#Not even nervous for the actual surgery though on account of me getting put to sleep.

[iero]

The closer my wisdom teeth surgery date gets (It's in a week from today), the more nervous I fucking get. A surgery that is usually for late teens/early 20 year olds has become one of the most nerve wracking things anticipated in a long time.

[lovelyirony]

@rhodee for you

When Tony had gotten back from Siberia, he hadn’t been able to see anyone for a long time. 

But people had been to see him. 

He wasn’t expecting Rhodey to come and see him for a variety of medically-related reasons, but he was hoping for an email or a phone call, at least a message about Tony being a “dumbass.” 

And then he asked Pepper how Rhodey was doing, and she tenses up. 

Pepper has never been a good liar to Tony, not since they got drunk together for the first time and she told him every single tell she had for lying. They could never hide from each other after that. 

“He’s...knocked out, still.” 

Tony raises his eyebrows. 

“So, he’s not knocked out, something happened to him.” 

“Tony, he...he doesn’t remember.” 

“What, the fall? I wish I couldn’t remember that either, but I’m betting that that’s not what you’re talking about.” 

“He doesn’t remember any of us. He doesn’t remember anything except for his freshman year of college. All of this information is...overwhelming for him.” 

Tony freezes. 

He and Rhodey didn’t live together freshman year. Hell, they didn’t even know each other freshman year. They became sort-of-friends near the beginning of sophomore year, and that meant... 

Oh god.

Rhodey wouldn’t remember three important things: 

1.) He’s bisexual.

2.) He’s an accomplished man who has achieved much in his lifetime and has grown comfortable with himself with years of help.

3.) He married Tony. They’re married. 

For a long time, Rhodey didn’t really want to admit that he liked guys. It wasn’t something he ever talked about, nothing he ever wanted to discuss. He didn’t mind that Tony had an attraction to men, but he always seemed to put himself at a distance when Tony brought someone over for dinner or a study session. 

Rhodey didn’t want to come to terms with it at first. He was very adamant that he would marry a nice girl and settle down, and Tony hadn’t contested it, hadn’t challenged him on it. That could have very well been the situation. 

It wasn’t until the end of sophomore year--into the summer, actually--that Rhodey even wanted to tempt to talk about what attraction would even mean for him. 

They had gotten together senior year, and Tony has a picture framed in their bedroom of Tony dipping Rhodey into a kiss (and dropping him after the picture was taken) after graduation. 

“They had to take off his wedding ring for the surgery, but I wasn’t sure what to tell him. The doctors said to avoid bringing up any information that would surprise them, and I remember that you talked about it once...” 

“Yeah,” Tony says thickly, his chest hurting from more than just a frisbee-toss gone wrong. “Okay. Yeah. Let’s, uh...let’s just transfer him over to the headquarters. I’ll just...I’ll figure something out.” 

He can’t tell Rhodey he has a husband. He can’t. The reaction alone would be terrible, if he’s knowing what he knows. 

-

So he doesn’t. 

Tony welcomes Rhodey into the compound after taking down every single romantic photo, briefing everyone who still lived there that Rhodey had lost his memory, and praying to whoever would listen that Rhodey didn’t find out until he was comfortable with it. 

“I don’t go by Rhodey,” was the first thing off of his lips. Not a hello, not a smile. “I go by Jim.” 

“Right,” Tony says, smiling in that flashy way that Rhodey usually told him to stop, because it creeped him out because he knew what that smile was actually all about. “Jim. Nice to see you back.” 

“I wish I could say the same, but I’m not exactly sure I remember you. Your face looks really familiar, though.” 

“Well, that’s what nearly twenty-five years of knowledge can do to somebody,” Tony says quickly. “Let me show you to your room. Sorry about the lack of decorations, we didn’t really want to overwhelm you with anything.” 

“I’m fine,” Rhodey says, clearly annoyed. “It’s just weird knowing that I’m way fucking older and apparently I graduated college and managed to make something of myself and I can’t remember any of it.” 

“I can’t say I understand, but I can say that it sucks,” Tony says. “But, lucky for you, I kept some of your stuff.” 

“A friend kept my stuff?” Rhodey asks. “Why?” 

“Because I’m annoying and you pretend like you hate me, when I am the best thing that happened to you,” Tony says, smiling. 

He then turns when he can see Rhodey’s--Jim’s--expression turn sour. 

“Ah, anyway,” Tony says hurriedly. “You just...keep stuff sometimes.” 

(He’s not going to mention that it’s because they shared an apartment. Or a house. Or a room. Or, on occasion, a bank account.) 

“Dinner is gonna be at seven, feel free to come down,” Tony says, smile wearing thin. 

- 

Jim doesn’t come down. 

Or he did, but he came down early. 

Because he doesn’t want anything to do with Tony. 

“It’ll just take time,” Pepper tells Tony over the phone. “Give him some space.” 

So Tony does. 

But it’s hard giving your amnesiac husband space when you’ve never done it before, not really. 

Tony has always been around Rhodey, always been invading and crawling into his space, and Rhodey really only complained when Tony’s hands would sneak around his chest when the nights were dark and cold. 

Now they’re at a distance, and Tony doesn’t know how to bring up any facts about their life. 

So far, all Jim’s been doing is catching up on history. 

“We fought Captain America?” he asks, gaping at the article about finding Captain Rogers in an iceberg. “Why?” 

“He likes putting his foot in his mouth a lot.” Tony says. “And both sides have been notoriously bad at keeping their cool.” 

“Oh. So we just...I  fought him? Because I’m just friends with you?” 

“Yeah,” Tony says, quite uncomfortable with the insertion of the word “just” in that sentence. 

“...weird.” 

“The future’s crazy, honey-bear.” 

Jim looks up. 

“Why do you call me that?” 

“Call you what?” 

“Honey-bear. It’s weird.” 

“Inside joke we have,” Tony says, chest tightening. “We thought those couples that have the lovey-dovey nicknames were ridiculous.” 

“Oh. Gross.” 

“Yeah, it is,” Tony says. “But kinda funny. One time you called me ‘sugar-tits’.” 

Jim laughs at that one. 

“Oh god, that’s...rough. What else did I call you?” 

Baby. Honey. Love of my life. Darling. 

“Uh...” Tony says, pretending to think. “I think love-muffin was also an option.” 

Jim throws back his head and laughs. 

“How did we...how did we become friends?” 

“Well, it all started with a dining hall and you trying to steal an entire painting without getting caught, and my valiant rescue...” 

“Why do I get the feeling that that’s not true?” 

“Because it isn’t,” Tony grins. “Just making sure your bullshit-detector is working again. It is. We met because we weren’t supposed to be roommates but they fucked up and the rooms filled up, so you dealt with me as best you could.” 

“Oh,” Jim says. “What do we do for fun?”

Go on date nights. Talk about how stupid we were as kids. Debate who asked out who. Cook together. 

“Uh, we used to...shoot hoops.” 

“You don’t seem like a basketball kinda guy,” Jim says. 

“Oh believe me, I wasn’t,” Tony responds with a laugh, “but you were, and you always liked kicking my ass on the court.” 

“Good to know that I can still probably do that,” Jim says, smug and self-satisfied. “Hey, where did Pepper go?” 

“Oh, she’s busy with a contract this week, what do you need?” 

Jim puts his hand on the back of his neck in that nervous habit he always got (that Tony only knew about because every single time he would walk into the room after he realized he liked him in that way, Rhodey would do that). 

“Um, just want to ask her something. About my life.” 

And Tony can’t breathe. 

He doesn’t know and that’s...that’s everything. 

“She’ll be back for dinner,” Tony says. “In the mean time, I’ll be in the lab working on some stuff, feel free to do whatever.” 

“Thanks, man.” 

- 

Pepper stares at Jim, who for so long has been one of her best friends and is now asking if he had anyone who he was involved with romantically. 

“You...what?” 

“Did I have a girlfriend or anything?” Jim asks. “Because, um, it’s going to kind of suck if I didn’t.” 

“You had a girlfriend sophomore year,” she answers carefully. “That lasted for about three months or something. You’d have to ask Tony more about it, he knows more about you than I do.” 

“And you said we’re...friends? We didn’t date?”

“Yeah, we are friends, no we didn’t date,” Pepper says. “We get lunch on Thursdays if you’re in town.” 

“I’m in the army, right?” 

“About to retire, too,” Pepper says with a grin. “You were really happy, you were planning on taking Tony on a trip.” 

“I was?” Jim asks, frowning. “We’re...that close?” 

“Well yeah, you’re-” Pepper pauses for a moment. “You’re best friends. You always like spending time with Tony.” 

“Oh,” Jim says. “Okay.” 

He knows that they’re lying to him. He gets why: if he learns too much, it could cause some sort of damage. And according to Friday, “Colonel Platypus” (whatever the fuck that means) keeps his personal life intensely private. 

He doesn’t know why he’s done that. Why he’s kept everything so private. It’s not because of his military status, he thinks. Unless, of course, they put him on all sorts of secret projects. That could definitely be a thing. 

Tony keeps almost calling him Rhodey. It’s a weird nickname. He doesn’t know why he apparently loves it. It sounds...stupid. Weird. Jim works just fine. 

Pepper also said they were just friends. And she sounds like she means it. And Tony says they’re just friends, but he doesn’t sound like he means it. 

But that doesn’t mean...? 

No. Of course not. There would be pictures and rings and all of that sappy, gross shit that comes with weddings. 

...would there be? 

“Hey Friday?” he asks. 

“Yes, Colonel Rhodes?” 

“Um. Is gay marriage legal?” 

“Yes, Colonel Rhodes, it is. Would you like further articles about the decision?” 

“Uh...sure. I guess.” 

He keeps reading articles (with reading glasses) and learns a lot about what’s been going on. 

He’s just interested, obviously. In current events. 

- 

It’s a week later when he asks Tony about it. 

“So...did you remember the whole legalization of gay marriage thing?” he asks Tony, who pauses at his coffee. “I, um. Read an article where they said you were bi, so I wasn’t sure if you-” 

“No, I am,” Tony says. “I remember it really well. I celebrated well that day.” 

he grinned as he looked at Rhodey, and swore to rent out the entire metropolitan museum of art, just for him. he would do anything for him, anything at all-

Jim looks at him. 

“What did you do to celebrate?” 

“Well, there were quite a lot of people at gay bars. We danced. I drank a glass of champagne. And then we danced again.” 

“Someone was with me?” 

“You were,” Tony says. “You were here when it happened, and it was...it was a good day for us.” 

“I’m not gay though,” Jim says with a frown. 

“Doesn’t mean that you can’t celebrate,” Tony says, eyes holding something in them that makes him look like he might cry. “Some people’s triumph can be a momentous occasion.” 

It can the occasion where your marriage is finally recognized everywhere. It’s where you get the iconic photo of mashing cake in your partner’s face, and all of the guests are grinning and you’re happy, and--

Tony shakes himself out of that train of thought. 

“Yeah, I guess,” Jim says. “Just...please tell me that you didn’t get any embarrassing pictures.” 

“Oh I did,” Tony replies, grinning maniacally. “Would you like to see yourself in a feather boa or a flamingo floatie?” 

“Oh my god,” Jim moans, throwing his hands to the dinner table. “No...” 

“You looked a dream, gorgeous,” Tony teases. “And I have the pictures to prove it. I’ll get them out another time, I promised Dum-E that I’d help him pick up his mess.” 

“Who is he?” 

Tony grins. 

“He’s our baby, metaphorically speaking. We built him on a half-drunk, half-dare kind of situation,” Tony says. “He’s a disaster.” 

Jim thinks about it for a moment. “Can I...can I meet him?” 

-

Dum-E hasn’t seen his dad in forever. He’s wheeling around Rhodey, beeping and nearly running over his feet. 

“Great, your return has pushed back any build-up coordination training we did,” Tony scolds, although his tone doesn’t sound serious at all. “Dum-E, your father and I agreed to help clean, although methinks that Jim will be a great surveyor for us.” 

“What’d you spill?” Jim asks. 

“Couple of glass stuff,” Tony says. “He’s been really into stained glass recently, I think he was trying to make his own.” 

“He can think?” 

“Yeah,” Tony says. “His coding, by the way, was like sixty percent you. That’s why he’s so damned stubborn and also why he puts motor oil into smoothies, genius.” 

“Hey, that most definitely was you,” Jim says. “You didn’t grocery shop that day, so I was weak and malnourished.” 

Tony stills. 

“You...remember that?” 

Jim pauses for a moment. 

“You...you were supposed to go grocery shopping and I made a list,” he says, smiling fondly. “And you didn’t take the list because you said you had an eidetic memory, but you still forgot the lemons, so I don’t believe you.” 

Tony throws back his head and laughs. 

“Glad to have a memory for you, Rho-Jim. You want a glass of water or anything?” 

“Water sounds fine.” 

Jim watches as Tony works around Dum-E, obviously used to his quirks and mannerisms as he banters and threatens with nothing backing up that threat. 

He smiles as he wheels himself over, grabbing a dust pan on his way over. 

“Figured we’ll need this,” he offers. Tony accepts it with a smile. 

“Thanks Jim.” 

“You can-you can call me Rhodey. If you want.” 

Tony looks at him for a moment. 

“But is that what you want?” 

Jim pauses. 

“Yes. For now.” 

“Okay,” Tony says, smiling. He’s not showing how fucking happy he is, how ready he is to leap for the moon and bring stardust down on his way home. “Thank you.” 

Jim nods. 

“I think I’m gonna turn in for the night.” 

“Have a goodnight, Jim. Let me know if you need anything.” 

-

He lies awake in bed that night. 

“Hey, Friday?” 

“Yes, Boss?” 

“I...I’m not being told everything, am I?” 

“Information can potentially be triggering to the current state you are in, Colonel Rhodes.” 

“Are you being paid to say that?” 

“I don’t get paid,” Friday says. “Although if I did, I would not want to take the money.” 

“So I am missing something,” Rhodey says. “I just...I don’t know what.” 

“It will come with time, Colonel Rhodes.” 

“And if it doesn’t? If I have to relive life all over again?” He asks, growing agitated. “If my memory doesn’t come back, Friday...I’m not sure they’ll ever tell me anything.” 

“It is already a good sign that you remembered Dum-E. He was missing you quite terribly.” 

“Can I...can you show me a picture of me with him?” 

“Sure thing, Boss.” 

- 

Rhodey has a sharp intake of breath. 

Right there. 

Right on his left hand. 

A wedding ring. 

And then he looks at Tony, Tony who is looking fondly as Rhodey and Dum-E are reenacting some stupid thing, and there’s a-

A ring. 

On the left hand. 

That wasn’t there before. 

Shit. 

[spnasylum]

My notes while listening to Misha’s comments on the podcast: (grab a snack!)

In light of the most recent fandom drama I decided to listen to *that* podcast and take notes as I went along about what was actually said and then give my take on it as objectively as possible. This is basically an essay so strap in!

He complains about not getting a trailer on set that’s the same as Jared and Jensen’s. Even though he has one that can accommodate 3 people. This was the first point of discussion inspired by opening up the interview with a brief chat about Misha currently being in his camper van and how he’s sleeping in it even though he’s still home in Bellingham. The whole hour and 26 minutes has an undertone of complaining and ego stroking by all involved. 

 Says he’s sad he didn’t get to be there for the final days of filming.  

 Seems a little nervous about if friendships made during the shows run will last now it’s over. 

 Admits he has no plan in place or anything coming up career wise and he’s unsure of his future. This is where he brings up Walker and The Boys and says if he had shows like that to go to he wouldn’t feel SPN ending was so monumental. It is said with a slight tone of bitterness. 

 Side note: the hosts Alaina and Malik seem to be fine with running with the narrative that Misha was part of the show it’s entire 15 year run. Misha clears this up eventually by saying he joined in season 4. 

 Misha says that he realized about six years ago that SPN could run as “we”  wanted it to, implying he has any say in keeping the show going or not. He asserts that he would have been on the show up until the very end in any case. But he didn’t feel that way the first few years he was on the show. So that makes me think something or someone involved gave him the feeling he could be confident in being in the cast for however long SPN aired. Maybe this was after Sera left? Maybe this was when he agreed to a significant pay cut and demotion? Either way it seems he felt SPN = job security. 

 Misha doubts he’ll have the feeling of job security again. 

 Says from around age 11 he wanted to be a politician. 

 Says he saw “successful, untalented” actors and decided “I can do that”. He realized that was naive and it’s actually not easy to be that successful and by the time he got his career going he was basically just in it for the fame it’s not anything he took seriously. 

 We find out his wife did a doctorate in gender history... for some reason. 

 That Marilyn Monroe was some sort of baseline for him about creating a public persona (🤷🏽‍♀️) except for getting cosmetic surgery he points out. 

 Talk about how he got started. Acting classes, improve groups. Moving between Chicago, DC and LA. 

 Discussion about the differences and similarities between Hollywood and Washington. 

 States he got a consultant to help him cultivate a fan base and image to connect with an audience after getting on SPN. Admits that was a double edged sword because an anonymous public start thinking that they really know you and things start getting weird. 

 Mentions trying to find a balancing act of being authentic and having a private life but still keeping your fans. 

 He admits that the fan base he grew for himself by seeming accessible has caused him to attract people who don’t have any boundaries. This is when he claims the “dialing it back” in regard to how much he shares and mentions his kids specifically as something he doesn’t feel comfortable with putting out there. Uses the word “unhinged” to describe them. 

 Malik mentions “crazy fans” who seem to know too much about you and finding out where you are etc. Using the example of fans turning up at an airport wanting autographs and you wondering how they even knew you’d be there and what flight you taking. He asks Misha to share experiences about his own crazy fans. 

 This is when Misha uses the example about having fans who think that when he tweets something out he’s communicating with them personally. 

 Alaina then says that in the Supernatural fandom people fight each other to protect Jared, Jensen and Misha and it’s “very bizarre”. She volunteered that people think Misha secretly hates Jared and that it’s not true. Not sure why she decided to direct the conversation to a place that would cause drama and give Misha a chance to play victim. 

 And then...

 That’s when he claims that he was public enemy number one with super fans of the show because he’s taking attention away from Jared and Jensen. 

 That’s when he brings up the alleged organized attack to take down his Facebook account. He says they reported him for... *pauses... claims to not know what. But that whatever it was “Facebook bought it and took it down”. Facebook deleted/deactivated his account but he eventually got it back. 

 Side note: Facebook (like all social media) have always been bias when it comes to people with leftist views and let them have free reign on the platform. So he must have done something that they would decide to suspend him. I don’t think J2 fans can be blamed for the content he posts and if it violated any ToS. As we know he can post some inappropriate things on social media. 

 He then brings up the allegations of him taking money out of his organization. Stating it’s “categorically untrue” is all he brings forward as evidence to the contrary. 

 Side note: I don’t know why then that there’s no receipts or transparency. Why is his mother a beneficiary, why do people who mention he owns Stands get blocked, why set everything up in Delaware and have your for profit and so called non profit interests so entangled etc etc) I guess fans are just supposed to have faith and take his word for it. 

 He says that ALL of them (Jared, Jensen and himself) have people who hate them in the fandom. But overall the fandom is lovely and supportive of the cast and each other. Makes an attempt at stating there’s no kind of competition or animosity between he and Jared. I think this is like the 3rd or 4th time in the interview either he or Alaina bring up Jared but keep the focus on how Misha is the one facing “character assassination.”

 Finally says that all of them have nasty things done to them and they all have had to consult security because of threats to their families etc, doesn’t specify which faction of the fandom that’s coming from. Mentions people filing police reports in the fandom but doesn’t say regarding who or what. Alaina reacts like it’s the first time hearing of this happening. Misha just goes “yeah!” Then they move on to talking about living situations. 

 Apparently Alaina and Misha were neighbors in LA but didn’t take advantage of that. She doesn’t live in LA anyone, wants a new adventure. 

 Misha mentions Bellingham is another thing about his future he’s unsure about and how his kids flourished there. 

 Brings up not being present with his kids even when he’s home because of work and side projects and that the one thing he’s enjoying right now it spending time with them. That he used to operate from a place of guilt because his kids felt like they only have one parent. He and Malik briefly spoke on how their careers have negatively affected their love lives. 

 Misha says he’s not really involved with Random Acts or running it anymore. (Ummm... what) 

 He and Alaina discuss Haiti and Nicaragua for a while. 

 Says he may try to get into directing. Says he likes having creative control. Mentions he likes doing his art installations. 

 Admits that getting a bit of success made him very entitled and wanting of special treatment. But claims he’s trying to keep that in check (where?) and he’s just like everyone else (well duh!). But he “trades on his celebrity” to get stuff and it makes him feel dirty (I think everyone with any kind of following does that though so nbd)

 Talk of how TV/film is more diverse in telling minority stories these days. 

 Was asked by Malik if he has any kind of chip on his shoulder career wise and Misha says the chip on his shoulder is being bored. But says he needs to work on being more engaged. 

 He then abruptly wants to end the interview. Saying he has to pick up his kids. Malik wants another question. He asks how Misha has been hurt or healed by his career. 

 Misha then brings up the movie Karla. Again admitting to becoming more like Paul psychologically irl. But says knowing he has that type of evil in him somewhere (and says that we all have that in us) made him more empathetic to the human condition. 

