#Honestly I'm just vibing and I know if I don't write it down I'll forget both of them

[phoenixcatch7]

Okay do I make a) my Percy Jackson reincarnates into dc, or b) my loz link goes to camp half blood au.

[ayeliiss]

My two cents on MHA430 and Izuku's character

Disclaimer: this is NOT a hate post against Horikoshi and his manga. Simply, I need to lash my disappointment out somewhere and write my feelings down before I implode. I'm not trying to sound like 'ugh, I know better than them' at all, although I am aware some of my claims may give the 'why does the author think he knows so much?!' vibes, but keep in mind this is just my irrelevant opinion and it won't change anything anyway. So, please, don't come at me with 'lacking reading comprehension' or 'you're coping' (yes, I am) because I feel like fans are allowed to be upset at this ending even if you think differently! To each their own opinion, as long as it's respectful! Also, this might be unnecessarily long so, I apologize in advance.

Discussion about Izuku's character

First of all, if you're satisfied with the ending and what Izuku did/became, I'm genuinely happy for you. Truthfully, I envy you so damn much because I personally couldn't stop feeling empty and crying at night for him, and before you come at me with 'girl, he's fictional, it's okay you'll move on', yes, I know I'm a drama queen and I shouldn't be in one hell of a state for a fictional character, but I can't help it. I've grown as attached to him as I've ever grown to any character before, and there's no turning back. MHA is the first manga that ever moved me this hard and it'll forever remain a masterpiece for me, but it doesn't mean it's not flawed and should be free of criticism (always with respect for Horikoshi's work).

Funny thing is, I didn't even like Izuku when I first met him. He was the typical crybaby and too-optimistic MC I tend to dislike when I read a manga. Yet, the more I read, the more I started to understand him, the more I sympathized with him, and the more I loved him. I realized I related to him to such an outlandish extent, though I know we remain different in the way we act or think. But Izuku, even before Katsuki (and my friends know how obsessed I am with this blond lmao), became my first and greatest over-fixation and my main reason to continue reading/watching MHA. This manga changed my life; Izuku did too, and this isn't an understatement.

Just like him—and probably just like many of us—, I've endured bullying, been made fun of for being different, felt unwanted and hated, been belittled, and treated like shit for most of my teenage years. I think that's what really endeared him to me. I wanted to watch him grow, to watch him make real friends, to watch him receive the apologies and respect he deserved, to see him succeed. I wanted him to realize he was worth it and loved and, oh God, I wish he could know just how much his fans do love him.

And for 200+ chapters, I got what I wanted. Izuku got to live his dream, be around his idol who recognized him, and made new friends who admired him and wanted nothing but to be by his side. Then, the Vigilante arc happened, and everything changed. I won't dwell on the fact that, for me, this arc was the beginning of the decline of his character. It's worth noting though that it's at this precise moment that we've lost track of all his thoughts, but I'll focus on the ending, and how the way Horikoshi handled Izuku's character remains my biggest disappointment.

I sometimes joked with a friend of mine, saying, "Hori's favorite character is Katsuki and it shows so much, he even forgets he isn't his MC!" but I don't think it's much of a joke anymore.

Again, I'm very happy for those who are pleased with Izuku's closure. But, honestly, I can't grasp their process of thinking (I wish I could) because there's no way I can understand how it makes sense. It's not about him being quirkless—actually, I think this choice was cool—, it's about his obvious fucking depression.

After his initial withdrawal, there is never any resolution. He has never talked about his feelings to anyone, never opened up about all the things that bugged him, never taken it out on anyone. He just stopped having development, and never learned how to 'control his heart' (one of the biggest plots of the story, remember???). So, he continues to take everything up on his shoulders by the end of the story, and eight years later, he is feeling lonely, as he says himself:

Yes, I can read, and I know he's also saying he's happy with helping/encouraging other people. But it's literally denial. Izuku is in denial and it hurts me so much. He's alone (I'm not talking about how he's barely seen his friends, I know they didn't abandon him or anything, I'm talking about how he is feeling in general), deprived of his dream, and never got to talk about it to anyone (at least, on-screen. And if it's not shown, then it didn't happen). Even the adults around him don't see he's in pain—or, at least, don't think it's worth addressing. Aizawa can't even simply answer 'yes, you're cool' when Izuku obviously seeks praise and needs nice words after everything he's been through. He doesn't even get fans (except for two, waouh!) after saving the fucking world. He doesn't get a statue, no recognition. Katsuki leads a project for him to get a suit, but not the government? After everything he did? Why isn't he more recognized and acknowledged for his hard work? Killing him would've almost felt like a better choice lol (#it's a joke).

Even if, in the end, he gets to join his friends again and be a hero with them, he's still not opening up. How is it sane/healthy for him???? How will he even be able to maintain good relationships of any kind if there are already so many and huge miscommunication issues?

I hate this—I dislike how it's basically saying 'his feelings weren't that important!'. Izuku deserved better, a better closure. So much is missing from him; from this bitter ending, and I can't find any way to make myself feel better or to cope with it.

I am devastated, I feel empty for him, I just want someone to take him to therapy, to help him.

Some rumors have started to spread, about how 'Horikoshi has been forced to shorten his manga' but I don't believe this—MHA has been SJ's money-maker for a while. And even if it were to be true, the epilogue could've been handled differently. Hori could've focused on the most important parts (that he hasn't even shown/resolved at all) and left the irrelevant ones out (why introduce a new character if not to make us feel hopeful to see Tenko again, lol). He chose to not address the most important aspects of his story (including his MC's resolution and growth) and left us with huge plot holes. And now, we're stuck with our imagination, as usual.

I just can't with 'open endings' and 'it's left to interpretation' stuff. It's too easy to do that. I'm tired of mangakas not taking risks, rushing their own plots, and not digging deeper into their own MCs' traumas. I don't know what happened, but among the many issues left regarding this last chapter, Izuku's conclusion remains my greatest ick. I'm so sorry to say this, but Izuku didn't grow. He never learned from his mistakes and just didn't change—oh wait. Yes, he did change on one crucial aspect—his biggest trait, being obsessed with his childhood friend, totally disappeared! Maybe he started to stop caring about 'Kacchan and the others' and put himself first, to the point of forgetting the said childhood friend died twice for him, who knows? :))) (yeah, I'm especially pissed off at this lol don't mind me).

In my imagination, I see him being a pro-hero who continues to suppress his feelings and continues to act recklessly, to risk his life in the face of any danger that shows up. This is what happens when you leave it to fans' imagination, after all.

I know fanfictions exist, and I'm very happy this unclear ending motivated some writers to challenge their creativity. For me, it had the opposite effect. I'm disgusted, I am angry at Izuku and I know I'll struggle to finish my fics where he's involved because I don't want to deal with his character anymore. I'm too attached to canonical representation.

Man, I'm just devastated. I have no other words. And I'll have to live with this for the rest of my life. I feel betrayed. Shitted on. I'm dying inside and there's nothing I can do because it's over. Just like this long-ass essay, btw lol. Thank you if you're still here, thank you if you've read this! I'm pretty much open to discussion so if anyone wants to try and reassure me over some aspects or respectfully explain why I am wrong (I know I probably am, yet again those are my own feelings), please don't hesitate to do so. Also, I definitely need friends with whom I could talk about this deeper... so, my DMs are open too if you'd like to!

Much love to Izuku though; one of the best MCs I've encountered in my life, despite how he turned.

[beanghostprincess]

Zolu as Taylor Swift lyrics

"All these people think love's for show, but I would die for you in secret." — peace

This is literally Zoro in Thriller Bark willing to die and keeping it a secret from everybody. I want to throw up. They make me mentally ill.

"Your love is a secret I'm hoping, dreaming, dying to keep. Change my priorities. The taste of your lips is my idea of luxury. [...] Is this the end of all the endings? My broken bones are mending with all these nights we're spending. Up on the roof with a schoolgirl crush, drinking beer out of plastic cups. Say you fancy me, not fancy stuff. Baby, all at once, this is enough. And all at once, you are the one I have been waiting for. King of my heart, body and soul." — King Of My Heart

King Of My Heart is so Zolu coded, not only because of, y'know, Luffy being literally the King of Zoro's heart, but because of the devotion and the feeling that nobody else compares to Luffy. Also, the feeling of young love and possessiveness between them is so good with this song.

"And I'm highly suspicious that everyone who sees you wants you. I've loved you three summers now, honey, but I want 'em all." — Lover

Zoro is in love with the future king of the pirates. Everybody wants Luffy. Of course Zoro is going to be jealous.

"Wherever you stray I follow. I'm begging for you to take my hand, wreck my plans, that's my man. You know that my train could take you home, anywhere else is hollow. [...] Wait for the signal and I'll meet you after dark. Show me the places where the others gave you scars." — willow

The devotion. Zoro willing to follow Luffy to hell. Luffy wanting to know Zoro better, deeper. Knowing every detail about his scars and dreams. I'm going insane.

"And if I'm gonna be drunk, might as well be drunk in love. [...] Everyone wants him, that was my crime." — Slut!

Ah yes, being possessive and an alcoholic. Zoro's best character traits.

"'Cause I don't know how it gets better than this. You take my hand and drag me head first, fearless." — Fearless

This is very early Zolu but honestly could just be them being silly and Zoro following Luffy's silly and impulsive shenanigans.

"My thoughts will echo your name, until I see you again. These are the words I held back, as I was leaving too soon: I was enchanted to meet you... Please don't be in love with someone else... Please don't have somebody waiting on you." — Enchanted

Sabaody angst haunts me at night.

"You made a mess of me. I pictured you with other girls in love, then threw up on the street. [...] Oh my, love is a lie, shit my friends say to get me by. It hits different. It hits different this time." — Hits Different

They're so... The one for each other. Their love hits different. For both of them.

"So you were never a saint, and I've loved in shades of wrong. We learn to live with the pain, mosaic broken hearts. But this love is brave and wild. [...] These are the hands of fate, you're my Achilles heel. This is the golden age of something good and right and real." — State of Grace

They're each other's Achilles heel. I'm gonna cry.

"Time, mystical time, cuttin' me open, then healin' me fine. Were there clues I didn't see? And isn't it just so pretty to think all along there was some invisible string tying you to me? [...] Chains around my demons, wool to brave the seasons. One single thread of gold tied me to you." — invisible string

Thinking that they were destined to be together is cheesy af but I don't care <3

"I see how this is gon' go, touch me and you'll never be alone. Island breeze and lights down low. No one has to know. [...] Every lover known in comparison is a failure. I forget their names now, I'm so very tame now. Never be the same now." — ...Ready For It?

Once again saying that they're the one for each other. And also this song is just the vibes. They have these vibes. I don't want to explain it because I got tired of writing this halfway.

"Kiss me once 'cause you know I had a long night. Kiss me twice 'cause it's gonna be alright. Three times 'cause I've waited my whole life. I like shiny things, but I'd marry you with paper rings." — Paper Rings

They're so clingy so sappy so cheesy I don't care what dudebros think.

"You were so magnetic, it was almost obnoxious. [...] I didn't come here to make friends, we were born to be suburban legends. When you hold me, it holds me together. And you kiss me in a way that's gonna screw me up forever." — Suburban Legends

Luffy has always been, ever since they met, magnetic to Zoro. And it kind of bothered him at first, but now Luffy has changed his life forever and he will never love somebody else the way he loves Luffy.

"And, somehow, I know that you and I would've found each other. In another life, you still would've turned my head even if we'd met... [...] 'Cause I believe that we were supposed to find this. So, even in a different life, you still would've been mine... We would've been timeless." — Timeless

Once again saying that I love thinking they're soulmates. Because they are. Argue with the wall.

"I'm yours to keep, and I'm yours to lose." — So It Goes...

I love codependency.

