#A PROBLEM I'M EXPECTED TO FIX
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yesterday i had a panic attack at work and sobbed for over an hour at my desk in front of all of my coworkers bc i was frozen to the spot and couldn't like...move myself to a different area at the very least. and i embarrassed the fuck out of myself and now i'm afraid of the new job that i loved 🙃
#i just want to have all the answers and i don't and the more people try to reassure me i'm still just learning the more upset i get!!!!#then i couldnt even come home bc HE was trying to comfort me and tell me the same shit#and its like it doesmt matter that ill eventually get it!!!!!!!! i dont get it RIGHT NOW and right now is what matters if you want me to#start taking incoming calls from clients who want me to explain it TO THEM!!!!#like i understand the basics of our software but i dont understand basic accounting math AT. ALL. which is part of what our software does so#if i get a call about that even if i understand what the software is supposed to do in theory i dont understand the fucking math!!!!!!!#i just look at it and it means NOTHING to me it might as well just be scribbles on a wall#and it doesnt matter to a client if im new and their books are messed up all that matters is that im stupid and cant help them and then i#freeze and therein lies the problem#the expectation is that i 'learn' using real people's real problems as examples and emotionally i cant handle the weight of NOT FIXING#A PROBLEM I'M EXPECTED TO FIX#my trauma response relies heavily on 'if i just fix the problem ill be safe' so when i cant fix it i literally revert to fucking infancy#which makes me great at customer service bc I'll go to any lengths to help you!!!!!!! but i dont feel like i have the tools to do that yet#amd i dont know how to explain that to my boss without making me sound even more useless than he is probably already perceiving me after#what happened yesterday
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Me: This fic needs plot.
My brain: Okay, I understand. The fic needs more wallowing.
Me: No. We need to cut back on the wallowing to get to the plot so this doesn't like three more weeks to write.
My brain. Got it, got it. The fic needs Wilson to have free time so he just walks around and contemplates. Nice long chunk of Wilson's depression and trauma.
Me: No. Not at all. It needs less time reflecting on the past.
My brain: Understood. I have the solution. The fic needs...flashbacks.
Me: Okay fuck it. Fine.
#house md#hatecrimes md#fanfiction#fanfic writing#james wilson#seriously how am I not at the SII part yet#SII is always a tool to START the real plot#After her there must be relationship problems and therapy and even more important angst wallowing and then the climax and resolution#And yet. The fic is already over 5000 words#I not only missed my self-imposed deadline I'm going to miss it by a lot#But I am working on it every day so eventually you can expect a shiny new Research fic casting light in Wilson's trauma#The premise is “what if Wilson's 'eating neediness' and compulsive Fix It attempts are an ingrained habit imposed on him from a young age”#Because just because House says Wilson loves it doesn't mean he actually does#He and House are actually really bad at analyzing each other#I don't think Wilson is so attached to House because he needs to care for House (House doesn't even let him care for him that often)#I think it's kind of the opposite. House lets Wilson shrug off his need to be a caring angel and let out his inner bastard#The attachment is based on NOT fixing House or being expected to make him all better#The attachment is Wilson feeling safe enough to act on the impulse to saw House's cane in half without hating himself or being punished#Like they can fight and be juvenile and insult each other and then still love each other#Neither will leave the other upon figuring out who the other Really Is TM
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the grand plan for this weekend was to absolutely BLAST through editing the last 8k of the jayvik; however yesterday the lock on my room broke! i called the landlord and his response was 'i don't know a locksmith so i don't know what you expect me to do' after which i had to prompt him into calling fucking SOMEONE and he then threatened to saddle me with the emergency callout fee. the lock is now fixed but according to the guy 'will need replacing sometime' so i spent the rest of the day curled up in bed unable to function. i am now scared of locking my door in case i break it again!!!!!
