#Don't get me wrong - in many aspects she's a wonderful and loving mother. She was able to accept my gay nephew...

[stargazerlillian]

Dreamt last night that my mother bought me a pride flag for me to hang on my wall... took me 10 straight minutes after waking up to remember that I tried to come out/explain my orientation to her twice over 8 years ago and she didn't believe me.💔

[mybworlds]

CHAPTER 20: EPILOGUE

status: completed

pairing: joel miller x f!reader

summary: your life is full of 'must'. You live with your overprotective mother who controls every aspect of your life. You have a dream, to write romance novels, but love - real love - you haven't found yet. Your mother has even decided what you must do in your free time: play music. One day, however, when you go to your music teacher's house, you will have an unexpected encounter and from that day on things change…

Masterlist

rating: 18+ explicit (minors, DNI)

Before to start... I got chills, this is the end. And. . . I don't know how to feel, I just want to thank you for everything. It means a lot to me ❤️

Thanks @vase-of-lilies for the banner and thanks @saradika-graphics for the divider.

Taglist: @harriedandharassed

It has been five years since you left your small town, your home, your mother and her crazy beliefs, Joel.

Even though you're almost on the other side of the country, you've never stopped thinking about him, but most of all you've wondered what it would have been like if you hadn't seen that memorial plaque and opened that door, Joel wouldn't have yelled at you, he wouldn't have insulted you, he wouldn't have looked at you with those eyes wide open full of hatred, but now what's the point of thinking about it?

“I hate you, get out, I don't ever wanna see you again!” he thundered at you, you still remember his trembling voice and your eyes filled with tears at what you found out, at his lack of openness to you and his words.

You open the window of your hotel room, the warm air gently brushes your face and hair, you light a cigarette.

You inhale and think back to how naive you were, how the you of five years ago believed in certain things, in many wrong ideals, how you believed that love could overcome any obstacle. However, as you think back to that, you also think that basically it was love with all its nuances that brought you here, today in Seattle, where he had sort of directed you, to present your first book, the publisher even told you that if you keep it up you might win the best first-time writer award, not the Pulitzer Prize as he had joked, but it's a start.

You take another shot, you're a bit nervous, you've prepared a little monologue, you've chosen to wear a blue jacket with a shirt and jeans underneath to break it up, you don't want to look older than you are, and most of all you want to be yourself.

The book kept its original title “Bittersweet,” but unlike your ending, the one in the book after a bad fight had the two main characters reconciled within two days. He reached her before she left and asked her to stay with him, and she, precisely because she loved him above all else, stayed with him. The publisher loved that bullshit.

You remember writing it in the hope that you could experience that moment yourself, what would you have done if he had caught up with you? If perhaps as you were climbing the last steps of the plane, he had managed to reach you and begged you to stay and not leave?

You smile bitterly, you will never know. He did not come, he let you leave, he let time come between you, let silence come between you. So many times you typed his number and then deleted it, so many times you wrote long messages to send him and then trashed them, so many times you listened to his vowels again so as not to forget his voice.

Will he ever have done the same? Or will he have even deleted those few photographs of you from his cell phone? Will he have completely erased you from his life?

You swallow, you miss him.

You can tell yourself that he had a overreaction, that he was an asshole for never really trusting you, for not being honest with you, but the truth is that you can't think of him with hatred, you think of him often and never with hatred, but with regret.

You think if you hadn't snooped around in that room, he would still be with you today and you would still be at home with him, he would never have kicked you out of his house, he would never have yelled at you, he would never have vomited all those horrible things at you, he would never have called you busybody, you know he didn't mean it. You're sure he said it in anger, and when you're angry you say the worst nastiness, but later he could have called you back and asked to see you and talk about it, instead nothing, silence, a deafening useless immense silence that hurt you even more.

Leaving seemed like the best thing, the cure, but putting hundreds of miles between you, it didn't make you feel better: it certainly helped you realize your big dream, it introduced you to a lot of interesting people, but you lost the most important person to you.

You can't deny that you've also had other boyfriends throughout this time, but nothing serious. A couple were just one-night stand, then there was another, but even with him you've been for a short time, not because you didn't like him, on the contrary. He was sweet and kind, understanding, but that spark that made you want to stay with him and continue on your path together not been sparked.

You put out your cigarette in the ashtray, close the window and turn on the air conditioning, take a shower and then go straight to sleep, you must be in great shape tomorrow.

When the alarm clock goes off you feel like you have been asleep for five minutes, you feel tired and you would not want to show up for that meeting you yourself must preside over for your official debut.

The room they have set aside for you is a nice, quiet little place, characterized by exposed wooden beams with steel tie rods on the sides that give space and light to the room, there are several bookcases on either side of the meeting room and then a small stage with a desk and three chairs, one is for you, another for a woman in her fifties who acts as moderator and one more for your publisher, in front are a dozen rows of chairs. When you arrive there is already someone seated who warmly smile at you and you nervously return the smile, copies of your book are stacked on a small trolley at the side of the stage and then a copy for you on the desk ready to read some excerpts at the end of the presentation. You go to sit in the center, immediately joined by one of the Library staff who asks if you need anything besides the water she brought you, you shake your head thanking her.

Slowly, and unexpectedly, the room fills up, the editor just barely squeezes your arm with an encouraging smile sensing your nervousness, then whispers in your ear, "It's going to be okay." you smile tightening your lips nodding, then take a deep breath and look towards the audience, "Good morning everyone! " you greet and are immediately greeted by everyone in the audience, then the moderator takes the floor and introduces you, you lower your gaze for a moment nervously clasping your hands, then you hear the woman conclude by saying, "Well, I'll leave the floor to you now, more applause." you smile then say, "Thank you Becca for what you said, you are so dear. When I started writing, I had a stone age computer!" you make a joke and smile "Not everyone approved of my need to write, to tell the reality around me or sometimes to read it and narrate it as I hoped it would be. " you swallow feeling your throat dry, you take a deep breath "Then, someone one day..." your breath stops as your eyes set on the last person you thought you would see at your introduction, you almost open your lips wide in amazement, it's Joel, he's there, standing at the back of the room.

Someone coughs, someone looks in the direction of your gaze, you clear your throat realizing that you need to start talking again "Um... sorry, as I was saying, um... someone gave me a computer one day, a decent computer with which I was finally able to write as and how much as I wanted, he never stopped me from writing, in fact, he even lent me his house so that he could help me write! " you exclaim, then look up at him and lower your gaze "And I snooped around his house in return," you whisper, losing yourself for a moment in that memory, in those angry eyes and at the memory of those hands that yanked you and almost threw you out of that room.

Your editor coughs "Yes, um...what our brilliant writer wants to say is that..."

You resume "What I want to say is that if I hadn't had that person's help," and this time you look intentionally toward Joel "I wouldn't be here today, if it weren't for him I would never have started writing the first draft of Bittersweet, I wouldn't have met you today; so, I say to that person thank you" then you go back to look at your small audience as well "and thank you if you'd like to read me, thank you. " a shy applause rises in the room and you smile quickly at the audience, but then turn your attention immediately to Joel, wearing a pair of faded jeans and a black t-shirt.

Your heart is pounding, oh how you missed him!

The editor says your name, "Would you like to read us an excerpt?"

"Sure," you reply, opening the book at a point you had already chosen, and now that Joel is there, it seems more than appropriate that he listens, you clear your throat "She had never believed that her handsome prince, the man who had rescued her, discovered her, helped her, healed her, loved her, could suddenly reveal himself in a nature that was entirely new and unsettling to her. His eyes became so dark that they seemed to want to swallow her, she had entered his innermost, most painful recess of his heart and had struck him so hard that the man's reaction had been to attack her in return. Ella could not believe that she had been so wrong, that she had not understood the man she had been with at all, and yet the man's violent reaction had just told her to flee, to go away from him, because he doesn't want her there, in that place, she's the wrong person to be able to share this secret with him. Oh, how much pain Ella felt, she trembled for a day and a night," out of the corner of your eye you catch a movement, you look up and Joel is gone, maybe you hit the nail, maybe you were wrong again, you don't know. The fact is, he's gone, turning his back on you. Again.

The presentation is ruined, yes the audience applauds you and the publisher applauds you too, you smile, but inside you feel dead, wrong, humiliated, still. You sign at least forty copies, and part of you hopes that he is also in line to get his book signed, but he is not there. He couldn't have been a hallucination, right?

Your editor walks you to the car giving you lots of compliments again, smiles at you, has encouraging words and indeed tells you that for your next writings, he will be there, you can only be glad, you need an ounce of support from someone. You then get into your car and drive back to your hotel, you think back to his dark eyes, his now very visible wrinkles, his slightly longer patchy beard with a few gray hair, his broad shoulders, you think about how you wished that, at the end of the presentation, he was there outside at the library and hugged you apologizing and asking you not to leave each other again. You are a fool, you think, wiping away the tears blurring your vision.

In the lobby, however, you find another surprise that is very welcome to you, your three wacky friends are there now more mature - perhaps - but certainly changed as well, but still so cheerful, exuberant and always knowing how to bring good cheer, even on the darkest and saddest of days. They hug you, ask for your autograph, take a lot of selfies and post your photos on social media with the strangest and most curious hashtags that, however, end up making you quite clicked and searched for on your Instagram pages. You tell everything you missed about each other, about your happy moments and sad ones, they update you about their private lives and their small successes in the everyday, you are happy for them, for all of them.

And you? Are you happy for yourself?

When it is now almost midnight, you say goodbye to them, they have not found a place in your hotel, but in one a few blocks from it and so after a long silent hug you say goodbye and they leave, you ask for the key to your room and slowly walk up the stairs, you don't want to take the elevator, you need to walk and when you reach the hallway, you find someone you didn't think you would see again in the same day, Joel.

He is leaning against the wall next to your room, he looks up, and you find your eyes bore into him at a very short distance apart. You haven't seen him so closely in so long, and for one long moment you feel like that time never really passed. You find yourself swallowing hard and moving closer, you lower your gaze only to insert the key in the lock of the room, then you look up again "What are you doing?" you ask him.

"I wanted to talk to you," he replies.

"Now?" you question.

"It's important," he says, moving away from the wall.

You let your gaze wander from his dark eyes to his full, soft lips, then lift it back to his eyes "I don't think I want to listen to you right now," you say, opening the door.

"No, now!" he exclaims putting a hand on your forearm "Please " he adds in a softer tone.

Your heart beats hard in your chest, you are about to say yes to him, but then you reconsider "No, you waited five years, you can wait until morning and now leave me!" you exclaim releasing from his grip and entering the room. You make to immediately close the door behind you, but Joel resists by pushing the door and entering, you take a few steps back as he closes the door behind him.

Joel sighs, then looks into your eyes murmuring your name, your heart beating wildly in your chest as you look at him with sad eyes, shaking your head "I wish... I wish that... that - but what the hell do you want from me now? Why now?" you feel the blood boiling in your veins, the pain, the bitterness, the shame, the sense of emptiness all pour out at once and lead you to hit Joel full in the chest, you push him, you give him a series of repeated punches on his mighty chest, and you find yourself repeating aloud, "Why? Why? Why?" your eyes fill with tears.

Joel places his hands on yours stopping them and engulfing between his own, "Please, baby, listen to me, please," he begs wrapping your face in his hands and wiping away the tears that have taken flight down your cheeks "You have no idea how sorry I am, baby girl, I'm so sorry, please forgive me."

"Why did you wait five years? Five years, not five days or five weeks, but five years, you abandoned me, you allowed me to live alone, you made me feel stupid, I felt..."

"Empty." he completes for you, "I've felt that way every day since my daughter's been gone, always. Then you came along and brought light and warmth and love, I felt loved, so loved, and I was a fool for not recognizing this, if you don't want anything to do with me anymore, I understand." he tells you staring into your eyes and stroking your cheeks "It'd be obvious. I wouldn't fight it or look for you anymore, but I wanted to tell you. Sorry it took me so long."

You shake your head, "You know it's too late now, right?"

He nods lowering his eyes and then raising them again, "I know." he replies, but contrary to what he just told you, he kisses you, his lips are soft against yours, and even though you told him it's too late for you, you can't help but return that kiss, you missed him too much to repress everything all the way.

"It doesn't change anything," you say resting your forehead against his "It doesn't change what you put me through, how you made me feel..." you add kissing him again and this time more impetuously "I hate you," you tell him between kisses clenching your t-shirt in your fists as he slips one hand into your hair bringing you even closer to him and with the other he encircles your waist.

"Forgive me." he sighs with his eyes closed, "No." you reply out of breath.

"I would make love to you if it wasn't too late..." he confides to you, "Yeah." you reply again raising your eyes to meet his "I would too..." you add "But I hate you..." you say again, but your tone falters.

"I love you." he tells you, moving a strand of hair behind your ear.

"I hate you." you repeat again, but in an increasingly less convinced tone.

"I love you." he repeats again.

"I--" you falter, "Joel," you whisper clutching at him and grasping in the fist of your hands his T-shirt even more forcefully as if to keep him from escaping.

"I'm here," he says under his breath, "My love."

You tighten your grip even more on his shirt, "I never stopped thinking about you," you confess to him.

"Neither have I, baby." he whispers softly "I know what I did changed our relationship forever, but..." the words die in his throat when he sees you take just a half step back and slip off your jacket and unbutton your shirt without taking your eyes off his that become, as you remembered, two dark pools in which you now just want to drown.

