#. on monday i felt like i didnt matter.

[rusted-phone-calls]

'don't you feel like an outsider' you made me feel like I was an outsider

[ohtobeleah]

Lessons in Love & War // Bradley Bradshaw

-> A Terms of Endearment Blurb

Summary: On one of your first shifts back at work after the events of ToE. Odette is plagued with an illness that sends her to the emergency room with a very panicked Bradley Bradshaw.

Warnings: Fever. appendicitis. Relationship miscommunication, misguided anger. Bradley Bradshaw x F!reader. Jake Seresin x F!platonic!reader.

Word Count: 3.8k

Author Note: Day Eighteen of Whumptober. Prompt I chose: Fever/Separated from loved ones. Thank you to @ailesswhumptober for the prompt list.

Whumptober Masterlist | Main Masterlist

Monday, Wednesday, Friday. Those were your days off. Tuesday and Thursday were the days that you bravely stepped outside your little bubble of peace and went back to work doing what you loved. No one in their right mind was about to stop you either, you could handle two full days at a time. Two days in one week was enough for you right now. Mav was in full support of you and Rooster sharing your full time hours. He went in to bat for you whenever the topic was brought up to the higher ups. He was your unofficial proxy. 

“Oh hi there Dotty girl.” You weren’t ready to send your little girl back to daycare yet either. So Odette spent her days with her favourite person besides you, her Tooster, on Tuesdays and Thursdays. “What's got you all sad?”

Bradley had been doing some work on his lap–he was reading up on the signs, symptoms and possible characteristics of depression. You were just a little off at the moment, with good reason. You'd been through so much–more than anyone ever deserved to be put through.

“My tummy huwts Tooster–” Odette mumbled through tired eyes as she padded into the dinning room with her blanky, sucking her thumb. She had been feeling under the weather for a few days now, since Monday–It was now Thursday and she hadn’t started to get better in the slightest bit.  

“Oh sweet girl, come here.” Bradley cooed as he reached out for the little girl who had stolen his heart, he scooped her up under her armpits and sat her on his lap. The first thing Bradley noticed was the heat Odette had to her. “Holy crap, you're burning up baby girl.” He frowned as he placed the back of his hand to her forehead. “You've got a bit of a fever there.” It was worrying, especially since Odette had already had some children Tylenol not long before you left for work. How long had she had a fever for? 

“My tummy huwts–” She nearly sobbed as her little head lulled to the side, she placed her cheek against Rooter's chest to listen to his heartbeat. The kiss he planted on the top of her head as he rocked his knees back and forth to soothe your daughter told Odette that she was safe, that her Tooster would make her feel better. “Tooster–”

“I know baby, I know.” But the fact of the matter was Bradley didn't know. Sure he’d lay his life down on the line for Odette, but he really had no idea how to act when she was sick. It broke his heart to see the usually so energetic and full of life extension of you so down in the dumps and sick as a dog. She hadnt been her usual self for a few days and it was unnerving to say the very least. He did his best however, to keep a confident front up that he had this covered while you were gone. 

Bradley Bradshaw was confident and wise enough to take care of a sick three year old. How serious could a flu be? Or a tummy bug as you were pretty sure it was. 

“How about I make you some soup and we watch cartoons and hang out on the lounge for the rest of the day?” All Odette did in response was nod very tiredly. She hadn’t been sleeping through the night and the little sleep she was getting, was in between you and Rooster, where she felt safest and where you felt like she belonged right now. 

Odette didnt eat her soup, Bradley had tried to get her to have a few spoonfuls of the pureed pumpkin and sweet potato soup he’d heated over the stove but it was to no avail. Your little girl was not having a bar of it before the tears started. 

“Oh sweetheart, don't cry.” Bradley cooed as Odette snuggled as close as she could into her Tooster. 

“My Tummy huwts Tooster make it stowp.” Dot mumbled into Rooster's shirt, clinging to him for dear life as she climbed his torso and laid herself flat as she could on him. All Bradley did was try his best to soothe the clearly uncomfortable three year old he’d been left in charge of today. 

“How about we get you some more medicine to make you feel a little better?” It was the only thing he could really think of in the moment, Dot hadn’t been well sure, but this was a whole new level of unwell. “We’ll get a washcloth for your forehead too baby, that might help.” Bradley was starting to realise that he may or may not have been in over his head with this. He hadn’t gone through this before, he hadn’t ever had to worry so deeply about a child not being well before. He wanted so desperately to take Odette's pain away. He wanted so desperately to make her feel all better like you somehow always managed too. But this seemed more serious than just a cold or flu or random stomach ache. 

And when little three year old Odette Dolan (Bradshaw) started to scream, cry and throw up in the bath Bradley tried to run for her to help her feel better, he didn't know what to do. He knew it wasn't just her being scared of the bath, because she’d been really good in it as of late. The past few weeks she’d gone without a fuss so long as Tooster and you were in it with her. But right now, as Bradley rubbed small circles into her little back and watched as she dry heaved into the bow he held under her chin, he knew he had to take her to people who could actually make her feel better. 

“I think we need to take you to the hospital baby girl.” He sighed to himself, watching as her tears streamed down her puffy face. She hadnt eaten all day, hadnt cried this hard ever. She was in pain–Bradley could clearly see that. “Let's get you dressed and I'm gonna take you alright, see some doctors so that they can help.” Before Bradley could think about helping Odette out of the bath, she slumped into his hold, completely exhausted from crying and trying to throw up. Her fever had yet to break and she was burning up. “Okay, Okay–” That's when the panic really set in. “We’re going right now baby I've got you.” 

***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***

“You know I’d ask what exactly it is that you’re doing—“ Jake made sure to make himself known as he entered your hanger. “But I’ve come to learn overtime that that question doesn’t always have such a good answer.” He didn’t want to scare you, he knew that coming back to work was what you needed in order to move on, get back into a normal routine and make an effort to keep yourself from completely falling apart. The day had almost passed you by and you’d only caught yourself thinking about Jaidyn Dolan like….seven hundred times. 

“I tried to call Roo at lunch to see how things are going at home but he hasn’t returned my call.” You replied while you sat at your workshop desk, working on a part Jake couldn’t quite pick. “Tell me everything’s fine, that we’re okay?” He knew what you meant, you didn’t need to elaborate or explain yourself. Jake knew, hell he knew because that very morning he’d woken Amilia up with his horrendous screams. He’d called out for Bob in the void of darkness. 

“Dots sick isn’t she?” Jake sighed as he stood behind you, watching carefully as you worked. He didn’t want to point out that you were tapping your leg up and down like a mad woman or mention that you were tensing your shoulders, so instead he bent over to kiss the top of your head and kept his hands firmly on your shoulders. “They’re fine Fe—if anything Bradshaws probably just spending his day off sleeping and watching Repunzel for the thirteenth time.” You couldn’t help but to smile at the thought. “Trust me, they’re good, we’re good, everyone’s good and accounted for.” 

“Thanks—“ It was like Jake had talked you down from some metaphorical ledge that you’d been standing on, ready to jump. Only you had been contemplating leaving work early to race home and make sure two of the most important people in your life are safe. “You’re right, he’s probably just sleeping with Dotty.” 

“I can almost guarantee it.” Jake replied. “Besides, you’re off soon enough, no need to stress when everything’s okay Fe.” 

***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***

Everything was not okay. Bradley Bradshaw had never been more freaked out in his entire life. He hated seeing Odette this way, so sick and visibly in pain. This had to be more than just a stomach ache, her fever hadn’t broken in hours, she wasn't keeping food or fluids down and she could barely keep her little head upright as he carried her into the emergency room of the Miramar Base Hospital. 

“Sir–?” The triage nurse was immediately on her feet when she saw Rooster through the little window. “Bring her right in.” Bradley did exactly that, he took the little girl who was burning up in his arms right into the triage room so that Odette could be assessed. “Who do we have here?” The nurse asked softly as she set up her station. 

“This is Odette, Uh–Dot, she prefers Dot.” Bradley cooed as he sat down on the empty chair with Odette still clinging to him. “She my daughter, well, kinda, I’m her mothers partner and I’m one of her medical proxies and emergency contacts.” Bradley felt like all eyes were on him as he explained his relationship to Odette. He wasn't her dad but he was the closest thing she had. “She's been sick for a few days, but today her fevers just skyrocketed and she's not keeping anything down.” 

“Is she throwing up?” The nurse asked as she placed little Odette's arm in a blood pressure monitor. “Any diarrhoea?” 

“She's been throwing up, but I haven't noticed any diarrhoea–” 

“And you said she's had a fever for a while?” 

“Yeah and today her stomachs been hurting pretty badly too.” The nurse could see the worry in Bradley Bradshaw's eyes. She knew enough in those few moments to know that he cared enough about this tiny human to bring her in for treatment. 

