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daechwitatamic · 2 years

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VII. Supposed to Be With You

(banner by @/itaeetwon)

Title: My Feet to Follow, and My Heart to Hold (Masterpost)

Rating: NSFW - minors dni

Genre: college!au, roomie!au, angst, s2l, the absolute slowest of burns

Pairing: Namjoon x female reader, unrequited Taehyung x reader

Beta'd by @/kookstempo, @/casuallyimagining, and @/toikiii - thank you endlessly!

Summary: You know a lot about the many types of love thanks to Kim Taehyung. You love him as the only person you see as “family”, you love him as your very best friend, and you love him as the beautiful, funny man he’s become. But when a twist of fate during your senior year has you rooming with his good friend Kim Namjoon, you just might find that you have plenty left to learn about love.

Lesson One: there are such things as a right way and a wrong way to love and to be loved.

You and Namjoon support each other through some tough days.

Section Warnings: language, dealing with loss, pov switch to Namjoon for a section or two

WC: 6k

The world is mine: blue hill, still silver lake, Broad field, bright flower, and the long white road A gateless garden, and an open path: My feet to follow, and my heart to hold. - Journey | Edna St. Vincent Millay

Saturday November 10th

[9:22 AM] You: grocery run??? [9:36 AM] Tae Bear 🧸: ur just using me for my car 🙁 [9:37 AM] You: not true!!! i like when we go together and talk while we shop 🥺 [9:37 AM] You: the car is simply a bonus ☝️ [9:39 AM] Tae Bear 🧸: i mean do i rly want to go run errands this morning… no [9:40 AM] You: you’re the worst [9:43 AM] Tae Bear 🧸: text me later tho! and buy those chips? remember the good ones? [9:45 AM] You: you’re literally insufferable 🙄

Officially on your own, you rise from the couch, coffee mug cooled and almost empty in your hand, and head back to your room to get dressed. When you’re ready, you place your coffee cup in the sink to deal with later and get your little wheely cart from the pantry. When you turn, Namjoon is in the living room, and you jump - just barely fighting back a shriek of surprise.

“God, you really are jumpy,” he laughs. “Are you ever just relaxed?”

“I startle easily!” you say defensively, laughing too.

“Are you getting groceries?” he asks, eyes catching on the cart in your hands.

“Yeah,” you say, following his gaze and looking down at your hands. “I was just on my way.”

“Can I go with you?” he asks, totally surprising you. “I need a few things.”

“Oh,” you say, still a little shocked by the question. “You can tell me what you need, if you want! I can grab it for you.”

“I’d rather join you,” he says, “as long as you don’t mind?”

You consider this. “No, I don’t mind,” you say, shrugging. “Do you need a few minutes?”

He shakes his head. “I can go now.”

It’s pleasant, walking through town together, pulling your little cart. It’s unseasonably warm, though the forecast claims you’re due for a frost that night and the next few days will stay cold. Namjoon talks easily with you as you collect produce, meats, and cheeses from the front section of the store. Overhead, the muzak plays 90’s hits that your mom used to love.

“You start on this side?” he asks, a little playful. “I always start on the other end.”

“I have a system,” you insist, smiling. “You’ll see. It’s very methodical.”

On the cereal row, your favorite brand seems to be low in stock. You stretch on your tippytoes, reaching, fingers just barely catching the corner of the box. It tips, then settles back where it was.

You know what’s coming, somehow, and you - the world’s jumpiest human - aren’t startled at all when you feel Namjoon’s warm body solidly against your back. One hand steadies you both by resting on your waist, the other reaches easily for the box you wanted.

There’s space between you again, too quickly, as he hands you the box. He avoids your gaze, like he’s not sure if he crossed a line or not.

“Be careful,” you tease, “or I’ll get spoiled and I’ll ask you to reach all the high places for me.”

He smiles. “It’s a curse I’ve lived with for a long time.”

You make your way, shivering, through the freezer sections, grabbing what you need. Namjoon carries a reusable bag of his own handful of items he’s picked up through the rows, so that he can pay for his separately.

Once you’re done, you check out and head home. Namjoon places a hand on the cart to pull it for you, and you shoulder him away.

“I’ve got it,” you insist.

He gives you an indulgent look. “You can let me pull the groceries, Y/N. It doesn’t have to mean anything you don’t want it to mean.”

This shames you into silence, and you move over to let him take the cart. You don’t feel like you deserve the patience he’s affording you.

“Don’t get all quiet on me, little cactus,” he says, eyeing you sideways. “Everything’s fine. We’re fine.”

What’s we? The only reason you don’t know is because you’re too cowardly to ask.

“What ever happened with your ex?” you ask, needing the subject to change. “We haven’t talked about that in a few weeks. Did you ever answer her?”

Beside you, Namjoon grimaces.

“We don’t have to talk about it,” you say quickly. “I was just curious.”

“I answered her a while ago… back before Halloween. I told her I wasn’t interested in talking. She’s… been persistent.”

You frown. “Has she said what she wants?”

He shakes his head. “Just that she wants to see me, she wants to talk. I’ve pushed it - I know she’s got a reason - but she sticks to that story. She just wants to see me.”

You wrinkle your nose. “It doesn’t sound like she even knows.”

He purses his lips, annoyed with the situation. “That’s not it. She knows. She just can’t straight out say to me that she wants to see me to find out if I miss her or not.”

“Well…” you say carefully. You’re walking behind him a little, so you don’t have to see his face as you ask, “Do you?”

“I truly don’t,” he says, turning to look at you, something earnest and insistent in his voice. Like he needs you to believe him. “Trust me, it was toxic.”

You’re quiet for a minute, following his footsteps. “I think you can recognize the flaws in a relationship and still miss the person, though,” you say quietly. “I’m just saying. I wouldn’t judge you if you did, a little.”

“I don’t,” he says firmly.

You walk in silence, chastised. Then, you ask, “So she hasn’t given up?”

Namjoon shakes his head again.

“Let me talk to her for you,” you tease. “I’ll sort her out.”

He looks backwards at you now, smiling a little. “You’re not scary,” he disagrees.

You drop your jaw in pretend indignation. “I am scary!”

He shakes his head. “Not even a little.”

You pretend to gasp. “That is absolutely the meanest thing you’ve ever said to me,” you pretend to pout, reaching out to give him a playful swat.

The apartment is in sight, and you’ve got Namjoon’s laugh ringing in your ears as you get close enough to the front steps to register that someone is sitting on them. Then you register the parked car along the sidewalk.

Your brain slowly puts two and two together.

Taehyung watches you two come closer, the groceries in tow. He looks serious, and as you get close enough to talk to him, you wonder anxiously if he’s here because something is wrong.

“Hi,” you say, a little breathlessly. He steps out of the way to let Namjoon up the stairs with the cart. “We were getting groceries.”

“I see that,” he says, voice just a touch flat. He looks between Namjoon and you. “I called you.”

“Oh,” you say, reaching immediately for your pocket. “I didn’t feel it go off. Sorry, Taetae.” You give him big, sad eyes. He cracks quickly, just like he always has.

“It’s okay,” he says, sounding more like himself. “I just wanted to see if you wanted to hang.”

“I definitely do,” you tell him. “Come up while I put the groceries away, and we can figure out a plan?”

He nods, following you up the stairs. In the kitchen, the cart sits in the middle of the kitchen, all of your items waiting for you. Namjoon is in the fridge, putting a few of his own things away.

You start pulling your own items out of the cart one by one, putting them where they go. You and Namjoon move around each other easily, like it’s choreographed. At one point, he gently takes a box from your hands and puts it up on the highest shelf for you. You smile at him in thanks.

Taehyung watches all of this silently from where he’s perched at the breakfast bar. When your groceries are put away, you face Taehyung and put your hands on your hips. “What do you wanna do?” you ask.

He shrugs easily, his eyes on his phone screen as he scrolls. “Don’t care. What were you gonna do before I showed up?”

Honestly? Probably hang out with Namjoon in the living room, read a little, do some homework, maybe watch a show.

“I’m going to get some writing done,” Namjoon says, even though nobody asked him. It’s like he wants you to know you can remove him from the equation. You have a feeling that hadn’t been his original plan, either.

“Just hang out,” you say, looking back at Taehyung. His messy hair falls over his eyes as he bends his head to look at his phone. “Wanna put on a show?”