You remain in your bra and with your jeans still on, you move closer, it's your turn to sink your hands into his hair and kiss him, you feel him hesitantly and almost shakily place his hands on your back one at the base of your back and the other between your shoulder blades, "Babe," you coo through your lips "it won't..." you're about to say, but he lays another kiss on your lips.

"It won't happen again, I swear," he tells you, looking for your eyes, "if you still want me."

"You swear?" you ask feeling another tear take flight, so many emotions you are feeling at that moment.

"On my life. I will never, never, never leave you again." he repeats caressing one cheek and placing a kiss on the tip of your nose "I love you, darlin', forgive me, it will never happen again."

You smile, you really smile after five years, it feels as if that bitter sweet feeling that had accompanied you for five years has been washed away and serenity has returned, love in his arms, in his sweet kisses, in his caresses, you have found each other eyes to eyes and you have promised yourself that never again and for no reason in the world would you be separated from him or allow someone or something to divide you. You are together now.

[notnights]

I think abt Jax abstracting while Gangle doesn’t ( or Jax abstracting before her ) very often

Gangle is very conflicted bc like she should be somewhat happy/relived right? Jax treated her and everyone else awfully!

But she can’t help but feel awful about it. Especially because the last time she saw him before he abstracted Gangle could tell something was off as he was.. well not *nice* but he was less mean.

She tried to ask him if something was going on but he either snapped or brushed her off ( Gangle wonders if maybe if she pressed him harder he’d still be here )

There’s also the elephant in the room regarding his funeral. I can imagine there was a hefty debate on if Jax even *deserves* a funeral, in the end the funeral did happen but it was awkward and short.

This is a really great concept!

When you lose someone who's important to you but who has been awful to you is really conflicting. Even if we say Gangle hates Jax, Jax has been a constant in her life. He was there since she arrived. A part of her world is gone now even if that part was awful.

She would feel both relived and sad. And then feel guilt for feeling relived (because he was lost how could one think something like that when someone "died"), and/or feel guilt over being sad (because he was awful, why should she mourn him).

And then if we add the idea they are somewhat friends, Jax being the one that really communicates the most to her (from what we've seen so far), or even controls her, that's a big loss. She is free now, but with that comes the conflict of what does she do now? She's been following Jax's lead so long, what happens now? Feels a little lost without him. And if he was really one the only sources that really hang out and kept her company, god she'd just feel so lonely. That one constant again. Gone.

The emotional conflicts of losing an abusive loved one is very interesting to me. I always really liked that scene in Tangled when Mother Gothel falls to her death and Rapunzel actually reaches out for her. Because despite everything Gothel put her through and kept her from, she still raised her.

Anyways that tidbit is a bit of derail but just... always an interesting aspect in these kind of relationships that don't really get talked about. And it's perfectly fine to feel these ways too... understanding and knowing what they were doing to you was wrong, even never forgiven them for it. But still mourning their loss. It feels bad, conflicting, guilty but that's okay, emotions are funny like that.

Gangle dealing with that would be so interesting and sad. Worse if we add the idea she actually does care about him someway. Considers him a friend, or loves him, etc.

Worse if she knew Jax cared about her in someway too. Involving that "if she pressed, he'd still be here" idea. Jax always kept her as company, making her realize she was really the only one that could have noticed, could have helped. Even if it was just as his victim or lackey. Feels guilty that even if she's just the one that was always standing closest to him, she out of everyone should've noticed something, right? If she was something, anything, to Jax, she feels it was her responsibility to help. That eats her up even if being "something," to Jax wouldn't have changed anything.

Then at the end of this, Jax's funeral is depressing. Not for the same reasons as many others though. They don't hesitate to do it, they know they have to, Jax was still a person lost. But they didn't think that far into it, as no one really knows what to say about him. Ragatha steps up and tries to talk about him, has trouble with it. Lots of "he--- well!! Ah, Jax was..." that really ends with nothing said at all. Maybe Zooble says they'll miss him being a thorn at their side, as they can't find anything kinder to say.

Maybe Gangle decides to say something, if they were "friends," maybe she does have some interesting things to say. Maybe she just ends up standing up there and crying and sobbing in front of everybody because really what can she say? What can she do? Nobody liked him, not even she liked him, and yet she's here crying so hard she can't speak over him.

[butterflydm]

wot deeper dive 2x3: what might be

And here is my more in-depth look at the third episode, avoiding any book-related spoilers.

So the framing device for this episode is Nynaeve's testing for being Accepted -- we start when the testing starts and end when the testing finally ends for truth. This isn't the episode that takes place over the least amount of time, but it does take place over a short period of time -- Nynaeve goes in at night, the day passes while everyone (except Egwene) believes that she's dead, and then she exits the next night.

2. It cracks me up that Liandrin makes a point of mentioning that women could create ter'angreal before the Breaking. Because, yeah, Liandrin wouldn't admit in a thousand years that men might be able to do something useful (also: Liandrin hating 'men' but loving her son is actually a great example of the hypocritical nature of that kind of mindset in general; her son gets to exist outside the greater circle 'ugh men' because he is her son and special to her). I love us getting a bit of an explanation for ter'angreal, but Liandrin does crack me up. And the show does make a point of telling us that the Aes Sedai don't understand a lot about how the ter'angreal work, which sets us up for them being wrong that it's only possible for 'the way back' to come once.

3. Hmm, the White Tower waits for women to come to us (mentioned in the last episode) and we also put women out of the Tower if they can only make it through one part of the test and might need time before they face another part... I wonder why the Tower is getting emptier and emptier by the year. It's a mystery! But I do like all this exposition and it feels like it's well-placed, because Nynaeve genuinely needs the explanation. I wonder if Leane gets to be one of the people administering the test because she refused her first time, so having her there to honestly tell students that is meant to give them permission to decide they need a bit more time.

4. All of Nynaeve's tests made me cry and it definitely was starting early. Her scenes with her parents, and having to experience their deaths again was so painful! They did such a good job making her look younger/in the body of her younger self -- with her unbound hair and the style of her dress.

5. We have, here in the first test, Nynaeve bringing back crimsonthorn, which is reflecting another of Nynaeve's fears, which persists in all three tests -- her fear of being like Liandrin. "Red is dead" but a diluted version of crimsonthorn soothes pain rather than bringing death. But not all pain. It needs to be used for the right pain, we learned in the last episode. And the Red Ajah is essentially a hammer that is always looking for nails. The use of crimsonthorn in this episode feels like a mediation on moderation and picking the right tool for the job. Part of Nynaeve is sympathetic to the Red Ajah's causes in theory (being a watcher over abuses of the Power) but she is not a fan of their tactics in practice (she doesn't believe men who can channel are evil). But Nynaeve specifically having her father (a man) be the one who washes the crimsonthorn from her hands feels very pointed. "Red is dead" is something that Nynaeve is telling herself.

6. The Two Rivers continues to be a place of reversed gender roles to many traditional depictions -- Nynaeve's father is a nurturer and the one she's gotten her skill at herbalism from*, while her mother acts as the main protector of the family, using a bow against the attackers. The thread of allowing men to be caretakers is continuing strong in s2, with Rand working in the sanitarium and taking care of Errol and us seeing Nynaeve's father as the nurturing figure here.

(*though I will note that this is a key aspect of several male characters in one of the big OG western fantasy novels: LOTR, where Aragon is a nurturer/healer as well as a warrior, and we also have the hobbits, especially Sam.)

The fathers-and-daughters theme also continues strong. We have a lot of fathers and daughters so far in the series, and fathers wanting the world to be better for their daughters, specifically. Those themes are not exclusive to fathers and daughters, of course (Ila wanted a better world for her daughter) but we are getting a lot of focus on fathers and daughters and, specifically, on allowing men to be soft with their daughters and nurturing figures for them.

7. This is them continuing a story that Nynaeve originally told us in s1, so I wonder if we'll continue to learn more about it in the future -- will we ever find out who attacked the Two Rivers during this time and what their motives were? They don't look like they're wearing any kind of emblems, which makes me lean towards bandits of some kind.

8. Oof, but rewatching this made me cry again. Having to leave the people she loves behind (but they're already dead, my darling). Nynaeve trying to work out exactly how real everything was in that place. And getting 'idk?' in response from the Aes Sedai.

9. Both of the parental figures that she faces in the second test are parents of the children she believes that she's failed to protect (Rand is dead and Mat is 'who knows where') and now she can't even stay to give Tam the comfort of dying with a friendly face by his bedside. Again, heartbreaking! Again, we have the thread of the crimsonthorn, being used here to bring a peaceful death to those that can't be healed... except that Nynaeve knows that they could be healed, if only she knew how to do it. Her block makes her unable to help those she cares about. She failed Rand and now she's failed Tam too. "I may not be a Wisdom, but I'm the one who stayed," Natti says. And this also tugs on the thread that Nynaeve herself felt back in the first episode -- that Tar Valon has no interest in helping the Two Rivers or people from the Two Rivers (the story of the old Wisdom).

"This isn't your home anymore." Ouch.

10. Nynaeve copying the motions of the healing weave but not able to embrace the Power to actually use it: heartbreaking. And then lying to Tam about Rand, because she can't face the idea of telling his father that Rand is dead. And then she has to walk away from him, even as he's pleading for her to stay with him as he dies! Again, tears!

11. I love that the different jars that they use for the ritual -- one white, one black, one both -- I wonder if they remember why that would be the case or if they keep doing it because it's traditional.

12. I enjoyed the trick they played on us (it's implied that Nynaeve's third test is about her becoming Red Ajah and that leading to her killing Lan somehow) and the way she walks out on the White Tower. Our first hint that this isn't real is that there's no Elayne hovering around Egwene in Nynaeve's goodbye scene (Elayne is clearly bonding hard with Egwene and definitely would have wanted to go with her to talk to Nynaeve; she's already shown interest in meeting Nynaeve) because Nynaeve doesn't know about her! But I didn't twig to it until Lan showed up and then didn't tell her Rand was alive and instead was just like "oh yeah I can go with you to the Two Rivers". If Lan is disconnected enough from Moiraine to walk away from his duty and go with Nynaeve back to the Two Rivers, then he's disconnected enough to tell her that Rand is alive, even if he knows Moiraine might not want him to tell. But Lan can't tell her that Rand's alive! Fictional Lan doesn't know! He doesn't tell her any of the new info that Lan should be able to tell her now.

13. That being said, Nynaeve's AU version of her reunion with Lan is very sweet! And I was glad to get it even if it was very much not real.

14. The Sisters believing that Nynaeve is dead also was something that worked really well for me because it gives us so much interesting character information and motivation. This is what leads to Liandrin deciding to 'free' Mat and send him on his way with Min! It's what leads to her confrontation with Egwene! Also: Leane's disdainful look at Liandrin as she turns and walks out. Judging Liandrin hard for pushing for Nynaeve to go through the arches so quickly. And then Sheriam expressing her disappointment verbally. "I hope your conscience never lets you find peace with that. I know mine won't." And Liandrin looks close to tears here, as well (and then expresses her pain through anger, once again, by throwing the jug).

15. Ooof, Seanchan time. This is so hard to watch. The show did such a good job making them feel alien and different to the rest of the people of the show. Even Loial has never heard of them! And the helmets make them look like they are grinning (way too widely) all the time. Just seeing how clearly formalized and ritualized everything is.

That spike at the bottom of Suroth's palanquin. Yikes on bikes.

16. I am going to note that the two women who channeled the previous night are NOT the one who points out the other women who then get dragged away (unless my eyes deceive me). They specifically have a third woman who comes out and does that, which implies specializations to me.

17. The music cue for the Seanchan is so effectively creepy. And now it is time for our Cheerful Customer Service Representative to share the Good News that it is time to Update Your Oaths. That she says everything in such a pleasant way really makes the horror of everything that's happening stand out. The Shadow, before now, has operated under darkness, but this horror is happening in the broad daylight and with the attitude of complete certainty in their own rightness, despite the clear brutality on display. It works similarly to how the horror in Midsommar works, for anyone else who may have seen that movie. Brutality in broad daylight, committed by people who are convinced that they have the One Truth and that it's an honor to kill to uphold that truth.

18. It does seem pretty clear that Uno was picked out because he was noticed by one of the soldiers as behaving defiantly -- having a clear example of what happens to someone who refuses to take the oaths is probably seen as extremely useful in getting everyone else to agree. But, yeah, another scene that is difficult to watch, for sure! Suroth's smile after Uno is killed is so effectively creepy and awful.

And now Perrin & co have officially taken the oaths. I do not expect Perrin to feel at all obliged to keep his oaths but it may be useful for him that he's aware of the wording, so he can perhaps do some sneaky scouting in the future.

19. The Man's eyes are on Perrin pretty much the entire time. But, yeah, #PerrinWillNotForgetThis

20. Love Rand's scene with Logain here. Rand is trying to build up some trust with Logain before he broaches the subject of channeling but Logain already knows the score and wants them to skip to the ending, lol. Logain is aware that Rand can channel and channel strongly, so he doesn't want to waste any time on pleasantries. I also love Logain yanking Rand around and giving him a sidequest, lol.

21. We get a reminder here of how much Rand doesn't know: pretty much everyone else has more knowledge than he does right now. He doesn't know that the Dark One wasn't defeated at the Eye; he doesn't know even of the Horn of Valere's existence, let alone that Perrin is on the hunt for it (even Mat knows about that, due to Perrin's letters).

