#Also feel free to use it if a funny moment presents itself

[royalarchivist]

Turned the Judgemental Cucurucho Stare into a gif because it made me laugh too much.

Bonus version:

[perfectprofessorloverapricot]

•| A not so stolen youth |•

Stranger things / chapter 3

Summary: Everything in life seemed limited to walls of whites and rainbows. Caged within the confines of the lab. But an accident that involved a group of teenagers and the upside down world finally let him free. In a funny turn of events he found himself hiding in a step sibling's shed. A redhead that loves video games and a blond that spends his time making sure to keep his good looks.

Character: Male child OC

Warnings: Possible to descriptive scenes, child abuse, use of drugs and bad language.

A/N: I ask you to take into account that I lack experience writing in English and there'll be some grammatical mistakes because my native language is Spanish.

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It was early in the morning, every kid was either at school or at home because they’re sick. All except for one.

Thirteen walked with tranquility through the groups of trees scattered all over the town. He found that the only onces that walked there were a few really young kids, other than that, the coast is completely clear.

But what is not completely clear is his mind. The day before he saw something that brought back awful memories. He found out, his father is not the only man like that in the world and he isn’t the only one like him out there. He would like to say that he doesn’t understand Billy completely, but he does.

The teenage has moments of calmness when he usually keeps to himself or even glances at him as if inspecting his soul, and moments of complete chaos when he is hostile against anything and anyone near him.

Billy was angry at his father, that much was evident, but he couldn’t do a thing because he knew it was useless. That was a feeling he could relate a little bit to well.

It happened too often to him in the lab. Loosing his papa’s respect brought a lot of punishment with it and answering it only left him in pain. His only solution was to hold back and resist. But that led to future explosions where he sent his guards flying or breaking an entire room with a scream.

He was labeled as dangerous and forced to stay isolated.

He was thinking of ways to help make him feel better but nothing came to mind other than a present.

But what?

Or maybe, some company? That’s what he wanted when he was in the lab. Maybe that’s what Billy needs at home.

Before he could think about other options, his senses detected something. He heard a pair of soft footsteps quite some distance further in front of him but instead of dreading to find the person a familiar feeling made itself present in the back of his mind. He waited.

As silent as ever, he walked cautiously towards the sound.

Both kids that found themselves in front of one another gasped in surprise. They know each other.

The curly haired girl smiled at the boy receiving a smile in return.

“Eleven.” Whispered the boy, walking closer to her.

“Thirteen.” Once close enough they engulfed each other in a big hug, giggling, happy to realize they both basically survived.

The kids pulled away, still connected by their arms, smiling like no other day.

They had so much to talk about.

“-and then, she taught how to skateboard.” Commented the boy with glee.

They have been talking for about an hour about what’s happened the last year after escaping the lab and getting in contact with the upside down. So far, everything’s been peaceful.

He was happy to know that she was also taken care off by a good guy, even though she puts a kind of weird expression when she mentions him, she stills seems to trust him a lot too.

“But…” he made a pause and sunk in the log they were both seating at the reminder of what happened a few hours ago. “Her papa…” he turned his eyes from his joined hands to the attentive look of eleven. “He is like our papa.”

Eleven gasped softly at the revelation.

“She and Billy hide me.” His lips curved a little at the sides. He always gets a warm and fluffy feeling in his chest at the reminder of people that care about his safety. “She gave me clothes.” He gripped the fabric of the blue hoodie in his chest. The same that keeps his body heat from escaping. “And a name. Magnus.”

Eleven gave him a close-lipped smile. They don’t know each other as well as she would like too because they were separated in the lab. They met only after the rest of the kids disappeared and their father needed more power to connect with the unknown world. But couldn’t interact that much in a friendly way under the scrutinizing eyes of their handlers. He always wore a frown accompanied with tired eyes. So she is happy to see him finally smile, even in the slightest.

“And you?” He asked, giving her the opportunity to express something that might be bothering her.

“Hopper is good.” She nodded. “But he lies.” The kid raised his eyebrows in surprise. “He says, one day I’ll leave to see my friends but that never happens. He promised soon, but soon never comes.”

Thirteen lowered his head in sadness. He knows that feeling, or he knew, before living with his only friend.

“He says it’s dangerous, that it’s for my protection.” The kid wrapped an arm around her in a side hug to comfort her.

In moments like that he wished he was more like magneto and fight for their freedom.

But he couldn’t, he was just a kid after all. All he could do was make her aware that she’s not alone.

A certain blonde haired teenage boy was currently tightening a screw on the engine of his blue baby Camaro.

He was finishing changing the air filter. After what happened the day before with his father he has been looking for ways to release some pent-up pressure. He already said goodbye to his last hook up an hour ago, he doesn’t know where Max is because she was late and he left her to skate home alone and he already worked out in the living room but nothing seemed to make his anger decrease.

Billy huffed once he was finished, cleaning the sweat in his forehead with the back of his dirtied hand. It wasn’t enough but that’ll have to do.

“Jesus.” Exclaimed the blond once he turned around and found the boy behind him, startling him. Weirdly attentive to what he was doing. “What the hell are you doing there? Are you a creep?” He asked with annoyance. He had almost sent the tool in his hand flying.

The kid just kept looking at him and the car with his big blue eyes and shrugged. He didn’t know what ‘creep’ means.

Billy raised a brow at the look of wonder in the kids face. He has seen it a few times before, directed to him, like trying to figure him out, which makes him edgy, but this time it was directed more to his car. “Never seen a car before?” He asked mockingly.

Unknown to him, the first time the boy saw a car was when he escaped from the lab. Ever since that day, the younger one has been greatly interested in the weird machines that roll faster than any adult he has ever seen runs.

Billy furrowed his brows when the only answer he got was the kid leaning his head to the side, still looking at the car.

Was he really that stupid? No, he couldn’t be. They would have already found him if that was the case, but he would have to live under a rock to not know what a car is.

“What, cat got your tongue, brat?” Thirteen shook his head and stick his tongue out to demostrarte it was still there making Billy huffed and turned to his car.

What a weird kid.

He grabbed the car’s hood and slam it shut to make sure it was closed.

“Cool.” Alluded the boy walking closer to the drivers side.

“What?” Thirteen glanced at Billy for a moment before returning to the inside of the vehicle repeating his word.

“Cool.” He is not completely sure if his using correctly the word Max taught him. ‘A word to describe something that’s better than amazing.’ Is what she said, and that is exactly what he thinks about the car.

“Huh, at least you have taste.” Said Billy as he wiped his hands in a towel he had hanging from his short’s waistband. Until he got an idea. Something that would help him destress and he used to do it a lot in California. “Hey brat.”

Thirteen turned towards Billy, not knowing what ‘brat’ means but understanding he wanted his attention. He blinked a few times, watching the weird look in the teenager’s eyes. He had an idea.

Billy would never in his life know what led him to do what he did, but the next thing he knows, he is driving top speed in one of the many lonely roads in the outer sides of Hawkins with the kid in the copilot seat. He loves to use the backroads.

He thought the kid would be scared shitless, however, the kid was grasping the seatbelt like his life depends on it (because it does) with the biggest smile Billy has ever seen.

But he doesn’t care that the kid didn’t get scared he was too concentrated in the adrenaline coursing through his veins at the speed to actually pay attention. He didn’t even light the cigarette between his lips because it wasn’t needed.

Billy whooped in ecstasy and bobbed along the surprisingly not so loud music. It was more important the roar of the engine than the beat coming from the stereo.

“That’s what I’m talking about.” Cheered Billy with his always sharp smile.

But that wasn’t the best part, he was waiting for the right moment to put his car modifications to the test. In a way he couldn’t in the crowded city of California.

His smile widened when he saw what he was looking for. A wide straight doble lane road.

It’s show time.

He stepped on the break and pulled the hand brake simultaneously, then turned the wheel completely to one side in a second. The car instantly followed the action, turning with so much force skidding the tires in the street. Making a U turn by drifting.

Billy laughed loudly while the kid beside him screamed for his life. The wheels scraped the floor until the vehicle came to a stop in the other side of the road. Facing the opposite direction.

Not waiting for anything, he pushed the hand break back down and step on the gas. The wheels screeched against the ground, leaving marks, before moving at full speed back to the house.

At the speed he was driving it only took him 10 minutes to arrive.

He got out of the car after killing the engine and lit the cigarette between his lips, taking a drag as if it was pure oxygen he was inhaling. Finally he felt a little bit better.

So lost in his relief he didn’t pay attention to the passenger in his car. He only turned his head back when he heard a thud. He found the passenger seat empty and the door opened. He huffed thinking the kid just left without closing the door but he stop when he went around the car and found the kid basically face planted in the dirt while giggling.

Billy scoffed a laugh almost sending the cigarette in mouth flying. He was positive the kid was high with adrenaline. He saw the kid try to stand up in his jelly legs only to fall on his side.

“What the hell?” Billy didn’t need to turn around to know who that was. He merely rolled his eyes when the redhead rushed by him to get to the kid. “What did you do to him?” She asked when the kid tried to stand up again with her help but stumbled to the side like he was drunk. She got even more confused when she heard him giggle.

“I fixed your damn brat.” He grumbled taking a drag of his cigarette before throwing it to the ground and returning to the house. He wanted to take a shower.

Max looked between the retreating back of her step brother and the kid seating in the dirt with a big smile in his face.

Could it be possible that Billy changed his mind?

No, that is not something Billy could ever do.

But either way, she was relieved that he was at least tolerating the kid’s presence.

If Max thought they had made a progress with Billy after the ride he had with Magnus. She was wrong.

The very next day his anger returned when he saw her talking to Lucas. There was no problem with that, she didn’t plan to be part of their club of hypocrites anyway.

Well, that was her plan, until the very next day she wanted to go to the arcade to play dig dug and forget everything only to be tricked in to the breakroom by Lucas himself. They argued about the veracity of the fanciful story Lucas told her ensuring that it was the truth.

Leaving the arcade Billy saw him at the door. At first he acted eerily calm while accusing her of disobeying and lying. But a silent threat was made evident later in the afternoon when Billy broke her skateboard when reversing in his car.

It was his way of telling her he could ‘accidentally’ break something without a problem.

He became a ticking time bomb and she didn’t want to be there to see it explode because she would be the collateral damage, and possibly with her, Magnus too. Even though he has mostly ignored the kid in the last days, it was obvious the anger he was holding in.

Taking every posible outcome Max took a decision. She’ll go back to Cali to her father and she’ll take Magnus with her.

The kid already had a new name, and no one will be looking for a kid in another city, miles away from were he was.

That’s how she found herself in this position. Fidgeting with her fingers inside her hoodie pockets, feeling the money between her fingers and watching attentively at Magnus sitting in her bed and messing with her Walkman.

She got the money by telling her mother that she wanted to buy a new shirt but she wanted the money to buy it herself and avoid any kind of harsh comments from Neil if she went with them to the mall in the neighboring town. Her mother, illusioned with the possibility of her daughter buying something more feminine, gladly gave her double the money she needed to buy the shirt. She thanked the heavens her mother did because she forgot the amount of money it’ll cost to buy two bus tickets.

