#But for now I just feel so weird. Exhausted and becoming hard on myself too much I think

[hypnoneghoul]

Possibly some dewther angst? Whatever you feel like writing :)

this is more of a ramble than a ficlet i think but it is dewther angst, hope its okay

Aether leaving the band causes his relationship with Dewdrop to become extremely strained.

It brings out Dewdrop’s neediness when the distance hits. It brings out Aether’s need for space when he gets snowed under work.

And suddenly they don't work, even though they are hundreds of miles apart.

They somehow survive the first leg of the tour, with Aether pretending everything is alright for Dewdrop’s sake. The work he had stayed at the Abbey for is exhausting both mentally and physically and he’s hanging on by a thread barely a month in. The fire ghoul isn’t stupid; he sees something isn’t quite right with Aether as well as between them, but he blames it on the distance.

Dewdrop hurts like hell, being unable to hug or kiss his partner; not even talk to him much. He clenches his jaw and pushes through, though, even if it's with tears in his eyes.

Aether loves Dewdrop fiercely and misses him terribly, but the work tires him enough to make him essentially forget about it. There are times where the only thing on his mind is sleep, not his fire ghoul.

He is—of course—incredibly happy about his pack returning to the Abbey between the tour legs; about Dewdrop returning to him. All the bad things are forgotten for a little while and everything is right in the world again when the fire ghoul is in Aether’s arms again

It’s like that—just good—for a few days he got off from work, but…but then Aether can’t handle any more.

Dewdrop is with him every second, he all but hangs off of him no matter what the quintessence ghoul is doing. It’s understandable—they’ve been apart for so long, for the first time ever since they met, but to Aether it becomes unbearable; he can’t have one single moment for himself anymore. He’s stretched thin between Dewdrop, the infirmary and fucking taxes and it’s simply too much.

He’s tired—tired of the endless work the Clergy has dumped over him and…and his needy partner, he realizes with dread.

How did it come to this?

Aether doesn't mention it for a while, he clenches his jaw and pushes through until it—he—crumbles one evening. Something went really wrong in the infirmary earlier and it’s been a horrible mess lasting for what felt like eternity; it’s nearly midnight when he finally reaches his room. He’s stressed and exhausted and the only thing on his mind is sleep. 

Dewdrop is waiting for him, though. He is a very needy person, indeed, especially when it comes to affection and reassurance, and after having a bad day himself, he simply craves Aether; unable to fall asleep without him.

The quintessence ghoul wants to deliver—still so in love with Dewdrop it’s bordering on insanity—but the time stretches and stretches and there’s a dull ache behind his eyes and his teeth start to hurt from how hard he’s clenching his jaw and there’s that weird pit in his stomach and–and he snaps.

“Dewdrop, I love you, but you have to let me breathe sometimes! I don’t have a second for myself, this relationship feels like yet another chore for me right now!”

And there it is, just like that—all the feelings that have been building inside Aether for months finally spilled. He watches with a nearly empty, cold gaze as Dewdrop starts to shake and cry on the other side of the bed.

The quintessence ghoul hates himself immediately, but what is done is done and despite all the regret of what he just did there is a hint of relief, too.

If Dewdrop leaves, if that’s the end, he will have so much space.

And that’s what he wants. Right?

The silence and the cold won’t drive him crazy until he breaks, crawls back to Dewdrop unable to breathe, and begs him to take him back, to forgive him.

Right?

[deadboyswalking]

What a lot of fans are wondering, myself included, is "Where did MHA go wrong?"

I can think of several points that kick-started the downfall. This is not an exhaustive list, but just a few of the bigger flaws. It's a really long post, especially on the last point.

1. The reveal that AFO was directly responsible for all of Tomura's woes from before he was even born. This completely absolved society and his abusive family of responsibility, thus cheapening the manga's themes centered around those aspects of the manga's world.

2. Excessive focus on Endeavor at the expense of Shouto's feelings, actions, and inner world. It seems that from the Endeavor Agency Arc onward, Shouto's character is constantly underwritten and shoved aside so his father can get more screentime. Shouto's climactic, emotional final fight with Touya is completely undercut by the actual final fight of Touya vs. Endeavor, with the rest of the Todoroki family (Shouto included) basically sidelined to cheer Endeavor on. Even in the last Todoroki family chapter, the primary focus is still on Endeavor's feelings and not Shouto or Touya.

3. The complete character assassination of Izuku Midoriya. He was never the most interesting MC to begin with, but at least he had something going for him in the early arcs. He was weird, brilliant in battle tactics/analysis, brave and determined, endlessly compassionate, and completely insane. He had a real fire in him as a person and, unlike what many fans say, started the series with an awareness of the deep flaws in his society. People always say that the "save the villains" angle was shoved into the story during the first war, but it's clear from the beginning that the way Deku looked at his society already primed him to believe in that idea. During his mall encounter with Shigaraki, he actually showed that he'd carefully considered Stain's message and understood where he was coming from, even if he didn't agree with his actions. This is the story's first indication that if a villain has a genuine gripe with society and can explain it, Deku is willing to listen to what they have to say. Similarly, at the Sports Festival, he doesn't treat Endeavor with any of respect/awe he usually treats heroes with because Endeavor doesn't show the heroic values that Deku believes in.

So what happened to Deku? Honestly, I think he as a character disappeared beneath the weight of The Vestiges of OFA, Becoming The New Symbol of Peace, and Acting As The Author's Mouthpiece.

Joint Training Arc was the first indication that Izuku himself no longer mattered because of the OFA mythos and Vestiges inside him. Now, I don't mind Blackwhip because it diversified his fighting style and gave him a long-range attack. I also appreciated how hard he had to work to use it effectively and consistently. However, all of the other Vestige Quirks seemed to come to him way too easily and he could use them in perfect combinations without trying and against highly skilled adult opponents. The Vestiges started to talk to him constantly and give him advice, so his battle analysis/tactics were no longer necessary and he didn't need to come up with his own ideas anymore. More importantly, his own strong inner sense of justice and awareness of society's need to change was utterly replaced by some mystical Vestige-world bullshit about saving little Tenko. Adult Tomura was right there, clearly explaining his point of view and deep pain, and Deku didn't even listen to him (or really care when Tomura's body started being controlled by AFO). What happened to the independently compassionate boy from the earlier manga?

Being The New Symbol of Peace is another place where Deku had his character steamrolled. As flawed as the arc as a whole was, I actually had hope for him during the Dark Hero Arc. He was asking questions and genuinely trying to understand why villains became villains. He saw how civilians treated people with mutant quirks, listened to Lady Nagant about the HPSC, and witnessed tons of other abuses by society that made him angry. His eyes were opened and his compassion for Tenko Shimura deepened, priming him for the Final Battle where he would save the man and make a stand to change their society forever. Unfortunately, due to Horikoshi's inability to let go of the All Might and AFO dynamic, Deku's character was squeezed into The New Symbol of Peace mold and he forgot all about what he learned during the Dark Hero Arc in order to take out ShigAFO and let society stay exactly the same.

Finally, Deku was lost when he started Acting As The Author's Mouthpiece. The first sign of this was during Endeavor Agency Arc, when he told Shouto that he would forgive Endeavor "because you're a good person" and fawning all over Endeavor in general. I'm sorry, what? As much as Deku likes heroes, he was already shown to strongly dislike Endeavor because he didn't act like a true hero should and abused his family (people smaller and weaker than himself). Now one of your best fucking friends and his siblings are giving you more details of their horrific upbringing, including about their dead brother, and your response is that a good person would forgive Endeavor because he's trying to be better??? There is no canon justification for why Deku would do that type of 180°, but there's certainly an author that continually pushed more and more screentime for Endeavor and his feelings as the series went on. I wouldn't give a shit if this opinion change had any lead-up to it (as characters can change their minds all they want), but there's nothing in Deku's previously-shown character/personality that would lead to that conclusion. As the story went on, Deku mostly lost his introspective nature and stopped struggling with internal conflicts over right and wrong and what it means to be a hero. Instead, he just started mindlessly spouting whatever half-assed "message" the author wanted to show during any given scene with no regard to his previous opinions, background, or personality, often contradicting himself as the story's messages couldn't stay consistent either.

[avpdpossum]

avoidance is so weird because it’s so temptingly easy to pretend it’s not there when it’s not at its absolute worst.

when i’m at my lowest, my avoidance becomes volatile and dangerous — it means almost daily mental breakdowns, it means probably wanting to hurt myself or worse, it’s means things are bad bad. but times like now? where i’m in a better place and i don’t have to interact with people often enough to trigger it too badly? it’s easy to pretend i’m fine.

and that’s not because i don’t have symptoms — there’s a big glaring reason i don’t have a job yet, that i stay in the house pretty much every day and (aside from the family i live with) only ever see my safe person, that there’s a million important doctor calls i haven’t made yet, that i have my name change papers all ready to go but haven’t changed any of my documents yet. the avoidance is obviously still there and still causing problems, and i know my life doesn’t look how it should.

but because it’s not destroying my default mental state right now, it feels like i’m lying to myself and i’m totally mentally healthy and i have nothing to worry about. and when i see my therapist, the way i describe things sounds like there’s nothing going wrong in my life because there’s no active bad shit, just a lot of things that aren’t happening. and how do you quantify the absence of something?

how do i explain that the problem isn’t that i’m unhappy, it’s not that there’s bad things to fix, it’s just that most of the time, there’s nothing at all? that i’m mostly happy because i don’t have much of a life right now, and if i were to get my life to a better place from a practical standpoint i would almost definitely be thrown back into a worse mental state?

i’m trying to find a balance that allows me to have a decent life and decent mental health, but god, it’s hard to do when it would be so much easier and less exhausting to just stay stagnant forever and hold onto the relative peace that comes with that.

[collectivecloseness]

I know you said you weren’t rly up for smut yesterday, but I’m going to be honest, I’m a sinner, and could only think of smut for Joyce. Would you want to do any of that? <3

You’re lucky because I was actually coming up with smth that included smutty Joyce myself LMFAO 🤭 guess we’re all sinners. Domestic fluff with some smut included

Joyce Byers x reader

Joyce invited you over all the time now, and well, you invited yourself over too. Joyce told you she was always happy for you to drop by! And that had been even before you two had been secretly hooking up.

You and Joyce both agreed not to tell anyone. Even you two had skirted around what you actually were. But you were both happy, so that’s all that mattered to you.

It was harder to sneak around with Joyce’s kids in the house, but she also didn’t want to be out constantly, lest they get suspicious, and you kept struggling to find places outside of her home to secretly hook up. Although you both knew of a good few, from experience.

People would probably assume you were Johnathan’s friend if they saw you around the house, or even out with the family, and while recently, you two had started becoming friendly, everyone who knew you and Joyce knew you two were friends! You just seemed to connect very well from the start, and nothing seemed to get in the way of your blooming friendship.

Even your friends didn’t know that it was a much deeper relationship than that. You’d dropped hints about the person you were ‘seeing’ to your friends, because it was obvious to them you were with someone, although at one point Robin and Steve had convinced themselves it was Steve’s mother you were seeing, and that fire had had to be put out quickly.

