#Being so long by myself and thrown myself into situations: I rediscovered my strengths and work I should still perform on myself

[book-place]

Hey Brother

Warnings: crisis on infinite earths spoilers, cursing (come on it’s Jason, what do you expect?), hints of character death, end of the freaking world, let me know if I missed any :)

Pairings: Batfamily x sister reader

*not my gif*

Summary: Family strengths are always proven in the worst situations

A/N: The batfamily’s perspective on Crisis on Infinite Earths (Arrowverse) so technically it doesn’t have to be read as a batfam fic but that’s what I’m gonna put it under; yes, I know this is shit- it’s cause I wrote it at 12:00 am and wouldn’t let myself go to bed until I published; and it’s kinda repetitive and short- sorry

Inspired by: Hey Brother by Avicii

Please don’t plagiarize my work, you may reblog if you like but I’m asking that you don’t steal my hard work

Hey brother, there’s an endless road to rediscover

“Dad!” You screamed at the top of your lungs, running through the streets full of chaos, searching with wide and wild eyes for your father.

Everybody was running around in sheer horror and panic, not sure of what was going on.

“Y/n!” He screamed back as soon as his eyes landed on you from across the road.

Neither of you cared that you were revealing each other’s identities by now as you ripped off your masks and ran to each other as fast as you could.

You hurdled yourself into his arms and he caught you with ease, “What’s happening?” You sobbed into his chest, wincing as if you could physically feel the pain of every person that let out a scream of terror from all around you.

He glanced up at the sky, “I don’t know.” He whispered in such a broken voice that it made your heart shatter into thousands of more pieces.

Only moments ago the sky hadn’t had a cloud in the bright blue endlessness, and within twenty seconds the entire thing had turned red without any explanation.

It had taken not even five seconds for the temperature to rise at a rate that was too fast to be normal, and by then it had to be well over a hundred degrees Fahrenheit when moments ago it had been only in the sixties.

Nobody had known what to do so everyone was thrown into a state of panic.

Hey sister, know the waters sweet but blood is thicker

“Y/n! Bruce!” Tim’s voice reached your ears over all the other sounds and you and your father both whipped in the same direction to where your third oldest brother was running through the crowds to try and get to the two of you.

His bo staff had disappeared from his grip, mask most likely long ago discarded, eyes wide, highlighting the dark bags under them more than normal.

As he came to a skidding halt in front of the two of you, you took note of the way he doubled over and began gasping for breath, indicating that he had run very far to find somebody- anybody- in the family to figure out what was going on.

Bruce placed a hand on Tim’s shoulder, looking at him in worry, “Tim? Are you okay?”

He nodded, panting slightly still and he looked around in a weird confusion, “Nobody even cares about our identities.”

Looking around, you realized he was right, everybody was in too much of a frenzy to even care, let alone notice that their local masked vigilantes were standing before them, now unmasked.

Oh, if the sky comes falling down, for you, there’s nothing in this world I wouldn’t do

“What the fucking hell is going on?” Jason’s voice rang out from behind the three of you, causing you guys to jump slightly and turn around the face the black haired man.

“Jay.” You sighed in relief, rushing over and giving your older brother a hug, a small weight being lifted off your shoulders when you see him alive and well.

As he wrapped his arms around you tightly, he looked over your head at his adopted father and younger brother, silently asking them the same question again.

“We don’t know.” Bruce whispered, clearly not having meant for his own voice to come out that softly.

He nodded in understanding, holding you to his chest tighter as he stealthily glanced up at the sky, hoping with every bone in his body that his family didn’t see the nerves he was so desperately trying to hide.

Hey brother, do you still believe in one another?

Then, you quickly pulled away from Jason and your face became paler than it already was, breathing picking up, “Where’s Dick and Damain?” Your voice came out rushed.

You watched helplessly as the rest of your family paled as well, coming to the realization that the eldest and youngest of the siblings were not in fact with them.

“We need to find them.” Though it was supposed to be a statement, your voice came out in a begging way as your eyes shot between the three others faces.

Bruce didn’t even hesitate to nod in agreement, closely followed by the other two.

