#*cries* god i love being asian

[jynjackets]

I finally watched The Creator and holy shit why didn’t any of you tell me it was going to be that beautiful

[sophia-sol]

Every year at about this time (...very approximately) I post a reclist of 10 short stories I particularly enjoyed reading in the last year, all of which can be read online for free. Here's the latest list, and I hope you enjoy them as much as I did!

1. Sestu Hunts the Last Deer in Heaven - MH Cheung Beautiful and odd. A story of what happens after you've killed the gods, the unexpected realities and the things you have to live with. I love stories about after the climactic things traditional fantasy narratives are about, and this one excels!

2. If You Find Yourself Speaking to God, Address God with the Informal You - John Chu Two butch Asian weightlifter dudes bonding with each other and then dating, and one of them happens to have superpowers, but the superpowers aren't the focus. This is SO charming!!

3. Two Hands, Wrapped in Gold - SB Divya This is a really cool retelling of the classic fairy tale Rumpelstiltskin from the Rumpelstiltskin character's pov, building out the world and his background and making him a sympathetic character with a specific history. Haven't seen a fairy tale retelling quite like this before and it's great! And I say that as a connoisseur of fairy tale retellings.

4. A Farce to Suit the New Girl - Rebecca Fraimow A troupe of Jewish actors in Russia, in a time of political upheaval. This story has such a good and powerful feeling of activity and forward momentum, and of the way a community supports people even if things are weird or complicated! I love every single character and how firmly they are themselves.

5. Sheri, At This Very Moment - Bianca Sayan The sacrifices you make to spend time with the ones you love - a snapshot of one brief visit together, out of two lives that only rarely get to align. Made me teary the first time I read it!

6. Spirochete - Anneke Schwob An engaging second-person pov story about possession and identity. It has such a great sense of timing! And the last line GOT me even on second read when I hypothetically knew what was coming!

7. To Embody a Wildfire Starting - Iona Datt Sharma Ahhhhhh this story is so good at embodying the horrible complexities of the choices people make in the worst of situations, that good and bad and divine and evil and just plain personness can all reside in one being. Also it's about a dragon society and the revolutionary humans who tried to make everyone into dragons, and also about parent-child relationships, and also about a bunch of other things. God it's good.

8. Obsolesce - Nadine Aurora Tabing Is it really me if I don't have at least ONE story about robots in my rec lists? (actually I just went back and checked and in multiple previous years I inexplicably didn't, maybe it wasn't me writing the reclist in those years lol) ANYWAY who wants to have sad feelings about robots again! I know I always do! In a world where anyone who has a physical body instead of having their consciousness transferred is more and more obsolete, no matter if your body is human or robot, what do you hold onto? This one has a real good melancholy tone.

9. Letters from a Travelling Man - WJ Tattersdill ....does what it says on the tin. Letters to a dear friend, from a man travelling for the first time to the unfamiliar part of the world that friend comes from. I love the sense of place you get from the letters, as well as the deep and abiding importance of this friendship in both their lives. Another one I cried over!

10. Texts from the Ghost War - Alex Yuschik Another epistolary one, but this time in text messages instead of letters, and between characters who start the story antagonistically! About mech pilots in a ghost war, and making connections, and finding things to care about, even when stuff sucks. I love them!! (also, I am inescapably me, whoops, it took me until I read some fanfic of this story to realize that almost certainly the story was meant to be canonically shipping the two leads, I never notice romance unless there's anvil-sized indications.) Anyway this is a really good story!

[jade-len]

i adore how mxtx sorta flipped the idea on the whole top/bottom thing with svsss, and just BL relationships in general.

making bingqiu very open to switching, not making the "bottom" super feminine and actually leaning more to the handsome side compared to the "top", how luo binghe is manipulative sensitive and cries easily, etc. one of the main themes in svsss is literally about sexuality (and possibly even about gender roles).

as a queer asian man myself, i absolutely despise the "yaoi archetype" and it was one of the reasons why i avoided consuming BL media. hell, years ago when i first saw heavens official blessing, i mentally groaned and went, "ugh, let me guess, the bottom is super feminine and innocent, while the top is masculine and experienced." of course, that's not the case now, but it's disappointing how that thought was there purely because of the god awful way fetish-y media portrays homosexual people and couples. because, believe it or not, we are not assigned male/female typical gender roles just because one likes to top/bottom (and even then, it's not even like that! some people have preferences, sure, but it's not so strictly "i'm top/bottom")

so, while i absolutely LOVE the english novel designs (especially luo binghe's cute curly hair, gongyi xiao, etc, and personally believe a lot of the takes from the western artist on the designs are an improvement), i am greatly saddened by people subconsciously assigning shen qingqiu as someone more delicate and feminine and luo binghe as someone super masculine and muscly. like, if you're going to have luo binghe depicted as the western design (i believe this stems from binghe being applied to more western ideals for men, and, admittedly, i actually really love his design), at least don't make shen qingqiu feminine and delicate? don't have his appearance play into the stupid yaoi thing?

i get that people have different takes on svsss, especially how the western version depicts it. but, people just... seem to very over exaggerate the top/bottom roles when it comes to bingqiu (again, these two are, canonically, VERY open to switching).

it's weird, it's uncomfortable, and it comes across as, "so, who wears the pants in the relationship?"

so, can we please have more canonically handsome shen qingqiu? canonically beautiful and pretty boy luo binghe (they literallly state that binghe looks EXACTLY like his mom, su xiyan! while a more handsome woman, is still very beautiful!! plus it is stated several times that binghe is slim, and that shang qinghua made him that way!) or at the very least, a BL couple who actually look like normal people (ok thats a little hard considering binghe is literally supposed to be perfect) and not just a stupid fetishized version of themselves.

and no, i'm not saying that queer men shouldn't be feminine or men who are feminine shouldn't be in a relationship with guys who are masculine, etc.

TLDR: please stop twinkifying shen qingqiu and going against what mxtx defied for us queer men (the stupid yaoi roles). and for the love of whoever you believe in, do NOT think that i hate the english design or people's personal interpretation of characters, i just hate the subconscious assigning of gender roles to bingqiu and how media portrays and fetishizes LGBTQ+ relationships in general.

edit: also i love teardrew's (check them out on twitter!) interpretation of shang qinghua. while i do really like the the eng novel design's tiny scared hamster vibes, teardrew's version just radiates "up to no good, paranoid but suspicious looking bitch" rat man and i love it so so so much. i'm not gonna repost their art bc i don't know how they feel about that but perhaps you can search up "svsss designs" on here, you'll see it pop up eventually lol.

edit 2 (1/16): i just saw someone reblog a post (that im pretty sure was referring to this one because, well, if you saw it i think it'd be a little clear kahxj) that was about how bingqiu switching and completely eschewing traditional top/bottom dynamics was a fandom idea or smth? so now i'm wondering, since i swear i remember that they were open to switching, but it's just that sqq preferred to bottom and/or was just a little too lazy to top. plus, sqq is a pretty unreliable narrator who says he doesn't want something one moment and then he does. how could he say no to bingbing? esp if he seems to wanna try bottoming too. perhaps i'm mixing things up though, idk? so if anyone can find that passage that says he only and strictly wants to bottom or whatever please show me! but i think the point of this post still stands haha (i wanted to ask about it, actually, but when i clicked on the og post's user it turned out that they blocked me ? so that was a little surprising oops. hey if ur somehow reading this, im... sorry for making you want to block me bc of this post? akdhxjj)

[yinandyanglifestyle]

I went to Sydney for Alphonse Mucha

by: Icie

One thing to know about me, I was an interior design major back in my home country. I absolutely sucked at it, but I fell in love with Art History. In that minor, our professors taught us about different art styles through the ages and bit by bit I saw the progress of art through the ages. I loved the OG Gothic Style, Romanesque, was disillusioned with Baroque and Rococo from the west... It was too Western focused and it didn't interest me as much (because I was an Asian kid) until we got towards the end of the 19th century where the grandparents of weebs (of which I am a part of) hailed from and Japonisme was a thing. Japonisme inspired so much beautiful art and it triggered a domino effect that ultimately led to Art Nouveau where Alphonse Mucha was a main character.

This was it. My favourite art style! I can never go back to loving other art styles after discovering Art Nouveau. It spoke to me about how feminine it was and it awakened something from my mostly masculine soul. I wanted to see more of these beautiful girls surrounded by flowers and stars, wearing kimono-inspired clothes in pretty pastels. The macaroni hair only added to the romanticism of it all. This is what love is like, but in art form!

Fast forward to 2024, The Mucha Foundation collaborated with the Art Gallery of New South Wales to host over 200 of this master's works which was "the most comprehensive exhibition ever seen in Australia of this visionary artist's work". I had to see it. I needed to see it! I am a big fan of Mucha and Art Nouveau, and one of my dreams was to go to Paris, Brussels, and Prague for all of the beautiful swirly-whirlies. Being a Brisbanite, I was exited. Please come to my city! Please, please, please! But AGNSW said "sorry, it's exclusive to Sydney."

Dammit. It's off to Sydney I go. I donned my Sailor Moon dress, packed my bag for a 3 day trip with my partner just so I could see this legend's works and boy, I was not disappointed. I learned to love Mucha and his works even more. We landed in Sydney, didn't check in our hotel, and went straight to the main quest:

Outside, they had this big banner of Mucha's name. Inside was this glorious area that showcased Summer (left) and Rose (right). Oh wait, the exhibit is next door. So we went to the more modern building, down two floors, bought tickets, and enjoyed the art.

In the newer building next door, I was treated to pre-art nouveau Mucha. We learned about what his life was like before his popularity. He designed some clothes for a theatre, hung out with everyone's buddy Paul Gaugin, Ludek Marold and Annah the Javanese. The tour guide said, "if he wasn't a painter, he would've been a great photographer".

Then we were treated to the meat of the exhibit: the Sarah Bernhardt stuff, his lithographs, his sketches, but what struck me most were his concept art to reality. (Excuse my phone's shadow. For some reason, AGNSW decided to put these works on a 45° angle under bright lights. The girl beside me even said "fucking glare!" and I wholeheartedly agreed.)

We were treated to so many wonderful works and I cried when I saw parts of Le Pater. I'm an atheist but this made me think that maybe there is a god. Maybe. But still, beautiful artwork that left me speechless.

I got to stand next to my favourite work of his: White Star. Joy!

At the end of the exhibit, the tour guide talked about how Mucha who was somewhat influenced by Japan, now influenced Japan. Now we come full circle with anime and manga characters depicted in art nouveau styled paintings and posters. Oh boy, we had our Lord Yoshitaka Amano's works in the gallery as well. I was so lucky to see works of my two favourite artists in one day!

It was almost 2PM by the time we finished the tour. We spent at least 4 hours in the gallery after landing just because I fangirled and was willing to spend money on Mucha. Yeah, I bought stuff. A reproduction of Alphonse Mucha's original "Documents Decoratifs" which focused more on his industrial design work (jewellery, cutlery, furniture etc) which I rarely see on the internet, a set of badges and make-up from Japanese brand MilleFée.

I went to Sydney for Alphonse Mucha and it was worth it. I end this rabid fangirling with the parting words of the Art Gallery of New South Wales' tour guide: Mucha's style has never been as well loved and as well represented as it is in Japan.

[iinsertblognamee]

hello new york

summary ― sam gets signed to play for the western new york flash team

pairing ― sam kerr x reader

warning/s ― fluff, mentions of injury

masterlist

Not even two days after arriving back home from Cyprus did your world completely flip. 

Sam had been offered a sport in the Western New York Flash team playing in the National’s Women Soccer League. It was a big deal and you knew she had to take it - even if it meant leaving the country for the first time without you. 

Logically you both knew you would be able to come over and visit, as well as play in the Asian World Cup in a few months. But this was different to last time, this wasn’t just on the other side of the country, it was the other side of the world. 

Bags were packed within the week and after the win against Brazil in Brisbane when it was time to fly home, you went one way and Sam went another. 

You never got used to Sam not being around, but you got the hang of long-distance fast enough. You both had block-out times every day where you would both be contactable. You had all her games in the calendar, ready to watch them regardless of the time over here. 

It felt a lot longer than a month before you saw each other again. It was hard seeing each other for the first time and not being able to hide away, training for the Women’s World Cup taking over. Thankfully you were given the nights in your shared hotel to make up for lost time. 

The games were rough, your ankle playing up in the second game causing you to sub off halfway through the game. You watched on the sideline as your team won 3 - 1 to Jordan. Turns out your ankle was now placed as a stress fracture, being benched for the rest of the World Cup. It sucked, sitting there watching the girls go out and play but you knew (from last time) not to push yourself and let it heal properly. 

After many talks with your physio, you were given the all-clear for air travel, deciding to use your break to head back over to New York with Sam. Tickets were booked (although you had to change Sam’s booking so that you two could be together on the flight over, which she didn’t know about) the excitement of your plan helped you through the annoyance of not being able to play. 

The World Cup ended as fast as it came, the team saying their goodbyes as they all started making their way to wherever they were heading. It had taken Sam three seconds to realise what exactly she was looking at when you handed her the tickets and passports. Her arms wrapped around you as she spun you around. 

“You’re coming with me? To New York?” you nodded your head in response, laughter leaving both your lips and she brought you in for a kiss. 

“God, I love you so so much”. 

After a meeting with your physio, Sam asked every question under the sun to ensure it was okay for you to come and all the information she would need over there, you were off. You held Sam’s hand through lift off, taking her mind off the flight by telling her stories she had missed while being away. 

The flight was hard on your body, the pressure of the plane as well as not being able to move around and use it caused your ankle to swell up. Sam massaged it as best as she could, asking for ice to create an ice pack for you and when you cried, she brought your head into her neck, rubbing your back trying to soothe you in any way possible. 

You managed to pass out during the 7th and 8th hour on the flight, your armrest between you and Sam up, so you could lay on her without either of you being stabbed. Sam continued to watch your face, looking for any sign of discomfort as she played with your hair. The lady who was sitting in the aisle seat kept looking over at the pair of you, Sam waited for the comments to start, she didn’t care what this lady had to say. Her girlfriend was in pain. 

“You two make a lovely couple” 

Sam almost missed it the way she whispered it, being mindful of you asleep in her lap. Sam looked up at the lady to see a small smile on her face. 

“Thank you” 

She throws her hand in the air to say no need to thank me before adding “You two remind me of me and my husband, back when we were young” 

Sam smiles in response, looking back down to you, pushing the hair that had fallen off your forehead. A few seconds pass, Sam thinking the lady was uninterested anymore, as she looked back up. 

“Is she the one?” a small glint in the lady’s eye causing Sam to let out a small laugh, nodding her head. 

“Yeah, she’s the one”.

[xianhuashi-second-blog]

Big Hero 6 was 9 years ago, going on 10. Next year is when it takes place. So, this is an appreciation post for the movie, and what it’s done for me.

Trigger Warning ahead, the post mentions de@th and $u1c1d3, (spelled wrong so I don’t get flagged/shadow banned by the Tumblr gods.) complex grief and mentions of mental health.

