#16.5.19

[suitsdirection]

threesixzero:  @louist91 two of us official video. out now.

[notthe-latte-hottay]

I've had a bad day and I am DEPRIVED of Tedgens content so send headcanons plz

[joshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]

I don't really get Kumiko x Shuichi because like Kumiko seems almost disgusted by his affection for her, like it ain't an embarrassment thing where she's too tsundere anime girl nah she just straight up seems to hate the idea of Shuichi loving her and then she herself seems fucking absurdly gay for Reina but nah I saw some chucklefuck say that even before Chikai no Finale we had no reason to believe Kumiko loves Reina and wants to date her any more than she loves Shuichi and wants to date him like what

[devonjwerkheiser]

[inkagent]

I.N.K.

“This has INK all over it.”

A coded phrase? No. To the public eye, it’s a charitable regulations bureau that’s gone global, primed in patents, financial transitions, international currency exchange, security escorts, and imports.

Uniform colors hold a business formal appeal; with gradients of black, violet, and white; these colors represent a respect toward the Negotiator. Carl-Horus Cobbler was an inventor with fiscal ingenuity. Never knowing when to cut his loses, he rode the risk of embezzling and smuggling company products, including military-grade paraphernalia. Things seemed to be swimming, for almost a year. One an average Tuesday in late June of 1938, they wouldn’t find true safety for almost 15 years.

In December of 1953, free of his contractually obligated hell for his betrayal of a certain company, they used their talents and all their remaining resources to begin the Internal Network of Keepers.  INK has secretly been recruiting, training, and modeling their own company of ‘Civil Servants’. United, they extend alternate solutions, dancing between diplomacy and misdirection. Their social network extends across the globe and their reach is ever looking to expand by profitable margins and allies. 

Not to mention, if they get to stick it to their rivals, it's a perk. The organization's CEO, for his protection, is purely known as; the Negotiator.

[imkeepingtrack]

Recap: 16.5.19

Today felt like a very long day.

I didn't have a shower this morning. My hand was stressing me out and I didn't want to have to figure out the logistics of showering as well, so I didn't.

Saw P. We talked about stuff a bit. When we were talking about my anxiety around going to the office she said something about me putting the blame on other people, which straight up isn't true. A lot of it's about me thinking the staff don't want me there, but I'm very aware that's a me problem not a them problem. That put me on edge, and then she started asking about my favourite place, and wanted me to describe it. That was just too much. It felt like a lot of pressure, and I also try not to think about the place, because I never get to go there, and coming back is so hard because it's amazing. I panicked, and when P went to get Mc (so we could go out as was already planned) I left.

I was going to go to the shop I went to on Tuesday night and buy more blades, but Mc caught up with me and managed to persuade me we should go and get ice cream. We did, and it was fine.

Got back to college and hung around with Mo for about an hour before my annual review meeting. Apparently there are no lessons on tomorrow because of exams, so he suggested I go home with my mum after the meeting. No thanks.

My case worker from the local authority was there, which I wasn't expecting. In an email he said it wasn't his job to come, and his boss was coming, but whatever. He scares me.

The meeting was ok though. Ups and downs. I got very stressed when they were talking about me doing stuff at another college next year, because they started talking about funding and it having to go to panel and lots of stressful things. But we also talked about the holidays and how my need for support doesn't just disappear when I'm not at college, and E said stuff about getting direct payments for a PA to take me out to do things which would be good. Fill some time.

Came back to the house afterwards and was pretty wound up. I had been sitting still for quite a while and all the stress had built up. I paced around my room until I felt sick, memorised some more of the periodic table (I'm up to 80 now), and hit my hand wound into the wall a lot of times. Not my best plan.

I hung around on my stairs for a bit and then Mo came up. He asked what I wanted to do, and suggested going down to the office. B was there but she was busy, so I went back to my room and then went for a walk. I told B I was going, and she asked if I wanted someone to go with me because that's what I agreed with Mo, but I said no and she said ok.

