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latenightbreezeinheaven · 1 year ago

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Solar return chart observations (2019)

Scorpio rising at 29 degrees

🌪️That year was my most traumatic year.

🌪️There were countless transformations (mostly endings and also new life-changing beginnings) in that year.

🌪️I lost many friends. I got gossiped by the whole class. The whole class didn’t talk to me. I was slut-shamed and they even spread rumors about me being pregnant while I was just gaining some weight. I was notorious with bad reputation in my school. My first love left me. I tried to run away with my first love. My parents caught me and grounded me for several months. I was literally in solitude. I had no one by my side. Both emotionally and physically. I can even write a whole damn book about this year.😭

🌪️However, I learned how to stay alone happily in that year. (It was not an option. The universe was like BAM you need to encounter THIS to achieve THIS success or whatsoever😃).

🌪️My whole personality before and after that year was so different that no one couldn’t recognize me after that year when I went back to school.

Moon in 1st house conjuncts ascendant (in Sagittarius at 0 degrees)

🌪️Maybe due to these traumatic events, my emotions were running high all the time.

🌪️Even though I tried to hide my pain and act like a typical scary silent scorpio rising, people still attacked me because I looked so vulnerable.

🌪️I cried almost everyday in that year.

🌪️Also I gained weight like A LOT MY FACE WAS LIKE AN ENORMOUS MEAT DUMPLING👹👹👹

**I also notice that I gained weight so easily last year when I had scorpio rising even though my moon was in 7th house in Taurus. Might be because of Taurus moon but Idk, scorpio rising year scares me hell a lot now.😺**

Jupiter in 1st house (in Sagittarius at 18 degrees)

🌪️I gained tons of weight because of my only coping mechanism : binge eating and also due to covid and quarantine.

🌪️I felt like food was the only escape in my life and I gained like 60 lbs.🤦🏻‍♀️

🌪️However, I had lucky academic opportunities.

🌪️I had to change my tuition because everyone including the teachers slut-shamed me and only because of that transformation, I finished high school with high marks and now I’m in medical school.

🌪️Thanks to my new teachers from new tuition and also those stupid bitches who believed everything they heard without clearly thinking as grown-up adults.😍

Saturn conjunct Pluto in 2nd house (in Capricorn)

🌪️My self-esteem declined so low that I rarely even went out in that year.

🌪️I felt like no one wanted me and I questioned about my worth like thousand times.

🌪️Throughout the year, transformations related to self-worth and self-love questioned my existence.

🌪️I was always thinking like “do I even deserve to eat this or go to this or be friends with them?” every damn time my mom asked me what I needed and every time someone approached me.

Neptune and Lilith in 4th house (in Pisces)

🌪️My whole family was very confused about me.

🌪️They even thought I was possessed by some ghost because I acted very unusual eg I couldn’t control my anger and I kinda self-sabotaged and I just bursted out and cried so suddenly when I was at home (that was just my trauma response I mean I don’t really know how they expected me to act after all those punishment they gave me and personal attacks received from my ex-mates)😺.

🌪️My parents kept really close eyes on me because they were worried that I would commit su-ici-de and they also had their respective assumptions about me but at the same time, they also outcasted me and thought I was really a slut who slept with lots of men because I did many reckless things without thinking about consequences.

🌪️I also often had intense vivid dreams and nightmares.

🌪️I was addicted to vapes and used them secretly in my room in that year.

🌪️So effed up🔫

Chiron in 5th house (in Aries)

🌪️My first love broke my heart.

🌪️My first serious heartbreak.

🌪️I had to take about 9 months to fully move on from him.

🌪️My inner child got hurt and my creativity and self-expression left my soul in that year.

🌪️I lost my silly child-like spirit in that year.

Uranus in 6th house (in Taurus at 5 degrees)

🌪️At first I was planning to study really hard to prepare for my matriculation exam but due to covid, there were huge unexpected changes in my routines and habits.

🌪️My plans got ruined.

Venus in 7th house conjuncts Amor (in Gemini)

🌪️Amor asteroid represents soulmate.

🌪️I met my first love and fell in love with him like a fool.

🌪️Everyone warned me because they saw red flags🚩🚩🚩🚩but I was blindly in love and was like “I’m gonna marry him”😭😭.*dies of embarrassment*

🌪️That was my first time that I gave actual commitment to someone and I felt like he was my soulmate.

🌪️I couldn’t let go of him for so long.

🌪️I wrote songs about him.

🌪️I wrote short stories about him.

🌪️It was bitter-sweet but now it’s just a memory.🌌

Sun in 7th house (in Gemini)

🌪️My main focus was on relationships relationships RELATIONSHIPS and I strongly desired to build meaningful social connections rather than superficial ones in that year.

🌪️My hidden enemies also pulled their masks off lmao I had to deal with them the whole year because they kept saying things about me that I didn’t even know I did.😩

Mercury conjunct mars in 8th house (in Cancer)

🌪️I remember that I was fully in my hermit mode the year I had this placement.

🌪️I searched articles about how to attack those arseholes spiritually but didn’t really take an action because I believed in karma.🧘🏻‍♀️

🌪️I was always reading books about magic, detective, occult and death and I even thought about committing a su-ici-de because I was severely depressed.

🌪️I was alone but also so blunt (I think I was just trying to protect myself) every time someone tried to befriend me.

🌪️I cursed a lot and my anger issues were like high up in the sky that one time, the wall cracked because I punched while I was angry and I’m just A GIRL🎀💕🥰).

Vertex in 9th house (in Leo at 15 degrees)

🌪️Maybe because of all of this, I started to pray to Buddha every single day in that year.

🌪️I suddenly became so religious and I felt like I only had him by my side.

🌪️My beliefs about religion expanded and I started to learn about other religions too in that year.

🌪️Also fated events occurred at my school so yeah vertex can say a lot about your upcoming year.

🌪️Immediately CHECK YOUR VERTEX IN YOUR SOLAR RETURN CHART RIGHT NOW!!!🥱

My scorpio ascendant was in my natal 5th house

🌪️My main focus was on relationships and dating as I’ve already said.

🌪️I also think I was so fertile in that year or maybe horny?

🌪️I wanted to get pregnant with my first love and I was only 14 at that time💀💀💀 (I know I was so silly but I was just a kid so I forgive myself for that *dies of embarrassment again*).

