#... still i think i'll do a poll anyway to see if people hate it

[dailyedgeworth]

today, a work in progress? bc i think it looks funny but also bc my drawing arm is starting to hurt and uh. i never stretch?

[stxrvel]

hate is a strong word

summary: you hated Bucky and you were convinced that he hated you back. until one time he was talking to you and it started to sound... lovely? what was happening?

pairing: bucky barnes x f!reader

words: 6k

warnings: some bad words, a lot of arguments, a HUGE flashback, a little bit of angst i think? bucky and reader insult each other, reader doesn't like to listen, bucky is easily angered, bucky likes to destroy things when he gets angry but regrets it easily, this is not exactly a healthy relationship(? descriptions of weapons, missiles and buildings being bombed, reader is also very stubborn and likes to put her life at risk… or so.

note: hi guys!! so i came back and i am kinda proud of this one. i think i haven't felt that way in a long time. i gave myself the time to write when i felt like it and it was wonderful, so this came out. also i put the poll for a whole week and i can't change it now >:(, but i think this onsehot fits the angst with a happy ending (im not sure if this fits the angst tho, you gotta tell me) but im gonna try to do something else that fits the vibe, and i'll probably do some other poll to write about someone else. (also i think i should warn you guys that i dont think im that good writing action scenes or tension scenes, so if that's bad i hope you forgive me): anyway, hope you guys like this one!! i love reading your comments so if you want and can, please leave some <33 love you all and see you next time!

part 2

Bucky was really pissing you off too much at that moment. Or maybe you were feeling a little uncomfortable.

He hadn't spoken a single word to you since you had arrived at that tiny house, only shrugged silently and then exploded. You had seen Bucky explode several times before and you admitted that watching him was somewhat entertaining; seeing the faces of frightened people, trying to flee away from his angry face and destructive hands, but physically forced to stand by and listen to his scolding. You used to have fun with that. However, at the time, when you were the extreme recipient of that anger, it wasn't so much fun.

You had already heard a couple of broken glass, shattered wood and metal containers fall to the ground. Maybe five minutes or so had passed and he was barely pausing to look at his artwork. It wasn't too much that he had taken and thrown while you had stayed in the room, but it had all sounded very loud, so you had no choice but to go out and see what he was doing.

You were leaning against the threshold of the hallway to the bedrooms, right across from the living room and kitchen. Bucky looked like he had just finished getting all his anger out when he finally stood silently. He probably thought you were asleep while he was doing all that, as if that sound couldn't wake you up. Was he really that angry about what you had done? You mean, yes, it was very risky, but there you were alive, weren't you?

You felt the best thing you could do was to stay quiet and wait for him to say or do something, because you could risk that angry outburst really coming down in your face. For that moment he had only taken it out on the house, which had nothing to do with your problems, and you didn't want the arguments to start filling the silence that followed his stillness.

But, well, you didn't always do the right thing. That's why you were in that situation in the first place.

“Are you done yet?” you signed your sentence.

Bucky had a tense posture, squared shoulders moving in rhythm with his accelerated breathing. His back was to you, staring at the kitchen counter that had been left completely empty. You knew by the way he was clasping his hands that he was trying to maintain his composure.

“Are you serious?” his voice came out hoarse, a sign of his growing anger.

Maybe you should have stopped there, or when he continued to not turn to look at you, but you just couldn't keep your mouth shut.

“What's your problem, Barnes? Yes, I took a chance, but it's not that big of a deal. It's not for this,” you pointed to the mess around you, even though he wasn't looking at you.

“It's not a big deal, you say?” Bucky moved and you felt yourself watching his angry figure move in slow motion. “What's your problem?”

His beady eyes met yours. You felt a little intimidated by the ripples of annoyance coming off his body, filling the entire room with an unbearable, suffocating tension. His scowl and that strangely calm tone of voice made your hair stand on end.

None of the pieces of glass or splintered wood on the floor looked as dangerous as that expression on Bucky's face. He looked very angry, yes, but there was also something in his eyes when he looked at you. Something like concern… but that was impossible.

“Really, Y/N, what's your problem? Who the fuck do you think you are?”

“Now, what the fuck are you talking about?”

“I was the mission leader!” his voice rose, his body moving forward as he pointed his index finger at himself. “And you were supposed to follow my orders.”

“I did, Barnes, I-”

“No,” he exclaimed, again moving closer. “You didn't do anything I asked you to do! Why can't you just…? Argh.”

You moved back a little as he planted his hands on the dining room table. You felt a little pressure in your chest at the sight of him like this, as if defeated and hopeless. Disappointed. But that was a common thing. That's why you used to have individual missions, and that's why you didn't really like working in a team. You mean, it wasn't wrong to do it, but everything always ended up in arguments because nobody liked the way you worked, so it was better to do it alone, right?

Seeing Bucky like that reminded you of how many times you had seen that look on the faces of Steve, Natasha, Tony, Clint, even Thor… It was never welcome nor were you comfortable with what was coming next, but it was the way you worked, how could you change out of nowhere something you had done your whole life?

Maybe you just had to apologize, sometimes that worked. Because you also knew that, knowing how bossy and caring Bucky was, you should have at least held back a little during the mission. Bucky's patience couldn't stand that sort of thing.

“Listen, I'm sorry, okay? I was a little careless, but that's how-”

“A little careless?” he interrupted you, his voice and face incredulous. "You almost got yourself killed."

“We're in this job under that risk, Barnes, that's not news.”

The man in the middle of the mess ran his hands over his face, elated, frustrated and surely overwhelmed. He let out a sound somewhere between a snort and a growl before turning back to look at you.

“Why can't you just listen?”

His accusing gaze enlarged a hole in your chest that you constantly tried to ignore, planting bitter feelings of sadness that you were usually very good at avoiding. But at that moment, for some reason, you couldn't stop your face from twitching at the strong, hurt tone of the man who looked at you as if he couldn't believe who you are and what you do. It seemed like Bucky was always in denial and today he realized that what everyone always told him was true.

That look, that dull gleam in his eye, that expression of understanding… All of that you were used to seeing, but coming from him it felt different. As if you hadn't really meant to cause those feelings, as if you wanted to turn back time to do things differently. The surprisingly incredulous and remorseful look was digging deep into your head, searing itself with hot iron to make sure to haunt you in the future.

At that moment you didn't care if Bucky realized how much his words affected you. Maybe you deserved to feel that way. Maybe he should have known that it affected you too much, that would surely do more than an apology.

“If only you had listened to me, we would have left sooner and without any trouble,” Bucky spoke again after what felt like hours of silence.

You couldn't take him back. It was true.

“Why did you…? Argh. Whatever. I'm going to report to Fury.”

His figure passed you like a blur. You barely felt his presence very superficially before all was silent again.

Your heart ached again. For some reason, it wouldn't stop hurting that it was still beating.

The day before.

“WHAT?” you exclaimed in disbelief and the director's tired look reappeared.

“It's already scheduled, Y/N, I can't undo it. So just go, try to cooperate together and come back in one piece,” Fury leaned back against the back of the chair, putting his feet up on the desk.

You looked at his shoes as if they were to blame for everything.

“It's funnier to think Bucky reacted the same way,” Tony spoke up, sitting in the chair next to yours, a mocking expression on his face.

“Shut up,” you smacked his arm before turning back to the director. “Sir, you know Barnes and I don't get along and knowing that, what makes you think we'll hit it off on a mission?”

Fury shrugged. “A hunch.”

“A hunch…?” you repeated in a low tone, twice as incredulous that the big SHIELD director had just said that.

“That's it, agent, you're dismissed.”

You left his office on your own, not because you had been dispatched. The walk to the housing complex took you longer than ever at that point.

You'd only had one mission with Bucky Barnes once a couple of years ago and it had been a disaster. Your group missions usually ended with a close call, but that time with Bucky it was like going to hell and back.

You two had never gotten along. Regardless of Fury's hundreds of attempts to get along, you had never managed to vibrate on the same frequency. It seemed more like you repelled each other every time you were together, and it was totally justified because Bucky was too bossy and wouldn't let you breathe for a single second. Every second of the mission had to be ruled by him because otherwise he was going to explode into a sea of rage and, God, no one wanted to piss Bucky off in that Complex. However, you were always the first to tell him that his tactics weren't working or that he was too slow and well, naturally, you ended up arguing.

You met Natasha and Steve halfway to the rooms and from the way they both looked at each other before the redhead approached you knew you must surely have a scrunched up face.

“Did something happen?” Natasha asked as soon as she reached your side and started walking at the same pace as you, slightly more hurried than usual.

“Fury assigned me a mission with Barnes,” you spat out the good news, impossibly frowning harder at the mention of that name.

“Oh,” Natasha nodded. “Well, you could try to work things out-”

“What things, Natasha?” you paused, turning to look at her as everything around you turned red. “There's nothing to fix here, because Barnes is a stubborn, obstinate, childish, bossy, stupid man who is incapable of speaking like a civilized adult and only knows how to shout orders everywhere as if he's the bossy one in the Complex. I can't stand him!”

“Wow.”

You heard his voice.

