#But maybe that was just me rationalising something that didn't make sense?

[whogirl42]

I just discovered??? that my laptop's been hiding??? an entire 931 GB storage disk from me???

[ootah-canadiensis]

STRIIIIIDERRRRR!

I wanted to see how I would interpret the very... very strange anatomy of the Strider. And let me tell you, I had a very tough time figuring out the damned thing.

First of all, You might notice a huge lack of the carapace that covers the Strider's legs and main body, that is because I've figured that the exoskeleton is largely artificial as the other synths seem to have it (with exception of the Hunter,) and that inclined me to believe that the Strider didn't naturally have it, and without it It would largely be that dark green musculature, which of course any living thing would have some form of skin and not exposed muscle. Another point towards the carapace being artificial is how it segments, appears to have bolts and of course, the ventilation on it's back. All of these factors would lead a pretty clear image that the synths originally had other forms of covering, with maybe some exception of the Dropship.

And of course, the mouth and "hand." The mouth is where the particle cannon of the Strider was, as it appears there are vestigial compound eyes next to it, and following the evolutionary advantage of the eyes being close to the mouth, as to know what you're eating... It only makes sense to put the mouth there. One thing that I also noticed in the HL:A model for the strider is that a small piece of musculature seems to "wrap around" where the particle cannon is, which I think might be some form of lip structure?

Next down the line on the head region are the bolts downwards of the giant "bolts" grafted onto the side of the neck, which I believe cover where the ears might've been? In my sketch you can see two frog-like tympanic tissues there. Since the Strider naturally is pretty fuckin' tall, it probably wouldn't need extensive protection for the ears (and also because it was easier for me to draw.)

And the next is... The hanging sack of meat that is the Warp Cannon. God, that was just so challenging to try and rationalise how and why a creature would even have something like it. And yet rationalise I did, as I made it where it is able to grasp things and function as a hand or arm, which inside of it is also it's reproductive organs which are more often than not sealed away like a cloaca or something.

Lastly, the feet of the Strider. I wanted to make sure that it's rounded end was still noticeable, while also resembling like an actual functioning foot. Which I ended up with a soft foot with 5 toes arranged in a star pattern. I had to add that in because it wasn't very clear on my sketch of the foot. I also ended up adding those hairs as sensitive whiskers.

And now for my own personal interpretations for its behaviour pre-combine (as if EVERYTHING wasn't my own personal interpretation beforehand)

In HL:A, you can hear "speech" from the Striders. That is something that caught my attention, and I think that might suggest that the Striders were also just as intelligent as us, just in their own way. As for their culture and society... I'm not sure, if someone wanted to use this as a base for something, be my guest :) At minimum their intelligence could be compared to something like an elephant.

And their feeding habits I imagine are a lot like sauropods of earth, using their rake-like teeth to strip off food such as branches or whatever their native flora might've been like. And speaking of their immense height to reach those glorious foods that most other animals can't get too...

They must have been on a planet with lower gravity, I mean just listen to their walking sounds in-game. Do your legs make creaking sounds just by walking? Their legs are clearly under stress from holding up their weight on Earth's gravity, and because of their new-found body's composition of being made of Combine stuff, their legs won't break! But if you were to place a pre-combine Strider on earth, their legs would- should shatter from their immense scale.

And their ears, I think that the Striders largely communicated through infrasound, largely making noises below our range of hearing which they would have naturally heard with their two sets of ears. With exception from the infrasonic communication being that of the deafening howls and "craggles" as I like to call them. And for their sound design in Half-Life: Alyx? I think those may be sounds that are generated from some kind of Combine tech. Not sure, though.

And I believe that is all I have to say, it was delightful trying to figure out just how the Striders probably would've functioned before the combine came along and mutilated them. And it was so incredibly hard not to have the Strider's warp cannon not be exactly what it looks like. If anything was hard to understand, I apologise since I wrote this all in one sitting and didn't have the time or patience to read it over. This will probably be my last Half-Life post like this unless I still have other ideas for how a lot of the aliens of this lovely franchise live beyond being an obstacle for Gordon to bash with a crowbar

[wh0refornikolailantsov]

Prompt: “I can’t believe you!”

For Matthias x Reader please!!

BABE I LOVE YOU BUT MY WRITING SKILLS ARE LIMITED AND I DON'T KNOW IF I DO MATTHIAS JUSTICE. BUT HERE I GO TRYING ANYWAY

How Do I Do This? - Matthias Helvar

Content Warnings: Jealousy By Oliva Rodrigo Plays LOUDLY In The Background. Not Proof/Beta Read, We Die Like... Well...

"Long coat, green shirt," Jesper says, not looking up from the drink he is holding in his hand.

"I really think I'm not the best suited to this task," you argue.

"It's some slight of hand, that's all, you've got this, besides if you get yourself into trouble, I've got your back, that's what I am here for," Jesper assures you. But that doesn't feel the most reassuring. When Kaz said he was sending you in with backup, you'd pictured Inej, or maybe Rotty. It's not that you didn't have faith in the sharpshooter, it's more that you were aware of just how easily he got distracted.

"Jesper, does it have to be tonight?" You ask, weighing up the inconvenience you'll cause to Kaz with the possible negative outcomes of this mission.

"Come on, I've got you covered, the chances of him noticing you at all are low, and the chances of this going wrong, so unlikely."

So naturally things went wrong.

"I can't believe you," Jesper laughs, as you both saddle up to the side of the slat. Laughing enough that you're short of breath. Kaz and Matthias are stood by the door, which surprises you, Matthias hasn't been free long, and his dislike of Kaz hasn't lessened at all. He usually stays as far away from the Demjin as possible. But, you assume, he was waiting for you, just like Kaz is.

"It was a panic response," you say quickly.

"It was a stroke of genius, and a long shot but it was brilliant," Jesper says.

"You took longer than expected," Kaz says, voice flat.

"Ran into unexpected difficulties," you explain.

"Radmakker, caught our little light hands here before the approach," Jesper says. Kaz throws you a look, uncertain as to how you're standing in front of him if you got pinched before the job was even really started.

"You wouldn't be smiling if you failed," Kaz points out, "you've got enough sense for that."

"Turns out Radmakker, has got a type," Jesper says grinning, teeth on display as he looks back to you.

"I flirted, he flirted, he put his hands on me, I picked his pocket, he left to buy me a drink, I just left," you explain. You feel Matthias's gaze on you, heated.

He doesn't mean to be angry, he cannot justify the fact that he is. His feelings for you have been complicated for a long time. And he has tried to bury them, to rationalise them away, but nothing has worked. He feels spelled by you, and he does not want to look too closely at that thought. It makes him feel confused in ways he hasn't known before. There are things he was convinced he could never do, would never do, that no amount of circumstance could put him in a corner to which he would bend against the rules and routine he was raised to believe in. Yet he would do them all for you in a heartbeat.

You were not the kind of person he should be feeling this way about, he knew that, he knows that, and yet when you stand in front of him, smile still on your lips from a job well done, a job that he is trying not to think too much about, a job that had you pressed up against a mark and all doe-eyed for the performance, he feels like something is going to break.

"Well, as long as you got what we needed," Kaz says simply, showing no sign that he is disappointed or impressed, there is no way in telling which way the wind will blow when it comes to Kaz Brekker. "Then I suppose that's a job done and the rest of the night is your own."

Kaz wastes no time with pleasantries or goodbyes and turns around, cane tapping on the stone as he walks. Jesper tries to sway you into getting a drink with him, but the look in Matthias's eye makes you smile politely and send the sharpshooter away.

“I can’t believe you!” Matthias says, voice tight, not waiting for Jesper to be entirely out of view.

"Look I got the job done," you explain.

"At what cost, you put yourself in a bad situation," he says. You roll your eyes.

"I've been around the barrel long enough to know what type of man I can handle and what type I can't," you retort.

"What if he had kept pursuing you?"

"He didn't."

"What if he did."

"I would've handled it."

"How?"

"However I saw fit Matthias," you say, voice snapping slightly with irritation.

"And if he had tried to kiss you?" He asks.

"No one is trying to kiss me Matthias."

"Plenty are thinking about it, I can see it, and I bet he was no different," Matthias folds his arms over his chest. You can see he isn't mad at you, not really. He was worried and more noticeably he is jealous.

"Matthias Benedik Helvar," you say, staring into those icy blue eyes of his, holding your ground without hesitation, "are you... jealous?"

"I was trained Drüskelle," he reminds you, as if the muscular stature, the tall stance and the assured pride he holds himself with would let you forget. "There is no place for jealousy in a warrior."

"You are jealous," you say and try not to laugh. "That's... interesting."

"It is not," he says, "because I am not jealous, I am concerned."

"Concerned?" you ask. He gives a slight nod, trying to keep himself as composed as he can, trying to look like that soldier he once was, unphased by it all. "Okay, I appreciate your concern but it's entirely unfounded. I can handle myself."

"You shouldn't have to," he responds. Had those words fallen from another man's lip you might have hit them for it, but this was Matthias, you knew Matthias, better than you cared to admit, better than he would likely like you to know him. This wasn't coming from a place of judgement of your capability, but instead of a place of care, a care that was hard to come by, especially growing up in the barrel.

“If anybody were to kiss me, I would want that person to be you," you say trying to make the sentence seem as casual as possible. "So no one else need bother."

Matthias's eyes snap down to meet yours and you look up at him, like a painting, unwilling to give anything away, completely unchanged. "You say things," he says.

"I do," you admit, giving him a nod, "and right now, I am going to continue to say things, like how I think you should kiss me."

"You are insufferable," Matthias says, his eyes flicker to your lips. There is a smugness that grows in your lips and you look away, feeling like you've won something.

"But you thought about it wolf boy," you say, "and you won't stop thinking about it now."

[caleblandrybones]

niño lindo (what if lalo and nacho had met before)

Lalo visits Albuquerque in 1992. He sees a 20 years old Nacho who barely looks up from the floor while Lalo scolds a 22 years old Tuco ("Ay, why would tío let a kid run this place?") Varga is a pretty young thing, looks strong enough too, but there's this glint in his eye when he finally raises his head to say something to Tuco. Lalo never forgets it.

In 1990, Lalo would call him mi ángel, mi cielito. Nacho would be blushing hard, and then going out of his way to look tough and impress Lalo. Lalo who would say "You still have a long way to go, cielito. But tell you what! Keep that up and who knows, maybe next time we meet I'll call you by your name".

Nacho in his early cartel years would already be smart, but terribly, terribly dumb if a handsome, powerful older man started paying attention to him. He hasn't been shot yet, he hasn't bled for the Salamancas. His dad is still none the wiser that he's slipping dirty money into the cash register at the shop.

Nacho is 20, going on 21, and on a power high. His usually sharp senses would absolutely fail him.

More ideas being thrown around below the cut

Tuco is too much of an idiot to put two and two together but he still warns Nacho ("Be careful, I love my cousin but he's a raging fag. Watch your ass") and Nacho blushes furiously.

Nacho was always the smart, silent type, partly because of his upbringing, but when he was younger, he didn't have any grudge. He just unabashedly drinks Lalo's words, let his enthusiasm show on his face. He would try to discipline himself, snap out of it because holy shit, this man is your boss, you're getting too comfortable and making a fool of yourself. Nacho just blushes a lot of the time.

Nacho believes he has good street cred, his higher reference being Tuco, only for Lalo to arrive and make Tuco look like an incapable child. To Nacho, ambitious, an outsider, it’s both irritating but also very impressive. To meet someone so good at being in charge. Lalo has that attractive effortlessness at being in charge of big things.

When Lalo has to go back to Mexico, when it's really sinking it that's Lalo's leaving, Nacho wants to blurt out "Take me with you". He doesn't, for a number of reasons. Lalo sees it and he could almost feel sorry for his cielito. Almost.

Unspoken words. Lalo was never going to offer Nacho to come with him, of course. He knows of other dons who keep boytoys around, but Lalo is young too, and wildly ambitious. He's not about to burden himself with a child.

He was someone's boytoy once. The man taught him everything. Just like Hector's abuse, Lalo rationalises it. He never pities himself. And now, he knows better than to humor a kid's infatuation. Lalo would make violent scenes to his mentor sometimes. Lalo doesn't think Nacho would stoop to that but with young love, who knows, it makes you do terrible things.

