#Do you get food poisoning from bread?

[giantkillerjack]

ur post about queerbaiting and the dismissal of people in fandom to critical analysis is so incredibly true thank you. i feel like marcille's writing in the anime has been super misogynistic a lot of the time and every time i bring this up all anyone wants to say is "well maybe this isn't for you! and you shouldn't watch the show!" like. i don't think this is about taste lmao, i am analyzing the text in front of me and coming to conclusions about the craft of it.

[This is in reference to this post]

YES!!! THANK YOU!!!!!

It is so so frustrating!!!!

It's like being at a restaurant and being served a bunch of delicious appetizers, but then one of the bread appetizers is literally just a plate of crumbs; and then when you're like, "Hey, uhh, why are we being served literal crumbs?", a bunch of the other folks eating at the restaurant are like,

"WELL HOW ABOUT YOU JUST DON'T EAT HERE THEN??!? YOU MUST NOT BE THAT HUNGRY, SO JUST FIND ANOTHER RESTAURANT AND DON'T EAT WITH US!!"

And maybe they say it politely, but "Aw, sorry, maybe this restaurant just isn't for you 💖" is just trading out an aggressive dismissive tone for a patronizing dismissive tone. It's the same message.

And it's like! I was honestly happy to move on from the crumbs once my complaint was acknowledged because the meal overall is still delicious, but then all these folks got SUPER WEIRD AND DEFENSIVE ABOUT IT, so now I find myself double-checking all the other dishes -- and, actually, you know what those eggs DO look a Iittle misogynistic undercooked!!!!

[lonelypep]

every smash bros character ranked by how good of a cook i think they’d be.

82: piranha plant

eating this dish will kill you instantly. turns out he spit some poison in there while no one was looking. and yeah, that sucks, but if you even accepted a meal from this guy i think you have bigger problems

81: ridley.

let’s be real, if you let this guy into the kitchen, you made a huge mistake. it’s like john mulaney’s horse in a hospital sketch: you never know what he’s gonna do next. you’re too focused on getting him out.

80: king k rool.

king k rool is many things. a king, a pirate, a scientist. but he is not a cook. he’ll try, but he has literally no clue what he’s even doing in the kitchen.

79: yoshi

yoshi will give you a dish and you’ll be like “what the fuck is this” and he’ll talk about how it was made from the finest newborns of his home planet. i’m deciding to ignore it but it’s really nagging at me.

78: sonic

sonic shouldn’t be on this list. because he wouldn’t make you any food. he’ll go to the local sonic and get a burger in about 3 minutes. it sucks. disqualified.

77: pac man

what can i say. it tastes like literal plastic. i don’t even wanna know how he made it. i’ll give it back to him but the nice thing about pac man is he wouldn’t give a shit.

76: bowser jr.

fuck this guy. he rage quit at making a grilled cheese. now there’s a literal canonball in the stove. now no one else can use it!! this is what happens when you spoil kids.

75: pikachu/pichu

these two are in the same category since they’d make the same thing. they’d get store bought french fries and fry them with lighting outside. it’s consistent, it works, just not really filling. and they don’t know how to make anything else.

74. wario

don’t get me wrong: he knows what he’s doing. he’s the burger king of smash. he’s this low because the burger is the most unhealthy shit you’ll ever have. eating it gave you chronic diarrhea, gastrointestinal issues, and permanently damaged your taste buds. but god fucking damn was it a good burger.

73. hero

he gave you a single piece of bread with butter on it. it’s not bad but…really dude?

72: olimar

he didn’t make you a bad meal, in fact it was one of the best here. but that’s because he didn’t make you something. it was the pikmin and he’s trying to pass it off as his own and the pikmin don’t know because they don’t speak english. 0/10: not fucking cool dude.

71: kazuya

honestly? i don’t trust this guy. i was too intimidated to even ask his name. from what i can gather no one even invited him to the party he just showed up and made a mediocre meal. what’s weird: someone came into the kitchen and claimed this guy killed their whole family. we never saw that guy again. needless to say, kazuya wasn’t invited to the afterparty.

70: link (botw)

don’t get me wrong here, link is a five star chef. he’s just really unsanitary. apparently he cut the meat and vegetables with the same sword he killed calamity ganon with. i don’t wanna taste that guy!! have you seen him?? not to mention he pulled the meal out of his pants. i don’t even know how it fit in there.

69: inkling

she made a pancake and i thought it was good! but i absolutely can’t condone this. inkling left so much fucking weird slime and shit all over my house. and got really competitive when she heard i was getting meals from everyone else. i hope they’re all ok.

68: ROB

it was so processed. the most processed food i’ve ever had in my entire life. it’s not his fault, rob is a great guy. but this tasted like literally nothing.

67: ice climbers

when they told me they were making dessert, i trusted them. but i let someone else taste test first. my best friend was sent to the hospital because of tongue frostbite. didn’t even know that was a thing. i made the ice climbers pay for it (they’re fucking loaded)

66: villager

he made isabelle do it. and she made something great! but i’m not giving this cretin credit for having the money to afford a five star chef. you don’t deserve it because you sold a shit ton of tarantulas villager!!

65: lucario.

dude got really mad and destroyed my kitchen. he’s REALLY lucky he got the burger PERFECTLY cooked.

64: male byleth.

like this dude knows how to cook. he can barely make chicken nuggets. he has to eat in the school cafeteria simply because he never learned how to cook a simple meal. but he’s a really nice guy. total himbo. love him.

63: ryu

i asked this guy what he likes to eat. big mistake. he then went on to say that his training regiment doesn’t condone copious indulgence (his words) and he lives off of nothing but protein shakes. you do you i guess.

62-61: fox/falco

these two went into the kitchen and came out with weird alien food. i didn’t eat it but everyone else seemed to enjoy it

60: greninja

when he first came out i was so excited. he came out with the most finely sliced food i had ever seen in my entire life. but it was soooo watered down. everything tasted like celery. how do you make crab taste like celery?? how??!

59-58: simon/richter

these guys both made the same exact fish recipe, came out at the same time, and proceeded to fight each other. i didn’t get to try any 😭

57-49: every fire emblem character.

genuinely, i can’t tell these guys apart. or their food choices. honestly, my bad. i’m sure they’re good. but where do i even start.

48: sheik

she doesn’t know how to cook. she kidnapped someone else. normally i wouldn’t put someone like that this high but a. i have gender envy b. it’s for the greater good (or so she said)

47: cloud

dude made a great sandwich but he kept screaming random noises while he did. personally, i’m just glad he managed not to destroy the kitchen. that’s a first here.

46: captain falcon

he promised he’d pick up some pizza but got into a car crash on the way there. eventually he got there after the car crash was all sorted out, but got into ANOTHER on the way back. i’m honestly kind of impressed

45: steve

steve could cook an absolutely fucking KILLER meal. he’ll even offer to do it for free. but you shouldn’t let him under any circumstances. he took 13 hours gathering materials and while the wait was, arguably, worth it, i never want to experience it again. (side note: we asked captain falcon to get some pizza while waiting which led to the aforementioned entry)

44: sora

sora doesn’t know how to cook but he’s by far the biggest name at this party. everyone fucking loves him. he’s friends with GOOFY. this dude hangs out with GOOFY. this guys has hung out with GOOFY AND jack sparrow. bad food but i could listen to this guy talk for hours about his story. i’m sure i’ll understand it all.

43-40: pokémon trainer

this guys organization is fucking atrocious. if he can actually get his shit together he’ll cook up some nice vegetarian meals, but that’s a big if.

HONORABLE MENTION: sans mii gunner

sans undertale is a world renowned, famous chef. his recipes are simple, but cooked with such love, care, and finess it turns a simple cheeseburger into a masterpiece. sans undertale would easily top this list. sans mii gunner is not sans undertale. he bought the real sans’ cookbook and thinks he’s some kind of cooking genius. and sure he’s got the recipes but none of the skill to actually make it.

39-38: samus/zero suit samus

hooray! we’re out of bad cook options now. samus is a great cook, but she’s so used to her alien delicacies she doesn’t know how to cook on earth anymore. shame, but i trust her to produce something edible.

37: shulk

he is really good at the grill. unfortunately, he refused to put a shirt on and made everyone a little uncomfy. that being said, he showed me the beach boys and i had never listened to them before. so he gets points.

36-35: pit/dark pit

these guys don’t know how to cook but the flew into the sky and killed some mythical bird for everyone to eat. i couldn’t have any, i’m pescatarian, but everyone else loved it.

34: bayonnetta

she opened a portal to a waffle house and a bunch of demons came flying out. she didn’t make anything, but honestly, absolutely legendary experience that was.

33: duck hunt

you’d think a dog wouldn’t bring anything meaningful. this would be false. that is the freshest duck i’ve ever seen in my entire life. (didn’t eat it: pescatarian)

32: king dedede

he made his legendary homemade mashed potatoes. everyone loved them. so creamy… weirdly perfect. too bad i hate the monarchy. sorry bud.

31: meta knight

meta knight is a great cook and should be higher. but i don’t want him to be. because he’s so fucking pretentious. he sliced all the food in front of everyone and wouldn’t shut up about radiohead. hate this guy.

30-29: daisy/peach

these two put all their private chefs together to make something for everyone. great catering, great food, but they didn’t technically make it. love them.

28: mewtwo

as if mewtwo wouldn’t just read someone’s mind and cook something. but it’s not mewtwo’s food…so…. sorry dude you cheated.

27: dark samus

she really surprised me here. she cooked up the most exquisite alien delicacies i’ve ever tasted in my entire life. should be higher. but unfortunately, i had to get a space parasite removed from my system by regular samus. honestly though… it was worth it.

26: ganon

he was rude to everyone about his cooking skills and wouldn’t stop bragging. asshole am i right? but surprised everyone by grilling his god damn heart out. he’s a bad try hard but like go off i guess.