"But we might just get away with it. Religion's in your lips. Even if it's a false god. We'd still worship. We might just get away with it. The altar is my hips. Even if it's a false god. We'd still worship this love. I know heaven's a thing. I go there when you touch me. Honey hell is when I fight with you." — False God

Zoro worshipping Luffy like a God will never not be extremely romantic and passionate. Luffy also sees their relationship like this, kind of. They're each other's world!!! Going crazy!!!

"Put your lips close to mine as long as they don't touch. Out of focus, eye to eye, 'til the gravity's too much. And I'll do anything you say if you say it with your hands." — Treacherous

This is just them pining over each other and being extremely intimate and willing to do anything the other says. I love exaggerating everything.

"They said the end is coming. Everyone's up to something. I find myself running home to your sweet nothings. [...] And the voices that implore, "You should be doing more". To you, I can admit that I'm just too soft for all of it." — Sweet Nothing

I honestly always think about Sanuso with this song because it's way more Sanuso coded- HOWEVER!! I do think Zolu has this domestic and genuine energy whenever they're clingy and don't really ask anything from the other except just being together.

"Big reputation, big reputation. You and me, we got big reputations. And you heard about me. I got some big enemies. [...] I swear I don't love the drama, it loves me. And I can't let you go, your handprint's on my soul. It's like your eyes are liquor, it's like your body is gold." — End Game

Do I really need to explain this one when everybody knows they're literally dramatic pirates wanted by the law? And they're very very in love?

"All I know is this could either break my heart or bring it back to life. Got a feelin' your electric touch could fill this ghost town up with life. And I want you now, wanna need you forever. In the heat of your electric touch." — Electric Touch

When OPLA!Zoro said that Luffy had changed his life. That changed me.

"We blocked the noise with the sound of 'I need you', and for the first time I had something to lose." — Holy Ground

Once again this is about OPLA!Zoro but obviously works with our regular Zolu. Zoro was so lost without Luffy I'm gonna cry.

"One night he wakes, strange look on his face. Pauses, then says: You're my best friend. And you knew what it was. He is in love." — You Are In Love

This is the perfect way to describe a relationship between aroaspec people. Also, this is giving Sanuso too but this is not a Sanuso post I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm so-

"Don't blame me, love made me crazy. If it doesn't, you ain't doin' it right. Lord, save me, my drug is my baby, I'll be usin' for the rest of my life. My name is whatever you decide, and I'm just gonna call you mine." — Don't Blame Me

I don't need to explain this one.

"My hand was the one you reached for all throughout the Great War." — The Great War

I always think about ASL and Marineford with this one but tbh it is very Zolu too.

[darlingkirstein]

can I ask how you go about developing your stories/plot? I think coming up with an idea is (semi) easy because ✨vibes✨ but how to you actually turn that into a story? there's so much (character, backstory, plot, arcs, etc.)

I'm anxious to know how it is your going about developing home beckons the wanderer. Are you using any sort of method? I can't see you using a "point a to point b" method. It feels more complicated.

I know what I want to write but developing that is daunting. (In general and time wise)

Are you at all getting impatient with the development of your stories? Sometimes I forget a story can't just instantly be entirely plotted within the span of a week.

I apologize if this was too invasive, feel free not to answer, but if you do, I greatly appreciate it <3 take care love

it's not invasive at all!!!! these are all super great questions — and i hope my answers can be helpful and ease some fears!! and ofc, always feel free to ask more questions if you have them! :) i'll include some screenshots from my planning documents because i am a visual person so maybe you are too and that'll help :)

every story is different for me, and some are far more demanding and complicated than others. but, generally, it's outline, outline, outline. i have never been able to just write without having an outline backing up, unless it was for a one-shot or something more simple. another tool i have found extremely helpful and honestly essential for me is discussing my barebones ideas with others and watching them grow with the combined brain power behind it. if you have people in your corner supporting your ideas, let them help you!

so, for developing a story, start with your major idea. then, just start coming up with little ideas, anything, doesn't need to be in order. discuss with your friends, whatever helps! write those ideas down somewhere. i personally use a combination of my notes app, google docs, and the app notion to organize my thoughts.

notion tends to be where i start — i'll jot down little ideas i have, basic stuff needed to kickstart the rest. here's an example for the cult au:

google docs tends to be where i flesh whatever i did in notion out and have it more accessible. here's an example from thespian's coquetry:

for me personally, i have recently started spending a lot of energy into the development of the story/background before writing it. that also tends to be why i take forever to update/publish. let me get into the four things you specifically mentioned! characters, plot, backstory, arcs.

characters: stories depend on characters, and they need to feel real and have the capability to connect with the reader! i myself sometimes struggle with feeling like i don't do a well enough job with this. the main thing here is motivation — what drives this character, what is their goal/purpose, what makes them do whatever they are doing for the story? this goes hand in hand with their personality and their actions, so deciding what motivates them is important! this also ties into their backstory, so yeah it's important! their motivation will progress the story and explain their every action, so start there!

i can reference hbtw here actually, because it may be the story of mine where the character motivations are clearest — eren is motivated to go home to his family again, while mikasa is motivated to sustain herself financially by taking eren on their little quest. these motivations kickstart the plot and are essential to how it'll progress.

tldr; start with motivation, build from there, go to personality, hobbies, interests, quirks, etc.

backstory: this can be two things! either it's the actual world-building itself or its individual character backstories. since you're particularly interested in hbtw, I'll reference its development!

this story has been an absolute beast in terms of backstory/world-building development. this is why i say my process is dependent on the story, because this one is very involved and time-consuming. this is the place where you'll need to be the most patient if you're writing anything with a complicated world to develop. i am attempting to make hbtw as original as possible, so that involves a lot of building from scratch. right now, with the help of @strscrossed, i am working on the development of the eight regions in eldevane — this involves geography, economics, people, religion, history, and more. for example, i developed a history of eldevane's rulers and major historical events because, even though the story takes place decades later, i wanted to lay down a strong foundation to make the world feel real. this story is kinda stuck in world-building hell right now because i want most of that finished before proceeding because of how much eremika will be directly interacting with the world and its little intricacies. this is a daunting process, and its time-consuming! more on the frustration later.

basically, overall, my method for backstory development is to take it one step at a time and go slowly. there are also a lot of great resources for developing the world! http://arcadia.net/Cruinne/DnD/Articles/worldbuilding.html#language — this is an extremely (maybe overkill) detailed list of world-building things to consider in fantasy/sci-fi/etc. settings. the details matter, basically! also, consider your favorite medias and look at all the details there that feel small and inconsequential but develop the world and make it what it is. same with characters. what do you find interesting about this character's backstory? it is no danger to study fiction that you consider to be great? if you love it, you can learn from it :))

arcs: gonna do this first because it leads into the next bullet point. when you're starting to develop the plot, what helps me personally is putting a little shape to the plot, dividing it into crucial sections that are encompassed by one major plot point/resolution. if you divide your story into chunks, it may make development easier. for thespian's coquetry, i divided the story into three 'acts' and an epilogue to divide the plot more evenly in my head and make it less overwhelming.

this way, i'm able to break things down — when i think of a new plot point, i sift it between the three parts; where does it fit most? this makes placement of things less overwhelming, because it'll at least be confined to act i, ii, or iii. so decide these major headings and i find it'll help you compartmentalize things more accessibly.

plot: this is where its tricky for me. i have the exact same problem with every single multi-chapter story that i write; i know the beginning, and i know the ending, but it's everything in between that is muddled and less clear.

so, if you're me, you imagine the start, then (or oftentimes first) you imagine the ending — now, what has to happen between those two points for the ending to feel earned? what plot points will draw the characters closer to this pre-destined conclusion? most important in this is conflict. what conflicts happen to drive the plot? there will more than likely be multiple answers. there will be the overarching conflict/challenge (the dangerous journey of taking eren back home in hbtw is the overarching challenge) — but there will also be mini-challenges that serve the big one overhead. this can be inter-character conflict, quarrels, fights, disagreements, etc., but it can also be more external — challenges in their journey, little roadblocks that must be overcome to progress the story and maintain interest. there is only so long that a story can sustain itself without some degree of conflict; if things are smooth sailing forever, what's the point? if eren and mikasa's journey to eren's family happened without bumps along the way, sure it might be cute and wholesome, but it's not interesting, and the beautiful thing about stories is how they can interest and ensnare the reader's attention.

so, create little conflicts, big ones and important ones, and smaller ones more readily resolved. conflict drives the story. i think if there's one thing to take away from this total yap session of mine, it's that. seek conflict, and you'll find a plot.

please let me know if you have any questions or want me to clarify anything about everything i just said!!! i know it's a lot!! but i wanna be super helpful for your story!

now, you're absolutely right about hbtw being a very non-linear process. most, if not all, of my stories are developed like that. you develop as the inspiration takes you — i have been jumping between developing backstory/world-building which has bled into plot point development. it's one big system that works together — figuring out one thing often leads to another eureka moment in another aspect. me and stella developed the religious ceremony for eren's home region and that bled right into the story.

to answer your last question, ABSOLUTELY. i'm a very impatient person in all aspect of life, but i find it so frustrating when the ideas in my head cannot be immediately translated onto page. i was at first trying to rush through hbtw world-building before i was starting to burn myself out and realized that doing that was counterproductive and a total inspiration killer. this has been a very big challenge for me with all my stories. i'm rather meticulous, and i need to know the details and everything before starting, but sometimes i just want to be done with the planning and plotting so i can start. it's a perfectly normal feeling (or, i hope it is LOL)! you're eager to get your story somewhere, and you feel like there's an invisible wall that you keep banging your head against. i know that feeling well! writing can be an exhausting process, but it's the end result, finishing a story/chapter and sharing it with the world that feels very rewarding.

my overall tips for story development:

be patient and go slow — stories deserve nourishment, not ham-fisted neglect! your story deserves the time it needs to flourish!

jot down every idea you have. every single one. even if you're not sure you'll use it — better to have and not need then to need and not have. you really never know!

it's okay to go out of order! don't force yourself into a linear path if that doesn't feel right — it's never felt right to me! develop in whatever order you need to develop.

lean on your friends if they're willing! i probably would've given up on a lot of my stories already if not for my friends. (special shoutout to @random-millennial, @likesunsetorange, @strscrossed, @sinigangsta-ao3, @karizard-ao3, and others for always being willing to help me/listen.)

use online writing resources! there's so many articles and reddit posts (feels shameful to recommend reddit) and such with experienced writers happy to share their experiences and provide advice!

model after media you enjoy — can be books, movies, shows, manga, whatever!! figure out what you think the creators/authors/screenwriters did well and consider emulating it. you obviously like it for a reason! everyone gets inspired by someone else. don't feel like you're not a 'real writer/artist' because you reached out for resources or inspiration. you are real, and you're doing it!

HAVE FUN!!!! i'm a hypocrite because i often take all this way too seriously and get easily frustrated but promise, it's more fulfilling when you're really having fun doing it :))

i hope some of this was helpful!!!! apologies for the total yap session, i know this might be sorta overwhelming??? hope not! like i said, feel free to reach out with more questions, and i'd love to help you out individually if you'd be interested! all love and best wishes on the development of your story — manifesting nothing but success your way, and thank you for trusting me to help!

[memberment]

good morning everyone!

I have ruined my sleep schedule. Someone save me LMAO

(10:00) as I reach the end of what I've written for morning glory, I grow tired. I need to take a nap. Will I finally finish this Fourth of July chapter today?? Perhaps.

But no one and I mean NO ONE is allowed to let me forget I need to incorporate the mostly bit at some point. Like there are so many canon refs in here it's SCARY. I NEED THE MOSTLY BIT IT IS MY FAVORITE CARTMAN BIT. NO ONE LET ME FORGET!

(6:11) this is my third good morning of the day, second on record good morning, first on record crying over my writing.

