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kinktae · 5 years

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bitchin’ || pt. 2 (M)

↳ PART OF MY REWIND SERIES

The 80s were a time of choices. Which perm was right for you? What color neon would you wear next? None of these choices, however, were more questionable than a certain deal you made with Jeon Jungkook.

pairing: fratboy!jungkook x reader

word count: 4.4k

genre: 1980s au, eventual smut, e2l

warnings: multiple smut scenes, science talk, banter, jealousy, alcohol & LOTS of colorful 80s slang lmao

A/N: Bitchin’ is a multichapter fic, surprise!! This fic was inspired by To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before. Thank you to @junqkook for letting me use her likeness and helping me with Yara’s character overall. Hope you appreciate the easter egg based on her!

OFFICIAL PLAYLIST

01 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 05 | 06 | 07 | 08 | 09 | 10

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PART TWO

"Yara!"

The eyes belonging to the girl in question, flashed your way, widening in alarm.

"Oh, yikes." Was her automatic response, her bag of cool ranch Doritos falling onto her lap.

You were angry, that much was evident to her. Yara was sat in your shared dorm's living room, a thick blanket engulfing her small frame. You briefly glanced towards the TV, it was tuned into MTV, the familiar music video of Every Breath You Take by The Police playing, before directing your glare back onto the copper-haired girl.

"Before you say anything," Yara began, swallowing down whatever remaining food was in her mouth, "you should know they were having a rerun of the VMAs – which I missed last night – at the same time as the lab."

"You left me alone! You said you would go to the lab yesterday!" You griped, crossing your arms over your chest.

"Yes, yes that is true but I would also like to point out the fact that Madonna performed, so it wasn't like I even had a choice when you really think about it." She countered, tone pitching comically.

"You absolutely had a choice!" You laughed, shaking your head.

"Mm... I could argue that it is a subjective opinion."

You walked over to your best friend, sighing as you slumped down beside her, placing your backpack onto the floor.

You offered Yara a sideways glance.

"Did Duran Duran at least win something?" You asked begrudgingly.

"Nothing. They were robbed!" She squinted, shaking a fist in the air angrily.

A small chuckle escaped you despite yourself.

"You really should have gone to the lab, you know." You reasoned, reaching into the bag of chips.

"And smell like frog insides for the rest of the day? Grody to the max." She responded, before flashing you a look. "No offense."

"None taken." You grumbled, her observation fully noted though.

"Besides the makeup lab is next week. What could I have possibly missed this class?" Yara dismissed you absentmindedly, turning back towards the television as she reached for another chip.

"Well." You chuckled nervously. "For one, I have a boyfriend now."

At your words, Yara froze, a chip still in her hand as she paused mid-bite.

"You what?!" She all but shrieked, causing you to jump.

"Who? How? When? Tell me everything!" Her hands found your shoulders, shaking you slightly. You shoved her off with a laugh.

"Uh, well, his name is Jungkook–"

"The Jeon Jungkook?! From our lab?" Yara interrupted, eyes wide and shining with interest.

"Um... yes?" You responded cautiously.

Yara let out a scoff, leaning back further into the couch.

"Unbelievable. I leave you alone for one day and you get a boyfriend! And a fine one at that. This is so bogus."

"Mine and Jungkook's whole relationship is bogus, Yara." You rolled your eyes.

At your words, your best friend raised an eyebrow and you took that as an invitation to continue speaking.

"I'm only pretending to date him to make his ex-girlfriend jealous."

A sharp laugh from Yara caused you to pause, watching the way her amusement was short-lived, her smile fell as she took in your serious expression.

"Oh, you're serious." She deadpanned.

You nodded, "When you didn't show up Jungkook ended up being my partner and... well, I'm still not sure how it happened but he basically offered to fund my STEM event in exchange for helping him making his girlfriend jealous."

"They are the weirdest couple." You breathed out, shoving another chip in your mouth.

"Wait... he's gonna fund your event?! Y/N, you've been planning that thing since we got to university!"

A smile found your face, your excitement once again seeing you.

"I know! I wouldn't usually get involved in someone's love life like this but was too good of an opportunity to turn down."

"Man, I'm so happy for you! Still kind of disappointed but happy nonetheless." Yara smiled, causing you to frown.

"Disappointed? Why are you disappointed?" You pressed.

Yara clicked her tongue at you, looking at you as if the reason should be obvious.

"What do you mean why am I disappointed? Here I was ecstatic to hear that my best friend has gotten a boyfriend only to find that it's got a contract behind it!"

You giggled, nudging your knee into hers. "Think of this as a smart business venture I'm embarking on."

Yara stared at you for a moment, something clearly weighing on her mind as her lips fell into a subtle pout.

"What?" You mused.

She fluttered her eyelashes, "Does this mean you aren't going to fuck him?"

Your eyes widened in disbelief.

"Yara!" You gaped.

"Because, if you want to get technical, you kind of have to so I can live vicariously through you. It's girl code." She continued, reaching over and popping another chip into her mouth.

You frowned. "That is gross and also not a thing."

"I'm serious, I'm not accepting anything less than, like, third base." Yara pressed with a wag of a finger.

"Why don't you worry about your own sexual escapades instead of worrying about mine." You paused before continuing. "Which won't be happening, for your information."

The snacking girl let out a deep groan, throwing her blanket off of her as she stood up, taking the bag of chips with her much to your dismay.

"Well, it's not my fault I'm not getting any, okay! So do us both a favor and freak his shit." She called out, walking over to the kitchen.

"Can you stop emphasizing your lack of dick for one second?" You chuckled. "If you're that desperate for dick go back to Eunwoo."

Eunwoo was a boy Yara messed around with last semester. The relationship was short-lived, Yara quick to cut things off as soon as she realized Eunwoo was looking for something more than just a brief fling. Because ironically, despite how Yara crowed about being lonely, there was nothing that sent that girl running faster than actual feelings.

"Sweetie, I'm desperate for good dick." Yara scoffed, having had emerged back into the room, her auburn hair now let down, her trusty scrunchy back around her wrist.

"Was Eunwoo really that bad in bed?" You wondered, eyeing your best friend curiously as she moved to turn off the TV that had gone neglected the moment you stepped into the room.

Yara shrugged. "No, he was fine."

"So...?"

An enthusiastic pound against the poor television box rang out, the soft side of Yara's fist having had slammed down dramatically.

"I don't want just fine, Y/N! I want dick so totally tubular that I feel it in my guts." She declared.

A sputtering cough fell from your lips as you choked on your inhale of air.

Yara looked at you with mild concern, suppressing her laughter as she walked over and began to pat your back.

"I seriously question how you wiggled your way into being my best friend." You breathed through your coughs,.

"Eat my shorts, Y/N. You love me and you know it." She dismissed easily.

You merely grinned, unable to dispute your best friend's claim.

"Now go shower." Yara ordered, using one hand to point in the direction of the bathroom, and the other to pinch her nose shut dramatically.

Sighing, you heaved yourself off the couch. You doubted you smelled as bad as Yara made you out to, but you couldn't deny that a shower sounded terrific right now.

"Yes, sir." You sent her a salute cheekily before turning to head to the bathroom, shaking your head as she called out after you.

"And when you come out I need to know every single word you and Jungkook exchanged. If you're dating him then so am I, bitch!"

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The weekend had breezed by quickly, homework and the newest Cyndi Lauper album occupying all your free time. You hardly had time to contemplate your new role as Jeon Jungkook's new girlfriend.

You and Yara had been in the midst of a conversation about what exactly she should get her little sister for her 13th birthday when you first spoke to Jungkook again.

"Cabbage patch kid?" Yara offered, causing your nose to scrunch up.

"How old do you think your sister is?"

"Hey, don't sass me. For your information, Lyanna still has all her Care Bear tapes. She threw a hissy fit when my mom tried to give them away last Christmas." Yara recalled.

"Still, she's becoming a teenager. I vote no on the cabbage patch kid."

"I'm with you, babe." Jungkook spoke up suddenly, lips pressed together as if in contemplative thought.

You hadn't even noticed him enter the classroom, much less approach and listen in onto your conversation.

"Jungkook!" You breathed out in surprise, stomach fluttering slightly as you realized what he had just called you.

"Why don't you get her a pair of roller skates?" He ignored you, placing a hand on the table and leaning onto it. You tried your hardest to ignore the way the muscles in his arm flexed with the movement.

You cleared your throat, "Roller skates?"

"Yeah. Every kid has to get a pair of roller skates. It's like a rite of passage."

"I never got roller skates…" You muttered.

"And you were robbed of a childhood." Jungkook informed you solemnly, causing you to roll your eyes.

"Sup." He said suddenly, eyes flickering to Yara as he offered her a casual nod.

You watched in amusement as a pink hue made its way onto your best friend's face, nodding back at him.

Seeing as Yara had remained silent this entire time, you realized it was probably best you introduce the two.

"Uh, Jungkook this is Yara, my best friend. Yara this is Jungkook, my... "

Business partner?

Temporary acquaintance?

"Her boyfriend." Jungkook finished for you cheekily, sending you a wink.

"Fake boyfriend." You reminded, causing Jungkook's eyes to widen.

"I don't know what you're talking about." He stated bluntly, eyes gesturing to Yara forcibly.

Oh. He thought you wouldn't tell your best friend about him? Hah.

"She already knows we're not actually dating–"

An angry shush came from the messy-haired boy, preventing you from talking further.

He hunched closer, eyes flickering across the classroom, "Keep it down, would ya? There are eyes everywhere."

"Sorry, jeez." You apologized dryly, raising a brow as you mimicked his motions.

"Bold of you to assume I won't be guiding Y/N throughout this entire arrangement." Yara spoke finally, her nose turned up slightly.

"Is that so?" Jungkook looked at her in surprise.

"Yep. In fact, I've self-appointed myself manager of your entire relationship." She replied smoothly.

Jungkook grinned, clearly finding humor in her words, "Well, then. With that kind of assertiveness, I'm sure we're in good hands. Nice to meet you, Yara."

"Likewise."

You frowned as your best friend and Jungkook shook hands.

"Anyway, as your manager, my first bit of advice for really selling this whole fake relationship thing is for the two of you to sit together. So if you'll just excuse me..."

At the sight of Yara reaching for her notebook and pen, alarm ran through you.

"Wha– Excuse me, what are you doing?" You protested immediately.

Jungkook, on the other hand, simply grinned. "Great advice!"

"Why thank you, I accept payment in cash and Annie Lennox cassette tapes."

"Yara, where are you even going?" You whined, watching as your best friend chucked her things into her bag.

"To sit at another table. Who am I to keep people in love apart? Jungkook you can take my seat."

Your shoulders slumped miserably as you watched as the smirking boy replaced Yara's spot on the stool beside you.

"Have fun, kids." She teased, waving the two of you off with a hand as she walked over to another table.

"I like her." Jungkook smiled cheesily.

"She's not kidding, you know." You warned. "If she says she's our manager then you better believe it. Whether you like it or not, she's gonna accomplish what she's set out to do."

"Reminds me of you." He replied with a hum.

You blinked in surprise.

"Was that... a compliment?"

"Was it?" His eyes went wide, voice pitched in feigned surprise.

A small laugh escaped you and before you could retort with your own sarcastic comment, your professor began to speak.

"Good afternoon, everyone. I hope you all had a good weekend." Mr. Kim greeted, his usual coffee mug in hand. He looked somewhat worse for wear, you noted. "I did. And as I sat here and reflected the choices I made Sunday night, I came to the conclusion that I will be sparing you the boring lecture this class and putting on a movie.

Widespread chatter of relief fell over the class, everyone elated to hear that this specific class would require minimal effort.

Mr. Kim had just sunk into the chair by his desk when a hand of a student shot up.

"Yes?" He answered.

The owner of the hand spoke up, "Should we take notes?"

Mr. Kim stared at the student with subtle bewilderment.

"I mean if you want? Guys, I'm gonna be honest with you all, I'm hungover as all hell. As long as you watch quietly and keep the lights off, I don't care what you do."

And with that, all the students turned back to chat amongst themselves.

It was funny, Jungkook thought, how easy you were to read when you thought no one was looking. He had been watching you through the corner of his eye, watching the way you hung onto the professor's every word and how disappointment washed over you when you realized there was no learning to be done today.

"Cute." He muttered to himself.

"What was that?" You replied absentmindedly, reaching for a sheet of paper.

Jungkook straightened in his seat, unaware he had said that out loud.

"Nothing."

You paid his reply no mind, however, pencil in hand as you began to write something onto a sheet of loose-leaf paper. Jungkook's head tilted in mild curiosity as he watched, wondering what it was you were doing.

To his surprise, the very paper of interest was then thrust his way, a soft sound ringing out as it rubbed against the cold surface of the lab table.

"What am I looking at?" Jungkook deadpanned. You shifted in your seat before responding.

"I think it's about time we talked seriously about this... relationship of ours. We need to establish rules."

Jungkook glanced back down at the paper.

"I see."

Suddenly, Jungkook's hand reached out for the zipper of his bag. You watched in silence as he pulled out the first writing utensil he could find – a blue marker – and jotted something down quickly.

You frowned, scooting your stool cautiously closer to him to get a proper look at the paper he had just written on.

"What is this?" You frowned.

"I believe it referred to legally as an amendment." He informed, eyes twinkling mischievously.

"Jungkook, I'm not going to kiss you."

Despite your seriousness, a smile nearly escape your lips at the sight of Jungkook's mouth falling into a pout.

"Why not?" He asked.

You raised a brow, "Um, we're not actually dating? Did you forget that?"

Jungkook let out a small noise of what you could only assume was indignation.

"Not to sound like a total douchebag but the fact that you don't want to kiss me is, like, totally insulting."

"I agreed to be your girlfriend, not some disposable pair of lips you're allowed to use whenever you need your ego stroked. Do I need to remind you that I hardly even know you?" You hissed lowly in case someone was listening in on your conversation.

For a moment it was just you and Jungkook glaring at each other. Neither of you was going to budge, he realized. He let out a sigh.

"Look, I see your point and what this is looking like but I promise you I'm not being creepy here. No one is gonna believe we're together if we don't kiss each other. To anyone that looks, you could just be my friend if we don't show some kind of affection towards each other."

Your arms crossed over your chest, your hard expression not letting up.

"One kiss. That's all I'm asking for. Just a peck, if that's all your comfortable with." He continued, causing you to hum.

He was certainly going to a lot of trouble just for one peck.

Maybe he did have a point. One kiss wouldn't kill you, would it?

"When?" Was your response, taking him by surprise.

"Uh... whenever? Preferably somewhere people will see. Maybe at the Halloween party this weekend?"

You frowned, a thought crossing your mind.

"You want me to kiss you at a party? In front of a bunch of people?"

"Well... not if you really don't want to..." Jungkook replied, suddenly feeling bad that you might really not be all that comfortable with this whole thing.

You shook your head, "No, it's not that."

Kissing Jungkook wasn't as daunting as the idea of doing it in front of a lot of people. It wasn't that you were socially awkward, per se, but the possibility of stage fright was undoubtedly a real one.

You let your thoughts run for a while before you finally came upon a slightly annoying solution. An audible sigh left you as you grabbed your pencil and reached for the paper.

"I don't want to embarrass myself." You told Jungkook bluntly as he read the contract's newest addition, your eyes fixated on the sheet as you couldn't find the courage to meet his eyes.

"So I want our first kiss to be somewhere private where I can make sure I know what I'm doing. Familiarize with... how you kiss... and stuff..." You trailed off, the warmth in your face suddenly too distracting to let you think intelligent thoughts.

Jungkook's eyes were as wide as saucers, glued to the side of your face as if trying to decipher whether or not you were being serious. He assumed you must be as the tone in your voice wasn't mocking in the slightest.

"Oh. Yeah, sure." He nodded quickly, still noticing the way you couldn't look him in the face.

A shit-eating grin found his face, "Y/N, are you embarrassed right now?"

"No." You stressed quickly, looking over at him defensively. Your eyes fell onto his lips against your better judgment and once again you turned away from his stare, heat rocketing through you. "I just don't want you thinking anything weird like this is me wanting to kiss you."

The dark-haired boy pressed his lips together.

"Trust me, you've made your opposition against kissing me abundantly clear." He told you pointedly before reaching for the contract. You watched him gratefully, thankful for the shift in interest.

"I'm serious about there being eyes everywhere. If Kiri finds out the truth, it's game over. I'd look like a total wastoid. Not to mention I'll never hear the end of it from my brothers." Jungkook told you, pushing the paper over for you to read. Tapping the end of your pencil against the table, you pondered something before scribbling else onto the rules.

"Fair." Jungkook expressed. "As long as you can guarantee she won't tell anyone."

"Yara is lonelier than Henry David Thoreau, you have nothing to worry about." You shrugged easily.

"I... have no idea who that is."

"He's a transcendentalist writer who spent two years in isolation–"

"Oh, so you're not just a science freak. You're a well-rounded nerd." Jungkook teased, causing you to scowl.

You grabbed your pencil. You could feel Jungkook lean to peer over your shoulder, laughing lightly as he took in what you wrote. No sooner had you finished, the paper was yanked from underneath your palm, your pretend lover quick to scribble back a response.

And that was how the two of you spent the next twenty minutes, discussing rules and filling the rest of the page, muffled exchanges of giggles catching the attention of students near you as they began to wonder could possibly be on that sheet of paper that had the two of you blushing and whispering like that.

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"Can I put my hand in your pocket?"

The request came seemingly out of nowhere. The class had just finished and Yara had passed by your table briefly only to insist that Jungkook walked you to your dorm, promptly informing you that she and you would not be walking back together as usual, before she left the room altogether.

You sent Jungkook a pointed look as the two of you exited the classroom and walked out into the hallway.

"What like in Sixteen Candles?" You presumed, throwing your bag over your shoulder. "Nice try scumbag, I'm not letting you cop a feel of my ass."

"Why do you assume everything I say has some sort of hidden motive behind it?" Jungkook scoffed. "I was trying to be romantic."

"Oh, really?" You asked, sounding skeptical.

"I mean, sure, getting to touch your ass would've been a nice perk..."

A pleasant laugh escaped you and Jungkook felt something in his chest tightened, and before he could think to warn you, his hand found yours.

You glanced down at the gesture, a shy expression finding you suddenly as you look back up Jungkook, eyes wide and face warm as he offered you a small smile.

"It's no hand in your back pocket but... this should still get the message across to everyone." Jungkook's fingers laced between yours and you tried your hardest to appear nonchalant as if your heart wasn't in your throat right now.

You simply nodded, continuing to walk alongside him as the two of you began your journey towards your dorm building.

It wasn't entirely awful, you found.

Jungkook's hand felt nice in yours. It was warm and soft– your ex wasn't one for PDA so you had always wondered what it might be like to walk around with someone you liked like this.

Shame your first time had to be with your fake boyfriend.

You hadn't realized how social Jungkook was until just now, however. It hadn't been more than a seven-minute walk but more than a handful of people had called out to Jungkook, offering him a greeting and a wave as they went about their days.

You had brought up his apparent popularity to Jungkook but he merely laughed the statement off, saying that it just came with the territory of being in a fraternity.

"Yara's gonna be so proud when she finds out we thought to hold hands all on our own." You brought up on the elevator ride up to your dorm.

The romantic embrace had been severed the moment the metal doors had closed on you two, no longer having an audience to perform for.

"She's quite the character that Yara girl." He noted.

You shrugged, "She's not too bad once you get used to her."

Jungkook shook his head as if you had miss understood him.

"I didn't say it was a bad thing. You're a lot like her, you know."

"Am I?" You raised an eyebrow.

Jungkook nodded, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Headstrong... passionate... won't take no for an answer... seems like the only person you two would listen to is each other."

You were surprised. Once again, it was a seemingly genuine compliment that had come out of nowhere and you weren't entirely sure how to respond. You clasped your hands behind your back, a grin washing onto you.

"Pretty sure you've got bigger balls than I do." He finished his thought, causing you to snort.

"Sorry if we challenge your manhood." You joked, nudging your shoulder into his just as the elevator door open. You slipped out onto the floor, Jungkook following behind you.

"Oh don't worry about that, babe. You two can test my manhood whenever you want." He told you greasily, a suggestive smirk on his face.

"If I weren't contractually obligated to be nice to you, I would smack you."

You reached the door of your dorm a few moments later, turning to Jungkook awkwardly.

"Well, thanks for walking me." You said.