There's a number of reasons why Nacho doesn't ask, and a number of reasons why Lalo doesn't offer. He would not see it as breaking the cycle of abuse because, what abuse? He's thinking of himself.

Keeping Nacho as a pet would no doubt be a lot of fun, but ultimately not worth the hassle.

So it's even more significant when, years down the line, Lalo comes out of the lawyer's apartment, Nacho asks where to drive him to, and Lalo simply says "Mexico".

And Lalo thinks this will finally reel his Nachito in like "See? This can be us. I'm doing this for you. Now is our time". But the canon is still very much happening, and Nacho is doomed. Too little, too late.

(It adds another layer to the betrayal, too. It was trust that had taken Lalo 12 years to build) (like in canon, Lalo genuinely believes Nacho was ungrateful) (that he went against his family for money).

In 1992, Lalo could have snapped his fingers and Nacho would have dropped to his knees in reverence.

12 years later, when they meet again, Nacho is not as keen. They didn't really think about each other during that time (once Nacho got over his heartbreak) (a year after Lalo left Albuquerque, Nacho saw from the other side of the night club a man who looked a bit like him and his heart does a little jump, and of course it was just a guy who looked like Lalo, and fuck, he had thought he was over it, but not completely, not yet, it seems).

When they meet again, Nacho thinks there's no way Lalo would remember some green, no name chicano. He's wary of Lalo because he's annoyed for being played at 20, but he's even more annoyed at his past self for getting played. So he doesn't bring it up. What would be the point? Lalo doesn't either anyway.

But Lalo remembers, of course he does. As soon as he saw these eyes again he remembered (meanwhile, Nacho never forgot his voice, and his words) (Nacho remembers how Lalo gave him his love for old cars, how he cooked him food so flavorful he chased that taste for years in the hopes of finding it again) (after losing his mom's warm, homemade cooking, he lost Lalo's).

In 1992, Nacho still had a full head of dark curls. When Lalo sees him again he's more muscular, his head is buzzed. His eyes though. They're still gorgeous. Lalo sees they've lost their innocence, but the shimmer of intelligence that he saw that time... That's still very much there. A deadlier weapon, a knife sharpened on the Salamanca edge.

Lalo knows how much Nacho liked his food back then, and so he knows, with how well contained Nacho’s expressions are, with his composure, that the man standing before him has changed.

Lalo enjoys this older, mature Nacho. Over the years he heard he was doing well for himself and serving the Salamancas as he should (just like Lalo predicted). Plus now his cielito has some bite! Lalo thinks "That's what was missing", and smiles to himself.

But God, does his amorcito still looks like an angel. Even if by now its an angel of death.

Lalo likes to observe Nacho closely to catch glimpses of his younger self, constantly looking to see if he's still in there. When Nacho opens himself, offers to kill Domingo, Lalo gets to catch a glimpse of his cielito. He is still in there. It's almost endearing.

Meanwhile, for Nacho, it's a revelation to get to see Lalo again, this mountain of a person in his mind up close and real again.

He reverts back, if just for a moment, to his younger self when he sees Lalo again ― back to that 20 year old kid who couldn’t even look that particular Salamanca in the eye, knees shaky and cheeks flushed. Despite being older now, weathered by the job, tougher and sharper, he has to lie to himself and insist he’s not afraid.

A scared boy, in way over his head, ordered around like a dog, his leash just handed from one person to another. Nacho swallows and pretends he doesn’t know that Lalo is going to be gripping that leash tighter than anyone ever has.

So Lalo still makes his blood run cold and his heart falter (a combination that scares the shit out of him), but the gap between them seems to be closing, he feels like he's catching up to Lalo. He knows he has to manipulate him.

Older Nacho knows better than to fall (again) for Lalo's pet names. But when Lalo leaves, young Nacho can't stop thinking "What was that about then?" He's bitter. Still smart enough not to make a scene but, oh man, did he fall fast. His mind a swirl of cielito, cariño, amorcito, niño lindo. "What was that then, what was that about?" (he probably punches a wall or two about it).

Older Nacho pretends he's not interested, he's not that kid anymore, while seducing of Lalo on purpose and feigning ignorance. Once he's home, he jerks off to Lalo like his life depends on it. Like he used to.

When they finally touch each other by the bonfire, after years and years of yearning, Nacho just about loses his mind. So does Lalo, and he strains to hide it just as badly.

Thank you @themadknightuniverse @karlavhh @gerandor @chocopinda @nostalgic-shamefest @scftpink for writing this with me ❤️

[nalyra-dreaming]

I hope you don't mind me sending you this and that you don't think I'm deranged (I am deranged about these characters) but yesterday I wrote this https://www.tumblr.com/chicalepidopterareblogs/746157267839270912/what-if-jkirks-scene-in-the-trailer-is-part-of?source=share

about the scene with JK in the trailer being actually one of Daniel's grandpa nap dreams. To summarize I'm not particulary fond of the idea of doing the same Armand reveal but with Marius. I don't think you can pull off that very same trick twice. But what if the first time we see Marius it is in one of Daniels dreams and he gets his name and everything cause they've already met but he doesn't remember. And when Daniel wakes up he tries to rationalise it by telling himself that he must have gotten the name from the artist from the painting on the wall?

It would explain Marius not looking vampiric in this dream just as Daniel didn't remember Armand's vampire eyes in the other one. The dream would mirror the San Francisco First Meeting (sitting in a bar, talking to a stranger) but with an "old man twist". As much I've tried I can't imagine a good reason for Daniel to be allowed to leave the penthouse. But the Sushi Restaurant as a projection of his imagination still connencted to Dubai...I can see that happening!

No, of course not, thank you for linking me the post!!!

So, I get why you would prefer a setup like this^^, and it is a very interesting idea. As said in that ask it is a completely possible approach in the VC.

I'm just... my problem with this is less the idea itself, than the necessary lore explanations they'd have to do to link a memory with the current setting (so to include a certain... "tinkering"), and the danger Daniel is in (or not).

Like, we have the cloud gift, fire gift, and the more telekinetic powers of the mind gift in season 1. The "only" mental communication was between Louis and Claudia (and Antoinette). There were hints at more, but only hints.

The dream Daniel had in s1 was a memory. And it was a suppressed one. The scene we saw in the trailer could also be a suppressed memory, true. But I don't think it's a projected one, if that makes sense.

Lore-wise we will get the destructive powers of the fire gift next season, as well as a huge update on spell and mind gift (through Armand), at the very least. Theoretically that could include projecting dreams... but I just feel like that would be combined best with upcoming arcs, and then of course QotD.

And re the tinkering, or what Daniel's subconscious would then do with it all...

The thing is, Daniel is good.

IF Armand shows him posters with "Armand Marius" on them he will immediately know something is up. I would bet anything on it.^^ Remember that little file he has? What else is in there? He has clocked in on all the little things. The little discrepancies. Has called Louis out on it, too. Has challenged the narrative. Has slapped Louis. Has taunted both Louis and Armand. I don't think that's gonna stop :) If he remembers someone introducing themselves as Marius... the deal will be up. BUT I mean... maybe that will be the twist! Maybe he will remember and know. That I could easily see, indeed.

But I don't quite see him "not connecting the dots", if that makes sense :)

A Pulitzer price winning journalist, who has just started tearing it all apart? :) Naaaaaahhhh.

(Of course I'm very much looking forward to Daniel tearing them all a new one, so that is coming from a place of wishful thinking *laughs* :))

I hope I make sense^^

[katatonicimpression]

Exodus

Send me a character or a ship and I will share 5 headcanons about them!

I don't think he ever knew his parents. That he was abandoned as a baby/young kid and raised by, like, nuns or something in Paris. Him growing up adjacent to the church could explain how he can read, despite not being a priest or a nobleman. And yeah obviously he's not noble (which seems painfully obvious to me but some have disagreed). This guy was never a lord, never owned land or serfs, was never knowingly related to anyone important. He grew up isolated and alone because of his appearance (canon, and also obvious - he literally looks like a cartoon demon ffs), and while many people rationalised it by assuming he was foreign (hc), anyone more worldly would know something was up. So he kept his distance.

Dark, but I think he does deranged fasting stuff. Like, at lent he does the intense early medieval black fast shit that was never universal and was out of fashion by his own time. Just constantly putting his body through hell.

I've said before, but I don't think he feels anything comparable to modern internalised homophobia. When it comes to his relationship with eobar, he knows that he loves him and accepts it about himself with no difficulty. He could maybe have some hangups about the sexual side of that? But again, not in a "It's unnatural, it's sick and perverted" way. More that valuing sex would clash with his asceticism. But even then personally I think he doesn't really care. I think he just is too repressed emotionally and caught up in a series of cultish obsessions (crusades to himself/apocalypse to Magneto to himself to krakoa) to prioritise it.

He has zero knowledge of any science. Does not know any maths beyond basic counting. He is suspicious of the concept of medicine because he is fully working on medieval superstition about how causation even works. In his time there were people who did functional medicine, midwives in particular. He didn't listen to or trust those people either. He's 100% crank, even for his era. He'd be selling healing crystals and unregulated supplements if he'd been born in the modern day... he still might.

He is genuinely really into making himself pretty. Like, even if it makes no sense with his professed values. He's always dressing up in his grandiose ornamentation. The gold jewelry, the metal wing piece he wears. The thigh high boots for some reason. He loves it. He's obsessed. Very vain man... but I kinda love it too

[swimmingenthusiasty]

Or I just don't make mistakes ever. I do everything right and perfect.

I hate this place.

I should have never come here.

I should have never stayed here as a kid.

God how I wish I could have lived my own life.

Separate

Not near

Not related

Not reminded

I know I can do better

Sports and going out

No reminders of where I'm from

What is it now?

Fucking therapy lol

Bots land

Anything but a job

Middle aged women know me

Nothing is where it should be and set in place

I had a life

Apartment in a land of apartments

Someone in a land of someones

Nightmare, then:

These people live in relative huts on the side of the road, and they split them for all they're worth.

If I get one these, if I get someone here, how can I describe it? It's like why? Haha why did you get one? Why do you need one? You have nothing to do with them. It's so stupid. The fuck are you doing with them?

Nothing more lonely than people who think they know you.

I don't like being the pinball. I want to be the only one to choose what happens next. At least to me personally. That's how little I want to do with most people.

Because they're not my own. Energy on them is wasted. My own is definitely a race thing. English but mixed. Spanish but mixed. Russian but mixed.

I just want to leave.

It might be a down, from a manic moment.

It might be the equivalent of a sugar crash from finally having some fun. Living a life very devoid of fun otherwise. Like I might be trying to make things familiar after feeling better for a bit.

It might be projected onto me. This energy, after I chose to stay in yesterday. I did notice there was a lot more attention and energy directed my way.. expectation, gossip, speculation about what's going on with daddy dada gaga. Nothing is going on, I was just thinking about my schedule and what I'm doing next. People want something to be going on. They made community off that and felt belonging at some point, over my reactions. That's addictive. Well, guess what, I'm not reactive. Maybe about as much as a rock now. And this fool would still mess up and drag us down. And mistakes will still get a lot of people off. And create a dangerous domino effect if it's allowed.

I'm very familiar with these pathways now. I wish I didn't have to be.

Living large and happy instead.

I could make it my job. It sucks how people who have a hard time with something become all about it, eventually.

Living large and happy instead.

Can you imagine.

That was what I was doing.

Getting away. Reset.

I didn't want my hardship to define me. I wanted to say look I can live happy anyways. I don't have to get to know who did it. I don't have to get to know the way they think. I could just get away and live anyway.

Your hardship defines you anyway. You either act it out or you know about it, and that's what you know. That's what you are. Just anti. If you do the work.

