#-by him addressing and choosing to not give in to that suicidality a second time. like thats the entire point

[transphilza]

i have decided that my interpretation of c!wilbur’s ominous foreshadowing after the “Bust” stream is that he was suicidal and increasingly planning on committing suicide as his character heavily alludes to (because i believe that negating the suicidal overtones of cwilbur during this portion of his story by saying that he was always only ever planning on going back to utah: # 1 just lessens the impact of everything that happens in this arc, because he wouldve already decided to live thus making all those conversations and apologies forcing him to confront the realities of his own life and death wayyy less meaningful, but most importantly # 2 makes it impossible to provide adequate closure for his character’s deepest struggles because they wouldve never been re-addressed) — BUT that when he finally decided to go through with sending friend to ghostbur thus making the evident conclusion that ghostbur did not deserve to suffer eternally (and by extension and implication, himself, too) he changes his mind and chooses Life :) aka Utah <3

[merakiui]

Absolutely love the possessive ex Scaramouche ramble in tags, please feed us more of that.

Gladly!! :D

(cw: yandere, extremely toxic ex scara, modern au, unhealthy behaviors/relationship, stalking, coercion, obsession, forced marriage, violent/suicidal threats, manipulation, mentions of intoxication/alcohol, implied self-harm)

The two of you were what everyone calls ‘high school sweethearts.’ You met him in the cafeteria when the both of you were first years. Despite the scowl etched on his face, he looked lonely sitting all by himself while everyone was finding tables, old and new friends gathering in groups. He’d ignored you, even scooting further away when you’d attempt to move closer. Even though he seemed so averse to you, you remained, silently eating your lunch. Neither of you said anything, but you did introduce yourself. He scoffed under his breath.

You started to sit next to him for every lunch, and he continued to give you the silent treatment. You never pressed him for conversation, instead choosing to enjoy silence while you ate and admired him from the sidelines. He never looked at you, always facing forwards and toying with his chopsticks, bending them so far until they were ready to snap. Eventually, he seemed to grow accustomed to this routine because many weeks into the semester he turned to address you.

“Why do you always sit by me? Don’t you have anyone else to bother?”

“Maybe. But I don’t think anyone’s as mysterious as you are.”

“‘Mysterious…’ Yeah, whatever.”

That seemed to be the catalyst because, as sardonic as he was, he’d begun talking to you. And it wasn’t long until he started to warm up to you every lunch until the both of you were exchanging lighthearted banter. Your friendship would only grow from this point onwards until, at the end of your first year during a study session to prepare for finals, where you were both pulling an all-nighter at your house, he’d asked you out. And you said yes, and the both of you had gone from best friends to lovers within the span of a year. The both of you were each other’s first partner, so it made doing things as a couple even more exciting because neither of you had any experience with dates or holding hands or kissing.

Kuni wasn’t a bad boyfriend. In fact, he was very loyal and sweet. He’d stand up for you if anyone was being rude to you or scrutinizing your relationship with hateful eyes. The two of you were nearly inseparable. When you weren’t spending time together in school, you were out doing things together. And when you couldn’t meet up in person, you’d text or call, sometimes talking late into the evening about all sorts of things. You were so immersed in him that you failed to notice the red flags slowly raising over time. But looking back there were a few notable ones.

He never invited you to his house. In fact, you’d never even met his parents, whereas he’d been to your home so often that your family practically became his own. He hadn’t mentioned anything about his family, and if you tried to suggest going to his house for dinner so that he could introduce you to them he was quick to change the subject. For a while you’d push this, more curious than concerned, but eventually you’d drop it when it became clear that he wasn’t going to divulge anything on the matter. That had stung, but you snuffed those feelings in favor of focusing on other aspects of your relationship.

The second red flag was just how clingy he became when the both of you were in your third year, having been together for two solid years. You never noticed it before because you loved him, but when friends had pointed out how attached he seemed—and it was to rather unhealthy levels, according to their observations—to the point where you were the only person he’d ever formed a bond with while at school you started to see the cracks in what felt like the perfect relationship. He’d text you every single day, at every single hour, all the time. He’d call you nonstop, even more so when you didn’t immediately pick up.

The third red flag coincided with the second. When you couldn’t make it to your phone, he was quick to blame himself and those around him for being responsible for your deteriorating relationship. Did I do something wrong? Are you mad at me? Did those guys bother you again? They probably told you some stupid shit about me, right? Don’t listen to them. Hey, you’re not mad, right? Call me back. I need to talk to you. Just text me when you can, okay? (Name), please don’t leave me. I’ll fix whatever’s wrong. Just promise you’ll stay. Messages of these kinds were what you could expect to receive from him. He’d fluctuate between self-loathing to loathing those around him within seconds, shoving blame onto classmates who’d bully him for being that “weird emo kid with too many piercings” and anyone else who tried to, in his words, “come between you and me.”

By the end of your third year, you started to fall out of love. He was so very dedicated to this relationship, evidenced by how much effort and care he’d put into it, but his clingy behavior was stifling. You’d lost some of your own friends because he chased them away, and it felt like you couldn’t do anything without him breathing down your neck. If you wanted to go anywhere with a friend or two, Kuni had to be there to accompany you. If you looked at another for too long, he’d think you were cheating. If you didn’t text or call him at certain times, if you failed to pick up, or—Archons forbid—you left him on seen, he’d spiral.

Kuni had this habit of sounding dangerously self-destructive when he feared you were being unfaithful or he thought you were going to break up with him, which meant you’d have to sit on the phone for hours convincing him that you loved him, that you’d never leave him, that you’d always be here for him, that you were sorry for not responding, that he needs to calm down and please, please, please don’t do anything rash. Those phone calls were always so stressful. You cried a lot; you’d beg him to put the knife away when he’d threaten to use it on himself, on you, on anyone who might try to take you from him. And, after a few hours of this, he’d be back to his usual self, as if a switch had been flipped. You could hear his adoring smile in his voice when he spoke, when he’d lovingly whisper into the phone, “I’m happy you’re mine. I love you so much.” And you’d shakily parrot the affirmation, too frazzled to say or do anything else.

One of your best friends Rosalyne, who you’d befriended in the midst of all of this, had been so supportive the minute you spilled the truth to her. Kuni hated her the most because she wasn’t afraid of him. Because she’d shut him down when he tried to pull you away from her. Because she wouldn’t approve of any of his toxicity. Rosalyne would take you on shopping sprees, brunch dates, and jogs at the local park. She was plenty of good to outshine Kuni’s bad, and the more time you spent with her the clearer your head would become. The both of you had plenty of sleepovers together, and she let you rant your heart out while she listened. She’d tell you to break up with him, but you’d agonized over how terrifying that would be. You couldn’t bear to tell Kuni the truth—that you wanted to separate because things had turned so rotten—because you were so scared. Scared of him and what he might do.

Scared that if he really did take a blade to himself it would be your fault. He told you that a lot. That it would be your fault if he did anything. That his blood would be on your hands. You believed him every time.

By your final year, you’d already had a plan for university outlined and you’d started applying to a few in advance. You never told Kuni about any of them because you worried he might apply to each one in hopes of going to the same school as you. And when there was the dance for the graduating class and Kuni had asked you to it, you’d told him you were going with Rosalyne and a few other friends as a group. He didn’t like this, as expected, but you’d been so sick of him and his behaviors that you snapped and spilled everything to him. You’ll never forget the look on his face when you told him that you were done with the relationship and that you never wanted to see him again.

He looked as if he could lunge at you and tear you to bloody ribbons at any moment.

You graduated single and so very refreshed, and your summer had been filled with friends. Kuni didn’t message you at all, which was surprising considering you were certain he’d spam you relentlessly after the break-up. But he never did. In fact, you never saw him again. Graduation had come and gone, and now that you could recover from such a terrible relationship he was becoming less of a burden for you. For a while you were anxious. You kept expecting to receive a phone call or to see some news about Kuni, but neither ever came. Rosalyne told you to stop thinking about him. It would only make you even more paranoid and that wouldn’t do your mental health any good. You were so grateful to have her in your life, but most importantly you were glad Kuni failed to scare her away.

Now you’re a second year in college and things have only gotten so much better for you. You and Rosalyne still keep in touch despite going to different schools. She’d gone to a university in Snezhnaya, while you enrolled in one in Sumeru, and you’ve blotted Kuni from your mind. You’ve made a fresh group of friends while attending classes: criminal justice major Shikanoin Heizou, creative writing major Kaedehara Kazuha, musical therapy major Venti, botany major Tighnari, and so many more wonderful people who have all welcomed you into their circles.

So when Venti drags a familiar face to your usual weekend outing, which is really just a retreat to the forest for drinking and smoking, creeping cold settles into your bones. He looks awkward with Venti’s arm slung around him as the more bubbly of the two drags him towards the bonfire, where you sit with the others roasting marshmallows for s’mores, and it’s a look that is so uncharacteristic on him. What’s even weirder is how friendly everyone greets him—as if they all know him—and you’re completely lost when they turn to you and ask if you’ve met Kunikuzushi.

“No,” you lie through your teeth, forcing a pleasant smile and extending your hand for a stiff handshake, which Venti snickers at. “No, I’ve never met him before.”

Apparently, he’s in one of Venti’s classes—it’s a course he’s taking solely because he needs the credits. Tighnari knows him because they usually work the same shifts at the campus café. Kazuha knows him from his linguistics and philosophy classes. Heizou’s ate with him in the dining hall plenty of times now and they’re also taking the same psychology class. It feels so genuine and yet so fake at the same time. Too perfectly manufactured to be a mere coincidence. But you do your best to push past these suspicions, and when he sits across from you, smiling at you and saying how nice it is to meet you, the warping flames paint his face in devilish shadows. That’s what you think he is when he acts like a completely different person from how he was when you dated: a devil who’s good at being kind and outgoing, noisy and abrupt, and always so foul-mouthed, but in a way that makes him charming. Your friends are so enthralled. They love him and his sense of humor. They love his quick wit. They love how fun he is. And suddenly weekends spent in the forest aren’t so enjoyable.

You do your best to overcome your doubts. For a few months you’re on edge. How he even found you is a mystery. Surely he wouldn’t stalk you and enroll in the same college just to get revenge or…whatever vengeance he wants from you. But when he treats you to coffee, when he brings you and the others pastries every other morning, when he invites the lot of you to study at the library, when he tells the funniest stories while crossed and everyone’s giggling like schoolgirls it really feels like he’s…healthier. Like he’s turned a fresh page in his life and is starting anew. Like he’s changed for the better.

Perhaps he just doesn’t remember you. You’ve changed your style over the years, so it’s possible he’s simply forgotten your image and can’t place memories to your name. Eventually, after soothing yourself with these theories, you begin to accept his presence in the group. He fits in so flawlessly, as if he’s a missing piece to the puzzle, and you can’t believe you’re admitting this, but you like this version of Kuni. He’s confident, not cocky. He’s kind, not rude. He gives everyone space. In fact, he rarely texts frequently in the group chat. And he’s funny! He’s so funny. You don’t think the Kuni from your past was ever as funny as the Kuni who regales everyone with lighthearted stories of how he once took in a stray cat that turned out to belong to his neighbor or how his old job had the strangest customers.

Maybe he truly did change. Maybe all of these coincidences really are coincidences. Maybe it’s for the best that you leave the past in the past.

Finals season looms, and the group hasn’t had time to meet up outside of class. Venti has tried to persuade everyone to come study at his apartment. His roommate won’t care (yes, he will. Xiao hates it when everyone gets blackout drunk and he has to wake everyone come morning), but if you’ve known Venti long enough you’ll know there is no studying that happens at these study sessions. This is probably the reason why he’s had to repeat a year.

With everyone’s schedules packed with academics, it’s difficult to find a time where everyone can get together to study. You think you might just be better off studying on your own, but Kuni’s message of you wanna pull an all-nighter for these lame af finals together?? accompanied with a photo of snacks and coffee, any thoughts of studying alone instantly vanish.

This is how you find yourself in his dorm, sprawled on his bed while he sits on the floor, whacking your dangling feet when they get too close to him. His roommate Albedo is currently out tutoring a few students at the library and won’t be back until much later, so it’s just you, Kuni, and a pile of textbooks and notes. You’ve hung out with Kuni a few times and he was great company during each. You’ve also fallen asleep in his dorm before, when you’d come over to binge a show the both of you enjoy, and you’d lost track of time and had slipped into a dream halfway through the marathon. You’d woken the next morning with Kuni looming over you, grinning deviously and holding an uncapped marker. He’d leaned down and whispered, “You drool in your sleep,” and you’d swatted at him and groused about how you were sleeping so peacefully when he just had to ruin your sleep (and your face) with his antics. And then there was that time when you were so drunk at that one party and you could hardly stand, he’d been there to help. He even stayed with you for the rest of that night, offering his assistance when you became nauseous or needed water or a snack until you passed out.

Despite your initial apprehensions, you consider him a friend. He’s no one nearly as close as Rosalyne or your other friends. He’s just a mutual friend, someone you’ll spend time with when you feel like it, but you don’t truly need him in your life. That, and part of you still struggles to trust him after all of the stress and unhealthy obsession he subjected you to.

“Kuni,” you whine, lifting your head from the textbook. “Can you get me some water? I’m thirsty.”

“Do I look like your maid?” he snaps, immersed in organizing his notes. “Get it yourself.”

“I’m picturing it now and you’re in a frilly dress and—”

“Forget I asked.” Setting his notebook down with an exaggerated sigh, he crosses the distance to the mini fridge and withdraws a bottle of water.

Grinning, you slide off of his bed and reach for it with a grateful hum. He smirks and takes a step back, holding it away from you.

“Seriously…”

Rolling your eyes, you lunge for it and he side-steps you with the practiced grace of a cat. You brace yourself against the wall and swipe at him. Again, he dodges, unscrewing the cap and shaking the bottle teasingly.

“I think I’ll take a sip for myself. All of this studying has left me so parched.”

“No fair! That’s mine!”

“Is it?” He pulls it away from his lips to observe the bottle and feigns surprise. “That’s weird. I don’t see your name on it.”

“Look closer!” you exclaim, but just as he’s about to humor you you pounce, tackling him to the ground—there’s a beanbag cushion that breaks your fall—and the water spills all over the both of you in the midst of the tumble. A slew of colorful words stick in Kuni’s throat and your laughter rings out melodiously. You seize his wrist and hold it down while reaching for the bottle in his other hand, where there’s still some water left. He struggles halfheartedly, relinquishing the bottle with a disinterested scoff, and you pull away from him to down what’s left.

While crushing the plastic bottle into a ball, you notice something on your palm—the palm that had grabbed Kuni’s wrist—and it takes a minute before the skin tone-colored substance registers in your mind.

Concealer.

You peer at him and notice that he’s cradling his arm, and confusion sprouts.

“So funny,” he spits with a hollow laugh. “You owe me a new beanbag if this one’s ruined.”

“Hey, hold on. What’s with the—”

“Forget it. You got your water, so let’s get back to studying. Or do you no longer want to be a perfect student?”

Without thinking, you grab his arm as he’s standing and when you look at his forearm you can see where the water’s started to wash the concealer away. Curiously, you scrub at it while he tries to yank his arm away, but when you unearth a dozen scars littering his wrist and climbing the length of his arm that creeping cold from before returns.

And suddenly you’re brought back to those phone calls—the ones where he’d threaten suicide and murder—and you stumble back as if you’ve been burned, half-expecting to hear those threats once more. Kuni’s staring at his wrist, his features twisted in grim disapproval, and for a moment you think he looks…hurt. Or maybe that’s sadness you see. Whatever emotion it was, it doesn’t linger because a quiet chuckle slips past his lips, and the sound is so very frigid it has your blood crystallizing.

“It really hurt when you said you never wanted to see me again.” Kuni peers down at you, and his eyes that had once been so bright and filled with light are dull and dark. “But nothing hurts more than loving you.”

You open your mouth to say something—anything—but the words won’t come. You’re rooted to the ground, horror slinking through your body and rendering you immovable. Your heart is in your throat, pounding so loudly it’s practically a drum, and a cold sweat washes over you.

“Each time I found myself hating you, I thought it was odd because I love you so much. I can’t possibly hate the one I’ve loved all this time.” He scowls. “But loving you hurts. Loving you feels like chewing glass and drinking poison. Loving you isn’t fair because while you moved forward with your ‘friends,’ I was forced to stay behind and pick up the pieces of what was left of you. So for every moment I couldn’t stand you, I tallied it on myself so that I’ll never forget the times I loved you so much I hated you.”

This can’t be happening, you’re thinking, curling your hands into trembling fists. He changed. He changed, right? This isn’t the same Kuni from before. This isn’t…

“And when I saw how well you seemed to be doing without me, I hated you even more.” Without warning, he’s grabbed your arm and hoisted you up. You open your mouth to scream, but no sound comes—not that anything could when he’s pulled a switchblade from his pocket and poised the pointed tip at your jugular. “You have poor taste in friends. Those guys suck.”

Tutting, he shakes his head at you like a parent might when scolding a child, and says, “Do you know how fucking tiring it was pretending? You think I care about pastries and stupid campfire stories? You really think I’d ever want to associate myself with that sorry lot?”

“K-Kuni, please let go of me. I… I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were—I’m sorry. So please just…”

“And then the first time you see me after all these years apart and you had the gall to lie to my face! ‘I’ve never met him before.’ Bullshit. You just didn’t want any of your loser friends to know our history, right? Because you’re ashamed to have known me, right?”

“That’s not it! I… I was just—I didn’t… I was… I just…”

“I… I… I…” he mocks, shoving you down onto the beanbag. It dips under the sudden weight, and you sink further into it when he points the blade at you. “Stop tripping over your tongue. I should be the one near tears! You cast me aside and then forgot all about me. You abandoned me when I needed you most.” His voice cracks at that last sentence, and your heart skips erratically.

“That’s not what happened! We needed space. I needed space. You were being too—” You stop yourself, unsure of how to phrase it. Too controlling? Too dangerous? Too scary?

“Lucky for you, I’m willing to overlook these past...slights.” The blade twirls effortlessly in his grasp, and you heave a relieved breath when he’s no longer pointing it in your direction. “Marry me and we’ll forget all about the past. We’ll start over.”

His demand almost stops your heart altogether. You stare up at him, mouth agape, and mumble a disbelieving, “What?”

“You heard me.” He seems to soften with his next words, and for a moment he looks and sounds like the Kuni who hangs out with you and your friends. The harmlessly fun Kuni who always takes such good care of you. “You’re the only one I’ll ever love, so let’s get married.”

“K-Kuni, I can’t... I really can’t...”

Within seconds the blade has found itself on his wrist, pressing into delicate flesh. Not enough to cut, but if he applies more force you’ll definitely see blood. You choke on a horrified gasp.

“What was that?” He raises his brow at you, challenging you with a calm smile.

Your mind reels in an effort to conjure a plan. What can you even do? If you take the blade from him, will he turn his anger on you? Will you have to wrestle him into submission? And if you do manage to get out of his dorm, will anyone believe you? He’s painted himself in such a pleasant light. Your friends love and trust him! So what can you say? And if there isn’t any solid proof, no one will even entertain bringing the authorities into this mess.

“I’m waiting, (Name). Are you really going to make me add another tally? Do you really want me to hate you again? Oh, but maybe I should start marking you! We can add a slice for each time you failed to love me. That way we’ll both look like used cutting boards.”

You need help, you want to say, but the words escape you.