#i was so angry when he was like 'what do expect me to do'#you're my landlord#clearly i expect you to fix problems with the house#which is what i pay you almost £800 a month to do#the handle makes kind of a clicking noise now#so i'm going to give it a week of being very very careful with it#and then go heeeey you know they said the handle would need replacing? can we do that sooner rather than later? thanks#so fucking stressful i'm now scared to leave my room#nettle talks#we love renting so much it's so great
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My first ADHD evaluation appointment is in a couple days and I feel like a fakerrrrrrr even though I've thought I've had ADHD for literal yearssssss why does this happen
#a lot of it has to do with my recent autism realization and it's really really hard for me to untangle my neurodivergences#and i want to Avoid talking about autism at the adhd eval#but looking at the adhd sheet i filled out the autism feels so obvious... i feel like i'm going to be exposed or something#''did you have sensory issues as a child'' Uh Oh!#they're going to be scrutinizing that. to make sure that my adhd traits are separate from my autistic traits.#i know i know it's just to avoid misdiagnosing people but. i really need this diagnosis#i want to be medicated but i'm scared of being medicated#i'm scared that i don't actually have adhd and am just like this for some other reason. because adhd actually has medication#other things... do not#not that i expect medication to fix my problems obv it's just. hope for the future. and if it doesn't work i'll have nothing#it's not really worth being worried about but... i don't know#i don't trust my own perception of things so it's. not fun to be putting myself under the microscope like this#personal
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Source material: children and babies are not inherently afraid of the Venom Symbiote 99% of the time and in fact have been shown to be quite fond of it
(Amazing Spider-Man #362, Venom: Funeral Pyre #1, Venom: Space Knight #1 & #10)
Every adaptation:
#venom#flash thompson#eddie brock#listen... the third Sony film can fix this problem#i believe in them#the baby playing with the Venom tendrils 20 seconds after being yeeted out a window by Carnage is peak comedy#and also speaks to how naturally they just latch onto the big goo#I'm pretty sure Mac made a few children cry but that's to be expected#'kita are you vague blogging about a certain video game again' MAYBE
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I really assumed that tears would make people care at least
#vent#svampp posts#I hate being able to recognize why im upset or something bad is happening to me#because people will always decide that because i know that and i know how i could fix it i have the ablity to#i went to my mom crying because no matter what i do#if im good at it people start assigning me new tasks#often times mandatory or essential to how the place im at runs or functions#but i never have time alone#i dont have time for things i enjoy unless i rigedly schedule them into my life#which takes away time for myself at all#and no matter what is going on for me my parents assume i will be and should be completely self sufficient#they know that isnt true and can speak like that but their actions do not align with it#i am required by expectation to do the emotional and physical labor of keeping my household together#and because of that requirement it becomes an expectation anywhere else i go#no one believes me when i say this is the most stressed Ive ever felt#because if you look at me or talk to me i seem fine#i cannot and will not cry Infront of people#im more talkative when I'm anxious#so either they think i enjoy it#or they prefer my actions that way#but i am exhausted of people telling me im doing fine and immediately contributing to the problem that is causing me to break
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I have got to make Ocean Waves about Sonic the hedgehog somehow
#i just be ramblin#i can hear the sea#Ocean waves#sonic the hedgehog#This is half motivated by my desire to fix that movie (it was good and given the subtext and the eh ending it could have been better)#And my active sonic hyperfixation#The problem is I'm a bit reluctant to make female character Rikako because it kind of feels slanderous#...unless I expect to give whoever I make Rikako a character arc at some point? That may not be bad
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fillinf out all the stupid forms and ordering a stupid transcript to explain to the stupid financial aid people that the reason I have so many stupid credits but am not in my stupid degree program yet is because they're stupid transfers from stupid OTHER college and stupid OTHER degrees and most of the stupid credits are not! actually! relevant! to my stupid CURRENT degree paths!