🌪️Sex education and vapes and drugs might be normal for teenagers in western countries but in my country, they’re like really taboo topics and parents biggest nightmare was their drug addict children getting pregnant😭.

🌪️Almost everyone did not dare to discuss about those openly in those days.

🌪️Also I was just 14 at that time so it’s not my parents’ fault that they stopped me and restricted me too much but however, their punishment was directed in a wrong way and that’s why I had to find other ways to suppress my pain. I don’t know who to blame, myself or those so-called friends or my parents😭.

So in conclusion, it was a very hard year and very life-changing and unforgettable but it shaped me into who I am today so I’m really happy to receive all of those new experiences. English is not my first language so please bear with me if I made some mistakes.🫰🏼💕

Also you can ask me about two placements (maximum) you want from your solar return chart. I’ll answer them as soon as I get free time.❤️

My mood in 2019 as GIF be like:

#astrology observations #solar return chart #astrology #astrology notes #astro notes #synastry observations #scorpio rising #astro observations #asteroid astrology #venus in gemini #sun in 7th house #vertex

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handsomegentlebutch · 28 days ago

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What would consider to be marrying into upper middle class? Cause I lowkey wanna do that too but like what would be the class signals or distinctions to clock someone as upper middle so i can marry their ass lol

I hate rich ppl. But I am also getting desperate. Would love to own a home someday. Making $60k annually is a stretch goal of mine. A dream, if you will.

I also wanna clarify that I grew up so broke (and still am) that I have a hard time seeing the difference between super rich and upper middle class. Theyre the same to me lmao but anyway...

Someone who grew up with and/or currently has the following:

1) owns more than one house (ex: vacation home. not 'my mom owns her house and i own my house' i mean 'i own x number of houses' or 'we like to vacation at the cabin we own')

2) owns more than one car (as in multiple vehicles that they own and are in their name. I *dont* mean they have a car and their dad also has a car, yanno?)

3) someone who sees a big bill (ex: university tuition) and says "oof that's a lot" and then casually pays it like it's nbd

4) no debt and/or extremely manageable debt that they only keep around for the sake of their credit score

5) shocked that homeless people have phones*

6) "we weren't rich, but we were comfortable" (they are VERY insistent that they aren't rich. Weirdly defensive about it. Think the way T*ylor Sw*ft claimed she was "working class" while living in a literal McMansion and her parents were able to buy a fuck ton of her album to put her on the charts)

7) regularly has more than $10k in savings**

8) white collar job that probably has some stupid, useless ass title like "Directional Operations Manager" and this job is not only cushy but contributes nothing to society. The kind of job where they send 3 emails a week and attend meetings made up of buzzwords.

9) their home looks like a place Neal Caffery would rob

*not every homeless person has a phone, obviously. Most my clients have phones but not all. Shit happens in the streets, things get lost, stolen, etc. That said, I used this example bc ppl who grew up with money struggle to wrap their heads around the idea that poor people don't look and act like Victorian orphans and do sometimes have nice things and access to technology. Think of that fox article that accused poor ppl of not being poor bc they had refrigerators

**and they can KEEP adding to this regularly. This isn't like a freak occurrence where they're over the fucking moon bc things have been going well for once. I mean they could have like... serious car problems and pay for it easily or lose their job and be able to live off their savings for several months

#butch speaks #answered #asks #anon #white collar #side note. i love that show lmao.#ive been studying from sivi btw #innerchildabortionclinic #her and failson are inspiring #would love to have the lesbian version of that ngl

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neptune-scythe · 7 months ago

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I prayed those lights would take me home

- 9-1-1

- Buck POV

- takes place during 8x03

- 5k words

- Buck remembers the day he got kicked out of college, crashed his bike, and left his parents house. But turns out there was a bit more to it than he'd realized.

full fic under cut

TW/ suicide, suicide attempt, depression

"Los Angeles fire department I need to commandeer that bike!"

Buck called out to the approaching motorcyclist.

"Seriously?!"

"Helmet, come on, let's go let's go!"

Buck practically snatched the helmet out of the confused man's hands, hopping on the bike and speeding away before the man even knew that was happening.

There was the slightest moment of hesitation as he kicked the bike into motion 'what if I forgot how to do this', but he supposed the saying existed for a reason, because it really was like riding a bike. His body immediately knowing what to do, without needing any thought to remember.

He'd forgotten how much he loved being on a bike, the rush of air blowing against him, the speed so much more palpable when there aren't four walls and glass windows blocking out the outside world ... though to be fair he was going considerably faster than he normal would in his jeep.

But there was something else mixed in with all the feelings of freedom and the rush of adrenaline ... something almost like dread, some deep gnawing feeling he couldn't quite identify. But for now he tried to put it out of his mind, he had a job to do after all.

When he'd reached what he suspected was a mile (a little more just to be safe) he stopped the bike and discarded the helmet beside it, leaping over the divider into incoming traffic.

That feeling arose again, stronger this time, harder to ignore. But still he pushed it aside as best he could, lighting both flares and attempting to get the attention of the speeding cars without getting himself run-over.

That feeling pulsed inside him, increasing with each whoosh of air as cars sped past him, almost overwhelming him as he planted his feet in front of an oncoming car, barely avoiding being slammed into as the car slid to a stop before him.

"LAFD! Everyone stay in your cars!" he shouted as the cars in front of him all slowed to a stop.

He breathed deeply, almost surprised at the success of his endeavor. That feeling still thrumming inside him, nagging at every corner of his mind.

He supposed now was as good a time as any to explore the cause of the feeling since the people seemed to be agreeable enough to stay in their cars and not try to slip past him.

The feeling began when he got on the bike, but he never recalled experiencing that before, and he used to drive his bike every day ... but then again he hadn't been on a bike since ...

the day he left his parents home.

He hadn't thought of that day since Maddie told him about Daniel, but even then he wasn't thinking much of crashing his bike. He supposed that's what triggered the feeling today.

But he'd experienced far worse things than crashing a bike, and the reminders of those times never gave him the same feelings as today.

So he thought harder on that day that started with being kicked out of school.

He arrived in class to the teacher immediately pulling him aside and asking to speak with him.

His body was immediately thrust into fight or flight as adrenaline shot through his veins ... he knew he was in trouble, that he'd messed up somehow, disappointed someone ... failed. Again.

His hands started to shake with nervous energy, instinctively grasping his hoodie strings to fidget with.

"Evan. I'm gonna get right to the point. You're over a month behind on tuition, it needs to be paid now, otherwise we can't continue to enroll you here."

