#FUCKING DRAG DISNEY STAR WARS FANS

[kuwdora]

Star Wars audiobooks! I've been restless for new Star Wars since Andor ended. Been going through a handful of Disney era and Legends novels over the last few months. I have enough reactions to get down into an actual post. Mostly I'm just going to be foaming at the mouth over Marc Thompson and Sam Witwer's narration and falling over myself about the characters. I have listened to: Dark Disciple, Last Shot, Disney Thrawn trilogy, Heir to the Empire, Darth Maul: Shadow Hunter. Lots of these books I liked, some of them I didn't but the narration and characters are still amazing. Motherfucking MARA JADE. Asajj Ventress!!!!!!!! I have no rational mind about Maul and I am one of those feral stick figures chewing on Thrawn. Hnnghh.

First of all, let me start with Marc Thompson. He's been doing the audiobooks for years and years now. Here’s a great intro where he’s talking about the differences of doing character voices and learning the importance of bringing the right dynamic to the prose. He slips so seamlessly into his Star Wars voices reel, ahaha.

Here is a really cute Lip Sync Battle where Marc Thompson will say a line and then have a fan lip sync the same line back at the camera. His energy, his energy I love it so much. Everyone is having SO MUCH FUN. There’s also a cameo by Star Wars author Christie Golden in this video. Super cute.

First book:

Dark Disciple - Christie Golden Narrated by Marc Thompson

Alright I actually had picked this up ages go from my library and never read it but since I’ve been on an audiobook kick, Marc Thompson got me goin’ with alllll his voices.

I love Asajj Ventress so I was pretty much guaranteed to enjoy something from this book. Apparently it was written based on some unfinished scripts for an arc that would have happened if the show didn’t get cancelled. Knowing this makes a lot more sense with regards to the pacing and I think I would have preferred the animated episodic for this since I think a lot of the early Quinlan and Asajj stuff dragged a little too much. However I did appreciate getting more of a deeper dive in Asajj’s head and it really made me want to go digging through AO3 for some amazing character studies that I know must exist at this point.

But yeah, I didn’t think I’d enjoy the eventual romance between Asajj and Quinlan but Quinlan was such a perfect set-up for a fall from the Jedi Order. I think I’m just really easy when it comes to whumping the fuck out of Jedi with torture and their own emotional repression.

I was really into all the Dathomir scenes and the history of Asajj with her sisters being touched upon again and how she managed to not “go crazy from the dark side” because of the balance she found because she was a Nightsister.

A++ for Asajj having to go to Boba fucking Fett to mount a rescue mission inside a fake heist.

Really I think I’m just so easy for murdery women with a rage boner. Fuck Dooku.

Marc Thompson’s narration was a delight and I definitely would recommend this for anyone who enjoyed The Clone Wars series and wanted to get a little more Asajj screen time. Here’s a scene where someone pulled Clone Wars clips and put Dark Disciple audio underneath. Marc Thompson bringing incredible Dooku subservience and Sidious danger, hhhngh.

7/10, would listen to again even though I'd rather see the finished episodes.

Last Shot (A Han and Lando Novel) - Daniel Jose Older Narrated by Marc Thompson, Daniel Jose Older and January LaVoy

This book was extremely disappointing. Normally I am a fan of seeing fan-favorites have their mid-life crises but I was extremely bored and over with Older’s take on Han having an existential crisis of who he was as a father an husband in this post-Empire world. Lando on the other hand, was having a crisis of genuinely having fallen in love and not knowing how to handle that. I fucking loved that.

This book had multiple timelines and jumped around a lot and I don’t know if I just wasn’t focused enough while listening but the timeline jumps were jarring and incomprehensible at times. The action plot ended up being rather unsatisfying.

It was also very jarring to have three narrators for the different timelines and I kind of feel bad because I went and looked and Older’s narration is just consistently getting panned across all reviewers—and for good reason. Thompson and LaVoy are experienced voice actors and with Older in the middle, Older just seems slapdash in his reading. If it was just Older all the way through I might have been more forgiving but going back and forth with everyone… it really was painful at times.

It was a slog to get through this book, really. What I actually really enjoyed was all the original characters: an Ewok slicer, a nonbinary hot shot pilot, and Lando’s love of his life whose name is slipping my mind even now, agh. I wasn’t fan of the villain character, unfortunately, and it was a bit of a letdown that the action plot was just… I don’t know, boring. It was a riff on transhumanism except with droids and a bit of droid supremacy to it and I was just... tired by it.

Marc Thompson was KILLING it tho. His performances always fucking delight me. January LaVoy’s narration of Lando and L-3 were also really great even though I just wasn’t into the scenes themselves.

3/10 - do not recommend, HOWEVER I would read fic about the lady ewok hacker Peekpa.

Darth Maul: Shadow hunter By Michael Reeves Narrated by SAM WITWER

I am, as the fannish parlance goes, Not Normal about Maul or Sam Witwer's performance as Maul.

This novel takes place just before the events of The Phantom Menace and it’s a Star Wars story that is very, very narrow in scope. The stakes are still very high because someone has gained information about the Trade Federation’s impending blockade and Sidious sends Maul to go and take care of it. The whole story takes place in the underbelly of Coruscant and I gotta say, it’s really refreshing after going through a bunch of Star Wars shows, books and films where it’s all galactic hopping whirlwind stuff to have that's in one place and happening in a short amount of time. I think it's something like 2 or 3 days that all the events happen.

Michael Reeves is a man of deep characterization and creates an amazing sense of place in the Black Sun alley of Corusant. We get very little Sidious and Maul interaction but what bits we do get are fascinating and haunting. I do like the ‘less is more’ approach here with these two...although I will say I’m not sure I would have picked up this book if I hadn’t gone through The Clone Wars and lost my goddamn mind over Sam Witwer’s portrayal of Maul.

And his performance here. In this book. I don’t know what it is about Witwer but when he does Maul my brain just lights up in a way that I haven’t really gotten outside of live theater performances. He brings this sense of ruthlessness and competence to Maul, his gleeful rage and oscillating mania as he ends up tracking an information broker and Jedi Padawan. Oh, Witwer is truly just. Fucking amazing, okay.

I would love this book even if it wasn’t Witwer narrating it but my god he elevates it to a whole new level. I got my copy from the library but it is immediately on my to-buy list once I can buy books again.

Michael Reeves also wrote for Batman the Animated series and Gargoyles which makes a whole lot of sense in the way he’s able to just create such lush sensory detail of place and people, oh holy fuck. He’s the writer who wrote the Gargoyles episode about Broadway accidentally shooting Elisa with her gun (this is an episode that got pulled from airing and I don’t think they have on Disney+ right now). Aw man, alright I definitely need to read more of his stuff now.

The action plot is Lorn Pavan is a down-on-his-luck fellow who got information he shouldn’t have and he is trying to sell it, Darsha the Jedi Padawan gets sent down to bring in a Black Sun informant and things go tits up for her in horrible ways. Darsha and Lorn’s paths collide and they try to survive Maul. I love everything about these characters, except for the end where Lorn started having romantic feelings about the Padawan. Blech.

Also somehow I think I-5 is now my second favorite droid character I’ve come across in the greater Star Wars canon (Chopper will always be my #1 grumpy cat droid). Witwer has the best dry delivery for the droid character. Like. It’s so fucking GOOD.

I’m also impossibly impressed and obsessed with Witwer’s performance of Sidious and the Jedi Council. His Qui-Gon is SO FUCKING GOOD. His Palaptine has my teeth rattling in my head oh my god.

Here’s the first 5 or so minutes of Shadow Hunter, hhnngh. You get Maul, Sidious a drunk Lorn Pavan, and my new droid bestie I-5:

I am 100% going to be reading Michael Reeves’ other Star Wars novels. Apparently he has a series that follows a Jedi-in-hiding post-Order 66 and I want to just dunk my head in all the Star Wars noir, I guess, yes please.

10/10 - I love, would heartily recommend to anyone wanting a kind of story that’s more heavy on character and setting and also SAM WITWER!!!!!!!!! Maul. Hnnghghghgh.

TIMOTHY ZAHN TIME.

Thrawn Trilogy (Disney era) Thrawn, Thrawn Alliances, Thrawn Treason Narrated by Marc Thompson

This was my second time through the Disney novels. I watched Star Wars Rebels first, then my friend jb_slasher told me about Thrawn having novels. I had vaguely heard of Heir to the Empire over the years and also my friend recommended the Disney trilogy so I figured I’d start with that since I was diving off from Disney canon anyway.

My god I love this trilogy so fuckin’ much. Marc Thompson out here nailing it. This Thrawn is the type of character who is always the smartest person in the room and I should get irritated by that like all the other characters but mmmm, I have a competence kink. And I am just over the moon with how he instills loyally and allegiance in his crew who can now have a commander who is not interested in politicking his way through things but actually is committed to strategy and whatnot.

Also fucking Zahn made Thrawn go back to space college. And gave him a little protege who he grew to admire. Eli Vanto is a great character, I am reading a lot of slash about them obviously but yeah, I loved seeing his growth throughout the trilogy. And THRAWN ALLIANCE. Y’all. Y’all. The Star Wars memes about Thrawn and Darth Vader and Anakin Skywalker are AMAZING and really do the hilarity so much justice. Here's a fantastic book trailer cut together with Marc Thompson' narration, hnngh.

This man absolutely knows who Darth Vader is and Darth Vader is like “oh fuck no you don’t.” And when Thrawn had met Anakin during the Clone Wars and Anakin had to try and work together with him? Perfection. Bonus Padme getting to be a ridiculous and foolish badass when she goes looking for trouble. And also her also having a competence kink for Thrawn, too. It cracks me the fuck uuuuuup, okay.

Thrawn absolutely hates politics so fucking much and I love to see how that is the primary way he gets thwarted or has to build his strategy around. Because people are fucking assholes and political everywhere. Seriously, have I mentioned how much I love Marc Thompson??

Thrawn Treason gave us more of Thrawn’s people and whatnot with the Chiss which I also liked but I’m really less interested in their motivations and experiences as a culture on the edge of the Empire. More here for Vanto now getting to be the fish-out-of-water and leveling up and getting all the respect he deserves.

MARC THOMPSON, y’all. He does a great Thrawn, an AMAZING whinybaby sycophant Ronan of the Starkiller Project, and his Eli Vanto Space Yokel intonation is 💋. Also I feel like the loyalty and trust that Thrawn earns from his subordinates really feeds into this praise kink thing that everyone develops by being around him. I love it.

10/10 will lose my mind and listen/read this trilogy again and also read all the fanfic about it.

Heir to the Empire Timothy Zahn

I am sorry it took me 30 years to get here but I AM NOW HERE FOR MARA JADE’S RAGE BONER. Let me repeat: MARA. JADE. !!!!!!!!!

Also holy fuck. Luke Skywalker getting to be smart, technically creative and able to navigate through terrible situations in spite of a Force-Blocking Macguffin is AMAZING. I was not expecting to be this into a post-Empire Luke but I really fucking loved it.

I also love all of the Han and Lando scenes in this (WAY MORE than Last Shot, sorry Daniel Jose Older).

Leia and Chewie!! On Kashyyk!! Talon Karrde was so great (Thompson made him kind of sound like Antonio Banderas??)

Thrawn and his bestie Pelleaon! What a fascinating dynamic.

I actually was not very into Thrawn’s vibes in this book as much as I was in the Disney stuff. I don’t know if it’s because of the vibes they wrote him in Star Wars rebels that got filtered back into Zahn’s take on him for the books (or if it was the other way around?) - Like, the calculating tactical and man of strategy is still there, but… hm, I’ve been struggling to articulate what about it that didn’t tickle me as much. He’s still playing the long game in every situation but I don’t know… I think there’s this more pragmatic view of people he has in the Disney books that he doesn’t get here in the first of this trilogy. I haven’t gotten to the other two books from this series yet so maybe I’ll feel differently later. The anniversary edition of the audiobook that I got from my library was narrated by Marc Thompson and he (you'll be so surprised) fucking nailed it all for me. Love love love.

10/10 timothy zahn, I love you. You got an amazing way of writing action. I gotta read more of your stuff. Anyway, I'm also starting the Ahsoka novella that I think (??) is not quite canon anymore since they got a final season for Clone Wars, but it's by E.K. Johnston and narrated by Ahoska's voice actor Ashley Eckstein. Don't have enough thoughts about it yet but I love Ahsoka so I'm sure I'll have a decent time.

[vavandeveresfan]

Things I like/love that have been ruined in canon.

In no particular order:

Star Trek: I was so-so about all the TV sequels/prequels (liked DS9 for about a minute).  But the movies . . .  Fuck Amok Time, they gave us Horny On Demand Spock and Kirk sexually harassing females across the universe.

Star Wars:  Jar Jar Binks.  Need I say more?

Doctor Who:  I really enjoyed the original series, even though it fell apart in the last years.  The remake made The Doctor a romantic/sexual being.  No no fucking goddamn no.

Supernatural:  After Season 5, took everything everybody loved and broke it, killed off favorite characters for Shock Value, then faked bringing them back just to kill them again.  Really really hated its fans.

Sherlock: Second season became super self-conscious that it was A Hit, started mocking women because being written by a gay man and a misogynist.  Really really hated its fans, then whined when fans stopped watching and the series was canceled.

Sleepy Hollow:  Was just staring to get into the Ship when its creators literally verbally attacked fans on Twitter, then intentionally destroyed Ichabod/Abby by killing off Abby. Really REALLY hated its fans.

American Auto: Started out clever and funny like The Office, in Season 2 devolved into 4th grade potty humor.

Clarice:  Gave it a chance even though there was no Lecter.  First two episodes showed promise, then made Clarice a whiny, weak character, then added an incredibly ahistoric 1991 trans “women” FBI agent -- at a time when in reality gay male agents were fired for fear of their being blackmailed -- who literally yelled at Clarice, and Clarice took it.  Thankfully its ratings plummeted after that and it was canceled.

Grantchester: Watched it for Geordie, then they had Geordie cheat on his wife.  NOPE.

Foyle’s War: The original series ended perfectly.  Then they dragged it from its grave and made a thin, forced series about the Cold War.  Bleh.

Inspector Lewis: The original series ended perfectly.  Then they dragged it from its grave, made Dr. Hobson clingy and whiny, ruined the dynamic of Lewis and Hathaway, ended it terribly.  Bastards.

Endeavor:  Revealed Thursday cheated on his wife during the War, then had Thursday accept bribe money, then the series finale . . .  Don’t ask.

Shetland:  Perez goes against his ethics and tries to fuck his close friend’s wife.  But especially they had Tosh r*ped.  Fuck that shit forever.

Once Upon a Time: First season was wonderful.  Second season iffy.  After that turned the series into a promotional vehicle for Disney movies.  Robert Carlyle gained 30 pounds, lost all energy, and mailed in his performance.  They tried to end it well, but brought it back rebooted and godawful, especially by killing off Belle.  Truly, truly awful.

MCU:  I loved the first Thor, first Captain America, first Avengers, the Ironman trilogy, and especially Spider-man: Homecoming.  Then it all went to fucking hell.  Don’t get me started.

Miraculous Ladybug: From season 3 on, its creators took it from being a fun, exciting, sweet, enjoyable superhero story to trying to turn it into part of the MCU.  Fucking do NOT get me started about what they did to my man Gabriel.

Possible Future Canon Ruin:

Father Brown:  3 cast members have left the series and been replaced.  Haven’t seen Season 10 yet, but I have a bad feeling about this . . .

