#BlogTherapy

[thejourneyofastrangerlife]

Weekend Chronicles: A Heavy Heart in a Full House

Today marks the fourth weekend of the month. Like most weekends, I started my morning with chores. My mother-in-law wanted to do some grocery shopping and, as usual, asked my husband to take her. I was, once again, the last person to be informed — if informed at all.

I didn’t go. I’ve learned to remove myself from situations that only leave me feeling invisible. Between the two of them, I become background noise, and that feeling of being ignored by my own husband is unbearable. Instead of getting into another argument about it, I stayed behind. This has become my solution — let them do as they please, and I’ll stay out of the way.

My husband seems to prioritize his mother over me, and while I understand the bond they share, I often feel like I’m just here to complete his marital status — a symbol, not a partner.

He left, and I remained at home with his father. Surprisingly, he asked me to make coffee with the beans he had just bought. It was a small gesture, but to me, it felt so warm — like a rare flicker of connection in this house.

Later, I walked into my husband’s office room and considered turning on the AC. But a voice inside me hesitated. Will they think I’m freeloading again? That’s what his mother thinks of me, after all. So I asked my father-in-law if it was okay.

He looked puzzled and said, “Why are you asking me? This is your home too. You don’t need permission.” I nearly cried. But instead, I smiled. In that moment, I was just grateful — that at least one person in this house sees me as a human being with a place in it.

When they returned from grocery shopping, I helped unload and unpack everything into the kitchen. My husband ran straight to his favorite spot — the bathroom — leaving me to continue helping, even watching his niece for two hours while his mother and sister went to the gym. I didn’t mind helping. But it stings when no one sees my effort. He plays his game all weekend while I fill in the gaps, entertain his family, and hold it all together. Do they even realize that?

Later in the evening, after dinner, everyone gathered in the living area. I went to the kitchen to tidy up a bit, then headed to my room to rest for a moment. But not long after, I heard the loud sounds of pots and pans — my mother-in-law had started her nightly spring-cleaning routine again.

I didn’t go out. Not out of disrespect, but because I was exhausted — physically and emotionally. I couldn't even rest without feeling anxious that I was somehow doing something wrong. She’s like a machine: cooking, hitting the gym, then scrubbing the kitchen spotless. And at the end of it, I always feel the burn of her frustration — like I’m her emotional punching bag.

I pray I don’t turn into that when I’m older. I just want peace. A life that’s calm and kind.

And then, as if the day hadn’t already drained me, I had another argument with my husband. I confronted him about his constant distractions — his gaming, his lack of presence, his disconnection from his work, his company, his goals. I asked where he saw himself in five years.

Instead of answering, he turned it on me — again. That’s what he always does. Twists my words, avoids accountability, and tries to guilt-trip me. “Look at yourself,” he said. “No job, no money.” Just like that — as if my value can be reduced to those two things.

I'm not writing this to shame him. I'm writing this with anger, frustration, and disappointment — because I don’t know how else to release it. I give, and give, and give. I bend myself over backward to make this marriage work, to support him, his family, this house.

I just hope… one day… he sees it. "A woman doesn’t want much from a man — just his heart, his time, his honesty, and his effort. But when even that feels like too much to ask, her silence will say what her words never could."

[ucancallmegina]

When Donnie said "After you've done all you can....