You get comfortable on the couch. The familiarity sets in, the comfort of doing your normal thing, with your normal person, in your normal place. It’s so much less scary than foraying into uncharted territory with Namjoon.

But it’s stagnant, too.

“My parents said to tell you hi,” Taehyung informs you from his side of the couch. “They asked how you were.”

“Oh,” you say, looking over the top of your phone at him. “Hi! Tell them I’m good. I miss them! Tell your mom I miss her stew, like, badly.”

“I can’t tell her that,” Taehyung laughs. “She’ll make you some and tell me to drive there to get it for you.”

“I fail to see the problem,” you sniff. From behind Namjoon’s door, you hear the telltale sound of classical music.

You know what that means - the writing isn’t going well. On the other side of the door, he’s stuck.

Thursday November 15th

Your alarm on Thursday goes off way before it should. You tap the snooze button without looking, and then are baffled when the buzzing doesn’t stop. You actually open one eye to peek at the screen and see that Kris is calling you. Something must be wrong.

“Hello?” you answer groggily, clearing your throat.

“I am so sorry,” they say in greeting. “I am such an asshole for waking you up and I am such an asshole for what I’m about to ask you.”

You groan, already knowing what’s coming.

“Can you please - please please please please please - cover me at the store for like two hours later?” they beg.

“I’m in class until 4:30,” you tell them.

“That’s fine, I don’t need you until six.”

“You want me to close?” you yelp. “Kris!”

“I will owe you a hundred times over,” they say desperately.

You roll onto your back and close your eyes again, the phone pressed to your ear. “Fine,” you grumble finally, because you love Kris, and because you need the money.

You survive both your morning and afternoon classes, grabbing lunch with Taehyung in the caf between the two. After your afternoon class, you have a weird gap of time before Kris needs you at the store, so you head for the library and do a bit of work. When it’s nearly time, you pack up and head to the store. You’re nearly there when you feel your phone vibrate in your hand.

[5:51 PM] Namjoon: did you order dinner already? I’m leaving campus now

[5:51 PM] You: im covering kris at the bookstore until 8:30 :(

You watch his three dots appear, then vanish. Appear, then vanish. Appear… hover… then vanish.

[5:54 PM] Namjoon: want me to bring you something to eat?

You want to sink down onto the concrete path and melt into the ground. What is this absolutely boyfriend behavior, and why are the butterflies in your stomach having a rager over it?!

It’s like he knows you’ll be having a whole meltdown about it, because he follows up quickly.

[5:55 PM] Namjoon: it’s not a big deal i can grab something on campus for myself too and bring it over

[5:56 PM] You: i would really appreciate that :’) best roomie ever

[5:57 PM] You: that was NOT me roomie-zoning you!!! you can be best roomie ever AND ….whatever else lol

Sometimes you wonder who decided to let you ever leave your house. You deserve a trophy for being the most awkward human alive.

You can’t dwell on it, though, because you’re at the store and you have to clock in and take over the register. There’s always a bit of a rush around the dinner hours - more students are in the student center for dinner anyway and stop in for what they need, or opt to get crappy snacks instead of real dinner. You don’t judge.

It’s almost eight when you see Namjoon’s familiar shape in the door. He’s holding a bag of food and uses his shoulders to push the door open.

“You brought me sustenance?” you ask hopefully. Your stomach is growling.

“I did,” he tells you. He sets the bag on the counter and you dig into it immediately, pulling out the wrap he got for you.

“You are a god amongst men,” you tell him reverently. He beams at you, standing still practically in the doorway of the store. He shifts over when the bell above the door chimes, and a pretty girl with dark hair steps through. You don’t think anything of it until you watch the smile literally drop off of his face.

“I thought that was you,” she says, her voice hushed like she’s in church, and her eyes are on his. You shove another bite of your wrap into your mouth and sink further behind the cashier’s counter, praying for invisibility.

“Elyse,” he says, and you notice several that all of him has gone tight - his eyes, his shoulders, his fists, his voice. All of it becomes coiled, ready to spring. You resist the urge to say his name, even though it’s fighting its way out of your mouth, so strong is your urge to calm him. “What are you doing here?”

“I was just passing,” she says, sounding a little wounded. “I thought I saw you in here, so I came in. What are you doing here?”

You wait for him to implicate you, to indicate that he’s here to bring you food, spend time with you on the sly.

Instead, he says, “I lost my headphones again.”

A lie.

A lie that leaves you out.

The smile creeps over her face, fond and adoring. She shakes her head, hair swishing. “You’re such a mess, Namjoon.”

His eyes narrow, but he says nothing. The silence stretches between them, and finally he says, “What do you want, Elyse? You saw me and you came in why?”

Her eyebrows knit together; the hurt you’d heard in her voice shifts onto her face. “I just wanted to talk to you,” she says. “I’ve been trying to talk to you.”

He licks his lips, glances at you for the barest of seconds before facing her, arms crossing defensively over his chest.

“I’m aware,” he says dryly. “And I’ve been telling you no thanks. So, again… why are you here?”

Now the girl - Elyse, obviously - eyes you for the first time. You take another bite of your wrap, all innocence. For all she knows, you’re just the girl working the register at the school bookstore. She doesn’t know where you live… or what you’ve been doing with your roommate.

“Can we… go somewhere?”

He looks at her flatly in response.

“To talk,” she says, like she needed to explain, like he doesn’t completely get it.

“If you need to say something to me so badly,” he says, his voice scarily even, “you can do it right here.”

“I just…” she says, faltering, looking back at him, “I just wanted to know how you were, I guess. I’ve been… having a hard time, and I…” She glances at you again, like she’s embarrassed for this conversation to be witnessed - and honestly, you don’t blame her. “I guess I wondered if you were, too.” She looks at the floor, rubbing her arms self-consciously.

And here’s the thing… from an outside perspective, even though you’ve heard his side of this… you kind of believe her. Maybe he was right when he said she just needed to grow up a little.

“I’m sorry you’re struggling,” he says, his voice softening. “You know I don’t want that for you.”

“I know,” she whispers, looking up at him through her lashes.

Damn, you think. This girl is good.

“Honestly, Elyse,” he continues, his voice still soft, gentle, “I’ve been doing fine. I’ve been okay. Just… just writing, you know?”

She smiles again, a tiny smile. You can’t believe your amazing luck to be able to innocently witness this transaction, but you also feel for him - to have this conversation in front of you has to be killing him. You can’t imagine trying to have a conversation like this with Taehyung with Namjoon listening. But you can’t leave - you’re glued to the register, your mouth still full of a chicken-avocado wrap.

“Of course,” she says, smiling shyly up at him. “Always writing. But, Namjoon...” She heaves a sigh. You wish Kris was here to witness this with you, to help you dissect it later. “I guess… I wanted to talk to you because I’ve been… I’ve been thinking about us.”

Your eyes go wide and you look at Namjoon immediately for his reaction.

“There’s no ‘us’, Elyse,” he points out, so kindly, like he doesn’t want to hurt her and he knows he has to anyway. “You made sure of that.”

You almost gasp out loud, and you quickly stifle your reaction with another big bite of dinner.

She has the presence of mind to look cowed. “I know that,” she admits. “I just… I guess I’m not sure how I feel about it now. About how we left things. And like… if that’s just me, I guess it’s my problem. But I needed to know… if it was just me.”

You’re chewing furiously, and then the damndest thing happens. Namjoon looks right at you.

You hold his gaze, and wish you could call time-out, pull him aside, confer with him before he answers. Say what you need to say, you’d tell him, because you get it. As complicated as shit is with you and Taehyung... of course you get it.

You’re fully prepared for him to tell her that it’s not just her, or at least something kind of in the middle, like it’s complicated.

He surprises you.

“It’s just you,” he tells her, and he’s holding your gaze the whole time. Like he’s talking to you. “I’m not coming back, Elyse.”

The door opens behind her, and a group of girls come in, talking loudly to one another. It gives Elyse time to get her face right, you guess, because when you look back she’s managing to smile at him, though it’s clearly forced.

“Okay,” she says. “Thanks for telling me. If your mind’s made up… then I guess there’s nothing else to say here?” She makes it a question.

“There never was,” he says, and though his words are cutting, his voice is still kind. “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.”

She nods, licks her lips, eyes on the ground, and then she heads for the door. The group of girls come up to the register to pay, and you catch Namjoon’s gaze over their heads.