He was really panicking now. He didn't have the money. He'd thought he could stall long enough to get the money, that they wouldn't notice, somehow. But he was wrong.

And now here he was, standing in front of his teacher, out of excuses, no way to bullshit his way through it this time.

"I ..." his voice cracked, it sounded weak and pathetic to his ears. He hated it.

"I-I-I-I, don't have ... the money"

The teacher sighed, giving him a sympathetic smile. It gave him no comfort.

"I'm sorry to see you go, you showed some real potential"

And with that she left him standing there in the halls, his mind a whirlwind of thoughts and feelings he didn't know what to do with. He felt his lungs constricting, or maybe the air was getting thinner ... he couldn't tell. He could feel the press of tears behind his eyes threatening to be unleashed with each shaky breath. He didn't know what to do, but he knew there wasn't any reason to stay standing in the halls on the verge of a breakdown. It was bad enough he got kicked out of school, he didn't need his ex classmates watching him cry about it.

So he trudged through the halls with his head down, avoiding the smiles of greeting from passing students and teachers, his pace quickening with each encounter.

By the time he reached the parking lot, tears were falling freely down his face. He could barely see his bike through the blur of salty tears filling his eyes, so he let his body run on autopilot, falling into the rhythm of actions he'd taken thousands of times before.

But as he drove away he didn't take the familiar route to his house, he couldn't go there yet ... couldn't face his parents. He'd already failed, already been reminded of his flaws, his incapabilities. He'd screwed up once again, and he could already hear his parents voices in his mind telling him how useless he was, how incompetent, how he failed at everything. He'd always denied those insults, even if only inside his own mind. But now he wondered if they'd been right the whole time.

Maybe he was really useless, he couldn't even finish community college, he wasn't good enough for any of his friends, he was never their first choice, just somebody they invited when they needed more people for an activity. Hell, even Maddie had left. She had Doug, and he'd barely seen her at all since her wedding.

His parents hated him, his sister left him, all his friends had too.

He was worthless, he believed it now.

He'd never be good enough, never be important to anyone, never make anything of his life.

What was the point of it all?

Why did he keep trying?

Why keep hoping?

Why not just except that his life was a waste of oxygen, a waste of space, and a waste of everyone else's time.

His bike picked up speed, the road barely visible before him through the tears in his eyes. Some hard rock song blasting through the speakers he wasn't even paying attention to.

He was sick of everything.

Sick of living a life that never seemed to be good enough, never seemed to matter

Never good enough

Never enough

He saw the back of the SUV pulling out into the road in front of him. He might have had enough time to swerve out of the way, but he hesitated for just a moment too long.

His bike slammed into side of the SUV, and next thing he knew he was on the ground, his bike crashed on its side next to him. His ears were ringing and his shoulder throbbed in time with his too fast heartbeat. He was vaguely aware of a voice nearby ... speaking to him?

He wasn't sure.

He felt as though his mind was in a fog, or as though his conscious was locked away in some cage deep inside his mind, unable to rise to the surface.

But somehow he'd made it to the hospital, then to Maddie, then back to his parents home ... and then, freedom.

At least that's how he always remembered it, but that nagging feeling deep inside made him wonder if there was something he'd forgotten, some detail he'd buried deep down ... or maybe was never aware of at all.

But that was work for another time, not standing in a busy highway blocking traffic with just his presence, while waiting for a jetliner to touchdown right behind him.

So he put it aside, focused on the task at hand, waiting for the plane to land, watching it glide across the empty stretch of highway. Helping the passengers out, helping Bobby, just like before, like he'd never left at all.

And when his shift was finally over he went straight home to really remember that day, the day his life had changed forever.

He had worked with Dr. Copeland a few times on things like this in past. Recalling certain memories from childhood and focusing on the feelings he'd never had a chance to process.

He'd spent so much of his childhood minimizing all his feelings, hiding them away so he wouldn't get punished for just existing ... especially after Maddie left. She'd been the only safe place he'd had to process his thoughts and feelings, and once she was gone he just buried them away. Never taking the time to work through his feelings or process his experiences. Just feeling, and pretending it never happened.

So there were a number of experiences he'd never dealt with, plenty of instances where a feeling or a moment had just festered inside of him, eating him away from the inside. And like today, sometimes those feelings would arise in strange and unpredicted ways.

Dr. Copeland had given him a few tools to manage these instances, ways to recall the cause of the reaction and process it.

So he chose the one that always seemed to work best ... sitting in the floor of his shower, the lights off, the warm shower water pouring over him, recalling the memories again and again, focusing on every sense his mind can grasp, until he finds clarity.

He recalls the conversation with his teacher, leaving the building, the drive, the crash. But still nothing more.

So he tries again, this time focusing on the scents. Smells always seemed to jog his memory better than all the other senses, so he starts with the community college halls, an odd smell he never could identify or pin point the cause of, though it wasn't bad. Then the parking lot, the subtle crispness to the early autumn air, the sweet scent of dying leaves, the burnt rubber from his tires skidding on the asphalt.

Still nothing.

So he tries sound. His teachers voice, soft and melodic like a birdsong, the quite conversations and distant voices that floated through the halls, his footsteps as he made his escape. The click of the door handle, the swish of it's hinges, the sounds of distant traffic and birds. His engine turning on ... the music. Some metal radio song he didn't know, he'd probably heard it before, but never really listened to it. He couldn't remember the lyrics or the melody (if a metal song could even be considered to have a melody), but he remembered the rhythm. The drums.

He focused on that, on the rhythm of drums, the feeling of it vibrating through his bike, in his hands, up his arms, inside his brain. And that feeling from before started to come back, and again he followed it. Trying to remember that moment.

He couldn't grasp the specific thoughts that had flooded his mind, but he could catch ideas.

The fear that he would never be good enough.

That no one could ever love him.

That his life was a waste.

That he was nothing but a failure.

That he was doomed to always try but never succeed.

That he would always be caught in an endless loop of reaching and hoping and believing that he could have anything he put his mind to, and falling so far and so fast he never had the chance to catch himself before it was too late.

That no amount of trying would ever make up for the lifetime of mistakes.

That he could never fix it.

That he couldn't be fixed.

That there was no point to any of it.

No point in hoping.

No point in trying.

No point in living.

And then he'd seen the red glow of taillights.