With that, the group of you turned on your heels and began weaving through the crowd, running against them, as you made your way back to the manor, the last location that you knew them to be at.

Hey sister, do you still believe in love, I wonder

By the time your home came into view, the streets were practically deserted as everybody fled Gotham, hoping beyond hope that whatever was going on in that city wouldn’t be going on in others.

That place that you had called home for so long had never looked menacing to you, but now, looking at it with the blood red sky in the background, you couldn’t help but swallow slightly in fear.

Even from a distance, you could see the front doors open and two figures step out, clearly having been waiting for your arrival, and you broke away from the rest of your family, sprinting towards Damian and Dick.

As soon as you were close enough, you threw your arms around your oldest and youngest brother, letting out a small sob, doing everything in your power to block out the terrible thoughts you had been having on the way here. Ones where the two of them were long gone.

They both hugged you back, sharing a glance over your shoulder before looking over the rest of your family.

“Father.” Damian stepped forward after gently releasing you, “What is the meaning of this?” His normal demanding tone not faltering, even in a time like this, as he gestured to the sky above them.

“I wish we knew, Dami.” He answered sadly, this time exchanging a look with his eldest son, unsure of what else there was to say.

“Come on,” Nightwing spoke up softly, “We already turned the air condition on, let’s just go inside for now and figure out what to do.”

Oh if the sky comes falling down

With a broken sigh, Bruce hung up the phone and looked to his left, ignoring the tears that began to pool up in his eyes.

Clark had just called to inform the man that the same thing was happening to him in Metropolis and everyone else in the Justice League in their respective cities and towns, and apparently there was nothing that could be done about it. It was destroying the earth at an impossible rate in an impossible way.

He watched through glassy eyes as you snuggled closer to Jason’s side on the couch despite the heat, leaning your head on his shoulder as you talked to Damian who sat on the ground beside you. Dick and Tim were in chairs opposite to you three, listening and joining in on the conversation about who knows what.

How was he supposed to tell his own children that the world was ending, and this time he could do absolutely nothing to stop it. To protect them.

As he took a shaky step into the room, whatever talking had been happening came to a halt and suddenly five pairs of eyes were on the man, “What did Uncle Clark say?” You spoke up, already judging the answer by the look on his face.

Another uneven breath escaped the Wayne man’s mouth as he looked down at the ground, “I’m sorry.” He whispered.

When he glanced up, the heartbroken and terrified looks on all five of his children's faces shook him to the core and he was certain that it would forever be engraved as a haunted memory in his mind.

But forever wouldn’t even be a thing for him. Not with what was to come within the next hour according to Superman.

For you, there’s nothing in this world I wouldn’t do

Quickly standing up, you rushed over to your adopted father and brought him into a comforting hug, ignoring your own tearfilled eyes and tried and take a moment to be there for Bruce.

Your siblings closely followed, making it the first family group hug that you all had in years, and in that moment you knew that it would be your last and you couldn’t help but wonder why you didn’t all do it more often.

So that’s where you all stood, in the middle of the Wayne- Grayson- Todd- Drake- L/N- manor living room. A room that held so many memories. Good and bad.

When you took your first steps. When Dick broke his arm trying to do a backflip off a bookshelf. When Tim was sleep deprived and thought that a car was parked in it. When Jason and Damian decided to finally get along for once and decorate the room for your birthday, which may or may not have ended in them getting glitter everywhere.

Every room, hall, bathroom, and closet in there held a memory of some kind that came from having a family like this one.

One that fought all the time and never saw eye to eye, but would always be there for each other at the end of the day. No matter what.

Batfamily Taglist: @ineedmorefanfics2 @sambucky8 @spidyyparker

[lunasilvis]

Of course it would be too much to ask of life to stay this way, but I keep the peace. I keep the gratitude. I keep the childlike gaze at the world: known terrain or somewhere faraway. I keep the big smile at animals, children, old people. I keep on keeping on. I keep life within me and around me, always.

