#I MEAN I LIKED IT VERY MUCH IM ALWAYS UP FOR A GOOD DOSE OF ANGST BUT WHY

[kaiiscottage]

Some Matakara’s from before he got horribly traumatized <3

[save-the-villainous-cat]

Firstly, you and your husband is an extremely great writers!

second, is it alright for a touched starved vampire x touchy human. please, im lonely. thank you very much and have a pleasant day!

An unhealthy obsession wasn’t deadly per se but the vampire didn’t even begin to comprehend that they stood in problems knee-deep. 

It had started with one lazy afternoon, the vampire had lain on their couch and wasted their endless hours graciously. They’d eaten little that week (their eating habits were dangerously bad, even for a vampire) which had left them sleepy and totally useless for the rest of the day. Everything in their vision had swum in a soup of colours and when they’d pressed their palms into their eyes, it left them with the urge to throw up. 

When their roommate had stormed into the apartment, agitated and apparently ready for battle, the vampire didn’t even notice it at first. It was only later when the human straddled them that the vampire guessed their date hadn’t turned out to be successful. What happened after that was a total blur, all that remained in their memory was the feeling of skin on skin and the prurient sounds that filled the apartment.

Ever since that…incident, they touched whenever the possibility arose. Sitting on the couch together didn’t work anymore without holding hands or sitting on top of the other. The vampire had never thought their relationship would develop into this and they had certainly not thought that they would fancy it.

After all, they knew the human since childhood and with that, every dirty little secret they had. And likewise did the human.

What the vampire hadn’t considered was the possessiveness the human personified. They were too blind to see that they were nothing but a puppy on a leash, someone the human wanted to themselves without sharing.

There was some thrill to that — feeling wanted and feeling at peace was something the vampire welcomed. 

“Have you eaten anything today, my love?” The human’s fingers went through the vampire’s hair until their hand was full of it and they were able to pull on it gently. The vampire let out a pathetic whine, still drunk on the feeling of their lover’s hands massaging their shampoo into their skull. 

“Breakfast, yes,” they answered obediently. The vampire was taller than the human and oh so much stronger but in reality, they were never scared of hurting their mortal lover. The human was in charge, after all, wrapping the vampire around their little finger with ease. 

“I don’t mean that, my love.” The vampire turned towards the human and watched them patiently. 

“I’m trying to quit that,” they said, blinking.

“You can’t quit drinking blood. You’re a vampire,” the human said, chuckling at their lover’s response. Even though the vampire already felt hot from the bath, they blushed. Humiliation was something the human used in little doses but when they did, it always forced a reaction out of the vampire.

“I’m still trying.”

“You can have my blood, you know?” their lover said, one finger following their spine all the way down. Their nail scratched a painful line into the vampire’s back but it made them feel some sick ecstasy they couldn’t explain. They drew in a sharp breath. 

“I…I know…”

“You’re good for me, aren’t you?” The human stood up on their tiptoes and pressed a kiss to their vampire’s cheek.

“O-of course.” The vampire threw their head back when a cold hand slid down their stomach. It made them feel like a human again. They had to squeeze their eyes shut and concentrate on breathing.

“You have already claimed my body and my blood, haven’t you?” the human asked with a voice that could’ve been a siren’s.

“…yes—” The vampire’s thoughts were mushed together.

“Then eat me whole.”

[halfsizehellboy]

oh man okay. more thinking

hot shit do i feel enlightened bc audhd House makes so much sense to me!!! he surrounds himself with chaos and novelty and stimulation but still adheres to things that don't change-- his apartment, when he lives in it, it always set up the same way. it's mentioned he's had the same guitar for many years, as well as numerous medical texts. He uses his same red mug all the time at the hospital (he has a designated hospital mug. it lives at the hospital and he only uses it at the hospital). he is very adamant about his office space-- it only changes drastically for him in season 8. just before he leaves. he and Wilson have a fun schedule-- bowling nights, poker nights, etc-- and he does spontaneous stuff all the time, but he orchestrates it. he enacts enrichment time for his fellows and Wilson. he canonically spaces out during/stops processing conversations all the time because he's thinking. he will forget to do basic things while on cases, and there's that one episode where he stays up all night because he's cooking something. he is the king of "shit i forgot to eat. i forgot to shower and pee. i forgot--"

while im thinking of eating!! he has that bad hunger recognition. he will forgo eating for days for cases, fixations, pain levels. he usually eats off of wilson's plate anyways, and i think wilson mainly eats because he's made it part of routine, and that if he forgets to eat house definitely forgets to eat, and that usually ends badly. i dont think house has any specific avoidances but he does usually go for pizza, or anything wilson's made. he likes fries.

the adhd bit makes him more prone to addiction (it's a real thing) and he does show those behaviors (vicodin, alcohol). he has to have either the puzzles or the substances, taking him off both fucked with him a lot (mayfield and afterwards). in prison he got managed doses of vicodin, and he was getting antsy and desperate for the challenge of a good case towards the end of that arc. he all but jumps on that heat allergy guy, risking his chances of parole multiple times to try and get close. side note, did y'all see his equation scribblings on the wall by his bunk? hes so silly

ive also been thinking like. we see very large-scale self destructive behaviors from nearly everyone in the show but we don't see a lot of self-regulation outside of house's stimming so that means i get to make up my own and project onto wilson.

wilson spends a lot of time masking at work so we don't see him fully let loose and i think that he is a fan of full body movement. he's jumping up and down. he's pacing the apartment and swingin his arms. he sways and rocks in place. at the hospital and places that aren't safe he keeps the stim energy to his hands/fingers, or taps his foot/bounces his leg-- things easy enough for neurotypicals to pass off as nervous energy. he loves to click pens but he only does it when he's alone or with house because he knows that other people find it annoying (house doesn't care, he starts clicking/tapping too and it's like they're drumming together). he and house learned morse code and annoy the ducklings and cuddy with it all the time.

bad times wilson scratches a lot (this is me projecting btw). at his scalp, at his arms, anywhere he can get to; and usually he's self conscious enough to do it where he can hide it under his clothes (house is unaffected and can tell anyways)(usually because he's there trying to help wilson stop scratching)(but if he's not he can still tell and wilson doesn't wanna know how). he also presses/rubs his face a lot (in general and not just bad times wilson), and bad times wilson gets abrasions on his eyelids/cheeks from his sweatshirt when he has a meltdown. i've seen another person talk about this, but i think he absolutely tears his cuticles up. he's managed to stop biting/tearing his nails down to nothing but between vigorous scrubbing for the OR and not liking lotion (sensory bad. i need it for my arms and the backs of my hands sometimes and i always wipe it off of my palms and fingers) his hands are so dry. house makes fun of him but he does carry around a nail file because he's trying to stop picking at his fingers regularly, and limit it to a bad times emergency regulatory behavior.

house fights meltdowns to the death. he hates having them, he hates having to be vulnerable like that (and that's a canonical trauma response). he has held one off through sheer will for an entire week before wilson called out sick for him and made him take a day off. they ended up taking a long weekend to recover. on the occasion they're both melting down at the same time, it's a multiple days affair. wilson will recognize what's happening and try to make sure everything in the apartment is low effort and accessible from the floor because house's meltdowns are more often than not pain response and that means that house stays on the floor. and when wilson is melting /neg he doesn't want to leave house. on a sillier(?) note they have a tally/competition for shortest meltdown (wilson), longest meltdown (house), fastest to meltdown (house), longest amount of time spent holding off a meltdown (house), most efficient meltdown (wilson), and most meltdowns located in the hospital (wilson).

man i'm gonna have to make a fic for this, it's getting wild just on posts

[gauntlings]

Pls I am so intrigued by Kira!! Do you have anymore writing or cool facts™️ about her??

oh boy howdy do I!!! you are so sweet to ask tysm ❤️

I do have a tag for her under oc: kira but here are some bullet points because im a certified yapper

- Kira was an absolute little shit when she was younger. Huge hoe phase in her teens & early 20's. in trouble with the law often, and totally has a healthy dose of nepotism to thank for landing her a job as detective. but that career path actually ended up saving her life & she made it her own & takes it very seriously