So. That's shut you up. That's the discomfort that you like. That's your zero state thingy. Your hardship defines you. Seems foolish. But it just makes plenty of sense. Because it's so certain. So unchangeable. You can find reasons in it. Like broken things can't function. They function like broken things. See, sense. You can hypothesize and experiment. Like go ahead, try and believe in yourself, I dare you. According to my calculations, you couldn't. Go ahead, try, and love yourself like you're somebody you could meet and fall in love with. You might suddenly experience symptoms of adhd out of nowhere. I have studies if you're interested. Because your hardships do what? They? Go ahead and try and release your clutch on what you think you know about this place. Studies show you'll try to use that moment to rationalise staying here instead of grasping what the exercise was intended to give you. We got names for stuffs like that. We made stickers, do you want some. I got trauma in blue, get it like a bruise? We got classical conditioning. We got fear response. We got attention disorders. If you're up for a holiday we got Stockholm syndrome. You can have a complex or you can just grab a learning disability to go. Welcome to hell. But go ahead. Try. I'll be here. I got your mammy and puppy's assholes like rings on my fingers. But why should that bother you? Intention shmenshion. You do you. You believe. Just one more time? Please?

Did you see that elephant that was tied as a baby and still thought it couldn't leave when it was big. That's you. You can just walk off, and that chain won't do much more than a bracelet... right?

[free--therapy]

Hii it's anon!

First of all, thank you for all the kind words. You're absolutely right about me having low self-esteem. But it's like...there are times where the self-esteem spikes up and I feel arrogant almost (like if I do something worth being proud of) and then there are other times where it's at very low lol

Like you said, I've been trying to not hate myself for feeling jealous but instead focus on what I can do. I have to say that I've had times where I've let that jealousy or envy get the better of me and let it show in my actions. And I hate myself for that tbh. I hate that I could feel and even more so, act that way to someone I genuinely cherish.

I also know that since childhood I've been somewhat of a attention seeker however that turned into feeling low about myself as I grew up. Also, exactly like you said, my parents have had the same expectations from me too! In school, I had to be the best then in college, again very high expectations from me and now, they expect me to find a very good job as well. It's like the expectations never end. And while in school, it was easy for me to fulfill or even exceed their expectations but as I went to college and things started getting more challenging, it got harder for me to match what they expect from me.

In school, it was almost like, I used to feel this sense of "superiority" for being one of the top performers of the class always and I didn't even have to try hard for it back then. That changed after I started college and it was like I was thrown into reality or something. Seeing so many amazing students just made me feel like I had been completely wrong about myself my whole life and that maybe I wasn't anything special either. It's like, in school, my sense of identity came from my academic accomplishments. So to have that stripped away from me made me feel small.

I've been raised up constantly being compared to my cousins and peers and that has made me feel smaller with time. I love my family and my parents, I really do. But growing up like that, hearing those things from them has made me collect all this bottled up frustration honestly especially since they haven't fulfilled many of my needs either, so if they can be disappointed in me, I can be disappointed in them too. Granted, it's my fault that I never was vocal about my needs and wants growing up due to many reasons so maybe that's why they didn't give me what I needed. But I was young so I expected them to understand but no one did. Instead, I was the one who always had to "understand" and be the "good child" for them.

However, in trying to become that good child, all I did was ending up bottling everything up and becoming a bad child after all. Doing things just to make others notice me, being selfish, wanting others to think of me in a good way or to go to lengths so that others have a positive image of me in their minds. Making them love me and making that seem effortless. So many stupid things I've done honestly. But I still hope for the best for myself. I don't know if that makes me selfish or just human.

Anyway, these days, I've been trying to be kind to myself except it's very hard lol. I think over time, especially in the last three years, I've built a sense of guilt/shame which makes me constantly doubt my self identity whenever I try to be kind towards myself. I'm trying though.

That said, are any and all of my thoughts supposed to be this exhausting? Is this common?

I know I've been overthinking a lot in October and recently, I've just started getting kinda tired of all the constant stream of unwanted thoughts. I do try to rationalise or be mindful of them without judgement but many times, I end up labelling them as "bad" or "problematic" thoughts or end up sort of giving into the anxiety and sort of believing in what these thoughts seem to tell me.

And honestly, my head hurts from all the constant rumination and I've had enough of these thoughts. So I just sleep it off. I've noticed that my sleep schedule has been very bad recently (sleeping late, waking up late) and I've been sleeping more than usual. And most importantly, I've been feeling very on energy and tired a lot of times despite not doing anything the whole day.

I know a huge part of this has to do with the anxiety and overthinking and on top of that, I don't really have anything going on in my life right now since I'm home most of the time, so there's nothing much to keep mind engaged. I've just been feeling a bit like I don't have a purpose since I haven't found a job yet when most of my peers seem to already have got good jobs and seem ahead in life. It's just not the best period right now. But either way, I just don't want this to turn into a full blown depression spiral that's all.

Since I feel so tired, it's very easy to skip over small things like doing my skincare, drinking enough water and stuff. But I also know that not doing any of that stuff will just lead to more negativity for me. More than ever, I need to focus on myself and take care of myself now and so if I skip on it everyday, it's just going to make me feel worse.

So as much as I can, I'm trying to be compassionate, understanding and loving towards myself. I'm trying to take care and not believe these thoughts. As you said, it's cruel that having a good moment feels so suspicious. It's as if being happy for a day or two makes me question if things really are okay, if I'm really okay? Which just leads to thoughts coming up and I end up in a bit of a spiral. So having peaceful moments is just another trigger for an overthinking spiral too which is sad. I wouldn't wish this on anyone ever. It's pretty tiring.

Sometimes I also feel like other people who are struggling with anxiety or overthinking can overcome it only because maybe their thoughts aren't as hard or bad as mine. It's like my mind tries to convince me that my case is worse than others and that's why I can't heal even if others did. But I know that is so not true. Lol my mind keeps chattering away

But who knew thoughts can seem so real or affect my life so much? I don't want to second guess every little action of mine anymore, be it from the past or present. I want to stay and make decisions in the present and focus on right now instead of trying to obsessively ruminate over the past trying to figure out "what my xyz action meant?" When really so many of them could've meant absolutely nothing too.

I hope I can get over this with some time and patience and love. I'm trying my best to focus on the positive! Thank you for all the support 💗

Hey Anon,

Don't beat yourself for feeling jealous and letting it get the best of you. You are human and it's a natural emotion that you will experience. It's a good reminder to see certain areas that need to still be worked on and not something that should make you feel bad towards yourself.

Living up to someone else's expectations will never make you feel good about yourself because other people's expectations are usually very unrealistic and possible unattainable. At the end of the day, the only person whose opinions and expectations that really matter are your own and if they seem like they're lower than your parents, then so what?? This is about your happiness and if you feel satisfied with what you've achieved and where you've come from, then that's all that matters. Living for others will always have them moving the bar and you'll never be satisfied. You'll eventually come to realize that you're actually living for someone else's dreams and not your own. You should only be striving to seek your own approval and validation and not for your parents. Of course we all want to make our parents be proud of us, but at the end of the day, if they truly care about you and your happiness, then you have to figure out what makes you happy. Live YOUR dreams, not theirs!

That said, are any and all of my thoughts supposed to be this exhausting? Is this common?

They shouldn't be, no, but you're still working towards figuring things out, so this process will take up a lot of your energy. You will come to figure out how to expend less energy over time as you work towards quieting that voice in your mind. Again, be kind to yourself and patient if things don't happen as quickly as you'd like them to. Sometimes it's just a matter of figuring out or trying something different you've never done before.

Sometimes I also feel like other people who are struggling with anxiety or overthinking can overcome it only because maybe their thoughts aren't as hard or bad as mine. It's like my mind tries to convince me that my case is worse than others and that's why I can't heal even if others did. But I know that is so not true.

Honestly, a lot of people are not facing their fears and are actually trying to escape their mind with distractions, so it seems like everything is okay with them, but they're actually in avoidance. You're doing way better than these people who are usually in denial that they have anything wrong with them, so as much as it feels like you're struggling, you're brave enough to go into the battlefield of your mind to figure out how to win this war in your mind.

You absolutely will overcome this anon. You're doing way better than you realize and a lot better than your peers, even if it may feel like that's not the case. Keep going, okay!? ❤

[pebblysand]

Hey!!! I’m here to contribute my theory on who the killer is but I’ll remain on anon so another person can have the chance to win the Drabble topic. I know whatever you write will be phenomenal and I’ll defs be reading.

I wrote a comment a while ago on chapter 9 saying I thought it was Pomfrey or McGonagall. Mainly I think that Ginny asking for birth control is a major clue that something was up. Given that Hinny was the most talked about couple the previous year and Ginny being so quick to say it was Neville makes it obvious imo.

However, you wrote a post maybe a week ago saying you don’t think that Mcgonagall knew what was going on and it completely threw me. You replied to the comment on the fanfic saying that one of our guesses was right so for about an hour I assumed it was Draco (mainly because I don’t think Hannah would kill anyone).

Now I think you wrote that post just to confuse us and I’m right back on the Mcgonagall train. There are sooo many clues. So here are my main arguments;

- Ginny said Mcgonagall was watching her like a hawk (knew she was getting more detentions than the rest of the school).

- McGonagall publicly threatened to kill Snape after Ginny was tortured in front of the school (need I say more?).

- Can’t remember much of this but didn’t McGonagall direct a student to take Amycus to the dungeons? (Knew where he was during the battle)

- Hermione mentioned that Ginny was failing all her classes (why hasn’t she been pulled out of school? Why hasn’t she notified her parents?)

- Also worth mentioning Ginny’s bad publicity in the media. (Wouldn’t that effect the schools reputation?)

Anyway that’s my main points. There’s probably more but I can’t think right now. if you hadn’t of said one of us was right, my other guesses would’ve been Snape, or Alectro for the drama.

I just want this post as evidence if I’m right and I can gloat to myself. Can’t wait for the next chapter!!! I’m assuming we find out?

oh anon! i'm so sorry you were wrong! this was a great theory!

spoilers for chapter 13 of castles under the cut

now, re:mcgonagall, this will be partially addressed in the next chapters (either 14 or 15 - i'm probably going to split 14 in half cause it's also a million words *sigh*) but i did tell the truth when i said i don't think she knows. or, more like, she knew without knowing, if that makes sense:

she knew that ginny was being targeted and in detention more than anyone else

she knew about pansy

she's an intelligent woman who knows that sexual abuse is a thing

yet, she didn't know. i think - as i said before - it's one of those situations where you know something, deep down, but the voice in your brain says: "no, that can't be." so, you try to find every excuse under the sun to rationalise it, because it's too horrible to comprehend. and, i think she rationalised by telling herself the situation with pansy was different. she's 1) not a minor and 2) in the death eater circles. i think mcgonagall thought: this is awful and disgusting and abusive, but pansy was willing, if that makes sense. and, she heard rumours, and saw the way amycus was looking at girls, but she just didn't want to believe it/see it. i think if she had known about ginny, she would have drawn the line there and told molly, sent ginny home. but i think she had some doubts and just... dismissed them. because it was too horrid to believe. sometimes, you just don't see what's right in front of your eyes.