Addendum:

Rewatched Seasons 7 & 8 of Foyle’s War and actually liked them quite a lot.  Me having a crush on Tim McMullan helped.

Have seen Season 10 of Father Brown . . .

The directing is slow and stiff.  There’s no dynamic worth mentioning among the new characters.  All the episodes felt like dress rehearsals, not polished performances.

[twilightofthe]

Hey y’all!  

Just figured I should say hi to some of y’all since I realize I haven’t been the most talkative on here as of late

Here’s why.

I am fighting Star Wars fandom burnout so hard.  So, so hard.

This media meant more to me than any media ever had for a long, long long time.  It still holds this near and dear spot to me in my heart.  But now it’s just like, losing the magic, losing the love, losing the passion, and I am 1000% blaming it on Disney and its need to fuck the skeleton of every dead horse they drag back out of the grave.

Basically it’s like, there’s too much content?  And yeah some of it is content that I LIKE, like.  I’ve been begging for more Rebels content since it ended over four years ago and now we’re finally getting the return of at least Sabine Hera and Ezra!  We’re getting a Cassian show and I LOVED Cassian in Rogue One and never dreamed I’d get more content of him!  We had an Obi Wan and Anakin show with baby Skytwins. WE HAD AN OBI WAN AND ANAKIN SHOW WITH BABY SKYTWINS.  Like, if you had offered me any of this stuff back in like, 2017, I would have lost my goddamn mind, I would have been ecstatic, the Obi Wan show alone would have made me have a heart attack and die of excitement alone and haunt the shit out of the show as a ghost so I didn’t miss a single millisecond of it.

But now I’m just like.  Recoiling from all of Disney’s new planned release announcements?  Like I’m looking at all of these ideas and I’m just sighing wearily over the Mando S3 trailer and grunting cynically at the Tales of the Jedi like “hmm whose characterization are they going to fuck up this time” and Andor is so close and I’m scraping the bottom of my barrel to try and find the joy to watch it and rolling my eyes at Ezra casting rumors like “ok yeah sure but it’s in the fucking Ahsoka show they won’t do him justice anyway” and I hate it so much, because this is Star Wars, and I love Star Wars so, so much!

Like this is my universe with my favorite disaster blorbos and the creative worlddbuilding and the magic that I fell in love with, and not being able to find excitement in that is breaking my heart???

Like, I don’t know, it just feels like it’s getting too big for me?  Like they’re adding on more and more to the story and I’m struggling to keep up and none of it is even mattering to me anymore because they’re just going to dump more on top of me before I can even breathe.

Quite literally drowning in content.

I love chocolate cake, it’s like Disney heard me say I love chocolate cake and now they just keep force-feeding me more and more and more chocolate cake even when I’m full, even when I need time to digest, even when while I still love chocolate cake, maybe I’d prefer some vanilla ice cream instead, no they just keep shoveling it in and my stomach is going to rupture.

And it doesn’t make sense and I feel like a bad fan or someone who doesn’t care enough, because I’m seeing OTHER people in the fandom who have been around for just as long as me or longer and they’re still going strong!  They’re still having fun!  They’re not letting the circumstances cramp their genuine, shining joy for the characters and stories they love, and I want that.  I’m jealous of them that I can’t do that, and feeling guilty as shit that I’m being like, disloyal or something, or I never really loved it all that much if I could get so tired so easily?

I’m not going anywhere, y’all, I promise.  I’ll be right here and I’ll be excited to watch and reblog for Andor and Tales of the Jedi and Visions volume 2.

But I might be a bit quieter because I’m fighting not to lose something I’ve loved so much for so long.  I need to find that love again.

[ocd-kenobi]

28, 17, 40?

I'm gonna answer these and the two others @solarlotus sent me, too. Thanks!

17. How were you introduced to the fandom?

Depends on what you mean by fandom! The original trilogy (on VHS, pre-George Lucas's barbaric remastering) were some of my very most played movies as far back as I can remember (the age of three.) I played Star Wars-related make believe games with my kindergarten friends. If someone had told little old me that there were stories about Ben Kenobi and Darth Vader being in love, I would have been thrilled. As it went, I know I looked up Prequels Obikin fic when I discovered fan fiction in the mid 2000s, but I didn't love the vibe. I still really wanted to write about them, and ended up trying back in 2019--a friend recommended the Clone Wars show as inspiration, so I very slowly started watching that, and posted my fic, didn't think I needed to spend more time there. Then one day a different friend sent us sky_tales's Comfort as a joke, but it was actually the perfect characterization I had been searching for all my life? I was moved and got dragged further toward the light. Then when I heard there was going to be an Obi-Wan Kenobi show I hoped with my whole self that it was going to be what it was, and then it was! So here I am.

24. Would you want to be a human, or from another species?

I want to be a Nightsister of Dathomir so bad (crying emoji)

28. If you could stop one character from doing one thing, who would it be and why?

I would stop Palpatine from mind-controlling Padme into starting a relationship with Anakin so she could continue living her full, happy, free lesbian life with her handmaidens.

38. Fic recommendations?

I'm pretty sure we read all the same stuff @solarlotus haha, but you can check out my bookmarks for random fics by authors I thought were cute. (Though I tragically don't have every single one of my wife's fics bookmarked yet.) The last fics I was losing my goddamned mind about were @tunglo 's ficlet collection GraceulBlabber's No Emotion Only Peace and @luvewawn 's Even As !!! They're so good I have been saving up energy to leave worthy reviews for them!

40. If you could make your own Star Wars trilogy/series, what would it be about?

Interior, artsy lesbian period piece-style series about Padme and her handmaidens OR a tense gothic psychological thriller series about Dathomir OR a Star Wars sitcom about Luke's Jedi training school and the dad of his green star pupil

But to be honest, I'm very easily and thoroughly entertained by all the recent Disney+ series and I'm excited for the Ahsoka one. I just love watching the soft-spoken Mandalorian guys build community while hot ladies (so! many!! hot ladies!) fuck shit up. I am a simple lesbian.

[alrightsnaps]

some Episode IX positivity

So I watched The Rise of Skywalker and...it wasn't as bad as I expected?? The spoilers I'd read had pretty much prepared me for a disaster but (especially with the traumatizing GoT finale in mind) I have to say that, bar the way they handled Kylo Ren’s storyline and the horrifying moment they made Rey kiss her abuser, they created a pretty epic conclusion to the Star Wars series.

• THOSE LEIA AND REY SCENES

• I swear I could feel my heart swelling with love every second these two interacted

• Rey calling Leia “Master”

• their final hug that was shown in the trailer, with Leia caressing Rey’s hair....that's the daugter our Space Princess General deserved

• THE!! TRIO!! MOMENTS!!

• the love and care and protectiveness and mutual support between these three... I'm emotional okay????

• Finn’s “You are going alone Rey. You're going alone with friends.” reminding her that she's never going to be alone again

• my son Poe Dameron being his usual sassy self deserves a mention of his own because I love him too damn much

• LANDO CALRISSIAN

• everyone's reactions to seeing Lando, the respect in their eyes and voices upon meeting such a legend, DISNEY IS SPECIFICALLY TARGETING MY WEAK NOSTALGIC HEART AND I'M EATING IT ALL UP

• “Give General Leia my love” “You can give it to her yourself”

• Zorii Bliss y'all

• “Not that you care, but i think you're alright.” “I care.” I FOUND MY REY SHIP PEOPLE

• C-3PO’s “Taking one last look, at my friends”

• FLIRTY POE DAMERON I STAN SO HARD

• Bill Weasl–ummm sorry *checks notes* General Hux revealed as the Resistance spy in the First Order and being like “I don't care if you people win. I just want Kylo Ren to lose” because honestly MOOD

• the trio meeting the gang of First Order defectors that joined the Resistance

• Jannah

• sorry but I just have to add Leia sacrificing herself for (what she hopes remains of) her son and Han’s conversation with him (imaginary as it may have been) because I may despise that little piece of shit with all I have, but the whole sequence simply screamed Leia-Organa-and-Han-Solo-too-fucking-noble-and-good-for-this-world

• I just love Leia and Han so goddamn much and they deserved more than anyone a son like the glimpse we got of Ben Solo fighting for the Light (except they got a Neonazi asshole that murdered his father and then was granted an unearned redemption for some reason...... fuck fuck fuck I'm angry crying again they really did my parents dirty)

• Poe crying by Leia’s body, knowing that as her second in command he has to power through his grief, and wondering how he'll ever live up to this incredible woman he respects and looks up to and loves so much– THIS IS THE ONLY SON OF MY PRINCESS I'LL EVER RECOGNISE

• THE EMOTIONAL IMPACT OF LEIA’S DEATH TO CHARACTERS AND AUDIENCE ALIKE

• Chewie’s cry when they heard of her passing just fucking broke me

• JODIE COMER AS REY’S MUM

• That Luke/Rey “It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are” Moment™

• JEDI LEIA JEDI LEIA JEDI LEIA JEDI LEIA JEDI LEIA JEDI LEIA

• the incredibly beautiful and so quintessentially Star Wars “rebellions are built on hope” message

• Lando reminding the Resistance that back in the first war the rebels were also just a bunch of kids that poured their heart and soul in their fight and won against all odds

• seriously seeing the Resistance defeated and wretched and so tragically helpless drawing hope from their predecessors and letting that hope fuel them as they go against the Final Order?? What could possibly be more star wars than that???

• “It’s not a navy. It's....People.”

• Lando fucking Calrissian

• I can talk about the battle scene and all those glimpses of the Resistance members we've grown to love giving their everything even when they know this may as well be a suicide mission, for hours

• FORCE SENSITIVE FINN SENSING REY’S PAIN AND ANGUISH AND WISHING TO RUSH IN TO PROTECT HER

• Rey singlehandedly defeating Palpatine on her own... you have no idea the stress I was under since Kylo Ren turned into Ben Solo or whatever. By the way the plot was playing out at that point in the movie, I was 90% sure they'd have him step in and save the day or something, in some big Redemption™ gesture. And instead we got fucking badass Rey Skywalker bringing down Palpatine with Luke and Leia’s lightsabers?? Just when all hope is lost having her hear the voices of all the Jedi knights within her, encouraging and reassuring her they're by her side?? Yup, this is absolutely 100% what I signed up for!

• The Resistance celebrating their victory with love and laughter and joy in their eyes.... and the nod to the original trilogy finale... good gods, I'm such a slut for nostalgia 😭

• DID I MENTION LANDO CALRISSIAN BECAUSE SERIOUSLY I CAN'T STRESS ENOUGH HOW MUCH I LOVED HIS PRESENCE IN THE FINALE

• lesbians in space! (....for two seconds or so, but I'll take what I can get, don't judge me!)

• THE TRIO'S FINAL HUG BEAMING AT EACH OTHER WITH SUCH HAPPINESS AND LOVE

• Rey burying the Skywalker twins’ lightsabers in the Tatooine desert

• Rey taking up the Skywalker name as she sees Leia and Luke in the distance (Ben?? who again???) cementing the notion that we are not our genes and can choose our own paths and become our own persons

• THAT POETIC LAST SHOT OF REY LOOKING INTO THE TATOOINE SUNSET BRINGING THE STORY FULL CIRCLE

To conclude, the Reylo kiss was pure cringe and Kylo Ren sure as fuck didn't deserve redemption, yes, but overall the movie's callouts to the original series, seamlessly bringing past and present together, and the way the central theme of hope shone through the movie, not to mention the palpable suspense and epicness and heart it radiates makes it a beautifully fitting conclusion to the nine part saga.

[oh-boy-me]

I just read both the australia and museum post and the chaos levels are top tier, but like imagine the chaos that ensues if lord diavolo discovers about amusment parks and immediately just buys tickets to disneyland. Lucifer is basically the dad trying not to loose his children(lord diavolo included). Lord diavolo wanting to ride a loopy rollercoaster and just having the time of his life! (Also I highkey see diavolo ordering lucifer to make a disneyland in devildom tbh) Also mouse ear headbands!

This..... this took forever

Hey there anon!  Sorry it took literally a year to answer this!  If you’re still into Obey Me, I hope this was a pleasant surprise.

Also for the first time ever a scenario post is being put under the cut for length purposes.  This scenario is 2.6k words Jesus

Please note that the last time I went to Disney was in 2015, so anything that’s newer than that is taken from the extensive reading of Disney advice blogs I read in preparation for this post.  Anything older than that is likely from experience.

Also, I tried my best to keep this spoiler free for the attractions that can be affected by it.

--

So the Devildom DOES have the concept of amusement parks.  I slept on this ask for so long that we’ve learned about Devil’s Coast.  It seems to be more akin to a smaller-scale theme park, though.  Small-ish.  I’m used to NYC idk what constitutes as small.

Something like Disney World is on such a larger scale!!  When Diavolo heard about that, he knew they had to go.

They are going to Disney World in Orlando because it’s the only one I’ve been to.

Lucifer is REALLY getting tired of these field trips, but there would be no weird animals, and there would be no sobering lessons on global extinction events at a family-friendly amusement park.  He.  He can handle this.

Solomon has actually been banned from all Walt Disney theme parks.  We’re talking blacklist-level banned.  He’s barred from ever entering any Disney park ever again.  However, this was back in 1976, so this must be, like, his son or something, right?  There’s no way this is the same guy.  Thought the security guard who let him in.

What did Solomon do to get banned?  When asked, he only gave a curious hum.  “Yeah, I wonder.”

The place is split into four parks, so they’ll spend one day in each.

Barbatos continued to flex his power as the only one in the group with a brain cell, being sure to get them all fast passes.  He even set time back just for the passes while they were booking the rides they wanted to cut the lines for, so if they don’t get used he’s going to be very snippy.

Also for convenience sake this is taking place in an AU where everything is the same but COVID doesn’t exist to shut down some rides and attractions.

Day 1: Hollywood Studios

MC and Simeon basically have to coerce Lucifer into letting everyone run free instead of making them all line up with a walking rope all day.  He relents on the condition that everyone checks in periodically so he can at least know they haven’t killed anyone.

Nobody will check in except for maybe Beelzebub and those at Purgatory Hall.

Levi immediately gathered his fellow Star Wars fans (which basically meant calling over Mammon Belphie and Asmo and then pulling in two unsuspecting people suddenly given the title of “Star Wars fan”), and made a beeline for Galaxy’s Edge.  There’s a LOT to do there and damn it if he wasn’t going to hit all of it.

First up for their group is the interactive Millennium Falcon Smuggler’s Run.  They fail the mission.  Levi’s pretty pissed, but everyone agrees that it was fun nonetheless.  They really felt like they were doing a mission in the Falcon!  Plus, the gameplay element was totally up the alley of most of this group.  Simeon does feel a little nauseous from Luke’s jerky steering, though.

Did you know that Diavolo loves Toy Story?  He does.  He’s very much enjoying the Slinky roller coaster with Barbatos.

Barbatos would rather be spending time at the shows and performances, but oh no god forbid we don’t get an autograph from Doc McStuffins.  Lucifer please come find him and save him.

Lucifer somehow wandered into the Frozen Sing-Along Celebration.  He wants out.  Barbatos please come find him and save him.

In general, Lucifer isn’t a fan of these sorts of places, so honestly he’s just hiding from the others and waiting for today to be over.  Barbatos told him that there are parks that don’t revolve around rides and characters, and he’s holding out for those.

Luckily for them Diavolo wants to do LITERALLY everything, and that does include the shows, so Barbatos and Lucifer can have at least some fun today

Levi, Asmo, and Beel are about to start their relay for getting character autographs when Satan shows up out of nowhere and starts dragging everyone over to the Tower of Terror.  Solomon bars all attempts to flee on a certain Avatar of Greed’s side.

