#I actually don’t have a lot of mutuals with like public ocs | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

causeilikelix · 2 years

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'Cause I Like You - Chapter 6 - Leather Pants Fuck Him Up (NSFW)

↳ Pairing: Felix x OC / Hyunjin x OC (later)

↳ Genre: Romance, comedy, smut (eventual), slow burn, enemies (idiots) to friends (idiots) to lovers (probably still idiots), high school au, college au, non-idol au

↳ See Chapter One for summery

↳ Chapter warnings: some of the WORST POV switching I've ever done in my life, pervy Jisung, pervy Felix (like 10/10 perv here), male masturbation, imaginary handjob, slight dirty talk, semi-public sexual acts (in an empty bathroom)… I think that's everything?

↳ Read on my A03: Here

↳ Notes: Our First NSFW chapter!!! It's also a little shorter than the other chapters… Anyway, enjoy!

< Chapter Five - Chapter Seven >

EUNBYEOL’S HEART WAS in her throat and she worried that the contents of her stomach would be, too, at this rate. She never threw up when she was nervous, but today had the potential to change her streak. Eunbyeol’s parents forced her to have a little breakfast that morning, despite her constant protesting. Her stomach churned and protested every bite so her parents finally had mercy after a few bites. A deal that she made with her parents raised the stakes considerably so she knew she had to do well. Losing was simply not an option.

She sat in the dressing room behind the school theatre staring at herself in the mirror. Ah Joong made Eunbyeol promise months ago to let her do her hair and makeup, so now Ah Joong stood behind her with a straightener in her hands. Eunbyeol thought she did her own makeup just fine, but Ah Joong worked magic and Eunbyeol wondered if she’d ever look this good again. Her eyes were done with a dramatic smokey eye with golden undertones and her lips were a deep red. She had no idea what Ah Joong had planned for her hair, but she trusted her friend.

“Are you ready?” Jiho leaned over to whisper to Eunbyeol.

“I suppose.” She swallowed thickly, reaching for her water bottle and drinking through the straw Ah Joong provided. “I don’t have a choice now.”

“Nervous?”

“I never get nervous before dancing, so I don’t know why I’m so nervous right now.” Eunbyeol admitted.

“I mean, there’s a lot on your shoulders.” Ah Joong reminded her, as if she needed reminding at all. “Plus your boyfriend is in the crowd and you want to do well for him, right?”

“He’s not my boyfriend!” Eunbyeol exclaimed, her face flushing at the very thought of the boy sitting out in the crowd for her.

“I’m not sure I understand the arrangement you guys have.” Gayeong pulled up a chair next to Eunbyeol to work on her own makeup.

“Um, well... we have exclusive mutual feelings but not an exclusive relationship. He’s moving away for college, so he doesn’t want to get into a relationship now just to break up down the line.” Eunbyeol explained the best she could.

Eunbyeol hadn’t exactly understood Younghyun when he first explained his predicament. When he pulled her somewhere private all those weeks ago and told her that he couldn’t keep his feelings to himself anymore. He said he had feelings for her and that he had to tell her before it was too late. Younghyun explained that he had a scholarship to play hockey at a university in Canada and that he wanted to go, but he didn’t want to leave without telling her. Eunbyeol couldn’t believe her ears, but asked him what he wanted to do about it. He asked if she would be willing to date him without any labels so they could enjoy his last few months in Korea.

That meant that Younghyun took Eunbyeol on dates, kissed her whenever he wanted, and treated her like a girlfriend but without the actual label. On one hand, it worried her that he might be seeing other girls like this, too, but on the other it didn’t matter because he would be leaving in the middle of the summer anyway. As long as Eunbyeol knew him, Younghyun only had one or two girlfriends and he always treated them well. Besides, from the things he whispered to her the other night as he taught her some brand new things that her body could do, Eunbyeol had a feeling that she didn’t have anything to worry about.

“I still don’t get it, but whatever. You can explain better tonight at the party.” Gayeong grinned. “Ah Joong-ah, you’re sure your parents don’t mind us using the apartment?”

“Please, we barely use it in the winter. My parents don’t even think about that apartment until June.” Ah Joong waved the thought away.

“I still can’t believe your parents rent out an apartment in Gangnam and they only use it a few months out of the year.” Minjeong shook her head, finally speaking up from her place on the floor crouched over her own mirror. “Talk about being loaded.”

“Honestly, I think they should just get rid of it but my mom likes it.” Ah Joong sighed. “On the bright side, that means that I get to throw the best afterparty ever! I talked my brother into buying us some soju, so we’ll have some drinks, too.”

“Did you get any peach flavored soju? I can barely stomach the regular stuff.” Minjeong’s face distorted into disgust.

“Obviously. He got mostly flavored soju so we’re all set.”

“Should I stop and get some snacks after?” Eunbyeol spoke up. “Or are we going to order food?”

“I went shopping after school yesterday for snacks, but we’re definitely ordering pizza. I’ve been on a diet since January to get in shape for this, but I need some carbs as soon as possible.”

“Hopefully I’ll have an appetite by then.”

“Look, I think that the second the song ends you’ll be so hungry that you’d eat a horse.” Ah Joong patted Eunbyeol’s shoulder reassuringly. “Now hold still, I’m almost done making you look like a fucking goddess.”

Ah Joong pulled her lip between her teeth as she worked on Eunbyeol’s hair. The warmth of the straightener nearly scorched her scalp, but Ah Joong twisted it skillfully and slowly ran it down the strand of hair. Rather than just letting it hang, Ah Joong weaved magic and body into her hair by putting waves in it. Since December Eunbyeol’s hair had a chance to grow a little to about shoulder-blade length. She kept it that length, deciding not to grow it out completely yet. The dance the girls decided to learn for the talent show had tons of hair flips so Eunbyeol knew she needed a decent length but the short style grew on her. After they made a music video, Eunbyeol wanted to cut her hair again. Despite her hair being a little longer, Eunbyeol was proud to say that Felix’s habit of pulling it had been broken.

While Ah Joong worked, a soft knock came from the dressing room door. All the girls looked up when a male voice from outside called for Jiho. The girl in question raised an eyebrow and called back for them to hold on. Eunbyeol watched through the mirror as Jiho rose to her feet and cracked the door open.

None other than Han Jisung stood in the hall outside with his eyes politely averted, waiting for Jiho to acknowledge him.

“What are you doing here?” Jiho rasped, just quiet enough that the other girls couldn’t hear. “We shouldn’t be talking right now.”

“Jiho-yah, it’s not like we’re on a super secret mission or anything, I just had a question for you about the science quiz. Will you come out here?” Jisung responded loudly, his voice filling the room. Jiho glared at him. Jisund wasted no time in grasping her wrist and pulling her out into the hall. The dressing room door slid shut behind them, leaving the other girls in the metaphorical dark. Jisung pulled Jiho down the hallway until they stood far enough away from the door, on the off chance that the others could hear them.

“What do you want?” Jiho was cut off by the quick press of Jisung’s lips onto hers. She sighed into it for a moment before pushing him off. “Hey! What if someone sees?”

“What can I say? I find it hot to be conspiring with the enemy.” Jisung grinned, sliding his hands around her waist. “You look incredible in this outfit, by the way.”

“Do you really have something to ask, or did you just come back here to make out with me?” Jiho rolled her eyes but draped her arms around Jisung’s shoulders anyway.

“Um, a little of both? Do any of the girls know anything about the plan later?”

“Well, Eunbyeol doesn’t, if that’s what you’re asking. I don’t think the others know either.”

“Obviously. I’m surprised Ah Joong even agreed to this. You’re sure that Eunbyeol has no idea?”

“Jisung-ah, you know I’m good at keeping secrets.” Jiho gave him a sly grin, leaning in to kiss him.

“Mm, that’s true.” Jisung grinned into the kiss, allowing himself to get lost in it for a few seconds. “Jagiya, you look way too hot in this outfit so we’re gonna have to stop here. But... we’re definitely picking this back up later tonight, yeah?”

“You really want to?” Jiho raised an eyebrow at him.

“Of course I do. I want to show my beautiful girlfriend just how gorgeous I think she is.” Jisung smiled innocently, but Jiho knew his thoughts were anything but innocent.

“Maybe. We’ll have to see what happens. Now, you need to go. The show is about to start and you’re not supposed to be back here until intermission.” Jiho finally released him and Jisung regretfully pulled away.

“Alright. I’ll see you later, Jagiya.” Jisung grinned, watching her as she made her way down the hall to the dressing room.

Once she slipped back inside, Jisung shoved his hands in the pockets of his jeans and made his way through the confusing maze of hallways towards the main auditorium. He kept a careful eye out, making sure that no one saw him slip into the room. The auditorium seats were packed with people but Jisung knew where his seat was. Those who were in the second half of the talent show were allowed to sit in the back of the auditorium while they waited for their turn. They were allowed in the dressing rooms that morning to get ready before they had to let the groups in the first act take over. With all the money their school had, Jisung found it hard to believe that they didn’t have enough money to build a decent auditorium with a big enough backstage where everyone could wait their turn.

On the other hand, Jisung didn’t mind this arrangement. Jiho hadn’t been able to tell him anything about the performance that she’d been working on so diligently. He knew she had loyalty to Eunbyeol and he didn’t want to betray that trust just because his best friend had a rivalry with his girlfriend’s best friend. Jisung didn’t like being caught between a rock and a hard place when it came to his girlfriend and his best friend. He and Jiho had only been dating for a few weeks, but they decided to keep it quiet until after the talent show. They didn’t need their respective best friends to be worried about who to trust on top of everything else.

Jisung had no idea why Eunbyeol and Felix seemed to hate each other so much, but the last year had been one hell of a roller coaster. Felix made an incredible first impression with his bright personality and interesting stories. Before Felix, Jisung had never met anyone from Australia before. Felix’s Korean hadn’t been great when they first met, but with Jisung and Seungmin’s help he’d improved drastically in the last several months. However, despite the good impression Felix showed Jisung, he must have shown Eunbyeol a terrible one. She hated him from day one and for the life of him, Jisung couldn’t figure out why. If Felix knew, he didn’t clue anyone in.

Jisung finally slid into his seat between Felix and Jeongin. Neither of them paid him any attention as he sunk back into his chair. He never liked the cheap seats in the auditorium but luckily he only had to sit here for one half of the show. Jeongin played around on his phone while Felix and Seungmin talked between themselves. They shared a program for the show between them and they pointed at different acts they were looking forward to. A quick glance at the paper made Jisung groan. Jiho and Eunbyeol’s group would be going last. He wasn’t sure he could wait that long.

“Oh, you’re back?” Jeongin glanced up, just noticing his hyung’s return. “Where’d you go?”

“Bathroom.”

“You were gone forever. They just flashed the lights, so they’ll be getting started soon.”

“This is nerve-wrecking.” Jisung muttered. “How do you think the girls will do?”

“I dunno. I don’t really think it matters.”

“No? I mean, they’re our biggest threat, right?”

“Sure, but I’m confident that Felix-hyung made something better than Eunbyeol-noona. Like, I know she’s good and all but Felix has a unique technique that I think is a little cleaner.”

“Jisung-ah.” At the sound of his name, Felix leaned over and showed his friend the program. “Look, Jinyoung is going to be doing a stand up routine! I wonder what he’s going to talk about.”

“Honestly, I’d be okay losing to him.” Jisung admitted with a grin. “He’s hilarious.”

“It depends. I may have given him some material the other day in the music room.” Felix winced.

“You were doing those stupid Fortnite dances, weren’t you?”

“I’m choosing not to answer that.”

“Are you nervous?” Jisung grinned.

“No, I’m not nervous. I’m mostly annoyed that they threw us in the middle of the second act. I wish they would have us go first or last.”

“Being in the middle is never good, but that just means we have to focus and give it our all.” Jisung tried to convince both Felix and himself. After seeing Jiho in that outfit, he worried for his sanity.

The lights in the auditorium blinked again, alerting the crowd that there were five minutes left until the show started. More students and various family members filed into the auditorium looking for seats. Felix watched the steady lines of people, searching for people he knew. He recognized a few people from his class and a couple others from the music club. The only person who could make his heart race in his chest or get him even remotely excited currently sat backstage waiting for her turn. Felix hated the idea that Eunbyeol could even affect him at all. Just as he started to lose interest in the people around him, Younghyun sunbae and a group of his friends slid into the row in front of him and sat down. Despite the deafening chatter in the auditorium, Felix could hear them clear as day.

“Honestly, asking her out was the best thing I could have done.” Younghyun grinned at his friend, Jaehyung.

“Clearly. You won’t shut up about it.” Jaehyung rolled his eyes. “Don’t you need to be focusing on hockey right now?”

“I mean, yeah. But the whole point of me confessing was to make the most of every moment. I don’t want to graduate with any regrets.”

“And are you? Making the most of every moment?” Jaehyung nudged Younghyun suggestively.

“You have no idea.” Younghyun laughed. “You’ll just have to wait and see some of the moves I taught her last weekend.”

“Ooh. Do I get a turn... or?”

“Don’t be gross! Look, the hottest girl in school is about to be up on stage dancing for me so I want to focus on her. But I will tell you this... \” Younghyun grinned before leaning in to whisper something in Jaehyung’s ear. Felix strained to hear, but the murmur of the crowd overpowered all other noise.

“No way!” Jaehyung gasped, shoving Younghyun away instinctively. “You’re kidding. When?”

“Last weekend. Oh, I’ll tell you all about it later.” Younghyun promised as the lights in the auditorium slowly faded out.

The cheers from the crowd were deafening and Felix’s ears rang immediately. However, he joined in with the cheering when the MC, their music teacher, walked onto the stage to start the show.

The talent show dragged on fairly smoothly. Some kids put on a magic show, others danced to a cute girl group song, and a few others put on a collection of Shakespeare monologues. Felix kept one eye on the program, counting down the performanced until Eunbyeol graced the stage. After the last several months of talking big and provoking her to no end, all the hot air released from him like a balloon after realizing what he truly thought about Eunbyeol. The leak began when he kissed her on the stairwell and the balloon popped when he saw her kiss someone else. The thought of her with someone else, with Younghyun, made his blood boil.

While Felix wanted to win this talent show, he wanted something else just a little bit more. He could almost imagine the smile on her face that he would see if she won first place. She would smile proudly and her entire face would light up. Her eyes would shine and sparkle in the stage lighting and she would look like an angel. The first place trophy would look really nice on the bookshelf in his room, but Eunbyeol’s smile would look better right in front of him.

A couple more acts came and went. Nothing terribly impressive, but Jinyoung’s stand up routine had him doubled over from laughing too hard. His ribs hurt and tears leaked from his eyes when Jinyoung told the joke about the stand-off he had with the gym teacher over the last cupcake in the bakery. Felix had a feeling that this wouldn’t be Jinyoung’s last gig. Jinyoung had him laughing so hard that for a moment, Felix forgot who was coming next. His bit went on for around ten minutes. The program sat in his lap, forgotten. The crowd groaned in protest when Jinyoung announced that his set was over and he had to make room for the next act. He bowed dramatically and left the stage. The MC replaced him, wiping away tears from laughing too hard.

“As usual, it was an absolute pleasure to hear from our senior class Park Jinyoung!” The crowd cheered in response. “Next we will be hearing from another school favorite! This young lady brought our dance team a lot of pride last year when she won first place at the regional competition! Now, she and her team are back with a fabulous cover of Everglow’s ‘La Di Da’! I have some insider information that tells me that some of this routine is her original choreography! So please, join me in welcoming to the stage, Starlost!”

The lights went dark and Felix swallowed the lump in his throat. His thighs clenched and he suddenly couldn’t find a position to sit comfortably. Felix’s hands tightened into fists. He took a few steady deep breaths as he waited for the performance to begin. The auditorium remained dark for a few long seconds as the girls made their way to the stage.