BH6 came out when I was 4-5 (what a long time ago omfg-) so its importance to me was non existent. Me and my (much) Older brother watched it together a few years later in 2016. Young me didn’t know the nuance and severity of Hiro Hamada as a character. All I saw was “Two Asian siblings” that had a relationship like me and my brother. I tuned out the rest of the movie that night because I had *and still have* the attention span of a goldfish with dementia. Years later, very recently, (near the end of 2023, but school still in session ) he jumped. He passed away that day. I think I cried an ocean when I got the news from my father.

I cried, not only because I love and miss him with all I am, I sobbed because he was my other half, essentially another father. I cried because I felt, I knew I could have done something differently, so then maybe he’d be alive a bit longer. And, I cry because of all he put himself through for me. It’s hard to imagine the suffering and agony he put himself through to be there for me.

I have diagnosed High functioning Autism. My brother had a feeling, but he helped me understand how neurotypicals interact, how to fake making eye contact, how to hold up a conversation, learn body language, you name it. He even bought me noise canceling headphones because I’m sensitive to loud sounds, and fidget toys that I could use during school. My parents, on the other hand, thought I was just a spoilt brat who needs to pay attention to people, and stop being so picky with foods and their textures, a brat that has to be more social, stop shying away from kids my age. My brother was the one to convince them to get me tested for Autism, to prove I wasn’t just a bratty kid.

He sat through my ramblings about Steven Universe and The Stanley Parable. He helped me work through my meltdowns, and told me it wasn’t my fault that certain things make me upset.

I crumbled to the ground. My world was shattered. After I was “back into reality,” I realized my father was holding me in his arms. I hugged him tightly. My face was smushed against his chest so hardly that it felt like my cheek was about to break. It felt like him. It felt like how he’d wrap me in bear hugs. Weeks went by. We had his Funeral. I looked at the picture of him near his casket. It felt surreal knowing that the same man was inside of the wooden box, awaiting his burial. I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream and shout and cause myself to have a breakdown, but I physically couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to be angry at him either. So I just stood there, fingers slightly touching his coffin, where I knew his face would be.

Later on, being forced to go back to school the following week because the American school system sucks 🖕 🇺🇸

I got back home. I went on disney plus to elevate myself of my grief. I scrolled through the home screen, when Big Hero 6 showed up. I remembered watching it with him, so I convinced myself- despite not wanting reminders- to watch it. “Welcome to Nerd-school. Nerd.” I watched the fire alarms blair. The infamous “someone has to help” scene before he ran into the fire. Then, the scene where Hiro was sitting alone on the staircase in his memorial outfit. That frame alone was truly a perfect representation of sudden loss and grief. I felt seen, and acknowledged. I felt understood. I kept watching. Near the end, Hiro was trying to “fix Baymax” with the violence chip thing. “Is this what Tadashi would have wanted?” “It doesn’t matter!” And then finally, “Tadashi’s GONE! Tadashi’s… gone….” The feeling that scene gave me was complicated. But, it left me with the knowledge that he was with me in memory. That, of course, didn’t take away everything that was happening to me.

That movie helped me through complicated emotions, and I cannot thank the BH6 team enough for what they’ve done for me, and how that movie helped me. I still blame myself for what happened. I’m still grieving, and it’s still hard to live without him. And the idea that Tadashi doesn’t get to see his baby brother’s super hero team, yet said team wouldn’t exist without his death, helps me realize that without my brother’s death, I wouldn’t have such a kind community of fellow fans of the movie, who enjoy my art and my storytelling.

Thank you for all you’ve done. Thank you for everything. It was an honor to have you as my brother, and I miss you so much. I know not many people have good relationships with their older siblings right off the bat, so I am so grateful you could give me that friendship. I promise i’m gonna make you proud.

[rayof-damnsunshine]

Lore drop

Tw: being sick

Brook was sobbing.

She was so sick. She had a raging fever, she was trembling and her mother was doing absolutely nothing to help.

Sasha pressed a cold rag on her forehead as she argued with their mother. "Mum, she's sick! She needs to see a doctor!"

"She's fine. She just got a cold."

"You're joking!"

Brook cried harder. Everything felt amplified now. It felt like all her senses had been cracked to 100%.

"Too loud..." She sobbed.

"Sorry, Brook." Sasha said softly, before turning to their mother and talking in an angered whisper. "Can you not see this? She's in pain and she definitely doesn't have just a cold."

"Okay, fine. But she'll be fine."

Sasha got angrier. "Fine? She'll be fine? She could die!"

"What?" Brook froze before starting to sob hysterically. "I don't want to die!"

"Shit- Brook, hey, it's alright. You're not going to die."

"But- you just said-"

"I didn't mean it. I was just angry." Sasha said quickly. "Damnnit. I need a cold cloth again. Mum, do something! Your child is sick!"

"God, you two are so dramatic." Their mother rolled her eyes and walked out the room. "They better not get me sick." She muttered.

Sasha sighed, her nostrils flaring. "I'll just get you another cloth. And call dad. That woman was useless..." Sasha disappeared out the doorway as well, leaving Brook alone with a thick silence.

She rolled over, feeling exhausted again. She just wanted her dad.

@that-asian-child-of-aphrodite @arisdaughter @childofthewargod @glee-of-ares-wrath-of-aphrodite @aria-pane

@apollos-favorite-child @delilah-isnt-dead-yett @athenas-weirdo-daughter @daonedaonlyskh @lovely-liilies-and-lillacs

@damiedantediane

ooc: If you want to be added or removed from the tag list, let me know :)

[animeniacss]

Seoksoo - imperfect Part 1 - Chapter 15 - It Was Perfect

Synopsis: Lee Seokmin likes a lot of things: karaoke, stuffed animals, his friends, his family (when they're not at each other's throats), and when things go according to plan. It's perfect that way. That is...until Joshua Hong, the Education Department TA, stumbles into his view one day and suddenly Seokmin has to start facing the fact that maybe not everything in life will be perfect...but with Joshua, that might just be ok.

Tags: College!AU, ActingMajor!Seokmin, Teacher!Joshua, Romance, Angst, Fluff, Mutual Pining, Misunderstandings, Side GyuCheol, Side JunHao, Side Verkwan, Other Idol appearances, Anxiety/Panic Attacks, Domestic Violence (not between the main couple), Joshua is a dork 90% of the time, (More Tags will be Added as needed)

Length: approx. 9.6k words

Chapter 15 - It Was Perfect

       “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” – James 1:17

Most kids know very little, if anything, about the day they were born. Not Joshua Hong. Born late in the night of December 30th, Joshua was not breathing for a good minute after birth. Doctors tried everything to get him to cry, warming him up in blankets so he wouldn’t turn blue while his parents screamed and begged them to save their child.

The doctors said that the second he took his first breath, the minute his cries mixed with the hysteric sobs of his mother, it began snowing. In Los Angeles.

         It was truly a perfect day, as it would be for any new parents in 1995.

         Joshua Hong knew that before him, his parents went through 4 pregnancy losses in 3 years, and tried in just as many years before that. He was never sure why he was the one God picked to enter the world, but his parents didn’t care. He was their first and only son. Their miracle.

         He was perfect.

         His father would share with every customer in his restaurant the story of his son’s miracle birth, his mother squealing about it on every birthday and in every book club. Joshua was so perfect, they stopped trying for any more kids after that. Why keep going, after so much heartbreak and grief, when the child that made it into their arms was all they ever asked for in the first place?

         It. Was. Perfect.

         Growing up affluent gave Joshua access to everything he could ever want. His room was littered with so many books that he could read by age 2. He was strumming Fischer Price guitars with such artistic rhythm, a real one was given as a gift when he turned five. His parents said he was the reason they started going back to church, their faith in God restored after he came into their lives. Joshua never thought it was a problem. He loved his family; he loved his childhood. It was all perfect. Joshua Hong, only child of a successful restaurant owner and college professor, was perfect. 

Perfect was his favorite word back then. He knew it had 2 syllables and started with the /p/ sound before he could even hold a pencil correctly. He could read the word by age 3, and spell it by age 4.

         Joshua heard his name and ‘perfect’ in the same sentence for most of his life, he thought that they were the exact same word. When he learned that they were in fact not, he was devastated in the way only a four-year-old could be about something so trivial.

         The part of Los Angeles the Hong’s grew up in had few Asian-Americans, much less Korean-Americans. In school, he was the model student – the perfect student – the ever-revered ‘I love how Joshua is being a good example’ student that others should be modeling their behavior after. However, with his intellect and perceptiveness, it didn’t take him long to realize he was different; far beyond the brains tucked away in his skull and the decorum of a prince. 

Even in the LA sun, his skin was paler than the other kids. He spoke two languages while most only spoke one – or one and a half. He didn’t go to school on Chuseok, and he always brought ‘weird’ Korean meals to school. In third grade, the meanest kid in class, Ryan Sharp asked him what stunk in his lunchbox, and got the entire lunch table to scream when he revealed it to be kimchi and rice. It wasn’t perfect to them, it was “disgusting!” to them. So, he told the one person who could help him fix the problem.

         “Can I bring peanut butter and jelly to school tomorrow?”

         He remembered his mom turning around as he completed school work at the table. “Why?”

         “The kids in school tease me when I bring kimchi or bulgogi. I want to just bring peanut butter and jelly.”

         His mother crossed her arms and looked at him. “Joshua Hong. You don’t let those other children tease you like that. They don’t know any better. You should teach them about the food so they know more about it.”

         “I don’t think they’ll listen, Mom.”

         “Then that’s on them.” She said. “You know you’re perfect just as you are, right? Don’t let anyone tell you differently.”

         Joshua’s pencil stopped for a second, before nodding. “Yes, Mom.”

In fifth grade, Ryan Sharp got in trouble for saying something about Joshua being the smartest kid in class because he was Asian. Joshua was given a handwritten apology letter, but he knew Ryan didn’t mean it. Joshua didn’t realize that he was playing into a stereotype, he just thought it was because he was perfect. Wasn’t he?

It continued; Joshua being called ‘gay’ because he tried – and failed – to play house at recess with the girls rather than football with the boys. The only time Joshua saw victory was when Ryan got suspended for three days and lost recess for a month after he pushed Joshua in a puddle of mud after a rain storm and ruined his favorite shoes.

         If Joshua’s parents were right, and he was truly perfect, then why did he spend the first 5 years of school being ostracized as the token ‘weird, smart kid?’ Why did the other kids avoid him on the playground? Why were his only friends the ones his mother forced him to sit by at church, and during Sunday school? The older Joshua got, the more he knew that he wanted to be perfect, that he had to be perfect. How could someone like Ryan Sharp torment him if he was perfect in everything? One letter off or not, Joshua would be perfect. 

         The summer before sixth grade, the Hong’s moved closer to the college his mother taught at, and his father had managed to open a second location of his restaurant. The location they settled into had a much higher Asian American population, located right beside the Staples Center. New location; new Joshua; a new chance to be perfect. It was fool proof.

         Joshua’s middle school career was spent at the top of his class. He never missed a test or a quiz, never saw less than a 100 on his papers. He was in every school club you could think of: led the student council, dressed as one of the school mascots in every middle school pep rally, and led the junior debate team to victory for all three years.

         Joshua’s reputation preceded him and left him the subject of many female eyes in the halls. He got the most Valentine’s every year, and he didn’t go to the eighth-grade dance alone. His AIM was filled with less than threes for hearts, and he never knew the pain of a break-up. Boys wanted to be him and girls wanted to be with him. He was living the perfect, ideal, American pre-teen dream.

         At least, that’s what everyone thought.

⚔🦌⚔🦌⚔🦌⚔🦌⚔(im)perfect🦌⚔🦌⚔🦌⚔🦌⚔🦌

The first all-nighter was the night before his 7th grade junior debate meeting. He had a history quiz in the morning, and needed to finish his one-page paper on Bridge to Terabithia. At twelve, time passed in a blur, and he could barely feel the bags under his eyes until his mother pointed them out. He took his daily vitamin, ate breakfast, and was out the door to succeed in all three tasks. The junior debate team saw victory, he got 100 percent on his history quiz, and a 105 on his essay because he added more pages than required. Perfect. All achievements were met with the same three lines:

         “That’s my boy. Do you guys see my boy?!”

         “Isn’t he perfect?”

         “He is our miracle. We’re just so lucky!”

         His parents always had something to tell their friends and family about, and that, to him, was perfect.

         That is, until he started 9th grade and Joshua entered the world of high school. 

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13-year-old Joshua stepped into his geometry class, a sophomore class, his friend Johnny standing at his side. Johnny was a transfer from Chicago, moved right next door to Joshua that summer and the duo became fast friends. “I heard this teacher is really hard. Why didn’t you just take the freshman algebra class?” 

         “Because it’s too easy.” Joshua said simply. Johnny rolled his eyes. “I’ll see you in History. We have the same class, right?”

         “Mhm. And lunch.” He smirked. “I heard Megan’s in our lunch.”

         “Oh?”  Johnny nodded, a smirk on his face. “…Why are you looking at me like that?”

         “She’s had a thing for you like all summer. You need to ask her out.” Joshua was now the one to roll his eyes.

         “It’s 7:30 in the morning. I don’t want to talk about dating this early in the morning.” Johnny snorted, but conceded. “See you later.” Waving Johnny off, Joshua made his way into the first class of the day and nestled into the front seat. 

        He twirled a pencil in his fingers and watched as the rest of the students filed in, waving to some that he recognized from middle school, and saying polite hellos to the ones he didn’t. Just as the first bell rang and teenagers began sprinting to class, Mr. Clark entered, hand rubbing a salt and pepper beard as he set a weathered briefcase down on the front table. Joshua’s eyes darted to the male that slipped in behind him and his eyes widened. He gripped the pencil in his hand so hard he thought it might snap in two.

         Behind Mr. Clark was a stunning male. He was young, most likely in his early twenties, with curly blonde hair and grassy green eyes. Joshua’s eyes caught a mole under his nose that folded under the skin when he smiled. Joshua’s heart felt it was racing a mile a minute as the man stepped into the room, standing at Mr. Clark’s side.

         “This is Mr. Daugherty. He’ll be my student teacher this year. Don’t be an embarrassment.”

         Joshua was fucked. 

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         Mr. Daugherty spent the first quarter simply observing Mr. Clark. Joshua could handle that. As, summer turned to fall, Joshua was able to keep his head buried in his textbook and not worry about the very handsome – no, no, shut the fuck up Joshua – the very not handsome man sitting on the other side of the room, typing away on his computer and occasionally walking among the aisles to help students that asked. Joshua overheard the girls behind him whispering about how handsome he was, and Joshua wanted to slam his face into his desk every time he found himself agreeing.

         “Oh, Joshua.”

         “Huh?!” Joshua’s eyes snapped up to see Mr. Daugherty standing over him, smiling. He was pointing to one of the problems Joshua was working on. “Oh…”

         “You computed this wrong. Do you need help?”

