#2 full on days and 2 hours on a half day
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got a week before term starts again so will probably be winding down into a hiatus in preparation for that.
#this year im doing less classes but more days#2 full on days and 2 hours on a half day#so more time on campus#but im missing less lessons. only one per week#and tbh the full on days are half graphics lessons and half engineering so its not like i cant do some strategic lazing#only 9 months!!!!#then im out of the education system!#ive had a rlly fun summer holiday tho#best of my life!!!!#feeling much more confident in my art and my ability to do commissions & make money w/out a traditional job#and ive cleaned up my online spaces a lot#its been a really good holiday and all the lovely ppl in my puter are absolutely part of that!#love yall<33333333
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im punching and punching and punching my anxiety today
#[static]#man i need a new job but im gonna try my best to stick it out for the next year and a half so that im 'vested' -#- or whatever its called for my little tiny 401k money lmao#im starting to get anxiety about work on my days off more than usual#they just changed it from 5 years to 6 years fjgkdlghd#and im nearly at 5 years#also i think im gonna try and stick it out with the full time up until October and i'm going back to 4 days a week for my sanity#and also theyve been cracking down on ppl missing work and the winter time i have to call out a couple times a month for snow#they used to be understanding about it but it sounds like they arent anymore :)#in one breath they'll be like 'yeah it's no worries we work at a grocery store who cares! we're stacking cans this isn't life or death'#but the moment you gotta leave early due to snow so you can actually make it home in one piece they get butthurt lmao#mind you I have put my car in a ditch BECAUSE of work doing this to me and i ended up missing a week + covering repairs because of it#like ... would you rather i go home 2 hours early or miss 4-6 days of work and be in debt :)#and the answer is the 2nd one for them lmao i fucking hate them
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have you watched star trek tng
No :')
And it's not because i don't want to or I think I won't like it or anything, it's just so long. 7 seasons (178 episodes, ≈130 hours). The longest series I've watched was star trek tos (79 episodes, ≈66 hours).
I'm just not made for long series. I tend to want to watch everything as quickly as possible because I'll lose interest if I can't interact with the fandom. And interacting with the fandom = spoilers.
#that's literally a me problem I'm aware but what can I do#I really struggled with Merlin too (65 episodes)#the only reason I managed my tos full rewatch was because I've seen half of the episodes before and I didn't have to pay that much attentio#to the ones I've seen#Hopefully one day in the future I'll have enough free time to actually watch tng#did you know I usually spend more that 2 hours drawing everyday if I can help it? usually at night. after midnight. it's more quiet#ask#anonymous#star trek#star trek tng#star trek the next generation#not art#text#also unfortunately I can't just sit through more than one episodes without having a break#so yeah#time flies#I've actually only ever watched tos and tas (and the tos +aos movies minus the last tos movie...)#also let's keep in mind these episodes are long too. almost an hour long. that's all
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almost cried in the car back from work again lol
#today was difficult. first of all i was so sleepy you could literally see my brain buffering for the first two and a half hours#then 10 min before going home the team leader comes asking if on tuesday (i'm off the whole day) i can come in the afternoon#man i felt crushed like i just made plans with my friends yesterday to go hike since i was home!!#so i was like uhmmm i kinda already have a commitment that day....#so she kinda backtracked saying she has to see maybe she can do it herself#but likeeeee i feel guilty bc i only have 1 hour overtime scheduled next week and idw to put more hours on my coworkers but likeee come on#i already work two full days next week why am i the one who needs to do another afternoon too. why do they give us schedules 2 weeks before#if they're always changing it last minute. man im tired too !#and i always say yes so this time im really gonna say no . i can do another day i can work more hours the other days but i wanna be home on#tuesday#but i still feel guilty about it though#it's hard being a pushover