22. So Rand finds out about the queen's promise here ("half her fortune" to the one who finds the Horn and brings it to Cairhien) and then learns in the party scene coming up next that this was a dirty lie being used to get people to leave Foregate and go off somewhere, anywhere else. His time in Cairhien is Rand's first experience of class differences and the nobles are not coming off well to him at all.

23. It's pretty clear here that Rand is keeping all his 'searching out knowledge about channeling' activities a secret from Selene, which makes a lot of sense. He probably assumes that the second she finds out, she won't want to come near him. She does seem pretty happy about the idea of getting to dress Rand up in some fancier clothes.

24. Haha, I love that Elayne has no ill effects from their night of drinking together. Another little hint about her past. Her banter with Egwene is pretty adorable (before the angst comes in for Egwene when she finds out that the Sisters all believe that Nynaeve is dead).

re: fake deaths -- they really only annoy me if they're primarily for the audience. I don't mind if they're being used to push story/character forward. Here, we're shown Egwene's refusal to believe that Nynaeve could be dead vs Elayne's greater knowledge of how ter'angreal are believed to work and Tower knowledge and tradition.

25. I love that Egwene snaps at Elayne to leave here -- it's such a pure emotional reaction due to her intense grief. She's already believed Nynaeve to be lost once; she believes that Rand is gone; and now she's losing Nynaeve 'again'. It's too much and she doesn't know Elayne well enough to let her in emotionally right now.

Also, "Ny"! That's so cute.

26. Sheriam sucks at grief counseling. Egwene's friend is dead and all Sheriam can tell her is "don't burden me with your grief; grow as a person from this".

So... I wonder if Sheriam sent Nynaeve's things off to the Two Rivers this day, and all Nynaeve's stuff is already on its way by the time she comes back.

27. In addition to everything else about this scene with Liandrin and Mat, it tells us that she's able to sneak in without waking him up. I doubt that it's the first time she's done it. Also, I note that Liandrin does not tell him that Nynaeve is the one who died.

Of course, we know from the ending conversation with Min that this is not actually Liandrin 'letting him go' but her setting him up to leave with a spy in tow.

She is really really good at cutting into people with her words. Mat escaped one abusive older woman (his mom) and ended up trapped with a second one. This really was such a worst case scenario for him, in terms of grinding his feelings of failure and not being good enough into him.

28. Liandrin tries to pull her same tricks with Egwene that she did with Mat, trying to cut into her insecurities and made her feel lesser. But Egwene has not spent the past five months being forced to listen to Liandrin stomp on her as a person over and over, so when Liandrin pushes her, she pushes back.

29. Party scene! Selene has gotten Rand a coat and slipped the two of them into a fancy noble party -- she's out there trying to set up connections for Rand but he is focused on the mission. He gets a warning from another lady at the party that whether he replies yes or no to the invitation that he just received, it will be a subject of gossip, so he burns the letter (only to learn that this, too, is going to cause tons of gossip). The lady Anvaere then lets Rand know that she's figured out that he's likely staying in the Foregate and implies that she may or may not believe that he's an outlander lord. She lets him peek behind the curtain of nobility by telling him the truth about the Hunt for the Horn - that the queen doesn't care about it at all, just about getting some of the peasants to leave. We now get some of the history of the Aiel War from the nobles' side (after hearing a bit from the soldiers' side in the last episode) -- after the war, the farmers who had been devastated by the invasion sought shelter and protection nearer to the city and this has been an inconvenience for the nobles.

30. At this point, Selene returns with Rand's quest item but is disappointed when he immediately wants to leave the party without explaining why he wanted the wine and is offended when he asks her why she's helping him, after she shows herself to already understands that the Hunt for the Horn is just a political cover to push out the poorer residents of the city. In terms of costume design, they've really made it so that Rand is the only one standing out -- even Selene is dressed in the paler pastels that we see the rest of the nobles wearing. Rand is the only one I see in bold colors.

31. Rand returning so quickly with his Quest Item for Logain reveals his desperation to Logain. This conversation is... so incredibly queer-coded (which, tbh, male channelers in the books often came across that way too!). Rand has been suppressing something deep inside himself for so long but it just won't go away. It's an innate part of him and the more he tries to tamp it down, the more it builds up and demands to be seen. The metaphor of the overflowing wine glass was also fantastic.

"the answer to the question you already knew" (you can't make this part of yourself go away; "eventually, it will spill out of you. always.")

And Selene, at the party, "don't ask questions when you already know the answer"

We saw last season that Rand was really really good at ignoring things that he doesn't want to admit about himself -- he carries the secret about Tam's conversation with him all season! He manages to convince himself that Mat is probably the Dragon, until Moiraine reveals that it's the dagger that is influencing Mat. Part of him knew the true answer for a long time, but he wasn't willing to admit it to himself.

But it's not the answer that Rand wants to hear. And Logain losing it here gives Rand a convenient reason to dismiss everything else that he said.

32. So heartbreaking for Mat to watch Egwene crying and not feeling like he can go to her! I understand why -- Liandrin did a very good job of letting him know, over and over (a dozen letters!), that his friends do not care about him and would not want to see him again. So I understand. But it's painful to watch him turn and walk away from her. He almost does go to her! He hesitates! But he can't quite do it (which is only going to make him feel even more like a coward).

33. Min was just sitting and waiting for Mat to ask her to join him, wasn't she? I wonder if she was starting to worry that he would leave without her. She must be relieved that he came back for her.

34. Perrin's escape from Seanchan captivity (I notice that he's chained up, maybe because he was the last one to kneel?), but not before he gets a visit from our neighborhood Known Bad Guy. This scene is also very good and very intense, though I want to shake Perrin slightly and remind him that if the Bad Guy tells you something, he's probably trying to trick you! If he says that the wolf brings you closer to him, it's probably a lie! Do not trust this man! I am glad that Our Guy continues to bring intense homoeroticism to every scene he shares with one of our male ta'veren (let me cup your face and feed you water! let me stare intently into your eyes and talk about how you're mine!). Now we just need Mat to complete the set!

35. "You're dead! Rand killed you!" and now Perrin is the first of our ta'veren to find out that the world did not get saved back in 1x8. Doesn't have much opportunity to tell the others, sadly. He doesn't find out that Rand is alive, though.

36. Very emotional about Elyas and the wolves coming to save Perrin. That's their boy! They love him! Please don't be afraid of them, Perrin!

37. Mat and Min continue to have great banter. "Freedom is in the air tonight". And now we get our reveal that Min is working with Liandrin. I like that this feels like a consequence of Moiraine's actions from last season. Because being free of Moiraine, specifically, is part of the carrot that Liandrin is using with Min here. "If you succeed, Moiraine won't have anything over either of us ever again."

Okay, and Liandrin is asking Min to take Mat someplace specific because she checks, "You know the way?" and Min confirms it. So Liandrin does have a destination in mind. Min also does seem subdued in this scene with Liandrin, so I don't think she's eager to take Mat wherever they're going.

38. Rand has a dream about returning back to his room where Selene is waiting, and the two of them have sex (with him back in his fancy coat), and him channeling around her while she tells him that she's not afraid of him (but he looks pretty uncomfortable/scared/worried once the channeling begins). When he wakes up, he realizes that he's set the roof of the inn on fire, and Selene is at his door, and the two of them rush to safety and watch it burn. Oof, that had to be tough for Rand. Poor guy. *hugs*

39. Egwene trying to channel the arches back open again. Sweetheart! I love her so much for trying, and I love Elayne for coming to try to help her through her grief.

40. And now we jump back into Nynaeve's dream life -- she's back in the Two Rivers. She has a daughter with Lan, who is relaxed and comfortable. Perrin is back home, happy, and Mat has found a life elsewhere but is happy as well and visits when he can. Egwene has successfully become Aes Sedai. It's as happy as she can possibly make it, given the constraints that she started with (Rand being dead, especially, but also knowing that Egwene would want to stay and become Aes Sedai).

But they told us at the beginning that this was about Nynaeve facing her fears, and Egwene's letter brings the first hints of trouble as we hear of Trolloc attacks in Saldaea. And her dream world shatters apart as Trollocs attack the Two Rivers once again, just as her life shattered apart when they attacked the first time. I love the bookend of how she tries to protect her daughter the same way that she was once protected by her parents. This whole sequences really hit me hard, especially when she's still cradling her (no longer existing) daughter as she comes back through the arches. I'm really glad that Egwene was there for her when she arrived (and what an introduction for Elayne!) Again, it was so heartbreaking. The little girl wasn't real, but Nynaeve loved her like she was real.

41. I didn't notice on the night this first aired (probably because so much was happening in all three episodes) but this episode does not have Moiraine or Actual Lan in it at all. So they're still on the thread that we left them on in episode two, where Moiraine has left without Lan (and threatened him with having Alanna forcibly bond him to make sure he would let her go). So the question we have for episode four is: do we get a Lan x Nynaeve actual reunion at the White Tower or is Lan going to go after Moiraine as soon as Alanna's back is turned? We know that he stole the poem that she bought from Doman. I am intrigued to learn the answers in ep4.

[baronessblixen]

I watched How We Were Before!

Turns out, I'd read the synopsis previously on Wikipedia-- but that made me invested instead of disinterested.

Interesting movie-- It's not a romance so much as a showcase of the faults of romanticization. imo, Hubbell and Katie weren't meant to be but were making it work. And interesting that Hubbell tried to make choices-- the first girl, writing, etc.-- but ended up on paths further away from the life he would choose himself (finishing the book, Katie, fatherhood, etc.)

Some back and forth thoughts were put out there about Katie's idealism and it destroying the relationship; but that's not the takeaway I had, at all. Her perspective and his were both valuable, both real, both respectable; but clashed with each other. Her pursuits and passions disturbed him; his happiness was found a different route. And his lack of passion or humorous POV on matters that were of serious importance to her nettled, hurt, and wounded Katie.

Some people just don't work. Some people are drawn to each other but aren't meant to be. Or they can love and respect and be on fire for so many aspects about a person but not have that passion or love returned, at least in equal measure.

And, in the end, I think it's their daughter that suffers. Her mother pushed back on her father's distancing and disinterest and even (at times) disgust, wanting him despite; and her father let himself be led from one mess to another, none of them satisfactory to him because he hadn't fully accepted and reconciled parts of himself. Thus, little Rachel was born and grew up and lived without her father in her life.

Both had fantastic speeches, too-- wisdom to share with each other. Perspectives and chemistry isn't the only thing to keep a relationship afloat.

Also, I find it interesting if you turn the conceit of the movie on its head a bit: if first girl were the main character, she'd have married the friend of a man who she loved and who loved her; and there'd be bittersweet music every step of the way she takes. That's what I like about the movie, I think: it shows the effects of bad choices and poor decisions, with lots of backstory hinted at but not fully explored. I'm really starting to like Sydney Pollack movies.

The only thing I don't respect is that Hubbell didn't raise his daughter, even if being a father didn't fit into the life he wanted. He might not have been the best father, but a phone call every once in a while would have been better than nothing. (But, again, those characters would have made those choices.)

Very thought provoking! :DDD

Ahhh, glad you watched it! I agree they weren't to be. The only reason they were is because their feelings for each other were so intense and I see it more like, rather than making it work, they were trying to make it work because of the love that was there between them. That never left. The last scene is proof of that.

Ultimatively, they're too fundamentally different. One thing that always gets me is how Katie is trying to fit herself into Hubbel's world. She tries to be that person who gets along with his friends but in the end, she is who she is, and she's done trying to pretend - no matter how much she loves Hubbell.

I'm not sure Hubbell ever really makes a choice. It's like he wrote in his short story "everything came too easily to him". He always follows the path of least resistance. That's why they break up. Katie is done trying to be who she isn't and he is never going to change.

Yeah, I agree. Her idealism didn't destroy the relationships. They were just too different. That doesn't mean either of them was wrong for wanting and doing what they did.

I don't their their daughter suffers. Katie marries someone else who I'm sure is a wonderful father. If they had stayed together, both would have been miserable.

Hubbell wouldn't have had his career because of his association with Katie. Barbra Streisand commented on that once and said she hates how much it looks like they broke up because of him sleeping with another woman. When in reality it was really the political climate with Katie having been a communist and Hubbell trying to make it in Hollywood. And of course their clashing personalities.

I think Hubbell would have loved to be a father. It had nothing to do with that. There was just no way for them to be in each other's lives anymore. That's why he says he can't come visit. They can either be strangers or lovers; there's no in-between for them. That makes it so bittersweet for me.