Instead, you nod hastily and say breathlessly, “Okay, yes! I’ll marry you!” Swallowing your horror, you glance at the blade as it’s lifted from his skin. Thankfully, there isn’t a cut. “I... I’ll marry you, Kuni. So... So please don’t hurt yourself. Please.”

It feels like you’ve been strangled for an eternity, so when he finally pockets the blade the air in your lungs returns and you collapse against the beanbag, chest rising and falling in short, panicked breaths. 

“Good.” He bends down to your height, grips your chin with cold fingers, and forces you to meet his adoring stare. “We’ll look at rings tomorrow. Or maybe you’d prefer bracelets instead? I can be flexible but only for you, so you’d better be grateful.”

You swallow rising bile and nod. “T-Thank you.” You’re not sure why you’re thanking him when he hardly deserves it, but it feels like the right thing to say to ease the tension.

Kuni’s eyes sparkle, no longer a void of endless darkness, and when he leans in to capture your lips in his your heart sinks. You really can’t run from your past, can you?

[caelitus-a]

This is to address the somewhat elephant in the room & that is Jellal's 'guilt'. I have a differing view to it then what is depicted to canon so take a seat and buckle up.

The first part to this is that what Jellal feels isn't so much just guilt for his actions but a mix of guilt & remorse. Jellal was raised by his parents to protect life & nurture it, to show kindness to others & respect where it's due but above all was taught the value of family & friends. All those are things that Jellal highly valued, he LOVED his parents and his friends. The guilt stems from the betrayal of those values that he committed when it was things severely important to him, tossed aside for more evil & selfish reasons.

The second part is that Jellal's guilt is not self - loathing or suicidal. Yes Jellal has a somewhat low self - esteem view of himself but it's not to the point where he hates himself or wishes death for himself. He's accepted the consequences of his actions & that is living with his actions. Death to him seems like an escape, something dealt to him when the victims have to deal with the memory of him always. He doesn't want to take his own life nor does he wish for death.

The third part is that he does feel genuine guilt & remorse for what he did. Jellal dislikes when people throw the blame to Ultear or when it's shifted to her. Yes he has his own feelings about that, it hurts to think about it & does cause him his own share of pain BUT in the end. He stills sees himself as having committed those crimes wholly & 100% regardless of whether possession / manipulation were involved.

When it comes to Kagura, the OS, Erza, Millianna + all others who suffered from his hand. It's going to be exactly that, they'll always remember that it was by his hand, his face & his own self. Jellal's own hands still committed those crimes regardless of who was in control.

In addition to this, Jellal doesn't wholly consider himself as a good person. He sees things in that everyone can have 2 sides to them, both a light or a dark side. What side they choose to embody is up to them in the end. Jellal sees it that he fell to the darkness in his moment of weakness instead of fighting against. When it comes down to it, he sees it as that he accepted the darkness, gave into his anger & what small doubts he held in his heart.

Fourth part, atonement & forgiveness and this plays a bit into the above paragraph part as well. Jellal doesn't tell others how they should atone or whether they should. He gives the option to but he's not going to force or make other people follow the path he may of chosen for himself.

Jellal's atonement comes partially from the selfish desire to help lessen the guilt he feels as well as wanting to help those whose lives he deeply effected. He knows that he can't erase the things that happened, can't take back or rewind time but if he can make some sort of positive impact then it's somewhere to start. Additionally, he doesn't want others to fall victim in the same way or to have anyone else end up suffering the same way.

Now forgiveness, he doesn't expect any of that at all. It doesn't matter what he does now to try to 'fix' things or atone for what he did. Jellal doesn't expect forgiveness from anyone nor will he ask for it. It's not up to him whether someone gives him forgiveness for something & it isn't something he's looking for. Jellal doesn't do the things he does now in the hopes that he's forgiven for his crimes despite what is believed for Crime Sorciere.

[prismaticutie]

Lumi lore ending explained

Hi everyone! I want to make a post addressing my experience w mental illness in the past year(s)

It's going to be a very long post but before I get into it, I want you to know that I'm more or less happy with where I'm at currently! I just want to talk about my mental illness and what it's been like for the past year or so

If you're not interested in that just skip this post okay ty <3

TW: suicide, mentions of self-destructive behavior

- - -

This is gonna be a long ride so strap in pals. I should also clarify I don't know the technical terms that would apply to my situation. I don't want a diagnosis on this, I just want to talk about it.

Let's talk about Cyrus. If you know me, you probably know that I've been obsessed with the guy for a little over a year now.

It goes past the point of obsession. He lives with me. And he has, for the past year, mentally.

I like to think of him as my "mental aid" or sometimes even my "caretaker". I don't consider him a "fictional other", although I suppose the nature of our relationship might look that way to someone else.

Already this is a lot to take in, but allow me to explain.

I have had a history, since about 2019 or so, of having fictional characters reside with me inside my head. It started out as just talking to characters, like any imaginary scenario. But then it grew to be more.

I would talk with them about everything going on in my life, live out entire storylines with them, and it got to the point where they would advise me in what to do with my life.

There were two other characters before Cyrus. Characters rarely exist simultaneously. Before Cyrus, characters would only be present for a few months, then disappear for a few months, then come back or be replaced with another character. That new person would stay for a few months, and the cycle would continue.

These characters were there to help me. To guide me, to serve as my subconscious and voice of reason.

And to provide emotional support when I needed it and felt I couldn't confide in anyone who was real. This often led to a sense of closeness and to me developing emotional attachment to the characters, to the point of even seeing them as "fictional others".

I knew the characters were not real. I know they are not real, were never real, and will never be real. However, I still choose to rely on them and develop relationships with them.

It is not normal. It is not conventional. I am fully well aware that they are not real. But at the end of the day, it's my mental illness, and this is the coping mechanism that helps me the most.

Cyrus has been around for over a year now. He has not taken a break for a few months, he has not waivered, he has not left for any reason. This makes him extremely different from the previous characters that have been in my mind.

Cyrus is with me pretty much every second of the day. He is my guide and advisor in life. He serves as my voice of reason and as a reflection of my own self.

We've only ever been apart for maybe a few hours at a time. I spend most of the day talking to him about anything really, we do everything together, and he helps me, all the time.

Separating him from me would, in all honesty, probably kill me.

I have not been well. My circumstances are awful, to put it lightly. I'm severely mentally ill and unable to get any sort of therapy or medication due to the aforementioned circumstances.

Without Cyrus to help me, I would probably give into the suicidal urges that I struggle with every day.

He advises me and takes care of me. He helps me see reason when I'm lost in paranoia and irrationality. He calms me down when my anxiety is high. He does pretty much everything.

My brain functions in a highly specific way, and he has all the knowledge to be able to deal with it.

I cannot stress enough how dysfunctional I would be without him. He likes to put it a certain way.

"Most people can function on their own with little to no help. [Lumi] is someone who requires a lot of help. He does not have any way of getting the help that he needs naturally. That is why he relies on me. It is abnormal and unconventional, as he likes to put it. Yes, it is indeed very unconventional. However, nothing about him is conventional." -Cy

"What he's dealing with is difficult to explain. But we have tried just about everything. He firmly believes that this is what's best for him, and so do I. It may be unconventional, but it is not inherently horrible. It may be hard for others to understand, but this is his life. It is different, but it is his "normal"." -Cy

"And I should clarify, if any of this posed actual harm to him, I would cease it all in an instant." -Cy

In the past year of having Cyrus by my side, life has been a lot easier for me to manage. It took a while for us to get used to working together, but we figured it out eventually. It took a lot of trial and error!

But a few months ago, everything just got...easier. Not in terms of life! God no, my life is. Not getting easier, haha. But! I'm getting better at managing it.

I've improved on meeting my basic needs, which is something I used to struggle with. I have a lot more energy than I did last semester, and I've been way more productive, which I'm happy about.

Life hasn't gotten easier, but it's more doable. I'm managing my emotions better, particularly my stress, which is great, cause that was a huge problem for me previously! I'm also better at managing my depression.

Basically my bad days are a lot less bad than they used to be, and my good days are way better than before! And I assure you, I could not have done it without Cyrus' help.

It's a little unnerving, talking about it publicly. But that's how mental illness is. The experience is always gonna be odd, but I really wanted to explain what's going on w Cy! He's become such an important part of my life and I could not do any of this without him.

Like, I seriously could not live without him.

Oh, and as reassurance, I wanna clarify. My attachment is to him as a person (concept?) inside my head, not the character so much. So like, it wouldn't be the end of the world if he had a scout in pokemas that I didn't get or something like that.

I don't even own merch of him, actually! The closest thing I have is a team galactic phone ring, which. Broke. Lol

I am planning on buying his TCG Collector's deck (which releases later this month !) but even then I'm not about to go merch crazy over him

Basically my attachment to him shouldn't prove to be a detriment to my real life in any way shape or form.

Trust me, I have a lot of experience with this. I havs had it get unhealthy with certain characters. It has been severely mitigated with Cyrus. This is as healthy as it gets for me, I assure you.

If you knew what the past ones were like, you would definitely agree. But I don't feel comfortable sharing that bc it was uber fucked up lol!

I wouldn't be posting about this if it weren't successful for me personally. I'm confident in it because it's been a year and I've been observing it closely.

Do I think Cyrus is a great idea? Yea! If things are difficult for you to do for some mental reason or another, having a favorite character there to help you can make a world of difference! But would I recommend doing this sort of thing? It depends. You really have to exercise a good level of control over it. If you're going to have the character helping you, there has to be boundaries for them that they can't overstep in attempting to help you, otherwise it goes downhill REALLY fast.

I don't think it's the sort of thing that most people could replicate because it all relies on the specific rule system that my brain functions by. And my brain is rigid with its rules. Rules are rules, so if they're set, they're not likely to be broken in my case. This isn't the case for most people. It's not really a self-control thing for me either, it's more like I couldn't break the rules even if I really wanted to. They would have to be changed or I would have to be granted permission. It's a long story.

It is important to note that Cyrus really is a mental aid to me. A caregiver in a sense. He will make me take care of myself even if I don't want to. He does battle my self-destructive urges and negative thoughts constantly. His ultimate goal is to make me do what's best for me even if I really don't want to.

And honestly, I need it a lot of the time. Sometimes I really don't want to do things that are good for me. I'm a bit childish in that way. So having Cyrus like, drag me to the bathroom to brush my teeth for example, is really necessary sometimes.

He helps in bigger ways than that too ofc but that would take a LOT of explaining and this is already fairly incoherent. If you have any questions you can absolutely ask and I can try to explain it to the best of my ability!

Ummm what else did I have to say about this. Oh. The awkward part abt him being an "f/o" of sorts.

He's not real so my relationship with him isn't real. I know that. Still, I got feelings for him. That's all there is to it, really. You might see me treat him as a real significant other.

You don't have to remind me that he's not real. I know he isn't. But my feelings are real and I would appreciate it if they were respected.

I can't really think of anything else to add? If you're curious, no, I don't get hallucinations of him or anything like that. He doesn't impede on the real world, he only exists in my imagination. He's like an imaginary friend! If an imaginary friend was like, super intelligent I guess?

Idk. But he helps me, and I'm grateful for him. And I wanted to talk about mental illness a little. It is never easy and I'm convinced it will never be easy. But he makes it more manageable. He takes care of me and looks out for me. Even if it's just me looking out for myself, I could not do it "on my own" like most people can.

Also I don't think he's an alter or anything like that. There's a certain degree of separation between us. I am not Cyrus and he is not me. He just happens to reside with me in. My body. None of this makes sense does it. Point is he can't like front or anything but you can like speak to him I guess? It's more like me relaying messages for him tho

This is a really complex thing that my mind has developed over the years so there's a LOT I'm leaving out again if you're curious plz just ask I love talking abt it

[left-4-dead-2-multiplayercg]

Left 4 Dead 2 Cheats List | download

💾 ►►► DOWNLOAD FILE 🔥🔥🔥 Originally released in , Left 4 Dead 2 has been around for over a decade now. Considering the game is getting old now, you can use cheat codes via console command to spice things up a little bit. In addition to that, you can load specific maps using the map commands. In order to access console command , you first need to enable it. G Guides. Leave a Reply Cancel reply Your email address will not be published. Comment Name Email Website. The god cheat is used to enable or disable the god mode in the game. Write 1 to enable and 0 to disable in the syntax. If you want to upgrade your character by giving him weapon ir items, then you can use this command. Must specify the upgrade id in the syntax. This console command is used to enable the unlimited ammunition. You can specify in the syntax to enable or disable it. The give console command will give you the specified weapon or item. You have to specify the id of required item in the syntax. If you want to summon any particular NPC in the game, you can use this console command. Must specify the npc id in the syntax. By enabling this mode, you can protect yur character from being dying. He will take damage but no death. You can set the your character on fire using this console command. You will not die this way but will be able to spread the fire on enemies. You can deal amount of damage you want to do to survivors by specifying the amount in the syntax. This console command is used to set the speed in noclipping mode. Give the desired speed in the syntax. You can also disable it. You can change the time scale of the game with the help of this commad, that can be faster or sloser from the actual time scale. This command helps you to spawn a particular entity at your crosshair location. You can specify the required entity id in the syntax. This command willl set the number of seconds until the player loses control of the tank from not attacking survivors. This console command is used to set the number of seconds until the player loses control of the tank from not attacking survivors. This command is used to set the camera to be fixed in place whle in either third person or third person shoulder mode. If you are stich in the game, you can use the kill command to let your charatcer commit the suicide. The bind command is use to bind up the particular keys with the specified commands. Must specify the key and command in syntax to binid. This command allow for your game to continue on with just bots. Or you can continue game with players by disabling it. This command helps you to enable or disable the the bot unsticking feature. Specify 1 to enable and 0 to disable. This command is used to command helps you to teleport all the survivors to the battlefield location. This console command will teleport all survivors to the current checkpoint that you are at in your map. This command teleports the survivor that is furthest away from you to the location your crosshair is over. This console command will open up the menu to allow you to choose a team depending on your current game server. This command sets the time in seconds that after how much time the players can be rescued after being dead. This console command will set how much more damage a hit from a zombie from behind will deal to you. This console command will set the amount of damage dealt to doors, boxes, walls, and other breakable objects by melee attacks. This console command allows connections to your server at any time and by any means. You can also disable that by specifying 0 in the syntax. This command sets the amount of time it takes for a witch to die from burning. This time would be in seconds. This command allows zombies to change their target after they have selected at a target to attack. If already enabled, you can disable it. This command is used to enable or disable the puker vomit debug information. If already enabled, you can disable it by specifying 0 in the syntax. The time will be in seconds. This command helps you to set the flashlight's constant, which allows you to see at further distances. The setinfo console command is used to set the info value for your particular client key. You have to specify the value and the key in syntax. You can set the explosive force of bullets from weapons with the explosive ammo upgrade, usig this command. This command makes explosive bullets from shotguns with the explosive ammo upgrade have an explosive force. This console command is used to set the minimum interval between each expert zombie mob spawn. The time will be given in seconds. This command sets the maximum interva between each expert zombie mob spawn. This console command helps you to set the maximum amount of zombies that will be summoned in a mob. Time will be in seconds. This command sets the maximum spawn interval between each mega mob spawn. You can specify the time in seconds. This console command will set whether zombies always wander sit or lie down, or they can be asked do the both. This console command is used to set the amount of time it takes for a zombie to notice a survivor within the range. This console command will set the maximum amount of zombies that can be present in the game at any given time -. Doom Cheat Codes. Factorio Console Commands Cheat Codes. Gunblood Cheat Codes.

[tobi-smp]

I was thinking about it while I was in the shower, so here’s another Hot Take on the discussion on whether we can (or should) consider technoblade as abusive

a lot of interactions between technoblade and other characters are difficult to gauge because c!techno obviously isn’t honest about his feelings at all times On Top Of cc!techno Very Rarely If Ever being completely in character, including and especially with very serious lore scenes. so how we’re meant to take anything he does or says is hard to parse, especially with the knowledge that other creators can take scenes seriously and incorporate it into their lore even if it wasn’t the intention at the time (like jack’s death at tommy’s hands during exile).

(technoblade has only recently come out to state that he’s intentionally playing his side of the story lighter to give people a break from the heavy angst in the rest of the server, but that’s hardly new. he broke the tension all the time during his partnership with tommy, namely with the confrontation with dream at the portal and tommy and tubbo’s first reunion, but it was even noticeable with doomsday, his perspective is a Palpably different tone from Anyone on the l’manberg side of things. which can make some Very interesting inconsistencies when it’s directly slammed into tommy’s more serious roleplaying style.)

you can Easily read him as Either a purely opportunistic character who uses the guise of being deeply emotionally wounded as a justification for Horrific Violence when he was never that emotionally invested in the first place Or a character that is rarely if ever honest and open with his feelings, who hurts other people by accident by trying to downplay his own vulnerability who is Nevertheless deeply emotionally invested in and impacted by the people around him. both interpretations can be soundly backed up by what we’ve been given and we can’t really discount the other reading because of the semi-canoncity of whatever technoblade does. we aren’t really gonna know unless technoblade himself decides to address it specifically.

so with that in mind, I want to take a second to take a more charitable reading, not as an argument that technoblade’s relationship with tommy Wasn’t unhealthy (because it objectively was no matter the reading of his intentions) but to ground the overall conversation a little bit here.

this, I think, is where the nuance in the intersection between “technoblade didn’t have the full picture of what happened with dream and tommy” and “technoblade knew enough to know that what he did on doomsday was wrong” Matters. 

if we read technoblade as a character that genuinely cares but either chooses not to or doesn’t know How to express those emotions in a healthy productive way (“tsundereblade” ala the scene of ranboo giving techno the axe) Combined With techno’s very dry sense of humor then it Is very possible to read some of the more uh, Unfortunate things that he’s said in a different light. which doesn’t excuse them by any means, people hurting their friends by not being emotionally honest or through jokes that hit harder than intended happens all the time and it’s the responsibility of that friend to apologize and change their behavior. but at the same time, people can’t actually change their behavior if they don’t know that what they’ve done is wrong.

we need to keep in mind that: - both technoblade And tommy express their affection with their friends by ribbing them. making fun of each other Is a sign of affection for them. if we’re meant to read that as part of their characters then it may not be entirely fair to say that technoblade should’ve known that putting tommy down was going to hurt him

- technoblade knows (or assumes) that dream wants to kill tommy and he knows that tommy has trauma. but technoblade Doesn’t know that dream systematically destroyed tommy’s self confidence to the point of being suicidal. he Doesn’t know how fragile tommy is about his own self worth, and he Doesn’t know that that kind of joking would hit tommy differently now than it would’ve back during their pogtopia days.

