#I AM OKAY don't worry I know how to deal with my symptoms by now

[cookinguptales]

So uh TIL that my relationship with failure is not normal and there's actually a word (acronym) for it, thank you for that (sorry I don't know how to make that not sound sarcastic!), I'm gonna go read all things ever about RSD now

[cw: frank discussion of mental illness and its symptoms]

Being absolutely real with you here, anon, RSD is fucking terrible. It’s a terrible symptom of a frustrating disorder and I’m sorry that you’re dealing with it. Like I say this as someone with a variety of mental health issues (maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s PTSD) who’s struggled with suicidal ideation since about age seven or eight -- RSD is one of the absolute hardest things I deal with. It’s more than just feeling broken or fucked up or unlovable; it’s an absolutely physical, devastating reaction that can be impossible to logic your way out of.

It is not normal to fixate on perceived rejection, faults, or mistakes. It is not normal to hate yourself every time you make the smallest error or don’t succeed at something you’ve tried. It is not normal to make a tiny error or get in an argument and then spiral over it for days, weeks, months, maybe even years. I definitely disobeyed once when I was like eight and worried about my mom finding out and not loving me anymore for... I wanna say about seven years. I finally told her like three years ago (I WAS STILL NERVOUS) and I am thirty-two now. She... was not mad. Because I was a child who didn’t even do anything that bad. But that’s RSD. It’s like niggling at a scab that you just can’t leave alone, even though you know it’s only going to hurt you. (And yes, skin-picking and hair-pulling are also symptoms of ADHD. Dermatillomania struggles are so real, lmao.)

Like friend, I get it. I get the way that you make a mistake or you get in an argument or you think someone is upset with you and it is an actual physical clenching of the chest. The spiraling. The panic attacks. The anxiety. The intrusive thoughts. The way you literally cannot fucking breathe. None of that is normal.

I didn’t know that it was weird, either, until just a few years ago. I knew I had bad ADHD that couldn’t be safely medicated (I believe my doctor’s exact words when he looked at my test results were “I can’t believe you graduated high school”) but no one told me that obsessive thoughts and RSD were symptoms of that. I knew that sometimes my ADHD felt like I was batting a thousand racquetballs around a court at the same time, but I didn’t know that sometimes my dumbass brain would direct every one of them right at me.

It’s kind of like hearing the Jaws music at all times... You don’t know what the rule is or how you broke it but you know you did and that very nebulous consequences will happen. And if you haven’t fucked up yet, you will soon! That Jaws music is warning you!

There’s a lot of overlap between ADHD and autism/OCD, and I think RSD is where you really start to see a lot of OCD-esque symptoms. The obsessing, the fixations, the compulsive physical actions and thoughts. The way you spiral over things that you know aren’t serious, that you know aren’t real, but that doesn’t ease the pressure on your chest, the buzzing in your head. You can’t logic your way out of RSD and it really fucking sucks.

I really, really recommend going to see a doctor if you can, anon. I can’t take ADHD meds (I got a shit-ass heart lmao) but I’ve heard they really help with the RSD for some people. If they don’t help you, therapy might. 

In the meantime, what helps me most is breaking the spiral before I get in too deep. When I feel the panic coming on, I do something that I know will distract me. This can be something physical (like going for a walk or dancing (poorly) to some music or making food) or something that will force me to focus on another living creature (like playing with my cat or calling a friend) or, if I have to pull out the big guns, purposefully invoking a known hyperfixation so I get focused on that instead. Just something that will make you think about literally anything but the trigger and your own panic response to it. Once you’re deep in the spiral, it’s very hard to get out.

Mindfulness exercises can also be useful here. I don’t mean meditation as much; that doesn’t empty my mind enough. Grounding exercises help me more. Focusing on tastes, smells, feels, sensations. Strong smells (I keep citrus essential oils on hand), strong flavors, a texture that you find interesting or comforting. Sometimes I go outside and touch trees lmao. Just find something that works for you. Focusing on a purely physical stimulus can be helpful in breaking a mental spiral.

This is a rough, rough road that you’re walking, anon, and I’m sorry to hear that you’re on it. But millions of people walk it every day, and we muddle through. There’s definitely hope and you’re definitely not alone. 💜 

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA For Not Budging On A Potentially Unconventional Need?

I (M20+) have BPD and Autism, and when I was younger, they'd both team up to cause me a lot of struggle.

One of the biggest things I used to do was self isolate when I was upset or worried, and just sit around after throwing out some red flags, hoping someone would read my mind and ask me if I was alright.

OBVIOUSLY THAT WASN'T VERY HEALTHY, neither for myself or for others. I definitely think that was an "ESH" time period.

So now that I'm older, in therapy, taking meds, and generally doing better and am a lot happier, I put clear communication as my #1 priority in all of my relationships.

I don't phrase anything in a way that sounds confrontational, I don't tell people what they can or can't do, who they can or can't talk with, don't get jealous too easily, etc. I only ask for honesty, compromise, and mutual respect for boundaries.

I really thought I was doing well for myself by swapping "I won't communicate at all" out for "I need to communicate often"

But one thing that I just can't seem to stop is the paranoia when it comes to people I'm particularly close and very vulnerable with; I'll notice certain changes in their demeanor and worry it's because I've done something wrong, or that they don't like me as much anymore. Sometimes I CAN brush it off and wait it out until I'm inadvertently proven otherwise.

But if it's not going away, and I'm worried it's just getting worse, I need to just ask for their honest thoughts and get it over with. If for some reason they were actually upset, my intention would NOT be to double down or lash out. I just DON'T want to be strung along by a lie, as has happened!

This isn't really that common of an occurrence either. Maybe every few weeks during particularly hard periods.

I don't feel this way about people I'm not very close to, and people who do manage to get very close to me know this about me; I keep no secrets about my mental health and try to be extremely upfront. A lot of people will say at first that they understand, but over time, I'll eventually get that flack and heartache from them, saying that it's just too exhausting for them. At best, I'm kinda teased for it. It's made me feel like I haven't made as much progress in my recovery as I thought I had, which sucks.

It's not me starting arguments or fights, or accusing them of anything. Just me saying "Hey, I've been feeling a little paranoia lately, is everything okay between us? Is there anything we should talk about?" or something like that.

I'm really conflicted about it.

On one hand, I feel like if things are okay, it shouldn't be difficult or tiring to say "Nope, everything's alright, dw!" If you still like me in a certain way, why would it be tiring to just say so? It takes maybe five seconds to type/say. The only way I can see it being tiring is if they were just telling me white lies about how they felt, and had to maintain the act.

On the other hand, I know BPD isn't without its delusions, and that Autism isn't without its "misunderstanding of social norms". I know I'm likely to see things differently from others. I know it's not exactly EASY to love someone like me. Maybe it IS too much of a demand, and I've just convinced myself it's not?

This IS something I'm trying to work through in therapy regardless, but I just worry that it isn't a symptom that will ever fully go away, and instead it needs to be worked with.

Am I the asshole for standing by that, at LEAST for now? Is it fair? Or is that too much of a need for people to reasonably accommodate? Am I just not trying hard enough to be better?

If I ever got particularly close to someone again, would I be an asshole for again insisting that if I need reassurance to dismiss an oncoming spiral, they should be able to meet that need instead of asking that I keep the paranoia to myself and just deal with it on my own? Which may or may not work, or even make things worse.

I know it can make people feel like I don't trust them. That much I do understand! But I've tried telling them that it's not that I don't trust or respect them, I don't trust or respect myself. I dunno if that makes sense to anyone without BPD, though.