“I’ll see you at home,” he says, not a question, and you nod, scanning their items blindly.

The rest of your shift crawls, uneventful and lonely, and when you finally clock out you’re dying to text Kris or literally anyone about the episode you just witnessed.

After you lock up, you head outside of the student center. It’s dark, and freezing, and you hike your jacket up around your neck.

A voice says your name and a hand reaches for your elbow. Every time Namjoon has startled you at the apartment and you’d jumped or dropped what you were holding pales in comparison to now; you shriek, so loud that some students further down the path turn around to check on you.

“Jesus,” Namjoon huffs, laughing. “It’s just me.”

“Don’t grab people!” you scold, heart pounding against your ribs. “Holy shit.”

“Sorry,” he says, kind of an afterthought. “Are you going home now?”

As you come down from the adrenaline rush, things start to piece together in your head. “Were you… did you wait for me? It’s been almost an hour!”

“I know,” he says, rubbing a hand over his face. “I know. But I wanted to make sure I caught you.”

You take a few steps in the direction of home and he follows. You start walking together this way, you leading for once. “Why?” you ask him, genuinely curious.

He sighs, looks away from you as you cross campus together. “I wanted to tell you thank you.”

“For what?” you demand, flummoxed.

He runs his hand down the back of his neck, still avoiding your gaze.

Adorable, you think.

“For being there. For all that with Elyse.”

“Firstly,” you point out, “I did literally nothing except popcorn-gif. Secondly, if you think that was dramatic, you haven’t watched enough dramas with me. That was tame. No one even cried.”

He laughs, once. “Chances are she’s crying now.”

“What happens when the scene cuts away doesn’t count,” you tell him firmly. Then, a beat later you add, “You were admirably forth-coming with her.”

“Made me feel like shit,” he admits in a grumble. You reach out and pat his arm reassuringly.

“I’m sure it did,” you tell him. “But this has to be better than stringing her along or something.”

He gives you a hum of agreement. “Well, anyway. Thank you.”

“Namjoon,” you say seriously, “I didn’t do anything.”

“Y/N,” he says, equally serious. “You have no idea how that would have gone if you hadn’t been there. You being there saved my ass from telling her we could talk again, if it made her happy. It stopped me from getting swept away in nostalgia, or her magic powers that make me stupid. You… grounded me.”

This knocks you into silence. It feels big, like he’s telling you a lot more than he’s actually saying.

And, you get it. Because Namjoon makes you feel grounded, too.

You aren’t sure what to say. You want to say thanks, because it feels like he’s given you a compliment. You want to say you’re sorry that he had to stare her down and tell her no, when - probably - at least one, little part of him wanted to say yes.

Instead, you just ask, “Are you okay?”

He shoots you a grateful look. “Yeah,” he says, “I am. Thanks.”

“Stop thanking me,” you tease, smiling, elbowing him lightly.

He catches your wrist, tugging you closer as you walk. When you’re close enough, he wraps an arm around your waist, holding you tight through the last two city blocks.

Monday November 19th

You’ve walked to campus with Namjoon three Mondays in a row, so he waits for you this morning too, sipping his coffee at the breakfast bar patiently. As he watches the time pass, the time you normally leave together inching closer, he starts to get a little concerned.

He tries texting you - you coming to campus today? - but you don’t answer. Finally, with about ten minutes to spare, he caves and knocks on your closed bedroom door. He hears your voice respond, muffled, but he doesn’t catch what you say.

He inches the door open, and is surprised to find that not only are you not ready to go, you’re still just a lump under your blankets.

“Y/N?” he ventures. “Are you sick?”

There’s some movement up by your head as you move the comforter enough to peer at him. “No,” you tell him, your voice a bit gravelly from sleep. “But I’m not going to campus today. You can go without me.”

“You’re not sick?” he repeats, just to clarify. There’s a little part of his brain that wonders if this is a menstruation thing, but wouldn’t he have noticed days like this in the months before now?

“No,” you repeat, and pull the blanket back up to cover your ears.

He feels unsure, like maybe he shouldn’t just leave you here, at least without getting to the bottom of what’s going on.

“Are you… okay?” he asks, the same question you’d asked him before the weekend, when Elyse had tried to fucking blindside him and drown him in guilt.

“Mhm,” you say, and he waits for more, an explanation, a reassurance, anything. You give him nothing.

“Okay,” he says finally, when he’s about five minutes late and he can’t stand it anymore. “I’m going to class. You’ll be alright here?”

You give another hum of an answer. He leaves your door open as he leaves, like it’ll help.

Concern and guilt eat at him all the way through his morning class; he can barely concentrate. He doesn’t really have time to go home between class and his TA hours, but when his professor dismisses him, he finds himself lifting his bag off the ground by his chair and heading in the direction of the apartment.

The apartment is so quiet when he gets there that he feels a flash of relief - you’d gotten up and gone to class after all. But as he makes his way through the living room and peers into your room, it’s clear that you haven’t moved.

What is going on? he wonders.

“Y/N?” he says. There’s no movement, no indication that you heard him. He inches into your room, still unsure if you want him there, if he’s crossing boundaries, if he’s overstepping. “Hey, have you eaten or anything?”

Silence. He purses his lips. Words Elyse used to throw at him ring in his head - stop trying to fix it when I’m upset. I don’t want a solution, I want support. But as far as he knows, you haven’t moved all day. He goes into the kitchen and fills a glass with water and walks it back to your room determinedly.

When he gets close enough to set the glass down on your nightstand, he can see that you're awake, laying on your side, your eyes on the wall, unblinking.

He sets it down, watching your face carefully, and backs away. He’s about to give up and head out to the living room when he hears you, quiet as a breath, whisper, “Thank you.”

He pauses, turning back. “Can I…?” He falters, still so uncertain. “Can I stay with you?”

You don’t respond right away, the moment stretching heavy between you. Then, silent, you nod your head, just once. Something blooms in Namjoon’s chest, stretching and growing so that he feels his ribs must shift to make room for it. He circles around to the other side of the bed and gingerly sits, turning and stretching his long legs out, leaning back against your headboard.

You don’t move, you don’t talk, so neither does he. He just stays, and waits, and watches the slant of sunlight through your blinds crawl inch by inch across your bedroom wall. After about an hour of this, he rises, needing to move to get his phone out of his pocket. He stands, trying to get some circulation back in his legs, as he dials the department head.

“Hey,” he says, walking to your bedroom window and peering through the crack in the blinds. “I’m going to take a sick day today, okay? I didn’t have anyone scheduled… maybe Alec can take it if you need someone?”

He listens for a minute, then adds, “Yeah. Thanks, I appreciate you. Yeah, I should be fine for tomorrow. Okay. Sorry about that. Thanks again.”

When he turns back to you, you’ve actually rolled a little bit peering over your shoulder at him. “You didn’t have to do that,” you say.

He regards you seriously. “I… think I did,” he admits. “I just don’t understand exactly why yet.”

You don’t answer, your tongue sneaking out to wet your lips. Then you reach over and flip the corner of your comforter down on the empty side of the bed, an invitation.

He sits, as expected, sliding his legs under your blankets, and pulling the comforter up to his chest. He lays next to you for a few minutes, about six inches between your bodies. Then, emboldened, he scoots closer, rolls and wraps an arm around your middle, pulling you flush against his front. You stiffen for the barest of seconds, then melt back against him, letting out a deep breath. His hand rests against your stomach, and after a few minutes you shift to place your own hand against his, holding tight. Keeping him in place.

Namjoon might not know what’s going on with you today, he might not know the best thing to do to help you. But he knows he wants to do this - hold you close, wrap himself around you like a protective cocoon - until you tell him you don’t need it anymore.

He thinks he drifts off for a little; he wakes, groggy, from a half-sleep, his nose buried in your hair against the pillow, his hand slack against the mattress, still touching yours. The tightness in your shoulders tells him that you’re awake, and the blue glow from outside the window tells him the sun has set behind the buildings across the street.

He rolls a little and hugs you tight again, moving to press his face to the junction of your neck, gently. “I’m going to get up and make us something to eat,” he tells you.

“You can’t,” you tell him.

Puzzled, he asks, “Why can’t I?”

“Because I can’t save you from lighting the kitchen on fire,” you tell him seriously, and he’s so surprised that you’re joking right now that it startles a laugh out of him.

“I’ll do a better job this time,” he promises. “I’ll start smaller. You good with ramen?”

