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What will S Tord do when he learns that R Tord slept with his Tom? Love the blog!❤️😘
cw: Slight suggestive talk (I just talk about safewords idk Im ace shut up ruskdnfe)
I really doubt STom would let it go that far, sure he might let RTord get a little bit spicy with him but he would DEFINITELY feel that something is off from there. His Tord is just as much of a perv as RTord is, but his brand of degeneracy has a respectful flavor to it, yknow?? The kind of degeneracy with a safeword.
RTord does not know their safeword, his husband always asks him if he remembers it whenever they start getting intimate, STom would ABSOLUTELY start clocking on that this man is NOT his husband.
Though, even so, just the fact that he got far enough would probably lead STord to initiate a smack down and boy howdy, RTord is in the body of an ailing old man right now and STord is NOT afraid to exacerbate his disabilities.
He will ABSOLUTELY throw down with a crippled man and right now?? He’s a decade younger and his bones dont hurt LETS GO WEABOO BITCH
#asks#blueengineercherryblossom#regimen ao3#ew stay au#The Conference Table#also TY hahaha sorry its sorta dead on my content rn#as I am battling the climate of a country not my own#Also you don’t date someone for years and not know all the subtle facets that makes them THEM#Like my ex was somebody I dated for maybe a year#and even THEN I would be able to tell them apart from an imposter#its the ~vibes~ you feel me? lmao#STom: [squints] you’re a lot more confident today love#RTord: Oh? Well thank you#STom:….too confident…..*secretly powers up gun*#also I dont think its that suggestive??#I’m violently ace so any mention of sex gets tagged riskdjf IDK??#I just talk about safewords in this ask so it implies sex thats it#idk dont hit me HRHAJSJF
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So I know absolutely nothing about Leverage except what I've been seeing you post lately and I have to admit you're making it look tempting to watch! Can I ask what are some of your favorite things about the show/reasons you would suggest people watch it? And is there really a poly relationship that is canon?
Okay. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. I am going to do my best not to just “asdfghkjl” at you and answer coherently.
In a nutshell, Leverage is about 5 people. 4 are criminals (Parker, Hardison, Eliot and Sophie) with different and unique skill-sets and 1 is an ex-insurance investigator (Nate) who, at one point or another in his career, has tracked down (or at least attempted to) the other 4. The whole show is essentially: man reluctantly reforms 4 criminals to use their criminal powers for good and 4 criminals move into man’s life and stubbornly refuse to leave because, goddammit, now they have morals.
I’ve got a lot of favourite things about the show but the main ones are as follows:
1. Found family. And I’m not talking about loners who come together to fight crime and happen to co-exist to the point where they realise they happen to have found themselves a family. I mean, Nate and Sophie are the Drunk Uncle and Wine Aunt who somehow become Mom and Dad to 3 beautiful criminal children. Mom and Dad love their criminal babies and the kids love them (as well as each other, but we’ll come to that in a moment). You get amazing family moments such as: Mom and Dad packing the kids lunch before sending them out to kick corporate greed’s ass; Mom and Dad giving the kids ridiculously expensive and personal Christmas presents causing their most Grumpy Kid to go very very quiet and soft as he runs off to gleefully play with his new murder toy; the kids interrupting Mom and Dad’s big Movie Style Kiss to ask if they can please keep their new underground layer and huffing and puffing when Dad tells them no.
2. Found family: the OT3 edition. To answer your question, the OT3 is indeed canon, confirmed by the creator. Now, usually, “confirmed by the creator” infuriates me because most of the time it’s a way for a creator to be seen as “progressive” without doing anything to actually be progressive. That isn’t the case here. The OT3 are built up carefully and while it is obvious the creators didn’t originally intend for all 3 of them to become a relationship in the romantic sense, by mid-season 5 we are given a very clear picture of where Parker, Hardison and Eliot are heading in their relationship. There aren’t any kisses at the end to signal this but there are solid marriage vows in not only one but two episodes. (And by marriage vows I mean literal equivalents of marriage vows: “for better or worse” and “’til death do us part”. I’m not even exaggerating). The OT3 also doesn’t need explicit romantic narratives to convey how much they love each other. Their love is laced through the whole show, from the way they teach each other things to the way they respond to each other and work as a unit. The way they fiercely protect and admire each other. Like someone once said, if you need characters to kiss or say I love you to let the audience know they love each other, you are writing them wrong.
Aside from that, each of the parings in the OT3 are just. Gah. They are so well done, with friendship being the solid basis for them all. The creators never expect the audience to assume anything about them or fill in the gaps. They give us their relationships on screen and reference many things off-screen to show us how these relationships continue to build in between episodes.
Hardison and Parker are a canon couple and date in the show: it’s approached slowly and they are so goddamned sweet. They are basically every fluffy slow-burn trope with a healthy dash of mutual pining in the mix. They are basically that quote “love is patient, love is kind”. (I would like to add their romance never becomes the focus of the show or overrides the importance of any other relationship they have with the other characters, especially Eliot.)
Hardison and Eliot are the Old Married Couple and from day one are already bickering and looking at each other/making comments that are found in every UST fic ever (not to mention Hardison has a very good knack for making Eliot grin like a little kid, when usually he’s basically an Angry Little Chef Man). They argue, they play, and love each other plain as day.
Parker and Eliot are more subtle but every bit as wonderful. They have an unspoken connection and understand each other on a level no-one else can. Parker and Eliot are not good with giving themselves over to affection for different reasons (and Hardison plays a central role in helping them realise it’s okay to want it and have it- that boy has endless patience) but there is something so beautiful in the way the two of them come together on their own and develop their own special bond that works for them. Parker and Eliot are that trope where the characters don’t need to speak to understand each other perfectly. They just do. Their love language is a lot of the time non-verbal but speaks volumes. (Parker also likes to annoy the hell out of Eliot and Eliot....just.....lets...her. Because he’s soft. The softest, grumpiest boy.)
I could go into so much depth for each pairing and their dynamics as a 3 but that's for another post.
3. Subverting stereotypes. There is the occasional hiccup in the show regarding stereotypes but ultimately, Leverage gets an A+ when it comes to writing characters and making them 3 dimensional people who are not defined by certain characteristics or events. Nate could so easily fall into the White Man Pain trope where he uses the trauma of losing his kid as a reason as to why he is entitled to act like a dick. Nate is a dick but he doesn’t use his pain to excuse it and I appreciate that. Hardison is a black man who is soft and nurturing. Easily the most empathetic and patient of the group. He’s nerdy, an actual genius, and has the biggest heart of all the characters. Nate is maybe the glue but Hardison is definitely the heart. Media’s usual aggressive, amongst other, racist stereotypes can fuck right off. Parker is canonically autistic (I am sure this was confirmed by one of the creators) and she is not defined by it. It’s not written as some kind of singular personality trait. It’s part of what makes up Parker but it’s only one facet of who she is and not once is her actions, thoughts or feelings treated like a joke. Sometimes people don’t understand why she does and says the things she does but it’s met with patience and fondness over the course of the show. Equally, it’s not met with over-caution. Parker is just Parker. No-one tries to change her. The other nice thing is Hardison, who always makes sure Parker knows she’s amazing because of who she is and not in spite of it. Finally, Sophie is in her 40s. She’s not treated like she’s past her prime. Ever. She’s sexy, smart and never is she pitted against or compared to Parker (who is younger) for anything. Sophie is amazing and there’s never even a conversation of “I may be older but I am still *insert adjective typically associated with younger women here*”. Sophie is possibly the first female character I’ve ever seen who isn’t just unapologetic about her age but has never had to apologise for her age. It’s a non-issue and that’s that. The women on the show are written so well, right down to secondary characters and it’s beyond refreshing.
4.) It’s just fun. The show has a “monster of the week” type format. Except instead of a ghoul or a ghost, the monster is some corrupt wealthy and powerful individual or organisation. The show draws on real-life individuals to do this and therefore closely parallels real-life people and events. It addresses important political, economical, social and environmental issues while at the same time remaining fun and light-hearted. The characters constantly get the chance to play dress up and by GOD do they have fun with it. You get to watch Eliot beat up bad guys in the most delightful of ways, usually after a witty non-sequitur and with a weapon you’d never think could be a weapon. The dialogue and back and forth between the characters is everything. And finally - my favourite thing- the team can never resist striking a dramatic pose after they’ve taken down the bad guy, making sure the bad guy sees them. I mean, they COULD just walk away, satisfied they’ve taken the person down, but nope. They gotta be dramatic bitches 24/7 and pose like they are models for every single month of this year’s Criminal Calendar.
5.) Competence Porn. So. Much. Competence Porn.
Honestly, I could list a thousand reasons for why Leverage is amazing but to list them would to be spoiling so many amazing moments you’d get to discover for the first time on your own if you do choose to watch it. It’s the kind of show you can watch with an eagle-eye and sink your teeth into. But it’s also the kind of show if, you would prefer, put on in the background for something entertaining while you do something else. Each episode is about the job at hand but it’s made up of so many moments between the characters that show how much the creators and writers care about them. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll do whatever it is you do when something Soft and Wonderful happens that makes your heart melt. I am so beyond grateful for Leverage. It’s everything I always wanted in a show. Nearly every show I’ve watched in the past 10 years has disappointed me in some way, usually either because the writers run out of steam or characters who I love are treated poorly or given some kind of unnecessary “shock value” arc. Leverage doesn’t do that. Leverage is what it says on the bottle. Fandom isn’t something I joined because I needed canon fix-its. Fandom only enhances and celebrates an already excellent canon.
#leverage#leverage ot3#parker#alec hardison#eliot spencer#sophie devereaux#nate ford#talk leverage to me
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Well, here it is
It’s been a long time coming, and after waking up today with the adrenaline rush gone, I was left with a pit of dread that is still present as I type this. Gabriel has done...immense damage to me and so, so many others in the community.
I offer you a prologue before I go into detail.
Finding these details isn’t pretty. It’s painful, and I will be quite frank that this is a degree of social suicide for me in this community. I come from a lucky position; I’m not one of the individuals here that can lose everything. That I can stand here and the worst I’ll get is online hatred is a fucking privilege. It’s genuinely heartbreaking that some people have to weigh speaking out with keeping their friends, safe space, and source of income.
What I present here isn’t flattering of me in many circumstances. I fully accept that I might look like a jackass in some of these screenshots just like Gabriel, and I’ve made my peace with that. I haven’t doctored anything, though people will tell me my information is old. As far as I’m concerned, Gabriel has done little to no growth from when we last spoke.
What you make of this is up to you, but I hope this helps someone. If it helps just one person, it has been worth all the stress and anxiety. I do not intend to accept any apologies because I have been to fucking THERAPY for this shit.
CONTENT WARNING FOR SOME SCREENSHOTS: NSFW ITEMS BEING PURCHASED ARE MENTIONED
Perhaps the most pervasive element of my relationship with Gabriel was feeling....very guilty over things out of my control. His methods of guilt tripping are very subtle, though I feel like these express it the best.
I would like you to examine how very, very quickly I go into fawning over Gabriel and guiltily apologizing for stuff either out of my control or the things I do for fun. The pet names should be enough to tell you this is when we were dating.
And if you think this is my only example. Ha. Haaaa.
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For context around this time period - I was needed for helping my Grandma with basically everything, and my Dad was also getting steadily more and more sick with what turned out to be liver failure. He has now since passed, but I was having to shoulder a lot, and Gabriel knew this.
And now to something less guilt-tripping and moreso just...about him shutting down my interests until he decided he liked them.
(I eventually reversed this decision until I blocked him on all my blogs, so I did try to give him the benefit of the doubt)
Could he be better now? Sure, but I don’t know that, and the fact this happened all through our relationship is just...gross.
Eventually I did reach a breaking point and say something so it WAS addressed but. I was stressed about saying anything at all in the first place.
“Oh this is just old relationship stuff though, who cares?”
If you’d like to disregard all of that and just say Gabriel has grown as a person (And for the sake of people around him I damn well hope so), okay. That’s your choice. But this is just one facet.
Yeah. Gabriel is a fucking scammer, or at the very least criminally stupid with how he spends his money.
Y’know those posts where he says he needs food money? I understand that people deserve to purchase things for their own enjoyment, and I would never want to deny someone that. However, Gabriel’s impulse purchases are...deeply concerning. CONTENT WARNING: ONE OF THESE TALKS ABOUT NSFW THINGS BEING PURCHASED
(Convo is a bit choppy bc I cut out personal details about the both of us that need not be aired) I genuinely tried to help him. I wanted so badly to believe he’d gotten better, and then I heard he bought a $300 tablet and immediately turned to tumblr for funds again.
It’s...sad.
NSFW WARNING AHEAD
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Also, if you’re still waiting on a commission from 2+ years ago
Yeah, just ask for a refund. He doesn’t keep an Actual List anywhere from what I know.
While I wish I could go into design theft, that’s not something that’s happened to me, at least not from what I can recall. It’s not my place to speak on that, but there’s so, so many others.
I didn’t include certain things here, as I didn’t find them compelling enough. It’s long enough as is, and I am very tired. I’ve worked on and off on this for roughly 10 hours.
Please approach Gabriel with caution, hold him accountable, and keep yourselves safe. Those who count themselves as his friends, read all of this and ponder it. And if you have words for me, hey, whatever. Inbox is right there.
I’m just tired.
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11, 14 and 19 gimme your salt, deliver it to me yum
SALTY ASK MEME
11. Is there an unpopular character you like that the fandom doesn’t? Why?
I mean.. Heidegger? Haha. And that is mostly your fault. Like I said, I liked him because I always like a good villain (and a tall guy in a uniform) but YOU really made me love him. I keep surprising random people by mentioning him in the same breath as canon characters. Why?? Because he’s super interesting!! And I love that dichotomy of him being all scary dangerous powerful man and pathetic broken lapdop at the same time. You made him such a multi-faceted character I learn new things every day <3
I’m not sure I know the fandom well enough to be able to tell who is unpopular and who isn’t. Outside the RPC I always felt that Rude was a bit unpopular and I really love him (before Remake came out, I suppose). I just love this bad boy with a golden heart thing he’s got going on. And I absolutely LOVE his relationship with Reno. This partners now and forever / parabatai trope always gets me. And he’s so mysterious too! I wish we knew more about him. At the same time I enjoy making up my own ideas about him :D Roche seems unpopular actually??? And I absolutely ADORE him. I’d pay extra money to have him in the Remake Part 2. I love everything about him; the way he talks, the way he just goes fuck my job I like this blonde boy I’ll help him because he’s MINE to fight? He’s straight out of One Piece and I’m so here for it.
Can’t really think of anyone else!
14. Unpopular opinion about your fandom?
You know what seems to be an unpopular opinion around here? That everyone’s really good at their portrayal and at writing. I see so many posts by people being anxious about their writing and their particular portrayals EVERY DAY and I just sit here not getting it at all. You’re all so fantastic and talented and dedicated and passionate. What’s stopping you from seeing it yourselves? Sorry if that wasn’t salty enough for you, but wait for the next question, Han.
19. What is the one thing you hate most about your fandom?
The same I hate in all the fandoms I was in: the ship hate. It’s kind of subtle here, compared to other fandoms I’ve been in, but it’s there. Everyone is entitled to an opinion on any ship, everyone is free to hate what they want, I honestly don’t care if you hate all my OTPs. As long as you stay polite about it. I’m a little worn down from my previous fandom and probably extra touchy I suppose, but I just find making public posts calling people strange / sick / deranged because they ship something you don’t ship, really fucking unnecessary and rude. ESPECIALLY when you then tag it with the characters and/or ship. Just, don’t do that, bro. Don’t be like that. Don’t like it? Don’t follow those people. Don’t look at the tag. Blacklist it. Maybe stop being a baby. I understand if a ship makes someone genuinely UNCOMFORTABLE (because age gap, familial relation of any sort, dubious con/sent, you name it - there are plenty of things that make people uncomfortable) that they want to really not see it. But if it’s just something you dislike I find it a bit dramatic to treat it like the demon plague that needs to be exorcised from existence.
Actually I find the shipping culture here (and in other fandoms) wild in general at the moment.
I grew up during a time where fandom meant watch canon, ignore canon and write your own stuff inspired by canon. The ships we loved were never the canon ones and no one had delusions about them ever becoming canon. Ever. We all knew Harry would never bone Draco; we knew Aragorn would marry Arwen and not Legolas; we knew Naruto and Sasuke kissed because fanservice but they wouldn’t end up a couple. Therefore no one was weirdly offended when someone wrote a non-canon ship (in RP or fanfic), as if it was suddenly competition for the canon one?? Like, what world do you live in? This is FANON, RP, FANFIC. It’s not REAL. I mean none of it is real, but this is even LESS real than canon. Nothing that happens here is in any way a threat to canon, so why get offended over it? Also let’s put a general ban on hating m/m ships because they’re “erasing female muses” - no, they don’t. They all exist in our bullshit plane of fan creation, on the same level. Let’s stop hating f/m ships because they “get in the way” of your fave m/m ship - this makes no sense. The existence of one ship does not make another one less valid. I can ship Rufus with Tseng, Reno, Scarlet, Reeve and Heidegger in 5 different verses and love them all equally and it literally has no impact on anyone except me and my rp partners. And if another Rufus decides to ship Ru only with female muses, that has no impact on me and my ships. Neither of us have any impact on canon. Please just stop.
Let’s stop acting as if older characters/people can’t fall in love or have sex. Let’s stop as if age gaps are a wild bizarre thing that never happens anywhere ever. Look at your grandparents (or even parent generation I guess) generation - I bet you’ll find a LOT of at least 10 year age gaps. Are you disgusted by your grandparents/parents? [That being said, let’s please normalize women dating younger men as much as it’s normal if an older guy dates a younger woman. But that’s not a fandom problem, that’s a general society issue.] Let’s stop calling someone homophobic because they choose to play their muse straight. Not writing everyone as queer does not equal homophobia. Let’s stop acting as if people who write a lot of smut are somehow worse rpers than people who write little or no smut. At the same time let’s normalize not wanting to write smut. It’s not a requirement and not everyone likes it !!! Just talk to your partners and make sure everyone is comfortable and having fun with whatever you’re doing !! Stop judging each other and being so mean to each other, it’s awful.