And I really like Sydney Pollack movies too! He did so many with Robert Redford 😁

[heartyearning]

☀️ SUMMER READING WRAP UP ☀️

i read like 30+ books in july & august & wanted to do a quick little summary of that here bc i read some absolute bangers. in no partic order + these are only the good ones bc i dont need to talk about [title redacted bc im nice]

headshot by rita bullwinkel: i got this in a bookstore near my sister's art uni & you could tell it was an artunibookstore bc there were so many books i'd never heard of but this one is SO up my alley. it's about a group of teenage girls in a boxing competition and follows each of their matches from the perspectives of the girls. they don't talk to each other so they each have this really skewed vision of the other person, especially considering that there's a competitive aspect to what they're doing anyway & the fact that none of these girls feel like they're respected in their day-to-day lives. if you're a teen following me you NEED to pick up this book, i felt like it so perfectly encapsulates that feeling of being 15-17 esp if you're socialised as a girl. everything is both grandiose and gritty at the same time, these girls have FEELINGS pouring out of their ears and it is so so so well written. absolutely loved it. also look at this cover:

LOVED!

big swiss by jen beagin: this is kind of in the same vein as headshot & generally in the same vein of a lot of general fiction i've been into lately. i've known about it for a while but did wonder whether it was worth getting it / whether it would do more than just scratch the itch that i already had scratched after reading headshot & let me tell you it absolutely did. big swiss follows a transcriber of a new york sex therapist who accidentally meets and becomes involved with one of his patients. greta, the protagonist, has got a lot of weird habits and thought-patterns but since the book is written from her pov it's easy to go along with the idea that this all isn't THAT weird until it really starts to be reflected back at her through other people when big swiss starts talking about her in the therapy sessions greta transcribes and onwards. it's really good, i also love that greta's a bit older than a lot of the protagonists in books like these that i've read. i also love this cover with the painting on it but i personally had a copy with an illustration of big swiss & greta's dogs (even tho piñon was brown on the cover, not black, but i'm letting it go) which was very cute as well.

chouette by claire oshetsky: iykyk. this book is really good for many reasons but let me introduce it by saying it was good because it handles a VERY tricky subject matter and does so with incredible grace. chouette follows the birth and childhood of chouette, an owl-baby which came about after Tiny had sex with her female owl lover in a dream. (i don't have my copy with me rn but the opening line is something along the lines of "it was a shock to me when i discovered i was pregnant after i dreamt i had sex with an owl lover, especially because my owl lover was a woman." <- that but like. good writing. i wish i could remember the phrasing better) in this book the concept of an "owl baby" is actually a stand in for having a child with mental development issues. chouette is an owl-baby in a world of dog-children, that sort of thing. i was very cautious when reading this book bc it's told from the pov of tiny, who doesn't always love being a mother (and i'm sensitive about that topic so i didn't really know how i'd respond to this) and also the subject matter in general can go wrong in so many different ways. chouette is really good though, at no point does tiny think of her daughter as being anything other than who she is. she's not some genius savant nor is she broken & in need of fixing. she's simply a baby / young toddler with her own needs and desires and her own personality. very sweet, very emotional book. music plays a big role in this book (again, iykyk) and there's an accompanying playlist which i ended up not listening to bc i didn't have wifi but i do also like that aspect of it.

we go around in the night & are consumed by fire by jules grant: pros of moving in with someone who used to work in publishing & book selling: i now have access to a bunch of new books i've never heard of before. we go around in the night is an incredible book about an all-female gang in manchester (at least i think its manchester, i do not recall) and how they deal when one of their members is shot and killed. the plot and concept themselves are really good but what stands out especially is the writing style which is in part stream of consciousness and in a larger part just very particular to the pov character & how their mind works. we follow the povs of the head of the gang and the daughter of the woman who was killed. it's very emotional, very rough to read bc it deals so much with grief and also it's so intimate because with the way it's written you just feel so deeply inside the characters' minds. really cool.

fantasy break: i reread all of my branderson books (or at least the cosmere ones), so that's the first mistborn trilogy, warbreaker & the first 4 stormlights. not gonna summarise those indiv bc i'm pretty sure none of my followers on this blog give a fuck but i am actually very pleased to have re-read them bc 1. i love them and 2. it's made the scope of the cosmere a bit more understandable again. also i get very emotional about fantasy & cried like a baby at the end of mistborn & also at the end of oathbringer. and at the middle of rhythm of war. when adolin's in shadesmar with maya? yeah. sobbing.

little, big by john crowley: i listened to this on audiobook every day for about 2 weeks as i walked my dogs and did my chores and what have you. this audiobook is 24 hours long and usually that's my limit on audiobook length, anything longer than that & i start to check out mentally, but i could honestly listen to little, big forever. if you don't know it's this multi-generational novel about faeries and a family involved with them tangentially through the contact one of the early women had with faeries when she lived in the uk. it's a book about an american family though and though the faeries are ever-present in the actions and consequences that befall this family, it's so much more about love. familial love, romantic love, love for a place, love. it's absolutely incredible and read by the author who has the most wonderful accent (maine, i believe?) which just transports you even more into the world of these people. i'm generally all for a novel read by a trained & skilled narrator, not the author (reading is a skill) but john crowley does a very good job and anyway i didn't mind it when voices sounded alike because you understood who was speaking anyway just by what they were saying and anyway it's a family so it's okay if they sound similar. truly such a wonderful experience, i really loved this book.

others i read and just want to quickly mention: giovanni's room, gut symmetries, the book of elsewhere (i love china miéville etc etc), edinburgh (by alexander chee) & a couple more but these are the ones that i enjoyed most / got most out of

[tessydockery]

Book Review: A Whisper in the Dark by Jessi Elliott & K.J. Sutton

As a serial - and part of a larger story, you will no doubt wish this installment was longer, but I have a feeling it will be worth it. The second you step into Charlie Travesty's world, you are completely immersed in a whole new world of vampires. We're talking a world that is glittering and gritty all at once. A world so dark and lovely that you'll be flipping the pages wondering how something can be so good.

I was on the fence about Charlotte - our vampire princess protagonist - when I first began reading. I don't know if that was because I went into this just genuinely hoping that it wouldn't be like every other vampire novel I've read in the past decade or because she just came across as flawless. But after the first 20% or so, I was sold on our heroine and never looked back. You dig into her thoughts, feelings and actions and you really come to understand how cruel it can be to be like her. And you come to understand what it's like to belong no place. I feel such sympathy for Charlie and it's taught me something about our own society in a way.

Charlie isn't our only likeable character though. There are so many more! I loved Drew and his bright outlook on life in the face of such darkness. I can't wait to see more of him in the coming serials. And I loved the dynamics of Nina. She was snarky and hard and kickass. While she could rub you the wrong way, I really enjoyed the different aspects of her personality. Then you have the kindness of Gabriela - a mother figure to Charlie. You could really feel how much she cares for Charlie despite the trouble she could get in. It's really beautiful.

Overall, this serial was amazing and I can't wait to dig into future installments. I'm giving it 4.5 stars - a really solid start! I would recommend this story to vampire enthusiasts. And if you're tired of the same old vampire stories, I encourage you to give this one a try. However, *DISCLAIMER*, if you're not into strong language, sex (especially descriptive sex), and detailed vampire feedings, I'd suggest maybe skipping this one. Otherwise, I really think you'll enjoy this read!

I was given a free eARC copy of this book in exchange for an honest review. Thanks so much to the authors for providing me a chance to read this book early. I greatly appreciate it.

[Originally posted to latesummersthoughts.wordpress.com on May 21, 2020]

[labyrinthoftartarus]

I think I am stunning.

No, but really. I think I am drop-dead gorgeous. I think I am stunning. I think I am beautiful and pretty and sweet.

I know, I know. This sounds so... out of the blue. I am generally a person who really can't see how I can ever be "pretty" in a sense. Every time I look in the mirror, I see a deformed mess of my face and limbs, glaring at my jarring reflection.

I don't know why. I can't help it, too. I happen to look very, very disgusting.

However, there are times I look at my jutting bones, my grotesque lips, and sunken eyes that I can't help but wonder, oh wow, I really am gorgeous! I look unconventionally attractive. I have a sullen appearance, like that of an overripe fruit. I have brittle, branch-like limbs divaricating into slender, rigid fingers. I have wisps of long hair, which is so dark that it shines purple.

Viewing myself as an art or poetry really helped with my self-esteem. Earlier, I used to cope with my looks by feigning.

1. Making fun of myself to feel confident.

I'd pretend to admire and love every inch of myself, while subconsciously hating the very aspect of it. I would say, "Oh, I have pretty eyes!" while thinking they looked disproportionate. After a while, my method of coping transfigured into a much more twisted kind of praise.

For example, I'd say, "Wow, I am so beautiful and gorgeous, I think everyone should love and praise me for my beauty and worship me."

That is...not coping.

That's mocking.

It was an indirect way of making fun of myself, I suppose. In the end, I was again subconsciously reminded of how absolutely idiotic and undeniably ugly I am.

2. The reason for my insecurity.

I will admit, I probably had it easier than others. While others were subjected to endless taunting by their parents and peers, I suffered less vocal means of humiliation. I wasn't belittled or shamed excessively, but I did have my share of frequent poking and stabbing.

My mother, though a relatively good person, has this annoying habit of making fun of someone. My mom used to excessively criticize my lips, my hair, my body...all from childhood.

I was on the skinnier side, and throughout my life, every relative I have ever met has openly shamed my physique.

I'd get comments like,

You look so ugly and weak!

You look like a corpse!

You look ill! Eat up, no one likes skinny girls.

Your sister is cuter than you.

ALL UNFILTERED!

I mean, I really couldn't care less, but some comments got to me. Especially comparisons with my sister, because at that time, everyone adored my sister and never tried to give me a second glance.

I was jealous of her, getting all the praise and compliments only because she is fairer and chubbier than me.

As I became a teenager, my mother started rebuking my appearance. I had very sensitive skin which always resulted in burns/breakouts if I skipped facewash ONCE, which was a bummer. My mom continuously mentioned this, along with how ugly I looked.

I frequently had arguments with her and would burst into tears. She claimed that she was just being helpful by pointing out the things I don't seem to see wrong about myself. I know she doesn't mean any of it, but her joking habit really can hurt someone.

It grew to a point where whatever I mentioned was somehow associated with how I looked. For example, I'd mention how I was hungry and she'd rant about how ugly I look because I am skinny and about how I probably should eat more. Every. single. thing was associated with my looks. It got exhausting after a point. I try my best not to care, though.

My second shock came in school. Many people talked about how I look ugly now and how I looked better when I was in elementary. This was a severe blow to my self-esteem. If I was hanging out with a prettier friend and people tried to talk to us, they'd entirely IGNORE my presence and act like I was something repulsive and disturbing.

Am I really repulsive and disturbing?

3. My skin!!!

I'd stare at my boyfriend and observe his skin. He literally looks stunning. He got super clear skin and speckled gold all over his face.

I AM SO ENVIOUS OF HIS SKIN.

I really want clear skin. My skin is extremely sensitive and dry. Each day, I have to wash my skin at least four times with facewash. If it goes up to only three, there's a 100% guarantee of breakouts.

Experimenting with different products only leads to worse results. However, I somehow managed to find what suits my skin. Pray for me.

4. I am the woman of my poetry.

The best way to increase my self-confidence is by romanticizing myself. I write poems and scriptures about a girl like me, but highly exaggerated and romanticized.

I MAKE MYSELF THE GIRL OF MY OWN POETRY!

I romanticize my dark hair, small almond eyes, jawline, and reedy limbs and find out how beautiful I look when I'm written down in words.

I look prettier, more sophisticated, and more glamorous.

CLOSURE

I think I am beautiful. I think I am a work of art. And I may not be, in everyone else's eyes, but in mine own, I shall forever be.

[tamariasykes-art]

17 and 18 for Rings of Power!

The Rings of Power themed asks. 🍃✨

17. What are your thoughts on the original characters? Do you like them? (For example: Nori, Bronwyn, Adar)

I absolutely adore all the original characters in the series and their arcs are usually the ones I am most invested in. The whole arcs with the Southlands (yeah I know they don't exist anymore) was such a joy to watch.

Someone on twitter refereed to Arondir as the "the elfest elf that ever elfed" and I think that is more than accurate. He is kind, noble, determined and just so good in every way. The interactions between him and Adar? This bond of both mutual respect and attempting to understand the other, but ultimately taking a different path in the end. I love his relationship with Bronwyn, they way they are so dedicated to each other but also willing to let the other go for a greater sake. They way they support and comfort each other throughout the series <3<3

Bronwyn is great too, probably my favorite female character from the series. She is also kind and very courageous and they way she is ready to take up a weapon to defend others and how she ends up taking the responsibility for coordinating resources and shelter for the people fleeing from the uruks. They way she unconditionally loves her son and Arondir <3<3

There are many more great original characters, but this is already getting so long

18. What are your thoughts on the portrayal of the canon characters? (For example: Galadriel and Elrond)

I am gonna preface this by saying that the only books of Tolkien I've read by now are the Hobbit and the Silmarillion so my knowledge on the lotr triology is mostly based on the movies. (Also I'm gonna stick with Miriel, Elrond and Galadriel here because I have the most thoughts about them)

I do like the changes the made to Miriel's character. I remember reading the Silm and wondering what Numenor might have been like under her reign and how sad it was that so much of her character is just a victim, a victim of Ar-Pharazôn and Sauron and later on a victim of Numenor being turned into Atlantis. Miriel in Trop just feels so refreshing compared to that. I wish the Numenor arc would have gotten a bit more attention, especially the relationship between Miriel and her father, but all the episodes with her

Elrond, is Elrond. He's fine The scenes with him in it always feel a bit odd tho. I recently started watching the series with my mother and she said about him: "He sounds like a politician" and I couldn't agree more. Now, I am aware that this is what the show is going for and the way he carries himself and his speech make sense for the position he holds at Gil-galads court. What makes scenes with feel so odd to me is that he seems to carry this behavior into these very personal scenes where he interacts with Disa and Durin and because of that they don't seem as heartfelt and intimate as they should. I mean, especially the scene where Durin voices his anger over the disagreement with his father and Elrond explains the relationship with his father, it sounds like he is reciting something and not offering insight on his friend. Although that part could also be a result of the German voice actors performance. I doesn't matter either way, this is a interpretation of Elronds character, a legitimate one and I don't hate it. It is fine. His haircut is always a joy to look at.