25: isabelle

she’s trying her absolute fucking best and she deserves the world here. amazing cook, we need to save her from the island.

24: little mac

dude went so hard. brought new york pizza ALL THE WAY FROM NEW YORK. ok, not literally, but he made a damn good pizza

23: snake

full disclosure: snake doesn’t know how to cook. also no one knows he’s an agent. but he has to cook to blend in so you BEST BELIEVE this man is going to COOK like his life depends on it.

22-20: young link, ness, and lucas

all these guys are incredibly mature for their age. surprised everyone at this party. i had deep and philosophical conversations with all of them about appreciating life. i fucking cried. oh and they made everyone sandwiches, and even took my pescatarianism into account.

19: rosalina

she brought weird space ice cream and i felt my mind expanding as i ate it. love her.

18: mr game and watch

he feels like everyone’s dad! and he’s one of those cooks who cooks in front of everyone. dude flung his meals onto everyone’s plates expertly. love him.

17: joker

originally much lower on this list, joker showed up at my house and attempted to make a grilled cheese and made the worst thing i’ve ever taste. then he said something about gru from despicable me and stood in the corner for an hour. originally i had him towards the bottom but then he doordashed five gigantic burgers, ate all of them in one sitting, and then made me an expensive curry that tasted fantastic. dude went hard.

it was at this point i realized i made a mistake with the numbers. like hell if i’m going to fix the whole thing.

22: zelda

she made some weird food but damn was it pretty to look at! crystals, magic power, i mean good vibes all around here.

21-20: pyra and mythra

i feel like i should put them here since they’re confirmed to be good cooks in the game. but between you and me, i didn’t invite them. i’d consider some entries before this to be better cooks but at this point i’ve been working on this list for 8 hours i do not wanna go back and fix things please i mean this whole list is a joke no one should take this seriously

19: banjo and kazooie

these guys can fucking cook. they’ve been living on their own for a while so it makes sense but it still surprises me. they made a really big stew and even brought free puzzle games.

18: wolf

GRILL MASTER. dude knows what he’s doing on that thing. i’ve never seen better spatula work. holy shit.

17: kirby

kirby came in with some weird blonde hair and made some FANTASTIC ribs (that i didn’t have bc i’m pescatarian). weirdly, gordon ramsey went missing the same day…. i’m sure it means nothing.

16: mario

dude made some absolutely spectacular spaghetti. but he kept talking about how great he is and it really off put some people. kinda weird dude.

15: dr mario. dude brought 50 apples to the potluck. guess he doesn’t wanna see anyone in the office. and he didn’t because we ate them all. take that.

14: min min

she brought some soup dumplings which a lot of people hadn’t had! love her. literally fantastic. she had a whole arm for cooking. that’s what we call efficient.

13: ken

he’s kenough. he is amazing at barbecue. he can cook things with his hands, juggle, also he’s just a fun presence. (i made him make fake meat burgers for me)

12: jigglypuff

she showed up with so many pastries. like so many. not only that, but they were decorative!! she put so much work into that. love her.

11: luigi

he tried to make spaghetti like his brother but a literal fucking meteor slammed into his pot and cracked it. tough luck. then he offered to pay and i refused, but went out and got me some really expensive spaghetti anyways! he’s such a nice guy!! shouldn’t be this high… but i love this guy so much. he’s trying his hardest and i respect that.

10: toon link

toon link didn’t actually make anything. but his mom came and made everyone a salad. and honestly! his mom is some great company. she had so many interesting stories about his childhood. honestly she added so much to the function

9: terry

he is the BARBECUE MASTER!!!! literally what the hell how is he so good! everyone at the party kinda stereotyped him but he’s really really progressive with his views which you wouldn’t think for a big barbecue muscle guy in a baseball cap but everyone loved this guy.

8: mega man

the MASTER CHEF!! literally. he was on master chef. he uses thin round blades to slice vegetables, heats things perfectly, has an instance knowledge of spices, just damn. this guy knows what he’s doing.

7-6: bowser and donkey kong

common misconception: everyone thinks these two would have no idea how to cook. but these are FAMILY GUYS HERE!! they’re providing for absolutely gigantic families, these fuckers know how to make a sandwich and they did. initially they started off making separate sandwiches but they have a really similar recipe and decided to work together. and i really respect that. also turns out peach is just bowser’s kids’ babysitter.

5: palutena.

everyone expected her to show up with some absolutely mystical food. naturally, she showed up with the literal ambrosia of the gods. holy shit. unfortunately, she didn’t put as much effort into it as she could’ve.

4: sephiroth.

ok this guy didn’t really cook anything amazing. but his sheer fucking commitment to the vibe is literally legendary. this man has a long as sword he cut 10 veggies at a time with. he heat them with magic world ending fire. when he was done in the kitchen he surrounded himself with fire and gazed menacingly at me. his sheer commitment to the edge lord aesthetic is truly exemplary.

3: incineroar.

THE GRILLING GOAT!! this man is a grill master. he was prepared to grill ANYTHING. and i mean anything. fish, veggies, meat, fucking grilled cheese. love this guy.

2: wii fit trainer

she made the most well balanced and healthy salad i’ve ever had. and she made it taste extraordinary. she can be a little intense about fitness but i’ve never had a healthier meal in my life. it immediately lowered my extremely high cholesterol.

1. diddy kong

he’s about ten. he made you a pb&j. he had homework to do, but he made you a pb&j. he didn’t have to. he wasn’t asked to. he just wanted to make you a pb&j. he could’ve done anything else but he made you a pb&j. what heartless monster wouldn’t accept it.

[nebulaafterdark]

Exile (Part 4)

Summary: Y/N Undersee thought the games were over after becoming a victor. Unfortunately, life outside the arena has become just as dangerous. Prequel to Moves & Countermoves

Trigger warning: forced prostitution, explicit sexual content, alcohol/drug use and other mentions of trauma. 18+ ONLY

Part 3

The reaping for the 64th hunger games, brings forth their tributes, Denali and Maximus. The girl, is sixteen and her little brother, only fourteen. Orphans, surviving solely off of tesserae and profits made from pedaling contraband at the hob.

When Y/N comes to greet them on the train, Denali has her brother tucked behind her protectively, near the table of food. “Hello.”

Denali watches her with wary eyes.

“You should eat.” Y/N tells her. “Both of you. Get your strength up for the arena.”

Maximus reaches out for a dinner roll, but his sister slaps it from his hand.

“You first.” Denali demands. She needs to be sure it’s not poisoned.

Y/N closes the space between them, taking the abandoned bread and tearing off a piece. Placing it into her mouth, she chews and swallows.

Maximus presses his lips together, gulping hard. He can almost taste it.

“My name is Y/N. I’ll be your mentor-”

“Where’s the other one? The man?”

“Haymitch is down in the bar car.” Y/N tells them.

“He’s been doing it longer, we want him.” Denali says.

“Fine.” Y/N crosses both arms over her chest, toying with the bracelet on her left wrist. “But the two of you stay here, and eat. Please eat.”

The girl narrows her gray, seam, eyes, watching the woman leave. She’s seen her before, sneaking around where she didn’t belong. The man, Haymitch, was from the seam, before he won the games. He still comes down to the hob, Denali’s sold to him a couple times. Most recently, a bracelet, woven from stitching scraps. For his wife, he’d told her…and the woman, Y/N, is wearing it.

The victors return after a long moment, their hands intertwined. Y/N appears to be leading Haymitch toward them, against his will.

Maximus and his sister stare at him, expectantly.

Haymitch smiles, “I heard you wanted to see me.”

“Y-yes. You’re our mentor and we need strategy and-”

“Woah,” Haymitch stops the girl’s train of thought, “you’re barking up the wrong tree, sweetheart.”

“What?”

“That’s her department,” Haymitch jerks his chin toward his wife.

“Then what do you do?” Denali asks.

“Enjoy the refreshments,” Haymitch lifts his glass.

————————————————————————

Upon arriving in the Capitol, Y/N and Haymitch are collected to film interviews. Caesar always finds a way to make the most of their time here. But over the years, it has proven useful in gaining sponsors for their tributes.

“We’re happy.” Haymitch reminds Y/N. “We’re in love and so glad to be here.”

Y/N nods, blinking up at him through obscenely long lashes. Vanity has done a number on her this time. Y/N is her muse, the one who inspired her to leave her position as stylist for the games and design pieces for her victor full time.

The people of the Capitol cannot get enough. Anything Y/N wears, they want to wear. Tonight is a cotton candy pink dress.

“For the first time, on this very stage, we will be joined by Mr. and Mrs. Abernathy.” Caesar announces, riling the crowd into a frenzy.

Last time they were here was their wedding day and Snow obviously had better things for them to do afterwards than gossip with Caesar Flickerman.

“Please give our newly weds a warm welcome, Y/N and Haymitch.” Caesar motions toward them from the stage, their queue to join him.

Haymitch reaches back for her hand, waving out at the crowd as they cross the floor.

Y/N greets Caesar first. He likes her better than Haymitch anyway, most people do.

————————————————————————

“Where’ve you been?” Maximus asks his mentors, after the tribute parade.

“Clearly they have more important things to do than help us.” Denali turns up her nose in their direction.

The tributes are dressed as coal miners…again.

“Do you have any idea how much a bottle of water goes for in the arena? A loaf of bread? Medicine?” Haymitch cuts in. “Those things don’t come cheap, sweetheart.”

“So what?” Denali doesn’t understand how their absence would change that.

“There’s people here with a lot of money.” Y/N explains. “The more time we spend with them, the more money they’re willing to provide our tributes. I’m sorry that we had to step away, but that’s why I supplied you with the tablets. Did you have a chance to look over the strategy files?”

Denali shakes her head of dark curls.

“That’s ok, we still have time.” Y/N assures her, “let’s go up to our floor. We can discuss it over dinner.”

————————————————————————-

The district twelve escort, a woman named Cordelia Walters, who desperately hopes to be reassigned to another district; holds the elevator for them. “Chop, chop.” She claps her hands together. Like herding animals in a zoo.