Finally, the lights turned on to a dark blue that showed the girls in silhouette in a formation where they formed a circle with their arms around one girl in the center. The music turned on. A steady beat filled the air, simple yet dramatic and bold. In complete silhouette, the girls on stage moved and manipulated their bodies to create different dramatic shapes for a few counts before making their way into a line and falling easily into a series of moves that had the entire crowd mesmerized. The six girls were in complete sync as they swayed and rolled to the music. In this light, he couldn’t tell which girl was Eunbyeol but each girl moved with trained precision. Felix recognized the choreography as original immediately and his jaw dropped at the technique and skill behind it. He had no idea that she had that in her.

As the intro faded out, the girls posed as the lights faded to black. Moments later, the lights snapped back on to show the girls in a series of strange looking-poses. Some stood while others, Eunbyeol included, were posed in unique shapes on the ground. Eunbyeol laid partly on her stomach with both of her legs raised in the air behind her. They stared out into the crowd with intense gazes and Felix’s stomach dropped into his feet. The song began and the girls went to their first position to begin the routine with Cha Eunbyeol taking front and center for the first verse and kneeling on one knee. Next, she extended her leg out under the one she kneeled on, finding her way onto the floor effortlessly. Felix’s throat closed as he watched her perform the floorwork. The other kids all cheered at her movements but Felix couldn’t make any noise.

Cha Eunbyeol looked like nothing he’d ever seen before. Her dramatic eye makeup looked professional, with a dark smokey eye done with tasteful golds and purples. Her slightly parted lips were a deep shade of wine red and Felix wanted to get drunk on them. Eunbyeol’s long legs were clad in black leather leggings that accentuated all of her curves. She wore a long-sleeve transparent black mesh top and a dark purple crop top over it to cover just what was needed. She looked properly grown up, mature, and sexy. The other girls wore similar outfits composed of leather, purple, and mesh but Felix couldn’t see them.

Something within him shifted just as the girls shifted into the first chorus. He’d never gotten tunnel vision before, but he could imagine that it felt something like this. The entire world faded out until the only people in the room were him and Eunbyeol. She moved expertly to the music with idol-like precision and skill he never could have imagined from her. The dance had modern sharp moves and smooth sexy moves and she embodied each one perfectly. For years she’d been the innocent girl-next-door with her uniform pleated skirts and knee-high socks and Felix had no idea that she could do something like this. Jisung and the others were constantly reminding him that Eunbyeol was a force to be reckoned with and for the first time, he believed them. She had the talent to run them all into the floor. Felix hadn’t believed them, but as he watched her now he knew the others were right to be worried.

Felix tried to cross his legs but found that it was impossible to do so. Something heavy and rock hard sat between his thighs and for the first time he realized the full extent of Eunbyeol’s hold on him. He swallowed thickly as the girls reached the second chorus. He barely registered the routine outside of Eunbyeol’s fluid movements. A particularly sensual roll of her hips sent a new wave of desire through him. He gripped the arm rests of his chair tightly, digging his nails into the cheap abrasive fabric. Eunbyeol’s voluptuous gaze locked onto someone in the crowd as she started into the dance break and Felix’s thighs tensed for a moment, wondering if she was looking at him. It didn’t take him long to realize that she’d locked onto Younghyun.

Her gaze didn’t last long as the dance break took over her. Eunbyeol moved to the front and let her body take over as she put everything she had into the dance. She danced gracefully yet powerfully, rolling her neck and tossing her short hair around and lowering to the floor. She leaned back, lifting a leather-clad leg into the air and dropping her head back to look at the audience upside-down. Another rush of warmth plunged through Felix’s stomach and the rigid length in his lap throbbed from lack of friction. He pulled a lip between his teeth and bit down, hoping any amount of pain would help distract him from his growing need. If anything it only fueled him on, instead imagining Eunbyeol’s teeth sinking into his lip as she ran her hands up his thighs.

Where the hell is this coming from?

Felix didn’t necessarily think of her this way. At least, these feelings had never been quite so overt. He couldn’t say with confidence that he didn’t think of pulling her hair and the noises that might result in order to get off at night. However, watching her dance like this stirred something up inside him and he couldn’t help the hot flush sneaking up his neck to the tips of his ears. His head rolled back against the chair and he let out a breathless sigh. She'd never affected him quite so violently before.

Eunbyeol and the girls transitioned easily into the final chorus. Felix released an audible groan, glad that this medley of pain and pleasure would soon be over. Eunbyeol looked positively delectable and he wanted her to eat him alive. Her dark eyes and parted lips drew him in and he hoped that she sensed the growing magnetic pull between them. Just like before in the classroom, he found himself drawn to her like a moth to the flame. Last time he’d given into it and gone after her after seeing that pink umbrella on the floor of her locker. He wasn’t sure if he had the strength to ignore the desire in the pit of his stomach.

Finally, after around four minutes of torture, the girls came to a stop in their final position and stared cooly into the crowd. The room erupted into cheers with nearly everyone leaping to their feet to applaud. Jeongin, Seungmin, and Jisung all jumped to their feet but Felix remained in his seat for a few long seconds before pressing down on the armrests for leverage. His legs were as heavy as lead and his pants were way too tight. Felix clapped mostly out of obligation. He didn’t want to outwardly admit that Eunbyeol had thoroughly impressed him with her impeccable skills.

“Bro, are you good?” Jisung glanced over to check on Felix.

“I... what?” Felix stuttered, his eyes following Eunbyeol as she made her way off stage with one of the most beautiful smiles he’d ever seen plastered on her face.

“Are you okay? You don’t look so hot.”

“I could say the same about you.” Felix tried to joke, noticing that Jisung’s cheeks were just as flushed as his. “I... um... I’ll be right back. I’ll see you backstage in a minute.”

“Wha... where are you going?” Jisung watched as Felix inched down the row, carefully stepping over people who were slowly starting to sit back down. Felix didn’t have the brain power to answer him. All the blood rushed somewhere else.

Felix knew the MC would need to say a few words before releasing the crowd for intermission. Knowing their music teacher this would give Felix a decent head start. He burst out of the auditorium, blinking in the bright light streaming into the lobby. He could barely walk straight but he managed to make his way to the mens bathroom on the second floor. With luck, this bathroom would have less traffic than the one downstairs. He pushed in and made his way down the row of stalls, checking carefully to see if any were occupied. Thankfully, the bathroom was empty.

He dipped into the stall the farthest from the door and locked it behind him. He took a heaving breath, suddenly unsure of what to do next. Could he really go through with this? It was wrong and... dirty to do such a thing here. He leaned against the tile wall and closed his eyes. A memory of Eunbyeol on stage rolling her hips to the music flashed through his head against his will. The material of his jeans tightened against his thighs and he groaned. It wouldn’t be the first time he’d touched himself to the thought of her, but for some reason this time made him feel strange.

Before he transferred to this school, he didn’t know that rage boners were a real thing but something about Eunbyeol elicited these sorts of things from him effortlessly. Since he realized he liked her properly, it was somehow easier to feel this way about her. She made him crave her effortlessly with every small movement, like running her hands through her hair, sighing when she came across a difficult test question, or drinking from her water bottle. This... this was on a completely different level.

Felix knew he didn’t have a lot of time. His jaw clenched as he flipped open the button and pulled the zipper down on his black jeans. He sighed with relief at the release of some of the tension. Deciding not to hesitate anymore, Felix slipped his hand under the band of his briefs to grip his rock hard cock. A few drops of precum had already leaked from his tip and he used his thumb to spread it down his length. He tightened his grip and groaned, starting at a painfully slow pace. His breathing instantly went ragged as he lost all control of his thoughts.

He squeezed his eyes shut, remembering how Eunbyeol had expertly moved her body just moments before. He moaned lowly, thinking about how she swayed her hips to the beat. He thought about her hooded eyes and dark red lips that belonged on him. He thought about the sultry looks she offered the crowd and while he knew they were for someone else, he imagined they were all for him. Felix’s breath hitched with sudden pleasure when he thought about how her body looked in that outfit. After all this time, he could see her without that school uniform which he now saw didn’t do her curves any justice.

More precum leaked from his tip and he rocked his hand faster. His head fell back against the wall and he let out a low moan, careful to stay quiet in case anyone came in. He imagined running his hand through her silky hair and grabbing a handful. He remembered how soft it had been under his touch and he sighed at the thought. His free hand clenched around nothing and his next groan came more from frustration. He wished the pleasure coursing through his veins was because of Eunbyeol between his legs and not his own hand.

“Fuck...” He muttered through gritted teeth.

Felix imagined Eunbyeol’s soft hands in place of his. He pretended she knelt before him with her hands wrapped around his length while pumping him carefully. He imagined her looking up at him through her eyelashes, letting her innocence shine through. Something in his stomach pulled taut and his breath caught in his throat. The pressure within him began to rise and he knew he was finally getting close. He wished she would use those tantalizing lips on his length. He wanted to know what her mouth would feel like on him. Felix knew that her tongue would feel infinitely better than his hand.

“Please.”

The word breathlessly escaped him as he imagined Eunbyeol slowly rising to her feet, but keeping her rhythm on his length the same. Felix imagined being able to reach up and slide his hands into her hair and pull her close. He wanted to bury his face in the crook of her neck and breathe in her warm scent. He moaned deeply, giving his head particular attention as he worked himself closer and closer to his release. His legs trembled and rolled his hips up into his hand. In his imagination, Eunbyeol leaned closer to whisper in his ear.

“You really want me this bad, huh, Felix?”

“Yes...” He choked. “So bad...”

The Eunbyeol in his head leaned in and a new memory flashed behind his eyes. He remembered the way her lips melded effortlessly against his and the small gasps she let out as he kissed her. He remembered holding her close and focusing on memorizing the way their mouths fit together. He thought about one particularly firm press of her lips on his, as if she couldn’t get enough of him either. At this, Felix let out a choked moan almost like a sob, his release finally taking over him and covering his hand in white. His legs trembled violently and he worried that he might collapse. He stroked himself slowly and languidly, drawing out his orgasm as he thought about kissing the prettiest girl in the entire school. All of her sexy dancing and that sexy outfit and the thing that got him off was simply the ethereal feeling of her lips on his.

Felix finally slowed to a stop and grabbed some toilet paper to clean himself off. He carefully dabbed himself clean before tucking himself back into his pants and redoing the button and zipper. Once he finished, he tossed it all in the toilet and flushed the evidence away. He unlocked the stall and made his way to the sink to wash his hands properly. As he ran his hands under the warm water, the sound of the crowd from downstairs filled his ears. The MC must have released them into intermission. Felix had to get downstairs and backstage without running into Eunbyeol somehow and he wondered how he could ever face her. Maybe it hadn’t been the first time he’d thought of her to get off, but it was the first time she’d been deliberately sexy in front of him.

He made his way out of the bathroom and back downstairs just in time for a group of boys to pass him on their way up. Felix kept his eyes on the ground and made his way towards the stage door. He forced himself to breathe slowly as he pushed his way through the crowd. He glanced up just enough to see Jisung waiting for him by the door.

“Are you okay, man? You really had me worried there for a second.” Jisung draped an arm around Felix’s shoulders and he was glad for the physical reassurance.

“I’m fine.” Felix managed through his tight throat. “Are the girls still back there?”

“You mean Eunbyeol and the others? No, they’re sitting down already.” Jisung gestured towards the auditorium.

“Good. Let’s go.”

Felix and Jisung slipped backstage and navigated their way to the men's dressing room where Jeongin and Seungmin waited patiently. Their hair and makeup were mostly done so they worked on last minute touches. Felix ran a hand through his hair, peering in the mirror to make sure he didn’t look overly fucked out. He blinked the hooded darkness out of his eyes and sat down hard on one of the couches to wait for their call to the stage.

The other boys watched him curiously, glancing between each other and challenging each other to ask. After a quick game of rock paper scissors, a reluctant Seungmin found a perch next to Felix on the couch.

“Hey... buddy.” Seungmin chuckled awkwardly, landing a soft punch on Felix’s shoulder. “Are you nervous? Now you see what we were talking about when it came to Eunbyeol, right?”

“Right.” Felix averted his gaze at the sound of her name, ignoring the pull in his abdomen. “I see why you’re worried. But at the end of the day, one of us is going to win and at this point I don’t really care who it is.”

“Really? You’re really saying that you don’t care who wins?” Seungmin gaped at him. “Guess she did scare you.”

“I’m not scared of her.” Felix insisted. “I know she’s good at what she does. I mean, really good. I’m not one to deny that, but we’re good, too. So in the end, I know whoever wins will deserve it.”

“Okay, who the fuck are you? Where did Felix go?” Seungmin made a big show of checking under the couch and around the room. Felix rolled his eyes. “Look, all I’m saying is that we’re all talented. After seeing that, I don’t have the confidence to say definitively who’s going to win.”

“You’re fucking insane. What the hell happened to you?” Seungmin shook his head.

“What? I’m just being realistic.”

“Christ, you’re whipped aren’t you?”

“Excuse me?” Felix blinked in surprise.

“Just forget it. You’ve got to get your head in the game. Right now you can’t afford to think about anything or anyone else.” Seungmin emphasized and Felix didn’t like what he insinuated.

“Seungmin-ah. I know we’re going to do a good job. I’m not worried about that.” Felix insisted. “Unless you are? Do you want to go over it again?”

“God no! After tonight, I never want to do this stupid routine ever again. Ateez is really hard and I’m never doing a dance by them ever again.” Seungmin winced.

“Fair enough.” Felix agreed, his muscles already aching at the thought of the rigorous choreography ahead of him. His legs still shook from his activities in the bathroom only minutes before. He wondered if the guys could tell what he’d done.

“You look tired.” Seungmin decided. “Why don’t you close your eyes for a few minutes before we have to start actually paying attention.”

“I... think I will.” Felix shifted deeper into the couch, somehow just now noticing the uncomfortable beam under the cushions. He could only imagine how long this couch had been here.

Seungmin patted Felix’s knee reassuringly before making his way back to the wall of makeup mirrors to finish touching up. Jisung and Jeongin welcomed him into their circle where they spoke in hushed tones. Felix ignored them, opting to lean back and close his eyes. He crossed his legs firmly, just to be sure. He would have loved to even flirt with the idea of unconsciousness, but unfortunately for him unconsciousness wasn’t interested. Flashes of memories of her played behind his eyelids and he swallowed them down one by one, instead trying to think about the dance ahead of him. Hitting all of his moves and being on time with his entrances needed to take precedence over his horny thoughts. He had to give it to them. His friends were right to worry about his state of mind.

Before he knew it, a stage crew member called over the speakers that Felix and his group were on call. The boys gathered themselves, looking into the mirrors for one last check. Felix was glad to see that his face showed no evidence of his earlier exertions. Together with his friends, he made his way out of the dressing room and down the hall to the stage. As the staff gestured for them to move backstage, the boys were immediately plunged into darkness and Felix blinked a few times to get his eyes adjusted.

One of the senior girls from the music club belted out an Ailee song that was nearing its end. Without thinking, Felix reached blindly for one of his friends and his fingers curled around Jisung’s forearm. Jisung patted his hand reassuringly, stepping closer in case Felix needed to lean on him. As much as he wanted to hang onto his friend, Felix kept his weight to himself.

Cha Eunbyeol didn’t scare him.

Felix swallowed thickly and tried it again.

I am not scared of Cha Eunbyeol.

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crimson-mayhem-archive · 2 years

Text

【30 Questions of CP, OC & Fandom】

[ credits to ⇨ @mukami-kuron-mrsadisticcat || whin: IMMA HOP IN AND BE COOL LIKE EVERYONE ELSE 💃]

1.How long have you been in this fandom?

not that long, actually! while i’ve known about the series since like?? middle school?? I never actually started participating in the fandom space until around October of 2021! and even now i’m still like? tip toeing around bc im scared.