Galadriel is just like that. Idk I mean you have these really great aspects that you can base her story off. The death of her brother and husband, the survivors guilt, this feeling of restlessness and also this fear of going to the west and possibly thinking that she might not deserve it yet. And then they go ahead and show her to be this really cold, selfish and manipulative character and I am just asking myself where it went wrong.

And yes, those are flaws, every good character has those. But I feel with the way her story and character is written, she just comes of as utterly unlikable. I am not interested in seeing her evolve and change for the better, or face the consequences for her actions because her motivation seems so weird and her struggles seem to be non-existant. I mean Celeborns death for example has had such a big impact on her, I don't understand why they did not hint at that sooner in the show until her conversation with Halbrand (?) Why didn't they show her grieving, why do they never show her struggling with her values and believes, why is the majority of her arc her just try to find and destroy Sauron and not doing anything else? Also, the whole thing with taking the boat to the west. You could have done so much with that. But in the show you just see her conversation with Elrond about it where she makes it clear that she won't accept this gift from Gil-galad with the reason that he work isn't finished. And then the next scene is just her on the boat. I mean, this is literally a journey with no return why did they not show her trying to come terms with that or her fear of leaving her friends and Middle Earth behind, her feeling that she might not worthy of accepting something like that. (Maybe also her wondering if she will see her family again. I mean in Tolkiens work Finrod was allowed to leave the Halls of Mandos)

Like, I don't get it. I really don't. I am not a fan of her arc during the first season and neither is my mother (who hasn't seen all the episodes yet).

Thanks for asking!

[immaturityofthomasastruc]

I always wondered why Marinette tried to learn Mandarin when her uncle visited. The show clearly states that her family is from Shanghai, and they don't speak Mandarin there: they speak Shanghainese. The languages are related, but it's unreal how different they are: for example, Mandarin has four tones, while Shanghainese tosses tone out the window and has a pitch accent system. It's fascinating stuff, but it further demonstrates how people don't recognize (1/2)

On one hand, I can kind of understand what they’re trying to go with here by showing Marinette’s disconnect from her Shanghai culture. I have Irish and German ancestry, and I feel like I know more about my Irish heritage than my German heritage, mainly thanks to my mom and grandpa, who knew about certain aspects of Irish culture, while I never really get to see the only relative I have on my German side who’s fluent in the language compared to my dad.

I also know nothing about Chinese culture outside of some of the stuff I learned about their history in school and from some of the cartoons that taught me basic Chinese ideologies, like Kung Fu Panda and Xiaolin Showdown, so I don’t really know much about how much this show’s screwed up Chinese representation other than the “How did nobody see this as stereotypical?” moments, so I really appreciate the little lesson on the Shanghaiese and Mandarin languages and how the show got both of them wrong

On the other hand, it’s strange that Sabine, someone who was established to know a lot about her heritage given she’s from Shanghai, didn’t even bother to teach Marinette about the culture and instead decided to save up money to send her on a trip to Shanghai on the off chance she actually asked to learn more about her mother’s side of the family. 

Like, seriously? You didn’t even try to bake any food from Shanghai to teach her? You didn’t even try to teach her some of the language? You didn’t even try to teach her about your home’s fashion even though Shanghai is a city known for being a big place for fashion?

If Marinette was just never interested in learning about her heritage, I could have bought it, but the first episode to bring up how little she knows about it, “Kung Food”, showed how embarrassed she was that she didn’t know much, and once again, needed to have her own damn culture explained to her by a white guy learning the language himself.

There are so many recent cartoons and animated movies that feature characters with various heritages that do more with their respective cultures than Miraculous Ladybug has done in years. There’s Soul, Coco, Moana, Luca, Hair Love (it’s only a short film, but goddamn, does it feel like it actually earned its Oscar for once), Amphibia, The Owl House, The Ghost and Molly McGee, Let’s Go Luna, Molly of Denali, and most recently, Encanto. All of these feature characters with differing races and cultures, take time to teach kids about certain cultural touchstones occasional issues associated with said races and cultures, while also giving kids of those races characters they can relate to more than something about a white character.

Miraculous Ladybug clearly wants to be one of these shows with how much Astruc prides his work for being inclusive, and while we don’t know if it’s the result of executives saying Marinette needed to be less Chinese in order for the show to be more marketable, or if the writers just didn’t do enough research, but the show simply fails to take advantage of Marinette’s heritage compared to some of the characters in the works I mentioned above, and only tries to do so when there’s an opportunity to teach Marinette about her own culture.

[sketching-shark]

idk if I asked this but I always wondered what type of relationship erlang has with his uncle? Like I'd imagine he must Hate him for trapping his mom but care enough to protect him?

As with many other aspects of Chinese mythology and folklore I'm going to have to admit my general ignorance on the topic of Erlang Shen, anon. From what I do know, however, this deity's family situation is quite complicated (especially how his parentage is also a point of controversy)...

But to give an overview of what is apparently the most popular version of his origin, Erlang Shen's mother, Princess Yaoji, is the sister of the Jade Emperor and a deity who ruled over the realm of desire. Yet in an ironic twist, even though her assigned role in Heaven was to keep deities from experiencing such "human" afflictions as ambition, greed, lust, love, and affection, she fell in love with a scholar named Yang Tianyou. This mortal man saved her life by giving her half his heart after Princess Yaoji was injured chasing after a rogue dragon that had escaped its Heavenly chains. The deity and human soon married and had three children; Yang Jiao, Yang Jian (Erlang Shen, whose name translates into "godly second son"), and Yang Chan. When the Jade Emperor discovered that his sister had broken her heavenly mandate so thoroughly, he sent down his army to capture and kill every member of this family. Yang Jian and Yang Chan managed to escape, but Yang Tianyou and Yang Jiao were executed while Princess Yaoji was trapped under Mount Tai. When Erlang Shen was old and powerful enough, he clove this mountain in two to save his mother, an act that made him a paragon of filial devotion.

After that, for me things become more unclear. I do know that Erlang Shen eventually became one of Heaven's most powerful and devoted warriors (he's even the one who was able to subdue a rampaging Sun Wukong, albeit with help from Lao Tzu). He's even apparently largely responsible for executing Heaven's brand of justice by sending down countless bolts of piercing light to disintegrate their enemies! What I don't know is how Erlang Shen reached that position or if he ever held any enmity towards his uncle for executing his father and older brother and trapping his mother. What is clear is that Erlang Shen the deity is 100% in the Jade Emperor's corner, and from what I gather he reached his divine state by carrying out Heaven's will, something that allowed him to rise above his "forbidden" origins. I haven't heard anything about Erlang Shen going against the Jade Emperor before becoming his greatest warrior (except maybe for freeing his mother from the Jade Emperor's punishment), but if anyone knows differently please let me know!

So while you should take what I'm saying with a grain of salt since I don't know that much about Erlang Shen, it seems that this three-eyed deity's relationship with his uncle is one of absolute devotion, with no hard feelings for the violence against his family. Erlang Shen's adherence to Heaven's mandates is such that you even see some Chinese stories using that as a basis for his role as an antagonist, as with the tale "The Magic Lotus Lantern." Here Erlang Shen's sister is called Sanshengmu and is presented as a full deity who does the exact same thing as her & Erlang Shen's mother by falling in love with a mortal. She has a son named Cheng Xiang, and Erlang Shen does the exact same thing as the Jade Emperor by imprisoning her under a mountain for this perceived transgression. Interestingly enough Cheng Xiang's eventually successful goal to free his mother and defeat his uncle present something of an opportunity for Sun Wukong to get back at Erlang Shen, and he takes Cheng Xiang under his wing for a bit & makes him a magical axe, with which Cheng Xiang splits the mountain imprisoning his mother.

As always, if I got anything wrong or if anyone wants to add more information, they should feel free to correct me and/or add what you know!

[xaibaugrove]

Everyone in the Krew is Problematic

I was inspired to go on this rant by someone who recently brought up a question in a server I’m in, asking why so many people in the fandom seem to hate Mako and Makorra and why. This wouldn’t be the first time I defend Mako and it most likely won’t be the last, but it might be the first time I tear him and everyone else in the Krew down in the process, only to bring them back up. Hear me out though.

I think I’ve totally accepted that a lot of people in this fandom will always hate Mako and that I will have to perpetually defend him, I understand that this is the relationship I’ve chosen with this world. But what I still will never understand are the reasons why people hate/dislike him because compared to how much they love other characters in the Krew who honestly aren’t that much better than him (in some cases, even worse!), it doesn’t make any sense.

Let me also preface this by saying, I love these characters with all my heart and soul, probably more than I should love fictional characters, but this is the life I live and with that being said, I am going to tear them apart just to prove a point. Okay, here we go.

MAKO

Most of his detractors list the usual criticisms, which are valid when isolated. He cheated on Asami, he lied to Korra, he was a terrible boyfriend and essentially he treated the women he claimed to love or care about horribly. Gee, it’s almost like the man was a teenager with no experience in having long-lasting, healthy relationships and was raised in the streets by gangmembers while doing anything to survive and provide for his younger sibling after seeing his parents killed right in front of him and suddenly being orphaned…

I think Mako has been torn down enough, so I won’t get too deep into the tearing down part for him. It really does baffle me how someone can claim to be woke and not comprehend how someone coming from poverty could possibly be a product of their environment. Like, does everyone think that poor people automatically have hearts of gold and turn out like Little Orphan Annie? Why are people surprised that when someone has a shitty life, they might do shitty things?

Also, sooo many people love Zuko, who actively tried to cause harm to Aang, Katara and Sokka numerous times, and sympathize with his troubled past. But like, sure Zuko had an abusive father and his mother peaced out of his life for whatever reasons but at least he had his uncle. Mako had his parents for maybe 8 years before they were murdered in front of him and then had...no one for the next 10 years? Except for Bolin, sure, but no other parental figure in his life. Dude literally had to become him and his brother’s own parent and joined a gang to survive, and after all that, the worst he does is acts as a bad boyfriend toward Korra and Asami and he is instantly thrown to the wolves. Something doesn’t add up. It’s just...I don’t get it.

Yes, the way he treated people was bad, but people can grow? That’s a thing humans can do. And he was a teenager, my god. No, we cannot allow our past to be an excuse for how we treat others, but we have to be aware that there is a growth process to being human. And being human in and of itself, isn’t pretty. You think Mako is problematic? Don’t get me started on your fave.

KORRA

Ok, I love this woman to death but she is ridiculously problematic. She pursued someone in a relationship and essentially forced Mako to cheat on Asami by kissing him against his will, that’s already pretty awful and shows a lack of empathy on her part, also kissing people without their consent is no bueno. But also I just have to say it for the people who might not know this. One of the fundamental reasons why Makorra didn’t work was because KORRA WAS ABUSIVE. Okay? It wasn’t just that Mako was inadequate at relationships and didn’t know how to people, it wasn’t that she was secretly confused and wanting Asami the entire time (biphobia at it’s best) one of the main problems in the pairing was that Korra was crazy abusive towards Mako. Seriously, why don’t I see this more often in those discussions??

If we need examples, I have dozens. Honestly, it’s really easy to see how terrible Korra was to Mako, I’d actually argue that she treated him worse than he treated her. I mean, they were both terrible to one another, but in Korra’s case she went through the motions of being completely infatuated with your first teenage crush, getting with said crush, then crashing and burning once you realize that you have no idea how to treat a romantic partner so after the butterflies wear off you subject them to all the wonderful aspects of your anger issues. Not only did she scream at Mako during every argument they had, she also threatened him with bodily harm if she got really angry. Remember how their relationship crashed and burned in Book 2? Here are the things that Korra did during that time. Let me reiterate, this was not okay.

Mako is visibly shaken by this!

This woman burst into her boyfriend’s place of work and violently kicked his desk out from in front of him with all his coworkers present. That is not normal behavior. That is a red flag. And after she came back, had amnesia or whatever and forgot they broke up after that scene, let’s not forget that Mako was legitimately Afraid to break up with her again. Korra made her partner frightened that they might suffer bodily harm if they upset her. Again, and I can’t stress this enough, this is not okay!

The little scene in Book 3 when Korra is lifting Mako like 100 feet off the ground with airbending while he’s screaming in fear just to make Asami laugh is cute, right? I’ll admit, I loved that little moment too, it’s one of the only instances of Korrasami development that we got, but also, there were sooo many things wrong with that scene lol. Not only does Korra terrify Mako for literally no reason, it’s also sort of just her continuing to exercise some degree of power over him for her own amusement. Almost like a subtle reminder to him saying, “I am stronger than you in every way and I can break your femur like a twig if I wanted to… but I won’t, so look how much fun we’re having!”

Now of course, there are reasons why Korra acts like this. She was isolated for almost her entire life and never learned how to treat people and be around people. The Avatar is human because they must live amongst the people they protect and that helps them develop empathy and cherish life. The White Lotus deprived her of that fundamental aspect of her duty as the Avatar and it showed throughout the beginning of the series. Clearly, she was young, didn’t see how her actions could negatively affect others and hurt the feelings of not just her partner but also friends and family (she was really awful towards a lot of people in her life!). But as the series went on, we see her having less outbursts and learning to control her temper more.

One can only assume that she does not have the same behavior with Asami because for one, I don’t think Asami would play that shit, she seems like she would electrocute a bitch in a heartbeat and not hesitate if needed, but also Korra is not the same shitty partner she used to be as a teenager. Again, kids do stupid things. Adults do stupid things. And we learn and we grow. Korra will probably make some more mistakes in her relationship with Asami. I don't think anyone can have one bad relationship and suddenly learn all the lessons they can from it and have a perfect one the next go around. I can totally picture Korra losing her temper and raising her voice at Asami if she gets frustrated and forgets who she’s dealing with. Managing anger issues is hard, I know this from experience, and it doesn’t magically get easier. Of course, if Korra does pop off, Asami would definitely put her in her place because she’s a bad bitch who doesn’t take anyone’s shit, next character.