Jungkook tucked his hand into the pocket of his jacket, shrugging coolly.

"I'll see you in class on Wednesday then."

As if on cue, the door of your dorm unlocked, swinging open enthusiastically, revealing a smiling Yara.

"Wrong. You'll be seeing her tomorrow." She stated matter-of-factly.

"I will?"

"He will?"

You and Jungkook both expressed your confusion in unison. An amused expression fell over Yara.

"I did some thinking on the walk back from class and decided that Jungkook is taking you out on a date tomorrow." She explained before turning towards the man in question. "When do you finish class tomorrow?"

"Uh... three o'clock?" He answered slowly, eyes flickering to yours to see if you had any idea what your best friend was talking about. You didn't, of course.

Yara tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "Perfect, Y/N's last class is at two. Come pick her up here around four."

"Oh, uh, sure." Jungkook nodded, looking somewhat scared of the small but authoritative girl standing before him.

As if snapping back into reality, you shook your head. "Hold on, I didn't agree to this. Don't I get a say in this?"

Yara's eyes flickered towards yours dully, "No."

She clapped her hands together suddenly, directing her attention back to your pretend lover.

"Thanks for walking her over. We'll see you tomorrow at four. Don't be late, bye!" Yara sang sweetly, hand reaching out to wrap around your forearm.

You let out a yelp as you were tugged into the dorm, door slamming shut as you left behind a perplexed looking Jungkook.

"What the hell was that?! Why am I going on a date with him?"

Jungkook could hear your voice through the closed door, pitched angrily and clearly directed at Yara.

"Third base, Y/N. Don't make me say it again."

"I literally can't stand you."

A small laugh fell from the boy as he stood in his place in the hallway, eyebrows furrowing in amused bewilderment as he wondered how he ended up with not just one but two stubborn fake girlfriends.

5K notes · View notes

wrentheworldsatstake · 4 years

Text

Part 1 of 5+1 Stucky learn about the LGBTQ+ Community,

Warnings: Steve has some deeply internal homophobia, and uses some unsavory language to refer to himself+ Steve recalls a murder of a gay neighbor that traumatized him, I essentially projected my religious trauma on him darlings, so it gets angsty.

2k+

1) Steve Rogers was enjoying his countrywide road trip. His favorite things were to visit scenery that he dreamed of seeing with Bucky way back when. His second favorite things were the small shops that reminded him so much of the small businesses back home. It was still hard to buy things, even with Tony funding his trip with more money he’d ever seen, but Steve knew supporting these shops would keep them around, and Steve needed a slice of home.

Steve had motorcycled all the way to Arizona. This is the last stop on his trip, and probably the most painful. Bucky always dreamed of seeing the Grand Canyon, it was one of those dreams that were tossed back and forth if they somehow became millionaires.

Steve remembers that winter that felt colder than the rest. Not much, he was delirious for most of it (according to Bucky after the fact he had his last rites done? Something he has no memory of but to be fair there was a reason he was having his last rites done). That isn’t important, what he remembered was Bucky crying, something he’d never seen before. He remembered Bucky telling him if he made it out of it, they’d see the grand canyon together.

Steve misses Bucky, in ways he knows he shouldn’t. He remembers Robert, the son of the baker that made the good bread. He remembers he was seen kissing a boy, and he remembered Robert ending up dead. Homosexual Killed by Crowd, was in the papers. He remembered that he went to mass with his mother and the sermon that day.The priest called it justice, he called Robert (poor sweet Robert, who snuck his mom a loaf of bread when Steve’s dad died), filthy and depraved, and deserved to be murdered. He remembered the baker at the mass, nodding,crying yes, but nodding. Every time he tried to get bread there from then on it tasted like sawdust.

Steve remembered when the boys (Bucky’s friends really, but when they were mean to him, Bucky chose Steve instead), were talking about Mary. And how her assets were nice and big. They described how attractive she was and Steve didn’t see it. He saw that in Bucky, brave, beautiful Bucky, and that scared him. Made him feel colder than any winter they ran out of kindling.

So there was Steve, staring at the canyon. His heart was shaking in ways that made him worried the serum stopped working. He had a slip of paper, a napkin from a diner with an image of Bucky sketched on it. He held it up so “Bucky” was seeing the canyon.

“Buck, it’s the grand canyon. Buck isn’t it beautiful...”

Steve hoped in heaven Bucky was looking down at him. Steve hoped Bucky was happy up there. Steve hoped that Buck still loved him, even though he ought to know Steve’s proclivities up there. Most of all, Steve hoped that he could make it to heaven, to see Bucky again, even though he was a queer, hoped God made an exception, that maybe if he prayed enough that god could forgive him.

It took a while for Steve to pull himself together. He wasn’t crying- per se, but some tears slipped out. He hiked all the way to a gift shop a couple of miles away from where he-. Well he walked a couple of miles to a gift shop. He had bought gifts for the whole team, except Natasha. Tony and Clint were easy, they both would appreciate a gag gift, so he got Tony a figurine of iron man that made him giggle in the store, with a face painted literally primary color yellow, lopsided eyes, and armor that was pretty much three red blocks stacked on each other. For Clint he got him a bag of birdseed, and he wrote Property of Hawkeye in purple marker on it. (He asked Tony on his phone (after spending twenty minutes reading an operating manual meant for senior citizens) if that’d be funny, and Tony apparently called “dibs” [whatever that meant] on him for a “prank war”).

Thor and Bruce were a little harder, but he got advice from Natasha on what they may like. With Thor he bought food he’d never tried before, so they could try modern cuisine together. With recommendations from Tony, he got Oreos, Twinkies, “Seaweed” (which he had thought was an aquatic plant??), Tater Tots, Doritos, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, and he did want to try some other things (like sushi? Or pineapple?) but Tony told him it would spoil on the way back. For Bruce, Natasha told him he drank a lot of tea, that it worked with calming him down. So Steve bought tea grown from places he visited. He got some from California called “Golden Feather Tea,” which sounded something Bruce would really like. He also found some from Florida, Alabama, and Georgia.

Everyone had a gift, but Natasha. He wanted to get a gift that Peggy might like, because well… they reminded him of each other. He didn’t want to get anything that may imply he wanted to court her for, so flowers, jewelry, candies, cigarettes (which actually are bad for you? They make asthma worse? Which is pretty disturbing considering how many he smoked when his asthma was bad) or gum. Knowing what he did about Natasha she probably wouldn’t enjoy any of that anyway.

Inside the shop there were a lot of stickers, license plates, and keychains. He also noticed some mid-sized flags he didn’t recognize. Well he recognized one, Natasha had one inside a potted plant. It was pink and orange and white, and he thinks it may be a country flag? He knows those changed some since he got back from the ice. Either way, it seems like a good gift for Natasha he guesses? I mean she already has a tiny one, maybe she’d like another? At least she’d award him for his observational skills.

Going to purchase the flag he noticed a little sign saying 10% of flag purchases will go to some charity called GLAAD. That’s great then! Charities are good. He goes to purchase the flag and put it in the trailer Tony rented for him. He originally decided to go by motorcycle, but when he tried to lug around souvenirs, or sleep in a hotel, he realized he much preferred a mini-house that he drove around than a hotel where his nightmares ended up waking up a baby and it’s parents.

---

Steve was in a good mood. Tony had offered him a room in the tower, which he was worried about originally, but it had so much thought and consideration inside of it he gave the man a bear hug. Tony had a radio on his dresser that Steve remembered having like it once. He had a station on it that played music he remembered throughout his lifetime. There were instructions for each appliance inside of the small kitchen under each appliance. There was “vintage” furniture throughout the apartment, a dresser he remembers his mother dreamed she could have. There were art supplies for him, and a room where he had skyline views and natural light (how Tony knew about his art, he has no idea). Finally he was close to the common room, and could either take the stairs or elevators there, so he was close to the team.

It was an apartment that he dreamed of sharing with Bucky. He could imagine teasing Bucky while he was making the soup for the week. He could imagine giggling and dancing to the radio songs together. He could imagine sharing the bed, holding- no Steve. Steve, that's bad.

---

The entire team was gathered in the common room. Steve had wrapped the gifts inside of newspaper, something he remembered doing with his mom, before kindling got low and they had to use the papers for heat. He handed Tony his first (it was the first one he bought after all). Tony eagerly unwrapped it, flinging paper at Clint, (who balled it up and threw it right back).

“Aww Capsicle ya shouldn’t have,” he said in an exaggerated girlish voice, “Such a gift ought to earn ya a smooch,” which made Steve back up. Did they know, know that he was a homosexual? If they did know, why would they bring it up? These sorts of things were kept shamefully hidden, (unless they were planning to hurt him, but he doesn’t think they will), they weren’t teased or advertised about. Tony stopped when he saw that Steve had backed up, face pale, and somehow the room became more tense.

He handed Clint his gift next. (More like dropped it in his lap, causing an oof to be forced out of Clint). Clint took his newspaper and balled it up and hit Tony, who was just about to tell him not to do that. He held the bag up, and stared at the writing. Natasha who sneaked a peak got a small laugh at the birdseed bag.

“Hey Birdman, do you need that in a feeder form? For when you’re feeling peckish”

Clint stared right into Tony’s eyes, opened the bag, took a handful and ate it.

“No Tony, I have thumbs,” he said after chewing (and grimacing) “so I can eat the birdseed with my hands, I can also do this”

which Clint punctuated with throwing a handful of birdseed at Tony. Natasha rolled her eyes, hoisted up the bag, and said “idiots” almost endearingly? As she put the bag on a shelf by the television.

“Alright then… moving on” Steve said awkwardly. Steve couldn’t really wrap Thor’s gift, so he had it in a plastic bag

“So Thor, uh- we’re both new to the modern era, well you on earth- so I thought that, maybe we can try these foods together? I got a list from Tony and-”

“That would be wondrous shield brother Steven. To try the cuisine of midgard is one of my favorite joys, if they are as any good as those poptarts my friend Darcy introduced me to, we shall have a glorious feast” Thor said, which made Steve sigh in relief, he didn’t want to have made Thor upset (because Thor could crush him with his muscles, his really strong- stop thinking Steve!) Steve gave an awkward smile and moved onto Bruce.

“So Natasha said you enjoyed tea, so I got some from my travels, uh- I hope you like it, if you don’t then I can get you something else-”

“It’s great Steve, thank you,”

Steve sighed in relief, if the team didn’t like him, if they were going to hate him because of his sickness, then how exactly could he lead? He got off on a bad foot in the helicarrier, and things were so different now, and there are now words that were okay back then but, not now, he was being very careful to ensure he didn't offend anybody.

He saved Natasha’s gift for last. He handed it to her kind of sheepishly. Natasha opened it gingerly, and he could see an expression of surprise on her face, before she quickly schooled it to a neutral expression.

“Thank you Steve,” she eventually said.

“Hold it up Natasha! I can’t exactly see it from here,” Tony demanded. Natasha held up her flag, and showed it to the group.

“Wow Cap, you got Itsy Bitsy here a lesbian pride flag, way more progressive than I thought you’d be, I probably owe a bet to someone-” Tony said, sounding pleased.

“A lesbian…? I’m sorry that’s not a term I’m familiar with? I noticed she had a tiny one in a potted plant on her desk, is Natasha from Lebanon, I thought she was Russian? or was that a cover?” Steve said, with an expression of confusion.

“Oh- okay then well…” Tony said. The entire room felt like it dropped several degrees. “Well,” Tony said, “A lesbian is a term for a woman who loves women, the flag identifies them-”

“Oh! I’m so sorry Natasha!” Steve said hurriedly, thinking exactly how the nazis identified it, the whole room tensed, “I didn’t realize I’d give you a modern pink triangle equivalent, I had NO idea, I’m so sorry Natasha-”

“Oh no-” Bruce said “It’s a pride flag, it's something that lesbians like- they use it to show pride, it’s not something that is used to hurt people”

“Wait, So no one will hurt Natasha right? Not that anyone can, but this is a thing in the future, that Natasha won’t be hurt?” Steve said.

“No Steve. There’s laws against that now, you actually get prosecuted if you break them,” Natasha said, “I promise you Steve, I’ll be okay.”

“Wait what about the bible, I remember that it’s a sin under god right?” Steve said frantically, remembering the preacher's sermon, dead Robert, and the threat of hell he feared ever since he discovered he was attracted to Bucky, “I support your lifestyle Natasha, but I can’t, I don’t”

“Captain Steven if I may- there’s a website that goes over it, it’s like an online pamphlet or book, it goes over the bible, it gives evidence that the bible isn’t actually against homosexuality, I’ll pull it up for you tonight if you wish” Jarvis said, difusing all of the tension inside of Steve’s shoulders,

“So I won’t get sent to hell for my proclivities” Steve said, worriedly, trusting his team with something he’d hidden for so long.

“No Steve, it’s okay-” Bruce said, hand on his shoulder, “I promise Steve, there’s nothing wrong with you”

And somehow, that was okay, he was okay, even with Tony interrupting “So I’ve got a chance to tap that ass,” whatever that meant.

#stucky #starker #future-starker #LGBTQ+#Gay Steve Rogers #Lesbian Natasha Romanoff #first fic be nice!

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5am-moonlight · 5 years

Note

can i get some mcfreakin uhhhh voltron matt x reader fluffy times 👀

yo nonnie I’m sorry this took so fucking long

also the cat is based off a real stray cat that we kept for like two weeks on and off but it’s g he has a genuine home now also the allergy thing happened too 🤙

Uhh yes this is Christmas themed (I kno, it’s not Halloween yet, I hate myself too) but there’s no real mention of the holiday,,, warnings: uhhh idk mention of condoms but all still pg 12.

The minute you woke up on Christmas Eve, you started to really get excited. You’d known exactly what to get Matt, you saw how his eyes lingered on the new Killbot Phantasom: Battle for Earth. Apparently it was completely revamped, 4K HD Graphics, new mech characters. You liked games, not as much as him, you were more computer-y, but you played some PS4 games now and again when you had the time, and you had to agree it did look amazing. You had pre-ordered it months, even a year or so ago, and you were incredibly excited to see his face when you gave him his gift.

Meanwhile, Matt was absolutely shitting himself. He had wanted to get you the new Killbot Phantasom game, as it was something you guys could play together, but it had completely sold out. He could admit, his present choice was completely selfish but he would take any excuse to spend time with you now. Even as roommates, you guys saw very little of each other. You were working a part time undergrad degree in cyber security, and had a part time job, so if you weren’t asleep you were out of the house. Matt was a full time post grad student, and he sometimes even did bartending gigs to get some more funds in. You were both in school on scholarships, but money is something you could never have too much of in college. However recently, you’d managed to get the Christmas break off from your job because of the amount of overtime you’d done, and Matt had claimed he was ‘out of the state’ and ‘visiting family for Christmas’ so his boss would also let him have the few weeks too. He was adamant that you guys would be able to spend some time together, so he’d told you he’d had planned a Christmas dinner type thing and to buy some food (majoritly drink, he’d wrote it on the list three separate times,) and anything else that you guys might want, snacks and stuff. He knew you didn’t really like big events or anything and he promised it wasn’t actually anything like a genuine family Christmas dinner, neither of you actually celebrated Christmas, not enough money and not enough time, among other things, and you were incredibly excited. Hell, any reason to spend any time with Matt alone made you excited. He was your best friend first, and crush second but the more time went on the more you could tell this was starting to become something more than a crush. The way his laugh made your stomach get butterflies, or how he would stick his tongue out through his teeth when he was really concentrating, completely lost in his work. Or the days when he would come up behind you and pick you up in surprise. You knew he loved you, albeit only platonically, but you’d been in love with him for so long you’d happily take being his best friend over potentially loosing him. Didn’t really help he was really fucking pretty though.

Although if he was asked, he’d say the exact same thing about you.

When he woke up, he was incredibly nervous. He’d managed to scrap together some things he’d thought you’d like, but it wasn’t what he thought would be perfect. He knew you’d love anything you were given, but he wanted to feel like his gift was perfect. He’d also decided (see: be threatened by Pidge that if he didn’t she was gonna tell you herself) that he was gonna tell you how he felt, and he was terrified. Objectively, he knew he couldn’t keep his feelings for you under wraps for much longer. Every little thing you did was driving him insane. The way you’d look when you just woke up, sleepy and mumbling. The one time you accidentally poured orange juice into your cereal and turned around and buried your head in his shoulder, groaning. He’d spent the rest of the day blushing, so much so that Pidge actually thought he was ill. Or the way, sometimes, if he asked you about your day or your favourite hobby, your eyes would smile, and you’d get so excited. The main thing, that would always make him smile, no matter what, was the way you’d ask him to do something you knew he didn’t want. You would hug his arm, and beg “Please Matty?”. Your eyes would go big and you’d jump up and laugh and hug him if he’d agree. He always knew that you’d never do anything he actually didn’t want, and he trusted you with his life.

You’d come home once, drenched in rain, and in the middle of running to the bathroom, your jacket had meowed. Your eyes had gone really wide and then you’d slowly put your hand in your coat and brought out a tiny kitten, the size of your hands and placed him right in front of Matt’s face. “Please?”. You’d looked so mischievous and hopeful, he couldn’t say no. Also, the fact you’d hugged him for like ten minutes and kept on referring to him as “daddy” when talking to the kitten, which made his heart incredibly weak and made him feel incredibly soft. You’d called the kitten Monroe, and you were so soft for him. Until Matt discovered he was allergic to cats. You’d spent the night with him after you’d given Monroe to Pidge, just talking and watching movies. You’d seen how sad he was, which surprised himself, Monroe had been your baby, and made him a pillow fort in the sitting room, and gotten a ton of cat related movies on your Netflix. You’d fallen asleep on his shoulder and when he tried to move you to make you more comfortable, you’d mumbled and snuggled into him, clinging onto his chest. He remembered how his heart was going 50m/ph, and how peaceful you had looked. He hadn’t ever wanted a pet, but now he was happy you’d gotten one, no matter how it ended.

He started work on the “Christmas dinner” which was essentially his mother’s recipe for mac and cheese which included five different cheeses, some store bought potato salad, Doritos, dips, and a bags of jellies and sweets and chocolates. He managed to set everything up like a pic’n’mix stall, and got to work on the movie set up. His memory of you and him in the pillow fort remains one of his favourites, as the day he knew he had fallen in love with you. You texted Matt you were on your way home, after stopping from the shopping centre to pick up his gift, and some more sugary stuff, including a Lindt chocolate bunny that you would get each other every year, and a pack of condoms as a joke, since you’d seen him with a really smart, pretty new girl in his class. You knew she liked him, she’d come up to you at one point asking about Matt since she knew you two were roommates. He was always nervous around girls, with exception to you, which you put down to the fact you’d known him for most of your life, grown up together. You’d tried to set him up with some girls, and a few guys you knew, as a kind of way to force yourself to get over him. You’d been in love with him as long as you could remember, but realistically you knew it was never gonna happen. You didn’t like to think about too much because it made your heart hurt, like there was a hole in your chest, but you knew he was a genuine guy and whoever he would end up with was definitely lucky. Even if it wasn’t you.

You’d reached your front door at this point, and stood up straight, taking a deep breath.

“Hey! I’m hom-“ You were shocked. The hall had been decorated with fairy lights. You walked into the sitting room, speechless. You had obviously known that Matt was preparing something but not *this. He had taken his mattress, and yours you’d assumed, and put them where the couch had been. The couch had been pulled back and the cushioning taken down and put around the mattresses, for head rests and back rests, making a sort of crude looking chaise longue. There were pillows everywhere, and stacked piles of duvets and blankets. There was a small table on both sides of the fort, filled with what looked like movie bags of sweets, and wrapped presents,as well as a pic’n’mix table behind the couch. Matt hadn’t realised you were home, and he was still working in the kitchen.

“Matt”. You breathed out. “This is..insane. It must have taken you forever!”

He jumped a little bit at your voice, not expecting you some until another half an hour.

“Oh! Yeah hey y/n, I...uh, was-wasn’t expecting you until another while. D-do you like it? Everything?”

You placed your bag-for-life on the counter top and ran over to him, tackling him in a hug.

“Mattie, it looks amazing. What possessed you to work so hard on this?”

He blushed, a red flush working all the way up to the tips of his ears, and looked down to the floor.

You ducked under him, as he was much taller than you, and put your finger under his chin as to make him look at you.