The line to the Tower is so long, and honestly?  Satan feels like the ride didn’t live up to the literal hour they waited to get on.  Like yeah it was fun, but way too short.

He voices those thoughts, and Levi, who Satan knows is afraid of heights, is pretty fucking livid and drags him to Rock n Rollercoaster as revenge.  Satan hates roller coasters.

As for the others, Asmo and Luke have a lot of fun on the thrill rides.  Mammon and Simeon do not.  Beel is a little spooked by them but still manages to have fun, while Belphie and Solomon think they’re alright.

Eventually, Simeon gets too sick to move, and they assign him to Luke.  They say it’s because he’s too short to ride some of the rides (even though he’s literally not, screw you guys.)

Barbatos messes with time a lil bit so they can enjoy the Fantasmic Show and Fireworks to wrap the day up.

Levi is very jealous of Diavolo’s Doc McStuffins autograph.  Somehow Asmo has Buzz Lightyear’s number.

Day 2: Animal Kingdom

Satan is vibrating

He literally instantly sprints to the Kilimanjaro Safari.  And good for him; that’s something best done while the sun isn’t high up.  The whole gang actually agrees to check that one out, and while Satan isn’t thrilled to be within 50 feet of Lucifer, he’s glad Simeon is there because he remembers how his presence lured animals out in Australia.

Simeon also finds himself pulled along the trails by Satan and parents watch in horror as a gorilla gives him a friendly pat on the back.

If you didn’t know, Animal Kingdom is divided into the two continents of Asia and Africa, as well as the secret eighth continent Avatar (2009).  Diavolo heard great things about the Flight of Passage ride, but he totally forgot to tell Barbatos about it, so they’re stuck on a three hour wait line now.

Levi takes Luke on the Everest roller coaster because Simeon saw it in the distance and looked like he was about to cry.  Levi wouldn’t shut up about how the yeti effect needs to be fixed and Solomon had to explain that the effect literally couldn’t support itself.

Simeon, having escaped a roller coaster for the first and only time on this trip, grabs lunch with Lucifer and Solomon and they enjoy the Lion King performance together.  Solomon’s the only one of them who’s seen the movie, but the others still found it fun.  Solomon keeps making up random plot points that don’t exist, though.  Remember when Simba was captured by pirates?

Mammon found the Bugs Life show very scary.  Normally Asmo would laugh at him, but he’s afraid of any bug he’s never seen before and at least Mammon was afraid of the things that were supposed to get you.  They agree that bugs are still not their friends.

Satan has many things to say about the Dinosaur ride and most of them aren’t good.  Belphie thought it was pretty ok, though.  Lucifer can’t believe there was a sobering lesson on a global extinction event at this family-friendly amusement park.

Diavolo is still in line.  Barbatos abandons him.  He accompanies Luke to the kiddie fossil thing and actually finds it more tolerable.  Oh yeah that’s the other secret ninth continent, Dinoland.

Beel and Belphie spend most of the day together at the various petting zoos.  Belphie comes back knowing more than he ever wanted to about conservation.  He thought Rafiki’s Planet Watch was going to be about watching other planets, not this one!

Asmo gets very interested in the costumes of the performers, as well as the parrots in the bird show.  He could probably make some really colorful designs with those as inspiration.

Nearby, Mammon runs into Kevin and squawks in surprise.  The zoo staff spend the next two hours trying to find the bird that escaped.

Diavolo says the ride was worth it, don’t worry.

Honestly this park has a lot of stuff that wouldn’t translate well to a funny scenario post so this part might be a little short compared to the others.  I can only talk about a zoo for so long.

Anyone remember the Honey I Shrunk the Kids 4D show?  Apparently it closed in 2016 to make room for more Star Wars stuff.

Anyway, at the center of it all there’s the Tree of Life, which is really pretty all day.  Lucifer is thrilled to have a decently obvious meet-up place, too.  They get to catch the brief awakening show at night.

They’re very bummed to learn the Rivers of Light show isn’t happening anymore, so Levi pulls it up on his phone so they can watch it in spirit.

Then Satan learns about the Wilderness Explorers badges and the others spend the rest of the time preventing too much collateral damage over the fact that nobody told him.

Day 3: Epcot

Finally, Lucifer thinks.  Boo, Luke thinks.

Beel didn’t expect this park to be that interesting to him (he’s much more into the wonder and immersion of Hollywood Studios and Magic Kingdom), but then he learned about the restaurants.  China, Norway, France, Mexico, Germany, Morocco, Italy, Japan, Canada--Canada?  Huh.  Canada.  There’s so many different restaurants from so many cuisines to try, and yeah he knows that it’s definitely not the same as going to the place and it’s overpriced (sorry Lucifer), but it’s all right there.  He makes certain to take MC on a deluxe Epcot restaurant tour.

Oh yeah MC.  That’s the first time we’ve heard from them in a while.  They’re doing whatever you want them to I guess.

Levi buys so much from the Japanese gift shops that he has to go back to the hotel for a bit to drop his bags off.

Satan and Diavolo aren’t much better, but their stashes are more varied.

Also, Diavolo found Mouse Gear, and bought everyone a pair of ears.  Lucifer says that everyone has to keep them on because it’s what Lord Diavolo wants, but he is by far the most upset about them.  Mammon snaps a picture and Lucifer throws his DDD into the lake.

Asmo and Belphie decide they’re gonna take it easy this day, and they nab Solomon and Barbatos for some exhibition hopping.

Luke finds Mission Space and please father no Simeon thought he was safe he thought he was safe here no please

Aside from that, though, Luke honestly finds this part of the park boring.  He’d have been more interested in these attractions elsewhere, but as a kid he’s in Disney for roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.

Simeon is very grateful that Luke doesn’t have much that he wants to do, because it means that he can enjoy the Gran Fiesta and Living with the Land boat rides and have a single moment where he doesn’t feel like he’s about to be sick.  He’s not even afraid of the rides; he just gets motion sick easily.

Asmo makes sure to see the Chinese acrobat show, and Mammon catches that with the show-hopping gang since there isn’t much he wants to do here either.

Epcot has alcohol and Solomon hasn’t been able to drink in ages so he really wants to spend some time doing that with MC.  No demons allowed, thank you very much.  He doesn’t hold his liquor as well as he’d like you to believe, but he just gets really talkative when drunk so it’s ok.

Epcot is a nice day to take a breather and Lucifer and Barbatos definitely needed a breather before tomorrow.

Day 4: Magic Kingdom

This is the day Diavolo has been waiting for.  The crème de la crop, the best park for kids and kids in a future king of the Devildom’s body.

Also I feel like now is a good time to mention that this probably isn’t a reasonable order of events because I don’t remember the map layout of these places idk Disney city planning

This time.  This time, Levi, Asmo and Beel are gonna get those autographs, dammit.  Levi doesn’t even know who half of these characters are but hell if he’s not getting their autograph.

Mammon actually really loves the mascots too, but he’s embarrassed about it so he’ll only try to get one if he can use the guise of MC wanting one.  MC, please help him out

Belphie isn’t big on rides, but he does have a soft spot for the more retro ones like Dumbo and Seven Dwarves.  And like I said before, Beel loves Magic Kingdom for its wonder.  So Belphie is perfectly happy being led (read: piggybacked) around by Beel today, because their favorite attractions match up pretty well here.

Actually, Beel’s favorite Disney movie is Lilo and Stitch, but.  RIP Stitch’s Great Escape ride 2004-2018

Diavolo and Lucifer take a moment to enjoy the Carousel of Progress, and they reflect on how much the Human World is always changing and how much about it they still don’t know.  It really does make them think, like.  Grandma found the VR games at Christmas!  The Devildom doesn’t have grandmas!

Mammon is terrified of the Haunted Mansion ride, and Satan has literally never felt so much schadenfreude in his life.

Mammon’s afraid of most rides to be fair, but he likes water rides, so Levi eventually takes pity on him and they go on Splash Mountain together more than once.

The Peter Pan ride broke down

Luke wanted to go on Space Mountain and Simeon was the only one around, so.  RIP Simeon ????-2021

Diavolo was That Guy.  If you know, you know.

Beel accidentally spun the teacups way too fast.  Not even Solomon got out of that one unscathed.

Following that, Solomon manages to drag Barbatos onto the Jungle Cruise while Lucifer is busy.  What is Lucifer busy with?  Riding the Buzz Lightyear shooting ride over and over until he hits every single target and gets a perfect score at a Disney ride, something that is normal to want and possible to achieve.  Anyway, Barbatos finds it really charming and Solomon finds it a nice break that he didn’t know he needed.

While looking for a food place that sells water for a reasonable price, a kid runs up to Asmo asking for a picture and autograph.  He’s kind of confused, but goes along with it to make the kid happy.

Turns out, Asmo’s so naturally charming that they mistook him for a prince.  Other groups see that family and follow suit.  Mammon eventually catches wind of it and shows up to charge a fee.  The parents are pretty sure Disney doesn’t charge fees like that, but their kids really want a pic with Asmo so they hand over the two bucks.  (“Oh it’s so low” come on Mammon’s not a dick to children.)

And that’s the story of how Mammon and Asmo ended up in Disney Jail.  You’re very much not allowed to pretend to be a cast member and then charge money for it.  Lucifer has to bail them out as their “guardian,” and as punishment they aren’t allowed to opt out of It’s a Small World.

Small World isn’t that bad imho, and those like Diavolo, Satan, Simeon, and Levi would like it a lot.  But Lucifer has been playing parent all day, Belphie does not like the noise, and Solomon has literally been on this ride at least fifty times.  Very mixed feelings on this one, but it feels fitting to end with that and a fireworks show.

All in all though this wasn’t the worst trip Lucifer’s been on (cue everyone applauding for some reason).

Barbatos by far had the least fun of them all because for four days he was stuck in a park where the mascot is a fucking rodent and he wasn’t allowed to annihilate Mickey Mouse where he stood

“Disneyland Devildom when” “Lord Diavolo, no”

Masterlist

[anachronisticcrab]

Solangelo Headcanons

So I’ve got a lot of these cause I’m such a simp for Nico and Will (feel free to ask me about any other Headcanons on either character, cause I’ve got LOTS)

They’re both massive nerds, but neither of them really like the same kind of things

Like, Will is more of a Star Wars and Star Trek fan, he loves Harry Potter more than life itself, and reads medical textbooks and animal books for fun

But Nico is such a linguistics and mythology nerd, we all know he loves Pokémon and DND, and he’s really into classic literature and art

They both spend 90% of their dates geeking out over their interests, and even when they talk about something the other doesn’t understand, they’re super supportive and sweet cause they’re both cute geeks

As much as they aren’t interested in the same things for the most part, they do have a few interests in common (pirates, astronomy, Dreamworks and Disney animated movies, The Princess Bride, Lord of the Rings, music, marvel and DC)

They absolutely have movie marathon dates. It’s their favourite thing. Their favourite movie series’ are Pirates of the Caribbean, Night at the Museum, and The Lord of the Rings/ The Hobbit

Nico loves watching Star Wars with Will because Will mumbled the lines along with the characters and does little lightsaber noises along with it and he’s so cute

Will likes watching movie adaptions of classic lit with Nico because he points out everything that’s different from the books, why the movies are bad, and insists on pausing it to go on rants about everything they got wrong. Will fucking loves it

They both have tattoos. Will’s got the sun over his chest, and a small semi colon on his left wrist next to a treble clef. Nico’s got a semicolon on his right wrist next to a bass clef

Will loves Halloween, and Nico could take it or leave it (he never did anything for it because he grew up in Italy), but Nico does couples costumes because Will looks at him with puppy dog eyes and Nico’s helpless

They’ve gone as Jed and Octavian from Night at the Museum; Buzz Lightyear and Woody; those two crazy pirates from Pirates of the Caribbean (the one with the wooden eye who dressed up in drag, and the short one who got upset over parlay); 1930’s mobsters; Adam and Barbara Maitland from Beetlejuice; Han Solo and Luke Skywalker

They actually talk to Mr. D, and that’s why they’re his favourite— they play poker with him, they talk to him, they treat him like anyone else and he lives them for it

Will loves every single one of Nico’s siblings (Rachel, Hazel, Reyna, Meg, Jason, Connor, Travis, Percy, Tyson, Estelle, Chiara, Piper, etc). They share ridiculous Nico stories and plan pranks on him— they all adore Will

Will’s siblings and friends lowkey love Nico more than Will. He brings them McDonalds, teases Will and makes Will blush, attempts archery to try to bond with them (he really tries, but he’s just really awful), he tells Will’s little siblings bedtime stories. Nico’s just really awkward, and he really tries, and they all love him. Of course, Cecil, Lou Ellen, Austin, and Kayla bug Nico a lot because he’s so awkward, but the truth is they really, really, really like him

Will is horrible at music. Like, truly horrible at anything to do with music. But he has an encyclopedic knowledge of music from over the last 200 years, and randomly quotes lyrics and talks about musical theory all day long

In contrast, Nico is amazing at playing piano and guitar, plus he enjoys playing the drums. He’s really musically talented, but knows nothing about the theory behind it or about the artists. Whenever Nico tries to learn a new song, Will nerds out over the musician/background of the song/cool lyrical devices that make it an amazing song. Nico frickin loves it

Nico loves cooking, while Will can’t cook for his life. Like someone get this boy some help, he almost burnt down his mom’s house while microwaving popcorn. They agreed that Nico would cook and Nico would clean

Nico can’t drive for shit. I mean, cars don’t exist in the city where he grew up (there’s not enough room for vehicles on the few roads in Venice), and even if there were, he’s Italian and gay (sorry about the stereotypes there, but I really can’t see Nico being a good driver). Will drives them everywhere or gets Jules-Albert to drive them, and hides Nico’s drivers license to ‘protect the public from his menace of a boyfriend’

You know how I mentioned the no vehicles in Venice thing? Yeah, no bikes are in the city either. Will taught Nico to ride a bike after the Giants War (before they started dating). Hazel took videos and pictures cause Nico was freaking out over it and yelling at Will not to let him die

Will finds animals on the street and adopts them. Nico begrudgingly helps Will to take care of the animals until they find good homes for them (mostly from people in New Rome)

Unfortunately, Will gets attached to them, and now they have 5 cats, 2 dogs, 3 snakes, 4 lizards, and a blue Jay

They’re both really grumpy in the morning. If you wake either of them up, they will probably bite your hand off

They like going on runs a lot? They’ll go on jogs once a day if possible, and they’ll chat or share earbuds while doing so

They go on dates on canoe lake a lot. They like to have races on the canoes, and to just float out away from everyone else (they totally don’t joke about being pirates or pretend to be pirates while on the lake, that’d be ridiculous and childish)

When Will’s been in the infirmary for too long, Nico walks in and throws a Kit Kat at his head, and then drags him out of the infirmary (sometimes by his ear, sometimes by his hand, depending on how long Will’s been in there for or how annoyed Nico is that day)

Nico’s teaching Will how to speak Venetian (he sucks at it, but Nico appreciates the effort)

Nico takes a long time to get used to PDA, and even after they’ve been dating for years, Nico’s really only comfortable with holding hands and hugs (plus cheek kisses or quick pecks) in public. Will’s fine with it, and he didn’t stop smiling for three days after Nico first pecked him on the cheek in public

International dates! Paris, Venice, Milan, Madrid, Banff, Athens, Cairo, Tokyo, Sydney, Ho Chi Minh, everywhere! They love travelling!