ASAMI

You know her, you love her, you fantasize about her and you probably have her on your list of fictional characters you would totally bang if you had the chance (I know I do), yes, even your best girl is problematic. It’s interesting to me that a lot of people sympathize with Asami and very few openly criticize her (so few that I’ve never seen anyone say a bad thing about her). What’s there to criticize though? The poor girl was cheated on by Mako, had her feelings disregarded by Korra, who claimed to be her friend but pursued her then-boyfriend behind her back and then made up for it by simping for her for the rest of her life? Also her mom was murdered when she was just 6 years old, her father threatened to kill her once and physically abused her, then died right after they started repairing their relationship, essentially making her an orphan at the ripe age of 22. Suffice it to say, Asami has been through it.

So, how could she be problematic, you ask? Why, of course, through the classic Bryke technique of romance progression in storylines called Kissing People Without Their Consent

To be honest, I did gloss over this with Korra, simply because there were sooo many other issues with that woman and I just couldn’t go through every single one in as much detail but that doesn’t negate how serious this whole sneak attack kissing thing is. Sure, Asami is very emotional and lonely and sort of desperate too, (it's a little sad, really) but Mako is clearly uncomfortable and completely caught off guard by the kiss. This is also the second time this happens to him in the series! There are a couple factors that might contribute to why Asami does this and acts this way, maybe Korra’s general awfulness rubbed off on her (don’t make a dirty joke) but this is still wrong.

AND that’s...pretty much it. Kissing people without their permission is a big no no, though. Not wanting to gloss over that, but Asami really is a good person who just did a not-so-great thing. Getting burned by Mako twice probably made her a little less inclined to be as forward with anyone though, and it looks like she now takes her time and is patient in her relationship with Korra. It even seems like Asami is the only person Korra is afraid to upset, as Korra does seem more gentle and calm when around her. And who knows? Maybe Asami living a life where a majority of the time she got whatever she wanted when she wanted it might have also influenced her to be more assertive or even imposing within her relationships.

If anything, those three fools getting into relationships with each other just showed how not ready they were to be in relationships in the first place and also how not okay they were.

BOLIN

Originally I titled this as “Everyone in the Krew is problematic (except Bolin)” but then I remembered that Bolin totally kissed a woman without her consent so I deleted the shit out of that!

This asshole looks genuinely pleased with himself after essentially assaulting Ginger. Not a good look.

Sure, Bolin is baby. He will always be baby to me. But that does not erase the fact that he also actively supported a fascist dictator. Not only was the kissing without consent thing bad, but there’s also that. No matter how many times people around him warned him about the fact that he was on the wrong side of things, that he was helping someone who was putting people into concentration camps...Bolin wanted to believe the best of Kuvira. He ignored obvious signs that the woman was a dictator committing human rights violations like crazy and you know, there’s gotta be a reason for that too.

Maybe Bolin wanted to feel like he was doing something good for once. When you think about it, with his role as the comic relief in the Krew, and sort of constantly being infantilized by his older brother, I wouldn’t be surprised if the man developed some insecurity in his ability to do anything good or useful for anyone without screwing it up in some way. In Kuvira’s army, it seemed like he was actually taken seriously, he felt like he was doing something that mattered. Korra had being the Avatar, Asami had her business and mindblowing philanthropy (honestly, her ability to be as charitable as she is profitable is insane) and Mako had his police work (ACAB, tho). Bolin had...the role of being a joke. A superficial actor. A former pro-bending meathead.

Bolin lived his entire life following after his brother that once they were adults and Mako finally decided to live his own life for once, it left Bolin completely lost. And lost young men are perfect recruits for fascists.

So, in conclusion, my whole reasoning behind destroying the integrity of my favorite characters is to prove a huge point. All of these characters are problematic. They have flaws, some bigger than others (looking at you, Korra. Just...wow), but ultimately, even if your fave is problematic... that’s okay. A lot of people, mostly younger people it seems, are really obsessed with being right about everything that they do and stan. And that’s a wonderful thing, so much change has come about by the younger generations calling out people who do fucked up shit, don’t want or try to improve, and get away with it. But it’s also caused a lot of people to be unforgiving and completely unwilling to acknowledge when people do improve and try to be better.

Personally, I love my problematic Krew because having issues that you’re constantly working on internally is human. It’s human to make mistakes, it’s human to grow from those mistakes. And it’s inspiring to me, who is wholly imperfect, to see myself reflected in fictional characters who aren’t perpetuating unrealistic ideals of human nature, characters who are messy, crazy and ultimately human.

As one of my favorite manga artists and queen of impeccable character creation Rumiko Takahashi once said:

“I think that perfect people are not very interesting.”

And I will always wholeheartedly agree.

[perseusjackson-jasongrace]

breaking it down to find a meaning

neighbours au?

this came out of literally no where. I was getting ready for bed and I had "I wanna love somebody" by We Three stuck in my head and then I opened tumbles and this just poured out of me? Yea I literally wrote this in the tumblr post option. no google doc we die like lovers.

I point this out only to say this is defs not edited lmao. I didn't even expect it to be this long it was supposed to a tiny drabble?

please enjoy!

[all images have alt text]

There are exactly three things wrong with Percy's current living situation.

1. He has far too little lounge space for his terribly long body. His shins have hit the coffee table six times today in his attempt to maneuver from sitting on the couch to standing.

2. The spare bedroom is not a good enough sound quality for his guitar or his drum practice. The bathroom is much better. He cannot practice in his bathroom forever, or ever.

3. His neighbour is undeniably, completely distractingly hot.

He hasn't allowed himself to rate the problems in order of most troublesome because he's a little ashamed about which one might take first place.

Since moving in one week ago Percy has had many opportunities to arrange and rearrange every aspect of the tiny two bedroom— or one bedroom and a makeshift studio— apartment until he could walk around it blind. He knows not to step on the third floorboard from the left wall on the way to his bedroom because it creaks unpleasantly and he thinks his downstairs neighbours are going to shove a hot poker through the roof just to brandish the annoying foot that keeps making the noise. He knows that the oven setting has to be juggled just right for it to go on. He knows the curtain railings in the living room are far too thin and brittle— he will have to replace them before the month is out. He knows you have to turn the hot tap in the shower three times and the cold tap four to get the exact perfect temperature. What he doesn't know, however, is his neighbour's name, or the colour of their eyes, or anything about them. All he knows is that they're hot.

But today, bruised shin and all, Percy is determined to introduce himself. If for nothing else but to gauge just how upset they might be when he starts up what his mother used to lovingly call "Melodic Madness".

So far it takes the reign as number one reason he's had to leave his previous living spaces. Mr Chiron from Strawberry Valley, who told the landlord the noise was so loud it made his steel kneecaps rust. Creative, but Percy isn't sure it's feasible. Then there was Minerva from Olive Grove who took one look at him and told the landlord he was a drug dealer, or worse, a drug user. He had raised a brow, couldn't stop his lip from tugging up, liking the way the ring that hugged his bottom lip stretched deliciously. He almost killed her on the spot. He would have laid lillies at her funeral and she would have risen again to throw them away. The last place, a Mr Hedge. Percy was glad to leave him behind. There were baseball bags swinging and yelling almost as loud as he played every time they crossed paths. For his own safety Percy didn't even wait for the man to call the landlord before he wad tucking his drumsticks in his pocket and high tailing it to, here.

Here being Sunset Gardens. Here being in this small apartment that fit him almost perfectly. Here being one knock away from meeting his new neighbour.

Percy wonders, as he looks at the soft cream wood of the door, if he should have worn a turtle neck to hide the snake tattoo wrapping around his throat. Or maybe a button down and a tie, to hide the swirls of ink on his arms. The black t-shirt he has on, a normal longer length to his usual cropped look, is clean and soft from use. He decides it'll have to be good enough because he can't wear button downs all the time. How ever will he afford all the ties that come with the obligation?

Percy knocks on the door.

There's silence behind it. The silence of sleepy world, too cozy-can't move. The silence that doesn't wish to be disturbed.

The door opens.

His neighbour's eyes are blue. Bright blue. Startling blue. Blue enough to make his lungs feel a lack of oxygen. He's reaching for the sky and it's getting harder to breather the higher he gets.

"Hello." Says his neighbour.

Percy is flying closer to the sun than Icarus ever will, ever could.

"Can I help you?"

He needs to stop staring. He needs to say something that doesn't make him look like a gaping angel fish. All starry eyes halos and floundering for relief from the air. Do fish know how beautiful the sky is? He imagines if they did they'd all kill themselves trying to get to it. He's doing it right now.

"Hi," He grins. Teeth white, straight, flossed because his mother forced him to learn the habit. "I'm Percy, your new neighbour."

"Jason," The voice is warm, deep. He knows if he lay his head on that spectacular chest he'll feel every vibration when this blue eyed spectacle talks. It'll be like getting into a really nice car and feeling the seats rumble beneath you.

"How are you finding the apartment?"

They're still standing on his door front. Jason won't relent his sanctuary. Percy won't toe over the line, curiouser and curiouser as he is.

"Good. Living room is causing some bodily harm," He waves to his shin, "But otherwise very good. Cozy."

"We share a wall. I don't know if it's your bedroom and mine or..." His neighbour trails off.

"It's my spare bedroom against you." They both glance to his door, light from his lounge flooding the passage in a perfect parallelogram.

"That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about." He's looking into the sky again. Watches as hair falls over that golden forehead. His hands— tattooed "amare" on his left fingers and "amari" on his right— twitch to push it back, to grasp the white strands, to know what light feels like. He tucks them into the pockets of his sweatpants. He tells them behave. The twitch in their hiding place. He doesn't let them seek.

"What about it?" Jason is frowning, in that worried way that says he's used to bad news and he's tired of it too.

"I uh," Percy's eyes flicker around the world. "I play guitar and drums. I'm using that room as my music room."

"Oh." The relief in Jason is a pointed arrow straight at his heart. Even cupid could never shoot something so potent. "That's okay. I'll use your music as inspiration when I paint."

Percy is Icarus three seconds after he believes he can fly. Percy is Patroclus when he feeds Achilles. Percy is Hercules after completing his first trial. Percy is a hero and a warrior and the luckiest person alive. Percy is alive.

"I hope you're good." Jason shrugs as if he hadn't tattooed a permanent place into the underside of Percy's ribcage.

"I hope so too." He manages to say back.

"I'll show you what I can create from you the first time and you can judge." Those blue eyes are so wide with innocence. Not the innocence of life but of words. His neighbour has no idea what he's doing to him. Has no idea that he is about to go home and make song lyrics out of all these declarations.

"I look forward to it." He smiles wide. It's ocean deep with happiness.

There are exactly three things perfect about Percy's current living situation:

1. The kitchen has a gas stove enough counter space for him to make bread and his mother's gumbo

2. His bedroom is big enough for him to fit a king sized bed easily. He is a sprawler when he sleeps and he cannot be happier to sprawl across never ending expanse.

3. His hot neighbour is perfect.

[beautifulterriblequeen]

Trickster: an Ethari theory

I've had yea many Ethari headcanons, and I hope I live to have yea many more. Most of them are probably wrong, or incomplete at best. But boy are they fun.

I love to wonder what Ethari will really be like in canon when we get to know him for more than 3 minutes, but whoever he really is on his own, he will have an effect on Runaan , Rayla, and everyone who loves him, because they love him.

The first headcanon I can remember having for "Tinker" was that he could be like Leonardo da Vinci: a genius, creative, surrounded by beautiful ideas given shape by his hands, but also capable of creating deadly weapons, enchantments, and devices with equal beauty, and perhaps not really seeing where the line between them was. It was fun, but Ethari has ended up far softer than my headcanon, and I love and support him in his softness!

After a nice string of Ethari headcanons, this year I've started poking at the Trickster archetype and seeing if it applies to him. And I think it absolutely does!

Tricksters often seem like Chaos. But they're not. They're just Difference. "Chaos" is subjective. Like the "divergent" in "neurodivergent." Who says? Divergent from what, exactly? Perspective matters, and Tricksters have a very broad take on things which allows them to think outside any box people might try to invite them into.

My enjoyment of Loki has brought all kinds of ideas to my dash with the arrival of the Loki show. I've got a copy of the Edda, and I highlighted the hell out of it a couple of years ago as I searched for the roots of Loki's origin story. (It's truly fascinating reading and the symbolic language hidden inside their poetry is dazzlingly amazing and I'm super using it sometime just so you know)

Loki is a Trickster, and he's far from alone in myth and legend. Anansi, Coyote, and Sun Wukong are some you may have heard of. Aaravos is another, of course. Tricksters can be called upon to lend aid and wisdom when the rules don't have an answer for some extraordinary circumstance which the Trickster's people find themselves in. But that's not because they are truly outside the rule of order. They are actually a part of it. They are the catch-all for when the everyday ordinary rules fail people, and something "unthinkable"--in the literal sense--might just hold the answer.

This post crossed my dash today, and something finally clicked in my head, and all of this coalesced from what felt like separate places. But they're not separate, not anymore! Serotonin, baby. It's basically upped my headcanon to a full-blown theory.