LIKE WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN THEY'RE GONNA DIE I'M GONNA THROW UP

(I'm literally not okay I need to stop writing tragic creek)

(7:04) Guys I'm almost done with my morning glory reread and when I tell y'all I just nearly died from shock bc Craig casually mentioned he 'Doesn't believe in coincidences.' Like, it's such a benign statement but after WRITING his storyline in Genesis and randomly seeing something like that in the wild that I totally forgot about almost just took me out.

(10:20) Guys after I reread this Genesis chapter and code it I AM OFFICIALLY WORKING ON MORNING GLORY AGAIN LETS FUCKING GOOOOOOOO (This Fourth of July chapter will get finished tn I SWEAR TO HECK!!!!)

(And then I get to read my fav once its like 5am bc I can only read my fav fic at like 5/6 when the sun is just coming up and my room is perfectly cold and I'm almost ready to go to bed but not quite the vibe is JUST RIGHT here's to praying to the gods we don't believe in I get blessed with an early chapter(bc I have literally been trying to space them out and save them and sometimes I do get lucky and get to read two at once and it's literally the best istg))

(11:17) I forgot to reread said chapter and quit at some point but tell me how Morning went from 84.6 (?? ish) to 86.1k?? LIKE HELL YA LETS GOOOOO WE'RE MAKING PROGRESS!!!!

(11:29) It's not, like, haha funny, but I find it so painfully hilarious that I keep going back and forth between writing like fun wholesome dirty mountain kids figuring out life creek and then like them literally DYING for each other with the most gut wrenching dialogue surrounding it all. My brain needs to be studied, I fear.

(3:28) I just spent like the last 30 minutes being a fucking lunatic BACK TO MORNING GLORY!!! We're at 87.1k ... Which like, honestly, for me on hiatus??? I'm kinda impressed. Kinda proud of myself. (Not to mention the other shit I wrote that is not Morning Glory today, because I did write some of the most gut wrenching shit for Revelations just because I felt like writing angst LMAO)

(5:14) I know I've said this before. And I'll probably say it a million times. Jack stands on business and it's so FUCKING FUNNY. Like 'killing him won't solve anything'

'yeah but it'll feel good!'

LIKE OKAY DAMN LMFAOOOO

(6:27) and tonight I shut down with 89.7k

Which like, holy shit, yippie. 4th of July is done, they're doing powerpoint night, and I am just that much closer to being done with summer.

[setaripendragon]

JSaMN Readalong Liveblog - Chapters 2-3

Honestly, I have no idea if I'll be able to keep up with this, the first one took an entire afternoon, and while I have a lot of free time, I'm not sure I have that much free time XD Either way, I'm going to try, and see how I get on, because this is rather fun, if time-consuming. I've never actually taken the time to write down my thoughts as I read a book before. My approach to fiction is generally that if I'm not so absorbed I forget the real world exists, I'll go read something else, which makes this sort of liveblogging a bit impossible. Alright, here we go.

Chapter 2 - The Old Starre Inn (January - Fabruary 1807)

Every time I read or hear 'the old starre inn', my mind puts it to the tune of The Magician in York. (Warning: song contains spoilers up to chapter 4 of the book, I think.)

Narrator: Chapter 2: The Old Starre Inn Me: All on a winter's day~

I find it very interesting, the fact that Norrell gives them no specifics as to the magic he's done. After all, he hangs so much pride on his status as a practical magician that you'd think he'd want to show off. But it doesn't feel at all out of character, as he sees these 'pretend' magicians as so far beneath him that why would he need to?

Which is in such contrast to Honeyfoot's impression of him as 'humble' that it's funny. But at the same time, I don't think Honeyfoot is entirely wrong in his impression of Norrell. 'Shy' perhaps gives the wrong impression, but I get very vivid vibes from Norrell of that loner kid on the playground who no one wants to play with because they're 'weird', except once they settle into their isolation and do something cool because they're just trying to have fun by themself, everyone's suddenly interested in them, and their response is 'fuck off, it's mine not yours'.

"For the nation's good. He is a gentleman, he knows his duty..." This is such an alien perspective to me. I know it's a very common attitude of the time, and something of a theme in the book, but there's a whole commentary here on community and how people's sense of belonging has changed over time that I don't have the brain-power to make right now.

"Magicians in England are a peculiarly ungrateful set of men." I love this sentence. 'Magicians in England' - you mean the rich white gentlemen calling themselves magicians? Ungrateful? Perish the thought! XD

The fact that York is 'one of the most magical cities in England' with the possible exception of Newcastle is such an interesting piece of worldbuilding, and I can't help but wonder if that's a modern (to the book) thing, that simply scholars of magic happened to gather and set off a positive feedback loop, or if there is some in-world... concentration of magic. Given the connection of nature and magic, and the Yorkshire moors being so very iconic, there might be something to that?

Also, loving another little taste of the Raven King mythos, with the mention of 'the King's city of Newcastle'. Honestly, I've never been overly invested in English history (save for Arthuriana, but that's fantasy), but the way this book builds the fantasy on top of a skeleton of truth makes me much more interested in finding out about reality as much as the in-book lore of the place. (Much in the same way Assassin's Creed made me interested in finding out the truth of the history it depicts to better compare the story to.)

I might have to go on a wikipedia spiral about the history of places like York and Newcastle at some point. If these liveblogs don't swallow my entire weekend XD

"We do not care for men who build their reputations at the expense of other men's peace of mind." I do not like this man. (I know I'm not supposed to like this man, he is a representation of the worst sort of self-aggrandizing and complacent entitlement of rich white armchair-scholars, but it bears saying; I really don't like him XD Much respect to Segundus for not punching him in the face.)

"English magicians were only ever given common ivy." Ah, symbolism. I have a lot of thoughts about why ivy, honestly, and I definitely want to do some research on this later, but the phrasing here is so telling. 'Only ever given common ivy', making it so blatantly not some sort of accolade, but something commonplace and unremarkable. There's also the fact that ivy can be associated with neglect, as it's seen so often on old, crumbling buildings, and as a symbol of nature 'reclaiming' or even taking over that which people have built. (Again with the ominous whimsy of this book; the gothic imagery of an old house all over-taken by ivy matched with the tone in which the comparison is made making light of potential drama of the symbolism.)

There's also the correlation between ivy and lovers (ivy clings and binds and twines around things. And I recall reading somewhere about it being used for symbolism in the story of Tristan and Isolde?) but I don't think that's quite as applicable here, even though my brain does love to chew on it.

I'm noticing now, as well, that the author makes excellent use of 'show don't tell'. Instead of simply telling us that the room was noisy and everyone was shouting over each other, though we do get told that, we're also given the example of an old man being very passionate about some point that no one can actually hear over the noise.

I find it interesting because I've been reading a lot of things expressing frustration with the maxim because, I think, people take it too literally. That you must never tell, and only show, which of course will absolutely ruin your pacing and make your story very boring. But this, here, is what I think it means. Of course we could simply have been told 'it got loud as everyone argued', but the art of writing is not to simply tell people what happened, but to make them feel it. And by 'showing' us this little snapshot, by giving the noise a face in this old man who cannot make himself heard over the din, despite being very engaged in making his point, it makes the whole business feel much more real.

Oh, I feel so bad for Honeyfoot and Segundus in this part. Although I find it very interesting that we never actually got to see whether Norrell did do any magic for them. We cut from him confessing that he's a practical magician to Segundus and Honeyfoot leaving, and we don't actually know what happened in between.

And, of course, neither do Honeyfoot and Segundus. Which is deeply, deeply unnerving to me when I think through the implications. Not knowing where you are is one thing, but not knowing where you have been is a whole nother level of creepy. And yet, the narrative doesn't treat it as a particularly horrifying occurance. (Again with the ominous whimsy.)

There is something of a theme of this, too, in the book, with the truly horrifying things that magic makes people capable of being treated as a sort of just a thing magic can do, rather than lingering on the violations of privacy, personhood, and autonomy. Not to say that I feel that the narrative is treating them as inconsequential or in some way not as bad as they really are, but that it doesn't pass judgement on it, and lets you draw your own conclusions (which is a bit refreshing in this resurgence of purity culture in fandom at the moment).

Like, here, Segundus doesn't react with any particular horror or upset at his confusion and disorientation. Which, honestly, I find only heightens my own horror. He's just... sort of vague and fuzzy about it all, even in his emotional reaction to his memory being vague and fuzzy. (Like how someone with mind control telling someone to 'do a bad thing' is not nearly so horrifying as someone with mind control telling someone that 'you want to do a bad thing')

I find this part particularly gave me shivers, when Segundus and Honeyfoot are being questioned about the library and they're asked of the books:

"Had they been permitted to take them down and look inside them?" "Oh, no."

Like, everything else we hear from them is just... an obfuscation of the facts? There were a lot of books in the library, some of them were very rare, and that's the impression they've been left with even if they can't remember the specifics, but that? That, we know for a fact to be false.

Which then very abruptly throws Segundus's previous assertion that he knows for a fact that he hadn't seen any magic done into doubt.

Honestly I think that whole sequence is masterfully done. Because at the time, the way Segundus explains it, we're given no reason to doubt his assertion. He says he feels as though he saw magic, but knows for a fact that he didn't. Which can very easily explain away his awareness of the extra lighting and the... (I keep wanting to call it a maze-array, but that's the wrong fandom XD) directionlessness of the hallway, as him having the sense of magic, but not, actually, knowing for sure it was such because neither he nor us the audience were shown Norrell actually casting those spells.

Except then we get that blatant untruth, and suddenly that blank space of time between Norrell's confession at the end of chapter 1 and Honeyfoot and Segundus leaving at the beginning of chapter 2 just opens up with posibilities.

There's also the contrast between Honeyfoot merely being affected in the moment he tries to explain, and Segundus having felt 'heavy and stupid' for the entire week in between meeting Norrell and meeting with the Society. I do love how clear it is already that Segundus is sensitive to magic, the way he noticed so clearly the magical lighting and direction-obfuscation in the last chapter, and now this.

"Other men may fondly attribute their lack of success to a fault in the world, rather than to their own poor scholarship." "But what is my reward for loving my art better than other men have done? For studying harder to perfect it?"

Ooooo burn! He's so catty. What an asshole (affectionate)! Not to say that the Society (and Foxcastle in particular) don't thoroughly deserve it, of course. Everyone in this room is so ready to be offended, they're actively looking for reasons. Their lives must be so incredibly boring that this is how they choose to entertain themselves, holy shit XD

Oh, god. This attorney guy. Robinson. He is so... He's something, alright. "He was so clean and healthy and pleased about everything that he positively shone, which is only to be expected in a fairy or an angel, but is somewhat disconcerting in an attorney." No kidding. And during the whole scene he's so... blandly inoffensive and faux-innocent and defferential that it puts my hackles right up. He is deeply unnerving to me.

'This would be only fair' he says, of a deeply unfair and rigged agreement designed solely to punish them. 'Then surely they would recognise magic when they saw it' he says, as if he's not perfectly aware that they've just been given an incentive to fucking lie about it. 'All your friends have done it' he says, as the only argument he can come up with to try and coerce Segundus into signing the agreement. (Once again, much respect to Segundus for not punching this guy in the face.)

Yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck. Creepy motherfucker.

I love the descriptions of scenery and environment in this book so much, they're so damn evocative:

"The very voices of York's citizens were altered by a white silence that swallowed up every sound." "The winter gloom was quite gone, and in its place was a fearful light; the winter sun reflected many times over by the snowy earth."

Oh. Hmm. I can't be sure, but I think this is the first time the narrator has inserted themself quite so blatantly into the narrative. Things have been couched as observations before, but I don't remember before this the narrator actually referring to themself, or directly addressing the reader, or positing an opinion of their own? (I may have to go back and listen to chapter 1 again to check...)

"brooding blue shadows of the cathedral's west face" "sailing magisterially around the corner like a fat black ship" "he had a strong thin face with something twisted in it like a tree root" More great description and more adjective-adjective-noun phrases.