But he hadn't hesitated ... and least not how he'd always remembered. It wasn't that he took too long to realize what was happening, it was that he'd been driving much faster than was safe to start with. That he'd drifted to the middle of the road, then farther and farther to the left.

He hadn't thought it consciously, not exactly made the choice to hit the car ... he'd just ... not tried to prevent it. And maybe he'd put himself in a position where it was much more likely, much more dangerous. Maybe some piece of him, deep deep down let his bike drift into the wrong side of the road hoping something would happen. Maybe that part of him saw that glow of light that meant STOP, and decided to keep going.

He focused now on that light in his mind, the moment he saw it, the basic human instinct to survive kicking in and causing him to swerve at the last second. But still there was that feeling, that dread ... the thought that got overshadowed by instinct and never got to be acted upon ... the thought that he didn't want to survive.

The fog began to slip away, his mind regaining some bit of clarity.

He felt a hand on his uninjured shoulder, and the voice again, this time loud enough, or maybe just near enough, to cut through the ringing in his ears.

"Son? Can you hear me?"

He didn't trust his voice not to sound as weak and feeble as before, with his teacher, so he gave a small nod and a quiet "mmhm" instead.

"Try not to move okay? I'm going to call 911."

That broke him free of the fog, a panic shooting through his veins at the thought of being driven away in the back of some ambulance. They'd have to call his parents, they'd find him in the hospital, and he suspected this time wouldn't end with special attention and care. This time he'd have to explain what happened, and he wasn't ready to do that yet. No, he needed more time to figure out what he would tell them.

"No!"

He practically shouted, struggling to a seated position and wincing as a fresh jolt of pain lanced through his shoulder at the movement.

He met the strangers eye for the first time. She was around the same age as his mother, for a moment somewhere in his mind he almost thought it was her. But this woman was kinder, he could see it just in her eyes, behind the surprise of being shouted at by some kid that just hit her car, he could tell she was a kind person.

"I'm ok."

He said with as much strength as he could muster, though even he wasn't convinced at the attempt.

The woman seemed to study him for a moment, sizing him up almost. It made him feel exposed and vulnerable in ways he'd never felt before, like she was seeing right through to his soul.

He squirmed under her gaze, and only then noticed her hand still rested on his shoulder. Normally such a thing would bring him comfort, and ground him. But just like her gaze, it felt too vulnerable, too close. Like she was reaching inside him and holding his beating heart in her hand.

"I'm ok."

He said again, more sure this time as he struggled to his feet, bracing himself against this strangers SUV.

She removed her hand, but rose with him, still keeping him in that piercing stare.

"At least let me drive you to the hospital."

There was genuine concern in her voice, it almost made him break down all over again ... though he supposed the first breakdown had never really stopped. Now that he thought about it he could still feel tears slipping from his eyes, his lungs spasming with each attempt to breathe, his whole body shaking with adrenaline and emotion.

And as much as he wanted to let this kind stranger help him, something in him couldn't bear the idea. Whether it was the fear that if he let this stranger care for him enough he might loose the last stubborn resolve he had left and break altogether, or that this stranger wouldn't really care at all and would just hurt him more in some way, he couldn't tell. Maybe it was both.

But either way, he knew it felt safer to figure it out himself.

"That's really not necessary."

He tried, in his best imitation of certainty.

"Son, I don't know much about motorcycles, but this doesn't look fit to drive."

He followed her gaze to his smashed up bike, and he couldn't help but agree with her on that account.

"And you really should get to a hospital, make sure you don't have a concussion and that arm isn't broken."

The more she talked the weaker his resolve became. If he stayed much longer he might give in and let her drive him, but he couldn't do that.

"I'm fine, I'll just go home and have my parents drive me. It's just a couple houses down, I can walk."

He motioned with his uninjured arm vaguely in the direction he'd been driving.

It was a lie, of course. He was nowhere near his parents house. But he was good at that. Making up some small lie on the spot, speaking it in such a way that was entirely believable. He'd been doing it to his parents all his life. It didn't even take any thought now, the lies slipping out of his mouth before he even thought about it.

The stranger still held him in her gaze, that concern and doubt still oozing from it. But he didn't see any point in trying to convince her anymore, so he picked up his bike and walked away.

He could feel her eyes on him still, and some part of him wondered if he was supposed to say something, to do something. He wasn't sure what one was supposed to do when you smash into someone else's car while having a mental breakdown, but just walking away didn't seem quite right.

But he couldn't bring himself to care enough to figure it out. So he kept walking. The handles of his bike shaking under his trembling hands; he was certain if he didn't have his bike beside him he'd have collapsed onto the road by now, his shaking legs feeling too weak to support him.

But he kept going.

Kept walking.

Until he heard the strangers car start, the roll of her tires fading farther and farther down the road until it was silent again. He wanted to look back to make sure she was gone, but he was afraid if he stopped for even a second he'd never be able to start walking again.

He wasn't sure how long he walked for. He wasn't even sure where he was at this point. Time always seemed different on a quiet walk like this. And even though the looming dread of facing his parents still lingered in his mind, it seemed less imminent. Like as long as he kept walking his problems couldn't touch him. He wondered if he could just keep walking forever ... maybe even walk off the earth altogether.

But every now and then a car would pass beside him on the road, and something inside him would awaken. Some magnetic pull deep down he could almost physically feel. His conscious mind convinced him it was just fear, the lingering effects of such a recent event. A dread that any of these cars might smash into him too.

But deep down, deep in the dark of his subconscious ... it was the opposite. It was desire. A grim infatuation with the danger of such fast and strong machines. The knowledge that in a split second those machines could set him free. Take away all the pain and fear and hopelessness. That he could make a single choice, and everything would be fixed.

If his conscious had shared in those grim ideas of his subconscious he might have done it. He might have fixed his eyes on those headlights before him and stepped willingly into their path.

But he didn't.

He kept walking.

One foot in front of the other.

By now leaning most of his body weight onto the bike rolling beside him. And as much as he wanted to keep walking forever, to hope the world would never break this almost peaceful moment, he was getting tired. He was still shaking, his steps slowing each time.

He hadn't realized when, but the houses lining the road had grown farther and farther apart as he'd walked, and now there were only long stretches of grass and trees lining the road before him. Not another soul in sight, no cars had passed him in some time, now he thought of it.

A sudden panic started to flood his veins, but cut short, as if he'd spent all the panic he had; but just enough to shatter his moment of peace.

He had no idea where he was.