“Always a delight.” Haymitch snarks, as they step into the confined space.

Y/N huffs a laugh, pressing her lips together. Their escorts seem to have a high turnover rate. She hopes that holds true.

Dinner is tense, Cordelia can’t be bothered with listening to defense strategy details. “Can we talk about something else?”

“Oh, sure!” Y/N pipes up, “let’s discuss the up in coming fashion for the spring. I have all of Vanity’s sketches.”

“Really?” The woman squeals, “you don’t think she’ll mind?”

“Not at all.” Y/N lies, “here, take it. You can bring it back in the morning.”

“Thank you.” The Capitol woman races away, closing the door to her suite behind her.

“That’s one way to do it.” Haymitch lifts a shoulder, poking at the peas on his plate.

“Now we can talk?” Maximus asks, shoveling another spoonful into his mouth.

“Yeah,” Y/N smiles. “You can start by telling me what you’re good at.”

“I’m a fast runner.” The boy tells her.

“Had to be, we’ve been running all our lives.” Denali adds, still unsure if Y/N can be trusted.

“And what about you,” Y/N asks, “what are you good at?”

“I’m strong and good with a knife.” The girl tells her. “We just need you to give us a chance.”

Y/N leans in, across the table, “we can train you, separate from the other tributes. We can supply you with anything you might need from a sponsor. We can prepare you for your interviews. No one is rooting for you more than we are.”

The four of them talk late into the night, answering questions. Exchanging stories and discussing useful weapon tactics.

Haymitch’s number one rule is not to get attached. However his wife, either cannot or will not follow it.

When they finally retire to their room, Y/N makes a mad dash for the white pills, on the bedside table. The contents rattle in her shaking hand.

“Here, angel.” Haymitch takes it from her, “that won’t help.”

“But you said-” White is for pain.

He reaches for another bottle. “Take this.” He deposits a yellow pill into her hand. Then a blue. For her nerves and to help her sleep.

Y/N swallows them down, attempting to catch her breath.

“Come here.” Haymitch wraps her up in his arms. Placing a hand over her heart and rubbing gently, “that’s where it hurts, huh?”

She nods, praying that the pills take effect soon.

“The white ones can’t help with that.” He continues, attempting to soothe the ache.

“How do you do this?” Y/N leans into him. “It’s only been four years and I feel like-”

“Before you, those ten years after I won….I drank until I blacked out and I can still see their faces. I remember their names. I see their families, back home and it never gets easier. It never gets better. But you find ways to live with it.”

Y/N lets out a sob, “I can’t. I can’t.”

“I’ll help you.” I’ll do whatever it takes.

“I want to go home.”

“I know,” Haymitch breathes. “But the pills are gonna kick in soon. Then you’ll feel better.”

“I don’t want to feel better. I want to save those kids!”

“We can try.” Haymitch says, somberly.

“If I overdose, what happens to my family?” Y/N wonders, eyelids growing heavy as Haymitch shuffles her toward the bed.

“Snow wanted to have them executed after your games. As punishment for you not killing Tyson. He was only willing to negotiate a deal, in exchange for my…work. If you kill yourself, I have nothing else to offer him. No leverage. He’ll kill them and sell me; again.” Haymitch explains, pulling off her shoes. “But I wouldn’t blame you.”

Y/N sucks in a breath. She has something to live for. Her sister, her parents and him. She has Haymitch to live for. Therefore she cannot die. “It was only a hypothetical question, I wasn’t- I wouldn’t-” leave you.

Haymitch pats her cheek, the drugs have kicked in and her tears have subsided. “Goodnight, angel.”

Taglist: @spideysimpossiblegirl @ancientbeing10 @1-800-styles @l3xi3luv @lam-ila @druby2011-blog @liballer @readinginthe-am @rae-11 @champomiel @mariechristine00

[spideyhexx]

Billy knew he didn't actually hate you, but it was the only front he'd been able to put up.

Ever since you joined his gang, you've been a thorn in his side. Your constant teasing and that sickeningly sweet smile that played on your lips every time his jaw clenched at your words would send him into a spiral. It's like you always knew the right way to thread words together to make him mad.

He admits to himself he's taken with you. He sees your beauty and understands the intrigue that other men express with ease towards you, but there's just a coil inside him that tightens with anger whenever words fall out of your pretty mouth.

Billy felt poisoned by you. You occupy every part of his mind. He isn't even sure how he's supposed to do his job when he's only thinking about your voice. Or the way you called him out for staring while you sipped on your drink. Or when he saw you come out of your tent, buttoning your shirt up and you just had to comment on his blush.

This morning would be like any other. Everyone is scattered, eating their breakfast. Billy leans up against a post and does the same.

"Mr. Bonney, I recall being promised an extra piece of bread," he hears you from behind him and you swoop in, taking his already half-eaten piece of bread from him. "I reckon that was Jesse, not me," his eyes pierce daggers into you, but it somehow never phased you. At least on the outside.

On the inside, you wanted to melt from his gaze but you're smarter than that. You knew how to keep yourself composed, so all Billy saw was a calm expression and a smile as you ate what was left of his bread.

He'd roll his eyes so hard, you'd think he wanted you to hear it. He stalks off towards a small group of his men who've gathered around to talk. You trail behind him, watching his arm flex as he reaches for his hat and puts it on his head, adjusting it only slightly before leaving it. You always like his hat and the way his little brown curls would peek out in tufts from it. The attraction you had for him was overwhelming at times but the power you felt when you got him so pissed off was enough to fuel your aching feelings for him.

A wild thought enters your mind as he comes to a halt, you a few paces behind him. Annoying him was the epitome of fun for you and why not start the day off strong? Without another thought, you sneak up behind him and yank his hat off of his head, backing away quickly as he turns on instinct, his hand at his gun. He relaxes when he notices it's just you.

"Give me that back," he snaps as the other boys whistle in amusement.

They were all used to your antics by now and loved it when you challenged Billy. You seemed to be the only person to really get under his skin so it was for their amusement too.

A taunt plays at the tip of your tongue like venom. "You gonna catch me?" You tighten your grip on his hat, a smile still on your lips as his mouth opens to say something, but nothing comes out.

Billy's mind is racing. He's still tired and he only got to eat half of his food cause of you and now you have his hat of all things. All he feels like he can do at that moment is let out a little chuckle, shaking his head.

He begins to walk towards you and you both circle one another as all attention is focused on the two of you. "We both know I can run faster than you, sweetheart," Billy tries. He tries so hard to not come off as irritated as he is but it's so obvious. You loved that about him.

His brow is knitted and his lips purse in frustration when you shake your head. "You think so little of me, Bonney."

The two of you circle one another for a bit. You want to just run but you're waiting to see his first move. Billy on the other hand doesn't think you would even run. He knows he can very easily get a few steps closer and grab his hat from you. He's trying to study your face like he wants to read your thoughts, but he just can't. You're too good, too concealed.

"You too scared, Bonney?" A few of the men around you snicker at that and you feel your smile turn into more of a smirk as Billy's face emits more anger. He swallows hard, nose flaring as he watches you like prey. But then again, maybe he's the prey. He takes two steps to move forward and you tsk before turning heel and dashing away.

"Fuck!" He curses as the men laugh and he takes off after you. Billy had to admit that you were faster than he thought, but he still caught up enough to try and reach out his hands to grab you. You spin out of his grasp, his fingers barely grazing your waist before you run off again.

You don't miss the way he lets out a groan and you so badly wish you could turn around and see the look on his face, but you book it. The land is vast where you are, so much room and you take that advantage.

When you're a decent distance away, you stop, "you're pretty slow, Bonney!" You watch him heave it as he keeps running after you and you decide to slow your pace as you continue. Maybe he's had enough. And maybe you wanna see his handsome face up close again.

The lake comes into view as you run and Billy nears closer to you. It's like the adrenaline kicked in for him full-time as you feel your own heart pounding, just waiting to feel him catch you.

When Billy gets close enough to grab you, and he does. His hands grip onto your waist hard and he's tugging you close to him as you let out a shriek. The force of this, however, with both of you running and the hold he's got on you makes him lose his footing. He falls onto the ground, bringing you down with him.

He takes most of the fall and you land on top of him, his grasp on you so fucking tight. Despite the wind being knocked out of him for a moment, Billy's made aware of how your ass is now pressing right against his crotch and it takes every nerve in his body to not just buck his hips up against you to continue the sensation that's rocketing throughout his body in that instant. He knows he's digging his fingers tight on your hips and it gives his clouded mind all the more reason to grind against you, but he doesn't. His grip loosens.

He tries to sit up after a moment and that's when he realizes you're...laughing? Laughing so hard as you roll off of him onto your back next to him in the grass.

You both pant from exhaustion and you place Billy's hat on his chest, patting it before continuing in your fit of laughter. He looks at you with his brow raised. Billy's never had such conflicting emotions course through him before, but he knew he loved the sight of you laughing this hard. And that it was him and only him.

He really did his best to keep his lips from quirking up into a smile, but you were already looking at him. "oh don't hide it, Mr. Bonney, you loved that," you get out as you continue to laugh and that's when Billy noticed you were crying from it.

And all Billy could do, despite whatever had been holding him back, was smile and laugh along.

He drops his head into the grass as you sit up and wipe at your eyes. Billy can't take his eyes off of you. The morning sun hits you perfectly and he's even seen you laugh like this. For this one moment, any anger you've caused him dissipates, and he's left only with some sort of happiness.

You finally look back at him and notice the slight flush on his cheeks as he stares up at you. You try to return your breathing to normal as you glance at his hat, but then you see something else.

"Are you hard right now?" Billy lifts his head up, moving his hat from his chest, and sees his arousal from the situation had been more than he might've expected and he looks at you as you try to hold in your laughter.