“Dot honey?” The nurse cooed as she looked at Odette and placed a tiny admission wristband on her wrist. “Can you point to what side your tummy’s been hurting on?” Odette, albeit slowly, pointed to her right side, just above her pelvis. The nurse sitting across from her immediately typed something onto the report she was writing up and turned back to face Bradley. “Okay Mr. Bradshaw, you can take Dot through to fast track, I'll have her admitted for an ultrasound but if I had to take a good guess here I'd say your little girl's appendix is acting up.” 

“That means surgery?” Bradley held the little girl who was everything to him a little tighter. The nurse nodded in confirmation. 

“You did the right thing bringing her in, we just need you to fill out these consent forms and we’ll take care of her.” The triage nurse could see on Odette file that Bradley was indeed an authorised person to give medical consent on Odette's behalf if you weren't able to. “But yes, she’ll need surgery if it is in fact her appendix, we don't want it to burst and by the looks of things if she's been sick for a few days it could very well be about to.” 

“Okay–” Bradley pressed his lips together in a fine line, he felt sick to his stomach, his little girl was in so much pain. “Okay, uh–let's go Dotty, I've got you baby.” But in all the fuss and worry and focus he’d forgotten one very vital thing. He’d forgotten to message you about what was going on, all his focus had been on Dot that he forgot to message you. Her Mother. 

***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***

You hadn’t heard from Bradley all day. Usually he’d send you little updates, let you know when Odette had gone for a nap, if she’d eaten, if she was at  daycare when he picked her up and dropped her off. But today he’d been radio silent since around ten this morning. 

“Roo honey?” You were already on edge with the radio silence, but when you pulled into the driveway to see Bradley’s Bronco wasn’t there your heart immediately sunk into your stomach. “I'm home, you here?” Nothing. There was nothing but a still silence that flooded your home as you went in search for the man who had helped you out yourself back together again. 

“Rooster?” You nearly sobbed out as you walked down the hallway to the bathroom, at the sight of water in the tub you immediately broke out into a heartbroken cry. No. No, not your baby, not your little girl. “Bradley!!?” It felt like you were right there, watching your ex try to drown you baby girl in the bath when your phone rang. 

It was like the ringtone snapped you back into reality and all of a sudden the scene playing out before you was gone. It was just you again, staring at yourself in the mirror across the bathroom. When you looked down at your phone to see that it was just Jake and not Bradley, you cried a little harder and answered. 

“Told you everything would be o—hey woah? What’s the matter Fe why are you crying?” Jake had just picked Amilia up from Paybacks play to drive her to work when your sobbed rang through the truck. “Y/n?” 

“Roosters not here and I can’t find Dot.” Was all you had to say before Jake was pulling over on the side of the road before swinging around. Amilia slammed against the doorframe of the passenger’s side as he did so. 

“Righto, ease up turbo.” She hissed as a frown overtook her face. “And you have the nerve to call me a maniac on the road.” 

“Talk to me when you know your left and rights Oz.” Jake chuckled knowing that Amilia from time to time still had to really think about what side of the road to drive on. “Fe, try to breathe alright, I’m sure there’s a reasonable explanation for why they aren’t home.” 

“He hasn’t been answering his phone all day Jake! He doesn’t do that!” You sobbed painfully as you slid down the wall of your hallway to hug your knees to your chest. “He doesn’t—he doesn’t do that, he doesn’t—“ Jake knew you were having a full on panic attack, he knew because he got them too. Amilia heard it in your voice, the way you tried to breathe through your words. “He left—he took her, I can’t breathe—“ 

“I’ll call Rooster.” Amilia quickly pulled her phone out to call Bradley, his name in her phone was the Chicken Man. “There’s gotta be a good reason he’d just vanish with Dot right?” 

“She’s sick.” Jake mumbled just loud enough for Amilia to hear. “Something could have happened but until we get ahold of him I don’t know what to do.” 

“Voicemail—“ Amilia didn’t wait for Jake to tell her to try again, she was on it before he even had a chance to blink. “Fucking dammit Bradshaw.” 

“We’re around the corner Fe, we’re on our way, just stay on the phone with me yeah?” Jake cooed as tears welled in his eyes, he hated this, hated hearing you so panicked. 

“Fuck! Voicemail again.” Amilia groaned as she tried for a third time to get ahold of the missing lieutenant. “Surely he’s not intentionally ignoring us right?” 

“No—“ Jake sighed frustratedly as he ran a hand across his face. “No somethings wrong, he’s distracted by something, he wouldn’t just go radio silent, not on Fe, me maybe, but not Fe.” 

***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~

“Tooster.” She looked so tiny in the middle of the gurney. “My tummy huwts.” But Bradley knew as he walked with the surgical tray who was about to take your little girl in for emergent surgery that she was going to feel a hell of a lot better after. 

“I know baby I know.” Rooster cooed as leaned over to press a gentle kiss to your daughter's forehead. “But the doctors here are gonna make you feel all better.” When Odette spoke soon after, Bradley’s heart sunk into his arse. 

“I want mamma—“ Holy shit, he’d been so caught up making sure Odette got the care and help she needed, that he hadn’t even checked in with you. 

“Mammas gonna be here when you come out of surgery baby, I promise.” Bradley could feel the colour draining from his face as he watched your little girl nod. “And so is uncle Jake—“ Bradley knew he was about to be in the dog house. He should have rung. He should have kept you in the loop. He couldn’t imagine what was going through your mind right about now. 

As soon as the double doors closed, Bradley immediately pulled his phone out of his back pocket and couldn’t believe what he saw. An unknown amount of missed calls and texts from one Amilia Fisher explaining in great detail the way she was going to skin him alive for whatever it is that was keeping him from getting back to her. 

There were a handful of missed calls and text from you throughout the day, just checking in to see how Dot was going. 

And then there was one very important text, a singular message from none other than Jake Seresin that scared the shit out of Bradley. The overall calmness of it all, the time he read it in, the lack of urgency made it all the more worrying—because when Jake got calm? Bradley knew he was about five seconds away from blowing up. 

H_ngm_n: “You better have running shoes on man.”

“Fuck—“ Braldey pressed on Jake’s called ID to ring him as quick as he could. This wasn’t good, not at all. It only took three rings before Jake was answering. “I can explain!” 

“Where are you?” Was all Jake asked, again as calm as ever. 

“I’m at the hospital, Dots fever was skyrocketing so I brought her in, turns out she has appendicitis, she’s on her way into surgery.” It was the most rushed explanation Bradley could give as he ran his free hand through his hair and paced up and down the hall. “Is Y/n okay? Is she alright?”

“We’ll be there soon.” Was all Jake said before he hung up. Bradley felt like he couldn’t breathe, he knew he’d fucked up. He should have called you when he was heading over to the hospital and think back to it he knew he had left the bath water in the bath too. 

He’d fucked up, and he knew that you’d be a wreck too. 

***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***

When you first saw Rooster sitting in the waiting room, your heart beat just a little faster. But although you loved him so deeply and so fiercely, his decision not to call you about what was going on had left you wondering if he understood just how important it was for you to know the whereabouts of your daughter right now. 

“Where is she?” You asked sternly. “Where’s my daughter?” Bradley could tell by the look in your eyes that you were pissed, but the love you had for Odette took priority. 

He sat in one of those plastic hospital waiting room chairs, dishevelled and worried that he’d crossed some invisible boundary. Bradley didn’t mean to keep you in the dark, it was never his intention. He was just so focused on Odette that he didn’t think of anything else. 

“She’s in surgery, they said someone would come give us an update as soon as she’s out.” Bradley explained as he stood from the chair he sat in and reached out to draw you into him. But you shrugged him off. “Y/n—“

“How am I the last person to find out my daughter has appendicitis?” You asked through a hiss. “Tell me Rooster how do you forget to tell the mother of the child you rushed to the emergency room that hey—we’re going to the hospital don’t freak out?” 

“I’m so unbelievably sorry.” Jake could tell that Bradley was sincere. “I was just so focused on Dot I didn’t stop to think, she was so upset, I just wanted her to be okay.” 

“Well she’s not alright is she!” It was just the fear talking, the fear taking over your critical thinking capabilities. “She’s in surgery getting her appendix removed and her mother wasn’t by her side to tell her everything would be alright because you—“ You shoved at Roosters chest, he didn’t budge. “Didn’t tell me what the hell was going on.” 

“Y/n, listen to me for a second alright sweetheart?” It was killing him, the idea that you were mad at him for doing whatever he could for Odette. 

“No—no don’t you dare sweetheart me right now Bradley, how could you not remember to ring me? Send me a fucking text?”

“Because I was looking after her! The little girl you left me to take care of! Her fever was getting out of control Fe!” It was one of the first fights the two of you had ever had. 

