#And I can't ask for like light duty at my job on account of the understaffing...

[iero]

The closer my wisdom teeth surgery date gets (It's in a week from today), the more nervous I fucking get. A surgery that is usually for late teens/early 20 year olds has become one of the most nerve wracking things anticipated in a long time.

[manytoonepoet13]

Fragaria Memories - Ever Red Visual Analysis Essay

"I still remember, the sun, the memories, and the lack of guidance, shown in this cross section of this red pieces/fragment. Truth/reality, even in time, you can't take it away. Forever certain, this is something I will not forget."

(Duration of Analysis: December 2023 - April 2024).

A. Wiki (Intro Tab: Overview of the story section).

The mains of each bouquet is shown through little fragments with the colour of their respectively bouquet. Though, note that Cielomort and Badobarm's fragments are showcasing their entire face, this shows that they're a whole, complete, untouched by the corruption of the anxiety brought by the seeds.

Now, look at Hallritt's fragment, a part of his face is cut-off right across the surface of his fragment, "Cross section of this piece/fragment". His purity - something so precious to him was taken away, not only that, but it was reversed. He was reversed, giving birth to his alter-ego, this evil Hallritt. Additionally, the part that was taken out matches perfectly with the "evil" part shown in the mv - this being a little clue for what is to come.

B. Music Video (Analyzing frames that feel important).

From what I've noticed while watching the mv, it has this margin that maintained throughout the mv, which is rather reminiscent of a camera, befitting the line "I still remember", 0:55, that would pop up along the intro. The connection here is that he's recalling these memories as if he was watching them through an old videotape. Though since his and his friend's memories don't align, it felt like an error in his mind (think of a movie where you told your friend about a certain scene and they disregard it, saying that it didn't happen in the movie and told you about a completely different scene instead), therefore causing the glitches we frequently see in the mv.

Another connection to the glitches is this shot of the Fragaria crest with impeccable lighting, I may add, making everything look oh so great before the "camera fell" and the lenses shattered (shown in various scenes throughout the mv but it's more prominent in this scene), the everything became lone, corrupted and gray, 1:05 - 1:11.

Who was holding the camera you might ask? Hallritt. After all, the ones who get to hold the camera are those who get to tell the story (quote pointed out by my best friend).

This is due to the reason that 1.) This is Hallritt's pov and he's the main character and 2.) He's too optimistic - Merold, 2024.

He's always excited whenever he's given the chance to help, he's passionate about fulfilling his duty that it feels like his joy and love for his job and the people around him is overflowing. This is why he's holding the camera, the one who got to tell the story. The one who caused all of this.

The next scene needed to be taken into account is the overlapping clocks 1:28 - this may symbolizes the, as the name suggests, overlapping of timelines. - As we know, there are two separate timelines, told by the voice dramas and the songs. The latter somewhat foreshadowing what happened in the past timeline.

Other than that, I have a feeling that maybe, just maybe, there might be a timeloop in Fragaria.

Now, why do I think there's a possible timeloop?

CLOCKS. While yes, the clocks may mean that time has passed and they can no longer turn it back, they could also mean that they are running out of time before the loop restarts.

I'll assume that it's the seeds' corruption on Hallritt that allowed this timeloop to start. And this aligns with the seeds' form of corruption as well, anxiety.

This timeloop theory is more on a figurative and psychological sense rather than a literal and physical one. This will be in relation as to how Hallritt was feeling upon being corrupted.

Since the seeds bring anxiety, I believe we should take a look at that. -Many people have repetitive anxious "thoughts" that trigger fear responses and believe they will never be able to get rid of them. - AnxietyCentre.com. "Can't take it away." "I still remember."

This is where the timeloop theory comes into play:

Hallritt's been corrupted, and is now having these anxious thoughts (memories), about causing the destruction during the first timeline. And now in the current timeline, he's once again having these thoughts because he still remembers what he has done, and while he's trying to make a change, he's also anxiously counting down the minutes until it's gonna happen again.

When corruption shall resurface.

After all, the current world is already corrupted, shown in this close up of the Fragaria crest now rusty (shown in various clips). The knowledge and sight of this may be Hallritt's trigger, causing him to have a fear response.

That response being the glitched out image of him and his friends, 3:29, that paired with the margin, makes it look like an actual videotape that one could watch (as pointed out earlier). This may contribute to the next scene where the words "Live in memories" appear, as well as when the color of the background went from, red to white, the red again, only for the transition to take place (which looks like the opening and closing of the eyes, most probably Hallritt's), switching to white once more, then a blur, then gray, with each of the other knights' crest orbiting around Hallritt's before disappearing one by one.

What I would like to pay attention to is the thing is, despite Merold's crest being flashed first, his crest disappeared last, giving the impression that he knows something. Given that earlier, 1:27, him and hallritt were together in the middle of the line "Can't take it away". Other than that, later on, 2:43, he transitioned from his usual color palette to black and white. (Your Melody may give us some insights as to what that may be).

The transition from red, to white then black represents how Hallritt vies the current timeline, how every was so vibrant, rendered to black and white. (This, I believe, is where his repetitive, anxious thoughts is shown).

Other than that, my bestfriend also pointed out that the mv is basically just red, gray, then glitch and repeat, which gives way to the timeloop theory pointed out earlier.

I would also like to point out that in the second timeline, it's not Hallritt that is corrupting the world, it's the world that's corrupting Hallritt. Let me explain; the overlapping of timelines I've mentioned earlier plays here: It is because of that fact why the seeds are still having power over the world, why the Fragarian crest is already rusty, because despite the fact that the timeline restarted, the overlapping caused it to be corrupted by default, further triggering Hallritt's thoughts, leading him to think this will only last until the "end" of time.

"Ever Last".

He can never forget it, he will always be tied down by the ribbon's hold as if he was on a leash, bring everyone down with him, 3:42 - 3:45.

But he doesn't want that, no.

He doesn't want to hurt people, especially since it was all his fault, because of his "lack of guidance".

So he'll just glitch himself out of the picture, just so he'll not cause any more problems, 3:49. After all, that's what he is, right? A glitch?

But if there is one that's certain, "this is something I will never forget".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The knights ask for nothing in return for their love."

[recurring-polynya]

I like how your lieutenants math headcanons post implies Yumichika does tax evasion. How else does squad 11 afford repairs for all the times it has presumably been trashed by enthusiastic brawling.

This is not the first time I have accused Yumichika of doing a little light embezzling, you know, as a hobby.

One of my favorite ironies of the Gotei-13 setup is that you become captain by merit of being good at beating people up, but then the job itself is like 49% paperwork and 49% management, with ass-kicking taking up the other 2%, if you're lucky. I think the actual most important function of a captain, and the one thing that cannot really be delegated to a lieutenant, is asking for money.

It's always very vague what all of the non-specialist squads do with their time and resources. I imagine though, that in addition to whatever Bullshit-of-the-Day Yamamoto makes his captains do, they have general standing duties. I imagine there's something similar to a bid process that goes into this. When there is new work that needs to be done, any captain that's interested in taking it on would have to provide a proposal for why their squad is suited for that task and what resources they would require to get it done. (Or sometimes Yamamoto might make everyone submit a proposal, whether anyone wants that job or not). At the end of the year, they have to provide accounting of their costs and summaries of their accomplishments. A savvy captain is good at figuring out which tasks are going to bring in cash and acclaim to their squad, which, in turn, is going to allow them to recruit better people, reward their high performers, and provide their officers with interesting and rewarding work. A proven track record is going to go a long way in winning future work, but so is knowing how to work the system. Here's where the system is pretty broken (I say, with utmost affection), because if you look at say, Squad 6, Byakuya a) knows all of the secrets of writing Proposals Central 46 Loves to Get because his grandfather was making him write these things for his allowance when he was 10 years old, b) people love to do favors for him because he's rich, and c) he can use his own money/money the clan approves as a discretionary fund for planting cherry trees and buying everyone dress uniforms, so that stuff never has to show up as a line item so his expenses always look super-clean. Other captains have their own techniques for getting cashola--no one understands what Mayuri does, so when he asks for 12 million kan to develop illuminated shadow-defeating inflatable armor (with color-changing LEDs), they're like "sure, sounds legit." Unohana just asks very politely and drops some vague hints about her very precise knowledge of anatomy. This is also the reason that Squad 10 is constantly doing all of the worst jobs-- Hitsugaya bids on everything and is extremely honest and ethical. Even Ukitake plays the game better than he does.

But you know who does not? Zaraki. Zaraki could not give two shits about this. He does not want to read the monthly RFP roundup newsletter. He does not want to write memos. He just wants to fight things. Give him something to fight. I think Squad 11 officers already get paid below standard rates because most of them did not graduate Shin'ou, which bumps them way down on the Gotei-equivalent of the GS scale. As you say, they break their own shit, constantly. And on top of that, I think Zaraki also has almost no concept of what money is worth. He's a simple guy with pretty simple desires. He lives on base, has, like, three outfits, and goes drinking sometimes. You can't even buy a really sweet truck in Soul Society. He comes from the literal worst part of the Rukon, which probably didn't even use money-- everything is luxurious to him.