“I hope you know the feeling is reciprocated.”

You turned to see him, his body was leaning against the island at the entrance to the kitchen, in a strategic spot as if you could never realize he was there because your path was to the other side. Natasha watched between the two of you like a tennis match, fearful as if at any moment the screaming would start and she would have to run away.

You didn't know what to do. You were super angry, yes, and you felt your blood boiling inside your veins, too. And you'd said all that stuff to Bucky's face before, and God knows how many times before you'd argued just by seeing each other in the halls of the Complex. Despite that, you felt trapped. The anger was still there, yes, but his gaze pierced through you like a sword.

“Believe me, I don't want to go on this mission with a stubborn, obstinate, headstrong, ignorant, individualist like you either, who cares not for the safety of the team but for her own victory, no matter how she achieves it.”

With his eyes sharp, his heavy footsteps approached you, echoing in your head loudly like the second hand of a clock. He had stopped at a safe distance as he spoke and at one point Natasha had grabbed your arm when it seemed you had tried to approach him as well.

“You're a hypocrite,” you spat at him.

“Ha! Me?”

“You always play the saintly dove, but you know you're not much different from me.”

“I'm nothing like you,” Bucky wrinkled his face, as if the very thought caused him to shiver with disgust.

“You're an individualist, too, imposing your plans on others.”

“You never have a plan! What do you expect me to do, let you go and die?”

“I do have plans! But you don't like them because they are more effective than yours.”

“They're more effective at the cost of risking more of our lives.”

“That's what our job is all about!”

“Our job is about protecting! How are you going to accomplish a mission if you're dead?”

“Well, I've done pretty well so far, in case you haven't noticed.”

“If I had a nickel for every time you've gone airhead straight into danger and ended up nowhere near dead, I'd have as much money as Stark.”

“And if I had a nickel for every time your stupid, slow plans have caused you to lose sight of the target and made you come back empty-handed, I'd be twice as rich as Stark.”

“At least my kill rate is minus five.”

“And my hit rate is one hundred by the way.”

“Are you even listening to what you're saying?”

“That I always finish missions on the first try, unlike you?”

“That you're treating your life like it's something insignificant.”

“Ah, now you care about my life?”

Natasha tightened her hand around your forearm again preventing you from again getting too close to the man who was getting on your nerves. Before he could respond, you spoke again:

“Look, Barnes, to make it absolutely clear to you for the rest of your long life: I love my life and I love my job. I love my life because it allows me to have this job and I love my job because it allows me to have this life. If you have a problem with how I choose to do the job, that's just that, your problem. But don't think you're coming here to give me a psychology lesson to make me believe that I don't value my life just because now you've run out of arguments. It's because I value my life, Barnes, that I always come out of every mission unscathed. I don't put myself at risk because I'm oblivious. I always have everything figured out and that's why everything always works out for me.”

Bucky snorted, his body moving away from yours, but despite that expression on his face he didn't respond again. He gave you a sidelong glance before walking back into the kitchen.

Your shoulders felt a little lighter. For a moment you thought he was going to continue arguing.

Natasha next to you sighed, finally letting go of your forearm.

“Why did you hold me so tight?” you frowned at her, rubbing the part of your skin that was slightly red. “Did you really think I was going to fight a super soldier?”

Natasha shrugged under your gaze.

“We've known you to do crazy things.”

“I wouldn't have stood a chance of beating him even if he gave me the upper hand.”

Five hours earlier.

You hadn't seen Bucky for the rest of the day after that discussion, until the next day when you had to get on the Quinjet and didn't even glance at each other.

Steve was in charge of handling the airplane and, apparently, he was also in charge of briefing you on how you were going to proceed on the mission, because Bucky was too busy drilling holes with his gaze somewhere else on the Quinjet away from the two of you.

Neither spoke when you descended nor when you approached the base apparently in a state of abandonment.

Bucky's mission were flat and simple, but as usual he had no backup plan, because all his backup plans were the same: run away. Bucky had a chick's sense of survival, that's why when things went bad was the time when he would scream at you the loudest.

Just like it happened on that mission.

“This place is deadly quiet,” you spoke for the first time, barely earning a sidelong glance from the man next to you.

You had already finished thermo-sensor checking every floor of the building and it was indeed desolate. Still, you felt a strange uncomfortable chill run down your back.

“Well, that's what deserted means,” Bucky commented, his sarcasm sharp.

You rolled your eyes at him, even if he couldn't see you, and kept walking with your gun raised as you approached the checkpoint.

“I mean I can't even hear birds or crickets, doesn't that strike you as odd?”

“Well, we're on the fourth floor, wouldn't it make it stranger if you could hear them at this altitude?”

“Well, you can hear at this height. Tell me, do you hear anything down below?”

Bucky paused. They were a few steps away from reaching the room. His deadly stare caused you nothing but boredom and you would have ignored him completely except that he let out a sigh, dejected. You detailed him minutely as he seemed to focus his hearing on external sounds.

“There's nothing,” he spoke after a few seconds, his brow slightly furrowed.

“You see?”

“But that doesn't mean anything. We'd better finish this quickly.”

Ignoring the grimace on your face, Bucky moved to step into the room whose door was wide open. You stared offended at his back and felt the urge to smack his big head with the butt of your gun.

“Here it is,” you heard him exclaim from inside.

Sighing you made your way to where he stood. A large display of old computers anchored to the wall.

“You should do it yourself,” you looked at Bucky with a smirk. “I don't handle equipment this old.”

Bucky only snorted in response and moved with his gun to another side of the room, leaving you in complete silence to do your job.

You moved quietly and sat down in front of the machines. You plugged them into the power source you brought in your suitcase and in a few minutes they began to work.

The mission was simple. There was one of the old HYDRA bases that contained specific information that Fury needed to find. Up to that point, they had searched about seven abandoned bases without any success. So there you were with Bucky, at the eighth base they had identified, digging through old commands and in another language trying to find the information they needed.

Ever since they left the Complex that morning you were convinced you would find nothing. They had already raided several bases and there were still a few more to go. The probability that you would find that information at that time was…

Bingo.

“Got it,” you exclaimed to Bucky.

You heard his hurried footsteps and then felt the warmth of his body next to you.

“Is that it?”

“Just a folder.”

“And why does it load so slowly?”

“It's an old computer, Bucky, it works at its own pace.”

Bucky gave you a sidelong glance. “Wish you understood me like you understand that thing.”

“Aish,” you pouted by way of mockery. “Jealous, Barnes?”

The aforementioned just snorted.

The load was running at forty percent and truth be told, yes, it was too slow. But you could do nothing but wait, there was no way to speed it up.

Bucky paced back and forth behind you and you just watched the green lines move as if that helped at all. But, well, what else could you do?

At one point, as the charge was about to reach eighty percent, you heard interference on your communicators.

“Argh,” you shook your head and raised your hand to move the device a little away until the sound died down. “Steve?”

There was no response.

You turned to look at Bucky, who had the same quizzical expression.

The interference returned and then you heard Steve's voice distorted.

“… of… moment!”

“What the fuck is he saying?”

Bucky remained silent, tapping the device on his ear as if that would fix it.

But you saw it before you heard Steve's voice again.

A clump of people through the window. A freshly loaded cannon.

“Barnes…”

And at that moment, Steve's voice filled them with clarity.

“It's an ambush! Get out of there now!”

The quickness of the impact didn't let you process what was happening. Less than a second after hearing Steve the ground shook beneath your feet. The cracks in the floor started small and then swallowed you apart.

You held onto a beam, barely lucid enough. You propelled yourself upward, swinging your forearms over the patch of ground that was still intact. You heard Bucky's grunts in the distance. He was surely all right.

You heard him call out to you too, but as soon as you could sit down on the ground, the first thing you did was to reach for the pendrive.

Your heart was pounding, so hard it might as well have flown out on its own. Your breathing accelerated, with adrenaline rushing through your body was the only thing you could feel. At that moment you felt capable of anything.

You stood up quickly to look out the window again. The people were gone and the cannon had been destroyed.

It was at that moment that you realized that Steve was still talking on the communicator.

“I'm fine,” you replied, after being able to decipher his words amidst the constant buzzing from the sound of the explosion and the dizziness you felt at the sight of the hole next to you.

“Okay, you're both fine,” the Captain spoke again.

“Y/N, you can get down from there and get to the floor below. I'll catch you.”

At the sound of Bucky's voice, you moved away from the window.

Bucky had landed on the floor below, and yes, from where you were you could jump up and you'd probably have nothing but a cramp.

“How's it going up there?”

“Well, the shields are holding up okay, but I've got poor vision. I think they're regrouping somewhere else.”

You looked around.

Most of the floor had swallowed up the computers, but the main one was still loading the document. You could see the green from where you were. It was at ninety-seven percent.

But it was dangerous to get too close. The pendrive was dangling from the main computer which was about to succumb to the cracked floor.

There was some concrete left in front of the computers that you could walk across, so, without a second thought, you mapped out a mental guidance plan and moved forward.

“Y/N, what the fuck are you doing?”

“I'm getting the pendrive.”

“What? Are you insane? That side of the floor isn't going to support your weight!”