“Hey, what’s up? Talk to m- hmmph”

He had slipped his strong arms around your middle and kissed you. You melted into the kiss, balancing yourself by putting your arms around his shoulders. He hoisted you up, so you would wrap your legs around him, as he held you impossibly close. You broke away with a gasp, after what seemed like hours. You’d only done it once but you knew you could loose yourself in kissing Matt.

“How long?” He seemed breathless, still holding on to your waist.

“Remember that time you defeated the final boss in Killbot Phantasom, and you picked me up and spun me around? Then”

He laughed at that, nuzzling his face into your neck.

“Then? I was 10 years old, you’d gotten the game for your 7th birthday. That long?”

You ruffled his hair, and moved to hold his hand.

“C’mon. I’ve something to show you”

You brought him out to the sitting room, still holding his hand, then pushed him onto the mattresses. He made an indignant yelp, which made you laugh, and then you yelled as he pulled you down with him. You landed on him with an oof, laughing as he started messing with you, kissing your face and neck. You eventually came out on top, resting your hands on his sides. You reached over to his table, picking up your present for him, wrapped so carefully.

“Here. Open it.”

You placed it on his chest, still partially sitting in his lap while he sat up a little straighter. He looked incredibly excited, pausing for a second before mauling the gift open. He stopped when he recognised the cover, not even fully opening your gift before he carefully placed it beside him, and tackled you guys over, so he was out on top.

“You didn’t”

“I did”

“New plan for the Christmas break, we aren’t leaving the apartment until that’s finished. You started this, now you’re stuck with me”

You smiled, and pulled him down for another breathtaking kiss.

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

#voltron legendary defender #matt holt x reader #voltron x reader #matt holt #pidge gunderson #matt voltron #katie holt #katie voltron #i am aware this took three hundred days i just got caught up in school and calculus #leaving cert sucks

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imreallyloveleee · 5 years

Note

broken up bughead? both missing each other but refuse to speak up? fluff & angst?

Betty breathes in deep, squares her shoulders, takes a step forward, and says the words she’s been psyching herself up to speak all evening:

“Hi, Jughead.”

He freezes and then turns, a mini chocolate éclair held halfway to his mouth. “Betty.” He swallows. “Hey.”

Her heart splinters just the tiniest bit in the pause between words. This is what’s left between them now, she and the boy she once felt closest to in the world: awkward greetings, uncomfortable silence. It hurts even more than she’d thought it would.

“The little cheesecakes are really good.” Betty gestures towards the dessert table behind him. Veronica had gone all out for her first New Year’s Eve party in Riverdale, hiring a caterer from the city to keep the canapes and cheese plates flowing. If nothing else, it was a step up from the single bag of Doritos Reggie Mantle had so graciously provided at his kegger the year before.

“Yeah, I’ve had like, six of them.” Jughead pops the éclair into his mouth, avoiding her eyes as he chews.

He would clearly rather be anywhere else right now than standing a foot away from his ex-girlfriend, but Betty forges on. Everything since that awful night at the Whyte Wyrm has been about what Jughead wants. She’s done what he asked, and stayed clear of the south side, the Serpents – and him. He can meet her halfway for a single evening that’s supposed to be fun among friends.

“I wanted to say thank you, in person, for my gift.” Betty twists her fingers together, her heart pulsing with one sad, steady thump as she recalls the note he’d left with it: my beloved. “It’s incredible.”

And generous, she doesn’t have to say. A signed first edition had to have cost him hundreds of dollars. Her own gift hadn’t exactly been cheap, but Betty also had a weekly allowance, and some of the stipend from her summer internship left over. (Not to mention a college fund.)

Jughead’s entire face softens – his eyes, his mouth. “So was yours,” he says. “My gift, I mean.”

Betty doesn’t bother trying to hold back her smile. “Really? I wasn’t sure if you liked it.”

He looks at her like she’s crazy. “Betty, no. I love it.”

Then why didn’t you just tell me that? She’d waited all of Christmas day for him to call her, until his text had finally landed in her phone around dinnertime. It had been so perfunctory: Thank you for the gift, Merry Christmas, Betty.

Of course, she hadn’t called him, either – just sent her own text back, with a few more emojis peppered in.

“I hope someday I’ll get to read whatever it is you write with it.”

Jughead is silent for a moment, and a lump settles low in her throat – maybe she’s gone too far. Crossed some invisible boundary he’s set without telling her.

But then he takes a step closer.

“Betts –”

“Turn up the tv!” Veronica calls out abruptly from the other side of the room, where she’s tucked against Archie’s side. “It’s the countdown!”

Someone obliges, and the sound of televised cheers from Times Square fills the air. “It’s midnight already?” Jughead mutters.

Betty’s heart beats faster – whether it’s the thrill of these final seconds, or simply the fact that he’s standing so close she can feel the warmth of his body beside her, she doesn’t know. “I guess so.”

She doesn’t join in the chanting, and neither does he. But as the clock counts down to 10, 9, 8, she reaches blindly for his hand. Their fingers tangle together, clumsy, desperate.

One of them squeezes the other’s hand; she’s not really sure who.

Together or not, there’s no one else she’d rather start the year with.

#bughead #bughead fic #betty cooper #jughead jones #riverdale #it's so hard to find an appropriate gif sometimes #anyway i think this is heavier on the angst than the fluff lol hope you enjoy it anyway anon!#anon #fic #loveleee takes fic prompts

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wigwurq · 5 years

Text

WIG REVIEW: STRANGER THINGS 3

Stranger Things season 3 is here!!!!! Bust out your 80s nostalgia and demogorgon attitude because I fully don’t remember where we left off but Netflix kind of reminded me in a very extended recap that was definitely too long? Whatever, let’s just discuss the wigs! (AND MUCH MORE).

As with last season (and any season of TV I review) I will be adding each episode to this post and then changing my wig verdict as the season progresses.

CHAPTER ONE: SUZIE DO YOU COPY?

We begin with two tweens making out and YUCK I really don’t want to live through this! I share this opinion with Sheriff Hopper who has to live through these make out sessions that are scored by 80s soft rock music. Even more insulting: THESE HAIRCUTS. I don’t know at what point these kids are gonna outgrow their bowlcuts but the answer seems to be a resounding: NEVER. Also Elle’s hair has finally grown out! TO THIS?!?!?! What overprocessed curly nightmare is this?! I feel like they were going for a Jennifer Grey situation but if that’s the case, I’ll be needing like 110% more hairspray and like 200% more dancing ability, please.

Anyway, the real news in town is: THERE’S A MALL NOW! It’s called Starcourt which is the most 80s sounding name ever and it is home to SCOOPS AHOY ice cream shoppe where Steve and Uma Thurman/Ethan Hawke’s daughter works. This whole storyline is incredibly Fast Times at Ridgemont High themed but Steve’s hair is still very wonderful. Also he can get all the tweens into the movie theater which is showing Day of the Dead and I get it Stranger Things: YOU ARE MAKING ALL THE 80S MALL REFERENCES.

Also: Dustin is back from camp! It was a science camp called Camp KNOW where and I am definitely gonna see some assholes in this shirt this summer. Anyway, this storyline was all about Dustin forcing his friends into helping him with a radio tower to talk to his possibly fake girlfriend named Suzie and truly: meh.

Meanwhile: WINONA’S SEASON 3 WIG! I’ve gotta say, this season is the best season of wig for Winona. Sure, it is still very much a mess (as is she after the untimely death of her boyfriend Rudy Reuttiger!) but it’s the best wig she’s had so far so MAZEL!

Elsewhere, the most boring teen couple in America (aka Nancy and Will’s brother whose name I won’t learn) are working at the local newspaper and Nancy’s whole job seems to be fetching hamburgers for an entire room of #MeToo examples. Her hair is business chick 80s which is to say: on brand but I could use about 90% more Working Girl, please.

And now let’s get to the only storyline I truly cared about: Nancy’s mom Karen Wheeler (aka Carla Buono). Every season, her wig brings the drama and glamour I crave in an 80s-based TV show. The arc of her wig story is truly the story of America - from 70s disco queen to bored early 80s housewife to the wig we see today - 80s mall glamour queen. AND I AM HERE FOR IT. She and the other ladies of the Hawkins Town Pool are unfortunately here for the worst character on this show: BILLY.

UGH BILLY. I will give this show major props for having his entrance to the same music playing when Phoebe Cates gets out of the pool in Fast Times (second Fast Times reference in this episode tho) but it’s a gender reversal I can definitely get behind. HOWEVER BILLY IS THE WORST. Within 2 seconds of his entrance, he fat shames a tweenager and also HAS THE WORST WIG.

Nothing has changed much from last season on this wig front. It is still very much a curly dried out MESS which is very much trying to reference Rob Lowe in St. Elmo’s Fire yet this bish has yet to wail on a saxophone or talk about granny panties so truly: no redeeming qualities here.

This does not dissuade Carla Buono from falling under the spell of Billy’s terrible wig. To be fair, her husband is a constantly napping Reagan supporter of indeterminate middle age. Anyway, the episode ends with her getting 80s GLAMOUROUS for a latenight rendezvous with Billy at a fleabag hotel. Billy, however, is run off the road by falling/exploding rats (?) and then dragged into a dirty warehouse full of said exploding rats which truly is the fate I wanted for him and his bad rattail so: COSIGN.

CHAPTER TWO: MALL RATS

We begin with Billy in the rat-infested warehouse being very much alive, so already: I’M ANGRY WITH THIS EPISODE. However, Billy and his awful wig have definitely been through the ringer and he’s about to high-tail it out of there when he comes face to face with: HIMSELF?!?! I don’t know what sort of US crossover this is supposed to be...can we get Jordan Peele on the horn about this? Anyway, he drives out of there in his now somehow completely fine car that didn’t work about 5 minutes ago and then stops at the most bizarrely situated telephone booth literally in the middle of nowhere. I thought this might be a Bill & Ted crossover but nope: he just tries to call 911 before all the electricity bails on that plan.

In other telephone news, Mike has been shook to his core by Sheriff Hopper and tells Elle that he can’t see her and makes up some lies about his grandma. Queen on the scene/his mom Karen and her GLAMOROUS PERFECTION WIG are somehow listening in (KAREN!!!!) and she’s concerned about grandma now too. Everyone back at the pool is concerned about Billy/”Billy” (not sure if he’s the real thing or a mole person version or a possessed alien version - probably the latter) and he is straight up RUDE to Karen so definitely: EFF YOU BILLY ALWAYS. There are also a bunch of shots of the back of his nightmare wig that gave me the shivers. Oh, and he fully kidnaps the other lifeguard as a human sacrifice to a demogorgon blob so definitely: EFF YOU BILLY x100000.

This episode also introduced MAYOR CARY ELWES! This is very good casting and this whole storyline seems like an homage to Jaws so: OK! Also Sheriff Hopper asked Winona’s season 3 wig (which is still good!) on a date/nondate which she definitely didn’t attend because she had far more important lessons to learn about magnets and that’s probably the best reason to stand up a dude ever.

Elsewhere, boring couple is investigating some weird rat/fertilizer situation at an old lady’s house and basically I didn’t pay attention to this part because it was boring and it involved exploding rats so: hard pass. Nancy’s hair looked fine. Jonathan’s hair is a mess. The end.

The rest of the episode was devoted to the only kind of rats I like: MALL RATS! Over at Scoops Ahoy, my favorite bromance between Steve and Dustin was rekindled and truly it is a beautiful thing.

However, Maya Hawke and her language skills (which are romance based, not Russian but whatever!) come into play to translate the Soviet message Dustin intercepted. They somehow translate it (SURE?) and also Maya’s hair is about as 80s as John Travolta’s 70s costumes were in 50s-set Grease. This hair is pure 2019 and you do you Stranger Things. THE DEMOGORGON’S IN THE DETAILS ALWAYS.

Meanwhile, Mike is BUMMED about having to lie to Elle so he brings Lucas and Will along with him to the mall to...buy something for Elle to erase the lie he told her? The whole time Will kept asking when they could leave and play D&D and the whole time I wanted these boys to not have bowl cuts anymore.

In the most important storyline, Elle teamed up with Max to have a LADIES DAY AT THE MALL AND I WAS HERE FOR IT! Max does not seem like the kind of chick who is into fashion or commercialism but her overriding guidance of finding yourself through consumerism and forsaking any sad feelings about boys is just good TV. Retail therapy is great!

And I’m sorry but there is absolutely no better cinema than an 80s makeover montage to effing MATERIAL GIRL. YES PLEASE.

Elle also used her powers to prank some asshole chicks at the Orange Julius and this whole part of the show felt very Girls Just Want To Have Fun (the movie but I guess also the song) so VERY YES PLEASE.

THEY EVEN TOOK EFFING GLAMOUR SHOTS. CAN YOU EVEN?! THIS IS EVERYTHING! I don’t know who funded this amazing afternoon at the mall since Max’s parents seem like pretty absentee wrong-side-of-the-tracks types and clearly this whole mall fiasco goes against everything Sheriff Hopper stands for but whatever logic: YAY MALL!

In the end, Elle calls out Mike on his lie and DUMPS HIS ASS! GIRL POWER! MALL POWER! ICE CREAM POWER 4EVER!

CHAPTER THREE: THE CASE OF THE MISSING LIFEGUARD

My favorite bromance, Dustin and Steve, are on the hunt for Russians in the mall! This whole plot is ridiculous and wonderful. They think they’re really onto something here (and maybe they are?) and just need to find some guy with blonde hair and a duffle bag (like all Russians!) When they find someone who fits that description, he turns out to be a FABULOUS aerobics instructor and I like what everyone has done here with the gay or European? trope.

Meanwhile, Hopper comes home from being stood up with bottle of Chianti and general sense of hopelessness when everything takes a turn for the GREAT because Elle isn’t making out with Mike - she’s found a great galpal and they’re having a sleepover. Halleluj all over the place! Elle deserves a great galpal and Max is pretty awesome and can ALMOST land an ollie so I say amen. Winona’s season 3 wig (still great!) shows up and explains about magnets and then they go back to the lab and find an actual Russian (not an aerobics instructor!) but then he hightails it out of there with no other explanation other than the fact that he might be the Terminator and/or just a motorcycle enthusiast.

Anyway, Elle and Max have the best sleepover EVER by using Elle’s sensory deprivation skills to spy on the boys and truly this is the What Men Want crossover no one wanted but sure! (PS the answer is Doritos belches and farts UGH BOYS).

Beyond that, what Will wants is to just play D&D IN THIS GODDAMNED ELEGANT CAPE, OK?! Mike and Lucas go along with it for a bit, but they are just too girl crazy to concentrate on being a nerd for long. Mike yells at Will, “it’s not my fault you don’t like girls” which is interesting phraseology since the internet really wants Will to be gay and only time will tell but honey: the cape eleganza story you’re serving is pretty fabulous, just sayin! (THE DEMOGORGON’S IN THE DETAILS ALWAYS).

Anyway, after some fun sensory deprivation visions of the guys doing stupid stuff, Elle and Max decide to invent a whole spin-the-bottle inspired game to see what other dudes in Hawkins are up to and dammit if the bottle didn’t land on my wig nemesis BILLY. Elle sees that he’s up to some pretty effed up nonsense involving kidnapping that other lifeguard so they decide to investigate IN THE RAIN.

The rest of the episode is mainly devoted to fabulous 80s raincoat fashion and I WAS HERE FOR IT. Beyond these great raincoat lewks, most of the rest of the cast also rocked some fab 80s raincoats (excepting Will who got soaked destroying his childhood fort and Steve who OF COURSE was wearing a members only jacket but jokes on him bc that rain totally dented his ‘do).

Anyway, Elle and Max go over to the missing lifeguard’s house and OF COURSE her dad is the #1 asshole that boring couple works with (oh also they did more boring investigating which resulted in an old lady eating fertilizer. Meh). But shocker: BILLY AND HIS AWFUL WIG WERE THERE TOO.

LOOK AT THE SIDE OF THIS DAMN WIG. Truly, this wig IS the demogorgon of this season.

Anyway, double shocker: THE LIFEGUARD ALSO WAS THERE! Or I guess a possessed version of her since this plotline is getting less US and more Invasion of the Body Snatchers (no need to return my call anymore, Jordan Peele). Also possession or not, this chick’s side pony and wispy bangs are the true terrors (second only to Billy’s wig).

Also can we talk about Billy’s mustache for a second? IT IS SO DISGUSTING. That’s all I have to say. I don’t want to look at it any further. Also look at how dried out this wig is and this whole episode involves torrential rain. I DEMAND MORE WIG HUMIDITY DAMMIT.

Anyway, Max and Elle (smartly) hightail it out of there right before Billy and the lifeguard attack her parents for further demogorgon possessions and we get one last terrifying view of Billy’s wig. HORRIFYING.

CHAPTER FOUR: THE SAUNA TEST

So I’m really liking the whole Elle and Max vibe going along here. I also like that they weren’t dissuaded by the whole Billy being a possessed demogorgon thing to spoil their sleepover. IT CONTINUES! And not only that, Max is literally introducing WONDER WOMAN TO ELLE. I could watch an entire episode of this also because both of their hair isn’t too offensive and they’ve both discovered scrunchies. Mazel! But of course, the guys call in a code red and they have to hightail it over there to fix everything. Ain’t it always the way, ladies?

I would like to take a moment to talk about bowl cuts. So far, I have just lumped both Will and Mike’s bowl cuts into “awful” territory as all bowl cuts are awful. However, this episode gets a lot of shots of the back of Will’s head (because the back of his neck is always sensing those goddamned demogorgons). Anyway, it became very clear in this episode just how terrible this wig is as opposed to Mike’s terrible bowl cut actual hair. I consulted the internet, and apparently the kid who plays Will CUT HIS HAIR (which he was contractually obligated NOT to do) days before shooting began and the wigmaster had to scramble and make a wig literally out of the childhood cut hair of one of her assistants. READ IT ALL HERE. Despite her hustle, this wig sucks in the way that all man wigs suck: the back taper is just all off!! And with all those closeups of Will’s neck it is VERY DISTRACTING!! Billy officially is not the only one with a terrible man wig this season. But his is still the worst!

It did hide a bit under this sweet NIAGARA FALLS hat this episode. And his oily bohunk body was hidden under this sweatshirt which was a dead giveaway to all the kids that SOMETHING WAS AMISS HERE since Billy can barely keep a shirt on at school let alone the pool. Since Will knows that demogorgons (specifically the mind flayer?) like it CHILL, everyone was all: THIS DUDE IS STRAIGHT UP POSSESSED. Great work, kids! Also honestly, this whole lewk was giving me Weekend At Bernies realness and I was here for it (since it implies that Billy is dead which I would like very much please).

Meanwhile, Hopper’s anger management issues get PEAK BLOODY when he just beats the shit out of Cary Elwes (who is technically kind of his boss?) in demanding answers about that Terminator/motorcycle enthusiast who beat the shit out of HIM last episode. Oh, and just an FYI: Winona’s season 3 wig was along for the ride and was still looking great! I cannot say the same for Cary Elwes’s face!

Over at Scoops Ahoy, Steve and his superior wigless mane are doing some serious air duct work with the help of Lucas’s precocious sister. This whole plotline begs the question: do any of the parents of Hawkins ever know where their kids are?

Meanwhile, boring couple is on the rocks after having a really boring fight about whether it’s worse to be a woman or poor and they called it a draw I guess? Anyway, I haven’t spent much time talking about Nancy’s hair which is starting to look a little lumpy honestly and the article I read (link above) told me the bizarre fun fact that most of this hair is real and permed (duh) but that part of the undercarriage is remnants from Winona’s season 1 wig which is obviously why it looks so shitty. The more you know!

Anyway, after being fired by the #metoo boss (who is now also demogorgon possessed) for wanting to investigate why that old lady with the fertilizer eating rats is now also eating fertilizer, she turned to her mom - the one and only queen of Hawkins glamour - KAREN WHEELER. LOOK AT THIS GODDAMNED PERFECT LEWK. Mama Karen ended up giving her a very great motivational pep talk that legit made me cry (SERIOUSLY) about how she had to keep fighting and get the world out about this effed up fertilizer situation. She also delivered a sick burn about her constantly napping husband. I LOVE YOU KAREN.

Back at the town pool, all the kids concocted a Home Alone-style booby trap to get Billy into the sauna, crank up the heat, and prove that there is a heat-hating demogorgon inside him. It kind of worked except they also almost died during the battle royale between Billy’s inner demon (literal this time) and Elle.

