#And I've been very low contact with that person for years now - but I'm going to meet with them in the near future

[sysig]

Let’s put it all on the line, see who’s victorious (Patreon)

[evie-sturns]

ᴀᴛᴛᴇɴᴛɪᴏɴ - ᴍᴀᴛᴛ ꜱᴛᴜʀɴɪᴏʟᴏ

summary: matts been so busy with his filming schedule, that when he comes home you're basically begging for his touch for almost an hour, he finally gives in.

contains: smut, fingering, needy reader, softdom!Matt, swearing, small argument, crying.

--------------------└── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──┘----------———

matt and I have been dating for almost a year, and in the past few months, he's been so busy to the point where I've just been hanging out at his house during the day, today is one of those days. I've been touch-deprived bed rotting in Matt's room.

the front door unlocks with a bang from downstairs, i sit up in matts bed, the blankets slowly falling off my chest. "matt!?" i call out, rubbing my face.

"hey baby", matt says while walking into the room, his voice is low and croaky. he doesnt even look my way as he slumps down on his desk chair.

he throws on his headphones, instantly starting to edit the Wednesday video.

"for fucks sake." i groan quietly, throwing my head back down into the pillows.

"matt." i whine, he looks over his shoulder at me "mm?" he says, his long fingers resting on the keyboard.

"i need you.." i say, maintaining eye contact with him.

he nods, turning back around to his computer, starting to edit again.

its not even been 10 minutes before my mouth is opening again.

"matthew."

"sweetheart what is it."he says, pulling his headphones off and spinning his chair back around to face the bed.

i pout my lips, "please come here, you can edit tommorow."

"i told you it'll be a while, i know your upset but this is very important." he says in a tone that reminds me of my childhood, hes acting like my dad.

"so more important than me then hm?" i roll my eyes.

"don't be silly." he replies.

-

45 minutes later

11:29pm

i've been laying in matts sheet for almost an hour while hes been editing, hes stopped replying to me everytime i say his name now.

i let out a dramatic sigh, which of course matt pays no attention to.

"for fucks sake matt!" i raise my voice, sitting up in bed.

"what. literally what." he says, slamming his headphones down into the desk.

"look, should i even be here? should i even be with you? you've quite literally payed no attention to me for like 3 months?! am i just a fuck toy now or what."

his eyes widen "oh please." he scoffs in disbelief, he head shaking in shock.

i stay silent, i need to have a proper conversation with him for once.

he powers off his computer before standing up abrubtly. he almost stomps over to the bed before laying down next to me. "happy?" he asks, his voice monotone.

"no, im fucking not matt." i say, my voice breaking followed by a sob.

i see matts head snap round to look at me, his eyes squinting.

"are you crying- shit.. wait."

i hide my face in my hands while matt sits up, he lets out a shaky breath.

"oh fuck no please don't cry" he says, placing a hand on the side of my face. "look at me, look at me y/n." matt says sternly.

i slowly peel my hands away from my face, tears now streaming down my cheeks. matts face is painted with guilt and concern.

"sit up." he says, which i do.

he grabs both sides of my face

"i love you so fucking much, you know that." matt says softly, staring into my eyes.

i shake my head "i'm not sure i know that anymore." i sniff.

matts jaw drops slightly, a silence filling the room.

"no, no nope. please don't ever say that." he starts.

"i am insanely grateful for you, work has been piling up like crazy and i know, i know i haven't had time for other people but once i get my yesterday's problem launched everything will be calm."

i hear the front door open from downstairs, chris and nicks chatter getting louder as they walk upstairs, but matt doesn't even bat an eye as he keeps rambling on.

"you're my favorite person ever, and i know i've been a proper dick these past weeks, but tommorow i have a day off, and if you would want we could go out, or-.. just lay here the whole day i really dont mind."

i wipe my eyes, leaning foward and grabbing matts jaw, pulling him into a passionate kiss.

we both pull away to catch our breath "can i do anything for you right now? to make you feel better.." matt says gentley, playing with my hair.

i nod, "just one thing.."

he nods, "yeah?" he smiles sweetly at me.

"i don't wanna say itt.." i say, my cheeks turning red

he lets out a small laugh, “it can’t be that bad"

i grab his hand, rings decorating his pinky finger, his pointer and his thumb.

i push down all of his fingers execpt for two, the ring finger and middle finger.

matt nods understandingly “yeah?”

“yeah..” i say back.

“you’ve got to tell me with your words gorgeous.”

“i need your fingers.” i reply

“where do you need them?” he teases back.

“in.. me?”

“there you go.” matt says, a smile spread across his face.

i lay back down in the sheets, peeling my shirt off my body. matt lays down too, “can you lay on your side for me?” he says, which i do.

he turns onto his side aswell, grabbing my waist and pulling me towards his body, my bare back pressed against the soft fabric of his shirt covering his torso.

he spoons me as his hand, which is decorated in rings, snakes round to the waist band of my pyjama shorts.

i feel his chest rise and fall against my back as his hand slowly pulls down the shorts to my knees.

matt traces random shapes up the inside of my thigh, slowly getting towards where i need him most.

a pathetic moan escapes my mouth as the cold metal of his ring grazes past my hole.

i haven’t been touched in so long that the smallest touch is embarrassingly driving me crazy.

“please.” i groan out, earning a small chuckle from matt into the back of my hair.

i look down at matts hand, which is resting on my pelvic bone.

"matt please-" i start but he cuts me off "i know, can you be nice and quiet for me? chris and nick are across the hall."

i nod "yes- yeah" i instantly reply.

his two fingers dip down to my clit, he rubs it slowly, barely applying pressure.

his elbow rests on my hip as his fingers pick up the pace, i feel matts breaths from behind me as i reverse back into him more, my back and ass fully pressed against matts chest and crotch.

i feel one of his fingers push against my entrance before he presses fully inside of me, his long finger filling me up. "fuck.." i say softly.

the feeling from matt ive been craving all day is turning me into a moaning mess.

he quickly adds his second finger, curling both of them inside of me. i grip the bedsheets in front of me as he repeatedly hits my g-spot.

i slam a hand over my mouth as i feel the knot in my stomach build up.

the fact i have to be quiet is making this 10 times hotter due to the fact matt usually lets me be as loud as i need to be, which is always loud.

"god 'feel so good around my fingers." matt says, his voice hoarse from behind me.

that'll do it

the knot in my stomach snaps, my hand thats on my mouth falls down into the mattress, gripping the sheets, "fuck matt oh my god!" i scream out, clenching around his fingers.

i feel matts breaths hitch against my back, he instantly pulls his fingers out of me and covers my mouth. "shh, shush" he laughs slightly.

i catch my breath slowly as matts hands keep on my mouth.

i roll over onto my back, matts still laying on his side.

"gross" i smile, "oh shit- yeah." matt says, taking the hand which was just inside me off my mouth.

i cuddle up next to him "thank you" i whisper as i pull up the blankets.

"no- no thank you for forgiving me" he says, rubbing my arms softly.

my eyelids feel heavy, somehow tired after doing nothing all day. matts tense underneath me, i assume hes just mad at himself about earlier but then the realization hits me that hes just fingered me for a few minutes without getting anything back.

"matt" i say, sitting up and pulling the blankets down. "what?" matt says, running a hand through his hair.

i point to his sweatpants, that have a very obvious tent.

"you're hard! why didn't you tell me i could've helped?" i say, reaching for his waistband.

matt grabs my wrist, stopping me "no- no its okay, i don't want you to have to do anything for me after i've been shitty to you."

"thats gotta hurt matt cmon, its okay." i laugh slightly, resisting matts grip on my wrist.

"no, no go to sleep sweetheart it'll go away in like 5 minutes." he says with a smile, pulling the blanket back up over us and playing with my hair.

i sigh "are you sure, i dont mind helping-" he cuts me off "im sure, get some rest."

-

10 minutes later.

i sit up in bed after hearing the bathroom door slam shut. matts no longer next to me.

my eyebrows scrunch as i stand up out of bed, stumbling over to the bedroom door and opening it.

i walk down the corrider to nicks room, i open it to find him fast asleep with chris on their beanbag.

i shut their door, walking over to the bathroom door.

i slowly push it open to find matt standing over the toilet, his eyes shut and head thrown back as he repetedy runs his ringed hand up and down his length quickly.