#quil's unholy underworld#just spent like an hour gathering and writing everything#just grumbling like. it's not MY fault ur system doesn't understand the complexity of my situation#yes I have 142 credit hours. yes i've only been here a year. no most of those credits weren't while on this degree paths#so NO i'm not cheating the system for financial aid#i've only been working on these two degrees! for ONE YEAR!#ignore the 112 transfer credits!#well. not ALL of them. but those are from my OTHER degrees!#my sociology and criminology and pre-law and other degrees are not relevant to my english and linguistics!#the thing is. I don't actually expect to get any financial aid. i didn't qualify last year. so i'm doing all of this for no money in the en#just to fix the system and because you're supposed to do it even if you get nothing#anyway. submitted everything. out of my hands once again#onto a different problem now. one with IT
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bit annoying when i try to ask for advice on, or talk about how i’m trying to be a little less color-in-the-lines, and instead i just get “oh but that’s so responsible and honestly smarter, i wish i could be like that” which is not the point. i don’t know how to have fun lol.
eating out twice a year might save me a bit of money but it does take up a lot of time to always cook at home, and there’s so many foods that i don’t even know about
#maybe im just phrasing it wrong. i feel like every time it gets interpreted as a humble brag or judgey when im just like#oh god is this not normal. is that why im depressed. how do i fix this. how do YOU live#discovering how limited my experiences are by learning how much exists outside of it yk#i dont need to be told that actually the best thing for me is to keep living in a way that makes me not want to be alive idk!!!#on paper yeah it’s the Responsible Practical way to live. however apparently most people dont live like that and the result is that#im way out of the loop. i literally am the john mulaney bit about sitting in a room eating saltines for 28 years#the problem is that we teach kids The Right And Proper Way to do things with the expectation that impulsive and impetuous Human Nature#will fill in the blanks and this advice is just a gentle course correction#unfortunately something is wrong with me and i am very good at tunnel vision and Only doing the things i am told#and even now that i'm an adult with (ostensibly) free will to do whatever i want#all i know is the correct answer on the standardized test. even if it's not the actual answer. do you understand#yeah yeah don’t trust how you feel about your life after 10 pm however i am in bed and my journal is too far away#this should be my new tag for this kinda shit lmfao
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...
#trying /really really hard/ not to let the overuse of terms such as 'secular' bug me here at school#but honestly I'm starting to get annoyed with it :')#ugh dear Lord I am trying SO HARD not to be argumentative and annoying and avoid my real problems in life by being snarky and unteachable#but it is HARD SOMETIMES LOL#bc I really want to argue#I really need the energy release it provides#even when I don't really care about the subject being argued about#college complaining#I think I'm using a different tag by accident every time lol#I'm trying so hard to grow up and put away childish things but I'm feeling so worn out. the problems aren't fixed.#and venting on tumblr isn't fixing it but I don't want to ask to schedule another appointment with my councilor bc I know it costs a lot#and I don't want to burden anyone here at school with my problems. that's self-seeking isn't it? and it's not fair to expect other people t#fix my problems.#I should turn to Christ alone since He should be enough for me. right?#I don't know and I hope I'm not being rude or blasphemous but I'm tired some of the depression/anxiety symptoms are showing up again#and I don't want to go back to shaking in fear and not being able to get out of bed for days in a row
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computer tell me how do i love one parent who cheated on the other computer help
#the only person i know in this situation hates her dad and always will#i thought i'd at least avoid that scenario#i was so firmly of the belief that neither of them did anything wrong#that's wrong on both sides of course#just not how i expected#she was taking photos of my brother on christmas day a few years ago#and sending them to this man#whilst my dad was in the same room#ALLEGEDLY#not taking his word as fact anymore but i do believe it#since she said i'd hate her after finding out#AAAAAAAAAAAAAA#‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️#HELPPPPP#that's my MUM#who i love SO much#i'm so lucky to have her#but she's done this to my dad#so ????????????#what happens now PLEASE im about to start praying or something#jk i wouldnt i'll just listen to ghost for that fix but howwwwwww#do i continue#this is not a genuine question to any actual person sorry just ranting here because idk what else to do#should make some kind of tag#tw vent#i guess#for blocking#this is way too much to mention to any friend and its not like i can talk to my mum about my problems FJNFKFNFJ
