#Genuinely thinking of drawing something for this as well but I'm absolutely terrible at drawing Yato lol

[scarletrosii]

HELLO AND SORRY FOR THE LATENESS @floweryfandomnerd but tis I! Your secret Santa revealed!

I had help, so much help! From scytale-transposed! They're also Scytale@ao3! And I am super grateful for their help!!))

And here is your gift!

Yato always embarrasses Hiyori and Yukine. The two of them plot to embarrass him back, but what can they do to embarrass a god with no shame?

"Why does Yato have to be so embarrassing?" Yukine says as he sits at the kotatsu with his homework.

Beside him, Hiyori sighs deeply. "I know what you mean, last week we were at the mall and they were playing music. He joined in and started singing, loudly, and off key. Everybody was looking. I wanted to vanish into the floor!" She puts her head into her hands.

Kofuku joins them at the kotatsu. "What did Yatty-chan do to you this time, Yukki-chan?" she mumbles with a cookie in her mouth.

"He stuck his finger in my ear, after covering it in spit. It was disgusting!"

Hiyori cringes. "That's pretty gross."

"Talk about it." Daikoku enters the room with a tray of cookies and tea for everybody at the small table. "He's always trying to embarrass the missus and me, but she doesn't get embarrassed, and I refuse to let him."

"That's not how that works," both Hiyori and Yukine say in unison.

"I don't think you understand how it works; you haven't gotten there yet." Daikoku sets the tray down and straightens. "If he embarrasses you so much, why don't you embarrass him back?" he says as he makes his way out of the room.

Hiyori and Yukine brighten immediately. They look at each other.

"That's it!" Yukine says. "We'll just embarrass him back!"

"And maybe he'll understand what it feels like!" Hiyori finishes, excited. She turns toward Kofuku. "Want in on this, Kofuku? Yato embarrasses you too, right?"

"That's part of Yatty-chan's charm, Hiyorin! It's okay, I shouldn't be a part of this anyway; it will all go wrong if I am. You two have fun though!"

And with that she left the room, shaking her head, while Hiyori and Yukine put their heads together to plot deviously.

Hiyori and Yukine put their plan into action the next day. The first one relied on Hiyori.

"Hey Yato, can you get something for me?" Hiyori taps Yato's shoulder and gestures to the nearby convenience store. "I grabbed something at the conbini, but didn't have the money to pay for it so I ran home to grab my coin purse, but now I need to do something else, could you finish paying?"

"Hiyori! I'm so happy you're asking me for help!" He takes the coin purse, face aglow, and goes into the conbini.

He walks up to the cashier and tells him what he was there for. The bored teenager reaches under the counter, pulls out a small box, and tells Yato how much it costs.

Then Yato opens the coin purse to find it full of one yen coins.

He looks at it for a split second, before shrugging and pulling one out, placing it on the counter.

"Ooonnneee, twwooooo, thrrreeeee, foooouuuurrr-"

The cashier doesn't even blink, but outside the conbini doors Hiyori's and Yukine's jaws drop.

What feels like forever later, Yato finishes paying for the box, and immediately spots the two of them outside the doors.

"Hiyori!" he calls over loudly. "I've got your pads for you! I hope you didn't need them sooner, took me a minute to count out the right change!" He waves the box and much emptier coin purse excitedly, bringing everyone's attention to him, then to the girl just outside.

Hiyori's face turns a bright, vibrant red and she immediately dashes off, leaving behind a pink Yukine.

Later on, Yato and Yukine are out for a run, through the park and along the waterfront, looking for ayakashi. Yukine, upon seeing there are none, decides now is the perfect time for the next phase of the plan.

"Hey Yato, I think I see something on the pier," Yukine says, which is all that's needed to make Yato immediately turn toward it.

They run to the edge, and of course, find nothing, but on the way back to shore Yukine fakes a misstep. One stuck-out leg later, Yato is having his own real misstep and tumbling off the edge of the pier straight into the water. Nearby people point and laugh as Yato comes sputtering up; splashing water everywhere.

He looks at Yukine, and all Yukine feels is immense guilt.

Suddenly, there's a scream at the end of the pier, and the two of them look over to find out a child has fallen into the water, out of reach of their parents. Yato quickly swims over, lifts the child out of the water, and hands them to Yukine. Yukine, in turn, then lifts Yato out of the water, and they find the child's parents, who are elated that somebody was able to save their precious child. They insist on giving him a reward, calling him a hero, which causes Yato to blush bashfully. He doesn't appear to remember that Yukine tripped him on purpose, which only makes Yukine's guilt feel worse.

"It's my school's culture festival, you have to dress up for it! It's like a fancy party. It's formal." Hiyori explains to Yato for what feels like the millionth time.

And for what must be the millionth time, Yato tries to assure her. "I have the perfect outfit, you don't need to worry!"

"You can't just wear your tracksuit. If you even try I'm going to cut ties with you!" Hiyori warns. Yato brushes her off.

"It's handled, don't stress about it!"

The next day he shows up with the biggest, most multicolored feather boa Hiyori or her classmates have ever seen, and giant sunglasses.

"Hiyori, I'm here! And isn't this just the fanciest outfit?" Yato doesn't even appear to notice that he's the only one dressed up out of the guests. Or that he's quickly becoming the talk of the festival.

"Hiyori, who is this crazy guy wearing the boa, he clearly knows you but we've never seen him before," Yama and Ami pull Hiyori to the corner of the room, away from the crowd building around Yato.

"He's, a distant relative, come to visit." Hiyori bluffs "He doesn't know our customs here."

Her friends give her an odd look, but they have no choice but to accept it.

"At least he's bringing in more people to our café," Ami says, pointing to the people who are realizing they're in a student Cafe and sitting down to order things.

"We might even have a chance at winning the culture festival competition at this rate." Yama's eyes shine at the prospect, which just makes Hiyori all the more confused.

She makes her way back to Yato's side, and as she gets closer she hears a customer thanking Yato.

"-ays wanted to wear wild clothes like that, but I get so nervous thinking people are gonna judge me. But you don't care, and just seeing that, it feels so good. So I just wanted to say thank you, I might not wear something wild next time I go out, but maybe I'll wear a tie with a fun pattern on it, work my way up, you know?" The customer, who appears to be somebody's dad, claps Yato on the shoulder before ambling off to a table, calling the attention of a student and asking for a caramel milk coffee.

"What was that?" Hiyori asks.