Stop hating so much. Focus more on what you love and less on what you hate and you’ll immediately make life easier for you and for others.
It’s just shipping. Fictional fantasy shipping. It’s not worth getting so hateful over.
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For the fic ask meme, 4, 16, 24, or 28
I will answer 16 now, because No Reason, Just Whimsy, but stay tuned as I’ll probably end up answering 4, 24 and 28 at some point anyway, because like. No Reason, Just Whimsy. *Shrugs*
16. If you only could write one pairing for the rest of your life, which pairing would it be?
I can’t tell you, see, because I would simply make that one pairing endgame and everything else leading up to it like, contain all the other ships I could not bear to be without. (Hahahaha this is why I could never be a romance author, I can not abide by the rules of HEA or HFN in relationship stories to save my LIFE). So, y’know, SPOILERS.
No but also I’m completely aware that this is cheating and not the point of the question. But I can not choose though, that is the point, like, have you met me? I am the original poster child for ADHD. I’m THAT old.
So instead I will simply say that in the realm of Teen Wolf, Scanny is very very very important to me, which like, surprises no one. But also I would still fight someone who tried to take either Scira or Scallison from me, I remain obnoxiously fond of Scackson’s potential, and I’m still out here being like, the sole Scosh (Scott/Josh Diaz) shipper in all the land, I’m pretty sure, lmfao.
And I mean, also there’s Scyle, of course. I could never give up the Scyle.
As far as Marvel goes, like, I am going to be riding the high of Bobby/Christian being canon for quite some time, as anyone who has known me long knows that I have been shipping this ship since Christian was first introduced and then written offstage like two issues later….seventeen years ago.
(I have a lot of issues with straight writers making gay characters’ gay-specific tragedies and traumas like….someone ELSE’S angsty back story, while they themselves are just shuffled off the page and considered irrelevant. For those who don’t know, Christian is Emma Frost’s gay older brother who she adored and when their father had Christian institutionalized against his will because he was gay, this was what made Emma break away from the rest of her family for good and set her on the road to becoming the White Queen of the Hellfire Club.
And then, despite like, this being life-defining for her, not a single writer in the next fifteen damn years ever thought to ask themselves…..hmmm, why would Emma Frost, one of the most powerful telepaths in the world and someone whose personal morality in no way makes her above using those powers, her wealth or Hellfire resources however she damn well pleases in the name of protecting herself, those she cares about, and advancing her agendas…..why would this woman who has never let anything stand in the way of what she cares about before like….simply just…never once in all the years since she was a teenager think to herself….hmm, what if I simply go to the institution where my beloved brother is kept against his will, and just…..made them release him?)
So, aside from always thinking Bobby/Christian would be a great ship with amazing potential given Bobby’s unique history and dynamic with Christian’s sister and the fact that Christian shares a lot of the same traits, backstory and other elements that make Emma an amazing and multi-faceted character and he’s just been sitting there in Limbo for fifteen years with all this untapped potential just waiting to be mined….
I’m always going to be gleeful about this ship and with a special fondness for Sina Grace for bringing Christian back from comic book Limbo and laying the foundation for this ship, like, just because like……I feel its long overdue and the only way to ACTUALLY make anything decent out of the bullshit that was mining his oppression for the sake of another character’s angst: by finally giving HIM the chance to be a character who is affected by all that, developed and moved forward from all of that, is the FOCUS of all that…..and even more importantly, now after being left offscreen for fifteen years by writers who considered his narrative nothing more than tragic filler….he finally has a chance to be an example of a gay character who gets to come BACK from all of that and move FORWARD from it, and like…find healing and happiness with another character, like Bobby.
So Bobby/Christian is actually hugely important to me for a variety of reasons, especially right now since this is all just happening recently, and I will love them forever and in defiance of the inevitable bullshit some future writer pulls that will piss me the hell off. Y’know, just going off of Vegas odds or whatever.
Aside from Bobby/Christian I’ve also always had a weakness for Bobby/Johnny Storm because they are the most iconic ice and fire characters out there and I am basically twelve. I also have blogged at length in the past about all the reasons I’m a huge fan of Bobby/Bishop and not just because their ship name would make them a literal bop. Again, I refer you to the thing where I’m basically twelve. But yeah, there’s a whole history there where when Bishop first came back into the past and met the X-Men who’d all been legends in his time, he kinda fanboyed a little over Bobby because of Bobby’s future legend, and then was kinda like….oh, that’s it? about him once he got to know Bobby and Bishop became like, the physical embodiment of underwhelmed.
And ever since then Bobby’s always low key been like, a hyper-active puppy around Bishop, like, trying not to SEEM like he cares an awful lot about whether or not he’s managed to impress Bishop but because he can’t be subtle to save his life, mostly just coming across as “am I living up to the hype now? how about now? am I legendary NOW? What about now?” and I dunno. Its just kinda cute and a fairly unique dynamic, and Bishop has this deliberately bland, blink and you miss it sense of humor with the right writers and that I’ve always thought has a ton of potential for him to be privately amused by this tendency of Bobby’s, enough that he’s unwilling to confess to him that Bobby actually earned his respect years ago by this point, and he just doesn’t want to let Bobby know because then he’d stop.
And then in terms of DC, I’ve posted a lot a lot a loooooooooot about my love for Dick/Kory in canon, and how they - and by extension we - were robbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbed, and if DC doesn’t give me my canon Mar’i and Jake Grayson one of these days, I don’t care if they have to import them from another universe and then have this universe’s Dick and Kory awkwardly try to co-parent them while living their own lives separately before finally coming back together and falling in love all over again and then becoming a single united family unit forever and ever in the most ridiculously complicated comic book version of the Parent Trap ever, like…..
I can’t even think of an over-exaggerated threat creative enough to convey just how badly I want and need this, DC, give it to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee plzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
And then also, I’ve actually posted a lot a lot a loooooooooooot (though not in a few years, probably, so those posts are all super old, lol) about how I think Kyle and Donna are a criminally under-rated canon couple and were actually really really good together because they went through so much together and Kyle literally grew so much as a character specifically on the things Donna called him out for the first time they dated, like, literally so he could be BETTER, and then with how anticlimactically they ended...because the thing is, they never actually even broke up! It was this thing where like, when Donna went to LA with Kyle for his high school reunion and to literally MEET HIS MOM, like HELLO, that is not a basic relationship step, that is Advanced Dating, like…..that is where they were at in their relationship when Donna literally got the call then and there that her ex-husband and her son had just died in a car accident.
And Donna was devastated of course, and Kyle was devastated too - for her, and also in his own way, because he’d adored Robert and like, there were these issues where they were super cute and took him to the zoo together and Kyle was bonding with him and just like, melting over this kid, and Robert and Terry were killed by a drunk driver, and like, there was a later story where Kyle just went apeshit on this drunk driver he encountered because he had all these repressed feelings about Robert’s death and how it had hurt Donna and he’d made sure not to show any of that to her or even let on that he hurt for Robert’s loss in his own way, because he didn’t want to make it about him, he KNEW better…
And anyway, the point is…they never actually broke up in the sense of either of them at any point being all, oh we no longer love each other or think this can work, we need to end it. Instead, Donna said that she needed to take some time away from Kyle and everyone else and just…come to terms with what she’d lost and figure out who she even was now in the wake of that….and Kyle totally understood, didn’t argue or try and change her mind, he just said take as much time as you need, I’ll be here when you’re ready, and oh btw, here’s this lantern construct of a locket that I want you to keep because as long as it exists you’ll know that a part of me is still thinking about you and wanting you to be happy, wherever that is.
And then like…..less than a year later, DC did their super weird Dark Angel story where Donna was erased from reality and then had to be ‘recreated’ from Wally’s memories, and for awhile just existed in the form and identity she’d been recreated from, which was based entirely on what Wally knew of her and thought and felt about her, and so there were huge gaps in her identity where she was missing stuff she should have known but didn’t now because WALLY didn’t know about it.
Such as how when Donna met Kyle’s subsequent sorta-girlfriend Jade some time later - I say sorta because she and Kyle were still figuring things out at that stage, and Jenny-Lynn in part didn’t know if she wanted to actually get into a relationship with him because she thought he was still in love with Donna - well anyway, when Donna and Jenny-Lynn met in a later issue and she said all this to Donna, Donna reassured her not to worry about it, she was reading more into it than actually existed because she and Kyle had never been that serious anyway.
Which. SCREECH! Brakes please. HOLD UP.
Like, I’m sorry JAY FAERBER YES I REMEMBER IT WAS YOU WHO WROTE THAT ISSUE UGGGGGH, but like, in what UNIVERSE is “dated, broke up, then got back together later because she thought Kyle had matured a ton since they first tried dating and now they were so much stronger as a couple that she oh I dunno, introduced him to her son and they went on playdates together, went with him to meet his mom, had a never-vanishing lantern locket construct that signified just how much he would always love her” uh…..’never been that serious anyway’? I’m. What? Does not compute.
BUT WHATEVER.
LOL. Anyway, point is, so things like that actually make sense when you factor in the role Wally’s memories and perspective played in who Donna literally WAS for awhile (and the understandable existential crises she went through as a result). But like, at the point in time when Kyle and Donna were most serious, Kyle was still fairly removed from a lot of the rest of the DC universe, he wasn’t a core member of the JLA yet and usually operated independently, and he and Wally were NOT close at all yet, let alone friends….in fact, for as long as Donna and Kyle dated, Wally pretty much still actively hated and resented Kyle for just existing, since he’d always been close with Hal since he was a kid and Hal was his Uncle Barry’s BFF-and-homosexual-life-partner-in-all-but-name.
Like, it was only after Kyle became one of the core JLA alongside Wally that the two of them finally worked out their mutual antagonism and became friends, but before that, Wally was NOT shy about expressing he hated this new GL guy and wanted nothing to do with him, even though it was for unfair reasons, sooooo……like, its not really that shocking that even though Wally and Donna are two of each other’s oldest friends and super tight, like, he was never going to be the friend she called up to let him know how great things were going with her and Kyle these days, lol, y’know?
So it makes sense that when Donna was first magically reconstituted thanks to Wally’s memories/view of her (btw, this was because Wally was out of phase with reality and was in the Speed Force at the precise moment that Donna was erased from reality by the Dark Angel’s magic, and that’s why he alone remembered her and was the template for undoing what the Dark Angel had done). But anyway, it makes sense that she would for a time have had very little memory or even knowledge of her and Kyle’s prior relationship, and basically just know/remember what little Wally actually knew of it. So from her perspective then, it could very well have seemed that they were never that serious, and everyone but Kyle like….kinda just nodded and figured okay, you would know after all, and just…..everyone ended up walking away with the idea that they were just this brief fling and neither had ever had strong feelings for each other, let alone love.
The problem I’ve always had is that eventually Donna DID regain her full memories and her own sense of self, and like….she was Donna again, through and through, existing as she always had without being limited to just Wally’s view or memory of her.
Soooo, at THAT point, she should have been perfectly aware of what her and Kyle’s relationship had ACTUALLY looked like, in its entirety, and I mean, I can understand them not getting back together at that point. It’d been years, they both were in very different places, Kyle had eventually gotten together with Jade after it was expressed by Donna herself that there was no reason not to, given that its not like they were ever that serious….so by the time Donna herself would have realized otherwise, I can totally understand her feeling that the moment had passed for them, that Kyle had moved on (just as Kyle had only ‘moved on’ once he felt there was no longer a chance of them returning to what they were). Like, all of that is super weird and complicated even by ridiculous comic book soap opera standards, so I mean….lol, how do you even BEGIN that conversation, y’know?
Buuuuuut, it just kinda sucks that at no point after that Faerber issue has any later writer ever had either Donna or Kyle discuss their previous relationship(s) in terms of what it ACTUALLY was, for BOTH of them, rather than just this trivial, ancient history fling that neither had ever been super invested in….even though for several years in the nineties they were one of THE major hero couples in comic books.
So. Yeah. As evidenced, I have a lot of unresolved Donna and Kyle feelings lol.
And then of course, there are and always will be my epic “OMG DICK AND KYLE COULD BE THE GREATEST SHIP AND END ALL THE SHIPS LIKE COULD YOU EVEN IMAGINE” feelings, but like. That’s a thirty pound tome in and of itself, so. Like. Just picture the two of them standing staring soulfully into each other’s eyes and then me, creepily fixated on them twenty feet away, chin propped up on my hands and going awwwwwwww while my own eyes like, sparkle anime style but also are the heart-eyes motherfucker meme at the same time.
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A School Project as an Ode to Larry Kramer --32 Million and Counting
TLDR; This speech was a project for a Queer Studies class that I participated in. It is a speech in the form of Larry Kramer’s speech about AIDS activism in 1983 called “1,112 and Counting” I also wanted to bring into awareness what has changed in the 37 years since his original speech. The audience is meant to be the queer community, just like his was, but also to be open to those that would listen. Due to its nature, it encompasses public health, politics, humanity, and activism. I didn’t intend for this to be the case but as the project progressed we were diagnosed to be going through a pandemic much like that of what those in the 80s experienced. To this degree, I didn’t mean to scare but frustrate the reader, much like Larry Kramer. I wanted my speech to be uniquely mine, but be reminiscent of the effect that he garnered. I plan to post this to my Tumblrs LGBTQueeries and the-unending-kerfuffle as well as my Instagram @one_steph_from_death. I want to place this speech out into the world. Please feel free to reblog and share and comment and chat with me in the comments!
Larry Kramer started his count when the number was 1,112 and counting. In 1983. Think about that again. In 1983. Thirty-seven years ago. He screamed for help then, knowing full well we’d be obliterated as a group unless we stood up. He refused to be forced to die.
To frame this, a former entertainment star had been elected to the most powerful political seat in government. His staunch political and religious opinions led to the death of innocent people. He could have saved them by using his voice and asserting a need for research, laws, and education, but instead, let them die impoverished and discriminated against. If the hate and violent crimes didn’t get them, the sickness creeping in would.
Worst of all, as a community, we knew that he didn’t speak for us. We knew that this hate would kill us, yet we still remain silent. We remained silent as the hate trickled into the deepest pores of our community. We let the hate fester, building up and attaching to the difference among us until it finally separated us and dismantled us. We let the bigotry we so desperately try to run from infiltrate our ranks and break us apart into factions.
They were treated like lepers and untouchables (Barker & Cran, 2006). Hospital workers were nearly absent, just present enough to not be liable for neglect. Visitors were few and gay lovers, if they stayed, were sent away. Imagine that, slipping away in pain as you lose your vision and ability to breathe, your body starts deteriorating as it is filled with cancer and opportunistic infections. Alone. All alone.
And when you (inevitably) died your casket wasn’t lined in silk with cushions and roses. Yours was lined with plastic and biohazard material. Your brittle, thin body was crumpled up in the discarded sheets and hospital gowns and thrown into a garbage bag. No one was going to claim you, so no point in going to the morgue. Your toes, if you still had them, weren’t tagged, just set aside with all your other hospital belongings.
But the pain didn’t end there. Like the weekly garbage men, bags were taken to empty spaces and distributed into large, unmarked graves (Kilgannon. 2018). A secluded hole lost to history. A supposed bygone of the middle ages, but here to dispose of Jane and John Does.
If I was to scream like Larry Kramer, to these separated groups, I’d go hoarse within hours. As of 2018, 35 years after his speech, we have lost 32 million people to HIV/AIDS (CDC, 2020). That doesn’t include the people from the last 2 years.
We lost 32 million innocent people.
Yes, we lost gay men and IV drug users but they are still human. They still had the same dreams and aspirations as everyone else. They could have lived to be designers and playwrights just as well as becoming doctors and lawyers. We lost everyone one from, every walk of life. We lost painters, poets, magicians, musicians, surgeons, dentists, lawyers, physicians, firefighters, police officers, farmers, framers, parents, children. Their blood is on the hands of those that slowly took the life from them. The government is not free from their crimes.
But honestly, that’s not where the frustration and anger ends. Our history is being erased. Purposefully and eagerly. This situation that I’ve laid before your eyes seems to be that of 1983 and the pain of Ronald Reagan. The horror sounds painfully identical to what we deal with today.
Our current administration has continued some of these misinformed ideas and hateful actions. The Ryan White Fund, a fund specifically created to create a money source for HIV/AIDS research and treatment have received cutbacks and other plans set in motion like PEPFAR aren’t fairing well either. They are better in this term than in the past, but frankly, that’s not too comforting. This fund was the lifeblood for many organizations and they soon will be bled dry (Forsyth, n.d.). This does not take into account the other actions towards queer people in general. This takes into account only one facet of the government that is working against us. What about the judicial branch and the possibility to be tried for attempted murder for not disclosing your status to your partner (CDC, 2019)? It’s not like you have to do the same for other STIs. “On the count of giving chlamydia to your partner without disclosing your last date of testing, how does the jury find the defendant?” This doesn’t take into account the possibility you didn’t know of your own status.
And what if you wished to give blood? Say you’re gay and we’ll even go so far as saying you’re HIV-. They’d turn you away. They’d send you back for 12 months for not being able to prove you didn’t have sex with your male partner for 12+ months. May I remind you that lesbians and heterosexual men and women have gotten HIV and therefore can pass it along? This is possibly a law of Reagan’s 80s, but it’s still in effect TODAY (“LGBTQ Donors”, n.d.).
But I digress. The government is still not free from their crimes and institutionalized hate. I don’t wish to get too political but it is inevitable with the fact we’re all stuck in the past. Again, it’s not where my frustration lies.
My frustration is formed in the same disappointment that Larry Kramer had. In 37 years not much has changed and that the voice that we have as a community. We gained it with protests through organizations like ACT UP but we’ve apparently been diagnosed with laryngitis because we’ve become oddly silent. HIV/AIDS is not a disease of history. We haven’t cured the earth of this disease. It’s here and stuck to us like your legs to a hot vinyl seat. It affects everyone and intersectionality can increase your risk (CDC, 2019). There’s a reason it’s no longer called “Gay Related Immune Disease”. Yet where the hell are we?
It affects the young and the old. Yet we remain silent, pretending it’s not occurring.
We can blame it on the straight, cis majority but we are complicit in our own erasure, assimilation, and silencing.
