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theperfectladiesman · 8 years ago

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Saiyuki meme part 2

34) What character do you think is least like yourself?

~Probably Ukoku. I’m not a psychopath or sociopath looking to snuff out life and light. And he’s super cunning and manipulative.

35) What is a shipping you’re not on board with? (Be respectful!)

~I pretty much ship nearly everything under the sun for the most part. Or can at least understand or respect a ship. I ship I wouldn’t really be on board with though would be Li Touten x Nataku. Or Dokugakuji’s mom x Doku/Gojyo. Just not my thing.

36 ) Which Saiyuki character do you think could easily adjust to modern times?

~I’d say nearly all the main cast. I think they’ve all been through so much & they’ve learned to get really good with adapting and rolling with the punches. But if I had to narrow it down, perhaps Goku. Followed closely by Gojyo. They seem the most easy going & quickly accepting & adaptable. Likewise, I think Kougaiji would be one of the ones who would struggle the most perhaps.

37) What is your favorite quote?

~There’s A LOT of good ones. Seeing as I have the opposite of a photographic memory... I can’t remember what my fav would be. A really good, memorable one though is where Kou overcame Ukoku’s mind control & gave him the whole speech where he wont be controlled again & his friends helped him to the light. Idk, something to that effect. Maybe I’ll come back to this question later after I find the exact lines.

38) Do you binge read the entire series or read selected chapters?

~Usually when I binge read or binge watch, it’s from start to finish on the entire series. If I just want to research something or remember a specific thing, it’s selected chapters.

39) Are you more a fan of Gensomaden Saiyuki or Saiyuki Reload/Gunlock?

~With the anime, Gensomaden. With the manga, its definitely Reload.

40) Your favorite character became a mythical beast. What would they be?

~This.... is a tough one. If I wanted to take the easy option, I’d say it would be Kougaiji and he’d totally be a dragon. Or if I wanted to be funny, saying Gojyo being a kappa. I could see Hakkai being the male form of a Dryad. But I think my favorite is Sanzo... and the only thing I can think of to liken him to is the Phoenix. Sanzo’s “like the sun” and Phoenix is a sun bird. Phoenix’s rise from the ashes and Sanzo got burned by Kou’s fire and still rose to his feet.

41) If you HAD to choose a character to die, who would it be?

~Well, this doesn’t say -MAIN- character. I wish I could say Ukoku... that would spare everyone so much misery... but I like the psycho bastard. So...Gyokumen Koushu. Then maybe Kou would get his mom back & he could team up with Sanzo!

42) Would you rather: Have all characters die or Have only one survive

~The question is.... would it be like Goku? Have them forget & then be reunited with the reincarnations? On one hand, it would be nice to have one survive to carry on the memory of everyone who died. But....I feel like there’s something incredibly unfair & cruel about having only one survive... so I guess I’d rather them all die.

43) If [character] got into a fight with [character] who would win?

~Lol its hard to do these ones when I’m just answering them myself.

44) What does Gojyo’s marking look like to you?

~I answered this one already, basically, a tribal flame

45) If Sanzo became a demon, what kind of marking do you think he’d have?

~I kinda wanna say something like the youkai Suika. Something small & round on his forehead in place of the chakra. Or it would probably be somewhere more discrete like his back or upper arm, a red color instead of black...idk the shape/design.

46) If [character] died, what do you think they’d be reborn as?

~I think Zakuro would love to be reborn in the golden age (Elizabethanera) cuz that’s when theatre, music, poetry & literature flourished. Perhaps Kougaiji/Hazel in the Victorian age and Ukoku in the Edwardian era... I know that’s not what the questions asking, but it is interesting to think diff era’s you’d put them in.

47) After the journey, what do you think [character] will be doing?

~Hmm... I’ll just stick with Gojyo for this one. Assuming he’s still alive after the journey. I think he’d stick with Hakkai. (grudingly)Helping out around the shop if Hakkai worked/owned a shop. I could see Gojyo maybe being a bar tender or an escort/host... or whatever those equivalents are in the Saiyuki era, or just keeps raking in money with his gambling while being domestic with Hakkai.

48) If [character] had a tumblr, what would they reblog?

~This one’s a fun question. I think if Gojyo had a tumblr, the majority would reflect the 3 things he likes most- women, booze, and smokes. Probably sprinkle in some selfies of himself being all sexy, cheesy pick up lines and puns, maybe some crude jokes, more scantily clad women, and gambling tips. Then there’s probably some stuff he’d reblog for the sake of Sanzo,Hakkai, and Goku if they had tumblr as well. Monkey posts to tease Goku, life hacks for Hakkai, & random stuff that would piss off Sanzo. Probably jokes about cranky old men or something.

49) What is your favorite animated scene?

~umm.... idk... all of Gaiden?

50) [Character]; Boxers, briefs, or commando?

~I feel like Gojyo would have an occasion for all three. Briefs when he’s planning to get with a lady or impress. Boxers when he’s lounging with the boys. And sometimes commando, mainly when sleeping if he has his own room.

51) What 3 or more tropes fits your favorite character?

~ummm.... running gag, ship tease, and funny moments. (gojyo)

52) What are 3 tropes that describe [character]?

~fiery redhead, the alcoholic, and jerk with a heart of gold (gojyo)

53) If Saiyuki got a 4th series, what would it be called?

~Well now that there is a 4th season coming out... Saiyuki Reload Blast XD (now we just need an Ibun OVA!!!)

54) If your favorite character could control an element, what would it be?

~Fav charater’s always been between Sanzo and Kougaiji... though recently I often wonder if it’s not Hazel now. I think Lightning suits Sanzo. Fire for Kou. And Ice for Hazel. Earth for Goku & Hakkai. Wind for Yaone.

55) Was there a character you used to love but no longer do?

~I dont think so actually. I think everyone I love I still do and everyone I hate I still do.

56) What has been the saddest moment for you in the series?

~Yakumo’s death. Yakumo’s whole chapter arc. And the end of Gaiden.

57) What is your favorite anime/manga genre?

~Psychological thriller/horror (but I also like romance & action & drama)

58) Name 5 other characters you like along with your fav Saiyuki character.

~Spike Spiegel, Axel, Seto Kaiba, Zelos Wilder, Alvin Svent, and Snow Villiers

59) Do you prefer subbed or dubbed anime?

~Dubbed. But most of the time subbed is 100 x’s better... obviously.

60) Did you watch the anime first or read the manga?

~Gensomaden anime came first.

61) Do you seek out spoilers or avoid at all cost?

~I avoid them at all cost, most of the time. Unless it’s something I’m not planning to watch or read.

62) Do you write fan fics or draw fan art? If so, link!

~I do, on both accounts. I don’t have any Saiyuki fanfics though. If anyone really want links, I’ll send them privately in IM’s. My Saiyuki fanart can all be found on my blog. Other fan art of diff fandoms is on DA. I only have a couple of completed fanfics on fanfiction.net... most of my work isn’t finished so that’s not really worth linking, I wouldn’t think.

63) What was the most pointless filler in the anime?

~I can’t really think of anything... maybe the sauna one where Goku thinks Sanzo turns into a demon. Or the kitty one. Don’t get me wrong, I loved both those episodes... but in regards to the plot, they don’t contribute a thing.

64) How do you describe Saiyuki to a friend who has never heard of it?

~Four guys travel west to stop the resurrection of a demon lord. Um... there’s lots of humor and action. It’s amazing. It’s.... kinda gay without actually being gay.

65) If you RP what is your favorite thing to Roleplay?

~answered this one~

66) What is your favorite Saiyuki Opening or Ending for the animes?

~The opening for Gaiden is very gorgeous, perhaps that one <3

67) What’s something you think would improve the series?

~HAVING MORE MANGA TRANSLATED AND PUBLISHED HERE IN AMERICA! And bring back some minor characters, that’d be cool to see.

68) Who, in your opinion, has the most tragic backstory?

~Geez... that’s like comparing a life time of stomach issues to someone who has a life time of mental illness... both are equally tragic. If I HAD to pick.... Yakumo.... I’m just gonna go with Yakumo. Technically, it’s not really a backstory but what’s he was presently doing. Having such a kind, soft heart... wanting nothing more but to save, shelter, and raise youkai kids... and choosing to kill them when they go berserk, perhaps with the whole mentality of ‘kill a few to save the whole’. It’s so tragic. Other than that, I can’t choose 1 over the other for tragic back stories cuz everyone has it equally bad in some way.

I guess I can say the tie would be between Gojyo, Sanzo, Hakkai, Goku, Dokugakuji, Hazel, and Nataku.

69) Who would be best at pleasing their lover?

~It kinda depends on what said lover wants most our of their partner and if it’s true love or a fling. If they both knew what they were doing, Goku & Kou would be very thorough, patient, and thoughtful lovers. Gojyo would be best at bringing the skill/pleasure in a pure sexual aspect. Hakkai’s difficult to pin down. He’d be gentle with the same qualities I listed for Gok/Kou.... but he’d have this wall up at the same time. Sanzo... just probably wouldn’t be the best, if he got intimate at all to begin with. Hazel’s so... antagonistic. I’ll just go with Gojyo or Dokugakuji.