2. Who's your fictional boyfriend/husband?

I’ll be so honest with y’all rn. I don’t actually have a DL character that I like that much— I really just kinda cycle through them in terms of how much I like them. As of right now though?? Probably Ruki or Richter. (lol bitches with R names)

3. Why do you like them?

richter?? well I actually hated his guts more than any other character until recently. idk what changed to be perfectly honest with you. just kinda woke up one day and was like “mmm i’ll give him a chance.” i do like the potential for angsty scenarios though!

as for ruki, he’s also one i wasnt fanning over until recently. i didn’t hate him ofc, but the only content of him i really indulged in on up until now was the anime. and when i saw him in the show i was like “okay” then moved on. after reading his routes though? i started to like him a lot more 😞 and ofc Jas ( @ruki--mukami ) has a flawless portrayal of him that i feel in love with so 💃

4. Have you make acquaintance with anyone that ships themselves with the same character?

I have no idea if they ship themselves with the characters I listed, or if they’re just one of their favourites. But Ava ( @fruit-of-infidelity ) and Jas ( @ruki--mukami ) are two people i’m fortunate enough to be mutuals with :’).

5. How do you feel about it?

i feel pretty great about it actually. it’s nice to find people who have the same amount of love for a character that you do 💃

6. Do you feel any negativity towards them?

ofc not!

7. Do you like seeing their oc(s) interact with your man/woman?

honestly yeah. seeing different characters combinations go in different directions is always a treat! i really enjoy scrolling through the threads.

8. Do you feel competitive against them?

yeah for sure we’re battling in a boxing ring rn 🤼‍♂️

i’m joking but no i don’t feel competitive at all!!

9. Confident, or pessimistic?

both at different times. and while i wouldn’t say i’m pessimistic, most of the time i’m definitely not confident.

10. Would you like more to get to know about your ship, or would you rather it being lowkey?

as for a ship with myself? i don’t post much selfship content (even though i do have a blog for it). but i wouldn’t really mind whether people know abt it or not!

as for a ship with my oc(s)— Virek is relatively new. so i haven’t developed deep enough relationships to have a solid ship with him yet. HOWEVER! gwen, my old oc, had a few ships that i adored.

the top to being Ryuwen ( @fruit-of-infidelity ) and Myswen ( @mino-diabolik) ((did we ever come up with a ship name for them?? idk 🏃💨))

the dynamics in those two ships were to die for honestly. vv enjoyable! but i also can’t wait to build up relationships with this character as well 💃

11. Do you follow any of those people (them whom ship themselves with your fictional lover)

well aside from those already tagged, no.

12. Are you friends with them?

i’d like to say yes, even though we don’t talk very much outside of Tumblr T-T. I do adore them though ^^ so hopefully we can talk more.

13. What do you think about the 'stans' ?

i’m only a part of a tiny corner of the fandom. but the people around here are cool, so.

14. Are you worried about plagiarism or copying of your oc(s) by others?

lol, NO sjjsnd. i doubt someone would even try to copy my characters, given how complex and messy they tend to be

15. How do you handle such a situation if it happens?

i have no idea. so we’ll cross that road when we get there.

16. Is your cp public or only between a particular circle of friends?

generally all of them are public. but a lot of the relationship building with @simpemone ‘s characters are done in private. we do post a lot about our ocs publicly though— but if you’re wondering why those dynamics are much more developed than others jsns.

17. Do you like a specific cp ship, whats the reason? (I dare you to tag them~!)

i like a lot of ships actually, both with my own ocs and some ships my mutuals have with their’s!! i don’t have the guts to tag any of them though so 💃

18. What kind of behaviors do you suppose is pretentious to you?

i hope i don’t have any pretentious behaviours?? if i do and just don’t notice feel free to scream at me!!

as for others? ig the behaviour i hate most is ‘claiming’ a character for yourself. getting insanely jealous when they interact with others, things like that.

19. What kind of comments do you dislike the most when it comes cp feedbacks of your oc(s)?

i’ll accept any feedback about my oc as long as it isn’t malicious or obviously not meant to help and instead to complain.

20. Have you receive hates about your oc(s) before?

i haven’t!

21. Do you have a complete love story of your cp?

i don’t. but i, hopefully if i can find the energy, in the future hope to write routes for virek/a diaboy and virek/yui. or if i end up feeling too ambitious, have virek get his own route with each boy. but those are just plans that i don’t plan on executing for a while!

22. Do you allow joint of alternate universe with the canon version of your cp story?

well virek doesn’t have a canon story atm but ofc!!

23. Are you okay with people shipping their oc(s) with yours?

yes yes yes!! i adore it when people wanna ship their ocs with mine T-T

24. Ever gone through a bad experience in the fandom?

i havent been here for very long so no.

25. The ocs that you admire in this fandom are? (Tag them~)

all of @princesscrownprince ‘s OCs. Ryuuto ( @fruit-of-infidelity ) Scarlett ( @kindan-no-kanojo ) Sumire ( @sumire-bride ) literally all of @simpemone ‘s OCs. ALL OF @cursed--requiem ‘s OCs. Irina ( @iricathel ) Amani ( @ayamexe ) Simone ( @smonie )

26. What is the moment that caused you to feel most disappointed or excited?

disappointed?? i dont really have any specific moment where i feel disappointed. but it is annoying that a chunk of this fandom will not hesitate to jump down someone’s throat, instead of having civilised discussions.

the most excited? literally any blog that could be considered ‘popular’ or ‘big’ popping up in my notifs. like ik a few of my mutuals have bigger blogs, but when i first saw y’all in my notifs i was like “?!?!”

it catches me off guard knowing that some of the more popular blogs took a peek at my tiny lil corner and went “this? i like this.” LIKE Y’ALL SEE ME?

27. The scariest era that you have come across in the fandom?

see #26

28. The most wonderful thing you have come across in this fandom?

all the love i’ve received since being here. i’ve been fortunate enough to interact and talk with lot of wonderful people, and i hope we can talk more in the future. :’) (when i say i wanna befriend all of y’all i mean it. 🤼‍♂️)

29. Say something towards those that support and admire your cp~

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH. truly. its a blast knowing that even one person enjoys what i put out :’). so i really so appreciate everyone’s kinda words, the enthusiasm with your replies/comments. it’s a joy T-T

30. You've worked hard, keep up the good work! ★★★

AHHHH I FINALLY FINISHED IT. now i need a nap 😞 ALSO I AM SOOOOOOOOO SORRY FOR ALL OF THE RANDOM TAGS. FORGIVE ME 🏃

#diabolik lovers oc #dialovers oc #dl oc #dialovers #30 Questions

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phxntmhv · 2 years

Text

【30 Questions of CP, OC & Fandom★】　　

Credits to @mukami-kuron-mrsadisticcat

1.How long have you been in this fandom?

Since 2016, so this year I will celebrate 6 years loving traumatized vampires lol.

2. Who's your fictional boyfriend/husband?

K o u.

3. Why do you like them?

Oh no, you don't want me to start talking about him.

He’s my free therapy. (??)

I literally have an 11-page PDF in Spanish analyzing his character and explaining why I love him so much.

HE’S BLONDE OK I HAVE SOMETHING FOR BLONDIES-

I just don’t know how to explain AAAAAAAAAA.

Let’s just say that really adore his character construction, his looks, his voice and… Everything??

4. Have you make acquaintance with anyone that ships themselves with the same character?

Yep, it's actually less people than I expected when I’ve joined the fandom but I'm glad Kou has some recognition and "fans" in the real world, although I totally understand why he can't be a highly acclaimed character.

5. How do you feel about it?

I don’t care really, there was a time when I felt even more insecure about other ocs, but nowadays it doesn't really matter or affect me as long as no one messes with me. Also, I really must say that I love the creativity of the Muns!

6. Do you feel any negativity towards them?

Nope.

7. Do you like seeing their oc(s) interact with your man/woman?

It depends, I must admit that there are a lot of good characters even outside the ship with Kou. But since I consider myself a fan of well-constructed and readable stories, I wouldn't be able to couple MY tastes with all the ocs that are paired with him. However, my opinion should not be limiting or a hindrance for writers to do as they please, so I don't wish to offend anyone with this.

8. Do you feel competitive against them?

No. I consider their relationship as multiple universes.

9. Confident, or pessimistic?

It depends.

10. Would you like more to get to know about your ship, or would you rather it being lowkey?

A mix of both.

I like the ship and I wish I could bring more content from them more often, but I would like it to be understood that they are not the main couple of my story, they are actually quite secondary, and for that reason I would love to introduce the rest of my cast, but strangely I only have inspiration for KouRisu.

11. Do you follow any of those people (them whom ship themselves with your fictional lover)

Yes, and fortunately we’re mutuals. <3

12. Are you friends with them?

"Friends" is a strong word for me, but if I could define my relationship with them, it would be something a little less than that but a lot more than acquaintances/mutuals. I appreciate them and am fond of them but unfortunately, I have not been able to get close enough in and out of character.

13. What do you think about the 'stans' ?

Honestly, I'm not interested in Kou’s “fandom” outside of artistic or literary, so I haven't interacted with them much. I only associate with roleplayers or artists, so I can't really have a strong opinion on this.

14. Are you worried about plagiarism or copying of your oc(s) by others?

I don't think anyone would dare, I'm very perceptive about small details. And if it were to happen, I would expect cooperation and understanding in order to come to a reasonable conclusion.

15. How do you handle such a situation if it happens?

16. Is your cp public or only between a particular circle of friends?

Public.

17. Do you lock a specific cp ship, what’s the reason? (I dare you to tag them~!)

Not at all.

I mean, I love everyone’s effort but I REALLY like and support the ships of my closest friends: Dany x Ruki, Elly x Azusa, Artemis x Shuu, Ren x Subaru, Alastair x Finnie, Reiji x Seren

and OFC my babies that I didn’t introduce yet: Ayato x Opal (another of my selfinserts).

18. What kind of behaviors do you suppose is pretentious to you?

19. What kind of comments do you dislike the most when it comes cp feedbacks of your oc(s)?

I have not received any comments that bother me so far.

20. Have you receive hates about your oc(s) before?

No.

21. Do you have a complete love story of your cp?

Half of it.

22. Do you allow joint of alternate universe with the canon version of your cp story?

No:c

You can’t join Mirrored Fate or Neon Wonderland, sorry─

23. Are you okay with people shipping their oc(s) with yours?

YESSSSSS, OFC. I’M A BIG FAN OF THE OC X OC.

24. Ever gone through a bad experience in the fandom?

We don’t talk about Amino, nonono we don’t talk about Aminooo.

25. The ocs that you admire in this fandom are? (Tag them~)

@solarstellarstar @mukami-kuron-mrsadisticcat @yuriko-tsukino-rp @strawberry--bride @gingerall @secretarykang @sunny-flower-spot @retelling-of-ragnarok @lured-into-wonderland @kindan-no-kanojo @iricathel @crowtunezz @supersweetlyuniquebouquetstuff @dialoveryuukos @mino-diabolik @komori--shoma

And I probably forgetting others, so I'm sorry TT

If i didn't tag u but I follow you, know that I admire you too!! Akwkflqkw sorry I'm very forgetful

@eyelessdoll-y I don't know much about your ocs but YOU MAKE AMAZING ART AAA PLS FOLLOW HER 😭😭😭💕💕

I know I've said it multiple times, but I really admire the ability you have to hold on to your projects, not be afraid of your creativity outside the canon and get out of the margin in pretty surprising ways. ^^❤️

26. What is the moment that caused you to feel most disappointed or excited?

The asks-

I just look at them and I’m like “TF ARE YOU DOING??? WRITE SOMETHING U STUPID”

And then

“Shut up I’m on my mysme obsession /proceeds to draw anything but oc content”

27. The scariest era that you have come across in the fandom?

Diabolik Lovers’ Hispanic Amino- BRO I STILL HAVING TRAUMAS ABOUT IT

28. The most wonderful thing you have come across in this fandom?

I met the people I care about most in the world, even if they are far away or not from the same biological family, they give me the warmth and love I need since 2019. I could give anything for each of them and that's why I try to include them in the ocs projects I do.

And of course, I feel enormously privileged to meet more people with minds full of inspiration and love for their characters or projects, you guys really talented and I hope you all keep going with it! <3

29. Say something towards those that support and admire your cp~

GUYS IDK WHY YOU LIKE IT BUT THANK YOU

YALL SHOULD MARRY ME

Jk jk

30. You've worked hard, keep up the good work! ★★★

Thanks JJSAJJA

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shcherbatskya · 2 years

Note

i don't know anything abt ur ocs :( so tell me the basic get-to-know-you/rundown of everyone! (or at least the main ones!)

Omg so at this point NO one knows anything about them this is the first time ive talked about them since the idea is fairly new!! so there really isn’t a central plot yet, it’s more follows the instability of Late Republican Ancient Rome from a firsthand account, but not one that actually was up close and personal with it, yk!

so the main characters are Titus Livius Florentius Decimus Virius Laurus, Cassia Faustilla, and Lollia Maia. One of them (Florentius) is super into the arts, poetry, philosophy, etc. I imagine he’s one of those guys that’s really enamored with Greek culture for whatever reason. I also think maybe his whole heart really isn’t in politics. He came from a family which held a lot of political power at that point, so he was kind of thrown into it whether he liked it or not. He’d probably be happier being a farmer-poet in some backwater province than a senator in Rome Proper TBH.

Moving on to the other one! his name is Decimus Virius Laurus. He’s like the polar opposite of Florentius. He's in politics because he wants to be and because he worked for it. He had a particularly illustrious military career, leading him to be elevated into a higher position in the political world. Not quite a novus homo, but from a family who hadn’t been of great importance in recent politics. Hes much more concerned with the worldly aspects of life than his counterpart, Florentius. He had such a well rounded military career not only because he was naturally good at actual fighting, but he also had a good mind for strategy. I don’t think he’s as far as Cato the Elder was in “preserve the old republic”-ism but I don’t think he’d be necessarily pro- the incoming autocracy. Strong sense of needing to preserve dignity and keep up appearances.

Since it’s ancient Rome, what’s more in character than being in a lavender marriage!! Florentius’s wife is also gay. I named her Cassia Faustilla <3 They have a mutual understanding and both have lovers outside of wedlock that they actually care for. But yeah enough about her love life omg… aside from being gay she also is thee most logical character out of the four main characters. You’ve got military intelligence one side, creative genius from the other, and Lollia’s really good with people but neither one of them is very good when it comes to straight oratory OR general common sense. She’s pretty much masterminding Florentius’s political career from the sidelines while also managing to keep up the appearance of Roman Matrona pretty well all things considered.

okay the other lesbian <3 love and light <3 so her name is Lollia Maia. Which is probably my favorite name of the 4 of them… she’s probably not originally from Rome the City, maybe she’s from a Roman family out in Macedonia. or somewhere. I like to think that she and Florentius are related by some means, which is how she was introduced to Cassia. Maybe he was on some military thing in whatever province she lived in and was like oh come stay at our house for a while! and in roman fashion she would be there for months but like. she just never left and has been there for well over the time expected. she’s just never going to leave. She’s the performing arts girlie <3 since she is so into it there’s no way she’d be normal about anything and she’d be so dramatic and fun. it would be silly!!! Plus I feel like charisma/public relations is the one area I've not covered already. so. thinking about it this group literally has all it needs to be really good at politics but they’re too busy being gay to do anything about it…

#omg if this is too long sorry i get sort of carried away talking about them…#samael speaks #angel radio #Teddy <3 #oc tag

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someoneimsure · 2 years

Note

3, 4, 10, 11! <3

3. How would you describe your writing style?

Needlessly inconsistent. Highly adaptive. Very fickle. It’s good, but needs editing. I am not sure what to say here because I don’t really analyze my writing much, haha.

4. Do you have any OCs? Do you have a story for them?

!!!!! YES! I do actually!! (Be warned I am literally about to Info Dump!! I have waited So Long for someone to ask me that!!!!)

His vigilante name is The Black Rook, and he's referred to by Gotham's public as The Dark Robin. He's more of an anti-hero, as he goes the full Robin Hood route of stealing from the rich to give to the poor.

Long story short, 8-year-old Blake dressed as Robin to avenge his father, back when he was a little girl, but he was killed in the suit by his own mother. The Court of Owls found him, resurrected him, and trained him for several years to become their Owlman. In this universe, The Court of Owls were founded by a secret cabal of the currently rich after they realized they could create an army of Batmen to take over Gotham with knowledge they acquired from the original cult. The Black Rook was chosen to become The Owlman but he left them to complete his revenge.