They have a lot of conversations where they tell the other how amazing they are (since they’re both pretty self-deprecating, and they think the world of the other, it ends up with them just going ‘shut up you’re beautiful, why do you put up with me’ for hours on end)

Dates on roofs! Nico and Will point out constellations at night and cloud watch during the day. They have picnics on the roof of the Big House, and the Hades and Apollo cabins all the time

They buy each other Funko Pop figures for birthdays, Christmas, and basically anytime they want to get each other a gift

[protectwoc]

why all reylos are racist

y’all can go ahead and cancel me now because some of you are not going to like what i have to say and i am completely okay with that.

this recent gq interview with john boyega has incensed me. hearing all the things he went through, from disney and from “fans” and with no support from anyone… i’m livid. sometimes when i think about it for too long i start shaking, i’m so furious. and the response from the reylo fandom has infuriated me to a degree i honestly didn’t know was possible.

some of you may have seen my recent tumblr rampage. it’s reylo bullying hours here on my blog, and i’m not sorry either. one person threatened to post screenshots of my comments, which like… okay? i know what the fuck i said, it wasn’t that long ago. in fact i was going to include the screenshots in this post right here, but they blocked me before i had the chance. sorry. i’m sure somebody has them. anyway…

over the past two days in the star wars fandom we have seen something unprecedented: an outpouring of support for john boyega. both reylos and anti-reylos have joined forces to voice support for john in the wake of the gq interview (and the blm protests, let’s be real, some of y’all would not have given half a fuck if it wasn’t suddenly cool to be antiracist). and this showing of unity is one of the most rage-inducing things i’ve ever seen in a fandom (which is saying something; i have seen some shit).

reylo fandom, full offense intended, but where the fuck do you get off? you’re supporting john now? where was this support when tfa came out and you couldn’t stand the thought of him next to your white-girl-self-insert? where was it when tlj came out and your boy ryan completely sidelined him? where was it earlier this fucking year when y’all twisted a harmless joke (like yall haven’t spent years writing reylo-throne-room-sex-meta BULLSHIT) and ignored the vile racist shit coming from your own fav’s mouth? but you’re supporting him now? now that being antiracist is trendy? fuck outta here with that bullshit.

your fandom is the reason for the vast majority of the absolutely subhuman treatment john has endured over the last few years. your fandom influenced ryan (yes i know what his name is) to write tlj the way he did, you have behaved indefensibly here on tumblr.hell writing and drawing and fantasizing about all sorts of racist bullshit, and y’all have STAYED in his twitter mentions spewing hatred seven ways to sunday. but NOW, without a shred of self-reflection, you’re supporting him? now his experiences are valid?

the way that your fandom refuses to take accountability for its actions makes me see red. y’all stay on some “not all reylos” nonsense and i am SICK OF IT. i’m only gonna say this once, and i want you to hear me: you cannot be a reylo and be “antiracist”. you cannot participate in a fandom that has behaved the way yours has and say “blm, uwu acab.” you can’t. like do you think black people are dumb? that we can’t see right through you? we can.

“but rae,” i hear you whining. “you’re gonna say just because i like two characters together i’m a racist?” and of course not. that would be ludicrous. i think just because you knowingly engage and participate in a fandom that has racism encoded in its dna, you’re a racist. i think because y’all are in bed with racist harassers, racist trolls, and racist content creators, you’re a racist. that’s what the fuck i think. y’all lost the right to “it’s just a ship” me the instant you dragged john boyega into this.

here’s an example: i watched tfa about three days after it came out. i watched the first half, saw the obvious relationship set up between finn and rey, and thought, “aw, cute.” then i watched kylo and rey fight, watch him offer to teach her, and thought, “... interesting.”

when i got home i checked tumblr for finnrey content, saw the outpouring of love from black fans, all the cute fanart and fics blooming, and smiled. then, slowly, guiltily, i searched “reylo.”

BOOM. racism. the things i saw in the tag that night are tattooed on my brain. reylos rejoicing about the obvious rey/kyle pairing because “sw would never put her with that monkey finn”. calling him an “oaf”, “useless”, “bumbling”, “stupid”. reylos joking about how “when they talked about the Dark side, [they] didn’t think they meant that kind of dark.” “woke” reylos pretending to ship stormpilot in an obvious ploy to get finn away from kylo. and in between all of that, cute ship art. fun fics. talented gif makers. and nobody saying shit about the reprehensible behavior going on in their tag.

reylo is built on a foundation of racism. from that first week, racism has been woven into the fabric of your fandom, and it’s been going unchecked. and i don’t mean calling out other reylos. that’s not enough. i mean taking actual steps. y’all have been sitting in a cesspool of racism for five years, and its time for you to get the fuck out or shut the fuck up about being an “ally”. y’all need to leave this fandom.

don’t agree? here’s another story. in 2017, when i still watched supergirl (before i grew taste) i shipped karamel. for those of you who don’t know, karamel is the ship of kara zor-el (supergirl) and mon-el, her second love interest. when supergirl was moved to the cw for its second season, the decision was made to abruptly end her romance with jimmy olsen, played by mecahd brooks (a black man) and replace him with mon-el, played by chris wood, a white man, who was revealed to be, among other things, an alien slaveowner, as well as a playboy and all-around terrible person. and i shipped them. look, i’m not defending myself, but i never really bought the chemistry between jimmy and kara. even though mon-el’s introduction and the way that they carelessly disregarded kara’s feelings for jimmy made me uncomfortable, i thought the way melissa played her attraction to chris wood was more believable (and again, i’m not defending myself, but they are now married so it’s not like i was wrong). so i shipped them. simple as that, right?

well, no. not really. because the inherent racism in the way the writers wrote out her admittedly sweet romance with a black man in favor of a white slaveowner jerk kept bothering me. and finally i decided that it made me too uncomfortable to participate in. i never really reblogged any karamel fandom stuff, but i completely divorced myself from the fandom. i stopped reading karamel fic, and i switched to reblogging exclusively jimmy/kara content until the fandom died out/i stopped watching. i made a choice that real life racism is more important to me than a fucking fandom or a ship, and then i acted accordingly. simple as that.

and i’m not saying you have to stop liking the reylo dynamic. i still like the chemistry between kara and mon-el. i’ve shipped problematic ships before (bamon comes to mind) and i don’t think there’s anything wrong with that (to a point). but there’s a difference between liking a ship dynamic and engaging and contributing to a fan culture of racism. you have to stop participating in the fandom. y’all are in bed with people indistinguishable from confederate-flag-waving-all-lives-matter-touting racists and you don’t feel the need to get out of that environment? there comes a certain point where you have to decide if fandom bullshit is more important to you than fighting racism, and unfortunately, reylos have chosen wrong. that, ladies and gentlemen, is why all reylos are racist, regardless of what they say. roll credits.

except i have more to say, so i’m gonna say it. first of all, i’m not trying to hold myself up as some kind of paragon of virtue. i’m not holier-than-thou because all my ships are “woke” or whatever. chemistry is subjective, and we’re all going to be attracted to different ship dynamics, and there’s nothing wrong with that in theory. what matters is the execution. i finally had to say one day, “you know, this ship and the racist baggage it carries is actually less important to me than battling systemic racism on every level, including the fandom level”. y’all thought being antiracist was gonna be easy? that you wouldn’t have to make some actual changes, to make some actual sacrifices? sorry not sorry to disappoint. and if i, a normal-ass person with flaws and problematic thinking that i’m still dealing with and the whole ine yards, can make that decision, then other people should be required to as well.

(what really irks me is that the karamel fandom wasn’t even really that bad! i definitely could have gotten away with being a karamel stan in 2017. thankfully the supercat and supercorp shippers were doing the lord’s work and bullying them into submission (don’t think i’m letting y’all off the hook either, y’all have got some racism to deal with as well but that’s an essay for another day) but like most of the racism happened at the writing level; the fandom itself wasn’t engaging in racist clownery on the regular. but like the reylos are. y’all see racist bullshit coming from your neighbor, fav fic writer, artist, gif maker, whatever, and don’t say shit? don’t feel the need to distance yourself from them? gtfoh.)

i made this argument earlier when i was on my rampage (which i’m still on btw so don’t clown in my inbox, you will get your shit rocked) but i’m going to make it again because i feel like its important to note. when i pointed out that existing in the reylo fandom while you are aware of its racism makes you complicit in that racism, a white reylo told me earlier that (paraphrasing, my memory’s not as good as it used to be and i did mention that they’d blocked me) “you don’t solve a problem like systemic racism by ignoring it. leaving the fandom would be allowing it to happen.” when i pointed out that that’s police officer rhetoric almost verbatim, she (a white reylo) admonished me (a black woman) not to compare police brutality to a “ship war.” lmao.

look, clearly y’all need a refresher on what “systemic” means. it means, quite simply, that there are systems, large and small, allow for racism to exist, and it also means that allowing for racism to exist on the small scale means expecting it on a large one. like you think police officers spring fully formed from the head with racist ideals already ingrained? no! they learn it and learn to justify it with “well just because my friend made a racist joke doesn’t make me a racist” and “just because i laughed at my friend’s using a racist term in my video game doesn’t make me a racist” and “just because my friend is a racist doesn’t mean i’m a racist” and then we have people watching their coworkers kneel on a man’s back for 8 minutes with no remorse. i’m not gonna solve police brutality by fighting reylos on tumblr, but fandom racism is real racism with consequences on our world, and i don’t tolerate ANY type of racism. and the fact that you are so willing to not just tolerate it but justify it should say something to you.

and not all reylos are like this. similar to cops, good reylos don’t last. i have seen people grow so disgusted by the racism in the reylo fandom that they publicly turned their backs on it, and those reylos i respect. you’ve heard of “the only good cop is an ex-cop” well get ready for “the only good reylo is an ex-reylo”.

(and also like far be it from me to justify a cop but one could at least say they have their livelihoods to think about (not like they couldn’t just pick a nonmurderous profession but i digress) but you reylos can’t even choose between taking a stance against the hateful and unjustified bullying of a man who had the audacity to… get a job (?)... over a ship? come on now.)

the point of all this is, for all their posturing about “being antiracist” and “fuck 12” and “support john boyega”, reylos have decided that a relationship between two fictional people is more important than all the black and brown people who are hurt by that decision and the consequences of that decision. and before y’all pull some “b-but there are POC reylos!” (stop fucking using poc as an adjective, its a noun, it stands for person of color, please use it as such) internalized racism is a thing. busting out your token “reylo of color” (see how easy that was?) is not going to change my mind. all reylos are complicit in the racism of their peers, and being complicit makes you culpable. full stop.

and that is why the public support of john boyega from the reylo fandom has me seeing red. renounce your fandom or keep that man’s name out of your mouth. anyway, this was long and ranty and entirely stream-of-consciousness and i’m refusing to edit it so it’s probably completely incomprehensible to anyone besides me but if you made it this far thanks for reading ig. all reylos are racist, blm, fuck 12, acab, stan john boyega, don’t clown in my inbox unless you’re coming to bully me for being a karamel shipper, which i deserve (or do, i couldn’t give less of a fuck). good night.

[punkrock-writer]

Space Cowboy- Part 1

Having a Very Bad Time at Disney World

Pairing- Din Djarin x F!OC

Warnings- Swearing. A lot of bad words. Mild Violence. 

A/N- The response to this fic is overwhelming I woke up and wanted to cry, thank you to everyone who liked and reblogged and followed me. And thank you to everyone who went to AO3 and left kudos and comments ily. This introduces my OC Sedona. She's a little rough around the edges but I hope you like her. Feel free to message me or comment if you like it or hate it, I like talking to people. Thank you again. 

Prologue AO3 Wattpad 

The musty, thick, Florida humidity did little to stop her body from practically vibrating as she gazed up at the sight before her. The grand entrance to Star Wars: Galaxy's Edge stood proudly, casting an arch shaped shadow that she stepped into to get a better look. Faux sandstone and waving flags beckoned her into the park, and she gladly followed with a face splitting smile. She had been saving for this trip for what felt like a life time; overtime had finally payed off, and she couldn't wait to spend an entire week in "the happiest place on earth"...

Or so she thought.

Sedona smiled as the butterflies fluttered in her stomach, gazing up at the Millennium Falcon was like a dream. The ship was massive, and fit snugly within the surrounding attraction. She wouldn't consider her self a 'super fan'- she doesn't know the names of the planets in a galaxy far far away, and she definitely couldn't name all of the different space races- but the beauty of the universe awakened the child that was buried deep in her soul. Nostalgia and adult money were a deadly combination.

It didn't help that the casting department knew how to cast the perfect eye candy to keep a grown woman entertained.

She dragged herself away from the massive ship. Though she told her self she wasn't obsessed, she still unconsciously decided to carve an entire day out of a week long trip just to roam around Batuu. She took as deep a breath as she could of the hot air, just beginning to get used to the uncomfortable way her hair curled and clung to the sweat on her neck. The air smelled like an amusement park, little kids vomit, sweat, and caramel corn. She walked leisurely, her sandals dragging on the pavement as she passed stalls and a makeshift cantina, making her way under another gigantic arch. Voices and music filled her ears, she let her guard down, allowing herself to completely absorb the atmosphere.

If she hadn't been gazing up at the architecture of the buildings surrounding her, she would've been able to react quicker.

An insanely bright blue light flashed in her face followed by a high pitched whine, similar to your grandpas weird old camera.

Startled she took quick steps back, her vision foggy as she struggled to clear the blotches that stayed behind when the light went away. But when she can see the sight before her fills her with confusion and anger.

"What the hell is this Men in Black Comic-Con, who are you?" Holding her tongue had never been her strong-suit.

There was a tall, old, white man in a black suit and sunglasses. Typing something into an iPad, not paying any mind to the girl he just attempted to blind. She made the move to step toward him when his head moved away from her, looking upwards and to the left.

"So this is the one" he wasn't even looking at anyone, and then she noticed the tiny bluetooth device in his ear. Her brow furrowed deeper, her mouth set in a frown. Her hand lifted and mouth opened simultaneously but before she could yell at him further, an object was thrust in her outstretched hand.

That's when her head split open.

Her empty hand instantly flew to her forehead, eyes squinting shut as she tried to control her breathing. It literally felt like her skull was cracking down the middle, lights danced underneath her eyelids, she curled into herself in the middle of the Disney World street.

"Mother fuck" she spat out the words, cracking one eye open to look for the man, but he had disappeared. Leaving her with a migraine and gadget that looked like the worst dildo in the world.

The growl that ripped through her throat was inhuman. One hand still covered her left eye as she charged in the direction she thought the man could've gone. Most likely looking like the angriest bitch in the entire park. Her fist clenched around the metal piece that was in her right hand, swinging it as her flip flops smacked against the cement. She didn't know where the hell he went but she was going to find the prick an-

"Miss are you okay?" A timid female voice flitted from her left side. She spun quickly, another wave of pain crashed over her, she couldn't fathom how she looked right now to the poor mother and her young child. A fist covering her left eye as her face contorted into a snarl, her other hand clutching some kind of metal object. Her chest heaving and leaning awkwardly into her left side.

"I'm fine" she grumbled, before marching further on her war path. She missed the way the mother quickly bundled the child into her arms, rushing into the opposite direction as quick as she could.

━━━━━━━━▲━━━━━━━━

Sedona attempted her murderous trek for as long as she could. Searching the park for the mysterious business man who had fucked with her relaxing vacation. But sooner than she would've liked the pain overwhelmed her. Begrudgingly she boarded a Disney bus and made her way back to her hotel room. The device had been tossed into her purse, not wanting to get rid of it, so she could beat the man with it when she found him.