But Joyce made you happy. And you really made her feel the same way too.

But with Joyce always letting you over to her place, and knowing how hard she works, you constantly wanted to be a helping hand, right by her side. So today, you’d come to visit Joyce, hoping you two would have a few more minutes until Will and Johnathan were home. No such luck, but Will had already thrown his bag on the ground and gone to his room, and Johnathan looked like he was about to do the same, just in Joyce’s pantry by the time you walked through the door.

She didn’t notice you, too busy trying to find something in the cupboard under the sink. You gave a quick nod to Johnathan, at the other end of the kitchen, who gave one back, headphones in. So when you walked up to Joyce, you ran your hands down her shoulders and past her arms.

“Ooh!” Joyce jumped, looking up with the biggest brown eyes you swear you’ve ever seen in your life, and she smiles so happily at you. “Oh! It’s you. Hi honey!” She already has her arms open before she’s even stood up, coming to give you her world famous hugs, and you wrap your arms around her waist back. Her hair’s loose, so you let yourself bury your face into her shoulder, drinking in her smell. It’s weird, her scent is the one thing that always seems to stay with you.

Joyce pulls back warmly, her hands still on your shoulders. “I didn’t know you were coming! Are you staying for dinner?”

You can see the excitement in her eyes. How happy she is to see you here. Joyce says you make her feel giddy like a school girl, but she always has your heart fluttering too. “Mhm! If you’ll have me.”

“I’ll always have you.” Joyce smiles, before you chuckle through your nose, and the both of you dip your heads with quiet laughs at the shared joke.

You realise you haven’t let go of Joyce’s waist yet, but a quick eye flicker in your peripheral lets you know Johnathan’s lost in his magazine and music. So you manage to give her hip a quick rub, before turning your hand to do the same to her bicep. “And what’re you doing? I thought the store already worked you to death.”

Joyce rolls her eyes upwards at the mention of her work, her smile still on her face, letting you know her exhaustion. At least it was something you could ease out of her later. Maybe even including a nice massage.

“I know, but I didn’t have time to I do the dishes this morning.” Joyce blows her lips.

But you brush her hands to the side, stepping forward. “Well here, let me do that then.”

“No, no no.” Joyce gently holds your hands back, pushing them away before you can start. “I’ve got it, there’s only a couple. Besides, I need to have enough dishes for you tonight. And I know what you’re gonna say now, so don’t.” Joyce screws her face up cutely, quickly brushing your pouted lips with her finger, as you both try to get each other to take yourselves seriously.

“You work yourself too hard.” You tell her again, for one of the few times, letting your voice be clear enough, just in case one of her sons hears and decides to help their dear mom out.

But Joyce steps forward, her eyes flicking behind you, at Jonathan, before she speaks lowly, close to your face “Well it’s nice I have you to help me afterwards then.”

When Joyce moves back, you allow her to see the look of pleasant surprise on your face. Joyce was rarely flirty in public, well she was a little, but mostly in ways where they could be taken as innocent instead. You loved seeing the more ‘Joyce’ sides of her being freed around you.

But, with a quick look around her home behind you, you had your sights set on a new task. And shoving back the want to lean forward and peck her, you squeeze Joyce’s hands instead, innocent enough. “Okay, I’ll be back in a second.”

You heard the chair behind you squeak, and watched Johnathan bin his cookie packet, giving him a quick salute with your now very free hands, and Johnathan attempts a small smile at you before leaving to his own room, headphones still in. Could he not have done that sooner?

“Okay.” Joyce gently touches your side, and you turn back to her with a smile. Joyce let you have free reign in her house, and you felt comfortable enough to do so. So while Joyce turned back to her kitchen, both of you keeping your smiling faces on each other until Joyce had to turn away with a flustered hand to her face, so cute, you made sure her back was turned, as you grabbed the overflowing laundry basket just outside her bathroom that you’d caught sight of, and started walking it down to her basement washer.

You stuff all of the clothes and towels in the washing machine, spotting a few of your own clothes you’ve worn recently, than Joyce had shoved to the bottom of the laundry basket. You laugh through your nose, shaking your head at how good Joyce is. Also, probably a good thing you didn’t inspire Johnathan to help his mom out. You fling a pair of your black underwear into the washing machine, along with Joyce’s similarly coloured bra. That one was your fault for getting dirty.

You add in the washing powder with the scooper in a box on her shelf, before shutting the lid, and making sure you were going to press the right buttons. Focusing so hard, you barely heard the creak of the stairs.

“You didn’t have to help with that!”

Joyce is smiling as she rides down the steps. You can assume she shut the door behind her, and you wave her off with a smirk.

“You’re a guest!” Joyce repeats, meeting you below with a pleased grin, but you chortle. “I’ve crashed here more nights than I can count, including the last two, and probably tonight. And well, I saw some of that in there was mine as well.” You blink sweetly at her, hoisting yourself on top of the washing machine, reaching your hands out for your lover with a smile. At least the eventual noise and floor distance might finally give you two some privacy. You can never keep your hands off each other for long.

Joyce takes your hands happily in her smooth ones, giving a big smile with her shoulders hiking and chin jutting out at you, before coming in, being helped by your pull, and leaning in for a kiss.

You move your arms to hold onto her waist, humming happily into your kiss as you finally get to hold her again. Joyce’s lipstick you’ve noticed her wearing more since seeing you, brushing faintly against your lips, as she rests her hands on your thighs. Both of you kissing sweetly.

“Wait.” You whisper against Joyce’s lips, her pulling back dotingly with a curious look. One of your hands stretches teasingly over her waist and lower back, holding her close as you tilt your head to her. “So they don’t hear.” You move down between your legs, letting Joyce follow your hand, before you turn on her washing machine. The hum and rattle quickly filling the air.

You two keep kissing for a while. Giggling, and playing with each other’s hair, hands only holding each other as you both make out. Joyce has a few strands of your hair in her hands, lips moulding perfectly, effortlessly, into your own, moaning pleased into your mouth as her fingers play. Meanwhile yours are fiddling with the hem of her shirt, she knows you want it off, like you always do. But as Joyce pulls back from one kiss for air, she notices your thighs pressed together. And then when she really looks, you thinking she’s just watching your body, as your face buries needily into her neck, Joyce realises you’ve been wiggling on her washing machine.

She slips her hand to the inside of your thigh, biting her lip to stop herself from giggling at your wet mewl right into her neck, stretching her fingertips so they can spread onto the vibrating machine. Now you look up.

“Naughty girl. Did you just wanna use my machine?” Joyce smiles, her brown eyes teasing and playful, as she rubs the inside of your thigh. She knows you love being called her good, and naughty girl. Being her girl.

You shake your head though. And Joyce’s expression widens teasingly, like she’s putting herself in charge of your game. “Oh no?” She asks you quietly, but still laughing, entwining your fingers with hers and pressing her soft lips against your hand as she does so.

You shake your head again. “Why would I need to use that, when I have you?” You ask at her teasing volume, innocently.

You watch Joyce blush, and you nudge her chin with your joined hands, beckoning her closer to share another deep kiss.

You feel Joyce sliding her tongue over yours, and you moan appreciatively as you kiss against it, allowing her into your mouth, taking it yourself, brushing your tongue softly over hers, rubbing up and down Joyce’s waist and slinking your hands under her shirt there. You love the times Joyce gets more confident. It hasn’t been too long with her, so it still takes a little while before she starts to be more forthcoming during your little sessions. Although with the way you’re going, you’re going to be completely dommed by her in almost every meeting. She’s had a few times of her own where she’s surprised you with that already. You were definitely not complaining though.

Joyce hooks her hands under your bare knees, in your shorts, pulling you closer, as her own legs stand firm against the rattling machine. You wrap your legs around Joyce, both of you pressing your chests together, wanting to be closer. Although you do notice with Joyce’s grip on your thighs, she’s still pushing your lower half into her machine.

You giggle into her kiss, relishing in the feeling of the bumps, and thuds, and swirls, and shakes, and buzzes of the machine you’re sitting on top of. Letting yourself feel all of it as you grab onto Joyce’s waist, pulling her lips into your own and letting her taste you, while you eat up her own moans. Hoping you’ll let her have a treat and discover how wet you are when her hand finally ventures there.

But pushing those needy thoughts aside for a moment, you know there’s something you want more.

You pull Joyce in even closer, running your hands up her bare back, so your fingers can play with her bra buckle, kissing her collar. “I want you to sit on here.” Your eyes go big.

“Noo honey, I-“ Joyce looks up at the ceiling, and you know there are other people in the house. But you’re very good at helping her keep quiet.

You remove your hands, stroking her face quickly. “I wanna treat you first, if we don’t have a lot of time.”

Slipping off the machine and landing on the floor, you sigh. Your legs jelly, and really feeling the loss of the vibrations. Feeling something wet and warm pooling immediately into your underwear now you’re stood.

At your sigh, a shiver runs up Joyce’s spine. Making her shudder, a quick breath coming out, as she looks to you in anticipation, and trust. Hooked, like always.

Holding her hand, you get Joyce sat on top of the machine. And as soon as she is, your hands are greedily at her waist again, and your tongue is lavishing on her neck before your lips can follow.

Joyce’s head rolls back, holding your lower half, and you lap your tongue over her neck, making your bottom lip drag up her skin as it follows.

Joyce moans breathily, deeply, and you can feel her chest brushing against your chin when you lean down to nibble your lips over her collarbone. Then, as your tongue flattens and your teeth nibble, as you suck a mark into the sensitive spot of Joyce’s neck, just below most of her shirt lines as agreed, although stretching this shirt with your greedy hands right now, a higher moan leaves Joyce. And you quickly place your hand over her mouth. Soothing the hickey with lots of small kisses, meeting her eyes and seeing how gushy her big brown orbs are.

You both look upwards, but no movement, no sound, you’re sure their music and the washing machine would cover you two anyway. Joyce gives your hand a kiss, and you smile down at her, humming happily as her lips detach from it, while you pull your hand away.

Hungrily, your tongue pokes through your lips as you quickly takes Joyce’s top off, her lifting her arms up to help you. You grasp her cheek as you kiss her again, letting her hair fall back into place, as she noisily lets her lips move in tandem with yours. Now starting to rock on the machine.

You move your head back, admiring the top half of her body in just her dark bra, running your hands up and down her waist. “You’re so pretty. Fuck. You’re so beautiful Joyce.” You lean your head into her cheek for a moment, pulling back, still holding her, admiring her, for how gorgeous she is. You still can’t believe she likes you enough too. She’s amazing.

“Thank you baby.” Joyce rasps out, her hands falling to your neck, and your face, and her eyes serious on yours. Lips sucked in, but still with a hint of a smile. You hold her face in both your hands, letting her know you’re really looking, right at her. “Oh my God, you’re so pretty. Seriously. Those eyes too God... I don’t know how I ever got so lucky.” You breathe out amazed. Smiling.

