#BUT LIKE I CANNOT EMPHASIZE ENOUGH HOW WEIRD IT IS THAT THIS JUST STARTED. I HAVE HAD BIG ASS THIGHS EVER SINCE I WAS THIRTEEN

[alexkablob]

Other favorite bits from the Dorley reread: Lorna's Paranormal Investigator Arc™

[desperatepleasures]

HASUMI!!!!!

[harrylights]

gonna get sappy here for a hot sec (quelle surprise)

[joydemorra]

Do you ever start something as a joke and lose complete control over your life?

In a world of dwindling hope, love has never mattered more... [read the full blurb here]

What is Hunger Pangs?

Hunger Pangs, often shortened to “Phangs” by the self-proclaimed phangdom, is my debut romance novel, published in Nov 2020, featuring a deaf, disabled werewolf, a neurodivergent, mad scientist vampire, and an all-powerful enchantress who is the last of her kind.

It is the first book in a slow-burn, polyamorous gaslamp fantasy romance series focusing on the relationship(s) and antics of the three main characters, Nathan Northland, Vlad Blutstein, and Lady Ursula, as they work to save the world they love from imminent magical and ecological disaster.

The first book primarily focuses on the relationship between Nathan and Vlad, with Ursula heavily alluded to in the next book (Pride and Folly) via some shameless flirting and stolen, impulsive kisses.

No love triangles here. Just three highly competent, world-saving bisexuals sharing the same brain cell the closer they get to each other.

There are two editions of the novel. The Flirting with Fangs edition depicts on-page sexual acts, and the Fluff and Fangs edition which uses alternative scenes/fade-to-black scenes for those who prefer not to read depictions of sex. You can read more about why I decided to do this here.

How Did Phangs come to be?

Like most things on my blog, the original concept began as a joke. My friend and enabler, @jeneelestrange, and I were talking about our least favorite tropes in romance/erotica, including but not limited to toxic “alpha” werewolves, brooding stalker vampire boyfriends, and the absolute profound bullshit that is the Conflicted Love Triangle and Bury Your Gays.

Eventually, it culminated in this post:

(source)

It was meant to be a joke. I really cannot emphasize this enough. It was meant to be a shitpost between friends.

A throwaway ADHD impulse.

Tumblr, however, wanted more of these posts, and like a swarming mass of drift-compatible rats in a trench coat, grabbed hold of my lack of impulse control and Ratatouille'd me into becoming an international bestselling author, and, well, here we are.

I also started writing the series while dying, which I highly do not recommend as a functional creative process.

Absolutely do not start a 500k five-part novel series about love and hope while dying from an undiagnosed genetic disorder. Or if you do, make sure you actually die so you don't have to edit the damn thing. (I am mostly kidding.)

What are the themes/tropes/character dynamics of the book?

In the simplest of terms, Phangs is a queer-polyamorous-paranormal-satirical-romance series featuring vampires, werewolves, and all other manner of creatures that go bump in the night.

It is set in a pseudo-regency meets fake-Victorian Gaslamp Fantasy world, complete with gothic castles, enchanted forests, and just a smidge of industrial coal dust.

Style-wise, Phangs has been described by readers as "like reading the queer, goth love child of Terry Pratchett meets Jane Austen," and I've never been more proud of anything in my life.

If Game of Thrones ascribes to the idea that the night is dark and full of terrors, Phangs is the monster-fucker politely sidling up to them at the bar and asking if they can buy them a drink.

It is also primarily a love letter to fandom, which has led some people to believe it’s fanfiction with the serial labels filed off. But as the person who spent five years agonizing over the world-building, I can assure you this is all very much the product of my weird little ADHD brain picking up tropes, shaking them upside down, and running off with whatever fun and interesting things shake loose.

As already stated, the first book, True Love Bites, focuses primarily on the relationship between Captain Nathaniel J. Northland and Viscount Vlad Blutstein.

The first part of the book primarily focuses on Nathan coming home injured from war and trying to find his place in the world as newly deaf and disabled -- something which alienates him from his werewolf family, who don't know what to do with an injury that can't be mended by a full moon.

While working on the island of Eyrie, he encounters Viscount Blutstein -- Vlad-- a neurodivergent, mad scientist dandy vampire with an enthusiasm for demonic botany and a streak of unfailing kindness as broad and expansive as the sky.

It's not so much love at first sight for the pair as instantaneous lust hampered by the restrictions of polite 1880 society and old ingrained prejudices that make them think the other couldn't possibly be interested in them that way. They're just misreading all those heartfelt stares and sexually charged chess games.

(The love is requited, your honor, they're just idiots.)

Both characters are explicitly queer/mspec, as is Ursula, who drops into their world like a magical atom bomb going off, but not before she spends her own parts of the book desperately trying to figure out what manner of dark entity is killing the magical shrines around the world that keep the world alive.

Thematically, the series touches on many things, but the book’s overriding theme is love. Romantically, of course, and love between families, both found or otherwise. But also love as an act of courage. As a choice. An act of defiance in dark and troubling times, and what it means to be loved and belong even though you’re different.

Especially when you’re different.

And I really fucking hope you enjoy it.

To read the full synopsis and check out the heat ratings, buy links and content tags, go to www.joydemorra.com

[crazylittlejester]

honestly, the fandom dismisses wars trauma a little too much. Have you noticed it’s always never brought up in his character studies? And when it is, it’s totally brushed off him and cia had a WEIRDDD age gap. It’s also weird hyrule warriors never acknowledges this. I honestly don’t think it’s gonna be recognized in LU but idk. It’s just weird how quickly the fandom brushed over all that. What’s your opinion? Cuz you have cool opinions lol

Disclaimer: Everything you’re about to read is my opinion and my interpretation of a game. I’m not talking about headcanons (unless otherwise specified), I’m just talking about my experience with the game and everything else. All of this is from MY perspective interacting with the canon material from both Hyrule Warriors and Linked Universe. Also! I am dyslexic, my bad for oddly autocorrected words or weird spelling mistakes

A huge reason I started yapping so much on this blog was because I saw a lot of people either actively disliking Wars, making fucking INSANE comments about his body, overly sexualizing him, or just straight up dismissing him all together and it helped me get over my posting anxiety because it genuinely made me so upset. He’s been my favorite character since only a few posts into LU (i originally liked Twilight better based sheerly on design but it took like only a few posts before that changed), and I love HW Link in general, and I thought it was actually crazy that more people didn’t like him. I’ve written several of my own characters studies on him, some of which I’ve posted, others lay trapped in my old laptop in the form of a full on analysis paper, never to see the light of day

You can send a full grown man to war and he will come back with trauma, imagine what happens when you grab some poor teenager and tell him everything relies on him. Literally forget Cia for a minute, Link as a teenager was taken and shoved into a full on war where his men turned on him and in order to survive, he had to kill. Monsters and hylians alike, it was him or them, and he’s the one who made it out. Not to mention he was constantly running all over the battle field trying to prevent the hylian captains from being defeated, and he most certainly lost many people he cared about just because he couldn’t get there in time. He had to carry around the guilt that this war was started because some sorceress was obsessed with him ON TOP of that

This was said earlier by an anon on a post I reblogged, and I’ve been saying it myself for months but I will say it again: If Warriors had been a girl and been obsessed over that same way, I fucking GUARANTEE you people would be taking it more seriously

I literally just typed in the character name and the game she’s from and that is what google had to say about her. If an older man was described as ‘harboring serious affections’ and having a ‘desire to claim’ a teenage girl I literally don’t think it would’ve been glossed over or ignored like it is

I don’t think nintendo was ever gonna elaborate or really recognize it in the game, they never go super in depth on anything in Zelda games from my experience, and I doubt Jojo will really get into it in LU mainly just because she has so much going on with eight other dudes and potentially two more (based on the header on the linked universe blog)