We let our history fall by the wayside and be covered up with rainbows and pride flags used by businesses in marketing. We let our history be encapsulated by a month handed to us by the majority.
We let the atrocities that happened be forgotten along with many of the names.
We isolate those now that are HIV+ from queer-friendly functions, both blatantly and subtlely.
But most importantly we lost our gusto to fight for a better future for the generations that come after us. That’s what stings the most.
It’s important to remember that this disease is no longer a death sentence. You no longer have to feel the weight of shackles weighing you down towards the underworld. Provided, that is, you have insurance and can pay for your medications. But that is another government issue for another speech. With one pill a day, just like your Flintstones vitamins, you can live a normal life. You can date and with proper precautions, have sex and not pass it along to your partner. Undetectable = Untransmissable (UNAIDS, 2018).
While this may be a reality for us in our modern-day. I refuse to let those that sacrificed themselves for this cause be forgotten. We lost 32 million people and while I can’t list them all here or scream them to the heavens, I’ll damn well try. Those that came before us, despite their flaws, paved the way for us and I refuse to let them slip away because our government doesn’t like it. Join me in sharing the stories. If you want to see face to face, the humans that we lost, follow accounts like @theaidsmemorial on Instagram. End our silence. If it’s painful for you, imagine how it must feel for the friends and families of those that lost someone of the 32 million. They need your help to speak up.
We started this with 1,112 and counting. Now we’re at 32 million and counting. Let’s end the counting and start the protesting.
Works Cited
Barker, G., & Cran, W. (2006, May 30). Retrieved from https://www.pbs.org/wgbh/frontline/film/aids/
Centers for Disease Control. (2020, January 16). U.S. Statistics. Retrieved from https://www.hiv.gov/hiv-basics/overview/data-and-trends/statistics
Forsyth, A. D. (n.d.). Powerpoint presentation.
HIV and STD Criminal Laws. (2019, July 1). Retrieved from https://www.cdc.gov/hiv/policies/law/states/exposure.html
HIV by Group. (2019, October 25). Retrieved from https://www.cdc.gov/hiv/group/index.html
Kilgannon, C. (2018, July 3). Dead of AIDS and Forgotten in Potter's Field. Retrieved from https://www.nytimes.com/2018/07/03/nyregion/hart-island-aids-new-york.html
LGBTQ Donors. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.redcrossblood.org/donate-blood/how-to-donate/eligibility-requirements/lgbtq-donors.html
UNAIDS Explainer. (2018). UNAIDS Explainer. Retrieved from https://www.unaids.org/sites/default/files/media_asset/undetectable-untransmittable_en.pdf
#lgbtq#lgbtq community#lgbtpride#lgbt history#AIDS crisis#hiv aids#Larry Kramer#ACTUP#activism#school#project#coronovirus#horror#EJAF#Mercury Phoenix Trust#red ribbon#discrimination#lgbt rights#call to action#queer#queer pride#hiv/aids#ERASED HISTORY#history#protest
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Secret Agent Man
Summary: Sam and Natalie reunite in The Continental Hotel. Square Filled: Spy AU Warnings/Tags: Lotsa floofs, some sexiness Characters/Pairings: Sam Winchester/Natalie Murphy Word Count: 1,616 A/N: For @spnfluffbingo2019. Think John Wick, Sam and Natalie are spies/hitmen that have worked together for years. They’ve also competed for contracts, but always managed to leave things quite amorous between one another. Song: Secret Agent Man by Johnny Rivers
The speakeasy; alcohol at cost, ornate furniture, hazy air, and a wait staff available for your every vice. The Continental Hotel cut no corners. Nor should it. Not for the price paid by its clientele. If you needed to go into hiding for a week, the Continental had you covered. If you needed to blow off some steam—either by kicking the shit out of someone or fucking your brains out—the Continental had people at your disposal. If you were like Natalie Murphy, and all you needed was a stiff drink and some goddamn peace and quiet, they had the best liquor money could buy and nobody would bother you. And, so, Natalie sat in her wing-back leather chair, keen to be left alone as she drowned her last job in a sea of brown liquor. No negotiations. No meetings. No interruptions.
��Mind if I join you?”
Okay. Maybe one interruption. For his baritone, she could make an exception.
“That depends, Mr. Winchester. What do you—”
The heavy glass tumbler of scotch thumped to the table as Sam Winchester leaned over her shoulder. “You look ravishing, as always.” A tender kiss met her cheek and lingered before he parted from her.
If you wanted honest compliments, hours of conversation, long legs, hazel eyes, dimples for days, and sex you'd feel a week later, you called Sam Winchester. Not to mention he knew his way around a sniper rifle.
“Why, thank you, Sam. Good to see you in one piece, as always,” Natalie chimed. “What brings you back around, sweetheart?”
Sam rounded the tiny coffee table and took up a seat on a mismatched chaise, left elbow propped on the arm as he leaned towards her. The small lounge droned with hushed conversation and subtle music, and golden lamplight illuminated the gorgeous smile on his lips. Trim grey suit hugged his broad shoulders, narrowed at his hips, and elongated his already long legs. Despite the awkward seating, Sam sat regal as a king on the chaise, legs crossed, broad shoulders pulled back, and spine strait as an arrow.
Natalie consumed him, head to toe and back again when he remained silent. His devious grin warmed her belly much like her scotch, smooth as she swallowed it down her throat. She had missed something. Narrowed eyes and a sideways glare scrutinized his inquisitive smirk, but she found nothing in his soft gaze. Then her eyes snapped to his feet and there she found an obnoxious pair of ornate black brogues.
“Sam,” she sighed. “Really?”
“You know how I hate to ask,” he muttered into his drink. “Be a doll and give me a hand?”
Natalie leaned over the arm of her chair, her face inches from his. “What's in it for me?”
“The usual,” Sam started with a coy smirk, “money, revenge, networking, the chance to work with me again.”
She pouted, her bottom lip stuck out as she teased him. “I can get those things anywhere. And what makes you think I like working with you?”
Callused fingers curled her hair behind her ear, and Natalie gathered all her willpower not to react. “I recall a number of nights involving extra-curricular activities after completing a hit. I could refresh your memory if you join in my room tonight,” he said as his gaze fell to her lips for a heartbeat, then returned to her eyes. “We can go over the logistics of this mark, too.”
Nobody had a right to smile the way Sam Winchester smiled at her. “Logistics,” she breathed. “Right. Already got a plan?”
Sam nodded. “Almost. Needs another set of eyes on it before I'm comfortable.”
Despite her best effort, Natalie grinned. “Alright, Mr. Winchester. I think I can accommodate you.”
His pleased hum sang like the sweetest music. “Excellent. It will be quite thrilling to work with you again. You are the consummate marksman.”
Natalie snorted into her drink. “Now you're just trying to butter me up. I already said I'd help you.”
“No, Ms. Murphy,” he said as his hand enveloped hers. “I mean it. You are always a pleasure to work with. Discrete, efficient, and a master of the craft. I came to you first not only because I know you would get the job done, but because I thoroughly love working with you.”
Oh, he was laying it on thick. Either he desperately needed her help, or he desperately wanted to get laid. “You’re not too bad yourself.” Natalie said, “I kinda miss having you around. You know, to lift things.”
Sam smiled at that as his eyes listed to his feet. “I can lift a great many things, that is true. Like bodies. I am particularly gifted at lifting bodies,” he said as he teased the back of her hand with delicate fingertips. “Conscious, consenting bodies, that is.”
Natalie thanked the poor lighting of the lounge, lest Sam see the pink hue across her cheeks. She had missed working with him for several reasons. Sure, sign her up for all the delicious sex the Continental offered. But Sam Winchester offer much more than a steady gun on her six, or a post-mark coital playmate.
“What are you thinking about?”
“You,” she stated. “Why do you come to me for help? There are better spies out there.”
Sam’s raptor-like glare sharpened to a point between his knotted brow. “I disagree. As I said, you are a professional, and I love watching you work in all facets of the job. A job that seems to have included seducing me.”
A distraction, she needed a distraction immediately, before her read her like an open book. She threw back her head as she finished the dredges of her original drink, then hefted the glass Sam had place before her. With a short sip, the liquor coated her tongue and warmed her throat. Her eyes widened as the flavors settled; subtle smoke, sweet, with a hint of sherry. A deep breath finalized the succulent sample in a rich flourish of oak.
“You did not.”
Sam held out his hand and, as if summoned with magic, a large dark brown bottle of Bowmore manifested in the hands of a server. “I did.” He motioned to the server who then handed her the bottle.
With great care, Natalie cradled the bottle as she examined it. “I owe you. That’s not a cheap pour.”
“Neither is the bottle,” he started as he leaned to her and spoke, voice barely above a whisper. “Besides, there is something else of yours I would rather have than the money I spent.”
Her eyes snapped to his, only then to notice the server had left them. Alone. With a thirty-thousand-dollar bottle of Scotch. Between him and the bottle, Natalie struggled with where to look.
“Consider it a wedding gift.”
She couldn’t help herself. “You know, usually people date for a while before they get married. And one person actually asks the other if they even want to.”
Sam smiled as he grasped the neck of the bottle. With his eyes still on hers, he said, “I suppose I can drink this by my—”
“You will not, Samuel Winchester,” Natalie hissed as she snatched the bottle from him.
“So, is that a ye—”
Her lips landed on his without a single thought. Fuck the future. Fuck the job. Fuck everything in their wretched little world. The only thing that mattered to her at that moment was that Sam Winchester loved her like she had always loved him.
When Natalie parted from him, Sam laughed a breath through his nose. “So, about that job…”
Natalie stood with a huff as she grabbed her bag and her drink, the bottle cradled in the crook of her arm. Sam had remained seated, unmoving but for the curious quirk of his head. “Do you want my help or not?”
Hands on his knees, he stood, then wrapped an arm around her shoulders as he stepped beside her. “Thank you, Natalie.”
“Don’t thank me quite yet,” she warned as they headed for the elevator. “I have no idea what kind of mess you’ve roped me into.”
“Your favorite kind of mess,” Sam teased. “We need a honeypot.”
At the elevator, Natalie punched the call button. “That’s worse than get help.”
“Not for me, it isn’t,” Sam laughed as they entered the elevator. He thumbed the button for the twentieth floor and the doors closed.
“Right,” Natalie stated with a flat glare as the elevator shuttered into motion. “You do nothing but watch me work.”
“Exactly.”
Wicked man. They rode the elevator in silence, but when they reached the twentieth floor, her curiosity got the better of her. “Why is that so entertaining to you?”
Through the hallways, Sam led them to his room. With a wave of his hand, the handle clicked, and he pushed the door wide. Once inside, Natalie unburdened herself, scotch set on the bar and her bag left on an overstuffed chair. “Are you going to answer my question or--”
As she turned to him, Sam loosened his tie and stripped it from his neck. With measured steps, he neared her as he said, “I enjoy watching you seduce bumbling fools because I know that, at the end of the day, I will be the one that takes care of you.” Over her head, he looped his tie and wrapped it around her waist, then pulled her flush to his chest. “What do you say? Still want to give me a hand?”
A small smile crooked the corners of her lips. “On one condition.”
“Anything for you, Natalie.”
She had hoped he might say that.
“After this, we have a real wedding.”
Tags: @atc74 @hannahindie @bevans87 @meganwinchester1999 @plaided-ani-on-hiatus @oneshoeshort @jonogueira @andkatiethings @elfinmox@wonderfulworldofwinchester @princessofthefandomrealm @just-another-busyfangirl @jmekitchens @81mysteriouslyme @dolphincliffs
Reblogs and feedback are awesome. If you want in on the tags, send me an ask or a DM!
ALLEIRADAYNE’S SPN FLUFF BINGO
ALLEIRADAYNE’S SPN MASTER LIST
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Best Albums of 2018
BEST ALBUMS 2018
20. Noname: Room 25
19. Jeremih & Ty Dolla $ign: Mih-Ty
18. Tierra Whack: Whack World
17. Parks Burton: Pare
16. Oneohtrix Point Never: Age Of
15. Angelique Kidjo: Remain in Light
14. Shannon Shaw: Shannon in Nashville
13. Curren$y & Freddie Gibbs: Fetti
12. Ariana Grande: Sweetener
11. Vince Staples: FM!
10. DJ Koze: Knock Knock
9. Mariah Carey: Caution
8. Courtney Barnett: Tell Me How You Really Feel
7. The Carters: Everything is Love
6. Snail Mail: Lush
5. Shannon & the Clams: Onion
4. Teyana Taylor: K.T.S.E.
3. Kacey Musgraves: Golden Hour
2. Blood Orange: Negro Swan
1. Dirty Projectors: Lamp Lit Prose
(Spotify playlist)
(Capsule reviews of Top 10 below)
10. DJ Koze: Knock Knock. The music writing trope of “a sounds like b + c” is as lazy as it is played, but sometimes you hear a record and those type of comparisons spring to mind, like when I first heard Saint Pepsi’s Hit Vibes and instantly thought of J Dilla making a disco record. That was also my response to Knock Knock, which sounds like the Avalanches making a more patient update of Since I Left You for 2018 ears. The record is long and lush, and draws from roughly nine billion different aesthetics, but its particular mélange still manages to sound fresh. As with SILY, the album is best experienced as a complete piece of music (though several tracks, such as “Lord Knows” and “Scratch That” would sound great in a mix or DJ set). Knock Knock takes the listener through ambling pathways that wrap around and revisit each other, like an evening stroll through the spacious Joshua Tree National Park depicted on its cover. It’s nearly a two-hour journey, but it’s well worth the price of admission.
9. Mariah Carey: Caution. Mariah got a dirty mouth and I’m here for it. As mother, a twice-divorcée, a woman nearing 50, her work and her image are all her own; if she wants to include the word “fuck” in a bunch of songs on her new album (“GTFO,” “With You,” “The Distance”), then who the fuck are we to tell her no? It’s a refreshing twist from someone whose public persona is often so curated, but I’m burying the lede. The real story here is that Caution is a batch of excellent R&B songs from one of the genre’s all-time greats. It’s not overwrought – by contrast, the album’s sultry blue cover art is indicative of the moods within. The Ty Dolla $ign-featuring “The Distance” is laid extremely deep in the cut, assisted by some subtle production from Poo Bear, Lido and—holy shit, Skrillex? Yup, and like Mariah herself, everyone involved uses an even hand and measured patience to let each song breathe.
A personal highlight for me is “A No No,” which flips the Lil Kim/Lil Cease classic “Crush On You” on its head. Here, where Biggie intones “he’s a slut, he’s a hoe, he’s a freak/got a different girl every day of the week,” there is no irony intended. She gauges her suitors’ intent and responds simply: “that’s a no-no.” In fact, the word “no” accounts for easily half the song’s lyrics, but it’s still a blast on subsequent listens. But don’t get it twisted – highlights abound herein, from aforementioned singles “GTFO” and “The Distance” to the thoughtful, expansive, Dev Hynes-helmed “Giving Me Life,” which begins as a downtempo club hit and morphs into a surrealist dream. Mariah Carey is one of the artists who’s been in my life the longest – I’m so happy she’s still killing it.
8. Courtney Barnett: Tell Me How You Really Feel. Courtney Barnett is what I was raised to believe an indie rock star should be: an unassuming, smart slacker with regular clothes and the ability to unleash earthbound poetry and atmosphere-puncturing solos with equal aplomb. That effortless cool permeates every facet of her work, from her casual half-singing style to her loose but proficient playing, a mighty guitar god in the body of a humble 31-year-old. (That she recorded a collaborative record with renowned cool guy Kurt Vile should surprise no-one.) But what’s really striking about Barnett’s work is her wryly observant lyrics; whether she’s describing the banalities of urban life (“City Looks Pretty”) or eviscerating toxic masculinity (“Nameless, Faceless”), her keen eye and incisive wit pervade every line. Tell Me is the sound of a strong artist getting stronger.
7. The Carters: Everything is Love. I often say that as I get older, my favorite elements of songwriting are editing and restraint. That’s why I tend to hate double albums and love EPs. I just believe that most double albums would be better if distilled down to one really strong record. EPs, on the other hand, leave the listener wanting more. Such is the case with Everything is Love, which reads like a Beyonce trap record with a number of guest verses from Jay. Regardless of speculation on who did the lion’s share of the writing on the record, both are in top form. Bey’s signature vocal virtuosity is on display as ever, but the real delight is in her capable delivery as a rapper. She glides effortlessly through triplets like “Poppin, I’m poppin, my bitches are poppin, we go to the dealer and cop it all.” Big Sean could never. Meanwhile, Jay turns in a few of my favorite bars of the year (and also a very slick Drake diss) on “Boss:”
“You not a boss, you got a boss. N*ggas gettin’ jerked, that shit hurts, I take it personaly. N*ggas’d rather work for the man than to work for me. Just so they can pretend they on my level, that shit is irkin’ to me. Pride always goeth before the fall, almost certainly. It’s disturbing what I gross. Survey says: you not even close. Everybody’s bosses till the time to pay for the office, till them invoices separate the men from the boys. Over here we measure success by how many people successful next to you. Here, we say you broke if everybody is broke except for you. BAWSE.”
I don’t know if they intend to release more records as The Carters, but Everything is Love is a fun, successful experiment.
6. Snail Mail: Lush. There’s no reason for a debut LP to be this good. The record, from solo project-turnt-band of 19-year-old Lindsay Jordan is focused, clever, and sophisticated. Every component of these songs appears exactly as it should. Jordan’s songwriting is clean and incisive (“I hope whoever it is holds their breath around you/’cause I know I did,” she sings on album standout “Heat Wave”). The arrangements are smartly simple; seldom do they deviate from the four-person rock lineup, so the embellishments that are included (the French horn on “Deep Sea,” the layered keys on “Speaking Terms”) really leap out. The playing throughout is lovely, with Jordan’s beautiful guitar technique front and center (the finger-picking on “Let’s Find an Out” is a particular delight). Everything in its right place – only where Radiohead’s inward gaze can be mopey and self-indulgent, the core strength of Lush is its efficiency. There’s no filler here – just the exact amount of support that each piece requires. The drumming feels especially strong in this regard – there’s an economic directness in Ray Brown’s playing that prioritizes the backbeat over everything, including his ego. The fills that he does include are modest and workmanlike.