Joyce blushes, and you can see the emotion in her face. But a smile breaks out before anything else can, and you easily allow yourself to be pulled in for another kiss again. Eating her up, just as Joyce does you, both of you laughing smally into each other’s mouths. In fact, Joyce doesn’t seem like she wants to let go, still just kissing your lower lip and your chin messily, when you pull away. “You are too y/n. You’re fucking beautiful.” Joyce squeezes your face in her hands, like she’s having cuteness overload, and you just have to kiss her again. This time, through her smiling lips, some heavier breaths come through, and when you sink your hand in between her very closed off thighs, and she whines into your lips, and even then you can feel the vibrations through her, you know part of the reason why.

Moaning, nosing at her neck, you kiss down it again. This time slightly quicker, holding her small bare waist in your hands, your lips and your tongue spreading wet and meaningful kisses all the way down Joyce’s neck, and down her chest. Making sure to press them over the tops of both of her breasts.

Joyce’s hand goes to your head, watching you in awe, as she always does at seeing you worship her body. Her hand smooth over the back of your hair, and red lips stretched in a pleasured ‘o’ shape, her other hand bracing on your shoulder, body rolling into your mouth with each kiss you give her, eyebrows softly knitted, watching you entirely.

You kiss down her cleavage, and finish off at the point just before the centre of her bra starts, just barely pressing your face in, feeling your nose and lips slip by, as your hands continue caressing her warm waist. You kiss the small part of her bra holding her chest together - trapping her poor girls - before your kisses move down to praise all over her perfect stomach.

You move to crouch down, but your hands still hold Joyce there, massaging her waist as you kiss over her stomach, stopping just below her belly button, and above the hem of her pants. And as you press your chin to Joyce’s tummy, you peer right up at her. Your big eyes on her lustfilled, loving, brown ones, looking straight up at her, before quietly, under the hum of the machine, popping the button of her jeans.

[comingyourlugubriousness]

Happy Birthday Yume Ume: Personal Story (Part 3/3)

Part: 1 / 2 / 3

Leona: Finally, the last question is “If you were to join any dorm other than the Ramshackle or Ignihyde, which dorm would you choose?”

Yume: *quickly, and matter of factly* Scarabia.

Leona: *smirk* Oh? Two in a row? Don’t let Radish sprout hear that.

Yume: *pouting* Shut up, it's not like that! It’s just…ALL THE OTHER CHOICES ARE SO MUCH WORSE!

Leona: *eyes widen at sudden outburst, before lowering again*

Yume: *ranting* You think I wanna deal with the Queen of Hearts dumb rules, or wake up at 6AM for spell drive drills?! 

Leona: It’s 6:30.

Yume: *ignoring his interruption* Honestly I don’t mind the Octavinelle dorm vibes itself; but I would rather DIE than live with Azul as a dorm leader; or have Vil breathing down my back 24/7 about my diet and health, uh- yeah-no thanks-!

Yume: *sighs, mumbling* And no offense to Diasomnia but their weird vibes make me feel like an outsider…

Leona: *Makes a vague noise of approval* 

Yume: Ignihyde would definitely be ideal, but since I can’t pick them Scarabia seems like the best choice. *shrug* I get along well with almost everyone and the dorm's mindset is something I agree with.

Leona: Mindfulness, careful deliberation, planning, considering all your options.*hums* Yeah that’s you to a fault. *crosses his arms, smugly* Maybe you should be there instead of Ignihyde?

Yume: *Immediately shutting it down.* No thanks, I can only take so many banquets and parties before I become exhausted.

-

Bonus question!

Yume: C’mon that last one was too easy, give me another one!

Leona: I’m only contractually obligated to ask two questions.

Yume: Boo~! *whining* C’monnnnn~!

Leona: Augh! Fine, *muttering* snot nosed brat…

Leona: If you could pick any student from Night Raven College to be your sibling, who would you choose? Other than your own siblings.

Yume: *surprised at the question* Huh…oh! Well that’s easy there's already a couple people here besides my brothers, that I consider siblings. *smiles* Like Ortho of course and- *they stop suddenly, seeming to have realized something.*

Leona:...And? 

Yume: A-ah, nevermind, just Ortho. *they seem slightly embarrassed suddenly*

Leona: *raises eyebrow* You're the one who wanted to be asked this question and now you're being secretive?

Yume: Oh well… *they purse their lips and cross their arms in though* *They laugh.* To be honest I’m not sure how this person would react to the idea and…it’s something I never really thought of until now. So, for now, I think I better just keep it to myself.

Leona: *slowly* How they would react…?

Yume: …

Leona: **realizes, his ears stick up** 

Leona: Hmph… *his tail flicks behind him. He looks away.* Well I’m sure they probably would care…but whatever let's move on. *He seems slightly stunned, but not unhappy.*

Yume: Oh man, wait I forgot. This part’s gonna suck isn’t it? *sigh.* Is it at least gonna be tasty?

Leona: *smirk* Guess you’ll find out. *winding up his arm* Are you gonna take your glasses off?

Yume: *dramatically, with grin* No, I’ll take it like a man.

Leona: Heh, suit yourself. *grins back. Leona pulls back his arm and throws. A breaking noise follows.*

The end! It was fun to write this but it took me a while! I find it hard to write dialogue without much description because I feel like so many things get said through actions and body language! Yume and Leona's relationship is fun and complex to write. In my mind, they both feel a sibling bond, but neither of them are really willing to admit it out loud. So it becomes this unspoken understanding over time. I think its a complicated feeling for both of them in different ways. In particular for Leona because in his life he hasn't had a good relationship with his actual sibling.

I hope you guys enjoy it. I'm working creatively on a couple different things but I also have a lot of big complicated events going on in my life right now. So sorry for the slow posts. I appreciate everyone who comments or leaves tags <333!

[oddbrainedtboy]

joining @wolfstarmicrofic's january prompts!!

Day 22 - Prompt: Rough

part 1 with its opposite, smooth, can be found here!

We were at Grimmauld Place when it happened.

It was right after I came back from an Order mission, and I was exhausted, we both were. It shouldn’t have been strange, I’ve done many Order missions before, but that one had been particularly bad. I had to walk a lot and sleep in uncomfortable places, and it all really didn’t help ease the pain on my hip. And I didn’t even have him for company, since he had to be locked in that haunted house, especially for him, that was our headquarters.

When the moon was high up in the sky, thankfully not full, and everyone was already in their bedrooms, I walked into his room with two tea cups for us to rest together.

You wouldn’t need more than one hand to count exactly how many times I’ve been alone with Sirius after his escape from Azkaban. With the war and the constant things in need to be taken care of we had barely any time to spend together, and if we had we were never alone. So we always tried to enjoy the little moments we managed to have.

But that night felt weird.

It wasn’t just the Order missions and the house, though. The past few weeks had been filled with some unexplainable tension between us, and it was starting to get overwhelming. I remember being constantly terrified that Sirius had lost all interest in me, had lost all interest in people in general, had lost his mind, and the fear of losing him, the only person I had left, put a nauseating feeling in my stomach.

So there, feeling tired and in pain and done with everything because why can’t we just be happy… I let myself break.

It had been far too long since the last time I had cried. Having become completely numb after everything I’ve seen, it became hard for me to shed tears. But I was so scared of losing everything, including our lives. I couldn’t keep it to myself anymore.

“Moony…” was all I heard from him as he pulled me into a tight hug. I still don’t know if Sirius knew the reason behind my sobs, or if he felt the same, but he stayed there, patting my back and trying to bring me some comfort.

It was horrible. I felt small, I felt powerless, I felt weak, exhausted, lost.

Until I didn’t.

Until it became beautiful.

Until my face was held by rough hands, hands that have been in bad places. Until rough thumbs brushed the tears away from my eyes. Until those eyes, damn those eyes, looked deep inside my own brown ones looking like rough grey rocks that give you stability and safety.

Until those lips, now rough, once again kissed mine.

Word count: 465

[badgirlswrld]

˚ ༘♡ CHARACTERS: Yunseo ‘Cloe’ Lim, Sanghee Park

˚ ༘♡ SUMMARY: Sanghee apologizes to Cloe, and the two begin to grow a new unexpected bond with one another.

˚ ༘♡ WARNINGS: none unless you need a warning for awkward tension bcs PHEW scroll away now if that’s a problem, just cute flirty shit tbh

˚ ༘♡ “Why are you here…?” Cloe muttered, her gaze fixed on the brunette standing ominously at her doorstep. The air around her seemed to hum with exhaustion, a fact that Cloe couldn't ignore. She studied the older girl: one hand carelessly tucked into the pocket of her sweatpants, the other propped against the door frame. There was a strong tension in the air, the silence between them growing by the second. Her hair was damp, falling over her face as she looked up to make eye contact with the other. Cloe felt her throat tighten, becoming slightly nervous due to the silence.

“I’m sorry.” Sanghee blurted out, eyes growing softer. Cloe tilted her head, eyes widening.

Cloe's heart skipped a beat as she heard Sanghee's apology. The unexpected words hung in the air, creating a moment of confusion. Is she being serious? Cloe's eyes narrowed, her gaze burning into Sanghee. Sanghee shifted uncomfortably, her presence beginning to feel unwelcomed and irritating. Cloe's silence was filled with an unspoken hostility, making it clear that she resented Sanghee's sudden appearance. Sanghee began to regret her own decision to visit Cloe's apartment, feeling the weight of the animosity radiating from the younger girl.

“Sanghee what is this about? Seriously don’t play with me right now. We’re not five…why are you actually here?” Cloe's voice grew stern as she crossed her arms and asked again, her gaze fixed on Sanghee. In that moment, Sanghee's eyes wandered down, her mind racing to find the right words to express her feelings. As Cloe shifted slightly, her pastel pink tank top revealed a sliver of her stomach, intensifying Sanghee's nervousness. Sanghee quickly averted her gaze back to Cloe's face, her throat clearing in an attempt to regain composure. Straightening up, she took a deep breath, bracing herself for what she was about to say.

“Seriously, I’m sorry. I mean I’ve been thinking about every thing going on between us and I feel horrible. I…I was horrible. It’s harder to admit out loud but…I think I’ve been too hard on you and I just— I want to fix things. Really this time.” Sanghee apologized, awkwardly running a hand through her hair. Cloe gulped at the sight, was she always this attractive?

“I appreciate it?” She mumbled, quickly readjusting herself, “I mean…it’s not that I don’t appreciate it— I just don’t know if that’s the right way to word it…thank you for apologizing. I’m sorry too, I should work on myself I guess.” With a palpable tension hanging in the air, Cloe managed to reciprocate the apology. Her arms fell limply to her sides as she cast her gaze around the room, a small attempt to disguise the unease creeping into her mind. Quickly, she shifted from her spot, her hand trembling slightly as it reached for the door, inching it open in a silent invitation. “You wanna…come in?”

Sanghee felt her heart beat out of her chest.

“Yeah, yeah that’s cool.” She sputtered, joining the girl in her small apartment.

“It’s weird living alone, I can’t wait to get back to the dorms…” Cloe inquired, taking the girl into her living room after she slipped her shoes off.