"Nothing much," Yato replies, "just a man who needed a hand, that's all."

"This is the last thing we've got." Hiyori hands Yukine the shoebox. "but I refuse to wear them."

Yukine pulls a face. "I said I wasn't going to do any more of these after the pier, I felt horrible!"

"And I'm not going to be caught dead in these!!" Yukine gives her a glare before she realizes how insensitive her wording is. "Sorry," she apologizes.

"Doesn't matter anyway." Yukine says "If this doesn't work we've got nothing left, fine, I'll wear them." He takes the box, opens it up, and grimaces.

"These look horrible," he says.

Hiyori puts her hand on his shoulder, head bowed. "I know. Good luck! I'll be watching from over here!"

"HIYORIIII!!" Yukine calls after her, but she's already gone, hidden herself around a corner.

Alright, Yukine coaches himself. I've got this. It's just put these on and follow Yato. Where is Yato?

Just like that, the god himself appears, jogging round the corner, looking for all the world like he was innocent of every crime somebody could accuse him for. Yukine immediately replaces his shoes with the monstrosities from the box, and begins to follow his god.

It takes Yato a minute before he notices the noise following him, at the same pace he was jogging. The moment he turns around he finds his shinki, wearing the most interesting pair of shoes Yato has ever seen.

"Are those shoes… ducks? Are you wearing duck shoes?" Yato asked.

With every step Yukine's shoes quacked, and he thought to himself, of course they're duck shoes what else could they possibly be. Instead of saying that however, he just said, "Yes."

Yato's eyes shone and Yukine got a sinking feeling in his gut.

"Where did you get those!! I want a pair!! Gimme!" Yato immediately started following Yukine as the latter began to walk away.

Following becomes a chase, and the faster the two of them go, the faster, and louder, the quacks are, until Yukine can't handle it anymore and pulls the shoes off. Unfortunately, Yato, seeing his chance, snatches up the shoes, puts them on his own feet, and continues chasing Yukine.

Yukine is horrified; everybody around them is watching the whole thing as it happens, making him feel like dying all over again. He is absolutely not used to all this attention. He spots Hiyori, wearing the same embarrassed expression he knows he must be wearing, and makes a beeline over to her.

Hiyori nearly chokes when she sees Yukine headed her way, and she begins running away as well, not wanting to be drawn into the scene. Yato spots her, and starts to chase her as well, whooping with joy.

And all three went running off, people of all shapes and sizes staring and pointing.

Defeated, Hiyori and Yukine are sitting around the kotatsu at Kofuku's place telling her about all their attempts, how nothing they tried worked, and that they were giving up.

Kofuku looks at them mischievously. "You should try one more time, maybe. You might find more luck~" she winks.

"Everything we tried, backfired, and we're the ones embarrassed." Hiyori moans.

At that moment Yato comes in, and dramatically lies across the top of the kotatsu. Hiyori and Yukine stiffen, certain that he's heard everything

"Hiyoriiii why haven't you and Yukine been playing with meeeeeee todaaaayyyy," Yato complains.

Hiyori turns to him. "Play? What do you mean? We haven't been playing!"

"The games? They've been a lot of fun! Telling me to dress up for your festival? That was great!" Yato enthused. "Swimming wasn't as much fun, but I helped that kid, so it was all cool. And I love those shoes!"

Yukine drops his head into his hands. "Those shoes weren't supposed to be fun! Yato, we were trying to-"

"I know what you were trying to do," Yato said with a smile. "And I'm honored you chose me."

"Chose you? For what?" Hiyori asks exasperated. "We've been trying to embarrass you for days!"

Yato looks at her surprised. "You have?" he laughs "I didn't notice! I've been doing things like that on purpose for years!"

"What??" Hiyori and Yukine both lean toward Yato, still draped across the table. "Why?"

"So that I could do whatever anybody needed, at any time, no matter what. It builds confidence. I've had some rather strange requests over the years." Yato rolls off the table, Kofuku just barely jumping out of his way. "Also it's nice to be noticed, even if it's only just long enough for a laugh."

He poked his head up, eyes just visible over the edge of the table. "If you really wanted to embarrass me, you'd have to do something I've never thought of. And I've thought of everything."

"What about getting pantsed in public?" Yukine asked.

"Done it." Yato replied.

"Making weird noises on the phone?"

"Easy peasy."

"Waving to random strangers as if you know them?"

"That one is extra fun."

Hiyori watches as this exchange goes on, and notices an interesting connection with all the suggestions and answers. A plan forming in her mind, she gets up from her position at the kotatsu.

Yato and Yukine don't appear to notice when she kneels beside Yato, and gently, gives him a kiss on his cheek.

Stunned, Yato looks to Hiyori, before his face flushes red and he runs out of the room.

"What just happened?" Yukine asks, and in reply, Hiyori just giggles. Maybe she did gain some more confidence after all.

[miraculouslbcnreactions]

Wondering about how much of Adrien is real seems to be the tip of the "Astruc didn't think things through" iceberg. How much of any senti-person is genuine? Does Tomoe only think Kagami can't draw because she cannot? Is Felix an ass because Colt Fathom was?

(Post this ask was in reference to)

I'm always wary of laying all of the blame at any one person's feet without hard evidence that this is only their fault since there's a core writing team and pretty much every episode has multiple credited writers. Add in the fact that many other people are also directly and indirectly involved in the writing process and it becomes real hard to point fingers from the outside, which is why I tend to generally wave at the whole crew under the banner of "writers". Other than that issue, I agree with you. It seems like everyone involved either didn't think the idea through very well or they thought it was a kids show, so the horrifying implications didn't matter.

I never know what a kid will pick up on and Miraculous' target demographic is pretty young, so this may indeed be something that flies over most kids heads. It's still not a risk that I would take, though, and I'm baffled as to why they even did it.

This isn't supposed to be a super dark show, so you generally want to avoid including dark elements unless they're absolutely vital because why risk upsetting your audience when you don't need to? And the writers really didn't need to. They went the "Emilie had no idea that the peacock would kill her" route and, once you go that route, you don't need to give her a complex motivation for using the peacock. Complexity is only required if she knew that using it would kill her. And even if they did go the "she knew" route, they still picked a terrible motivation! If your infertility is effecting you so badly that you're willing to die to get a baby, then you don't need a magic baby. You need mental health support because you are in a very dark place.

