#CONOR SING ME TO SLEEP

[burke-juliet]

conor mason could literally sing whatever and i'd be clinging to every note like my life depended on it

[pretendingday]

"I was quick to want the world rid of its fools an hour ago, I forget sometimes how much an exemplar I am among them." "That’s not how I see you."

A fanmix about James Fitzjames and Francis Crozier from AMC’s The Terror. Chronological and mostly canon compliant.

Listen on Spotify

Keep reading for songs and motivations.

1. All The Old Showstoppers - The New Pornographers

"When John he saw the numbers he lied, made up the whole thing, failed when he tried" This song is about responsibility, good intentions, and failure. It feels like a good place to start. Also, (Sir) John sure did fail when he tried.

2. Get Famous - The Mountain Goats

"You’ve been waiting for this, ever since you’ve been young, be careful not to choke on your tongue" This song will always be JFJ's theme song to me. The tone of it also fits in with the "tell us about bird shit island, why don't you, James" energy.

3. French Exit - The Antlers

"I’m not a puppy you take home, don’t bother trying to fix my heart" Now, this one is about fighting. It's about the "there hasn't been a single meal we've shared, a single conversation, when you weren't morbing on about what you're due." It's about the "keep your pity."

4. Victorian Ice - Sea Power

"And you better keep moving before you get totally cold" They're victorians, on ice. That's all the motivation you need. Also the song is about communication issues and needing each other, so... I rest my case.

5. Not Dead Yet - Lord Huron

"You’re tired of me, I’m tired of you" This song is about self-hatred and alcoholism. But it's also about not being dead yet, so there's... hope? Maybe?

6. The Counterfeiter - Crooked Fingers

"You don’t belong here, your heart’s a fake, the ghosts who chose you were mistaken" James has imposter syndrome, part one.

7. Someone You’d Admire - Fleet Foxes

"One of them wants only to be someone you’d admire, one would as soon just throw you on the fire" Sometimes it's hard to change, and even harder to know whether you want to impress someone, or still hate their guts. I feel like this goes for both of them.

8. Straight and Tall - Iron & Wine

"Don’t tell me all the shit you’ve done, how you push your luck with everyone, ‘cause your mean upbringing’s left you a mess" James has imposter syndrome, part two, but this time Francis goes "that's not how I see you".

9. Your Rocky Spine - Great Lake Swimmers

"I was moving across your frozen veneer, the sky was dark but you were clear" Listen, it's about the metaphors. I can't explain it to you, it's just the vibes.

10. I’ll Be Your Girl - The Decemberists

"I could be your man, but I’d be that much more" It's gender time. Reading way too much into the dress scene is something that can be so personal.

11. After Those Who Mean It - Laura Stevenson

"It’s as if you knew me, and even though it’s briefly, and though it’s not completely, I can feel you reading, reading me to sleep" This song is about persevering, even though you know it's all coming to an end. It's sad hours, and I'm afraid it's all downhill from here.

12. Colder Heavens - Blanco White

"Here I stand undressed, here I confess my doubt, did you know that I would?" The mortifying ordeal of being known, and also being hunted by a monster bear, and also there's a mutiny. That's not what the song is actually about, but it has the vibes.

13. Lucky Man - Emerson, Lake & Palmer

"He went to fight wars for his country and king, of his honour and his glory the people would sing" Something something "there will be poems". This song is the poem.

14. I Will - Mitski

"And while you sleep I’ll be scared, so by the time you wake I’ll be brave" I feel like I don't have to explain myself with this one, but I do have tissues if you need them. I did warn you it's sad hours.

15. The Pugilist - Keaton Henson

"But the truth is I need you to tell me I’m worthy of all this great living that I’ve been doing" James has imposter syndrome, part three, but now he's also dying.

16. Artifact #1 - Conor Oberst

"The world is full of missing persons, all of these unsolved mysteries" James is still dying. Francis is feeling... not great about it.

17. Genesis 30:3 - The Mountain Goats

"I will do what you ask me to do, because of how I feel about you" This is the song that made me start this fanmix. Imagine someone you love asking you to kill them. Imagine being unable to deny them anything. Remember when I said you could have my tissues? I take it back, I need them myself now, thanks.

18. Another New World - Josh Ritter

"I won’t call it rescue what brought me here back to the old world to drink and decline, and to pretend that the search for another new world was well worth the burning of mine" This song is about an arctic explorer surviving, but at much too great a cost. Perfect theme song for Final Girl Francis. It's also extremely long, so you have time to get all those tears out before moving on with your life. Thank you for listening.

[ttubtac]

August 3 2022, Life Update.

     A lot has changed since I last wrote here. And it has nothing to do with drugs. Admittedly, I stopped withdrawing from Clonazepam about 3 years ago and stopped at .625 mg. I don’t know what I was at the last time I wrote here, but I’m sure it was higher than that.

     Since 2018, a lot of people are gone. Keith died, and that sucks the hardest. I was always hoping he’d get clean and we could just pick up where we left off. I’m never gonna have another friend like him. Everyone has shit taste. And he always challenged me. It feels like sometimes, there’s just a person that was here for you to meet, and you have to do your best to protect them and keep them around. But I didn’t try hard enough. I know it’s not my fault he’s dead, or even if I intervened if anything would have changed. But I wish he was still here. There are so many things I wanted to show him. He would have thought it was so sick that I was making electronic music. And since me and him always loved rhythm games, that same skill transfers to fighting games. I wanted so badly to get him into them. He would have loved them probably more than rhythm games. Especially games that are combo heavy. But whatever.      Paige and Kristie are dead, too. I’m sure there are even more that I’m just not thinking of right now. But it’s surreal. Especially Kristie. That one I still feel like I’m dreaming when I hear about and it’s been a few months now. It’s all meaningless honestly. The older I get the more jaded I get. And I really feel like if you don’t surround yourself with things to give you a weird sense of false hope or and afterlife or something, the truth of it all becomes impossibly difficult to look directly at.

     I think I have cancer. It started in the summer of 2020. You know how people say you can die from a broken heart. I think it’s stupid but I guess just silly timing that my ex had broken up with me a few months before. And then this thing in my neck just started to grow. And I first went to my doctor and they weren’t worried. And then I went to an ENT and he wasn’t worried. Then I went back like 7 months later and they started to worry. Then proceeded about 15 appointments to get an CT scan of my neck but this awesome phobia of puking seems to now only pop up as a burden to make things that are easy to do, impossible. So I never got the CT scan. And 2 years later, it’s so much worse with no end in sight. I’m sorry for not getting the scan. But like I said before, it’s pointless anyways.

     I have no motivation anymore. I’m not sure if I have cancer or not, but this past year every day feels like I’ve never slept before. My legs are so tired I can hardly stand. Doing simple things like carrying a basket of laundry makes me so tired. No matter how much I sleep, I wake up feeling like I could sleep another 100 hours. But if I sleep any more than 7 I just have a bad headache.

     I haven’t made music in a long time because it feels like I’m past this sort of prime where I can make what I want to make. Solo artists who are little sad guys make their best music in their 20′s. When you’re in your 20′s, it’s ok to be sad all the time because all the other little 20 year olds relate to you. And they are just as sad about not having the car keys to go see their crush or they can’t play Fortnite cause it’s a nice day outside. But in your 30′s, everyone is aware that everything sucks. And you don’t have it any better or worse than everyone else. So if I was to write a song, and all I know how to do is write sad shit, I just come off as complaining when nobody wants to hear it. So I have to take the route of washed up musicians like Conor Oberst and Ben Gibbard. Make shitty folk that’s so far removed from the passion you had before it feels like you’re only making music because you have to, not cause you want to. There’s no point and it’s all garbage with no feeling. If you want to kill yourself, you should be able to sing about it. Well you can, but after 30, you know.

     The motion sick thing is still running rampant over me, too. I haven’t played many video games since about 2018 probably. And from 2021 to early 2022, I stopped playing games all together. I couldn’t look at anything on a screen anymore without wanting to puke for a minimum of 2 hours. And that’s anything, even short 2 second clips of a video game in an ad would send me into barf town. So I stopped. But then it bled into everything else, I couldn’t watch movies, I couldn’t look at my phone, I couldn’t read books, I couldn’t go in the car, I couldn’t skateboard. I sat here and felt like the only way to pass the time was the plan my suicide because if you aren’t fucking, and there’s no other external pleasures in your life, why continue? And this is on top of the fact that I was you know, dealing with some “neck cancer” thing.

     Fortunately, it eased up a bit. I can play some games again which is nice. Sometimes I still get sick, but I think it’s an attitude thing. The less I care, the easier it is. But it still gets the best of me sometimes and I have to forfeit a day.

     I’m dating someone now. She’s very sweet. But I have this overbearing feeling that she doesn’t like me. It’s an LDR, which is weird to me in the first place. I’ve never been in an LDR before. And I never wanted one. But Covid making the world so closed down made it hard to meet people. And the way my life works is the fear of Covid only grows as everyone stops giving a fuck about it. So, almost three years into Covid and I more scared of it than I ever have been. But either way, I met her three months ago. And I do like her a lot. But there are a lot of mixed signals. She’s not very flirty, and not romantic at all. And if I try to be romantic she will either shut it down, or change the subject. Sometimes I feel like I’m getting Catfished. But then I think it’s ok, because I’m probably dying anyways, and the attention is nice. So if I am, it’s alright. But if I’m not, then it was worth it anyways. Win-win, I guess.

     I hope things continue to grow with her, though. Even if I paint my insecurities pretty thick, that’s what they are. And when it comes down to it, I’m just an insecure, jealous fuck. And I’ve always been like that. I hate my face, and I can’t change that. So when someone else likes it, it flips my world around and I sit on cloud 9 for a while before coming back to all the glass half empty stuff. And that’s where I am right now. I’m back from Cloud 9 and it feels like shit.

     So to recap, things aren’t so bad. But there’s no point to any of it, anyways.

[daydreamingleclerc]

what i think the england NT would sing at karaoke and why (as a university student who’s department does karaoke nights on a thursday evening):

jordan henderson

song: no one by alicia keys

this man claims he is alicia keys’ number one fan, but this song comes on at the annual England National Team Karaoke Night and he is facing the screen the entire time because he doesn’t know the words, but he claims it’s stage fright. he dedicates it to his wife because he’s that kind of husband and his deep, enthralling voice makes everyone in that bar get their lighters out by the end of the song.

declan rice

song: body (remix) by tion wayne & russ

this was always going to be declan’s obvious karaoke choice and despite it being his number one played song of 2021 on his spotify wrapped, he still only knows the first fifty seconds, and repeats it throughout the entirety of the next three minutes and forty five seconds. mason is the only one left on the dance floor but he leaves in tears at the end after dec dedicates the song to his one true love —jarod bowen.

jesse lingard

song: you’re welcome from moana

jesse didn’t want to get up and sing moana, if he had his way he would of sang a lovely bit of michael jackson but he couldn’t find a babysitter on such short notice and so hope was his date to karaoke and she forced her dad to get up and sing moana just for her. after the first minute jesse sinks into the song and ends up choreographing a fully fleshed out routine then and there on the stage which has everyone — but marcus who’s seen it seven times already — mesmerised.

harry kane

song: when a man loves a woman by percy sledge

grandad’s been let out of the retirement home for one night and already he’s sending everyone to sleep. he thinks he’s the next frank sinatra when in reality he’s no better than dave the bin man who lives next door but no one has the heart to tell him that. the only person interested in him all night is gareth, his wife’s snuck off to drink vodka cranberries in the smoking shelter wearing a big puffy coat provided by philly foden so he doesn’t recognise her just for a minutes peace.

kyle walker

song: don’t you want me baby by the human league

kyle’s a romantic so when he steps up to the mic and dedicates the song to his boyfriend john everyone — including annie — swoons and sings along. he only knows the chorus so when the verses come on he begins monologging about all the times him and john have spent together and takes his tequila sunrise up onto the stage with him even though he’s a Known Spiller, and john has to talk him down off of the stage before he starts to cry.

tyrone mings

song: proud mary by tina turner

tyrone is a lover of the classic things in life, and so he’s chosen to sing one of the classic karaoke bangers, which automatically brings some life into the party after grandad’s second rendition of when a man loves a woman. mason’s doing the dance movement with one of ben’s crutches in the corner and conor is so proud he shed’s a tear.

marcus rashford

song: passionfruit by drake

he wanted to sing cake by the ocean by DNCE but it wasn’t until grealo told him the what the meaning of eating cake by the ocean actually was that he decided to avoid the song. marcus has some glorious pipes and he’s not ashamed to put them to use with this glorious rendition of passionfruit that’s so beautiful it makes everyone rush to the bar for a shot of passionfruit vodka.

john stones

song: wonderwall by oasis

it’s the third karaoke night in a row john’s put this one in, and it’s only the first time it’s been picked out of the hat. in his eyes — and rightly so — wonderwall is on par with bohemian rhapsody when it comes to karaoke, and when he gets up to sing it he makes everyone gather into one big circle on the floor and wrap their arms around one another as he does his best liam gallagher impression at the microphone.