"Sweetheart, don't-" but you're already cackling and Billy accepts his defeat in the matter, watching you with a squint in his eyes due to the sun and a smile on his lips.

let's chat about billy, here :)

[milksuu]

❀. │GIRL DINNER (O2)│. ❀

❥ prompt: You're hungry. You want food. You want a snack. You just want SOMETHING. You send your HEARTSTEEL boyfriend(s) on a food-run adventure. Let's see what each boy brings back. ❥ content/warnings: sexually suggestive themes, fluff ❥ characters/pairings: v!Heartsteel (sett, yone, k'sante) / f!reader

SETT

foot-long sub and gatorade

When it comes to feeding you, Sett isn’t willing to compromise. He goes big, or he goes home. And he’s not going home empty handed. 

He Facetime’s you when he’s at the Deli counter of the local grocer, where the sub-meat selection is divine, options are abundant, and the portions are unbeatable. 

When you say you want double amounts of meat, you’re getting it. When you tell him you want more toppings, it’s done. Oh, you want your bread extra toasted and slathered in condiments? Baby, it’s yours. No problem—he’s got you.

When he comes home, you get a running head start, and jump into his arms without warning. The man has no trouble catching you, ever. 

As he greets your neck with a kiss, you lean and whisper into his soft ears about wanting to ‘share some’ with him. Since Sett has an uncontrollably tendency to go over-board with anything portion related, he’s more than willing to help you out. He understands you can't finish most things by yourself. Especially if he's the one serving you.

You huff with an embarrassed whine, shaking your head. You weren't talking about the food! 

Sett finally catches on by the squeezing of your legs around him, the flush of your cheeks, and the hot puffs you tow against his twitching ears. He hums a low and warm grumble at the insinuation. That large hand cradling your bottom squeezes in all the right places. It's enough to elicit a satisfied cry from your lips.

Sett really didn’t come home empty handed. In more ways than one.

YONE

home cooked meal and water

Yone was an expert and perfectionist—especially in the kitchen. Why would he buy you anything processed and unhealthy when he could make anything you desired? He wasn’t going to tolerate you poisoning yourself. Not on his watch. 

Insisting on cooking for you, you watched at how meticulous he was in the kitchen. His expertise with a knife was incomparable. You never realized chopping vegetables could be a discipline and an art form.

When he finished garnishing the plate, he served you. If you didn’t know any better, you would think the dish came straight from a Michelin five-star restaurant!

Not allowing it cool, you burned your tongue on your first bite. Yone chastised you (one of his ways of showing affection) before taking the next helping, and blowing away the steam. He raised the fork to your lips.

Yone was always cool, calm, and collected—but would then do things that were heart-pounding, sweet and seductive. You felt silly with embarrassment. You shook your head, declining his help.

Unacceptable. Yone took your chin without a word, pressed his lips against yours, and slipped a tongue to open your mouth. When you gasped a moan, he abandoned your mouth, and placed the food inside. He encouraged you to chew thoroughly, but all you wanted to do was collapse.

Yone was definitely an expert and perfectionist—at driving you absolutely mad about him.

K'SANTE

take-out and bottle of wine

K’Sante was never about the ‘Netflix and chill’ thing. More like the ‘Netflix and serve my Queen’ scene. And that’s exactly what he planned to do.

Knowing your favorite restaurant, he orders express delivery and pops the cork off of a pricey bottle of wine.

K’Sante has everything ready for the night. Lights dimmed, scented candles lit, and Netflix show ready to go at the press of a button. 

Like the Casanova he is, he serves you everything first. All the while showering you with compliments about how beautiful you are. K’Sante isn’t ashamed of expressing himself to what he likes—which is obviously you. 

After eating and having your fill of wine, you relax further into the couch with him. All the while, watching your shared guilty-pleasure reality TV-show; 'Too Hot To Handle'

The wine seems to get the better of you two. Spooning you from behind, you turn over a cheek expecting to see K’Sante watching the TV. Far from it—his lustrous gaze is on you. He graciously takes your mouth. Slow and passionate. And you can taste the spice of the wine. 

With eyes closed, you feel his trained hand slide across your waist, and slip between your thighs.

K’Sante wasn’t done serving his Queen. And that’s exactly what he planned to do.

[mind-player]

Little Escape

Basically, Tav getting addicted to organizing loot as a means of a short little escape from the horrors they've seen. Astarion thought that it would be fine, however, if it didn't get to the point where they started to neglect their own needs.

He decides that perhaps a break is in order.

Words: 957

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Astarion kept stealing annoyed glances above his book at you from where he stood in front of his tent. Everyone gathered around Gale with bowls and bread, all banter and grateful sounds for long-awaited food. 

Conversely, you kept fussing around with the loot everyone snatched from earlier that day. You were sorting through it with piles of books, letters, potions, and poisons surrounding your little area. Your tongue stuck out in concentration as you created a new pile of unenchanted armor and useless trinkets that could be sold to the next trader they came across on another adventure. 

"Tav! Come and get your food!" Karlach thankfully called, probably pitying how you were usually always the last soul to eat (only thanks to Astarion cutting in and saving you a bowl) because you'd never even noticed the smell of food in the air. 

Suppose loot wasn't occupying your mind. In that case, it was filling canteens and waterskins, sharpening and polishing everyone's weapons, doing laundry, brewing potions, or burying your nose in a text you found that day- anything that made you forget everything around you. 

Astarion honestly wondered if you even had a stomach sometimes. Or a need for sleep. 

You blinked and glanced up from your fort of loot, shaking your head, and Astarion almost rolled his eyes to the back of his skull. 

"I've gotta get through this first."

"They're doing it yet again. I wonder if it's just my cooking," Gale sadly pondered aloud as he poured a bowl for you anyway. 

"It's not that; Tav just gets lost in things sometimes," Shadowheart told him, not really as a reassurance, but more just as a matter of fact. 

"I will say that they keep a very organized camp because of it," Lae'zel stated, grabbing your bowl and walking over to place it next to you. 

You mumbled a quick thanks as you organized the books neatly into a chest, moving on to put some helpful scrolls into a pouch, potions the same. And, of course, as Astarion predicted, you ignored it for about ten minutes before he decided that you might like a lukewarm meal over a cold one that night. 

Astarion closed his book and made his way over, leaning against an enormous chest. You didn't even notice his presence or stare, you busy bee. 

"Would you like some help?" he offered, which was rare. 

At first, he thought you didn't hear him, as you were too lost in picking through some enchanted jewelry. But you eventually glanced up at him, tilting your head a little at the vision of him. 

"No, thank you." 

Then Astarion's eyebrow twitched as Wyll called over his shoulder, "I've tried that one before!"

The vampire ignored him and tried once again because, of course, he was just as stubborn as you were, dammit. 

"Are you sure, Tav? This is a pretty infrequent opportunity to finally put me to work around here. Would you like to eat? Bathe? Rest? You know, basic things that everyone needs but you somehow neglect?" 

You blinked and grabbed a circlet, raising it to inspect, unanswering. Were you really ignoring Astarion now? 

Astarion huffed and muttered under his breath, "Fine. Enjoy your frigid stew. That is if you even eat it."

"Wait," you called, standing from your spot and swaying a little. 

Astarion glared at you, but his expression slowly slipped away the closer you came toward him. Your eyes finally focused as you fixed the golden circlet atop his head. Your fingers brushed some of his white curls to the side as you took in his entire face. 

His cursed undead heart would've been beating out of his chest at the sudden sight of you and your eyes on him, only him. It was like your attention was always there, with the corners of your lips rising into an appreciative smile. 

"Beautiful," you told him, completely engrossing his attention in you once again. The dark circles under your eyes, the dirt and blood spatter on your skin, and your frazzled hair from a hard day fought. Every part is endearing, especially compared to how much you did for everyone else and maybe for yourself despite your fatigue. 

This adventure only offered some bouts of control, but most days, it just didn't. If there was something to make you forget those chaotic moments, painful moments, in getting lost in these things, then Astarion reasoned it wasn't so bad- if even for a moment.

But he'll be damned if he was going to let you deprive yourself of your needs. 

"You're quite sly, you know that?" Astarion asked, grinning back. 

"Why, I have no clue what you're talking about," you replied with that cheeky smile that Astarion secretly adored. You gestured to the enchantments and said, "You can help me put these somewhere for everyone to look through tomorrow." 

"And what exactly do I get in return?" he asked. "Aside from these cherished adornments."

You weren't surprised by those words. Astarion was sure you already knew he wasn't going to give. 

"I'm not quite sure. What would you like then?" 

You wanted to hear him say it, and he would have indulged you if it meant you finally understood how important it is to take care of yourself.

"There's many things I'd like. For starters, you could finally eat that sorry bowl of stew. Otherwise, the entire camp has to suffer Gale's river of tears." 

"I heard that!" the wizard crankily hollered all the way over from his tent. You glanced over at the table and noticed everyone had finished eating by then and returned to their bedrolls. 

"That was the point!" Astarion announced before turning to you. "Think you can manage that, darling?" 

[khaire-traveler]

🌾 Subtle Demeter Worship 🌻

Learn how to make homemade bread

Eat fruit and vegetables

Learn how to forage; picking safe berries, mushrooms, and the like (really do your research!!!)

Plant a garden; grow plants in your home/room

Support environmental or preservation organizations

Have a candle that reminds you of her (no altar needed)

Keep a picture of her in your wallet

Wear jewelry that reminds you of her

Honor the changing of the seasons; go outside to admire/respect the natural cycle of seasons

Pick up trash in your neighborhood or area

Visit a local forest or nature preserve; spend time there and explore

Observe wildlife in your area; bird-watching

Educate yourself on local flora and fauna

Have a snake or pig stuffed animal

Have imagery of flowers, fruit, or cornucopia

Learn how to cook or bake

Bake pastries for yourself or loved ones, especially ones containing fruits

Spend time/play with any pets you have

Make flower crowns

Pick flowers (not from someone else's garden!)