 They then say their goodbyes. End of interview. 

 ——

 My takeaway. The worst thing he can think to say the people who don’t like him in the fandom did was trolling to get his Facebook deactivated? Also that people can see the suspicious nature of his businesses? It would be really easy to settle that with actually being transparent about the finances, which they aren’t and not having close family as benefactors though. Also, I can only speak for myself. But I never hated him. I actually loved Castiel (before his character was there just to be there in recent seasons and Cass wasn’t Cass anymore. I think Misha’s need to pander to shippers/stay on the show was a great disservice to Castiel and his arc) I was a huge Misha fan, and participated in RA and Gish a lot. I absolutely adored Misha, I led myself to believe he was the most amazing person in the world, obviously that’s the reaction he wanted to cultivate from us. Unfortunately I learned too much, experienced first hand and heard too much to be able to keep cheerleading for him. I feel bad for the people still under the spell of feeling like it’s their job to keep being defensive and unreasonably loyal to someone who you can’t and don’t really know and only have a superficial “relationship” with. Seeing the ever more unhealthy and toxic lengths people feel they need to go to to prop up his ego etc. The constant investment emotionally and financially that goes into it and the “sunk cost” if you let reality in makes it hard to let go I guess. Even he knows that what he’s done to gain and maintain relevance has attracted what he called multiple times an unhinged fan base he has to try and balance without losing his influence. I think he maybe had or has good intentions but his fame hungry drive and narcissistic personality traits win out in the end. The Heller’s seem to have, as always, taken what was said and blown it out of proportion, twisted things and created their own narrative. I do see them using key words from the interview a lot suddenly though to bully for him. So, I guess the dog whistle to the sycophants worked out. I hope that a time comes where they can have a more healthy relationship with the media and public figures they choose to gravitate towards. We can all get over zealous with things but there’s lines that shouldn’t be crossed. For some that seems sadly unlikely. I hope that Misha does indeed one day get himself in check as he calls it and I can feel comfortable to support him again. But so long as he’s being enabled and not held accountable again that seems sadly unlikely. Even though I do occasionally find myself being drawn in by the facade again a little and quickly retreating because the issues remain the same. There is a problematic dynamic in the Supernatural fandom for sure. That’s why for a long time I opted out and just watched the show separately from fandom. It’s why when I found out it was ending I had this odd sense of relief I wasn’t expecting to feel and it made me sad. I hope that now the show has aired its finale we can all reflect on things, hopefully be more self aware and objective and most importantly honest about what really has gone down and why. When things started turning sour there have been plenty of times it could have been nipped in the bud yet wasn’t. People who used this silly yet special show in selfish ways, times when walking away would have been better than sticking around trying to make things and people into something never intended to be, giving into tribalism while claiming we’re a family... for that I think we all hold a little piece of responsibility. 

  You can listen to it yourself on Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/episode/0m07her5JUf0JGGtDVohtJ?si=c-RdyZzFQmSzffgNzZhkQg

[the-writer-nerd-ro]

Christmas Party Panic

Christmas/Holiday present and general OC fun for @brainyxbat and @spyrkle4 and @barely-nok read to find out which BH6 character or OC says the f-word.

Seth stretched, their back tingling and aching as they pulled a lush, soft Christmas sweater over their chest, where the scars of surgery had primarily healed, and their back, where the scars were still a little raw.

“Good morning my king,” Morgan mumbled, sleepily reaching for her tube of toothpaste and almost putting lotion on her toothbrush instead. Seth gently corrected her, far more used to being awake early in the morning than their drowsy girlfriend. 

“Morning, sugar,” Seth smirked, “Are you excited for the party?”

“For the… That’s today?” Morgan still didn’t understand how she’d been invited to this party. By all accounts, it didn’t make sense. Things between her and Hiro were tolerant, maybe even a tad protective, but not exactly warm. Wasabi and Fred kind of liked her, but all of them liked Seth and Seth loved Morgan, so Morgan made it to the guestlist for The Lucky Cat Cafe Christmas party.

The guestlist was actually getting pretty long. That was Ari’s fault. If it were up to Hiro, it would just be Big Hero 6, Ari, and Megan. Fred had insisted on inviting Seth which had landed Morgan on the guestlist as well, but Ari was the one throwing around invites to anyone who smiled at her. Which included all of the Ferns, Sienna, Rachel and her folks, and now some random coffee patron.

"You can't add strangers to the guestlist, Ariel.” 

“Doesn’t seem like she’s a stranger to me,” Ari smirked, jerking her head towards Wasabi, who was nervously stumbling over his words and rubbing his neck as he talked to a short girl with green streaks in her hair.

“Look at him,” Ari gigled, “he’s smitten. You’ve got to let him invite Venus. They’re so cute together. You got to invite Megan.” Hiro blushed at the mention of Megan. 

“That’s different. And isn’t he already inviting someone?” 

“No, that’s different, Khary is his brother. You’re inviting me.” 

“You’re not invited, you live here. Khary doesn’t live here. He’s cool though, and I know him, so it’s okay. I don’t know Venus. Too many people are coming to this party.” Hiro ran his fingers through his hair, seeming a little irritated and not very festive. Ari knew that this was difficult for him, his first Christmas without Tadashi. She’d hoped surrounding him with friends, old and new, would help him, but he just seemed uncomfortable. 

Ari placed a gentle hand on his shoulder, “What’s wrong?”

“Last year it was just different. I’m glad that you’re here, you’re the best change that ever could’ve happened. But last year… And Morgan…” 

Ari frowed. She hadn’t been around Morgan much but she liked her. Morgan was confusing and intriguing and always seemed like she was down for a good though slightly illegal time. Rachel had met her once and quietly commented that Morgan reminded her of Katie, if Katie was human and nice. 

“What about Morgan?” Hiro didn’t seem to like Morgan much, though Ari had never really understood why, until Hiro answered her.

“Morgan was Tadashi’s girlfriend. Now she’s what? Turned around and found somebody new?”

“Seth is really cool, you shouldn’t be upset at them.”

“I’m not upset at them! I don’t care about them. I’m upset that Morgan moved on so fast.” 

“I’m sure it wasn’t easy for her, Hiro. But maybe talking to her today will help.” 

Hiro was about to disagree when Wasabi came over, grinning like a fool.

“I got Venus's number! And she’s coming to the party.” Wasabi did a quick little happy dance. 

“Congrats,” Hiro muttered, disappearing upstairs. 

“Is he okay?” Wasabi asked. 

Ari bit her lip, wondering how much she should explain.

“He’s just nervous about the party,” she finally managed. 

“Ah. Well, me too, actually. I should, uh, I should go home and change…” The fact that this was kind of a date with the cute Botany Major had just occurred to Wasabi, and his face morphed into a panic.

“I’m looking forward to meeting your brother!” Ari called before Wasabi could run out of the cafe.

Wasabi hesitated, “What?”

“Didn’t you invite Khary?” 

His eyes widened, “I forgot my whole brother.” Ari stifled a laugh. She knew as well as anyone that love could make you do boarderline stupid things. 

"Well, don't forget him before the party."

"I won't," Wasabi promised, heading out.

Unlike her brother, Ari was excited about having so many people around for Christmas. While she loved Aunt Cass and Hiro, she knew her family was much larger than just them. It included all the wonderful people who had come into her life this past year. She wished Juniper could be on the guestlist, and that Karmi could be more than an unanswered invitation. She missed her dear friends and hadn't stopped worrying about either since the mutations, which had hit everyone pretty hard. They deserved a nice Christmas after everything that had happened. She just hoped Hiro would be a little more in the Holiday spirit later.

Hiro wasn't the only reluctant party guest. Actually, it seemed like reluctance was infectious. Morgan hadn't started feeling merry and Wasabi's last minute invite couldn't even leave her bedroom, too nervous and indecisive. 

"Sweetheart," Malia Woods said, putting a hand on Venus' shoulder, "you look wonderful. This Wesley fellow will be lucky to be your date tonight."

"Are you sure?" Venus spun in her Santa dress, looking like a million bucks, and her mom laughed.

"Yes, Cath, he's going to swoon when he sees you."

"Jack was making fun of me earlier," Venus frowned. She really did hate her older brother and his cruel jokes.

"Jack has been reprimanded. And he's out with friends tonight anyway, you have nothing to worry about. Come on, honey. Let's get you to your party." 

Venus nodded, taking a deep breath, mustering her confidence, and putting on a Santa hat.

"Let's go."

"Come on, Morgan, let's go! We need to leave now if we want to run errands before the party." Seth was many things but late was rarely one of them.

"Hold onto your horses, babe. It's not easy looking this perfect."

"It's not that hard, I do it all the time," Seth retorted, setting down three tins of decorated cookies and crossing their arms.

Morgan laughed, "I can't argue with you there…" Finally she emerged, makeup flawless, wearing a sweater that matched  Seth's. Seth's was green and said "All I Want for Christmas is You," with an arrow pointing at Morgan. Morgan's was red and said the same, with an arrow pointing at Seth. As tempting as it had been to buy even dumber couple's sweaters, they'd settled on something sweet that would still nauseate their friends and family.

"We look great," Seth said, grabbing the cookie tins.

"We're missing something, hold on." Morgan produced two pairs of reindeer antler headbands and plopped one down on Seth's head, before putting on her own. 

"Perfect," Seth agreed, though they knew it was cheesy. 

They were not half as cheesy as Sadie’s boyfriends, who opened the door to their apartment donned in a two person Christmas sweater that declared that Bennet was the naughty one and Dalton was the nice one.

“Oh my gosh,” Morgan snickered.

“Are you guys okay? Dalton? Bennet? Is this a punishment? Blink twice if my sister is holding you hostage.”

Dalton jerked his head at his slightly shorter boyfriend, “It was his idea.” 

Seth’s mouth formed an O, “Bennet, I thought you were the sensible one.” 

Bennet smirked, “This is great. Dalton has to hug me the entire time we’re wearing this.” While Bennet tended to gravitate more toward giving gifts and Dalton was more centered around acts of service it was obvious that one of Bennet’s love languages was physical touch.

“I’m touching his butt,” Dalton said with a shrug and a sly smile. 

“Is Sadie here?” 

“Yeah, but she’s being a real Grinch,” Bennet said, loud enough for Sadie to overhear. 

“You guys left me out of the Christmas sweater,” Sadie said, coming over.

“Sorry,” Dalton said sheepishly.

Sadie smiled, “I’m not mad at you, goof. What’s up, Seth, Morgan? You guys look adorable.” 

“Thanks. We brought you cookies! We have one more delivery to make before we go to this Christmas party later, so we can’t stay, but I’m really glad we got to see you!” Morgan seemed a bit more cheerful, but she was still nervous about the party. 

“I’m glad I got to see this,” Seth said, gesturing at Dalton and Bennet.

“Have fun at your party, I’m sure these cookies will be great,” Sadie said, taking the tin.

“Did Morgan make them?” Bennet asked, a bit skeptical.

“No, don’t worry,” Seth laughed.

“Hey, I can bake!”

“Mm, sure you can, sugar.” Seth kissed Morgan’s cheek, having to tiptoe per usual, though not as much since the incident. 

“I know you have to leave but you’ll have to join us for hot chocolate and S’mores sometime after Christmas. Dalton makes the best,” Sadie said.

“We’ll hold you to it.” They had one more couple to visit before they headed to the party, which was already getting started. 

“Ari, this is my little brother Khary. Hiro, I guess you two probably remember each other?” 

“Yeah, what’s up, man?” Hiro and Khary exchanged a fist bump and Khary shook Ari’s hand. 

“Just vibing,” Khary laughed, “It’s nice to meet you, Ari.”

“Nice to meet you too. Wasabi talks about you all the time."

"Wasabi?"

"Oh that's their nickname for me. You can use it too, Khare."

"Cool. It's uh, it's nice to know you have friends who care enough to give you nicknames." Wasabi smiled a moment but it was clear he was distracted, watching the door, waiting for his crush. The door opened and Wasabi held his breath, but it was just Megan and Chief Cruz.

"Hey, I know you, you go to my school!" Megan said, coming over and striking up a conversation with Ari, Hiro, and Khary.

"Yeah? I think I might've seen you around… I'm Khary."

"Megan. You were in Mary Poppins, right? I wrote about your performance for the school paper."

"Oh, cool!" Wasabi was obviously overjoyed that his baby brother was getting along with the others, but he was more concerned about his date. What if she decided not to come? What if she thought all this was too much? But, sure enough, Catherine "Venus" Woods made her grand entrance, instantly taking Wasabi's breath away.

"You look amazing, Venus. I'm so glad you came."

Venus instantly blushed, "You look nice too, Wesley."

"Oh, uh, you can call me Wasabi, all my friends do."

She nodded and made a note of it, "I really like your sweater."”

“Oh, really? I made it.” 

“You made that? Whoa. You’re so talented.”

“You’re pretty talented yourself,” Wasabi commented, “I’ve seen the project that got you into SFIT. That’s crazy cool.” 

Venus instinctively pushed her hair in front of her face, nervous and blushing. 

“T-thank you.” Khary nudged Wasabi’s leg with his foot and Wasabi remembered that he and Venus weren’t the only two people in the universe. 

“Venus, this is my little brother Khary.” Wasabi affectionately grabbed the teen by his shoulders.

“Oh,” Venus smiled, “Nice to meet you!” 

“And these are my friends Ari, Hiro, and Megan. Ari and Hiro’s aunt owns the cafe”

“You work here sometimes, don’t you, Wasabi?” Venus asked, since he was the whole reason she’d become a regular here. 

“Yeah, it’s been my part time job since high school.” He frowned, momentarily, thinking about Tadashi who had gotten him this job and more importantly had gotten him to this point in his life. This Christmas would be hard. He glanced at Hiro, noticing for the first time that all these changes, all these new people that Tadashi hadn’t known were really shaking the kid. 

“We’re late,” Morgan said, her leg jittering in the passengers’ seat, “maybe we shouldn’t go. Maybe we should just drop off the cookies with Kei and skip the party.”

“We’re gonna drop off these cookies and at least make an appearance at the party. Fred asked me to come, and I’m sure everyone is going to be glad to see you.”

“Sure,” Morgan rolled her eyes.

“Hey, our friends love you.”

“Your friends,” Morgan reminded, “you’re the one everyone likes.”

“That’s not true. Hiro’s little sister likes you.”

“Oh, yeah, well she’s different. She’s cool. Have you seen what she can do with the…” Morgan mimicked water bending, and Seth laughed.

“Not sure if I have. Haven’t exactly been on the anti-hero scene as long as you, babe.” Seth kept Morgan talking, distracted from her concerns about the party until they pulled up at their second stop. 

“Kei’s gonna love these,” Morgan said cheerfully, still over the moon that she had met and befriended her favorite performer. 

“We did good,” Seth agreed. Seth loved that Morgan had gotten to meet her idol but DJ Parasite had become so much more than music they drank to, Kei had sort of become like a mom to Seth. A really weird, young, cool mom.

Morgan knocked on the door to Kei’s apartment.

“I’m coming, I’m coming, hold on!” Kei yelled across the apartment, and there was a crashing sound before the door was unlocked.

“Oh my gosh,” Kei said, eying the sweaters, “you two look adorable. I didn’t think I could ship this more but I do.” 

Seth laughed, “Thank you.”

“Mr. Claus won’t match with me, but, ugh, I’m loving this.” Kei drew Morgan and Seth into a hug without warning, pulling them slightly into the apartment.

“We made and decorated cookies,” Morgan said, holding up the tin.

“Oh! Thank you! I think I have your presents ready, hold on.” Morgan and Seth stood there, waiting, as Kei disappeared, yelling down the hallway, “BABE! DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE GIFTS FOR THE KIDS ARE?”

Seth couldn’t help chuckling at the response, “They’re under the Christmas tree, dumbass.” 

“Right, obviously.” Kei dashed over to the tree and came back with two matching gift bags.

“It’s simple but if you don’t like it tell me, or, well just I’ll probably end up getting you something else as well so that’s a placeholder for now.”

“Do you want us to open it now?” Seth asked, taking the bag addressed to them. 

“No, I don’t wanna see your faces if you’re disappointed in them.”

“I’m sure we’re going to love them, Kei,” Morgan assured.

“Hope so. Oh! Before you leave, look up!” Seth and Morgan looked up in unison, a blush tinting both of their faces when they saw the mistletoe over the door. Seth glanced at Morgan who nodded and leaned down for a quick but sweet kiss. 

"See? Moth uses the mistletoe!" Kei shouted down the hall to her husband. 

"I don't need a parasite plant to kiss my parasite wife!"

"Well, we'll let you get to kissing," Morgan snorted, "we have places to be anyway."

"So are you excited for the party now?" Seth asked as they walked back to the car, pulling out the bit of tissue paper in the bag and revealing a lovely little bird ornament with soft fake feathers, "Oh, this is cute! What did you get?"

Morgan opened her own bird ornament, which was made out of gears and other steampunk parts. Morgan giggled, "Kei is nutso. These are going on our tree immediately."

"Are you excited about the party?" Seth asked again, for the third time today, actually.

The rest of this story will be in the fucking reblog I guess

[timefirewrites]

COMIC SANS INTRO

Taglist (ask to be added/removed): @black-lakritz-dragon​​ @marewriteblr​​ @spacetimewraithwrites​ @emmaschoutenwrites​

ID under the cut would’ve prefered to put it here, but the post is already super long, sorry

[ID: thirteen google presentation slides, all written in the font comic sans, black text on a white background.

1. Title: “Gay Space Pirates", subtitle: “thats it thats the story”

2. Title: “What.” Text:

Okay so, everyone is queer

Literally, there’s not a single cishet character in this story

I’m not sorry <3

Most of the cast are non-humans, but the ones that aren’t are super diverse

Transfem muslim gal, intersex nerd with vitiligo, nonbinary overweight dumbass, I’ve got them all

There are also some disabled and mute characters

Oh, also they’re all neurodivergent because I said so

3. Title: “Setting!”, Text:

So, humans discovered aliens are real

and joined their Intergalactic Union

(which is definitely not evil)

That happened about 300 years ago and humans are now vibing all over the galaxy

Sounds great, right?

Well, for most humans, sure, but the ones who had to stay behind on Earth because they couldn’t afford space travel don’t like it as much

The situation on Earth is kind of shitty, and some people want to leave

4. Title: “pLoT??”, Text:

Neb is one of those people

They got an amazing plan to “borrow” a spaceship and never look back

Problem: Neb didn’t account for a robot to suddenly accompany them

The plan kind of fails real bad, but in the end the two escape from Earth

And immediately get picked up by space pirates

Fortunately, they don’t get killed

Because those pirates could really use an extra pair of hands or two, for their biggest mission yet

Which is retrieving a weapon apparently powerful enough to destroy the universe before someone else does

Nobody knows what it actually looks like though

5. Title: “Neb”, Text:

Nonbinary, aro and ace (they/them)

overweight

has idiopathic hypersomnia (basically means they sleep a lot)

also chronic migraines

pretty impulsive and says what they think

has a hard time trusting others

dreamt of going to space for as long as they can remember

On the right side of this slide is a picrew image, showing a person with brown skin, dark brown eyes and black, curly hair. They’re wearing a red bandana as well as a torn yeans jacket and have multiple scars on their skin. The background is the nonbinary flag.

6. Title: “Ahdia”, Text:

Transfem, bigender and pan (she/they)

mute

mechanic of the ship and the only one with a sense for fashion

happy go lucky and just overall fun to be around

pretty laid back, but would absolutely hunt you down if you hurt one of her friends

proud holder of the single brain cell this crew has

On the right side is an image as well, it shows a woman with fairer, but still brownish skin and brown eyes wearing a black hijab and a long-sleeved light blue shirt with clouds on it. The background is the trans flag.

7. Title: “Cap”, Text:

intersex, queer (they/them)

First time they show up, they’re holding a soda and pizza

likes organization in theory

wants to appear like a badass, but is too chaotic for that

needs to wear glasses, but doesn’t bother

Captain of the crew that picks Neb up

certified mess

Again, an image of the right shows a person, this time with dark brown skin and vitiligo, dark brown eyes and long, black dread-locks. They have some silver piercings in their ears and wear a dark purple hoodie. The background is the rainbow flag with the brown stripes on top.

The next three slides feature two columns each, each with an own title.