[whatiwillsay]

the swiftgron red holy trinity plus 22

Ok so you guys may know I have fully become obsessed with three songs Taylor wrote in the Spring of 2012: Everything Has Changed, Treacherous, and Come Back... Be Here.

There’s a lot to say about these songs as Gaylor proof, how she assigns Treacherous to Harry, how she assigns EHC to Conor, and how neither Conor or Harry fit as the muse for CBBH... but today I want to talk about how these songs are all thematically linked to one another and the song 22(particularly the original lyrics.)

The songs all talk about night/are set at night

EHC - she sings about waking up and being changed, insinuating that something changed the night before, she also asks the person to “meet me there tonight”

Treacherous - in Style’s little sibling she sings about being out driving around at night and how she’s sleepless “Two headlights shine through the sleepless night”

Come Back... Be Here - She’s up at 4am (sleepless night!) chatting with this person

and in 22 - she has breakfast at midnight during the “perfect night”, “tonight’s the night we forget about the heartbreak”, PLUS “It feels like one of those nights, We won't be sleeping” (sleepless night!)

Falling for strangers

EHC - She just wants to know this person better now

Treacherous - It’s not as explicit but she’s getting swept away by this new person, gravity pulling her to them, they’re a new love and there is an air of “unknownness” to them in the song even if not explicitly commented on in the lyrics

Come Back... Be Here - “how strange that I don’t know you at all”

and in 22 - “It feels like a perfect night, For breakfast at midnight, To fall in love with strangers”

Rushing into things (didn’t they tell us don’t?)

EHC - She falls for this person in the space of 18 hours and she’s worried it might be all in her mind because it’s so new

Treacherous - It’s not as explicit but the quicksand nature of slipping into something with this new person feels rushed

Come Back... Be Here - It’s only the second day, they barely know one another, and she’s already completely besotted

and in 22 - “sometimes it hits me, we’re moving quickly”

Uncertainty/confusion

EHC - she’s worried it’s all in her mind and asking her new lover to come back and assure her it’s not

Treacherous - she can’t decide if getting swept away is a choice or not, she’s feeling very conflicted, she even says she’d be smart to walk away but she isn’t going to

CBBH - “The feeling you can know so much, Without knowing anything at all” ... “If I had known what I'd known now, I never would've played so nonchalant”

and in 22 - “Yeah, we're happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time It's miserable and magical”

Furthermore the original scrapped lyrics of 22 are the exact same vibe of Treacherous which tells of a dangerous love that she’s slipping into despite her trepidation that she has almost no choice but to plunge into as headlights cut through the nighttime haze.  She knows there’s danger and they might get her into trouble or be bad news but she’s going to do it anyway.

meanwhile 22 says this:

Sometimes it hits me, We're moving quickly, Toward something hazy, A future I can't see, Let's break the old rules, While we're still 22, You look like bad news, I gotta have you.

Now we are supposed to believe that these four songs have four different muses.  Harry for Treacherous, Conor for EHC, A mystery man for CBBH, and the fulltime fancy girls + selena for 22.  But it seems like she’s talking about the same relationship/connection.  Someone she’s up late nights with that she’s getting swept away by and fast.  Someone she has conflicted feelings for.  Someone she doesn’t know all that well but is already enamoured with in which she’s in a confusing but tantalizing situation with.  

There’s this heightened level of emotional stakes that are are raised so high the situation is both miserable and magical, it’s treacherous and dangerous and reckless but it’s worth the drive.  It’s only the second day and she’s already saying she misses this person so bad she’s breaking down over it.  She’s worried it’s all in her mind but it’s all she thinks about as their name echoes through her mind... This person looks like bad news but she’s gotta have them anyway.

Now of course Taylor loves a reoccuring theme. we know from debut to folkmore she addresses similar ideas about life and love again and again in similar terms.  So it’s of course possible that the artist is the common denominator here, not the muse.

However wouldn’t it make a hell of a lot of sense if Dianna were the muse for all of these songs?  The male muses associated with the songs are a mess.  Dianna is of course an appropriate muse for 22 with her name in the liner notes and Taylor did spend that whole spring and summer with her but Dianna also works as a fine muse for the other three songs too.

Taylor reflects on her new lover as the rain pours down around her in EHC and we know it rained all day in LA the first time she hung out with Dianna.  Furthermore, Dianna went to London and New York City (a couple times!) without Taylor that spring.

I don’t claim to have all the answers guys.  I don’t know who these songs are about but god damn if it doesn’t add up in my mind for them to all be about Dianna.

[theteaisaddictive]

fic writer meme

tagged by @cinderellasfella -- thanks, conor!!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

apparently i have 48 works on there, which . . . wow. most of those are probably the 'beauty of a beast' one-shots starting form when i was 16, but still!

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

440446!

3. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Ever Just the Same, A Rose's Thorn, How Do You Define Success, Les Rêveurs, Just Practising, and Human Again! That genuinely surprises me -- those last two I wrote way, way, way back in 2015 -- wait, no, I just checked and these came from 2013. what the fuck. I originally posted them on ffn, that's how old they are!

4. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

i do!! i love responding to comments!! it sometimes takes me a while, but i do respond! (hint; if it's been a few weeks (or months lol) and i suddenly respond to a comment, it's because i'm on ao3 to upload the latest chapter/fic i just finished writing)

5. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

either Mon Frère, Mon Ami or A Little Fall of Rain, both of which barely count as the prior has an extremely minor character death and the latter is, despite the title, Belle's perspective of the rooftop fight with Gaston -- so it gets immediately resolved in the next instalment. tightly knotted to a similar string gets points for being contextually sad, since it takes place chronologically during the prologue of ever just the same. bridget and yvonne not being able to sleep in the same bed, plus the rainfall heralding the end of summer . . . yeah, maybe that one.

6. What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

i have a couple which i think fit the bill for this -- Ever Just the Same, of course; hard to get happier than your gays getting married. In a Crowd of Thousands also has the gays running away to explore the world together, which is nice. my other pick would be A Rose's Thorn; although i do lay heavy on the angst of separation in the penultimate 2 chapters, the epilogue sorts everything out imo

7. Do you write crossovers? If so, what’s the craziest one you’ve written?

may i direct your attention to Roses and Lavender

8. Have you ever recieved hate on a fic?

no! i did once receive a comment on Behind A Fair Facade which demanded to know why my Scottish characters who lived in Scotland were calling 999 and not 911, but that's not hate so much as confusion

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

hehe. yes. so far exclusively f/f. i've not had the courage to start writing m/f or m/m smut yet (a brief, non-explicit paragraph in A Rose's Thorn notwithstanding, but by definition that's not smut). there won't be any in the main story of Roses and Lavender, but I'm toying with the idea of a side story featuring Kit and Adam's relationship development (this comment will make more sense as I publish more chapters of Roses and Lavender)

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

yes! back in . . . i think 2015 or 2016? one of the first fics i had ever written was a road trip fic for the Mortal Instruments series, while waiting for the last book to come out. someone on ffn very kindly messaged me about it after they noticed some glaring similarities (plot points, descriptions, the gang singing bohemian rhapsody in the car) -- iirc i did get in contact with the author, but i deleted most of my non-batb ffn stuff a while back as it was just too embarrassing.

11. Have you ever had a fic translated?

no -- but someone on ffn did get in contact with me once about translating A Rose's Thorn into Russian! i asked if they could wait until i had finished writing the story, and sadly, they never got back to me.

12. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

yes!! back in 2017/2018??? me and @lumiereswig co-wrote a short fic about agathe's magic going out of control around the castle, it was a lot of fun (and can be found here)

13. What’s your all time favourite ship?

*gestures at blog* take a wild fucking guess

14. What’s a WIP that you want to finish, but don’t think you ever will?

i had a wip for 2017!beast gets hanahaki disease and starts coughing up roses. i don't think it'll ever see the light of day, which is a shame because there was a really cool body horror section i wrote where he found his mother after she choked on lilacs, also dying of hanahaki disease pining for his father. cogsworth had hanahaki too, but because of the curse it didn't work on his metal body. i mean, who knows, i might do it one day lol.

15. What are your writing strengths?

i'm very good at description. i feel like 7 times out of ten my dialogue works and isn't too clunky. i also really like creating atmosphere and writing very introspective characters.

16. What are your writing weaknesses?

i feel like the biggest one, aside from action scenes, is that i'm not always great at writing the transition points in characters. i can write a character who is x. i can write that same character doing z. but the transition point, the y between x and z -- that's what i'm not so great at.

17. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

oh god never again. i did so much cringy 'french' for Behind A Fair Facade because i was 16 and studying it in school and thought i was hot shit. never again will i succumb to that particular hubris

18. What was the first fandom you wrote for?

beauty and the beast (1991)! i've been here the whole time, fuckers! you'll never get rid of me!!!!

19. What’s a fandom/ship you haven’t written for yet, but want to?

i mean, i have an elle/vivian legally blonde wip if that's what you mean

20. What’s your favourite fic you’ve written?

a tie between Ever Just the Same, A Rose's Thorn, and my heart has long been given to you (now i wanna hold you close). i'm super proud of all three of those fics.

tagging @wizardysseus, @jimmyandthegiraffes, and @anthropoperipherism; anyone else who wants to do this, consider yourself tagged!

[ameliaintherain]

Stranger In The Alps - Phoebe Bridgers

Phoebe Bridgers’ debut album released in 2017, the name for the album taken from the 1998 film The Big Lebowski, where Walter Sobchak asks “Do you want to see what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps?” The album was recorded with friends as Conor Oberst of Bright Eyes and Better Oblivion Community Centre, and Marshall Vore, her ex boyfriend and drummer. The album was released to great critical acclaim to the Dead Oceans label. Stranger In The Alps in an intimate record, filled with lyrics and chord progressions that will break your heart.

Smoke Signals

I didn’t know you then and I’ll never understand why it feels like I did

Smoke Signals is a slow love song written for her boyfriend at the time, Marshall Vore. The song tells a story of someone reaching out for the narrator, however the narrator remains unaware or uninterested. There is also a strong sense of nostalgia in the song, with references to The Smiths and David Bowie. Slow, hypnotic guitar rhythms and a dull thumping beat are heard throughout the song, while devastating string parts carry the instrumental sections that succeed the choruses. The black and white music video shows snapshots of Phoebe riding on a train, while walking around a building until she comes across a room full of people dancing in pairs, with their eyes and lips painted black. When Phoebe is sat alone in a room, one of the ghost-like dancers comes to dance with her. Later when she enters the room of dancers, they all stare at her and she begins to back out of the room.