- in reference to her hoe phase, Kira keeps her tallest & sluttiest stripper heels in the back of her closet, unable to throw them out because she loves them, and even if she has pretty much adopted a more laid back style, they make her feel hot and she likes knowing she still has them in case she ever needs to remind someone who tf they're dealing with. is fairly averse to intimate relationships now that she's in her 30's though, lots of childhood trauma abound that she's working through about it

- chronic insomniac, especially after the Murphy incident. has nightmares pretty much every time she sleeps so she runs off very little of it

- also used to be a big fan of piercings before developing a pretty strong phobia post b1. she has a snake tattoo on her back that she had done (very irresponsibly & probably illegally) when she was like 17. Kira ALWAYS has hand sanitizer on her just in case her skin starts to feel crawly & icky

- was already planning on dropping out of college when Bobby screwed her over and got her kicked out. by then she was already flirting a bit too much with illegal activities to care about classes as much as she should, but she was good at it when she applied herself. she originally wanted to be a social worker to help other lost & troubled kids, before having to go to 'ACAB bootcamp' as she probably (still) calls it

- obviously this goes against what we know is canon but I've always imagined that Kira has or used to ride a motorcycle before it became deeply impractical for her line of work. also you know those vampires would have sabotaged the shit out of that thing to make her stop riding it. looking at you Ava/Adam

- Kira and Morgan looooove shutting the fuck up. Absolutely love chill, uninterrupted silence & saying what they mean & feel, and that's why they're besties.

i am currently writing more about her but so far have only posted little WIP blurbs under her tag. hopefully I'll have something more substantial to post soon but this is perhaps the most I've posted about her so far

see, told you. certified yapper 🙊

also a brief pinterest board for some aesthetic influences

[mamawasatesttube]

So, I'm not a writer, but I am very curious 👀 What do you look for in a fic that features Kon? 👀 What kind of things do you want Kon to do, or experience? 👀 What characteristics of Kon do you absolutely wanna see? 👀 What characteristics of Kon you didn't like but want to see adressed in a fic? 👀 When you're writing, what are three major things about Kon that you MUST INCLUDE NO MATTER WHAT? 👀👀👀 Sorry about the many questions!!!!!

OHHHH this is such a good question okay okay okay. let's see.

what do i look for? primarily, kon having an actual character voice. that's the lowest bar to clear (and yet already takes out... a good chunk of the fics ive seen in the kon character tag 😭😭). he needs to be silly, geeky, deeply kind, earnest, etc. not every fic featuring him will necessarily get into the way he's also existentially lonely and has a Lot of sadness and self-esteem issues (esp after rex leech's roller coaster incident. this has been on my mind today. ough. his self-image never recovered after that one!) but by GOD does he have his issues, so if its a fic going into emotions i want it to do right by his. will def admit thats smth im incredibly picky about.

as for stuff i want him doing? honestly i am here for so much!! i want soft simple character studies. i want action showcasing how fucking powerful ttk can be, especially with a dose of creativity to its use. i want wacky yj space adventures. i want good good whump and hurt/comfort. i want him getting swept off his feet. you could sell me on almost any plot if it's well-written.

re: characteristics... i don't really split them up quite like that, i think! he's a well-rounded character, and that includes both strengths and flaws. ideally, a good fic will include both of these and represent them fairly (like, he's not perfect by any means, and he can do stupid things and struggle with personal issues, but on the other hand very few things tick me off more than portrayals where he's just completely incompetent and dumb as a rock, lmao).

BUT REGARDING MY OWN WRITING. ohhohoohoohooho three things i ALWAYS have to include? a) geek-ass loser (affectionate). i think it is SO endearing and also very humanizing as a quality that he's a trekkie/wendy fan/star wars nerd/etc. b) mixed-race metaphors. they may not be overt depending on the piece but the "child of two worlds that doesn't quite fit into either" thing is Deeply intentional. and c) HES A JUGGERNAUT!!!! i firmly believe adult fully realized kon (a kryptonian, with full kryptonian powers, WITH TTK) is a force of fucking nature. i like this so much and i specifically also always like it when he is at any given moment about 0.4 seconds from freaking the fuck out about how it's Too much strength.

to me, kon is a character made of some very delicious contradictions. he's so painfully human and yet grapples hard with his own personhood and humanity. he's a kryptonian and an alien but he's a child of earth. he's terrified of his own power. he wants nothing more than to protect everyone he loves (and everyone he doesn't love, too). he's always ready to crack a joke or make a silly reference, but he is deeply sad and spent so much of his early life suicidal. he contains multitudes. (and this isn't even getting into my hcs on his gender/sexuality crisis! ksjdhf)

i feel like a gripe i often find myself having when looking for kon fics is that he often gets slotted into the role of "emotional support boyfriend with no personality or role of his own" though, which i guess is why "does he have a distinct character voice?" is my first litmus test for whether i'd want to keep reading or not.

a good kon fic will embrace all his contradictions, i think. (a good fic for any character, really, should show them as well-rounded and three-dimensional.) and i for one love his Problems and Issues, bc man, it's a very fun space to play in! <3

[mcl38]

they haven't quite turned on vcarb the way they did mclaren but from what i've read that seems to be bc daniel keeps saying "it's not the same problem as mclaren" when like idk dude if the only time you've finished a race ahead of yuki was bc you got put on softs at the end of the race it is smelling very shades of mexico '22 to me. just without the having to make up a time penalty bc u punted yuki off the track.

i can say yuki is already getting the lando treatment though. "hOW MANY RACES HAS HE WON AND YOU DARE SAY HES PERFORMING BETTER THAN AN 8 TIME GP WINNER?" (ya i'll go to the top floor of my apartment and shout it into the void through a megaphone too what are you going to do about it) only this time there's a heavy dose of racism added in. the amount of people i have seen calling yuki a "pokémon" derogatorily and refusing to admit the racist connotations there are wild. not to mention the ableist terms i've seen be used to refer to his height. it's all very gross and yet again daniel says nothing to even try to prevent it. it's wild how someone always has to get harassed by his fans regardless of if he fails or succeeds.

ok so like first of all yikes. i rly rate yuki but im v selective w my online (especially my tumblr)

experience so i rly almost never venture out of my mclaren-centred bubble, which means i never rly see what ppl say abt him. 'pokemon' is actually vile like thats so clearly racist bc its not even a pun of his name at all or any sort of reference to his personality?? AND the fact that its a cartoon w the infantilising implications of that... ku's essay on the infantilisation of east asian drivers u will always be famous.... like u guys ever noticed how nyck is also rly short and has a youthful face and nobody ever talked abt him in the way they talk abt yuki? much to think abt

now. permission to be mean here but even if its 'not the same problem as mclaren' is the problem not STILL the fact that daniel in his 10+ year career hasnt bothered to understand the way the engineering of f1 cars works in like any material way and thats the reason he always struggles to identify his driving issues / has a disconnect with his chassis unless its tailored exactly to what he already likes and knows how to drive? i saw that bit from newey's book about how max and checo give rly good feedback and so did webber and vettel and it was kind of subtly implying that during the bit in between (the daniel era) he designed less effective cars be he wasnt getting enough precise feedback.... i genuinely havent been able to sleep at night since. like it felt like smth slotted in my head like aaaah this has been the problem all along. if only daniel wasnt so busy going on podcasts making fun of the idea of women in motorsport and actually spent some time to do some way overdue physics homework... lol. Imao even

the truth of the situation is yuki is in the best form of his career and also wiping the floor w daniel. like factually so. EVEN with team orders favouring daniel so his fans cant say its bc of that like they did with mclaren. i genuinely think its quite sad the amount of personal stock daniel fans have clearly invested in this mans career and how much it bothers them when he doesnt perform to their expectations - like he's ur driver, swallow it and accept it, because thats what he's been doing to try to move on. doing all this intense online hate bullshit only makes him look bad bc it highlights how badly and for how long he rly has been embarrassingly underperforming. but by this point it feels like they WANT him to underperform bc they crave that martyr underdog victimised figure to root for and fight for - which is why ur totally right anon, that someone always inevitably gets harrassed regardless of if daniel is failing or succeeding. 

i will say one thing which is that i rly dont think daniel is at all aware of whatever the fuck his fans do on twitter and instagram (and deffo not tumblr lmao). so i dont think this is an issue of like him telling his fans to chill out - and it doesnt work anyways, bc lando literally has made talking abt how much cyberbullying sucks a part of his personality and theres still some rly mean and hateful lando fans (not in a fun way like me<3 lol) (i hate on my own blog and in discord groupchats). so like thats not necessarily on him, its more on netflix for making him the lowest common denominator guy to like, ykwim? also the unfortunate reality is that despite the tshirts and the kneeling (or no kneeling) no one rly seems to stand up to defend the drivers of colour who literally constantly get SUCH vitriol thrown towards them w any occasion. im not expecting daniel of all ppl to say anything abt it ngl

[toinfinitywinning]

this is get to know you time. the cringy name game at every camp in the world you do with toilet paper. enough.