This is both a "Was I the asshole?" and a "Would I be the asshole?" ask I guess, lol

[sciderman]

im so happy for you that you have a possible reason/cause for your brain itch!!!! i hope the tumor removal goes superduper smoothly. Do they know how long its been present/growing???????? how did you find out??? <- you obviously do not have to answer these personal medical questions lmao im just!!!! so curious and excited for you.

from what i've discussed with the docs it's been there for a LONG time... they say this sort of thing might take up to a decade to develop - it doesn't happen overnight!

i think i started noticing symptoms about maybe... 7 years ago? literally as soon as i started working full-time, maybe. my first job stressed me out so much and i cried underneath the tables at 8pm because i couldn't leave the office, i still had so much to do. i was leading up an entire ass animation department at 20 years old. bad. awful. that's when i started depending on things to get me through the day. my body started feeling awful. i thought it was anxiety, or me just being weak, i guess. i don't know if stress created the tumor, or the tumor created the stress - (well, it's the latter now) i think it's probably both, but all the research i've done and what the doctors have said is that there's just - some people with a genetic predisposition for it.

it's funny - i never miss a deadline, and i'm really really good at my job, always. i never let anyone down, ever, at the cost of my own sanity, and i seem to always, always have it put-together when i'm dealing with people - i have the constant consensus from everybody around me that i'm the most cheerful person to work with on this here planet earth - but apparently, my body was falling apart underneath it all - which i failed to recognise, because outwardly i was holding it together so well, and figured it was just normal to cry all the time when nobody was looking.

i started really noticing it after taking on a lot of freelance work on top of my day job – i was really doing very hot, and did these amazing projects for some really amazing clients who sought me out for being amazing (i am amazing) - but naturally, had consecutive nights of no sleep, and quick deadlines - and INVOICING... screams. and just, realised - after taking those jobs that - my heart did not stop pumping afterwards. my heart was still racing a mile a minute, even after all those jobs were done and dusted and ever-so-loved and appreciated by very happy clients. my heart. wouldn't. stop.

i figured it was MAJOR anxiety, and sought out some counselling sessions, hoping they'd help. i relayed my woes. i said i'm worried i'm not resting enough. i'm not sleeping enough. my heart rate won't go down. they said "oh. not everybody needs 8 hours sleep, don't worry about it. everyone's different." - for some reason that reassured me. i thought it was okay. okay. i don't need rest. maybe my body's just different and doesn't need rest. maybe that's why i wake up at 6am every morning without fail. i just don't need sleep, i guess. (bad advice.)

so – everyone is telling me i'm okay. i should just get on. you're barely sleeping? that's fine, you probably don't need it. your heart is pumping? that's healthy. your heart SHOULD pump, idiot. get back to work.

i felt very unhappy at work - i felt like i was stagnating - so i moved job, last year. i moved job to one that was so, so much more fast-paced. i thought the excitement and change would do me good - but i've been facing maybe - 3 deadlines a day? vs my previous one-deadline-a-month arrangement. and i think it broke me. i needed to depend on so many unhealthy habits to get me through the day. i needed like 6 energy drinks, 3 coffees, i'd have the shakes, i'd have the jitters, i'd feel like i was going to fall apart every single day.

and then, one day, i did.

one week last year i doubled over - my body was in so much pain that i couldn't sleep, i couldn't eat, and worst off - i couldn't work. it was the first time i'd taken sick leave - i couldn't function. after being on antibiotics that didn't work, i eventually went into the emergency room because i just couldn't sleep. i couldn't do anything. i didn't care if they put me down, i wanted the pain to end.

she was a kidney stone. her name was sharon (sharon stone) - i suspect it was all the energy drinks that made her. i've dealt with her now. but during the process, the doc pulled me aside, and he said "dear. do you have any pain in your other kidney?"

i said... no............... why?

doc said "ah. problem for another time."

so, once sharon was dealt with, obviously i had to chase up on that doctor's ominous warning. i said "WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY OTHER KIDNEY!!"

you have a tumor, dear. his name is lamar. he's on your right adrenal gland, and we suspect he's messing up all your hormones.

i did my own research, and turns out all these crazy, mysterious symptoms i've been having all line up - so i chased, and chased, and chased.

the doctors didn't take me seriously at first. because i guess i'm not in pain, and i handle it so well. i'm still so strong. i'm a fighter, i guess. whatever. but, turns out...

it's worth it to chase. your life might depend on it. i'm so glad i did, because there's an end to my suffering (dear god, i hope) - but, guys, if your heart won't slow, and you chronically can't relax, and you feel like there are bees in your brain - that's the time to do some research. it isn't normal, actually. and sure - it might not be a tumor, but - kid, you need some support. you need some help. you need to ask some questions. it's not okay for that to be your baseline. your body needs to rest. it needs to rest. even if i have to force it to. it has to rest.

right now i'm in a major stressed way, and i broke down and cried. i'm in the middle of a freelance job, and in the middle of an interviewing process for a new full-time job, and still working my current full-time job with 3 deadlines a day, and my surgery is next week. and i feel like crying. all the time.

i can't wait for rest. i hate that i literally have to be hospitalised to get it. but, i'll get it. i'm going to rest so fucking hard.

[miss-daisy04]

I understand if you're not taking requests anymore, but if you are then heres an idea?

So its completely understandable if it makes you uncomfortable but long story short last Wednesday I passed out in the shower and got a concussion and really lucked out with not fracturing my ribs (I'm ok though and it got me out of finals for now lol) but I didn't know of my concussion until Friday night/early Saturday morning because my birthday was the following day and I didn't want to possibly ruin it for me/didn't think that I even had a concussion haha.

So I was wondering maybe Seungmin x gn reader where the reader is also dumb and injuries themselves badly to warrant a trip to the er but they don't think it's that bad and minnie has to convince them to go to the er and comfort them because they feel bad for making him worried. Bonus points if the injury is also a concussion and they get really emotional and sad for feeling bad n stuff (which ngl isn't a symptom I thought was concussion related)

Or they are afraid of the really expensive hospital bills and wont go to the er until minnie or one of the other skz members points it out and is like "my guy thats not normal, go to the er" only for the reader to be like "go to the hospital in this economy?" Only to then realize that they are in korea/abroad where healthcare is super cheap/free?

Thanks! - Palsy

trip to the ER - seungmin

hello!! i hope you are okay now??? i really hope it wasn't that bad, and hopefully this isn't either lmao. it's really short cause i am trying to get through requests, and it's also a broken leg, not a concussion, deeply sorry!

warnings: er trip, hospital.

wordcount: 0.6k

seungmin x gn!reader (i'm pretty sure i used no pronouns for reader)

TELL ME IF I USED PRONOUNS FOR THE READER I TRIED NOT TO!

also i'm not quite sure yet but i'm going to stop taking requests for a 2 specific people because i can't keep writing for the same ones LMAO.

When Seungmin saw you lying on the ground in agony, his heart began to race as he hurried to your side. His heart ached to see you uncomfortable, so he dropped down next to you right away, his worried eyes wide. "Y/N, are you okay? What happened?" he questioned, fear evident in his tone.

You groaned a little, forcing a fake smile to cover up your discomfort. Reassuring him, "I'm fine, Seungmin," you tried to get up by yourself. However, a sudden, intense wave of pain rushed through you as you tried to bear weight on your damaged leg, sending you tumbling back down.

Seungmin noticed the wince on your face and his eyes expanded with anxiety. He looked at your wound without hesitancy, his brows wrinkled with concern. "Y/N, we must take you to the hospital right away. This is serious," he said, his voice begging.

Stubbornly, you shook your head, attempting to minimize the seriousness of your wound. "Seungmin, I'm confident it's simply a sprain.” Trying to talk yourself and him into it, you muttered, "I don't want to make a big deal out of it."

Knowing how obstinate you might be when it came to your well-being, Seungmin sighed in frustration. "Y/N, please trust me on this. Let's get you checked out at the ER," Gently assisting you to your feet, he emphasized, "I don't want to take any chances."

Seungmin led you to his car and took you to the hospital in spite of your objections. Seungmin put his arm around you and comforted and reassured you as you waited in the lobby feeling bad for worrying him so much.

"I'm sorry for making you worry, Seungmin," you whispered, feeling guilty for being so careless.

Seungmin gave you a gentle smile while shaking his head. "Don't be sorry, Y/N. All I want is for you to stay secure and well." With genuine warmth in his words, he admitted, "I love you more than you realize."

Seungmin remained by your side, gripping your hand firmly and pledging to support you at every turn when you were eventually brought in to meet the doctor. To make sure you were getting the best care possible, he made sure to ask the doctor all the questions you were too afraid to ask.

