#But hey I’m 18 now so I can at least drink myself into a coma induced fever dream where she got what she deserved as a villain

[lavender-descendentheart]

He ha this poster made her seem SIGNIFICANTLY more powerful and important then she actually ended up being ya know got wiped by wukong and then later does absolutely nothing while being dumbed down then dies after getting a hint of backstory that was interesting and had a chat yep

no I’m not sad or angry shut up I’m not crying as I’m writing this nope

why did they have to make her look cool in this? She did nothing!

[palettes-and-prompts]

Some Friends to Lovers Prompts for Anon

Dialogue Prompts for Friends to Lovers

1) "We're just friends! We just hang out a lot and are really similar and we just understand each other better than anyone else. It's not like that." 2) "I just don't think this person's right for you, you should date someone better, someone who gets you, someone like-" "You?" 3) "I don't know if I can just be friends with you anymore." 4) "Why are you being so secretive all the time?" "Can we please go somewhere quiet?" "No, whatever you have to say to me you can say in front of everyone here." "I'm in love with you! I'm in love with you and I've been in love with you and so I've been avoiding you because I didn't know how to say it and I didn't want to lose you and I just wanted to do this privately." "Let's go somewhere else to talk." 5) "Why did you wait to tell me this? I'm about to leave for a trip I didn't even want to go on because you made it seem like you wanted me to go." "I don't want you to go. I don't want you to go but I want you to do what you want to do, not what I want you to do. So what do you want to do?" "I wanna stay here with you." 6) "You were right, you were right about everything, I'm in love with Person B and I don't know what to do. Should I just pretend? Should I tell them?" "You just did. I was gonna tell you I put you on speaker so you could say hi to everyone but you jut kept talking." "Goddamn it, Person C!" "Person B says you should call them." 7) "I know I'm not good at this whole emotion stuff but I like you. I've got some issues I need to work on, but having you along with me just makes me fee better. I feel better when I'm with you." "I like you too." 8) "I'm in love with you." "You can't keep saying that every time I put extra Mcnuggets in your bag." "No, this time I'm serious. You're my best friend and I'm in love with you." "I'm not giving you a Mcflurry too." "No! I mean it." "Like, for real?" "I'm Mcfuckin serious right now." "I'll take my break early, just sit over there for a bit. If you're just joking I'm going to kill you." 9) "You're the first person I think of when I wake up and the last person I think about before bed. I'm in love with you." 10) "I don't think I want us to just be friends." 11) "I love you." "Aww, I love you too, you're my best friend in the whole-" "No. No, I-I'm in love with you." "What?" 12) "I think I'm in love with you." "Yeah, that's obvious." "What? It is?" "Yeah, but I love you too." 13) "I like you, and I know we're best friends and I know it's weird but I can't stop thinking about you." 14) "You can't go out with Person C. They're fucking boring and unfunny and you need someone to make you laugh and I always make you laugh so hard you your drink shoots out your nose. But it doesn't even gross me out because you're so cute. And like, they don't even get all the jokes you make. They're fuckin' lame and they don't even make you smile and you have a great smile. You shouldn't date them, you should date me instead." 15) "Is it weird I kind of want to kiss you right now?" "Is it weird I kind of want you to?" 16) "What if this ruins our friendship?" "Then we'll stop being friends." "We can't stop being friends just because of a game of Uno." "What if afterwards you don't wanna be friends and you wanna be more than friends." "This would have to be the most seductive game of Uno for that to happen." "Should I take my pants off then?" "Shut up and shuffle the cards." 17) "Hey, what's your Netflix password?" "I'm in love with you." "Is that a capital I or?" 18) "You know, we've been roommates for a long time and I've grown used to waking up to you in the morning. So much so that I can't really picture myself living with anyone else so I was wondering if maybe you and I could-" "Adopt a dog together?!" "I was gonna say try dating." "Oh! Well...can we get the dog too?" 19) "Is that my shirt?" "Yeah, I borrowed it, is that okay?" "Yeah, I...you just look good in it." "You should see how I look out of it." 20) "I'm not in love with them. I just think about them a lot because they're my friend. And I worry and about them because I care about their safety and wanna know if they're alright. I wanna be there for them for the rest of my life and it's just not like that. It sounds like it is but it's not. We're just friends."