Conversations and thoughts resembling the same level of random and incongruence of my Apple Music library. like Josh Groban is to Eminem: Mercy Me. a lot about everything that’s not a hashtag bc it just needs more attention.

Let the first (post) be first:

Hi. I’ve never done this before (like a seriously grown up blog on purpose. Just when just followed sad somewhat desperate poetry with a random live-laugh-love meme in there somewhere.) and Pitch Perfect.

BUT.

For 2 years I’ve had Long-Haul COVID. It’s a different kind of lonely

Thanks so much, amirite? —Gen-Z apologies if I didn’t use that jumbled acronym-word correctly.

It’s hard to keep up.

See? What am I talking about now and how did I get there…

Due to a very common symptom of LHC…

Again—hard to keep up. It’s there. Tho

And I have a lot of quirk so it’s possible I think you’ll “get” but are just nice not to tell me

BUT.

It’s already gone. Train left the Station yesterday.

Slipped on a penny.

Not Good. not even funny.

Teens with the gorgeous graffiti have to Go elsewhere. I’ve always been jealous of that kind talent.

Whole lot better than something else shiny thrown on the track and it’s derailed. There’s at least some innocence in a paint can.

WOW.

I have major attention and Brain Fog hurdles to conquer or shortly bypass. You might not be able to tell b/c of how My writing jumps around so infrequently.

Not true but still easier.

Mostly innocent and playful.

Sadly the attention part is this many years young.

Writing comes naturally. As it always has, strangely...

And why is healing so exhausting? Writing is therapeutic but My body says—can you not?

i know im not the only one asking that!

As if I have time for that too.

find a community of people suffering just as similarly and gain strength, tips and tricks.

Just, speak-screen edit my writing for me. Maybe a clarification fact-✔.

Just not wherever Tr*mp gets his.

Could be Truth Social. Monthly fee tho will cost you your Red Hat.

MYGAbad

Speaking I struggle with processing w/e skills I must have held onto.

BUT.

Since 2 years is quite. some. time.—I’ve shared many struggles and victories.

Like a Bell curve. Or a punk Domino falling then lining them up takes longer just to go down again in half the time. Repeat.

It’s very likely I Will try to talk about many things at once.

I really can’t help that. LOL.

Jury’s still out but I get most of my writing and miscellaneous musings from mom.

Dad can write the best, longest, and precious prayers and notes.

Almost delicately but like you KNOW he’s giving you a hug.

A Good mix tape’s paper Version.

Enter Run on sentences. Truly a stream by now.

Although my brain muscle is weak I’ve been encouraged by several people to Start a blog. Someday I’ll include the past 2 years of w/e pics are on other SocMed.

I can’t think of anything worse.

Yea, okay LOL.

Judgment free. Occasionally… like normal doses then have to work through that.

Mostly that’s because I knew nothing about anything before I opened My computer and started sharing My thoughts under zero context ridden or form at all.

More likely as well to offend and piss someone off. Well done you’re now one less friend popular. There’s an App for that tho-tracking people Who don’t like you.

Not sure where I’ll land with this. It may not land you either.

Because like a lot of us. Sometimes you don’t get to talk actually. No Room.

I like routine; that’s out. So it gets dull.

I’ve learned I hadn’t yet given myself the space to see all of things I can do sitting down.

But. By “given” I mean to say that perhaps I didn’t know it was there.

One Good thing I’ve gathered from this Hell.

Hell fresh by the Day! Never frozen.

So at that time and in this case of my life; sitting is fine.

Some of it isn’t too bad. The writing. You will find questionable punctuation. Run on sentences that I was running.

Relevance at all.

All around Confusion…altho connect the dots could have been seen as practice.

Or annoying even. I’d have no words.

I truly don’t set out to be funny. I could never do stand-up or improv. Or act.

Humor forced just takes and receives too much energy that might come off insincere.

Nothing on command.

Like Matt Perry’s brilliant improv wit it just doesn’t hit the same.

B/c it was scripted.

A syllabus for it Imagine.

The horn to jump off the swim block.

It’s when Life feels more scripted a lot of people close up.

That’s because you’re not in charge anymore. I’ve lost the Power.

Don’t prefer caring about whether someone likes me like I used to.

I believe you can snooze me for 30 days or say ‘I’m done w/ her’ and send Me to the cyberarchives.

Okay. Okay.

So—90% of the time I’m witty and sarcastic with a bit of cynicism, discomfort (for you), and pettifogging.

I write primarily about the questions of intersectionality.

How do things fit.

Let’s Fit it.

Until I figured out physics and calculus and basic math were behind a career in architecture and the classes I would have to take, I enjoyed taking things apart to make something else.

Not always pretty.

Could be Good what I took apart was the best thing we can’t see.

Like I’m writing questions but with wisdom not meaning to do that either,

A lot of people don’t like that. You do you! Baby.

I don’t mean to be at all harsh or hurtful. I try not to say that anything vainly.

I say it b/c a lot of what I’m writing is all of every piece of stream of consciousness tallied.

And it was a synapse connecting another.

Maybe that’s the creative part? The other side of My Brain is telling Me to ✔ on the other side so I’m like…crickets.

What I write is stream of consciousness, brutally honest and to some might be lightly offensive. In College writing this Way would’ve absolutely driven Me crazy.

Then life steps in and bonks u on the head with a newspaper but 15 years later returns the favor with an iPhone.

Or too blunt. And comes across as harsh. And that’s mostly because if I don’t have an emoji to match my real-life broken ღ I’m breaking up with you.

Self reflection: impulsive

I used to journal so much growing up.

When did I lose that innocence?

We can’t talk about folding paper into cranes and witchcraft finger fortune games anymore?

No more MASH?

Huh, maybe you weren’t born this Way. Ur Parents just drew circles nearest each other or your apple stem twist broke too soon and you want a partner whose name starts with P.

Very often I overshare. If you’re reading this this is not brand new information. No ability to say things simply. Think I’ve already. That can put me really vulnerable to more bitcoin hacks.

And then you need to figure out what bitcoin is. And whether Mario can collect coins as well in place of the hackers.

I’d say ask Tom Brady b/c of his investments but since retirement he’s been pretty deflated.

Mean people that mean to hurt.

First of all I feel sorry for you. Not in a poor you tho.

People Who hurt on purpose don’t often have any Way to vent or get a rise other than evoke feelings in and deflect toward a schoolmate.

Skip back to the part I tried talking about vulnerability. It truly is the invisible cloak and no one can see you but nothing makes sense still and you’ve only fixed what’s on the outside. Now you’re peeved AND cloaked.

At this conjunction junction next I’d suggest try shopping at Target opposed to Abercrombie then.

Feet in the water right above bankruptcy to see how things could be different only what…if?

Good ♧ seriously.

So there’s more grace given when you fall. When it’s not your month Day or even year!

Nobody is there for you!!

And My cloak is getting rained on.

Maybe gathering strength from falling will come a common sense with a 6th one but with seriously meaningful things I’ve learned and less hard knock’s Life for us.

The hard Way.

The bottom’s still there and it actually stinks stinks. Discouraging b/c there are two sides to the bottom of the cave full of stalagTITES and mites.

All the up’s and down’s. Right there. And the COVID-19 bat OMG!

You know you may not be able to fall any further further but once you’re up again you’re wondering whether you should get some cement to close that thing off.

Choose to live! But welcome to the real world—it sucks—ur gonna Love it.

Almost 4got. In the cave you dont always have to wait for Jesus to be resurrected if that metaphor comforts you but if change comes and it requires a whole new worm can of Life we already can’t handle that gets us outta the dank I don’t think we need to ask permission to the rights of that Bible passage.

BUT.

Until YOU are ready for change...

