#And the fact that I haven't talked to my father in months (I'm traumatized from years of emotional abuse from him)

[eluxcastar]

Small disclaimer - This isn't a hate piece on Kagami; this is just my opinion. It's ok the criticise a person's work if it comes from good intentions and isn't meant to outright bash the series. I try several times throughout to provide some suggestions for ways I think the things I take issue with could've been done differently, because I'm trying to provide critique that's actually helpful instead of just "Idk he should've figured it out himself lol"

Look I love fluff and backstory and reveals but fluff and especially backstory in an overarching story has to make sense to be reasonable. Why didn't we get all the MikaYū out of our systems back when it would've MADE SENSE FOR THE STORY when they were reconnecting and reforming their bond??? We got a bit, but all of this stuff should've been sprinkled in during those times.

Why didn't we get a scene of them talking and reminiscing on the bus instead of a random flashback in the middle of plot important conversations? More than just on top of the car. These people haven't been in close contact with each other in four years and only a few months has passed since they reunited, and they clearly weren't doing much considering we had time to throw Ferid out of a window.

Why not have them bond over their shared goals and talk more about Mika's dwindling emotions in Ferid's house after it was revealed and they clearly had a lot of time?

Why weren't some of the orphanage flashbacks included just after it was revealed 'Mr Saito' (who Mika was said to like because he gave him drug money to buy lollies) was using them? It could've been a great opportunity to establish the kind of role Rígr had in their lives and give Yū some insight on what life in the orphanage was actually supposed to be like.

Why not include a scene after Mika's death as a Vampire for Yū to grieve and possibly think about the fact he's now lost his entire Hyakuaya Orphanage family? Whatever happened to the nightmares he was having about losing Mika? And back to a different point why didn't the idea of being in Ferid's house again spark any memories of one of the most traumatic events of his life?

Yes I can hear the BuT RiRi it'S NoT jUsT miKaYū and yes I am aware, but the flashbacks regarding them just seem to make the least sense??? Crowley's singular page where he explained what he was in his Human life helped put into perspective the kind of emotional damage that caused him for even people who didn't read Vampire Michaela. 105 gave us a flashback to explain Urd and Rígr's several conflicts and the animosity between them that had yet to be clarified. Shinoa's past gave us a better idea of what she experienced in her childhood as a result of just being born, and why she even goes along with all this stuff when she's supposed to be logical.

Then we get a MikaYū flashback and it's like "Oh Mika? He's taking a dump rn" AND WHY DID I NEED TO KNOW THAT EXACTLY?? Not everything had to be plot centric but if memory serves it directly interrupted the plot. Mika could go take a dump in the WOODS for all I care. No I don't like the placement of Ashera's flashback, even if the contents is good.

There is also a lot to say about Shinoa (outside of her love for Yū), which while I liked the little we learned in the manga the light novels definitely portrayed something different to what we have now. Yes, I know, that's dumb out of context because I am definitely NOT the same person I was eight years ago I still had a Father back then ffs but Shinoa was shown to be very resourceful—she used many aspects of all of her abilities like spells. Now she relies heavily on cursed gear, which is great and I adore how it was animated in the adaptation, but variety wise it would've been a lot more interesting for her to be shown using the many aspects of her knowledge to support her and her teammates attacks (not I'm not saying I wish she was EXCLUSIVELY support but like there are many ways she could boost her own attacks, help her teammates in a pinch, get herself out of tough situations, especially now that she doesn't have cursed gear I want to see an actual impact of that).

There are many other things I could say too, like the lack of weight I feel to many of the characters' trauma and the things they got through. Why didn't we learn anything about Mirai and Shiho before or after her death? How am I supposed to care about him when I know next to nothing about his relationship to Mirai? I know they're siblings and he loves her, but he was going to ignore seeing her when she was possibly going to die to finish a school test. Where is she now? He left her in a freezer last we saw. If there was any time for a flashback it would be now.

Mitsuba's first conflicts have never come back up again about how she accidentally 'killed' her squad leader. That too feels trivial now, I can't see the affect it has on her beyond her just giving up and letting Yū do what he wants because he saved her once and she has a crush on him?? I don't need his address or anything but what was their relationship like? How long had she known him? Her experience? Had they previously fought over the issue? How am I supposed to understand why this has impacted her beyond the obvious of causing the death of another Human being when I don't know anything about how they were as subordinate and superior?

Yoichi's revenge on Lacus and the personality he's keeping hidden feels like a late addition, and not in a good way, there was nothing to indicate it or even hint at it. Why not have Yūichirō lose control of his demon instead and have it be a point of suspicion how effectively Yoichi dealt with the process despite the doubts surrounding him? It would've also brought Yū's ability down a notch to feel more Human, more inexperienced (like he is) because if I recall someone with that much ambition and desire is easier to overwhelm. SHOW that instead of telling it and then saying 'Oh this guy is just the exception'. Yoichi showing hidden strength and wit (in dealing with Yū in that state) from day one would've made it marginally more believable that maybe that personality always existed in him.

[popculturebuffet]

Christmas In July Finale: Mickey Rooney's Crazy Pills Present: Silent Night Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker: A Rope of Sand (Comission for Cory Bryant)

Hello all you people ane welcome to the finale of christmas in july where we have a special present for you

This time he's supposed to be here. Yes folks to close out this festival of lovely holiday entertainment... my good friend Cory is having me review that time Mickey Rooney got hammered and made a movie where his puppet son kills people then dry humps a woman while telling her "I Love you mommy, I love you mommy" while naked and resembling a ken doll because MickeY Rooney apparently didn't know how to make a penis

Yes this is a film that sounds way more intresting than it is, mixing some creative and bloody toy kills.. with a lot of padding: THRILL as our leading lady tries to get her traumatized son to talk two weeks after what he thought was his dad was choked to death by a santa ball that slammed him onto a fire poker. SHUDDER as we get an overly long sex scene and I pray for death btu death won't come. WONDER if Mickey Rooney is actually drinking Jack Daniels. CHECK YOUR WATCH IF YOU HAVE ONE as our leading man... stalks around, acts kinda creepy and is a red herring despite it being pretty clear it's either mickey rooney or his puppet son from the first 20 minutes.