Purchase produce from local farmers

Support local food banks

Make a warm meal for someone in need

Try writing your own recipes; try old family recipes, if any

Learn about local invasive species, plants or otherwise; get rid of any invasive plants you see, if safe to do so

Educate yourself on poisonous plants in order to avoid them

Drink natural teas; make your own herbal tea bags

Ground yourself in nature

Take a hike or walk outside

Sit in a field, and bask in the sunlight (during summer or spring)

Feed neighborhood cats, dogs, or birds

Volunteer at animal or homeless shelters

Donate food; canned foods and well-packaged foods are extremely helpful

Be kind to yourself; take care of yourself physically

Eat three meals a day

Bury the pits or seeds of fruits and veggies you eat; give back to the earth c:

-

May add to this down the line! This is my list of discreet ways to worship Demeter. Enjoy, and take care! 💚

Link to Subtle Worship Master list

[sweet-as-an-angel]

LOLLL I was wondering if Dominic would ever get the ick from his obsession?😔 what even are his icks in general 😭?

Hello and thank you for writing in, Sweetie ! This is a very good question ^^.

Basically, any of the following are enough to give Dominic the 'ick':

♡ Darling trying too hard. He likes you because you don't act like you need him as everyone else does; the second he senses a change in that, he's on the back foot and he doesn't like it. He'll do his best to understand why you've suddenly changed your attitude in a rare display of almost-empathy before steering you back onto the path whereupon he can keep romanticising you.

♡ Anyone - and I mean ANYONE - who isn't you touching him. He views people as lesser than him, so, by default, they are not worthy of getting to touch him. Aside from you, of course. But don't pet or prod him too much; he may revoke your physical interaction privileges.

♡ Any food that isn't prepared by a 3 star Michelin chef, his wife, or you. He knows he can trust Marilyn's cooking because he made sure not to marry someone who could cause his accidental death via food poisoning. So, as much as he'd downplay it, Marilyn's cooking is some of the best you'll ever taste.

♡ God forbid Dominic and Marilyn have to go to a guest's house, though; the only thing Dominic is even considering touching is the bread rolls.

♡ He likes your cooking, too, regardless of how complex the dishes. He's just happy that someone's made him something form the heart rather than of expectation, and he can enjoy his meal knowing that you didn't make it with any strings attached. And you'd best believe he's going to tell you how good it was for days to come.

Reblog for more content like this! It helps creators like myself tremendously and it is greatly appreciated :-)

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[keyrey]

He's a fighter—in choice of words, that is.

My head-canon is that doting husband!Kento Nanami isn’t as soft-spoken and wise with his wife as he was back when they dated. Now, he’s quick to make a comeback when needed. Which happens to be quite often. Picture this:

Kento's sharp tongue is a result of dealing with his 'cocky and catastrophic' co-workers all day and night. (His words.) He’s armed not only with a sword but also with a collection of blunt, yet somehow witty retorts. It’s all part of his personality. And the constant patter of rain on his leather brogues didn’t exactly lift his spirits either. He was more than ready to see the clock strike 6:30 on his shiny silver watch.

He drags himself home, utterly exhausted. His eyes are half-closed and puffy, his lips cold. Despite his fatigue, he greets his wife with a tender and loving kiss, though it’s clearly accompanied by a silent message of, ‘I’m dead tired, but I’m doing this so you won’t get mad at me.’

"You need to invest in a better lip balm, Nanami."

"Oh, is that so?" Kento probes his lip with genuine curiosity. They might be a bit chapped, but is it worth the joke? Not necessarily. He’s familiar with her sarcastic streak; it can get a bit old, but he usually lets it slide.

"Yeah, it scratched my lip a little," she replies, her tone laced with mirth.

He fires back, "I suppose I do... but you need to invest in a comb." His deadpan delivery signals the start of their roast battle. Her aversion to combs is evident in the wild, tumbleweed-like mess at the back of her head. It’s a sorry excuse for a ponytail. She insists that hair wash days are only once a month, leaving her locks to form their own chaotic masterpiece.

"Oh, we’re starting this now, huh?" His wife pumps her tiny fists in the air, initiating a playful fight. A playful fight usually means he just stands there, hovering as she tries to provoke him. To no avail, of course.

Rule one of the husband/wife roast battle: Never lie.

"You need…" She struggles to come up with something since Kento is just too goddamn perfect on the surface. "A cookbook! Yeah, that’s right!" She shoots back with a triumphant grin.

"My cooking is immaculate. If it were that bad, why do you hover around the kitchen waiting for seconds, hmm? Care to explain, my love?"

He’s good. Damn it.

"…I’m tired of bread!" Her voice, though frail, is filled with fire. She crosses her arms, standing her ground.

Kento’s rare, toothy grin widens as he counters, “You adore my bread! How about you invest in some respect before I invest in a cookbook?”

She narrows her eyes, a mischievous glint forming. "Respect? Sure, right after you learn to pick up your socks from the living room. Or did you think the 'floor monster' would get them?"

He throws his head back, almost hilariously hitting the edge of the chair. He knows he’s met his match. "Touché. I’ll get on that… right after I bake some bread. White or pumpernickel?"

"You know I love your pumpernickel. What a bitch," she mutters, relenting with a frown on her face.

"I heard that, honey," he says in a low, affectionate voice.

"Good!"

And thus ended their roast battle. You can bet Kento had their house smelling like warm bread and butter.

She’ll get him next time, right?

Probably not.

You see that? He's already thinking of more comebacks. How she keeps her shoes strewn all around? Check. How she clogged the shower drain a total of 15 times in the past two weeks? Check. Don't even get him started on her cooking. Oh god, someone call 911. Food poisoning for you, you, and yes, you too!

[puzzled-pegasus]

wof headcanons but theyre oddly food and substance related for some reason

Although I understand why Tui didn't include very much info abt alchohol or drugs in a kids book there is an extreme lack of culinary related world building so here are some ideas I had while on this train of thought :)

SeaWings tend to be foodies and are generally given cooking classes in school. Which if you think about it, is rather important, because like 60 percent of the creatures in the ocean are poisonous and the rest have parasites and nasty germs so they need to know whats up when it comes to food safety.

SeaWings use a lot of citrus in their food and drinks and they also use it for fragrances and stuff they just really like it

SeaWing nobles commonly eat fugu and there have been assassinations where a chef was bribed to not properly take out the poison so the dragon eating it would die

SeaWings drink to taste. SkyWings drink to forget what century it is.

SkyWings typically eat their meat raw but on special occasions they will barbecue it and put some spices n stuff on it. They don't eat much else besides meat but they do like spicy things like peppers and they also like strong onion or garlic flavors. The little masochists. Anyway,

SkyWings don't really like sweet things and many of them can't even taste them so they're like wtf is a dessert

man do they love them some olives tho. Olives everywhere. In their drink. Out of the jar. On their meat. Oil on their scales. Oil in their hygiene products. They started trading them from the Sand and SeaWings millennia ago but theyve selectively bred ones that grow in the mountains

This one's more drugs than food but SkyWings will sometimes take some kind of stimulant before battle like a beserker so they're all fired up heheh

MudWings are excellent meal preparers and sibs like to all cook together so they'll make a big pot of stew or something

They like bread and desserts, they have easy access to sugar cane being along the east coast and they also use a lot of honey. They're re into canning stuff too, they have a lot of raspberries and blackberries and strawberries in their temperate forest areas and they grow them to make jam and wine and they use honey to make mead

basically they are Cottagecore(TM) and I love them

They also eat lots of freshwater fish and crawfish and whatnot

And they also eat a lot of tatoes

Vanilla grows in the swamps, they use that in their cakes

MudWings deserve some appreciation goddamnit their kingdom is biologically diverse and beautiful

SandWings have tequila because. Yknow. Cactus.

They eat a lot of bugs and lizards, they don't really need to eat every day so it's not a huge deal

they do like coconuts tho and they use coconut oil in a lot of their hygiene products as well as in their cooking

They deep fry a lot of shit. Idk where i got this but trust me. They love things with lots of fat in it bc they need all they can get

Really sticky sweet desserts and candy; enjoyers of those one lollipops with the mealworms or whatever tf in them

also canning stuff like bone broth is very important

pickled cactus as well

rhey probably have a festival when cactus fruit goes in season

what even is IceWing cuisine.

Well way up north where there's nothing but ice it's pretty bad and the dragons have to eat just plain ass meat and seafood, but down into the tundras there's some pretty good stuff like cinnamon, pines for tea, honey berries, and other foraging as well as more diversity of meats

They would probably eat sushi

All the other tribes like to make fun of them and rightfully so bc their food is so plain

they make good honey berry wine tho

Maube that's why theyre so damn grumpy

RainWings are expert foragers ofc but they don't really feel the need to prepare their food in any way

They are, however, in constant dire need of sodium because they get absolutely none from their fruit

So anything salty is wow

Maybe rhey have a place near the mud kingdom border where they can grow some asparagus for salt

they are also the only tribe besides Night that can eat chocolate but forgor 💀 how to make it so the NightWings and them have to re figure it out together

Salted dark chocolate bing bang boom instant delicacy

NightWings used to be able to cook really well, especially desserts and pastry, but they forgor while they were trying to not die on the volcano

[anonymous-dentist]

Part Four of the Catboy in the Village AU

Part: One | Two | Three

-

Growing up on the battlefield, Cellbit's meals consisted of two things: cold mushroom soup, and unseasoned human flesh. No set times, only eating when he had managed a kill. It was a reward: no killing, no eating. Simple, and very effective at turning him into the monster he would grow up to be.

Prison meals were scheduled... more or less. During the second guard's shift outside of his cell, he would be given half a loaf of bread and a rusty metal cup of browned water. That was all he got, because he didn't deserve any more.

Now? Cellbit has gotten soft. His husband likes to cook, and it turns out that Cellbit likes to watch his husband cook. If he's in the kitchen when Roier is, he isn't walking away hungry, and it took the first two years of their marriage for Cellbit to get used to it.