“Yes it will. I know how to do it.”

You started walking all over the remaining edge of the floor in front of what was left of the computers. Small pieces would break off as you passed causing Bucky to hiss.

“Y/N, you'd better stop and get down right now. There's still a risk of them firing again.”

“I'm gonna get it, Barnes.”

“Y/N! Get down, now!”

Ignoring his command, you held onto the remaining wall in front of you as you continued on your way, almost reaching where the pendrive was, about to fall into the abyss.

Ninety-eight percent.

“Y/N!”

“Fucking hell, Barnes, will you shut the fuck up? Your yelling is breaking my concentration.”

“You want me to just stay quiet while you walk to your certain death?”

“I'm not going to dieee- ahh-”

Your left foot, the one in front, wobbled as a piece of the floor came loose. You clung tightly to the wall as best you could, breathing deeply to calm your racing heart. Panicking at that moment wasn't going to do any good.

“God, I can't believe this,” you heard Bucky's voice, muttering to himself. “Now are you really going to get off?”

His voice sounded reprimanding, but agitated. In the midst of that mess, you wondered for a moment if he was really worried.

“I'm almost there.”

You heard him grunt in the distance.

You kept moving your feet in the direction of the main computer, this time more cautiously and more slowly. The floor all along that edge was too cracked, on the verge of falling. You were surprised it had lasted this long.

At that point, Bucky started talking to Steve, but you kept your full concentration on not falling. Maybe Bucky was right and you really didn't have any regard for your life, but…. No, no. You were very sure of what you were doing. You couldn't give up without trying everything. Maybe for Bucky it was too risky, but that was your life. And you knew you could do it.

Ninety-nine.

You had reached the critical point on the ground.

The voices of the two men were becoming too overwhelming, so you quickly took off your communicator and stuffed it in one of your tactical pants pockets.

“What the fuck did you just do?” Bucky exclaimed, a considerable distance away. He wasn't as far away as you thought.

“Your voices are distracting me!”

Good. You were close. Maybe from there you could reach it… if you stretched a little… a little more… a little- Whoop. Nope. You weren't that close. Another chunk of floor fell and with it everything around you shifted. The concrete was so unstable that it tilted further into the abyss after your not at all incredible maneuver.

You had to get even closer.

You had to use plan c.

But for that, the pendrive had to be one hundred percent charged and you weren't sure you could wait for that. Or well, you weren't sure the floor would hold. You had to be quick.

You heard Bucky behind you, but his words were carried away by the wind. You couldn't focus on him because that would be too distracting.

So, arriving at point x, you executed your plan as quickly as possible.

You ran. Even if the world was falling down, you ran. In the direction of the pendrive. The green number didn't change. You took a deep breath. You felt the sparks fly around you. The sound of the ground cracking was going to haunt you in several dreams.

You picked up the pendrive. You would have a few extra seconds as you leaned over and climbed over the computers to gain momentum.

The bing of the computer filled you with a rush of adrenaline.

One hundred percent.

You jumped. You held your breath for a second. Nerves built up in your throat. You felt like you were going to lose consciousness for a minute. Maybe you heard Bucky in the background, you weren't sure, but knowing him he was probably still scolding you.

In the midst of a deep exhalation…

Your feet hit the ground. You rolled. You moved quickly as you turned to see that the ground was still falling. You got up and ran.

You ran until you collided with a solid body. Bucky was shaking your shoulders.

"Are you out of your fucking mind?" he exclaimed, his face angry.

You could hear Steve's voice through his communicator because of how close he was.

“Shit.”

He grabbed your arm and you ran again.

Somehow, Bucky managed to get you out of the building as they bombed it again. You had a gunfight the moment you touched the cold snow.

You moved alongside Bucky like a symphony, aiming and firing with your gun until you managed to get away.

When you noticed that you kept going and kept running…

“Where's Steve?”

“If you had your fucking communicator on…”

Bucky grabbed your hand again to keep running.

You quickly reached a shack that looked abandoned and the man next to you wasted no time in letting go of you and running in the direction of what appeared to be a garage. There was a motorcycle.

You reached into your pocket only to realize that the communicator had been destroyed.

And Bucky looked too angry to want to talk.

“Get on.”

He drove all the way into town, but he didn't stop there.

You were on the road for at least about two hours. You had no idea where you were.

Somewhere along that trip, Bucky stopped in front of another abandoned shack and from there he pulled out a car. He set the bike on fire.

You went back on the road, for at least another hour.

Until you reached a small town and Bucky finally stopped in front of a house that didn't look so neglected.

“They destroyed the Quinjet's shields at missile point. Steve had to leave. We'll stay here until I can get through to Fury and we know what to do.”

His voice gave no room for retorts.

Present.

Well, yes, you were a bit reckless during missions, but so what? You got what you needed thanks to your incredible action plans and always came out unscathed. If you didn't do that during missions, how far behind would they be now in their knowledge against the enemy? They would probably be sitting ducks. Bucky didn't see that.

You two didn't talk for much of the afternoon and evening. You had spent it in the living room, trying to avoid the mess he had made to get something to eat and rest. You had perhaps slept for about three hours when you woke up and saw him sitting in one of the dining room chairs. The room looked cleaner than before.

Bucky sighed when he realized you had woken up.

“I'm sorry I yelled at you.”

You frowned. “What?”

“Earlier when we arrived. And for all the mess,” he averted his gaze when you leaned on your forearm to get a better look at him.

“Don't you think it was the least you could do?” quizzical, you sat back on the couch.

“Weren't you the one who said I don't know how to talk like a civilized adult?”

You rolled your eyes at him. “Sometimes.”

“Well, now I want to. That's why I deeply apologize for reacting that way.”

You remained silent, not really knowing how to answer him. On the previous mission you'd had with Bucky, when the whole mess was over and you were quietly in the Quinjet taking it all in, Bucky had only said “you're fucking crazy” to you before exiting the aircraft. There was no scolding, at least not from him, no complaining, no yelling. Just that. And with that you stayed for a week because you never even saw him again.

Despite the number of times you had heard that, you couldn't see it that way. That was your job, that was what you did and you didn't dislike it. You had done it forever, it was basically your way of life and you had always done it excellently. You trained and practiced for situations like that, that's why you were part of SHIELD's risk management team for so long. You used to risk your life like that to save other people and it didn't bother you. Now you were still doing it, also to save people. There was no dark reason behind it. You were contributing to a common good and that was enough.

“I guess I haven't made things bearable for you either,” you admitted with a hint of remorse.

“No, never,” Bucky shook his head in agreement.

“I'm sorry I scared you,” the words slipped from your mouth. You wanted to say something else, but, well, that had to work.

Bucky let out a short laugh. His head jerked in sync, his shoulders loose as if he didn't have a care in the world. For a moment you felt like you were somewhere else; maybe in a living room, some alcoholic beverage in one of your hands as one of your favorite songs played softly in the background, and Bucky. Bucky sitting in front of you, just like that moment.

Wow. What the fuck was that?

“You apologize for my reaction, but not for what you did?” his sly grin was getting on your nerves. You preferred it when he wasn't trying to upset you at the point of smirks. You never thought that was a weapon he could use against you.

Feelings.

Ew.

No, I hate Bucky Barnes. This is unacceptable. Mind, get your shit together.

“Well, I tried to do that earlier and you didn't care. I don't know what you want from me, Barnes,” you turned your head away, nonchalantly playing with your hair to avoid seeing those light eyes again.

“You'd better leave it at that. I couldn't take that knack away from you if I tried for years,” the sigh that accompanied his words reminded you of something you'd thought of when you were in the building. His face still looked calm, but a little upset by the wrinkle between his eyebrows.

“Why do you care so much about that?” you asked him directly now that you had the chance.

You looked at him as he turned his head away, his eyes roaming over your face, confused.

“Are you asking me why I care about your life?”

Puzzled, you shrugged. His look almost made you think that was a weird thing to ask, but was it really? “Yes. Well…. You hate me.”

“What? I don't hate you,” Bucky shook his head, his face more contracted than before as if you'd said he had cat ears on his head. He looked almost offended.

And that was the really strange thing.

You mean, almost as long as you'd known Bucky your relationship had been based on fights and demeaning adjectives to each other. That he would say that made even less sense than you asking him why he cared so much about you. He had to be pulling your leg.

“What? But I hate you because you hate me,” you explained vaguely, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. That was one way of putting it; that is to say, Bucky never gave any indication that he didn't hate you. Or well…

“I don't hate you,” Bucky shrugged, his nonchalant expression confusing you that much more. “You're just a little… insufferable sometimes.”

You rolled your eyes. “That's just a synonym for hating.”

“I don't hate you,” he repeated, this time turning to look you in the eye. For a moment you felt like your breath caught in your throat and you were going to choke. “I know we argue and say a lot of things to each other, but… hating is too strong a feeling.”

“Are you really serious?” you shook your head to get the extraneous thoughts out; that wasn't the time to make a discovery, to realize you had lived a lie.

“Yes. And just to make you more sure, I wouldn't mind hanging out with you outside the Complex,” Bucky blurted out, matter-of-factly.