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Hi this is a vent post! Continue scrolling if you'd rather not see that
#Giving time...#Still more time...#Wouldn't want to plague any previews#Maybe another filler. Just for some fun#Is this enough?#It certainly is now#Alright start:#I'm so bored. I am so incredibly; intrinsically; entirely bored. I have been taught the same thing for four years straight#'It's only four years!' that's literally a quarter of my lifetime right there. My formative years are being spent stressed and in a state /#/of constant self-loathing#I was watching a YT video and the phrase 'attention-starved STEM major' came up and I was like. Yea#What am I even working towards? The hope that my version of capitalist hell isn't as bad as everyone else's? I'm just so sick of not /#/having a stable future what with politics and normal working people becoming more and more oppressed#I don't want to work and that's not because I'm lazy. It's because my brain is recognising that there is no reward anymore#I used to have such a little spark in Yr7. I remember having things to say and wanting to share everything I've done#I still do that now; sure I do. I don't enjoy it though#I thought I liked drawing but I'm realising that all I really like is the attention. I COULD draw things I like drawing... but then I /#/ don't get attention which my mind then classifies as zero reward#I'm very tired of doing things for no credit; reward; or validation. This is becoming a theme#Then I wonder what I'm doing wrong. What part of the algorithm am I not hitting. Then I realise that I'm just not marketable in a way#God. I'm seriously breaking rn. It's not even only because of GCSEs#It's just a culmination of doing all these things to be told that I am unworthy of Having as a result. It doesn't matter if I'm smart; my /#/ parents still don't own their house and can't afford to pay for heating most days#Literally what am I doing this for#And then I realise that all of this is ALSO attention-seeking behaviour! I'm my own worst problem; I recognise exactly what's wrong with /#/ myself but the body wants what it wants. And what it wants is validation that I'm not going to get in this life#Hi guys! Maybe don't interact. That could fix me#Wean me off of needing virtual numbers just to feel something. Jesus#I can't even be happy with the things that I make for myself. Because I make nothing for myself anymore#It's just a whole sad existence of an expected 12hr+ of school every day until I get a job I guess. Then it's 12hr+ of job every day until
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just realized my fatal flaw and the great struggle of possibly the rest of my life. while watching a cdrama.
#a sock speaks#local construction#fundamentally I lack the confidence needed to be a writer or a teacher#on the one hand I can't brazen my way out of this by pretending to be confident. I need to actually have the knowledge and skills I claim.#on the other hand I can't just say I'll be confident once I have more knowledge and experience. I have a master's degree!#I want to get more school but more school on its own will not fix this#I've let opportunities pass by because I was depressed. I didn't see how I could be enough for them.#or I was too tired (because I was depressed)#but sometimes it's bc I'm not sure if trying would make things better or worse (that one's on the OCD more than depression)#it makes sense that I lack confidence because of inexperience. but I can only gain experience by going for it. doing things badly is good.#it makes sense that I'm scared to face criticism. I've faced my whole community against me.#I've been stuck at someone's house debating scripture for hours with a migraine and no food. I think that was mildly traumatic for me.#but in most cases I am physically safe and the physical fear is irrational. I can work on this with some gentle exposure therapy.#but I need to bring together the effort to organize my thoughts and the bravado to hold my ground in an argument#and I can only build up this confidence with practice. I need to write. I need to do public speaking.#I'd need a platform for speaking (I'd hate to do a podcast or vlog but it'd be good for me)#but I should write! why am I not writing more? I need to write. writing is the way forward#several years ago I was in such deep despair with life that in order to survive I told myself#that I just had to survive. I didn't have to achieve anything or prove myself in any way as long as I stayed alive#and I went to grad school in Georgia not because I saw a path to a career in biblical studies but because school made me want to be alive#(extremely bizarre case of grad school not being the problem. I know.)#I know I missed a lot of benefits I could've had if I'd been mentally healthy when I went. but it's okay because it kept me going#I can go back to school or not go back. do biblical studies or do something else. I don't have big expectations for myself#but as my mental health improves it occurs to me that I COULD do more if only I believed it was worth the effort#I don't need to fear failure when the alternative was not even attempting it#I need to write. I need to write. I need to write.#I'm thinking I might start a newsletter or blog or something. some Bible stuff and some church/social commentary. just kind of open ended.