[pearwaldorf]

I have been trying to figure out how to speak about what happened. I do not believe self-immolation is contagious like other forms of suicide. It takes a lot of strength and fortitude to set yourself on fire, to jump off a boat in chains, or go on a medicine strike.

I do not believe people in their right minds (however you choose to define that) take harming themselves lightly. And it's shitty to take away somebody's agency and bodily autonomy, even if it's a thing we find uncomfortable, by ascribing mental illness to them.

Since 10/7 there's been this undercurrent. People asking each other "This is crazy and fucked-up, right? That people are going about their lives like nothing's wrong?" On top of the general malaise of life in late capitalism. It's a fucking lot!

And people are going to say setting yourself on fire to protest it/Palestine is a messed up thing to do. It's certainly an extreme act. But it's also, in some ways, validating. An affirmation of sanity when the establishment seems absolutely cuckoo. That things are fucked.

As a weirdo and then as a neurodivergent person who is also a weirdo I think a lot about normalcy. What is considered normal in the circles I hang out in (body positivity, fat liberation) and in the circles I'm not (diet culture. fucking diet culture). Then broaden that sort of dissonance to pretty much everything else.

It's not healthy or good or right to gloss over things like, oh, genocide, wealth disparity, or climate change in the ways that we do. So all that stuff about being well-adjusted to a sick society, a terrible act of reason. I think it is a perfectly understandable thing to look at this world and go "It is fucked enough that I am going to draw attention to this in the most dramatic way possible." (It does not escape me that the last widely reported deaths by self-immolation were by people trying to draw attention to climate change.)

I genuinely do not know how much impact Bushnell's death will have at this point. This is not a question of being informed or not having enough information to decide. You are either standing aside and letting a genocide* happen or you're fighting against it.

--

* The Holodomor was a genocide by starvation. So was the Great Famine in Ireland**. And so is what's happening in Gaza.

** I think about something Hozier said once. It takes a long time for a person to die from starvation. Something like 90 days. We have definitely passed that in Gaza.

[see-arcane]

Do you have any writing tips that work for you?

I acknowledge that the first draft's probably going to suck.

There are probably holes in it and the same sentence repeated ten times and enough typos to make the dictionary gain enough sentience to cry in despair. That's fine. That's how first drafts are supposed to be. Future drafts exist to fix that. me @ me: Do Not Worry About the First Draft.

If I don't have to write in cold blood, I do not do it.

Unless I'm writing something on the clock for a job, I am writing for me, me, me. Scribbling is my hobby. My beloved terrible sandbox to play in. If I am not having fun building X Sandcastle, I pivot to Y Sandcastle. Because sometimes it's not always a matter of, 'Oh, you just want to get through the boring part to get to this neat scene!' Sometimes a story just loses its flavor in the moment. And if I'm not having a good time with it, oftentimes I'm writing garbage I'll end up deleting anyway. Not worth throwing that time away. No Fun? No Write.

I get inspired! (positive)

Reading or watching something with the Vibes I want for my current project gets my brain battery going. Sometimes I'll even catch myself going into 'parrot mode' to break through a writer's block by going, "Well, if it was happening in X Universe and using X Style of storytelling, what would it sound like?' And then I'm off.

I get inspired. (spite. loathing. hatred and bile unending.)

Being inspired to make something new in the footsteps of your most beloved storytellers: uwu🌸

Being inspired to make literally anything without inhibition, be it a story or a bowel movement, because either one would be a step up from the flaming legacy of horseshit inflicted on you by a Particular Piece of Media: owo 🔪

I can't stop. I can't stop.

I have two Word documents open right now. I have ten notebooks in use. I cannot go one (1) day without writing unless I am physically paralyzed with illness or pain, and even then I am thinking of Things I Will Write once I'm upright. My Muse is the most giving one around, but said giving is hitting like a waterfall and I am perpetually flattened into the Earth's crust by the sheer abundance of WRITE WRITE WRITE blasting into my head at all hours.

But on that note, one of the best things for my writing?

Forcing myself not to write.

Seriously.

Taking a break that involves Absolutely No Creation of Text is vital. Reading. Drawing. Watching a new movie. Making a meal that takes more effort than 'dumping some Cheerios and an apple in a bowl to eat next to the computer/notebook.' It all helps me unplug and not go insane with making scene after scene after scene. Writer Brain needs to cool off with Non-Writing things or it'll catch on fire*.

*Read: Lead to full burnout on a story that I genuinely wanted to work on. What a waste.

[bluegekk0]

In the modern au I think it would be funny if both zote and hornet were gaming live streamers, where zote was absolutely terrible but people watched him because it's very unintentionally funny how confident he is compared to his skill level.

Whereas hornet is amazing at the games she plays but she has so much gamer rage that she keeps getting banned for toxicity in increasingly funny ways.

100% canon. I fully believe they would both be gamers, and whether they would be streamers depends on how modern exactly is the modern AU. I personally put it somewhere in the earlier 2000s, but since it's a side AU I suppose that doesn't matter that much.

Zote would do gaming streams, but I also think he would react to videos sent by his viewers. And his reactions would be the funniest thing ever, he'd be completely dumbfounded by the most obvious things and make himself look like a fool. It would be incredibly entertaining.

Hornet would most certainly be the sweaty tryhard gamer who rages easily. She is very good at the games, so watching her would be entertaining on its own, but the rage is what makes it especially amusing. So exactly like what you described, you got it perfectly. I imagine she would play a lot of competitive online games, and would maybe offer some tips for her audience. But the rage moments is what would make her especially memorable.

Honestly, I might as well talk about the rest of the cast in this kind of setting while I'm at it.

Grimm would be incredibly good at games so that would be a big draw for his streams, but due to his type of humor I think his audience would be quite cursed to any outsider. Lots of suggestive running jokes (just earlier today I watched a random gameplay video and saw someone with a running joke where they comment "edging until [channel name] plays FNAF4" under each upload, and this is exactly the type of audience I imagine Grimm would have) and constant banter between his and his audience. Probably quite a few viewers simping for him too. Just pure chaos. One he very much enjoys.

FPK probably wouldn't play video games, he would instead stream about his latest inventions. Something like PC building streams as well, and if he's joined by Grimm or Hornet it would be extra entertaining. Though his audience would probably be the most genuine out of all of them, aside from maybe Holly. You'd have to be a nerd with very particular interests and a lot of patience to enjoy his slow paced streams about his work. And he would enjoy interacting with an audience like that, I like to think he would often stop what he's doing to respond to messages in the chat, and probably ramble quite a lot if it's something he's passionate about.