Forget it. At least you meant well. Someone can guide that horse to water but it stays pretty hydrated, so he says he’s Good. Promise. The only talking animal and it was Me Who got to hear it. More importantly, who’s gonna ☊? Care? There’s a country song finding out Who your Friends are. A lot stay lost and it’s not helpful all our Friends aren’t the same.

Missing a Good chance to find out if you’re in a similar predicament and that not always a bad thing.

At times I have literally had to be lifted off the floor.

I don’t do this at all for pity. As you read, My Pride is the biggest obstacle to let Go.

When you do?

The hard way through this.

I am angry and irritable for bouts. Sometimes I’m silly and invite karma punishments.

Go all Brimstone and every type fire and the Old Testament has nothing New-thinking and no one new to add to it. SMH. Nail a list on the wooden church door reading it is nearing endgame. Or, Just open your hotel drawer and tear out the back half.

So change then— If it were Me and it has been just not an actual hole I’d be outta there due to the spiders and crickets alone. Jiminy’s Cool.

If u can’t change and just stay a novice bunny hill—fine! Stay there. Build some confidence through experience.

And isn’t that another thing? Something specific motivates the fire under your (cuckoo!) and before you’d see the dark without any End of the tunnel and more importantly with the light aspect. All the sudden you care b/c what? It applies to you of course be selfish. Fascinating yet humbling.

Then there’s the ‘Why Me’ (?) phase? Not fully pitiful but just pretentious enough to resume the trailblaze. Bad attitude with a healthy dose of are we there yet and trying to Balance whether someone is saying …’they get it; you always feel bad’ so…KY Basketball banter? Ashamed accompanies too bc thing is a few times I did kind of scoff at phrases like I always feel bad. Like, here’s 2 Extra strength Tylenol.Alright, Ok, come test for Covid 1/29/22. It shouldn’t take going through something to empathize with or change but you could’ve listened for longer with a clear mind. Just cannot wrap your head around it and I think sometimes that’s okay. What’s next I’ll try so hard.

+ It’s 12:01am of 1/29/24 (so last night), you still can’t do math and/or struggle to add or subtract 12 so aren’t entirely sure its your sophomore year orientation, and you already surrender to what you didn’t want to get up for in the first place. Kind of silly u set the alarm! B/c Pain, confusion, Discomfort and a Deep loneliness that has very little to do with people awaits. That whole scenario is a disaster but look who’s standing and GOT. UP. period. 15 years ago that’s where I’d be. Just defeated.

THAT. Is enough some days. I say that to you struggling to believe the same but know Deep down.

Year 2 longhaul and youre wondering why there are anniversaries at all given about half are always sad or tragic. Evoking the worst on what could be the best. Might be something To think 2 minutes ago you’d ended your prayer to have a better Day. Of anything is true about everything happens for a reason I’d say having to chooose how to respond given you have the privilege at all to that just means were normal. B/c ill be honest I would not

I’m angry. WHAT is so complicated about your lack of Faith or belief prayer must go into an encrypted iCloud even the FBI can’t retrieve or interpret. Never had a chance! But I’ll add that it’s worth noting prayer doesn’t deal with its existence in transaction currencies..

Feel less Pain but feel more with it or stronger now. Or, just plain ‘ol numb. Similar to Addiction I suppose people get so used to being healthy one Way or another they don’t even notice better OR worse and no one is getting married.

Truth is.

Yea.

I’m in Hell, but I’m not on a ventilator. I’m not without relentless Support.

I still can smile but laugh just a bit before it hurts.

Something is always worse.

SomeONE is doing worse.

Somewhere and definitely rn.

I never knew I’d be dealing greed of perspective for this Long.

Something you’ll never find out about that changed your life’s trajectory where an explanation would have only confused things.

Then we still have the chance to be astonished and then genuine bc of that. Thankful. Expectant. With Faith somehow. Maybe carrying someone else’s Hope for a while might burden you less for a short time.

You dont need to see eye struggle and suffering. You dont need examples. You just know. There’s a fleeting peace u might not see again for 2 days but in knowing it’s not just you with the same bs going on.

Like here. Here is someone who needs support but in a different Way but how unique it could be to trade just for a bit. It’s not leg day this time remember u agreed a temp trade.

We don’t have to know everything. Most of the time I don’t give God the time to keep up w/ Me let alone do anything miraculous before I just hang up.

Although My Life was headed in a completely renewed direction in so many ways of recovery—

I got sick. Not because it was meant to be.

Because COVID. Possibly a rabid bat. Cracked vile or petri-dish

Everything does not happen for a reason and ppl dont like hearing that bc its an easy out. Says time might go on but this thorn wont ever heal. How do we respond? that’s the most authentic and a strength yes or no wand.

I hate cliché. Thing is tho…I think we all hate it b/c it doesn’t hold us accountable. Eh it’s fine.

Unfortunately we wouldn’t have the pretty, surprise, one of the Walk to Remember walks. All up to the of healing and forgiveness individual to each of us.

If for Me that means ive healed all I can and I’m counting on research to help Me out some more maybe I just keep going. Trust Me nothing is forgotten but you do know now that at least you were strong and capable enough to figure all that at all. And—I can do that. Some days aren’t that kind.

Maybe it becomes a goal we never anticipated but ✔ your resilience at the ticket line and saddle up, honey.this donkey only holds ____ lbs. let some things Go. That thing will still only walk in a circle but you’ve evenly distributed your baggage.

The feeling of pure joy. Which btw does still require a thesaurus b/c it is NOT the same as joy. Like a preventative Med to an acute one.

Then feel Accomplishment.

Not knowing what’s next but trying to be prepared.

It’s a surprise party we never RSVP’d and don’t regret it.

And it’s a Good thing u got outbid for that yacht.

Hell, tho, you won’t be forgotten but pushing helps the donkey move faster for now that is acceptable.

Unshun. Reshun. (This will make sense if you Watch the Office)

Flee fly. Be gone. Thankfully we hope to come out more resilient after the rip and tear and often not fully repaired sewing lessons.

But perhaps the biggest trait I’ve had to work on is My Pride. I want to do it.

I’ll give myself 3 strikes. 4 balls.

Then I walk to First.

Please do not get Me a gift.

I Love you and that was so sweet.

Would I be as generous?

Do u work, yea. It’s just one really hurts more and being tough isn’t tough at all if it’s not helping the worst hurt.

Those are sitting down, timeout thoughts.

The compression socks need to breathe.

But once the Pride slides over, let go, I get to know how it feels to very tangibly be taken care of and watched over.

Patience. The other side of a rant.

Later on that.

My main goal is to learn. Connect. Be called out if something comes off really tasteless.

Laugh at things that don’t have anything to do with being chronically sick. Laugh about what Medicine u had to administer and royally failed.

Sometimes all coupled with a handicap car-tag. No crutches either b/c I don’t like hearing I Will get better. It is a nice statement but it is impossible to be sure. Ive struggled with that b/c I know everyone believes that and means well I’ve just taken prior sick Gentry’s generalization and multiplied.

I am not making light. I think part of me is using the sarcasm as a coping mechanism.

Praise God there is something that does help the pain or at least distract from that Pain just not the one in your legs.

A codependency just a bit less severe. Embarrassing. Reason for judgment. Too easy.

If you can believe it—-I am not the same person I was 2 years ago.

For now I truly don’t know how. Pain can leave, anything traumatic can be worked on. You’ve got your scars.

I actually really think a scar is just unique as a snowflake or fingerprint. Telling so many stories. B/c a scar does mean something has healed. And it never forgets at one time it was painful. I’d prefer to see what I accomplish but I see wonder and beauty in them.

Things get pretty deep, complicated and downright pitifully sad. Vulnerable. Frighteningly true and relevant.

So I take what Good I can get in that day and pray those with LHC (Long-Haul COVID-19)

Be released.

However. On the flip tail’s side.

I’m 35 years aware there are some people who just don’t like me.

Until recently I wouldn’t have meant ‘sorry not sorry.’

I do now. To a respectable extent.

Reader discretion is advised. I promise I never set out to hurt anyone.

definitely not on purpose.