"oh-"

matts eyes open and his head swings round to look at me "what are you doing!" he says, frantically pulling up his sweatpants.

"im sorry im sorry!" i say, slamming the bathroom door shut.

i hear the water run before matt walks out of the bathroom only a few seconds later, his cheeks are a deep red and he has small droplets of sweat on his forehead.

he smiles at me awkwardly but i instantly grab his shoulders and spin him round.

"matthew go finish up in there, you've been hard for almost half an hour."

"o-okay yep thank you." he replies instantly, speed-walking back into the bathroom eagerly, slamming the door shut behind him.

-----------------------

[ecoamerica]

Watch the American Climate Leadership Awards 2024 now: https://youtu.be/bWiW4Rp8vF0?feature=shared

The American Climate Leadership Awards 2024 broadcast recording is now available on ecoAmerica's YouTube channel for viewers to be inspired by active climate leaders. Watch to find out which finalist received the $50,000 grand prize! Hosted by Vanessa Hauc and featuring Bill McKibben and Katharine Hayhoe!

[dfortrafalgar]

Special Delivery

(Sanji x Fem!Reader- Offscreen)

Sanji reaches out to Zeff for the first time in years.

I wrote this many, many months ago now, and it was the first fic i posted anonymously on AO3. I got a few requests after it was originally posted to write a second part, which I eventually did!

You can read Part 2 here! Original AO3 link

(I figured I should let my blog breathe a little in between the really heavy and emotional Law fic im writing, and what better way to cool down than some sanji fluff <3)

A sharp squawk awoke Red-Leg Zeff from his daze. With a grumpy expression and a low grunt, he peered towards the direction of the sound.

A messenger coo was seated on the railing of the Baratie's upper deck next to where Zeff stood slouched over with his forearms leaning against the wooden support. It cocked its head to the side as if it was deconstructing Zeff's appearance before reaching into its pouch and procuring a parchment envelope. Zeff found it strange. Messenger coos only usually delivered the newspapers or the latest bounty reports, very rarely were they put in charge of personalized letters. It must have been paid off by whoever wanted this delivered.

The gruff man took the parchment from the beak of the bird and watched as it took back off into the air, leaving a few molted white feathers behind in its wake. He looked at the envelope.

All it said on the front, in very elegant handwriting, was "Captain Zeff." He flipped the paper around, revealing a wax stamp holding the opening down, which he peeled off with a calloused thumb.

Tucked neatly inside the envelope was a white piece of paper, tri-folded over itself. Zeff slipped the paper out, unfolding it to reveal the written contents of the letter. The penmanship was impeccable, and the ink was very sleek. He knew immediately it was from Sanji, not many other pirates had handwriting as good as his. He had completely lost track of how many years it had been since the curly-browed boy left with that ragtag group of pirates to sail to the Grand Line, but Zeff had every single one of his bounty posters. He'd never admit it, but they were tacked up on the wall of his sleeping quarters. Every time Sanji's bounty increased, Zeff felt pride swell in his heart.

"How are you doing, you old geezer. It's been a little too long since we've had any contact, so I thought I'd write to you just to see how you've been. You're no slouch, I'm sure you've been keeping up with the world's events over the past however-many years. Do the Marines even bother to keep sending our bounty posters to the Baratie anymore? Well, regardless, I'm sure you can read right through me. I can't deny it, I miss you, old man. I'm happier than I've ever been in my life, and such a huge part of that is thanks to you and the guys back on that old cruiser. Every recipe I try to make, I imagine you screaming in my ear and telling me that it tastes like shit. Some days I really wish I could be back there, but most of the time I'm joyful. Life has been really, really good. A few years ago, I met someone. Last year, we got married, and soon after our lives changed so drastically. She's the most beautiful woman I've ever laid eyes on, and she's as sweet as an angel. I mean it, too. I know you'd probably think something along the lines of me playing up my affections again just because she's a pretty woman, but I mean it. You'd love her, Zeff. Living as a pirate is the most stressful thing anyone could ever do, but she makes every day worth it. The crew was discussing the possibility of returning to the East Blue a bit ago, and when we do, I'm going to introduce you to her. I've spent the last years talking all about you, how you taught me everything I know about cooking, and I can tell she's just as excited as I am to finally see you. This letter's gone on long enough and I don't want to use up all of Nami's paper.

-- Sanji"

Zeff felt a lump in the back of his throat. Sanji had grown into such a fine young man, eloquent with his words and his feelings. He knew how big of a deal it was for the boy to be so honest and open. But one thing in the letter caught him off guard. What did he mean by, "Soon after our lives changed drastically."?

Zeff peered into the envelope, where another, smaller envelope was tucked inside. He almost didn't see it. Pulling it out, he held the letter and original envelope in between his fingers while he opened the second. Sanji was thorough with his packaging, that's for sure.

Inside, there were three photographs printed on thin, matted paper. The first was of Sanji and you, the wife he wrote about in his letter, taken by someone else holding the camera. Sanji had his arm around you, holding you against him, and you had your face nuzzled into his neck. His other hand held a cigarette away from the two of you, like he was in the middle of telling a story. The two of you were smiling brighter than the sun, Sanji's eyes completely closed with the motion of laughter, and yours creased, your irises looking up towards him.

The second photo made Zeff's eyes water. A photo of you and Sanji on the deck of the Sunny, exchanging rings. Sanji was wearing a sleek navy blue tuxedo, while you were wearing a gorgeous white ballgown. For pirates, you cleaned up phenomenally. He could just make out tears in Sanji's eyes as the photo displayed you sliding a band onto his finger. A skeleton with poofy hair stood between the two of you, which Zeff found a little odd, but he chuckled at the absurdity of it all.

Zeff flipped to the last photo.

The tears that were welling in his eyes from the previous image finally slid down his cheeks in heavy, salty droplets. His lip quivered.

Sanji sat in a chair, beaming down at a bundle of cloth held gently in his arm. He was crying in this photo as well, and was reaching a finger over the top of the bundle, where a smaller hand was reaching outwards to grab onto it. A small glimpse of blonde hair could be made out from under the cloth securing the baby tightly. On the back of the film, Sanji wrote the birth date and the name of the baby.

Zeff used a sleeve to wipe his blubbering eyes. His lips quivered, but he couldn't help the smile that broke out on his face.

Was he allowed to call himself a grandfather now? He figured it was only appropriate.

[skz-stay13]

Your Eyes - Bang Chan X Female Reader

AN: This is part 2 to Here Always if you haven't read it, you can find it here. I hope you all like this one I know Here Always was kind of short. It's been a while since I've written oneshots and other stories like this so please be patient with me. I'm currently in school and working on a bunch of longer works for you guys. Anyway enjoy this fluffy Channie fic!

Idol! Chan X Female Reader

Requested: Yes

Established Long Distance Relationship

Requested: Yes

Genre: Soft and Fluffy

Summary: Y/N graduates earlier than she thought and teams up with the other members to surprise Chan while they're on tour.

Y/N sent Chan a text a few hours before his show wishing him good luck like she usually did when she was away at school. She giggled before sending a text to the group chat with the other members, "Hey guys, good luck tonight! I'll see you when it's time for the surprise" The other members thanked her, and Felix sent, "Remember to lay low during the show until it's time" Y/N smiled, "Don't worry, I'll lay low, Lixie. See you later" She put her phone down and dressed for the show. She grabbed her favorite hoodie, which happened to be one of Chan's SKZ hoodies that she had taken the last time they had seen each other in person. Then she put on her ripped jeans before doing her hair and makeup nicely. Y/N was beyond excited to see Chan. It had been almost three years since they had seen each other last, and she couldn't wait to see Chan.

While she sat in her boyfriend's hotel room waiting for her ride to the show courtesy of the boys and their manager, Chan was sitting getting his makeup done, reading her text with a sad smile. Knowing why their leader was down, the boys winked at each other before proceeding to cheer up the older male. Changbin wrapped his arm around Chan's shoulder while they sat around before the show, "Don't worry, Hyung, it's only two more weeks. Then Y/N will be home for good, and you won't have to miss her so much" Chan gave him a sad smile, "Yeah, I know, but we still have six more shows to do before we go home." Felix and Changbin made eye contact across the room, smiling at each other.