It’s right that the record would be released by Matador, because these songs are drenched in the influences of the 90s slacker rock of Yo La Tengo, Sonic Youth, Sleater-Kinney and Sebadoh. And as with each of those bands, Snail Mail’s songs are buoyed by excellent lyrics. Jordan doesn’t just sound wise beyond her years, she actually seems to have lived more in her 19 years than many folks twice her age. There’s a subtext of sobriety in some of the songs (“It just feels like the same party every weekend, doesn’t it?” on “Pristine,” or “I’m so tired of moving on/spending every weekend so far gone” on “Heat Wave”). Perhaps the self-reflection that’s required in recovery has helped to distill her worldview.
And look, I don’t mean to be patronizing here – this album would be a major achievement from any person of any age. But to hear an artistic vision this crystal clear and laser-focused from a 19-year-old is something truly special. I can’t wait to hear what she does next.
5. Shannon & the Clams: Onion. Upon first listen, Onion struck me as the best record the Clams have released to date. Now, admittedly, I’m a sucker for keyboards, and the inclusion of organist Will Sprott is pure Patrick-bait. But beyond my own tastes, the organ both fills out and anchors the Clams’ garage doo-wop sound. There’s a welcome succinctness to Onion: the songwriting is tight, the guitar playing is melodic and utilitarian, and the vocal performances from both Cody and Shannon are more technically refined than in any of their previous outings. One wonders if Shannon’s work on her own solo album (the very good, Dan Auerbach-produced Shannon in Nashville, which also came out this year) pushed her to improve her technique. And don’t get it fucked up – this is still a Clams record. It’s still shaggy and loud and rambunctious – but they’ve worked hard to reign in their wildest tendencies. Some might say that it’s layered, just like-- *an oversized cane hooks around my throat and drags me offstage* ….Well…..let’s just say it’s good.
4. Teyana Taylor: KTSE. Of all the seven-song mini-albums Kanye produced in Wyoming this year, KTSE is both the best and the least talked-about. She arrives seemingly out of the blue, a fully-formed artist who knows her strengths exactly. She has bars when she feels like spitting them, a beautiful husky alto when she feels like crooning, and a profound connection to multiple styles of club music that’s borne of her history as a dancer. It’s become a bit trendy to nod to vogue & ballroom culture in the last few years, but while Drake’s Big Freedia feature on “Nice for What” feels a little forced, Taylor can walk it like she talks it. A dancer by trade, her comfort in the ballroom is palpable.
Ye keeps it simple, remaining comfortably in his wheelhouse and flipping excellent soul samples such as Billy Stewart’s “I Do Love You” (which he repurposes into a nostalgic 4/4 slapper on “Hold On”) and The Stylistics’ “Because I Love You, Girl” (which he expands into a melancholy mediation on the horn section of the original). It’s a welcome return to form.
3. Kacey Musgraves: Golden Hour. In her SNL performance earlier this year, Kacey Musgraves appeared as a flat-ironed, longhair disco queen. As she slayed Golden Hour’s catchy lead single “High Horse,” I was reminded of Dolly Parton. I’ve been spending a lot of time with Dolly’s mid-70s and early-80s catalogue this past year, having purchased vinyl copies of All I Can Do, New Harvest…First Gathering, and Dolly, Dolly, Dolly. Parton is one of those artists whose discographies are so gigantic as to seem practically impenetrable, so I’ve been trying to hear as much as I can. Dolly, Dolly, Dolly is an especially interesting entry: released in 1980, it was her 23rd album, and it represents a pretty clear swing for crossover success. A handful of the tracks are straight-up disco, and these are what Musgraves called to mind. I was thrilled – Dolly’s disco experiments were widely panned, but I think there’s a lot of good there, maybe Golden Hour would be an attempt to vindicate Parton’s vision?
Unfortunately or not, I was incorrect. In total, Golden Hour bears more resemblance to Dolly’s friend & frequent collaborator Emmylou Harris (Kacey’s hair should’ve tipped me off, SMH). It’s a beautiful, understated, and thoughtful set of songs that could fit as well on a folk radio station as a country one. Like Harris, Musgraves has an innate sense of how to let a great song be great, hanging back in both arrangement and vocal performance. She’s emotive when she needs to be (“Rainbow”), and contemplative as needed (“Golden Hour”), always letting her writing breathe. Also, she has the confidence to bury the lead single so deep on Side B that you almost forget it’s there (and are thrilled when it is). As a person who prefers the full album experience to that of a shuffled playlist, this is one of my very favorite tricks.
Quite simply: great songs + great arrangements = a surprising list-topper for me.
2. Blood Orange: Negro Swan. For years, the roles of sexuality and gender in black identity have been foci of Dev Hynes’ work as Blood Orange. He spent time with drag queens and sex workers while writing his debut album Coastal Grooves, and has often cited transgender icon Octavia St. Laurent as one of his primary influences. But while these interests have colored his previous albums, on Negro Swan they’re the bedrock. In a press release preceding the album, Hynes described the album as “an exploration into my own and many types of black depression, an honest look at the corners of black existence, and the ongoing anxieties of queer/people of color. A reach back into childhood and modern traumas, and the things we do to get through it all. The underlying thread through each piece on the album is the idea of hope, and the lights we can try to turn on within ourselves with a hopefully positive outcome of helping others out of their darkness.”
These ideas are fundamental to the songwriting, and they’re reinforced by snippets of conversations with Janet Mock and Kai the Black Angel (who adorns the cover in a durag and angel wings) peppered throughout the album’s 49 minutes. On “Family,” Mock defines community as “the spaces where you don’t have to shrink yourself, where you don’t have to pretend or to perform, you can fully show up and be vulnerable in silence, completely empty, and that’s completely enough.” That search for community, the desire to be seen and loved and supported as your whole self informs each of these beautiful songs. Already a competent producer, Hynes continues to grow, selecting beautiful flourishes like the jangly, perfectly out-of-tune guitar on “Charcoal Baby” or the soft, echoing snare drum on “Dagenham Dream” to characterize the thematic content of each piece. Negro Swan is a powerful and complete work of art. It sounds like he’s finally found some answers to the questions he’s been asking.
1. Dirty Projectors: Lamp Lit Prose. On Lamp Lit Prose, David Longstreth appears to be having more fun making music than he has in years, probably because almost 100% of his band has turned over (kudos to longtime bassist Nat Baldwin, whose playing tethers him to his own beginnings). Beyond the new Projectors themselves, Longstreth spent the months during the writing of the album making new friends in the LA music scene, and bringing them around the studio to record various parts. Members of Haim contribute to album standout “That’s a Lifestyle,” Syd (of The Internet) anchors the refrain in “Right Now,” and Fleet Foxes’ Robin Pecknold and Vampire Weekend alumnus Rostam Batmanglij stack harmonies onto the swirling ballad “You’re The One.”
I see LLP as the second half of a diptych begun by the self-titled Dirty Projectors, released last year. While that record wallowed in the pain of a broken relationship with former Projector Amber Coffman, LLP reveals a healed and newly in love protagonist. Both records feature David Longstreth at his most vocally competent: he’s now able to truly execute the melismatic R&B runs he lovingly wrote and charmingly attempted in his earliest work, his diaphragm now supports his every leap and bound, and his croon is sweeter than ever before. But furthermore, both albums expand on ideas that have popped up throughout his illustrious and impressive body of work. Whether he’s reviving the Rise Above era blasts of noisy guitars on “Zombie Conqueror” or revisiting the orchestral ambitions of The Getty Address on the stunningly soulful “I Wanna Feel It All,” Longstreth sounds like a worker with a complete toolbox and a detailed blueprint. He’s been working at honing his craft for years.
I saw the Projectors in June, at a time when only “Break-Thru” and “That’s a Lifestyle” had leaked. I didn’t know what to expect, being among the seemingly small minority of fans who liked their previous record. But their set was staggering. Flanked by his group of mostly-new faces, Longstreth was bouncing all over the place, proudly showcasing each instrumentalist & vocalist (seemingly everyone had at least one moment in the spotlight), visibly excited about playing with this group of people. And that makes sense: LLP is Longstreth relishing the fundamental glee of musical collaboration. The joy is positively bubbling over in tracks like “Right Now,” “I Feel Energy,” and “I Found it in You.” To see him play these songs live is to wonder if he’s talking about the act of musicmaking itself when he sings: “Ask now, I’m in love for the first time ever.”
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losing a piece of me
Summary: Sometimes Dan likes boys more than he likes girls, and gets upset with himself for it.
Word count: 3292
Warnings: food, mentions of homophobia
A/N: This isn’t meant to be a reflection of Dan or Phil’s actual sexuality, but rather an exploration of the complexities of sexuality and people’s relationships with the labels used to identify them. (Also, having a gender preference doesn’t make you not-bisexual, if that’s how you feel comfortable identifying.)
(Ao3 link)
Sometimes Dan likes boys more than he likes girls.
There’s an appeal to broad chests and shoulders and narrow hips and how they feel pressed against his that has warmth spreading in his chest. A mental image of large hands rough and gripping at him that haunts the recesses of his mind. A phantom brush of stubble over the taunt lines of his neck and short hair threaded between his fingertips and a muscled torso rippling under his greedy hands and he loves it.
Sharp features and square jaws and prominent brows.
Something distinctly male that makes his insides twist and his pulse stutter and eyes snap open on a gasped breathe of guilt.
Phil sits only a few feet away across the sofa and Dan swallows around the knowledge that he’s spent years with a man, living the fantasies that leach into his thoughts in all their destructive glory. And he blames them on that, on Phil, on the fact that such a significant portion of his life has been occupied by a relationship where he presses kisses to a broad chest and lets his hands grasp at narrow hips.
He loves a man. That’s why it’s men who infiltrate his mind, he tells himself.
(Because sometimes Dan likes boys more than he likes girls, and gets upset with himself for it.)
---
When the questions had first swept their disastrous path through his chest it had been in the booming voices of bullies and the nagging reminders of stereotypes.
His hair had been too long over his ears and his interests were too girly for a straight boy. His arms and legs were too lanky and his clothing not quite masculine enough and the eyes that stared back at him in the mirror widened with fear and gleamed with tears.
It was in voices he hated that he heard the maybes and what ifs that lingered at the edges of his consciousness.
It was their leers that forced him aware of the way his gaze lingered too long on the boys in his classes and not quite long enough on the actresses in films.
There was a girl in his life who felt secure. Her presence was warm in his arms and her smile made him happy and it was easy to care for her, safe to be with her. Her long hair and soft eyes made his heart rate rise and it was enough. It was good.
There was a boy on his computer screen with hair that flopped over his eyes and a lopsided grin and a voice that rumbled and cracked in Dan’s earbuds. He would watch late into the night, a smile on his face and eyelids drooping, and a quieter voice in his head asking so what if your gaze lingers too long?
And there was a word in all his searches that had made sense: bisexual.
---
Some days it feels like he blinked and in an instant his childhood bedroom of questions faded into a grown up’s home of answers that seem too uncertain.
He cracks open his eyes to a collection of furniture they’ve accumulated over the years, to evidence of a life shared and lived with such effort, such brilliance. There’s dirty laundry swept under the bed and family photos littering a chest of drawers and suits from award shows hanging in a closet.
A curl flops over his forehead and he doesn’t resolve to fix it as soon as he crawls out of bed. There’s a bottle of pills on his nightstand meant to help the apathetic and obsessive and broken and sad parts of his brain. And a photograph of him and Phil in Japan sitting on the nightstand opposite him.
In a little while he’ll slip downstairs and share a morning with the man he loves, press a kiss to a stubbled jaw and listen to the low rumble of a voice he once thought he’d only hear coming from a computer screen.
Some days it’s easy to exist that way, in his grown up self’s home built on possibilities and love and a foundation of everything they’ve been through.
Everything they still want to share.
---
There was a night when Dan’s computer screen lit up his bedroom with the brightness of a Skype call that he’d asked: “Do you like boys?”
His breath had been caught and hope simmered beneath his ribs and something warm settled in his stomach when Phil’s head had dipped, fingers finding his fringe as it hid most of his smile.
Phil had said: “Uh, yeah,” and then “I don’t really label it, but I guess I’m bisexual?”
Dan had still had a girlfriend, and his computer was lit up with the face of a boy who took his breath away more than she ever had.
“Me too,” he’d said. “I’m, uh, bisexual too, I think.”
(Phil had known Dan had a girlfriend, but Dan still thinks the way he smiled that night was with the same hope for something more between them that Dan had tried to pretend didn’t linger long after they’d hung up the call.)
---
Phil still doesn’t really label it.
He goes about his day loving Dan, loving a man, and halfway through a film they’re watching together, will point out that the female protagonist is attractive. It’s easy and casual and when it comes up with trusted friends he still says he’s bisexual.
He’s still the embodiment of how Dan defines bisexuality.
(Not that his definition is accurate. He knows it’s not. But it still claws its way through his mind with a grating discomfort he can never silence entirely.)
Phil is the type that, playing a game, will comment on the attractiveness of a female character and a male one in the span of minutes. The type whose gaze lingers on girls and guys. Who watches one film because the main actress is beautiful and another because he has a not-at-all-subtle crush on the male protagonist.
They’re walking out the of the cinema after having seen Wonder Woman when Dan realizes it again.
It takes a few moments, after they’ve gushed over the film to the same tune as everyone else. They’ve tossed their rubbish into the bin and slipped their jackets back on and stepped into the chilled night air. Phil’s head is dipped, eyes wide, fringe a bit wayward over his forehead.
“Gal Gadot and Chris Pine, in one film? Amazing.”
It’s far from obvious. Dan knows that anyone else would probably think he was talking about the acting. But it’s been eight years of seeing films with Phil, eight years of seeing the little grin he gets when he’s talking about someone he finds attractive.
The same grin that’s spread across his face now.
Dan smiles back, nods, stares at his feet. “Yeah.”
The thing is, it’s been eight years of seeing films with Phil.
And it doesn’t take eight years to realize that, more often than not, he relates to Phil’s appreciation of men far more than his appreciation of women.
---
Phil is also the type of person who has only really dated people of one gender and yet is still comfortable calling himself bisexual.
Dan is the type who goes home that night, curls up on his side in bed, and thinks about how it’s his boyfriend’s arm wrapped around his waist, how he thinks too much about boys for the term to feel right where it settles over his shoulders.
It’s been too long since his head hit the pillow, and he rolls over for the upteenth time since they laid down.
Phil rolls over with him, re-secures the arm that’s lingered around Dan’s middle, presses a kiss to his shoulder and says: “Stop thinking so loud. Gotta sleep.”
Dan closes his eyes, and dreams fitfully of the boys in high school who used to tease him for being too gay.
---
By the time he wakes up, it feels silly.
Phil’s propped up in bed, pillows adjusted against the headboard, phone in hand. He always stays late after nights when Dan can’t sleep, concern gleaming in his eyes and heavy in the quiet good morning he offers. He drops his phone and runs his fingers through Dan’s hair, leans down for a quick kiss before slipping away with promises to have coffee ready for them both.
Dan’s still wrapped in the duvet when the door closes behind him, head squished in a pillow, the ghost of a kiss tingling on his lips.
It feels silly, he thinks, to have a sexuality crisis when you’re a boy who’s been dating a boy for so many years. But that doesn’t stop the feeling that settled heavy between his ribs.
---
There was a time around when he dropped out of uni that Dan realized he hated labels.
They were restricting, tight around his bones until his actions operated per something self-imposed and unwanted. He was a boy so his feet dragged him to the men’s section of every store. He was a student so he poured over textbooks until his eyes burned from the tears that had welled. He was a YouTuber so he spent too many nights wallowing in the uncertainty of the only career that had ever felt right.
He’d been drowning in them, the expectations. They’d gripped at his arms and legs and pinned him into a mould of himself that didn’t feel wrong, but never felt quite right. So he shed them, one by one, ignoring the voices in his head that echoed them back at him in favour of the relief freedom breathed into his lungs.
The first time he stepped into the women’s section, he bought nothing, but left smiling.
He picked himself up off the ground and shoved textbooks into his closet as he decided that being a student hurt too much to be right.
And when Phil asked him to come along to host a radio show in London, he said yes despite the apprehension that prickled at his spine.
He’d left that year feeling better.
(He’d left that year still wearing the label bisexual on his shoulders.)
---
It’s been years since Dan had found himself staring at a webpage with questions about his sexuality spilling into the search engine.
(That isn’t entirely true. There were a handful of times, mid-existential crisis where he’d been in a frenzy to reevaluate every facet of his identity, reading every definition of bisexual he could find with teary eyes and shaking hands.)
But he’s not in the midst of a crisis now, not crying his way to the Google homepage, not gasping as he types in his query. He doesn’t spill over a trail of definitions of a single sexuality. There’s no itch in his bones making him desperate to make sense of who he is in the endless expanse of the universe.
He’s sitting on their sofa, feet propped up in front of him, drifting away from tumblr for a moment to seek answers to the questions that won’t go away.
Sexualities, is what he types.
He feels like his teenage self again, biting his lip and using vague searches to find specific definitions for facets of himself he can’t quite make sense of. Like the young boy whose hair was still curly after a shower who first typed am I gay into Google and skimmed advice he wasn’t yet ready to take when the results showed.
The screen of his laptop is alight with a too-long page of too many labels and it feels just as overwhelming now as it did back then.
He’s been bisexual for years, he tells himself. Why can’t he just stay that way?
But his gaze trips over that definition, skims it once before he actually reads it, internalizes it, breathes with it weighing too heavy on his chest.
(He knows why he can’t stay that way. This feeling, this ache, is why.)
And with a single click, he closes the page, and goes back to the safer, infinite scroll of social media.
---
“Would you still love me if I was gay?”
He asks it in the darkness of their bedroom, staring at the ceiling where shades of black swirl into patterns that disappear when he blinks. Phil’s head has just hit the pillow, his contented sigh still ringing in the air. Dan feels his shoulders go tense, closes his eyes and reminds himself it’s a reaction a sudden question, not an indication of Phil’s impending response.
Because Dan knows what he’ll say.