I saw a lot of characterizations of Warriors and opinions of him that made me so confused and also a bit mad, such that he is a womanizer or a stupid twink (of which he is neither), and that’s a huge reason I started writing fanfiction for this fandom. Firstly to just create more content for my favorite character because I rarely saw any that focused on him, and secondly because I didn’t like some (NOT ALL) of how I was seeing him characterized. (i cannot emphasize enough: NOT ALL people in the fandom characterized him this way, I saw plenty of amazing and beautiful characterizations of Warriors)

I do not think he is a womanizer at all, in fact I fully believe his flirtatious behavior is a defense mechanism. I think his ‘woman problems’ are the fact that he’s afraid of women (especially older women) he doesn’t know or trust, but also that’s just my opinion. And I am genuinely a bit worried that now that people have stopped talking about how they noticed he seemed off a few updates ago and now that they’re saying he’s back to normal that people are going to start reducing him to a stupid dramatic twink again, as if Warriors was not the one who came up with the initial plan to fight Dink and was not the first one to fight him. As if this is not a man who lead a god damn army. As if everything he’s done and everything he is no longer matters because he’s ‘pretty’

anyways I have a lot of thoughts about him in general and im just glad the fandom has been treating him better as of late, but i am a bit worried it’s just gonna go back to how it was

thanks for the ask!! sorry i got a bit carried away 😭

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

I've been thinking a lot about the one-dimensional kinda fandom interpretations of Dazai and Chuuya in particular - the overemphasis on Dazai's weird brand of mischief/manipulation and Chuuya's anger and tendency to lash out and how it's not like these traits are... wrong, per se - these are their surface level/immediately notable characteristics - it's just that it misses the nuance as to why these traits likely exist.

What these interpretations don't fully capture is their very similar cores deep down - two people plagued by feelings of alienation, human inadequacy and repeated loss. Despite starting from these very similar places, they both dealt with the issue in near opposite ways. Dazai numbed himself to pain (remember: he hates pain! I cannot emphasize this enough!) and rarely gets close to anyone for fear he will lose them - his loss led to apathy, a withdrawal from humanity, a fear that he will always be empty inside - his ability: No Longer Human. Chuuya, on the other hand, refuses to numb himself and instead feels every single emotion in full and values his bonds with others over anything. He wants to belong and makes efforts to be perceived as a part of his group. Underlying this, however, is a kind of tired grief paired with resilience - remember that his ability is Upon the Tainted Sorrow. Not anger, or rage.

Sorrow is what results from this kind of heavy identity crisis and loss - for both of them. Think of Odasaku's read on Dazai as someone who looked close to tears when "acting" in front of the sniper poised to shoot him, describing him to Gide as a too-smart child left in the dark, or the way Stormbringer constantly reminds us that Chuuya is 16 and the desperation he feels in the scene where he holds his own dying clone, unable to help him.

Both characters carry a melancholy, resulting from their respective issues with their own humanity - I know I'm not the first one to comment on how their abilities could just as easily be referring to each other as well as themselves. This reads as very intentional to me - much like Atsushi's story begins as a clear parallel to the short story Rashoumon and Akutagawa sometimes being referred to in more beast-like terms than man, it makes sense that Dazai and Chuuya would reference each other in a similar vein.

And if that was the end of it, then we would expect that deep sorrow to shine through in both characters, but it rarely does except in pivotal moments. That's because the both of them have had to constantly deal with external threats - they believe they cannot afford to show vulnerability.

So, what you get instead is Dazai taking a kind of twisted ownership over his inhumanity and using it to make people afraid of him and to control everything so that he is never blindsided and hurt again, in the process, further alienating himself and making his issues worse. He inflicts fear so he doesn't have to be afraid. He can relax and be as silly as he wants - so long as everything around him is completely according to his predictions. There's a bonus to his foolish demeanour as well: hardly anyone can read him well enough to get close.

Then you get Chuuya, who feels so strongly and so much that it has no choice but to boil over, and due to never being able to or feeling comfortable with being anything but "the strongest", he hides moments when he is touched, or worried, or grieving, with anger and violence and defensiveness. As such, he is always seen as more weapon than person, a cut above the rest, forever standing out to others no matter how much he tries to integrate. The closest he came to true belonging was wrenched away from him before he could have a chance to know what that would actually feel like with the death of the Flags.

These surface traits are defense mechanisms. And the amusing thing to me is that likely means these two would love if that's all most people ever saw of them. (Of course, they clearly do want to be seen and accepted, but defense mechanisms become automatic over time because they often feel much safer. Likely another reason they clash so much - they see each other, and it is deeply uncomfortable for them both.)

So, you have Dazai defending himself with his two-faced nature, making jokes and/or manipulating everyone in the vicinity, and Chuuya defending himself with intimidation and anger, never letting any vulnerability show through because anger is easier but at the core of all of this is that loss and that grief and the sorrow and fear that pervades from it.

[marzipanandminutiae]

What was the deal with that Thomas cosplayer? Was she weird about Sharpecest?

Listen, my children, and you shall hear, etc.

so I've told this story before, but what the hell; it's on my mind. about two years ago when I finished my Lucille park dress cosplay, I posted the pics on Instagram and a makeup artist reached out to me. she'd done some genuinely cool ghost Thomas looks, and wanted to chat about CPeak cosplay. nice! she said some very kind things about my dress. excellent!

...and then immediately segued into bashing Lucille

now, you don't have to like any character. you don't even have to like them to compliment a cosplay! "oh that looks really cool" is fine even if you despise this character unto the flaming depths of Tartarus and back! but. you probably should not start harping on about how much you despise them to someone who just put in months of work to recreate their clothing

I kept trying to redirect the conversation. she kept dragging it back to Lucille Bad. the one exchange I remember distinctly was this:

Her: this is my rabbit! Me: oh, so cute! what's their name? Her: Lucille would never let Thomas have a rabbit. she probably hates it when he's happy :(

I just. no idea. not a single clue.

this went on for a while- "he should have just left her in the asylum! she's the absolute worst!" -before I finally tried to politely ask that she not do it anymore. I figured she might not know the etiquette, so I said it was generally not appropriate to bash a character to someone cosplaying them

wrong thing to say. this touched off a rant about how "female cosplayers" were the worst (cannot emphasize enough that she was a woman exclusively posting videos of Tom Hiddleston characters SFX makeup) and I was trying to force her to the character. cue blocking. The End

...sometimes I still think about the rabbit thing, though

[rollercoasterwords]

tried to read wfrau as i saw people rec it, but there's something bothering me in that fic. i don't like the alpha-male-ification of remus in wfrau. remus is not a beast who can fight another beast werewolves. he was a timid, sheltered boy in canon, but it's like you're making him fit into the fanon toxic wolfstar heteronormative box. it feels weird to read. please don't make me start on why it seems like you hate sirius OR use sirius as a self-insert to indulge in your fetishization of remus. like why do you write sirius as abused, when it was canonically remus who was disabled. can you consider rewrite some points in the fic, aligned to canon?

lmao where do i even start with this. uhhhhh okay first of all to answer your question - no, i will not be rewriting to make my non-canon-compliant fic more compliant with canon. if you don't like it, i suggest you don't read it! i'm not writing the story for you, and i'm not really sure why you think it would matter to me whether you like it or not. there are plenty of other fics out there that you can go read.