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#i KNOW my mental health is down the drain because i woke up panicking at 4:30am for seemingly no good reason#and that was half an hour ago and i still can't go back to sleep#and i've been feeling exhausted and on the edge about switching from this dual deal of education and job training#to a full time 8 to 5 deal#for the past 2 months#kept saying that i need a break soon or i'm gonna burn out but also kept pushing myself through daily sensory overload because#i kept telling myself that there are only a couple few weeks left of this and i can do it#and now there's exactly one week left of it all until i finally get a month off and i need to do my best to keep myself from tossing it all#out the window#because i'm worried about not being able to keep up with a full time job i now signed a three year contract for#considering this half time deal already took everything out of me#it's super frustrating because for a while there i really thought i'm on top of my shit but now i'm showing symptoms of an impending#mental breakdown and i have a month to get all of this under control somehow or i'm gonna blow my chance at a job i've been working my ass#off for the past six months to a) get it in the first place and b) earn important certificates for it#and a month is just not enough to get an appointment with a counselor who i can talk to about this#and once i'm working i'll hardly have any time left for appointments considering the insane amount of time i'll be spending commuting#to work every day because i didn't yet receive the bonus payment towards a car i was promised for my efforts here#genuinely wish i had someone i could rely on during times like these but i am basically providing for my entire environment and i just#gotta keep going somehow idk#rant#gonna try to get another half an hour of sleep in now i guess
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why can’t this week just end alreadyyyyyyy
#rant about the week incomin’ in the tags bc ‘complaining’ is my unofficial middle name#this week has *not* been my week so far and it’s only wednesday morning#my horrible week commenced on sunday night when i was unable to sleep bc my pillow was oriented wrong#thus i had a grand total of 1 hour of sleep which was not very poggers tbh. so i tried to sleep on the train but…#the guy next to me??? kept swaying to lean on my shoulder??? so i hunched over to avoid physical contact but he just landed on my back??#so that sucked balls. i kept having to wake up to push him away with my bag and then trying to go back to sleep.#but then!!! just as i fell asleep after one such instance!!! the guy’s phone alarm went off????? like?? why???? why would you set an alarm??#we’re on a friggin train mannnnn!!!!! why did you have to set an alarm?????????????#and ofc when the dude finally alighted (and i was asleep) he just *had* to jab me in the side with his elbow when he got up. ಠ_ಠ#so that’s how i knew the rest of the week was gonna be just ✨peachy✨#anyways manning 2 workstations (+ 1 bonus ‘mini’ workstation) on 1h of sleep isn’t very fun. esp if you’re incompetent af like me#and ofc there just had to be problems too. like the printers couldn’t print (and the systems crashed everytime i tried to print something)#and this sample running software kept closing itself in the middle of running samples so that was a pain to deal with#and tuesday (yesterday) wasn’t much better. in fact it was ✨worse✨. none of the 2 workstations could get started till like 10am and aaaaaa—#to make matters worse i had stubbed my toe so badly in the morning that my skin tore. so walking was ✨much pain✨ as well :(#and ofc yesterday had to be the one day where i had to walk back and forth an unnecessarily high number of times >:( sadded#and ofc they *had* to have an hour-long meeting about something or other towards the end of the workday when i had yet to eat my lunch >:(#(fell asleep during the meeting though bc it was boring as balls whoops)#and i could only take a half-hour break after that >:((( i wanted my full hour dammitttttttt#and ofc it was raining when i left and ofc it took like 25 mins for me to hail a taxi on this booking app bc i didn’t want to take the train#and ofccccc i misheard the taxi driver when he arrived and he roasted my chinese speaking skills. and ofcccc we were caught in a traffic jam#(i had a really nice hour long nap in the cab though so thanks traffic jam)#and thus ended my terrible 2 past weekdays. i’m drained af and it’s *only* wednesday morning????!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i’m mentally looping anzu no uta (imascg) to cope. ‘nu-uh i don’t wanna work’ so true anzu#i just wanna sleeeeeeep and wake up this weekend or sth idk it’s too early in the year for this#it is suiyoubi my dudes#may spam self-rb my monster-length character image/gif posts later to cope. you have been warned
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also sorry abt the infrequent + low-quality Poasting, i am once again in demo hell at work so im just like. completely braindead in the evenings. especially since over the past two weeks i think i've rewritten like half the robot driver + firmware. which is supposed to be the hardware team's responsibility but the hardware team does not currently have any programmers and i DID write the first drafts of both of those before handing them over to Andrew The DM (now living at a nice grad school upstate), who handed them over to another guy, who also quit and handed them back to me (with only a little wear and tear).
but like... do i really want to be working on higher-level robot behavior stuff during a(nother) demo crunch? no the fuck i don't!!
#the trashcan speaks#jorb#not all of this was in support of demo requirements#some of it was just refactoring Because I Was Theah#and space... is theah.#we go to the moon and do these other refactorings not because they are easy#but BECAUSE THEY ARE HAHD#ESPECIALLY when we have to do horrible things with c++ templates.#the python version of What If We Could Define A Struct And Automatically Compute The Packet Format#took me half an hour and maybe 20 lines of code. the C++ version took 2-3 full work days and tears of blood. and functors.#but it will definitely save time later!!!
