#2022: a reading retrospective | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

drill-teeth-art · 9 days

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A late night, slight retrospective on the tiny amount of Tumblr fame I've gathered that also might be slightly annoying for my audience to read so feel free to skip it if you want.

I started sharing Transformers fanart on here back in 2022, around October. I had been posting art on here for a while before actually but people really started following me and asking about my work and actually reblogging my stuff when I started posting Transformers fanart in 2022. I was in a really low place then, and I really welcomed the attention. My art was and still is something I take a lot of pride in. It's my own. There's quite a few years of my life where the fact I could still draw was the only thing stopping me from attempting suicide. It's something that has always meant a lot to me, so the attention on one of the only things I really liked about myself was nice. It was nice for a while.

But I've gotta say the slight Tumblr fame (and I do mean slight, I've only got around 3k followers which is a lot of people and more than I ever thought I'd have following me and more than a lot of folks will ever have but not like A Ton Of Fame) has wreaked havoc on my mental health. Which is already pretty rough as is. Suddenly I wasn't just some guy making Transformers fanart while desperately saving up to get out of my parents' house. Suddenly I was some people's FAVORITE Transformers artist. Suddenly I was a role model to people and I had people in my DMs clambering for my attention and I had an audience that would cheer or boo or go awkwardly silent at my every post depending on how much they liked it. And it was Not Good For Me. I had and still do have people all over my inbox, excited about how I drew fat and disabled and trans characters asking me over and over to draw some specific representation that I don't want to draw right away. I had and still have people begging me to draw their favorite Transformers character who I happen to not really care about and not want to draw at all. And I am painfully aware how often people take personal offense to my polite "no I'm not drawing that unless it's a commission" and my not answering their ask because I'm not in the mood. I've had people send in asks asking for a specific drawing and then follow up asks when I don't answer in a timely manner. And it's really uncomfortable! And it's almost more uncomfortable that it feels like a lot of people don't even notice that they're making me uncomfortable.

And I like learning how to draw bodies I've never drawn before. I like looking at a character who I think is meh and being like "well actually how can I make them interesting to me...". But it really felt and still feels like my art was getting away from me, like I was drawing more what people were asking me to make instead of what I wanted to because people would take it so badly when I'd say no. I was getting commissions though and I was saving up money to move out so I ignored that bad feeling of getting distanced from my own craft because I was trying so hard to save money and I was actually making some. And I still wanted the attention. Plenty of people were still kind to me despite everything.

Things got weirder for me after I released my Good Bi Gender comic. Which I do still recommend people read I think it's some of my best work. But that comic became a huge hit. And it made things really complicated for a while. I got anon hate. I was told to kill myself by strangers online more than once while I was already deeply suicidal. Something I thought I stated very clearly in the comic itself, that I didn't want strangers calling me "she" though I did and do let my close trusted people call me "she", was immediately ignored by my regular audience and people reading the comic. I got a lot of "you go girl!" kind of messages in response to my comic, and I didn't say anything at the time but it made me deeply uncomfortable. The comic was partly about how the she/her part of my identity is off limits to strangers. How I don't let just anyone she/her me because I work so hard to have the he/him aspect identity acknowledged at all. And it was like what Tumblr decided for me was to go against my wishes. Was to be like "we'll accept your identity for you!" when that's not what I wanted. I did NOT want to be she/her'd by thousands of strangers at the time. And though I'm grateful to have heard the understanding stories of other folks with nonbinary gender identities in the notes, it was deeply humiliating and invalidating to watch as others decided for me to accept the Girl part of my identity. The opening lines of the comic are explicitly a plea to the reader to listen and understand why they're not allowed to use she/her for me even though I'm opening up about the complexities of my identity.

And like. I don't care anymore if people online she/her me. At least I don't care right now that's why she/her is in my bio right now maybe I'll change that. But at the time it was awful. It was something I asked people not to do. And between that and the constant clambering for my attention from people I didn't want to talk to (because I was severely depressed and wasn't looking to make a ton of new friends) and the alienation from my own work I felt like shit. I felt like garbage. I still do. I hate my art sometimes. I really hate it. And for a while, I considered breaking my own fingers just so people would stop acting so entitled to my art and I would have a reason not to post. And honestly the only thing that stopped me was just trying to get by financially. Just watching my follower count and regular notes steadily trend upward so I could do more commissions so I could move out.

And doing things for the numbers, even for a relatively short time, only made things worse. It sounds a little silly even to me, but I get so stressed out when my posts flop, especially if it's art I was really proud of. I'm struggling to detangle my sense of worth in my art from the online numbers game. And I'm proud of the progress I'm making, but it does really suck and it's really hard. And I really wish I was still the same person back in early 2022 who could say "I don't care about the numbers!" and actually mean it because god I WISH I didn't care about the numbers now. Especially now. I dunno if it's me posting more art people don't wanna see or people leaving Tumblr or a shift in the culture of Tumblr but fewer and fewer people interact with my posts despite my follower count ticking up slowly but surely and it kind of bums me the fuck out. But. I am very proud of myself for still drawing the ocs that I want to draw even if they get less notes every time. And even if I'm slightly frustrated they get less notes every time.

I don't really have a neat bow to tie on my personal story right now. I'm still healing and sometimes I backslide and it's hard and it sucks. I don't want to sound ungrateful or to sound like I'm trying to shoo people off my blog because I'm not. I'm really grateful for the attention and interest and I'm not trying to turn people off my art blog. But it's been a rough few years on here. And don't be surprised if you see me take more and more breaks from this website. I do sincerely hope y'all will stick around and watch me continue to post whatever art and say kind things because I do appreciate that a lot. I'm trying really hard to mend my relationship with my own art. To not be so hard on myself. And for the record I don't want any asks telling me to take breaks when necessary or reminding me to draw for me. I appreciate the sentiment, but I already know all that and I personally don't find it helpful to be reminded of things I already know. But anyway. I hope that I will draw more and more of whatever I want to, even if that means I fade back into obscurity.

If you stuck around to read me reflect on the stresses and occasional humiliation of my small amount of online notoriety, then thank you. I appreciate that. And really I do like people looking at my art on here and sharing it and sending asks about my work. And the person I expect to be responsible for my mental health and how much social media is impacting it is Me first and foremost. But sometimes I think that it's important to remember there's a person behind your favorite art blog. And sometimes when you get swept up in parasocial attachment and hype, you kind of treat that person really fucking weirdly. And no that doesn't make you a bad person or a monster. But it does mean you have to learn to deal with it when someone who you might even idolize is like "back off me you're making me uncomfortable".

