#I accidentally wrote you one after this woops

[tricktack]

A list of (almost) everything MatPat got wrong about GenLoss:

"Generation Loss is an ARG." Generation Loss is actually quite transparent about not being an ARG. It has elements similar to an ARG, such as audience interaction, but there is a clear barrier between the story/characters and real life. One of the defining features of an ARG is the lack of this barrier.

"Ranboo is the Founder and orchestrated the entire show from start to finish."

"The teasers ask the audience to kill the Founder, and the finale ends with the audience voting to kill Ranboo, implying they are the same person." It was heavily foreshadowed that there are many generations to come, and also confirmed by cc!Ranboo several times. Killing the Founder in Generation 1 wouldn't make sense. That, and just because Ranboo died doesn't automatically prove that he's the Founder.

"Ranboo always makes choices that keep the performance on track." He is being controlled to do so. One of the very first details you can possibly notice in the series is that when the mask comes on, Ranboo is not in control of his actions.

"Ranboo doesn't participate in searching [in ep 2]." The Showfall announcement on twitter says that interactive elements are limited on episode 2, giving Ranboo no commands or agency of his own to actually help other than the limited audience polls. also the mask was reset in episode 2, placing him under even stricter control.

"Ranboo knows what is happening and will do anything to keep the show going." Since the very beginning teasers, Ranboo has been labeled The Hero. This name alone makes it obvious that Showfall has intended for Ranboo to be the protagonist, and thus the one that makes it to the end. Again, he's under control- even if he knows what's going to happen, none of his reactions or choices were truly his.

"Ranboo locked Sneeg in the basement, that's how he knows Sneeg was there for 6 months." There's no evidence that Sneeg actually was there for 6 months, given that the cabin is canonically just a set that they use. All we have to go on for this is a throwaway line (which GenLoss is full of throwaway lines). And Ranboo somehow "knowing" how long Sneeg was there isn't a direct implication of guilt, again considering that it's the set of a show.

"The Puzzler is scared of Ranboo." The Puzzler is the Bad-At-Being-A-Villain archetype. Him going "woops sorry" when he almost accidentally kills Ranboo is not him being "scared" of Ranboo. It's him being the goofy villain that Showfall wrote him to be. (Sidenote: Interesting that Matpat was implying that Jerma may have flubbed some lines, when the entire point of his character was to be as incompetent as possible. Saying the wrong thing was kind of... the point of the character.)

"Ranboo believes he is doing everything to help humanity." Yeah he lost me there. I don't even know what that's supposed to mean.

"Ranboo's death was staged" I'll give this one the benefit of the doubt. He may not have actually died, or he may have been brought back, but it's not because he was actually the one behind it all.

"The cooking show cutaways prove that Ranboo is still alive." The cooking show cutaways are obviously prerecorded, even in-universe. You have to consider that even in-universe this is still a live show. They would've had to have been prerecorded anyway. Even if these cutaways had been filmed after the fact for a prerecorded show, the cutaways still could've been recorded between episodes, as canonically there was a day in between each episode (where it's implied that characters go into an idle state).

Using cc!Ranboo's explaination about the rerecorded/remastered aspects of the Founder's Cut as evidence that gl!Ranboo is manipulating the footage. This would be a very interesting take on the idea and definition of Generation Loss as a concept, however cc!Ranboo has stated many times before that the Founder's Cut is solely to get past the limitations of the live setting. It also would not make sense that gl!Ranboo would be the one manipulating the footage, but we're too deep down the "Ranboo Is The Founder" rabbit hole to talk about that.

"The Founder's Cut will replace the original VODs, slowly changing the details until a distorted copy is left." Again, cool concept. But Ranboo has already confirmed that this is not the direction that the series is going. The VODs will still be up and the Founder's Cut is not meant to replace them, just make them easier to watch.

Conclusion: MatPat focuses too much on throwaway lines, in-universe jokes, and whiteboards, and ignores blatant visual clues such as the mask, morse code, and... just about everything really... for 16 minutes.

[dapper-zappa]

Spider Outta The Bag | Miguel O'Hara

Pairing: Miguel O'Hara x Spider-Woman!Reader

Summary: Miguel is fed up with LYLA pestering him about his crush on you… only for him to accidentally confess the feelings in front of you.

Word count: ~1,3K

Warnings: Fluff, banter, possibly OOC Miguel?, TSSM series ending spoilers, LYLA being a sassy ahh mf, accidental confession, oblivious Y/N,

A/N: First Miguel fic woop woop, and if there's any inaccurate Spanish, please tell me! Also, I think it'd be nice to use the Peter from The Spectacular Spider-Man, who appeared on ATSV briefly as Y/N's mission partner in this fic instead of someone like Miles, Hobie, Jess Drew, or Ben. TSSM!Peter's world is canonically Earth-26496 in the Marvel wiki so that's why I wrote it that way.

Also, based after this prompt !

For the upteenth time, LYLA sighed at Miguel, who only did nothing but sit down and think. “Wow, Miguel, I swear you’re way more shy than a high schooler crushing on someone.” the AI groaned, shifting her form so she’s now sitting on top of her boss’s shoulder as she filed her nails. “Since she’s gonna go for a mission later thanks to an anomaly in Earth-26496 with the Peter from that world, why can’t you just tell her when you call her here for the mission briefing? That’ll save you way more time instead of wasting your time waiting for her to confess instead!”

His growing feelings towards you (and how he constantly tried to deny it) were often challenged if someone else teased him about it. While it’s usually 

his AI assistant that pestered him about his silly schoolboy crush, Dr. O’Hara also had got a fair amount of spider people who teased him to try to make him ask you out. From Jess, the Peter with a 5 o'clock shadow who almost always had baby Mayday on his side, Hobie, while not close with him, tends to make little jabs on how Miguel “was always buzzin’ to see Y/N”, even the melodramatic hunk Ben Reilly joined in at times. 

Yet at the same time, deep down he always yearned for you to return his feelings. 

“For the last time, LYLA. I’m not in love with Y/N L/N.” Miguel grumbled, pinching the bridge of his nose. 

LYLA’s projection shifted again so she’s now in front of his face, arms crossed as she popped a bubble of bubblegum as pink as her heart shaped shades.

“My goodness, you’re doing it again.” 

“What thing? I didn’t say anything bad before.” Miguel gestured with his hands to try to prove LYLA’s only joking or making some sort of false accusations to toy with him. 

“That thing! Where you’re so in love with someone yet pretend you’re not in love with them!” The AI bursted into laughter at how bad he is at pretending he’s not being lovestruck. “Every day you whine about how you don’t love Y/N yet whenever someone says it in front of your handsome face, you often look at her like a lost puppy whenever she’s in the room or whenever you two go on missions together. I’d say you’re one of the funniest in terms of the spider people being in love.” she chortled. 

Miguel shot LYLA a glare, shutting her mouth up once she was faced with a pair of angry scarlet orbs. The AI tried to open her mouth again but she was cut off by him.

“Then what am I supposed to say? Hey Y/N, I’m so deeply in love with you that you’re all I think about all the time-”

“-what?”

Before he knew it, he was interrupted by two familiar voices exclaiming at the same time. His jaw dropped agape, the scarlet hues in his now widened eyes dimmed down at the sheer shock that crept through him when one of the people who just walked into his office was Y/N L/N out of everyone else. 

“…LYLA?” 

“Yes?” 

“Why didn’t you tell me Y/N is coming?” he scolded, trying to hide the nervousness in his voice.

“I was trying to tell you that but you cut me off.”

On the other hand, the embarrassment also hit you, especially because you still couldn’t believe what you and the Peter from Earth-26496 - or as you’d nickname him, Spectacular Peter had just witnessed. Peter and you settled on the nickname when you praised his performance, calling him “spectacular” in a mission and you used that nickname to distinguish him from the many other Peters in the Spider Society. 

Miguel O’Hara just accidentally confessed he’s in love with you.

“Estupendo.” With his back now facing you and Peter, Miguel huffed in frustration and embarrassment. “Just make sure to tell no one about this.” 

(Great.)

“Miguel, I know I’m supposed to get the details about the mission in Earth-26496 but why didn’t you tell me from the start?” you questioned. “That way at least you wouldn’t have to hide your feelings around me, even if I ashamedly didn’t know about your little crush on me before I heard you saying it in front of me and Peter.” 

Peter, who noticeably appeared more cartoonish than most of his variants who were part of the Spider Society, could only give your shoulder a few comforting pats to attempt to relieve you from the amount of embarrassment by your own boss yet at the same time not cause any more trouble.

“At least it’s not the time when Gwen and I broke up with our partners Harry and Liz just so we can get together with each other… only for me to find out that my best friend’s dad is the Green Goblin soon after.” Peter lamented in remembrance of that very awkward moment in his love life.

Conflict grew even more - perhaps way more than it was within Miguel’s heart before he accidentally revealed his crush in front of you, someone who had no clue he liked you. His heart pounded under his ribs, waiting so hard for it to burst from how uneasy this moment was making him. His combed hair became messier the more he ran his fingers through his hair, as he tends to do it whenever he’s feeling stressed or anxious. 

This had gotta be the time where he should be all serious and make sure you and Peter got the needed information… right? After he calmed down, Miguel instead turned around to face you and your partner for today’s mission, approached you, and gently placed his large hand on your shoulder.

He briefly glanced at Peter (who’s getting really awkward from finding out his boss has a crush on his partner for today’s mission) before fixating his chestnut brown eyes on you. 

“I’m sorry for embarrassing you. I wasn't careful about my words before and I won’t do it again in front of you.” he suddenly retracted his hand after remembering that he’s supposed to give you the details of the anomaly in Earth-26496. 

LYLA projected 2 screens in front of you and Peter as Miguel began his briefing. The first screen displayed the details and a virtual model of a variant of the infamous Scorpion, but this particular version appeared to be a tall and muscular woman donning the Scorpion armor, complete to the venom infused in her tail’s stinger. On the other hand, the second screen displayed the Scorpion variant rampaging in that world’s city center. Police cars surrounded all over her, but to no avail as she started attacking the police officers and citizens began scurrying away from the now dangerous area. 

“Oh, I forgot. A Scorpion variant is rampaging in Earth-26496 and all you two have to do is to take down this anomaly, capture her, then bring her to the HQ so that the Go-Home Machine can send her back to her native dimension.”

“By the way, she looks to be quite tough because she’s armed with a venom stinger in her tail, so you both have to be careful or else you’ll suffer from hallucinations and fatigue induced by her venom.” LYLA added.

“I wish you two luck with today’s mission.” Miguel said firmly, ending the briefing for today’s mission. 

“We will, Miguel.” Peter replied. 

He immediately opened a portal to his native world for you two to go in and immediately stepped inside, but right when you were about to step inside the portal, Miguel stopped you.

“So… would you like to go to dinner tonight with me? Maybe I can take you to my favorite place in Nueva York once you and Peter are done handling the anomaly. For our first date.” you turned around at his offer. 

“I’d love to, but I have to go now. I’ll see you again!” 

“You too.” he smiled. 

With a last wave towards him, you went in the portal and it closed itself right after. Now what’s left to do is for you to help Peter capture the Scorpion variant anomaly and bring her back to the HQ, just as you were told.

[early20sfailingplenty]

How would the Sinclair boys make you forget a shitty ex who still seems to invade your brain even though you’re the one who ultimately made the choice to leave? (No choice really, it was that or live in the cheating SOB’s basement while they screwed their boss upstairs while looking after the bosses kids)

Offers of murder/dismemberment encouraged

👉👈

I wrote something like this already, if you wanted to read it HERE.

TW; reader verbally advocates for someone's murder, violence, graphic descriptions of dismemberment and murder, past cheating (unnamed no face hypothetical person).

The brothers would take it in their stride to remind you, however often you needed to hear it, that YOU stepped up to the plate. You were cheated on, something unforgiveable to the three of them (they can't imagine having you, let alone having you and then going to find someone else? It doesn't even clock in their minds), YOU decided it wasn't okay, YOU decided you deserved better, you stepped away, you chose to leave. Whether your hand was forced or not, YOU made all those decisions and then followed through on it, which was so brave and heart-breaking and they would remind you of that every time you brought up your ex to them.