Yet another shuddering wave of pain ripped through her as she flung open the door to her room. Quickly shutting and locking it behind her, the first thing she did was pull her hair from its ponytail. Her hair, damp and curly from sweat hung to her shoulders, she ran both hand through it, taking a deep breath of the air conditioning. The next to go was her purse, which she unceremoniously flung onto the bed as she stomped forward. Her flip flops were kicked off at the end of her bed. Peeling the sage green sundress off her sweaty body, she rifled through her suitcase.

Nothing good ever happens when I wear a fucking dress.

Satisfied with her choice of pajamas she shuffled into the bathroom. Pausing for a moment to glare into the mirror. Taking in the mess of a girl who couldn't even keep her eyes all the way open. She pivoted to the shower, praying the cold water would do some kind of good for the aggressive pounding behind her eyes.

She stayed in the shower till she was shivering. The headache only diminishing slightly, and the gaudy scent of the hotel toiletries didn't really help. Grappling two thin towels from the rack above the toilet she rolled her hair into one atop her head, the other she quickly dried herself off. She didn't really want to spend much longer in the dampness, wanting a nap much more.

Her pajama choice was simple, a men's 3XL Big and Tall black T-shirt, and a pair of Mandalorian printed MeUndies. No, no, she definitely wasn't a super fan. She exited the bathroom, bee-lining for her massive suitcase that was perched on the bed. Plopping down she hauled it into her lap, searching through the many pockets for the one containing her emergency first aid kit, and she sighed in relief when she finally found the bottle of Advil. As she unscrewed the top she glanced at her purse, a strange blue light emitted from within it.

She reached over her suitcase, grabbing her purse and setting it into the bag on her lap. She couldn't help the eye roll as she pulled the device from the depths. It was a simple looking thing. A long pill shape, with an indented seam running the entire edge, and one small thumb-print size button in the middle. The button pulsated it's annoying blue light slowly, beckoning someone to press it.

"I don't have the energy for this shit" she grumbled. Maybe it was the headache making her loopy, but she placed her thumb over the indentation, without much of a hesitation.

And of course it started to vibrate.

She would've laughed if the vibration wasn't followed by the entire outer seam of the device growing brighter with the same blue light.

"Travel begins in 5 seconds. Please gather all items needed for travel"

Sedona's eyes grew wide as her brow furrowed in confusion. The mechanical voice didn't give her much time to think.

This can't be real.

4

Panic rose in her throat, her eyes searched the device, flipping it in her hands as it began to grow brighter and brighter.

3

On instinct she gathered both of her bags closer to her chest. The massive suitcase not really yielding much.

2

Her breathing grew quicker, matching the aggressive buzzing of the device in her hand.

1

"Fucki-"

And suddenly she is falling. Rapid descent lifts the towel from her head, and she can feel wind rushing past her face. She squeezed her eyes shut, but she could still tell that she was falling through and insanely bright blue tunnel. Faster and faster until.

BANG

Her knees are folded underneath her, taking the entire collective weight of her body and both of her bags that fall on top of her. She swears she hears a pop, and can feel a burning pain rip up her knees to the top her thighs.

She deeply inhales, slamming her hands onto whatever metal floor is in front of her.

"MOTHER FUCKER"

[duhragonball]

Chi-Chi

I think I’m gonna wrap these up today so I can get back to work on my fanfic.    For the record, I got Buu, Frieza, Jolyne Kujo, Father Pucci, and Jobin Higashikata left to go, and then I’m done.  

But I hate to call it here, because this has been fun.   Maybe I’ll bring this back some time.  

Give me a character and I will answer:

Why I like them: I started watching DBZ back in the fall of 1998, and I didn’t get very serious about it until 2000.   Chi-Chi didn’t have a very big role in the Saiyans or Frieza arcs, and I wasn’t making a point of watching every episode, so it took a while for her character to be fully revealed.   Starting out, she was basically popping in every so often to remind us that she wanted Gohan to study.   She stood up to Garlic’s henchmen in Movie 1, but didn’t really get a chance to do anything.    In the Garlic Junior Saga, it’s stated that Chi-Chi is the strongest woman in the world, which sounds pretty impressive as long as you don’t think too hard about how many women are on the show.  

I don’t think I really understood Chi-Chi well until I got to the part where Goten spars with Gohan, and he reveals that Chi-Chi had been training him while Gohan was studying.   That was where it became clear to me that she only emphasized book-learnin’ over ass-whoopin’ because she knew Goku had that side of things covered.    With Goten, Chi-Chi had to be both mother and father to him, and she didn’t shirk from that.   

I guess what I’m trying to say is that Chi-Chi’s a great supporting character.   She maintains a presence in the story whether she’s on-screen or not, and you learn about her gradually through these short appearances.    And when she does show up, it’s just a treat to see.   She’s always got something to say, and she’s cute and she can beat your ass.    What’s not to like?  

Why I don’t:  Yeah right.   Look, the biggest gripe people have with Chi-Chi is that she makes her son do homework, which is dumb.    She explains this a number of times: There’s more to life than fighting, and she wants that for her son.   And Gohan’s not exactly worse off for her style of parenting.  

I think the disconnect here is that people watch this show and they want to see Goku and Gohan screw around and go on adventures, and they feel like Chi-Chi is here to kill their buzz.   I guess it’d be like watching a football game, and every so often some guy wanders out onto the field and scolds everyone for playing football.    But that guy would be right, because football is dangerous, yo.   Everybody keeps telling Chi-Chi that the only hope for the world involves her little boy getting his ass kicked by aliens, and she’s like “no, that’s bullshit,” and she’s absolutely right.   She’s a saint for tolerating it as much as she does, but I think a lot of fans refuse to look at it from her point of view.    They just want the fighting.  

I remember Lanipator observing that he used to hate Mr. Satan when he was younger, but the older he got, the more and more he appreciated the character.    I can’t relate to that, because I was old enough to drink when I started watching this show, so for me, there is no “when I was a kid” perspective on Dragon Ball.    I thought Mr. Satan was awesome from the start, and I never had much of a problem with Chi-Chi either.  

They did tend to overexpose both characters in the anime, cutting to them when they needed a filler moment to pad out an episode or five.   So maybe that’s got something to do with it.   But that’s not the fault of the characters.    But yeah, if I was watching the Cell Games at age 10 I’d probably get really sick of them constantly cutting to Mr. Satan or Chi-Chi for analysis.    

Favorite episode (scene if movie):  It’s probably hard to top the one where she fought Goku.   That was one of the last Chi-Chi moments I got to see, because I didn’t get caught up on OG Dragon Ball until 2004.   It’s an excellent use of the character and her lengthy absence from the show.   By the time she reappears, no one recognizes her, and she’s upset about being forgotten.  

Favorite season/movie:  I think I’d have to go with the Buu Saga, on the grounds that she got more time to shine, mainly due to so many other characters being unavailable.    It was a real roller coaster ride for her too.    Her husband’s dead and she’s raising two kids on her own, then he comes back, then he leaves again, and maybe Gohan’s dead too, and now Goten has to fight, and then she’s dead, and then they’re all back together in the end.     Wild.

Favorite line:  In the Cell Games Saga, there’s a TV show where Mr. Satan drags three buses onto the set, cuts a scathing promo on Cell, and then punches one of the buses to put an exclamation point on the whole thing.   Wait, I take it back, I’m pretty sure 10yo me would have loved Mr. Satan.  

Anyway the live audience is marking the fuck out for Mr. Satan, but at Kame House Yamcha and Krillin are unimpressed, because they punch holes in like fifty buses every morning as a warm-up.   But in the dub of that episode, Roshi remarks that Mr. Satan’s theatrics are “sad”, and Chi-Chi goes “It sure is.   Somebody could have used that bus.” Classic, total classic.

Favorite outfit: It’s hard to pick, honestly.   I like the Buu Saga yellow, but I prefer the way her hair looked in the Saiyans Saga.  And that outfit she wore near the end of DBZ was pretty great too.

OTP:  Goku. come on.

Brotp: I think Bulma sort of stepped into that role after Trunks was born, but Chi-Chi seems like a loner to me.   She basically rolled in, got Goku to marry her, and then retreated deep into the mountains to interact with as few people as possible.   I need me a freak like that.  

Head Canon: I think she’s genuinely proud of Goku and the boys being so great at super-karate-laser wars.   She doesn’t talk about it much, because there’s plenty of other people to congratulate them on that sort of thing, and I think they sort of look to her for as someone who grounds their family.  

To put it another way, I don’t think Goku wants Chi-Chi to talk a lot about the androids or the Saiyans or whatever.   I think he wants someone to bother him with household matters and chores and ordinary stuff.   And Gohan and Goten just want a regular mom to balance out their alien monomyth dad.    And she plays that role well, because that’s who she is.   But she’s still proud of them for saving the world and so forth. 

Unpopular opinion: Chi-Chi was right. 

Look, how was Gohan going to make a life for himself as a fighter, in a world where Goku and Vegeta have that market cornered?   

Where’s he live?  In a big-ass mansion.    Why?  Because he married a rich man’s daughter.   Where’d he meet her?   In the school Chi-Chi made him go to.  How’d he get in to said school?   He aced their entrance exams.    How’d he do that?   Chi-Chi made him study.

What does Goku do all day when he isn’t training?  He drives a tractor?  Why?  Because his wife has a thing for farmer aesthetics.   Why does he just do whatever his wife tells him?   Because he didn’t study.

A wish:  I wish all the Chi-Chi haters would stay out of my soup, because it’s salty enough as it is.   (Heyoooo!)

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: I’ve been seeing Manalorian spoilers lately, and I don’t want to give anything away, but it seems like every time something happens on Mando, all the chuds come out of the woodwork to complain about Episode VIII and/or IX.     They’re like “thank you, Disney, for giving us the [Star Wars thing] that Disney refused to give us.” 

My fear is that Star Wars has become balkanized into this thing where people praise half of it as fixing or undoing the damage caused by the other half.   Used to be, people would either like the Ewoks or hate them, but they couldn’t ignore the fact that they were there.   Now it’s like any movie that doesn’t feature Ewoks is done to cater to the anti-Ewok crowd, and any movie that does is solely for the purpose of keeping the pro-Ewok side engaged.   

My point is that I worry that this will happen to all media franchises, and Dragon Ball Q will feature a Chi-Chi that gets turned into a hateful she-hag to satisfy the haters, and then Ultra Dragon Ball Deluxe will feature a more nuanced version of Chi-Chi as a make-good, thereby pissing off the haters.   And they’ll go back and forth trying to please everyone while the character ends up becoming an incomprehensible mess from it.  

5 words to best describe them: Adorable tiger mom/bus advocate.

My nickname for them: Cheech. 

[jalapeno-princess]

Disneyland with Mark

Disneyland is my favorite place

And Mark is my favorite person

I’d sell one of my kidneys just to go with him to Disneyland once

aNYWAYS

Mark knew how much you loved anything Disney

That’s why he would buy you anything and everything Disney related

He even built you a shelf specifically for the Disney trinkets he bought you

Because of both your hectic schedules, you hardly have been spending time with each other

It was finally spring break and you had a week off of school so you planned to sleep in for the entirety of your vacation

However

Mark had other plans

To your surprise, your boyfriend took time off of work in order to spend the entire week with you

One day, to your dismay, he woke you up at 7 o’clock in the morning and told you to be ready by 8

I love Mark

But if he were to wake me up before 10

He’s catching these hands

Even if you begged him to tell you where he was taking you

Boy kept his mouth shut

He tried to hint to you that he was taking you to Disneyland during the car ride

He played “I’ll make a man out of you” eight times

“Let it go” three times

And “It’s a small world” five times

You didn’t catch the hint

Once he pulled up to the parking lot, you were screaming

Your excited reaction caused butterflies to erupt in your boyfriend’s tummy

“We’re going to Disneyland?!”

He knew he should’ve blindfolded you

You would not stop bouncing all over the place

He had to kiss you to get you to calm down

“Baby, as much as I love seeing you so excited, you’re the loudest person here and we’re surrounded by five year olds.”

Once you entered the park, he told you he had everything planned out

The two of you got matching Mickey Mouse ears with each other’s names on it

CHEESY I KNOW

but he loved being that cheesy couple

He wanted people to know how ridiculously in love he was with you

Takes pictures with you EVERYWHERE

In every single land

In front of the castle

On rides

Even in front of a fucking churro stand

“Mark, we don’t have to take pictures everywhere-“

“Babe, I need to document every single moment we hardly get to do something like this let me have my fun.”

Will buy a bunch of churros

For himself

Like literally

He would buy 15 churros and NONE of them were for you

If you wanted one, he would buy it separately

Would buy you whatever you wanted

Sometimes, he would even buy you things he’d think you’d like

Even if you’ve never talked about it

That’s how you found yourself with a Chewbacca backpack

You haven’t even seen one Star Wars movie and Mark was fully aware of that

But It reminded him of your dog so he thought you would like it

He’s the biggest fan of rollercoasters

Will drag you to every single one

No matter how sick you got from riding one after the other

Took you to meet with the characters

He gets very competitive when it comes to these things

“Mark, you did not just cut in front of that little boy-“

“IT’S MY TURN TO MEET WINNIE THE POOH!”

The two of you would ride pirates of the Caribbean and small world just to make out

The sexual innuendos from your boyfriend would be endles

“Splash mountain ain’t the only ride you’re gonna get wet on today babe.”

“Hey, Cinderella. Call me midnight 'cause when I come around I'll make your dress disappear.”

Begged you to get your caricature done

Wouldn’t stop staring at you while the artist was drawing the two of you

The photo almost didn’t come out because you kept laughing at him

Once it was finished though your cheeks warmed up at how cute it was

He would beam at how cute all the kids were

He’d even let it slip that he couldn’t wait for the day the two of you would bring your kids to Disneyland and the thought of starting a family with Mark made your heart flutter

Would complain about riding the “story” rides even if you knew he secretly loved them

He would tear every single time y’all rode peter pan’s magic flight

“Babe..are you crying?”

“No, I just got sugar from the churro in my eye LEAVE ME ALONE.”

Would get fast passes for almost every ride because apparently “Mark Tuan does not wait in line to ride”

He is always the driver when it comes to autopia

No matter how much you want a turn

He refuses to let you after what happened last time

“Babe, it wasn’t that bad-“

“I FELL OFF THE RIDE Y/N.”

If it got cold, he would give you his jacket and if he didn’t bring one, he’d buy you one

MATCHING JACKETS

Boy loves his pins

Literally

He spent $300 on pins alone

Judges you when you order corn on the cob instead of a turkey leg

Will sprint between Disneyland and California adventure just so you can watch both the fireworks and world of color

Always needs to be holding you to make sure you don’t get lost in the crowd

Finds a place near the castle to sit down on the ground and pulls you on top of his lap in order to watch the fireworks

Whispers countless confessions of love and sweet nothings in your ear while leaving soft kisses along your jaw as the fireworks go off

“Thank you for taking me here today baby. It was the best day ever.”

“Anything for you princess.”

Going with Mark to Disneyland 10/10 recommended @ God PLS

[diazevan]

xxvi. abandoned

Personally, the worst part of Tony’s recovery following the snap was how long he was stuck in the hospital. Three months. The first two weeks of that, he’d been in a coma. All that time, stuck somewhere he didn’t want to be, meant that he missed everything.  Well, he missed all the firsts.  He didn’t witness Peter and Morgan meet, which according to Rhodey, played out like a scene straight out of a Disney movie. He wasn’t there when Happy and May dropped Peter off for his first day back at school. He didn’t get to wave Morgan off for her first day at kindergarten.  He missed out, and he hated it. However, he couldn’t complain because he got Peter back, and he wouldn’t trade that win, in a heartbeat.  During his time in the hospital, especially when he had to undergo his surgeries, Peter and May took charge of Morgan, she spent days, sometimes a whole week, with them at their apartment. She often refused to be separated from her brother, in a short space of time, the pair became inseparable. That was Tony’s dream, and it came true, even if he hadn’t been there to see it.