70) What do you think Saiyuki would be like if Kougaiji and co were the main protagonists? Do you think you’d still enjoy it?

~A lot less humor and more dark because it would be more from the “villains” POV. Kou’s kinda angsty. I don’t think Saiyuki would be as well recieved and loved from Kougaiji’s & co’s pov... and there’s several characters we might have missed out on.... but I think it’s something I would still really enjoy. If its written by Kazuya Minekura, she’d make it amazing regardless.

71) What minor character had a significant impact on the plot?

~I think that would have to be Hazel Grouse.

72) On a scale from 1 - 10, 1 being not much and 10 being too much, how much does Saiyuki Gaiden hurt you?

~TEN

73) What character is still a mystery to you?

~Perhaps Koumyou or Ukoku (maybe even Yaone in the sense that we kinda know next to nothing about her... that I can recall). But with Koumyou especially, both of them are just so complex & different than I am that they’re difficult for me to understand.

74) What is the funniest moment in the series?

~It really says something about how much a perv I really am if the very first scene that pops into my mind after thinking about what my fav moment could be is.... Gojyo & Goku wrestling & arguing on the bed and that lady walks in & thinks they’re doing, or about to do, something naughty. Oddly, I Really like the scene where Gojyo mimics Sanzo too.

75) Who is your favorite minor character?

~Hazel or Banri or Zenon ...... Yakumo & Zakuro are p great too

76) Which character has had the most growth?

~I think that would have to be Goku

77) Which character needs more development?

~hmmmm........Lirin maybe?

#Saiyuki meme #part 2 #good lord this was long & took forever #but I wanted to do it for myself just for the hell of it & it was fun #when Im up all night with stomach issues & too tired to do anything else this was kinda a blessing

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kuminemo · 6 years ago

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i was tagged by @ropuszysko 1. height- around 163cm i think (?) 2. last thing i googled- 'kampinos' ((a national park in poland, i was reading some informations about animals there, because when i visited it some days ago ive found a whole moose skeleton uh)) 3. favourite musicans- (okay thats going to be a lot here) the cure, my chemical romance, nirvana, joy division, sex pistols, кино, frank iero and the patience, rage against the machine, marilyn manson, siouxsie and the banshees, lebanon hanover, leathermouth, the exploited, nick cave and the bad seeds, girl in red, i think i forgot about some other artists,,, 4. song stuck in my head- psycho killer by talking heads 5. followers- 128 6. following- 166 blogs 7. do i get asks?- ive never got one, so 8. amount of sleep- its either 5-6 hours or 9-10 and no in between, my sleep schedule is terrible 9. lucky number- i dont think i have one?? ive never thought about it 10. what i am wearing?- today ive stayed at home all day so its lazy and basic- black leggins, dark gray long sleeve shirt, black hoodie, mismatched socks (one gray with dots, second is white with stripes) 11. instruments i play- ive played piano for 7-8 years, also one year of violin and guitar (for guitar- currently im trying to learn more songs by myself) i also would love to learn playing bass guitar and electric one!! 12. languages i speak- polish, english, german (learning it for like 6 years but im so bad at it uh), japanese (learning for 3 years i think, but also im not great) and i wish i could learn russian (at the moment i can only read the alphabet and understand some words which are similar to polish or ive learnt them from кино songs oof) 13. dream job- i think id like to do something with illustrating (for example books for kids!!) or maybe comics or animation or photography (?), also im interested in artistic makeup so maybe something with it,,, im still not sure yet, also id like to try to be in a band but i dont think ill be able to have it as my main job, so 14. favourite song- at the moment its vampires will never hurt you (mcr), demolition lovers (mcr) a forest (the cure), the figurehead (the cure), heart shaped box (nirvana) and lunchbox (marilyn manson) 15. random fact- ((god im such a boring person i cant even think of one)) uhh im really not confident and i wish i could express myself the way i want to but im too shy and anxious to change myself that much as i wish,,,, oh and also im going to the art high school and im so excited about it!! 16. aesthetic- gothic and punk fashion from the 80's, victorian era, lace dresses, fishnets, spikes, abandoned places, combat boots, hospitalcore, nature, forests, vinyl shops, pale skin, red makeup, dead flowers, piercings, stargazing, crows, cats and bats, old photography, history of art, romanticism, witchy rings, flowercrowns, the moon, german expressionism, classic horror movies, rainy and foggy days anD ALSO RAINBOW THINGS BECAUSE IM VERY GAY okay sorry for that i just had to i dont want to make someone uncomfortable with this, so im not nominating anyone, but if you see this and want to do it, then feel free to tag me as if i nominated you!!

i was tagged by @corviknightvevo

1. height - 160 cm

2. last thing i googled - спросите рикю [desperate attempts to find downloadable ask this of rikyu/rikyu ni tazune yo]

3. favorite musicians - anouk, kora, siouxsie sioux, zemfira, yuri shevchuk and many more

4. song stuck in my head - nana banana by netta and tokio woggie boogie by shizuko kasagi (i don't listen to either of them)

5. followers - 59

6. following - 75

7. do i get asks? - rarely

8. amount of sleep - it varies, too small most of the time, tho, as i feel guilty, if i sleep for too long

9. lucky number - idk, but 4 is my favorite

10. what i am wearing? - hogwarts sweatshirt, plain sports t-shirt, loose trousers, cannabis socks

11. instruments i play - ukulele, kazoo

12. languages i speak - polish, english, nore less fluent russian, basic german, bits of dutch, few phrases and words in hungarian (and i really mean like 10)

13. dream job - writer, literature translator, voice actor, summer camp counselor, something around karate, but not necessarily a teacher, cultural events coordinator

14. favorite song - jokes on you, it changes every few days. lately it has been ameno by era and lilium from elfenlied

15. random fact - i will be signing up for chado group, if i manage

16. aesthetic - siouxsie make-up, steampunk, chains, angry badges with slogans like 'make abortion legal', every fucking architecture, lo-fi, original mlp from the 80s, mahou shoujo, ukiyo-e, hanafuda, traditional japanese clothing, lace, swamps, deep forest, frogs and toads, flower crowns, wheat fields in summer, running wild, urban areas, belle epoque, warsaw between the wars, baggy clothes, glasses, freckles, fashion history, pole weapon, russian classic literature, vienna, old-school crime, fairy kei, visual kei, lolita fashion and many more

i tag

@kuminemo @weirdponytail

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bliphany · 8 years ago

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Fanfiction Rec Day - Whouffaldi

Whouffaldi fics means a lot to me not only because they were the reason I started to read stories written in English, but also because many of they helped me through all the angst of Doctor Who series 9. Clara and the Doctor’s last era wouldn’t be the same to me, if I hadn’t had their company.

Here are some stories that will remain in my memory and even Time Lord's device won't change that. I chose to include some of the writer’s tags just fyi, please still read the original tags per your preference.

(not in particular order)

we tried the world and it wasn’t for us; by twelveclara

She studies him, a gentle smile on her face. Her eyes are warm and he decides he no longer believes in science, or logic; there’s a light that comes from within her, like she has a sun for a heart; she wisps around, glittering, and her shadows are moonbeams. She drips dark matter and stardust. “If I were human,” he says, “the likelihood that I would exist at the same time as you is slim - unaccountably, unbearably slim - that it’s a risk I could never imagine taking.” [clara and twelve and philosophy; the paradox of love, and, as clara says, she’s an english teacher. there are too many words. 4,200 words.]

sometime around midnight by twelveclara

He struggles between making poetry out of her body and telling her the truth: it’s a difficult combination, needing her to know and needing it to be beautiful. She says, breathless in wonderment, “Oh, the amount of things that had to happen in order for me to be standing here at all.“ [midnight in paris au. 20k words. butterflies in summer; his bones on fire. a writer and his muse. they’re making history.]

Tidal Wave by samchandler1986

Words:5268; Chapters:3/3

This time, it really is their last hurrah.

if anybody could have saved me it would have been you by twelveclara

He spends the night threading stars into her skin and pouring the moon into the craters of her hips; she watches the birth of deep space begin unfolding underneath her eyelids, and the universe is returned to beauty once again. Together, he believes, they could be the greatest story ever told; if only she would come back to him. [an impossible decision and its consequences; she never wanted to live forever. timelady!clara au. in 12 parts. 6k words.]

some mad hope by twelveclara

He’d almost forgotten they were still out there, scattered across the stars and solar systems and galaxies, waiting for him. Ghosts. A curse. She’s gone, but she’s not gone. She’ll follow him forever. The idea enthralls him. Please, he thinks, haunt me to death. “You love her,” she says quietly. [on his way to revenge, he finds answers. maybe they’re not much better. maybe they are. a hell bent alternative ending. hybrid au, 6k words, in 10 parts.]

a theory about us and the universe by twelveclara

“Call it a paradigm shift,” he responds finally, low and delicate. “The Cybermen and their upgrades, the Time Lords and their time machines; you, alive and standing in front of me.” He stops being able to separate idealism and reality, allowing himself a world in which time watches the way he touches her and thinks,finally, you’ve done enough. [post-hell bent, and simultaneously, pre-magician’s apprentice. some people are much harder to tear apart once they’ve been brought together. based off this theory of mine. 10.6k words]

Love Me Like You Mean it by xXdreameaterXx

Words: 52343; Chapters: 37/37

1959. Dr John Smith moves to Texas with one goal in mind: to start over and forget about his past. When he meets Clara Oswin Oswald, a waitress and an outcast with a whole lot of buried dreams he thinks that she might be just what he needs to give his life some meaning. Diner AU. Rated E for later chapters. Whouffaldi.