The castle, though. The castle is worse.

Mealtimes are strictly scheduled. Breakfast is at eight in the morning. Lunch is at one in the afternoon. Dinner is at seven. If Cellbit and Roier aren't in attendance, they're to be dragged to the table kicking and screaming.

The food isn't even that good. It tastes like the sweat and blood of the poor oppressed farmers being forced to work for a monarchy that would happily throw them face-first into another war should one start. It's probably poisoned, too. Worst of all, it isn't Roier's, so it's just kind of terrible by default.

So it's always as such: Cellbit and Roier sit at one far end of the table next to each other. The queen rolls her eyes and tries to start a conversation that Roier politely engages in and Cellbit ignores. Cellbit doesn't eat, not even when Roier gives him big sad eyes and does that cute pouting thing he does with the voice and the face and the everything.

Today is no different. The breakfast dish is small, because apparently the Gato Kingdom doesn't do breakfast the way they do back home in the Águila Kingdom. Açaí, sure, whatever. It isn't Roier's cooking, so Cellbit won't eat it.

Roier does the little pouting thing, turning in his seat to face Cellbit and hooking both his hands over Cellbit's forearm. His eyes get huge, and his face gets sad, and he's so cute, Cellbit's heart might burst!

"Gatinho, come on!" he whines. His head tilts, awww. "You're going to starve to death, and you won't even be a handsome corpse. You'll be all-"

He bugs his eyes out and practically unhinges his jaw as he makes an utterly visceral groaning-choking-rasping-moaning sound.

The knights at the door all exchange disturbed looks.

Cellbit wants to kiss his husband now.

So he does. He takes Roier's chin in his hand, and he pulls him in for a kiss that Roier comes away from moaning sinfully enough to make a cleric drop dead.

Cellbit swipes his thumb under Roier's bottom lip, raises his hand to cup Roier's cheek.

"You make the sweetest noises," Cellbit sighs. He smiles as Roier rolls his eyes.

He turns his gaze from his husband to his so-called "sister", who looks two seconds away from coughing up her açaí.

"Speaking of noises," he says, "when were you going to tell us that our prison is haunted?"

Sensing a lost capital-'M' Moment, Roier grumbles and turns back to his breakfast. Per his request, he's gotten a plate of eggs and a small bowl of fruits to eat alongside his açaí. It's not quite breakfast like it is at home, but, well. Nothing about the Gato Kingdom is like it is at home, and it sucks.

The queen's spoon scrapes harshly against the bottom of her bowl as her arm jerks. Some of her açaí splashes up over the edge of her bowl and lands on the lap of her expensive-looking dress, good.

On a dime, all the guards in the room stand at attention. Their armor clanks, and their weapons flash rainbow in the sunlight streaming through the dining hall's enormous stained glass dome roof.

"Okay, first off, this is not a prison," the queen tensely says. She adjusts her grip on her spoon, holding it in a way that Cellbit recognizes from the way he's always held his knives. "This is a castle, and it is my home. Our home, if you ever want to consider it as such."

Cellbit nods. "Absolutely not."

"And that's fair! This is a lot for you! But it's an option for-"

"It really isn't, but this isn't about me and you. This is about whatever happened last night, because, really, if you had told me your castle was haunted, I would have been, like, ten times less likely to try and escape on the way here."

Roier nods and swallows a mouthful of papaya and covers his mouth and says, "It's true. He loves this shit. He's been trying to invent a ghost-in-a-bottle for years."

It's true. Most of Cellbit's potions are his own recipes, because most alchemical recipes require ingredients that only noblemen can afford, and he's been broke for his entire memorable life. He didn't care that he married rich, he didn't want to use Roier or his family's money just for potion ingredients. He can trap faerie essence in bottles for a quick dash of healing, why can't he trap ghosts? It's the next step, obviously.

"And I'm going to," Cellbit insists. "I just need more time!"

"Yeah, well, you've got all the time in the world now," Roier says. "You know. Because you're kidnapped."

He gives the queen a pointed look.

The queen looks two seconds from shoving her spoon into her own eye. Maybe she should do it, it would be more interesting than yet another argument about the lost prince.

She slowly lets out a very, very stressed-sounding breath. And then she smiles, all teeth, fangs and all. (Lucky. Cellbit had his fangs filed down in prison upon being arrested.)

"You like ghosts?" she asks. "Me, too! We have an entire section in the library on the paranormal. I can show you later, if you want."

Oh, ew.

Cellbit feigns interest. He leans forward in his chair and forces his ears to perk up and swivel in her direction.

"Oh, really?" he asks. "You'll have to take me there! And then I can take one of those books and break your skull open with it."

He smiles, all teeth.

The queen's face falls into frustration. Her ears turn to the side; aggression.

"Oh, fuck you!" she snaps. "I'm trying here!"

Cellbit drops his own enthusiastic expression and sneers, slumping back into his seat. His ears turn to the side; aggression.

"Nobody asked you to," he says. "You could let us go right now and we'd all be much happier, I think."

"I can't!" she shouts. She stands, eyes blazing. Her hands slam down on either side of her bowl hard enough to shake the whole table. "You are so stupid!"

Oh, so she's allowed to be angry?

Not to be outdone, Cellbit jumps to his feet and grabs Roier's spoon right out of his hand and stabs it into the table so forcefully it sticks straight up when he lets go.

"I'm stupid?" he laughs. He shakes his head, bares his teeth. "You're the one chasing ghosts, and not even the right ones! Your castle is fucked, and you're more caught up in your dead brother than the demon possessing your house!"

Roier's eyes widen. "Demon? What the fuck?"

"My brother is not dead!" the queen argues. "But he might as well be! He was a genius, and you're- you're just stupid! No wonder it took you so long to break out of prison, you had to wait for someone to think of a way out!"

Cellbit's ears ring. He can't see- is the room shrinking, is that it?

His hands twitch by his sides, long-lost claws flexing.

The queen sniffs and turns to leave.

"I'm going to solve the enigma myself," she snaps. "Since you're too stupid to do it, apparently."

Roier makes some little sound, but Cellbit can't hear it above the noise in his ears.

"You miss your brother so badly, huh?" he feels his mouth say. "Well! Why don't you just fucking join him?"

He's moving before he remembers how, and he's on the floor beneath Roier's body within seconds.

Cellbit screams and claws at the floor and reaches for the retreating form of the queen, and- oh, his face is wet, he can feel it as Roier flips him over onto his back and cups his cheeks firmly.

"Cellbo," Roier says, "enigma, Cellbit. Enigma do Cellbit. Okay? No murder, we can't go to jail. We have to get Richarlyson. And Pepito. Can't do that in jail, right?"

Cellbit's hands scramble to hold Roier's wrists.

"I hate her," he hoarsely says.

Roier nods. "Me, too. She sucks. But. Enigma. There's a mystery, yes? And she thinks you're too dumb to solve it, but we know she's wrong. You can kill her, but that'll be it. But if you prove her wrong, you can do that twice."

Twice. He isn't the prince. And he isn't stupid.

Cellbit sniffs and nods. "I'm- she's stupid. I told her she's stupid. She's too caught up in her own shit. Not very queen-like."

"Nah, she's bad at this," Roier agrees. His thumbs brush the angry tears out from under Cellbit's eyes. "But... so what? When you prove her wrong and we get to go, we'll never have to see her again."

He leans in close and whispers against Cellbit's lips, "We'll get to go home."

Cellbit's eyes flutter shut.

But:

"You're just manipulating me," he mumbles.

"Is it working?"

"...Yeah."

"Good."

'Good', indeed.

But Roier does have a point. Murder would feel good for the moment, but Cellbit would rather die than see his husband behind bars. And. And he needs his kids, he misses them so much.

So. No murder.

But there is a mystery or two at play.

One: why is the queen so convinced that Cellbit is her lost-slash-dead brother? Who told her to look for him, and how did she find him, and how does she know so much about him?

Two: what the fuck is up with the demon in the castle? Because it has to be a demon, no ghost is that powerful. Where did the demon come from, and why hasn't the queen gotten rid of it?

The queen may think that Cellbit is an idiot, but he really, really isn't. He just has a few issues. He's a genius, humble brag, he can solve these mysteries, and he will solve these mysteries. Then he and Roier can leave, and they can get their kids back from Bad, and Cellbit can be with his family again.

All he has to do is not murder the queen.

How hard can that be?

________________

To be continued

[danikamariewrites]

PT2 to bring Feysands housewife, HOSTING FAMILY DINNERS WITH THE INNER CIRCLE 🤭😱 everyone praising you for your cooking, making the living room all cozy for game night, blankies, pillows, candles EVERYWHERE I need this to be my life asap 😩😩 I’m getting worked up just thinking about it

Housewife hc pt 2

Feysand x reader

A/n: I hope you liked part 1 anon ❤️ these two were so cute I loved writing them

Warnings: suggestive at the end

Family night was one of your favorite week nights

As much as you love having Feyre and Rhys to yourself you do love spending time with everyone (even though they are at the house everyday but this is different)

Tonight is all about fun and family. No work talk, no politics, nothing but food and games exist in this little bubble you create every week

The first time family night happened after you moved in you insisted on cooking. Rhys had asked you why since the house could prepare and serve the food. You told him it was nice the house did that but you liked cooking, it felt more personal and like the meal was full of love

You go all out for these dinners too, especially on holidays

You pick the bottles of wine for the night from Rhys’s collection in the cellar

You spend all day preparing ingredients for dinner and your favorite part, dessert

Once everyone gets to the house you bring out a small appetizer that Cassian is always the first to dig in to. That male can eat and he loves your cooking

Everyone mingles giving you time to lay out everything. You announce dinner once all the dishes are steamy and set

Something you pride yourself on is a well set dining table. Rhys has such pretty plates that he keeps in an cabinet and they deserve to be used along with the matching wine glasses and silverware

Everyone thanks you for making dinner and says how delicious everything smells

Cassian and Mor always give over the top reactions to your food. Elain always compliments you too and begs you to let her cook with you so she can learn your recipes

You love sharing recipes with her, especially for the pastries she makes. That girl is a bread wizard you’ll never understand how she does it

The conversation flows with the brothers and Lucien talking about what they’ve been up to at home. Lucien has been building Elain a green house while Az has taken on the project of building Gwyn her own library/lounge

You, Feyre, Nesta, and Gwyn chat about the newest Sellyn Drake book

You even talk with Amren about a new puzzle Arian got her

You and Amren have a special relationship. Amren wasn’t sure of you and your intentions with Rhys and Feyre, especially Rhys since it’s her job to look out for him and the court. Although she scared you you always made it a point to be kind to her

Months after the war she was still complaining about how she hadn’t really found food she liked. You offered to cook for her and the room went silent. Cassian and Azriel giving you a ‘do you really want to do that’s look. Amren gave you a curious, assessing look. Like she was figuring out if you would poison her or not

You just kept giving her your little airhead smile until Amren nodded, “Fine girl. Let’s see if you can make anything I would like.” Ever since then she had been a friend. Besides Rhys and Feyre, Amren is also very protective of you

After dinner you let the house clean up. You hate doing dishes and magic can make them spotless so why not

Moving on to the high light of the night, games!

