “ you called and headed into the kitchenette to grab the tote bag full of snacks for your picnic, hesitating before carefully putting in the small bunch of flowers too. Hidden so that if you didn’t get brave enough to give them to her she’d never have to know they’d even existed.

You were over thinking things far too much. You shook your head and headed for the front door, taking a deep breath before opening it.

“ Hey! Oh you look nice “ she greeted, beaming smile on her face. You froze, unable to say anything to her “ I brought a blanket and some drinks, like we said. You got the snacks? “ you nodded, still unable to talk as you very blatantly stared at her. She was so. Beautiful. How on earth were you even going to make it through the evening with her looking like that?

It wasn’t like she was even in anything fancy, she just…. Looked nice “ you okay? Y/n? “ she placed a hand on your shoulder, a warm smile on her face. She was going to be the death of you.

“ yeah. Yeah I’m okay. Tired “ she gave your shoulder a gentle squeeze as you said it, sympathy in her eyes

“ fresh air will wake you up. Come on let’s go we don’t wanna miss the start of the movie “ you locked the door to your flat and followed her to the stairs. The lift in your flats hadn’t worked for months now.

A part of you wondered if she knew your secret intentions, knew your fear to ask her outright on a date. You hoped not. She probably just thought it was exactly what it seemed, two friends going out together.

“ did you… did you have a nice day? “ you asked, in some attempt to calm your nerves with some normal conversation.

“ yeah it was fine. Nothing too exciting. You? “ I spent the whole day panicking about our date that you don’t know is a date and did literally nothing productive. It was great!

“ nothing really “ she smiled and you both fell quiet for a few moments. You were stood so close together her hand was brushing against yours as you walked and it was making your cheeks flush.

You wanted to hold her hand. You wondered if it was soft and smooth or rough with the years she had spent at dig sites in Egypt. If it would fit nicely in your own.

“ oh careful! “ in your daydreaming you hadn’t been paying attention to your surroundings, almost walking right into a lamppost. She grabbed onto your hand and tugged you around it with a laugh and a shake of her head “ you’re away with the fairies today! “ she laughed and squeezed your hand lightly. It was as if she’d read your mind.

“ sorry “ you practically choked on your embarrassment but she just squeezed your hand again and beamed at you.

“ come on let’s get to this movie before you get yourself into mischief “ you noticed as you walked she didn’t drop your hand. Kept it firmly in her own as she walked down the street in her usual confident strides. Maybe she knew you wanted to hold her hand. Maybe you’d been staring. Either way you didn’t really mind.

You made it to the park just as the movie was starting. She found a empty spot in the grass and laid down the blanket, both of you spreading out the drinks and snacks you’d brought with you.

You looked at the flowers in the bag and debated for a moment before taking them out and clearing your throat.

“ erm… Layla “

“ hmm? “ she asked, half looking away from the movie.

“ for you? “ it came out as more of a question than a statement. But you’d gained the confidence to even take them out of the bag. That was something. She turned fully to look at you, a questioning look blossoming into a smile as she saw the small bunch of flowers in your hands.

“ really? “ she asked gently, taking them from your hands “ they’re lovely, y/n “ she pulled you in for a hug, careful not squish the flowers between you. Her perfume flooded your nose and it somehow eased your nerves again.

You got that fluttering feeling in your chest again. As if a million butterflies had erupted out of your heart, filling your lungs so that it took your breath away. She took your breath away.

You barely watched the movie. You watched her. Completely and utterly enamoured by her as you always were, looking away any time she glanced over at you and hoping she hadn’t caught you. Looking particularly interested in the hummus and carrots and hoping your cheeks werent too bright. It seemed to work for the most part.

She sang along to the songs, nodding her head along to the beat, curls bouncing around her face in a way that was mesmerising. You felt as though you should be trying to make some kind of conversation with her, ask her about her dating life? isn’t that what happened on dates?

“ would. Would you ever date anyone like Danny? “ you asked and laughed a little, planning to play it off as a joke if she found it weird.

“ no way. He’s awful to her most of the time! “ you nodded and pushed a mini sausage roll around on your paper plate

“ who would you then? Date I mean? “ she shrugged, still watching the screen intently

“ someone kind. That’s boring isn’t it? But it’s what I want. I’ve done the whole moody, brooding, tough guy type. Maybe I need a little change. Someone a little softer “ she glanced over at you and it flushed your cheeks red for the millionth time, causing you to focus back on your plate again.

“ your husband? He was like that? Moody? “

“ so moody “ she said with a sigh, still watching the screen “ and secretive “ you watched her face carefully, trying to decipher her exact thoughts. Trying to decide if it was longing or sadness you were hearing in her voice. Longing to have the man back or sadness that it was over, but at peace “ you can’t have a relationship that’s built on secrecy you know? It doesn’t work “

“ what secrets did he have? “ you didnt know why you were asking, you didn’t want to know about him really. The man that had managed to be able to call Layla his own. And had hurt her so badly

“ you wouldn’t believe me if I told you “ she said with a laugh and shrugged “ I have my own secrets too. But I like to think I’ll get to the point some day to tell someone, if I loved them. I thought I loved Marc and I thought he loved me but… so many secrets “ you cautiously reached over and squeezed her hand lightly and she smiled “ don’t worry I’m fine. Over it. Besides got my eye on someone new “

Your heart sank. It felt as though it were made of lead, plummeting from your chest and weighing heavily in your stomach. You dropped her hand and reached for your drink, some attempt to hide your burning disappointment. Of course she liked someone. And no doubt they liked her back too. Of course

Layla didn’t seem to pick up on your upset, grinning at the screen as Sandy appeared after her make over “ she looks totally amazing but it’s sad she has to change for him isn’t it? “ you nodded “ she looks hot. But I think I liked her better before “

“ why? “ she shrugged again

“ quite. Kind. Caring… sweet. Not trying to prove anything to anyone. I like that “

“ I always thought that. When I was younger I loved Sandy I always felt a lot like her “ you tried your best to appear as normal as could be, ignoring your disappointment and heartbreak that Layla would soon be in work talking about someone that wasn’t you.

“ do me a favour? Never go get some hot biker make over then “ she said with a grin and nudged you with her arm. Humming along with the song “ I quite like you how you are, the ‘Sandra D’ type huh? “ you gave her a small smile and nodded

“ no pleather jumpssuits. Got it “

The movie ended and she offered to walk back with you, proudly carrying the flowers you felt stupid about bringing now.

You expected her to say goodbye at the door to your building but she insisted she walk you right to your door. Part of you just wanted her to leave, you wanted to cry into a pint of ice cream for the rest of the night about how stupid you were. But she was too kind. Too polite. Of course she wanted to ensure you got home safe.

As you reached your door you placed the food bag down and rummaged in your handbag for your keys.