She forgot a slight detail. The distance between her and her father was much more now that she is in Hawkins than when she was in Cali, and the tickets would be more expensive.

She already prepared two bags with things for her and Magnus. In that precise moment she has the perfect opportunity to leave with him. Her parents aren’t home and they’ll come back until night and Billy was too busy working on his muscles for his next hook up of the night to notice.

Gaining some courage Max sat next to the kid in her bed. She took a breath and spoke. “Mag-“

She was interrupted by the sound of the doorbell, someone calling at the door.

The kid raised his head, looking between Max and the bedroom’s closed door. He was to concentrated on the Walkman that he didn’t pay attention to the footsteps at the front door. It’s not like Billy’s blasting music trough the house helped at all.

He was already used to the volume of the music, but hearing it with the door open still hurt his head. At least the wood helps to drown out the sound. But he was still relieved that it’s not as loud as the alarms in the lab. That was a real headache.

He jumped from the bed when doorbell sounded again. He needed to hide. He turned to the window but stopped, if the person in the door somehow comes to the backside of the house he’ll be screwed. He turned to the bed. He doesn’t fit under it. As his last and only option, the kid threw himself inside the closet and closed the door, always leaving a crack to let the light come inside.

Max pressed her lips together trying to suppress a laugh. For a moment he looked like a headless chicken.

Her poorly covered smile disappeared when she heard her stepbrother yell at the next ring. “Max, are you getting that or what?”

Exasperated with him she yelled her answered “Okay.” She opened stood up stomping her way out of the room, closing the door behind her

“I swear to God Max.” Fumed the blond getting an eye roll and a glare from his sister when she walked by him. He just proceeded to lift the weights again.

From the closet, Magnus could slightly hear the door opening and closing over the music, along with Max’s voice from the other side of the door, indicating that now she was outside with whoever was at the door. He couldn’t tell what they were talking about because the music muffled their voices.

He waited for a moment, relieved that Max at least sounded like she knew the person outside. He was also aware that it wasn’t Neil, he could have heard his truck parking or his gruff voice booming in the house.

He waited a little while until she finally came back, closing the door behind her. She turned to Magnus watching the window in wariness. She knew why. Lucas was outside of the window. “Magnus.” She called for his attention.

He turned to her, blinking a few times.

“I… ammm.” She fidget in her place looking for the words to say. She didn’t know why she was so nervous, she just made up her mind and decided she’ll find out what’s really happening with Lucas and his group because deep down she still wishes to have friends. “I’ll live with the stalker for a few hours. He says he has proof or something.”

“Where?” Came the silent question from the kid. Max almost didn’t hear it with Billy’s blasting music coming through the door.

“To the old junkyard.” Magnus lifted a brown and tilted his head slightly to the side. There was nothing in there other than trash and forgotten stuff. Nevertheless, he nodded, understanding that she is going there like really few other teenagers do. “Okay, then. I’ll be back.” She said, making the reference of the terminator movie even though Magnus didn’t catch it.

She turned to one of the two opened windows. The one closest to the bed. She stepped on the woodshed outside before stopping and turning to Magnus who was seating in her closet.

“Don’t talk with Billy if he doesn’t talk to you, by the way. He’s not in the mood and can get cranky.” Magnus smiled at the thought but nodded again.

Don’t talk to Billy. Copy.

Max said a soft goodbye before exiting when she heard the boy outside telling her to speed up. He even heard her commenting that whatever they were doing better be worth it.

Minutes later after she left, Magnus stayed in her closet. He was to engrossed in the Walkman she borrowed him.

The interest came when he returned from the store he likes to visit (steal from) with a cassette tape he found behind the garbage dump.

He put on the headphones and changed the tapes the way Max instructed him to. He pressed play instantly jumping in his place and accidentally trowing the headphones. The volume was too high. Even with the headphones in the floor he could hear it clearly.

He decreased the volume to the minimum before putting the headphones back on. The rhythm of the music was somewhat similar to the songs Billy hears when exercising but not as scandalous. He turned the Walkman over to see the tape through the see through cover. The letters in the side said ‘Call Me by blondie’ and something else he couldn’t read due to the blurred sharpie. He likes it though.

He bobbed his head to the rhythm of the music, not caring that he could hear Billy’s music through the headphones. He liked it. He found his taste in music.

Still moving his head to the beat, he stood up and walked to the window farthest from the bed. He sat on the window sill dangling his feet for a couple of second before jumping out. He looked at the full woodshed beside him before returning to the shed. Walkman in hand.

He’ll wait for Max in there.

It’s been a few hours and Max still hasn’t retuned. Magnus got bored since he doesn’t know where Max’s tapes are and he can’t read so well, so he decided to steal an apple from the Hargroves’ fridge.

Meanwhile, the blond teenager was done exercising, taking a shower and currently sharpening his look before his date (hook up). He sprayed hair product in the hair locks that fell on his forehead. Turning over the bottle of colon, he spread a few drops of the liquid in his wrist, even going as far as to spread a little bit in the southern area.

He turned and posed in front of the mirror, smiling with satisfaction at the result. Taking a drag from his previously lit cigarette he leaned forward and blew the smoke against his reflexión, winking. Yep, he was ready.

His smile was erased once he heard someone calling at the door. He noticed the rush in the knock even over his blasting music. “Billy?” He knew that voice. The reason for witch his father decided it was a good idea to move.

Kind of.

“Yeah, I’m a little bit busy in here, Susan.” He answered uninterestedly.

“Open the door. Right now.” He mentally cursed when he heard his father’s commanding voice in the other side. There was no way around this.

Genuinely curious he finally opened the door finding his father frowning face and the always present worried face of Susan shielding herself behind the man.

“What’s wrong?” He cut to the chase.

Neil wasn’t at all impressed by his son’s bluntness. “Why don’t you tell us?”

“Because I don’t know.” He answered with obviousness in his tone. They just appeared in his door insinuating something that he isn’t aware of and yet, he is not surprised. Everything that goes wrong for Neil is always somehow his fault. No matter what.

“We can’t find Maxine-” Said Susan.

“And her window’s open.” Interrupted the man like the boss that he believes himself. Billy faltered for a second, looking in another direction before regaining himself. Even he was surprised. She was in her room with the brat a few hours ago. “Where is she?” Commanded Neil.

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?” Scoffed the Man like his son was the worst dumbass in the world, annoying the younger.

“Look, I’m sure she just, I don’t know, went to the arcade or something.” Explained Billy, still not finding the force in his voice, kicking himself for it, and panicking internally. To avoid looking at the rising anger in his father eyes he went to the closet to retrieve his previously selected leather jacket. “I’m sure she is fine.”

Nike wasn’t having any of it. “You were supposed to watch her.” He commented, like he was just making an obvious observation.

Billy could clearly hear the covered anger under those words. But he couldn’t stop himself from arguing. He was getting annoyed.

He sighed. “I know dad. I was. It’s just you guys were three hours late, and, well, I have a date.” He slipped on the jacket and turned towards the man ready to face it and just leave. “I’m sorry, okay?”

“So that’s why you’ve been staring at yourself in the mirror like some faggot instead of watching your sister?”

That did it.

“I have been looking after her all week, dad. Okay?” He snapped. “She wants to run off, then that’s her problem, all right?” Neil licked the interior of his cheek, concealing his anger with an eerie façade. “She’s 13 years old. She shouldn’t need a full-time babysitter. And she is not my sister.” He turned to the radio. Stopping the music abruptly only to feel his heart drop to his stomach when Neil grabbed him by the colar of his shirt and slammed him against the shelves beside the closet.

“What did we talk about?” Asked Neil in a condescending tone. Practically whispering it in Billy’s face.

The teenager panted in anger and fear. He couldn’t answer fast enough when Neil slapped him in his left cheek, making him groan.

Susan, who once again couldn’t leave the scenario only looked the other way, feeling guilty for putting him in that situation but not doing anything fearing she could be in his position.

Neil grabbed Billy’s chin to force him to look at him before pointing with the same hand. “What. Did. We… talked about?” He made emphasis in each word.

“Respect and responsibility.”

“That is right.” Answered the man, pleased to have him under control once again. “Now, apologies to Susan.”

There was silence for a few seconds. Neil waiting for Billy while the blonde swallowed his pride and fear. “I’m sorry, Susan.” He said, never tacking his eyes from his father’s.

“It’s okay, Neil, really-“ she was interrupted when the man once again rises his voice.

“No, it’s not okay. Nothing about his behavior is okay. But he’s gonna make up for it.” He grumbled the last part. He finally stepped back to turn to look at Susan. “He’s gonna call whatever whore he’s seeing tonight and cancel their date.” He said as if it was the most normal thing to say. “And then he’s gonna go find his sister. Like the good, kind, respecting brother that he is.” He turned once again to his son, already finished with the humiliation. “Isn’t that right, Billy?”

Billy looked at his father with watery eyes hiding all that hate and anger he harbors towards the man. If only he could make him pay or just leave.

“It’s that right?” Yelled Neil when his first answer was only silence.

“Yes, sir.” He said softly.

Neil sighted in annoyance, leaning closer to his son. “I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you.”

“Yes. Sir.” He repeated. This time with more courage.

“Find max.” Demanded Neil with finality turning around and leaving the room, intimidating Susan enough for her to step away from his way.

Billy finally let the tears spill once the door was slammed close and hit the wall beside him. He hated him with all his being. He wanted to fight back, punch him or something, but the last time he tried to do it didn’t end well for him.

Sucking his feelings up and drying his tears, he left his room to the back of the house. He thanked the heavens he parked the car in the back really close to were he needs to go. The shed.

Faster than he thought, Billy reached the wooden door and gentler than he wanted to, he opened the door (still slamming it open). “Hey, brat.” He grumbled once inside.

Magnus raised his head looking at him with wide eyes. He knew it was Billy the one walking (stomping) towards the shed. But it still surprised him when the teenage barged in the shed and called for his attention, loudly.

Billy opened his mouth about to yell but stopped. He didn’t want to scare the kid that looked like a frightened rabbit ready to bolt and end up running around like a headless chicken looking for Max for scaring him, or for his father to find him hiding a kid in the shed and get his butt kicked.

Instead he took a breath before talking. “Where’s Max?”

The answer he got was the kid blinking in bewilderment hugging a comic to his chest.

“Ugh, for fucks…” he mumbled under his breath. “Do you know where is Max?” He repeated in a gentler voice, clearly containing his annoyance.

Magnus nodded his head slowly. Max told him to not talk to Billy if he didn’t speak to him first, she didn’t say anything about not telling him where she is.

Billy raised his eyebrows expectantly. “Okay, and?”

“The old junkyard.” He answered softly.

Damn. Now he is in trouble. He doesn’t know where that is. He slightly fidgeted in his place. “Do you know how to get there?”

Magnus nodded a slowly, still with the comic in his hands.

“Okay, then get in the car.”

Magnus instantly light up. He didn’t care that Billy used a commanding voice, he was just happy to get a raid again.

The kid quickly rushed out of the shed as silent as a mouse with an annoyed teenager following him.

Billy was already donde for the night, but unfortunately and unknown for him, it would be the longest and most eventful life of his entire life.