You hum. “The spicy one. With an egg.”

He smiles against your neck, and you shiver when it tickles. “Your wish is my command,” he tells you, starting to rise.

“Be careful,” you warn. “I’ll get used to this.”

“Nope,” he tells you, finally releasing your middle and scooting towards the edge of the bed. “Once you’re out of the bed, I go back to being normal.”

“Guess I’m never getting up, then,” you say wryly. Your phone buzzes on the nightstand - a call - and you ignore it. Namjoon leaves, making a point not to look at the screen. He knows who’s calling you, even without looking.

In the kitchen, the water’s not yet boiling when there’s suddenly a pounding on the door. Eyeing his pot of water over his shoulder, Namjoon walks over to open it, only to find Taehyung standing there holding a bag of take-out. The relief he feels actually surprises him, but he realizes instantly that he probably should have reached out to Taehyung in the first place, to ask if he knew what the fuck was up with your sudden day of silence.

“Thank god you’re here,” he blurts out, and watches as understanding crosses Taehyung’s face, followed by guilt.

“Ah,” Taehyung utters, upset. “I should have been here hours ago. Where is she? Has she eaten?”

Namjoon steps back to let him in. “She’s in bed,” he says. “She hasn’t moved all day - I was just heating up water for ramen for her.”

Taehyung sighs, sinking in on himself. “I’m glad you were here,” he says, so genuinely that it makes Namjoon feel sick with guilt, like he was taking part in a great deception. “I usually take care of her today. I fucked up. I didn’t realize what day it was until like half an hour ago.”

Namjoon nods at this, not sure what to say. Part of him wants to ask Taehyung for some answers; a bigger part of him would rather it come from you, when you’re ready. To give himself something to do, he moves into the kitchen to pour out half the water - he only needs to cook enough for himself, now.

Taehyung makes his way into your room, the food bag clutched in his hands. He doesn’t close the door, and Namjoon tries not to eavesdrop from the kitchen, but he can’t help but hear Taehyung tell you, in a voice that’s absolutely sorrowful, “I’m so sorry. I’m a fucking terrible friend.”

He doesn’t hear you reply, but Taehyung says, “Yes I am. I left you alone today.”

This time, Namjoon hears your reply. “I wasn’t alone,” you tell Taehyung firmly. “Namjoon was here.”

“Good,” Taehyung says, his voice muffled, like maybe he’s hugging you in there. “Good.”

Tuesday November 20th

Namjoon awakens to the smell of bacon. Confused, he pulls a tshirt over his head, and blearily peeks his face out of his bedroom. You’re bustling around the kitchen - something he’s literally never seen before - cooking a full-course breakfast.

“Y/N?” he ventures, and you whirl around, eyes wide, the spatula in your hand.

“Oh!” you say happily. “Come get some eggs!”

Namjoon doesn’t dare argue. He sits at the breakfast bar, still half asleep, trying to open his eyes all the way. You present him with a full mug of coffee, which he takes gratefully. Then, you load up a plate and slide it in front of him, and then you lean against the counter from the kitchen side, watching him intently.

“Yes?” he asks archly.

You take a deep breath. “I’m sure you have questions about yesterday,” you say seriously.

He lowers his coffee cup. “You don’t have to tell me anything,” he says quickly. “Don’t feel like you owe me an explanation. I’m just… I’m glad I could be there for you. I don’t need anything else.”

You look away from him, blinking suspiciously hard. He waits you out. When you face him again, there’s something steely in your expression.

“I have a hard time on the 19th,” you tell him. “Every year. It’s… an anniversary. For, um. For when I lost my parents.”

Namjoon’s appetite leaves him instantly. He feels himself lean forward, like he’s trying to get closer to you, like his body needs to wrap you up, just like he had yesterday. He murmurs your name, and you avoid his gaze again.

“Anyway,” you say brusquely, “thank you for staying with me. And trying to feed me. Normally Taehyung does that.”

He wasn’t here this time, something ugly inside Namjoon thinks.

Instead, he says, “You’re welcome. I’m glad I could… be there. I’m glad I was with you.”

Your gaze drops to the floor, then you seem to get it together and look up at him. “I am too,” you say, and the words sound heavy coming off your tongue. “So, really… thank you.”

Namjoon pauses. He wants to ask - he wants to know - but he’s afraid it’ll push you away. “Can I ask you something?” he ventures, finally.

You look back at him, clearly nervous. “I guess,” you say, clearly uneasy.

He grimaces a little, unsure of the choices he’s made. “Yesterday… should I have called someone?” There’s a pause, where Namjoon decides to say what he actually means. “Should I have called Taehyung? Would that have been the right thing to do?”

He watches you soften, eyes widening as you realize what he’s been worrying about. You set down the dish towel that had been in your hands and come around the breakfast bar so you can look at him unobstructed.

“No,” you tell him seriously, eyes on his. “No, you did exactly what I needed.”

“Okay,” he says, reaching for his fork to try and eat some of the eggs you’d made for him. “I just wanted to make sure.”

“Namjoon,” you say seriously, and he looks back up at you, fork in hand. You shake your head, voice pleading with him to believe you. “There is not even a tiny part of me that wishes it was Taehyung with me yesterday instead of you. I promise. Okay?”

“Okay,” he says easily, taking a bite of egg. Does he believe you? He’s not sure. But he’s eager to move on; the topic’s uncomfortable. He knows he started it, but he really did want to know if he did the wrong thing. “Did you eat any, yet?”

You give him a little smile. “I was waiting for you,” you tell him. “I’ll make my plate now.”

You settle next to him, eggs and coffee cup both steaming, and you eat in silence. Namjoon can’t say what you’re thinking about, but his head is spinning. He’s thinking about how it had felt when you’d touched his hand in the bed yesterday, giving him the signal that you were okay with this, that you didn’t want him to move away.

He’s thinking about how when he’d opened the door and found Taehyung standing on the other side, he’d felt like the person who was supposed to be with you had arrived to make it right.

He’s thinking about how when Elyse sent his mind skittering towards old, bad habits, locking his eyes on yours had kept his feet firmly in the present.

He’s thinking about your hips under his hands in that damn halloween costume, almost a month ago, and how he hasn’t come even close to kissing you since then.

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la di da di da :) what are we thinking?! how are we feeling?! pls consider some type of feedback!!!

thank you so much for readingggg, i'm so happy you're here!!!

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quirkle2 · 5 months

Note

no way, you haven't seen train to busan yet? i say you're definitely in for a ride 🤩

also hhhh ritsu finally getting his big bro back.. iwnxowmx i love them sm i rarely came across wholesome kaegbros content so thank you for your service 🛐

((i don't think anyone's ever asked this but what are zombie mob's dynamic with reigen and teru after they reunite bcs i am in need of dad reigen and angsty platonic terumob sobs ((also teru and mob's special hand shake hHHHHH SOBS))

-🪻

i have not i should watch it ! looks sick as hell :]

both reigen and teru are ... a little distant with mob as soon as they see that he's a zombie, mostly out of fear of getting bitten, but also just... genuine grief and uncertainty on how to move forward

after just a few days of spending time with him though, they both see a Lot of mob in him, and like i said in that other ask a while ago, they Start To Believe. teru is a lot quicker to warm up to mob, and a lot more willing to get near him sooner than reigen. he misses hugging mob a lot, but he doesn't dare try for a while

when he Does get comfortable touching mob, and when mob seems unbothered by it, he kinda goes full swing into it and reverts back to his old clingy self. mob never seems to mind, though he doesn't do it back except for basic hugs. and also the handshake <3

teru Is a bit starved for returned affection—he desperately wishes mob could like .. compute that and Realize that and at least Attempt to do it back. he misses talking to him, and holding conversations, and seeing him smile. teru misses his smile a lot—he doesn't seem to smile as a zombie

reigen is frankly fuckin devastated bc he's rly not one to believe in a cure (at first, anyway) and this right here feels like a Fraction of what mob used to be, so it's rly rly hard to look at the kid and not get upset about what he Could be looking at instead, had reigen had a better handle on the kageyama's whereabouts when they got separated

reigen calls him "mob" out of instinct and mob, despite going a full year without hearing that name once, instantly turns to reigen in response, attentive. he thinks it's a fluke at first, but over time as it happens again and again he realizes that Yeah, mob recognizes that name and knows reigen is talking to Him specifically, and mob is trying to listen. it's a small piece of proof, for him, that mob is there

when reigen gets more comfy with the circumstances, he settles back into old habits. he ruffles mob's hair and the first time it happens mob looks comically bemused and he like.blinks several times like What The Hell Was That but the second time he does it he seems to recall the sensation and leans into the touch