I think a lot of the Squad 11 guys buy into the Zaraki lifestyle. They're also from the Rukon, they're just happy to have a sword and their weekly booze. But on the other hand, they are vastly under-compensated relative to their work. I think everyone has a roommate, whereas most seated officers in other squads get personal quarters. There are strong fighters elsewhere in the Gotei, people with experience and fighting knowledge, that would consider joining Squad 11, but they're not taking the pay cut. They can't keep seated officers. Every so often, they get an insane person (Renji, Iba) who joins for some limited period of time. It ups their vibe enormously, and then that person leaves after they've worked through whatever personal shit that led them to join Squad 11 in the first place.

So, Yumichika does what he has to do. He reads the the monthly RFP roundup newsletter, and if anything sounds like it involves a lot of violence, he uses his graphic design skills and his rock-bottom budget to put together a nice little proposal, and sends it off with Yachiru to Squad 1. Zaraki is not even really cognizant of this process, he just knows that sometimes they get good jobs that he likes. For as low as his budgets are, Yumichika still knows how to pad them out extensively, and how to file for project year extensions.

He's also the one who controls intra-squad expenditures. Yes, we would all to spend our entire budget on "swords", but unfortunately, we have to pay for the mess hall you buffoons exploded last week if you ever want to eat again. Yumichika may give off the appearance of extravagance, but he is very much the "pulls into the drivethru and orders (1) small black coffee" to the rest of Squad 11's "McDonalds! McDonalds! McDonalds!"

Also, for the record, he very much does do some straight-up embezzling. Eye feathers don't pay for themselves, you know.

[just-thoughts-no-vibes]

Every day I think about how the Legend of Korra Season 4 could have been one of the best parts of the entire Avatar franchise if the main villain wasn't a new big evil, but already established issues that should have been dealt with long ago.

Ever since the original series, the authors have presented the Earth Kingdom as a place that even without war has a million problems because it's ruled by incompetent monarchs who do not care about the people and whose lack of interest is used by other parts of this corrupt machine.

We have seen how great the class difference is in all parts of the kingdom, especially in Ba Sing Se, how the army treats civilians, how they are willing to send children to war, how the most powerful force in the kingdom can betray its people in a second, how the queen enslaves her people believing they belong to her, how the prince won't lift a finger to help his people, how the king won't even listen to the peasants until the Avatar threatens him, and much more.

In addition to the problems in the Earth Kingdom, we have also seen the problem of apathy coming from other world leaders who have turned their backs on a country that has fallen into chaos. No one except Tenzin lifted a finger to help in any way. They sent no money, no medical or military aid. Their fix was putting an 18-year-old in charge and leaving her to do everything herself.

Two things specifically catch my eye. The only man who actually tried to do something is a member of a nation that has no material resources, no army, and has just begun to recover from the genocide. On the other hand, the leader of the ex-Fire Nation colony that was never given back to the Earth Kingdom didn't provide any help for the said kingdom. The only thing he did was ask a super-rich person to do something, she said no, and he was like oh well too bad. Also yes, I have a problem with Suyin in this situation, not because she refused to be a temporary leader, but because she had the means to help and chose to do nothing. It would be one thing if she were a regular civilian who couldn't do much, but she is not. She is literally among the top 5 richest people in the world, a ruler of the only province in the kingdom that wasn't affected by the death of the queen, and has a metal-bending army that is acknowledged worldwide. Yet, I don't remember her doing anything to help, be it just sending some funds.

Basically, there are so many issues surrounding the Earth Kingdom and Season 4 was the IDEAL time to talk about them. The setup was perfect: the country is in chaos, the avatar can't help, the richest layer of society does nothing, the only world ruler who tries to help is the air nomad, and everyone is okay with the throne being taken by a spoiled prince who doesn't care about the duties of a king.

And just think how much more interesting Kuvira would be in this scenario. I always saw her being a villain as a cheap way to say "Oh look! She is awful! Now you have to ignore everyone else being bad because she is the REAL bad guy!". And to be completely honest, taking into account her backstory, the way she was raised in Zaofu, the fact that she genuinely wanted to help, a lot of things that were said about her by other characters, and the way she surrendered and acted in Ruins of the Empire, it's completely out of place for her to be a villain. She would work just perfectly as a character who is easy to villainize but is not actually evil. She could have been used to criticize the monarchy and the world leaders while also questioning Avatar's place in the world. Literally everyone would benefit from her being a villain: monarchs who don't want to be seen in a bad light because of her reign, world leaders who don't want to be perceived as bad because they did nothing while a teenage girl risked her life every day to do the job, Suyin who turned a blind eye on suffering and ultimately abandoned Kuvira to do everything herself, and Korra who needs to prove she is still useful even if Kuvira was the one taking care of everything.

With Kuvira as a villain, they don't have to work on themselves and their policies, they don't need to change anything, and the status quo remains. But if Kuvira wasn't a villain, but a character that people want and need to be evil, then we could truly look into the core of the problem, that is, the system itself. The world would be forced into radical changes, or at least the beginning of them. The government would be questioned like never before, the richest would be seen for what they really are, and the Avatar wouldn't be able to just beat a new villain and thus regain importance but would have to adapt to the needs of this new world.

But hey, it's easier to make a villain because of whom we simply can't concentrate on the cardinal mistakes of other characters, than actually criticize the system that is the problem. It was cowardly of the authors and I have to say it's really icky that a character who wanted to retrieve colonized land was evil.

[neodiji]

Wow, life.

Work is a mess, but I still don't see myself doing anything else. There is a teacher shortage FOR A REASON (well, several reasons...) and it is well-documented, yet nobody actually does anything about it. More duties are added to our plates that we need to complete on our own time, and it just isn't manageable. We don't have planning time anymore because we have meetings and other tasks to do. Teaching has always been like this to some extent, but it just keeps getting worse. Additionally, due to aforementioned teacher shortage, class sizes are larger so that makes the workload heavier just by itself (more students to take into account, assess, track data on, communicate with families about, learn their styles, etc.) We're also not really allowed to give consequences for misbehavior anymore, which makes classroom management harder -- but then we're evaluated on keeping the kids "controlled" during our official observations, so there is a huge disconnect there. To be fair, the system itself has been failing for decades. It just. Keeps. Getting. Worse.

Yet...YET...I live for the moments when my kids' eyes light up about reading, or when they master something that was originally difficult for them. I love when they beg to do more math in their "free time" and when they ask me to play learning games at recess. I love teaching them to celebrate themselves and take pride in working hard. I love when my shy students finally find their voices, or when my impulsive kids use their calm-down strategies and words instead of their hands to solve problems. I adore hearing from families, "Wow, you are making such a difference in my child's life. He comes home now and he WANTS to read..." I love that I have four or five of my kids from my class last year who make it a point to come give me a hug every morning before the day starts, even though their new classroom this year is on a different hallway.

Teaching is so hard, but it's worth it to me. I absolutely could not handle this job if I was married with kids though. It's a good thing I'm aroace and have no desire for the "traditional lifestyle."

Personal-life-wise, my parents' health have been declining. They are in hospitals or skilled nursing facilities more than anywhere else. When they are home, they need around-the-clock care. It is so draining to be a caregiver. I feel depleted. My daily schedule for the past 7 months has been "teach all day (which is already a demanding job) and then go to the hospital/SNF/home and see to their extensive needs all evening and night." I taught summer school too, because I am in desperate need of money. I'm so lucky my sister takes over during the day, so I can keep working and I don't lose my job. This lifestyle is B R E A K I N G me though. I am so exhausted. I am not my best teacher self when I'm so tired and emotionally drained. I am not my best self, period, when I'm trying to take care of so many other people that "self-care" is basically nonexistent.

But...BUT...I have been writing more. Writing SuzaLulu is helping me cope, and it's what I'm choosing to do in my moments of Me Time (usually Saturday evenings, when my brother can come over and take over Parent Duty). It's so different from writing Blackmail. I am not planning or agonizing over my writing. I just type what I want, and it's just for fun so there are no expectations. I can't fail. Plot doesn't make sense? Whatever, it's just fanfic. It's amazing. I am enjoying writing these idiots again. I do feel nostalgic for the Code Geass fandom experience from years ago, but I'm also loving starting to make new connections and embracing how things currently are. Fandom is a wonderful escape from the pressures of daily life. So in that respect, I am choosing to write for self-care. So that's what I call personal progress.

Also, as much as I hate this care-giving lifestyle, I am more appreciative than ever for my siblings. I also am proud of myself for rising to the occasion and doing my part. I'm glad I have learned so much about cancer and my parents' other health conditions that I might be able to help someone else in the future going through a similar situation. I am also appreciative of my colleagues, who have been understanding and supportive of what I'm going through at home. Sometimes life is dark, but it helps to actively think about the light shining through. And there are several stars in the night sky.