Speaking of Holly, they would be the chill vibes streamer, they'd play games like Stardew Valley. Obviously without commentary, but I think they'd find themselves a comfortable place in the "chill comfy stream" niche. Very wholesome stuff, and an incredibly chill audience.

The kids are of course too young to have their own streaming channels, but they'd often show up in the others' streams. Well, aside from Zote and Hornet. They wouldn't want any kids interrupting their streams.

[astationwagononmars]

Lego Dreamzzz: Dream Chasers and the Riddle-Spokens book obtained & read.

Favorite bits (+ spoilers) under the cut:

Logan's memory is terrible and he's proud of it.

Cooper dropped his voice to a whisper. "Do you even remember what happened at lunch?" "I don't remember anything longer than I have to," Logan proclaimed proudly. (Page 38)

It is confirmed that Sneak is supposed to resemble a cat! He is described as a "cat-shaped grimspawn with one bulbous eye" on page 75, and a "cat-like grimspawn [with] a devious mind and a lie waiting on his tongue at all times" in the glossary.

Mateo and Cooper bonding over their fear of failure was a delight, plus Cooper mentioning "parents" instead of just "mom."

Cooper looked a little stiff. "Uh, um… I don't know about that. My parents get pretty upset if I don't get things right the first time." (Page 47) [Cooper] rubbed the back of his head as he stopped in front of them. "Yeah. My parents wouldn't like to hear about me leaving class early, but I told the teacher I was friends with one of the artists." (Page 183-184)

The Night Hunter while Izzie & Mateo are arguing.

The Night Hunter blinked. "Um- excuse me, I'm trying to threaten you over here." (Page 82)

Across the square, the Night Hunter was clearly annoyed that he wasn't being paid attention to. (Page 84)

The Night Hunter has claws!

He clenched his claws menacingly. (Page 151)

It the show Bunchu is from is an anime called Bunchu Bunny Kung Fu Rabbit.

Logan responding to positive reinforcement.

"Logan! That was so smart!" Cooper ran over and clapped his shoulder. "Well, you know. Sometimes I can focus, too." Logan shrugged, smiling hesitantly at first, like he was genuinely touched by the compliment. But then he cleared his throat and turned a wink and a grin on Zoey. "What'd you think, Zoey? Pretty good, right?" She was annoyed about a lot of things. But she had to give it to him- it was smart. So she sighed, striding past him, and nodded. "Sure, Logan. Nice job." He perked up even more and and followed her across the room.

Logan attempting to be nice, being surprised when it works.

"Well, I think the judges are obviously really dumb," Logan said, way too loud, and everyone looked their way. "Z-Blob is super awesome in your drawing! Even I can't laugh at him. He should've at least won first place. The art teacher must have something in both of his eyes." Z-Blob stuck his [head out of Mateo's] backpack and gurgled, as if thanking him for the compliment. For some reason, that was all it took to break Mateo's tension, and he started to laugh. Logan looked surprised before he started grinning."

Final Thoughts:

As far as writing-quality goes, this book is about what you'd expect. It won't blow you away, but it's still good. Other than a handful of typos, I couldn't find any problems with it. Absolutely adored the characters' personalities in this story, and their subtler actions really made it for me!

[undertheknightwing]

jon kent!!!!!!!!!

HECK YEAH JON KENT!!!! MY FAVORITE SUNFLOWER ALIEN!!

First impression

The only issue I had with him at first was he didn't look like the Jon I was used to seeing in the comics, that's all. I watched the pilot episode the night it aired, he became my baby boy almost instantly, and I got pissed he didn't get powers.

Besides that, I thought the show was gonna make him mean and full of himself just because he was a jock and to make Jordan seem better. Thankfully I was wrong.

Impression now

I am normal about him. So normal about him. I totally don't think about him and his horrible life all the time. The fact that he's the glass child of the family doesn't make me wanna curl into a ball and cry 🙂 I'm lying he destroys me emotionally

Favorite moment

JUST ONE??? Ummm that's hard because every time he gets his limited screentime it's always something to remember whether it's because he made me cry or laugh

But I guess if I had to choose I'd pick the kitchen scene from Holding The Wrench. Seeing him go off on people and break the "son who's supposed to sit and smile no matter what" role he's been put into is always a highlight. The scene when he yells at Jordan for spying on him is amazing too.

It was always so impressive to me how Jon could go from adorable golden retriever to giving off a genuine threatening/intimidating feel in a snap.

Idea for a story

All my story ideas for him that aren't chapters in Escapism are episode/scene rewrites. Examples would be:

- having him be poisoned by kryptonite when Jordan was because he's Kryptonian, he absolutely should be harmed by kryptonite, powers or no powers.

- some hurt/comfort focused on him and Clark in the hospital after Jordan broke his wrist.

- Possessed Tal-Rho taking him instead of Jordan just because that's what I thought was gonna happen and still am disappointed it didn't.

Unpopular opinion

I dunno if this is really unpopular because I've seen a lot of people say similar things but s3 Jon and s1 - 2 Jon aren't the same character. It feels like the show rebooted his character and only kept the "he's the nice brother" from previous Jon.

They erased so many of his character traits and what made me like him so much in season 3. It's sad.

Favorite relationship

Jon and Clark.

They're relationship is so interesting to me because it went from good to terrible in one season. There's a lot to work with when it comes to angst, like the idea of Jon hating Superman and anything related to him at some point in his life because he's the son that got left behind for not being "super" enough, and seeing his father and brother is a reminder of that.

Favorite headcanon

He has adhd but isn’t diagnosed because his parents are too busy focusing on Jordan to notice what he's experiencing.

Other than that hc, I like to think he can draw pretty well. Since he doesn't get to be open with his emotions, he decided to draw them as a way to express what he's feeling. They're all in a journal under his bed and he would freak out if someone found and looked through it.

[frank-pricely-in-toyzone]

NPMD ACT 2 AND OVERALL THOUGHTS!!!!

AAAAA that was so good! I really really liked it, I don't really think my opinion changed from Act 1 all that much, but still.

Short, non spoilery review: 8/10 overall! Loved the songs and the serious parts, and all the characters were interesting, but the comedy didn't really hit for me. I had a few issues with the ending, but nothing terrible. Otherwise it was amazing!

Spoilery thoughts ahead!