Anyway. I shouldn't be up as late as I am. A headache has been keeping me up all night. I'm gonna try to rest though. Goodnight.

#otto thoughts

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ifbench · 9 days

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Pokemon Soulsilver Retrospective, from the perspective of someone who had it as their first Pokemon game but never finished it (until now)

To preface this, this is not my first time playing Pokemon Soulsilver. I played some of it back in 2012 or so, but didn't get very far. And my memories of that playthrough are almost nonexistant, so this is essentially still a first playthrough.

If you'd like to read my other mainline Pokemon retrospectives, you can read Emerald here, X here, Firered here, and Black here.

Pokemon Soulsilver has a strange sort of anti-nostalgia to it to me.

It was technically my very first Pokemon game, yet I have more memories of the 25 minutes I played of Explorers of Time back in 2012, than I do of the several hours I played of Soulsilver in that year.

I don't even remember how far I truly got. It might have only been up to the first gym, it might have been up to Pryce, I don't know.

What I do know, though, is that like with Black, people keep bringing up Soulsilver and Heartgold to be the "golden age" of Pokemon. That it was when the series was good. (Though I personally disagree. I love Violet, and I also love what I've played of Shield so far.)

Nonetheless, the idea of trying Soulsilver again kept popping up in my head after I got into PMD. I briefly entertained the idea of playing it again in 2021, then again in 2022, but I never went through with it until I started this marathon.

But in September of 2023, I decided to do it. I deleted my old save file, and started anew. While I had chosen a Cyndaquil during my first playthrough, this time, I chose a Chikorita as my starter. I named him Acacia, after my PMD Rescue Team DX partner.

However, soon after entering Cherrygrove City, I very quickly got sidetracked with Emerald and put Soulsilver on hold. I didn't get back to it until July of 2024, after I had finished Emerald, X, Firered, and Black.

And after I figured out how to implement the infinite rare candy cheat, since I remember a lot of people talking about how grindy the Johto games are.

But after all that, my second playthrough of Soulsilver had truly begun.

I went to go meet Professor Oak, and as I was on my way to return to New Bark Town, I had my first encounter with this game's rival, Silver.

I very nearly lost that first battle, but through sheer luck, Acacia managed to win.

After meeting with Professor Elm again and hearing about the theft, I caught a Sentret, and named him Niko, after the Sentret on my friend's blog @fated-furret.

I continued on the way to Violet City, collecting a few apricorns along the way. It was cool seeing them again after Legends Arceus, even if they did originate here. I also briefly peeked into Dark Cave.

Violet City was neat to see! I enjoyed how the Pokemon Center and Pokemart had different colors than normal.

I decided to head to the Sprout Tower first, with Niko at the front of my party.

Side note, I love how your Pokemon follow you around in this game, and you can interact with them! Reminds me of the "Let's go together" feature from Violet.

The Sprout Tower was...not very fun. It was a bunch of extremely samey trainer battles, all the way up to the top floor. Though seeing the central pillar shake and wobble was pretty neat.

I also caught a Ratatta here, who would be my HM buddy. I named her Jifa, after my HM buddy from my Firered playthrough.

But with Niko leveled up quite a bit, I decided to take on Falkner. He was pretty tough, but Acacia felled his Pidgey, and Niko felled his Pidgeotto (after 5 Roosts).

Then I decided to take a short detour to explore the Ruins of Alph. It was cool to look around for what possible secrets the ruins held, and the sliding puzzle was fun, though I didn't spend much time there.

As I was traveling down Route 32, I caught a Mareep that I named Marla, and subsequently found someone trying to sell me a Slowpoke tail for an obscene amount of money. I knew from fandom osmosis that there was something related to Slowpoke tails coming up soon.

But before that, I had to traverse Union Cave. It was a bit tricky due to all the firebreather trainers around, but I made it out the other side, into Azalea Town, where Team Rocket awaited me.

After talking to Kurt, I went into the Slowpoke well, and had my first encounter with one of the Team Rocket executives, Proton. Thanks to Marla, he wasn't very difficult to defeat.

Apparently, in the original Johto games, GSC, the Rocket executives are all nameless? I guess that makes sense with how different they were in the GSC arc of the Adventures manga, but I'm glad they were given names and personalities in the remakes.

But after defeating Proton, it was time to face my second Johto gym leader, Bugsy. He was quite tricky, especially with how powerful that Scyther of his was. But he had a Metapod with only Tackle, allowing me to have Niko spam Defense Curls to maximize his defense. After that, taking care of the Scyther was easy, and I won.

My next task was to look for Farfetch'd in the Ilex Forest. I enjoyed the little puzzle here on how to sneak up on them, it was pretty neat!

Then, with Cut taught to Jifa, I pressed onwards, and helped out one of the Kimono Girls along the way.

Soon, I made it to Goldenrod City, the hometown of my character Gen.

It was one thing to research Goldenrod City, but another thing entirely to experience it myself. It was massive and sprawling, and took me quite a while to explore it fully.

I feel like now's a good time to talk about nostalgia.

See, I remember nothing of Goldenrod City from my 2012 playthrough. I'm not sure I even ever got there. Yet you might be wondering, why choose it to be Gen's hometown? Why not Saffron City, or Castelia City, or another city from the mainline Pokemon games?

It has less to do with Goldenrod City itself, and more with Johto as a region. My memories of Soulsilver from 2012, foggy and faint as they may be, did influence me to have Gen be from a Johto town. From there, I just chose what looked like the biggest city, and made that his hometown.

Johto does hold some nostalgia for me, and so I cannot truly say that this retrospective is untainted by nostalgia. I do, however, believe that nostalgia to be faint enough to be negligible. I hope that is satisfactory.

Back to Goldenrod City, I completed the quiz to get a radio card, and went to the gym to challenge Whitney.

The rumors weren't lying, that Miltank was tough. I had to have Acacia use stall strats in order to pull off a win.

Next up, I headed towards Ecruteak City, and was starting to understand the jokes about Youngster Joey, after receiving my 11th call about his "top percentage Ratatta".