this fic was explicitly written to be a werewolf-fighting ring au. if you don't like remus fighting other werewolves, then i'm baffled as to why you even started it in the first place, considering that it's clearly tagged "werewolf fighting ring." i don't agree with your interpretation of canon that he was a "timid, sheltered" boy; even if i did, this fic is specifically exploring how the characters would be different in an au, non-canon-compliant version of their world. if the gay romance between two men is too heteronormative for you, there are, again, other fics out there that you can read. and if you don't want to read about "toxic" relationships then u DEFINITELY shouldn't read this fic, because none of the relationships in it are wholesome and healthy lmao. if you think i hate sirius...i don't even know what to say lol. like yeah i hate him so much that i've written hundreds of thousands of words of fanfiction about him. that checks out! and remus is fetishized in this fic for being a werewolf, which is a topic that gets explored in-depth in his pov chapter and is not something condoned by the narrative. i'm assuming you didn't read that far, though, and that what you mean by "fetishization" is the fact that sirius finds him sexy. so. again, i think you probably should just not read this fic if characters being sexually attracted to each other bothers you. i write sirius as being abused because that's the story i wanted to tell; not really sure how remus being canonically disabled is something that would cancel that out? those are two separate things. and remus's canonical disability is his lycanthropy, which....also exists in this fic. and is another topic that gets explored throughout the story.

in conclusion i truly cannot emphasize enough that i am not the person out here reccing this fic, i am not trying to grow an audience or go viral or any of that bullshit. not sure where you got the rec from, but i have actually asked people not to post about my fics on tiktok to try and avoid them blowing up there, because i do not want people like you reading them. i include an entire warning on the first chapter about the fact that this fic is dark and deals with heavy topics; i've tagged the fic thoroughly and have also included "additional tags to be added" to remind people that it's a wip and things are subject to change. all this is to emphasize -- i really, really, really don't care if any person reading the fic dislikes it. i don't care if they dislike it so much that they have to stop reading, because i don't care how many people are reading it in the first place!! i'm writing this story purely for fun, for myself, so i'm going to write what i want to write. even if you intended for this message to be polite, it just comes off as incredibly entitled to ask a stranger on the internet to spend hours of time and labor tailoring a story to your specific tastes, and if you think this type of message is okay to send then i think you should genuinely sit down and reevaluate the way you approach fandom. nobody is making you read fics you don't like, so just....don't read them.

[darthpastry]

Welcome to part two of my official Henry-hate crusade. Time to cover the true ending of Pizzeria Sim! For this one, I want to take one of the fandoms favorite moments, the connection terminated speech, and shred it to piece while explaining why Henry isn't really a hero in this instance. So! Let's go over certain lines. Maybe compliment some of my favorite ones so this isn't just hating and recognizing he isn't the absolute worst.

"And to you, my brave volunteer."

Idk about you, but it doesn't exactly seem to me like Michael knew what he was volunteering for.

"Who somehow found this job listing not intended for you."

If it was anyone else, they probably would've died. The only other person by this point who was known to be able to survive the animatronics was Jeremy and I doubt that even if he was still around, he would be able to fend them off due to brain injury. Also, not so much a complaint, but did Henry have someone else in mind or just threw the job listing into the void?

"Although, there was a way out planned for you, I have a feeling that's not what you want. I have a feeling that you are right where you want to be."

Why not ask. Or at least tell him what the way out is instead of just assuming he hasn't found anything to live for and effectively murdering him?

"I am remaining as well. I am nearby."

Yep. Just make sure everyone who knows what's going on dies even though it's not like William hasn't escaped a fire before. Very responsible of you.

"This place will not be remembered. And the memory of everything that started this. Can finally begin to fade away. As the agony of every tragedy should."

I'm a firm believer in when history is forgotten it repeats itself, so quite frankly wanting people to forget seems a bit stupid. I agree that they shouldn't be trapped in the agony of it, but "this place will not be remembered" seems wrong.

"Although, for one of you. The darkest pit of Hell has opened to swallow you whole. So, don't keep the Devil waiting, old friend."

I can complain about Henry all day, but William is objectively far worse, and this line is absolute fire. Pun intended.

"My daughter, if you can hear me. I knew you would return as well."

Might be due to that animatronic you made to capture her and deliver constant controlled shocks and also somehow ended up in a magazine? Idk though. Just a theory.

"I'm sorry that on that day. The day you were shut out and left to die. No one was there to lift you up in their arms. The way you lifted others into yours."

But why. I get that being a parent can be hard and you can't have an eye on your kid 24/7, but he should've at least made there was a responsible adult present.

"Not my daughter. I couldn't save you then, so let me save you now."

Yippee. Negligent dad who can only making up for leaving his child without a responsible adult which led to her early death by using Lefty so that she can finally move on. Yayyyy /extreme sarcasm ofc

“Congratulations on completing your work week. We apologize if your situation wasn't presented to you In a completely honest fashion when you first started, but it was important that your intentions and actions be genuine.”

I cannot emphasize enough that Michael was not told what was going to happen and given the last sentence it seems like he didn't even feel the need to be suspicious of what was going on.

“Please accept this Certificate of Completion. Goodbye for now, and thank you for taking this journey with us.”

More of theorizing but it's kind of weird that this whole monologue was recorded and delivered if Michael is supposed to be actually dead. I know it's for the player, but I feel like they could easily spin this and bring Michael back.

Tune in next time where I cover the other endings, possibly rant about how everything in FNaF is awful for everyone, and miscellaneous if there's any!

@uvanuva

[myobsessionsspace]

hi i need to say this to SOMEONE 😭 but the general fandom is soo weird about jikook. whenever i see tiktoks the vibes of the comments are so different when its jikook. its so normal to see stuff like "thats his baby" "soulmates" "they love each other so much" "i love them together" when its abt any other pairing but for jikook tiktoks its just comment after comment of people emphasizing the word friendship. like fandom cannot interact w jikook content unless they make sure EVERYONE KNOWS that theyre JUST FRIENDS and i do not see this with other pairings and i do not understand why

Hi Lovely,

You can always come say things here 🫶

It’s crazy because I was just talking to a friend today about something similar!!

I was saying to her that I don’t even want the general public or all of the fandom to ship Jikook. I just want them to acknowledge them as close.

To be honest there are unhinged shippers in everytime subsection, Jikookers included. It’s understandable people that want no parts in shipping because it can go really left of the field, from the hyper feminisation of Jimin, the hyper masculinisation of Jungkook, the a/b/o tropes that people want to fit into everything they do, the hyper sexualisation of them, trying to make their every breath about the ship etc.

It’s understandable that lots of people want to just enjoy the members without all that extra.

What’s not understandable is the total erasure of Jikook even being BFFs, the super focus on certain duos that are not as volatile territory like ‘woah, thighs’, and how it’s fun to trend ‘rapper’s girlfriend’ but crickets from the fandom as a whole and only real noise from jikookers when ‘Jimin Hyung can handle it’ ‘I’m not that easy’ happed in front of our salad?!

That’s not US taking it there, that’s THEM 😩

My friend and I were saying that there are people that do see more when it comes to Jikook but because there aren’t enough big spaces that embrace the unique aspects of Jikook they try shipping spaces, but it’s not for the weak hearted. Some just see Jikook as interesting but not down to the #jikookisreal level and so when they dip their toes in they dip right back out.

Becca aka @wingzie did a post on how there are more jikookers than we may have thought:

I do get you anon, but I’m not so bothered if Jikook were to be acknowledged as ‘just friends’, heck I rarely see Jimin and Jungkook’s names in the same sentence unless it’s with the inclusion of other members or their musical records.

To be real, I care more that they’re not acknowledged as BEST FRIENDS, as closer than close. I see a lot of ‘that’s his baby brother’ ‘that’s just Jimin, he’s like that with all of them’, don’t even get me started on the pass around Jimin narrative that some use 😑.

I too see on a whole some actions that Jimin & Jungkook do that jikookers think is just for Jikook that truthfully isn’t, that can be seen with all seven. More jikookers do need to start dispelling those misguided Jikook lores in addition to dispelling anti Jikook narratives.

BUT I also see when there are things just Jikook that get skilfully ignored.

It’s super frustrating but at the same time it’s not. Because, really, do we want millions upon millions trending every little thing about Jikook if they are real and not explicitly out? I’d rather have the ones that can’t see anything because they have underlying prejudices to stay not seeing anything, because do Jikook need those kind of eyes on them?