JUST STAND!... well I've been standing and I just can't get my balance together which is ironic because I am a Libra and that's what Im suppose to be about... is balance. Its been a little over 2 weeks now since I was let go from my job and 2 years since the malarkey with the job that brought me to Durham in the first place and the one thing that I have been trying to avoid is having to move back home. I have been in Durham for 7 years and although I don't get out much like I may want to I really like it here. I have been applying for jobs even before I knew my contract was gonna be up but at the same time, in the back of my mind and from co workers, 2 years-- I would be a shoe in! I was constantly getting told the " I started as a contractor as well, and look at me now" stories....which in some way, I have a glimpse of hope that maybe I would get hired-- too bad that wasn't the case. Every opportunity I applied for, comes back like that 'return to sender' mail that someone sent back that doesn't want to hear from you. "We appreciate you applying, but we have decided to go with a 'stronger candidate' ".... Stronger Candidate-- I don't know about ya'll but that can make anyone feel inadequate. Although I'm sure that is not the intention however it doesn't take away how it feels. I'm not really sure what is up next as there are so many things that run through my mind on daily basis regarding my current situation and how to get things back to a certain state to things I want pursue and revise but has to be put on hold. The motto is "Never let them see you sweat"... which has been in process more than ever. I have just gotten to a point where, I just don't respond. Not to be rude but, if I know I can't do anything, what's the point in entertaining the idea. Maybe that's not the right thing to do but at the same time, its a way for me to avoid questions and having to explain, as some of it I can't explain. Lately, if I'm being honest, feel out of my element, out of place and just behind. Certain aspects of my life, I am super selective on who I talk to about thing that go on with me as I just have this constant thing that I will get judged or looked at a certain way, lectured even vs being guided in sense. Ultimately, it scares me-- I feel like once I get in a vulnerable space, and express what is bothering me or my current issues it'll be something that I will regret speaking about. I honestly, don't know where it comes from to be real-- but I guess that just what some people would say "That's what therapy is for".... and I would say "hey, you may be right about that! " It's been YEARS since I have been in this situation. What is ironic about this is, the previous job I was let go from is the job that started me in this career back in 2015/2016 with the same employer. When that contract was coming to an end, I applied to the opportunity in Durham. 5 years in, and it all came crashing down-- back to figuring out what's next, how to make ends meet, making a plan and back to the drawing board. Within a week, an opportunity came up for the same position back in 2015/2016 for the same company. At that time, I applied for a full term position then, and was passed up and this go round, nothing was offered b/c nothing was available. Being back in this spot just brings back the stress, anxiety and the 'do what you need to/gotta do' mentality. I am constantly trying to stay optimistic and in prayer that things are gonna work out for the better, but like any other person, I have moments of 'what the fuck' ... tears and doubts set in and at times there are glimmers of okay, somethings are looking up but at this point in the game, I have to start making sacrifices/decisions in order to either remain where I am or make moves that are better accommodated for me in this current time.

I know this is stuff that I shouldn't hold on to, keeping to myself but again, there's that fear-- judgement, having to ask for help, which is something I'm not a fan of... I don't if that's a Libra thing or just a me thing or something else, Im not deep diving about it but its definitely something. It sucks to be in a situation where there are things you can't do unless is free, unable to splurge a bit like I use to-- it was nothing fancy to begin with but it was comfortable for me. Not being able to solidify being able to do things, go places is frustrating as you never want to be the one where you have to depend or ask ppl to look out for you. Even writing this, my mind is training my heart to be optimistic, believe and trust the process. Donnie said, "after you've done all you can, you just stand" ... I'm working on it and that's what I want to continue to do, stand on my own two as I have been doing since I was 19/20 years old.

I moved out at that age with no car and manage to make it to work, pay rent.. when I finally got a car, I had two jobs and built from there. Had some of the same issue I have now, then but not like this-- being in another city, having to come up with a plan to stay afloat without moving backwards. At this point, I am just hoping that something changes for the better but prepare for the change... and that's folks, has been August lately...

[journeywithmeangryhuman]

FiveDollarMeltdown

Subscribe to get access We finally made the last payment on my wife’s New car! Although she would seldom make her payments on time (I would make the payment, and she would give me her half of the obligation) she still managed to make them. I am proud of her for keeping her end of the bargain. And now for the rant, because you knew it was coming: It must be nice to have a brand-new car for only…

[jadedgypsylove]

Hello. This is Jaded Gypsy Love, a platform I use for my cataloged items in introduction to my Wix platform. A journey I look forward to sharing with others and building a collective of unbiased and impartial individuals.