“I know, I’m staying with my sister so it doesn’t feel too different. I just miss everyone I guess” Sanghee stated, awkwardly standing beside the couch as Cloe plopped down. She eyed the standing girl, a small smirk forming, as she let out a giggle. “What?”

“Why so awkward? I invited you in for a reason, make yourself at home” Cloe patted the empty space on the sofa beside her, inviting Sanghee to sit. Sanghee complied, sinking into the couch. “So…what made you wanna apologize exactly?”

“Just…instinct? I guess I just knew I was wrong the whole time, you just left before I could tell you…” Sanghee recited, lying straight through her teeth. It was your face. That’s what she wanted to say.

“Really? That was it? There was no like…special moment?” Cloe sighed, tilting her head.

“It’s so cute when you do that.” Sanghee observed, tilting her head in the same direction. Cloe felt her cheeks heat up the slightest bit.

“Do— what?” She stammered, titling her head a bit more.

“That. The little head tilt.” Sanghee stated, a small smile forming.

“Shut up.” Cloe thought, her heart pounding in her chest. The realization hit her like a ton of bricks, leaving her feeling both shocked and oddly elated. She shook her head, smiling to herself, “anyways, back to what I asked?”

“Right, why did you ask that, exactly?” she questioned. Cloe pondered for a moment.

“That’s what happened to me.” She stated.

“Oh?”

“I just remembered…that I started it? I was purposely pissing you off. So in the end, it was my fault.” Cloe collected herself, readjusting to sit on her knees, facing Sanghee. Sanghee leaned in a bit closer, getting comfortable on the sofa.

“It kind of was. I should’ve controlled my temper though, I was so mean to you after all…” Sanghee mumbled, eyes drifting off to the ceiling.

“Yeah you were kind of mean, I was too though? It was a pretty heated argument. I don’t know how I kept composure. Actually I don’t know how you didn’t smack me!” Cloe chuckled.

Sanghee’s smile was a soft one, almost imperceptible, as she took in the sound of Cloe's laughter. Her gaze returned to the girl, the lighthearted giggle echoing in the silence between them. She sighed, “I feel like shit every time we fight, I couldn’t smack you when you were like that.”

“Like what?” Cloe pondered, eyebrows furrowing.

“You looked so…so sad? Your eyes, that’s what made me snap out of it. At the end. Right before you left.” Sanghee recalled, crossing her arms over her chest.

“What’s so special about my eyes?” Cloe questioned, Sanghee then sat up. She turned to face the younger girl, taking a moment to gaze into her eyes. Cloe felt a swarm of butterflies in her stomach, almost enough to make her nauseous. What the hell is happening?

“They looked so emotionless…like you had gone on autopilot but in real life.” Sanghee mentioned. The two were now rather close, faces awfully close to one another. Yet neither of them noticed.

“It felt like it.” Cloe mumbled. Eyes wandering every where but into Sanghee’s. Sanghee simply continued to study her face. The way her nose scrunches a bit when she smiles, the way her faint freckles are a bit more prominent under the dim yellow light of her apartment.

"Did you feel lonely as a child, Sanghee?" Cloe whispered the words almost silently, her voice hushed. She was nervous, wanting to open up to Sanghee and hoping to establish a connection with her. Despite denying it, she always felt uncomfortably similar to the older brunette. Strikingly similar.

As Cloe looked up, the silence causing her some anxiety, a spark of recognition passed between them. Sanghee's voice softened as she spoke, "Yeah. When I was a kid, I spent most days alone because my mom worked a shit load. I had a friend who would come over, and we would sing and dance all day," she reminisced, feeling a wave of nostalgia, "She was my company. But she moved away.”

Cloe couldn't help but feel a sense of relief and comfort wash over her. Sanghee's words unlocked a hidden part of Cloe, stirring up a mix of emotions. In that moment, she realized that she wasn't alone in her feelings of loneliness and longing for connection. Yet, memories of her lonely childhood flooded her mind, evoking a negative feeling, a strong instinctive feeling that she wanted to forget. Despite the connection she felt with Sanghee, Cloe remained silent, unable to rid her fear of vulnerability. The room fell into a suffocating silence, heavy with unspoken words. The tension grew, as if the weight of their unshared truths couldn't be contained. It was a deafening silence, filled with the desire to bridge the gap between them, yet paralysed by uncertainty.

“I hope you know I didn’t mean all those things I said…I mean, you’re not a complete bitch, and it’s not true that everyone hates you.” Sanghee clarified, breaking the silence with a shift in topic. Cloe scoffed, staring down into her lap where her hands settled.

“I find that hard to believe, I would hate me too. Who wouldn’t?” Cloe voiced, Her eyes darted up to meet Sanghee's gaze as her hand delicately grazed her cheek. Similar to the other night, yet strikingly different. There was no hint of condescension this time, no trace of taunting. It was a touch filled with an unexpected gentleness, and it sent a shiver down her spine, the tension between them only thickening.

“I don’t.” Sanghee's words were barely above a whisper. The gap between their faces diminished to an almost nonexistent distance, a mere gust of wind could have caused their lips to brush together. Sanghee could feel Cloe's breath, soft and hesitant, on her skin as her gaze landed on Cloe's lips.

"Yeah?" Cloe breathed out, her voice filled with uncertainty and anticipation.

"Yeah," Sanghee confirmed, her smirk playing on her lips like a hushed promise. Instead of closing the distance, she pulled back abruptly, leaning against the armrest of the sofa, leaving a unnatural tension in the air. Cloe paused to catch her breath, feeling as if she were in a dream, as if her consciousness had conjured a blur that didn't truly happen. Yet, that wasn't the case. Her cheeks flushed a dusty shade of pink when she accepted this reality.

“I don’t wanna overstay my visit, so I should get back home, shouldn’t I?” Sanghee spoke, her tone low, almost driving Cloe insane. Cloe shifted a bit, avoiding eye contact with the older brunette.

“Yeah…you could come over again…” Cloe suggested, rubbing the back of her neck. “I really enjoyed the company…”

“So did I, I’m sure I’ll be back soon,” Sanghee giggled, a bit of a suggestive tone in her voice. She pushed herself up from the sofa, heading towards the door. Cloe quickly followed, trailing behind the taller girl. After putting on her shoes, Sanghee turned around to face Cloe.

“Thank you for accepting my apology, Yunseo.” She offered a tender smile, leaning in to place an affectionate kiss on Cloe's forehead. As she turned to leave, her footsteps echoed softly through the quiet apartment. Cloe remained, rooted in place, an aura of sweet bewilderment surrounding her.

Do I…like Sanghee?

[massharp1971]

Excerpt: “You fucking bastard!” Rodney shouted loud enough to make Evan’s ears hurt. “You left! Without a fucking word! I didn’t know it was happening until I saw you stepping through the fucking wormhole, you absolute piece of shit!”

Rodney McKay did not usually swear – he was far too precise in his language for that. The weird part of it was, Evan felt as if this was the exact diatribe he would have gotten had Rodney spoken to him the day after he left. It almost made him feel like no time had passed at all. At least McKay hadn’t iced over the way Ronon apparently had.

“Rodney,” Evan said, softening his voice in counterpoint, “I didn’t know myself, but I had to.” 

Rodney crossed his arms and lifted his chin – such a classic McKay pose, and Evan appreciated the lines of his muscled arms, the softness of the weight he’d gained, the slight wildness of his hair, even the fury that animated him right now.

“You believed in us – or at least I thought you did. An independent Atlantis, free of the American military. Where was your loyalty to us?”

The same old pain stabbed in Evan’s chest.

“I do believe in Atlantis, and I hope history shows I haven’t done anything to betray her.”

Rodney faltered at this because of course it was true – Evan hadn’t hurt Atlantis’ independence, he might have even helped it from the other side, but he had hurt the people he loved. He still wished with all of his tired heart that he’d been able to stay five years ago and support the folks who had become family to him through this time of incredible change. 

He knew he couldn’t just walk back into his old life – things were every bit as hard as he expected them to be, but still he wanted.

He sat down heavily on Rodney’s couch, feeling suddenly beyond exhausted.

“I know I hurt you deeply. I’d give anything not to have done that, Rodney.”

“Just so we’re clear, I want to hurt you until you feel half as bad as you made me feel,” Rodney said. “And John. And Ronon.”

“I already did that to myself,” Evan said quietly, tears rising in his eyes. “I decimated myself and it never healed in all this time.”

“Well good, because that’s what you did to us. Decimated. Entirely fucked,” Rodney said bitterly.

“Except for the fact you got Atlantis. A free Atlantis. And you finally got John, too.”

Rodney looked at him levelly, his face acknowledging the truth of this.

“Do you mind?” he asked.

“God, Rodney, yes I mind – that you’re both happy, that you have what you wanted, it eases some small amount of my pain to know that. I mind about your happiness a great deal.”

“Oh,” Rodney said, looking deflated. “Actually, I am. We are… Happy, I mean.”

“Well, I’m glad,” Evan said.

And he was. He’d been expecting those two to get together since he met them – was surprised when he found out they weren’t, was even more surprised when he found they happily swung his way but still hadn’t figured out how they felt about each other.

“The thing is, Evan, it only happened because of you,” Rodney said.

“Because I left?” Evan asked, confused.

Rodney looked at him a little resentfully.

“No… because… because you loved me. Because I didn’t know how to let myself be loved until you.”

It was sweet, really, even though Rodney’s voice sounded bitter. But then, McKay had always been a full flavoured kind of human, you had to enjoy a good dose of chili in your chocolate to love someone like Rodney.

“You know what the worst part of it is?” Rodney asked.

And suddenly there were tears in his eyes, and Evan’s heart broke a little more.

“Go on,” he prompted.

“Not for one moment did I have the luxury of thinking you were just an asshole who didn’t care as much as you pretended to. I actually knew your heart would be breaking, and somewhat infuriatingly I cared about that as much as about my own heartbreak. You opened my heart up and then left it like an untended wound.”

“I’m sorry,” Evan said, feeling the agony of that decision as if it just happened. “And you’re right, it hurt like you can’t imagine. Still hurts.”

“What was it like, being without Atlantis?” Rodney suddenly looked horrified, as if it was hard to even contemplate.

“Every bit as tough as you’re imagining. But for me, losing my family was harder. Losing you .”

Rodney suddenly looked doubtful. 

“Oh please, you’re only making it right with me so you can get back with John.”

“You know that’s not true, Rodney. You know I don’t operate that way. I love you, I love John, I love Ronon.”

“You have to make it right with Ronon too,” Rodney said. “Although… that’s going to take some time, I think.”

“Yeah, I don’t think Ronon is going to accept any overture from me,” Evan said. “I just have to wait it out, and he may never come round.”

“His hurt was the deepest,” Rodney told him. “His abandonment issues are the biggest. Even bigger than John’s. He’s lost too much, Evan.”

“That may be true,” Evan said thoughtfully.

He couldn’t bear to think about what he’d done to Ronon, but right now he was focused on the man in front of him.