Let's start story wise. As I said in my Act 1 notes, I didn't really enjoy the more comedic scenes. Not all of the comedy hit for me (some of it did, admittedly), but it felt like a very slow start and wasn't all that entertaining. I did like the fact that the miscommunication between Steph and Pete got sorted out really fast though, that was appreciated. I preferred Act 2's storytelling over Act 1's, absolutely. I really enjoyed the serious scenes.

Character wise, my favourite has to be Max. I knew from the trailer I'd really like him, I'm a sucker for 'vaguely sympathetic villains', especially since it was implied 1) Max could be kind if he wanted to be 2) He was being mentally affected. I just love his character, okay? And Branner did an excellent job of playing him. All the characters were well written, and I'll admit I didn't really like Ruth at first but Act 2 really humanised her (right before killing her, but that's typical of slashers). I also, while I'm not sure I like him, really want to see more of Solomon Lauter. I feel like there's a lot more to be explored with him.

Also, the Lords in Black were amazing. They were AMAZING. I wish they'd come on stage during the scene where Max is vanquished and dragged him off stage, I think that would've been a really potent visual, but I understand why that couldn't have been done. I think I might draw that as fan art! Maybe.

The songs were all pretty good along the board! I don't think my top 2 have changed from Act 1, Nerdy Prudes Must Die and Hatchet Town are still my favourites. But I think Literal Monster Part 2 and As Cool As I Am Reprise are tied for my 3rd favourite. There were some songs I didn't really love, but I think I liked all of them (except for one, but that was more for narrative reasons - more on that later.) I have to say though, I think the Barbeque Monologues has been the only 'show within a show' that has actually worked for me. Even if the song wasn't great, it worked really well to further Ruth's character, and is the reason I ended up liking her in the end. Oh, and it was actually funny.

I only really have 3 things I didn't really 'like', and the last one is just a minor thing that I can probably get answered anyway, so it's closer to 2 things.

Shapiro should've died or at least been seriously injured. I think the fact she lived lessened the impact of that scene, which showed just how powerful Max had become, and he shoved her head through the windshield!! Even if she was to live, she should've at least shown some injury, like a bandage around her head. I just didn't find it believable that she lived.

Grace shouldn't have reprised Nerdy Prudes Must Die / Dirty Dudes Must Die. Now don't get me wrong, I did like the fact that Grace was paralleling Max at the end, showing how she was the new Max, but I just felt like Dirty Dudes Must Die hammered that in too hard, especially since that was the song that established Max as genuinely Dangerous with a capital D. I would've probably preferred Literal Monster or maybe Highschool is Killing Me as the reprise (or hell, even Best Of You!). Honestly part of me thinks there shouldn't have even been a reprise of any song at all. Didn't really lessen the impact of the ending for me, but I just think it would've worked better. (also yay Jason lived, I liked Jason)

How did Ruth die. Max just gave her a wedgie. Did he tear off her back skin and suffocate her with her own skin, or like suffocate her with her underpants or something? But like she died before that so? How did she die

That's really it though. I loved the singing and the acting, it was all super well done! 8/10 overall for me!

[lakesbian]

hm… freaque 📓

📓 A headcanon about their hobbies

yaaay a silly one :) alec like all of the undersiders does not have a lot of time for a rich hobby life but he 'slacks off' by taylor, brian, and lisa standards so he's got a lil more free time than them. he's not very good at picking up new hobbies or learning things because "it's boring" (read: he has depression) but he likes his art and video games and movies. i think when he was a kid he was really into hiding and drawing for hours to pass the time and he made up a bunch of 7 year old typical OCs. they were all really strong and tough and cool and could fly and so on but really terrible things happened to all of them all the time anyway. not a single happy ending in any of those comics.

he stopped drawing as much when he entered The Pussy Mind Palace from ages ten thru thirteen but then tried it again after he joined the undersiders, discovered he still liked it and was still good at it, and decided to branch out into other mediums (particularly graffiti) for fun too. now he's really into drawing extremely cool undersider costume/emblem/base designs he'll never show them. and sketches of things he saw recently that he thought were interesting. he's drawn all of the other undersiders at least once as a "well i'm bored and the costumes are pretty cool i guess" thing. totally draws himself as regent looking all Cool and Badass and Maybe Even Having A Throne. absolutely tried to act all irony poisoned and detached and uninterested when aisha found the entire page in his sketchbook that was just her doing cool stuff as imp but he's not fooling her. she saw that concept drawing of them Posing Badassly with matching costumes. once every like 30 sketchbook pages there's just the most violent gore and/or sex act and/or both at once you've ever seen, which he thinks says absolutely nothing about him. yes he uses reference images to make sure he fully grasps what exploded heads look like.

oh and he loves being like "i am going to draw something ironically, as a joke, and then post it to PHO, also ironically, as a joke, to troll them, as a joke, ironically." and then he spends 5 hours meticulously drawing something that could, if you turn your head 90 degrees, squint, and assume the most conservative mindset humanly possible, theoretically be mildly inflammatory to someone somewhere. and posts it and reads and likes all of the comments complimenting it.

he kinda sucks at video games btw. there's, like, one (1) he's spent enough time on to be good at and he's smug about it but outside of that he's just genuinely not very naturally good at them. his depth perception is fine and everything he's just not very good at concentrating on strategizing for long enough because there's no actual threat to his life to get his brain going. he totally overinflated his perception of how good he is because brian is Even Worse and he won those incompetent v. incompetent matchups like 75% of the time but then he starts playing aisha and just gets his ass handed to him 9/10 times

[cosmic-ships]

Oops :) Gets real under the cut. It's nothing bad though! <3 turns into a gush post near the end~ It's a little long so I get it if no one reads it but I like to voice my thoughts that's all.

Top of the list he goes. He deserves to be there. Not only are his scenes at the end of IX helping me to overcome my fear of thunder and lightning. There's something else.