“She’s not your damn daughter Bradley!” You didn’t mean it, hell the words you spoke even shocked you and you could immediately tell that what you had said cut Bradley deep as his features softened In disappointment and frustration. “I’m her mother, and you should have called me when she was getting worse.” 

“Yeah—“ Bradley stiffened up as he looked over at Jake, he knew just how hurt you were by this mess but he never thought you’d throw Bradley’s ability to care for your little girl back in his face. “No yeah you’re totally right, I’m just gonna go, I’ll uh—I’ll just go back to my house and clean up the mess your daughter fucking makes all day because you’re too scared to send her back to daycare then.” 

It was your turn to be stunned. 

“Call me when she’s out, or don’t, I don’t care.” Bradley hissed as he walked past where you stood with his hands in his pockets and his tail between his legs. 

“I won’t!” You called back as you watched Bradley walk out of the front doors of the Miramar Base Hospital, wondering how the hell he was going to fix this god awful mess. 

***~***~***~***~***~***~****~

Whumptober Tags 🏷️ @xoxabs88xox @oldermenaremyreligion @slut-f0r-u @emma-is-cool @armydrcamers @topguncortez @topgun-imagines @kmc1989 @els-marvelvsp @blindedbythelightt

[chrissturnsgirlll222]

second, never first

part eight | part one | part two | part three | part four | part five | part six | part seven

chris x fem!reader

summary - you grew up hating one guy all of high school but suddenly become close friends, but as time goes on feelings develop, only its one sided.

warnings - swearing, use of y/n, BOYS (no smut… for now lol)

word count - 1500+

NOT PROOFREAD

-

this morning of school was tense. all day i was waiting to hear from anna to cuss me out, ask for a ride home or act like nothing happened and be petty. none of the above happened. she literally didnt go to school.

chris and i hung out at lunch and were just waiting for anna to start texting one of us aggressively but she didnt.

the silent treatment was killing me. why couldnt she just talk to me about what she was feeling. she had it all wrong and if she wasnt talking to me or chris she would just live thinking that we were hooking up being her back. it doesnt help the situation at all that shes ignoring us because we couldnt fully explain ourselves. but with anna, i dont even think clarification would change her mind.

chris and i were about to leave school when i got a text from anna:

monday 3:14pm

anna: i need you to come over, its urgent

as soon as i read the message i booked it to chris’ car showing him the message. “chris what the fuck am i supposed to do.” i exclaim shoving my phone in his face. he grabs it from my hand and reads it, “go.” is all he says.

“go?”

“yes go right now, this is literally our only chance of saving this whole situation.” he says.

“chris i am scared what are you not understanding.” i snap.

“me and you both have watched anna single handedly take girls down for messing with her relationships even if they didnt matter. you have watched her fight girls in the hallway just for looking at her wrong, now you have a chance to fix this and your ‘too scared’.” he explains

i pause thinking about what to do. part of me thinks hes right but the other part is saying that im about to get bitch slapped into oblivion. the people she cares about most betrayed her, atleast in her eyes.

“i dont even know what to say.” i mumble. “maybe explain the fucking situation.” he says in a duh tone. “got it.” i say before running into my car, backing out of my spot and waving off chris.

after driving to annas house ,which time felt like it was speeding past me, i got out of the car and let out a sigh i didnt know i had been holding in. walking up to the front door i run over every detail of what im about to say, finally reaching the top of her porch stairs i knock on the door. the door flys open and anna has the sweetest smile on her face.

im guessing she doesnt know that chris told me about what she said since she started talking to me like normal.

“what did i miss at school any hot gos?” she says walking towards her fridge and grabbing a sparkling water. “uhhh no?” i hesitate for a second confused. “oh lame.” she frowns.

“well i have some.” she says.

“about who?” i question even though i have a feeling i know where she is going with this.

“one of our best friends.” she is talking almost as if she is animated. most likely to freak me out, its working.

“ouu interesting.” i reply.

“yeah! so, one of our closest friends is hooking up with chris behind my back, she actually thinks i wont do something about it.” she states in the same animated tone.

“anna you can drop it i know your talking about me.” i say my face blank.

her face drops “oh so you admit it.”

“no i actually came here to knock some sense in to you.”

she hums in response raising her eyebrows. “what the fuck game do you think your playing at anna. i mean seriously, drop this little creepy act your not intimidating anyone. if you knew everything you wouldnt be acting like a bitch right now.” i snap.

“ouu look who grew a pair, im not going to sit here and listen to your fake ass apologies so you can leave and perhaps let the door hit you on the way out.” she says with a smug smile on her face. “anna if you would get out of your own head you could stop yourself from losing two friends who care about you.”

“friends?” she scoffs, “what great friends i have. did you enjoy your movie night or did chris’ dick feel too good down your throat? i dont need you anymore you see, all you do is complain and complain. you wanna act innocent? get out of my house and i wont tell anyone your as fake as you really are.” she scolds.

“you dont mean that.” my heart shatters as my best friend basically tells me im nothing to her anymore. “oh y/n i mean every word.” she waves at me and turns around.

“unbelievable.” i scoff as i walk out.

if there was anything i knew about anna was that she could lie right through her perfect teeth. if she says shes not going to tell people that she thinks me and chris are hooking up, she quiet literally means the opposite. so if she wants to play that game i will too.

im done getting pushed around by her.

i immediately dial chris’ phone number.

ring ring ring

chris answers the phone.

“hey kid, did everything go smoothly as planned?” he asks.

“no, anna is actually the most horrible human being on the planet i cannot fucking believe i wasted years of my life on that bitch.”

“woah woah calm down. explain to me what happened.” he tries to mediate.

“ill be over in 5.” i say before hanging up and getting into my car.

-

i sped over to chris’ house so angry i swear i passed about 3 stop signs.

“anna is actually unreal i never should have agreed to this little deal of yours to set you up with her.” i storm in to chris’ room. he shoots up at my entrance “ok y/n you actually need to chill the fuck out.” he breathes.

“no chris in not going to ‘chill the fuck out’” i mock, “you know what the fuck she said to me?” i say. “what?” he says.

“she said she doesnt need me anymore.” i quote anna. chris’ face drops. i walk over to his bed dropping my school bag on his floor. “how exactly did all of this blow up in your face this bad?” he questions. “well i walked in acting clueless and she kept talking to me like everything was fine and i was extremely confused right?” i explain. “mhm” chris hums waiting for the rest of the story.

“so she started saying one of her closest friends betrayed her and thought they got away with no consequences, so then i just confronted the situation and she took that as me confessing to everything. so i started to explain myself and then she started saying how we are fake people and that if i didnt leave her house she would tell everyone was a snake and fucking you behind her back.” i continue.

“but you left so your fine right?”

“chris do you even know who anna is? like seriously.” i say and he shrugs his shoulders.

“by tomorrow pretty much everyone will be talking about how we got together behind annas back.” i state.

“im so done being pushed around by her. she always called me a buzzkill when i didnt feed into her constant boy troubles. and you know what carson told me, he said that anna has been scaring guys away from me for years. she never saw me as a friend. she only ever saw me as competition. years of friendship for nothing.”

“if she is going to tell everyone that were snakes then let them believe it.” he blurts out.

i make a confused face at him “chris wha-“ he cuts me off “people are going to believe anna no matter what right?” i shrug in response, “so why dont we entertain the idea for them.” he explains

“chris have you actually lost it?” i say. “nope. kid i dont know about you but anna seems like she wasnt the bestie we thought she was.” he says emphasizing ‘bestie’.

“no?” i respond.

“so then lets get back at her, make everyone think were dating.”

“yeah chris i got that but what do we get out of it?”

“you get back at your horrible bitchy best friend and i get a fake hot girlfriend.”

-

thanks for reading xx

taglist: @sleepysturnss @blahbel668 @alorsxsturn @w4nnabeurs @junnniiieee07 @waydasims @accio326 @bitchydragonparadise @matthewsturnioloswifey @iloveneilperry @stunza @realuvrrr @jennss23

a/n: YALLL IM SO EXCITED TO SEE REACTIONS TO THIS. i have the whole story planned out in my head and we are finally getting into the real plot of this story. hope you guys enjoyed.🩷🩷🩷

[stateswscarlet]

Hi!! thanks to you and your threads i finally manifested my sp after (wait for it…. this will be long!!!)

