#3 more hours before i can sleep
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Thinking about vampires, death, life, and the space they occupy in between
#to be or not to be. that is the question#ty adam for being my model for dramatic vampire moment#musings on the thinkings about:#when to live you are required to hurt others. you must repeatedly ask yourself what the value of your life is#To sleep... perchance to dream...#ah. THERES THE RUB.#ok I actually couldnt come up with too many thoughts. I had a lot more while I was drawing this but I guess I put them in the painting LOL#reading that soliloquy and being like damn this is just like vampires#the reality of course is that the soliloquy is a debate over suicide and ultimately making the choice to live#even if just out of fear of the unknown#and vampires are about dying and then in undeath choosing to continue to live#despite the fear of eternity and loneliness and hurting others#theyre not the same. but like let me thiiink come onnnn I'm allowed to thiiink and have incomplete thoughts#I would have to write like a proper essay about this to organize my thoughts. this is the tags on a tumblr post.#anyways finished episode 79#working on patreon stickers for this month (and next month soon)#and working on book 4. taking a pause from episodes cause I've got 3 weeks of buffer now... UGH#I'm so mad that they changed it. it would have been 5 weeks before but it's fine it's whatever#anyways yeah taking a break from episodes to make my book now!#its good stuff.#and this painting is good stuff#banger after banger from me tbh#this was a little relaxing giving myself a couple hours to muse#it's necessary for my health and I always forget that til I do a painting...#I loved doing the little landscape in the background too I should do that more! I love how plants are just like whatever shape you want#like you can make up any plant you want and not only does that plant PROBABLY exist somewhere#a weirder plant exists somewhere too. so. literally whatever you want#ok bye again for a few days while I get back to work
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I absolutely HAD to draw something for @phoebepheebsphibs's DTIYS (based on this pose)! I decided to mix things up a bit by experimenting with a more limited color palette, which was a pretty fun challenge.
#rottmnt#rise of the tmnt#pheebsdtiys#art#my art#my post#tmnt#alt text#dtiys#mikey#uify#until I found you#I don't actually know how clothing folds work#my “method” is throwing a bunch of stuff against the wall and seeing what sticks#which is basically my method for drawing in general I guess#trial and error#but I've definitely improved since I started so I guess it works right?#anyways#it's like 5am as I'm drafting this post#just finished feeding my daughter and waiting for her to fall asleep before I go back to bed#perfect time to draft a post and ramble in the tags right?#my schedule has gotten so weird with a newborn#but I make time for drawing turtles where I can#saw this dtiys and knew immediately that I had to do it#stayed up way too late doing it probably#but those 2-3 hour intervals where she's sleeping are a good chunk of my free time nowadays#and I am more than happy to spend them drawing uify mikey
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very tempted to sleep on the airport by wrapping my head entirely in a bundle with my scarf but also scared of how strangers may percieve me
#about 4 more hours before i can board the plane and 3 hour plane ride then 3 hour drive home#the 17 hour travel time is halfway over#i am running off of 3 hours of sleep#sara shush
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OK BUT LISTEN
The whole Dickolas twitter thing is amazing and hilarious, but it proves WORD OF MOUTH (er, text) WORKS!!
Season 3 depends on how well it does, so WE SHOULD KEEP GUSHING ABOUT TRIGUN STAMPEDE! Rate it, review it, recommend it to friends, family, YouTube reactors, twitch streamers, your middle school bus driver, anyone that'll listen!
Honestly, even if there weren't more seasons riding on this, Studio Orange deserves ALL the recognition just for how much WORK was clearly put into this series ALONE, and spreading the Love and Peace is the least we can do to thank them for that!
Plus, it's just good. Like, REALLY good. Seriously, if you haven't watched it, it's only 12 episodes so far, with smooth action, lovable characters, and a lot of emotion, so WATCH IT! You'll love it!
#trigun#ooc#ALL LIKE... IDK 15 OF US!#honestly i enjoyed Stampede even more than the 98 version- and THAT is saying something!#SPREAD THE LOVE LIKE HERPES!#(can you tell I'm running on like; 3 hours of sleep?)#trigun stampede#I'll stop before i go on a tangent of how good it is#all iterations are good
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well, you can see it!