Also I know that I demanded wig humidity last time but this is NOT WHAT I MEANT OMG THIS WIG IS A GHOSTMARE. Anyway, Elle saved the day (duh) for now by throwing Billy through a brick wall like he was the Kool-Aid man but seems like he’s forming a demogorgon army of possessed mole people so seems like it’s gonna be one crazy summer, you guys!

CHAPTER FIVE: THE FLAYER

Straight off the bat: this was a weird episode because it included neither my least favorite wigwearer, Billy, nor (SOB) my favorite wig wearer, KAREN WHEELER. So we were left with a bunch of other randos, mainly Soviets. We begin with Winona’s season 3 wig (looking a little rough around the edges in this episode, I am sad to report) and Hopper, fresh off the info he beat out of Mayor Cary Elwes, high tailing it to some farm owned by The Terminator dude. Under his bed, they find a bunker with these two dudes in it. Good morning!

Terminator dude, obvs shows up fairly immediately and lots of yelling, guns, and machismo ensue. In the end, the Terminator is briefly subdued by a fallen bookshelf and Winona’s season 3 wig, Hopper, and one of the rando Soviets escape but not without car troubles because: of course?

After Hopper’s truck explodes, they are all forced to walk through the woods while Winona’s season 3 wig hilariously tries to ask the non-English-speaking Soviet dude about magnets. It’s all pretty silly stuff but I’m here for Winona’s season 3 wig to get some comedic scenes instead of long suffering Christmas light crying scenes.

Anyway, they find a 7-11 where a lot of product placement and caffeine takes place, as well as Hooper yelling a lot for no reason which is essentially his entire character this season. Get some anger management classes, dude! Also the rando Soviet gets a slushie so between that and Billy’s icee last episode: WHAT A TIME FOR FLAVORED ICE WATER!

My absolute favorite part of the episode came next when Hooper commandeered a sweet convertible from this yuppie asshole. I’m not sure how often police commandeer vehicles in real life but I love it when they do it in movies because it’s always taking a car from some pompous idiot who clearly doesn’t deserve to drive (see: Speed, So I Married An Axe Murderer, etc). You can’t get more pompous or idiotic than this yuppie (named Todd, of course?!) with both a popped Polo shirt AND a blazer with zhuzhed sleeves AND white pants. THE NERVE OF THIS GUY FOR EVEN EXISTING! PLEASE TAKE HIS CAR! OMG HIS LICENSE PLATE IS TDFTHR! EVERYTHING IS JUSTIFIED!

Then Hopper, Winona’s season 3 wig, and the rando Soviet drive directly to Murray’s compound in Illinois. I’m bummed we have to suffer through Murray and his existence again since I’ll never forgive him for the gross pull-out couch jokes he made about #boringcouple’s sex romp at his house but here we are. He DOES speak Russian so let’s just get through this translation. Oh and obviously the Terminator dude questioned the 7-11 clerk so he’s probably on his way to Murray’s house now, hopefully to kill him so I don’t have to suffer through any more of his gross sex jokes.

Meanwhile, the Scoops Ahoy spy crew are still locked in that elevator they took way into the bedrock of earth/logic but somehow manage to escape when some (more!) rando Soviets come to unlock some deliveries. Then they discover the whole Soviet plan to reopen the Upside Down while also not being noticed by one single Soviet (great security, dudes!) except for this one Soviet who Steve beats up (GO STEVE!) I’d also like to say that Steve’s superior wigless mane is truly wonderful in this episode. The lights from the underground labs really bring out his summer highlights and it’s truly a thing of beauty. Uma Thurman’s daughter continues to have a 2019 beach wave blunt instagram cut not welcome in this 80s narrative please but otherwise she’s fine.

Over with #boringcouple, they got back together I guess? Remember at the end of season 1 when we were all deeply offended that Nancy was still with Steve and NOT Will’s brother (I refuse to believe he has an actual name). How things have changed! If Steve ever took back Nancy, I would be personally DEEPLY OFFENDED so I guess it’s fine she’s just still a #boringcouple but it’s still boring you guys. Even more boring: the actors are a couple in real life and have been for years! I just found this out this week and found it DEEPLY BORING.

Anyway, #boringcouple teams up with the tween gang to solve this whole fertilizer eating mystery and Nancy totally mommed it up when she put her shitty perm back in a banana clip and told all the kids to buckle up so she could drive her parents’ wood-paneled station wagon and honestly this section felt very Adventures in Babysitting so I’ll allow it. Also Will’s bro’s hair always looks like it was cut by a weed wacker and I’m not sure if this is a comment on his socioeconomic plight but truly Winona’s season 3 wig should get her kids better haircuts please. If her wig can improve so can theirs. In any case, at the missing lifeguard’s house, they vaguely put together some blood-related clues and then decide to visit the fertilizer eating grandma in the hospital.

Only fertilizer eating grandma ain’t there, hunties! Also please return all those flowers to their vase, please. Instead, #boringcouple apologized to each other for their boring fight in an elevator and then had to fight two possessed #metoo bros from the newspaper (which was very satisfying) while Elle and Mike basically starred in an M&Ms commercial in the waiting room. I honestly was hoping that #boringcouple would get possessed too but they ended up being ok (SIGH) and the back of Will’s bowl cut wig sensed danger so I guess Elle is just gonna have to fix everything in the next episode or 3.

CHAPTER SIX: E PLURIBUS UNUM

We begin, UGH, with #boringcouple who are still battling with (part of?) the mind flayer in the hospital and Nancy gets very Sigourney Weaver in Alien and I thought she was about to get flayed but sadly Elle saved her ass. Back at Hooper’s bunker, the whole gang is still basically relying Elle for both protection and sensory deprivation recon. Nancy gels her hair up for some reason (I hope she used DEP!) and Will keeps getting the tingles on the back of his terrible bowl cut wig. Max and Mike have a battle royale about who cares about Elle more and whether women can make their own decisions about their own telepathic powers which Nancy rightfully weighs in on (you go gurl?) But honestly, no one was protecting Elle from the real catastrophe here: WEARING CRISS CROSS SUSPENDERS THE WHOLE GODDAMNED EPISODE. Suspenders are fine and I’m glad Elle has found fashion, but maybe the kids can elect one of them as Elle’s suspenders advocate to avoid this in the future?

Meanwhile, Terminator dude still hasn’t caught up with Murray (sadly) and everyone in his bunker is still very much alive, at least until they die of lung cancer (ZING!) Anyway, Murray does a lot of Russian translation, rando Soviet dude throws a diva fit about slurpee flavors, Hopper continues his reign of anger management/alcoholism problems, and Winona’s season 3 wig is honestly not looking great. They do somehow figure out what the Russians are doing under Starcourt (they even make diagrams and use a lot of Burger King product placement to reenact nuclear scanarios!) And Hopper calls a secure line to demand backup back in Hawkins. Okay?

Back in Hawkins, Bloody Bloody Cary Elwes seems to have recovered from Hopper’s beating pretty nicely (as long as he keeps those shades on) and is very much invested in the 4th of July county fair he is PRODUCING (he even made signs crediting himself!) The Terminator dude demands answers about Hooper but no matter: JUST ENJOY THIS FAIR RIDE!

Speaking of people getting face beatings, Steve is getting absolutely SAVAGED by the Soviets. It was honestly very heartbreaking because he has somehow become the male MVP of this show, partially to do with his hair god status (EVEN WITH A BLOODY FACE HIS HAIR LOOKS SO GREAT!) but also because he’s become a really sweet guy and I just want him to catch a damn break! (Tho please continue to be broken up with Nancy - dear god!)

We shouldn’t be too worried about him getting back together with Nancy, though, because if it wasn’t clear from the moment Uma Thurman’s daughter was introduced: THESE TWO ARE OBVS GETTING TOGETHER. Her hair is still a very 2019 distraction but she’s def an upgrade from Nancy. However, after taking some weird Soviet truth serum (probably just LSD, right?) she admits that she harbored a crush on him way back in the 10th grade and also totally undermines her cool outsider status by admitting that all losers want to be popular (I DON’T KNOW IF ALL LOSERS STAND BY THIS GURL I HOPE THIS IS JUST THE LSD TALKING!) This whole section gives a lot of Some Kind of Wonderful realness and honestly that is a lesser John Hughes work so I’m not sure I can give any of this a passing grade. However, Dustin and my new favorite sass machine, Erica save the day with a nuclear cow prod! GREAT WORK KIDS! ALSO YOUR PARENTS DEFINITELY DON’T CARE WHERE YOU ARE! Speaking of parents, yet again the glamour of KAREN WHEELER did not grace itself in this episode and we were all worse for it.

Back at Hopper’s cabin, Elle decides to go nuclear with her sensory deprivation recon and we all have to welcome BILLY (UGH BILLY) and his terrible wig back. Anyway, he pushes her further into the recesses of his memory/all logic on an astral plane that can only be described as the place where Michelle Pfeiffer was in the Ant-Man sequel (IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT HOW VERY DARE YOU). So we get a lot of terrible childhood flashbacks which try to show Billy’s abusive tendencies to be learned from his horrible upbringing and truly: DO NOT MAKE ME FEEL BAD ABOUT BILLY.

JUST LOOK AT THIS IDIOT. NO THANK YOU PLEASE. Despite the humidity of his entire body, his wig remains a dried out hellscape that I would love to never see again for the rest of my days. Also he almost traps Elle in the astral plane they’re on JUST LIKE MICHELLE PFEIFFER IN THAT ANT-MAN MOVIE) but she escapes into the arms of Mike (fine sure) and then Billy explains that he and and his army of mole people have been waiting for Elle this whole time and: REALLY? That seems very specific but you do you, mole people. Oh also all those mole people (grandma fertilizer included!) all file into the rat warehouse and shapeshift into a disgusting mind flayer/demogorgon/blob nightmare. YAY!

CHAPTER SEVEN: THE BITE

Welcome to the Fun Fair (a Mayor Cary Elwes production!) Somehow he recovered from his terrible face beating to show some FACE at this thing. The whole town is there and ready for some 4th of July FUN that will definitely not be ruined by Russians or demogorgons.

Most importantly, this episode gave us the triumphant return of KAREN WHEELER! HER HAIR LOOKS AMAZING! She is bringing full out bouffant glamour to the Fun Fair and damn if she didn’t have this lewk done at Dolly Parton’s salon in Steel Magnolias. IT IS THAT GOOD. Clearly employing the “higher the hair the closer to god” theory - and not just hair-wise actually because this bish bribed some carnie to stop the ferris wheel at its highest point so that she and her family (at least the part of her family whose whereabouts she knows about) can enjoy some FIREWORKS. KAREN YOU MINX I LOVE YOU! HOW ARE YOU STILL MARRIED TO THIS DUDE IN GOLF PANTS?!

The top of the ferris wheel is also a perfect place to see the incoming demogorgon!! The back of Will’s bowl cut is getting the tingles too. And before Elle can fully explain her trip into Billy’s beach memories, the mind flayer is THERE, y’all, busting through the roof of Hopper’s cabin like it’s straight out of a 50s b-movie. I would like to note that for ONCE Winona’s house isn’t about to get trashed so mazel! #Boringcouple armed themselves with guns and axes but obvs they prove completely useless and the flayer is about to steal Elle away when they make a human chain and are victorious...FOR NOW.

Meanwhile, Dustin and Erica are dealing with a very drugged up Steve and Uma Thurman’s daughter and decide to lay low in a showing of (WHAT ELSE?): Back to the Future! They actually show so much of this movie that I’m assuming the entire wig budget went straight to Robert Zemeckis.

Over in the TDFTHER convertible, Winona’s season 3 wig is looking a damn MESS as is all the side projection of them getting back to Indiana. There’s a lot of bickering between Winona’s season 3 wig and Hopper and finally my beloathed Murray has to meet his gross sex talk quota for the season and tells both of them to just have sex already and then he and the Soviet dude laugh a lot and OMG GET ME OUT OF THIS CONVERTIBLE.

#Boringcouple and the kids smash into a supermarket to get Elle some medical help for the leg that the flayer effed up. I’m not sure why a hospital wasn’t an option but it’s probably so there could be more 80s product placement like Mr. T cereal and a whole actual conversation about New Coke. Nancy’s hair is still VERY depped up. Max seems to have the most medical training from skateboard injuries and fixes Elle up pretty well while the dudes prove completely useless other than finding a treasure trove of fireworks. I guess most importantly, Elle was reunited with her ain’ true love: EGGOS. They hightail it out of there with a ton of fireworks that they definitely won’t (lol jk) use later. Oh and Elle’s blood kind of comes alive and Billy and his shitty wig come back to sniff her out. Gross.

Speaking of gross, Steve and Uma’s daughter left the very confusing (for them) screening of Back to the Future to go stare at the Starcourt ceiling to the point of barfing (which I honestly did not need to see TWICE or at all!) The barf did get the LSD out of their systems so now it’s time for truth talk and LURVE TALK! I really have to hand it to Steve for being completely face beaten and bloody and covered in barf and still having enough swagger to admit to Uma’s daughter that he has feelings for her (despite her 2019 hair) and just when I thought this show was so predictable, Uma’s daughter comes out as a LESBIAN!! What? Okay! To his credit, Steve pivots pretty easily to ally/friend and truly: HE IS THE BEST AND WE DO NOT DESERVE HIM. ALSO PLEASE GET HELP ON YOUR FACE WOUNDS AND YOUR HAIR STILL LOOKS GREAT.

NOR DO WE DESERVE THIS MUCH GLAMOUR TWICE IN ONE EPISODE. Karen Wheeler may look great but damn if she knows where her (or Winona’s season 3 wig’s) kids are. But let’s just enjoy this space ship ride! Also a rando carnie calls Hopper “Magnum” and: sick burn. Also there is a woman dressed up as Uncle Sam at the fun fair and between this drag king realness, Uma’s daughter, that one Jazzercise instructor, and (maybe/probably) Will, I’m so ready to throw a Hawkins Pride Parade. Karen is already wearing rainbow stripes!

Elsewhere at the fun fair, Alexei is having the time of his damn life winning a Woody Woodpecker with the support of 10000 children. Sadly, his joy is cut short when the Terminator dude kills him in cold blood. HARSH. Also Murray chooses to blame himself for not guarding him like he was supposed to and instead buying a corn dog. I AGREE, MURRAY: THIS IS YOUR FAULT PLEASE LEAVE. Then Hopper has a whole sequence with the Terminator dude (and some other rando Soviet baddies) in the funhouse which is the second time this season which felt like a weird homage to US and I guess I need to get Jordan Peele on the horn again about this. Anyway, Hopper gets ANOTHER face beating and so does Cary Elwes from Winona’s (also beat) season 3 wig.

Back at the mall, Steve and company are trying to just slip out with the rest of the movie crowd from Back to the Future but the Soviets are totally onto them and it looks like they’re about to be killed when (AGAIN) Elle saves the day by throwing a Chrysler LeBaron on them. GREAT WORK! Unfortunately, Elle is also receiving a threatening phonecall from a mini demogorgon and the call is coming from: INSIDE HER LEG.

CHAPTER EIGHT: THE BATTLE OF STARCOURT

So this demogorgon situation with Elle’s leg is pretty severe so Will’s brother (again name NOT NECESSARY) prepares for mall surgery based on stuff found at the Panda Express and literally gave her a wooden spoon to bite on as if this was happening during the Revolutionary War. The demogorgon leg removal is not working so as always, Elle just DID IT HERSELF because she may be the only capable person in this mall/town.

Hopper and Winona’s season 3 wig (not looking great) and (UGH) Murray show up and everyone compares notes on how to fix this whole mindflayer situation. Most importantly, Erica outsasses Murray and wins. Steve (rightly) gets the keys to the TDFTHER convertible to take him, Uma’s daughter, Dustin and Erica (now known as Scoops Troop) to Dustin’s radio tower. The rest of the tweens plus #boringcouple (now known as The Griswold Family because sure) are getting sent to Murray’s bunker and can’t they maybe stop and get Elle some medical attention on the way? No matter: they’re not going anywhere because Billy, possessed or not, still knows way too much about cars and stole their damn ignition cable. DAMMIT BILLY.

Steve is driving the Scoops Troop up a damn hill to the radio tower while listening to Jackie Wilson’s Higher and Higher which I’m sure is a Ghostbusters 2 reference and also Uma’s daughter looks exactly like her in the convertible driving part of Kill Bill and honestly all of these pop cultural references are getting tiring. Anyway, from the top of the radio tower, they can see the demogorgon closing in on the mall and Steve and Uma’s daughter hightail it back there.

At the mall, Elle is having some trouble moving that LeBaron to get the ignition cable - she can’t even move a damn coke can. WHAT GIVES? This does beg the question: since she has literally done all the heavy lifting this season, could she maybe call in a favor from her telepathic sister in Chicago? Why did this show even introduce that character - just to check off “punks” on their 80s pop culture list (note: DEFINITELY) But seriously, it’s like when Marvel makes a stand-alone superhero movie after an Avengers movie. SOMEONE GET THAT PUNK CHICK ON THE HORN!!! Anyway, Will gets some back of bowl cut tingles and the damn demogorgon smashes through the roof. Elle, Mike, and Max make a run for it through the gap, where the demogorgon confuses a mannequin wearing Elle’s same clothing and truly: the gap would NEVER sell this graphic eleganza! Did Esprit just not want to be involved in this whole mess because that is where she would have bought that. The rest of the tense gap scene plays out basically exactly like the kitchen scene in Jurassic Park. Meanwhile, #boringcouple is doing boring auto work while Billy just endlessly stalls in his evilmobile but is about to hit them when MVP hair god Steve saves the day and everyone piles into the station wagon. YAY!

Elsewhere, the Terminator dude has made it to the Soviet subbasement where Hooper, Winona’s season 3 wig and (UGH) Murray are now in Soviet apparel. Winona’s season 3 wig (looking great hidden under that hat) and Hopper have a nice talk and make plans for a legit date which definitely won’t be derailed by a demogorgon (lol jk jk). Murray manages to infiltrate the room where all the wires control the nuclear weapon the Soviets are using to open up the Upside Down and why wasn’t this room better guarded? Oh well. Much like sucking at guarding Soviets and not buying corndogs, Murray sucks at remembering important numbers which are the combination for the nuclear keys.

Of course the code is some nerdy equation that requires Dustin to ask fellow nerd (and girlfriend Suzie who exists!) for help. But not before Suzie demands that Dustin sing....The Neverending Story theme song. This is peak 80s cultural reference and we can all go home now. Also it is mainly an excuse for Galen Matarazzo to sing and sure: he and this chick sound great! Now please get those damn keys!

Elle, Max and Mike are confronted with (unfortunately still alive) Billy who beats the shit out of all of them and takes Elle. She’s about to get flayed when Lucas and Will throw all those damn fireworks on the demogorgon. Sure! Elle uses Billy’s memories to reason with him. This show definitely wants us to root for Billy all of a sudden because he turns on the demogorgon but I REFUSE TO LIKE BILLY WITH THAT DRIED OUT WIG IN THIS SWEATY MALL.

Back in the subbasement, Winona’s season 3 wig and Hopper are ready to end this but the Terminator dude shows up. They duke it out very close to a nuclear warhead while Winona’s season 3 wig turns into MacGuyver and uses a belt to try to disarm both keys and bless her. Hopper throws the Terminator into nuclear generator thingie. Byeeeeee. Then Hopper looks back at Winona’s season 3 wig for long enough to definitely make it back into the safe glass room where she is but instead just gives a really long nod, signalling her to disarm the nuclear whatever thing and he definitely (absolutely does not) die.

However, all my hopes and dreams for Billy’s death finally came true! YAY FOR ME AND MY HATRED OF HIS TERRIBLE WIG AND HIS CHARACTER WHICH HAD NO REDEEMING QUALITIES NO MATTER HOW MANY BEACH FLASHBACKS TRIED TO PROVE OTHERWISE. I will say that his exit is VERY METAL so in some ways, this was the only appropriate death for his Metallica and Tank loving character. FINE. Two seconds after he and the demogorgon die, the feds show up with Paul Reiser! I am honestly very mad at this show for not blasting Pat Benatar’s Little Too Late during this entire sequence. OH WELL. Outside the mall Winona’s season 3 wig and Will’s terrible bowl cut wig are reunited in a bad wig hug. Then Winona’s season 3 wig catches sight of Elle and gives her a look that says: I am definitely adopting you.