Y/N arrived at the show and found her seat for the show. There were just ten minutes until the show started. She sat in her seat, bouncing her leg excitedly she couldn't wait. She had waited three years to see Chan and was just ten minutes from seeing him face-to-face. Soon the show started, and Y/N enjoyed watching her boyfriend and friends perform happily. She sang along and danced with the other stays in the crowd. When it was time for the boys to give their closing statements before the last song, Y/N was quickly brought to the back and led to Chan's dressing room to wait for him.

Chan sighed tiredly as he made his way off stage. Although he had a lot of fun performing for STAY, he still missed Y/N very much. He went to his dressing room to change into comfy clothes, so he could go back to the hotel and sleep. Y/N sat in the dressing room smiling softly when the door opened, and Chan walked in tiredly. She let him change and watched him plop down on the couch. Y/N walked up behind him and rubbed his tense shoulders softly, "Are you ready to sleep, my love?" Chan jumped up when he heard her voice turning around with a shocked expression. "Y/N? How are you here right now?" He asked, pulling her into a tight hug. "Well, I graduated earlier than expected, and the boys thought it would be a great early birthday gift if they could get me here to finish the rest of the tour with you," Y/N said happily, hugging him. Chan continued to hold her tightly while the boys came in to watch the reunion. "Suprise!" they shouted chaotically. Y/N chuckled as she pulled away to greet the boys happily. Chan whined cutely as she pulled away, "Oh hush, Channie, you'll get plenty of cuddles when we get back to the hotel. Let me give the boys their hugs too." Y/N gave the boys their hugs before their manager rushed the nine of them to the cars so they could return to the hotel.

When they reached the hotel, Chan brought Y/N to the room they'd be sharing. Chan smiled happily as he pulled her close and kissed her passionately, "God, you don't know how much I missed you" "I missed you just as much, Channie," Y/N said, kissing him back. The two pulled away to take a shower and get ready for bed. Once the two settled into bed for the night, they cuddled closely, talking awhile before falling asleep in each other's arms.

[excessive-vampires]

Dealing With Demons Chapter 6: Sad as Hell Part 2: Cee

Masterlist with CW

Taglist: @demyxdancer @softvampirewhump @d-cs

This playlist is really good. And by that I mean sad as hell.

Avi put down their book for a second. "We could listen to something else."

No, sometimes you need to feel sad.

"That's the least in-character thing I've ever heard you say."

If you don't feel down sometimes you get numb to the highs. And it's better to be sad about music than about something that actually happened.

"Hmm." They didn't pick the book back up and for a moment we just listened to the song. "This makes me glad I'm not alone right now."

Me too.

"You're still worried about Cliff, aren't you?"

What if he comes after us?

"I doubt he has the means to. And if he does then I'll kill him. I am very powerful and scary."

I wished they'd take this more seriously. Yes. Yes you are. But between him and the Bureau... we might need to... take a vacation somewhere far away.

"Once a runner always a runner, huh?"

That's a low blow.

"Only if it's true. Look, if I'm wrong and we get into some sort of trouble I'll make it up to you. But I don't think I'm wrong."

Okay. I trust you to know your own strength.

"Good. Glad that's settled."

They picked the book back up, but I didn't pay any attention to it, instead focussing on the sad, forsaken voices coming from their phone's speakers.

Then we heard something that chilled me to the bone. It was my phone's ringtone. Avi stopped the music, walked over to the bedroom, and unlocked the drawer in the nightstand. There hadn't been much I'd had the desire or the right to take with me when I left besides some of my clothes, so my collection of personal worldly possessions was pathetically small. But there was a little box of sentimental trinkets in the drawer, as well as a framed picture. And beside that there was a phone that Avi kept charged at my request. They took it out of the drawer and we looked at the message.

When I gave my sister my new phone number before I left I knew it was probably a bad idea. But I also knew I could trust her not to tell anyone, and what if there was some huge emergency involving me that she needed to let me know about? She hadn't tried to contact me once in five years. That was something I had mixed feelings about. I stared at the words on the screen.

"Aunt Bev is sick again. If you care."

"Hey, are you—"

Block me out.

"Cee—"

Block me out, Avi. Wake me up in the morning.

"Okay."

And then the world went away. It was like being half-asleep unless I focussed, and I didn't want to focus. I just let myself drift.

My mind floated back to the scene immortalized in the picture frame next to where my phone had been. My young smiling face, Bev's tattooed arm around my shoulders, a plate of christmas cookies stolen from the kitchen in the background.

I knew that Avi would take me to go see her and let me say goodbye if I asked. I wasn't going to ask. I couldn't. I made my choice a long time ago and burned every single bridge I had in the process.

But out of everyone, Bev was the only one I'd almost said goodbye to in person when I left. I knew I'd outlive her, hell I'd outlive everyone now barring outside intervention, I didn't age while possessed. I thought I was ready. I thought I'd already let everything from that life go.

I was wrong.

[aromanticbuck]

Mousestead, "I'm incapable of love."

I saw an opportunity to write demi-romantic!Mouse so I'm doing it, with some platonic Moustead. also it's an AU where he got to be at the Upstead wedding because it's what I, personally, deserved. also I don't know how to stop at five sentences.

"I'm incapable of love."

Jay rolled his eyes at the comment and the smirk that came with it. All he'd asked was when he would get to return the favor from the month before, get to be the best man at a wedding - since Adam certainly wasn't going to ask him, not with Kevin as an option, and he still had to actually ask the question before that kind of decision could be made.

His only hope to put on a suit without all of the pressure of an eternal vow was the person who had been his own best man, who had stood next to him while he promised himself to Hailey for the rest of their joint lives. Maybe he should have expected the cheeky response, the unnecessary reminder that Mouse had never had a relationship, let alone one serious enough to warrant the sound of wedding bells. He'd always been all too happy to be casual, wearing shirts that didn't belong to him around the district, going out to clubs and listening to loud music while hitting on the first attractive man he saw. Even at his bachelor party, Jay had watched while Mouse bought a drink for a guy at the next table over, making those eyes that got him anything and everything he wanted.

But that had to stop sometime, right? He couldn't just have casual hookups forever.

"You are not incapable of love." It had taken a moment for him to find the right words, the bottle of beer in his hand less refreshingly cold than it had been when he first took it out of the fridge. "You just refuse to consider taking something more seriously than a night of sex. You wore that same shirt yesterday, by the way."

Mouse rolled his eyes and took a drink from his own bottle, suddenly avoiding eye contact. Discussing his extended slut phase had never been off limits before. He'd always seemed to feed into the jokes, or make them himself, and his laughter about it was always genuine. But something had shifted in the air between them, like they weren't joking about it anymore. And that was fine - he just needed to know what the new tone of the conversation was.

"Yeah... maybe it is something like that..."

Jay bit his tongue and tried to be patient, letting the quiet hang between them. Maybe, if he waited, Mouse would open up about his thoughts on his own. But almost a whole minute passed, and it was clear that wasn't going to happen. So, with his voice gentle and low, he risked prompting for more instead. "Or...?"

"Or... what if I am incapable of love? I mean..." It worked, at least, inspiring Mouse to actually share his thoughts, even if they were a bit jumbled. "Not entirely incapable, because I do love things. I love my job, and my life, and where I've ended up. And I love my friendship with you. But the romantic, sappy shit, like what you and Hailey have? It's been a long time since I thought I'd have anything like that. It's..."

"Not feeling something right now doesn't mean you're never gonna feel it-"

"I know." Mouse wasn't making eye contact, but his smile was small, and soft, and genuine. That was enough. "I'm not saying never. Someone could come along and surprise me. But I... I figured some stuff out? When I was in Atlanta last year? Like... I'm happy, you know? Doing my casual thing, not making any commitments, just going with the flow. I like it. Anything more than that... it's not me. There's a difference - sexual attraction, romantic attraction, they're not the same thing. I'm very gay, still, I'm not taking that back or anything. But..."

Jay shook his head and shifted in his seat, getting comfortable and making sure he looked it on the outside, too. They hadn't had a conversation, about that label, not one that either of them were happy with. It had been sprung on him with no warning in the middle of brunch, an embarrassing scene that they had to try to ignore while their friendship only got stronger. And it wasn't like Jay had ever felt the need to declare his realization when it wasn't relevant, and his own makeshift coming out had been through a bad pun he hadn't been able to resist. Actually getting to talk about things, on their own terms, that was practically brand new. He wanted to appreciate it for all the times he didn't get to.