And, one of my biggest positives is that I'm buying my first home. We're trying to get my parents into assisted living because it's high time, which means I can then focus more on my own life. And when they sell the family home, I'll need somewhere to go. And I'm lucky enough that I've been able to save enough over the years to make this move possible. Even with all the stress, I am very, very, VERY excited about the little townhouse I'm about to own.

Seriously. If someone wants to come squee with me about my new home and help me plan/decorate, I would love it. My siblings are so drained that they're really not up for it, and my parents aren't always in their right minds anyway. My colleagues are happy for me, but they are spending time with their own families over winter break. I would love to talk about color scheme and buying used furniture and possible room arrangement and finally, finally, FINALLY making a safe place of my own.

My absolute biggest positive? With my mom away in the hospital so often, Nimbus has discovered that I exist. Even when my mom is home, Nimbus chooses to follow me, to cuddle me, to purr at me. There were a few years there where even though he was officially my cat, it didn't feel like it because he didn't care about me. Now, he does. It's nice that my cat had a change of heart for the better. It's amazing to be cuddled. I need the love.

[theghostus]

Day 95

By now y'all know this is my personal blog. Putting all my feelings and thoughts down.

Still no income. Brightside...I will probably start my new job at a school after Eid. Y'all think, hey, that's good news. Dude, not to my savings account, it ain't. Borrowing money and moving money for the past 5 months. Each month the bills take a HUGE bite into my savings. Not counting the necessities like food and feminine products. So yeah. I'm hella worried. Last December really took a toll on my mental health when the insurance companies asked for their yearly payment. That sucks eggs, man. Oh another thing, my phone has that infamous green line in the middle of my screen. It will cost me a new phone just to get it repaired. Even after repair, it has only a 1-month warranty. FML.

Another thing that weighs heavily on my mind is that bitch of my aunt, aka Dad's sis. She still hasn't sold the Devil's home. I mean, how can she? The damn place it's as old as me (not telling you how old I am; I'm a millennial that's the only clue I'm giving). No one wants to buy that home for the price she's selling, even though it's 'convenient' etc etc. When I released it to her, it was cleaned and manageable (also, it was after GP passed) Her son is now 30; if I recall correctly, he doesn't need babysitting. So it's her and her husband now. I mean she could downsize her 2-storey flat to save cost. Whatever I digress. Without that money from the sale, I can't do my kitchen. I had 2 quotes from 2 different contractors. Each will cost me almost 6k. Including the changing of the toilet doors. sigh.

My mum's condition is stable and no change over the years. With the "occasionally" and 'normal' sounds of her being strangled by an invisible hand. The sounds coming from her I can only describe would be the sounds if I were to strangle someone.

Mdm Sunflower finally got her goal. She and her husband have a daughter. She came home to them on my birthday. Will need to find out if her girl is a Pisces - they are emotional balls of energy which Mr and Mdm Sunflower are not. Her girl has already proven to be the Lil Diva already, haha. Luckily her girl is a Rabbit - they are kind and social creatures. She will make a great mum. That has been her goal since she got married almost 20 years ago. It seems like yesterday we were talking about our goals and what we wanted to achieve in our life.

Le Bf celebrated our 2nd Vday at a proper restaurant. We didn't celebrate my birthday much coz was trying to balance my mum and him. We ate at a hawker centre (it's a Singaporean eating centre) because his workplace is 1.5 hours away from my flat. He was doing sales, so he couldn't really go anywhere. Plus, I sus he just lazy to plan shit. So he just manages with whatever. Also, I was supposed to meet him early, but I went marketing with Mum in the afternoon and took a nap thinking he could only leave later when he didn't tell me that he had someone at the shop with him to cover. sigh. men.

Then I was thinking of surprising him and celebrating his birthday by bringing him to Gardens by the Bay at night to watch the light show since he had never seen it before. First, he didn't this week tell me he took 3 days off and planned to spend his whole 3 days with his mates and for his social work. I got to know this only yesterday. Secondly, he told me, I think a couple of weeks ago, that he's travelling to Bangkok this week, and his flight is tomorrow at 5am and will be returning to SG on the 10th (again I was told this yesterday when he came over). So he will be in Bangkok from 6 to 10 (for duty and play his words not mine), including on his birthday. So I'm a mix of sad and angry at the moment. Sad I couldn't celebrate his birthday again. Angry, he spends his birthday overseas again. the first time, his friend treated him to a seafood dinner in Malaysia. While I thought he was working when he sent his seafood dinner pics to me. I don't blame him for wanting to have fun with his mates, but sometimes I wonder am I the fool trying to create memories? I'm in two minds of just throwing his present in his face and telling him next time I just wish you HPB. I won't be celebrating his birthday anymore anything since he prefers to spend it with his friends overseas.

Am I being brainwashed by socials with picture-perfect relationships? Am I expecting too much?

[everythingsinred]

Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Natsume (pt. 18)

Hiya! I'm posting late, on account of my job. Editing these takes about an hour depending on the post and inserting the images takes a little more, but I didn't have a solid block of time to work on it, so I worked on it in pieces and I only just now finished.

This arc highlights Natsume's powerlessness. He's distancing himself from Mikan to protect her, but by doing this, he leaves her defenseless at times. He wants to be there for her but can't because of the corner he's been pushed into, and in his desperation he turns to anonymity.

Chapter Eighty-One

Hotaru, Natsume, and Ruka are running after them, but are caught by Tsubasa, who asks them what their plan is, exactly. Ruka turns to Natsume, who turns to Hotaru, who pretends she was just practicing her running for the Festival and then the boys started following her for no reason. This comic relief is a badly-needed break from all the bullying and blackmail of the arc so far.

This arc is full of fun comic relief, but the main plot is so depressing and frustrating that sometimes the comic relief is not enough.

In any case, all three of them know that the others are all working to take care of Mikan, even if she doesn't know it. They're all looking out for her in their own ways, even Natsume who seems to have publicly turned against her. At least Hotaru and Ruka can see the truth: he's still quite concerned about it, but he's in something of a bind now.

The next we see of Natsume, he’s walking with Tsubasa, being spied on by both Hotaru and Ruka. It’s here that we discover that Tsubasa has been transferred to the DA class, but is keeping this secret from Mikan. Moreover, he and Natsume are on a mission to locate Yuka, and they’re both aware that Mikan is her daughter. It’s interesting to know just how much information the DA class has on the other students that the other kids have no clue about. Hotaru and Ruka are shocked by this information, but for us as readers, it also demonstrates just how much work Natsume--and Tsubasa--are putting into protecting Mikan.

All this information is stuff they have to consider on their missions. They want to protect Yuka, because she’s Mikan’s mother, but they have no choice but to pursue and chase after her with raids and attacks. On top of that, Tsubasa is keeping his new ability class a secret, and Natsume has to hurt her with this Luna farce. It’s a lot to put on two kids, not that the ESP or Persona have much issue putting pressure on kids.

For Natsume in particular, it was fun while it lasted, being close to Mikan. He had relished and enjoyed it, and now he has to change pace. He’s willing to, because that’s how he can keep her smiling and having fun, even if he’s not on her team and can’t even be in her inner circle anymore. He’s willing to sacrifice anything for her, but we can see that it’s not any fun for him. Mikan is suffering in sadness, yes, but so is Natsume.

The next thing he has to do only makes things worse.

He confronts Mikan about the rumor Luna made up, about Mikan showing her underwear to the Fuukitai to avoid punishment. It’s obviously bogus: Mikan would never even think to do that, let alone actually do it. He knows that too, because Natsume knows her very well. He asks because he has to.

Mikan avoids answering, brushing it off as none of Natsume’s business, because she is also under Luna’s watchful gaze. So they end up having an argument in front of everyone, both not saying what they really mean, and instead doing as Luna commands, to keep everyone safe. Mikan points out that she isn’t his partner--or anything--anymore, so he should mind his business. Natsume then asks if that means his concern is a bother, and she confirms: yes. It’s a big fat pain.

It's heartbreaking and frustrating in equal spades.

It’s almost as if Natsume was testing something. Now he knows that Luna must have threatened Mikan in the storeroom. Something sinister happened there, and now Mikan is different, dishonest, mean. That’s not what she’s actually like, and now he’s concerned. Luna’s shadow is spreading and it’s threatening to encroach on Mikan’s light.

Chapter Eighty-Two

Natsume walks off, having heard all he needs to hear.

Luna is causing mayhem and strife to punish Mikan and Natsume specifically for their misbehavior on New Year’s. She wants Mikan to be isolated from Natsume in particular because he’s her number one protector. If there’s a wedge between them, Mikan is easier to target. After all, Mikan’s purpose at the academy is to lure in Yuka, and the more danger she is in, the more likely Yuka is to try and save her daughter. If Natsume is around, threatening Mikan becomes tricky. He’d never allow anything bad to happen to her, hence his desperation and sacrifice in this arc. In order to fulfill their goals regarding Yuka, they need Natsume out of Mikan’s picture.