There are so many stories I have thought of writing for him. For example, he is 15 when he finally confronts Batman as The Black Rook but he looks like a 21 year old because of the Court's experiments. Blake is Not Happy when Bruce tries to adopt him. Parental issues and all, hehe.

And here's the summary for his whole series:

Batman has a strict policy when it comes to making kids his Robin. Blake had everything needed: (1) a general desire to fight crime and (2) a desire to do so in a costume. What he did not have was a chance to meet Batman before he tried and failed to avenge his father's death. Now ten years later, he is back to try again as The Dark Robin.

There’s a whole other layer to his backstory that kind of doesn’t matter to the main story of Batman Vs Dark Robin. It was also going to be a Self Insert story but those elements can be removed. So, if you squint real hard, it’s just an Original Character story. That I have squirreled away in my secret vault of mischief.

10. Top three favorite fic tropes?

I love Angst Tropes. Like, so much. I talk about it in another ask. But for this one, how about my top three favorite happy ending / slow burn tropes? Hurt/Comfort, Enemies to Lovers, and Mutual Pining.

11. Three tropes that are fine but overrated.

I feel like this is going to need a lot of explanation from me...

Royalty AU. I have seen Far Too Many thanks to the Transformers fandom and my OTP Jazz/Prowl. There are more to any character than how they could be in a Royalty AU. (The Dark Knights of Steel, I'm looking at you!)

Fluff Fic. These literally bore me to tears. I wanna see angst. Lots of angst. Tonnes of angst! Trauma, hurting, and then comforting. I am an Angst Machine.

Friends to Lovers. Boring unless you add some Unrequited Love, Mutual Pining, and reduce it to a C-Plot. Dick and Wally only works from this context.

#asks #thanks for the ask! <3 #ask game #that's rook

0 notes

lubdubsworld · 3 years

Text

Akrasia.

Happy Birthday To the Golden Maknae.

Here’s a little treat in lieu of Jungkook’s 24th Birthday!!!

Canon Compliant.

Jungkook x OC

Word Count : 10K.

Genre : Mild Angst. ( Happy'Ending) Jungkook X OC

Akrasia (noun)

PHILOSOPHY the state of mind in which someone acts against their better judgement through weakness of will.

Getting involved with someone like Jungkook is a bad idea. Do you even realize who he is? How much he’s worth? He’s easily one of the richest men in the country . He’s loved by everyone.

I wrapped the coat around myself, tighter. Everything that Lee Jiae had said was true. She was a popular idol . Someone who would actually make a good match for the Jeon Jungkook.

But even Jiae balked at the idea of going anywhere near someone like him.

Career suicide, she had said firmly. That would be career suicide, Areum. He has fangirls from all over the world. Billions of them. They will dig so deep into my past, find the most innocent of things and twist and turn it and the next thing I know, I’m being kicked out of my band, out of the company and on the streets. I don’t want that. And neither should you.

I shivered a bit. No, I thought honestly. I didn’t want that either. I was far from successful, just an up and coming soloist , with a very very niche fanbase. I did sell a lot of records and I made enough money to live comfortably but I was not a mainstream celebrity. I didn’t register on people’s radar because I stayed far away from the spotlight.

There was something about social media that made it a terrifying thing to me. It was so abstract and unreal and yet…it seemed almost like a sentient being.

A powerful sentient being that could potentially destroy my whole life.

It scared me.

And while Jungkook and BTS had conquered that particular monster, had leashed and saddled the beast and made it their own personal pet…. I didn’t want anything to do with that.

I don’t want that, I told myself firmly. I really don’t want that. I want to stay this way… make music I love… read the few dozen fan handwritten fan letters I received everyday, make the occasional appearance on a magazine cover and then just quietly retreat into my studio. I want this. And if I go anywhere near Jeon Jungkook, I’ll lose this. I’ll lose all of this.

My phone buzzed and I jumped, glancing around nervously. The late October wind was cold but not biting. Winter would come but not for a while. And yet my skin chilled in apprehension. I always felt guilty, picking up one of his calls in public. It felt like I was being watched, like everyone could hear me, on the phone …Could hear who I was talking to.

“Hello.” I whispered nervously, eyes flitting around to find a secluded spot in the park. It was early in the morning, still an hour away from sunrise and I quickly hopped over a small hedgerow and moved into a wooded area, away from the main path that had the occasional cyclist or jogger.

“You didn’t come.” His voice was honey, the way it dripped into my senses and made my breath catch. And yet it was the undercurrent of disappointment that tugged at my heart. Made guilt churn inside me in rapid little currents.

“Yes. Sorry.” I said quietly, picking my way past a few bushes to a bench a little way into the woods. It was rusty and damp because no one came here , and the darkness was absolute, only faintly broken by the dim glow of the streetlights hundred yards away. I settled into the bench nonetheless.

“Areum…. Don’t do this to me.” Jungkook said brokenly and I exhaled.

“I’m not doing anything. I’m being smart. And you should be too. You’re romanticizing something that was just…it was just a conversation. We had a conversation . That’s all that happened.” I said desperately. It was something I’d told myself over an over, these past few weeks. Weeks of avoiding his texts, of ignoring his calls.

Calls from his hyungdeul.

That had given me a whole heart attack.

“You’re just going to ignore me then? Toss my feelings away like they don’t matter?” He asked quietly and my heart clenched.

“You …” I shook my head.” You need to understand something. I’m not going to do this. I can’t afford to. I told you already Jungkook…we spent one evening talking..that’s it…we’re not dating..we don’t know each other well enough for you to be saying that you have feelings for me-“

“And I told you I don’t fucking care. “ He said sharply. “ One day… One hour…who cares? I believe in soulmates. Call me foolish and dumb but I do and when I saw you I felt that. And I know you felt it too.”

My mind flashed back to that evening. It was a private birthday party for a mutual friend. Barely a dozen of us had attended and Jungkook had been sneaking glances at me all evening, completely oblivious to the ay every woman in the room had their gaze glued on him. The party hadn’t been my thing at all and I’d sneaked away to the private terrace, accessible only through a rickety old fire escape and to my utter shock he had followed me up there.

The stars had been exceptionally bright that night, but with Jungkook sitting on the tiled roof next to me, gazing at me with all that adoration, his doe eyes had seemed to hold more of them than the night sky.

“What do you want, Jungkook?” I asked quietly.

“I want you. I know you want me. We …we understand each other. I want the same things you do. Do you even fucking realize how rare that is? To find someone who shares the same thoughts, the same dreams as you do? Who looks at the world the way you do… I… I am not foolish enough to think that there’s another girl out there who could connect to me the way you do. You call that a conversation…just a conversation…. Did you forget what kind of a conversation it was?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three weeks ago

The party had barely started and I was already itching to run home. There was a particular song lyric , stuck in my head like a loop and I wanted to put it on paper as soon as possible. I had this thing where seeing something on print helped me to elaborate on an idea. Directed my train of thought in that particular direction if you willed.

Mingyu was walking around, talking to his friends and making them laugh with his witty banter but I didn’t miss the way he shot me little glances. I gave him a quick thumbs up though, to let him know I was okay. He was a childhood friend, one of the few people I’d stayed in touch with through the years. And of course, being in the same industry meant a lot of shared interests.

I moved to the side bar with the drinks and appetizers, ordering myself a diet coke before hopping onto one of the stools. I watched the dozen or so people here….His bandmates, some other idols. I recognized Yugyeom from GOT7. They were all dressed in dressy casuals : flashy shirts and tight jeans and racy little dresses and I felt out of place in my long jean skirt and tasseled leather jacket.

Sighing, I turned back to my drink when a commotion near the door made me look up.

I felt my eyes widen when I saw who it was.

The Jeon Jungkook. From BTS.

I stared at him as did pretty much every person in the room. Jungkook was easily one of the most handsome men I’d ever seen in my life, tall and just…big. I stared at the broad shoulders, the huge arms and the taut line of his abdomen, tapering into a narrow waist and long, long legs with muscular thighs. He was wearing a black shirt, unbuttoned all the way to his chest and skinny blue jeans with black boots.

I smiled, genuinely awed. Jungkook looked every bit like the untouchable superstar he was and I considered that the party hadn’t been a waste after all. The chances of me running into someone like that in person were pretty slim.

Almost at once he was surrounded and I watched as his ears turned red, gaze shifting away and an almost soft shyness in the way he bowed politely . A hesitation to be put on the spot but also a need to stay polite , probably. Laughing a bit , I watched him some more and then his gaze lifted to mine. To my surprise, his eyes went wide in what was clearly recognition.

What.

I watched as he quickly bowed and said something to the people around him before picking his way to me. My entire body went taut with surprise.

“Lee Areum ssi…” He stuttered, eyes wide and I could only gape. “ I’m a huge fan.”

I blinked.

What.

“You know who I am?” I asked , mildly horrified and he laughed nervously, shaking his head and rubbing the back of his palm across his nose before laughing a little.

“Your voice is just… something about your songs…they help me sleep when I’m too exhausted to relax.” He said softly and I felt warmth pool inside me.

“Too exhausted too sleep. That doesn’t sounf good...”

Jungkook chuckled.

“Its not. It usually happens when we’re preparing for a comeback. It different with concerts you know…we’re exhausted because we’ve been running around …singing…its all physical…mostly. And that’s easy to brush aside and sleep. But comebacks…there’s that nervousness. The worry that things may not be as good as they were. Constantly having to keep up to standards. “ He shook his head. “ it can get exhausting.”

It was something deep and oddly tragic and I was stunned that he’d shared something so… personal. To a literal stranger. But the urge to soothe..to comfort and reassure him in some way was over powering.

Instinctively, I leaned closer and lightly touched his forearm .

“But you are the standard, now, Jungkook ssi. What BTS has done, others can only dream of reaching. You’ve brought this….utopian idea that you can love yourself just the way you are… and that’s amazing. I understand the need to meet expectation but I think you’ve earned the right to sleep without being burdened by them.”

Jungkook didn’t reply, staring into my eyes and I felt my pulse kick up a notch, my eyes taking in the beautiful features and my throat went dry when his gaze dropped to where my fingers lightly brushed the soft fabric of his shirt sleeve.

“Oppa…Let’s dance.” A shrill voice behind him made us both jump and I quickly pulled my hand away. Panicking, I turned away from him fully, ducking my head so my hair could cover my face. There was a dull roaring in my head, making it hard to hear what he was saying but a second later he moved away from the bar and I exhaled sharply.

Shaking I turned back to my drink.

Another twenty minutes of trying to avoid looking at Jungkook, I gave up. This wasn’t my kind of place at all and after a quick word with Mingyu, I moved to the small balcony in the side, desperate for some fresh air. But the moment I stepped out, my eyes fell on the rickety ladder like stairs, rusty and clearly a death trap. I quickly moved to the ledge and peered up at the roof. It was a little inclined but nothing dangerous. And there was a barricade that would break my fall, just in case I slipped.

Thrilled at the prospect of doing something that was both foolish and fancy free, I quickly, climbed on to the ladder, climbing all the way over to the top and throwing my legs over the iron railing before carefully walking overt to the center of the roof. Grinning to myself, I settled on the slightly damp tiles.

“You’re lucky the ladder didn’t break .” Jungkook’s voice made me yelp and I stared as he quickly jumped over the railing himself, grinning and wiping his hands on his thighs.

“Oh my god, people are going to find us here!” I hissed, terrified and he laughed.

“Don’t worry. I told them I’m going home.”

“You lied?” I shook my head in disbelief and Jungkook hummed.

“Did I?” He pretended to think. “ Doesn’t feel like I did.”

It took me a few seconds for the implication to sink in.

I looked away, blushing a bit.

“Did I come on too strong?” He moved to sit next to me, just a foot away.

I shook my head.

“No. I’m just.. I didn’t expect you to know me. We don’t exactly run in the same circles.”

“There’s a very cliché line in my head about how you’ve been running in circles in my head for a long time but I’ll save that for our first date.” He said with a laugh and I blushed deeper.

“Date?” I shook my head, “ That’s not funny.”

“Good. Because it wasn’t a joke. Let me take you out to dinner sometime.”

I stared at him, trying to look for the punchline because even if he denied it, it was still laughable. The mere idea of it.

“Don’t turn me down Areum ssi.” He said softly and I swallowed.

“I won’t if you take it back.” I said quietly.

He sighed.

“Then…when you sang about wanting to give love a chance…wanting to free fall for once without worrying about the rocks at the bottom of the cliff, wanting to soar into the sky without thinking of the ropes trying to tether you to the ground….were you joking?”

I gaped at him.

“that’s.. those are… Those are lines from before my debut.” I said shakily.

“Like I said… I’ve been a fan for a long time.” Jungkook whispered.

The night was magical. Cool and refreshing and the night sky was resplendent, the lack of clouds offering a stellar view of the stars and yet, I found myself drawn to the galaxies swirling in his doe eyes. The strong nose and the cherry red lips, now being worried between slightly large front teeth as he stared at me with all the nervousness of a young boy.

But he wasn’t a boy. He was a man.

And this wasn’t a love song.

This was real life.

“Free falling is fun when you don’t know what you’re falling into. But when you do know that there’s a lot of pain at the end of the fall, its not something you want to experience.”

“Areum…”

“I’m flattered.” I said quickly. “ Beyond flattered…really. But… I can’t.”

“Okay. But don’t leave. Stay here with me.. for a while. Let’s talk.” He said quickly.

Jungkook was handsome and the night was still young. This maybe the last time I would ever see him and I was honest. It was flattering, receiving attention from someone like that.

I hesitated before sighing and nodding.

“Okay…let’s talk.” I smiled, throwing caution to the winds.

And talk we did. About everything and nothing. As the night grew darker, Jungkook relaxed next to me, laughing as he shared anecdotes about his members, about his family, about his brother. And then naturally about how successful they were these days and Jungkook told me that there was always a downside to fame but he enjoyed the love he received. That he loved his fans for how they treated him and his brothers.

“Fame comes with a price but it’s a small price to pay…being loved for what I do..being accepted the way I am…it feels good.” He said quietly.

“It’s not always that way though.” I pointed out honestly. “ You guys are … I won’t say lucky because you’ve definitely worked hard but you’ve been more fortunate than the rest. Sometimes the spotlight can be a terrifying place to be.”

“you forget that we were once one of the most hated idols in the country..” He laughed. “ Trust me I know.”

“I didn’t know about you guys till you got on the Billboard. And you’re an amazing singer as well.” I said softly.

He grinned , playing with the bracelets on his wrist.

“Thank you.” He said sweetly.

We stayed quiet for a few seconds, staring up at the sky.

“I’ve never been attracted to fame.” I told him honestly.” Of course it holds its charms I suppose but I’ve always preferred the quiet of being obscure, you know. Like this secret that only a few get to learn in their lifetime.” I laughed. “ A hidden treasure maybe? Its why I started a Youtube channel instead of auditioning. Because only people who genuinely liked my music would get more of me. ” I smiled.

Jungkook hummed.

“When you first started singing your own songs on your YouTube channel? It was kind of around the same time we won our first daesang…” He smiled. “ In the MMA.”

“Oh…Really?” I asked surprised. That was nearly five years ago.

“Yeah. And till then..it was just your voice that I got to hear. You talked a bit but mostly it was just you covering someone else’s songs. And well, after we won the daesang I felt …lonely? Kind of? Scared maybe. And then you sang, ‘ White Dove’ a couple of days later and the lyrics…they just resonated with me you know. It made me feel like I knew you… Like you were a friend.”

I swallowed.

“I..thank you.” I whispered quietly, staring at my hands.

“And when you refused to sign with SM or YG. You also refused to monetize your videos on Youtube. You said your voice was your gift and you didn’t want to make money from something you’d received for free yourself. That …I loved that.”

“You’re like that too. You post your covers and songs on soundcloud for free as well.” I said quietly and he smiled.

“Like I said…we have a lot in common.” He smiled.

I smiled, shaking my head.

“I envy you.” He said quietly and I glanced at him.

“Hmm?”