I went to the shop and bought 2 pencil sharpener sets (as well as couple of food things). Mo phoned me when I was almost back, asking if I'd gone for a walk. I thought he knew, because just after I left he texted me asking if I didn't want to be in the office and why, but it seems he thought I was in my room and didn't ask B. He was outside when I got back and came upstairs with me. He asked if I'd been to the shop and I didn't say no. He told me we were going to go for a walk, so we did.

We went to the church I like. I didn't speak to him on the way there. We were there for ages. We spoke about a lot of stuff. A lot of the time it felt like he was having a go at me which wasn't a lot of fun. He was talking all about personal responsibility and idek. He kept asking what I'd bought and eventually I told him, but I didn't specify the quantity. He said I'd have to give it to him when I got back, and I spent a fair amount of time trying to persuade him otherwise. It didn't work. I think he also views self harm of a very different scale to me. He was saying that any form of cutting is severe (especially if it involved alcohol), but I don't see it as that bad. I have 1 cut on my hand, and a couple of wounds on my leg. None of them have been bad enough that they've needed stitches and they're aren't that many. It's not a major issue. Mo disagrees. I think we should just let it play out, because it won't escalate for ever, or probably even that long. It'll get worse for a bit and then I'll stop. That's how it worked earlier in the year. Mo was going on about whether they can keep me safe and whether I can keep myself safe and what happens if the answer to those questions is no (not that he actually said what happens) and it was all just annoying. He also said stuff about me testing them (which is not what this is about) and finding loopholes because I'm bored (probably partly true but not the main issue). Apparently I'm going to either have to have someone go with me on walks or they'll check my bag when I get back. Wahoo.

When we got back he came up to my stairs and asked for the sharpeners. So I gave him 1 set. He asked if I had more and I said no. The first time I've straight up lied to him.

We took the dressing thing off my hand because I'd bled into it quite a bit after hitting my hand into the wall. There's now a dressing that's probably going to stick to it which will be super fun to take off. I'm going to buy more steri strips and some not stick dressing things tomorrow.

We sorted food and ate, and Mo said to come and find him when I was done. I was too stressed so just went to my room, but he texted and we ended up watching TV downstairs for about an hour.

About half an hour after the programme we were watching finished and I had gone back in my room, my dad texted saying he was sorry to hear about my hand. I phoned my mum and it turns out Mo phoned her last night. I'm not happy. We had discussed talking to my mum, and agreed that if (when) she saw and commented on my hand today, Mo would explain what happened. Except it turns out he went and told her, without telling me. I'm so done with him. I hope he's in tomorrow so I can ask him why he did it, when we had already come up with a plan, and especially why he didn't tell me. I was suspicious when my mum didn't ask about it today, but I thought she was just not asking in front of a load of other people and would ask tomorrow when she picks me up. I'm so glad I didn't give Mo the second sharpener set. I'm not going to reply to my dad.

I'm angry with Mo. All I know is that if I cut again I'm not going to be telling him (or potentially anyone, given it'll get back to him) about it. He's on the dead to me list. F was on it for a while for exactly the same reason as Mo- she told my mum about self harm stuff in October. P probably won't be particularly happy. She just loves me and my "black and white thinking" as she calls it.

I didn't self harm tonight. I have blades again now, which makes me feel better because I know that if my anxiety spirals I have that option. That sounds bad but it reassures me. I'm not sure having the alcohol is helpful. But I can't give it to Mo now, it's too late. I've had it for too long. Also I'm not giving him anything.

I don't know if I'll do anything tomorrow. My mum's coming sometime after 3 and I'll need to pack stuff at some point, but it'll only take a few minutes.

I don't know how I'm feeling about the weekend. In some ways I'm ready to be away from here for a couple of days, but I also don't want to see B2 and generally don't enjoy being at home.

It's nearly half term, which I'm dreading.

It's 1:30 and I need to go to sleep. Hopefully I'll be able to sleep in a bit tomorrow. I haven't had enough sleep this week.