(as a side note: this is particularly real in my head cause like - the sexual abuse of ginny in some form or other was always So Obvious to me. Because, i've said it a thousand times before but i'll say it louder: sex is a weapon of war. and i always believed something had happened. like, yes, the whole specific plot in castles is *a* version of it, of course, and i wanted to write it like that specifically for Reasons but generally - it's always been So Obvious to me that she would have been targeted somehow. she was harry's girlfriend! of course, they would have gone for that in some way, shape or form. we can have debates about whether or not she was raped or just humiliated, and who did it or whatever but god, i remember being 13 and reading dh for the first time and thinking about it. i remember being 17 and thinking about it. it's always been in the back of my mind, even though it didn't always take the specific form it took in castles.

and yet, i get so many comments, all the time to this day, telling me i'm crazy for even thinking it. it's crazy. it's horrible. it would never have happened. and, i get it. it's horrible. sure. and so... mcgonagall thinks so too, lol. mcgonagall is a bit of a vessel for everyone in my comment section who aren't... as bitter about the state of the world as i am, lol)

the reason i went with this version of events in castles is that in canon, you already have to reckon with the fact that first year students were being tortured in hogwarts and mcgonagall did nothing. or, at least, she let it happen. and, i've heard people say it was sloppy writing on jkr's part (which it could have been) but as i said in my previous post, the way i reconcile that is by thinking of war ethics and how your priorities change in wartime. i think you see that in castles at the beginning of chap 8 when mcgonagall locks all the gryffindors in the tower for a weekend after ginny gets tortured (which is obviously her first instinct), then slowly realises this can't be the solution forever. she can't just lock everyone in and keep them safe. then, she allows them to restart the DA for defence purposes. then, it slowly slips out of her control because she can't single-handedly control everyone. these are not normal conditions where she can just be stern and impose detentions and students will obey. here, her students won't obey. even during the battle, she can't get all the underage kids out - it's chaos. and, part of her is proud of they for not obeying. so, i think there's a lot of internal conflict there that sort of culminates in her deciding that she will do anything she can to keep them alive. she can't keep them safe but she can keep them alive, so i think that's where her priorities shift.

and, don't get me wrong, i think there's a lot of reckoning she has to do with the choices she made - after the war ends. i think that's where the "letting ginny party" issue comes from. at the beginning of the year, kingsley persuades her to allow 7th years to get out at weekends. i think she agrees because he's the minister, but also because she feels guilty that these children have had to fight in a war, and they're not really "children" anymore, and that was her fault. or at least she perceives it as such. and, she wants them to have a life, to get better, to be kids again, so she's less strict with them than she used to be. i think she sees the damage the war has done to these children, which she very much perceives as her children, and she couldn't/didn't protect them last year. and, she's sort of like: okay, have fun, please. at the end of chapter 13, there's a line in ginny's letter where she says she doesn't want to be in the castle cause it feels like she's drowning. i think mcgonagall sees that - knows that. and so, what do you do? do you force your kids to stay inside the castle where they can see ghosts and traumatic memories everywhere they turn, or do you let them go out and party, even if it affects their grades? it's an impossible dilemma, especially when you're reckoning with your own guilt and responsibility in their trauma.

i think she goes back and forth on it all year, especially in the second term where things get a bit out of hand. and, i think it's not just ginny - they all struggle in different ways. i mean - neville and luna are at grimmauld half the time as well. hell, hermione is always asking to be in london for reasons x, y, z. ron's birthday, wedding dress shopping... and, i think mcgonagall has this problem where it's like: where do you draw the line? regarding ginny, i think she tries to discipline, but ginny just doesn't care. doesn't show up. and, so what do you do? exclude her? that's even worse, cause then she's just out in the wild. call her parents? they know and clearly have no grip either. you can't discipline kids who've fought in a war the same way you discipline kids who haven't. i mean, they were tortured as a form of discipline - what do you do with them afterwards? especially when these kids aren't minors anymore, when you sort of let it happen, and when the war happened in your own "home". and, so yeah, i think in 98/99 hogwarts is still a bit out of control. mcgonagall is just doing her best with what she has, while living with her own guilt at the same time.

so, yeah, in short: mcgonagall didn't kill amycus. she didn't know about ginny but she probably should have known, and didn't want to know. mcgonagall's not a saint, and i think there's a lot of hints in canon that she could have done better, that year, and i wanted to keep that in castles. she just... is human. and tries her best. and, yeah, there's a lot of guilt and imperfections in that, but it is what it is.

[donotpercieveme123]

Hello, I saw your post about wanting to have friends who are fans of the Naruto founders era, mood.

Rank the characters of the founders era from your least favorite to your most favorite and why

Hey thx for the ask, you and mira were actually the first two people I followed on here. I love ur blog!

I'll just do the uchiha and senju brothers, because the others don't get any screen time and I haven't seen much of them in fanon either.

4. Hashirama

I love him, he has the potential to be such an interesting character, thematically. But I haven't really seen it done well. He's either characterised as a completely goofy idiot, as a prop or foil for other characters (often madara), or if they try to make him darker it's just the bad brother trope for madatobi fics. And it drives me up the wall. My personal take on him is that he's a kind person through and through, he puts his dream before everything else but I don't think that makes him as callous as he's made out to be sometimes. I think his reasons for what he does are very valid. And he would be very interesting to explore the weight of power and responsibility through, and how despite best intentions dreams can go sideways. Man didn't even expect the village to survive lmao, says a lot. He's more of a typical shonen protagonist, which I'm usually not a fan of, but I loved every second of screen time he got.

3. Madara

If I were talking solely about canon he's definitely my favourite. Completely iconic! I'm still salty about how they dealt with him towards the end of the war arc. But yah he is such an interesting character, I could write essays about him and his philosophies and his actions and how much more potential he could have had if Kishimoto wasn't sus. I loved every second he was on screen, especially his interactions with Hashirama! He's completely obsessively unhinged and I love that for him. This man tried to become God and force world peace lmao, what else needs to be said. And I can appreciate his nihilistic take on dependent origination, enlightened King lmao. Absolutely insane. Also I love torturing him.

2. Tobirama

I just think he's neat. I instantly get obsessed with any character who is remotely autistic coded, what can I say. He's low key an asshole and completely insane, even if he tries to rationalise everything he does. But he's also loyal and self sacrificial when it comes to the people and things he cares about. In the sense that everything he's cultivated himself into has been in service of something bigger than himself. Second heirs am I right. This is also very true, more so, for Izuna too. I think he's also very misunderstood, and very polarising lmao. It's kind of funny to watch when it's not frustrating. Yes he's morally grey, yes he's capable of doing fucked up shit, no I don't think he hated the uchiha, and no he'snot some unredeemable monster. Let the man have nuance. I haven't seen many fics of him I like, but that's probably mostly because 90% are madatobi (if I could completely block and never see this ship again I would in a heart beat lmao). But yh I haven't seen a lot of him so he's been living rent free in my head because of it, more so than hashi or madara, so now I'm completely attached to him lol. Also aroace King, love that.

1. Izuna

Yh I'm obsessed with everything about him. He's my little guy. I saw a character who was insanely important to the plot but got no screen time, and who is only ever mentioned in relation to Madara (he didn't even get a personality lol), and said this is free real estate. I like maybe two or three fics with him in (and a few that are just pwp cuz they don't get the chance to mess up his characterisation lol; I blame WASS for being so picky). So he lives completely in my brain, he's mine. I characterise him as completely insane lmao, he's just a cocktail of mental disorders, and I love torturing him.

He's also very capable though, he was Madara's right hand man, and based off how Madara handles the 4th war... he definitely needed all the help he could get. In this way I think Izuna and Tobirama are parallels of each other.

He's also such a fun character. He's pretty, and he knows it, he's confident and he knows what he wants. He's also a bit of an asshole, a pretentious art hoe, definitely judgemental and a complete drama queen at times lol. Also morally grey, in a similar way to Tobirama actually (god I'm obsessed with the dynamic they could have). He's also a bit of a control freak, and definitely insanely nihilistic and paranoid (I actually think Madara only got that paranoid after Izuna died, despite the peace, or maybe because of it). He HAUNTS the narrative and I love that. Madara actually develops Izuna's worst traits after his death.

He's also my favourite to write. Especially his internal monologues. I also think he's obsessive and insanely possessive. Deranged. I love it! But he also puts his duty and everyone he cares about before his own needs and wants. So yh jts just so interesting to explore. I get obsessed over characters with shit loads of wasted potential lol. Also he has big aro energy, completely repulsed by romance and I definitely support that lmao.

Jesus this was long. Definitely got a bit ranty towards the end.

[all-about-seggs]

False Love-

Rating: ❌ 18+, Explicit ❌

Pairing- Timeskip! Yandere Oikawa Tooru x fem reader

Word count- 1.8 K

Warnings- Aphrodisiacs, fingering, dub-con, vaginal sex, Oikawa is delusional and sad.

A/n: This is my fic for the Valentine's day Collab that @ultimate-astridwriting hosted. I hope I was able to live up to their expectations (ᗒᗩᗕ).

Roaming around the busy streets of Palermo, ginormous heart shaped props occupying the narrow lane paints Oikawa's vision in scarlet. Love is in the air, as they say, was quite literally true for the beautiful city of Argentina.

In the midst of giggling couples and warm twinkling lights, the annoyed click of his tongue gets drowned out; Unnoticed ;making him recognise his own solitude.

Normally he'd have hoards of girls vying for his attention, trying to take him to their place but maybe it was because of his age, or the mountain of experience with the momentary flings that made him want to search for something deeper.

He used to be fine with superficiality of his relationships, the repeated cycle of getting himself off of any faceless women who came onto him then forgetting her existence the next day was fulfilling in itself. Afterall, his career has always taken priority.

Though the last remaining brain cells of his body tries to rationalise the situation he is getting himself in, Oikawa had already decided what kind of connection he wanted and and was just going to let himself have that. Selfishness is not something he ever disliked anyway.

He felt no need to hide his disdain, Oikawa wasn't one to be subtle about his pettiness either, that's why the contrasting emotions of his own, clashing with the jubilant ones of his surrounding annoyed him to no end.

The chocolates wrapped up neatly in his hand felt heavy, causing his fingers to tremble slightly. It wasn't the weight of the box but what he intended to do with the said item that made his insides twist with excitement.

Yes. It was excitement. Happiness and pure bliss that he felt when he rang the doorbell of your modest appartment in the costal side of the city. Despite having the sea right next to your place, the cold February air still made you shiver as you opened the door to see Oikawa standing at your doorsteps, all smiles with a dash of extra in his typical 'hand on the hip' pose.

Surprised wouldn't even being to describe your current state of shock. You spend the next few seconds just starting at his ever confident form before his voice brings you back to your senses.

" Yooohooo~ babe, I'm sure I don't look 'that' good. I just finished with practice so my hair's probably a mess right now", he continued on with his cheery tone,

" Come on, It's not like you have anyone else to spend Valentine's with, so why not just let me in already and look", dangling the expensive looking bag in front of your eyes, his expression took on a slightly sinister turn in their features, the kind that went away as soon as they appeared not leaving any trace of its original condescending vibes.

" I made these chocolates for you", emphasizing on the made part he stares right into your eyes, as if waiting for his well earned praise. Heaving a sigh of defeat you release the door know you didn't knew you had in a death grip, opening the door completely in a gesture to usher him inside.

Oikawa quickly makes himself at home, plopping down on your couch with his long legs stretched.

This was the first time you had seen him after the rejection of the high in demand position of his girlfriend. The face he made when you turned him down was of utter disbelief so much so that you almost reconsidered your decision. But you weren't that wishy washy in your opinions and his was a type you made sure to ignore.

You were aware of his salty personality and the habit of holding grudges, so you thought after that fateful day he'd ignore you like the plague, but for all his arrogance Oikawa's face was the epitome of gleeful.

" Soooo", starting off with an awkward note you casually try to sit on the furthest arm chair from the couch Oikawa was currently occupying and tried to ask what exactly was he expecting out of his current visit but he quickly cut you off by his own booming voice.

" Before all that, why don't you try these?", Pointing to the chocolates he starts unwrapping them, as he pulls the decorative ribbon, two rows of brown, heart shaped delicacies appeared.

"Don't be shy, I made these for you afterall", he remarked, pushing the box on your side of the table.

You didn't think much of it, afterall, 'making' chocolates just means buying store bought ones and just melting them into different shapes right?

Popping one small cube in your mouth you let it dissolve, your taste buds filling up with the sweetness of the treat. Just as it finished you heard Oikawa speak again.

"You probably know why I'm here, but I'll tell you again", readjusting his posture, he sits straight, both the look in his eyes and tone taking a more serious turn.

" I thought about why turned me down that day and I finally realised......You were just scared weren't you?", rather than upset he sounded relieved as he continued with self assuredness ,

" Of commitment? Or because of my job? Either way I can already assure you that I was already prepared to put you above everything else if the situation calls for it".

You were just sitting, listening to his outrageous conclusions when you felt your heartbeat increase. The sweaty palms of your hand to the moistness in your core, your entire body started reacting in ways you'd never experience before.

"You thought that I'd keep our relationship on the back burner and only focus on my career? You were just lonely weren't you?", With every passing second his delusional words seemed to work with more and more intensity that didn't helped your hyperventilating state at all.