Of course, despite Natsume’s secret intel being superior to Ruka or Hotaru’s (and definitely to Mikan’s), he’s still not entirely in the know. Yuka being the main target, for example, is information Natsume is not privy to, and couldn’t even imagine. This is a game Natsume is unaware that he cannot win. If he doesn’t distance himself from Mikan, she’ll be threatened, but if he does, she’ll be threatened. In reality, there's no way he can win this round.

Chapter Eighty-Three

Anyway, the Sports Fest doesn’t slow down for the kids’ drama. The athletic meets have begun, and now there is a relay race.

Ruka and Natsume are on different teams for the relay, and this has inspired Ruka to beat his best friend, so he can be number one in Mikan’s eyes for once.

I will talk way more about the “love triangle” aspect of NatsuMikan and the question of choice, autonomy, and agency in Mikan’s essay, because when it comes to Natsume's side of things, he's very much resigned to losing every romantic game, every relay race, every competition. It's no contest. He's not competing. He's withdrawn from the race, now more than ever. He will not participate. He is destined to lose, after all, so why even bother?

And so Ruka wins the actual relay, and Natsume watches as everyone has fun without him, something that he’s been accustomed to before. It hurts more now, undoubtedly, because for a time, he was actually a part of the group. Knowing what it feels like to fit in and have fun with everyone makes it even worse when it’s gone again. He used to separate himself from the rest and suffer all on his own, but now he’s returned to that state.

He hasn’t quite let go, either. His effort and commitment to the Sports Fest, despite all the drama with Mikan and Luna, demonstrate just how much he actually wants to participate. It’s not about having his friends around him. He actually likes being able to have fun, and be allowed to take part in an event with everyone else, even if he isn’t technically by his friends’ sides.

His bad feelings are only exacerbated by Luna, who shows up to taunt him. He shouldn’t worry about Mikan and Ruka, because they’ll be torn apart eventually. Whatever happiness they find right now is temporary. It won’t last, and Luna will make sure of it.

But Natsume loves both Mikan and Ruka, and that does not reassure him at all. He’s selfless, would rather they be together anyway. In a perfect world, maybe she could pick him, and it makes him sad that the world isn’t perfect and he can’t have what he wants, but he’s always at peace with losing. So he’s not at all comforted by the idea that the happiness his loved ones have found will dissipate in no time.

Chapter Eighty-Four

Luna then giggles, because whether or not Ruka and Mikan’s being split apart will result in Natsume’s happiness is another question entirely. She wants to rub it in that even if Ruka is out of the picture, he can never be with Mikan. Joke’s on her though, because Natsume has already come to terms with this the moment he fell in love with Mikan. He hasn’t been humoring ideas of love confessions and weddings and living happily ever after. It’s outside the realm of possibility, because his circumstances do not allow him much happiness at all.

The future seems bleaker than ever, and knowing that Ruka and Mikan are being kept under watch by the school, Natsume keeps an eye on them too. He’s feeling sad and heart-broken too, of course. He’s not perfect. He can’t erase feelings of jealousy or the ache of unrequited love just because he feels it’s his duty to make peace with them. It hurts, but he’ll carry through. That’s what he’s always done.

But people are gossiping about his presence, putting his position in jeopardy. Luna can’t know he’s still hanging around Mikan, even if Mikan herself is clueless to this. Before he can be discovered, he steals someone’s mask, the mask of a boy named Kusami whose hairstyle looks an awful lot like Natsume’s.

If only he could be allowed to just steal people's identities and not have to face any consequences for it. Alas.

Unfortunately for Natsume, the Borrowing Race is about to begin, and Kusami was arranged to be a participant. He put the mask on to avoid responsibility for his spying, but it’s bit him in the butt now.

Kusami benefits from this, indirectly, since kids who call him moron get the cold shoulder from Natsume, who doesn’t have the same easy-going personality.

It seems nobody actually wants to participate in the Borrowing Race. It’s very personal and vulnerable: you have to borrow a person or item you’d least want to borrow, as dictated on a small piece of paper assigned to you. It’s then judged by some mind-reading alices to test the validity of the borrowed items. The concept of the race functions around embarrassing and humiliating people, so naturally nobody would want to participate.

Natsume has gotten himself into trouble here. He can’t even make a run for it, though he really wants to, because for some reason people are hell-bent on Kusami competing. He’s in the second round, and starts running as he--or Kusami--is supposed to. He gets his paper and although we don’t see what’s written on it quite yet, we can see a focus on Mikan in one of the panels, so we can tell his first thought is to borrow her.

To confess anonymously in front of the whole school or to not confess anonymously in front of the whole school--that is the question.

And then in a few pages, emboldened by the mask he’s wearing, Natsume runs toward Mikan and grabs her wrist. He’s decided he will borrow her, because maybe she’ll never find out his true identity, and he can be selfish just this once. This could be his only chance ever to be honest about how he feels. He's had to lie and hide it for so long that it makes sense he'd take the first opportunity available to go for it. This is quite possibly the most selfish thing he’s done. If he gets caught, he’ll be entirely exposed.

Unlike Ruka, Natsume can't really win this race. He won't be number one in Mikan's eyes, ever. He can't ever tell her it's all for her. The very best he can do is compete with a mask on. Ruka can try his hardest and impress Mikan and Natsume feels he never will. It's not much of a competition when one person cannot and will not compete.

He runs, despite her confusion and obliviousness, or perhaps because of it.

And just as the fireworks displaying his prompt start going off in the sky, he lets her go and walks away resolutely. There. He’s participated.

“The person you love.”

Mikan is chasing after Natsume, but he can’t be caught. Being caught would ruin everything, and would make his selfish act even more selfish. He shoves the mask back into Kusami’s face, and takes off.

You'd think he'd be a bit happier to have finally confessed his feelings but he just looks miserable.

Natsume has been very selfish now. He didn’t have to grab Mikan. He could’ve borrowed anybody and lost. Does it matter if he wins? He’s not Kusami. He could’ve just gotten the race over with and run away, but instead he played along, because he wanted to confess. He’s never been so honest in his life. He wants her to know he loves her, even if she doesn’t know who “he” is. And if he gets caught, then Mikan will know for a fact that Natsume Hyuuga loves her, and everything he’s done so far--hyping up Ruka, distancing himself, being cruel to protect her, allowing Luna to cling to him--will have been for nothing. She’ll know it was all a ruse, and then she’ll be open to all sorts of dangers. But he risks it, because he just can’t hide it anymore. He always has to hide, always has to pretend, always has to sacrifice his own feelings for the sake of others. This time, he’ll say exactly what he means, made all the more easier by the fact that there’s a mask on his face.

He’s done something like this before, particularly when he kissed Mikan on Christmas.

And the Christmas kiss is nothing compared to this: an actual love confession. The kiss was just that, and he had plenty of excuses for why he’d kiss her. It wasn’t because he loved her, no way! It was because she kept saying the other one didn’t count. Or maybe he just wanted to know what it felt like. That’s all. The excuses were just another mask to hide behind.

What excuse could he possibly give for a love confession that a panel of mind-reading judges corroborated? If he’s caught, she will know.

All his tiny instances of selfishness are smaller examples of the same idea: he lets himself be affectionate for once. He can say he prefers her with her hair down, or hug her during the SA class labyrinth, or cuddle with her when he’s having a nightmare, just this one time, and then he’ll give up for good. She won’t notice. It won’t have an effect. It won’t have consequences. He’ll give up for good after; he’ll just do this one selfish thing and then never again. But he can’t give it up, and eventually Christmas happens. He kisses her, unloading so much affection into one action, as if he’s trying to just get it over with. He’ll just get all his love out with one kiss and then he’ll be okay to watch her fall in love with anybody else but him.

But he can’t. He can’t stop doing these little selfish things. He can’t suffocate his love and leave it to die, hidden and smothered like a skeleton in a closet. Despite his every attempt to kill it, to hide it, to pretend like it’s not important, it has only grown stronger. He loves her more and more everyday, and the more he loves her, the harder it is to pretend like he doesn’t care if he never gets what he wants.

He wants to be with her. He wants to kiss her and protect her openly. He wants to sit next to her in class and smile with her. He wants to spend time with her and be on her team for school events. He wants to hold her hand and tell her he loves her.

He doesn’t want to give it all up and wreck his own chances.

The longer he’s loved Mikan, the harder it’s been to be selfless like this. The yearning has only gotten stronger, and now it takes all his power to be cruel to her. What used to come naturally, like being cold and distant and insulting her, has become difficult. What comes naturally to him now is to confess his love or hold her hand or be around her.

Despite the fact that Natsume was the only person who seems to have borrowed the correct person for the race, the White team still loses, on account of him not actually being Kusami.