Your head went blank.

“WHAT?”

Several seconds stunned.

Bucky barely cracked a smile at your dumbfounded expression. It sure looked like you'd actually seen cat ears grow on his head. The things he was now saying… they didn't make sense. “You dislike the idea that much?”

“Do you want to not say things so drastically different every moment? You're changing my perception of reality.”

Bucky kept his small smile and you had to swallow hard to ignore the warmth that settled in your chest. It wasn't welcome, not at that moment. The sound of that music in the living room in your head was getting louder, as if your own mind wanted to mock your surprise.

“Well, back to your question,” Bucky moved his hands nonchalantly over his lap and your eyes followed his movement unashamedly, “I don't see why I shouldn't care about your life. We are partners, after all.”

Partners? After all you had been through? Were you partners? Did Bucky believe that?

“Are we?” you didn't try to hide the incredulous tone that accompanied your words, because it already sounded like you'd just stepped through the door into a parallel dimension.

“Sure,” Bucky nodded to emphasize your words and the calm expression on his face became more familiar with each passing second. Could it be that that had always been the reality and you had been deprived of it? “We've known each other for five years.”

“I always thought you hated me…” you mumbled to yourself, looking lost because your head recalling every fight of the last few years, since you met him, every tongue out and every exalted word, but his incredible hearing clearly picked up what you said as if you had murmured it in his ear.

“Surely it was a mistake in communication.”

“Mistake?” you frowned at his reassurance. “You always called me stubborn and childish every chance you got.”

“I thought we were annoying each other. Although, of course,” his face became a little more serious, “there were times when I knew you hated me intensely. You said really hurtful things, what was I supossed to do? That's why I never bothered to talk to you like this. You did hate me.”

“Because I thought you…! Argh.”

Bucky smiled again.

“You're the insufferable one, Barnes.”

You hated the way your head snapped back to that image in the living room, so peaceful and calm, so serene and warm, the moment his barely noticeable smile hit you again. You had barely managed to get those words out of your mouth before you felt yourself running out of breath again.

Were you asthmatic?

And why was your head suddenly filled with platonic thoughts you'd never had before in your life?

What the fuck was happening to you?

“This is the longest civilized conversation we've ever had,” Bucky spoke again, his gaze wandering somewhere in the room.

Yes, that was true. Whenever you talked for this long it was always to argue and say hurtful things to each other. But you were too surprised by everything he had said, because just yesterday he told you that he didn't want to come on this mission with you either and in his eyes you were sure you saw something like what you felt. Something of hatred, when you saw your eyes through his.

Did you just… imagine it all?

Did you think he hated you because you hated him too?

Or maybe you wanted to convince yourself that he hated you. Maybe it was easier to deal with that than with the idea that you…

Oh no.

No, no, no. There's no fucking way that's it.

But then Bucky stood up and with his smug, know-it-all, hateful look, with that sly, evil grin, like he'd always known everything, like he was squirming around enjoying your confused stare, he held out his hand to you and said:

“Shall we fix something to eat?”

Oh, no, you were screwed.

--

a/n: thank u so much for reading!! <3

[physics-of-one-piece]

Okay, I wanna get sth off my chest.

It's about Discord, and why I can't join any OP fandom Discord (yet). I will one day. For now, I think I'd be a bit overwhelmed if I do join.

First thing I want all my mutuals, followers and everyone to know is that everyone here is amazing. Genuinely. You all are awesome.

I can't join Discord for OP fandom yet because of the bad experiences in another Discord in another fandom. They weren't FULL BLOWN bad experiences, but damn, did they make me annoyed.

In short, my friends from that fandom watch One Piece. And they were great and supportive, and we have a thread for One Piece in that Discord server for ourselves. Those friends did not spoil anything for me.

And then I got to Dressrosa, and I typed a lot about Doflamingo cus I loved him more and more.

But my friends... They hate him. Okay, that's fine, I can ignore that. Surely if I respect that they hate him, they can respect that I like him?

(the answer to them for that was no)

They were like "just wait till you see Law's backstory with him, you'll hate him then" etc etc. And that was fine, okay.

Saw Dressrosa Takeover, saw Law's backstory. I mean, yeah, that shit is dark, but what do you expect? It's Doflamingo.

They wanted me to hate him. And after that, after I didn't hate him, but liked him even more, with every damn time I wrote something I consider awesome from Doflamingo, they switched to insulting the character I like.

I never go insulting characters they like, but god they kept doing it for Doflamingo. I got tired of it and just stopped talking about One Piece overall with them. Even with fics I wrote in the "writing thread" they nitpicked them, said "that wouldn't work like that, etc etc" and just... Killing the fun of it? Like... What the fuck.

I want to make clear, these were individuals. Other people were cool with it and ENCOURAGED it.

And of course every time I go "I love Doffy" these individuals come up with an insult for him. So yeah, I dipped. They couldn't respect my like for a character and not be at least considerate enough not to talk shit about him. At first, fine, but it started getting overbearing and fckn annoying. Like, a lot.

I hate plenty OP characters but I would never, EVER think of if I see someone enjoy that character of bashing that character, little less on their thread/Discord/tumblr blog. It would NEVER even cross my mind. Why the hell would I want to do that to someone? Hell, I'd ENCOURAGE them to continue enjoying what they enjoy. Bcs if a character makes you happy, and makes it fun, then why tf would I ever try to ruin that for someone?

It just makes me sick how these individuals (who I still consider friends, I don't think they genuinely meant it to come off as them trying to police me or anything, they said it was getting annoying but like he's one of my fav characters of course I'll talk about him a lot that's what you do with favourite characters they don't go on a rant if I rave about Luffy or Law or Cora) were actively commenting how I shouldn't like this character like it would make me like him less?

Sorry I like interesting, evil, demonic character with an iconic laugh and who is one of the top five antagonists in the most popular manga and was in Top 20 characters in the popularity poll? Like... Wtf.

Anyway, yeah... That's the reason I made this blog (there were 100% other reasons like being a nerd and calculating One Piece things 🤣). I needed a safe space to simp over Doflamingo, the Donquixote Family, Dressrosa and everything. And I'm genuinely so happy to have met fellow Doffy fans on here.

You all are great. Thank you for making this a safe space for me and for enjoying and encouraging my Doffy insanity, and for writing and drawing such amazing fics and art of Doffy and everyone else from Dressrosa.

I feel weightless on this blog, free to enjoy the Heavenly Demon and simp for him and discuss him as much as I want with everyone giving their thoughts and encouraging it.

I'm FREE.

I'll join those Discords one day. Thank you all for keeping the invites open.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

aita for not letting my twin see survey results?

i (14N) and my friends (13-14) thought it would be fun to host a survey saying who was most likely to do what. naturally, the quiz took a while to organize and make, because we had over fifty questions and a bunch of different people from two different schools participating. they decided i would be able to make the quiz, since i had enough free time to do so. we also agreed we'd share the results after.

anyways, when i released the quiz and sent it, results started coming in. about fifty percent of our friend group had answered. when i announced it in our groupchat, my twin (14M) asked if he could see the results. i can kind of see why he wanted to see it, since it was all fun and games, but i told him i'd rather have him wait until it was all done so he could laugh about it with our friends at the grand reveal day (because some of the responses were funny. i'd hate to take that momentary surprise away,, yknow?).

still, he kept pushing, saying angrily that i don't trust him and that i'm always hiding things from him. and i'm not going to lie, i don't tell him everything, but that's because i don't feel comfortable doing so. he said that he always shared things with me, including the creation of alt accounts or other things, and he thinks i'm being rude by not reciprocating and letting him know about something trivial like the polls.

point is, AITA? i guess i could've shown him, but i dont know, i didn't want to let him see when no-one else would until weeks later. i feel kind of guilty, he's really mad now and i don't know if i'm in the wrong.

either way i'll apologize,, but i want to know if i have to give the "i mega sucked so i'll let you look now" apology or just the "i'm sorry but here you go" apology

What are these acronyms?

[felineverdure]

do u think the canon jean loves floch & riener? (not talking romanticly only, just generally. just basically what does the word "love" mean? the meaning doesn't always have to be romantic)

if "yes" for both, who do u think he loves more?

also idk if i said this to u before BUT i love ur content on all ur socials. i'm rly happy i'm not the only flojean passionate lover and there's other ppl like me and u. but UNFORTUNATELY i srsly fear on the flojean community from extinction from 2 things, the hate and not being a lot for the flojean shippers to enjoy arts or takes or fics or fanmade mangas etc. that's why i always say to flojean shippers who feel like they wanna quite for those reasons to see it from other flojean shippers perspective too. like u know, let's pretend i make flojean art plus fics etc but i don't see a lot of ppl who support the ship and i also get hate so that made me wanna quite BUT i see one die-hard flojean stan who also wanna quite bc his fav flojean accs are now gonna quite which means EVEN LESS flojean content than it ALREADY is; and since this one die-hard flojean stan wanna quite too, the flojeans fans of this acc wanna quite as well cause one of their fav flojean stan acc is now quitting too AND SO ON...until extinction (hopefully it won't happen)

sry for the rant but the point i'm trying to make is PLS DON'T QUITE bc ur art, takes, the sharing of other flojean posts, ur whole acc is a HOPE for new flojeans to exist and is a REASON for current flojeans to KEEP existing, so this way our beloved community is going to grow instead of dying.