3 years of separation and 1 year of no contact!!!!!!!!!!!!

let this me a reminder to anyone out there struggling or thinking time matters. i was in such a lack state for years and had horrible things happen between sp and i but im telling you i took a healthy way to do this and remembered theres nothing i can do to “make” it happen. i reread so many of your threads and read edward art series from a new set of eyes and decided to calmly shift my state ONCE without the expectation of perfection, making something happen, waiting for the 3D, etc (all of which I did unfortunately for a year and a half and never manifested anything “big”) i just shifted my state FOR me 100%. in that moment i didn’t even care about sp, about 3d, about reflecting, heck i didnt even care if i shifted states right. i just DID IT. now ik what you and alia meant by “just do it” because THERE IS NO OTHER WAY.

anyways after i shifted my state (probably for the first or for real this time in my whole journey), i felt nothing unusual or different in a huge way (coz why would i? if im with sp i wont feel special all day) and i KID YOU NOT SCAR I think it was like maybe 3-4 hours later he (sp) CALLED me on “accident” THREE times. I was so confused as I didn’t have his number saved yet as I recently got a new phone, but then I got a text from him saying it was *his name* and if this number still belongs to me. I didn’t even panic or freak out or even think “omg i manifested this bc of my state!” i just approached it normally and replied saying it was my number. He then told me “suddenly” he keeps getting reminded of me and has been missing me for a while and wanted to see me. We decided to catch up after uni last weeks monday and it was SO GOOD. he “changed” in good ways and yes i will admit it was awkward at first because we hadn’t talked in so long nor been alone with each other but that went away so fast!!!! we kept seeing each other daily for a week and he confessed he likes me a lot, and I did too and told him ive been missing him. he said nothing ever compared to me and that the breakup hit him hard but he hid it from me. he said he has been missing me for a year now (proof that i actually shifted states and dealt with a “new” sp because a year ago he told me he dislikes me, is completely over the relationship and told me to move on because it had been 2 years at that point and he was thinking of seeing someone else). this week on wednesday he took me on a date to our old special place in my city and officially asked me to be his girl!!!!!!

so from shifting my state ONCE and all the way to relationship it took a little under 2 weeks.

oh also - just because in my story i only shifted my state properly once dont mean anyone else is wrong for doing it multiple times!!! a KEY part of the law is knowing that WHATEVER WORKS FOR YOU AND IS NATURAL TO YOU IS WHAT WILL “WORK”. whatever YOU ENJOY imagining is what will shift your state!!!! STOP trying to do everything and worry about stuff thats not yours to worry about and JUST IMAGINE.

thank you again to the loa/ss community and especially you Scar!!! I will most likely still be lurking and supporting you and my other favourites on twt but not as active anymore ;)

OMGGG CONGRATS ANONNNN 🥳 🎉🎊👏🏻🪅

this makes me sooo happy and proud thank you for sharing your success and how you did it!

[benboulette]

Some of my Icemav headcanons frfr

Every friday they cook together and they choose which kind of cuisine they wanna eat every monday, they listen to music on an old vinyl player that they got from mavs parents and they got the vinyls from ice's parents as an anniversary present. All the vinyls are old cheesy 60s

love songs and they like to dance while cooking whenever one of their favourite songs comes on no matter what theyre doing. It doesnt matter if the foods about to burn if be my baby comes on theyre are grooving to it while singing off key.

Along with the songs, they memorized eachothers favourite songs just by observing how the other acts depending on what song comes on. Mav could tell that ice always liked slow songs more because whenever they came on ice would hum and bop his head more than the other songs (he also loves Frank Sinatra and The Ronettes)

Ice could tell Mav was more into bittersweet love songs that sounded more upbeat although it was harder for ice to figure that out since Mav seemed to sing along with his whole heart to every single song they ever listened to, but whenever his favourites came on Mav would move a lot more and genuinely just smile a lot mroe while singing.

The day that the ban on gay people in the navy was lifted (December 21, 1993) they slow danced in Ice's office while kinda just crying in eachothers arms because they were so happy that they didnt have to hide how much they loved eachother anymore (ofc they didnt immediately announce it infront of everyone but they def had to hide less and got to be more open about it even though everyone already had an idea)

Mav's ringtone for ice is literally the song "ice ice baby" and it has been since the song was released.

Sarah was Tom's lesbian friend and they would rant to eachother about the ppl they had crushes on bc they were the only queer ppl they were aware existed around them. (they were actually surrounded by gay ppl they just didnt know)

Mav and Ice used to try to make eachother listen to new artists atleast every month and in that tradition they discovered Joe Dassin which ended up being their favourite artist to listen to together and they always sing his songs in a really bad french. Their first dance at their marriage ended up even being to "Et si tu n'existais pas".

Ice tried to learn guitar with Goose (goose side headcanon: he plays almost every instrument in existence, like if he wasnt in the navy he would be a music teacher in highschool) but Nick didn't tell him that Mav already knew how to play after having played in a band with him and slider in highschool all together. Mav (voc. and guit.) Goose (bass and backup voc.) Slider (drums) and Ice learnt through Slider that Mav knew how to play guitar infinitely better than him after slider caught him trying to learn a love song he was gonna play when he wanted to ask Mav to officially be his boyfriend.

Every. single. time. one of them got deployed the night before they would ALWAYS spend the night together listening to music and dancing the whole time, they always made their last dance "Till Then" by The Mills Brothers and they always cried no matter what.

Mav is an ugly fucking crier and gets snot everywhere but since Ice started being there where ever he was he would always use his shirt as a kleenex so when Ice isnt around when Mav cries he is completely lost and just slimes everywhere.

Before they were official Mav caught Ice singing "If I Loved You" by Dick Haymes in his office once and when he heard him singing he literally felt his heart skip a beat and now he asks Ice to sing for him a lot more than Ice would like. (He likes the way Mav's eyes light up every time he sings for Mav) and before Ice lost his voice he recorded himself singing for Mav and it made Mav ugly cry when he found out abt it

Ice has a journal and he writes about Mav and Mav only in it. Mav found it and cried again.

Ice and Mav keep matching pictures of eachother in their helmets bc Ice refused to get those necklaces that can have pictures inside with Mav so they settled on that bc it was still risky to get caught. They eventually evolved to them just bringing a full sized picture of eachother in the plane anytime they went flying. They also keep pictures of eachother in their wallets and while he doesn't admit it Ice was the happiest he ever was when he could finally stop hiding the picture of them he kept in his office and being able to grow his collection of pictures of them as his office also got bigger was his biggest accomplishment in his own eyes

Wehenever they would fight or something, Mav did the cliche of showing up infront of ices house with a boombox to sing as an apology for Ice, Carol and Goose went with him as his backup vocalists and it always worked.

Once while Mav was on a mission, he got hit (he was fine in the end and someone called his parachute) and Ice was listening to the comms on the ship and as soon as he heard that Mav was hit he had to leave the room bc he had to throw up because his mind of course went to the worst possible conclusion. They both had to be in the hospital in the end bc Ice was breaking down (NOT. breakdancing) and couldnt move bc he was shaking so bad. While they were in the hospital, even though Mav was the one who got hit, he was the one taking care of Ice.

The first song they danced to was Be My Baby by The Ronettes and they both started singing to it at the same time when it came on and had a moment where they looked at eachother like "how tf do u know this song" but turns out its bc they're both hopeless romantics.

They lived together and said they had separate rooms so ppl wouldn't be suspicious, one time Nick and Carol needed them to babysit Bradley and Bradley slept in the room that they said was Ice's, and when he went to bed he asked "Why does Ice have his own bedrooms if he always sleeps with uncle Mav?" Of course they just avoided the question but he ended up asking Goose the same question and he just burst out laughing.

Ice and Mav are the reason that Bradley had a relatively easy time accepting he was bi, he attended their "wedding" when he was like 10 so he never thought bad of gay ppl. (I put wedding in quotes bc in 1992 gay marriage wasn't legalized so they technically only held a ceremony in secret and said they were married, but when gay marriage WAS legalized they immediately made it official)

[pbandjesse]

Today was beautiful and I tried my best to enjoy it. Because I was so incredibly bored at work. It was actually painful. But I did my best to fill the day.

It started late though. I slept terribly. I woke up a ton. My belly hurt. So I let myself sleep in late. It's not like it mattered. There was nothing happening today.

When I got up for real I felt slightly better. My stomach still hurts but I wasn't as upset about it. I got dressed and really liked my outfit. My hair was dirty but it was fine. I tried to braid it but even that wasn't working for me. I just let it be down and lived with it.

James had left for work long before I did. I would get myself and my stuff together, gave Sweetp a kiss, and headed to camp.

When I got there I wasn't sure if Sarah was in the office because the lights were off. But she was there. Just enjoying the natural light. And honestly. I loved that. So we never turned on the lights today.

Sarah said once she was done her breakfast she was going to walk to the lodge to set up for tomorrows feild trip. And I would go with her. We actually would get it all done, the tables, chairs, and sweeping, really quickly. We do a good job splitting the tasks.

It really hurt my wrists moving the chairs. I would just push them around as groups of 4-7 chairs to avoid picking them up. Honestly my hands and wrists have been really bothering me but I am getting my injection on Monday. So I should be good hopefully next week.

I wasnt feeling great. So after we finished the set up I suggested we just sit on the rocking chairs outside. And we did just that. And it was really nice.