Title: “Com”, Text:

AI of the ship

shy and nervous mess

wants to visit all kinds of planets

loves taking care of plants

panromantic and ace

uses she/her, but doesn’t really care about gender

spends most of her time watching trashy romance movies

Title: “Coal”, Text:

The robot Neb befriended

Realized they were self-aware not even a day ago and already got anxiety

easily overwhelmed by everything

Has no idea what to do with themself

they/them

someone tells them knitting is a thing and they never do anything else ever again

Title: “Laser”, Text:

genderfluid, uses he/him or she/her

weapon specialist and tired of it

suffers from chronic neurogenic pain

speaks in a very monotone voice

writes poetry, but nobody is allowed to read it

canonically wears crocs

Title: “Lifo”, Text:

gender? no thanks (uses fel/fels pronouns)

tiny, but deadly

lost an arm and half a leg and replaced them with robotic parts (same for fels spine)

usually very loud, but can be completely silent if fel wants

cook of the ship

loves collecting trinkets

Title: “Nova”, Text:

He’s absolutely enormous, huge, colossal and every other synonym for really big you can think of

looks like he can kill you, is actually a cinnamon roll

licensed medic and mom friend of the crew

I lied when I said Ahida is the only one with a brain cell, Nova knows what he’s doing too

loves painting

Title: “Mer”, Text:

Don’t tell anyone I said this, but Mer is my favorite

if the name wasn’t clear enough, his species is aquatic

he’s beauty, he’s grace, he’ll punch you in the face

killed a man and will do so again

don’t cross him, he will get his revenge and you will regret your actions

seems like he has everything under control, but really doesn’t

11. Title: “some of my favorite lines”, Text (in no particular order):

“What’s up with your display?” Their voice sounded more steady now, which was good. 

“I do not understand.” Their voice on the other hand just sounded confused. 

“Oh, right. You probably can’t see it. You’re currently displaying an error message. Which just reads ‘error’. Not very helpful.” 

“Fuck. I didn’t deactivate it.”

“We could just go in and race to the top.” 

“What? No. Why would we do that? We can’t afford to get caught, we need to make a plan, Coal.” 

“You said you wanted an adventure. Plus, I do not think we could create a plan, seeing as we know next to nothing about its defence and security.” 

They said that because of them? They were just rambling earlier, not really thinking about it, just talking to fill the silence. 

“Okay. But if anything goes wrong, it’ll be your fault.”

“Uh, I don’t think so? Better not touch it, though.” As Lifo said that, Cap could see fel fighting against the desire to do just that. At least Com would be happy. 

Chapter 13 - they did surgery on a grape Neb

“Oh. I’m the ship. Nice to meet you?”

Whatever the hell was going on, they didn’t sign up for this.

“I am fine.” Perfectly fine. Mhm. 

Coal nodded, then just stood around? 

"You're outnumbered now! Coal agreed to watch Love On A Foreign Planet with me. So, uh, get moving, Fishsticks."

They settled on two things they were pretty sure were edible: a soda labeled “SpacePop: the best soda in the universe” with a “multiple sunsets on Madoras” flavor and some leftover pizza. (They were pretty sure Madoras didn’t exist, they never heard of that planet before. Maybe they shouldn’t drink that soda after all.)

“I’m Laser, my gender is a burning trash can and my pronouns depend entirely on the mercy of the universe.”

12. Title: “Homegrown memes”, this slide is filled with six different memes.

A windows error message, but the title and text is just screaming. The two options are “AAA” or “AAA”. It’s labeled “Coal”.

A photo of two people in wedding clothes. They’re labeled “Laser and Lifo”, in the background is a person falling from the sky, labeled “Com”.

Spiderman (labeled “Mer”) is holding a screen labeled “dealing with a breakup like a normal person”, in the next frame that screen is being thrown away as spiderman looks at a pc being held by someone else labeled as “commiting murder”.

A person is being kicked into a lake by someone else. They’re labeled “Coal trying to figure out what to do now that they’re self-aware”. The person kicking them is labeled “the plot”.

The “is this a pigeon” meme, but the guy is labeled as “Cap”, the butterfly as “wearing a hoodie and truly horrendous shorts” and the caption now says “is this formal dress attire?”.

The last meme is a chart, with five rows and two columns.

Row 1: Regularly says fuck: Coal, Lifo

Row 2: has sworn of saying fuck, but said it at some point: Cap, Neb

Row 3: has not said fuck before, but can if so desired: Laser, Ahdia, Mer

Row 4: has not said fuck before and refuses to say it: Com, Nova

Row 5: legally cannot say fuck: also Coal

13. This slide is an image of Earth as seen from space. Above it white text reads “the End”. /end ID]

[fanficwriter013]

The Tower: Unexpected - 14

The Tower: Unexpected An Avengers Fanfic

Series Masterlist Previous //

Pairing:  Avengers x ofc, Bruce Banner x Bucky Barnes x Clint Barton x Wanda Maximoff x Steve Rogers x Natasha Romanoff x Tony Stark x Thor x Sam Wilson x OFC (Elly Cooper)

Word Count: 2071

Warnings:  pregnancy, surgery stuff

Synopsis: A little over 2 years after moving into the Avengers Tower, Elly finds herself pregnant against the odds.  While some are excited, others are terrified, and pregnancy that none expected to happen causes rifts through the group and threatens to end the relationship.  

Author’s Note:  Written with the writer to my muse ability @avengerscompound

Chapter 14: An Arm to Hold Them

When I reached 30 weeks the construction on the house was well ahead of schedule.  I guess that’s what happens when you have a multi-billionaire nudging things along.  While the whole facility wouldn’t be ready for a while after the babies would be born, at the rate it was going, we would be moving in before they came.  That is if they hung out until the end.

There was something else that had been going on that none of us had been aware of.  After Bucky had decided to have his arm removed Tony had gone to work designing a new one.  He’d spoken to Steve and together they’d worked on a design for one for him that was personal and beautiful and meant for Bucky the father to hold his children with, and not for the Winter Soldier to kill people.

When the arm was made Bucky was booked into surgery with these world-class surgeons and specialists in bioengineering.  Tony was going in with them to oversee things.  As was Bruce though he was a little unsure of how much he could help. 

The rest of us waited in the waiting room.  It was not a quick operation either.  We took turns pacing and being the strong one for each other for about 10 hours.  None of us were willing to go and just relax. 

“You think it’s over yet?”  I asked around the 9 and a half hour point.  I rubbed my side.  I was really stressed and really uncomfortable.

Wanda’s eyes glowed pink and she tilted her head to the side.  “They're still working. That's all I can tell you.”  She said.  I groaned and flopped on the couch, letting my head fall back against the wall.  “It's all medical jargon. I can't follow.”

“One of the babies is in my ribs and that isn't helping,”  I whined.

Wanda looked at me with her head tilted to the side.  “It's Riley.”

“Riley.  Please, I use my lungs for breathing.”  I complained rubbing my side again.

“I'm not sure she understands that,”  Wanda said.

I got up and started pacing again.  “Feel like she's headbutting them.”

“She'll settle if you settle.”

I shook my head.  “I'm trying to make gravity pull her down.”

Natasha stifled a laugh.  “El, I don't think that works.”

“Well, sitting didn't help either.”

“I know, sweetheart.”  She said, soothingly.

I went and flopped down next to Clint.  “Rub my back for me, please.”

Clint immediately began to knead the tightness out of my lower back.  “Yes, dear.”

“How's Steve holding up?”  I asked leaning forward a little.

“As well as can be expected,”  Wanda replied.

I frowned and we all fell back in that nervous silence again.  Clint steadily working out my muscles.  Eventually, I curled up on his lap and was just starting to doze when my stomach began to twitch.  “One of the babies have the hiccups now.”  I sighed.

Clint looked down at me.  “They do?”

“Yeah, look,”  I said and moved one of his hands so my stomach so he could feel the very obvious and regular jump of one of the babies hiccuping.

“Oh wow,”  Clint said, a large smile forming on his face.

“You can probably just see it,”  I said, rolling over and holding still, so the twitch became more visible.

“Holy shit,”  Clint said, his eyes going wide.  “That's so weird.”

“Yeah, it is. Feels weird.”

He held his hand there for a moment, when Wanda sat up suddenly, looking extremely alert.  “Oh, wait.”

“What?  Is it Bucky?”  Sam asked as I sat up.

The door opened and Steve stepped out into the room looking exhausted.  “They just finished.”

“It went okay?  He's okay?”  Sam asked.

“They're not sure,”  Steve said shaking his head.  “Well, he's okay. They're not sure about the arm.”

I made a whining sound as Sam went over to him and rubbed his back.  “How are you doin’?”  He asked.

Steve leaned on him a little, letting Sam carry just a little bit of the burden he felt on his own shoulders.  Taking that little bit of comfort from him.  “I'll know once he wakes up.”

I held out my arms to him.  “One of the babies have hiccups.  Come feel.”

“They do?”  Steve asked, his eyes lighting up for a second and the bare beginnings of a smile forming.

He moved a little closer to me and I pulled my shirt down tight over my stomach so he had a better view to see the little twitches.  “You wanna feel?”

He nodded and crouched down in front of me and put both his hands on my stomach.  I ran my fingers through the back of his hair as he stayed there tense, but still, feeling the regular little twitch.

“He's gonna be okay.  That arm is gonna be how he gets to carry both these two at once.”  I said gently.

“Right,”  Steve said.  “If it works.”

“It will.  It's Tony.”  I said and kissed his brow.  “If it doesn’t he’s still much happier without one than he was with the old one.  He can sleep without you there if someone else is.”

“This is true.”  Steve agreed.

“So.  He’s okay.  And we’ll know soon enough about the arm.”  I said.  “Did they say how long?”

Steve shrugged a little  “Maybe an hour?  Could be sooner.”

“Surgery is nerve-wracking, huh?”  I said quietly and then almost with no warning, I burst into tears.  The thought of how long I would have to wait between the C-Section happening and when I actually got to hold my babies hit me out of nowhere and the thought on top of how long Bucky’s surgery took and how stressed I’d been feeling just overwhelmed me.  Clint startled and then began rubbing my back and trying to soothe me.  “Sorry.  Bucky and then I thought how I'd be having a c-section and I won't be able to hold them for ages cause they'll be sewing me up.”

“You can hold them,”  Steve said, rubbing my arm.  “Just not weight-bearing.”

“No.  They let you for like a second and then they take them away and give them to one of you until I'm out of recovery.”  I sobbed.

“You'll get to hold them, sweetheart,”  Steve said.  “You're okay, and they'll be in good hands.”

“Yeah, I know they will be.  But... and with Bucky too.”

“Steve?”  Wanda said quietly.

I snapped my head around and looked at her.  “Is he awake?”

“No, but he's getting there.”  She said.  “And you need to be in there or he'll pull a Rogers.”

Steve got up and went back into the medbay, leaving the rest of us to wait.  It was another forty minutes before a nurse came out and told us we could go in and see him.  We all went inside and I beelined for him.  He was sitting up in bed looking sleepy and out of it.

I sat down next to him on the bed and snuggled up against his side.  “Hey.  You did it.”

“It won't move,”  He said, sounding quite out of it.  “It should move.”

“Maybe the drugs are still affecting your nerve endings,”  I suggested.

“Serum, El,”  Bucky grumbled.

“Oh, I'm sorry.  I wasn't aware they didn't take that into account when they anesthetized you.  No wait, yes they did because they consulted with me on it.”  I snarked.  I touched Bucky’s neck.  “Tell me when you stop being able to feel it.”

I started running my finger down his neck and along his shoulder.  I traced the scarring of his old wound and moved over the bandages.  When I reached his bicep he shook his head.   “Nothing there.”

“Okay.  Okay.  So there is some in here.  You've got dulling before the arm but it doesn't stop until after it.  So let’s not panic yet.  Either it's something that is going to increase as the anesthetic clears out of your system or it's something in the arm after its connection.”  I said taking his other hand and squeezing it.

“El, you shouldn't have told me that.”  He said, furrowing his brow.

“Why?  That's good news.  Easy fix.”

“Because. I'm going to panic.”

I lifted his hand and kissed his fingers.  “You were already worried.  It's okay, sweetheart.”  He let out a sigh.  “Has Tony checked it out yet?”

Bucky shook his head slowly.  “No.”

“Maybe he doesn't even expect it to be working yet,”  I suggested.

Tony chose that moment to come into the room.  “What?”

“Can’t feel my arm,”  Bucky muttered.

“Stops about here,”  I said, touching his bicep.

“Let me in,”  Tony said.  I got off the bed and he took my place.  He starts looking it over, moving parts and twisting it in a weird direction.  “Wasn’t turned on.”

“Jackass,”  Bucky grumbled.

“Does it work now?”  Steve asked.

“I don't know,”  Bucky said.  He seemed to be shutting down and closing us all out.  Like this was just too much for him to deal with.

“Why don’t you try it, Buck?”  Steve pushed.

“That's too much pressure,”  Bucky grumbled.

“Buck.  It’s gonna be okay,”  Steve said gently.  “Just relax.  You have your new arm and you’re gonna hold your babies with it.”

Bucky huffed and shuffled down into bed rolling onto his side.  Steve looked like he was in pain.  A nurse entered the room and looked around  “I think that's enough visitors for Sargent Barnes for today.”

I leaned in and kissed Bucky’s cheek.  “I love you.”

“Love you too.”  He whispered.

****

It wasn’t until the next day that we got to see Bucky.  Steve slept badly, though I think we all did.  The following morning I went to the lab for a few hours to keep my mind off it, even though I had been told I shouldn’t be working anymore.  I was just jittery and needed something to hold my attention until we were allowed to go see him again.

At 10 AM, I went up to find everyone gathered around in the waiting area.  “What’s going on?  They said 10?”

“They won't let us in,”  Wanda said.

“Why?  What's wrong?”  I asked, feeling a sense of panic build in me.

“I don't think anything is wrong. But they won't let us in.”  She replied.  “Just Steve.”

“I don’t like this at all,”  I grumbled.  I curled up next to Wanda and she held me and stroked my hair.  It felt like an hour passed before they called us in, but it was probably closer to five minutes when they came to get us.

We all filed into Bucky’s room, where Steve was sitting on the side of the bed next to him.

“Buck?”  Clint said as we all gathered around his bed.

“Yeah, sorry guys,”  Bucky says.  “Didn't mean to scare anyone.”

“You okay?  Why wouldn't they let us in?”  I asked.

“I'm fine. Come here.”  He said.

I moved over to him and he wrapped his right arm around my waist.  I leaned in and hugged him, feeling like I was about to cry or something.  “I was getting so worried.”

“It's okay. I'm sorry. Didn't mean to add to your stress.”  Bucky said and ran his prosthetic hand over the swell over my stomach.

“It works?”  I asked as I watched his metal fingers move over my belly.

He nodded.  “I can feel, El.  It's the new hand.  On your stomach. Feeling the twins.”

I put my hand on his new one.  “You can feel them with it?”

“It's not like with my real hand. But it's better than the other one.”  He said moving his hand from my stomach to gently caress my jaw.  “Tony said it'd get better with use.”

“You're okay with it?  You feel safe?”

“It's better than the other one.”

“You don't get out of changing diapers now.”  Sam teased, giving his thigh a pat.

“I know,”  Bucky said, going back to pressing his hand on my tummy.  “I want to. To be involved.”

“When I am in surgery you can be the one who holds my hand.”  I teased. 

He chuckled and nuzzled at my shoulder.  “You can squeeze as much as you want. And you won't hurt me.”

“Okay then, it's a deal,”  I say giggling.

Wanda smiled and looked a little wistful.  “As long as I get to do skin-to-skin I don’t mind.”  She said.

// NEXT

[mayleitz]

The Stalking

Okay so here’s this.

Elliot stalked me for over a year before we dated. The first time I met him, he spoke to me in my discord server right when it was new. He said he did not pledge money to support my videos, he didn’t really watch them or care about them. He supported me so he could have a direct line to talk to me. 

Naturally he started flirting with me and because at the time I was miserable and repressed, I went along with it at first but then told him to stop and to just be my friend. He doesn’t take rejection well so he kept trying and when I felt pushed away by his advances he would get mad at me for being a bad friend. 

This went on for a pretty long time, until he came out as trans. I was super excited for him and because we sorta knew each other and had been around, I forgave him for all the advances that were unwanted because I know trans folk pretransition have a tendency to be a bit like-that. 

And after that I grew to trust him a little bit more even though he really never knew me. But I always needed people to talk to and my resources were limited (the person I was dating at the time didn’t really let me have friends) so I talked to Elliot occasionally. He slowly gained my trust so I slowly opened up to him more and more. He was in some bad relationships, and so was I so we had that in common and could talk about it. 

On the night that I broke up with my then partner, I was suicidal. It was rough. I was trying to please them for so long that I just...didn’t honestly remember what doing anything for myself was like. I felt so backed into a corner. So I called Elliot.

We started to have a closer friendship where we would talk on the phone for hours at a time. I exclusively wanted to be his friend and he was constantly pining after me from this point on. He told me that he viewed YouTube like a dating site and that each channel was like a dating profile. He said he had dated multiple YouTubers and had dirt on all of them and planned to one day post some call-out thingy about all of them. I didn’t know the people in question so I didn’t question it much. But this was absolutely a through-line to our relationship. He viewed youtubers as possessions that he wanted to have. And god did he want to have me. 

It started really simply with telling me he was in love with me. He kept telling me and one day I said it back. Like...I love you, as a friend, who is into women. I had to constantly remind him that I was a lesbian and I was only interested in women. I had never really gotten a chance to experience that as myself and that was exclusively what I wanted.

Anyways so he started sending me unsolicited nudes. Usually when drunk but he did it a whole bunch of times. He would call me at parties and orgies he was at, sometimes while high on hardcore drugs or exceptionally drunk and he would say things like: “I’m gonna come visit you and we’re gonna have sex.” “May, are we gonna have sex when we’re together?” “God I want to fuck you.” and so on. 

And so I told him to stop because I was uncomfortable and I did not want any of it. It was all explicitly against my consent. And because I didn’t know what to do, I wouldn’t hang up so he just started passing the phone around to all his friends. One of them told me he wanted to blow me and I got so skeeved out that I tried to end the call. 

But then when I told Elliot I wouldn’t be having sex with him and I would like him to stop, he turned his attention a bit towards: “Just kiss me then.” “We have to kiss.” “There’s no way I’m not gonna kiss you.”

Which wasn’t a lot better.

The next day I was super angry. I told him I was tired of him sexualizing me without my consent. He got really upset and distant and I was worried that I would lose, in essence, my only friend, so I let him off the hook and said it wasn’t a big deal and I still cared about him. So he just started right up again. This happened multiple times a week.

He demanded to come to visit me but I was uncomfortable with that. My apartment was sorta my private space where I could transition in peace and be left alone. I didn’t want to bring a man into that space. Like ever. It was sacred to me. 

But he persisted so much that I finally said okay. He immediately got a plane ticket and oops now it had to happen. I was terrified. 

I felt a lot better when he got here because he wasn’t like most guys I’d known, at first. He was sweet and fun and funny and sure, he said a lot of off-color things but I mostly ignored whatever red flags were around. He asked if he could kiss me one night and I gave in and was like...well alright. He kissed me violently hard. With no kindness or gentleness. It felt like an attack. It was in my car and I had no real place to go so I just awkward looked around and waited for it to be over. 

But after that, I could sense that he wanted it to be more romantic that just friend stuff and so I held his hand and at one point I told him we were on a date and stuff to make him feel good and loved. It was clear that he was really happy and I wanted that more than anything. 

But then things started to get more serious and scary and my inability to say no to him made everything so much harder. It kept getting harder and harder to say no even though I knew this was not what I wanted. This person basically stalked me, sexually harassed me and treated me like an object of desire for over a year and somehow I was afraid to hurt his feelings. 

We got a tattoo together. It was my first tattoo and I was really nervous and scared and he held my hand and was very warm to me and I thought about how alone I would soon be again when he left but I was hesitating because I didn’t want to be in a relationship with him. 

By this point, he got his way and we had had sex. I didn’t want to but I knew it was what he wanted so I did my best to power through my feelings. I even tried to be really into it so I could convince myself that what was happening was okay. 

I told him I didn’t really want him to go and that I would miss him and I loved him and stuff but inside I was relieved when he was leaving. I wanted my privacy and my space and I wanted some distance. Things were fucking hard with him around and I needed to get back to work on myself. The whole week that he was here he joked about just never leaving. Like, just randomly staying here with me and dating me and stuff. Of course, again I was a lesbian and he knew this. But like...me not rejecting his advances made him believe that I was actually into guys and more specifically him and I wanted it too. 

So on the day when he was set to leave, he didn’t really pack or get anything ready because he had his mind made up. Part of me wonders if this was the plan from the start, I don’t know. But he basically announced that he was staying. The whole situation was so stressful and surreal that I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to unravel the threads and say ‘no, I’m still a lesbian, we’re still not dating and I still want to be here alone.’ so instead I was like ‘okay whatever,’ and went to take a shower. While I was in the shower he posted about it on facebook instead of telling anyone directly and then he abandoned his partner, all his friends, his family and everyone from his home. 

The first week it was exhausting but so surreal that he was living here that things seemed alright. The limited solace I had was my job at the mall where I could be aware and get some clarity. I tried to tell him that staying with me was only temporary and he could just move back when he was ready. I tried to help him get a job so he could pull his own weight (he didn’t I paid for everything. Even when he had a job, he mostly blew his money on meaningless stuff instead of helping me.)

It was a disaster and I was trapped. He constantly joked about cancelling me if we ever broke up, he constantly joked about tweeting out the ‘n-word’ on my account and ending my career. He constantly joked about publicly shaming me. When we were with friends, he would publicly shame me and when I started doing it back, he got really hurt so I stopped and just let him do it to me.