LMFAO ik u might think i'm being sarcastic or being dramatic but i'm not, and for the delivery of words "ur whole acc is a ✨HoPe✨ for new flojeans to exist and is a ✨ReAsOn✨ for current flojeans to ✨KeEp existing✨" PLS i sound like my life depends on this ship LMFAO.

i didn't kno how to get the idea across other than this LOL also English isn't my first language. also ik u might wander why am i saying this to u because u might never have the thought of quiting BUT i just think u might feel like quitting in the future bc i KNOW all flojean accounts have came across these 2 things, the hate, the idea of quitting bc the flojean community is small. that's why i said all these things to u out of nowhere. also it'll be a good idea if u show this to other flojean shippers so they feel more motivated to continue. it'll be even better if u make one similar to this bc u have better choosing of words than me o b v LOL

anyways who jean likes more floch or riener? LOL

Awww thank you ♥️ It does get pretty lonely sometimes when the community is small, I wouldn't say it's the sole reason to get demotivated by that fact. I'll still draw or yap about FJ whenever I want, shamelessly too. 😂 I don't particularly care that it spawns hate or makes people uncomfortable. I get quitting as AoT has long finished so it's natural that the fandom fizzle out especially so if its for ships/characters that are less popular. I also encourage people to actively interact with each other! Go talk to people @ bsky/X. Make silly headcanon posts, polls, anything to make the fandom alive! As for the haters part, unfortunately it can be a strong deterrent from encouraging ppl to make content. I don't blame them for leaving tbh. It is mentally exhausting and especially so if you're in small communities which means having to deal with it alone.

Ok to answer the first part of your question: Canon Jean never actually says who he loves more, so I don’t think anyone can ever give a definite answer in regards to canon. Just a bite sized explanation on what I think of RJ and FJ:

Jean admired Reiner a lot during their cadet days, like most of the 104th. Reiner was that strong, dependable guy who everyone looked up to. So when the betrayal happened, Jean was completely appalled and it probably hit him even harder when he found out the full details later. In Shiganshina, like Connie and Sasha, he was struggling to accept that they have to end Reiner but ultimately learn that he has to. But by Reiner's luck, they failed. When presented with the opportunity to argue for Reiner's life, Jean took his chance. You could argue he was arguing for science and stuff. I chose to see it as that AND Jean trying to save his ex comrade life despite feeling betrayed.

Still, after everything, Jean managed to push those feelings aside to stop the Rumbling. He even saved Reiner multiple times. People argued that it’s just because they couldn’t afford to lose Reiner, which is fair, but Jean didn’t have to give him that pep talk mid-battle, risking his own life. Then there’s that banter between them near the end. Some people see it as joking around and getting comfortable with each other again. I have seen others taking it as serious insults. Personally, I think it shows they’ve reached a point where they can move past the betrayal and just be themselves again.

Now with Floch, he and Jean started out in pretty similar places, but then they were hit by their own traumatic event except they took completely opposite paths. Floch went full extremist, while Jean tried to stick to his morals. Jean was the only person we saw in canon who actually “comforted” Floch or is friendly with him judging by how Floch stuck to him during pre ceremony. Most of their interactions later on is of Floch leaving Jean speechless with his arguments because, as radical as they were, there was some logic to them and that spoke to Jean the practical guy. Jean understood Floch and how he came to be what he is.

I’m sure Jean was super disappointed and disgusted with what Floch did during the Rumbling, but he never wanted him to die! (People need to stop saying that!!) And it says a lot that Jean stayed by Floch’s side as he died, something none of the other Paradis alliances (except Hange) did. In the og manga, he was also seen stopping Floch from bleeding out. I also just realized that Jean showed sadness and was not shocked upon realizing it was Floch who was shot. That shows that Jean still cared about Floch, despite it all.

So, who did Jean love more?

Honestly, I don’t think it’s a matter of “more.” It’s about the different ways he cared for both of them. He forgave Reiner and respected him as a comrade again. With Floch, it was more about empathy and understanding, even if they ended up on opposite sides.

Jean trusted Reiner again.

Jean understood Floch.

Both mattered to him, just in different ways.

Also, I want to point out that even though I used canon events to explain my thoughts, it’s still not canon! Different people interpret these moments differently. In the end, it’s all a figment of our minds. 🙂

[sweaterkittensahoy]

Everything in my "Yarn in House" folder so far for 2025

These are crochet thread size #30 gloves for cosplay purposes.

I've been with Sean for 20 years and never made him a whole sweater, so I had him pick from the patterns I've collected, and he wants this one first. He does not know I'm actually gonna try to sneak in one or two more and surprise him. Also, if you recall my recent bitching about watermarks and people how go way too fucking wild with them, I want to point this one out as an appropriate type. I don't love that it's over the arm, but I get that it's so it can't be fully ignored, but also, it is placed mostly out of the way so you can see the actual design.

Ya'll voted for this blouse to go first when I gave you four options. It'll be made in #20 thread.

The other blouses from the poll. I've got most of the supplies in house save for some thread for this bottom one that's on backorder but due in the next couple of weeks.

(By the way, My Vintage Wish on Etsy fucking rules for knitting/crochet/sewing patterns even if they do use 'retro' incorrectly. I have so many of their patterns.)

Do I go outside in summer? No. Have I made a tutorial about how to resize 1970s ideas of butt sizes so you can fit into these suits? Yup.

Oh, look, the watermark I fucking hate and spend a lot of time image searching to avoid using the photo from the pattern I bought because the watermark is IN THE GODDAMN WAY. Anyway, the yarn for this one is not technically in the house yet, but it's ordered, so it goes in the folder.

Meant to make this guy for the just-passed Christmas season. Yarn's been in the house for months. I just think he's cute.

Sportweight boucle!! Which I found on Knitpicks, it turns out. Definitely double-check color on a couple different devices because I thought I got eye-searing orange, and it's way more mellow than the site photo suggests.

No joke, I get a little giddy when my small unnaturals match the vintage sizing. It's a joke that 36-38 was "big" sizing, but my boobs are now 37", so it's a little thrill to only need to do waist math rather than huge tits math.

Honestly still not sure if this is a teen pattern or an adult pattern, but I'll need to adjust sizing regardless because I have a whole ass. I'm getting pretty good at ass-sizing, honestly. This one can be made in size #10 thread or 3-ply, with the 3-play making it possible to go up to size 18 (vintage), but I have some lovely thread I want to use, so I'll math that bitch.

File under "Things I couldn't make before the smallering because fuck that much math." I am very excited for this.

Also, shout out to the website I get all these mail order patterns from. Glad someone has saved them. I imagine there's loads of these that just got binned at some point.

Added this one last night because I realized I needed a bit more thread for the hat I'm working on. Literally only a bit, but now I've got 1200 yards on the way to make this apron.

My "bitch why" project for 2025. A join-as-you motif dress that will require math to fit. But oh my god when I finish it, I will forgive it all of its sins.

It took several years, but I have finally found a top I can make with a Knitpicks Luminance discontinued color I have. I am very excited.

A 1930s mesh skirt that is literally "make a chain slightly bigger than your waist and get your ass to work." Love patterns like this.

This one is from Free Vintage Crochet which looks like an ad-ware nightmare but is actually a great site for vintage patterns. It's run by a woman who just wants to archive as many patterns as she can, and it's a giant archive of truly free stuff. She does sell some full booklets that have been beautifully restored in PDF (I have a couple), but you don't have to sign up or buy anything to make use of everything here. Definitely worth a deep dive by category if you're into vintage patterns.

Literally chosen because I have leftover yarn from overbuying to cover my ass (literal) for a vintage dress.

The first large project I ever made about two decades ago. And it's still available for free! (If you don't have a ravelry account, I can send you the pattern if you want). Josi was a friend, actually. She passed away a couple of years ago, and I miss her terribly at times. She designed some truly beautiful clothes, and I've managed to scrape together some of her designs that I bought over the years or happened to find on third-party sites. All of the places she sold her work no longer exist. If you have any Josi patterns and are willing to share, I'd appreciate it. The last conversation we had, actually, was about what yarn to use for this skirt. Josi didn't pick the suggested yarns in the pattern; Craft magazine made that call. She disagreed with their choices. She suggested Valley Yarns Leverett as she always meant for the skirt to be made in a light worsted.

Anyway, that's most of my to-make list for 2025 so far. I've got two freehand projects and one cape from a book, so they're not in my digital stack. If my usual average of about 40 projects a year works out here, I've got about half the year booked up.