HILARIOUS to think about mob latching onto old memories, and occasionally he'll stand next to reigen and hold his hand out. and reigen kinda stares at him, a little lost as to why, and on instinct reigen just kinda puts whatever he's holding atm in mob's palms and he seems satisfied w that and simply walks away ???? idk How long it takes him to recognize that mob is holding his hands out waiting to be paid, but it's gonna be hilarious when he realizes it . his memories r rough atm so he doesn't rly remember What he's waiting for, so when reigen gives him literally anything he thinks "ah, that must be it" and carries on.

teru and reigen don't realize it, but tome and ritsu catch on quite quickly—mob actually seems happier, after the reunion ! tome mentions that shigeo seems kinda chipper lately, and more alert, more talkative. ever since seeing teru and reigen again, sections of that rusty brain have turned back online to rifle through memories, and even though it's a little hard to tell, they can see it in his eyes, The Joy

makes ritsu think a lil bit. ritsu had sorta defaulted to the idea that mob didn't recall ever being with teru or reigen to begin with, beforehand. he's not sure why he came to this conclusion—he just never rly thought abt it too hard, over everything else to consider

makes him wonder if mob had been quietly mourning teru and reigen this whole time, quietly missing them, but never having the ability to show it or vocalize it, even to ritsu. or if it's like an out-of-sight, out-of-mind thing, where mob didn't rly think about them until they appeared in front of them, and now he's happy they're here. it's hard to tell

#qktalks #anon #zombie au #idk how reigen and mob even met in this au since it's a no-powers situation so idk why reigen was paying him. who cares <3

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thegeminisage · 5 months

Text

whoops, i almost forgot about the star trek update. tuesday we watched tng's "firstborn" and "bloodlines" and last night we watched ds9's "the wire" (honorific)

firstborn (tng):

i was actually bracing for this one to suck ass bc everyone says worf is a bad dad. and i dont think he is!!! like, it doesn't come as easily to him as it does to sisko, and he sometimes forgets to be gentle or kind with alexander because he's so laser focused on how things SHOULD be he forgets to the importance of taking others' feelings into account, but that's how he is ALL THE TIME with EVERYONE not just his kid. considering the circumstances i'd say he's doing well

before we get started, GREAT cameo from the duras sisters. i was initially really annoyed with their tit windows but im becoming rather fond

i really liked "the family protector guy "k'mter" at first because he said all the right things to alexander...like, it's scary not being able to defend yourself, etc. then he also was a dick to alexander and i was really exasperated...but then he IS alexander so that totally fixes it. he's angry with himself and conflicted and just wants a HUG FROM HIS DAD and that FIXED it!!! like when he said "nobody will look at you and see a human you are alone on this ship" initially it felt like racism but it being like, not quite self-loathing but just bitter experience...that's actually so clever

this is the only episode where they brought up alexander's mom kind of hating ""klingon stuff"" and how that could possibly have negatively impacted him and it only got two lines of dialogue but still. i think it's really damning that she hated her own heritage and also brought her kid up to hate it and now he's sort of out here...pretending to be human, almost, to the point where he doesn't want to participate in hsi own culture or even bond with his own father (a klingon). like it sucks so bad for him

i was afraid that the plot twist would be "k'mter talks alexander into wanting to be a warrior after all just when worf realizes he doesn't have to be" which would have been sad but a real "oh shit" of an ending. mixed feelings about them not doing that but i understand why they wanted to properly wrap things up for s7

i almost forgot but rare w for picard for bending the rules a little bit to give worf time to go to the klingon festival with his kid. credit where it is due

bloodlines (tng):

i have never been so BITTERLY DISAPPOINTED.......................

they gave. picard. an affair baby.

THEY GAVE HIM AN AFFAIR BABY!

what have i been saying since farpoint! he has an affair baby! AND THEY GAVE HIM ONE

AND THEN TOOK IT AWAY

what was the POINT OF THE EPISODE

if that's not his fucking affair child

pussy ass little FUCKS couldnt commit to changes...

i can't even remember what else happened in this episode i was so disappointed about this plot twist

oh yeah actually i do remember picard made a bald joke which i THINK was the only time he's done that in seven seasons? i think the only time ANYONE'S done it? please correct me if i am wrong but i was so shocked it got a big laugh out of me. also a rare w for picard. if he made bald jokes more often i'd hate him less maybe

oh yeah i'm coming back to add this later but it was really hilarious that picard was so torn up over his not-son being a little criminal. his horrific unforgivable spelunking crimes. so true.

the wire (ds9)

ooohhhhhhhhhhhh my god. oh my GOD. let's fucking...get into it

i rly thot garak was just a guy but not only is he a former assassin he's a current junkie. A JUNKIE! he's just like me fr

also, he can act? like that scene where he was withdrawing and saying horrible shit to julian......i was on the edge of my seat.

i love that he gave us 3 different stories about how he got kicked out. i'm gonna be honest, i looked it up, and apparently we never find out the truth? that is a bold fucking move. a daring choice. we, like julian, will never have any certainty. like, sure, i WANT to believe he released some kids from being tortured, but it's also equally as likely that he killed civilians or did a number of other horrible things

like, the fact that he can lie about it even while under significant distress.........king. like you could say oh that's the true one because that's the one where he was physically unwell but he also referred to "elim" in that one which gives it the ring of a potential falsehood

julian forgiving him anyway, even after all the horrible stuff he said, even after being physically ATTACKED (WHICH WAS SCARY!!! i was scared of him!!!!!) for "whatever he did," just because garak said "i need to know someone forgives me"..........AUGHGHGH JESUS CHRIST

THE FACT THAT HE WON'T TALK ABOUT IT. he won't tell even US what he did. eliot spencer core actually. i am beside myself about it all

maybe he's right and it is all true. maybe he destroyed a ship and framed a friend AND let some kids go. it's literally none of business though like he's not gonna tell us

anyway, i heard the term "brain implant" and nearly died on the spot, so 10/10 episode

honestly, they should have just upgraded this guy to a regular. he is so good

NEXT TIME: tng's "emergence" and ds9's "crossover" AND YES I KNOW THAT'S MIRRORVERSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#personal #star trek blogging #tng lb #ds9 lb

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gunkbaby · 4 months

Note

if Shuu was a human what would his top 5 favourite foods be?

ooh good one. This is tricky bc shuu is such a picky eater, but still has this ‘eat the world’ attitude, i think one thing abt human shuu aus rly neglect to compensate for is how closely tied Shuu is to the idea of being an apex predator, but I think you can still achieve it, and I will try my best! i do know a bit abt gourmet food! (There are actually a lot of books abt food critics and gourmet chefs who get 𝕗𝕣𝕖𝕒𝕜𝕪 with cooking)

i feel like is also hard bc shuu would probably like everyone to think his favourite food is something rare and exotic so maybe he would twist the truth a little. Narrowing down specific foods is difficult but I will try my best!

Kaneki’s bussy

Orlotan - this fucked me up when i heard about it. But the practice of eating orlotan is utter decadence - to a ridiculous extent. It’s a bit like Foie Gras - the orlotan are wild caught and force fed to double their mass, then drowned and marinated in Armagnac and then cooked. It’s meant to be consumed whole, the bones spat out, and typically, the consumer is traditionally supposed to wear a napkin or towel over their face whilst they eat the bird. I can’t remember why - but I’ve seen it said that is either to maintain dignity when spitting out the bones, or to shield such a disgraceful act from God’s eyes. The latter sounds cool as fuck so i believe it. I love Jesus!!! I think Shuu would lap something like that up. I’ve yet to find something so dreadfully French in the matter of food, and I think he’d probably say this is his favourite food - if only for the amount of ceremony involved.

Cheesecake - Shuu always mentioning cheesecake in early TG and I would like to give him this one as a little treat. I don’t know a lot abt cheesecake bc i fucking hate the stuff but maybe he’d like something like Basque? Which is just burned custard(?) cheesecake - i was reminded of tiramisu but apparently it’s more of a soufflé. I think he’d probably go for something floral too - rose cheesecake’s probably a thing, lavender, peony. I don’t know if I see him as a sweet/dessert person. He’s more likely to enjoy richer desserts like cheesecake and chocolates.