And as much as he wanted to, he knew he couldn't walk much longer.

Reality came crashing down all around him again, smothering him beneath its weight.

He was alone, somewhere he didn't know, no one in sight to help him, his parents waiting at home to demand an explanation, to tell him what a failure he was. And that feeling of being trapped came flooding back. He was a caged animal, powerless, no options, no choices, no freedom. Just the unknown empty stretch of earth before him, and his parents inevitably waiting to destroy him no matter which direction he chose.

His bike slipped from his grasp, crashing to the ground beside him. And he, too, slumped to the ground next to it, his head falling into his hands.

All he could do was sit there on the side of the road and cry. Deep down his conscious was embarrassed for doing it out in the open where anyone could find him, but he was too exhausted to care. Nothing mattered anyway.

So what if someone found him like this?

They wouldn't stay anyway. Wouldn't even spare him a glance. He was invisible, nobody cared, nobody had it in them to spare the time or energy. He was too broken, too far gone.

He was beyond saving.

Everyone knew it.

And now he did too.

He started to wonder if he'd ever stop crying, or if he'd finally broken all the way and he would just keep crying until his body had nothing more to give and he died.

Maybe his soul was pouring out his eyes with his tears, maybe his life would just spill out of him and soak into the ground beneath him.

Maybe beautiful flowers would grow from it and colour the side of the road forever. Maybe children would look out the car window as they drove past and ask their parents why the flowers grew in just one spot, and how they came to be such beautiful and vibrant colours.

And maybe some sad soul walking down the street would see the flowers and understand how they came to be. Maybe they would know it was the last piece of Evan Buckley, a sad soul in his own right, a broken, cheap imitation of human life. Only beautiful, only meaningful and important in death.

Maybe that's all he'd existed for at all.

To die.

Maybe he was like a firework, worthless and pathetic until his destruction ... made only for his destruction.

It was a strange concept, a thing created only for the beauty of its end. To be useless and a waste of materials and space as long as it exists, but to bring such joy and wonder as it shatters.

He wondered if that would make a difference, make it all mean something. That maybe he did have a purpose ... a reason for existing, even if he would never get to experience it for himself. He wasn't sure if it was a comforting thought, exactly. Some part of him disliked the idea that his only purpose and value was in what he could provide for other people. But then again he didn't understand how his life could ever have value at all.

And so again his parents voices returned to his mind, telling him all the ways he was failing. But he was too spent to spiral further, the voices just soft whispers in his mind without venom. It was almost grounding in a strange way, reminding him of the present reality.

The sun was setting, casting an orange glow over the world around him. Long shadows drawing macabre figures on the ground that matched the looming dread inside him.

His bike was still on the ground beside him, his shirt soaked with tears. He wasn't shaking anymore, but his shoulder still hurt, and his head did too. He couldn't remember if his head hurt before he sat down on the side of the road crying for unknown hours. He might have a concussion, even though he was wearing a helmet ... but then again too much crying always did give him a headache too.

And he might be a worthless, dumbass failure, but he was smart enough to know a trip to the hospital was in his future.

He had no idea where the road ahead would take him, but he knew if he went back the way he came he would find his way to familiar roads eventually, and from there easily enough to the nearest hospital.

So he steeled himself for the journey and rose to his feet, taking his bike in tow beside him once again. The walk was much the same as the first time, but as he approached the strangers house his heart began to beat faster, fluttering with the slightest of panic that she might be there, might notice him. And how would he explain still being in the same clothes, his damaged bike still rolling beside him, clearly having taken no trip to the hospital or gone home.

But his trip remained unhindered, so even if she was home, he suspected she hadn't noticed him walking past her house again.

Rather uneventfully, he eventually made it to the hospital, and by the time he made it to the doors he'd once again put on his best mask of normalcy. Just an average young man who happened to find himself in an automobile accident, not a sad broken soul who's life might have ended hours ago if he'd only thought about it the slightest bit harder.

And the rest was as he always remembered. Checking into the hospital, being treated and discharged, going to Maddie to fix it ... and she had. Though he'd never realized just how much she really had helped.

With hindsight now, and clarity for the subconscious thoughts of his mind, he wondered how much longer he'd have survived living in his parents house. If one more day, maybe even one more night might have been all he could take.

It was a terrifying thought.

And more terrifying still was the way he realized the feelings he'd felt on the freeway today were just an amplified version of something he was quite accustomed too. The feeling he got everytime he crossed the street, or did something risky at work. That pull, that magnetism; that feeling of something inside his chest being drawn to something, to danger ... to death.

He'd told Natalia he was old acquaintances with death, and he realized now just how accurate it was. Not only because he had died, but because most of his life was spent with death reaching it's hand out to him, and that thing inside him reaching back.

Even in his coma dream, when he'd died and yet lived again. Nearly every manifestation of his mind was trying to keep him there ... to let him die. Yes they'd appeared as his parents, as Daniel, even Chimeny and Christopher. But it was his own mind. It was that voice inside that seemed to have been born the day he first thought of ending his life, and existed only for that purpose. To remind him of that desire, to reach out to death.

And even if he'd never quite been aware of it until this moment, somehow he knew he'd never be free of it. That as long as he lived, so would that thing in the back of his mind whispering sweet songs of peace and quiet and freedom that can never be found in the world of the living.

It scared him, the thought that one day that voice might win. But it was a quiet fear, a shadow in the corner of a well lit room that's always there but rarely troubles you.

He knew he was okay now, he didn't need to heed the voice or the worry of its message. When it spoke again, he'd deny it again, as was their dance.

And if some day he listened?

Stopped fighting the voice and embraced it?

Well he'd just have to face that time when it came.

And not waste the moments the voice was silent in worrying it might speak up.

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stargoyle · 6 months ago

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Vent below

I'm genuinely thinking about quitting my job like it is stressing me out to the point where when I get home I cannot relax because I'm worried about work. I've come in early and stayed late nearly every day for the past two weeks and it always seems like there's an impossible amount of work to be done. We're constantly understaffed and if anything goes wrong it's us (the closers) that are blamed for it.

I thought that I've been handling the stress okay, like I've seen my coworkers break down on the job and I figured since I wasn't doing that bad that I was okay. But I have not been able to sleep properly and have been having anxiety attacks whenever I even think about work.

The entire reason I got this job was because it paid well and I needed money for tuition but what is the point if I'm failing my classes because I am too busy to do homework. Working til 1 am while having class at 9 the next day means I'm too fucking tired to concentrate on anything. I also haven't had any time to work on my artwork which is the entire reason I'm going to school.

