#Boo at the Zoo | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

walkthevalley · 2 years

Text

Dating Myself

or How an Unhappy Idiot Found a Way to Un-Idiot Herself

When you set up a date with somebody, you have expectations, right? You expect the other person to--first and at the very least--show up. You also expect the other person to be present with you and pay attention to you and whatever you're both paying attention to (such as a movie or whatever). You also expect the person to be kind to you and do nice things for you because you're you and you deserve nice things and kindness.

So recently I dated myself.

I had to be in Indianapolis, Indiana, for two separate events four hours apart. I'm not a fan of spending hours and hours sitting somewhere doing nothing when I could be spending hours and hours sitting comfortably in my home in my pjs doing nothing, so I'll be honest here, I wasn't looking forward to that day. But both things had to be done, so I thought I'd take my computer and sit in the parking lot (doors locked) and play my game for a while. Maybe listen to some self-help on YouTube or whatever.

Or I could nap (doors locked). That was also a very pleasant thought.

But then I thought that seemed ... well ... kinda pathetic.

I'm a reasonably pleasant thirty-almost-two-but-don't-make-me-say-it-yet woman with a growing vibrancy and a need to heal myself in any way I can. Sitting in the car for three to four hours doing nothing didn't seem like it would help me do all that much healing.

I decided to take myself out on a date.

I made a plan. By making a plan, I set an expectation for myself to show up. Barring illness or other mitigating circumstance, I decided to expect myself to show up for myself and follow through with the plan I'd made. In my mind, deciding not to just because I was sad or didn't feel like it, again barring illness or high pain or whatever, was the equivalent of standing myself up. I deserve better than that, so since I had no legitimate reason not to, I showed up for my date with myself.

Then I decided to be present with myself on my date. I'm not going to sit here in my flannel pjs and lie to you by saying I didn't scroll Pinterest while waiting for my lunch to come out. But once my lunch arrived, I enjoyed it. I gave myself permission to really savor the experience of having a meal out in a restaurant, even though I was by myself. The tacos were to die for, honestly. My phone was out on the bar, and I did take the obligatory picture, but once I started eating I was actually enjoying my meal with myself. After lunch, I took myself on a walk. It was a lovely afternoon with a good stiff breeze blowing around the urban jungle, so my hair got heinously tangled, but I decided not to care. Future me could brush it out. Present me enjoyed the wind playing with my hair. I didn't have my nose in my phone while walking, either. I saw downtown Indianapolis. I took some pictures, I pulled up Google Maps, I texted my mom and my bestie. But I stayed present with myself and paid attention to what I wanted to pay attention to. Had museums been open that day, I would have gone to one or two of those and really been there.

The third parameter for a date I'd set in the first paragraph was to be kind to myself and do nice things for myself because I deserved it. The way I showed kindness to myself was to allow myself to stay safe instead of forcing myself to feel uncomfortable when it was perfectly avoidable. Thankfully there were a handful of people around who understood and graciously allowed me to hang out with them for five minutes while the danger passed. I hope something good happens to those people.

The coolest part was that I wasn't the only one doing something nice for me that day. God showed up. Twice.

When I was parking for lunch, I pulled into a garage that I simply could not afford to park in. I asked the guy behind me how to get out because I could not afford to park here, and it turns out he was a valet for the hotel parking a guest car. He swiped his "God card" and let me out, free of charge. Thanks, guy. I hope something good happens to him.

The next garage I pulled into was still expensive but literally a third of the cost of the other one. I decided to be nice to myself and just pay to park instead of finagling a spot on the street (gross, miss me with that parallel parking). A little less than thirty bucks for two hours, but for a day out I decided it was worth it.

When I was ready to head to my 6:00 appointment and leave the garage, the ticket machine spit my ticket out. "Unable to process ticket." I pressed the assistance button, explained the situation, and the gate lifted. I said, "The gate just lifted but I haven't paid yet." She said, "Oh that's okay, sometimes the system just has a problem so we just don't worry about it. You're good!"

Like I said, God showed up twice and did something nice for me on my date by letting me park for free. Thanks, God.

As it turns out, dating yourself is an incredibly healing activity.