And then we come to Segundus and Childermass's second first meeting. Again, I feel so bad for Segundus, having his mind and memory messed with like this, but, if you'll excuse me a moment, -shipper goggles on- Segundus still remembers him! "I've seen you... I can picture you! Oh, where?" Can't remember so much as taking down the books that so enthralled him in the library never mind reading them, but he remembers Childermass.

"He thought John Childermass very insolent." Aaaaa, that's my blorbo! He's so cheeky, I love him so much.

"Several looked about them before going inside, as if taking a last fond farewell of a world they were not quite sure of seeing again." And we end the chapter on yet another absolutely magnificent line. Not quite the almost-cliffhanger of the first chapter, but still extremely tantalising, baiting the reader with questions about what, exactly, is going to happen next.

Hmm. Since this one isn't quite as long as chapter 1, I think I'm going to stuff chapter 3 in here, too; try and condense things a little bit XD

Chapter 3 - The Stones of York (February 1807)

"The cold of a hundred winters seems to have been preserved in its stones and to seep out of them." I have been in old churches and this is entirely accurate. I've said it before and I'll say it again, the description in this book is really top tier. Simple, but incredibly evocative and poetic.

"Bells often went with magic, and in particular with the magic of those unearthly beings, fairies." More symbolism, and this one I know less about, but at the same time, it feels right in a way I can't actually explain. Just that the vibes, the atmosphere it creates of bells being this ominous sound associated with something dangerous.

That being said, on thinking about it, I find it very odd that bells are symbols of fairies in this book for two reasons. One is the way that humans often get referred to as 'Christians' as a whole (I remember this gets explained later as a consequence of fairies being bad at telling the difference between humans, I think?), and church bells are the most commonplace example of bells I can think of. So why, then, are bells so specifically associated with fairy magic when there's such a strong connection to the way the book talks about the people who are not fairies?

And also, one of the primary uses of bells, with more significance in the past but with the tradition continuing on to this day, is to tell the time. To put order and structure on the otherwise abstract passing of the day. Which is in direct contrast to everything else we've been told about magic so far. Magic thrives in the places that are not structured to suit humans. Trying to impose scientific reason on magic kills it.

...Okay, I am definitely reaching here, but it just occurred to me that the other primary use of bells is as a warning. I can think of a bunch of examples; ye olden ships and fire-engines, castles and forts and such. All used to say 'something is wrong, action must be taken to avoid disaster'. And that makes me wonder if the bells are less a product of the fairy magic and more, perhaps, some other magic acting as an alarm.

And the only person I can think who could have cast such a wide-reaching, long-lasting spell would be the Raven King. And wouldn't that make sense? Wouldn't a King want to have a warning that some other being is trying to abduct one of his people?

...I'm reaching, but I really like this theory actually. Even though we knew the Raven King had no compunctions about stealing his own subjects away himself. (I still think it fits, as a King would feel entitled to privileges that others would certainly not be permitted.)

Which is a whole 'nother thing I have thoughts on. It's very interesting that the second real bit of information we get about him (after the bit about him having 'only three' Kingdoms being mentioned in one of Norrell's books. I think that's the only time he's actually directly named before this?), is that despite being an Englishman, he has the fairy habit of abducting people to other lands. And that ballad about it!

"The priest was all too worldly, Though he prayed and rang his bell, The Raven King three candles lit, The priest said it was well."

What is this? What does it mean? It does answer a bit of my speculation about bells, I think - they're used as a warning/warding off it seems (given that it's paralleled with praying) - but then there's that bit about the Raven King lighting candles and this, presumably, causing the priest to say 'oh alright then, do carry on'? I'm gonna have to keep my eye out for any more candle symbolism as well, I think.

"This land is all too shallow, It is painted on the sky, And trembles like the wind-shook rain, When the Raven King goes by."

-shakes fist at the author- You weren't content giving me chills with your description in prose, now you're doing it in verse?! -weeps- God. God. I don't have words for how this makes me feel. I am going fucking feral. I want to print this song out so I can eat it. Fuck.

And it's followed up by the narrator absolutely roasting the Magicians of York, which is making me cackle far more than it probably should because I'm still high off that absolutely unnecessary bit of poetry.

I love the way the narrative builds up to the magic. We get the bells, and then a voice, and then what it's saying, and then another one, and then that it comes from a statue, and then the rest of them, and between all of it we get these elaborate descriptions of the magicians reactions and fears.

Going back a little bit. The tale of the girl with the ivy leaves in her hair. This coming in the very next chapter after we were told that magicians are associated with ivy I think can't be a coincidence. And I wonder if the girl being a magician might not be a part of why the stones care so much about her murder? Not that I think murder inside a cathedral is all that common, but I find it hard to believe it only happened once in over 500 years.

"Kings, even stone ones, dislike above all things to be made equal to others." Hmm. Given how many Kings we have this story, I have a feeling this is Significant.

The fact that the stone statues that were to be repaired flinched from the chisel is... Oof. The idea of stone having a concept of harm, enough to fear it, is wild. And it raises the question of how... aware of what they are the statues are. Obviously we have the examples of kings bickering and quarrelling because they do believe themselves to be kings. But are they aware that they are statues of kings, or do the truly believe themselves to be those kings? The first statue seems aware, talking about how 'no one saw but the stones', instead of 'I saw'.

And if they know that they're stones, then... what does it say that they're afraid of the very thing that created them in the first place? Or is the fear of being 'remade' into something different? Is it particular to that statue, and another might welcome the chance to transform?

...Apparently I am my father's child.

My dad: But what is it like to be a tree??? -overthinks it- Me: But what is it like to be a stone??? -overthinks it-

I love this conversation between Segundus and Childermass. Childermass is coming at the thing so side-ways and sneaky, and yet... he's so blatant about it? It's so obvious right from the very start that he's leading up to something, and then he just... waits for Segundus to offer, instead of actually just asking? It's such a weird approach to take.

Also, the fact that we get another of those lovely poetic descriptions of the snow and the clouds as Childermass is waiting really gives the sense of a long drawn-out silence, and I can't help but laugh at the idea of this bizarre little stand-off, these two men just... staring at each other in the snow.

-shipper goggles on- "Until all the world contained was the falling snow, the sea-green sky, the dim grey ghost of York Cathedral... and Childermass." Perhaps it's an aspect of the audiobook that doesn't come through quite as strongly in the text, but the weight put on that last? Putting him on the same level as these... rather ephemeral, magical things, the natural phenomena of the snow and the sky, and the 'ghost of York Cathedral'? As well as the contrast of these... pale, dim, ghostly things, to Childermass who's so often described as dark and ragged. Even without that description here, it makes his presence so stark against this hazy, light backdrop. (And all this implied to be from Segundus's persepective =3)

And then there's all those compliments Childermass pays Segundus once he's gotten what he wanted, too XD (Even if I do kind of get the sense that Childermass doesn't necessarily mean them entirely as compliments. I don't think he thinks very well of people who are too obliging, tbh.)

You know, this is very much my brain veering off into the wilds here, but the thing about Mr Honeyfoot pursuing the tale of the girl with the ivy leaves makes me think of... this idea I've had for a while, mostly inspired by a JSaMN fanfic, On the March, where Childermass 'wakes up' the Yorkshire moors, and the notion of how magic, which in this book is so tightly tied to nature and the wild, could so easily be affected by the location in which it's done.

And if a place like York Minster can be aware of what's going on even when magic isn't being done upon it... then are the stones aware of Mr Honeyfoots efforts on their behalf? Do they see, for whatever value of sight they possess, him fighting this battle for them, and does this earn him anything from them? Can a stone feel gratitude? Is there some reciprocity or good will there? Does Mr Honeyfoot forge a bond of some kind with, or win the favour of, the Stones of York Minster?

There's a fic in this somewhere. (Mr Honeyfoot gets into a disagreement inside the Minster, and a stone drops onto the head of his adversary. Crumbly old buildings, you know, someone ought to check and make sure it's not going to happen again!)

'The Last Magician in Yorkshire' Now there's a phrase you could build an entire other story around. Another quite powerful end to a chapter, though not quite as gripping as the last two.

Well, I'm glad these two were somewhat shorter than all my thoughts on chapter 1. And I'm now more than half way through this week's chapters. I hope I'll be able to get 4 and 5 done tomorrow (or later this evening, maybe, if I feel like it?)

[fandomfluffandfuck]

Are you being completely truthful with your bio? You have a somewhat juvenile writing style even down to the ✨word✨ and your writing reference for male arousal is strangely written and a little inaccurate. Your obsession with objectifying and writing porn of real life men with wives and families makes you look like either a really creepy adult, or a kid that doesn’t know any better. Do you think it’s ok for a straight man your age to objectify a female actress in this same way?

Not to mention your pinned is from 2020 so you would have been 16 when you made the account that says “minors do not interact” in all caps

The mentions of collage are interesting as well, what the hell are you majoring in anyway? Did you forget to update your age and this is your last year? Or were you actually running an 18+ account while 16? And honestly I’m assuming you were probably younger.

Your alias is S.

You go by sir and but you use very cliché and juvenile language, “I’m more friendly than I look, I promise 😅” “I’m a dyslexic fanfic writer *existencial sigh*”

it’s got the same vibe as, “he’s standing right behind me isn’t he 😬”

Just don’t lie about this shit when you’re writing porn. You’re going to be prayed on. Just be safe with it and keep it on a private account.

I believe this ask and these following asks come from the same person or from affiliated people because they all were sent in around the same time and are all orbiting the same topics, so I'm looping them together:

"Hey man, how old are you exactly?"

"What r u studying? Writing I assume? But I feel like you’d be qualified to teach the class 😏"

"Are you planning on making an account solely for your art? You’re incredibly skilled"

"Do the names cate and Lillian mean anything to you?"

"Cate?"

If they're not all the same person or a purposeful group of people talking about the same things, then I apologize to the people I've tacked on to discourse, lol.

Shorter asks first:

I'm in my twenties, and I'll explain the vagueness there in a hot second when I get to the longer, opening ask.

I'm actually studying art, not writing, lol. Writing is just a hobby for me. Thanks, regardless! I don't think I'd be very good at teaching, though 😅 My writing process is a mess, and I'm constantly breaking so, so many writing rules, lmao.

Thank you! No, I don't plan on making a separate art account for fandom or for my actual, non-sketch, finished-piece artwork. I mean, I have art accounts, but they're purposefully not attached to my Tumblr because art is a hobby right now, but I'm planning on making it into my profession.

No? Should they?

No? I'm so confused, lmao. Are you assuming you know who I am, and that's the motivation of the pointed questions? Assuming I'm Cate or Lillian? 'Cause I'm not. If they're people/characters related to the Marvel/Seb Stan/Chris Evans, then I feel like I need to warn you that I'm often fandom illiterate, lol. I don't actually watch TV/series/movies regularly, so... I'm oblivious to a lot.

Okay, on to the longer, opening ask that started this saga of asks.

First, I appreciate that you are trying to keep people out of harms way. I do. Yet, aren't there less accusatory ways to go about it? Absolutely, full stop, I do not want minors--no matter if they're 17, so close to 18 or whatever excuse they may make--in the parts of fandom that are not appropriate for them. No.

However, I, personally, don't think accusing someone of being something and talking down to them, picking apart each little thing about their online presence will do anything to anyone who is already engaging in shit that they should not be. Maybe that's just my hot take, though. I can't say I have the answer about how to eliminate minors who shouldn't be around these places on the internet, though. Unfortunately.

'Cause, yup! I'm being truthful.

Often, I am vague on purpose. I do that because, by the nature of what I get up to on the internet living in a society based so deeply in puritanical views, it's easy to have shit used against you in the professional world. But, whether I'm being vague with personal information like my age, name, location, etc. while getting hyperspecific with sexual shit, I'm still honest.

And I don't know if I need to specify this or not, but just in case I do, it says 20s with an s in my pinned post. Plural. As in 20-29, the range of being in my 20s. I'm in my 20s.