You set up the living room earlier in the day. You always have to keep Rhys and Feyre out the whole day or they’ll mess up your set up before everyone gets there

You have all the pillows you can find set up on the floor and couches along with blankets so everyone can be comfortable

The large coffee table is moved to the center of the room with the games laid out along with the after dinner wine

You usual start off with a board game in teams, all the couples together while you’re with Feyre and Rhys

If Emerie isn’t there Amren and Mor team up which usually ends with them arguing with who’s in charge of the team

Games tend to get intense, especially card games where you’re all involved

The boys take poker very seriously

Nesta cheats and then loses on purpose to drive them insane

You all lose on purpose so it’s just the boys left, watching them yell at each other like children is so entertaining

Cassian is the biggest complainer before Rhys. He claims Lucien and Azriel have unfair magical advantages that can let them see other cards

Finally, when they’ve had enough of each other and are laughing hysterically everyone mellows out

After one more drink everyone heads to their rooms and Amren heads home

The 3 of you go to your shared room and they pamper you before bed

They do your skin care routine, Feyre braids your hair, and Rhys dresses you in one of his shirts for bed

In bed Feyre and Rhys squish you between them and give you small pecks all over your face and neck and shoulders

“Dinner was wonderful darling, you always do such a good job with family nights. We can’t thank you enough.” “You’re so sweet to do this baby.” They coo at you.

You get shy and blush, trying to hide your face from them

“Hey, don’t hide from us sweet girl. We mean it, y/n. It feels like you keep this family together more than we do.” Rhys says. “Thank you. That means a lot from you two.” You kiss both of them on their cheeks before laying back down

Feyre’s hand trails up your bare leg, tracing small patterns on your thigh

You smirk at her as Rhys attaches his lips to your neck, nipping and licking at you

“I think our sweet girl deserves a reward, don’t you Feyre darling?” “She absolutely does.” She says sweetly, dipping her head to connect her lips with yours

[thestoryden]

Tied Together

Aeron Bracken x Davos Blackwood

Word Count: 1.5k

HOTD MASTERLIST / Requests: Open

A/N: I started writing this last night after I saw this piece of fanart by @buben-ustal. I didn't get this ship at first but after seeing the lovely fanart people have made and rewatching the scene, I fell in love the Romeo & Juliet vibes.

Aeron turns over under the sheets. His sweaty skin makes them cling to him. He attempts to fluff his pillow before planting his face directly in to it.

“Seven Hells!” He grumbles, “This is no use.”

He rips the sheets off and gets up from his bed. His shoulder length hair is plastered all over his neck. He grabs a comb from his dresser and begins to pull it to one side. He separates it out in to pieces and then joins them together in a single braid. He can finally fell the breeze against his neck. He breathes a sigh of relief.

He pulls on a plain shirt and a pair of trousers and fastens his sword at his side. His cloak is left behind. He leaves the small castle without a thought only the notion that he must be free from his bed.

He finds himself walking through fields upon fields till he ends up at the boundary stones. In his exhaustion, Aeron sets down his sword next to the stones before collapsing in to the grass. The grass moves in front of him as he huffs.

“What you got there?”

The voice startles him. Aeron turns to see who is speaking to him. The sliver of moonlight does not illuminate much but a round face overshadowed by dark curls.

“It’s my sword.” He replies, “I wouldn’t get any closer. I could run you through you know.”

He is greeted by a deep laugh.

“I’d like to see you try. My name’s Davos, you must be one of the hedge knights that got hired to protect the boundaries.”

Aeron straightens up, “I am no hedge knight!”

“Gods, they sent out a mere squire.” Davos questions, “That’s awful. You’re lucky a Bracken didn’t find you. They would have struck you down with out so much as asking you who you were.”

The pieces start to fall in to place, “So you’re a Blackwood then?” Aeron asks hesitantly.

“Rightly speaking, yes I am,” Davos says as he plops down next to Aeron, “I haven’t won my knighthood quite yet, so we are in the same boat.”

Aeron freezes. Idiot, he thinks, You strolled your stupid self right in to the enemies arms.

Davos opens up his satchel and pulls out some bread and a wax wrapped cheese.

“Bet that knight of yours sent you off without so much as dinner.” He remarks.

Aeron had skipped dinner and his mouth waters as the sight of the loaf in Davos’ hand. He tries to stay silent unsure of what to do next, but his body betrays him. His stomach grumbles and his cheeks heat up at the sound. Davos can see his face turn pink.

“That’s all right.” Davos says as he tears the bread in to, “We can share this, and then head back to the kitchens if its not enough.”

He hands one half to Aeron and does the same with the cheese he sliced in half. Aeron lets the tension go from his body as he accepts the food. He sniffs it.

“Is it poisoned?” Aeron asks with suspicion.

 Davos looks at him and tilts his head, “Now why would I do that?”

“I have heard rumors…” Aeron trails off.

Davos laugh, “Wow. Those Brackens really will say anything about us. No, it isn’t poisoned.”

Aeron relents and finally begins to eat. He pauses at the first bite to see if anything will happen. Davos gives him a playful push.

“If you are that unsure you can swap pieces with me.”

Aeron shakes his head, “That’s quite all right. Thanks for the food, I’m Aeron by the way.”

He makes his way through his halves of the food before he realizes his thirst. He turns to Davos.

“Do you have anything to drink?”

Davos hands him a water skin. Aeron takes a long draft.

“Woah, slow down there.” Davos chides, “You’ll drown if you drink that fast.”

He laughs as he passes the water skin back to Davos.

“I will have you know Davos Blackwood, that I am an excellent swimmer.” Aeron boasts, “You need not worry yourself with my drowning.”

Davos smirks, “Prove it then, I’ll bet you my dagger that you can’t beat me in a race to the mill.”

“Upstream?” Aeron questions.

“What? Don’t think you can handle it, there’s barely any current.” Davos taunts.

Aeron grins, “Oh you’re on!”

They race together to the water’s edge and strip down to their undergarments. Aeron jumps in first the cool water washing over him.

“It’s freezing.” He squeals.

Davos comes in after him, “Gods! You were right it is cold.”

Aeron begins to undo his braid. He runs his fingers through his hair and moves it to the back of his head trying to tie it off. His grasp keeps slipping.

“Hey, Davos,” He asks, “Would you mind tying my hair back.”

Davos looks at him, “What, worried it will slow you down.”

“Whatever, I can beat you at any race.” Aeron snarks back.

Davos waves him off with a laugh, “Come over here I’ll fix it.”

Aeron turns his back to him. Davos brushes his fingers over Aeron’s neck and gently gathers up the hair in to one hand. He ties it off neatly.

“How’s that Aeron?” Davos asks softly.

He reaches back to feel if its secure and accidentally brushes his fingers over Davos hand. Aeron retracts his touch quickly.

“I-It-It will work fine.” He says shakily.

Aeron takes a step away from him. He turns to Davos. The lack of light makes Davos’ eyes black as pitch. Aeron can’t help but look. The way his dark curls frame his face. His lips look soft and they fit his face perfectly. Davos pauses when he catches Aeron’s look. His soft blonde hair reflecting the little moon light there is. Davos averts his gaze.

Davos breaks the silence, “Let’s get on with it, we haven’t got all night.”

Aeron comes back to reality.

“Okay on my mark,” Aeron says, “Ready, set, go!”

They cut through the water. Stoke after stroke getting closer to the windmill. The stream has little pull against them. Davos goes up for air, only to see Aeron a length ahead of him. He makes quick work of the distance between them. When Aeron surfaces, he can see the base of the mill clearly. He pushes himself harder trying to reach it. He resurfaces only to see Davos already at the mill just barely out of reach.

“I freaking did it!” Davos cheers.

Aeron swims up to him and playfully shoves him, “Alright, so you’re a better swimmer, so what.”

“So, I won! Which means…” He draws off, “I get to keep my dagger…Wait you didn’t even bet anything.”

“Well, I didn’t really have anything to bet. Besides my sword…would you perhaps want something else…” Aeron pauses.

“What about,” Davos breathes, “A kiss?”

Aeron stands shocked, “A kiss?”

“Yeah, it’s meaningful, and something you can give away.” Davos replies.

Aeron fumbles, “I mean, I guess it works…I just hadn’t thought about it.”

Davos approaches him and reaches out to pull him in. He sets his hands on Aeron’s waist. He closes his eyes. Aeron cups Davos’ face in his hands and brings him in closer. Aeron shuts his eyes and moves in pressing his lips to Davos’. He misses a little bit and only feels Davos top lip. With a small laugh Aeron works his way down till he can feel more of Davos’ mouth. He presses in and Davos parts his lips in response. He drags his tongue across Aeron’s sealed lips. Aeron pulls back flustered.