Returning home was surreal. For the first couple of days, it was just Tony and Pepper. Then, Morgan came back, from her long stay with the Parkers. Peter didn’t visit, or stopover. He couldn’t. Not until Tony was finished preparing his bedroom. Tony got to work straight away, because holding Peter back, with excuses and lies, was one of the hardest things he had to do. Especially after spending five years without him.

Peter already had a room. So, that was sorted. Tony secretly purchased the Lakehouse a week before Thanos happened. He’d planned it all, but it was ruined. Even in the wake of losing Peter, that room was his. For the years he was gone, it remained empty apart from a few boxes of his stuff, and rolls of Star Wars wallpaper that were never used.

Tony had missed plenty of firsts during his recovery but not this time, he got to welcome Peter and May, with open arms, into their second home.

Tony skipped down the stairs, a spring in his step. Pepper was hovering by the front door, she turned, wearing a smile from ear-to-ear, “They’re here.” She sang excitably, as Tony walked over.  “Finally.” Tony sighed as he watched May clamber out of the driver’s seat. Pepper looked around, “Where’s Morgan?” A mischievous grin crawled onto his face, “Um, she’s waiting upstairs to surprise him.” She narrowed her eyes, “Oh, she’s waiting?”  “Yeah, I give her a minute.” Tony joked. Morgan wasn’t known for being patient, and she never stayed in one place too long.  Pepper scoffed, “I give her forty seconds.” Tony skipped forward opening the front door as May jumped up the porch steps, “Hey!” He welcomed as he held out an arm. “Hello, hello.” May chanted, “Sorry we’re late.” She pulled Tony into a side hug, and pressed a quick kiss against his cheek, “This place is gorgeous.” “Thank you, Mrs. Parker,” Tony said as she moved through to hug Pepper. Tony’s eyes caught Peter. The kid was slowly treading up the steps, his posture was deflated and his expression was unreadable. Tony knew he had been struggling with insomnia, which was understandable, considering the circumstances. “Kid!” Tony exclaimed, he was determined to turn Peter’s mood around by the end of the night. He didn’t want this first to be dampened by what Thanos had done to them, not again. Peter looked up at him, “Hey, Mr. Stark.” Tony clumsily threw himself around his kid, in a tight hug, “Oh.”  Tony would never tire of hugging him, or, simply seeing him. Sometimes he needed reminding, that they did it. Peter was real, and so was everyone else who blipped. They were home. “How was the journey?” Tony asked, as he pulled back, and tapped Peter’s shoulder. Peter shrugged, “It was okay.”  “You not a fan of the woodland, kiddo?” Tony teased, as he jokingly prodded his arm, “Do you miss all the skyscrapers where you can swing around to your heart’s content?” Peter snorted a laugh, “I can swing from trees.” “Oh, yeah?” Tony quizzed, he pushed on Peter’s back, guiding him into the house, “Well, that makes it easier for you to go on patrol whenever you stopover.” “I guess.” Pepper hurried over, tackling Peter in a hug, “Hey, sweetheart.” Peter chuckled, as he folded his arms around her, “Hey.” “Petey!” Morgan charged down the stairs, chanting her brother’s name. Like predicted, her patience wore thin pretty quickly. Pepper stepped away as she giggled at her daughter’s antics, she joined May on the couch.  Peter’s face lit up, as Morgan locked her arms around his leg, “Hey, Morgan.” Morgan took his arm and pulled it, “You gotta come and see the surprise!” Peter’s face scrunched up in confusion, “The surprise?” He looked up at Tony, “What…” Tony held his arms out, and shrugged, nonchalantly, “I don’t know. “ “Come on, come on, come on!” Morgan shouted joyfully as she yanked on his arm. “Okay, okay…” Peter laughed as he took her hand. “This way!” She instructed, pointing to the stairs. Tony followed close behind as Morgan dragged Peter across the landing, she stopped abruptly in front of his closed door. She drummed her hand against his hip, “You have to open the door!”  “Alright.” Peter wrapped a hand around the doorknob and pushed it open. His breathing hitched, as soon as he saw what awaited him.  The room was the embodiment of him. That included Star Wars wallpaper,  it was black, with stars spread around, the Millenium Falcon was tucked up in the top right corner, by the closet. His bedding was Star Trek, which was a strong contrast, but the kid had conflicting interests. There was a special closet to store his everyday clothes and a special automated section for his Spider-Man suits.  “What’s this?” Peter asked as he walked in to get a better look. “It’s your room!” Morgan shouted as she charged in, “You love Star Wars, so everything’s Star Wars! I love it too. Luke’s my favourite ‘cause Daddy said you’re a lot like him.” Tony folded his arms across his chest as he moved in, standing back to watch Peter twirl around.  “Look over here!” Morgan charged over to the bay window. In that section, the wallpaper was different. It had been Pepper’s idea. It was a printout of all art that Morgan had drawn for Peter, over the years, to remind the kid he’d never been forgotten, “These are drawings I did for you.” She darted to the closet, “And we got you some clothes too!” Tony’s heart leapt up into his throat when his focussed moved from Morgan to Peter.  Peter’s lower lip trembled, and tears filled his eyes.  Tony knew they'd misjudged this.  It was different for them.  They were caught up in the celebration of having him back. Tony saved his kid, and that was fantastic. Morgan got to meet and love the brother that she had idolised since she could toddle.  For Peter, it had been a few months, and everything had changed. Some of his friends were in their twenties and had moved on with their lives. Tony and Pepper didn’t live in the city anymore, and they had a daughter now. They had expected too much from him too quickly. Much like society did with all those who blipped. “Hey, Morguna.” Tony said gently as he placed a hand on her back, “Can you wait downstairs? We’ll be down to play some games later.” “Um…” Morgan’s eyes glistened with concern as she studied her brother, “Okay.” She left, hearing the seriousness in her father’s calm tone. “Hey, kid.” Tony hesitantly reached out his hand, resting it against Peter’s shoulder. Peter jolted back as a sob caught in his throat, “You all right?” Peter stared at the floor, as he hugged his arms around his chest, “No.”  “Pete?” Tony asked, “What’s wrong?” “I don’t…” Peter scraped his teeth across his lower lip, but he stopped. “Kid, I’m lost.” Tony said cautiously, “What’s going on? Peter looked up, with red-rimmed eyes, “Why did you do this?” “What…” Tony sighed, “What..this room?”  “Everything.” Peter hissed as he mindlessly bounced his foot against the floor, “The room, the time heist…” Tony swallowed the bile threatening to rise in his throat, he shook his head, “Peter…” “I was dead...” Peter sobbed, as he wrapped a strong arm around his front, Tony flinched at the word, “I mean gone. I--I don’t remember that.” He dipped his chin to his chest, “You guys were happy, you moved on and we..I...fucked it up.” Tony’s world collapsed around him as he shook his head. Peter didn’t know what life had been without him, and Tony wasn’t sure he was in a place to tell him about the darkest moments.  Peter looked down at Tony’s prosthetic arm, “Everything that happened with you and…” “Stop it.” Tony interrupted, as he moved over to him, “Don’t talk like that. You hear me?” “But…” “No, kid. I won’t hear it.” Tony nudged Peter’s chin up, so he looked in his eyes,  “I wouldn’t take it back ever.” He brushed his hand through Peter’s curls, “Do you think losing an arm was worse than losing you?” “I…” Peter blurted, “I thought you didn’t wanna see me.”   “Why?” “You got back from the hospital two weeks ago, and…” Oh, shit. Tony faltered, stumbling back a few paces as he realised his mistake. Peter thought they didn’t want him around because they’d kept him away from the Lakehouse. Their signals were crossed because they both meant well; Tony wanted to surprise Peter when all Peter wanted to do was be around him. “Mr. Stark?” Peter’s voice cracked, Tony blinked away tears, “I’m sorry.” “No..no…” Tony caught Peter’s wrist, “This on me, kid. The last two weeks we’ve been doing this.” He explained, gesturing to the room, “We wanted it to be a surprise. It wasn’t meant…” “Oh.”  “I’m sorry.” Tony sniffled, “No more surprises, from here on out.” “Okay.” Peter hiccuped. Tony stared at him, silently vowing to never make a mistake like this. To make an effort to read between the lines and not accidentally hurt his kid, when he was trying to be kind, “Um, what is it?” Tony smiled as he tucked Peter’s loose hanging curls behind his ear, “I’ve missed you.” Peter fell into Tony’s open arms, breaking against his shoulder. Tony rubbed circles against his back as he gently shushed him. Tony thanked the heavens, or whatever, as he held his kid. He knew, whatever happened in their lives, he would never let Peter slip through his fingers again.

[daphenomenal-1]

Top 10 Worst Movies of 2019

Some movies just pissed me off last year. 2019 as a whole was a pretty good year for films, but these were the 10 that couldn’t manage to even partially entertain me.

10. The Lion King - Now, it’s hard to dislike this film initially. I mean, it’s the Lion King. It’s not hard to fuck it up...unless you make every model a lifeless, soulless CGI creature with music that’s not nearly as good as the original. The Disney remakes have been hit or miss for me, and this was definitely a miss.

9. Charlie’s Angels - Cards on the table: I actually enjoy the concept of Charlie’s Angels. I even liked the Cameron Diaz movies by McG. They were stylistic and fun, with just the right amount of shitty camp dialogue. This has none of that: none of the charm and none of the camp. Worst of all, it’s forgettable. It feels like a worse version of Kingsmen, but without the charm and cool action and humor or the anything else.

8. Men in Black: International - I see what this movie was trying to do: create a new MIB for a new generation. But this is not the way to start it. Chris Hemsworth and Tessa Thompson were good and had decent chemistry, but it got swallowed up in a shitty plot and terrible effects that really drag the experience down. Here’s hoping the 21 Jump Street crossover isn’t as bad.

7. Countdown - Countdown is what happens when a director watches Final Destination and goes “hey, let’s see if we can make a shittier version of that same movie but with none of the mouse trap deaths and none of the violence”. It’s not fun, it’s not entertaining, and above all: it’s a dull slog of a horror movie. You’re better off watching Final Destination 4.

6. Hellboy - This movie should have been good. It had great things going for it: it had a great lead in David Harbour, some coolish looking effects. It’s actually taking inspiration from the comic it’s based on and the trailer made it look at least kind of funny. Spoilers: the movie sucked. All this Hellboy movie did was further cement my love for the del Toro Hellboy movie.

5. Terminator: Dark Fate - Terminator should not be a franchise. This movie is why. Even if we omit the beginning of this movie, which is infuriating from a Terminator timeline standpoint, the movie is just a bunch of over-the-top action sequences. I can get behind that, but we need a good movie still. Nothing about this is memorable, nothing about this is fun and the Terminator franchise still ends at Judgement Day.

4. Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker - Why? Why is a Star Wars movie in my top 5 worst of the year? It shouldn’t be this hard to make a good Star Wars movie. But the Rise of Skywalker fails because it’s reacting to the disapproval from the Last Jedi and trying to regain that fan base instead of creating its own story. In that, they do things that don’t make any sense within the bigger picture, they bring characters in only to waste them, and - in my personal opinion - invalidate everything the original trilogy stands for. Even though I don’t like the Last Jedi, at least it tried to be its own movie.

3. Dark Phoenix - Listen: I’m a comic book fan. I love X-Men. I love the Dark Phoenix saga. And they fucked it again. Nothing about this movie is good, not even Fassbender could save it. Dark Phoenix once again butchered the most iconic X-Men story of all time and we will never get to see that story done well. Maybe Feige can do it, but I’m not holding my breath

2. Cats - Movies like Cats are the reasons why top 10 worst lists are made. This movie doesn’t even feel like it’s real. There’s so much nightmare fuel in this movie that it’s nigh impossible to glean any sort of enjoyment from it. Not that there’s any to begin with, but hey at least they tried. It’s almost fun to watch it as like a guilty pleasure movie, but even then it’s still really bad.

1. Black Christmas (2019) - Social commentary in movies is nothing new. That has been a staple of the industry for a long time. But dammit, you still need a good movie. Black Christmas is so bad because it’s trying to be so many things and it fails at everything. It fails at being a satire, it fails as a pseudo-Murder mystery, and it fails as a slasher. The fact that it’s a PG-13 slasher is the piss icing of an already shitty cake. In a world where social media basically has this weird effect on Hollywood, this movie attempts to capitalize on that and it comes across as preachy and disingenuous, not thought-provoking. I could go on a rant about how awful this pile of dogshit is, but I’m not gonna give it the time of day. Hands down the worst movie of the year.

[the-desolated-quill]

Quill’s Swill - The Worst Of 2019

Congratulations! You’ve made it through another year! You’ve faced many obstacles and overcome many adversaries to arrive here, at the dawn of a new decade. So as we prepare to leave the 2010s and make our way into the 2020s, lets take a look back at the challenges and hardships of 2019. And by challenges and hardships, I of course mean shitty fiction and media.

Yes, it’s time for yet another edition of Quill’s Swill, where we mark the absolute worst stories that the industry had to offer over the past year and proceed to tear them to shreds. Think of it as like voiding your bowels before the New Year.

As always remember that this is my personal, subjective opinion. If you happen to like any of the things on this list, that’s fine. More power to you. Go make your own list. Also bear in mind I haven’t seen everything 2019 has to offer due to various other commitments. So as much as I really, really want to, I can’t put Avengers Endgame on here. I know what happens. It sounds fucking terrible, but I haven’t seen the film, so it wouldn’t be fair of me to put it on the list, even though it would most definitely deserve it.

...

Seriously, read the synopsis of Endgame on Wikipedia some time. It’s like fanfic written by a nine year old. It’s truly shocking. And now it’s the highest grossing movie of all time? Give me strength.

All In A Row

Don’t you just hate it when you’re expected to parent your autistic child? Like actually show love and care and consideration to your offspring. Look at him, expecting you to treat him like a human being. Selfish bastard! If only there was a play that explored the horrors of having to be a decent person to your own flesh and blood and how objectively awful it is. If you’re one of those people, then the play All In A Row will be right up your street.

Premiering on the 14th February at Southwark Playhouse in London, All In A Row was a total shitshow to say the least. The playwright, Alex Oates, claimed to have ten years of experience working with autistic children, which you wouldn’t have believed if you saw the play as the autistic child at the centre of the play, Lawrence, seemed more like a wild animal than a person. In fact two of the main characters compare him to a dog. And if you thought this wasn’t dehumanising enough, Lawrence isn’t even a child. He’s a puppet. Yes, it’s as bad as it sounds.

All In A Row seems to place all of the blame for the family’s predicament on the autistic child, who’s presented as barely functional, bordering on bestial. There’s no effort to really make an emotional connection with Lawrence (how can you? He’s a puppet!) as the play instead focuses on how this kid has effectively ruined this family’s life because of his autism and aggressive behaviour. Speaking as someone on the autism spectrum, I can say quite confidently that this play is fucking despicable. Badly written, badly conceived, insulting and downright mean spirited. I wouldn’t want Oates looking after my autistic children, that’s for damn sure.

Anthem

EA is back and this time they’re dragging the critical darling that is BioWare down with them.