Three months later, a fake Inside Edition show gets us up to date on the burning of the mall, government coverups, and comeuppance of terrible mayor Cary Elwes. Also Uma’s daughter (now with 80s appropriate updo!) and Steve are trying to get jobs at the video store! Uma’s daughter and her love of Billy Wilder movies make her a shoe-in for the job but Steve's taste in the Ewok Star Wars movie and the 5 minutes he saw of Back To the Future whilst on LSD don’t make him the best candidate. Also he trips over a Phoebe Cates cut-out and truly Phoebe Cates: thank you for your service in being name-checked constantly this season. In the end, Steve’s awesome hair gets him the job. Maybe?

Meanwhile, Winona’s season 3 wig is moving just like she said she was going to this whole season and no one believed her. Also she put her wig back in a ponytail and: good move it looks ok! Elle still doesn’t have her powers back but eh? She does get a heart-tugging letter from beyond the grave (he’s totally still alive) and all the kids/tweens/#boringcouple sob that they are being separated. It isn’t clear where Winona’s season 3 wig is going or how she could have sold her shitty house in the town that fake Inside Edition show called haunted. And yes, separating her now 3 PTSD kids from their only support group is also shitty but what has this goddamned town ever done for Winona and any of her seasons’ wigs other than stealing her children and killing her love interests and trashing that shitty house at least twice?! I SAY GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE (they will fully be back next season).

After collectively sobbing all their faces off, the tweens of Hawkins are left only with the ELEGANZA OF KAREN WHEELER and whatever healthy dinner she’s preparing with the help of some white wine. YOU KIDS ARE STILL LUCKY WHO NEEDS FRIENDS WHEN YOU HAVE KAREN WHEELER! Oh and back in Russia, Hopper is like 110% definitely still alive. See y’all next season!

FINAL VERDICT: DOESN’T WURQ (YOU KNOW IT WAS BILLY’S FAULT)

#wigwurq #doesntwurq #strangerthings #hawkins #UGHBILLY #80sMALLWIGS #KARENWHEELER #EXPLODINGRATS #EXPLODINGRATTAILS #retailtherapy #glamourshots #girlsjustwanttohavefun #mallpower #raincoatfashions #wighumidity

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yellowbellow · 6 years

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The Other Quackson

(Disclaimer! This is a joke/satire Tom Holland and Marvel cast fan fiction! It was all made for the fun and laughs! So please take everything in the fic with a grain of salt! Thank you so much @tshquackson for naming it! Lmao I’m done this is a monster! Hope y’all enjoy the first half! 💦💦😭)

Warning! It includes swearing and smut, but not real smut so calm down thirsties it’s a joke 😩👌🍆

Tom had been coming home from a hard day at a shoot. It was raining and they ran out of quacksons! He was so bloody mad he threw Tessa at the director of the movie and nearly pissed in his suit!

He knew what he wanted though, the second he stepped In and saw y/n on the couch picking her wedgie...he wanted the zoppity on his COCKITY...

As y/n finally picked the wedgie out of her ass, she sighed. Eating some Doritos, she glanced to the side to see Tom putting his bag down. And saying hi to hairy son who also lived there because an anon requested me to include him and I had to write him into the narrative for some reason.

“My darling!” Tom said in a cheer as he jumped on the couch, but broke it a little cause of his thicc ass.

“Omg tom you a-almost b-broke it...” y/n blushed for no reason but in most fanfics your very stuttery and flustered all the time.

“Yeah sorrey about that darlin! Jus’ my thicc ass.” Tom smirked at you as he turned on a loop of Tom Holland interviews. However as you per Tessa, Tom somehow in a matter of seconds became horny, because in thirst fanfics this guy is literally hard all the time.

Y/n made eye contact with Tom before immediately kissing him. “Oh T-tom fuckity...” you whispered as he trailed his fingers to the small of your back. You heard the interviewer ask “Tom is it true you reveal spoilers?” As tom stuck in hand into your panties.

“Join the brothers trust fund!” Hairy son shouted as he passed by to get some crumpets from the pantry.

“Go away Hairy son! I posted the insta vid for brothers trust a few hours ago fuck off mate” tom shouted as he pulled you closer, having your back against hairy son to not reveal what you two were doing, he slowly played with your, your, you know, I don’t wanna get demonetized so I’ll say funky button. You moaned.

“Mmph tom...” you squealed, hairy son pulled his phone and saw the millions of viewers and smiled, going back to his room.

“You’re so beautiful y/n” Tom whispered as he began to stick his fingers in your VAGINA. Bold of you to assume I was gonna say pussy.

Tom’s breath became unsteady and he gently took his hand out of your baby cave. Guiding you to his lap before grinding his COCKITY on your BWUSSY. You keep moaning, feeling in heaven. But you coudlnt hold it in anymore.

“Tom...I’m cheating on you!” You shouted suddenly. The guilt was chocking you. You felt the friction slowly come to a stop, as Tom began to chuckle.

“You trying to kill the mood quackson?” He smiled up at you, poking you nose and thinking it was a joke. Lmao dumbass. Anyway, you swallow, and get off him.

“N-no Tom...I’m not lying....” you say out of fear, hugging yourself, and feeling a bit nauseous.

Tom froze. Surely his quackson was joking, cheating? That’s ridiculous. Guys be proud I’m using big vocabulary words like ridiculous. He began to stutter, like he did at the end of homecoming when tony was like bitch join the avengers look at the suit dawg. “H-eh...h-hah, I-I what?” He was truly speechless.

You felt yourself swallow nervous word vomit as you saw confusion and panic slowly spread itself along Tom’s features. “I-I want you to listen really carefully okay...?” You ask, Tessa on the carpet taking a shiet.

Tom nodded, his curls bouncing a little. This was way too real. He still was processing. “Y-you wait....you..cheated on me?!” He spat out, finally putting the pieces together. A wave of hurt washing over his face, lowkey hoping you cheated on him with someone like the guy who plays Ned cause Tom’s a skinny legend.

“I-I..yes, Tom I did. And I’ve been holding it in for a long time...” You sigh out, tapping your fingers on your thighs.

Swallowing, he coughed a bit. “How long y/n?” He gripped the pillow, feeling his thiccie ass sink into the couch more.

“After the infinity war launch party...”

The launch party. Oh the launch party. Avengers Infinity War had just been released world wide! It was nighttime, in California. Everyone dressed up. You recalled several memories, like Tom helping you put on a diamond necklace he had bought you, and trailing kisses. To being let in my security, locking arms with Tom. It was loud, glancing to the side, you see Chris Pratt and Hemsworth body slamming each other about who’s the better Chris. To your right you see Hairy Son; he always snuck into shit. Literally all the time. Going from person to person, and screaming about brothers trust fund. Tom kissed your cheeks.

“There’s a huge table full of quacksons! I’m off darlin!” He smiled before naruto running to the table and stuffing quacksons into his mouth. You felt someone in front of you, looking up, you meet someone’s eyes.

“Y/n! What a pleasure to see you!”

To be continued 🥐👌😩

WOW YOU MADE IT! HORRIBLE HUH?! YEAH LMAO IM CHAUFUDUDU SO SORRY SHDJDJ

(Thank you to all my friends @tshquackson @thothollandd @hollandandi @spideyjlaw @spideyboyx @pinkmarvel @amxliapond @headinthebox HOES TELLING ME TO POST IT )

#i hate myself #marvel #tom x reader #fuck all my fRIENDS FOR THIS IM CRYING #satire #joke #joke fic #tom holland #marvel fanfiction #tom holland fan fiction #tom holland x you #tom holland x y/n #tom holland x reader #tom holland imagine #marvel imagine #LMAOAOAOSJDJDJD

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homeiswherethestuckis · 6 years

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Hey, It Pays the Rent (Part 1/3) Enemies

@notedchampagne happy early birthday!!!! :D To celebrate your birthiversary I thought it would be cool to try and write you a three part roommates/ enemies to friends to lovers fic! The next two parts should hopefully be done pretty quick. Anyway, happy birthday, I hope you like the first installment of your present!!!!

(Part 2/3) Friends

(Part 3/3) Lovers

“Are you sure you don’t know a single person in need of a place to stay? At least for a couple months?” You ask John again as you grab your coffee off the counter and follow him to a table.

“No, Dave.” He rolls his eyes as he plops down in a chair. “I’ve asked around and there’s no one right now. Why weren’t you looking during the beginning of the semester? People were jumping for a chance to get a room, then.”

You slump into the seat across from him and groan. “I didn’t need a roommate then. I had my financial situation all under control-”

John snorts. You shoot a glare at him and kick him under the table.

“I had it all under control,” you repeat, “but then my bastard landlord raised the rent like the roof was on fire or some shit and now I’m swimming in debts while just trying to keep my head about water. Because let me tell you one thing, John, I refuse to be fully submerged. I mean sure, I can hold my breath like a son of a bitch and I float like a corpse, but I can’t have my head below the water. That’d totally ruin my hair. Not to mention my shades, which are totally irreplaceable.”

“I know, I bought them for you.”

“So you get my problem now?”

“That you need swimming lessons?”

“John, what the fuck?” You frown at him and take a sip of your drink. “You knew what I meant.”

He grins and holds his hands up to you. “I know, I know.” He blows on his coffee to cool it off a little before taking a drink. Then he gets serious. “Money’s been tight for you right now, and that really sucks. But you keep refusing my help every time I offer, and honestly I don’t know what else I can do.”

John’s been helping you out financially as much as he can, taking you out for food whenever he can, loaning you some money when your funds are way too low to even matter, and just generally being a chill presence in your life. You really appreciate it, but if you’re being honest you’re also a little ashamed that you have to borrow your friend’s money so often. You were certain you were going to be able to live by yourself and be completely independent. Right now you’re just a leash sucking cash blood out of John’s big money jugular.

The worst part is, you know if John ever told his Dad about your trouble right now, you’d have a sudden large endowment in your bank account courtesy of Crocker Corp. You’re certain the only reason that hasn’t happened yet is because you begged John to keep this all on the down low. You told him that it would’ve made you feel like a charity case. As if borrowing money from John is any better.

God, you feel like an asshole.

Which is why you need a roommate to split the burden with, fast.

“Are you describing it as the dope crash pad it is, or are you downplaying its awesome glory for mass appeal? Because that might have an effect on why people aren’t exactly lining up to rub elbow room with the Dave Strider.”

“You’re right, I’ve probably been downplaying it.” He nods in agreement. “Shit! I forgot to name drop you!”

He bangs his fist on the table like he’s disappointed in himself. You roll your eyes, you know a sarcastic move when you see one.

“Well, remember to do that next time.” Your chair scrapes across the floor as you stand up. “I gotta go, I have some posters to put up before I head off to work. Keep me posted if anyone gets interested.”

“Will do.” He gives you a quick thumbs up. “Have a good time at work.”

You laugh as you leave the cafe. “John, that’s not a thing.”

Work, as always, is exhausting as hell. Who would’ve thought working at a gas station could take so much out of you? You never feel like you do shit, but at the end of the day you can barely make yourself walk home.

Somehow, you manage to make it all the way home to your shitty (but just not shitty enough for you to be able to afford by yourself) apartment and collapse on your awful thrift store couch. You don’t bother turning on the lights as you kick your shoes off and dig your phone out of your pocket. Not like you need lights to scroll through social media before hitting the sack.

There’s a call from John that you missed. You spend a second weighing the pros and cons of calling him back when you realize he also texted you.

good news! i found some one willing to move in with your sorry butt. they want to set up a meeting with you first to check out the place and discuss room mate stuff with you. get back to me when you can.

You breathe a sigh of relief. Finally, this financial nightmare is over. Or at least, somewhat more financially stable.

“Thanks, dude.” You say into the voice to text function of your phone, “I knew I could count on you. Sunglasses emoji. Send.”

With that taken care of, you drag yourself over to the kitchen and make yourself snack dinner. Which is just. Half a bag of doritos but you’re eating it for dinner. Hey, that’s just how it is, sometimes. You take your snack dinner back to to the couch and turn on some cartoons to help you chill for a bit. A couple hours of brain mushing tv and phone scrolling, you decide to call it a night and go to bed.

The meeting between you and your potential mystery roommate is set up for Saturday, because the three of you all happen to be free on Saturday.

That’s right.

The three of you.

Because for some reason John wanted to come and chaperone your meeting. As if you couldn’t act like a semiprofessional for five fucking minutes. But as much as you told John this, he insisted on coming. He even offered to buy drinks for you and his pal, because he figured the two of you owing him a seven whole dollars and some change would be enough for you to let him stay. And, well, he was right.

All of John’s talk about being present and telling you to keep the conversation as civil as possible, and to really seriously consider the position you’re in right now before you make any decisions really has you wondering just what kind of person he’s expecting you to meet with. You’re usually cordial as one of those old dudes who sits on his porch on a scorching hot day and offers some of his fresh squeezed lemonade to all the dehydrated street folks. Of course, nobody accepts it because stranger danger, the street folks aren’t total idiots, but they get that you were being nice and they appreciate the gesture to parch their throats with your suspicious lemonade. How do they even know if you washed your hands? They don’t, they’d just have to take your word for it, which they won’t, because you’re a senile dirty old dude, but you’re definitely fucking cordial. That is the very essence of your being. The lemony, lemony essence.

You think John’s probably overreacting. You’re chill with pretty much everyone you meet, or at the very least you can keep your distaste in check for long enough to get them to agree to live with you. There’s really only one person (aside from Asshole Whom You’ll Never Speak of Again) who’s ever pissed you off to the point you can’t even pretend to be nice to him over his stream of bullshit.

Of course, there’s no way John invited Doucheface McSpazzatron here to room with you. That guy’s all the way across the country, thank fuck. You can rest assured it’s not him.

But that still leaves....the possibility that John knows someone so fucking similar to that guy that he thinks it’s going to be a problem for you. That’s a worrying thought in and of itself.

You’re not looking forward to this meeting.

You sigh and brace yourself for the worst as you push open the cafe door. You go up to the counter, order a dink, and ask them to put it on John’s tab. Once it’s delivered to you and slowly burning your hands, you start scanning the room for any signs of John and his friend. You arrived a little late, so no way they aren’t here already.

Eventually, you spot John’s face through the Saturday morning coffee crowd. There he is, smiling and laughing at whatever the mystery person said. From where you’re standing, you can only see the other person’s back. You can’t tell if you know them from here, all you really know for sure is that they’re wearing a hoodie with the hood pulled up. You drink some of your coffee, shrug to yourself, and start walking over. You’re going to have to talk to them eventually, and who knows, maybe they won’t be completely terrible. Lord knows they can’t be as bad as that fuckbag-

“Karkat?”

You’re frozen in place in complete disbelief. What the fuck’s he doing here? He’s supposed to be at school halfway across the country!

He screws his face up into a scowl that you are more than familiar with. “Dave.”

Your shock at seeing him here melted the moment you had his voice grating at your ears, and suddenly you can move again. You pull your chair out and sit down, angling it far away from the table so you’re as far away from him as you can be without making it too obvious. You fix a glare at him. Now you can focus on the more important things, like what the fuck he’s even doing back here so soon.

And just what the fuck is on his face?

“You’re not going near my place til you fucking shave.” You say pointedly, gesturing to horrible patch of hair on his chin. “I don’t need you shedding all over the carpet and anyway I’m not allowed to have a pet.”

“You think I like this?” Karkat holds a hand under his chin to frame his scruffy soul patch. “Any part of this? I despise having this fucking scrub brush uselessly attached to my face all the time? Do you think I don’t know how much this makes me look like a douche?”

“Look like?” You snort as you take out your phone and snap a quick pic of Karkat’s agitated face.

He snarls at you and gives you the finger. “I would shear this shit right off in a bloodpush thump, but my cheap ass fucking razor broke and now I’m trapped with this piece of steel wool on my chin. And you know what? It’s just the moldy icing on my shit cake right now! Because now, I have to beg you with this to let me squat in your tiny loadgaper of a home for awhile under the threat of being hiveless! If I live long enough the become ancient and decrepit, I don’t think I’ll ever experience a moment lower than this one.”

John laughs. “Karkat, you could’ve just asked to borrow a razor.”

“Hiveless, you say?” Interesting. “You serious?”

“Yes.” He sighs and covers his face with one of his hands. The other is wrapped around his cup of coffee. “I’m completely serious. Why else would I even fucking be here if I wasn’t under some dire shitty circumstances?”

“I see.” You nod. “So you came to me in your time of need.”

He levels a glare at you. “It’s not like a wanted to. I’m all out of options.”

“Of course you are.” You take a contemplative sip of your drink, savoring both the flavor and this perfect situation you’ve stumbled upon. Well, perfect fo you. Obviously it sucks for Karkat. You’re not very sympathetic, though, since you’re not his biggest fan. “I guess that means this shit’s all settled, then.”

“So you and Karkat are gonna be roommates, now?” John asks. He sounds relieved, like he wasn’t expecting it to go this well.

“Not so fast!” You hold up your hand to him. “Before I give our homeless buddy here the grand tour and allow him the privilege of living with me-”

Karkat snorts into his drink.

“-there’s one thing I need to hear first.”

John tilts his head. “One thing you need to hear?”

“Yeah.” You smirk and nudge Karkat with your leg. “You know what it is.”

Karkat looks confused, like he’s not sure what you’re talking about. He and John exchange a look. You don’t give him any hints.

You see it in his eyes as the realization strikes him. He sips his coffee and frowns. “You abominable fucking nerd.”

You shake your head. “That’s not it, and you know it.”

He groans and hangs his head, and you can feel the giant shit eating grin spread over your face. “Help me, Dave Strider, you’re my only hope.”

“You’re damn right, I am.” You polish off the remains of your drink in one gulp. “Let’s go.”

You take Karkat to check your place out. He walks around inspecting everything, kicking your shit around and telling you how much of a disgusting fucking sty your apartment is. Have you ever heard of a vacuum, Dave? Or do you like wallowing in your filth like a fat nasty oinkbeast? Blah blah blah ad nauseum. John came with you, too. Again, just to make sure neither of you do anything stupid, like say no to living together, in the heat of your mutual distaste for each other.

God, you’re going to fucking hate living with Karkat. He’s probably the worst roommate ever. But you’re out of options, and apparently so is he.

Karkat walks over to you. “Okay,” he kicks a piece of trash you haven’t bothered to pick up yet, “as much as the thought fills my throat with hot bile, I’ll do it. I’ll room with you.”

He holds out his hand. You shake it. “Great. I’ll go get the lease so you can sign it. After you kill that rat on your face and toss it out.”

He covers his soul patch with his hand defensively. “Fuck you, I don’t have a razor!”

“Get one!”

“I’ll get one after you let me sign the lease!” Your grips are still locked in a handshake. Karkat’s squeezing your hand tightly.

You squeeze back. “You’re not putting your John Hancock on shit til your face doesn’t make me gag.”

“Joke’s on you, asshole! My face always makes you gag!” He sticks his face really close to yours. So close your noses are almost touching. “Look me in the bulb and say it fucking doesn’t! I dare you!”

“Get your greasy hairball of a face away from me!”

“Or what?” You can smell his breath as he eggs you on. It’s hot and a little sour. “What are you gonna do?”

“Move it or I’m gonna lick you!” You consider shoving him, but you resist the urge. “Don’t test me, dude, I’ll stick my god damn tongue in your ear, I swear I will.”

“Do it, pussy! I fucking dare you!” Karkat turns his head so his ear is directly in your face.

Your tongue is out of your mouth and going straight for his dirty ass ear before you can even consider what you’re really doing. You literally told him not to test you a second ago, and then he did it anyway! Dammit, you threatened to do it, and now you gotta follow through. You gotta! You’re nothing if not a man of your word.

“Hey!”

An arm slams between the two of you before you can fulfill your promise of delivering the wettest of willies straight from the source. John squeezes his way between you and Karkat, acting as a barrier to separate you.

“Dave, go talk to your landlord about the lease. I’ll take Karkat back over to my place to get his stuff and shave and we’ll come back later. Does that work for you?”

Fuck, you hate how riled up Karkat makes you. More than that, you hate that John always has to step in and intervene. How the fuck did he become the voice of reason?

You breathe deeply. “Yeah, that works for me.”

“Alright,” John nods and turns to Karkat, “what about you?”

Karkat huffs and rolls his eyes. “Of course that works for me, why the fuck wouldn’t it? I already went on a tirade about how I hate this unruly fuzz always scratching at my chin in the most hellishly uncomfortable way imaginable. Do you really think I’d change my tune just because Dave has an iota of common sense concerning facial hair? Shit, I know I’m petty, but I’m not that petty!”