“You’re just… You’re so untouched by all this. By me. It may sound incredibly narcissistic but people swoon when they see me for the first time but…you’re just you…. And that just makes me remember that you’re amazing and beautiful and you have such beautiful mind and you’re just… you’re so far out of my league. You’re so content with what you have and I wish I could be that way….But I …I can’t help but be greedy.”

“Greedy?”

“To do more. To want more. I know I should be happy that I even got to meet you . I feel like I’ve lived a lifetime in these two hours , sitting here talking to you. But I’m still greedy for more.” He stared at me with an intensity that was electric.

“More what?” I laughed.

“More of this. More of you. More of you and me together. More of us.”

“Us?” I laughed, shaking my head. “ There’s no us , Mr. Jungkook . you need to forget about that.”

“ I don’t think I can.” He said suddenly.

I felt the smile fade from my face.

“Jungkook.”

“Your song … Utopia… where you write about your idea of the perfect world. I… I loved it.” He said shakily.

“Jungkook , wait…”

“All of these days, when I listened to your songs, I would make it personal.. It would be about how those words applied to my life but with Utopia… that world you talk about …where you can be yourself, where you can sing whatever you want, be whoever you want…. When I heard that song…it became about you. About us.. I… that world you dream of.. I want to give that to you.”

My jaw dropped and I exhaled in disbelief.

“Do you realize how ridiculous that is? Your fans…our companies… Everyone will lose their minds.” I whispered, horrified.

He nodded.

“I know. I know I shouldn’t ask you this. Because it goes against my better judgement. But I can’t help. I still want to choose this. Choose you. So if there’s a word for that.. That is how I feel.”

“I.. I should go.” I said nervously, making to move but he reached out an gently gripped my wrist.

“Do you believe in love at first sight?” He asked quietly and I shook my head.

“No.. I don’t.” I said quietly.

“Good. Because neither do I. But I do believe in people who can understand you better than anyone else can. Just give me a chance. One date.”

I stayed quiet staring at my feet. There was so much to consider but I couldn’t bring myself to look at him and say no. He looked so hopeful.

“I’m busy for a couple of weeks. But there’s a beautiful terrace restaurant in Itaewon that I know. We’ll have complete privacy . I’ll get my chauffeur to pick you up. No one ill know. I just want to spend some time with you over dinner and if you have a good time….. we can meet again.”

And then what?

“I…I’ll try. But I can’t promise anything.“ I said honestly.

“That’s good enough for me. Can I have your number at least?” He asked finally.

I nodded and quietly put it into his phone.

“I’ll make the reservation and send you the details. And Areum?”

I glanced up at him.

“I’ve been free falling since I met you.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I closed my eyes, breathing deeply.

“I do.” I said quietly. “ I do remember.”

“I haven’t stopped falling. I keep listening to your songs on loop… Because I can’t bear the thought of being away from you , of not being connected to you in some way…”

“You’re so .. you’re so intense.” I whispered shakily and he laughed.

“I know, baby. I’m sorry. It’s just the way I am… I’m here you know. The restaurant I told you about. And my chauffeur is at your home. But he told me he couldn’t find you. It’s the middle of the night . where are you?”

I sighed.

“In the park opposite my house.”

Jungkook didn’t respond for a second.

“Do you want me to ask him to leave?” He asked quietly.

I took a deep breath.

“ Akrasia. “ I breathed out nervously.

“What…”

“its when someone makes a decision…against their better judgement.” I laughed nervously. “When we had that conversation , you asked me if there was a word for it. For acting against your better judgement. Akrasia is the word you’re looking for .”

He stayed quiet on the other end.

“Okay.” He said finally. “ Well, are you going to be akratic with me?” he said finally.

“Ask your driver to leave for now. And come meet me in my apartment tomorrow. I’ll make you dinner.”

Jungkook didn’t respond.

“That way we’ll have more privacy.” I said softly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dating Jungkook was a lot of pain. Just as I’d anticipated. It was sitting by and watching him work himself down to the bone. It was watching people throw themselves at him and not being able to say a word. To the world he was single. And the number of women who called and hounded him was unnatural.

And he worked so hard that my heart ached for him.

One night, he missed dinner and I couldn’t reach him on the phone. I stayed up , sitting on my bed, waiting.

He came back at exactly at three in the morning. He didn't turn on the light but the moonlight through the window was sufficient to let me know that he looked terrible. i watched him shrug out of his jacket, leaning against the table , long legs crossed and crisp white shirt unbuttoned. He tugged at his tie with a sort of tired , half hearted gesture and i smiled.

i watched him for sometime, seeing him shrug out of his shirt and change into a simple white t shirt. He moved with a sort of graceful strength. Like every single cell of his body had the same confidence that he did.

It was like a dream, i realized as another dull ache of pain twisted my heart. It was like i'd slept and woken up in someone else's dream. A dream where it was okay for me to look at him and feel things for him , without fighting to convince herself that it was dangerous. That it was going to end in heartbreak.

As i watched him prepare for bed, i wondered when I had started falling so hard.

The sound of the door closing, made me look up , shaken out of my thoughts. Jungkook was locking the door behind him.

When he moved to the bed, i decided to let him know that i was awake.

"You're back?" i said softly.

He hesitated, clearly startled , before smiling at me. It was a weak smile, one that practically screamed exhaustion and i sat up straighter, watching as he moved to me side and gently stroked me hair.

"Why aren't you asleep?" He smiled.

"I was waiting for you." i said honestly holding my hand out and he took it, kissing it obediently.

"you'll have to wait longer, I'm afraid. I have a meeting tomorrow morning with PDnim and I still haven't prepped for it. I need to get an hour's sleep and get back to work. " Up close he looked so tired that i felt my heart clench in panic.

"You don't look good." i said, alarmed as i realized that his skin had a distinctively grayish tinge to it.

"Comeback times are always that way. Never good for my health." He said teasingly. He checked his phone messages before turning to me and smiling.

"I see you've been cutting back on the pain killers... are you feeling better than?" He asked. I’d been down with some menstrual cramps earlier and I was touched that he remembered, even in the mess of his schedule.

"I wish you wouldn't change the topic everytime I try to show concern for you." i said , a little bit annoyed. He grinned and touched my cheek with his forefinger.

"Just the fact that you are concerned is enough for me . anything more and I might die of happiness. you don't want that do you?" He winked.

Deciding that it was impossible to talk with the man, i asked him if he wanted something to drink.

He shook his head and climbed in next to me but before laying down, he turned to me.

He hesitated.

"Will you lend me your shoulder for the night?" He said softly , placing his hand there.

i sighed as he leaned against me . His skin felt warm against me, his hair lightly tickling me cheekbones and i threaded me finger through the silky strands.

In just a few seconds, he was fast asleep.

I stayed awake, watching the room grow steadily brighter, the weak winter sun gently finding its way into the room , much like the way the man in my arms was gently finding his way into my heart.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"We should get a house, don't you think?" i said two months later, sitting up in bed , eating dinner while i watched him work on his files. He'd placed the desk in the far corner of the room, giving me the perfect view. And i was beginning to enjoy it a lot more than the one i could see out the window.

" A house? " Jungkook stopped and looked up. " You want to live with me ? Just the two of us?" He smiled.

Well, when he put it that way. I balked and ducked my head.

"It's too soon isn't it..I'm sorry I don't know why I..."

"What kind of a house would you prefer? Flat? Penthouse? Apartment? Duplex? Tell me....I'll get you the listings and you can pick out the ones you like . When you get better we can go pick one out." He grinned at me and i relaxed against the pillows , while he went back to his files.

"I read something online…” i said casually . He didn't look up, merely humming to acknowledge that he'd heard me.

"Did you date Lee Hyeri ?" i finally said. He stopped and looked at me.

"Yes. Many months ago. I broke up with her because I wasn’t feeling anything serious and I didn’t want to lead her one. She didn’t take it very well. ." He said softly, moving towards the bed and sitting on the edge. As was his habit, he reached for my hand, holding it in his and tracing circles with his thumb.

“She called me.” I said quietly and he stiffened.

“Shit.”

I laughed.

“She wanted to meet me . Wanted to talk about something although I have an idea what. I’m not going to indulge her though.”

“If she calls again, you should tell her that her obsession is bordering on stalking and I’m on the verge of getting a restraining order. She turned up at my studio too. Went on an on about how I broke her heart and cheated on her . ”

i hesitated , looking away from him and smiling.

"I don't know . Should I?" i shook my head. i hesitated, pulling my hand away from him. "What else did she say?" i said suddenly, remembering how angry she had sounded on the phone.

"Nothing, you need to worry about. Are you done with this? Shall I clean it up?" He reached for my dinner tray and i grabbed his wrist.

"where are you going? You should tell me what she said." i protested, but he gently pried my fingers off before dropping a kiss on me forehead .

"And You should tell me when you're going to start staying over at my apartment.. It's going to snow in a few days. Or so they say. I thought you might like to enjoy the first snow with me..." He smiled .

I took the subtle hint to drop the subject.

"You're being too wonderful. It makes my heart ache." i snuggled into my bed and pouted at him. He laughed at that.

"Take rest. I have a meeting right now. I'll be back late so you should sleep."

I watched him leave, feeling oddly bereft. I was growing to love him deeply.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As with every couple in the world, our fights were often over the silliest things.

"You're still angry." I said casually, watching him work on his documents, the low burning desk light setting his features in sharp relief. He looked at me for a second and shook his head.

"I'm not angry , Areum. I'm busy. There is a difference." He said with a sigh, rubbing the heel of his palm into his eye. I watched the gesture and sat up straighter in bed, leaning over the side to stare at the clock there. It read 1.15 Am.

"It's snowing." I said softly, getting one my knees and peering out the windows. Through the haze of moonlight, I watched the small flakes drift down over the neatly cut hedgerows, making each segment of the garden look like neat cut slices of cake with vanilla cream frosting. I grinned at the little wisps of cotton white snow, clinging to each little branch on the trees and felt my heart swell with joy.

"I suppose you're too busy to make good on your promise." I said naughtily, peering over my shoulder to glance at him.

"Promise?"

"That you'll walk with me , in the first snow." I said, turning around and getting out of bed, slipping my feet into my fur slippers. I watched him fight with himself , the emotions warring across his handsome face and held my breath.

finally he sighed and stood up. I tried to keep the triumphant grin off my face and failed miserably. I felt awful, because deep down I had known that no matter how angry or upset he was, Jungkook would never break a promise. And I'd worded my request that way, just to take advantage of that little chink of honor that he always lived by.

"Alright then. Let's go take a walk in the first snow." He said softly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You love snow."

"How did you know that?" I said surprised, lightly grabbing the low lying branch till it showered both of us with soft white flakes.

"You make these little sounds , everytime you see snow. I've noticed it from the time we met." Jungkook grinned .

I laughed and turned away. I felt like I was standing in the middle of a fairytale, the white landscape making me feel like some exotic Ice Queen. I walked ahead of him, running a few steps till I was about ten feet ahead of him. I turned around, facing him as I walked backwards. He laughed at that.

"Be careful. The snow looks soft but the fall will hurt." He warned me, putting his hands in his pockets and narrowing his shoulders to fight the chill. I smiled and shook my head.

"I want to look at you and make sure that you're not angry with me anymore." I said, enjoying the way he rolled his eyes and shook his head.

"I'm not angry. I told you that."

"Yes. You did. But i didn't tell you I'm sorry, did I?" I said softly, stopping in my tracks and watching as he drew closer. Jungkook gave me a curious glance, walking slowly till he was just in front of me.

"I'm sorry I said I'll leave you." I said honestly. He looked surprised but smiled nonetheless.

"Duly noted." He bowed his head, tipping an imaginary hat at me. Smiling, I turned around I ran a few more steps and instinctively knelt on the ground

"Don't ." He said suddenly.

I looked up from where I was gathering a handful of snow. I gave him an innocent smile.

"What?"

"I know what you're thinking. don't do it." He said, taking a step back. I felt a thrill of anticipation shoot through me, realizing that the big bad wolf was actually scared of being hit by a snowball.

"You should know why I like snow so much.." I grinned with mischief and he gave me a look of disbelief.

"I don't think you can hit me. You're forgetting that i'm an expert at taekwondo.”

I held my hand up and threw , cursing when he casually stepped out of the way, laughing at the look on my face.

"You have to concentrate on what you're doing. Anticipate my next move and react accordingly." He advised, bending down to get some snow for himself.

"React to this!!" I grabbed two handfuls of snow and ran straight at him, grinning as I leapt on him.

We landed on the snow, Jungkook on his back and I right on top of him, laughing as I smeared the snow on his face. He spluttered in disbelief and swiftly, threw his weight over, pinning me to the ground and straddling me, fingers swiftly grabbing my wrists and pushing my hands over my head, leaving me vulnerable and helpless, as he shook his head , showering me with ice cold flakes.

I squeaked in surprise and he laughed hard.

Watching him laugh, full and open , I realized that I'd never watched him laugh that way before.

He looked exhilarated.

Yanking my hand out of his grasp, I grabbed his collar, pulling him down for a kiss.

the first touch of his lips to mine, felt like the sweetest, coolest sip of crystal waters after a lifelong thirst .

I sank into the snow, sighing into the sweetness and the gentle pressure of his lips against me, the first touch of his tongue, making heat seep through my body, despite the cold. I curled my fingers into the fur near his neck, smiling into the kiss as he slipped one hand into my hair, gently tilting my head for better access.

He kissed me softly. He kissed me deeply.

He kissed me like that was what he'd been put on the earth to do.

But mostly he kissed me like that was all he wanted .

It was so absurdly romantic that I wanted to laugh .

I could catch whiffs of his scent, even though my eyes were watering and mey nose felt like it was running. Some elusive cologne mixed with the scent of clean male skin . It made me heat up in ways that curled my toes in my fur boots. Each little kiss lasted a little longer than the one before, till I was certain that I was going to melt into the snow. And each little breath felt like a little wisp of my soul leaving my body and mingling with his.

We kissed and kissed and kissed, while the snow fell in white flakes around us .

First Snow. first kiss, I thought happily.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After our little episode in the garden, I found that I felt something akin to desperation everytime I came in contact with Jungkook.

It's not that I woke up one day and realized that something had changed in the way I watched Jungkook.

. That my eyes lingered, not just on his face but on the curve of his lips, the edge of his jaw, the exposed skin of his neck. My fingers wanted to reach out and grip, not just the strength of his shoulders and the slender digits of his hand but also his lean waist.

I began losing my mind, slowly and painfully. Suffocating when Jungkook got too close , choking when he went away too far.

As they spent time together, Jungkook began touching me.

. Not too often and never in an intrusive way , but every time his fingers traced the back of my palm or brushed back my hair, my throat went dry and my heart stopped pumping blood and I felt like like a fool because I had no idea if Jungkook felt half of what I was feeling.

In fact I was certain that Jungkook didn’t feel anything at all.

What I was feeling was painful and confusing and if Jungkook felt any of it, he would be running as far away from me as possible, not moving closer and closer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Why are you so nervous?” Jungkook laughed and I bit my nails nervously, glancing around the reception hesitantly. The workers were all busy, no one spared us so much as a glance but I couldn’t help but feel terrified.

“It’s only us here? For the whole weekend? No one else?” I asked again for the hundredth time.

Jungkook groaned, shaking his head and ignoring me, holding his hand out for the keys to our cottage. I yelped a bit when he began walking away without waiting for me, running to keep up with his long strides.

“Sorry…I just don’t want you to get in trouble.” I said quietly, slipping my hand into his, linking our fingers together and smiling a little.

He squeezed my hand gently before pulling away to wrap me in a one armed huge, pressing a kiss to my neck.

“I booked the entire resort for the weekend. The staff have all signed a confidentiality agreement. No one is going to know we’re here. You can be as loud as you want.” He whispered and I yelped, hitting his chest,” let me finish….” He laughed. “ When you yell at me. You can be as loud as you want when you yell at me.”

“You’re a terrible person.” I whispered , burying my face into his arm in mortification.

Jungkook merely laughed .