"Another label. Are you collecting them, or something? Are you going to trade them in for a prize later?" He sipped from his beer with a smile - not a smirk, even if it would match the tone of his teasing, because that wasn't what he wanted. This was supposed to be a good moment, not a taunting one. "Alright, hit me. What am I going to pretend to understand and then go google as soon as you leave?"

He got a scoff in return, and a laugh that made him feel warm. That sound was absent from brunch, and far too long afterwards, and it was a nice change. "Yeah, okay. You know what asexuality is, right?"

"I do remember that one in my research, yes."

"Right, so... it's kind of like that? But with romantic attraction. It's called aromantic."

"And that's what you are? That's the new label?"

"Not exactly." They were both quiet long enough to take another drink, comfortable in it. They could always be comfortable in each other's quiet, and sometimes the heavier conversations needed it. This one did, even if it was brief. "Aromantic is kind of its own umbrella. Lots of things fall under it. Like how gay means gay, and bi, and every other thing you can think of? I'm... somewhere under that umbrella, leaning more in one direction than others."

"So, what am I googling when you go home later?"

Mouse sighed, but it was fond, and his smile was bigger. He didn't have to say it, that he appreciated how light the conversation still was after the first time, after they didn't get to be light and silly or say things on their own schedule. It was different in the best way, even if it took a decade to get there.

"Demiromantic. I'll text it to you so you know how to spell it."

"Doesn't seem too difficult."

"That's your third beer."

"What's your point?"

"I'll just text it to your wife."

[ send me a ship + 1 sentence and I'll write the next 5 ]

[m1d-45]

sorry i've been mia i was busy rizzing up the kaeya and diluc ais. anyways imagine reverse isekai with ur main. i personally would have a blast being able to talk about minecraft and mystery flesh pit national park and warrior cats with people who do not even have the internet.

also my diluc and kaeya plushes arrived and now i need to make clothes for them so they won't be naked but i have to make sure they have an equal amount of clothes with an equal amount of effort put into them so that it doesn't seem like i'm favoring one brother over the other (this is the same reason why i bought the diluc and kaeya plushes together in the first place) - teddy anon

1) it’s ok 2) kaeya ai? 3) this idea oml

aside from the fact that showing them all the weird and obscure shit in our world would make them lose their minds (speaking of nobody tell them about organized religion. barbatos is surprised ppl follow him after a few hundred years of no contact well look at this right here-) they’d be fascinated with how you control them.

i imagine they wouldn’t appear in game, and you couldn’t like use them for anything. makes logical sense to me.

if you’re like me and struggle to form teams at all, let alone ones without your One Good Built Character, they’re borderline going to be apologetic at seeing how you struggle. part of them is proud they’re so needed, but the other part is sort of sad.

i literally only run teams w/o kazuha for the abyss because his playstyle and the team i run for everything else is so ingrained in my head. i genuinely struggle if i don’t have an anemo character on my team and always fumble for a while if it doesn’t have kaz because it’s like i forget i don’t have him. it’s a problem—

if you’re not dependent on a single element like i am, they love seeing you work around them. it’s simple, you explain, swapping to an alternate team, and they watch in awe at how easily you adapt to change. they marvel at reactions they haven’t seen, at how much this new team differs from the one with them in it.

if you try and show them how to, they’ll immediately insist that they’re fine watching, that they wouldn’t dare touch such a holy object or manipulate teyvat in your stead.

for some, this is true. for others, they’ll cave with enough pressure.

itto treats your controls with the most delicate care, very gentle with everything as to not break it. not really prone to gamer rage, more so just “your grace, i can’t figure this out :(“ and watching over your shoulder as he promises “ok, i’ve got it this time, swear!” he doesn’t, but the smile on your face as you watch him die for the nth time soothes any anger he feels. refuses to kill rifthounds btw.

mona doesn’t know anything. you could tell her sixteen times how to access the inventory and she’s still asking you which button it is. don’t tell her about the wishing system she’ll quite literally lose her shit. she doesn’t understand the value of items like dream solvent but refuses to spend even a single coin of your mora or your food. collects her own ingredients and keeps track to cook her own food because “i wouldn’t want anyone else touching what’s mine.” pls tell her it’s ok and losing some of your 2k sweet flowers isn’t the end of the world.

ayato wouldn’t directly play, but he does sit beside you and offer semi-functional ideas. “run a team with x y z characters,” “fight this boss without the element it’s vulnerable to/full physical damage,” “take on this enemy without a healer,” etc etc. he likes seeing you solve problems, and likes watching you explore. if you have low mora he’s incredibly confused, but doesn’t comment on it once he sees how much it is to level a talent or ascend someone. if you have like 7mil mora and go “why do i have so little :(“ he’s asking a few more questions, but overall is silent about it. you don’t have a job in teyvat, and get most of your money from chests or leylines. it makes sense you guys would view mora differently.

alhaitham doesn’t touch your device, but kaveh (yes he isn’t out at time of writing no i didn’t ask) could be convinced into exploring a bit. he refuses to engage in combat and always uses his glider, never dropping more than a second or two at a time. panicks if your characters get hurt at all and either runs to a statue of the seven (give him time, he forgets he can teleport) or triggers your healers skill. if you run a character that has hp drain he’s flipping his shit and either demanding to know how to change the team so they don’t get hurt or runs them and three separate characters. loses his shit when you tell him about the teapot. that’s all he does now lmao.

zhongli will tap at stuff a bit, get a hold of the general game, and then just. not play. you tell him he can do commissions if he wants or run domains and he shakes his head, “i will not interfere with a world i don’t own.” so silly. doesn’t understand why shops don’t give you stuff for free. speculates on how monsters dying gives you mora. refers to everything by their full names no matter what silly nicknames you have for anything. if you have a well-decorated teapot/generally take care to plant stuff or collect realm bounties or similar, he’s happy. if you mostly neglect it, he’s asking why. it’s an adeptal art, and he needs to know if it isn’t satisfactory.

yae would love to manipulate a world of her own, but the knowledge that the world you control is real and has real actions is a bit too much. yelan asks to see, but only because she wants to know what you’re on about when you talk about lag, ping, or hitting the wrong button. finds it funny even gods can mess up. yanfei fusses over whether she should even be allowed because of like divine right to rule and whether her interference counts as idolatry since she’d technically be playing god. you let her worry about it in the corner and don’t ask questions about where she pulled that giant book of law from.

if you allow him to, venti sits in your lap while you play. he’s very much just a guy that’ll sit with you and maybe play his lyre if you’re getting frustrated, and adores the ingame soundtrack. give him youtube and point him in the direction of the ost and he’ll obsess over it. within a week he has everything memorized and has composed at least three ballads about ‘the song of the heavens’. wont actually do anything directly, but if you’re running abyss and ask him for suggestions on fun team comps, he’s already got ideas. is a bit unnerved at first if he recognizes some of the people on screen, but rationalizes it quickly enough. if you’re like me and leave your characters sitting at a bench or table before logging off, he insists you sit them in the statue in mond.

neither childe or scara even entertain the idea that they’d be allowed to use your device, and just kinda watches from the side. scara laughs a bit if you get hit by an enemy. childe asks about what his build is prior to his vanishing and probably studies meta and like crit ratios and stuff (no i don’t know what meta qualifies as yes i’m just sayin shit). xiao’s worried his karma could infect through the screen, and wouldn’t dare suggest anything. if you’re doing it, it’s good, if you’re not, you have a reason. ask for his opinion and he’ll bluescreen.

[fiaer]

    ❝    𝐁𝐄𝐓𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐋𝐄𝐓 𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐒𝐄 𝐅𝐔𝐂𝐊𝐄𝐑𝐒 𝐊𝐍𝐎𝐖 𝐈'𝐌 𝐁𝐀𝐂𝐊    ,    &.    𝐈'𝐌 𝐍𝐎𝐓 𝐀𝐋𝐎𝐍𝐄    .

    𝐃𝐢𝐩𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐨 𝐭𝐨𝐩𝐢𝐜𝐬 𝐨𝐟 ,  𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐥𝐢𝐦𝐢𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 ;      religious horror ,  gore ,  violence ,  loneliness ,  blood lust ,  descriptive nudity  &.  sexuality ,  death ,  depression ,  sadness  &.  sorrow , love's lost      ⋯      among other subjects not suited for the under developed ,  or highly sensitive .