Regular Prompts for Friends to Lovers

1) A and B are best friends but their relationship is strained when A starts dating C. At first B thinks they're just upset they don't get to spend as much time together, but when they all spend, including C. They realize they don't like seeing A and C together and what they're feeling isn't a loss of a friend, it's jealousy. 2) A has a thing for their best friend B and it's obvious to everyone but B. They decide to set them both up for a blind date and when they get there they think it's a double date C set up but when the "other dates" never show up they have dinner together and start to think they don't mind having dinner with them." 3) A has never wanted kids so when they, along with their best friend B are asked by C to watch their kids for a few weeks they don't really want to. But by the end of it they're used to it all and have grown to like the idea of having kids, but they realize they've only ever wanted to have kids with B and no one they've ever previously dated. (Bonus if B loves kids already and has always wanted them.) 4) A and B are trapped in a house by "crazy killers" and when they start coming in looking as if they're going to kill them A admits they've always loved B and that if they're going to die they at least wanted to say it. After A confesses the lights turn on and the people take off the masks, revealing themselves to be A and B's friends. (Bonus if B is dating A's best friend and they're one of the "killers" or B set the whole thing up because A's never been scared before.) *This probably works best for Halloween or October but whatever. 5) A's been trying to tell B about their feelings but keeps getting interrupted but when they get stuck at the top of the ferris wheel together they're interrupted one last time by B admitting their feelings for A. (Bonus if B's terrified of heights so they only do it because they think they might die.) 6) A's in the hospital and B is told by C that A's in a coma. B walks in seeing A hooked up to everything and they just break down and start confessing to them right there on the spot. A then proceeds to say, "I love you too but shut the fuck up, I'm trying to sleep." That's how B finds out C lied about the coma. (Bonus if A's in the hospital because they just forgot to eat properly like a person.) 7) A is getting married, not to Person B but B's best friend C. Before A's ceremony B confesses everything to them and tells them that they can't watch them marry someone else but they'll be at the reception to congratulate them and give their best man/maid of honor speech. (Bonus if A or C run out to confront B.) 8) A has a huge crush on B and B only finds out because they they go through A's spotify they have a private playlist of nothing but love songs dedicated to them. (Bonus if B decides to make one and send it to A and they'e all the love songs A reminds them of.) 9) A gets drunk and calls their friend and confesses their feelings for B. (Bonus if B's name in their phone and their friends name are similar or nicknamed similarly so they call B instead.) 10) A is practicing telling B they're in love with them but when they say "I'm in love with you" in a dark room they say it to person C instead. And when Person C says it back they don't have the heart to tell them they didn't mean it. (Bonus if they end up actually falling for C anyway.)

[dxlansfxck]

Saints & Sins [G.D] Part 05

Y/N didn’t really know what time it was when she woke up, neither did she know where she was. She just realized her naked body – surrounded by other naked ones. And screaming. Someone was screaming Grayson’s name. That’s when the memories hit her. Naked people, sweaty bodies. Pill after pill, line after line. Dicks in her mouth, pussies under her tongue. The women she thought were meant to be with her. Grayson’s name got louder in her ears, which lead her to stand up groggily. Looking around, she had to search her pile of clothes, but could find nothing other than some extra-large shirt and her panties. She slid them on when she heard Toni also calling out for her.

“Y/N, hurry the fuck up.” God, why was it her fault everyone was screaming Gray’s name? She didn’t do anything to him besides letting him sleep. Okay, maybe she kind of cheated on him, but he already said, there’s no real relationship between addicts. She wished for anyone to shut up, a big migraine starting to pound into her head. 