/Thoughtpool

/Faro 18/05

[kiki-free917]

Purpose & Promises

It’s in the hard times where you have to lean on the Lord most. I’ve found that to be more true than ever this year. Senior year has been one heck of a roller coaster — full of ups & downs, twists & turns, but I’m 100% convinced that Jesus has been along for the ride. The reality of senior year is that it’s DEFINITELY not like High School Musical 3, no matter how people shape it up to be. For me, it’s been a growing experience & without it, I wouldn’t need Jesus. If I’m being completely honest, my heart has never been so sad but so assured that God is good. I’ve had my fair share of various seasons & hardships, but my trials from this year have caused me to lean on Him more than ever before. I’ve been backstabbed, bruised, hurt, rejected by people I never expected, mentally but not physically alone, & allowed my thoughts, feelings, & emotions to hinder & get the best of me. I’ve felt like parts of me have been missing but also rediscovering & finding myself for who the Lord has made me to be. Throughout this past semester & presently, I’ve been in the process of starting over, recovering & mending the brokenness from a long friendship, & often doubting & questioning whether or not the Lord is there & listening. It’s been hard for me to hear & see Jesus’ promises through the pain I’ve been controlled & consumed by, but the Voice of Truth has been in the back of my mind saying “You’re never alone. I’m always here. Let Me show you what I have in store.” Choosing to love & forgive those who have hurt you is DIFFICULT — but Jesus has been reminding me that He loves & forgives us each & everyday. Taking steps towards freedom & healing is HARD, but Jesus has been reminding me that there is a greater reward & He will never abandon or lead me astray. Pain is definitely not pretty, but the amount of pain I’ve felt has made me desperate for Jesus & chase hard & fast after His presence & guidance. Most days, I’ve come home crushed & crying & feeling worthless, but the joy & sweetness I’ve tasted has been the best gift & completely worth it. He’s closed doors & opened new ones, provided a caring, comforting, compassionate community through the crying, & taken things that seemed good & fulfilling away to show me that He is my Best Friend, holds me in the palm of His hand, & has a plan that is so much better & satisfying. Regardless of how much I’ve tried to control myself, my situation, or others, He’s changed things to ultimately & radically change me, my perspective, & heart. I’ve been quick to doubt His goodness, faithfulness, & purpose, but it’s in those dark, messy moments where He shifts my focus & reminds me to not throw in the towel because there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Finding joy & strength takes persistence, but Jesus promises that we will rise again if we rest in His embrace. He turns our mourning into dancing & His power is made perfect in our weakness. He doesn’t want us to bear our burdens or take on our mess alone because He went through unimaginable pain for us & paid the price on the cross. He is closer than a breath, full of power, never leaves us alone to suffer, & meets us exactly where we are. God provides pain for a greater plan & purpose. It requires patience & perseverance, but sometimes He takes us on a detour to help us remember that He’s our healer, our rescuer, our Savior — He longs for us to surrender & come out of the fire & war better & stronger than before. He’s always there to listen, but if you really lean in He always has some pretty sweet things to say no matter how much we stray & despite all the lies that are thrown our way. I’ve felt unloved, unwanted, unimportant, unknown, like a failure, & so much more — but one thing I know for sure is that I’m known & cherished exactly as I am by my Father. His love, acceptance, & approval should be the only thing that matters. He carries & holds me close, meets my needs, sees beauty behind the brokenness, & tells me loud & clear that I am His daughter, a fighter, overcomer, & no longer a prisoner or captive to sin, shame, & fear. He calls us enough & never gives us anything we aren’t capable of conquering. He passionately & persistently pursues us & makes it better by walking through the muck & mire together. Believe me, I have & still am learning that life with Jesus isn’t always easy. It’s hard & rocky, but Jesus is steady, trustworthy, & assures victory. Embrace the hills & valleys because there’s a ton of freedom & fun to be found if we take joy & run with it!!! “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:2-4

[rememberthepastme]

4/5/20

Welp, the coronavirus has shut down the entire world and my mental state has been absolutely fucked. This semester was supposed to be my easier semester, only taking 4 classes with most of them being fun ones, but instead it’s been extremely difficult for me. As always, it seems. I think I had this grand dream of this semester being the one to finally make me happy, what with being able to pursue my own interests more and have more free time, but instead it’s solidified that I indeed have a mental illness; one that I have little control over. I’m still depressed. Having more free time did not change that.