I actively use my intuition for path considerations and use problem solving humor to direct through tough spaces and release and harbored anger over past results.

#blogtherapy

[dclaurice]

The One Where She Tells The Truth

I was raised in a religious household. Strict Pentecostal. No makeup, no cutting your hair, no wear shirts that didn’t cover your arms, or pants. You had to dress modest, meaning skirts that hit the knee and were shapeless. We went to church every Wednesday, Friday and Sunday, but that isn’t where this story begins.

This truth begins in high school. I grew up with three girls A, S, and D, who also happened to go to the same church. They were everything I wished I was, but also never wanted to be. A was outrageous. She was always in trouble for something and couldn’t keep her mouth shut. I admired her courage to be herself no matter what. S was repressed. Her mom was extremely strict, and barely let her out of her sight, and was always on her about her appearance. Finally, there was D. She was the worst of all. She had a bad attitude and thought she was the shit. She had it worse than anyone. Her Aunt was extremely strict and since this all took place before it was frowned up to “spank” your children. D would get regularly beaten anytime she did something remotely wrong. 

These girls were supposedly my best friends. Now before I continue with this story, it’s important for me to tell you that I am adopted. My mother gave me up on two separate occasions. The first time was deliberate and included my brother and sister. The second time, it was more like she had forgotten my existence and just never came back. I tell you this so that you can understand that when I met these girls, I just wanted friends. I wanted someone to like me. I wanted to feel like I belonged and that someone cared, because for the better part of the beginning of my life, in my head, I was worthless and something was wrong me. Otherwise, why would my mother not want me. 

Flash forward to high school and we start to notice boys. I say we in a loose sense of the word. At this point in my life, I had had so many bad interactions with foster brothers, I didn’t actually care to deal with boys, but you do what you have to in order to fit in. Each of these girls was boy crazy in their own way, but S really took home the cake. She and I were closer than the other girls. I would spend weekends at her house. Help her with her paper route in the mornings, we would talk about clothes and talk about futures and being able to go shopping anytime we want. She met a boy freshman year and started bringing him to church. Her parents would pick him up and they would all arrive together. It started out really innocent, a few sneaky kisses here and there. Normal teenage stuff. A few months after she met him, she asked if I would sit in the middle of the van, so that they could share the backseat. I didn’t think anything of it, until I looked back and she had covered her lap with his jacket and his right hand was nowhere to be seen. 

It didn’t last much longer after that, he got bored with not getting anymore action and he stopped coming around. After that, things seemingly went back to normal. I had just gotten my drivers license, and had been working my first job at Burger king for awhile, so I started picking her up on Saturday’s and going to the mall. One day while shopping, she tells me she needs to run to the bathroom and she will be right back. Twenty minutes passes by and she finally comes back and tells me she met someone coming out of the bathroom and she got held up talking to him. Again no big deal, we continue our day and once done shopping, calls her mom to ask if she can spend the night at my house and come with me to church Sunday morning. 

That night around 10:30, she leaves my bedroom and I hear the slider open and someone comes in. I go out to see what is going on and she introduces the person she met at the mall. She’s invited him to my house, without telling me and asks me to stay in my room, while they hang out. This continues on for months, sometimes he comes to my house, sometimes she sneaks out to see him and comes back late in the morning and other times, she just completely ditches me at the mall and I spend hours shopping by myself until she has the courtesy to come back.

It’s not until she ends up pregnant that she realizes she’s in trouble. Not only because, the baby’s dad basically abandoned her, but also because her Mom is going to be pissed. She makes up a story and tries to pass of the pregnancy as not her fault. I won’t repeat what that story is, because I am sure you can all guess. Anyway, life goes on. She has the baby and we attempt to get back to normal life. As normal as life can be when one of you is a teenage mother. We start going back to the mall and about 6 months after the baby is born, the pattern starts again. Another man she has met at the mall, has been invited to my house. Only this time when she ditches me, I am left watching her baby, or taking care of him in my room while she fucks him in the other. 