There’s so much more but my hands are tired. Not like it will make a difference. He’s a liar. He’s a fucking liar and manipulator. He is a sex pest. He repeatedly fucked me until I was bleeding and then we turn around and do it all again moments after I told him he needed to stop. He would tie me up and ridicule me. He demanded that I do that to him as well and I did only twice. The first time triggered my DID and my alter just wanted to kill herself. It scared me to fucking death. It scared me so bad that it happened that I could barely sleep and of course he used that as part of his call out. 

He openly tweeted about my ptsd and DID and used that to say I was a bad person when what I was every moment we were together was scared. Lina too. These people overran my life. They took over leaving me nearly no control. I was scared to death that they were going to hurt me and when I finally distanced myself from them and went off to have the life I actually wanted from the start, they took my career from me.

Since they tweeted about me being ‘an abuser’ I have lost over 1000 followers on twitter, 3000 subscribers and $600 on Patreon. I can barely pay for my life and they put that in jeopardy. I had a small savings for surgery that is now gone. I am still losing things every single fucking day. I’ve lost countless friends. No one checked on me or listened to what happened to me. I had to beckon the limited friends that would hear me, to tell them what happened. And naturally every time I post or say or do anything about this, I get an influx of people telling me I’m a liar and I’m actually the problem. Elliot’s friends from Washington have all tweeted threads about how I’m actually bad, but the truth is, I liked all of them. They were all super kind to me and I tried my best to be a good partner to Elliot in their eyes. 

The point is, I’m afraid to say any of this because I know for a fact they will retaliate. I don’t want that. I don’t want to deal with any back and forth or anything. I just want to return to my life and I’d like to stop losing everything and I’d like to be left the fuck alone. Every day since that post came out, I have had to explain myself to hundreds of people. It’s exhausting and enough is enough. I wasn’t going to say anything because I didn’t want to hurt Elliot or Lina. I still don’t. Give them their privacy and please respect mine. 

May

[dyscrasia-eucrasia]

Part 5

<<Prev | Next>>

Like every day, Angel woke up to an alarm at noon. And, like every day, he considered sleeping in. But he'd established that his Instagram stories started updating at 12:30, and he refused to break that routine. 

He dragged himself out of bed and over to the kitchen. He was in a bulking phase, which meant that at least he got to eat a lot of calories, but even then he had to check the notebook he kept next to the fridge to make sure he was hitting his macros. Breakfast wound up being oats made with peanut butter, greek yogurt, and protein powder. It was ugly to look at and nearly as bland, since there was no sugar to liven up the flavors. That was the sacrifice that he had to make for the sake of his physique - giving up basically everything that tasted good and living on a diet of peanut butter, chicken, and brown rice. 

After he finished choking down his breakfast, he had to take a minute to search his apartment for his wireless earbuds. He popped them in his ears, grabbed his phone, perched himself on the window sill, and proceeded to take a dozen selfies, all with slight variations, until he got the perfect one of himself turned just slightly towards the window, his earbuds clearly showing, the street outside visible but artistically blurry. It took him a few more minutes in Facetune to edit out the puffiness under his eyes and a blemish that was forming on his chin, not to mention lighten his skin and up the saturation of the blue dye in his hair. He needed a dye touch-up, but no one on Instagram needed to know that. 

It took him a few more minutes to craft his story post, carefully weighing the benefits of a filter that gave him dog ears and deciding how many emojis he wanted to use. 

Then of course there was the matter of what to say in the story. His first post of every day was a 'song of the day' post. It took him a minute to think of what song to use. Ultimately, he wound up writing: 'Listening to Bad Guy today! Love Billie Eilish!' and then took another minute to choose the exact font style, color, and positioning. 

He hadn't actually been listening to Billie Eilish. He liked her music, sure, but lately he had been on a nostalgic kick, listening to nu metal. But it wasn't #relatable to post about listening to Coal Chamber. How many people even remembered that the band existed? Certainly none of the e-boys that followed Angel's account. 

No, Angel's brand didn't work with a maligned, forgotten genre from the late 90s. He'd made a name for himself as goth-lite. Not really goth, but not an e-boy either. Rather, he was just a touch edgy, but still firmly in the mainstream gay community. 

All the more reason to keep Bacchus to himself. It was totally against his brand to go to shows with mosh pits. 

'Tell me what song you wanna see me pole dance to!' He added to the post, making a comment field for people to respond. Within seconds, answers started to pour in, mostly Top 40 sex jams. 

He spent a little longer scrolling through Instagram, commenting on videos from other dancers. Every comment was upbeat and encouraging, even if he thought their dancing was a bit shit. There was no room to be critical on social media. He had to treat everyone as if they were his best friend, even if he didn't know them. He was still building his following, and any drama could ruin that. 

His DMs were full, as usual. Most of them were thirst-DMs, a couple were shady sounding guys offering to be his manager. Nothing interesting enough to respond to. 

A notification popped up at the top of his screen from Grindr. He automatically tapped it to go to the app, only to be greeted with a blurry dick pic. He wasn't against dick pics, but they had to have a bit of effort put into them. This one was just lazy. The guy didn't even look like he was hard. 

He tapped the back button to look at the rest of his messages. A lot were dick pics. Some were asking for a hookup. One was a message from a guy he'd hooked up with a few days ago, saying that he had a nice time and asking if he wanted to get together again. 

The guy had been alright. A nice enough bodybuilder who had been surprisingly gentle and considerate during sex. But his personality had been as bland as the meal-prepped chicken sitting in Angel's fridge. Angel knew he could do better. But it never hurt to have the guy on-call as backup if he felt the need to get laid right away, so he snapped a selfie and sent it to him, with a short note that simply said, 'I had fun!' 

With that, he'd had enough social media, and it was almost time for his workout, anyways. 

Thirty minutes later, he met with his personal trainer. He paid a hefty fine for one of the best trainers in the city, someone he trusted to help him sculpt his physique without making comments about trying plastic surgery. His trainer was cute, nice, and painfully straight, which was something Angel had specifically looked for. He didn't want to be distracted by a guy who may or may not be interested in fucking. 

Like always, working out kicked his ass, and like always, he took a sweaty selfie in the locker room mirror with his shirt lifted to show his abs and posted it on his Instagram story. 

His day was far from over, though. He had to stop by the smoothie shop and take a photo of his smoothie - milk, whey powder, greens, banana, and peanut butter - and then go out and take photos around town until he found something that made it look like he was doing something interesting that day. He eventually found a corner of a building that had been tagged with a dozen Mothman stickers and snapped a selfie in front of it, captioned it 'Hanging out with my fellow spooky kids!' and posting it to his main Instagram. 

And then the boredom set in. He didn't really have anything planned for the day, and he still had plenty of time before he had to go to work. Sure, he could go home and put on some makeup and take artful thirst-trap selfies, but he'd done that so recently. He didn't want to make his Instagram nothing but thirst-traps - he had to make sure he was attractive to multiple types of brands if he ever wanted a sponsorship. 

The thing was, trying to be an Instagram star was lonely. He had friends, but they were either work colleagues - and thus rivals - or other micro-influencers. All their conversations were about collabs and SEO and ways to boost engagement. To outsiders he no doubt looked like he lived a lavish and incredibly fun lifestyle as a stripper, but they didn't see the day-to-day boredom or the awkwardness behind running into people who knew him from the club out in broad daylight. 

He wanted someone to talk to who wasn't a part of all that bullshit. 

Of course, as soon as he had that thought, he realized that he wanted to talk to Demie again. 

He wasn't sure if he should. He'd just called him that morning, after all. 

It wasn't that he was worried about coming off as desperate, but more that he was worried about scaring Demie off. He was absolutely certain that Demie was gay, but he was also sure that Demie was a country boy, and country gays were different from city gays. Country boys had such an endearing gee-shucks quality about them, like they were trying so hard to be beer-drinkin', truck-drivin' bros, but they were just a little too soft-spoken and shy for that. 

Demie - from what Angel could tell - was a guy who wanted to be cool to other men but who was also painfully nervous around them. 

It was absolutely adorable, and Angel wanted so badly to get him into bed. 

But getting that kind of guy into bed was a challenge. It was like hunting a deer. Move too fast or too loudly, and he'd run off into the woods. 

Or so Angel assumed. He'd never actually gone hunting. That was too much a white person thing to do. 

Fuck it, he decided. Demie was the first real connection he'd made in a long time. And it wasn't like he was asking for a hookup. He just wanted to talk. 

He settled onto a bench where he could still see the Mothman stickers and dialed Demie's number. The phone rang with no answer. No shit, it was a Monday afternoon. People with normal 9 to 5s worked at that time. 

Well, at least he could leave a message and give Demie his number. He realized he'd never actually told Demie how to contact him. 

Eventually the answering machine picked up. "You've reached Demie and Elaine," Demie's voice said. "If you're trying to sell us something we don't fucking want it. If you're trying to get on our property, we have guns and we're not afraid to fucking use them. Bye." 

"Wow, your answering machine is pretty aggro," Angel said. "This is Angel, but the way. I realized I didn't give you my number. So, y'know, just in case you want to get in touch…" 

He left his number and hung up. He sat staring at the Mothman stickers a little longer. He kind of wanted to send a picture of them to Demie, since Demie in a way reminded him of a cryptid - shy and kind of elusive. But of course, he couldn't, since Demie didn't have a cellphone. Still, he took a non-selfie picture of them anyways. Just in case he got to hang out with Demie sometime.

[xxwritemeastoryxx]

Fear Not

Author: xxwritemeastoryxx

Pairings: Klaus Mikaelson x Reader, Mikaelsons x Reader

Requested by: @hi-my-name-is-riley - I just found your account and I LOVE your work!!! I’m getting stomach surgery soon and I’m nervous, I was wondering if you could please write a super fluffy/comforting fic with the mikaelson siblings comforting the reader before surgery? And can the reader please be in a relationship with Klaus? It would mean a lot! Thank you x💜

Word Count: 1K

Warnings: Being nervous for a medical procedure, that’s about it in this one. 

Author’s Note: Any surgery is scary, I remember the nerves I felt about the surgery I had. At the time it had just been myself and my mom. The best way she calmed my ever crazy nerves was by getting me to laugh. I do hope your surgery goes well. I hope you are surrounded by loved ones up until its time and the nerves vanish as much as possible! I also hope you have a speedy recovery! 

Your nerves were everywhere. It was normal to feel nervous before any medical procedure, but you felt like your nerves had taken a mind of their own. It didn't help that those nerves were currently fueling the 'what ifs' currently playing though your head. If anything, your nerves were at its worse since your scheduled surgery was only moments away.

"Relax, Love." Klaus's voice filled your ears. "I can practically hear the thoughts being created in that head of yours."

With all the thinking you had just been doing, you had forgotten the few people sitting in the room with you. Klaus's voice had actually caused you to jump slightly as you turned to look at him. A small chuckle left Klaus as he grabbed a hold of your hand and squeezed gently.

"It's going to be fine, love." Klaus said reassuringly as he leaned forward and placed a kiss to your cheek.

A smile formed on your lips as he had done so. It was a momentary distraction from the nerves. "I'm freaking out slightly." You admitted with a nod of your head. "What if something goes wrong?"

"If that is what you believe, I will gladly take you out of this place this instant." Klaus offered even though he knew this was something you needed to go through with.

"You are working yourself up over nothing." Rebekah noted from her seat at the foot of your hospital bed. "Though why you'd rather go through the medical route than some good old fashioned vampire blood still surprises me."

"We talked about this Bex." You said with a small smile pulling at your lips. Even though you had been thrown into the world of the supernatural by accident, you still wanted to live through a lot more human moments. And if a surgery such as this one wasn't mundane enough, you don't know what else is.

Rebekah rolled her eyes playfully. "I know. If anything, I'm actually the sibling that understands this a lot more than the others." She wasn't lying. Rebekah always helped you indulge in the more human moments when Klaus couldn't be there in that moment or it was more of a girl bonding thing.

The fact that you were with Klaus Mikaelson still amazed you. Even now as he sat there beside your hospital bed, putting everything else on the back burner to sit with you had been something you never expected to see. He had made it clear from the moment you had checked in that he wasn't going to be leaving your side. There could be a faction plotting against him and in that moment he didn't care.

The sound of several helium balloons hitting the entryway to the room had caused you all to look towards the door. Kol had several balloons wrapped around the palm of his hand, that looked like it belonged in a carnival with how many he had, while carrying an over sized teddy bear that he clearly couldn't see past.

"I brought these for when Y/N gets outs of surgery her room can be filled with these." The words had caused you to laugh seeing him.

"She hasn't gone into surgery yet, you idiot." Rebekah said as she stood up to help her brother with the items.

"She's not?" Kol asked as he handed Rebekah the bear. His head turned towards the bed seeing you laying there. "Well um, surprise than?"

Another laugh passed your lips and you couldn't help but shake your head. "I love it Kol." You said with a smile. "These will be nice to see once I return to the room."

Elijah had followed behind the trail of Balloons that had continued to make its way into the room as Kol moved to the back corner of the room. There was annoyed look on his face at the mess his brother had brought in before coming to stand next the bed.

"How are you feeling?" He asked giving you a small smile.

"You mean besides a nervous mess?" You asked with a chuckle.

"Has my brother already offered to take you away against medical advice?" There was humor in his question that caused you and Rebekah to laugh while Klaus scoffed.

"Yes and I've already declined twice." You noted as you looked over and gave Klaus a smile.

"Now the better question is has he left your side to compel the staff?" Kol asked as finished tying the balloons onto the leg of a table.

"No," you chuckled. "But he has been hovering over the staff when they come in to check on me."

"Is it such a crime that I want to make sure you have the best care?" Klaus asked with a slight pout. If he could have, he would have compelled every doctor to be in the operating room just to be sure that things went as smoothly as needed.

A knock on the door followed by a 'woah' had caused all of you to turn your attention towards the door. The doctor stood there looking at the balloons.

"Now that is the most I've seen in a hospital room." He noted out loud before turning his attention towards you. "I can feel the support in this room."

"The best support system I got." You said with a smile as your hand tightened around Klaus's hand.

"Well, its time to get you prepped. The OR is ready for you." The doctor said with a nod just as a few nurses came in to get your bed ready for moving.

"I'll be by your side the moment you get out." Klaus said as he stood up. He leaned down and kissed you softly.

"If you aren't I'm having Elijah kick your ass." That had everyone in the room laughing.

"That'd be my entertainment." Elijah said with a smirk.

"I'd like to see you try." Klaus said with a roll of his eyes.

You shook your head slightly as you began to feel the bed move. It was because of the people in that room that the nerves that had been going crazy earlier had died down. While there were some nerves, you knew you'd be okay.

You definitely looked forward to hearing the stories the Mikaelsons would be saying about Klaus during your time away.

Always & Forever Tag: @rissyrapp20 @taylordrunkonwhiskey @thewolf-and-thesheep @wayward-dan @neeadinghugs @hawaiianohana15 @fafulous @vibhati123 @cassienoble2000 @kenmen02 @elizamonet @dora-the-grownup

Hybrid Tag: @xxsoveriegnsarayaxx

Bold tags mean for one reason or another I cannot tag you in this. Bold tags will be removed the first of July. If you would like to be added to, or taken off, please let me know. ♥♥♥

[evien-stark]

✧I Need You✧ Chapter 80

Once the adrenaline faded, the last shock of the night- Rhodey walking up with a nervous President Ellis- was enough to spike what was left in your system. You practically collapsed in his arms as you hugged him tight. Glad to see him. Happy to know he’d been with Tony through most of this. And then that glow that had been consuming you from the start seemed to burst, and with it went most of your energy. 

Things became a little bit of a blur after that. You just remembered feeling hot. Too hot. Sweating profusely. Rooms shaking. A whisper of a cold breeze that left too soon. Too many voices speaking just above you. Hands touching you. Poking. Prodding. Lovingly caressing- 

Ah, that was always Tony. Even in your hazy state, you felt him. And more than once you heard him, not just speaking to you, but speaking to you. In that way only he could. You’re alright honey. You’re gonna be alright. I love you… 

His voice reassuring you, hypothetically holding your hand until the next time consciousness actually returned. The room was soothingly dark, not overly so. And you weren’t alone. Turning your head, the first thing you saw was an IV in your arm, steady drip- a spike of panic touched your awareness- because the last time you’d been hooked up to something like that-

“Hey, there she is.” A warmly familiar voice put your fears at bay, and you looked up to see Bruce, turning half away from a screen, tablet in hand. He slipped his glasses off his nose, putting them in his shirt pocket. “How are you feeling?” 

For a moment you had no idea how to answer that. “I’m okay… I think…” Sure, why not. You didn’t currently feel like you were in immediate danger- or pain, which was nice. “What are you doing?” 

“Checking your levels. Most of it is out of your system by now, I was just making sure things are on the straight and narrow.” Moving, he took a seat on the side of your bed. Lifting his hand, he placed the back of it gingerly on your forehead. 

You gave him a curious look. “As far as I know you aren’t that kind of doctor.” Smiling lightly at him.

He took the jab with relative ease, smiling right on back. “I’m not. But I can make do.” Patting your forehead once, he returned his attention back to his tablet, making a few scribbles on it with his pointer finger. “You’ve had a hell of a fever for the past couple of weeks… spiked more than once... but I think you’re out of the woods now.” 

“Weeks?” You felt your voice weakening at that. “But… I’m fixed now, right?”

“I told you.” Tony’s voice entered the room as the door opened. He came in, rolling up his sleeves, dressed in a handsome white button up shirt and black vest complimented with a purple tie. “That’s what I do.” Bruce moved to allow him to sit next to you on the bed, setting a hand on the back of your head and easing you closer to press a kiss to your forehead. “How are you feeling, honey? All good news, I’m sure.” 

You practically melted into him, eyes closing. “You look so nice… dressing up just for me?” Unintentionally avoiding his question. 

He sat back, hand sliding to cup your cheek in his palm. His grin was sure. “Not entirely. Somebody’s gotta do work around here.” 

“Usually that’s me.” Teasing right on back. 

“Yeah. Well, I guess I don’t mind, while you’re still under the weather. We have a new initiative going on.” 

Shifting, you rested your head against his shoulder. “Tell me about it…” 

His arm came around your shoulder, and you noticed Bruce slipping out of the room to give the both of you some privacy. Tony’s hand spread out as he labeled his proud moment, “It’s called Maimed by AIM- with a question mark.” 

A dissatisfied noise escaped you. “Maybe you should have waited for me to come to…” 

“Don’t like it? I thought it was catchy.” 

“Are there still people left? That Killian hurt?” Used. Abused. Maybe there were some out there… that hadn’t bought in to the Mandarin nonsense. Maya had been talking about that. Briefly, in the time that you knew her…

“Yeah…” His voice got quieter. “Seems Maya had a dead-man’s switch in the event of her death. All her research, all the information of their test subjects, the families… it all got transferred to the Stark Industries’ servers a week back. I thought I may as well try and clean up where I can. Now that I have the answer they were so desperately looking for.” 

“Maya is-” 

“Yeah.” The arm around you squeezed you tighter. “I watched Killian put a bullet through her. When she decided she’d seen enough.” 

Though it was small, the bloom of sorrow was impossible to miss. You moved your hand up over his chest, and snuggled closer. “I’m sorry, Tony.” 

“Couldn’t do anything about it.” His free hand rose, holding over yours. “Doesn’t matter now. All I can do is try to fix what she wanted me to fix.” 

“Did she have family?”

“I already made arrangements. Funeral was a few days ago. There was uh… a lot of red tape.” 

You felt like you were so far behind. “Did you go?”

“Not invited. As I’m sure you can imagine.” He didn’t allow a lot of time to marinate in this. Clearly wanting to move past it. He drew a quick breath in. “Anyway. Tell me. Honestly. How are you feeling?” 

“I don’t know…” Murmuring, as you closed your eyes. Almost like one of his machines, initiating a self check of some kind. How did you feel? “Tired, I guess. Groggy, but… I think everything’s okay.” It should be, right? If you’d spent two solid weeks in bed sweating out this stuff? 

“You’re really sure?” But him asking this again made you wonder. Were you okay? 

It occurred to you what he may have been getting at. Maybe he could fix regular people that had been injected with this stuff. But hadn’t Killian been going on and on and on about something… you dropped down into that space that should have been dark. Because that’s how you always remembered it. But now… it was still alight. Aglow. Orange sky above you. 

Instantly you knew. You were in one of the upper levels of Stark Tower. There were currently two thousand or so people in the building- and… so many… in New York City… for a moment almost a million voices rushed by your ears, causing you to sit away, put your hands over them, and force your eyes open. The calming low-light of your room found you again. “I’m not- ...I thought you said you-” No, no. This wasn’t his fault. You couldn’t blame him. He was standing again, when you looked at him, standing where Bruce had been at that screen by your bedside. “That stuff is still in me?” That had to be it, right? 

His hands were a flurry of motion, opening windows, typing things. “No- ...by all accounts you’re completely flush. ...there were- ...Maya’s notes, on you… pretty sensitive stuff. I can account for the physical reaction, for the most part. But…” 

But there was something about you that he just couldn’t fix. Because how could you fix a-... “You can’t fix the thing.” Eyes lowering. 

“That’s what’s wrong?” He took a seat by your side again. “Talk to me.” 