Listening to the morning doves and enjoying the breeze. It was warming up fast and it was just really nice being outside.

We would be out there for a half hour before we headed back to the office. Sarah would leave a little before me. And I would slowly make my way back but still beat her. When I got back I made some signs for the next open house. And while that didn't take long it was fine. I would finish my worksheet for tomorrow's workshop I'm doing with creative alliance. And find some emails to answer. It was a slow morning.

I wasnt really interested in eating lunch. I would snack a little bit I just wasn't feeling it. My stomach pain would lessen but I just didn't feel great.

I decided to go for a walk and go see how the tadpoles were doing. I stopped at the car and grabbed my fanny pack hammock. It's not like I was in a rush or busy.

I walked down to the Glen and found two very excellent hammock trees. Set up my stuff and laid there for a long while. I threw my fleece over it so the sun wouldn't be in my face. It was really warm and beautiful. I would just hang out and enjoy the beautiful day and tried not to feel so anxious about how bored I have been at work.

I am really glad we are getting back into field trips because I am feeling like I have in the past when I want to leave jobs and do something else and I don't really actually want to leave camp, I just want to have direction. Next week we have a field trip I think but I also hope to do organizing in the art building and just get more tasks from Heather and Alexi and stop feeling so overwhelmingly bored.

Eventually I would check out the pond. And the tadpoles are growing! They all seem to be lines and rectangles now. Not moving in there but still fun to see the changes. I did see a few large tadpoles too and that was really cool. I did some more searching around in nature. But eventually I packed my hammock back up and went to the office.

I took a different way and saw some cars going to the barn. Sarah and Chloe were also up there too. I was alone in the office for a bit. I had a phone call with Parker about tomorrow and we decided to cancel my workshop on Saturday which is fine, there wasn't any sign ups. But that's okay. I didnt actually want to run it. Ah well. The two I have tomorrow have 20 signed up so its all good. And now I will get to hang out with Callie and have brunch which I wanted to do more anyway.

Parker also wanted to have a conversation with me about teaching a monthly "adult home ecc" class. I am very excited about this idea. And so I would spend some time researching different things I could reasonably do. And I think I have some good ideas.

I would walk towards the lodge again. Chatted with Joe at the nature lodge. Was disappointed that I could have done some painting with him!! I had been so bored. I hope he lets me know next time.

While I was over there I saw Sasha and Chloe over at homestead so I went to chat with them and ended up helping them problem solve a new little enclosure for the chickens. We would use a kiddie pool and some chicken wire with some zipties and made something I think will work out good. We all were helping. But Chloe did the majority of the labor. It was still fun. And we cuddled the chickens for a little bit.

While Chloe was assembling I went to check on the reptiles. I sprayed Sadie the snakes tank because Ceila said it should be more humid. And then I pet Nelly the terrapin and she was very peely and seemed happy to be scritched. She's so cute. I love turtles.

I really want to get a tortoise. That is my next big goal, setting up a tortoise enclosure. Once we have a fence and we are working on the backyard that is something I really want to do. I want just the best enclosure for a tortoise. Someday.

I was enjoying hanging out with Chloe and Sarah but I was also very very bored and a bit to hot. I made it almost to the end of the day. But it was time for me to bounce. I said goodbye to them and went to the office to collect my stuff and headed out.

I drove to the pet store to look for a new fish. And I really like the fish I got. He's really cute. Not a regular betta but one with shower fins. A king half moon. He's much larger then Ari was. And he has a little mustache!! I named him Gomez.

I would also get some more (certified snail free) plants. And was very excited to get my new fishie home.

There was some annoying traffic but it was fine. I was more concerned about the water in Gomez's cup was splashing around. But I found a spot to put him that seemed more secure. And got home around 430.

I washed the plants first and got everything set up in the tank before I introduced Gomez to the water. And once I did I realized that the water was moving to fast for him so I used a ziptie to attach the fake log to the filter so it can slow the water flow and rhag seemed to help. And hopefully the plants grow well and my new fishie can be happy and comfy.

I would walk to CVS after that. First time walked over there since we have moved in. When I got outside I got to meet another neighbor! She was very nice. And I had a nice walk. Even if someone dropped a cigarette from an apartment and almost hit me with it! But I don't think it was on purpose. Still waiting annoying.

The CVS was mostly behind plastic which I hate but whatever. I found what I came for. Paid. And went home.

James came home pretty soon after I did. I was really happy to see them.

We would mostly just chill. James would go record something for their podcast but then would jump into cooking.

I would spend that time going some shells to a moveable type box I have. I saw someone with this on Pinterest and I was like. I can do that. And I don't know where I'm going to hang it yet but I love how it looks. It was a fun little project.

When James came back downstairs they made some fried tofu and it came out good but a little to spicy. I would spend the evening on the couch. I was tired. And just wanted to be cozy. And that is what I did.

We would watch videos together and just hang out. My dad called and told me about his and his new friends chanting for coffee which is so silly. He really becomes the mayor of every room he ends up in. Love him very much.

Eventually I took a bath and washed my hair. We hung out together while I took a bath and James kept filling kettles so the water wouldn't be as cold. I appreciate them so much.

Now I am very much ready for sleep. Tomorrow I am doing my diorama workshops with kids and I'm nervous but also really excited. I really hope they enjoy it.

I hope you all sleep well tonight. Take care of yourself and eachother! Goodnight!

[eddiiiieeee]

currently me and my ex (lets call him Eddie cuz i dunno what else to name him) that i mentioned are friends. but ive recently started dating this great guy (lets call him Saul (he's a big rock fan and adores Slash like me so) yk) anyway, Eddie disappeared for a good week claiming he was busy studying for his IELTs and sleeping during our half term break from school, on a thursday i told him about this guy ive been talking to (Saul). and he asks how old he is and i tell him oh 17-18 and he freaks out saying thats a large age gap (literally not cuz im the same age) so he ends up dipping again once i change the convo and when we get back to school on monday he replies and hes being sort of weird and his texts seem aggressive and i told my friends and my music teacher (my music teachers like my school dad) and they all thought he was jealous because of it and i just felt so angry because i know for a fact i didnt give Eddie my everything, my feelings, myself, my soul, just for the second i even decide to move on and like someone else, he gets jealous, so i decided to wait for him to talk to me, he never did, not even in school he completely avoided me and pretended to not hear me and his excuse was hes been diagnosed with diabeties on top of his already diagnosed but not medicate for, BPD. and then my mom caught me sending my boyfriend, Saul, like semi nudes (like yk swimsuit type pics). and she found out about me and Eddie because she didnt know and so i had my friends log into my instagram account to monitor it for me cuz my mom had access to my phone and all my accounts and my laptop. she ended up ripping all my posters off my door, taking my guitars, pictures that were hung in my room and my record player. shes also before found out about my scars and smashed all my vinyls. so me and her are good now, we're mending our relationship but the only way ive been talking to Eddie is through email and ive been talking to Saul through a secret snap account because she blocked him everywhere and will open my phone sometimes to go through it. basically ive been stripped of everything, saul understood full heartedly when i told him i wont be sending anymore pictures. and it just made me breakdown, because he told me that it didnt matter to him because as long as he gets to talk to me, and hear my voice and see those small snaps i send him everyday then it doesnt matter to him. like he told me he loves me a few days ago. and yet when Eddie said it, he told me he meant it in a 'ur cool' way. like who the fuck does that! anyway todays my grandpas one year, today marks the day my grandpa died and i emotionally shut down. everytime i saw that ive broken down, it just means i freeze up and stop talking, last time i felt something that deep to cry again since my grandpa was when Eddie broke up with me. and its like what the fuck. there is a shit ton i havent mentioned here yet, but theyre very main key points to the eddie story im writing and so i wont mention them rn, but also a little reminder, the titles of the chapters are actually songs you should listen to while reading the chapter

[pompadourpink]

hi maman, i hope you are well! i just came back from france a while ago and i've been having some grown up™ thoughts. i'm 20, and graduating in a year. i wish i had more time, but i need to get on with my life very soon.

until i can pursue my real goal in 2025 (that's when an exam i need to take for a certain career opens up), i have to find something to do in the meantime: work for an international company as a climate analyst in the EU, or go to grad school... again, in the EU. i specify this because that's what all my french is for––leaving the states. i don't even know WHERE yet, belgium felt miserable with all the dutch and i didnt actually LOVE the parts of france i did see (which means maybe i would like normandy, or far south with all that water, but so far idk!)

i hadn't even been abroad before, and i learned how lonely it was. but coming home was lonely too, and i realized that i have to start a new life no matter what in a year's time when i have to move out of this house, and i dont know where to go looking for my next step. i'm scared because i have no confidants, and these are realizations ive come to in the past like... two months.

i like reading your asks because you have so much insight, so... if you have any advice, it would be greatly appreciated.