Hope you like the new rout I’m taking with this story.

[hazshit-hotel-hater]

The way substance abuse has been handled on the show thus far genuinely upsets me and reeks of writers who either 1.) don't understand the subject matter they're presenting and haven't done even the bare minimum to research it or, worse, 2.) simply don't care.

Apologies for the slight rant incoming, your comment about how it has been mostly "handled" off-screen got me going because that's 100% true and in that truth is such a missed opportunity for the show. The way it has been handled winds up feeling incredibly shallow and juvenile at the end of the day, especially for a piece of media that is attempting to present itself as "adult" and navigate multiple incredibly sensitive topics. I'll try not to get into my own personal experiences and will speak broadly, but the show uses substance abuse more as a cheap character flaw to poke fun at or something to magically handwave away when it is inconvenient, rather than the life-altering, debilitating illness that it is.

Nothing about Angel's use is ever meaningfully explored. It's so (apparently) unimportant to his arc and development that one rude comment from Husk (a character who ALSO has a problem with gambling and alcohol that is never addressed) is all it takes for him to suddenly "resist temptation" and be shown as "recovered" (unless I'm misremembering). Or was he suddenly going to counseling off-screen too and its just another thing that will be told to us rather than shown? And how does Charlie even handle that at the Hotel (I'd be really interested in this as a moment for her character to have to grow/change too)? Does she even understand substance abuse and the many unaddressed systemic factors that can influence it? Or is the entire recovery process just shame based (because that works so well /s) combined with some more corny trust exercises? Why is this incredibly serious topic relegated to the background as if it's unimportant?

Recovery is hard. It is emotional and exhausting. Withdrawal (depending on what you're coming off of) can sometimes mean excruciating, unimaginable pain and in some cases people literally die. It is not a funny "ha-ha I take drugs because I'm chaotic and wild" quirk to be adored or glorified and it definitely should not be presented as something that can be wrapped up in a month or two off-screen without any development whatsoever. That's just insulting.

When you approach a topic like substance abuse and recovery, I personally feel you need to take in all sides of it. All the missteps that come with it (two steps forward one step back - mistakes are expected and okay), the self-loathing, the guilt and shame, the joy, the sense of freedom, the loss, and the best part of all: the incredibly difficult but liberating journey that is rebuilding your life and learning to love yourself and your body again, once you've chosen to be free and to live life.

Mad props to anyone who has ever battled this disease. You are strong, you are worth it and you are valued. Lol I am so sorry for going off here but I so appreciate you calling out the lack of exploration on this topic in the show. I guess I didn't even realize how annoyed and upset it was making me feel (praying this is coherent...).

This was absolutely coherent don’t worry!! Im really glad to see other people talking about this. I myself have not struggled with drug addiction but I have struggled with other kinds and as someone that studies a bunch of medical junk, I’d say I’m decently knowledgeable.

I’m mainly going to focus on Angel for this since he’s the main character I write for, but I assure you other characters addictions are also handled in my rewrite.

During the actual canon show, we don’t see Angel actually abusing substances that often; there’s a few times, most notably in episode 4, but from the rest of the show onward we hardly see anything. Yes in episode 6 they mentioned relapsing, which, mind you, was done horribly, but I digress. They touch on relapsing; Angel relapses, and then… what..??? What happened from that? I don’t feel upset or second hand guilt of any kind from this scene because we haven’t seen Angel’s attempts to stay sobre and off drugs.

His name is fucking Angel Dust. You don’t, I dunno, think that’d entail a higher dependency on drugs? Why do you think he named himself that?

About his name before anything else, the show has so much potential later on to talk about Angel picking out his drag name and why he chose that specifically. So much potential to explore how he views drugs and himself. He sees them as an escape and something “fun” to take his mind off of his actual life. When you die in a fucking coma and wake up in hell as a spider you’re going to want an escape. You will want to ignore reality. I am fully convinced Angel picked his name once he started performing because thats what he needed at the time. He needs to be like that to survive in hell. Angel is an incredibly mentally ill, troubled, traumatised, and unstable person, and being surrounded by so much intense negative influence only amplifies his current problems. I don’t mean to drag Vox in here but in my last redesign post I mentioned how very mildly bad people can become even worse people in hell because of the environment and this is no different for Angel. He’s been surrounded by crime and drugs his entire life and unable to live comfortably because of his sexuality. He has very likely been struggling with substances since he was a teen. Possibly even younger. He is not going to suddenly get over his addiction because of something like this. It could pave the way to him looking into dealing with it, but things like this can take years. I don’t remember when my addiction started; I’ve been clean for 2 1/2 years now I think, but the amount of relapsing and anguish I experienced while working towards that isn’t something that can be done in a few days or months. I still struggle with feeling like I deserve to say I’m recovering.

I’m hoping they tactfully handle this as they should, but my hopes are low. It’s okay to show a character relapsing. It’s okay to show a character feeling guilty. What matters is that the struggle is there to signify they’re trying. For a character with a song called “Addict” you really don’t see much of it. Drug and alcohol addiction is not a silly thing to just twiddle your fingers with and be like “well I guess thats over!” It’s incredibly insensitive to do so.

Whenever I write about Angel’s struggles with addictions, I focus on how small they can feel until you realise what’s actually happening. Just me talking about my rewrite again, but to get my ideas out here: Angel smokes often. He smokes at the studio when he’s stressed, he smokes at the hotel when he’s stressed, he smokes at in alleyways when he’s bored, there’s almost no location he won’t, but sometimes he tries to smoke less. His lungs aren’t the same as humans and technically he has 2 pairs of lungs, but smoking causes him to cough. This is painful in general and especially painful for Angel since he has barbs going down the back of his throat. Imagine choking on sandpaper, kind of like that. It’s painful, he doesn’t like the sound, Fat Nuggets REALLY doesn’t like the sound, and it’s an overall inconvenience, so he tries to stop smoking as much. Periods like this usually go fine for him until the stress returns or he starts to feel the withdrawal. Withdrawal from any sort of addiction is terrible, and in Angel’s case, just from not smoking it worsens his mental state further. He becomes irritable and stressed and that stress leads to wanting to smoke again to calm down. He may resist a few times and those times should be praised, but he gives in eventually. One cigarette to calm down becomes two, then three, and before he can process himself getting carried away, the entire pack is gone. It’s things like this that make addiction horrible. It’s something that deeply scared me when I was struggling. When I was struggling I was still in the mindset of “I can stop when I want to” and then being so suddenly hit in the face with the realisation that I’m not longer in control of this is terrifying. I could not stop when I wanted to. There were even points where I didn’t want to stop. Even just getting the smallest glimpse of this in an incredibly serious manner with Angel Dust would surprise me. To think the bar is this low on a show that seemingly prides itself on tackling such sensitive topics like you said is appalling. Your show shouldn’t have to be told how to write itself.

[eilinelsghost]

Hi! This is very random but I was wondering what made you decide to structure Atandil as a series of interconnected one-shots instead of as a longfic? I really love the way you weave back and forth between timelines – was the non-linear narrative the main appeal for you? Or were you not keen on a chaptered longfic for another reason? Thank you ❤️❤️

Oh this is such a great question! So there is a short (and not very interesting answer) and a longer (hopefully more interesting one). I will give you both. :)

The short one:

I have never written fanfic at all until this series and have also never been involved in online fandom either until about a month or two before I posted Part 1. Consequently I know absolutely nothing about fic best practices or common structures, nothing about “fanon” at all, and I went into this not even realizing I needed to know how to tag things or that there were tropes writers used to categorize or describe general structures. Basically it’s just been me and my Elf obsession hanging out alone in my head for 20 years? Anyway, this story showed up one day (which is another funny story but I won’t get sidetracked on it in this post) and I basically just *needed* to get it out. Which is how we are here. To sum it up, I did a series because I didn’t know it would probably have made more sense as a chaptered long fic 🤦‍♀️ Ah well.

The longer one:

Yes, having it nonlinear was the primary appeal of breaking it up as a series. (In my know-nothing-about-fanfic-head, I assumed nonlinear meant series by default instead of chapters.)

Having it nonlinear was something I’ve always wanted to utilize in the structure because part of what it’s exploring is the whiplash of Elves interacting with mortals in this kind of timespan. It’s only about 150 years between Finrod discovering them and Finrod dying in Tol-in-Gaurhoth, which is a piddly little bit of time to a being with serial longevity for the duration of Arda.

And yes, I know there’s the passage where Tolkien talks about time passing for Elves at the same rate as for Men, but at the same time it would have to feel different, just by ratio. The older I get, the shorter every year seems - and I’m only 35. Finrod is in his 2,000’s at the time of the story so a hundred years is a proportionally small chunk that would feel quite fast, even if it’s technically passing at the same rate, because it’s such a small percentage of what he had lived already.

Hence the nonlinear structure. It gives the reader the same whiplash as Finrod is having, where all of this is happening in such a “short” span of time that it feels all crushed up on top of itself - almost as though it’s all happening at once. So you have Belen as an 18 year old running around in games and laughter one moment, and in the next he’s in his 90’s and on the brink of his own passing. It’s all at once. This aspect jumped out at me when I was reading the Athrabeth and Finrod’s like “well I was hanging out with Bëor a hot second ago” and Andreth replies with “…..buddy, he’s been dead for a…century?” Everything about this is utterly incomprehensible for Elves trying to get accustomed to mortal lifecycles in this mind-bogglingly short amount of time.

Presenting it as solo chunks also lets them function as a kind of kaleidoscope of memories, pieced together by a kind of natural association (which is why I’ve also tried to have deliberate contextual or thematic tie-ins for each, like a mind’s free association might follow). This may not fully find its landing until the epilogue, but the function of memory and *how* things are remembered is also key in this. “The life and love of the Eldar dwells much in memory,” “In memory lies our great talent”Etc.

Thanks so much for this ask! It was so fun to get to talk about this. :)

[jakesuit0]

From Bad to Worse Review

“From Bad to Worse” is a sequel to the first episode, and also borrows zombie apocalypse tropes. It may not be the most unique episode, but it's still enjoyable. This isn’t a retread of the series first episode, as this focuses on the zombie chase itself. I actually think this would have worked better as a direct continuation of “Slumber Party Panic”. Allowing the zombies to stay uncured at the end of the first episode and leading into a part two would have gotten rid of the very dumb and canonbreaking climax in “Slumber Party Panic”. Still, Cinnamon Bun eating the sample of zombie flesh is a funny catalyst. 

In addition to Finn and Jake, LSP and Lady Rainicorn get to tag along for the story, providing some extra good moments. The worst part of the episode is the 45 second sequence of the four mixing chemicals in the same way multiple times. It’s not terrible, but why not make the antidote mixing more zany? Especially to tie into the wacky results of the antidotes. However, I do like the sequence of using the antiserum. Starchy getting snatched by a now winged zombie is funny. Always nice to see him pop in for a gag. LSP licking her antidote up for the luscious lips is also amusing. I like how the antidotes, including Jake and Lady’s, backfire and make the candy zombies stronger. 