A few years ago I lost a certain spark. Every ounce of creativity and passion I had shattered. I was always chasing the next "big f/o" that would spark that passion again, that creativity. I never found it and I got depressed for a little bit because I thought I would never find a love as grand as I had before. So my storytelling became nonexistent, I stopped drawing, and the endless thoughts I used to have were replaced with an endless emptiness so I went quiet. I gave up trying to chase something that I thought would never happen again. I was slowly losing myself

I spent a last few years yes, self-shipping and yes don't get me wrong I love all of my f/o but there was something missing, I didn't feel the need to scream every two second about how much I love them, there was just something "off" with myself. I couldn't voice it or the anons would come with their pitchforks "You don't really love your f/o" plus it was hard to put into words. How can you love your f/o but still feel that something is missing?

cut to my sick ass lazing on the couch in the present time. I get an idea, "Hey I haven't watched the Star Wars movies in like...forever- maybe I'll re-watch them all.. then there are the newer ones I haven't seen yet." So I start watching the movies. I had a few interruptions when I was watching VII and VIII but I kept on watching. I thought Kylo Ren's lightsaber was so badass but at the time thought nothing much of Ben himself.

As the days went on I decided to rewatch VII VIII and IX because of said past interruptions be it people or my sick ass having to take meds and stuff. As I do with most things I watch the second time I really consume it. I noticed something. Something different. The very first time Kylo took his helmet off I felt it the feeling that started in my chest and radiated to my stomach.. butterflies? He spoke and there was no distortion from his mask as he wasn't wearing it and I felt my heart skip a bit. what the hell?

the more I watched the more I learned, the more I learned the more I started to fall in love. Do I condone some of the things he's done? No. Do I still love him? Absolutely. After the movies I sort of just sat there on my couch, looking at my own reflection of the tv. "wow, I like Ben huh?" I said to myself then I shrugged. "Ah, fleeting crush and maybe an f/o" Throughout the rest of the day however I couldn't stop thinking about him. Everything from his appearance to how he talked and how he carried himself.

So I decided to run with it. Would it be one of those f/o where I say I'm crushing and nothing happens? Or maybe it will be like my other recent f/o Alex? Talk about him for a little bit but then the fixation dies almost as quickly as it started?

Neither of that happened. I got flooded with endless thoughts, and ideas. Ideas for moodboards, playlists, art.

I got attached to Ben so much, it's hard to explain it but I feel connected to him in a way that I never thought was possible for me ever again. He makes me genuinely smile and I don't mean just smile with my mouth but makes me smile with my eyes. He makes me blush and laugh and feel like I'm on top of the world in such a euphoric state. I actually feel like we're together- like actually. I know it sounds insane but I have every bit of real emotion for Ben. I feel well- in love.

I said I love all my other f/o too and its true and this might sound terrible and believe me I've thought myself as a terrible person but the love I hold for Ben is higher and so much more different than the love I have for the others..

I thought he'd be like a shooting star. A moment of fun but he'd fade away just as fast as he came into my life.

I'm thankful that wasn't the case. He managed to do what I thought wasn't ever gonna happen to me again. He reignited my spark and love and appreciation. I can't say the last time I smiled this much irl and how much I've had my heartbeat fast and the tint rise to my cheeks.

I guess in short...

Ben makes me feel like I'm alive again.

<- I'm trying so hard not to cry as I talk about this but I mean it's true, I've had so much bullshit happen in my life. I've survived so many hardships and awful people. I forgot what feeling alive was, I thought my new normal was to not expect happiness because it will be met with tragedy and I'll be back at square one. Alone and fighting demons in my mind.

Ben has reignited my heart and I am forever grateful for him, I love him so much already and I hold him so incredibly dear. He makes me feel strong, and loved, and passionate- I love him with my entire soul. So deeply that the love extends past the words themselves. It's so much deeper.

If you read this far thank you <3 It means a lot to me. Thanks for listening to me coherently ramble for once.

[tetskuro]

Hello there, I am a humble anon 🐔 here for your haikyuu matchups!! 🙏 I hope you are well and that you have an absolutely wonderful day

I go by she/her

Platonic matchup!!

Preference toward male pairing, although I'm not particular

I tend to have a dry sense of humor and can be blunt sometimes, but I also care about people a lot. I go out of my way to help people when they ask even if I'm terrible at asking for help in return. Otherwise, I'm pretty introverted but will talk excessively if someone approaches me first (reaching out to people scares me sometimes fjbsjd although I make it a point to be obnoxious to people I know consider me a friend)

I love music, math, drawing, and writing mostly!! I play about 6 instruments, bassoon being my main, and I plan to get degrees in applied math and atsrophysics. I play a lot of Dungeons & Dragons and just generally love creating stories

I typically look for people who are willing to listen and to be open to communication because I'm fairly bad at approaching people first. I also appreciate when other people are weird and a little unhinged but still present and grounded when it really matters

I have no idea what an ideal first date/hangout would be, but I think something that doesn't feel too out of the way or unordinary. Something that feels like it's just a normal day with a new thing to do

(sorry, this got really long 😭 my writing is always way too longwinded)

I would be so honored to have a matchup, but if you don't vibe with mine, no worries!! Take your time, and take care of yourself!

your matchup is...

tendo satori

⭑ tendo's a bit of an oddball but he takes pride in it

⭑ he definitely ticks off the weird and a little unhinged checkboxes lmfao

⭑ but that makes you feel more comfortable about being your genuine self around him

⭑ he wouldn't have much of a problem reaching out to you first, i feel like he's comfortable enough to approach people who don't have much in common with him

⭑ the two of you would have a lot of yapathons once you became friends omg

⭑ he would start talking about something first and you'd start chatting away too and it would just go on for hours

⭑ tendo's caring nature isn't too obvious initially but he'll make sure to check in on you if you ever need help bc he knows that you won't ask for it first

⭑ appreciates your blunt nature and dry sense of humor because he thinks it's amusing and likes your straightforwardness

⭑ tendo would love playing dungeons & dragons with you and create detailed stories

⭑ he's a fan of reading manga and watching movies so he'd have fun describing their plots while you come up with your own stories

⭑ he finds it really amazing how you can play so many instruments and would totally wanna hear you play the bassoon

⭑ thinks you're a little bit insane to major in applied math and astrophysics but also believes it's super cool you're capable of doing that nonetheless

⭑ if you don't want anything super out of the way for a hangout, then tendo's down to do something chill

your matchup runner-up is hinata shoyo

[threewaywithdelusion]

I truly don’t understand people who think Byler is going to be canon. This is nothing against people who ship Byler, because I absolutely see what would draw people towards that ship.

But some people genuinely think it’s going to happen in season 5 and that’s what I can’t wrap my head around. Stranger Things is a show written by, as far as we know, two straight men. It’s a mainstream show and it’s target audience is everyone from teens to adults. A large portion of this audience is going to be straight.