Speaking of the Pokegear, it's really neat! It has so many little functions, such as the radio and calling people you've met along your journey. Though I do wish the map was a key item instead of being inside the Pokegear. I always assigned the town map to the quickselect button.

But soon, I made it to Ecruteak City, after catching a Pidgey and naming him Bagoli. After fending off a Rocket grunt inside the Dance Theater, I went inside the Burned Tower, to find Morty, Eusine, and Silver.

Eusine is definitely an odd character. All I knew of him before this playthrough was from Pokespe, and that he was a prominent character in Crystal. I think he's neat, though.

After a battle with Silver, I went downstairs, causing Entei, Raikou, and Suicune to flee. Though I'm not sure why they only fled then, and not during the commotion upstairs.

For the gym battle against Morty, I actually only used my Furret, Niko. I had kept Foresight on him, and this allowed him to sweep through the ghosts with Headbutt, while being immune to all the ghost moves.

Afterwards, I headed east, and got the Strength HM. But not wanting to go through a cave at the moment, I headed west towards Olivine...and immediately encountered Entei.

I had no idea what to do here. Entei was far beyond the levels of any of my Pokemon, and I had no idea what triggered the encounter.

So, since Niko was still in the front of my party, I used his Run Away ability to flee the battle.

It wasn't until I told my friends about this that I learned about Roaming Pokemon.

Apparently, Entei and Raikou randomly teleport around the map, and if you end up on a route with one of them, you have a chance of encountering them. You only have a single turn to do anything against them, but damage stays between battles with them.

I don't understand the reason for all this in the slightest.

I was rather baffled by this, but I continued onwards, to Olivine City. I caught a Pidgey somewhere around

I like the Olivine lighthouse's music. It reminds me a bit of Pokemon Tower from Firered. Somber, but catchy.

Eventually, I made it to the top of the lighthouse, and was told to go to Cianwood to get medicine for Amphy.

Side note, I love how the lighthouse Ampharos has a nickname.

Surfing to Cianwood was simple, and so was getting the medicine. And there was also Suicune, in plain sight. I was expecting Suicune to be a Roaming Pokemon like Entei and Raikou, but here they were.

Of course, they fled shortly afterwards, but it was nice seeing Eusine again afterwards, and getting to battle him!

The gym battle with Chuck was actually easier than his gym trainers. After winning, and with the medicine and Fly HM in hand, I flew back to the Olivine lighthouse, to give the medicine to Amphy.

Jasmine was a rather difficult battle, as I had nothing super-effective against Steel. It took several tries, and me mixing up my strategy a bit, but I managed to win.

I flew back to Ecruteak City, surfed around Mount Mortar, encountered Suicune and Eusine again, and arrived in Mahogany Town.

The gym was blocked off, I couldn't go further west, and the strange souvenir shop didn't hold much interest for now. So my only path forward was north, towards the Lake of Rage.

And I got mugged by Team Rocket along the way.

But I managed to catch the red Gyarados, my first shiny I've encountered during my entire mainline Pokemon marathon. I named them Splind.

After arriving back on shore, I encountered Lance for the first time since my Firered playthrough. It was cool seeing him outside the Pokemon League.

And after making my way back to Mahogany Town, I got to see the oft-memed scene of Lance having his Dragonite Hyper Beam someone. Then, it was time for the Johto Rocket Hideout.

I'll be honest, it kinda felt like a disjointed mess.

They had something cool starting out, with the Persian security statues. But after the first one, you can immediately turn them off, and they don't appear on any other floors. I'd have liked to see some stuff about remaining out of their lines of sight. There was also the explosive floor, which I still have no idea what was up with.

Then there was the two passwords, for which I had to battle Rocket grunts willy-nilly until I found both of the ones with passwords. I feel like a hint as to which grunts had the passwords would make this better.

The battle with Petrel wasn't much to speak of, though it was funny seeing him speaking the password aloud backfiring on him, thanks to his Murkrow.

Then there was a battle with another Rocket executive, Ariana. I feel like she and Petrel deserved their own separate encounters, instead of being immediately one after another.

And even after defeating her, it still wasn't over. I still had to defeat the Electrodes powering the radio transmission.

The entire hideout was all over the place, and I felt like it's a bit indicative of one of my main problems with this game.

But before that, it was time to take on Pryce.

He wasn't too tricky, but he was no pushover either. It was also interesting to see how he differed from his Pokespe incarnation.

But I won, and immediately afterwards, Team Rocket sends their second radio transmission.

I feel like now is the best time for me to talk about the pacing with Team Rocket in this game.

In short, I really feel like it'd have benefited from another major encounter with them before Mahogany Town. Maybe around Olivine or Cianwood.

Because before Mahognay Town, there was only two noteworthy encounters with them. The Slowpoke Well, and the single grunt in the Ecruteak Dance Theater. That's it.

Petrel and Ariana should have had their own bases, instead of being shoved into one together. I also feel like it'd help make Team Rocket feel like more of a threat, rather than something that happens almost entirely just before and just after the gym battle with Pryce.

Sorry for the negativity there, but I needed to get that off my chest.

Anyways, I flew back to Goldenrod City, to take on Team Rocket one final time...at least until Ultra Moon and Let's Go Eevee.

It was neat seeing the Rocket disguise from the first visit to Goldenrod coming into play here...at least until Silver unmasked me immediately after I entered the Radio Tower.

Still, it was fun fighting all the Rocket executives again. Petrel, Proton, and Ariana. It was a Rocket marathon, and I was having far more fun here than in the Rocket Hideout. Helped that the door puzzle in the underground storage area was pretty fun!

But soon enough, I was at the observation deck of the Radio Tower, ready to face off against Archer.

Like with Petrel and Ariana, I wish we had gotten to see more of Archer. But his battle didn't disappoint. It was quite tricky! But I won, and defeated this iteration of Team Rocket for good.

Again, though, mainline Pokemon games don't end when the plot ends. I still had quite a ways to go before the credits.

Next up was the Ice Path. It felt like sorta an extension of the Mahogany Town gym, with more ice puzzles. This time with an added echo of the Seafoam Islands puzzle, of using Strength to push boulders down holes. It was a fun challenge!

Soon, though, I made it through, to Blackthorn City, ready to face the final Johto gym leader, Clair. She was a tough opponent, but I won the battle.