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You seem tense." He said that evening, as the pair of us sat on the back deck , glasses of bubble tea in hand , watching the waves break out on the rocks. Slow but persistent , gradually breaking the rock's resistance and carving its way into its heart.

"Can we ever …truly be relaxed ?" I asked , a little bit of desperation in my tone. Jungkook didn’t turn to look at me . Instead he took a picture of the rocks and the sea with his phone.

"That's a pretty loaded question. With a lot of answers."

I stared at him, wondering why I was more confused now than before.

"Sometimes I can't understand you at all." I said quietly, shaking my head.

“Do you understand that I love you?” He said softly.

I hesitated before nodding.

“That’s the only thing that matters to me.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The boys dropped by for a visit the next day.

I sat down on the open deck, opposite Namjoon for a game of chess. Jungkook slid into the armchair next to me.

"Are you winning?" Jungkook asked quietly and I shot him a glare, which gets a smile in return promptly. It was like he always knew what to say , how to manipulate my thoughts and emotions, how to make me look and feel a certain way , just so he could steal that part of mr away.

How evil.

At first I didn’t notice that he was sitting a bit too close for comfort, because as such, we've lived on top of each other for quite a while now. But after a while I became aware of the warmth of his thigh, solid and strong against my own, evident even through the layers of jean separating them.

I tried to move away, surreptitiously, but Jungkook only moved closer.

"Try this."

His fingers fluttered over my thigh, intentionally or not I would never know, reaching for my queen and I tried not to jump out of my skin, gritting my teeth as my muscles stiffened, my nerves tingling like electric.

I licked my lips and Jungkook’s eyes flickered up at the movement, a gentle smile tugging at his lips and my gut clenched in embarrassment. But the brunette moved even closer, his bare arm now brushing against mine and I had to swallow the desperate urge to get up and just run.

"Well, this is entertaining." Namjoon said suddenly and i looks at my opponent for the first time since Jungkook’s arrival. Namjoon was leaning back in his armchair, amusement shining out of his eyes .

I scrambled in a bid to put space between Jungkook and I and failed miserably.

"He's just helping me with chess." I said desperately.

"Oh, is that what they call it these days?" Namjoon leaned forward looking very intrigued.

Jungkook reached out and clonked him on the head but his eyes were laughing and I wondered how this was going to end. I wanted it. Wanted to take that final step with Jungkook but I was also so , so scared.

Would it change things. For the better? For worse?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jungkook, I soon realized, took the way I was shying away from him , as some sort of a twisted challenge to get closer than ever. The more I moved away, the closer Jungkook gets , touching me in gentle intimate little touches and every time he did, a slow simmering fire started at the pit of my stomach, reaching out in gentle upward licks , drying my throat and turning my insides into molten goo.

She's almost tempted to ask Jungkook if he feels the same way but she's saved the trouble later that week.

"I want you."

I froze on the spot, fingers stopping in mid air, inches from picking up a slice of apple, neatly placed on the tray. We were in the dining room, Jungkook sitting with a set of files spread out in front of him and me with a knife and a few uncut apples in a basket.

"You..what?" I squeaked.

" I'm attracted to you and I really want to have sex with you." Jungkook said , almost carefully.

Like he was announcing the weather. Like his words weren’t carefully calculated to turn my world upside down.

"Alright. " I whispered, not even sure what else I could say to that.

I stole a glance at Jungkook who was grinning from ear to ear. I felt blush rushing up my body, the blood flooding my face so quick it made me dizzy..

"Don't .. Don't look at me like that." I whispered, mortified to sound like a sixteen year old girl.

"Do you want me to leave now?" Jungkook reached out , placing a soft hand on my palm and it took all my willpower not to grab Jungkook and hug him. Instead I managed a weak smile. My mind was a few seconds away from collapsing in on itself and I was too stunnedto think straight.

So I answered the question at face value.

"No, I don't want you to leave now. "

"Okay. Go ahead, eat your fruit. It's good for you."

Jungkook smiled again, serene and perfectly at peace with the world.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At eleven thirty on Saturday night, both Jungkook and I sneaked out of the hotel, arms laden with our picnic basket and coats draped over our shoulders. Once we reached large pond in the outer edge of the property, Jungkook made quick work of the blanket, spreading it out on the artificial lawn that surrounded it.

I settled down on it, reaching out and dipping my legs in the water. It's a bit chilly but only for a second. I wriggled my toes playfully and Jungkook slipped a bit closer to me, letting his foot sink in next to mine.

We played around for a while, splashing water on each other and then I pulled my legs out.

"You okay?" Jungkook asked softly and I turned around to stare at him , a little apprehensive. There are so many things wrong with this , a part of me screams. But there's a part of me that longs, so badly , for this simplicity. Longs and has longed, all my life. Just this, the chance to relax and be myself and play around with water in the moonlight.

"I'm not sure." I admitted, honestly.

"Tell me. " Jungkook said and for once his voice isn't relaxed. Instead it's a bit urgent and anxious.

"We're not... I’m so scared that we'll never make it, you know." I sighed, dipping my legs back into the water, just as Jungkook pulled his out.

"Why? Because of the media ?" There’s a hint of bitterness in his voice and I hated myself for bringing this up. We were supposed to be spending time together, enjoying each other’s company. I wasn’t sup[posed to be ruining the mood like this.

"It's nothing. I just.. I don't want you to get hurt." I said honestly.

"Because of you? Because I'm with you?" Jungkook's voice was lot softer now, the bitterness replaced by concern.

"I.. Yes.. I mean... I'm.."

"You're a gorgeous young woman who is intelligent and charming. Why would I ever give you up?" Jungkook asked, reaching out and wrapping an arm around my shoulder but I couldn’t help but sigh.

"That's.. that's not what everyone else thinks." I reminded him. “ And that not what they’ll say, if you ever tell them the truth about us.”

"No it isn't. And I won't say something stupid like , it doesn't matter what others think. Because it does, I know it does. And it's going to hurt. In fact I think it would hurt you a lot more than it would hurt me. But if I don't... If I don't take a chance with us... that's going to hurt me too. So its a choice. I can either choose to get hurt by people I don't give a damn about , and in return I get... get to be with someone I really...like…..

"Or, I give up the woman I love and get hurt by my own decision. " Jungkook finished.

"We hurt either way." I smiled bitterly, Jungkook's words making a lot of sense.

"Yes. All you need to choose is , what's worth the hurt? Being with me, or society's approval?" Jungkook leaned forward slightly and I blinked.

We stayed that way staring at each other for a second and then he pulled away and sighed deeply.

"I've already chosen, I. I'm not pushing you, but I hope you'll pick me." He said quietly.

I stared into the night, thoughtfully. So easy, I told myself. So easy to turn around right now and kiss Jungkook, tell him that I didn’t deserve so much happiness. That my heart was so light, I wanted to spout wings and fly.

So easy but so frightening.

The wind picked up somewhere and somehow a draught found its way inside and I shivered a little, only to have a warm blanket wrapped around my shoulder. Jungkook snuggled in with me and we huddled together

My thoughts tripped over each other and I wanted to run away but I stayed still, letting the gentle lap of the water against my toe, calm my inner turmoil.

"It's just you and me." Jungkook whispered, " Right now. Just you and me. Let's pretend we're the only ones on the planet."

I turned around to the brunette in surprise but Jungkook's looking out into the water, lit by a full moon from the skylight.

"Just you and me. " He said absently and I nodded, looping my fingers with Jungkook's. We sat in silence, pressed against each other and I waited till the moon slipped behind a cloud before turning around, slightly, and pressing my lips against Jungkook's.

It's soft and very short, over before it even begins and Jungkook smiled into the kiss.

Explicit Content :

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jungkook teasingly pushes her back and Areum falls back against the soft mattress, like she's been shoved. She melts into the kiss and then Jungkook’s lips move away, dragging his teeth and tongue over the exposed expanse of her neck, lightly sucking and biting and then soothing with his tongue. Areum gasps and struggles and fights for air, before dragging their lips together again.

Jungkook kisses her until she's splayed flat against the bed, eyes wide and lost and lips parted, blush staining her cheeks and then Jungkook's reaching out to the table and pulling his camera , snapping a picture.

"You're such a weirdo!" Areum laughs , too turned on to be annoyed.

"No, just a man. A man in love." Jungkook leans down, pushing his hips down into hers and she gasps at the friction. They make quick work of their jeans and suddenly its skin on skin and she's not sure if she's doing this right.

"Jungkook.. I..I.."

"Hey, relax. I got you." Jungkook holds her close, just holding her, cradling her almost and the familiar words smooth away her apprehensions and he's moving closer, trying to pull more sounds out of her, his lips tracing the line of her chest, tongue swirling around one nipple before moving down and down, dipping lightly into her belly button.

And then the camera is tossed to the side, Jungkook flipping them over with ease , his lips moving down , tongue dipping into the curve of her waist down and then further down , lightly licking at the sensitive bundle of nerves near her center and Areum's pretty certain she loses her mind at that point.

"You're amazing." He whispers, and she nearly flies off the bed when Jungkook slides a single digit in, slowly , so slowly. She’s wet and ready but her body is still stuck in auto pilot and she wants to close her legs instinctively.

"Relax for me." Jungkook whispers, lips close to her ear, licking and teasing .

"I'll make it good. Just relax for me." Jungkook says again, gently, lapping at her neck and Areum unclenches her thighs letting him work his way in, sighing when the slide becomes a little more easy and a little more familiar.

"So beautiful." Jungkook whispers and Areum laughs, shaking her head.

"It's dark, you can't even see-"

"I can’t see but I can feel you. i can feel you and you’re so fucking gorgeous." He slips another finger in and curls his fingers against the walls of her insides and the gentle press of the pad of his finger is too much and not enough , all at once. Her head falls back into the pillow, all coherency leaving her body in a single whoosh of breath.

"Look at me. Only me." She whispers when Jungkook thrusts into her for the first time and Jungkook nods shakily and he pushes in, leaving her trembling at the ache and the pain and wanting to cry out, but she swallows it all down because she knows it’s going to get better .

"Don't wander off. " Areum whispers, pulling him down for a kiss and Jungkook pushes in deeper, earning a gasp. He wishes he could explain, that he can't ever think of anything but her because she is the perfect dream.

“I love this. I love you. “ she whispered and he had to physically restrain himself from burying himself to the hilt inside her. Her body was still getting used to him. He didn’t want to hurt her but God, she felt so amazing around him. the heat and wetness driving him crazy in a way that couldn’t be explained.

“Hold me tight.”

And she did.

With her arms and her legs and her body and her.....everything.

When she clenched around him, his mind went blissfully blank, her orgasm hitting him like an earth shattering, bone melting , heart stopping explosion of bliss.

He fell against her, careful not to crush her with his weight and rolled to the side gathering her close.

Someday he would hurt her, he was sure of it. He was an idiot after all and he knew he would find a way to muck this up and ruin it for them but for now, he wasn’t going to think about any of that.

For now, he was going to enjoy the intimacy of making love to the woman he loved.

Author’s Note : Hope you guys liked it! it was supposed to be very angsty but its really not lol....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

#bts smut #bts fics #bts fanfics #jungkook smut #jungkook fics

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ggukkiedae · 2 years

Text

If Hannah Dated Yeonjun

as requested~ like i said before, i’ll probably be doing these what ifs for the people in the final lineup for my ocs’ s/o. in hannah’s case, it would have been jeno, wanna one/soloist jihoon, stray kids’ han, and (as you see in this post) txt’s yeonjun

TAGLIST: @1-800-enhypennabi @strwberrydinosaur @sunflower-0180 @caratinylyfe @1-800-minji @woopetals @kimhyejin3108 @starlighthwa @akshverse

so these two were introduced to each other in 2015 through yoonmi. i mean she and hannah are close and she and yeonjun are practically cousins (yoonmi is my bts oc btw if you don’t follow her)

at first it was quite awkward since hannah is an introvert, but yeonjun would make the effort to engage her in conversations

since hannah does tend to visit yoonmi a lot in bighit, she and yeonjun end up running into each other frequently and becoming pretty good friends

the difference from the actual timeline is that, here, hannah finds herself drawn to yeonjun because he always makes her feel comfortable while yeonjun finds himself want to always put a smile on her face

their friendship grows to the point where they see each other more than either of them see their actual mutual friend

they go out as often as they can, and it steadily falls into the weird line of “what are we?” between friends and lovers

eventually yoonmi actually just sits them down together “alright, talk it out. i don’t want to see either of you walk out of this cafe until you figure out what you are”

yes she is that friend

and that was the push they needed

yeonjun asked hannah if she was okay with making it official, and, of course, she agreed

this is in mid 2018 so yeonjun is still a trainee while hannah’s debuted like three times already

secret dates! all dates they have become extra secretive because now they’re actually official

fox couple superior!

they’d always have some type of little fox motif as their couple thing

fox keychains, little fox plushies and figurines, foxes on their phone cases, of course, the fox emoji

and the best thing about it or them is the fact that nobody questioned it since they were both the designated fox (or one of them in hannah’s case) of their groups

so yeonjun debuts and their friendship is made known to the public therefore everyone’s like “oh that’s so cute yoonmi was able to introduce the two to each other”

and they are pretty supportive of each other, listening to each other’s songs on vlive and all that

hannah makes fun of yeonjun for debuting with a cute concept at 21 which yeonjun can’t really fire back at because hannah’s cute concept debut was when she was 17

that pretty much sums up their relationship

hannah always pokes fun at yeonjun and usually he just pretends to sulk because he knows that his reactions amuse her

also he baby talks her a lot because he finds it funny when she gets sulky and pouty

due to the nature of all their secret dates, they never grew out of indoor activities

hannah would teach yeonjun about making clothes since they’re both interested in fashion

yeonjun would teach her how to play games because he swears they’re a huge stress reliever

they’d experiment with cooking or baking because why not, but the latter would usually end up with them covered in flour or powdered sugar

there’d also be tons of skinship bc have you seen yeonjun? this man will always have a hand resting on her knee or her thigh, an arm around her shoulder, a foot by her leg

then there’d be random cheek squishing or quick kisses that come out of nowhere which would usually end up in hannah pushing yeonjun away while he laughs at her

beside their playful dynamics, yeonjun becomes a safe place for her, and she becomes like a charging station for him

when things get too much for her and she feels like closing herself off, the first person mark would usually call is yeonjun because, for some reason, he’s able to keep her grounded with ease

when yeonjun gets drained especially from the pressure from expectations of him, seri calls hannah because she knows the elder would be able to reassure him that he’s amazing as he is

as for how long it would be until they’re discovered, they’d be outed on january 1 of 2020

they’d actually also be able to keep it hidden from the neos for about a few months and from the txties for almost half a year

bonus: they had a bet with markmi about who would get exposed first (spoiler: the foxes were exposed first but they were exposed on the same day)

bonus bonus: they have a child named yoon seri (aka seri tags along on their dates sometimes if they go to more public places) (seri is my txt oc btw if you don’t follow her)

#hannah.whatif #nct 24th member #nct female member #nct female addittion #hannah #lee hannah

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heroofpenamstan · 3 years

Text

—OC PROFILES: JOANNE & MICHAEL

tagged by the lovelies: @shallow-gravy, @shellibisshe, @belorage, @honeysides, @strafethesesinners, @faithchel, @blissfulalchemist! thank you, dears! x since i’m tragically late to the party as per usual, not going to be tagging anyone since i assume most of my mutuals have done it, but if you want to go right ahead and tag me too so i can see! :”)) also, fair warning: 80% of the questions i answered at ungodly hours overmedicated on paracetamol and it shows because re-reading this in the morning was a Yikes

GENERAL

name: joanne burton alias(es): jo, annie ( mike exclusive ), burton, dep, jr. deputy, rook, traitor, sinner, wrath/pain in the ass ( john exclusive ), rabbit ( jacob exclusive ), heinous fucking bitch—( also john exclusive ), black widow ( new dawn au ) gender: cis. female age: 29 birth: 30th october, 1988 place of birth: meridian, idaho spoken languages: english; may or may not recite some hebrew lines over the holidays sexual preference: bisexual occupation(s): junior deputy of hope county, montana/menace to all cultists everywhere ( in a certain radius of said hope county, montana, anyway )