Food:

Ice cream - 10:45

Gingerbread - 1:45

Chicken and cheese wrap, bakewell tart - 8:15

Japanese rice crackers, chilli rice crackers, chocolate - 11:00

Chilli rice crackers, egg custard tarts - 12:30

[tomodachibirb]

White-throated kingfisher (Halcyon Smyrnensis), from a bird ringing. Jerusalem Bird Observatory (JBO), 16.5.19

[rabbitmilk]

16.5.19

[stu-dna]

16.5.19 // 38 / 100 days of productivity

ah yes, organic chem, the bane of my existence

(click for better quality <3)

[techniktagebuch]

Am 16.5.19, am 15.6.19 und am 19.7.19

Eine Website wiederfinden

Vor ein paar Monaten las ich in der U-Bahn auf dem Smartphone einen interessanten Artikel. Dann habe ich mehrfach versucht, den Artikel wiederzufinden.

Ich erinnere mich, dass im Artikel ungefähr folgendes stand:

Es ist schwerer geworden, Webentwicklung zu lernen, denn:

Es gibt nicht mehr viele Plattformen, bei denen man HTML/CSS braucht und es so lernen würde

Vieles, was früher einfach mit einem Texteditor und Browser gemacht wurde, wird heute über weitere Programme („Toolchain“) gemacht

Personengruppen, deren Angehörige sich selber nicht als IT-affin sehen haben es schwer, mit der Webentwicklung zu beginnen, weil viele IT-typische Fähigkeiten nötig sind (Kommandozeile, Git, JSON …) und es außerhalb IT-typischer Beschäftigungen kaum noch Berührungspunkte gibt.

Der Titel war sowas wie „The [vanishing? dying?] paths [into? towards?] our industry“

Als ich den Artikel von Mitte Mai später einer Kollegin senden will, finde ich ihn nicht auf dem Smartphone wieder.

Okay, den Artikel zu finden wird ja nicht schwer sein. Schließlich habe ich noch gut in Erinnerung, worum es ging und wie der Titel ist. Ich werde das kurz in google eingeben, fertig.

Ich suche am 16.5 nach “dying of our industry html javascript entry women”.

Auf Seite 1 der Ergebnisse finde ich den Artikel nicht, auf Seite 2 und 3 auch nicht.

Ich suche nach „dying paths industry toolchain javascript html css women minorities” und „dying paths industry javascript html css women minorities”, erst mit google und dann mit duckduckgo und dann auch noch bei hackernews, denn vielleicht habe ich den Artikel da ursprünglich gesehen. Doch da finde ich den Artikel auch nicht.

In meiner Browser-History kann ich sehen, dass ich es einen Monat später, Mitte Juni, am 15.6. nochmal versuche.

Erst mit

„replacing css with javascript women coding"

„css in javascript women coding"

„css in javascript women coding feminism"

und dann mit „women html css 90s community”, denn schließlich gab es früher (in den 90ern, so vermute ich an diesem Abend wohl) diese Plattformen, wo man versehentlich in das HTML- und CSS-Programmieren reingerutscht sei.

Ein letzter Versuch mit “women html css 90s community learning web development toolchain frontend prestige”. Dann gebe ich wieder auf.

…

[Es vergehen mehrere Wochen]

…

Vor ein paar Tagen (19.7.2019) finde ich beim Lesen zu Designsystemen Brad Frosts Artikel “Frontend Design, React, and a Bridge over the Great Divide”. Ich bin sehr erfreut, dass der Autor ähnliche Probleme bei der Webentwicklung wie ich hat und sogar Lösungen dafür. Und er bezieht sich auf einen “absolutely fantastic article” mit dem Titel „The Great Divide". Den lese ich auch noch.

Beide Artikel sind thematisch sehr ähnlich zu dem Artikel, den ich gesucht habe. “The Great Divide” ist der ältere von beiden und vielleicht verlinkt mein gesuchter Artikel ja dort hin … Also “path industry css html women great divide” und tatsächlich ist es der zweite Treffer: „HTML, CSS and our vanishing industry entry points“.