Toni wasn’t alone in Grayson’s room, there were at least 7 other guys standing around him, but nobody was making a sound. “Fuck, I think he’s dead. We need to clean up and hurry to get out of here before the police is coming. Grab your stuff, Pumpkin. Why are you still standing here? Hurry!” Toni grabbed her arm, but she stepped back, looking at him with fear, her tiny body shaking. Everyone around them started to run out, dressing themselves and pack their belongings, but Y/N couldn’t move. What did Grayson do to her? Why did she ever leave school? It was his fault that she was in this situation and he couldn’t help her out of it because he chose to be knocked out. She kept looking at him for several minutes, Toni was already downstairs again, when she decided to finally move. Grayson had pale skin, dark circles under his eyes, but she saw an unsteady breath in his chest. She didn’t know what to do, neither what to feel, but right now, she didn’t feel a single amount of affection towards her boyfriend. Everyone was gone by now, she was alone with a dying Grayson in front of her. She – of course – could call an ambulance, but they both would get arrested as soon as Grayson woke up. She could wait another few minutes, but Grayson could be dead by then.

What did he really mean to her? Would she ever take the risk to go to jail just to save his life? Who did she become, that she had to choose if to save a life or not?

The past minutes she’s been awake must be the longest she has been without any drugs since weeks. By now, she wouldn’t even need to take anything to change her mood, she simply didn’t feel anything. She was numb. It felt like everything was gone, like Grayson never came into her life. She kept starring at him, it must be about an hour now, but she made her decision.

As she walked downstairs, she took a glance into every room, frowning and about to vomit the hell out of her body. It was literally yesterday when she thought this was her dreamhouse filled with her best friends, now it was just a disgusting place with somebody dying upstairs that once meant the world to her. She quickly grabbed her phone, automatically scrolling for her mother’s name, but before she could press the green button, she heard someone whimper. Grayson was awake.

All her previous thoughts were gone as soon as Y/N heard his voice. She began to run like she’s never ran before, taking two steps at a time, but didn’t go into the room. Y/N stood in front of the door, not quite sure what to do now. She could’ve been gone by now without him knowing, could’ve started a new life. But she decided to stay, to be there for him. Ready to fall for Grayson again, like she always did. Sighing, she walks into the smelly room.

“Gray, you awake?” “Mh, yeah. I guess. Fuck, where’s everyone? My head kills me, I need some pain killer. Wait, did I fall asleep last night? During the party?” Y/N nods her head slowly, still not really looking at him. “Yes. Happens, if you drink or smoke too much shit, Grayson. Well, I thought you were mostly clean, but I learned different. Wow, you’re so fucking cool, Gray. Why do you always have to lie to me? Why do I always have to find out things by myself? Grayson, fuck, answer me!” She runs her finger through her knotted hair, trying to detangle some of it. Grayson on the other hand seems to be in his coma-like state again, leaving Y/N angrier than ever. “

“You know what? Fuck you, Grayson. Do whatever you want to do, but I’m going now. It was a mistake to be friends with you”, she lets out a bitter laugh, “to even think I was in love with you. You’re dragging me down deeper and deeper every single day. Fuck, I even took part in an orgy last night! I’m heading back to school, maybe even to my parents. I’ll see you after the holidays if you’re not dead by then.”

She thought her break out would open his eyes, let him realize how important this was to her, but he just looked at her, not answering. Shaking her head, she didn’t even say goodbye, but left the room, the house and lastly the city. Left Grayson. Left anything she had so far.

 15 days and 6 hours have passed since they last talked or saw each other. He didn’t call, she didn’t write him. It’s almost like he never existed. The bed next to hers was empty, her room just smells like her cologne and she had enough time to catch all missed school work. She even began running, standing up early and meditated every night. Her life went back to normal, boring and without any action in it. It was the 18th day, first day of school, when some guy she’s never seen before sits down next to her. On Grayson’s table. “Hey, Y/N! I’ve heard there was something going on between Dolan and yourself? Anyways, I thought now that he was gone, you and me”, he points to the space between them, “could do something similar. I mean, you don’t have any friends since he’s been gone, nobody wants to be alone, right?” Well, I do, was all she thought. She had died a thousand times without Grayson, but that’s over. They were over.

“First of all, I don’t even know your name. And second, the thing between us was different, you wouldn’t understand. So, if you don’t mind”, she looks back into her textbook, trying to keep up with whatever the teacher tries to explain.