Jake stretching to keep the zombification from spreading is one of the most clever uses of his powers so far, and adds some great suspense and urgency. I love Finn reassuring himself. He’s clearly distraught over losing Jake (Jake death foreshadowing). We know how devastating the thought is for him (“Mystery Train”, “The New Frontier”). Finn forces those feelings down to focus on the task at hand. Even the usually much more mature Lady Rainicorn can’t do this, freeing Jake. Finn is left alone and his acceptance of failure is a big moment for such a relentless character. 

Science the Rat works fine enough as a resolution. It was adequately foreshadowed. They didn’t let us forget about that rat. Jake being cured and immediately turned again is a hilariously fucked up moment that presents an interesting conundrum. Finn covering himself in the antidote is very clever but probably should have injured him more. Seems that the antidote heals the zombie bites. Lady tells Jake that she loves being bitten by him (new zombie kink unlocked?). PB telling Finn to move out of the way is a funny way to end the episode, even if it doesn’t make sense for her to say that in such a celebratory tone.

Grade: B+

[macgyvertape]

BG3 Act 3 thoughts and liveblog part 1

I couldn't stop comparing DOS2 act 3 and BG3 act 3, since act 3 is a bit underbaked in both games compared to the other acts, but wow BG3 just has so much more polish and content.

The prologue reveals my character is a Bhaalspawn, I feel like it's just so widely known at this point

Defining character moment for Astarion “the problem with what Cazador has done is he did it to me”. Since Asatarion really wants this she’d help him sacrifice his “siblings” what matters to her is that Astarion is safe, but she’s worried about the unknown details but is still planning as if its possible. The dialogue options of “a killer isn’t worthy of respect” is fucking laughable my character would never say that lmao. 

When the narrator was saying you have a bunch of options what will you do, for my character it felt best to say “when the moment comes I’ll do what feels right”, since she's more of an opportunist

Ooof that fight with the gith was rough even on easy mode.

My character wanted The Emperor to prove he was the protector, but then tried to read his thoughts anyway. She’s also very grateful Lae’zeal wasn’t around when this happened considering Orpheus is real and a renegade mindflayer has him prisoner

Learning that the protection against the Absolute comes from Orpheus being trapped really puts a damper on my character’s plans to not get rid of the tadpole and associated powers. It's too dangerous to count on Orphues being imprisoned. Also the Emperor was a successful power player in Baldur’s Gate, so she’s more wary of his plans and agenda than the fact he is a mindflayer. 

My character did turn down the Emperor’s offer to evolve her, sorry she just is too attached to how her body looks. She also thinks this is a line in the sand she’s not going to persuade her companions on, unlike the tadpole powers. (personally it's the fact that it messes up your teeth, huge personal squick). I guess had my character take on so many parasite powers it gave me a fucking 21 score roll to not evolve. 

EDIT: the next day I got spoiled on the Emperor’s seduction scene and it’s friendly manners being all a front; real fucking surprise pikachu face moment for me. That my character who manipulates, lies, and seduces people might encounter someone who emotionally manipulates, lies and will seduce people. I didn’t fully trust it and thought it might have its own agenda, but still I was a little too trusting that there might have been some genuine emotion. Like DAMMIT I was rewatching Felix rvb scenes before I started the game and he has a line “Funny how an act of sacrifice like that [getting hurt] buys you so much trust”. Which is exactly what the Emperor did, where it knelt down and made a big show of how it trusts me not to hurt it and when it calls on us for that dramatic rescue that while genuine was an excellent opportunity for it to be revealed. Apparently the 21 roll is because I used so many tadpoles which the game treats as buying into The Emperor’s promises. Its repeated lines of “just like you” and “i’m on your side” to establish common ground and then presenting itself as a criminal with “a heart of gold” in its backstory. I/my character was skeptical on some details considering it also presented itself as a major power player, but bought into it’s use of “allies” when what he meant was “pawns”.  

Gale had the comment “you’ve not taken this power for yourself… why offer it to me” and I wish I could respond like what Astarion said, that don’t want to sacrifice my body. Astarion had a whole lot to say on the subject but Karlach only had 1 line about being surprised I hadn’t taken the power/transformation. Funny to see how other companions had lines about how they hadn’t done any tadpole powers and they weren’t about to start now. 

My character’s made an enemy out of the undead lich Gith queen, whom only Orpheus can oppose, and there’s an entire Gith resistance working to free him as well. So that really kills any plan of using the Absolute for herself because she’d be better off with Orphues fighting the Gith queen

Really Astarion and my character have come so far from act 1 where he was warning me about how easily Cazador could kill me to now where he’s saying if Cazador comes for him he’ll strike back and he’ll have my character along with him 

The one group my character has been consistently nice to with no promise of reward is kids, so at this point she’s just resigned to them showing up at camp as long as there’s someone like Withers, Halsin, or Wyll to keep them from getting hurt. 

My character is helping the strange ox yet again. It won’t reveal what it is but she’s really curious, and it hasn’t seemed to kill people, so she’ll help it because it might be a useful ally in the future

I love Biscotti what a GOOD DOG (love the animal writing in this and DOS2)

I think its funny that for a while I was thinking that Astarion wasn’t that pale, but in the bright light of Baldur’s Gate he really is. I think it's due to my monitor that has super high contrast

Surprised Halsin has the most dialogue in the refugee area mostly about how he’s rapidly becoming disillusioned with the city, and I tried a earlier save without him and the other companions like Astarion or Karlach don’t speak up if he’s not there.

Community meme about Gortash: I can excuse him being the chosen of an evil god and using his power to found a murderous evil cult but I draw the line at him and his PMC making surveliance cop robots. Bane is just the god of cops and Gortash works for Boston Dynamics

I like to think a bunch of the companions have been a positive force on my character so she’s helping the refugees in her own manner (lots of intimidation), and wants to see the Tiefling refugees make it after all the struggles. That there were explosives in toys justifies her being nosy and helping

Karlach really wants to go to the circus, unfortunately my character is a vicious murderer lmao. Thankfully she’s great at [persuading] and charming. Astarion, Halsin, and Karlach seem to be the best “go to the circus” group

Incredibly cool to hear my bard character perform along with the other bard in the circus

The dinosaur and the magic cat in the circus are being mistreated, Halsin is right to be mad about it. I used Astarion to pickpocket the key, then mage hand to open both cage doors

My character doesn’t like clowns and after she felt that murderous urge there’s no way she’s getting on stage. I watched the different versions of sending Halsin or Karlach up on stage but sending Astarion up on stage really is the best version. Role playing it as after he made that comment about clowns being a horror and with how both Karlach and Halsin approve of picking Astarion while he doesn’t approve if you pick someone else; its some light hearted group teasing of a guy who usually has a joke at others expense “You love the spotlight, don’t you… here’s your big chance”. Yeah he says he’s going to kill me but he’s not seriously upset.

Astarion and my character both enjoy killing clowns, see we’re great together

My bard character was pissed about the Djinn scamming with the spin the wheel game so of course she went back to rig things to get the jackpot. 

Ok so my character gets her meteorites back, that she’s a Bhaalspawn, she’s not surrendering to the D!urge or worried about atoning, but that she’s being encouraged to slaughter her line and that its the woman who hurt her before is a opportunity for power and revenge coinciding nicely

For now the only person my character is telling is Astarion, this is a big thing to confess and she wants to play this close to the vest for as long as possible. While she did have earnest suspicions since the oubliette, she’s more afraid about standing up to a god and the loss of control. I personally like how Astarion comforts you after that dialogue a lot more, especially the way he says you must try to beat Bhaal and not become a slave.

[kowaindar0u]

i present: yuichi's playlist! [spotify] [youtube]

(as of 3/14/2024)

as with most of the playlists i make, some songs are readily applicable, some just have the right Vibe, some are sorta funny... and in yuichi's case, there's a lot of a rain theme going on lol

(also, some are ones from my own tourabu mood playlist that i just had to bring over)

because i've always wanted to do this i'm gonna go through all the songs and maybe explain why i put it there or something?? yolo! playlist guide under the cut lol

i recommend having this going while you listen!

most songs (on the youtube version) have lyrics/translations where available!

there's a lot of kpop don't judge me lol

Dreamcatcher - Full Moon this is a song from dc to their fans on their first anniversary lol, so the themes of a somewhat-new bond are pretty relevant!

Seventeen- Campfire do i even need to explain? sobs this song makes my heart warm ... just thinking about yuichi & all the toudans sitting around a campfire having *sniffles* precious moments... ; A;

Rihanna - Umbrella LMAO this one is very on-the-nose but also just thinking about it's hilarious, i couldn't resist. (plus like... it's a jam. also lyrically it actually does fit!)

Dreamcatcher - Boca be prepared to see a lot of dreamcatcher w/me, they're my Favorite(TM). anyway Boca is about protecting someone from harsh words (better translation is "if those thornlike words / start to hurt you / i won't let them open that boca (mouth)") AND has a very rainy/stormy atmosphere which makes it perfect. yes i know my toudans are Sword Warriors yes i still want to protect them as best i can!! (it's more about like. bullying and hate but yknow. similar sentiments...shhh...)

The Weather Girls - It's Raining Men ...............i don't think i need to explain myself on this >.> (THO HAHA IMAGINE IF THIS WAS HOW SWORDS MANIFESTED IN HIS HONMARU i'm dead)

ToppDogg -Annie (Anniversary) another 'anniversary' type song, i think it speaks for itself. saniwa💙toudans!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Clean Bandit - Rather Be lyrically, yes!! being a saniwa is not an easy or peaceful job by any means but yuichi wouldn't want to be anywhere else <3 also the song makes me think of rainy/cool moist days!

Seventeen - Home seventeen shows up a decent amount too, but what can i say? the songs fit lol. saniwa-toudan relationships might not always be 100% sunshine and rainbows, but... they are home, no?

Twice - Feel Special GOD. this song came out while i was very into tkrb a few years ago and so that plus the song itself made me actually cry when i first watched it lol. it's so fitting though, i think from toudan or yuichi's perspective. for yuichi, he clearly struggles with his self-worth, and is...well, he's no stranger to a breakdown. but ... he's got so many touken danshi around him who love him

Girls' Generation - Talk Talk no explanation needed methinks! <3 just comparing a love to the rain

SF9 - The Beat Goes On okay this song is just like... pure beach episode, everyone gathering in the sunset and having a great time being free with each other. i include it on so many playlists where i just want to imagine a joyful time with the whole cast of whatever, it just has to go here too, even if you'd be hard-pressed to get yuichi on a beach lol

Yuju - Play this is just strictly for the vibes. i don't know that yuichi has someone who dipped and hurt him like that (but it could be interesting i guess lol). the song just is perfect for the rainy atmosphere

Dreamcatcher - Piri i told u prepare for dreamcatcher lol. anyway this song is literally about like... depression and getting to a point where you need a lifeline. very yuichi, unfortunately

New Politics - One of Us another "do i even need to explain?" song ;u; it's definitely on my tkrb playlist lol. also the lyric video is kinda fun lol imagining it as different toudans at the table

Gfriend - Summer Rain just very nice rainy vibes.