         “No.” Joshua said, maybe a bit too quickly. “No.”

         The blonde looked a bit taken back by Joshua’s response, but hoping to be professional, simply nodded his head with a small smile. “Okay. Holler if you do.” And without another word, Mr. Daughtery was off to check on the next student. Joshua looked down at the math problem, erasing the mistake and fixing it. His eyes darted up to the clock. 30 more minutes to go and Mr. Daughtery was already making his way back up the aisle again.

         Joshua’s Study Hall period that day was spent doing the most important studying of his life. Tucked into the corner of the library, he was hunched over his laptop as he typed ‘Am I gay?’ into the computer search bar. His screen was flooded with Buzzfeed quizzes and YouTube videos titled ’10 Ways to Tell if You’re Gay!!! (NOT clickbait)”. The farther he scrolled, the more the dread sank in. He clicked the quiz.

         Have you ever thought about men romantically?  YES/NO         Have you ever thought about women romantically? YES/NO How does the picture below make you feel?

         “Oh what?!” Joshua slammed the screen of his laptop down when a very explicit photo of a shirtless man on the beach appeared on his screen and made his cheeks explode a very, cherry red. He covered his face, leaning back in his chair. What am I going to do? He thought. This can’t be. It can’t, it can’t, it can’t.

         What will my parents say? They’ll flip out. They’re already pro-abstinence until marriage if I tell them any of this, true or not, they’ll…they’ll….

         “The hell are you doing, Josh?” He sat up from his seat, looking to see Johnny sitting across from him. “Oh. You okay?” Johnny asked. A quick nod and wipe of his eyes was all he could respond with. Staring ahead, he blinked a few times. “Josh…Why are you staring at me?”

             “Johnny, can you drive?”

         “Uh, my dad lets me drive the truck in empty parking lots sometimes. Why?”

         Joshua ran a hand through his hair and grimaced. “Please run me over with it. If it doesn’t kill me the first time, floor it.” Johnny laughed, but immediately saw that his friend was not amused. “I’m serious.”

         “Dude…” Johnny frowned. “Why?” Joshua shook his head.

         “I can’t tell you.” His friend leaned in close, eyes wide. “…What?”

         “You in with the mob or something?” Joshua’s eyes narrowed at him.

         “Are you serious?” He asked. “No!” With a huff, he got up from the library chair and grabbed his bag. Johnny was a man’s man through and through, a bit sarcastic but overall, the definition of what it meant to be a normal, straight man. He’d never understand, and even if he did, Joshua would never say anything. To anyone. “Whatever, forget I said anything, let’s just-.”

         “Hey, Joshua! Johnny!” Joshua’s eyes shot up at the call of his name, seeing a beautiful brunette passing by. Megan O’Rorke, a freshman just like them. A cheerleader, popular, beautiful. She disappeared into one of the nearby aisles with her friends.

         Perfect.

         “Wait here.” Joshua said, before abandoning Johnny. He could hear his friend’s eager cheers of encouragement as he got to the brunette’s side, smiling. “Megan, I have a question for you.”

         Her eyes sparkled almost immediately, stopping in her tracks to turn to him. “Yes?” She asked eagerly. Joshua was silent for a second, blinking a few times. Each time he closed his eyes, Mr. Daughtery looked at him from a different spot in the geometry classroom. That was enough to make him ask.

         “Want to go out Saturday night?”

         Joshua and Megan dated the rest of freshman year. It was enough for Joshua to forget all about Mr. Daughtery, even when he was tasked with taking over the classroom after Christmas break. Joshua felt great, better than ever. His parents were elated to know he had a girlfriend, he was still ranking top of his class in every subject, and he was already in position to run for student council come sophomore year. 

         Everything was perfect. Everything was perfect. Everything was perfect.

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         September of his sophomore year, and things immediately proved they were in fact not perfect. Exhibit A: third period chemistry. Joshua was paired with Marco Rizzo, an Italian-American kid born and raised right in Los Angeles. He was tall, tan, a bit muscular, and a whole year older. He already had his learner’s permit.

         Oh, don’t forget beautiful. Marco Rizzo was beautiful.

         Joshua felt like it would be less painful to drink the solutions they were making in chemistry class, than to stand next to Marco for an entire 45-minute class period. Whatever feelings he thought he had for Mr. Daughterty the year prior were doubled every time Marco reached over him to grab a beaker, or when he brightly laughed at the ‘cute’ purple color they got during an experiment. And the one-time Marco reached over and fixed his safety goggles because Joshua’s hands were already covered with chemicals? He ran to the nurses office feeling like he was going to throw up. He didn’t, but that burning sensation stayed in his stomach for the rest of the week.

         Megan said they had to break-up after their first kiss outside of the movie theatre on her sixteenth birthday. She said that she wasn’t interested anymore, but Joshua was just glad he didn’t have to kiss her again. The kiss was quick, awkward, exactly what one would expect of two teenagers discovering new things about themselves. Joshua, on that day, discovered that kissing girls made him feel disgusting. He took a 45 minute shower when he got home. 

         He responded to the break-up by throwing himself into his studies even harder. He’d yet to see a grade under a 100, and he sure as hell wouldn’t start now. He’d say one quick prayer at his bedside, and flip the computer on. Fingers would fly on the keyboard until the sun's rays poked into view, and Joshua would crawl into bed just long enough to get about an hour of sleep.

         Joshua didn’t start getting chronic headaches until he was 15. He didn’t get his first string of nosebleeds until he was 16. These were mere obstacles; ones Joshua could easily fix with a tissue and few Ibuprofens. The other things were not, however; the thoughts of Marco or Mr. Daughtery, or Taylor Lautner. That one was new, because he caught a trailer for Twilight while scrolling through the TV, and while Johnny commented on how lame it looked, Joshua couldn’t help ogle the shirtless, ripped actor turning into a werewolf before his eyes.

         He was in deep.

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         Joshua dated another girl three months after he and Megan broke up. Krystal, another beautiful cheerleader who he met at church camp. The duo met before his sophomore year, her junior year, and remained good friends through school. Krystal asked him out during their shared gym class, and Joshua almost sounded desperate when he said yes.

         Krystal was nice, but she wasn’t as much of a distraction to Joshua’s problem as Megan was the year prior. Maybe it was because Marco was closer to him more often, maybe it was because Marco approached him in the halls between classes. Maybe it was because when Marco eyed him up and down, Joshua could read it as an attempt to flirt.

         Marco asked to come to Joshua’s house one weekend to study for a test. Joshua couldn’t tell if he was terrified or not, but his parents were so excited to know their perfect son was bringing home a friend, he couldn’t help but say yes. When Marco arrived at his front door with his bookbag and a plastic baggie of chips from the gas station that he knew Joshua liked, Joshua had to plant his feet firmly on the floor so he wouldn’t jump forward and just kiss him.

         “Cool room.” Marco’s eyes fell to the collection of debate team awards and honor roll certificates lining the wall above his desk. He whistled. “Wow. Smarty pants, hm?” Joshua chuckled a bit because speaking felt scary. “I’m glad you’re my partner, then. We’re going to ace this test!” Marco grinned at him, and something in Joshua’s chest short circuited. “Ready?”

         Marco sat up against the foot of Joshua’s bed, Joshua sitting directly across from him. They both were reading through their textbook, taking turns reading definitions aloud that they assumed would be included in the test.

         “You’re so smart, Joshua.” Marco beamed up at him. “I wish I was half as smart as you.”

         Joshua smiled. “You’re smart, don’t say that. You’re good at the hands-on stuff I’m not good at.” Marco’s grin turned into a playful smirk that made Joshua only force his smile more. “You’re disgusting.”

         Marco only responded with a shrug, before reading the next chemistry question aloud. The duo went back and forth like this for about thirty minutes, before the two of them got side tracked chatting about whatever came to their minds. Their textbooks had long since been discarded to the other side of the bed, their focus on one another as they chatted. “You’ve never been to Italy?” Joshua’s eyes widened. Marco shook his head. “I went when I was 8 and I’m not even Italian!”

         Marco laughed; a loud roar of a laugh that made Joshua feel a weird calmness despite how much it reverberated against the walls of his room. “Alright, Richie Rich. No need to rub it in my face!”

         “I’m not!” He gasped. “I’m just surprised.”

         “Well, if you’re so surprised, then next time you go to Italy, take me.” Joshua’s smile immediately fell, eyebrows furrowed.

         “What?” He asked. Marco suddenly looked serious, almost nervous, and that feeling paralleled Joshua's expression. “Heh, I mean, I’d…I’d have to ask my parents, but-.”

         Joshua didn’t get to finish before Marco leaned forward and planted one, big kiss on his lips. Joshua’s entire world came crashing down in one action. He couldn’t move, his entire body frozen solid as he stared ahead. He couldn’t even divert his eyes, he was stuck staring at Marco’s eyes, which were squeezed shut in nerves. He pulled back a second later, and Joshua immediately covered his mouth. His hands were shaking, eyes wide as he stared at the Italian-American across from him. It only took a second for Marco to realize what happened, his face carrying a similar look of panic.

         “Wh….I’m sorry! Are you not? Oh fuck.” He looked around. Joshua couldn’t even speak, stunned to absolute silence as Marco hopped off his bed and scrambled for his bag. “Sorry! Sorry, sorry. I’ll go. I’ll just-.” Before he could exit the room, Joshua’s mom stepped in, a little tray of peeled and sliced oranges in her hands.

         “Hope you two are hungry, because I brought-.” Her smile immediately fell when she saw the distressed boys before her. Joshua immediately turned his entire body from his mother. “Is everything okay?”

         “Yeah.” Looking like a deer caught in headlights, Marco said. “I’m sorry, Mrs. Hong. I need to go. Thank you for having me.”

         “O…okay.” Mrs. Hong watched the teen head out the door. “Come back soon, okay?” She turned to Joshua, staring at his back. “Honey? You okay?”

         “Yeah.” Joshua coughed out, sitting up right. “Perfect, Mom.”

         Marco stopped talking to Joshua outside of class after that, which hurt him more than he expected.

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         “It’s because you’re gay, isn’t it?” Krystal and Joshua were sitting outside during the last week of school that year, one of their preferred dates once the weather got nicer. 

         Joshua almost choked on his soda, eyes widening at the girl across from him. “W-what? No!”

         Krystal smiled a bit. “Really?”

         “Really.”

         “Then why are we breaking up? You know I’ll see you at camp all summer, right?”

         “I just-.” Joshua paused. “I just don’t want to date this summer. It’s nothing against you.”

         Krystal nodded, still unable to hide the smile on her lips. It made Joshua feel like he was being interrogated at the police department.

         “Joshua, hun.” Krystal leaned forward on her elbows. “It’s okay if you’re into guys, you know that right?”

         “I’m not.” Joshua said.

         “I see how you look at Marco.” Hearing the name made Joshua’s heart feel as if it had fully stopped beating, the expression on his face only making Krystal’s grin widen. “See? Told you. You’re down bad for him.”

         “I am not!” Joshua slammed his hands on the table. The force of the wood shaking made Krystal sit upright. Joshua immediately rubbed his hands together, the stinging traveling up to his elbows. “Stop….”

         “I’m sorry.” She said softly. A pause before she stood up. “Either way, no hard feelings.” she smiled. “I’ll see you at camp. We’ll have another fun year. Okay?”

         “Okay…” Joshua said as she left the picnic table, leaving him alone with two stinging, red hands and a set of tears threatening to escape his eyes.

         He told his mother that he and Krystal broke up that night over dinner, and she was just as devastated as she was with Megan, if not more.

         “She was such a nice girl, too.”

         “I know.” Joshua pushed the rice in his bowl. His mother leaned across the table, gently smoothing out her son’s hair. He smiled up at her, almost leaning into the gentle touch.

         “I’m so sorry, honey.” She cooed gently.

         “Don’t worry, Mom. I’ll be okay.” He assured.

         “It’s okay to be a bit upset about it, Josh.” His father grinned behind the rim of his soju glass. 

         “I know.”

         “Don’t worry, Joshua.” His mother said gently. “You’ll find a nice girl one day. She’s out there somewhere.” Joshua gripped the chopsticks in his hands. He felt like his lips were on fire, the feeling of being kissed by someone as beautiful and as kind as Marco Rizzo still haunting him months later. 

         He shoved the next bite of rice in his mouth so he didn’t have to say ‘Yes, Mom’ this time. He just might start crying if he had to utter yet another lie at the dinner table.

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         Joshua spent the rest of his junior year similarly to how he spent the prior two; dating girls in short periods in the hopes of ignoring the intense feelings he had for the new boy that walked into his life. This year, it was senior Christian Jones, one of the track and field members. A known gym rat whose locker ended up being right next to Joshua’s in gym class that year. Nothing exciting came of that because he was dating Tiffany, a beautiful senior and lead singer in the school choir. Joshua could only watch from afar until his feelings fizzled out at junior prom. That was the easiest of all four years. 

Senior year it was Kyle Davis, who sat next to him in Study Hall. He always offered Joshua a piece of gum and said his eyes were really pretty. Kyle had jet-black hair, cut short just like he did, and striking blue eyes that Joshua thought about long after the duo parted each day for class. He was also open about being gay. Throughout the year, Joshua found comfort in Kyle that went beyond simple attraction, but infatuation with Kyle and everything about him. During Study Hall, Kyle would talk to him about the latest episode of this show, RuPaul’s Drag Race, beaming each week during the fifth season’s run when Jinx Monsoon slayed, and crying when Ivy Winters was eliminated. Joshua had no idea what he was talking about, but he would listen to Kyle count sheep hopping over a fence if it meant he could stare at those beautiful blue eyes for another few minutes. 

Being himself around Kyle Davis never felt forced or scary. It felt good. There were no expectations with him, only moments. Joshua spent nights at his house binging all past seasons of RuPaul’s Drag Race, admiring the confidence the contestants had in themselves and their sexuality. Because of their friendship, Joshua rekindled with Marco, the group becoming a close knit trio. 

Kyle never asked if Joshua was gay, but it felt like he knew. The way he so subtly pointed out handsome men in the crowd when they people watched at the park, the way he always kept a close seat, yet never crossed any boundaries. He dubbed himself the “Gay Yoda”, a guru that Joshua felt safe with. 

Joshua loved his parents, and his church, and his friends, but the love that bubbled in his chest for Kyle was one that was vastly different. It was beautiful, it was the one thing about the entire journey that Joshua felt was perfect.

         “Are you going to prom?” Kyle asked, passing over his gum pack. Joshua leaned forward and took one. “I mean, I figured you probably will, right? You’re practically guaranteed Prom King.” 

         Joshua snorted as he popped the gum into his mouth. “Am not.”

         “Hong: Humble and Handsome.” Kyle cooed. “That’ll be on your tombstone, bestie~.” Joshua rolled his eyes as he typed away at his computer. “But seriously, are you going?”  

         “Are you?”