Did it matter? He couldn’t fix it. It was going to be like this forever now. But, when he put his hand over yours… you remembered you were not so alone. And keeping all of this bottled up, hadn’t that been what had gotten the two of you in trouble in the first place? “When I want to… I guess- like- super concentrate the thing- I go to this space. I don’t know how to describe it. But the floor is covered in water. And usually- usually I could only see one person. The person I was concentrating on. And it was dark in there. Just me. And them. And whatever they were feeling. But now… now it’s like it’s supercharged. I can see too many people. And it’s not dark anymore. It’s so bright.” Oddly finding some catharsis to letting yourself talk. 

So when he didn’t interrupt, you continued, laying your head on his shoulder. Closing your eyes, but not going. Basking in the darkness behind your lids. “When he put that stuff in me- Extremis- I think I really did burn up… and I tried to drop into that space to- I don’t know- make the guards help me or something- but it just all lit up. Like it was on fire, too. And now it’s still that way. And I’m sorry- this probably isn’t making any sense.” 

You felt him shrug. “Makes sense to you.” Then he drew a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Superpowers are not really my forte. Not those kinds. I wouldn’t even know where to begin- doesn’t mean I wouldn’t try- but…” But how on earth could he even begin to imagine cooking up a solution to a problem he couldn’t physically understand? Literally. So far beyond him. Something science couldn’t make sense of. Injecting a super serum into someone’s body? Great. He could work with that. 

Talking about warping emotions and some dark-bright space where somebody’s- … essence? - wandered around? Yeah. He had no idea what to do with that. And you couldn’t fault him for it. So, you decided, “I’ll be okay.” And when you heard the murmur of discouragement from him, you cut him off, shifting to just look at him. “Really, Tony. I’ll figure it out. It’s not life threatening- that I know of- don’t make that face at me-” Because he was giving you one hell of a dry look. “I just have to get used to it, I guess.” You didn’t always even have that space. Coulson helped you unlock it. Maybe you should talk to him about it… 

“I have to take your word on this one. But. If it gets better or worse. Both. Either. Neither. I wanna know about it.” Because he wanted to keep track. Check up on you. Make sure you were doing okay. And after having communication shut down for so long… what a relief that thought was. 

Leaning in again, you rested your forehead against his, and lifted your hand to his chest. Although his current clothes were killing the light from the Arc Reactor, you felt its faint shape underneath. “No surgery yet?” 

“Like I was gonna go have- let’s be honest- pretty intense open heart surgery while you were laid up. Please. I have more courtesy than that.” His smile was wry. “One of us needs to be full capacity at a time to take care of the other.” Duh. 

At this, and the teasing after thought, you couldn’t help a little giggle. But it died down, and you found yourself just looking at him. “When, then?” 

“Whenever I’m ready. Doctor I met at- wouldn’t you know it- that same science convention in Switzerland. Seems like everybody I met that one night is suddenly important. You believe in coincidences?” Among the massive amount of sarcasm, there was a flutter of sorrow here. And you waited for him to continue. “Friend of Yinsen’s, actually. Took a few days to put a name to that blurry face.” Quieter still, “And realized I’d even met him that night.” He sniffed a breath in, moving past it. “Luckily for me, turns out he called the house. Before it blew up.” 

While just about every part of you wanted to ask what that was about- you didn’t want to give him too much opportunity to slip away. The fact was, they’d connected. And apparently now whenever he decided the time was right… “Are you ready?” Asking him as gently as possible, hand reaching up to touch over the side of his face. 

“Tech’s there. I developed a high powered energy magnetizer that’ll assist with the removal and keep the shrapnel at bay while the Arc’s not in my chest and I’m under.” But he was nervous and scared. Because that’s how a reasonable person would feel. If the surgeon didn’t perform right, or he missed a one or a zero somewhere, or … or anything-

“It’s okay if you’re not ready, Tony. It’s not now or never. This can wait.” Trying to just let him know that you understood. You very much understood his fear. 

“I’m done waiting.” It surprised you, how strong he said this, paired with the determined look in his eyes. His hand rose up, holding yours over his cheek. “I’m ready to move on.” 

So this this, you could only step beside him, and follow him wherever this led. “Okay. So we’ll move on.” Together. “What’s the recovery time look like?” 

Finally he smiled again. “I think, all things considered, I should be fine to take you on a date for Valentine’s.” 

“You’re thinking about that now?” He was such a goof sometimes. But that did pose an interesting question. “What day is it even?” How long did they say you were out again? 

His arms came around you then, with an appropriately tight squeeze. “January seventh. Honey, I’m sorry to say, the new year came and went without you. I promise I did very little partying to start 2013 off.” 

Your arms wrapped around his middle, burying your face in the crook of his neck. “What a change for you.” 

“Which is why I’m looking forward to Valentine’s.” 

“We’ll see.” 

                                                    --------

Things happened almost too fast after that. The rest of the night you drifted in the comfortable presence of Tony, who had settled on the bed with you, although his fingers seemed to never stop moving atop his laptop keyboard. The next morning, as he confirmed appointment after appointment, you worried he was speeding along this process for fear if he put a stop to it in any way now, he may never do it. 

It was hard to know what to make of that. But that very next afternoon you were shaking hands with Dr. Wu and his assistant Jiayi. Fine people, really. You didn’t get any terrible feelings from either of them. Which was important, for sure, but… 

This done waiting attitude may have been more harmful than helpful. But if he wanted to go then what choice did you have but to follow him? So, the appointment was made. And it was a done deal. You put your current energies into make sure he was comfortable, that his room was secure, air tight, and private. And that none of this leaked to the press. This was not meant for them. Not yet. If ever. 

Rhodey met up with you that evening, and you spent perhaps too long a time giving him a squeezing hug. And also apologizing for practically- probably- scaring the living daylights out of him the last time the two of you were together. And while the room was being prepped for surgery- same as Tony- you and Rhodey stood outside, gazing in the observation window. You weren’t exactly sure you were strong enough for this, to watch this- but… 

“He’s ready to go, huh?” Rhodey crossed his arms. 

You gave a weak shrug, as they wheeled him in and started wiring him up to machines. “He said he didn’t want to wait any longer.” 

“I’ll say. Twenty seconds after you return to the land of the living- no offense-” Holding a hand up briefly to you before recrossing his arms, “-he’s going under. Was this something you two talked about before?” 

He was probing. Looking for something. It put an unease in your heart. “You worried?” 

“When am I not? Who knows with him. He acts out when he’s stressed. I just wanna make sure a life changing surgery isn’t gonna be a major regret.” As always, heart in the right place. 

You lowered your eyes as they brought in the anesthesia. “We talked about it. Very briefly. He made consultation appointments for himself. But it all kinda got put on the backburner.” 

“Yeah. I get it. Seems like we’re forefront now, though.” 

In the room, Tony gave you a thumbs up, and you put your hands to the glass in the shape of a heart. Perhaps a little too cliche, considering what was about to happen. But you were sure you saw the corners of his lips lift up around the mask. You felt Rhodey put his arm around you, and only realized then you were shivering. “We’re gonna be okay.” Even your voice was wobbly. 

There just wasn’t enough time to process this. Rhodey pulled you closer to him. “We’ll be okay.” 

The surgery took a grueling five and a half hours. Dr. Wu was probably the best- and only- person for the job. He was careful. Meticulous. Each piece of shrapnel extracted took a long time, as you were sure he was making sure he did everything precisely. Some of it was hard to watch. Like the beginning. And somewhere in the middle you were glad there were just too many doctors in the room standing on the side of his table blocking your view. 

Rhodey took to pacing, but never left. Which was good. It was very nice to have a shoulder to literally lean on every now and again. But where you thought five and a half hours was the longest amount of time you’d ever spent doing anything in your life, it then seemed all too short as Dr. Wu starting sewing him up. It was over? Just like that? Just like that. 

Just like that. You were almost left in a state of shock as they wheeled him out of the room. Rhodey had to shake you a little. “You okay?” 

“He’s lived with that shit in his chest for almost five years- I think-” Time was a little beyond you at the moment. “And now it’s just- gone. Done. Finished. Over.” 

“And this is… a good thing, right?” He had his arms half crossed, one hand sitting just over his mouth as he watched you. “Are we on the same page here?” 

“I just… can’t believe it. It’s hard to believe. You understand, right?” Turning away from the window, the now empty room, looking back at him. 

You found relief when he nodded. “Yeah. I get it. I think we’ll all have to work on believing it together.” 

His hand reached out to take hold of yours, leading you finally out of that wing and upstairs into the room where Tony was getting situated. Still out cold. Probably would be for a while. And, in fact, was. So long a time that eventually Rhodey gave you a pat on the shoulder and told you he needed to head out. That was fine. He had other things to do. You understood. 

So you waited. And tried not to look at the bandages peeking out beyond the neck of the hospital gown he was wearing. Though you did. More than once. Dr. Wu came in eventually to debrief you. You took everything to heart. All his instructions. The details. The important things. And then… he got a hug, too. Even though he didn’t seem like he enjoyed it that much. But that was okay. 

It was when he left, and that you sat down again, that you saw Tony groggily opening his eyes. Leaning over, you brushed some of the stray bangs away from his forehead. “Hey, handsome…” 

His smile was one of relief. “Hey yourself…” Voice a low murmur. “Still here?” 

Laying your hand over his on the bed, “You’re still with us. Everything went perfect.” 

Closing his eyes, he huffed out a noise. “I meant you… if you’ve got other things to do…” 

“Nothing more important than you.” 

“Can’t argue with you there.” It was easy to tell how foggy he was. Not up to his normal speed. Which you imagined must have been frustrating for him. Because in the next breath, “When we gettin’ outta here?” 

“Give yourself a little while, Tony. You just had serious surgery. And, by the way, even when we go home, you’re not allowed to like- even put your arms above your head for the next four-to-six weeks.” Already starting in with the list of important things to know from the doctor. 

He scoffed. “Back in that cave I was building a suit almost immediately after-” 

“Well I don’t care about what went on in strange caves after forced surgery and while you were under duress. Here and now you’re taking it easy. Got it?” Laying down the law. And that was that.

He stared at you, eyes a little glassy, half-lidded. And then a beautiful loopy grin appeared on his face as his eyes closed all the way again. “Yes, ma’am… your way or the highway…” He sounded like he was drifting, as he let his head fall to the side. You sat forward to brush his hair back again and he murmured out a soft pleased noise. His hand turned over, taking hold of yours. “Thanks… for staying…” 

Leaning in, you pressed a delicate lingering kiss to his temple. “Just relax, Tony. Rest. I’m here. I’ve got you.” 

“Got you first.” Through his daze, he got this out pretty quick. 

You smiled, nuzzling that spot at his temple. “We can debate about it later.” 

“I love you.” He was on his way out. I love you, too. 

                                                    ----

You really did make sure to law down the law and make sure he took his time with recover. When he was ready to go home- ...well… not home, which was already a pain, but the Avengers Tower would do, as the penthouse basically acted as your second home- now primary- but, when he was ready, you made sure to take him yourself. Loaded him into the car yourself. Drove him yourself. Took him upstairs yourself- and put him to bed, yourself. 

There was a lot of that, in the coming weeks. But you didn’t mind. It was easy work. Making sure he rested, and when he was back on his feet, making sure he didn’t do anything crazy. “I’ll do all the heavy lifting. Literally, lifting of heavy things.” Unable to help getting in a few sassy snarks here and there. He seemed to appreciate them, anyway. 

In true Tony fashion, he was unable to sit still. And even doing normal things was taking a toll on him. It eventually led to the both of you heading down to the labs. But you made sure to be his hands and arms, and found some strange pleasure as he guided you through building what were essentially non-essential things. Not that he didn’t trust you, you were sure. But probably just getting the tizzy out of his brain by going from one easy thing to the next to the next to the next… 

As February rolled in, he really did seem to be doing much better. And the few check-ins from Dr. Wu suggested he was making excellent progress. And as the second week dawned, you caught Tony more than once giving you thoughtful glances, that eventually turned into, “So. Valentine’s?” 

An offer you were having trouble refusing. Even if you made a show of being slightly off put by the idea, a small sigh escaping you. Aside taking him, there of course was always work to do. “You really have something in mind?” 

“I do. So I’d appreciate it if you could just take one night off. I don’t think I’m asking too much, really.” Playing at being offended as much as you were playing unsure. He came around your desk as you were humming in long mock thought, putting his arms around your shoulders from behind. “You’re gonna make me beg? I’m not above begging. Just say the word.” 

A playful roll of your eyes came next as you gave in. “Oh… alright. Valentine’s. What should I wear?” 

He pressed a kiss to your cheek and, immediately after gaining your approval, seemed to be on his way out. Like he’d completed his mission and risked blowing it by staying any longer. “Something classy. I’m gonna take you out.” 

“Hey- before you go- we have to go back to the… site in Malibu- and collect whatever’s left-” A task you’d been trying to keep him on track for for a little while now. Now that he could handle it. 

But he just waved you off. “We’ll talk about it after.” 

One more thing to put away for now. Couldn’t have everything. 

But a night out? Suddenly seemed like a thing you weren’t sure how you lived without. Something classy really wasn’t saying much. But knowing Tony’s inclinations… you decided on a slinky black dress, which somehow matched his all white suit. It was a good look on him, you had to admit. Really, though, you wondered what had gotten into him. 

The entire night he looked at you like you were the only person on planet earth that mattered, and for one reason or another, it flustered you. He was just emanating love from every pore. So much that you may have been drowning in it. He took you to a fancy restaurant for dinner. And then an even fancier and more exclusive one for dessert. But it wasn’t the food or the locations that were important. 

It was him. And the two of you. And it hardly mattered that paparazzi were being quarantined by Stark security on the opposite side of the street everywhere you two went, or that people around you were looking around and trying to sneak pictures… you understood, really, why he was looking at you the way he had been. It wasn’t because you really were the only person in the universe. 

But to him you were the most important one. For sure. And on a night like tonight, you’d never questioned it less. Maybe near death experiences did that to a person. Maybe he felt more alive than ever. It was hard to say. 

After dessert he strangely took you back to the Tower, and led you hand in hand for a slow dance on the desk, as fireworks bloomed in the night sky behind you. Just as you laid your head on his shoulder, he spoke up. “I uh… at the risk of being overly cheesy, I got you something. I think that’s standard protocol, right. Gift on Valentine’s day.” 

You couldn’t hide your smile if you tried. “I didn’t get you anything.” 

“You’re enough.” Smiling as the two of you gazed at one another. But he seemed a little anxious. “Anyway- here- uh-” Reaching into his suit jacket pocket, he pulled out a long, thin black velvet box. “Turn around.” 

“Jewelry on Valentine’s day. You are going for cheesy.” Teasing him only in the most harmless way possible. Obeying his request after that. You heard the lid creak open, and the tinkly sounds of a chain and some other metal… your eyes closed briefly, lulled by a warm thrum that appeared while his fingers brushed the sides of your neck as he laid the necklace over your skin. Once you heard the clasp close, you reached up to touch your hands over it- feeling a heart pendant, small but no doubt encrusted with something expensive. But on the sides- 

...all along the sides of the chain, there were these… soft yet edged pieces of… something. Something. And almost immediately, for one reason or another, you knew what they were. “Tony-”

His voice was warm in your ear, “Our future started here.” 

As if you needed more confirmation. Half turning to cast quite a look at him- “Tony these are-” 

“Technically speaking- pieces of my heart- yes-” 

“Pieces of shrapnel from a bomb that almost killed you-”

He held a hand up, palming the side of your face. “Now, honey, you can’t say I never gave you anything nice. Or personal.” 

Sitting pretty around your neck were pieces of metal that had been literally sitting in his heart for years- and that had been extracted only five or so weeks ago in a surgery meant to heal him. And now… now he was gifting them to you. Like a sentimental piece of art. How were you supposed to handle that…? 

Evidently, with a crack of a smile, and a reach of your arms up to wrap them loosely around his neck, drawing him closer. “I love it. And you. You’re so weird and dramatic sometimes. You know that?” 

His head craned back, not lulled in, arching a brow. “How is that dramatic?” And at this you mirrored the look he was giving you. The mutual eye brow raising went on for maybe ten seconds more before laughter bubbled up from him, and his hands came to settle on your hips, bringing you in as close as he could get you. “Oh- I’m very sorry- Ms. Our Future Started Here. What was that about glass houses and stones again?” 

Giggles were all too soon leaking out of you. Maybe you two deserved each other. It was right. He was right. Laying your head on his shoulder, as the two of you swayed, “At least I can say I own a Tony Stark original.” 

“I mean. You own a Tony Stark. But if the jewelry thing is what really does it for you…” 

“I own the Tony Stark, thank you.” Only one. Only one man in the world like him. Only one man in the universe that was him. And you were forever grateful. 

His arms lifted, and you felt a slice of worry, but it dissolved as he wound them around your shoulders as yours dropped to wind around his middle, laying his head atop yours. Having no trouble at all. Your eyes closed. “I love you.” 

“I love you, too. Thank you… for the necklace. For tonight. ...for everything.” Was this an appropriate time to start spilling all that out? You were sure he knew, but… it never hurt. 

“If we’re about to start throwing out gratitudes, you’re gonna be out here all night listening to me go on.” Serving it right back to you. “Let’s just keep it simple, shall we?” 

“Mn.” Agreeing in a murmur. “We shall.” 

So, instead, in the way only he and you could, 

I love you. You let him know again. And in a space that contrasted the night you were sharing, bright as you went to him, and sort of just… laid your head on his shoulder there, too. Close as two people could be, you imagined. In whatever that was. You put your hand over his heart, and heard him inhale just somewhere over you. 

His voice returned to you, full, flush, and warm. I love you, too. 

For a brief moment the two of you not only existed together, but all together too fleeting, you seemed to share a space. And his heartbeat fell in line with yours. 

A night had never been so perfect. 

[thegrumpygroomer]

The New Groomer’s Guide

Hello! If you’re following this account, I’m assuming you’re either already a groomer or interested in becoming one. And for both, I’d like to say: Welcome! For today’s post, I would like to pass on the knowledge I gained and kinda wished I could’ve figured out earlier. Many of you might go “yeah, duh” to a lot of this shit. Other’s might go “haha, yeah.” Hope you get something out of this either way.

1) It’s more than just ‘playing with puppies’- In this sense, I was kinda lucky. In my interview, my boss actually leveled with me and said “look, this job isn’t glamorous. It’s not about playing with puppies and having a good time. We clean dog assholes for a living.” That always stuck with me.

I’ve met some newbies that clearly didn’t get the same talking to as me. Or they thought it was fewer dog assholes and more puppies.

Either way, you learn quickly whether or not you want this just by that.

2) You will get bit- You’ll start out being wary of some dogs. Typically, those are the ones you should worry about least. I don’t know if you’ll ever get bit bad enough to make you bleed, but I’m talking from my own first and second-hand experience. I’ve seen some of the best groomers who’ve been doing it for far longer than me, stride out of the back with a bleeding hand. Sometimes it can’t be avoided because them motherfucker’s quick.

On the bright side, you can see it as training for a zombie apocalypse. No bitch-ass dead bitch gonna get you when Fido already taught you how to stay away from teeth.

3) Get a good pair of tweezers- This is something just about everyone forgets to tell you directly. Hair splinters are a BITCH. I have about twenty little shits permanently infused into the side of my pinky finger. They get to stay put for now because they didn’t cause any pain and alert me to their presence. To me, the ones on the palm are the worst. Especially the little white ones.

You will have a very intimate relationship with tweezers. One of those tiny magnifying glasses might help too.

4) Maybe get yourself a face mask and goggles too- Hair. It’ll be everywhere. There will be days you’ll walk out from drying your dog and your hair will have a new layer to it. You’ll find it hard to breathe then blow your nose and find out that husky from a week ago is still lodged in your nasal cavity. It’ll spiderweb all over your eyes. So, protect yourself so you can breathe and see.

Also, nail dust is a thing so the mask can be used again.

5) You’ll make a dog bleed- This is a very sad reality of grooming. But, there will come a time when you’ll draw blood. Maybe it’ll be a nicked paw pad, maybe your blade caught a scab. Most likely, it’ll be cutting a nail too short. No matter what, you’ll probably have a similar reaction to both me and a few people I trained.

You’ll cry and be afraid of doing it again. You might even react more than the dog you think is bleeding to death. It’s going to be okay; you’re going to get through it. It’s probably the crappiest part of the job but it is still a thing to prepare for. But, if you want this, you’ll have to get up from the floor where you passed out and learn all the steps to take to keep this from happening again.

And a better way of reacting if it does. Can’t have groomers always passing out.

6) You’ll gain breed prejudice- Huskies and German Shepherds? Get the fuck out of here. Yorkies? Those little shits better calm down! Border collies? Dude needs to take an ambient or something. Pit bulls? Fuck yeah! Always room for a pit bull bath!

You might think it’ll be obvious. Of course, you’ll love one type of dog over another. It’s not. Not at all. I’m more wary of a Pomeranian than I’ve ever been of a dog that comes up to my hip and I was attacked by a Shepard mix when I was seven.