APPEARANCE

eye colour: brown hair colour: black height: 157cm ( 5′2 ), or approximately 7′11 when balancing on michael’s shoulders to peer inside john’s windows scars: split right eyebrow ( thanks, jake ), minor cuts and incorrectly healed bruises and gashes, scarred bullet wound on left hip ( you’re welcome, jake )

FAVOURITE

colour: orange or yellow or cyan, or whatever is more stupidly eye-catching and not at all fit for her current environment song: i’ve been thinking by handsome boy modeling school food: various stir-fries, fruits and protein ( or anything that she claims to be “healthy” when, truly, bitch is one step away from living off of instant noodles and canned pineapple and cigarette buds from dutch’s stash ) drink: beerherbal teas and infusions

HAVE THEY

passed university: no, but passing the police academy was already a pleasant enough surprise for her had sex: today? no. two weeks ago? probably had sex in public: probably said two weeks ago gotten pregnant/ someone else pregnant: yes, but we don’t talk about it kissed a boy: yes ( derogatory ) kissed a girl: yes ( affectionate ) gotten tattoos: yes, loads: most were practice scribbles for her ex-girlfriend, and the only true meaningful one she possesses is lydia, scrawled into her pinky in remembrance. otherwise, john seed do not even engage with that rusty ass tattoo gun— gotten piercings: yes, loads multiplied; if there’s a place for a piercing in her ears, she has them. also, an old septum piercing she hasn’t worn in a hot second been in love: yes, loads squared ( girl rents out her heart on the weekdays and cries about the scratches she notices on saturday, but still repeats it all over again come monday; falling in love for her is easy, but actually loving someone and getting over her self-loathing to do so is a whole different ball game ) stayed up for more than 24 hours: she’s probably on hour 31 as we speak ( someone knock her out pls )

ARE THEY

a virgin: whitehorse has heard enough horror stories in the break room between her and joey to last him a lifetime a cuddler: closeted cuddler, yes a kisser: most definitely; woman has to play up her natural assets scared easily: her response time is too lagged for that jealous easily: depends; she’s more jealous of what she should have/could have/would have had in a general sense than being jealous of a particular person or a thing trustworthy: in her own way, yes dominant: disgustingly so submissive: not in this lifetime in love: very much so single: very much so part 2

RANDOM QUESTIONS (tw for self harm/suicide mention)

have they harmed themselves: yes, but it’s more by means of unintentional yet severe substance abuse thought of suicide: not as often as one would assume; joanne has a very strong sense of self-preservation, but tends to run from her bleak reality by means of one harmful way or the other attempted suicide: once or twice during her lowest points in life wanted to kill someone: on the daily have/had a job: girl had juggled three part-time jobs; there is nothing she fears anymore have any fears: ( see above ) to fall back into old bad habits, loss of control, death, failure, a bad future, poverty, being abandoned and forgotten, long stays at a hospital, the judges, the bliss, the power of john’s hair gel

FAMILY

sibling(s): micah burton ( older brother ) parent(s): abigail burton née belman ( mother ); jim burton ( father ) children: asher seed ( daughter in new dawn au ) significant other: jacob seed ( circumstantial lover/”could do without” mentor/#prisonwife #prisonhusband #imkidding #kinda ) pets: boomer for the cuddles, cheesecake for the throttles ( bitch naturally attracts the judges but will forget her dog 101 and run away like what does she think will happen then?? )

GENERAL

name: michael scott-hughes alias(es): mike, mikey, mickey ( mary may exlusive ), mike the bike/fall’s end’s bicycle, resistance’s poster boy, manwhore, cassanova, the archangel ( joseph exclusive ), the antichrist ( also joseph exclusive ), war dog, hughes boy ( fairgrave exclusive ) gender: cis. male age: 30 birth: 6th july, 1988 place of birth: fall’s end, montana spoken languages: english, russian, basic chinese mandarin and turkish sexual preference: pansexual occupation(s): residential shady, shady man ( international arm’s dealer, most recently demoted to local resistance leader and occasional general goods store co-owner )

APPEARANCE

eye colour: green hair colour: brown height: 181cm ( 5′11 ), and 6ft on tinder jkjk man’s confident enough to not grasp for that extra inch, unlike someone ( john ) scars: heavily burnt left hand ( from trying to fish out his ex girlfriend’s boiling corpse r.i.p. to that steaming puss— ), gash on his right temple, nicely healed gun wound on left shoulder, not so nicely healed amputated right hand ( man’s not having the best time in my canon, is he ), various incorrectly healed cuts and bruises

FAVOURITE

colour: green and rustics song: wild world by yusuf/cat stevens food: unlike the faker above, michael actually likes to cook and eat healthy meals, so anything from salads to veggies to oatmeal to soups will do ( and meat; man’s been a vegetarian for a grand total of 4 days in his entire life ( or 14, if you count the time he got abducted to john’s bunker womp )) drink: sugary drinkswhiskey, fresh juices, “water can be so, so sexy, annie—”

HAVE THEY

passed university: no, though michael really busted his ass to self-educate on subjects that will be beneficial to his line of work had sex: we stopped keeping tabs and numbers nearly ten years ago had sex in public: we stopped blinking at these types of shenanigans nearly ten years ago too gotten pregnant/ someone else pregnant: yes? no? maybe? ( mike’s too afraid to even think about it, but hopes he hasn’t fathered any babies any time soon ) kissed a boy: yes ( affectionate ) kissed a girl: yes ( affectionate² ) gotten tattoos: yes: the sword of damocles on his left inner forearm, intertwined snakes running across his right ribs, a tiny smiley face on his ass lord save him gotten piercings: yes, and everyone hated his attempt to revive the 90s with his lil earring like c’mon you already have a reputation of being a sleaze— been in love: yes, but surprisingly not as many times as one may think ( truthfully, three times: mary may, lana, joanne mary may again ) stayed up for more than 24 hours: sometimes it just cannot be helped

ARE THEY

a virgin: maybe in a past life as an amoeba a cuddler: yes ( try to escape his hold during a summer night i’ll give you 5 bucks if you can break the deadlock ) a kisser: he just exists to smooch at this point scared easily: truthfully, he’s quite desensitized as is, so it’s really hard to truly rock him jealous easily: no; though he might get a bit petty and bitter if someone mentions merle and mary may becuase, like, c’mon, mary—merle briggs? trustworthy: one of his better traits, but past events have shown that boy tends to lose some of his morals for love dominant: yes submissive: yes part 2 man will accommodate and switch it up in love: often single: loosely, often

RANDOM QUESTIONS (tw for self harm/suicide mention)

have they harmed themselves: michael has bad mental health trips stemming from having a lot of insecurities as a child; these may evolve into bad habits and pure recklessness on his part to prove his worth thought of suicide: these thoughts don’t come often, but when they do, it’s harder for him than most to shake them off and recover attempted suicide: once, during the boiling pit incident wanted to kill someone: yes, but it comes more from need than want usually have/had a job: yes, though no retail until he was 30 and stuck providing hope county with slugs and bullets have any fears: loneliness, rejection, abandonment, repercussions and consequences, not being good enough, powerlessness, loss, the angel pit, the process of dying

FAMILY

sibling(s): none, but: jackson hughes ( uncle ) parent(s): jessica hughes née scott ( mother ), david hughes ( father ) girl i have his whole family tree drawn up like you wouldn’t believe children: andrew hughes ( son in new dawn au and maybe canon ) significant other: mary may fairgrave ( childhood sweetheart/awkward ex/once in a rare cosmic event fuck buddy/volatile lovers ) pets: peaches loves him she doesn’t; she just wants to chew on his hair

#tag game #deputy joanne burton #michael s. hughes #oc: get to know jo #oc: build a bicycle #my stuff #far cry 5 oc

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lov3nerdstuff · 3 years

Text

Voluptas Noctis Aeternae {Part 7.21}

*Severus Snape x OC*

Summary: It is the year 1983 when the ordinary life of Robin Mitchell takes a drastic turn: she is accepted into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Despite the struggles of being a muggle-born in Slytherin, she soon discovers her passion for Potions, and even manages the impossible: gaining the favor of Severus Snape. Throughout the years, Robin finds that the not quite so ordinary Potions Professor goes from being a brooding stranger to being more than she had ever deemed possible. An ally, a mentor, a friend... and eventually, the person she loves the most. Through adventure, prophecies and the little struggles of daily life in a castle full of mysteries, Robin chooses a path for herself, an unlikely friendship blossoms into something more, and two people abandoned by the world can finally find a home.

General warnings: professor x student, blood, violence, trauma, neglectful families, bullying, cursing

Words: 5.8k

Read Part 1.1 here! All Parts can be found on the Masterlist!

______________________________

"Tell me again." Cas demanded as she snatched a piece of bacon off Simon's plate, while keeping her piercing gaze fixed on Robin. "Why are you wearing way fancier clothes than normal?"

"I told you that I'm not telling you, and that's not going to change no matter how many times you ask." Robin shrugged, then subtly moved her own bacon over to Simon to compensate for his loss. The boy thanked her with a small smile, but obviously didn't dare to interrupt the girls' conversation with words. So Robin looked back to Cas. "You'll just have to wait and see like everyone else. Showing some patience will do you good."

"I do have a suspicion." Jorien smirked quietly while Cas just pouted, and Robin quirked an eyebrow at her, which however didn't bother the girl at all. "You don't have to glare at me, I didn't plan on telling anyone."

"Good." Robin replied in an equally quiet tone, but she couldn't help the feeling that Jorien knew a lot more than she let on. Even more than she should know, perhaps. Oh well… only time could confirm that.

"I honestly can't believe that Professor Snape is going to do our dancing class!" Cas finally got over herself and continued with her usual morning-ramble that never failed to entertain at least half of the table they were residing at that day. "I mean, I did watch him while he was dancing with Robin last year, but I honestly can't imagine how he's going to cope with people having to touch him. Melissa and I saw how Professor Sprout put her hand on his arm last week while deep in conversation, and he literally flinched away before giving her a death glare. If you ask me, that man has some serious problems."

"Who do you think he's going to force to dance with him?" Gideon asked with a humoured huff, and Robin suddenly found herself glad that she never spoke much during meals. That way at least nobody thought her oddly quiet on the issue.

"Oh gods, I have no idea." Cas rolled her eyes exaggeratedly and then sighed. "I'm bloody curious nonetheless. I literally can't imagine him actually dancing today in the first place, and hadn't I seen it before, I promise you I would be entirely convinced that he can't dance at all."

"I'm pretty sure the entire school watched him dancing at last year's ball… Who would've thought that was ever in the realm of possibility." Gideon shrugged, then glanced at Robin. "Say, why did you even agree to dance with our very own dungeon bat? I think you might just be the only one who ever did."

Robin thought for a second about telling them that she had been the one to ask him in the first place, but that wouldn't really fit in with his 'scary professor' image and she wouldn't dare scraping at that. So she settled for a different truth, which came out a bit more harshly than intended. "I will gladly dance with him again any time, if that's what you're wondering about, and I would choose him over any of the imbeciles who think it necessary to insult him to flatter their own meek egos. I haven't ever had a better partner, and it was I who was lucky to have that dance indeed, so until you can keep up with that, you'd better be keeping your noses in your own business."

The group was quiet for a moment, while everyone was obviously feeling scolded by Robin's words, but she didn't bother rectifying her intentions. Should they know that she didn't appreciate it when they spoke badly of Snape, or subjected themselves to pathetic gossip and rumour. The only one who looked rather amused by the entire thing was Jorien, which in return put fuel to Robin's belief that the girl knew more than her peers.

"So, what do you think Lisa is going to wear to the ball, huh? Not that hideous thing she showed us in the magazines, hopefully…" Cas finally broke the silence, changing the topic as easily as if the awkwardness before hadn't happened at all, and when everyone engaged in cheerful chatting again, Robin was honestly glad for the average student's shallow approach to conversation. Sometimes, it truly was a gift that other people didn't overthink quite as much as she did herself.

Breakfast went by quickly from there on, without any more disconcerting questions or topics other than the ordinary kind, and once the meal was officially over, the great hall became increasingly more vacant. When the boys finally went to leave, Robin got up as well, but instead of accompanying them to the exit, she made her way to the head table unseen by those whose eye she was trying to avoid, and then spent the next few minutes discussing the terms of their bullshit bingo with Snape. They intentionally engaged in this topic of conversation rather than discussing something of actual importance, such as the impending dancing instruction, for that would have reminded both of them of the uncomfortable truth that by lunch, the entire school would likely be talking about this. About them, dancing. Last night, neither of them really had thought about the consequences of having to hide just how close they were while being in the center of public display like this, but then again, it didn't change a thing now that they were suddenly hyper aware of all the very real students around them. Students who were taking more and more interest in the two black-clad figures standing where once the head table had been even after everyone else was gone. Robin's face was set in calm neutrality as always, just like Snape wore his usual scowl, but when they looked at each other once more for a brief moment of reassurance, Robin knew that they both had made their decision, and now they would go through with it. Happily, and without a hint of regret whatsoever. She almost would've smiled to herself when she turned back towards the students ahead of them, and mirrored his stance with her arms crossed behind her back while they watched the dunderheads in silence. Public display or not, this would be over soon, and she would enjoy it as good as possible.

When the hall was finally cleared of tables and seats, and it was just the fourth year Slytherins on one side and the Ravenclaws on the other, all it took was for Snape to move a few steps towards the middle of the hall for everyone to fall silent within seconds. The sheer power he held over people with his mere presence still gave Robin chills, but unlike the effect he had on everyone else in the room, those chills were very much pleasant ones for her. The neutrality on her face stayed set in stone nonetheless, and for a while she merely listened to him explaining the common ordeal much like McGonagall had, but with one subtle difference. She had explained dancing as a cultural custom, a form of etiquette much like properly using one's cutlery, with a clear focus on getting the movements right and sustaining a sense of elegance. Snape however had a bit of a different understanding of what it meant to dance, and Robin couldn't help being mesmerized by the deeper meaning behind his not-quite-so shallow explanation; to him, dancing obviously was an art. It was like a dialogue without words, a mutual understanding of giving and taking with equal care and attention. A game of control and surrender, and yet of equality and trust. Foremost, it was all about one's partner, and not about upholding an outside appearance. That perhaps was the only part he worded quite as directly as Robin knew he meant it, but she had no idea how much of this actually got through to the students. Then again, what wasn't there to understand about the delicacy of a swift and smooth waltz? Going by the looks on the students' faces, obviously a lot.

After the unintentional poetry that seemed entirely wasted on most people currently present, Snape went on to explain the actual dance. Six basic steps, no more and no less, but Robin didn't particularly listen to that part for more than the constant flow of his voice. Instead, she sought out Cas and Jorien in the group of Slytherins, and as her eyes traveled over the students, she found herself surprised by just how many of the faces she had seen before. The vast majority of the fourth years was almost familiar to her at this point, and the rest at least somewhat recognizable. She'd never realized that she'd tutored almost all of them before. But what were their names again…? Good gods, her respect for her teachers grew an ineffable amount for memorizing hundreds upon hundreds of names like it was nothing. How did they do that anyway?

Lost in thought and silent question to herself, she missed the rousing of whispers around the room, the glances thrown at her, and was only drawn out of her head when Snape's voice suddenly sounded from right next to her.

"It is time." He said almost under his breath, in a soft tone that would very well betray his indifferent expression if anyone else would have heard but Robin. Then he offered a hand to her in a simple and silent question, which brought the faintest smile to Robin's lips in return. Of course he wouldn't actually ask, at least not with about fifty pairs of eyes fixed on them quite so intently.

"They're all staring at us…" She breathed with a hint of a smile, then placed her hand in his and ignored the surge of electricity that ran up her arm upon the brush of skin against skin. "Well, at least you have their fullest attention now."