At the end of the chapter, he sits alone, brooding in a tree.

He hasn’t been caught, so his actions have no consequences for now. He can sit there and mourn what could have been. He can’t be with Mikan, let alone confess his feelings. This was just an excuse to live out a fantasy. He wants to be loud about his feelings, not muffle them. But this is Natsume we’re talking about. He never gets what he wants. And in his opinion, he shouldn’t because Ruka deserves a happy ending way more. And Mikan would never love him back anyway. Ruka would be better for her.

This is just another instance of Natsume promising himself that he’ll do one more selfish thing before he gives up forever. But we know he’s bad at keeping his word, and this is no exception.

Chapter Eighty-Five

Before Mikan can confront Natsume about the borrowing race, Luna steps in, covering for him, claiming she was watching with him from the bleachers during the race. She clings to his arm and drags him off, spurring even more rumors that he and Luna are an item.

She's so violent with him for really no reason.

He tells her to get off, but she reminds him that she’s just done him a favor (though it’s really just a favor to herself). She grabs his hand and holds it tight, and again people get the wrong idea. It’s interesting how such physically painful things come across as romantic to the people around them, who think that Luna is simply holding his hand. Natsume’s persistent look of misery and apathy doesn’t deter people at all from rumors that he’s dating her. After all, Luna is clinging to him with a smile on her face and he’s not doing anything to peel her off, so it must mean they have feelings for each other. Natsume has been so good at hiding his feelings, that nobody--not even the girl he really loves--knows what it looks like when he’s loving and affectionate to somebody. They think he's into Luna, and can't see that what he really needs is help.

Chapter Eighty-Six

Luna has just arranged a terrifying fall for Mikan, knowing she’d use her alice as a knee-jerk reaction to save herself, thus causing others to think she did it for the attention. Mikan could’ve been seriously injured, or worse, and is definitely in trouble now, so Natsume is furious.

He confronts Luna, and the only thing stopping him from hurting her is that he could put Mikan in even more danger by doing so. But Luna is remorseless, giggling that she had no choice but to threaten Mikan. After all, she’s just doing what the principal said they’d do. Mikan should have been put in Persona’s custody in the DA class immediately following the Hana Hime party incident, but Natsume’s sacrifices have allowed her to skate by. Luna is there to observe and punish what she perceives as bad behavior, and anything less than abject misery from Mikan is bad behavior to her.

She warns Natsume: if he really wants to protect Mikan, then he’ll make sure she’s hated. That way, she won’t be in danger.

Powerlessness.

Natsume can’t go around confessing his love to her with a mask on anymore. He needs to sacrifice their relationship entirely in order to keep her safe. And so he does.

He’s sitting on a bench, surrounded by his classmates. Permy is adamantly defending Mikan. These rumors that Mikan fell on purpose for the attention are obviously stemming from Luna, who has the whole class wrapped around her finger. She turns to Natsume, looking for back-up, but Natsume has been told clearly what to do in order to really protect Mikan, and it has nothing to do with standing up for her against these rumors.

Instead, he says that it’s best not to be involved with Mikan anymore. He doesn’t want to see her or hear about her anymore, and he doesn’t want to associate with anyone who associates with her. He tries to give off the impression that he hates her, that he’s disgusted by her.

Then he sees that she’s been there all along, listening.

This is almost like the scene where he tells her he hates everything about her. He’s doing the hard thing to protect her. He’s lying, willing to hurt her, willing to be the villain, if it means she’s in the light and out of the dark.

But this is different.

Mikan could take it before. She yelled back that she hated him too, just as much, and even though that was a lie, it was still something she was able to say. She could argue and fight. This time she crumbles and runs away.

And he’s different too. Before, he could walk away, resolute and determined. Knowing that she’ll be better off this way was enough for him. He didn’t even look back. This time, he can’t leave things like that.

After all, last time was easier. He didn’t think she actually liked him back then. It would really only hurt him. He knows better now. Mikan cares about him, and it doesn’t matter what shape that care takes. It only matters that hearing Natsume call her worthless brings her to tears now, and that’s enough for him to feel way more conflicted.

This time, he apologizes.

He doesn't say he's sorry, but he's saying he's sorry.

He finds Kusami, steals his mask once again, never saying one word to a kid who has been generously keeping his secret for him. He runs after Mikan, and when he finally catches up to her, he hugs her.

Wearing the mask while hugging her is like wearing a raincoat in a hurricane. It won’t change anything or protect him at all. In fact, all he’s doing is giving her confirmation that it’s him, but he doesn’t care.

He doesn’t want her to think he hates her. He can’t stand it anymore. He’s sorry and he didn’t mean it.

He hugs her and this is different from his selfish hugs during the RPG or when he was having a nightmare. Those were little stolen moments for him to remember. He could take them from Mikan and cherish them as precious memories, even if she never thought of them again. This one is different. This one is for her, to comfort her, to apologize.

It’s all the things he can’t say. I didn’t mean it. Sorry. I have to do this. I really do care about you, I promise. It’s not real. Luna’s making me do this.

But before she can turn around to look at him, he leaves again.

He knows, because of Luna’s warning, that Mikan’s life will only get harder. He wants to help her, but by helping her, he’s placing himself further from her, making it harder for him to protect her in the future. If he’s distant from her to keep Luna at bay, then he’s not around to protect her from Luna in the storeroom, or during the cheerleading competition.

It’s what one might call a Catch-22. No matter what he chooses, he loses. And the worst part is that so does Mikan.

Conclusion

Natsume isn't an active participant in the last few chapters of this arc, so this is how I'll wrap the meta here. In the next arc there will be much to say about him. The Sports Fest went deep into Natsume's love for Mikan. It's not surprising that his love inspires selflessness. Natsume will always put others in front of himself and the more he loves someone, the more fervent he is about self-sacrifice. The truly beautiful thing about Natsume's love for Mikan is that it inspires selfishness too. And I never mean selfish as bad when I'm talking about Natsume. His love for Mikan is special in that it makes him want things for himself too.

I'm having doubts about being able to post tomorrow, so I apologize for only two posts this week. Expect normal posting next week at the very least! This essay is probably more than halfway through already, though I can't say for sure how much is left. Where I am now in terms of essay-writing is already deep in the Time-Travel Arc and as a result there's entire chapters I've skipped. Like. Seven in a row at times. Yikes. So basically we're pretty far in!

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[lexsssu]

Shall We Date: Worship Me AU - Uriel (Avatar of Chastity)

What if the MC gets transported to the Celestial Realm instead? What if the angels were the love interests?

GENERAL HCs

Uriel — “The Flame of God/God is my Light”

Has a penchant for perfection

Give him a task and you bet your ass he’ll come back finished with results so phenomenal you’re sure that if you did it, there’s no way it would turn out this great

Reserved, but not exactly anti-social

It’s not that he doesn’t want to talk about himself whenever people ask about him, but it’s just that he thinks there are a million other things that are worth more to converse about than his exploits or the things he enjoyed

Chastity doesn’t just mean staying pure by abstaining from sexual relations and the lack of temptations one experiences, but being placed in the face of temptation and yet staying true to one’s morals. This is why Uriel doesn’t condemn anyone who decides to engage in such acts, whether within the sanctity of marriage or not, whether it is done because all parties hold sincere feelings for one another or not.

Gone is the ancient time and the rules that once applied then cannot be the same for current times. This is why Uriel has made it his mission to continuously study about humans, to stay up to date with the way they thought and felt so as he can better serve as a guiding beacon to them

When he’s not busy with his regular duties, you would normally find Uriel at the Celestial realm’s library with stacks of reference books on his table. Time is nothing to them, which is why for him it felt as if humans changed too quickly in so little time

An ideology that may have taken decades or centuries to form is but a blink of an eye to them which is why Mr. Perfectionist can’t help but immediately want to be informed in the hopes that it will help him improve himself

If he doesn’t keep adding and updating to his knowledge then how can he even hope to be one of the guiding virtues of humanity with outdated ideals?

Ideals can and will change over time, but his morals are the one thing that Uriel will never change.

His mind and body may be corrupted over time, because eternity is such a long time indeed, but the morals that made him who he is, what HE is will always stay the same

Tbh you can’t tempt this guy with anything

If you do manage to “tempt” him, know that you didn’t actually succeed but he just liked/pitied you enough to go with whatever fuckery you wanted him to commit

That's why he normally agrees with whatever bullshit his twin brother, Gabriel, tries to wrangle him into

Uriel ain't doing it because Gabriel tempted him, but because he loved his twin so much that he's willing to indulge him whenever he wanted to fuck shit up

Gabriel is the one who starts messes and Uriel is the one who just lets him be, because he's a supportive big brother

...Much to most of the other virtues' ever increasing stress

Is an advocate of "actions speak louder than words"

He's a serial head-patter

Will boop your nose when he notices you're a bit too lost in your thoughts

Azrael is normally the victim of his headpats and nose-boops

Since he makes it his job to know all that IS known, he finds some modicum of interest in that of the UNknown

Things like extraterrestrial beings for example. Basically, anything that didn't belong to any of the 3 worlds was within his scope of interest

If you check his YouTube history you'll see it's filled with UFO sightings, conspiracy theories, UMAs, etc.