Your cries made Seungmin's heart tighten as the doctor revealed that you had definitely fractured your ankle. He comforted and reassured you as he carefully wiped them away. "Y/N, I'll be here for you." With a warm voice, he muttered, "We'll get through this together."

Seungmin was at your side to support you during your recuperation, even after the hospital released you with instructions and crutches. He brought you food, watched movies with you, and was there to console you when you needed it most. He made sure you were comfortable.

Seungmin never once expressed irritation or dissatisfaction—only sincere concern for your welfare—during the entire ordeal. As you recovered, you came to understand how fortunate you were to have Seungmin at your side—someone who was always there to look after you and make sure everything was alright.

i hope you enjoyed it! if you did, please show admiration of my work by liking/reblogging/sharing/commenting! it really shows me how i am doing as a writer ♡

[greazyfloz]

Heyy bestie can I get a pregnancy scare with jack hughes maybe whilst he’s on a roadie?

Don't Worry Yet w/ Jack Hughes

Jack left last night for the Florida stretch. Thankfully the Florida roadie is only 3 days long as they only play the Panthers and Lightning. When Jack is away I take the time to deep clean around our apartment and run some personal errands. After cleaning the house, I made my way down to my car, so I could go pick up some stuff at the pharmacy. 

I drove to the pharmacy and grabbed some of the stuff I needed, tooth paste, deodorant, more lip balm, and maybe some snacks. I made my way to check out, walking down a random aisle when I saw the tampons. It hit me, I’m so late. I pull my phone out and checked my period tracker and I was a week and a half late. “Fuck” I say. I walk a little ways down the aisle and see pregnancy tests. 

I stop in front of them browsing them while googling pregnancy symptoms. As I am reading through I convince myself that I have these symptoms so I quickly grab about 5 different pregnancy tests and make my way to the check out. 

When I get home I quickly chug a big glass of water and continue browsing the internet after searching ‘I’m I pregnant’ in the search bar. As I am scrolling, Jack’s contact appears on my phone. I answer it immediately.

“Jack, I think I’m pregnant” I say before he can even speak into the phone.

“What?” Jack says back through the phone

“I was supposed to start my period like a week and a half ago, and I am just now realizing. Then I looked up symptoms and I definitely have those symptoms. Oh my god, Jack, I can’t be a mom. I’m not ready for that yet. Please come home. What am I goin-”

“Y/n, Y/n shhhhh” Jack says calming me down to listen to him, “Did you take a test yet?”

“No, I just got back from the pharmacy. I bought like 5”

“Then don’t worry yet babe” he says calmly which annoys me

“How are you calm right now? This could ruin our lives, we are too young” I say and I hear Jack snicker a little as I panic

“Just go take a test, I’ll stay on the phone” he says and I stand walking up to the bathroom. I take out a test and take it before setting it on the counter.

“Okay, now I have to wait for this to load” I say looking down at the stick

“How long?”

“Not very much, it’s still blinking right now” I say then the blinking stops, “Oh wait, it loaded.. Not pregnant” I say reading the stick

“Thank fuck” I hear Jack

“You say that as if you were panicking or something” I mocking his prior calmness

“I was, didn’t want you to know that though” I laugh at his response, “One of us had to be calm”

“Now that I know I’m not pregnant, I kinda wish I was. Like could you imagine me pregnant” I say jokingly

“You’d still be hot, but I’m not dealing with diapers right now” I laugh, “I gotta go, we are headed to the game now”

“Okay, Call me after?”

“Of course” he says and I can feel his smile through the phone, “Hey Y/n” he says before I say goodbye.

“Yeah?”

“I love you”

“I love you too, good luck”

[campgender]

Hi, my friend has a chronic illness that flares up sometimes and we've been wanting to hang out but it has gotten cancelled a couple times lately bc of her not feeling well enough on the day. I want to ask her how she feels cuz I care abt her a lot and want an update but 1, I don't want her to feel pressured or like I'm asking just to ask can we hang out now, and not bc I care abt how she's feeling (does that make sense? I may be overthinking this) and 2, I genuinely wanna know how she's doing but idk what to say if she responds with her not being better, sometimes u don't feel better and that's ok but I always want to offer comfort somehow or just convey my friendship? but I feel the same everytime and don't want to sound repetitive ?

Any thoughts?

this is really kind of you & it means so much to me that you want to support your friend & are putting so much thought into it! my response is inherently based in my own experience to an extent & everybody’s different, but a lot if not all of this is stuff i’ve heard regularly from other chronically ill people. of course, don’t say anything you don’t mean – if some of this isn’t the case for you, just adapt accordingly :)

i understand worrying about being repetitive but i think that’s totally okay to do! for one thing, it can be difficult to remember things period when you’re ill, especially during a flare, & for another, internalized + societal ableism is a hell of a force. it never hurts to have a reminder that not everyone is trying to force ableist expectations onto you + your friendship & that someone cares about you!

i think you can definitely tell your friend pretty much what you told me! like, “hey, it’s okay if you aren’t feeling up for responding but i just wanted to check on you! not trying to pressure you to hang out or anything, i just care about you & how you’re doing”

honestly the most important + supportive thing people have ever told me is that it’s okay if the answer is “bad.” i’m literally like surprised pikachu meme every time somebody offers to let me vent about having a rough time & then it helps me just to talk about it. it’s really socially unacceptable to talk about chronic pain & a lot of people get frustrated when you’re complaining about the same thing & there’s not really anything they can do, so just the opportunity to be like “yeah shit fucking sucks right now” means a lot.

obv the appropriateness of this depends on the person & their relationship to disability but most of the time i’m very like, radical acceptance / embracing / etc about the fact that i’m probably just gonna get sicker, so sometimes when i’m having a rough time emotionally & am like “what if i’m this bad for the rest of my life” my gf (who doesn’t have chronic pain / chronic illness) will say something like “then i can’t wait to be there with you ❤️” & it’s more meaningful to me than i can begin to put into words.

again everybody’s different but for me one of the biggest things is when disability stuff just… isn’t a big deal to the other person. which, it’s totally okay for you to need support from others when someone you care about is going through a hard time & when things change! but abled people are constantly horrified about like, every aspect of my life, so being able to talk casually about symptoms & somebody mirror the mood / tone i set – laugh if i’m joking, be upset about the ableism i experience & not my body itself if i’m complaining about people being weird about it, taking things as they come – is so affirming.

other things that have been helpful + meaningful for me are friends sending me notes, stickers, & art in the mail – having something tangible can make me feel more “real” & part of the world, something i struggle with due to being homebound – & peer support around medical neglect, which often just looks like talking to someone after a doctor’s appointment & them reaffirming my reality / experiences & saying i didn’t deserve to be treated that way.

oh one other change in language i’ve made over time & probably picked up from a few other ill people in my life is a sort of realistic encouragement – there’s not necessarily anything wrong with “i hope you feel better soon!” because like, i get that the message is well-intentioned, but it can be awkward & difficult to receive when you don’t know if that’s gonna happen. instead, i try to tell people something like “i hope you get a bit of relief soon” or “i hope things are a little easier tomorrow.” a 7/10 pain day may be horrifying for most people, but when you’ve had a streak of 9s, it can be a much-needed taking the edge off, & i try to make space for that breadth of experience in my language.

i’ve answered a few similar questions before so i’ll add my “asks” & “faq” tags on my chronic illness blog in the reblogs if you want to browse! much love to you & your friend and feel free to lmk if you have any other questions 💓💓

[tartigglez]

HIIIII CAN I BE 🫧 ANON?? ILY THANKS!!!

could i get diluc (+ ur favs!!) assisting reader who’s hurt in battle :(( jus want my darknight hero to come rescue me 😮‍💨😮‍💨

hi nonnie! sorry it took me a while to get this done. i honestly don't really like what i've come up with but i hope its something along the lines of what you were looking for! also, i decided to make this a oneshot as opposed to hc's, so enjoy!