Dark Chocolate - maybe a sneak! I am a Dark Chocolate Enjoyer so total bias but hear me out (yes i do also like black liquorice!). If it is less than 80% cocoa it’s too sweet! He’d be a 100% kind of guy, because bragging rights. I think he might enjoy it with some fruits, maybe with orange biscuits or raspberries. I think he’d like raspberries, they taste like little rubies to me. Dark chocolate goes good with almond butter, he might make it fancy - foamed raspberry with shredded chocolate over almond biscuits with coffee cream. we might call that a rather bizarre mocha, but shuu would say it’s a deconstructed tiramisu. the reason i think he’d choose dark chocolate is because i don’t think he’d eat sweets. Dark chocolate has a deeper taste profile, in my experience dark chocolate is always unique. This might appeal to Shuu. It goes well with far more flavours than typical chocolate - spices, florals, etc - i recently had dark chocolate almonds dusted in matcha! They were utterly divine. Dark chocolate is highly overrhated in my opinion.

Exotic Meat - this is a generalisation sorry 😢 But I believe it canonical - very premium cuts of meat from animals you might not typically farm - zebra, bear, crocodile, rattlesnake, that sort of thing. It’s really controversial for some reason and as a vegan I should be opposed, but I think wild hunting is leagues better than farming, provided it’s not an endangered species, but Shuu would definitely eat an endangered species. Maybe he likes to brag and his favourite meat is snow leopard, or something. Dodo. Dinosaur, even (he was There).

Fugu (pufferfish) - this is shorthand for ‘dangerous food’ lol! Without the danger of being a ghoul, we have to consider how a human shuu might chase this danger. He might hunt his exotic meats, but I think he might try and achieve this by also eating dangerous food - food that’s poisonous or toxic. a bit of a Russian roulette. I wouldn’t even put it beneath a human or a ghoul Shuu to eat something with worms! (Same tbh. Would.)

i think most of the above are what Shuu might want people to believe are his favourite foods, so I’d like to take some time to throw my other ideas in the ring.

I think he’d take comfort in Monte Cristo - if only because in a human universe, I would take it to be his father’s favourite food. He’d probably be given it as a child or something, so good associations. There’s not much rly to say else there, but the idea of Shuu eating a toastie fascinates me. If he eats it when he’s sad, i think he’d look like that little mouse video, but otherwise I think he’d eat a toastie with a knife & fork.

I mentioned dark chocolate earlier, but of course he might also like some luxury chocolates - i think of these wonderful chocolates i saw once, that had been dyed and marbled to look like planets and marbled, filled with pistachio or coffee foams. Wonderful. Straight from switzerland or italy. Maybe he would enjoy ruby chocolate too? I’ve never had it! I said no sweets but white chocolate has a time and place, but it works wonderfully with wasabi or miso - i made wasabi and white chocolate cupcakes once. Good lord. He would like that. White chocolate and nuts is also very good. When I was vegetarian, my guilty pleasure used to be salted liquorice dipped in white chocolate - but I don’t know if he’d like that!

i think he’d eat sea urchin.

Some drinks too! -

Coffee: specifically coffee with blue seaweed or Kopi Iuwak. He’s definitely tried it, but does he like it? Who knows? I’ve always wanted to try seaweed coffee. Kopi Iuwak is coffee beans that’s already passed through the digestive system of a civet. It sounds like a bit of a farce to me, but i don’t think it’s as repulsive as people make out.

matchaaaa - bias i just think everyone should drink matcha

moon milk - i’ve never had this bc broke but it sounds so good. I think he’d like the pink/rose milk the most! maybe the blue spirulina?

Nut milks - vegan bias but seriously who can honestly argue cow juice tastes better than a refreshing glass of cashew milk??? Shuu would probably have something like pistachio milk, tigernut, brazil nut, macadamia -that sort of thing! Stuff you can’t get from the shops!

People will probably kill me if I don’t mention escargot or frogs legs so. Obligatory mention. Personally I find that to be rather typical and cliched - ooh, mandatory french food! So bizarre! Whatever. Partly why this ask took me a long time to get to, is because I wanted to go through my books and notes. It would have been easy for me to sit here and type that human Shuu would eat lobster and ragyu and live baby shrimp in miso soup, but i think it’s too obvious. In my experience, there is so much more to get out of Shuu when you delve deeper and don’t say the first thing!

i also want to say, sometimes i see how we (westerners) talk about food from different cultures. lots of high-class gourmet stuff seems silly, but i dont care to mock it. i can’t enjoy food anymore, but it makes me happy that some people enjoy food enough to make it a silly and pompous hobby. But i think sometimes we look at frogs legs or zebra steaks, orlotan or fugu, fermented egg, people eating guinea pigs, chihuahua or cat, sometimes we have a tendency to say it’s gross and twisted, but i don’t think that’s necessary. if something tastes good, if an animal has good meat, then why not? eating the world is sometimes a good thing. not always, but sometimes.

This question made me think a lot, so thank you! I was thinking about a human shuu - all the stories you could make up! There’s a lot to sink your teeth into!

I’m sorry if this was incoherent last night i took 40 laxatives and i just drank 2 monster energy back to back I feel very sane!!!!

#asks #thank you for the ask!#shuu asks #shuucore #shuu tsukiyama #Human! Shuu #tg gunk #So much to think about #Food #gunk #ask again. Yes #This ask was so fun #thank you!

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soupbitch-moneybitch · 5 months

Text

for the tiny crossover of people who love ofmd and also race cars:

i mentioned this in a discord i'm in, but i am not a sports person at all, and i am ESPECIALLY not a race car person, except my partner has a tendency to periodically get really into a specific topic (fungi, the atomic bomb, ebola, etc), and by extension, bc i love him and love listening to him, i tend to learn things about these things by extension

which is all to say, i am now kind of disgustingly familiar with formula 1 race car driving?? to the point that i have opinions on the teams, and have favorite drivers, and know a bunch of the history and stuff. it fundamentally clashes with almost ever facet of my personality, yet i have watched almost every race this season live

the POINT tho, and also the critical problem, is that formula 1 racing--more so than any other race car competitions--lends itself SO FUCKING WELL to a blackbonnet au

if you don't know (-god i wish that were me pic-) formula 1 racing is international, and the teams are all from different countries, and so are the drivers, so you have all kinds of nationalities up in there. and there's a shitton of nepotism, and generational racers, and buying their way in, and all that sort of stuff, which ofc makes me think of like

ed, being this formula 1 driver who is one of the only drivers to start from the bottom and work his way up on skill alone, and he's about to break the record for number of world championships, but he's so fucking BORED with the whole thing, bc he has no competition anymore. he wins every race, no one even comes close, it's just the same day in and day out

ENTER

stede. mb his dad/family owns a team, or are big sponsors, so everyone assumes he got his place bc of daddy's money, esp bc he wasn't known in the racing circuit prior to formula 1, so ed doesn't pay any attention to this dude at all, besides a brief "oh cool, another kiwi #respect"

right up until stede beats him in a race

and suddenly there's real competition again. and they are stuck doing press together bc they always get podiums together after every grand prix, and they go out celebrating together in whatever random country they're in that week, but mb stede has never been much of a partier, and ed was over it years ago, so they come up with their own celebration rituals, that are just them hanging out and watching tv at the hotel, or playing racing video games, or whatever the fuck. and obviously they start to fall for each other, which causes all kinds of drama, bc izzy, ed's team lead, is like "don't let this poncy fuck get in your head!" and the fans are divided on whether they ship ed and stede, or if they hate stede for coming after ed's record breaking win, or if they LOVE stede for coming after ed's record breaking win, and it's just a huge clusterfuck of drama that makes it really hard to develop a real relationship during, esp considering that they hop countries literally every two weeks

and ofc it has to come down to the wire. they have an equal number of points at the final grand prix, so whichever one of them wins that race wins the championship. what will happen??? i dunno, but whatever it is, they'll fuck about it afterward for sure

it fits together like a gd puzzle. the story writes itself. but am i rly gonna be that person? am i rly gonna have to be a person who writes fanfiction about fucking RACE CARS???

this is ruining my life

#i just started an angsty wip #so i gotta focus on that #but #this also won't leave my head #ugh #blackbonnet #gentlebeard #our flag means death #ofmd #ofmd fanfic #diz says words #i did not reread any of what i wrote up there btw #complete stream of consciousness so don't @ me