The Duffer brothers are probably patting themselves on the back for their excellent queer rep. They have two whole queer characters in the main cast. I think there’s a decent chance Robin will end up with Vickie, in which case we have three characters who are confirmed gay and one gay couple ending up happily together. The Duffer brothers have been at least exploring the fact that Will could be gay since season 1, when Joyce said that Lonnie used to call him gay slurs. They committed to it in season 4, but also in a very subtle way. Queer audiences saw this coming years ago. I rewatched season 4 with my parents and had to explain to them that Will was crushing on Mike. (I straight-up said those words and they said, “you mean… he likes Eleven?”). Straight audiences are not picking up on some Will/Mike love story. And yes, I don’t think Mileven was super well-written in Season 4. But that’s a problem with the writing itself, not proof that the Duffer brothers don’t intend for Mileven to be endgame.

Also, Mike is arguably The Main Character. Especially with how he was framed in S1. Modern shows might make one (or several) main characters or series regulars queer to show how inclusive they are and appeal to queer audiences. But I truly don’t believe we’re at a point where you can make the main character queer without alienating straight audiences (especially if your fan base is not just younger people). Maybe that’s cynical of me, but I think people want to watch shows with queer representation but that aren’t Queer Shows. And that’s what Stranger Things would be if Byler happened, because both Will and Mike (two of the main leads) would be queer and together.

Even if the Duffer brothers wanted to make Byler happen from a creative perspective (which I seriously doubt), it would be a terribly marketing move. I just don't believe we live in a world (at least yet) where predominately straight audiences want to watch shows with large gay casts. (Of course there are exceptions, but I'm speaking in generalities). So while I totally think there's space for Byler in fan fiction and that it's a fascinating dynamic to explore, it bewilders me that people think it's going to happen for real. I think this comes from being in fandom spaces and/or interacting mostly with queer people.

The majority of the world isn't the fandom and also isn't queer. We're still years away from a time where a hugely successfully, mainstream money-maker like Stranger Things can make two of its main characters queer and in love.

I adore the world y'all are living in though. I don't think we're there -- but I hope some day we will be.

Addendum because I wrote this quickly: I also think Mike/Eleven are a really important relationship that is central to the show. That's not to say that Will and Mike aren't, because I do think they have one of the closest friendships on the show and that there's something special about their bond. But the show, from the beginning, has centered around Mike and El as the protagonists for the kids' generation. Their love for each other and trust in each other has been a huge characteristic of both Mike and El and a huge driving force for the plot. They haven't adequately set up a pivot from that central relationship, and I don't think they could do it in the final season without doing a disservice to the past four seasons, but especially to El, who is the center of this whole show.

[befuddledcinnamonroll]

Alright, BL multiverse, let's goooo!

(I am so happy we are in an era of getting more creative plots in BL)

Anyone else get a momentary flashback to H2O: Just Add Water? Just me?

Ngl, I laughed at Kram dropping the locket, because I am an absolute klutz and would totally do the same thing.

Poor Kram, no one expects a strange naked man first thing in the morning.

Omg, I thought they were going to say Phupha was a life model for the dad, since he's a painter. How much tea did he spill to have to get completely naked??

Also, what exactly does the dad do that would make them such a target?

I'm assuming Bad Max is the leader of this gang.

Speaking of the devil... this went from cute to scary real damn quick. Poor Kram.

Max does intimidating very well.

They picked some gorgeous locations for this.

Lol, we are speedrunning this enemies to lovers arc. But also it's a nice example of what an empathetic character Kram is.

Oof. There is something darkly ironic about Phupha wanting his body to be captured in good shape when we know he's going to die soon.

Gotta give Phupha credit for using any strategy at his disposal, from "draw me like one of your French girls" to "Oops, now I'm naked in a mosquito-ridden forest and need your help".

I wasn't sure how Kram & Phupha would feel as a pair, as they'd be competing with five years of real life MaxNat chemistry, but honestly both Gun & Nat are doing great! I'm on board.

Oh damn, I am such a sucker for lines like this.

Ooh, Phupha was wearing the blue before, and now it's Kram! I love that I notice these things now.

Ok, I liked the not-sex scene. There was a very realistic awkwardness to their inexperience, and even though Phupha is super ready, he sees that Kram isn't, and that's ok.

Oh shit, I forgot about her! Don't do something bad, sweetie.

Ok - maybe she's cool? But I'm still worried. There's something about her face as she's saying it's all ok.

It's funny, this has had such a timeless feel up to now, the cars feel really jarring.

THERE IS SO MUCH HAPPENING!! Phupha is a real estate mogul? He owns an art gallery? Tai is a baddie who likes to make dramatic entrances?

Goddamn, Max is bringing the sexy-scary.

Speaking of which, why the fuck haven't you hired guards already?

IF HE COMES BACK!?!?! HE JUST HELD A KNIFE TO YOUR SON!!! This dude has terrible survival instincts.

Um, wtf?

HE KNOWS IT'S WRONG?!?! He leads a gang, ffs!!!

Oh god, is this some weird rich people family shit? Are Phupha and Tai stepbrothers or something? Is that why these people aren't treating Tai like the scary motherfucker he clearly is?

Damn, there is a lot Phupha didn't tell Kram. I think the right time to tell someone you have a fiancee is before you try to fuck them and ask them to move away with you.

Wait, now we have a masked sword-wielding assassin? What is happening?!?!

Damn, that was the clunkiest exposition ever, lol. But now we know Phupha is a hemophiliac too.

Ooh, this was genuinely creepy.

Huh, they got out of that more easily than I expected.

But dad is not dad? And he's one trying to get to Phupha? But he knew where he was in the forest.

I'm so confused.

I'm enjoying the vibes and the acting, but the story got deeply confusing in the last bit. Hopefully we get some things cleared up in episode 2!

[loulines]

When 2023 was right around the corner, I had this desperate hope to make things better. My life was falling apart and back then I thought that 2022 was the worst year I've experienced...

... so far.

In January, I made so many plans to fix my life and to fix what was between me and people close to me. Things were still pretty terrible but at least I had HOPE and I was determined. I was like, THIS WILL BE THE YEAR WHEN MY LIFE GETS BETTER! WHEN MY DREAMS COME TRUE! I made my second attempt at bullet journaling to track my crazy mood shifts and to write motivational stuff that would help me self-soothe and control my triggers. I was doing DBT workbooks even though I was too scared to seek professional therapy. I kept telling myself that I can't fuck up again. And I didn't.