Yes, my pinned post is 4 years old at this point, so maybe I sound more juvenile in it because it's been four years since I wrote that. I have edited parts of it, but not everything. Also, yes, I was 18--closer to 19, but still 18, nevertheless--when I started my blog. So. More juvenile then, definitely. Hell, you're allowed to think I still sound juvenile, too. If you want. You're entitled to your own opinion. If you don't like the way I sound, though, just don't read my stuff. That's simple.

And it bleeds into the idea that I sound inaccurate. I am inaccurate sometimes. Definitely. Not everything I write could I replace myself with whatever character or person I'm writing about and feel like it is accurate to how I would feel or respond in that situation. But, the thing is, for me, that's the allure to porn. That's the whole thing. Porn is fantasy. The way I describe shit isn't literal all the time. It's about conveying feelings. It might not be your experience with feelings of arousal. Cool. Great! Differences are good. Feelings aren't objective. Again, if something about my writing makes you feel weird or feels too unrealistic to your experience, you don't have to read it.

As far as the ethics and nonethics of writing about real people, I've discussed that before (one, two, three), so I won't go into that now, but I would be interested to dig into your notion of how my actions may stack up comparatively to a straight man objectifying women.

I would call myself a feminist. I am always trying to learn more about how to be a better, more intersectional feminist. The swapping of me, a cis queer guy, sexualizing/objectifying other men with a cis straight man sexualizing/objectifying women does bring up very strong feelings in me. It does feel distinctly creepy to me. However, I can point directly to the reason why: it feels much more threatening for a man to talk about women like that. Obviously, not every man is terrible and means to threaten sexual violence to women, and women aren't delicate, helpless little things that must be protected at all costs. However, yeah, like you're getting at, it does feel different, and I have to sit with that to parse out why and what I want to do about it.

Interestingly, though, because of my experiences in the parts of the queer community I frequent, I feel relatively desensitized to mlm sexualization. Like, it's just part of it often, so much so that it goes unnoticed to me. Which, I can understand how people then pick up pitchforks and say no!! You can't do that! That's part of the problem! Or, why does everything have to be sexual with you!! But... that, to me, slides into the censoring, no-kink-at-pride type of discussion that I am not so interested in having at this juncture. There need to be spaces where children are welcome. Yes. There also need to be separate spaces where adults are allowed to be open and honest with all sorts of emotions, including the emotion of horny in a way that's safe and sane and consensual.

I will also note, because it feels worthy of mentioning here, that I have boundaries with sexualization. Real life and online life are different. I'm honest in both, but the rules and behavior are different, y'know? There's nuance to be had.

I don't talk outside of Tumblr the same way I do on Tumblr. Real life is very different to fandom etiquette. Which, I acknowledge that a lot of fandom--historically and presently--is women. Not totally, of course, but a good chunk. Women are objectified exhaustively in our society. So, personally, I feel that it is more than fair for them to then turn around and objective men some. Ever since getting into fandom, I've emulated that because it's the culture here. I've picked it up without really realizing it. Does that mean I feel like it's as fair for me, a man, to take up space in a traditionally women-populated area that's often described as a safe space and co-opt the slang? No. It's not really mine to adapt. Perhaps I should look into that deeper or acknowledge more than I do that I stand on borrowed ground.

Amongst that thought, though, is the realization that I don't talk the same offline because when I'm in the fandom space, I feel a little bit of my traditional socialization come undone. I'm a man. I was raised to crush down emotions and be strong and steady. Sure, I'm a 5'6" twink looking motherfucker, but I'm still a man, and still, strong emotions I might show in real life are met with confusion at best.

Strong emotions like anger or even noticeable, perky excitement when in public do not get a great response. Anger, understandably. I'm very aware of that. I'm not an angry guy, I grew up around a lot of angry people, I know it's frightening--especially when men get angry. I don't think I'm particularly threatening when I do get frustrated, but still, the few times I've been visibly upset like that around people in public, I can always feel women particularly shrinking away from me. It's just not acceptable. But, excitement. Even excitement or other positive emotions rouses discomfort from others in public.

If I express strong excitement or happiness to people who aren't my friends, people in public, I get reactions, too. Women tend to look at me strangely, as if there's something weird about me. That changes if I out myself to said women because it's more socially acceptable to be exciteable or positive if you're queer. Now, men brush me off in that situation. As a kid, that was not allowed because, what are you gay? Why? Why are you excited about anything? Pfft. That's for girls.

So, all is all to say, I don't talk the way I do on Tumblr. And perhaps that excitement/obvious horniness/whatever strong emotion that I do express on Tumblr comes across as juvenile or unmasculine to you. Maybe that's what you're picking up on with my apparently juvenile tone? I don't know.

That all sounds like I'm saying, poor me, it's so hard to be a man, feel bad for me, but what I'm doing is trying to explain where I'm coming from, why I express that way, and how it's different from my behavior in real life. You're still allowed to think I'm hypocritical and creepy, like I'm allowed to explain myself and do my own thing.

Again, I was 18 when I made my blog.

As for what I'm studying, I'm working toward an MFA right now. As it states in my pinned post, I'm dyslexic. Part of my journey in higher ed has been learning--trying to learn, at least, oof, it's not always going well--how to go easier on myself and not stress out over not being able to keep up all the time with my peers who aren't dyslexic. I'm trying not to feel dumber and feel like that's a terrible thing. So, I took a lighter class load when I got to college to go my own speed, I don't take summer classes, and then I fucked up shit with my transfer degree. Meaning, I'm a whole year, almost two, behind with the "average" track. That's why it feels like I'm stuck in college purgatory, lmao.

I use S because it relates vaguely to my real name, that's all.

I offer that people can use "sir" to refer to me because I, personally, like power dynamics in sex and my blog is about sex a lot. I don't feel like "daddy" fits me, sure, partly to do with my age, but really, daddy is a mindset, lol, and it strikes me as much more nurturing and romantic mindset/dynamic. I don't feel like that fits me. I like something stricter. I used to think I was a stone top, lol, and while I don't feel exactly like that anymore, I certainly don't feel as kinky-soft as "daddy".

Sure, that's maybe cliche to say. Cool. Personally, it doesn't strike me as juvenile, but clearly, it does to you, so... okay? I don't know what to do about that? It's just how I write.

Also, it's very amusing to me to accuse someone of lying while choosing to remain anonymous and disconnected from your own blog that, hopefully, contains your age/age range within it.

Reiterating: I think it's good that you want to keep minors out of the places they shouldn't be, I do. That's admirable. It's dangerous for the minors that do step foot in 18+ spaces as well as dangerous for well-meaning adults who unknowingly interact with minors masquerading as adults. But you're barking up the wrong tree.

You're welcome to say that writing this whole thing is defensive, clearly juvenile, and proves your point if you like. (Maybe, fine, I am a little offended to be told my smut sounds like a child wrote it because... yikes. So, I'm defending something there.) Still, I was interested in diving into some of the things you brought up 'cause I think about some of that a lot. Especially about my place in fandom as a guy. I try very hard not to be the creepy guy in the corner 😬

[separatist-apologist]

What are some of your favorite fanfics? You can only include up to 2 LB fics

I was going to wait to answer this in the morning because it's so daunting an ask. But I have to be in office tomorrow and I know I won't have the time, and then I'll forget about this. It's been a long time since anyone asked me my personal favorites.

I put some of them in yesterday's list of elucien recs, so definitely start here. I have to cross post a little, though. None of these are in order, this is actually not a ranking but the opposite of a ranking in which every one is incredible, and written by very wonderful people worth following.

playgirl, by @damedechance. I love this fic. Lucien has an only fans, Elain moderates his chat. She was the first gwynriel writer I ever read. You know I'm weird about Azriel- I don't really enjoy him, but in bookclub, her fic was being recommended CONSTANTLY and I gave it a shot thinking I'd hate it, and she made me insane. The gwynriel fic is Things You Can't Have, and I suggest reading it, too.

Latch, My Fate is Yours; Latch, My Very Soul is Yours by @labellefleur-sauvage. Elucien mummy au and so beautifully done. The author is also an VERY funny person and I recommend anything she writes (such as her 1920's Neris fic And All That Jazz) on vibes alone.

Our Bodies, Possessed By Light @iftheshoef1tz. Azris at its FINEST. If you like Azriel and Eris as a pairing, and you want something that is both achingly beautiful and well-plotted, this is it. This is the fic. Honestly, even if you don't want that, you should read it anyway. It's sexy, it's funny, it's emotional and it's poetic. I think about this fic (the cabin specifically because I'm slutty) all the time.

Crimson Clover, by @thesistersarcheron. Baby's first elriel fic, I heard the sentence "Elain covered in blood" and dropped everything I was doing to learn more. Elain is, in fact, covered in blood and Azriel is pretty insane about it. This author also has a fic bookclub is obsessed with, Viciousness & Intelligence which is Nesta x Cassian x Azriel in a poly bond and another of my personal favorites, Bejeweled in which Feyre is Night Court fae made entirely of jewels and Rhys is...well...down bad as he always is.

Embers, by @ultadverb is my favorite Morlain fic in the fandom. It's so richly written and such a good exploration of Elain and her feelings. She really does Elain such justice. I have it on VERY good authority she's also working on a little monster elucien, and right after I typed that I saw she's actually posted the first chapter, Seven Tears for the Sea, which is selkie Lucien, coastal Elain, I believe. I will be reading that for sure, just as soon as I finish this list, but everyone else should too!

I Believe the Word You're Looking for is "Friends" by @kingofsummer93. Truly Elucien 101 required reading. It's actually on the made-up syllabus I just created in my mind. If you're wanting to settle into a long fic, canon-compliant, adventure fic, THIS is it. Also, people are always asking for BOE smut, well she has so GRACIOUSLY provided it with The Intimacy of Being Understood

Remember, We're Madly In Love by @velidewrites. Have you ever seen one of those really gorgeous mood boards floating around and asked yourself, is that person also an incredibly sexy writer, too? Well I'm here to answer that question with a resounding YES. This is hunger games Feysand and if you've been thinking about reading it, stop thinking and start doing. I don't know when I became a sales person during this sharing of faves, but here we are I guess.

Vanserra Wildlife Rescue by @headcanonheadcase. In the haze that was elucien week, where everyone was creating and I was trying so hard to see all of it (and failing miserably), this fic was a gem. It's meet cute Elucien- he's a wildlife vet, she finds an injured fox. They're both on their way to a blind date (I wonder who they're meeting), and instead cancel to take care of the fox.

Can't Help It by @moodymelanist. This fic was literally why I decided to answer this anon. Nesta and Cassian are in a very toxic relationship but can't keep away from each other. I LOVE this fic, I love their dynamic and without spoiling it, there is a threesome I am still so deeply unwell about, even to this day.

Wonderland by @c-e-d-dreamer. The premise is SO GOOD. Nesta rejects the mating bond and Cassian rejects society. They reconnect later on, and the angst is SO DELICIOUS.

This list is getting really long- I could do this all day, actually. As for my top two @the-lonelybarricade favorites, which is cruel just fyi.

I'm gonna go with

You Look Like Bad News- Elain's neighbor has an annoying habit of fucking REALLY loudly next door.

And of course,

They Are The Hunters, We Are The Foxes, which is the best thing ever produced in the history of ever. Wonderland WHO? This is the shifter elucien romance we deserved, actually.

[liauditore]

Thought I might say hello and make some small talk, seeing that I'm camping on your trafficshipping tag and all.

Well hi! Lovely place you've got here. Fantastic art, GREAT vibes, very nice. I'm specially enjoying your character rambling; your takes on them are super interesting and they tickle my brain 👀

May I send Divorce Fource/Quartet and Majorwood for the shipping bingo? Divorce Fource were a right mess (affectionate <3) and a perfect one at that, but I can't help but wonder how the recipe would have turned out if the soul ties were Cleo-Pearl, Martyn-Scott.