And if your ex ever rolled into Ambrose and you asked the brothers to dismember or murder the cheating SOB? Well, darlin', don't'cha worry.

Lester will make the ride up to Ambrose as uncomfortable as possible. Extra stinky roadkill, no windows rolled down, woops sorry this road is super bumpy (it's actually easy to avoid all the pot holes but oh no!! Lester can't see them!!! Weird!!!)

Vincent will 'accidentally' forget to mix a part of his paralytic agent in so that the ex feels EVERYTHING. And I mean EVERYTHING. Vincent would be harsher, more brutal, when he's taking down the ex. No chance for mercy - that's disrespect to you, in Vincent's eye. It's brutal, harsh, every depraved thought involving bodily murder coming to the forefront. No chance to be immortalised. They will be eviscerated, torn apart, disappear without a trace. Vincent swears it to you with every flash of the blade, every pop of cartilage.

Bo, too, would be there, and they'd not only rip them limb from limb, separating muscles from tendons, tendons from ligaments, ligaments from skin and sinew from bone, they would make it LAST. The more you were hurt by your ex, the harsher and more brutal the death.

In the end, Lester literally chucks pieces of them into the gore pit, unrecognisable as animal OR human. That's all that's left.

None of them feel badly about it, and neither do you.

[djhedy]

what is canon and should we respect it (a not-essay on aftg fandom)

i want to write an *entire* essay on this but i am between meds right now so exhausted and suffering a HEAT WAVE (uk?? why! we are normally so temperate) and also there's always a risk of sounding patronising when trying to put your opinions/experience across, so i'll try to write briefly and wotnot

what is canon:

"the material accepted as officially part of the story in an individual universe of that story" or, as we'd probably all put it "wot the author wrote"

why this matters, and why the author matters - our characters wouldn't exist without them

beyond a basic respect for the author, which i would define as like not being a bitch to them (because every human being has feelings, and this is something easily forgotten on the internet), we land on the question "should we respect canon"

well... maybe?

it sort of depends why you're here. the experience of literature/art can be defined a few ways: what the author intended, what the reader experiences, the impact on society.

what nora intended: if you care, she's written a lot of extra content on tumblr. but given that the majority of people who read the books probably won't care enough to find the extra content, this isn't canon. it isn't canon because it isn't in the books of the story. calling it canon is gatekeeping. but it's SUPER FUN and i enjoy seeing what nora's interpretation of her own characters are. thanks nora we luv u.

the impact on society: people get SO UPSET about this question. and it's a reasonable question for sure. art does impact society and vice versa. i just kind of don't think this is the big deal you think it is. people are always hunting for signs of homophobia, sexism, transphobia etc in fandom works. and like... sure, you can do that if you'll enjoy it. this essay isn't really about this, and i don't want to ramble. but aftg is an indie publication. its impact is so insubstantial. maybe chill out. the people who are like AARON IS HOMOPHOBIC BUT ANDREW THE MURDERER IS UWU or, opposite, SETH DESERVED REDEMPTION AND MATT IS ABLEIST - my guys it's a book. these characters are flawed. literature isn't meant to be a pinnacle of morals (unless... it is) and we're supposed to love these characters because they work through their flaws and settle into who they are. are they still dicks at the end? sure! it's fun. not everything has to be light and perfect. and you'll have more fun with art if you stop hunting for homophobes in the fandom of an independent publication with a few thousand readers. that's not how to succeed at the gay agenda. we're on it, i promise.

WHAT THE READER EXPERIENCES: this is the big one! you know when you read a book or watch a film and say "oh wow so it was about THIS, THIS was the important bit!" and someone disagrees? well, they're not wrong and you're not wrong. experience is a whole thing. what someone has experienced in life before they come to the art, what they experience during the art itself. art is a communication from the creator to the audience and that communication is subtle and will be different for *every* single person.

this will upset a lot of people, but it isn't canon that neil is demisexual. the label isn't mentioned once in the books. can it be inferred? ABSOLUTELY. he's demi in all of my fanfics because i personally love it. but nora mentioning it in extra content does not make it canon, in the same way that jkr telling everyone she saw dumbledore as gay after the books, does not make it canon. #theauthorisdead (but let's still be nice to them. ...unless you're jkr. fuck jkr.)

my point is just that canon doesn’t always matter. collectively most of us have decided neil is demi, which is important rep to a lot of people without rep. how sexy of us.

and experience matters. there will be people to whom it's important to write neil as not-very-demi. there will be people to whom it's important to write neil as super ace. be kind to each other.

i've decided i need to add another heading.

WHAT'S THE POINT OF FANFICTION?

to preserve canon? no, because... nora already did that. there's a huge amount of fun to be had trying to write neil and andrew as *accurately* as possible - but this *accuracy* will be different from person to person. because a work of literature is complicated and writing is hard and - individual experience. we've already gone through that. but like, have you ever tried to write andrew's dialogue accurately, the way he speaks like he's half-high half-shakespearean?? it's DIFFICULT. i have tried.

you know what's also fun? experimenting. what would their relationship be like if neil was an alcoholic. what if andrew liked wearing dresses. what if one of them cheated. what if matt died of a drug overdose.

in my head the point of fanfiction is EXPLORATION.

sometimes you're exploring the characters as accurately to your experience of them as possible, sometimes you're adding a new element in to see how they would react. let's be honest, that new element is usually something you're obsessed with in your own life. gender presentation? why people cheat? why people relapse? why relationships break down?

anyway, back to the list.

WHAT'S THE POINT OF FANFICTION?

to dick around and have a nice time? yes.

to work through your own identities/traumas/what have you? probably if you're anything like me and basically everyone i know in the fandom lol.

i think this is everything i want to say.

no wait i lied! final point.

if you've ever studied literature or philosophy the first things they teach you is to question *everything*. for example: what is fanfiction, what is canon, "we have to respect canon" do we??

if you've heard someone using the word "feminisation" to mean "make neil soft uwu", rather than repeating the word, question why it's being used here. what does feminise mean, what does soft mean. maybe you love the dark side to neil, maybe other people like the side of him that can heal.

there's nothing wrong with playing with sexual dynamics and relationship dynamics. sometimes you might be writing something cliched, homophobic, sexist - if you work out you are doing that, maybe stop it. on the other hand lots of couples *do* play out the dynamics of - trousers on in the bedroom, trousers on in the relationship. it's not homophobic to depict a homosexual relationship where one is subby and one is dommy. it exists. so like, chill a little.

and remember you are not always right and everyone is different?

man did i accidentally make this patronising?

woops.

lots of love hedy x

[sometipsygnostalgic]

Lady & Peebles and You Made Me airing back to back (at least on streaming services) is such an interesting pair because they’re both PB-centric episodes that have...opposing viewpoints of her scientific mind, almost. Lady & Peebles shows her reliance on gadgets and ends with her besting someone in hand to hand combat BECAUSE her scientific mind gives her the upper hand, and then You Made Me turns around and goes “your science made this problem, figure it out”. She does, in the end, give Lemongrab a friend, realizing the bitter qualities she instilled in him (as you’ve discussed before with her creating him being an accidental mirror of her own bad traits), which is an emotional answer...but it’s still helped along by science allowing her to create life. And then there’s her outfits for them, which creates a huge visual disparity between the two episodes! A cute pink parka and science long johns for L&P, and then what I can only describe as a 1950s mom look for YMM. There’s a lot happening in both of these episodes for her and I think s4 was when all of these ideas were coalescing into a more concrete, multifaceted character, which is neat to see happen (again. Lol I’ve watched this season too much) Thoughts, O Adventure Time expert and fellow PB Appreciator?

Woop! This is a fun analysis to wake up to! 

You’re right, season 4 is when they really took a step up with Peebles. 

Adam Muto said that the crew were afraid they were writing the same stories with Finn and Jake all the time. So they changed the status quo up by having Finn find a new love interest, and started working on other characters, even having eps that don’t even feature Finn and Jake at all. 

Princess Bubblegum was one of the many beneficiates of this change in focus, and the most immediate. There are a large number of season 4 eps designed to build her character up from Finn’s unrequited love interest into the mad scientist dictator she was always meant to be - “Goliad”, “Princess Cookie”, “Burning Low”, “Lady & Peebles”, “You Made Me”, “Reign of Gunthers”, and finally “The Lich”. And what’s incredible is every single one of these episodes shows a completely different side to her, as visually demonstrated by how she wears different costumes - different “masks” - in each of them. The use of outfits as “masks” would persist with Bubblegum’s character for the rest of the show,  including some heavy symbolism in the finale itself and Obsidian. 

For example, PB dressed like a mother in You Made Me, and she dressed like a goofy teen in Sky Witch, but in neither episode did she choose those outfits because that was what she knew she was doing. It was all coincidental, in-universe.

...

Through costume design the writers explore different aspects of their characters, and can make them feel like completely different people on an episode-by-episode basis. This really helped the characters translate to the audience.

So you’re right. This is when things started coalescing together. The crew had a fun character to work with who they had neglected for the previous 2 seasons, and damn, they took that bull by the horns straight away. They were also able to write a lot more stories than before, so this was a good time for her.    

This would continue in season 5.... but not under Pen Ward - Pen left the show, but he was still working on the videogame about PB’s origin. When Adam Muto took over, he greenlit 3 episode concepts by Jesse Moynihan that were written about Princess Bubblegum - “The Suitor”, “Wizards Only, Fools”, and “The Vault”. He and the writing team also put together “Sky Witch” and gave that to Jmoyns/Acasta too because why not, they were doing a great job. 

Anyway it’s at this point you begin to see the writers taking different approaches. Jesse (and Ako) liked to focus on Peebles as an individual.  But Tom Herpich wrote episodes that focused on her relationship to others, like her citizens and Lemongrab - this is where Peebles as a “god figure” was mostly written in, especially since Tom wrote “Goliad” way back in season 4 as his first ever story concept that got approved, and he also worked on “You Made Me”.  And finally, Cole Sanchez and Andy Ristaino usually worked on the eps that focused more on her darkest decisions as leader - “Rattleballs”, “James”, “The Cooler”, ”Hoots”. (They didn’t conceptualize those eps, they just happened to board them.) 

In season 7 everything kind of settled down and rather than having entirely different sides of her personality about in each ep, she was written as a bit more consistent from then on. I mean, Peebles in Bonnie and Neddy>Varmints>Stakes>Broke his Crown>The Thin Yellow Line all still feel like very different sides to her character, but there are consistent elements across all those eps. Those elements relate back to the events of The Cooler and the season 6 finale - being more careful and considerate of others after scaring away her citizens and friends.  

But then in season 10 you got some of that wackiness back. Like in “Blenanas”, which could not feel any more different from “Gumbaldia”, despite both eps dealing with the same subject matter of preparing for the war. Then in “come along with me” and “Obsidian” she is literally written by 4 different board teams in each, so all the characters get a shift in how they’re presented in each eighth of the episodes!

[ajokeformur-ray]

Introducing - Dr. Hannibal and Mrs. Erika Lecter.

Self - shipping game (started by @jokersspookyhyena​; thank you for the tag, darling!💗)

I’m really nervous about posting this because Hannibal is...  very special to me. The bond we share is on a similar level to the one I have with Joker. The only real difference is the length of time; Hannibal has been with me for far longer. I love him so much that it hurts and I wouldn’t be who I am or where I am without him.

PLEASE NOTE - 

Mentions of abuse, dissociation and passive suicidal tendencies - unspecified, just named as listed. It’s relevant and almost central to our relationship. If you want to skip this bit, it’s the question asking his favourite things about me, specifically. Every other question is safe, loves! My connection to him is raw, and so are my answers.

Word count: 2, 450 (uhhh... woops??)

When did you get together/how long have you known them?