My savings can get me through being unemployed for a while and I still have my weekend job as well. At this point I don't think the money is even worth it. I just need a break.

#text post #vent

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whoiskt · 6 months ago

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I didn't do my end of the year questions last year and it messed up the year for me so HERE YA GO:

1. What did you do in 2024 that you’d never done before?

Man, I don't know really? I feel like I used to have so many each year and now I'm struggling to think of any. I went to LA for the first time?

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I don't know what my resolution was but I'm pretty sure I didn't do it.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

No.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No, but basically yes. That's me being a touch dramatic but like, it really does feel like a certain someone died.

5. What countries did you visit?

None.

6. What would you like to have in 2025 that you lacked in 2024?

Clear skin.

7. What dates from 2024 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

None, shit memory, nothing crazy happened this year.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Surviving. It was a bit of a rough one.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I would have liked to achieve more and be more confident in myself by now. It's mostly many small failures in that way. Like, I'm still mad at myself for not presenting my finals well. I did fine in class overall but it was a bit of a bummer at the end there.

Also like, my financials in general are very not great.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Not really, which is good. I had the flu which was scary for a hot second because I had a 104° fever that wouldn't break, and I ain't got no health insurance so I was worried I was going to be forced to go to the doctor and pay out of pocket, which lead to me having a panic attack while already fevering. But I was fine in the end.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

I barely bought anything this year that wasn't rent, credit card payments, or tuition. Or Celsius.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

God, I don't know. Let me know. I would like to know.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled?

Not naming names....... but rest assured there was appalling behavior.

14. Where did most of your money go?

See #11, lol.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

School. But I won't make that mistake again. I think school is bad for me mental healths. But we stay silly.

16. What song will always remind you of 2024?

The entire Arcane soundtrack.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?

SADDER FATTER POORER

the holy trifecta 😎👍

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Make money.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Doubt and despair.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

Went back home. My second oldest sister was with her in-laws on Christmas Day, so we shifted our Christmas to the 26th. So, on the actual day of, I was just kind of chilling with my folks, we had lasagna, watched The Holiday, and played some games.

21. Did you fall in love in 2024?

Oh yeah, always falling in love babey.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Arcane, Blue Eye Samurai, Dungeon Meshi, What We Do in the Shadows, Law and Order: SVU were my lifeblood. Also rewatched Danny Phantom. Started a lot of good shows I'm yet to finish--literally took a TV history class and I have a huge To Watch list.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

(weary sigh) No, I'm not cut out to hate people.

24. What was the best book you read?

Honestly, most of my reading was academic this year so I didn't finish many books. But House of Leaves was pretty wild and fun. That is one of maybe 3 books I finished this year ahahahaha.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

I didn't "discover" Will Wood this year but I finally gave in and listened to more of his discography, discovered many bangers, which is how he ended up as my #2 on Spotify Wrapped.

26. What did you want and get?

Feedback on my art. Got to go home during summer which was nice too.

27. What did you want and not get?

Better. Wait, is that too general of an answer?

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

The Wild Robot.

29. What one thing made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Not dying?

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2024?

Whatever doesn't have holes in it (and some things that have less obvious holes too)

31. What kept you sane?

Friends.

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Well, I support that guy who shot that insurance CEO... Don't know if I'd go as far as 'fancy' though.

33. What political issue stirred you the most?

God... I don't know. I feel like the world is a ton of bricks and we're getting pelted by it all the time. And it was fucking election year, and look how that turned out...... but I will try not to fall into despair.

34. Who did you miss?

I miss my bro-in-law :(

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2024.

I learned something big and important but I can't remember how I articulated it. I've been having issues with self-worth, and often I fall back to old failures to make things worse, and I've learned that focusing too much on failure doesn't just prevent more failure, it prevents any movement at all including progress or success. So, I've been doing better with that.

So, I guess I've been learning to let things go more.

36. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

I had the perfect lyric for this but I can't remember what song it was anymore. It was like literally one random line in a song.... gr... this will bother me. If I think of it, I'll let everyone know and update it.

For now you can have this:

#lifeblogging

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campiona1 · 1 year ago

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neet-aspirant · 1 year ago

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Have you joined any coaching institute like Aakash, Allen, etc.? If yes, then would you recommend it?

hi! okay so, basically, when i was 11th, i joined a coaching institute... not so well known like Aakash or Allen, but one of those which prepares you for both NEET and JEE... and i would not recommend it. here are some disadvantages of joining coaching classes or institutes like these, in your plus 1 and plus 2 —

not trying to shit on these institutes... just speaking from personal experience

the syllabus does not progress at the same pace in your institute and your school. and these might result in you lagging behind with your school... which again, may effect your results in school examinations just because your institute hasn't yet caught up with the school syllabus.

it takes up a lot of time. my friend in is Aakash since 11, and her batch timing is Monday 3:30 to 8, Friday 5 to 9, Saturday 9 to 1:30, Sunday 3:30 to 9... my institute timings were Thursday and Friday 6:30 to 9, Saturday 3 to 9, Sunday 9 to 4... too much, and believe me, continuously itne ghante padhne se ghanta juch samajh aata hai... it's really difficult to grasp the concepts in a monotonous lesson

the teacher student ratio isn't even. for bigger institutes like Aakash or Allen, it's almost 1 teacher for 60 students... as per what my friend said. for me, since it was a smaller centre, the batch was of 15, but still, one to one attention na milne se it's really difficult

in some places (not all) you have to maintain 75% attendance

there's separate assignments and exams you gotta prep for, the syllabus for which might from what's currently going on in your school... so you have to devote time separately to prepare simultaneously for both places

so all in all, this is why i would not recommend getting into coaching institutes for 11th and 12th... because basically ye sab ek factory hai and they are taking in 100s of students each year and honestly? they don't give a shit about you or your academics. sirf paisa lene ka baat hai and jo ek do jan bohot meritorious students hote hai, unko hi jyada attention dekar AIR rank milne ke baad in sab institute apne aap ko promote karte hai...

so yeahh, i feel it's better to take all private tuitions at home for whichever subjects you have... because it saves time and the tutors go according to what's being done at school... and utna pressure bhi nahi dalte so yeahh

#asks

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witchcraftandburialdirt · 7 months ago