[all-pacas]

i want to stress! by the way! i love my anons and my asks and i am not asking anything to change, i just find the very concept fascinating. if you want to spam me with anon asks, you know i'll answer them all, even if we were next door neighbors irl or something, it does not matter to me, this is not a shaming post. i'm just fascinated in this meta camchase fandom stuff right now.

i think this ship is starting to become like. forget the characters, i'm getting more and more fascinated by the meta dynamics and why fandom hates/denies it existed (some obvious reasons), but also why they do when every other ship is so celebrated, and how it leads to weird denialism in other meta posts - like i see so many "house in 2024 aus" or "au where kutner never died" or "what the gang is like in a zombie apocalypse," whatever, and in every single case cameron is either not mentioned or chase is given his post-divorce characterization (tinder, dumb whore) despite the relationship/divorce never happening. fandom is determined to pretend camchase never happened (while still liking chase's character growth) in a way that. i don't even think folks retcon stacy this much.

and then i'm also fascinated by the six camchase anon pals i have, not because i don't love you guys, but. how did this happen? how do i get so many asks about this ship a day? do people actually like it? are they just? unwilling to admit they like it? i see @eliotquillon for example also gets you guys (singular, plural, i don't know, guys as a generic term), which makes me think that there is an audience for this ship that latches on to the two… people… who currently seem to post this pairing, which makes me wonder, again, what's going on? why do people so steadily protest the existence of this very canon and character important ship? why is it only a couple people who post about it, and why and how do the anon pals flock to us? why is 99% of fandom determined to ignore and undermine and pretend it never happened when we also like. idk. ship things that have no basis in canon. like you all know i adore chase and 13 prodigal sibling bullshit, but that is a fanon creation, and yet everyone loves them and. i find this fascinating. truly.

anyway here's my poll. hi. i want to study you all like bugs.

[sapphire-weapon]

Hey so, full disclosure but I was that anon who talked about the poll and Barry and Hunk's positions in them. Normally I don't ask stuff in anon but I was feeling spicy today (I did it automatically because I'm a fucking idiot and didn't feel like re writing everything lol).

Anyway, polls. I know polls. I did really stupid daily ones for several months starring various Resident Evil characters. I've also been in the fandom for 26 years and have seen the popularity of characters sway and fade.

Now, something I really need people to understand about popularity polls is... ranking means way less than you think. It's the actual AMOUNT of votes that is most telling. Here, I'll post the image.

Out of approximately 51,000 votes, Ashley got 473. That's a little less than 1% of total votes. Keep in mind she was also a big player in the fantastic remake of the most loved Resident Evil game that is currently the most recent mainline title in the remake timeline.

Rebecca was in an ok movie recently and Hunk... people like to snap necks I guess. Or they like his mask (me). Barry's dad bod got him his spot.

Basically, these kinds of polls are more along the lines of "The top 5 or 6... and then everyone else".

And as for my "Combat Ashley" comments, I was responding to the ask right before mine that wanted her to come back like that. That is the only way I ever see people suggest that she come back and it is so out of character for her.

Claire is my favorite character and I hated it when people would say she was more "mature" at 19 because she could fire a gun. Weapons won't make Ashley a fully realized version of herself. Me saying Ashley should stay true to her character doesn't mean I dislike her. Maybe the people that want to change her character so drastically do though...

Ffs I'm an OG Ashley defender! I LOVE HER!

And speaking of Claire, Capcom already has a hard enough time finding a spot for her now that she took a more pacifist route.

And she has 3,926 votes.

And is in 4th place.

So...

Yeah.

man i've seen this poll before, and it still fucking blows my mind that luis and steve are tied

and lbr it's not even "the top 5 and then everyone else"

it's leon and then everyone else. jill isn't even in swinging distance of him.

let's make this easier to see.

this is just the top 10.

[nightmares-and-stars]

little starry ramble post, since it's been a little bit.

As I tend to ramble very long Ill add a divider so I don't have an extremely large post across the dash, but as a summary: I'm thinking I might tell someone irl close to me about me being ficto, and I'm very nervous about it !! (kinda still on the fence if I'll actually do it or not, perhaps I'll add a little poll at the end to see if anyone wants to cast their opinion on it)

Okie. So !! As I've stated here and there before, I'm still relatively new to being ficto, and so far, aside from on this site, and a few other ficto communities, the only person in the world who knows I'm fictosexual is my therapist (who was the first person to introduce me to the possibility of a sexuality that actually fits me... and then promptly left-due to medical issues out of her control- I'm not upset at her but its easier for me to joke about losing her lmao. anyways)

No one close to me has any idea whatsoever that I am ficto, I talk about my f/o Fade all the time, but thankfully I grew up always obsessing over fictional characters (ha- who knew?) so because of that, them hearing me talk about her all the time is nothing new. I just make sure I keep it casual around them, never specifying that she and I are actually in a relationship together.

I honestly don't think I'll ever tell my parents, while I think if I did, it would take them a bit, but eventually they would accept it, I think in some ways it would genuinely break their hearts, despite knowing how happy it makes me, and idk its kinda just something I don't mind keeping from them. My brother I dont think would really care all that much, but he would probably find it a bit weird, and honestly as close as we are, it just doesn't feel important really to talk to him about.

However, I have a cousin, who I am decently close with. We hang out a few times a year (I never see other cousins unless its a family thing) and she herself, is aro/ace. I feel like out of everyone in the family, she would be the most likely to maybe understand me, and to accept me for who I am. I want to tell her, because then maybe, at least someone else irl who is close to me would at least know, and idk, I'll feel more seen? I know I talk about it on here a bunch, but it just doesn't feel as real I guess? I'm kinda just pouring my heart out to strangers on the internet haha, vs like telling someone who I could actively talk about face to face you know? Its kinda weird I know.

Me being the anxious human I am though, worries. I know some people in the aro/ace community (not everyone, but a few outliers) aren't accepting to fictosexuals. Don't get me wrong I'm still so new to being ficto, I too am kinda on the fence on whether fictosexual/romantic is really a microlabel within the aroace community (leaning for my own personal reasons though!) And I guess I just worry that maybe she is one of the few people who wouldn't accept it.

I also worry that what if she starts to think I'm "weird" and distances herself from me if I do tell her. I know widely it's a bit more common for people to self-ship, and people tend to see it as more of a fun thing to do in their free time, but for me personally, ficto is a big and very real part of my life. I know I usually add the self-ship tag to my posts to keep it more open for people to see, but I dont nearly identify with self-shipping as much as I do with being fictosexual; as in when I say that Fade is my girlfriend, I truly mean it. I'm worried that if I explain that to my cousin, she won't be as accepting as I might think.

Idk, I know I'm a very anxious person, even worrying that omg maybe she'll hate my guts after I tell her, and out me to everyone we know.

...okay I don't think she would actually do that but like thats the kind of things I think about lol.

I wish my therapist was still here for me so I could get her advice on whether I should actually do it or not, but maybe one of you guys has some thoughts on it? Feel free to send an ask, or message me privately, I'd love any advice.

Feel free to send an ask, or message me privately as well! I'd love any advice.

[relatableblorbopoll]

Round 1 of preliminaries, group 3

The first two places get a place on the bracket

Little reminder: there will be 2 more rounds of preliminaries, the losing blorbos of this poll still have 2 chances of getting in the official bracket

Propaganda under the cut

Conner Bailey (The Land of Stories)

"He falls asleep in class and never hands in his work and gets bad grades but has lots of friends and a big imagination. Likes to write fantasy and science fiction (and maybe other genres as well), and bases a lot of his stories on his own adventures with his sister."

Lucy Honeychurch (A Room With A View)

"trapped in a relationship they feel obligated to maintain ? meanwhile meeting this weirdo who makes question marks out of his dinner and stuff? yeah this was so me and one point and literally helped me break up with my shitty ex. i love lucy honeychurch so much, she just wants to play dumb games with her brother and not be suffocated and live"

Greg Heffley (Diary of a Wimpy Kid)

"Let's be honest, most of us in middle school were a whiny self-centric bitches, and he's a prefect example of this. He will make snarky comments and wonder why a small child cired becuase of them, find his older brother annoying, be disgusted by his younger sib, make mean jokes towards his closest friend and just KNOW that one day he'll be rich and do nothing"

Gideon Nav (The Locked Tomb)

"She's a cocky butch lesbian who can't pull, and I would bet real money she's adhd. Incredibly unreliable narrator, partially because she tunes out of anything uninteresting to her (like the plot), partially because she's not on speaking terms with her own feelings. Deep down she's angry, and lonely, and convinced she's not good enough, and she's terrified to look it all in the eye. She'll keep all her feelings right here and then someday she'll die joking about it."

Akaashi Keiji (Haikyuu!!)

"Outwardly chill 99% of the time but a serial overthinker. Once screamed into his hands when stressed and acted like nothing was wrong right after (see: Image link)."