"do not concern yourself with such matters"

diluc x gn!reader

genre: fluff, hurt/comfort (???)

word count: 900-ish

tags: lol get rescued ig, diluc doesn't know how to interact normally which is lowkey kinda funny, reader gets injured, physical contact/being carried?

tw/cw: cuts, wounds, generally just,, pain? also diluc lowkey just takes the reader to his house while they're unconscious (no negative intent), idk how to put this other than "examining the thighs" of the reader but he's TREATING A CUT OKAY? i think that's it?

a/n: eek this took to long to write bc i was being lazy, so it might feel a little disjointed or as celeste would put it: "might read like a wet dog"

cryo abyss mage.

23:00 

200m from dawn winery.

you awoke with a pounding head, and little to no feeling in any part of your body, blurry vision and barely any consciousness, just feeling icy, freezing. you noticed nothing but pure, vibrant vermillion, before closing your eyes again, not knowing at all what was going on, completely unaware.

23:35

50m from dawn winery

slowly willing your eyes open, in a daze, with your head resting against something warm, comforting, you could hear loud breathing, and some sort of fast movement… running? someone was… carrying you? with it being far too exhausting to stay awake, you closed your eyes once again...

00:30

dawn winery

you awakened in a warm room, in some sort of bed. a cosy blanket covered your legs and waist, and your head rested on soft pillows. you had very little recollection of anything that happened, but still felt oddly safe. upon looking around the room, you saw a few dimly lit lamps, oak furniture, some sort of grand vanity set, and wooden floorboards. 

the stream of thoughts running through your head was interrupted by the entrance of a tall, handsome man, dressed in a black t-shirt and some sort of lounge trousers, wearing thinly rimmed glasses, sporting the same vermillion locks you had envisioned earlier. and he was… carrying two glasses of water? this man was… what was his name? the bartender… ah, yes!

“master ragnvindr? what.. are you doing here? what am i doing here? what happened?”

“there is no need for being so formal, since we’ve spoken before. then again perhaps you don’t remember, you were rather intoxicated. call me diluc. as for what i’m doing here, this is my home, why wouldn’t i be here? as for what happened, and why you are here… i think you might need a lesson on why we shouldn't approach enemies alone, hm?

“but… the abyss mage. it was outside th-”

“i took care of it. don’t worry”

“i-okay”

there was a silence in the room, which was somewhat uncomfortable, awkward, but not unbearable, and you knew it was up to you to break it. 

“what…”

“what happened?”

“i presume from your injuries, and the fact that the mage was no longer shielded that you managed to break its shield before it hit you with an attack. judging by your current symptoms it seems that it hit you with some sort of direct cryo energy to the head, which explains your lack of consciousness” 

“but… why were you…?”

“do not concern yourself with such matters”

“i… but–”

“here, i brought you water. you should focus on recovering for now. how are you feeling?”

he moved himself to sit next to you on the bed, as you sat up to take the glass out of his hand. 

“thanks… i’m okay, just a bit achey”

“achey? did you sustain any other injuries?”

“uh, my leg feels a little weird, but don’t worry about it, i’m sure it’s fine”

"if you are injured, you must tell me.”

“i think it might be cut but… it’s fine, i’ll deal with it”

“where?”

“oh… uh-”

“where.”

his tone was stern, but certainly not angry. somehow gentle but assertive at the same time.

“uh, somewhere on my thigh, i think-”

“give me one moment.”

he got up and abruptly left the room. this diluc -as you now called him- certainly was a strange, strange man…

you then heard the door into the room click closed once again. the man was now holding a first aid kit, and what looked like a pair of shorts… how odd. 

“here, change into these and i’ll have a look at it.”

“but… master diluc, don’t you think that’s a little-”

“a little what?”

“uh, nothing, nevermind…”

“i’ll be back in a few”

“oh, uhm, okay…”

and so, seemingly having no other option, you slowly, somewhat painfully changed into the shorts, noticing a lesion on your right thigh. it wasn’t particularly deep, but it was long, and still bleeding a little bit.

a knock on the door put an end to your thoughts.

“are you done? may i come in?”

“uh… yeah.”

he slowly opened the door, you sitting on his bed looking at your wound, and him looking concerned. he then sat down on the bed beside you, after lifting the first aid kit from the dresser where he had left it. he proceeded to lift some antiseptic out, to start cleaning the wound. 

“here, this might sting a bit”

he pushed the hem of the shorts up your leg a bit so he could have full access to the cut. he then began dabbing at it with the cotton.

“agh, it hurts”

that feeling was immense pain, and you felt a little childish, having your injuries tended to like this.

purely by natural instinct, diluc moved his free hand to one of yours, interlacing your fingers with his and squeezing gently. his hand was warm and calloused, and he was extremely focused on the task at hand, so he didn’t seem to notice you admiring his rather striking features.

“you’re okay, i’m almost done”

you hissed in pain, burying your head into his shoulder out of instinct. thankfully he didn’t seem to mind. 

“there, done. are you alright?"

“yeah, yeah, thank you”

“not a problem. do you need anything else?”

“uh, no, i don’t think so”

“alright, in that case then, i'll be going to bed.”

“wait”

“yes?”

“uh…”

“uh?”

“can you… stay?”

“i was waiting for that”

(au where diluc is secretly a flirty bastard)

[void-occupation]

Halt's Brain Damage

I mentioned Halt's head trauma in an earlier post, and said that I would elaborate on it. Well, this is my elaboration. Keep in mind, I am not a health care professional, I am only certified to perform first aid. I am only speaking from what I have witnessed in someone who has had a similar condition from a motorcycle accident, and from what I find and cross-reference in my internet search on the matter.

Halt, as we know, has suffered MANY blows to the head - a lot of which could have been fatal if not for the intervening hand of Lady Luck and some very conveniently placed Plot Armor™. Now something that both the characters in the books, and probably a good portion of the readers either don't know about or haven't considered is the resulting brain damage - or more specifically, the damage done to Halt's gray matter.

For those of you who don't know (no shame), gray matter is tissue in the brain that is largely responsible for motor functions, emotions, and memory. Gray matter cells are known to be the longest lasting cells in the body, but they do tend to degenerate and die as people get old. There are other things that can speed up the process of gray matter cell death, most notably Alzheimer's disease, Parkinson's disease, multiple sclerosis, and traumatic brain injury.

I have a friend who was once in a bad motorcycle accident that resulted in a metal rod and screws being put into his wrist, and a sudden increase in gray matter cell death brought on by the head trauma. He was a teacher of mine and currently has a wife, daughters, and grand daughters, and he is just over fifty years old. I had the same class with him all year for 4 years (JROTC), and during that time, I was able to see how the condition affected him as time passed. He does make jokes about it, and is very open with it. I also asked him if it would be okay to post this beforehand, don't worry. The symptoms that Halt experience in my headcanon align with this because it is my closest experience with it.

Obviously, these characters don't know what gray matter is, but that doesn't mean it won't affect Halt, and some of these symptoms are things that Halt experiences in the books. I'll give examples of that too.

One of the symptoms of gray matter damage is difficulty controlling emotions. Now you may be saying, "But Void, Halt practically patented the ability to control emotions," and you're right. However, we all know that Halt has a pretty quick temper that can lead to some rash decisions - and this seems to get slightly worse as the books go on. One of the biggest emotions that people with damaged brain matter have issues dealing with is anger - closely followed by sadness and feelings of emptiness (AKA signs of depression).

Another symptom of gray matter damage is memory loss. The only example of this I can think of off the top of my head (that doesn't include when he was poisoned which is a whole other type of trauma) is when he had extreme trouble finding the correlation between the red hills and Redmont in book 7. Then again, it was a stressful situation and no one can be expected to notice everything. Not to mention that he was the only one to make the connection at all. This one and the next one are more for angst potential then as current existing evidence. Imagine really quick as Halt gets older that the memory loss starts slow - forgetting that he already told someone something, forgetting where he put something, etc. Small stuff. But later, it gets worse. He starts to forget meeting new people, important past events, how to cook certain things, or even just trailing off in the middle of a sentence - unable to remember his original purpose for speaking, almost as if a sort of fog has started blocking things out. A lot of times, he'll know that he knew it at some point, but sometimes, he doesn't remember that he knew that thing in the first place. Sometimes gentle reminders will work, and other times, entire stories, recipes, and tasks will have to be completely re-hashed with him.