Probably joined that raid in Area 51 while undercover—

Asks Gabriel to bring him souvenirs and pictures whenever his job takes him to a location near hotspots for UMAs, UFOs, and other strange otherworldly phenomena

Reminds Azrael every now and then to inform him if he ever ferries a soul that had come across any UMA and ask them about their encounter

As the virtue of chastity, it's up to him to teach the little cherubims about the birds and the bees as part of their training to become full-fledged angels

More often than not, his terminology and clinical way of explaining has traumatized most of the little ones…

...much to Raphael's increasing stress

"And then the man will place his pe*** inside the woman's va**** where he would start thrusting continu—"

What's worse is that he even has diagrams for it

So many little cherubims lost their innocence to Uriel-sensei…

He doesn't purposely try to annoy Raphael unlike Gabriel, it's just that his actions and way of going about things aren't the way most people would fo it and what's worse is that he unintentionally traumatizes people

And it's usually up to Raphael to do damage control on all the virtues' behalf

Raphael almost killed him that day he had to give that talk to Luke and his batch

"...What's wrong about telling them what happens between a man and a woman? It's biology and something that's done frequently by humans"

He doesn't see the point of beating around the bush when their purpose was to teach the new recruits about humanity and everything about them, including how they reproduce

Favorite food is pancakes…

...because they look like flying saucers

Uriel enjoys stargazing at night, not just to look at the heavenly bodies but to spot any UFOs if he's lucky enough

He isn't particularly bad at cooking, but he's not great either

Pancakes are what he's most confident in cooking and he makes the best darn ones in all of the celestial realm

If he's the only one left at home and you're sick, don't expect chicken soup and be ready instead for a stack of warm and fluffy pancakes topped with some butter and generous helping of syrup, whipped cream, berries, and etc.

When the day finally comes that he falls in love with someone...the 3 worlds will know true fear—

But legit though, all those millennia of being a single pringle and practicing so much restraint flies out the window when this man finds himself utterly and deeply in love with you

JP VA: Daisuke Ono

ENG VA: Matthew Mercer

ROMANTIC HCs

He's read so much about the different forms of love and has felt them all except for romantic love so he's a bit rattled at first

Probably coops himself up in his room for a day or two to get his bearings

When he does finally step foot out of his room, there isn't any obvious changes at first but you can't help but feel that there's something different about Uriel

Uriel is now a man on a mission

As perfectly as he executed his tasks for millennia, as fierce as he wielded his flaming sword during the Great War against the rebels, and as ruthless as he was when he faced the truly wicked…

…Uriel will have you

Of course, regardless of how much he wanted you to become his that didn't mean he suddenly turned into some sort of barbaric brute that kidnapped women for sport

He will study you so thoroughly that at times it almost feels like he knows you more than you know yourself

The little mannerisms you make during your everyday life that escape your notice? It's a given that Uriel has seen and already safely filed them away in his mind for future reference

"...She likes pointing with her lips?...Cute…" What he wouldn't give to catch you doing that while he was with you so he could partake of your lips as well—

Once he’s interested in you, only God knows at this point what has to be done for him to even lose a small bit of it

You have essentially become a key figure in Uriel’s world

Uriel always has you at the back of his mind to the point that it could even be called obsessive

However, he’s still the virtue of chastity so you don’t have to worry about him ever forcing himself upon you or anything of that sort

He’s super clingy and sorta weird, but he loves you and the last thing he wanted is for you to become sad because of him or anything else

Though he honestly can’t deny that seeing the myriad of expressions on your face, from happiness to sadness, to surprise, excitement, anger, and etc. was one of his favorite hobbies ever since falling for you

Despite his earnest wish to make you his, Uriel surprisingly takes a long time to even confess

He’s a perfectionist so it’s a given that he’ll take everything into account, including how he’ll make you fall for him first before he even thinks about confessing

Bothers Raphael for some “research material” on how to woo you a.k.a. borrow some romance manga despite Raph’s initial protests

For the sake of his own sanity, Raph begrudgingly lends Uri his stash of romance manga

It’s both hilarious and somewhat disturbing to see how taken he is with something other than work and UMAs

Amused: Michael, Cainabel, Gabriel, Simeon

Scared/Disturbed: Raphael, Luke

Neutral/Confused: Seraphiel, Azrael

Secretly plays the alto saxophone, but doesn’t deem his skill worthy enough for you to hear so he practices when he’s absolutely sure that no one is there to hear him when his skills aren’t yet up to his standards

Lowkey jealous when you hangout with the demon brothers and tries to find ways to distract you from hanging out with them

“ I seem to have seen a creature most extraordinary earlier. I believe it was one of the UMAs detailed in the tome for mysterious dwellers of the nether. Mayhaps you’d like to accompany me on a hunt? ”

His face is as straight-laced as it always is, but if you knew him long enough and looked closer, you’d notice that his ears seemed to have the slightest twinge of redness to them.

Honestly speaking, he tries to be a smooth and cool boi when it comes to you, but this dork seems to lose all his tact when faced with the radiance of your eyes and the intensity of your smile

With how long it takes him to make everything perfect before he woo’s you, time and space itself will cease to exist before he finally deems himself ready

So you have to do the wooing yourself and show him that you love all of him, imperfections and quirkiness included

[master-sass-blast]

Henlo, it's me, your local trash monster here to say I love Hannah and I can't wait to hear more about her?? That being said, GIMME ALL THE SAD GOODS ABOUT HER. But also add in something happy about her in the end! ( ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ ((Also sending hugs! I know things have been stressful the last few days so just know I'm rooting for you !!))

Holy fuck I think this is the first time someone’s ever told me to cut loose and just SAY ALL THE THINGS AND I’M SO EXCITED!!!! :D

(Answers under the cut because I just went with the entire list. I have no self control.

And thank you for the hugs and encouragement!)

1. What is one word to shut them up: Okay, for some context, Hannah is a lawyer. She has a thick skin (unlike me, heyoooo). It takes a lot to shut her up; she’s an HBIC and she owns it.

But if someone starts talking about her scars (she’s struggled/struggles with self-harm), she shuts down. It’s a part of her she’s still self-conscious about, and if someone mentions it she’ll literally stop mid-sentence and mentally exit the conversation.

2. What is the thing they feel the most guilty about: Again, she’s got a pretty thick skin, so she doesn’t hold onto too much. Life happens, you make mistakes, and it’s better to learn from them rather than beat yourself over the head for something you can’t change anyway.

If there’s something she’s going to feel guilty about, though, it’s fights or incidents she’s had with family members/close friends where she’s hurt them with something she’s said or done. She holds herself in high accountability to ensure that she doesn’t step all over people, and when she does she fails not only them but her expectations for herself, so yeah. Guilt.

3. What is the worst pain they’ve ever experienced: Physical pain? Probably different injuries from her career in martial arts. She’s a tough cookie, but some of that stuff just hurts.

Emotional pain? Anytime she fails her expectations for herself. She has very high standards for herself, and when she can’t reach them she becomes very depressed (more so than usual).

4. Describe their worst nightmare: Actual dream? Anything where she’s drowning or running out of air. She almost drowned a couple times as a child/preteen, and the trauma still emerges in her adult life from time to time.

Real life “this is a nightmare” scenario? Any point where her depression gets so bad that she stops being functional. Things just start piling up and get overwhelming very quickly.

5. List 3 fears; one “surface level” fear, one “repressed” fear, and one “deep dark” fear: 1.) Drowning, which runs pretty deep but it’s an obvious one that she’s done a lot of therapy work for, and she doesn’t mind talking about it with other people. 2.) Wasps. She accidentally got locked into a shed with an active wasp nest in it as a child. She made it out alright, but the sheer terror of the situation made her repress the memory. She’s heard the story from friends and family, and “gets” why she’s scared of the fuckers, but can’t actually recall the incident itself. 3.) The dark. A side effect of depression is paranoia, and when she’s alone, in the dark, she can’t shake the feeling that there’s some sort of creature watching/following her. When her depression gets really bad, she has to sleep with a light on to keep from flipping out.

6. What is something that never fails to make them feel sick: She’s not naturally squeamish, but the sounds of belching (ala college frat boys, y’all know what I mean) make her stomach churn.

7. What feature (physical or otherwise) do they hate most about themselves: Her scars. She’s very ashamed of them, and goes out of her way to wear long sleeved shirts so she can hide them.

8. Do they have anything that triggers them: Feeling like she’s failed her own expectations/expectations others have of her, accidentally inhaling water, the ‘buzzing’ sound bees/wasps make.

9. What is their greatest physical weakness: Her height. She might be a kickass lawyer and an even kick-assier martial artist, but she barely clears five feet.