Orpheus's Rescue by peacockgirl

Words: 34120; Chapters: 4/5; Major Character Death; Face The Raven; Hell Bent

For everyone who liked the poignancy of Hell Bent & Face the Raven but wished for better for Clara and the Doctor. Clara has resolved to visit 101 more places before she dies, but after she discovers the Doctor has lied about losing his memories, will he really be able to let her go? Whouffaldi

The Box Would be Empty by capildissexy

Words:2174; Chapters: 1/1 Major Character Death

Twelve/Clara discuss her mortality. Inspired by the heavy foreshadowing of Clara's life coming to an untimely end.

Oceans of Me and You by laekanik

Words: 1468; Chapters: 1/1

"I'll be the judge of time," and what followed after.

Suited and Booted by levendis

Words: 596; Chapters: 1/1

On the red velvet coat. (Set during "Face the Raven")

Spring Cleaning by levendis

Words: 672; Chapters: 1/1

The box of annoying things. Post-"Hell Bent"

Ways to Make it Through the Wall by levendis

Words: 1946; Chapters: 1/1

Those who can't figure out their mistakes are doomed to repeat them: The Doctor, the Axis, and an infinite amount of chances to screw up all over again. Post-"Hell Bent"

the man who fell to earth by jontinf

Words: 3846; Chapters: 1/1

“Is she your beloved? This Clara Oswald of Blackpool.”

He nearly slices off the tip of his thumb and throws a suspicious glance Bors’s way. “Are you ill, Bors?” he asks. “Have you come down with a case of the bloody flux?”

bones on fire by kissmeinnewyork

Words: 1238; Chapters: 1/1

There are a million different wars he could wage and a million different stars he could burn, but instead he carries on. (post face the raven.)

Absence in a Vacuum (Where is the Feedback?) by midnightxgarden

Words: 4339; Chapters: 1/1 Hell Bent

Clara made some promises when she took a TARDIS and ran away, but does a frozen heart ever heal? (aka the story of how accidents bring the Doctor and Clara back together in spite of what the universe demands)

That Subtle Knot by antennapedia

Words: 1473; Chapters: 1/1 Hell Bent

The Doctor tells his story, then reaches out to touch the waitress's hand. And freezes.

Hiding by xXdreameaterXx

Words: 893; Chapters: 1/1

They never do it in the TARDIS, or her flat. It's like they're different people out there while they're running, like it doesn't even count, like it never really happens at all.

clara/twelve fic: history, like love by twelveclara

There are planets orbiting her eyes and her mouth tastes like the ocean; in her head she hears a shatter, like her soul has pried her ribs apart in a desperate, aching attempt to reach his. “If I could have picked anybody,” he murmurs, “it would have been you.” [these words hurt as much as the truth always does. a soulmates/new girl (but you need no knowledge of new girl, i just took the ‘roommates’ plot) au. 15k words.]

Things We Don't Say by c1araoswa1d

Words: 1977; Chapters: 1/1

Prompt: At the end of Deep Breath, we hear say, “I’m not your boyfriend,” but then the Doctor has to admit to himself he does have feelings for Clara.

One of Us has to Remember by whouffaldigarbage

Words: 2075; Chapters: 1/1

In a moment of panic at the end of time, just before he prepares to wipe Clara's memory, the Doctor goes back in time to Clara Oswald, alive and well. Before she died. Before she lost her pulse. When she was just his Clara. Turns out he's not the only one who misses what they used to be.

Physicians and Phonographs by whouffaldigarbage

Words: 55212; Chapters: 17/17

A Victoran AU. Clara is a maid overseeing the children of a large estate. Struggling with her own desire for freedom and the suitors pursuing her, she feels a profound lack of something in her life. One day, circumstances out of her control lead her to require the services of the mysterious and ostracized Doctor, and a friendship grows between them that leads to something more. Demons from their past come back with a vengeance, society seeks to tear them apart, the supernatural rears its ugly head, and their future stands on the precipice of extinction. Together or alone they could face it all, but the choice is not a simple one.

Rated M for future chapters. Slow burn fic. Angst, humor, the supernatural, and stuffy Victorian romance, with a dash of the original tale of Beauty and the Beast.

i live to let you shine by freloux

Words: 1125; Chapters: 1/1

Blanket fort ridiculousness.

Good Days by samchandler1986

Words: 1211; Chapters: 1/1

He said he never forgets a face. Now, neither does she.

basil and cleopatra by jontinf

Words: 13891; Chapters: 2/2 Hell Bent

Clara and the Doctor if they'd never stopped running.

The Thief by antennapedia

Words: 9679; Chapters: 1/1 Death in Heaven

The Doctor just smashed up the TARDIS console, but he needs to get away from there. He shoves his fingers into the telepathic matrix and goes... somewhere. He doesn't care where. The TARDIS cares, however. This is what happened in between the visit to Gallifrey and the meeting in the cafe.

The Hypervodka Incident by antennapedia

Words: 12086; Chapters: 4/?

There’s some karaoke. And hypervodka. And consequences.

In Your Place by lornesgoldenhair

Words: 7930; Chapters: 1/1 Hell Bent

After years of travelling with Ashildr Clara decides to return to Gallifrey and her own timeline but attempts to Face The Raven fail and she is left in limbo, unresponsive, unable to live or die. Chased by Reapers and Time Lords Ashildr knows only one person can help them now, but can she risk reuniting Clara with him? With paradoxes and rifts opening, Reapers attacking and all hell breaking loose will Clara close the loop and sacrifice herself or will the Doctor take the place of a woman he has forgotten?

The Man That Once Was by xXdreameaterXx

Words: 7802; Chapters: 4/4

The Doctor has reigned Gallifrey as Lord President since the Time War. Driven mad by power he has one goal in mind: the utter and absolute extinction of the Daleks. Until one day a seemingly ordinary human girl attempts to steal his most precious possession just to bring a little hope to the entire universe.

Being Human 101 : Lessons in Physiology by lornesgoldenhair

Words: 21240; Chapters: 9/9

This is set in the universe created by 'In Your Place' wherein Clara gets her heartbeat back after the Doctor sacrifices himself to the Raven, but being a Time Lord with a special connection to his companion, he survives. You don’t have to have read it to read this. The two are different in style too.

In Summary : Clara having been frozen between one heartbeat and the next has to relearn how her body works. Everything from sleeping to processing alcohol, eating to sex, its all hazy to her after 400 years but the Doctor is on hand to help her discover what he describes as 'the fun a working body can lead to.'

Rated M for later Chapters.

A bit of an experimental work in progress.

dim the lights some, whisky lemon by dorothymcshane

Words: 2360; Chapters: 1/1

”Shut up, Oswald.” ”Make me.” In response he turns her around and pins her to the shelf. She gasps, unprepared for losing her control over him so abruptly, and more than a little turned on. ”My pleasure,” he says, his voice seductively husky, and slides her skirt up to place a hand between her legs.

Communicate by xXdreameaterXx

Words: 1253; Chapters: 1/1

The TARDIS translation circuit is broken. The Doctor doesn't speak English. But there are three words that the two of them still understand perfectly despite their communication failure. Twelve & Clara.

All Inclusive by xXdreameaterXx

Words: 34335; Chapters: 21/21

When his sister Missy convinces him to go on a cruise the Doctor has no idea that she is sending him on a party & singles cruise, determined to find him a match. It's even more of a surprise to him when he wakes up the morning after a party and realizes he is married to the annoying woman who vomited on his shoes on the first evening. But all will be well and the marriage can be annulled back on land – as long as he and Clara don't consummate it. Whouffaldi AU.

Running Out Of Pages by UniverseOnHerShoulders

Words: 2589; Chapters: 1/1

Somehow, their evenings always come to this: Clara doing her marking, while the Doctor sits idly beside her and tries to avoid doing anything his companion might deem to be "annoying." So he's surprised when she asks him for background noise while she works - although of course, there are stipulations...

Double shot, and extra hot by redpandanormalpanda

Words: 2346

AU when your OTP are both assholes - the Whouffaldi version. ‘I’m a barista and you’re the obnoxious customer who comes through and orders a venti macchiato while talking on the phone the whole time so I misspell your name in increasingly creative ways every day’

The Edge of the World by infinite_regress

Words: 2262; Chapters: 1/1

The Doctor remembers Clara, his memories return in a flood, and he makes some questionable choices. Luckily Clara is there to pick up the peices

Bookends by samchandler1986

Words: 529 Chapters: 1/1

As the Earth orbits the sun one more time, as the calendar edges closer to counting another year of her brief life, it’s a time for renewal. Like a mini-regeneration. And unlike the TARDIS, Clara’s wardrobe is resolutely finite.