More info. can be found below the cut   ―

𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐘 𝐂𝐋𝐎𝐒𝐄 𝐓𝐎 𝐌𝐀𝐌𝐀 𝐊.

**Karlach is selective multiship, with my wife's Shadowheart being the canon relationship to this blog. On this topic, I write Karlach as a lesbian (insert list of reasons here, that I'm not obligated to share). If this brings issue, the block button exists. & I will delete/block anons I receive.**

Karlach Cliffgate's Profile ->

I've been in the roleplay scene since late 2012, under various blogs/fandoms. I know most of how things work & how tense some parts can be. I wish to take no part in it, be it drama, call-outs, etc. Personal affairs between others, I also stray far away from. I simply want to enjoy this hobby among friends & new comers. Anyone who brings something on the table that may be distasteful in nature, or what have you, will just be blocked. Simple as that ...

However, I am a friendly person and open to writing with anyone. Just be a decent person, don't be a dick to me or those close to me and we're golden.

I'd like to state, I will be 'mutuals-only' on this blog. & I don't plan to curate a super huge following here, either. More on 'the why' can be seen in the Activity Status section.

I like to give my own sort of twist to canon characters, to make them somewhat more unique/my own interpretation. So, expect that from me.

Dark topics may be and will be explored here; such as mature language, religious corruption, cult references, descriptive sex & nudity, blood, gore, & other general dark topics. And though I know inc3st is something popular written in fandom, it is most definitely not something I'm going to, or even want to, write out. So, please don't pursue me under the impression that I'll write something like that with you.

The activity status of this blog will be permanently labeled as 'semi-active'. Which means, that I'll be mostly lurking rather than regularly posting or engaging for now. I will remain “flaky” in terms of staying in contact with others. The best way to talk would be discord, as I don’t have notifications for Tumblr enabled. This may change in the future, but with life as it is - Karlach's blog, or roleplay at all - won't be such a high priority of mine.

I tend to block others for a list of reasons, ranging from not wishing to be mutuals - to the very fact you're friends/heavily interact with someone who's brought me or my loved ones grief. I rather not bring personal issues to a stranger, so blocking is my go to.

I will list divergences of my interpretation of Karlach. Sometimes, I do not share all, because low energy & my main writing partners already know what's going on. However, one I will list here, is that Karlach is a devil, & with her abilities by using a Soul Coin, her hair turns white.

As for the writer of this blog, my name is Archeon, "Ark", 1995 is my birth year. If I bother you in anyway, block me and be on your way. Whatever protects your space.~ :)

Special notes** i.    I am against users who create art or writing/roleplay responses with the use of AI, or artificial intelligence. Please refer to this post for further info -> ii. All graphics/caps/etc. are of my own creation.

If you've made it down here, thanks for reading and I look forward to writing or chatting together.

[chemicalpink]

ଘ(´•×•)⊃━☆ a (not so brief) life update

In case you've been wondering where I've been cause by now we all know I tend to just disappear.

A few days ago I felt like oversharing a bit for anyone interested, I feel like getting to this point of sharing is due and will allow me to stop this irrational fear of the internet that I have somehow developed as it tallies to my accountability on this blog.

So hang tight! Cause this is about to be a wild ride...

I'm not regressing to the very beginning cause this isn't about to be a therapy session but I will go back to the near beginnings of this account during the pandemic.

A little before lockdown as I was asked to collaborate as a customs specialist for a pop-up store (which then I found out to be BTS') so I got into them after my job was done. A bit after going down the rabbit hole I started this blog, without very much planning into it, just merely creating a safe space for the people with whom could potentially like the same things I did.

A few months into it, as a last year International Relations student on my way to law school, and with a bit of sleep deprived courage, I applied for an internship at BH online, not expecting much since I barely knew Korean and was most definitely stuck at home in a whole different continent. But things surprisingly worked out, I didn't get paid at all but it was a great learning experience. BH became HB and I got to experience that from the inside, my day went like this: school from 7am to 5 pm and work from 9pm to 3am (sometimes more)

I obviously never got to work directly with any idols, my work was merely global and very much law related. Customs, contracts, negotiations with international enterprises. When the lockdown was done with, I was asked to move and become a permanent worker of theirs, so I did. However, it involved a lot of moving around so I wasn't exactly based anywhere and living costs are quite a thing. During this time I was also profiling myself as a diplomat, so it was in all of our best interests that I became outsourced.

Which brings us to a timeline closer to the present, the person that was in charge of contacting me for the gigs that I used to do for them suddenly quit and while I'm sure they were doing whatever was best for them, left me fending for myself during may-june. I came back home with my parents during june-july and networked for a bit– at least enough to regroup my possibilities so during august-september I was allowed to staff and collaborate (on a lower level) on some big concerts/tours.

During this time however (july-september) I was mostly reliant on my parents and coincidentally, their work slowed down by a lot. The rather small amount of money I got from working here and there was spent on my medical treatment (during july my doctor let me know that I needed to get diagnosed properly for lupus and by august my treatment costs were up by a lot) I tried picking up freelance tutoring (a pain, truly) and other small hustles that didn't require me to tire myself out too much since most of my days I spent aching all over, while also caring for my mother who had to have an emergency glaucoma surgery.

Oh and I cried and felt miserable during my birthday so.

I believe that's where we are at. I can't exactly get a job since I need to apply to an unpaid internship in order to graduate law school but I can't apply for an internship because one of my teachers just suddenly decided to fail me in their class (which means I need to pass it first) so I try to get by with small, low commitment hustles and now I'm picking up more seriously my ko-fi content. Which is why, I haven't been on here.

Those damned retrogrades hit me good ngl.

I do want to say though, I am not in a state of emergency, however, I am not living comfortably, but I'm trying my best to pick myself up and be nice to myself with the decisions I make and actions I take by the minute. While also trying to save up to go visit my 17 year old sister that has just moved away to study medicine.

I am grateful for what I have and I cherish you all that have remained close to me (even in this infinite nothingness that is the internet) and I hope you've been treating yourselves kindly during this time. If you'll have me, let's navigate the rest of the year together.

If this gains a lot of traction, I'm privating it lmao. I have no issue now talking about it since I'm no longer working there but I made those NDAs myself so I know what I'm up to.

[aintgonnatakethis]

for the WIP game:

Cupiosexual James Bond - June: Mermaids

What Big Teeth You Have

Thanks for the ask! 😄

Cupiosexual James Bond - June: Mermaids

Part of The Aspec Year challenge, which I'd encourage everyone to get involved in, as the world needs more aspec writing! I've written a decent amount of ace and aro characters, so was wondering about microlabels, as I myself identify as aegosexual. I found cupiosexual, which means someone who doesn't experience sexual attraction but still wants sexual relationship and my brain instantly matched it up with Bond.

There's definitely a discussion to be had around him having had sexual attraction at one point, but due to the frankly abusive job he has to endure on a daily basis, he no longer does. Bodies being a tool is something I've talked about a lot for other characters (specifically David Telford from SGU) and the damage it does to a person's psyche, where they begin to view themselves as a tool and not even a person… Yeah, that's the good shit!

I'm not sure if I'll be going the angst route with this fic - it's my aim but you know how The Characters can be! Anyway I've started it off with Bond bringing Q gifts from his deployments, as I can never get enough of that idea.

It had started roughly six months ago, gifts beginning to appear on Q's desk without anything attached that could give him a clue as to who his sudden benefactor was. There didn't appear to be a pattern in temperament or price. A stuffed elephant one time, a box of the finest Cuban cigars the next, followed by a Newton's cradle with tiny cats hanging off the outermost balls, followed by a puzzle box intricate enough to flummox Q for a record two days - a flattened Roman coin inside - followed by a gigantic cat tree, still contained in its four large boxes. Q had questioned his staff and actually believed them when they swore they hadn't seen who'd left them, even if it seemed nigh on impossible to smuggle so many metre-and-a-half square boxes through the bowels of MI6 without anyone noticing.

What Big Teeth You Have

I've already discussed this one a bit here, but the Telford werewolf idea is an idea completely owned by @judgeverse and I'm merely borrowing it! As I talked about how it ended up in the cracky side of things on the other ask, here I'll post what I was aiming for when I started: some homoerotic violence!