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ik i just get on here and complain about the same things all the time but god it is so fucking frustrating how difficult it is to get specific days off at my job i really feel that my time doesnt belong to me sometimes
#like i understand that my job absolutely needs to have a certain amount of staffing like its a liability thing whatever. but god sometimes i#remember working in food service and texting the manager two weeks out that i need a certain day off. and just getting it#now its like. i put in my time off wait list request a month before. dont get it bc the waitlist for this particular weekend was a mile lon#6 months ago. get scheduled 8 hour shifts all three days. beg people for coverage and slowly whittle my shifts down by trading in 2 hour#increments since everyone's schedules are fucking insane including mine and none of us can actually trade a full shift. I cant trade half o#these people because theyre not trained to the same level as me. i beg the managers to cut a couple hours in exchange for covering ops#literally in hurricanes. work a one hour shift after class since thats what i could get someone to trade. I still have 5 and a half hours#left to get covered#okay the good news is. erik is coming this weekend:) and i have a free weekend (except for 5 and a half hours)to spend lots of time with hi#i mean thats fiiiiiine like he can find something to do if i have to work. he can read his little law books for a bit#and i expect a hot meal waiting for me on the table when I get off!#i bet he would do that if i asked haha should i get him a little frilly apron and make him be my housewife on that day
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Current mood: gosh I sure would enjoy my life more AND make a good bit more money if I was able to just do art full time- Like if I spent 8-10 hours a day on art for commissions and such I would probably make twice what I'm making at my current job- but also I don't have much visibility as an artist which is fine, and I don't have the time to churn out shit for free in order to grow my visibility and market myself (because yeah sure I know drawing fanart would get a lot more eyes on my shit but I just do not want to so I am not going to) but also IF I had the ability to use all the time I'm currently at work on art stuff I probably Would gain a big enough following to at least get a decent amount of commissions- I mean I'm skilled enough as an artist that it's definitely not unthinkable- but ALSO I cannot afford to quit my job or take the time off of work to Have enough energy to churn out art pieces consistently enough to build a following and get customers.
In conclusion: my life is a Sisyphean nightmare of no money and no time but have to go to job that steals all my time to get enough money to barely stay afloat because the only other option is completely sinking and that is not something I will accept.
#ramblings of an arrow#anyways I've got a couple art things I'm working on now that I'll probably post soon-ish#depending on how much time I have in the coming weekends#my boss is just being kinda absolutely ridiculous and even tho my job tasks do not require me to be onsite 100% of the time#my boss has said I am not allowed to go home and do the rest of my shit there for the last few hours of the day#which is stupid#or like I can't log on before I drive to work and see what I can get done from home before going onsite#WHICH IS RIDICULOUS#why does it matter HOW the work gets done as long as it GETS DONE???#I fucking swear when I move or when y'all fire me b/c you think I'm slacking you're gonna have to hire like at least 2 ppl to replace me#and then you're gonna regret everything#because I am fucking GOOD AT MY JOB#anyways just sitting here with the knowledge that I definitely can do art fast enough when I have sufficient energy#that if I spent the time I am at work working on art instead#and I was able to make money off of that art#I would earn at least double what I'm making at this boring af job that I REALLY DON'T NEED TO BE ONSITE FOR HALF THE TIME#I could definitely live off my art if I had like... the customer base.... to be full on commissions constantly#augh#anyways I am trying not to think about it too hard but also it's hard not to#simply i love drawing and i am gonna vibrate through the floor at work and set the building on fire b/c I could be at home#drawing#instead of sitting here b/c there is *such* a large amount of this job that involves waiting for applications to just load up#and I could have my work laptop in front of me while I work on art at home during the 10 minutes it takes the inventory system to boot up#i could get so much art done simultaneously while I do actual work at my job if they let me#but noooo#anyways it's whatever I'll live#but haha if anyone wants to follow/promote my art blog/reblog my art feel free lol jk jk unless...#I don't have the time/energy to market myself but like I'm definitely not half bad as an artist#ugh i have so many things I want to drawwwwwww#if I only had the time
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I want to write so bad but I have three more days of work left ☠️
#elletalks#I'm three hours short of being full time this week#add onto that the 2 day migraine and getting harassed by the new hire yesterday#it's been a hell week and it's only half over#delete later
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Another playthrough of ffiv down just in time for the new ffxiv patch tomorrow \o/
#I've played through this game so many times at this point xD#I can normally beat the game in one 8-10 hour sitting if I'm not going for full bestiary hidden summons and adamant armour#My playtime for this one was just under 15 hours over 2 and a half days#I used the boosts to get my levels up for the everyone at level 70 trophy and pretty much always had the 4x money boost on#So I could just buy a crap load of elixers and sirens to make farming the pink tail easier xD
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ugh after the last few days today is going so well….literally chilling smiling having fun :)
#pers#they’re letting me start learning to prep stuff so i got to guillotine lemons#and i got my full lunch break….and annie was being nice to me…AND the bakery gave me a little treat…#also after 2 12 hours day being able to leave in an hour and a half is like 😵😵😵 it feels so short!!