Super Junior - Why I Like You this song (the whole album really) has always given me rainy/humid vibes. but also... love <3 (ofc not necessarily romantic in yuichi's case! but yknow what i mean)

Flo Rida - My House almost a joke addition but like... also almost not a joke LOL

David Cook - Come Back to Me okay this song is tkrb playlist because it's like... 100% kiwame send-off vibes. i initially added it after watching hanamaru, thinking about kashuu sending off yasusada, but i think it also suits most sendoffs very well. i wanna cry. sobs....

SF9 - RPM So I don't have a good reason for adding this to yuichi's or my tkrb playlist other than it makes me think of using time travel to go on a mission. also i just REALLY like the song... and listening to it with the rain going is mmmwah *chef kiss*. just imagine a team going up to the [time travel device] all ready to fucking GO, looking all badass in the mist and shit. and then PPEPWWW they go! and now they're ready to fuck shit up (to un-fuck the timeline)... it's the VIBES AGAIN

Darren Hayes - Bloodstained Heart no words needed <3

Dreamcatcher - Over the Sky another anniversary fan song from dc! this song just makes me so happy and like. energized. spring time. anime conventions. so it's on my tkrb playlist, but it's also a sweet and fun song so, yknow, puts it on.

Ravi - Lean on Me is this yuichi talking to a toudan? or a toudan talking to yuichi? or ? who knows, but either way, i like it. sweet and reliable.

Seventeen - Thanks just... a song about being so grateful to know and love someone.

Major Lazer - Cold Water (the one song with justin bieber i listen to unironically lol)

Seventeen - Holiday oh man just LISTEN to it, even without the lyrics it's just like. fun!! party!! chill!!

SF9 - Bibora a jam. a rainy jam. but also maybe some parts of it speak to yuichi.

Jinsoul (Loona) - Singing in the Rain KNK - Rain Super Junior - Raining Spell for Love Strictly for the vibes.

JBJ - True Colors oh man. this song makes me cry too. my heart...

Starley - Call on Me Another song that I think explains itself lol

Dreamcatcher - Reason yet another anniversary song from deukae but it fits. through all the triumphs and hardships, despair and joy, the toudans in this citadel have become his whole reason for being and they inspire him to keep going and do better and be someone they can depend on and be proud to call their saniwa.

[penname-artist]

(Long rant ahead)

Do you ever just feel kind of...angry? Like, not in the way that you're annoyed at something or someone, and not in-the-moment rage, either. Everything is fine in the present, but you just sit back and feel...mad. And you can't/don't want to do anything about the mad. You just sit there, with your madness. Letting yourself feel the mad. Not doing anything, just. Feeling the feelings.

This is one of those broody moments like that, I s'ppose. Because this month it's really just been on my mind, a lot. More than it "generally" is (though all my feelings come in waves)

It's almost kind of funny. A couple of times this month, people I've talked to have rather casually jabbed at "oh, let's see your dark side". And of course, I've laughed along with it, and warned of what a bad idea that would be to cut me loose. Because the me I remember always has a part of me too angry and unstable to allow anywhere near the nice things. Or anything for that matter. It's always shoved down into the furthest corners of my being.

But is it really even still there?

Maybe I gave myself time to sit and "feel mad" tonight just hoping to feel the twinges of that side of me again. Truly, it feels so far away right now. And that is a good thing, but...it's also strange. It's so foreign, to feel like your own "dark half" is separated from you, slipping away into dust where it once used to completely overtake you.

Because I remember when it did.

It wasn't even that long ago.

I don't know physical anger much. But I know mental anger. I know emotional anger.

I know sitting on the ground picking up dirty dishes, purposefully strewn across my bedroom by a housemate, forcing myself to take care of them all, even though the thought of breaking every last one into tiny ceramic shards stayed ingrained in my head the entire time.

I know sitting in a chair at work staring at my phone, my free hand clenched into a fist so tight I could have bent a piece of metal. Pacing back and forth and getting up and sitting down because the anger is just boiling in my torso, the lies, the deceit, the uncaring hand in iron gloves twisting the story around into something it's not.

And I know crying anger, organs shriveled into knots as you heave on the floor for breath, gripping whatever is closest to you for the last fleeting thread of sanity, of reality. Losing everything. Losing everyone. Losing yourself. But you're trying to hang on to something. Anything that will ease the pain.

And anger will always slip through the cracks, raw, boiling, held together in a jar ready to burst into pieces. Sure, it can be scooped up again and put back in another jar. But it will always leave a stain. It will always leave its marks.

And I'm so...

Used to it.

I'm so used to the jar breaking. Pieces going flying. Re-containing the anger. Moving the jars. Throwing out everything it touched, and never touching the jar itself again. High "empathy" also means a high emotional state. It makes you into this...sponge. And you soak everything up until you can't, and you have no choice but to wring it all out at once.

I'm so used to being the guilty party.

So used to being "The Emotional One".

"The Uncontrollable One"

"The Psychotic One"

So used to it, I forgot that I was allowed to be angry at it too.

I'm fucking allowed to be mad. I'm allowed to be mad at people who fucked me over and left me high and dry. I'm allowed to be mad towards people who didn't give a damn. I'm allowed to feel angry that I was set up on purpose to fail. That I got played. That I got used.

I am allowed to just feel mad about it. I'm not allowed to do anything about it, God no. That's where the line is, you can't do the acts of spite because that shit WILL hit you in the ass when you least expect it. Karma's a bitch, honey. But you were never not allowed to just. Be. Mad. And just sit back for the first time in a good bit and go

"Yeah. That was pretty fucked up. I deserved better when that thing happened." Or "I shouldn't have been treated in that way. That was unfair and it made me feel hurt."

My closing thought and reminder to this long rant is make time to just let yourself be mad. You know that if you don't you'll probably do something mad instead. Feel your fucking feelings for no apparent outcome other than to get them the fuck off your chest. Yours from a person who's done too many bad deeds in comparison to their bad feelings and is still working on letting themselves feel things in a healthy way without acting on them.

[insane-mane]

what is your favorite and LEAST favorite element of each era? (OG, UAF, OV, and the reboot). if you don't care to do them all, feel free to just choose a specific era.

Favorite:

OS- Of course the vast alien/creature designs made by Dave Johnson and Tom Perkins. The eerie, weird vibe the show has with odd things always going on in the background, something that makes you feel like the world is more expanded. Always something bubbling under the surface. Fun villains, arcs, and finale that just blew me away as a kid.

UAF- Pretty strong start, wanting to introduce "darker" elements to the world around (both figuratively and literally) and inject different perspectives both on the characters and the story as a whole, asking what would happen to these characters when they're older and how they've changed (for better or worse). Very neat work done by Glenn Murakami and Glen Wong. Undeniably gave the franchise as a whole its mark.

OV- A fun return to form that also isn't afraid to go weird, both in terms of writing and art. Genuinely funny at times. Lots of great character designs from Derrick J. Wyatt. Appreciative of bringing back tons of old characters/aliens when they were allowed to. really great Voice Acting as well!

Reboot- More tolerable version of Ben and Gwen. Neat design choices here and there. Honestly has a really great interpretation of Vilgax! Honestly happy that a younger generation got to experience anything Ben 10 related despite it not being the version I grew up with.

Least Favorite:

OS- Needless bickering between Ben and Gwen. Small things that don't exactly add up story-wise unless you look into pop up trivia that are partially just lost to time or crew statements after the fact. Very dated dialogue/insults.

UAF- Setting is WAY too dark or way too bland. Too many humanoid aliens that should DEFINIETLY be clothed to some degree. Completely bizarre character rewrites or "expansions" that either didn't need them or were just presented poorly for arcs that abruptly end. Weird, wooden acting and odd voice direction. Some lien abilities that are just total ass-pulls. Clunky gimmick that they don't even use that much. Fluctuating regression of the main protagonist awful to deal with at best or borderlines character assassination at worst.

OV- Too reliant on comedy that either runs too long, undercuts emotional moments, or just isn't that funny. Attempts to rectify their past mistakes from previous show but unfortunately makes a larger mess than need be. Certain character designs sacrifice too many original details in favor of references to other media, which can be fun but almost too distracting at times. Much like the other shows, introduces neat concepts that could be very deep and earnest but either don't follow through or just aren't executed well.

Reboot- Shorter runtime makes it feel too rushed and makes their overarching stories suffer. Toy mandates making needless gimmicks part of the story to sell action figures makes for boring character designs and less engaging stories (not blaming the crew itself for that). Attempts to separate itself from old continuity yet still tries to satiate older fans by loosely putting in references/specific characters for making a crossover special that the younger generation wouldn't know about. Inconsistent character design choices by ripping from old model sheets rather than making new designs that fit within the show's style. Not the best take on Grandpa Max. Overall just not my cup of tea, but hey it's not meant for me so Eh

[raayllum]

cube hostage exchange theory from a meta standpoint is exceedingly funny to me because one of the reasons i talk about it as often as i do is because there’s just... so much to talk about regarding it? like 

at this time, callum and viren are each other’s primary foils, with rayla and aaravos being each other’s primary foils. this was true even before S4, but especially afterward, with rayla and aaravos both hunting mages as prey (viren and callum respectively) and with the viren-callum parallels being ramped up, just as a quick example.

the cube glowing with the star primal, and indeed rayla having a pet monkey that’s connected to the star arcanum, just happens to show up in a big dramatic halo of moonlight moments after callum says “in darkness” but we know the cube also has negative associations so it can’t be wholly positive framing, and soren explicitly spells this out for us with rayla’s return: “now you’re back. that’s kinda good. and kinda bad.” 

for s1-s3 the cube was the primary carrier of the game motif, with only one (1) mention of a game directly to aaravos. now in s4, that motif has moved from the background to being more directly and overtly connected to aaravos. rayla is the first person to call it a toy and in an episode in which we see an elf toy that is explicitly supposed to look like her.

callum’s suffocation / drowning motif was because of dark magic in s2 and then brought back in s4. rayla has always been connected with water. they almost drowned together in TTM. the “you will discover the cube’s secrets” line pans over earth and ocean only, indicating the cube’s secrets will first start to be revealed in ocean. the moon literally affects the tides

if rayla flat out refuses to kill callum no matter the stakes (“you let him live but you killed us all”) even if she frees him it still meant she put him over the world / they can’t get off completely scot free. they’ve always been very mutual (rayla saving him from sol regem in 3x01 at risk to herself / callum saving her in 3x09 at risk to himself in an even more extreme way, arguably) so callum would have to ‘repay’ that in some capacity to keep that mutuality: “i hope it was worth it to you putting everyone’s lives in danger”

the fact that rayla’s drawing and her getting the cube for him in the first place is even the reason he actually has it in show deserves to be a point on its own because like. callum could’ve found it while looking for her in the lodge. ezran could’ve nabbed it. the cube never helps them plot wise until 3x08 it could’ve even just been presented with harrow’s letter and let 2x08 do the symbolic heavy lifting with the keys like. but no. they decided it had to be 1x04, the immediate ep after the very start of the story’s main arc, and it had to be rayla. 