- technoblade knows that tommy was a child soldier, he knows that he was forced out of his home and isolated by someone that he’d trusted and loved, and he directly relates tommy’s betrayal to his own. he’s more likely to think that tommy’s mental state Now has more to do with l’manberg than dream specifically even if he recognizes dream as a threat to tommy.

none of this makes techno putting down tommy’s self worth Right, it doesn’t mean that we have to look at him charitably when he tells someone to their face that they aren’t equals only to turn around and destroy a country when he thinks he’s being dehumanized. but I also think that we can’t necessarily assume that he 100% devalued tommy both as a person and a friend from that interaction.

moreover, technoblade was For Sure being opportunistic in trying to recruit tommy. I’ve made my own analysis on techno obviously trying to prime tommy for a partnership at the start of tommy’s exile. but at the same time, I don’t think that’s necessarily Solely about taking advantage of what tommy could do for him, especially since he was trying to recruit tommy before he’d had his mind set on actively destroying l’manberg.

assuming that technoblade was as hurt by tommy as he was because he genuinely Cared about tommy, because he and tommy Were friends and he enjoyed his company, then he very well could’ve recognized that tommy being betrayed by the same people he was would open him up to being able to relate to him. techno and tommy have very fun interactions when there’s nothing driving them against each other, but they’re fundamentally incompatible on their morality and philosophies.

so the obvious solution to that would be one showing the other that their way of thinking was wrong, to let their relationship thrive without that barrier between them. and like, obviously technoblade is the extremist of the situation, it’s a little hard to swallow him trying to change tommy when he’s the one that refuses to compromise even when tommy tries to do it for him. but I think it’s worth recognizing when we’re having a conversation about whether or not he Solely saw tommy as an asset to use rather than a companion. if you choose to read techno as someone who refuses to compromise on his ideals but craves that interaction anyways, then the way he scooped tommy up while trying to relate tommy’s situation to his own, trying to convince them that l’manberg was bad for him, etc, can be read in a Much Less overtly malicious light. it’s still not a Healthy one, but at least it’s not Child Labor Meat Shield.

this particular reading Does have the fact that techno didn’t try to recruit anyone else on its side. for the entirety of tommy’s exile up until doomsday he didn’t try to seek out partnerships with anyone, even though there were Several people unaffiliated with l’manberg at the time. he sought tommy out the First Day of his exile, surely the moment he heard of it, and he was Noticeably Eager to partner with him the moment he’d found him in his house. if that was nothing but pure unadulterated ambition and opportunity seeking then you’d think he’d try to make at least One ally in the meantime.

then again, tommy was the most vulnerable person on the server at the time, you don’t have to know about tommy’s abuse to know that. if you choose to read techno as solely opportunistic then it’s easy to dismiss all of that and say that techno went for tommy because he saw it as the safest bet and that he didn’t gun for any other allies before him because he didn’t see it as immediately necessary until he’d been provoked. but on the other hand, it makes a lot of Sense that a character who’d just cut himself off from every ally he could’ve had but One would be kind of desperate for any chance at connection that he could get. that he’d seize the opportunity specifically Because he enjoyed his relationship with tommy before it went south and he wants to have a close partnership like that again.

technoblade’s a highly paranoid character, so you could argue that he’d try to seek out any partnership he could get his hands on if he was truly actively gunning for allies to the point of being willing to overlook his grudge against tommy to scoop him up as soon as possible. but on the other hand, technoblade’s a highly paranoid character, so he might not want to Risk someone ratting him out to the enemy if he can’t trust them or if they aren’t as neutral as they seem to be.

so ! with all that in mind I think that it’s a valid take to argue that technoblade’s actions could’ve been considered abusive whether he realized it or not, but I also think that it’s a valid take to say that it might not’ve been the intention of the roleplayers at the time and that some of the details that can be used to come to the conclusion that technoblade was abusive were tinged by cc!techno’s humor and him not thinking through the implications of tommy’s current arc. both takes make sense within the context of what we’ve been presented, we just need to make the space for both within overall analysis.

[caffeinatedseri]

Dazai and No Longer Human’s Yozo

It’s no secret that BSD’s Dazai draws heavily from his real life counterpart, especially from his semi-autobiographical work: No Longer Human. To preface, No Longer Human is written from the perspective of the main character Yozo, with the book itself being a documentation of Yozo’s notebooks (essentially his journals) throughout his life. 

As you progress through the novel, it becomes increasingly clear that Yozo lives an extremely two-sided life; his foolish personality acts as a facade to others in attempts to hide the darker nature within him. 

Dazai shares that obvious similarity with Yozo, but Dazai is characterized in a somewhat vague and mysterious way that leaves a lot of his inner thoughts up to interpretation and inferences. Thus, I’ll be going through some of my favorite quotes from No Longer Human and analyzing Dazai’s character through his similarities to Yozo.

(For the sake of readability, excerpts from No Longer Human will be in pictures, and quotes from the light novel will be in regular block quotes).

Dazai and Yozo’s Participation in Clownery

To start off, Dazai noticeably participates in the same “clowning” as Yozo, which in particular stands out with PM Dazai.

““How did your leg get hurt?” I pointed to the bandages, thinking that it must be the result of some violent fight. “I was reading a book titled ‘How to Prevent Accidental Injuries’ while walking when I accidentally fell into a ditch.” I wasn’t expecting such an abnormal response.” — LN 2, Osamu Dazai and the Dark Era (Oda’s POV)

This is pretty standard Dazai behavior, but the interesting part is how Yozo specifically used the word “deceiving.” If we were to assume Yozo’s true thoughts are Dazai’s as well, then it would imply that Dazai feels as if he’s manipulating people with his absurd claims (such as the above). However, in actuality, his clownish behaviors sound more like a joke, or some type of self-deflection, rather than an attempt to manipulate people. (Yozo also states that he would often incriminate himself by overexaggerating certain things, but I don’t think Dazai does that).

The second statement Yozo makes implies that he doesn’t care about ethics, morality, or the supposed “right way” of living life that’s described as “righteousness.”

Yozo’s statement on “righteousness” parallels Dazai’s in Dark Era, but Dazai’s statement carries a slightly different sentiment. Rather than being indifferent to the likes of morality, Dazai says that he’s “hated” by the concept of morality. 

I’ll be speculating a bit here → It’s heavily implied that Dazai had some sort of dark past that led him to joining the mafia, since he was already suicidal prior to doing so. This suggests that something affected his life so drastically to the point where he could no longer trust in such things as “righteousness,” because righteousness has wronged him in the past.

First, Yozo expresses his fear of people discovering his true nature under the mask of clownery, which would then lead to them pestering him for further inquiry. However, his real fear is that people would mistake his true nature as another part of his typical clownery.

More so than before, this attitude reminds me more of Dazai in the agency, rather than him in the mafia. Even though Dazai danced around darker topics in his conversations with Oda, he was still able to talk about them without much conflict. However, in the agency, Dazai doesn’t talk much about himself or any of his personal issues at all. 

Although this scene has comedic overtones, it’s interesting to see that no one would help Dazai if he was actually dying. Still, it could be argued that the other agency members knew it was just Dazai’s regular antics. (or that Dazai wouldn’t die in the first place). 

This scenario repeats itself another time when Dazai gets kidnapped by the mafia, and the other agency members kind of just brush it aside. As much as they may trust Dazai to take care of himself (which I’m sure he can do), it’s worrying that the other members may not be open to Dazai’s possible attempts at reaching out for help, if he were ever to make one. 

In LN 4, 55 Minutes, Atsushi addresses this issue by asking Dazai why he wants to kill himself, but the answer is left open-ended, with Atsushi himself not remembering the answer (or if Dazai even did answer). You could interpret Dazai’s change from his time in the PM as an improvement of his mental state — which I have no doubt that has happened — but Dazai needs to face his issues head-on if he truly wanted to reconcile with his past.

“Perhaps someone should persistently tie Dazai up, open the lid over his chest and stuff the head of a vacuum cleaner in. They have to let Dazai, who should be screaming in pain and resisting, settle down. Following which, the difficult things in his heart must all be dragged out under the sun and stepped on mercilessly.“ — LN 2, Osamu Dazai and the Dark Era

Oda, the man who understood Dazai more than anyone else could at the time, even specifically stated that the pain in Dazai’s heart must be forcefully dragged out, because he knew that this would ultimately be the most beneficial for Dazai’s sanity.

Throughout No Longer Human, Yozo is often misunderstood by others, or other people simply don’t care about him.

When Dazai goes to visit Oda’s grave in Dead Apple, Atsushi finds him and assumes that he’s visiting the grave of someone important to him, as an act of respect or remembrance, something of the sort. However, Dazai makes the automatic assumption that his “clownish words of deceit” (as stated by Yozo) will always be prioritized over the truth, which is why he chooses to brush off his actions as a joke. 

Although I made the point earlier that the agency members don’t give Dazai opportunities to open up about himself, Atsushi is notably different, similarly to Oda, because he’s able to take Dazai seriously and persist even through his antics. 

Atsushi takes Dazai’s act of visiting a grave seriously, even when Dazai plays it off, because he knows Dazai is a person just like anyone else. This understanding between them leads to Dazai telling Atsushi about Oda, thereby allowing Dazai to divulge a crucial part of his past.

Dazai and Yozo’s Friendships

Similarly to Yozo, Dazai’s attempt at “disentangling” himself from these relationships only serves to wear him out in the end. However, they also slightly differ in a way: Yozo is unable to form any friendships for his whole life, but Dazai had Oda. I would argue that Oda was Dazai’s only friend, mostly because of this quote:

“Odasaku understood him far beyond what Dazai had ever thought. He had already reached close to his heart, the place near the center of his heart. Before this, Dazai had never noticed there was someone who understood him so well. For the first time in his life, Dazai wanted to know something from the depths of his heart.” — LN 2, “Osamu Dazai and the Dark Era”

Oda was special to Dazai because Oda was able to understand him — maybe even more than Dazai could understand himself — which is why Oda is the only person that Dazai asks for advice from. 

However, Dazai does the same thing as Yozo when he “plays the clown” as a form of self-protection from such valuable friendships. (which is probably preventing him from becoming closer to the rest of the agency).

“Things that we don’t want to lose will definitely be lost. Now that it has come to this, I have no more feelings anymore. Things worth pursuing will always disappear the moment before you get them. Nothing is worth prolonging a painful life to pursue.” — LN 2, “Osamu Dazai and the Dark Era”

Interestingly enough, Dazai says this when Ango is revealed to be a spy — before Oda dies. If Dazai was in this state of distress from Ango’s betrayal, you could only imagine how devastating Oda’s death was. 

Dazai speaks as if he’s speaking from experience, which suggests that he’s faced a similar loss in the past. Despite this implied experience, he still became friends with Oda (and Ango to an extent), fully knowing that it would only bring him pain in the end. Dazai's statement here acts more as a front that makes him sound cold and detached from the situation, only to hide how he truly feels about losing one of his only friends. 

To give some context to this passage, Yozo’s partner, Yoshiko, had been sexually assaulted by a coworker, of which Yozo attributes the cause to her overly trusting nature. Thus, this leads to Yozo’s belief that trustfulness is inherently wrong or creates weakness.

Dazai’s hesitance to form friendships most likely stems from this same inability to trust others like Yozo, but Dazai does trust a few people, namely Chuuya, Oda, and Atsushi.

With Chuuya, there’s a different type of trust between him and Dazai. Their impeccable trust is obviously a key factor in their partnership as SKK, but there’s a certain limit with this trust. They certainly trust each other in battle, but I’d argue that this trust doesn’t extend to their personal business. 

As of now, we don’t know a lot about how SKK interacted with each other during their time in the mafia (which could change with the new LN), but I doubt PM Dazai would feel comfortable with confiding in Chuuya with anything because they (kind of) hated each other. The level of trust required for a friendship would involve a mutual understanding between two people, but Chuuya and Dazai haven’t necessarily shown us that they were able to do that.

Dazai essentially broke his trust with Chuuya by leaving the mafia on a whim, but he also intentionally antagonized himself to try to make Chuuya hate him.

This scene also has comedic overtones, but it suggests something a bit sadder about Dazai. There are possibly two motivations as to why Dazai chose to do this: (or a mix of the two)

1. Dazai didn’t want Chuuya to be incriminated as his accomplice when he became an enemy of the mafia.

2. Dazai wanted to push Chuuya away because Oda — Dazai’s most trusted friend — had just died. As a form of self-protection, Dazai broke whatever semblance of friendship he shared with Chuuya in order to prevent the same pain that came with Oda’s death. 

It’s also important to consider that trust is a 2-way street; both parties have to have the same level of trust in each other. Just like Yozo, if Dazai is unable to trust anyone, then he may have cut Chuuya off to protect him (since Chuuya may have trusted Dazai more than Dazai was able to reciprocate).

In contrast, Oda and Dazai have a level of unspoken trust that basically motivates Dazai to change his entire life. 

“Odasaku’s eyes radiate with conviction. The words are clearly said with some sort of strong basis. Is it past experience? Or perhaps someone’s suggestion? — He is trying to show Dazai the path he once walked. Dazai understands this. Dazai can trust it.“ — LN 2, “Osamu Dazai and the Dark Era”

Returning to Yozo’s question — “Is trustfulness a sin?” — Dazai answers it by showing us the strength of trust in this moment. Trust insinuates blind faith in another person, the willingness to believe someone else without logical reasoning, which makes it all the more important when PM Dazai — the genius prodigy who operates on a solely logical basis — is able to trust Oda and change his path in life. 

Atsushi is most likely the one that Dazai trusts the most in the agency, due to the aforementioned issues with the other members. However, it seems more like a budding trust that’s growing to become like Oda and Dazai, but it still requires Dazai to take that step forward to further their trust. 

Dazai and Yozo’s View of the World

In this scene, Yozo had made a decision for immediate gratification, but that choice caused him insufferable pain afterwards — supporting his belief that the world was a “place of bottomless horror.”

This parallels two of Dazai’s statements: one from Dark Era and one from Dead Apple.

“Please, take me with you. Wake me up from this rotten world of a dream. Come on, come on, come on!” — LN 2, “Osamu Dazai and the Dark Era”

(Dazai wasn’t talking about himself here, but the allusion sets up a situation where he can talk about himself indirectly — I talk about it more in my other post here)

We don’t really get a reason for why Dazai is suicidal, but from this we can infer that it’s something more complex than he makes it out to be — something like an issue deeply rooted within the world, with no easy solution. 

One could guess that this was the result of an unfortunate decision (like Yozo), or the realization that the world was simply a terrible place (possibly because no one cared for him as a kid and he had Mori as a “parental” figure instead).

Yozo expresses his lack of understanding in the compassion of human nature, but Dazai (as we know) seems to understand other people perfectly, as least enough to manipulate them.

However, this forms somewhat of a paradox: Dazai understands people so well to the point that he can’t understand them.

Dazai understands every flawed aspect of a human being — the tendency to manipulate, lie, kill, etc. — most likely because of his past as a young child. “Human beings never did teach” him the hopeful aspect of human nature  — the ability to love and cherish others.

Shibusawa in Dead Apple reflects this mindset, but take note of what Dazai says: “You wouldn’t be saying that if you actually had friends” — clearly a reflection of Dazai’s personal experience, by knowing how important friends are.

Yozo’s deathly fear of society tames itself when he comes to the realization that society is really just made up of a bunch of individuals working for their individual benefit, so he has no reason to fear society as a whole.

I don’t believe Dazai has this same fear of society, but he does reflect this individualistic mindset in the way he acts. Often enough, Dazai doesn’t tell anyone about his plans and would rather manipulate people into following such plans, even when it would be easier to cooperate. He always takes care of conflicts by himself, and by his standard.

Yozo’s fear of society possibly manifested into Dazai’s ostracization from society. More speculation here, but → My guess is that Dazai was alienated not only as a genius isolated for his intelligence, but also for his ability. There seems to be some division between regular society and ability-users’ society, but I can see Dazai being rejected by both because he’s the antithesis to all abilities. 

Regular society would either shun him like other users or attempt to exploit him for their personal gain (possibly for his intelligence AND his ability), or ability-users would see him as a threat and/or menace to their safety.

When Yozo considers a double suicide with his partner, he comes to this unsure conclusion of whether or not he actually wants to go through with it.

This reflects what Oda believes about Dazai:

“I thought you and Dazai were very similar, unable to see the value of your life, hoping for death, hence jumping into a world of violence and fighting. But that’s not the case. That guy is just a child who’s too smart. Just a crying child who’s been left alone in the darkness, a world of nothingness far emptier than the world we can see.“ — LN 2, “Osamu Dazai and the Dark Era”

At the end of the story, Gide and Oda are different from Dazai because they face an inevitable hopelessness. However, Dazai has a small spark of hope to live on that persists beyond the other two. 

This is represented in Dazai’s own statement to Oda, when Oda is set on walking to his death: “Go and rely on something, hope for something good to happen next, that something will definitely happen.” 

If anything, this sounds more like a plea to himself than to Oda, but it establishes an important point: hope is built upon the assumption that the future will treat your present desires well. Vice versa, hopelessness is built upon the expectation that the future will neglect your present desires.

It’s a bit wordy, so I’ll elaborate on. Right after Dazai says this line, they proceed to talk about their desires → Dazai wants to find a reason to live, so he joined the mafia; Oda wanted to become a novelist, so he didn’t kill anyone. 

Now, the difference between hope and hopelessness:

Oda feels hopeless because he expects that his present desire (to become a novelist) won’t be fulfilled in the future. By losing the one qualification that he felt he had to follow (not killing anyone), he no longer believes that he can become a novelist.

Dazai has hope because he assumes that his present desire (to find a reason to live) will be fulfilled in the future. He doesn’t know that for sure, but he persists onwards regardless of having full assurance or not. 

Dazai’s hope and trust in Oda brings him to where he is in the present, and takes him one step closer towards discovering his reason to live. 

[mendespideys]

in need of saving | e.y.

pairing: eren yeager x reader 

warnings: mentions of fighting, swearing, blood, etc. it’s angsty

summary: eren’s emotions get the best of him and you’re his last hope. based on the line “you’ve been talking with your fists” from when you love someone by james tw.

a/n: this is my first ever drabble/fic/one-shot (whatever you wanna call it) of aot. my husband made me watch it, i became obsessed and now i am here putting my obsession into my writing lol. hope you guys like it. enjoy! 

also, to the people following me for marvel/sm content - i’m sorry lol

gif credit 

it was no secret that eren jaeger was slowly but surely losing it. maybe not losing it, but definitely losing his cool. and a lot more frequently than what everyone had deemed normal for him.

because it was also no secret that eren was known for losing it time and time again. everyone in the 104th cadet corps had seen the green-eyed boy pick a fight more than once - especially with jean. the two of them seemed to bubble with anger just at the sight of one another and no one really knew the real reason why. 

whether it was jean using what was definitely eren’s least favorite nickname he had ever gotten (suicidal maniac) or eren making a comment about the redhead being a coward - the two of them could barely get along on a good day. 

but, lately, everyone seemed to be getting on eren’s bad side. horse-face was no longer the only insult coming from him and it certainly was not the most cruel one that had slipped past his lips either. eren’s anger - or whatever it was - was no longer only focused jean. he seemed to be taking his feelings out on everyone. everyone except you. 

even the captain and the commander had been getting their fair share of snarky comments and attitudes from the titan shifter. while they were undoubtedly unable to hold their ground, eren was definitely crossing lines he shouldn’t have. 

and, so, you were forced into your current situation. 

“tch,” captain levi pushed himself off the table he had been leaning on. “the brat is out of control. while i have no problem beating the living shit out of him, i doubt more fighting is what he needs.”

hange nodded. “it seems he’s either too tired to heal himself or he chooses not to. his injuries are taking longer and longer to disappear. we have to do something before it’s too late.” 

before it’s too late. 

you shuddered. the thought of something happening to eren sent a shiver down your spine. worrying about him was like second nature to you and the only one who appeared to understand you was mikasa. 

“with all due respect, commander,” armin spoke up, his bright blue eyes studying the room before continuing. “we have all tried. he doesn’t want to listen to any of us. it’s pointless.”

a sigh fell from his lips, as a subconscious hand rubbed his bandaged shoulder. poor armin. even the innocent, genius best friend had been unlucky enough to experience eren’s wrath. 

“everyone but y/n.”

your eyes darted toward the mention of your name and you met captain levi’s steady gaze. you cowered under his intense stare, feeling other eyes on you as well. you cleared your throat, feeling a weird sense of pressure in the pit of your stomach. 

“i’ve tried, too,” you swallowed thickly, refusing to remember all the times you had tried to talk him. “i- he doesn’t want to listen.” 