Anthem was a desperate attempt to jump aboard the ‘live service’ bandwagon, trying to replicate the success of other video games like Overwatch, Destiny and Warframe. They failed spectacularly. The game itself had more bugs than A Bug’s Life, loot drops were often stingy and unrewarding, loading times were farcically long, and the story and worldbuilding was fucking pitiful. Oh yeah, and if you played it on PS4, there was a good chance it could permanently damage it. Thankfully I have a uni friend with an Xbox One and they allowed me to play the game on that. It was a crushing disappointment, especially coming fresh off the heels of Mass Effect Andromeda, which didn’t exactly set the world on fire back in 2017.

It didn’t help that EA’s reputation was in tatters thanks to the lootbox controversy of Star Wars Battlefront II and having to try and win back the trust of fans, but worse still reports began to service of what went on behind the scenes at BioWare during the game’s development. Apparently the game’s story and mechanics kept changing every other day as the creative directors and writers didn’t have the faintest idea what kind of game they wanted to make, and the developers were often forced to work obscenely long work hours in abusive crunch periods to get the game finished for launch. It got so bad that, according to an article on Kotaku, some members of the team had to leave for weeks or even months at a time to recover from ‘stress casualties.’ 

To think this was the same company that gave us Mass Effect, Dragon Age and Knights Of The Old Republic. Thank God that Obsidian Entertainment is there to pick up the slack on the RPG front because I think it’s safe to assume that BioWare won’t be around for much longer at this rate.

The Lion King (2019 remake)

Here we go. Yet another live action remake of a Disney classic. Excpet it’s not live action, is it? Well... it’s live action in the sense that Dinosaur was live action (remember that film? Don’t worry if you don’t. No one does). Real locations but CGI characters. Millions of dollars spent on cutting edge tech to create photo realistic animals... and the film ends up duller than a bowl of porridge that really likes trainspotting.

It’s not just the fact that The Lion King remake is yet another soulless cash grab from the House of Mouse, it’s also the fact that it’s done really badly that upsets me. The Lion King works as an animated film. Bright colourful images, over the top song and dance sequences and vibrant character designs. As a ‘live action’ film, it just looks awkward and stilted. None of the animals are very expressive, leaving it up to the poor voice actors to carry the film, and to cap it all off the CGI isn’t even all that convincing in my opinion. At no point did I look at Simba and go ‘oh yeah, he looks like a real lion.’ It’s so obviously fake. In fact it reminds me of those early 00s movies like Cats & Dogs or Stuart Little where you see the jaws of the talking animals moving up and down like some messed up ventriloquist act or something. And here’s me thinking cinema has evolved past this.

BBC’s The War Of The Worlds

Remember Peter Harness? That guy who wrote that Doctor Who episode about the moon being an egg? Yeah, he’s back and he’s doing an adaptation of H.G. Wells’ War Of The Worlds. And guess what! It’s fucking ghastly! :D

The three part BBC mini-series was without a doubt some of the worst telly I think I’ve ever seen. It’s staggering how clueless Harness is as a writer. For starters he managed to achieve the impossible and somehow made a Martian invasion of Earth boring. I didn’t even think it was possible, but somehow he pulled it off. Then he sucks all tension out of the story by revealing the ultimate fate of the Martians at the beginning of the second episode, so now any threat or danger has been chucked out of the window because we know that the main female protagonist Amy at least would survive. And then finally he takes a massive dump over the source material by having humanity weaponise typhoid to kill the red weed rather than just having the Martians die of the common cold like in the book. Because God forbid us Brits should be presented as anything other than heroic and dignified.

So what we’re left with is a poorly realised allegory with ineffectual horror tropes full of OTT progressive posturing in a pathetic attempt to make Harness and the BBC look more liberal than they actually are. There’s no effort to really explore the themes of imperialism and colonialism outside of casual lip service, and we barely get a glimpse of the dark side of humanity. Everyone is presented as flawed, but basically awesome or, in the case of Rafe Spall’s character, utterly gormless. Our TV license fees help fund this shit, you know?!

And if you think this was bad, just wait till New Year’s Day where we’ll get to see Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss’ butcher Dracula. Can we stop giving these beloved literary icons to these hacks please?

Glass

I liked Split. It wasn’t an amazing movie, but it was entertaining with some good ideas, a great performance from James McAvoy and was a true return to form for M Night Shyamalan. That being said, I wasn’t keen on the idea of it taking place in the same universe as Unbreakable. I feared it would be a step too far and we’d end up having something like... well, something like Glass.

On paper, Glass isn’t a bad idea. The idea of superpowers being a delusion is legitimately intriguing and could have been a great post-modern deconstruction of the superhero genre. Except Shyamalan never actually does anything with it. The first act drags on and on with absolutely nothing happening, none of the characters really grow or change over the course of the film, Bruce Willis in particular is basically only here for an extended cameo as his character does pretty much nothing for the majority of the film, and then the entire film is undermined by that stupid Shyamalan twist. Turns out superhumans are real and there’s a big cover up. Oh great! So not only does it render the entire film pointless, it also undoes what made Unbreakable and Split so good. They’re no longer people capable of extraordinary feats via rational means. They’re just superhuman. They can do anything. Sigh.

Shyamalan... maybe it’s time to give up the director’s chair, yeah?

Cats

Oh come on! Don’t act surprised! Did you honestly think I wouldn’t put Cats on this list?!

Cats, without a doubt, is the worst film of the decade and, yes, the CGI is terrible. Not only are there these sub-human cat mutants running around, we also have mice and cockroaches with child faces, James Corden coughing up furballs, Taylor Swift trying to give the furries in the audience boners, Idris Elba looking disturbingly underdressed and Rebel Wilson being... well... Rebel Wilson. It’s a disaster of a film. And really, should we even be surprised? We all knew this was going to suck. And no it’s not because of the CGI. I thought the CGI in Pokemon: Detective Pikachu was creepy as well, but at least it had a decent script and good performances to back it up. No the reason why Cats sucked is because... it’s Cats. It’s always been that bad. No amount of ‘advanced fur technology’ was going to change that. It was still going to be a confused, plotless mess with one dimensional characters and bad songs.

The only consolation I had was that I didn’t waste money buying a ticket. A friend of mine snuck me into the premiere and we watched it in the projector room. The plan was to make fun of it and have a laugh, but we didn’t even do that because honestly there’s nothing to really make fun. There’s only so many times you can take the piss out of the CGI and honestly the film was just boring more than anything else. It doesn’t even have the distinction of being so bad it’s good like Sharknado or Tommy Wiseau’s The Room. It’s just bad, period.

I just hope we don’t see something similar happen to Starlight Express. Just think. Anthropomorphic, singing trains on roller skates. Shudder.

Star Wars: The Rise Of Skywalker

Finally we have yet another cynical cash grab from Disney.

I confess I didn’t exactly go into The Rise Of Skywalker with an open mind. I was never all that keen on a sequel trilogy in the first place, and neither The Force Awakens nor The Last Jedi ever convinced me otherwise. Admittedly they weren’t bad movies. Just derivative and painfully uninspired, and I was expecting more of the same for Episode IX. What I got instead was quite possibly the worst Star Wars film since Attack Of The Clones. Yes, it’s that bad.

This film is very poorly made, filled with plot contrivances and logic holes galore. I lost count of the number of times the protagonists got into a dangerous situation because of Rey constantly wandering off like a confused toddler lost in a shopping mall. Oh and we finally find out who her parents were and it was quite a twist, but only because it was really stupid. Of course we didn’t see it coming because nobody would have guessed it would be something that moronic. I feel JJ Abrams’ stupid ‘mystery box’ philosophy is to blame for this. It’s derailed countless franchises before such as Lost and Cloverfield, and now Abrams has fucked up Star Wars because he’s obsessed with mystery for the sake of mystery and Disney are so lazy that they couldn’t be bothered to plan an actual trilogy out properly beforehand. Instead they just wing it, making it up as they go along, which led to Rian Johnson ‘subverting our expectations’ and left Abrams desperately trying to pick up the pieces. 

In fact a lot of The Rise Of Skywalker seemed designed specifically to appease people of both sides of the wide chasm The Last Jedi had created. The roles of characters of colour like Finn and Rose were significantly reduced, Poe and Finn don’t end up together because of homophobia, but we do see two women kiss in the background of one two second shot that could easily be cut out when they release the film in China, Kylo Ren gets his stupid redemption even though he hasn’t fucking earned it, Lando Calrissian shows up for no fucking reason, Rey is given ‘flaws’ relating to her parentage in order to combat those accusing her of being a Mary Sue, but they’re the boring kind of flaws that don’t have any real impact on her character, and that ghastly ship Reylo is made canon even though it makes no sodding sense in the context of this movie, let alone the whole trilogy. They even go to the trouble of baiting us with a FinnRey romance before pulling the rug out from under us. Then, just to add insult to injury, the film retroactively ends up making the entire original trilogy completely pointless. All because Disney wanted more dollars to put in their Scrooge McDuck money bin.

The Rise Of Skywalker, and indeed the entire sequel trilogy, should serve as a cautionary tale against the dangers of hype and nostalgia. The reason The Force Awakens was successful wasn’t because it was a good movie (because lets be brutally honest here, it really fucking wasn’t). It was because it gave gullible Star Wars fans warm fuzzies because it reminded them of A New Hope whilst tempting them with the vague promise that things might get more interesting later on. And when that didn’t materialise, quelle surprise, the fanbase didn’t take it very well. I would love to think that this will serve as an important lesson for the future when people go and see Disney movies, but who am I kidding? I guarantee at some point we’re going to get Episodes X, XI and XII and we’ll have to go through this sorry process all over again.

So there we have it. The worst of 2019. May they rot forever in Satan’s rectum or wherever it is stories go to die. Tomorrow we’ll take a look at the other end of the spectrum. Yes it’s the Quill Seal Of Approval Awards! The best of the best! Who shall win? The suspense is killing me! Ooooh, I can’t wait! You’ll be there tomorrow, won’t you? Of course you will. How could you not?

[unfortunate-stranger-losers]

What are your headcannons for the kids from the four main All the Wrong Questions series?

oh geez there are so many 

Lemony Snicket

Listen every character in the Snicketverse is autistic but Lemony? HIGH.KEY. This boy cannot stand sensory overload and also stims with verbal recitation. 

After several months in Stain’d-by-the-Sea, the Associates got used to him just showing up and taking food. He eventually stopped asking, and then eventually stopped using the door. Moxie has, more than once, come downstairs to find him sitting on her counter eating cereal. 

Beatrice snuck into town once to see how he was doing, saw him and Moxie trying to jump off the roof of the diner with a tablecloth parachute and Jake dragging them back and screaming, and she just turned right the fuck around and reported to their friends, “yeah he’s fine.” 

Kit made him promise not to tell Jacques that she was almost in jail. 

MODERN AU: Gets into twitter and tumblr fights with obvious trolls. Tried to call CPS on Theodora just to see what would happen. Can recite any “Unraveled” YouTube video on command. Has an extensive knowledge of Pokemon. 

Moxie Mallahan

listen this girl is a lesbian in denial and she wrote Ellington Feint a note that said “get out of my town” because she didn’t know what else to do

She always kinda knew that her Mother was never coming back for her, but she didn’t admit it aloud until after Lemony left. 

Moxie: I can eat ten marshmallows at once. Kellar: You are a hazard to yourself. Lemony: And a coward. Do twenty 

Moxie knows how to pick every kind of lock, and how to break into every window. She takes her journalism very seriously and will get the truth even if she has to flip the world off as she does it. 

MODERN AU: Blogger. Once spent a week straight putting together a project and then passed out for forty-eight hours. Still carries a typewriter with her everywhere. Had to physically stop Lemony from eating a tide pod. 

Ellington Feint 

Had literally no idea Lemony had a crush on her because she’s just that gay. 

Actually popped up around town inbetween books constantly, mainly to chill with Cleo, Jake, the Bellerophons, and even Ornette. They just all neglected to mention this to Lemony. 

She doesn’t remember anything about her mother. All she knows is what her father told her; that her mother used to make music boxes, loved coffee, and died in a fire. 

Goes through a huge rebel/outlaw phase after escaping with Kit, because she’s completely lost and has no idea what to do or who to trust; her own father never gave a shit about her, as she now knows, so how could anyone care? Eventually she made her way back to Stain’d-by-the-Sea, where Moxie found her crying in the attic of Black Cat Coffee and awkwardly invited her to live in the lighthouse. 

MODERN AU: Has been on the run from CPS for so fucking long. Quotes Gilmore Girls almost daily and will argue your ear off about why Rory/Paris should’ve been endgame. Once ate a tide pod. Cries while watching the Addams Family. 

Kellar Haines 

Even after the Train Incident, he basically lives with Moxie. He just can’t trust his Mom anymore, and while he claims otherwise, they didn’t really have a good relationship before then, either. Lizzie stays with him. 

His special interest is in codemaking. He would’ve been really valuable to VFD if he’d gotten recruited. As is, Moxie kicks the ass of anyone who tries to kidnap him, so he’s fine. 

He’s also super good at crafting, and can make really cool art projects whenever he has the time. Lizzie used to give him art supplies whenever she could, and still hangs his drawings on the lighthouse fridge. 

He just gets so tired of his friends’ shit. He’d be a Mom Friend if he made any effort to stop them but as is he just kinda watches crap go down. 

MODERN AU: Constantly goes to the movie theater just to chill. Addicted to YouTube. Is the only one of the squad not freaked out by the Watership Down movie. Asks existential questions at random to scare the squad and then immediately says “yeet” in a deadpan voice and throws Squeak across the room. 

Pip and Squeak Bellerophon 

They took over the taxi for their Dad when he fell ill. He died a few months later, and they kept claiming he was alive, in fear that they would get separated by whoever was in charge of their case. The only person they told is Jake, because he eventually followed them home to ask their Dad why the fuck he didn’t feed them and found that they were living alone, and Cleo, because Jake can’t keep secrets from her. 

Pip and Squeak used to fight a lot, though they never intended any real harm. They slowly stopped after they started living alone, and Pip started kinda taking charge of keeping him and Squeak safe. 

They used to be very tight with Qwerty, because they were constantly at the library. He suspected their situation, but never confirmed it and was alright just making sure the kids were okay. Squeak would sometimes climb on the bookshelves and knock them over, but thankfully Qwerty thought this was funny. 

Squeak likes to “adopt” stray animals he finds in the backyard. Whenever he walks in going “gUESS WHO OUR NEW SIBLING IS,” Pip has to guess whether he’s going to bring in an injured baby bunny he can nurse back to health, or a squirrrel he just caught who is still struggling and about to destroy half the house. 

MODERN AU: Pip has a Nintendo Switch that Squeak can only play Animal Crossing on. Squeak keeps posting photos on Instagram of him and Pip driving illegally but everyone thinks they’re edits. Squeak once very seriously told Pip that he would have to marry Jake so they could keep getting free food from him (before they found out he was dating Cleo). Have slept in library closets before and will again. 

Cleo Knight 

Identifies as Demi-bi. She and Jake met as preteens, when she wandered off and got lost, and went into the diner to use the phone and call Zada and Zora. Afterwards, she kept sneaking out to visit him. 

Was much closer to Zada and Zora than her parents. She used to hang out in the kitchen with them, laying on the counter and practicing calculations or studying advanced chemistry while they cooked. 

Also very very autistic. Can only eat certain things, because she has huge texture problems. Only Zada, Zora and Jake have ever gone out of their way to accommodate her without complaint. 

Is incredibly reckless and never thinks anything through. While everyone knows she can take care of herself, it’s still nerve-wracking to see her run out the window, leaving only a note saying she’ll be back in three hours after trying to find a chemical, and coming back covered in blood that’s not her own. 