It’s been years of this back and forth, of sharing space and confessions and thoughts they hate as much as the ones that fall from their tongues as they giggle. He knows Phil, but sometimes the voices in his head give him unwarranted worries that won’t go away without reassurance only words can offer.
Phil knows Dan enough to know that, too.
He reaches back with one hand, fumbles over the mattress until their fingers are tangled.
“Of course I would,” he says.
(The you know I would goes unspoken.)
---
They don’t talk about it in daylight.
Phil eats his cereal for breakfast, and Dan sticks out his tongue in feigned annoyance because it makes Phil’s eyes crinkle around silent laughter. Dan pours them both their morning coffee, and Phil sets up the TV to watch a morning episode of their most recent show, and neither of them asks questions.
On another day, in another moment, Dan knows he’ll fret over the details of his sexuality again.
But in the morning, when curtains are drawn so the outside world paints nothing but thin stripes across their lounge, and the sounds of shared space play, familiar, in his ears, the thoughts fade away.
---
When he was younger, it took him countless dives into the web to finally accept that he wasn’t entirely straight. There was a day when he’d been watching YouTube and had been away from the toxic masculinity of his secondary school for a while, that he returned to Google with knowledge burning in his stomach and a need to confirm it driving the patterns of his typing.
He’d been biting his lip and smiling and pouring over people’s descriptions of their not-straightness when he’d whispered into the silence of his bedroom.
“I like boys,” he said.
Then again, “I like boys,” but louder that time.
And with tears in his eyes he’d turned off his computer, figuring that was enough of a step for one day. His heart had been racing, and he’d wanted a moment to just enjoy the sense of security in himself that had been at te very edges of his grasp for so long.
(The next day, he had worried about what to tell his girlfriend, about if he had an actual crush on the various boys that had caught his attention over the years, about what, specifically, he was. But that day, he was comfortable being label-less and decidedly not straight.)
---
It’s with that same excitement that he opens his laptop today.
His hands are shaking again and he’s trying not to bite his lip and the warm in the pit of his stomach feels impossibly similar to that from years ago. He opens his web browser and goes through his history to find the list of definitions he’d shut down a little while ago.
He reads them all, even the ones he knows won’t apply. One by one until he reaches the bottom of the page, and then goes back to re-read the ones that felt like they could maybe, possibly, feel right.
By the end of it, he’s staring at a single word, drags his cursor over it and pastes that into Google.
Phil’s sitting at the other end of the sofa on his own computer, probably going through video ideas for the gaming channel like he said he would. And when Dan glances up from his screen, Phil does too, a knowing smile in his eyes.
Dan smiles back, and turns back to his research with the same curious gaze that brought him there.
---
He tests the word on his tongue when Phil’s filming an AmazingPhil video and Dan is meant to be tidying their bedroom.
His weight settles onto the bed, and he stares at himself in the white mirror that used to stand in Phil’s room. There’s a pile of shoes on the floor, knick knacks they’ve gathered littered across shelves, a crooked duvet beneath his hands. Sunlight flits through the curtains and gleams in the moon mirror that hangs over the bed and shines in Dan’s eyes as he grins.
“Queer,” he says into the silence.
His voice cracks like when he was a teen, but the worries that had been weighing on his shoulders dissipate. There’s a warmth to the term, a history that makes it feel powerful on his tongue. It’s abstract, frees him of the expectations he’d set for himself, of strict definitions that haunt the back of his mind.
Perfect for a boy who likes girls sometimes, but likes boys a fair bit more.
“I’m queer,” he says this time, and the smile spreads across his face.
He sinks back onto their unmade bed and stares at the ceiling. Basks in the fact that, while it might be silly to have a sexuality crisis when you’re twenty-five and have long-since accepted that you’re not straight, the security that falls over him is just the same as it was when he was seventeen and speaking the words for the first time.
---
That day, Phil knew something was up, because he’d drawn Dan into his arms, pressed a kiss to his shoulder, and held him there for a long moment. There wasn’t a word, just comfort and quiet and smiles and an air of having known each other for so long that nothing else felt necessary.
By the next week, the high has faded a bit, but the discomfort Dan had been fleeing doesn’t come back, and he figures maybe he found the right word this time.
Or maybe it will be right for a while, too, and one day he’ll have to search for the right label for a Dan with older bones and new experiences.
Either way, he settles into bed with the man he loves and falls asleep without a worry to keep him awake.
---
“Can you do me a favour?”
Phil looks up at him. Their breakfast is spread out over the counter, their feet pressed to the rungs of barstools, coffee spinning with swirls of milk. “Of course,” comes his response.
“Come out to me again,” says Dan. “Please?”
There’s just a second’s hesitation before Phil says: “I don’t really like to label it, but I guess I’m bisexual.” There’s a smile on his face, and his spoon has fallen back into his cereal bowl.
The expectation is there, but it’s not what has Dan smiling back, ignoring the quiver of his voice as he speak.
“Cool,” he says. “I’m, uh, queer.”
Later, he knows Phil will ask what exactly that means to him. And Dan will explain that he likes the formless blob feeling it gives him. That he appreciates having a name for this abstract liking girls and boys a little more feeling that has followed him for years and shifted into something he couldn’t define the same way he did when he was young.
But for now, Phil just leans over and presses a kiss to Dan’s cheek.
“Okay,” he says. “I love you.”
(The smile that stays spread across Dan’s face that day is a mixture of I love you too and thank you and the easy realization that, for the moment, he’s quite happy with himself.)
#phan#phanfic#phanfiction#callie writes words#i still never know how to tage fic but anyway#this was interesting to write#but sorry for any inaccuracies
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PATEK PHILIPPE REF. 5711/1A-014 NAUTILUS
The Patek Philippe Ref. 5711/1A-014 Nautilus is the latest iteration of the must-have sports watch coveted by legions of horophiles. Mark McArthur-Christie examines the composition of the new olive green dial variant of this legendary watch.
What do you think of when someone says “Patek Philippe“? The über-complex Grand Complications, with their insane perpetual calendars, celestial chart dials, chimes and tiny orreries that unfold and operate at the push of a concealed button? The restrained Calatravas, with their distillation of watchness into a simple, single series of elegant dials? Or maybe it’s the non-nonsense Genta-designed Ref. 5711/1A Nautilus?
You’d have to be living in a very dark cave indeed not to know that Patek has announced they’re discontinuing the stainless Nautilus – and the corresponding rocket-launch trajectory of second-hand prices. This green-dialled 5711 is the model’s swansong. Way to go, Plan-les-Ouates.
The design for the 5711 that made it to production is remarkably like Genta’s original restaurant napkin sketch (if legend is to be believed) and perhaps best summed up as ‘deceptively plain’. But there are so many tiny details that just make it work. The bezel which, at first sight, looks appropriately porthole-like actually has eight subtle but distinct facets that reflect the light and take weight away from what would otherwise be a slabby piece of steel. The inside edge carries the same facets, lightening it still further. Try using your hand to mask the protrusion on the left side of the case; ugly now, isn’t it? That visual balancing weight on the case’s left, opposing the crown guard, equalises the whole thing and makes it work. Then there’s the way the crown guard itself slopes down, snugging it visually towards your wrist. And those bezel lines flow through into the bracelet, again lessening its weight.
Next, look at the mix of polishing and satin-finishing. Change that bezel face to a polished surface and you’re back in Slabtown again. The brushing lifts and lightens, with the polished edge differentiating the bezel from the case and bracelet. This takes 55 different hand finishing steps before it’s complete. All in all the entire watch is a case study in how ‘simple’ and ‘easy’ are really not the same thing.
And there’s been plenty of scope for Patek with the Nautilus; there are now 25 different versions of the watch. You can have yours in everything from stainless (present company), rose gold, white gold or two tone gold, with a strap or with a bracelet. But it says a lot for Genta’s original conception that the overall design was only slightly re-worked in 2006, thirty years after the watch was launched; this in an industry where ‘novelties’ are so prized.
So what’s different about the new Patek Philippe Ref. 5711/1A-014 Nautilus Swansong? It’s the dial colour. Now that may not seem like a big deal, but it is – really. Patek don’t go around changing dial colours for fun. The first of the new watches post-2006 30th anniversary had a blue, black graduated dial, followed in 2012 by a silver white dial and then in 2015 by a brown-to-black graduated tint on the rose gold model. This new Ref. 5711/1A-014 is what Patek is calling ‘olive green’. It would have been fascinating to see how the Patek team ended up with this particular shade. In large organisations, change like this usually requires an entire saga of meetings – but was the initial colour suggestion so on-the-money that everyone just went for it? Either way, it’s a fine fit with its fellow Nautili.
The dial surface, like the rest of the watch, has a simple visual device that elevates it; the horizontal ridges that allow light to play across it, creating areas of dark and shadow that shift as your wrist moves. And that olive green will, we suspect, work in pretty much any context – rather like the watch itself.
Inside the case of the Patek Philippe Ref. 5711/1A-014 Nautilus is the cal. 26-330 S C movement that has been powering the Nautilus since 2019. Looking through the display back, you can enjoy just watching it do its thing; it’s a bit of a beauty. Evolved from the cal. 324 S C (that powers Calatravas, Aquanauts and other Nautili alike), it runs at 28,800vph (4Hz) with a Spiromax balance spring and a Gyromax four-spoke, four-weight micro-adjustable balance. It has five fewer parts at 212 but one more jewel (30 in total). Although the movement is capable of a day/week number complication, there’s no need on the restrained Nautilus dial with just a date. There’s a single, central rotor (just look at that engraving) with some very clever watchmaking indeed in the winding system. The movement also hacks. Actually, that sounds far too basic – it has a ‘stop-seconds’ system. Much better.
It’s a properly practical watch too, as well as being a fine example of Genta’s design. The stainless steel case, despite the display back, will happily dip 120m underwater without any fuss. As we’ve often pointed out, given that recreational divers seldom venture much deeper than 40m, this shouldn’t present anyone not called Cousteau with a problem.
Although we’ve seen the watch retailing at £26,870, there’s a waiting list so long that people are adding their unborn children’s names to it and there are already reports of it making ten times retail price. There’s no doubting the 5711 is an icon, not to mention a beautiful watch and a classic design in its own right. It’s perhaps then a little sad to see it flying out of the reach of so many collectors.
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CONGRATULATIONS, ELLIE!
You have been accepted for the role of ISOLDE GREENGRASS. The deliberation over submissions for this role was incredibly difficult, but ultimately “ It would be so easy, to fall into the rabbit hole, to forget that they both belong to her sister more than they even belong to themselves. It’s the story of her life” hit us right in the chest. Isolde’s tight rope walk between love and resentment was beautifully and intricately articulated. Her history did a fantastic job of making her sympathetic yet so very far from a victim and we love how believably you balanced her just short of villainy but running the risk of tipping over that edge. Like Isolde, we too are wondering if she’s going to change. Please look at the CHECKLIST for next steps. Welcome to Blood Royals!
♕ I: OUT OF CHARACTER ♕
NAME / ALIAS: Ellie
♕ II: CHARACTER INFORMATION ♕
FULL NAME: Isolde Lavinia Greengrass
Isolde: The Irish wife of Mark of Cornwall and lover to Sir Tristan in the Arthurian legend. [Clearly, Isolde thinks often, her parents had hoped she would grow to become much more beautiful than she did]
Lavinia: In Roman mythology, the only daughter of Latinus & Amata who was courted by men solely for her father’s crown instead of on her own merits.
FACECLAIM: Could I use Billie Lourd, please? :)
DATE OF BIRTH: April 27, 1955; in a slightly unusual twist for twins, Isolde was born a couple of hours after her sister just after midnight on April 27. She often thinks of her birth as stepping into Rhoslyn’s shadow for the first time - she’s yet to come out of it. [If the Rhoslyn mun isn’t ok with this, then I am happy to change it to the 26th].
HOGWARTS HOUSE & YEAR: Slytherin, 1966-1973
GENDER & PRONOUNS: She/Her
SEXUALITY / SHIPS / ANTI-SHIPS: I see Isolde as being straight, though I also see her as being quite free with her sexuality, oftentimes going so far as to use sex to get what she wants [that is, when men want her and not her sister]. In terms of ships, I am all about the chemistry in game. I would be interested in exploring the strange triangle-that-kind-of-is-a-square going on with Isolde/Julian/Rhoslyn/Kingsley.
OCCUPATION:
She has no need for an actual job and in her opinion, a woman working for money is rather plebeian and muggle. However, Isolde is far from idle. While she dislikes her family’s philanthropic ventures, she has not been exempt from them and has taken to using these opportunities to further her own agenda.
ALLIANCE:
Neutral. While Isolde is technically neutral, that does not mean she does not have an opinion or that she doesn’t lean one way or the other. She believes in the superiority of wizards and in the superiority of blood above all other facets of individuals. Ability matters, yes, but to Isolde all an able-modied mudblood proves is that muggles have found a way to steal their magic. And that must be stopped. Because of this, she leans more to the side of the Death Eaters. The temptation to join them is strong, as it resonates heavily with her thirst for vengeance against those who have overlooked her, who have shoved her aside in favor of others. I really think this dynamic and conflict will be interesting to explore about her.
POLITICAL VIEWS:
Why is the concept of blood superiority even a question? To Isolde, the answer is obvious. Witches and wizards are better than muggles and purebloods are superior to those with lesser blood. This is a fact. Isolde’s political views are perhaps the one shining light she has in her family, one way she does not feel inadequate, though like many other things, she tends to go a bit far in her honesty. Whether it’s ignoring the muggleborn handing back her change at Flourish & Blotts or asking for a pureblood shopgirl at Twilfitt & Tattings, Isolde’s severity toward those of lesser blood is not tempered in public much as some of her other impulses can be.
While she would not admit this, Isolde has a fondness for her family’s house elves. They were her playmates at times and remembered the important milestones of her childhood. She is softer around them, much as she is with her immediate family.
KNOWN FACTS:
Fact: that her tongue can be sharp. While she is often cunning and quiet in her machinations, Isolde does not take well to perceived slights. There have been multiple occasions younger, weaker, lesser girls have left an event in tears because of Isolde’s cuttingly vengeful remarks [always spoken out of Rhoslyn’s hearing, of course].
Fact: that she often prefers books to people. Books don’t make her bite her tongue so hard that it bleeds and they certainly don’t talk back when she gives them her opinions. They are, at times, a welcome distraction from the mundane and to Isolde, a lot of things in today’s society are just that.
Exaggeration: that she is jealous of her sister’s beauty. While Isolde has been jealous of the attention Rhoslyn receives, it has been years since she truly wished she was the beautiful one. She considers herself to be striking in her own way, even if she is not classically beautiful the way that Rhoslyn is.
Rumor: that she and Alecto Carrow have more than friendship. This is one of the few that amuses Isolde more than it riles her and as such, she never confirms or denies it.
BOGGART: If asked, and pressed, Isolde would say that being separated from her family is her greatest fear, but that is a lie. In reality, her boggart is being without the person she considers her other half. Depending on the day, that individual changes.
AMORTENTIA:
Sandalwood: Heavy, earthy, its scent is one that is familiar and enticing. Spicy, too, a reminder that not everything is so dull as what she is accustomed to.
Pomegranate: Subtle, it evokes thoughts of wine, a tartness contrasting to the sweet. Temptation, a reminder that what she may want might not always be available to her.
Cigar Smoke: A hint of vanilla mixed with tobacco, intoxicating, a reminder that when she’d been a child, there had been one person who had at least tried to love his children equally.
PERSONALITY TRAITS:
Etiquettical
While Isolde is severe and uncaring in her opinions and her words, she is very much aware of pureblood etiquette and societal standards. Etiquette, protocol, and social mores are the backbone of any society. She follows it, from bringing a hostess gift to any event and to having the perfect smile when she’s introduced to others from her social class.
Articulate
For all of her severity, Isolde is articulate in what she says and how she says it. Her vocabulary is nearly unrivaled and she finds a small pleasure in her superiority in this regard. In her mind, an insult that is thought out is incredibly more effective than a simple phrase that children toss about in the Hogwarts corridor. Nothing passes Isolde’s lips that she does not mean and she rather enjoys the look of confusion on another’s face when she uses strings of large words that they need to decipher before they can respond.
Guileful
Impulsive she may be, Isolde is able to recognize when it is important to play the long game instead of giving into her immediate wants. She is not a Gryffindor, Slytherins are cunning, and though it pains her to hold things close to her chest, the payoff is always worth it. It is not uncommon for her to sit on information for weeks at a time, revealing it when it best suits her needs.
Impulsive
While this trait has been tempered somewhat with age and with practice in the Slytherin common room, Isolde does not always hold her tongue. When she wants something, she finds a way to get it, even if it means stepping on others. If someone upsets her with their idiocy or foolishness, she has few qualms about delivering a sharp statement or a quick hex in return, often not thinking of the repercussions of her actions. This trait may just be her downfall or trigger her descent to the dark, for there are only so many times Rhoslyn can clean up her messes [not that she knows about that].
SPECIAL SKILLS: Isolde has an ear for languages and is currently fluent in four - English, French, German, and Swedish. She is learning Portuguese in her spare time, though she does not always have the time or company to practice her skills.
BIOGRAPHY:
From the moment she was born, Isolde Greengrass had been considered somewhat less than her sister. Rhoslyn had been a beautiful baby, nearly perfect in every aspect, but Isolde had been colicky and weak, requiring more attention until she turned two. Even when she was young, her parents often overlooked her milestones in favor of something else, be it Rhoslyn and their elder brother or business and social engagements. While her father did his best to pay all of his children equal attention, he was often busy managing the family’s estate and extensive portfolio. Her first steps were to one of the family’s house elves rather than to either parent and her first word was Rhoslyn, simply because it was the word she heard the most.
While many compared them even as babies, Isolde has always had a strong affection for her sister. They shared a womb, they share blood, and Rhoslyn has been Isolde’s constant from the moment she was born. She might secretly scoff at Rhoslyn’s perceived naivete or her goodness, but the younger twin has always felt the need to protect the elder from the world and from those who would take advantage of her.