I showed up for myself, stayed present with myself, and was kind to myself (and so was the Buy Guy Upstairs).

You know why?

Because Van Damme it I'm worth it.

I also gained a little trust in myself because I followed through with a plan I'd made, so there's a little added psychological healing bonus.

I also proved to myself that I can spend time with myself out doing something and having fun without needing someone else there.

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't want someone else there. It's just that I now know I'm okay to spend time with myself.

Notice I didn't say "spending time by myself." I do that all the time. But spending time with myself has always been a very foreign concept to me. I've always thought I was a person who needed to be around others in order to validate the way I spend my time. I always thought another person gave my time meaning. As if my time were meaningless if I were alone. My self-date in Indianapolis showed me just what a toxic and dependent way of thinking and living that was.

This doesn't mean I magically don't miss people I love and want them with me. Of course I do. As a very wise man once reminded me, we're relational creatures. We need connection. We're designed to need connection. It's okay to want people.

It's just that now I understand that the people I love and wish to spend my time with are an addition to my happiness, not the source of it.

I've had to be the source of someone's happiness before, and frankly it's exhausting and a lot of pressure and responsibility. I've decided it's much better to be able to be responsible for my own happiness than to rely on another person who is imperfect and won't always be present to provide that, whether for work or other life-goings-on. That way, when I do share my time with people, the happiness can be amplified for all involved.

That, and I can be a much better friend, coworker, partner, etc., because I'm not trying to pour from a cup I never knew was actually empty.

Because for all the love that comes from family, friends, lovers, amiable coworkers, angels, kind strangers, even God Himself ... if you do not take responsibility for your own wellbeing and happiness, your cup is empty. You have to allow yourself to be happy with your own company first. Otherwise, love from others drains right out and you still have an empty cup.

I know some folks will get their pannies in a wad when I say God can't make you happy. "He iS tHe sOUrcE." He is, I'm not arguing with that. But look guys, speaking from personal experience, He can't make anyone be happy who isn't ready to be happy. What He did do for me was teach me how to be happy with myself. Now He's got something to work with. Now He can pour good things in and know they won't drain out the bottom, because I finally realized the leak was me, and I was also the plug. Now He can add in His own idea of blessings and love and fulfilling relationships and satisfying career and all these neat things because then the cup has the opportunity to run over.

Unless you are willing to plug the leak in your own cup and put something in it to start with, your cup will never run over. Not even God can overcome that ... but He will teach you how to overcome it yourself. He's still the Source, but I had to be a useful vessel that could hold what the Source had to give.

Sometimes God wants to hear you say, "Yeah I deserve it. I deserve good things. I'm worthy of happiness." So many Christians have been conditioned to believe that saying you're worthy of being happy and you deserve better than the life of battle and hardship you currently have is satanic in its pride and arrogance. I actually think it's more satanic to assume that God's creation (you) is only deserving of hardship and suffering because God is good and you're worthless. (See also the self-esteem-destroying hymn lyric "such a worm as I.")

So you're telling me Jesus' work on the cross was worthless? Be careful. You're starting to blaspheme.

God wishes above all things for His children to prosper and be in good health, even as our souls prosper. That tells you right there He wants His creation to be happy, because a merry heart doeth good like a medicine but a broken spirit drieth the bones.

He made you. He dreamed of your existence. The Creator and Architect of the Universe that opened His mouth and spoke flaming celestial bodies into existence wove the very fabric of your soul and spirit together and dreamed of the life you would lead on this earth. He crafted you. He designed you. He planned you. He treasures you because He worked so hard on you.

And you want to sit there and tell the King of Kings that His craftsmanship isn't worthy of anything good and fulfilling just because some idiot convinced you? (Better question: Are you that idiot?)

You're telling your Father He can't have His wish when it comes to you?

I did for many years, and it didn't turn out well for me. It wasn't until I got pissed off and told God, "I deserve better than this!" that He went, "Finally. I've been waiting a long time to hear you acknowledge that."

It's time to un-idiot ourselves. "It's time for us to more than just survive. We were made to thrive." Now take your rightful place, Prince or Princess.

4 notes · View notes