"And you rejected me because you didn't wanted to have an absent boyfriend right? So in reality-", by the time he finished he was already in front of you, the fire in the depths of your core made your mind hazy and eyes unfocused. You wanted to ask what was happening or what he put in those chocolates but forming any coherent words was a feat on its own in your current condition.

He smoothly takes one of your burning hand in his cool ones, the contact making you instantly lean onto him for more. You're sitting in a daze when he pulls you up from the arm chair and places you on his lap back on the longer couch.

In your already aroused state, the soft strokes of Oikawa's fingers on your scalp made you succumb further into the need for release as you sit on his lap with your head resting against his shoulder. The room was now quite safe for his soothing voice that came from right about your head.

"You love me right?", the words that come out of his mouth in the heated moment betrayed all his attempts at feigned composure. He may have spiked the chocolates with some sort of aphrodisiacs but the way your heart hurted after hearing this made it seem more like a love potion.

With his barely audible voice they sounded almost like a plea, another desperate measure to get what he wanted.

Before you could even notice, your vision tilts and you find yourself pinned to the couch, with Oikawa hovering right above you. His hands on your sweatpants, lowering them all the way to your ankles. And the weirdest thing?

You didn't wanted him to stop.

Not when he spread you out completely in front of him. Not when he was shamelessly staring at your naked pussy with a maniacal glint in his eyes and definitely not when he shoved two of his thick digits up your leaking pussy that covered his entire palm in your slick at the slightest of contact.

Your soft walls clenching around his fingers was all he needed before he stared unzipping his own pants. He gazed at your panting body while he pulled his cock out, flipping you on your stomach with your ass up and face shoved down.

You barely cared about anything but getting fucked good at this point when you heard some rumbling behind you, as soon as Oikawa was done putting on a condom he lined himself up against your entrance.

Not wasting any more time he slips past your folds until he is buried to the hilt. The feeling of being stretched out and filled to the brim coaxed out a few lewd moans from your mouth.

Your slick was enough to make Oikawa pick up a hard and fast pace, your entire body shook with every thrust of his. He kept his hands on your waist, pushing himself as deep as he can before pulling out until only the tip remains. Your own orgasm started building up with his every action.

His member throbbed against your insides and the moans that slipped past his gritted teeth indicated he already came but his cock showed no signs of softening as he kept going with his brutal pace.

You bury your head sideways, tongue lolling out and covering the fabric beneath it in your drool as Oikawa lodges his cock further into your pussy from behind. He moves in and out of you with ease, the slick from both your pussy and his previous release was more than enough to keep his memeber going.

Gripping your ass cheek in one hand, he trails his other one in between your thighs. Quickly his digits grazes your clit, the pressure they added along with the heavy thrusts pulled you closer to the edge. The anticipation of your impending release was all your lust laden head could think about the feeling of ecstasy that you desperately needed.

The intensity of your orgasm made your eyes roll back, and if it wasn't him holding you firmly in place, you probably would've fell down the couch. With your entire body shaking your panted heavily from your mouth to calm yourself.

Oikawa doesn't make any attempt to pull out or move and even after your breathing becomes even his member is still lodged deep inside you. He gently starts gyrating his hips against your pussy again and it becomes obvious that you weren't the only one under the effects of aphrodisiacs.

As cum trickles down your inner thighs, all you could decipher was the overwhelming bolts of pleasure Oikawa's cock provided and the sounds of your skin smacking against eachother's.

With his hands on both of your sides, he lowers himself down until your back was flush against his toned chest, his raspy voice rumbled through your ear as he spoke in a dark possessive tone,

"Don't forget..... we are in love"

[irtealli-art]

~PICK A RUNE~

Hey everyone!! 👋🏻

This time, I decided to do 'Pick-a-Rune' Reading!

Pick a Rune you feel pulled towards the most, it holds your messages from Higher Powers.

Hope you guys are able to resonate with the messages, please keep in consideration that this is a general reading. For a specific reading, you may check out my services on the page - it’s a pinned post. 

I am currently giving all readings for just $5. If you fancy a one for yourself, send me an ask or DM☺️

If you like the reading, please like & reblog the post 🙏🏻

------‐‐----------------------------------------------

PILE 1 - ALGIZ

Somebody is finding their way to you. You have caught their eyes and perhaps you may not even know about them yet or you aren't aware about their feelings towards you. But their feelings are strong, grounded and they are sure of how much they feel about you.

The person might be a winter born earth sign, I am thinking Capricorn or definitely Earth Sign Stellium. You might be Spring/Summer born? This could also mean that they have had eyes on you for a while, perhaps last winter and all this while they have been planning on how to woo you, have your attention..finding their way to you and express how much you mean to them. You bring warmth to their heart, you make them see colors in a much grayscale situation...you give them hope. You symbolise life to them, a hope that everything's possible. You bring spring to their heart. Somebody who talks to the moon, somebody who believe in prayers...somebody who wants you to look their way.

This connection is blessed by the higher powers so if you find yourself surrounded by coincidences or magically things are taken care of, it's probably because the higher power want this union to take place as well. This connection will push you towarda spiritiual growth, finding your own powers and it will lift you to success. This union will come to fruitation this fall, there's snowfall happening. Does it snow where you are? Or planning to go somewhere where it snows?

They are manifesting you in life, they believe in themselves and believe you are the person for them. I don't pick up on any red flags or warnings for you....their intentions are good, their feelings are true.

PILE 2 : FEHU

Why do you keep repeating the punishments to yourself? Words, going back to the past, letting your hurt take control of your desires? There is no one there in the room. There is no one there...look closely...the door's open and you're free.

There is so much you'd like to achieve, so much that you desire and not just for yourself..you want to share your success, your vision but you don’t believe you deserve it or is the same voice telling you don't?

Don't believe in that voice, they are just somebody we have made and you can un-make them too...

It begins with forgiving yourself. You are so harsh on yourself, love...don't you know there's magic running in your veins.

Have you experienced strange incidents which you couldn't explain? Strange flashbacks or perhaps it's the dreams...

You are spiritually powerful but it has been supressed for a long time. Just glimpses of it here and there...and even then you tend to rationalise and down play yourself.

Don't do it.

Because the magic keeps calling out to you and that magic will guide you to your desires. Begin with forgiving yourself, forgiving your hurts, your past....and if it's not easy because sometimes it's not....begin with meditation. Go to a place where you feel safe, where you feel joy...go physically there or spiritually and you'll start to feel the power thumping inside you.

Taking some time out for yourself to meditate will also begin to heal you and as you continue this, ask for what you want...know its yours because it is. You deserve it. Trust yourself and your powers...I believe you already are powerful spiritual being who may be having hard time right now or you'll realise your ancestry and the power you hold to do what you want.

PILE 3 : EHWAZ

It didn't turn out to be like you wanted and now you want to be left alone, you want nothing to do with anyone...

There is no motivation, there is no joy or energy to get back to starting again.

'How will it ever be the same? I wanted it so much, I was so sure it was going to turn out amazing....how could I not see the warning signs..I was so close...so close before it all came tumbling down'

You think this is it, you think that there is nothing awaiting for you beyond this point but you are wrong. Oh you are so wrong...This is not the end. That's just how sometimes life lessons are and honestly,  even if that project didn't work out or the relationship didn't solidify into marriage ...be glag because you wouldn't have wanted it..you wouldn't have wanted that person. Something was not right since the beginning and it's better late than never to wake up and let it hit you.

Find peace in nature, I think many of you feel find nature calling out to you for your healings..visits to the park, visits to gardens full of flowers..you may pick up gardening as a way of pulling yourself back together and touching those flower petals isn't it the best feeling ever? You can almost hear them talking to you.

Take it slow my dears, confide in the ones you trust, spend your time with your friends and let them look after you...do not isolate yourself and shut off to the ones who care for you. It's okay to not be okay..it's okay to ask for help.

You may find plenty of time connecting with your inner child, going home to your folks or perhaps finally building your own little sanctuary where there is no one to tell you what you have to do or judge you, you can do as you like..things you always wanted to do since you were a child.

You will emerge from this, look back and thank yourself to where you are and that you chose yourself, you chose never giving up and came out stronger and happier.

PILE 4 : HAGALAZ

Just because something has been with you for a long time, doesn't mean it's best for you. Some people break us through a period of time and they have a way of manipulating...making you feel like you are the one who is to blame. You don't deserve to feel that guilt.

People who have chosen this deck, pause and ask yourself if you are okay. If you are really okay...and if not...where in life you seem to feel otherwise? Is something bothering you for a long time but you don’t feel confident enough to raise your voice? You feel it's not important enough or perhaps you are at fault. Are you really at fault...?

Something much better awaits you...the spirits are telling you to not downplay yourself. If you have been hurt by somebody, if you have just gotten out of a long term relationship or if you are contemplating on going to back to an ex...it's time not to look back but ahead of you.

A new love awaits you, somebody who will keep your trust...you may have met them or seen them in your dreams...

Your guides may have been trying to reach out to you and send messages through dreams...keep note of strong symbols, signs and numbers.

Use the power of intention for the love you desire. Nothing is off the list, nothing is too much...so everything you want is yours. Affirm, Trust and Recieve.

PILE 5 : OTHILA

Oh Hi there!

You are quiet something hmmm and I mean this with a face of somebody who is impressed and in awe of your strength.

You know you, you know you are not just anybody...you probably don’t feel belong to the group, you don't settle for anything but the best and I love that!

All who picked this rune, seems like spirit guides are here to assure you that you are on the right track. Your goals are fixed and the you'll see results quiet fast! Don't give up because you are so close!!

You might feel a storm here and there but believe me the storm is not stronger than you!

Are you a fire sign? Maybe a Leo or a Sagittarius? There is so much fire in you that you will pass through any storm that comes your way. Your determination is your power.

If you are somebody who knows witchcraft or beginning their journey, using fire element would help. You will feel more in alignment with your higher self.

I sense somebody younger than you, attracted to your energy...they are in awe of your personality, your boldness and how you are out there fully focused on your goals...meanwhile they are focused on you. They come bearing gifts, wants to impress you...perhaps with a bouquet of flowers...picking the best roses for you.

[bitterepiphany]

my thoughts on 139

part 2 of 2

***major 139 and manga spoilers***

and a disclaimer: these are entirely MY opinions, if you disagree, that's fine! these are just my thoughts and analysis on the chapter and it's perfectly okay if you have different opinions about it. also, this is going to be quite long, just a warning

i'm not sure when it is that eren 'came to them', but it seems that eren spoke to them all about his choices and the sacrifice he was going to make, and then erased their memories of it, for some reason. maybe he did that because he didn't want there to be any hesitation or pre-conceived bias in any of them so they wouldn't hesitate when they were fighting him? i do like the way that his conversation with armin tied into chapter 131 though.

i'm assuming mikasa's 'choice' was her choosing not to forget eren, and that therefore freed ymir from her chains of love and let ymir get rid of the power of the titans, therefore saving everyone.

this just broke my heart. everything levi has worked for, everything he has sacrificed, has finally paid off, and he can say that he has fulfilled his duty. he can finally live the rest of his life knowing that the goal his comrades lost their lives for was worth it.

i think this reiteration of eren's little 'slogan' (as i like to call it) proves that this story has not been resolved. this is not a straightforward happy ending. despite eren's claims that the rest of the world can't attack paradis for a while, the issue still remains of how they are going to operate with the rest of the world. the pages following this prove that this story has been given a fairly open-ended ending (to an extent), but it seems to me that eren's goal has been achieved - his friends are working towards a better future for themselves and the island.

also i LOVE hitch omg,,,

both annie and armin sum up the situation pretty well here i reckon. what if things don't work out? what if humanity don't trust the group that destroyed the walls, betrayed paradis, and killed eren?

but, as armin says, conflict is an inevitable truth, but their story has to be told if there is any hope for understanding

hthi think people forget mikasa's choice in 138. she CHOSE not to forget eren, the boy who meant so much to her, the boy that was her lifeline after he saved her, the boy she fell in love with. so it makes sense that she would visit him, right? it makes sense that she would still want to keep him in her heart, after everything that they went through, right?it was made pretty clear in 138 that mikasa is still going to remember eren. she's allowed to 'move on' and still visit him, isn't she?

now idk if the bird is eren reincarnated, but it was a sweet little homage to how this all started between them having 'bird eren' wrap the scarf around mikasa.

in my opinion, eren jeager is a tragic character. he loved fiercely, and did everything he could to protect the ones he loved. forced into a role he never asked for, he willingly became a 'slave to freedom', and along the way, lost any freedom he had for himself.