Because. Idgaf. Not bars being held. Que sera, sera.

complete transparency and seriously tho this doesn't mean i dont care. i wear my heart on my sleeve like a ding-dong ready to get hurt.

call it a diversion. we were on a break.

i just might take all of whatever hits wrong and turn that in to whatever ounce of assurance I can with the openness and to the best capability to learn new things and grow with compassion.

And back to writing—may already be just engrained but I don’t ever have a thesis, 3 supporting ideas or a better word then a conclusion.

You might find yourself confused. Reading it again prob won’t help.

Some will be really bad. Ugly. Waste of time. it was at least therapeutic for me.

Already is.

Even more might not make sense.

Read at your own risk, basically.

I have confidence but not really. Just enough not to care to change.

But I think about it. Because I’m wrong a lot.

challenge me. ill try to get through the fog.

But a lot of things have changed. in ways i might not even know Beauty in the Mess.

To sum up the above (sorry, there won’t be another summary after this disclaimer’s commercial intermission.)

I want to be as positive as possible.

Be in control of what I can. Ask for help for what I cannot.

I’m so ready to get My Life back. Trust Me and trust anyone Who tells your theyre in constant pain.

Really embarrassing I used to kind of scoff and be empathetic.

Funny how youre so sure of things.

Until it happens to you.

Suddenly it’s back to the drawing board and humility.

I wear my ღ on my sleeve. My greatest superpower and kryptonite.

What you read is as close to what you get as possible.

Balance can be unfair.

Please know that I care. I try harder than I ever had before. There are things I didn’t even Imagine could happen to someone when sick.

In all the ways I want to come out of this even better than what I envy I was entering into when I got sick.

There will be a WIDE range of thoughts similar to how i write. Mostly Sports and public figures and the politics I can comprehend.

B/c I know there’s someone out there who’s homeless because of this diagnosis. Or was deadly. Fired.

Divorced.

Ive become a bit of a nerd. Childish in some ways b/c you have to be creative…to be creative.

How do I even Start philosophizing that? So I don’t.

So I try My best to be the best I can. Inspire. Elicit laughter and new ways of thinking.

Questions.

Really tho? I just wanna be me.

thank you so sincerly to anything fromn a meme to a gift to a hug a prayer a smile, company, vibes if they can travel

but most of all

for holding hope when ive not been strong enough to.

For better or worse

for loving me.

making me feel heard.

idk what tomorrow holds but if its the same as today ill know at least i can make it and i am still beyond blessed and cared for and loved unconditionally.

even if forever.

wanna feel free, free.

to be me unabandoned.

changed for the better without knowing it.

some people dont have that option.

or even less the resource or safety to write about it.

Lastly mostly—I’m thankful for Insurance and the ability and privilege to work from home. And. Still have a job in general.

A Family and Family reserves holding me.

gentry.gonna.gents/g3

next. and if you made it this far, bless you.

thank you.

you mean more than you know to me. to anyone miscellaneous thanks as well and to my family and extended family and friends and job and insurance.

im in better shape than a lot. perspective sucks in the throes. selfish not selfish but my gosh turn the lights off. each journey is sooo different, but idk find the goodness and inspiration inbtw. There will be a rainbow soon enough, I wont make the bold claim and promise you one tho,

semi lastly and vulnerably, we've all been hurt. all going through something.

I say this every time something really bad happens. Ya know the ‘this is even worse,’ talk.

This one holds every candle.

Funny not funny none are the same and you’re never fully prepared.

and no one knows what it is you’re dealing.

give grace when I can’t sometimes.

cliché’s be damned lets just golden rule it b/c that one’s hard to do too but it sounds cute and Idont see a periodic table saying A! U! Be nice and welcoming.

I know I’ve forgotten something.

So I’ll fight.

But I still get to complain.

Feeling so entitled to this ill.

Sincerely,

Gentry

no ps you're welcome

[fiskesprett]

*crowd boos* yea ok so i know i owe a lot of threads rn and as someone who is in as big of a debt as i am i have no place bringing in another muse but also i have no self control so. yeah im back with jaden fanning who's really the face of the formerly gifted child! he's an allara native paired with an unhealthy dose of escapism which brings him to terra! ...for work, of course! you know the drill: hit that LIKE button and i'll come running for plots again!

aquarius sun / virgo moon / libra rising

born and raised in los angeles! he's got a cookie cutter life with upper middle class parents who stuck together and 3 sisters, 1 older and 2 younger, and they're all relatively close in age! being the middle child and only boy means he basically gets to do anything he wants so even though his sisters pretty much gang up on him, life is pretty breezy honestly

jaden's also a really smart kid and he's one of those weirdos who genuinely enjoys maths so he really excelled in school! him and his sisters are all pretty high achievers in general, so growing up in that environment really helped foster his education

he gets into the compsci program in whatever version of mit is present a millennium later in allara and this is really where his life starts! living away from his childhood home, he was really able to break out of his mould! it's very much like if you've always been a class clown in hs, people expect you to only be a class clown and similarly in his home, people expected him to be jaden, their son / brother / whiz kid, but for once he was really able to just be whoever and do whatever he wanted!

absolutely bombs his first yr in uni thanks to his newfound freedom ( tho bomb in his family's standards is like a B- ) so his parents start calling, sisters start teasing him, everyone starts to get a little concerned for him and he kinda doesn't like disappointing people so he locks in! one thing he's learnt from this tho is that he kind of realises that he can never really be who he wants to be fully, because his family will always kind of be hovering over him ( like family ought to do but yk men n their need for independence )

anw he graduates thankfully and manages to snag an internship with allara's version of terrascape ( allarascape or sumn idk ) as an engineer! has been working there since and he's got some good critical thinking, work ethic & he's got an easygoing personality so he climbs the ranks pretty easily!!

only for things to grow so mundane again? his now 5y old job is very reminiscent of his childhood, how he's now shelved as a can-do engineer and everyone knows and expects him to always act in a certain way

at this point he starts looking for other jobs ( doesn't tell his parents tho bc they'd call him crazy and talk him out of it considering allara(scape) is like. the biggest company in allara im guessing ) and around sometime end of last year, he finds an opening at his company to transfer to terra as an inter-server compatibility engineer! it genuinely felt like the perfect opportunity for him so he applied immediately

doesn't tell his parents until he actually gets approved for the job and is told that he needs to relocate in like a month, and his parents are naturally sad about losing their son but he convinces them like hey, it's only semi-permanent and he can come back anytime if he doesn't like it, he's only doing this to move up in his career and what better way than to be in touch with the other part of his culture ( all lies btw he just wants some excitement in his life ) and his parents eat it up so they agree that he should take the job

but yes! that brings him to terra! he's moved over to the server for about a month or so now so he's literally a fresh face!

personality-wise jaden is really easygoing and has a very try anything once type of mentality! recently, he's been getting into the music of terra ( ngl he found it a lil rocky at the start but it's grown on him ), the games ( iron fist rocks btw ) and their cool dating app, but yeah he'll literally try anything to keep himself entertained!

in saying so jaden bores very easily... he's truly an aquarius at heart in that he loves to try new things but he also learns very quickly and gets bored of them once he does, so he'll run through many different hobbies and interests until he runs out then that jaded feeling leading into escapism comes creeping back in... luckily he's only on his first month in terra tho so the shine's gonna stay for at least 1-2 years still!

ironic but maybe the reason why he bores easily is because he's fostered a pretty boring life for himself 😖 definitely a lot more boy-next-door compared to some of the muses here so really, he's just your typical dude!

considering the event that just concluded i should also say that he's a terra glazer, given that he works with the code he does find it hard to admit that there's anything wrong with the code so if your muse is out here saying that terra is lying and all that he's treating them like scientists treat covid deniers : >> will kinda write them off eek but in saying this he's also not very self-aware lol prob rates himself pretty high on the nice, down to earth scale so take that how you will

you'd never imagine that i'd be able to rattle on about some random guy uve met on the street yet here we are... anw here's some plot bunnies for ya!

i'd love for him to kinda meet anyone working @ terrascape! whether it be thru their mentor-mentee program or if they're chillin at the canteen tgt, he's ur man! he also likes going out for tgif drinks w his colleagues so !

as i said he's getting used to a lot in terra so you can definitely find him in random spots across town! whether it be the quaint bakery no one knows about or that coffee shop everyone knows AND WARNS everyone about! i assume culture is quite different between servers too so maybe he does something that's a little outside of the culture of terra? like if he tries to tip a waiter and they find him rude as hell... ye come educate this white man

honestly he's really getting into iron fist at the moment so i can see him gaming a lot! would love for him to have gaming friends he met thru iron fist and maybe your muse has decided to take pity on this literal noob lol... maybe even games other than iron fist while we're here? he's really trying anyth rn gang! while we're at it i'm also looking for someone he's a big fan of!

speaking of fans and celebrities, he's a compatibility engineer btwn terra and allara, so your muse has thought to transfer to allara briefly for a tour / to go on holiday? he doesn't usually deal with the customer aspect of things and is more present behind the scenes, but maybe bc your muse is famous the ceo employs "a professional" to handle the case and greet you so you feel special and feel enticed to keep spending your merits using this service

he's also been getting used to coach rn so maybe you've matched w him! watch him bring u around to the lamest places bc he doesn't know any place...😌

because he's moved here for his job, (allara)scape's also placed him in the megabuildings! neighbour plots would be kinda cute huh?