I give you all of this background to tell you two things. During this time all of their mothers/guardians think I am the bad influence. They think that I am the one flirting with boys, they think that I am the trouble maker and basically use me as a scapegoat to believe that their daughters are just the ones getting caught and I am just so good at being sneaky to get caught. And I let them believe it, because it’s better than the alternative. It’s better than sticking up for myself and having these girls hate me, because during that time they loved me. I kept everyone of their dirty little secrets. I never shared a damn thing. When they would talk about sex and the different positions, I would pretend I knew what I was talking about and share my favorite position, even though I had never actually had sex and wouldn’t have sex for the first time until I went away for college. 

To this day their parents still believe that I was the bad influence. Even though S has three children with three different men, A has 5 children with different men and D is working on child 6 or 7, I’ve lost count with as many different men. Yet here I am with no kids and living my best life. This is not to say that you can’t do that with kids, because you definitely can. This is just to say that I am the one that was influenced by them. I was the one pressured to be more forward with guys, I was the one pressured to fit in and in this group pressured to fit in meant doing things you may not have always wanted to do. 

I write this mostly to finally get it off my chest. To rid myself of the weight of this. This post is therapeutic in a way because for so long I have hated that part of my life. Absolutely loathed the pathetic way I wanted to fit in, but recently have been reminded that I have come a long way. I have done some good things with my life and will continue to do good things. I just have to love myself for who I am now and appreciate what brought me here. 

[caitlinevanson]

Link in the bio! New stories. New inspiration. New faces and places. #blogtherapy #barcelonarehearsal

[hairnerd-blog1]

Is anyone reading this?

It has been quite some time since my last post. Honestly, I didn’t think anyone was actually reading. Also, I wanted to create a blog that kept it real, but was still positive and uplifting. I stopped because I found myself only wanting to write when I was feeling down or feeling defeated. Although it is therapeutic to write when I am not feeling my best, it just is not what I wanted this to be. 

Well, it was brought to my attention that there are people out there that are following me and wanting the updates. This really took me by surprise. So I apologize that I ditched all of my blogging efforts. 

There is no conclusive update to give. Tomorrow, I am going in for my six week check up with my doctor since I received the stem cell injection. By now, I am supposed to feel some type of difference, right? There is no difference. Not even in the slightest. I am sick of only posting the negatives, but right now there really isn’t much positive to share. I am looking for a job in the beauty industry that doesn’t require me to be behind the chair at a salon. This is proving to be so much more difficult than I ever imagine. Saying that I am discouraged at this point doesn’t even begin to describe what I am going through. I am feeling so lost and so hopeless. I know I will figure it all out and everything will work out for the best. But for now, in this moment, I am feeling defeated. I hope I have more positive/uplifting things to share soon! My plan is to start putting tutorials and videos together to post to finally make my blog what I have wanted it to be from the start. 

If you are reading this, now you understand (I think) what is going and where I have been. I don’t need anyone’s sympathy/anyone to feel bad for me. Life is full of obstacles and right now I’m just scraping through it. I said I would be raw, unfiltered me. Here it is.

[boricuatuits]

San Juan is always a good idea. #AdultSummerCamp 😆 #Summer2019 #blogtherapy #dellygalblog @ Old San Juan P.R http://bit.ly/2KMsXP3 | June 13, 2019 at 04:42PM

[journeywithmeangryhuman]

Facebook Fiasco

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Subscribe to get full access My first exposure to social media was Myspace. I’m certain this is true for almost anyone. I think there was a platform called High5 or something like that. I tried them for a while, but Myspace seemed to dominate, so I stayed with them until they fell off. Facebook emerged and took over as the number one social media platform. Google came out with their platform and…

[arumpunya]

young forever: how far we have come

august 13 2018

for the most part ,, i feel deeply connected to bts because i can relate to their struggles in the past .. i didnt have much either growing up .. all i am now ,, all i have now ,, everything came from much hardships and struggles ..