         “Uh, duh. I have the cutest maroon tuxedo that I got on sale, and the world needs to see me in it before I die.” Joshua chuckled, nodding his head. “I’m only asking because we should go together.” Joshua’s fingers stopped typing as he looked up at Kyle, who only smiled wider. “Don’t worry, it’s not a promposal or anything. I wouldn’t be that dramatic.”

         “Yes, you totally would.” Joshua corrected. Going to prom with Kyle would be a beautiful nightmare, one he wanted to agree to so badly because he wanted to give him a corsage and flowers and tell him Kyle looked beautiful in the maroon suit because he knew it was going to be true.

         “I’m saying we should go as friends. Who are you taking?” Joshua shrugged.

         “No idea.”

         “What about Krystal? Don’t you still talk to her?”

         Joshua had told Kyle about his high school girlfriends and how they all managed to end one way or another. Krystal and Joshua had stayed pretty good friends at church camp even after their break-up. “She’s a freshman in college. Why would she want to go to some senior prom?”

         “Because she won’t expect anything from you.” Joshua didn’t have time to respond before the bell rang, and Kyle waved him off before heading to his next class.

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         It was already 4am the next morning, but Joshua wasn’t studying. Finals had come and gone, and he had secured, to the ever-growing praise of his parents and friends, the spot as valedictorian for the graduating class of 2014. With a full ride to college in his back pocket, for the first time in his school career, he could relax.

         Well, he thought he could. But contrary to the ever-prevalent ‘perfect’, ‘relax’ seems to be the one word that never stayed in his mental dictionary. Tucked away in the corner of his closet, hands gripping the shiny, new iPhone he was given for graduation, Joshua was frantic. His parents had long since turned in, leaving him to sob via FaceTime to the one person he knew he could rely on: Yoon Jeonghan. Being midday in Korea, Joshua always knew he was a safe bet when he needed someone to talk to late at night. 

         “Jeonghan, what am I going to do?” he sobbed, resting his head against the wall. “I can’t do this anymore, I just can’t.”

         “Joshuji, relax.” Jeonghan soothed gently. They had been on the phone for forty-five minutes already as he listened to his friend’s troubles. “Why don’t you just go with him and say it’s a friend’s thing?”

         “My parents want me to take a girl. They’ll be so disappointed if their only son doesn’t go to his last prom of high school without a date! Everyone thinks I’m going to ask a girl! If I don’t, I’m basically wearing a sign around my neck saying ‘I’m into guys, I’ve fooled you all!’”

         “As long as it matches the suit, I think it’ll be okay.” Jeonghan teased.

         “You’re not helping!” Joshua sobbed, his head falling into his knees. “I can’t do it anymore; I just can’t handle this anymore. Any of it…I want this to be over.”

         “School?”

         “Everything.” He sniffled. “I want everything to be over. I can’t be around to disappoint anyone if I’m not around at all.”

         “Hong Jisoo!” The sound of his Korean name made him lift his head up to see Jeonghan glaring at him. “Don’t talk like that! Do you know how many lives would be different if you weren’t in them at this very moment?! Your parents, Kyle’s, Johnny’s, mine?”

         The duo sat in silence because Joshua didn’t know what else to say. It was a long, painful silence. Finally, Joshua choked up. “I’m so hopelessly in love with him and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m terrified….”

         “I know.” Jeonghan said. “Just think, the year will be over soon and you’ll be on a flight to see me for the summer. We will have the best summer ever! Then, when you are ready to go back for college, we can figure out your feelings together, okay?”

         “Okay.” Joshua hummed. Eventually ending the call with a reassuring sendoff, Joshua let silence overtake him. He leaned against his perfectly organized church clothes for another long minute and let out a defeated sign. The sun was already rising, bleeding in through the window, as he pulled out his phone to text Krystal, asking her to be his date to the senior prom.

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         Prom pictures included himself, Krystal, Johnny, his date, and Kyle posing all over Joshua’s large house. Their parents made it a whole thing, Joshua’s mother crying at how handsome he looked. How perfect he looked and what a respectable young man he had grown up to be. Joshua felt nauseous the entire time, keeping his gaze anywhere but in Kyle’s direction because he knew if he stared too long, his mother would snap a picture where he had hearts in his eyes.

         Krystal’s popularity in high school meant she had more than enough friends in the senior class to mingle with, Joshua not minding one bit. Most of the night was great, chatting up friends, taking photos and dancing. This was the last time for them to let loose like this in school. After this year, everyone was going to travel their own paths, breaking apart as they discovered what they wanted to do with the rest of their lives.

Joshua’s path had been predetermined since before he knew the word ‘perfect’; go to college with an academic scholarship, excel in both grades and extracurriculars, and graduate top of his class with a job offer in any school district he wanted. It was easy, it was predictable, it was safe. 

         When Kyle pulled him to the dance floor as ‘Let Me Love You’ by Ne-Yo blasted on the dance floor, Joshua knew that there was a massive wrench thrown in his plans. He had spent the past 4 years trying so hard to ignore said wrench, to allow for his carefully crafted plans to play out without issue. However, each time he tried to bury the wrench and forget it existed, it would unearth itself and  barrel back into view like a vicious boomerang. 

         By the end of the night, Joshua was standing outside the venue, getting some much needed air after being bombarded by friends congratulating him for his expected – and according to Krystal, deserved - Prom King win. He only got to enjoy the quiet for a few minutes before Kyle appeared behind him.

         “Hey, King.” He smirked. “Did I call it or what?”

         “Yeah, yeah. You probably rigged the vote.”

         “I may have.” A teasing grin formed on his face. He stood at Joshua’s side and the duo fell into a comfortable silence. Joshua felt his heart pumping in his chest, picking at his fingernails in an attempt to keep his hands, eyes, and mind distracted. Finally, Kyle spoke up. “You know you’ll always be one of my best friends, right?” 

Joshua hummed. “Yeah. You too.” 

Kyle nodded his head. “I want to ask you something kind of personal.” Joshua’s hands paused their skin picking and he looked over. “...I never wanted to ask, because you always looked nervous about it, but…” blue eyes that sparkled even brighter under the stars fell in his direction. “Joshua, are you gay?”

         Joshua looked back at him. He licked his lips. “N-.” A deep breath. “I don’t know…I think so.”

         “How long have you ‘thought so’?” 

“Probably freshman year…”

Kyle smiled, almost sadly, Joshua noticed. “It was a lot for me to come to terms with, too. There’s a lot of things you need to think about. I was terrified to tell my parents.” 

         “Your parents are cool, though.” Joshua looked down at his fingers again. Another moment of silence, before Kyle stepped closer to Joshua. He finally looked back up, noticing the distance between them get smaller. “…Why are you looking at me like that?” He asked softly.

         Kyle shrugged. “I know I said it was hard for me to come to terms with but I’m happier now than I was when I was 13, sneaking around at school and telling my grandma at Thanksgiving that I had a girlfriend from Canada or something.” Joshua chuckled a bit under his breath. “Everyone has their own experience. You’ll find out how you fit into everything at your own pace.”

         “I wish it was that easy…” he said softly. Kyle poked his cheek, and when Joshua turned his head to look at him, he asked:

“Can I kiss you?” Joshua paused for only a second. “I’ve always tried to find the perfect time to ask so…” Joshua smiled, giving a nod of his head. 

“Okay…” With a beaming grin, Kyle leaned in and planted one very quick kiss on his lips. Joshua felt him pull back, but he didn’t get far before Joshua grabbed him by the tie of his suit and eyed him up and down. “That suit really does look good on you.” He said. Kyle grinned as he quickly leaned into another kiss. Things were finally looking up just a bit. 

       The summer after, while Joshua was in South Korea, Kyle moved across the country for college. The duo still kept in touch over the phone and on social media. Kyle is still saved in Joshua’s phone as ‘Your Gay Yoda’, and Joshua will dare not change it for as long as he lives and breathes on this earth. But their relationship never really went farther than catching up during the summer when Kyle returned home, and Joshua had to tell himself that it was perfect, whether he liked it or not.

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         Joshua attended college two hours away from home, hoping the distance between himself and his parents would help ease some of his worries. It did; sort of. He could stare at other men who had yet to know him and offer a few attempts at flirting without worrying that it would get to his mom through the church book club. He managed to room with the one person he knew from high school, but he was out so often chasing girls and going to parties that Joshua basically roomed alone. That was fine by him.

         College, at first, was uneventful. Late-night study sessions at the library, working weekends at a tutoring center for children off campus, and attending tons of school events. One, in particular, made his entire world flip upside down. When he attended a mid-semester fall festival and met the very handsome Liberal Arts major that was Kim Taehyung.

         How does one describe Kim Taehyung? Kim Taehyung has a boxy smile, beautiful skin, and a deep voice that makes Joshua tremble every time he hears it. The duo became fast friends, and Joshua developed feelings even faster. However, he kept them tucked away in the farthest part of his brain. Taehyung was the first real friend he made on campus, and he had no intention of letting feelings come between them. They also shared the same birthday, down to the year and date. When Joshua and Taehyung found this out, Taehyung was tickled about finding his ‘hot birthday twin’. The word ‘hot’ seared itself into Joshua’s skull, but he only laughed along. 

When December 30th finally rolled around, and Taehyung suggested that they celebrate properly, Joshua didn’t need to read too deep into the lustful gaze Taehyung gave him from the other side of the dorm room, or the way his voice practically growled into the words. He knew exactly what was being offered. 

         His 19th birthday was, without question, the best one of his life. Even though he may have cried about it when all was said and done.

         All of Joshua’s previous notions about sex being “sacred” and “only for after marriage” went out the window at the first promise of freedom and self-expression. Joshua and Taehyung managed a ‘friends with benefits’ relationship through the first two years of college. Joshua would take girls home to his parents, but always return to Taehyung’s dorm the second he got back to campus. The only time he didn’t see Taehyung was during midterms and finals because he locked himself into his room much as he always did, forgoing sleep, food, and even sex. If he was going to disappoint his parents in the shadows, he had to make them proud in the daylight. But when exams were over, and Joshua finally allowed himself to breathe, he found himself running off with Taehyung, somewhere that they could be alone. 

         But over time, it wasn’t just Taehyung. It was anyone he could get his hands on. At college parties, Joshua found someone new to sneak back into his dorm. Late nights were no longer filled with blurs of textbooks, but blurs of faces Joshua couldn’t remember when he woke up the next morning. He would lie in his bed, listening to the clock tick away painfully slow before he forced himself out of bed, packed foundation under his eyes, downed a cup of coffee and an Ibuprofen – two depending on how the night went – and made his way out of the dorm with a smile plastered on his face. He was good at the double life. It was easy, it felt almost natural.

         It was painful. Every day felt like he was running, looking over his shoulder in fear of being caught. He needed to get far enough away from LA, from the crushing weight of his parent’s eyes. Even with two hours of distance, it took one car ride and they’d be at his door, and who knows what they’d see. Joshua couldn’t handle it. He needed to get farther.

         He needed to hop on a plane.

⚔🦌⚔🦌⚔🦌⚔🦌⚔(im)perfect🦌⚔🦌⚔🦌⚔🦌⚔🦌

         Joshua moved to Korea the summer before his junior year started. Inspired by one of his family’s yearly trips to South Korea, where he spent a few days teaching eager six-year-olds how to say “My name is” in English. He left that trip knowing exactly what he wanted to do.

In a new space, Joshua needed time to adjust. He settled into Jeonghan’s apartment and began attending school, keeping his head low the first year, managing his good grades the only way he knew how: Ibuprofen and coffee. His reputation as the overachieving newbie snagged him a job as TA for Professor Moon his senior year. The bar of expectation was one Joshua could meet easily, even if he had to stay up for three straight nights practicing his high jump. In Korea, he felt free from the watchful eye of his parents, far enough away to figure things out for himself without worrying about bringing anyone home and putting on any shows. Things were finally starting to feel normal once again. 

         Then Lee Seokmin was seen staring at him in front of the quad in the fall of his senior year.

         Joshua caught the awkward brunette staring at him while he was ending a phone call with his mother, watching him full sprint back inside when they made eye contact. The nameless individual disappeared within the crowd of students before he could even step back inside. There wasn’t enough time to go searching for him now, despite how curious he was. Chalking it up to a cute encounter, Joshua made his way towards his next class.

         That wasn’t the last time Joshua had seen Lee Seokmin, in fact, the encounters only doubled. He was friends with students in the classes he worked for, and lived a few blocks away from his most frequented convenience store. Very few art pieces in all of the museums Joshua has been to in his life compared to the side profile of this brunette on campus. Joshua felt the breath hitch in his throat when Seokmin opened his mouth to talk, fumbling over his words when realizing he bought the last of the chicken ramen in the store. He felt fireworks going off in his entire body whenever Seokmin took his hand, the feeling remaining even after the both of them parted. 

         Lee Seokmin drove Joshua’s mind into a frenzy. He didn’t realize how hard someone could fall for another person after only meeting them a handful of times, but he couldn’t get Seokmin out of his mind. Sentences in his textbooks melted into questions Seokmin asked him that day, that toothy grin etched so deeply into his brain that even the toughest of diagrams couldn’t break through. Joshua had to hold himself back from doodling the guy’s name on someone’s essay! When Joshua heard Seokmin laugh, it felt like a sin not to smile back because he was just so damn beautiful and contagious. Joshua wanted to be around Seokmin all the time. 

         So, when he offered to help prepare Seokmin’s lines for the auditions, he meant it. It came with a problem, however. How would move his busy midterm study schedule to accommodate a few hours of freedom? He eyed his calendar for any little spot, any opening that he could squeeze Seokmin into because he wanted to see him so badly. Guess I’ll start my all-nighter’s a bit earlier this term.

         “Sunday evening. I can hang out Sunday evening, I’ll make it work.”

         Seokmin looked shocked, but a glimmer of excitement in his eyes was enough to cement the offer. “Are you sure?”

         “As long as it’s not too late, yes, I’m sure.” And it was set.

         The night before seeing Seokmin, Joshua stayed up the entire time, working to make sure he wouldn’t fall behind in his work for Professor Moon or in his classes. From 10 p.m. to 10 a.m., he lived on coffee and adrenaline much as he always did, a tissue discarded from the nosebleed he had to tend to from 2-2:30. No big deal, just another obstacle.

         At 5 that morning, however, after sending a confirmation text to Seokmin, Joshua sat on the couch to relax and didn’t remember anything else. The next thing he remembered was Jeonghan shaking him awake, eyebrows furrowed in annoyance. Joshua’s eyes snapped open and he sat up.

         “What time is it?” he gasped, eyes still glazed over as he woke up.

         “5,” Jeonghan said. “Didn’t you have somewhere to be?” Joshua’s paled.

         “Oh, fuck.” Hopping off the couch, Joshua hurried into his room to throw on the first few things he could find in his closet and took off out the door. Seokmin forgave him that time, he was lucky. But it didn’t stop there. Joshua was going to head to Seokmin’s audition when Professor Moon pulled him aside, asking him to get a head start on creating a test for the next unit. Joshua was able to create a fleshed-out and comprehensive test in under an hour. Not a problem, right?