“Alright, well, I’m Luke, just in case you were wondering. Besides that, I’m having the same courses you do, you’d know if you wouldn’t always be in thoughts”, he grins, showing off his perfectly white teeth. “And believe me, I know what it was like between you. High, swallowing pills and drunk off fake love. But you seem to be completely clean again, princess. So, why shouldn’t I grab the chance of going out with you? Believe me, Y/N. Try to get to know me.” His blue eyes almost beg her to agree, making her sigh in defeat. “Fine. What do you want to do and when?”

To be honest, all she wants is head back into her bed, crying over her restless mind and be left alone. But on the other hand, her mind is restless because of Grayson, maybe Luke could be a perfect opportunity to forget about him. “How about Saturday? We could go swimming or into a nightclub? What do you think?” She nods, writing down her number and says her goodbye before heading back into her room, letting her tired body fall backwards onto the mattress. “Ouch”, she stands up again, wondering what hit her back, but screams in fear as somebody wraps their arms around her waist. She turns around quickly, eyes widening at what she saw there. Grayson was back. And he looked fucking miserable.

His cheekbones were more prominent than ever, skin so pale like the wall behind him. His body is stuck in too large clothes because he got so skinny. His eyes were kind of milky, they didn’t seem to see anything. But the smile he gave her looked like always. “Grayson? I mean… How? Why? What are you doing here?” Y/N stutters, not quite sure if to be happy or not. He opened his mouth, trying to speak, but his breath smelled so rotten that she had to back up. “Hey, angel. I’m back”, he tried to kiss her, but she couldn’t. She wouldn’t fall for him again. “Sorry, fuck, I can’t”, Y/N runs out of her room, away from Grayson, away from her feelings.

She knew he was too weak to follow her, so she stopped running rather quickly, not knowing where to go. Minutes later, she was standing in front of Luke’s door, having to ask many people how to get here, what number he had, etc. She was about to raise her hand to knock on the door when Luke suddenly stood behind her. “Missed me already?” He smirked, watching her interested. “What can I say? I was bored and thought why not hang out right now?” For the first time, I took my time to check him out. His hair was shoulder long, a mop of blonde curls on top of his head. He was a giant, broad shoulders and some cheeky freckles were sitting on top of his nose. His smile was polite, loving and his eyes sparkled in ocean blue. He was the opposite of Grayson, but still very handsome.

“Sure, you wanna go out to the river? I can show you the prettiest waterfall ever. I’m going there every day to get away from the people here.” Luke already started walking, so Y/N just goes next to him, letting him lead them. She didn’t care where they were going, as long as Grayson wasn’t there.

She was surprised by the beauty of this place, not knowing that anything like that was hidden here. The rushing of the waterfall was so calming, the green of the grass and those colorful flowers made her smile. “Wow, since when do you know it and why haven’t I seen this place before? It’s so…”, she searched for the right words, but shrugged, not knowing what to say. “Overwhelming?”, he tried to help her out. She just nodded, a smile still plastered on her bare face. “I’m running every day, always the same route through the fields. I’ve I had known about this… Wow”, the turns around, breathing in the fresh air. “That’s how I found it. I didn’t want to run this basic route, so I ran over the fields, always turning directions, until I found this. I’m glad you like it”, he places one hand on her shoulders, squeezing it gently. “Can we walk through it? I want to know what’s behind the waterfall.” Luke nods, now smiling as well. “There’s a cave behind it, I always go in there to read. C’mon.” He holds his hand out, waiting for her to grab it, and pulls her through the water directly into the waterfall. Seconds later, they were soaked, but standing in a beautiful cave, surrounded by nothing but the smell of salt and water. Y/N’s eyes search for Luke’s, hugging him tightly while mumbling a quiet “Thank you”. His eyes wander down to her lips and she knows he was about to kiss her, but to her surprise she didn’t mind.

[underabr0kensky]

65 Questions You Aren't Used To

Because I’m bored and tired and the Slayer show was fucking awesome.

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you? Nah. I mean I’ve thought about that, it’s a fun concept, but I don’t think I’m in a coma and just making up my life or whatever.