Still, the semester was going better than the last, until I was forced to go home. Being with my family has been an entirely different set of challenges than the ones I faced in college. More and more, I’m noticing patterns in my family that have made me the way I am. While I’ve certainly become more aware of my own feelings and the processes behind them through therapy, it’s also made me more emotionally intelligent to my family, and it’s becoming harder and harder not to blame them for the way I’ve turned out. My parents have this idea, one that’s so ingrained into us that I didn’t even realize it wasn’t the norm until I began therapy, that you must always being doing something. Anything less than 100% productivity at all times is a sign of weakness, of laziness. And we get punished accordingly for it. When I first started in therapy, I hated the idea of blaming anyone for my depression (except for myself), but being with my family these past few weeks has turned me. I’m going insane here with them. I’m not the same person I was in high school; living on my own has made me realize that I only got through those times because my parent’s motivation became my own, and I was left with nothing at all for the things I wanted. In college, one of my big challenges has been learning to motivate myself without them, but now that I’m back home I feel like I’ve thrown all of that out the window since my family won’t accept those things, like taking time to myself or simply doing nothing as self care. But I can’t return to the way I was in high school because then I simply buried my feelings and ignored them, which only led to more anguish. I don’t know what to do, and I feel like shit because I’m fighting with my family so much about time and yet when I do have time to myself, I can’t muster up the motivation to work anyways. But no matter, my family will just think I’m lazy.

What’s exacerbated these issues is that my family is moving currently, so there is indeed a lot of work to be done and they’re not wrong in asking for my help, but the way they do leads me to feel worse than I have all semester. A week ago, last Sunday, I cried myself to sleep for the first time. It took all my strength to bring myself to call a friend for help, and all I could think about was how my parents would never know. Now, I think to myself that were the situation ever to arise, I could sometime use that as a weapon against my parents, as if it validates that I truly am depressed. My parents don’t understand emotions, but they do understand physical events, and while depression is a feeling, crying myself to sleep is physical, so it’s proof of my mental illness to them (and me) in some twisted way.

The final nail in the coffin for me was the discovery of an old journal, from long before I started this blog. It was the old rainbow one, the one I wrote in around 10-13 years old, when I was moving to India. I was going through all my old notes and things I had saved in my room, since I was packing them up, when I found it. Of course, I began reading through it for the comedy of the cringy things I had written all those years ago. Some of it was quite funny, but around halfway through I found the folded page. I remembered how I had had some very personal thoughts and didn’t want anyone reading them, so I labelled the page accordingly and folded it as a warning. At the time of reading, I thought that the personal thoughts I had written there was about Avery, the crush I had in elementary school or something similarly juvenile. However, I was horrified to discover that what I had actually written was how terribly sad and depressed I was feeling, at age 10! At first I couldn’t believe that I had misremembered so horribly since I had no memory of feeling the way I do now back then, and took it as a bad day and nothing more. But as I continued through the journal, more and more entries appeared using the exact same word. “Depressed”. Spanning 3 years, around 5 or 6 entries all talking about the same thing. You would think something so major would burn itself into memory, yet I didn’t remember any of it. And the straw to break the camel’s back: the very last entry in the journal. A story I had dreamed up about the end of the world. One in which every single character died at the end, but somehow through the story were going to find peace with their inevitable deaths. At age 10, I had the exact same fantasies/intrusive thoughts I get today. Fuck.

As I sat there reading the idea, I noticed a small note at the bottom about including a dream I had had about an elevator to heaven. While I still don’t remember that specific one, many, many more began to flood back to me. Dreams about heaven that was like a hotel in the clouds, a heaven that was like a school, being shot and watching my family grieve, and so many more I’ve probably forgotten. All of my dreams are vivid and unique, and tend not to follow patterns, so how could I have forgotten such a major trend? I always wondered what repressed trauma really meant, but now I feel like I’m beginning to understand it. I literally forgot about my own feelings for at least 3 years of my life, probably more. Rediscovering all of that, on top of everything else, was what led to me cry myself to sleep for the first time.

Hopefully I get to go back to school or an internship soon.