Hello dear,

I hope I'm on time for this one but my advice is to start working. Not only because it seems to me that a routine would be a relief at the moment (you will spend most of your life working: learning how it works, how to navigate colleagues, bosses, micro-management, a life/work balance, etc., is immensely useful) but also because professional experience can be more valuable than degrees, especially if you get a network out of it (most job offers never make it to the public, everyone hires from the inside).

2025 is far away, and then you still need to take the exam and get hired. You have all the time in the world to research francophone countries, take a Monday off and spend three days exploring new cities here and there, learn about new cultures. The reality is that adulthood is often lonely and I hear grown people regularly complain that they don't have friends and that it's harder to make new ones after you graduate.

Listen to your gut and think. Ask yourself why you didn't like those places, what was wrong - if something was actually wrong, or if you just felt like crap and associated it with your environment. I am of the opinion that friends will find their way to us if we frequent the right places, so there's always hope for a better life if you take a risk, but if you stay behind because you're scared, there will be nothing but regret.

Love,

Mum

[blehcupidd]

Jealous Girl

Chapter One

Xavier Thorpe x fem!oc

A/n: Taken from my Wattpad made at the beginning of 2023, some written mistakes and i had a note about what happen with Percy Hanes White, that note will put put at the end of this chapter.

Also ignore mistakes please i wrote this whilst looking at the tv show so if it says that someone looks at something but it didnt state what, ignore it im sorry.

Series Masterlist

Previous Chapter

The rev of the black BMW echoed through the tunnel as Évangéline and her father drove. It was nearing 6am as the latest song in the radio filled the silence. The endless bags in the trunk and backseat obstructed her view of the passing road. She didn't want to go back. Not if Xavier was still hopelessly in love with Bianca.

She couldn't help to think what was wrong with her. She couldn't discard the fact that Bianca was gorgeous. She was ethereal. Her blue eyes were the first thing she had noticed on the siren, they could encapsulated anyone she pleases.

She just had to go a encapsulate Xavier. The guy she has had a crush on since she first saw him. Was she not pretty enough for him? Was her hair to weird? Did he not like girls with dyed hair? It wasn't even that dyed, only some small strands!

Her overthinking got her nowhere. All she could do over the holiday was to compare herself to Bianca Barclay. Bianca was a siren, Évangéline was a telekinetic. All she could do was move things. Anyone could move things!

The drive was nearing a close as her father past through the woods. "I'm expecting good behaviour this year Evie." He sternly said. Évangéline never really made a ruckus, most people didn't even know who she was. "And remember-" "No boys." "No boys." They both chorused. This had been his rules ever since she was 11. Evangeline had never broken his rules. She always wanted a boyfriend, yet no one wanted her as a girlfriend. Well, multiple people has asked her out; just not Xavier.

The sparkling car pulled up to a building, this building being her school. Nevermore academy, where the outcasts fit in. Évangéline brushed a hand through her pink and brown hair, anxious for the year.

Looking down at her chipping black nail polish, he rather spoke. "Here's your stop." No "I love you" or "enjoy yourself, I'll see you on parents day." Just a "here's your stop."

He had always been like this. It was one moment he cared for her and wanted good in her life, but then shutting her out. He had always been like this.

Using her powers to carry her endless luggage, she watched as all the other parents were hugging, kissing, comforting their children. What Evangeline had always yearned for.

Looking down at her black skirt she carried on walking, blocking out the loving families. She vastly made her way to her dorm in Ophelia Hall. Her roommate, YOKO TANAKA, had been one of her close friends. They didn't really have a choice as they were together a lot of the day and shared a few classes. Yoko knew about Évangéline's crush on Xavier. Basically everyone knew, everyone but the one who really mattered.

Finally up the stairs, she could put her magic to rest. As the French girl is relatively new to controlling her powers, it can be pretty draining for her and couldn't use it for an extended period of time.

Everyone knew the Monday they got back to school was a rest day, giving people a chance to catch-up with friends. Évangéline used this day to keep to herself and wonder around the castle.

Stocking back up her books and clothes, she didn't notice the dark haired vampire enter the dorm with a wolf companion. "EVAN! You're here!" Letting out a small squeal with a jump, the mentioned girl turned around seeing two friends of hers; Yoko Tanaka and ENID SINCLAIR.

She had been texting the two girls all summer about what was happening. Yoko had been to Pennsylvania with her parents. Enid had stayed home with her parents trying to finally turn into a wolf, the efforts only failed. She felt bad for the young wolf, comforting her whenever she needed.

"Enid! Yoko! I missed you guys!" The pink haired replied, giving a tight hug. "Did you hear the news!" Enid said, smiling with her hands in front of her. Just as Évangéline was about to reply Enid interrupted, "Bianca and Xavier as so broken up. Called it quits. He dumped her for unknown reasons!"

Évangéline slowly processed this information. When it settled in all she was thinking was,

XAVIER IS SINGLE!

Quick a/n Hi quick notes on Évangéline and her life -she is French -her mother was a witch -her father is telekinetic -she lives with her father in France -her friends are Enid, Yoko and Ajax -she's left handed -can't draw to save her life

[the-gayest-tree-you-ever-did-see]

oh my god oh my god, i’m wearing my dress on saturday!! tree we are officially living in parallel universes. also your dress sounds so pretty, go live your best cottage core life bestie! (also we totally took dumb photos at prom that is a thing that happened, it’s now canon in the tree-indi universe)

the world is tiny and there’s are a reason it spins in circles- i’m so freaking happy you got to meet your friend!! and come out to them!!

also at prom i met an acquaintance from middle school who got me into the queer side of the internet. and we weren’t friends or anything but i still cried and hugged her when i saw her. there are just some people in the world who completely change your life.

*also every time you mention coming out to more people, just know i’m rooting for you! ilysm harsha!*

awww tree, you partner sounds so sweet, i’m so happy for you babe!! the only telugu terms of affection i know come from movies lmao, but my favorite is banagru konda- like a mountain of gold! that’s so cute! <3

honestly, leave your mark bestie. also i graduated high school and i wrote my initials on the wall, so i understand the urge to be remembered lol.

*rests chin on top of your head cause your itty bitty* mWah! mWah!

i wrote half of this ask like two months ago and finally sent it today, so srry it’s been forever, but tell me what you’ve been up to! 🥰

- indi <3

grrr this is the sixth time i'm rewriting this tumblr better work now!!

YESS WE MATCH!!!!!! it was super fun, i spent a lot of time on the lake and got to talk to one of my friends for hours so i was really happy. we did take photos and we goofed off in a photo booth and all our pictures look horrible but we love them!! hugging you!!!!!!!!!!!

omg.............. youre so right. how dare you blow mind with only a few words im kissing you rn >:( !!!!!!!!!!!! it was really nice to be able to talk to them after so long and it felt so surreal bc like. we're both completely different people now and its like i know i know you but i dont really know you anymore but i still want to connect with you anyway!!!!!!!!!!!!!<333

awhhh im so happy for you!!!!! imagine how strange it would be if you hadnt known them, we never would have met!! :( that is too scary to think about i love you too much and youre the bestest. truly i am mad the whole world doesnt know you but im quite content to have you allllll to myself 🥰

*awh im rooting for you too!! and also to myself. if it werent for the tiny tree hanging upside down from my ribcage and swearing at me, i would not even be here. thanks spideytree! u r a real one. i love you more*

they ARE and i love them to pieces<33 i completely forgot about bangaru konda!! im adding it to my list. no one has ever used pet names for me so the only ones i know are from movies too!! be glad i didnt start singing bangaru kodi pitta honestly. no hate to jeevi garu, but. that song fucks in ways i do not want it to fuck. also i recently remembered chiluka, like parrot so im going to use that too.

CONGRATULATIONS!!!! are you excited to leave, or more nervous about the future? give me ALLL the details ilysm!! with your encouragement i will write tree all over the place! or maybe i will draw little trees everywhere? well i cannot draw. much to think about!

*reaches up on my tippy toes and still barely reaches your shoulders (youre 5'6", right?) and gives you a little kiss on your shirt* mwaH! mwaH! mwah!

dont worry, i love hearing from you no matter what<33 ilysm<3

my internship started monday! we're virtual every day minus thursdays, the first day, and the last day. its really fun, i get paid to sit around and listen, and raid the snack bar every hour!! im living. truly in my gwen stacy era. also one of the facilitators is really hot 😳 he's colombian but he grew up in greece so he's got this cute accent and he told me i had a kind gaze and thats why he's been inadvertently staring at me when he talks to the group of us. we got into an argument over time travel and free will today (plus a couple other interns) and he's super smart and we were literally yelling at each other for 15 minutes straight and the other facilitator had to come break it up bc the five of us were about to brawl lmao. its been really nice!

also im working my way through a ninjago rewatch and im taking more of a liking to cole now, where before jay and kai were my favorites. kai is still top tier but cole is very quickly climbing up. they are so gay!!!!!!!!! *froths at the mouth* IM EATING THEM

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! stay safe and have fun and give the moon a kiss before you go to bed and i will give the moon a kiss before i got to bed and it will be like we are sending kisses to each other!!<33333

[indigo474]

Jan 14th- sunday sunday sunday

i meant to write all week but didnt.. so much happens, all the time.