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✧ ━━ 𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐂𝐀𝐍𝐎𝐍 𝐃𝐎𝐒𝐒𝐈𝐄𝐑 ; 𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐒𝐓𝐔𝐃𝐈𝐄𝐒 𝙷𝙰𝚁𝚄𝙺𝙾 𝙽𝙰𝙺𝙰𝚂𝙾𝙽𝙴 ; 𝙼𝙾𝙳𝙴𝚁𝙽 𝚅𝙴𝚁𝚂𝙴

⸻ 𝐛𝐚𝐬𝐢𝐜 𝐢𝐧𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧

𝙻𝙴𝙶𝙰𝙻 𝙽𝙰𝙼𝙴: 𝙷𝙰𝚁𝚄𝙺𝙾 𝙽𝙰𝙺𝙰𝚂𝙾𝙽𝙴 ━ The most common translation of for Haruko being "spring child". Nakasone written out as "center", "former" and "root". There's nothing very fancy about his name, he was born in Spring and his mother thought it was fitting.

𝙱𝙴𝚂𝚃 𝙺𝙽𝙾𝚆𝙽 𝙰𝚂: 𝙷𝙰𝚁𝚄 ━ I had half an urge to put "various insults" due to him having a little sister and the chaos that ensues from sibling relationships. He pretty much has everyone call him Haru, he's a very casual person and uses nicknames with everyone he speaks to as well, he doesn't mind them being applied back.

𝙳𝙰𝚃𝙴 𝙾𝙵 𝙱𝙸𝚁𝚃𝙷: 𝙼𝙰𝚈 𝟷𝟺𝚃𝙷

𝙶𝙴𝙽𝙳𝙴𝚁: 𝙲𝙸𝚂𝙼𝙰𝙻𝙴

𝙿𝙻𝙰𝙲𝙴 𝙾𝙵 𝙱𝙸𝚁𝚃𝙷: 𝙽𝙴𝚆 𝙸𝙱𝙴𝚁𝙸𝙰, 𝙻𝙾𝚄𝙸𝚂𝙸𝙰𝙽𝙰 ━ Haru grew up in a suburbian area where he would walk to school everyday with his friends and sister. He had a standard homelife, although his father was often overseas on business ( this built resentment between them ), and still visits as often as he can. Haruko goes home for every holiday though.

𝙲𝚄𝚁𝚁𝙴𝙽𝚃 𝚁𝙴𝚂𝙸𝙳𝙴𝙽𝙲𝙴: 𝚄𝙽𝙺𝙽𝙾𝚆𝙽 ━ I have absolutely no idea where on the planet Runeterra or Earth that modern verse takes place, so where ever that is given that is where his apartment is.

𝚂𝙿𝙾𝙺𝙴𝙽/𝚄𝙽𝚂𝙿𝙾𝙺𝙴𝙽 𝙻𝙰𝙽𝙶𝚄𝙰𝙶𝙴𝚂: 𝙴𝙽𝙶𝙻𝙸𝚂𝙷, 𝙹𝙰𝙿𝙰𝙽𝙴𝚂𝙴, 𝙲𝚁𝙴𝙾𝙻𝙴, 𝙰𝚂𝙻 ━ He's fluent in all of these! He was taught all of these languages growing up except for ASL; this is something he actually took classes for in order to better assist clientele in his shop - and just for daily use in case he needed it.

𝙴𝙳𝚄𝙲𝙰𝚃𝙸𝙾𝙽: 𝙰𝚂𝚂𝙾𝙲𝙸𝙰𝚃𝙴'𝚂 𝙳𝙴𝙶𝚁𝙴𝙴 ━ Haru decided sometime during his first year that university wasn't for him, and he wanted to pursue a different career path. This infuriated his parents, considering he basically blew 6 months of classes - but upon realizing how miserable he was, his mother promised to withdraw him from classes if he finished an associate's degree, which he agreed to ( with the promise that he'd pay them back for the tuition they had saved for him ( she's going to use it for something else for him))

𝙷𝙰𝙸𝚁 𝙲𝙾𝙻𝙾𝚁: 𝙶𝙾𝙽𝙳𝙾𝙻𝙰 ━ I figured it was near black but that felt rude compared to the deep analysis of the RBG properties of Robin's hair, and it turns out Haru's hair has a hexcode of #0F090F with RGB: 15, 9, 15 ( I feel like the "its blood orange" "just say red" meme)

𝙴𝚈𝙴 𝙲𝙾𝙻𝙾𝚁: 𝙱𝙻𝙰𝙲𝙺 ( 𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚝𝚜 𝚘𝚏 𝚗𝚊𝚟𝚢 ) ━ Okay no this is correct, Haru's eyes are pitch black with flecks of dark blue when the light hits juuuuuust right.

𝙷𝙴𝙸𝙶𝙷𝚃: 𝟷𝟽𝟾𝚌𝚖 / 𝟻'𝟷𝟶"

⸻ 𝐟𝐚𝐦𝐢𝐥𝐲 𝐢𝐧𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧:

𝚂𝙸𝙱𝙻𝙸𝙽𝙶: ━ Hinata Nakasone ; 20 yrs ( alive)

𝙿𝙰𝚁𝙴𝙽𝚃𝚂: ━ Yvonne Nakasone ; 49 yrs ( alive) ━ Ren Nakasone ; 52 yrs ( alive )

𝙲𝙷𝙸𝙻𝙳𝚁𝙴𝙽: 𝙽𝙾𝙽𝙴

𝙿𝙴𝚃𝚂: ━ Bonnie ; 11 years ( alive ) Breed: German Shepherd

⸻ 𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩 𝐢𝐧𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧

𝚂��𝚇𝚄𝙰𝙻 𝙾𝚁𝙸𝙴𝙽𝚃𝙰𝚃𝙸𝙾𝙽: 𝙿𝙰𝙽𝚂𝙴𝚇𝚄𝙰𝙻 - 𝙽𝙾 𝙿𝚁𝙴𝙵𝙴𝚁𝙴𝙽𝙲𝙴

𝚁𝙴𝙻𝙰𝚃𝙸𝙾𝙽𝚂𝙷𝙸𝙿 𝚂𝚃𝙰𝚃𝚄𝚂: 𝚂𝙸𝙽𝙶𝙻𝙴

Tagged By: @pitgritted ( Jojo !! I am kissing you so gently ♥

Tagging: @piltover-sharpshooter, @thegoldentigress, @nghtshroud, @manufactoredxbyxdesign, @iedolon, @deathdvncer, @deathfxnds, @burntscars, @fearsgod