This one’s pretty cut and dry. Hate some breeds, love others. There’s no telling what direction it’ll go.

You’ll never wanna do a pug nail trim though. That’s pretty universal.

7) Your tolerance levels are gonna change dramatically- When you do get a puppy, it’s both the best and the worst. Because, holy hell those little shits are adorable. But also, holy fuck this dog has never done this before and is scared shitless of everything! Puppies take practice and patience. A whole shitload of it. And that’ll be where your tolerance level should skyrocket. Remember, it’s a baby. It doesn’t know any better. (this should also hold true for any first timers and older dogs. Or just straight up nervous animals)

Now let’s talk about where tolerance will have the opposite effect: people.

Many will still have the whole “customer is always right” philosophy. Unfortunately, this is one of those places where that simply is not true. If you neglect to brush your dog? He gets a shave down rather than a light trim. You wanna shave you’re golden retriever because she’s shedding? That’s not how things work, ya dumbass!

I lost count of how many times I wanted to tell someone to do their fucking research before buying an animal. I didn’t get into this job to torture dogs.

It often helps to think that maybe this owner doesn’t know better. But, when you know for a fact they should know better, then you’re just going into the back to slam your head against the wall for a little while.

Also, those are the people who will usually become your request clients. So, you’ll have plenty of time trying to explain this shit to them. Enjoy!

8) You’ll be blamed for dumb things- The other day someone called to blame a groomer for giving a dog a mole. Not nicking a mole, GIVING him a mole. As if she had some kind of lame superpower to add something that usually takes forever to develop. Another time, I was accused of not giving a dog a bath because he went home and, the next day, “smelled like a dog.”

I don’t know why some people feel the need to do this. Maybe they lost touch with what it’s like to be a person with emotions. Maybe they think these are the best ways to get free things. Maybe their lives are just so miserable they need an outlet to dump all their crap. And what better scapegoat than a person in retail/service? You know, the one you just paid to get literally shat on?

(little gross extra for you: you will clean up shit. Sometimes, you’ll find it in your pocket. Don’t wear nice clothes to work…)

9) You’ll be in pain, like, 80% of the time- That’s a low ball too. I’m not a person who likes to be touched anymore than necessary. I don’t really hug unless I know you pretty well. I really like my personal space and strangers should never be in it.

But I would kill for a good back massage right about now.

If I could look into the future when I was in high school and saw this life, I would’ve done better in P.E. to prepare for it. I’m naturally a pretty strong person. I can lift some pretty heavy dogs without much of an issue. Even so, there are times my body screams at me for it. My main reason for wanting to go back to the gym is for upper body strength.

And then there’s carpal tunnel. It’ll be a bitch and you may need surgery down the line if you’re not careful. Just something to keep in mind.

Aches and pains will be a normal part of your day. Just think of them as a reminder that you are alive, I guess.

Now, I know you’re thinking that you just heard me bitch and moan about all the terrible shit in this job. Why would you wanna stay? Ore you may be thinking “Okay, so this is the part where they say something nice and return a bit of hope to our hearts.” Well, fuck you! I’m not some kinda straw man, Buzzfeed ass bitch here for your entertainment!

…..

Anyway.

10) it does have its upsides- I’ve had a lot of different jobs, most of which were a creative field. One of them paid a lot better than grooming. Many of them had their benefits like… not having to clean literal shit out of your pocket. But, it’s rare to find a job that can actually be fun.

All the bullshit I listed above is true; it’s all happened to me or around me. But most of the stuff are things that happen to everyone. That in itself brings you a certain amount of community. The people in the salon are very close-knit; it becomes almost like a family. And, like a family, we fight and bicker. But within that same hour, we’re laughing at bad puns and poop jokes. Immature? Maybe. But there’s not many other jobs where you can make these jokes without worrying about offending someone or just making things awkward.

There are days where I’m actually excited to go to work. Not many people can say that. Years ago, I couldn’t say that! So, I guess I’m lucky in a way.

This is not a job for everyone, don’t get me wrong. But when a job is geared for a certain type of person, it kinda sets up for a truly strong, supportive relationship.

-

Alright. Enough of this mushy sentimentality. This has been my New Groomer’s guide. Or, as it probably should’ve been titled “Ten things I wish someone told me when I became a Groomer.” But, ya know, I didn’t like that title.

Hope you enjoyed!

[onedayiwillflyfree]

Favorite Feelings

Summary: Bruce always had two loves: the city of Gotham and Selina Kyle. Being forced to choose is never easy, but when he chooses the unexpected, things may just work out.

Requested by: @bbabybatcat

Pairing: Bruce/ Selina

Word Count: 3176

Warnings: Just fluff towards the end

Authors Note: Hey! First time writing Gotham fanfiction and I am super nervous and excited for you guys to read it! (Also, I am shit at writing summaries. Basically just alternate if Bruce would have gone with Selina during the evac!)

“She did well in surgery but the bullet severed her spinal cord and the damage is likely permanent. Mr. Wayne the hospital is shutting down, this is the last ambulance leaving for the boats, we have room for you but we need to go.”

Bruce Wayne looked on as they wheeled Selina into the ambulance as he drowned out what the doctor was saying. Damage is likely permanent rang through his ears like sirens. He felt his stomach twist into a knot, he felt as if he could vomit at any moment. Not her…anyone but her… His knees began to slowly give way.

Alfred put his hand on Bruce’s shoulder to stabilize him. “Now is not the time, she needs you Master Bruce.” He whispered into his ear, pulling Bruce out of the trance he had been in. Bruce looked up to see Alfred already making his way towards the ambulance. As he began to take a step forward, he stopped himself, noticing that his senses were just now returning.

Only now did Bruce begin to hear all the commotion around him, sirens were blaring throughout the city, screams from civilians echoed in the long alleys. Explosions were lighting up the night sky. Gotham had never been the calmest of cities. But in less than an hour, Jeremiah Valeska and Ra’s Al Ghul had brought it to absolute chaos. His city, his home, was being destroyed.

“I can’t leave.” Bruce yelled over the commotion. Alfred stopped mid step.

Alfred inhaled deeply and turned to face the young man he had been raising for the last six years. He noticed how tall he was standing now, and how broad his shoulders had become. “Bruce,” he took a step towards his boy. “Don’t do this. Ms. Kyle…”

Bruce ignored him, looking out into the city. “Ra’s was right, Gotham is my responsibility.” He balled his hands into fists as his entire body began to tense up.

“Well bloody hell, why don’t I just shoot you now if you’re so eager to get yourself killed?” This startled Bruce and he turned his attention over to his butler. Alfred’s eyes had begun to glaze over with tears, whether it was from frustration or sadness, he didn’t know. “You realize that, don’t you? That you will get yourself killed?”

Bruce turned away as Alfred continued stepping closer to him. “It’s my destiny…”

“What about Selina? What about that part of your destiny? You and I both know what she is to you,” At the sound of her name, Bruce tensed. Alfred must have known he had hit a nerve as he continued on. “She needs you right now more than anyone else in this bloody city. You’re just going to leave her like that?”

Bruce looked over at the ambulance where the girl he had fallen in love with lay unconscious. His heart shattered seeing her attached to machines, knowing that it was because of him that she was there in the first place. “I have to find Jeremiah. I have to make him pay for his crimes.” Despite trying to put strength into his words, his voice faltered.

“You needn’t worry yourself with that…”

“HE SHOT SELINA!” Bruce yelled at the top of his lungs, feeling his face grow warm. Alfred stopped, now understanding the real motive of why Bruce wanted to stay behind. “She could have died! She will probably never walk again, never jump with me on rooftops again… He has to pay.”

Alfred reached over for Bruce’s shoulders, grasping them tight, “He will pay for what he has done. But not now, not tonight. Jeremiah will still be here tomorrow; the city will still need saving tomorrow. But tonight, Ms. Kyle needs you. She is what is most important right now,” The sounds of terror rang on as Bruce’s gaze bounced between Alfred’s eyes and the ambulance as he weighed his options.

After a moment, he put his hand on top of Alfred’s and nodded. The butler gave a soft smile as they made their way over to the ambulance.

Bruce stepped up and took position closest to her head. Her curls fell softly around her pale face, causing her to look like an angel who had just gotten their halo. He brushed a single curl behind her ear and began taking off his gloves. He wanted to feel the warmth of her skin against his, like he had done just hours earlier when they kissed.

Had it really only been just a few hours since they were sitting together on the study couch together? Since he had felt her lips against his for the first time in months? He inhaled slowly as he reached down for her hand to take it in his own.

Once Alfred got inside, the door slammed behind them, shutting out all the sounds of the city with them.

The first sun of the morning had always felt different to Selina; in fact it was one of her two favorite feelings in the world. It always felt fresh and a comforting warm as opposed to the blistering hot of midday sun. She always loved how it felt on her face when she would wake up from wherever she had decided to squat that night. The sun felt especially good this morning, like the first sun of spring after a cold winter.

Beep, Beep, Beep.

Ugh, can someone turn off that damn alarm. The beeping continued on as she slowly felt herself getting more irritated by the second. She slit her eyes to see the bright sun pouring in through two large windows. The room was stark white in front of her, and she lay in a bed with all white sheets.

Wait, where am I? 

She opened her eyes fully to look around the room. It was a small room, with a curtain separating half of it. It was pretty obvious she was in a hospital, and accounting for the news cast on the TV, she could tell she was in Blüdhaven, Gotham’s neighboring city. That left one very important question, why wasn’t she in Gotham General?

She received the answer when a shot of the Gotham skyline came onto the television. Smoke was rising from buildings and from the looks of it; the bridge on the east side had been blown to dust. Something big must have happened last night.

“Hello?” she asked to no one in particular. As she expected, no one responded. Her voice came out in a rasp and her mouth was dry. On her bedside table rest a jug of water, she attempted to reach for it but for some reason a sharp pain went through her abdomen.

What happened to me?

Suddenly the memories came flooding back. The gun pressed up against her stomach, cool even through her shirt. Jeremiahs cold, green eyes focusing over shoulder at the real person he was trying to hurt. The bullet breaking through her skin and exiting through her back, shoving her with such force she landed on the table behind her. Bruce’s voice full of pain as he pleaded for her to stay with him.

Bruce! Where was Bruce? 

The curtain in the center of the room began to shuffle to the side and she felt her body go stiff.  She had nothing to defend herself with if someone was coming in to finish her, and even if she did, she wasn’t sure if she had the strength to do anything about it. Her entire lower half of her body was numb from the pain meds they had given her. Much to Selina’s relief, a familiar face stepped into the room. “Alfred?”

The gentleman looked as if he had heard a ghost and jumped right out of his skin, nearly spilling the tea he was holding in his hand. Selina felt a smirk grace her lips.

Instantly, he composed himself, catching his breath and straightened out his shirt. “Ah Ms. Kyle, you’re awake,” Alfred spoke as walked up to her bedside, putting the tea down next to her. “Doctors said you should have been waking up this mornin’, just weren’t sure what time…”

“Where is Bruce?” Selina interrupted, ignoring the scratch in her throat.

Alfred bit his lip as her threw a glance over his shoulder. She had seen him do this before, when she would ask about Bruce and he wouldn’t have an answer for her of his whereabouts. Her heart sank in her chest. “He stayed behind, didn’t he?” she asked, even though she already knew the answer.

“Actually love, he…”

“It’s fine Alfred, I get it. He had some important mission to take care of,” she said as she leaned her head back into the pillow. Before she went into surgery, she remembered asking him to not leave her. He promised he would be there. He promised. Over the last few years, she should have known better to think he would keep a promise this time. Knowing Bruce, he probably decided going after Jeremiah was the better option.

“No, he is actually…” Alfred was cut off once more by a commotion in the hallway.

“Look, kid, I get you are worried about your girlfriend but it’s just not possible. Its too expensive and he is not willing to fly all that way for some random girl that can’t pay for it,” a man with a squeaky voice rang through the door way.

“Money is not an issue Doctor Monroe,” the second male said in a calm yet assertive voice. She knew that voice as well as she knew her own.

The Doctor laughed, “Money isn’t an issue? That’s a laugh kid.” Selina looked up at Alfred as he ran his hand across his forehead and shook his head.

“First of all, I am not your kid. Second of all,” she heard the sound of ripping paper. “This was a check I had written for the hospital, see how many zeros there are? That is chump change to me. But if you are refusing to comply to my wish, then this check will end up in the garbage.” Alfred exchanged a look between Selina and the hall before he stepped out of the room. He knew just as well as Selina that was going to come next wasn’t going to go in the first mans favor. The hallway was silent for a moment except for the sound of Bruce taking a few steps.

“Is everything alright out here Master Wayne?” Alfred asked if on cue.

“Yes Alfred, just a little trouble that needed to be sorted.” Selina had heard Bruce talk with business people once before when they were younger. It was at a charity event he had asked her to come along and pick pocket some of the big wigs for information. But this was different. His voice was so steady and calm as opposed to nervous. He had certainly perfected this side of him over the last five years.

“Wayne? As in Bruce Wayne?” The doctor stammered. “I am so sorry sir, I had no idea.”

“You can address me as Mr. Wayne. Now I am assuming we won’t have any further delays with getting that surgeon here, correct?”

“Yes of course Mr. Wayne, I will get on the phone with him immediately.” And just like that, she heard footsteps scuffle away. The smirk returned to her lips as she let out a small chuckle, immediately regretting her decision when the pain shot through her.

Out in the hall, she heard Alfred mumble something and seconds later the curtain shot open. Standing before her was the boy she had fallen for so many years ago. His black curls were a mess and he had bags under his chocolate brown eyes and yet, she still found him to be one of most attractive men she had ever seen.

His face lit up at the sight of her as butterflies filled her stomach. “Selina!” he appeared to put on a façade of calm but from the tone of his voice was filled with joy. She gave a soft smile as he began to step towards her bedside.

“About time you showed up,” she flipped her hand over when he reached her. She was so cold and was craving the touch of his skin against hers. He intertwined his fingers with hers and brought it up to his lips. Under normal circumstances, this would normally be when she would think of some sarcastic quip about his was such a sap but today, she wanted nothing more than be near him. “You kept your promise for once.”

He looked up from her hand and slowly put it down next to her, his fingers remaining locked with hers. “To be honest, I almost didn’t…” He whispered. Selina wasn’t surprised, his moral code probably would have made him want to stay and help in Gotham. “But Alfred reminded me of what is most important to me in the world.” This did surprise Selina. Bruce had been more open about expressing his emotions than her, but the fact he called the most important thing in his world? Well that would make any girl blush.

“Well thank heavens for Alfred then,” the pair looked over at the middle aged British butler standing in the corner. He nodded to Selina and took a sip of his tea. Selina smiled and turned her attention back to Bruce. “So, when do we get out of here? Imagine from what’s on TV that Gotham has gone to hell, which usually means good things for woman in my line of work. Not to mention I would love to get my hands around Valeska’s neck, ” Alfred choked on his tea and Bruce bit his lip, squeezing her hand. “What? I wouldn’t kill him, just you know, beat the snot out of him,” She laughed but she was the only one. Alfred looked down at his feet; Bruce refused to make eye contact.

“Alfred, can you leave us for a moment?” Bruce asked solemnly. With out hesitation, Alfred stepped out of the room and Selina heard the door click. “Selina- how are you feeling? Like truly.”

She closed her eyes and laid her head back. “I mean, my stomach hurts from where I was shot, but the meds they gave me were pretty good. I can’t feel much of anything.” She opened her eyes to see Bruce’s free hand in a fist on his lap, his eyes filling with tears. He kept squeezing her hand harder and harder. “Bruce?” She tried to adjust herself so she could sit up but her legs would move to scoot her up. She tried to do it again, once again failing. Something didn’t feel right. Even if she was numb, she still should have been able to move… unless… “Bruce… what’s wrong with my legs…”

The look on his face was answer enough for her. Her chest tightened and she felt herself begin to hyperventilate. This couldn’t be happening. Her eyes began to burn with tears and her face grew warm. “Selina, Selina!” Bruce put his hands on her shoulders as the room began to spin. She could hear her heart rate monitor beeping wildly in the background, she couldn’t catch her breath, and she was going to pass out.

Bruce leaned forward and threw his arms around her, almost immediately she could feel herself calming down. “Breathe, deep breaths.” He slowly took a breath in, as if to guide her breathing. She followed his pattern and once the room stopped spinning, she wrapped her arms around him. Even though her breathing stabilized, she felt the tears run down her face and onto Bruce’s sweater.

“What am I going to do, if I can’t walk? I won’t be able to do anything,” she mumbled into his shoulder, squeezing her arms tighter around him as she tried to hold back a sob. Instantly the pain shot through her stomach and she pulled herself back, cringing in pain. Bruce loosened his arms and gently laid her back against her pillow, brushing her curls behind her ears.  “I’m never going to walk again, never jump on rooftops again…” Tears began pouring down her face. Quickly, she turned away from Bruce, not wanting him to see her like this.

“I promise you that you will,” Bruce guided her chin back to face him.

“You can’t promise me that Bruce! You may be rich but your money can’t magically fix me! Money can’t buy everything!” She smacked his hand away, feeling frustrated that he was so calm about this. Her tears stopped as rage boiled up inside her.

“Well,” he spoke to her gently. “I found someone who can help. There is a doctor in Metropolis that is working on a procedure to help fix spinal injuries. He is flying in tomorrow to help you,” Selina shouldn’t have been shocked but she was. That is what he was talking about with the doctor in the hallway. She had known Bruce for six years now and yet he still found ways to surprise her. She looked down at Bruce’s hand, wishing she hadn’t been so rash to act. He always had a plan; she should know that by now.

“Oh,” she whispered.

“Yes, Alfred will be staying with you to make sure everything goes according to plan until I return-“

She shook her head and laughed as she rolled her eyes. Bruce looked over, confused.

“What?” he asked.

“I should have figured you weren’t going to stay, I knew it was too good to be true. Gotta go be the hero like always, right?”

Bruce looked away from her. “I have too, Selina, Jeremiah is still out there,” Bruce clenched his fists as he said Jeremiahs name. She could sense his calm demeanor slowly fading aware, replaced by rage. “He has to pay for what he has done.”

Selina looked down, biting her lip. She didn’t want him to go, she wanted him to stay with her. She always felt better when he was around her. Whenever he was around, she finally felt like she had a home. But she also knew Bruce better than anyone, he couldn’t let the man who hurt her run free if he could do something about it. “Go.” She whispered. His head shot back to her. “Go do what you have to do.” She looked up and met his eyes.

“You’re not angry?”

She reached for his fist, slowly unfolding it. “Bruce, you piss me off more often than anyone in this world.” She put her hand in his, pulling him towards her. Once he was close enough, she slid her hand up into his curls. “But going after the guy that shot me? I can’t be angry at you for that.” She pulled his face to hers, guiding his lips to hers.

Selina Kyle had two favorite feelings in the world. One being the morning sun against her face and the second being Bruce Wayne’s lips pressing themselves up to hers.

[theonceoverthinker]

OUAT 2X12 - In the Name of the Brother

Brother (Or sister, or any other sibling, real or metaphorical), can you spare the time...to read my latest review?

Great! Head below the cut!

Press Release Dr. Whale is tasked with mending Hook’s wounds and performing surgery on the stranger whose car crashed upon entering Storybrooke. But some of the townspeople fear that the stranger may have seen magic – which could expose their true identities to the world – and think that leaving him to die would be the best solution. Meanwhile, as Mr. Gold tries to reunite with a despondent Belle, Cora attempts to reunite with daughter Regina; and in the land that was, Victor desperately wants to prove to his disapproving father that he can, indeed, bring back the dead. General Thoughts - Characters/Stories/Themes and Their Effectiveness Past This is one of the most visually appealing segments in the entire series. The World of Black and White is such a crazy concept, but it absolutely rocks. The style and the use of color make it so hard to forget and it really makes for a world that feels like none other, something that the other realms aren’t always able to do. And when Rumple appears, it’s such a contrast. Like, had this not been done so carefully, the mix of a technicolor Rumple in a world like this would’ve looked sloppy, but instead, it’s as every bit as magical as one could imagine or want it to be. I also like how the acknowledgment of this distinction is never too much of a distraction for the characters. Rumple (And his gold) definitely pops out from the rest of the crowd, but they never stop to think about that in terms of the schematics of their world. I’m glad about this because it doesn’t invite a feeling of distraction away from the story. Finally, let’s talk about music because the music here definitely delivers on the dark gothic atmosphere of the world, and it starts to blend with our world as Rumple shows up. As for the story itself, it’s pretty basic -- good, but basic. It’s essentially a darker “Aladdin” and a gentler Frankenstein story mixed in to one. And it’s cool! Really, it is! The unique take on Frankenstein is cool and having Rumple be what amounts to a jerk genie in it gives a fun spin. However, there’s not that much that’s worth touching upon apart from the style. Present So, the present segment finds itself pretty divided among our main cast and as mixed as the plotlines get, so are my impressions of them.