         Joshua sat down in the back of the lecture hall to get to work, and he didn’t remember anything else. All he remembers is blinking a few extra times and realizing he was still sitting in front of the computer. While the test was finished, auditions had already been going on for about an hour. Joshua found himself racing across campus, head pounding from the intense stare he must have given the screen. But he was still too late.

         Joshua was unable to be the perfect anything to Seokmin. He could only play the part so much, gentle smiles and warm embraces to keep Seokmin at his side. But in reality, he was floundering and he didn’t know what to do about it. It would only be a matter of time before Seokmin was the one to call him out on his facade. He would rip the perfect mask off, stomp it under his heel, and storm away, leaving Joshua alone and imperfect.

         Despite this, however, Seokmin still stayed by Joshua’s side. He still smiled when Joshua complimented him, and he still blushed when the duo bumped elbows. It was perfect, he was perfect. Joshua almost envied how perfect Lee Seokmin was. It hurt Joshua even more knowing he caused Seokmin so much pain in only a few months.

         Seokmin had just come to see Joshua during one of his discussions, shy but smiling just as he always was. Joshua’s heart was in a vice grip. He’d popped an Ibuprofen to hopefully soothe the throbbing in his brain. Seeing the smile he’d grown to adore fall from Seokmin’s face, hurt worse than any headache he’d ever experienced. 

In hopes of soothing his brain, Joshua had convinced Jeonghan to sit and make bracelets together with him. They’d been at it for an hour, and so far, no luck, his mind still racing with a million and one thoughts.  They worked in silence for a long time, before Joshua finally paused his work on the bracelet. “He’s too good for me, Jeonghan. I don’t deserve him.”

Jeonghan was silent for a long time, stringing a few random colors onto the cord in his grip. He turned to Joshua and said: “Joshua, that’s not true.” Eyes softening, Jeonghan shifted in his seat and looked at the younger of the two. “We’re at that point in our lives where relationships are going to get harder. Being in a relationship is supposed to make life enjoyable, not painful. You need balance.” When Joshua didn’t reply, Jeonghan continued: “But you won’t get balance, in a relationship or anything, if you keep this whole studying nonsense up while trying to manage a relationship.”

Joshua glanced over. “I….” He sighed. “I know.” 

Jeonghan leaned forward. “Where do you see yourself in the future?”

The question left him speechless. He was no longer standing on the same race track he had in the past. Joshua could push all he wanted, but the finish line in this long and painful race was no longer in his sights. “Teaching.” That was all he could say. “Like I’ve always planned.” 

“Not with Seokmin?” 

“That too.” he added. “I would hope…” 

Jeonghan hummed. “Well, when I look at you, I see a really successful teacher. One who changes lives and makes an impact.” Joshua smiled a bit. “Want to know what I don’t see?” He scooted closer, plucking the bead from his friend's fingers, only to use it on his own. Joshua pouted. “I don’t see someone whose path in life will crumble at his feet just because of a point or two off a test, or a missing homework assignment. But you don’t let yourself have that break, that’s why you’re at this crossroads with Seokmin. You want to be perfect in to many areas. You need that balance, need to discard some of the burden.”

Joshua felt his eyes sting; with a sigh, he leaned back against the chair. “Jeonghan…” his voice was trembling.  “It sounds so easy when you say it that way…I wish I could say it that easily…”

Jeonghan hummed. “Let me do it for now, then…I’ll carry that burden until it isn’t a burden anymore.” Jeonghan offered. “And if I’m not around to say it, then Seokmin will take my place, no question. He wants to be in your life. I can see how much he means to you. And I can see how much you mean to him. He’s crazy about you, Joshua….”

“You think?” Joshua asked, feeling the cracks in his heart mend just a bit. Jeonghan smiled. 

“But before you can handle any of that, you need to take a good look at yourself and decide what you need to have in your life to be happy.” He nestled himself up to Joshua and flashed a playful grin. “I’ll get you started. Number one: me. You’re stuck with me forever.” Joshua, for the first time since sitting down to make the bracelets, felt his nose crinkle and a genuine laugh escape his lips. 

         After his talk with Jeonghan, Joshua was trying to focus on his studies, on his discussions, on himself, but he couldn’t. The entire time he was thinking of Seokmin, of just how upset he must feel. Most of his late nights were spent just staring at his screen, eyes bloodshot and strained. He could barely close his eyes without his head falling heavy onto the desk, the contact of his skull and the wood snapping him awake for another few hours. It went on for weeks; he stayed home from school because it felt as if his body was glued to his desk chair. If he was going to be a disappointment to Seokmin in the shadows, he needed to be a respectable student in the daylight. There needed to be some gain if he was at risk of losing so much. 

         The day Seokmin visited, Joshua could barely feel the things around him. His fingers could barely type, and his eyes could barely focus. Coffee wasn’t enough, and he had only managed to sleep for an hour before his body woke up in a cold sweat and a panic. However, when Seokmin was staring at him through his door frame, Joshua felt a light switch in his body trying desperately to flick on. He tried to look presentable for him, to smile for him, and listen to whatever it was he came over to say. He could barely register any string of words, but he knew he wanted to hear it. A few Ibuprofens and a vocalized plea for them to kill him were just enough to keep him grounded so Seokmin could speak.       

         He didn’t expect the nosebleed, however. Or to stagger into the bathroom and stare at his reflection. He didn’t expect to see two of himself in the bathroom mirror, or for his legs to buckle when he tried to turn back around and head into the living room. He also didn’t expect to fall over and for everything to turn dark for a few minutes. But at least he was finally able to sleep.

The only thing he remembers is opening his eyes just barely, feeling something cold on his forehead. His eyes were blurry, and the ringing in his ears made it feel as though they would burst any moment. He could hear very faint speaking, but he could barely make out who was sitting beside him. It felt like he was looking through a kaleidoscope. 

         “Hit his head….yes….it’s unlocked….he has a…..and a….okay…. hurry.”

         And he doesn’t remember much else.

⚔🦌⚔🦌⚔🦌⚔🦌⚔(im)perfect🦌⚔🦌⚔🦌⚔🦌⚔🦌

         It felt as if someone was pounding a hammer in Joshua’s skull, right between the eyes. He groaned, unsuccessful at squeezing the throbbing sensation out through his ears. As his body began waking up, he felt a sting in his arm. His head lolled to the side, where he saw a large tube leading up to an IV bag. When he opened his mouth, it was incredibly dry, and he wasn’t able to speak until he licked his lips and swallowed a few times.

         Joshua sat up in bed, looking down at the needle in his arm connected to the IV. His eyes scanned the room he was in, a single-person hospital room. The sun was barely poking from behind the skyscrapers that surrounded them, spilling into the little couch on the other end of the room. When his hand went up to his head, he felt something soft. Turning to the nearest mirror, a large white bandage was wrapped around his forehead. His nose wasn’t bleeding anymore. That’s a plus. “What the hell happened?”

         Shifting in bed was harder to do than expected; the throbbing in his head felt as if the hammer had been replaced with a chainsaw. Great. Just perfect. He thought to himself. Searching for a call button led Joshua’s eyes to land on something else, something that made his breath hitch and his brain start rewinding the tapes in his head of how he ended up here.

         On the other side of his bed, closer to the skyline view, Seokmin had his head resting on the bed. His eyes were closed tight as if to fight back against whatever nightmare was plaguing him. Joshua immediately leaned forward and pressed a hand gently into Seokmin’s hair. Fingers threaded gently among Seokmin’s locks, and within minutes, the twisted, pained look on Seokmin’s face began to soften. He finally began sleeping with a content look etched into each one of his perfect features. Joshua smiled a bit.

         It was still early; a nurse wouldn’t come to the room for another few hours. So, Joshua passed the time in silence, his hand tangled in Seokmin’s soft locks long after he had found peace in his dreams.

         Joshua Hong, the man whose name was always melded within ‘perfect’ to the point he thought they were the same word, had a thought cross his mind.

         Joshua spent his entire life trying to embody the word ‘perfect’, while Lee Seokmin filled the role naturally. Joshua wanted to be jealous, but as he looked at the sleeping man at his bedside, he could only hope that the word hadn’t wormed its way into Seokmin’s life and forced him to maintain such high expectations, as it did for Joshua. He wanted better for Seokmin.

Seokmin was like an open book, one Joshua wanted to keep reading over and over again, keeping note of each of his favorite parts to reference back to later. He wanted to find all of Seokmin’s deeper meanings and his ideals. Cover to cover, Joshua wanted to understand the entire story that was Lee Seokmin.

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[fr-wiwiw]

15 questions, 15 people

I was tagged by @lienwyn! it's been ages but i have time to do this one now! Thank you for the tag dear ✨

1. Are you named after anyone?

I'm not. My mom's eldest brother gave me my name collaboratively with my parents. It was supposed to be something different like great figure from my country but it felt like a huge responsibility, so they changed it thank God for that lol

2. When was the last time you cried?

Just today. I wouldn't say full on crying, just a minute or less type of crying when you feel overwhelmed by something or when your brain decides to rewind a certain event in your head.

3. Do you have kids?

No but I have a baby turtle that I love <3

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot?

Sometimes yea when I'm having certain conversations with my group of friends or when we're playing online games and if there's a current event (ex: politic figure doing something foolish), it will jump out if i'm flabbergasted once or twice.

5. What's the first thing you notice about people?

Hmm.. depends. But my eyes would scan them up and down- and I realized that can come off as eyeing them like i'm some kind of arrogant person. I'm sorry to these people, I never meant to come off like that. But i like observing creatures and I draw too, so I tend to see them as a whole or if they behave and talk in certain ways and tone. I just notice things

6. What's your eye colour?

Dark brown almost black if there's no lighting. Typical asian eye color

7. Scary movie or happy ending?

Happy ending. I cannot watch scary movies bcs of my strong visualization and imagination. I can visualize almost anything from my memory and imagine them do anything next to me right here right now. It's... uncomfortable especially when my brain decides to scare me when I see dark places. it's the downside of being an artist

8. Any special talents?

So far.. I'm good at art related things. I want to try my hands on sculpting, painting in canvas, diorama, play more music instruments as a hobby and many more. But I don't have the time and money, hopefully in the future. I just love being involved in my curiosity and see what I can make out of it xD

I'm also good at reading people and situations. I'm a big empath too which comes in handy when I imagine or write. Or connect to people. I'm people's go to listener usually hahah but I create some more boundaries for this. It drains me because I feel deeply.

9. Where were you born?

Indonesia.

10. What are your hobbies?

Uh.. drawing, reading, playing video games, writing, listening to music, sing, eat out and take walks in mall or just strolling through shop marts.

11. Do you have pets?

Yes. I once had 2 red eared slider turtles for 11 years. Then 2 mini pomeranian, and another baby read eared slider turtle which sadly didn't make it for only a month. But my friend gave me another baby turtle, she's always ravenous and lively ^^ so cute.

12. What sports do you/have you played?

Oh man.. I played a lotta sports I even got a tan back then lol. Futsal (indoor soccer), soccer, kasti (kinda like softball / baseball), swimming, running, basketball, badminton. Would love to try snowboarding tho ngl it looks fun but I heard it's damn expensive. And horse riding. The only sport I play now is playing console games😂 would love to be active at sports again in the future

13. How tall are you?

156cm (5'11)

14. Favourite subject in high school?

English and art (but depends on the teacher)

15. Dream job?

Right now? A freelance or full time artist with stable income or good amount of followers to pay off my day to day living without a worry. I am a freelance artist, just not financially stable yet. Hope I can get there

I'm so late to this particular tag game so I apologize if any of you have been tagged before. @gaylilsherlock @uhhhhmanda @gayautisticraccoon @briwates @technitango @kdramastrix

[waitmyturtles]

Oh my EFF, where DO I START. Moonlight Chicken, episode 7 thoughts and impressions. But first, a question for the family:

Did any of you notice the filming style slightly change during the condo/living room scene with Jim and Wen (after Jim put on the chicken shirt), and the second scene with Jam and Li Ming, when they’re eating the ginger stir-fry? In both scenes, I noticed that the camera pans were a bit more fast/jerky between characters, and that Jim and Jam (#jimjam) were filmed from the chest up. I wish I knew more about cinematography, but it seemed to me that the other shots throughout the show were wider and taller. I don’t know if this means anything to anyone, but if it does, I would love to hear thoughts on it. I feel like the shooting style gave those scenes some kind of different old-school flavor. 

1) JUST GAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH WHY IS THIS SHOW SO GOOD. Sorry for the yelling, but now I know, I KNOW, full-bodied, there is no way one post is enough for each of these episodes, so just expect a whole freaking unspooling over the weekend. ANYWAY. I’ll try to organize the quick thoughts first, then the deep thoughts.

2) Just get First and Khao together again already! They can’t help their chemistry to be ridiculously great. AND HOW GOOD IS FIRST. HOW GOOD IS HE. Just knowing when to fume just slightly, when to pull back for the sake of a scene. AND HOW GOOD IS KHAOTUNG. God. His crying! It took me OUT. Tears over here, streaming tears.

3) Speaking of hearts aching, I cried not only during the funeral scene because of Khao, but because I love this now-repeating motif that Aof uses of bringing a song that’s sung in the show as music for the background of the show, à la Bad Buddy. To think of every step of art to weave into a drama to keep you fully connected -- it’s really beautiful to me.

4) Mark/Leng with his UCLA jacket, what up, Cali, cute cute. (By the way, I’m missing View/Praew. She was incredible in 10 Years Ticket, and I think she could have lent her brilliance to MC. I’m going to add The Shipper to my list for First/Ohm/View.)

5) The continued motif of showing the cast participating in time-honored spiritual rituals. As sad as it sounds, I love funeral scenes and the way a temple brings together a community. Even Wen working at the temple -- it’s very real (at least at the Indian/Asian funerals I saw as a kid) to basically have a lot of the funeral feel like a community get-together.

6) Heart joining Li Ming to hand out drinks at the temple just messed me up. It messed me up good. When the young adults automatically help out at events without being told by their parents. It means a lot in Asian societies. 

7) Deeper thoughts. @wen-kexing-apologist hit on this in their BEAUTIFUL POST about the show being centered on parent-child relationships. There’s a lot here in this episode, I may not get to it all. 

Here’s how I’d break it down (and this post by @justafriend-ql covers so much so well):

a) Jam comes back after years of not seeing Li Ming b) Li Ming is OBLIGATED, by UNSPOKEN CULTURAL RULES, to continue to respect her as a parent c) Li Ming, clearly, wants fucking none of it d) Li Ming/Fourth EMANATES distaste for what he’s dealing with  e) Li Ming STILL has to control himself around his mom who moved him aside to live her life f) He has to ALSO DEAL with his uncle, who (yes, hypocritically) (but also hypothetically) asks him why he’s gay g) So Li Ming has to also deal with his uncle’s internalized homophobia and old-fashioned views on gays in society, which may very well arise in part from his upbringing in rural Isaan h) Jim has to also deal with his sister’s guilt over not having been a mom, and her trying to sort of half-heartedly show up (until the last scene with them, which I think was meant as a symbol that there might be healing happening among the three), and i) Jim beginning to see Li Ming for the adult that he is becoming.