“you haven’t really tried,” levi remarked. “the brat’s picking fights left and right. every little thing seems to set him off and you are the only one who can get him to stop. y/n, we all see the way he looks at you. eren might be humanity’s last hope, but right now, you’re his.” 

your heart was thumping in your chest. you had noticed the difference in eren’s actions toward you as well. the touches that lingered a little bit longer than normal, the longing stares he thought you never noticed, the way his anger practically melted away when his name left your lips... 

but to hear someone else confirm it aloud felt weird. foreign. because you had pushed those observations to the back of your mind, desperate not to over-analyze any of them. the two of you were just friends. 

a knock on the door startled you out of your messy web of thoughts. the door opened before either one of the superiors could give permission to do so, revealing a timid yet determined sasha. she addressed the whole room, but her brown eyes were on you. 

“um, sir, sorry to interrupt, but eren and jean are back at it again and i’m afraid neither one of them is stopping, sir.” 

no one seemed to notice the half-eaten potato clutched in her hand - or if they did, they chose not to mention it - as she saluted the captain and commander. you were already practically out of your seat before she could finish and the look from sasha that went unnoticed by everyone else certainly did not go unnoticed by you. 

you followed hot on her heels, your gaze fixated on her bobbing ponytail as she scurried through the hallways but your mind totally elsewhere. there was an uneasy feeling bubbling deep inside you and no matter what you told yourself, you couldn’t shake it. 

while eren did lack the ability to take control of his emotions and strategically plan out his next moves, his brute strength and impeccable hand-to-hand combat techniques made up for it. therefore, you were more worried about jean than eren, to say the least. 

so, to say you were surprised when you entered the field and laid eyes on the two was an understatement. the sight you had imagined and prepared yourself for was nowhere to be seen. instead, the one eren was injuring was himself. by the look of it, there definitely had been a fight between him and jean, but the latter was merely watching connie’s attempts at stopping the brunette. 

you came to a halt immediately, unsure of how to process the scene playing out in front of you. a trembling hand mutes a sob, which is now nothing more than a pained whimper as your eyes traveled up and down eren’s body, mentally assessing his injuries. 

his nose was definitely bleeding. this wasn’t an unusual sight as it tended to happened a lot during his early experiment stages with hange. but you weren’t prepared for the bruising that was already forming and there was no doubt in your mind that his nose was broken. 

his forehead was stained red as well, strands of his growing hair sticking to the sides of his face. it was impossible for you to appraise the extent of the damage as you were unable to determine the origin of the crimson liquid. 

everything seemed to happen in slow motion and too fast all at once. at the sight of the your group, connie’s attempts were replaced by captain levi’s with mikasa not far behind. hange made a beeline for jean, who was muttering frustrated nothings while rubbing his jaw. 

so eren had gotten a few hits in. 

a gentle nudge brought you back, once again, from the dark chaos within your mind. you met armin’s blue orbs, attempting to ignore the pure worry swimming within them. his eyebrows arched as a silent plea and you followed his gaze to where eren was wildly trashing against the captain. 

in any other situation, you would have laughed at the ridiculousness of it all. the captain’s height was a frequent talking point among your group and there was no denying how small he looked compared to eren’s towering frame. in any other situation, you also would not have bothered hiding how impressed you were with the captain’s ability to overpower the younger boy. 

“y/n-” levi warned, voice strained, as the bloodied boy continued to attempt resisting him. 

with a nod (to convince yourself or as a response to levi, you were unsure), your unsteady legs carried you toward the two of them. eren’s eyes were wild with determination, his nostrils flaring with anger. but you quickly realized when walking closer that there were a dozen other emotions pooling within his emerald orbs. 

“eren,” his name fell from your mouth with ease. skillfully, you maneuvered your hand around his flailing limbs, placing your palm on his swollen cheek. “eren, it’s okay. hey - stop, it’s okay, i’m here.” 

it was as if a boulder had fallen off his shoulders. his actions halted immediately and his entire body relaxed at the sound of your voice. you wouldn’t have believed the effect you had on him if you hadn’t just witnessed it. levi reluctantly let go of eren, still on stand-by in case the boy would try anything.

“y/n,” your name fell from his lips just as easily, his voice nothing more than a whisper. 

and just like that, he crumbled underneath your touch. you fell to the ground with him, ignoring the pain as your knees came in contact with the hardened dirt beneath you. bringing your other hand up as well, you trapped his face, forcing him to meet your gaze. 

he didn’t try to look anywhere else. he couldn’t. the pained look he was giving you was almost too much and you resisted the urge to look away. his bottom lip was trembling, the slit in it leaking blood with every movement. you found yourself having to withstand the yearning to kiss the pain away. 

“eren, what’s going on with you?” you tried to maintain a steady voice but there was no doubt that everybody could pick up on the worry behind every word. “this is- you can’t keep doing this. you have done nothing but talk with your fists and you need to stop. you can’t go picking fights with everybody over the smallest things.”

eren didn’t respond. the mixture of dirt and blood - both dried and fresh - and the threat of nightfall made it hard to see, but the violent jerks of his body made it obvious: he was crying. your own tears fell as well as sob after sob raked through his body. 

“i can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong,” you swallowed down your own cries, your mind focused on nothing but helping the heartbroken boy in your arms. “eren, i need you to talk to me. please?”

“w-why? you shouldn’t- i’m a monster. a stupid good-for-nothing bastard. you- why do you want to help me?”

anger coursed through your veins. you wanted to beat the living shit out of whoever had made him feel this way about himself. they had absolutely no right. eren’s cries echoed in the twilight. you didn’t check if your comrades were still an audience. frankly, you didn’t care. 

“you want to know why? because you’re human. because you have the abilities you have. because i truly believe you’re one of humanity’s last hopes. because you deserve to have someone believe in you the way you believe in saving all of us,” you inhaled deeply, overcome with emotion. “because i love you.” 

eren’s sobs stopped just like that; as if they had an off button that you just pushed. the momentary silence - which felt way longer than you would ever admit - was broken by a sound somewhere between a shaky sigh and a surprised gasp coming from eren. 

you couldn’t bring yourself to regret your confession. you didn’t feel an ounce of remorse and definitely not any embarrassment. maybe it was due to eren also showing vulnerability or maybe it was because you had practiced said confession more than once. 

you didn’t care. he knew. he knew now and that was all that mattered. 

his eyes searched your face. you weren’t sure for what, but you assumed for a sign of wether or not you were speaking the truth. your features held nothing but earnest as you returned his analyzing stare and it seemed to satisfy his silent investigation. 

“i feel- it’s too much. too much pressure. i don’t know what i’m doing anymore. i’m not- there has to be someone else. i-i can’t do it... so many people. they’re all dead because of me. i’m not strong enough to-” 

the last drops of self-control you had were eliminated by his proclamation. while it might have been difficult to comprehend for some, you had understood every word and with each broken sentence, your heart ached more and more. 

eren’s disjointed admissions were halted by your lips on his. you didn’t know where your newfound confidence had come from but you were grateful for its presence. his lips molded against yours almost instantly - so effortlessly. 

you ignored the taste of iron just as eren ignored the stinging from the cut on his lip. while the kiss was nowhere near being sexual, it was definitely more than just a peck. your lips moved together in pain and understand and love and relief. 

unwillingly, you pulled away. suddenly aware that you more than likely still had an audience, the fresh evening air felt good against your flushed cheeks. the two of you remained silent, attempting to revert your breathing patterns back to normal. 

eren rested his forehead against yours. you were sure sasha could practically hear the way your heart was stammering in your chest. and if not, eren definitely could. with each thump, your chest tightened and you were sure that if human bodies had not been designed with rib cages, your heart would have been long gone. 

your thumb caressed his cheek, his fresh tears smearing with the dried crimson in the process. a gust of wind took ahold of the few pieces of hair framing your face. eren gingerly grabbed the loose strands, tucking them behind your ear. he had done so countless times before, but something just felt different this time around. 

“i love you, too,” he whispered, the previous insecurities long gone from his voice. he had never spoken truer words. 

you smiled. “let’s get you cleaned up, yeah? and i think you might owe someone an apology.” 

eren’s limbs ached and although he didn’t want to admit to that, his body betrayed him. he had just barely stood back up when his trembling legs buckled. he prepared to meet the cold ground and the pain that would ensue, but a pair of hands caught him before it happened. 

you were just as surprised as eren appeared to be as levi attempted to steady him. it seemed the captain hadn’t ventured far. hyper aware that he probably had heard every word shared between you and eren, you didn’t dare meet his eyes. 

you sprung into action immediately, moving to eren’s other side. he winced as you navigated his arm around your shoulders, causing you to sputter out apologies while doing so. captain levi’s amusement didn’t go unnoticed by you or eren, but neither of you decided to comment on it. 

with you and captain levi both being significantly shorter than eren, supporting his weight was easier said than done. after some trial and error, though, the three of you were able to move almost seamlessly. 

eren’s strength was wavering by the second, you could tell, but he had enough left to come to a halt when you neared his most recent victim. you met jean’s eyes, hoping he could sense how apologetic you were. he confirmed with a nod then turned his attention to the boy who seemed to be getting heavier and heavier in your arms. 

“i’m sorry, jean, i-i honestly don’t even know... i’m sorry.”

“what? no ‘horse-face’?” the redhead chuckled, almost sadly. you realized that they had already cleaned him up. “don’t worry about it, eren. you did more damage to yourself than me anyway.” 

jean placed a hand on eren’s arm that was thrown over your shoulder. the interaction was brief but seemed to mean a lot to the both of them. then, they nodded and jean walked back toward the remainder of the group. sasha and connie were both saying words to him that you couldn't hear. 

you could feel the distressed stares that armin and mikasa were both sending in your direction. you gave them a nod, promising that their childhood friend was okay. he would be, at least. you had already made it your mission to ensure it. 

as you and captain levi hauled eren toward his dorm, the severity of the situation began feeling heavy on your shoulders. eren had definitely broken more than a few rules and you were sure captain levi would make sure he was punished for his insubordination. 

you weren’t entirely sure you would be off the hook either. sure, you hadn’t broken rules or gone against direct orders, but you hadn’t exactly abided either. captain levi could easily find a reason for why you should receive punishment as well and no one would even question it. 

captain levi’s steel eyes followed your every move as you opened the door to eren’s room, you could feel it. it didn’t feel like his typical burning glare but you couldn’t quite place your finger on the emotion behind the action either. 

as if sensing your thoughts that were now moving a hundred miles a minute, a groan came from eren. you watched them both quietly as captain levi managed to plop eren down on the chair you had placed next to the bath. another groan escaped the green-eyed boy and you could tell he was exhausted and in pain.

“captain, i’m-”

“tch. save it, brat. we have all been there and if they haven’t, they will. i’m surprised it took you this long. you’re a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for, kid,” levi interrupted, turning his attention toward you. “y/n, i trust you’ll take good care of humanity’s last hope. i’ll see the both of you at breakfast tomorrow morning.”

“i- yes, sir.” 

captain levi left without another word, leaving you and eren alone for the first time all day. you suddenly felt hesitant, unsure of what to do next. eren’s grunts of frustration filled the silent room as he began - well, tried to anyway - removing his tunic. 

you swatted his hands away gently, removing the article of clothing with ease. you had seen eren’s bare body before but you were still just as awestruck. this time, though, his skin was littered with scrapes, cuts and bruises of almost every color imaginable. you swallowed the urge to yell at him. 

the silence continued as you washed his body ever-so-gently. once you had been able to get him into the tub, that is. more than once, you had to momentarily stop your actions to check if eren had either fallen asleep or passed out. 

every time, his eyelids would flutter open instinctively, as if missing the warmth of your touch the second it disappeared. his green eyes would widen until they landed on you and he would relax, his lids falling shut once again. 

the silence wasn’t uncomfortable; it was filled with unspoken words of gratitude and affection. the two of you enjoyed it to the fullest - maybe even a little too much. reluctantly, you stopped running your fingers through his brown locks that never seemed to stop growing. 

eren didn’t protest when you told him it was time to get out despite how much he wanted to. he also didn’t protest and tried his best to help when you began putting a change of clothes on him. he didn’t protest when you whispered it was time for bed, either. 

he did protest when you attempted to take your leave, however. 

“stay,” it was a soft plea that pulled on your heartstrings. “please?”

and, so, you climbed into bed with him without hesitation. he nuzzled into the crook of your neck so quickly that it seemed like second-nature to him and was asleep within minutes, his soft snores the only sound within range. 

well, you had definitely broken rules now. but you decided that eren sleeping next to you was more than worth whatever form of discipline captain levi could ever devise. you would handle whatever it was with pride if it meant you could stay like this forever. 

/ / / / / 

ok, um, this didn’t exactly go where i had envisioned it to but i’m not really mad? idk. i had to put some levi x eren in there bc i live for their mentor/mentee relationship. if you made it this far, please send me some asks and let me know what you thought 🥺

[love-hatred-stuff]

Villain's girl } Im Changkyun [monsta x]

genre: royal/soldier au, vampire au

warning(s): mentions of war(indirect), kind of kidnapping

word count: 1.9k

He, he was perfect, but I just wasn't ready to get involved with him.

I knew I would regret it because we needed each other. But he just hurt me too much. No, actually I really didn't care about myself. Still, I ran away from him again, probably the most unnecessary decision of my life. The only thing that stood in my way was my fear of the gilding of his life. I simply wasn't worth it, was I?

before:...

I was lying on a green meadow that was on a mountain. Hundreds of Lisianthus flowers had grown next to me. I loved them, their scent, their colors and also their sizes. They had a calm effect on me because I had known them since my short childhood.

I've been looking after myself since I was ten years old. My parents? Probably dead. They had left me for a reason unknown to me, but I hadn't thought about it for a long time, because it had racked my mind for the next thirteen years after they disappeared.

Now I was lying here and as far as I knew it was my birthday that day. I couldn't exactly remember that date, but I had celebrated it over and over again on the same day for a long time.

It wasn't a big deal to me as it wouldn't change anything in my life but I was finally eighteen.

The sun had just started to rise, but I wanted to start the day like this, with a quiet hour on my favorite meadow in the morning sun that smiled at me. Unfortunately she was the only one who did that.

Often times I would lie there all night and watch the stars. I was more than lonely, for many years I hadn't met anyone except soldiers who attacked and burned villages, as well as my house eight years ago.

I lost my parents, my house, my food and everything else I owned. Even if it wasn't much, my already small property shrunk even more. But I had to take it for what I was, what I was trying to do.

Despite my health, which had kept up well, I had thoughts of suicide several times. Jumping off a cliff is, eating any branches and herbs. And after a few temptations, I gave up. I couldn't do that to myself yet.

As slowly as possible, I got up to look for something to eat. I didn't really liked to go hunting because I was very fond of animals and hated to hurt them, so I mostly ate berries or mushrooms.

Except once a week, I took my bow with arrow to get me a hearty meal.

When I finally got up on my two legs, I ran and went to my hut, which I had built a long time ago from branches and bushes.

I was there in no time, but something bothered me. Everything was still in its place, but I could make out a musty smell of smoke, which made me cringe.

I looked around silently and indeed, about half a mile away, a huge gray cloud was making its way through the trees.

My heart pounded alarm and without thinking twice, I sprinted in the opposite direction from which the possible fire was coming.

At the moment I didn't care about my growling stomach, nor my hut.

After a while of running I could hear voices in the direction I was walking towards.

I slowly walked slowly in order to be able to listen to every sound, no matter how small. But suddenly a soldier was standing in front of me who looked at me with a grin. I was wearing only a thin, white, yet dirty dress that hung airily up to my knees.

Uncomfortable, that's how I felt. I had never had closer contact with men, how could I (?).

"Well, who do we have here?" The soldier mockingly said.

I just widened my eyes, not to mention my mouth, which had been open since I saw him.

After a short time, more and more soldiers came and looked at me, but I was frozen. People were so fascinating but at the same time so nauseating. The soldier, who was still grinning stupidly at me, stepped closer and grabbed my hand.

"The little one must have forgotten how to speak. But she is breathtakingly beautiful. Take a look at her, guys!" He asked his men to examine me too, which is why they all took a few steps closer.

"Hey!" I heard it from not far away, in the woods.

The one whose voice it was now also ran towards me, which made me take some steps back.

"Don't touch her! She's an innocent one!" The soldier who was now standing in my immediate vicinity.

Fortunately for me, he now attracted the attention that had been on me. He pushed the others away from me, who then stumbled backwards. Then he grabbed my wrist and I felt a heat rise in me instantly, it was a completely new feeling.

I looked into a prominent face with defined cheekbones, which made him look very masculine to me. He looked like someone that could be royal, naturally beautiful.

He looked at me out of his intense brown eyes in which I could have lost myself in, in a matter of seconds.

He raised his hand, pushed a strand of hair out of my face and touched my cheek in the process. All I could do was to stay still like a statue and admire his figure.

His dark black hair that was a little messed up and some strands also graced his face.

A cold but pleasant shiver ran down my spine from his touch. I was fascinated by his looks, it seemed like he looked like a friendly devil. Although his features seemed absolutely flawless, he radiated a dark aura. I couldn't see it but I could sense it. He also had broad shoulders from which two muscular arms protruded. He was looking like a God next to me.

"She really is quite acceptable. Nevertheless, she has to come with me." He pulled me by the arm to the horses, which were not far away at a campsite.

Damn. I should have run faster, now I have to go with them if I don't get a chance to get out of here. I blamed myself silently.

The men were in the majority and clearly superior to me.

The Soldier's grin was quite strong and even when we were already in one of the tents, he was still holding onto my arm tightly. After we I hissed in pain.

Besides all that, I was still totally in shock as it was my first close contact with people in many years.

Suddenly he stopped and took a close look at my body, me not really thinking anything, because I first had to get used to people's behavior and body language.

With his gaze he stopped where he had gripped me tightly to probably prevent me from running away, but slowly the pressure got too big and hurt. Immediately he let go, but he took a closer look at the now yellow spots that adorned my arm.

They weren't the only wounds I had, I kept getting injured and accordingly had blood wounds or scratches all over the place. We were alone in the tent and he finally broke the silence.

"Who did this to you?" He asked, pointing to my wounds, like the blood stain on my dress, over my stomach. At first I didn't know what he meant but then I understood. He meant if I had been hurt by someone else.

"Nobody." I answered clearly and looked up into his wonderful eyes that flashed at me.

"What's your name?" Was his next question.

"Y/n. I think." I guessed to myself.

My name had never been relevant, but I still had vague memories from my childhood and how I was often addressed by that name back then. In the other moment, his gaze softened. He put a strand behind my ear again, as he had earlier. My attention went to his full lips which he twisted into a small grin.

“You are beautiful, Y/n. You will be mine I promise it. Nobody's going to get you." He said with determination.

What did he say? Was that just a compliment? If so, then they sound really nice, but actually I didn't really know what they meant to me. Although I could speak his language fluently and had a good vocabulary to choose from, I wasn't up to date.

"What do you mean?" I was taught to ask when you didn't understand someone, so I did just that.

"Means that we will take you to the palace where you can be sold." He suddenly changed his face and removed his hand from my cheek where it had lingered for a moment.

He had just changed his mind from one second to the other. He wanted me to be his and complimented me, so what now? Now he just wanted to drag me along and let me get sold? Great, I probably wouldn't find a way out on all these soldiers.

"But, to whom should I be sold?" If it was to my advantage I would accept it, then I would no longer be alone and would finally be among people who were equal to me.

"To some rich snob." He simply replied.