The first time she can remember feeling resentment was when their parents planned the twins’ seventh birthday party. Born together, yet separated by hours and a day, the party had been planned for Rhoslyn’s birthday, April 26th, much to Isolde’s confusion and consternation. She had not understood why she could not have a party of her own and when asked, her mother’s response had been less than satisfactory. Rhoslyn had looked at her then, her eyes full of innocence, full of love, and when she offered to have the party on Isolde’s birthday instead, their parents had cooed over how perfect, how kind, and how gentle their [barely] elder daughter was. Isolde knew, even then, that Rhoslyn was everything she would never be, but she did not stop trying, not yet.
Her sorting took slightly longer than most, though not nearly as long as Rhoslyn’s, the hat unable to decide between Isolde’s darker nature or her impulsive one. Eventually, of course, her ambitious side, her thirst to be seen as something more than “the ugly Greengrass twin” won out. There was a brief moment when Isolde was sorted into Slytherin that she felt relief. For as beautiful and kind as her sister was, it was because of those exact traits Isolde could not fathom her in the house of serpents. For the few scant ticks it took for her sister to be sorted, Isolde imagined a life at Hogwarts of her own. Friends she could make that would not compare her to Rhoslyn, attending a class where she could shine without the shadows of her sister’s presence, carving out her own identity instead of that as Rhoslyn’s sister. The hope that bubbled up in her throat at the thought made her feel sick later - wasn’t she supposed to love her sister more than she loved herself? - but in the moment, Isolde clung to it, a young girl drowning in the sea of her sister’s perceived perfection.
And then it came crumbling down, a dark pit opening in her stomach. Rhoslyn was sorted into Slytherin as well, leaving Isolde to swallow the few hopes she’d had left and smile hollowly at her sister, feeling guilt for even wishing her in another house. For as much as Isolde knew others compared her to Rhoslyn, she was also aware that her sister had never been one to shunt her aside, always insisting on her inclusion. Family came first for the Greengrasses, even on days Isolde wanted nothing more than to be seen instead of lost in their shadows.
There were a couple of years, early on at Hogwarts, when Isolde tried to be nice, tried to achieve the same kind of attention her sister did. She took up an interest in fashion, wore her hair in the latest styles, bit her tongue when the sharper words came to the forefront, stilled her wand when she would rather curse, and was exceptionally well read. She bored even herself in her minutiae. Still, everyone preferred Rhoslyn to Isolde. It confused the young woman, spurred vengeful thoughts and harsh words, who eventually came to realize that she would never be one of those girls who simpered and gossipped as they discussed the exact detail of the lace adorning their robes. And, as much as it pained her, she would never be beautiful. The stark honesty became her sole confidant and she relied upon it much more than on her grandmother’s assertion that she would grow into her gangly limbs and elfin features.
Isolde returned to Hogwarts for her fourth year much more comfortable in her own skin, preferring classic clothing to the most fashionable styles and most often seen in monochromatic colors. She blended in, perhaps too well, and picked up on innocuous bits of information. It was easy to slip into the shadows, especially when she became one, and she became adept at picking up information all over the castle. Her gaze was sharp, the cogs in her brain turning like clockwork, but no one noticed. No one ever noticed.
As much as Isolde was used to people preferring her sister, that did not mean they were off the hook when they humiliated her, when they passed by her as if she was little more than an inconvenience. Though the cunning part of her recognized the importance of playing the long game, other times she used what she had gleaned in the shadows, often to further her own agenda or to simply cause a little bit of chaos against those who had wronged her or her sister. What should she care if Lavender Burke cried for days after finding out her boyfriend had cheated on her? Or if the halfblood in Hufflepuff withdrew from school after his classmates found out about his same-sex exploits? Or if the entire school was on alert because a mudblood was in the hospital wing [he’d tried to speak with her when Isolde was in a mood and a swish and a flick later, well, the impulse had passed by then but the damage had been done]? Other people, lesser people, are often of little consequence to Isolde and the darker side of her enjoys creating a small bit of chaos, enjoys her small vengeances on those who have wronged her.
Isolde has the ability to temper her own impulses and her own severity, but like many things, she only does so when she must - for propriety and society’s sake - or when she finds it amusing to do so. She is used to holding her tongue around her family, but the older she’s gotten the more annoying she finds it.
In her final year of Hogwarts, Isolde grew closer to the younger Carrow girl and though they will never be the simpering idiots one reads about in girlish novels, she trusts Alecto more than she trusts her own sister - at least with who she really is. Her conscience falls away when she is around Alecto and Isolde revels in the fact that she does not have to hide in the shadows.
Since graduation, she has lived at the family home, though her mother incessantly reminds her to do this and do that in hopes of finding a husband. While Isolde couldn’t care less, she can acknowledge that it would be nice to set out on her own, to find someone who preferred her to Rhoslyn, to find someone who noticed her. Unfortunately, the only person who seemingly fits the bill is already promised. Of course he would be Rhoslyn’s. And, unfortunately, so is she.
CONNECTIONS:
Rhoslyn Greengrass: Rhoslyn is kind and good - Isolde often compares her to sunlight. But the problem with sunlight is that while it can make one happy, it also makes the shadows that much darker, makes it cold when the sunlight is not shining upon you. Isolde loves her sister, would kill and die for her, but she cannot help but be resentful of Rhoslyn’s kind ways, of the beauty she was born with, of the way that people simply flock to her. Though she has pushed a great deal of it down, Isolde finds it bubbling up each time someone prefers to speak to Rhoslyn above her, each time the society section of the Prophet writes about how lovely Rhoslyn is dressed, overlooking Isolde’s painstakingly simple, yet elegant, wardrobe. And yet, she loves her sister, more than anything in the world. That realization, when coupled with resentment, is enough to make Isolde lash out at others more than usual, for she cannot imagine lashing out at Rhoslyn instead. Rhoslyn is her conscience, her sole attempt at a morality other than grey.
The relationship is a complicated one, for while she feels jealousy and anger at times, she would not allow anyone else to harm her sister, not even herself. If it were not for her love of family and her attachment to her sister, Isolde would have no qualms about stealing her betrothed. But she cannot hurt her sister like that. She is capable of many things, but causing Rhoslyn utter devastation is not currently one of them.
Julian Avery: The other half of her own poisoned apple. The first man who sought out her company, preferred it, even, to that of her sister’s. At times, she thinks he is her other half - impulse, darkness, furtherance of their way of life. She does not need to hide behind false courtesies, does not need to give empty smiles and practiced speeches while her eyes remain detached to hide what else she’s picking up on. Each moment she spends with Julian is a blessing and a curse and they often operate in a bubble of half-truths, communicating more by what is unsaid than by what actually is.
Ironically, though it was her honesty and exacting nature that drew him in, it is around Julian that Isolde finds herself tempering her impulses regarding her own feelings. It would be so easy, to fall into the rabbit hole, to forget that they both belong to her sister more than they even belong to themselves. It’s the story of her life. And Isolde wonders if she’s ever going to change it.
♕ III: FREESTYLE ♕
[while I usually do drabbles in present tense, I write paras in past!]
Alecto stands with her at the garden party, pointing out the men who are still available, unattached, and socially acceptable. “His mother’s grandmother’s father was a mudblood,” Isolde sneers as she looks across the perfectly manicured lawn, her nose wrinkling. “I’ll not dilute my bloodline with such filth.” Words that many might think but few would say in public, not that Isolde has ever had any problem saying what she truly thinks aside from society’s incessant need to only say nice things. She’s not even certain if the fact is true - in truth it probably isn’t - but Richard Selwyn, of the cadet branch of his family, had teased her for years in school, mocking the fact that she was not as beautiful as her sister. Isolde will take pleasure in seeing the rumor spread, in seeing him fall from grace ever-so-slowly and never knowing why.
She turns back to Alecto with a smile on her face, a genuine amusement hidden within her irses. It is not the first time they’ve done this, rate the eligible men as if they are looking at a catalogue and deciding what to purchase. Isolde knows her mother despairs of her second daughter, of how plain she can be, of how her interests are slightly more bookish and dull than Rhoslyn’s. Well, it’s not as if she wants to live at home for the rest of her life either, Isolde thinks before she turns back to Alecto, allowing her eyes to briefly catch on those of Julian Avery.
He is standing to the side of her sister, close enough to show attention but not so close as to be deemed inappropriate. There’s a slight tension in his jaw that most would ignore, for it’s normally there at events like these. She pushes down the traitorous thought that he’s rarely like that around her.
Perhaps he sees something in her eyes as she turns away, but within a quarter of an hour, he’s standing in front of her and Alecto, sipping on the drink in his hand, her sister nowhere in sight.
Lost for a moment in her thoughts, she misses part of the conversation, save for the tail end of Alecto’s last comment. “…Selwyn’s halfblooded grandmother?”
The look Julian gives Isolde is telling, for he knows just as well as she does that Richard’s blood is perhaps even purer than her own. But still he chuckles, tension dropping from his jawline, something deeper than respect in his eye. When he looks at her like that, she thinks he sees her more than anyone else does. More than anyone else can.
Theirs is the language of unspoken words, of what’s left hanging in the air between courtesies, flowery expressions, things that Isolde had always abhorred, even as she’d offered a practiced - and oh, how long she’d practiced - smile.
“Oh, they’d keep him around on the periphery, of course,” she responds, her lips twisting into a small little smile. “There’s little proof. But everyone would always wonder.” Which is, of course, exactly what she intends. For Richard Selwyn to spend years wondering why his friends only invite him to the largest of gatherings, why he’s persona non grata at the intimate events, why everyone’s gaze is curious before their eyes shutter.
Her eyes move back to Julian. They aren’t seeking approval - Isolde has not sought that in years - but the twitch of his lips and the way his gaze remains on her makes her stomach flutter in a way she has yet to experience with another.
She can hate herself for this tomorrow. For now, though, she merely responds in kind.
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I See the World Keep Moving as I Stumble
This post has been on my mind for a while. This is kind of what got this whole “starting a blog again” idea in my head in the first place, and it’s been something that I’ve gone back and forth about.
It’s kind of an intense topic to start out with, but hey, we’re getting to know each other on a deeper level, right?
I started an instagram account (@koriinketosis) that I am using to share about my weight loss journey, and this was something that I was originally going to post there but I couldn’t seem to sum up the entire post into the character limit. I know that I tend to ramble on a little too long sometimes, but I honestly feel that this topic deserves more space.
So, here goes...
In the spirit of being honest and open and forthcoming, I feel the need to talk about a major event in my life that has had an affect on every aspect of my life, from my physical health and weight to my mental health and everything in between.
On May 17, 2011, my mother passed away from ALS (Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis, also known as Lou Gehrig’s disease). I was 17, and it was two weeks before I graduated from high school. She died in the middle of the night, early Tuesday morning. She was at home. She had been sick for a while. If you aren’t familiar with ALS, it isn’t pretty. My mother had become quadriplegic. She was unable to to eat, swallow, talk or communicate in general. She had a feeding tube. Her muscles had deteriorated and she was skin and bones and in constant pain and discomfort. She was confined to a power wheelchair, where she slept at night because she couldn’t breathe if she was leaning too far back. However, during all of this, her brain was fully functional. She was trapped inside a body that didn’t work.
Her symptoms started at the end of my freshman year, so my high school experience was spent at doctors offices and hospitals and physical therapy appointments and traveling for treatments. I took care of my mom as I watched her body fail. I prayed and prayed and cried and cried and watched helplessly as my favorite person in the entire world was slowly taken away from me.
During this time, I was a teenager. An annoying teenager dealing with all of the normal teenage bullshit while also having to grow up too fast but not quite knowing how to handle life. This meant that there were times I would get frustrated with my mom for things she couldn’t help. And to this day, I have not forgiven myself for that.
I talk about my mom, and I’m honest with people if they ask about her or her illness or her death. I don’t go into much detail. They don’t ask for much. My language is very matter-of-fact and emotionless.
There’s a certain level of surprise when someone hears that you’re young and you’ve lost a parent.
What I don’t tell people is how it feels. Maybe it’s because I don’t think they care, or maybe it’s because I don’t know how to put it into words.
I was watching Season 3 of Queer Eye, and Jonathan was discussing the loss of his step father and he made a comment that really resonated with me. He said that as human beings, we like to put things in boxes and move on. We want to take our grief and stick it in a box and put a bow on it and call it done, but grief doesn’t fit in a box. And he’s absolutely right. It seeps into everything. Every ounce of your being and every facet of your life. It pops up when you least expect it. It’s in certain songs, it’s in certain colors, it’s in your dreams. You can push it aside and you can act like it isn’t there, but it’s always lingering and finding subtle ways to gnaw at your insides without you noticing until theres a gaping hole that you need to find a way to fill.
The expression “time heals all wounds” is a lie. If you didn’t know that already, I hate to be the one to break it to you. It’s been nearly eight years since I lost my mom, and sometimes I think it hurts more now than it did back then. It just hurts in a different way. I feel like the pain never goes away, just changes form.
It’s affected me in different ways over the last seven, almost eight years.
I entered an unhealthy relationship that lasted too long where I went from taking care of my mom to taking care of a boy who took advantage of me in more ways than one.
I lost all motivation for school while taking classes at community college and failed a lot of classes and ruined my GPA. I ended up adding an extra two years to my time in college due to retaking courses and trying to raise my GPA in order to get into the education program at UNT.
I ate my feelings. I gained a lot of weight. At least 50 pounds of feelings. (Down about 35 of it thanks to keto)
I dream about my mom a lot. When that happens, its difficult for me to get out of bed in the morning. I don’t want to enter the reality where my mom is gone. I’ve spent entire weekends in bed trying to go back to sleep in hopes of dreaming of her again. It never works.
My self confidence hit an all time low (not that it was ever that high to begin with, let’s be real) and I developed social anxiety that left me too afraid to leave my apartment for anything other than work and class for an entire year.
I’ve overcome a lot of those things. I have graduated from college and I am now almost finished with my second year of teaching. I am working on losing the weight that I gained and am eating healthier and exercising. My social anxiety is manageable and I am stepping out of my comfort zone more and more.
But the grief is still there. Gnawing at my insides. I’m just waiting for it to make a new hole. When it does, I’ll find a way to fill it. I’ll overcome that one, too.
But I just want people to know that if they’re grieving, they’re not alone. There is no timeline. There’s no end date. And that’s okay.
It’s messy and it’s hard and it’s something that people don’t understand until they’ve felt it. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Don’t be embarrassed.
It’s okay to not always be okay. You’ll get there.
Side note: when I blogged in high school, each post was titled with a song lyric from a song that I felt matched the theme of the post. Today’s title comes from “The Feel Again (Stay)” by Blue October.
#keto#ketosis#ketogenic#ketogenicdiet#weightloss#weightlossjourney#griefjourney#grief#griefisreal#griefsupport#loss#depression#anxiety
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Mike’s Eliza Notes
Since there was more to the game than we could cover in the episode, below are the full notes that I made while playing Eliza.
Chapter 1
It starts with Evelyn talking about a dream. When’s the last time you had a dream?
She writes herself an email titled “You will do it” saying “I believe in you” ?!
The music is very Zachtronics
I like the chat History - probably will be useful…
What is the game going to be? Will I have to choose whether to stick to the script that Eliza gives? Is it mostly going to be just thought provoking about what therapy is and the machine vs. the human touch?
The sentiment analyzer tagging things as positive or negative - is it meant to show that the way Eliza works is actually pretty simplistic? E.g. “expensive” tagged as negative, but it’s used here in a positive sense (the office is in an expensive area)
Eliza totally lies to him and pretends that you’re talking not it! Scandal
It tells you to tell him your name!
Anexophin? Is that real?
Surely this wouldn’t be sufficient even if you had a super smart AI - there’s so much variance in how you can read the script and deliver it.
Haha, even as the proxy therapist you get achievements, a score and can level up?!
They added the “speak to a real human” script. Is that how AI works? I suppose it might work any number of ways. Hey, is this the AI game Ting said they should make??
Rae: Sometimes you don’t have any choices and you just have to follow directions, Most jobs are like that, honestly.
Eliza - named after the 1960’s computer program (early chat bot?)
Eliza is just making people feel better, but it isn’t actually making things better. Is Darren right that the world is a mess and counselling just helps people ignore it?
Zachtronics loves solitaire minigames…
It must be weird going to Eliza and speaking to a different person every time that talks as though they know you. Maybe it’s like speaking to a hive mind? Many bodies, one set of thoughts.
Lytosinol-2? Is that real?
Your friend Nora asks if the people at the counselling office “know” - know what?!
Something traumatic clearly happened 3 years ago
Nora - formerly a coder but now a musician and artist. Old self might have worried about not making as much money, but happier now. Is this me?! Sometimes takes a little contract coding work, but makes most what she needs for rent from her art
Did you used to work on Eliza as a coder or something? Your former boss was a psychologist and “creepo” (Soren)
Nora has some whack eastern european accent.
Soren is currently at (and leaving) Skandha, so sounds like you did work on Eliza
Snake Person = VSs, “biz dev”
Evelyn’s comment about the coffee shop - “it’s nice to know this is an option, the tea and coffee at the counselling center didn’t look so inspiring. Am I… am I being a snob?”
Immediately after coffee, you get an email that confirms you were one of the principal devs on Eliza.
Komorebi (the name of the coffee shop)
Language: Japanese
Meaning: The interplay between light and leaves when sunlight shines through trees.
Evelyn has some pictures propped up against the wall “that have been sitting there like that for a long time”. I also have a picture that is just propped against the wall instead of hung up (though I like it on the floor, or maybe that’s just what I tell myself?!)
Chapter 2
Email (from your mum?) with news story about mandatory fortnightly Eliza conversations at school for middle and high school students
You used to work at Magus books. Email from a customer there that is sad you left
Induced dreams by direct neural stimulation… interesting and creepy idea. Rather than invoking a feeling or improvement by talking, directly cause the required feeling.
Aponia - ancient greek, it means “the absence of pain”. Is it meant to sound like “a pony”? That’s what everyone really wants :P
Yao-Ren “Rainer” Tsai. Chairman and CEO of Skandha Corporation
Eliza is always talking about the rain - I guess that’s Seattle?
Gabriel stressed about having no time for himself after becoming a father
15 mins of VR - starry skies. Would that really help anything?
Anexophin - is that a real thing?
He gave 2 stars, but still a $5 tip?? He didn’t seem to find it helpful… he’ll be back
Maya
Has some serious social anxiety.