Emma and co don’t really have much of a story, per se, but act as passive reactants to everything else at play, and to be fair, that’s the most that could be expected of them in this scenario. I found that the debate over whether to let Greg live or not compelling enough, but thankfully not made to be such a big deal, especially when the main players generally don’t harm innocents. Still, it was nice to have Grumpy and Gold to list off the problems that Greg’s existence could present as something to think about (And to be fair, I guess it was something to do before the crazed Plot Hole Police arrived to badger A&E over for years, if they hadn’t already at this point).

Watching Regina and Cora interact is the most uncomfortable thing in the world, and I mean that in the best way possible. Cora, whether true in her love for Regina or not, still manages to squirm her way into Regina’s heart where she knows she’s unwelcome. It’s honestly sinister seeing her apologize for things that we know she doesn’t mean (Making Regina marry Leopold and framing her for Archie’s “death”), but eventually convince Regina regardless. And to Regina’s credit, Cora only gets him by plucking the nerve of her most recent dilemma: Earning Henry’s trust back. Seeing Regina cradling in Cora’s neck is so awful, like seeing a spider ensnare her prey.

Finally, what the hell brought on Whale’s bout into depression? I guess it was seeing the watch which reminded him of his brother, but he was clearly drinking before he got the watch, so what gives? Was is because he couldn’t get sent back to his realms a few episodes ago because that wasn’t even in the “Previously On” section? Like, I’m sorry, but we see Whale on the verge of committing suicide. That’s a serious topic to show, especially for the very real way that Whale attempts it. There needs to either be more of a focus on Whale’s present situation to get to that point. I will say, there is a redemption here by Ruby because her speech at least connects more to the past segment in how Whale can’t change the past, but can change the future.   Insights - Stream of Consciousness -As a victim of a car crash, seeing that again wasn’t traumatic at all! *nervous shudder* -Killian, this is the exact worst time to be an instigator! What the hell?! -This is also the filming spot for my OTHER favorite blooper. I’ll give you a hint: Anyone down for some crushed nuts? -Credit to Emma and David for knowing exactly how to tame Rumple! Small moments like these give a nice amount of payoff for the respective dynamics! -”From the outside?” I feel like if this had happened during the last episode, I probably would’ve put that Peter Griffin meme here about matching the titles in the dialogue. -I love the opening title card here! I normally love them all, but the distinction of color is just magnificent here! -Whale, don’t drink on the job! -”That’s your cross to bear, I suppose.” Victor, making puns is my schtick! -”He’ll cool off.” Gerhardt, your dad wasn’t even mad. I’d say Victor was madder. -Emma’s coming into Killian’s hospital room all confident and I am so here for this! And looks like Killian agrees! -Killian sees he’s chained. “You’re really into this, aren’t you?” Killian is just getting the best lines here and I am also here for this! XD -”If I had to pick dead guy of the year? I’d pick you.” Give it a couple more seasons, Emma. -I love how Ruby knew there were 10,000 combos right off the top of her head! She’s so smart! -”A LinkedIn account.” Not only is this dude a loser, BUT he’s now spamming the few people that can stand him with invitations to certify that he knows PowerPoint! He’s a MONSTER, I tell you! -”And he tweets pictures of his food.” Greg, torturing Regina aside (Which is also pretty fucking horrendous), you are just the WORST person! -Leroy’s apparently a movie buff. Who knew? -”We need to tell Regina’s she’s been framed.” Yesss! Thank you, Snow! I’m not mad at anyone for not immediately thinking of her given the crisis, but I am happy that someone did (Actually, some two because of Snow and Ruby!). Also, it enriches their dynamics going forward! Also, credit to her for understanding the internal danger Cora poses to Regina! I’m seriously loving Snow this season! -”You better hope he dies.” I like the strength of the writing in this line. It’s the driving force for the morality that Emma and co are tasked with thinking about, however inactively, throughout the segment. -”It’s not murder if we let him succumb to his injuries.” “I’m pretty sure it is.” It totally is! Look, for all the moral conflict of this episode, it’s totally murder and I’m glad that the character framed as the one closer to the audience is the one aware of that. -Gee, did Disney buy Star Wars at around this time? I’ve no idea! -”Rumple Von Stiltskin.” Imagine if that’s actually how his name was structured! XD -”Are you a philanthropist?” “Well, I’ve been called worse.” Rumple’s also gotten great quips! -*Rumple sees box* ...August? “Hello, Rumple.” Ah! Cora! What a fakeout! -”The Crocodile snaps at the little bird.” I guess Killian’s vernacular grew on Cora throughout their time together. Now though, I want to know what animal Killian is. What animal is everyone?! -A moment of silence for the deleted Jello scene that never made it to air. A-woman. -Cora, do not smell Regina’s clothes! That is fucking creepy! -Disguising yourself as Henry? Cora, that is a new low! And your former low already bonked Hades’ blue head! -Cora, go away! You’ve been in Regina’s sights for all of a quarter of a second and you’ve already given Regina a panic attack! -I feel like the only reason Rumple held up that magnifying glass was so that the effects team could show off just how well they did his eyes. -Regina’s hiding spot is so beautiful! She has a gorgeous albino apple tree, christmas lights, jewels all around, and gorgeous wallpaper! Fuck the monarchy! Go into interior design! -”Determination.” Cora, shut up, you are not an Undertale character. ...Actually, you totally could pass as Chara. -”Emma and Henry and the two idiots.” I love how small, but still funny that line was. -Okay, so I totally want Ruby to just run on her own in my “Wacky Races” dream fic because holy shit! She’s fast! -I’m not sure if Gerhardt beating the crap out of his father for verbally assaulting Victor is the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen or the most heartwarming. -”It seems that science does too [have a price].” Bro, do you even physics?! -I’m not going to write down Ruby’s entire speech, but I do like the concept of looking at bright sides to Regina’s curse. It’s definitely not an admission that it was a good deed nor should it be, but in this isolated incident, it’s interesting to see Ruby and Whale commiserate over things. -Also, serious props to Ruby for cutting Whale’s self-hate monologue to get to the situation at hand. XD -”These carriages are strange.” I wonder if Cora was actually serious when she says this! XD I mean, cars are probably intimidating to those not familiar with them. -”It’s one of my most treasured possessions.” Awww! -It’s so freaky seeing Gerhardt moving around in his undead state. He’s like a gorilla in the way he moves his arms and legs and the way he cowers and sits. What a cool take on Frankenstein’s monster! Like that, more than anything would make me interested in a follow-up Frankenstein flashback. -I feel so bad for Snow as she’s being let down about not going into Greg’s room, but I can’t help but laugh. Like Snow, the fuck, bro? -”It’s a cup.” Am I the only one getting a sense of deja vu from “A Bug’s Life” here? XD -Greg, you sly dog! You, Killian, and Cora could bag Best Acting Awards until you die! -”I was texting.” ...While not my exact situation, this was too fucking real… -I love that globe and wish we saw more of it! On topic, everyone in Storybrooke should keep a private sampling of blood just for safekeeping at this point for identity purposes. -Awww! Poor Emma! Henry, just let her sleep! And then Gold comes in! The poor woman! -”If any harm comes to Belle while I’m gone, I’m killing all of you.” ...Was anyone in that room trying to hurt Belle? For the wham line it was supposed to be, it doesn’t come back in a meaningful way and it’s so oddly aimed. I guess this was written before Colin got hurt and maybe Killian was supposed to go after her again? Arcs - How are These Storylines Progressing? Rumple’s Redemption - As much as my inner sense of empathy is judging Rumple, his decision to essentially say “fuck off” to the request to help Greg is pretty in-character. Not only is he dealing with the anger over losing Belle and essentially letting Killian get away with it without killing him (Which is in itself a pretty great stride that holds through from his decision in the previous episode), but yeah, for as much as I like Rumple and think that the writing does an excellent job of painting him as not a complete fucking monster, I put the word ‘complete’ in there for a reason. Rumple still has a long way to go until he reaches a point where he can care for someone whose outside of his tiny circle of love, and for whatever can be said about his relations to Emma and David, they’re not at a point where they’re strong enough where he’d give them that much concern. Regina’s Redemption - “I have to let you know. I had nothing to do with Archie.” I almost feel like I can leave it there, but nah. You deserve more! So, just as much as Regina wants Henry to be by her side regardless as for as much as her attempted redemption had hurt her thus far, Regina’s still committed to doing right by Henry, and that’s amazing! Furthermore, Regina shows that even if she didn’t accept her treatment when the accusations came around over Archie’s death, she does accept that given the circumstances, it was a reasonable assumption to make. Honestly, the entirity of Regina’s scenes with Cora speak of how far she’s come, as she stands against Cora’s points over why she framed Regina. Obviously, part of what made Regina go as evil as she did was Cora’s influence, and seeing her work so hard to not let Cora control her again was just so impressive! Hell, even gives Cora an understanding of what she wants if she’s to trust Cora again. Greg Mendell - We get our first (Okay, second) piece of Greg in this episode. Definitely a good actor and I like how there was this subversion of expectations in this episode (until the ending, of course) while still raising all of the needed points about him and his existence here for later in the season where they would apply. Favorite Dynamic Rumple and Cora - I like how we get to see that Cora’s menace doesn’t just stretch to Regina, but how exactly it stretches to Rumple. Rumple and Cora are on equal footing in a way that Rumple and Regina only came to be during the final two seasons of the show, and that comes across so clearly in just how he acts around her in their one scene together. She’s able to push him a bit and even prompts a deal where he has to hesitantly accept it, and that’s so rarely done, especially by an enemy. Just look at the worry in Rumple’s eye and that bit of trepidation, but he still manages to keep most of his cool. That is how Rumple responds to a real threat. It’s almost karmic retribution for not bothering with Greg (Or trying so hard to keep Cora out of Stroybrooke that she’d let Emma and Snow die), but I don’t know if I would go so far as to say that for certain. Still, their one scene both establishes so much of their dynamic and sets up the board for later. Writer Jane Espenson is back, and she did a decent job here. I like how she balanced the screentime of so much of our main and supporting cast. No one ever feels like they got the shaft and what they were given to do fits their story so well. In addition, I feel like the writing is done very well, particularly with Regina and Cora. The way Regina speaks is a great reflection of the work she’s done as she deflects Cora’s points hit by hit and only succumbs to a situation that was well set up. Jane is really good when it comes to writing Regina, as “We Are Both” was also hers and the depictions of both her past and present character were marvelous! Also, as a side note, she wrote Emma and Killian much better here. There’s clearly animosity, but a level of concern and even flirting off of Emma’s side that is actually allowed to show up for a hot second. Rating 8/10. Style is the name of the game here. I’d be lying if I didn’t say that the aesthetics weren’t impressive enough to bring the whole episode up a level. As for the other segments, they ranged in quality, but were more good than bad, though since Whale was the main segment, the shortcomings of that story stood out more. But thankfully, it wasn’t the only portion between the interesting broad strokes of the OUAT rendition of Frankenstein, the true horror story of seeing Cora take over Regina’s life again, and the small inner workings of Emma and co in the background as they react to all of this. Flip My Ship - Home of All Things “Shippy Goodness” Rumbelle - I noticed that just as the episode started, Rumple was calling Belle “Beautiful Belle” as the authorities were coming for her. That’s small, but pretty cute! And you just gotta feel for Rumple as he tries so desperately to make Belle remember him. While I’m not really sure if I like or dislike the failed TLK, the cup scene absolutely accomplishes what it sets out to do. Also, “do you have any spells to return memories?” Just look at Rumple here. He looks so nervous as he’s asking, as fragile as a young schoolboy! And he does that in front of CORA! That is adorable for Rumbelle! Captain Swan - Killian just gets hit by a freakin’ CAR and the first thing he says is, “Hey beautiful.” Killian, never change! ...Actually, yeah. You need to change a lot, but fortunately, you do! Hell, even Emma gives into the flirting a bit after a bit! Also, “everything else is still intact.” KIllian, could you be any more obvious?! Also also, Emma’s pretty keen on keeping an eye on Killian despite the fact that he’s handcuffed. Finally, Emma’s reaction to Rumple’s threat to kill Hook at the end of the episode...looks like she does care. Golden Heart - ”I’ve no reason to cheat you.” “Anymore.” Looks like we’ve got some angry exes! XD Also, notice how Rumple’s lingering juuuuuust a bit during that kiss! You dog! ()()()()()()()()() Finally! Another really good episode to talk about and get pumped over!! Thank you so much for reading and to the awesomesauce fine folks at @watchingfairytales for making like Frankenstein and bringing my creations to life! Bwahahahahha!

Any guesses on what will happen next time? I’ll give you a tiiiiiiiiny hint: It’s one of my favorites. See you then! Season 2 Tally (104/220) Writer Tally for Season 2: Adam Horowitz and Edward Kitsis: (29/60) Jane Espenson (25/50) Andrew Chambliss and Ian Goldberg (24/50) David Goodman (16/30) Robert Hull (16/30) Christine Boylan (7/30) Kalinda Vazquez (10/30) Daniel Thomsen (10/20)

Operation Rewatch Archives

[justanotherdadblog-blog]

Hi... My name is Stu and I have Depression... and Anxiety... and OCD.

Pretty sure that's all I have, god I hope that's all I have, its enough to deal with.

I'll tell you a little about myself before I get launched into the reason for starting a blog, but before I do you need to understand that above all other things on this earth, I love my daughters and I would do anything for them and to have them in my life.

I'm 37 years and 6 months on this planet, I have until 2 months ago lived a relatively happy and what most would class as normal life. I have three wonderful daughters, and I've been married twice. Like I said, a normal life.

I'm currently a single father and my 2 youngest daughters (6 & 7) live with me 3-4 nights a week, whilst my older Daughter (13) lives with me when she feels like it, which is usually at the weekend. Sometimes I don't see her for weeks, but we chat by text every day.

Like all good depression stories, mines starts with a girl and a guy.

Flash back to May 2017, I met a girl through a good friend, this good friend also owned the shop that I worked in at the time. (you can already see where this is going)

This girl and I got on like you dream about, we were into the same things, she allowed me to be myself, which was something that had previously been denied to me in other relationships, she made me cups of tea when I would go over to hers after work. She did all the little things that I had craved in both my marriages.

She was phenomenal with my Daughters, had so much time for them, couldn't do enough to entertain and provide for them. She also had a son of her own, she was the model mother, he is such an amazing little boy who will one day smash the patriarchy with his feministic views.

I honestly couldn't see it ever being anything other than absolutely amazing, and I knew I would do anything to make this relationship work.

Fast forward 11 months, this amazing girl who I now lived with had asked me several times if I paid child support for my daughters, to which I had repeatedly answered no, which wasn't strictly a lie, but also not entirely the truth. What I did pay was £200 a month towards her rent, which was the reason for not paying child support. I had kept this a secret, because I don't know why. Was I scared of how she would react? Sure I was, I was terrified it would end everything, and so I kept my secret and continued to pay.

Then one day, in a conversation about my ex wife, I was asked, why does she still have my surname? Truth is I don't know, I guess since our kids have my surname she decided just to keep it, and to be honest it didn't bother me greatly, so I didn't bother to rock the boat. This amazing girl didn't agree, she asked me if I would ask her to change it back to her maiden name, and me being the doting man who didn't want to upset or lose this amazing girl did just that.

It felt wrong before I had even started typing the text, I knew right away this was going to blow up, this needless act was going to cause me some sort of mental anguish, and I was so right... still did it though.

The backlash from ex wife was not surprisingly aggressive and cold, she didn't want to have a different surname to her children, she didn't want to go back to her maiden name because she hated her family and didn't want associate with them, and she didn't want to go through the hassle of changing all of her details with the bank, passport, licence etc.

During this tirade at me, I was being directed by amazing girl with how to respond, we would pay all costs, we would cover anything that needed covered, anything that would get this surname changed, and make all well with the world... little did I know this was only the beginning.

I guess since ex wife was all riled, she decided to drop a bombshell on me, she was moving away, and she was taking my children with her. Her new house would be 2 hours drive away, so I was suddenly going to go from having my children 3-4 nights a week, to seeing them every other weekend. I wasn't getting a say in it, that was it.

Looking back now, I think that this was the point my 'Mental Health Crisis' started, it's what they call a nervous breakdown nowadays apparently.

Ex wife revealed that my £200 a month to cover rent wasn't enough anymore and she needed to moved to a bigger house because she was expecting another child with her new partner.

KABOOM!

Amazing girl was reading all responses with me as they were coming in, and there it was in full text, confirmation that I was paying £200 a month towards my children and that she was expecting another child. Amazing girl would have loved nothing more than to have more children, but due to my vasectomy that wasn't going to happen for us with out surgery of some kind.

I had a full emotional breakdown, on one hand I had lied to this amazing girl who was the world to me, and on the other hand my life was being ripped away from me by my ex wife who was going to take my children away. My life was literally being torn in two and there wasn't anything I could do to stop it.

I fled, I went to my parents, in floods of tears, I was totally broken, not one part of my body didn't hurt, my heart felt like it was being torn from my chest, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't speak. My mum held me for a long time, I remember thinking, this is why I'm such a good parent, because my Mum has given me these skills that she still bestows on me today.

Over the next couple weeks my relationship with amazing girl broke down because I had betrayed and lied to her and because emotionally I was destroyed and didn't have the words to say anything to her to make it better, my work suffered, and that's not good when you're self employed. My relationship with my friend who owned the studio I worked in suffered, I think now for two reasons, 1. because I had hurt his friend, and 2. because I wasn't making money for his studio. In the end he let me go. That was the triple whammy right there, the kidney punch on top of the heart ripping. No Partner, No Kids and No Job.

That was the lowest I have ever felt, I don't even know now, today, if I could ever feel lower than that, I don't think I'd ever want to.

That weekend I had a text from my ex friend who owned the studio, he laid it out for me and his reasoning for letting me go, he explained that my behaviour had been erratic and I had lost sight of my business and in that he had lost his trust and faith in me. It actually made me feel a little better, it was the first thing I didn't have to over think, here was an explanation I could understand. I responded that I was grateful for his text and his explanation, I was sorry things had gotten to where the had and I had no hard feeling towards him or the shop studio. He asked me if I would train a new member of staff to do my old job, and he would pay me to do it, honestly I thought that was pretty cheeky, but I had no job and bills coming up so I was considering it, but didn't respond to it just yet.

Within an hour of those texts I had a message from another Studio, who had caught wind that I no longer worked in my old studio, he asked me if I'd come see him for a chat. Understand that I had not even considered what I was going to do for work yet, I hadn't even put the feelers out. Long story short he offered me a position at his studio on the same deal I had already been on, and I'm not one to look a gift horse in the mouth. This studio had always outsourced their clients to me anyway, so now I would just be working in house.

Did I mention the new studio is literally across the road from my old studio? I mean, literally across the road, they can see each other from the front doors.

Cue ex friend catching wind of my new career prospects, I still don't know how he found out, as I only told two people, but I suspect perhaps some in-house chatter between the two studios, it doesn't really matter. I received a text from ex friend 'under no circumstance, am I to work at [this new studio]' I ignored this text, another text arrived not even 10 minutes later calling me a baby for not responding (how ironic).

So I responded that I had been made an offer that I was considering and that he had let me go, so he didn't really have any day in the matter. I got another text stating 'I've just messaged [the new studio], and it looks like that door will be closed to you now haha'. My first ever panic attack happened there and then, what had he done? What had he said, what did he mean? I couldn't breathe again, my mind was in overdrive.

A message arrived from the new studio owner, it was a screenshot of the message he had been sent by my ex friend. He went into a full account of how I had been sacked for stealing money from the studio and the other businesses within the studio. My heart sunk, what had I done to deserve this? I messaged my ex friend and asked for an explanation, at first I think he was shocked that I had been sent this screenshot, I don't think he anticipated that it would come out, he had hoped I think that the work would continue to be outsourced to his studio and his new employee and that I would be on my merry way jobless once again.

Thankfully, the new studio saw through the idiocy of his plan, and coupled with the texts I had been receiving just hours earlier still gave me the position.

To this day, I don't know what I did, other than take an offered position, to offend him. It makes me sad that we're not friends anymore, he continues to maintain my guilt, he has taken all my clients, but I still don't hate him. He has verbally and physically assaulted me, and I still don't hate him. He is a very bitter man, who is perhaps struggling with some mental issues of his own. I feel sorry for him in a strange way.

Every day now, I wake up and I'm riddled with Anxiety about what people think of me, what if I meet him in the street, what if I'm not good enough for this new studio. The texts from him have stopped, I received one randomly from his wife, and I receive text from my ex amazing girl now and then. I have yet to respond to a single one of them. I think that I need this chapter of my life to end, this new job is the start of the next chapter, it's a new start, but the old one is still being tied up. This anxiety brings on bouts of depression, especially when my kids are not around, I find myself sleeping in the afternoon when I'm off work, or visiting my family a lot more just so I'm not alone, I think about everything, constantly, the thoughts come very suddenly and my brain just screams BOOM, FUCKING HAVE THAT TO DEAL WITH!!

Oh yeah, about my kids, I still see them 3-4 days a week, my  ex wife hasn't mentioned moving away again, and I'm not bringing the subject up again.

So there you have it, how I got to today. My hope is that I can write here, just a little every day or every other day, little snippets and updates of daily life with me, my dog and my kids. To record the good times and the hard times and hopefully notice just how strong I am and continue to become every day.

Thank you for reading.