Hannibal and I go way back. I have known Hannibal Lecter, as a character across all forms of media, since I was thirteen, but NBC’s Hannibal I met when I was shy of eighteen. I adore all portrayals of Hannibal Lecter, but this Hannibal is my most favourite one. Not because Mads Mikkelsen is outrageously attractive, although that’s also true, but because in him I found solace, peace, acceptance, understanding... and safety, in more ways than one. Over the course of the time we’ve known each other, our dynamic has always changed and it’s grown with me. As I’ve gotten older, the dynamic has become increasingly romantic. When I look back on my life, Hannibal’s always been with me, and thank goodness because I wouldn’t be who I am today without him. I am so grateful to and for him for so many reasons it’d be impossible to list them all.

Nicknames, both yours for them and theirs for you!

Sksksksksk I annoy Hannibal with all my nicknames for him: Hanni is the one I use for everything, more than his own name, pretty Hanni when I want cuddles but I’m too shy to actually say, my love when I’m feeling tender for him (all the time) sometimes I’ll combine nicknames and say; Hanni, my love. Sometimes I call him my precious cannibal... that’s for our most romantic moments, though. When I’m talking to others about him, I usually attach “my” to the front of his name. He’s not mine, of course, and I don’t own him and he doesn’t belong to me, but the bond which we have is mine, and this is an important distinction.

Hannibal doesn’t have many nicknames for me. He most often calls me by my name, little fawn/doe when I’m especially skittish or he makes me accidentally jump (it’s not hard to do, though it’s not fun for him because it takes ages for me to calm down), dearest, my love, and the most recent addition is, phoenix or my phoenix... I wrote about that here if you want to read about why he calls me that!

Who’s on top?

Hannibal, most often. He likes to push, destroy and reset boundaries in his own image, though, so sometimes he’ll make me go on top just to see what I do. Spoilers: I always nuzzle my face into the warm crook of his neck, lock my arms and legs around him, and close my eyes. If Hannibal desires for anything sexual, then he has to roll me to be underneath him because once I’m on him, all I want is the safe cage of his embrace (though, on the rare occasions I get... amorous, I just aim my hips downwards every time I shift to get comfortable. It’s subtle enough to be missed, but Hannibal knows me and his chuckle rumbles through his chest and it always makes me smile).

Who is more protective?

Mmm... Hannibal, I would say. I don’t take the best care of myself and Hannibal often has to help me. Erika, don’t you think you should eat something? It has been several hours and you don’t want to get a stomach ache from not eating for so long, do you? and other such less than subtle reminders. 

However, I’m not totally helpless and if anyone hurts my Hanni, then oooooooh, this fawn bares her teeth. You do not touch my Hanni. I may be afraid of confrontation and of raised voices, but if I catch wind of anyone targeting Hannibal, then none of that matters. Good luck taking Hannibal to prison, Jack, I’mma square up and you better be ready to catch these hands. 

Who said ‘I love you’ first?

Meeeee ~ , I did!!!!! Because I knew him so young, for about six years of our friendship, I used to just say “I love you” and Hannibal would smile patiently but otherwise not encourage anything, for obvious reasons. But one day, I said I loved him and Hannibal gave me the time old reaction. “No, Hanni, listen. I love you.” He blinked once, twice, smiled... and still didn’t say it back. But that’s okay - I like to think that he loves me too. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn’t. He’s Hannibal Lecter, who knows? If it’s a moment which needs for him to say it back, he’ll most often say, “and I, you.” It’s close enough.

Who does the household chores? Including cleaning, cooking, anything around the house.

Hanni and I split everything. I live with him and he refuses to let me pay rent or for food and the like (I have something of a guilt complex so I always feel bad for 'taking’ anything without giving something back, which is usually more than what I was initially given), so instead if something needs doing, I’ll do it without saying anything. Hannibal is incredibly self-sufficient and I stay out of his kitchen (I can cook well enough but Hannibal’s Japanese knives scare me so I stay out of the way and he’s very particular about the order of things in his kitchen), and I don’t go in his office either, but the rest of our home is mine to do whatever I want with. Sometimes I’ll deliberately stay out of his way and when he comes a-running (but not to help), he finds I’ve done odd jobs here and there around the home. He doesn’t thank me for it, he knows I don’t want that, so he dips his chin and eyes me with those gorgeous chocolate eyes, and I know I’ve earned myself a cuddle session later. Both of us know that that’s what I was after the entire time, though neither of us addresses it. He’s taught me well. A bit too well, he sometimes thinks.

Who gets hurt more often?

Me 😂 I have been known to trip over my own foot standing still and it’s not unusual for me to stand up and to sway as I try to find my balance and for Hanni to reach up to grasp my wrist until I’ve settled. It’s embarrassing and my cheeks always go bright red from blushing, but the heat of his hand seeps into my skin and I can’t tell which of the two body parts burns more. Sometimes his touch lingers on my skin and I end up sitting back down, not wanting to leave my precious cannibal. This was what Hannibal wanted the entire time and we both know it but we don’t address it, and I realise that either I’m becoming more like him, or he’s starting to adopt some of my own mannerisms. You and I have begun to blur is something Will once said to Hannibal, but it’s not a wholly exclusive sentiment. There are aspects of me which are because of Hannibal and we both know it.

How do you sleep?

I don’t, not without my Hanni. He most often lays on his back and lets me settle myself half on his body and half off. One of my legs stretches across his body so that my inner knee is pressed to his outer hip and I wrap my arms around his shoulders. My face finds its way either into his chest so I can hear his heartbeat and feel the rumble of his voice in my ear, or pressed into the warm crook of his neck so I can feel his pulse against my skin and know that he is alive and safe. When at last do I fall asleep, for it takes me a long time to settle and to get comfortable (seven hundred position changes and a sacrifice to Satan), Hannibal turns off the light he allows me while I fall asleep (if I wake up in the dark, I’ll be scared to the point of a panic attack and then he will wake and comfort me. This increases my trust in him and further ensures that I won’t leave him. We both know he does this but again, it’s not addressed. I trust him implicitly, which again... is all a part of his plan.) and then he turns onto his side with me pressed tightly to his chest.

Sometimes, on very rare occasions, when Hannibal has been hurt or if he’s sick, he likes to lay atop me and our positions are the same as above, but reversed. So he’s the one clinging onto me and I am the one on my back, protecting my pretty Hanni from all who seek to do him harm or to take his freedom away from him... that’s something I’d never condemn him to. I love him far too much to ever put him through that. Beasts belong out in the wild, do they not?

Fears?

Hannibal fears having his freedom taken away from him, he fears being completely vulnerable, he fears never being understood... his fears are bigger than me, so I can only love him as hard as I can every single day, without hesitation, thought or fault.

And, well... I have lots of fears. My biggest fears are the dark and... certain physical illnesses and Hannibal has offered multiple times to get me a suitable therapist, but I refuse every time. I have my Hanni, so I have everything.💖 He knows me and he knows that if he just stays, I’ll even lay in the pitch darkness for him... if he just stays. So he stays and, oh, my fear smells delicious and he craves more... so I crave his closeness and on it goes. We kind of... led each other into this relationship but looking back, I definitely don’t want it any other way. I’m not sure about Hannibal. 

Favorite physical and personal feature about them?

I love all of Hannibal, but his eyes are the warmest pools of chocolate I’ve  ever seen. I like to cup his face in my hands, especially when we’re sat in his study by the fire, and I like to get very close to him so that my nose is touching his and I just look into his eyes, the soft orange glow of the fire giving his dark irises a red tint... he has the eyes of a shark. 

And that voice... asdfghjk 🥵🥵🥵 many a panic attack has been stopped before it’s started, many a nightmare soothed, by even one word. Hanni has to be careful what he asks of me because he knows that I won’t ever say no to him, but that was all a part of his plan... so long as I love him, I am useful to him. I lost all of myself once and Hanni helped me to find her. His voice led the way, it called out to the darkness in me, and I could only answer his call. He saved me.

And I love his hair... especially in the mornings when it brushes against his eye lashes, I... I just love him.🥺🥺🥺

My favourite personal feature of Hannibal’s is his mind. His psyche is an ocean with murky, never before charted depths, and I long to dive in at the deepest part and to never resurface. I long for his tongue to cut into me, for his words to slice me apart, and then for him to submerge me in the depths of his mind, in the depths of the love he may have for me, and to soothe away the metaphorical wounds I inflict upon myself daily (my inner voice most often sounds like my abusers, try as I might). I long to become one with my cannibal so that never are we torn asunder.

Their favorite physical and personal feature about you?

Mmm... this one is really hard to answer because I am not, ah... favourable of myself in any way. My dress just rode up to my thigh, though, and I can literally see the answer: my tattoo. A few years ago, something terrible happened and as a result, I dissociated to the point of barely functioning and I experienced passive suicidal ideation for a long time even after I escaped that situation (Hanni is the reason I left that, too). Instead of giving into that, though, I designed and then got a tattoo and though I wanted to die, Hannibal made me feel alive that day. Though I know that Hannibal doesn’t like his meat branded (😂), I also know that he loves my tattoo. It’s a physical mark of my love and my devotion to him, and of course it strokes his ego. He quite literally saved my life and I wanted to immortalise that instead of destroying myself further.

Even if I do say so myself, she’s gorgeous:

His favourite personal feature about me is the fact that I see him. I know exactly who Hanni is. I know what he’s done. I know what he’s capable of. I know his past, his present, and I see who he is. I can look at him and guess within an accurate measure as to his thoughts and feelings. I see him and I know him and I love him genuinely, with everything that I am. There have been multiple points in my life where I’ve lived for him in a very raw and real way, and he knows that. Hanni is a rare gift and by some stroke of luck, I was given him. I’ll never be able to repay him for his kindness.

Something intimate you do together?

We lay together. Not just cuddling like I answered in a different question, but we talk. About anything and everything. Hannibal listens more than he speaks up until he notices I’m getting tired, and then he speaks and I listen. He’ll cite Dante in Italian or quote Shakespeare, he’ll talk about Schrodinger's theory or answer my question do killed spiders become ghosts? And we spend that time together. There’s an intimacy not just in naked bodies but in bared souls too, and when both forms happen at the same time? It’s the purest, rawest intimacy he and I are capable of. And it happens nightly - no exceptions.

Who needs more TLC when sick?

Hanni rarely gets sick or injured, so this is me again. I usually work as best as I can through my sickness and I’ll tell him that I’m fine, I don’t need anything... but he takes care of me because he knows I want him to, even if I won’t say it. I’m the kind of person who longs to be wholly self-sufficient and independent, and I can do it, too, but I soften considerably when someone treats me the way I treat them and it almost always makes me cry, no matter who they are. I’ve learned to be strong so when I’m taken care of, I don’t know how to handle it... but Hanni does. Hanni has seen me at my best, at my worst, at my worst and everything in between, and he can handle all of me. If that’s not love, then I don’t know what is.

[3monthsineurope]

May 21, 2021

I’m heading to upstate New York! I woke up around 6 at Mom and Dad’s on Camano Island. I drove down the night before so Mom could take me to the airport. I washed my face and Mom got everything ready for her day of biking and kayaking after dropping me off at SeaTac. We went down to the store and got gas and said “hi” to Dad. I put a new macrame hanger up for sale, and we were on our way!

I was hoping to not be anxious, but alas, around Smokey Point I definitely started feeling anxious. We stopped twice, just so I could get out of the car and have fresh air. I ended up getting sick in the car (don’t worry, I have sick bags for this reason, hahah). I almost immediately felt better. It makes sense that I was feeling anxious, I was going on my first plane since July—so 10 months had passed! Mom is absolutely amazing when I’m anxious. She rubbed my back and talked me through the anxiety. I did my easy makeup routine of brows and mascara and then we arrived at SeaTac! We had no traffic—woo! Mom took the express lanes.

I got all my stuff together and hugged Mom; I really don’t know what I would do without her! I went into the airport and dropped my bag with Delta. I was going to visit my friends Lauren and Eli, a married couple. I went to their wedding a few years ago. You might be wondering why I was checking a bag, as I usually just carry on. Well, Lauren had a special request. Apparently, they don’t sell Jaunita’s chips in New York? So she paid for me to check my bag, so that I could bring some chips for Eli—they’re his favorite! So I bought four bags of chips and put three in my carry on (so that’s super light!) and one in my checked bag with all my stuff. Eli was going to be so surprised!