Also there is so much potential in Limlife Majorwood for eroguro if you're nasty. Which I am. Time cannibalism, respawning mechanics, birthday time... blender go brrrr 👀

!!!!!!!

y'all are really enabling my habit of long ass posts huh 😭😭

OK SO first off thankyou so much?? thats so sweet?????? 😭😭 i really don't think my character ramblings are anything special, but i like reading other ppls insane takes so i thought i'd provide others with the same 👍

not to get too into it but i feel like a series like life smp is best enjoyed with your own crazy delulu takes (similar to touhou if anyone heres familiar w/ that fandom). and it makes me kinda sad to see ppl arguing abt whats 'canon' or 'correct' cus that's no fun lol

ANYWAY yeah uh im glad u like the vibes!! :J

TREEBARK

this one first cus chronology. I honestly don't know if there's anything I can say here that hasn't been said before? But yeah they're. tasty. something about martyn waiting the entirety of third life to betray ren and never getting the chance and now longing to have him back. lots of regret but regret. for what. yknow. and ren always looking out for martyn even from a distance. and then martyn losing that connection in limlife.

yeah i can see why people ship lmao

uhh i don't really know what else to write here so have some of my insane ramblings copy+pasted from my shipping doc 👍

Martyn fancies himself a schemer, someone who's not afraid to play the game the way it's intended. If that means earning a powerful ally's trust only to shatter it then he was going to do it. Only, Martyn's bark is worse than his bite, and every night he spends in lying awake in those soft, warm sheets that Ren had laid out just for him (freshly washed too, he might add. Smelled like sunshine) he wonders if he can do it. He can, of course. (he can't. he won't. he's too soft. soft and useless.) He'd cut his head off already. (he wants to vomit) (this is why no one needs you. wants you. loves you) Who cares about other people anyway? He is the only one who really matters. (the thought of being alone makes him want to cry) Ren, on the other hand, is a capable leader. The definition of loyal and dependable, if not a bit dramatic. He struggles with self-worth, being good enough, useful enough, powerful enough. But to others, he's the opposite, caring and protective of any who would ask for his aid. After all, every citizen deserves to live in safety and comfort, and providing that is what a good King would do. ~ Martyn's not as sneaky as he thinks he is. Ren knows. Ren sees the signs. It's a death game for a reason. But he doesn't let Martyn know. He doesn't even hold it against him. He doesn't see the bloodthirst anymore, only the broken pieces lying underneath. ~ or the King's Hand, it was the thrill of feeling Useful, Powerful, Feared (loved). He was going to miss it after he betrayed him, the high of bloodlust, the smell in the air as he charged into battle. (the way his hands held him so gently) For the King himself, deep down he knew it was never to be. He had met a monster, but he hoped his efforts calmed the storm ever so slightly. On some days, he pretends to forget about the death game entirely and imagines the speech he'd give to retire his Hand. "You don't have to fight anymore," he'd say, "I'll take care of you from now on, I promise. So put the sword down, okay?" But in the end, it was all a fantasy, wasn't it?

^ yes this is so cheesy but so are they.

Cry with me again Smile with me again Scream with me again Sing with me again Dance with me again Talk to me again…

"Lower One's Eyes" (Oktavia translyrics)

MAJORWOOD

I think.. I talk too much abt scott seeing as that's who everyone points out when it comes to my headcanons 😭😭 but uh i swear everyone else is just as messed up. and martyn is like. just as bad if not worse (if that wasn't made clear from my ramblings before)

anyway uh say it with me rebound 👏 relationship 👏

i think they're both.. very numb to it all once limlife rolls around. they're just tired and have this mutual understanding and both think they're horrible people. martyn just wants to play the game. scott doesn't even know what he wants anymore.

but ofc, they're both still human and want love and comfort, so they try to seek that from one another. even if it's fake. even if it doesn't matter in the end.

Baby, though I've closed my eyes I know who you pretend I am I know who you pretend I am

Washing Machine Heart (Mitski)

We’re the Delusioned Victim Cash-in Union Praise to the “love” that will bring salvation!  Two fools singing to a shallow melody Restart, reflation, teleportation Time and again we’re stuck in rotation Circles inside a love without any ending

MKDR (SirHamnet Lyrics)

Scott uses Martyn as a replacement for Jimmy and Martyn uses Scott as a replacement for Ren. they know they dislike eachother (see: all of double life) and that only one of them will make it out alive. but they can't get that love and comfort from anyone else now.

also uhhh eroguro my beloved...... im assuming this is getting brought up cus of my mentions of loving eroguro in the past. and yes to all of that very much i agree. but i do have kind of.. a limit to what i do w/ these characters specifically because of the fandom/ccs (at least publicly). if i ever do decide to share the nastier stuff in my head or go into detail on gore and whatnot i'd probs make a sideblog and tuck it away and maybe block scott and martyn for always somehow showing up on my posts lmao

[johaerys-writes]

15 questions for 15 friends

I was tagged by my dear @elveny, thank you so much!! 💙

ARE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?: No! Well, yes, after a character in Greek mythology, but not after a parent or grandparent or anything like that.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?: Yesterday. I was reading the Iliad again for an anon ask and was going through the part where Achilles kills Hector and oooh that scene got hands 🥲 I cry a lot though, I'm a crier, and a lot of the time it's about patrochilles so it's par for the course really lol

DO YOU HAVE KIDS?: Nope.

WHAT SPORTS DO YOU PLAY/HAVE YOU PLAYED?: I'm fairly active generally but I don't play sports at all because I don't like them. I tried several sports while in school before accepting that I simply don't like team sports and I'm not good at them, but I had much more fun with solo sports. I swam for several years somewhat competitively, and I also did track for a while. 

DO YOU USE SARCASM?: I think so? But usually only with people I'm very comfortable with, because I can never know what would go down well or not with a person I don’t know. 

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?: That’s hard to answer because I feel like it depends on the situation. Most of the time, it's body language and their general vibe. Meeting new people can be nerve wracking so I try to "read" them and act accordingly, if that makes sense? I don't want to step on any toes or say the wrong thing so figuring out what the other person's mood or interests might be usually helps. But that often means I miss out on other things on first encounter, like... their eyes or smile or something?? Lol idk man, socialising while on the spectrum is hard 🥲

WHAT'S YOUR EYE COLOUR?: Brown.

SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?: I think I'll pick scary movies because I do like horror and dark stuff and I don't care if the ending is happy or not as long the story is interesting. 

ANY TALENTS?: it took me so long to think of something for this and I honestly don't know? I'm assuming by 'talents' we mean something you're born with, not something you've worked hard at like some kind of craft, right? In that case, I think I have pretty good visual memory, especially when it comes to books and articles and such, or the written word in general. Oh and I'm weirdly good at orientation, I can usually find my way no matter where I am. Which isn't such a huge deal now in the era of google maps, but back when there was no gps it was a pretty useful skill to have haha. 

WHERE WERE YOU BORN?: Greece.

WHAT ARE YOUR HOBBIES?: Writing, reading, gaming, crocheting, drawing, going to museums! I'm constantly on the look out for new exhibitions and stuff, it's my favourite thing in the world to do. 

DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS?: A darling and dastardly cat, aka my extension when I'm at home. 

HOW TALL ARE YOU?: 1,68m

FAVOURITE SUBJECT IN SCHOOL?: Oh god I freaking hated school, absolutely hated it LOL I can't think of one thing I liked in it. I guess I only enjoyed the very last year of high school when I was preparing for the Panhellenic exams because like... it felt like there was finally some kind of purpose or reason to be there at all, even though there was a lot of pressure. I loved Ancient Greek, Latin, History and Philosophy. 

DREAM JOB?: I don't have one, I don’t dream of labour 🙃 I don't think there's any sort of job anyone could do in this capitalist hellscape we're all currently living in that would be enjoyable enough to make up for, well... living in a capitalist hellscape lol. If I could, I'd just go back to uni, probably. That was my happy place and I miss it. And I'd also write a bunch and read a bunch and take up all sorts of creative hobbies, and probably travel more. 

Tagging forth to a bit more than 15 friends lol sorry (and I know I'm forgetting ppl): @baejax-the-great @thiefylilelf @vimlos @mogwaei @gloriesunsung @aymayzing @cordelia---rose @knicknocknick @aristi-achaion @peachandfig @heypax @darlingpoppet @tevivinter @mary-aries @tragediegh @pikapeppa @figsandphiltatos always with love and without any pressure 💕

[mamamittens]

Where I'm At

This is sort of a brain dump as well as a check in with where I'm at for these various stories. If I forget one, well, that's a statement in itself but I'll add it if it's brought up.

Oh Sweet Child of Mine: One Piece: I still have the platonic Ace, platonic whitebeard, and NSFW Ace ending to do but not going to lie, my motivation for it is quite dead. I'm definitely not adding anymore alt ending besides these though, so consider the story finished as it is. Last Updated: 1/21/24

How our Seeds Grow: One Piece: I'm currently still working on the next chapter, about 3~ pages into what I'm hoping to be at least 10? Unsure. But I'm definitely not doing alt endings for this one. Once the main plot is done, it's done. Last Updated: 9/10/23

A Lone Melody: One Piece: I still have some fondness for this story, I won't lie. But my motivation to write it really isn't there. Was barely there to start with. Honestly, I only really started writing it because it seemed like there was a lot of interest but perhaps it should have just stayed an ask-box fic? Certainly got more fun interaction that way. And it was pretty clear that the reasons I was interested in the story was not the same as why others were interested. Last Updated: 8/13/23

Worst Isekai: One Piece: Due to the general state of my TBD list, this isn't even really started. I have no idea what kind of plot I'll do other than vague vibes but I really do need to put more down to actually write the story. I do like the general idea and would like to make a bullet list for plot but until I have any idea what I'm doing, this can be considered a proto-story. Still workshopped and all that. No chapters currently exist in any format.

(No working title): One Piece: currently just a self indulgent fic I've been tooling for myself shipping Nikia (OC/SI) with Thatch and now perhaps Izou. No current chapters exist online, though I've written some for it. Including smut.

Let's Get Crackin': Pokemon: A fun new idea born of my revitalized interest in the franchise. Still tooling things and have a handy document with vague plot details. I likely won't start writing anything until I at least have a set beginning/middle/end. A sort of trial run to see if this helps me actually complete a work since my fics usually die if I falter in the middle and lose interest due to frustration. No current chapters exist.

We're leaving the Tumblr fics at this point so if one slipped my mind, well... yeah.

A Friend of Charlotte: FNAF: Security Breach: I really like the general story and vibe I've made for Blaire and would like to write more, but my motivation currently just isn't there. I'd be really depressed if I finally gave up and dropped it though, as there's a lot more for her that's been left unwritten at this point. Last updated: 8/27/23

Python Scramble: FNAF: Security Breach: Also a considerable fondness, I've just once again run into the issue of bridging the start to the finish. It's where I usually tend to stall--hopefully with more careful plotting this won't keep happening but I guess we'll see. Last updated: 2/7/22

Dreamcatcher: Hollowknight: Ah, the baby of my very intense Hollowknight fixation. It's been far too long and I just... stopped writing it at some point. I still really want to finish Olivia's story though. Last Updated: 12/6/19

Seeing Fire and Lionhearts in the Night: Undertale/Underfell AU: Basically dead at this point. Really didn't plot this one out to start with, just had a brief, engaging idea. I don't like looking at it cause I just... don't know what to do with it at this point. Last Updated: 7/14/18

Monster I have Become: Undertale/Underswap AU: I could finish this in one chapter (likely a tad long) and be really sad about it because I really could have done better. It would be rushed and not very good, but it'd be done at least. And I don't know which is worse. I don't know. I just... I hate starting a fic and not even ending it. But ending it poorly feels even worse. Last Updated: 6/1/18

I'm not going to lie, this list is rather depressing for many reasons. I don't like having written this list, nor that I have fics unfinished after years despite starting them really strong with a lot of passion. I don't know what happened. For most of them my motivation just sort of... died.