Young's eyes flashed dangerously, his voice very low when he next spoke. "You get one chance to leave under your own power." The back of Rush's neck prickled with warning, but he found himself incapable of backing away from the challenge laid in front of him. Young didn't respect him as it was, and he never would if Rush turned tail and ran now. He jutted his chin out. "You're not going to touch me." Without breaking eye contact, Young dropped his pile of blankets to the side with a thump. A moment later an answering thud came from behind Telford's door, which Rush had a scant few seconds to wonder about before Young planted both hands into his chest and shoved him roughly backwards, sending him crashing to the floor in a wild tangle of limbs. Rush gasped for breath, taken off guard and winded by the sudden attack. He couldn't believe one of the soldiers had actually laid hands on him! He'd been assured by Doctor Jackson that things were different within the programme as compared to the military industrial complex at large. He'd said sure, they can be brusque and stubborn when it comes to what they believe, but we're very strict on who we let into the program. Jack's never put a finger on me. They're good guys.

These two men brawling until they're both bloody and gasping for breath? 😍 They're made for it tbh.

WIP game

[sage-nebula]

I've written about Tails' backstory before, so now I'm thinking about Sonic's. Unlike Tails, I think that Sonic's parents are still alive. They just don't want anything to do with him.

It's nothing personal, exactly. It's just—you know how some people think that life has given them a checklist they have to follow, like, graduate, get married, have kids? That's what his parents did. They were pretty young still, just barely adults, and they had a kid because that's just what people do. They grow up, fall in love, get married, have kids. That's another milestone checked off, they're making great progress.

Except as often happens in these situations, these two hedgehogs weren't cut out to be parents. Or maybe they could have been decent parents to a normal kid, but Sonic is not and has never been a normal kid.

To say that he was a little hell raiser is an understatement. All kids are energetic and like to get into things, but he was energetic and liked to get into things with super speed, which his parents very decidedly did not have. Who knows how or why their child was born with super speed, certainly not them, but they weren't equipped to handle it. The house was a mess every single day. He was constantly running—literally running, as soon as he could walk or run upright—off. And after a couple years of this, his exhausted and stressed out young parents were like, okay, you know what? If he wants to Get Gone so badly, he can Go. That's fine with them.

So what they did was, they took him to South Island. He was maybe four? And they dropped him off there and were like, go on! Have fun! And Sonic, being four and full of energy after a really boring boat ride, took off immediately. Just sped off into Green Hill Zone. And his parents looked at each other.

"If he's not back in fifteen minutes we're legally allowed to leave, right?" his dad asked.

"I don't think so," his mom said, "but no one's around to see it, so . . ."

So they left. And sometimes they felt guilty about it and wondered what happened to him, especially when news broke of Dr Robotnik attacking the island. But mostly, they were just very relieved to no longer have a kid to worry about.

Of course, Sonic's exploits would make the news over time. Sonic remembered that his name was Sonic, even though he didn't really remember his parents, so his name was the same and they would have recognized him anyway. There aren't many blue hedgehogs the exact age of their abandoned child with super speed, after all. But while they low-fived each other on producing a child that ended up being a world-renowned hero . . . they also had no desire to make contact again. If anything, he's even more of a little hellion now. They have enough common sense to know that trying to parent him would do nothing but cause them an immense amount of stress and financial strain. Also, he's fine! He's a hero! Clearly he has done just fine without them, they have no reason to feel guilty anymore. And if they run into him in Station Square, no they didn't, they're very pointedly looking in the other direction.

Not that it matters. He barely remembers them. And they aren't wrong that he doesn't need parents; he was happy to explore South Island, and when he went back to where they were and found them and the boat gone, his immediate reaction was, "Cool, now I get to run around some more!" figuring they'd be back at some point. And then they weren't . . . but the flickies and rickies helped him find food, and he was able to find shelter, and the loop-de-loops were REALLY fun to race around on, so . . . it was fine. If anything, now that he didn't have someone always telling him "no" and "stop" and "go sit in Time Out for the tenth time today for breaking yet another thing with your super speed" he was much happier.

So although Sonic wouldn't recognize them either, if he did . . . he would also look in the other direction, not wanting them to see him. Lots of avoided eye contact here. And his parents probably did not have any other children, because what if they turned out like Sonic? They couldn't take that risk, and living the Dual Income, No Kids life suited them much better anyway.

So that's the story. His parents are alive . . . somewhere . . . and they are steadfastly pretending they never had a kid, what, you must have mixed them up with someone else (though their genes together could produce a superhero just saying they know it's true but don't ask them how they know this). And Sonic doesn't remember what happened to his parents, and that's fine by him. Tails is the only family he needs, anyway.

[ill-be-istj-if-no-one-else-is]

Hi Em, I was wondering if you can help me figure out my mbti please. First of all I want to say I'm glad you're still around here bc I left for a couple of years and now can barely find active typology blogs. A few years ago I was very chaotic and unhealthy and you told me to come back to typology when I had more life experiences and my brain was fully developed so now that i'm 25 years old I'm back. I think i'm an NFP but i'd like you to confirm that or suggest another type please. (1/7)

One of my biggest struggles during my adult years has been career wise. Right now I'm a new grad nurse and i chose this career because it was supposed to give stability plus i was told it was one of those careers that were going to keep growing in demand. But it burned me out too much and i hated every second of it. I only stayed in it because it aligned with my values of helping people for a living. Now i'm thinking of going into debt to study a second career that is not so stable but i'm passionate about (psychology) bc i have something to fall back on financially anyways. I have other options like going into business, law, linguistics, and i can't make up my mind. All the feedback i've gotten from others is that i'm not much of a practical person. I thought i was just having some sort of midlife crisis but apparently is not normal. I think this suggests lower Te? (2/7)

Another thing that to me suggests low te is during my college years I struggled a lot with discipline and organization. It took me a lot of effort to take up my gpa, had to follow a lot of studyblr tips lol and strict rules to achieve that. I think I have Fi because my values are very important to me, to the point that I disrupt the environment, I'm the talk about abortion in family dinners ruinning the mood kind of person. And although I love people I struggle with being inauthentic and pretending to like someone when I don't (3/7)

I'm very much of a textbook introvert, shy and get drained when spending a whole day with a group of people and need too much alone time. But also in relationships i've struggled with being codependent and it sounds contradictory but i can't bear to be without them more than a week, I enjoy speaking out about my ideas and even in my "alone time" I contact internet friends to talk about the things that interest me (4/7)

The function that I struggle relating to is Ne due to lack of creativity and brainstorming abilities. I know Ne is more than that but I think I use it more in an unhealthy way? Like daydreaming to escape from my problems, being unable to stick to only one life path like the career example I gave above, feeling stressed after too many years of routine and wanting to leave everything behind. Oh but when my boss asks me to come up with creative ways to talk about STDS with my patients, i can't really come up with anything. I enjoy abstract conversations (about philosophy and spirituality / esoteric stuff mostly) and get bored in normal day to day conversations with my peers. But in my job i prefer something that is practical and doesn't require much brainstorming (5/7)

I think I have lower Si because I struggle a lot with letting go of the past ways of doing things, very catastrophic thinking of "I tried this before and it didn't work so it's not going to work now". Also trouble forgetting people, way more than normal. I like routines and I get stressed when my environment changes too much. But i'm not exactly a structured person, I'm up to last minute plans (6/7)

Finally I don't think I have Se just because I'm very disconnected from my environment in a extreme way, i'm the type of person that falls a lot due to not noticing obstacles in the way, not noticing when the shower is steaming hot until many minutes later when my skin is burning, etc. And Ni thinking is very linear for me, I feel like I very much have a monkey brain and can't stick to only one idea. Can you please help me? I hope this was not too long thank you! (7/7)

----

So I must admit, this is still pretty chaotic and it feels like it focuses largely on weaknesses, rather than strengths, which still makes you difficult to type. While I am (still) not a mental health professional, my first thought is whether you've ever been tested for ADHD or similar just because you talk about wanting a stable, practical, uncreative job and enjoying routines, but also being forgetful, unaware of your surroundings, and not being pragmatic as a person. While it's entirely reasonable for a high Ne user to want stability in what they do, healthy high Ne would likely gravitate towards a stable job with some degree of brainstorming involved. Jobs like nursing, in fact, are often good for perceivers because it involves a lot of variety and spontaneity while still being a dependable career - though naturally not all perceivers would be happy as nurses.