Not the badge, though, not yet. For the second time this game, a gym leader refused to hand me the badge after I won the battle. But unlike Whitney, Clair wasn't content to just give me it anyways after a few seconds.

No, I had to go into the Dragon's Den, and pass one more test in order to prove myself worthy of the Rising Badge.

I really like this part of Soulsilver! It's so interesting to see some of the gym badges have a bit more to them than usual.

I passed the test, and received my final Johto badge, only to receive a call from Professor Elm, telling me to meet him at his lab.

I decided to go the long way, instead of simply flying there. So I set foot onto Route 45, and immediately encountered the last of the Legendary Beasts, Raikou.

Sure enough, after a single Petal Dance from Acacia, it fled. But I had now seen Entei, Raikou, and Suicune all at least once, and so I was satisfied.

After receiving the master ball from Professor Elm, it was now time for me to face the toughest trainers yet, the Kimono Girls.

Silver wasn't kidding, they were very tricky opponents. They may only have had one Pokemon each, but as I couldn't heal between, it was essentially like fighting one trainer with five Eeveelutions.

But I pulled through, and won, receiving the Tidal Bell. And then, it was time for me to go to the Whirl Islands.

Which were completely dark.

Oh no.

I was not looking forward to stumbling blindly in the dark again like I did with Rock Tunnel in Firered, and Emerald's Victory Road. And due to my single rule for this marathon, I could not look at a guide for help.

Not helping was that the only members of my team who could learn Flash already had four moves that I wanted to keep on them.

Luckily, I was still able to ask friends for advice, and one of them gave me a very useful tip. To go in the top-right island entrance, and not take any stairs.

And so, I navigated through the Whirl Islands with that advice in mind, eventually coming to Lugia's hiding place beneath the waves.

The scenee to summon Lugia was really cool! I love how the bells stated getting added to the track as each one began to ring.

And then, it was time to face off against the box legendary, Lugia.

I wanted to catch Lugia. Not only that, I wanted to catch Lugia in anything but the master ball. I wanted to prove that I was worthy of being Lugia's trainer.

They weren't kidding, the catch rate for Johto's legendaries is very small. Even after having Marla paralyze Lugia and then knock it down to a tiny sliver of health, I went through all my ultra balls and great balls without a catch.

I tried again, having Marla knock Lugia down to an even tinier sliver of health, plus paralysis. Still, it took nearly my entire ultra ball stock again to catch Lugia.

But I did catch Lugia. It was time to say goodbye for Jifa, at least for now, as I had Lugia take the sixth spot on my team. I needed every advantage I could get for what was to come.

My first steps as part of that, would be my first steps in this game into Kanto.

You see, I had thought that the entirety of Kanto was post-game only. That you wouldn't even step foot there until after the credits roll. So imagine my surprise when the first person I meet after surfing east from New Bark Town tells me that I'm in Kanto now!

It was so cool seeing the map be updated to show this section of Kanto, and it made me determined to keep going.

The trainer battles on Route 27 and Route 26 were some of the toughest yet, but I kept going, unstoppable on my way to the Pokemon League.

But before I got there, I had one final challenge, Victory Road.

It wasn't nearly as tricky as the other Victory Roads I had faced so far. The puzzles were pretty simple, and here weren't any trainers there.

Well, except for one, who had driven off all the other trainers on Victory Road.

The final fight here with Silver reminded me of the battle with Wally from Emerald. A final battle with one of your rivals, inside Victory Road. Only this time, it was at the end of Victory Road, rather than the start.

It was fun to see Silver realizing what he had to do to become a truly strong trainer: be better friends with his Pokemon.

Silver is probably my favorite of the "jerk rivals" (though what I've heard of Bede makes him a very close contender). He's a very interesting character, and this final battle with him was great!

After saying goodbye to Silver for the final time, it was time to enter the Pokemon League.

Healing up my team, and purchasing some final supplies, I headed beyond the doorway at the top, to start my Elite Four challenge.

Will was quite tough! But Psychic's weakness to Bug would be my key here, with Marla's Signal Beam decimating many of his Pokemon. While I won this battle handily, it would only get more difficult from here.

Koga was no joke. I had no counter to Poison, and his hyper-evasive Pokemon badly poisoned several members of my team. But Niko's Foresight would once again prove useful, and be key in taking down Koga's Pokemon.

Next was another familiar face, Bruno. Bagoli and Lugia were key here, but a tricky switch-out from Bruno during a Fly from Bagoli had him get taken out by a Rock Slide from Bruno's Onix. Thankfully, Acacia was able to take care of the Onix, and Lugia took care of the rest.

Finally, there was Karen. True to her advice, I was going to try to win with my favorites. I tried to have Niko pull the Foresight trick against her Gengar, but it surprised me with a Focus Blast, taking Niko out. But with the help of Marla, Acacia, and Splind, Karen's team was defeated.

All that remained now was Champion Lance.

I healed up my team, but forgot to use an Ether on Marla, whose Discharge was running low on PP. This would soon come back to bite me.

Lance was my toughest opponent in this game by far. Sure, Marla easily took out his Gyarados with a Discharge, and Splind took out his most powerful Dragonite with an Ice Fang, but then the tides turned in Lance's favor. Splind got knocked out by a Thunder, and Marla ran out of PP for Discharge. I had to scramble to figure out a strategy, and it took all of my remaining Hyper Potions.

But eventually, I won. I became champion of Johto, and finally finished Soulsilver. I had done what my 2012 self couldn't, and beaten this game for the very first time.

I had completed Pokemon Soulsilver, and that fact means so much to me.

I will be doing the postgame for Soulsilver eventually. But that'll probably be its own retrospective.

I had a lot of fun with Soulsilver! Sure, its pacing could have been a lot better, but it was a really nice experience overall! Though I feel like it'd have been a lot trickier and more frustrating without the infinite rare candy cheat.

I am so happy to have finally completed this game, 12 years later.

#pokemon #pokemon retrospective #retrospective #soulsilver retrospective #johto retrospective #johto #pokemon soulsilver #pokemon soulsilver retrospective

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pridepages · 2 years

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Some favorite books read for PridePages in 2022

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

Learn more about them under the cut.