Maybe a smaller bubble of jikookers being convinced and spotting their moments, in comparison to the fandom as a whole acknowledging something different with Jikook vs other ships, allows for jikookers to to keep jikooking ‘safely’.

The majority of people that DO see Jikook, see them for the unique softness, fondness, adoration, sweet words and actions, fun and spicy bond they have and want to celebrate it and protect it.

Appreciating Jikook doesn’t need to have millions of people. To be honest with or without us watching, Jikook will keep Jikooking. So let those that see them, enjoy and let those that don’t see them, miss out on a beautiful thing.

Thank you for being comfortable enough to send me your ask.

💜

[randomalistic]

Ok oh my god. OH MY GOD. I just saw treasure planet for the first time and It was fucking amazing. Like yeah Duh I KNOWWW i know it’s like. “underrated Disney movie bla bla it was a commercial failure” . You know the deal.

But if there is 1 thing I want to say:

I cannot emphasize enough how meaningful and touching it is to the audience when you allow your male main characters to cry, and hug, and be emotionally vulnerable without shame. That brought this film to a whole new level 🥺

its a beautiful movie that took so many creative risks and that’s so admirable. It’s so clear they had a vision and they crafted that vision with endless amounts of love :’] I DID CRY.

More rambling below

I was CONSISTENTLY delighted by how creative the characters were and incredibly entertained throughout. So fucking fun and engaging and it feels like a 2 hour movie so much happens. How is it only 1.5 hours.

I CRIED !!!!!!!!!! John Silver and Jim’s relationship was so COMPLEX like actually amazing. The father figure dynamic is so sweet and heartwarming and so heartbreaking simultaneously like I was not expecting that AMV montage in the middle like that shit cut me so deep it was outstanding. A montage about Jim’s troubled childhood with a neglectful absent father and then DIRECTLY PARALLELING THAT WITH HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH SILVER. LIKE HES FINALLY OVERCOMING THOSE FEELINGS AND LIVING HIS LIFE. GODDAMN!!! THATS SO POWERFUL!! THATS SO INCREDIBLE!!! THATS JUST IN THE MOVIE!!!!??!

Also the character/creature designs are RELENTLESS in how good they are. And they have so much fun with it. It’s so silly.

They had an old snapping turtle pirate???? hello?? He was introduced and then he died ❤️

The animation is also MIND BLOWINF like OH MY GOD!??? the seamless integration of 2D and 3D interacting is so impressive especially for 2001 like this was a technological feat for sure . Only rarely does the CG look dated (those whales at the start <\3 poor guys) BUT JOHN SILVER’S CYBORG ARM WAS FUCKING AMAZING LIKE I COUKD STARE AT THAT THING FOR HOURS .

Can’t find a gif of it but during his introduction there was a ROTATING SHOT of him cooking (❤️) while using his arm and his arm has so many tools inside it like a cyborg Swiss Army knife it’s the coolest fucking thing ever. Just Amazing

Also the fact they introduced an entirely new character 53 minutes in when the main cast has already been established was such a risk, but it so paid off. I love B.E.N. The fact he’s fully 3D animated and he’s THAT expressive. WHILE BEING A ROBOT? adorable. He’s Adorable. He’s so mentally ill and strange.

What is wrong with him. He is. dare I say. spamtonlike. pathetic and unhinged. Houses forbidden knowledge. What a Pitiful creature 🧡his glowing CRT eyes are really cute. There was a moment when the lights went out it was only his eyes and I Liked That

I love weird little robot guys in early-late 2000s movies. I need to watch Bluesky robots. I need my fix.

Morph could’ve been a really obnoxious comedic relief animal sidekick but they somehow managed to make him really cute and likable. (Also They only used him for plot points A LITTLE. Turning into anything couldve been overpowered as fuck. But alas… he is a mindless animal...) We love Morph. His relationship with silver is so fucking cute.

Kind of a Delbert centrist honestly. I liked him but also kinda dislike him. Bro kinda gives self centered misogynist scientist vibes. But he’s also silly and self conscious though guyssss.!! I thought I would like him more than I did. BUT He’s animated SO wonderfully though I love the shape of his hands and his weird goat face. Solid 7/10 weird guy. Idk why he came with Jim on the ship though❤️

Captain Amelia was fucking awesome for the first half of the movie. One of the best characters. Yeah. ……………. They fumbled her so hard. MAYBE ITS JUST ME BUT ME AND MY FRIEND WERE NOT A FAN OF HER AND DELBERT AT ALL. Disney was like. We have a competent woman character ! Competent woman has to get injured and then the incompetent man has to take care of her and then they HAVE to fall in love. It’s actually so tragic like they did NOT deserve her.

IN FACT HERE’S MY SCORCHING HOT TAKE: Delbert should’ve been the one to get injured and Amelia nurses him back to health. Delbert might apologize profusely because of his self confidence issues and cuz he internalizes things that go wrong as his fault. Amelia reassures him, realizing that she was too harsh on him earlier. Delbert becomes less intimidated by her because she opens up to him and they grow to trust one another. Amelia stays with him while Jim goes to hide. And whapow !!!! Same relationship is built up without disempowering a female character. It doesn’t even have to be romantic they can just be friends……. 🫶 cuz it comes off as weird because since the start Delbert was like “wtf the captain is a GIRL?? Wait ooh la laaa she’s pretty” and she had 0 interest in him. so like the ONLY way they could pair them together was to get her injured and have him care for her . And she falls in love with him out of nowhere. No. Being cared for does not mean you’ll fall in love with your caretaker. She’s so ace coded to me and my friend. Until SUDDENLY. Am I crazy

Ok so like yeah the forced heterosexual love interest moment. I did not want to see their FOUR (4) hybrid babies at the end. I’m losing my mind. also did Jim become a cop? I swear to fucking god LOL

The movie was SO good that disney didn’t know how to wrap it up without ruining it ❤️ WHICH IS VERY INTERESTING I think they had to compensate for all the risks they took with a safe and weird ending where the police like him now and the police are ok guys. Disney approved

Anyways watch/rewatch the movie right now. Skip the final minute <3

One of my new favorite movies goddamn!

Edit: I would’ve forgiven them if Delbert got pregnant instead

[blorbo-from-the-cosmos]

Blorbo’s Shifting Stories 09/03/2023

* ੈ✩‧₊˚* ੈ✩‧₊˚* ੈ✩‧₊˚ * ੈ✩‧₊˚* ੈ✩‧₊˚* ੈ

tl;dr: I SHIFTED. I actually shifted!! It wasn’t to any of my dr’s but I fully actually shifted and grounded myself into a completely different reality while fully aware of the fact that I had shifted! ahahgahahah!!!

* ੈ✩‧₊˚* ੈ✩‧₊˚* ੈ✩‧₊˚ * ੈ✩‧₊˚* ੈ✩‧₊˚* ੈ

Howdy everyone!! It’s been a while since I’ve posted, and truth be told it’s because I haven’t had any reasons to post recently. However, that all changed the other night when I had an out of body experience and shifted twice in a row (albeit neither time to a reality I was hoping for)!!

It all started when I was sleeping. As per usual, I fell asleep with my intention to shift while listening to some subliminals (I believe it was one of Kween Subs videos on YouTube). There was nothing in particular that caused me to shift tbh, I’d had a normal day and wasn’t really expecting much of a result since I didn’t do or feel anything out of the ordinary before going to bed. I just fell asleep while breathing deeply, trying to keep my brain awake while my body fell asleep until I seemingly fell asleep.

So, I become aware of myself and I feel like I’m floating in bed. I felt purely made of energy, it was honestly kind of exhilarating, and so I decided to try astral projecting. It was weird because I’m not sure if I astral projected into a lucid dream, or if I had been lucid dreaming about astral projecting. Either way, I set my intention and told myself I was going to shift.