Burgerpants (Undertale)

"My propaganda is his game dialogue: - "(WHY IS THIS PERSON TRYING TO SELL ME SOMETHING THIS IS A HAMBURGER RESTAURANT I'M JUST TRYING TO SURVIVE)" - "What? Why do you keep trying to talk to me? I'll get in trouble if I get chummy with the customers. Sorry. ... SO, I wanted to be an ACTOR-." - "You've still got time. Don't live like me. I'm 19 years old and I've already wasted my entire life." - "Listen. I like you, little buddy. So I'm gonna save you a lot of trouble. Never interact with attractive people." - "Future? WHAT future? Nothing down here EVER changes. I'll probably be trapped at this stupid job forever. - "Ah... my boss. I love that guy. And by that I mean I hate him so, so much." - "Here's a trick, little buddy: Lie to yourself all the time. It makes you feel better." - "Even if it was just working this awful job... I think I did something! I don't know if it's true, but I'll believe it anyway!" - "Huh? Everyone else is DEAD? ... Does that mean I don't have to work today? God. That it were true, little weirdo. That it were true." - "I can't go to hell. I'm all out of vacation days." "

[naughtybg3confessions]

Regarding the dom/sub poll; I ABsoLUTELY do not envision MYSELF with characters personally (no hate to anyone who does!!) so the whole premise is irrelevant to my own experience of fandom.

I picture the characters together more-so, and my Tav's/Durge's are just other characters with their own things going on to me.

Though I might, like, identify majorly with Astarion getting dicked down good by Halsin or some such, and specifically ask to ride my partner next time because I've been thinking about the joy of cock, I don't personally picture characters and myself. It just feels foreign to me, and I'd MUCH prefer to picture characters and their dynamics.

Honestly, I've been in fandom nearly 20 years and I haven't seen a fandom with this much emphasis on self-inserts, OC/canon, original female character/whoever ect.... probably ever?

The closest I can think of would be bandoms (band fandoms)?

I think your experience isn't an uncommon one, and maybe we could have specified in the poll about envisioning yourself or whichever character whose role you are relating to more in the fantasy.

I've been in a number of fandoms, including a couple bandoms, and honestly even in those I saw less self-shipping than I have in the BG3 community, although every fandom has it of course. I also never self-shipped before until the BG3 fandom. But given the structure of the game, it makes perfect sense that it's prone to that kind of thing.

Since people experience the game for the most part as their OCs, there's definitely a spectrum going on here as well. For example, I have this whole elaborate ongoing daydream where my soul has been transferred across dimensions into my favorite Tav's body, who was loosely based on my appearance anyway. So my looks (and to an extent, my personality) are somewhat different from my IRL self, but I'm still identifying myself with them? So it's somewhere in between shipping and self-shipping, but more on the self-side. There are people who see their Tavs as an avatar of themselves, people who see their Tavs as their own distinct characters, and people who straight up ship their literal selves with the characters. And of course, many who ship the characters with each other. (which used to be me, BG3 is amazingly the first fandom where I have no strong opinions about ships and mostly self-ship!)

Anyway, all are perfectly valid, maybe I'll make a poll about it?

[true-blue-sonic]

7-12-16-23 for Silver, Espio and Blaze? (that’s twelve questions I am so sorry)

No worries, I am currently ill at home and have gathered enough energy to tackle it ^-^

Silver:

7. What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you like?

Oh dear.😅 Oof, let's see here... I think that for a side character in a large extended cast, Silver is actually quite popular, and people are warming up to him more and more. At least, in polls that feature him and such he always seems to do quite well? And he's also got a lot of fanart and attention dedicated to him! So that is something that I like: the fact that he's generally well-liked. It's definitely a step up from 2006!

12. What's a headcanon you have for this character?

My very epic headcanon was that he is left-handed, but I seem to have disproven that myself, haha. Another one I have is that with every new season that rolls around, he claims it is his favourite: winter for the snow and cozy times, spring for the new life and pretty flowers, summer for the warm temperatures and long sunny days, and autumns for its colours and epic storms. He just can't make up his mind which one he likes best: he loves it all similarly.

16. What's your least favorite ship for this character?

I don't think I have one; there are many that I am not interested in, but those don't show up so much anyway and I don't have anything about them that I hate, so I just ignore them.

23. Favorite picture of this character?

I can't just pick one, come on!!

I'll take this one because I love the pastel-like colouring, but rest assured I like many more!

Espio:

7. What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you like?

I think people overall have a relatively good grasp on his "place" within the Chaotix: the "straight man" of the team who similarly still is equally silly as the others. I always like seeing that: it's funny because Espio treats it so seriously, haha.

12. What's a headcanon you have for this character?

He can be a bit of a mother hen, being the person most concerned with their finances, ensuring they have enough food, and raising Charmy into a responsible adult. Vector is the face of the Chaotix and the one Espio and Charmy follow, but behind the scenes Espio is the one who helps make sure everything runs smoothly and they're all cared for as best they can.

16. What's your least favorite ship for this character?

Same for Silver: none. It probably helps that I just concern myself most with Espilver and I don't do too much outside that, haha.

23. Favorite picture of this character?

Also here picking one is difficult😅

I'll go with this one because I think it very nicely shows the Chaotix household, and I also like seeing Espio write with a brush.

Blaze:

7. What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you like?

Hmm, I'm trying to think of something, but I don't engage so much with fan content about Blaze, to be quite honest. Though, people who like the Rush series and those who know of and appreciate how hilariously broken Blaze is in those games compared to Sonic when it comes to her jumping ability are always nice to see!

12. What's a headcanon you have for this character?

The reason she's so bad at cooking is because of her impatience: she can control the fire she uses to cook well, it's just that she deliberately makes them go too hard/quickly in order to be finished more quickly. But that usually just means things get burned instead. If she's got someone to help her out and distract her in the kitchen, it'll come out much better.

16. What's your least favorite ship for this character?

Also none ^-^

23. Favorite picture of this character?

This might perhaps be odd, but I adore some of her sprites from Rush!

I think they masterfully managed to capture Blaze's growth from closed-off and grumpy person who isolated herself her whole life into someone who knows that she can rely on others, and who appreciates her new friends. She's just so cute when she smiles! I love how Cream in Rush even deliberately draws attention to it. And the memories I have of the story around them makes seeing the sprites all the sweeter!

[fizzingwizard]

Well, I bought ad-free Tumblr.

I did it because I realized what I would prefer, if I could have my way (aside from just no one needing to pay for anything at all ever hahahahaha), then we'd all pay to subscribe to tumblr and it just wouldn't be free. It'd be like $1.99 per month and all of us would pay it and have no ads and be happy and whee.

Now that's not my serious opinion. I know, for one, what happens when you stick things behind a paywall. Tumblr might not be a scientific journal or reputable news source (lol) but a paywall still divides, still excludes, and that's antithetical to the entire experience of the Internet. And then, there would still be all the other social media sites that have ads and don't make you pay out of pocket, which would sail on with everyone who can't afford or doesn't want to afford tumblr.

Everyone paying a nice, neat, cheap monthly fee or discount annual fee and getting along together is what would work best for me, but it's not realistic for everyone. But, since I'm willing to do it, I thought, why haven't I? And I'll tell you why: Because idk about the rest of you, but much of tumblr really doesn't work that well for me. I have issues with posting, especially with paragraph breaks and trying to move bits of text around. I don't like that posts I reblogged in the past are hidden forever behind "Flagged for mature content" warnings and it's like. A picture of a cat. Not to mention broken music links and videos (which I guess aren't tumblr's fault, just makes me sad). I don't like how pictures seem to always end up sized differently and you have to open it just the right way to see it how you want. Not to mention a bunch of features tumblr used to have that I loved have gone away or been massively de-emphasized: support for music players on blogs, for example. (Yes I still have one but it's a pain the neck.) Polls are nice but I miss that. I also miss convenient free themes - they're still there of course! But finding one that has everything I want (no endless scrolling, clear navigation, visible icon and description, music player, etc) is also a pain and I just end up reusing the same old one I've been using since I joined and recoloring it lol.

So I'd be happier about paying for tumblr if the experience were just a touch cleaner, faster. Oh, and not forgetting about PC users xP I know lots of people use their phone, I do too, it's convenient - but PC is just easier. Well, maybe for teens who can type on their phones at 50 mph it's no big deal. But I love love love my keyboard.

But anyway I paid it so I get a year without ads. Honestly I thought about it and $40 a year is what, ten cents a day? I really don't mind that. I wasn't really bothered by ads anymore since they've been scaled back, but now I can be bothered by them even less, so yay. OTOH, it looks like the subscription auto-renews, which I HATE. If so, I hope they send a warning email a few days before.

Oh and you know what else helped. I did a few youtube searches recently, and wanted to tear out my own hair over how frustrating it was. I just want a list of videos that relate to the subject of my search, not interspersed between "things I've seen before," "random shorts," "things that are similar," "things totally different that Youtube wants to show me anyway." And same thing on Google, Amazon, anywhere. I'm just so sick of it. So I'll fucking pay for fucking tumblr x'D Just work and not be annoying alright!!

I find it amusing that the moment I paid, I got a pop-up asking me to pay more to give ad-free to someone else. I might be more amenable when my pocketbook isn't smarting anymore 9_9

But this was funniest of all:

OK, I can't imagine ever doing it, but I suppose there's someone out there who thinks highly enough of the stuff that gets blazed to decide they want to continue seeing it even after spending $40 x'D But who is paying the fee and choosing show all ads? Please, is there anyone? I want to see a cryptid for myself.