Boyfriend Material by Alexis Hall A chaotic son of rockstars and a stuffy-yet-charming lawyer find themselves fake dating...and falling in love along the way. (Contemporary RomCom, Gay, MLM)

Loveless by Alice Oseman A girl embarks on her first year of university ready to find grand romance...and instead finds out that romance may not be for her. (Contemporary YA, Asexual/Aromantic)

The Queer Principles of Kit Webb by Cat Sebastian An ex-highwayman finds himself coming out of retirement to help a young aristocrat pull off a heist, forcing each of them to stand up for what they value. (Historical Fiction, Bisexual, MLM)

Gideon the Ninth by Tamsyn Muir Necromancing lesbians in space. (Science Fiction/Fantasy, Lesbian, WLW)

A Lady for a Duke by Alexis Hall A woman allows her aristocratic alter ego to disappear on the battlefield of Waterloo, but she finds she cannot leave all her past there and that great love may yet lie ahead. (Historical Romance, Transwoman, M/F)

The Darkness Outside Us by Eliot Schrefer Two men from warring nations wake alone on ship drifting through space. They believe they know their mission...but dark secrets are hidden aboard. (Science Fiction, Bisexual, MLM)

#retrospective 2022 #lgbtqia #lgbt reads #queer lit #a lady for a duke #the darkness outside us #gideon the ninth #the queer principles of kit webb #loveless #boyfriend material #alice oseman #eliot schrefer #tamsyn muir #alexis hall #cat sebastian

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therentyoupay · 3 months

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OH MY GOD are you cool with sharing how your husband proposed to you at Neuschwanstein Castle?!!!!!!!!

sure!!! he did such a good job, i love this story. 😂💕

i presented at a conference in 2022 in europe and dragged my then-boyfriend along lol. he'd never been to europe before! we paid for a one-day private tour around bavaria and neuschwanstein for the last day of our trip.

after going inside the castle (amazing), our tour guides (a duo!) took us to the scary bridge (maria bridge) to get a different view:

please know that my husband is terrified of heights lmao.

while we were on the bridge he was clearly nervous and i—i, who went skydiving two days after i turned eighteen, who loves rollercoasters, who likes adrenaline, generally—was likewise not fully able to take in all the splendor of the fairytale on such a rickety-feeling bridge with so many damn people (and with so many gaps below for phones to potentially slip through!!), so i turned to him and was like, "let's go back."

the man took one look at me, told me, "No," and then fled to the other side of the bridge.

your girl was wearing comfortable footwear, but she had not been planning to chase down her man on a low-key terrifying and crowded bridge over a yawning chasm to a mysterious mountain on the other side, so by the time i got to land, he was already 10 paces ahead. (in retrospect, this should have tipped me off immediately; he would never leave me behind!!! in the moment, i chalked it up to his overwhelming fear of heights and a random burst of self-preservation instincts, but i should have known better, because he would not have left me to die for something as measly as a fear of heights lmao... just proposing 😂)

he would wait for me to catch up on this mysteriously winding dirt (read: MUD) path we'd ended up on after the bridge, but then, as soon as i caught up, he took off up the mountain again. :P

"let's just go back! we don't know what's even over here!"

mind you, at this point, i am now walking this dirt path uphill, and there are like, four people over here, and he's not even holding my hand and watching over me as i make my way up the mountain (like he always does!!!), so now i'm doubly annoyed and wondering why he's desperate to get to the top of this mountain—especially since our tour guides are still waiting for us on the other side of the bridge and are probably wondering where the hell we are.

"not yet!"

by the time we reach the end of the dirt/mud path, i am (a) annoyed, (b) huffing and puffing from the mild sprint we just did up this muddy mountain, (c) pleasantly surprised to find a small, relatively private lookout point with a BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL view of the castle.

there is someone there with a canvas, painting in watercolors. a photographer is taking tons of gorgeous photos. there's like seven people in this little muddy clearing and lookout point, total. it's ridiculously beautiful, and all of my Disney childhood and fairytale dreams are totally satisfied lmao. this is the first place near the castle that has been calm.

we're there for a while, completely enjoying the lack of crowds and this totally majestic view.

at last, i am forced to reluctantly admit, "okay, you were right, this fiasco was definitely worth the random mountain hike." i am still a little annoyed, of course, but it's not so bad now. 😂 it's abating.

until he snarks, "this probably would have been a pretty good place to propose, no?"

still annoyed, and now more so, especially since i've been genuinely waiting for him to propose for like six months, i snark back, "well, then maybe next time bring a ring why don't you?"

he dropped to one knee. 😂

the photographer—who was, in fact, just a random passerby taking his own pictures of the majestic castle—sees my then-boyfriend pull a ring out of his pocket and starts ignoring the castle to take 100000 photos of us random strangers in front of the castle instead, as my then-boyfriend-turned-fiancé-now-husband asked me, "will you marry me?"

spoiler alert: i said yes 😂 the photographer later shared all of the photos with us via email and we sent him a nice big coffee shop digital gift card despite his protests. i was desperately clutching my left hand into a crazy-tight fist (with a new big fat diamond on it!!!!!!) as i went back over the too-scary bridge, while my husband held my right hand (finally 😂).

my favorite favorite photo is the close-up of my husband's knee, in which his jeans are completely and utterly covered in mud. 😂😂😂😂😂💕💕

#thank you for reading!!! 💕💕💕💕💕💕 😘😘😘😘😘😘 iluuuuuu #therentyoupay personal #therentyoupay ask #sanfangirl-cynicalromantic

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inchidentally · 3 months

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I love love love your landoscar (and carlando and dando) deep dives and analysis and in one of them you mentioned how Carlos acts very differently with Charles than he does with Lando and that charlos is its own different topic so I was wondering about your thoughts on their dynamic👀 Would love to read them but no pressure of course!