“Rodney,” he said, tentatively reaching for McKay’s hand. “You’ve had more than enough hurt and loss of your own, and I’m sorry, truly sorry for the pain I caused you.”

“I do actually understand why, you know. I’m not completely insensitive.”

“You’re anything but insensitive. You feel things deeply. It’s one of the reasons I love you.”

Rodney’s eyes widened as if that was news to him.

“Still?” Rodney said, looking somewhat incredulous. “You still…?”

And there was the sweet, vulnerable man Evan adored. He really could not prevent himself from leaning forward and kissing Rodney gently.

He was aiming for tender, but he was met with fierce coming at him from the other direction in a full-frontal attack. Rodney devoured his lips, bruising and biting, and it was everything. 

“Bed, now,” Rodney said, when they came up for air sometime later.

“I agree,” Evan said, breathlessly.

read more on ao3

[soullikethesea]

Negative

Currently I feel a bit ashamed and disabled. I'm definitely in a burnout-type of state. Actively tired/brain foggy, feeling weird and having body aches.

Finally someone came to give the window a temporary update so that it can be opened. I don't feel happy about this??? It just feels foreign and scary. And the whole process has been so so triggering.

I got apologies three times this week, from the people involved.

And somehow that just makes it hurt more. I fucking predicted this situation and I tried everything in my power to get it fixed and it still took more than 6 months. It reminds me so much of being with my father.

He never apologized to me, of course. Or, well, one time when he was two hours late to come get me and I broke my collar bone. He still says that it was his fault. And yet his guilt and apologies do not make me feel better either. I may be broken.

The landlord stuff just makes me want to cry. It also reminds me of when I got bullied in school and I felt increasingly broken. I am missing a key-component of being human: the ability to protect myself, to show my teeth. Sometimes it feels like I don't have claws, I don't have teeth like other people do.

So even today, I befriended the handyman that neglected me. It's survival 101, isn't it? Befriend your enemy, make them care about you. If you cannot fight, befriend.

Fuck that shit. Fuck the migraine I got, fuck the changes I seem to take so hard, like the new supervisor at work. And even the window now being openable feels so Wrong. I may be autistic after all, or just traumatized, or just weird. Who even knows at this point... I wish I could talk to T, but I also don't, because I have no energy left to explain myself and guide other people towards being helpful.

I also had a low-key job interview thing going, where they forgot to call me - TWICE. I literally got stood up twice. And yes, they apologized as well. It just... it feels bad. I don't know if I'm responding in the right ways so that there is less of a chance of it happening again.

My colleague also left a ton of work to me, without asking me if I'd be OK with it. It's probably not on purpose, but that's another meh thing.

Well, I'll be fine. It seems like all of this is this level of overwhelming just because I did too many things last weekend! And that's another thing I feel pissed about. I wish I could be like a normal person and I could do things without becoming *this* exhausted. I keep comparing myself to some autistic friends I have and they are able to do so much more and it feels a little unfair sometimes. That's what makes me feel so disabled. I hate that I'm stuck within myself. I'll make the most of it, but I can't escape needing to accommodate myself and skipping out on a lot of normal/fun experiences.

Quite a few people have been asking me why I'm not doing a PhD and well, there it is. I'd need so many accommodations that it really isn't realistic. I'm not cut-out for that workload.

So here I am, listening to ASMR for some hours lying under a blanket on my carpet. Lucky that I can do something like that. Worrying a bit about how I'm going to cope without exercizing, since I found out that I injured myself last week. Ironically, I injured myself while doing PT exercises..!

When I forced myself to go into work again last night, it was like a switch flipped and I was completely fine. I liked how it felt, that I could be functional in that moment, but it does also sound a bit like dissociation...

[tinyascanbe]

Beetle Shells Chapter 2

TW: nudity, very slight noncon, medical, insects

No sexual content

Deeply asleep from exhaustion and the effects from her transformation, Clementine began to have a nightmare. Horned brown glossy beetles surrounding her (at her once normal height), crawling up her, prickling legs like razors on her skin. I felt the pain in the dream and yet was glued in place, unable to even move my arms to knock off the insects. A strong odor filled my nose…sweet…but harsh like vinegar. I realized it was the pheromone, i was dripping it onto the ground, exuding the liquid as it quickly vaporized. I couldnt close my mouth or even scream as I felt the beetles begin crawling up my neck.

Immediately broken from sleep, a monumental force pushed me further into the balled up shirt. I looked around confused for a moment as my head felt clearer and the realization of everything slapped me in the face.

Kyles massive face loomed in front of me scrunched up in a look of concern eliciting a scream.

“Hey im sorry I didnt mean to scare you or hurt you with that poke, I just couldnt wake you up for awhile, I was really concerned. I cant feel a pulse on something…so little..” He trailed off and brought his face closer.

What kind of fucked up reality is this?! I attempt to move backwards but to my dismay I cant produce the force to push farther back on the shirt so i dart my eyes around observing the new location.

Im on a bed, presumably Kyles, that stretches out for what seems like forever with a fluffy blue comforter. I spot posters that look like huge billboards and the ceiling looks so so far away that its hard for me to make out any features of the overhead light. Its all too much. I realize my breathing has quickened and panic is swelling within me. I grab a corner of the shirt and pull it over the rest of my body/head and use the darkness to try and steady my emotions.

“Hey….please dont hide..” Kyle brought his hands and lifted the shirt to reveal my head. The panic and fear was tangible. Hesitantly a huge finger approached my head and despite my eyes widening and head tilting back at the massive and powerful form towering above.

He lowered the finger onto my head and its weight and size stunned me. He slowly dragged his finger back, petting my hair while he averted his eyes.

“Im hope this isnt weird I just dont know how to comfort someone at this size. I want to let you know that youre safe with me and Ill take care of you until we find a way to get you back to your normal size. Unless you have somewhere else you’d prefer to be.”

I look up and speak for the first time since Ive become so small.

“Thank you.” Its clear my shyness is apparent from the softness of my voice and I wonder how it might sound to someone of his size.

I lay in the shirt upon his thigh, heat radiating through me and my breath slows, eyes drifting close again.

“You cant sleep yet, we have to take care of your wounds Clem. You’re not really in a position to take care of them yourself at the moment. If you get an infection at this size, youre toast. Im going to take you to the bathroom now, Ill try and walk slowly for you.”

I lift up my head and observe the two hands close in on me and lift me. I observe the beige carpet and swallow realizing just how far of a fall it would be. I grip the shirt tightly and squeeze my eyes shut, waiting for it to be over.

Im lowered onto a marble countertop and watch Kyles features flush. A small medicine cabinet attached to the wall above the sink is opened above and he leans over me to sift through the contents. I stare up and the stories high man before me and watch him push back his long silky hair behind his ear. He pulls out gauze, antibiotic ointment, medical scissors, and a q-tip. My twisted or sprained ankle throbbed and Id wish I were able to walk on it so I could just take care of it all myself.

“Well… Im just going to get on with it then” Kyle states, his face flushing even darker. He moves his hands down and hesitates before removing the shirt from my tiny grasp and fully exposing me. I felt violated in the moment, like a baby getting their diaper changed. He looked me over and gently applied a prepared hand towel, damp with warm water and soap, that looked the size of a pool to me. He slowly dragged it down my body and I squirmed from the heat and rough fabric against the cuts from the glass and bug legs. A hiss escaped my lips.

“I know…I know..” he whispered from his massive lips.

“Can you flip for me?” He asked in a sheepish tone.

The embarrassment was horrific. It was like getting a brazillian wax. Bowing my head i adjust my position and then flip over as I was told to, shame overcoming me and pain shooting through my ankle. I soon felt the washcloth drape on my back and drag downward a few times. Two fingers suddenly clamped down on my sides cand lifted me into the air, my body dangling in front of his observant eyes before I was lowered onto a white fluffy hand cloth. I quickly pulled the fabric to cover myself.

“Not yet Clem. Im sorry.. Im just trying to help you. We’re almost done.” Kyle stated, still flushed as he reexposed me, now holding a qtip and antibiotic ointment.

I quickly used my hands to cover myself and crossed my legs, laid out on my back, and squeezing my eyes shut. Thick globs of the ointment now covered most of my skin which was pretty sticky and gross feeling. Kyle reached down and pulled the fluffy fabric around me, relief washing over me that it was finally done.

Silence dragged between us until a roll of gauze that was half the size of my body was held up against me. Looking up, I saw him nod and cut a 10 inch strip of it and open a small butterfly bandage.

“If you wrap this around yourself, I’ll secure it with the butterfly bandage and youll have a makeshift wrap dress, which should suffice for now.”

I take the dangling fabric from his outstretched hand and quickly wrap it around myself. He secures the bandage, bringing his fingers to gently press it on. He hesitates and brings a finger to brush my hair back from my bowed head.

“Cmon, lets go watch a tv show or something. Nothing else left we can do to change the situation tonight”

[yuri-for-businesswomen]

hi again, I’m the anon who asked if I can ramble.

first off I just want to say thank you, you are very kind to each person who’s in your inbox and you are so incredibly smart. I wish you all the best in the upcoming year.

so, I have this problem - I get infatuated my men very quickly, even if I see them just one time and don’t talk to them. I’ve been in radical feminism for over 2 years now and thankfully, this problem has become less of a headache for me now. I’m very thankful to radfem for it. but still, just when I think I’m finally free from my obsession with guys, it starts again, every half a year or so. In summer I was obsessing with this one barista, I even initiated a conversation with him and asked for his number. I was very conflicted, because with a sober head I understood, that I don’t even like him. but it as a time when my dog died, I was highly apathetic and emotional. and I just kept fantasising about him.

and this is the core of the problem for me, I just keep imagining various romantic scenarios with guys. it started when I was an early teen. and the thing is, I don’t want to think about all that. I can’t seem to stop. it feels out of my control, it exhausts and haunts me, because who am I if I can’t even control my own thoughts ?? I don’t want to be romantically involved with these guys, but my brain seems to demand me I get infatuated with them.

and I’m getting reminded of that again, because there is again this one guy. also, so I don’t forget to mention. most of the time, the guys I’m getting obsessed over are ugly. like, literally. I’m seeing it with my sober head. but when I enter this state I don’t seem to notice it. I understand it’s because it feels safer this way, “crushing” on a guy who’s uglier.

I also understand partially where’s the root of a problem hides. I had an abusive and neglectful father. plus societal expectations. plus all of these romance movies and tropes, which most girls consume from an early stage of childhood. but I also had an abusive mother. and I don’t get this sort of thing with women. (Im bisexual). around a month ago I was questioning my bisexuality very hard, since I get so little crushes on women. but then I feel hard for one. It felt so freeing. finally getting real butterflies because of a real feeling towards a woman. not I man whom I imagined in my head. the thing is, I can’t even say I’m crushing hard on men. It doesn’t seem like a crush, it seems like an obsession.