The final symptom I'm going to cover in this already too-long post is how gray matter damage affects fine motor skills and language. I'm fairly certain that there is an example of this somewhere in the books, But I would have no clue where to look. We're going full angst potential on this one boys. Again, it starts small - some slight tremors in his hands here, a troublesome button there. Then, it gets worse as the years pass. Having difficulty tying knots, writing getting more and more difficult, cutting his hand while trying to prepare food, dropping his mug of coffee for no apparent reason, sometimes slurring his speech, forgetting certain words from other languages, not realizing that he had reverted back to Hibernian in the middle of a sentence because his brain temporarily stopped being able to comprehend Araluen speech.

Halt doesn't want to tell anyone that the changes in his behavior that he can't seem to control frighten him. He's never been genuinely afraid of his own mind before up until he could no longer control what happened. It was a type of fear he was unfamiliar with, but couldn't stop from growing every time he failed to tie a knot, or someone told him about an event he couldn't remember. Everyone else was afraid too, but they toned down their own fear whenever they saw that desperate look in Halt's eyes that he couldn't quite hide, the one that begged for any confirmation that he wasn't crazy.

What the hell. I just wrote an entire essay. You know those posts that say, "In this essay I will discuss..." but they never get to the essay? Yeah, that but completed. This was born from the fact that Hal't has had a bunch of head injuries and I immediately thought 'haha brain damage go brr' and proceeded to write that in essay form. If you've made it to the end of this monstrosity, more power to you.

I'm going to try to go into a coma now.

[aching-tummies]

The only way to treat a sick bloated tummy is to torment it a little. Have you sit in my lap as you groan and complain about how bloated your tummy is. I slowly put my hands on your tummy and with the slightest pressure you let out a nauseated burp. I can feel everything sloshing around inside your belly like an overfilled water balloon ready to burst. I add more pressure squeezing your tummy and forcing everything inside you to slosh and churn as you let out pained whimpers. Even encouraging you to drink a little more tea to help with how sick you feel. Bloated to your max and groaning from having your tummy squeezed.

Interesting. Yeah, despite how bloated I felt, there were actually no gurgles of any sort during the event--shockingly. There were definitely nauseous burps though. Honestly, if anyone had even placed a hand on my belly I probably would have spewed before having a chance to moan or whimper.

I lean back from the dining table with a huff. Part of it due to the congestion still robbing me of the opportunity to breathe through my nose, but also because my belly feels decidedly uncomfortable. 4:23PM and we just wrapped up my first meal of the day.

"Hmm? You feelin' okay, sweetheart?" You mumble from across the dining table.

"Nnngh…" I try to respond, my voice practically non-existent due to the sickness.

"C'mere, darling." You call out to me, urging me to get up out of my chair. I groan, closing my eyes as I weigh the action against the possible consequences.

Decision made, I get up, pausing with a barely audible gasp as something shoots up my throat from the action. There's a worrying splash of something sour and I will it to just be air. I don't want to add vomitting to the list of symptoms I have to deal with.

I walk over to stand before you with a pout. Even the three steps it took to move this much has made me feel much, much worse. My fever's still there--having refused to break for the last two days. Yesterday was hilarious (according to you), as you caught me trying to put a plate in the toaster and a DVD in the dishwasher. My throat is raw and throbbing, my limbs ache, and my stomach is extremely unsettled.

You smile at me and gesture, bringing me forward until I lower myself into your lap.

"'Kay--I can hear you now that we're close…but…hmm…maybe gestures could work too? What hurts? What doesn't feel too good, darling?" You murmur at me, stroking my back as you note how wobbly I still am.

I lethargically raise an arm and gesture at my stomach, hidden under an oversized sweater and a camisole. The sweater is a rare addition thanks to the fever tricking me into feeling horrendously chilly last night. I've been flip-flopping between feeling chilled and feeling like I'm melting every ten or fifteen minutes. When I'm cold, my stomach aches due to the cramping of all my muscles. When I feel like I'm going to melt, my stomach feels like a broiling cauldron ready to spill over. Currently, I'm in an in-between phase, but I can feel myself warming up. I really want to shuck off the sweater, but the idea of raising my arms above my head is an exhausting one, and I fear not having the sweater when I know I'm going to feel cold in about 20 minutes.

I don't dare touch my belly. I didn't eat very much just now because every mouthful came with something sour trying to crawl up my throat. I definitely ended up drinking more tea than I did eating soup--three steaming mugs compared to maybe five spoonfuls, three of which were entirely broth.

My mind is exhausted. I haven't slept much in the past two nights. Fever, chills, coughs--you name it kept me up until at least 5AM both nights. I blame the lack of sleep for the fact that I don't put it together in time--your question followed by my gesture--if I were in a better state of mind, I'd know what comes next. Instead, I close my eyes and lean into you, craving sleep more than anything else.

Your hands inch toward my tummy. I wince as another short and sour belch pushes up my throat and I whine at the left-over sour aftertaste. I whine again as your hands continue to roam. As your hands begin sliding more on my front than on my sides, I begin to shake my head, trying to beg you not to go through with the action.

"Hmm? Speak up, darling!" You chide.

I try to put it to words but my voice is not cooperating. I dissolve into a fit of violent coughs, choking on them, eyes widening as the harsh coughs threaten to trigger another bodily reaction. With a gross gurgle, I forcefully try to stop the coughs…my stomach clenches--on the brink--my throat is sour and my eyes flood with tears.

Your hands finally make their way onto my belly, sliding under the sweater to rub large circles over my camisole. My normally-trim stomach is bloated, filling the ribbed garment more than usual. It's firm under your palms. As you make your first slow pass over the sensitive area, I groan into your ear--a sound that turns into a whine as yet another sour belch burns through my throat.

I squirm in your grasp but that soon comes to an end. I'm too exhausted to keep it up and every movement causes something sour to spill upwards into my esophagus.

"Babe--you're…full." You exclaim. You're shocked--you weren't expecting five spoonfuls of soup to do this to my belly. Sure, three mugs of tea--but you've seen be down five within two hours and still be hungry for solid food.

I nod against your neck, hoping you get my predicament. My fingers dance over your front, tracing a path from your stomach-area upward. I do this a few times, falling into rhythm and timing it with the slow circles you're rubbing over my belly. As your hand goes down, mine does as well, on the return-swing my fingers dance upward and flick at your throat. This repeats maybe five times before I see realization spark in your eyes.

"Tickle in the throat…coughing?" You ask. I shake my head, placing more emphasis on the part where my hand starts at your stomach and then slides upward before I flick at your neck. "From your stomach…?" I nod. "Is something…coming up?" I nod again and wince as another short, sour burp erupts from my churning belly.

You continue to rub circles into my stomach--slower this time. I still feel like my stomach's a boiling mass ready to overflow, but the touch is nice. I'll have to remember to get you to do this tonight when the fever inevitably puts me through another 'freezing' cycle.

Eventually, you begin to add some playful kneading into the mix. I hiss the first time you do it, scooping my bloated stomach and basically squeezing at it. My esophagus burns and I let out a pitiful, pained exclaimation as it does.

"More tea might settle your stomach, love." You suggest, leaning over to refill my mug from the electric kettle we have on the counter behind you.

I shake my head, ignoring the tea as you bring it to my face. I press my face into your neck, avoiding the mug. I didn't eat much today, but my stomach feels over-full. Sour stuff has been trying to come back up since I woke up at noon. Honestly, at this point I don't even know what I want anymore. Having it come up might be a quicker way of feeling better, but the idea of choking on what feels like a sizeable amount of spew terrifies me. I can't breathe through my nose, I'm having a very hard time keeping air in my lungs due to the coughing fits, and my throat and head hurt more than I remember them ever hurting before. The idea of throwing up sounds like it'd finally get rid of the unrelenting, uncomfortable pressure in my belly--but it'd still be at least twenty or forty minutes of enduring absolute hell to achieve…and I don't know if I'll be able to withstand that at the moment.