***

it's been a crazy ride these past few years for me, following first the anime and then the manga more recently. as much as i wished this ending could have satisfied me as i had hoped, it didn't. but i've done my best to look at it objectively and tried to understand and rationalise the choices isayama has made. and i want to thank isayama for creating what has really been a masterpiece of a manga up until now, and for bringing me so much joy for the past couple of years

now, if none of this made any sense, or you disagree, forgive me, i'm just sounding out my thoughts and trying to work things out in my head, and writing it all down helps me with that. but i hope you gained something out of my ramblings!

as always

thank you, isayama.

OOH CAN WE ALSO JUST TALK ABOUT HOW FINEEEE MY MAN LOOKS??? fuck i adore him and i'm happy with the way things have ended up for my babey armin (aside from that 'thanks for the genocide' but i'm choosing to ignore that)

ALSO ARUANI CANON PRAISE THE LORD I CAN NOW DIE IN PEACE

(LIKE CAN YOU SEE THE WAY SHE LOOKS AT HIM THEYRE IN LOVE YOUR HONOUR)

[eryiss]

Chapter Five -  The Cut

Summary: Freed and Laxus live incredibly different lives. Freed is a corporate lawyer in the capital city, and Laxus works as a handyman in a countryside hotel. Despite their differences, their lives collide when Freed inherits a house in Laxus’ village, and hires him to make the derelict building liveable. But the closer they get, the more they seem to offer each other. [Fraxus Multi-Chapter]

This was written as my admission for Fraxus Day 2020, hosted by @fuckyeahfraxus​. Hope you enjoy it. Also, this chapter has mentions of bullying and descriptions of blood,

You can read this under the cut, on Fanfiction, or on Archive of Our Own. You can find the chapter masterpost here.

Chapter Five – The Cut

Melancholy wasn't the word. It wasn't.

Freed wasn't the type of person to get melancholy, he had never been governed by his emotions at all. He didn't look back on things fondly, nor did he feel a sense of sadness when parts of his life were over. Yes, of course things did make him emotional, but he was by no means the type of person to feel sad because something was over. Life moved on quickly, and so must he. It was the rational way to live his life.

It was a mantra he found himself repeating over and over again, as he walked through the house.

The nearly finished house.

The place was by no means a model home, but it worked as it needed to. Windows had been fixed, plumbing and electricals repaired, and structure reinforced. Walls were still stripped with remnants of old-fashioned wallpaper sticking to it, and the floorboards were bare, but it was a house again. It needed love, attention, and upgrading for anyone to actually want it. But it was liveable. Exactly what Freed had wanted. So, following the logic he lived his life by, he should want to sell the place instantly and get back to Era and work on his next case. It was the next logical step, and exactly what he should be doing.

Of course, he wasn't. Because despite it being in contrast with how he'd always lived, Freed felt an odd sense of reluctance to leave. He found himself more than once hovering over the call button on Gildarts' phone number, only to return his phone to his pocket with a muttered complaint of annoyance at himself.

It was pathetic really.

He tried to rationalise it, give his feeling a pragmatic explanation. He said it was because the house was an achievement for him. Something he had done with his hands. A practical achievement that stood out to him because most of his notable work was with the mind. And why would he want to leave something like that? It was a monument to what he could do when he put his mind to it, and he was proud.

But that was a lie, he knew that. The real reason he didn't want to sell the house was because it was the only thing tying him to Magnolia. And he wasn't ready to leave it yet.

Yes, of course he didn't need to own a house to visit the town. He had gained a solid friendship with Laxus, and had gained acquaintances with Laxus' own friends, and so he could justify visiting them from time to time. But the issue lay in that he didn't really want to come back from time to time. He'd gotten used to visiting for the weekends, and he didn't want to stop.

And he couldn't do that now. Not without everyone in the gossiping village knowing why he returned. Because they would, they'd see through it like glass, and Freed wasn't able to deal with that.

He wasn't good at being embarrassed. Never had been.

There were few situations in his life where he had actually been embarrassed, something that happened by design. There had been a few unfortunate instances in his teenage years that find themselves replaying in his head on random nights. So he had made a conscious effort to avoid any situation where embarrassment might occur. It was working well, all in all, and yet this village had this effect on him that made him question the choices that had kept him sane so far.

Freed shook his head. He wasn't getting melancholy, and he certainly wasn't getting self-reflective.

It did nobody any good.

He took a small sponge and slowly wiped down the table in Albion House's kitchen. It had been there when Freed had inherited it, and after Laxus had sanded it down and polished it, it was as workable as the rest of the house. Tonight was the first time the table was going to be used for its actual purpose. He and Laxus were going to have a meal together.

That didn't help the situation.

Because, clearly there was something more. Magnolia was a nice town, and the people in it were good to Freed, but nobody got that sentimental over a collection of buildings. People did, unfortunately, get sentimental about other people.

And annoyingly, Laxus was a good person. He was snarky, and had a bite to him, and he could challenge Freed without blinking. But he was also kind, and helpful, and when he was teaching Freed how to wire a socket or plumb in a toilet, he was patient and made sure to keep the mood light; particularly when Freed was on the edge of smashing the porcelain bastard with the wrench. He was a good man, and seemed to know how to handle Freed in whatever situation he was in.

Also, he was beautiful. Freed had withheld that admission for a while, but since they would likely part ways soon he wanted to be honest. Broad shoulders, a thin waist, striking blonde hair and bright eyes. Evergreen had been right; he was an Adonis.

It didn't help he had a rustic charm that attracted Freed more than it should.

Perhaps it was for the best that they wouldn't see much of each other. Freed wasn't the romantic type, he had more important things to do. And his attraction was born out of proximity. Laxus was an attractive man, but he was just a man. In one years' time, Freed would have forgotten about him, and his life would be normal again.

And hopefully those occasional dreams would pass too. Be them the disgustingly sweet, or the more… intense ones.

"Hey," A voice snapped Freed out of his thoughts. "I think it's clean."

Freed frowned, then looked down to the table he was cleaning. One particular part of the table in particular was shining more than others. Freed's hackles rose slightly at the teasing tone in Laxus' words, but he scolded himself in his head. Laxus hadn't known what he was thinking about, all he'd seen was Freed washing a table for far too long.

"Out of interest," Freed said, cautiously. "How long have you been here?"

"Fifteen minutes," Laxus grinned, raising the two pots of Chinese food. "Food might be cold."

"Fifteen minutes!" Freed exclaimed, almost horrified.

"It was like half a minute, moron," Laxus smirked, walking to the table, and placing their take-out on the table. "What were you thinkin' about that hard?"

"A case," Freed lied. He didn't have an active case at the moment, but he was probably going to be helping with one soon. When he went back to the city. Permanently. "It's nothing too troubling, really. It's actually quite an easy case really, but our client is high profile, and they might use our services again should they need it. So we need to be litigious and cordial."

"Can't imagine you enjoy being cordial," Laxus smirked. "Probably out of practice."

"And for that, I don't think I'll pay for my half of this," Freed said, reaching over and taking the pot of food from Laxus' hand.

"Kinda proving my point there, ain't ya?"

Freed smiled a little as he brought the chopsticks to his lips. They were having a meal together as a sort of goodbye evening – not helping with Freed's refusal to be melancholy about the situation. Because not only did it force him to confront the fact he's leaving, he has to do so with the man who's making it a lot harder to do so. Worse still, Laxus had looked so damn charming with a tediously honest smile when he'd suggested they eat together. It had sent a little jolt through Freed.

Bastard. Maybe he was doing it on purpose.

"I saw Cana while I was waiting for the food," Laxus spoke again, garnering Freed's attention again. "She mentioned that her dad's looking forward to seeing what we've done with the place, apparently he's been excited about it."

"Is he interested in buying it?" Freed asked, frowning.

"He's your estate agent, Freed," Laxus said in a deadpan voice, though he was clearly fighting a smile. "You should know that. It worries me that you don't know that."

"Gildarts is Cana's father?" Freed frowned further. "They have different surnames?"

"Fuck, sometimes I forget you ain't from here," Laxus laughed loudly, leaning back in his chair and grinning. "There's a hell of a lot you don't know, isn't there? Well, guess the best place to start is with Gildarts, ain't it. Or I guess a more accurate name is Gildarts, Man-Whore Extraordinaire."

And thus, Laxus began to tell the rumours and stories about what Gildarts was like when he was younger – he really did seem to earn the title Laxus had given him – before trailing off to the other stories about Magnolia. He spoke about his hometown with a level of enthusiasm that Freed enjoyed watching, and found himself getting enveloped in the worlds that Laxus was describing. Though he might not be quite as eloquent as Freed was, he certainly made up for it with boisterous laughter and an odd amount of glee at exposing his friends embarrassing stories.

It was almost enough to distract Freed from what Laxus had said. 'I forget you ain't from here.' It was a little sentence, probably a throwaway thought to Laxus, but it made Freed feel oddly comforted. As if he had been accepted into this little community.

A ridiculous idea, really.

He blinked to stop that train of thought, and focused on the story about Elfman. Apparently he had been dragged into some comic book convention by his sisters and had been forced to dress as a monster from a book series. He apparently hated every moment of it, and Laxus had spent the years following showing the pictures of him in the costume at every opportunity he could. To prove his point, Laxus had pulled out his phone and showed Freed.

It was a better costume that Freed expected. But it revealed far too much for the shy, younger version of Elfman that Laxus had described.

Freed did find himself distracted by Laxus, thankfully. But it wasn't quite enough, because as he listened, he absently lowered his left hand under the table and started to swirl his finger against the palm of his hand. Perhaps he wouldn't have noticed the return of his nervous tick, had it not been for the raised scar that he grazed lightly.