I was surprised at his sudden change of heart, but it was the chance for me to finally escape this hole. It had made me sink deeper and deeper until that point. I was redeemed.

"You have to change. We'll stay here one more night before we leave." He stepped away from me and took a white dress down from a kind of drawer, to give it to me afterwards.

A little baffled, I stood there and took the soft fabric towards me. It was soft and embroidered with small flowers.

"Thanks, where should I change and where should I sleep?" I asked briefly.

"Change here. There's a bed back there, behind the curtain. You will sleep with me, I don’t want you to run away." He answered less summarily.

Only after a short moment I could understand what he wanted from me. He was still standing right in front of my feet and looking down at me.

"So I'm supposed to change here and now?" I asked with disbelief in my voice.

"Yes, you should." He persisted.

I suspected he wouldn't give in, so I told him to at least turn around. Then he innocently raised his hands to shoulder height and obeyed my request. When he let his hands fall again, I pushed my dirty dress off my body, which meant that I stood in front of him, completely bare for a moment. Fortunately, he was standing with his back turned to me. But even if not, I would probably have obeyed, because I didn't know whether I corresponded to the typical image of women and had never had unpleasant situations like this before. That's why I never had a reason to be ashamed of my body. But as I stood in front of him I realized how important it actually was to be able to see someone like that.

I quickly slipped into the fresh dress, which clung to my thin body and my delicate curves. It actually looked very pretty, but I could hardly judge it because I still had no taste for fashion.

"You can turn around." I wanted to point out, but my words got stuck in my throat when I noticed that he had already turned around.

I had focused on my dress the whole time and trusted it. Obviously this was a mistake.

-to be continued-

[becomewings]

The Most Beautiful Moment in Life <I’M FINE>

     BTS Universe Story Highlights, pt. 1 / 4

» pt. 2

Introduction

BTS Universe Story, a mobile game published by Netmarble, was released on September 24, 2020. While the majority of the app is essentially a sandbox and engine for users to create their own interactive stories, it also includes official and canon BU content. The first eight segments were introduced between the release date and December 2020, gathered under the title The Most Beautiful Moment in Life <I’M FINE>.

“I’m Fine” is half of the I’m Fine/Save Me ambigram introduced in the Love Yourself era. Notably, all of the BU content available in the game so far falls between events of the webtoon Save Me (also called HYYH0 in its logo) and The Notes 1—chronologically, that is, while bearing in mind that time resets to the morning of 11 April Year 22 whenever SeokJin fails to avert a tragedy among his six friends. I want to assure anyone who is unable to play the game that you are not missing any new, major plot beats from the overall BU narrative. Instead, the stories provide more insight into the motivations and consequences of SeokJin’s decisions in the earlier time loops, as well as more depth to individual characters and their circumstances.

The goal of this guide is to summarize each of the eight stories and highlight noteworthy details, especially if they are not yet present in other BU media. Within each story (which I often refer to as an arc, due to their character-focused nature), episodes must be played successively, but the stories themselves can be played in any order. I will present them over a series of posts in the order they are listed under the <I’M FINE> heading. The Prologue and NamJoon’s arc are free to play; the rest are paid content. Please note that due to the app’s Terms & Conditions, I will not include in-game footage here. The images in this guide are sourced from the official trailers/videos and the live action MVs as appropriate.

Content warning: contains references to death, suicide, suicidal ideation, child abuse, domestic violence, blood, homicide, depression, trauma, PTSD

This guide contains major spoilers and includes references to other BU media

Do not repost, copy, or quote without permission

Game Mechanic

Before diving into the summaries, I would like to address the primary mechanic of the game: the user’s control of character choices at designated moments in the stories. It’s a primary marketing point that the player can influence the progression of the narrative, with a frequent in-app tip also declaring, “stories’ endings can vary depending on your choices.” The latter is not strictly true—and it cannot be true due to the structure of the game. Choices are presented within most (not all) episodes, but each episode is an isolated unit: episode 2 provides the same content regardless of what you choose in episode 1. Since the consequences of your decisions are not cumulative, each episode reaches the same ending, and each decision inevitably rejoins the “main” story path (effectively reducing the script size).

So what is the point of this mechanic? While the system is not nearly as complex as what major platform titles are capable of nowadays (I suspect due in large part to the story creation portion of the game), it does foster a sense of interaction with the narrative that isn’t present in static visual media like comics or film. The episodes with choices also have incentive for replay to discover the impact of changing a character’s dialogue or action. Sometimes the differences between the outcomes are inconsequential, but other times you unearth new details, interactions, or memories that are missing in the other path.

I say this partially in reaction to all of the comments and tweets I read for the game trailers and even Smeraldo Book twitter’s choose-your-own-adventure style teasers with The Notes 2 excerpts released last summer. Many users expressed excitement, through words or memes, about finally being able to give the boys the happy ending they deserved. I don’t fault anyone for wanting that happy ending—I wish for it, too. But no matter what the rather overzealous marketing has claimed, I don’t believe that the canon ending of BU is ever meant to be in the audience’s control. But I do feel that this mechanism fits the BU narrative. It echoes the “countless loops” SeokJin has experienced in an effort to save his friends, the choices he must make at every crossroad, and the butterfly effect those actions have on all of their lives. I think it is reasonable to interpret the simple branching paths in the game as alternatives SeokJin has explored across multiple loops in his struggle to find the “right” way forward. I’d love to hear if you have theories of your own!

Prologue

The prologue is a brief episode introducing SeokJin’s repeated struggle and failure to save his friends. He wakes up yet again in his bed on 11 April Year 22, the beginning of the time loop. After reflecting on the tragedies that keep befalling the others, SeokJin realizes that he has only tried to fix the problems he can see. He wonders: “Have I tried to understand the root of my friends’ misfortunes? How much do I really know about my friends? Maybe I was never brave enough to confront their real scars and the worlds they’ve been living in. But I need to do it. Because it may be the key to saving them all.”

How to Offer a Hand

In this story, SeokJin attempts to prevent NamJoon’s arrest after he gets in a fight with a rude customer at Naeri Gas Station, his place of work. The first episode opens on the night of 11 April Year 22 with NamJoon curling his fists, glaring as crumpled bills lie untouched on the pavement. (The money looks similar to the shot from the I Need U MV.) SeokJin reaches for his shoulder, but NamJoon shrugs him off and strides away to punch the customer who deliberately dropped the bills for him to pick up. The gas station owner runs over at the customer’s furious shouts and orders NamJoon to apologize. He refuses, and police officers soon arrive and charge him with assault. No one listens to SeokJin’s protests that the customer started it first. The man sneers as NamJoon enters the police car. “Do you even have money for a settlement? Hey, you’re done for.” NamJoon is sentenced to prison again, and SeokJin hears glass shattering before the loop resets.

Rising from his bed on the morning of 11 April, SeokJin reflects on his failed efforts so far. He has hit the customer’s car, called for NamJoon in the middle of the incident, and stopped the fight himself, the latter of which caused his friends to avoid him later. The fight has even escalated; the details are unspecified, but the audience is provided an ominous shot of SeokJin speaking to a police officer alone at the scene. NamJoon is not the kind of person who would normally respond to that kind of provocation with his fists. SeokJin realizes that he cannot merely stop the fight but must discover and fix the true cause of it.

With this in mind, SeokJin heads to Naeri Gas Station during the day and tries to engage NamJoon. This is their first time meeting since they both returned to Songju, although SeokJin has experienced it in many loops already. “It’s been a while,” he greets (as he does at the end of the Blood Sweat & Tears Japanese version MV). Before SeokJin can dig deeper in their conversation, NamJoon is called away by his boss. SeokJin enters the small employee break room which serves as NamJoon’s living space when he’s not at the container, hoping to find some clues about his friend’s life. SeokJin locates something bundled in newspapers. If the player chooses to open it, he sees a strange shard of glass inside that may belong to a car or motorcycle headlight. He continues on, finding the book Cosmos by Carl Sagan and a notebook. SeokJin hesitates over the invasion of privacy but decides to read it since he needs all the information that he can gather. The journal entries detail NamJoon’s daily life since returning to Songju: his work at the gas station isn’t too bad despite the occasional rude customer; he purchased a book and hopes to get more in the future; he picked up a second job at a wedding hall to help catch up on bills; his brother NamHyeon got in trouble again, leading to more expenses; and his dad’s health has worsened, with hospital bills after an emergency surgery rising to levels that the family cannot afford. SeokJin knew that NamJoon was the de facto head of household due to his father’s illness but was unaware that it was to this degree. He feels sorry for NamJoon yet is also impressed by his maturity, for NamJoon never writes how difficult his situation is.

NamJoon arrives and asks what SeokJin is doing in the room. If the player chooses to answer “reading” instead of “just sitting there,” SeokJin privately observes that the conversation flows more easily when they talk about books. NamJoon says he must leave and declines when SeokJin offers to wait for him there. SeokJin knocks over a pile of books along with money and receipts as he stands. He thinks it is unusual that NamJoon picks up the books before the money. The books seem to be more than a hobby to NamJoon, holding special meaning. Walking to his car, SeokJin wonders if it is pride or determination not to falter that keeps NamJoon from journaling his grievances. He realizes that money is a constant source of frustration and misery to NamJoon, and that’s why he can’t stomach being insulted over the customer’s dropped money. SeokJin’s new plan is to prevent NamJoon from picking up the money. He also calls Palgok County Hospital and offers to pay the patient bill for NamJoon’s father. Anticipating that NamJoon will be angry if he finds out, SeokJin says the payer is Songho Foundation.

That night, SeokJin returns to the gas station with the excuse that he forgot to fill up earlier. The luxury car arrives with a honk, and NamJoon hurries over to assist. He shakes with anger when the customer drops the money on the ground. “Why aren’t you picking it up? You don’t want it? What’s with that look? Pretty arrogant for a part-timer, aren’t you?” goads the customer. SeokJin intervenes. Whether the player chooses to have him advise NamJoon not to pick it up or to order the customer to pick it up himself, the end result is the same. SeokJin asks the customer, “Why are you harassing a pitiful part-timer?” The customer drives away, and something about NamJoon seems off. His face is expressionless, not mad or humiliated. “SeokJin, you…” He stops. “Never mind. Thank you for your help.” The words sound difficult for him to speak.

SeokJin believes that he has saved NamJoon, although this ending feels sloppy. He continues on in the loop to rescue JungKook and later YoonGi, but uneasiness plagues him. Though he meant to help NamJoon with his actions, SeokJin wonders if he hurt him instead. On 5 May Year 22, he returns to the gas station and follows NamJoon when he leaves work early. NamJoon enters a bookstore, and SeokJin sneaks in after him to watch from afar. He overhears employees talking about NamJoon, worrying that he might dirty the pages of the book he’s perusing. NamJoon is too absorbed in the book to notice one of them calling for his attention. SeokJin recalls a memory from their school days when he found NamJoon reading alone in their classroom hideout: he asked why NamJoon read so diligently, and his friend explained that he found it comforting to empty his thoughts of everything else while focused on the book. In the present, SeokJin wonders how he forgot how much books mean to NamJoon. He sacrifices some of his food and transportation budget to afford them, but they enable him “to endure the weight of the world he’s forced to bear on his shoulders.” After realizing this, SeokJin wants to apologize for carelessly sympathizing with the reality that NamJoon has weathered alone.

The next episode is from NamJoon’s perspective, revealing his excitement over being able to purchase a book for the first time in two months. He wants to buy two but can only afford one. The employee at the register sighs and asks why he leafed through a book he wasn’t going to buy. NamJoon apologizes, and she mutters, “So dirty.” He notices his reflection, clothes worn and smelling of gasoline, and realizes she’s talking about him, not the book. He tries to shake off these depressing thoughts, but he is still not accustomed to this treatment despite experiencing it regularly at work. As NamJoon begins to exit the store, the security alarm goes off. The employees demand to check his bag despite his insistence that he didn’t steal anything. Their certainty of his theft angers him. NamJoon allows them to look through his bag, and they are suspicious of the like-new book in it which he brought from home. One begins to call the police until SeokJin appears, vouching for NamJoon by saying he saw everything. The employees accept that the alarm malfunctioned and excuse their suspicions as a mistake.

Outside, SeokJin asks NamJoon if he is all right. NamJoon is thankful but wonders how SeokJin materialized right when he needed him. “How’d you find me here?” he asks aloud. SeokJin explains that he happened to notice him while walking through the neighborhood. NamJoon wonders if it’s because they said goodbye on a weird note last time. He thanks him and turns to leave. SeokJin calls after him. “I’m sorry. I wanted to apologize. I didn’t mean to upset you that day at the gas station. It was a mistake to have called you pitiful. If my rash actions hurt you, I’m really sorry.” NamJoon accepts his apology, believing it to be sincere, and says that things would have turned out a lot worse if SeokJin had not intervened. Thunder rolls overhead, and NamJoon uses the impending rain as his excuse to depart. He declines SeokJin’s offer of a ride and runs home, feeling his friend’s eyes on him.

Before he can settle down to read at home, NamJoon receives a call from his cheerful mother. She thanks him for paying off the entire hospital bill. NamJoon is perplexed and asks what’s on the receipt, since he didn’t pay it. His mother wants to leave it be, but he insists that they investigate so they don’t get in trouble or sued. She reads that the Songho Foundation is credited as the payer. NamJoon calls the hospital, introducing himself as the guardian for Kim YoungMin, but they can’t transfer him to the administrative department at this time. Disappointed, he looks up the foundation’s website, unable to recall why it sounds familiar. He wonders why a scholarship foundation in the city would get involved with him. Spotting photos of a recent launch ceremony on the site, he recognizes a few people: Songju High School’s principal, the familiar-looking face of the foundation’s chairman, and SeokJin. First, NamJoon forces a laugh, and then it’s difficult for him to breathe. He thinks that SeokJin really had pitied him at that moment. The only thing keeping NamJoon going is the idea of getting through life on his own strength. Why does he have to live like this?

The last episode opens on 5 May back in SeokJin’s perspective. He is confident now that he has saved NamJoon, although it occurs to him that a better alternative may have been to simply pick up the money himself instead of stepping forward. (This decision is enacted in a later loop and depicted in the Euphoria MV.) While reflecting on what comes next to save his other friends, he receives a text from NamJoon. “What’s your account number? I’ll pay you back for the hospital bills. I don’t need your help. I’ll handle my concerns on my own.” Heart sinking, SeokJin wonders how he found out. With a sense of foreboding, he tries calling NamJoon, but no one answers. SeokJin texts him back, pretending that he doesn’t understand, and tells NamJoon to call him. SeokJin’s second attempt connects while he’s gathering his car keys to visit the container. “That’s enough. Just send the account number over text,” NamJoon instructs. SeokJin coaxes him to talk for a moment, and NamJoon asks flatly, “Are you going to apologize again?” SeokJin attempts to salvage the situation, but his friend turns cold when he insists that NamJoon is misunderstanding and that he just wanted to help. “So, why? Why are you helping me?! Yeah, you’re always a good person. You’ve done nothing wrong and I’m the one misunderstanding.” SeokJin apologizes again. NamJoon refuses his request to meet in person. “No, I thought maybe there was a reason for everything you did… But I guess I misconstrued it. I’ll pay you back, so I’d prefer if you stopped contacting me.” Long after the call ends, SeokJin stands holding his phone, feeling that the glass is going to break at any moment. He wants to believe that it’s not over, but hope is slipping through his fingertips.

The episode finishes in NamJoon’s perspective. On 8 May and 9 May, he accepts part-time delivery work and reflects on his three jobs. Whenever he thinks he’s at his breaking point, he focuses on his new goal of returning SeokJin’s money. On 10 May, NamJoon wakes up to his buzzing phone and is called in to work. On a scooter, he passes by a bus stop and notices graffiti. (This is the same bus stop, with matching graffiti, that appears in the Highlight Reel.) Mesmerized, he wonders if it’s TaeHyung’s. As soon as NamJoon looks up, the scooter’s brake fails, and he crashes. The shattered glass on the cold pavement reminds him of the headlight shard and the kid who looked like TaeHyung. (So the piece of glass SeokJin saw in April was really a memento NamJoon retrieved from the scene of the crash in the mountain town, where the delivery boy whom he privately called TaeHyung died. This event is described in NamJoon’s 17 December Year 21 entry in The Notes 1.) NamJoon’s vision grows blurry, and the distant sound of an ambulance doesn’t come any closer.

The arc concludes there, but it obviously marks another reset for SeokJin. It is interesting to note that in this failed loop, NamJoon suffers the same fate that he narrowly avoided in the snowy mountain town before returning to Songju.

Please stay tuned for the next Highlights post featuring JungKook and YoonGi!

[papers4me]

Fruits Basket, Se3, ep11 (part 1)

Breaking toxic bonds & accepting healthy ones isn’t a miracle. A bond that started with love could end up chained & toxic, another that started wrong could’ve become the joy of a life time. You can do it. Break the cycle of abuse & stand up for yourself, it is easy yet so difficult, you aren’t alone, tho, loved ones stand nearby cheering. Be kind on yourself, otherwise you’ll throw your life away. Life isn’t just happiness & joy, it’s also sadness & loneliness. Break free from the shackles that held you down. Embrace life & Live.

-Tohru’s “ I’m okay” mask is finally shattered! (the Importance of kyo’s rejection for her development):

This is the last part of tohru’s character development! The last few eps were abt her role in Akito’s redemption & their similarities. she staood up for herself & choose a path away from her mom while keeping her mom’s memory in a healthy manner. No more planning my life according to mom’s wishes, no more talking to mom ‘s picture 24/7. Now, I’ll plan my life & move forward even if it is with the guy mom said she cant forgive. even If it is without him, I’ll move forward. I love him so much, yet I won’t force our bond & let go. So easy yet so difficult!. tohru doesnt know anything abt kyo after her fall. All she remembers is his heart-broken face as he wept beside her. Those tears on his face, she caused them. He cried cuz it is too painful to see her hurt. She was a burden to him! tohru restored to her old coping mechanism of pretending “ i’m Okay” & smiling. She did so numerous times before. Always worked. No one noticed. Except him. Se02, ep7. he urged her to show her true fears. Now, she’s faced with a pain so big she can’t pretend no more. the pain of loosing him. She cried in front of yuki! The smile & chatting abt chores couldn’t conceal the running tears! Yuki’s first time seeing her like that. Se01, ep14, yuki wondered how could tohru smile after her mom’s death. She can’t pretend no more! She’ll have to wear her feelings on her sleeve! cuz it IS ok to do so! She tells kyo to give her a moment to compose herself. She couldn’t lie & pretend like she did with yuki. Here she either run away or just try to compose myself! I LOVE THAT! This way, whenever kyo/tohru fight or have any misunderstanding in the future as a couple, you’ll know tohru won’t just bear it & pretend, “ i;m okay” No! she’ll talk to kyo & express herself! I LOVE THIS SO MUCH! It gives her so much strength as a human & I’m happy all the obstacles & set backs in kyo/tohru’s romantic journey has led them to be better ppl little by little to build healthier & more realistic love! 

-The mechanics of writing a compelling slow-burn romance:

1. Igniting the romantic feelings slowly: Slow burns don’t work with love at 1st sight. It must first sparkle naturally, slowly & subtly. Both kyo & tohru repeatedly stated they don’t know exactly when they first fell in love. The author’s decision to create an environment where the two live together is a genius way to start & nurture their romance quietly & subtly. Kyo was tricked to stay in shigure’s house while tohru had to stay cuz she had no home, Natural reasons that force the two to spend days together & get to know each other gradually.