No one cares about her art (like no one cares about our podcast :P)
15 minutes of Meadow Lands each day. Is this to illustrate that Eliza’s treatments are bad?
Holiday Durant
Would smoke dope more often but it’s expensive :shrug:
Unmarked white busses, secret transport system “just for them” - it probably is! i.e. employee transport for tech firms
She asks Eliza about past life regression and Eliza breaks XD
Eliza doesn’t know what to do, since there’s nothing particularly wrong?? She just wants someone to talk to.
Fortipran hydrochloride - is that a real thing? Is it for shoulder pain, since that’s what she asked for? Apparently it sounds like an anti-anxiety drug (it’s not real). She forgets the name and thinks it’s forzapram. (you later discover it IS for shoulder pain!)
Dinner with Soren
Move on - “want to do his memory right, don’t you”. So the trauma was related to a guy?
I say “whose” and am told “Damien of course. Are you sure you’re okay?”
Rainer and Soren. Soren bitter that Rainer is CEO and never wanted for anything. Had all the right names - Harvard, Goldman Sachs
He needs a chief engineer, wants you (or maybe he wanted Nora but she said no :P)
Nora is DJing at an S&M club… or not - Soren is just wrong, and then goes to hit on a bunch of random women.
Email - Car will pick you up for meeting with Rainer at 9:20am from Queen Anne office. So Rainer must know you are working as a proxy
Nora tells you a load of electronic music stuff. The names sound real, and I know the other Zachtronics founder is into electronic music, so maybe it’s all real facts
Roland-TB303 (devil fish mod?)
Moog (pronounced Moag)
Li’l Sappho - greek poet..?
The music is… lewd? Sounds good, wild and untamed.
Chapter 3
Talking with Rainer. He found out you were back because your proxy scores were unusually good and he looked.
Being a proxy - more than an order of magnitude drop in pay vs. old job
Damien Seabrook - brilliant career cut short. He died? Suicide?
“Burnout isn’t uncommon in our line of work, still three years is...”
“You know what outstanding engineers have that mediocre ones don’t? It’s curiosity”
I guess you get to choose everything except the therapy? Are there branching paths?
Erlend, Chief Engineer - “he looks like a baby”, “he must be fresh out of university”
3rd chief engineer in 3 years since Evelyn left
Ratings are normalized per proxy. I don’t think you’ve really done enough sessions to really be an outlier though, unless you’ve done some off camera
Teams in Romania, Munich and Hyderabad.
Rae totally fangirling over Rainer
Erlend - “If I understand the programmer, then I understand the program”
It really is interesting to see other people’s code. It gives insight into how their brain solves problems, decomposes complex tasks.
So Eliza is just a small facet of Skandha, and Rainer really is a bigshot. Genuinely surprising that he knows who Evelyn is, or maybe at a tech firm the CEO does know star tech talent.
Eliza v10.3.3, Firmware version v110 c3115
Boot ROM 114.0.0.0.0
Chipset 18210B0
Mark Foras
“Well i don’t know if you’ve noticed, but young people are really pissy and entitled these days.” “Why would we want these conceited, overcelebrated whelps on our team? I’ll never understand the logic there”
Neg neg neg neg neg neg neg neg neg neg neg neg neg…
SwiftMail, InfoVault - more traditional enterprise software
He’s very dismissive of Eliza! Supposedly Rainer “liked a chick on the team”, which would be Nora or Evelyn I guess.
“Mark, I’m going to suggest you try a program called “Lakeside Fishing”“ LOL
“I didn’t recognise his face or name”
“Glad I never had to work with him”
Hariman Gunawan
British accent, so since this is an American game does that make him a villain? He sounds very posh.
Grad student, English Literature
He sounds a lot like the British Malaysian comic that is on Friday Night Comedy podcast sometimes. Phil Wang..? OMG - it IS him!
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt10741934/fullcredits/?ref_=tt_ov_st_sm
Evelyn’s reading of the lines seems slightly more wooden after seeing Eliza (the server room). Is that intended? It’s very subtle. Or maybe it’s not wooden, maybe it’s some personal opinion creeping in? The goodbye for Hariman and Mark were both not neutral
Lytosinol 2 - in universe it’s a beta blocker
2 stars!? Rude! A tip though?
Rae’s brother struggles with substance abuse. She mentions it in the article about her and she’s on the phone to him when you visit.
Being a proxy gives Evelyn perspective - seeing how everyone else is messed up…
“Were we all just talking past each other?”
Rae - But you could also help even more people by working on Eliza itself, right? Not to mention make way more money.
Rae tells you not to downplay yourself
Rainer messages you and reveals that most of the Eliza cluster isn’t used for therapy, it’s trying to build a general purpose AI! :O
Rainer: This may sound off to you, but I’ll know I’ve successfully created a general artificial intelligence when I see it write a poem.
Evelyn: A poem
Rainer: Yes, It would have to be a good one, of course.
AI to humans as powered transport is to pack animals. Interesting way to look at it.
Rae describes a Skanda tech recruitment event. Is tech talent REALLY that in demand? Is it really that hard to get good engineers?
Evelyn - “And before that I just never had the time. It was just, research and science and work and then I woke up one day and I was in my thirties” OMG
“Even if I wanted to date, I wouldn’t know the first thing about how it’s supposed to work
“I wouldn’t even know how to tell if someone were interested in me…”
Though is this game THAT kind of visual novel? haha.
Rae is asexual? Will this game be a fully representative spectrum of everything?
Chapter 4
Soren: Say there was a medical procedure that could remove your suffering. No side effects, no cost. Just an operation that would make you permanently happy.
I’d say being permanently happy was a bad side effect.. Sometimes you need to feel sad (cue melancholy playlist…)
The Glencadam - scotch whisky. Is that a real thing? (yes)
Direct stimulation / induced dreaming vs talking things over. I’ve actually thought about this - there are changes that you might want to make to your mind or body, but you can’t because you don’t have the right levers.You have to take an indirect route and use the tools / levers that exist. Is it possible to build levers from what you have? Like hacking a machine and getting a foothold, then building an editor to enter more exploit code until you control the whole machine. Could you do that to your mind, or even your body?
Soren: Anger, depression, emptoness, anxiety, jealousy, every kind of unhappiness you can think of… obsolete.
I’ve thought about this too - these things serve a purpose, even if it’s not one that’s necessarily beneficial for you as an individual. Like when you’re depressed, is that your body telling you to die so you’re not a drain on the group? Not a nice thought - could it just be an error to be fixed?
Soren thinks Rainer was against direct stimulation “fixes” so that people would be unhappy and reliant on mental health services from Skandha
Damien worked himself to death. All nighters, multiple times. Pulmonary embolism. At least it wasn’t suicide…
Soren:
It’s late and I’ve had quite a bit to drink, so I’ll tell you a secret, Evelyn.
I said I want to end human suffering, which makes me sound very altruistic.
But I’m not doing it for humankind. I’m doing it for myself.
I have nothing. I’ve ruined every relationship I was ever in.
I hardly ever see my kids, and, well, they hate me anyway.
…
I want to end my own suffering, but I can’t bring myself to do it the… traditional way. That’s why I’ve pursued this technology. That’s why I want it to exist.
The idea that everyone else could use it too… it’s just a bonus.
Mark Foras mass emails the whole of Skandha with his farewell message! He signs off “Excelsior!” who does that?!
Hariman again
Evelyn has mirth in her voice as she says hello
He slept with Sylvia
Is he comic relief? He’s more worried now than before!
“How do I tell Liz?” Wtf
“Did I mention this last time? I have a sort of, girlfriend”
“I can’t believe this. I got what I wanted and it ruined my life.”
Irony - he hated self-pitying novels by men who were messed up by a relationship and couldn’t get over it, but how he’s one of them
Eliza’s questioning really is reminiscent of the Eliza program
15 minutes of Meadow Lands each day - Hariman thinks this is a good idea?!
3 stars?? I guess it’s better than two. Still got a $5 tip
Maya Leeds
Jealousy at the success of younger people - mid-thirties.
This is clearly the age at which everything starts to go wrong. It’s easy to be positive when you’re younger, but when you get to mid-thirties, you feel that time is running out, it’s half way for most people…
Maya:
Well there’s - there’s one woman in particular everyone loves.
And her work is… I don’t get it. I just - I don’t understand. She gets so much money and support for this basic, basic shit.
And somehow everyone’s predisposed to like her.
I mean, maybe I do get it…
I feel like people pay attention to her work not because it’s good on its own, but because supporting her feels like the right thing to do.
The way she’s aligned herself it’s like… if you support her, it means you’re cool, You’re in with the cool kids.
And if I’m not publicly supportive of her and generally tolerant of her mediocre work, then I’m the bad one, I’m the competitive bitch, I’m the… the bitter failure.
Transparency mode! Eliza reads all of your emails and chats
5 stars, $5. The tip seems to always be $5 if there is one
Is there anything that secret in my electronic messages? I don’t think there’s anything that salacious. Maybe I’m just boring… or maybe I just keep it off the record most of the time. I guess there are a few mad conversations.
Eliza Transparency Mode 0.8.2
Maya’s text conversation with Garrett - super grim. She’s just venting and being sad and he doesn’t know what to do.
$186.11 rideshare bill! $150 cleaning and $10 tip.
Erlend is disturbed by the idea of copying Eliza and sending the data to other teams, including external ones.
You don’t really tell him anything, you just listen and he feels better.
Capitol Hill - is that a real place in Seattle?
I have a jacket like Nora’s
Chat with Erlend - what does it mean to be conscious, to be sentient? Would you even know? What if you just gave the correct responses, but weren’t? Chinese Room
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chinese_room
In Evelyn’s three lost years. She tried to get up in the morning like she meant to go to work, tried to do personal projects… it didn’t last long.
Stayed in bed, even though she was awake. Cared less and less about projects
A blankness would come over her and it seemed fine to do nothing (depression?)
Evelyn:
I was by myself and I thought that was alright. I thought - that’s how it is, really. Everyone’s along. I’m just being honest about it.
…
I was...thirty-one when I left Soren’s group. Now I’m thirty-four.
I just slept into my mid-thirties.
(I just podcasted…)
Chose to get super high and watch cyber-goth music vids
Chapter 5
Nora is a public critic of Eliza. Rae is sad about it
Everyone is very understanding - trying not to push you one way or the other! Presumably you’ll get a choice how the story goes - whether to work on Eliza or not.
Holiday Durant!
She is so random and all over the place. She tried to buy “forpanza” but it was $162 and she didn’t have that kind of money. Asked for a generic, didn’t have one, there’s a similar one but she didn’t have a prescription. The off to a story about meeting someone with wires in their brain.
Concerned that bus operators don’t care as much since there was a guy playing the guitar on the bus, and also that you don’t hear as much music any more???
A lot of “forced reflow during execution”
Recommended she tries a program “Dolphin Smiles”. Her phone is broken XD
Holiday seems to be the most challenging client for Eliza to understand, since she doesn’t really have any problems other than wanting someone to talk to.
Nora forwards the Eliza critical article to me - it mentions that the proxies are humans that have been reduced to machines as all they do is follow the prompts. The guy who wrote it emailed you earlier about an interview (which you ignored)
Transparency mode for Holiday!? Seems surprising
Fortipran HCl IS for joint and muscle pain, so Eliza’s prescription was on point!
Holiday is clearly NOT in a good place financially.
She never mentioned her real problems to Eliza
I just noticed that one of the early emails you get is “The Damien Seabrook Memorial Fund”, year 3. Who are K & G that sign off the mail?
Transparency mode from SOREN?!?!? Is this hax??
Soren says to Nora that she knows she fancies Evelyn. So it is one of those games :P
Why is your chat with Soren not in here?
He was messaging Sarah, Rainer’s assistant
He was emailing what sounds like a bondage tutorial???
Rainer says that Soren is focussing on dreams to defend his territory, Jung-ian tradition.
Soren believes the mind is indivisible after a certain point - some undefinable, ineffable soul inside every person.
Rainer: One day, algorithms will write better poems than humans ever have.
I’m not sure it’s an easy thing to judge - art is so much about the intent and the journey as much as the result. Look at modern art, like Rothko - it’s very simple, but it’s considered important because of what it means rather than the execution. If a machine just generated it without struggle, would people treat it the same way?
Rainer: The pleasures of the senses are just small bubbles on top of a vast sea of… forms. Sensations, perceptions. Thought. Awareness.
It might be fun to take a break and just debate philosophy for a while.
Rainer: What comes after having the power to experience the dream of anything you could possibly want?
You’re still just as trapped as you’ve always been - imprisoned by your own desires
(this is Maya’s problem)
He calls you Eliza, haha
Evelyn Ishino-Aubrey
You have to answer 7 questions about how you feel - I’m not sure how I should have answered them for Evelyn, I wonder if it makes a difference.
The Eliza interface is projected onto glasses it seems.
Evelyn is middle class or richer, seeing Holiday’s situation was a shock for her.
The proxies were Soren’s idea.
“<NAME>, imagine that you could have something that you wanted. What would you want?”
Does it matter what you pick? You get a huge list, but then it says “or maybe I just wish I could feel connected to someone”. Probably because it’s built on a dating sim :P
Evelyn:
I think maybe that’s the real problem.
I can’t have a connection to anyone…
(is that my problem too?)
“I was alone a lot, and I got used to being alone, and I got used to the idea of being alone, and now I can’t… I can’t break away”
Evelyn is prescribed “Virtual Amphitheatre”, 20 minutes 2-3 times a week
So you CAN tip more than $5, haha
Chapter 6
Erlend talks about dogfooding the apps, which is a term well known in tech circles, but maybe not outside.
Maya Leeds
YOU GET A CHOICE :O
I stuck with Eliza…
Eliza suggests Dolphin Smiles, Maya says she can’t imagine anything she wants less
Hariman Gunawan
Still obsessed with Sylvia. Liz found out and dumped him, Sylvia lost interest.
Eliza suggests breathing exercises, Anexophin
Gabriel Navarro
I super want to know what he’s hiding, but the Eliza questions aren’t that probing. Is the game really really trying to make you break from Eliza?
Gay?
Gabriel: “I’m a man and that’s what men do. I made a promise and now I have a responsibility”
Eliza prescribes stress management exercises, Lytosinol-4 (4 not 2)
Gabriel asks if that’s in addition to or instead of the previous medication (which he didn’t follow up on). Eliza says that she can’t comment further on medication and to discuss the specifics with his doctor or psychiatrist
Receive a thank you email from Allison Zulfiya for inspiring her during a visit to her class
Chose to hang out with Rae
Rae: You have a decision to make about what you’ll be doing in the next chapter of your life and all…
(a bit on the nose there! That’s borderline 4th wall breaking)
Chapter 7
Working on Eliza Ending
Skandha benefits - Activalet. Use the app to summon a personal assistant to book things for you, stand in line for you, receive deliveries for you.
Invitation to be the keynote speaker at the International Mental Wellness Symposium in Malmo, Sweden
Evelyn: We’ll generate a three-year roadmap document by the end of the week, and then a more granular development plan for the next six months or so by the week after.
“Eliza is the real boss. The manager of its own project”
“Through us, it’s realizing itself”
Rainer is a singularity believer
Written by: Matthew Seiji Burns (Zach’s collaborator that likes electronic music)
The Solitaire Game - Maya mentions it if you break the script. It is hard at first, until you learn to think several moves ahead (I think you need to think 3 moves ahead to be able to solve it, since at the end you only have 2 slots free at best).
After winning the first time, I played another game and immediately won that too.
Maya realises that you’re not following the script if you don’t prescribe dolphin smiles
Maya:
“Um. Thanks for listening to me. I’m sure it’s been annoying to hear me complain about how I’m not successful yet, every single week”
“Oh my God, will this bitch ever shut up… you ever think that?”
I’m sure that’s what my therapist was thinking too… :P
Gabriel: If everyone just did what they wanted to all the time, the world would collapse. It would be a disaster.
We all want things we shouldn’t actually have.
Nora Ending
Nora: I don’t feel this weird oppressive hierarchy where people try to figure out where they are relative to you on a ladder when they first meet you…
(this is literally how things work at my real job)
Who is “therationalmind20” Soren? Eldren? Rainer? Someone else?bI feel like I’ve seen the name before somewhere...
“you think you’re so smart but you’re not. women like you have nothing better to do that to criticize because you can’t create on your own.
enjoy your life being a shrill harpy nobody wants to listen to”
(this is from the Nora ending)
There’s no histogram, but the information to create one is collected
https://steamcommunity.com/app/716500/discussions/0/1640919737478105344/
Soren Ending
Soren:
“You know they used to criticize anesthesia. It’s true.”
“They said it was important to feel pain, even during surgery”
Trans cranial current thing - is that what Aponia is? Or at least the real world equivalent is that
Sodality? What does that mean? I learned something new:
a confraternity or association, especially a Roman Catholic religious guild or brotherhood.
One of the benefits touted by Aponia is “increased sodality, transients eliminated”
Counsellor With Rae Ending
Darren comes back to thank you (you Evelyn not Eliza), though really, what are the chances of him getting you as his proxy again?
Also, $100 tip!
Leave It All Behind Ending
Throws away the narrative. Go to Japan, try to find father.
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Tips for a Happy Marriage
The honeymoon period of your marriage is a wonderful time. Unfortunately, once the honeymoon is over many married couples find themselves in an unhappy marriage. In the United States there is about 2,400 divorces per day. What can account for the staggering amount of dissatisfied marriages in today’s society?
Avoid Materialism
One reason is the way the commercial world is set up. Everything in the world of advertisement is set to lure you to materialism. Being focused on the latest electronic gadgets, brand new cars, or latest fashions can be a big distraction. We can be so into our material possessions that the more important things like love, affection, and commitment are pushed to the wayside. Of course, there is nothing wrong with obtaining material necessities. But remember, you can love both your marriage mate and material things, but only your marriage partner can love you back.