Motion Sickness

I hate you for what you did, and I miss you like a little kid

TW: SEXUAL ASSAULT, EMOTIONAL ABUSE

Arguably one of the most upbeat songs on the record, Motion Sickness is a breakup song about the disgraced musician Ryan Adams (more details on that can be found here). The song is considered to be important to the #MeToo movement as she calls out Ryan Adams in a very public way and she is very open with the abuse she suffered throughout the duration of their relationship. The song is one of Bridgers’ most popular, with over 100M streams on Spotify. It is defined by an incredibly catchy chorus with a momentous bridge that prepares you for screaming the last chorus, the perfect song to listen to on a road trip. The music video shows Phoebe's journey from a hotel room to a karaoke club, where she is singing motion sickness.

Funeral

And I have this dream where I'm screaming underwater while my friends are waving from the shore

TW: OVERDOSE

According to Bridgers, this song is about attending the funeral of a close friend who overdosed on heroin. The song navigates themes of suffocating sadness, feelings of abandonment and apathy for things she once cared about, which are all symptoms of depression. She also talks about feeling miserable and unhappy with her life, but feeling as if her emotions are invalid because her friend had died. The subject of death is mentioned frequently throughout the song, as a constant reminder that her death is inevitable. The song features an acoustic guitar and strings towards the end, that emphasise the loneliness and pain of the song.

You can listen to Funeral here

Demi Moore

Now I can’t breathe and I can’t sleep

Demi Moore is a song about getting high and taking nudes. On the song title, Bridgers claimed “Someone misheard me when I said, “I don’t want to be stoned anymore.” They were just like, “stoned Demi Moore?”” The song focuses on Phoebe’s confusion on her attraction to someone: whether it’s purely sexual If there's a deeper emotional attachment. She also reflects on the fact that when she does get high, she manages to feel good about life, however the paranoia that comes with being high means she doesn’t get high very often.

You can listen to Demi Moore here

Scott Street

Do you feel ashamed when you hear my name?

This song was co-written with Marshall Vore, who reflects on a conversation he had with a manipulative ex-girlfriend post-breakup. They talk about how they are doing in life after the relationship. The song ends with the phrase “Don’t be a stranger” over and over, which is considered to be an afterthought and an indication of politeness to end the conversation. More on this can be found on the Song Exploder podcast. The song begins with one guitar playing a repeating chord progression, until the drums ironically come in at the lyric “I asked you “How is playing drums?””.The song ends with a massive instrumental outro, including drums and a variety of percussion instruments. The music video features people sitting in what appears to be a photography studio wearing wigs that resemble Phoebe’s iconic bleached hair. The group do a variety of activities together, such as using a buck machine, riding a tour bus and hitting a piñata that looks like Phoebe Bridgers, which can be inferred as a metaphor for self-hatred. The video ends with the group drinking and having fun, while Phoebe herself stares glumly into the camera.

Killer

When a machine keeps me alive and I'm losing all my hair I hope you kiss my rotten head and pull the plug

Killer is one of the darker songs on the record, where Phoebe explores and questions the way her mind works. Once again she touches on the subject of death, and how that connects to her fear of abandonment. Originally released in her 2014 EP Killer, the song has received widespread positive feedback from fans, claiming they feel as though their actions can be expressed and explained through this song. The song features a muted and sombre piano throughout the song, and her vocals effortlessly glide across the monotonous instrumental. The music video depicts Phoebe walking around a deserted landscape featuring a derelict house and dead trees. A body is discovered in the video but Phoebe does not react to it, which indicated that she is the one that put it there.

Georgia

If I fix you will you hate me?

Phoebe claims this is one of the first songs she ever wrote, dating back to her teenage years. The song describes Phoebe’s feelings in a relationship when she dated someone from Georgia, and how she felt vulnerable and insecure in the relationship. The song reminisces on a rainstorm in Georgia where her boyfriend followed her to a coffee-house. Throughout the song, Phoebe continues to list promising attributes to her partner, but she’s constantly faced with feelings of inferiority and seeks validation from him.

You can listen to Georgia here

Chelsea

Spit the blood back, baby I'm amazed that you're alright

Chelsea is about the murder of Nancy Spungen who was killed at the Chelsea Hotel in 1978. The song shows Phoebe’s interest in concepts such as "the obsession of how someone could kill another person”. The song once again touches on Phoebe’s depression and how she feels like her life is run by a “chemical imbalance” while telling the story of the murder, which is widely believed to have been committed by Sid Vicious of the Sex Pistols. Phoebe emphasises how Nancy was once full of life and love, but now her ghost says goodbye to Sid and refers to him as “prison boy” which implies that Nancy’s ghost thinks that Sid will go to prison for her murder.

You can listen to Chelsea here

Would You Rather

Next time I see you, you'll show me a hundred different ways to say the same things

In this song, Bridgers performs a duet with Bright Eyes frontman, Conor Oberst. The song is about Phoebe’s brother and follows a theme of domestic violence. In an instagram post she said “sitting in front of the TV was one of the main places we bonded as kids, second only to long road trips. This song beautifully shows that knowing someone means knowing all of their darkest and most gruesome childhood fears and nightmares, but friendship and time can turn those negative emotions into something useful”. As part of her 2020 virtual live tour, she also revealed that when she was younger, her childhood home burnt down and her brother Jackson was accused of starting the fire. The music video shows a series of TV heads shown in photographs, drawings and what appears to be a collage. Phoebe and Conor are shown during the chorus to emphasise the conversational element to it.

 You Missed My Heart

The most poetic dream came flowing like the sea laying there, my lifeblood draining out of me.

You Missed My Heart is a cover of a song by Mark Kozelek and Jimmy LaValle.

You can listen to the original version here.

You can listen to Phoebe’s version here.

Smoke Signals (Reprise)

A haunting instrumental version of the opening song of the album. 

You can listen to Smoke Signals (Reprise) here.

Live performances

Georgia

Tiny Desk Concert 2017 - Demi Moore, Motion Sickness, Killer

Live on KCRW - Motion Sickness, Would You Rather, Killer, Smoke Signals, Scott Street

Funeral

Chelsea

You Missed My Heart

[suitofvibraniumarmor]

If You Just Realize

Part Fourteen: Turning of the Tide

Summary: More changes come for Sebastian and his girls. Pairing: Sebastian Stan x Reader Word Count: 1915 Series Warnings: Death, angst, sadness. Lots of creative licensing, I’m sure. Chapter Warnings: Child custody issues, feels.    Square Filled: This entire series will fill my realized feelings square for @marvelfluffbingo​. A/N: I’ve much enjoyed writing this series, and I hope all of you enjoy reading it! The tag list is open; requests to be added can be done so here. There are bits and pieces of Romanian throughout the series, mostly from Google Translate and the few things I’ve picked up as I learn the language.

Also, I don’t know why I’ve never mentioned it before, but a huge song inspiration for the title of this fic (and some chapter titles) is Realize by Colbie Caillat.

Series Masterlist

Picture Credit

Sebastian deeply regretted sending Y/N to Los Angeles when the kind lady from the court came to get Milena to take her to Conor’s house. She wasn’t allowed to tell Sebastian much, but anything he needed to know, he figured he could learn from Alice and Tim anyway. 

Letting Milena go was torturous. She was trying her best not to cry, even as tears were rolling down her chubby cheeks. Sebastian squeezed her tight and made promises in Romanian so that the court lady couldn’t be held responsible for reporting back what he had said, and, honestly, to have that privacy with his niece. 

He went back into the house, immediately cursing the silence and wishing they would have seen this coming before they bought the place. If things didn’t work out with Y/N and Milena was taken away, what was the point of having all that space to himself?

Realizing Georgeta and Anthony had no idea what was going on, Sebastian called and explained as best he could. Georgeta was upset, and Anthony seemed to be too, but was holding it together for his wife. Sebastian promised to keep them updated, then disconnected the call. 

But only another thirty minutes passed before he was packing a weekend bag and driving over to his parents’ house. He knocked on the door when he arrived, his chin already quivering. Like a little boy, when his mother answered the door, he broke down in tears. The weight of the world was once again upon his shoulders but Sebastian didn’t know if he could hold it together this time. 

Y/N’s assistant met her in the lobby of the hotel that would be her home for the weekend. Once she was checked in, the two girls went up to the room and checked off a few boxes for business purposes before Y/N snapped her fingers. 

“I’ve got to tell Kennedy I’m in town. I’ll call her here soon. Do I need to take care of anything with the apartment?”

The younger girl shook her head. “It’s all done and taken care of; I turned your key in a couple of weeks ago. Oh, I have one more envelope of mail for you to go through — there’s some important looking stuff on the top. I don’t know if it’s maybe the final of the pre-nup or anything.”

Y/N shook her head. “No, those went to Seb’s place in New York. I’ll look at that mail soon — what time am I supposed to be ready for the interview tomorrow?”

“The car will pick you up around three, hair and makeup will be there for you. Just have to bring what you want to wear. I’ll be here by two-thirty, if not before.”

“Great, thanks, so much.”

They hugged before the assistant was on her way and Y/N was left to her own devices for the day. She called Sebastian, who informed her that Milena had been picked up to go to Conor’s, and he was staying with his parents until Y/N returned. 

“I should have stayed. I know it’s important for privacy purposes for me to be here, but I miss you already. Thank goodness your parents are close so you’re not alone.”

“Not the same as having you here,” Sebastian sighed. “I thought about coming out to Los Angeles, but I want to be close by in case something changes — even if that’s unlikely.”

Y/N shrugged. “I get it. I’ll be on the first flight out, day after tomorrow. I can take a cab home.”

“I’ll come get you. I want to come get you.” 

She smiled, despite the circumstances. “Let me know what happens, okay? If anything. I can’t wait to come home to you.”

“Can’t wait to have you home, Bright Eyes. I love you.”

“I love you more,” she returned. 

They talked for a while longer before disconnecting the call. Kennedy was Y/N’s next call, but that girl was filming on location, so meeting up wasn’t going to be an option. Shrugging and figuring she wouldn’t be too fun to hang out with at the moment anyway, Y/N crawled under the covers of the hotel bed and fell into a restless sleep. 

After hearing that the interview had been pleasant — and that she could honestly and enthusiastically speak to how in love with Sebastian she was and how happy their marriage had been so far — Sebastian became even more anxious to have her home. Her assistant had finagled a red-eye flight home after the taping, which meant that Y/N was coming home at four in the morning, but Sebastian didn’t much care. His wife was home and he felt so much less alone. 

She was still in her outfit from the taping when he met her on the arrivals sidewalk at LaGuardia. She raced into his arms, kissed him fiercely, then begged him to get her home. 

“I only want us to be together, in our home, waiting for Milena to come back.”

Sebastian took her hand and her rolling carry-on, leading both of them back to the car. The ride was silent, and she pulled her own suitcase up to the house when they arrived, then immediately got in the shower. She had been so excited to see him at first, but had quickly distanced. Sebastian wasn’t sure what had happened, but he wasn’t about to wait to ask her about it. 

He stripped down to nothing, tossed his clothes in the hamper, and went to join her in the shower. She smiled at his presence but then turned her face back toward the water. 

Sebastian leaned against her, using his hand on the wall to balance himself. He pushed the hair away from her neck, kissing the bare skin. 

“Talk to me,” he prompted. 

She turned a little so her face was out of the water. “About what?”

He gave her a look. “Y/N. I know you — remember that we were friends a long time before we were married. Before I realized that I love you.”

“Are you sure you love me?”

Sebastian frowned and gripped her upper arms gently, turning her to face him. “Yes, I love you. I’m in love with you. What could make you unsure?”

“It’s just — I know you needed me back here to support you with everything going on, but I was suddenly worried that with Milena not around, you would realize you only needed me as a friend. That you’re not truly in love with me.”

He let out a breath. “Let’s finish this shower, and then we’ll talk, okay?”

She nodded and reached for her shampoo; Sebastian took it from her, lathering up her locks before rinsing it out for her. He reached for the conditioner next. She soaped up her own body and rinsed off, then excused herself while he finished the shower on his own. 