[crimeronan]

WHEW okay. ROUGH fucking start to the morning but things are gonna be okay now. putting under a cut for people who don't care abt my endless unrelenting medical drama but for those who do. Come On This Fucking Journey With Me.

so, necessary background.

i have been having intermittent medical emergencies since february and my doctor has been trying since march to get me a specialist rheumatology appointment. the rheumatology clinic keeps ignoring the referral and/or saying that they need more paperwork and documentation for it.

my doctor has at this point provided them with

her physical observations of my visibly abnormal symptoms

all of the many many many many Many medications i've been prescribed and their effects on said symptoms

multiple different types of positive ANA showing i have uncontrolled progressive autoimmune disease

all my negative antibody tests (have yet to test positive for any one specific antibody)

my doctor - who is excellent - has also followed up with them repeatedly to try to get me scheduled. because i am dying. like i try not to be super dramatic here bc i don't like worrying people and maybe i'm overblowing my symptoms but like. when you're at the point that one of your partners schedules an impromptu overnight flight to come up and monitor you for a week bc your other partner is on vacation & you're in danger of stroking and being unable to call an ambulance for yourself if someone isn't in the room to notice the signs...... i feel like at that point it's fair enough to say I Am Fucking Dying. i am dying. i've been dying for months. like very slowly and inconsequentially but MORE THAN MOST PEOPLE ARE DYING AT ANY GIVEN TIME.

so two weeks ago, after even more fucking phone tag, rheumatology was like. we have all of your tests and documentation now. we'll call to schedule you in soon :) if we don't, call us in two weeks!

today is, of course, the two week mark.

i thought it was strange that they hadn't called because my current symptom progression is usually triaged as The Top Tier Of Autoimmune Medical Emergencies. and my doctor herself has gotten me in for same-day appointments whenever i develop new symptoms because i am apparently not being fucking dramatic about how fucked up i am.

but! rheumatology is overburdened by a combination of COVID-era backups and a MASSIVE influx of newly disabled people with long COVID. and they're dealing with the same understaffing and shortages as the rest of the healthcare system. so it wasn't THAT weird.

called the clinic as soon as they opened this morning. was put on hold for a few minutes, which is normal.

guy gets back on the line. informs me they actually Don't have the test results that they need to schedule me (even though they TOLD ME THEY DID two weeks ago). and that they can't help me.

at this point i got off the phone and had a hysterical crying breakdown so profound that multiple partners swooped in to make a Shitload of Very Testy phone calls to various places on my behalf. bc they love me and are wonderful i am very loved. i have been taking the whole "actively dying" thing in stride for months for the most part but apparently this morning i hit my Fucking Limit. because OH MY FUCKING GOD.

so after an hour of hysterical crying, the receptionist at my main doctor's office calls back. she has always been very kind and takes calls from me / my partners extremely seriously, because of..... you know. The Everything.

she's just as kind and sweet and apologetic as ever but also there is kinda an undercurrent of apoplectic fury. she's spent some time trying to figure out What The Fuck Is Going On. turns out that

there was one more test rheumatology needed, even tho they said they had all my documentation. ok. fine.

my doctor did in fact order this test immediately after my last appointment.

i did in fact have the bloodwork done for this test immediately after my last appointment. like within an hour.

there was NO REASON for rheumatology not to have these test results.

except.

that the phlebotomist who took my blood.

ran every fucking ordered test.

except.

the one.

i needed.

to get scheduled.

with rheumatology.

so i've been waiting two weeks for fucking Nothing. because i thought i had my referral sorted. and the rheumatology clinic did not fucking inform my doctor that actually! they were wrong! about having the documentation to schedule me in!

the receptionist called up the lab to make sure that they Can run the necessary test. confirmed that they can. then she called up the rheumatology clinic and sent over all of my current documentation all over again and told them to be on the lookout for the final test. THEN she called the lab AGAIN to say, "hey, i'm sending you this order electronically, but i'm making an extra note that you guys need to do it right this time, AND you need to treat this as highest priority n analyze the results immediately. and i'm giving you the specific test number right now to make sure you fucking write it down correctly."

and then she gave ME the test number. and said "write this down. and when you get there, ask them what the number is for your test. and make sure that it matches."

which all took up most of her morning and truly was going above and beyond, all she really Needed to do was resend the lab order n tell me to go get more blood drawn. ESPECIALLY since it's an indie office & she handles ALL of the patient scheduling and bureaucracy.

but she is mad. and also i have dying patient privilege.

i felt much better after this because tbh half of why i was so upset was because i already know i have multiple forms of irreversible damage to various body parts and i really fucking physically feel like i get closer to dying every day and i really cannot fucking deal with being triaged as a non-priority possibly-faker hysteria patient.

but this does not seem to be the case.

so. unless something ELSE manages to go wrong with all of this bureaucratic bullshit, what's going to happen is: i am going to drive to a lab 45 minutes away to get my bloodwork done today bc that's the closest place with same-day appointments. i am going to call my doctor's office and tell them that the blood test was done, bc the receptionist said to call her from the parking lot once i'm finished. my doctor is going to receive the test results and send them to rheumatology either today or tomorrow. and within two weeks (Supposedly For Fucking Real This Time), rheumatology will ACTUALLY FUCKING CALL TO SCHEDULE ME IN.

in the most ideal and luckiest world, i will in fact be triaged as an emergency case. which means things will move fast in terms of both getting a call from the scheduling team and getting scheduled in. however it's also possible that they will have patients who are in, like, multi-organ-failure shutdown crisis, who obviously need to be prioritized above me. i do have endless paper documentation and visible physical symptoms stating that i am very very very sick, so. fingers crossed but i don't want to jinx it.

this post is very long. medical bureaucracy is a nightmare. i am very very very lucky and blessed to have so many life partners who are willing to advocate for me because as you can imagine, none of this is easy to navigate when you are unbelievably fucking sick and have a brain that is progressively losing the ability to retain language or executive function or memory.

in conclusion.

being sick is so stupid.

[yellow-lemon-lime]

Hi I hope this isn't rude to ask, but I saw on a post that you deal with self blame delusions? And well I wanted advice on how to help someone cope with that. Because my sister has this idea (tbh I'm hesitant to call it a delusion since she has her own logic for believing it which I can understand even tho it's great logic) that she is the sole cause of everything wrong in my life, including that I'm chronically ill*. Which is just not the case at all?

*I have me/cfs, one of the theories is that it's essentially long mono, since my sister had mono once she thinks she gave it to me which caused me to get cfs and cause my chronic illness. But since I was asymptomatic and only know I had mono at all is because of biomarkers we don't even know when I had it so she might not even given it to me in the first place.

(sorry if this is over stepping a boundary or something, but she doesn't want to do therapy and I don't know what else to do...)

Hi @skydemonizark Sorry for the late reply, I was out with my husband, and we just recently got home. Don't worry, your question is neither rude, nor stupid to ask. I am more than happy to answer any question, one might have about a lived experience with delusions, psychosis or schizophrenia in general.

I will preface this by saying, that this is only my experience with delusions and schizophrenia. Others may have totally different experiences, and that's okay, because even though, delusions (and schizophrenia) follow general rules. How we experience the symptoms are different for each person.

I will also say, that I am not a licensed therapist, psychologist or psyciatrist. Again this is solely based on my lived experience. I strongly advice anyone who is dealing with a medical problem - whether it is somatic or psychological, that they contact a professional or in emergency cases dial 911/112.

Now in order to answer your question. It's important to know what a delusion is and isn't. A delusion is a belief in the patient, that is neither naturally and/or culturally possible. F.x. Believing that Jesus is the son of God, is not a delusion, because many people believe that, so that is culturally acceptable. Believing that your neighbor is Jesus himself, would be a delusion, because only you believe that, nobody else does, and especially not your neighbor.

I cannot say whether your sister's belief IS a delusion, but I know from my own experience that logic is a huge part of delusions, but it's a twisted kind of logic.

Let me give you an example with one of my own delusions: I got a job at the hearing aid center, at my local hospital. When I started working there. The waiting time for new users was approximately 6 months to 1 year. When I had been there for a while, the waiting time had skyrocketed to over 2 years. Now my delusional logic, told me, it must be because of me, right? It happens just as I start working there. How could it not be my fault? So I felt constant guilt about making things hard for deaf/hoh people in my town. And please be noted, that I had no idea that it was a delusion. I wasn't diagnosed at the time, I wasn't even being evaluated. So I had to rely on my own twisted logic, with this delusion as well as the other delusions I had. Sometimes I doubted my logic, but for me it was like having two logics. One wasn't more right than the other.