#art#my art#artists on tumblr#digital art#pink space#practicing... [melts away]#no i did not reference the shading in the actual ref. 'why not' dude i actually do not know lmaoo - it's pretty lazy but that's#practice babyyyy :33#//it's also 4 a.m. rn isn't that neat hghfsh#i fell asleep at like 7 or 8 and then got woken up around 10 or 11 so i guess i just don't sleep anymore lolll#ay but i finished this so that's :D !#i just need a full front ref for this thing and i KNOW i can do this i knowww itttt hbhhfsv#glammed her up because she deserves it. look at her :33#this Did take me like 2 hours i am not great at details hfhhfhsv#no i'm not going to use half of them (lord i hope not) but it was nice anyway :D#it's nice both turning off my brain but also having to use it to full capacity to be sure i'm not missing like an entire wheel before i#start colouring Lmaooo <3#this Was fun though and i like how it's turned out! maybe i'll do more vehicle studies at some point. did one for a 67 pontiac the other da#and that was fun :D those old boxy cars are sooo nice to draw hfsh#//anyway. [jiggles away into the fog]
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someone on twitter genuinely just said to me that they think transmascs are born with male privilege. i dont think I've ever taken more psychic damage in my life
#where did you get that from#WHERE#WHAT PART OF BEING VIEWED AS A WOMAN GIVES ME MALE PRIVILEGE#i dont even have the mental capacity to properly engage with this anymore#i shouldve gone to sleep 3 hours ago instead of getting into the conversation that resulted in this absolutely goofy take#if you can comprehend that transfems don't have male privilege pretransition because they're subject to transmisogyny#why cant you comprehend that AFAB transmascs are subject to misogyny if they dont pass#which most of us don't before during or after transition#transmasc and transfem oppression are not opposites of each other#they are more similar to each other than any gender oppression that a cis woman would be frequently subjected to#transandrophobia#transphobia#transmasc#nonbinary#transneutral#trans#transgender#tepid takes like this are exactly why we need transunitism#transunitism#transmasculine#transmisandry#i don't really like the word transmisandry but i wont get into it the tags are already really long#anti-transmasculinity#antimasculism#anti transmasculinity
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trying to pursue a clear of triumvirate on hlm is such a humbling experience
#lizz.txt#i have a lot i could say about this but i need to SLEEP so i can make more attempts tomorrow <3#but WOW! i streamed some of my attempts/me trying to build my meter.... it was 14 shifts#i won 13/14 of them but also trying to clear triumvirate on this difficulty is such a wildly different story from trying to clear HLM#the skillset required for it is a cut above the rest especially if you're trying to do this in freelance w/o a dedicated group/partner#but i think it was a worthwhile training arc before i do more attempts tomorrow...#i think i talk about the discrepancy btween clearing the regular waves vs xtrawave a lot during my stream i did#so i wont repeat myself in the tags but GOD it's definitely really fun to do sr. learning and trying to get better at it-#is something that really gels with my brain in a way that other video games dont... IDK WHY!!! its just so fun to me <3#...i played 12.5 hours of big run.... ah.. beh!!!!#'i have a lot i could say about this but i need to sleep' and boom tag text wall whoops
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.
#Seven's Public Diary#vent#vent post#cw vent#cw vent post#can i go more than a fucking week without having my cptsd triggered again? pLEASE???#me and my haywire nervous system can't ever catch a fucking break i swear to god#at least i managed to get the Matt fic posted before that happened and ruined my night#literally three minutes after i hit post. something has to happen IRL and ruin my slight good mood. sigh. anyways#my chest still feels tight but my focus is coming back i think. lets hope the rest of the night is uneventful#anyways. uh. positives. got the Matt fic posted on here And Ao3! yay. after working on it the last two evenings it's officially done#i know i put way too much effort into my fics especially ones that will get very little readership but eh i can't help it#time spent doing something you enjoy is never time wasted or however the saying goes#uh oh. the stress injury in my neck is starting to feel tight again. that's probably not a great sign#i should try to relax. been sitting at my desk too much recently and my back's mad abt it too#i would unwind with some Genshin exploration grinding or smthn but that's just more desk sitting time#so hm. animal crossing in bed it is then#watch me say that then spend the next 3 hours on tumblr#i cant help it i want to update my pinned posts and fill my queue up some more#and i have some drafts to work on... still need to finish that Sun & Moon appearance guide for ES#maybe i'll pull an all-nighter. i need to fix my sleep schedule again. like badly. but then i risk a migraine. aaggghhhhhh#anyways this has been Venting and Bad Decision Making 101 thabks for coming to my TED talk#oh hey look at that i got a like on the Matt fic. mood slightly improved. thank u whoever u r <3
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yeah I'm not gonna talk abt it am I...