I stopped to get gas one morning this week. Thursday? yes, thursday i know because i ran that morning and showered before work. As i was getting my gas i just happened to look over at the pump across they way from me and there were 2 guys checking me out.. it made me smile.. they were kids but still.. i looked behind me and there was another guy checking me out.. it use to make me feel a certain way.. not a good way- but this day- it made me feel good and also i get it.. i look good so i really cant blame them for looking..

tuesday i saw James and everything felt heavy. i lifted less but more reps which was fine with me. i was not feeling it..Thursday i dead lifted 200lbs.. another personal record. apparently this is what we do.. we dead lift. there is no limit as to how much we lift. my knees feel better. i ran a few times this week.. not real far.. 3miles. i ran friday morning in my neighborhood.. in the daylight. first time. i feel like i am making progress.. i have this thing about not being seen.. bizarre considering all i really want is to me seen .. but i'm also scared of being seen but i said fuck it.. i didnt have enough time to drive to the park and i really wanted to run.. so i did.. i'm not sure who saw me nor do i care.. progress.

i was in my feelings at the start of the week. there is a guy in my neighborhood who gives me an icky feeling. i know him but i dont. our daughters were friends in elementary school. i dont think he knows me.. but he smokes cigarettes and watches me run in the am. he reminds me of X.. i drove by his house one night and he was smoking with the door open. something X would have done..smoke in the door way -not really outside- smoke goes in the house.. anyway. i heard this guy leave early monday morning.. absurdly early. 4 ish. it reminded me of x, only he would leave at 3 something to go see his baby momma and his baby.. it brought back memories of the bullshit that i lived through and how messed up it all was .. i didnt deserve to be treated they way i was treated considering what X was up to. is this neighbor guy up to no good.. who knows..i'm just glad i don't have to worry about anyone doing me dirty. its kind of weird what can trigger a memory.. the great news is ..it's all great news.. the past doesnt matter- here now!!!

New York!! such a great time. Dancing in times square! Times Square.. electric.. I was so glad to share the experience with Madison. We went to a museum to see Taylor swifts clothes. MAds is going to London in Aug to see swift- and wants me to go. I am on the fence. i need to make a decision by the end of this week. I am amazed by the number of people in the city.. amazed.. it was a fun visit and i would like to go back. weird thing.. we went to lunch and the other mother we were with was super excited when she saw alcohol on the menu .. i told her i was going to have an iced tea because caffeine.. it was like i ruined the party.. i told her to go ahead and order a drink.. she declined. it made me feel weird.

i made it 10 days.. 14 days porn free and vibrator free.. it was a lot of work to make myself orgasm-i'm just happy i could do it without watching porn.

I got myself a book light and i absolutely love it.. and it was on sale. it makes reading in bed so much better.. just a little light.. i actually really love it. im still reading the Bhgavad gita.. i'm still excited for this year.. not so much this winter.. it is cold and i am over it. i think we are getting snow. i hope it isnt true. I am falling in love with myself more and more each day. it sounds weird to say, type, think, feel.. i am in a love affair with me.. i am looking forward to having next weekend off.. i am still waiting for my King... i hope he is somewhere happy. someday i will tell him about all the days i prayed for him before i knew him.

[dreamingofsundreams]

things were different after Salem and I'm not sure why. I got back monday night and have been feeling like a weight has been off ever since. I'm sure it was a lot of things.. the feeling of coming home after wanting to not be there, the feeling of relief when I left and didn't have to put on an act or feel left out, feel like I didnt entirely belong in that group. the relief of knowing that after this trip, I can actually be free. the two opened snapchat were not an accident, and its so funny to me to actually type that out at the grown age of 25. because that is what these "friends" were, just... not for me. I had been outgrowing them for some time now. I just always felt so out of place with them. for so so so many reasons. walking on eggshells, boundaries being crossed, feeling like they were always talking about me bc well they definitely were, feeling like they never stood up for me, that no matter what I was always looked at as the underdog; the bad guy. the sam situation, the Luke situation not only kiera helping him but when Luke verbally accosted me kiera didnt bat an eye. gina being a bitch in general. it was just disrespectful. it was so normalized with them and I just dont want that in a friendship. the quick to anger, when I was trying to help her find the car the "oh my god never mind" like idk, it is just so normalized in their friendship and I just do not want it for myself. if thats how you are when youre comfortable with someone then I do not want you to be comfortable with me. I outgrew these girls a long time ago. and now we all feel it and its good.. its a little sad but damn is it a weight off my chest.

for so long I was so tied to them, felt like I couldn't speak up, felt like I couldn't be with them one on one, felt like they just didnt really like me. I tied so much of myself within these people and was so in my comfort zone with them for years and years. I didnt want to be friends with anyone else. I had them!

truth: I am embarrassed that I cant really keep a friend and especially as an adult it gets harder and harder. most people my age are going through the same thing. but I just cant force these friendships just to say I have these long life friends. most people judge women who dont have lots of close friends. and I get it, some women w no friends it makes sense why they dont have any. but damn I am trying. I want to be a better friend. cue to gina quickly saying "not at all" when Trina asked if we were similar. I wish I had it in myself to shoot back and say wym? why were u so quick to say that? and for the longest time these girls have made me feel so small and awkward and small. and after Salem I knew it was finally time to let go. I dont want to text them. I dont want to keep the friendship going, not how it was. removing Gigi was a great decision because it was a catalyst to me and kiera drifting apart. Salem & the wedding was a good decision to go to because it was a catalyst to me and gina drifting apart. oh and youre welcome for paying you for the hotel I didnt stay in but you getting an attitude when I asked you to help me pay for the parking garage. oh and let me not forget how kiera treated my birthday gifts. when she barely spends a penny on mine. and how can I forget how uncomfortable her family makes me feel and how she would throw me under the bus any chance she got about anything. and how she never stood up for me when her gf were cunts to me which btw, its obvious you talk shit about me to them which is why they already have a predisposed narrative of me which allows them to be comfortable to be rude to me. please dont ever think I never noticed. I may or may not get to say any of this to them. I know I hold onto unsaid shit so I might regret not saying it. but what could I even say? that I feel like they haven't been good friends to me/dont like me?

I just cant do it. and now Ginas having a baby and I wish I knew how to be a friend for her to say yes you are similar. I wish I could be a better friend. person. not get angry. and leave people with the impression that I am mean or bitter. because when I go home I dont talk badly on people unless im mad llol. I wish I got out while I could. oh the places I would be. but these friendships taught me a lot, they taught me to be a better friend, taught me to speak up for myself and never let anyone especially a friend make me feel small, taught me what I dont want in friendships, taught me that there are people out there who will genuinely love me. here is to the beginning of the end of a long, tired journey. thank u.

adding: and when your friend says they are depressed and actively looking for a psychiatrist, maybe dont be a bitch to them.

"I had a vivid dream about u guys talking shit on me" "hell yeah its true" "probably is fake ass bitches"

responding to every single person but me on her wedding picture

[tismemaximusprime]

what do the fuck i even say anymore to you? i've told you twice already how i felt completely forgotten and just here in this. im only here so you can be with k. i cant bring it up to you again bc itll just get lost again or ill receive pity comments or something. why cant you just be real w us and say im just here to let you be w k. like just fucking tell me. i got a fucking compression sports bra while i wait for a binder and you didnt even say anything when i tried telling you about it but automatically i say k got a new shirt and youre like "omg youre so cute". like wtf? i thought you were supportive of me too but anything i say is brushed past but not k. im just here. im not wanted here and i never was and its foolish for me to even think i was wanted for a second. this is stupid and i just cant say anything and dont want to. im not going to say anything. ill go on forever or however long you and k stay together. im just gonna be here unfortunately and always forgotten about. im not important to you at all. and im pretty sure you feel sorry for me or something bc once you say a compliment to k you automatically change it to "both of you" insinuating you always remembered i was here or in the equation. im not gonna say anything at all. and if k brings it up, im fine. im moving past it all and faking it bc this is not love and respect. you do not love and respect me or want me here. im not important and man i truly feel like. i really want to self harm rn. i found the scissors. she tried to hide them but i found them. it doesnt matter and nothing will ever. im just gonna be forever forgotten and abandoned and not wanted but used. i just wish youd actually love me and listen to me. i want to care about you and love you but its so fucking hard when i know for a fact im not. k is though. she is everything to you. i wish i was enough for anyone. i wish i didnt have to force myself for others to be happy w me. i wish i could be happy and not be bothered by this stuff. but like this is a fucking throuple not a regular poly relationship. all three of us are supposed to be communicating and being there for us all. im here for both of you especially k. i used to feel like i could tell her anything. i no longer have that feeling bc it doesnt matter anything i say. its either forgotten and just passed over and never thought again or i get a horrible reaction from you and feel even more like a piece of shit. i dont want you to feel sorry or bad that im not being treated fairly. it doesnt affect you at all anyways. even after all this is said and done and talked about tonight before bed, nothing will change tomorrow. im still on the back burner. im still just here and ive accepted it already. i will not be happy. i will never been seen as equal and i know that now. as much as i was cried to and told it was wrong here we are. why cant i be attractive enough for people? why cant i be pretty or handsome or fit at all? im disgusting and i always will be to everyone. i just thought i looked so good today but nothing. I DIDNT HAVE GENDER DISPHORIA AT ALL TODAY BC I ACTUALLY FELT GOOD. but stupid me for bringing it up but it didnt matter. she probably didnt even notice even though i told her. i feel like garbage. like absolute shit. im scum and dont deserve to be happy. its funny how i finally feel "happy" then bam it was all a lie. gone. my birthday is on monday. ill be 29. prodigy says before 30. lets go.