one of callum’s core flaws is that he’s reckless in pursuit of what he wants (magic) but even more reckless when it comes to protecting the people he loves, cue: running into what he thinks is a trap in 4x01 to protect ezran, jumping off the mountain for rayla, when he thinks he has even the barest trace of saving either of them. his tales of xadia bio quote (which i originally took with a delighted grain of salt but since feels more valid given other things that have already come to pass as mentions/foreshadowing for the sow itself) is “i’m beholden to my inner circle, not some silly kingdom” and “i value those close to me more than anyone or anything” which is 👀 bc thus far the only time we’ve seen that really play out is when he bent his morals in doing dark magic and when he chose to leave with ez & rayla in 1x03 to protect the egg and his baby brother. but it hasn’t come back since and certainly not on as big a scale as the quotes indicate (more than anyone means more than any other person / people after all) 

rayla and callum still have unresolved conflict and 3/4 finales (with s1 being the sole exception) have always featured a very important moment and/or turning point in their relationship. while aaravos’ release could be pushed to s6 (either early s6 or late s6) for a more traditional plot structure it makes sense for him to be released in or by the end of 5x09 so that S6 can give everyone a chance to defeat him once he’s actually out (11th hour / darkest moment failure thing) and then successfully defeat him in S7. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

like oh you watch 1x04 and it’s their first bonding moment because “you called me a mage and that felt right.” you watch 1x05 and they have multiple instances of disagreeing whether something is worth something (the cube, rayla’s bravery, the boat) with callum always believing it is. you watch 1x09 and it’s foreshadowing callum’s connection to the moon arcanum. and so on and so forth 

and almost none of this is touching on theme, or the way rayla (and basically only her) is woven deftly into callum’s journey as a mage in ways that ezran or any other character firmly is not, which is an entire other can of multi layered worms. thematically, the theory has even more evidence if you start pulling on generational parallels, and patterns, etc etc. 

there’s a reason this has been a theory of mine for over two years now, precisely because what started out as a simple “huh what if” thought was something i kept founding new merit for, even - or especially when - i wasn’t looking for it in the first place

it truly is just me over turning every rock i can like “maybe i’ll find an alternative down here” and instead it’s just more

[immediatebreakfast]

Weather report in Whitby! A storm is coming!

Today's entry we are not received by our friend Mina, nor the Captain, instead today we read about the most colorful weather report that I have ever read. The new journalistic view, along with the very well received writing style of the correspondent, free from worries and stress, paints Whitby in a new beautiful light. From that absolutely beautiful description of the sunset sky, all the different ships arriving to Whitby for safety, the passing mention of the town's gossip, and our local old man watching everything from the cliff. To that one single focus on a ship alone in the open sea, just sailing without a thought, ignoring the calls from other sailors so she could enter the port, and rest.

And now, the weather. The oppresive tension before the storm was the perfect setting before the main show. That feeling of "a storm is coming" but you don't know when it is coming so the only thing you can see is the sky going gray with clouds while the only thing that is constant is the silence. Suddenly, the gates on the sky oppened to give room to the violent nature of a storm, as if nature itself was trying to drown everything with thunder and rain. As if nature itself is screaming that an ancient evil is coming with it. The cold mist, the roaring thunder, the furious waves, and the grand lightning. The most iconic and uncontrollable spectacle as presentation for the elegant and unhinged monster that came all the way from Transylvania.

Then the Demeter, the ship that we have been following for such a long time, arrives with a dead man on her helm.

The poor captain didn't survive enough time to see his ship arrive, but by reading how dangerous the storm was I think that was a small mercy granted to him, may he rest in peace. That phenomenal beautifully written paragraph that described the near impossible Demeter's arrival to Whitby confirmed two things: Not only Dracula was using the weather to try and steer the Demeter to the shore (since he doesn't know how to do that), but also Dracula is powerful enough to create an impressive storm as a distraction so he could basically teleport the Demeter to Whitby's port.

It is chilling to read about how the people, and coastmen gathered around the ship when we know who is in there, and what he wants to do. The Demeter is finally resting at the port, without a crew and her captain tied to her. The only thing who survived was a never mentioned big dog who doesn't even look behind him to see the ship where he traveled one last time as if it was nothing to him. The correspondent tells us about the last moments of the captain before he leaves his ship, how the sky is now changing after the storm, and a promise to tell the tale of the Demeter to anyone who wants to hear.

Next time, we shall talk about our dear friend Mina Murray and her increasing worries.

P.s: a seemingly unimportant detail that I loved was the artists in Whitby immediately changing the subject of their paintings the second the sky changed. Just imagining them seeing the storm coming, seeing the sudden contrast in the sky, and immediately grabbing their instruments to describe is so funny.

[theraddishhouse]

romanticism oc asks!!! 9 20 21 and 23!!!

oh yeah babey. lets go

9. If your OC were to imagine their idyllic life (realistically or otherwise) what would it be like?

It definitely depends on the time period in Radek's life. When she was still with Phillip (pre-Caleb death) she definitely pictured them getting "married" (whatever that means) and then having sort of a hades-persephone deal where she would spend half the year in her home, the demon realm, and the other half in the human realm, and Phillip was free to move between the realms with her or not. I think if you asked her at the current point in the show (s3), however, her ideal would definitely just be having a nice house with Hunter in the demon realm where she can raise him and have him go to school and just have a normal life. probably a similar situation where she can visit the human realm whenever to see Camila. It wouldn't entirely be normal pretty much no matter what just because Radek is a little weird from the immortality and DEFINITELY still healing, but I think she'd do her best, especially for Hunter, who is like, the pride and joy of her life atm.

20. What was the moment at which they knew they were in love, or was it a slow buildup?

Oh good lord. Well.

With Phillip, it was a slow build. She initially just found this random human guy passed out in the forest and decided it'd be REALLY FUNNY to fuck with him. Prime mischief mode activated. She was like, 19, and dumb as fuck. Then suddenly they started hanging out more and the teasing got a little less (derogatory) and a little more (affectionate). Phillip was never scared of her like he was the other witches, namely because Radek never actually did anything dangerous to him. Not that Evelyn did either, but he has his ideas. It sort of culminated into a slow realization when they would spend more and more time together, and then eventually Phillip presented his cross to her as a gift of his affections. Radek was very happy to take it. They kissed that night & Phillip never knew peace since.

With Camila, it was completely different. Radek was depressed, a little bit nutz from Belos dying, and also incapable of feeling any joy. But Camila slowly kind of coaxed hir out of the depression hole in the house and lured her into spending time with her in the living room. Radek didn't really think anything of it other than Camila being really hospitable, until they were falling asleep one night and recognized that pain in their chest a little too much and went. Oh no.

21. What was it about their significant other that made them fall in love with them? Was it a single eye-opening experience or many gestures over time?

With Phillip, I think first and foremost it was just the fact he was funny. Then Radek saw he was diligent, if a bit stubborn, as well as charming and sweet. He somehow always knew what to say to cheer them up and he was easy to communicate with. Not to mention he liked her! Which is an attractive trait all in of itself. Plus he wrote really cheesy love letters and would draw them sometimes, so he wasn't without talent. Pathetic little guy Radek wanted to hold, you know?

As for Camila, it was definitely just how kind and understanding she was. It was the same young-firey-impassioned sort of love but the delicate care that Radek needs. Patience. Camila was especially willing to take things slow which both of them needed. I do think it was a little moment where both of them were cooking together and Radek saw Camila humming while she was at a burner and was like. Oh my gd shes perfect. and then Camila saw Radek cooking and went oh my gd hes perfect. Very funny, very sweet.

23. What sort of routines, rituals or rules do they have or set for themselves?

Radek learned the hard way they have to wash the right side of their face and replace the eyepatch everyday. Eventually they sew the eye shut again but Camila has to do it for them. It still leaks every once in a while so they use those cleansing wipes and it seems to work. It hurts really bad though, so they've been trying to concoct some sort of numbing cream for that skin on their face.

Other than that Hunter has constructed an intricate routine where he wakes up Radek at 9 in the morning just to hug her and then they read together until everyone wakes up. (Sometimes Radek goes back to sleep.)

[icyfox17]

feel free to continue on w fav mems/achievements :B i loved reading them bc i can never rmb my own memories

WAVESS finally getting to this one :D i wanted to wait for a day where i could properly focus on the answer eueueu

Gonna provide a cut bc im pre sure im gonna rambleeee

edit: ANOTHER ONE THAT I DIDNT POST PROPERLY HELP MEEE I think I just assumed the save draft was the post button help this was from so many days ago I'm so sorry beanz

♤ A moment I remember clearly that I'd love to go back to is sleeping with Milo. He used to curl up right under my neck and it was the cutest fucking tag ever, it was so comforting and I may have died from allergies but it was sooo worth it man ohmygod

◇ Eating at Red Robins with my mom right before going to a concert. Ider which concert ngl but idk it was just . Such a happy moment. Tbh all of the concerts I've been to with my mom (tswift, nick jonas and demi levato, tøp) are all very fond memories of mine. They were all superrr fun :))

♡ oooo idr if i mentioned this in the other one but CHOIRR vocal jazz was a lot of fun, like going downtown with everyone? It was Such an Experience man /pos

♧ VISITING MY AUNT UP NORTH ON THE ISLAND OHKYGODDD both times but i def preferred this last time bc i got to do a lot more exploring of the town myself :D i love my aunt and i love my baby cousin, he's such a menace but he's fucking adorable and really fun to hang out with (even if he gets a little much sometimes). The island itself is gorgeous and wow... the amount of wildlife i got to see was so dope. And just . We went to this small side island and we had the island to ourself LIKE A WHOLE FUCKING ISLAND . TO OURSELF IT WAS SO COOL MAN OHKYGOSHHH that trip was honestly so fucking cool man i loved it smmm i cant wait to go back rahhss

♤ watching the flash (before it got bad) with my mom :)) those times were honestly so lovely idk it was Our Special Bonding Time wout my siblings it was just . Really specisl and nice

◇ fencinggg, i miss fencing so much man, i really hope i get back into it this year omg. The feeling of doing well, outsmarting someone, dodging, getting a point. Ahhhh, there's nothing else like it. So satisfying. I miss the way it felt to be completely and utterly fluid with the the blade.

♡ playing cards with my dad and his friends, late at night while listening to 90s r&b and rap, very nice vibes:))

♧ this one morning my dad and stepmom making pancakes while listening to ccr. My stepmom kept being like "wait this song is ALSO ccr?!?!?" bc she knew of the band but she never actually knew all the songs were by them it was really funny but also super lovely

♤ christmas. I love christmas man. Specifically waking up early in the morning to the smell of coffee and land of knod (a type of cinnamon bun thingy that my stepmom always makes), dibbying out all the presents to every person as we all choose our spots, opening presents. Christmas cookies, i looove christmas cookies, i love making them tooo.

◇ playing dnd, both with my fam and with my friends. I have so many chaotic and silly moments from that. I miss dnd so bad

♡ this one time i stood outside in the pouring rain on the grass in my socks. It was such a... freeing moment. Bc yknow people hate getting their socks wet, it's very cursed, but i Did it. I did it on purpose. And it was so nice honestly. Just the feeling of the rain pressing down on my skin, the cool air breathing on it compared to the suffocating heat from inside my house... ough i love rain

♧ in a similar but almost opposite fashion, lying down in the sun on the grass field outside of our highschool. It was so calming. I still love lying down in the grass, I do it at uni too. I just put on some music and just... enjoy the moment. I dig my hands into the dirt. I love the feeling of it on my skin, i love looking at its lasting impression, even after i wipe my hands clean of it. It makes me feel alive and content to be in that moment.