[leclerced]

So since I’m done with angst here come some analysis. This is going to be completely biased because I have my favourites yk😌

So I imagine that they’d have their personal favourites. They LIKE everyone but with some there’s some deeper connection if u know what I mean.

And it would be with of course Lando and Oscar but they kinda don’t count right. So after them it’s Carlos because duh. He knows how to please their girl and is always so considerate it’s absolutely amazing and makes all three feel warm inside (and not only because of orgasms). Maybe one time but just one. He shows Oscar how to make Lando cum in seconds. He gives him expert blowjob or hand job idk and Oscar is like “Okay you can’t just do that to him I have a dick too. It’s the first and last time you did it but yes it was hot”

Then Lestappen because they are actually more interested in each other than anything else. So much that the poor girl has to be like “yes you’re hot when you’re making out but you know that the whole point of the meeting is having sex with me right?” And they blush and make her cum like six times and at the end they ask her if they can cum and she loves the power.

Then I think Daniel and he’s below lestappen only because they don’t fuck very often. They like it very much and it’s always a good time but still they don’t really need that with each other. But when it happens…the room needs to be soundproof because they’re both vocal af.

Lewis is next. Same as Daniel not very often and he’s more of a good friend all in all. There are just times when she feels the need to be manhandled by Lewis or Lewis really wants her. She likes his experience but it can also be overwhelming so healthy doses are recommended.

Then Alex and his courting. She absolutely adores it and always giggles when her boys are a bit flustered when Alex gets them something. Especially Oscar that’s new to this and he can be dominant and power hungry with everyone but Alex. I mean how could he be when he got chocolates, new hoodie, a whole meal from the best restaurant in town and freaking flowers because Alex didn’t know what Oscar likes so he kind of got him everything that came to his mind😭✋ And about sex, well she likes being dominating with the boy. He always begs so pretty and it’s exhilarating because usually it’s her in that position.

I’d give George here because he’s always so eager that Lando or Oscar has to remind him about condoms. He ironically has an amazing memory so he remembers all of her spots and can rile her up so the foreplay is always the most enjoyable but then the sex in itself…well let’s say she prefers when Oscar or Lando finish what George started.

And last but not least we’ve got Lance. Sorry not sorry I just don’t really like him so I’m gonna be nice and not elaborate.

Have an amazing day sweetie (can I call you that?)

no this is so good im crying 🫶🏻 yes u can call me sweetie

i have nothing to add this is perfect in everyyyy way. esp the part about lance, so relatable. i forget he exists. in my head he’d be a pity fuck bc they feel bad lance is being left out of the party 😭 but ik some ppl actually like him so i dont wanna be toooo mean to him

[veilkeeper]

I HADN'T SEEN YOU REBLOGIGNG THAT ASK GAME!

ok so. one moment while i throw all of these at you, there will be two of these.

firstly for Roz (my beloved): 3 + 10 + 13 + 20 + 23 + 26 + 32 (im curious about the burn scars) and 48 <3

(consider the amount of questions payback, lov u <3)

oh... the quencies.... (im delighted) okay this one might take awhile

(questions from here)

3. What is your character’s moral alignment?

true neutral leaning to neutral good. they make most of their decisions from the "what benefits me/the people i care about the most" viewpoint with a little bit of the caveat "without needlessly fucking over random people"

10. If your Tav didn’t become an adventurer, what else would they be doing?

the last time they were in faerun they were making a living as a bounty hunter/contract killer in baldur's gate. they were good at it. so probably that!

13. How does your Tav fight in a combat situation?

in game mechanically a lot of their time is spent using ensnaring strike on an enemy and then shooting them until that guy is dead, rinse and repeat until the encounter ends. occasionally they'll also pop divine favour for some extra radiant damage, or cast shield of faith. in my mind palace where roz is allowed to be a powerful scion even before the tadpole, they do that but with a hefty dose of "also i can light you on fire with my mind <3"

(putting the rest under the cut)

20. If you’re romancing anyone, why did your Tav fall for them? And why did that character fall for your Tav?

ive talked about this a little bit before, but initially roz was not falling for astarion. it was like, "okay yeah we'll sleep together because you want to and i dont really care." but eventually, as roz got to start seeing a more genuine side of astarion and he started to really... mean the things he was saying to them, it became a lot more about "i think i can care about you, and maybe... just maybe... you could care about me?" and that's the sort of thing that shakes roz to their core. and coincidentally, astarion kind of goes through the same thing.

23. What is your Tav’s favorite moment they’ve had with their lover?

not you sending me questions that are making me go (*/ω＼*) in real life... okay with halsin i hc back in the shadow cursed lands that he would turn into his bear form and let roz sit up cozy against him because they are always cold (they are a toothpick) and i think that was just... really nice for them. with astarion.... i think the first time they end up in roz's tent together without any blood-drinking or sex. without even the suggestion of it. that's when it first hits for roz that this might actually be about more than a transaction, so that's their favourite moment.

26. What is the most prominent color in your Tav’s color scheme?

answered here!

32. How did your Tav get their scars, if they have any?

i promised id wait for this information to be ASKED for so here we go. basically i hc that roz was from a really small creche and when they were young-ish (10-12) a training raid drew a little too much attention and the creche was attacked. and well... you know how ive said before that they arent a very good githyanki? when their creche started to burn, instead of taking up arms, they hid. everyone in that creche had either told them they should be culled or had tried to cull them, so they didn't really care if the place fell apart. however, while they were hiding, a pile of burning debris fell on them, fucking up a lot of their right side. they managed to escape the creche and do-gooder types who had no idea what was happening saw a dying kid and dragged them to the nearest temple of lathander, and the rest is history.

48.  Where does your Tav feel most at home?

not to be so so so so so sappy, but whenever they get to cuddle astarion. dont tell him this, but he's kind of. everything to them.

[anadrenalineslut]

I'm obsessed with the fact that she sampled king of my heart for maroon. First of all, let's talk about how fucking optimistic of a move that is because maroon is depressing as shit.

Like. Okay. Maroon is about Karlie Kloss, we all know that by now. Let's talk about the themes that keep showing up in Taylor's work as a result of that relationships lessons and her current one with Joe.

Like, king of my heart is about Joe alwyn. I can't see any gaylor connection to it besides reading the line "cause all the boys with their expensive cars" as a lesbian confession of comphet but that's a reach and a half. I don't think this line necessarily means anything other than all the other men I've dated were very rich and famous and that clouded their morals but you're not famous/rich and you make me feel real. Like, there is a heterosexual explanation for this line and I think the heterosexual explanation is more in line with the rest of reputation and her relationship with Joe than anything else.

Midnights is an interesting album because while I do think it's very Joe centric, it does unravel a healthy dose of gay trauma especially in the context of the Karlie relationship. For example, Labyrinth is about falling in love after losing Karlie see lines like "you know how much I hate that everybody expects me to bounce back, just like that" in context with "it hits different this time, because it's you," as well as "I'll be getting over you my whole life."

I think the choice of using maroon as the color of choice to describe their relationship, in contrast with calling the relationship with Jake a basic red is very very intriguing. First of all, I am living for the Jake slander and especially comparing him to a woman in which he has lost the competition. Like, im pretty sure Jake is a sexist pig and it makes me happy that in the taylor cinematic universe taylor gave the complex red shade and meaning to a woman over him. Because yes, the relationship with Jake was painful but that's because he was being an abusive groomer not because they were equals in love.