When I did get the diagnosis, and started on medication and therapy, I noticed a change in my way of thinking about my blame about the waiting time. I am fully aware that medication and/or therapy isn't for everyone. We are all different. But for me, both things were essential to getting better. Antipsychotics, didn't remove my delusions, but they sort of prevented the anxiety I got from those delusions. But I still needed to fix my twisted logic. At the time I got my diagnosis, I hadn't been working at the hearing aid center for a good month (I was literally forced to quit just before I got my diagnosis) Time went by and I didn't have the delusion-induced anxiety anymore, but I still had the belief that the increased waiting time was my fault. One day I was sitting with my therapist, and we were talking about big and small, and I mentioned the delusion, like I had done a few times before. For some reason, I also mentioned, that, oh there was this one audiologist who had mentioned, that the hearing aid center had let off a huge portion of the workers there, and my therapist asked me: "Don't you think, that could be why the waiting times increased?" And I gave it a thought, and thought, maybe my therapist is right.

You're telling me, that your sister doesn't want to do therapy, and I 100 % respect that. Therapy should be done willingly, and only in the event that a person is in danger to themselves or others, should forced therapy be even considered.

I would try mainly 2 things. One thing would be what my therapist did to me, and try to find counter-logic to the delusional logic. Do be adviced that it may not necessary work, if the person is so in deep with their delusion, that no amount of outside counter-logic can get through. The one thing I strongly advice against with any delusions, is either agreeing with the person, or saying to the person that they must be crazy or something. Both things can be very detrimental to the persons mental wellbeing.

The second thing I would try to do, is to switch the whole agenda. Yeah it sucks that you both got ME/CFS, even if you personally are asymptomatic. Instead of focusing on the "why?" or "who?" try focusing on the "how?" Don't ask yourselves, why did you both get this? Who is to blame? Instead ask yourselves, "How can we manage the symptoms we may have, and how can we support each other in living with this illness?" and I believe that could go for anything, that she, you, or a third person may struggle with. Someone may have asked. "Why did this happen to me?" They may never get an answer. So they should instead ask "How do I get going from here?"

I also advice you to take care of yourself, eat a varied diet, get plenty of hydration, exercise to the point that you are able to. Get plenty of sleep. If you take medication for anything, keep taking that. Also be a little selfish, and buy yourself chocolate or something once in a while. And in any case you start feeling, that something is wrong, mentally or somatic. Don't hesitate to contact a medical professional.

I hope my answer gave some insight, although it's just one experience. I invite any person with schizo-spec illness/psychosis or delusion, or possible mental health professional (if there are any on tumblr) who might be reading this to give their insight and opinion. I wish you and your sister and the rest of everyone around you, a pleasant and carefree day

[brineffxiv]

While teaching small children the art of murder, Alisaie pauses to reflect on the feelings brought to her by the vision Emet-Selch showed us of the Final Days of Amaurot.

You say that, but the more I learn about the world that used to be and what happened to it, the more appealing the mask starts to look...

Such reminiscing prompts me to visit the lookout once more, where yet another fateful meeting is to take place...

It's me! The ancient me again!

...do mine eyes deceive me, or do I have a black mask? Perhaps that's just an effect of the lighting.

You're just as surprised to see me as I am to see you, aren't you?

These are Elidibus' memories? They're very distorted, at least compared to what I'm used to seeing. I notice the masks are all the same too, despite us knowing that each of the Convocation has a unique one. Is it stylized for simplicity? Or is there something wrong with Elidibus' recollection of the past..?

Yes. I did. I don't feel good about it, but it's the truth. I am as big a monster from your point of view as you are to mine.

Makes sense. In a frightfully short span of time I have done more to derail your plans that any other in your phenomenally long existence. You need to be rid of me, ere I extinguish all hope of ever healing the world.

Now I'm curious. Did you watch as it happened, or did you somehow see it after the fact? If you were there, why did you not step in to prevent his death? We won against Emet-Selch, certainly, but we'd have been hard-pressed to deal with two Ascians at once.

...No, I don't think you could have been there. You seemed to only realize that Emet-Selch was dead when I saw you on the moon. And, you did not know of his final words to us. So I wonder, how did you come to know the details of our fight?

You... have memory problems, don't you? Something not simply explained by time, I'd wager. Because I'm pretty sure you knew me, you shouldn't have seen the vision of the ancient me otherwise.

G'raha! Your arm!?

You bastard!

That's because he's rejoined an extra time.

Hang on, does Elidibus not know that? Emet-Selch figured it out... but if he didn't tell Elidibus before dying... Oh. Elidibus has no idea that G'raha is from a different version of the future... Thus he doesn't know about any of the things that made Emet kidnap the Exarch. Hmm. We'd be wise to keep that quiet then.

G'raha is fine. Totally fine. Except the crystal in his body is spreading. Because of how hard he's been working to help us. And despite him claiming he has a plan, and this is all okay... I worry for him.

Oh no, Thancred has collapsed! It seems the weak spells my friends have been having are symptoms of the weakening connection between their souls and bodies.

Looks like it's time for me to head back to the Source and check in on things there, where I find things have taken a turn for the worse...

Wow, it is super dark in here. Good thing I brought my glowy stick.

It is incredibly unsettling to see my friends laid out like bodies in a morgue. I know they're not dead, but the visual... it's worrying. A sign of what is to come if we don't manage to get their souls back where they belong, and soon.

[valiantwombatpanda]

I pass out a lot so here are my tips. Sometimes, I just KNOW it will happen and there's nothing that can be done. I started passing out before having an ED, so I'm a little bit of a pro 😅

1. Right before I pass out I get that *feeling.* it usually starts with black spots, tingling by my jaw/neck, a heaviness in my body and cold sweats. LEARN TO RECOGNIZE YOUR BODY'S CUE.

2. The moment you get the *feeling* sit down. It doesn't matter if you're on the floor. I once pretended to investigate Mac and cheese on the very bottom shelf of a grocery store because I rather have a small fall than a big one and risk a head injury. That would make it a much bigger deal to others around you and that's a sticky situation to get out of. If you are with a friend, explain that everything is fine, this happens from time to time, and not to worry. If they ask if they are supposed to do anything, tell them to just keep you company or ask them to get something for you. Don't panic or make a big deal because they will DEFINITELY panic.

3. I usually have room temp water with me to take REALLY small sips of, and if I can make it to a fan, I try to do that as quickly as my body will allow.

4. Doing steps 1-3 has helped with not falling unconscious, but it's also important to breathe, stay calm, and allow your body to fall unconscious if need be. It will only be for a few seconds and you'll probably wake up without even realizing you were unconscious. You can not focus too harshly on the symptoms because that can cause anxiety and worsen the situation. Just breathe and trust that your body is WANTING to fall unconscious for a reset. You will be okay. I can't explain how important it is to recognize when to try and overcome it and when to let go. Fighting it can sometimes cause the whole thing to drag out minutes longer than it has to vs. Letting go can cut the experience in half.

5. You can not always rely on communication to others. As someone who has experienced fainting since i was an elementary student, i ask for help when it is NEEDED.. sometimes you have to. But again, you can not rely on others to help or to even be there. There have been times I've passed out in public and didn't have the energy to ask for help (I was in a parking lot in 95+ weather. Someone eventually noticed), there have been times my voice is too small and too muffled for anyone else to understand me properly and because of my current state i can't do anything about it, there have been MORE times where I am completely alone and I had to learn how to handle it by myself.

Some things I carry for AFTER:

Deodorant, perfume, and some kind of wipe because cold sweats are gross. If possible, I will keep a spare shirt in my car or even in a sandwich ziploc in my purse.

Have an easy snack available. Nothing salty or tough to chew. Apple slices are great. I've noticed the juice and the easy crunch helps me feel better.