After checking my bag, I went to security for TSA Pre Check. It’s a perk I got with my Global Entry card! Last year I had to have an interview with Border Patrol in Blaine, to make sure I wasn’t a threat. I was through security in under five minutes. We had left Camano around 7:15, and even with the two stops we made, we arrived before 9 at the airport, so I had some time to spare. I found my gate, then headed to the Delta Sky Lounge. It was my first time in the lounge—it was the biggest one I’ve been in, yet! I get to use lounges around the world for free with my American Express Platinum card, which is so awesome! (I had to cancel my Chase card when they wouldn’t refund me when our airline to Mexico went out of business. I think I definitely upgraded with the Amex!)

I hung out in the lounge for over an hour. It was huge, the lounge had an upstairs! I downloaded some songs and podcasts so I was stocked with music, podcasts, books, shows, and movies, so I wouldn’t be bored on the plane. I had a bowl of Cheerios (shaped like hearts!), a mimosa, and a breakfast sandwich, all for free!

Around 10:30, I went to my gate. I paid for a basic ticket, so I had my seat assigned to me. I was given seat 30A, a window! It showed the flight as being full, but I ended up having an empty middle seat, which was so nice! The guy sitting in my row was a southern guy, heading back home. He got annoyed when the flight attendant told him to pull his mask over his nose, ugh.

Not surprisingly, I slept a lot on the plane. For about three hours I snoozed. At one point a man nearby yelled because he was watching live sports, haha. I didn’t even get the first snack or drink. It was really bright outside, so the cabin was dimmed and almost everyone had their windows closed, so it was perfect for snoozing. For the rest of my flight to Atlanta (about another hour and a half), I played around on my phone. I played a geography game, and signed into the Delta wifi to text Ingvar and Haley. We landed before 7, which was nice, because my next flight to Rochester was scheduled to leave at 8. Did you know Atlanta is the busiest airport in the world, based on the number of travelers who pass through it. We deplaned, and I took a train to terminal C. I called Ingvar and I explained to him how to mist and water my plants. I have an app that tells me when to mist, water, fertilize, and care for my plants. I usually need to do 3-9 tasks a day to keep them happy and healthy, so Ingvar was going to need to step up and become a plant dad on this trip, haha. I have 26 plants in the house! It was good to talk to him, because he wasn’t awake when I was anxious or at the airport. Thanks for your help, babes!

My seat was assigned for the next flight at the gate. I made it to my gate and saw I was assigned 19B. I walked on the plane to find it a smaller plane—two seats on the left, and three on the right. So my B seat was an isle, not a middle, woo! Also, I was assigned a exit row, so extra room! I didn’t have time to get a snack or anything on my layover, but at least I made my flight! My seat mate was a nice, older man. He was hard of hearing but told me he was seeing his family for the first time since pre-covid! We saw the sunset out the window, which was so nice! On the flight I talked to him a bit, and also wrote some for my blog.

We landed right before 10. Woo, I was in Rochester! We deplaned and I grabbed my bag from baggage claim. Lauren and Eli live about seven minutes from the airport, so when I got out, Lauren drove up and got me! I hadn’t seen either of them since they moved to New York two years ago. Lauren drove us to their place. Eli was doing chores me waiting for us. It was so nice to see them! I opened my bag and Eli was so surprised with all the chips I brought! Shout out to Lauren for the chips idea!

We chatted for a bit and they gave me a tour of their apartment. Their place is much bigger than Ingvar and I’s place. We made plans for the next day to go to Niagara Falls, then decided we should go to bed. We all got ready for bed and I got cozy on a nice air mattress in the huge living room. It was only around midnight in Rochester, but 9pm in Seattle, so I wasn’t toooo tired. I did fall asleep, but needed to use the bathroom around 2:30 am. The bathroom is in their bedroom, so I snuck in there. I didn’t want to wake them up, so on my way out of the room, I didn’t turn on any lights. I ran right into the edge of the door. It actually hurt so bad! I have a bruise on my boob! I accidentally woke up Eli, but told him I was okay. Woops! I slept pretty well the rest of the night. :]

[marvels-writings]

Phoenix and the Stars (2)

| Part 1 |

Carol Danvers Masterlist

Series Masterlist

A/N: woop had a mental breakdown on saturday, so that’s fun, i talked to a close friend after and wrote this, so hey not that bad. (also reader has the same background as the Maria hill one shot The One Where You Accidentally Threw a Punching Bag at Her (or sm similarly named) but check it out for the backstory)

A loud knocking at your door woke you up, you groggily checked the alarm clock, it was 4:27, what the hell. You got up and walked to the door, hand rubbing your head slightly.

“What the hell are you doing?” Carol asked, she wore a thick jacket on top of a light pink t shirt and light blue jeans with white vans. And she had a duffel bag in her hand.

“I was sleeping, now I’m asking you why I’m not sleeping anymore.” You retorted groggily, glaring at Carol who raised an eyebrow.

“We have a mission to go to in 2 minutes.” Carol stated.

“SHIT!” You yelled, retracting your hand from your head and sprinting across your room, gathering everything you could need.

Underwear, bras, t shirts, jeans, pajamas, hoodies, your thickest jacket, a fancy outfit and a dance outfit just in case. You tripped over about five pairs of shoes in order to find the right pair. Carol started laughing at you sprinting across the bed to get your things.

“Can you stop laughing and turn around so I can change?” You said aggressively, taking off your sweatshirt before she could answer. You saw her face turn a bright red before you threw your sweatshirt into the Adidas duffel bag you were preparing. You hurriedly changed into a light blue t shirt, navy blue jeans, dark blue hoodie and your signature white adidas. Grabbing a jacket while putting your shoes wasn’t the best idea, you crashed face first into your closet.

“Is Maria really that bad?” Carol joked, she had seen you prepare enough outfits for an entire week in less than a minute and you fell face first into a wooden closet not to be late.

“Oh you have no idea.” You shouted, putting on your shoes and zipping up the duffel bag. You glanced at your alarm clock to see it was 4:30 already. “Let’s go.” You said, grabbing your jacket and shouldering past Carol.

Of course, you tripped on your shoelaces instantly. A small squeal came out at the sudden loss of balance, but something stopped you before you could touch the ground. You opened your eyes as you were pulled back up by your waist.

“You’re such an idiot.” Carol said, rolling her eyes and pulling you up by your shirt, resting her arm on your waist after. “You okay?” She asked, closer to you than before.

“Uh, I’m fine, I think.” You said, your gaze accidentally slipping to her lips before you rushed back into your room to get your phone and bluetooth speaker and headphones.

“I said 4:30 sharp.” Maria said, walking through the doors with her arms crossed.

“I know, I forgot, I’m sorry.” You apologized hurriedly, shoving your phone in your back pocket and your speaker in your duffel bag.

“Let’s just go.” Maria said, walking away. You and Carol jogged a little to catch up with her. “Try to be punctual next time.”

“Well she did get 20 outfits together in a minute, cut her a bit of slack.” Carol commented, then smirked when she saw a surprised expression at her defending you. “She only forgot about the mission.”

“And here I thought you were defending me!” You said, slapping her arm slightly, causing Carol to laugh and Maria to roll her eyes.

“Would I ever?” Carol joked, you joined Maria in rolling her eyes this time.

-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

The position for the stakeout wasn’t bad, it was terrible. The meeting for the arms dealing was across a frozen lake from a small wooden cabin, the stakeout. The cabin was barely insulated, with a broken heating system but it had multiple fireplaces.

“At least there’s two rooms.” You offered, trying to be more optimistic about it.

“Optimistic phoenix at it again.” Carol joked, setting her duffel bag in the small living room.

The ground floor was small, if anything. There was a small wooden kitchen with maybe 10 small cabinets and a fridge. The counter had 3 barstools set across from it. Right next to it, there was the living room. It had a loveseat, two single couches across a fireplace. There was a TV on the wall next to the fireplace. The door was across from the fireplace.

After going up the creaky wooden steps, you found a small hallway with two rooms directly across from each other, the only bathroom just ahead of the two doors. And no attic or basement.

“This was the best Maria could do?” Carol asked, letting out a frustrated groan and flopping down on the loveseat.

“It was the closest she could get us.” You shouted from upstairs after finding a vinyl player in one room and recordings in the other.

“Hey look what I found.” You offered, heading downstairs with the objects in your hands, the stairs creaking.

“A vinyl player?” She asked, raising a skeptical eyebrow.

“Yeah, and some newer recordings.” You stated, setting up the player on the counter and plugging it into the plug next to the barstools.

“So much fun.” Carol remarked, walking over behind you to find a few vinyls from the mid 2010’s. She picked up the 25 Adele album.

“Didn’t know you were a person for Adele.” You remarked, taking the record and putting it in. Water Under The Bridge started playing the instant you plugged it in, you couldn’t help but grin.

“I haven’t really heard much of Adele to be honest,” Carol said, her eyes widening slightly at the music. “But this sounds really good!”

“Star Girl really needs to keep up with pop culture.” You remarked, digging through the box for the first album. She slapped you on the arm jokingly and sat down in front of the fireplace, shivering slightly through her hoodie. After sorting through the records, you learnt there were only two albums from 2015, Oh Wonder and 25 by Adele. There were tons of other records from the early 2010’s and a few One Direction albums. You even found Halsey’s first album there.

You switched off the music and sat across from Carol on one of the single seaters. You noticed her shivering slightly and shot a small fireball towards the already prepared logs in the fireplace. Carol gave you a small nod and continued to stare at the fire, deep in thought.

“What’s on your mind?” You asked, leaning forwards on your elbows to get closer to the fire and to look at Carol.

“Nothing, I just,” She paused slightly and sighed. “I missed so much in the five years I was gone.”

“You only missed a ton of pop culture and memes, you’re fine.” You joked, leaning back in your chair as Carol glared at you. “No seriously, you only missed 5 years, Captain America missed a hundred, you’re honestly fine.”

Carol nodded  her head, considering what you said. She knew you were right, five years wasn’t as bad as a hundred, but still.

“Thanks.” She said after a pause.

“Sure, friends?” You asked, outreaching a hand for her to shake. She looked at you skeptically before shaking your hand.

“Friends.”

-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

“Carol we’ve been cooped up here for 3 days.” You whined, sitting next to her on the loveseat as she read one of the books she brought.

The target was supposed to arrive for the deal two days ago, and there was little to no entertainment here. You and Carol had started talking, mainly about the things in the house and a little bit about your past. You had found out she was human but captured by Kree for 5 years, and now she worked with the Avengers, neat.

“I’m aware of that.” She retorted, glancing up at you before returning to her book. You rolled your eyes and snatched her book, raising your eyebrows at her annoyance.

Both of you knew the only reason this mission was lasting so long was because of the delay, but you were bored. Currently, you were wearing a thin short sleeved t shirt and sweatpants, Carol wore a thick strapped tank top and leggings.

“I’m bored.” You stated, she raised an eyebrow in turn.

“Do you want to dance?” She joked, meaning to say if you wanted her to dance. But actually, dancing together didn’t seem like such a bad idea.

“You mean together?” You asked, she made a confused face but before she could react, you glanced at the records, shrugged and answered your own question. “Sure.”

You got up and sorted through the records, deciding the Oh Wonder records would probably be the best. ‘Technicolour beat’ started playing softly through the house as you plugged the vinyl player in. Carol was still sitting in the same place.

“Hey you said you wanted to dance.” You commented, leaning back against the window as the song continued to play.

‘Let loose your glow

Come settle down, settle down’

“Fine.” Carol grumbled and walked over to you, still a little confused on how to dance since you’d picked a slow song.

“Do you want to do a slow dance or…?” You asked curiously, watching her fidget with her hands.

“Not sure, what songs are on the recording?” She asked, you knelt down next to the record to see. “Bad idea.” She commented, seeing you were about to lift up the needle.

“Fine, though last time I listened to this album they only had the slow songs.” You commented, getting back up before realized Carol didn’t really know how to dance. “You don’t really know how to dance, do you?” You asked curiously, tilting your head to the side.

“There’s no need to rub it in.” Carol defended, crossing her arms. You laughed slightly at her defensive behaviour.