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you? Not. I love the dark. It’s comfy.

3. The person you would never want to meet? That piece of shit that abused my friend because I’d beat him to death more than likely.

4. What is your favorite word? Fuck, I suppose. I say it more than anything else I think lol.

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be? A weeping willow. Because they weep. Like my soul.

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought? I don’t even know if I looked in the mirror at all today, at least not to see myself.

7. What shirt are you wearing? The Slayer shirt I just spent way too much fucking money on. Worth it though.

8. What do you label yourself as? I don’t. I’m just me. A metalhead, I guess.

9. Bright room or dark room? Dark. Brightness is a curse.

10. What were you doing at midnight last night? Uhh. I think I was drinking and watching Firefly.

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far? I guess 21? Or maybe 23, but that’s only because of what happened around that time.

12. Who told you they loved you last? I’m not sure. Megan, maybe?

13. Your worst enemy? My own depressed-ass brain tbh.

14. What is your current desktop picture? It’s a slideshow of a bunch of anime girls. Judge me.

15. Do you like someone? I love her, yes.

16. The last song you listened to? “Lean On” by Major Lazer.

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up? Shit, I’m too tired to be that pissed at anyone. I guess, again, the abusive piece of shit.

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face? The abusive piece of shit. Also myself a lot of the time.

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do? Emma Watson, but I wouldn’t really make her do anything. Just kinda be like “Hey it would be cool if you were my girlfriend for a day”.

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional) My hair and my eyes, it’s a toss-up. I’d say my hair though.

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do? I have no fucking clue, probably dead sexy like I am now lmao. First thing I’d do is masturbate because I’m pretty sure that’s what everyone would do. Everybody’s curious. After that I’d, I dunno, go hit on people I guess?

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it? Nah, my few talents are not secret.

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of? Nothing really, all my fears are normal.

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal. Fuck it I’d probably go with PB+J.

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it? Right at the moment I’d save it for Metallica tickets.

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go? Probably South Dakota, honestly. I want to hang out with Jess again if she’d be up for it.

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be? Jim Beam Distiller’s Cut. Gimme that discontinued shit.

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place? Mountain Dew is a fundamental human right.

29. What is your favorite expletive? FUCK.

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno? The box on my dresser. It’s got all the stuff Jess gave me in it. Cards, drawings, etc. It’s the most important thing I have.

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? Probably my mom almost dying back in 2010.

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world! Ima go to Switzerland then, fuck yeah.

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back? Jeff Hanneman. Slayer reunion motherfuckers.

34. What was your last dream about? I have no idea. Probably about work -_-

35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]? I am an excellent kisser, yes.

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital? Yup. Once for a wreck and once for attempted suicide.

37. Have you ever built a snowman? Yeah, whenever we’d actually get snow here, which is fucking never.

38. What is the color of your socks? I’m not wearing any.

39. What type of music do you like? Everything, but I’m a metalhead.

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets? Sunsets. It means night is coming.

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor? Hmm. Heath bar I suppose. Banana is fucking great too.

42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer) Titans and Patriots. I don’t give a lonely mountain-dwelling fuck about soccer.

43. Do you have any scars? Several. One on my right shin where a fucking fax machine fell on me. One between my right thumb and index finger where I caught the blade of a dagger, long and retarded story. And another really close to that one where I jumped down off my bed and accidentally fucking stabbed my hand with my guitar’s headstock. That one still hurts sometimes.

44. What do you want to be when you graduate? When I graduate what? This shitty existence? lol. I wanna be a rockstar dad.

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? My fucking mental issues would go away.

46. Are you reliable? Yeah, very.

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be? “Did you get to try again with her?”

48. Do you hold grudges? Yeah. Only if it’s someone I don’t really like though. I can’t get mad at people I like.

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create? A cat-bird hybrid. It would try to hunt itself.

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had? I have plenty of weird-as-shit conversations with one of the guys at work because he’s just fucking weird. It’s usually about anime-related shit.