And for the most part, I seemed to be the only one interested so once I lost interest what was the point? It didn't make me happy anymore to use my sparse free time indulging in my hobby like this. So why bother?

but I remember brainstorming these for hours. days. Week. Some even months or years in some form or another. And now I can't even look at them I feel so ashamed. Either it's been so long the quality of my work feels so stark--why bother now?--or I just... don't know how to continue. If it's even worth it to try.

I know there are people who may be genuinely excited to see these update. Happy to reread the story to have all the context again like it was just yesterday that it last posted. And I am so sorry if you're one of them. Because I am too.

It's just been hard lately... no. It's been hard for a really long time. And it hasn't really gotten better. So once the high of a new story wore off... I just ended up leaving. And the cycle begins anew.

I hope this list brings some closure to some of you.

Maybe it's not that serious.

Maybe no one cares. Not really.

But this is for those that still do.

Those that flooded my inbox with hyper, energetic, silly asks. Wrote long, trailing comments and disjointed tags. Got swept up in the moment and took me with you.

And the 'me' that couldn't imagine that a day would come when it's been months or years since I last touched a story I'd spend all day fawning over.

Thanks, I suppose.

And I am so very sorry it's been so long.

And that it may very well be longer still before you see more of these stories or any others from me.

[slowdripsunrise]

jfc okay so i have forgotten/been too lazy to write up reveiws here i apparently havent updated since. lone women which is well. so ive read a shit ton since then so i'm going try my best to write up as much as i can in this post bc i don't want to just. stop and skip over stuff. so well. here we go. spoilers for various books under the cut, i'll tag them all !

first book i finished after i last updated was silver nitrate by silvia moreno-garcia. been a while but damn do i remember the fucking vibes. absolutely killer vibes and atmosphere, and the plot was fun and interesting; i do remember being a bit confused in one of the final scenes fighting the guy but it wasnt enough to take me out of the story. the characters felt real and i could feel their love of movies and maybe each other off the page, definitely recommend if you're looking for an atmospheric, creepy little book.

next (and i'll just group these together) i read the poppy war trilogy by r. f. kuang ! absolutely wonderful storytelling and the characters were interesting and loveable. i think that this story succeeds in being one of the few good "war stories" as in it doesn't glorify or make light of any aspects of the war. there are good moments and bright spots throughout, but in the end pretty much every single character we know and love ends up dead, and before they're dead, they've been shaped so thoroughly by the war around them that there is no way anyone could have come out of this series thinking that it in any way romanticized the events. i loved everything about it and more. but while i did love the series. tbh i don't agree with everyone saying that its the most serious and intellectual and groundbreaking book in the entire world. yes it is groundbreaking and yes it is based on a lot of real life horrific events, but it's also. extremely entertaining. it's written beautifully and has some very poignant scenes that i love, and i am gonna be honest i lost where i was going with this point. i think what i'm trying to say is like before i read it, i saw a lot of people on the internet saying that it is like. the highest peak of literature and such and like. for me, it's mostly just a damn good time. i go into most books looking for entertainment (meaning like. i would like to feel emotions, not necessarily happy ones, just emotions in general) and what i think a lot of people made it seem like, was ONLY an epic tome about the brutality of war, the military, and colonization. and it absolutely is about that ! i am not docking points for it being about those things, in fact if it hadn't had all these hard hitting topics i wouldn't have liked it as much. but it's ALSO about rin, kitay, and nezha, and how they love and hate each other. and sometimes i think people lean too much into one aspect of the book, one way or the other (i have absolutely seen the inverse of this, people forgetting about the colonialism and militarization aspects in an impressive show of hypocrisy. which... is worse imo.) but idk. i have no idea what i am trying to say i just like this book yall.

next oml. okay again grouping them together for my own sake but i read the southern reach trilogy by jeff vandermeer ! this series was such a creepy and weird and offputting good time i ate that shit right up. the first book and the biologists pov are my favorites, and all of the insight we get from her and the first book into area x was just. so compelling i could not put that shit down. i'm pretty sure the second i finished in the hospital lol i was INVESTED. and honestly. i did really like the second book. not as much as the first, but i don't think it was bad or underwhelming compared to the first. once i got past the pov shift, i really liked controls pov partly because he is just some guy. like he is just so average and banal, and seeing this set against the absurdity of the rest of the book was really interesting. i liked how even though we weren't IN area x, the southern reach still had that otherworldly and offputting suspenseful energy, even in a familiar setting (office building type i mean. as opposed to weird as fuck forest). that and also i am deep into my f1 phase so like i kept picturing control as checo perez. like hes just so guy to me like hes just a normal guy that has no fucking clue whats going on and thats really funny and awesome to me. like man. anyway the third wasnt my favorite, but i still really like the series as a whole and will probably read the 4th one coming out whenever it does.

NEXT. sharks in the time of saviors by kawai strong washburn. did i cry. maybe. did i really like the story. yes. it was definitely a change of pace for me after reading the above books but the story was lovely and magical and engaging and very sad and i enjoyed every bit of it.

after that i read scattered all over the earth by yōko tawada, which is a story that i kinda have mixed feelings about? i listened to the audio book and the narrator did such a wonderful job, i loved listening to the two man characters talk about language in the mc's made up language, panska. and if the book was just about that, i probably would have liked it more, exploring language and the loss of it; however one of the side characters constantly get's misgenders when the story is outside of her pov. and it's like. really fucking distracting. so like i guess i don't have very mixed feelings about it lol. i liked one bit, definitely did not like another bit, and the rest of the book wasn't really strong enough to sway me back into the "i like this book and think it's interesting" camp. although if you can get past the blatant transphobia, the audio book really is nice to listen to, especially coming off a post surgery high.

next i read the ghost bride by yangsze choo ! this was another really atmospheric, palpable book. i could feel the setting, the humidity, the smells, all of it and it was so good! an engaging story, i'm pretty sure i read this one in a day or two. the characters were fun, the plot moved quickly in a way that made sense, and exploring the realms of the dead and the living with the characters was so fun, definitely recommend !

im gonna wrap this post up here mostly bc im hungry but i still have a lot more to update on ! if u made it this far thank you and also im sorry. happy reading!

[trilliath]

Hello Dr. Trill, how are you? I'm just leaving you this ask because I have not been on Tumblr much since January, but I found out today that you joined me down the slippery slope of 911LS and 911 fandom (though I stopped watching the latter a couple of years ago and am only reading fics) and it's just nice to know that we still share the same criteria for finding potential in a ship, it feels nostalgic! :P Would you like fic recs or are you good?

Ciaooooooo tesoro mio! It's been too long.

Oh my gosh yes I'm so deep down this rabbithole now, I'm writing so much garbage fic over it. I love that we're still on that overlapping wavelength - so funny how over more than a literal decade we can still go - yes, this. YES YOU GET IT!

Carlos and TK own my whole heart right now, oh my gosh. I'm obsessed. I'm about ready to make myself a supercut of the show where it's only scenes that are relevant to them lololol but I won't because I still love everyone else so much too like Nancy is my girl and jfc we get GINA TORRES I'm dead. Bur Carlos and TK dear god, I'm so deep in writing fic about them I'm literally forgetting to eat some days. I'm scouring scenes for background details. I'm writing stupid meta over clothing choices reflecting Carlos's emotional state. So ridiculous but honestly so fun.

And the whole Buck/Tommy thing took me OUT man, it's so fucking funny, I know I'm a late join to this fandom but I didn't even know it was coming. I just heard people talking about how they were excited Buck was bi, and I saw a few Buck/Eddie gifsets and genuinely assumed that was the canon ship. More interesting to me was all the talk about how we were missing out if we didn't already know that Hen was a hot badass lesbian firefighter so I was like - shit I'll check that out just for that part actually. So I did, and of course I adore Hen and Chim and Maddie and - ok just everyone - and was casually like, yeahh I see why people ship Buck/Eddie, does not vibe for me but I see it, that's nice they got their canon ship... and then I get to S7 and TOMMY shows back up and meets Buck and I bluescreen for a while because ohhhhhk yes, this is the chemistry for me. Yes.

So yeah, in the end I don't ship Buck/Eddie like... at all really. I feel the way about it that I do about Steve/Bucky which is basically... the way I feel about my childhood best friend who is also queer and who I love profoundly and intimately and not like a sister but also not like a lover y'know?

But I will always take recs my darling! Even when I don't ship it, I love all the characters so much regardless so if it's great I'll read it. And tell me what you love about your favorite characters and fav ships! So nice to hear from you and I hope you're doing well!

[otterandterrier]

20 fanfic questions

Took this from @displayheartcode! You tagged me for a different one but I don't even remember what the last sentence I wrote was, so 😅

How many works do you have on AO3?

110

2. What's your total AO3 words count?

367,678

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Star Wars, but used to write for Harry Potter.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

One look and my heartbeat stops (Han/Leia, 197) Hungry hearts (Han/Leia, 194) And I saw sparks (Ron/Hermione, 189) Ignite my circuits and start a flame (Han/Leia, 162) Left unsaid (Ron/Hermione, 148)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes! Because not everybody who reads leaves a comment (or even kudos), so I like letting that person know that I appreciate the extra effort, and I love interaction as part of the fandom experience.

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

For SW, this chapter of Hungry Hearts I think?? For HP, unquestionably, And they put a wreath of flowers over his head

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

God most of my fics have sappy endings lol, how can I even choose.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I did when I still posted on FFN, Home of Trolls.

9. Do you write smut. If so what kind?

Yes I most certainly do! Generally, explicit and spicy and full of feelings. Probably still vanilla for some standards? 😅

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

I don't! And I don't think I ever will.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I've had my fics reposted on archives I didn't authorize, although with attribution. Properly stolen, I don't think so.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

I had two Ron/Hermione fics translated to Chinese!

13. Have you ever cowritten a fic before?

Nope! Maybe one day?

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

Well I have to say Han/Leia don't I

15. What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

I refuse to give up on WIPs. That said, I started a H/L honeymoon fic years ago that I might never finish because it had no plot just vibes. It might get repurposed for another fic.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I honestly don't know, not as in I think my writing sucks, I just can't pick anything specific? Okay, I guess I think I do a good job at getting into a character's mindset and exploring their thoughts and feelings?

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

I write sooo slowly. I'm incapable of writing a "shitty first draft"; I need to get my ideas down as closely as possible to the way I want them to on the first try. It's not because I need it to be perfect, it's just that if I write something down differently then I think I'll forget the way I wanted to do it.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I mean, I am writing everything in another language already lol. But pretending I'm not... I think as long as it's genuinely respectful and researched, go for it!

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Harry Potter

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

That's like asking about your favourite child (yes I know that's a cliche, but really). Also, I have a terrible memory and don't reread my fics often. Some of my faves are Under starless skies we are lost, keep with me forward (all through the night) and Homecoming.

Tagging a few writer friends, if you want to do it! @lajulie24 @walkawaytallblogs @diplomaticprincess @madame-alexandra @virtie333

[pipermca]

Very Quick TFCon 2023 Recap!

This past weekend I attended TCCon 2023 in Toronto! This is the first convention I've attended since the start of the pandemic (aside from a couple of very local ones) and it was so good. I love being among my people, the geeks. :) Spouse also attended with me; he is only a TF fan by osmosis (seeing how enthusiastic I am about stuff makes him happy about it too), but he enjoys the vibe of sci-fi and adjacent cons. He also claims to have had a good time.

Before we left, I was concerned about a few things: catching Covid again, boarding the cat, dealing with the disaster that flying in Canada has become lately, etc. We masked up anytime we were in con space, and I remain hopeful that our recent infections acted like a booster against catching it again. If we make it to this Sunday without coming down with it, I'll consider it a success.