Silent Night Deadly Night 5 is a weird film that's at the same time way more boring in parts than it has a right to be, trying to build up tension and care for our cast but instead leaving you wanting to

Let's begin under the cut as we answer that question and more you never had as I finish the last review before vacation. The only thing standing between me and my vacation is Mickey Rooney and his robot son so let's do this.

So you might be wondering why i'm covering the 5th film in a series I haven't touched. Well for one like Nightmare on elm Street 2 last month, it's a standalone: Silent Night Deadly Night 4 and 5 are standalone films given the title because sequels = profit in video store terms. The first film had santa shock value the second had

The third .. er exists, and this film, the only one of the five i've seen adn it's predecessor had good ole Brian Yuzna. Brian Yuzna is a horror legend, known for directing the gooey orgy that is Society, the dentist duology and the two reanimator sequels. These films were done mostly for the money, but it's clear he put some effort in and thus their more fun than they should be.

It was helped by another horror legend, Screaming Mad George. Yes that's his title and yes he lives up to it. He did the effects for most of Yuzna's films, along with Nightmare on elm Street 3, Nightmare On Elm Street 4, and Freaked which i'm bound by law to mention as Cory really likes it and I have not seen it.

Yuzna's effects are good, wether he has a decent budget like Soceity (another film I need to see), or a paperclip and a piece of string as with this film. Despite the thin budget Yuzna gets some REALLY graete kills out of this film: We see a santa choke a man onto a fire poker

A toy plane pull out fucking buzzsaws, a toy superhero blow shit up constantly, and a toy hand choke a man while a toy snake forces his lover ot help choke him. Whent his film has kills, it has kills for days.

Unfortunately the bulk.. isn't that intresting. It has a good SETUP but simply not the acting talent nor the fucks to give to pull it off. The film starts with a boy named derek who gets a mystery present only to get berated by his dad, who he just saw rail his mom and who wears a gold chain while having sex because he classy. He dies horribly by santa nad fire poker as discussed.

This leaves poor derek traumatized, refusing to sleep in his room or speak. His mom is.. less than sympathetic. While you do at least get the sense she cares she wants him okay NOW dammit.. despite the fact it's been TWO WEEKS since she saw his father die and has given him zero therapy.

TWO WEEKS

That is not enough time to build a wrestling angle much less help a child greive. I get she dosne'tk now santa ball murder him though I have to ask

I mean did the cops not at least look at the santa ball or she at least think he tripped on it? It didn't slither away far as I could see, the toy was right there. And even if it wasn't she never questioned why her husband fell on a fire poker or thought "Gee him impaling himself somehow really startled little derek". She also fails to pick up his trauma buttons: he's scared to go to Peto's where the toy came from and around toys in general and tends to act like he's having a tantrum instead of deep seated trauma. It's hard to invest in her worry over her son when it's less "Oh god what has happened to my boy" and more "When can he stop being traumtized so we can move on". I get she didn't like her husband, and he seemed like a real dick, but Derek clearly still feels bad he died.

So most of the film is her trying to cheer him up with santa and petos. And yes Petos sounds exactly like what your sounding out and is exactly as awkard as it sounds. It's because his son is called peno who he turns out in the climax to have built because his son died when his wife died of a miscarriage. Get it PINO. PETO.

Pino is also a name. Pino is mildly offputting but seems harmless while Peto is an absolute dick to him, raving at the boy while drinking constantly. While the abuse is acting, the drinking seems entirely real and was likely part of Rooney's contract. Their whole vibe is just Peto shouting abuse while Pino is awkard and weird because, as it turns out he's a robot and Peto couldn't help him become a real boy. Or build him a penis. And look It's weird to talk abou ta pinocchio stand in's lack of johnson but the film outright has Pino point it out and say outright Mickey Rooney cannot build a real dick for a real boy. Just as an assurance i'm not on jack , my give a fucks are already on vacation ahead of me.

So while Mickey Rooney is overly abusive, his rage is justified as it turns out later Pino has been modifying his toys to murder people.. something MickeY Rooney did in the past after his wife died in a murder rage and he taught Pino to do because that ended up working out well. I mean he's still a dick but I get him being mad Pino is murdering people and breaking into houses. Oh yeah he breaks into their house and then hides in the closet, is found and runs out awkwardly.

With our leading lady only not calling the cops because Mickey rooney spins her a tale about having lived in their house... though later evidence suggests Pino is just a creep. We'll circle back to that.

The bulk of the film is what the film thinks is building tension.. but is really just slow scenes. Mostly from Noah. Noah is Derek's Mom's ex and Danny's REAL father, who she never told him about because gold chain man gave her security. Noah is heavily creepy, showing up to talk to just derek, playing santa which while his job he swaps with Clint Howard who died last film but is immortal and thus is in this one, so he can visit his son. Sarah runs away.. but later he corners her in a dark parking garage then once she figures out he's not the serial killer he acts like they fuck and reconcile leading to the climax. And several offscreen climaxes.

Before that though danny also shows he's a bit of a piece of shit as to get his landlord off his back while he investigates Peto, having found out his backstory I already told yas, he gives the guy at his hotel trying to throw him out a toy.. which kills him. I mean the kill is neat: the toy is a goofy antillion.. that burrows through his fucking brain and out his eye. I told you the effects were good.

The problem is ther'es good kills.. but not much else. And i'm a horror fan who prefers films with a bit more to them. A good kill is nice, and can save a film, but if a film's not either geninely good enough to carry the rest of it or goofy as shit enough to make me laugh during the other parts, it dosen't work and really most of the family drama is just there. About 2/3 of this film are just a boring woman being mean to her kid and a broing man investigating toys while neither show any signs of a personality.

When the film hits it hits: One of Danny's friends finds a present he throws away, and gets murdered goofily on rocket skates.. well amost murdered he ends up in a cast because this flim will kill gold chained men, hotel owners and mickey rooney, but will not kill a child.

Look if your going to have a film about murderous toys, you need to follow thorugh.

We do get great stuff with Pino and Peto. Brian Bremer is fucking great as PIno, getting that "trying to be human but failing the turing test with flying colors" feel beautifully and Mickey Rooney is half assing it in a hilarous enough way for it to be good. This cumilates in the two later having a fucking fight, with Pino screaming and Rooney scremaing and BREAKING A BOTTLE OF JACK DANIELS OVER HIS HEAD. IT's so amazingly melodramatic and goofy. The film needed more of this. And more Clint Howard.

The final act though.. is pretty great. While the above garage stuff happens, Pino, having finished his father off screen, dons his face so we get santa mickey rooney murdering people. He leaves a shit ton of toys int he bedroom of Derek's baby sitters, who fuck for about 20 years off my life and OH NO A HAND HAS JOINDA ND GET IT THEY THINK EACH OTHER ARE DOING HAND STUFF BUT IT'S THE HAND DOING HAND STUFF. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Thankfully they die horribly and awesomely.. wellt he boyfriend does, his girlfriend just gets caked in blood and is left to be taken care of by the hero of the last film, which I know because I looked things up. I do research.

So we get a climax as Sarah looks for Derek, lead man whose name I forgot loooks for sarah and derek but gets acidic jiz sprayedin his face. We get the reveal santa mickey rooney is actually pino and pino has no dick, and kidnapped derek to murder hima nd replace him.. and then procedes to dry hump sarah while saying I LOVE YOU MOMMY I LOVE YOU MOMMY

It's hilarous as it is GAH. Thankfully she escapes, he tries to play stab the kid but Derek fucking jumps on his back like Rambo taught him. No really he watches rambo and the force for freedom at some point because someone genuinely thought what GI JOe needed was more ptsd from NAM.. which.. it did so.. good job.

Thankfully male lead comes in awith a fucking axe, Derek can talk again and has met his real father and Sarah finished off pino. Id o like the final line of "it's only a toy mommy".. and the hint at as equel that didn't come as Yuzna and George had other things to do. God imagine the possiblities.. and the dry humping.

So this film.. is eh. It's worth a watch for the climax alone, but reviews like the one dead meat did gave me high expectations, with me remembering more the I LOVE YOU MOMMY of it all and not the fact most of this film just sorta happens. For your own santity fast forward if your bored, watch the carnage and have your self a merry july on tubi. The good parts are worth it, even if I wouldn't consider this high tier so bad it's good. But I respect the effort, the batshit insanity and the effects. It dosen't have ENOUGH but it has JUST enough for at least one watch. Merry christmas in july, thanks for reading and see you when I get back

[possumsinpeoplesuits]

CW: Literally every mental health trigger you can think of, but primarily suicide and abuse.

It's not a secret to my loved ones that I've been struggling with mental health this past year.

January of 2023 started with me having a huge nervous breakdown that sent me straight into psychosis and ended with me being institutionalized for 9 days, and partially hospitalized for another month.

Then, when I was finally stable enough to go back into work, I was put on an employee improvement plan day 1, with clear intent for them to cover their bases and fire me because they had already hired my replacement.

If that wasn't shitty enough, I then got the call from my brother that my father had taken his own life at the age of 53, and I had to deal with the face that my last call with him, immediately after leaving the hospital... was about suicide.

So, I dealt with stress the only way I knew how, and just... mentally checked out from March until, well... probably the past two months? I don't remember much of what I did until I started going back to college. Just a few tidbits here and there, but that's just kinda how I've always dealt with stress. It's why I have basically no memory of my childhood, either.

Totally normal way to deal with stress, right?

Well, the things I do remember, and an issue that's intensified these past couple of months, is some weird nebulous health issue that miiiight be adrenal insufficiency? We're not sure exactly why, whether it's autoimmune like Addison's disease, a form of hypopituataryism or whatever, but the point is my cortisol, which is a steroid/hormone your body produces to deal with stress is just... not really happening.

There's fucking... boatloads of reasons this could occur, as mentioned, but one that stood out was Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in childhood, and sometimes in treatment resistant depression, like my dad had. I have an entire rant locked and loaded about how many symptoms between the two issues overlap, and how they should reeeeally look into the deficiencies that can cause depression, fatigue, back pain, abdominal discomfort, and all that... but I've got something else I want to shout into the void tonight.

But this realization... and the fact that I don't remember much of my childhood, and the fact that what I do remember is enough trauma to already have my psychiatrist talking about PTSD for years... kinda led me to realized that I might actually have that thing I've been diagnosed with already.

Yes, I know, my roommate already had the "Yeah, that obvious" reaction, but denial is a powerful thing, and this still isn't the point I'm getting to. For that, we need to circle back to my mental breakdown, and all the things that go through my head when I'm in active psychosis.

I occasionally have hallucinations. Not frequent enough, or persistent enough for a diagnosis of any of the diagnosis like schizophrenia or the like, just enough to throw me off kilter when I'm stressed, or haven't slept enough. I usually see visual hallucinations, usually people ducking behind cars, or standing over the bed, or sometimes just contextless gore that follows me around like a gnarly eye floater.

I don't usually hear voices, but when I do, it's not... well, it's not an auditory hallucination? It's like an intrusive thought, but... verbal. I'll start having thoughts in my never-ending mental monologue that just... aren't me. The way I described it to the nurse (when asking for every sedative they had, because I was convinced this fucker was the literal devil) was that it felt like someone thinking using my brain, and that it felt like being possessed.

I never acted on it. Obviously, because I'm back home with my cats, and not in jail. These thoughts are profoundly angry, but despite being in anger management as a child, somewhere along the way I just... stopped having an anger response? To anything? My mom claimed me and my brother were mistakes, insulted my nuclear waste disposal job, outed me as trans to a room full of doomsday preppers because we were, for some reason, having Thanksgiving at their house surrounded by AR15s, and I just... laughed it off, and then blocked her number for a year and a half?

This... voice or thought intrusion thing, though, it only ever appeared before when I would have these angry blackouts, which usually wouldn't happen more than once every several years, between which I'd be a fountain of calm.

The other part of psychosis, though, is delusion. I have depression psychosis that intensifies when I'm really, really down, and when I get the combo of those two feelings together, the conclusion my brain jumps to is that everyone around me is real, but I'm not somehow? I'll sit and think about how I never get mad, or how apathetic I'll feel, and while I tend to also start doubting reality around me, it's almost always centered around this distress over just not... being real, while desperately wanting to be.

I didn't have many hallucinations, though, and talking with a therapist usually keeps me from spiraling into that delusion. The usual medications for psychosis tend to make the depression worse, so it's a careful balance of making sure I don't get too deep, while also being able to, well... function with my ADHD? That I also have?

Well, Christmas came around, and after being pretty stable all things considered, I just... didn't sleep for fourty hours. It was the first holiday visit home since my dad had killed himself, and I was spending it with my mom after reconnecting with some hard boundries to make sure she was on her best behavior.

I've still been ill, vomiting, ect, so I didn't really eat much, and ended up looping back to driving the four hours back home, and once I pulled into the parking lot... boom. I see someone hiding behind a car. Then another. Then I realize that it's EVERY car, and I realize that I'm very definitely hallucinating, and need to get some sleep ASAP.

So, I take my night meds (mirtazepine mainly, which is technically a tetracyclic antidepressant, but seems to function like an antipsychotic for my particular brand of every kind of disorder intersecting), and hide in the bathroom while listening to something not-real rooting around my house when I'm home alone, which REALLY doesn't help with the sleeping thing... but somewhere between all that, I start hearing that same voice/narrative creeping into my head.

First reaction was "Oh shit, I thought I got rid of you" because my last interaction ended with them... storming out? It's difficult to explain, it was like they got frustrated and left, which I sometimes tell as a funny story of that time I annoyed my psychosis into remission.

This time, though... it's not anything angry, and it's not alone? But this very masc voice just starts asking me who I really want to be, that none of these things I hate about myself matter because I can just change it?

I was in full on scared child mode at that point, which tends to happen when I'm really, really scared... but I can still hear my usual thoughts, too? Like the normal part of my brain is still active, as well as the other hallucination, and the night basically ended with normal-me and this voice just trying to calm scared me down.

I slept for about fourteen hours, woke up, and went "What the actual fuck was that?" and tried explaining it to someone close to me with the preface of "Okay, so I don't have DID, but this weird thing happened..." followed by everything that happened put into words as best as I could.

Then, I had a therapy appointment. Same thing, except this time he's like "No, that actually sounds like textbook DID." and it kinda made me realize I didn't have an actual reason against that? So I tried to communicate on purpose, without the whole... staying up 40 hours thing, and kinda came to a realization.

That child is the real me. At least, the original, before the more heinous abuse happened when I came out as trans, but just... dealing with being beaten at ten for not wanting to sleep in a shed in winter.

Then, the angry one I hear sometimes, that's the me that built up during the closeted years. I was absurdly angry, repressed as hell, and getting into fist fights all the time, and just... absolutely not a functioning human being, until it just... stopped.

There's another big gap there. Just a big blur where I never left my room for literal years, and then got my first job in a nursing home, and just sort of became this... very gentle person. I was good with patients with dementia, or ones who were just jerks, because everything they said would just roll off, and even if a patient got violent, it was just immediately forgiven.

When I'm breaking down, it's almost always because that nature is being taken advantage of. I'll just get more and more work piled on top of me, because I don't know how to say anything back because I don't do anger.

Then... I remember that the me I've been all these years, this endlessly forgiving person is just... not real, in the usual sense of the word. That I'm built up to be the functional one who never provokes, because the previous me was an incredibly angry man, who was built up around a scared little girl who doesn't know why mom's hitting her for wanting to sleep inside.

To be honest, I have absolutely zero idea on how to cope with any of this. My self care skills ran out like three disorders ago, but neither of these other people I am can function, so I don't think anyone else can front properly. I'm tentatively calling them alters, but I seriously don't know as much about this as I thought I did.

I don't even know everything that happened, I don't think. The things I CAN remember are horrible enough to have my psychiatrist talking about CPTSD, but there are YEARS missing that I don't remember, but my body apparently does, because even losing my job and my father killing himself somehow hasn't prompted my body to release the amount of a stress hormone I need to live?

So I guess I'm just, like... shouting into the void, asking for any more modern resources about this than Wikipedia. I've talked with one friend who's also got some plurality going on, but like... how the fuck do I reach out to two traumatized people with conflicting gender identity that apparently share my body?

Also holy fuck no wonder I cut my hair into an androgynous style and bought a binder even though I'm transfem and already had breast augmentation. I've also been going through this cycle of alternating masc and fem presentation that I didn't do before this all started.

Bruh.

[harmonymurphy]

It's been way too long since I came here to vent, so here goes. Discussion of intrusive suicidal thoughts and ideation below. Usual disclaimer that... well, I'm not exactly okay, but I'm not in any danger right now. (Not really any point in saying "don't worry about me" since nobody does.)

So I know I've mentioned my evil abusive sociopathic half-brother multiple times. Other than my father's funeral, I haven't seen him since the year 2000. Well, his wife died last year and my blood siblings attended her funeral. They said he seemed happy to see them and had expressed interest in not just visiting, but starting to come to my sister's house regularly.

I almost had a panic attack when I heard that. I did have a panic attack over it the next morning. And Mom's nagging had led to me taking my last Klonopin a few months earlier, so all I could do was lay down in my bed and wheeze and hyperventilate and all that while I tried to focus on my breathing and calm down. No matter how much I hate the way Klonopin makes me feel, panic attacks are much worse.

I don't know why I want to avoid seeing that bastard again so badly. My brother and sister were there with me, went through the same kinds of abuse, some of it was worse for them, but they didn't take it personally the way I did. Maybe it has something to do with my disability, how helpless I felt, the fact that he was physically abusing me almost daily before I was officially declared cancer-free, I don't know. But I hate him. I hate him in a way I've never hated anyone or anything else. I don't feel comfortable typing the next sentences I had planned, because that was about to get DARK. Mom would say "You don't hate your brother, you just hate what he did," but no. I. HATE. HIM.

After having the panic attack, I felt calmer. I found myself thinking that there was no way I wanted to ever see him again, but the alternative was staying locked in my room for who knows how long every time he comes over. I did that once and made it all day without a bathroom break, but I don't want that to be a regular part of my life. And I can't drive and I have nobody who could take me away while he visits. Even the one person I thought I could rely on wants to see him again and doesn't have time for me anyway. So I realized my life was on track to be unbearable.

And then I looked at the big stack of Banker's Boxes full of books in my closet and thought, "I need to get rid of those before I kill myself or my sister will have to move them all by herself." And I was terrified of how casually I had thought it. Part of me had just accepted that I was going to kill myself so I wouldn't have to see that bastard again.

And it just kept happening. I kept casually reflecting on things I needed to do before I killed myself so I wouldn't leave a huge mess for my sister to deal with, and I never actually wanted to die but the intrusive thoughts kept coming, and I was out of Klonopins and didn't have any reliable way to calm myself down.

Fortunately I had to get my bloodwork done that week, so I asked the doctor if I could get the prescription refilled or maybe get something different. I briefly explained why I needed it.

Side note: It's always strange when you tell an outsider, "Haha, yeah, that's what happened" and they respond with stunned silence followed by "What is wrong with your family?" I was expecting the usual "Suck it up, crybaby" response I get from my family.

And then two days later someone from Adult Protective Services showed up at the door to talk to me. We had a nice talk where I explained my family history and my intrusive thoughts and she gave me information about medical transportation and possible phone therapy appointments. In the end, she was satisfied that I wasn't in danger but I have her number if I need it.

And Mom was very upset. Because her disabled daughter was so upset and traumatized from the abuse she allowed to happen that I was considering suicide rather than facing my half-brother again? No, she was very upset that word might get back to the county her darling son lived in and it would harm his reputation. And upset at the possibility that Social Services might decide my home situation was unacceptable and help me move out. She didn't give a flip about my actual distress.

Fortunately, the bastard has decided to do some long-term camping for now, a lifelong hobby of his that he couldn't do for the last few years due to his wife's failing health. So my crisis is delayed until later this year.

As for the rest of my family, well... If I found out something I kept bringing up had upset someone so badly that they were having intrusive suicidal thoughts over it, I would NEVER bring it up around them again. I would be absolutely sure they weren't around if I wanted to bring it up. But this is my family we're talking about. Of course they bring it up in front of me all the time. I'm surprised they haven't commented on the sound of my teeth grinding together when they bring him up. I know they can hear it. But they don't care. (I can't ask them to stop because talking while I'm fighting off a panic attack always leads to me losing control and descending into a screaming, wailing mess.)

So I don't know what I'm going to do long-term, but I'm not going to hurt myself. Those are intrusive thoughts and I have medication to help calm me down now. I have a few more months to come up with a long-term solution.

Aaaaand certain relatives like to call and ask if I can come over and babysit her two toddlers for free RIGHT NOW so no time to proofread this. (Hopefully I won't be over there for six hours straight like last week.) So maybe I'll get to my positive, cheerful found-my-purpose-in-life post tomorrow.

[theprogressofspring]

I was reading through some of your old asks on the Weasley family and you mentioned that all of the kids were emotionally abused except Charlie and Ginny. I don't know about Charlie because he is so rarely around (a warning sign in itself) but Ginny absolutely was. The first thing her parents told her when she escaped a near-death experience after the most traumatic year of her life was "why you so dumb as to trust a friendly book". Arthur literally chides her for not outsmarting the Heir of Slytherin and it's Dumbledore who has to step in and say that she is 11 and this is Voldemort. Dumbledore, the most neglectful headteacher ever. She never gets therapy and by book five it seems like everyone has forgotten what she went through. The fact that she turned to the diary in the first place could just be about Molly and Arthur not having enough time for all of their kids but their reaction to it is so messed up. Considering this is a very traditional world, I would imagine their view of the only girl is a bit like a doll. Actual emotions and a reaction to something deeply traumatic? What? Her own passions and love of Quidditch she felt the need to hide from everyone for years? What could she possibly want to talk about with someone/thing that actually listens to her thoughts and fears? No, she was just being silly and foolish and not listening to her father's advice about not listening to things without brains.

This has been sitting in my inbox for a few months—my sincere apologies and I hope you see this! I'm not sure that I ever said anything as explicit as "all of the kids were emotionally abused except Charlie and Ginny." In fact, I know I didn't because I went and reread my Ginny posts. If anything, we don't have enough information about Charlie (except that he, like Bill, got the hell out of dodge ASAP). As far as Ginny, I think my interpretation of her as the favored/golden child (one I stand by) may have been misread to mean she never suffered any emotional abuse/ill effects of the Weasleys bad parenting. Definitely not true, and if that's what was coming across that was never my intended point. So, let me clarify that now! The Weasleys are presented as the model of loving, attentive parenting (in contrast with the neglectful, cruel Dursleys), but that is a fallacy. That's not to say the Weasleys don't love their children—they do! But that doesn't mean they haven't been accidentally neglectful (to the middle children especially), or dismissive, or controlling. The circumstantial reasons I think Ginny has suffered relatively less or different effects of this upbringing is because she's the youngest and the only (much-desired and sought) girl. A few of the things you bring up—the quidditch, for example—are great evidence of her brothers' treatment of Ginny (big brothers being what they are, and perhaps a jealous reaction to the fact that Ginny was favored) rather than her parents'. That's not to minimize that by virtue of being the only girl, Ginny has fewer opportunities to express her emotions with a peer her own age. Unfortunately I think this breeds a little bit of a "not like other girls" attitude in her teen years (very common!). Regardless, Ginny suffered a huge trauma re: the diary, and a terrifying manipulation at the hands of an evil person! Her parents' flippant reaction to that is totally wrong, and further illustrates my issues with them as the "ideal" parent pair in canon.

[theyonegurl]

(TW at the end, mentions of cutting, suicide, abusive parents.)

Ah yes, Trauma!

I've really wanted to talk about trauma recently – I've been going through some family bs – and haven't really had the chance to word vomit anywhere. So Tumblr it is... the end is just my experience but I wanted to make sure everyone was up to speed.

What is Trauma?

So I'm just gonna start with what the definition of trauma is. I found a couple things so I will just list them out.

Trauma is a response to a deeply distressing or disturbing event.

This event overwhelms a person and can cause them to feel physically threatened or extremely frightened.

A traumatic incident can cause physical, psychological, emotional or spiritual harm.

Some examples.

So we've covered what it is basically now about what a traumatic event could be. These can range from a multitude of things.

Natural disasters (Tornado, flood, tsunami, etc.)

Physical assault

Sexual assault

Death of a parent or caregiver

Hospitalization

Emotional Abuse

Neglect (or the opposite side of the spectrum Golden Child Syndrome.)

There are many more than just these. I found when looking up what some examples could be.

Percentage of trauma.

About 70% of people have gone through a traumatic event in their life. However, that doesn't necessarily mean they will be affected by it long term or at all.

Some people only have symptoms that resolve in a couple weeks.

Some people don't have any symptoms.

Some people have long term effects from said trauma.

Childhood trauma.

22% - 48% of youth are exposed to trauma. That's way too high in my book. As a person who realized how much childhood trauma could affect someone, I sincerely wished this number would be lower.

People who have childhood trauma may develop what is called, " a heightened stress response."

This can affect their ability to regulate their emotions.

They may have troubles sleeping. Have problems with emotional health or physical health.

Troubles with relationships and etc.

It just sucks in general.

TW ⚠️This next part is my own trauma. This is me venting/sharing my experience TW ⚠️

I have really wanted to talk about my own experience – partly to vent – I want it out there so I can relieve some of this weight I carry. If I could help enlighten someone or help someone going through similar experiences then I would be putting my trauma to use.

Parents suck...

Well at least mine did. All of my trauma was from them. I'm glad they don't know my Tumblr because I'm about to spit some facts.

Them.

My parents are fucked up. My dad was in the military – already some trauma there – and wasn't even supposed to live because his brain was messed up.

His parents weren't great. My dad seems to have adopted a lot of traits from his dad – who is abusive to my grandma. My dad most likely abused my mom and vise versa. They were a match made in hell.

My mom is an alcoholic that won't admit she's an alcoholic. She grew up with an alcoholic of a mother that probably killed my mom's brother because she was drunk – this is all based off what my mom has told me.

She was exposed to trauma at a young age. She got in fights – did stupid shit – almost didn't finish highschool. Met my dad and had children.

I never understood why.

They screwed us over.

It's okay to have trauma.

But then push it on your children?

It's sad that the person you're supposed to rely on the most just throws you away when you're not necessary. That when you mess up they get to tell you it's all your fault – when you're just a child.

I was forced to play a sport competively when I didn't want to for three years (four of those months I had mono, I was so tired.)

I was berated when I made any mistake. I dropped a glass plate that was in the microwave. (My dad cared more about the plate than me stepping on glass. I was eight.)

My mom always talks about how much we cost her. Groceries, clothes, doctor appointments, braces, glasses. (I didn't ask to be born. You had a child, why is that my fault?)

I was always mentally abused by my father – as was my sister. He was always right. He got to raise his voice; you had to sit and take it. When he was in a pissy mood we had to walk on eggshells around him. He decided when a fight ended. We were always wrong. We were too young and didn't know what we were talking about. (Why do you get to decide what's right and wrong? I'm only a child, I believed you were amazing...)

My dad was diagnosed with dementia. Now I have to live with him longer because we feel bad for him. (He makes me feel like trash, why do I have to deal with this?)

I always thought my dad was "real." He didn't fake liking things for us like other people's parents. He told me straight up what he thought. (He wasn't real, he was a narcissist. He didn't care about us.)

My mom wasn't in the picture much. She treats us – her children – as competition. If we like something she starts doing it. She makes us uncomfortable, tells her friends things we don't want her to tell, if she feels threatened.

I never got to be girly. My dad believed in purity culture – even if we didn't realize it. Dresses are ugly, and feminine. If it's feminine it's bad. I thought I was cool because I was a tomboy. I was only molded into believing that. (When I saw girls at school wearing leggings or short shorts I was envious. I would only look ugly in those.)

I thought I had social anxiety because my head was screwed. I was just made different. (My sister told me how much my dad would overexagerate my mistakes. Everyone said I was so friendly and bright as a child. Why would my parents damage me like this?)

Hearing foot steps makes me anxious. My dad would always come upstairs when taking me to practice. (I never wanted to go. I would rather get hit by a car. I wanted it to happen.)

I cut myself when my dad was gone, only once. I wanted to believe I would never do something like that. Cutting was edgy and something people do when they want attention. (Not when you're faced with the choice to make the hurt go away. Not when it's threatening to swallow you whole. It hurt. A lot. It was a only small nick. I felt so good, my anxiety just went away. I felt amazing. I felt so guilty though, I ended up calling my sister. She drove an hour and a half for me. She genuinely loves me.)

I finally got out. I live with my sister. I still feel guilty for leaving them. For when my mom would come home drunk, cry on me, plead with me not to leave. For my dad being all alone with no one to be there for him. Sometimes the guilt consumes me. I feel like a shitty child. (It's not my problem though. They are adults. Why do they get to act like children. Why did they have to break me?)

There's so much more. But I don't remember it. I don't remember my childhood at all. I have horrible memory. "It's the trauma." I joke. (But it's true. I always coped by forgetting. Sometimes I'll bring something up and my sister will be confused. It's a fake memory. It never happened. I forget days as they're happening. I don't remember what I did yesterday. Why can't I remember?)

All these things contribute to the trauma I have endured. Trauma other have also had to endure. I wished people never hurt their kids. Not just for my sake but many others. Friends and family that have had to deal with this.

I don't know how to end this off. So have a gif of an adorable cat.

Help is always near. Even if it's a stranger.

If you want to read up on childhood trauma.

[adragonhoardingstories]

Of Blood and Bonds - Chapter 1

@mystery-5-5

@abrx2002 @clumsy-owl-4178 @daminett4life @zalladane

@heaven428 @unmaskedagain

@dawnwave16 @virgil-is-a-cutie

@kris-pines04 @hypnosharkrebeldreamer

@weird-pale-blonde-person

@ravennightingaleandavatempus

@persephonebutkore

@be-happy-every-day-please @blue-peach14 @annabellabrookes

I hope I got everyone in the tag! I know I said this was gonna be fluff but it's also going to be angst. Sorry not sorry.

On that note, this book will contain swearing, mentions of rape and torture. I will try not be explicit but that's really relative. Read at your own risk. There will be warning before if I make a explicit scene so that you can skip it.

Anyways, I hope you enjoy and don't hunt me down for this.

___________________________________

Marinette had punched Bruce Wayne. 

Marinette had punched Bruce Wayne, Prince of Gotham, in Wayne Enterprises Tower in Gotham City and she was probably going to get kicked out because of this but it was so worth it. 

"Marinette honey," He said cautiously, "I'm sure I deserve it but why?"

She clenched her jaw and took a few deep breaths as she opened and closed her fists. She was trying really hard not to punch him again. 

You won't be able to get a second shot in without the boys intervening. She told herself, eying the way the boys - her brothers, she reminded herself stood, ready to pounce on her at any instant.

She had no doubt that the only reason she wasn't being restrained yet was because they were too shocked to react. 

"I don't think I asked for much Dad." She practically snarled the words out. "I just asked for a few phone calls and yet-" Her voice was shaking. "Yet, I haven't heard from you in over three years."

"Mari I can expl-"

"No, no, you don't fucking have that right to anymore. I did not come to Gotham to ask an explanation or beg for your attention. This was an unfortunate coincidence. I would have been perfectly happy to never see or hear from you again."

She turned to leave but Bruce grabbed her shoulder. She froze. This was Bruce Wayne, She had to remind herself, This was her father. He would not harm her. 

"I needed you Bruce. I needed you and you were not there." She shrugged off his hand from her shoulder and left in the direction of her class. 

Dick wordlessly moved out of her way and she tried not to think about the fact that she may have lost her chance to have a relationship with her siblings. 

~

Dick didn't know the whole story. Hell, before today Dick hadn't known that he had another sibling. He hadn't known that Bruce had another biological child. 

At least, he guessed that she was his biological child but he couldn't be sure because, once again, Bruce hadn't told them.

He watched the man. As always, he had an incredible poker face but he knew him better, he knew him enough to see the emotions waring among themselves behind his eyes. 

"You messed up big time B." He said quietly. "You know that, don't you?"

His father said nothing, instead he pushed past him and Damian to go after Marinette. He and his little brother had only to share a look before they took off after him, if only to stop him from doing something rash that he would regret and and that would probably damage their chance to know their sister better. 

Damian, Tim, Jason and he himself already had had the chance to talk to her. They could all collectively agree that they already loved her, even Damian, and they had no doubt the others would too.

Dick saw Marinette head towards the washroom. It was clear that she needed a moment alone, just like it was clear that that Bruce intended to wait for her to come out to be able to talk to her again. 

He disagreed. 

"B-"

"I need to talk to her."

"I know." He soothed despite wanting nothing more than to yell at the man. Sometimes, Bruce understood less than Damian. "But she won't like it and you've already pissed her off enough. Why don't we go to the cafeteria? The rest of her class is there. We can wait for her there, once she had some time to calm down."

Dick could see that he was about to protest. "Damian will wait for her and accompany her back." He said, sparing a glance at the youngest who gave him a nod back in return. "She'll be fine. Come on." 

He tugged Bruce along with him and the fact that he didn't argue and let himself be pulled along was a testament to how much he was upset by this whole thing. 

Dick was angry, he wanted nothing more than to scream at Bruce because didn't he know better than to keep secrets like this from them at this point?

~

Bruce knew he was a coward and definitely not the father one would wish for, but if Marinette really had given up on him, she wouldn't have been so angry. 

There was something he was missing.

"-your stupidity aside, she was found bound and gagged with clear signs of having been assaulted. She was tested positive for rape for God's sake. What more do you need to leave her alone?" 

There seemed to be an argument going on in the cafeteria. While that was alarming enough, the blond girl's words gave him a very bad feeling. 

"Oh, please." A sausage-haired girl rolled her eyes. "She was probably there willingly. No one would get through such  traumatic event and be back to normal so soon after. Not even her parents believed her. "

"Normal? Are you serious right now? I was there when they found her. I was there when she screamed at the sight of anyone with blonde hair or green eyes. And you've all seen how after that, she hates being touched."

"She's just over-reacti-" Sausage-hair stopped in the middle of her sentence, staring at something in his direction. 

"Oh no, please do continue to speak so openly about the worst month of my life." He couldn't help the flinch when he heard his daughter's voice as she walked past him... because that meant that Marinette, sweet precious Marinette - his sunshine had been kidnapped and assaulted for a month and if the other girl was to be believed neither Tom or Sabine believed in her. 

The sausage girl scoffed but backed down. Her reaction meant that she was at least a little guilty. He filed that information for later. She muttered a 'Whatever.' and walked away. 

"Marin-" the blonde haired girl who was defending his daughter spoke up but Marinette cut her off. 

"I do appreciate you trying to defend me Chloe but I'd appreciate it better if you didn't speak of it at all."

The girl - Chloe, gave a nod in acceptance. "Go on ahead," Marinette said, from beside him. "I'll catch up." 

The blonde eyed them for a moment before she walked away. 

Bruce looked down to his daughter who was still staring ahead.

He had so much to ask her, like What the hell happened? But she beat him to it, unclenching her fist. 

"I'm sorry for punching you, but I was. Angry." She was gritting her teeth. "But I did meant it, you don't need to bother trying to contact me or anything. I'm perfectly happy without you." 

She started walking away.

"Marinette-" he called out and she stopped. It reminded him of earlier and he had a sinking feeling that her words would be as heartbreaking as the first time. 

She shook her head. "Like I said B, I needed you." For the first time, since she arrived in the cafeteria, she turned to look at him and gave him a small sad smile that broke his heart all over again. "It would have been nice to know that at least one of my parents supported me."

He didn't say anything. What could he say to make this better? 

She walked away, and this time, he didn't stop her. 

~

Jason was a little more than pissed. 

His day had started out nicely enough, made better when he saw a tiny girl taking out two men probably twice her size. 

He was going to help her but she had already taken care of them. 

She still thanked him for trying to come to her aid and when he offered to walk her to wherever she was going, the girl took a few moments to assess him - to him it felt like she was looking through his soul.

There was something about her that screamed to him not to underestimate her.  She knew what she was doing, that much was clear and when she offered him a sunny smile and told him that she was heading to Wayne Enterprises, he felt something loosen inside of him. 

It was bizarre to say the least but he felt at peace near her. Safe. 

Later on, he would realise that the haze of the Lazarus pit that he had struggled with everyday since his ressurection had retreated when he was near her. 

Jason's mood started to worsen when he found out that she had been left alone by her class. Something like an ugly acidic green snake coiled up inside of him wanting to protect her and extract revenge. 

Jason's mood improved again as throughout the day she saw the girl interact with his brothers, clearly winning over them as well. 

Though, he was rarely - to the point of never seen at WE usually, he decided to make an exception that day and hang out with the tour group Tim was supposed to be leading. 

Damian had also supposedly been bored and had decided to crash the party and Dick wasn't too far behind their youngest to keep him out of trouble. 

Everything was going smoothly and honestly, it was after a long time that they found someone the others didn't have a problem with. 

Then he had noticed Bruce, and not even a few seconds after, he noticed the bluenette slipping out after him.

Dick and Damian - who had been shadowing her all day, slipped away after her and he was stuck behind babysitting with his replacement.

That class had nothing of worth except Marinette. There was actually even a fool that was stupid enough to claim that she knew the Waynes in front of them, while not knowing that they were the Waynes and instead treating them like mere employees. 

He would enjoy putting her in her place. 

But before he could, his day started taking a turn for the worst, impossible to brighten again.

The girl, he didn't care enough to know her name, out of the blue stated that Marinette probably just slipped away again to draw attention to her. That escalated in a very…informative battle of words that made him want to take a plane to Paris and drench it's streets in blood.

As if that wasn't enough, he saw Bruce again, now looking like someone slapped him in the face with a fish...

On closer look, he could see that someone had actually punched him. He was so going to hack the Tower's camera. 

And then Marinette spoke up and...what? 

He was completely lost.

Did she say one of my parents? He hoped for Bruce sake that he misheard because otherwise that meant that this father figure fucked up again...which wasn't that suprising really.

So really, Jason was a little more than pissed and he felt like his choice of words was appropriate. 

"What the actual fuck Bruce?"

~

Tim was tired. 

His day had set out to be a tiring one, irrespective of the fact that he had stayed up all night to work on a case. 

He had to lead a tour group. 

Wayne Enterprises had a habit of keeping an eye on promising students for schools that they funded. For some reason, Bruce had started funding a College François Dupont in Paris. Why? He didn't know but knowing the man, he probably had some ulterior motive. 

That had intrigued him and he had taken a look at the students in their last year. There was indeed some very promising young talents - who by the looks of it, already knew which career they wanted to do and were clearly working toward them. Many of them had already been on T.V shows, had their names in newspapers or did small gigs and commissions. It was rather impressive. 

There was this one class however which at the beginning was one who seemed to have a lot of potential but he saw in their files that over the years their...efforts dropped collectively around the same time. It was extremely bizarre. 

One particular student in that class drew his attention though. It was one Miss Marinette Dupain-Cheng. Her academic records were stellar - always had been and while her grades had dropped a but at one point, she got them back up within the year which was more than impressive since she had skipped two years. She also seemed really talented, had won several awards and supposedly had a website for commissions - her file seemed...rushed and considerably lacking in details compared to her classmates even though Tim felt like she did way more than them. 

Call it his detective instincts but he knew that there was something going on in that class, his doubts were further re-inforced when he saw a report about Marinette, it was once again quite vague but what little was in it still chilled him to the core.

But...still...there was something else about her. Something striked him as soon as he saw her picture - she seemed really really familiar but he couldn't put his finger on where exactly had he seen her before. 

Well, as CEO he was supposed to be leading the tour groups anyways, so hopefully he'd get to find out then. 

The tour group consisted of all the senior class of the college and he prayed against all hope that it wasn't to be a disaster. 

Flashforward to the big day...it wasn't actually so bad. His brothers had crashed the party...which was unexpected but they weren't causing any trouble which was for more than he could usually hope for and while some students were absolutely aboherent ((mostly from that one class that had caught his attention)) the rest were genuinely nice. He had managed to talk to a few of them and was pleasantly surprised at their intellect. 

The most interesting student there though was, as he had predicted, Mlle. Dupain-Cheng, she was able to keep up with him throughout all of his explanations, whatever department may it have been in even though it was clearly stated in her file that she wanted a career in fashion. But well, he knew better than most that appearances could be receiving. Simply put, she was a genius. 

She reminded him of Elle from Legally Blonde for some reason. 

There was however also one student who had certainly not impressed him, thoroughly disgusted him actually - Lila Rossi. 

See the thing was that no one knew that he was actually the CEO. That had been done intentionally. The aim of the tour after all was for him to be able to see if there was any potential employees for Wayne Enterprises among them. 

And boy, was he going to blacklist her. 

The girl was a lying machine and the lies weren't even good. She name-dropped at every other sentence and even did the mistake of lying about him and his brothers in a place where any employee who knew them personally could call her out on her bullshit. It was such an amateur mistake. 

His opinion of her only soured when she insulted Marinette, he had taken her a liking to her, however brief their conversation had been and even if he hadn't - the fact that Lila bought up her kidnapping and downplayed it would be more than enough. 

Thankfully not everyone from that College was total numbskulls. A few people immediately jumped to the defense of the absent girl. 

He cataloged them mentally - The Braindead, The Neutrals and The Defenders, while also taking notes of what they were saying. 

What he heard out was even more horrifying that what he had read. 

That it! He was going to be looking into this girl's case personally.

As of all of this wasn't bad enough, Bruce just had to make everything worse. 

Because he could finally out the pieces together and understand why Marinette looked so familiar. 

Marinette was his sister. 

Marinette was Bruce's daughter and he was going to have to answer to Tim - and but the looks of it, his brother too - about what had happened to their newfound sister. 

~

Damian…

Damian didn't know what to think.