2. Dynamics of their personalities: For slow burns to work, the two characters need to be similar yet opposites! Kyo & tohru are both kind, endearing, innocent, good at chores, independent & hardworking. They both have history with their mothers that is filled with love yet traumas. However, tohru is calm yet prefer maneuvering around subjects, can’t stand up for herself, reads ppl easily, tends to trust ppl easily & disregard herself. Kyo is fierce, strong, tends to distrust ppl, despite ppl loving his spontaneous character, he has hard time figuring out if they’re mocking him or teasing him, very straightforward with his words & actions. The similarities helps them understand each other, however, the differences creates chances to clash & come even closer thro various situation. Ex, se01, ep2, kyo apologizing for hitting her head with the table which created the situation where she needed to confess she always loved the cat zodiac! It is HER gush of emotions that struck kyo. ppl really want my friendship? the cat is loved? Thro those difference they learned to better themselves so they won’t hurt the other, kyo toning down his anger for her, tohru desiring to know him even more as he becomes even more awkward.

3. Creating natural, realistic  & convincing obstacles that prevents them from being together:  This is the most important part! Slow-burn is two characters in love & cant be together despite everyone wanting them to be! if the reason that stops them from uniting is trivial, stupid, one-sided, can easily be solved, then the slow-burn would be a fillery & no one would cheer for it! Takaya-san is a genius!

Kyo can’t be with tohru cuz he thinks (a) he killed her mom! we saw thr flashback, he could’ve saved her & couldn’t save her. It was a split of a second difference & he hates himsef for NOT trying! that split of a second also prevented from thinking of better ways to save her than holding her! it happened to fast, he couldn't think of a better alternative cuz this was his 2nd time loosing someone (b) his mom’s sucide being pinned as his fault created this immense guilt & defeated feeling that “ no matter what, I just cause death & misery! There’s (c) too!, he knew tohru! thinks she deserves the world & cuz he didnt save her mom, he watched tohru talk to a freaking picture for two years! heck! he is the only one who can see thro tohru’s “ i;m okay” mask, so in se01, ep 14 in the grave yard! kyo wasnt the only one who is sad! tohru was too! & kyo could tell! (d) her mom’s death is the reason tohru is accepting shigure’s offer to stay with them rent-free in exchange of doing housework! (e)? he saw her confess crying her heart out abt missing her mom so much that she imitated her dad! so tragicly sad! (f) he saw her die in his nightmare!! how can he accept her love,now? Perfectly orchestrated obstacles! 

Tohru, unfortunately, in the anime it wasn't that clear due to shortening her backstories & trauma in se03, ep6. But she too couldn’t see herself confessing love to kyo. Tohru is has low self-esteem, always thinks she’s a burden to others, an orphan who just wants her mom, so scared, lonely & sad! we the audience believed the mask! we saw her work her motherly charm yuki, isusuz, kisa & believe her issues are not that deep.  tohru wont cry for herself but shed rivers for others! grief is so ugly it broke her! I cant let go of mom, must keep her always in my heart, such a hard emotions to write & I believe 100% the director couldn’t understand her grief & decided to split ep6 between her, kyo, isuzu & shigure. But Tohru struggling to confess to kyo is no laughing matter. ppl who are grieving find it the hardest to live after the loved ones die. they wont mostly commit suicide, they are alive, but they arent living. they just go thro the motions & live for the sake of those around them but not themselves. Tohru deciding to confess to kyo is her deciding to live for herself.

4. Writing a perfect psychologically & emotionally packed climax: I dont need to explain how perfect kyo’s rejection of tohru in se03 ep9 was. How much we felt for him yet were mad at him. He we were “ ugh! kyo no!!!! I mean I get why you do that , but you idiot no! come back! poor kyo! He was just so sad & broken! OMG he’ll kill himself after finding tohru’s injured body!! he totally would! his nightmare came true! But Tohru reached him! she wanted him to be okay! he wont kill himself but still feels hella guilty! but so utterly in love with her that his instinct upon seeing her come to life after near death is kiss her! Perfect display of psychology & emotions! filled with right, wrong, sad, happy, guilty, innocent! basically so human~ As the audience you MUST have this mixture of feelings of wanting to hug him so bad cuz this boy has been killing himself for years now yet want him to stop & just see that he was a good boy afterall. Tohru is THE best girl & if the audience are cheering for kyo to be with her, kyo really deserves her! The only problem is for kyo to see that now.

5. The Perfect wrap up of all romance: If you make your audience suffer the slow-burn this long, you gotta reward them good! & Takaya-san delivered! Just like how the entire romantic story is realistic, the reunion must be as realistic too! Tohru is hurt by kyo;s words. Facts remain his words were hurtful to her. I love that was addressed! tohru gets to tell her side, too! If you love someone, you are bound to be hurt by them as much as be happy with them. Simply cuz they matter so much to you! you arent one person, but two ppl coming together. Kyo must work hard for this confession. Must run & chase her. Must earn her proper! He gets on his knees, I cant express how important that is! he is way taller than her, Imagine apologizing while she looks way up & he looks down? He gets on his knees & apologize like a man, for every mistake, all while not loathing himself. He aint going back to that deep abyss again. He did wrong by her & he is owning up to his mistakes. Give me one chance. I’m not gonna force you with persistence or guilt you into taking me. Give me ONE chance cuz i deserve it & no more. The choice is yours. She asks to confirm, he shows her, they kiss, they hug, they are rewarded with a blessing from the heavens! One of the most simple yet emotionally fulfilling confessions in anime!

- Hugs over kisses: (And her kiss hugs her & the curse was lifted):

Prince charming kisses the princess & she wakes up~ they live ever after~ except furuba is all abt “ eternal ever after is not true, real life is where the real love is”

Kyo kissed tohru once, she didnt wake up, she didnt even think he loved her back. didnt even remember the kiss.

Kyo hugged tohru once. se01, e024, He initiated it, tohru was all in tears, surprised, happy & so utterly in love. he called her name for the first time ever, for a brief moment, they both connected, they both comforted each other. The rain stopped, he became a man not a monster, she got him back. She got her kyo that she fought for with none other than kyo himself.

kyo hugged her again, se03, ep6. They both initiated it. He made the first move, pulling her just a little closer, she made the second move & hugged him hard, he transformed, it was a moment were they both connected, both so sad & broken, both feeling needy for the other, both desperate for the other, both just living the moment. the result is them coming closer, her wanting him more, him realizing her love, there is no escape. Admit it. she loves you. You can tell.

Kyo hugs her again today. He asks permission. No spur of the moment feeling. But a long lasting permission to be together. To hug. He wants to hear her acceptance of his cursed body. “ is ok to hug you? this body will cause you pain as it wont be able to fulfill your wishes of constant hugs & intimacy”. She responds, permission granted, for love, for hugs, for a life long acceptance of you as a whole. weakness & strength, sadness & happiness. I accept you all in better & worse! we’re invincible. Why? cuz we understand love isnt magic. It is a path for us to walk together~~~ reward curse break!

Every time kyoru are closer it is a hug. The one thing the zodiacs cant do. A hug. They can kiss. But cant hug. comes this Zodiac Ruler girl so lonely, away from ppl, so sad, meets a cat boy who comes to the house she’s living in, a house away from ppl, the boy is drawn to the girl, However, when the boy needed to leave, the girl was able to let go despite loving him, the boy comes again, this time wanting to stay, the girl accepts the boy. They both accept the realistic reality of life. Embrace the obstacles & the achievements, celebrates the weakness above the strength. Both so imperfect. Both so endearingly dumb! that’s why the girl’s hug broke the boy’s curse. The girl’s acceptance of the cat broke all curses.

Side Note:

Kyo’s confession is so kyo! so straightforward, so direct, & so physical. He’s on his knees, holding her hands, looking at her eyes. “ i want to be WITH you. If I’m gona live, I want to to do it with you & no one else! cuz I love you” that’s it. That’s all.  So sincere & so romantic!

it is crazy how different tohru & kyo are now after the confession! she stood confidently & happily & said “dont you know, I love you!” all while teasing him, her giggle is so girlish & cute! my girl is a happy woman in love! long buried the angelic mother image of se02! YES! also, kyo’s happy face is love! Dude! when was the last time he smiled so freely? Did he ever do that? He smiled in se01, ep4 with kazmua, but not like this! T_T. my son is healing~

Kyo’s “ i wont ever feel afraid if you’re with me” is a huge growth from his “ I want to protect her” mindset. Now he realizes it is two-sided mutual desire. She gives him strength as much as he does! <3

I dont like open eye while kissing, but here it is so perfect for tohru in this moment! cuz she spent days thinking kyo rejected her & even ran away as soon as she saw him, now he’s not only confessing, apologizing, admitting she is his life, but also kissing her signaling they’re romantic couple. kissing on lips is so personal, what more evidence she needs? still, her thoughts? “ it’s like a dream?” aww~~~ tohru~~~ my precious girl! she just cant believe all her suffering is over, now? She was just practicing “ i’m okay” smile & now she’s an official girlfriend to the man of her dreams? He just bent da kneeee~ go for it queen!

yuki’s face when tohru cried is exactly what I meant of “ allowing yuki to have strong facial expressions”! XD these types of faces humanize yuki so much into the teenage boy he is! Unfortunately the anime team only sees him as the pretty prince in most times. That’s why fave yuki is when he’s with kakeru. He becomes so un-princly as he should be.

Speaking of yuki, I see you anime team~ postponing his moment into next ep so him & machi wont be overshadowed by the long awaited kyoru!! While this defies the perfection of all cursed zodiacs breaking on the same ep making akito’s breakdown less perfect & poetic, I take it as the anime team admitting they underdeveloped yuchi & decided let’s give them more screen time & not putting them in close distance from any couple. A week later ep is enough with lots of time. I dont mind at all, I’m just saying more time after/while confession is not what i was hoping for~~ sigh~ At least I hope yuki would say sth along the lines” all this time I was looking at you, i realized i love you” to imply he was thinking of her as a lover not his kindness for someone he helped. I just dont want their love to be sudden simply cuz yuki needs happy ending. oh well~ I’m sure whatever it will be, the anime will give it utmost attention.

That sad moment when kagura wasnt allowed a moving image. lol. girl was given a still image that didnt even move with the breeze! T_T

Not gonna lie... the scene with kazuma & kyo was underwhelming. Why the wide shot? I mean you dont need budget for that. Just give me a closeup from the waist up with kyo head buried in kazuma’s chest. Dont need to waste budget on kazuma’s face, either.... do the old trick of hair covering eyes & show me glittery tears~  why the awkward shot of kazma towering in his own house! how tall is this man & why cant he he fix his roof?...lol

Also, shigure, you got scars man... who can hurt shigure? akito? gotta be her. I dont think hatori scratches...lol.. Aya? nah~ too busy with Mine! yup, akito... another steamy night? could be, she’s changed as he wish now. But scratching a face is weird while..um..kissing? a quarrel? but why? I bet she wants him now & we know he wants her....

More on part 2! especially abt the curse’s lore~

[chouetteffraie]

The Inherent Romanticism of Headpats - Why Ship Dazatsu

I was scrolling through the dark corners of bsd tumblr and came across a few “Why I Ship (blank)” posts and thought I’d like to try and articulate my unending love for dazatsu in a similar fashion! Please note that I am in no way trying to steal the spotlight from other ships or trying to claim that dazatsu is “better” - it’s just my favorite and I wanna talk about them! Also, I physically cannot talk about them without a shipper’s bias - I’ve had them in my heart since like late 2016. This is ingrained into my spirit.

So, without further ado, let’s talk about why I ship dazatsu (and why you should too). yes i’m kidding about that last part.

warning for manga spoilers and headers that would make amazing fic titles. tag me if you use one. manga pictures taken from dazaiscans and easygoingscans.

1. The Promise to be Good

hehehe let’s start with maybe the most obvious one that is, arguably, the most canon fact about these two. Just because I choose to view it as romantic doesn’t mean it IS - but it is certainly a beautiful aspect of their relationship and yes it makes me soft every time I think about it.

We all know Dazai’s past and what inspired him to make the switch from the Port Mafia to the side that saves people - Odasaku. No matter what you say, it’s obvious that Oda and Dazai have a very close, meaningful relationship - and arguably, Odasaku had the biggest impact (and the most importance?) in Dazai’s life. When Oda told Dazai to leave the Port Mafia, to go make something beautiful with his life - he did. And it’s those words alone that keep him motivated to stay in his job and help protect the city - because he loves it, maybe, but because someone he loves urged him to.

Dazai, despite what his strange poetry may make you believe, is only human. As much as those words mean to him, he gets discouraged.

Along comes Atsushi, the starving tiger boy by the river. Atsushi is an orphan parallels to oda saving the orphans already, and he was in dire need of someone to save him. So, Dazai did. Whether it was because of the tiger or Odasaku’s last words, Dazai saved Atsushi and gave him life. He provided food, shelter, a means to provide for himself - even companionship. Everything Atsushi has, it started with Dazai picking him up off the riverbed and lugging him along. What’s more, Dazai didn’t just turn him over to somebody else - he presented a case to Fukuzawa to keep him and serves as his mentor. Further along in the canon story, he provides Atsushi with the emotional guidance that he needs (Portrait of a Father, anyone? Let’s cry over that for a second.) He doesn’t just give Atsushi a moment’s care - he helps him build himself up, he supports him, and together, they protect the people of Yokohama.

Atsushi is living, breathing proof that Dazai is living up to his promise to be a good man. Even better, he seems to be perfectly happy with confirming that yes, Dazai is good, whenever Dazai needs it.

In this way, they complete each other. They provide a source of comfort that nobody else has been able to. Atsushi is Dazai’s proof that he is doing the one thing he wants to do, more than anything - be what Odasaku wanted.

2. You Saved Me, We Save Each Other

Keeping that in mind, Atsushi is sort of Dazai’s reward for being good. Now, I’m not implying Dazai is owed Atsushi at all - to an extent, you could argue Atsushi is maybe even too good for Dazai. But Dazai is trying to be a good man, and Atsushi is the one who tells him and reaffirms his efforts and gives him that praise, that recognition, that reward for being good. Dazai’s main inspiration to stay on the light(er) side is Odasaku - but that doesn’t mean that Atsushi can’t become another huge driving force that makes Dazai want to stay on that path. Oda motivates him, gives him the reason to start. Atsushi can be the prize that makes trying worth it when he tends to forget. 

Atsushi saves Dazai. He saves him from his self-doubt, and from the world that gives him every reason to believe he has failed in his promise. If anything, that promise might be Dazai’s strongest lifeline. By reinforcing the line, Atsushi is saving Dazai.

And of course, Dazai saves Atsushi. He did literally save him by the river, and he helps teach Atsushi how to Not Die by virtue of being his mentor, but it’s more than that. Dazai has been the one to save Atsushi from his own mind time and time again. He provides a reason for Atsushi to believe he has (or is) earned/earning the right to live. Atsushi isn’t entirely over his desire to prove himself worthy - but Dazai is always the one to tell him that he has succeeded in his goal. Dazai is the one to say “You’ve proven yourself. You deserve the life you’re living.”

3. You Learn Something New Every Day

As Atsushi’s mentor, Dazai naturally teaches Atsushi things. But beyond the simple strategic battlefield lessons, Dazai has been there for Atsushi multiple times to help him address and begin to overcome his trauma. Sure, some efforts are worse than the others (dazatsu stans just wipe our memories of the train station scene and that’s valid and sexy of us i think.) But in times when Atsushi is clearly distressed, Dazai has been there to help him through it. He’s helped Atsushi sort through his grief, and he’s helped Atsushi start to see that his feelings are valid and that he’s allowed to live a fulfilling life.

Atsushi isn’t the only one learning, though! That’s one of the best parts of the ship - Atsushi teaches Dazai, too. Dazai has spent a long time feeling as though nobody will understand him intimately, or as deeply as Odasaku did. But Atsushi is getting there. He’s one of the closest to it, I think. From saying things like Dazai is a good man, to picking up on Dazai’s feelings at Oda’s grave in Dead Apple, and even the end scene when Dazai asked Atsushi directly if he thought he was a good person and Atsushi said without hesitation “Sure, why?” Atsushi teaches Dazai that he is human. He teaches Dazai that he is capable of feeling and forming close, intimate connections. They help the other learn about the areas they need to, and in both cases, they’re becoming patient teachers and prized pupils.

4. I’ll Listen When Nobody Else Will

Everybody knows how Dazai is often brushed off when talking about dying. People have brought up that the agency just has faith in his resilience, but that doesn’t meant that they aren’t acting without care towards Dazai. Atsushi does this too - in the very first episode, Dazai’s attempt at suicide is just taken with him being exasperated at his antics before pushing him down. But here’s the thing - it’s generally agreed upon that Atsushi is the one who is sent out to find Dazai. Atsushi is the one who knows where to find him. Arguably, Atsushi is the one that will listen to Dazai. He’s becoming the one who can not only pick apart Dazai’s mannerisms and slightest tells - he isn’t proficient, but he’s working on it - but he’s the one that treats them with care.

I’ve spent a lot of time noting similarities between the understanding Atsushi has of Dazai to the understanding Dazai’s truest friend had to him. Here’s one thing that separates Oda from Atsushi, and for me, it’s one of the major reasons why I personally ship one more than the other: Odasaku didn’t push Dazai the way Atsushi does. Both Oda and Atsushi have a way of laying out a field for Dazai to talk and bounce his thoughts off of, no matter how cryptically they come out. But Atsushi asks questions, he prods at the darkest corners of Dazai and he allows Dazai to question himself so he can continue to grow. Where Oda gave Dazai a place to feel comfortable in where he was, Atsushi gives Dazai a space to feel comfortable as he grows, which is what he needs in order to continue being a good man.

And please note, this isn’t me saying dazatsu or Atsushi is better than odazai or Odasaku. What I mean to say is this is where the difference lies, and Atsushi gives Dazai what he needs now - something he might not have needed without Odasaku’s urging to leave.

5. Guiding Light

When two characters are each other’s north star, where is there not romance? Dazai is very much Atsushi’s main source of guidance, a side effect of being his mentor for sure - but it’s more than just asking questions. Their relationship runs deep into Atsushi’s train of thought, to the point where Atsushi hallucinates Dazai’s presence when he feels uncertain. Any time Atsushi needs guidance or reassurance, he looks to Dazai. 

This is more shipper goggle-y, but I like to believe Atsushi does the same for Dazai. I’ve said over and over again that above all else, Atsushi is Dazai’s proof that he is being good. I also like to think that Atsushi, in a way, is a ray of light for Dazai to follow. He’s selfless (although for some reasons that deserve to be readjusted), he’s kind, and he loves life - all life. He’s a sunbeam in action that provides a perfect example for what Dazai could be and is trying to be - and if this light is happy with keeping Dazai close, maybe there’s hope for him after all.

6. What Makes Life Worth Living

Atsushi and Dazai are opposites in once major aspect: Atsushi has a sort of reverence for life, whereas Dazai craves to escape it. These are two major points of their characters - but here’s the kicker. Dazai wants to get close to human emotion. He wants to understand what makes life worth living. Atsushi is quite possibly the strongest candidate to show him what he can do and how loving life can help. I’m not saying that Atsushi is Dazais’ fix-it-all elixir, but he has a good chance to gently prod at Dazai and get him thinking.

Atsushi can show Dazai what makes life worth living. And that’s something that I think would do Dazai a world of good.