“I’m not, I’m offering to teach you.” You chuckled slightly at her shocked expression as you offered her your hand.

Carol glanced from your hand to your face, her arms still crossed for a few seconds with a raised eyebrow. You shrugged slightly and were about to take back your offer when she took your hand, your face lighting up with a smile.

“So, it’s actually really simple, don’t worry.” You joked, taking her other hand as well. “We can do waltz or the usual casual style.” You said, holding her hands in yours like it was a normal thing, Carol’s face starting to light up a bright pink.

“A mix?” She asked, you laughed slightly and nodded, missing her smile when you laughed.

“Sure, so you put your hand in mine, like this.” You instructed holding up your joined hands at eye level. “Then, since this is usually a male and a female, I’ll be the male to show-”

“Nah, let’s do it the other way around.” Carol joked, grinning at you. You giggled slightly, mirroring her grin before rethinking your instructions.

“Fine, so I put my hand on your shoulder,” You said, hesitantly resting your hand on her shoulder, directly on her skin. She blushed slightly, you could feel her tense up slightly, drawing your hand away. “Is this okay?” You asked, looking up at her slightly, a bit scared you had over stepped.

“No, it’s fine.” Carol said, relaxing slightly when you put your hand back on her shoulder.

‘Warm, unalone

Come settle down, settle down’

“Ok, well you put your hand around my waist.” You instructed, when Carol raised an eyebrow you rolled your eyes and took your hand away from her shoulder to instruct her hand, you put it right above your hip. “Like so.”

Carol blushed slightly, clenching her jaw at the closeness. Even though she wouldn’t admit it, it had been forever since she had been close with someone, it had been forever since she had danced, or waltzed as you liked to call it, and it felt… nice.

“And now?” Carol asked curiously, her voice lower than it was before. Both of you were warm, the sunlight glinting softly in your eyes and hair.

“And now we just sway.” You whispered, looking up into her eyes, feeling more relaxed than you have anytime before this mission. The two of you gently rocked from side to side, sharing body heat while everything else was cold around you.

‘And I feel life for the very first time

Love in my arms, and the sun in my eyes’

Both of you couldn’t help but blush at the lyric. You rested your head on her shoulder, shuffling slightly closer to her while swaying. You felt her tense up again, you were about to pull away before she interrupted you.

“It’s okay, you’re not making me uncomfortable.” She comforted, almost like she was reading your mind. You smiled slightly and rested your head back onto her shoulder, letting her warmth envelop you as the two of you swayed gently in the sunset. You hadn’t felt this relaxed or well, intimate in a long time. SHIELD had kind of taken away your chance at a normal relationship. But now, well you never thought you’d have this chance with the great Captain marvel, taking in the fact the two of you had only become friends a few days ago. Honestly, you wish you could read minds.

If you could, you would’ve found Carol felt a similar way. She wanted to be in a relationship, badly, but she was terrified of the consequences. She was away most of the time, her partner would suffer and so would she. To be honest, she was terrified of what loving someone could mean, but she never thought it would be as easy as this.

‘In a technicolour beat, you and me (found another feeling)

Caught up in a dream, in a technicolour beat’

The relationship had started off as enemies, gone to friends. And now, it was about to go a completely different direction, but you were ready to go through it with Carol, you didn’t know yet she felt the same way.

Tag list: @capcarolsdanver​​, @versdan​​, @lesbian-girls-wayhaught​​, @lovebotlarson​​, @dhengkt​​, @5aftermidnight​​, let me know if you’d like to be in any of my tag lists!

A/N: This was extra long to pay up for the inactivity. I’m just getting back results for exams and they are a bit disappointing. Especially English, which I expected a bit better in. This is actually one of my new fav writing pieces, so reblogs would be AMAZING, thanks. But anyway, here’s the next part of Phoenix and the Stars, feedback is amazing, thank you!

| Part 3 |

[chaoticspacefam]

OC Music Meme

I was tagged for this by @actualanxiousswampwitch ! Thank you & sorry it took so long, didn’t have time to write this out before I left for holiday stuff so here we go! I shall tag: @actualanxiousswampwitch (go on give us another one XD), @a-muirehen​ , @kyber-heart​ , @thedinalixlegacy​ (no pressure as always, I know I’m kinda late now sksjkshskhs!) and anyone else who wants to do this, yes, I promise I mean you!

art is by @ ocellifera on deviantART! :D

Let’s do Aria this time, shall we! Since her playlist is the second-longest, and her and Vano’s ship playlist is the longest, we’ll have the most (probable options! Long post so goin’ under a cut. Additional TW’s for: drugs, alcohol, alcoholism, drug addiction and murder, in case I’ve forgotten to add it to the song-specific sections. If you click past this cut, know that this is what you may find there.

reminds you of them most: It was super hard to pick just three for hers, there were so many others I wanted to include here, but couldn’t, as I wanted to make sure I included songs that covered as much of her over-arching characterisation as I could. Honourable mentions to: Miss Jackson - Panic! At The Disco feat. LOLO, Wilson (Expensive Mistakes) - Fall Out Boy, Beekeeper - Keaton Henson, and Bones Of A Rabbit - Young Heretics, which can all be found (and more) on her Spotify Playlist - catch-all warning for: sex, drugs, violence and murdering of parents applies here, be aware her playlist is very dark, just as dark as Rai’s but with differing subject matter, proceed with caution if you find anything like that triggering!)

You’re Going Down - Sick Puppies :: This one is kinda self-explanatory. I heard it on a Spotify or Youtube shuffle at some point a year or so ago and immediately went “Oh, hey Aria!” so onto her playlist it went XD “Because I'm hyped up out of control If it's a fight, I'm ready to go I wouldn't put my money on the other guy If you know what I know that I know.”  don’t mess with the Tiny Sith, guys, she will put you in the medbay. She’ll do it, she’s done it before ask Vano what happened to the last guy *nods*

Liar - The Arcadian Wild :: This is a relatively “new” song in comparison, which was sent to me by a good rp/writer friend on Discord (who afaik doesn’t have other socials!) that I often discuss plot points etc. with among other things, saying “hey this reminded me of Aria thought you’d like it!”. I listened to it and yep, sure enough, it’s an Aria song. A big part of Aria’s character is that at the start, she really is quite a bad person. She’s nasty, and cantankerous and she really doesn’t care about anybody except for herself (and maybe her dad. A tiny bit.), as things progress, however, while she is still inherently quite rude and selfish, she DOES learn to value other people...provided they are people she cares about, like Vano, and her friends, and so on,  as well as (sometimes, she’s working on it still) taking the blame for her own actions and learning it’s not “weak” or bad to a) admit you care about people, b) make mistakes and c) admit those mistakes and take responsibility for them. "I sense there’s trouble ahead, it’s clear by the signs and warnings. That should tell where all blame is due, So why are they pointing at MY head? [...] I sense deception to come. Honestly, truth and I are never one. 'Cause I am the lying man and I have made you my next victim. I need you to see through my act, to tell me I'm wrong, to take off the mask, or else I'll be left in the lie. And I'll deceive my way straight to demise! Cause I’m not in the right state of mind, I just wish I had strength to admit it. My stubbornness will put up a fight! But I don’t deserve to win it... I’m left in the dark, pondering my mistakes But in the light I swear I will, deny it all...” 

I didn’t mean to post like half the song but woops it’s done so have it anyway lmao

Brutus - The Buttress :: TW: intense violent imagery in the lyrics. This one is very relevant but contains spoilers for upcoming and as of yet unposted/incomplete chapters (as in...like 3 ish chapters time at most) of Creeping Shadows, so I’ll post this quote as “explanation” and let you theorize who it’s about

“My name is Brutus and my name means “heavy” So with a heavy heart I'll guide this dagger into the heart of my Enemy! My whole life you were a teacher and friend to me Please know my actions are not motivated only by envy I too have a destiny! This death will be art! The people will speak of this day from near and afar This event will be history, And I'll be great too! I don't want what you have, I wanna be you!!“

reminds another character of them:

Where’s My Love? - SYML :: (Vano) I think the acoustic version is especially emotional : ))) Vano looked for her for years but couldn’t find her and genuinely thought Aria was dead. You can understand why she was so fucking angry when she found out that was a lie...but at the same time, she just wanted her love to come home :( “Did she run away? Did she run away? I don't know If she ran away, If she ran away, Come back home Just come home“

Mothers - Daughter :: (Myla, her mother) “Love all you need to love before it goes... When your face becomes a stranger’s that I don’t know. You will never remember who I was to you [...] I’m called “mother”, but they’re called “home”.”

Myla raised Aria for the first few years of her life, and really wanted to keep her away from both the Jedi and the Sith but as it became more and more clear that Aria’s Force affinity was as strong as her father’s, the situation rapidly spiralled out of Myla’s control. She tried to hide Aria, but in the end her father Noctis did find them and take Aria to train with the Sith. She didn’t see her daughter again until she was a teenager, suddenly turning up with the task to kill her for treason against the Empire (Myla is not the canon Imp Agent, but follows the general trajectory of the LS!Agent storyline i.e. an agent disillusioned with the Empire who eventually defects to the Republic with the help of the SIS.). Though she’s a Senator on Onderon now, Myla carried a blaster for personal protection and ofc knows how to use it, except...she couldn’t shoot her own daughter and that was all she wrote. I imagine her thought process during her final moments went something like in this song, especially the bit that I highlighted up there.

reminds you of a relationship of theirs, doesn’t have to be romantic, can be paternal, friendly, etc:

Tongues & Teeth - The Crane Wives :: Aria & Vano (Romantic). Aria’s relationship with Vano is incredibly messy and complicated. On one hand, she knows Vano deserves better, but at the same time she doesn’t want her to go anywhere else and it seems like no matter what she does to try and “warn her off” about what a “bad person” she is, Vano keeps coming back anyway. Ergo, this song. "Oh, I will ruin you. I will ruin you. It’s a habit...I can’t help it. I know that you mean so well, but I am not a vessel for your good intent. I will only break your pretty things, I will only wring you dry of everything! But if you’re fine with that, if you’re fine with that [...] You can be mine.”

Colours - Halsey :: Aria & Merak & Ziri (Friendship/Platonic Love) “You’re only happy when your sorry head is filled with dope, I hope you make it to the day you’re 28 years old...”

Aria “coped” (i.e. not very well but she did it) with the guilt of killing her mother and the stress brought on by the night terrors by self-medicating with glitterstims (spice) and alcohol, and this is how Merak in particular remembers her. Though she got clean from spice after they picked up Ziri, she still continued to drink (and still does) quite heavily, though at least it’s easier to manage that habit. Both of them supported her through this the best they could and it’s probably a big reason (other than Merak being Vano’s little brother) that they’re still Aria’s friends to this day, even if she doesn’t actively travel with them anymore.

(honourable mention to Agnes - Glass Animals which also falls under this “category” but I didn’t want this to get too crowded lmao, it is once again a super long post woops) You’re Gonna Go Far, Kid - The Offspring :: Aria & Roan/Darth Noctis (Familial/Familial Love) Listen, he may have taught her very bad emotional habits and turned her into a tiny attack dog, but her father did love & protect her the best way he possibly could. He was very proud of her and always envisioned her taking his place as a Darth one day (and it takes her a longass while, but eventually she does! Congrats dad!). That’s all I’ve got to say about this one 🤷‍♀️ Monster - Willyecho :: Aria & Satele Shan/The Jedi Order (Enemies to Begrudging Respect (eventually) “I can see the truth. No, you don’t have to lie to me. Don’t fill your head with things and think you’re free~ [...] You don’t believe in monsters, do you~?” ”Of course not!” ”Well, I do...” See me change...into something...darker....” My personal favourite from this “round”. It’s not until Ilum that Satele and the Jedi finally realise they have not “converted” Aria as they thought they did, but rather...they’ve had a Sith hiding under their noses, a Sith related to a Dark Councillor well-known for murdering Jedi no less, and that perhaps...the “deaths” she had convinced them were accidental, were in fact, not an accident at all. 😈 Aria, of course, gets her ass thrown in jail for a few years for this lmao When the schtick with the Revanites happens and Theron needs someone who can “negotiate in a civil manner with Sith”, he and his mother agree Aria is the best bet - if it works, the Sith will respond more positively to her than any other Jedi, if they kill her instead then they’re “rid of” her and don’t lose one of their own - when Lana’s point-of-contact happens to be Vano and the pair reunite after another several years apart, Aria refuses to return to the Republic after Yavin IV. By then, she’s developed enough of a begrudging respect for Satele (and vice versa) that the Grand Master lets her go (not that she was willing to try and fight Vano, Ni’kasi, Marr & Lana to try and take Aria prisoner again anyways). They haven’t seen each other since and though Aria is neutral to the Jedi who have joined the Alliance, she doesn’t care for those who are still loyal to the Republic and would rather have nothing to do with them if she can help it.