When he came out from the bathroom, she was on her side of the bed in the same sweatshirt she had been wearing the day she told him she loved him for the first time. Her wet hair was swept to one side, and she was leaned against the headboard, waiting for him to come out. He pulled on clean boxers and sweats, then climbed onto the bed next to her. 

“Your hands are cold,” he whispered, taking them to his lips to press a kiss to her knuckles. “Y/N, listen to me. My love for you is not conditional on Milena being in our lives or even us being married or anything else. I should have seen it a long time ago — maybe one of all of those times that my mother was telling me I should marry you.” He smiled when that actually drew a giggle from her lips. “I want you as my wife. I want you to be the mother figure Milena needs, and I want to have a million more kids with you.”

“A million?” 

He laughed. “Okay, maybe two or three more. I want to grow old with you growing old with me. There’s nothing in this life that I will do or want to do that I don’t want you there for. I love you, Y/N, unconditionally.”

“I want all of that, too,” she whispered, wiping happy tears away. “I know that was the last discussion we never really got to have, but I was so afraid that my feelings were deeper than yours, and then this … it’s been an intense few months.”

Sebastian nodded. “That it has. No more pulling away from me, okay? And I promise not to pull away from you. We’re in this, together. Forever.”

“Forever,” Y/N repeated, pulling him towards her so she could plant a sweet kiss on his lips — although the interaction didn’t stop at a simple kiss. 

The packet of mail her assistant had given her in Los Angeles was spread out on the kitchen island, and Y/N was singing along softly to music as she went through all of it. Some of it could be thrown out, some she still wanted to look at, so she decided it was better to eliminate what she didn’t need to open before starting the review process. 

“What about a Boston Terrier?” Sebastian suggested, scrolling through the internet on his laptop across from her. 

Y/N wrinkled her nose. “They’re so cute but my sister-in-law has one and the smells that come of out of that thing’s butt — I’m gonna have to vote no on that one.”

He chuckled and ceded to her denial. As she started opening envelopes, he called out a few other breeds. 

“There’s not a whole lot of options for dogs that travel well and are good with toddlers and have puppies that will be ready by her birthday,” Sebastian said. “You may have to reconsider the retriever options. Oh, wait — miniature dachshund?”

“A little weenie dog?” Y/N giggled. She pictured Milena with the tiny little thing and nodded emphatically. “Yes, that's perfect!” 

While Sebastian did the necessary research and contacted a breeder, Y/N opened a particularly thick envelope and withdrew a stack of papers. They were obviously some kind of court papers, but the cover letter told her a personal letter would follow and she should open that first. 

Surely that wasn't something she would have thrown away. She searched frantically through the remaining envelopes, until she found one addressed to her in a neat, slanted handwriting. She looked to the return address and slapped a hand over her mouth in surprise. 

Irina Fruhauf. 

This must be what it’s like to see a ghost, she thought to herself as she tore into the letter. She spent the next ten minutes reading through Irina’s letter twice, then started in on the court documents. 

“Oh my …” She could hear Sebastian still in the other room on the phone with the breeder, but he was going to need to stop that conversation now. “Seb! Come in here!”

It took him a minute to get off the phone, and when he joined her in the kitchen, she handed him the letter first. His facial expression first was that of surprise, then further shock, and then the bittersweet feeling of reading the last communication of his beloved sister. 

“Is this real?” he asked, voice hoarse with tears.

Y/N pointed to the court documents. “I think it is. Maybe you should call Philip.”

Sebastian nodded, retrieving his phone again. “Yeah, I think I should.”

AllOfTheThings: @captain-s-rogers​ @star-spangled-man-with-a-plan​ @letsgetfuckingsuperwholocked​ @hurricanerin​ @horsesandbandsforlife​ @im-not-an-armrest-im-short​ @shynara51​ @sea040561​ @pinknerdpanda​ @xtina2191​ @jackryanplz​ @beakami​ @heartsaved​ @fullprunerebelstatesman​ @blackwidowismyhomegirl​ @averyrogers83​ @jennmurawski13​ @connie326​

IYJR: @elsatxx​ @tanelle83​ @amanda-teaches​ @etherealwaifgoddess​ @kmuir1​ @ntlmundy​ @jayankles​ @rebekahdawkins​ @denise1605​ @rhadigen​ @peace-love-hobbitness​ @itsallyscorner​ @mizzzpink​ @auspiciousharriet​ @the-murder-strut-murdered-me​ @learisa​ @tellmewhatyouwill​ @katherinereid​ @lokilokilokilokilokiloki​ @auriandthepussicats​ @tellmewhatyouwill​ @itsmycorneroftheinternet​ @andreagf956​ @voltage-my2dlove​

[welcometophu]

The Meaning of Home, Chapter 10

The Meaning of Home Chapter 10

Tags for all Welcome to PHU novels will be available at the PHU tag list on Pillowfort. This list is under construction as of Sept. 5, 2021.

[ Previous | First | Next ]

Despite the rocky start, Emory, Jaiden, and Alanna integrate with Conor and Emma as easily as breathing. By the time they are back at the hotel, far later than any of them should still be awake, they are fast friends. Conor carries Alanna, napping as a mouse, cradled in one hand as he emerges from the back seat of Lucy’s car, Emma just behind him. Emory jumps out of the front seat, singing loudly in chorus with Jaiden; Pawel wonders if they ever stopped.

Emma stops in front of Pawel and Leo, holding out her hand, palm up. “Key,” she says.

“Emory, Jaiden—grab your overnight bag. Leave the rest of your things in the trunk,” Lucy directs. She presses a button and the hatch of her blue car clicks unlocked.

“Behave,” Leo says, pressing the key card into Emma’s hands.

“Don’t run with a child in your hands!” Pawel calls out. Conor slows to a brisk walk, both hands cradled together to keep Alanna safe.

“They’ll be fine,” Lucy says as the children disappear into the hotel. “Are you sure you’re okay with having all of them here tonight?”

“It’s no problem,” Leo assures her. “The beds are big, and I don’t think any of them will have an issue with piling in together. If all else fails, I know that three of them are willing to sleep in their smaller forms. Jaiden tried to convince me they could ride back in our car, but they don’t make seatbelts for mice, so no.”

“I’ll be back in the morning, I promise.” Lucy closes the hatch that Emory left open. The back of her car is packed full with three small duffels and two large trash bags. “I’ll drive them to your place, and help you get them settled. You’ll need Alanna’s carseat, too. The other two are small, but have been insisting they’re too old for boosters. After we had a fight about it in the store, I didn’t pick up new ones for them. I’ll leave that to you.”

Leo stares at Lucy’s car, his mouth slightly open and moving. Pawel wonders if he’s counting seats in his own cars and coming up short. Pawel has a feeling that Colt and Leo will need a larger car sooner rather than later.

“Leo.” Lucy touches his arm. “I really appreciate this. I think it’s the right decision, and that the kids will fit in together, but if you can’t do it, you’ll need to let me know. Eight kids is a lot. Nevaeh is learning to drive, right? If you need to have another car available to help move this many kids around, I might be able to help you get something cheap.”

Pawel can’t stand the way Leo stands so stiffly, as if it’s all just hit him what he’s doing. Pawel edges closer, lining up their arms; he leans his shoulder against Leo’s until the air rushes out as Leo exhales.

“We’ll be fine,” Leo says, his voice tight. “Cap may be able to help me get a van from an auction. Maybe we should get them to form a sports team. Or a band. They all seem to like singing.”

Lucy chuckles softly. She grips Leo’s arm, drawing him forward until she can wrap her arms around him, hugging him until he relaxes. When Pawel just stands there, she grabs him, too, dragging him into a three-way hug. “Thank you both, and tell Colt I said thank you, too. And Pawel.” She frames his face in her hands as she pulls back. “Thank you for everything over the year. I’m glad my boys have someone to rely on. PHU was a good school a long time ago; I think it’s even better now.”

“Thanks.” Pawel’s not sure he can take credit for taking care of Rory and Thorne. He still feels like he should have protected everyone better. The last year was a chaotic mess and instead of stopping his students from getting into trouble, he ended up in the thick of it with them.

“I’ll be back with donuts for breakfast.” She draws away, waving as she goes. “Enjoy your night!”

Leo’s fingers at the base of Pawel’s spine are warm. He’s gotten used to it over the course of the afternoon and evening, as they moved from stage to stage, show to show until the finale at the main stage that ended only a half hour ago. It’s late, and Pawel resists the urge to lean into Leo’s touch and let Leo take his weight.

“I shouldn’t be this exhausted,” Pawel murmurs. “I’m an expert at surviving on little to no sleep.”

“Do it often enough and you need longer to recover each time,” Leo says sagely. “Come on. Let’s get in before they destroy the place.”

They won’t. Will they?

Pawel can hear them before they even reach the door. Five voices raised in song, shouting out the words with the creak of springs under their feet. He puts on a burst of speed to get to the door before Leo does, unlocking it and pushing it open quickly.

Five children fall onto the bed, arms and legs spread out. Eyes widen in pure innocence.

“They heard you on Mars,” Pawel says dryly. “Even these human ears. It’s almost midnight; maybe you should calm down before someone reports us for noise.”

“One more song.” Conor lies on his stomach, flipping through something on his tablet. “Here we go! Emma, you’re up!”

The sound is a little distant on the video, and cheering overwhelms the music briefly. Pawel recognizes those opening notes, from when Phoenix Rising played in the background while Thorne reached down to help Emma climb onto the stage. The cheering rises even louder; Pawel remembers her bowing as she grinned brightly.

In the present, Emma stands on the bed with her feet planted wide. Alanna clings to one ankle, looking up at her. Emma curls her hand around an imaginary microphone and swings her hair, braids flying. “Hello, Buffalo!” she calls out in time with Thorne’s words—this can’t be the first time they’ve reenacted this performance. “This is ‘September Cries’!”

The drums slow down, easing into a soulful undercurrent to the way that Rory’s guitar draws out the notes. Emory pushes their hands down so they can get to their feet, the bed wobbling beneath them. Emory leans in close to Emma, sharing the invisible mic as they both sink into the slow, sad ballad. Lying at their feet, Jaiden supplies the background chorus of “oooh” and “ahhh” at all the right moments.

Emma and Emory pass the words back and forth, taking turns between the verses until they join together at the end, singing out, “And it’ll all be over when September cries. You know I’ll still love you when September cries.” Emma holds the final note, leaning back dramatically until she cuts off.

She almost falls over when she bows, caught by Emory, who hauls her back to standing. Emma claps them on the back, laughing. “You are awesome,” Emma says.

“You, too,” Emory agrees, cheeks flushed a warm rose. “Today was fun.”

“Even if you stink.” Jaiden pushes a toe against Conor’s leg.

“Whatever,” Conor replies. He locks his tablet and slides off the bed so he can plug it in. “We’re done now, Dad.”

Leo has his phone to his ear and is turned away; Pawel can’t see his expression, but he suspects he’s smiling. “Get ready for bed,” Leo says, voice low. “Hey, Colt, yeah, we’re finally home. Want to meet the kids?”

“I’d love to.” Colt’s smiling on the small screen of the phone when Leo turns it around to show everyone. Colt lifts one hand. “Hi. I’m assuming the three I don’t know are our new kids, unless you picked up some spares while you were out.”

Alanna giggles, her thumb creeping into her mouth.

Conor points without looking. “That’s Emory—she/they. That’s Jaiden—he/him. That’s Alanna—she/her. They’re pretty cool even if Jaiden’s kind of an ass.”

“Language,” Pawel says, and Conor rolls his eyes in response.

“Whatever.” Conor falls back on the bed, tablet held above him.

Emory and Jaiden jump off the bed and come closer, peering into the phone. On the bed, Alanna lies down and is replaced by a rat, curled with her tail over her nose.

“Most of the household is asleep,” Colt says quietly. “Nevaeh’s up because she wanted to hear all about how the day went, but I had to send the rest to bed.”