7. Can I Change for the Better?

ATSUSHI! INSISTS! DAZAI! IS! GOOD! I will not ever diminish this point because it is so important! Dazai seems to have it in his head that his blood is mafia black, that he can play the charade of a good man but will never be more than an actor playing a part. Atsushi, though - Atsushi is constantly telling him that he is good. Atsushi, who probably couldn’t keep up a lie for that long because the poor boy has zero tact. Dazai even asks Atsushi frequently if he’s a good person, and Atsushi always says yes. Atsushi gives Dazai what he needs to hear.

Atsushi, however, has his own issues. He has his own trauma to tackle, and his own bad habits to reform to become a better person. Atsushi isn't’ a bad person, but he also isn’t the best version of himself. Dazai can help him become that. Dazai can give him the guidance he needs, as he did with sorting through his grief surrounding the headmaster. Dazai can help Atsushi start the battle against his past, and he has been there with him every step of the way, whether in body or spirit. They help each other be better.

8. I Trust You With What I Love Most

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again - the toast they added to the end of season 3 is one of the most tender moments Dazai has ever had with anybody. One thing Dazai never does is let people in on his past - not past the necessary details, anyway, and especially not the intimate moments he holds in his heart. But sharing that toast with Atsushi - inviting him in to the toast he shared with Oda and Ango, “To the stray dogs,” - it’s one of his most vulnerable times on screen. I don’t care what you say. Dazai deliberately letting Atsushi in, giving him this tiny piece of his past he’s had tucked away in a safe place - that was him offering up a piece of his heart. I’m soft just thinking about it again.

Other than that, Dazai has an enormous faith in Atsushi. He’s built entire plans trusting that Atsushi will do his job perfectly the way it needs to be done. Hell, towards the end of the Guild arc, it was his faith in Atsushi to bring the doll down to him that convinced Twain they were beat. Not to mention, Dazai has trusted Atsushi enough to form a new partnership without him in order to protect the city - and if that’s not one of the most blatant displays of trust and faith you’ve seen, I don’t know what is.

9. There’s a Softness Within Me I Didn’t Know I Had

Another thing that’s good for Dazai - Atsushi is comfortable. Dazai can let his guard down, just a tiny bit, around Atsushi, There was the graveyard scene in Dead Apple, or the toast scene at the end of season 3 - those are moments where Atsushi has given himself a moment to relax and show Atsushi how proud he is. This kind of emotion, this vulnerability that says ‘I’ve been hoping you’d pull through and look at how amazing you’ve become’ - there’s a softness that holds that Dazai doesn’t hold for anybody else. It’s a gentleness or pride, of trust, of somebody becoming more than you could ever imagine and coming back to you, even thanking you - it’s a sensation nobody else has given Dazai, because nobody else has been a protege as trustworthy and gentle as Atsushi.

(and, believe me, there’s a hundred other examples of the softness in the anime, manga, official art, and so much more. here’s a thread that you can still add to if you want)

Atsushi is also soft with Dazai. He wants to make him proud, sure, but there isn’t any fear once their job is done. Atsushi doesn’t have to fear horrible repercussions if he makes one misstep - Dazai allows him to learn, to grow, and to feel however he seems fit (or, it’s a skill he’s improving at as the series goes on.)

They give each other a safety to feel vulnerable. They are comfortable to each other. And, of course, they have a special softness for the other that they do not hold for anybody else.

10. My Mistakes are the Cracks You Have a Knack for Fixing

Again, Atsushi is always there to reassure Dazai that he can be a good man. One part of this is that he insist that Dazai’s past doesn’t have to affect his future. He’s one of the only people who tells Dazai that he doesn’t hold him accountable for what he’s done before - he’s Dazai-san now, and that’s what matters to Atsushi. Atsushi gives Dazai the most space to fix these mistakes, to move past them, and to learn from them, not holding them against him at all.

In the same way Atsushi is Dazai’s proof that he’s being a good man, he is also Dazai’s proof that he can fix the mistakes he made. (Of course, I’m not excusing the way he strings anybody along - but the first step to fixing a mistake is admitting you have made one and working on yourself, and that’s what Atsushi allows him to do.)

In conclusion, I think Dazatsu is so soft and amazing because it’s about the healing and acceptance. BSD is all about gray morality, and dazatsu is a soft ship that can take each other’s bad and accept them. It’s not only about seeing the darkest side of somebody - it’s about accepting those flaws but also giving them space to grow. They grow and they learn and they heal together. They ensure that the other never has to go through a drastic change alone. In a way, they can be home for the other, a refuge from the shitty cards life has dealt them and a steady lifeline to reach for a better tomorrow. That’s why I love dazatsu - because I can’t see another situation with nearly as much love and trust as they have. They are tender, they can be vulnerable, and they can heal. 

Like the beautiful sunset hours the met in, they celebrated in, they console each other in, they allow the other to turn the page on their past and start anew, with a clean canvas for a dazzling display that they can make together.

[keykeylocke]

Start-Up Review

Warning: Spoilers

Rating: 1 / 3 

This drama made me angry. I didn’t even watch the last three episodes. I rebuke everything that happened after the 3 year time jump. Han Ji-Pyeong deserved better.

Summary

Seo Dal-Mi is twelve years old. Her parents have recently divorced. She chooses to stay with her father in Korea, while her older sister In-Jae moves to America with their mother and stepfather. 

Dal-Mi’s grandmother, Won-Deuk is the owner of a hot dog shop. With her mother leaving, Grandma becomes concerned about Dal-Mi. 

One day Grandma meets an orphan named Han Ji-Pyeong. Ji-Pyeong has aged out of the orphanage, but cannot find an apartment to rent, because he is only 17. He won’t go to college for a few months and needs a place to stay in the meantime. Grandma offers him a place to sleep in the back of the hot dog shop, unbeknownst to her family. 

In exchange for her kindness Ji-Pyeong agrees to write letters to Dal-Mi posing as a student her age, named Nam Do-San. A name they chose from an article in the newspaper. Grandma thinks these letters will cheer up Dal-Mi who is dealing with feeling abandoned by her mother and sister. It works. Dal-Mi feels comforted by Ji-Pyeong’s letters. However, when Ji-Pyeong goes to college the letters suddenly stop. 

Fifteen years later, Dal-Mi is feeling unfulfilled in her life. She longs for the comfort she felt from her pen pal and first love Nam Do-San. She goes on a search to find him, but who will she find, Han Ji-pyeong who wrote the letters or Nam Do-San the young math genius whose name Grandma and Ji-Pyeong randomly found in the paper?

Song Suggestion: Lie by BTS Jimin

Grandma and Ji-Pyeong were caught in a lie.

Also did anyone think the male hacker twin looked like Jimin. His hairstyle and his colorful sweaters and earrings were giving me Park Jimin vibes.

Likes

-Kim Seon Ho’s acting. I was already a fan of his, because I watched him in 100 Days My Prince. He is actually the only reason why I considered watching this drama. I saw him in the trailer and decided to watch it. 

-Good visuals. All the shots filmed near the Han River looked so beautiful. It made me want to visit Seoul one day.

-The secret of the letter made the story interesting. As a viewer you wanted to know when and how Dal-Mi would find out. (Although the letters were a good plot device. I sometimes felt like I was watching the most elaborate episode of MTV’s Catfish.)

-I liked that this drama took on social topics like suicide, how techological advancements can negatively effect older workers, and how companies can take advantage of young workers with passion pay.

Dislikes

-3 year time jump. It didn’t seem like any character grew over the three years. 

-Ji-Pyeong being blamed for Yong-San’s brother’s death.

-The letters were not discussed by Dal-Mi and Ji-Pyeong or Dal-Mi and Grandma. They became insignificant for several episodes. Then, at the end of the series Do-San uses it as some sort of power grab between him and Ji-Pyeong.

-Do-San fighting Ji-Pyeong. It was not Ji-Pyeong’s fault that the deal with 2STO fell through. Do-San never actually told the rest of Samsan Tech that Alex met with him privately and tried to recruit him to 2STO by himself.

-Samsan Tech constantly complained about Ji-Pyeong when he only told them the truth about their company. Ji-Pyeong told them they didn’t know how to market Do-San’s technology and make it profitable. He was right. They literally used his idea to form a nonprofit type of service. They were helping the visually impaired, but they were not making money. Ji-Pyeong also said they would never find an investor for the company. He was right about that too. They only got Morning Group to invest, because they blackmailed them and 2STO did not invest in Samsan Tech, they dissolved the company.

-I hated Dal-Mi’s relationship with her mom and her sister. The abandonment she went through as a child was never really addressed (from what I watched).

-Dal-Mi and Do-San were relatable, because they were both sort of underdogs trying to make it. However, they never seemed to grow throughout the show. They showed a lot of immature behavior throughout the entire series.

-The love triangle was overused. If Dal-Mi wasn’t going to end up with Ji-Pyeong why string him and the audience along until basically the last episode. Also why do we get In-Jae showing interest in Ji-Pyeong for two seconds. This drama had 16 episodes. Was there really no time to explore that potential connection?

Favorites

Favorite Characters

-Ji-Pyeong: He had such a compelling story as an orphan who overcame adversity and became successful. He loved grandma. Although he did yell at her a couple of times. He was so conflicted, but just like BTS V he is a Good Boy. He fell in love with Dal-Mi because she is so much like Grandma. She is very kind and giving. He really is a sweet guy who seems really confident, but is actually very lonely.

-Grandma: I wanted to contact the Pope and suggest that Grandma become a saint. She took Ji-Pyeong in when he was homeless. She fed him, gave him new shoes, and started a bank account for him. She became Dal-Mi’s sole guardian and never complained. Then, she took in her daughter-in-law and gave her a job so she could escape her abusive husband. She had to suffer through the devastating loss of her son, but put on a brave face for Dal-Mi. (It was nice that she sort of gained a son through her relationship with Ji-Pyeong.)

-Do-San’s Dad: He showed how tech can negatively affect older people. Although he seemed like he was putting a lot of pressure on Do-San, he just really wanted his son to be successful and live a good life.

Favorite Scenes

-When Do-San’s dad shows up at Sandbox and says his little speech about how older people like the slow pace and younger people like fast paced technology, but both are needed in society not just one. I think this is true.

-When Do-San tells his dad that they don't have to be each other’s pride and joy. They can just be father and son. This is the way a lot of people feel about their parents, but they may never say it. It is a beautiful scene.

-Any scene where Grandma calls Ji-Pyeong Good Boy or holds his face.

[violetmuses]

Middle of the Night || Rick Flag (18+ MINORS DNI)

TITLE: Middle of the Night || Rick Flag (18+ MINORS DNI)

POINT OF VIEW: First Person

FANDOM: “Suicide Squad” Universe

CHARACTER: Colonel Richard “Rick” Flag

PAIRING: OC Lorraine Tucker + Rick Flag

STORYLINE: One night, Lori and Rick allow themselves to carry out one of their biggest fantasies. Will either one of then win this dark, but much-needed Cat-And-Mouse chase?

WARNINGS: SMUT (18+ Minors DNI) Adult themes, Predator + Prey kink, strong language, etc.

J Krew: @nerdysuperchick @a-reader-and-a-writer @babblydrabbly @lacontroller1991 @shadowkittybucky @loverhymeswith @justin-hammers @weallhaveadestiny @xoxabs88xox @katjnordstrom96   @skvatnavle @11thstreetvigilante

________

2021

Lorraine-Tucker Flag

We had rules set in place long before tonight would even happen between us: Mutual consent. No potential weapons involved. Check in with each other. Stop immediately if needed.

Glancing out of the window for a second, I bit my lip as soon as the front headlights of his beloved truck beamed closer and closer towards the driveway.

We had agreed to only work out this fantasy at home to avoid scaring people in public.

If the wrong cards played out, people might’ve assumed a worst-case scenario about me being chased down outdoors and gotten Rick arrested or charged with legitimate crimes.

Home it was, then.

The moment his truck pulled into the driveway, I immediately ducked away from the bedroom window and crawled onto the carpet flooring to hide underneath the bed first.

Since most lights were out tonight after I ate dinner here alone, this place was shrouded in darkness. In return, I was left to just listen for his booted footsteps and that intoxicating Southern drawl once he entered the house.

“Baby?” Only seconds later, those booted footsteps echoing from downstairs. Even his voice called out towards me, using pet names at first. He must’ve decided to start slow instead of plunging into our mutual chaos right away.

Don’t respond. Not yet. I thought to myself.

Faint shadows of moonlight from the window served as my only brightness.

Right now, I still hid underneath our bed, almost curving my body to hug both knees and wait. Wait for him, wait for the sweetest man of my dreams to break and tear me down, just starving to witness my existence.

“Lo-Lo?” The drawl of his still adorable voice beckoned somewhat closer now, probably heading towards our guest room bathroom located here upstairs.

He hadn’t shattered yet, which still gave me time to process if he remembered what we planned tonight. My heart raced then dropped at once, still anticipating the moment that he’d finally switch and soon transform into my greatest desire.

What did he choose to wear? Could he wear dark clothes to lurk through the house like a shadow and use me as his only target? How would we take each other on in the best way possible? How would he address me once the tables turned? The outcomes were now endless, forcing my whole body to quiver from within.

“Lori?” His voice gave out one sing-song tone and offered this slightly villainous chuckle. That Southern accent drawled once more, rasping as if his patience finally hung by its invisible thread.

At the same time, I couldn’t even tell where his voice echoed now, leaving my clothed core to throb at the center of these shorts already.I closed both eyes and bit my lip once more, hiding a quiet whimper and resisting the urge to call out, hence giving this placement away.

He could’ve been anywhere.

“Girl, I know what you want. Just come out.” He knew. He fucking knew. I balled one knuckle to cover my mouth, still throbbing at the center of my shorts.

I always knew that if this man singularly called me “Girl” while using that damn accent, it was over. Sometimes, his brow would wrinkle in the name of lust or he’d fold both tattooed arms over his broad chest, only giving myself seconds to exist alone before absolutely destroying me.

At that moment, I allowed myself to crawl out of hiding, just peeking at the ajar door before slowly venturing out towards the darkened hallway. At first, his silhouette wasn’t there and I walked further down, tip-toeing just in case.

“Daddy?” Turning one corner, I played along with his game and whistled, calling out towards the shadows that kept him away.

As if lighting struck, his too-familiar footsteps raced out of nowhere, only cushioned by the carpet flooring. I nearly darted in return, fighting back delicious laughter of my own and hoping that he wouldn’t catch up first.

“I know it’s you, Girl. Why you runnin’ from me? C’mere.” From the shadows, his drawl worsened for the better, growing with both frustration and nearly shaking between breaths. He must’ve hardened between those strong legs, already asking for me to take him.

“Wasn’t gonna make this easy, Baby. You want me? Come on.” I teased him, biting my lip once more and gently rubbing both hands together even though we couldn't see each other up close yet.

“C’mere, Lorraine.” Rick used my name for once, offering respect, but slowly losing patience once more.

“Thought you liked….” My voice cut off suddenly. Before I could even finish uttering that sentence, his hand finally caught my wrist between the shadows of our darkened hallway. His fingers sported leather, surprising me right away.

At that exact moment, the lights turned on, revealing his entire form at last.

Rick dared to come home in a variation of his 2016 combat uniform, camouflaged from head to toe. Even one of his Task Force X caps returned, shielding those perfect hazel eyes underneath its shadowing brim. My heart thumped immediately, feeling lost in the moment myself.

He then pulled me in by the wrist until our chests touched, no longer giving ourselves space away from each other. The silence only called for peace unless I wanted to stop everything altogether. I nodded, consenting for more. So much more.

“Weapons?” I asked, probing him just in case. He knew our rules and knew how to play along correctly. I reached outward to pat him down and checked just to be sure, even though I always trusted that this man would keep me safe.

“No, Ma’am. Just like we agreed.” His gloved hand released my wrist, but that voice shook, still drawling through obedience before we planned to go on.

“All right. You’re clear. Continue.” I clipped my words, asserting this role of superior as if Rick needed to work someone else again. He nodded in return, but closed both eyes like he wanted to switch back with some kind of dark magic.

Right away, the palm of his one fingerless glove returned to grasp around my wrist. He then spun me around, jerking my body just so my back pressed against his clothed chest. Yet, the jackpot arrived when my ass pushed against the center of his crotch, rubbing against his erection.

“Feel that? If it wasn’t for our rules tonight, I’d handcuff your pretty ass to the bed right now.” His breath warmed against my ear, hissing between words. Chills ran down my spine.

“Baby…” I whimper, already using my ass to start grinding against him. He even dared to gently place his gloved hand around the pulse of my throat, not yet squeezing of course.

I ended up being spun around once more, forced to face him eye to eye as his clothed erection still haunted me.

Underneath the brim of that damn cap, his hazel eyes bore into my soul, leveled between lust and shock as we continued grinding, trying to find layered friction before reaching that boiling point together.

“C’mere.” His teeth clenched and he rasped first to break our silence, reaching out with his glove hand to gather my hair. I nodded once more to give this man more consent, finally desperate for him to take everything out on me tonight.

The bedroom door slammed behind me before I could even think twice and he scrambled for me to be undressed, at mercy for his touch. We didn’t even reach the bed and caged ourselves just feet away from the back wall.

His camouflaged pants didn’t even completely come off, only stopping at the knees as his boxes dragged down, almost revealing that leaking erection.

“Condom?” I took control, hoping to goodness that he wouldn’t take long to find one in here.

“Sure.” His rasp calmed down, but he hurried on behalf of us both, opening and closing one nightstand drawer before rushing back towards me.

“Hurry up!” I clenched my teeth, finally losing patience this time around.

“Sorry.” He apologized. As soon as Rick slipped on the condom, he walked closer and closer again until our bodies met.

When I looked down, he’d lined up with my entrance, waiting for more consent. I nodded just before wrapping my legs around his waist.

“Shit!” The moment he plunged, I cried out, hiking up and down as he carried me with each thrust.

“Thought about you all day.” His voice whispered towards my eardrum as I wrapped both arms around his neck, trying to keep myself balanced.

“Still mad?” I asked, overwhelmed by each spear into my core. “Thought you wanted to chase me down, boy.”

“Fuck the game.” Even as Rick briefly moved to turn his hat backward, the gesture somehow angled himself deeper into me, which prompted another whimper to escape my lips.

“I’m gonna…” I shattered, breathlessly declaring my breaking point for me. His hazel eyes peered towards me once more, staring with nothing short of love this time. No more chaos as he held the back of my curls.

“Shit.” He called to me, sending his down release of warmth into my core soon after.

_________

We shared the shower together for the first time in quite a while, not separating for the rest of that night. Even the covers and sheets of our bed felt like clouds, welcoming our bond once more.

“Hey,” I turned my head while facing him in bed later that night as our bare chests touched.

“Hi. You okay?” He asked, smiling before kissing the top of my head between these flitting shadows of this bedroom. His thumb caressed my cheek, gentle against my skin now.

“Yeah. Are you okay?” I questioned him, of course making sure that he was comfortable too.

“I’m fine. That was hot.” He chuckled, genuinely happy.

“Thank you for my birthday present, Baby.” I kissed him, smiling just before falling asleep in his arms.

