#Funniest shit I ever heard

[jellybeanium124]

"There's a line in the Torah. 'Fuck with me and you die.' Have a think on this"

-A very minor character from tmmm (Gitta)

[youngerfrankenstein]

RD taking writing advice from ProZD sketches by the end I see.

[sturnioloho]

i can feel my cells renewing themselves when chris laughs

[seventyone-71]

its absolutely wild being a proshipper who was an anti shipper as a teenager, then changed their mind promptly after taking a college level psychology course

because everytime i see an anti theyre always a teenager and theyre always like exactly like how i was. and i do feel bad honestly because like youre in a cult!! please dust off those critical thinking skills!!

but also its a little relieving to know they're gonna realize all that once they get a higher education.

[jellyjamheadobb]

“I don’t want your pity boner”

-Sophie from 2 Broke Girls

[qualityrain]

love how shinpei can say the most insane off putting weird intense yandere bullshit and all it takes is for satoko to give this specific look for him to backpedal like crazy

[beeduoo]

originnssssss who remembers origins i Loved origins

[menlove]

female comedians are so much funnier than male comedians I think we should just start calling them comedians and calling male comedians male comedians bc like. comedians are just. elite in comparison

[ennard-is-near]

I’m literally such a huge fan of Helpy. Look at his face when you lose the pizza shooter (Rider Rocket?) game thingy oh my goodness. When you’re getting sued? Girl he’s got glasses on I’m screaming. He just sits on your computer during the office gameplay? My little guy, he’s so small. He caught a little egg in the ballpit? Joyous day! He fucking dies? Incredible!

Helpy haters DNI!

[padawansuggest]

Obi-Wan and Padme finding out they’re both pregnant at someone else’s baby shower with one of those ‘everyone gotta take a pregnancy test now lol weeeee what fun’ bullshit games the heterosexuals do and instead of being vaguely amused and hanging out with Bail and Mon like they were before they both get called out for staring out into space like idiots only for both them to admit theirs came up positive (yes, everyone stares real funny at Obi-Wan except the people he came with till he quietly mutters that it’s a Stewjoni thing) and someone is like ‘okay, so. We know who’s Padme’s is… so… Obi-Wan?’ And then in the next moment Obi-Wan guiltily looks over at Bail… who sits up all excited like ‘omfg really???? Breha is gonna be so excited!’ And let’s just say no one expected a Senator getting a Jedi pregnant to be something they were immediately willing to tell people but Padme’s all ‘hmmm. I’m gonna go text Anakin’ and promptly tells him Obi-Wan is pregnant… because the gossip was so good she legit forgot to mention her own buns in the oven and now he’s gonna get a second, slightly worser shock, and tbh??? Lovely idea brain, thanks.

[plaguedocboi]

I’m sitting in on a video conference call at the aquarium and suddenly through one of the five microphones came fucking. screams of 10,000 damned souls and a villainous cackle like an evil skeleton witch and one of the guys very calmly goes “oh. sorry” and his mic and video cut out and I’m trying so hard not to laugh in front of all these people I just met

[anotherpapercut]

can't stop thinking abt 2 weeks ago when a friend and I were bickering for comedic effect and our other friend said "jesus christ you two argue like divorced siblings!" and we were both like HUH???

[black-cat-killjoy]

Is. Is no one ever going to talk about The Butcher’s singing voice. Like god he’s hot, murderous, and can sing? Count me in!

[p4nishers]

can we actually take a moment and remember swan upon leda? can we actually shut the fuck up and sit the fuck down and think about our lord and savior swan upon leda because i'm tired of doing it alone every single day guys

[monards]

one day I pray I’ll read a fic from Alice’s point of view but instead of referencing things in teyvat she references and compares the most archaic things she possibly could from like pre-2015 tumblr. Or just any fandom based social media

[sparrowsabre7]

*dead man found in kitchen with tyre track marks covering him*

SHAUGHNESSY: What is all the fuss about now?

MARY: Frederick's dead

SHAUGHNESSY: So I can see, yes. I assume it was suicide, Doctor?

THE DOCTOR: Yes, I imagine so. It's quite clear that Frederick brought the car into the house, ran himself over with it, and put it back outside before he finally expired.

CHARLEY POLLARD *Appalled*: Doctor!