Sehr erfreut schicke ich mir den Artikel selber per Telegram, speichere die URL in den TODOs meines Kalenders, erstelle ein Lesezeichen und sende den Link an die Abteilungsmailingliste, schließlich sind Suchmaschinen sind zwar praktisch, aber doch sehr beschränkt.

(Jan Dittrich)

[dailytextprompt]

16.5.19

She was always a quiet person.

[joshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]

It's weird how like Madoka's my favourite anime and I've seen it like 15 times but my second favourite is K-On which I've seen... 3 times... Third favourite is Hibike Euphonium and then fourth favourite is Mob Psycho, both of which I've only seen once each...

[devonjwerkheiser]

[godsnameisjoy]

Don’t count your blessings

Date : 16 May 2019

Duration : 33 minutes at bedtime

Depth :

At 33 minutes, I had absolutely no clue whether the bell at 25 minutes had rung or not. So deep in the subconscious, a recently collected sound memory seems to have no place. Short term memory does not get a chance to visit the deep subconscious. And vice versa. There is no way that I can experience some of the bizarre imagery of the subconscious while I am working through the day.

In fact, it requires effort on my part right now to recall any images that sought my attention while I was meditating in the subconscious terrain last night. I’ll be happy to bore the reader with details of my nightly dreams though. That I remember. An ex prime minister of India was stuck in a dream traffic jam last night ! I believe that the reason for not being able to recall the subconscious imagery after meditation has to do with attention.

Attention, when kept on the meditation technique, misses out on many other things. Thank God for that. There is so much happening in our minds that’s inconsequential to our spiritual evolution. That’s why meditation exists. Meditation is the tool. Mind is the operator. Attention is where you can clearly see your will power growing when you put the first two together.

To turn the spotlight of attention on the inner path, requires meditating muscle power. And it isn’t so much about how long one can meditate. One can meditate for long durations without growing. It’s when growth takes place, that’s when all the duration related puzzles 🧩 begin.

Depth of concentration is a blessing. One is granted growth by divine grace, me thinks. It comes unexpectedly. It comes when one is least expecting it. And when it does, it feels unbelievable. ‘Yes, Gurudev wrote about this that I am experiencing. Wow ! How can it be ?!’ Spiritual growth comes only when God and Guru feel that you are ready for the next step. Readiness for the next level does not guarantee stamina for that level.

Meditation levels may very well be the reason for human birth ! Human birth is the school to get promoted to deeper mind levels. I can extrapolate that last sentence. I can provide guesses to what might be in store for me as I grow some more. Those will be guesses. A wiser me knows that it’s a foolish thing to do.

Meditative growth brings experiences that are unexpected. These experiences are so different from what I read and imagine. When it really happens, there is a tendency to describe it in terms of ‘blessings’.

[dartmoorsfinest]

Susanna Reminds Comedian Josh Widdicombe of His Bad Stand Up Reviews | Good Morning Britain (16.5.19)

Comedian Josh Widdicombe will be hitting the road in his first stand up tour in three years this October. He joins GMB as he chats about the upcoming 17th series of The Last Leg along with Adam Hills and Alex Brooker and his new show 'Hypothetical' along with James Acaster. Susanna also reminds him of his bad review from his 2009 Edinburgh Fringe show which he managed to block from his memory.

[imkeepingtrack]

I went to the shop again

It was so stressful but also I just need the feeling of safety I get from knowing that I have a blade if my anxiety spirals and that's what I feel like doing.

So, long story (in the recap later) short, I have blades again.

And the urge to drink and cut tonight is huge. Not all of me thinks it's a good idea, but quite a lot does.

I like having the blades but I can't work out whether having both them and alcohol in my room makes me feel safer or more on edge. I'm going to try to leave them both until after the weekend, but I'm not 100% sure I will.