[bloated-mess]

The Things We Kept Quiet About

okay so

Chan is a single father of two

Changbin and jisung

when he adopted those two, jisung had immediately clung to 2chan a lot

protect him he’s just a smog boi

Later on, chan found felix and decided he’d add him to his small family.

felix also had clung onto 2chan

changbin helped his dad a lot 

especially when the chaotic twins happened

but Chan had a soft spot for felix right from the start, always have and always will

(and maybe to jisung too, but he doesn't say. Changbin just knows)

He then met Woojin, fell in love..you know that jazz

Turns out Wooj was also a single father of three woop hoop

They moved in together

it was a mess

Woojin had hyunjin, Seungmin and minho

Hyunjin was an emo child, so he didn't like chan’s kids at first, always picking fights with  them

(damn hyunjin can't you chill)

he never fought with his own siblings, but minho was inevitable occasionally 

when they moved in, the house was pretty big

(woochan were people who had money, so they can afford don't worry)

Jisung immediately latched onto minho and occasionally Woojin

Seungmin and changbin had petty fights

 but they made up sooner or later 

because changbin likes to baby the younger

The chaotic twins turned into the quadruplet mess

Later on, they would adopt Jeongin, the only child that woochan adopted together

the quadruplets absolutely adored him

Felix was always close to chan, but lately he had grown closer to Woojin

Chan didn’t mind since he himself is always working and can only spend so much time with each child

To which, he always gets scolded by woojin. but hey, he tries.

Chan knows that felix will always comes back to him anyway

like how when felix thinks Chan is asleep, he’d crawl onto the bed and sleep with him whenever nightmare season rolls around

or sometimes when he’s working in the home studio late at night, Felix will sleep on the couch behind him

Chan never tells anyone

Jisung is a whiny baby, so he would always have someone’s attention

but he just HAD to fight with another whiny baby, hyunjin who’s always fighting everyone

they HATED each other

but when no one is looking and the thunderstorms are raging at night, 

wooj would find the both of them cuddled up to each other

Woojin never tells on them

Seungmin was ecstatic when he found out that they adopted another

He had always wanted someone younger than him!

Seungmin always babied jeongin even when the younger hated it up to the point where he got mad at seungmin 

jeongin ignored him for a whole week

Seungmin had silently cried himself to sleep every night that week

When chan found Seungmin waking up at wee hours of the morning sporting a headache, his heart broke

he hugged the kid and said sweet nothings, after making him drink warm milk and take a pill 

on friday night, Chan headed to seungmin’s room to check up on him

when he saw him clutching to jeongin’s shirt as they slept curled towards each other

Chan never told anyone

Changbin and Minho had always been awkward with each other

both being the oldest and the busiest with school to ever interact with each other

It wasn’t until Minho found changbin sitting alone on the swing set writing down lyrics that he decided to sit with him

Changbin didn't mind, sometimes asking for the older’s opinion and let him read his lyrics.

minho never really opened up to him

so when changbin found minho curling up in bed upset over a stray cat, it reminded him when he and jisung was smaller

he couldn’t bring himself to laugh at him

so he back-hugged him and they accidentally fell asleep like that

when Woojin went to wake them up for school, his heart swelled 

he never told anyone about it

Woojin had always been strong for his children, and it didn't change when he gained another 4

The house was hectic 95% of the time but woochan wouldn't change it for the world

So when woojin fell sick, the kids were heart broken

Chan tried to assure them that it was just a fever

but woojin was bed ridden as his fever was running him over like train on tracks

When chan left to make him porridge, the kids entered the room one by one and snuggled into Woojin hoping he would heal faster that way

when chan found them, his heart went mush 

he didn't tell wooj about it

Instead, he ushered them out afraid they will catch the fever from wooj and putting on a movie for them to watch together

and to lessen their worries

When woochan found them next morning, they were all tangled up on the couch, snuggled into each other while the credits were rolling

they never told anyone

And instead, they wrote down these memories of their family

alongside memories  of the two families before they united

they kept writing in it until their children were no longer children

They never found out until chan gave it to them on what would be their one of their last christmas together

The quadruplet mess are now graduating universities, they had plans to travel the world. Jisung and Changbin went to help their dad with producing

Felix intended to go back to australia, but not without chan

Minho was a  full-time dancer and jeongin stayed with woochan

Woojin had been diagnosed with cancer, and chan had old age disease

So he sat them all down one christmas as they gave their last present to the children

they sat around the christmas tree reading the stories out loud and showing the pictures that were attached with 

The children also exchanged stories about things they kept from the parents

Woojin couldn’t bring himself to get angry when minho said he had snuck some alcohol and gave it to the quadruplets that one time when he just enrolled in uni

Chan had  been stunned the whole time

“I can’t believe you hid that from us”

“its only fair when you hid all this from us!”

so they stayed up all night talking until they got tired

The  kids started living their life

not even 3 years later, Woochan passed away in a freak accident

Thankfully, the driver of the other vehicle was arrested

chaotic twins had a full break down when they heard the news

jeongin could not stop crying

minho was angry at everything

the rest was speechless

The quadruplet mess turned into an actual mess after the funeral

changbin couldn’t bring himself to cry

the home they grew up in had never known silence as silent as this

it went on for three whole days

minho would never admit but he couldn't sleep without bawling his eyes out throughout the whole time

Changbin cooped up in Chan’s home studio before he started feeling suffocated and started exploring the house

He gathered  everyone in the living room when he found the old photo albums and the book their parents gave three years back

They all flipped through the albums and shared stories from back then

For the first time since woochan’s deaths, they cracked up a smile as they reminisce the memories

The hole in their hearts accompanied by the sorrow of the losses never went away

but as they sort out things, they grew closer than ever

They went on with their lives as happy as they could

Once a year, they would gather at the family home, which changbin had taken over, and spend some time together for a week

they would visit their parent’s graves, updating their lives to them even though it sounded silly

but it helped them cope

thinking that maybe

just maybe

they were still listening and cared for them as much as they did when they were alive

now that they’re in heaven.

[disregardcanon]

end of year writing meme for 2018! feel free to piggyback if you’d like to and please tag me if you do! i’d love to see what everyone did ficwise this year :) 

Total Stories Written: 31

Total Words Written:  122741 Average Words Per Story: 4,000 Shortest Story: femme fatale 389 Longest: born to live, made to die wip currently at 20,826 Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you’d predicted?

less for sure. i wrote more original stuff this year (i got 20k done for nano! woop!) but over all i didn’t write as much. i’ve been busier and there’s been a lot more happy stuff going on outside of school, so that’s good. 

What pairing/genre/fandom did you write most?

pairing: snaibsel from number of stories, tododeku from how many words were written about a pairing

genre: um. is “coming of age story/gender bend” a genre because i wrote that the most

fandom: bnha

What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted in January?

well i didn’t even know that spop was a thing in january so rewrite would have been a surprise except that it’s so up my alley that i would just look at and say “that tracks”. maybe all the bnha gender bends? i would have been shocked that i made myself ship kacchako when i first started bnha in june probably  Did you take any writing risks this year?

i started a long fic for fma that i’m still working on, which is pretty big for me. i also started a series about gender bent bnha characters, which is pretty controversial.  Do you have any fanfic or general writing goals for the new year?

finish up some more of those bnha gender bends, finish the bnha yj crossover, and hopefully finish more original fic. 

From the past year of writing, what was your… Best story of this year:

born to live, made to die has to be it. everything has just kind of come together in that one and i’ve grown so much as a writer working on it. 

Most popular story of this year:

gimme a boost over heaven’s gate, the au where tahani and eleanor meet on a trashy day time tv show and fall in love and decide to become better people together 

Personal favorite:

ad astra per aspera for sure. projecting all my own feelings all over the place? exploring ochako as a character? having her make out with my butch lesbian bakugo? accidentally becoming a kacchako shipper? that fic is very important to me. 

then after that is probably heavy is the head that wears the cowl. i love getting back into jaime and bart’s heads every single time that i do it and this one was a real treat. working through their reputations, writing some stuff about their relationships, and getting to juxtapose them and then bring them back together was fantastic. it was some of my best work this year not gonna lie. 

Most under-appreciated: i’d say hers, not his just because it’s 18k for a popular pairing and only has 35 kudos. i worked very hard on that fic and it’s for tododeku! tododeku! i know that fics for large ships can slip through the cracks but it still kinda ticks me off. 

Most fun to write:

two badass lady veterans was certainly a joy. i LOVE writing middle aged women realizing their sexuality and falling in love, and writing penelope as an emerging bisexual woman learning with her daughter is such a joy. the alvarezes are all super fun to write and jill is such a good character too. 

gimme a boost over heaven’s gate was super fun too because tahani’s pov is a delight and i love every member of the good place cast. 

gotham nine nine was super funny because it’s all of the b99 folks and their super villain SOs or one night stands from the dc universe 

Story with the single sexiest moment:

break a leg probably? that was the only smut fic i wrote this year. 

Most “holy crap, that’s wrong, even for you” story: i didn’t really write anything holy shit level of terrible this year. born to live, made to die has its moments and the premise of passing on a parasite is that one for all is sentient and isn’t good, so maybe one of those? 

actually just realized that the most disturbing thing that i’ve written this year is a wip that i’ll probably post in a week or two. so. there’s that.  Most challenging to write:

either born to live, made to die because of the crazy intricacies of balancing so many povs that sometimes blend into each other and trying to keep up with my own complicated plot or hers, not his because that fic shifted into an 18k monster that looked nothing like my original vision for it. 

Biggest disappointment: maybe riza get your gun? i expected to enjoy the gimmick of mixing riza hawkeye’s character with annie oakley a lot more than i did.  Favorite character to write:

i really enjoyed writing catra and the entire cast of the good place. and honestly... writing bakugo is a joy. what a delightful dick. 

Favorite opening lines:

The people love Kid Flash. (heavy is the head that wears the cowl) 

 One For All is a blessing until it isn’t. (passing on a parasite) 

Bakugo Katsuki is six years old and she hates this stupid game. She hates this stupid boy and his stupid house and his stupid, shitty face. She wishes her mom hadn’t dragged her over to his stupid, shitty house in the first place. (knights in shining armor)  Favorite closing lines:

She'd have to come out and figure out everything surrounding that, all the problems that she never confronted because she had never seriously considered stepping out of the closet because she was afraid of how people would react. But she's thinking about it now. What if she didn't care what people thought as much? What if she just let herself be? She thinks that whatever she'd let herself be, it's someone who likes looking up at the stars, laying next to Bakugo Katsuki. Acknowledging that Ochako herself is fierce and beautiful, nuanced and complicated, and that no matter what, she enjoys this girl's company, that she likes her in ways she's never really wanted to. Maybe she's ready to try something like that. The only way to the stars is through difficulty, after all. (Ad Astra Per Aspera) 

For a moment, they’re just a pair of dumb teenage boys, laughing about shitty shit jokes so that they don’t cry. Really, when it comes down to it, they’re just two kids suffocating under the weight of their masks. (heavy is the head that wears the cowl) 

She’s Todoroki Sango. She can fight her own battles. She can slay her own demons, and she can end up happy too. (Hers, Not His) 

Other favorite lines:

Now that they are all grown and there are no more curses, kissing doesn't have to mean true love or death do us part if they don't want to. (Dream Boy) 

She’s Dr. and she’s Mrs. and she’s a young girl in Estonia and she’s an old psychic and she’s alone and she’s together and she’s an almost mother and she’s old and she’s young, all at the same time. Persephone Poldma is everything and nothing all at the same time. (wibbly wobbly timey wimey stuff) 

Really, getting pushed off the side of a bridge by a super villain is perfectly fine when Wonder Woman flies off the edge and catches you in her arms. (Wonder Women)

She just needs the idea to be planted in his mind.