I do think feeling seems reasonable, as does high Fi, but I am actually stuck on Se vs. Ne since either way it would be unhealthy. It almost sounds a little like an Fi-Ni loop to me - your feelings informing your idea of what your life should be without strong external input, an aimless desire for spontaneity but difficulty engaging with it mentally. But I would also at least take a hard look at ADHD, depending on how intensely your life is impacted.

[blubushie]

do you stim and if so how? sorry if that's personal, i do and i'm curious how others stim

No wukkas mate, you're fine!

I don't stim in any way that's really noticeable.

In the past few months I've been gradually willing myself into breaking my dermatophagia habits. I used to obsessively bite my nails and the skin around my nails in addition to picking at them. I've been doing this since I was about three and I reckon it started because my nails used to be so long that they were outright uncomfortable and I started mutilating them to get rid of that feeling (this is speculation, but I think it's what happened because the longer they are, the higher my drive to bite them).

I still relapse and bite sometimes when I zone out but I usually catch myself before I end up biting them so low that you can tell they've been bitten. My nails have come a very long way from what they looked like a few years ago and I'll admit it's definitely something I'm very self-conscious about since they were so short they bled sometimes and I got made fun of it a lot when I was in school.

Right now the longest is my left thumb. The only nails I have short (and plan to keep at their current length) are my trigger and middle fingers on my left hand for reasons. Mostly for work though—if the trigger finger is long I'm worried about bumping my rifle because she's a hair trigger and having her fire before I'm ready.

Sometimes when I'm focused on something that doesn't require my hands, I'll rub the pad of my trigger finger over the edge of my thumb nail but I only do this on my left hand and I reckon I'll stop once I get used to the feeling of having a long nail there. For the first time since I was around 5 my nail is growing away from the bed and I can feel the edge of the nail when I touch the tip of my thumb and that hasn't happened for about 17 years so it's gonna take some getting used to.

Any other stimming I have isn't noticeable as stimming and usually just passed off as Bloke Shit. I scratch the left side of my jaw when I'm nervous, I scratch the back of my neck and won't make eye contact when I'm embarrassed or flustered, I scratch my right sideburn when I'm thinking about something. If I'm really nervous because there's a lot of people around I rub my thumb over the corkscrew on my pocketknife or I go through ny keyring while it's in my vest. All of this is funny to me because I use my right hand for these things despite being left-handed.

If I'm holding a knife sometimes I'll brush the sharp edge across the pad of my right thumb when I'm thinking about something. I don't make a habit of handling knives unless I'm using them, so this only happens when someone starts talking to me or I'm whittling and start zoning out.

I chew the inside of my lip/cheeks a lot. It's worse when I'm really anxious/in a high-stress situatiation and I once had to go to hospital because I was being yelled at by a teacher and almost chewed a hole all the way through to the front. I had to get two stitches and the teacher noticed because I couldn't swallow the blood in time (I also later threw up most of that blood at hospital).

Nowadays I mostly keep the oral stimming under wraps with things people wouldn't recognise as stimming unless you know me personally. I chew jerky for ten minutes at a time until it's soft. I smoke. I suck on TicTacs. I put a toothpick between my lips and roll that back and forth. I chew on clover or kangaroo grass.

I want to make a point that these only happen around people. I chainsmoke in cities. The more people there are, the worst I am. If I'm sitting outside a pub I'm probably smoking. If I'm inside a pub I'm sitting in a corner by myself and peoplewatching. I don't sit at the bar because people can come up behind me where I can't see but if I'm having a rougher evening I'll stand with my back against the bar and spin a yarn with the bartender if I know him.

If I'm by myself I don't do any of this shit aside from rubbing my thumb nail. It only happens around people (probably because I'm antisocial and people make me very nervous).

All this is to say I don't stim in ways people notice. I probably have some stims that I've never actually realised I'm doing or noticed as stims. Some of the behaviours I've picked up from my dad who aside from PTSD is neurotypical—for example, Dad also fidgets with his keys when he's thinking about something.

I think it's less a matter of stim and possibly just me having busy hands. I always have to be doing something and it's hard for me to ever really relax. I've never successfully meditated for example and the only time I get the clearheaded effect meditation is supposed to provide is when I'm looking down a scope, so there's that. Work is prayer.

[mental-health-advice]

Hi, I'm really discouraged with therapy. Over the last 2 years I've really wanted to start therapy/ figure myself out and look into diagnosis for certain suspected neuro-divergenceys. At the start I could afford therapy and didn't have a working car to even get there, so I tried talking to my doctors office and I was really given a run around and no one would really explain to me what I had to do/ how to reach the criteria to get an certain referrals. I just kept talking to people that would tell me one thing and then a completely different thing and when I'd ask for a step by step they'd tell me its not their responsibility to know. And it really felt like they just didn't want to help/cared enough to just explain it to me. I got really disappointed and then stuff in my life got really hectic and the idea of therapy and stuff took a back burner and it just seemed like with the stress of everything I mentally just got worse. A few months ago I was finally in a place where I could afford in person therapy ( I can't deal with tech therapy, I can't focus so it has to be in person sadly) with my insurance finally giving me a referral and a list of therapists to contact. And I tried, I emailed and called every single one, every one of them completely ignored me but one and when I tried to set up an appointment with that one she never responded to me again. I tried multiple times to get into contact with any of them but no luck. And now its been like 3 months since I got approved from my insurance and I now don't have the time to try again and I'm afraid my insurance will revok the approval and not want to pay since I wasn't able to take advantage of it and I won't be for quite some time. Do you have any advice on how I should proceed? I'm so overwhelmed and I can't really tell most of the people around me what's up because they're all dealing with health or mental issues and I've been stuck playing therapist with a lot of them ( I really do care about them all and want to help but I'm a very low empathetic person and so I'm better with the rational side of solving problems not the comforting side) it's all really draining me, I hate being someone's go to person when they're in a bad place, and I know that's such a selfish messed up thing to say but it just makes my skin crawl and I just want to tear myself apart. I hate that I know their in a bad place but the continued telling me of all the self destructive behaviors they all have and the now lack of trying to change it is (and I don't know how to put this in nicer terms) annoying me. I'm not a therapist, I can only tell someone so many times that what they're doing is harmful and if they don't care because they want to hurt them I don't know how I can help?? I try, I really do and I know I'll keep trying to be there for them cause I know for a lot of them I'm the only person they can tell everything too. And I know it's what they need and that's okay but I'm so damn frayed and I have my own shit that I'm trying to navigate in addition to all the add ons, I get that I'm not as bad off as them. I don't have the copious amounts of trauma and I'm not directly suicidal and I don't want to actively hurt myself and I'm not hurting as much as them and I've been very lucky in life but I just want to be my version of okay. I want help, I want to not dread every day, to wake up tired and out of energy, I want to be okay... I get that, don't I?

Hey there,

I am so sorry that when you were able to and had access to receiving help and support for yourself that things didn’t go well at all in regards to therapists not getting back or replying to you. Unfortunately, sometimes therapists are really overworked and can get side tracked a lot or have their books full that they may not remember or have the capacity to take on another client. I am not in any way condoning the response or lack of from the therapists that you did contact as at the very least they should have said if they could take you on as a client or not, but sometimes you do have to be a bit pushy and keep contacting them until they do reply. You don’t have to do this in a malicious way, but by continuously contacting them and simply saying something like “Hi, I got in contact with you ‘x amount of time ago’ but I have yet to hear back from you. I was wondering if you could please contact me and let me know if you could take me on as a client or at the very least point me in the direction on someone who may be able to help me”. I do acknowledge that your insurance can only cover you to see particular therapists, but maybe if you could let them know that you haven’t had any luck with any of the names they gave you, then if it could be possible for you to see ‘x’ instead, and give them this person’s details. It may be a long shot but you never know if you will be given the green light to see someone else unless you ask and especially if you do not hear back from the list of therapists that they gave you details of.   

It can definitely be so draining when we are supporting others when we are needing that help and support for ourselves. This is not a selfish thought to have or feel either, everyone deserves to be heard and have someone be there for them, but at the same time it’s more than OK to let your friends know that you are unable to be there for them as you need to put yourself first and look after you! Let them know (if you can) of other supports that they may be able to access like therapy if they are not yet receiving any, or letting them know they can always contact a counsellor from either a helpline or on web counselling. Let them know they can also reach out to us if necessary and that even though you are not able to support them as much as you would like to personally, you have given them some ideas on where else they may be able to get such help/ support. It’s also really important that you know that you can only do so much for others, but in the end, it is up to them to put plans into action and that although they may have support from others or those around them, only they can make the changes to help themselves in the end when they feel ready to do so.  