51. Are you a good liar? Yes. Had to be growing up with a dad that’s like a living bullshit-detector.

52. How long could you go without talking? A good while. Sometimes on weekends I don’t really say shit.

53. What has been you worst haircut/style? When I had short hair. Ugh I look awful with short hair.

54. Have you ever baked your own cake? Nope.

55. Can you do any accents other than your own? I can kinda sorta do a British and Australian accent.

56. What do you like on your toast? Butter or jelly.

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of? I have no fucking idea, I suck at drawing. I think the last time I actually attempted to draw was when Jess and I did the Drawlloween Challenge back in 2015.

58. What would be you dream car? Lamborghini Diablo SE-30.

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain. Nope, I’m usually in a hurry so I just shower fast as shit.

60. Do you believe in aliens? I think it’s definitely possible but I don’t think they float around abducting people.

61. Do you often read your horoscope? Nah, I have friends who do it for me lol.

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet? Uhh. Q I guess? Because it’s barely ever used lol.

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons? Dragons, fuck kind of question is that? Dinosaurs are little bitch ass pussies compared to dragons.

64. What do you think about babies? Nope. Nope. Never. Nope.

65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of. I can roll my tongue into a tube. It helps with playing harmonica.

[brainfracture]

round 1.

This is me. I just started writing.

                 This is the most productive thing I’ve done in at least a year. I don’t know what I’m going to write about still but I’m thinking it’s the thought that counts. I have a lot of issues. Everybody says that, I know, but seriously. I have a LOT of issues. Everyone says they have ‘anxiety’ and ‘depression’ and loves to post about it online like it makes them cool to be in some special club because you’re fucked up.

I’m just confused because I have family members who have anxiety, and they don’t leave their house. It’s that bad. But somehow you’re all suffering from anxiety and you’re in a sorority, getting straight A’s, have two jobs and a boyfriend. I’m not trying to invalidate your feelings, I’m really not, it just seems more like stress to me than anxiety. And hey, I’m no psychologist, but stress is pretty normal.

Anyway, we’re talking about me here, not you. It’s my show. Anxiety. Here’s my story, I’m not sure how well I’ll be able to tell it but I guess I’ll start here. Last year one night I came home from work and my roommate had made me dinner. I picked up my fork upside down and we laughed. Then I picked up my glass of water and it slipped out of my hands, spilling onto the floor. Then I dropped the bowl of spaghetti. At that point we weren’t laughing anymore. I collapsed on the floor. It’s hard for me to remember, but my hand had stopped “working.” After that I blacked out, waking up some time later in the ER. I had four or five seizures that night, two in my apartment and two or three more in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. It was less than a mile away.

I spent a week in the hospital. They did MRIs of my brain and found the entire right side of it was full of lesions. No one could tell me why or how it had happened. They did every test imaginable, testing for cancer or an infection, but every test was either negative or inconclusive. Eventually I was given anti-seizure meds and sent home, still not knowing what was wrong with me. No one explained to me what they meant by ‘lesions,’ or what the lesions were, and I dramatically prepared myself for death.

Sometime later I joined my roommate and her boyfriend to a Mongolian Barbeque restaurant, one of those places where you make a bowl full of all the vegetables and noodles you want to eat and then the chefs fiercely cook it in front of you. Before I sat down to eat, I felt it. The panic attack I get before every seizure, which wouldn’t be complete without my left hand “not working.” I left the restaurant and proceeded to have a seizure on the sidewalk right outside the doorway. Cute. Good times. Imagine going back to that restaurant months later and being recognized for being the girl who had to leave to go have a seizure right outside the door, because yes folks, that happened.  

So after all the tests came back inconclusive and doctors still had no idea what was going on with me, it came down to testing the lesions in my brain to get a better idea. As in, I had to get actual surgery to biopsy my brain. No big deal. Wasn’t scared or freaking out at all. Just kidding. I had a panic attack getting my appendix taken out the year before and that was laparoscopic. It was sometime around then I learned how to not be afraid of anything. Having a full on, tonic-clonic seizure is kind of like thinking you’ll die, and then waking up okay. When you have a seizure condition, it taught me to not fear death in a way. I had shaken death’s hand and let him go more times than I could remember. I wasn’t afraid of the surgery.