I can’t even talk about it with my friends, since it seems batshit insane. but for these couple of days I had almost non stop intrusive romantic thoughts and imaginary scenarios with this one guy. and Jesus Christ, I’ve seen him for the second time yesterday, and I felt nothing towards him. but when I got home, the thoughts resumed. so much so that I didn’t know where to put myself. I even searched up his socials and thought of various plans of getting to talk to him more. but I don’t want to!!!! what the actual hell. I really don’t know how to stop it. these thoughts really plague my mind and scares me very much.

thank you again if you read all of that. you are a wonderful person.

hello, are you me?! it has gotten a bit better with age but i still get these weird obsessions (obsessions, not crushes as you fittingly put it) and start daydreaming about them meeting my parents and us marrying (i want neither of these things?!). im bisexual too and its more with men than women, i think for similar reasons as you, neglectful parents and being raised by the tv which promotes these (hetero) romantic ideas. the daydreaming doesnt bother me that much but i hate that i have issues acting normal around those people and also focus on my looks more. does it also lead to bad decisions? because if it doesnt i wouldnt worry too much about it. daydreaming can be comfort. looking up someones socials or asking for a number is also not that bad albeit i deeply understand it starts to get to you when you cant turn it off and it feels almost compulsory (had this too, i have concocted and partly realised some weird shenanigans to get closer to my obsession). since i really relate to this i can imagine you like me have made dumb and regretful decisions because of this in the past as you already sketched out.

how old are you? because for me it has definitely gotten better with age and also with dating more. i always felt like i was „behind“ my peers when it comes to being romantically involved with people and the older i got the less worried i was. radical feminism helped a lot too to see that this doesnt make me any less valuable. sorry im talking a lot about myself here but i just relate a lot! overall i dont think the obsessions are much to worry about but with everything you have shared i would say there are probably some deeper issues you have to work through (no shade the same applies to me). have you ever been in therapy or considered going? that might be a good start. and honestly talk to your friends about it. its not that weird! i have a friend who rejoices in my obsession stories and it has helped me feel better about it.

i hope this was any help to you, youre more than welcome to drop into my inbox again or send me a direct message!

[conanssummerchild]

im pissed and im petty and bitter so here are my ex best friends red flags bcs fuck her and now that we're not friends i can stop pretending she was perfect

1. she had such a fucking superiority complex

i swear to god she always thought what she was doing was better or right, for example im really bad at school and she was little miss straight a's, which is fine, until she made it my business too. one time i was talking about struggling in maths and she gave me some advice and i said i did it differently and she said like "well who's in the low maths class?" i never talked to her about academics again. and thats only one example of so many

2. she complained so goddamn much

i swear to god every fucking hour she was venting about something, and it was really uncomfortable ngl bcs i never ever talk about my feelings and i wasnt used to someone being so open, which yeah i know my way isnt healthy either but i swear she had to make everything become about her feelings, like shut your fucking mouth

3. speaking of, she said like that it was weird for her when i talked to her about my dad

like i said i dont talk about my feelings but since she was so open i tried to be more open for her, but i guess i shouldve just kept my mouth shut, bcs i never ever complained abt her venting but when i did it it was too much aparently also i asked her this:

and she never bothered answering. hypocritical if u ask me

4. she reminded me too much of my sister

this isnt a flaw of her own and more of a me problem, but she was too much like my sister and i shouldve identified that as the issue it was earlier on (if ur not familiar with me, me and my sister have a really bad relationship) maybe then i wouldve been able to work through it and it wouldnt have been a problem

5. she was lowkey kinda patronising

she used this fucking voice at me sometimes (usually in autism related issues) and i tried to convince myself it was sweet and comforting but really it felt like she was speaking to a child (i do not fucking like being infantilised.) in fact a lot of the ways she treated me made me feel like a child and it fucking. sucked.

6. everytime i was struggling she would tell me how hard it was for her

I GET IT OH MY GOD SHUT UP. like the first time i didnt mind it, because i knew it was true, but like was it really necessary to say it every. fucking. time? i dont talk about my feelings normally. if she knew i was feeling bad it was only because i was feeling so bad i couldnt hold it together anymore or i was nonverbal. i understand im difficult to deal with like that but telling me how bad it makes you feel just makes me feel more like shit. not everything is about you and your feelings dude

7. she was really gatekeepy over this one youtuber i started watching

ok so theres this youtuber zara beth who one day i discovered on yt and i rlly liked her and so i told my ex bsf and she was like oh yeah i bet u only watched her videos on autism 😒 and she was being like so passive agressive the whole conversation like GIRL, CHILL. even if i did only watch her videos on autism whats wrong with that (and like i didnt even, i watched all of them on 2x speed and binged her entire account)

THE THREE DOTS??? 💀

8. several of the few times i would tell her abt smth that i was upset over she would just straight up change the subject 😭

9. she liked physical contact too much

ik this isnt a red flag really but im not comfortable with so much physical contact so we weren't compatible in this way

10. she liked video calls too much

again, not really a red flag but video calls and just phone calls in general make me so uncomfortable and exhausted and honestly its even kinda overstimulating and she always wanted to call

11. she said she didnt feel like anything was going on in the aftermath of us having had a disagreement, but it built up so much that we havent talked since. so i would say maybe we shouldve talked about it (like i suggested). ('my face was grey but you wouldnt admit that we were sick' vibes)

theres more red flags, but there was also so much good, it wasnt all bad, which makes it hurt more, she truly showed me what it felt like to love and i miss her painfully every day.

[sweetofsin]

anyway. i think it was yesterday that i started to slowly just feel not great, exhausted, depleted, depressed. and i was wondering why? oftentimes it's so easy for me to blame it on my body like oh maybe it's something cycle related, maybe because i'm not getting enough sleep, etc.

and of course those don't help the issue either... but it's also like. girl. you need people. you need friends. and yes, it's wonderful and beautiful to be able to talk to people online and in your phone, but you also need to *see* people. not just people out of obligation or because you have to. and family doesn't count either because it comes with all this baggage, past and present. you need to experience and be around people that you genuinely want to be around. that you feel comfortable with

like at my job, it's not super horrible but i still have to mask (to a certain extent.) none of them knows i'm gay, i don't feel comfortable sharing a lot of personal or private details because everyone shares things and talks too much. my coworkers are kind to me which is cool but you know. that's about it. i don't feel seen by any of them, most are there to gossip and get a check. that's about it

it's hard too cause sometimes i forget how necessary it is to go outside to places you love and enjoy and experience life with beautiful beings—because sometimes it takes a while before it really hits me. and then when it hits me, it starts spiraling downhill pretty quickly because it's already been so long, you know? i am trying to get better at that habit so that way it feels more balanced. but i also don't blame myself too much because in order to meet people and go out, you need money... a car... some type of transportation... and then you need people you genuinely enjoy and want to desire to go out with as well

it's also hard because sometimes i forget that life is not enjoyable when you're experiencing crumbs. you shouldn't have to force yourself and your body to be like, "well i should be happy because at least i have x!" like, gratitude is beautiful and important, indeed. it can be very easy to take things for granted in a world that teaches us to constantly compare and strive for more, when more isn't always better.

simultaneously, it's like. why am i shocked that even if my life doesn't feel extremely horrible right now, i'm slowly becoming depressed? it happens like this almost every time lol it's like i will expect for me to only feel genuinely depressed and exhausted when so many things are occurring or i'm experiencing a crisis. it's also an intellectualization thing too like, trying my best to just push through and understand and then when my body is like, "okay yeah we understand why these things are occurring but that doesn't mean you will emotionally feel completely fine and happy about it" is like, oh! right. yes.

alexithymia also doesn't help cause i'll literally have to sit there and analyze what is happening in my life to figure out why is my body So Exhausted and feeling so Weird and it's like, oh. right. yes. i see now

anywayz.... yes i'm allowed to experience depression and exhaustion—even if it doesn't feel like my life is in extreme shambles (especially compared to what i experienced earlier this year). if i'm literally missing out on core needs that makes most humans happy, then it makes sense that i would not... feel happy.

i believe i constantly underestimate the power that comes with experiencing life with people you love, making memories that are not just through the digital. although i do underestimate it less and less, because i've been lucky enough to have more experiences of what it's like to live life with people, so it becomes harder to ignore when my body is like, "babe! you need someone, rn. like... literally now. and you also need to go out and experience life. and places. not just laying in bed for most of the days and then wondering why your muscles and your body is cramping up. or wondering why you're depressed when your days have been similar on repeat and all you mainly know is the four walls of your house or your job."

one of the things that does suck is that connections take time to build 🙄 and i be wanting to speed run that shit sometimes because i'm like ughhhh but i want us to cry on each others shoulders and be excited and be super curious right now.... not some unprecedented amount of time later.... but i'm also completely okay with not speed running connections in praxis because tired of that experience and also it genuinely just sucks lmao

[moved-to-aromanticsuzuya]

okay you guys convinced me to write about my memories so here it is. it's gonna be kinda messy but uhh I just need to get it off my chest

a bunch of Suzuya Juuzou nonsense under cut. it will NOT make sense I'm just writing it down before I forget. if you understand something out of it that's awesome if you don't then it's okay me neither. general CW for mentions of murder, violence, suicidal/intrusive thoughts?

first of all, I'd like to say that I regret some of my behavior. I wish I wasn't that messed up and violent and I wish I was healthier in general.

now to the actual rant, I don't even know which memories were a part of the original written down Suzuya lore in tkg, and which weren't. I can't tell. it all mixes together, because those are my experiences either way.

I don't remember a lot, but at the same time I remember so much. or rather, I KNOW so much, but I don't REMEMBER a lot. that doesn't really make sense, does it? I don't know.

I remember the academy. I was a violent teen, I was apathetic, I was unstable, yeah. for a while. but it's because I was so hurt and it was so normalized in my head. I wish it wasn't. I wish I knew other ways to show my discomfort or anger that didn't involve lashing out or punching or anything.

i tried my best to get along with the other cadets and whatever, but no matter how hard I tried they just didn't want to be anywhere near me. I guess I was too weird. I didn't really get them either, I tried to understand how their heads work and why they Care so much but I just kind of couldn't. grades and whatever it is we learned about didn't really interest me much, I was too busy zoning out and replaying unpleasant memories in my head. maybe that's why I didnt know almost anything about ghouls at 19 despite being an investigator?

as for the empathy/apathy thing, it was more complicated than that. it was all Really Really complicated and I'm STILL confused. I guess I didn't know how to cope, and I in general became so desensitized to violence and the concept of morality I just felt Nothing regarding the topic when it was brought up? other than that, it's not that I felt Nothing ALL the time, my brain just decided the trauma was too much to handle and tucked it away somewhere to never think about, and then decided that caring about other people again is a waste of time and energy and is just going to get me hurt.

for a while I didn't know what to do with myself. I just kind of followed Shinohara around and looked forward to slashing up ghouls because it was fun (but actually, it was more of an outlet for my emotions and intrusive thoughts, and all that pain and hurt I never let myself think about went into stabbing and cutting). I attended those stupid meetings and tried so hard not to fall asleep. I listened to his lectures about ghoul anatomy and physiology even though I didn't really care. I didn't really care about anything at the time, all i wanted was to curl up in the corner somewhere and cry. cry it all out. maybe go back to mama. maybe die. living was too exhausting and painful and I wanted to push everyone away

Im so mad at myself for saying I wouldn't care if something happened to Shinohara. and for being so fucking difficult to deal with in general, and for being an ungrateful little bitch. he was nothing but kind to me and I didn't know how to show my appreciation for him. It was all scary and new, I wasn't used to somebody caring so much. but I did care. I just never showed it. I'm so stupid I feel so guilty and bad and I miss him.

okay my head hurts and all of this made me really sad so I'm not going to write any more for now. good news is, Suzuya Juuzou gets Better and Grows as a person after all this and actually becomes semi normal. so I'm gonna write about that some other time and you can all tell me how proud you are of me for coming this far

[the-cult-of-russo]

Do Me Damage (Part 4)

Pairing: Billy Russo x Reader

Warnings: cursing, angst, mentions of drugs. 