The soil is less hostile now, nourished by guilt. Perhaps it will grow this time. (Born to Live, Made to Die) 

“They’re friends,” Deku says, “if they break up, it could mess up the whole equilibrium of our friend group. Our fragile friend group ecosystem may be destroyed!” Was she being overdramatic? Yes. Did she care? No. (gays of a feather)

Then, she whispers the next part into Adora’s ear, “I can rewrite her memories too. I could let you two have that fairy tale romance that you always wanted. All you have to do is say yes.” Adora sees the image in her mind clearly, she and Catra dancing at a ball, Catra dapper and charming in a perfectly fitting suit. There’s a tension to their dancing- they were enemies in the memory, but Shadow Weaver changes the picture.  (Rewrite) 

[nightlight9]

Sterek Day Seven: Halloween

I hope this is halloweeny enough for this prompt. Mostly it’s a cutesy fluff. I also wrote it for the sterekwritingroom October prompt: Autumn. Enjoy

———-

“Dude.” Scott is staring at Stiles with an incredulous expression, eyebrows drawn together in confusion. “You’re serious? You really don’t want to go? But this is your favorite time of year! You have a whole speech about why it’s better than Christmas! And one of your go-to points is about his great the Halloween Fest is!”

Stiles throws himself across the bed and sighs, avoiding eye contact. Because the thing is, Scott is right. Stiles loves Halloween. He loves that everyone dresses up just because it’s fun, loves carving pumpkins and making candied apples. And more than anything else, he loves the Beacon Hills Halloween Festival. All of the local shops set up booths full of their spookiest creations, the high school runs a haunted house, there’s a spooky cookie bake off, and the whole area smells like apple cider and sweet pumpkin pie. It’s amazing. Scott and Stiles go every year, and they haven’t missed a festival since they started the tradition in middle school.

But this year, Stiles can’t go. He can’t. Not after he embarrassed himself in front of Derek Hale, only son of the powerful Talia Hale, who happens to one of the festival’s main sponsors. Even though the Hale’s aren’t in charge of it, not really, they always attend.

“What could you have done that’s bad enough to make you refuse to go to the festival?”

He buries his head in the pillow, not wanting to admit it. But if it’s the only thing that will get Scott to back down, then, “Okay, but this have to stay between us. Remember when I went out with Erica to the bars a few weeks ago? We ended up at the same bar that Derek and Boyd were at. When she saw them, Erica made sure that we ‘accidentally’ ran into them, and Boyd invited us to drink with them. Obviously Erica agreed.” At first it was nice. Erica, who has liked Boyd for years, really hit it off with him, and soon enough the pair was on the dance floor together. And Derek turned out to be a lot of fun to talk to, with a dry humor and sharpwit. “But I had a little too much to drink.”

Scott visibly pales, slouching on the bed beside Stiles with an, “Oh.”

If there is one universal truth between them, it is that Stiles gets very loveable and clingy when he gets drunk. Which, when mixed with strangers, is never a good thing.

“Yeah. Erica and Boyd were dancing, and Derek and I were just kind of hanging out. And he turned out to be so funny and sharp. Well drunk me decided it was time to make a move, so I reached over, ran my fingers through his beard, told him he was beautiful and that I wanted to have puppies with him, and then I realized what I had said and ran away. I literally got up and ran out of the bar. I left my phone and my keys behind and everything!” Derek had been nice enough to give them to Erica. It was mortifying. “So yeah, I really can’t go.”

Scott nods silently, his mouth tipped into a frown. But then he remembers something. “Dude!” He smacks Stiles’ back. “We have to go though. Kira said that she was going to be there this year, and that she was helping to run the kissing booth. Kissing booths, Stiles!”

“Just go by yourself, Scott.”

Grabbing at Stiles’ legs, Scott starts trying to pull him off of the bed. “You have to go! I need you there to make sure I don’t run away. Listen, I’ll help you avoid Derek all night. I’ll buy you some cider and a caramel apple. And we can leave as soon as we see her. Come on Stiles, this is my chance!”

He wants to say no. He really wants too. But he knows how hard it is for Scott to talk to Kira on a normal day, and he’s been crushing on her for a few years. Having a course together at their local college has helped him branch out a little, but there is no way he’ll approach the girl he likes if Stiles isn’t there physically shoving him over to her. “Fine. But if something terrible happens, it’s on you.”

Scott woops in joy, then scrambles over to his closet to find something to wear. Stiles watches him with a feeling of impending doom. What won’t he do for his friends, honestly.

———-

Stiles is happy as soon as they arrive at the festival. People are milling around everywhere, laughing in groups and wearing fun costumes. Scott and Stiles are both dressed as scarecrows because Kira said that scarecrows were cute (and also Stiles has a lot of extra plaid shirts).

Talia Hale is waiting by the gates, greeting everyone who shows up. She nods at them both but her gaze doesn’t linger on them, which makes Stiles relax. From then on, it’s easy to be sweat into the festivities.

They get some apple cider, and Stiles buys an orange knitted scarf from the woman who lives down the street from his father. Scott tries his hand at the ring toss, and they visit his mother at the hospital’s booth.

When they finally catch sight of the kissing booth, Scott stops in his tracks, looking a little betrayed, and Stiles bursts into crazed laughter and begins dragging him over. Because it is a kissing booth. But it’s $2 to kiss some of the dogs rather than the people manning the booth. And Stiles thinks that’s awesome.

Kira waves them over when she sees them, her smile wide. Her nose has been painted and she’s wearing a set of pointed dog ears.

“Scott! Stiles! I’m glad you made it!”

When all Scott does is stare at her with a lovestruck expression, Stiles elbows him then takes over the conversation. “Hey, Kira! This is an awesome idea!” He’s already fishing money from his wallet when voice behind him says, “Thank you.” It’s a voice Stiles would recognize anywhere.

Turning around, Stiles wants to coo at how cute Derek looks with his face painted like a wolf’s and also kind of run away like a coward. From the corner of his eye, he catches the slogan painted on the kissing booth banner. It’s a wolf’s head tipped back to howl at the moon, the sign of the Wolf Sanctuary. That Derek runs.

“Hey, Derek,” Stiles says, wincing at how loud his voice his. “I was just-. You know-. Dogs.”

Derek laughs, a gentle huff, then places his hand on the small of Stiels’ back to urge him forward. “Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone.”

Scott makes a confused noise at being abandoned, but Stiles can’t bother to say anything to him. Because Derek’s hand is warm, and he keeps his body close, and he smells so nice. Leading him around the booth, Derek introduces Stiles to each of the dogs. None of them are the wolves he cares for (obviously), but they’re amazing all the same. But the time Stiles has given each one of them his attention and turns around to ask Scott if he wants to pet them too, Scott and Kira have disappeared.

“What?” He looks around.

Derek blushes and shuffles his feet. “I, uh, let them go. Kira hasn’t had a chance to look around yet, and Scott seemed like he wanted to take her, so-.”

So they’re alone. Derek doesn’t say it, but it’s the truth. The thing is, despite how embarrassed he still is about what happened the other week, being around Derek is so easy. He likes it, like the way Derek moves into his space without questioning it. And it feels like something, something good.

So, gathering his courage, Stiles asks, “Maybe I could stay here and help you with the booth then. If that’s alright?”

Derek beams. “I would like that, Stiles. And, uh-. Maybe later we can get some cider or something. Mr. Richards made this pumpkin hot chocolate, and it’s really something to try.”

Taking a chance, Stiles reaches out and grabs Derek’s hand, smiling over at him when Derek twines their fingers together.

“Like a date?”

Derek shrugs, blushing. “I-. Yes.”

Internally, Stiles is screaming. He had been so worried that Derek was freaked out about what happened at the bar, but maybe Derek likes him enough to overlook how crazy he can be. And that means-

“Although,” Derek adds, looking thoughtful. “I think adopting pups is going to have to wait for a few dates.”

Oh god, Stiles is never drinking again.

[spacehologramcollection]

Request; Clones with a disabled s/o.

So I wrote this request and bumped it up because I’m struggling a little. I wrote this to do with my condition because it was just a lil bit easier. If you wanted a specific condition please message me and I can rewrite for you Anon! 

·         Echo; He’s interested and wants to know about it. He’s going to listen and learn. He doesn’t pressurise you though, he lets you explain it in your own time and when you feel comfortable. He makes sure he makes notes of what to do in case of an emergency, what to do if you’re in pain. If you need to sleep he’ll make sure you’re in bed and safe, most of the time he’ll curl up with you and hold you close. When you have to use crutches or a stick, he’ll do as much as he can to help you. Like when you go out anyone who’s caught staring will get a lecture from Echo. Has a special selection of bubble bath for when you’re in flare up. He’ll run you a bath and help you if you need help washing your hair. He’s basically an angel and is helpful.

·         Kix; Kix will learn as much as he can about your condition. He’s a medic and it is his personal mission to make sure you’re okay. His medical knowledge is useful most of the time, except sometimes it can be a bit annoying. He will sometimes overthink and presume the worse (That’s just because he loves you and is worried) he’ll insist on doing a full scan and making sure you haven’t caused an injury. After a while he learns to relax and understand you’ve lived with this for all of your life and you know what’s happening most of the time. When you do need his help though he is calm, professional with a dose of loving. If you’re in flare up he’ll make you breakfast in bed, get you as many hot water bottles as possible. Also, Kix will go with you to all your hospital appointments, your Doctor will listen because your boyfriend is a 6-foot Clone Trooper Medic and nobody going to argue with that. Massages galore! And warm baths with him.

·         Rex; Rex is very protective with you. He’ll make sure you’re okay all the time. He would drive you to the hospital at 3 in the morning after staying up with you for 6 hours prior because you were in pain. He would be there at all your appointments, he will make sure you take all your tablets on time. The times you feel dizzy or like you’re about to have an accident, he’ll offer to get your chair or crutches. If you want to walk he’ll support you and help. If you can’t go much further he’ll ask to carry you. He always makes sure you’re okay with him carrying you. He’ll give you massages and get you comfort food. If you’re feeling fatigued he’ll make sure you’re in bed, he’ll stroke your hair and watch you. Not creepily he just wants to make sure you’re okay. He gets Kix to come look at you if you refuse to go to the hospital. He’ll ask Kix for advice as well.

·         Wolffe; Wolffe says the stuff you don’t want to. If a guy is staring at your braces or someone is taking the piss out of how you’re walking; he’s the first to go over there and get in their face. Nobody does that to his S/O. They soon stop. He can’t cook but he gives good massages, he’ll tape up any joints that need taping and he’ll carry you if you want him to. He gives the best bear hugs but he doesn’t do it often, he gets scared he’ll hurt you and is very gentle with you. His bros know all about you and he gets people to keep an eye on you. The first instance that you need him, such as you are in hospital he will come running ASAP. If you do end up in hospital very ill he will not leave your side. Makes sure you get the best. He will stay up all night if he has to all night to make sure you’re okay or to keep you company if you can’t sleep due to pain.

·         Fives; Is just straight up amazing. He makes everything so much better. If you get bad news or treatment isn’t responding or you’re having a bad pain day, he’ll always be there to cheer you up. He’ll make you whatever food you want, you’ll watch whatever you want and he’ll bring you some flowers or a teddy. He’d bring you big obnoxious balloons if you were in the hospital, because he wants something big to show how much he loves you. He lets you sleep in one of his shirts, if you’re in hospital he brings a new one each day. If he has to push you in your chair he’s totally up for it. If he catches someone snickering in front in a queue, he may accidentally run over their feet. Woops.  At first, he’s nervous he’s going to trip and hurt you but that fear disappears. He’s gentle with you. Once when he found all the bruises on your arm he was worried that he’d hurt you, when you explain he’s equally worried and relieved he didn’t cause them. He will always buy you ridiculous plasters, so you end up with hello kitty plasters. He will help put your braces on, take them off and drive you anywhere you need to be. If you’re fatigued then he will nap with you. He He He gives the best hugs and kisses. Will take you to all your appointments and he is so proud of you for being so brave. He makes you feel so relaxed and helps your confidence.