“It’s late,” Emory agrees. Their hands are twisted behind them, wringing out of sight of the screen. “It was a pretty cool day. The bands were good. Emma’s got a really good voice. She sang with one of them.”

“You did?” Nevaeh’s suddenly there, pulling the phone out of Colt’s hands. “I am totally jealous, Emma! I want to go to the next festival. Can we go? Is there going to be another day that it’s near us?”

“This was the closest stop, and we’re here because Pawel invited us. Be nice to him and maybe he’ll introduce you to his rock star students,” Leo says. He tosses the sling bag at Emory, who almost fumbles catching it. “The CDs are Emma’s, but the shirts are all for Nevaeh. If you want to show her.”

As bonding techniques go, it’s not a bad idea. It’s certainly an icebreaker. Emma crawls to the edge of the bed to sit behind Emory and Jaiden, and they all talk over each other to describe the different bands to Nevaeh. Emory pulls out the signed t-shirts from Lot 42 and Phoenix Rising; Nevaeh’s squeal when she sees the signatures is piercingly loud.

Pawel moves away, rubbing at his temples. It’s late, and he’s not running on an overabundance of adrenaline anymore. His head is starting to ache, and each sound pokes at his brain. He sinks down on the edge of his bed, trying to ignore the way the kids are still going strong.

There are five kids. One might be a rat at the moment, but there are still five of them, and he can’t think they’ll all fit in one bed. Someone might need to crash with Leo.

Maybe Pawel should look and see if the bathtub seems comfortable. He could close the door and have a few minutes of peace.

Who is he even kidding? It’d only last until someone needed the bathroom to pee. The tub is really not an option for sleep.

The bed dips as Leo sits next to him. The mattress is soft enough that Leo slides into him, a hand on Pawel’s knee to steady himself.

Pawel is tired enough that he tilts towards Leo as well, eyes wanting to close but unable to do so with all the yelling.

“They are never going to sleep,” Pawel mutters. “We are going to be driving home with no sleep tomorrow.”

Leo squeezes Pawel’s knee. “I’ve been doing this a while, so I’ve got a few tricks up my sleeve. Don’t worry. We’ll be okay. We also don’t have to get on the road at the crack of dawn. It’s okay if we sleep in.”

Pawel hears the opening strains of ‘September Cries’ again; Conor has his tablet back in hand and is holding it up, showing the video to Nevaeh.

“You could just text it to her,” Colt says dryly. “Or wait until you get home to show her.”

“That is awesome. I am so fucking jealous,” Nevaeh grumbles.

“Language!” Emma and Conor chorus cheerfully.

Nevaeh’s grumble is louder. “I am pretty sure that this is one time where I can blow as many F bombs as I want without someone bitching at me.” She cuts off abruptly, the sigh heavy enough to shake the air even through the phone. “Fine. Fine. Go to bed, all you small people. It is way past your bedtime. You need to let Pawel and Papa rest.”

Conor shuts the video off and hooks his tablet up to charge again. Emma slides off the bed and offers the phone to Leo and Pawel, Colt’s face on the screen again. From the angle, it looks as if the phone is propped on the dining room table; Colt sits on one of the benches, one hand over his face.

Leo lightly touches the screen with a forefinger. “Hey,” he says softly.

Colt raises his other hand with one thumb up, as if responding to an unasked question.

Right, these two need a little privacy. Pawel can’t think they get a lot of chances for that.

He has a brief moment of insanity where he thinks that he could offer to take care of the house full of kids while Colt and Leo get a weekend away, but no. No. He’s not prepared for that at all.

Instead, he touches Leo’s back lightly. “Why don’t you walk outside and say goodnight,” Pawel offers, more of a command than a question. “I’ll wrangle these monkeys through getting ready for bed and actually getting as far as lights out.”

“Not monkeys,” Jaiden retorts.

Pawel is not going to argue semantics with shapeshifters.

Leo leans back for a moment, then pushes to his feet, his phone still cradled in one hand. “Pawel’s right,” he says firmly. “Get ready for bed. All of you. Figure out your sleeping arrangements and don’t crush Alanna along the way.” When Leo gestures, Conor carefully lifts the sleeping rat and moves her to a spot at the foot of the bed. “When we get back, lights will be out and conversations will be done. I want to hear snores and nothing else, so we can get some sleep.”

Emory jumps to their feet and claps their hands. “You heard him. Teeth brushing and bathroom breaks and pajamas now.” They lower their voice. “I’ve babysat. I can handle this.”

“No they can’t,” Jaiden says. “Emory’s a pushover.”

Emory shoves at Jaiden, and Jaiden shoves back. Pawel is about to get between them, but Leo has his wrist in a tight grip and pulls him towards the door. “They’ll sort it out,” Leo says. “I meant what I said. Get ready for bed, then lights out. You can talk for a little while, but you need to be asleep before we get back.”

“How long is that going to be?” Conor asks.

“Until we’re done talking.”

Conor snorts. “Dad can talk forever.”

“Bed,” Pawel says sharply, just in case Conor thinks he’s found a way around it. The kids might outnumber the adults now, but he’s damn well going to keep control here. As much as is possible, anyway.

“Bed,” Leo repeats, and from the phone, Colt echoes the sentiment.

The kids don’t get a chance to say anything else, as Leo pulls Pawel into the hallway and shuts the door behind them.

Leo touches his finger to his lips and stands quietly. The kids are quieter now, but Pawel can hear them moving around. Leo relaxes and says softly, “I hear the water running in the bathroom. I think they’re doing what we told them to.”

Colt’s head is still down. “Is this going to work? Are we getting in over our heads?”

Leo heads down the hall, and Pawel can’t really do anything other than follow. “I think we’ll be fine,” Leo says. “There might be some growing pains. There will definitely be a lot of chaos, but we’re used to that. I know Cap’ll give me time off if I need it, and if we really have to, we can invoke family leave. We are getting three new kids, after all. But I think we’re going to be fine. Has it been a bad weekend?”

Leo’s stride is longer than Pawel’s, and he’s far enough ahead that Pawel can no longer see Colt on the phone. But he can hear exhaustion in his voice. “Not that bad,” Colt says. “Fairly typical, really. Matt played a prank on Duke, and Duke retaliated. When Duke wanted to go out with his friends, I said no, and Duke’s been in his room sulking and refusing to let Matt game with him. Nevaeh wanted to go driving, so I took her and Jennie out for a little bit and she had a meltdown when parallel parking was hard. Nevaeh had the meltdown about parking; Jennie had a tantrum because I refused to stop at the coffee shop and get her an apple fritter. She said I should be glad because it was healthy since it had apples.”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there,” Leo says quietly.

Pawel slows his steps, not wanting to intrude. He’d hang back entirely, but Leo reaches the door and holds it open, waiting for him.

“I miss you.”

Leo looks down at the phone. “I miss you, too. Wish you were here.”

A soft laugh. “Me too.”

Leo touches the phone to end the call before glancing at Pawel. “Are you coming or not? If you’re worried, we’re just going to go sit on the car again. The kids are going to settle down better without us there, believe it or not. Half of it is performance, vying for attention.”

“I only have one. My experience with multiples is minimal,” Pawel admits. “At least at that age. Alan—that’s Conor’s best friend, or husband, depending on when you ask him—is over a lot, but more than two seems to get complicated.”

“It does.” The door bangs shut as Leo lets it go. Leo’s hand is at Pawel’s back again, guiding him towards where they left the car in the lot. “Sometimes they compete with each other. Sometimes they gang up on us. Sometimes they try to do both at the same time. But in the end, they’re just small people, so we treat them that way. Conor and Emma are good kids, and they were fine last night. I trust Lucy, so I figure Emory and Jaiden aren’t trouble, either. Plus, they’re older, even if Jaiden doesn’t want his sibling to babysit for him. They’ll be fine.” He glances at Pawel. “You sure you’re up for hosting Emma for a while? How’s Cap going to feel about that?”

Pawel snorts. “I get the feeling Dad likes you better than me these days. He’ll be fine with it. Besides, Emma doesn’t take up much more room than Conor on his own.” He climbs up on the hood when they reach the car, scooting over so Leo can sit beside him. There’s a chill in the air; Pawel doesn’t mind when Leo stays close, a line of warmth against his shoulder and hip.

“I’m worried,” Leo admits. He leans back against the windshield, his body tilting closer to Pawel’s. “We didn’t set out to be this. We took in a pair of kids who needed someone, even though the older one was born when Colt was in middle school. Jennie calls us Dad and Papa; Nevaeh switches between that and our names. We thought about adopting them, but then we just… got more kids. I can’t say no, Pawel.”

“Of course you can’t.” That seems obvious to Pawel. These kids need someone. Who could just push them away?

“Nevaeh’s a junior in high school. I know she’s looking at PHU as an option when she goes to college, because it’s not that far away, and because it’s welcoming to everyone,” Leo says quietly. “You’ll be back there by the time she’s a student. Do me a favor and keep an eye on her?”

Keep an eye on her.

Pawel tilts his head back, looking up at the dark sky. The moon is a sliver in the sky, just past new. While the parking lot is lit, they didn’t park under one of the lights, so the darkness seems to surround them. He half expects Chelsea to step out, but she doesn’t interrupt this moment.

He’s left sitting in the awkward stew of his own failings.

“You know I’m not a perfect influence on my students, right?” Pawel says quietly. “You got that out of the story I told you about the last year. I managed to take several of them through the Dreamscape into another world entirely. Brought two kids back with us. Found my dead ex-girlfriend who wasn’t so dead after all.”

“Did you lose any of them along the way?” Leo’s elbow pokes against Pawel’s arm. “You said you helped one out with anger management and Clan politics, which can’t be easy in a traditional Clan community. You obviously get along well enough with your rock stars, and their mother trusts you. Chelsea said there were some who cared enough about you to try to care for you, too. You sound human, Pawel, and you sound like you treat your students as if they’re human. That’s all we can do.”

“Would you think less of me if I said I think one of my students might be my best friend?” Pawel asks quietly. “She’s not a kid. She came in on a GI bill, and she’s about four years younger than me.”

“Best friend, or…?” The question lingers in Leo’s voice, hanging between them.

Pawel snorts, shaking his head. “God, no. Mac’s a friend. A good friend. She kicks my ass when I need it—sometimes literally. She coaches our taekwondo club. But I don’t think of her like that, and I’m damn sure she doesn’t want me to. She’s been to hell and back, before I ever knew her. GI bill, remember?”

“Mm.” Leo slides down on the hood of the car and Pawel goes with him, until they’re both lying down, staring up at the sky. They have to bend their knees to stay on the hood, and the windshield is a terrible pillow, but Pawel’s not moving after that.

It feels good. Weird, but good.

“You shouldn’t cut yourself off from your past,” Leo says quietly. “It almost sounds like you’re afraid to be friends with people, Pawel, if you think people are going to judge you.”

“She’s my student.”

“Are you in a position of power over her?” Leo counters. When Pawel shakes his head, Leo continues, “Then be friends with her. That’s fine. You’re not holding anything over her head, and she’s not holding anything over yours. You’re just two adults. And remember: you didn’t lose any of your kids last year. You seem to think like it was your fault, but it sounds like when they needed help, you stepped in and helped without judgement. You acted like an adult, Pawel.”

It doesn’t entirely change the fact that Pawel can still think of a half-dozen places where he probably mis-stepped, or should have made another decision, but it helps.

“When you go back, try to remember that you can stay friends with the people from your past, too,” Leo says. “Just because things didn’t work out—”

“We broke up because you left,” Pawel points out, cutting him off. “Colt and I broke up because we both left.”

“And strangely enough, we all came back.” Leo reaches out, hand brushing over Pawel’s where he holds them clasped against his chest. “We can still be friends, too.”

Pawel doesn’t move. 

Leo pulls away, the ghost of his touch lingering on Pawel’s skin. “Besides,” Leo adds, his tone sounding purposefully light. “It’s not like Emma and Conor are going to lose touch, right?”