[taeyongdoyoung]

summary: you are a mermaid and you save a handsome man from drowning but little do you know it’s not his first rodeo when dealing with mermaids. seonghwa, a former prince, is currently hongjoong’s first mate and boyfriend. hongjoong is the captain, the pirate king of the most savage crew across the seas. and you want nothing to do with them. not because they’re pirates, but because they’re humans…

ship: mermaid!reader x prince/pirate!seonghwa x pirate!hongjoong

genre: little mermaid!au, pirate!au, romance, angst, fantasy

warnings: kidnapping, water deprivation (?), swearing, manipulation, eavesdropping, jealousy, betrayal (?), i think that’s it, but pls let me know if i missed anything triggering!!!

author’s note: sorry for the huuuge hiatus, i’ve been working on other things and also uni has been really hectic, i hope you guys enjoy this new chapter!

word count: 2.5k

chapter one ☠️ chapter two ☠️ chapter three ☠️ chapter four ☠️ chapter five ☠️  chapter six ☠️ chapter eight ☠️chapter nine  ☠️ chapter ten ☠️ chapter eleven ☠️ chapter twelve ☠️ chapter thirteen ☠️ spotify playlist

You were trapped inside a fishnet. Everything was so dark and dry you couldn’t breathe. You couldn’t tell exactly where you were, all you knew was that Soojin was nearby and she was screaming in a panicked way.

“Relax, Soojin, we’ll get out of here,” you tried to comfort your sister.

“HOW?” she cried out. “WE’LL DIE HERE!”

You attempted to not freak out and focus on what you knew. Someone had thrown fishnets at you two and you were now left without water. Which meant that this wasn’t Hongjoong’s ship. No matter how much he hated you, you knew that Seonghwa would never let Hongjoong do anything like this. But you were still positive that this was a pirate ship. What you couldn’t find out was who had taken you two and why?

Fortunately (or not), your questions were answered soon enough, as a tall figure approached, holding up a torch that lit up the front part of the ship, giving you a chance to examine your surroundings.

“Where did you get the ring?” the man asked Soojin as he pulled it out of her finger.

Soojin gulped nervously and even though you both knew it was Yeosang that given her the ring, to your surprise, she lied.

“I found it. Now will you let us go?”

The tall figure laughed darkly.

“No. Because you’re lying, you little thief.”

Shit. You were in big trouble.

“Let’s see how a week without water will do you,” he hissed. “Pathetic mermaids.”

“Wait,” you yelled after him, intending to tell him the truth rightaway. You couldn’t risk dying over this. But before you could open your mouth again, Soojin dug her fingernails into your hand, preventing you from speaking up.

“ROT IN HELL,” she screamed at the man as he was walking away.

“Oh, darling, I’m already in it.”

Once he was out of earshot, you struggled in the dark to focus on Soojin’s features.

“Why did you lie to him, Soojin?” you hissed in frustration. “You don’t owe Yeosang anything!”

“If I told him the truth, he would go after Yeosang!”

“And you’d rather die than let anything happen to your sweetheart, is that it?” you sighed.

“Yes, I’d die happy if I knew he was safe.”

“What about me, Soojin?” you groaned. “How is this fair? I don’t want to die here to ensure some human will live.”

“You won’t die. You said it yourself. We’ll get out of here,” Soojin tried to sound hopeful.

“If we don’t, I’ll haunt you in the afterlife,” you vowed threateningly.

“I deserve that,” she chuckled sadly.

🧜‍♀️🧜‍♀️🧜‍♀️

You couldn’t tell how much time had passed. You felt so tired and hopeless and as if you were minutes away from drawing your last breath. Soojin was in a similar state. Your initial idea to claw your way out of the ropes had proven to be futile. Not only was that impossible to achieve, but the lack of fluids was weakening your bodies in such a way that you no longer had any idea if it was day or night. You promised to yourself that if the tall man who’d trapped you here appeared again, you would tell him everything about Yeosang. You didn’t want to die and follow Soojin on her suicide mission. But no matter how much time passed, the dark figure didn’t return. You were done for. And despite how badly you hated humans (pirates, in particular) in that moment, you still wished you could see Seonghwa once more. Let him know that you didn’t blame him for Ariel’s death. That the real monsters were the sea witch and his parents for separating him from his loved one in such a cruel way. But you couldn’t even do that. Couldn’t even hear his voice again…

☠️☠️☠️

Seonghwa’s POV

We were on a journey across the sea with no specific direction when suddenly, we ran into Mingi’s ship by accident. I wondered if he noticed us and if he would attack us. It had been a while since our last encounter when that bastard cut off Yeosang’s right hand. It had also been a while since the last time I talked to Y/N. I missed her and I was so mad at everyone standing in the way of our friendship. Imagine my surprise, when I spotted a large fishnet hanging from Mingi’s ship, tied up to the figurehead, tall enough so as to not touch the water. I squinted in order to see better and soon enough, realized that whatever was inside, was too big to be a regular fish. No. Fucking. Way. Were those mermaids? I didn’t know what came over me, maybe it was my gut feeling, but I knew I had to save them. Even if I didn’t know them, I couldn’t have another mermaid death weighing on my conscience. I hurriedly rushed to talk to my fellow mates and tell them what I’d seen. We had to make a decision quickly or else Mingi’s ship would sail away and then, it would be more difficult to trace him.

“Guys, I think Mingi’s trapped a couple of mermaids inside a fishnet!” I screamed.

“What? We have to help the poor creatures!” Yeosang replied, backing me up. I gave him a thankful wink.

“I agree,” Wooyoung added and pointed towards the fishnet that was still in our field of vision. “Look! That asshole is not letting them touch the water!”

“Oh, no, that’s horrendous!” San exclaimed. “I’ve heard that mermaids can’t last long without water.”

“All the more reason to save them,” I insisted.

“I don’t think this is a sensible idea,” Hongjoong argued.

“Please, whatever your ridiculous vendetta against mermaids is about, it can wait,” Yeosang complained.

“It’s not just about the mermaids, Yeo,” our captain responded. “The last time we fought Mingi, it didn’t end well,” he purposefully stared at Yeosang’s missing hand, as if to remind him. Yeosang gave him a dirty look and took his sword out, skillfully managing it with his left hand, as if to prove a point. “Mingi is too powerful and dangerous, if we confront him, we may risk losing not just a hand, but our lives.”

I pulled Hongjoong aside and whispered in his ear.

“Do you want them to know that you lied to Mingi? That you told him the mermaids killed the sea witch?”

“I did that to protect you,” Hongjoong hissed.

“Nonsense. You did that selfishly because you wanted to get rid of Y/N. Be very careful what you say next.”

“Come on, guys!” Wooyoung urged us to cut it off. “Mingi’s ship is getting away!”

“Yeah, make a decision already!” San groaned.

“It’s your call, Captain,” I addressed Hongjoong. “Choose wisely. You might gain something if you stop us but you’ll lose something far more important.”

“Are you threatening me?” Hongjoong furrowed his brows. “Don’t forget who’s in charge, Hwa.”

“I haven’t forgotten anything. It’s you who forgot how to show compassion to those in need,” I reminded him. “You saved all of us. That’s why we’re loyal to you. Why can’t you help us save these mermaids, too? Would it really kill you if you tried?”

Hongjoong rolled his eyes.

“Fine. But if one of you gets hurt, it’s not on me, it’s on you, Hwa. Remember that in case things go wrong.”

“We can take care of ourselves, thank you very much.”

And with that, we pulled out our weapons. It was time to attack Mingi’s ship and get those poor mermaids out of these fishnets.

☠️☠️☠️

Hongjoong’s POV

This was a terrible idea, but Seonghwa put me in such a position that it was impossible to refuse. We hurriedly threw ropes with hooks at Mingi’s ship in order to get on board. The plan was that Yeosang and I would confront Mingi ourselves, while Seonghwa, Wooyoung and San cut off the fishnets and free the mermaids into the sea. I knew that it was a big risk, but a part of me also knew that I was partially responsible for this happening. If I hadn’t been so petty to tell Mingi that the mermaids were to blame for the sea witch’s death, we wouldn’t be here right now. As we were looking for Mingi, I was surprised at how relaxed Yeosang seemed. Honestly, I admired him for his bravery.

“Hey, bastard!” Yeosang yelled as he stormed into the captain’s cabin. “Face me, you coward!”

Mingi was obviously taken aback by Yeosang’s recklessness and it took him a while to find his sword. While he was frantically looking for it, I grabbed him by the collar and hissed.

“You betrayed us and cut off Yeosang’s hand, Mingi. You’re not getting out of this.”

“What’s your problem? I thought mermaids were our common enemy, Hongjoong,” Mingi exposed my secret and I loosened my grip on him, ashamed by my actions.

Yeosang didn’t seem fazed at all, he simply pointed his sword towards Mingi’s neck.

“You had it all wrong, Mingi,” Yeosang informed him calmly. “The mermaids didn’t kill the sea witch. It’s humans you should be scared of,” he added, without specifying too much and attacked.

I was frozen in place for a couple of seconds, which was enough for Mingi to regain his composure and defend himself.

“You knew?” I whispered to Yeosang as the two of us charged faster against Mingi.

“I may have overheard your conversation,” Yeosang replied coldly.

“Why didn’t you tell us you knew all along?” I asked as I tried to hold Mingi off.

“Why didn’t you tell me yourselves?” Yeosang countered and disarmed Mingi.

“Go ahead, then! Kill me already,” Mingi incited us.

“No,” Yeosang refused. “I want you to live with the consequences of your actions,” he dropped the sword and once again took that damned ring from Mingi. “Tie him up, Hongjoong.”

“Why are you suddenly giving the orders?” I complained but pulled Mingi close as I wrapped a rope around his wrists.

“I literally have one hand, how am I supposed to tie him up?” Yeosang groaned.

“That’s fair.”

☠️☠️☠️

Yeosang’s POV

“Soojin!” I cried out in relief as soon as I saw her back into the sea and freed from those terrible fishnets. I jumped into the water and kissed her. “Are you alright?”

“My love, what happened to your hand?” she inquired worriedly.

“Mingi, that bastard who trapped you, cut it off,” I informed her. “But don’t worry, Hongjoong’s currently taking him as a prisoner to our ship.”

“I don’t understand,” Soojin whimpered. “I didn’t tell him anything about the ring, why would he come after you?”

“I know you didn’t, my brave girl,” I reassured her and hugged her. “I’m just glad you’re okay now.”

“How did you know I was here?”

“Honestly? I’d like to say I was destined to find you, but the truth is we ran into Mingi’s ship by chance. Seonghwa saw the fishnets and realized whatever was inside seemed too big to be fish.”

“What did you just call me?” Soojin joked, pretending to be offended.

“No, I just meant that…”

“Relax, I was only teasing,” Soojin laughed. “Thank you for saving us, darling. Another minute without water and I probably would have died.”

“I’m happy we came on time, then,” I smiled at her and pressed my forehead against hers.

☠️☠️☠️

Seonghwa’s POV

The minute the mermaids were free from the fishnets and back into the sea, I realized we had saved not just any mermaids, but Y/N and Soojin. I jumped right after them, not even bothering to check if Mingi had been successfully captured and soon enough, Yeosang joined me to talk to Soojin, quickly informing us that Hongjoong had taken Mingi back to our ship and he would no longer be able to harm anyone.

“You’re safe now,” I hugged Y/N and whispered words of reassurance in her ear, immediately forgetting all about our last encounter and the fact that she might need more time to accept what she’d learned about me and Ariel. The only thing that mattered was that she was okay. “You’re alright.”

“H-how did you know we were t-trapped?” she stammered.

“It was by accident.”

“Thank the fates,” Y/N sighed. “We wouldn’t have lasted much longer.”

“Did Mingi hurt you?”

She shook her head.

“Other than the no water thing, no, he didn’t.”

“Good. I would have killed him but…”

“No more death,” she spoke gently. “I’m beyond happy to see you, Seonghwa. I missed you terribly.”

“So did I, dearest. Does that mean you’re willing to forgive me?”

“There’s nothing to forgive,” Y/N replied. “I can no longer bear being parted from you. Not even for a minute.”

Her words broke my resolve to respect her boundaries and remain loyal to Hongjoong despite what he’d done to me and I kissed her. To my utter disbelief, she kissed me back, her fingers holding onto my hair for dear life. When I finally pulled away, we were both out of breath.

“I’m so s-sorry, I shouldn’t have.”

“No! I wanted you to.”

“You did?”

“Of course! Seonghwa, I like you so much. And even though it hurts…I think Ariel would have wanted you to move on and to be happy.”

“Well, you make me happy.”

“Right back at you,” Y/N smiled fondly.

For the briefest of moments, we were in our own little world and I had forgotten all about the rest of the world with its problems. But then I made the mistake of looking away from her and I saw him.

☠️☠️☠️

Hongjoong’s POV

I couldn’t exactly interrupt them. I didn’t deserve it after all. I mean, not after being so harsh to Y/N, not after telling the secret about Seonghwa’s past to Y/N, and certainly not after lying to Mingi about the mermaids’ non-existent involvement in the sea witch’s death. I felt like a piece of shit for hurting them and yet, I couldn’t look away, either. It was no longer jealousy I was feeling. I knew I had it coming. It was so strange to me when I realized I felt perfectly calm to watch them embracing and kissing. I was even enjoying this, in some perverted way. And then Seonghwa spotted me. Soon after, Y/N did, too. I was so embarrassed that I had been caught observing them that I immediately turned around and started walking towards the inside of the ship, anywhere that would ensure avoiding them like the plague. They didn’t bother to yell after me and I was thankful for that. I was in no mood to explain myself or talk to them or anything. And despite the fact that she’d taken him away from me, I was glad that she’d survived. No creature deserved to be left without water for so long and I could only imagine how much worse such an ordeal would be to a mermaid. In any case, I was relieved that Mingi was in one of our cells now. Coming here wasn’t such a bad idea after all. Two lives were saved and we had finally defeated him. Our former friend, who was also our enemy and now, our prisoner. When had life gotten so damn complicated?

To be continued…

[cruelfeline]

I'm both a Hordak and Catra stan but Can you really blame the "pro" Catra-stans ? Their favorite gets suffocated twice on screen,right when she was showing signs of change by opening up to Scorpia, she has lived with severe anxiety thinking Hordak would demote her, dispose of her any second if she failed And lo and behold it did really come true too. She got stripped of her rank, became suicidal, indifferent to danger., She leaves the wastes because despite being punished by Hordak she still wants to prove herself to him and get that bit of validation to realize her own self-worth(she gets also triggered by Shadow weaver but that comes only after interrogating Adora) .In season 4 after she feels cornered again she "dethrones" him but temporarily she then soon reverts to her old habits by wanting validation from Hordak like he desperately wanted prime's, she was content with being equals, partners in crime with Hordak rather than overthrowing him for real and such as when she asks him permission to "give the command", she goes from becoming a SW to a Hordak closing herself off from everyone, yelling "Get out" While Hordak too is undeniably abused. The narrative follows Catra more we see more of her suffering. So I really get why they're so biased but it's sad too because Hordak and Catra have many similarities with eachother.

Sorry English isn't my native tongue I hope I was a little intelligible.

Ah, no worries; your English is far better than however I would fare in your native tongue c:

On your points regarding Catra stans... well... I mean, certainly people have the right to feel the way they feel. It’s not like we can really control our feelings towards these characters; they just happen (case in point: me and this embarrassing Hordak stint I’ve been on for over a year). However... I can’t say that much of what you say regarding Catra holds true for me personally. And for that reason, I just don’t find much in common with the really hardcore Catra stans.

To me, a lot of it has to do with choices. Catra is at her most sympathetic to me in the very earliest seasons, where things are truly out of her control. Adora leaves. Shadow Weaver is still in power and treats her abominably. At this time, I really do feel for her. As the show goes on, however, I find that my ability to really connect with her just sort of dwindles. Especially when Hordak is right there and not presenting any of the problems Catra does.

Like... so, you mention that she lives with severe anxiety thinking that Hordak will demote her for failing, and that this comes true. Well... that’s not really the case, is it? Hordak doesn’t demote her for failing. He’s demanding, yes, but he’s not unreasonable. Rather, Hordak demotes her because she lies to him. And that is a choice she makes. She chooses to prioritize Shadow Weaver over what is essentially her job, and she does so in a way that presents a significant danger to both Hordak and the Horde itself - a danger that truly does become realized when Shadow Weaver helps the Princesses infiltrate the Fright Zone. This situation doesn’t make me feel sympathy for Catra. Rather, it makes me feel exasperated because she was given a legitimate chance by Hordak, and she squandered it. 

When she leaves the Waste, it’s not because she wants to prove herself to Hordak. Rather, she makes it very clear that she is disdainful of him and doesn’t much care for his opinion at all (calls him a shut-in, remarks that he doesn’t know anything about the outside world). The reason she leaves is because she learns that Shadow Weaver is with Adora, a bit of knowledge that, to her, means that Adora is “winning.” She leaves because her self-worth is essentially based on Adora herself. Catra feels the need to beat her, no matter what the cost. A concept that is really driven home at the end of season three where she just about says as much, declaring that she’d rather see the world end then let Adora win. Which... I mean, I get that she’s coming from a sad place, but there’s a line crossed there, and it’s a significant downer for me.

Moving on to season four, I wouldn’t say that she feels “cornered.” At the start of season four, Hordak is absolutely not a danger to her. He doesn’t want anything to do with her. He doesn’t want anything to do with anything. He’s... well, to my eyes, he’s depressed. He’s deeply hurt over Entrapta’s supposed betrayal, and he just wants to be alone. He wants to build up his defenses and protect himself from being hurt again. Because of these desires, he essentially stalls the war, and this is why Catra dethrones him. Not because she wants validation, or because he’s dangerous to her. Certainly not because he “corners” her. I mean... she enters his sanctum uninvited. She makes that move. Not him.

She legitimately dethrones him because he’s not warmongering fast enough for her. She wants to continue the war so she can stick it to Adora, and Hordak is too melancholy for her tastes. So she attacks him and removes his life support and basically bullies a disabled man so she can get back to heckling Adora.

I just... don’t really enjoy that? There’s nothing in it that I find sympathetic. Honestly, I just find it uncomfortable to watch.

I find it uncomfortable because in all of these instances, Catra has agency. She has power. She has the ability to make a good decision and just... kind of doesn’t. Over and over again. In numerous different, varied circumstances. Despite receiving support and love from Scorpia. And the ultimate reason she makes these bad decisions is because she wants to hurt Adora (whom she supposedly loves more than anything, so...? Yikes?). In the end, she really does abandon seeking any authority’s approval and makes it her mission to ensure that she wins while Adora loses. Her focus narrows to that point, and I’m just not super into it.

Hordak, on the other hand, never gets this sort of... vindictive cruelty streak to him. He remains focused inward. To his detriment, the poor dear.

The narrative may try to paint Catra as sympathetic, and it works to an extent, but for me, it ends up becoming less compelling to watch as she gains power and continues to do the worst things imaginable. Whereas Hordak, upon getting like... his first offer for friendship, immediately begins to change and reevaluate his priorities. Only to be stopped by... well, by Catra making a stupid, awful decision and ruining it for him.

I also am of the sort that finds the abuse that Hordak goes through to be far more horrific than what Catra goes through. That’s not to say that what happens to her isn’t terrible; it is. But... to me, it’s like comparing the Etherian Horde to the Galactic Horde. Yes, both are bad. But the Galactic Horde has... I don’t know... there’s something absolutely sick about it that just makes it worse for me. Some sort of existential wrongness. The same thing carries over to Hordak’s story. While Catra’s, like the Etherian Horde, is terrible, it just doesn’t reach the same level of visceral horror for me.

So, anon, while I respect Catra stans enjoying their fave, I can’t really say I can relate all that much anymore. Honestly, at this point, I just find her sort of frustrating. Especially given how her redemption arc pushes all of the other characters to the sidelines of the narrative and still fails to address major events (like Angella’s death, for example). 

Hordak’s character doesn’t suffer from these frustrations. So, in the end, I’m afraid I’m going to have to continue to prefer him. But that’s fine, I think; to each their own! 

I’m glad you can enjoy both to their fullest c: