#Ashton is going to have his own mental breakdown | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

in-superbloom · 3 years ago

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did you ever hear about the girl who got frozen? (a.i.)

right where you left me: prologue

pairing: ashton irwin x olivia jones (oc)

warnings: uhh a kinda grieving theme i guess? but no deaths. it has a sad tone overall, but nothing major (in this chapter hehe). foul language because i can't help myself. the tiniest mention of alcohol, but as a memory. think i should probably warn you that this contains a very sad ash. also not much dialogues. this is mainly for explanation and introduction, but very important for the story. if you find anything else that might be triggering, please let me know so i can add it here !!

author's note: oof okay. so. this is the prologue of a series very very dear to my heart that i've been working on for what it feels like my whole life but really it's been just a few months. but i'm in love with the story (which rarely happens with my own writing) so i hope you can enjoy it too !! this is also my very first time posting a fic since 2013 so pls keep that in mind <3 no i am not shaking as type this ofc not also: although i have the full story ready in my head, this is the only chapter that's written. i wanted to wait until i had at least a few ready before posting this but i'm too anxious for that lmao just saying this bc it will take a good while until i have any more chapters, so <3 (p.s.: i went over this thing a million times since may so if you find any errors pls look away, i'm not fixing this thing anymore. thanks <3)

another note: anna from the future here to say that i completely forgot about the playlist i made for the story lmao here it is in case you're interested k thanks bye <3

credits: title is from taylor swift's song right where you left me. model in the picture: paola locatelli. banner by me.

i also wanted to take a minute to thank some really nice friends that i've made here over these past few months & that i'm extremely grateful for @wastelandcth @suchalonelysunflower @littledrummerangie i cannot thank you babes enough for inspiring me the way that you do & for letting me yell about this to you && for encouraging me so much 🥺 i'll never be able to explain just how much this means to me, so i'll have to settle for saying thank you at any change that i can get <3 i love you all 💜 also gem my baby, thank you for the inspo with the banner 💚

@bluesdelis look babe i did it 😌 you know how grateful i am for you & for you letting me have a breakdown every week about my writing for the past 8 years so let's not dive into that or else i will write something bigger than this prologue jsjsjdjd love you 🖤

i hope you all have a good reading and a nice day ♡

let me know what are your thoughts about the fic ! ♡

word count: 4.1k

☆☆☆

Cold. That was the first thing that Olivia’s brain processed.

Still with her eyes closed, she buried herself more into the duvet, while her arm blindly reached for the furnace in human form that she calls boyfriend. However, as soon as her arm was only met with cold sheets, her eyes shot open.

Blinking the sleep away, she sat up on the bed, searching for the infamous red clock resting on Ashton’s bedside table that was supposed to look like a vintage alarm clock. Olivia had ordered it online at an auction website a couple of years back, as a gift for his 23rd birthday, since it was something he had mentioned multiple times prior that he was looking for, but still hadn't found. But when it finally came in (two weeks after the due date), it looked nothing like the picture she saw on the website. Feeling beyond frustrated, she wanted to send it back immediately and ask for a refund and maybe leave a not so polite review on the seller's page. But Ashton stopped her right away, laughing like the situation was absolutely hilarious to him, while saying, 'I like it, it’s quirky'. So, the clock stayed and found a home right next to him in their room.

Some days, however, she would wake up at some ungodly hour because of the blaring noise of the only ringtone the clock had. But whatever annoyance she could feel towards the object, it always vanished as soon as she felt Ashton's lips gently touching her face in a good morning kiss before he would get up to start his day, leaving her to catch some more hours of well deserved sleep.

As the furthest from a morning person as a touring musician could possibly be, Olivia had always feared that living under the same roof as Ashton would turn her into an early bird like him, but she's thankful that it never happened (not that he needs to know about that).

When she sees the red clock, she smiles at the sudden but welcome memories of them flooding her foggy brain, but frowns slightly when she realizes it reads 12:13 pm. Ashton rarely lets her sleep past 10 am.

Gathering all her strength and will, she rises up from the bed, smoothly picking up a grey wool sweatshirt from the chair (way too baggy on her slim body, but it smells like him), pulling it over her head and relishing on the soft material warming up her body. Making her way to the door and calmly going down the stairs, she can’t help but stop for a minute to admire the picture frames on their walls, one in particular catches her attention – probably one of the most prized pictures and memories they had. It felt older than it actually is, but it was around 4 years ago, she's sure – a little while after the two of them met. The picture was of their group of friends that still remains the same: Ashton and his best friend, Luke; Olivia, her best friend, Calum and their old hometown friend, turned into Calum’s new friend at college, turned into everyone’s friend, Michael; and her then newly band members, Suki, Eli and Ravi. Together, their group was the life of the party through all their college years, and it showed by the big smiles and drinks in hands they all had in the picture. It was a very special night, the first time Olivia’s little band played for the public – for a small audience sure, but it was a wonderful night nonetheless. What a long road it had been since that night.

Her nostalgic thoughts were interrupted by a shiver that went through her whole body, and it made her realize how oddly cold the whole house was, not only their bedroom. Which, granted, it was November in New York and the weather was just getting colder, but that’s exactly why Ashton always made sure to keep the house warm enough. As much as she loved the chilly season, the warm weather always reminded him of his hometown, and who was she to deny him that?

The smell of fresh made coffee could be sensed even before she reached the kitchen. Arriving there, the curly haired woman still found no signs of her boyfriend, so she went straight after the coffee maker pot sitting on the far left corner of the cream marble counter. Smiling softly at the tons of memories of Ashton's sleepy figure making their favorite beverage, she reached for a coffee mug on the cupboard on top of the counter and poured the remainder of the hot liquid on it (it's her favorite mug, if she must choose – it was a gift from a fan, and it had printed on it a collage of the pictures of her and Ashton that were posted on social media through their first year of relationship).

Moving to the glass doors that lead to the mini garden they cultivate, she didn't have to open them to spot the 6-feet-tall man sitting on a bench outside, looking oddly small in his oversized clothes, coffee mug tightly held between strong hands. Something about his figure made Olivia frown, however: he was staring with an unwavering look at her small but eye-catching pot of yellow daffodils that were almost as much of a pet to them as Stitch at this point. Sensing that there’s something definitely off about his semblance, she made a mental note to talk to him and find out what’s wrong later. So she goes back to the kitchen, knowing that he might need this quiet and private moment for himself.

She lost count of the minutes that went by (couldn't have been more than five) before she hears the garden's door opening and closing, and then his bare feet are dragging his brawny body to her. Except, he goes over to the sink, walking right through her, not showing any sign that he even saw her hunched figure over the counter table in the middle of the room.

Alright, someone's in a mood.

Olivia tries to swallow the annoyance already bubbling inside her – he knows how much she hates to be ignored, no matter how mad he might be – by trying to think of what she can say that won't piss him off. This is always a hard feat to accomplish when Ashton gets in these moods, but there’s a reason for them to work so well together.

“I missed my favorite body heater when I woke up,” she says in her best sweet voice, knowing how quickly his resolve crumbles when he hears that voice.

Still, no reaction.

That settles a worry at the pit of her stomach, because Ashton is never like this. Even when he's not in the mood to talk, he always gives some kind of reaction to her words; it doesn't matter how small, just enough to make her feel acknowledged.

When he's finished washing his mug and the few scattered dishes across the sink – she noticed that he already had lunch, if the lone plate in the drying rack is anything to go by –, he dries his hand in a towel, turns around and throws it on top of the same counter Olivia was leaning up against. Once again, he walks away not even sparing her a look.

Indignant, she leaves the now empty coffee mug on top of the table and follows him as he walks up the stairs, any determination to not aggravate his mood now well gone.

“Hey! In case you didn't notice, I'm right here. Whatever got you in this sour mood, I'm certainly not to blame, so can you stop being a child now and talk to me?!”

Ashton just keeps walking – more like sluggishly dragging his body – until he reaches their bedroom and suddenly stops just merely two feet inside the room, looking around with vacant eyes; like he was expecting to see something that wasn't there.

“Okay, that's really mature of you. Are you planning on ignoring me all day then?” Olivia questions exasperated, staring angrily at the back of his neck, where the condor tattoo lives – her favorite of his, but that sight doesn't bring her any peace today like it usually does.

Her glare only breaks when she hears the familiar sound of dog tags swaying on her right side. Shifting her gaze to the direction of the sound, Olivia notices Stitch, their small, black & white French bulldog – who she thought was outside in the garden – slowly trudging his way from around the bed until he stops at Ashton's feet, looking up at one of his humans with sad eyes. That realization only makes the worry in her stomach grow uncomfortably.

“Hi buddy,” Ashton's voice cracks a bit from the lack of use, but he smiles softly at the sweet dog, and crouches down to pet him.

Olivia can't help but gasp as she notices three things all at once that leave her overwhelmed: first, how she didn't even notice Stitch was in the room when she woke up – which never ever happens, in fact, most days he wakes her up whenever he deems her bedtime as finished and can't ever contain his excitement when she finally gets up; second, how the windows blinds are closed, which, again, rarely occurs under their roof, not if Ashton can help it. And third, how sad and melancholic the whole scene in front of her is – how sad and melancholic Ashton is. Pointless to say by now – that's also a very rare occasion.

A chill creeps up Olivia's spine, putting her body into high alert and also serving as a reminder of how everything looks out of place today. Trying to keep her head from spiraling down way too soon, she wraps her arms around herself and crouches down beside her two favorite boys, trying once more.

“Ash? Can you hear me?” even with her throat closing, she softly asks, purposefully putting her face in Ashton's point of view. Her only answer is the low whispers he's letting out to Stitch, while cradling the tiny dog in his arms, spreading gentle kisses on his head.

“I know, bud, I know. I miss her too,” is the only whisper she could understand and immediately wishes she hadn't. The weak wail that comes from Stitch's throat seems to fit perfectly with how the three of them feel.

Ashton then looks up and for a couple of seconds, and Olivia can swear he’s staring right into her eyes. But when he shows no reaction, she knows he’s just staring ahead and not at her, with that look that says there’s too much going on inside his head. She feels the urge to embrace him and get him to talk about whatever is on his mind, so they can share that weight like they always do, but when Ashton gets up from the ground and settles on the bed with Stitch, Olivia can physically feel the crack in her heart caused by the feeling she’s left with.

While Ashton is pulling the duvet over him and the dog, with clearly no intentions of getting up anytime soon, Olivia stands up on her feet with a new-found determination – she needs to figure out what the hell is going on.

This nightmare had to be just that, right? Nothing but a very vivid dream – she's had those before. Scary sure, but they always go away, and soon enough she's back into Ashton's arms, with Stitch jumping on the bed ready to lick their faces off. She just needs to wake herself up from whatever fucked up dream this is – right?

She's running down the stairs this time, frantically in search of something, of what exactly, she doesn’t know – but she knows she needs an answer. The more she looks for something, the more desperate she gets, not knowing what to look for. Then suddenly, something catches her eyes.

The white and blue calendar that's held up by magnets on the side of the fridge. She knows their calendar is red and yellow. They got it from their favorite flower market. Slowly, as if scared of what it might be there – “It's just a calendar, for fucks sake” – she approaches the damn thing. Upon inspection, she deems it as a normal calendar – she really doesn't know what she was expecting – until.

She knows what's wrong with it now.

It's November. She knows it, because the Asian and last leg of her first world tour is about to begin November 21st, eleven days from today. Right after Mike's birthday, she knows this.

Then why does the calendar say today is January 14th?

☆ ☆ ☆

Ashton woke up with a jolt. He quickly sat up, frightening the little Frenchie that was asleep right next to him on the bed. Trying to make sense of his surroundings, he roughly rubbed his face to get some sleep off of it and soon reached for the dog that was staring at him with sleepy but sad eyes. Ashton is sure Stitch understands far more than a dog is supposed to understand about their current situation.

The room is covered in shadows, almost pitch black, but he can see the sunlight even through the thick dark grey blinds covering up the windows. Ashton knows he won't be able to sleep again at that moment, so he gets up from the bed – much slower than he used to. His heartbeat is still out of control because of the nightmare that woke him up, but he can't bother to pay attention to it when Stitch is softly wailing beside him. Ashton lets out a ghost of a smile when the dog rests his head on his right upper thigh, looking up at him with an expression Ashton knows all too well.

“C'mon you little ravenous creature, let's feed you,” the bulldog excitedly jumps to the ground, already running his way down the stairs, not even waiting for Ashton to get up.

That gets a real smile out of him, but it vanishes as soon as he glances at the alarm clock on his bedside table. It reads 5:13 am, nothing out of the ordinary for him. But that small and inoffensive clock, with its red paint peeling off, holds a lot of memories for him. Memories that two months ago would bring joy to his heart, but now he almost wants to throw the object across the room.

It was a stupid thing, really. He had been wanting a vintage alarm clock and Olivia got one for his birthday. But the product they received was definitely not the one she bought, and if he's being honest, he didn't like it as much as he made out to. But seeing her so excited in the weeks before it arrived, and how disappointed she was when it did, he couldn't help but try his best to make her smile that luminous smile again. It's part of his nature by now.

That's also the reason why he lets her think that he doesn't notice when she wakes up at some ungodly hour (her words, not his) along with him, because of the annoying and only sound the alarm clock is able to produce. He always leaves soft kisses in every inch of bare skin he can find on her sleeping figure, so she goes back to the dream land and doesn't wake up before 10 am. No one wants to deal with that kind of bad humor, not even him.

As much as he likes being a morning person and absolutely enjoys her company in the mornings, he knows she'll take any and every extra hour of sleep she can get before starting the day. And that's why he loves that she's so stubborn that his early bird tendencies never got to her – he knows she feared that this would happen when they moved in together, but he met her like this, fell for her like this. He wouldn't change a single thing about her.

Ashton drags himself out of the bed, wincing slightly at how cold the wooden floors are under his bare feet. He doesn't bother putting some socks on, or a sweater – the cold weather in the house is uncharacteristically comforting to him. Nothing feels warm without her anyway.

While descending the stairs, he mentally curses himself for not being strong enough to look past the picture frames on the wall. One in particular catches his eyes – a picture from the night of Olivia's first concert with her band. The memories of that night are still painfully vivid in his mind: the laughter among their group that eventually infected everyone at the pub, Suki and Luke's first kiss and the silly smile that didn't leave his best friend's face all night, the standing ovation Olivia got after her three-songs set, and her captivating and breathtaking smile that made him realize right then and there, while watching her sway to the music, that he was definitely falling in love with her and there was nothing he could do to stop it – not that he wanted to.

So many memories held up on that wall, in the relatively short time since they met, that he can't help but wonder if that's all they'll get in this lifetime.

Ashton is abruptly taken out of his thoughts by Stitch's barks coming from the bottom of the stairs. He quickly jogs down the few steps left and goes straight after the dog's food in the kitchen's cabinet. After Stitch starts to happily devour his breakfast, Ashton goes to make his coffee, doing enough for two people like he always does, since Calum drops by most days for a chat or to drop Duke before going to work. Although all three of them know he just can't bother to make food for himself in the morning, while Ashton is the group's elected chef. Ashton always says he just needs a boyfriend – Olivia says Calum already has one who makes him breakfast every day.

He grabs an apple from the fridge and makes his way outside to their garden. Even though a lot of their memories took place there, the garden is the only space in the house where he doesn't feel like suffocating all the time. At least here, he can breathe some fresh air and look at the sky when he's feeling overwhelmed – which is basically all he's been doing for about a month now.

Yet, a lot of the garden has Olivia's name written all over.

He remembers vividly the day she came home after spending two weeks in LA doing some pocket shows, with a pack of daffodil seeds and the largest smile. She excitedly told him that a friend gifted it to her when she mentioned the little garden they were planning to build together at their new house. The friend told Olivia that daffodils symbolize rebirth and new beginnings, so as the good lover of symbolism that she is, Olivia loved the idea of having those flowers to symbolize their new beginning.

Ashton, on the other hand, wasn't a fan of the flowers at first – he just didn't see the appeal to them. But nonetheless, he indulged her, letting Olivia plant the seeds near the bench they used to sit during the quiet and unrushed afternoons, so they could admire the sunset, and she could happily look at the daffodils.

Pointless to say – the damn flowers grew on him.

Now, however, looking at them without Olivia and her contagious joy next to him, they were back to be as dull as they were before, if not more so.

Still lost inside his head without any sense of how much time went by since he sat down, Ashton doesn't hear the front door closing, and doesn't notice that he's no longer the only person inside the house until someone sits next to him on the bench. Yet, he doesn't show any sign of acknowledgement to them.

A few minutes go by before either of them speaks up.

“Luke said you didn't go to see her yesterday,” Calum starts softly, not wanting to disturb the calmness of the morning.

Ashton takes a few seconds to respond, “No point in doing that.” The black haired man licks his lips while thinking carefully about his next words.

“You know staying inside this house all day by yourself won't help either,” Calum turns his head to his left and takes a good look at Ashton's uncharacteristically hunched over figure, and immediately thinks that anyone can tell this man is not himself anymore. His second thought is that Olivia would hate seeing him like this.

“And what exactly do you expect me to do? Move on with my life like nothing happened? Like I'm not slowly and painfully losing the love of my life? Just because it’s easy for you doesn't mean it's easy for me.”

Calum closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He knows Ashton doesn't mean it, it's the anger and frustration talking. He knows it. Doesn't make it sting any less.

“I'm not telling you to move on with your life, because that's far from what I'm doing, and I certainly don't expect you to do it. I'm just saying you need to occupy your mind or else–”

“I'll go insane? Think it's a bit too late for that,” Ashton interrupts with a bitter tone that doesn't belong to his usual chirpy voice.

“You know it's not,” Calum sighs and drinks the rest of his coffee, moving his body slightly, so he's facing the blonde man, “I got a job interview for you at that school you talked about so much last summer, the principal said you can go any day this week. I went ahead and sent her your resume as well as explained everything that she needs to know about Olivia, so you don't have to. You just gotta put on some decent clothes and show up.” he sees Ashton's face softening a little and takes it as a victory. A few beats go by and then, “Maybe take a shower too. That's gonna make you feel better.” Calum leans in closer to his friend's personal space and takes a sniff, causing Ashton to deflect from him slightly, but not to push him away – another small win.

“Definitely take a shower, you stink. When was the last time your hair saw shampoo?”

“Fuck off,” is Ashton's only reply to the younger man's inquest. But Calum can see a smile creeping up on the blonde's face, which brings out a smile of his own.

“I'll send you all the details later today,” he checks the hour on the watch on his wrist and gets up, “Just please, Ash, go. I can't lose you too.”

Calum gently lays a hand on Ashton's shoulder and squeezes a little. The man doesn't look up, but gives a curt nod to his friend, who's satisfied enough. Calum stops on the threshold of the garden glass doors to give some kisses to Stitch – who came to make Ashton company as soon as he finished his food –, and then he puts the coffee mug on the dishwater. And soon enough, he's on his way out of the door. But not before snatching a tangerine from the fridge.

Ashton is left by himself once again. As he hears the sound of the front door closing, he thinks that this might be his life from now on. Just him and Stitch, trying their hardest to make it through another miserable day without the love of their lives. While everyone else comes by just to make sure he's still breathing. Breathing, maybe, but alive?

Swallowing the tears, he looks up at the sky. It's a deep, beautiful mix of orange, pink and blue, but he knows that it won't last long and soon the rain will be pouring down. He thinks about how much Olivia loves the rain.

God, he needs to pull himself together. She would hate to see him like this. Maybe he should take Calum's offer after all, he really needs to occupy his mind.

Making a mental note to thank Calum later, and also to apologize for how rude he was to him this morning, Ashton slowly gets up from the bench to put his mug on the sink and makes his way to the living room, with the small dog loyally following his every step. He puts on some cartoon that for once doesn't remind him of her (she always lovingly made fun of him for still watching those) and cuddles with Stitch on the couch. He can take a shower later.

Not half an hour goes by, he falls asleep and has a good dream for a change. He dreams of the days he spent with Olivia in the Philippines last February, right before her first world tour started. Some of the most magical days of their lives – surrounded by delicious food, a whole new culture to learn about and the warmth of the sun. Infinite counted days full of love and passion, where they were the only people in the world.

Even his subconscious knows to hold on to that brief moment of happiness, because he might never live that again.

#anna writes #perhaps she does write after all #alright i'm gonna go hide somewhere now bye #ashton irwin fanfiction #ashton irwin fic #ashton 5sos #ashton irwin x oc #5sos fanfic #5sos fic #ashton irwin imagine #5 seconds of summer #5sos imagine #anna writes: rwylm

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spindlebeforesunset · 5 years ago

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Baby Scenario = Malleus

By some strange enchantment, Malleus Draconia, dorm leader of Diasomnia, turns into a smol little one year old baby but still with full magic but alas, he has no control over any of it.

The result?

All classes are cancelled and everyone is tasked with trying to find Baby Malleus who has been lost.

Lilia is on the verge of a mental breakdown while trying to keep the dorm in control, Sebek and Silver are just squabbling with each other as they pair up to find their literal young master, and Headmaster Crowley is running around circles in the school grounds.

Heartslabyul students are going around with fresh pastries in hand to tempt baby Malleus with the smell.

Riddle Rosehearts goes around with tarts and his pen is at the ready to stop Malleus from going berserk again with magic.

Savanaclaw's Dormitory is on fire, courtesy of baby Malleus losing control with his own magic.

All students in that Dormitory are trying to stamp out the last of the green eternal flame.

Octavinelle students follow Heartslabyul with the 'snack' bait strategy.

Scarabia has prepped up pillows and squeaky toys in all the floors so that baby dragon does not get hurt and to be set as an alarm when his baby hands squeeze rubber peacock.

Kalim and Jamil are flying with the magic carpet to have aerial view.

Pomefiore has locked up all their makeup lest Malleus pops up and starts eating the lipstick.

Epel and Rook guard the Dormitory stash per Vil's orders.

Vil is making an antidote along with Professor Crewel to counter the 'baby enchantment' effect.

Meanwhile at Ignihyde, students are in shifts in watching the 'CCTV' footage from cameras that they managed to prep everywhere (even at the Dwarf Mine).

Ortho tags along Ace and Deuce and plays nursery rhymes while the two call out for Malleus.

Idia preps a device that can read magical energy to catch Malleus, but it only reads the flames all the way in Savanaclaw.

Sam and Mozus are with the Headmaster to stop him from doing apeshit.

It is finally evening. Malleus is not found. Everyone is tired and Lilia is on the last thread of his sanity.

Sebek and Silver scream "it's your fault" at each other, nearly went into an all-out brawl if they had not seen Ashton threatening them with detention.

Grim is going back to Ramshackle Dorm after eating almost all the cafeteria food that was left for dinner (that none of the students ate) when he hears a wailing in the main street.

Behold Malleus Draconia (as a baby), sobbing as he clutches to the Witch of Thorns' bottom part of her staff because he's too scared to go down the block.

Grim tries to coax him down with tuna, but Malleus refuses and keeps crying.

Desperate, Grim hops on the block to manually him, scaring the baby and Malleus screams out a WAAAAAAAAAAAA! that makes Grim fall out of the block.

Within seconds, Headmaster Crowley is there, taking a traumatized baby who cuddles into his arms and a very displeased Grim is just glaring at both.

The search has ended, Grim is rewarded with 500 cans of tuna, Lilia collapses from relief (along with exhaustion), Malleus' room is prepped with Scarabia's assortment of pillows, Sam provides a milk bottle (with six ounces of milk), everyone (even Ignihyde dorm) eats the excess treats from Heartslabyul and Octavinelle, Savanaclaw is finally fire-free, and Vil produces a potion bottle with the grey-coloured antidote.

Malleus upon seeing the antidote, refuses to drink it, but Sebek mixes the potion in the milk when his young master is playing with Silver, Kalim, and the rubber squeaky peacocks.

The milk bottle is given to the Headmaster who feeds Malleus, who is lulled to sleep by Ortho playing gentle lullabies.

Asleep, baby Malleus is in bed and his chamber door is closed.

Everybody vows to never speak of the day ever again.

When the next morning comes, Malleus, now back to his usual (and no memory of the day before), is confused by the date.

Lilia' only answer: "You overslept too much."

Cue unified nods from the rest of the Dormitory while they try not to laugh.

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falling-fineline · 4 years ago

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Native of mine you’re just my kind

(A Cake one shot)

Title and lyrics from “Lonely Hearts” by 5SOS and some inspiration from Ashton’s breakdown of CALM that he did for #1yearofCALM.

Summary: Distance makes the heart grow fonder, or so they say. What they don’t tell you is that it also exhaustingly lonely.

Warnings: smut and fluff! You’ve been warned!

can also be found on ao3!

Our house on fire

We’re burning

We dance inside

You’re hurting

If you leave me in the morning

I’ll have such a

Such a lonely heart

“I’m only gone for a week to see the family, Luke. Not moving back there forever. Plus, it’s my fourth day here so there’s technically four more days until you see me again. There’s no need to bring out that pout of yours, pet.” Calum rolls his brown eyes but smiles fondly at how childish his boyfriend is being right now.

Luke pouts for a second longer at the screen, then a small grin breaks the pout.

The blond loved these facetimes they have. There were no verbal promises but they’ve been facetiming at least twice a day, sometimes more. Mostly about silly things, most calls that don’t last more than 5 minutes. But these little nuggets of seeing calum’s really are the sole thing that’s Luke got looking forward to every day since Calum’s been gone. Luke won’t admit it to himself, and he thinks that Calum has caught on but just doesn’t say anything about it, but most of the calls are from Luke, and it’s whenever he gets a spike of ice cold fear that he calls Calum. An irrational fear, he knows, that calum’s going to stay in Aus, and not come back, essentially breaking up with him.

Aside from walking Petunia around the block every morning and night, Luke hasn’t doesn’t anything else other than lying around in bed, waiting for Calum to call him.

A pretty sad sounding existence, he knows. But ever since Calum left to visit his family in Australia a few days ago, luke’s been spiraling. He had sensed the his mental fragility settling in when he said goodbye to Calum at the airport and his mood has had a downward trajectory ever since. Luke went from quarantining with Calum ever since they came back from tour, seeing Calum every day, to suddenly not seeing him. This has thrown his head into a pitiful sad loop.

“Luke, you still with me, love? I know it’s late over there in LA but you called me.” A light chuckle rang out from Luke’s phone, in his hands as he laid on his side in bed.

“I just… couldn’t sleep. Wanted to see your stupid face again.”

Luke actually hadn’t slept for more than 2-3 hours every night ever since Calum left. This morning, Luke woke up, head in a hazy state, and just sat out on their balcony, staring at absolutely nothing. Begging to feel the sun that’s shining on him, the warm hug she would have beared for him. Anything but this dark pit that regenerated out of thin air, in his chest, that seeped into his bones during the night Calum left and he hasn’t felt a thing in days.

Calum sees through Luke right away. It’s as if their souls were grown in the same origin, or something. Calum’s the only one that takes one look at luke and instantly reads him like an open book. Eager to read every word, every sentence, meticulous in not missing any clues along the way.

“Luke, you can be honest with me. This is your 5th call ever since I woke up and I’ve only been for 6 hours. I’m not saying to call me less, but today’s been a lot, huh? How have you been feeling?” calum’s concerned brown orbs search Luke’s through the screen, trying to see any minute change in the blond’s features that would give him away.

Luke closes his eyes for a moment, thinking of a suitable answer. He readjusts on the bed so he’s sitting up against the headboard. The younger lad had been so caught up in his head, wallowing in his sadness, he hadn’t really checked in with how he was feeling. Luke’s speak is thoughtful when he speaks.

“ive been feeling… lonely. Nothing new to me, nothing new to you.” A dry chuckle leaves the blond’s mouth and he see’s his boyfriend readjust in his own bed, mimicking Luke’s position. Calum’s eyes are filled with concern for the blond, a frown on his lips.

“now what have we talked about using humour to minimise how you’re feeling? Remember, for me to understand how you’re feeling, you gotta be honest with me, especially with how you feel.”

“I just hope that you’re missing me half as much as I’m missing you right now, cal.” Tears begin to form in the blond’s eyes, making his vision of Calum a misty one. But he continues on with how he truly feels. “Like, my heart hurts whenever you’re not here with me. I’ve got such a lonely heart without you here, cal.” A choked sob escapes out of the younger lad’s lips. He’s quick to wipe his tears with his hoodie sleeve before he looks like a right mess in front of his boyfriend.

“Oh, pet. Don’t cry. If anything, I do miss you, so, so, much. My chest can barely hold myself together. Every song reminds me of you and I’ve been listening to my music nonstop without you here with me. Mali keeps making fun of me cuz I’m glued to my phone, chatting with you all day long.” A wet grin appears on Luke’s lips then, reveling in the feeling of being missed. Of being thought about. Of feeling wanted.

Interest grows in Luke’s as he watches Calum innocently lick his lips. A low groan comes out of Luke’s mouth as he sinks into the bedframe, sinking deeper into his beige hoodie, his hood flipping flat on his blond locks.

“oh, I know those eyes whenever I see them. You in the mood right now, Hemmings?” Luke blushes even when he sees Calum strip out of his black calm sweatshirt through his screen, revealing a number of scattered tattoos all over his abdomen and arms. Luke drools at the thought of what comes next.

Luke begins to play with his growing bulge that’s beginning to come alive in his briefs, causing the camera to shake a bit. Calum noticed the movement and smirks.

“Are you touching yourself right now, babe? Is me being shirtless causing you to become hot and bothered, my boy?” just to seemingly directly add to Luke’s erection and to the mental wanking log he has of visuals of Calum, Calum flexes his tattooed arm for the camera, muscles seemingly bulging out of his skin.

Luke moans in luau of responding, one hand starts the task of getting his dick out of his briefs and one hand holding the phone steady. He moves his camera back a bit, revealing his angry red cock that glistens at the tip with precome. Calum’s whistles lowly at seeing his boyfriend’s big cock.

Luke overtly stares at calum’s tattooed arm. The way the 5 o’clock shadows are casted on his muscles, clinging to every curve and jutted out vein. The blond fantasizes that it’s calum’s hand that’s jerking himself off right now, arm pumping up and down, muscles working overtime to get Luke to his climax.

Luke’s eyes become hooded eyelashes fluttering as he feels the familiar warmth coil itself in his abdomen, close to release. Mouth hanging open, Calum doesn’t think Luke realizes the soft continuous “ah ah ah’s” that are leaking out of his mouth as he feels his orgasm building. Small tears escape his eyes with how good Luke feels as he imagines it’s his boyfriend’s thumb that goes over the tip of his leaking cock, sliding his precome over his slick dick. At one point during their FaceTime, Luke had stopped jerking himself off to hike up the beige hoodie that he has on, tucking it under his chin, revealing perky nipples and pale skin with luscious chest hair.

“Look how pretty my boy is, all desperate for me.” Luke preens at calum’s words, warmth growing in his cheeks and heart. “Look how beautiful you are, at worked up, just from imagining me jerking your big huge cock off. And it’s at for me, my eyes only. God damn it Hemmings, what am I gonna do with you?” Calum lips his lips in anticipation. Luke loved when Calum got possessive in their dirty talk. It made him feel wanted, lusted over, and more importantly, loved.

A low whine escapes Luke’s lips as the blond imagines face-fucking Calum. He’d take his cock so nicely into his mouth. His greedy greedy mouth. Luke imagines calum’s jaw going slack as the brunet succumbs to his own pleasure and with a dazed look in his brown orbs, the blond imagines fucking calum’s throat relentlessly as he jerks himself to climax.

With a shout of calum’s name, Luke comes all over his stomach and chest, huge spurts of white spunk paints his chest hair, mingling in the unruly curls.

Eyes glazed over with his orgasm, the blond sees his boyfriend’s mouth open in a silent scream as Calum cums too in his own pants.

After a couple minutes of silence from both ends as they came down from their orgasmic highs, Luke chuckles.

“I really needed that cal. Thanks. I’m so relaxed now…”

They stay on the line for a while longer, just smiling like goofs to each other.

#cake hoodings #cake 5sos #calum hood #luke hemmings #one shot #smut #fluff #drabble #fan fic #my work

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allsassnoclass · 4 years ago

Note

“Every day you wake up and make it my problem” Luke to Ashton

alrighty a theatre au for the only person in the theatre department who can handle me <3

Opening night brings a palpable excitement in the air, a nervous energy that can only naturally be produced at this point in the production process. The scenes have been blocked, the lines memorized, the sets built, the costumes sewn, and every piece of design meticulously brought together to create something ready for sharing. As Luke hangs up the laundered costume pieces and ensures that the dressing rooms are prepared for the night, he can already feel the excitement amongst the crew milling about. It will only be compounded once the actors arrive for the night.

Luke has his sewing kit, numerous pins, extra hairspray, and a bite light. There aren't many quick changes in Hamlet, and all of them have been easily doable in dress rehearsals. He's ready.

When he wanders out to backstage, Calum and Michael seem to be ready, too. Calum is sitting on the acting block Michael has commandeered as his seat since tech, scrolling through his phone while Michael goes through his pre-show duties on the other side of the stage.

"Ready for tonight?" Luke asks, making Calum jump.

"Yeah. Is the laundry up?"

"Costumes are all clean and accounted for," Luke says. "If you want an empty dressing room, now is your time."

He stands and stretches, wandering over to the dressing rooms. Luke takes his spot and watches Michael continue to double-check props on the other side of the stage. Once satisfied, he heads back over, stopping short when he sees Luke.

"You're not my boyfriend," Michael says.

"He went to go get ready before the rush," Luke says. "Ready for tonight?"

"Very," Michael says. "No one has broken anything yet, which is a bit worrying, but I'm fucking ready to open."

"No one's broken any props or sets, you mean. I've had to resew numerous buttons and seams. Ashton can barely keep his clothes on."

"I bet you like that," Michael says, waggling his eyebrows. Luke flips him off, too used to Michael's teasing to be truly bothered. Ever since he first saw their lead actor and tripped over his own feet he hasn't known peace.

In his defense, Ashton is very beautiful. It is not Luke's fault that he got flustered during their first interaction. At least he was only writing down measurements instead of having to take them, because being that close to him without time to mentally prepare would have been embarrassing for everyone. (If he still has to take a few breaths when helping Ashton get on his more intricate costumes, that's his business, especially because being under the stage lights only enhances all of Ashton's best features.)

"Ashton gets to make out with your boyfriend every night. Stop laughing," he says flatly.

"Yeah, and it's fucking hot," Michael says, nudging Luke out of his seat.

Luke rolls his eyes. Reducing the relationship between Hamlet and Horatio to a "fucking hot" make out scene is a disservice to all of the painstaking work that Ashton, Calum, and the director have done to seamlessly incorporate it into the story without alienating or reducing Ophelia, but Michael isn't exactly wrong.

Ashton seems like a good kisser. Luke wants to know what it'd be like to be on the receiving end of that when there's no acting involved.

Luke kills time with Michael until he has to go on headset, signaling that it's late enough that Luke should probably check on the actors. Gertrude's zipper on her dress keeps getting jammed to the point where Luke is really considering replacing it. It works most of the time, but Luke is getting sick of having to finagle it. He helps her get it up and makes a note to replace it before tomorrow, then he heads to men's dress, ready to camp out until someone else needs him

"Luke!" Ashton greets exuberantly as soon as he steps in the door. He has his makeup on, just simple things to ensure he doesn't get washed out under the stage lights, but he looks stunning. He isn't even in his main costume yet, an intricate black tunic with gold embroidery meant to blur the line between historical and contemporary like everything else in the show, but Luke wants to swoon.

"Hi."

"Thanks for fixing my buttons," he says. "Again."

"Try not to rip them off tonight," Luke says.

"I always try," Ashton says. Somehow, Luke still feels like he's going to be fixing a button. Ashton doesn't restrain himself onstage. It makes him captivating to watch, but it also means that unnecessary rips and button tears occur, sometimes in ways that Luke thinks should be impossible. Being wardrobe head for this production has taught him many new ways to break a costume.

He helps the actors here and there with things like hair or specialty makeup, distracting himself from Ashton changing in the background and passing the time until the actors go to warm ups. Rosencrantz has managed to misplace his socks because he hadn't zipped his laundry bag when he gave it to be washed and Gildenstern can't find one of her shoes, but otherwise there isn't much for Luke to do with this show. He wanders out by Michael, knowing by now where he can stand to watch from offstage and when he'll have to move so he's not in the way.

When the lights go down and the warnings about flash photography and food in the theater play over the loudspeaker, Luke's heart starts thumping harder in his chest. Michael turns on the fog machine for a bit of haze at the beginning, Bernardo and Francisco take their places onstage, and the play begins.

Even after having seen the show during the crew view and hearing it over the monitors backstage every night since, he manages to get lost in the story. Each performer is on top of things tonight, none more so than Ashton. From the moment he steps out on stage the charismatic actor is gone, replaced by a moody but no less magnetic Hamlet. His grief and anger is palpable in his introductory scene, and his relief at seeing Horatio for the first time perfectly sets up their dependency in the rest of the show. His scene with the ghost is heartbreaking, and Luke finds himself subconsciously biting his lip and leaning forward, wanting nothing more than to erase his pain. Hamlet is enamored by Ophelia and broken by her betrayal, and every soliloquy is captivating. No one can command a stage like Ashton Irwin.

Intermission sees Luke attending to his actual job as a dresser, helping with the laces on a few costumes and checking with all the actors to be sure there's no issues. Ashton grabs his shoulders and blurts an excited sentence about crowd reactions, then immediately goes backstage to get "back into the Hamlet zone." Calum watches this interaction with raised eyebrows. When he heads backstage, Luke hopes he's not going to gossip with Michael.

The second half of the show goes just as smoothly as the first. Michael has him take care of the actress playing Oscric when she feels a little bit faint, but once she gets more water in her she perks back up and Luke can return to watching Ashton's breakdown on stage. The ending duel scene is more polished and realistic than they've ever done it, but it's Horatio's final moments with Hamlet that leave Luke speechless. Something about Calum cradling Ashton in his arms while Ashton commands him to stay alive and tell his story has Luke tearing up.

He leaves during curtain call to grab the laundry bag and set himself up outside the dressing rooms, ready to take everything that needs to be washed. It feels anticlimactic to have the first night of the show done, but Luke typically doesn't feel the same sense of accomplishment as the actors do after each individual performance. It never truly hits him until strike, when he has to put everything away and reset the theatre and costume space to prepare for the next show. Luke congratulates every actor that passes and waits for them all to leave so he can go home. There's no one waiting for him in the audience tonight and he wasn't told about any after-parties, so he's looking forward to getting sleep before returning to the costume shop tomorrow to take care of the notes he has.

"Ashton's the last one in men's dress," Calum says when he hands in his own laundry. "He asked me to send you in."

Luke had been hoping that Ashton would be able to make it an entire show without a costume mishap. Apparently that hope had been misguided.

"It's Luke," he announces, knocking on the door.

"Come in!"

Ashton is pulling on a t-shirt, giving Luke an accidental glimpse at the dimples in his lower back. When he turns around he looks sheepish.

"I lost a button during the duel."

Luke sighs.

"I promise I'm not deliberately being destructive," Ashton says. "I'm not trying to make more work for you."

"Yet every day you wake up and make it my problem," Luke says. "Can I see which button?"

Ashton brings him his dueling vest, pointing out where a simple black button had fallen. Luke will walk by the stage to see if it's still there or Michael found it, but if not then it won't be difficult to replace.

"I'm really sorry," Ashton says, still standing close. "I swear I won't make you fix my costume tomorrow."

"Don't make promises you can't keep," Luke says. "You have the worst track record with costumes out of everyone I've ever worked with."

"Well, I need some excuse to keep talking to you."

Luke blinks at him.

"That was a joke. I mean, I do love having a reason to talk to you, but it'd be shitty of me to be deliberately making your job hard."

"Oh," Luke says. "You don't need a reason to talk to me. You can just do it."

"There's not a lot of time for it in the middle of a show," Ashton says. "Unless you'd want to see me outside of work sometime? Say, for a coffee or dinner? As a date?"

"Me?" Luke asks. Ashton makes a show of looking around the empty dressing room.

"I don't see any other tall, attractive blond men named Luke who keep putting my clothing back together."

Luke smiles, not trying to hide his excitement. He's a shit actor anyway, and Ashton would see right through him.

"I could do that, but only if you stop ruining your costumes every night. Make it through tomorrow with no mishaps and we'll go on a date."

"You drive a hard bargain, Hemmings, but I'll try my best. For you, I'd sew everything back together myself if I had to."

"Please don't," Luke says.

"You don't trust me?" Ashton pouts.

"No," Luke laughs. "You keep destroying your costumes. I'm not about to trust you to fix them correctly."

Ashton shrugs. "Yeah, okay. I'm not a good sewer, anyway."

"That's what you have me for," Luke says. Ashton smiles, just as dazzling under the dressing room lights as it is onstage. It takes Luke's breath away, just a little.

The dressing room door opens, bringing Luke back to Earth. Calum pokes his head in.

"Hey Ash, your siblings want to see you. Stop flirting with Luke and get out here." He doesn't wait for a response, thankfully leaving them alone again for another moment. Ashton ducks his head, scuffing his shoes against the floor.

"I shouldn't keep them waiting," he says.

"It's hard being a star," Luke replies. It makes Ashton smile again, which is an exhilarating experience in of itself.

"We'll check in about the date tomorrow," Ashton says. "No more costume mishaps, cross my heart."

"I'll believe it when I see it," Luke teases. Ashton snorts.

"Have a good night, Luke. Congrats on the show."

"You too," Luke says. "You're really amazing up there."

"Thank goodness," Ashton says. "It'd be a bit late to replace me otherwise."

Luke rolls his eyes with a smile. "Get out of here, superstar. Go see your family."

Ashton blows him a kiss and ducks into a bow with a flourish on the way out the door. Luke stands in the middle of the dressing room, running his finger over the spot on Ashton's vest where the button is missing. He should probably be annoyed, but he's not. He's going on a date with Ashton at some point, and that's worth all of the lost buttons and torn costumes in the entire production.

#my writing #lashton #drabble #I want to be involved in a production of hamlet SO BAD #SO BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!#also hello I miss traditional theatre #zoom theatre is great given the circumstances but I can't wait to actually Watch A Show In A Theater again #and be involved in one

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music-my-angel · 3 years ago

Text

His support system

Prompt - can you do a Calum hood centric where all the boys turn against him and get the fans to turn on him which leaves Calum broken and depressed and he hurts himself in some way and one of the boys find him in a really bad state from not eating, sleeping and hurting himself and the realize what they have done and all comfort him and tell the fans what’s happened and tell them to stop sending hate to him.

Prompt - could you do a Calum hood centric were all the boys turn against Calum and they have a bad argument that leads to them saying Calum’s out of the band. which leaves Calum really upset and down and he goes to Mali for comfort and she rings the boys a few days later telling them that Calum’s a mess and they’re sick for what they have done to him and they should fix it right away.

Prompt - Can you write about how Calum cut his hair due to a mental breakdown? That was the original caption on one of his Instagram posts but he changed it

Prompt - Can you write a fic where Calum is caught self-harming?

TW: Self-harm

------

Often when you’re at your lowest point is when you notice things getting worse. Calum has been feeling off since the past few weeks. Nothing seems to be going his way lately. He wasn’t sick. He wasn’t sad but he wasn’t happy either. There was no specific reason for his mood. He was just not feeling himself lately. And when he thought about leaning onto his friends, Calum saw his usual support system crack. It was probably a small and solvable argument but with Calum already feeling down, things looked worse than ever for him.

-------

The boys were writing a song for their upcoming album. Usually, this was the time when Calum felt reconnected to the world again but lately even music couldn’t cheer him up. He sat in a corner, completely tuning out whichever discussion the boys were having again, only to suddenly have all fingers pointing at him.

“Cal’s not even doing anything! Why doesn’t anybody say anything to him?” Luke grumbled.

Calum raised an eyebrow, attention snapping back to Luke.

“Lately have you seen Calum do anything, actually?” Ashton snorted.

“What do you mean?” Calum asked.

“Doing nothing for the band…” Michael muttered.

Michael meant no harm with whatever he said but in the heat of the mind, the words that left his mouth were about to create a whole new mess for Calum.

-------

Calum had stayed quiet after Michael’s words but his mind was loud. Too many things were going through his mind. So, one early morning, he simply packed up and left.

When the boys saw that Calum was missing, they got really angry.

“He left because of a joke?” Luke asked.

“I didn’t mean what I said… Why is he acting so snobby? We can’t make jokes now?” Michael huffed.

“Let him be. He’ll come back when he wants” Ashton sighed.

If only the boys knew that Calum wasn’t acting out, he was slowly plunging in a world of darkness.

------

It had been two weeks since they heard from Calum until one day, Luke was rushing to the kitchen with his phone to show them Calum’s recent post.

“Seeking attention now?” Michael angrily spat out.

“He looks… kind of… rough” Luke mumbled.

Ashton reached for Luke’s phone to see Calum’s picture again only for the boy to delete his post.

“He deleted” Ashton’s confused tone echoed.

Luke shrugged as he tried to ignore the worry seeping through his mind now.

------

A month since their disagreement, Ashton got a phone call from Mali.

“How could you? You have no idea what he is going through” Mali’s angry tone came as a surprise to Ashton who knew the girl was a very happy person.

“Mali, he was the one who chose to leave” Ashton tried to reason with her.

“You shot a person who was already down? What else did you expect? He was already feeling so low. And now the fans are blaming him for the break that 5sos are on” Mali sniffled.

“What do you mean?” Ashton asked.

“He wasn’t feeling fine and you guys went on to say so much mean stuff to him. He is so depressed. He stays in his room, doesn’t talk to anyone. Doesn’t smile… He doesn’t sleep much. He is no longer my Cal” Mali’s voice cracked as she spoke.

As soon as Mali hang up, Ashton was already on his feet. He barely could get the words out of his mouth as he instructed the boys to pack up quickly.

------

It was a really bad day when Calum woke up that morning. He was feeling worse than before. To relieve the stress, he added a few cuts to his older self-harm wounds but somehow, he still couldn’t let go of the knife that stayed dangerously close to his wrist. And that’s exactly how his bandmates found him.

“Cal” Luke stuttered, breathe hitching.

“Oh my God” Michael exclaimed.

“Hey… Hey Cal… Come on, buddy. We can talk” Ashton kept his calm as he approached the boy softly.

“About what? You guys don’t want to listen” Calum’s tone was so flat that Luke could already feel the tears running down his cheeks.

“You don’t want to do this Calum” Michael tried to reason with the boy, “You’ve got your parents, Mali, us… Please?”

“Do what?” Calum asked, confused.

“Don’t kill yourself” Luke sobbed.

“Oh?” That seemed to snap Calum’s trance as he lowered his knife. “Wasn’t… I was just relieving myself of the pressure. Just a few cuts…”

“Oh Cal, buddy… Why kiddo?” Ashton crouched down in front of the boy.

“I don’t know… I don’t know…” Calum admitted, breaking down in tears.

The boys pulled him in a hug as they didn’t even try to hold back their own tears.

------

Afterwards, they sat down and had a good talk to clear their misunderstanding. Michael insisted that Calum shaves himself and takes a bath while Ashton got him his favorite food. Calum didn’t eat much but that night, he did find his eyes close on their own as he basked in the safe comfort of being around his bandmates. Together, they’d get through these dark times. They had his back. They were his support system.

------

A/N

Hope you all like it.

#5sos #oneshot #calum centric #luke #ashton #michael #mali

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clumsyclifford · 4 years ago

Text

i’ll be your eyes (you be my face)

‘cause darling i get scared for you, and i’m not busy anyway.

It’s unspoken, but Luke is pretty sure they’re trading off on who gets to have a breakdown every week. (Or, Luke and Ashton help each other. Heal each other. Same thing.)

TWs: depression, suicide ideation, general angst. you guys asked for it. title from the song anyway by noah kahan.

read it on ao3 here

It’s unspoken, but Luke is pretty sure they’re trading off on who gets to have a breakdown every week.

Last week it had been Ashton, and Luke thinks he did a decent job talking him down from it. He has some practice. Ashton’s always been — well, they’ve all been fragile, from the very start, but Ashton has always been the most obvious about it. Michael lashes out. Calum pulls himself inward. Luke keeps it quiet. But Ashton bleeds. Ashton leaves himself open and vulnerable, cries tear stains into the carpets and tour bus floors and hotel pillows. This is just the way things are. Ashton bleeds. He’s the only one who does.

This week, though, it’s Luke. Luke knows that because it’s a terrible day, and they’re sitting at dinner and Luke is staring at his plate, and Ashton’s just cracked a joke about something, and now Luke’s heart — his chest — everything’s wrong, and he wants to cry where he didn’t just a moment ago. He’s not hungry. Has he ever been hungry?

“Luke,” Ashton repeats, but Luke buries his face in his hands instead, elbows digging into the table. This is how it is. They do this over and over. It’s his turn to fucking lose it, isn’t it? He’s earned the right. “Luke. Are you — what can I do?”

Luke shakes his head. “Not hungry,” he says, and then without ceremony pushes his seat back and retreats to his room, shutting the door behind him.

He feels desperate and stretched thin and achy, feels like he’s been in panic mode for weeks and it’s starting to wear him out. Ashton let him move in to help, but Luke hasn’t really gotten better, has he? Still the same piece of shit he was before, rock-bottom with a pickaxe. He flops face-first into his pillow and hugs it tight. Maybe he’ll be able to hold his breath longer this time than the last. Maybe he’ll be able to hold his breath until he passes out. Maybe —

“Can I come in?”

Luke grunts, which means yes, in Luke-and-Ashton-living-together-speak. The door creaks.

“Can I sit?”

Another grunt. Luke hasn’t taken his face out of his pillow. He’s just beginning to feel lightheaded from it. Maybe this is the time it kills him.

It’s not what he wants, though. It’s not. Sometimes Luke thinks he’s just faking it until he makes it — over and over, I don’t want to die, I don’t want to die, I don’t want to die. One day it will be true again. A hand settles delicately over the dip of his spine.

“Pick your head up, Luke.”

Luke doesn’t. His heart is beating faster now; he still hasn’t caught his breath, and now his chest is starting to squeeze, and maybe this really will be it.

“Luke. Stop it.” The hand moves to his shoulder, grips him tightly, forces Luke to turn onto his side, and Luke glares as he exhales.

“We said no more of that shit,” Ashton tells him. “Come on. Tell me what’s going on.”

“You already know what’s going on,” Luke mutters. “My brain is fucked up. That’s what.”

“How do you feel?” Ashton presses. “Did something happen that made you react like this?”

Of course nothing happened. That’s a stupid question. Ashton should know better. “Oh,” Luke says, “you mean other than the fact that there’s something wrong with my fucking brain? No, nothing.”

Ashton doesn’t say, there’s something wrong with mine, too. He doesn’t say, that’s why I’m here. Or even that’s why you’re here. He doesn’t remind Luke that the whole reason they moved in together was to help each other out. That wouldn’t really be true anyway, even though Ashton likes to say it is; the truth is that Luke is imposing on Ashton, and if Ashton weren’t so fucking lonely and broken, if Ashton weren’t just as bad as Luke if not worse, then he’d have never let Luke in. Because Luke is fucked up. There’s no doubt about it. And now Ashton is signed up to deal with it.

“Are you mad at me?” Ashton asks him. Luke stares.

“Of course I’m not fucking mad at you,” he says.

“Then stop taking it out on me,” Ashton says. “Talk to me. Tell me how you’re feeling. We can get through this, you know. We have, and we’ll keep doing it. I know you can. Do you trust me?”

And Luke wants to tell him of course I trust you but that’s not the point, say trusting you isn’t going to fix me, say it’s not about trust. But Ashton’s expression is open, earnest, so deadly sincere.

“I trust you,” Luke says, like he’s said a hundred times before. “I feel like shit. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t take it out on you.”

“Yeah,” Ashton says. “But it’s okay. I know you don’t mean it.” Luke wonders if Ashton really believes that, or if he’s just saying it. And if he means it, what would it take to convince him that Luke hates him? Maybe Ashton trusts Luke too much. Maybe he should say something about that, do something about it.

He remembers a soothing hand to Ashton’s face, a gentle kiss to his forehead while he’d cried about missing his siblings, stroking his hair until he’d fallen limp in Luke’s arms, mumbled words like it’s going to be okay and you’ll see them soon and I’m here, I’ve got you.

It’s symbiotic in a dangerous way, this precipice they’re balancing on. Just two batteries killing themselves to charge each other. But as long as they stay in this bubble, alone together, they’re effectively immortal. Like Prometheus, cursed to heal every morning only to be torn apart again every night. And around and around they go.

By all rights, it’s a good day. A fun day, actually. Luke teaches Ashton to play “She’s Kinda Hot,” and then Ashton goes and does the shopping and Luke cleans the kitchen before he comes back, because he’s just that nice. Ashton makes dinner. They eat. It’s fine. It’s good.

Ashton goes to bed earlier than Luke, always. He’s got a better grasp on what he needs to feel better. Physical health is the first step towards mental health. Ashton has it down to a science, literally, almost. He tries to push Luke, but Luke’s got far too many thoughts to shut up before one in the morning at the earliest, so he’s still awake at midnight after Ashton’s supposedly gone to bed.

He’s still up when he hears footsteps, and that means Ashton’s awake, possibly getting water or something. It’s not a concern. It shouldn’t be.

Then, “Yeah. I miss you, too.” And Luke feels a secondhand pang of hurt, this melancholy that surrounds Ashton whenever anyone mentions his family. It’s a sensitive topic for him more than most; to go from practically raising your siblings to never seeing them must feel like losing a limb, not that Luke would know. He stalls, listening for the sound of Ashton crying or even choking up. He knows his cues. “No, we’re fine,” Ashton carries on, the sound growing distant as Ashton moves further towards the kitchen. “It’s just weird, you know?”

Luke creeps towards his door, listening. “Mike, don’t,” Ashton finally says; Luke does a double-take. Michael? Clifford? Their bandmate and best friend? Okay. That makes sense. It can make sense. If Ashton’s going to be on the phone with anyone at midnight, anyway, it’ll be Michael. “Seriously, it’s so far away.” Pause. “Obviously I — Michael, it’s not worth it. You should spend time with your family. Plus you’d be leaving Cal all by himself and you know he doesn’t do well.” He laughs. “Look, I should sleep. Talk to you later, okay? No, we’ll talk about it later. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Love you. Bye.”

Luke counts under his breath. When he reaches ten he pushes the door open and slowly pads into the kitchen, where Ashton is nowhere to be found.

“Ash?”

“Yeah,” comes Ashton’s voice. Luke comes around the island, and Ashton has his back pressed against it, feet propped up and digging into the bottom drawer across from him. His elbows are resting on his knees, head hung low, fingers tightly woven into his hair. The picture of distress, of silent suffering.

“All right?” Luke asks, even though he’s obviously not. Then, in the interest of transparency, he adds, “I heard you talking to Mikey.”

“He wants to come visit,” Ashton says quietly.

“That sounds nice.”

“I know. It does. I want him to."

"But?"

Ashton blows out a puff of air, like he's smoking but without the cigarette. "I don’t know. I don’t want him to see me like this.”

“I don’t think he’ll care,” Luke says candidly. “He’s seen us both at our worst.”

“I know,” Ashton says despairingly. He’s still talking into his thighs, and hasn’t looked up to see Luke. “It’s just, I don’t know. I’ll be apathetic. I’ll be an asshole, and I’m trying so hard not to be. I don’t want him to think I don’t still like him. Just because I don’t know how to, like, work properly.”

“Ash, Mike’s known us for, like. Six years? Give or take?”

“And I love him, and I don’t want to be like this,” Ashton says frustratedly. “I hate — I don’t want to see anyone. Don’t you feel like this? Ever? That if you have to talk to another person you’ll just —” He tugs at his own hair. “It’s not fair to him. I told him not to come.”

Luke gets it, but he’s surprised to hear it from Ashton. Sometimes it feels like the fame is a forced half of Luke’s social life, contractually obliged to talk to everyone all the time about everything, and in response he has to shut himself away whenever he can or else he’ll commit murder. But Ashton’s friendly, personable; Ashton seems to enjoy creating conversation out of thin air.

“It’s just Michael,” Luke says gently. “He’s been like that more times than any of us can count. Hell, he probably invented the feeling. It doesn’t matter if you want time to yourself when he’s here. It’ll be nice to have him anyway.”

“I miss him,” Ashton says, and picks his head up to look at Luke. “Isn’t that fucked up, that I miss him? I miss Calum. I miss you.”

“I’m right here.”

“I know that. I know. I feel like I'm missing something and I don’t know what it is.”

“It’s not fucked up to miss your best friends,” Luke says. “And it’s also not fucked up not to.”

“We spend every fucking second together and it drives me crazy,” Ashton says weakly, “and then we’re separated and I miss everyone so much it hurts. Luke, if you hadn’t moved in I think I would have, like. I don’t know.”

Luke knows, but neither of them are going to say it.

“Hey,” he says. “I’m the one who’s lucky to have you, not the other way around.”

Ashton shuts his eyes and holds out an arm, which is an invitation, and Luke accepts, sitting down next to Ashton and leaning heavily against his side. Ashton drops his hand to Luke’s shoulder and his fingers brush up against Luke’s bicep, curling under the sleeve of his t-shirt, stalling there.

“Every second you’re not here, I miss you,” Ashton murmurs. Their heads are tipped together; Ashton’s staring straight ahead, and Luke’s looking sort of sideways at the fraying threads at the hem of Ashton’s t-shirt. “Maybe that’s crazy.”

“It’s not crazy,” Luke says quickly. He exhales. “I’m not, like...going anywhere, you know? I need you too.”

“Not as much as I need you,” Ashton says. He’s just like this sometimes. Blunt to a degree that makes you wonder if he’s being genuine. But Ashton’s always genuine. There’s not a truly dishonest bone in his body.

Luke doesn’t answer that. There’s no way to know whether or not it’s true.

“Wanna sleep with me tonight?” he asks.

Ashton nods. “I love you, you know?” he says, and Luke does know, but it doesn’t hurt to hear it.

“I love you too.”

“Yeah, but it’s not the same,” Ashton says, shaking his head. “Never mind.”

“Of course it’s the same,” Luke argues. “How can it not be the same? What, you think I wouldn’t drown without you?”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“What did you mean?”

“Not now,” Ashton says, sighing. “It’s — sorry. I know I brought it up but not tonight, Luke. I’m tired.”

Luke rests a hand on Ashton’s knee and rubs circles against the fabric of his joggers. “Okay. That’s okay. Bedtime, then?”

“Think so,” Ashton mumbles.

They stand, brush themselves off, return to Luke’s room with arms loosely linked. Ashton crawls under the covers and Luke is close behind. This is a practiced enough routine that Luke knows his choreography. He drapes his arm over Ashton’s waist and the other under his head, and Ashton sinks back into Luke’s chest until it’s hard to tell if they’re still autonomous individuals or just one big super-person. One mega band member full of sadness and pain and despair and a lot of broken music. Minor key people.

“I swear we don’t have to talk about it,” Luke whispers, “but I love you, too. However you meant it, that’s how I mean it.”

“You can’t say that if you don’t know,” Ashton whispers back.

“Well, I love you,” Luke responds. “Full stop, no qualifiers. Even if you didn’t love me I still would.”

Ashton sighs. “Can we talk about this in the morning?”

“Sure, or whenever. Or never, if that’s what you want. I’m just telling you.” He flattens his palm against Ashton’s heart. Ashton covers it with his own hand.

“Okay,” he says softly. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

Luke falls asleep to Ashton's steady breathing, and he thinks, terrifyingly, that he could get used to this.

#luke hemmings #ashton irwin #lashton #lashton fic #5sos #5sos fic #fic #my fic #i WARNED you it's emo as fuck #stuff #emo lashton

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outerspaceisbetterthannothing · 5 years ago

Text

Blame [Surgeon!Calum AU] Ch.7

Summary: What do you do if the only person you feel the connection to is the person you blamed for your sibling’s death?

Warnings: description of unpleasant sexual experience, mental breakdown and infant death

AN: Oh, wow, can’t really believe that i’m updating this fic, but here we are. Sorry it took so long and thank you if you kept waiting. Feedback is highly appreciated as always. Enjoy!

***

“Dad?”

The house answered with an echo of the word. Anna looked around. Lights were out in the kitchen and living room. Only the wall lamps in the hall were glowing softly, making everything look a little surreal in the shade of twilight.

“Dad, I’m home!” Anna tried again, but the house answered with the same silence.

She felt a rush of anxiety. Her dad knew she was about to come. Where was he? Where was everyone? Did anything happened? Anna dropped her bag right next to the door and moved to the stairs.

She saw it instantly, like she was expecting it. The door to the nursery, the one locked by Max weeks ago, was open. The only light was streaming from that room. Anna heard quiet sobs and gripped on the railing, her knuckles turning white. She wasn’t supposed to see that room. How come she did?

Anna entered the nursery.

“Mom?” she called.

Jennifer was standing next to the crib, clenching on the blue blanket they had brought to the hospital for Grayson. Her shoulders were shaking and her face was tear-stained, when she looked up at Annabelle.

“Mom, you shouldn’t have-” Anna started, her eyes filling with tears, but Jennifer closed the distance between them and hugged Anna, burying her face in Anna’s hair. “I’m so sorry, Anna, so so sorry,” she whispered.

“Mom, what are you apologizing for?”

Jennifer sniffed, letting go of Anna and looking her in the eyes. “I’ve dragged you through all of it, honey,” she said.

Anna felt her heart break at these words. “You’re not dragging me through anything, Mom. It’s not your fault. None of this is your fault,” she took a deep breath, trying to push back the tears. “Let’s go downstairs, you shouldn’t have seen this anyway.”

Anna tried to pull her Mom to the door, but Jennifer shook her head, not moving from her spot.

“No, my darling, I should have seen it,” she looked around the nursery. “We’ll never overcome it unless we go through it. Hiding and running away won’t do the trick.”

Jennifer let go of Anna’s hand she was holding and moved to the window, painted light blue color Anna had spent days choosing in July. She stroked the windowsill and sighed again. “I needed to see it. As I need to acknowledge the fact that my baby will never sleep here to move on and start healing.”

She turned back and looked at Anna, who stopped trying to keep her tears inside. They were streaming down her face and Anna didn’t attempt to wipe them away.

“You need it too,” Jennifer said. “Whatever it is what holds you from grieving, you should let it go, Anna. You need to go through it all, no matter how difficult it is, or it’ll crash you.”

Anna looked away at these words, feeling everything freeze inside her. She was grieving, wasn’t she? More than her Mom knew.

“I’m going through it, you don’t have to worry,” she said more just to say something, than because she really meant it.

She saw her Mom smile and nod and knew Jennifer didn’t believe a word. But Anna also knew her Mom well enough to know she wasn’t going to push it further.

“I love it, you know,” she said, making Anna look at her with a puzzled expression. “The nursery,” Jennifer explained. “It’s perfect. Thank you so much for decorating it and the paintings.”

Anna shook her head as her Mom came up to her again and stroke her hair. “You don’t have to thank me for anything.”

“Yes, I do,” Jennifer insisted, hugging Annabelle again. “So thank you, my beautiful strong girl.”

Anna sobbed, putting her arms around her Mom’s waist and resting her head against Jennifer’s shoulder. “There’s no one stronger than you, Mom.”

***

Calum was sinking in the void. He heard everything like he was underwater, his mind going numb. The world around was slowly dying, disappearing from his perception borders. He always felt like that in the OR, having all his focus on the patient in front of him, forgetting everything that existed behind the doors of a sterile room. He always had only one goal inside these walls. Saving a life.

But today the fog around the operation table was somehow thicker and everything felt more unreal. And when the machines started signalling about the blood pressure being dramatically low, it didn’t mobilized Calum, but only made his numbness worse. He knew that very moment, he wasn’t able to win this fight. To be honest, he knew it long before that, when they opened up the little body and saw the tumour with their own eyes, he knew there was too little of a chance for the success. Yet, when the baby stopped breathing, Calum didn’t stop operating.

He felt his assistant surgeon freeze, saw the hesitation in the eyes of the nurses. But he couldn’t just stop. He was a surgeon, for God’s sake! His job was saving people, not standing and watching them die. So he kept going, was giving the instructions on different medications to use, was trying to set the tiny heart back on, asking the anesthesiologist about the time. Like any time left for them by anesthesiologist mattered now. But when his tiny patient spent five minutes without breathing, he had to finally admit it. He lost his fight. Again.

“Time of death eleven forty-eight.”

His own voice was coming to him through the walls of fog. He stepped back from the table and motioned to the assistant surgeon to finish for him. Calum felt slight trembling in his hands, which never happened to him before. With loud bang, that no one besides him could hear, the walls around him fell down, revealing the truth Calum wasn’t ready to accept.

He lost a patient. He lost another patient and knew fucking nothing of how to deal with that right now.

Calum stormed out of the OR, ripping off the gloves and his operating gown, and strolled down empty hospital corridors. He heard a familiar voice calling on him, but didn’t even try to stop. He rushed through half-empty corridors and hid in the on-call room. He almost hit an intern when opening the door there, but the poor guy disappeared without complaining after just looking at Calum’s face once.

But privacy of the on-call room didn't help. Calum had started moving and couldn’t stop now. He kept pacing around the room, trying to do away with his anger at least like that, but it didn’t seem to help. He heard the door open and close behind his back and threw a hasty look that way. Ashton took couple careful steps closer, but then stopped. He wasn’t in his scrubs already and, obviously, had no idea about what happened in his best friend’s OR.

Calum kept pacing nervously.

“Cal, what happened?” Ashton asked when understood Calum wasn’t going to start talking first.

Calum just shook his head and let out an incoherent groan. Ashton took a deep breath and got ready to wait. He knew Calum well, knew he needed some time to open up and there was no point in pushing. This time it took only couple minutes for Calum to blurt out, “I just keep losing them, Ash. No fucking matter what I do, I still keep losing them.”

Calum stopped his pacing as suddenly as he started talking and looked Ashton in the eye.

“Why the hell does it keep happening?” Calum dropped and froze, his shaking hands the only proof he was a human and not a statue.

Ashton felt cold creep up his spine. Without doubt it was one of the scariest moments of his life, cause for the first time he had no idea what Calum was going to do next. No freaking idea in the world. His eyes were wide open, but the expression in them just as much of a mystery. Ashton took one more step to his friend, ushering “Hey, buddy,” under his voice. But that very moment Calum set in motion again. He exhaled, turned right and with all the desperation he had inside hit his own locker. And then he hit it again. And again. He was hitting it as fast as he could, feeling knuckles burn with pain.

It took Ashton about two seconds to realize what was happening. Two seconds of thinking how it couldn’t be happening, as it couldn’t be Cal, cause Cal could never do anything like that. But there he was right in front of Ashton punching his locker like it was Death himself, and Ashton had to stop him. He rushed to Calum and tried to grab his arms from behind, but succeeded only after the third attempt.

“You’re being an idiot,” he mumbled and pulled Calum away from the lockers, but Cal twitched and managed to move even closer to his improvised punching bag, dragging Ashton with him.

“Bro, stop, you can’t hurt your hands, are you insane?”

But Calum kept trying to fetch away from his hold.

“Dr. Hood,” cold voice rang out in the on-call room, stopping two men wrestling immediately.

Calum froze and Ashton let go of his arms, still keeping an eye on his friend though. They both turned to the door to be met with neonatal department head’s eyes, just as cold as her voice.

“Dr. Campbell,” Ashton greeted the surgeon. Calum stood silent. They both knew what was gonna happen next and good manners weren’t to save him from this.

“As tragic as losing a patient is, Dr. Hood,” she started not raising her voice anymore, “it isn’t a reason to risk your surgeon skills. More than four million infants die in the world every year. You have no right to prevent hundreds of your future patients from getting the help they deserve.”

Aston threw a look at his friend, who didn’t answer anything and was looking somewhere above Dr. Campbell’s head.

The head of department frowned a little at the lack of response, but continued, “I believe you ought to file a report, add all the necessary information to the patient’s chart and talk to the little boy’s parents.”

“With all due respect,” Calum started and for the first time in his life Ashton heard his friend’s voice tremble. It was hardly noticeable, but he knew Calum too well not to hear it. “I’m not sure that I’m the one to do it regarding my state and…”

“He was your patient,” Dr. Campbell interrupted him, “he is your responsibility.”

Calum nodded, his fists squeezed and jaw tensed. Dr. Campbell sighed and went on, “After you finish with those, please, leave the hospital. I don’t want you in my department for the next three days.”

“But I have a shift tomorrow, some surgeries planned!”

“Not anymore,” she shook her head. “And if I see you boxing against lockers ever again, it’ll be not three days off, but an official suspension. Am I being clear here?”

“Yes,” Calum let out through his gritted teeth. He exhaled, like he was preparing for a jump and left the room.

Ashton nodded to Dr. Campbell and took a step forward the exit too, when her voice, much quieter and softer now, stopped him.

“Dr. Irwin, can you do me a favor?”

“Of course,” Ashton looked at the older surgeon, wondering what could she possibly ask from him.

“Look after Calum,” she uttered, looking him straight in the eye.

Ashton huffed, opened his mouth to say something, but changed his mind and just nodded.

“What?” Dr. Campbell asked.

“I’m sorry?” “You obviously wanted to say something, Dr. Irwin. Say it, please.”

Ashton took another minute to consider that offer and went on, “Don’t get me wrong, Dr. Campbell, but don’t you think threatening to suspend him is rather harsh?”

She sighed again and looked at the locker which now had dents from Calum’s fists.

“He is by far the most talented surgeon I’ve seen in all years of my career. But he needs to learn the hardest parts of our job before he understands his own greatness.”

Ashton gaped at her, being totally lost for words. He never worked much with Dr. Campbell, but had heard one too many times from Calum how she never praised anyone and the highest level of her approving was her silence. So hearing her say those things right now was almost life altering.

Dr. Campbell turned her eyes to Ashton, nodded one more time, as if she wanted to confirm she truly said what she said, and left the room. Ashton opened Cal’s locker, fixed the bigger dents and closed it. He couldn’t change what was happening to his friend, but he could help at least with that.

***

Cold drizzle was like a thousand stings on Calum’s face. He was trodding home through the dark and wet streets. Early October brought rains and gloom, but Calum was even glad that the nature was so in harmony with his mood.

He fixed the backpack on his shoulder and lowered his head a little not to let raindrops get in the eyes. Dr. Campbell’s rebukes kept replaying in his head. He was pretty used to her cold criticism, but today he couldn’t just accept it like he always did.

More than four million infants. What was the benefit for those infants from his surgical skills if he still continued losing patients? The image of crying boy’s parents cut him like a knife. He brought them the worst news parents could possibly get, and they still thanked him for everything he’d done. Like he had done enough. What was the fucking point in all his work if he couldn’t stop saying all these “Sorry” and “We’ve done everything we could”? What was the fucking point?

He crossed the road, car horns deafening him for a moment and reminding there still was a whole world around Calum he better start paying attention to. But Calum wasn’t ready to pay attention to anything tonight. He just kept thinking. Thinking about his work, his patients, his weakness. Maybe Luke and Mike were right? Maybe choosing a specialisation with such high risks was a mistake after all? Calum shook his head, narrowly escaping crashing into the group of giddy drunk people. He could still remember with what ideas and hopes he came to neonatal surgery so many years ago. He wanted to save lives, wanted to change those numbers. Believed that he was able to make those more than four million less than four million. How much did it say about his ego. And how little about his quality as a surgeon. Maybe, choosing neonatal surgery was a mistake after all.

His phone started vibrating in his jeans pocket. Calum didn’t want to even check who it was at first. Probably Ashton, checking up on him, ready to provide yet another spiritually deep shit about obstacles we had to go through on our way and how the most right paths were the hardest ones. Calum loved his best friend, hell, he considered Ashton to be his brother, just as close and important for him as Mali. But he was in no mood for these wisdom lessons.

But the call didn’t stop even after the third signal and that made Calum doubt it was Ashton. None of his friends were usually holding the call for so long. He fished his phone out of his pocket and looked at the lit up screen. He saw the photo he took at Aubrie’s party. She was smiling shyly and clinging on Anna’s neck, being so touchingly embarrassed in front of the camera. “Annabelle” was written across the picture in black letters.

Calum stopped and sighed. His finger lingered over the green icon, but didn’t tap. His eyes caught on the time and he frowned. There was no way she was calling him at almost one in the morning just to chat. He waited till the call went to the voicemail and the screen went out, and shoved the phone back in his pocket. Somehow this call only made him feel worse. He knew he should have answered, but he was just not in the shape to save young lost girls tonight. And anyway, if things had been different he would have still been in the OR and wouldn’t have answered her call. So probably it all was for the best.

Calum looked up to the pitch black sky and took a deep breath, feeling sharp drops of rain leave imaginary cuts on his face. He just needed to get home and let this awful day finally end. He fixed his backpack again and kept on walking through the dark and wet streets.

***

Anna switched her phone off, not leaving the message, as she was asked, and looked at her reflection in the mirror. He didn’t pick up. Was he busy? Working? Sleeping? Not alone? All these questions running in her mind. She didn’t even know why she called him in the first place. Did she expect him to come save her? Stop her from doing what she was about to do? She let out a humourless laugh and shook her head. She was not a damsel in distress and he was not a knight in shiny armour. Whatever she was about about to do, she did because she wanted to. Because she needed to. To feel something besides emptiness and pain, anything at all.

Loud bang on the door distracted her from her thoughts. She washed her hands and left the toilet, seeing the line that gathered while she was inside.

She was in the bar. She didn’t have an intention to go here, just found herself in front of the door and decided to spend the evening. She thought about texting Allie and Jo, but dismissed that idea instantly. She wasn’t in a mood to see anybody. She just wanted to forget, at least for the night. So she settled at the bar counter and ordered her first drink. She felt anger rising up inside as the alcohol was starting its way along her veins. For the whole week she kept replaying her mother’s words in her head. And each time she was doing it, she was getting more furious. She tried to keep her emotions in check, try not to show to her mom how really difficult it all was for her, for the sake of Jennifer’s sanity. And what did she get in return? An advice to let it all go? To let the grief crash her? To “go through it”, for the fuck’s sake? She shook her head, downing her first glass. She wasn’t going to do anything like that. She grieved and she moved on. Just like people do. But she wasn’t going to let it crash her. She didn’t want it, didn’t want to spend days drowning in her own tears, like her mom did. If letting go meant going through such excruciating pain, then fusk it. She’d rather feel nothing at all.

She asked for another glass, thinking alcohol would make her sleep better, and was determined to leave after finishing it. But then he came up to her. He was rather tall and pretty fine. Anna knew that in any other circumstance she wouldn’t spare the guy another glance. She didn’t get his name, but was pretty sure he didn’t get her name either, so they were even. He was just chatting her up and for now she was satisfied with it. Just as long as he kept her mind from all the shit she was going through. He paid for another cocktail for her and she kept smiling, even though his attitude was rather arrogant and his jokes much ruder than she preferred. Anna had no idea how much time she spent absentmindedly giggling to whatever crap he was telling, when she suddenly realized, he was standing a little too close. She was breathing his perfume in, too sharp for her liking, mixed with the spirit fumes. His eyes were demanding and his hand was already on the small of her back. Anna was trapped and there was no way of leaving this guy now without making a scene. So she lied she needed to go to the bathroom, and as soon as she was safely hidden behind the door of a single restroom, she dialed the number of the only person who, she believed, could save her from that guy and maybe even from herself.

But her call went on to the voicemail. Calum didn’t pick up. He was busy with work or whatever else he could have been busy with. And it meant Anna couldn’t have been saved. At least not tonight. She looked in the mirror, her eyes too big on her thinner than usual face, mascara dust on her cheeks. And then it stuck her. She didn’t need him to save her. She didn’t need to be saved at all. Her only agenda was not to feel, and there was pretty good chance that dude would help her with that.

She let the bangign girl inside the toilet and came up to the guy who was waiting for her and chatting to the bartender.

“So,” she went straight, “do you think we could leave this place?”

His satisfied grin was almost disgusting, but Anna prohibited herself to think about that. He dropped how he thought she would never asked, and ordered an uber pretty fast. And before Anna had a chance to understand all that she was doing, he was already all over her on the backseat of a taxi. His kisses were rushed and a little too rough, just like his hands on her thighs. But Anna let him get it his way, commiting to these new sensations, tasting them with her mouth and skin, wandering if she could get to enjoy them.

They got to his place pretty fast, and soon he was pushing his hand down her jeans. Anna didn’t let him turn the lights on, so there were only his hands and lips and occasional words in the darkness. He pushed her on the undone bed and pulled down on her jeans. She listened on their breathings and sounds of sloppy kisses and understood she could actually imagine whoever she wanted in his place. Sure as hell this guy was just using her for his pleasure, not really caring about her at all. Even if she had any doubts before, the way he shoved his dick inside her, without even asking if she was ready or checking if she was wet, said it loudly enough. She squeezed her eyes at a rather painful feeling and thanked the alcohol and darkness for at least some arousal. He started moving fast, hitting her hard with his body, his perfume suddenly making her sick. Anna forced her body to relax and faked a moan. Her sounds made him even more active, but she wasn’t opposed that at all, finally getting the feeling she was aiming for. He was fucking her into the mattress, using her body, while she was using him to imagine somebody else in his place and finally forget this somebody really existed somewhere in the world.

***

Calum was lying on his bed and watching strange shadows his bedside lamp was leaving on the ceiling. Duke lied next to him, watching his master with disapproval in his black eyes. Cal felt like his pup’s eyes were about to burn a hole in his head. So he turned to his dog.

“What?” he asked, irritated by the dog’s judgment.

But Duke only snorted and looked away.

Calum rolled his eyes. “Nice,” he huffed, “now you don’t even wanna look at me. And I thought we were friends.”

Duke growled quietly and crawled closer on the bed, pressing his side to Calum’s arm, but still not looking at him.

Calum sighed and scratched his dog’s back. “I love you too, buddy. Sorry I’m a dick today.”

Duke huffed, but didn’t change his position, making Calum think that he probably deserved it.

His phone started buzzing on the bedside table. Calum sighed again and stretched his hand to it, building up in his mind all the insults he was going to send up Ashton’s overprotective ass. But instead of black and white Ashton’s photo, he saw the same picture of Anna and Aubrie. He looked at the clock, short hand so close to showing three in the morning. Why the hell would she call him at three in the morning? Calum frowned, asking himself if he really wanted to know, when felt his dog’s eyes on him again. He looked at Duke and saw even more disapproval in his eye than before.

“Alright, alright,” he huffed, sitting up and answering the call. “Hello?”

He didn’t hear her voice. Truth to be told, he didn’t hear anything at all at first. He even thought she dialed his number by accident, having her phone in the bag or the pocket. But when things like that happened, you could usually hear something, like sounds of the streets around, or voices of people talking. And now he couldn’t hear anything. Until he heard her sniff.

“Anna?” he tried again. But again he got no answer. “Anna, what happened?”

Her sniffs grew into full crying. Calum could swear he heard the sound of the tears streaming down her cheeks in the silence surrounding them both.

He stood up abruptly, looking for his sneakers on the floor, Duke fast on his little paws and whining quietly. “Anna, can you just tell me where you are? What happened to you?”

It took her another minute to get herself to answering. By that time Calum was already leaving his place.

“Can you, please, come?” her voice was feeble to the point of being hardly audible, but it was enough for Calum. He made her repeat her address twice to memorize it, while he was running down the staircase, and thanked that sleepless city for the opportunity to catch a taxi at literally any time.

Her door was open. Calum didn’t know was it because she was waiting for him or because she was so neglectful to her own safety. But as he saw her tears-stained face he didn’t have a heart to scold her for that. Whatever was what brought her in that state, she scolded herself enough without his help.

She was sitting on her little couch, her eyes wide open and full of fear. Calum looked around and locked the door behind him. He came up to her, sat down and pulled her to his chest.

“It’s okay,” he whispered, feeling her tears start running again. He didn’t ask anymore questions, knowing better than this. Just let her cling on him and let it all out. But she didn’t cry for long. It’s like she had a limited amount of tears now and she couldn’t cry more than that. So she soon stopped, only reflex sobbing shaking her tiny frame every now and then, but kept holding on Calum.

He waited a little longer and decided to ask again, “What happened to you, Anna?”

Calum felt her shaking her head awkwardly against his chest. And then she finally answered, her voice muffled, “It’s not what happened to me. It’s what I’ve done with my own hands.”

“And what is it?” he asked, stroking her back soothingly.

Anna shook her head again, but then froze under his touch and breathed out, “I’ve just slept with a guy.”

She felt his hands stiffen for a moment, but only a moment. Whatever reaction he had, he was damn good in hiding it. Calum took a breath and asked, “So?”

She pulled away from him and sat straight, her red from crying eyes looking in his tired brown.

“I don’t even remember his name.”

“So?” he repeated with a huff. Calum did feel a sting of something too similar to jealousy, but hoped he didn’t let it show. After all, he had no right to feel anything like that.

“And I have a boyfriend, Calum!” Anna went on, hysterical notes back in her voice. “I have a boyfriend, who loves me, but I just went to a bar and slept with a random guy!”

“Hey,” Calum tried to stop her, but it was too late, tears filling up her eyes again. She started talking and couldn’t stop herself now.

“I just wanted to forget, Calum. Do I ask for too much? Just to forget, at least for half an hour. I just needed it and I went to that bar and he was there. And I didn’t even like him, but he was there and you didn’t answer my call, so I let him take me home. And-” she stopped, lost for air and words. “The fuck did I do, Calum?” she whispered, choking on her tears. “What the fuck am I doing? What should I even do? I just can’t anymore, it’s so difficult. Why no one tells you it’s so difficult?”

Anna started shaking with her whole body. Calum had set in motion before his mind fully acknowledged what was happening to her. He didn’t see it quite often even though he was a doctor, but he did know the symptoms of a panic attack well enough. He pulled from Anna for a moment and lifted his right leg on the couch. Then he took her by her sides and sat her right on his lap, put his arms around, squeezing her in the bear hug, letting his biceps almost crash her ribs and shoulders.

“Calum, I can’t breathe,” Anna managed to say.

He didn’t even try to reply. He felt her shaking stop instantly and her tears calming down and that was enough for him. Couple minutes later he opened his arms, letting her take a breath with her whole chest and looked her in the face. She looked back with a mix of surprise and confusion on her face. She was on a verge of hysteria only couple minutes before and now she felt completely calm.

“Feel better now?” Calum asked.

“Is it some kind of a doctor's trick?” she answered with a question, making him smile softly.

“Yeah, it actually is.” Calum moved away from her again, took her hands and pulled her up. “Come on.”

It took only two steps towards the bedroom for her to start arguing. “I don’t wanna sleep,” she started shaking her head, pulling on Calum’s arms to stop him. “I don’t wanna close my eyes. Each time I do, I see-” she broke, unable to finish. But she didn’t need to, he knew what she was scared to pronounce.

Still he huffed and pulled her further. “You need rest,” Calum stated. “You’re still slightly drunk and you’re tired and stressed. Your mind needs rest. Bed, now. Doctor’s order.”

But Anna kept pushing back, squeezing his hands and looking at him with a plea in her eyes.

“I don’t wanna stay alone,” she finally admitted.

Calum sighed, “Who says anything about staying alone?” he reassured her softly, pulling her closer and rubbing her arms. “Go lie down. I’ll turn the lights off and come.”

She spared him long lingering look, but did as he told and disappeared behind the bedroom door. Calum sighed heavily, stroke his neck and asked what kind of joke of the Universe brought this mess of a girl into his life. Was it his karma for not saving her brother? Or was her brother’s condition only to bring them two together?

He checked the lock on the door and switched off the lamp. He had no trouble with moving around her apartment, everything so tiny here, he needed literally three steps to cross the living room. Anna was already in bed, covers up to her chin, her eyes straight on him. He could feel them even in the shadow of the room, the only source of light was a street lamp far below her window. He took his shoes off and lay down on the covers. He rolled on his side to face her and met her demanding eyes. Anna pulled her hand out from under the covers and took his hand. They were just lying like that, face to face, holding hands and not saying anything. Soon she started blinking less, her eyelids getting heavier. She couldn’t keep her eyes open any longer and let tiredness pull her down into the depths of sleep. Calum exhaled, letting his body and mind relax, and slowly drifted away too.

***

Waking up was sudden, like coming up from underwater. Calum didn’t get what was it that woke him up, a noise or a feeling. He just opened his eyes, like from blinking, and realised he wasn’t sleeping anymore.

He was alone on the bed. Anna’s careful steps were heard from behind the door. He stretched his body and rolled on the back, looking around bright, but extremely small room. A bed with a forged headboard, some ribbons hanging from it alongside with a small dreamcatcher, a little dressing table and a door to what he assumed was a built-in wardrobe. There were half a dozen little photos attached to the mirror frame. And tens of different pictures were looking at Calum from the walls. Black and white pencil sketches, aquarells of a seaside and stormy skies, big sized photos of Annabelle with her parents and friends, portraits of random people and even couple of oil paintings. They all were forming the main decor of the room, being the most noticeable part in it. Calum felt uncomfortable, like he was prying into the part of Anna’s soul without getting a proper permission. But still couldn’t stop staring at them. She was so damn talented, it took his breath away.

Sounds of the coffee maker brought him back to reality. Calum yawned, glanced at her digital clock and got up. She was in the kitchen, next to the open cupboard, trying to get a cup without producing any noise. She was wrapped up in a soft bathrobe and looked extremely cozy with a messy bun on her head.

“Good morning,” Calum said, his voice raspy from the sleep.

She jumped and turned around, pressing the cup to her chest.

“Hey,” she mumbled. “Did I wake you up?”

Calum shook his head, coming up to the kitchen island and sitting down. Anna put the cup in front of him and reached out for another one. While they were waiting for coffee, Calum looked around the apartment, everything so familiar, yet so different in the morning lights. Anna kept staring at Calum. No one said a word.

When the coffee was ready, she filled their cups. Calum nodded in appreciation, but still didn’t say anything. The uncomfortable feeling he got while looking at her pictures stayed with him even after he left her bedroom. He felt guilty not only for this, but also for yesterday. Was he to blame for what she did? If he had answered his phone when she called for the first time, would it change everything?

“I’m sorry,” she blurted out all of the sudden.

“I told you, you didn’t wake me,” Calum shook his head again, though not daring to look at her.

“No, for yesterday. I’m sorry I called you and for the scene you had to see.”

Calum inhaled sharply. “You don’t have to. I understand,” he said. “I truly do, even sleeping with a random guy part.”

Anna couldn’t fight the shivers. His voice was so calm, almost cold.

“Do you despise me now?” she asked in whisper, terrified of what she might hear.

“Would I stay if I despised you?”

“That’s not the answer.”

And then he looked up at her. She was ready to many things, besides not being able to see anything at all in his eyes.

“It is,” said Calum firmly, “just not the one you were hoping for.”

His eyes were heavy on her face. Anna had no idea what was about to happen next. And when she understood she wouldn’t ever find out, because his phone started vibrating and distracted him from her, she felt nothing but relief.

“Hey, Ash,” Calum answered his phone, not looking at Anna anymore, and lifted his cup to take a sip of coffee.

Anna’s blood froze in her veins when she saw his hands, all knuckles were in bruises and cuts and blood stains. She looked back at his face, trying to imagine what could possibly have happened to him.

Calum wasn’t looking at her and missed the change in her mood, his full attention on the person he was listening to. He spent another minute just listening, when finally put the cup down and answered, slight irritation in his voice, “Listen, don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the care, but you don’t have to check up on me, bro. I’m alright.”

He had to listen for something his friend answered before going with “Yeah, hands are fine too, Ash.”

He finally looked at Anna, being all ears and shamelessly trying to make out what his friend was saying on the other side of the line.

“Listen, I’ll call you later and we’ll discuss it, alright? Have to go now.”

Calum hang up abruptly and met Anna’s half-curious, half-distressed eyes.

“Why does your friend checks up on you?” her question was straightforward to the point of being rude, but she couldn’t care less.

“Because he’s worried.”

“And why is he worried?” Anna pushed further.

“Because I lost a patient yesterday,” Calum answered simply.

“I’m sorry,” Anna mumbled, hiding her eyes in her coffee cup, wondering if his injured knuckles were marks of his emotions. But she could hardly imagine it. Calum she knew would never do anything like that, he was just incapable of such rage. She thought if that was one of the reasons she felt such attraction to him. She was absolutely positive whatever was happening inside his head, he would never overstep the line.

Calum winced, “It’s fine.”

And those two short words burnt her harder than anything before. It was someone’s baby, but for him it was fine?

“How can it possibly be fine?” she asked before she could stop herself. She had never got that angry so fast, but now she just couldn’t control herself.

What she hadn’t taken in consideration was that he was also angry. His emotions were still boiling since last night, and her scolding him for his hard-hearted attitude didn’t add to his pleasure.

“I am a surgeon, Anna,” he dropped, “and it’s a part of my work. Sometimes we lose patients. I knew the numbers when I came to surgery.”

“So that’s what they are to you?” she threw back at him. “Numbers? And my brother was also just a number?”

Anna knew she was overstepping. But she hated him that moment almost as much as she hated herself.

Calum didn’t answer anything. He just looked at her, hands holding on the back of his head. Anna couldn’t quite understand what was so different in his look right now, but could feel the change with her skin. He exhaled, stood up, picked up his jacket and, just as silently, left her flat. And Anna stayed to listen to the regret ringing in the air around her.

***

taglist: @myloverboyash, @bringmethehorizonandpizza, @calumamongmen, @lfwallscouldtalk, @empathycth, @calpops, @talkfastang, @cthoodsthetic, @ariannawoodxoxo, @dreamer-loves-lyrics, @fluffsshawn, @cals-cigarette, @easierfor5sos, @5saucewho, @gorgeouslygrace, @singt0mecalum, @rip-lukes-balsamic, @sinfuljade, @outlandishnerd

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insanityclause · 5 years ago

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Towards the end of 2017, Zawe Ashton quit acting. She was 33 years old, with a CV that included roles in the cult TV comedy Fresh Meat, films such as Dreams of a Life and Nocturnal Animals and a solid 12 years on the stage, with appearances at the Royal Court and the Old Vic. But something no longer felt right. “There was an artistic chasm opening up between the work I felt I was meant for,” she says, “and the work that was coming my way.”

Less than two years later, Ashton is on Broadway, receiving rave reviews for her performance as Emma in Harold Pinter’s Betrayal. Tom Hiddleston plays her husband, Robert, and Charlie Cox her lover. “At the moment,” she acknowledges with a wry smile, “quitting acting is going very badly for me.”

It’s Friday morning in Manhattan and Ashton and I are talking over almond croissants in a French café around the corner from her digs. Being superstitious, she claims not to have read Betrayal’s reviews. But when I tell her that The New York Times called her the show’s “breakout star”, she grins. “Oh, that bit I have seen. It’s written above my massive head on a poster outside the theatre.”

Jamie Lloyd’s pared-back production had already been a hit in London before transferring to New York last month, and the three primary cast members are making their Broadway debuts together. “Thank God,” she says. “It’s like losing your virginity with another virgin.”

The last time Betrayal was staged on Broadway, in 2013, it starred Rachel Weisz, Daniel Craig and Rafe Spall, and broke box office records in its opening week. “I’m obsessed with Rachel Weisz and Daniel Craig,” says Ashton. The couple live nearby: I ask if she has she hung out with them while in town. “Absolutely not!” she cries, pulling a face as if I’ve just suggested we sprint naked up Ninth Avenue.

Despite barely being out of work since signing up, aged six, for weekend acting classes at the Anna Scher school in north London – and landing her first paid job, on Jackanory, that same year – Ashton says: “I don’t consider myself in the public eye at all. I still sit in the window of the threading place I’ve been going to since I was 15, and have a woman thread my moustache.”

How much longer that anonymity will last is open to question; news stories linking her romantically with Hiddleston – The Night Manager star catapulted to Hollywood heart-throb status by his role in the Avengers films – are already flooding the internet.

“We’re in a play called Betrayal – of course people are going to speculate,” she laughs, when I broach the subject, but refuses to be drawn on it. “Being in dialogue with that is just so weird to me. It’s surreal.

“Is [the speculation] selling tickets?” she asks, rhetorically. “I bloody hope so – it’s got to be good for something, hasn’t it?”

If the castmates are dating, Ashton must be a master of time management. Betrayal may be getting all the attention, but as of Monday, she will have a hand in three theatrical productions running simultaneously. for all the women who thought they were Mad, Ashton’s play about mental health in the black community and the overmedication of black women, is opening on the same night in the Hackney Showroom in London and the SoHo Rep Theatre, off-Broadway in New York.

Ashton wrote the play in 24 hours in a “fever dream,” at the end of a 2008 Young Writers program at the Royal Court Theatre – where her fellow students included playwrights Nick Payne (Constellations) and James Graham (This House, Ink) – and with the help of a group called the Black Women’s Mental Health Project (“Now defunct, of course, because: austerity measures”).

“A woman there gave me facts and figures that seemed to unlock parts of the play that I’d started to write,” says Ashton, “and it confirmed something I knew on a very deep instinctual level, about the cultural biases that happen on a daily basis.” Ashton has first-hand experience of those biases, not least since, as she notes, “this play has taken 11 years to produce. I can’t help think that if I were a 24-year-old white male, it would have been on in every theatre in the land.”

Ashton grew up in north London, the eldest child of an English father and a Ugandan mother, who met while teaching; her father went on to become a commissioning editor at Channel 4. Home was “an environment where I was very much allowed to be the creative soul that I was,” says Ashton – her younger brother is now an artist and musician and her sister, a producer.

At school (state, single sex) things were less rosy. "I was so badly bullied,” she says. “I was this tall, skinny misfit who was unapologetic about the things that I was passionate about. I had a sense of who I was and what I was into, and you’re not supposed to have that. You’re just supposed to blend in.”

Even in the face of “a huge physical threat, a lot of the time,” she refused to conform and instead developed a resilience that would serve her well at drama school in Manchester. “By the end, they couldn’t wait for me to leave,” she says. “I’d turned against the institution in such a major way; you can’t grow creativity in a vacuum like that.”

Creativity is not something Ashton lacks. In the past couple of years alone she has directed a short film for Tate Modern about the artist Lorraine O’Grady, presented the Channel 4 arts programme Random Acts, guest-edited BBC Radio 4’s Woman’s Hour, and in April, had her first book published.

Character Breakdown is a comic novel based “absolutely, one hundred per cent” on Ashton’s own experiences as a woman in the entertainment industry. It features a catalogue of bullying, body image issues, insecurity, objectification and misogyny.

She began writing it, “pre- pre- pre-” the inception of the #MeToo movement two years ago. “When I started writing it, I was nervous that no one would give a s--- – who’s going to want to hear about an actress’s problems? Then, suddenly, all anyone’s talking about are actresses’ problems – I was, like, I’ve got to finish this book!”

Although she describes herself as “not someone who’s always asking: what’s next?” she admits that directing something substantial is high on her to-do list. “I love putting all the components together,” she says. “I want to draw the map rather than follow the map.”

for all the women who thought they were Mad is  at Hackney Showroom, London N16 (020 3095 9747) from Mon

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eliphante123 · 5 years ago

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meet Taniya the lion

Name: Taniya Kalisha

Nicknames: Tachan, Ta-nyah, little cub (Leona)

Age: 17

Gender: Female

Race: Lion

Height: 5 ft 1

College: Night Raven College

Dorm: Savanaclaw

Year: 2nd

Job: dorm assistant & peacemaker (dorm mates)

Family:

Father

Mother (decease)

Uncle

Aunt

3 cousins

Quote: a dream doesn't become reality through magic; it takes sweat, determination and hard work

Goals: strong, happiness, and become a greatest sorceress

Personality: She is kind and hardworking that likes to learn more about magic, helping out with everyone who are in trouble, and opens up to every old/new students of meeting new friends. Before she came to Night Raven College, she used to be shy and intimidated lion who gets really nervous of talking to everyone but as she was accepted, she became confident and honest with her words. She’s not like the rest of savanaclaw students that supposably hot-headed, rowdy, and hooligan of wanting a fight with other students, she is consider to be calm or more like a peacemaker to them but she can be a bit hot-tempered, too if they try something to pissed her off. When it comes to work of being savanaclaw’s dorm assistant that Leona assigned her to be, she’s very serious about her job and wanted to get her work done, perfectly by writing a to-do list of tasks, attendance, errands, keeping savanaclaw dorm from chaos, organize/fixing the facilities from damage, checking out the students, and etc. before going back to her studies or spending her free time in her dorm room. Taniya has a phobia of flying, which brings her to be a scaredy cat of attending flying class by skipping class or running away; even when her classmates, including Ashton, tried to drag her out from her room. Although, she may have a weakness. When something happens that reminds of her past, she fell disorientated of having a mental breakdown by repeated saying “Im sorry for being existed” that she would gladly die for them. After that happened, she went back to her normal self and telling them to forget what she’ve said by reassuring that it was her acting skills. She has a hungry glutton for meat that she goes fully hyped of wanting to eat and with that kind of energy, she always get easily fooled by her friends pranks. Her insecurity of being small which made her very sensitive and everyone at college thinks she’s a kid or a freshman despite that she’s actually 2nd year. If anyone made fun of her height, they’ll feel her dark aura with a sarcastic smile to threat them by scratching their faces or bite their arms and legs off with her pointy buck tooth.

Likes: MEAT!!! ALL KINDS OF MEAT, desserts, peace, magic, animals, adventure, strolling/running around the campus, jokes, good grades, break, getting the work done, studying, friends and helping others

Dislikes: fish, calling short, get into fights, flying (especially with brooms and magic carpet), failing, teasing, her dorm mates, Leona, losing someone dear, mess, and evil magic

Favorite color: yellow, green, and blue

Hobbies: running, reading, sports, magic, cleaning, and parkour

Skills/Abilities: martial arts, potion making, levitation, acting, sense of hearing, casting spells, talking to animals, and speed

Backstory:

She was born and raised as a sweet girl and lived a happy life from an isolated house, far from town with her parents until her mother passed away since she was 5. Her mother’s death cause her to be depressed and downhearted for the pass few years. Both of them were poor and grew up in tough life where Taniya was doing the household chores all by herself while her father was busy his full-time work. Every children in town and school were afraid of her as they keep themselves away from Taniya because of her form and proves that she’s actually a lion which brings the children into thinking that lions are a vicious and dangerous animals. Even if she try being nice to the children by telling them that she won’t hurt them but they end up running to their parents then accused her for pretending to be nice, so she can lure them for being her food. The townspeople believes them and begins to be afraid of her so they treated Taniya and her dad like an outcast by throwing rocks at them and badmouthing them. They didn’t want her to be around the town so they told her that she doesn’t belong here and rather live in the outskirts and die. With that happened, they made her to become timorous and not wanting to make friends with anyone but instead, talking to animals from the woods. Everything that she’ve been through, Taniya grew tired, out of frustration and decided to take her own life from all the pain and torments that inflicts her. Out of anger, she accidentally uses her levitation spell on a boulder then crumbled into a million pieces, which shocked her. She asked her father about what happened though he knew and waited for it to happen. It reveals that her mother was one of the noble family that inherits special powers and her family has an outstanding social status throughout the region. On the other hand, her father and his family works as their servants. When two of them meet, they fell in love at first sight and they became very close, together for few months. The servant propose the noble daughter in marriage but both of their parents didn’t approve their relationship because of their social standards. So, her mother and father decided to run away from them and live their own happy life. Taniya didn’t know that her mother was a sorceress in the first place. Her father didn’t tell her that because they thought she doesn’t have powers for a long time so they decided to keep it a secret until the time comes but if her mother has powers then Taniya should have powers, too. After long years of practice, she was able to master some of her magic, however, it wasn’t enough for her. She told her father that she needed to get fresh air from practicing magic for almost everyday so she wanted to cool herself off. As she leaves her father and her home behind, Taniya decided that she could take a stroll to the woods; she walks further and further, deep in the woods without being mindful of her surroundings until she gotten herself lost. With fear and anxiety, she tried tracing her foot steps from where she went but unfortunately, she found nothing of her home or town except trees and night sky. She was beginning to lose hope until a mirror appeared infront of her. She wonders why would there be a mirror in the middle of the woods? could it be that someone left it here? if that what it is then shouldn’t be anyone here to take it back. She took a good look at the mirror to see a reflection of herself but as she moves closely, she was sucked inside the mirror and found herself in a different area that she’s not familiar with. Then a mysterious man with a black bird mask offers her a hand and by surprise, he tells her that she’ve been accepted to his college named “Night Raven College” and that’s where her college story begins.

Facts:

She’s anxious of making new friends and thinking that everyone aren’t interested of her

Everyone at night raven mistaken Taniya as 1st year of how short she is and doesn't like being called like that.

She works with Leona & Ruggie as their dorm assistant on helping out their CHAOTIC dormitory. If anything happens to her dorm mates, she would gladly helps them by talking about their problems (though they don’t want to talk but she persistently did) or drags them to the infirmary and treat them with aid. She doesn't mind helping the people she hate as long as preventing them from hurting others & themselves. When there's a fight going on, she rushes between the two or more oppressor to break off their feuds and scolds them for fighting without a reason. Her dorm mates finds her annoying and persistent for acting like a peacemaker but if it weren't for her, there wouldn't be a problem at their dorm.

She would do anything to avoid Ashton's class by making up lots of excuses or shut herself in her room until it ends even it means failing her grades.

Just like Ruggie's gluttton of food, her favorite is meat.

She doesn't like her dormitory because according to the tw anthology, every students are hot-headed and likes getting into fights just for being tough which makes it annoying and troublesome to deal with them over and over again but somehow, she's happy that she fits in with her dorm mates and getting to know everyone especially that everyone are furries (i forgot how to call it) just like her.

Taniya wasn't a fan of fish and never eats one. Although, she DID eat once but she finds it very weird for her taste buds including the rotten smell and because of that, she doesn’t want to step foot on Octavinelle dorm. (she doesn’t trust them because she smells fishy about Azul, Jade, Floyd, and the rest of their dorm mates.....I'm sorry but seriously, she doesn’t trust them)

She’s not interested about having a relationship (that’s a lie) and rather help them have confident of confessing their crushes but if any boy wants to win her heart, they need to do better than giving chocolates & flowers and saying sweet words or else she might deliberately friendzoning them because this feline won’t be easy to fall for. To her, she’s really clueless when it comes of being loved but even if she DOES like someone, she won’t admit to her friends/spouse that he’s not enough for her or act a bit classic tsundere (you baka! obviously it’s-)

What everyone didn’t know that she also have a dark side but she always keep her mental at state

#Taniya Kalisha #wow brain u really did a very long description #ta-nyah #give me more criticism pls #WARNING: BAD ENGRISH ARERT #twisted wonderland oc #twisted wonderland

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cashtonsangel · 6 years ago

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Missin’ You

Summary: With Calum being on tour, you had missed him so much.

Requested by @mysticalhood i hope you enjoy :)

Word Count: 4000+

Warnings: mention of a mental breakdown and some cursing

A/N: wow this is the longest thing i have ever written aside from some of my academic papers. im sorry this took so long but i got so distracted while writing this so :) i think i went a little overboard and got distracted writing the backstory so it’s kinda long, but i really hope that you enjoy!!

Calum had been on tour for the past month and a half, and it had taken such a toll on your daily life. The only contact that you had with him was through a small screen, but it was hard to find time between your schedule and his tour schedule, and that’s not even mentioning time zones. Even when the two of you finally found time in your busy schedules to call each other, it still wasn’t enough.

You had been in such a slump after about a month of his absence, finding little to no motivation to complete simple tasks since everything reminded you of your boyfriend. Every time you went to go walk Duke, you missed Calum’s voice gushing about all the other dogs that he passed by. Every time certain songs came on shuffle, you missed Calum’s singing and dancing. Every time you were in the kitchen making dinner, you missed Calum being next to you helping you cook. Every time you would sit and watch something on TV or Netflix, you missed Calum’s teasing and arguing. Every time you went to bed, you missed Calum’s cuddles and warmth. In short, you missed your boyfriend more than anything, but he was across the world pursuing his lifelong dream of spreading music, while you were stuck at home with your mundane life.

Today your loneliness struck particularly hard.

It was a rough day for you. This morning you woke up feeling off and just wanted to stay in bed and relish in the emptiness that had manifested throughout your body. But you knew you couldn’t since you had work and a ton of errands to complete in the afternoon that you couldn’t afford to miss. Throughout the day, your friends had noticed your foul mood and had been walking on eggshells the whole day which had pissed you off even more. As the day progressed, your mood only worsened. And by the time you had gotten back to your house, you were just one push away from a complete breakdown.

At this point, your body was on autopilot, going through the motions of life without much thought. Your legs were working on their own accord and had brought you to your closet where you changed out of your day clothes and into shorts and one of Calum’s old t-shirts. Calum’s clothes brought some semblance of comfort, and you needed as much comfort as you could possibly get tonight.

Sensing your obvious distress as soon as you walked through the door, Duke had been quietly following you, keeping an eye on you just in case you needed help. When he saw you getting into bed, Duke begged to be let up with you. Picking him up and placing him beside you, he found a comfortable spot before laying down, making sure that he was still within your arms reach.

Blankly staring at the ceiling, you felt tears building up in your eyes. It was days like these that made you feel so alone. Even though it was filled with everything you wanted, your place felt so empty and hollow with just you and Duke occupying it. There was a piece of your family missing, and he was thousands of miles away from you.

You felt the first tear escape as your thoughts continued to dwell on the fact that Calum was so far away when you needed him the most. You missed your boyfriend so much and you wished that he was he to tell you that it was all going to be okay. You wished that he was here to help you take the pain away.

Tears were streaming down your face, and you couldn’t stop them. Burying your face in your pillow to muffle your uncontrollable sobs, you cried out all of your emotions and frustrations.

Once the tears slowly eased up, all of the pent up emotions that you had held in for so long finally left your body as numbness to its place. Duke had curled up against your body at this point, showing you some much needed love.

Reaching out for your phone, you texted Calum to see if he was able to answer your facetime call. You desperately needed to see his face and hear his voice tonight before you were able to go to sleep.

A couple of minutes after you sent the text, your phone lit up with Calum’s contact picture. Immediately accepting his call, Calum’s face filled up the dark screen.

The way the camera was angled, Calum immediately noticed the way your eyes were glassy, red, and puffy and the constant sniffles that escaped your mouth. Immediately concerned, a frown appeared on his face.

“What’s wrong hun? Is everything okay? Are you safe?” Worry laced his voice as he slowly took in your emotional state.

“Bad day,” was all you needed to say.

“Aww, hun, I’m sorry. I wish I was there at home with you right now to help you take away the pain. You know it breaks my heart to see you cry.”

“ s’okay.”

A comfortable silence fell between the two of you as you took each other in. Calum looked good. Although there were slight bags under his eyes from lack of sleep, he looked happy to be on tour with some of his best friends and playing to so many crowds.

“Cal?”

“Yeah, hun?”

“Can you talk about something? Please. I-” your voice cracked, “I just need to hear your voice.”

Calum began update you on his life since the last the two of you were able to talk and talked about his plans for today. He retold some tour stories and about his adventures in the cities that he got to explore since they had the day off that day. He was excited to go to the pop-up store to meet some fans and play the show tonight since the crowd at this city was always so responsive and alive. You occasionally interrupted and gave your input, but other than that, it was mainly a one sided conversation.

He continued talking for about 20 minutes before Calum looked at the clock and cursed. He had to leave as soon as possible so he wouldn’t miss his call time.

“I love you, bubs, g’night,” your voice echoed in the empty bedroom as you said goodbye to Calum.

“I love you, hun. Sweet dreams,” blowing you one final kiss before your screen went dark, no longer displaying Calum’s face but rather your recently called list.

Your conversation with your boyfriend had calmed you down considerably, and you were thankful that you caught him when he was free, even though it was somewhat of a short conversation.

Placing your phone on the bedside table, you shifted your body until you were comfortable before you fell into a dreamless sleep.

Ending the call, Calum sighed. It hurt him so much to know that you were across the world, crying your eyes out, and he could barely do anything about it.

He wasn’t going to lie to himself, being on tour for so long and away from you had impacted him more than he would like to admit. He missed your voice. He missed your hugs. He missed your smile. He missed everything.

Although touring and press took up the majority of his time, You were almost always on his mind. He was always thinking about you wanting to know what you were up to and how your day has been.

The rest of the boys had seen how Calum wasn’t really acting like himself lately due to your long absence. They tried to help him get his mind off of it by taking him out, or making sure that he was never alone with his thoughts, but it wasn’t enough. Calum really appreciated the gesture, but nothing would ever get rid of the void in his heart.

He knew that it was hard for you to give up a part of your life to travel with them around the world. That it wasn’t fair for him to ask for you to put your life on hold so that you could watch him fulfill his dreams. No, that wouldn’t be fair to you.

But all he wanted was to have you at his side. He wanted to remove the thousands of miles of land and ocean that was between the two of you. He wanted you to come and see the world with him.

Shaking his head, he tried to get rid of the selfish thoughts as he left his hotel room to get to the location of the first interview of the day.

As he drove through the city, his mind couldn’t help but wander. He knew that you absolutely love traveling and exploring new places and he could practically hear your voice as he drove by all of the gorgeous buildings and landscapes.

He could imagine it right now. Whenever the band had a ounce of downtime, he could imagine the both of you walking up and down the streets exploring the local cafes and boutiques to get a feel of what the city was actually about. You would skip all of the overhyped tourist attractions and head straight for the local business since that’s where so much of the culture was located.

Calum was pulled out of his daydream by his driver announcing that they had arrived at the location.

Walking into the building, he was guided to the filming space where Michael, Luke, and Ashton were situated.

“Cutting it close, huh Calum,” Ashton teased his bandmate and best friend.

“Shut up,” Calum rolled his eyes, slightly flustered due to being late.

“What made you so late anyways? You’re normally pretty good at showing up on time.” There wasn’t any hostility to Ashton’s tone, just curiosity.

“Y/N had a rough night at home and called me. We were talking, and I completely lost track of time.”

All of the boys nodded at Calum’s answer. They all knew that being away from each other was taking a toll on you and Calum’s mental state, and couldn’t blame him for taking time to make sure that you were in the right headspace.

As Calum was getting settled, a young woman walked into the room and introduced herself and gave a quick rundown as to what was going to happen before quickly starting.

This process repeated a couple of times with a variety of different people and production crews. By the end of the multiple interview sessions, a few hours had already passed.

Throughout the interviews Calum stayed quiet. Although most of the time, he was pretty reserved, Michael, Ashton, and Luke could tell that Calum’s silence was different than normal. They all knew that his mind was thousands of miles away. They tried to alleviate some of the burden of answering questions for Calum by helping steer some of the questions away from Calum, only letting him to respond when it was completely necessary.

When the last interview was finally over and production had left the room, Calum rested his head in his hands and let out a deep sigh.

He could barely concentrate on the questions and comments that they were asking. He tried so hard to try and get you out of his head for just a couple of hours for the interviews, it was easier said than done.

The image of your red and swollen eyes and your tear stained face was burned into his memories. It broke his heart over and over again every time he closed his eyes.

A few tears of frustration slipped out of the corners of his eyes. All Calum had wanted was to make you happy, but he could barely do that thousands of miles away.

Sensing his best friend’s distress, Michael walked over to where Calum was sitting and tried to comfort his crying bandmate.

“It’ll be alright, man. Y/N is strong and so are you. Only a couple more weeks until you get to see her again.” Michael rubbed circles on Calum’s back.

“I know. It’s just hard.”

“You’ve got this, mate. You can do it,” Michael leaned back against the sofa, and Calum followed in suit and rested his head against Michael’s shoulder.

The two of them stayed like this for a while. Calum closed his eyes and thought of you. Calum associated you with happiness. Almost all of his memories of you were filled with joy and love, and he wanted to savor those moments right now to cheer himself up. In contrast, Michael was on his phone, a concentrated look on his face as he rapidly types on his phone, but careful not to disturb Calum.

Both lost in thought, Calum and Michael almost missed their cars since they didn’t hear Luke calling for them to leave the go to the venue.

Michael stood up and headed towards the exit.

helped Calum up and the duo headed to the cars out front, where Ashton and Luke were already seated in the cars.

“Feeling better, Cal?”

Calum only nodded and the both of them walked outside and into their respective cars.

You leg bounced out of nervousness as you stared at the map in front of you. Only an hour more on the plane before you land and finally see the man of your dreams after so long.

It had been such a last minute decision to take a break from work and fly out to where the boys were touring, but Michael had somehow managed to convince you to fly out to spend time with Calum.

He had texted you in the middle of the night 2 days ago telling you how much Calum had missed you and how much of a toll it had took on his mentality. Michael and the rest of the boys had wanted you to come out and bring back the Calum that was always smiling and cheery, the Calum that was always there to liven up the room.

You were reluctant at first, who wouldn’t have been. It wasn’t like you to drop and leave everything behind for a relationship. Not to mention how last minute and unplanned to trip would be but Michael, with the help of the other boys, had managed to change your mind.

You loved Calum with your whole heart. He was your everything. And when you heard that he wasn’t feeling like himself, your heart broke. He deserves all the happiness in the entire universe, and you would do almost anything to make sure that there was always a smile on his face. Michael, Ashton, and Luke were the final push that you needed to fly all the way out to see Calum.

“What are you nervous about sweetheart?” The lady that had sat next to you had woken up from her sleep and questioned your bouncing leg.

“I’m going to see my boyfriend.” You flashed her a small smile.

“Aw that’s so cute! But if you are going to see your boyfriend, why do you feel so nervous?”

“I don’t really know,” you sighed, “this isn’t like me to just drop everything and fly somewhere because I miss someone. I’m traveling across the world for him, and to me that’s insane.” As you spoke, a smile started to form on your face.

“If you are flying all the way out here on your own, you must really love him.”

“He is the love of my life, he makes me feel like the only person on the world when I am with him.” As you spoke, you couldn’t help but look at your phone’s lockscreen, which was one of the candid pictures that you took of him while he was laughing.

“Well, if he makes you feel like the luckiest person alive, then hold onto him, okay? He seems like a special one from the way you are speaking of him and the way your face lights up whenever you talk about him. Don’t let him slip away.”

“I won’t.”

The rest of your flight was spent talking to the woman seated next to you about various topics. And before you knew it, the plane was about to land.

Getting up from your seats, the both of you said your goodbyes and parted ways.

You followed the signs around the airport that led you to the luggage carousel. Quickly finding your luggage, you glanced around the room, looking for the person who was sent to pick you up. Michael had texted you when you landed at the airport, saying that they had sent a driver to come and get you since the boys were busy with an interview by the time that your flight landed.

The driver led you out to his car, packed your bags in the trunk, and then drove you to the hotel that the boys were going to stay at later that night. During the short trip to the hotel, you eyes were glued outside of the car window. All the buildings and architecture that you passed were so stunning and the environment was completely different than back home. You were trying to absorb every single detail about the city as you drove through the city.

As the car slowed down and pulled up to the curb of your hotel, everything started to feel a little bit more real for you. You were going to finally see you boyfriend after so long, and you couldn’t be more ecstatic.

Hopping out of the car with a bounce to your step, you thanked the driver and headed inside the hotel to check in and get settled before the show tonight. Taking a quick shower and nap to try and get rid of some of your jetlag, you prepared yourself for the long night ahead of you.

Your phone chimed after about 3 hours of being in your hotel room, indicating that you had a text message. Grabbing your phone, you saw that it was Ashton texting you what your room number was so that he could come and take you to the venue.

Texting him your floor and room number, you did some last minute touch ups before you heard Ashton at the door.

“Hey, Y/N.” The drummer pulled you into a quick hug before asking if you were ready to leave.

“Yeah, let’s go!” The enthusiasm in voice was not missed by Ashton.

“Ready to see lover boy, huh?”

“Shut up, Irwin. Let’s go.”

Shaking his head, he led you downstairs to the car, where the two of you chatted about the boys recent adventures and just catching you up on some of the stuff that you missed.

There was a brief pause in the conversation before Ashton spoke again.

“You know he really misses you. I’ve never seen him like this before.”

All you could do is smile at his words.

“Just don’t break his heart, okay? He’s my best friend, and I don’t want want to see him hurt. He really loves you.”

Ashton’s words warmed your heart. You were glad that Calum had such supportive and loving friends and family like Ashton.

“I don’t think I ever could, Ash. He means the world to me.”

Ashton flashed you one of his million dollar smiles before walking out of the car and towards the venue. You followed right behind him.

“Good because as much as I love you, Calum is my soulmate, and if you hurt him, I’d have to kill you.”

Laughing at his words, you nodded. “Deal.”

“Okay, I just texted Cal, they are all in the main green room. Let’s go.”

The both of you navigated the many halls and corridors until you could hear Luke’s laugh.

“I’ll go in first, don’t want to outshine you, Y/N,” Ashton teased.

“Fuck off, Ash.” You rolled your eyes and let him enter the door first. You heard the other boys greet him and before going back to whatever they were doing.

Taking a deep breath, you walked through the threshold, your eyes immediately scouring throughout the room to find your boyfriend. He was laying on one of the couches scrolling through his phone.

Walking towards his figure, Calum’s eyes caught movement out of the corner of his eyes, causing him to look up from his phone.

When his eyes reached your face, Calum immediately shot up and ran to you, enveloping your body in one of infamous hugs. His hands were wrapped around waist and his head rested on your shoulder.

“Y/N? What the fuck? What the fuck are you doing here? What the fuck?” He repeated the question over and over again; his tone indicating his enthusiasm and confusion.

Slightly pulling away, you responded with a big grin, “Hey handsome.”

Not liking the space that you had just created, Calum immediately pulled you closer and placed a kiss on your forehead before dragging you to the couch so that the both of you could sit down.

“What are you doing here, hun?”

“Am I not allowed to visit my boyfriend while he is on tour?”

Calum gave you a look.

You rolled your eyes, “I really missed you, so I took a couple of days off to come a visit. Not to mention that the boys practically forced me to fly out because they knew that we’re both miserable without each other.”

You a couple of coughs and a clearing of a throat as you finished your sentence. Looking over to the other side of the room, you saw Luke, Ashton, and Michael with the biggest smirks on their face. They looked at you and Cal expectantly, waiting for some type of thank you.

Calum rolled his eyes at his bandmates’ antics and thanked them.

“No problem, making dreams is what we do!” Luke responded in the most obnoxious way possible.

“Want to go somewhere more private, hun? So we don’t have a crowd spying on us the entire time?” Calum sent a glare over to the boys as he said that last sentence.

Standing up, Calum led to you to a different room adjacent to the one you were just in. Quickly closing the door, he pushed you up against the wall and placed his forehead on top of yours.

“I’m so glad you’re finally here, hun. It’s one of the best days of my life,” he whispered while staring into your eyes.

“Me too.”

“I can’t wait for our off day tomorrow! We can go exploring the city and do a bunch of dumb and fun stuff. Like I heard there is this really cool local pub down the street from our hotel, and I was going to drag one of the boys with me, but now that you’re here, I can take you.” Calum was beaming at this point.

You couldn't help but smile at his enthusiasm. “Anything you want, bubs.”

A comfortable silence fell between the two of you as you both enjoyed finally being in each other’s presence. Seeing Cal in person for the first time in so long had rejuvenated your heart and soul, and you couldn’t be happier now that you were in his arms.

The two of you sat there for some time to just catch up and talk to each other face to face. The room with warmth and love as the two of you spoke.

“Y/N, I know I’ve already said this, but I’m so glad that you are actually here on tour with me, even if it’s only for a couple of days. I love you more than anything, and I would give you everything if I could.”

The sincerity behind his words made you tear up. You loved him more than anything and were willing to give up everything you had to be with this man. He made you feel like you were on top of the world whenever you were with him. He made you feel like the only other person in the world in a room full of people whenever he looked at you. He made you feel like nothing else mattered when you were by his side. There weren’t enough words in the world to convey how much love you had for this man. He was your sunshine, and you couldn’t be any happier.

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malecsecretsanta · 6 years ago

Text

Merry Christmas, @magnusandalexander!

Read on AO3

*****

Nobody Knows Where They Might End Up

Chapter 1

“Each of you comes here today hopeful, wanting in on the game. A month ago, you were in med school, being taught by doctors. Today, you are the doctors. The 7 years you spend here as a surgical resident will be the best and worst of your life. You will be pushed to the breaking point. Look around you. Say hello to your competition. Eight of you will switch to an easier speciality. Five of you will crack under the pressure. Two of you will be asked to leave. This is your starting line. This is your arena. How well you play...that’s up to you.” -Richard Webber, Grey’s Anatomy S1E1

✦✧✦✧✦✧✦

The sound of a car horn wakes Alec from a particularly pleasant dream, and his eyes snap open. The first thing he registers- if the drool stain on the cushion beneath him is anything to go by- is the fact that he passed out face down on the couch. The second is his very noticeable lack of clothing and the pounding of his head. Both of these things are rather disconcerting, but it’s the third thing that really takes the gold medal.

On the floor beside the couch is another man, his also-naked body covered only by a thin blue blanket.

Alec is used to this, if he’s being honest. He’s not, however, used to being late to work because of it. A lot of the memories from the night before are somewhat blurry, but whatever they did must have been enough to really wear him out. His eyes sweep over the man for a moment, noting the seriously ripped muscles in his back and arms, and he lets out a quiet groan. A small part of him is desperate to slide onto the floor and go another round, but the clock is ticking and he really needs to get going.

He reaches down and pulls the blanket off the stranger, making a valiant effort not to look at his ass as he wraps it around his waist. Looking around frantically for a moment, he spots a throw pillow at the end of the couch and drops it on the man, covering him up once more. The man grunts and lifts his head, his eyes squinting as he takes in his surroundings. Alec takes the opportunity to step by him as he gathers his wits, heading toward the stairs.

“You have to go,” Alec says as he moves, not turning around to meet the man’s eyes.

“Or you could come back down here and we can pick up where we left off.” His voice is smooth and confident, somehow perfect after a night of drinking and his only being awake for 30 seconds.

It just isn’t fair.

“No, seriously,” Alec answers, finally turning around, “you have to go. I’m late, which isn’t something you want to be on your first day of work.”

“Oh,” he replies, his lips tilted up in amusement as he stands and pulls on his pants, which were discarded only a few feet away. He looks around the room as he tugs the zipper up, his eyebrows raised. “You actually live here?”

Alec pauses, his mind reeling. None of his other one night stands have ever tried to make small talk after he told them to leave, yet here this guy is, judging his- father’s- house. Alec doesn’t have any idea how to respond to it, or if he even should. All he does know is that every second he stands here talking to this unbelievably gorgeous man, the less chance he has of keeping the job that he just managed to get. A very good job, he might add.

“No,” he answers, then shakes his head. “Yes. Kind of.”

“It’s nice,” the man comments, his head tilting to the side as their eyes meet. “A little dusty and cluttered, but nice. How do you ‘kind of’ live here?”

Alec has to stop himself from gaping at the question. The answer to that has a lot more to it than what he is willing to share with some of hisfriends, not to mention someone he just met.

“I moved from Boston two weeks ago,” he answers cautiously. “It was my father’s house. I’m selling it.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“You said was your father’s house.”

“Oh,” Alec breathes out, shaking his head and waving the free hand that isn’t holding the blanket up. “My father isn’t dead. He’s- you know what? We don’t have to do this.”

The man smiles and grabs his shirt as he replies, “We can do anything you want.”

“No, I mean we don’t have to exchange life stories and pretend we care.”

This seems to amuse the man even more, and a beaming smile spreads across his face as he buttons up his shirt. Something inside Alec stalls at the sight, and a slow, honey-like feeling drips through his veins. He wants to stay there for a moment and just stare at the beauty in front of him, similar to how artists study and appreciate others’ paintings, but he’s done enough of that for one morning.

“Look,” he says, “I’m gonna go upstairs and take a shower, and when I’m done you won’t be here. So goodbye, uh…”

He has no idea what this guy’s name is. He has no idea why he wants to know.

“Magnus,” the man finishes for him, leaning in and offering his hand. Alec takes it, unable to hold back his own grin as Magnus continues to beam at him.

“Magnus,” he repeats, laughing breathily. “Right. Alec.”

“Nice to meet you, Alec,” Magnus says, smoothly hopping over the back of the couch so that they’re standing close.

Alec immediately backs up, his mind clear enough to know that he really has to move.

“Bye, Magnus.”

He turns and runs up the steps without looking back.

✦✧✦✧✦✧✦

Alec slips his stethoscope around his neck and smiles to himself, looking down at his light blue scrubs and long white coat. There were many long nights of binge studying and mental breakdowns that led to this moment, and now he knows that they were all worth it. His eyes travel around the room, taking in his new coworkers as an attending calls out names and assigns them all to a resident.

“Merryweather, Baygold, Ashton, Brownland!”

Interns stream out of the room, some of them wearing expressions of exaggerated confidence and others looking like they’re seconds away from peeing their pants. Alec never really had a clear picture in his head of what it would be like to finally get here, to be among so many others who want the exact same thing as him and face the possibility of not winning that competition, but the thought of it is enough to shoot adrenaline through his veins.

“Only 12 women out of 30,” someone mutters beside him, and he looks over to see a woman with dark skin and an abundance of curls.

Maia, if he’s remembering correctly. He met her briefly at the luncheon that was held for the incoming interns. It was clear after only minutes of speaking to her that she was going to be one of the best. He had vowed then and there that he was going to fight to be right up there beside her.

“Don’t worry,” Alec says, smiling wryly when she looks over at him. “Most of the guys will drop out of the program soon enough.”

He nods very unsubtly at Jace, who had hit on almost every single woman at the luncheon. Maia had turned him down so fast Alec wished he had caught it on video. Maia laughs, and Alec stands up from the bench in front of their lockers.

“You’re Maia, right?”

She nods and reaches back to tie her hair up.

“Which resident are you assigned to? I got Rey,” she says.

“The stick? Me too.”

He grimaces at the reminder. Lorenzo Rey is infamous for making his interns cry. It’s why he’s called the stick. Because of the stick up his ass. Of course, Alec’s not too worried about being yelled at; he got plenty of that from his father. But if there’s one thing he hates, it’s being treated like he’s incompetent.

“You got the stick?” another intern chimes in. “So did I. At least we’ll be tortured together. I’m Lewis. Simon Lewis. We met at the luncheon.”

Simon turns his attention to Maia, his eyes glazing over slightly as he looks at her. Alec holds back a smirk. He vaguely remembers him. He was the one who tripped over one of the tables and knocked at least 5 plates onto the floor.

“You had on a black dress with a slit up the side, strappy sandals, and…” He takes in the expressions on both Alec’s and Maia’s faces and trails off. “You were just very unforgettable.”

Maia just smiles in amusement as he stammers on, and Alec coughs to cover up a laugh.

“Lewis, Roberts, Lightwood, Fray!”

They all rush over to the locker room entrance, and the attending points down the hall. Rey is standing at the nurse’s station, talking to another resident and smiling. His long black hair is pulled back in a ponytail, and he looks almost...harmless.

“That’s the stick?” Maia asks, shock coating her voice.

“He doesn’t look like an asshole,” Simon whispers as they walk toward him.

“Maybe it’s professional jealousy,” the other woman in their group chimes in. “Maybe he’s brilliant, and they call him the stick because they’re jealous. Maybe he’s nice.”

Alec eyes her dubiously, noting her short height and fiery red hair. He doesn’t remember seeing her at the luncheon, but then again, he doesn’t spend a lot of his time looking at women in general. They reach the nurses’ station and Clary approaches Rey immediately, holding out her hand as he turns to her.

“Hi, I’m Clarissa Fray, but everyone calls me Clary.”

His eyes drop to her hand and stay there until she lets it fall back to her side, then he speaks.

“I have five rules, memorize them,” he says without preamble. “Rule number one, don’t bother sucking up to me. I already hate you. That’s not going to change.”

He turns back to the station and gestures at the pile of supplies that sit on the counter beside him. Alec stands up straighter, clutching his hands behind his back as he listens closely. He has a feeling they’re going to hit the ground running, and he wants to be prepared.

“Trauma protocol and phone lists,” he says, then steps away from the station, heading down the hallway as he continues. “Nurses will page your phones, so I hope they are charged and ready to go. You will answer every page at a run– a run– that’s rule number two.”

Each of them quickly pick up their supplies and follow after him, running to catch up.

“You’re interns, nobodies, bottom of the surgical food chain. You run labs, do charts, and don’t complain.”

Alec and Maia share a look as they turn down yet another hallway. Alec is one hundred percent sure he is going to get lost a lot before he figures this place out, if the stick doesn’t kill him first.

“On-call rooms,” he says, throwing open a door and allowing them to peer inside. Three sets of bunk beds fill the room, but it is bland otherwise, only a standard picture of the New York skyline livening up the white walls. “Attendings hog them. Sleep when you can, where you can. Which brings me to rule number three. If I’m sleeping, don’t wake me unless your patient is actually dying.”

Well damn.

“Rule number four, the dying patient better not be dead when I get there. Not only will you have killed someone, you will have woke me for no good reason. Are we clear?��

They all stare at him incredulously, but he doesn’t seem to notice. Or he just doesn’t care. Alec wouldn’t be surprised either way. He raises his hand cautiously, and Lorenzo meets his eyes.

“Yes?”

Alec hesitates for a moment, then says, “You said five rules. That was only four.”

Everyone is silent as Rey stares him down with a deadpan expression, and it is only the chime of his phone that breaks the tension. He looks at the page, then shoves his phone back into his pocket.

“Rule number five,” he says, pushing through them. “When I move, you move.”

He darts down the hallway, yelling, “Get out of my way!” to the people in front of him as he goes. The interns run after him without a second thought.

✦✧✦✧✦✧✦

They end up on the hospital’s helipad, eyes closing and arms holding onto the edges of their white coats as they are blasted with air. The helicopter quickly touches down, and they approach as the doors slide open to reveal first responders wheeling out a seizing patient. Alec pauses for a moment, his heart jumping. This girl can’t be any older than Max.

“What do we got?” Rey yells over the loud whir of the helicopter’s blades.

“Maureen Brown, 15-year-old female, new onset seizures, intermittent for the past week. Her I.V. fell out en route. She started seizing as we descended.”

“Alright, let’s go!” Rey begins wheeling her to the elevator, and they all follow behind, hearts racing. “Lightwood, get her on her side and keep her there.”

Alec holds her in place, unsure if his hands are shaking because of her seizure or his own nerves. The elevator doors close behind them after they all file into the elevator, and as they start going down, Simon whispers.

“I know her.”

Alec looks over at him, eyebrows scrunching together. “What?”

Everybody in the elevator is staring at Simon now, waiting for him to elaborate.

“She’s my mom’s best friend’s daughter. Where are her parents?”

Rey watches him closely for a moment, then shakes his head. “I’m sure they’re on their way, but you’re off this case.”

“What? She’s not family. I’m fine.”

“I don’t need any arguments, Lewis. You look like you’re about to be sick. Go find Dr. Santiago. I’m sure he could use some help.”

The elevator doors open and Rey wastes no time in speeding out, leaving Simon gawking behind him. Alec focuses all of his energy on not tripping as they go, still holding the girl on her side. They wheel her into a room and lift her onto a bed. Nurses hover on the sidelines, ready with medication.

“Fray, give her 10 milligrams of Diazepam I.M.”

Rey continues giving orders as the interns scramble, and relief washes over Alec as the girl finally stops seizing. He slowly rolls her onto her back and clutches the bed rails as he waits for more instructions.

An attending enters the room then, immediately taking the chart from Rey’s hands. Alec can’t wait for the day he has that kind of unquestioned respect.

“Alright,” she says, “let’s shotgun her.”

“That means every test in the book,” Rey clarifies. “Roberts, you’re on labs. Fray, patient work-ups. Lightwood, bring Maureen for a C.T. She’s your responsibility now.”

Rey turns without another word and leaves the room, pulling his gloves off as he goes.

✦✧✦✧✦✧✦

“Labs are clear. C.T. is clean. What the hell is going on with this girl,” Alec mutters under his breath as he wheels her back into her room.

He’s barely hooked her back up to the heart monitor before two people– Alec assumes they’re the parents– rush in, panicked expressions on their faces. “Maureen, honey, we’re here.”

“They gave her a sedative for the C.T. scan,” Alec says before they panic about her lack of response. “She’s still a bit groggy.”

“Will she be alright?” her mother asks, turning to him with wide eyes.

“Our doctor at home said that she might need an operation. Is that true?” her father asks immediately after.

“What kind of operation?”

Alec holds up a hand, shaking his head. “She’s, uh- you know what? Let me go get my attending. You’ll want to speak to him.”

They both nod, worry still clear in their expressions, as Alec backs out of the room. He begins searching for Rey immediately, feeling totally out of depth. Minutes pass and he grows more and more panicked, until he accidentally bumps into Rey as he rushes through another door.

“Sorry,” he breathes out, but Rey just gives him a deadpan expression. “Maureen’s parents have questions. Do you talk to them, or do I ask that attending from earlier?”

“No, Dr. Loss is off the case. Maureen belongs to the Neuro attending now, Dr. Bane. He’s over there.” He points across the room before pushing past Alec, disappearing down the hallway.

Alec sighs, holding onto the door handle for a moment. He’s barely been here for a couple hours, and already he feels like he’s failing. He’s sure it’s not an uncommon feeling, that the rest of the interns feel the same, but he’s supposed to be better. He can picture the expression on his father’s face if he could see him now.

Shaking his head, he looks over at where Rey pointed, searching for his attending.

His heart stops.

Because there, only a few feet away, is the man he slept with last night and made small talk with this morning. Except now he’s in dark blue scrubs and a white coat, and he has a stethoscope around his neck, and he’s holding a chart, and he’s smiling as he talks to other doctors, and Alec.Can’t. Breathe.

He’s about to disappear back through the door, leave the hospital, and never return, but then Magnus– Dr. Bane – looks up and meets his eyes.

Fuck.

He rushes back through the door anyway, trying to get as far away as possible. He slept with his boss. He slept with his boss. He’s going to be fired. No one will ever take him seriously again. He might as well just quit now.

“Alec,” a voice calls after him. He walks faster, desperate to escape, but a hand clutches his arm and pulls him to a stop. “Can I talk to you for a second?”

Before he can protest, he is dragged into the nearest stairwell.

“Dr. Bane,” he says as they finally stop. They are standing only a few inches apart, and he takes a step back onto one of the stairs. He is much too attracted to those warm brown eyes.

“Dr. Bane? This morning it was Magnus.”

“Dr. Bane,” Alec persists, “we should pretend it never happened.”

“What never happened-” Magnus asks, his lips tilting up in an amused grin, “you sleeping with me last night, or you throwing me out this morning? Because both are fond memories I’d like to hold onto.”

Magnus’ eyes are lit up with mischief as he shifts closer, his shoulders swaying. His fingers fiddle with his ear cuff, and Alec’s eyes catch on it for a moment. He wonders if he had it on this morning, but then again, he doubts he’d have missed it. It gleams in the bright hospital lights, but it’s nothing compared to the brightness of Magnus’ smile.

He closes his eyes for a moment and takes a deep breath, then shoots a glare at his boss.

“There will be no memories. We’re not two random guys in a bar anymore. Clearly things are different now.”

Magnus hums, his grin not wavering even for a second as he replies, “You took advantage of me, and now you want to forget about it.”

“I did not take-”

“I was drunk, vulnerable, and good-looking, and you took advantage.”

“Okay, we were both drunk,” Alec defends, unable to hold back his own smile as Magnus continues beaming at him, “and you are not that good-looking.”

It’s a lie. Alec has never seen someone as beautiful as him.

“Maybe not today,” Magnus responds, scrunching his nose. “You did kick me out of your house before I could even use the bathroom. Last night, though, I was very good-looking. I wore my purple shirt. You took advantage.”

“I did not take advantage!”

Magnus suddenly moves even closer, so that Alec can see the smudge of last night’s eyeliner and the almost-covered up dark circles under his eyes, as he says, “Want to take advantage again– say, Friday night?”

Alec’s gaze falls to his lips without thought, entranced by their sincere smile and slight pink tint from whatever chapstick he uses. It smells like pineapple.

“No,” he responds a beat too late, his voice nowhere near as resolute as he means it to be. “You’re an attending, and I’m an intern...stop looking at me like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like you’ve seen me naked!”

The skin around Magnus’ eyes crinkles as he lets out a quiet laugh, and Alec rolls his eyes, irritatingly charmed.

“Dr. Bane, this is inappropriate. Has that ever occurred to you?” Alec steps around Magnus and exits the stairwell before he can respond, his heart hammering in his chest as he moves down the hallway back toward Maureen’s room.

✦✧✦✧✦✧✦

“They’re calling me 007, aren’t they?”

Alec bangs his head against the wall and closes his eyes, two seconds away from strangling Simon to death so he can’t ask that question one more time. Apparently there’s a tradition every year that involves one intern performing an appendectomy, and Dr. Santiago chose Simon. Of course, the entire thing is a set up, a way to set an example for overconfident interns. All it does, though, is make one intern the laughing stock while the others delude themselves into thinking they’d do any better.

“No one is calling you 007,” Alec, Maia, and Clary all answer simultaneously, their voices monotone.

Except everyone is calling him 007.

“I was on the elevator and Herondale whispered 007,” he insists, and Alec lets out a harsh sigh.

“How many times do we have to go over this, Simon?”

“Herondale whispered 007 and everyone laughed!”

Clary lifts her arms above her head, stretching as she says, “He wasn’t talking about you.”

“Are you sure?” Simon’s eyes fall on Maia, and Alec looks up at the ceiling. He can’t deal with any more forbidden love stories today. He has enough going on in his own mind.

“007 is a state of mind. If you let it get to you, then you’re basically proving them right. Just ignore them and keep your head down,” Maia says, blowing a stray hair out of her eyes.

This seems to shut Simon up. Alec shoots Maia a grateful look, and she smirks back at him. The silence doesn’t last long enough, though.

“So, is your father really Robert Lightwood?” Simon asks.

Alec tenses, his hands gripping the edge of the bed he’s sitting on. They’re all gathered in the basement, taking a short break in between responsibilities– and in Alec’s case, avoiding Magnus at all costs.

“Yes.”

He is not in the mood to hear them all praise his father and discuss how great of a surgeon he is. They don’t know the half of it. Luckily, just as Simon opens his mouth to say something else, Alec’s pager goes off.

“Oh god,” he breathes out, standing up from the bed. “It’s 911 for Maureen Brown. I need to go.”

He rushes for the stairs, but just before he’s out of earshot, he hears his coworkers speak.

“He doesn’t even care that his dad is a legend.”

“I would kill to have Robert Lightwood as a father.”

✦✧✦✧✦✧✦

“She’s having multiple grand mal seizures,” a nurse says as Alec rushes into the room. “How do you want to proceed?”

His feet stumble to a stop and he stares for a moment as Maureen trembles. The world seems to blur as panic sets in, and he can’t make himself move. The nurses stare at him with angry expressions, their mouths open as the speak, but he can’t hear them. He’s in over his head.

“Dr. Lightwood!”

He shakes his head and steps forward, forcing himself to focus.

“She’s got diazepam and 2 milligrams of lorazepam. You need to tell us what you want to do now.”

Alec takes a deep breath and picks up the chart, squeezing it to stop his hands from shaking.

“Page Dr. Rey and Dr. Bane.”

“We just did.”

“Give her phenobarbital,” he orders, his voice cracking.

“No change.”

He looks up at the heart monitor just as it flatlines, and he feels like his own is stopping as well. Gulping in a terrified breath, he pushes past a couple of nurses, immediately starting chest compressions.

“Get the crash cart!” The nurses roll the defibrillator into the room and Alec grabs the paddles. “Charge to 200. Clear.”

Her body bows as the shock runs through her.

Nothing.

“Charge to 300. Clear.”

Nothing .

“Charge to 360. Clear.”

The monitor beeps, and Alec nearly collapses with relief as it shows sinus rhythm.

“Pressure’s coming back up,” a nurse says, and Alec nods.

He places the paddles back on the crash cart as Magnus runs in, pressing a hand to his chest to catch his breath.

“What the hell happened?” Magnus asks, looking up at the monitor.

“She had a seizure-” Alec starts, but Magnus interrupts him.

“A seizure? You were supposed to be watching her.” He pushes past Alec and pulls his stethoscope from his neck to listen to her heart.

“I checked on her, and-”

“I got her,” Magnus interrupts again, holding up a hand. “Just go.”

Alec stands there for a moment, watching in disbelief as Magnus completely ignores him, then turns and walks from the room. Once again he can’t seem to find any sharp edges in his surroundings, walls and people and voices blending together into a nonsensical blur. He moves toward the exit, ignoring the call of his name as he stumbles outside. It’s raining, but the sudden nausea in his throat pulls him out into the storm, and he doubles over as he throws up.

“Alec?” Maia’s voice sounds from behind him as he plants his hand on a tree and leans on it for support. He shakes his head, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, and turns back around.

“If you tell anyone, I swear,” he threatens, but it holds no real malice.

He moves back into the building without meeting her eyes.

To Be Continued...

#magnusandalexander #malecsanta18 #*fics18 #*gifts18

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atomotus · 6 years ago

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STUDY : ASHTON FOWLER tagged by @fentasm

— BASICS.

▸ IS YOUR MUSE TALL / SHORT / AVERAGE? fairly tall ! ashton is 5′11′’.

▸ ARE THEY OKAY WITH THEIR HEIGHT? he’s really comfortable with his height, actually. it’s a stereotype that all trans men are short, and he definitely defies that.

▸ WHAT’S THEIR HAIR LIKE? brown and wavy, medium length. although soft to the touch, his hair is a bit thick, allowing him to actually style it the way he wants.

▸ DO THEY SPEND A LOT OF TIME ON THEIR HAIR / GROOMING? absolutely. he spends a lot more time on it than he should, really. sometimes you’ll catch him in front of the mirror for a solid five to ten minutes to ensure his hair is looking good. it’s ironic, really, considering how easily it gets messed up during the day ! but that’s only fuel for him to check it and fix it in another mirror later on.

▸ DOES YOUR MUSE CARE ABOUT THEIR APPEARANCE / WHAT OTHERS THINK? ashton’s appearance is incredibly important to him - from his sense of fashion to his hair down to the way he carries himself. all around, his appearance is how he presents and expresses himself, which is particularly important to him due to his trans identity ! on another note, although ashton is fairly confident with himself, he seeks approval from others. his public image, both for himself and for blue boy, is incredibly important to him. it’s ashton’s support, while it’s blue boy’s backbone.

— PREFERENCES.

▸ INDOORS OR OUTDOORS? outdoors. ▸ RAIN OR SUNSHINE? sunshine. ▸ FOREST OR BEACH? beach. ▸ PRECIOUS METALS OR GEMS? precious metals. ▸ FLOWERS OR PERFUMES? flowers. ▸ PERSONALITY OR APPEARANCE? personality. ▸ BEING ALONE OR BEING IN A CROWD? being in a crowd. ▸ ORDER OR ANARCHY? anarchy. he’s incredibly rebellious. ▸ PAINFUL TRUTHS OR WHITE LIES? white lies. he’s notorious for that. ▸ SCIENCE OR MAGIC? science - he’s learned that superheroes with ‘ magic ‘ often have their powers rooted in science, including his own. ▸ PEACE OR CONFLICT? conflict. as much as he wants peace to exist, he’s an adrenaline junkie fueled by the vigilante lifestyle. ▸ NIGHT OR DAY? day. ▸ DUSK OR DAWN? dawn. ▸ WARMTH OR COLD? warmth. ▸ MANY ACQUAINTANCES OR A FEW CLOSE FRIENDS? many acquaintances. while he cherishes his close friends dearly, he loves meeting people and having connections. ▸ READING OR PLAYING A GAME? playing a game.

— QUESTIONNAIRE.

▸ WHAT ARE SOME OF YOUR MUSE’S BAD HABITS? ashton is notorious for his impulsiveness. he’s reckless and impatient on the battlefield. while he’s started to at least get a bit better with this as he’s matured, those are his worst traits. when he’s working in a team, he has a bad habit of running off to handle things the way he wants to, even if it’s not what the team agreed to. he believes that his way is going to be the right way - as if no one really knows how capable he is. so yes, you can also consider his cockiness one of his bad habits ! ashton also has trouble controlling his quick-temper at times, and he has a bad habit of leaving in the middle of a verbal fight after he’s said he’s piece. he wants to leave at a moment where he can feel that the other is in the wrong, and then, because he hates confrontation, he takes forever to come back and make things right.

▸ HAS YOUR MUSE LOST ANYONE CLOSE TO THEM? HOW HAS IT AFFECTED THEM? at this point, ashton hasn’t really lost anyone close to him. although he’s matured a bit as a hero, he’s still a young hero and hasn’t really had to experience that grief yet. the first time he loses one of his team members, he’s going to be devastated and may reevaluate why he’s even bothering to be blue boy in the first place. on another note, ashton is one of the few people who lives through the inf.inity wa.r, and that takes a massive toll on him. tony recruited ashton to help fight alongside the avengers because he believed ashton’s telekinesis is strong enough to help defeat thanos - and it could, yet ashton made mistakes and he had to pay for that with losing so many people he cared about. he really struggles to come to terms with what happened and continually trains himself, thinking that if he can make himself stronger, he’ll be able to defeat thanos when he returns - and that return is something that plagues his nightmares.

▸ WHAT ARE SOME FOND MEMORIES YOUR MUSE HAS? ashton really enjoyed his childhood, so many of his memories are from that ! he was close with his older brother and parents, and because his family was fairly wealthy, he has many memories of fantastic family vacations. aside from that, he vividly remembers the first time he played with his band the golden flight and cherishes getting into college, making friends, and starting his career.

▸ IS IT EASY FOR YOUR MUSE TO KILL? absolutely not. ashton has a no-kill-unless-necessary policy, and even then, it’s practically a no-kill policy. he’s young. he’s in the hero work because he has a good heart - he’s not chasing revenge or running from something in the past. because of that, killing is incredibly difficult and it’s something he wants to avoid at all costs. he can’t mentally take it, for he does not want to bear that burden for the rest of his life and he knows how telekinetics are already portrayed in horror movies - he doesn’t want that to become how people think of him.

▸ WHAT’S IT LIKE WHEN YOUR MUSE BREAKS DOWN? explosive. ashton has an incredibly short-temper, so if he’s breaking down in anger, he becomes very verbal and often says things he’d never say otherwise. his powers have the possibility to act up whenever his emotions are unbalanced, yet his telekinesis truly goes rouge when he’s having an emotional breakdown of painful distress. he screams, he cries - he’s dramatic, although he doesn’t mean to be. in true distress, he often accidentally unlocks new potential for his strong powers.

▸ IS YOUR MUSE CAPABLE OF TRUSTING SOMEONE WITH THEIR LIFE? yes, he is. people trust him with their lives all the time. it relates back to something elast.igirl says when evelyn says they don’t even know each other - ‘ but you can count on me anyway. ‘ although it’s difficult for him to trust civilians with his life, there are heroes who he knows will save him, and he has other loved ones who he knows will do the same.

▸ WHAT’S YOUR MUSE LIKE WHEN THEY’RE IN LOVE? he doesn’t hide it. he’s often flirtatious and just wants to touch the one he cares about - hand touches, cheek kisses, holding their shoulders. he’s obsessed with the one he loves and always wants to talk to them, especially texting them or sending them pictures when they’re apart. he enjoys doing special things for them, going on little dates, and overall just wants to make sure his loved one is both happy and safe - so you can imagine he gets protective over them, especially when his hero identity will likely put them at risk !

TAGGING: @itsybitsyparker @starslung @boybcnd @hcpefell @suicidcblonde

#i loved this thank u !!!!!!!1 #long post #✧ | THERE'S SOMEPLACE THAT HE'D RATHER BE (stats)

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mermaidsirennikita · 6 years ago

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July 2018 Book Roundup

This was a bit of a slump month for me in terms of reading. But wait! I read so many books! Yeah, but I savored very few of them. Some were mediocre, and several were bad. Very bad. Standouts included Riley Sager’s “spooky summer camp reinvented” thriller The Last Time I Lied and the very satisfying conclusion to Kiersten White’s super underrated Conqueror’s Saga, Bright We Burn. You win some months and lose some months--I hope the next one is better.

My Plain Jane by Cynthia Hand, Jodi Meadows, and Brodi Ashton. 2/5. A retelling of Jane Eyre, My Plain Jane sees Charlotte Bronte and Jane Eyre as friends at Lowood together, with Jane able to see ghosts and Charlotte desperate to get to the bottom of her secrets. As Jane takes a job at Thornfield Hall, she is pursued by Charlotte and intrepid paranormal investigator Alexander, in a tale full of ghosts, secret wives, and romance. I... really don’t want to say I hate this because it had its funny, cute moments that remind me of My Lady Jane, but... I kind of hated it? It’s partially my own fault, really, because the book was exactly what it described itself to be. But what worked when twisting history--My Lady Jane focused on Jane Grey--just doesn’t work when retelling a popular book. Charlotte was quirky girl’d to the point of being twee; she also seemed into Jane Austen, which bugged me because she wasn’t. And much of Jane’s side of things seemed like condescending fix it fic, in a way. Don’t you know that Jane only falls for Rochester because she’s a romantic young woman with no life experience (and an obsessed with Mr. Darcy because I guess)???? Maybe I just like the real Jane Eyre too much. Either way, I’m still going to read the next Jane book, but cannot recommend this one.

The Last Time I Lied by Riley Sager. 5/5. Fifteen years ago, Emma Davis was the last person to see Vivian, Allison, and Natalie before they disappeared from Camp Nightingale--and the world--forever. She accused a boy she liked of doing something terrible; and she vanished into obscurity, reinventing herself as an up and coming artist. But she can’t seem to stop painting the girls, even as she covered them up afterwards. Upon the prompting of the camp’s owner--and dogged by guilt--Emma returns to teach at the reopened Camp Nightingale, given three new girls to mentor. Yet she still can’t seem to stop seeing the girls--especially the entrancing, manipulative Vivian. Riley Sager does something with his books that make me really happy: he keeps on taking a classic teen slasher trope and making a whole book about it. I loved the sexy-teens-in-a-cabin angle of Final Girls--and this book takes on the whole creepy camp thing, complete with a spooky lake and campfire legends. He also throws in--for good measure--toxic, intoxicating girl relationships! Because yes, Emma had a crush on a boy, but her world was really dominated by Vivian. At one point, I thought that this book would be a 4 out of 5 because as much as I love the tone and atmosphere and the overall story, I wasn’t a big fan of how Emma’s hallucinations worked and the ending seemed rather predictable. But that wasn’t the REAL ending. And the real ending? Just... yes. The present storyline in this book is good, but the past--mostly Vivian, let’s be real, that’s a girl after my own heart--is fantastic.

Bring Me Back by B.A. Paris. 1/5. While stopped at a gas station with her boyfriend FInn, Layla goes missing. Twelve years later--after enduring a period as the prime suspect in Layla’s murder, despite the fact that her body was never found--Finn is engaged to Layla’s sister Ellen. Out of nowhere, little signs begin appearing that lead Finn to wonder... could Layla still be out there? WHAT A DUMB BOOK. I didn’t realize that I’d read one of Paris’s books, the super underwhelming The Breakdown. If I had, I wouldn’t have tried it. God, this was fucking stupid. Literally every twist you would think of, every basic “surprise” is here. And then one that is so--but the real issue is Finn. I don’t take issue with flawed protagonists, but Finn was more than flawed. He was creepy (fine in certain cases) and stupid (never fine). And for that matter, everyone else was so one-dimensional that it was impossible to sweep aside his shortcomings. I skimmed this after a point, and I’m glad I didn’t waste any more time on it.

The List by Joanna Bolouri. 1/5. IT GOT WORSE!!! I won’t bother with a summary, because this is actually pretty fucking simple: a year (!!!!) after her ex cheated on her, thirty-year-old Phoebe still isn’t over it. In an effort to revitalize her sex life, she makes a list of sexual experiences she hasn’t tried and wants to, and sets off to check them off with her best guy friend, Oliver. Okay, admittedly, I should have known that this would be a diary book, which is a style I usually don’t like (with some notable exceptions). Phoebe has the most annoying voice I have ever read. It’s as if the author wants to mimic Bridget Jones, but doesn’t understand why people like Bridget and why she came off more as hapless but amusing, instead of just... a moron. Phoebe is a FUCKING MORON. She hates her job, she uses cutesy slang words (like, my least favorite cutesy slang words from the U.K.) and describes sex acts in the least appealing way possible. But it’s not as if the author wants the sex to feel real, because aside from a few mishaps, Phoebe overall has great sexual experiences, even when you imagine that if this is the first time she’s doing them, it’d probably be more awkward. Like... we’re supposed to buy that Phoebe LOOOOOVES anal after the first time she’s tried it, but she describes it as feeling like “she’s going to the bathroom, but good” basically. HOT STUFF. And she’s just a dipshit in general. She and all of her friends are. I knew this was definitely going to be 1/5 after Oliver made a joke about stereotypical “Native American” names (a joke that is somehow worse knowing that an author from the U.K. wrote it) but even before then, Phoebe is talking about her lack of sexual satisfaction with her friends all of whom are in their thirties and one of them... is like... humping a couch? I don’t know why authors who write “sexual” books think that this is normal behavior. I am in my 20s; I’ve been in weird situations; I know a lot of weird people. Never has some dry-humped a couch in front of me... as a joke.... or in general. Wow. Stupid.

Choose Your Own Disaster by Dana Schwartz. 3/5. Dana Schwartz’s memoir--detailing her struggles with eating disorders, mental illness in general, romantic travails, and finding herself as a millennial--is laid out in the style of a choose your own adventure novel. While it’s certainly well-written and takes advantage of its gimmick, I can’t say this was as enjoyable as My Lady’s Choosing. Obviously, they’re totally different genres, but... I don’t know. This wasn’t a fun read to me, even though I think it was important. Some parts hit too close to home, which isn’t Schwartz’s fault, while other parts seemed overwritten, which is. A mixed bag.

The Silent Companions by Laura Purcell. 4/5. Shortly after marrying the wealthy and handsome Rupert, Elsie finds herself widowed and pregnant, sent away to the Bainbridge family’s country estate to wait for her baby to be born. She’s met with eerie villagers and angry servants, as well as Rupert’s awkward cousin, Sarah. All of that, however, she could deal with--what’s more unsettling are the violent events that begin occurring in the house, and strange painted “silent companions” that seem to pop up everywhere, their eyes appearing to follow Elsie around. Perhaps most disturbing of all is the diary Sarah finds, detailing the story of Rupert’s ancestress, Anne Bainbridge--and her mute daughter Hetta... This kicked off with a slow start; I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to get through it. But about 50 pages in, things PICK UP. Especially when we get into Anne’s diary, which is where some of the really creepy stuff takes place. It’s a spooky, unsettling story that feels like it’s of another time. If you’re a fan of “The Others”--which I am--I’d highly recommend the novel.

Bright We Burn by Kiersten White. 4/5. The final book in The Conqueror’s Saga sees Radu finally forced to make a choice for his future, as Lada’s conflict with him and Mehmed--and all of her enemies, really--finally comes to a head. I can’t say much more than that, because... final book in the series, and all. I really can’t recommend this trilogy enough. Yes, a gender-flipped Vlad the Impaler story sounds weird. But Lada is a great character you so rarely see in YA--a truly horrible female lead. She’s awful. Not a monster, but not really redeemable either, especially after this installment. And I wouldn’t even say that Lada is the most complex character in the series--that goes to Radu, her brother who is a) gay b) a Muslim convert and c) in love with Mehmed, their childhood friend who is in love with Lada, who kind of loves Mehmed but kind of hates him because he’s about as horrible a she is. I loved this poisonous triangle of scheming and bad people--Radu is significantly less horrible than Lada and Mehmed, but has his moments--and the world and the supporting characters, and the only reason this book didn’t a full 5/5 is because I think there needed to be more. The conflict of the trio really petered out a bit for me, and it came down to Lada and Radu. And I love Lada and Radu, but Mehmed was the kind of antagonist that got their asses in gear, and the book needed that extra kick. Overall, however, this was a great conclusion--super satisfying, and quite bloody.

An American Marriage by Tayari Jones. 4/5. Celestial and Roy are upwardly mobile Atlanta residents--she a rising artist, he a young executive--and just over a year into their marriage when Roy is arrested for a crime he didn’t commit. Sentenced to twelve years in prison, Roy writes to Celestial as their marriage gradually disintegrates. When he’s exonerated and freed five years into his sentence, he returns to her. But Celestial has built up a relationship with Andre, her childhood friend and the best man at her and Roy’s wedding. The question isn’t just one of who Celestial belongs with--and whether she belongs with anyone--but of whether or not she and Roy ever would have worked out in the first place? This is a DEEP literary book, y’all. Not light reading. And I can’t say it was super enjoyable? I mean, this is one of those harshly realistic, love isn’t enough tearjerkers. But it was very well-written, and it examined themes and questions that I don’t think you’d necessarily expect from such a relatively simple premise. Of course, much of the novel does revolve around being a black man (or woman) in 21st century America--so I can’t critique that aspect. The only thing I really can say as a criticism is that the older characters in the novel--Celestial and Roy’s parents, primarily--do essentially repeat themselves a good bit. And again, I can’t say that I like everything every character did or said--but every action came from a very real place. It’s a harsh one.

Give Me Your Hand by Megan Abbott. 3/5. Kit is an ambitious scientist, hoping to gain a spot on a PMDD-related study led by her idol. She’s the only woman in the running, and considered a shoo-in the the “woman spot”--until Diane shows up. Diane and Kit knew each other when they were younger; and Diane told Kit a secret that derailed both of their lives. With the weight of Diane’s secret on her mind, Kit begins to slowly unravel, questioning how she should handle a secret that has gone from being another person’s problem, to hers as well. I’m not one of those people scared off by Abbott’s squicky, literary style of telling domestic thriller stories. I’m used to her obsession with the female body and feminine mysteries in general. I’m not sure why this one didn’t click with me. The writing was still there, and on paper the story is something I should have liked--so I’m saying it’s me, not her. It may be that the books of Abbott’s I’ve really liked have dealt more with the truly domestic sphere or something more mundane and universal than scientific studies? I just wasn’t attached to this story or the characters.

The Death of Mrs. Westaway by Ruth Ware. 3/5. Down on her luck tarot card reader Hal is shocked when she receives word that she is the possible recipient of an inheritance. Her grandmother has died, and Hal is summoned to her home to hear the will being read. The only issue is that to Hal’s knowledge, her grandmother was already dead--and with her mother gone, she has no way of knowing who this woman is. Desperate for money, she goes to the Westaway estate, only to find that the inheritance may not be worth the risk. This is a very standard mystery/thriller. Kind of predictable. I really don’t have much to say about it. The book wasn’t bad but it didn’t thrill me, so it might be another me/my slump thing.

Love and Other Words by Christina Lauren. 4/5. Macy hasn’t seen her childhood friend and first love Elliot for eleven years. When they run into each other in a coffee shop, he’s an aspiring novelist and she’s a resident on the brink of marriage. As the novel traces the story of Elliot and Macy’s past--and what he did to make her cut off contact with him the same night he confessed his love--Macy is confronted with a decision about her future, and owning up to who she is in the present. A slump-breaker! This is a really good romance, y’all. Elliot and Macy’s chemistry is palpable. You spend the whole novel worrying less about what drove them apart, and more about when they’re going to get together. That being said, the best part of the book was definitely the past. Their friendship felt genuine, which made the sexual tension buildup even better (speaking of: this is one of the few contemporary romances with legitimately good sex scenes). The stakes aren’t quite as high in the present--it seems painstakingly obvious from the beginning that Macy can fix her issues in a pretty simple way. And if she didn’t know that, I’d be a bit less annoyed, but she does. Not much happens in the present, really--that’s just the payoff for what started in the past. Still, this is a very sweet, sexy, and kind of heartwarming book that I would recommend to anyone who needs something that’s light without being TOO light.

Roomies by Christina Lauren. 3/5. Holland is obsessed with a guitarist on the subway, and has been for about six months. By a twist of fate, they finally meet, and through her connections she is able to get him a job opportunity. The only problem is that Calvin--an Irish immigrant who’s overstayed his student visa--is in the States illegally. So, out of the goodness of her heart and not at all because she wants to jump his bones, Holland offers to marry him so that he can get his green card. What could go wrong? Christina Lauren is, again, great at building up the sexual tension between her characters, and can actually write good sex scenes. This is a sweet, fluffy, silly book. I’d recommend it to romance fans. It’s just not as substantial as Love and Other Words and the plot could have been stronger; I basically skimmed over that stuff because it didn’t really grab me, and focused more on the romantic bits between Holland Calvin. A quick, nice read, but I’ve read better romance novels.

Lying in Wait by Liz Nugent. 2/5. Andrew and Lydia, a wealthy couple who’ve fallen on hard time, have buried the body of a young woman in their back yard. Though Lydia desperately tries to keep the secret from their son, Laurence, he discovers the truth before long. Meanwhile, their victim’s sister investigates Annie’s disappearance, struggling for answers. Ugh, this hasn’t been a great month for me + thrillers. This one sucked. In theory, there were good ideas, and moments of good voice, but the overall execution was very poor. The characters came off as caricatures, one of the worst things you can do in a thriller imo. And ooooh, there was so much emphasis on Laurence’s obesity, Annie’s lack of education--it seemed lurid and borderline exploitative at times. Hard pass.

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