“ thank you for co- “ as you looked back up to her, before you could even finish your sentence, she was pressing a soft kiss to your lips, so sudden it took you by surprise. You froze. Not even kissing her back right away, too In shock to even process what was going on.

Your eyes fluttered closed and she smiled against your lips, clearly feeling you relax slightly, a hand sliding to press against your lower bag and pull you in closer.

“ Layla- I… what? “ she giggled at your shock, nudging the backs of her fingers against your burning cheek as she pulled away. She simply shrugged.

“ most people end a date with a kiss. Why should we be any different? And you didn’t seem to be getting my hints “

“ date? What date I.. no this wasn’t- maybe it was but- when? “ she laughed again as you failed to string together a sentence for the second time in a row, brain foggy with the memory of her soft plump lips brushing against your own. You felt like melting into the floor below you. But she was more than used to it by now.

“ you had me at first I won’t lie to you. But the flowers? Very cute attempts at flirting? Is that why you were so nervous when you asked me? Cause it’s a date? Hm? “ it did feel like a weight off your shoulders honestly, you gave a small sigh as your shoulders physically relaxed under the metaphorical weight leaving.

“ yes “ you prepared yourself for the let down, for her to say it was sweet and all. But she didn’t like you like that. But instead she simply smiled and leant back in, lips brushing over yours, noses bumping slightly. And then she kissed you again.

You were thankful she seemed to know what she was doing far more than you, holding your face so gently in her hands whilst yours hung useless and slightly awkward in between you. It was how you’d always imagined it, her lips as soft as you’d thought, the slight taste of her coconut lip balm hovering in your mouth. When she pulled away the second time she placed another soft kiss to your nose before stepping back.

“ how about- “ Layla spoke again, brushing your hair away from your face gently “ I take you on a date next hmm? There’s this amazing restaurant in Hammersmith that does traditional Egyptian cuisine, it’s awesome. I can take you there? The Basbousa there will rot your teeth in the best way I promise “

you couldn’t quite find the words still, shock still rendering your voice useless as you realised Layla wanted to take you on date. You. Your feelings weren’t one sided. She did like you back. She did want to go on a date with you.

“ that’d be amazing “

[arcielee]

Interview With a Writer

This is the 20th segment of my IWAW series. I will break it down into volumes, so this is the wrap of Volume 1!

Thank you so much @fan-goddess for giving me the time to respond to my questions and allowing this series to continue. 💜

As always, Interview With a Writer is my ongoing series of the talented souls on Tumblr and ao3, and their brilliant writing!

Name: fan-goddess

Story: 10 Things I Hate About You

Paring: Ettore x Female!Reader

Warnings: Non canon Ettore, warnings vary per chapter.

So, when did you start writing?

I started writing early teens for a variety of fandoms. It was all on Wattpad drafts as I’d make all these plots, but find I’d be terrible writing actual stories. The first thing I wrote for was a cringey Draco Malfoy fanfic which is on my first ever Wattpad account that still is lying about somewhere.

After a couple years though I then transitioned to Tumblr, where after joining the HOTD I started writing and enjoying it and finding my passion for it.

Where did the plot for 10 Things I Hate About You come from?

The idea mainly came from me thinking of the movie, as me and two of my friends were talking about watching it together since one of them hasn’t ever seen it.

I was thinking about the poem scene on a bus ride and was wondering about how to possibly apply it to writing, wondering who would a reader hate to love, and one of the first characters I thought of was Ettore.

Then it came to me applying different lines to him, which in the original I think had some different lines to the one that was posted, but as I was trying to post the original I accidentally deleted it. Which lead to me immediately trying to write all the lines I could remember.

It was originally supposed to be a one-shot, but thought why not when people asked for a part two. The idea to do the different view point chapter came from @flowerandblood on tumblr, since I thought of their writing style which enables the reader to see both viewpoints of the scene, and I was interested in exploring in this.

Can you explain your interpretation of Ettore? What drives him? Why is he this way in 10TIHAY?

I wanted to stay as close to the movie character as possible, and if you’ve seen the movie, there is a scene that shows Ettore attempted SA. Of course, I never wanted to write a scene like that, so I decided to write a mixture of canon him and another version of him that didn’t involve the scene from the movie.

What drives him in this story is his need for contact he doesn’t even know he needs, which he finds in the reader. He gets obsessed by it and this entire need to own her, like you would a pet really. He’s drawn on this path of her since she involuntarily makes him feel emotions he never felt before her, and he just becomes utterly addicted to it, which in the end he interprets as what could be love.

Was there anything in specific that inspired your Reader portrayal?

Not necessarily? I wanted her to have struggles. I wanted to clearly have this idea shown that no one is perfect. I don’t specify the crime the reader committed, as it’s really up to interpretation (unless someone does request a one-shot with a crime specific).

I wanted her to have that split mindset of wanting to stay like her Earth self, and the mindset of wanting to give into this desire for Ettore, who draws her in.

Plus, like Ettore, she craves this contact that makes her human and down to earth. A same need, but for different reasons.

Do you think they complement one another well?

It’s a mixed thought, really. For Ettore, it’s good they complement each other since she effectively manages to humanise him in his own way. But for reader, it’s not so good since-thanks to Ettore-she’s embracing this dark side of herself that she never would’ve never thought to connect with if she hadn’t met him.

But I don’t know if I believe that they belong together entirely, since whilst they embrace a side of each other, they also simultaneously have the ability to destroy each other. They’re a weakness to each other and only Ettore really understands could be possibly exploited, which is one of the reasons he felt so conflicted about the relationship.

Do you think you will do a sequel? Or do you have any other WIPs?

I have no plans to do a sequel. But when I finish writing/editing my Abraham series I plan to open my requests, and I am interested in doing one-shot requests expanding on this story's universe. They wouldn’t be apart of the 10TIHAY universe though, but I did have one possible request on ao3 where a person asked about what would happen if reader was the one obsessed rather than Ettore, which I am interested in possibly exploring.

Do you have a personal favorite story you'd like to share?

I have so many to be honest I doubt I can name just one! Especially since I have favourites for certain fandoms I’m in too. One of my favourites though is ‘Girl With a Pearl Earring’ by flowerandblood on Tumblr. I did photography and it inspired me both in regards to writing and in photography too.

[calamity-unlocked]

Sigh. I accidentally posted my half-finished answer to a really kind ask and then in a panic deleted all of it.

So! Rewriting it all. (Hope you'll see this, anon <3) I unfortunately don't have a copy of the ask, but what anon basically asked for were my reasons why I stopped listening to dndads.

There are a couple, mostly boiling down to that I felt increasingly frustrated with Anthony and the waste of potential in season 2. I'll elaborate on this - really happy someone asked me about this actually, I've been looking for an excuse to write out my thoughts on the matter.