I started chanting “I have shifted. I am in my desired reality” over and over to myself while shutting my eyes hovering in the middle of my room. I felt like everything disappeared almost like water going down the drain, and in a sudden rush I felt myself getting pulled down myself as if I’d been vacuumed into the void. I just remember breathing deeply and doing my best to stay calm as I kept chanting my affirmations over and over until finally everything stopped.

When I woke up, it felt as though I’d woken up from a full nights sleep. I didn’t fully register that my surroundings were different yet, but I was in a lovely wooden apartment with white sheets and white curtains. It was kind of hazy for the first hour or so, but I remember feeling calm and tranquil like I was on a vacation or something. I remember getting up and making the bed, changing into some white flowy clothes, slipping into sandals, and walking downstairs. Honestly I still thought I was dreaming, but as I got ready I started grounding myself and I distinctly remember every touch and feel of every texture I came across that day.

At this point I’m shaking because omg, I actually shifted??? This is a real place?? I’m so scared because where tf am I??? So I run outside and I start walking down this beautiful cobblestone street and find myself going into what I’m going to describe as a beautiful farmers market that stretched far down a path that lead to the beach in the far distance, while behind the far side of the stands looked like a giant green field that was probably a park. I walked around for a bit just kind of exploring and chatting with some locals, eventually finding out that I was near a beach in Australia.

I cannot emphasize enough that I have never in my life even been close to attempting to fly anywhere near Australia. I don’t have family there, I don’t have friends there, I’ve never really had a strong wish to visit there either (no shade to any aussies!!! australia is lovely, it’s just not one of those special places in my heart </3), so I was flabbergasted on how the hell I ended up there in the first place.

Eventually I remember taking a seat on the beach near some shade and just feeling the sand in my toes for some time. I just basked, honestly, like I just basked in the fact that I’d shifted and yeah maybe it wasn’t where I was trying to go, but damn it if this wasn’t still the most relaxing and freeing experience I’ve ever lived. So, I just sat on the beach and started to affirm to myself that I was in my dr with no real rush. It was so peaceful hearing the ocean waves while being all warm in the sand, I almost immediately felt myself astral projecting again.

I looked down at myself on the beach and I realized I was astral projecting or something, and it was so strange because I remember my dr self looked at me briefly (or at least in my direction) because I felt myself floating up into the sky at an incredibly fast pace. Before I knew it I felt like I was being passed through a vacuum cleaner and I went through the most dizzying journey, but eventually I found myself in a room that looked pretty close to my cr.

I didn’t realize until after that the room I saw before falling asleep again was definitely not my cr room. It was real though, because the first thing I did was feel around for textures and ground myself into that reality. I wanted to make sure I wasn’t dreaming (and I wasn’t), but it looked just similar enough to my cr room in the dark that I automatically assumed I’d returned </3

I did still try affirming and managed to get back into the void state because I wanted to try one last time to shift to my actual dr, but I honestly think I was too tired because I woke up in my cr the next morning and I’ve been waking up here ever since.

* ੈ✩‧₊˚* ੈ✩‧₊˚* ੈ✩‧₊˚ * ੈ✩‧₊˚* ੈ✩‧₊˚* ੈ

So yeah! That was my first experience shifting :) literally crazy and so unexpected, but I cannot stress enough how freeing and peaceful it is to shift and actually feel that it’s real. You’re real. Your desired reality is real. It’s all so real and it’s all going to be okay because 3+ years at this point and that’s the first time I shifted but god I’d do it all again from scratch if I had to for me to feel that free one more time!!!

I know I’ll shift again and this time I’ll live the reality I’ve always dreamed. That is a promise <3

[kittyscarfredux]

FAQ about locking up / needing to pee so bad you can't pee

Q: Does this happen in real life or is it some kind of weird whump fantasy?

A: I don't know what it is about me posting situations inspired by things my body does in real life and people telling me it's unrealistic, but I assure you it happens lmao.

Q: How does it work?

A: I've seen two explanations for it that both sound plausible, 1. that you have been too tense for too long and it takes the body a minute to switch gears and figure out that it's ok to pee, and 2. that the bladder is so overstretched that it doesn't have strength to contract

Q: How does it feel?

A: It feels like you get in position with full intent to pee, you relax the voluntary part, and the autonomic part that you normally don't notice because you do it several times a day without a hitch doesn't respond. It feels like the bladder isn't even attached to the urethra and there's no way to empty it. You feel around and clench and unclench your muscles, trying to find the one that is in the way and thinking "wtf, how do I usually pee", but you cannot find it because your conscious brain does not control that action. If you're used to this, you're probably just thinking "god damn not this shit again", but if someone has never had this happen before or it's taking longer than they're used to, or they're on a time limit, they might be panicking about what will happen if they CAN'T PEE and they have to go to the HOSPITAL

Gradually things come back online and there might be at least one "false alarm" that feels like preparing to pee and then just cramps instead. When a stream eventually starts, it's weak, like it is just draining out with gravity and can't be pushed out any faster than that.

How long it lasts depends on the severity, it could be as mild as a few seconds of hesitation and then a stream that starts off weak and eventually speeds up once the worst of the pressure is let off, or it could be as bad as 3-5 minutes of nothing and then 3-5 minutes of slowly trickling out the entire volume. I have seen stories of people having even worse experiences, like someone who had to drive home and get in the bath

Q: Is it the same thing as pee shyness?

A: No, it's caused by being too full and tense, so it can happen even in a "safe" and non-anxiety-inducing place to pee, although both situations can compound each other

Q: Does pressing or massaging it help?

A: I am just one person and cannot answer this for everyone, but I cannot emphasize how much externally pressing it before the opening has relaxed enough to let anything out does not help and if my well-intentioned partner did this to me like characters do in fics I would slap or kick or bite them. You could play this for comedy if you want your desperate character to suffer a little more and your helper character to get slapped or kicked or bitten, or you could have your helping character rub their hand or shoulders instead or talk to them while they wait. Externally pressing once it is already coming out can help to keep the stream going and feel if there is still some left when it stops

[ask--eggman]

Doctor, did you just indirectly confirm that you're a half-blood (demigod) with how you said you had grey-blue irises? Those are actually a very prominent feature in children of Athena, and it would not be too much of a stretch to say that you are a child of Athena (or Hephaestus for that matter).

Daedalus was also a child of Athena, so that just backs it up even more.

I'm sorry for how weird and unhinged this rambling is, I've just started studying mythology a lot lately to figure out if any of the people I look up to are half-bloods.

Heheh, how interesting. I of course have done plenty of research on god-like beings but somehow I've never heard of that. I'll keep that in mind and perhaps look more into those names...

Well, I've always known I was the higher power with how I'm superior to all and I quite like the title of god! Yet at the same time, I feel that I'm beyond god. Like my power and glory cannot truly be emphasized enough by just a single important status and title, so I'll have to go by them all!

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

All right, I did a post yesterday about the Cowgate incident of 2003, which started because I read the disappointing news that the site of the incident will be closed to the public when I'm in Edinburgh this summer, and I literally read it during a brief period of being awake in the middle of a fever dream. And then of course I made a post about it, because if you wake up in the middle of a fever dream, you always have to post about the real-life incident that most resembles the content of an actual fever dream.

This made me realize it's been a little while since I've actually watched that video, I went through a year or so of re-watching it at least once a week (mainly because it became a go-to re-watch when drunk, particularly near the end of the night when I no longer wanted to focus on anything coherent or longer than a few minutes, personally I'd never want to be at a comedy show while drunk but I do see why they'd do this for a drunk crowd, it appeals to that side of the brain), but I hadn't seen it in six months or so. I thought, I've probably been building this up in my head a bit in the six months of not actually watching it. The idea of Cowgate as a weird drunken fever dream (though one enjoyable thing about it is that besides Adam Hills and the entire audience I'm pretty sure the people involved were sober, as that was sort of the Chocolate Milk Gang's thing, getting their name specifically because they were the only people who didn't get drunk at late-night Edinburgh shows, instead they went for milkshakes across the road) had become a running joke in my mind and sometimes my Tumblr references, but at this point it's more of a symbol than anything else. After writing that post that ran with the joke of it being an iconic violent ritual, I thought it would be fun to spend some of my sick day at home re-watching the actual video, expecting to find that it just looks like relatively expected raucous comedy show shenanigans, not quite as mind-breakingly weird as I remember.