Before I have to go to work tomorrow, I wanted to get my thoughts down about how the con went: the amazing, the good, and the disappointing.

The Amazing

Friends. Being able to catch up with (and in some cases meet!) other TF fans who I've chatted with online over the years is always amazing. I honestly don't want to start naming names because then I'll forget someone and feel bad. There is something special about being able to put a face to an online name.

If you were there and I missed you, I am so sorry. I tried, I honestly did. But I am an incredibly awkwardly shy potato in person, and I could only shove myself out of my introvert shell so much to message people and say "LET'S MEET NOW." Sometimes I depend on other people to say "PIPER! LET'S MEET NOW" because otherwise I dither and dither until the weekend is over and the chance is gone. :(

Thank you to everyone who put up with me; I love you guys. <3

The Pros. I steeled myself and went to the three pros who I wanted to talk to: Alex Milne, James Roberts, and Jack Lawrence. Alex was selling copies of Hot Motor Oil (omg book number two is INSANE and I cackled over it repeatedly), so while he was sketching in my copy I was able to thank him for the commission he did for me a while back. He said some very nice things about my choice! but it's important for me to thank people in person for the commissions they do for me. :3 Same thing with Jack; I got a commission from him just a little while ago, and I LOVE it. He was also very nice, even though I was only at his table to thank him and not buy anything. >.> (Next time I need to bring larger print protectors; his prints were GORGEOUS but there was no way I'd be able to get them home safely.)

And I bought some scripts from James; I've been dying to read the annotated ones because I am interested in writing my own scripts, and I wanted to see how he put his together and the thoughts behind them. I was able to tell him about how it was fanfic that led me to MTMTE which led me back into the TF fandom after a 25+ year absence, and he was really happy to hear that. (And commented about how the message that fanfic can bring in new fans needs to get back to the IP holders...)

The Costumes. Briefly, AMAZING costumes this year. I got some good pictures of some of them, but the creativity out there is fantastic.

The Good.

The Loot. I got a decent amount of stuff this year, and thanks to Spouse tagging along I was able to bring back a bit more than usual. And some of the stuff was for him, so he got something out of it too. :3

Non-TF Meetups. By happenstance, a coworker of mine lives in the area, as does some WoW guildies that Spouse knows. We'd never met any of these people in person, so we made time for that and I'm happy we did. Also, not having to go downtown? Priceless. XD

Cat Boarding. We boarded our new cat while we were away, and it went well! She is very adaptable, and I'm glad that they liked her. This was sort of a test run for longer vacations, and now I feel comfortable leaving her there for longer periods of time.

The Disappointing

The Pros I Didn't Meet. See: awkward potato. I did want to say hello Frank Todaro (he has a very good moustache by the way) and tell him in person how much I enjoyed his work on WFC (as Starscream and Rattrap - but Starscream specifically was great), but there was always someone at his table when I went by, and I'm an awkward potato, and I (?) didn't really want an autograph but felt bad just going and talking to him without buying something like I did to Jack, so I didn't talk to him. And David Kaye ALWAYS had a huge lineup so that was totally out.

No Toyhax? I was hoping that Toyhax would be there so I could buy some decals for the car (ones I ALMOST bought in 2019 but didn't, and I've regretted it ever since.) But they were not at the con. (I also kind of wanted some other sticker sets.) I've checked their website and I think the car decals in 2019 were being sold by someone just sharing their table but I can't remember who, so - blah. Too bad.

Travel Shenanigans. It all worked out in the end, but our trip to Toronto was a little... interesting thanks to some computer glitches with the airline. It added stress to me that I didn't need. 

Writing. Hahhahahaaa! No writing was done over the weekend. Zero words written. I was either too busy, or too tired. :/

Health Issues. I won't get into it much here, but attending the convention made me realize that I am still suffering some effects from the Covid infection I had at the end of May. I have a doctor's appointment in a few weeks so I can let her know about it, but we'll see if there's anything they can actually do. -.-;

And that was TFCon 2023! I hope I can attend again next year; this really was a great experience.

[babacontainsmultitudes]

Hi there, Bababird!!! Hope you're doing well 💗💗💗 Mayyybe 🎵 for Cassandra if you have any? I love how you've written her in your Sparrow/Cass fic btw - I still think about it an unhealthy amount dbfkhabfskhbs. And since the fandom on tumblr has collectively agreed that it's his day, mayhaps a 🎵 for Hermie as well hehe :]c

aw shucks she called me Bababird hehe Hi Happi!!! Thank you- I hope you're doing well too! I *definitely* have some for Cassandra! 😅 For better or for worse though a lot of them are either in the context of Cass/Sparrow or Cass/Nicky- so apologies in advance for any rambles I go on about either of those two ahaha I promise in either case things will eventually wrap around to being about Cass (and songs)!

Also, if you'll humor me, I don't think I'll be able to help myself but ramble a bit about the fic as well- it's just an easy way to talk about how I see Cassandra! 💜 ^_^* I'm very very flattered that you enjoyed her that much! You know at first I was maybe gonna do thing's from Sparrow's POV but then I was like- "PFF, fuck that, let's try to figure out what's going on in Cassandra head!"- it's the least she deserves, really.

And I know I'm too late for his "b-day", but I do have some Hermie songs as well! Mostly in the context of Oakworthy though ahaha... Those will be at the end! Edit: actually just the one this time around aha sorry I got lazy

(*slaps post* this baby can fit so many tangents! Sorry in advance for how stupid long this is!)

Okay *well*, let's start with a simple one that's just about Cass yeah? I can't say I've listened to much of their music in general, but "That's My Girl" by Fifth Harmony is *definitely* a Cassandra song for me!

There are a few lyrics in this one that standout for me in this one- but honestly it's also just the general vibe. I see Cassandra as someone who's very independent and hardworking, and also someone very capable of continuing to move forward in spite of hardships and "roll with the punches", so to speak (and Taylor definitely gets this from her hehe for sure for sure). Really the more I think about Cassandra, she's kind of a fucking badass LOL. Splitting from Nicky didn't stop her from staying on top of career all the while maintaining probably one the (if not the) healthiest of parent-child relationships in the show with her son, and really I just love that for her.

That said, for a few standout lyrics...

Yeah, who's been working so damn hard? You got that head on overload? // You've been down before. You've been hurt before. You got up before. You'll be good to go, good to go. // Get mad independent and don't you ever forget it // Nod if you've been played by every boo just tryna show you off. Thought he was the best you ever had, until he cut you off. // ain't nothin (x3) put your heart and your soul in it!

(also *points at Cassandra* that's my girl!!!)

ok ok next again if you'll humor me, I need to ramble about Sparrow for a bit in the context of the fic so that I can then ramble about Cassandra LOL.

So, ok, firstly I must confess that like, for me, I tend to read canon Sparrow as allo-aro (alloSparo? Maybe just Sparo... heh). Less popular of an opinion still is that I actually quite like that for him haha. And so for *me*, in the fic, he's prolly like aro and demisexual? That said, I know that ace Sparrow (Sparoace, Space- you get me it's funnier to do it this way) is very dear to many of you (which tbh I super understand), most especially the people who I most wanted to read the fic! So... I wanted to write something that was compatible with both interpretations? Not as a burden! I liked the challenge of trying to write something that was *sensual* but not inherently *sexual* (and in that regard... I think I did an *ok* job aha I'm sure there are certain parts that might be pushing it for some people but I had to be honest with myself about what I wanted to write too!)

Of course, as *you* know Happi, I'll still gladly drop aromantic Sparrow for a ship that tickles my fancy (and in fact I actually like these two in a romantic context as well even if it's not my default/preference- but that's for someone else's ask lol)... 😤But I was keen on keeping things platonic for this fic! Sure because I like that for Sparrow, but actually... It also had a lot to do with what I wanted to explore with Cass!

(Somehow this post is about Cass *and music* I SWEAR)

Right right right so- as far as canon goes I think it's fair to say that Cassandra is sexually and romantically a lot less ambiguous than Sparrow right- and so, well based on the little we have seen of her I get the impression that Cassandra has probably gotten fairly accustomed to a pretty "standard" kind of partnership style? And for a number of reasons... 😤 It seems she's struggled to find someone who can give her the level of commitment she deserves! Otherwise, based on her relationship with Willy (ew yucky Willy), I also feel like she might have a bit of a tendency to rush into things a bit.

Enter QPR with Sparrow! As I see it, this puts Cassandra especially in a very interesting situation. She's navigating forms of intimacy that are pretty foreign from what she's used to! To love someone... Without being *in love* with someone, per se. She gets the commitment she wants, but in a form that is unquestionably different from how she's always imagined it. Physically, there's room for intimacy (be it to one degree or another)... But she has to work up to/for it this time around, no more rushing into things!

But I see Cass as someone who is always up for a challenge. I think the novelty of these ideas is something that she would find exciting in its own right, and really she's someone who goes after what she wants at the end of the day. Not without her own insecurities I'm sure, which hopefully I got across! (And again, yeah, I definitely think Taylor takes from her in a number of ways haha).

SO ALL OF THAT SAID

"She had the world" from Panic! At the Disco is *also* a Cassandra song for me 😌

That was waaay too much lead in for a fucking patd song, honestly Happi I'm really abusing this opportunity to talk about Cass and the fic LOL

But ok ok, so with the above points in mind, this one for me is about Cass... From (an aromantic) Sparrow's perspective, and it's hard to explain exactly what I mean for this one, but yeah it's like- there's kind of this mix of insecurity and admiration and I guess... How to put this, on Cass' end she has to let go of the things she's come to take for granted a bit, and on Sparrow's end I think some fears that this kind of relationship won't be enough for her? Let me just give you the important lyrics hahaha:

She held the world upon a string, but she didn't ever hold me. Spun the stars on her fingernails, but it never made her happy, cause she couldn't ever have me // I don't love you I'm just passing the time. You could love me if I knew how to lie. But who could love me? I am out of my mind. Throwing a line out to sea to see if I can catch a dream. // But that girl had so much love. She'd wanna kiss you all the time. Yeah, she'd wanna kiss you all the time. // She said she'd won the world at a carnival. But I'm sure it didn't ruin her, it just made her more interesting.

OKAY that was a looooooong tangent for that one I hope like it sort of makes sense why I associate that one with her???

Finally Nicky, I'll make this much shorter lol. I'm not sure how people feel about these two in general, but I actually *love* them together tbh, and I hope we learn a bit more about their relationship (er what it was) in canon at some point! Still, everything I said about Cass probably being the type to rush into things probably applies here too, and ultimately I imagine that these two likely had a relationship that was... passionate, and intense, and exciting, but maybe not what either of them really needed in the long run.

So funnily enough

The song is actually called "Nikki", by Forever the Sickest Kids. And, well I think you'll catch my drift with a lot of these lyrics and why it makes me think of them so much aha:

He was the man of every hour. He was a party all alone. He'd give his jacket to a stranger in the cold. She was the beauty queen from Dallas. She could put a lion on a leash. And before he knew himself, she knew the man that he could be. // It's alright Nikki, it's alright, baby, you can let you hair down. // She was an angel craving chaos. He was a demon seeking peace. But they were each other's toxic cure called codependency.

And yeah! So yeah there's a lot of lines in that song that makes me think of them- more than the ones I listed here but for me these are kinda the standouts?

ok ok ok I made this post waaaaaaay too long Happi I'm so sorry ahahaha thank you for entertaining my thoughts I hope some of this makes sense??? I have a lot of feelings about Cassandra but they can be hard to convey!

Also, I'm starting to get a bit lazy, so I hope you'll forgive me if I leave you with my favorite song for Hermie (and well Oakworthy) without much of an explanation. Which is

"A guy that I'd kinda be into" from the musical Be More Chill :]

I think this one is *very* funny for both of them- especially cause of how many of the lyrics you could read as both Normal and Hermie's POV? If you haven't heard this song, go listen and I think you'll understand.