“Right. Guess we’ll have to figure out some kind of visitation for them. I think Conor wants Emma to meet Alan in person someday.” Which reminds Pawel. “I’m going to look for Emma’s parents. Like the kids asked me to.”

He can hear the smile in Leo’s words. “See. You have to step right in and help. Try to remember that there are people who’ll help you, too, Pawel.”

It’s all a good thought, and Pawel does store it away. But the thing is, he doesn’t need help right now. Friends, sure, he can use more of those. And he did miss Leo. And Colt. Not that he’s going to tell them that. But he’s fine. He’s relaxing. He’s enjoying his summer. He’s trying to rest.

And he’s doing what he does best and looking into something strange about Talent.

He’s not the one who needs help.

[ Previous | First | Next ]

Want to support me? – Patreon | Ko-Fi | Reblog & Comment

[the-wintershade]

burning like hell | ruthless!connor

pairing: ruthless!connor x reader summary: you use everything he’s taught you, every trick in the book, but he never taught you how to have a heart. wc: 2.1k+ genre: angst, intensity, conflicted connor

Move. Push. Don’t stand still. In. Out. In. Out. 

Your body moved with a vigor beyond its own. Whatever force, whatever pull that has kept you alive till now, refused to let you die, its fist seizing the string that held your livelihood with a remorseless fury. You will not die today, not as long as you have breath in your body. It whispered its determination in your ear as the thunder of your feet echoed annoyingly off the walls.

Except it wasn’t a force, more like a living entity. The apparition raining down its ferocity without sparing a drop of repentance, without losing a second of sleep at night, because the truth was, it didn’t sleep. Sleep was a mortal flaw for all living things, but it was not alive, it was a force of nature and nature never slept.

The soundwaves of your foot falls jumping into your ears made a cacophony of sound, enough that you were certain multiple hunters would begin their ravenous prowl any minute. What you were able to do was a miracle. A heavenly granted action of mercy as it saw your anguish, your pain, your agony and it could no longer bear hearing your groans and screams throughout the night. 

You felt the same.

Breaking out of the cell was the easy part. Making it out of the fortress, on the other hand, would prove to be more challenging. It was a maze full of infinite proportions and mirages of every kind. 

You would forfeit any chance of retaining mental fortitude before escaping and afterward, you were unlikely to recognize the monstrosity staring back at you. Your own name would sound like a like a language you were forbidden to understand. 

But you kept running, sprinting, pushing. Hoping that your time and your desire to make it out alive would not dwindle as your body pumped liquid nitrous down your veins. It’s the only thing keeping you from collapsing, the only thing between life and something far grievous than death itself. 

The voice of fate rang through the alabaster walls but your feet refused to wait any longer. They’ve known patience as much as they’ve known the ground. They readily denied its name with fervor. “You’re not getting anywhere little bird.”

Like hell. “There’s nowhere you can hide from me — no matter how hard you run those pretty little feet through the halls.”

A scream pounded on the back of your throat. Shut up, shut up, shut up. 

Hope is a light brightest in the dark and you refused to let the howling gale burn this light out. It was what you were running for, what was keeping your livelihood alive. 

It was what gave you faith that prompted you to throw yourself over a banister and down a story to the floor below without so much as a whimper. 

Could the landing have been better, oh absolutely, but from the buzzing singing through your blood vessels didn’t let you dwell on your sloppy landing for too long. You had to move faster; you didn’t know when your storm of freedom would tear through the building and no force of any kind would keep you away from liberation. 

A deadly sound yanked your ear back to your surroundings - the cocking of a gun. They’re closing in and they’ll spare you no expense. 

Move. Push. Don’t stand still. In. Out. In. Out. Your breathing regulated itself as you slipped through another door as a piece of metal deflected off it. A metallic cling hurtled after you. 

These men are faster than you, stronger than you, and know more about the facility than you will be familiar with, but you will not under any circumstances let them get the better of you. 

The cadence of the words charging through your mind gave a steady beat to cling to, a tempo similar to the drum of your feet pounding down the stairs and through the exit door before the others could hope to pursue you.

You gave a sigh of relief, for waiting in front of you with a look of steel laced with a deadly poison was your force of nature, your hurricane, your tempest, here to save you, to deliver you from the evils of this institution. Of course, it was a scouting mission and you planned on getting captured, but the horrors of it all were far more critical than what you had ever dreamt it.

The candle of hope burned brightly, its renewed strength fueled by the man standing in front of you. 

The prowess with which he stood was enough to make you shiver and foster the desire to get as far away as possible but you knew this tiger had been tamed. No lion would harm you today. You were a dove soaring above the chaos of the world and he was the wolf, hungry, voracious, insatiable - conquering life and death. 

His obsidian-colored eyes scrutinized your appearance, his nose wrinkling at the sight of blood. The depth with which his eyes held was vastly infinite and in these boundless expanses, sympathy could not be salvaged. It was not feasible.

Out of breath and slightly dazed, you slurred out the phrase, “You’re here.”

With no inflection in his tone, he replied, “Where are they?”

Of course, his concern never surrounded you, didn’t pay attention to how many blood splatters reside on your grey jumpsuit, or how the bruises on your face marred your features, or how your wrists and arms were littered in cuts or how bloodshot and pallid your eyes and face were.

He never stopped to consider how human you were, as if the flaws you sustained could be revised and transfigured into something better, something superior, something elite.

Your face hardened like magma exposed to open air -- or in this case, the truth -- as you quickly recalled who you were speaking to. “Two minutes from opening that door.” You huffed around his figure, not pausing to see if his eyes trailed your movements. “I suggest we move.”

Your feet started down the hallway before he slipped out his gun and grasped your arm. “Stay behind me.” Orbs boring into yours, you were at the mercy of his will. His gaze kept you captive, held you prisoner -- although you weren’t sure if it was against your will. His hand left a trail of warmth down your exposed forearm as he moved you behind his fortress of strength. 

In a fury of chaos and destruction, he managed to shoot five officers with three bullets and a defining “crack”. He moved like a dancer jumps around the stage; with grace, poise, and determination. 

Easily sliding under his next opponent, his hand ripped their feet from under them, their heads smacking against the ground. A chop to the neck was enough to stun them and a bullet finished the job. 

You tried to help, landing a jab or two when you could, but you were no match. No of skill, confidence, or aptitude. You were fragile and weak, he was inhuman and strong. In all aspects, you didn’t even possess the faculty to outdo him, he would always outdo you. 

Watching the smooth precision of which his strikes were completed, it was no wonder he came back unscathed. He would never waste more energy than what was required and if he could take people down with a throat punch and a slamming hit to the head, then that’s what he would do. 

Another five fell within exactly 20 blinks of your eye. 

The fluidity of battle was similar to watching a ballerina pirouette — stunning and fast. He moved liked lightning and walked like thunder. He was every part of the storm, the wind, the rain, and the danger. He was a force of nature and nature never slept. 

A click caught your attention. Looking towards it, you spotted a shooter, his gun level with Conor’s forehead. Planting your foot you ran. You swung. Your fist connected. A groan racked through the man. He caught your second swing. He turned you around. His gun was now pressed in your temple. His hand clamped around both your wrists which fit comfortable between his big warm paws. 

“Move and she dies.” Your captor yelled over the noise of another body falling. Why couldn’t you listen to Connor? Why did you have to care so much? Why did you try to help? The overwhelming desire to keep him as far from death as possible overrode every logical idea you’ve had.

It would be your downfall. 

The wolf paused, chest heaving, keeping his firearm aimed at a fatal artery near the neck. “What makes you believe I care if she lives or dies?” The monotone pitch of his voice was like a slap to the face. His gun moved slightly, aiming for the shoulder. Your heart fell to the floor. Connor, your lips uttered but no sound came out. Connor. 

“You’ve torn through ten of my best soldiers in three minutes, I have a feeling you’d like her still breathing.” His grip on your hair tightened but you refused any sign of discomfort to rule your features. Instead, you locked your jaw, setting your teeth in place. 

You knew better than to test the wolf but he didn’t. Something moved in those voids that we called eyes, rage, fury, and something warm, something touching, something that could only be considered a weakness. 

Another flaw and another chance of failing a mission, another thing Connor and the division drilled into you. Connor deviated from the normal operating procedure, something you’ve never seen him do. 

What’s wrong with him?

His eyes flickered to you before moving to the man's shoulder, his fingers curling around the trigger, flirting with the bullet in the chamber. A breath echoed through the room as you watched his eyes darken, slant, and move into focus. 

“You’ve got five seconds to drop the gun. 5...4-”

Hot, sticky blood flew over the sides of your face and your arm as you collapsed to the ground with your now dead captor. Being pulled upright, Conor wrenched you off the ground. “I told you to stay behind me.” He muttered through clenched teeth.

“He was going to shoot you. Do you think I would have let you die?” You fired back, annoyed at his tone. 

He didn’t answer. 

The walls flew by as he dragged you along, roughly guiding you through the labyrinth of corridors and hallways that were beyond you in every sense. Not letting you have an opportunity to cry or freak out or numb yourself, you were already outside, waiting for your pick up. “Connor.”

The wolf was on the hunt and would not answer to his name, only determined on getting you to your safehouse. His eyes scoured the road for a black SUV. “Connor.”

“Connor.” His black eyes snapped to yours with irritation. You pushed anyway, trying to see a hint of, a fleck, a speck of remorse, of humanity. “You could have talked him down, why kill him?”

“He was going to kill you.” His answer was curt and final like his decisions. No room for argument or debate, unless you made some.

“And?”

He inhaled sharply and stepped noticeably closer, the front of your shoes almost touching. “Do you want to die?” His eyes were ablaze, the first indication that he felt anything, until now, you weren’t sure. “He would have killed you. Blood pouring out of you freely, no breath filling your lungs, no --” He took a breath looking away.

“It was you or him.” His voice as hard as steel.

You craned your neck, trying to get his attention. Finally, you put your hand on his sharp jaw, feeling the bone curve into the soft skin of your hand. Visibly startled, he locked his sights on you. “Why?” The words fell almost silently off your lips.

Stepping closer, his sights moved to your slightly parted lips and your warm, loving eyes and how you were open and vulnerable and -- he leaned down, his bottom lip centimeters from touching yours. It was if the universe conspired with you in this moment, making room for something that it knew was there, only waiting for it to be unleashed.

Suddenly, he jumped away, “No. No.” He whispered, eyes drawn to a close. He refused to unfasten the locks preventing from them from opening, preventing them from gazing back at you.

“Why? Did I do something wrong?” You rushed, but it was too late, the car pulled around the corner and Connor was already walking away, shoulders bent, head down and body language dejected. 

There was no goodbye, no phrase of gratitude, no knight and shining armor speech given. Just a whisper of the future and a reminder of the past. As the door shut behind you, you sat there numb, paralyzed, frozen.

Fate did not play your hand and as you drove further away, the candle of hope sputtered before it died completely — never to come back to life.

[raviliuz]

"Karaoke night" Flintwood

Marcus grabbed the microphone with a sigh.

He cannot sing and wasn't even the karaoke type of guy but Oliver pleased him and make cute eyes and whispered: "please, for meeeee?". So how could he deny? Flint cannot be mad at his boyfriend even when Oliver sent him mean smirk right after Marcus had agreed to sing.

Flint whispered to DJ the number of song he wanted to sing and turned the mic on.

"I crashed my car the other day. Too busy thinking 'bout your face" Marcus started singing.

He was staring straight at Oliver, who started getting red because of blush.

Flint's voice wasn't the prettiest, he can't sing but he also didn't falsify.

"Even though I just saw you yesterday".

Oliver started dreaming, still smiling shyly to his boyfriend on the stage.

When they both had ended Hogwart, things had become much easier for them. They could go to date anytime they want to, spend all the time together and sleep together (in both ways).

Now, he wouldn't imagine living like in Hogwart.

"Yeah, it's a hazard to my health. I don't do nothin' for myself." Marcus continued singing and quickly looked around all people in the bar. After he saw them smiling, he became more confident.