You raise an eyebrow and open your mouth to disagree, but John shoots you a look that makes you close it again. Whatever you were going to say is really not necessary. Besides, you’ll have plenty of time to get into stupid arguments with Karkat for no apparent reason once you’re living together.

Fuck, you’re going to be living together.

“Okay, so that settles it!” John wraps an arm around Karkat’s shoulders and starts leading him towards the door. “Hey, we should go out for dinner to celebrate tonight! My treat.”

Before you can tell him that’s not necessary -John’s already been doing a lot for you- he drags Karkat out and closes the door. You’re left alone in your apartment.

You flop face first onto the couch and groan into it. You’re going to have to savor these fleeting moments while they last. Soon it won’t just be your apartment. You won’t be able to relax like this anymore.

You’re going to have to deal with Karkat on a daily basis. This is going to be hell.

You flip over and stare up at the ceiling, letting out another loud groan.

But..for the sake of the rent, you think you can deal with Karkat and his bullshit.

Yeah. Doesn’t sound too hard. You got this.

Holy shit, no amount of money is worth this.

Your schedules are different enough that you barely see Karkat most of the time, but when you do see him, it makes you feel like he took a steaming, liquidy shit all over your good day.

Karkat is taking some online courses, which you wouldn’t give even half a turd about under normal circumstances. The problem is that he does his homework in the living room with the tv on at full volume. Again, this wouldn’t be much of a problem, either.

Except he doesn’t let you watch anything when he’s doing his homework. You once tried to take the remote and he hissed at you. He fucking hissed. As if he hasn’t already seen When Harry Met Sally fifty times already. But no, its always his dumb fucking romantic troll sap, 24/7 and 360 fucking 5 forever and always. Or at least until Karkat’s finished doing shit. But really, in the moment those feel like the same thing.

Leaving the room doesn’t help much. Usually you can still hear it through your door.

If he’s not laying claim over the couch and tv, he’s cleaning something. That actually came as a pleasant surprise at first. You’re not exactly big on cleaning, so it was refreshing to come home to a clean house. The problem isn’t the apartment being clean, obviously, the problem is how Karkat goes about doing it.

Karkat’s cleaning pattern is as unpredictable and erratic as a chihuahua tornado. He’ll start a load of dishes, then stop in the middle to vacuum the living room carpet, and then take a break to clean the bathroom sink. All the while complaining about the disgusting state of the apartment. Granted, his complaints about the apartment being gross die down once he starts regularly cleaning any shit he can get his grubby hands on.

Given what he does instead now, you kind of miss the complaints. Now he runs around the apartment cleaning and singing at the top of his lungs.

If you can call it singing.

It’s more like...screaming?

Yeah, it’s definitely screaming. It really makes you wonder just how ear splittingly loud his music must be if he thinks it’s okay to fucking belt out the lyrics to every song in The Killers discography like a sandpaper throated banshee.

The only good that comes from that is that you know which room he’s in at all times and you can avoid him better.

Mundane and everyday tasks are annoying as hell now. You can’t even buy goddamn groceries without it being a huge federal case. You want your cheap ass snacks, but Karkat always demands getting troll food, too. Also a thing that shouldn’t be a big deal, except that troll cuisine is more expensive than human food because even with the high concentration of trolls on the planet, it’s still technically a delicacy. On top of that, Karkat wants to make sure you get the right kind of food and not the awful but equally as expensive stuff stocked at your local grocer. So instead you gotta buy your groceries (which Karkat will inevitably also eat because that’s how this arrangement works, you share snacks) and then you have to go home, put those away, and then take a bus to the next town over so Karkat can hit up the Authentic Troll Food Store, which is hella expensive because everything there is imported straight from Alternia. It’s a hassle and you get absolutely jack shit out of it because your uncultured ass can’t stand the taste of troll garbage slime chow.

Then, of course, there’s John.

Karkat always seems to be near John. Texting him, calling him. Hanging out in his dorm. Having dinner at Mr. Egbert’s place with him. Tagging along whenever you go chill with him.

Fuck, it’s like you’re fourteen all over again.

You fucking hate it.

The summer before you started high school, Karkat moved into town. And for that whole year, he was always hanging around John. He was like a pimple on your ass that was agonizingly annoying, but every time you popped it it just came back worse, bigger and more filled with puss than the last time. You couldn’t get John alone for a second, it was awful. Karkat was taking up all his time and there was nothing you could do about it without looking like an even bigger asshole than him.

That whole year was torture. Thinking back on it, only half of it was really Karkat’s fault. It took you years to come to terms with the fact that you’d had a crush on John and were jealous of how much of his attention Karkat was taking up. The other half just wanted to hang out with your best friend without the addition of some angry, loud troll kid who was obviously crushing hard on him.

Yeah, Karkat had had a crush on John, and it was...not subtle.

There was a blessed summer without Karkat right before your junior year. It was a good season for you. You only saw him once over that whole three month period. You remember it pretty well. You and John were going to get some matches from the gas station (the one you’re currently working at) to light off some fireworks when you saw Karkat on his way out. Karkat froze like a deer caught in headlights and he dropped his slushie. John said hi, and then Karkat ran. Neither of you had gone after him.

When school started back up again, everything went back to normal, save for the fact that Karkat wasn’t clinging to John anymore.

But here you are, right back where you started. You’ve come full circle once again.

Karkat is hanging around John and taking up all of his spare time like a fucking attention leech again. And just like before, you’re more jealous than you’d care to admit.

The only difference is this time you’re not jealous because you have a repressed crush on John. It’s all because you just want to spend time with your friend without Karkat.

After a month of all this bullshit piling up, your last straw finally snaps under its weight.

You come home after a long day of work to a dark apartment. You just want to collapse on the couch, but you can see as you toe off your shoes by the door that you’re not gonna be able to do that. One of Karkat’s movies is on. The tv is so bright in the pitch black that you don’t even notice Karkat’s laptop is open on the coffee table until you walk by the couch on the way to your room.

But it is open.

And on it is John’s face. His mouth is moving, but you can’t hear a word he’s saying. You can tell he sees you, though, because he waves.

Karkat turns his head. His glare is illuminated from the soft glow of both screens. Clearly his disapproves of you interrupting his facetime with John.

But you know what? Fuck that. Fuck him.

You walk around the couch and over to the other side of the coffee table. You stand tall over Karkat, leveling your own steely gaze at him as you slam his laptop closed with one hand.

He sneers at you. “What the fuck was that for?”

“This shit has to stop.”

“Oh? And just what shit are you talking about?” He inquires with disinterest. Clearly he doesn’t give a damn about what your reasons are. “Enlighten me.”

You can’t contain it anymore, not for all the rent money in the world.

You explode and enlighten him.

“All of this bullshit with John!” You yell at him in an attempt to get it through his thick skull. “Stop demanding his attention all the time! He has more important shit to do than waste his time talking to your thirsty, pining ass all day, dude. Jesus, just tell him you have a crush on him already and get it over with!”

“A crush?” Karkat tilts his head to the side, and you think you can see a hint of a smile on his face. “On John?”

He snorts.

“Dave, really? You think I have a crush on John?” He’s outright laughing now. What the fuck? “I haven’t had a crush of any sort on that idiot since I was seven sweeps.”

It occurs to you that this might be the first time you’ve ever made Karkat laugh. Somehow that makes this whole confrontation worse for you.

“Then how the hell do you explain all your weird ass behavior lately, hm?” You press on, undeterred by Karkat’s claim. “You’ve been following John around like a lovestruck puppy nursed back to health from the brink of death on his chiseled bosom. Don’t deny it, we both know this shit isn’t normal.”

He raises an eyebrow. “Why the fuck does it matter so much to you?”

“I just want to know why you’re being so fucking clingy with John all of a sudden!” You admit. “Ever since you moved back here, you’ve been acting weird and sticking to John just like when we were kids and if it’s not because you’re into him well….then I can’t think of a reason why you’d be like this.”

“You really want to know?” He says it as if it’s a challenge. He gets up off the couch and leans in closer to you over the coffee table. He’s still sneering at you. His teeth look dead and sharp in the tv’s light. “Do you really want to fucking know?”

You’re not backing down. “Yes.”

He slams his hand against the table. “I’m fucking lonely, you maggot brained shithead!”

Karkat huffs and falls back onto the couch. He’s glaring up at you, waiting for you to say something.

You’re still processing.

That….was not what you were expecting him to say.

“You’re fucking what?”

Wow, that wasn’t the stupidest thing you could’ve said, you fucking moron.

He crosses his arms over his chest. “You heard me.”

“Okay,” you nod, “do...you need to talk about that?”

Did you just offer to listen to Karkat complain? Did you actually volunteer for that? What the fuck is wrong with you?

Karkat looks just as surprised by your question as you are. “I don’t think I’d...hate talking about it?”

Neither of you seem to know where to go from here. Do you wait for him to start talking? Do you take a seat beside him on the couch? Do you write shit down like a therapist might? Should you get Rose on the line instead, since she’s a good listener?

You end up walking around the table and taking a seat on the couch. In terms of couch distance, you’re far away from him. You wait patiently for him to start talking.

“I uh…” He takes a deep breath. “I wanted to be independent when I left for school. I didn’t want to have to rely on anybody for shit, which is why I decided to go so far away in the first place. I even managed to get a single room when I got there. For the first few weeks, everything was fine-”

Everything was not fine.

The first few weeks weren’t fine, they were hectic. You were lost in figuring out your class schedule and what was expected of you in those classes. But once you knew what was up, things were a lot less fine and a lot more shitty than they initially appeared.

You did your homework, you studied, you wrote essays. You did all the educational fuckery you needed to do to ensure you didn’t fail any of your classes. You didn’t have a lot of time to spare with all this studious shit, but it was enough time to make you wish you had someone else to spend time with.

In your core, you’re a social being. You crave interaction, but because of a certain situation you’re not comfortable discussing, you have a hard time bringing yourself to even talk to people enough to make a real acquaintance. Out of fear of discovery, you withdrew into yourself.

You didn’t go to any social events, nor were you fucking invited to any in the first place. You ate lunch alone, when you ate lunch at all. You had a difficult time getting any studying done in groups of people, so you didn’t even try. And since you had a single room, you didn’t even have a dorm mate to fall back on for interaction.

You had so many friends at home that you’ve known for sweeps, you forgot how hard it was to make them in the first place. How insanely hard it was for you to actually trust anyone enough to spend time with them.

Two months into school, you missed your home and your friends more than you ever though possible. You were starved for a nice conversation, for some contact, for anything really. Even though you were still in touch with your friends, it wasn’t the same. Somehow all the texting and phone calls and video chatting made you feel worse.

The stress piling up from all of the homework didn’t help you at all. At first the homework distracted you from your lack of a social life, and then it all consumed your life. Sometimes it was so overwhelming you couldn’t function anymore.

You hate to admit this, but you cried yourself to sleep more than once during your time there.

Everything was horrible and it was shit and you were completely aware of that. But what were you going to do? Admit your failure? Give up on school and come back home? Of course not! You could get through the whole year, you were strong enough for at least that!

But then you saw a picture of Kanaya with Rose and some of their other friends. Kanaya came down from school to spend the weekend with everybody because she lived close enough to do that. There was your best friend, hanging out with her friends and girlfriend and having a fun time. And here you were, all alone in your dorm room across the country.

That’s what decided it for you.

You talked to the appropriate people about leaving school and transferring to the local college back home. You decided to finish off the rest of the year on your first school’s online program and then start at the new one. You told John you were coming back, and he offered to let you stay at his house for a bit, and you immediately took the offer. You didn’t actually have a plan for where you were going to stay once you came back, so it was appreciated. After finals ended, you took a plane and a bus back home. And now you’re here.

“I came back because I missed everybody, but they’re all busy with school and work and other life shit.” Karkat shrugs. “I’ve been spending time with John because he’s available.”

He lapses into silence. Are you supposed to say something now?

“It...sounds like you had a real shitty time.”

He snorts again. “I’ll say.”

And that’s the end of everything you thought of to say.

You understand missing friends a lot. All of your friends are extremely important to you, and you can’t imagine your life without them. Well, you can, but it’s incredibly shitty. You don’t know how to tell Karkat that he has your sympathy on this front without sounding like you’re pitying him. You don’t know what else you can say.

Karkat must realize it, too. He stands up and grabs his laptop off the table. “I’m going to my block now.”

He starts walking away. Fuck, you feel like you still need to say something, but what? What the hell else do you have to offer?

Shit, he’s already opening his bedroom door. You need to say something! Anything! Just fucking open your mouth!

“Hey,” He turns his head. Hell yeah, nailed it. You said some words. “I just realized no one threw you a welcome back party. We should...fix that? Next weekend?”

You can’t read his face because the hallway’s too dark. “Yeah, okay. Next weekend.”

The party happens sooner than you anticipated it would. It feels like you blinked and the week finished. You still can’t believe that you spent all this time planning a party for a guy you don’t even like at all.

Karkat’s been less insufferable than usual. It’s a pleasant change to the bad month that came before that.

You invite everyone you can think of over to the apartment on Saturday afternoon. They all RSVP, and some people (Rose) question your act of kindness towards Karkat. You let Rose know you’re just as lost about it as she is.

Honestly, outside of inviting people over, you really didn’t do much planning. You don’t think Karkat’s going to care at all, though. He doesn’t give a shit about the actual party, he just wants people over.

That becomes evident when the guests start arriving.

Rose comes first, bearing a bundt cake and an interest in analyzing your relationship with your roommate. No amount of Lalondian analysis in the world could have prepared either of you for the hug she got from Karkat.

“Hello, Karkat.” Her voice betrays her surprise and she gives him an awkward pat on the back with her free hand. “Book club hasn’t been the same without you.”

“I’m glad you came, Rose!” He breaks away from her reluctantly and takes the cake away from her. “You got any new shit for me to read? I’ve been waiting for an update.”

“Yeah, yeah I do. Just give me a moment to find where you were.” Rose pulls her phone out of her jacket and starts scrolling through it.

Karkat and Rose sit together on the couch and you watch as she passes him her phone. You’re hanging out in the kitchen and ordering pizza while you wait for everybody else.

It doesn’t take long for more people to show up. Karkat hugs each and every person who walks through the door. Everyone seems just as shocked by this experience as you and Rose were.

About twenty minutes in everyone is chilling in the living room. At this point you’re just waiting on pizza and the final guest. You wonder if she’ll show up before the pizza.

There’s a knock on the door, followed by someone walking in. Yep, she got here first.

Karkat’s eyes light up. “Kanaya!”

She smiles. “Sorry I’m late.”

She doesn’t get any more words out before Karkat runs over to the door and hugs her so tightly he lifts her off the floor.

You didn’t really have anything planned, so you set up a game of Uno with your special Star Wars Uno cards that you know Karkat claims he hates. He only says that because he’s never fucking seen any of them, that uncultured swine.

You get a couple rounds in before the pizza comes, and once that’s here you can’t really play Uno anymore. You switch to watching tv instead, just for background noise while you all talk.

It’s been awhile since you’ve all gotten together, and it’s so amazing to be surrounded by your friends you wonder why you don’t do this more often.

Karkat is sitting on the floor between Kanaya and John. You’re not sure what they’re talking about, but you know this is the happiest you’ve ever seen him.

Seeing him smile this much is a little surreal. Hopefully it’s something you’ll get used to.

The party lasts late into the night, but eventually people begin to leave. Karkat walks all of them to the door and hugs them again as they exit. After a long debate about whether they should spend the night or not, Rose and Kanaya also take their leave. The door closes behind them, and it’s just you, Karkat, and your post-party messy apartment.

The atmosphere in the apartment feels a little awkward to you. You clear your throat to clear the silence. Karkat is still staring at the closed door.

“So, uh…” you don’t really have anything say right now, “I didn’t know you were such a hugger, Karkat.”

You shouldn’t be surprised by what happens after that, but it still catches you off guard.

He hugs you.

His arms are warm and they’re wrapped tightly around you. His face is buried in your sweatshirt.

It’s….nice. Soft. A comforting embrace that you never expected to get from someone like Karkat.

You’d hug back, but Karkat’s pinned your arms to your sides.

“Thanks for this, Dave.” His voice is muffled by your shirt.

You shrug in the most casual way possible. “Don’t mention it.”

“No, shut the fuck up! Let me thank you, I needed this more than I thought I did.”

“Okay, okay, fine.” You roll your eyes, but you also smile because you know Karkat can’t see it right now. “You’re welcome, you owe me now.”

“You don’t have to come with me to Troll Foods anymore.”

“Oh, sweet! I hate that place. But I was thinking more along the lines of making you marathon Star Wars with me.”

“Really, Dave?” He groans into your shirt. “Star Wars? Why the fuck are you so obsessed with that series? It’s not even an accurate portrayal of alien life and space travel.”

“Uh, of course it’s not, it’s called fiction, jackass. Read a fucking book.” You retort. “Besides, Star Wars is the best and I refuse to be friends with someone who hasn’t seen Star Wars.”

Karkat pulls away from you. “Did you just call me your friend?”

“Jesus, maybe I should’ve stuck my tongue in your ear, that probably would’ve cleaned all the gunk out.” You smirk. “I said you have to watch Star Wars first.”

“And then you’ll think of me as your friend?” Karkat asks, raising an eyebrow suspiciously.

You nod. “Oh, yeah, dude.”

“Okay, fine.” He sighs. “I’ll watch your dumb space trilogy.”

“Cool.” You run over to your room. “You’re gonna love the shit outta them, I swear.”

What Karkat doesn’t know is that you just lied to his face. You don’t actually have a Star Wars prerequisite, you just wanted to make him watch them.

You already think of Karkat as your friend.

#dave strider #karkat vantas #davekat #roommates #enemies to friends to lovers #multichapter #I'm also gonna put it on ao3 because of the whole multiple chapters part #collegestuck sorta #john egbert #happy soon birthday Sam!!!! :D #I hope you like this so far!#I hope you have a fantastic birthday week you deserve it you're the best #yo it's a fic and I wrote it

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cantolopejeevas · 5 years

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Midnight Snack Run

@ask-thehappykids and I talked a little bit about a few of our babes earlier, and I felt compelled to write a casual little fic based of the conversation, so here it is! Just a simple little story about getting chips~

“Where exactly are we…?”

Xania held out her hand to help Lorna down from Lucky’s back. “We are at one of the establishments Firefly mentioned. A grocery store, I believe. ” Once Lorna was safely on the ground, she turned her eyes to Firefly, who was still seated on her wondrous beast. “This is where we would get supplies, no?”

He didn’t respond. His head was cocked a little too far to the side, and Xania could tell that he wasn’t in this realm at the moment.

“Firefly? Hello?”

He blinked several times, then turned his head in her direction. “I’m sorry, were you saying something?”

“Are you summons being loud tonight?” she asked, making sure her deep voice carried even more than usual.

“Yeah, sorry.” A sheepish smile crossed his face. “You know how it is.”

“Oh, no need to apologize. Here, take my hand, I’ll help you down and we can get going. Try to focus on my voice while we’re here, that might help you a bit.”

“Ah, thanks.”

His hands reached out, and with a little verbal guidance, were able to grab hers after a few seconds. Once his feet were on the ground, Xania gave him a reassuring pat on the shoulder, to which he returned with an eased smile.

“Are you sure this store is open…?” Lorna asked as she almost latched onto Xania’s arm. “It’s pretty late…”

“There’s a sign out front that says ‘open twenty-four hours’,” she answered confidently, her free arm hooking around Firefly’s as she took the lead toward the doors. “I’m quite sure they’re open. And if they aren’t, we can ask politely to shop, if there’s anyone inside.”

Thankfully, her back-up plan was quite unnecessary. The three of them stepped inside the the world of bleach-white lighting and soft music playing from the ether, where no one made any move to stop them. Xania blinked her eyes several times, for once grateful that she didn’t make it a habit of having them all open.

“This is quite the place,” she said as she took a gander at what was ahead. There were signs hanging above, and she assumed they were for what lied in the different aisles. “Firefly, what section are we looking for?”

“Um… Is there one for chips?”

Her eyes quickly honed in on the answer.

“Yes! They’re right this way.”

Even with her excitement, she made sure Lorna and Firefly weren’t pulled along too harshly. Then, within the confines of the food-lined walls, she relinquished her hold and waved her arms forward as she ushered, “Go find whatever you both like! I have the funds for it all, so don’t be shy.”