10. What is their greatest mental weakness: Her struggles with self-hatred. She’s her own worst enemy a lot of the time.

11. Do they have any vices: Not really. Not as far as serious vices go. She’s pretty grounded.

12. Have they ever done something illegal? What was it: Nope. She knew she wanted to be a lawyer from day one and made sure her record was spotless.

13. Which of the 7 Deadly Sins best describes them: Pride? I think that one comes closest? Again, since she really doesn’t have a vice or a thorn in her side, it’s hard to pick something for her.

I think Pride comes closest because she spirals when she fails to live up to her own expectations, which I think often comes with a bit of ego (at least in my experience with that sort of thing). She’s also got a lot to be proud of (lawyer, martial artist, financially independent), but she’s not a walking ego either?

Idk. This is a weird question, lol.

14. Are they prone to outbursts (of violence, extreme emotion… exc… ): Not really. Don’t get me wrong, she can get there, but it takes a lot. She’s very collected (and usually swings the opposite way; she’s more likely to cold shoulder you if she’s mad).

She does threaten to shove her Prada stiletto sideways up Hank Pym’s ass, though. So there’s that.

15. Who do they hate the most: Guys who use her height against her by cornering her into spots while they try to ask her out/talk to her about something. It’s the fastest way to wind up on her shit list.

16. Is there anyone who makes them feel inferior: Herself. She’s her own worst enemy.

17. What sound always gives them a headache: Her coworker Tracey’s text/notification sound. Which is always going off because Tracey’s always talking to someone.

18. Is there a certain flavor that disgusts them: Not really. She’s half Japanese, half ethnic Jew, and a practicing Jew to boot, so she grew up on a pretty broad flavor palette.

She’s tried a bacon cheeseburger once on a dare, though, and she hated it.

19. Do they consider themselves ugly: Not really (outside of her scars). She’s pretty confident in her appearance.

20. Do they consider themselves unloveable: Again, not really. She’s spent a lot of time in therapy, which helps, but she’s always had her feet pretty well on the ground.

21. What is something that causes them great anxiety: The prospect of losing. She’s very competitive.

22. Do they have any mental illnesses: Depression.

23. Have they ever been assaulted/abused/raped: She’s run into the usual guys that like to try and use her size against her, but they usually wind up worse for wear than she does.

24. Do they fear the possibility of being assaulted/abused/raped: Yes. She’s five feet tall and doesn’t clear 110 lbs. She’s very aware that she’s got “TARGET” written across her back.

25. Have they ever been betrayed by someone they thought they could trust: Fortunately, no. Most of her close relationships come from communities she knows well (school, work, the temple she attends in LA), so she hasn’t had to deal with too much betrayal.

26. Have they ever been seriously injured: Yes. Even outside of her struggles with self-harm, she’s a martial artist. She’s broken a few bones over the years from that.

27. How many times have they been in the hospital: Five. Three for some pretty drastic self harm incidents, and two from sparring injuries.

28. Is there a certain type of person that disgusts them: Obviously, she has frustrations with asshole guys, racists/anti-Semites, but she cannot stand people who work in organizations that prey on the disenfranchised (ala military recruiters going to schools in impoverished areas to fill their quota because they know how to trick the kids into trying out and all that). It gets her blood boiling fast.

29. Does what they cannot see scare them: Yes. Again, this shows perfectly with her fear of the dark.

30. Have they ever been bullied: Yupp. For her heritage, her beliefs, her mental health struggles, her size... High school sucks.

31. Do they have self-confidence or self-image issues: Yes and no. Again, she’s pretty confident about most things in life, but she does have certain weak points (her scars, living up to her own expectations, her height).

32. Do they have a bad relationship with their parents: Actually, no! She has a good relationship with both her parents and her extended family!

33. Have they ever been in a relationship that didn’t work out so well: Not in the drastic sense of things. She’s been through a few break ups, sure, but nothing that was abusive or crazy.

34. Have they ever self harmed: Yes. It’s something she still struggles with as an adult.

35. If they could change one thing about themselves, what would it be: Her scars. She’d make them disappear.

36. Are they in control of their emotions, or are their emotions in control of them: She’s pretty well in control of her emotions.

37. Have they ever had their freedom taken away: Not really, no.

38. Have they ever been imprisoned: Nope.

39. Have they ever been accused of something they didn’t do: Not in any serious sense. Her reputation for toeing the line was too well known for her to be accused of something she didn’t do.

40. Do they often blame themselves for other people’s problems: She did as a teenager, but dutiful therapy and self-care has helped her outgrow that habit.

41. Do they get sick often: Nope! She’s pretty healthy.

42. Are they comfortable with where they are in life: She’s content, but not complacent.

43. Do they wish that they could change their pasts: Yes. Again, she doesn’t like her history with self-harm. If she could erase that, she would.

44. What’s one thing they wish they could do more often, but can’t: Travel. Her job’s pretty demanding as far as hours go.

45. What is the emotion they most commonly experience: Melancholy. No matter what she’s doing, it’s sort of always hanging around her, like a tiny cloud.

46. Have they ever contemplated suicide: Yes. Unfortunately, it’s a side effect of the depression.

47. Have they ever gone so far as to attempt suicide: A couple of times, when she was teenager.

48. Is there anyone that they would willingly kill: Outside of self-defense/the defense of others? No.

49. If [name] was put into ______ situation, they’d rather die than live to see it through: Being forced to reject her identities as a Jew/person of Japanese heritage. Her families have made it through so much (internment camps, persecution, the Holocaust), and she’d rather die than erase her own identity.

50. Create your own: Alright, I’m gonna put the happy one here so we end on a high note!

She’s a firm believer in the need for “mah” (the Japanese word for “emptiness), or a moment to pause and do nothing. It’s easy to see that reflected in how she practices meditation, follows Shabbat, or takes time each day to simply be.

However, she also believes that the principle of “mah” is what makes her and Luis work so well as a couple. She is the silence to his constant chatter and helps him keep his feet on the ground. Likewise, he keeps her from living inside her head and helps her connect to the world.

They’re just such opposites attract. Ugh, I love them so much!

[letitrainathousandflames-archive]

Hello! I just read your post and I'm so sorry! I can't think of anything for you to draw, but do you mind maybe writing me a minific like the star wars ones you've been making? I just donated some cash for your ko-fi account (sorry for not being able to donate more than that! ;-;) and I wanted you to write me something with "that’s it, that’s it. get it all out. shh" and Codex? Thank you, and I hope everything gets better soon!

(Hey there! Thank you! I haven’t even thought of comissioning fanfics, but I’m glad you did! :D I hope you like it, I made this with all my heart despite being new to the ship. More after the cut.)

When they came back to Coruscantfrom Umbara, both Rex’s and Cody’s men were much quieter than usual. It had hitthem hard, the whole deal. Being betrayed by their general, by a jedi, and bytheir own obedience to the hierarchy. None of them was to blame, that was whatRex would think most of the time, but at the same time, they were all to blame,and that particular thought would hit him late at night while he struggled toclose his eyes and go to sleep.

Cody didn’t seem to be muchaffected. He kept doing his job, taking care of his duties and answering togeneral Kenobi’s calls to new missions. Thisis how it was, Rex had thought, therewas no time to sit and wallow in guilt. There was a job to be done, a war to bewon, orders to follow. Move on, you kriffing sod, even Fives seems to be backto his old self. It was a lie and he knew it, but it had to be enough.

One particular night, Rex woke up tothe sound of low voices whispering in the dorms. He was about to groan anannoyed “shuddup”, for this had been one of his few successful attempts atsleeping when he recognized Jesse’s voice.

“C’mon, Kix, snap out of it.”

Then he heard Kix’s out-of-breathmurmuring in the pitch-black room.

“All that blood… Was like I was backthere again… Trying to fix what was left of him… Trying to stop the bleeding…”

“C’mon, man, it was a nightmare… Goback to sleep, you’ll wake up the captain.”

Rex got up silently, climbing down his top bunkbed. As he got his feet on the ground, he heard Five’s voice in the dark, fromthe lower bed.

“Don’t go too hard on Kix, sir. I’m sure he didn’t mean to wake you up.”

Rex frowned. So Fives wasn’tsleeping either.

“I won’t. Just need some fresh air.Go to sleep, soldier, we have assignments in the early morning.”

“Yessir.”, Fives had answered in atired voice, and only he could make the phrase sound like a fuck off so effortlessly.

Rex waked softly between the bunkbeds, listening to the sounds he knew so well and noticing the absence of somehe knew he’d never hear again. Hardcase’s snoring was amiss, as well as Dogma’ssoft sleep-talking. Rex had had a request placed for Dogma’s release fromCoruscant’s custody, and general Skywalker’s personal friend, senator Amidalahad promised to aid in his trial. Despite the whole thing looking like treason,Dogma had killed an enemy, not a jedi general. That… that sleemo, Krell, he wasa separatist or a Sith, or whatever the kriff the Jedi would address theirdark counterparts. Dogma merely had the guts to do what Rex couldn’t, and Rex was proud of him in the same measure that he was ashamed of himself.