#well thats okay. eventually itll come up naturally. and if not well. it doesnt make me feel very okay. but its not a big deal#and i guess ill meet ppl in the future who will curate a different idea of me and maybe therell be fewer misunderstandings#<- coward who CAN communicate to save their life but not in any lower stakes situation for their happiness n quality of life#we <3 repression n insecurity. maybe if i keep digging at the corner of this bit of the labyrinth with my spoon ill get out someday 😌#anyway.. theres my daily vague vent post got it out of my system#wanted to do it earlier but ended up not having much time after work n then called friends which was nice :^)#also i never have signal at work these days.. my boss has said shell get me on the staff wifi tho cuz i do need it for work reasons#its rare to need it for work purposes bc we all use work pcs n stuff anyway and not rly supposed to use mobiles in the lab#but yeahh.. god i have so much admin shit to sort out also gotta text family back before i sleep i forgot to earlier#its all good.. also my memory foam pillows turned up so i no longer have to steal my roomies extra one for my neck pain <3#ik she was missing it... not to sound like a creep but it was nice that it smelled like her a little. just familiar innit#we're always around each other so its just what being home smells like to me.. listen i have a sensitive nose 😔✋️#if we were a lot closer i would ask if i could sleep in her bed while shes away but we're not so it would come across sooo weird..#and i would feel rly weird abt someone sleeping in my own room without me there. well maybe not actually. as long as they werent snooping#<- guy whose mother used to go thru their shit all the time n struggles to not feel paranoid and distrustful when it comes to privacy#was thinking recently my ideal living situation w a partner would be separate rooms but we still share the bed sometimes#but not every night bc im a sensitive sleeper... but we can switch bedding so i can still smell them if i wake up in the night alone#like how new mothers trying to get babies used to cot sleeping each have a cloth or blanket and swap every night#so the baby is comforted by the blankets smell and sleeps more peacefully.. and momma finds it easier being apart from the baby too#sorry this is getting gooey and weird my meds have been wearing off the last couple hours im so sleeppyyyy 😭#well.... maybe everything can wait until tomorrow..... bed is calling..#goodnight everyone muah#.diaries
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pray for me now and at the hour of my death*** going to class jet lagged out of my mind
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one more thing thats been rotating around my head:
my school anime club hosts an anime con in the spring and i am genuinely so excited bc club members are staff amnd we are hsoting it! and i can host a panel!!!
#itd be my first anime con]#and also why part of the reason im trying to homemake a cosplay so i can have a cool one to wear#so many panel ideas are running around my head#i wanna make it bsd themed but im unsure how popular that would be#so i was thinking since im planning to go in dead apple fyodor cosplay#fyodor has that one line i really love “welcome to happy group counseling hour!! Im your host-- Fyodor Dostoyevsky”#and it sounds like hes introducing a game show (im not gonna force the panel goers into a counseling hour sobs dwdw)#SO my idea was anime themed game show w/ good prizes corresponding to the animes i picked the questions from#like itd INCLUDE bsd but it wouldnt be only about bsd is what im saying#therefor making it more appealing to the general con goers!!!#god its in may and im beginning to prepare for it now help me#of course i have a fuck ton of time to prepare but ive always liked to have my details in check long before the actual thing happens#i feel sorry for you and am deeply thankful if you read through my mess of thoughts#ily! /p :D#actually goodnight now its like 1:30am and id prefer to sleep earlier than i did last night <3#sodaramblestoomuch