Yet my life has still shattered not long after I started working on my mental health.

I kept asking myself why, I couldn't understand it and I still really can't. I had to carry on despite wishing to never wake up nearly every day. But I think it's just how I am. I will carry on no matter how bad things are. Maybe it's a good trait.

But life was pathetic AF. The first half of 2023 was just me falling straight into the pit. I still couldn't get into therapy because I was too ashamed and my imposter syndrome was screaming at me that I'm just faking it because I still manage to sleep alright and I was doing fine at work. Even though that was what my life has become. Sleep and work. And YouTube. Well, I also continued learning Dutch but I'm really slow at it. Can't really get past A1 level. I've made countless attempts at going back to drawing but it's just a struggle nowadays. I don't feel any joy from it anymore. And I hate it because I loved doing it. I can't go back to writing either. I can't even read fics anymore. Somehow, reading about my favorite ship getting together for the 100th time and living happily after only adds salt to the wound.

The second half of the year was when I finally made attempts at stopping going downhill. Finally got the guts to start therapy, then my therapist convinced me to make my own decisions instead of letting people do it for me. I also quit my job because it sucked and I had no life outside of it.

Do I feel better? No.

Do I look forward to 2024? No.

I'm turning 30 in 2024 and I feel so pathetic I don't even know what to give myself as a gift to make myself happy. Because to be honest, absolutely nothing makes me happy anymore. I keep on living and try to enjoy things while they last but it's not pure, genuine joy. Every time I have to tell myself "this is a happy moment, enjoy it." Every other thing, on the other hand, reminds me of the times I was hurt so now I avoid my triggers like a plague. I also don't trust people at all. I'm constantly warning myself that every person who tries to befriend me is lying and they actually think I suck. I can't fit in anywhere.

I'm scared to say that 2023 was my absolute worst year because I said that about 2022 and then the next year topped it. But it fucking sucked. 2023 managed to turn all my happy memories from the year before into something that doesn't seem like it happened anymore. I'm actually trying to erase them from my memory but I don't think I ever will. I have no plans for 2024, no hopes, no dreams. Whatever happens, happens.

I'm not sure why I wrote this on my blog, I guess I just wanted to scream into the void. I'm mourning what once was, what I had and what I could do. I need to accept that those things will never come back.

[silverbirching]

13, 14, and 15 from the get to know the fic writer list!

Alright Friendo let's get to it /cracks knuckles.

13 - what’s a common writing tip that you almost always follow?

Not so much a common tip as something I've observed, both from discussing with fellow writers and from some of my favorite authors, which is that the easiest way to set up character growth/arcs is to have a character whose self-image and reality are not in synch. The best way I've observed to pull this off is to have the characters treat their negative self image as something obvious and factual--less Woe Is Me and more "this is a fact about myself".

14 - how do you write emotional scenes? Do you ever feel what the characters feel? Do you draw from personal experiences?

I usually plot them well in advance--actually I have a harder time with the filler and set-dressing around them, sometimes. There's a rhythm of push-and-pull that's kind of hard to describe, but a lot of it comes down to what do the characters want, how far are they willing to go to get it, and how well are they capable of expressing themselves?

I do tend to strongly empathize with my characters as well, so often yes. And this ties into the last part of the question; absolutely, yes, I do. Even if you've never experienced a 1:1 equivalent to Whatever the Fuck is happening in your story, you've probably experienced something with a similar emotional resonance. You've hopefully never had to kill your beloved to free them from the clutches of a demon king, but you've had to do something cruel but necessary at some point in your life to someone that you really care about.

15 - How do you write smut scenes? Do you get very visual or detailed? How important is it to be realistic?

Fun fact! Usually, I do not! Perhaps it's due to my past life as a tortured, in-the-closet Oxford academic who would have to retire to Harrogate for six weeks for a rest cure and a series of restorative tonics every time he accidentally spied a coal shoveler doffing their shirt to bare their hard laborer's muscles, but I've very rarely found written erotica to be genuinely hot, and I'm usually happy to do a discreet fade-to-black while my characters make the Beast With Two Backs between rows of asterisks. You know. Like a gentleman.

Like many people, I am enormously self-conscious about writing smut, lest I accidentally reveal the stygian depths of psychosexual deviancy I operate in that decency forbears me mentioning, but mostly I'm just not terribly interested in reading it, either. That being said, sometimes characters need to Get it On for story reasons, and a piece of general advice I would give is to make sure they still feel like characters. Is this sex bringing them closer together, or is it making things worse?

Fanfiction tends to have a very visceral, physical immediacy that I think really sets it apart and can elevate it as a medium. So I'd say--stay grounded in the specificity of character. As for realism... I dunno, man, stripped to the studs, sex is applying friction to mucus membranes until someone makes DNA noises and a stupid face. How much Realism do you want?

[nonbinarypanguy]

Rant:

I hate being perceived as pretty.

I'm nonbinary and i guess a demiboy. I usually get referred to as pretty or cute and I absolutely hate it. I don't want to sound like a prick because i know people mean well and that this is basically a compliment that tons of people would kill for. Hell, I remember what it was like the first time. I was called ugly most of my life so I don't know what happened in recent years for that to change.

I have crippling dysphoria and self hatred issues that I'm trying to deal with but to no real avail. I'm quite masc looking right now i think. I'm a little feminine in the way that i paint my nails and wear jewelry i guess but nothing much past that. I love wood carving, punching stuff and all sorts of hands on activities that make me feel really good about myself and I genuinely enjoy. All in all i guess there's no real reason to call a greasy, calloused hand guy pretty and that's just the thing.

Even if it makes no sense i still get called a femboy or get called pretty or cute or i even get misgendered when i try my best to draw on my most realistic facial hair.

I'm aware that I won't go on T. Dysphoria spikes are common and horrible but i know I'm nonbinary and that I would regret hormones but the social shit is just terrible.

It's gotten so bad that i wear sunglasses now all the time so people can't see my in their words "pretty big eyes". It's stupid because i know eyes aren't gendered. It's more than just that but, why can't i just be called cool or attractive or hot or something. Again i am acknowledging the fact that i am in a privileged spot here because other people would possibly kill to be called pretty and cute and stuff. It just rubs me specifically the wrong way.

I want to be happy with myself and i guess I wouldn't mind it if i was trying to be pretty or cute but I'm not, I'm trying to get away from it. I feel weak and like if I'm not valid.