Like Stars by c1araoswa1d

Words: 2050; Chapters: 1/1

Twelve and Clara have a quiet evening of babysitting.

but we're so happy (WIP) by twelveclara

part one: “I knew them both,” Jack says quietly. “I watched them fall in love. I watched them change.” Their knees touch, and her hand is on his thigh, and he’s smiling at her like she’s the sole reason he’s alive; Rory pictures the sun and the earth, orbiting. [punk rock au. from the outside looking in. the song repeats, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, haunting him. so, maybe he’ll never know. 10k words]

part two: Nobody has ever kissed her like this in her entire life; she swears she’s spent years building up to this, decades, millenniums. Somewhere, a star is dying and a galaxy is being born and her head is a black hole; in every other dimension a version of her stops and takes in a breath, missing something. She says hotly, “If we’re already going to hell, you might as well just fuck me tonight.” [punk rock au. she’s the devil herself and he never stood a chance. 27k words. mature.]

#whouffaldi #whouffle #ficrecdays #whouffaldi fanfiction rec #clara oswald #12th doctor #bless all the fanfiction writers #show: we’re all stories in the end #long post

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tube-thoughts-blog · 8 years ago

Text

tube thoughts vol. 6

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star - dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

Joe Bob's SummerSchool edition of Monstervision with special guests a blonde Bride of Frankenstein and a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon plus the feature movie "The Surgeon" *The striking black and white intro flashback throws light on what this flick really is. It's a tribute to those 30s/40s/50s mad doctor horror shows, with quirky 1990s sensibilities laced throughout.* 2 1/2 stars

Everything is Terrible: Summer Fun --------------

*Psalty: Dramatic kids hang out with a blue, scripture talking song book.* 2 stars

*Bike Safety Rap: Don't skin your knees or risk your life.* 1 star

*Central Florida Hell: Dump elderly dad down where Chi Chi Rodriguez dwells.* 2 1/2 stars

*2 Minute Boat Trip: Goober Pudding Jr. is not a COCKSUCKER! Horatio Sanz... who knows?* 2 stars

*3 Minute Heavy Metal Summer: Shock rockers, with a heart of gold, versus yuppy prejudice and slimeball business types at a camp/resort.* 3 stars

*Acting with Tom Hanks: Swimsuit models wanna make their silly dreams come true.* 2 stars

*Conceal and Carry: Speed, women, fanny pack!* 3 stars

*Kidz Conquer Mexico: Another culture exploited by brats.* 2 1/2 stars

*Message in a Cell Phone: Crack the code and get Chad's dad out of prison.* 3 stars

*Birthdays Faith First: Father Tim loves his birthday and Uncle Sam.* 2 1/2 stars

*2 Minute Beach Fever: Kato Kaelin and Jacki Chan enjoy the fruits of rabor.* 2 1/2 stars

======================================================

I'm Alan Partridge: I Know What Alan Did Last Summer *Dodging the tax man.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

"The Day After" --1983-- *"World War 4 will be fought with sticks and stones."* 3 stars

The Twilight Zone: The Midnight Sun *Fever dream.* 3 stars

Heart She Holler: Klansgender Rights *We're all the same underneath a clean, white sheet.* 2 stars

Squidbillies: Granny Hot Foot *Happier than a pig, in shit, who just won the Daytona 500.* 2 1/2 stars

Adult Swim --infomercials-- In Search of the Miracle Man *Interviewing people on the street about their love for a yet to be seen super guru and asking them how often they masturbate, plus keeping a close watch on a sunbathing beauty, in case the guru shows up there. Add in a sing along, act unfunny along, self aware studio audience for even less laughs. A guy from Mighty Boosh and Snuff Box (Rich Fulcher) and a guy from Upright Citizens Brigade and Crossballs (Matt Besser), along with another recognizable face from the Sarah Silverman Show, can all do better and funnier in 12 minutes. Drunk History for example.* 1 star

Freddy's Nightmares: Rebel Without A Car -----

*A mullet-motor-head thinks a cursed muscle-car is his ticket out of Springwood, but maybe he should have taken his girl's advice and sought a smarter path.* 2 1/2 stars

*A girl, from the wrong side of the tracks, gets accepted to be a Cinderella slave for snobbish sorrority sisters, during hellish hazing, where they hope to put her on the road.Instead, she turns Carrie, on the cunts, and burns the house to the ground.* 2 1/2 stars

------------------------

Swamp Thing: Falco *"Nature is a maniac!" That's pretty existential for a falcon unwillingly turned half human by the arrogant Arcane. Overly dramatic and unintentionally funny.* 3 stars

Jonny Quest: Treasure of the Temple *Masterfully animated Mayan adventure.* 3 stars

Kolchak, the Night Stalker: The Night Strangler *Gritty Civil War era alchemy, and a Victorian Era style Jack the Ripper killer, in the dark alleys and underground of a Pacific Northwest seaport town.* 3 stars

12:01 Beyond --Halloween special-- -2014- =====================

*The Victim's Family - Have A Nice Day (music video): Skeletal puppets kick your face in and tell you to enjoy your shitty job and life.* close to 3 stars

*Fulfilled, A Halloween Story: A modern Lovecraftian tragic figure refuses to join in on the pop culture / commercial celebrations of Halloween and instead chooses to spend All Hallow's Eve, and possibly eternity, in the Twilight Zone.* close to 3 stars

*Trailer for Dario Argento's "Creepers": 3 stars

*Vintage WXXA cHANNEL 23 - Halloween movie marathon commercial for their movie lineup including 'An American Werewolf in London', 'House', 'Videodrome', 'Psycho 3': 3 stars

*"Horror of the Zombies" 1973: A millionaire, a money hungry mercenary type, and an agency of modeling get involved in a publicity stunt that would leave some models stranded in a boat on the sea. However, they all wind up in some interdimensional fog and end up boarding a ghost-ship where the blind monks of Mestophilles roam.* 2 stars

*Monster Rally Movie: Advertisement for an old horror host Channel 4 show.* 3 stars

*Pumpkin Madness 2: Ordinary pumpkins let loose destructive behavior.* 2 1/2 stars

*Animation in the style of Superjail or the video for Paranoid Android by Mariola Brillowska.* 3 stars

*Phantasm's 'The Tall Man' promotes Fangoria magazine.* 2 1/2 stars

*Fleishcher Studios- Superman - The Mummy Strikes.* 3 stars

*A Republic Pictures serial - The Crimson Ghost - Atomic Peril: A criminal mastermimd is so determined to get his hands on a device that will bring the world's electrical will to its knees, that he's willing to prevent its use in bringing the Cold War to a close.* 2 1/2 stars

*Fight the monster of pay and or cable tv in an awesome retro anti-cable tv advertisement shown to a paying movie theater audience.* 3 stars

======================================================

Star Wars Rebels: Rise of the Old Masters *A Sith inquisitor lures roam Jedi to their doom, using the bones of a Jedi Master.the Empire is putting out false distress signals saying that the master is alive and in need of a prison escape rescue.* 3 stars

TMNT: The Croaking *After watching Thundarr the Barbarian, Mikey spazzes out and destroys the farmhouse. When scolded, flees to the forest where he encounters Napoleon Bonafrog (voiced by Napoleon Dynamite) who happens to be the outcast of his own tree-frog human-hating society.* 3 stars

Everything is Terrible --Halloween Bonus-- --2012-- =========================

*Cosby Nightmarez: Bill takes a break from drugging women to have his own bad dream.* 3 stars

*Tim Curry Halloween Song: A crooning wizard makes the witches howl.* 3 stars

*Vincent Price: An elderly icon shills 3D film cameras.* 2 stars

*3 Minute Grandpa is a Vampire: Grandpa Munster hangs out with his radical 90s grandson and his grandson's friend while grandma tries to cheat on him and put a stake thru his old heart.* 2 1/2 stars

*Boogie Bonez: "Knick Knack Paddywhack"* 3 stars

*Death Spa: Don't let an exorcist hacker control your electronic gym, if you're a cheating ex and give memberships to jerk yuppies.* 3 stars

*Halloween Propaganda: "Every Halloween, children are dying."* 3 stars

*Lovely Little Monster: Anne Rice chick hip hop. Dance routine sign language. Rick James voodoo zombie. Bathsalt freakout Twilight romance.* 3 stars

*Pops Ghostly: A Casper family man vents on his family's hellcat home invasion frustration.* 2 1/2 stars

*Punkinman: The Bob Villa (this old house) / Bob Ross (happy clouds painter) of stickin' it in a pumpkin and getting the best out.* 2 1/2 stars

*Zombie Workout: Spunky Linnea Quigley criticizes the falling apart shape of the undead and has them working out their rotten flesh.* close to 3 stars

*3 Minute Ghosthouse: A Back to the Future Michael J. Fox wannabe look-a-like goes up against some zany frighteners.* 3 stars

======================================================================

Z Nation: Doctor of the Dead *Not much soap opera for a zombie series finale, mostly just zombie stuff. A shadowy scientist running around globally, pre zombie outbreak, conducting gruesome, and unknown for purposes, field experiments. Creepy CDC style medical lab, in Colorado, filled with zombie testing gone wrong. Tiny Asian chick is dying but comes back as a kung fu z with Alice from Resident Evil maneuvers (not a big fan of that). Cameo from the doomed lovers to show they'll be back next season (Oh, great... yawn). And a big finish cliffhanger with Murphy "shedding his skin" (could be creepy and great) and running off leaving everyone else, including Citizen Z at the North Pole, to stare dumbly at their impending demise which is nuclear missiles dropping in to say hi.* 3 stars