It was new, and when he touched it and thought back to its origin, any lie about not being melancholic was shattered.

~~~

"Shit. Fuck. Fuck."

Freed hissed, pain splitting from his left hand up into his arm. He stepped back slightly, eyes flickering to the large gash that he'd just given himself, along with the thick blood that was fighting to get from it. It was a nasty looking cut, and Freed found himself unable to look away from it.

Laxus, who had been crouching down and pushing new floorboards into place, glanced towards Freed with a slight grin. The expression fell when he saw blood drip onto the floor, and he stood up quickly and walked to Freed's side. He took Freed's injured hand in his own, and let out a small hiss of sympathy as he saw the cut. Ridiculously, Freed couldn't help but note that Laxus was holding his hand for the first time.

"That's pretty nasty," Laxus commented.

"Is it," Freed muttered. "I thought it was a papercut."

"Good, if you can be a dick then it ain't that bad," Laxus smiled. "Come on, we need to wash it."

Not removing his hand from Freed's wrist, he dragged the lawyer from the cottage's sitting room and into the kitchen. Freed didn't fight it, instead focusing on catching the droplets of blood rather than letting them land on the carpet and stain it. It was a good enough distraction from both the stinging pain that was running through him, and the presence of Laxus being so close.

It wasn't a distraction from the embarrassment of the situation. Because after being successful at almost every task Laxus had given him, he cut himself sawing off the edge of a floorboard. Out of all the tools he's used, he was bested by a sawblade.

"This ain't gonna hurt a bit," Laxus promised as he opened the faucet and dragged Freed's hand under the stream of water.

Laxus Dreyar was a lying bag of shit.

"Mother fucking crap-whore!" Freed practically yelled. There was a moment of silence, Freed almost panting with pain, and Laxus biting his lip. A second later, a loud, unabashed, raucous laughter filled the room. Laxus actually doubled over he was laughing so much, resting his hands on his thighs while Freed glared at him from the sink. "I'm glad you're enjoying this so much."

"I'm sorry," Laxus grinned, something almost akin to a giggle slipping out. "I really am."

"No you're not."

"I'm not," Laxus agreed. "It was fucking funny, man. I ain't ever seen ya acting like that. Just caught me off guard," He glanced up, met Freed's glare, and burst into laughter again. "I'll get a bandage. I'm sorry."

"Thank you," Freed muttered. "And try not to fall, impale yourself on a spike and die. That would be awful."

"Don't worry. Only an idiot could get hurt in this place," Laxus laughed again, and if Freed had something in reach, he would have thrown it at the bastard's head.

When Laxus returned to the kitchen, he was holding the first aid kit that he had insisted they keep in the house; no doubt when the humour of Freed's injury and subsequent cussing died down, Laxus would gloat about how right he was with demanding the first aid kit. He carefully guided Freed's hand out from under the stream of water, and patted it dry softly with a towel. Freed winced a little at the pressure on his cut, but didn't say anything.

Slowly, with careful and practiced movements, Laxus wrapped the bandage around his hand. He managed to avoid trapping any of his fingers. Though the white fabric did get stained slightly, it seemed to trap the blood from pouring out too badly. The pain was subsiding slightly now, too.

It allowed him to appreciate how gentle Laxus was being. He wasn't used to thinking of Laxus being gentle.

"How do you know how to do this?" Freed asked, sitting at the kitchen table.

"I used to have to do it all the time," Laxus sighed a little as he spoke, removing his hands from the bandage and inspecting his handywork. He looked up to Freed, who was frowning at him slightly. "I had a lot going on when I was a teenager, got into a lot of fights. Well, that's how I saw it. Turns out I was kind of a bully."

Freed frowned deeper. "You were?"

"Yeah. Didn't think I was, at the time, but I went to therapy for a while and she called me out on it," Laxus shrugged. "But yeah, a couple times a month I'd fight some kid. Had a superiority complex or some shit, wanted everyone to worship me and do what I want. Cringey teenager shit and a lot of aggression, bad mix. Eventually, when the guys started to fight back, I needed to learn some basic first aid."

When Laxus looked up, Freed had an expression of curiosity on his face. It clearly wasn't what Laxus had expected.

"Was it the therapy that made you stop, then?" Freed asked, and Laxus seemed blind sighted for a moment.

"Er, no. Not exactly," Laxus shook his head. "There were two kids that pissed me off more than most, don't know why. So when things were getting bad, I kinda… targeted them more than anyone else. Natsu and Gajeel, you might have met them at some point. Fireman and mechanic. But they got pissed at me for taking things too far, jumped me, beat the shit out of me, then went to the principal and told him all the shit I've done. Got suspended, thought about myself, and started meetin' with Porlyusica; she's my therapist. She basically listed all the shit I've done and made me be better."

Freed took a moment to think through what he'd just heard. It was the best thing to do, he'd found out. Sometimes people let out their biggest, darkest secrets to him – the curse of being a lawyer – and your first thoughts on the matter were often unhelpful. So he took some time, and eventually asked the question that seemed most prudent.

"Your principal suspended you without evidence?" Freed asked.

"Oh he had plenty of evidence," Laxus laughed. "Hard to get shit past the guy when he's your grandfather."

"Makarov?" Freed frowned.

"Yeah, used to be in charge of the school. Only retired because the school board forced him to," Laxus grinned. "He started working at the hotel because he found retirement boring," Laxus smiled for a moment at the memory of his grandfather's sudden proclamation he was buying the hotel, before looking back to Freed, smile drooping slightly. "I just admitted to beating up kids and being a bully, why doesn't that bother you?"

"Some of my clients intentionally lower their workers' wages to increase their own paycheque, and then laugh about it," Freed shrugged. But Laxus nudged him, sensing there was more. "Nobody was there best in high school, I certainly wasn't."

"You were a bully too huh?" Laxus laughed, joking.

"Well, not exactly, but I wasn't the most kind," Freed leant back in his chair. "I was the smartest person there and wanted people to know it. I would start discussions on test results just so I could make sure everyone knew I'd gotten one hundred percent. And there was one boy, he wasn't the smartest, who sat beside me in most classes. Alphabetised seating plans and all. I could be rather… patronising to him. I think I had a crush on him, in retrospect. It was probably a twisted way of trying to deal with it."

"You don't seem like that now," Laxus commented. "Other than when you're joking, but I know that ain't serious. What changed?"

"Evergreen and Bickslow essentially told me that if I didn't get over myself, they'd stop being my friends," Freed smiled. "Other than them, I only had my parents. I couldn't lose them."

They sat in silence, Freed thinking back to the person he was in high school, Laxus perhaps doing the same thing. It was an odd feeling, sitting with someone who somewhat understood what it was like being ashamed of the person you used to be, but knowing you've grown past them. Most people, if they did feel like that, didn't talk about it. It was nice to know that, in Laxus, he had someone he could relate to.

It was also nice to know that he had just come out to Laxus and the blonde hadn't so much as blinked.

"I would have kicked your ass if we went to school together," Laxus declared, smirking.

"You would have tried," Freed corrected, allowing the mood to be lifted. "But, as a child I was also an award-winning fencer. I would have stabbed you before you could hurt me."

"Hard to stab someone when you've been knocked out," Laxus grinned cockily, making a fist. This had the unfortunate side effect of making his bicep flex, and therefore Freed had to avert his gaze.

They chuckled together, enjoying their joke that wasn't particularly funny. It was relaxing to be around with Laxus, and Freed felt as though he could be honest with him in a way that he couldn't be with others. Perhaps that was because he was the first person Freed had gotten to know deeply since his time in school. But that didn't matter, really. Because the important thing was that he enjoyed Laxus.

"Come on," Laxus spoke again. "I don't trust my bandage work. Let's go to the doctors, make sure you ain't gonna get infected or some shit."

And stupidly, Freed's heart fluttered at that.

~~~

"You really are distracted, ain't ya?"

Freed looked up from his hand, which he had placed on the table and was fiddling with, and towards Laxus. The blonde had an expression unknown to Freed, something between being amused and contemplative. Freed frowned.

"I suppose I am," Freed agreed. "I'm sorry. You wanted to do this and I'm being terrible company. What were you saying?"

"It ain't important," Laxus gave a half shrug. "You wanna tell me what's bothering you?"

"As I said, I've got an upcoming case that could be very good for my company," Freed quickly lied, because the truth was now completely untellable. "It's getting to me a little, but it's not as bad as you might think. I just need to rationalise everything."

"Right. So when I texted Evergreen a second ago and she said you don't have anything planned at work, she was lying?" Laxus crossed his arms, and Freed's eyes narrowed.

"You and Evergreen talk?"

"You can bullshit me all you want, but I'm gonna be able to see through it," Laxus said, ignoring Freed's question. "And you don't have to tell me what's actually bothering you, because if it ain't my business then it ain't my business."

Freed wanted to snipe at him. Ask him why, if he believed his words, was he still talking?

"I'm just gonna say this," Laxus continued. "Nothing has to be done if you don't want it to be."

And, in a way, there was the reality that Freed had been hiding from. Because, as much as he didn't want to leave Magnolia behind, he also didn't want to let himself think he could stay. The hard line he had always drawn with the house was that, once it was functional and sellable, he would sell it and get back to his normal life. Not only was it a goal for him to achieve, but it had also turned into a rule he had to follow.

Because his fondness for both the town and Laxus had been gradual, and it hadn't gone unnoticed by Freed. He told himself he had to leave the place behind at some point, and doing that once the house was sold was a way of holding himself accountable. Once the building work had been completed, there was nothing else for him to do in Magnolia.

But that was a lie.

And the only person keeping him true to the rule was himself.

"I always said that I would sell it once everything was fixed," Freed stated, voice flickering into the lawyer tone he denied having.

"Then say something else," Laxus retorted, as if Freed could do that. "Look, I don't know what your life is like when you're in the city. But I know you seem to like being here. So why don't you just keep coming?"

"I-" Freed paused. He needed to think. "My real life is in the city. I can't-"

"Who says that your real life is just in the city? You've been coming here every weekend for months now, it's as much a part of your life as anything," Laxus stated, and his smile made Freed's resolve crumble slightly.

"I told myself that once the house-"

"This isn't about the house" Laxus insisted. "This is about you, fucking idiot. I think being here makes you happy. And if something makes you happy, why stop because of some bullshit rule you set yourself? That ain't smart."

Freed thought, for a moment.

It was almost nauseating to hear Laxus speaking like this, and Freed couldn't explain why. Well, perhaps he could, but the explanation wasn't something he was willing to entertain. Because the only real reason Laxus would be so insistent on Freed returning to Magnolia as he had been doing was because he wanted to keep seeing Freed. He wanted Freed to stop coming as much as Freed wanted to.

But Freed couldn't allow himself to accept that. Because if he did, he'd start wondering why. And then maybe he'd trick himself into thinking that his silly crush was reciprocated. He couldn't.

"There is… more work I could do," Freed spoke without thinking.

"I guess there is," Laxus nodded. "So you're sticking around? For the house"

"For the house."

It wasn't for the house. They both knew it.

[illumniscate]

The Chimatas of Frammersbacher Forst

As a folklorist, I am scientifically minded. I specifically focus my research on stories and how they manifest themselves in the everyday lives of people. As a kid growing up in a German village, I was always fascinated by the stories that the elders told me about the sounds the willows made, mushroom rings and what have you. I wanted to find the roots of the truth, to see the invisible.

During my whole career, I had to conclude how all the tales, sightings, all events seemingly supernatural could be explained away with very sober, often mundane reasonings. This happened so many times that this kind of rationalisation has become second nature to me. Each time I hear of an account or a token of something out of a folk tale, my mind reflexively begins producing explanations to deal away with the wishfulness towards a more magical reality. I have achieved the opposite of what I hoped as a gleeful child. Until very recently, that is.

An abandoned hut was called to my attention, somewhere in the Frammersbacher Forst. The anonymous call - a common occurrence in my life - didn't go into too many details, just told me the coordinates and that there is proof of chimatas or something, I didn't quite get that part. I just lazily penned down the numbers and already forgot about the whole thing. "Maybe I'll get there in a couple of months," I thought, as my table was already full of research to sort out.

Later that night, I sat in my chair and filled my pipe, about to light it, when the spark from the match sparked a fire I haven't ever seen before. Two little flaming skulls blazed in front of me, and now in retrospect I know I didn't hallucinate when I heard a rasping, smokey duo of voices say "Heelp uus!"

I sat there, my mind immediately dismissing the event as a fancy. "I am growing old." That must have been it, I thought, concerned for my sanity. So I scratched the match again and this time I could light the pine tobacco as usual. As I was puffing, I looked at the smoke, thinking of how people come up with the wildest narratives while trying to reason with a world that often makes little sense. Pareidolia, it's called. While I was musing, I could imagine faint ghostly figures in the smoke, reminding me of what I saw in the flame earlier. Just as I grew uneasy again, I heard a whisper, right in my ear: "goo to the foreesst." I was spooked and jolted to look around, but there was no one around. I was alone, and alone I went to sleep. But for some reason, I couldn't doze off as usual. That was something that hasn't happened to me in years. At least I figured out why pretty quickly: I have felt that good old mystique crawl beneath my skin, something was happening and I needed to know why. An explanation wasn't simple to come up with - and damned my sanity be - I was reminded of the tracks I followed beneath the autumn leaves as a child, hoping to find a sheltered gate to a magical kingdom. In all honesty, I've never stopped searching for it.

In the morning I arranged my supplies, sat in my car and started driving. I don't usually smoke outside of my home, but as I was about to leave, I took my piping kit with me. I felt it might help me calm my nerves once I figure out the banal explanation to the "chimatas" and phantoms haunting me. Frammersbacher Forst was more than a half day's journey away, and during the whole trip, starting with the most recent memories and tracing backwards, I was thinking of all the disenchantments I had to face during my career. This retrogressive pilgrimage along the paths of my life finally led me back to when I was that little, mischievous, curious brat. I felt the sense of wonder that I long thought lost.