i was never the top student .. hardly ever showed any talents .. i was a shy scared little girl with no confidence whatsoever .. i was the quiet passive one in the group ,, and maybe thats why i got bullied a lot .. for appearing as a slow kid ,, i guess because i never said anything people thought id get fooled very easily .. because i am so slow and wouldnt notice anything .. but i did .. and it taught me a lot ..

i didnt understand then ,, but i do now .. that we shouldnt judge someone just based on what we think we see .. when i was being cheated on every game ,, i saw everything .. i didnt say anything and just let people think whatever they like ..

i observe then make my assessment .. it became a habit until now that i know immediately which kind of people i have to keep close and which i have to stay away from .. without confronting them ,, i just keep my distance ..

this is the reason i only have a small number of people believing in me .. i never showed my wildcards to just anyone .. i never seek attention ,, i stay away from the spotlight .. im just a little chameleon going along with the current .. invisible ..

i am my biggest motivator .. i told myself every day to never stop trying ,, never stop dreaming ,, never stop believing … that one day all of these would be paid off .. one day people would start to notice what i do .. one day id make myself and everyone proud of what i can do ..  

each and every hardship struggles failures and roadblocks became another motivation to success .. growing up i heard more discouragements than encouragements from many people around me .. but i always told myself to prove them wrong later .. when the time comes i will prove them wrong .. when the time comes they will see me strive ..

all i have right now i can only dream of as a little girl .. i have come so far but the fight is not over .. i will never forget where i came from but i will continue to grow taller .. reaching higher goals .. keeping the leap of faith .. that if we believe in something ,, anything is possible ..

learning bts history and where they came from reminds me of my own journey .. and i believe everyone is the same .. we all have those fight within ourselves ,, when we want to reach a dream but not even knowing how ,, yet all the people around us keep belittling us .. bts taught us to never give up .. even when people are throwing shits at them ,, they keep doing them ..

just do what you do .. all the haters are gonna hate no matter what you do .. so keep doing you ..

epiphany

[lady-castiel-winchester]

An Introduction: Why I Want To Blog :-)

As this is my first blog post ever, I think the best way to go about things is to make a little introduction to who I am and why I’m writing this.

My name is E. I’m 32 years old. I have a wonderful family, which includes my father (who is the best man I know), his marvelous wife, my mother (who lives much to far away for my taste), and her amazing wife. I’m sure I’ll be talking about each of them and their impacts on my life in later posts.

I also have the best husband a woman could ask for. He is kind, loving, supportive, and best of all, he makes me laugh an is just as geeky as I am! (It doesn’t hurt that he’s a hottie IMHO)

This blog is really meant for one thing, to discuss my younger brother A, and the impact his cancer diagnoses and eventual death when we were both children had on my life.

As a disclaimer, I want it known these are my memories and feelings that are going to be discussed, so the viewpoint is understandably skewed.

Know off the bat that through everything, my parents did the best they could for both my brother and me in VERY difficult circumstances. Despite any negative feelings I may express about my childhood, I know I was loved very much, by many people. I have had a very good life, and I know so many people have it so much worse. But, I hope by putting out there what happened and my feelings about it all, I can unburden myself a bit, and possibly help others who have gone through similar things.

So, there is my short introduction to me. Soon I will post more about A and his amazing, but too short life. My feelings and thoughts will come after that.

Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this, and I hope you’ll come back and take this journey with me!

~E~ <3

P.S.- Questions and comments are always welcome, but please try to stay positive... This is  rough stuff for me to talk about. :-)

[journeywithmeangryhuman]

My Wife, The Martyr

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Subscribe to get access Jesus Christ, help me. Someone. Anyone. Save Me. My wife is the biggest martyr I think I have ever encountered. No matter the situation, she has every right to humiliate the oldest child, who suffers from autism, and if I call her out on it, she will spend the rest of her day and energy finding a way to try to flip and reverse the situation to make me feel like the bad…

[thefixins-blog]

The Fixin’s... all of them.