A/N: This is it for now guys, but I promise I'll get around to finishing this at some point. I've got so many stories on the go right now, it's crazy. I can't keep up with myself lmao

----

Over the next month, you'd ended up spending time with Billy with the rest of the group and you became closer to Karen. Billy had obviously told Frank everything, who in turn told Karen. And with you working together, you became closer to her and even opened up yourself. She was always super understanding about the whole thing and whenever she invited you out, she would be clear if Billy would be there or not. You'd been out for drinks with the gang and even at some little dinner parties Karen liked to host at her place. Curtis and Micro were always super nice, as was Sarah when she'd attend. You became close with Frank too who'd taken on an almost older brother role. Something that Billy would sometimes seemingly get jealous of, making passive-aggressive comments. You'd started to think Frank was doing it on purpose to push his buttons. It was a little comical to you though and it gave you a bit of satisfaction at his jealousy. Leanna would also sometimes be there and she was always giving Billy the cold shoulder. You'd tried to ask her to be nicer but she'd told you as your best friend it was her job to be a bitch to him until she felt like he didn't deserve it anymore. To Billy's credit, he'd really been trying to win her over since he knew how much she meant to you. You'd not hung out with him alone and things were still a little awkward between the two of you, but it did get a little easier with time and you'd become part of the group easily and you felt like you fit well with them. Sometimes Billy would tell the group stories about some of the things you'd both gotten up to back at the group home. It would always hit you with a wave of nostalgia and those times, it was easy to forget about everything that happened and it would almost feel like he'd never left. Despite the time that had passed and how both of you had aged and grown, he was still the Billy you knew underneath it all. 

You were sitting at your desk feeling exhausted. You and Karen had been working on something about the Italian mob and it was hard and draining work. It was rewarding though knowing you were uncovering things that might help make New York safer for everyone. It was lunchtime but you hadn't stopped to get food. You were too busy looking through some information you'd gotten and furiously making notes. You heard the door knock of your shared office with Karen but you didn't look up from your notepad.

"Come in," you called out. When the door opened you glanced up, doing a double take when you saw Billy walk in. He was in one of his pristine suits and he gave you a smile as he shut the door, moving to Karen's chair and wheeling it over to the other side of your desk. Karen wasn't in work today because she'd gotten sick so you'd had the office to yourself.

"What's that?" You asked curiously as he put a paper bag on the desk. He gave you a rueful smirk as he shrugged.

"Open it and find out," he replied vaguely. You opened the bag and felt your mouth water as you saw your favorite sandwich from the nice little diner down the street. 

"I have a feeling you didn't just come here to feed me," you snorted before taking a large bite of the sandwich. Billy got his own sandwich out of the bag as he settled deeper in his chair.

"What? I can't just visit a friend for lunch?" He asked wryly. 

"Well yeah, but things are still a little awkward with us so this is a bit weird," you said bluntly with a smirk. He chuckled as he nodded, glancing from his sandwich to you.

"Alright, I wanted to ask you somethin'," he admitted sheepishly. You felt nerves bloom in your belly having no idea what it might be. You blinked at him for a moment as he ate a bite of his sandwich before he spoke again. 

"So, I'm hostin' an event tonight, a gala. It's a charity thing. Frank was supposed to come but he's busy lookin' after Karen so I wanted to know if you'll come with me. I think you'd be a better fit for the charity anyway," he said carefully. You were a little caught off guard by the invitation and you didn't know what to say for a moment.

"What charity is it?" You asked curiously as you tried to buy time to figure out what to say. 

"Bright Futures," he replied without looking at you, eating more of his food. You were a little surprised but also not at the same time. Bright Futures was a charity that helped kids in the system. You and Billy had a very bad experience in your time growing up, Billy worse than you. Part of you wouldn't think he'd be interested in a charity that would remind him of that. But you also knew the charity was working hard to help kids like you and Billy and working hard to abolish abuse that often took place in group homes. It made sense he'd want to help stop other kids suffering the same fate he had. Now you knew what he meant when he said you'd be a better fit for the charity instead of Frank.

"I've never been to a fancy event before but sure, I'll go with you," you said, making him look at you with a shocked but bright smile. You had a feeling he needed support for this. He could easily go alone to something like this, you knew he'd attended events alone many times before because it wasn't really Frank's scene. But the fact he wanted someone there and knowing his past had you thinking he needed someone to lean on while there and hearing things that might conjure up unpleasant memories. You thought it might also help with re-bonding with him. You'd been slowly building your friendship back up but it still wasn't solid like it used to be.

"Really? You'll come?" He asked, almost like he expected you to take it back the moment you'd said it.

"Yeah. I don't have a dress or anything though so I'll need to get one," you murmured thoughtfully. 

"Don't worry about that, I'll take care of it. I'll pick you up at 8," he grinned. He tossed his sandwich wrapper in the trash before he stood up. With one last smile, he left your office and you sat there feeling slightly bewildered. 

You got home around six and not long after, someone knocked on your door. It was a guy with what you presumed to be a dress in a grey bag on a hanger and a box. You were pretty sure he was one of Billy's guys after he told you 'Mr Russo' told him to hand deliver them to you. The shoes were expensive and the dress even more so. You could have easily afforded them yourself and you weren't sure how to feel about Billy buying them but you knew Billy. You knew he felt like he owed you since you were doing him a favor by coming with him. He hated being in debt with anyone, even for small things. You were considering paying him back even though you knew he'd put up a fight. The dress was a black ball gown adorned with deep red lace accents. It made you feel like a princess. You spent time making your hair look nice and your make-up before picking some simple but elegant jewellery to go with it. You felt odd dressed like this but you kind of liked it. It wasn't every day you could play dress up and you were enjoying the novelty. It was just after you'd finished getting ready that you heard another knock at the door. A quick glance at the clock told you it was dead on 8 pm and you made your way over to the door and opened it. You'd seen Billy in his fancy suits for work quite a bit. He'd changed a lot since you'd last known him since he now had money but you'd gotten used to seeing him dressed all fancy. However, you weren't really prepared to see him wearing a tux. He'd always looked handsome no matter what he wore but this was almost overwhelming and you felt a weird sensation in your stomach like a flock of wild birds were trying to get out. 

His dark eyes swept over you for a moment, his lips parted yet no words coming out. 

"You uh… you look beautiful," he murmured softly. You felt your cheeks heating up a little at the compliment and you smiled shyly.

"Thanks, so do you," you smirked wryly, making him chuckle and lower his head bashfully.

"Shall we?" He asked, holding an arm out to you. You nodded before grabbing your clutch and taking his arm. The ride there was filled with small talk, the air between you still somewhat strained and weird. Especially since there wasn't anyone there to act as a buffer. He spoke to you a little more about the charity. You found out that while Billy often attended these kinds of events, Anvil would sometimes host them too, mainly raising money for charity. It was also really good for networking with the people that would attend. You'd been a little shocked about how involved with charity he seemed to be but only because this new CEO Billy had been a completely different person to the Billy you used to know in your mind. But clearly, he hadn't changed all that much. Billy always helped people out in his own ways when he was younger. From kicking some guy's ass at the group home because he was picking on a younger kid and making him cry to helping old ladies walking across the street. 

You'd wanted to ask him about Bright Futures and how he became involved with them but you didn't feel like it was your place. Not anymore. You used to be able to ask him anything without a care and it made you a little sad. When he pulled up, he got out and ran around to your side to open your door for you. You shot him an amused look as he smirked and you took his arm again. The valet took his keys and you walked inside. The place was large and the architecture was pretty, it was decorated nicely and everyone there was dressed to the nines. Most of the women looked like models and it made you suddenly feel like you were nothing more than a little girl playing dress up.

"There's a lot of people here. Fancy, beautiful people," you muttered with a frown as your eyes darted around. 

"C'mon… We're easily the most beautiful people here," he smirked. You snorted and glanced at him as he gave you a toothy grin. Before you could say anything, he let go of your arm and swiped two glasses off a tray as a server walked passed. He handed one to you and you sipped it, you weren't surprised it was champagne. 

"You don't gotta worry. We need to just make the rounds and stuff and then we can go and hang out at the bar or somethin'," he explained. He looked at ease here, standing tall in his tux with not a single strand of hair out of place. You on the other hand were sipping your drink as you shifted on your feet. This wasn't your world and you weren't used to it. 

You followed him around as he spoke to a bunch of people. He introduced you as his best friend every time and you'd be a liar if you said it didn't make your heart beat all funny when he did. It felt nice. You'd met a range of different people. Other CEOs of various companies, people that worked in the government and people involved in the charity. Most of them were nice, albeit a little snobby for the most part, but Billy had a natural charm that made all the conversation easy and the champagne he kept supplying you with also helped. You'd met someone high-ranking in the CIA too and Billy told you how he'd just signed a contract with Anvil that was important and would really help the business. You'd played along with polite smiles and small talk, trying to act like you belonged here. You knew this was important to Billy. 

"Russo! Quite the event you have here," a blonde man grinned as he walked over. He was wearing a tux too although he had nothing on Billy. He looked somewhat familiar and it itched the back of your brain as Billy shook his hand.

"You know I don't do things half-assed," Billy smirked widely, moving to stand closer to you with your arms touching.

"And who's this pretty little thing?" The guy asked. His eyes wandered your body in a way that made you uncomfortable and you felt Billy's body tense up next to you. 

"This is Y/N, my best friend. Y/N, this is Terry Winters. He's the CEO of a tech company," Billy said politely. You heard the tension in his voice though.

"Nice to meet you," you offered with a small smile. 

"The pleasure's all mine," he smirked, holding a hand out to you. You took it despite not wanting to, something about this guy rubbed you the wrong way. He brought your hand to his lips and placed a kiss on it that made you bite back a remark. They started to talk business as you stood there sipping on your drink before the CIA guy walked over. You couldn't remember his name nor his rank. All this business talk was making your brain melt.

"Mr Russo, sorry to interrupt but I have some people I want you to meet," he said with a smile. Billy nodded and you knew this was important business stuff. You weren't looking forward to standing around and not understanding any of it but you were happy for him. He'd worked hard for this.