"You made me turn up late for work again, oh yeah".

Oliver smirked. He couldn't count how many times Marcus was late because of him. His boss must really hate Oliver.

"I'm talkin' 'bout, talkin' 'bout, talkin' 'bout. Talkin' 'bout you yeah" Flint mumbled and dashed off the stage, didn't stop singing "To all of my, all of my".

He sat on the stairs and continued with a little smile.

"All of my friends at the room, yeah".

That one was really true, for both Oliver and Marcus. It's just a blessing that Adrian, Terence, Graham or from Wood's side Angelina or Percy didn't ever show bothered because of their talking about each other.

Percy Weasley had never talked to Flint before he and Oliver started dating but he'd know too much about him. Just from Oliver, whom he had listened like a good friend. Which he is, of course.

The thing that got Oliver back to the real world from his thoughts, were Marcus, sitting next to him and grabbing his hand.

"Oh, I hate how much I love you. And I hate how much I care" he sang quietly.

At that moment, there were only two of them. No DJ, no people in the bar or their friends.

Most people wouldn't seem words like these as a romantic but Oliver did.

He knew how hard it was for Marcus to show his emotions, talk about all that relationship stuff and just admit he cares.

For Oliver, it was the most romantic thing in the whole world.

"I spend all of my money and all my time" his sing became more like whispering now "'Cause I hate our love, I do".

The words: "I hate how much I love you" were drowned out by Oliver's lips, smashing Marcus' ones.

There was nothing but them.

Happy Thanksgiving! ❤️

[itsmonkeypajamas]

Dear Bethany

It should come as no surprise I don’t own anything. Anyway, this idea came into my head as I was watching the episode, so I finally took 30 minutes and wrote it down. It’s incredible rough and it’s the first thing I’ve written in like a year, but whatever. 

The basic idea is that Jane told Kurt to write a letter to Bethany on her birthday, since he couldn’t be there.

Bethany,

                Happy Birthday!... You’re 4 now! I’m sorry I couldn’t be there …. I hope you had a great. I know you were feeling a little bit sick on your birthday, but I bet Mommy and Conor took great care of you.

                I miss you so much, Bethany.  I bet your hair is so long now. I can’t believe how blonde it was. Your Aunt Sarah has blonde hair just like you, did you know that? I know you haven’t seen her in a while, but you would like her.

                Oh Bethany, all I want to do is hold you, read stories, go to the playground, sing silly songs. I would even let you paint my nails like you wanted to last time. I miss you so much. I know you don’t remember, but when you were a baby, me and Jane lived in Colorado, just a little bit away from you and Mommy. We got to see you every day. You were so little. I would rock you to sleep, and then your smile when you woke up and saw…

                You are such a brave little girl, you know that. So smart also. All daddies think that about their daughters, but I know I have the smartest, bravest little girl in all the world. It’s hard to understand, but right now, Mommy, Conor, Jane and I are just trying to help other people. You know how we always tell you to be nice and kind to your friends at school? That’s what we are doing. Sometimes it’s hard, but you always have to do the right thing, okay Bethany. Just remember that. Even when it’s scary.

                I love you my sweet girl. I can’t wait to see you again.

                Daddy

[staytiny-angel]

War of Hearts

Chapter One

Rating: Mature

Main Pairing: Seth Rollins/Becky Lynch

Co-written with @riottbliss

Summary: Seth Rollins was once known as the Bad Boy Prince of MMA, now years after a career ending knee injury he's stepping into.the Octagon again not as a competitor but as his little sister's coach. Unfortunately for him the redhead across the cage from he and Paige is not only woman he'd just had a one night stand with but the younger sister and protege of the Finn Balor...the man that ended Seth's career.

Warnings: MMA style violence, Alcoholism, Implied Self-Harm (DM for details), Depression, Angst with a Happy Ending

Hunter Hearst Helmsley, or professionally known by Triple-H sighed with embarrassment, reading tweet after tweet from his youngest son Seth Rollins.

"What happened to him?" His best friend and practically brother Shawn Michaels asked, looking over his shoulder.

"Cody took him out of the press conference, Seth's hungover, blaming everyone but himself"

Shawn shook his head, "Kid is letting the hype go to his brain. He's all over TMZ, The Bad Boy Prince of MMA is what they call him"

"Seth is the best fighter in the world in his division. He's earned the cockiness but his lifestyle…." Hunter shook his head

Shawn made a disgusted sound. "Kid reminds me of me before I got my act together"

"Fatherhood is what made you get your act together. That won't work for Seth" Hunter clicked on a video of his drunken son yelling into a camera about Finn Balor that had gone viral last week.

"He talks so much shit about Balor being a low rent MacGregor, hell Seth acts more like Conor then Finn does."

Hunter sighed "He's turned this into a complete mess, I wouldn't be surprised if his team drops him."

"Hey, Dusty loved that kid, Dustin and Cody wouldn't release him until he stopped making them money"

Hunter nodded but looked nonetheless unthrilled.

"He keeps making excuses about everything. I'm this close to calling Steph"

Shawn nodded with agreement as the two entered Seth's penthouse, greeting a tired looking Cody Rhodes. "I can't do this anymore Hunter" he said in place of a normal greeting.

"You are not dropping him" Hunter said matter of factly.

"AEF is supposed to be for fighters that respect the sport, he fucks around and doesn't even show up to the gym" Cody said.

Hunter ignored him and went upstairs to where he could hear his youngest groaning in misery.

Hunter sighed as Seth looked up from the toilet he was practically hugging. "I'm twenty five, perfectly legal" he muttered, Hunter's gaze looking at the black and gold championship that laid discarded.

"While ago you would have treated that with respect" He said, Seth rolling his eyes. "Would you rather me puke on it? It's just a fucking belt' "

"Don't let anyone hear you say that" Hunter said lowly. "You're going to the weigh in today even if I have to drag you by your hair there myself"

"No the fuck I'm not, don't you see me dyin' here?" Seth whined "I'm going to fucking sleep"

"What the fuck happened to you?!" Hunter yells "Every since your Uncle Shane became your manager this is what you've turned into."

Seth looked unfazed. "Don't get angry because I'm better than you ever were" and shoved his father out of his way, flipping off Cody, and ignoring Shawn.

"What am I going to do with him?" Hunter sighed, exhausted.

"Knock his ass out?" Shawn suggested. "I'll take care of him" Cody rolled his eyes. "Britt and I will make sure he gets to the weigh in. I just need painkillers and food"

"I'm gonna go talk to Shane, I want to know what kind of garbage he's been filling my kid's head with" Hunter mutters

"I told you listening to Vince was a mistake." Shawn replies shaking his head "All of you let Vince snow you into thinking it was embarrassing that his mother managed him"

Hunter sighed. "I don't know what to do. I don't want to drag Steph back, Shane has a tight grip on him"

"Worry about that fuckface later" Shawn said. "Seth needs you, not him" Hunter nodded firmly, making his way downstairs to see Seth passed out on his couch, his dog Kevin and cat Daryl laying on him.

"This was our compromise" Cody explained. "I let him take a nap, he goes to the weigh in later"

"He isn't going to beat Balor in this condition. He doesn't spar anymore and his knee has been inflamed for weeks" Britt says quietly

"He shouldn't even be fighting. We told Shane but he says there's too much money at stake for Seth to pull out"

"Money money money"' Shawn mocked. "All he cares about is fucking printed paper"

Hunter ignored them and instead chose to brush back some of Seth's hair, his son unconsiously responding to it. "What did I do wrong raising him?" he asked. Hunter rolls his eyes at the look his older brother gave him "The truth" he says quietly

"No offense bro, but this family is a whole fucking lot to live up to and you weren't exactly shy about your expectations once Seth showed an aptitude for the sport. None of us were. I have to even ask myself, when was the last time any of us actually had a conversation with the kid that wasn't about fighting?"

"He's cracking underneath the pressure" Cody chimes in

"Yeah, he is and now Shane is filling his head with all these ideas about the image he should project" Shawn continues "Quiet guys who, play with their dogs and write poetry when their not in the Octagon don't sell tickets, but Bad Boys sure the fuck do."

*Later*

Seth scowled at his phone as Britt ushered him into the arena the weigh was taking place in. "I'm assuming you told the press he was gonna bail?" Cody growled at Shane who held his hands up. "They were gonna find out sooner or later" "Yeah yeah, no press is bad press" Seth said.

"Except the press says you're an asshole" Cody deadpanned. "Don't do anything stupid up there, or Mark is going to have a stroke" Seth didn't respond, instead heading up the stairs to the stage, where Balor had clearly made weight, despite being skinny. Seth took off his shirt per usual, standing on the scale.

"197 pounds" The announcer said, Seth smirking at Balor. The Irish man looked unfazed and rolled his eyes. Seth, in a act of annoyance, promptly flipped him off, hearing everyone in the crowd either laugh or groan

-Backstage -

"Gonna be fun beating your ass Balor, I promise not to hurt you too badly," Seth says cockily, slouching in a chair and putting his sunglasses back on.

"Oh, Rolly its almost time to give up your precious" Finn responds, "Clock is ticking boyo and your time is almost up"

"Mon roi, nous devons-oh shit" a pake woman walked up, speaking rapid French and stopping in her place when she saw Seth.

"Hey Seth" she said coldly.

"Vi" Seth responded, his attitude gone.

"He your king now?" "Surprised you even remember any French, from what I read, you've drank yourself through everything"

"It's what happens when you give your heart to someone and get it ripped in half, I wasn't enough for you, that's what you said right? I wasn't straight enough for you?! So you threw my ring in my face and left" Seth yelled "Cause Bisexual people, we're all cheaters didn't you know?"

At least according to Violet Gillath, wait I'm sorry Violet Balor now isn't it?."

"Stop it" Finn growled. "Before I knock your ass out now"

"Try it bitch" Seth snarled back.

Violet got between them and shoved Seth back. "Chaton, stop" she hissed.

Seth stumbled upon hearing his old nickname. "Why?" he choked out. "What did I do?"

Seth shook his head as if to shake his thoughts into place "Why Violet? Why did you leave me? You...you fucking broke me" he said in a small voice "I have the right to know why, just tell me. Why would you do that after everything. I was going to quit fighting for you because you didn't like seeing what it was turning me into. You get up on stage and you still sing my songs, but you said you hated me. I just wanna know."

Violet crossed her arms and closed her eyes. "I didn't want to be with you. You never signed anything so legally those songs are mine. I said what I meant, you weren't enough"

Seth looked like she had rebroken his heart.

Thankfully Britt walked in. "Hey, we gotta go"

Seth grabbed his title and held it to Finn. "This is mine. You can keep that bitch but you will never get this"

-Backstage-

"I've never known you to be biphobic, wanna explain to me why Rollins is convinced you are?" Finn said sitting down in his locker room with his wife a few minutes later.

"His uncle...manager, that bastard Shane got me my record deal in exchange for breaking Seth's heart" Violet told her husband "Seth hates fighting, he was going to quit and go on the road with me. He can't sing a note but he writes and plays guitar. We were going to be a duo. Shane was watching his cash cow walk out the door. So he threatened me and made an offer. Seth was the sweetest thing and he loved me and I broke his heart and let Shane turn him into that"

"If I could go back in time and slap him across the face I would but I can't" Violet said brokenly. "Shane has made it perfectly clear that if I ever tell him that he would ruin both our careers"

Finn hugged her to him. "I'm still gonna kick his ass" Violet slapped his arm. "Please try not to" Finn shrugged. "I'm undefeated"

"You know Seth is too. And the thing with being undefeated is that there's only one way down, being kicked off the mountain"

-Next Day-

Seth was throwing up again having had drank himself to sleep following his encounter with his ex.

Cody looked extremely tired and Britt concerned. "You have to fight in an hour!" Cody yelled out

"I don't fucking care." Seth yelled back "I don't even want to fucking fight." He muttered to himself, as he rubbed at his knee. "Come on fucking give already." He whispered to the inflamed appendage.