MODERN AU: Was a Guardians of Ga’Hoole kid. Would exist on a diet of cheetos, cereal and sprite if not for her boyfriend. Once, Ornette helped her break out of the house to go to the movie theater to watch Lego Batman. Super into Stranger Things. 

Jake Hix 

Literally is the only reason the Associates are still alive. He gives them food and makes sure they don’t kill themselves doing some stupid reckless stuff. 

Surprisingly, though, Cleo has had to physically stop him from fistfighting S Theodora Markson, who keeps forgetting to feed her fucking apprentice

Jake: As soon as I hit 18 I’m adopting you. Pip and Squeak, not even glancing over: Lit. 

Has been in love with Cleo since they met. Since their relationship is technically “secret”, Hungry pretends not to notice, despite how increasingly obvious it gets. She knows she should technically discourage this, but he’s just. so in love. When he’s not working, he spends his time in him and Cleo’s garden. 

MODERN AU: Has threatened to put parental locks on Lemony and Moxie’s phones multiple times. Keeps quoting The Princess Bride at Cleo, to the annoyance of the other Associates around them. Actually super into Doctor Who. Also keeps beating everyone’s ass in Mario Kart. 

Ornette Lost 

Has never once understood what was going on, but honestly she just rolls with it. “Guess we’re doing this now? Okay.” 

Keeps bringing stray cats into her Uncles’ house and adopting them. She has twelve now. There is no stopping her. 

Super close with Cleo and Jake. Mainly because she doesn’t mind third-wheeling, and will just fold origami when she gets bored, but also because she’s pretty good at dropping life advice and also is shockingly hilarious. 

Lemony: Ornette. Why did the toaster blow up. Ornette: Hm?Lemony: Toaster. Blew up. Ornette: Oh. Yeah I blew it up Lemony: why Ornette:  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

MODERN AU: Very into anime, especially Fullmetal Alchemist. Lives on ice cream. Has OPINIONS on the Disney Reboots. She got expelled from school because she graffitied GAY RIGHTS on the side of the building, and then a couple of middle fingers. 

Lizzie Haines 

INCREDIBLY protective of Kellar. She had more part in raising him than their mother; she was reluctant to leave him for her apprenticeship, but he convinced her he’d be fine. 

Sharon was a huge perfectionist in regards to Lizzie’s talents and studies, so Lizzie always felt very distant from her. When she left for her apprenticeship, she ended up bonding with Sally Murphy, to the point where Lizzie saw her as more of a parent figure. 

Lizzie noticed suspicious activity going on around town, and started investigating, even though Sally didn’t think anything was wrong. Lizzie had a conspiracy board and everything. She was kidnapped just as she was piecing everything together. 

It took her quite a few months to break out, but once she did, she immediately went hardcore and figured out how best to knock people out and keep them away from her. She had a lot of trauma that emerged after the Train Incident, but Kellar got very good at figuring out how to calm her down. 

MODERN AU: Hangs Christmas lights around her room and glowing stars on her ceiling. Knows more about Sonic the Hedgehog lore than the other Associates could ever understand. Huge Marvel/Star Wars fan. She has memorized all of Chicago, Hairspray, Black Panther, The Empire Strikes Back and Mamma Mia. 

[yourdailykitsch]

Taylor Kitsch on '21 Bridges' and Taking Pride in 'John Carter'

The actor, who has experienced ups and downs, notes his high-profile Disney flop has had a "mini-resurgence" in recent years: "People stop me all the time for that."

[This story contains spoilers for 21 Bridges]

Taylor Kitsch takes everything in stride — including his career. The 21 Bridges star became an overnight sensation in 2006 via NBC’s critically lauded TV series Friday Night Lights, whose devout following refused to let the football drama die after each underviewed season. Because of his breakout role as fullback/running back Tim Riggins, Hollywood quickly created movie star expectations for Kitsch, but once his first two blockbusters, John Carter and Battleship, vastly underperformed at the box office, Hollywood quickly threw the baby out with the bathwater. Fortunately for Kitsch, he soon found his footing with a string of well-reviewed performances including HBO’s The Normal Heart, Lone Survivor and True Detective.

While Kitsch couldn’t control the expectations placed on him, he appreciates the ups and downs as well as the continued opportunities to jump back and forth between leading man and character actor. In his latest movie, 21 Bridges, Kitsch plays a supporting role as Ray Jackson, a war veteran and small-time criminal who’s being hunted by veteran police detective Andre Davis (Chadwick Boseman). Soon, Kitsch will return as the lead in Neill Blomkamp’s Inferno.

  “I could honestly give a fuck if I’m fifteenth on the call sheet or first,” Kitsch tells The Hollywood Reporter. “I see myself as a character actor first, and it really boils down to that. I love coming in and playing a flashy guy like Ray and supporting Chadwick… So, I have no problem doing one scene if it’s something worthy or something that makes me uncomfortable.”

Oddly enough, Kitsch has noticed a recent resurgence for Disney’s John Carter, one of the films that didn’t meet box office expectations.

“I think it got another life when it went on Netflix not long ago… People stop me all the time for that, especially in Europe,” Kitsch says. “Maybe, at the time, it was more of a knee-jerk reaction of ‘let’s see how we can bury this and everyone that has a part in it.’ Over time, I think you take a breath and understand that it is what it is... I guess people who watch it now for the first time can take a lot more away from it than people did at first… I learned a ton on that movie. I honestly don’t see it as a failure.”

 In a recent conversation with THR, Kitsch also discusses his upcoming lead role in Neill Blomkamp’s Inferno, his memories from the series finale of Friday Night Lights and his experience on True Detective season two.

 My favorite part of movie robberies is the mask choices, and in 21 Bridges, your character, Ray, wears a skull bandana of sorts. If you ever performed your own make-believe robbery, what would be your go-to mask?

 Ooh. It’s funny because I do it in Savages as well. There was a long debate — and no one knows this — but we were going to wear old man masks. We screen-tested it, and I was just hoping that [Oliver] Stone would go for it. But, they went away from that, obviously. I would probably do something more enveloping — more like a full head thing. The old man mask — I was dying laughing in it. It’s a little more self-deprecating, and maybe a fuck you to whomever is coming after you. I’d probably go in that kind of direction. Point Break had all those President masks, and that was a lot of fun because you’re along for the ride.

 It seems like there’s less and less crime drama these days — at least on the big screen. Do you also get that sense within the industry?

Without a doubt. I notice it with scripts to be honest. It’s the stuff that I grew up on. This is kind of an ode to those thrillers: the Heats, the Serpicos, the Dog Day Afternoons, the Mean Streets. Obviously, I’m not comparing it to those classics, but I think we all know the game has changed with the studios and their direction. I think I’m doctoring up the stat, but I think 21 of the last 22 number-one movies have been superhero, or sequel, or prequel, or something like that. Original content from major studios is getting rarer and rarer to hit theaters. Hopefully, this does well, and we can keep making these types of movies.

There's the cliche that villains or antagonists think they're the heroes of their own story. Actors are also taught to not judge their characters. With that in mind, did you find a way to humanize Ray Jackson even though he’s one of your most ruthless characters?

I think you have to. You have to erase your own judgements like you said. It’s imperative to go in with a clean slate as much as you can. That loyalty with Stephan James’ character, Michael, is a beautifully tragic thing for Ray, and that was my hook into it all. He is a stone-cold killer, but for me, personally, he’s willing to literally die out of loyalty to Michael and the guilt over losing Michael’s brother overseas. There is humanity, and it is gray. You’ve gotta tip the hat to Brian Kirk, our director, as he really gave me the reins and that responsibility to go there with him. We reworked it a bit to infuse that. If Kirk called me and said, “Your character just kill cops,” literally anybody could go do that role. You always want to make it as deep as you can. That’s why we do this.

Ray also reveals he’s in recovery at a certain point in the film. Besides loyalty and guilt, was that character detail another major draw for you since it gave you something else to play?

It was everything. It starts with this stone-cold guy that you don’t think is gonna crack, and to see that, to understand that and to relapse because of the circumstance, that is everything. The scene at the vault was a pivotal scene — to see him start to unravel. He also mentions the loss of Michael’s brother in this moment. This guy is human, and you have to show that.

My screening was so loud that I couldn’t hear Ray’s final line, but it seems like he died trying to take all the blame off of Michael. Before giving your thoughts on his death scene, do you remember the final line?

Of course. It’s “Michael, he’s not like me.” That was two takes. It was one of the last scenes and my only scene with Chadwick (Boseman). That’s literally his last breath. Thankfully, we shot that later in the shooting schedule. Kirk and I really worked on that in the script: what would he say, how do we want to end him and make this an earned beat in the film, especially for Ray. We really didn’t rehearse, but we talked about that moment when I signed on and then we reworked it to that. There was a little bit of luck with Chadwick’s character in that moment, which really grounds it. I think he was gonna lose that gunfight if that innocent guy doesn’t come around the corner. Ray was just trained on those steps. And, just as important, the moment where he lets go of the woman. He’s dying, and he knows it. Ray dragged his hand across a handrail and wall so that Chadwick would follow his blood, giving Michael more time. That’s why Ray told Michael they had to split up; Ray didn’t want to tell him he was gonna die.

You've handled weapons in plenty of past projects. Did you have to do weapons training again, or have you maintained those skills over the years?

You always want to press the refresh button. A lot of these weapons are different as well. It’s repetition, repetition, repetition. I feel I have a good base for it. I feel very comfortable with it, but I don’t really handle weapons unless I’m working or the job calls for it. I don’t do a whole lot of that when I’m at home. I just practice those reloads, learn how to unjam and all those kind of things. You want to be comfortable, and you want it to be a part of you so you don’t even think about it while you’re working and in character. It’s a great tool to have.

Do you ever try to avoid using the same style or moves as Lone Survivor’s Michael Murphy or True Detective’s Paul Woodrugh?

To be honest, I’m not that conscious of it. The characters are just so different. I had the same Navy SEAL teach me the handgun stuff and the M4 stuff — from Lone to True. They just say, “Slow is smooth and smooth is fast. Take your time. You’re in no rush. Make sure you have the target before you shoot.” I think it’s more what’s behind the eyes in that sense. The movements are usually pretty similar if you really train with a gun. Certain people may have their own movement, but SEALS or police officers know the second you pick up a gun if you know what you’re doing or not.

  Is 21 Bridges the most night shoots you’ve ever done?

I did a series [Shadowplay] in Europe right after this, and we did a crazy amount of night shoots on that. I don’t wish it on anybody. You literally kind of lose your mind. When you’re a month in, your off-days are messed up because you don’t want to screw up that pattern. You’re doing these scenes at 4 or 5 in the morning. You go to bed at 9 a.m. and you’re up at 2 p.m. or 2:30 p.m., hopefully you can work out first. Then, you’re on set rehearsing the scene during the daylight, and the second it gets dark, you’re shooting it. It’s tough on the crew; it’s tough on everybody. It’s obviously a huge part of this movie since it takes place in five allotted hours. So, you know what you’re signing up for.

When it comes to shooting on location, do you prefer shooting all over a major city, or are you most partial to remote locations around the world?

Whatever suits the script. I will take locations any day of the week over a fucking studio. I’m not a huge fan of studios, but I understand you have to use them. 21 Bridges was all on location, and I love that. It just puts you in the moment, and you’ve got all these factors that you probably wouldn’t have to deal with in a controlled environment.

You're an actor who can be a leading man and a character actor as needed. When making choices at this point, are you less concerned with the type of role as long as the writing, cast and filmmaker are compelling?

Obviously, I’ve had great lows, great highs and this and that. I’ve worked with some amazing people. That’s always been the target — just be scared, be uncomfortable and take risks. My next one with is with (Neill) Blomkamp, and it is the lead. My character is basically in every scene of this movie, but the character and the tone of this is what draws me. I could honestly give a fuck if I’m fifteenth on the call sheet or first. I see myself as a character actor first, and it really boils down to that. While kind of impossible, if David Koresh was seventh on the call sheet, I still would’ve done Waco. I love coming in and playing a flashy guy like Ray and supporting Chadwick, a guy who’s been doing great work and is an even better guy. So, I have no problem doing one scene if it’s something worthy or something that makes me uncomfortable.

Jumping back a bit, I’ve heard a surprising number of people celebrate John Carter in recent years and how it deserved a much better fate. Have you noticed how well Carter has aged?

 I think it got another life when it went on Netflix not long ago, maybe a year ago or something, but, yes, to be blunt. People stop me all the time for that, especially in Europe. It’s had a little mini-resurgence. Maybe, at the time, it was more of a knee-jerk reaction of “let’s see how we can bury this and everyone that has a part in it.” Over time, I think you take a breath and understand that it is what it is... I guess people who watch it now for the first time can take a lot more away from it than people did at first. It’s always flattering, and I learned a ton on that movie. I honestly don’t see it as a failure. I have great memories from it, and I still talk to a bunch of the cast. It is what it is, right?

True Detective has helped fill the big screen’s crime drama void, and I actually enjoyed your season from an actor and character standpoint. Was that a great experience regardless of how it was received?

Yeah, it was. I still check in with Nic once in a while to see how he’s doing. Selfishly, probably, because I’d love for him to write me something. (Laughs.) Going back to that first beat, these noir movies or shows aren’t really getting made much, and Pizzolatto is a beast. I’d work with him again in a heartbeat. I loved his process. I watched True Detective Season One, and I remember saying, “This is the kind of stuff I want to be a part of.” Obviously, it worked out, and I’d do it again. But, yeah, I’m a huge fan of Pizzo, and we got along incredibly well. I’m still grateful for that opportunity.

I’m not gonna ask you about a Friday Night Lights reunion or revival since you’ve been pretty consistent about not being interested.

Right. Thank you.

Since the finale is where you’d prefer to leave things, what do you remember most about those final couple scenes of yours with Adrianne (Palicki) and Derek (Phillips)?

 It was sombering — metaphorically, literally. Doing that sunset scene on this house they were trying to build is such a metaphor. I like that they left it open, and that’s very FNL. We made the audience work for everything, and I love that process. I try to keep that with me in everything I do. It was just a beautiful moment, and you’ve gotta tip your hat to [showrunner] Jason Katims. He was really receptive to our ideas and applied a few of them. I’m still best friends with Derek Phillips, who was obviously Billy Riggins for five years. He actually came to Prague and visited on my last gig. I’m a big supporter of his, too. We laughed a lot, but it was just sombering, not just with that scene, but because it was over. It was a 5-year run against all odds. I don’t remember a day where we weren’t being told it was going to be canceled. I think we ended up on 25 networks, on 16 different days and at 12 different times. (Laughs.) That allowed me to just enjoy the process because it can be taken away from you in a minute.  

Is there a Friday Night Lights cast group text?

No, we’ve moved forward. I'm still in touch with (Kyle) Chandler, Connie (Britton), Derek (Phillips) and (Jesse) Plemons. I wish everyone all the best, and it all ended on great terms.

You touched on it already, but how did Shadowplay go?

Well, I think. I’ve seen a baby teaser of it, and it’s beautiful. I love that period piece. Nina Hoss is one of the best actors I’ve ever worked with. The cast is great including Mike C. Hall. It was a long shoot; we were all just exhausted, but I can’t wait to see how it turned out.

What else can you say about Neill Blomkamp’s Inferno?

It’s about a guy who loses everything and will do anything to get it back. There’s some beautiful undertones with addiction and immigration. It’s something that I can’t wait to dive into. It’ll be very challenging; it’s emotionally raw.