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It’s hard being a sleepy boy in this Be Productive 24/7 Or Eat Shit And Die world
#vent in the tags#I wish I had the energy to stay awake as long as everybody else#I wish I didn’t have to take naps either#I wish I could sleep 8 hours straight and not fucked up choppy 3-4 hour intervals#I wish I wasn’t so tired all the damn time#*someone interrupts my nap just as I’m finally falling asleep* ‘whatever you have all night to sleep’#no the fuck I don’t 😭#I do my homework well into the night and then it takes forever to fall asleep and then I wake up a couple hours later anyway#and wait until I’m sleepy again and pray I can get some more sleep before my alarm goes off#I got like 3 hours total the other night and was a zombie throughout the day#I’m not lazy I’m perpetually exhausted jfc no wonder I’m so moody all the damn time
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MOTHERFUCK i did not realize how much those antidepressants made me feel physically psychologically and dare i say spiritually like a peat mummy
literally 2 days off them and i've experienced more joy, lucidity, motivation and general good vibes than i did in the whole 2 months i was on them 😭😭
#now granted i did only sleep for 3 hours#but i felt more refreshed and energized today than i ever did when the pills forced me into 8 hours of pseudo-death a night#MY INTERNAL MONOLOGUE IS BACK TO NEVER SHUTTING TF UP#it was practically bones for so long oml#i'm usually annoyingly verbose but i was only able to say like 5 words at a time before i forgot how to end my sentence#yeah i'm prolly gonna lose the rose tinted glasses in a few days when the novelty wears off but for now#it's so nice to feel like myself and not like a lobotomized skinwalker trying to wear my own mannerisms convincingly#(obvsly they help some ppl or they wouldn't be an option to prescribe but GOD they fit my brain chemistry as well as a fork fits an outlet)#<<<<<<I CAN DO THAT AGAIN!!! I MISSED MY STUPID METAPHORS AND MY BAD PUNS AND MY SLIGHTLY OUT OF POCKET JOKES#i was fucking trying but it fundamentally doesn't work if u Try#yoda moment but whatever#yippeee#god did they fucking '''cure''' my ADHD instead of my depression#ok if this is what some ppl's experience of ADHD meds is like then the 'they made me feel like a robot' thing makes a LOT more sense#personally they just make me feel like. yk that one comic abt ADHD with the dog metaphor#yeah amphetamines my beloved let me hold the leash rather than becoming a human dogsled to the whims of my psyche#actually i think i was rather uncharitable to my current dream mask normal pills#i just happened to get mega bitch burnout for 3 months and then spend 2 in the aforementioned peat bog where souls go to die#when not impeded by outside circumstances i think they actually are completely fine#maybe not QUITE as agressively effective as my previous prescription but the ritalin was str8 up harsh#i tried it again for a week and it made my heart beat like it was being powered by a caffienated hamster#but when i used to take it i was already experiencing Real paranoid gerbil anxiety so it just kinda blended in#i only noticed the Severe Health Issue i got bundled as a side effect#and i keep having to remind myself not to go rose-tinted abt how bad it rlly was in retrospect#do i just need to leave a sticky note on my mirror like 'hey dumbass that was NOT a net positive period of ur life'#lexi stfu challenge
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I am. Not dead. BUT will be gone for a like a day or few because the stuff at work did not! want! to! work!
Which I'd another way of saying that I finally was able to get free after working 34 consecutive hours in a row. The day prior I got 1 hour of sleep and that is all after 5 days of 10 or 11 hour work days.