"I'll see you later, Terry. Business calls," Billy said ruefully.

"No worries. I'm sure Y/N can keep me company until you're done," he grinned. You squinted, Billy glancing at you and back at him as he hesitated for a moment. 

"Go. It's fine," you murmured softly. Billy didn't look happy about it but a look over at the group of men waiting for him had him nodding tensely. He gave you one last look before he left with the CIA guy. 

"So… how are you enjoying the event?" Terry asked, snatching another glass from a tray as it went past. It was for him though, not for you.

"It's nice. Billy worked really hard and it seems like it's going well," you replied politely with a smile.

"Yeah, Billy knows how to throw a good event. Can't wait to leave though, I'm only here for appearances. All this talk about these kids bores me," he chuckled. You pursed your lips and tilted your head as you looked at him.

"Bores you? It's a charity event," you stated flatly. You had a feeling this guy was an asshole but it seemed you underestimated how much.

"Come on, like I care about these kids. They're doomed anyway. They all grow up to be messed up adults and blame their issues on the fact they were in the system. Let's face it, they were doomed the moments their mommies and daddies didn't want them anymore," he snorted. You felt like someone poured ice-cold water all over you, his words twisting uncomfortably inside of you. You presumed he had no idea Billy himself grew up in the system.

"I grew up in the system," you said with a quirked brow. He looked shocked for a moment before he burst out laughing. 

"Of course you did, I'm not surprised. You think I don't recognise you? You used to sell drugs for Tony. I gotta say, I'm surprised Russo picked you to come with. He's usually here with models, not dirty drug dealers," he smirked wickedly. You didn't even know what to say. His words bit at you and you felt anger washing over you, you wanted to chew him out but you wouldn't embarrass Billy that way. You knew you’d recognised him from somewhere. It was funny how when the rich wanted a fix they’d go to the ‘dirty drug dealers’ and have no qualms about it.

"I'd say it was nice meeting you, but that would be a lie. I hope I don't see you again," you said coldly with a fake smile before walking away to the bar. You hated how his words hurt you. You knew he was being an asshole and you weren't ashamed of your past or the fact you used to be a drug dealer, it was just part of your story. But for some reason, his words upset you and you didn't like it. You stood at the bar stewing in your anger and misery as you sipped on some cocktails. You wanted something stronger but getting drunk wouldn't do anyone any favors. While Terry's words directed at you hurt you, what annoyed you more was the way he talked about the kids who grow up in the system. You knew from experience it was hard, growing up without parents and in places that oftentimes were abusive. These kids needed help, not being treated like they were burdens or just doomed because of circumstances that were out of their control. 

By the time Billy came over to you, you were slightly tipsy and just as angry and upset.

"Sorry, took longer than I thought. Might have a few new contacts though," he smiled as he sidled next to you and ordered a whisky. 

"It's okay," you shrugged as you sipped your drink. He glanced at you for a moment and you felt his gaze burning into you.

"What's wrong?" He asked. When you didn't answer, he shifted and grabbed your chin so you'd look at him. He frowned deeply, his eyes narrowed a little. 

"You mad at me for leavin' you with Terry? I know he's an asshole but I-" he started apologetically, but you cut him off.

"I'm not mad at you. And yeah, he's a real asshole," you muttered. He dropped your face as his drink came but he kept looking at you.

"He do somethin'?" He asked lowly. You didn't want to cause drama so you shook your head as you toyed with the glass in your hand.

"Y/N," his voice held a warning tone to it and you heaved a sigh. As you told him about what Terry had said about the charity and the kids in the group homes, Billy's face was thunderous. But when you told him what he'd said about you, his face turned murderous and he was clutching his glass so tight you were surprised it didn't shatter in his hand.

"I'm gonna kill him," he growled, setting the glass harshly on the bar before he stormed off.

"Shit," you hissed, following after him the best you could, tipsy and in heels. 

"Billy, don't. This event is for the kids, remember? Don't ruin all your hard work for a piece of shit like him," you pleaded as you got to his side and grabbed his arm. He turned to look at you and you saw fire dancing behind his almost black eyes. You weren't sure if you'd gotten through to him or not but he started stalking off again, in the direction of Terry and a few other people.

"Fuck," you groaned, once again following after him.

 

"Winters, you need to leave," Billy said harshly as he got near the group. Terry looked confused before amused as he closed the distance between them.

"What?" He laughed.

"You heard me. Leave before I do it by force," Billy warned dangerously. Terry tilted his head before he looked at you and laughed again.

"Oh, I see. She told you what I said. Come on, man, don't be such a baby. Like you care about a dealer’s feelings," he smirked. Billy looked ready to punch him and you gripped his arm tightly. You felt him relax ever so slightly at your touch. You really didn't want him to lose his temper and Anvil to suffer for it. Billy took a looming step towards Terry and you stood there rooted in place. 

"Get the fuck outta here before my guys do it for you," Billy growled menacingly. Terry scoffed, eyes darting between you and Billy.

"Fine, didn't wanna be here anyway. Especially with the company you keep," Terry grinned maliciously. You watched carefully as he left and Billy stood there staring at him go. Once he was out of the building Billy seemed to relax but only a little. 

"I'm sorry," you frowned as he walked back over to you.

"Don't do that. Don't apologise for that asshole, you didn't do anythin' wrong," he muttered. He took your hand and led you back to the bar. A few people had witnessed the interaction but no one seemed bothered by it thankfully.

"I just didn't want to start any drama," you sighed once you got back to the bar. Billy was silent and tense as he drained his drink before ordering another and it made you feel on edge.

"Are you mad at me?" You asked warily. His head snapped to you then and he shook it.

"Nah, only mad I didn't get to make him bleed. He's got no right talkin' to you like that. Your past ain't somethin' to be ashamed of," he huffed. 

"You didn't seem to think that when you ran into me that day," you pointed out carefully. He scoffed and shot you a glare.

"That's 'cause I thought you were forced into it and it was my fault. It was a shock seein' you again, I don't judge you for what you did," he explained. While you didn't need his validation, it did feel nice to hear that from him. His reaction to your previous job had upset you even if you did understand why he’d have an issue with it. 

"I uh… I just didn't like the position you were puttin’ yourself in. Bein’ around criminals and drug users. A pretty girl like you in a situation like that… It’s not good news. I need you safe and away from harm, away from bad people," he shrugged.

"I'm not some damsel you need to save, Billy," you said lightly. 

"Yeah, I know," he chuckled. He raised his glass to yours and you clinked your glasses together with a smile.

The rest of the night passed without drama or more assholes. It was mostly you and Billy at the bar reminiscing over better times. It was nice and you felt like some of the walls that had been dividing you both had been chipped away. When the event was over, he drove you home and walked you to your door despite you telling him there was no need.

"Thanks for comin' with me tonight," he murmured softly as you both lingered outside of your door.

"Don't mention it. Congrats on the money raised," you smiled. His event had raised a crap tonne of money for Bright Futures and you were proud of him. 

"Thanks," he said softly with a smile. You were caught slightly off guard when he leaned down and wrapped his arms around you. It wasn't as weird as the last time he'd done it though. 

"We should hang out just us more often," he murmured as you both held each other for a moment.

"Yeah, it was fun," you grinned as you moved away. There was a moment where you both lingered there before you unlocked the door. 

"Goodnight, Y/N," he said quietly as he watched you open the door.

"Night, Billy," you replied, giving him a smile before you slipped inside. Despite the incident with Terry, you'd had a lot of fun with him and you missed hanging out with him. You felt more hopeful that maybe things could get back on track with you both with more time. He'd changed but he hadn't all at the same time. Deep down he was still the same Billy you knew and loved. 

Taglist: (if you’ve been asked to be tagged and aren’t here, it wouldn’t let me tag some people.)

@firexfate

@blanchedelioncourt

@ariesbutalibra

@sunshinedaisies-anddeath

@snowkestrel

@music-indie-tv

@idaofinfinity

@sweetserendipity65

@ramadiiiisme

@k-marzolf

@celestialams

@woowwwee

[olgunia]

also... i feel like writing it down and getting it out of my system but... i mean... i told my boyfriend and two best friends... and my new therapist. . .. (i'm finally getting help!!! and it turned out that i was right!! it is that i have been suffering from utmattningssyndrom [exhaustion disorder] for the past 2 years! and also! finally i accept the fact that i have been suffering from it and i feel less of an impostor and also!! for the past 3 months i have been recovering and feeling better and better with every week, i wanted to cry last week when i was able to cycle! every day!! it was impossible even a month ago, i felt so humiliated with how little energy i had all the time.. usch, don't wish that shit on anyone) said that we're gonna Look Into It.. TBC

ok but yes, the thing is that 3 months ago one thought struck me and that is that i may be autistic.. at first i did cry bc i felt overwhelmed and scared because i have this imagine in my head of prejudice and lack of understanding what autism really is and that people on SM are trying to be quirky or special or whatever, i don't even know! it just felt so overwhelming.. but after that i had conducted more research that has been ongoing and.. i think apart from the fact that i just feel like i'm an impostor and that if i would say it out loud - other people will think that i'm 'making it up' (hehe that hasn't happened and those 3 close ppl are supportive BUT!!!) ---- apart from that.. the more i read and think - it just becomes more apparent that i am on the spectrum! and once again it feels like a lot but on the other hand it would explain so many things!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! some silly things like me having to ask people if they're joking bc i really can't tell lol, same with irony, to not getting if someone is flirting with me, to people believing i'm being flirty while i'm just interested and excited about the topic and want to be nice lol, me losing my fucking everything and exploding internally while having to go for e.g. on tour - no matter how much i like someone - to be in the same space [car/venue/sleeping place] and to not have enough 'alone time' is just! i just fucking cant! mental breakdowns every 2nd day! i hate spending too much time with people (that doesn't apply to my boyfriend though but till exempel to my family/friends) in the same space! ----- and i mean... i have been diagnosed with ocd and social phobia while being a teenager but there were some things that have been.. puzzling me and now! it feels like i found the missing puzzle! and it feels both good and weird

and other things like being naive, an open book, shitload of thoughts, feeling intense feelings towards stuff - loving/hating, having hard time with 'not exploding' and att hantera emotions, seeing 'patterns', these whole stemming thing- whenever i listen to music that i love it's just.. i just cant NOT move fingers or hands or legs, getting stuck with some sayings/catchphrases that change every now and then, i guess i also overshare stuff but hard to tell hehe, always trying to learn how to navigate small talks and talking and social things, being called blunt, believing that i lack empathy because i just.. i cant imagine how it is to 'put myself in someone's shoes', loving 'shitposting' or wordplay bc they're either absurd and therefore funny or just easy to understand hehe, planning things, not being able to summarize things, doing lots of lists, i just f-ing love to research, getting sucked into things and having a very hard time to get out but also having a hard time to start doing shit and more things bla bl albla lbllalalal.. . .. writing it down so i can have it for future purposes

but yes.. it's scary but good i guess to realise that? Smiley Emoji