Lorna looked a bit hesitant. She slipped her thumbs under the straps of her overalls and slid them down while she quietly asked, “Are you sure?”

“Of course,” Xania replied with a gentle hand to her back. “This is specifically what I saved up for, so try not to worry about it.”

That shy little smile warmed her heart, and Lorna easily set off with Firefly to gather what they both wanted. Meanwhile, she began to peruse at a slow, meandering pace, one ear kept out in case someone needed help identifying something. Of course, it wasn’t too long before she heard a tentative voice call out to her.

“Um… What does this say…?”

“Salt and vinegar, my dear.”

Firefly spoke out just a beat after that, “And what’s this?”

“That’s a pretty color…”

“Doh-rih-tos? I’ve never seen that word before, how odd.”

A gentle laugh. “Doritos, Xania.”

“Oh!” She let out a laugh of her own, one that nearly over took Lorna’s gentle giggle. “My bad. There are so many exotic words here, it’s quite strange!”

“You’ll get used to it here soon, I’m sure.”

“Yeah, you’re real smart, you’ll catch on…”

Her face warmed up in delight. “You two flatter me!”

A gentle lull fell over the three of them, and Xania came across quite the interesting pair of items. Potato chips and some sort of jar with a liquid inside. Dip. Intriguing. She grabbed both items, and when she did, a soft conversation down the aisle caught her ear.

“Firefly…? Are you okay?”

“Hm? Yeah, yeah, sorry. They’re being loud again. I dunno what it is tonight...”

“Well, um… Just try to focus on my voice, okay? Um, I found this brown bag of chips that might be pretty tasty… I don’t know what flavor they are, but…”

The conversation continued from there, and Xania let the content energy from it roll over her like a gentle wave. Nothing else really caught her interest, so when both Firefly and Lorna approached, she eagerly turned to the two of them with a broad grin.

“Did you both get everything you wanted?”

Firefly held a single bag, while Lorna had two in her grasp. They both nodded, with Lorna stealing flustered glances over at Firefly’s bad, and Firefly looking rather reluctant. The hold on his chips was a little too tight.

“Are you sure?” Xania asked carefully. “Firefly, you know you can get more than that, right?”

Red crept up his face as he shrugged with an attempt at a casual smile. “No, I think I’m good. Don’t really need more than this, you know?”

Xania brushed past him to go down the aisle. “Tell me what flavor you want, I’ll be more than happy to grab it for you.”

“Ah, really, you don’t have to-”

“I want to.”

His smile turned more true, and even Lorna’s face changed to match it, her unease melting away as he accepted the offer. Oh, how delightful it was for Xania to see them both like this. Perhaps these little trips needed to be done more often. Of course, deep down she knew it was about the company kept, and not the trip itself. It would be just as easy to make Lorna smile and to put Firefly at ease once they all got home.

That was the plan, after all.

#I really want chips now; pfffft #arin's ocs #oc talk #hearteyes #firefly #lorna #xania #fic

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ladye11e · 6 years

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Deception pt 34

The conflict between the Assassins and the Templars is getting out of hand. Lies, deceit and subterfuge, now you must pick a side...

Tagging @geekgoddess813 @sweet-flash @ermergerd517 @i-wontgivein @imakemyownblog 💕

If anyone else would like a tag, shoot me a dm 😁

Link to the full fic so far is Here.

Jumping up off your sofa and peeking through the spyhole in your door when three heavy bangs came from next door, you gingerly poked your head out into the hallway, and coughed loudly to get the delivery boys attention.

"They're on holiday. I'll sign for it."

Gist had sent the package with excellent timing after you had told him that the old couple next to you had gone away; letting him send you something without it getting trailed back to you. Signing for the expected package quickly and slamming the door shut in the poor delivery boys face, you ripped open the cardboard packet, and tipped its contents out on your counter eagerly.

Carefully picking up the disk; dismissing the thick bind of papers for the moment, you put it in your laptop and grabbed your headphones, drumming your fingers impatiently while you waited for it to load up. A whole month you had been waiting for this. Weeks of sneaking around, late nights and chasing numerous dead ends, but hopefully Gist had helped you find the proof you needed. Picking up the translation transcripts that Shay had done for you when several male Russian voices blared in your ear, you flicked through them quickly, almost dropping them when the person you were looking for appeared on the screen.

"Hello, Daniel. My my, you have been a naughty boy," You chuckled with a wry grin. "Sorry to throw you under the bus like this, but it's either you or me."

You knew there was something, off, about Daniel Cross as soon as you had met him in Russia on your last assignment. He had seemed, cagey, and your spidey sense was going mental every time he visited the new bureau, plus there were the little telltale signs that you used to do when you first started working with the Templars. Dismissing his withdrawal jitters as he was going through rehab for his drug problem, he always had a habit of disappearing whenever Shaun had made a new breakthrough in the security programmes, or had managed to locate a consignment that would stop the Templars from funding their work. Then there was the barrage of questions that seemed innocent at the time; such as when more people were coming over or how well you got on with the Russian assassins, but thinking about it afterwards, there was no reason for it, unless he was up to something. If you hadn't have been doing the same thing, you would never have noticed, but unfortunately for Mr Cross, his luck was about to run out.

Having the perfect scapegoat within your grasp; plus a plan B under your belt in case this didn't work, a wicked grin crept up your face as you came across the translation of what he had just said to a man who was hiding exceptionally well in the shadows.

"Bratstvo ne znayet. Now take me to Vidic."

Jackpot.

Reaching over and grabbing your phone, you keyed in Gists voicemail number that you had committed to memory before your old phone had been taken off you, and hummed softly to yourself while you waited for it to kick in, clearing your throat when it beeped so you didn't sound as excited as you felt at the moment.

"You wonderful men. Thank you ever so much, it's exactly what I wanted. Hopefully, I'll see you soon."

Downloading the video off of the disk and sending it to Altaïr through a dummy (and fingers crossed) untraceable email address, all that you could do now, was wait.

In attempts to keep yourself occupied for however long it would take, you had given your apartment a much needed clean; as you could have made a sculpture out of all the dust that had accumulated, and now had your music turned up full blast while you attempted to catch up on your mountain of overdue paperwork. You were so engrossed in writing up all of the mundane tasks that you had done over the past few weeks, that you didn't notice that your phone was ringing until it nearly vibrated off the table.

Catching it in the nick of time and grabbing the remote so you could turn the music down, you answered the call as nonchalantly as you could when you saw that it was Desmond ringing you.

"Hey, what's up? If you're calling to send me out on another bodyguard errand, forget it."

"(Name)! You're not gonna believe it! I can't believe it! I dunno how, or what happened, but, but, it's great!"

"Woah Woah, Desmond, calm down. What's great? You finally beat Altaïr in a fight or something?" You snickered, knowing full well what he was babbling on about, but decided to entertain him anyway.

"No, it's better than that! You're in the clear! You all are! They found the traitor!"

Sitting back with a beaming smile as he carried on enthusing about how brilliant this news was, you looked at your phone when it beeped in your ear in between Desmond's ramblings, just resisting the urge to burst out laughing when it was a message from Jacob saying he was, 'Freeeeeeeeeeee!!!!'

"(Name), (name), you still there? Aren't you happy?"

"Course I am! Was just waiting for you to take a breath. So who betrayed us then?"

"Oh. Sorry." he chuckled sheepishly. "Dunno who it is, the boss wouldn't tell me. He said he's gonna have to investigate into it more, but you're definitely out of the weeds."

"Thank god for that. Thanks for letting me know, we still on for the gym Sunday?"

"Course, wouldn't miss the opportunity to get my revenge! See you then."

Taking a massive sigh of relief as you hung up and dropped your phone back on the table, you clambered up when your stomach started growling and plodded over to the kitchen, rummaging through your cupboards before settling on a share size bag of chips to munch on while you worked. No sooner had you sat back down your phone buzzed with another message, but figuring it was Jacob yet again you just ignored it, determined to get caught up on your work once and for all.

"Right, where was I... Time log...Time log..." You grumbled to yourself, trying to remember the exact millisecond you had threatened William Johnson's secretary in Starbucks.

Clicking your tongue against the roof of your mouth when your phone went off yet again, you snatched it up with every intention of replying with a lengthy abusive message but instead scrunched up your brow when the texts were from an unknown number. That was soon replaced with a sly smile though when the first message said 'Coffee?' looking around furiously when the second said 'Put down the Doritos and let me in X.'

You about jumped out of your skin when a soft rapping suddenly came from your window, more than slightly bewildered when you opened it and let Shay climb in from the fire escape, all dressed up and carrying a couple of expensive looking bags.

"What you got there Romeo? You didn't need to climb all the way up here, I'm off the hook." You grinned as he planted a kiss on your cheek and scanned your apartment.

"Aye, I know that, the chatters gone crazy. Your entourage are still downstairs, so didn't wanna raise any suspicion just yet. Nice, place you've got here."

Rolling your eyes when you could tell he was being sarcastic, you peeked into one of the bags when he dropped them on the table; pushing them towards you and gesturing for you to take them, but you couldn't see anything apart from tissue paper.

"They're for you love. Go an get changed; we're going out."

"Where?"

Holding the bags to your chest when he picked them back up and handed them to you, then gently guided you to what he assumed was your bedroom, you raised your eyebrow when he just chuckled and ushered you inside, pulling the door to with an alluring wink.

Slightly stunned as you finished doing up your shoes and smoothed out your dress, you adjusted your pathetic excuse for a mirror so you could see most of yourself, and deemed you looked pretty damned good considering you had only spent fifteen minutes getting ready. The dress fit you perfectly, a simple black thing with spaghetti straps and came down to your ankle on one side, with a lace panel running down the other that stopped just above your knee; which meant you had to forego knickers to wear it. Cheeky bugger, you sniggered to yourself as you reemerged from your room.

Barely suppressing your smirk when Shay gave out a low whistle as you struck a pose for him, you stuffed your phone and keys into your bag that you had fished out before taking his hand and clambering back out of the fire escape.

"You going to tell me where we're going yet?" You asked again as you walked through the back streets behind your apartment.

"Always need to know don't ya? C'mon, in ya get."

Your eyes widened when he opened the door to an Audi r8 that was parked a couple of streets away, recognising it immediately from the garage at Templar headquarters as you slid into the front seat.

"Take it you've made up with Haytham then?"

"Yeah. We've had our falling outs before. Nothing as bad as this time mind, but life's too short to hold a grudge like that. Was gonna borrow the Rolls, thought that might've drawn a bit too much attention though."

Thinking he made a good choice as you definitely didn't want to be in that particular car again, you let out a little chuckle and spent the short drive in silence, trying to figure out where the hell you were going by the route he took. You had completely given up by the time he'd parked down some dank alleyway and took your hand to lead you through a side door, taking you through a very busy, and delicious smelling kitchen. A couple of the chefs looked up as you went past, but none seemed fazed in the slightest that you were there; making you slightly on edge that they would be used to people coming in through the back.

Your mouth formed a small 'o when you were finally taken to a small private room upstairs, and you could see out of the patio doors onto the balcony, now knowing that you were in the L'Espalier restaurant right next to Shays hotel.

"What's the occasion?" You asked, barely above a whisper as you took your seat at the candlelit table for two when the waiter pulled the chair out for you.

"Realised that we've never actually been on a date, figured today would be the perfect time to change that." He said simply, but by the look on his face, you could tell that there was something that he wasn't letting on.

"Hmm, I figured you for more of a bowling kind of guy."

Grinning when he just rolled his eyes and chuckled, you opened the menu and pouted when you couldn't read a word of it, promptly snapping it shut much to Shays apparent amusement.

"Ya don't need to worry lass, the owner here's a friend of mine, and it's Templar run. No eyes on us here."

It was only then you realised that you had been looking about and over your shoulder, making a mental note of possible exits and hiding places in the room, smiling sheepishly as you sat back and relaxed slightly.

"Sorry, force of habit."

Even though you had never been to a restaurant this fancy before you were aware of the etiquette, (letting Shay order for you thank god) and using the obscene amount of cutlery from the outside in and so forth, surprisingly enjoying being spoilt like this. Catching up and filling each other on everything that you had missed over the past few weeks after not being able to see each other; nearly spitting your wine across the table when Shay told you that Christopher had managed to electrocute himself mildly the other day, you eventually stopped giggling when your food turned up, which was nothing short of heaven on a plate.

Delicately crafted hors d'oeuvres, followed by a beautiful soufflé that was so light felt like you were eating clouds, delectable meats, vegetables and fruits, every bite so delicious that you wished you had room to eat it all again. You couldn't remember a time when you felt so, content if that was the right word for it. Talking and laughing until your ribs hurt, wined and dined like a queen, and tonight, you weren't an Assassin, nor a Templar spy, just an ordinary girl out on a date with her partner.

Your initial instincts that there was more than one reason for going out tonight were confirmed when the waiter poured two glasses of champagne before retreating to the shadows, narrowing your eyes playfully when Shay took your hand and led you out to the balcony.

"When are we gonna get the chance to do something like this again? Might as well make the most of it, love."

"True. Tonight has been amazing. Thank you," you breathed, placing your glass down on the small table and leaning on the rail as you took in the view.

You never realised Boston could be so serene. Usually, you were too busy running around to notice things like this, and from up here it almost seemed picturesque, not on the verge of becoming a battleground. You closed your eyes as Shay wrapped his arm around your waist and nuzzled into your neck, softly sighing when he placed a soft kiss just below your ear and squeezed you gently.

"(Name)?"

"Hmm?"

Flickering your eyes open when you felt his other arm curl around your front, your heart jumped when you saw a thin silver chain woven around his fingers, a beautiful rectangular pendant dropping in front of you when he opened his palm.

"Happy birthday."

Now you knew why he had gone to so much trouble tonight, you hadn't even noticed the date even though you had spent most of the day writing it down. Swallowing hard as you timidly took the pendant in your fingers, you brushed your thumb over the intricate lines on the front, turning it over to reveal an engraved phrase that was in a different language on the back. Your stomach was doing somersaults as he carefully fastened it around your neck and spun you around so he could admire you wearing it, before cupping your face with both hands and kissing you deeply.

"What does it say?" You whispered when he pulled back slightly, your face breaking into a broad smile that a Cheshire cat would have been jealous of.

"That side is Ogham, the first written language in Ireland. This side..." He paused for a moment as he turned the necklace over and ran the tip of his finger over the words. "Is Gaelic. It means..."

You both let out an exasperated groan when he was cut off by your phone ringing loudly from your bag, mentally chiding yourself over and over for not putting it on silent while you were out tonight. Just when you thought whoever was calling had finally rung off, it started up again immediately afterwards, Shays phone joining in a split second later from his jacket pocket.

"Both of us?! We better see who it is love."

Cursing under your breath as you fished your mobile out of your bag, your brow furrowed when you saw it was Altaïr calling, only just resisting the urge not to snap when you finally answered. Cocking your head when Shay mouthed that it was Haytham calling him and he responded to his phone, you both just stared at each other wide-eyed as you each listened to the frantic babblings, blurting out 'On my way' and hanging up at the same time.

"The warehouse?!"

"Aye. This isn't good. You still have some stuff at the hotel, are you sure you're up for this?"

Giving him a determined nod and grabbing your bag, you took a deep breath before almost sprinting down the stairs and towards the Mandarin; thankful that it was only about a minute away, hoping that Altaïr was exaggerating and that you weren't about to join in a full-blown war.

#assassin's creed #assassinscreed #modern au #fanfic #reader insert #shay cormac #shay cormac x reader #sfw #desmond miles

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stainyourhands · 6 years

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(Longestformcensus) hey hey hey, Ot3 and either met on a reality TV show or worming the same terrible minimum wage job AU

@longestformcensus Ot3 and either met on a reality TV show or worming the same terrible minimum wage job AU

On the first night, Tommy gets a rose. He’s assuming that’s good, as they don’t ship him out on the next flight leaving for Boston, but he’s never actually watched the Bachelorette, so he can’t be sure. This whole thing was his mother’s idea - “you’re over 30 and still unmarried, you owe it to your grandmother” - and Tommy’s never had the heart to argue with his mother about the unimportant things. Like embarrassing himself on TV for the few short nights he’s sure it’ll take to get himself kicked out on his ass.

So, he goes on TV and makes nice with Cheryl - Shaela? Fuck, Tommy needs to pull himself together, he won’t get a rose every week based on looks and trust fund alone - and pretends to get his hackles up around the other contestants. Which would be a lot more believable if he could even remember what Shaela - is it actually Cheryl? he should really look that up - looks like, beyond ‘generic blonde.’

It’s difficult to sleep in the paradise hotel-turned-production studio, so he rolls out of bed past midnight and goes in search of a vending machine. He feeds it his last crumpled dollar, and it’s just his luck that his Sun Chips get stuck. In retrospect, it wasn’t entirely fair, or rational, to take his frustration out on the vending machine, but his mother is a lot, his grandmother is a whole lot more, and Shaela/Cheryl is a whole lot of nothing, so he bangs his fist against the glass.

“Amateur.”

Tommy spins on his heel, freezing when he sees one of the producers he met earlier, the one with the mess of unruly curls under his headphones and the Luigi for President t-shirt. Lovett. Tommy’s almost certain his name was Lovett.

“You have to angle your fist like this.” Lovett demonstrates, striking the glass expertly. Tommy’s chips fall easily, and Lovett bends to grab them. “It’s just basic math. If you calculate the trajectory from the- Sun Chips? Sun Chips are the worst kind of chips. They’re chips for people who care more about saving 10 calories than eating sawdust. I fucking hate contestants. You guys are the worst.”

He holds the bag out, though, and Tommy takes it, their fingers brushing. “Ahh, thanks. I think.”

Lovett huffs. “If you want something that tastes like actual food, Favs has the entire writers’ room stash in our room.” He points to the open door next to the vending machine and Tommy falters - his mother’s voice saying ‘don’t be daft, you’re here to find a wife’ in his mind - but Lovett is already introducing him, “Favs, this is Tommy. He likes Sun Chips and knows nothing about math. Tommy, this is Favs. He’s the head writer. Of this ‘reality TV show,’ so, make your own judgements about that.”

Favs - who, Tommy can’t help noticing, has sharp cheekbones even when he grins and a gap tooth - kicks out with his socked foot, catching the back of Lovett’s knee. “This head writer made your career, oh mighty producer, so, settle down.”

Lovett laughs, catching Favs’ ankle and squeezing gently, before nodding at the pile of junk food on top of the dresser. “The good stuff is over there. Help yourself. Favs doesn’t mind.”

“You’re a monster.”

Lovett hums, sitting, cross-legged, on the carpet by Favs’ head. He rests his head back and, with the hand not scribbling on tomorrow’s script, Favs wraps his fingers in Lovett’s curls. “How are you at killing zombies?”

Tommy grabs a bag of Doritos and a container of sour worms and sits on the floor next to Lovett. “I’m alright.”

Lovett wrinkles his nose. “The sour kind? You are really the worst.” He reaches out, though, and steals a handful.

Tommy raises an eyebrow and, when Favs catches his eye, they share an eye roll.

“I like this one,” Favs murmurs, tightening his fingers in Lovett’s curls. Lovett hums and starts the game.

Tommy’s stomach turns.

When he’s kicked off two nights later, he thanks Shaela/Cheryl - he never did get around to asking which one it was - and heads straight for Lovett and Favs’ room. “I’m really not a Sun Chips kinda guy.”

Lovett laughs, wrapping his fingers in Tommy’s shirt and pulling him inside.

Fuck, Tommy’s going to have to tell his mother and his grandmother that they were right to force him onto this show after all.

Send me a ship and two AUs and I’ll tell you which AU I’d write for that ship.

#jontommyjon #ot3 #podsa #my fic #my first writing meme

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unholyhelbiglinked · 6 years

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The Mitchell Incident | Chapter Eight

CHECK OUT THE STORY FROM THE BEGINNING HERE

[Little bit of a warning, this is just a filler chapter. I promise I’m getting to the good stuff soon!]

The dorm was scarcely decorated, a small yellow lamp resting at the edge of an already big brick structure. Chloe had never seen something so empty. The desk was clear of anything personal- wall bare as a white sheet and grey blanket covered the edge of a twin mattress.