Let’s skip ahead a little bit to after the ‘brain surgery.’ I was put on steroid medication to calm the swelling, and somehow over time, my lesions started shrinking. Before, I had a limp on my left side from the lesions affecting the whole right side of my brain. Over time, my left side started picking up. My balance got better­ and life was looking up. Albeit, my face had blown up and I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror. When you’re on steroids for an extended amount of time, you get this “moon-face” where your jawline disappears and cheeks balloon out, and I looked like the man on the moon. I know it’s shallow but it was such an unnecessary addition to my issues to feel ugly and fat.

I kept getting repeat MRIs, and my lesions kept shrinking. So after a full six months from my first seizures, I was referred to an MS specialist. She told me she thought what I had gone through was Acute Disseminated Encephalomyelitis, or ADEM. ADEM is a rare autoimmune disease where the brain and spinal cord are suddenly attacked by the immune system and cause widespread inflammation. Most of the time it only happens to children but given I had just turned 20, I wasn’t far off. In reality I was lucky, a lot of times, children go blind from ADEM, or end up in a coma. In most cases, ADEM only occurs once and people make a full recovery. Fingers crossed. Although I am still on seizure medication and I’m not sure whether I will be on it forever or be able to make a full recovery and not have epilepsy anymore sometime in the future. I’m not getting my hopes up for that right now.

 I guess why I started talking about anxiety was to get to this. I started going to psychiatrists when I was 14. I was given a prescription for a benzo at 14 until I was 18. I later learned this was bad practice, and benzos are supposed to be taken for a six month period of time, at the most. I had been self-medicating for so long, and by the time I had graduated high school I was taking up to seven times the prescribed amount I was given, along with marijuana and alcohol. The summer before I started having seizures, I had an epiphany. Fuck anxiety. I read a book about practicing zen thoughts and embracing the paradoxes in life to bring yourself peace in any situation. I started feeling like anxiety was such a hoax, an excuse to be immature and get nothing done. I wanted to be happy and have emotional intelligence. I started teaching myself how to change my thinking and get rid of unnecessary anxiety. It was like a test on everything I had learned that summer when my seizures started. Every seizure I had after that first episode started with extreme anxiety. That real panic attack shit. I couldn’t talk myself out of it. I could try when it was just fear, but if I was truly going to have a seizure I couldn’t stop it.

It’s a complete loss of control. The entire year, from having to stop going to school and staying in the hospital to getting surgery and then eventually having to move back in with my parents. I had just tasted freedom as a young adolescent and it was taken away without my consent. Not to mention going from being a fun, partying girl to being forced to stop drinking and smoking and living with the daily subconscious thought that I could never go back to my life the way it was before.

What I had taught myself about anxiety and how meaningless it is was only amplified by the loss of control seizures brought to my life. Why worry when the ultimate fear, death, can be defeated if it should arise and try to meet me again. Sure, I could have another seizure. I’ve had them before and while I’d love to never have another one, you never really know. Shit happens. But I can’t waste time being worried about having one. I definitely won’t waste my time being ‘anxious’ about anything unimportant. At this point, I have taught myself tips and tricks on giving up anxiety and maintaining a peaceful mind.

There are things every person needs to worry about and each person has different problems that arise. Some people have more urgent problems that cause panic. The goal should be to give up panic. When I realize I have an issue in my life that is causing me anxiety, I don’t simply give up on that idea and let the problem take over everything. I let peace in, and take care of the problem in steps. The trick is to come to the understanding that you cannot fix everything all at once. Some problems take time to conquer, or even to understand how to fix them. I’ve been trying to practice using just the right amount of effort, staying calm in the midst of realizing I may need to work on some issues. Buddhism names seven factors of enlightenment. I wouldn’t consider myself Buddhist, but these factors are something I try to focus on to bring myself peace. Mindfulness, being aware. Discernment, seeing more clearly. Energy. Joy, creating an uplifting state of mind. Relaxation. Concentration, staying engaged and present, and finally, tranquility.