The hut was a bit difficult to locate. Besides the darkening day being somewhat foggy, the house was small, long-abandoned and blended in within the trees from which it must have been built. Moss covered its roof and walls. Upon investigation, I couldn't find any traces of recent activity, which made my anonymous source curious. "Probably just a couch lie." But how would they know of this location? Did they know of it for years and decided to pull a prank? These thoughts were an obvious dead end, I had to enter, but the door was locked. Frustrated, I went back to the car for my toolbox. I also took my battery lamp, attached it to my belt, and I noticed my pipe box offering itself from the passenger seat, so I took it too.

I began to work on the door, but the conditions made it very difficult to work. I couldn't lock-pick the keyhole, my crowbar, amazingly, broke, and the hammer did little to nothing except squish aside the moss from the handle. "This is ridiculous." I was frustrated, as the rediscovered curiosity in me left me with less patience than usual. I decided to fill the pipe and clear my mind. As I was puffing, I noticed how thick the smoke from my pipe grew, almost as if it tried to reinforce the fog. I looked around and saw something even stranger: the smoke was forming a clear thread, swirling around, and four little hands hovered in front of me, gesturing me to follow the smoke. Almost as if enchanted, I heeded the call. I walked around the house and stumbled into something I failed to notice before - an ancient, withering ladder. Being a bit numbed down about the developing situation, I heard a "sshhh!" It was the hands, again, but now there were two hazy faces to accompany each pair. They were gesturing me to look up to the chimney, into which my smoke was pouring in like in some reversed footage. I understood, took the ladder and placed it to climb up to the roof.

I looked down the chimney but saw only darkness. My rational mind came to rescue me from the dread I felt: "This is ridiculous," and with that, I climbed in.

What I saw inside was the furthest it could have been from my expectations. The fireplace was on and it lit the whole room. There was a big armchair next to it, a round table with a chair not far from it and a bed in the corner. I approached the table and saw that it was set for dinner, with a large, steaming pot in the middle, and three plates around it. The one right in front of me was regularly-sized, but the other two were miniatures. Not even for children, this must have been for people the size of... "Kobolds?"

"Siit wiith uss." I heard from the pot, and the chair behind slid underneath me, forcing me to sit. I heard a chuckle. "Suuppeerrr wiith uuss." At this point, I have to admit, I would have rather clung to the idea that I lost it. But the weight of reality was much more chilling. I couldn't control my movements. I felt like a ragdoll, with my strings being pulled from the pot. I took the scoop and filled my plate, then poured some of the broth into the tiny dishes and as I did, I saw a ghostly figure forming around each. Two characters, each kneeling next to its meal. A female and a male, teeny creatures in old-fashioned, simple yet nice-looking clothes. I heard them giggle again.

"Thaankss foorr comiiing!" The woman said, and the other added: "Maasteeerr..." I was so terrified that I couldn't make any sense of what was happening, but I knew that I must resist the urge to take... Up that spoon... And eat... NO! But I couldn't, I swallowed the soup and it was tasty. I took the next spoonful and then the next until I was well fed. My "hosts" also finished and were looking at me. "Seet uus freee, pleeease..." With my hair standing up, I couldn't but do what they requested. "You... Are free to go..." I whispered.

"Thaankss..." Then, they fell where they stood and began to wither. The warm light around me began to dim as the two creatures mummified before my eyes. I was left in complete darkness, so I grabbed my light and looked around. Everything was in a ruined state, as I would have expected at first. The table was still standing, although in a bad shape, with the two dead creatures on it, the pot cold and empty. My fear was gone, and all that was left was sympathy. I tried the door, which was open this time around. I went back to the car for specimen containers and carefully took with me the two bodies and what I could salvage of their worldly belongings.

Originally, I wanted to bury them. But for some inexplicable reason, I couldn't let go. And the more I researched the local folklore and history, the more I grew attached to them, the pair of chimatas. I wish I knew them by their names.

Based on the evidence I could later gather from and around the hut, local hearsay, some archival data and reminiscing sightings in other parts of the continent, I managed to put together the following folk tale:

Once upon a time, there was a magical forest in a magical land, in which a kind recluse lived. He was a common man, from the time when the world had just begun turning its back on the mystical and looking towards ever-increasing exploitation. He lived as a forester, a protector of nature. In time, he knew all the animals by their first names and all the enchanted creatures of the whole wide woods. On one occasion, he managed to convince a pack of wolves to spare an orphaned chimata girl. Whether the wolves finished off her parents, he never asked and she never told. He took up to raise her as his own. As she grew, she fell in love with a fellow chimata, a strapping and gracious lad. But, the old forester was growing old, and instead of abandoning him, she asked her soon-to-be husband to move into her home. So he did, and the pair helped out the ageing man with their magic and goodness. The man gathered mushrooms, seeds and plants, the two cooked. He gathered wood, they sparked enchanted, long-lasting fires. While the man was gone, the chimatas promised to take care of the house and never leave it, lest their protective magic would not stay behind. And so they lived for a good while. One evening, however, the old man didn't return for supper. The broth was set from available supplies and the chimatas waited. Days passed, and they patiently waited, but their friend never returned. They kept the soup warm but never ate. Until, finally, they starved, together. True to their promise, they could never leave the place, their souls could never wander the afterlife as they should, embarking in their transformed existence on otherwordly endeavours. They needed a kindred soul, a believer who never stopped searching to hear their inaudible pleas to set them free. They needed one last meeting with a friend, or impersonator, to release them from their bind, guilt-free. Such are the ways of magic.

That someone was me, and this very folktale is as true as they come. I should know, I was there. As the first-ever genuine proof that I managed to find after all these decades, I kept the mummies. I arranged their items in the twin box I also found in the hut. They probably used to sleep in them. I discovered a curious property to the box: it defies measuring. It weights differently and appears to be of different sizes at each assessment. I glued a piece of measuring tape (that I also found in the hut) to try and "fix" the length of the box, but it didn't work. I find that as irrefutable proof of its magical properties.

As I approach the end of my life, I wish to give the remnant of this magic to someone else who might need a reminder of how we, as children, look at the world. In that spirit, I imagine that the two chimatas could finally meet their old friend, who still protects Frammersbacher Forst. I believe that I will join them too, and whisper cryptic clues into wanderer's ears.

[bitterepiphany]

my thoughts on 139

part 1 of 2

***big spoilers for 139 and the manga***

so, i read 139.... and as much as, yeah, it's disappointing (imo), and yeah, it doesn't really make sense (again, imo), this is what isayama gave us, and there's nothing we can do to change it, despite our complaints. THIS is the ending we got, and ill be damned if i don't try and at least understand it

and a disclaimer: these are entirely MY opinions, if you disagree, that's fine! these are just my thoughts and analysis on the chapter and it's perfectly okay if you have different opinions about it. also, this is going to be quite long, just a warning

so i'd like to start by saying that none of us actually know what eren saw back in chapter 90 when he kissed historia's hand. throughout the whole wfp arc we've seen eren (mostly) from an outside perspective. his true motivations have, for the most part, only been revealed to us through the reactions and perceptions of others. take chapter 123 for example, when armin figures out that eren is actually on their side by activating the rumbling, but then is confused as to why he tore down all of the walls, rather than just the one in shiganshina

i guess the way i'm trying to rationalise it is through what eren is desiring to be the outcome of this situation. he cares for his friends. we know this. he loves them more than anything. it seems to me that he is aware of his friend's desires. the people of paradis are in an impossible situation. if they activate the rumbling, they kill off all the other humans outside of the island. if they don't, they all get massacred by marley and the other world forces. so here, eren is trying to give them a solution that doesn't mean (entire) world genocide. he knows that armin and his friends don't support the rumbling, but also understands the cost of the freedom he so desperately wishes his friends to have. so he comes to a compromise - set off the rumbling, make his friends the saviours of the world, and prove to the rest of humanity that they were wrong in thinking that all of the people on paradis were 'devils'.

armin makes a good point here. did eren really have to go this far? and eren's lack of response is really answer enough for us. we don't know. it's not something for us to know. it just is.

so enter the founder ymir. this is one of the only parts of this chapter that really make sense to me and i'm able to piece together in my head. ymir was in love with king fritz. that's something that has already been established. we've all wondered why ymir didn't just break the restrictions holding her as basically a slave to fritz when she was so powerful. and as much as it might seem cringey and boring, it was simply love. since she gained her titan power, ymir was (however superficially and non-genuinely) acknowledged. and after being a kicked-upon slave her whole life, being acknowledged and valued by the king would have been incredible for her. so it does make sense that she would fall in love with the only one who (presumably) gave her life any value.

and love makes us do stupid things. we hold onto the things we love, even if we know that it brings us more hardship than happiness. and that's what ymir was experiencing. she couldn't stop loving king fritz, even though it brought her pain. and that's tragic.

ymir was a slave to love. love didn't mean freedom to her. enter mikasa. mikasa, who has never been a slave to anything in her life. mikasa, who has loved eren unconditionally, and has chosen to love eren, despite his urgings for her to forget him. now, i see the differences in ymir and mikasa's love as being the choice to love. ymir saw her love as restrictive and painful, and wished to be free from it. mikasa actively chose to love eren, despite everything, and was still 'free', so to say - proven by her wrapping the scarf around herself in 138, choosing not to forget eren, because she loved him. and it's quite poignant to me because it is her choice, and her choice alone that makes her do this.

so maybe ymir was waiting for someone who could show her that love isn't just the pain she's become accustomed to, and that love can be pure and freeing, rather than restrictive. maybe that's why ymir was standing and smiling as mikasa kissed eren, because she saw the pure love that mikasa had for him, and how she chose him freely. maybe mikasa was that person who showed her how love wasn't necessarily a bad thing. but again, it's not something we will ever know for certain, and as eren says:

now that's just my interpretation of this whole 'ymir was waiting for mikasa' thing, and there are still some things that don't really make that much sense to me, but that's how i'm rationalising it.

the power's of the founding titan have clearly taken a massive toll on eren. he now exists in all of time itself. as he says, he's just trying to reach an end goal, and even doing that is extremely taxing for him due to the past, present, and future he is experiencing all at once. and i believe that end goal is split into two different parts - eren helping ymir find mikasa; and eren trying to find the best possible outcome for his friends in regards to paradis' fate. he has seen the future, and that future meant the inevitable rumbling, so that was what he had to achieve.

i've always held the belief that eren is a 'slave to freedom', doing everything he can to achieve the freedom he so desperately wants. but now it seems that eren is a slave to the freedom of his friends, and the freedom of the founder ymir, rather than the freedom of himself. and honestly? that kinda contradicts what his character has been up to this point, but again, that's just my opinion.

so eren made the dina titan eat his mum instead of bertholdt. i'm not quite sure why everyone is so caught up on this fact? yes, it's a horrible thing. but you can clearly tell that this was not an easy thing for eren to do. it explains why bertholdt was ignored after he came out of his titan, and wouldn't doing this give eren the drive he needs to have, the hatred that is necessary for him to 'keep moving foward'? i remind you all that eren massacred 80% of the human race; what makes you think he is going to stop his goals simply because he doesn't want his mother to die. but if his mother hadn't died, would eren be where he is today? i don't think so.

these next few pages make me sad. now, this is just me trying to make sense of what happens, not me saying that this is a good thing that isayama did with eren's character. i think here, we see eren as something he tries hard not to acknowledge - human. i think a lot of us forget that eren is only a young 19 year old boy, who has the fate of the world thrust in his hands. did he ask for this? no.

no, eren is only trying to follow the path that was set out for him, but that doesn't mean he has to like it. he's so young, and he loves mikasa and the rest of his friends so much that it hurts him to have to make the choice to be away from them. while he does work for the greater purpose of freedom, and actively chooses to do this and make choices because of this, he is still bound to yearn and long for the things he could have had - just like the little alternate reality we got in 138 about living the rest of his life in peace with mikasa. like he says, he wants mikasa to live happily, but it hurts him to acknowledge that his death is the only way to bring that about (in his opinion, at least).

here, eren is reminded of why he has made the choices leading up to this moment. freedom. that is what he is striving for. even if the founder's powers are messing up his head and making him unsure of why he even did all this, he did it for freedom.

now, i'm not gonna address the 'thanks for being a murderer for us' line. i can't explain that one. it just doesn't make any sense to me and i'm not gonna try and make it make sense. sorry.

i'm only allowed 10 images per post so this will just be part 1!