Stu

[purplesurveys]

1237

disclaimer I’ll be taking into account the last 24 hours for the first part because it’s 3 in the morning and I haven’t really done anything yet lmao anywho

survey by chasingghosts

Have you today?

Looked in a mirror? Yeah I took a shower earlier so I couldn’t really avoid the mirror in the bathroom.

Watered a plant? I don’t do plants. Can never take care of them to save my life.

Worn denim? I did, actually. Some package came for me earlier today and I didn’t really look the most decent, so before heading out to meet the delivery guy I grabbed the first jacket I saw, which was denim.

Washed your hair? Yes, when I took said shower a couple of hours ago.

Been in pain? Yup my back and shoulders feel like hell from sitting on my ass all day while at work.

Had a nap? Kinda, I guess? I fell asleep at around 9, 9:30ish...woke up at around 1 AM, and here I am now. I don’t plan on sleeping anymore.

Brushed your teeth? Yup.

Kissed someone? Just my dogs.

Used a cheese grater? No, I don’t think I’ve consumed any cheese today either.

Eaten something sweet? Nah, it’s all been salty/savory for me today.

Spoken to a stranger? Sure.

Dropped something? I drop my vape pen at least once a day, so yes.

Felt upset in some way? UGH yeah. Our internet disappeared at around 2 in the afternoon and it still hasn’t come back, and our service provider’s social media has been unsurprisingly unresponsive and useless. I’ve been using data since then and I’m just worried about how long this would take because I don’t want to keep spending just for extra load. I also have my Korean language classes this afternoon which will for sure require a lot of data :/

Drank coffee? I have a full mug of it beside me right now.

Walked for more than thirty minutes? LOL no, I’ve only stayed indoors.

Signed up for something? Hmm I don’t think so.

Travelled in a car? See two answers above this.

Opened a can? Nopes.

Thought about doing something crazy? Just me thinking about dropping another couple thousands on merch until I mentally slapped myself and told myself I’d be fucking stupid if I spent on one more piece of stupid merch.

Listened to a new song? Yes, I tried listening to Love Shot by EXO over dinner since my sister had started humming it. It was okay but I quickly shifted back to BTS right after hahaha.

Written in a notebook? No. I only do so when I practice my Hangul but I have yet to work on that today.

Fed an animal? Yes, I have pets.

Checked your emails? I mean that’s kind of the standard in my job lol I have my Gmail tab up throughout the 8 hours.

Told someone you love them? No.

Made a phone call? No, I’m rarely the one who makes the call.

Have you in the last week?

Travelled on a bus? I’ve never ridden a bus solely for commuting by myself. I’ve only been on them when it’s the arranged vehicle, like for school field trips or our family vacations. Our public buses are quite bleck and unsanitary and the drivers maneuver the buses like it’s their last goddamn hour on the planet, so I don’t get on them myself.

Washed your face? I mean yeah, when I take showers. I don’t really have a skincare routine though, if that’s what you mean.

Used a blender? We rarely have a use for a blender at home so we don’t even have one.

Received a phone call? No. My biggest pet peeve is when delivery riders call me up once they’ve arrived at our place just to say “I’m here,” but fortunately the one assigned to me today to deliver my package knew how to use the doorbell.

Talked to someone you dislike? Yeah I have to deal with a client I absolutely fucking despise everyday.

Consumed alcohol? I’ve thought of it, but then I thought of how sleepy I get whenever I drink alcohol and decided against it because I wanted to stay up tonight.

Eaten pasta? Yeah, my dad made Filipino-style spaghetti for dinner the other evening.

Planned for an event? Not an event per se but sure, I made some plans? Punk is slated to make his debut on AEW/return to pro wrestling next weekend or sometime soon, idrk - and this is a big fucking deal omg, 15 year old Robyn has arisen from her grave - and Andi and I made plans to watch it together so we can freak the fuck out.

Asked someone for a favour? Yes. I borrowed cash from my mom since the delivery fee for my packaging earlier was apparently cash on delivery.

Watched something funny? I mean I watch BTS clips pretty much everyday and a gigantic chunk of them are hilarious.

Trimmed your nails? No, but I did bite on them multiple times.

Browsed Reddit? I did actually! After a super long time of not doing so...I just decided to randomly check out r/bangtan to see what’s going on there. It’s mostly Americans though so idk if I’ll make a habit out of browsing.

Talked to yourself? Oh this happens a few times a day.

Purchased tickets for something? Nope.

Felt like you were annoying someone? Just about everyday.

Cleaned a toilet? I have not.

Reminisced about the past? Not really. I’ve made references to the past with friends, but we didn’t ~reminisce.

Used headphones? Yeah I always use my headphones when playing Rhythm Hive so I can hear the beats better.

Laughed with a friend? Many times. Always just virtually, though.

Cooked dinner and then didn't feel hungry? I don’t cook.

Written a list? LOL yes. My period had been coming and I noticed I was crying over the smallest, stupid things, so I started a list of the things I cried over the last week. The funniest item on the list is probably an ad that was shown to us during a campaign briefing...

Played an instrument? Nope.

Felt jealous or envious? I will sometimes feel the tiniest tinge of envy and wistfulness when I see my friends in happy and fulfilled relationships, but it passes in a second.

Ignored a text message on purpose? So many hahahahahahah

Congratulated someone? Yes!!! Graduation season was last week so I congratulated a shit ton of friends.

Have you in the last month?

Made a piece of art? Making art was never made for me, so no.

Rewatched one of your favourite tv shows or movies? Yep, I rewatched Friends a couple of weeks ago.

Called a plumber? Nope.

Been to a see a doctor? I mean, technically I guess yeah? When I had to get my vaccine shot.

Finished a book? I haven’t done that in a while.

Had a crush on someone? Just celebrities but I won’t count those.

Travelled on a train? I haven’t.

Worn heels? Haven’t done this either.

Been to a friend's house? I’ve been to Angela’s house semi-regularly, yup.

Shared a bed with someone? Nah.

Been to see a movie at the cinema? I haven’t been to the cinema in like a year and a half.

Paid attention to celebrity drama? Erm not really. I also haven’t been up to date with that, especially with American celebrities hahaha.

Felt anxious? Maybe not anxious but nervous.

Taken an elevator? Yeah in Mega since that place is so goddamn big.

Given someone the cold shoulder? Yep, my mom when she is being extra annoying/condescending.

Purchased a new book/game/movie? I guess you can say that? I bought a subscription pack on Rhythm Hive because I was using it regularly anyway.

Applied for a job? I already have a job, so no. I did get a job proposal on Linkedin a couple of weeks ago with another PR firm, but I took a look at their clients just to see if the offer was something I could sink my teeth into - and even though their brands were quite high-profile, they were in industries I didn’t particularly find interesting.

Used a printer? Nah.

Had lunch in a park? No.

Gotten a manicure or pedicure? I have not.

Made an appointment? Just for my shot but that’s it.

Had a blood test done? Noooooo not another one of those plz.

Suffered from a major bruise? Not a major bruise but a huge bloody gash on my thigh after a particlarly rowdy play session with Cooper. There’s still a very visible scar on me.

Researched a topic in-depth? I do this quite a bit in my work, yes.

Have you in the last year?

Been to the beach? No, I’ve mostly stayed at home since July 2020.

Visited someone in the hospital? I haven’t. Too risky.

Played pinball? No, it’s never interested me.

Travelled on a plane? I haven’t. :(

Worn a costume? Sure, for Halloween last year I went as Dora.

Been thrift shopping? Not that I can recall, no.

Thought about getting pregnant or got pregnant? Definitely not at this point in my life.

Made a big life decision? Uh yeah this past year was both the worst and best rollercoaster I’ve ever been on. I can’t believe it’s almost been a year since that shitty breakup...

Changed a lightbulb? Nope.

Framed something and put it on your wall? No but I have been meaning to do this for months. I just never get around to buying some actual picture frames lol.

Been stargazing? Not the professional kind of way with a telescope and all. I’ve just lied on my back at the rooftop to gaze at the night sky and the stars.

Made a new friend? So many!!! Reena is probably my bestestestest new friend <3 I mean we’ve met a while ago, as Angela’s mutual - even had a few drinks or so together - but we didn’t become closer until just a couple of months ago.

Added to a collection? I’ve had merch that arrive every week or so these days because I bought a ridiculous amount of shit between May and June when I was a new Army. I’ve substantially calmed down now, but I should expect to receive my running list of ordered merch up until September LMAO. At first I used to bitch about the really long shipping period considering all the products come from Korea, but after 3 or 4 fulfilled orders you kinda get used to it.

Been to the dentist? No.

Broken up with someone? Yessss. I didn’t know it at the time but it would turn out to be one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

Held a baby? Nah.

Created a budget? Yeah...doesn’t mean I’ve been successful. I always go over, hehe.

Confessed feelings for someone? There isn’t anyone to do that for.

Had surgery of any kind? Nopes.

Quit a job? No and I have no plans to anytime soon.

Been in a car accident? Nah but my dad has, c/o some stupid and unattentive motorcycle driver.

Purchased something worth over a grand? So in US dollar conversion, around P50,000? Hell no.

Been on vacation at least 500km/300mi from home? No. :( The farthest we’ve been to was Tagaytay and I think that’ll remain the same for a while.

Applied for an academic course? Yes, my Korean class.

Had your photo taken by a professional? No, it’s been over a year since my last professional shoot for my senior photos.

[diaryofsecrecy]

It has been the most exhausting year of my entire life and I will be surprised if I ever top it...

Brent was having a hard time adjusting to the altitude when we 1st came out here, (July 8th 2020) But as time went on he got better as expected. Then suddenly he got worse and worse, Eventually he lost the job that he got because he was calling out so often throwing up and experiencing extreme nausea.  Because of covid, the doctors were booked for weeks (new patient) so it was just kind of a waiting game until we finally decided to just go to the ER.  They did a full blood panel and decided that he needs to see a GI doctor because everything else is normal. So, That was booked 2 weeks out and he was sent home with nausea medication for one week...

Of course we were going to try to buy or rent so I was freaking out about money and working as much as I possibly could... But then I too had to go to the emergency Room because I had extreme abdominal pain resulting in an emergency appendectomy😖

The day after my surgery, I am home, when my dad comes in with my older sister.

To my knowledge, my older sister was diagnosed paranoid schizofrantic. She has been Homeless for the last 11 years,  And on drugs.  She recently was beaten so badly that she was left with several brain injuries on top of it all, And while she was healing at the hospital somehow they didn't notice her walk out.  We were just about to get her placed somewhere safe...And they lost her.

Anyhow dad walks in with my sister who I guess called him from a coffee shop when they told her that she couldn't sleep there anymore (after a month of being missing again) Dad had to go back to work so then it was me & her for the next 2 days, As you can imagine, not the rest I needed post surgery... then, I had to go back into the hospital because something wasn't right. I was there for 3 more days, 2 days alone because ben was so sick that it was worse with him being there than me sitting by myself in pain and nausea of my own.

Fast forward a few more months, tragic accidents led to 2 separate deaths of my parents dogs. Both events I happen to be present, so get blamed & am no longer welcome at mom & dads.

(Still healing from sugury, brent still very sick)

We get an apartment, and I start working as a nanny for my aunt twice a week while working at Massage Envy the other 5 days.

At this point, I am tired. I am horney, and lonely, and Absolutely. Fucking. Miserable.

I am begging ben to keep up with drs. but he has lost hope of getting better, and I have no way of helping him when I am already worn too thin.

After 9, Long, long months, he eventually, with my consistent pushing, nagging, most likely not always kind remarks, he finds out his hormones are completely off, which I knew would be the case, his dick hadnt worked for the last 3 years properly..

Anyway. He blames his addiction medication rather than continuing dr. Appointments... he gets on testosterone with an outside company(pay out of pocket kind of subscription company...rather than checking insurance, or figuring out what causes low testosterone and fixing that first). I was working and had no influence in any of those choices that effect us both as they have for at least 2 years. He hasnt touched me for so, so, long.

Month 3 of his medication that seems to be working (only reason I know is there was a ton of porn in my google history, he had declined all advances, except the rare, 3 times he allowed a blowjob then left immediately after for the gym or literally anything else rather than make it romantic at all.)

Month 4, he forgets to make a payment at all, so now we owe $250 rather than the normal $100. His meds get sent, then FedEx loses the package all together so, he is sick and I am house sitting in a dream home, alone for 2 weeks straight that originally was going to be our getaway to focus on Us.

At this point, brent and I havnt slept in the same bed for 2 months. At first cause he says I'm mean and he wants to not be near me, but now its cause hes "more comfortable out in the living room..."

A month ago when we last had a conversation about our relationship he said he wants space and a break from me all together. I'm too much.

I am the problem..?

When trying to understand what he means, he shuts down the connvo, saying he cant talk about it anymore. It's been 30 days since we have made any verbal progress. Our fighting has stopped though, and I'll tell you why...

Rewind 1 week before house sitting;

1 week after brent and I had an awful fight where he told me we should take a break, I stay at my parents & My mom offers for me to join them at a graduation party of a kid I used to babysit.

We were sitting in the back of the dining room, out of the way, when I saw someone i slightly recognized in the hallway. Not sure from where, but he was the kind of guy that you couldnt stop looking at. He was clearly into fitness, his shirt couldnt hide the muscular features he had been perfecting either, despite him dressing nothing out of the ordinary. He had beautiful ink crawling up his leg, an artform that would only mean something to someone who is more spiritually awake. But more noticable about anything was that smile.

God that smile. His face was scruffy, as if he had been away, but regardless, the smile he had influenced his entire ora. His eyes smiled, his walk... smiled. He had some kind of thing about him that was a physical draw I had never known for myself before. Dont get me wrong, i have been woo'd by many men so far in my life, from all stages in life, but This one was just, different. He was making his way around the room, & I could hear his voice over my mom who's talking beside me. I had literally been blocked out by my ever wondering thoughts of this random stranger whom felt familiar.

Then, he was there, at our table?

He was so easy to talk to, not even sure how we started now, but all I know is I was not nervous despite my very physical attraction to him.

He spoke of traveling, and adventures hes been on. This guy had a whole other life in the military at one point and now was traveling, working for a company that sends him around the US.

This guy had Hope's and dreams and somehow we got to talking about that kind of thing at a graduation party?

When I left that day, I thought about him. Not just him specifically, but men like him. Had I chosen Brent wrongfully? Does brent even like who I am anymore, what does he want going forward in his own life? How do I even fit into that? He understands my need for adventure but his actions say that he doesnt want to come along. My mind was loopy after that because for the first real time I questioned, what if there was someone who wanted to see the world,  Who liked my sad music, and my emotions being in everything I do? What if there was a women more interested in the simple home life, having a couple dogs and living a small, comfortable life? Are we doing one another a disservice by occupying oneanother's lives? How could I ever bring that up with Brent at all without making him feel so inadiquite after a year of terrible sickness and defeat?

Well, when I went to that big, gorgeous dream home the following week to house sit for 2 weeks... begging him to come see me, I grew weak from overthinking. I cried, I cried so much the first 3 days.

I cried from a place of such sadness, anger, bitterness, defeat, they were so strong. My mind was cloudy, drunk, stoned, tired.... I found myself writing a suicide letter.

My plan was to disappear, I knew I'd find a firearm in the home & allow someone to find my remains eventually in the hills where I'd walk far enough.

I prepared by cleaning the litterbox, laying out several bowls of water for the dog and cat, and watered all the plants heavily. I transfered brent all the money in my bank accounts, and as I waited for the sheets to come out of the dryer I balled my eyes out, reading the last conversations I had had with my family members. I thought to myself how the kids would take it, what different life choices they would make having been close with someone before their passing. At this point, I needed something, but I needed it from someone who doesnt know me in my life right now, but the me that was worth saving. The me I still recognized.

I called an old friend from 2nd grade. Hadnt talked to her in years and years, didnt known her life, her schedual, her name(which had been changed). But she talked me down. She saved my fucking life. It took a person who knew my soul years ago, to remind me I am not alone.

I dont blame my parents, or who I thought would be my future husband. I had talked with my aunt earlier that day and she couldnt see it either. I had become this fake shell of a person and it took considering an actual murder of myself to make me see that if I continued this path, I would die eventually and nobody in my life would ever see me preparing for it.

That night, I invited a complete stranger over and we fucked like rabbits. 4 times. He got to do things he'd never done before, and I begged him to. Sounds cold, sounds unapologetically disgusting that I'd do something like that, but quite frankly, I FUCKING needed it. I needed someone to see me, even if he didnt see my current life nor care about me as a person... he saw, touched, kissed, sucked and ate me up. For the first time in at least 2 years, i felt satisfaction when I walked him to the door and watched his car drive away.

It was like a sigh of relief, an inch I could not reach for the longest time, gone. Finally.

The following days, brent began putting in more effort. It has been 3 weeks and I'd say he has been kinder to me than he had in a while (probably the lack of testosterone) but also, I havnt seen much of him in general. From his point of view, it is all fine. Hes getting the space he needed, I'm being nicer since I quit massage Envy, and things are looking up....

But that is because he doesnt See Me.

My suisidal thoughts subsided after my long conversation with Scout. & that night I called my cousin as well, and learned he too had been in my shoes before. He said something that stuck with me.

If everyone has an expiration date on their life already, and we don't know when it is, you're to the point that you're life is so invaluable that youd kill yourself than flee your life and make one you want. Dont care about the people youd hurt, because suicide is just as careless as abandoning them all indefinitely.

He was so right, it put things into perspective, gave me a freedom I felt I was waiting to gain permission for.

Five days later, I noticed He had written me 5 before, on the day I had truly planned to end my current life..

He had written me at 12am, what would someone like him, a gorgeous, beefed out, big thinker, high energy, go getter be doing messaging me, a tired women who was 300lbs a year ago, (still working on getting to a normal size) and completely at a crossroads with existance.

I entertained the connvo a tad, and honestly forgot about it for a few days as I figured no way he could be serious.

He triple messaged me, and asked for my personal contact info to have real conversation?

Hesitantly, and wildly excited to even just flirt for a moment with someone who is literally everything I fantasize when I'm alone everynight....

Our conversation immediately took off. In directions I hadnt expected at all what so ever. He told me he had to admit he felt drawn to me, like he had known me in another life. That he doesnt expect me to get it, but I did. We talked about things that only my sister and I can relate to on a spirituality standard and it changed me in that instant. Suddenly i realize, I wasn't broken, I was just misunderstood. & that there are people in this world that See Me even when I am not trying. Not many, and it takes a specific Kind of person, but they do exist and when you meet them, you cant ignore it. It is as if they stain you with remembrance.

As the sexually hungry humans we are, not only did we find that morality, values, future goals coexist, but also our importance of intimacy. Not just lust and sex, well, yes that too, uff did those conversations get so, fucking, hot, but the interactions of intimacy and how they make a person whole.

I opened up to him about Brent, and where I am at in life, asking he please oversee my unfaithfulness, but that I am loyal at heart. He says with such pain in his voice how he too in a parallel position simultaneously, however, he married her 7 years ago.

Ugh.

So now I get to choose. Do I chose mortality, say no, brent and the other women deserve to understand the severity of sex, love and passion, and if they chose not to then we will leave before we act on our mutual attraction....? Or, do we say hell with it and give in to serendipity moments that our hearts crave so badly, take on the consequences and move forward. Sigh. If only there was a guideline for complicated.

Last night, as the 5 nights before, we talked for hours on the phone. His voice makes me smile every, damn, time. Perhaps because it's new and exciting, or maybe I just love to hear him go on his tangents of loving yourself despite the bad in life. I Want him. I want him when I wake, &when I go to sleep. I do not want a life without him& it saddens me to know our timing is incorrect. He asked her for a divorce a year ago, but has sat comfortably as I have despite the horror because weve both been too busy, too tired, too... afraid that life will always be lonely. Last night, he said to me, Elise, I love you. I avoided it several times but when he said it two more times, I couldnt keep it any longer to myself, Jackson, I really do Love you as well. It's scary, and faster than I'd ever say it to anyone. But I know it to be true because I Feel it. I want his love so badly. I want him to live life along side of me because with a person like him, I'd be a better me.

I am absolutely terrified. My life, my home, my family, dogs, my 5 year relationship, the unborn children brent and I have named, and the houses we'd have... all gone?

Running away with a man who says hes going to leave his wife is absolutely stupid. I'd be an idiot to think I am enough to get him through that fear of change, yet he gives me strength to want to try, so maybe I do, Him?

Ugh my brain being pulled in many ways. My heart having been in pieces so many times now doesnt know who to go to or why. I know for certain I love Brent, is this a self gratifying moment To push me back to him? Is this the devil bringing two lost people together to ruin four people at once?or is this Fate. Fate that has seen both of us individually loosing ourselves in a life we didnt want and has brought us together to lean on one another, temporarily not?

Suppose time will tell.

Last two days he has been working a ton, and told me that tomorrow he has something he needs to talk to me about.

I assume it isnt good. I assume it is the first put off of many, because, I know I want to do the same. Part of me says I should block him right now, because lust, and attraction, both mentally and physically like that couldnt make a women addicted and that's a no good addiction when he has a women in his house with his last name. 😔