@justafriend-ql covered in their two posts about Li Ming the sheer SIMMERING, the shimmering ANGER that Fourth portrayed, and I felt @wen-kexing-apologist​’s  pain in my bones when I watched those scenes.

So much of what I am loving about Aof’s work as I enjoy my ride through his oeuvre is this family dissection -- the microscopic examination of the painful aftereffects of holistic filial piety (COUGH Bad Buddy) -- and I can never say enough how important his family art work is to Asian audiences. When I see these scenes of young adults holding themselves back with every iota of their energy to not JUMP KICK their parents when they’re acting stupid -- man, I feel that so hard. 

Jam coming back and asking for Li Ming is just lame, and we all know it, and Li Ming knows it. And yet, he is BOUND by CULTURAL PRACTICE -- cultural rules that even JIM REFERENCES -- to need to hold back and respect his mother, because that’s what Thai cultural boundaries demand. So I agree with @justafriend-ql that what Fourth radiated was beyond brilliant. As a viewer, I really want to see Li Ming’s gates open and to see him rage, because my inner child wants to rage right along with him.

But that night scene with Jim and Li Ming, man. 

I think this bit of this scene is what ended up helping Jim to relax, and to see Li Ming as an adult. 

I am loving how Jim is written. The constant, CONSTANT pull between old values and new. This scene so beautifully depicted Jim in that balancing struggle. 

Li Ming is just pulling Jim along to the light of the future, as children/young adults do. Li Ming NEEDS his uncle to see HIMSELF (Jim) in Li Ming. And I think that’s what’s happening, in part, in this scene. Jim sees that Li Ming CAN understand how complicated the world is around him. Jim SEES that Li Ming is a CRITICAL THINKER.

Jim has been a solo parent for so long. He’s worried about his kid. They’re poor. His kid’s gay. Jim’s worried about his kid being poor and gay. Jim expresses it, at first, in an old-fashioned, shouting, angry way. Jim accidentally outs Li Ming to Jam.

And then. The two guys -- the guys -- sit with each other, rest and wash in the process of mourning an important member in the community. Jim tries to hear Li Ming at Li Ming’s level. And Jim finds that he can hear. 

And maybe, even, Jim is beginning to learn that he can transcend those old-fashioned values -- those UNSPOKEN CULTURAL RULES that still bind much of Li Ming’s behavior towards his mother -- to be a model for Li Ming, AND TO HIMSELF, to live a hopefully more fulfilling life. (I think that might be what’s happening, in part, with the cancellation of the diner’s lease at the end of the episode -- but the preview for the finale has me wondering if I’m right.)

8) I don’t know how much I have left, but I took these screenshots to also talk about Jim’s internalized homophobia. I think I’ve covered it already in my Li Ming analysis, but come AWN, just look at this SASS BUCKET OVER HERE:

I took these to confirm that Jim was “just being a dad” (ugh) in the moment of him yelling at Li Ming, but I think Jim redeemed himself with that night chat with Li Ming. So I’m just gonna leave these screenshots here BECAUSE COULD WEN/MIX BE ANY MORE SASSY?

I’m already missing these guys. I need Our Skyy 2 REALLY SOON. 

I’m gonna need a lot of sleep tonight to manage tomorrow.

[merrycrisis-if]

first of all, oh my god. i am so in love with this game and i respect you so much for it!! 😭 i can literally feel the love oozing off of every word i read and it reads like a love letter to your heritage and i love that so much!!!! as a SEA person, i’m so happy to see more rep 🌸 congratulations on the game so far!

i am so hyped abt all the qiu content. the way i cried like 5 different times during one playthrough is insane LMAO maybe that’s just me being like a big crybaby but THAT GOODBYE SCENE??? oof. man, that stayed with me for DAYS. i’ve been talking my friends ears off abt it and honestly, no regrets 🥰

i also just wanted to share that while i was reading all the qiu moments, i couldn’t help but think of this one song called “Home” by Reese Lansangan and felt it super, super fit how qiu felt abt mc 😭 and how mc essentially became that one person qiu could just be around. especially these particular lyrics:

But nobody knows / How we go

Oh when we're alone / It's like we're home

My bones are safe / And my heart can rest

Knowing it belongs to you, you

My world is changed / And it's cradled by

The comfort that is you, you…

so yeah. safe to say i teared up a whole lot more after i heard the song loop around in my brain 🥰

(just in case you wanted to hear the song, here it is: https://youtu.be/L2SvzMjATLI 🌸)

Wowww love the song and ESPECIALLY LOVE the lyric video.

Yesss sometimes I like listening to angsty MC x Qiu songs but honestly, you're right!! It's also very healing to think about how—at least in the early days—MC was safe harbor, the calm in the storm, for Qiu. The one person they could go to and all would be right with the world.

Hehe omg the fact that you're talking to your friends about Merry Crisis—that's so cool(!!) and I'm so honored!!

And finally, hello fellow Southeast Asian person! :D

[readingslover]

Chapter 12

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As Cristina and Amory jjogged through the park, forced to do so by Meredith, the first woman stopped to catch her breath. “Oh, you’re stupid, oh god…” As they resumed the jog, she went on. “You’re a stupid, evil sadist and I want to kill you.”

“I’ll help. This is not the hours to do this. Can you go sloer, I have short legs!” The smaller girl managed to get out through her beacy breaths, as she tried to catch up.

“Endorphins are good. Endorphins are mood elevators. This is supposed to make us feel better.” The dirty blonde explained.

“Oh god, do you feel better?” Cristina moaned as they stopped.

“I don’t.” Amory pointed out as she reached her friends, bending over slightly to catch her breath. “There’s a reason I don’t run.”

“I’m stupid.” Meredith admitted.

“Slutty mistress.” The Asian woman insulted, Amory glaring at her.

“Pregnant whore.” The dirty blonde returned.

“Just wait until I’m not too tired to hit you two.” She threatened, still bent over, hands on her knees.

“Sleeping with out bossed was a terrible idea.”

“You know what’s ruined for me? Ferry boats. I used to love ferry boats and Derek has got at hing for ferry boats. Now everytime I see a freaking ferry boat…” Thedorty blonde vented, the short girl laying down on the grass.

“You know what’s ruined for me? Coronary artery by-pass grafts. And aortic aneurysms. God, I used to love aortic aneurysms.” Both her friends flopped down beside her, looking up at the sky.

“Yeah, that”s worse.” Amory shared.

“Have you cried yet?” Meredith questioned as the short girl decided whether she should tell her friends about her new relationship.

“Do you think we’d feel better if we cried? Just like that, let it out?” Cristina wondered.

“You would. It has helped me a lot…” The small girl shared her advice. All of the sudden, she hits both her friends at once and they made a protesting noise. “What? I warned you I would hit you once I wasn’t too tired anymore.”

“God, Amy, that one hurt.”

“You deserved it…” They fell into comfortable silence, until the short girl blurted out. “I’ve been seeing George.”

“You… what?” Meredith almost yelled.

“I’ve been seeing George. For a couple of weeks now.” She looked from the sky to her friends to see their reaction.

“God, you could have waited some more timed, Amy.” The dirty blonde let out, making the girl furrow her brows in confusion.

“Ha! You owe me twenty, pay uo.” Cristina laughed in victory.

“She… what? Why does she owe you money?” The girl shook her head in confusion, but already guessing why in her head.

“I bet you two would get together by this week, Mer though it’d take longer. Now I got some money for free.” The Asian woman explained with a smile.

“You did nt!” She hit both her friends again. “Crisitna yan!” She hit the girl to her left an turned to her right. “Meredith Grey!” She smacked the dirty blonde. Now hitting both of them at once to accentuate her words, she kept going. “We do not…” And again. “Bet…” And again. “On our friends…” And another one, as the women tried to get up. “Love life!!” She got another smack in before they started running from her.

“I’m not so tired anymore.” Cristina sprinted along with Meredith, leaving the small girl behind.

~~~~~~

Now in the hospital’s locker room, Amory tells her new boyfriend what had happened, what she found out during her morning run with the other two interns.

“They bet on us, George! Like actually money, on how long we’d take to start seeing each other.” The frustration made the girl’s voice higher in pitch, as she vented.

“Tehy… what? Money? On us?” The boy blurted out, confused, as he tried to comfort Amory through holding her hand.

The girl made an affirmative noise, their attention soon being drawn to the sound of Izzie giggling next to Alex. “What is she doing?” Crisitna asked, certain disgust in her voice.

“She’s… hanging out with Alex.” The male intern pointed out the obvious.

“Why?” The Asian woman questioned.

“I don’t know…” George said.

“Maybe they’re friends?” The shorter girl suggested.

“Make tha lambs stop screaming.” The boy stage-whispered as Meredith tied her shoes, making his girlfriend giggle.

As they left and walked down the hallway, Bailey and Alex in front of them, Izzie explained. “You guys are wrong about him, alright. Once you get to know him he’s really sweet.”

“He’s Alex.” George deadpenned, his hand on the small of Amory’s back.

“Look, he was sweet to me once and the next day he was an ass.” The young intern shared, shrugging. “If he’s actually willing to be decent then fine, if he wants to just switch around like that I’m not putting up with it.”

“Hey, Grey.Izzie was talling me about the tapes of your mom performing surgery.” Said boy turned around and talked loudly. “I’d kill to see the Ellis Grey in action.”

“Hey, you know what, maybe you can come over tonight and we can all watch it together.” The taller blonde suggested. “Right?”

“Oh, yeah, if this were a hell dimension.” Meredith answered, sarcastically.

“Do you have a thing for Alex?” Amory questioned the tall blonde.

“No!” She exclaimed. At her friends reaction, none of them believing her, she repeated. “I don’t.”

“You have a thing for Alex.” The small girl repeated, this time as an affirmation.

“Are we saving lives or having a tea party? Walk faster people.” Their resident reprimanded.

~~~~~~

“I know, I just think you should tell him about the baby.” Meredith told Cristina, as they and Amory followed Dr. Bailey. “He’d at least have the responsibility of having to pay…”

“No! You know what, he’ll never know. It’s over.”

“I actually don’t agree with Cristina, but if she’s terminating the pregnancy what good would it do to tell him?” The short girl shared.

“Exactly, Amy. After the pregnancy is taked care of, Burke won’t even be a blip on my rader, he’ll be a smudge.”

“Right…” Meredith answered, ironically, as Cristina grabbed her by the shoulders.

“You know, Meredith, leave the sarcasm up to me. Really, it doesn’t suit you.”

The three girls now walked to their patient’s room and Amory added. “I get it, you know. Besides, we don’t know where he stand on abortion. It could do more bad than good to tell him.”

“Thanks, Amy.I appreciate it.”

Once they entered the room, Alex is presenting. “Kelly Roche, 23 years old, in for a scheduled ETS for treatment of erythrophobia and hyperpyrexia.”

“Arythrophobia?” Izzie questioned in a hushed tone.

“Blushing.” Cristina and Amory answered in unison, the first one searching the meaning of the word in a book and the second one saying it solely from memory.

“Do you have any doubts about the procedure?” Their resident asked Kelly.

“Doctor…” The girl stopped, her skin flaring up.The short girl moved to get their patient a wet cloth, to help with the blushing, as Kelly flashed her a thankful look. “Dr. Shepherd explained everything. He was very…, huh…, helpful.” Amory put the cloth of the girls face, in attemmpt to make her more comfortable, as she fannced her face. “He gave me some literat… sorry.”

“Don’t be, there’s nothing to be sorry for.” The young intern smiled at her.

“Besides, half the patients that come here have the hots for Shepherd.” Alex joked, trying to get the patient to feel less embarraced.

“Dr.Karev!” Bailey warned, as Amory kept wetting the patient’s face.

“What? It’s true…”

“Okay, Kelly, I think we’ve finished for now. See you later.” The short girl smiled at the patient as they left the room. Meredith and her went to the vending machine and she commented. “I’m so hungry.”

As she was about to get herself some food, their resident called them. “Hey, there’s a new surgical case coming up from the pit. Likely diverticulitis. Let’s go.”

“So much for my food…” The girl ran to the elevator, her friend beside her.

“Get your hand off le! i could report you to the chief and you’d be out on your ass!” They heard a women yelling as they approached. “You’re all amateurs.” Amory froze next to her friend, recognizing the woman in front of her as the dirty blonde’s mother, or at least a deranged version of the woman.

“Patient’s complaining of cramping pain and diarrhoea.” Cristina read the chart and Meredith grabbed her small friend’s arm tightly. “Also suffers from Alzheimer’s.”

“Amateurs!” The woman screamed, her voice cracking.

“Patient’s name?” At the the lach of response, Bailey insisted. “Yang, patient’s name.”

Ellis Grey’s gaze turned to Meredith and the grip on Amory’s arm only grew stronger. “What the hell are you dong here?” The older woman spat out and Meredith turned to leave, dragging Amory with her. “How many times have I told you not to bother me when I’m at work!” Both girls now hid behind a door, the smaller one almost feeling her friend’s hand cutting off her blood supply.

“Ellis Grey.” Cristina answered Bailey.

“Meredith’s mother.” George almost whispered.

“You’re amateurs! You’re amateurs!” The older Grey kept yelling.

~~~~~~

Now in the locker room, Meredith hadn’t let go of her friend’s arm, as their friends talked over each other on the outside, entrance barred by Bailey.

“Dr. Karev, stick with the ETS case. And Alex, her blushing impulse is not a toy for you to play with or a button for you to push, understood?” Bailey instructed her intern.

“Hey, Meredith? My great-grandmother, she died with Alzheimer’s.” Crisitna shouted. The grasp on Amory’s amr wouldn’t give and she knew that she’d get a bruise from it, but wouldn’t dare deny her friend that comfort. As the dirty blonde hadn’t spoken a word, she also assumed she found comfort in the silence, something else she wouldn’t deny her.

“Izzie, the Dr. Shepherds need an interns up in the NICU.” The resident kept going.

“Wait, both of them? Together? And me, by myself, with the two married people who hate each other…”

“Go. Cristina, you’re on the thoracotomy.”

“With Burke? Oh, can I have the hateful married couplde instead…” Crisitna complained.

“Okay, I’m sorry, I thought I was your resident, not your hostess. I assign, you take. Is that a problem?” Bailey reprimanded. “Is there some reason why it’s inconvenient for you to spend the day, in the OR, learning from Dr. Burke?”

“No, I’m very happy to be working with Dr. Burke, thank you very much.” The intern said quickly and she left.

“George, take care of Dr. Grey.”

“Yes, thank you.” The boy huggede the resident, much to her surprise. “She needs a friend right now…” As he tried to go through the door, the woman stopped him. “Oh, you mean, Ellis, the… mother.”

All the interns now gone, Bailey closed the door behind her as she entered the room, Mereidht’s hand still firm on Amory’s arm. “Are you able to work today?”

“Yes, I’m fine.” The taller intern reassured.

“Cause I would understand it if you wanted to be with your…”

“No.My mother and I don’t have the easiest… it’s just better if I’m working.”

“Okay, you’re on scut.” The resident informed.

“Excuse me?”

“While we take care of your mother, you can catch up on charting, run samples to the lab…”

“I told you, I’m fine!” The dirty blonde protested, exasperated.

“And I appreciate that you’re fine, but I have to appreciate a certain level of distraction for you today. Even in the face of all that fineness. So scut, now.”

As Meredith attempted to leave, she dragged the small girl with her once more, who called out. “Mer? You have to let me go first…”

“Oh, sorry.” She loosened her firm grip and left the room, leaving Amory to rub her arm with her nuse scrunched up in pain. “Ouch.”

“She had a firm grip on you there.” The resident joked. “Amory, go save Stevens, I don’t know how she can survive the Shepherds. Besides, Montgomery-Shepherd seems to like working with you.”

“Sure, Dr. Bailey. But, can you please try to keep an eye on Meredith?” The girl asked, worried.

“I will. You knew?”

“I did… for a while now, I did.” The intern reveals, lowering her eyes to the ground.

“You’re a good friend, you know that, Madden? They’re lucky to have you looking after them. I think they’d be even more lost if it wasn’t for you mothering them.” The resident complimented.

“Thank you, Dr. Bailey.” She smiled and left the locker room.