Karlie and Taylor, though, they were in love once upon a time. They were equals, and they were friends and their love was deeper because of it. It was a heartbreak unlike anything taylor had ever felt because she had always picked a safe male option or she was being groomed and manipulated by older men, and she was unprepared for how deeply being betrayed by a WOMAN would feel like. 💔 anyways, maroon is a devastating song but using king of my heart is such an interesting sample choice.

Like, obviously, you can take it to mean that I'm wrong about king of my heart being about Joe alwyn but I dont think that's the case here. I think the reason she sampled king of my heart is because she did move on from that hurt, she did learn to cope with the trauma of that relationship and she is so much happier than she ever was in that relationship with Karlie. Not only because of the betrayal but let's not act like Karlie doesn't also have an ED and they weren't feeding into each other's bad habits while they were dating. Taylor was her skinniest in that relationship, for a reason, and that reason being Karlie made her ED worse. For so many reasons, Taylor is reflecting back on that love she thought was going to be the one golden thing in her life as just another burnmark left by a fire red love but ultimately being okay with that, because it led her to the best relationship she's ever had and the most pure one as well.

That's why King of my heart is sampled, because she was able to move on from the devastation that permeates maroon and she WAS able to love again. She knows now, no matter what happens, she is strong enough to lose anyone and anything. She is enough. She doesn't need anyone else to make her whole anymore, Joe never saved her. He just loved her in all the bad lights and good lights of who she is, he saw her as moonstone the first time they met and he's made her feel like that every single day ever since and that's just so fucking beautiful. I'm amazed at her brilliance and her mind. I love that she's made all these different connections that just spell out life lessons for her readers.

I love maroon so much, I love midnights so much.

[hollyhomburg]

⚠️SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS ⚠️

First of all that Hobi moment in the car… “ It was always her” has me in a chokehold. Like to see the ice between the mc and Hobi melt is like the sickly sweet slow burn love that I adore!

Now on too Jimin… maybe I’m just a blind mc supporter but for jimin to question her love an motives kind of mad me sad/mad. The image of the mc in my head would never try and buy and manipulate the packs love. If anything her talk of keeping those properties even though they are soaked in trauma and pain for the pack benefit says it all. In my head she simply wants to take this blood money and bad memories and give those she truly loves all they deserve. I feel like him questioning her actions and motives is purely Jimin’s paranoia. I’m excited to see where this reveal takes mc and Jimin’s love. Because it adds this layer of dose he really love me or is he putting on this show because he doesn’t want to reveal who he really is for the mc and for Jimin its this weary distrust and caution.

Last my question is.. is this secret the reason the mc and Jimin haven’t taken their relationship to the next level? Because she been with everyone but Hobi and Jimni at this point right? Can they really love each other fully if this stands in between?

Ps. I’ve been a silent reader till now and I just want to give you the praise you deserve for this chapter and entire work of art! I mean the secret reveal build up and how you showed the subtle hints throughout was absolutely amazing. Im so deeply invested in this story and the characters you’ve created and I can’t wait to see what you do next. You should seriously be a published author!! Remember to take care of yourself, stay warm and drink lots of water ✨💛

-🍄

I KNOW the hobi mc parts are so fucking soft to me, especially the banter tooooo like- can you just imagine the pack's looks when he says "she always gets the front seat in this car" not only because she gave it to him but because it's /her/ spot to him 🥺 yoongi might get a little jelly of her cuz before it was yoongi and hobi that went on midnight drives.

i keep thinking of all his other little moments "you have to be more careful" and "don't look at the food look at me, i'll set you up" like fuckkkkkk 😩 he's so gone for her and he doesn't even know it yet <3

i agree with you in some ways, the m/c is like- genuinely a good person who has been forced into doing bad things...kinda similar to jimin in a way. if she has any negative tendencies it's only because she feels like she has too! but yeah- it is mostly jimin's paranoia, he's gotta be a little bit paranoid all the time tbh because of his job like- he's always looking over his shoulder both for the people he guards and when he's killin'

i happen to think that this means their love can be more honest. i don't think this is why jimin and the m/c haven't been intimate it's a bit more complicated though- because of the timeline of jimin and tae's relationship- jimin's never been with a girl before (besides tae technically) but you get my point. jimin is also keenly aware of the m/c's trauma and doesn't want to trigger her by making it in any way transactional....

however, jimin is a little bit desperate to at least make sure that the romance side of his and tae's relationship is still alive, and the single best person to teach jimin how to fuck a woman is another woman...and yet, jimin doesn't want to make the m/c think he only wants her for that reason. he's trying to wait until she comes to him....which she might have inadvertently been trying with the underwear scene...just a little... but it's gonna happen in a super sweet way, very slow and very loving! very much not burdened by the secret at all.

thank you for all your compliments too 🥺 i think that trying to get published is going to be the next step for me after bily, i don't know if it's going to be this story but wouldn't that be fantastic if i could manage it? i think so many people have loved the story- with a little help i could really make it into something even more enjoyable. it's my dream to become an author!

[whilomm]

you know its really annoying how the ppl in the USA who are mega yaaay capitalism!!! are always so short sighted about "socialist" stuff thats helpful even from a capitalist perspective.

like, universal healthcare, of course im for it bc of moral reasons, such as thinking people shouldnt die from preventable diseases just because some ceo wanted to charge $200 a dose on their latest drug, big fan of that, but also for very practical reasons like. "in a capitalist society, its good when workers Dont Die and arent disabled for easily preventable medical reasons".

even if you think of workers in terms of assets, its just a sound thing to make sure those assets you spent time and money training (both at individual companies at at a society level, counting "college/trade school education" as training), its a good thing when your investments in those assets isnt cut off just because. oh, they died at 30 from an undiagnosed heart issue (bc they never went to the doc for those "weird feelings" bc it was expensive) that could have been treated with a drug thats so goddamn many times less expensive than replacing them (both for corps and at a society level)

making sure the population as a whole is generally healthier is a great idea if you want them to be good little workers. its a long term systemic investment! it would be GOOD for capitalism! but no, bc it looks bad on the balance sheet to the capitalists in charge (and some of the ppl voting for them), its "too expensive" and "whos gonna pay for it??" (despite it already being. cheaper than private healthcare.) and because theyre in the pockets of these healthcare companies, they refuse to examine jack shit about how itd help the economy as a whole.

and it applies to so many things. investing in schools means better workers! making sure children are fed means they grow up healthier and are better workers! letting your employees stay home when sick means you dont risk infecting all your other workers, and maybe some customers too- losing out on profits bc theyre home sick during shopping days!. hell, theres studies about how housing homeless people is cheaper both long AND short term, and some of them would be able to return to the workforce once theyre back on their feet! (still cheaper to take care of those who WONT be able to enter the workforce again too, bc of age/disability/mental illness/whatever)

like, obvs im also for public good policies that dont directly help ✨the economy✨ too bc i like it when ppl dont fucking die and have nice lives, but christ its so fucking annoying how the capitalists dont acknowledge that this "socialist" shit is good for capitalism too. just fucking look at all the other countries with these policies and see how much better theyre doing by p much every metric

[genderqueerdykes]

Helloo, could you explain the diffrent types of testosterone like as in androgel, sustanon, all that stuff. I'm thinking of going on sustanon but I don't see quite alot of info except for cis guys using it for bulking and im afraid it's not quite a good comparison for ftms

i am not familiar with sustanon, so i will have to do some research and return to you at a later time, as well as see if any other anons or anyone in the comments can help for the time being. also i typically tend to recommend the subreddit community r/ftm, they are great for asking questions about different forms of T since so many guys use it =)

i have personal experience with androgel, and injectable testosterone cypionate. i used injectable T subcutaneous, meaning I injected into fat/skin tissue, and not intramuscular/into muscle tissue, due to my intersex condition and natural testosterone levels. I'm not sure how commonly this method is prescribed to people, but I have always been instructed to do it this way, as I've been told it will lead to less prominent up-and-down spikes and fluctuations of hormone levels. I'm not a professional though so I can't verify as to whether or not this was just that one professional's advice, or if that's 100% accurate.