(these asks are literally from last year and I am soso soooo sorry for taking so long <3<3)

god anon I love all three too even if the multishipping thing is wayyy too uncommon for me to do it out here publicly on my blog anymore!

truly - and this is fully rpf projecting switched off - the Charles/Carlos and Carlos/Lando dynamics are so different and it was so sweet during the Melbourne 2024 celebrations watching Carlos switching between the two aslfhsalfh. bc Carlos literally helped raise Lando from the kid Lando's closest friends and even Zak described as a loner and intensely shy, to someone who could borrow quite a lot from Carlos' persona for himself and even learned a social hobby in golf to integrate him more with other drivers. it's not as 'sweet' per se but even the fact that Lando a while ago was like 'oh I only date Spanish girls' during that golf stream bc Carlos literally helped Lando meet girls (this was before Luisa). straight up he functioned as Lando's F1 and PR social lifeline in a way where Lando was still pretty clingy even up to like late 2022? bc Daniel was another great big alpha personality to do a lot of the heavy lifting like Carlos did but Lando and Daniel are more of a friendship of equals.

but for Carlos, Lando's mostly stayed in that little brother position - even moreso I'd say as Carlos approaches 30 bc his lifestyle now is way more grown-up than Lando's and his approach to his career and racing is vaaaastly different to Lando's. and tbh it's one of many reasons I was glad they didn't stay teammates bc regardless of what fans wanted and PR pushed, that would either not have ended well or it would have had truly excruciating moments (similar to that 'breakup' moment in 2022). I think ultimately they'd always have ended up ok but it's good to not have had to wait and find out how.

I genuinely think it'll only be in retrospect that people learn to appreciate how impressive and cohesive Carlos and Charles' partnership has been bc I only ever see a few people say this. and again, ignoring the whole PR bromance aspect of it, this is in how they have weathered the absolute WORST of everything that could be thrown at a pairing and always come out unified. their fanbases have been at bloody war since day one, the Tifosi have been embroiled in civil war, their own families use multiple platforms to stir up enmity, Ferrari's Borgia-esque culture has directly and indirectly worked to disrupt communication and good will between the two garages. team orders has been Russian roulette every race. the literal racing gods seem to roll the dice when it comes to which of them will be favored and who will be left burning with anger. and even when both suffer equally due to the many forces outside their control, guaranteed everyone but themselves will be trying to somehow pin blame on the other.

a tiny fraction of this amount of drama has been enough to destroy partnerships plenty of times in racing history and even throughout their time as teammates.

AND YET !! every hasty word or outburst is smoothed over within hours or even minutes!

bc the common aortic valve they've mutually decided to share between them has stayed strong, vital and healthy. I cannot wait for their biographies or a docu series bc the amount of obvious communication going on between them fully behind the scenes from absolutely everyone is the only reason they haven't both been locked in a br0cedes degree battle royale. absolutely no one but themselves has wanted them to be harmonious.

and when the most shocking headline probably for a decade happened, they decided the very day after being told (in advance of the public what would turn out to be just a few days) to drive together to Maranello and sign autographs and have photos taken of them in Carlos' car. the rest of us only found out later when the rumors were confirmed that this was a hugely symbolic display of solidarity.

even their intense and fun physicality, when you take the gay chicken aspect of it away, remains in the form of physically finding warmth and steadiness in each other as the only two people who can relate in full detail to the other. they're both your typical super physical European guys with other guys, but even when they're not horsing around there is a comfort and ease in being able to lean close or clap a hand on a shoulder and share closed-eyes embraces.

and that's why Melbourne was a Charles and Carlos affair with little Lando along for it getting his hugs and paternal kisses. when Carlos and Lando looked at each other it was right back to that chummy mischief sparkle in the eye thing they've always had. Lando still inhabits the rosy world of possibility and cresting the height of his career and a vastly different new teammate who is playing a part in that. but when Charles ran over for a private celebration before Carlos had even gotten out of his car - and when they sat together in the cool down room like two bone-weary parents watching TV while Lando buzzed about - and would turn to each other on the podium and lock eyes, it's bc they both get it in exactly the same way. Carlos faces uncertainty but opportunity, Charles faces uncertainty but certain difficulty. all of which was paralleled in Monaco for Charles' win. elation is mixed with grim satisfaction as much as joy.

the relief, the exhaustion, the bitterness of years without the WDC and the long stretches between wins in the back of the throat mixing with the champagne, even their tears of joy this season mixing with the fact that both of them have had tears in their eyes when asked about the end of their partnership - even down to the parallel in each if their wins this year of having a McLaren rugrat scurrying around the edge of drama neither of their pretty young heads has ever experienced even by proximity - both boys already assured by contract and by their performance of steadiness for years to come. the gold of their feelings on podiums hasn't tarnished or worn yet.

as always, the reality of these guys' actual friendships is rarely known until well after retirement. but the fact that Carlos and Charles held something so strong between them that made them reject the much easier option of simply hating each other or just neutrally existing in separate spheres (like so many other partnerships have done) means that mutual respect or mutual agreement or sympathetic personalities - or all three - was their choice, even if it's made their own careers and lives far more complicated and difficult.

#inchreplies #scheduled asks #sorry guys I've got over 100 asks to finally do justice to so I'm scheduling them out to not overload dashes #also I'm sorry if something goes into tags it shouldn't I have no idea what fandom preferences are anymore

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clare-with-no-i · 6 months

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Hey, Clare!! First of all, I completely adore your fics and I re-read many of them multiple times! They're one of the main reasons I got back into the Marauders fandom and you quickly became one of my favourite authors (of any fandom!!)

I have to say, though, theogony is my absolute favourite! I started reading it in 2022 and I never found something else quite like it, it's truly special, and I'm so happy that you completed it! It was well worth the wait!! I'll happily read anything else you write in that universe if you ever do (tbf I'll happily read anything you write, period 😆)

Anyway, your most recent reblog reminded me that I started drawing how I imagined theogony ATJ!James back in 2022… the plan was to add Sophie!Lily and maybe draw a couple of scenes, but life happened and I never got around to finishing it and ended up not posting it at all, which is a shame (tbh at the time I wasn't quite satisfied with how it looked and planned to do more research on the period-accurate clothing, hair and etc, but in retrospect it looks fine and I was probably just being too hard on myself lol) so I decided to finally share it with you!

Better late than never I guess 😅 it's a simple thing, but I hope you like it!!

ALLY OH MY GOD first of all this is the loveliest message ever, I cannot thank you enough for being so kind about my works! and SECOND OF ALL….I actually screamed out loud when I scrolled and saw this beautiful, wonderful art!!! that is Dimitrios son of Philoctetes of Athens!!!

I’m like pacing in my apartment waving my hands around (trying to type is an uphill battle) about this right now, my god this is SO BEAUTIFUL!