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ヮ_ヮ [<- the Creature of Solitude]
#just me hi#can i be left alone. for like. 48 hours hghghf#it would fix at least 2 of my problems lol#before we moved i spent a lot of time alone just drawing or daydreaming. and now. i'm going to explode hfhsh#it's not that i don't like interacting with people but i need to stop hearing every human voice i can't turn off or down Now or a crime is#On the horizon lmao . w .#ughh.. [rolls into a wall and forms myself perfectly into the corner that joins the wall and floor]#/okay i turned on my music and i'm mostly fine now hfbvhafhvjsfjv#i think i just need to be in control of what i'm hearing and how much. or i'll Dieeeeee ouHhhhhh [flails dramatically]#//anywho i think one of the greatest of little joys has to be something updating lol :>#if it's on a reliable schedule? i am laying down my life for it hghfsh#updates randomly and when you don't expect? the surprises!! :D#/storing every kind of story i've heard in my brain cabinets. sometimes the moths get them but aside from that.. :3#//speaking of i wanna work on pi.e....#there's some pretty important stuff i've gotta figure out (gggoggoughhhhrhhhhh [<- pre-game dying]) and then ye :D#i've been thinking about making a language for it cuz wellll [wellll gesture]#//anyway going to read this story now... yippeee :DD#ciao ciao ~+~ :33
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Would I be a calmer person if I was willing to dnf a book? Undoubtedly. But then I wouldn't get to deconstruct exactly what I don't like about the book for my own learning process, and I would lose out on some prime kvetching, so I think it levels out.
#I'm like 70 percent of the way into this book and I am GOING TO FUCKING FINISH IT DAMMIT#it's increasingly annoying me cuz it will sorta go in a direction that seems like it might fix some of my problems with it but then it fails#and I think it's fundamentally cuz like. why are you expecting me to remember what the fucking heart indexes you're referencing are#while also explaining photons and carbon to me like I'm five#tbh the personified science concept chapters are the MOST annoying to me#cuz there has been one human narrator in this book that actually felt like they had a voice#and that person fucking DIED first of all (for no reason which would've been WHATEVER IF HE HADN'T ALSO BEEN THE STRONGEST NARRATOR)#and then these personified science chapters have at least some distinction in terms of voice#but the more there are the more annoyed I get about how LITTLE voice anyone else has#like why do Mary and Frank's chapters read the same as Janus Athena's meeting minutes. what the fuck bro.#anyway I'm an aggressive completionist and i am not giving up but I'm mad about it#megs is reading
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For reloaded, i was thinking of having marcy released from the core early, but it has a mental link with her. That way i can have both marcy and darcy, with the latter acting as a devil on Marcy’s shoulder.
The idea could work really well, and it has the potential to fix the issues with both characters having been underutilized without having either one of them take away from the other. Plus one of my overall issues with the finale was just how meaningless Marcy's actions were in terms of escaping (or at the very least combatting), the situation that she had been thrown into. And come to think of it I figure we have pretty similar opinions regarding that so I'm just going to stop right here. Basically I feel it could be a good development in contracting that issue.
Overall what I'm saying is I like it. Plus that dynamic is always interesting to see written out.
Though for curiosities sake, would Darcy be presented more as the singular embodiment of the core or as the entire collective each displaying their own opinion? (I'm... not sure that wording made any sense, but I could not find a better alternative).
#I just had the image of Marcy walking around with a tiny Darcy on her shoulder#and I felt the need to share because it was just funny#actually might draw that later.#my other alternative to fixing that problem was adjusting how the Hardest Thing went about#but that was more of a quick fix within the span of the show and since you're extending it anyway this is the better idea.#actually it's close to what I'm doing for my TOH AU in a horribly roundabout way.#also apologies that this ran so long my ADHD has been functioning approximately how one would expect it to#There used to be an entire tangent about Andrias and the Hardest Thing though both of which were removed#so improvement?
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