♤ hehe watching tommys vlogs with my stepmom. Back when tommys vlogs first started coming out, they came out weekly, and i was visiting my stepmom weekly too so it worked out. It was a lovely lil routine between us :))

◇ scrapbooking with my dads wife, it was such a fun creative outlet and i actually got to do something with my photos for once, rather than have them just sit on my phone

♡ driving with my stepmom up that same beautiful highway i mentioned last time, going up to the waterfalls with my stepmom

♧ OOOHH HIKINGG so many hikes but there was this one Insane one where we had to 4x4 up this mountain and we went to the top of the peak and there were so many wildflowers and barely any ppl since its such an intense hike and omg it was so peaceful i wanna go back...

[hankwizard]

Pieces Of Media I Consumed Recently

because i have accepted i cannot, for the life of me, do this in an organized fashion lol

CHAINSAW MAN('s anime)

I read the manga obsessively the moment I heard the premise. I grew up in the era of self-referential, masturbatory, whedon-istic media where no show or comic could just be unapologetically itself without getting weird and "haha isnt it DUMB we're making this?" the whole time. A manga about a guy turning into a chainsaw that is absolutely about a dude who turns into a chainsaw fucking appeals, okay?

Anyways. This is about the anime. The anime almost feels like a film at times- the characters move very.. Realistically. Very on model, which worked in some ways but made it a bit less expressive in others. It didn't have the punk charm of the manga, but otherwise? Steller presentation. I like how the anime further emphasizes that Denji is a kid- giving him more childish mannerisms (such as the infamous scene with himeno) that really hammers home the point of his character- that he's just a manipulated kid who wants some kind of normalcy and, most of all, love.

CHAINSAW MAN('s manga. part 2)

It makes me feel like the absolute joker watching how well thought out Asa is as a protagonist. Traumatic experiences can strip us of our identities- make us feel like all we've done is survive, and therefore, that's all we can do, so watching Asa fret over being a bore and be unable to connect to others without worrying about how things will crumble down is just a delight. I love her. Denji is also great so far! He's just so tired. This part's art has so much subtle improvement and once again Fujimoto is delivering bangers. Yoshida is never beating the yaoi allegations.

FEAR AND HUNGER: TERMINA

The fun thing about autism is that it forces you to enjoy things in the most "yeah this is my life now" of ways, which is fine when your interests are something normal you can explain to people like "dungeons and dragons" or "sailor moon" and not Termina, a game that makes you genuinely debate not if you should sever your enemy's leg, but which one.

Termina is crazy. A survival horror rpg where death is punishing, limbs can be lost AND trans women can do necromancy? It's great and it's terrifying. There's literally an entire area that I avoid because it freaks me out so bad so I GENUINELY take the long way everywhere to avoid it every time.

It's one of those games where any enemy can not only kill you, but maim you in ways that fundamentally change how you play the game. Dealing with enemies is a puzzle: how do you approach them? Do you deal with them now so you never have to deal with them again? Do you run around so you can wait until you're stronger? Do you shoot them from afar or save the precious ammo for something even worse?

It's a special kind of satisfying, but definitely not a game for everyone. I'd recommend reading the content warnings, as it's a dark fantasy with dark fantasy themes. It's also a game for adults only, no exceptions. Feel free to message me if you want to know about any content in the game that isn't listed out in the warnings on the store page. I might make a larger blog post about it later.

SHAMELESS

Ok, at first I really liked it! It's very funny, the characters are very well written, and it's very captivating... But I'm going to be real, the amount of Leering Shots Of Teenage Girls in what I watched of this show is enough to drive me bananas. I don't want to look up the sixteen year old girl's skirt, netflix, I'm ambiguously in my mid twenties. The show's insistence on making me look at karen naked ruined it for me. It didn't even feel like it was saying anything? It just kept happening!!! Anyways, tl;dr, shameless is not for me.

VELMA

So, listen. I need to admit something: I've been deep in the Western Cartoons Discourse Trenches since I googled "My Little Poney Forums" as a young teenager. I never really participated, but I'm aware of the cycle of Discourse that happens whenever a show Like This comes out- a show with marginalized characters that isn't very good, or at least is perceived as such.

I watched Sacrificial Trash and you should too

What generally happens is an outpour of outrage and criticism that's 10% warranted, 30% nitpicky and 60% literal actual bigotry. You end up with a lot of video essays of Yelling Men With Glasses that makes me, a contrarian hipster, really interested in proving the internet wrong and actually Enjoying The Thing.

After watching all of Velma, my verdict is:

I Enjoyed Watching It But Would Not Recommend It To Most

The show is funny! It's visually incredible! It has a fun plotline! It has a lot of nods to older Scooby Doo cartoons that I, as a Child Born After 1960, Enjoy! And I like basically every main character and most of the side characters...

Except... It has two massive, glaring issues in its writing. Two major themes that not only make the show nearly unrecommendable to most people, but also revolve around the worst character in the show, Velma herself.

To start, this show has a massive, gaping problem with self-hating anti-indian racism.

Every time Velma's ethnicity is brought up, it's made out to be a gag!! It's to make fun of her!! She's called an ugly gorilla constantly!!! She's made fun of for being hairy!!! And it's never addressed!!! It's just a running gag that Velma hates being Indian and so does everyone else. It's very uncomfortable. I was hoping it'd tone down but it doesn't. The show doesn't even seem all that aware that her self hatred about her own culture and her ethnic features is... a bad thing? It's very strange. I know a lot of south asian people who refuse to watch the show or didn't continue past episode one because of this and MAN. I get it.

The show also has a bit of a misogny problem, which is weird because it tries to be feminist at times? With Fred learning to appreciate women for more than their appearances, which was nice, but the amount of times femininity and appearance gets conflated with being dumb and vapid is... a lot. And the show seems half aware that this is bad while also just. keeping on doing it. And Velma is usually the one being misogynistic throughout the show, and while they kinda try to develop her past it, it doesn't feel like the show takes it seriously as a theme.

Anyways. If you watched and went "man, this show was very well produced and beautifully executed in its visuals!" like a huge nerd, please know that Amy Winfrey, creator of Making Fiends and a director for both Tuca And Bertie AND Bojack Horseman was the supervising producer and I highly advise checking her out.

PS: Glenn Howerton should do more voice work

[allyear-lff]

Nil by Mouth

Summary: monster of a man makes life a misery for everybody around him, including himself.

Pot and musings: I have decided to make this a spoil fest, so if you don't want to know what the film is all about stop reading now, this is not a new film so I would expect many people are already familiar with it.

This film is part of the archive re-releases presented during the festival, it introduces us to one of the nastiest characters in British cinema portrayed with great conviction by a younger Ray Winstone.

The film revolves around a Cockney (East London) family (one of the production companies involved was called E8 after a postcode from the area) and their friends, the scene is aptly set by a couple of parallel scenes, in one we see Raymond (Ray), his wife, her family and his mates enjoying a night out watching a comedy in a pub, the action switches to a different scene in the street, where Bill, the brother in law of Ray, is buying some drugs for him and the men in the pub, the dialogue of the men is rash, uncut and very vulgar which sets the tone for the rest of the film, it is fair to say that women aren't shrinking violets in the film and can swear as much as anybody else.

Anyway, the men are organising a job as well, which is completely dodgy although I couldn't discern what it was all about (the East London accents are tremendously difficult to discern for somebody like me for whom English is a second language, but I wasn't alone, in places where the men were joking almost nobody was laughing, or perhaps the sexist jokes were not that funny, or have dated badly, but the dialogue flows with what feels great authenticity), after the job (which required to move some boxes while most men are in the lookout for trouble) the men go to a strip club, where they cavort with women almost naked while alcohol and drugs flow freely, Ray also engages in a brutal attack of a man for reasons that are unclear, his violent character starts to feel menacing at this point.

Later on Bill commits the mistake of stealing some drugs from Ray who notices the robbery, the animal that has been threatening to free itself finally does: he jumps at poor Bill and bites at his nose regardless of the protestations of his wife, Valerie (Val), after this attack Bill has to leave the flat very badly hurt and takes refuge with his mum, Jeanette, at this point Bill's addictive nature becomes all too obvious to the point that he has drugs in the back of his mum's car while she is watching, but his ultimate descent into madness is going back to Ray and Val's flat to steal anything he can to support his drug habit.

But Ray isn't done yet. He is obsessively possessive and jealous of Val, who is pregnant, so one day he shows up in the pub where Val is having a great time playing billiards and marches her home, on arrival she beats the heck out of her within an inch of her life, the beating is a mixture of anger, sadness and desperation, but not the less brutal for it, we don't see the blows landed but watch Ray in this strange mixture of emotions while he almost kills his wife.

Later on (next day?) Jeanette goes to visit just to become horrified at how badly beaten Val is, she claims it was a hit and run accident, Jeanette accepts this but not entirely convinced since Val is clearly lying about having gone to the hospital, she leaves her for a moment and at that point the inevitable happens and Val has a miscarriage.

At this point finally Val's family and friends unify against Ray and manage to keep him at bay although he keeps threatening everybody for being unable to continue bossing Val around.

It is now that Ray has a nervous breakdown, he resorts mostly to alcohol to sooth his existential pain, during a conversation with the last friend loyal to him it transpires that his dad was an alcoholic and never provided any affection to him, he clearly has been damaged by this. At the very bottom of his desperation he destroys completely the family flat in a scene which reminded me of Coppola's "The Conversation" very last scene, but this is the most jarring because it is pure rage unprompted by an external threat.

The last part of the film is very unconvincing, Ray intercepts Val in the way to Janette's flat, where she is taking refuge, and they have a conversation, relatively civil, in which Val makes it clear she wants to find somebody else that really loves her. Why Ray isn't in jail after the beating is a mystery at this point, but the end is even more ludicrous, we see the family joking affably in the rebuilt flat, like if Ray has managed to become a reformed character. Sorry, but this really didn't feel well thought out.

In parallel to all of the above Bill continues to have drug problems that eventually lands him in jail, where we last see him doing drugs.

The film has many elements to be commended for, the acting is incredible, the characters feel raw an real, not relatable at all though, but that is perhaps a bridge too far for some spectators, the ending is poorly managed and contrived, the film deserved better than the inexplicable happy ending we see and that brings it down a massive notch on my appreciation because it is not believable.

Rating: 3.5/5

60 of 168

Date: 15 November 2022

Venue: BFI Southbank

The list of films in the LFF 2022

[writertitan]

have you eve done the fluff alphabet before? They can be kind of long but I'd love to hear your thoughts on Levi!

this is so cute, i’ve never done a fluff alphabet! this is the one i’ve seen go around by @snk-warriors​ (so cute thank u for sharing)

A ctivities - What do they like to do with their s/o? How do they spend their free time with them?