I am so sleepy. I am taking tomorrow off and probably going to sleep right through it. Anywho cheers everyone!! I am going to go to the shadow realm now @:P
#syncrovoid.txt#delete later#maybe??#the one coworjer that has been helping as best he can is now calling me a cyborg haha! it is funny#but strange because before i was officially hired the supervisor (lead programmer) said i was#i was like a robot and if i had been perfect there'd be no difference#<- this was his notes when i finished my (payless) practicum there that lead to me being hired before graduating#ironically the new guy (hes been around half a year lol) was one of the only other people that graduated from my course#none of us ever met but it is cool!! and he did a lot to help out over this week of nonstop work#<- okay i KNOW someone will say “hey. you know you could have stopped right?”#but consider. i have very bad body awareness so i dont notice much impact from sleep deprivation and also i would feel so guilty @:(#and also consider!! i have either earned a hefty paycheck of the redt of the week off so like. capitalism yay?????#<- i do not support capitalism#ALSO sleep deprivation is SOOO silly because i get hyper! i feel like i get more and more energy and my brain doesnt stop thinking!#i have had a grand total of 3 hours of sleep in the past uhhh 4 days??#it is so silly!! but probably not good for me#but i CAN confirm to you that when websites say it takes 3 days of no sleep to start hallucinating they are exaggerating#it takes at least 5 or a week with only 1 or 2 hours sleep#even then it is so minor.#weirdest sleep deprivation hallucinations ive had was where every second time i blinked the world was overlayed with a different one#it has happened twice and it is literally and without exageration the STRANGEST feeling in the world. in the universe even#it is like you are flickering btween two realms that occupy the same physical space but from two different theoretical spaces#if that makes sense??#the first time it happened it was at a huge school sleep over and every few moments the gym full of sleeping bags and other peeps#would transform into all the chill monsters just living their life. like monsters in terms of not looking human nor like any earthly creatur#but not mentally monsters. it was like a towns square sort of thing? so they were rushing about and coming in and out the doors#second time it happened i was like 14 and in the back of an overstuffed car with a friend and their mom and we were in the middle of nowhere#forest for hours and hours longer still. slept on the side of the road lol. but it was like very so often huge huge giants would step over#the trees. all you could see was the somewhat woody-scaly texture of these massive massive poles or legs or whatever#slowly moving over the forest and walking around. looking up into the sky they just faded away too tall to see
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crawls in here coughing and wheezing... everyone is so niceys to me.....
#sobs and collapses djfjndlsl#anyways good-.... well not good morning anymore. good afternoon everybuddy DJDKSL#i spent two real life hours this morning after waking up the first time in like... semi sleep paralysis ???#idk what it is but it happens sometimes where i cannot wake myself up and im on the cusp of being awake but i cant open my eyes or move LOL#and then i will finally be able to wake up for like three seconds before sleep drags me under again and then im stuck again#its so frustrating and drives me nuts 😭😭#BUT IT WAS SO NICE TO SEE KIND TAGS AND EVERYTHING FROM LAST NIGHT YAY THANK U ALL DJFJDKL#everyone so niceys to me :3#i want to draw more for ppl but I'll see what im capable of today fjdksl i am going traveling w parents tomorrow for a medical thing#(not for me but for one of them fjfkdl im just going along so i can perhaps purchase yarn bc they have a craft store there !!! yippee !!!)#anyways so i have to ... do stuff today to be ready for tomorrow and then yay hurray maybe i will draw after i get stuff done#dancing and grooving and boogying down djdkdl kicking my feet and becoming The Smiler reading over tags and rbs :]#dandy.cmd
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my (virtual) meeting with my thesis advisor is in... 7 hours. I'm sort of almost finished writing the exposé that I was supposed to write. sort of. I'll probably need another hour or two until I feel okay enough about it to actually get any sleep.
unfortunately my left arm is realllly starting to hurt and I can't lift it much anymore (thanks to the covid booster I got today). hopefully I'll get it done anyway. and hopefully the pain won't be so bad that I can't sleep.
#I mean. if I get... idk like 3-4 hours of sleep that should be enough#I only have to be awake until the meeting is over. then I'll probably go back to bed.#and that way if it goes really really badly I can escape from that by being asleep lol#I hope it'll be okay 😭 I'm so scared#but it's this... much more quiet subtle kind of scared. I never experienced that before the anxiety meds#so it feels weird.#I haven't even cried yet! no panic attacks or anything! there have been a few meltdowns but not specifically about this#so I have to keep reminding myself that this is fine! I can handle this! it used to be sooooo much worse and I somehow got through that too#so I will definitely get through this and it will be okay#after all - no matter what happens. I'll be done with uni in February. I won't have to speak to my advisor ever again (so if he thinks I'm a#fucking idiot it doesn't matter at all!)#this is far from the hardest thing I've done! I was my dad's carer. I got my driver's license (yes that was very hard for me). I was in#therapy. I lived in abusive households until I was 25! this is easy in comparison#it just feels hard because I can't stand the feeling of being judged. and this is. just. me being judged (for what I write)#but it will be okay and I'll never write anything like this ever again and I'll get a break and I'll find a job I don't hate and it'll all#be worth it#personal#posts about my thesis
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