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my work schedule changed so that they have me off three days per week instead of two, AND my therapist is able to shift our sessions based on my new day off, and this is so good :')
#personal#like in theory if i go from 37.5 hours for 5 days a week to 30 hours i should only do 4 days#but no they had me doing 5 shorter days for the past 2 years#they finally decided they prefer me to open and close which means having me for 4 full days#my therapy used to be on one of the half days but now we can move it to my new day off
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As a kid I wanted to like be like the doctor like play them on tv but then I was likely they’ll never hire me I’m American and then I was like ok best I can get is companion but I need to like figure out how to break into acting I’m only gonna get older I’m running out of time. I need to get enough credits to ever be able to audition. Anyways long story short sometimes I’ll see the doctor or the companions and my brain just awaken that demon and is like ok we’ll time to drop out of law school change my life completely in need to hurry up and speed run if I’m not gonna run out of time.
#idk if I’m explaining it right bc I’m half wake but truly funny that’s ingrained in me just like I know how old I was at every grade bc in#elementary full I mapped it out bc I wanted to know how long I was trapped what year I would get out and how old I would be and that’s just#entranced in me no math no thinking#can’t think in any other way about it#but yeah something something autism something something my chronic depression anxiety#making me feel like very choose I made choosing to look at only the roads that are now closed and what could have been even if thetr easnt t#much of a chance for the other road or like why I decided what#anyways when I had idea for this post I meant to bring it up bc#I did acting right#but it was just small school stuff and trying out for like local theate companies and stuff#and like i didn’t go to far into it bc I had real really bad paranoia#like it’s better now#like it doesn’t mess with my life like it did or whatver BUT like I hated being on camera and people seeing me hearing me prociecing me.#like during the acting whatver but afterwards. like I’m better now I’m a private person don’t like to over share face on whatever online but#that’s also just internet safety right#anyways so I think it’s funny like yeqh person who hates to be prveeved and doesn’t want anyone to know there name or face go run quick and#become a television actor aim for a very ijnthe spotlight roll nothing bad can come from this ajdjdjd#feel like I lost the plot/whatver joke I originally had but I’m tired and have been doing property for like most of my waking hours the#past 2 days so if it’s not a hour like future interests in real estate my Brian’s scrambled
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they should invent a method of studying in between "reading one sentence and then stopping to doodle for 10 minutes (and repeat or give up)" and "Watching video's at two times speed with a little bit of stress reading sprinkled in"
#Like i still have Some time but for the past day and a half I've been on method one#and I have now decided to make an early switch to method 2#So maybe after that I'll be able to study Normally#That'd be fun. To be fair i did manage it a couple of days ago for a different subject but then I realised that one has less priority#And now here we are#sayingthing#I can still do part of a practice exam today I think#Just kinda sucks because I meant to do a full 3 hour one yesterday and I haven't yet#Gotta work from where I am though
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long stupid rant below feel free to scroll on 🤣
I think my mum is getting annoyed at me making a few comments about her being messy and lazy lmao but every time I try to civilly bring up how it‘s not fair that I’m constantly cleaning up after (I get very unnecessarily angry about it sometimes lol) but she tells me off for moaning about her 😃 Like excuse me I am very quiet about how annoyed I get and I hate that it makes me mad at her for something so petty but it’s been going on for ages now 😭 I think ever since I’ve worked from home (I literally still work at home every day) it drives me insane to have it be too messy (and DIRTY) but mum is only at home 2/5 days do I don’t think it bothers her as much lol
#last time I tried to talk about it she was like ‘I tidy when I’m in the mood’ 😃😃😃😃#I mean that comment would be fair if she wasn’t sO MESSY AND LAZY AND DIRTY#she once left a half full cup of tea on the side for 3 days 💀#and is also physically unable to put something away after she’s finished using it too#usually I tidy up as I’m cooking but mum is a leave it all to the end type of person (as in leave it at least 24 hours type person)#so I always do it bc I’m not making lunch in all that mess the next day#sometimes after I cook I literally tell her it’s her turn to tidy lol#the other day she was like ‘we’re really lazy with the dishwasher’ ummm no YOU are I use the dishwasher and wash up still every day 😭😭😭😭😭#she never used to be like this 😭😭😭#and I think she takes me doing it for granted now#i literally do 95% of the laundry too like why#we’re 2 adults who work the same hours it should be 50/50#I need to MOVE OUT
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