...Guys, it's exactly as I remembered. It's so weird. I've made multiple deep dive Cowgate posts before, but not for at least six months (I think the last time I did it one was for the 20th anniversary, August 26 last year, so almost exactly six months, actually), and I think six months should be long enough to make me allowed to repeat myself on the subject. Because there's almost nothing I haven't said before, but watching it again made me want to say it all again. And I do mean almost - I think I did discover one new detail while watching it between fever dreams yesterday. It's pretty good.

Okay, first of all, here's the video in all its glory:

I cannot emphasize enough how much the first time I came across this it was 2 AM and I had no context for understanding where they were or what was going on. Since then, I have figured out: it's a show called Late 'n' Live. It takes place on many nights throughout the Edinburgh Festival, at a venue called the Gilded Balloon. The Gilded Balloon is owned by Karen Koren. It burned down in 2002 and was rebuilt nearby, this video is from 2003, in the rebuilt venue on Teviot Place. The Late 'n' Live event runs from around 11:30 PM to around 3:30 AM and consists of a bunch of comedians who come on, sometimes to do their own sets and sometimes to do shit like this, managed by a compere, and after that they bring out a band and it turns into a dance floor. At this time, it was known for being a bearpit with a drunk and rough crowd that sometimes got violent. For several years in the late '90s and early '00s, it was famous compered by Johnny Vegas. It was then compered, throughout the early- and mid-00s, by Daniel Kitson. I mean I think there was some crossover, obviously they didn't just have one compere for an entire month and people besides those two guys did it too, some people had to get some sleep at some point. Anyway, these are all things that I know as a direct result of the rabbit hole I went down after finding this video and needing to understand what the ever loving fuck was going on in it. I actually know a lot more than that about Late 'n' Live, but there isn't time for it all right now. I've watched a four-part BBC Scotland documentary series about the history of Late 'n' Live. I watched a Tim Minchin documentary mainly because I like Tim Minchin but a little bit because it had a lot of the Gilded Balloon in it and that was relevant to my Late 'n' Live research. I have an entire folder on my hard drive called Late 'n' Live and it has too many files in it.

One of them's a gif of David O'Doherty throwing his entire body with abandon onto different things at Late 'n' Live in different years: onto Jason Byrne in 2003, onto the floor in 2005, and onto Daniel Kitson in 2007. All clips I found in entirely different sources and decided they needed to be together.

Anyway. I'm getting off topic. Already. Cowgate. The point is Cowgate. I named the incident Cowgate because that's the name of the neighbourhood where the original Gilded Balloon was, and, you know, it was a cow. A cow and what looked like it had to be some sort of scandal. I think it's very clever.

So here's the thing. After I first found that video, which seemed like a tiny relic of one of many moments of one of many nights on one of many years that this stuff went on, and I set about obsessively looking things up for weeks to try to figure out what they were doing, in the process I came across a second video that also happened to capture the same moment. Amazing stuff.

The former video was on the Gilded Balloon's YouTube channel, and seemed to have been filmed officially by the venue staff. This latter one was a montage of videos taken throughout the night by an audience member who apparently had whatever people used to film things at gigs in 2003. Wouldn't have been a camera phone back then.

This video shed a bit of light on some of the essential mysteries of Cowgate, but didn't actually answer many, and to be honest it asked more questions than it answered. Obviously, one of the main questions I had about Cowgate was "Where did the cow come from?" I'd wondered whether the Chocolate Milk Gang had somehow procured it, or whether they took something that was already there. Both options would open up a lot more questions, such as where did they get it, and if it wasn't there because they specifically put it there for the purposes of taking it apart, how did they get permission to take it apart?

The longer video suggests that it's the latter. It shows Daniel Kitson earlier in the night, messing around with the cow the way he might if its presence on stage were a surprise to him as well as to the audience.

The other essential question is "Why did they attack it?", and this earlier scene may suggest a possible reason. From the dialogue, it seems that Kitson jumped on top of it because the crowd told him to, and then the crowd keeps shouting other cow-based challenges at him, and he makes fun of them for suggesting challenges that are too easy (jump off it, touch it, etc.). The video then cuts, but it is possible that he challenged the crowd to ask him to do something difficult with it, and they said to tear it apart, and then it escalated. That scene seems to be from the beginning of the night, and we know the actual Cowgate ritual was the last thing that happened in the night, because right after they finish Kitson brings the band out and that occurs after the comedy ends. So it's possible that they could have come up with the challenge at the beginning, spent a few hours sourcing various weapons, and then done this at the end.

That theory of course brings up other questions, like how they decided on the weaponry. And, again, why they were allowed to do that. The answer to that question depends on where the cow came from, which I still don't know. I once spent a week looking up the International Cow Parade because I thought maybe it was part of that, but I don't think so anymore. It has the word Metro on the side of it, and someone in the YouTube comments called it the Metro cow. So it was probably an advertisement, not an art piece. But I wouldn't have thought your allowed to take apart a company's advertising installation. Maybe it was going to be destroyed after the festival anyway? Also, why was there a cow-based Metro advertisement on the floor at a comedy gig anyway?

I'd like to go through the video in further detail, as I've done many times before, but not for six months so I think I'm allowed a new one, and also I've come up with one (1) new fact (theory) so that's worth doing the whole thing again. I've just spent two days sick in bed, please allow me to indulge in this.

- Right at the beginning, the "three chances" thing still confuses me. That line really suggests that this is a challenge, not just a weird stunt, that they are being tested to see if they can do it. Possibly tested by an audience that was told to come up with a more difficult idea for something the comedians could try with a cow.

But what are the paramatres of the challenge? To take the cow apart, sure, but the "three chances" line implies more specific restrictions. Did they try this two other times earlier in the night and weren't able to do it? Perhaps tried it earlier with fewer weapons? Or did "three chances" mean three people are allowed to work on it? Doesn't seem likely, as Kitson jumped in fairly quickly and made it four.

- Adam Hills sounds like he's referencing something with "literally bottle it". I know "bottle it" is a expression that means "fuck it up", but I don't see how that's literal in this case. Was there a bottle involved? What would bottling it mean in this instance? Failing the audience's challenge? I don't even know for sure that it was an audience challenge, that's just a guess based on the beginning. It could be something else entirely.

- The part where John Oliver, Demetri Martin, and David O'Doherty scurry across the stage like squirrels makes me laugh every time. Why are they all bent over? What are they hiding from?

- David O'Doherty appears to be the only person who came out carrying a weapon. In the first shot of the guys attacking the cow, DO'D is hitting it with a hammer that he presumably brought from backstage. The other two are pulling on it with their bare hands. Then, in a detail I find hilarious, Demetri Marin reaches behind him and grabs what appears to be a chisel off the floor. I guess what probably happened is he did bring that with him from backstage, then put it down, and we just see him pick it back up. But the editing makes it look like he's tried pulling the horns, it didn't work, so he turned around and grabbed the nearest tool, like a character in a video game that just finds useful weapons lying around.

- It also makes me laugh that Adam Hills used his rap-based narration to make sexual jokes about the cow, while Kitson puts his hand over his mouth/in the air like a rapper, to show he's totally on board with this gangsta rap thing, but also, they have shit to and it's (presumably) nearly 4 AM, so the actual content of his lyrics is going to be to give useful practical advice on how to get this job done. Because they're not combining the tools, and you really need to use the chisel and hammer together or it'll never work.