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raytorosaurus · 1 year

Note

I have seen maybe half a season of TUA and didn’t read the comics so let me tell you seeing those panels where Vanya is yelling “We belong on that stage” (and in reference to herself and her taller blonde bass-playing brother) drawn in profile with literally Gerard’s haircut and outfit was a big shock to the system. I never even considered that he’d inserted elements of himself and his bandmates into TUA except for a bunch of weird edits people made comparing how much Aiden Gallagher looks like Frank but now I feel like I really need to read it.

im really looking forward to rereading all of the comics after this semester's over because i haven't done that since volume 3's run ended and i'll definitely make more coherent posts about it then but like. it's really really interesting to compare to all of gerard's other art because he is just...so distinctively him, even across different mediums and genres. tua and mcr and hesitant alien and kjna and his visual art etc etc etc like his artistic fingerprint is stamped so boldly and unapologetically all over them and that's something i really love about him. like his art, love it or hate it, is sooooo genuine always. even when he's purposely imitating other artists, he's very consciously doing it in his own voice, putting his own spin on it.

when i say tua and mcr are completely separate projects i mean it - i don't think one should only ever be discussed in relation to/in the context of the other - and, above all, tua is certainly not like...autobiographical, or a direct representation of real people/events. it's led by gerard but it has a different creative team than mcr does and that really shows as well - i definitely wanna talk ant this when i have more time but part of the reason im not sold on conweap as an album is because it's too umbrella academy - it's really evident that gerard was working on both of them at the same time, and letting one influence the other too directly. mcr's a band, not a Gerard Project, and umbrella academy is largely a duo (w gabriel bá), so they can't just be transplanted onto each other yk.

anyway I'm rambling but all this to say - tua isn't meant to be "about" mcr any more than bullets is "about" 9/11. but gerard's life was changed and shaped by his experiences in the music scene throughout his life, by dropping everything and living as a penniless artist, by becoming suddenly (in)famous, and that really shines through in tua. he says he drew inspiration from touring band life to write a dysfunctional family, and the dehumanising effects of fame and attention, and of being categorised and scrutinised on a private or public level, are huge themes - as is addiction, mental health, complicated grief.

like...i actually got into mcr through the tua comics lmaooo. i read volume 1 because of wonderful @blackmoldmp3 talking about it and immediately said oh. i need more from this dude's brain right now. and i was soooo not disappointed haha. i really am obsessed with quite a lot of the things gerard is also obsessed with as an artist. the particular themes and imagery and scenarios he's fixated on are really very consistent throughout everything he does - only the way they're discussed or portrayed does change over time. i don't rly subscribe to the idea of gleaning specifics abt artists' personal lives from their works because, beside all else, it just does them a huge disservice (that's my number one gripe with the popular talking pounts around hes alien and frank's solo work in particular; however "confessional" you wanna read art as, it's still art that was created with skill and intent.)

anyway that's way off topic dkfnfj. what i do love about this kind of thing is looking at distinct creations in the context of the rest of an artist's body of work. like...yeah, gerard's said there's a lot of mikey in klaus. has dressed similarly to vanya and the kraken and the seance at times etc etc. has compared himself to the rumor, because she's the one he relates to most. puts a lot of his familiar ideology surrounding music and performance into vanya. puts angry teenage vanya in a shitty punk band with her disillusioned teenage brother on bass, and puts a classical music prodigy in a punk band as an excellent guitarist, writing songs about killing the president etc etc. i could go on! because these things are just scattered everywhere through the comic, just like all of gerard thematic and aesthetic and ideologic fingerprints.

so what's reallyyy interesting to me is looking at umbrella academy as something gerard wrote on the road with mcr across multiple years. volume one was released while the tbp world tour was ongoing, and volume two only a few months after. the progression of parade -> tua -> conweap -> danger days is SOOOO fascinating to me, especially because one of the things that really works about danger days imo is the way it kind of shakes off some of the tua-style gritty cynicism and returns to mcr's defiant, extravagant theatricality. if you go through tua with a fine-tooth comb you'll definitely find the most direct comparisons to conweap, in terms of mcr. the way dd approaches the themes it has in common with tua is just.....so different, and so so mcr. and then you can see the at times self-referential development on those things in hesitant alien - AND THEN VOLUME 3 COMES AROUND AND LIKE. AUUUGGGGHHHHH the change and growth there is SO apparent. btw i don't mean "growth" "progression" etc in this post to mean "improving" - i just mean change and development in a neutral sense, bc it's so interesting to see it laid out there in an artist's body of work. but like. man it makes me crazeeee actually the way gerard picked tua back up....almost certainly around the same time mcr started discussing a potential reunion. and the way that foundations revisits and reconceptualises mcr's existing catalogue is paralleled in the way vol 3 of tua is, like...........like there's so much life lived there, between those things. gerard's even said he's changed his plan for the ending (if we ever see it 🥲) because he has more compassion for his own characters now and doesn't want to see them broken down for good. he says he's gotten better at listening to other people - for starters, he's a lot more conscious of his own subconscious racism/whiteness that came through at times in the original run and has expressed regret for that (namely, the entire main cast being white, with a couple of side characters being uncomfortably stereotyped).

but just like. augh. im not gonna lie man i have no idea what i've just typed im sorry it's probably so rambly bc I'm so dizzy rn and definitely am not gonna proofread it or whatever skdjfj but. I LOVE ART! I LOVE ARTISTS! I LOVE DIVING DEEP INTO AN ARTIST'S BODY OF WORK AND WATCHING THEM REINVENT THEMSELF AND/OR DOUBLE DOWN ON THEMSELF (SOMETIMES FOR BETTER, SOMETIMES FOR WORSE). obvs this fandom genuinely does have a big issue with invasive/un-self-aware parasocial behaviour but there's a difference between that and like. getting obsessed with a particular artist. that's so normal and in fact necessary to life imo. i think every artist literally has to have ppl like that i can't imagine any other way to live it's just a specific type of human connection at a distance baby. don't get me wrong tho i also wanna chew on his thigh. anyway.

my god. how did i get here what even was your question. tua. yes it's crazy. it's not for everyone for sure but it has enough of the shit that makes me crazzzzyyyyy that it got me into mcr which made me crazierrrr so. yes i can recommend. especially if ur like me and lovvvve stories that are a little bit fractured by design. that dance around big parts of the story, where there's as much significance in an absence or in a tiny background detail than there is in any dialogue or action scene. most of the criticism i see of tua is about the pacing but like. to my tastes it's a really great use of the comic medium yk? lmk if you want content warnings or something there are plenty skdjfj.

#how was i completely braindead today and then too dizzy to read text. and then somehow type this shit on my phone with my eyes half-closed.#am i literally just lazy or is a hyperfixation strong enough to kvercome any illness lolz #sorry if this went in a billion circles but the room im in is also spinning a little so. skfndkfndjdjfjdj #umbrella academy #tua #mcr talk #*#answered

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dogfags · 3 months

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kinda sad that like me & my ex roommate / old best friend pretty much got closure & resolved whatever issues we had with each other but then still. kinda just don't talk and haven't hung out since everything happened. and like it does make me sad bc she was my best friend and we lived together for years but I also. have completely outgrown that entire friend group and am no longer interested in the things we used to do together that we were both into at the time. we don't really have much in common anymore. I mean there are some things we do share in common but idk. meeting all of Chris's friends last night and having a little trauma dumping sesh (lol) made me realize how much I've changed in such a short amount of time. since being properly medicated and moving out and becoming kinda more independent. I told Chris's friends a lot of what happened with my ex & that friend and they were all so kind to me and like sweet and understanding. and I really feel like I am making new friends in these people which is insane bc I have such a hard time making friends I feel like. but no I've made genuine real connections with the people at work now, the people at school as well, and now Chris's friends consider me their friend too ?? like damn I guess I am fully capable of making friends and connections. I am a charismatic likeable person with my own personality that people Enjoy being around. it's wild. and all it took was getting the correct diagnosis and being put on the right meds. and moving out and finding Chris ofc. Chris honestly has done so much for me already and it's wild to me how much I have just let myself be mistreated by partners. like even tho we started talking in the worst of circumstances he still was like no I want to be with u and explore my feelings for u. I just appreciate him so much and it's crazy how much healthier I am now mentally. I had a whole identity crisis over not rly being in that friend group anymore and I'm now coming out the other side of it feeling more Myself™ and like I've met people who really understand me. I still miss my old friend and maybe we will hang out or something some time. idk. I'm probably gunna just wait for her to reach out bc ik she just moved and is probably still settling. plus idk how her bf feels about me now lol. I am so glad I've finally like moved on from that relationship with my ex tho and I'm not tied to them at all anymore and I can just leave all of that bullshit behind me. I love my Chris so much and I feel more loved & accepted by him and also his friends than I ever have before in my life. it's so cool to finally meet people Like Me. also at Chris's party it was so wholesome and fun like we just chatted and played games and there wasn't weed or alcohol which is such a Virgin Loser thing of me to say but omg it's so nice being around people at a party without having to be the only person who isn't high or drunk 😭 transitions are hard but I feel like I'm levelling up in my life rn. which isn't to knock my old friends. i just am not interested in that lifestyle anymore and it's ok that they are. it's just nice to find people who understand me now