[hydropotato]

thinking about people who drop warframe

So first of all, Youtube is silly. 500 subs to enable monetisation?? twitch only asked for 50 follows. But whatever, I'll get there in due time. I much prefer YT anyways just cos my vods immediately get saved. I mean I have some issues with video quality but I'm not sure what the bottleneck is (bandwidth?).

HydroPotatoVODs aka HydroPotato Live on YouTube btw, if you wanna support me.

It's certainly interesting reaching the part of gaming where you're all caught up, and just playing day to day. I'm up to date with Warframe, there's new story content coming up in a day or so but I know I'm going to accidentally get it all done on day one. When I play I just log on, do whatever, log off. The thing is, this is a perfect opportunity to explore the game's playerbase sustainability.

Thankfully I don't have to talk about another academic sustainability thingy. This is about their player retention. I think warframe's an off-and-on kind of game for a lot of players. I think people will hop on, do the new content, then hop off. The issue is some people leave for ages and it's kind of odd. So I've been observing and listening to different people's behaviours, not only of the leavers but also the current gamers. So here's what I see:

The passionate current players tend to be engaged in some form of warframe fan media. There's loads of warframe fan artists and they're good at a variety of styles, subject matter, and tones. As with any fandom, we got the memers, the renaissance painters, manga artists, and everyone in between. From what I can understand, their creativity enables them to find ways to have fun. One artist, ibumuc, has figured some pretty awesome ways to use the atomicycle (basically a motorbike) to traverse huge distances across maps. Others play around with their drifter and operator and basically make entire OCs out of them. I love this energy. Engaging in media also includes making videos & streaming. Or watching them! I think having community gives you a reason to enjoy the game. Even if you may think yourself introverted, by playing a multiplayer game and interacting with its playerbase, you are in some form socialising! I think that social aspect really helps.

On the topic of Warframe in a social context, it's amazing how sociable the Warframe developers are. I think it helps a lot that you can feel recognised, even generally speaking, by the people who are providing you with this game. They talk about their poll results, they read stream chats, tweets, etc. They feature fan content in Prime Time like fan art, Captura (Warframe's photo mode), and Clan dojo decorations. I think being involved in a community that has its own creators involved is awesome. I don't need any of them to ever contact me directly; I already feel seen when they transparently address community concerns and note their backlog of issues to cover.

Now to the leavers. There's a few levels to this, but is kind of funny when I first mentioned joining and a few of my friends went "oh huh, I used to play that." Some even resumed playing! And currently, almost 300 days since I first began, some of them have put it down again.

I think this partially comes from a lack of personal involvement. Some people aren't interested in being part of the fandom, or just don't have the time for it. These two friends of mine are still happy to chat about it and talk smack about the silliness I encounter, so they definitely don't hate the game. They just weren't really part of the fandom in the first place, and they didn't feel like playing more.

The other kind of leavers are those who complain about the grind. To me, the game doesn't feel too grindy. But I'm a patient lady. Impatience causes people to play the game because they want the reward. The process isn't that interesting to them. When I look at the Wukong Prime Magistar Torid Laetum players who are rushing through sorties, and the Wisp Shedu players sitting in one corner begging everybody to stay at that one spot to fire down a hallway, I see impatience. A desperation to get the job done with minimal involvement in gameplay, either by getting everything done fast or getting it done with minimal gameplay input. How do I say this... this sucks. It's a video game. Have fun or don't. In some way, I am kind of glad for these leavers, because if you're not enjoying the process, if you aren't finding fun in every mission and exploring the variety of build options you have, you're missing the point of playing: to enjoy the game.

All in all, I think Warframe itself is in a good spot. The team isn't doing anything scummy (as far as I can see), they're transparent about working to right wrongs, and they're involved in their community. I think players who leave are valid in doing so because they tend to just lose interest or lack involvement, and I'm glad it's not because of something dramatic. Those who stay tend to enjoy the media within and surrounding the game and its playerbase, and that's great.

[officeobject]

Poll Drama: Hi, sorry for ignoring y'all on purpose, ANYWAYS,

We are back to polls, and I ended up thinking about Barbie Dream Besties, but NOW I actually wanna make it about, like, what's your favorite kind of doll? Antique/old dolls are not included - like, those "creepy" Victorian child dolls, because that was the dolls Colby Tybbles used to play with and feck him. I literally wanna punch something now, because I'm thinking about him, FECK HIM.

ANYWAYS, pros and cons!

Mini-dolls:

Hard to find stuff for

Cute small scale

Not very detailed

Not "embarrassing"

Not that easy to play with

Portable

Baby reborn dolls:

Look realistic, feel realistic, etc

Considered "creepy", "ugly", and other stuff because they look like babies

Easy to fecking RUIN

Great details and artistry

Expensive

Nice cute little coping mechanism or just general thing

Average dolls (like Barbie, Dream Ella, Steffi Love, etc):

Easy to find stuff for

Might look unoriginal or very copy-catty

Lots to choose from

Might come with social stigma - if not, then you're still competing in stores with kids or whatever

Looks like a person, what else is there to say?

Quality may vary a lot, LOL

Baby dolls:

Easy to find, even second-hand

Social stigma package

Made for play

Might be shit-quality or gimmicky

Often has mechanics and a focus on it being cute or realistic

Unoriginal, pretty basic, etc

Anthro dolls:

Creative, unique-looking, interesting, stands out

You will get called a furry as soon as you become even remotely "not a kid", which is fine, except people hate furries for some reason - also, your doll might look fugly because it might not even have been designed by a furry - and also, kids are furries too, if they like Pinkie Cooper dolls or something

Often shit-quality nonsense gimmick dolls for young kids, or look uncanny, or have no thought and logic put into them

Great for furries, easy to make personalities for, extra creative and stuff

Hard to find stuff for

You can maybe find your favorite animal, or one to associate with you, or just generally have a similar relationship with it, as with a plushie

Y'all know which one I'M going for, SOOOOOOO ...

Happy first of December, by the way! I got an orange dough ball that can glow in the dark (allegedly), but I can't see that. I love it, and have realized I prefer the SMALLER NeeDoh stressballs over the average-sized ones - I do still think MAYBE I'd like a BIG one though. I like it a lot, and maybe it will help me a lot, and I'm thinking of taking it tomorrow - I have the DENTIST tomorrow though, which is, like, 1 hour early, so I have to wake up a little bit earlier, and usually it doesn't take LONG at the dentist, so Lord knows how soon I'll actually be back. Anyways, I'm not the ONLY one having this calender (we also both got the Chupa Chups one from someone, which had a strawberry lollipop), and I hope we'll get different colors and stuff, soon, because he got the same. I'm still happy with it though, and the calender is beautiful (not the Chupa Chups one, as it was so poorly designed, and I think it has a teenager on it or something - like, dude, THIS ISN'T HALLOWEEN)!

Well, at least I think I can go back to my usual shit-posting about teens - like, I don't think my blog is accidentally attracting creeps or whatever happened, anymore, so yeah - and I don't feel like tagging everything.

[fictional-orphan-smackdown]

Welcome To The Fictional Orphan Smackdown!

You ever wanted to pit a bunch of people who've gone through terrible (or not terrible, depending on the circumstance) loss against each other to see who's the best? Well, now you can!

There is no proper basis for who the "best" orphan is in this specific poll. Is it based on who's written better? It is based on who you like more? It is based on who would win in a fight? That's up to you!

Before we get started, here are some basic rules on who is qualified as an orphan for this specific poll:

Both biological parents must be dead.

Surrogate/adoptive parents as well as parental figures may still be alive.

If adoptive parents are dead, that counts as an orphan.

If a character has unorthodox parentage (ex. made in a lab, created directly by a deity, ect) and the characters they consider parental figures are dead, that is an orphan.

If they have no confirmed parents, but are theorized to be an orphan, I would have to see the evidence for that theory and judge from there.

On some level, this character should probably be affected by being an orphan (not a requirement, but it will help your chances).

Of course, there will be edge cases and I'll try to judge everything case-by-case, so even if you don't think a character qualifies, submit them anyway! I can't garuntee they get in, but the worst thing I can do is not put them in the bracket :)

Tournament size will be determined by how many submissions I get.

Reblog to help me spread this bracket around! Also here's the obligatory exposure tags:

@video-game-kids-tournament @animateddadbracket @best-bud-bracket @foundfamilyadoptionagency @he-would-not-fucking-say-that @mommydaddyproblemscauser @ninjago-parents-tournament @who-do-i-know-this-man @your-old-sins-tournament @haveyouseenthismovie-poll @haveyouwatchedthisshow-poll @haveyoureadthisbook @moon-swag-tourney @annoyingblondebracket @most-hated-blorbo-bracket @favoritepokemontournament @tragicsibsshowdown @ultimate-good-dog @ultimate-good-luck @cringefaillosershowdown @cringefaillosersummit @weird-song-bracket @wlw-webcomic-bracket @shinypokemonshowdown @foundfamilyadoptionagency @vocaloidsongtournament @blue-hair-and-pronouns-tourney @doll-tournament @fellfirst-fellharder-fight @gentle-giant-swag @worst-mother-throwdown @sigma-showdown @the-ballerina-battle @masked-character-competition