I enjoy the way at this point, John Oliver takes just the briefest break from attacking a facsimile cow with his bare hands to look up Kitson, looking quite impressed with his approach to the situation. "Yes, thank you Daniel, finally some helpful ideas instead of just cowfucking jokes, now let's get that chisel over here."

- It can be hard to see in the darkness, but this whole thing is basically a Kitson and Oliver-oriented plan. Kitson shouts at DO'D to "combine the chisel and the hammer". John Oliver then points like he's directing a play, getting DO'D to bring his hammer to the other side.

DO'D does this, but puts the hammer down on the ground over there, instead of combining it with anything. That's when Kitson taps DO'D on the back like a pretend wrestler tagging in, possibly deciding that if he stays on the sidelines rapping all night, they'll never get this done and be allowed to leave. So he pushes DO'D out of the way, and takes his spot next to John Oliver. Then he reaches down and grabs a random chisel off the ground, again like a video game character. Then he reaches over the cow and picks up the hammer that DO'D has discarded (like a video game character), so he is now combining the chisel and the hammer. At the same time, John Oliver has physically taken the first chisel out of Demitri Martin's hand, and starts working on the same end as Kitson. Now they're getting somewhere.

- This is one of those videos that's funny every time if you keep running it back to watch the same eight seconds over but this time focus on a different person. DO'D tries to get in after Kitson straight-up stole his spot, leans in but can't find an opening, gives up and walks all the way around them both to try the other end of the cow because clearly the Kitson and Oliver dream team have this end sewn up.

- Then, there's a curveball: someone with the word CREW on the back of their shirt comes out of absolutely nowhere, and hands John Oliver a lead pipe, like a character fucking Clue(do, depending where you live). Where did this come from? Do most stages have large bits of piping lying around backstage? Was John Oliver supposed to bring it on stage with him but forgot it so they had to run it out to him? Or did those crew people decide that they're not making enough progress, someone had better find a large pipe and bring it on stage and hand it to John Oliver so we can all go home.

I've been writing this post so far while watching the official video - the one off the Gilded Balloon YouTube channel - but I think you get a much better view of this specific part from the way it was captured in the montage by an audience member. It's another part that I find incredibly funny. John Oliver is methodically working away with Demitri Martin's chisel and his own hands. Then someone hands him a large weapon, and he immediately raises it above his head like a sword and starts whacking the thing full tilt. Scares the shit out of Kitson on one side of him and DO'D on the other. They both jump, Demitri Martin just cautiously circles away.

In the words of a John Oliver bit that is long outdated but lives on in our hearts and my DVD collection... whaky stick. Whacky stick!!!

Kitson, after initially jumping, responds by choosing to imitate John's style, and starts raising the hammer over his own head to attack it with full force in the same way. While DO'D literally cowers in the corner:

And Demitri Martin continues to do what he's been doing since John took his tool away, which is to run his hands over the body of a cow like a mechanic sizing up a car. He has contributed almost nothing to this operation. I don't even think Demetri Martin knows how to take cows apart. Too busy turning letters into numbers and stuff.

- After getting over the initial excitement of waving a pipe around wildly, John Oliver employs the more thought-out strategy of using it like a lever, trying to prise it open at the seam. Kitson gets in beside him and starts attacking this same seam, striking the weak spot repeatedly with the hammer. In the background, DO'D and Demetri Martin appear to try jumping on the thing.

This is the strategy they're still employing the moment the cow finally comes apart:

I've observed this from multiple angles, and at first I thought Kitson deserved the most credit for breaking it, but now I think it was mainly John Oliver's work. Definitely a team effort though (or at least a dual effort, not sure how much the other two helped, though to be fair the bigger boys took their tools away). It comes apart at the exact spot where Kitson was hitting it with the hammer, you can see Kitson give it a hard kick, then one more strike, then put his arms up in celebration as this strike breaks it in half. But I'm pretty sure it was John's leverage from behind him that allowed him to split the thing.

- At this point they all contribute to pulling it the rest of the way apart; Kitson and Martin hold the top half while Oliver and DO'D take out the bottom. This is another part I find very funny - the way they're so matter-of-fact about handing it out to the audience. Look at John Oliver and David O'Doherty marching this across the stage like they're workers delivering a coach or something:

- Then the camera shows the cow being crowd surfed. The YouTube comments say: "The Metro cow got smashed in two and crowd surfed over everyone out the back door". In his lyrics, Adam Hills talks about taking it up the Royal Mile. The Royal Mile is the street outside, so all this suggests that they continued to take the cow outside and down the street. Was that part of the challenge? Was the initial plan to take the thing apart and then have it carried through the streets of Edinburgh? How far did this cow go?

- I have so far compared them to video game characters, board game characters, tag-team pretend wrestlers, a mechanic, and delivery workers. But my favourite thing to compare them to is probably at the end, when they celebrate like football players who've just won a big match.

"Great work everyone, good hustle out there, really pulled together as a team. Okay, now hit the showers. I want to see you all dressed and ready for milkshakes in ten minutes flat."

- There is so much going on in this video that I find it easier to not try to focus on it all at once, I have to do one thing and then backtrack. So now that I've gone through the whole video while looking at what the rest of them were doing, I need to backtrack and go over the lyrics to Adam Hills' song.

Question: Did Adam Hills think he was going to have to do this alone, or was he supposed to have Kitson co-MC-ing, but then Kitson jumped in partway through? Because I think the latter may have happened. Kitson was the compere for the whole night, as we see in the montage video.

Adam Hills If you had three chances Would you take them? Or would you quite literally bottle it?

As I said before: don't know what he's talking about there. What got literally bottled? Why three chances?

His palms are sweaty, his hair is sweaty He's ready to shoot spaghetti He's got a cow on stage It's got red horns, it's all the rage

This is veering wildly off topic, but I just want to mention that that Adam Hills got his off the cuff "stage/all the rage" rhyme because he'd heard DO'D use it in a freestyle rap battle with Daniel Kitson, that we know from the montage took place earlier than night (another one of my favourite videos, but we don't have time to go into this one right now):

It's cow tipping, it's not quite shitty Get that cow down in this city Take it up the Royal Mile, attack it with a hammer Kitson's on the stage, he's [?] with a hammer

Again, how far did the cow go? They had clearly planned from the beginning (of this song, at least) to have it out on the Royal Mile. YouTube comments confirm it left the building.

David O'Doherty's going up the ass It's time to fuck this motherfucking class Fuck the udder (x4) Let's get this udder fucking cow out of here

After all the times I've watched this video, this is the first time I've noticed that Adam Hills tried a pun on "mother fucking" there. Glad he's having a good time.

Daniel Kitson Davey, Davey, what you need to do Is combine the chisel and the hammer

Finally, some useful fucking advice.

Adam Hills There's Martin, Demitri Martin The Perrier win has left me smartin'

This was August 26, Hills' song mentions later that it's the last night of Late 'n' Live for that year, so the Perrier Awards had just been given out. In 2003, Demetri Martin won the main award over other nominees: Reginald D. Hunter, Flight of the Conchords, Howard Read and Little Howard, and Adam Hills. Adam Hills, who had also been nominated the previous year, when he lost to Daniel Kitson, and the year before that, when he lost to Garth Marenghi. So he is actually being, as a YouTube comment said, a pretty good sport to jump in and have fun about it. If I were him I'd probably resent losing out an award again and then not even getting to smash shit up.

John Oliver, he's the man If that pipe won't do it, nothing can David O'Doherty, he comes from Ireland, the land of the green Daniel Kitson, he's got a hammer He's also got one motherfucking stammer

I quite enjoy the way no one responds to any of this. Adam Hills starts calling them out by name, including bringing up Kitson's stutter and DO'D nationality and his awards rivalry with Demetri Martin, and none of them even briefly looks at him. They are all very busy and focused on the important task of destroying a cow.