~~~~~~

As both Izzie and Amory watched the premature baby, the Shepherds talked.

“Where’s the mother?” Derek asked.

“Gone. She stuck around long enough to get the kid strung out and then took off. Nice, huh?” The short intern furrowed her eyes in compassion.

“Addison…”

“Derek, I know it’s a long shot. I know that.” The redhead explained, Amory’s eyes still on the baby.

“You told me, you had a newborn with an invasive mass. You failed to mention she was premature, underweight and addicted to narcotics.” The man argued, handing Amory the chart, which she scanned through. “There’s no way this baby can survive spinal surgery.”

“You don’t know that…”

“And if she does? She’s a mess… meningitis, seizures… she’s gonna live a short and painful life.” Derek evaluated.

“You don’t know that!” The woman repeated more assertively.

“It’s my job to know that.”

“You’re not God, Derek.” Amory’s eyes widened and she shared a look with Izzie.

“Excuse me?”

“I’m sorry, honey, but you’re not, you don’t get to decide…” She was immediately cut off by her husband.

“Did you just call me honey? Don’t call me honey.”

“Fine, you’re not God, Dr. Shepherd. If the patient has any chance at survival, which I think she odes, than you have the responsibility to…”

“Don’t talk to me about responsibility.” He darted back.

“You took and oath, Derek.”

“Oh, and don’t you dare talk to me about oaths.”

“Derek, I messed up. People mess up.”

“You slept with my best friend on my favorite sheets.

“The flannel sheets? You hate the flannel sheets.” The interns’ discomfort grew by the second.

“I love the sheets!”

“Can we just stop talking about the sheets?”

“Fine!”

“I, um, I think we’re just going to go check on the labs.” Amory interrupted, eager to get herself out of the room, the tall blonde intern thanking her with a smile.

~~~~~~

As Izzie and Amory came back into the room, chart in hand, thye found Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd looking at the baby, as they grip her finger.

“She’s got a good grip.” Izzie commented.

“Yeah.”

“I don’t… the labs don’t look good.” Amory handed them to the attending.

“She’s got a resistant strain of pneumococcus.” Addison read the chart.

“The antibiotics aren’t working…” The short girl pointed out.

“You might want to get yourself reassigned, Dr. Madden and Dr. Stevens, I don’t think we’l be operating today.” The attending recommended.

“So do you think Dr. Shepherd was right?” The tall blonde asked.

“She’s too far gone…” The redhead admitted, Amory’s eyes filling with compassion. “She does have a good grip.”

“Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd? If you don’t mind I’d like to follow the case until the end.3 The shorter girl asked, and at the woman’s questioning look, she explained. “I don’t like leaving things half done. Besides, this little one could use someone rooting for her, even if only to keep her company as she goes.”

The attending smiled up at the girl, seeing some of herself in her and recognising her potential. “Sure, Madden. you can stay.”

Sometime later, the baby now gripping the intern’s finger, Addison watched her. “You know, Derek was right.”

“I’m sorry, about what?” The girl questioned.

“You’d be good in pediatrics. I’ve been watching you since I arrived to make sure, and it’s true. You’re on of the people at the top of your class, so you don’t lacj the surgical skills, and you have the personality for it. You’re assertive when you need to be, and you seem to care for every single one, without letting it affect you negatively.” The girl smiled and Addison eyed her curiously. “You managed to care for the patients while being able not to get overly attached. In Peds you need to thread a very think line, trying to stay compassionate while not letting the losses brake them. Most are initially on either side of it, they need a lot of practice to get there. That natural balance you seem to be able to keep would make you perfect for it. Same thing for neonatal, I think you’d have a bright future in either of them.”

The intern felt as though she’d just been looked right through and blushed slightly. “Thank you, Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd. I’m awared if I get overly attached it can cloud my judgement, so I try my best to remind myself that we can’t sace every single one. We just have to try our best to do so. And much as I tend to take some losses personally, I’d like to believe I can bounce back from them.” The girl looked down at the baby in front of her, her heart heavy at the situation. “If there’s anything life has thought me so far, it’s that I’m not easily broken.”

Some more time went by, until the resident turned to the intern again. “You should take a break, Amory. Go get something to eat, stretch your legs. I’ll page you if I need anything.”

“Okay, I’ll be back soon.” As the intern flashed the redhead a smile she left the room.

Walking through the hallways, all she could think about was how much her resolve to specialise in Peds has strengthened. She’d always felt inclined to it, but having now heard from two attendings how well she’ll fit in, she knew that is was the right track for her. Her inters in neonatal was also growing, falling for the speciality quickly. However, her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of Bailey’s slightly panicked voice. As she saw Cristina being rolled out of the OR on a bed, she ran up to them.

“Cristina? What happened?” She let out, worry in her voice.

“Her pulse is racing, I need her on a monitor to get a BP.” Bailey spoke up. “I want her started on a liter of LR. Izzie, run ahead to emergency, let them know we’re on the way.”

“Dr. Bailey!” Amory called out and joined the resident, whispering to her. “She’s pregnant. Cristina’s seven weeks pregnant.” 

As Izzie and Bailey enetered the elevator, Bailey changed her game plan. “Okay, no, we’re going to pre-op instead. Amory, find Addison Shepherd and be discreet.”

As the girl ran through the halls, she found Addison walking down the stairs with the Chief and George.

“Dr. Shepherd, I’m sorry, we need you. It’s Cristina, Cristina Yang, she’s collapsed.”

“Cristina’s collapsed?” George asked, worried.

“Why do you need me.” Addison responded, clearly puzzled. At the girl’s expression, she understood. “Oh.”

“Cristina’s pregnant?” The male intern exclaimed, loudly.

“George! Keep it quiet, okay?” She quickly left, running to accompany the attending’s fast pace, as her short legs wouldn’t allow her to walk any faster.

~~~~~~

As they take Crisitna to the OR, Bailey spoke up. “Okay, Amory, you can leave now.”

“Dr. Bailey, can I stay please? Just to keep her company?” As she saw the resident’s mouth open to protest, she went on. “Look, I know she’s unconscious, but I just need to be there for her, okay? I can’t leave her alone… I won’t leave her along. She needs someone to look after her and you said it yourself earlier, I look after all of them. So, please, just let me do it now.” The girl pleaded, her puppy dog eyes coming to play.

“Let her stay, Miranda, it won’t interfere.” Addison backed her up, being fond of the girl.

“Okay, fine, you can stay.” The resident gave up.

Later into the surgery, Amory still by her friend’s side, Izzie speaks up. “She’s gonna be okay, right?”

“How attached was she to this pregnancy?” The attending questioned.

“I don’t know, she’s a pretty private person.” The tall blonde answer, not being particularly close to the woman on the operating table.

“She wasn’t. Attached I mean. She was planning on terminating the pregnancy.” The short blonde informed, her eyes never leaving her friend’s face.

“Okay… she’s lost a lot of blood, but I’ll save her. Dr. Bailey, you must have a surgery or two of your own today?”

Bailey who held the girl’s head answered. “I’m fine right here.”

“Looks like I’m not the only one who mothers them.” Amory smiled up at her resident, appreciating her worry.

~~~~~~

Neither Bailey nor Amory left Cristina’s side through her recovery. The intern held her the entire tome, stroking her heir lightly ever so often. The resident looked over them like a hawk, refusing to let any bad in the world happen to the girl.

Once Crisitna woke up, she looked to her friend, the feeling of her fingertips running through her hair calming her. “Hi there.” She whispered. “You’re back.”

“What happened?” The girl asked, her voice.

“You had en extra uterine pregnancy.” The resident explained and Cristina’s eyes lifted of her friend’s face for the first time. “Your left falopian tube burst. Dr. Shepherd… she did everything she could but there was too much damage. She couldn’t save the tube.”

The injured intern snuggled against her friend slightly, finding comfort in her hold. “Amy?”

“yeah, I’m right here. What do you need?” The girl whispered.

“Can you… hold me? Just until I fall asleep.” She asked, her voice broken.

“Of course.” The girl’s fingers stille ran through her locks. “I’m right here, not going anywhere. I’ve got you. You can relax, I got you.” She whispered in her friend’s ear as she drifted off. Bailey watched both girls like a proud mother, appreciating Amory’s help with taking care of the group.

~~~~~~

As Amory approached the group, after Cristina had fallen asleep, she found Izzie doing the same.

“Hey, did you get your mom’s biopsy results back?” The blonde questioned Meredith.

“Not yet.” George beated Meredith to inform Amory as she sat next to him and they shared a quick kiss.

“Wait, what did I miss?” Izzie questioned, clearly a bit shocked at the scene.

“We’ve been seeing each other for a couple of weeks now.” Amory explained as George smiled at her and gripped her waist.

“How’s Cristina?” Meredith asked her.

“She’s going to be in a lot of pain for a few days, but she’ll be okay.” The short blonde explained.

“I’m glad you were ther, Izzie. Amy arrived later so it could have been much worse.” Meredith explained.

“Are you?” The former model questioned.

“It’s just… it’s just that a lot of the time it feels like you, Cristina and Amy are kind of over ther and I’m… here.” The girl said, a certain sadness in her eyes.

At that, Amory gave her a playful nudge. “You’re welcome to join us ‘over there’ sometimes, if you’d like.”

“So, about Alex.” Meredith went on.

“I know, you guys hate him, fine…”

George groaned at that and Amory spoke up, almost offended. “I don’t hate him! i mean, he’s not my favorite person in the whole world, but if he wants to start being nice then I’m here for it.”

“Well, you don’t hate anyone, Amy.” The boy argued and the short blonde shrugged.

“We do, but I jus wanna say that I believe you.” Mereditf intervented. “He’s different once you get to know him.”

After that, the lab technician approached them, handing Meredith her mom’s labs. “Here you go. Ellis Grey.”

The girl read it and handed it to George. “Let her know.”

As he walked away, Izzie asked worried. “Meredith are you okay?”

“She’s not…” The small girl whispered, more to herself.

“No, I’m not okay.” The dirty blonde agreed.