[driftingandlostwords]

week 1

started draft january 27th

the first week after i broke up with him was really rough it was so confusing and painful. i broke up with him on the 5th and then he told me that he went to go stay with friends that friday night through saturday night. he came back on sunday and said how he had been sleeping in his car the past night and had lied abt staying with ppl. and it just made me so angry that he had done that bc it made it seem like i was a barrier to him having a place to stay when i told him it was okay for him to be here and that it didnt matter to me. it made me angry that he lied to me about staying at peoples places when all he had to do was ask if it was okay for him to stay there. he also had his parents place to go to and i just didnt understand why he didnt take any of those options. sleeping in the car just made me seem like the bad guy that kicked him out when that wasn't the case at all.

he then told me on the night of the 8th that he told his parents that we had broken up when he had dinner with them that day. that was really upsetting to hear because that was not what we had agreed upon. we had agreed that if we broke up that we would tell his parents together since im pretty close to his family. at the time, i didn't fight it because i was too exhausted and it was sort of a whats done is done kind of deal. thinking about it now, i feel like he told me that because he knew that it would hurt me and it would let him have control of the situation. at the time, i just made the mental note to talk to his parents on my own time when i felt more stable to do so. he half slept in his car sunday night and then came back up around 4am or something and i just slept on the couch. monday night he went to stay with his parents and he came back tuesday morning with all the food that his mom had made for us. we went to work separately that day because he "didnt have enough gas in his car." he went to go stay with a friend on tuesday night since he was going down to Houston for a concert on the 11th. funny thing about the concert is that he told me it would be a three day trip when i first asked and it turned out to be a single day - they left wednesday morning and then came back thursday afternoon while i was still at work. when he came home on thursday he was asking me for help with the laundry and then i saw that he was on the phone with jordan in our own apartment while i was sitting outside doing wfh. it felt like such an insult to everything we had talked abt that past thursday (5th)

wednesday was when things got bad again >> i wrote this on 1/27 and now on 3/27 i have no idea what really happened on a week to week basis <<

january recap from what i can remember now [3/27] - the rest of the month was really just a downhill trend. we went from saying we would try to make things work the night i broke up with him to strange/petty/childish behavior not even 24 hours after the breakup. he wouldnt stay at the apartment but he also refused to stay at his parents house or at friend's places. it was his choice to sleep in his car for whatever nights he decided and thats on him - he wasnt about to make me out to be the bad person when i offered what i could to him. he also couldnt make me leave when it was him that destroyed everything we had. i remember at some point he came back one day and just erupted about how he couldnt live there anymore and that it was too much. he ended up going to stay at his parents house since i think they had left for vietnam at this point. he initially agreed to split the rent with me even though he wasnt living there but then wouldnt communicate it with me about it/made it seem like i was being unfair to him when i literally couldnt afford the place by myself. i didnt dump the place on him and it would just be courtesy to return that act to me. instead i got met with petulant childishness. i remeber i asked him to come clean the hamster cage late janurary and he just wouldnt do it because he couldnt be at the apartment. well if you wont take the hamster with you then you gotta come take care of it - its not my pet and you cant take things out on it. it took me telling him to grow up and be mature for him to come and do it. and when he was there he got upset at the stupidest things and then left storming off. at some point he came back for clothes and snapped at me for asking questions when i was just curious what was going on. i got accused of trying to keep tabs on him. and then he did a 180 and said how he couldnt be at the apartmet because it made him upset and then he asked for a hug and just sobbed and hyperventilated on me. there was so much whiplash in that interaction but i couldnt find any ounce of sympathy for him. i cant even really recall everything that happened in between when he left to go stay with his parents and when his parents came back. i know i was able to see his location through some weird glitch. so i knew that he was spending time at jordan's house and that he went down to austin with her. i know that late january i found out through sheyla that he had lied about everything. i knew that he lied to me about the friend group going bar hopping in bishop arts - he and jordan went alone on a date (a date that i actually dressed him for which is fucked up beyond belief). i found out through sheyla that the austin trip was just them two and that he had lied about it being a team trip. i found out through sheyla that he had lied about when we broke up as well which is crazy. if he wanted out so bad fucking leave dont drag me along with false promises and hope and dont throw your friends under the bus to lie to me. i cant really remember anything else that happened in january but finding out all the lies and the constant immaturity are really the overarching things

[namuneulbo]

week twenty-one

*insert twenty one pilots reference here*

this week was gorg mentally. i havent had this good of a week mental health-wise in agessss. also, ive realized im more emotional than usual. its not just this week but all the time. its a permanent thing now? i cry easily when im by myself. like ill cry multiple times watching queendom for some reason? also finished heartstopper and i was SOBBING. full blown cry sesh. i cried so hard. i would show u a pic but i have more self-respect than that. im so glad its getting two more seasons bc its easily become one of my fav shows. im still watching saiki k but im on season 3 now.

it was either on monday or tuesday but after school i went to the thrift store to look for cds for ms bday. i didnt find anything she listens to but theyve said they wanted a varied collection in their car so ppl can find something they like no matter what genre they like. i got a hole cd and a jimi hendrix cd, both bc the packaging was cute.

i met up w l on wednesday. culture club has ended for now and itll be back next fall (i think??). l came to my place and we did,,,, nothing? both our social batteries were low.

on thursday i had a class in the studio and it was more doable than usual and afterwards i went to buy snacks for fridays sleepover. since our friend group consists of six ppl (me, a, e, l, m, t) we had a rainbow themed (like a pride flag) thingy so i had to buy green snacks. i got a cucumber, chips and some dips and apparently chips were not as unique as i though since three others had chips as well TT

friday! sleepover! i thought id get drunk for the first time but i didnt. i didnt like any of the alcoholic drinks we had TT i suppose its good that i dont like the taste of alcohol? i got to try some from t though and i like that drink quite a lot but it tasted just like a less sweet soda lol

it was a fun sleepover though, at least most parts of it and i was surprisingly unbothered by them being there when i woke up. i tend to just wanna be alone after a sleepover but i was fine w them being there in the morning. i also think i felt more relaxed since we slept at my place. i slept w l, t slept on the couch and e and m slept together ofc. a didnt stay for the night.

l was the last to leave on saturday and they helped me clean up and we listened to some rnb/indie and it was all good. i did hw and then took a ,,,,,, 3 hour break. i made myself a frozen mozzarella pizza and watched the latest ep of queendom. it was the fantastic queendom stages and omg... theyre all so good and i might be biased but WJSNS STAGE!!!!!! pantomime???? omg?????? we got pantomime???? also the stage was insane!1!!!1!!!!

sunday. i woke up at 6.50 am. me and l were meeting up at the studio at 10 am although l was the time optimist she always is and arrived 20 mins late anyways xx i was supposed to record vocals for my school project and we were just about to do so when some thingy stopped working and the music wouldnt stop playing for the speakers... bc u know obviously i cant have the track playing from the speakers when im recording vocals in the same room but for some reason it just wouldnt just go to my headphones? so i ended up showing l wjsns pantomime stage and then we played around w autotune just for funsies. after our booked time was over we went to town and they bought us fries w ketchup and béarnaise <2 ty l! we also saw ls idol sitting on a bench so we sneakily sat a few benches away so we could watch him and his friends.

it was a good week.

sotw: lm.c - ghost heart

[foxgirlmoth]

Imma be real I wish I had someone to be unabashedly romantic with since Valentines is on monday, I just really want to cuddle and feel safe with someone. I miss it :c

Might rant in the tags a little h.