You mentioned as well that you just want to be your version of OK and you were specific in ways that may help to show this. But can you think about how you may be able to achieve each one (no matter how silly or out of reach the steps may be) it may be really helpful and also to help fast track your recovery when you finally are able to get into therapy as you can then be really focused on what you are needing/ your aim in therapy and how the therapist you see may be able to help you to accomplish each one. You may even find that you can work towards some of the ways to be your version of OK yourself. Just something to think about!

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you, hope that you are going well and that things start improving for you really soon!

Take care,

Lauren

[slickshoesareyoucrazy]

525,600 Minutes

So I copied a Rent song lyric (Seasons of Love by Jonathan Larson is an incredible song...go listen to it). But after a whirlwind past 8 weeks, I finally sat down this morning with nothing pressing to do and thought that it had been approximately a year since my life here on Tumblr dramatically changed because of some casual cruelty dished out by someone I believed to be a friend.

So much has changed in the past year. I've begun working outside home part time again, my son's mental health has gone from nearly the lowest low to a relative comfortable stability, my family of origin has been maxed out with stress...and I honestly don't think about people I used to consider good friends here at all anymore. Except today when I'm sitting down to write this. That's bizarre to me. I mean, I do that fairly often actually. I think about people I love all the time. Constantly. I hear a song, I see a leaf falling, I read a line in a book, I smell something cooking or a certain brand of fabric softener or shaving cream...I'm right back to a person who meant something to me, who changed my life in some important way, who I love, even if they aren't with me now or in contact with me regularly. I still think about people who have passed away; regularly have dreams about them at night. I still have fond memories of, and occasionally, even reach out to old friends when there's playoff baseball on TV or I teach my kid to make the chili dip we always used to eat or when I see their kid's name in a box score in the local sports section or when the old songs pop up on Spotify or whatever.

But I never think about THEM. And I don't often think about people who have hurt me enough to make me walk away from them. No matter how close I once believed we were; no matter how constant and consistent our contact used to be. When I walk away (which takes a lot of repeated and/or severely intense pain), I don't look back. Because like the song from the Broadway show advises, I like to measure my life in love. I realized today I've never actually walked away from someone I actually loved; who I felt actually loved me, even when they really hurt me. Everyone I've felt connected to, I've loved at one time, but not all love is everlasting. By the time the hurt came long, if I was able to walk away, it's because I didn't love them anymore. And I wonder if any of them ever loved me, honestly.

Anyway, rambling as usual...a lot has happened in the past year, to the point where it feels to me like the events of a year ago feel surreal and ridiculous. Which means in the grand scheme of things, they must not have mattered very much. I'm glad that my year has been so full of love, and new and developing stories that I haven't much time to stop and think about them. And today, when I am thinking about them a bit, I'm not anxious or angry or sad anymore. I'm just thinking about how little they mattered and how much I have in my life that matters so much.

[unprocione]

A   LEON   SCOTT   KENNEDY   ROLEPLAY   BLOG,   AS   DEVOURED   BY   RIAN. (19, HE/HIM, EASTERN STANDARD TIME.)   SELECTIVE,   INDEPENDENT,   HEADCANON-BASED   PORTRAYAL,   WITH   CHARACTERIZATION   INFLUENCED   BY   RESIDENT EVIL 2, 4, 6, INFINITE DARKNESS & VENDETTA.   ESTABLISHED   JUNE   2022.   TRIGGERING   THEMES   PRESENT,   INTENDED   FOR   18   &   ABOVE.   MEDIUM   ACTIVITY.   THIS   BLOG   INTERACTS   WITH   ORIGINAL   CHARACTERS   &   DOES   CROSSOVERS.   I   PRIORITIZE   THOSE   I   PLOT   WITH.   IM   FOR   DISCORD.   THEME   &   THEME   BACKGROUND   BY   * HYRULESHOP.   ICON   BORDER,   POST   BANNERS,   &   CARRD   GRAPHICS   BY   * BLITZKRIEGERS.

✦ 𝖈𝖆𝖗𝖗𝖉 ✦ 𝖌𝖔𝖔𝖌𝖑𝖊 𝖉𝖔𝖈 ✦ 𝖎𝖓𝖙𝖊𝖗𝖊𝖘𝖙 𝖙𝖗𝖆𝖈𝖐𝖊𝖗 ✦ 𝖕𝖗𝖔𝖒𝖕𝖙𝖘  ✦ 𝖔𝖕𝖊𝖓𝖘 ✦ 𝖈𝖆𝖑𝖑𝖘 ✦ 𝖍𝖊𝖆𝖉𝖈𝖆𝖓𝖔𝖓𝖘 ✦ 𝖕𝖎𝖓𝖙𝖊𝖗𝖊𝖘𝖙  ✦ 𝖕𝖑𝖆𝖞𝖑𝖎𝖘𝖙 ✦ 𝖛𝖎𝖘𝖚𝖆𝖑 𝖊𝖉𝖎𝖙𝖘 ✦ 𝖕𝖗𝖔𝖒𝖔𝖘 ✦ 𝖆𝖊𝖘𝖙𝖍𝖊𝖙𝖎𝖈 𝖘𝖎𝖉𝖊𝖇𝖑𝖔𝖌

01. unprocione is an independent, selective, & mutuals-only roleplay blog for leon scott kennedy from the resident evil / biohazard series, operating in eastern standard timezone with headcanon-based characterization mainly taken from resident evil 2 & resident evil 6. this blog was established in june of 2022, and mentions triggering and mature themes to be expected from the resident evil / biohazard series. this is not a space intended for those under eighteen years of age and i'm only comfortable interacting with those above eighteen years. i prioritize those i follow back and plot with when it comes to interactions. i'm a very private man who is easily burnt out from social interaction and my offline life has been a stressful endeavor recently. my reply times are not guaranteed to remain consistent whether through roleplay or through out of character conversation but i'm making an effort to the best of my abilities right now - there is absolutely no pressure on you to match my reply length or to reply faster at any time.

02. i'm still pretty new to the resident evil series & rpc, the series as a whole is older than i am, so i feel it goes without saying that i am not exactly a lore encyclopedia. i'm always learning and always happy to be informed if i make an error with the timeline or with the behaviors of a character, feel free to correct me so long as your criticism is constructive and polite!

03. i'm not shy about using my block button. i don't deal well with people who post indirects or passive-aggressive comments often, and i don't tolerate people who are involved in consistent drama. i don't harbor bad feelings towards anyone after i've blocked them, but i'm protective of my personal space and my writing as a low-pressure creative outlet and i'm doing my utmost to keep it healthy for me.

04. i tend not to soften resident evil as a series in terms of the triggering material already present in violent gore or accumulated trauma, but i'm also not going to force others into uncomfortable situations and ruin the fun. i tag everything that i can think of, and if you read something in my writing that makes you uncomfortable, contact me and i will tag it for you without prying further. please always keep open communication with me about triggering topics so i can steer clear of them in our writing altogether, i don't see myself in any position to judge what anyone's going through and i would prefer to avoid rough situations entirely than cause you any difficulty in our mutual hobby. there's discussion of advanced post-traumatic stress disorder on this blog, the origins some of which are stemming from childhood. i go into expansion on long-term and repeatedly reopened survivor's guilt. also present, are themes of loss of self-control, hallucination, addiction, and extensive mention of dehumanization as a government agent and asset of the united states defense industry.

05. i'm open to writing romantic relationships with leon, but i don't consider leon an easy man to love with his career and difficulties and i write him as such. i don't want to neglect the complicated and messy intricacy of him. i only write romantic relationships with people who i've spoken to out of character and have plotted with beforehand, i don't enjoy pre-established romantic scenarios if i don't already have an established ideal of what leon and your muse are like in non-romantic interactions prior. i, myself, am a gay man, and so i'm more comfortable writing leon also as a gay man, as it comes more naturally and comfortably for me. i will not be interacting with muses who are blood-related children of leon's, or writing with those who treat homosexuality or experienced homophobia as fetish-material. if you write a female muse from the resident evil series who are usually romantically involved with leon, such as claire redfield or ada wong, please keep in mind leon will not be attracted to either of them further than platonically, but i still handle those bonds as intensely as any romantic relationship.