#ask #allysketches #words! do not! express! how I feel!!!!#theogony #art

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diezmil10000 · 8 months

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2023 art summary + thoughts on my own art progress under the cut!!

(template by HedgeCatDragonix on deviantart)

so i've been doing this for 10 years :P

i'm not posting these pics in high quality, they're somewhere on the internet if you want to scavange for a bit. i didn't start taking art seriously until late 2015 and i honestly don't like looking back at old drawings. i still like my 2022 art summary but it wasn't until this year that i'm proud of all my finished artworks.

my art journey is complicated. i'm not one of those artists who can say they've been drawing for all their lifes. i used to trace pokémon in my school agendas but that was it. around 2013, a couple of friends invited me to their Skype server where we used to draw each other's ocs and make art memes and stuff - it was fun and cringe in the most positive way i can say it :] i didn't know shit about art and i took pride in drawing on MS Paint with a mouse just because it was hard.

(all of my drawings until may 2018 were made with a mouse)

when i was 15 yo i got into Love Live! and i decided to get better at art because i didn't want lesbian fanart to be made only by creepy cishet men. at some point i watched this video from Sycra and it rewired my brain. i understood that i needed to actually practise and understand what i was doing, and that i wasn't going to improve just by observing. its follow-up video also helped me a lot, i remember watching it on the day it was posted jskhfdjdfd.

and so fast forward until 2021 approx. i spent all of those years practising drawing in my traditional sketchbooks, so my improvement was steady. the only problem, and in retrospective i see it as a Big Problem, is that i was grinding mindlessly. by that i mean that i copied artists i liked and i drew again and again stuff i was bad at, but i didn't think too deeply about it or analysed my own art to look for faster ways to improve it. i also don't take feedback well so i didn't ask for it either, which further slowed down my progress.

on top of it, that just made me better at drawing, not at illustration. i firmly believe that a good drawing is hard to ruin but i could have made my illustrations way more interesting if i had started going wild with colors and effects way earlier. i don't exactly regret my choices because at the end of the day it's just my hobby, and i've been praised for drawing a lot and for challenging myself to practise drawing traditionally, so i want this to be read as introspection rather than complaints!!

the reason why 2021 was a big change in my art is because in november i did this monstrosity:

i got an Android tablet to be able to draw in class and took the challenge alongside my friend Nico, who also did their own Huevember. hola si estás leyendo esto Nico, aunque lo dudo :) i can't say that any of the drawings made me better at anatomy, or composition, or colors. i can't say that they solidified my knowledge, either. but they planted a seed in my brain that would fully bloom in late 2022, which is the seed of hating the finished result of some pieces so much that i forced myself to improve.

everyone has their own motivation to get better at art and i've always thought that mine was a healthy one (i want to draw more lesbians, that's all). however, i've had a very solid 2023 and now i don't cringe at any of my pieces, plus i can notice any mistakes they have without wanting to delete them from existence - and i could only get there because at the end of 2022 i told myself i wouldn't make any more ugly illustrations. like, period. i didn't want to get anxious every time i had to look back on my own art.

i also learned that no ammount of compliments from others would magically make me like a piece i see as mid at best. of course, i appreciate every single nice comment i get (genuinely, i get very happy knowing that other people love my work), but gratitude doesn't fix a skill issue.

so, late 2022, many things happened. first i got cancelled on twitter over a drawing of my beloved mizuki from project sekai (this info will be relevant later). then i spent a whole month doing this other monstrosity that is to this day the best thing i've ever done. i haven't peaked it (yet):

this comic actually made me improve and solidify my skills. it wasn't a class assignment, or a collaboration, or anything more than a headcanon i shared with a friend - it was pure brainrot over Revue Starlight and it made me put all my cunt into it. this was also the point at which i started filling in blacks with the bucket tool instead of picking a very dark color, which is a big part of my current style :3

the thing about people cancelling me is that i had to distance myself from fandoms and eventually change accunts, which also affected how i perceived my own art. even if i draw for myself, at the end of the day i still draw characters that are loved by many people, so i disabled comments and stopped interacting with other artists of my fandom circles. that led me to go on hiatus at the start of 2023, knowing that it was time for a fresh start (my art accounts were 5 years old anyway).

that period of time made me think a lot about my finished pieces. since i wouldn't post them until i had a new account, i would stare at them for longer than ever or make small changes even if days had already passed. letting my mind rest from illustrations i had been working on and knowing i could change them whenever i wanted was a big step forward.

i realised that for the past years i had been in a hurry to post my drawings as soon as i was done with them instead of appreciating them. that was a turning point for my mindset. this was also past the time i decided to stop making ugly art, but i hadn't really taken any measures to get better. so i changed the wording of the challenge: i can make ugly art but i can't post it if i don't like it.

it doesn't sound epic, but for some reason it worked. every time i was in the middle of making a drawing that looked kind of ugly, i changed it until it looked right. not perfect, but good enough to avoid cringing in the future. some times i had to redraw it from scratch with a more interesting pose. some times i needed to add a background or a graphic element to make the characters pop. and somewhere on that period, i went wild with colors and effects, and a lot of times that saved a piece that would otherwise be boring.

i have to thank Revolutionary Girl Utena and Revue Starlight for making me experiment a lot during my hiatus. both pieces of media, one being the daugher of the other, give artists so many visual metaphors and interesting topics to work with. the revstar brainrot had been there since the junnana comic, but rgu was something i had been meaning to rewatch for a couple of years and it hit me like a fucking train. it also made me create one of the comics i'm the most proud about:

then i got into homestuck and my art got. well. stuck!! >D< but it was okay because i wasn't making ugly drawings anymore. i was putting into practise a lot of things i had been learning or experimenting with, especially regarding colors and character interactions. and the yuri was delicious hmmmmmmm.

the rest of 2023 was very linear in terms of art but not so much in terms of fandoms (?). which is fine, honestly, but i was also glad to get back into Fire Emblem: Three Houses in late that year because when i first got into it in 2019 i didn't have the skill to draw everything i wanted to draw. and i still haven't drawn all the yuri scenarios that i've been cooking in my mind, but i have until forever to do it!!

so for 2024 i want to study some stuff i feel i'm still lacking in. i think i've always had a good eye for composition, but i've never actually pushed it in my finished illustrations - they depend a lot on the poses because i've always been prioritising drawing over everything else. that needs to change this year.