#barks #i feel like those people served their purpose in my life and we are kind of going our separate ways now #like which isnt to say we arent friends anymore or we'll never hang out again #but just that im sort of moving on with my life in a different direction that is more suited for me

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rpfisfine · 1 year

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more things from the linz show

i will preface this by saying i wasn't able to get the vip golden circle section of the floor when i was buying the tickets so i """"only"""" stood right behind the barricade that separated the vip section from the normal section of the floor and while i mourned quite intensely not being as close to the stage as i had originally hoped for a moment i'm now realizing i have pretty much nothing to complain abt bc the spot i got was still pretty amazing. the reason i'm saying this is that if any of this turns out to be inaccurate or feels lacking it's because there were times where i had a pretty suckass view of the stage bc someone's head was in the way and i'm 5'3 LOL. but like 75% of the time i was able to see everything & i had the best time at the show : -)

they took SO LONG to come onstage after inhaler came out which is understandable considering it's their first show after a slight break so everything has to be put in order again but it was still so confusing lmao we were cheering like 3 or 4 separate times while the sound technician guys were still bringing out gear every time it got slightly dark bc we thought this was finally it but it never was. idk if the length & the confusion was like amplified by the fact that my legs & back were actively killing me and i was starving and dying and desperate for them to finally come out but yeah. many such cases

this thing was briefly displayed during the sound checking at one point. is it like. a car wheel.

there was literally the weirdest deal with the security guys at the barricade. before the show started they brought out this huge tank of water with two long packs of paper cups & everyone around me pretty much concluded that like oh they're gonna hand out water to ppl if they feel thirsty. makes sense. but then when ppl started reaching out their hands asking for a drink the security guy would like start laughing and tell us that it isn't drinking water (?) plus there were other security guys coming over to tell him not to give us the water but when ppl begged rly intensely he would hand them a cup. like rly reluctantly & mostly ignoring the ppl right against the barricade & only giving it to the ppl in like the third or four row AND also laughing at us the whole time like this is the last one i'm giving you guys!!! at this point i had run out of my own water & couldn't leave my spot to go out and buy a drink so i didn't care abt anything and was one of the ppl who were reaching out their hands but he always ignored me even though he stood right in front of me LOL. fast forward to the end of the am show and there is a different security guy at the barricade and he's like giving water to EVERYONE who barely lifts a finger to ask for it no problem & no one is like actively preventing him from doing it anymore. so. literally no clue what that one was about

my honest reaction to inhaler after seeing them for the 1st time not knowing any songs: really good!!!!! very good energy. will admit that all the songs pretty much sounded the same to me but a couple of them stood out and during 'if you're gonna break my heart' a lot of us did the waving the phone flashlights thing and the photographer took a picture of us <3

there were two girls at the barricade next to me who looked like this 😐🙄😒 the entire time + only knew the lyrics to snap out of it & diwk + only got excited when they played a song off of am and one of them was actively browsing tiktok at several points during the show & i was like okay. what was even like the point of you coming to the show then why don't we all kill ourselves. but whatever

(also they literally just spent the show recording like 1 minute long videos of every song & blocking my view of the stage w the phones i wanted to shred and murder)

when they came out with sculptures i. had a moment. also he did the lifting the mic stand thing again as usual. Classic

brianstorm is insane live. we all know this. yet i still wasn't prepared like matt is quite genuinely a beast

alex was saying soooooo much stupid shit i’m forgetting a lot of what he said but most of it was just like shouting "LINZ!!!" he rly enjoyed that one. also he said "hello!!!" at one point as well as asking us like how we were doing and thanking us :-)

overall he seemed to be having a great time like he sounded genuinely excited & like obviously pleased at how enthusiastic the crowd was <3

when they got to the 'but it don't sound much like you' part in snap out of it i was wondering whether he'd say 'girl' or 'mama' but he said darling......

he announced crying lightning by just shouting "crying lightning!!" like. spitting straight facts i guess. same thing with pretty visitors but he didn’t shout that one he just like Said it. I guess

during the last verse before the solo in don't sit down he sang 'but just don't sit down because i moved your chair.........OVER THEREEEEEEEEE' IT WAS SOOOOOO MY JAW GENUINELY DROPPED HIS VOICE IS SO GOOD LIKE HOLY SHIT..

also what ppl have said aby his voice irl being higher than you'd expect is so true!!!! in a rly strange way it's not rly as deep as the videos make it out to be like there is a quality to the tone/pitch of his voice that doesn't really translate through like recorded footage. doesthat make sense

they played these short little instrumental interludes between the songs like they always do but at one point it genuinely sounded as if they were gonna play when the sound goes down. they didn't but honestly seeing how the rest of the show turned out i honestlyfinal think that would've been like the final nail to my coffin

ppl waved their arms during the pretty visitors chorus!!! (i also waved them)

SUCK IT AND SEE...............i'm honestly still in disbelief like it started out soooo slow and quiet and beautiful and sad and gradual without guitar it honestly took me like 7 seconds to even recognize the song bc out of all of the new additions to the setlist i was expecting to witness that song was NOT . one of them

after sias he said 'thank you linz..........sensational....' or sth to that effect i think. blushing and kicking my feet

i'm not joking when i say i'm literally like typing this through a mist of sweat bc i still haven't recovered but yeah immediately after sias ended he said sth like 'we'd like to play a song from our latest record called the car now' so I’m already SCREAMING like browsing the album in my head like okay big ideas i ain’t quite hello you maybe. and he goes 'it's called perfect sense' .

to make a long story short i barely got out of that one alive like hearing & singing 'sometimes i wrap my head around it all and it makes perfect sense' while being in the process of witnessing something you know you're gonna spend the next like six months actively trying to wrap your head around to make it make sense is UM.

ANYWAY. STAR TREATMENT WAS SOOOOOO INCREDIBLE & SO BEAUTIFUL i will forever defend it as the best version of the song there is unless they outdo themselves of course like the guitar arrangement is AMAZING. also the lights were sooooo pretty during it they like orbited the arch around matt's drumkit & illuminated the ceiling & everything......sooooo pretty + alex's voice was AMAZING

also i spent a few more hours brain searching and yeah i'm pretty sure he said 'i just wanted a jet ski for the moat' instead of 'i just wanted to be one of the strokes' at the beginning BUT i'm like 99% sure i heard 'i just wanted to be a jet ski on the moat' at first which i'm devastated isn't the case because that would be the silliest fucking thing ever but alas. it's still SO funny

jamie is such a king..................out of the 4 of them he was the one i had the best view of & he sat down to play the keyboard for two songs i think four out of five was one of them and 505 the other. and he SLAYED IT

NICK IS SO BEAUTIFUL.................................

everyone’s backing vocals were AMAZING

before they played fluorescent adolescent alex said sth like 'take it away, matthew...' EVERYONE SCREAMED SOOOOOOOO LOUD when they started playing the song the girls next to me were like covering their mouths in surprise & we all went completely insane

like genuinely the crowd was . DEAFENING at times esp during the bigger songs like i was actively shouting at the top of my lungs and i COULDN'T HEAR MYSELF. it was INCREDIBLE genuinely like it exceeded my wildest expectations my ears are still ringing

#im forgetting so many things while also like actively doubting my memory abt all of this like did i genuinely hallucinate the whole show.#don’t reblog this yet guys im adding another . part. help me

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