Scare Tactics -season 2 -episode 14 "My Guests Are Mannequins" ---------------

*Antonio, Tone Loc's cousin, volunteers to help park rangers clean the roadkill off of a bridge that a Chupacabra lives under.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

*A 'You Betcha' cocktail waitress serves cheeze and ritz crackers to a honky's stuffy mannequin party guests and is scared to refuse his offer to "Party Forever" with him.* 3 stars

*A crematorium trainee turns white as a ghost, and he was black to begin with, when he flips the flame switch and a woman's husband pops out still alive just crispy.* 3 stars

==============================================================

X Files: Conduit *Alien abductee or possible runaway of ill-refute and her baby brother who can read into the matrix.* 2 1/2 stars

Sam Raimi presents American Gothic: Pilot Episode *What if Sheriff Andy Taylor were a controlling psycho who'd go as far as framing his own deputy, Barney, for murder, and what if Opie had a William Faulkner and Ambrose Bierce childhood...?* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: "The Wraith" (Summer School Session - Driver's Education with the author of the NYC cab driver joke book) *It was inevitable that the spirit of the American Highway would be symbolized by a fiery car crash.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: Caught in the Act *A college virgin, Alyssa Milano, gives the worst case of blue balls, until an alien parasite turns her into a raging nympho succubus.* 2 stars slipping towards 1 1/2 stars

Paranormal State -season 1 -episode 11 *A nice, retired, Queens NY lady needed the Penn State crew and a noted medium, in demons, to tell her to stop trying to contact the dead through the use of evp.* 2 stars

Bob and Margaret: The Burglary *The couple get a little too greedy, themselves, after their old stuff gets stolen and they have to replace it with all new stuff.* 3 stars

The Prisoner: A, B, and C *Number 6 continues to be defiant, even in his dreams. Dreams that The Village is now determined to surveillance.* 3 stars

Mike Tyson Mysteries: Is Magic Real? *Mike is the only non skeptic concerning Mexican leprechauns.* 3 stars

Town of the Living Dead: Dong of the Dead *Two words... butt auditions.* 3 stars

Ken Russell's "Crimes of Passion" *It's sleazy Charles Bukowski meets Russ Meyer. Kathleen Turner is a Gloria Steinem behind a glory hole. Anthony Perkins is like a Jerry Falwell who jerks off to crime scene photos of the Black Dahlia. And John Laughlin is Tim 'The Tool Man' Taylor who can't get his jackhammer plugged into a hot electrical outlet.* 3 stars

Hill Street Blues: Can World War 3 Be An Attitude? *"You're okay. I'm okay. We're okay. Okay?"* 3 stars

Max Headroom: Security Systems *A way ahead of its time investigative look at security organizations (*cough* the N.S.A. *cough*) and how complete access to so much information, personal and otherwise, can only lead to that kind of knowledge being abusively used.* 3 stars

South Park: Cock Magic *Magic the Gathering greater than girls volleyball.* 3 stars

American Horror Story -Freakshow- "Bloodbath" *From the head to the legs. From the body to the mind.* 2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: "The Time Machine" 1960 *Joe Bob and Rusty the mail girl demonstrate worm hole theory using a dirty bedsheet and a bowling ball. Meanwhile, Rod Taylor zips from turn of the 20th century England to thousands of years in the future where angelic, naive youth live in a garden of eden paradise as cattle for cavern dwelling commie cannibals.* 3 stars

Farscape: Til the Blood Runs Clear *Being the 'big dog' with a pair of Beavis & Butthead moron bloodhound bounty hunters, and getting ripped off at a spacecraft repair shop ran by a Roseanne type.* 3 stars

Thundarr, the Barbarian: Wizard Wars *The cybernetic oversized head of a warlock Fred Flinstone uses hypnotized sandpeople as slaves to lay siege on another magician's desert stronghold.* 3 stars

Tosh.0 -Who Shot Black Santa? -2014 *The greatest Christmas present is hot cocoa served with love.* 2 1/2 stars

SyFy presents "End of the World" 2014 *Generic doomsday movie junkies, who work at a videostore, must break a scientist (Brad Dourif) out of the nuthouse so that he can help them save the world from being destroyed by a heliosphere.* 1 1/2 stars for aesthetics and special fx 2 stars for plot and characters and 2 1/2 stars for oddly humorous moments like hicks with guns getting in the way of nerds that are mankind's only hope, and randomly timed deaths

Tru Tv presents: World's Smartest Inventions 11 *Using robots for end of life care. No shame in hanging from a tree, on a hiking trail, and pooping, or standing on a sidewalk and pissing out the bottom of pant legs using a tube. Or having a doctor recommend to "ice the balls" in order to conceive, so a guy runs out and invents chilled underwear.* 2 1/2 stars

Everything is Terrible --Christmas Bonus-- 2012 --------------------------

*Snowdogs vs. Chillydogs: They're basically the same movie, give or take a few minor differences.* 2 1/2 stars

*Hanukkah Homeboy: "Don't noodge me."* 2 1/2 stars

*Celebrity Guide to X-Mas: Ed Begley Jr. can't relax his environmental beliefs in order to not ruin Christmas.* 2 1/2 stars

*Dr. Christmas: Artificial tree tips for a superficial Christmas.* 2 1/2 stars

*Gerbert Christmas Wish: A muppet's melancholy holiday.* 2 1/2 stars

*Holiday Showtime: Branson, Missouri is holiday purgatory.* 3 stars

*Jingle Cats: Make a joyful noise unto the Lord.* 3 stars

*Lawrence Welk Holiday Song: From now on our troubles will be miles awayayayaya.* 2 stars

*Natural Professional Tree: Step back and check for a natural appearance.* 2 stars

*Visit with Santa: Santa Q & A with dumb kids.* 3 stars

*Brent the Christmas Bear: Marvin Gaye gaiety.* 3 stars

*Glitter n Gold: A plea for puppet peace and relationship harmony.* 3 stars

*Kathy Lee Hip Hop: Horrid.* 1 star

*2 Minute Parental Guidance: Deck the halls and shake dat ass.* 3 stars

*Reggae Deck the Halls: Farmyard follalollalah.* 2 1/2 stars

*Santa with Muscles: Scrooge Ed Begley Jr. wants to close down the orphanage and exploit the kids as elf miners, but not if amnesiac, department store Santa Hulk Hogan has anything to say about it.* 2 1/2 stars

*X-Mas Nightmare 2012: Santa can't be asked to do the impossible, like alleviating the cynicism that comes with adulthood.* 2 1/2 stars

*Fuck Christmas: A humble shoemaker has had it up to here with the holidays, in this heartwarming tale.* 3 stars

*Chipper's X-Mas Adventure: A chipmunk goes crazy when his treehome is chopped down by joyous honkys.* 3 stars

*E.T. Porno: Smell E.T.'s finger.* 2 1/2 stars

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Freddy's Nightmares: The Bride Wore Red *A groom's cold feet get raked over hot coals. Also, rappin' Freddy.* 2 stars *For the bride with daddy issues, divorce is a fate worse than death.* 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: The Thing from the Grave *A lesson about not getting in between a no-nonsense, jealous boyfriend with a short-fuse (Miguel Ferrer) and his prized piece of cooze (Teri Garr). That is unless one has a charm necklace that can bring a vengeful corpse back from its shallow grave.* 3 stars

"Mirror Mirror" -1991- *A shy ugly duckling begins to flower when she embraces her dark reflection.* 3 stars

American Horror Story -Asylum- "I Am Anne Frank" *Auschwitz. Axe murder. Aversion therapy. Amputee monstrosity. Acceptance of guilt. Absentee motherhood. Alcoholic relapse. Alien abduction. Alma's alive!* 3 stars

Lars Von Trier's "Melancholia" *3 stars for gorgeously moody photography and score. 2 1/2 stars for symbolism (melancholia is here to stay). 2 stars for rogue planet collision apocalypse scenario. 1 1/2 stars for insufferable characters (mopey rich women). 1 star for pretentiousness 1/2 a star for snail pacing (2 hours felt like 5 hours). zero stars for jerky handheld camerwork

Gargoyles: Enter MacBeth *Another MacBeth who likes to do things on his own turf, and yet again all because of a lady.* 3 stars

Game of Thrones: -season 3 -episode 5 *"The birds have scales and the fish take wing."* 3 stars

Paranormal State: -season 1 -episode 12 *A psychic can't get her stories straight when it comes to a former schoolhouse's spirits. Credit to the Penn State crew for seeing through her b.s.* 2 stars

The Outer Limits: The Voyage Home *On the first manned mission to mars, a space bug is snagged, and one giant step for mankind turns into a suicidal leap.* 2 1/2 stars

Scare Tactics: The Chef Cooks a Human --------------

*Safe installation turns out to be a safe cracking burglary.* 2 1/2 stars

*Rear Window scenario where peeping at a neighbor who is an escort loses its thrill when she stabs an abusive client and informs her big heavy pimp that there are witnesses to the crime.* 2 1/2 stars

*Finding a ring in the hamburger meat and a bloody, armless dude in the freezer.* 3 stars

*Parents meet their teenage son's new girlfriend and find out she's already pregnant, but only it's from an alien, not the teenage son.* 2 1/2 stars

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Russell Mulcahy's "The Shadow" -1994- *Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? Alec Baldwin knows.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Swamp Thing: From Beyond the Grave *"See the ship, hear it speak from deep down in the hold." Lyrics from a song sang by Jim's dead grandma. Words directing Jim, and his mom, to granny's last will and testament, hidden, in the swamp, so that Arcane can't take possession of her property and pollute and further exploit it.* 2 1/2 stars

Stephen King's Kingdom Hospital: -season 1 -episode 4 *Dream perchance debenture.* 2 1/2 stars

"Slipstream" *A loveable scoundrel (Bill Paxton) steals away a messiah-like android, from a hardline bountyhunter (Mark Hammil), on a journey across a windswept wasteland in a post-cataclysm story filled with hot air balloons, small airplanes, and eccentric nomads.* 2 1/2 stars

Christmas with Rifftrax: Santa's Village of Madness / K. Gordan Murray shorts *Never has the mythology of Saint Nick been more mucked with.* 2 1/2 stars with riffing 1 star without

Jonny Quest: Werewolf of the Timberland *Gold smuggling lumberjacks in the French Canadian forest.* 3 stars

Bob and Margaret: Shopping *"Cheese of the week." The convenient inconvenience of supermarkets.* 3 stars

I'm Alan Partridge: Alan Wide Shut *"Hot floppy bread." Needless to say, Alan had the last laugh. Now, fuck off!.* 3 stars

True Life: I Want Respect For My Sect *A Juggalo bride's parents opt out of their daughter's Juggalo themed wedding. Pretentious vampires, in the pretentious Texas city of Austin, have a coming out party in order to gain new members and understanding. A cute 18 year old "furry" seems genuinely happy to have her parents acceptance at being able to attend her first convention.* 2 stars

Ghost Adventures: Dungeons & Demons *"Something just grabbed my ass!" The three bros travel to some of the world's most tainted holes.* 2 stars

Adventure Time: Holly Jolly Secrets *Deciphering the Ice King's weirdo home movies becomes a holiday tradition.* 2 stars

Farscape: Rhapsody in Blue *Madness is the mind's co-pilot.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

X Files: The Jersey Devil *Naked Neanderthals on the outskirts of Atlantic City.* 3 stars

12:01 Beyond: Kneel Before the Future ----------------------

*D.O.A. - Behind the Smile: Things are looking bright for election 2016.* 3 stars

*Commander Lobo trips and falls heading out to the wasteland.* 2 stars

*Ninja Force, the Mission: Bacon jitsu vs. cheese.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

*Silverball Heroes versus Video Invaders in Arcade Attack* 3 stars

*Lobo in the wasteland sponsored by...* 2 1/2 stars

*A vintage trailer for Terminal City Ricochet.* 3 stars

*-984- Prisoner of the Future: Detained to desolation.* 3 stars

*Lobo thirsts and pines in the wasteland.* 3 stars

*Intimate Secrets - Secrets that have to be told - 1 900 - adults only - $2.00 per minute* 3 stars

*iBraineater - Modern Man (music video)* 3 stars

*JacMac & RadBoy GO!: Wow, did Mike Judge rip this off?* 3 stars

*Commander Lobo finds ThunderDome covered in feces.* 3 stars

*Robotistory: A video history of robots in pop culture entertainment.* 2 1/2 stars

*Lobo wants to go back home to his bunker.* 2 stars

*Max Fleischer's Superman - The Mechanical Monsters* 3 stars

*Vintage 1990 Live Psychic Readings commercial that's in the style of the X-Files intro. Eerie nostalgia.* 3 stars

*Republic Pictures serial The Crimson Ghost - Chapter 2 - Thunderbolt: Death ray escape debacle.* 2 1/2 stars

*Tex Avery's Jerky Turkey: Skipped. already viewed and reviewed

*Lobo has a biohazard demise.* 2 stars

-------------------------------------------------------------

Tales from the Crypt: The Sacrifice *"Money, pussy, and bullshit." Also a few cussing parrots and a sleazy & kinky Michael Ironside.* 3 stars

"Howling 4, the Original Nightmare" *A novelist, with a vivid imagination, would rather chase the ghost of a nun, hangout with a lesbian ex-nun and search for clues to a legend of a werewolf church burning, and listen to howls on the wind in the night than have sex with her feathered-hair-do, five o'clock shadow bearded bohunk cheating husband.* 2 stars

American Horror Story -Freakshow- "Tupperware Party Massacre" *Avon culling. Chubby Chaser. Liquored lobster. Lingering Ethel. Privileged killer. Suicide letter. Shamelessly long pecker. Playing doctor. Tearjerker. Siamese threeway offer rejection. Jimmy sober and smitten. Framejob bloody mitten.* 2 1/2 to 3 stars

Friday the 13th, the series: The Great Montarro *Sarcophagus artifice.* 3 stars

"Dragonslayer" 1981 *Not the sorcerer that we want right now, but the sorcerer that we need. The lottery where the winner gets spit-roasted by Smaug has to be the absolute worst. There may have never been more themes of gender inequality, social-political injustice, and the transition between Paganism and Christianity ever before in a Sword & Sorcery flick.* 3 stars

Paranormal State: -season 1 -episode 13 *Cursed and mice infested piano for free on Craigslist.* 2 to 1 1/2 stars

Bob and Margaret: Trick or Treat *"the misery of eternal non-existence"* 2 1/2 stars

"Loose Shoes" -1980- ---------------------------------------------------

*The Howard Huge Story: "His hobby was watching planes fuck."* 3 stars

*Skateboarders From Hell: "Lock up your sons and daughters."* 3 stars

*The Invasion of the Penis Snatchers: "Coming at you in 3-D!"* 3 stars

*Three Chairs For Lefty: Bill Murray on death row.* 3 stars

*The Sneaker: Woody Allen parody.* 2 1/2 stars

*The Magic and Mystery of the Gobi* 3 stars

*Buddy Hackett on behalf of this nation's bed-wetters* 3 stars

*Don't forget organic chocolate covered beanettes.* 2 1/2 stars

*Ditch your kids at the matinee.* 2 1/2 stars

*The Shaggy Studio Chief plus the Calf Who Thought She Was A Chicken* 2 stars

*The Bad News Bares in Getting Laid* 3 stars

*A Visit With Ma and Pa: Ma and Pa take a talking pig to New York City* 3 stars

*The Birth of a Nation, parody* 2 1/2 stars

*The Kid and the Yid. Charlie the bum was a hebrew commie jew* 3 stars

*The Ballerina Is Dead in "Scuffed Shoes"* 2 1/2 stars

*Just a Run in the Sun: Cynical and funny war tragedy story.* 3 stars

*Fistful of Something: Sid Haig in a Spaghetti Western spoof.* 3 stars

*Welcome to Bacon County: Hicksploitation hilarity.* 3 stars

*That's Sexploitation! Under 18 must sneak in.* 3 stars

*The Return of the Pom Pom Boys: Sex comedy with a twist. This time it's the guys who are getting exploited.* 3 stars

*Billy Jerk Goes To Oz: Sticking up for the little man.* 3 stars

*Darktown After Dark: The first all black musical.* 3 stars

*Star (of David) Wars* 2 1/2 stars

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Scare Tactics: season 2 -episode 20 "Weirdo in the Haunted House" ----------

*Taking high school chemistry doesn't make one a chemist, especially evident when green goop, accidentally poured down the sink, by said non-chemist, comes gushing through the ceiling, doors, cracks, vents, and walls.* 3 stars

*Almost torched alive, in a van, by a psycho hitchhiker.* 3 stars

*Stripper audition interrupted by a jealous, meathead boyfriend who likes to throw guys out of windows.* 2 1/2 stars

*A closed down haunted house attraction, and former crime scene, has an uninvited guest who doesn't want to be disturbed.* 2 stars

--------------------------------------------------------------------

"Phantasm 4, Oblivion" *On the other side of morning.* 3 stars

Max Headroom: War *Network 23's poodle and pony show has the advertising bulls and bears instead hitching up to the war hysteria for profit media wagon.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: The New Breed *Nanobots don't know when to stop. They turn a terminally ill man into a Frankenstein's monster of evolution.* 3 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Do Dreams Bleed? *The lingering trauma of having witnessed a brutal slaying.* 2 1/2 stars *Intimate personal closeness with a possible deranged killer can play foul with the mind.* 2 stars

"The Blair Witch Project" *"We're still alive because we got cigarettes, and we're smoking." Edie Brickell and the New Bohemians have a Deliverance weekend where they get choked in the shallow waters before they get too deep. The grunge era Autumn setting, lost in the woods paranoia, and low fi minimalist creative use of limited fx (stick figures and bundles of sticks with bloody body parts along with the noises and the spooky house) make up for the film students arguing in the middle of nowhere with a shaking camera nonsense that takes place for more than half of the film.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

X Files: Shadows *Mulder: *whispering* psycho-kinetic-manipulation / Scully: *amused* You mean like Carrie at the prom? --- Turns out it was a Ghost versus some terrorists and a jerk boss. Also, a missed opportunity to have Patrick Swayze as a guest star on the X Files.* 2 1/2 stars

"Alice Sweet Alice" -1977- *Impolite middle class Catholic society, cruel aunts, spoiled siblings, flamboyantly slobbish perverts, snap to judgement child psychologists, and pinch faced old church women with religious hangups are all worse than slightly odd and so called out of control tweens. Also, it's a shame that Brooke Shields' name is at the top of the movie's poster. She's barely in it, and the other little girl along with the rest of the cast are the soul of the movie.* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Girls Town *Scat and slang.* between 2 & 2 1/2 stars with riffing, between 1 1/2 & 2 stars without

Joe Bob's Hollywood Saturday Night: To The Limit *"Anna Nicole Smith gives retired, Texas strippers a bad name." Joe Bob Briggs* between 1 and 1 1/2 stars for this heavy edited softcore stinker

Weird Science: She's Alive *"a scathing indictment of a braindead, sexist MTV generation" 3 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark: The Tale of the Phantom Cab *The Midnight Society start out by having a pair of lost Hansel & Hansel brothers putting a hole in a barrel out in the Canadian forest with a reject teacher from Hogwarts.* 3 stars

American Gothic: A Tree Grows In Trinity *Let Heaven and nature sting.* 3 stars

The Tom Green Show on Canadian television circa 1996(?) *"Who's the champ -NOW- champ?" Tom strangely bothers teachers on strike, concert goers, drugists, mall shoppers, poor fishermen, and former bowling league champions. He also plays footsie with a dating service lady.* 2 stars

Kung Fu, the series: Pilot Episode *Sometimes one must cut off a finger in order to save a hand, and sometimes one must hang himself in order to get off. Inner strength incapacitates ignorance.* 3 stars

"Country Hooker" *In the tune of a CB radio listenin' truck drivin' country western croon, "Doin' what they damn well please..." That is until their demented Tennessee Ernie Ford -esque pimpdaddy finds out. There are some freaks in this flick, and I don't mean the tricks, it's the johns and the honky tonk patrons.* 2 1/2 stars

"Christmas Evil" aka "You Better Watch Out" *If it's not a Jolly Dream, it's not worth having.* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Village of the Giants *These days, kids are getting too big for their britches. Of course, I'm talking about a Mousketeer, Opie, the kid from The Rifleman, and Beau Bridges.* 3 stars with riffing or 2 stars without

Tales from the Crypt: For Cryin' Out Loud *A real high pitched squealer with a weasel, rock promoter whose clients like Iggy Pop and Donny Osmond get on his nerves, a seductress blackmailer Katey Sagal trying to reach in his pants to snatch half of a million smackers, and an angry voice of reason Sam Kinison screaming his tell tell heart out constantly.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

New World Pictures "Candy Stripe Nurses" 1974 *A socially conscious skin-flick with sophisticated modern women who are smarter than the bohunks they seduce, Gran Torino type bitter old men griping about the decline of their local neighborhoods, commentary on a flawed justice system for minorities, student athlete doping controversy, medical malpractice issuing of needless prescriptions scandal, sexually repressed and spoiled rockstar, seventees era streaking, existential conversations while flirting, and just enough hospital setting hanky panky.* 3 stars

American Horror Story --Coven-- "Bitchcraft" *The part where Darren walked in on Tabitha going down on Elvira while Melissa Joan Hart cut herself with a razor blade for attention and the cast of Designing Women boiled that poor black guy (Meshach Taylor) alive in a caldron... hocus whoa...cus* 2 1/2 stars

Doctor Who (fourth doctor) "Pyramid of Mars" *Imprisoned ancient gods are always showing up in the isolated British countryside and killing 3 or 4 old men in their plot to destroy the world. Thanks to the Doctor, nobody else in the world ever notices.* 2 1/2 stars

TMNT: Mazes & Mutants *A lonely live action roleplayer gasses the turtles so that he can play a game with them in the sewers.* 2 1/2 stars

He-Man & She-Ra, A Christmas Special *Horde Prime wishes to stop Orko and two adorable Earth children from bringing the gospel of Chris Cringle to Eternia. Special guests the Smurf Transformers, the Eternian Decepticons, the Little Mermaid, and Skeletor's heart grew 3 sizes that day.* 2 1/2 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark: The Tale of the Pinball Wizard *Super-soaker, now that's playing with power. A compulsive free play gamer gets trapped in the mall, inside a pinball machine, with a princess in distress, and is Sixpence None the Richer for it.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Swamp Thing: The Shipment *Arcane corrupts the local law enforcement into mutant trafficking and the crooked Sheriff helps kidnap Jim, fake Jim's death, and ship Jim off to South America. We finally get to see Swamp Thing show some physical muscle in a brawl with a stunt man and it's revealed what had to be painfully obvious all along, that the town had to have a corrupt police force in order for Arcane to be doing so many vile things without it coming to legal light.* 3 stars

"Neon City" 1991 *A disgruntled, former lawman (Michael Ironside) begrudgingly runs protection for a RV stagecoach of ragtag wayfarers across the cursed earth.* 2 1/2 stars

The Outer Limits: The Message *Binary E.T. S.O.S. for a deaf woman with a defective ear implant and new mother depression along with voices in her head making the domestic partner daddy think she's schizoid because she runs off with a looney janitor / UFO believer.* 3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: Warlock the Armageddon *Runes and Druids. Smalltown fear and hatred of devil worship. Two young should destined to be lovers who are kept apart by ignorance and circumstance. Parents of the picturesque smalltown trying to protect a dark secret. Some horribly dated CGI (forgivable). Nice and twistedly gruesome gore fx to make up for the bad CGI. A charismatic villain (Julian Sands) who is just as good as Marvel's Loki (Tom Hiddleston).* 2 1/2 stars

Paranormal State: season 1 -episode 14 *In a house that was once a part of the underground railroad, there's a clash of values between a modern inter-racial family and a strict religious spirit of a lady who was an abolitionist.* 2 stars

"Home for the Holidays" 1972 *"There's nothing more chilling than a warm family gathering." An And Then There Were None style story at a stormy, secluded setting where the more stable sibling is the most sinister.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

--- Freddy's Nightmares: The End of the World

*Hazy earliest memories are repressed because they involve accidentally killing mommy and crippling a childhood friend, but a girl discovers she can dream things differently and it will fix the present. But unfortunately, there's a butterfly effect.* 2 1/2 stars

*The same girl, from before, is now having prophetic dreams of a nuclear warhead going off on U.S. soil. The C.I.A. is extra curious as to how she got launch codes, and once they figure out she's not fooling or getting tipped off from the inside, well they want to exploit her in their cold war pursuits, while she just wants to make sure that a disturbed sleepwalking missile defense employee doesn't make his Christmas nightmares of melting his son's favorite cartoon character Gumby's face off along with his own son's innocent face as well come true.* 3 stars

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"Class of 1984" *An irresponsible idiot subjects his pregnant wife to a brutal gang rape and torture all because he wants to be an inspirational music educator at one of those imaginary innercity hell highschools where he can't help but feud with the worst gang in a school that has its disciplinary hands tied with the usual red tape bullshit. This was way before zero tolerance. When teach has to turn vigilante just to earn 30k a year, a mild mannered biology professor (Roddy McDowall) has to hold a gun on his pupils just to get their focus on his lessons, and a timid tattle tell (Michael J. Fox) winds up shanked in the liver, just to name a few things, there might be good reason to move back to a smalltown or the suburbs and spare the rod.* 3 stars

Shaw Brothers: Fists of the White Lotus *White Lotus can't be touched because he fights hammer style. A lesson about a gentle approach and pinpointing the right pulse.* 3 stars

Scare Tactics: season 2 episode 22 "Mom's Crazy" -------------

*Little grey men nick around a ranch house near area 51.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

*Falling into a wanted by the government hacker's booby trap.* 2 1/2 stars

*Having a nice evening with a psycho park ranger.* 2 1/2 stars

*Mommie dearest keeps her abducted little girl in a cage.* 3 stars

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"Ultra Flesh" 1980 *Sugar (cocaine?) is making the world's men impotent and the President of the United States pays a visit to a third world dictator (Jamie Gillis) whose people seem to have no problem snorting and screwing. Secretly, however, the dictator is a Mr. Freeze type alien who uses his dwarf henchmen to plot against the earth women. An intergalactic group of horny aliens send down Ultra Flesh, a vixen from Venus, to shoot laser beams out of her poonanny and help earth propagate again.* 3 stars

The Prisoner: Free For All *Who are you voting for? Which puppet candidate will it be? "You wouldn't deny the rite of proper procedure?"* 3 stars

New World Pictures presents Larry Cohen's "God Told Me To" --1976-- *Urban upheaval caused by a lot of gristle in the melting pot. The doggedly determined forced by personal convictions that are of soul tearing origins. The easily swayed are proned to random acts of violence. The new age fortunate are full of fallacy with their fancy notions. And the pitiful and holy are just as much victims as they inadvertently victimize others in their own inability to face up to the burden of consequences that come with cruel circumstance.* 3 stars

X Files: Ghost in the Machine *Interfacing Promethean resistively. The machine is dead. Long live the machine.* 2 1/2 stars

"Silent Night, Bloody Night" --1972-- *A season of violence come to bare its withered, ugly fruit. The sepia soaked orgy of murder by the mental patients along with the undertones of incest, then father assuming the identity of his dead daughter, whom he fathered a child with, is all rather haunting/disturbing.* close to 3 stars

Paranormal State: season 1 -episode 15 *The spirit of a war veteran still haunts the barn where he committed suicide after a alzheimer's diagnosis. So, the team brings in an army honor guard to have a memorial service where a piece of his skull was buried, by his wife, on the property. Also, a little boy, from before the middle of the 20th century, who died of the croop, on the property, is sensed as just a mischevious spirit by medium Chip Coffey.* 2 1/2 stars

American Horror Story --Murder House-- "Open House" *Squint and bite down. There will be no sale. These spirits won't be built over, smothered out, skull fucked, love requited, or made to polish their own silver again.* 2 1/2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: Twilight Zone the movie *John Landis does okay thanks to the tragically killed Vic Morrow . Spielberg can only do schmaltzy Spielberg. Joe Dante puts some thrilling touches on a classic. Lithgow trumps Shatner in the freakout department, but none of these outings are as good as Rod Serling and the original.* 2 1/2 stars

Everything is Terrible --Holiday Special-- -2012- *"He sees you eat your pizza. He sees you eat your pizza."* 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Four-Sided Triangle *The sour couple from the Grant Wood American Gothic painting think they can hold captive a farmgirl to do all their chores. And Patricia Arquette is sure purty enough to make the crops grow. But the farmer's horny ignorance coupled with his wife's jealous mean streak are no match for the cow milking maiden's cleverness.* 3 stars

The Tom Green Show on Canadian television circa the late 1990s *Somewhere between Andy Kaufman and the geek who bites the heads off chickens at the county fair.* close to 2 1/2 stars

William Peter Blatty's "The Ninth Configuration" --1980-- *"Consider the lillies of the field."* 3 stars

Hill Street Blues: Double Jeopardy *"You figure that you're owed something for all the love and compassion that you carry in you..." A liberal cop comes face to face with the harsh reflection of reality in an oily mudpuddle on the other side of the rainbow. One of many storyline elements including Dan Hedaya as a dirty cop who turns out surprisingly to be easily deeply sympathetic for.* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Dead Talk Back *A model murdered by crossbow. Was it the amateur necromancer, the hip richboy, the confrontational preacher, the quiet abuser, the German pervert, or the nervous pornographer? If the dead girl can't tell us, we'll never know. Detective work depends on kooky science and no forensic nonsense.* 2 stars with riffing 1 star without

"The Conjuring" --2013-- *It's surprising to learn that famed demonologists The Warrens were actually selfless truthseekers and not the scam artists they were proven to be.* close to 3 stars

Jonny Quest: The Dreadful Doll *Witchdoctor Beavis working for a mercenary Fred Flintstone.* 2 1/2 stars

"Phase IV" --1974-- *The perceived terror of a terrrestrial advancement not our own.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: I Robot *What is the value of conceived worth? Adam Link, the first sentient robot, has an amount of quality, as relating to empathy, greater than most humans.* 3 stars

South Park: #Rehash *Commentary and clit rubbing, both by obnoxious social media celebrities, is the entertainment content of the future.* 3 stars

South Park: #Happy Holograms *The most ignorant Christas special ever is now trending.* 3 stars

Swamp Thing: Birth Marks *Kari Wuhrer joins the cast as a test tube teen, and Jim's older brother -Will- becomes the central character as ST's link to the human world.* 2 1/2 stars

"Rewind This" --2013-- *"Don't let your mom tell you that you can't make a monster movie." *quoting* a door to door monster movie salesman and the self proclaimed Ed Wood of the 21st century. That pretty much sums up the 30 plus year culture, that became a cult, of video.* 3 stars

"Forced Entry" --1974-- *One of the first movies to deal with post traumatic stress disorder also happens to be a gritty 1970s NYC serial killer study mixed with a sleazy 42nd street rough porno. This is when skin flicks tried to be film art and this one is bold enough to juxtapose a home invasion sicko's forced oral money shot with scenes of burning Vietnamese villages and crying villagers.* either zero stars or 2 1/2 stars

David Cronenberg's "Dead Ringers" *One never has to feel alone what with shared life experiences, sexual opponents, the psychic connection between siblings, or the prescribed lifeline of addiction.* 3 stars

Weird Science: Universal Remote *Skipping through the boring parts of life just to hurry up and get to second base with girls.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Tim & Eric -Awesome Show- Great Job! ---Chrimbus Special--- -2010- *"The Winter Man wants you to eat a pound of hair per year."* close to 2 1/2 stars

Bob & Margaret: The Holiday *Hijacked hip hip hooray.* 3 stars

Thundarr the Barbarian: Battle of the Barbarians *Big barbarians in little Beijing.* 3 stars

Game of Thrones: season 3 -episode 6 *There's more than one way to kindle a fire, skin a rabbit, marry into an inbred family, serve a deity, shoot arrows, inflict torture, or climb an icy face of a wall.* 3 stars

Twin Peaks: Beyond Life and Death *Wow, Bob, Wow!* 3 stars

The Tom Green Show -Rogers Community TV- The Comedy Network --1998(?)-- *Tom Green seemed funny when I was around sixteen, now, sixteen years later, he seems more like a shithead.* either zero stars or 2 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark: The Tale of the Nightly Neighbors *The people who just moved in next door are nocturnal freaks with fridges full of blood in their basement. A Nickelodeon version of Fright Night.* 2 stars

Friday the 13th, the series: Doctor Jack *The key to a disgraced surgeon's miracle surgeries is a scalpel that hungers for shadowy street murders.* 3 stars

Farscape: The Flax *Scavenging, self preservation, strategic chessgames, sweet romance, and sacrifice all at the flypaper snare strip in the pirate portion of the universe.* 3 stars

Max Headroom: The Blanks *The Blanks (anonymous), for highly justified political reasons of freeing unjustly imprisoned Blanks, hack into and threatened to shut down a technology dependent society ran by corrupt corporations and politicians.* 3 stars

X Files: Ice *Who goes there? Another tense, paranoid version of the classic sci fi story involving a parasitic alien in an arctic setting.* 3 stars

Stephen King's Kingdom Hospital: season 1 -episode 5 *Memorial shrine to regretful medical malpractice.* 3 stars

American Horror Story: Asylum --Origins of Monstrosity-- *Skin to skin. A mother's touch.* 3 stars --Dark Cousin-- *Summon the angel of death.* 3 stars --Unholy Night-- *Satan frees Santa from solitary.* 3 stars

Paranormal State: season 1 -episode 16 *A strange, and humorously titled, ghost communication device called "Frank's Box" is used to speak to spirits trapped by a demon inside an insane asylum with a dark history and many unmarked graves on its grounds.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

"The Dark Secret of Harvest Home" *"What men may never know and what women may never tell." Townies from NYC accidentally take a wrong turn across a picturesque covered bridge into a frozen in colonial times New England village where the townfolk have strange customs involving corn and keeping to the old ways. The more the inquisitive sketch artist husband digs into the secrets surrounding a strange death, the more the mother and daughter get caught up in the cult nature of the many festivals. It turns out to be a fertility cult where the new blood wife is mounted and humped in front of the cuckold hubbie by a bohunk who is then beheaded. As tradition, the husband's eyes are then scratched out by the white robed pagan women for having witnessed the sacred act. See, this is why I fully throw my hat behind the patriarchy and not mother earth religions.* 3 stars

"Hot Summer in the City" ---sexploitation--- --1976-- *While a soundtrack of songs like AM radio gold classic "Everlasting Love" played as militant black power jive bruthas took turns on a scared Alice in Wonderland captive piece of "white pussy" and the group's cockeyed idiot gets brow beaten and bitch slapped for getting his "finger stuck in her asshole," I realized why this movie is self hating, w.a.s.p. hating, obvious subversive, ugly mongoloid looking Quentin Tarantino's favorite dirty movie.* either zero stars or close to 2 1/2 stars

American Horror Story --Coven-- "Boy Parts" *Extra piece of fried chicken. Frankenstein boyfriend. Ghetto hair extensions. 180 year old racist. Poisoned buckwheat. Alligator dung. Snake eggs. Stevie Nicks. Deep fried revenge. Poaching game. Minotaur Mandingo. Woman on top.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

King of the Nerds: Imaginary Realms *Cosplay challenge. The only cosplay that ever interested me was the scene from Revenge of the Nerds where there's spacesuit deception in order to get nookie from a cheerleader inside a moonwalk attraction at the fair.* 2 stars

Kung Fu, the series: King of the Mountain *Confrontation is not courageous, but it is indeed cool when it is combat, on the side of a cliff, between David Carradine and a cowboy bounty hunter John Saxon.* 3 stars

American Gothic: Eye of the Beholder *Faust Gump* 3 stars

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