[notaheromusic]

10 Year Reflection

Hey everyone, firstly I hope you’ve all had a lovely Christmas, crazy to see how the year has come and gone so quickly.

I’ve been told by quite a few friends that I need to acknowledge more positive things about myself that other people see that I’ve been blinded from seeing. I suppose it’s because after certain events that have happened these past 2 years, I’ve lost a considerable amount of my self confidence and it’s had a significant impact on my self esteem. I’ve accidentally conditioned myself to be overly modest and self deprecating – you can probably tell through the lyrics in my songs or a lot of the captions in my posts, it’s kind of a blessing and a curse. I love being honest and continually seek to find faults I can fix and improve but sometimes I’m too critical of myself.

I wanted to reflect on the past 10 years and write a little something, it won’t be everything but just some thoughts that come to mind as I’m writing this.  I’ll try and focus more on the positives x

2010 was the year where my life began shifting from studying Interactive Media at college to Architecture at uni. To be honest my undergrad experience was not all that great – although there was some fun times – I’ve felt like too much of an outcast and it just wasn’t my vibe. Back then I was still finding myself, music and some heartbreaks were a huge part of it. I was much younger and quite naive at times. It was 3 years of all nighters, stress and questioning whether it was worth it. I was careless with alcohol, I drank because I thought I had to like it was almost mandatory in all social gatherings otherwise I’d be frowned upon. I had several terribly ill experiences with it, after every night out I’d kept trying to convince myself I had a great time when in reality I started acting out of character and felt like shit. I wish I had the nerve to stop myself back then.

2012 was the birth of ‘Not a Hero’ and is where I started this journey :)

Graduated in 2013! Woop! Went to NYC, worked as an Architectural Assistant, had bit of a shitty boss at the time and I was so glad to have left that place. I travelled solo for the first time to Rome (be careful if you ever do this by the way! - always better to go with at least one other person)

Made one of the best decision of my life - moved to Nottingham in 2014 to study and ended up getting to know some of the most kindest, inspirational and creative souls I’ve ever known who I’m proud and lucky to have them as friends :) Had an overwhelmingly positive university experience, wrote a thesis on music venue closure, designed my own music venue/school and interviewed Jon Tolley from Banquet Records. Joined a songwriting society and played a few charity open mics.

Graduated again in 2016, moved back home and started working on my second EP ‘Fear of Falling’. Had an incredible time in San Francisco, L.A. and Yosemite. Made a bold decision to end a toxic friendship as well as to quit drinking – I could finally think clearly and be more present. Found work and properly begun my career in architecture. Travelled solo to Venice and Verona. Played live a few more times, filmed my second ever music video for the song ‘Dreamcatcher’. In 2018 I went to Slam Dunk festival for the first time whilst on my own but ended up making some new friends! Made friends with other creative individuals and like-minded music lovers – some of which I’ve first known online and eventually met in person. Crowd surfed for the first time – I know I’m super late in the game but was so worth the rush! Went to countless phenomenal shows. Became a qualified architect! Got into digital painting and absolutely loved it.

Shit happened and my mental health declined. I’ve spent almost the past 2 years on the mend, learning more about myself and opening up to people. Feel terrible for months, get better for a while but then fall into relapse. It was in early 2019 I decided to get help and am still trying to figure myself out. During that time I’ve worked on my 3rd EP ‘Ephemeral Hearts’ filmed two music videos, one with the talented Katja Macabre and another with my friend Chrissy. I’ve managed to tell a grounded story about loss and the importance of finding help for whatever you’re struggling with.

Now we’re here, at the very end of 2019 and about to enter 2020. It’s difficult to comprehend how an entire decade has gone by when it feels like such a short space of time. Not a Hero is almost 8 years old and I feel like I’ve achieved so much with my music, through the stories I’ve told through the songs I’ve written and the music videos I’ve created. I’m excited for 2020 and the next 10 years to come, luckily I’ve managed to at least make it to Christmas with a slowly healing mindset. I hope everyone has had an incredible 10 years and I’m sure you’ve all got great stories to tell.

[monomas-a-smug-bih]

🌼 (2/1) I say what's on my mind, like if i see a pretty girl i just come up to her and say that she's pretty. It became one of my habits. Oh and sometimes i talk to myself without noticing. I can get pretty stubborn and childish around my friends and i like to annoy them too :-) but they love me. And may i just say I AM OBSESSED WITH YOUR ACC LIKE MAN YOUR WRITING IS AWESOME I WISH I COULD GIVE THE CREDIT YOU AND THE OTHER AWESOME WRITERS DESERVE ❤ thats about it thank you have a great week ^_^

Awwww you sound so adorable and cool I love it!

your first ask was lost cuz my deadass slipped onto the post button in the middle of a story, so I deleted and copy pasted it at sonic speed so no one would see my mistakes. Slick I know.

did I say story? Yep i accidentally wrote one and got carried away when I thought of something, so there’s a little scenario thingy near the bottom?? Woops anyways I’m glad you enjoy my blog!

That’s why you got…… TODOROKI SHOUTO!!

•can definitely see the class getting you two to meet each other because you’ve got the same cold expressions half the time AND you read books. Like. You’re meant for eachother???

•introductions quite awkward but as long as you turn on that social butterfly switch I’m sure you’ll be fine.

•he gets all flustered because you’d probably bluntly state compliments about him. (Thanks to your habitsss)

•"Woah, your eyes are so pretty!“

“Your skins so fair!”

“Your quirks so amazing!”

•it genuinely confuses him, like how does he take a compliment when he never gets any???

•he doesn’t seem that approachable to most and can’t expect any from his father so why are you being so nice?

•you’ll get a little pink dusting his cheeks out of him at first and just get plenty of thank yous, maybe some back.

•when he realizes he’s crushing hard it takes all his will-power to NOT set his school bag on fire at these moments. He’s blushing or trying so hard not to and you’re killing him with kindness, literally.

•you’re literally the only person who can make him smile.

•like you approach him waving and he flashes you a small smile automatically.

•class A is fucking astonished?? Like what sorcery is this?

•since you like making people laugh and he looks like he’s never giggled in his life, you make it your mission.

•I can see him accidentally confessing fo sho.

•he comes over to study and you accidentally jab him in the side, did he just……giggle?

•go! This is your only opportunity to complete your mission!!! You run your fingers up and down making him let out a held back heavenly chuckle, it’s too small to satisfy you. You two end up on his bed, after pffts and him struggling to hold his breath, Shoutos full out laughing. You continue til your tired and he’s more than flustered, that was adorable.

•your in a more than awkward position, good going y/n

•your prob straddling and kinda just sitting there ontop of him woops. You start giggling gets louder and louder and you wipe your teary eyes, but when your about to get off. He exhales and lets out a quiet I love you.

•shit shit shit he fucked up his face goes beet red. He really wants to hurl himself into the sun.

•"s-sorry I didn’t mean for that t-”

•I think both you and me know what’s bout it go down , idk how this happened?

K my fingers are cramped from this. What have I done. So I hoped you liked?? And for losing your ask take this long ass scen matchup?

[oneweekoneband]

Okay, so now we're going to take a break from the music and talk about something that's a bit harder for me to do. In the introduction to this oneweekoneband, I mentioned how some of Khalid's life and his body of work directly relates to the hyper specific experiences of mine. One, is weirdly enough, this partiular part of the Location video, where he shows everyone how to pronounce his name.

I lived four hellish years in Saudi Arabia. In an airconditioned classroom there filled with the children of expats, we had one compulsory class a week where we had sit in total silence, hands folded on our laps while the Islamic studies teacher explained the word of god, and we were allowed to no questions. Four times a week, we also had Arabic class where the teacher, a Lebanese Christian that I once accidentally discovered didn't wear a bra when we bent down to correct my work (and therefore may have accidentally fueled my sexual awakening), basically let us fool around all we wanted while she taught us how to make the shape of Arabic letters in our mouths. There are two K sounds in that language, a guttural, low growling sound in the back of the throat and one higher "Kuh" that makes up Khalid.

In my class in Saudi, a favourite activity of the classmates was making fun of British accents. All these Pakistani, American, Palestinian and Egyptian kids would drop into exaggerated impersonations in the middle of lessons or breaktimes, and then laugh loudly amongst themselves like they'd made the funniest joke of the planet. When I moved back to India years later, I then discovered that a favourite joke among my new classmates was making fun of Arabic, especially the guttural "Kha" sound. I can't count the number of times someone would pretend to break into a wooping cough after saying they "knew Arabic", and then beam at me like they were the first ones to think of it. One day, I decided I wanted to start wearing the headscarf full time, and came to school wearing it. One of my friends, with a bright smile on her face said "You look like Osama Bin Laden's cousin".

I learned the hard way, after uprooting life in a terrifying, totalitarian country and coming to what should have been home, that Islamophobia is a very difficult thing to talk about. Prejudices like racism and sexism affect one easily definable group of people, prejudices like Islamophobia affect a huge variety of the population that have practically nothing in common with each other. The best way I can explain being Muslim in the developed world is like living life with a totally normal appearance except for a single, mostly hidden third eye. You can go through life perfectly fine most of the time, but sometimes that part of you still sticks out like a sore thumb, makes you live with the uncomfortable awareness that you'll never be considered entirely normal. Being Muslim is losing attendence at school because your family celebrates Eid twice a year, and having to politely refuse food during Ramadan and having confused looks directed your way. Being Muslim is when shopping is agony because all the shirts fit you but are too sheer these days and cracking jokes about being held up at security as you go on holidays. Being Muslim is hitting it off with someone and then having to hear them ask, with no maliciousness if Shia was the term for ISIS supporters. Being Muslim is being brilliant enough at eighteen to write  a hit and then having to explain how to pronounce your first name. It's an uncomfortable, ever present itch.

Because Muslims in media are so few and far in between, there are two profiles of two very different Muslim men that stand out to me when I talk about this. One is GQ's interview with Mahershala Ali, a Black man and the first Muslim to win as Oscar. The second is the New Yorker's profile of Sadiq Khan, Pakistani Brit who's the first Muslim to become the Mayor of London. Both are drastically different men, growing up in different environments with drastically different aims in life. Yet the one thing that keeps cropping up in their seperate pieces is the same uncomfortable, ever present itch, the awareness of knowing you're the only person of your kind in the spotlight and the burden of carrying that awareness. One journalist describes how Sadiq Khan becomes the unofficial ambassador of his faith almost everywhere he goes, and how he carefully moniters his speech and behaviour because he knows that for many its the first time they're meeting a Muslim. In the second piece, its the interviewer himself that notices how Ali gets stares and whispers in the restaurant they're dining at but not a single patron steps forward to speak to the Oscar winner, almost like they're carrying some internalised, prejudiced fear that stops them. Throughout it all both men are smiling, calm, and carefully charismatic, restraining themselves from ever showing how it affects them even when all of us know it shouldn't be happening.

When it comes to Khalid, who is very much a private individual as much as he's an artist, it's dangerous to project a single situation onto him. Like I said, Islamaphobia affects a huge variety of people, and that includes people who are only Muslim in name. And its always been much, much easier for people who aren't brown women. Maybe Khalid cares about his identity, but isn't particularly religious. Maybe he doesn't even believe in god. Some part of me feels stupid for even writing this post because he's never given any indication its even crossed his mind. But the other part of me thinks about how often he smiles and gives careful answers to questions, thinks about how he seems so much more than his eighteen years and wonders how he became that way. Whatever the truth is, I hope people don't try to erase the fact a Black Muslim wrote one of the best albums this year. And I'm proud of him. He's a complete stranger to me, but I look at a fellow Muslim and I am so, so proud of him. Listening to this album makes me want to produce art in a way that few songs can.