#── 𝐃𝐄𝐀𝐓𝐇 𝐋𝐀𝐔𝐆𝐇𝐒 𝐀𝐓 𝐘𝐄 - 𝐌𝐀𝐃 𝐌𝐎𝐑𝐓𝐀𝐋𝐒 - 𝐀𝐒 𝐘𝐄 𝐑𝐔𝐍! ...【 ᴄʜᴀʀᴀᴄᴛᴇʀ ꜱᴛᴜᴅɪᴇꜱ 】#── 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐀𝐁𝐘𝐒𝐒 𝐑𝐄𝐓𝐔𝐑𝐍𝐒 𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐍 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐁𝐎𝐋𝐃𝐄𝐒𝐓 𝐆𝐀𝐙𝐄 ...【 ᴅᴀꜱʜ ɢᴀᴍᴇꜱ 】#[ 𝟎𝟐 ] — ✧.* 𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐔𝐊𝐎 𝐍𝐀𝐊𝐀𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐄 ...【 𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝙲𝚕𝚎𝚊𝚛 𝙱𝚕𝚞𝚎 𝚂𝚔𝚢 】#➤ 𝘮𝘰𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘯

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bywons · 1 year ago

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hii can i know your daily routine from morning to night. i also want to know how you manage writing and how you manage your tumblr. i want to know what major you study. i want to know because i am new to tumblr and managing time is hard for me. if you feel this ask uncomfy, you can ignore me.

afraid you asked the wrong person for this cuz my daily ( mostly evening & night ) routine is VERY different from each other throughout the whole week because of my tuition classes/study schedule TT but no probs, i'll try to give u my routine in the best way possible ^^

𖹭 MY DAILY ROUTINE

MORNING & AFTERNOON （≧∇≦）

6:00 — 6:30 am : wake up time boooo. although this time varies during exam season or when i pull an all nighter/ sleep late cuz i was watching a series, this is the usual time i wake up, or at least try to every single day ><

6:30 — 7:30 am : brushing teeth/skincare etc + morning workout & pilates. i usually try to do the first part is lesser time so that i have more time to workout & stretch ^^

7:30 — 8:05 am : break/creativity period. here i give myself a 35 minute break for relaxation or checking social media / practicing my italian lessons ( im vv beginner >< ) or draw or write short essays/poems or plan out my day which is the MAIN task i usually do

8:05 — 9:05 am ( 30 min gap 4 chai + breakfast break ) , 9:35 — 10:35 am, 10:35 — 11:45 am, 12:05 — 1:05 pm : with breaks, these timing are for my studying, and i follow my study routine for the day >< [ WHEN I DON'T ATTEND SCHOOL ]

1:05 — 3:15 pm : shower + lunch >< [ WHEN I DON'T ATTEND SCHOOL, i return at 3pm from skl ]

EVENING （≧∇≦）

3:15 — 5:00 pm : relaxing & writing for blr/watching shows ( or i sleep TT ) >< ONLY IF i don't have tuitions, when i do, i head out for them around 4:30 — 5:00 pm according to the timing of my classes.

(after break 4 evening snacks/chai) 5:30 — 6:30 pm, 6:30 — 8:30 pm, 9:00 — 10:00 pm, with breaks again, i follow my study schedule ><

NIGHTTIME （≧∇≦）

10:00 — 10:30 pm : have dinner

10:30 — 11:00 pm : ghost around my home / free time TT

within 11:30ishpm : finish skincare,brushing, and take my meds

after that o clock : 😴 but if i pull an all nighter or watch a series with my mum that's another story lol

𖹭 MY MAJOR/STREAM

well i'm still in school so i don't have any major, but we indian students are given to choose between 3 streams — science, commerce & humanities. as for me i am a science student ^^ i have bio, chem, phy, maths, psych, eng !!!

𖹭 TIME MANAGEMENT

again, a hard question to the wrong person cuz my schedule is not constant TT but as u can see there are breaks between my study sessions! i tend to manage my time and do stuff between those breaks, and when life gets too hectic, i take hour long breaks and write for blr! keep in mind, that you NEED TO BALANCE life & social media. find the right time for each of your important sectors like studies, work, hobbies & schedule them out equally! that also doesn't mean you have to follow them blindly, make sure to take breaks, do things that you enjoy & love life & most importantly, your precious self ^^ MWAH. hope i helped ya <333

#‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ 𝒹𝗂𝗌𝖼𝗋𝖾𝖾𝗍 doves 𓈒 𖹭 ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎#LIFE_TWEETS — equilibrium。

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delphidewirests · 1 year ago

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Day 4

26/6/24

Okay, things changed a bit today. May be because my antibiotic course just completed today. I will be dividing the day into 3 parts.

Studying/Working:

1. 3 hours of tuition. Taught with changing level of concentration. It was difficult, I don't know why, but I managed well.

2. Half an hour of note working in the afternoon.

3. 2 hours of reading and working on an online presentation for teaching.

4. 2 hours VSMS write up working. Used pomodoro this time. Not very useful usually, but achieved more than usual today for me.

5. 40 minutes of learning Spanish on Duo.

(not in bed yet, so may be will sit with some more studying before I finally sleep)

Being productive

1. Woke up at 7:30 pretty unusual.

2. Had a bath, took my inhalers properly, had my morning coffee before starting off for tuition class.

3. Came home and ate on time.

4. Completed antibiotic course. Delayed by a day, but I'm working on forgiving myself.

5. Didn't overindulge in movie/series watching.

6. Watched 3 episodes of Dr. House.

7. Slept for 2.5 hours in the evening.

8. The evening tuition got cancelled. So I sat with A Frozen Woman by Annie Ernaux almost for an hour. I was distracted but I read quite some pages.

9. Spent some time preparing compost water for plants, watered them.

10. Ate, did some dishes.

Bad things

1. Transformer blasted, smoke rushed like madness, I'm having the chest congestion again.

2. Slept too long may be in the evening, so no sleep now.

3. I was having some silly confusion regarding how to manage money. I felt insecure, silly, .. May be I have to start another meditation routine again.

That's all for today I guess! I am happier I think.

#100 days of productivity #study motivation #motivation study motivation energy #lecturer #lifewithasthma #studyblr #studying #trying #trying to be positive #trying to hold it together #trying to hold myself accountable

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bafel-franchise · 1 year ago

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