By the time Rex snapped out of hisconjectures, he noticed that his legs had carried him to the 212th quarters, more precisely totheir break room, where he’d occasionally meet up with Cody and even Bly – theyall agreed that the only decent coffee in the whole Coruscant base was the212th, and Bly himself suspected that maybe general Kenobi was the one behind the mysterious brew. Apparently, the jedi were fond of brewing hot drinks and had the whole patienceit demanded. General Skywalker had made coffee for Rex once. Only once. Tookhim a month to get the taste off his mouth, so strong it was. Hardcase was almost vibrating in the same spot after he drank the thing.

The break room is as it should beat… Rex checks his wrist screen. Kriff, almost three in the morning. No wonderall the lights are out, except… he squinted at the pale blue light coming fromthe corner table, which source was a holo-vid being watched by a clone dressedin the plain black undergarments they would wear under their armors, the sameones Rex was wearing. He recognized his scar.

“Cody?”

Cody clamped his hand over theholo-projector on the table, muffling the voice that came out of it and clearing his throat.

“Rex?”

Rex flicked just one of the lightswitches, enough to turn only two light panels and bathe Cody in the softyellow light. He walked inside.

“Still up?”

Cody still had his hand on the tableblocking the holo-projector.

“Yeah. Looks like you are too.”

“Yeah.” Rex nodded at theholo-projector “Late night assignment?”

Cody looked at his own hand beforepressing it against the object, turning it off.

“Something like that.” he pulled hishand away and looked at the thing as if it was a bomb about to go off “And whatbrings you to the 212th building? Did general Skywalker brew your coffeeagain?”

Rex let a soft laugh out of hisnose.

“I wish bad coffee was the thing keeping me up.”

Cody nodded grimly.

“Me too.”

Rex walked to Cody, sitting besidehim instead of in front of him across the table. Sometimes you just don’t wantanybody looking at your face while you were wrestling your demons, but having awarm shoulder against your own could help. Rex could do that. Sometimes he feltlike he could do anything for Cody, and that very thought scared the kriff outof him most of the time.

Cody, however supported his elbowson the table and cradled his head in his hands, letting out a sigh. Rex kepthis eyes straight ahead in order to allow him some space and not make thingsawkward.

“You okay, Cody?”

“Fine.” Cody groaned “Perfect. Justkriffin’ peachy.”

Rex didn’t say anything. They allshared the same snarky sarcasm, some of them more then others. Kamino knows howmuch Dogma likes his witty remarks. Sometimes Rex thinks about how it would probably be better for them ifthey had someone to talk to. The senators had their advisors, the jedi hadtheir masters, their council. But the clones had no one to talk to. No one toask for advice or guidance in dark times like this one. They had to get up andmake it on their own. Everyone wanted advice from commanders like Cody, Bly,Fox, Wolffe or even Rex himself, and they were happy to provide guidance totheir men, from the highest ARCs to the lowest shinies. But nobody would giveadvice to Rex and the others. They were expected to just know everything. Rexglanced at Cody without turning his head to him. Well, maybe if they could helpone another…

“What happened? Can I help?”

“No.” Cody answered sharply

“Maybe General Kenobi could…”

“There’s nothing the general can doabout this.”

“Well, there must be something…”

“Will you shut the hell up already?”

Cody had lifted his face up again,closing his hands in fists. Rex try to act unimpressed, despite his knowledgeof how difficult it was to get on Cody’s bad side, so his short temper at thismoment was odd at best. He lowered his voice.

“Look, I know you must be feelingbad over what happened in Umbara.”

Cody slammed his fists on the table,not too hard to give out anger, but a calculated nuisance.

“I told you I’m okay.”

“As okay as I am.” Rex replied,finally turning to face him “Talk to me, Cody, tell me what’s going on.”

Cody turned to look at Rex, baringhis gritted teeth and snarling.

“That kriffin seppie, that… that…” it waslike Cody couldn’t find a cursing bad enough to describe who Rex already knewhe referred to “Krell. What he did. I can’t understand it.”

Rex looked deep into Cody’s browneyes that were filled with anger and sighed.

“I can’t either. I don’t think weever will.”

Cody half-shook his head, his facetwisting in revulsion.

“We use to joke about how many of ourmen would survive if we ever were to have them fight against each other.”

Rex closed his eyes and it was as ifhe had been punched in the gut.

“Cody…”

“We used to joke about it, Rex.”

Therewas a raw horror in Cody’s voice that made Rex feel like cradling the commander in his arms, but he tried to keep his tone cool and even.

“We never meant it. Huh?” Rex saidas he placed his arm on the table “We never did. It was a joke. It’s not ourfault.”

Cody grabbed Rex’s arm in a tightgrip, speaking between clenched teeth:

“Then whose fault it was?! We ledour men there, Rex. We let it happen. I… I got Krell’s orders for shooting tokill at men with the 501st armor and I just sent my men out there to blasttheir brothers dead. I… I shot some of my brothers dead. If you hadn’t found it out… It could’ve been you or me.”

Rex didn’t particularly like todwell in any thoughts regarding how close they’ve gotten to killing each otherin Umbara. He didn’t know how Cody would feel about killing him, but Rexthought that if he were to find Cody dead by his blaster fire, he’d shoothimself dead right then and there.

“Cody…”

“And then” Cody let go of Rex’s arm,reaching for the holo-projector “then I get this…!”

He clicked the thing and a blue-huedprojection of Cham Syndulla showed up in front of them. It was clearly arecording, playing on loop. The general’s voice said:

“…to thank you for your continuoussupport to the people of Ryloth. As a parting question, I must ask where is theclone trooper known as ‘Waxer’. A little girl to whom your troops provided aid during yourfirst time in Ryloth misses him terribly, and her parents yould like to see himagain too. This should be all, commander. We will speak again soon.”

The projection began repeatingitself again and Cody clicked it off. His hand was shaking on top of the table.

“My men” he said, and his breathingwas hitched “said that you witnessed his death. That you were there with him.”

“Cody…”

“How was it?”

“His death? How do you think? Likeany other kriffing casualty, quick and horrible and meaningless.”

Cody still held Rex by his arm sotight Rex thought it would bruise but he couldn’t care less about it.He reached for Cody with his free hand, grabbing his other arm as Cody now wore an anguished expression on his features.

“Meaningless. That’s what we are forthem, we don’t mean anything, we’re pawns, war fodders, disposable tools, and I’m supposed to puta smile on my face and tell my shinies to march forward to their deaths,fifteen year olds, I think Kamino is pulling them outta their tubes earlier andearlier each day.” Cody’s eyes were welling up with tears and he lowered his face “Andnow I have to tell a kid that the trooper she used to call ‘brother’ is dead, killed by hisown brothers’ blaster fire, and I’m sick of losing men, sick of training them andwatching them grow and make me proud to then be cut in half by some maniac’slightsaber or something like that, I’ve had enough, Rex, when is this nightmaregonna be over…!”

Rex pulled Cody into his arms, andCody wrestled him for a few instants before giving in and hugging the captaintight and sniffling. For a man big as he was, Cody now felt small like a young recruit.

“That’s it, that’s it. get it allout. Shh.” Rex cooed, caressing the back of Cody’s head. Cody’s shoulders werejumping very softly in small sobs, and it made Rex want to cry. It was so weirdseeing Cody allowing himself to have emotions, the mighty commander of the 212th that would never lose his temper on anything. “I’m here for you. I’ll alwaysbe here for you. I love you, Cody.”

Cody’s voice was muffled againstRex’s shoulder.

“I love you too. I’m so sorry.”

“I’m sorry too.”

Cody pulled away from Rex justenough to look at him and there, so up close to him, red-eyed and exhausted,with his eyelashes wet with tears and the arabesque scar Cody had never seemedso beautiful to Rex. Before he could understand what he was doing, Rex closedhis eyes and pulled Cody into a kiss. Cody had gone rigid for a moment to thenwrap his hands around the back of Rex’s neck, smashing his lips harder againstthe captain’s. It felt like the world was spinning around for Rex, and he onlypulled back when he was positively breathless. While still trying to catch hisbreath, he pressed his forehead to Cody’s. The commander of the 212th still hadhis eyes closed, and Rex whispered softly:

“You don’t have to endure this onyour own. We don’t have to.” He ran a thumb over Cody’s cheek “I’ll be here foryou, Cody. That’s all I want, if that’s okay with you.”

Cody opened his eyes, lifting themup and looking at Rex through his dark eyelashes.

“Yeah…” he muttered to then swallowhard “That’s okay with me.”

“We’ll be okay. We’ll find our wayout of all of this.”

Cody nodded and, for a moment right then and there in that dimly-lit room, that almost sounded true.