again, for me as an intersex person, I don't know how applicable that is to perisex trans people, as i know most perisex transmascs inject intramuscular. that being said, testosterone cypionate is generally the go-to, it's strong, it's effective, it's kind of what everyone pictures when they think of T. the only thing to keep in mind about injectable T is pharmacies don't always give you the correct gauges of needle. generally you want 2 different gauge of needle, one larger and thicker to draw the T from the vial and a smaller thinner one for injecting, but pharmacies are really bad at giving you both, and giving you the correct gauges of both. this is easily the biggest pain with injectable T. if you have needle trauma or just don't want to have very strong spikes of testosterone and very strong drops in your hormone levels leading up to injection day, a gentler option is topical.

i've personally used androgel and i really like it, that's actually what i'm using right now, as i've been injecting for 7 years and my doctor wanted me to move away from that to avoid potential tissue damage from years and years of poking my skin. i really like androgel, although for some people it is less effective. if you have very low natural testosterone, or, your body is just poorly receptive to the hormone and doesn't take to it easy, it make struggle to benefit as much from topical testosterone, however nothing is stopping you from asking your clinician to try the topical T at a slightly higher dose to see if you just need a boost when using it transdermally. your dose isn't going to be the same on an injectable format as it is on a transdermal format

i get a generic version of androgel that comes in a bunch of pre-measured tubes so i don't have to measure anything out. i just apply 1 tube two days a week. i find that super handy as measuring my dose with injectable T was sometimes time consuming, especially if the pharmacy gave me the wrong gauge of needle, which they did often. my only complaint is that it's an alcohol based gel, so it smells very strongly when applying it. it literally just smells like rubbing alcohol, which doesn't sound bad, but it smells like about 1 gallon of it at once. that's hyperbole of course but it's just very concetrated smelling. the two areas they suggest applying it are on your abdomen (belly) and on the outside of your biceps (between shoulder and elbow). you can pick what works for you, i typically tend to do it as far away from my face as possible so i'm not dying from the smell but some of my alters put it on our arm because they're too lazy to put it under our shirt so (shrug)

always wash your hands directly after using topical T because you can in fact transfer testosterone to other people by touching them. you're not going to cause them to transition but it's just important to wash your hands to make sure you're not getting it on anyone else. it's recommended to avoid showering or getting into a pool or getting wet or anything for at least 45 minutes, i'd wait at least an hour or more if you can, just to make sure you're getting the most out of it you possibly can. it does leave a residue on your skin, but i notice it's more annoying on your hands than anywhere else. i think some people probably use a glove to apply it but i am broke as hell rn and don't

that's about all i can think of at the moment, anyone else please feel free to weigh in about any other kinds of testosterone or to throw in anything else i missed, like i said, these are the only two forms i have direct experience with. hope this helped some!

[throughalleternity]

Oh my god, its like you are reading my mind because I always wanted to read a fic where genderfluid!Lucy goes on T but was too afraid to ask nerdsbianhokie because Im not Sure if they would be comfortable with it. So what are your thoughts on Lucy on T? Would they be looking forward to it from the Start, or would they be unsure if its the right Thing at first? And I would love to read a fic where the three of them (Lucy/Leon, Maggie and Alex) are happy and full of suspense watching the first changes that Happen to Lucy on T.

Yayy I love that! I haven't explicitly written Lucy on T, but I def think some of the Lucys I write try it. I have a doc from way back in April 2021 about it and then I just didn't know what I wanted from it or if other people would want it, so it never went anywhere.

I'm going to dump some thoughts below, and I have another ask about Lucy on T that I'm mulling over. As for a fic—I would like to write something, and I might post a mini fic here rather than something longer on AO3 (unless someone says that AO3 is just easier to read on?)

(Also, NerdsbianHokie said that there are very few things they will be uncomfortable with, in terms of prompts/asks, and they'll just say if it's not something they can write. So, just as a general thing, I wouldn't get super worried about making them uncomfortable with asks.)

Leon is confident but a little nervous about T, in the sense that it’s something new and slightly unpredictable, and he’s thinking about Alex and Maggie’s reactions too. He brings it up like “Hey… so I’ve started thinking about trying T”. And they’re super supportive! Which isn’t a total surprise—they had briefly brought up medical transition after Lucy came out, but she hadn’t been sure at the time, so they were like, okay we’ll go with the flow and see. (That convo and processing took longer than that, and they were unsure of how their relationships would look, but now they’ve gotten much more comfortable.)

They all do some research on their own and then talk about it so they can feel pretty prepared going in, know what’s more permanent and what’s more reversible, etc. And since Lucy came out, they’ve gotten better at being more open about their feelings/worries, so their communication is a lot better for this. 

Lucy worries about Maggie and Alex not being attracted to her after changes on T, but Maggie’s like “Have you seen my exes? I’ve been attracted to so many different types of people—aliens included. That’s never been something I’ve been limited by.” Alex is like “You know, it made me think about how people change as they age. Or things that can happen with our bodies just randomly, or because of our jobs. And I can’t imagine any of that changing how I feel about you. I know that’s not exactly the same thing, but… it’s you I love, not your body. …Wait, I mean, fuck, that’s not—I also love your body, just—” And before Alex can dig herself deeper, Lucy laughs and says she knows what she means and that she feels better about it.

Changes start slow since he’s on a low dose, which is good because he wants to feel things out and let Alex and Maggie adjust too, but he’s also a little impatient for some changes.

I usually think of him as stopping T after some time because he’s happy with how he feels and how he can be read as more ambiguous now. There are things he misses about being on T, like being more vascular and building muscle easier. But where he’s at, it’s easier to lean masc or fem in terms of presentation, and Lucy doesn’t really want more changes. 

Voice changes are what he was mostly looking forward to. It drops gradually (his voice hardly cracks, thankfully) so it’s hard to notice, but a few months in Lois and Clark come by and they’re like, are you sick? Which was really euphoric to hear. And with some voice training to push it up or down, he’s a lot happier with how he sounds. Alex and Maggie are excited for him, since they know his voice was a big source of dysphoria, and well, after they adjust, they find it pretty hot.

[dutchwinter]

favourite circa survive songs? trying listen to them more :)

sorry this got long i love to talk about music even though i literally know nothing about it. thanks for the ask !!!! aagh

OOO yes i recommend getting into song by song bc thats how i got into them i felt it was very easy so i will suggest songs like u asked yeah lol. but if youre an albums guy you HAVE to go album by album. just btw. ill always have to rec my first two circa songs the difference between medicine and poison is in the dose and stop the fuckin car. bewitching ass music. i have an intro to circa playlist but im just gonna go based off that and also my favorite songs. im going to go album by album okay like 2-3 [or 4 as it ended up being mostly lol] for each i think..

the great golden baby, in fear and faith, we're all thieves, act appalled. JUTURNNAAA the magic that is juturna... i love her so much

on letting go, living together, all your friends are gone. i have nothing to say on letting go is just. a really special album and those songs are THOSE SONGGGSS THEY ARE FUCKING MUSIC!!!

glass arrows, get out, i felt free, frozen creek. okay that was 4 and i almost did a 5th but no i will restrain myself. this album is soooo fucking good you just have to listen to it every song is just.

bird sounds, the lottery, suitcase, AND JUST THIS ENTIRE ALBUM. it is such a journey to go listen through that album if youre not gonna go in order with albums listen to this one okay listen to it. but again i rec going through album by album.

nesting dolls and descensus are my current favorites from that album rn and they have these long sections where not much is going on and i dont mean that in a bad way at all its so necessary to those songs but just putting that out there. i mean descensus is like 9 minutes long. but its so good. also phantom i think. go to phantom world. its necessary.

now sadly im no expert with the amulet. so id have to recommend lustration and the title track. the rest of that album is really good ive only listened to it all twice though so i dont really remember it? so sad :^[ i remember it being sooo fucking good though. but yeah. the amulet [song]. go to the amulet [song] world.

imposter syndrome, our last shot, curitiba, sleep well. this is my favorite circa album and my favorite song not on here is electric moose so ill throw her out there too act. this album is kind of different to the previous albums but it is so circa and it makes so much sense for them. it is a beautiful album they are . really good at making music this is crazy ??!??

battle my love, and all of the appendage ep [especially every way] you have to go here you have to. you must

those are really my favorites yeah. um circa world. forever and ever. i like 2 talk