i also want to get better at drawing characters from extreme angles. i've always felt like my poses are a bit flat and i think i can study photos taken with wide angle lenses to improve at that.

and of course i still want to draw faster, which is something i've always struggled with. i think i have a good rhythm of "producing" art (excuse me for the poor wording), but i'm still too slow for the kind of artstyle i want to achieve, which includes having a looser lineart and less details in irrelevant areas of the drawings. i think that overdoing the lineart actually hurts my illustrations, because everything ends up pulling the viewer's attention with the same energy. i also think messy artstyles are neat.

i promise i'm not crazy and i don't hate what i do. in fact, it's precisely because this year i managed to make some pieces with that kind of feel that i know where i want to aim. special mention to the junnana comic because i haven't been able to replicate that lineart ever since.

examples:

as for the stuff i like about my current artstyle, i definitely want to keep the way i color!! and by that i mean the method i have for applying filters that make my colors pop. i could maybe play more with textures too.

i also like the way i depict intimacy, and people have praised it too. thank you for noticing. it's the yearning that's doing it, not me. but i don't think i'll ever change the content (?) of my art, i eat breathe and speak in yuri. if anything, there are still some ways of conveying feelings that i haven't been able to draw because i lack the skill to do so, but i'll keep trying ;)

i honestly didn't expect this post to be this long. i've been writing for hours now and i'm not sure my thoughts are coherent for anyone that isn't me. i also can't grasp the idea that some people know me from fanart i did in 2016 while others started following me last month, time is wild and it's an extra dimension of complexity that i don't know how to account for when i write stuff like this.

but again, as i do with art, i've written this for myself. it's been nice to put my thoughts in order. i think i've only talked about art in depth with like 5 people and it's always been in casual conversation. no creo que estéis leyendo pero Nahia y Henar os amo y he aprendido mucho de vosotras.

thank you for reading until the end if you have. i hope you have not only a nice day but a nice year. let's meet again in the future.

#diez's art thoughts

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jamlessjj · 3 months

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Portrait of Bono - colored pencil on 8.5 in. x 5.5 in. paper

I dedicate this post to my ultramarine blue colored pencil. Rest In Peace, you were this drawing's strongest soldier.

The Short Version

I expect this post to be lengthy, but to summarize:

There is music to be found in a face. I enjoy the way Bono's face harmonizes with itself, and I do not necessarily mean it in the sense of uniformity or the blend between a perfect interval. When I think of the harmonies in his face, I think of tension and contradiction, and an ambiguity that is pleasant to sit in and marvel at. It is kind of like hearing a full, tall chord that makes something in you buzz when struck, or seeing a mountain range jut into the sky, making the air ring from its boldness (I totally equate Bono's nose to a mountain, and those close to me know I love mountains). Sitting in this ambiguity, I felt like his features connected with one another in unexpected and exciting ways. To make another comparison, I feel the same way when I watch the moon rise at its fullest and map out a face in its craters.

Now, if you so desire to know the nitty-gritty of my experience with this drawing, read on.

The Long Version

If you were to look up the dictionary definition of trusting the process, me working on this portrait would be exhibit A. Deciding to proceed with a portrait done in full color really set the tone. The last piece I have done fully in color dates back to August 2022. So, the evolution of this drawing began with me staring skeptically at my colored pencils and oil pastels for a good half hour, until I felt brave enough to even breathe on them.

Right off the bat, I knew I wanted to generally structure the process around chiaroscuro, an effect and/or technique that focuses on strong contrast between light and dark values. In drawing and painting, the chiaroscuro technique involves beginning on a mid-tone surface. Darker (usually thinner) layers of the subject are added first, then the subject is built upon with increasingly lighter (usually thicker) layers. I felt like this focus on strong contrast would, in addition to shadows and highlights, also bring out the contrasting features in Bono's face, such as the harshness of his eyebrows versus the roundness/softness of his eyes. Whether the final product truly looks like a chiaroscuro piece is debatable, though I think following the technique's general guidelines helped me achieve the depth I was going for.

I did not have any mid-tone paper on me, so the first 40 minutes or so were spent covering the paper in a thin layer of colored pencil:

When working in color, I like to utilize complimentary color schemes. I am especially crazy about color schemes centered around blue and orange, and wanted to lean into that here. My rule of thumb was for the darker, shadowy layers, I would use blue tones, and for lighter layers, I would use orange tones. The blue layers were a place for me to loosely shape points of shadow and recession in Bono's face, and simply get the lines that make up his features down on paper. To be frank, it was at this point I began to wonder if committing to the bit and drawing Bono was a mistake.

Engaging with the portrait at this stage was akin to repeating the same word so many times it fails to sound like itself. I was so intensely fixated on the tiny aspects of him that get lost in a glance--is the contour of his bottom lip aligned with his chin? Did I get the asymmetry between his eyelids right? Should I draw his freckles now or later? It was jarring to step back and consider each of these details in tandem with one another. I asked myself, are these features even working in tandem with one another, is this even Bono? Bomaybe? In retrospect, I think what alarmed me was seeing this layer exist on its own. To bring the harmony analogy back, I had struck only a single note with this layer instead of multiple. It simply lacked the context for depth and movement that other layers would hopefully provide.

As for the lighter layers, I had mixed feelings about how to proceed medium-wise. Colored pencil is not a medium I frequently use, so I doubted my ability to get the thickness I wanted these layers to have with colored pencil alone. Initially, I considered using oil pastels for the lighter layers, but ultimately decided in this case, the textural disconnect between colored pencil and oil pastel might create some unwanted separation between the shadows and highlights. I ended up sticking with colored pencils, and I think this helped elevate the interplay between angular areas and softer areas of Bono's face.

Watching the layers slowly converge was quite satisfying. And, I finally got to draw his freckles!

Here is a close-up of the finished piece.

And the reference, shot by Anton Corbijn:

That's all for now. If anyone stuck around to the end of this post, thank you for taking the time to read it! I had a great time with this portrait, so definitely expect more U2 art.

#u2 #u2 band #bono #the edge #adam clayton #larry mullen jr #art #compared bono to the moon and now I have like a million ideas about what I could draw next #thinking about that lyric from the fly that's like they say the sun is sometimes eclipsed by the moon

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