I think Levi is the type of partner who starts up a new hobby with a partner as a way of bonding with them. Like, the two of you just get super into candle-making together lmao. I think he’d want to spend most of his free time with his partner, even if it’s just in comfortable silence. He really appreciates feeling safe with his person and relishes in the mundane.

B eauty - What do they admire about their s/o? What do they think is beautiful about them?

I’ll say it before and I’ll say it again. Levi doesn’t really have a physical type. He really pays attention to people’s character first. He would really admire how his partner is constantly trying to be their best self, and admires their strength, and he thinks it’s beautiful that they can see the good in life, because it helps him see the good in life too. He would absolutely love the most random parts of your body, though. Maybe it’s your cheekbones, maybe it’s the shape of your hands. Something that he thinks is so unique to you.

C omfort - How would they help their s/o when they feel down/have a panic attack etc.?

Levi is not a man of many words a lot of the time, but he is a man of action. If his partner is feeling down in any way, he’s there physically to help you through it. Over time, he makes little mental notes of what seems to help and what doesn’t, so that he can continue doing the things that help you and stop doing the things that don’t. If you prefer just being held for a while, no talking, he catches on quickly and offers himself up. If you need to talk, he listens and makes sure you know you’re the only thing in the world he’s paying attention to at that moment. He’ll know how you’ve calmed yourself down in the past, before he was in the picture, and takes up that ritual himself. Did you make yourself some mac and cheese to cheer yourself up in the past? He knows the recipe now, too. Very action-based man.

D reams - How do they picture their future with their s/o?

Levi, especially canon Levi, has trouble envisioning any sort of long-term future for himself. He’s just living his life one day at a time and pushing through. However, with a partner in his life, he indulges himself with little visions of the future. Things like marriage, children, are blurry wishes to him tbh, not out of the question but things that he won’t allow himself to indulge in. They’re kind of a given if you’re serious, and that’s enough to satisfy him. But near-future things are things he often thinks about. He wants to live with his partner, wants to think about how they’ll spend their next anniversary, he often thinks about what you both will be doing together for the holidays. Those futures comfort him immensely.

E qual - Are they the dominant one in the relationship, or rather passive?

I think it is actually rather equal with Levi. He has so much baggage of his own, that a partner willing to share the load would make him feel really safe. But, I think he’d subconsciously be more of the dominant figure. He dedicates himself to his loved ones, and would do anything for them, and his partner would feel that tenfold.

F ight - Would they be easy to forgive their s/o? How are they fighting?

Levi definitely is an, “I’m too old for this shit” type of guy when it comes to fights with his partner lmfao. He’s not about the dramatics of fighting. I don’t think he’d really ever yell at his partner or vice versa. The fights would have a snarky energy - I can see him snapping at his partner sometimes, or making an infamous sarcastic remark when he’s irritated - but Levi would honestly rather just discuss the problem bluntly and get it out of the way. But my god, the man wouldn’t back down until it was all cleared up.

G ratitude - How grateful are they in general? Are they aware of what their s/o is doing for them?

SO GRATEFUL. I think Levi would be so thankful to have his partner in his life. He knows he’s a tough nut to crack, so having someone finally get through to him is scary but wonderful. He sees everything you do for him and I think he’d honestly be so emotional about even the littlest things, because he’s so used to taking care of everyone else. It’s almost uncomfortable for him to know that someone is unconditionally loving him, but he’s grateful he has that love. Never takes it for granted.

H onesty - Do they have secrets they hide from their s/o? Or do they share everything?

Per the above, Levi is a tough nut to crack, and I think it would take a really, really long time to fully open him up. Like, a really long time. Honestly, he may not ever completely open up about his past because it can be so dark, but that doesn’t mean that he would actively keep secrets from you. If anything, his partner would know him the best out of everyone. While he may keep some stuff about his past in the dark, everything else is no secret. He’ll tell you about his day, about what’s going on with his friends, all that good stuff.

I nspiration - Did their s/o change them somehow, or the other way around? Like trying out new things or helped them overcome personal problems?

I think Levi with a partner would be a little softer, and a little more optimistic. I also think a big thing that Levi would change would be his ability to compromise (because I think it’s hard for him to compromise). He’d definitely be a lot happier and kinder to himself with a partner around. And, in private, he’d allow himself to be more vulnerable and actually show his emotions. Levi is a pretty level-headed person as well, and I think he would pass that trait on to his partner.

J ealousy - Do they get jealous easily? How do they deal with it?

Levi is not a jealous person, but he’s very protective of his partner!! This is the hill I die on!!! He is always looking out for you, so if someone does hit on you, he watches to see how you react. If it’s funny to you, it’s funny to him, but if it’s creepy to you, then he’s already cracking his knuckles.

K iss - Are they a good kisser? What was the first kiss like?

I don’t want to roast this lovely man but I don’t think he’d be a great kisser at first LMAO. He’s so not used to being loved. Levi is touch-starved, confirmed on Tanny’s blog. I think the first kiss is okay at best, definitely awkward, and Levi definitely doesn’t really know what to do. He’s a quick learner, though. He’s a good kisser in no time, after learning how you like to be kissed, and after finally getting him to believe it’s okay to be affectionate.

L ove Confession - How would they confess to their s/o?

I picture it as word vomit (Levi’s version of word vomit tho, which is like, a couple of sentences). He’d confess his feelings for you once he just can’t physically keep the words in anymore. He’d definitely fight against it for a while but then the word vomit happens. I think, specifically, his first “I love you” would be quite intimate and very quiet, just a whisper in your ear when he finally realizes it. Realizing he loves you would be much easier for him than realizing he has feelings for you, so he wouldn’t even hesitate with saying it first, the sweet boi.

M arriage - Do they want to get married? How do they propose? What would the marriage be like?

I don’t think Levi had ever considered marriage before meeting you. But after meeting you, that would likely change if you wanted to get married. He’d want to spend his life with his partner, and whether that means marriage or not, it doesn’t quite matter to him. Just the promise of being together is good enough for him. If the two of you do decide to get married, it’s no frills. Tbh, there’s no elaborate proposal from Levi, but he makes sure that he formally asks you and that it’s special to the two of you. Maybe he’d ask you at the place you first met/kissed/etc. The marriage itself would be just as lovely and peaceful as the relationship with him beforehand. Not much changes, except both you and Levi acknowledge there’s an added commitment as spouses. I think both of you would really cherish your new titles as spouses.

N icknames - What do they call their s/o?

Levi doesn’t strike me as the type to give their S/O nicknames like babe, baby, etc. but I’m sure he’d have a specific nickname that only he uses for you. Other than that, just calling his partner by their name is enough.

O n Cloud Nine - What are they like when they are in love? Is it obvious for others? How do they express their feelings?

Levi’s quite the stoic man, so while he presents that way to the rest of the world, his loved ones can actually see the difference between an “in love” Levi vs. a “not in love” Levi. It’s not that it’s a huge difference, he’s just softer somehow, and there’s more peace within his eyes, and he even smiles more. Levi’s not a huge fan of PDA, so he’s not prone to showing a lot of affection in front of others. In private, it’s a different story. Once he gets comfortable with affection, he’s more receptive and more giving. In front of others, he’s more comfortable holding hands or putting his hand on your back. He may not be a fan of PDA, but his eyes are on you frequently, and anyone who catches him looking at you can see how much he loves his partner.

P DA - Are they upfront about their relationship? Do they brag with their s/o in front of others? Or are they rather shy to kiss etc. when others are watching?

Like I said above, not a fan of PDA. Doesn’t mean Levi’s secretive about his relationship at all. He’s proud to have his partner and proud to talk about his partner when the topic comes up. He’d be quite shy/uncomfortable kissing in front of others. Maybe not a fan of kisses on the lips, but he’d be more okay with forehead kisses, cheek kisses, etc.

Q uirk - Some random ability they have that’s beneficial in a relationship.

Levi is so protective over his partner don’t @ me, and it just also means he’s naturally more attentive. He’d notice if your mood changes, he’d notice if something was “off” with you, he’d definitely remember you mentioning wanting something in passing and then gift it for your birthday/Christmas/a random Tuesday like MONTHS later. Memory of an elephant and more tuned into emotions than people give him credit for.

R omance - How romantic are they? What would they do to make their s/o happy? Cliché or rather creative?

Again, not overtly romantic. Levi is a straightforward person, very practical, and very simple. But he’d give his partner the moon if he could. He believes in making things special, though, so I think he would actually put some thought/creativity in romantic actions rather than going for something cliché.

S upport - Are they helping their s/o achieve their goals? Do they believe in them?

Oh absolutely. Levi is so supportive of his S/O and is happy to help with achieving any goal. He truly believes you can do whatever you put your mind to. You could lean on Levi for help with anything. He’s not one to make fun of your dreams. He’d just give his best advice and help you get a move on.

T hrill - Do they need to try out new things to spice out your relationship? Or do they prefer a certain routine?

Levi definitely prefers routine. He’s a simple man with simple pleasures, and his whole life has been quite unpredictable, so he really loves the simple things in your relationship. Loves your morning routine, your night routine, loves weekly date nights. Of course, he’d enjoy trying new things with his partner, but he legitimately can’t get enough of what other might see as “mundane” parts of a relationship, because he thought he’d never get to experience that.

U nderstanding - How good do they know their partner? Are they empathetic?

Levi knows his S/O like the back of his hand. He wants to know everything about them but is also respectful if it takes time for you to open up. He can be empathetic, but it takes time for him to get there tbh. He would be uncomfortable with blatant emotional conversations at first, just give him time. He just wants you to be comfortable with him at the end of the day and vice versa.

V alue - How important is the relationship to them? What is it’s worth in comparison to other things in their life?

Levi’s S/O is so goddamn lucky tbh. He would never, ever take his partner for granted. He’s slow to get the hang of a serious relationship, that’s true, but he’s always trying his hardest to make the relationship be as good as it is. The best part is that Levi doesn’t lose himself in a relationship, however. He values his partner and prioritizes them, but you’d never catch yourself in a codependent relationship with this man. He wants you to be your own person and he wants that for himself, too. You’re one of his most important relationships, if not the most important one, but he understands that you are your own person and he is his own person.

W ild Card - A random Fluff Headcanon.

Levi wears a ring with your initials carved on the inside.

X OXO - Are they very affectionate? Do they love to kiss and cuddle?

In public, again, not the most blatantly affectionate. In private, he’s more into it. He loves having his arms around you or vice versa. He just likes having the warmth of his partner there, doesn’t need to be something very sexual or very physical.

Y earning - How will they cope when they’re missing their partner?

Levi would be more irritable if he’s without his S/O for some time imo. Have a week long trip you have to go on? He misses you more and more with each passing day, and he gets bitchier with each passing day. He does take it out on everyone else (poor fellas). If he’s not pissy, he’s otherwise quiet and just focuses on his own stuff until he sees you again.

Z eal - Are they willing to go to great lengths for the relationship? If so, what kind of?

Levi is extremely protective of his S/O and would literally put his life on the line for them. He’s kind of dramatic in that way, but he would rather suffer in your place any day. He would do anything for his partner.