The woman’s mass was benign.

~~~~~~

As Amory walked past Ellis’ room, she saw George laying on the bed with her. The woman snuzzled against him as she slept. Her eyes widened in shock and her boyfriend got up from the bed, seeing her through the window.

“Should I be jealous?” The short girl giggled as she pressed a kiss against his mouth.

“She thinks I’m her husband…” They began walking through the hallway, hans intertwined.

“My boyfriend looks like my friend’s dad… slightly disturbing.” Both laughed at the fact. “I’m guessing Thatcher Grey must be a handsome man then.” She rose to her tiptoes and ruffled the boy’s hair.

“Boyfriend?” George questioned as he sat down on a hospital bed that lined the hallway.

Amory slightly stiffened as she sat down next to him. She wasn’t even thinking about that when she aid it. “Yeah?” She said but it came out as more of a question. “I mean, if you want to be, you can be. I don’t want to rush you or anything.” 

George just chuckled. they really were similar. They both rambled and stuttered when they were flustered. “Yeah,I like being called your boyfriend.”

“How are you holding up, Amy?” George asked after a moment of silence.

“I… don’t know, really.” They say together on a nearby hospital bed, the man holding his girlfriend by the waist. “It was a hadr day. I mean, Cristina’s fine but…” Her voice began to crack. “But she might not have been. You know I love taking care of all of you. I can’t imagine it any other way, but it gets exhausting, making sure everyone is okay.” The girl let a tear fall, George wiping it with his thumb. “It was a terrible day for both Meredith and Cristina, and I’m their person and they are mine, but sometimes I feel like I have to hold everything together for everyone…” The girl’s head flopped against the boy’s shoulder, as she let another tear fall. Amory composed herself adn finished off after a few seconds. “I love taking care of them, I do. Who else would if it wasn’t me, but it can get so overwhelming sometimes. Thank you for being the one who takes care of me, George. If it wasn’t for you I think I would forget myself most of the times.” The girl almost whispered.

At that, George pressed a kiss to her forehead, his arm around her shoulders as her face was pressed against his chest. “No need to thank me, Amy. I’ll always take care of you, no matter what happens.”

[neopuppy]

I went to the Dallas show too and everyone I talked to said the GA situation was mess. I had seated tickets so it wasn't that bad for my friend and I, but our friend in GA said the line/fast pass situation was insane.

I was so ready to be bias wrecked by renjun but jaemin just wouldn't let it happen

I high-key want to see the dreamies again

MANNNNNNN i wont get into it abt the line drama too much, idc what they venue said either it was 1000% their fault. As someone who was raised by armys to smarten up abt how kpop works when I first got into it I rly never wanted to do a GA crowd again after how wings tour went down💀😅 but 7dream……

the whole everyone show up at the same time to get in line without any staff to handle how it goes is the venues fault, they were letting people get crushed, smothered and injured just bc we’re “kpop stans and the worst fandom they have ever had to deal with.” and then going on twitter to make fun of us 💀 also idc what anyone says there are a group of 20-30 foreign girls cutting lines at every stop and will not allow anyone to talk to them rationally. There are also about 15-20 American fans doing the same thing- thinking they control front of the line and saying the most ridiculous shit…..unfortunately most of them are Haechan stans too. They make it harder for the rest of us bc they were acting crazy as fuck, everyone else I met was pretty normal and calm😭 but those people were rly insane and staking out the venue by hiding in bushes/trees and piles of dirt the nights before. GA crowds need to be abolished bc some of these people are just abnormal.

idk I have been to well over 50 kpop concerts and ykw, Dreamzens are the worst. like, hands down the worst fandom experiences I have had irl have been in Neo City, they rly do have some of THE worst sasaengs I have ever encountered and it’s not limited to Asian fans, a ton of Western fans have adapted that behavior. It’s rly weird and sad to see.

BUT!!!!! None of that can deter from how fun and amazing the concert was oh my god I love them so much I almost cried a few times I’m ngl, like I’m not that person but NCT Dream mean a lot to me(despite how awful the fandom is, online AND irl), I heavily deep-dived Dream during the pandemic/lockdown and they in many ways became my safe space throughout the mental strain covid put me through(and still does). Their music and them in general bring me more comfort than I realized, like finally getting to see them all together felt idk….. I felt happy again, like my heart was full. It was so nice, I’m crying just thinking abt it, I love them so much bfjwixidcn.

I have really been getting over kpop and very disheartened with it ever since lockdown restrictions have been lifted(even prior bc the way kpop was moving during the pandemic made me pull back big time). Concert etiquette is lost, younger/new generation fans are the most disrespectful and entitled pieces of shit literally ruining the fun, and people are more insane than ever……like I cannot handle this culture of newer fans that truly believe they will become y/n and get an NDA by acting like a wild animal and holding up not only stupid signs but also crossing lines between fan/artists.

There are more problems in this fandom beyond Judy(iykyk) for example, but the fact that people enable her delusion by saying she is pretty and they aren’t doing much to shove her away. SHE READS MY JENO FICS LIKE THE REST OF Y’ALL……. She is not fucking anyone in NCT and its sick how even the fandom has no respect for these artists as human beings

Like I have traveled for many concerts now, and it is 1000% extremely easy to not stalk or ‘conveniently’ show up at the same place as kpop idols. People with the same flights/hotel/at the same restaurant/off-schedule events etc etc are going out of their way to harass these idols.

The whole experience of being a kpop fan is an everyday struggle for me bc on one hand I love these artists for their work and talent so much, on the other hand being associated with fans who act like wild animals that were raised by apes is sooooooo humiliating and not in a nice kinky way either.

I keep saying this is my last year with anything kpop idk. I just wanted to see the neos a few more times in concerts bc they rly do have the funnest concerts imo, but something rly shifted after lockdown, bitches went too crazy fr. I wanna go back to 2019 when concerts were more abt having fun with your parasocial friends and less abt getting attention lmao. Ok I ranted butttttttt yeah. Asking for kpop stans to act somewhat normal is…..outlandish I suppose.

Hopefully the next time I see the Dreamies will be more pleasant! I know this arena is much safer and more prepared for kpop stans bc they handled enhypen’s crowd rly well when I saw them there. Either way I’m going to have fun! Hope everyone stays safe💚

[animatorweirdo]

Good morning/evening! It's muffin anon. Of course, you can use my ideas in your fics. Just mention me in the chapter notes. I would love to see your interpretation of my ideas.

So, this idea/mini-fic has been sitting in my drafts for some time now. Brace yourself, this is long.

Imagine you find yourself in a strange dreamscape. And you see a stranger in the distance. You try to get closer to the stranger but no matter how hard you try, you are stuck right where you were. Then, the stranger turns around and you see the most angelic face you have ever seen.

You wake up and don't think too much about your dream. Until find yourself in that same dreamscape. The dream repeats itself. Only this time, the stranger stands closer to you.

This pattern goes on for weeks until one night, you can finally reach the stranger.

The moment your fingers touch his blouse, you pull him for a hug. Why, you do not know. But you can feel a very strong connection to this guy. To your surprise, he hugs you back and the dream ends there

The next night, you find yourself standing right in front of the stranger. There is barely any distance between you two. And you take this chance to look at him carefully. You engrave the man's face in your memory as if he would vanish in front of him if you looked anywhere else. That dream ends there and when you wake up, you draw the man from your dreams as best as possible.

For weeks you continue to see the man. Sometimes under oak trees, sometimes in a majestic garden, sometimes (insert defining cultural place of your own culture). Sometimes speaking of your day, sometimes exploring the dreamscape and sometimes just enjoying each other's silent company. With the tranquil beauty of your dreams, it wasn'r long before you fell in love with this man. You knew it wasn't healthy. But to hell if you gave a damn. Those dreams had become the only this making you feel alive in the monotonous life of our modern world.

While you always felt comfortable around him, you never asked his name or gave yours for that matter. After years of seeing those dreams every night, you decided to take a risk and ask him his name. The man opened his mouth the speak,

"I am-"

Your head buzzed and you felt yourself being thrown and tearing the space-time fabric. Everything felt fuzzy, big, and confusing. So you let your mind fall to darkness.

You wake up in a strange land, surrounded by strange people. They asked you questions but you didn't understand a word from their language. You feared of what the people would do to you seeing you were much taller and different looking compared to them. But as it turn out, these strangely Asian-looking people thought you were some kind of god as you had descended from the heavens when the heavens cried in agony. At least that was what you understood. The people gave you clothes and let you stay, worshipping you as the god of storms. You learned their language with relative ease and lived a good life amongst them.

It felt like your previous world except for the fact that you only ever felt thirsty every few weeks, only ate every four months, and didn't feel the need to sleep until your first year rolled over. The only explanation you could come up with was, that time worked much faster here than in your old world and your body still thought you were back home, in your bed. Despite all the good things about your new home, you couldn't bring yourself to be content and happy as you stopped having dreams of the strange man. No matter how much you tried to suppress it, your heart yearned to be with him again. And it felt like you would find him if you traveled west, across the desert, and into the unknown. That, combined with the precarious political situation regarding the 'god' persona people had created for you, you decided to take all your valuables and flee from these lands. You walked day and night, non-stop for weeks until the first signs of tiredness started to show. Then, you went to the nearest city to rest.

You kept on traveling for years. Traveling so far, and so much was not something anyone ever seemed to have done. Your experiences were absolutely precious for anyone who wanted to know more about the world. So, you purchased a journal and wrote down all about the new people you met on your travels and how they treated you. You wrote all about the scenery and the different cultures you encountered. You learned many languages. You learned so much about the world, and its people and made many precious friends you would not leave had it not been for the yearning of your heart.

And, my dear friends, this is where I ran out of ideas and was left with a vague outline. I would hate to leave you guys hanging, so here is the outline:

Nothing could quiet the yearning of your heart. If anything it got stronger the more you traveled west. After you reached the sea amidst the great desert, you followed the Running River westward. (Only after stopping for fine wine at Dorwinion of course.)

You reach Rhovanion and manage to pass through the forest relatively easily.

You cross the Misty Mountains and reach Rivendell.

You know that Rivendell is where the man in your dreams dwells as your heart soars here.

Then you finally manage to find the man you have been looking for for decades.

You worked up the courage to go and talk about your strange experiences. He was certainly the same man you had been searching for, but he was not himself.

He was fading.

With much time and effort, you manage to bring your elf back to reality.

You and your elf had a nice time living together in Imladris.

Almost every night, the elves of Imladris would come to the Halls of Fire to listen to the stories of your adventures for there were none who traveled so far and wide.

Though you enjoyed your time amongst the elves of Imladris, you ached to travel more before age could bind you to your home.

Though you were aging one day every year, you were still mortal and could still die from illnesses or old age.

You wanted to travel more. Especially after learning that despite being an immortal elf, your elf had never been outside the valley.

After some convincing, you took your elf to travel all across Middle Earth.

The two of you traveled far and wide. To places, no one had ever been before and to places where everyone wanted to go.

It wasn’t like you never traveled before, but this time it was much more exciting and joyous, for you had the love of your life traveling with you.

So, this is it. What do you think? Do you like this scenario? I just had to sprinkle in my previous idea of reader being taller than everyone here. And in case it wasn’t as clear as I hoped it would be, in this story, a year in Middle Earth is a day in our world. Since reader’s body still thinks it is in the modern world, reader would have an average lifespan of 21.900 years if we don’t account for any illnesses. This would give them a lot of time to spend with their elf. But being a human and living so long would have some effect on reader. Maybe they go mad or maybe they commit suicide. For the sake of fluffiness, we will say reader did some extraordinary feat that got the Valar pleased and they were allowed to sail West with their elf.

Also, let’s play a mini guess game. What type of muffin is my favorite? (Hint: I love anything chocolate.)

That was a lot. I liked it though. It is definitely unique and interesting. Reader's travel into Arda is peculiar to me. Did reader's mind and spirit get transported into another body? Did reader completely travel to Arda? Because if it is reader's soul that makes it difficult to age properly in its new body then that makes sense. And who was this mysterious elf from reader´s dreams? It has a lot of mystery which I like. Very good muffin. very good.

A muffin game? No--- I'm bad at those. I could say dark chocolate mixed with licorice due to all the angst you make up. You can make sweet things so white chocolate with strawberries? Or do you just like ordinary milk chocolate? Or do you like chocolate chip muffins? I can't decide. Sorry. Was I close at least?

[writer-and-artist27]

Hi dude! I hope you're having a good day. I've been reading your works for a while now and I was wondering if you can share your opinions on Oshi no Ko and its characters (specifically Ai Hoshino). No pressure, though! If this makes you feel uncomfortable, feel free to delete this ask.

Hello to you too, anon. Doing my best to have good days if anything. Only answering this at 10:06 pm on a Saturday night because of finishing a hangout with my best guy friend and my boyfriend, so it's been going well. The question doesn't make me uncomfy at all.

My opinions on Oshi no Ko, huh...

Gotta put it under a cut from how long this answer is turning out to be.

---------------------------------

I really love it. Now at least. It took some growing pains to come to that conclusion, because some of the story beats and character decisions made in-universe need me to turn my empathy off to take it in and not be sensitive/be hurt irl. Especially with the real life research put into said story beats because knowing how much corruption/nepotism can be put into the entertainment industry really is disheartening for me as someone who writes for fun and just wants to help others feel happy in a small way too. (Let it be said when I read into the story of wrestler Hana Kimura and how it might've inspired Akane's first story - I nearly cried and still currently sympathize with Hana's mother from being triggered by watching that particular anime episode.) That's how well-written it is - when I have to take breaks and research ahead of time so I don't get thrown off guard.

Funnily enough, I first heard of it when I started reading and slowly collecting the manga for Kaguya-sama: Love is War. Aka Akasaka was already really famous even amongst my small friend group irl from how he set the standard for new romance comedy, and when Oshi no Ko's anime adaptation was announced, that's when I started seeing the first manga volume pop up in Barnes and Noble stores my boyfriend and I visited together on dates.

I was really wary at first, no thanks to my first exposure to Mengo Yokoyari's art being Scum's Wish (and how uncomfy I was watching clips of that show since I'd been made a middleman to two relationships friends had by then) and how the Internet spoiled me on how Ai was going to die; and add in how they cast Rie Takahashi - as in Mash Kyrielight - as her VA, I was also just scared. Because I love Mash thanks to Fate/Grand Order, I really respect Takahashi's work - the last thing I needed when starting Oshi no Ko was to hear Mash's voice as Ai died.

But once the anime started and my boyfriend let me listen to Idol by YOASOBI - I was a goner. More so when I found the 45510 short story that fans translated from Akasaka that let the fanbase peek into Ai.

Just like how I grew to love Mash, I ended up falling for Ai more than any other character in Oshi no Ko. And, to be completely honest, I think it's from how much I sympathize with Ai. With her desire of trying to find love that's hers because she never truly knew what it was like, I mean. While Mash reminds me of a little sister that I could've wanted, a friend I wanted to look out for, Ai reminds me of the face I sometimes feel myself putting on in public, unconsciously too, especially when working in the healthcare community.

Not everyone is truly honest with themselves. The number of times I've had to hunch into myself on the trolley when others would throw baseless comments like, "Get out of my country, Asian bitch," "You're not my nursing mother, keep your bullshit away from me," and even "You're not God's angel, you fancy hoe" - there's a reason I've started to joke about having my own mini-book of "misadventures." The jokes let me cope with the increasing amounts of bitterness I've been seeing.

I've had to learn how to put on a smile, play up an innocent image of seemingly not hearing darker drama amongst coworkers, even fake cheeriness in my voice to molecular companies over the phone when asking for materials for patient care - because even the "nicest" people can hold the most bitter pills in life. But I have to keep that kind of mask up, just to make sure I make it through another day. To make sure the people I love don't worry more than they need to.

But at the same time, whenever I offer my coworkers a massage to their shoulders, give hugs when I can on bad days - everyone keeps calling me "sweet" and "kind." And it's still hard to believe that sometimes.

Ai told the lie of "I love you" in the hopes of finding love someday. It was hard not to like her when I try to do something kind because I honestly believe it's the right thing to do while wanting to believe in the hope of finding more people who feel the same way. In the hope I can find more people I don't have to be a "cheery star" for all the time.

Because I've been hurt way too many times by falsehoods. Because I've seen enough darkness.

...I forgot where I was going with this, but let it be said the glimpse we get into the entertainment industry mixed in with the very human aspect of all the characters shown in the story - from Ai, Aqua, Ruby, Kana, Akane, Miyako, Ichigo - every single one feels real and my struggles of trying to find myself in a worklife that's had me let go three times despite my best efforts (and bullied to the point of abuse one other time too) feel all the more valid. I guess.

[my-misericordia]

A narrative I feel isn't being appreciated enough is Max's. No his isn't about love but what he's doing I feel is equally as radical in itself. He is a queer person choosing to stay and fight. From the 1st timeline we know he gets the resources to leave the country but he's apparently unhappy. I love the message that leaving the country doesn't solve all your problems. When you're an immigrant you have to learn a new language, a new way of life, face New discriminations, etc. It's not all sunshine. Of course, for some people, I'm sure that's a fair trade off, but I can't imagine that it's doable for everyone. 

It's just as an immigrant who knows many others...most of us are not 100% satisfied lol ESPECIALLY those of us who aren't white or white passing. We are always outsiders in one way or another. Although people around us may be accepting of us it's just not the same as being by your countrymen, even if they weren't always accepting of your identity. If you come from an asian country you for sure need to speak English. If you live in a big city you'll be lucky to find little oases, but if not that isolation will just be be constant. Let me tell you the first time I went to a big city and didn't have to spell out my name for a food order?? I almost cried!!! lol Maybe that person wouldn't accept me but god damnit they can spell my name and in that moment that's all I needed.

I feel like some of the western fans can't grasp how impactful it is either. In fact I've seen people say that Max would be better off leaving Thailand and Pisaeng too for that matter. It's on some very Western Superiority shit for real real. Like every queer person will just be better off moving to Canada, USA, England, etc. Like there's no point in fighting in your own country for your civil rights because why? As if they're trying to say these countries will never be "Civilized" enough to grant queer people their rights. Of course this hasn't been said directly but it's just how it comes off to me. 

I also wonder if this is a common move for many thai queer people? To leave on their own accord or, if their parents have the money, to be sent abroad. Recently we've definitely started to see more overt queer narratives popping up in BL. I wonder if this is something the director has observed around him?