Dndads negativity under the cut (aka hater hours)

First of all prefacing this with saying that the most important factor was probably my personal mental health. But we're not here to talk about that, we're here to rant!! So, here is my little wordspew which I've been wanting to write for literal months:

Rejecting the Storytelling Medium You Use and Ignoring the Consequences

Let's start on a positive note; I love the comedy of this show and the cast's chemistry. Every time I listened to an episode, I laughed so hard my jaw hurt. They are incredibly funny people.

However, every time as the credits rolled after "On My Way," a sense of nervous disappointment lingered. The problem sat in season 2's story. Every episode is funny, but the narrative steps that were taken were just frustrating, going in a direction that lead either to meaningless conflict or another fetch quest with minimal results.

Dungeons and Daddies should not be a Dungeons and Dragons podcast.

People struggling with the rules and deciding to do their own thing with it can have its charm - it never annoyed me in the first season of the Adventure Zone. But with dndads it actively hinders the show and the storytelling.

It's just... Anthony isn't that good of a DM.

He knows the rules of d&d 5e. He just doesn't want to use them. He gets frustrated when his players take creative actions that undermine the story he planned out. An example is the confrontation between the teens and Willy. Lots of really creative actions and high-level spells were used, but Anthony consistently shut those down and in the end it all went according to how he wanted it to go.

They frequently rerecord scenes when they feel it didn't work out. That's not exactly letting the dice decide, which is what the whole genre is based on!

My sister and I used to speculate on where the story could go, and we often jokes 'this is good stuff, Anthony Buch take notes', and those jokes turned from (affectionate) to (derogatory) once it became clear to us that the direction Anthony was taking really didn't sit right with us.

Season 2 truly had so much potential. We have a set of really interesting PCs who have a strong relationship with a set of equally (if not more) interesting NPCs. The setup of the Doodler as a bbeg was great - and so was the reveal of the Doodler's true feelings.

But the story dragged out, didn't grow, the jokes detracted and distracted from the narrative, emotional beats were unearned, etc. I was bored with the characterization of the kiddads and their actions. The return of the og dads was messy and took away from the story. The three month time skips during a period in which there were supposed to be stakes made me want to rip my hair out.

There's a whole other essay I can make about how d&dads undermines it own stakes, but this is already getting too long so that's for another time.

Also, and I'm so sorry to use Anthony as a punching bag this much, but the man verbally undermines himself so much. He constantly says he doesn't like the second season, negatively compares both PCs and storybeats with the first season, and disses his own capabilities. I understand anxiety well, believe me I do, but continuously saying that you don't think this thing you've created is any good to your fans on your own podcast gets frustrating. This seems to me something you share your personal circle or your therapist, not to your thousands of fans who probably listen to the podcast because it brings them joy!

I have so much more to say, talking about this truly sparks joy in me. But all that matters I suppose is that I've happily divorced. Sadly writing about Lark Oak genuinely helps me cope with all the stuff that's going on, so I'll be tied to this podcast for a while longer.

[bronzeagepizzeria]

20 questions for fic writers

Lol I did this a while ago but why not!! Thanks for the tag @mulderscully <3

How many works do you have on ao3?

28. I had more but sometimes when I dislike a work enough I simply delete it

What's your total ao3 word count? 132,139

What fandoms do you write for?

doctor who mostly, although i dabble in harry potter and xmen

Top five fics by kudos:

Of Thorns and Roses (ten/rose; historical au)

A Hundred Visions and Revisions (tentoorose; 60th rewrite)

The Surrender (ten/rose; shag or die)

One Day Closer To Death (ten&rose; post JE reunion)

Dimorphous Expressions of Positive Emotion (tentoorose; babyfic)

Do you respond to comments?

i do, yes

What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

i want to write so much more angst but i think One Day Closer To Death has around 30+ people telling me they cried so that makes me very, very happy :) Window of Hope (HP) was pretty sad, too, imo

What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

ahh. everything i write with tentoorose is usually happy. the sappiest ending is probably (Accidentally) Welcome To The Rest Of Your Lives which features the birth of Mia <33

Do you get hate on fics?

no but i have gotten some weird comments

Do you write smut?

a little bit. wouldn't say it was my forte though

Craziest crossover:

haven't written one yet but i keep thinking of an cherik/tenrose beach overlap, lmao. no idea who would even read that

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

i don't think so!

Have you ever had a fic translated?

nope

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

nothing that i've posted, but i love the idea of doing it. takes so much off the pressure off imo

All time favorite ship?

tentoorose bby!!

What's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

promising myself i'm not starting any more longfics until i finish Quid Pro Quo (ten/rose; fake dating)

What are your writing strengths?

i think i understand characters pretty well. i think my dialogue is pretty believable too

What are your writing weaknesses?

i'm a very slow writer and i struggle to fill in the space between dialogues

Thoughts on dialogue in another language?

i'd never do it, i don't think

First fandom you wrote in?

posted? doctor who. just wrote for myself? rpf lmao

Favorite fic you've written?

oof. i think A Life Out Of Balance is off to a pretty good start at the moment. I just gotta update soon!

tagging: anyone who wants to!!

[putschki1969]

Hi Puts, seeing you have been busy with work since your return from the Japan trip. Hope you can take good care of yourself with the busy work schedule.

I saw your lately post about Keiko’s new album hasn’t been your taste of music. So I wonder what kind of song genres do you prefer the girls to sing in their solo. What’s your favourite solo songs of the girls?

For myself, I love ballads so Wakana’s solo music genre has always been my cup of tea. But seeing Keiko doing challenges with her alto tone on some many musical genres makes me wanna cheer for her too. Tbh I don’t really dislike her songs maybe becoz I just simply adore her voice. As for Hikaru, since I’m not a great fan of rock anime genres, so I’m not catching up with her latest music. If you have some recommendations of her songs, I’d love to know that too.

Sorry for such a long message. Hope it wasn’t to hard for you to read. Stay well and keep sharing the Kala-love around^_^

Hello there!

Thank you, I feel like I am slowly getting back into a routine.

I had a huge reply already written for this but then I must have accidentally clicked a stupid shortcut which deleted a huge wall of text from this post T_T Needless to say, I have zero motivation to go through it all again. I apologise in advance if this feels a little rushed, I’ll still try my best.

First of all, no worries, your message is perfectly fine and it's an interesting question. However, I will admit that I always struggle with these types of questions because I lack the necessary expertise to explain my preferences when it comes to certain music genres. I enjoy music solely on an intuitive and emotional level, it either makes me feel something or it doesn't, for the most part I tend to disregard the technical aspects. That’s not to say that I don’t have some basic requirements which determine whether or not I like a piece of music.

Generally speaking, structure is key. Anything that’s too chaotic, directionless or all over the place will make me incredibly antsy. However, music shouldn’t be too monotonous either, I love a good, natural buildup. To really get into the flow of something I need a smooth melody with some motifs thrown into the mix.

I am very attracted to classical and orchestral elements. Symphonic instrumentals, elaborate harmonies, dramatic melodies, operatic vocals, inject it all into my veins. That’s not to say that I don’t appreciate other types of music as well. In fact, I have always had a weakness for 80s and 90s pop but that’s neither here nor there.

Vocal-wise, I gravitate most towards warm, mature and emotionally rich singing voices. I typically find high-pitched and youthful/childlike voices quite annoying.

Having said all that, I can’t really tell you my genre preferences when it comes to the girls. I just want their songs to have a good structure with a somewhat sizeable section that’s pleasing to my ears. Ideally, I would have them use a singing style that highlights their talents and doesn’t make their voice sound too grating. Keiko’s 3rd album accomplishes none of those things which is why I have a bit of an aversion to it. In all honesty, it feels like a big chaotic mess o me.

Just like you I have a strong passion for ballads but I don’t really want them to stick to a specific type of song. Especially considering that many of their solo ballads don’t even appeal to me. 

For example, I am absolutely obsessed with Keiko’s “Toori Ame”, “ I quite enjoy “Inochi no Hana” but I couldn’t care less about songs like “Hitori Janai Kara” or “Revolution”. While Wakana’s debut power ballad “Toki wo Koeru Yoru ni” hits me right in the feels and her equally enchanting “breathing” gives me goosebumps, the seemingly epic “magic moment” doesn’t do anything for me. Let’s not even talk about her slower pieces like “Nagareboshi” which I simply find too bland. With Hikaru it’s incredibly hard to pick ballads I like because at some point they have all started to sound the same to me but I definitely love her “Kawaisou da yo” and “midnight”.

As for general favourites, here’s a list of all the solo songs I repeatedly listen to (in order of their release):

Wakana:Toki wo Koeru Yoru ni, Kinmokusei, Yakusoku no Yoake, Ai no Hana, Kioku no Hito, Koi wa Itsumo, breathing, 442, Myself, Happy Hello Day, Toki ni wa Mukashi no Hanashi wo, Inochi no Namae, Get Wild Hikaru: Avaricia, yolcu, Fili, 空-Look Ahead, disclose, midnight, Determination, Kawaisou da you, Kanashii Kedamono, Ambient Border Keiko: Inochi no Hana, Nanairo no Finale, Toori Ame, Nobody Knows You, Lost, Yoru no Uso to

Obviously, I can recommend all of these to you. I like some of their other stuff too but these ones I actively seek out

[thelordofgifs]

Obscure Tolkien Blorbo: Frequently Asked Questions

Making a quick FAQ post for organisational purposes!

Why isn't [insert character] in the bracket?

Because nobody submitted them, or they were disqualified for receiving too many submissions and failed to make it through the lightning disqualification polls.

Why is [insert character] in the bracket? They aren't obscure!

Well, firstly, obscurity is subjective (although I attempted to quantify it). A lot of hardcore silm fans (at whom this tournament is aimed, of course!) find some of these characters very un-obscure indeed - but not everyone is coming to this tournament from a "lives breathes and sleeps HoME" position! That being said, in retrospect I'd probably have chosen more stringent rules for disqualification, based on my quantified obscurity score instead of simply on number of submissions. My mistake, please don't eat me, I promise I'm actually really nice :)

UPDATE: a lightning disqualification round ran to (somewhat) fix this issue! More here.

I feel the need to personally reiterate to you that these characters aren’t obscure.

Cool. Vote against them then.

Seriously these characters aren’t obscure at all.

Have you considered that I heard you the first fifteen times?

How did you calculate the quantified obscurity score, then?

I'm glad you asked! obscurity score = number of fics on AO3 tagging that characer * number of submissions the character received.

How did you seed the bracket?

Slightly unconventionally, since this is an obscure blorbo poll, I seeded the characters by obscurity score and then pitted the most popular characters against each other in the first round, to give the more obscure blorbos a greater chance of success. Was this entirely fair? Probably not, but I think it makes it more interesting than the "extremely popular character against unheard-of character" matchups we'd have otherwise seen.

This matchup seems really unfair though.

In early rounds the matchups are all quite even actually, since they're all between blorbos with adjacent obscurity scores!

Can I send you propaganda for my blorbos?

Absolutely! Some new rules for propaganda:

If you want propaganda to be included in the body of a poll itself, drop it in my ask box before the character poll opens! (You can find the dates for future polls in the Round 1 masterpost here.) If you want to make my life easy, keep your propaganda text-only - no pictures or links - and in a single paragraph so that I don't waste a minute having to delete all your line breaks.

If your propaganda contains pictures or links, or the poll is already open, or you just want to make your own post instead, feel free to do so and tag me in it! I'll reblog it under the tag #otb propaganda.

Help! I can't decide whom to vote for!

Well, ultimately that's your decision! But some rough guidelines, if you're struggling to make up your mind:

If Eldacar is in the poll, vote for Eldacar.

Polls are always in the order "more popular character vs less popular character", so if you're rooting for someone obscure to win the whole thing, voting for the second option is a safer bet.

Choose feminism and vote for women. Because of the nature of this tournament there's a lot of textual ghosts/very obscure female characters in here, which makes me happy - don't let them lose!!

What are the lightning disqualification rounds?

These are two special polls I ran to fix the error I made in disqualifying characters too early! Those who were unfairly disqualified went up against the ten most popular characters in the bracket; in each poll, the five characters who received the most votes remained in the tournament. More on my reasoning here.

In the end, only one disqualification occurred: Eärwen was replaced by Azaghâl.

Help! I accidentally voted for the wrong character!

Luckily, that’s easily fixed! Drop me an ask or dm with a screenshot proving that you voted for the wrong character, and I’ll take your vote into account if the margin is literally that close (unlikely but you never know); and I’ll change the numbers on my results spreadsheet to account for your mistaken vote too.

[i-am-beckyu]

BRICK! I AM SO FLIPPEN LUCKY!

I accidentally thought I deleted your ask which instead got posted and then deleted, but I got lucky and had copied the questions to answer qwq. I've been using control z too much... So thank you thank you for all the questions on Jornos and here you are! (Sorry I took so long to answer lol) @brick-a-doodle-do i can see a lot of awkward conversations between tommy and emduo + wil. like a lot of sarcastic comments towards tommy that have a secret meaning to tommy! lots of tensing up at the softest of questions

Yesssssssssssssssssssss! Many many awkward times! Tommy just a lil anxious boi :3

for the thing with tommy knowing things he shouldn't, how about a scene with tommy accidentally humming a tune he'd heard wilbur play before? maybe even accidentally murmuring the lyrics while wilbur only plays the melody! :0000 *yoinks this idea for later* Oh I likes this a lot >:3

do you have any design ideas for tommy's borrower home? is it very innovative with crazy cool designs, or something more basic that he'd thrown together with whatever he could find? I have many ideas for his home but nothing specifically made or set yet. Been thinking about that a lil bit atm lol. While I don't have any designs for Tommy's room, I have made a floor plan of the Crafts house to make sure I'm being coherent to the story and scenes so have that!

how does tommy react to the internet? does he find a means to conquer it after seeing how intimidating it is, or does he immediately fall victim to social media? maybe he finds some good ole schlatt videos and bonds over them with wilbur! Oh he's infatuated with it. He loved to try and watch Tv of Beans in the past but actually gaining access to the internet blew his mind! Learning so many new things and not understanding how some stuff was possible was insane for him! And Canon! Def bonds with Wilbur over the old vids!

does wilbur absolutely drag him into the world of music? i can see wilbur making a mini-him with his new younger brother! 100%. To Wilbur, Tommy is free blank slate brother. Time to educate the child in the world of music and properly!! (as well as everything else lol)

in a lot of fics, techno has swords n knives pinned up on his walls or leaning against his walls, do you follow through with that here? lalalala *yoinks another idea* :3

that also leads me to the question does tommy, as a borrower, find this threatening or interesting? and similarly, when he's a human, does he struggle with hiding his interest/fear of them depending on his borrower-selves reaction? Boi is both terrified and drawn to the blades. There's one sword displayed on top of the book shelf that Tommy often likes to marvel at. It's part of why Tommy tried to go for the craft knife that Techno left out on the table when he first moved in because he wanted to wield a sword like that too.

i bet tommy might have a strong reaction to flavorful things, especially something spicey, sour, or even really sweet, since borrower's grow up mainly on grain with the occasional addition of fruit or dessert. does this spark interest between emduo + wilbur or do they just bond with him and call him a child over it? I think I mentioned in a previous ask that Tommy just goes into sugar rush overload when he gets access to sugar so in a similar way, he'd have an extreme reaction to spicy, sour or bitter things too. If given any of those things tho, I'm pretty sure once comfy with the rest of sbi, would scream: ARE YOU TRYING TO POISON ME?!?!?

tommy using his skills as a human! i can see him offering to fix the craft's ripped clothing with his sewing skills orrr maybe they go hiking or smth and tommy's climbing instincts kick in and he just fucking climbs a tree like it's nothing lol Yesssssssssssss. That was one of the only things he could do at the colony and not get into trouble for it. Often he'd hide out and fix clothing for others so he loves to get his hands on stuff to mend for sbi. When they notice this, they actually get him proper sewing equipment and nice fabric for Tommy to experiment with and he goes wild with new clothes and bags. He adores it!

on the note of instincts, how are tommy's instincts? i always see borrowers listening to their instincts more than humans but still not always listening to them. does he got like really good reflexes that earn him the nickname spiderinnit? (to which he is extremely confused cause huh? maybe that leads to a movie marathon :0) Brick. How? How are you having all the amazing ideas?? *yoinks this too* He is spiderinnit damn it and they watch every spider man movie. So Tommy's instincts are a bit nuts atm. Normally his first thought when in danger is to run and get back to the walls or somewhere safe, but when he shifts he is so out of it, he kinda just shuts down because he can't just run back to the walls. Later on when he kinda works out the sizeshifting abilities, it takes a lot of will power to not let himself just run from everything and hide. But he will often react a lot to footsteps of people coming or animals because he still semi associates it with danger.

birthdays! i don't know about you or this au, but i like the idea of borrower's not really celebrating birthdays, and even if they do not every single one. so what's tommy's reaction to possibly having a party thrown for him? Sometimes Individual bdays are celebrated within small family's when borrowers see fit, say they turn 1 or 13 but yeah most of the time bdays aren't really celebrated. The celebrations are more of a celebration of surviving to an important point in life, not making it another year older in age. (that makes no sense becky. Good job :'D) Colonies will usual celebrate a borrowers coming of age for all the borrowers going on their first successful borrowing trips (of course Tommy isn't allowed at those though)

^^ on a similar note, does tommy know his own birthday? and if he doesn't, how the hell do the craft's react to that ?? He does not. He was abandoned by the colony and they kind of just guessed he was like 2ish when found so they make his bday just sometime in April because that was the time he was found. Tommy doesn't even really think about not having a specific day till he's asked and the Crafts are just so shocked that this kid has probably never had a party in his life and literally throw him a party within the next few days. Tommy is just so touched that he decides the date is April 9th because that was the date. (Even if it was actually *enter different month here*)

I have no idea what else you said about the ask but at least I had the questions so thank you for sending them in and your continued interest in the story! Jornos chapter 2 is almost done and then just needs to be proof read so keep your eyes peeled :3

[dzpenumbra]

4/30/23

Last night was difficult.

I don't think I mentioned it in my journal, maybe I did and I don't remember, idk, I'm going to tell the story anyway. I was watching a Red Dead stream last night and a girl who had been a subscriber in that channel for 7 consecutive years accidentally wrote a private message into the Twitch chat. And I mean really private.

(side note - ctrl+b, which is used for bold is right between ctrl+v [paste] and ctrl+n [new window in chrome]. And the undo on Tumblr is fucked. So... just... gonna point out how frustrating and inconvenient that is if you just slightly miss the b key and suddenly you either have a new window pop up or a paragraph of text just appears.)

This chick posted about like... really bad medical news. Like organ disease news. That she got that day. And she immediately asked mods to delete it, because she couldn't. And no one did. And there were like over 1000 people in there. And then these assholes started copying and pasting her message. At first just one. Then one who spent "channel points" to actually highlight the copied message. Then like 5 more. It... was really disturbing. Like... I struggle to see any humor in it, and I have a pretty open mind about humor. It really felt like someone saying "haha look, this chick has cancer!" As though... anyone is going to laugh about that...

Now... I know a thing or two about humor. Humor used to be my primary coping mechanism. And most humor is just that, it's a way of diffusing something incredibly uncomfortable or painful, and transforming it into something funny, something palatable. Something positive, even. And sometimes that can be a... compulsion for some people, a reflex, that they're not even really conscious of. But there's a skill to doing that. It takes effort, it takes practice, it takes skill. And there is nothing... buckle the fuck up, I'm going loud here... THERE IS NOTHING FUCKING LAZIER THAN COPYING AND PASTING SOMETHING AND CALLING IT FUNNY. <catches breath> Okay, just had to get that out. People man, I just don't understand. Do these fucking imbeciles really lack the brain cells to understand that making a joke about a serious medical condition should... I dunno... maybe be handled a little more tactfully than treating it like retweeting a fucking meme or something?

Again, I am not against jokes that test the line, and even outright cross it. At all. Pushing those boundaries is important, in its own way. But there's a goddamn reason why we only had one Don Rickles. There's a reason we had one South Park. One Jackass. There is an art to pushing boundaries, and it requires skill, charisma and confidence. And these people had none of the above. They were just... schoolyard bullies, trying to impress other schoolyard bullies. They were literally grown-ass schoolyard bullies, likely piss drunk at 4AM, watching a 38 year old man pretend to be a cowboy in a video game, and stumbled across what was pretty obviously a private message between a long-standing paying community member and likely a family member... and they decided they wanted to pants her in front of class. Like... this is a fucking cartoon of schoolyard bully behavior. And people were fucking laughing! People were like... chuckling and going along with it

I... I pulled up a private message to her. And I typed out "hey, what they're doing is really not cool and I'm really sorry all this is happening to you. It's really fucked up." And... I didn't send it. Any other lifetime, I would have sent it. But I didn't. And I don't even know why I don't anymore. I definitely didn't stand up for her in chat. I didn't even support her behind closed doors. But when she put a message in chat saying it was fucked up? I immediately tagged her and sent a heart emoji, like... lightning speed, to show she has my support. I just... I feel bad. It's self preservation, it has to be. Like... I don't want this mob turning on me... So I don't stick up for the grown adult that's being bullied by grown adults. Because there are people there whose job it's supposed to be to moderate that, and they were asleep at the wheel, and... I didn't want to overstep, and they sure as shit won't respect my opinion if I don't have a sword icon next to my name.

And the streamer, when he noticed? He chuckled. And was like, "come on guys, knock it off..." Like... it was a bunch of kids playing in the backyard by throwing knives at the dog or something, and that's his response. It made me super uncomfortable. That and the shit that went down in his Discord? Blatantly saying "we're mob-mentality around here, okay?" And the Native American character he made, and how... really insensitive he was with it... and how he pretty obviously got reported several times on it but straight up lied to his audience about it and has doubled-down so many times I can't even count. "Nah nah nah, Moondance isn't going anywhere guys, I'll play him whenever I want, I just don't feel like it tonight..." RIIIGHHHTTT... I just... I'm really turned off by it.

Fuck the internet, man. The internet is very blatantly advertising directly to children, who are the most profitable demographic on the internet, if you weren't aware... and Twitch specifically has developed a wagering system with fake internet points that you accumulate by spending time watching a streamer (more time = more ads = more $$ for Twitch = more fake points for the kids). And they call them. Get this. Tell me this isn't disgustingly corporate Amazon cliché. They call them "Predictions". It's not gambling marketed towards children to keep them on a website that makes money off of feeding them ads, no no no, it's placing a wager on a "Prediction". I'm not gambling on what the outcome is, with a payout ratio identical to a fucking horse track, nope, I'm just predicting what the outcome is going to be and if I get it right I get a neat prize! They specifically market their site to children. How have they not gotten this shut down yet?!

Okay, got a bit of that out of my system. Why the fuck am I telling this story from last night? Well... I had a night terror. I got about 4-5 hours of sleep, and I had a super intense nightmare. It was very vivid, but I didn't remember much except for the last bit. And... it took me a bit of journaling (I did dream journal, so yay on that) to really start to understand what it was about. I might as well paint a picture for you, it was super vivid and deeply meaningful for me.

I was in a location that represented my parents' basement. I grew up in that house from the ages of 11-18, very formative years. My parents are closeted hoarders, they hide it well. The basement was where everything went. I was down there with someone else, I don't remember who it was. I had found a book that was for me, that I felt bad I hadn't read because, when I was down there and started reading it, it was really interesting. It was part of a series, and it was an exploration and interpretation of the Bible through historical record, plausible science and comparison with other cultural ideologies/mythologies. It was... really cool, and right up my alley. Almost like something I would write, if I felt qualified. I read the part about Genesis I and as I was reading... I got that thing I get sometimes where the mental imagery gets really vivid. And this moment was really disorienting in a dream, and is even disorienting just trying to process how it even happened, because I was... dreaming... which is my imagination, my subconscious mind... and then within that dream I was reading a text and... my subconscious in the dream was conceptualizing the text visually. It was like a Russian Nesting Doll of subconscious visualization, it's absolutely mind-boggling that that's even possible. And this visualization was... essentially an early proto-Earth colliding with a very water-dense celestial object. My brain interpreted this very metaphorically, like big blob of water. And then the combination of these two qualities ended up nurturing an environment like hydrated and nutrient enriched soil. Again, a metaphor, like... water and collision were huge components in setting off the chain reaction that resulted in... life. And... there was some part in the text that was referring... where either that water-dense body or the proto-Earth likely came from. I don't really remember the details on that.

And then... after that... I remember the person I was with upsetting the streamer (who was there with a bunch of his friends in-character), and they left. And after I read and visualized all of that, as though I had read it out loud... he kinda knew. Honestly, I'm struggling to remember it, I'm going to get the journal real quick to refresh.

Okay, it looks like even in the journal right after I woke up I wasn't sure what had upset the streamer and the people he was with. I was reading that passage in the book in the moments leading up to him getting upset and leaving. The book had this section in it that was like MadLibs... like a simple mini-test to sorta... jog and concretize your memory of what the previous passage was about, so you could sorta... use your own brain to make the connections rather than just reading his wording. So, like... I wasn't sure if I upset him, or he witnessed the surreal visual experience I had and it upset him (because it was super vivid, like panic attack vivid, and very emotional), or maybe he knew what I read and that upset him? Maybe I accidentally read out loud and didn't realize? Or... maybe the person I was with upset him... Which, with this much time between me and the dream, seems like the most likely factor... But, either way, he got upset and left. Then... I could sorta... sense through the ceiling and walls in an almost x-ray kinda way that he was like... glaring at me. In a... judgmental, suspicious, skeptical way. In a "I'm on to you..." way. In a witch-hunty Inquisition kinda way. And that set off a massive panic response that immediately woke me up.

You know what? I reflected on this when I woke up, and it's actually really well put for 4 hours of sleep coming out of a panic attack. <pats self on back> So I'm just gonna transcribe it. Fuck it.

"I felt like I needed to impress him, and like I fucked up... which was embarrassing but passed quickly... but that turned into... genuine concern that I was in danger. Like lynching kinda danger, mob violence danger. And that's because I witnessed that last night. And the chick who was being bullied? She was like me. This crowd? These streamers? I keep gravitating towards confident bullies. Andrew Santino types. They're very talented, but their skill is a coping mechanism developed through trauma and conflict. Unprocessed trauma, typically. Because the coping mechanism is their greatest gift, and really their whole life and identity are built on it. I gravitate towards that talent. Being this aware of how these people think (because I was one of them) and how much influence they have, how followers will blindly obey them and they have thousands, made me scared of... as that guy so poetically said in my Twitch chat "(being) thrown in a river with a mill stone tied to (me)." For learning, and exploring ideas that they may consider heretical. But, more specifically, sharing them and being associated with them."

So... you can imagine how hard writing a journal entry like this can be sometimes. It feels really serious and risky, and really silly at the same time. It's not like the context I'm referring to is even... heretical, really... if anything it's trying to prove the Bible's validity! But... I've just seen a lot of dark shit in my study of humanity. A lot of dark, ignorant, zealous things that people do. And seeing that mob mentality last night? It just brought me back to that same old familiar fear. And that shit sticks, and can be hard to shake.

I'm getting really tired, so I want to kinda wrap up, so let me get to the crux of all of this.

Besides the obvious, this journal and this post, why would I be so anxious about sharing my personal beliefs publicly? 1). Family-induced trauma, let's just get that out of the way, so that explains the life-shattering severity. But the focus - I made my desire path project public today. I posted it. It was my only goal for the day. And I did it.

I put it on YouTube. It currently has 3 views and no one has watched it all the way through. I fucking hate analytics and I don't want to watch them anymore. So fucking stupid, as though you have any control over whether people give a fuck about your work. Yikes.

Then, I went into this whole pros and cons list of posting the full project on Instagram. Insta won't let you link shit, and I wanted to keep my videos all on YT because... habit, I guess? Maybe because my Rimworld series is still over there and I was hoping someone might actually give a fuck about that again someday. But after a long time going over it, I decided instead of trying to direct people to go to my profile, then go to my YT link... fuck that. I'm just going to post it there in full, too. And I did. And the grand reception? I got 2 likes. And a comment from my former "best friend", my former goddaughter's mother. And I do appreciate the sentiment. It's just been hard to process those memories.

I always wanted to be a dad. And in my 20's, I got to be her nanny for most of the week when she was around 1 year old. I was working nights and inverting my sleep schedule to drive up an hour each way to watch her during the week. I still have a picture from when I got there one day and comedically, melodramatically collapsed onto the couch in exhaustion and actually fell asleep with my legs hanging in the air off the couch and shit, right next to my goddaughter who was also passed out. And she fired me. Because I didn't "take her outside enough", which she never instructed me to do or taught me how to do. Not to mention the fact that she never paid me once, and I just... didn't ask for money? Because I was trying to be nice? Because both her and her husband were like... not parenting their infant child and just going and working jobs instead, while I watched their kid for them.

Meh, enough about that. See what it does to my head though? Nostalgia is nice... sometimes... but it can be bitter, and if you have an especially dicey past, it can turn sour real quick. So... I do appreciate her sentiment, she left a really kind compliment that seems sincere. And the emotional processing from the past? That's my job, I gotta just remember... that's in the past. I just... I feel bad for my goddaughter, and I miss her. She was the closest thing to a daughter I've ever had, besides my dog and cat, of course. The closest thing to a human daughter I've ever had. And she may not have a great role model for like... healthy emotional regulation. And I worry about her. And I do kinda feel like... that's kinda part of the godfather thing, to step up and like... be there. But at this point? I was envisioning this when I was making dinner. I feel like if I ever even do that, I'm going to be the uncle or aunt figure at the family dinner that they haven't seen in 10 years and pulls the teenage kid aside and goes "you know, I used to change your diapers, do you remember me? No? It's okay, well... if you ever need to like... talk or anything, I'm always here for you." And they'll wince through the awkwardness and then go off and play something on their phone and sigh and mutter "weirdo". But like... is it worse to not even try?

That's a quandary for another day, I just went down that line of thought because I was kinda imaginatively strategizing what might happen if my former friend messaged me. To... prepare myself.

So yeah, lots of ups and downs today. Sleep deprivation, panic, nap, social media strategy, posted the video, made dinner, watched streams, Risk of Rain, journal, and off to bed we go.

Gonna try to sneak a quick shower in before bed, screw it, see if that helps with more relaxing sleep.

To end on a more uplifted note... The Path was one of the more ambitious projects I've taken on. It was very new, super conceptual, very "risky" regarding whether anyone would "get it", also very tedious and demanding. I did the 100 runs in Minecraft, with 3 screenshots per run. I hand-drew each path, twice. I animated each path individually. I composed, played and recorded 12 minutes of original music for 4 guitars, bass and drums. I wrote the script, I recorded the voiceover (on Easter day!). I hand-drew and animated the parts of the voiceover that I couldn't really figure out what to put under, as though they were being drawn on a whiteboard. I shot cinematic B-roll in Minecraft, Google StreetView and a real life National Park. I edited it all together.

And now... it's done.

Fuck crowd reception, this was months in the making. I am goddamn proud of myself.

[jaanusbooktalk]

Gods of Jade and Shadow by Silvia Moreno-Garcia - Review

8.8/10 ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

TWs: Graphic violence, death, misogyny, ritualistic self-harm, abuse (from grandparent & cousin), colorism, animal death

TWs are ranked in order of severity (please take them seriously!)

I’m a little bit annoyed writing this review (no fault of the book) just because I had already gotten halfway through and tumblr deleted the entire thing 😭 so I’m now starting all over. That’s why it took so long for me to update again, because the moment I saw it was gone all my motivation left my body like water evaporates in a desert 💀 but I’m back, because I feel like this book is too good to not talk about - imagine the Jazz Age meets indigenous Mexican mythology meets right person wrong time!!

I’ll start off by saying this is the first book I’ve consciously annotated, since I found so many amazing lines and parts that made my heart flutter 🦋 I’m also going to talk about representation in this review (like I do in all of them) but this is coming from an outside perspective: this is not my culture or language, I am just sharing what I’ve noticed. I’ll be sharing some of my personal favorite quotes from this book as we go (warnings for spoilers will be posted beforehand!)

I barely remember what I wrote before so here goes nothing haha

The Summary:

“The Jazz Age is a time of daring dances and fast music, but not for Casiopea Tun. She is stuck in her dusty small town, performing menial chores, until the day when she opens a curious wooden box - and accidentally frees an imprisoned deity. In the company of the strangely alluring god and armed only with her wits, Casiopea begins an adventure replete with malicious ghosts, shape-changing sorcerers, and powerful magic. Her cross-country odyssey will take her from the jungles of Yucatán to the bright lights of Mexico Cjty - and deep into the darkness of the Mayan underworld.”

TL;DR A young woman and a Mayan death god embark on a life-changing journey in this one-of-a-kind fairy tale inspired by Mexican folklore.

I found this book at Politics and Prose bookstore (amazing chain) and fell in love - it had already been on my TBR, but just look at that cover! Seeing my kind of nose represented on a cover made me really happy! (Representation matters🥰🥰)

I was interested in checking out some Mexican mythology and I love when magic and the supernatural can combine with historical settings - it always makes the story super interesting. The story mainly occurs in Mexico but also crosses the border into the US eventually! I’m keeping my fingers crossed for a sequel🍀

Silvia Moreno-Garcia is also the author of:

The Beautiful Ones

Certain Dark Things

Signal to Noise

Untamed Shore

Mexican Gothic

^live footage of me trying to find the draft of this post

There is so so much I loved about this book but I’ll try to keep it short. First off, on representation, Casiopea (main character) is a dark skinned Latina, with indigenous ancestry from her father. She grew up learning about constellations from him, and more about her culture - like the stories about the Hero Twins and the gods of the Mayan underworld.

The gods are also dark skinned, and extremely handsome (this alone made me so happy, because darker skinned POC rarely get described as handsome in a divine way) and there is a lot of positive representation in that area. Casiopea struggles with the colorism she faces from the rest of her family and as a result doesn’t consider herself very beautiful (even though she is). Throughout the book Casiopea begins to learn who she is away from her family & starts to love herself more 💗

What I liked:

Instead of the usual paragraphs I’ll show you some quotes I loved - because for me what made this book great was the prose and there’s no way to talk about that except to show you 😊 also this section ALSO deleted right after I finished it and I have no energy left.

//Spoilers ahead//

//Spoilers over//

One of my favorite parts of the book was the relationship between Hun-Kamé(the Mayan death god) and Casiopea. It’s sort of like someone who has experienced a lot of the world and become jaded and numb is connected to someone who is experiencing the world for the first time. She helps him see it through new eyes and softens him, and he helps her find her footing in the fast paced world so different from her home.

I feel like Casiopea was really independent, which is why some people call it a “feminist” novel, but I think above all it’s a coming of age novel. There is an ongoing contrast between Casiopea’s youth and the ageless god’s view of the world. Her decisions are influenced by her youth and mortality, two things that Hun-Kamé struggles to understand.

Why I couldn’t give it a 10:

I can’t put my finger on anything specific, but I had a hard time getting drawn into the magic of the world. I also wished I could have seen more on Casiopea’s development as a character, since women in mythology tend to serve merely sacrificial or symbolic roles, and the story stresses that her being a woman plays a large role in her centrality to the story. Also, she didn’t seem to have a motivation other than “freedom”, so I’m hoping to see how her character develops with that freedom in a sequel. Nevertheless, I really want to read the sequel!(Hoping there is one)

I sincerely recommend to fans of:

• Kamisama Kiss (anime)

• Inuyasha (anime)

• Goblin/ Guardian: The Lonely and Great God (kdrama)

The book was inspired by the story of Popol Vuh, a Mayan story about the creation and the Hero Twins who journey to Xibalba, the underworld. I really enjoyed learning more about Mexican and Mayan culture and language, and this has inspired me to check out another book by the author, Mexican Gothic!

💗💗 this definitely won’t be the last book by Silvia Moreno-Garcia that I pick up!

[solarisensun]

I now stan bokuto with a breeding kink and it has now become my truth. Lowkey wondering how he would act with his girl getting pregnant while they’re in high school🤭 but imagine that people just badmouthing you while you have a swallow belly and bokuto being oblivious to people just talking down on you?? I’d dead ass just drop out or hold off school for a year - but I get the feeling that bokuto just make you move in and not let you go back to school, telling you that your priority is him and your growing family. 🤭

Sorry babe I didn’t update it in my rules posts but I genuinely have no idea how to write ab preganant women 🤡🤡🤡🤡 But you know what? I’ll TRY this will be the first AND last post ab pregnancy since it’s my fault that I didn’t mention this in my rules post 🔔🔔

Warnings: Pregnant reader, toxic parents, toxicity in general, fluff in the end.

It was inevitable. The bump in your belly that grows and grows until your uniform doesn’t fit quite right in certain places and your parents catch you sobbing on your knees in your bathroom.

It doesn’t take long for the horrifying incident to pour out of your mouth in between sobs. You hadn’t really knew what to expect, would they welcome you with open arms? Would they talk to Bokuto?

What you hadn’t anticipated was the utter look of disgust that paints across their eyes when you finish your story.

“It’s your own fault.”

“Why did you go about seducing that Kotaro boy?”

“What do you expect us to do? You just had to go and fuck up your last year of high school didn’t you?”

“We’re already struggling to push you through school, how can you expect us to feed another mouth under the roof?”

A slap to the face would’ve been more painful than the words that your own parents were saying to you, paired with the undisguised horror etched across their hard faces towards you, their only daughter. It only makes you sob harder.

You curl up on the floor, face pressed against the tiled floor as pained gasps escapes your lips. An antigonizing voice echoes in the background whom vaguely sounds like the endless berating of your father.

Shut up, SHUT UP. You want to tell him. ITS NOT MY FAULT. Eventually, the ground stops spinning so viciously. Your shuddering breaths evens out, enough for you to lean against the wall as your pants evens out bit by bit.

The sense of humiliation and hurt flares in your chest, an angry living thing that festers.

There’s no one left to care for you. No one except the father of the child.

“Shh, shh.” Bokuto settles you more comfortably on his lap, looping his arms around your shuddering body.

All it took was one crying phone call for him to arrive in your door step.

You’d never seen the male so utterly furious, slamming the door on the way out so hard that the windows threatened to crack under the force of his power. Every nerve of his large build was tensed up in sheer anger, it wasn’t until he had you safely tucked away in his room when the tension melts away at the sight of you huddled adorably in his old tee.

He grabs your phone while your changing, deleting and blocking every trace of your old life. You make a little noise of protest at his actions but make no move to stop him, instead staring with wide tired eyes. 

The sight of his oversized shirt slipping off your shoulders and the way it just barely covers your legs ignites a fierce sense of protectiveness of him. The little bump peeking out merely adds fuel to the fire.

You flinch when his hand cups the back of your head and strokes soothing fingers through your hair as he guides your head to rest on his shoulders. “I’m here, I’m here.” He murmurs into your hair.

Your soft sweet whimpers are partly muffled when you throw your arms around his neck to hug him. Bokuto coos at the gesture, rubbing absentminded circles into the back of your spine, being extra mindful that his weight doesn’t accidentally crush your belly.

“I’ll take care of you,” he continued, bending down to peck a gentle kiss on your belly. “We both know I’ll never leave you, your mine, my sweet little princess.”

“Yours.” You whimper in repeat. Letting the words wash over you until the numbness of rejection settles in. Until it makes sense.  There’s no one left in this world now. 

Just you and him, and the life growing in your belly. All the walls you had build meticulously around your heart to ward him off had long collapsed as Bokuto pries his way into you both physically and mentally.

He loves you so much, and without a doubt, he knows that he’ll love your child even more.