Water! Always have water with you. If you don't like carrying a million things like I do, make sure you have a $5 bill with you. You can buy water, or if you HAVE to kindly ask someone to buy you water if you're in the middle of passing out. The one time I did this I was worried they would just walk off with my $5, but people are usually kind and will get water. That's such a last resort tho.. please try and carry your own water.

For now these are my tips 🤷‍♀️

[minty-fics]

Salt 'n Stairs

Presyncope/Orthostatic Intolerance fic3 

No way am i reading this again to fix anything, thatll be a problem for later minty

Word count: 677

BNHA / MHA / Hero Aca

Gender Neutral c/n

Interaction with TestuTestu, could maybe possibly be read as romantic if you look through the right angle but is mostly just very friendly with a bit of trying to ‘save face’

Summary: Early in the morning c/n runs into TestuTestu in the staircase and he doesnt seem to be doing too well at the moment.

--

"Shit!" A gruff hushed voice whispered, clearly annoyed or mad in some way.

Upon hearing the expletive c/n looks up to find the metallic hero student TetsuTestu… leaning against the wallrailing of the staircase. He closes his eyes and tries to calm the nausea that slowly settles down, yet the slight ringing in his head doesn't go away quite so easily.

"Testu?   ..... You okay over there?"

In shock he turns toward c/n's voice and as he moves he clutches the railing a lil tighter, keeping his balance better and ensuring he stays in place (as opposed to say falling face down on the stairs).

"C/n!? What, what are you doing there?" The boy tries to straighten his posture to make it seem like he wasn't relying on the railing of the staircase to keep him from falling over.

"It's pretty early I've never seen anyone else in this staircase at this time."

"Oh I was actually trying to return something to (name of some other 2a student) before it got too late."

"But TestuTestu." The seriousness in the tone of their voice worries and somewhat confuses him, causing his eyebrows to furl in response.

"You haven't answered my question. Are you okay over there?"

As they spoke c/n walked up the stairs towards the kid who finally seemed like maybe he could stand on his own.

"A-ah, um. I'm fine, nothing out of the normal. Just on my way to get some breakfast, yknow gotta get something in the stomach before starting the day."

At this point they're within a more normal distance for a conversation, and c/n's brows also furl after taking in the physical condition of their classmate.

"You're looking a lil pale, and. You do know you're shaking right?"

/what/

"Well barely shaking nearly swaying. You sure you're feeling okay dude? Wanna sit for a moment?"

.... 0.0

"I just need to get some food first then I'll be fine.... can't really take my iron supplements on an empty stomach."

The problem in this solution is getting to the kitchen or dining hall to get some food, and theres three sets of stairs between him and this goal. Stairs that would be much easier to traverse if he wasn't off-balance and tired.

"Ahhh. May I ask, you've said you have an iron deficiency, is it making you dizzy or nauseous right now?"

"Um, yeah actually. But I'll be fine. How, or, why do you know that it can appear like that?"

"Oh, I actually deal with a fairly similar condition. I get presyncope symptoms too, and in trying to figure out why my body does this I read about how iron deficiencies can cause the same things." "If you're desperate right now, or if you just think it'll help, I got some salt with me."

C/n reaches into one of their pockets to reveal a tiny repurposed mint container, shaking it to hear the tiny tiny sound of salt clusters shaking in the container.

"You don't have to its yours!" TestuTestu tries to courteously refuse but c/n is already shoving it towards his hands.

"I have extras in my school bag and somewhere in my room. Just take it. I'm not sure if it'll help you like it does me but it won't hurt to try. Go ahead."

They smile as TestuTestu grabs the container from them and opens it. "Thank you."    He pours the salty contents in his mouth and makes a grimace-y face at the intensity of the taste.

"I'm actually gonna just sit here for a minute, but you should really get that thing to (name from before). Maybe if I'm still here by the time you're coming back down we can both go grab something to eat before the day actually starts."

"Oh shit, (name from before)'s items. Thanks." They start to ascend the stairs again. "And Testu, take care of yourself and be careful on these stairs when you're dizzy like that alright?"

"Alriggghht." He fakes annoyance but end his sentence with a beaming smile as c/n climbs the stairs to the next floor.

[cookinguptales]

OKAY now that I'm mostly caught up with my dash!

I had a really nice time last night, but, as I suspected, it did kind of throw my body into disarray.

frankly... I've been a little vague about things, but this week has been really hard. I suspect it was largely stress (my family has been...... "dealing" with my grandmother's death on Thanksgiving) but also, idk. I have POTS, ehlers-danlos syndrome, and endometriosis (among other things) and occasionally they all come together to do something truly awful to me just before and during my period. it's like the perfect storm of blood loss (when I don't have enough to start with), super bendy joints (when they're already too bendy to start with), and intense internal pain.

like I won't go into the less palatable symptoms, but it's not actually that unusual for me to have menstrual cramps so bad that they dislocate my hips and ribs. so when I say that this was a bad week for pain, uhhh. please understand that I really mean it. I spent a fair amount of Tuesday just staring into space and shaking, so like. that's probably not great.

so that's why I've been a bit harder to reach! and why I keep forgetting to continue conversations! and why I took a massive amount of painkillers before and after I went to SNM last night!

which is also why I spent most of today sleeping haha

seriously, though, I was a little worried about taking the trip up to NYC when my body had been so... unkind, I guess, but it ended up being a good thing. I was in less pain yesterday than I had been, and I think getting out, meeting new people, and seeing people I love while doing something I love was really good for me. it's easy to get lost in someone else's emotions in the McKittrick, even on high pain days, so... idk, maybe I just needed an experience like that. it felt very healing!

my mind itself has also been... again, unkind. but my head was quiet for the first time in days, so I can't regret going up there last night, no matter how many heating pads I am wrapped in now. lmao

all that is to say uhhh if I've dropped a conversation with you over the past week or been a little snappish or spacy, please know that it's me and not you! and I'm improving. lmao

(and also yes I'm probably going to write you very weird bargarran/boy witch because broooo I saw some stuff)

[whatimdoing-here]

Seizure talk under cut because I need to talk it out.

After not having one since basically January, I've had 2 in just over 2 weeks. Last night's was the worst in over a year. It's also the first one I've had start when I was awake in almost 3 years (2nd time ever out of 12).

I was getting small fry in bed, had tucked him in, and noticed I was having a little sensory one, but then it didn't end, and I could not comprehend what he was saying. So I got up and by the time I hit the hallway I knew it wasn't going to, so I mentioned it as much as I could to M, but at that point I was losing my ability to say words, too.

Laid down, knew it was getting worse, and then the next thing I remember is M talking to me. He gets me to come around and then asks all the questions to make sure I'm okay (that you're supposed to ask when someone seizes). Problem being THAT part is super anxiety inducing to me, because I still have trouble understanding him, and I legitimately can't figure it out at first. Last night took longer than normal for me to fully be able to answer who I am, who he is, what happened, where we were. All the while I'm also frustrated as fuck and pissed because I hate this more than I can say. That my brain freaks out and electrocutes me and there's nothing I can do. Last night I only convulsed for a minute, but then was still unconscious for another two, then took about a half hour to be able to really converse.

I also worry about the nerve endings in my arm. I've been having a lot of arm pain. There weren't any obvious triggers yesterday, which is also worrisome. Besides maybe getting close to ovulation. The day after the one two weeks ago was pretty terrible. Hopefully today will be better, though my head is killing me.

All the while, I'm also really worried about M. It's not easy to watch someone you love go through this I'm sure. Last night he seemed especially not okay after I was okay. He doesn't let on about it, but the way he's quiet and just obviously worried. Also I think that on a normal week he would have been working last night isn't lost on him. T dude knows what he's supposed to do if it happens, but it's still scary.

Ugh. Words can't explain how much I hate this. I constantly have anxiety over any little thing that could be a preseizure symptom even though 99% of the time it's not, and even if it is there's literally nothing I can do about it. You can't stop a seizure. And overall I don't have a bad case I don't know how people deal with more than this. And now of course I'm like do I have a brain tumor? Is something else going on?

That's all. I'm sad, frustrated, pissed. Needed to rant about it.

(also this is why talking to my therapist about what my life/relationship would look like if m and i split or opened up our marriage is so scary to me.)