Beca threw her bag down, the burlap making an odd sound against the floor. She let out a shaky breath. This whole entire place smelled like her. Sweet and dangerous. The other half of the room littered with different posters of movies, and a messy duvet. There was a laptop casting a hazy blue light across the length of the room.

It had been a long day, Chloe was exhausted. The hunger that had been eating away at her for the past couple of hours had finally dulled off enough for her to relax into herself- to enjoy the little vampire’s company for once in the first 48 hours.

“You’re not going back there,” Beca mumbled, saying the same thing Aubrey had about the graveyard shift at a cemetery. When the blonde snipped about it, it was condescending. But from Beca, it sounded a little less like criticism and more like a friendly suggestion.

“Okay, I won’t.” Chloe flopped down on the mattress too, feeling sore. She stared up at the ceiling as her legs draped off the side of the bed. Beca had her arm behind her head, breath steady as she rested her hand on her chest.

She blinked a few times. She had been so headstrong towards the situation. She was used to working for what she wanted- and right now she needed money to pay for classes that she couldn’t afford in the first place. Yet, after one simple suggestion from a near stranger, she was ready to give it up.

“Wait, what the fuck was that?” Chloe asked, whipping her head around to face Beca. She had underestimated how close the girl was- her breath hot on Chloe’s collarbone. It was mint mixed with coffee. Beca’s stare lingered on the red-heads lips for a second as she let out a sigh. “You just did something.”

“I did,” Beca turned on her side, resting her head on her elbow as she lowered her grasp to mess with the hem of the only blanket in this whole half of the dorm room. “The power of persuasion my dear. Regardless, you’re not going back to that graveyard. Gallagher is a creep.”

“Says the girl who gives impromptu history lessons in the middle of said Graveyard. Besides, I have to get money if I want to stay at Barden.”

“Consider it paid for,” Beca mumbled, running a hand through her mousey brown hair.

Chloe stared at the girl, wonder in her eyes as she squinted them. She didn’t’ know if Beca was offering to cover a whole entire tuition by herself. It wasn’t something she would even let a close family member do. But in a way, the option hit her hard. The girl did kill her.

“Chlo, when it comes to finances, I’ve been saving for a retirement fund for… hmm, one- hundred years.”

“A humble brag indeed,” Chloe giggled, blowing a bit of air from her nose. “You’re uh… You’re going to teach me everything about this, right? That whole creepy mind control thing you did.”

“Of course, Red,” Beca smirked her eyes flipping towards the door to the dorm room. She sat up, straightening her arm as she parted her lips slightly. Chloe knew enough about social cues to realize that they weren’t going to be alone in a few moments. She couldn’t hear much, using most of her attention to focus on Beca’s shallow breath and even slower heartbeat.

The door flung open, Chloe stifling a grin as she got a good look at the owner of the movie posters. She had seen the girl around campus- Amy, something. She had the type of confidence that Chloe would kill for, the style that would cause anyone to fall into an easy conversation with her. The complete opposite of her brooding little friend.

“Becer!” She shouted alcohol clearly on her breath. She was barefoot, holding a pair of studded heels in her hands as a black cocktail dress hugged her sides. Chloe couldn’t tell if she was foreign, hammered, or both. “Beccer’s friend.”

“Amy,” Beca cracked a warm smile “This is Chloe,

“Can you teach her how to decorate?” The blonde ignored the tiny human to Chloe’s right and went straight to pulling herself into her own cocoon of covers. She didn’t’ bother changing, a lazy smirk on her face. “She’s got the style of a piece of toast.”

“White?” Chloe raised her eyebrow in amusement.

“Bland,” the drunk girl hummed. “Toast, burnt toast.”

She grumbled as she curled up and slowly closed her eyes, Beca shook her head as she let out a small sigh and pressed her fingers to her forehead. She had an odd way with her roommate- Anyone else would have ended up with a black eye and a bloody nose, but Amy had escaped unharmed.

“Burnt toast?” She knit her eyebrows together.

“Well, you do dress in all black,” Chloe smirked. “Does that come with the territory?”

“Mm,” The small girl glanced up as she pursed her lips. She stared at Chloe with wonderment. The first time she saw the girl she was covered head to toe in mud. The shirt that she wore was sheer- almost see through. She clearly wasn’t set to dig a hole in the ground.

She squeezed the redhead's shoulder slightly, shaking her head as she glanced at the sleeping roommate that was curled up on the mattress. She was just short of snoring, consciousness evading her. “It wouldn’t hurt for you to buy a leather jacket, hot-shot. Oh! Or you could just chop up some garlic while you’re at it, stop by a church and try to check your reflection in a mirror.”

“Alright, alright I yield,” Chloe smirked as she held her hands up in surrender. They both laughed, filling the room with a light sound as it finally died down. Chloe drew in a light sigh “Were you serious about the garlic? Because Italian food is my favorite.”

“No,” The shorter girl scoffed, “What’s the point of living forever if you can’t enjoy pizza?”

“Fair point, Mitchell.” She shook her head, there was an odd air of quiet involving the two. This was the first time they had gotten along- at least without the bickering that Beca evoked and anger that Chloe was channeling. It was comfortable, in a way. “I uh- I should get going. Aubrey will blow a gasket if I’m out half the night again.”

“Alright,” Beca nodded it understanding, chewing the edge of her lip as she stepped aside for her to reach the door. “Call me if you need anything tonight.”

“Smoke signal?” Chloe lifted an eyebrow in amusement.

“How about we stick with a Cell phone.” The girl smirked, blowing air from her nose. Her deep cobalt gaze lingered on Chloe’s for a few moments before she pulled the brass knob of the old door open. The hinges creaked and groaned. “I’ll see you in class tomorrow.”

“Sure, of course.” Chloe didn’t object to the fact that she had to sit through a two and a half hour lecture course when she couldn’t really focus on anything other than the new emotions that flooded her body. It was dangerous, it was confusing. But so was Beca.

She halted as a chilled hand grasped her fingers. She was halfway into the hallway- the scent of freshly applied paint and empty Dorito bags filled her lungs. She glanced back at the ominous girl. “You’ll have one hell of a hangover tomorrow, Beale.”

“That’s comforting,”

Beca chuckled softly, a sweet and silky sound. “It’s not meant to be.”

#Beca Mitchell #chloe beale #Bechloe #bechloe fic rec #fat amy #rebel wilson #BrittanySnow #Anna Kendrick

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lgbtqlatinamerica · 4 years

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Commodity Activism within the LGBTQ+ movement in Mexico

The LGBTQ+ social movement has become not only very powerful worldwide, but it has also become a perfect brand. By brand, I mean that it has become a tool for companies to make a profit out of it. The reading “Commodity Activism in Neoliberal Times” by Sarah Banet-Weiser and Roopali Mukherjee discusses how commodity activism has become a way of supporting social change. In a nutshell, Commodity Activism is the boycott of a good or service or is the consumption of such in which goods or services carry ethical values to support a movement. This idea makes supporting a movement from a distance possible, and it also creates affective relationships between a consumer and a product. In a way, this type of consumerism creates a feeling of empowerment towards the consumer. It might create empowerment when consuming products that are said to support a cause. As Benet-Weiser and Mukherjee wrote, “commodity activism may illuminate the nettled promise of innovative, creative forms, cultural interventions that bear critically if in surprising ways, on modes of dominance and resistance within changing social and political landscapes” (p.3). Therefore, commodity activism has become a way of showing support and achieving change via the consumption of products that possess ethical ideals. Moreover, the ethics behind given products comes from the reason why to purchase a product and what causes will your commodity activism support.

Photo credits to Convers Mexico

Moving on to my case study in Mexico, several companies support the LGBTQ+ social movement through branding products and donating profit. Some of those companies are Nestle, Walmart, Uber, PepsiCo, etc. Other companies such as Converse created their pride collections, others like Levis have clothes that show support for pride, nevertheless, Starbucks also has special drinks that support the movement. However, I want to point out a specific product that was released not only in Mexico but also in Brazil. 100% of the profit for this product was given to organizations to promote the importance of diversity. This popular product is the Doritos Rainbow.

Photo Credits to Doritos Mexico.

Commodity activism is seen when purchasing a bag of Doritos, which in the package has the hashtag of #UnaVozMasBOLD (#BOLDERvoice). Doritos Rainbow is an example of how a product carries an ethical message when consuming it. In Mexico, this product and also the hashtag used to represent it became very popular, opening the doors for future campaigns and creating alliances with more prominent associations to support the LGBTQ+ movement.

Photo Credits to Doritos Mexico.

What I found most interesting while researching this campaign was the fact 100% of the profit was given to organizations and also how inclusive the Doritos Rainbow campaign and branding strategy is. It is fascinating how vital commodity activism can be and how it helps to fund and support organizations, in this case, consumers of this product helped spread diversity.

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cecillewhite · 4 years

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Podcast 33: Training ROI in Action – With Ajay Pangarkar

WELCOME TO EPISODE 33 OF THE TALENTED LEARNING SHOW

To find out more about this podcast series or to see the full collection of episodes visit The Talented Learning Show main page.

EPISODE 33 – TOPIC SUMMARY AND GUEST:

If you want to communicate with business leaders about the value of learning programs or technology, training ROI can be a powerful tool. But if you’re not entirely sure what that term means, today’s podcast is for you.

No one I know is more uniquely qualified or passionate about this topic than Ajay Pangarkar, CTDP, FCPA, FCMA. For years, he’s been helping L&D practitioners develop the financial acumen they need to work effectively with decision-makers.

Ajay is an accomplished author, instructor and consultant with credentials in both finance and learning. And today, he shares some of his most useful advice and examples with us.

KEY TAKEAWAYS:

Every learning practitioner can benefit from understanding business and financial fundamentals – regardless of whether your programs serve internal or external audiences.

It’s not necessary for learning specialists to be experts in corporate finance. But basic knowledge can give you the competence and confidence to work more effectively.

As other organizational functions rely more heavily on data analysis to inform their decisions and improve their impact, expectations for increased business fluency in L&D are also on the rise.

Q&A HIGHLIGHTS:

We both focus on the intersection of business and learning, but we come at it from different angles. What led you down this path?

Like many people of a certain generation, I got into training by accident. Originally, I wanted to go into investment banking. So I went to university and studied finance and accounting. Then to my dismay, they told me I was too old to get into currency trading.

So I started a small business training company where I taught startup management teams how to understand business concepts in finance, accounting and marketing. That’s when I pursued a CPA designation here in Canada.

Now fast forward 20-plus years. I was so involved in training, I decided to get a graduate degree in adult education.

I see…

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Around that same time, the training ROI movement started ramping up. So I started reading all the books I could find on this topic. And I could see that it was leading people down a bad path because it didn’t communicate ROI in terms that business leaders want.

How so?

When L&D people spoke with business leaders about training ROI, there were clearly two different mindsets and two different languages. So I decided to focus on the truth as a foundation for training ROI. And that foundation is based on finance and accounting rules that business leaders know.

As you can imagine, this has been controversial. But my goal isn’t to make L&D practitioners look bad. I want them to have more credibility by helping them communicate more effectively with leaders.

I was part of that ROI movement, where we were taught to position learning systems purchases through the lens of training ROI. Why was that approach wrong?

Let’s start with the widespread misunderstanding about return on investment as a concept. The term ROI refers to the DuPont model of ROI analysis. It’s a specific calculation that’s widely used by business and accounting people.

However, many of us use ROI generically when we’re simply asking, “What should we expect from this?”

Got it.

Yet for decades L&D had been desperate to gain more business credibility. That’s because leaders tended to think of it as a necessary evil. “Why do we need this, anyway?” Their budgets were always cut first because learning is intangible. You don’t see direct results.

So when training ROI arrived, it almost became a little magic pill for L&D.

Yep.

Here’s a quick analogy. I was a nerd in school. But I wanted to fit in with the cool kids, so I would listen to their conversations, trying pick-up on terms they used.

One day, I decided to chime-in by using one of their terms and they all looked at me like I was an idiot. Right?

So think of L&D as that nerd in the schoolyard, trying to fit in with the cool-kid business leaders. L&D people have picked up on the term ROI. But despite good intentions, they’ve been using it incorrectly.

So how did this training ROI misunderstanding start?

First, business people have been formally programmed to think of ROI as a literal, specific calculation. It’s not a figurative term.

Right.

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Second, training and development – as a service activity – is seen as a cost by accounting and finance people. But L&D practitioners take this the wrong way – as if cost is a four-letter word.

I want to help people realize that speaking of training as a cost center is not an insult. It’s a way to categorize how budgeted funds are allocated. It’s also a way to measure cost center performance. Because organizations basically have three centers.

What are they?

A profit center, an investment center and a cost center.

And as an activity, training is a cost. It’s an expense. It’s a line-item for a specific reporting period. It can’t be measured in the long-term.

Sure, over the years if you train people well, you’ll see progress in the value of your business. But three years from now, can we say that an employee’s performance improvement is the direct result of a specific training experience? Perhaps it is. But can we actually prove it? No.

So you can’t prove training ROI in this case. Even though it’s a valid investment in people, it’s not a tangible investment.

Makes sense…

You also mentioned something about technology. Here’s where it gets a little convoluted. Even when companies make tangible investments, the balance sheet of the financial statement won’t include a line item for learning.

Maybe that should change. Actually, I’m a proponent of accounting for knowledge because most of today’s successful businesses are knowledge-based organizations.

But the balance sheet is old-fashioned. So you won’t see any type of knowledge accountability there. But you will see the value of the tangible investment – the property, plant and equipment. That’s anything tangible.

Mmhmm…

As you know, L&D often purchases expensive systems like LMSs and devices like laptops or tablets for many people. Those major purchases are capital investments and the expense is measured in the true tangible accounting sense of ROI. Because you can document it on a balance sheet, you can see the value each investment adds over time.

So how does that shape the business case for a major purchase like an LMS?

When you build a business case for learning, you’ll have two components:

The expense activity – Meaning I trained employees in a particular situation. That is not part of ROI. That’s an expense.

The technology used – This includes dedicated training and reporting software like an LMS, or hardware like a tablet that delivers content. These are tangible, so their value to the organization can be tracked.

People need to understand how to distinguish these two components from a financial perspective. Now, of course, L&D specialists don’t need to be financial experts. But they should be financially literate. They need some basic understanding. And they need to partner with the right people in their organization like the CFO, so they can work together to build a proper business case for learning.

So how does L&D prove its worth, if you can’t do it through classic ROI methods?

Well, we’re not alone in this, John. Other business functions are support mechanisms, too. One of them is marketing. Another is finance. And there’s HR. These are all intangible to the organization.

What can we learn from them?

Marketing is a good example. Marketing professionals discovered several decades ago that they could spend millions on an ad campaign, but couldn’t necessarily translate that into revenue growth.

Super Bowl commercials are a good analogy. Companies drop $10 million for a Super Bowl spot. But did one ad convince you to buy a bag of Doritos at a store the next day? Can we prove that direct connection? No.

Agreed.

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So what did marketing do? Marketing found technology. Now tracking software captures data about every detail of our online behavior. There are metrics that indicate how a specific marketing activity changes behavior.

Doritos can now analyze this data in detail and create a strategy that helps focus their advertising expenses so they can convince target customers to buy more. This makes it tangible.

Okay…

L&D does the same thing, right? Let’s say you completed a training course and you become more effective at your job. But can I tie that new knowledge in your head to your improved performance? Like the Doritos ad with no data, chances are there’s a connection, but there’s no proof.

We’re trying to make a tangible connection in L&D, but we’re maybe about 10 years behind marketing – not in technology but in our thinking.

We’re using learning systems to figure out how we can track an individual’s progress over time. And the best LMSs are tied into major enterprise systems, which tie into performance management frameworks. These frameworks are driven by senior leadership and they have all the key performance targets and metrics. Everything in there cascades down through the organization.

So at the end of the day, if I train employees to perform better in ways that roll-up through key performance metrics, it should result in more business revenue and profitability, depending on what I’m trying to accomplish.

Could you share an example?

Sure. I love Starbucks. Not just their coffee, but the way they go about serving you the coffee.

The next time you go to Starbucks, think about what happens after you order. First of all, Starbucks already lists custom coffees on its menu, so you can easily pick what you want. But there’s always someone in line ahead of you who wants to customize it even further. That’s fine.

But what’s remarkable is that whatever you order, three minutes later, that coffee will be at the end of the counter for you to pick up, exactly as you want it.

That should impress you for several reasons. First of all, learning technology helps make sure that every barista is skilled enough to make each custom coffee as intended. But it also helps baristas learn how to further customize every coffee, so you get it precisely the way you want it.

Yep.

OK, let’s say you’re not yet impressed. Think about this. At any Starbucks, anywhere in the world, you can order the same coffee, and you know it will be exactly the same, every single time. That’s got to blow your mind.

I’m sold.

OK. So if you believe L&D isn’t getting any credibility, think about Starbucks. That company sees the power of organizational learning. They see the power of equipping baristas with the knowledge and skill to deliver consistent quality every time. And that commitment has led Starbucks to record revenues.

But this is not just about what employees learn. If you tell me how much someone has learned only by looking at test results, that’s not a performance outcome.

Learning needs to help someone improve something they do on the job that leads to a meaningful business result. “Learning is about doing – not about learning.” If I could create a bumper sticker, that would be mine.

It seems to me that extended enterprise learning is closer to the level of sophistication that marketing has achieved than employee-focused training. Do you see that?

I think we may be segregating individual things to measure, when in reality, an organization is made of parts that work together as a whole. It’s not one thing or another. It’s all the elements.

Hmmm…

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Here’s an example. A number of years ago, we worked with Apple’s Worldwide Customer Support Center, also known as AppleCare. At one point Consumer Reports told Steve Jobs, “You don’t even fall in the top 10 of the best customer service companies in the world. People complain about Apple.”

So Steve Jobs decided they we’re going to become number one worldwide – not just with products, but with customer service.

Now, other companies would probably deploy a customer service training program to all employees and hope something sticks. Spray and pray, right?

Sure.

Okay, Apple didn’t do that. Instead they had a fantastic L&D team that decided it was imperative to first analyze and identify support staff weaknesses. How did they do that? They conducted very precise skills gap assessments.

So they did what other L&D professionals do – but backwards. We usually do testing after we do training, but they did testing up-front to benchmark 8000 employees, worldwide.

They deployed these assessments through their intranet – quizzes, exams and tests that employees were asked to complete during their downtime. And in an era before big data, they drove all this data into their servers, so the L&D team could conduct a comprehensive analysis of all the responses.

Wow!

So let’s say Ajay is an AppleCare employee who’s on a call with someone who wants to connect an iPhone to a MacBook. His exam responses show that he lacks sufficient knowledge to help the customer with that need.

Apple can choose to deploy the best resource to help Ajay with that topic. It could be coaching or a tutorial – whatever would offer an immediate fix. But it doesn’t stop there. Apple actually continues to test Ajay iteratively – identifying the right resources to help improve his performance over time.

At the peak of this program, Apple was gathering data from 1.5-2 million tests a year to inform the analysis and content recommendations for its 8000 employees.

Impressive.

Now, Apple isn’t perfect. But I’ve found that AppleCare representatives almost always solve my problems to my satisfaction. And that speaks about the value of knowledge and learning in that organization.

However, that’s not an easy fix. And in my experience, L&D practitioners often want a quick fix. It’s not necessarily their fault. It’s just that they’re under a lot of pressure. But it’s important to push back. We need to look at the process more holistically.

I know you say it’s smart to take a step back and first consider the bigger business picture. I agree. Remember, L&D is a business activity. We’re an internal support activity that exists to help grow a business.

In that respect, we’re just like marketing or HR or finance. So we shouldn’t forget to push back and say, “First of all, we need to understand your objectives and how they tie-in with the business…”

So let’s say you’re assessing a client’s needs. How do you know if that organization has business acumen? What are the telltale signs…?

…For complete answers to this question and more LISTEN TO THE FULL 30-MINUTE PODCAST!

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How to Scale Customer Education Beyond the Classroom

Struggling to train more customers without bringing your team to its knees? How can you expand your reach and add more value in a profitable way? Learn from experts in this virtual roundtable!

Join our Lead Analyst John Leh as he talks with customer success experts Brittany Tamul, of ArrowStream and Barry Kelly of Thought Industries as they share strategies from high-growth companies. You’ll learn:

How to build an effective blended learning ecosystem

Guideline for optimizing your content mix

Strategies for educating customers at each stage in the relationship

Tips for choosing a technology foundation that adapts to fluctuating needs

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