He knew what he was doing was dangerous but it was his only way out. If his knee would just give up the fucking ghost, he could quit this bullshit once and for all.

"Your sisters are out there tonight" Britt said, walking in, holding a brace.

"I really don't care" Seth growled, letting Britt put his knee in it.

"And your mom' Britt added. Seth took a breath when Britt touched his knee.

"Holy shit, it feels like its burning"

We're letting you go after tonight" Cody said angrily. "I don't care if you win or not, you've ruined All Elite Fighting's reputation"

"I don't care, I never wanted to be in your shitty gym anyway" Seth shrugged. "I'm going to get changed"

[calumcest]

you can tell a lot about someone by the type of music they listen to 🎵🎶

rules: hit shuffle on your media player and write down the first 20 songs, then tag 10 people. no skipping!

ta @clumsyclifford for tagging me despite knowing what shambles my music taste is honestly a brave woman <3 also before i start this off i want to say this playlist is 15 hours long and only has like 40 britpop songs on it so just in case spotify keeps spitting britpop out at me i want to put a disclaimer here

all i need - radiohead. this is a BANGER god maybe i would die for thom yorke...maybe i would 

tomorrow’s money - my chemical romance. okay i know lots of people dont vibe w this song but it was actually my favourite mcr song for a while i think it SLAPS i love the ‘i stopped bleeding three years ago while you keep screaming for revolution’ bit 

backseat serenade - all time low. i stand by this being one of their best songs simply for the ‘aren’t you sick of sleeping alone’ and the final ‘oh god i’m sick of sleeping alone’

song 2 - blur. i wont apologise for this its a fucking ANTHEM and that aside ‘i’m never sure why i need you’ is one of my favourite lyrics 

lost in reality - 5sos. okay this is literally one of my top 3 5sos songs it fucking goes off so hard i dont care what anyone else says and yes the lyrics are shocking but its no just saying this song is almost on par w babylon and lwh for me 

slide away - oasis. now this song slaps i have to say i love the way its played on definitely maybe very dirty and raw but noel did an acoustic version of it and i think i prefer that one although i prefer liams voice on it @ liam odds on a cheeky slide away acoustic? 

take on me - a-ha. this song goes off theres nowt better to dance around the kitchen to w your housemates while you try to make a lasagne but forget the pasta layers and just end up doing bolognese-bechamel-bolognese-bechamel for like 4 layers 

the carpal tunnel of love - fall out boy. i think i have almost the entirety of infinity on here bc its genuinely such a banging album top to bottom 

durch den monsun - tokio hotel. HAAAAAA okay this song fucking goes off thats all i’ll say about it everything tokio hotel released up to humanoid was wall to wall bangers 

that’s the truth - mcfly. the verses of this leave much to be desired but thats made up for by what a SEXY chorus it has danny jones you have my whole heart

rockafeller skank - fatboy slim. i will not apologise for this one it fucking goes off its on an advert right now and me and my housemates would sit watching the chase and scream this out when it came on during the ad breaks good memories 

the boy who could fly - pierce the veil. i cant lie to you selfish machines is a fucking class album i always dither between that and cwts for best album but i think sm edges cwts out a little for me anyway ptv havent done anything worth listening to since 2012

the good the bad and the dirty - panic!. again doab...solid fucking album only edged out from the top spot by how fucking brilliant v&v is nearly witches...tune of the century 

canals - all time low. this is one of the best songs off dp and its annoying that they only put it on dpiln but its fine because we got it and also they released dp on my birthday so i have to forgive them for anything they do 

dani california - rhcp. WHAT A SONGGGG i’m not really big on rhcp generally but they have some absolute fucking TUNES and this is one of them you tryna tell me youre not gonna scream out BLACK BANDANA SWEET LOUISIANA 

karma police - radiohead. goddd this song...is a tune and a fucking half i remember when i saw rh it was the last song they played and the entire bus back to where we needed to go people were singing it on the bus and it was just lovely

playing with fire - ndubz. okay listen...i’ve been on a bit of a kick w this song its actually a fucking banger except in the chorus where it goes yes you did it (eh) the eh just sounds like he’s doing finger guns yk. i cant explain it but it really does

vegas girl - conor maynard. GODDD okay i wont actually take criticism on this one i know its conor maynard but its a fucking BANGER it sucks but it slaps 

unorthodox - wretch 32 (ft. example). i forgot this song existed until like 2 weeks ago and ive been listening to it loads bc its fucking brilliant although it gives me slight rizzle kicks vibes 

if we shadows (demo) - oasis. only right that we end on oasis maybe spotify is respecting me today...i fucking love this song except the bit where he says me and my brother with the fucking biggest plosive ive ever heard anyway this is just lovely i love noel’s voice i really do and i love him doing acoustic things very pretty...

god i think literally everyone has been tagged at this point so i’m just going to tag people even if you’ve already been tagged you’re getting tagged again @calumsclifford @kaleidoscopeminds and @pxrxmoore 

[violetwolfraven]

Do a spirit animals fanfic(headcanons? One-shots?) Of just Rollan and Tarik having a father son relationship

Oh god THANK YOU for this. I didn’t have any thoughts about this before, but I sure do now!

(TBH I haven’t read these books in a while. Some of this might line up with the canon and some might not. It’s just how I see it.)

Rollan’s dad was never around. He’s literally never had a good male role model in his life. (Pretty sure this is canon.)

He has no idea what to think of Tarik at first because he’s just??? So nice??? But he’s also a badass warrior???

He doesn’t really trust him until Essix starts lending him her powers. He’s still confused about why Tarik is genuinely nice to him for no reason though.

So once Rollan actually starts trusting Tarik he starts to realize that he’s is kind of who he wants to be when he grows up.

Maybe not the Greencloak part but he wants to be strong and kind like him because in his experience on the streets, a person can only be one of them.

In his early days, Tarik didn’t sleep much at all because otters are largely nocturnal and humans are not. When he gets older, he figures out a compromise with Lumeo to wake up really really early to catch a couple hours of darkness.

And Rollan wakes up at the asscrack of dawn because that’s what Essix does.

Abeke and Conor just stay up late with Uraza and Briggan and Meilin has started enjoying sleeping in more than she likes to admit since she got Jhi.

So Rollan and Tarik end up being the only ones awake right as the sun starts coming up.

So they talk. A lot. Tarik tells Rollan about his brothers and Rollan tells Tarik about his friends from his old boy gang.

Sometimes Rollan ends up talking to Tarik about how hard it was, living on the streets as a kid.

Tarik was from a poor family with a lot of kids so he kind of gets it and tries to help Rollan deal with things as best he can.

Rollan rants to Tarik about Meilin a lot.

Tarik is the first one to figure out Rollan had a crush on her and starts subtly trying to figure out if she likes him back.

Once he figured out she did, he started shipping reilin harder than anyone except maybe Abeke, who called it within a few hours of meeting them both. Conor, naturally, was oblivious.

Not that it’s relevant or anything but Abeke and Tarik started working together to try to get the two of them to admit their feelings for each other.

One time Rollan has a nightmare a couple hours before he would normally wake up and Tarik is up so he notices him breathing heavily and moving around in his sleep.

He’s worried so he wakes him up and when Tarik’s just holding him until he stops crying it’s that moment that Tarik realizes that he thinks of Rollan as a son.

One time they have to go undercover to get supplies from a village on their way from Zhong to Artica and since Meilin is still grieving and Rollan is the only other one who could maybe pass for being related to Tarik it’s just the two of them.

Rollan finds the whole thing hilarious and keeps calling Tarik ‘Dad’ at every opportunity.

Tarik kind of feels awkward about it cause he still doesn’t know why he thinks of this kid as his kid.

Then a vendor questions Rollan because he doesn’t look like he’s from around there and Tarik just whips around and goes “Excuse me are you disrespecting MY SON?” Rollan gets the biggest smirk on his face.

From then on Rollan just calls Tarik ‘Dad’ randomly throughout missions.

Skipping some time, after Meilin is forced to betray them, Rollan is inconsolable for days. He doesn’t eat or sleep for a long time until Tarik makes him.

Even once he actually gets to sleep, Rollan has nightmares and when he wakes up, Tarik will just get up with him and find ways to calm him down, whether it’s pointing out constellations or telling stories from when he was a kid.

One time after an especially bad one he sings a lullaby his mom used to sing to him. Once he’s fully awake, Rollan never lets him live that down.

Not long before they go to find Cabaro, Tarik gets a message from Lenori that she had a vision and he needs to be careful.

She says that her vision might not mean anything as serious as death. It was just some brown hairs in blood and wind blowing a piece of green fabric from the blood onto a feather.

Tarik knows he’s going to die protecting Rollan when even Lenori doesn’t want to admit what she saw.

He still doesn’t want to freak out the kids, though, so he tries to make everything seem normal.

After everything, Rollan finds a letter for him in a secret pocket of Tarik’s cloak.

“Dear Rollan. If you’re reading this, Lenori was right. She sent word that she had a vision that I would die protecting you. She didn’t want to admit it, but I knew how it was meant to be interpreted. I didn’t want to tell you in case I was wrong. But you should know that it’s okay. I’d rather it be me than you any day and I don’t want you blaming yourself. I know you’ll be sad for a while and that’s okay, too. I know you’ll miss me and I’ll miss you, too. I’ll miss talking to you before the sun comes up. If you ever need to talk, you should go to Meilin. I know you love her. Whether she’ll admit it or not, she loves you, too. I have not a single doubt that you will get her back.

You should know that for a long time now, I’ve thought of you as the son I never got to have. I cared for the others, too, but you were always different. The others had parents to go back to, or at least a parent. You didn’t. You were my kid. At least, that’s how I thought of it. Finding your mother didn’t change how much I wanted to protect you.

You don’t have to be a Greencloak if you don’t want to. I just want you to be happy. I love you, Tarik.”

Years later, Rollan gets an otter tattoo on his forearm.

[sunflowrhaz]

RULES: answer 21 questions and tag 21 people!

hi! i was tagged by @pridesobright (thank you 😊)

nicknames: lozz, lozza, lozzy

zodiac sign: sagittarius sun, capricorn moon, libra rising

height: 5′7

hogwarts house: gryffindor!! (and thunderbird for my ilvermorny house if you're a harry potter nerd like me)

last thing i googled: louis tomlinson piggyback on google images (don’t ask me why but you should google it he is so cute)

favourite musicians: harry styles, brendon urie, conor oberst, coldplay, RHCP, cody simpson (way too many to name)

song stuck in my head: kiss you - one direction (been blasting take me home all day ahah)

following: 412

followers: 533

do you get asks?: nope rarely 

amount of sleep: at least 8 hours

lucky number: 4

what are you wearing: white crop top and denim shorts

dream job: living out in the middle of nowhere growing fruit and veg without any responsibilities or own my own business (i don’t know what i wanna do rip)

dream trip: norway! i really really want to go to norway! and to see all of europe (but i’m broke so lol)

instruments you play: none i wish :(

languages you speak: english and currently learning norwegian 

favourite song: people have just one? i literally can’t pick. my fave album is ‘i’m wide awake, it’s morning’ by bright eyes though

cats or dogs: dogs all day everyday

random fact: my elbows are double jointed, i used to sleep with my eyes open as a kid which is pretty weird

aesthetic: quiet early mornings, soft breeze, rustling trees, cicadas, wildflowers, water flowing through your hair, laying with someone listening to an album start to finish, books, singing out loud in the car, laughter, daydreaming, lapping waves

i tag: @spacelouis @wallstermelon @nightflowerhes @peterpanlouie @egotharrystyles @heyangel @peachkiwi @fancyharry @missyouhs @liamslarents @harryslaurels @queenbeeharry @threenails @parislarry @sunshine-lou @louisandharold @greenandbluehell @stylesjpeg @medicinehoney @ot5lesbianrights @lilspoonhaz @ghostielouis