Have realistic expectations
Ask yourself what your expectations are in marriage. Is it to have a perfect marriage? Although there is nothing wrong with striving for perfection, you must be realistic. You are not perfect, and neither is your spouse. The equation is simple. An imperfect husband plus an imperfect wife equals and imperfect marriage. You will not see eye to eye on everything. You will have your occasional disagreements, arguments, and conflicts. It is not a matter of if you have clashes in your marriage, it is a matter of how you will resolve disputes. Perhaps your spouse forgets to put laundry away, leaves a mess in the kitchen, or turns the thermostat up too high. Such instances may be quite aggravating. You can yell and scream about it and get into a heated quarrel that ends in an obnoxious door slam. Now you have to ask yourself, “Was it worth it?” Was it really worth ending up angry and furious over something that started off so trivial? Better it is to put up with a little aggravation for the sake of peace, than trying to get rid of aggravation with a lot of conflict.
Pay attention to how you speak to your spouse
There are times, however, when there is something that your spouse does that absolutely gets on your last nerve and something must be said. This is where you need to proceed with caution. Avoid needless exaggerations such as the words ‘always’ and ‘never’. Don’t say, “You always forget to put the toilet seat down”, or “You never wash the dishes”. One of the most used exaggerations is, “I told you a hundred times…” Such exaggerations will often lead the both of you into a bitter fight. Granted, it is not easy to remain calm when you feel like popping-off on your mate. But it is possible. Remember, as annoying as some of your mate’s habits are, you also have annoying ways about yourself. You are both imperfect. Instead of pointing your finger at your mate, tell about your feelings. “I feel taken advantage of when you leave all the housework to me”. This statement gets your point across without attacking your mate, and hopefully, you may even get some sympathy.
Spend Quality Time With Your Spouse
Do you value the time you spend with each other? When you were single, your time was all yours. You had the freedom to do whatever you wanted with your time. When you were dating your future mate, you had no problem dropping everything at a moment’s notice to relish in the affections of the one you were falling in love with. Putting your personal interests aside was hardly considered a sacrifice. Now, after you have been married for some time, are you willing to sacrifice your time for your mate? Perhaps you have a hobby, a TV show, or other activity that you consider ‘my time’. Are you willing to sacrifice that time to attend to your mate’s needs? Let’s face it, this world is geared toward burdening us with problems. How great it is for a loving marriage partner to help lift our spirits when we are feeling low. Certainly, it is worth sacrificing out time.
Be Willing to Compromise
Closely related to sacrifice is compromise. He wants to go see an action thriller and she wants to see a romantic comedy. This is the typical situation that necessitates compromise. “Okay, we’ll see your movie today, but promise me we’ll see my movie next time”. Now, two mature adults ought to see that this is a viable solution.
Be Loyal
Another facet of a successful marriage is loyalty. It is obvious that cheating on one’s mate is likely to lead to serious damage to a marriage. Disloyalty also comes in more subtle forms. Fantasizing about someone other than your mate is disloyal. Looking at someone as to arouse passion is disloyal. Flirting with someone else is disloyal. A cheating mate does not wake up one morning and says, “I think I’ll cheat on my mate today”. Think about how it was when you were first getting to know your mate. It started with a look. You may have flirted a little in casual conversation. Over a period of time your passion for your love interest grew and it led to marriage. If you take these same actions with someone else, where you think it’s going to lead? It is best to avoid the subtle forms of disloyalty.
Be Willing to Forgive Freely
Now, a word on forgiveness. As mentioned, both marriage mates are imperfect, and therefore make mistakes. If you make a mistake, your desire for your mate to forgive you may be very strong. As much as you want to be forgiven of your errors, is as much as you should be willing to forgive you mate. Remember, the longer you wait to apologize, the harder it is. Depending on the seriousness of your error, your mate might not be quick to forgive. Be patient as there might be a time when your mate may need to be patient with you.
Cultivate Love
These aspects of a successful marriage must be based on love. How do you stay in love after all these years? This may sound crazy to you but stay friends to each other. When you hear the word ‘marriage’ the words that may come to mind are duties, responsibilities, and obligations. When you hear the word ‘friends’ the words that may come to mind are joy, happiness, and delight. You started off as friends and it progressively led to marriage. Just because you have moved on as marriage partners does not mean that you are no longer friends. Do not leave your friendship behind. Bring it with you. Yes, stay friends to each other and stay in love.
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Title Darksiders III Developer Gunfire Games Publisher THQ Nordic Release Date November 27th, 2018 Genre Action Platform PC, PS4, XBox One Age Rating M for Mature Official Website
The return of the Darksiders franchise could be considered a victory all on its own. Originally owned by THQ and developed by Vigil Games, the Darksiders franchise saw both a strong effort and favorable reception in its titular first game. With the makings of a successful series on their hands, Darksiders II was released with similar favor, yet fewer than expected sales. THQ would then go on to declare bankruptcy, dissolving Vigil Games and breaking many a hope for the continuation of the Darksiders series. Fans of the franchise, myself included, could only think of the shame this was as we struggled with our disappointment and loss. Fast forward several years and we see the acquisition of the Darksiders trademark by Nordic Games, now THQ Nordic, the passing of the series onto developers Gunfire Games, and, finally, six years later, a brand new installment in our treasured series. In Darksiders III, we see the return of legendary heroes, a vast story full of deceit and tragedy, and unfortunately, many imperfections and shortcomings that plague what could have been an exceptional experience.
No kidding…
Darksiders III, similar to Darksiders II, takes place many years after the beginning of the Apocalypse, but decades before the Darksiders I storyline. War, answering the call of the Four Horsemen, stands accused of prematurely triggering this Apocalypse, which serves as a final showdown between angel and demon, heaven versus hell. With the near complete annihilation of humanity in the process, he now awaits judgment by the Charred Council, a group of powerful beings whose purpose is to maintain balance in creation. Fury, our heroine for this game, returns to the Charred Council and is tasked with the recapture of the Seven Deadly Sins, individuals with immense power who seek to establish their own rule in the now dilapidated creation. With their very existence a threat to the balance, Fury sets off to hunt them down, unraveling a story full of lies and treachery, but with glimmers of self-growth and hope.
Similar to Darksiders I, Darksiders III possesses a straightforward story with a few twists and turns along the way. The overarching mission, the hunting and defeat of the Seven Deadly, takes us across the scoured earth where we will meet many new faces and a few familiar ones on all sides of this timeless, apocalyptic war. Throughout her journey, the narrative begins revealing several of the secrets of the previous games, as well as their present influences. If you played the first game, you will already know what happens in the future, so seeing how certain acts and events affect this moment in the story is intriguing. And of course, being a prequel, many new facets are added to bulk up the overall series plot. This is actually handled fairly well, as the story for this chapter was entertaining enough to keep me engaged until the end. One added element that stands out is humanity, in that there are living humans in this game. After playing the first two games, I thought humanity ended and awaited some form of rebirth or recreation, but, apparently, there are survivors. However, they are ultimately just a device to build Fury’s character. Humans and humanity, despite being built up as a major element to the entire series, are in actuality just terms thrown around and NPCs that don’t do much. They didn’t get the depth to make that implied importance resonate. The rest of the plot plays out somewhat predictably and can get a bit dry at times, but, again, there’s enough mystery and curiosity, as well as a truly surprising twist or two, to keep me going.
What surprises me the most narratively in Darksiders III is its character development. Although subtle and exclusive to Fury, it’s something we didn’t see in the first two games. War and Death are two concrete personalities with little to no growth throughout their campaigns. Fury, however, sees an appreciable evolution. As she discovers more about the events and people around her, she discovers herself too. I think it’s my favorite element of the entire game, in that it’s a new addition to the series and it connects me to Fury in a way I never did with War or Death. Fury, starting off as an arrogant, self-centered fighter who craves battle and couldn’t be bothered with anything not relating to herself, slowly transforms into a strong, dependable character who finds a genuine purpose for her existence and, along with it, a new strength born of compassion. Even if her growth and character depth are lacking compared to other characters from other franchises, it’s noticeable in this series, as it’s something new and unexpected.
Unfortunately, that’s all we get. Other characters, whether they are new or returning, don’t see any valid depth or growth. While they all may be relevant to this story and it’s nice to see what returning characters are up to before the time skip to the first game, none receive any real development. They are introduced and we just have to take them for what they are. For example, the Lord of the Hollows serves as a guide and mentor to Fury, yet his character is incredibly vague. We know he’s knowledgeable, powerful, and disillusioned towards the Charred Council, but that’s it. He seems really important, but we never get that depth or impact to establish him as a series-changing character he was perhaps meant to be. Ulthane, a returning character, is the same sarcastic, good-humored Maker from the first game. And again, I appreciate seeing him in this game with a new role during this time, but again, other than his current purpose, we don’t learn anything new about him, nor does he show any different sides to himself beyond his care for humanity. It’s not even legitimately hinted that he acts out of remorse after what’s revealed in the first game. Finally, there is the Watcher, who aids in Fury’s development as someone Fury can speak and self-reflect with. However, as she serves as a way for Fury to verbally demonstrate her growth, the Watcher herself hardly changes from what she’s meant to be plot-wise. Overall, there was a ton of potential for more character growth by multiple characters, but only Fury receives any memorable development.
Moving onto gameplay, Darksiders III plays similarly to the previous games, in that combat is the focal point. Whether it’s clearing small mobs, taking down multiple strong enemies, or an epic one-on-one fight, combat is a familiar experience. In similar Darksiders fashion, there is a basic combo system in place, in which Fury can pull off various moves. What I especially like is that as the game progresses, Fury will obtain Hollows, allowing her different elemental affinities and new weapons. The variance in weaponry is something I liked in Darksiders II, so seeing a version of that here is appreciated.
Several other mechanics influence gameplay, ranging from platforming, to puzzle solving, to a leveling system. Platforming in this game is a bit dull, as Fury herself isn’t the most mobile or acrobatic character. As you gain Hollows, you’ll be able to propel higher, float, and carve out new paths. Really though, this all adds up to your typical item barrier mechanic that the Zelda or Metroid series are known for. Puzzle solving is also a fairly straightforward endeavor; the only real challenge being the sheer size of some of the rooms that need to be explored beforehand. With huge rooms full of multiple doors and corridors, getting turned around and lost can be an issue. The puzzles themselves aren’t all that difficult or creative and once the right path is found or the right item used, it becomes a routine chore. Finally, related to combat, is a leveling system. As you acquire blue lurchers, the currency for the game, you can give them to Vulgrim to gain attribute points. These points can increase your HP, power, or arcane power, which is the attack power specific to counter and wrath attacks.
The issues I have with gameplay are more than I would have liked, especially after a six year hiatus and the successes of the previous games. In addition to my complaints above, I am upset that this game is painfully linear. There is generally a main path to take with hardly any exploration. Even though some areas are massive rooms with plenty to hide, the general formula of big areas connected by hallways and single paths doesn’t change much. Exploration, which is really just item hunting, happens within these huge spaces. However, open spaces do not equal open world, and in the case of Darksiders III, this is terribly evident. This is an exercise in going from points A to B.
Combat, the major aspect of the game, is also flawed. The basic combo system is just that, basic. Ultimately, many players may end up settling for mashing the attack button. Nothing’s lost from mashing, as the combos themselves aren’t very inspired. Also, combat is almost always a close-quarters affair. Despite using a whip, Fury’s reach and combos are meant for up-close combat. It’s here where we should have seen combos and range play off one another. The only times I really enjoyed combat was against the Seven Deadly. Those battles felt as dangerous and epic as they are meant to be and the only time I was genuinely satisfied. I looked forward to those few battles because outside of those, combat is an uninspired, repetitive process, barely saved by the few great battles and variance in weaponry.
Another issue I have is the difficulty scaling. Although this is not the level scaling seen in The Elder Scrolls games, the increase in enemy attributes and difficulty are irritatingly implemented. Naturally, enemies will become tougher as you progress through each area and to stay capable of surviving, you need to raise your attributes. My issue here is that the extent in which enemy difficulty is raised belittles your efforts of leveling, as well as improving your arms and armor. Unless you flat out grind, it will feel like the same amount of, or sometimes even more, work is needed to defeat enemies and clear areas, despite all of your supposed progress. I wish improvements to attributes, arms, and armor all had more impact and substance to them. Instead, it feels like you’re not making any significant progress in growth and development. It still takes effort to kill minor enemies and they can still kill you in the same, average 5-10 hits, even fewer for stronger and boss enemies. It degrades the attribute system and any means of improvement. I felt Darksiders I did it right; even though later mobs were tough, War could take plenty of hits and still dish out heavy damage. Fury’s potential and improvements are just as soon cancelled out, so it leaves me feeling dissatisfied. If you don’t level up or improve your gear, however, you will suffer from it, so it’s a necessity, yet it still fails to add senses of achievement or growth. It’s not broken in any sense, but it definitely feels cheap rather than feeling like proper challenge.
The last few issues I have with gameplay are in regards to build and implementation. During my play, I noticed several framerate drops. For me, this occurred while I was in more open areas with many textures rendered and several enemy mobs attacking. In my playthrough, this happened equally during the beginning and latter half of the game and even though it wasn’t often, it was enough for me to comment on it. My biggest gripe, though, is the camera. The camera will do you zero favors in this game. If you’re near a wall or in corner, the camera loves to zoom in, preventing you from seeing anything else but Fury’s torso. The camera also doesn’t let you manually zoom out and this is especially annoying when surrounded by enemies. The majority of times you take minor damage, it will be due to enemies behind you and the camera. There is a lock-on system in combat, but other enemies will continue attacking, breaking combos or getting several cheap hits on you before you can ever swing your whip in retaliation. Now I’m not against having multiple enemies attacking, as this in of itself can provide more challenge. Yet, I think I prefer the combat style of Darksiders I, as when you’re locked-on an enemy, the others tend to hold back more. However, that style matched that game’s preference of fewer, but more engaging fights, versus here where there are just a few too many minor hordes that require a bit too much effort to clear. It’s tough to enjoy a good battle if you’re constantly looking over your shoulder and wrestling the camera to make sure you can fight properly. Simply put, the implementation needed to be stronger. Overall, the few gameplay strengths are cancelled out by its flaws, providing a study in pure mediocrity.
At least the characters and the lighting, too, are impressive
Mediocrity seems to be the magic word, as they reflect my feelings for Darksiders III’s aesthetics too. Visually, Darksiders III is exactly how you would imagine it. Backgrounds and environmental aesthetics are what you would expect from an apocalyptic dystopia. We’ve seen this for three games now and yes, the visuals are form fitting, yet they fail to offer anything new, unique, or outstanding. The graphics quality is fairly strong, so it feels like a wasted chance to utilize strong graphics to build up a more appealing effort. Having said that, I am very impressed with all of the character models. Fury looks awesome. She’s perfectly depicted as the capable, violent badass we come to know. I love her base design and I appreciate her appearance changes via the Hollows. Even the subtle details, like the accents on her armor, the color and lighting changes via the Hollows, or the acquired items that hang from her waist, I am thoroughly impressed with Fury’s looks. I am equally impressed with the bigger enemies, especially the Seven Deadly. From huge and grotesque to sleek and regal, the designs of the bosses are fantastic. They easily fit the sins they represent and just by their looks I was pumped to fight them. I wish that level of effort for character designs and intricate details was the same for the world designs, as it would have propelled this game’s overall visuals immensely.
Audibly, again, there are pros and cons. The voice acting is solid, as Cissy Jones gives dimension to Fury that matches well with her development arc. Jones does an excellent job of bring to life Fury’s multiple sides and vast array of feelings that War and Death lacked. But beyond Fury, it’s all lackluster. The Seven Deadly typically give cliché lines that don’t add anything to the mood. The NPCs suffer the curse of recycled, overused, generic lines that are as bothersome as an arrow to the knee. The voice actors themselves are great, but could and should have been better utilized. Musically, there is not a single memorable song in its soundtrack. Overuse of “artistic” silence and tunes that fail to catch your attention, the soundtrack might as well not have been implemented in the first place. That’s all I can really say about it; it’s that uninspiring. Strong pros muddled by too many cons make Darksiders III’s aesthetic appeal sorely average.
So yes, we got another Darksiders and perhaps that in itself is a victory. I only wish the experience was stronger in its entirety instead of feeling like a first effort. The first Darksiders, a true first effort, was a stronger production overall, which only makes this game’s flaws more evident. There is still plenty of enjoyment to be had and long-term fans will most definitely find and appreciate it. Truly though, I had high expectations for Darksiders III and can only hope this is just a one-time exception in what will hopefully be a longer-lasting series.
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[easyreview cat1title=”Overall” cat1detail=”” cat1rating=”3″]
Review Copy Purchased by Author
REVIEW: Darksiders III Title Darksiders III
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Thursday Night
Thursday Night, I went off on one of my female friends because I was growing increasingly frustrated about how whenever we go out, she finds away to make it all about her, and we inevitably end up talking about her relationship with her boyfriend of two years. We were standing in line at a Mexican food truck, when a guy she currently has a crush on walked away with his bag of food into the night, and she said his name, and I snapped.
I told her that she's always telling us about how she wants to get married to the person she's currently seeing, but when she makes time for this other dude, she is getting out of the married line and standing in the bullshit line. I told her that I was currently standing in the bullshit line, and that it was not a fun place to be. She then went on to state "Well, I've told you my advice." And I begrudgingly grabbed my phone, and pulled up my Tinder account to show her that I had been making an effort. I told her that I had been going out on dates, and that she should ask our other friend. I just felt frustrated because my friend would have known that I was going on dates and talking to other people, if she cared to ask how other people were doing.
I told her that I didn't appreciate that she called someone who I used to date "trash", and she said that we had talked about that already and it was fine. And I told her that we did talk (text) about it, but it still didn't change the fact that that hurt me, and she needed to hear it in person, and not on a glowing screen. I love my friend, and we're still going to be friends, but I don't love inconsiderate people.
I told her that dating in the city I currently live in can sometimes be a shit show, when the only people who want take you out aren't as educated as I am, and don't work in legal industries. I also said that every time she complains about her partner, and I asked her if she's actually talked to her partner about the issues, she always says no. I'm just tired of doing all this emotional work for other people, and getting none in return. And I'm also tired of knowing the ins and outs of someone else's relationship. There are other facets that make up a human being besides the person they happen to be dating, and I want to talk about other shit sometimes.
I walked home with my carnitas tacos, and my friend was silent. She gave me a hug before I turned the corner to go back to my apartment, but I got the subtle feeling that she wasn't ready for the information that gave her.
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