My therapist says I need to journal. 

For the five of you still reading, I’m not one of those super spoiled, blonde-haired, blue-eyed, SUV-driving cliches who “sees a therapist” just to talk about it over a Starbucks venti-half-calf-double-foam-skinny-vanilla latte... far from it. On the contrary, I’m a moderately spoiled, brown-haired, blue-eyed, Civic-driving cliche who “sees a therapist” because she’s a recovering Preacher’s Kid just to talk about it over tall-non-fat-no-whip-two-pump-white mochas (from Starbucks, unless she’s feeling indie and ironic). But she doesn’t drink white mochas anymore. She’s trying to lose 3 lbs. When did she switch to third person?

Instead of writing down all my thoughts and feelings using a private, analog medium that no one will be able to use against me in court one day, I’ve decided to digitize. Not because I believe the whole world should hear what I have to say (although they really should, because I’m special, obvi), but because my hand will tire if I write in cursive for too long, it feels like a waste of perfectly good paper on which to doodle during business meetings and I don’t want journals cluttering my living room when I’m trying to understand why Olivia didn’t see this coming with Fitz. Classic Olivia. 

Back to my therapist. She’s pretty expensive, and we’ve spent many a session where she says I should write and I say I’ll get to it. At this point, I just don’t want to spend more money having me tell her I’ll do the thing. I get it, Doc! Now leave me and my five friends be!

So blogosphere, here I am, writing a blog. A feelings blog. And it’s going to be super fetch. I’m going to write about everything - religion, politics, wellness, business, adult coloring books, prejudice, Donald Trump, kale salads... in short, All the Fixin’s (see what I did there?) You’ll probably hate it. Luckily, it’s not for you - it’s for my therapist. I mean, it’s for me.

See you in the cyber.

xoxo,

Gossip Girl.

[arumpunya]

epiphany: im the one i should love

august 12 2018

i could fill up an endless page with reasons why i have such high appreciation for bts .. but to put it simply ,, the song epiphany in the album ‘love yourself: answer’ is literally the shortest way to answer it .. 

it goes beyond entertaining ,, but also leaving you with thoughts and real feeling .. real and relatable feelings .. epiphany is the highlight of everything i love about bts .. it reminds you to love yourself before everything else in this world .. in the most touching way possible .. 

its a very beautiful message .. and the world needs more of those kinds of messages .. 

but im not gonna write a review of the song in this piece .. 

many people still dont know how to love themselves .. i even still learning to love myself .. for someone who notoriously hard on myself ,, it is often hard to not to beat myself up whenever something bad happened in my life ..

but i shouldnt have to .. we shouldnt have to ..

no one is perfect .. we are not perfect .. but we have to love those imperfections in ourselves .. only then the world would see and love you for who you are ,, even with all those imperfections ..

sometimes we forget to put ourselves before everything else .. we tried so hard to please others ,, showing how much we care ,, making sure the others could see or feel just how much we love them .. so hard that we lost ourselves ..

putting myself first is not being selfish .. its self-care .. it doesnt mean i give less love for other people .. its knowing who you are and what you want .. and no matter how hard it is ,, leaving behind everything thats making us unhappy is a part of loving yourself ..

its like i love you but i love myself more .. im the one i should love in this world .. 

listening and learning about bts has been therapeutic for me as well .. the message in their songs brought back the faith in myself .. i know all the army around the world became one for so many different reasons ,, but for me thats the reason ..

bts is the living proof ,, the embodiment ,, of working hard really pays off .. you can build talents with putting your heart into your efforts .. you can reach beyond your goal when you set your mind to it .. you just have to keep going and have the faith in yourself that you could do it .. 

and thats also a form of self-love .. 

keep that leap of faith ... and love yourself ..

young forever

bangtan