Davos flickers his eyes open, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“You didn’t,” Aeron replies, “I just wasn’t expecting that.”

Davos tilts his head to the side, “You’ve never kissed anyone before?”

“Well, now I have!” Aeron pitches back, “And I don’t know what all the fuss what about!”

Davos sets his hand gently against Aeron’s burning cheek, “Close your eyes, and I’ll show you what all the fuss is about.”

“Okay, but I doubt it will change my mind.”

Aeron squeezes his eyes shut. Davos pulls him in close so that Aeron can feel his warmth. Davos gently places his lips to Aeron’s. He moves slowly. Pulling back before kissing Aeron’s jaw and then his neck before biting down gently on his collar bone. Davos comes back to Aeron’s lips and kisses them softly. Aeron parts his lip tasting Davos’ kiss. Davos pulls back.

“Does that change your mind?” Davos teases.

Aeron smiles, a bit dazed, “Something like that.”

Davos splashes him with water, “Come on sleepy head come back to the world of the living.”

“We should do this again sometime,” Aeron laughs, splashing him back.

The haul themselves out of the water to dry off. Aeron lays his head against Davos’ folded legs.

Aeron sighs, “I could do this all night.”

“Do what?” Davos asks with a half grin. “Be with you.” He replies softly.

[ladykissingfish]

*Kakuzu wakes up in bed, feeling disoriented and groggy*

Kakuzu: What the — *groans and touches his forehead, where he discovers a cloth bandage* What the hell is this?

*Hidan walks into the room with a tray*

Hidan: Holy shit … you’re awake!

Kakuzu: H-Hidan? What happened? Why do I feel so strange?

Hidan: First of all, lay back down, old bastard. You ain’t been very well. You don’t remember what happened when we came back from that mission?

Kakuzu: No?

Hidan: *sets down the tray and kneels on the floor by Kakuzu’s pallet, sighing*

Hidan: We came back, and I told you that your skin was like, turning fuckin’ green. You said it was fine and that you just needed a bath. You got through the doorway, and out of no where you just passed out. Your big stupid head hit that table in the hall, that’s why you got a bandaid. Seriously ‘Kuzu you need to lose some weight, it took four of us to drag your ass in here! You —

Kakuzu: *closing his eyes* Just get to the point, brat.

Hidan: Anyways, puppet-dick looked at ya and took some blood and shit and he said you were poisoned. Probably that guy who gave us the bread when you dropped your bounty off to him. I TOLD you that fucker looked like a shitty asshole! That’s why I didn’t eat MY bread, but your cheap ass blows a fuse about “wasting food” and —

Kakuzu: Hidan.

Hidan: Right. So puppet-dick made ya some kinda antidote but he said it’d make you sleep for a while, til your body got rid of the fever or something. You been in here, being a pain in the ass, for almost a week.

Kakuzu, muttering: I’ve been out a week? Good lord … wait. These aren’t the clothes I was wearing before, right? Did you … did you change me?

Hidan, blushing and scowling: It ain’t a big deal, bastard. I’ve just been giving you little washings and I changed your dirty-ass clothes. So what?

Kakuzu: *looks at the tray and sees it contains a bowl of broth*

Kakuzu: Have … you been feeding me, as well?

Hidan:  … What? I was supposed to just let your dumbass starve to death?

Kakuzu: *is momentarily stunned silent at the implication that HIDAN has been taking care of him*

Kakuzu, managing to sit up and clearing his throat: That looks really good, and I’m hungry. My arms still feel a little weak; can you help me?

Hidan, blushing harder than ever: Y-yeah. I mean I guess since you’re old and weak I have no choice. *dishes up a spoonful of broth* Open wide, bastard.

*Hidan feeds Kakuzu quietly for a while*

Kakuzu, smiling: This is good. Konan is a fine cook.

Hidan: Tsk; I made this, asshole.

Kakuzu, surprised: You did? On your own?

Hidan: You say that like I’m stupid or something. Yeah, on my own. I made a roast and then strained it and added cream so that you could swallow. If there’s any left, when ya get better we can eat the actual meat. You —

Kakuzu: *reaches out and pulls Hidan into his arms, cradling him against his chest*

Hidan: O-Oi! Hey! Let go of me, old man!

Kakuzu: *ignores Hidan and kisses the top of his head* I love you, you insufferable brat.

Hidan: *smirks and allows himself to relax in Kakuzu’s arms* Love you too, you shitty old bastard.

Kakuzu: I’m a shitty bastard, eh? Well you know what? Your God is fake and your beliefs are garbage.

Hidan: Your money won’t last and your greed will send you to burn in hell for all eternity.

Kakuzu, pulling off Hidan’s shirt: Burn with me.

*the two start making out in-between trading more cutting insults*

Deidara, coming into the room with medicine sent from Sasori: God damn what the fuck is wrong with you two, hm?!

[jpitha]

Contests

The humans make everything a contest.

Everything.

Mal'zamar was moving down the hall towards the engine room. It was xer turn to take a shift monitoring the Flip drive for any anomalous readings. Xe had to admit the human's Flip drive was far more powerful than the limited Flashwarp that the rest of the Community used, but it was annoying that someone basically had to be watching it all the time so that it didn't "get out of line." Xe still didn't know what the humans meant when they said that, but they insisted that the drive had to be monitored at all times.

As xe passed the humans common room - every Community species had a common room set to their own environmental preferences - xe heard the commotion. Mal peeked in and saw three humans sitting at a table. All three had stripped their outer integrements off to the centers of their body, and their skin was moist from their bizzare active cooling systems. In front of each person was a small white plate, and on each plate was a single Elmar Pepper.

Mal'zamar's feathers rippled a shudder. Xe had little experience with humans before this tour and had never realized they were so... moist. Jenny from engineering noticed Mal standing at the doorway and waved. "Mal'zamar! Come in! Eva, Anya and Kellan are trying to see who can eat the spiciest food without making a face."

Mal's face feathers bristled. Xer face looked twice the size it normally did. "They're what?"

"Ever since we found out that your species consumes fruits with an analog to capsaicin, we've been excited to try them and see how spicy they are! Reg was able to pick up 4 different varieties of Elmar Peppers, and Eva, Anya, and Kellan all declared they could take the heat the most. Nobody could decide, so we're having a contest to see who can take the heat.

Mal's species is similar - though not exactly the same - as the group of animals on Earth known as Birds. Mal'zamar cannot fly, though the religious texts say at one point deep in the past they could; xe doesn't really believe that though. Xe never really followed the popular religion. One thing that is similar between Mal's species and Earth birds is the fact that neither can taste or process capsaicin - one of the things that taste 'spicy' to Humans.

The 'spice' had evolved to make the fruits unpalatable to mammals and similar creatures, so that only birds ate the fruit and spread the seeds wide. Humans decided they liked the poison and bread theirs to produce more.

With the Elmar, the fruits that had more of their analog to capsaicin had a pleasing color, so they were bred to have more of the chemical. They could taste no difference in the high capsaicin fruits compared to the low capsaicin fruits.

Jenny turned back to the group at the table. She raised her hands for silence and the entire room fell silent. "On three, each of you will take the pepper and take one bite. You will chew and swallow the bite entirely and whoever reacts, loses. If, after 2 milliunits (about half a human minute) you do not make a face, you take another bite. Whoever can eat the most without making a face wins. Are the instructions understood?"

Kellan, Anya and Eva nod silently, not looking at Jenny.

"Aaaand, Go!"

With almost religious reverence, each picks up the pepper and takes a bite. Mal'zamar notices they are quite a pleasing deep purple color. They are a recent cultivar and quite popular among the Elmar lately. Xe imagines that means they must contain quite a lot of capsaicin.

One milliunit after the first bite, Kellan breaks. His face contorts into a horrified grimace, as if only now he realizes what he has done. He slaps the table once, and jumps up, running to a glass containing a white liquid on a rear table. There are jeers and laughs from the watchers.

Mal is invested now. Xer shift forgotten, Xe watches the contest. Eva and Anya lock eyes, staring at each other. They chew and swallow without flinching. Methodically, they pick up the pepper and take another bite, and another, and another. Mal can see that Eva's active cooling is working harder than Anyas, but Anya's face is more flushed.

Finally, there is one bite of pepper left. As they reach for it, Anya's hands tremble, but her face remains placid. Eva picks it up and pops the rest into her mouth, chewing and swallowing. Anya puts it to her lips and shakes her head. She puts it down and gets up to get the drink from the rear table. "Okay, you win Eva, that's too spicy for me. It has a really nice flavor though. Fruity with a heat the builds and builds. We should try and make some chili with it."

Grinning widely, Eva gets up and gets her drink as well. "Making chili with those would be a waste. Those should be in a curry."

Mal'zamar notices there are still some peppers left on the table. "Can, I have one?" Xe looks at Jenny.

"Sure, but we have to warn you they're pretty-" Before she can finish Mal takes one and pops it into xer mouth, whole. Chewing thoughtfully she looks at Eva and xer feathers ripple satisfaction. "These are quite nice. Did you buy any more? I could make you pepper sauté, like the Elmar do."

Eva and Anya perk up at the mention. "We'd love that Mal! We could have a rematch!"

[strictlyfavorites]

They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken & sold to the tannery. If you had to do this to survive you were "piss poor."

But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot; they "didn't have a pot to piss in" & were the lowest of the low.

The next time you are washing your hands & complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s.

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by June. Since they were starting to smell, however, brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women, and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it . . . hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!"

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof, resulting in the idiom, "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed, therefore, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, leading folks to coin the phrase "dirt poor."

The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way, subsequently creating a "thresh hold."

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while, and thus the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the "upper crust."

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up, creating the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive, so they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer.

And that's the truth. Now, whoever said History was boring?