What caught my eye was an answer to why Ethari's clothing is so determinedly asymmetrical, compared to Runaan's specifically, but Moonshadows in general. It's because of this:

Long protective sleeves below patterns on shoulders. A high collar paired with a bright and noticeable swoop around the neck. Fine detailing and graceful taste. Asymmetrical tunic point on the left, below broad strappy leather. Knee high boots with stylish protective gaiters.

And let's not forget the curling horns! In some comics, Loki has a broken horn. So does Ethari.

Yes, there is a lot of similarity here, but I'm not focused so much on the visuals as the reason they were chosen. Feel free to consider other aspects of Ethari's personality and how they might be similar to certain parts of Loki's. I did! But I wouldn't be me if I didn't go deeper than that.

My favorite book in the universe (so far) is Lois McMaster Bujold's The Curse of Chalion, and one of the many reasons why is because of her pantheon. It holds five gods, represented by a hand: Father, Mother, Son, Daughter, and Bastard. The first four all have their roles and places. The Bastard--the thumb--inherits everything else. He is the god of all things that do not belong to any other gods, and that includes self-sacrificing vengeance and queerness. He is a Trickster, and his influence on Cazaril's life is far deeper than at first glance. Chaos has its place. It belongs, and so do the Tricksters who engender it. God, I love this book. Please read it if you haven't. Bujold's work is amazing.

If you've seen or read any version of MDZS/Untamed, you know that Wei WuXian is a trickster. Competent and badass in battle, but playful and teasing to the point where sometimes even he isn't sure what he truly wants, he can bring a massive amount of power and focus when he wants to. It's always a matter of "but is it important to me?"

I love WWX so much. The Trickster vibe is very apparent in his character, and in a way you just don't get in Western media. We see him on his own, and we see him with family and loved ones. And he's always feeling something so intensely! He's driven by his emotions, for good or ill. He vibes with chaos, and he will create it if it doesn't exist yet. But he will also create family from nothing, and that's something you don't see enough of! WWX is a Trickster with an emotional preference for joy.

In TDP, Ethari doesn't have a lot of lore yet. It's being Moonshadowed because spoilers for future seasons, and I respect that. The longer the wait for S4, the more ideas I will just amuse myself with in the meantime--and yeah, this is one of them, so what? :))) But we do know a little about him.

He loves music. He loves to read. He leaves his mark on things in swirly form. He works very hard, even through headaches, because what he's doing is that important to him, even though he would much rather be making jewelry. He loves taking the time to polish rough stones into brilliant jewels, and he adores big pretty flowers and had them at his wedding.

Ethari has a temper, but he also loves puns. The weapons he crafts are exquisite: "light, elegant, strong, and clever." And he knew darn well that Runaan was trying to flirt with him, but why return a sentiment he may or may not feel yet when he can play with the overly earnest assassin just a little bit first?

Okay, just... A "simple craftsman" deciding that it's going to be fun to toy for a bit with a broody assassin's feelings? Would you risk that? Ethari got balls the size of the moon, and a brain to match. When he has to make weaponry, he does not half-ass it. Ethari's stabby creations nearly have a life of their own. His creations are literally called "trick weapons." This elf is a lot, okay. And it's possible that he doesn't even know how "a lot" he is. Yet.

We're meeting Ethari after he's found something that is, in fact, genuinely important to him: Runaan, and Rayla, and Laindrin too. Ethari has found a relatively stable place to settle and find a role to adopt. I say adopt, though, because making weaponry for his loved ones is not what he grew up wanting to do. It's what he had to do to keep them safe, once he found a place to bestow his heart.

But in the show, Ethari has lost his family, one by one. First Lain and Tiadrin, ghosted. Then Runaan, supposedly fallen on his mission. Then Rayla, ghosted for abandoning Runaan. He and Rayla have reconnected now, but the rest of his family is still out of his reach. If Rayla has indeed told him, by S4, what she learned at the Moonhenge in TTM, then Ethari may parallel Rayla's journey to seek answers. But even if he doesn't know yet, and gets pulled into some other story arc first, we will be seeing Ethari without his family.

Remember the ATLA episode "Zuko Alone"? Consider: "Ethari Alone."

Ethari has chosen, for love, to fit himself into a box that wasn't of his own making. And now that box has broken. His family doesn't need him to be their craftsman anymore. Perhaps others will need him to be other things to them. Or perhaps he will know that his family does need him, but to be far more than just a maker of pretty swords. A rescuer, perhaps. A healer, a guide? An avenger?

A trickster. Capable of taking many shapes, because he understands them all. Ethari works with form and function. If he needs to transform himself, he will.

That's what Tricksters do. It's delightfully queer and delightfully neurodivergent. Ancient peoples accepted and revered the different among them and actively sought their help with things they themselves struggled with.

Tricksters are Difference. Sometimes that manifests as chaos, sometimes as genius. But if you do not love and appreciate your chaos, it will absolutely turn on you. Wei Wuxian did. Loki certainly has, many times. Perhaps Aaravos is doing so as well.

I cannot wait to see what Ethari does with his difference. I have something very specific that I hope he goes and breaks.

All this from a picture of Tom Hiddleston in his Avengers 1 Loki costume? Yeah. Because Ethari was designed to wear asymmetrical clothing, in a Moonshadow culture that prides itself on balance. Sure, there are some other Moonshadows who wear this or that asymmetrical item, and I do love to see it. But Ethari has the most asymmetrical lines of them all. The meta glee I feel knowing that Moonshadow elves are designed to hold many layers of meaning in their appearances--that the writers, creators, and character designers just flexed with them--is truly a delight.

Ethari is asymmetrical. The full and practical application of that is a glass casket, and I hope it becomes a gift that keeps on giving, because boy do I want to keep receiving it. But right now, I'm genuinely seeing evidence of the Trickster archetype in him. And I really hope it gets to come out and play.

[mc-critical]

your analysis of selim? i think he's hated way more than he deserves. hating him for valid reasons is fine but telling that he's gonna be such a bad sultan is really stupid [and especially because only now do they bring out history & say selim was bad which is historically inaccurate as well]. out of all of suleyman's sons, it was only mustafa who was loved by all & talented [show only cuz apparently mehmet was also extremely talented & selim wasn't a bad sultan] enough for the throne. bayezid was extremely hotheaded and you can't tell me that a prince who can't control his emotions, especially in front of state officials, will be a good sultan. everyone tells selim was extremely selfish & the instigator of all their fights, when they were younger & older. siblings are always like that?? mustafa obviously wasn't like that because he was way older than mehmet, mihrimah, selim, bayezid & cihangir to get into stupid fights w/ them. mehmet & mihrimah had frequent & annoying arguments because they were closer in age. selim & bayezid had frequent fights because they were closer in age. this is a thing with many siblings; the elder provoking the younger & the younger disrespecting the elder. why do people point out their sibling fights as evidence for selim's personality? i feel sorry for bayezid as a kid but i feel less remorse for him as he's older. i don't say he deserves execution, especially at the hands of his own father, but he did rebel against his father's order & then proceeded to flee to another empire; like, the punishment for that is execution, what did he expect after rebelling? i feel extremely sorry for all his sons though, they didn't deserve this fate when they were just victims of their father's rebellion. also, unpopular opinion but bayezid is lowkey overrated pls don't cancel me i love him but he's annoying at times like all characters & no one really acknowledges it back to selim, he was honestly very underrated. he was really slandered in the series and he didn't have any real support w/ him until nurbanu & sokollu. although hurrem did vouch for him to go to manisa, it was literally only because he was 'peaceful' [we can read that as untalented as well] and no harm would reach him because he wasn't a threat [i actually really liked this plan of hurrem's, tough & clever; only if she was actually supported in this]. even mihrimah, till the end, is quite unfair to him. he had a problem w/ alcohol & people telling him to just stop? like, it doesn't work that way? people have to suffer so much in order to stop their addictions & they're actually restricted from their addictions; selim was a prince, no one around him could restrict him [his parents could but they weren't w/ him in his provinces]. he did become politically active w/ nurbanu's growing ambitions & he took smarter, more cunning & dirtier measures than bayezid to win the throne. the battle for the throne was bloody; resorting to honour like mustafa did was obviously not the best decision & people insult selim for being cunning enough [or being influenced by cunning people] to win the throne. let's also keep in mind that selim didn't even have much of an interest for the throne until manisa & nurbanu. i also like his relationship w/ nurbanu. it paralleled suleyman & hurrem's w/ the concubine arcs but selim did end up being monogamous to her in the show. their chemistry was fantastic [props to engin & merve for their acting] and although i don't really enjoy the 'a woman makes a man strong & influences him in everything; good or evil' kind of take, i did enjoy their relationship [he also sometimes looked at her like she was this ethereal type miracle, appropriately so w/ her courage]. i like what the show did w/ bayezid's execution a lot, the whole scene was such a wonderful cinematic experience; the music, bayezid's agonizing screams, his sons falling one by one, selim crying because he didn't want it to end up this way, bayezid falling & his screams ceasing, selim's heartbroken face because he was always a soft person & he always loved bayezid;

ahh, what a scene, so much love for it. anyway, that's just my opinion; i think he's hated way more than he deserves, especially in comparison to other characters & he's actually one of my most favourite characters from s4 [but i honestly love all characters w/ their good & bad, mc has many complex characters & i live for it]. what do you think about selim? sorry if you got annoyed at the long ask, i can get really heated when talking about selim [especially in reference to his historical figure], hope you don't mind if❤ [if it is annoying i'll stop it]

(okay, I'll talk strictly about the show, since I don't feel like delving deep into historical waters. There is still stuff we don't know for sure and I do want to keep the line between show and history in my head, except for the similar themes.)

While he isn't particularly my favorite character, I appreciate MC Selim and he is a very interesting subject when it comes to analyzing him. I'm actually amazed with what the show did with him in the span of a season (and something, counting some S02B and S03B moments) - he was one of the most fleshed out characters in S04 and we could get a clear picture as to why he does what he does.

Some people consider his debut to be an insult, for it immediately showed some of his weaknesses, putting him in a bad light right out of the gate. But all I can see in this debut is a showcase of his predicament of the prince no one sees as a capable heir of the throne. It’s as if he sleeps with women and drinks as a coping mechanism he’s delved into, with Mihrimah having to do effort to snap him out of it. The Selim we see in the beginning of S04 is a hopeless person. He doesn’t have dreams and ambitions, it’s as if he’s a already a lost cause and he has no one to truly support him. Even Hürrem wanted to send him to Manisa not because she deemed him as worthy, but to use him as a shield in order to deceive her enemies and protect the actual favorite. That may seem like a clever plan, but in actuality, it failed spectacularly - not only did her enemies not get confused for a second and didn’t attack Selim at all, but she forgot to tell Bayezid why she did it and made Selim confused to the point of demotivation, because none of his brothers were truly happy with this decision and they were all opposing it, directly and indirectly. And while he may not show it that much, because of his more composed and pragmatic nature, Selim is sensitive to the opinions of his brothers and the people around him and their prevailing disapproval may be a part of why he became so different than the rest. It’s like no one wanted to get to know him.

Nurbanu’s entrance in Selim’s life is very cathartic in this aspect, for she actually worked with him and gave him the needed motivation and ambition to fight, awaking sides of him that were dormant for a long time. And yes, I do think that Selim’s pragmatism is something he always had, if the whole arrow incident in S03B where he sabotaged Bayezid’s arrow, which caused him to lose is any indication. 

{I don’t think that the quarrels Selim and Bayezid had when they were little are so much indicators of Selim’s personality as they are foreshadowing of their future conflict. Right, these quarrels are normal for siblings and Mehmet and Mihrimah also fought like that (heck, even little Mehmet and Mustafa had a fight once in S01 and that fight was used as the conflict of the remainder of that one episode), but they weren’t as frequent as the ones of Selim and Bayezid. I don’t know, it’s just the atmosphere of these scenes was different and hinted at something more. It could be because we know the historical events and we could see every tiniest bit of early sibling rivalry between them as build-up, but still, I always felt there just was something else. Like the whole arrow incident I mentioned, a presumably harmless little situation gains a whole other meaning later on. It sets up neatly Süleiman’s opinions of both of them (his reaction to apparent disobedience and the making of a scene by someone he doesn’t expect to, by which I mean Bayezid), Hürrem’s retroactive ignorance of a possible bigger enmity and the roots of the whole conflict. It’s not Selim deciding to sabotage Bayezid’s performance as a last resort, maybe knowing that he surely won’t do better than his brother (doing a pretty typical ,,prank’’ for a little, naughty kid) that is exemplary of his cunning later, it’s his validation and him getting away with it that eventually becomes it, just like how he ends up getting away with stuff in the next season. Selim definetly isn’t the instigator of all the fights, especially because Bayezid, thanks to his more impulsive nature, is much more likely to start a fight in the first place and contrasts to Selim’s overall better composure. Provokations among them were mutual and both were consistently throwing darts at each other, one after another. Their conflict is a very nuanced issue: while people try to play right and wrong, both sides were at fault one way or another. The conflict between them is mostly caused by insensitivity, favoritism and ignorance and the desperation of both to try to prove themselves to their parents and win their support, at the end of the day. Why did they always calm down in front of their mother? Not only because of their joint respect for her, but also because of these same attempts to earn her support. Even Bayezid, who obviously had to be sure of her support, wasn’t completely certain of it after Hurrem turned it on Selim for a while. Selim, on the other hand, obviously never felt her support, it’s like something was missing right from the start. Combine that with their completely opposing personalities and the whole system encouraging competition for the throne and there you have the inevitable ultimate conclusion. That’s why I also love the set-up, the pay-off and the aftermath of Bayezid’s execution. It may be historically inaccurate that Selim, not Süleiman, executed Bayezid, but when you think about it, it was the most logical thing that could’ve happened, ending their conflict with a heart-wrenching bow. I love the scene of the execution itself, too - the action, the dialogue, the direction, the character moments, the themes... I don’t know whether Selim loved Bayezid by that point, per say, after all they went through, but it was clear that he knew that he had to do it, that it couldn’t have ended any other way, but he was broken over it. He was aware that it was, ultimately, a sin, which would continue haunting him. He couldn’t catch a break afterwards, he couldn’t stop. All was solved, but at what cost?}

I love his dynamic with Nurbanu - they balanced each other off so well, their chemistry was amazing, such a power couple. Nurbanu’s biggest contribution is hiding some of his flaws and mobilizing him to fight. Her cold pragmatism ,,grounds’’ Selim’s softer side, she’s there to always remind him of the stakes of the game and to shut off the last ounces of his vulnerabilities after Hurrem died. He sure is influenced by her, but that doesn’t mean that he blindly takes her word for everything - he is always ready to call her out when necessary and assure her that there are lines she shouldn’t cross. Despite of her pleas, he kept having affairs with other women (that is honestly a trend with all the men of the show, but still..), he got mad at her after what happened to Huricihan and most notably, after he found out that she possibly stole his mother’s ring. A part of why their dynamic works so well is precisely this strenght of character and their awesome compatibility. 