It's time to break this cow down It's time to break this cow down It's not time to chow down It's time to break this cow down

I want this verse embroidered on a throw pillow. Actually, I think I want these entire lyrics printed out and framed on my wall.

Late 'n' Live, Late 'n' Live, it's the very last night It's time to wrap this show up tight Send it out the front, send it out the... [cow breaks apart] Break the cow, break it in half Lead it out the front to the path

Once again, talk of parading this thing around outside the venue. Where were they taking it?

Karen Koren, she's outside She's got petrol dripping down her eyes There was a fire at the Gilded Balloon The police found no one else was to blame If this season doesn't go well This fucking venue's going up in flames

That, of course, is a reference to the Gilded Balloon's history. It burned down in a fire in December 2002. It's now August 2003, and they're in a new venue that was rebuilt nearby. Karen Koren is the venue's owner. I'm pretty sure Adam Hills is implying that she's going to burn down the new venue if the performers don't do well enough. Actually, he's not implying that, he's outright stating it. What he's implying is that she burned down the first venue, presumably for the insurance money, and she is currently outside ready to burn this one down too, if they perform badly enough to make the insurance money worth more than the shows bring in.

The cow's in half, the cow's in half Let's hear it for the cow in half!

This is like that famous poem that was allegedly written by a child about a tiger breaking out of its cage. Sheer poetry.

Tea's gone cold, I'm wondering why I Got out of bed at all The morning sun goes up my window And I can't see at all And even if I could, it'd all be grey But your picture on my wall It reminds me that it's not so bad, it's not so bad

What's interesting about this is that these are the lyrics to Stan, which is a different Eminem song from the one he was (sort of) singing at the beginning, which was lose yourself. This may or may not be related to the fact that Adam Hills is the only person in this performance who was not a member of the Chocolate Milk Gang, which was a group of comedians known for not getting drunk during or after late-night Edinburgh shows.

It may also be related to the fact that this is a clip of the Edinburgh show that Adam Hills had just spent a month performing:

So he had Stan in his head all month anyway, he was on stage and remembered he was supposed to be singing an Eminem song, his brain told him that the Eminem song he sings on stage is Stan. Fair enough.

Though it's worth noting that those aren't the correct lyrics to Stan either. The Eninem song says the clouds come up the window, not the sun. Why would it be all grey and hard to see if the sun came up the window?

Crowd surf the cow, people.

I want all those lyrics printed out in fancy calligraphy font. And ornately framed. And on my wall.

So that's Cowgate, in case anyone wants to know. But this is just stuff I've said before. I said I had a new detail, didn't I? Well here it is:

Who is that man, sat unobtrusively in the background, playing the percussion set? Of course we have no way of knowing, in such low quality video without any clear shots of his face. Or do we? Because here is a screenshot of Flight of the Conchords, sitting on that very cow, earlier in the same night! (We know it was the same night because it was taken from the montage of the whole night, which ended with a second angle on Cowgate.)

Am I wrong? I might be wrong, tell me if you think I'm wrong. But I think that's Jermaine Clement playing percussion back there. Based on the evidence that: He was there that night. He does play the drums. He's a bona fide member of the Chocolate Milk Gang. And he has the same vague outline and shirt colour as the guy in those screenshots. And he was in the background of the Kitson/DO'D battle rap video, playing guitar, so he does sometime play music to accompany other comedians doing weird shit at Late 'n' Live. My new detail is I think Jermaine Clement was on the stage during Cowgate.

It is cool, really. I mean, I'm obviously being vaguely ironic by treating this late-night comedy show stunt as a vitally important mysterious ritual. But I genuinely think that what happened there is fucking cool, if you look at all those people being on one stage doing something so stupid together, and then consider where they all went after that.

And if Jermaine Clement was there, that just adds to it. The variety and international breadth of all the different comedy careers all in one place just as they were on the cusp of taking off. I mean, by plenty of definitions some had taken off already, but they have all taken off significantly more since then. Almost as though on one night in 2003, they all sacrificed a cow to the gods of success and it worked. Of the main five people involved in the sacrifice rituals, there are three Perrier Awards (Kitson, DO'D, Demetri Martin - though to be fair two of those were won before Cowgate happened so I guess we can't attribute it to the sacrifice), an MBE (Hills), and a shitload of Emmys (Oliver). Which I think they should all bring in for the prize task of the Taskmaster episode that I imagine with those five as the contestants (it's okay, I think this is worth setting racial and gender representation on panel shows back by 20 years), the studio task is to take a cow apart, the winner gets all the trophies.

That's a lot of countries. The Australian Adam Hills, the British Daniel Kitson, the American Demetri Martin, the Irish David O'Doherty, the Kiwi Jermaine Clement, and the now-British/American John Oliver. All with wildly different types of careers. All, for different reasons, among my favourite comedians. I have seen or heard all of the official video or audio stand-up releases by all six of those people (and possibly 1 or 2 or several hundred or so unofficial ones as well). And not because of this video or anything, I sought them out because those are among my favourites and then they were all on stage doing this unhinged thing together.

It's the great mystery of my lifetime, I still want to know where the fuck they got that cow. And I'm genuinely annoyed that I won't be able to see the stage where it happened when I go to Edinburgh this year, but it's all right, I'll look at the outside.

If I ever get to meet any of these people, this is the first question I'm asking. No I don't need to know anything else about your career, just please tell me, what the fuck was going on with that fucking cow in 2003?

[theminecraftbee]

2ND-5 LOG 0001

Is this thing working?

Oh, it is! Uh, neat. New body, and it was exciting to find out it took debug logs, but I wasn’t, uh, certain how to get them to work? You know how it is when we’re… yeah.

Anyway, not totally sure… what’s going on. Know what my goal is. There are artifacts in the vault. Collect them all! Haven’t really… I mean, I sort of also know what a skyblock is, but I haven’t done one of those in… gosh, time’s uh, pretty hard, actually. Anyway, wild I know what I’m doing, because I’m not totally sure… how I got here? But I like… know what I’m doing, sort of. Maybe. I mean, it’s survival skyblock. Everyone knows how that works, right?

This thing I’m possessing this time at least seems to have some useful functions. Doesn’t tell me when the vault rock thingies are done though. Learned that the hard way. Needs to not just be big but, uh, have pointy bits. Yeah.

Anyway, when I pictured vaults, I pictured running around and grabbing stuff from chests! Did not realize a handful of dirt and like five spruce saplings would be the most valuable things I’d get for a while. Those saplings have provided, uh… days? Days of entertainment. Cutting them, uh, you know, down, and…

I have respawn here. Yep. Tested it both ways. A lot. Tested it both ways a lot. Did you know I also have corpses here? That was weird. They seem to go away after a bit at least because otherwise the platform beneath the trees. Oh boy. Super glad that, uh, I still have control of this thing when I respawn, because, uh, slightly… clumsy. Yeah. Let’s call it that.

I should probably build something that isn’t a giant flag spruce square honestly but the square is easy and I cannot emphasize enough that all I have to my name is spruce and some tools that are. A bit. Bad…

Hm. I mean. Bit of a predicament, right? But the good news is that this thing can record logs! Hope they’re sending to someone who’ll, uh, pick me up? I mean uh. Probably there’s. You know. Whoever gets…

Anyway. Right. Food and water. Despite the fact this thing is a robot I am not and we’ll need food and water. That’s the next step. I cannot keep jumping into the void instead of eating forever. I’ll uh…

…can I just keep doing that forever? Might be easier than. Hm. Worth… considering…

Anyway, I guess that’s all I have. That’s—what’s the name on this thing? It said it at the start of the… no, I’m not going by that. Second… five? Second fifth? Whatever. That’s me signing off for today. Uh. Yep.

How do I make this thing stop I probably should have focused on basic controls of this thing instead of jumping into that portal three times but listen I just had to know and OH HEY THAT’S—