I have heard affirmations that Selim doesn’t care about Mustafa, which... simply isn’t true? While they have the least scenes together and Selim is the one that considers him most as a rival and his most dangerous competitor for the throne (which would explain his startled reaction after Musti saved him from the janissary), it’s precisely Mustafa’s death that is the turning point of his character arc. He was upping his game slowly but surely and before then, but he didn’t do much in terms of attacks. Neither Selim, nor Nurbanu once considered attacking Mustafa, the supposed biggest danger to them, which I find respectable and admirable. The bomb with the death drops and then every hope about a fair game is abandoned. Selim gets the realization that being honorable won’t work. The only way to win is bend the system and play dirty. There’s no time for sitting around or looking nice. And even though Nurbanu realized this, too, as well as Selim, Nurbanu was always more inclined to act this way than him and now the righteousness of her methods were only getting confirmed. It was Selim that had to reach this end. Discovering that he is no longer allowed to show any kind of weakness. Every chance that appears on the horizon, he’ll take it. That brings him to his first true dirty plan - the trap he set through the fake Mustafa rebellion.

Speaking of which, the worst deed of Selim’s for me is connected to that rebellion. I know I may be very biased in this regard, since it affects my personal favorite character and isn’t as recalled as others, but I hated when, in Selim and Sokollu’s attempts to wash their hands from the pulled off stunt, Sokollu, his man, told SS that Mahidevran was giving money to the rebellion. Okay, it’s not said outright whether is this directly tied to Selim or it was something Sokollu himself came up with out of desperation or something (though it was hinted that both thought something through in a scene where both were saying that they should come clean out of this all somehow) and it’s not outrightly confirmed whether Mahidevran gave the money or not (I highly doubt she did it; not only because it would destroy her whole S04 arc and she would become, well... MCK Gulbahar, but also because after the messenger told her of her alleged blame in E129, her eyes widened in surprise.), but all it does is be the only explicit case where Selim indeed looks bad, for his proposal to return Mahidevran in the castle doesn’t seem to stem from genuine guilt and remorse, but rather a late and empty attempt to placate his own conscience. Oh, not to mention (for the upteenth time, sorry in advance) how the scene back in E58 where Hurrem tells Mahidevran that her kids will be there taking care for her when she’s alone, which was treated as some big foreshadowing in the show, as well, by both the voice of the S02B narrative and the fandom alike, loses its value even more with that framing, because Selim and Sokollu themselves brought her to this state in the first place!!! Despite it making sense anyway, it’s still such a disservice to Selim as a person both inside and outside of the writing. 

One aspect of Selim’s pragmatism I find most interesting is his ability to turn his enemies into allies, knowing exactly how to amass them and get them on his side, be it through giving them more money and promising them the world. These alliances are all opportunistic in nature and may not be as loyal as those of Mustafa’s or of Mustafa’s people (like Atmaca) with Bayezid, but I think Selim knows this and wants to keep them steady enough for the common goal. As for what kind of a padisah he’ll be.... I believe that state matters would be the least of his concerns, since he was shown to not care so much about them, compared to his other brothers (but then again, the show itself doesn’t put the political capability of the princes at center stage - their personal virtues are always the determining factor of what makes a good padisah and what doesn’t, more of a psychological outlook, if you will.) and he perhaps won’t plan as many campaigns or conquer as many territories, maybe he won’t be that successful at all, but his cunning would bring him advantage in front of his people, he will be at least a bit careful of who he’s choosing and won’t simply lose it in front of everyone, compared to Bayezid’s impulsive temper.

[I love Bayezid as a character, but the shadier aspects of his personality sure tend to be overlooked. While his anger is directed mainly at Selim and Suleiman, it often reaches such extremes to the point it becomes destructive and affects everyone. He doesn’t deserve his execution at all and most of his actions stem from a very sympathetic place, given how SS never truly gave him a chance and he went on the inevitable path, because he, just like Selim, realized that honor won’t work in this war, but took the opposite approach from Mustafa, direct rebellion. And predictably, both approaches didn’t work since Bayezid, too, was taken advantage of. While he didn’t get justice, the lead-up to his execution is a character arc of his and there are many reasons and events linking it all together and showing us why it took place the way it did.]

Selim’s dynamic with Suleiman is proof of how you can be presumably favored, but you have to work to get there. The reasons Suleiman favored him are very telling and sad and we see that he also doesn’t favor him because of any and all capabilities he may have, but because of his self-imposed distorted view of loyalty Selim has to do a lot to preserve, actually. He constantly has to make it so it looks like he’s loyal and obedient and doesn’t work behind his back. He doesn’t get the fullest appreciation from his father, as well, and I certainly feel it impacts him, in a way.

I agree that Mihrimah could be unfair to Selim. They weren’t that close and she had this open preference to Bayezid. Most annoyingly is when, in their confrontation in E139, which highlights even more their parallel sins, Mihrimah doesn’t seem to face that sin of hers when Selim calls her out on it. She has a reason to deeply resent him after what he did to Bayezid, but was offended when he reminded her of the crime she also committed. More solidarity on that front would be a bit better, at least a hint of like recognizing like even for a moment. (but maybe then her scene with Mahidevran later wouldn’t be as impactful? Huh.)

And lastly, about his drinking - Nurbanu tried to restrict him, but it’s true that such habits aren’t easy to give up on, especially knowing how his drinking is a coping mechanism as much as it is something he enjoys. He knows he shouldn’t do it, he’s told he shouldn’t do it, but he can’t help it. He doesn’t drink when he’s planning or scheming, but he keeps on doing it more and more with every problematic action of his. It’s an attempt to supress his otherwise strong conscience to the max, seeing how after his brother’s execution he apparently always took a drink when he was alone at night, fighting an inner conflict with himself. I don’t think there was a way he could stop doing it permanently in the show. It was a part of who he was, unfortunately or not. 

[kikyoinuyashashipper]

Anime, is anime. Nothing is gonna be or look as it should. Whether it's a specific anime or anything else, but also this is facts 😂 I wonder what I'd look like if I was a anime character ����?

One of The awesome,funny and honestly interesting thing about it.

Things are not always as they seem, they could look one way but be absolutely the opposite and visaversa, not only is this kinda realistic in a wayis, let me exonerate, people are all different whether it be skin color sizes,hair color, personalities and whatnot, there are also those in real life that look older than they actually are, and the same can be said for the opposite, there are people that look younger than they actually are, and as of recently I've noticed the Loli controversy is starting up again, I personally don't really care for loli's that much like I have a crush on one like honey senpai is shouta(male older than he looks because he has child like features opposite of Loli ) I'll just turn myself into a Loli to be with him no big deal, don't get me wrong the Loli and shouta are adorable and really cool at times, but for me when I simp over a character I'm kinda into those like ban 7deadly sins(got them abs😆) but if you show me a image of them "aged up" or more defined and with more mature looking features (abs) that's what I'm into you show me an adorable anime guy like mitsukuni Haninozuka imma be pinching cheeks and snuggles, and eating cake, and stealing a kiss or 2 that's, now I've seen mitsukuni with more mature features/having puberty/growth spurt hitting him hard and I simp, and this is me with preference I guess you can say, I like anime abs, I don't mind a guy that's cute and chubby tho because I can just imagine them with abs and I simp, and without abs I'm also a person who admires a great personality not just the body, like Viktor from Yuri on ice I haven't seen it yet but I at least know his name but he's adorable chubby and smoking when he loses the weight 🤤🔥❤️.

And no matter what age they originally are, I'm not going to be thinking about that, I'll be thinking of me and that character I like regardless, if the character is younger ,then I'm younger and we will hold hands, and get ice cream, puppy love, if we are older still holding hands, and getting ice cream and throw in the romantic aspect, such as dates marriage, having intercourse, having kids,a future, growing old together,then dying and going to heaven together yeah I can imagine that as well, I can change them older or younger or myself older or younger because it is fiction and a fantasy and there is no reality, it can be whatever I want in the fantasy if I imagine a age difference since imma girl and their the boy if I'm older I automatically think of omgoodness he's in love with his senpai, or his best friends mom, or his babysitter, or with the older single lady who helped him once when he was little who he spent time with over time having fun, like going to the park talking about videogames,or other normal everyday stuff, who he grew a crush on over time and feels it turned into something more when he got older, her thinking of him as a child until he matured/legal age out of school already and he made moves on her showing he wanted to be anything but a child with her,her not accepting his feelings,yet over time he grows on her and her feelings change and decides to give him a chance, then they get married and live happily ever after, same thing if it's the opposite way. How a character looks despite age depends on the creator as in most cases age isn't important for the moral or for the telling of the story. Now for definitions, Loli has 2 definitions and both go for this word. Loli is a female child, that's one definition now here's the 2nd definition as well Loli also means a adult or person of legal age who has the attributes, features, or characteristics of a child while being anything but that.

Shouta is the opposite of Loli its a male child/ a adult who has the attributes/features/characteristics of a child but is anything but that.

In real life I have been mistaken as a child/minor I've been told I looked 12 or 16 very rarely ever got an answer above those ages highest I got was 20 something. When I got called 12 I was a 17 (turning 18 after graduation) senior in highschool, even the freshman thought I was one of them. Now I'm 19 gonna be 20 soon and am out of school and was called a 16 yr old by a 17 year old girl still in highschool.

I guess I could be defined as a Loli when I'm anything but a child.

Yet I'm also well endowed on my upper half of my body and have back pain because of it, in other words I got a pair of tits, and was called a hentai girl, by other people who liked manga and anime as well, even though I was called a child by others. So I have in body mature features (defined by a person or two as a hentai body),by my face I'm a Loli and look like a child(also defined by a person or two as younger than I am) when I'm a adult. So I'mma Loli hentai girl in the real world? No idea, but wait I can't define myself by fictional standards? correct. so imma human being who looks younger than they are.

Imma tag everyone I can.

This can actually go for all aspects of animation not just anime, Princess's are from 14+ snow white was 14 fun fact there, wouldn't really be able to tell. Age difference is in everything, and I still enjoy snow white it's actually one of my favorite Disney films before and after I even knew this information, and I honestly have no problem with it, mostly because for that time it's considered normal, and I was a kid and just saw a princess movie, I didn't think that their ages were relevant to the story/stories. Besides sleeping beauties 16 got spindle pricked on a spinning wheel and fell into a deep sleep, Wich was going to be death but was changed. In the original sleeping beauty, she was put to sleep for 100years as was her kingdom, the kingdom was covered in brambles/thorns (rose thorns to be specific but they didn't bloom because they were enchanted and used for defense to make sure the spell couldn't be broken), and each time someone thought to go near, or try to save the kingdom to free it's people the ground would break open underneath them swallowing them up, right where the brambles/thorns started at the end of the kingdom, so even if they managed to get past the area where the earth broke the enchanted thorns (rose thorns) would rip them to shreds, with their blood and bodies fertilizing the ground and the thorns would grow. This happened for many years until everyone forgot about it, then finally 100 years had passed and the roses finally bloomed, a prince was coming through and had heard of the kingdom and of the many who lost their lives trying to enter and was going to explore and see if he can find a way in, to see the beauty that was rumoured to live there. When he arrives the Thorn's were in bloom and the ground didn't break but allowed him to pass, the thorns actually even made way for him to go through. When he got into the kingdom he saw everything and everyone fast asleep noone had aged a day, then he explored and discovered the princess and this is where it gets kinda dark compared to Disney's version. So rape trigger warning don't read unless you want and can handle it.

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The prince saw the beauty and instead of doing true loves kiss to break the spell, he raped her multiple times and then he left and never returned. Beauty then became pregnant while still asleep, she had twins, and as they wriggled around searching to breastfeed one of them caught onto her finger with the spindle splinter in her finger, it sucked on her finger and managed to get the splinter out, Wich then awoke the princess and the rest of the kingdom, who was a very confused princess, and now a new mother with no idea who "prince charming" was. And that's actually the original telling of sleeping beauty, there are other versions that are less dark,but this is the original as far as I know and the oldest I could find that was in English.