"We do." He corrected quietly as he led her back to the middle of the hall, under the careful watch and quiet commentary of their students, before stopping short and drawing her closer to himself. Robin's hands found their destined places without conscious thought while Snape's did the same, and while she wanted to sigh at the gentle warmth of his palm pressing against her back, she also wanted to smile when he almost leaned into her touch in return. It wasn't a visible reaction, obviously, and neither did she give one herself, but rather a common feeling that fell over them like a soothing blanket of safety and belonging. Her thoughts didn't linger however when a soft music started playing out of nowhere as soon as they had found their positions, and with the easy grace that was to be expected of a proper waltz, they started moving through the wide space of the hall.

It really was quite like he had explained, a wordless dialogue spoken entirely with the eyes in a lingering gaze, and a fixed focus solemnly on each other in the shared movements of the dance. Before long Robin couldn't help smiling a little more brightly than her facade of neutrality could cover up for, but she honestly couldn't care less about it. How was she supposed to hide both her feelings for Snape AND the joy of dancing with him? Impossible. Thus, as it seemed, showing a bit of the lesser evil was the best she could do, and if she looked closely enough, he seemed to be fighting a similar war within himself.

It was much too soon when the musical piece floated to an end on its last notes, and they came to a stand in the middle of the room, which oddly enough had remained quite silent throughout the whole endeavour. Robin's chest was heaving ever so slightly –it had been a while since she'd gotten so much exercise– and she had trouble tearing her eyes away from his, even after the broken second it took her to remember the many students gawking at them. Her smile dimmed down the remaining bit back into neutral territory, she focused on calming her breathing, and finally also took a step backwards to an appropriate distance to her partner. The roaring fire inside of her however didn't dim down in the least, and as she held his gaze for a moment longer, she had no doubt he got a clear view of just that in her eyes. It made the corners of her lips quirk up for a fraction of a second, which elicited much the same reaction from him for an even shorter moment, before he finally turned back towards the students in complete professor mode and with the usual grandeur and billowing robes. Instead of smiling at his antics like she wanted to, Robin merely crossed her arms behind her back with his mirrored signature indifference painted on her face and thought about the last five minutes.

All in all, they had done remarkably well; to the students, it had been nothing but a factual demonstration of a dance, that much she could read on their faces now. It was odd, really, and oh so typical that all of Snape's and even her own microexpressions had gone unnoticed by the majority of students at least. If it hadn't, there surely would be more glances and whispers now. Instead, most of the students simply looked either bored or eager to start practicing themselves, and that really was as good an outcome as she could've hoped for. No one suspected a thing. Brilliant!

Snape briefly gave a few more instructions for the following practice session, effectively threatening everyone to stay in line, and while the students then more or less reluctantly paired up to try their luck, he came to stand next to Robin once again.

"Thank you for a perfect dance." His voice took on the same quiet tone as before, and Robin didn't miss the subtle brush of his arm against her shoulder as he moved past her. She had to smile before she could help it, while her poor pathetic heart skipped more than just one beat.

"Anytime." She breathed in return, and after the second it took her to get a grip on herself now again, they both went on to do just as planned; instructing the dunderheads in the art of dancing, and playing their little game of slightly modified bullshit bingo on the side.

It really was quite a blessing that McGonagall had given them the shorter time frame before lunch, for in no time at all it was nearing noon, and the lesson came to an end when the tables had to be put back into place for the meal. Funnily enough, the students' practice had been more than successful, and in comparison to Robin's memories, the young Slytherins and Ravenclaws had done a whole lot better now than the mixed Slytherin and Gryffindor students under McGonagall's tutelage back then. While the students settled down at the tables that were put back into place, Robin told Snape about her observation –not without a sense of pride, admittedly– and he seemed more than pleased with her words as well. Not that he would ever admit that much while in public, but Robin could tell by the not-smirk and the fairly smug expression he gave McGonagall when she showed up for lunch entirely oblivious to the conversation that had taken place seconds before. That, and he had won at their game by far, which also served to brighten his mood enough to actually show. Yes, for a more or less spontaneous dancing lesson on a gloomy Saturday morning, they really had done their very best, and had –against all odds– had quite a bit of fun on the side.

When the other professors started appearing at the head table in a shocking eagerness not for the impending lunch but for the hottest gossip about the recent dancing class, Robin took it as her cue to leave. She did feel sorry to leave Snape for their curiosity to prey on, but there was nothing she could do other than giving him an encouraging smile and say 'laters' in the hopes he would know that he still had their afternoon plans which he could look forward to. If he was remotely as happy about them as she was, that is. But then again, finishing their experimental potion and taking a walk in the snow were rather lovely prospects indeed.

With an almost defeated sigh, Robin finally made for the Ravenclaw table where Jorien and Cas had already taken a seat and were now chatting (or rather bickering) away like always.

"Hey guys… how'd you like the dancing?" She asked as she flopped down on the bench next to Jorien, for the space next to Cas was obviously reserved for the boys who had yet to appear. "Both of you did quite well, actually, if you'd fancy to hear my opinion on it."

The girls fell silent in but a second, and then continued to stare at Robin for a moment in an unspoken agreement that made her uneasy. Had she said something wrong? It was just supposed to be a compliment…

"Are we really doing this?" Cas asked in return, ignoring the previous question entirely.

"Yes we are." Jorien chuckled. "It's Robin, what did you expect?"

"Nothing but this, actually."

"Right?!"

"Guys!" Robin protested with a frown, and alternating glances between both of them. "What's going on? Explain."

"Did you know that you smiled while dancing with Snape?" Cas asked with a smug smile of her own. "Not enough for anyone else to take special notice of, obviously, but we've known you and your subtlety for years now. It was hard to miss that you actually smiled for once."

"And?" Robin raised an eyebrow at her in return, and she had a vague feeling where this conversation was going. Not good.

"You never smile." Cas replied with a huff in amusement. "You smirk, or sneer, but you never smile."

"Of course I smile! Quite often even." She defended herself immediately, but as she ran through her memories of instances where she'd knowingly smiled, she came to realize that the majority if not all of them had been in the sole company of one potions professor. Oh dear.

"You don't, Robin. Hardly ever, and even then it's not like an actual happy smile. Nor is it sincere like this one." Jorien added in a bit more mildly, but no less amused. "It was nice to see what you look like when you truly enjoy yourself."

The heat crept up and along Robin's neck and onto her cheeks in an instant, while the churning of her stomach grew a bit too strong to merely indicate a timely desire for lunch. Bloody hell, she hadn't really thought about how the girls might perceive the situation… they did know her a lot better than any of the other students indeed, and that might very well lead to some unforeseen consequences. It already had, obviously. Damnit.

"Well, and so what? I did enjoy myself a lot while dancing, yes. I already told you during breakfast that he's the best partner I've ever had, so logically I do enjoy dancing with him. Otherwise I'd hardly have volunteered to help him with the lesson." She tried to shrug it off like she often did when she didn't want to talk about an issue. Playing things down, and distracting the opponents by giving small chunks of the truth on other areas. "He's my friend, of course I'd help him with the class. Especially when McGonagall just asked him to do it out of the blue last night."

"Oh, so he's your friend now, huh?" Cas grinned, and Jorien smacked her in the shoulder across the table, much to the blond girl's irritation. "What, I didn't say anything wrong! Before now, Robin always rather made a point of it that they're just working together."

"It's not supposed to become known that we're friends, alright? It might give people the wrong impressions, so keep your voices down, yes?" Robin gave both girls a pointed look, and they reluctantly nodded in agreement. "So, perhaps I did smile while dancing with him. I like him, and I like dancing with him. Is there an issue with that?"

"No!" Cas replied in an instant, with rising eyebrows and an apologetic expression. "Of course not, rather on the contrary!"

Robin gave her a questioning frown in return, but before she could make an attempt to ask just what she meant by that, Jorien jumped in.

"What Cas means is that it's nice to know that you two are close to each other." She said with a diplomatic expression, then however with a smirk at Robin. "And it certainly explains why the years of trying to get you to date someone were entirely wasted."

"I don't see how that correlates." Robin replied flatly, with a too perfect neutral facade to actually be indifferent, and both younger girls snorted in an instant.

"Oh come on!" Cas was back at grinning widely, but at least she kept her voice down like she'd been asked to. "You might be able to fool everyone else, but you can't tell us that you're not totally crushing on him!"

"Ballroom dancing is the most open expression of sexuality the past times had to offer, and you two are honestly the perfect example of it. Quite rude of you though, to lie when we asked you about your crushes on your birthday…" Jorien added in with a smirk and one raised eyebrow that reminded Robin too much of herself. "Because whatever this is between you and him, it's certainly been going on for a lot longer than that."

"I didn't lie." Robin defended herself quietly. She was slowly running out of ideas for how to get out of this situation without anyone taking too much damage in the process. "I never lie. You guys know that."

"I still don't believe you. You're extremely subtle about it, I'll give you that, but you definitely act differently around him than with anybody else I've ever seen you with." Cas stated it as a matter of fact that didn't leave any room for Robin to effectively protest while sticking to the truth. "I don't remotely understand why, and it really is quite weird to think about, but you are definitely attracted to him. Why don't you just admit to what we already know anyway?"

"I do not have a crush, okay?!" Robin's patience was wearing thinner and thinner the more students filed into the room who might overhear the conversation. It was bad enough that her roommates had caught onto matters; she didn't need the rest of the school to know as well. Least of all the person in discussion. "Just leave it be."

"I really don't know why you're being so defensive about it." Cas rolled her eyes exaggeratedly. "In an odd way it's really kinda cute. You and him, I mean. You're pretty similar to each other. The more I think about it, the more I ship it."

"I don't even want to know what that means, but will you please just shut up about it now?" Robin groaned under her breath and resisted the temptation to rest her face in her hands in despair. That would draw way too much unwanted attention to her now. "You're making a fool of yourself."

"To be honest, I also think you're a good match." Jorien shrugged, but her words were spoken in all honesty no less. "Definitely uncommon, but rather sweet indeed. I've always wondered who on earth might be able to keep up with you, but I guess I've been too blind to see the answer right in front of me."

"I cannot believe you two!" Robin scoffed in sincere discomfort now. Why on earth did they have to torture her like that, after already finding out a secret she'd been hiding perfectly well for over four bloody years?! "You really are being ridiculous, just listen to yourselves. What on earth would he want with me, huh? Remember who you are talking about; it's a miracle that he deems me bearable enough to be my friend in the first place."

"So you do admit to having a crush on him then?"

"Stop. It. Now." Robin hissed at Cas with a glare that made the girl squirm in her seat. "I do not have a crush on anyone, and if you little chits refuse to stop nagging me about it, you will have to find yourselves a new tutor who puts up with your nonsense."

Yes, lashing out at them wasn't really the fairest thing to do, Robin was well aware of that. But she was hurt and annoyed and honestly, they would have forgotten about it by dinnertime already anyway. She just couldn't take any more tinder to the stupid flame of hope that was just roaring back to life now, especially not after last night. She had to trample and suffocate it right in this instant, before she would burn herself and quite possibly drag some collateral right down into the depth of destruction with her. So yes, it was an overreaction to their usual teenage behaviour, but it was a necessary overreaction to keep at least part of her sanity intact.

"I understand." Jorien was the first to speak up for once, and the smile and ease on her face made way for seriousness. "I understand that we were wrong about assuming that you have a crush on him; he's only your best friend, and you don't crush on your best friend. After all, you told us that much on your birthday already, and you don't ever lie."

"Yes! Thank you!" Robin rolled her eyes at her own scoff, but somehow the girl's words only now sunk in when it was too late already.

"Huh… so that's why you never told us who your best friend was. I admit, it all makes an odd amount of sense now that the two pieces become one." Jorien said with a surprised little huff, but Robin only took notice of how her own body became dead weight with a start. Her thoughts were tumbling over each other in panic and confusion and the growing urge to run, while Cas merely frowned at her in confusion. The hall was too warm all of a sudden, and void of air to breathe.

"You tricked me." Robin's lips formed the words without her conscious intention. "If I wasn't quite so furious about it, I would be proud."

"Well, I just put the pieces together." Jorien replied with an almost triumphant half smile. "And it's not like you were ever going to tell us. But I just had to know."

"Of course you did." Robin's voice came out cold and sharp and still somewhat indifferent, for now the pain and anger were gone with a start. She just felt numb, and perhaps a little betrayed. No, actually a lot.

"So… what?" Cas frowned at both of them in confusion. "Who's who now? What the hell are you talking about?"

"I'm sure Jorien will explain it to you. She's got it all figured out now, doesn't she…" Robin replied coldly and tried to get up from the bench at last, to get out of this situation even at the cost of her own lunch, but a surprisingly strong grip held her down. Damn her short legs, really… why on earth did a fifteen year old have to be taller than her?

"Don't go… please, I'm sorry." Jorien said, and at least she sounded sincerely apologetic as she removed her hand from Robin's arms. "I didn't mean to upset you. Really. I just… I had to know if I was right."

Something in Robin deflated at the girl's sad words and pale blue eyes, and she slumped back down in her seat with a sigh. Damn her own empathy… damn the parts of herself she kept seeing in her. She just wanted to be mad in peace, but with Jorien apologising and Cas entirely confused, she found that she could uphold neither the numbness nor the anger.

"Sometimes being right isn't as nice as it seems." Robin finally said, but she didn't look at Jorien even once while doing so. "I'd gladly be wrong sometimes just to spare people the pain of truth."

"I didn't consider that."

"I know. Try to think about the reasons people keep things to themselves the next time you figure out their personal matters." She sighed, and while Jorien nodded, Robin turned to Cas. "And you… perhaps it'll help you to know that I only have and ever had one friend who isn't currently a student here."

"I still don't get it." Cas frowned with a rather helpless expression, and while Robin just sighed in defeat again, Jorien climbed over the still empty table in sheer annoyance, then grabbed her friend by the tie and aggressively whispered something in her ear that made her eyes go wide. So much for secrets, really… at least she was hissing quietly.

"So…" Cas started, with a weary and yet astonished expression, while Jorien climbed back over the table into her own seat. "You didn't lie after all. You really don't just have a crush on him…"

"I'm not saying a single word more on the matter." Robin shut her straight back down and finally got a grip on her emotions, forcing them all into submission and behind the neutrality. It didn't actually matter that they knew; they had kept quiet about her secrets before, and they would do it again now. They knew better than to mess with her, didn't they?

"You don't have to say anything." Jorien replied with a sigh, as she flopped back down in her seat. "But I think you're wrong if you think that he doesn't feel the same way about you. If he knows it or not."

"Yeah, just take the way he looks at you…" Cas added, while Robin kept on pretending to ignore both of them. "Like you're the answer to the universe's greatest questions nobody but him yet dared to ask."

"Cas! That's an oddly fitting description for the complexity of the issue, I'm thoroughly impressed!" Jorien smiled at her friend with an incredulous frown; obviously Robin wasn't the only one surprised by Cas' sudden string of poetic wisdom.

"Oh, those are Simon's words actually." Cas shrugged easily. "He's said a few times how S-... someone always looks at Robin like that, but I always dismissed it as him trying to be funny. Well, until I saw it for myself today. And he is SO right about it, he'll love that."

"You are not telling Simon about any of this." Robin snapped before she could help it. Damn her fast mouth, honestly, but this was not going anywhere else from here!

"But-..."

"No."

"He's-..."

"No."

"Fine." Cas rolled her eyes exaggeratedly, then leaned forward onto her arms that she had crossed on the tabletop. "But honestly Robin, you spend every day and night with him, he lets you use his classroom and his lab and he willingly goes on all those weird excursions with you… I doubt that there's anything he wouldn't do for you, now that I think about it."

"You probably have him all wrapped around your finger. You're just too oblivious or too deep in denial to see it." Jorien added with a smirk a mere second later, and Cas nodded in agreement.

"I wish to extend my previous statement: neither of us is losing another word about this from now on!" Robin stated, then motioned towards the entrance. "The boys are finally moving their lazy arses over here, and I officially declare the previous topic to be over and done with for now and the future."

"Fine. For now." Jorien shrugged, then gave Robin another pointed look. "But remember our words, at least: There is literally nothing that man wouldn't do for you, and we all know there is only one reason for that. You don't have to believe us, but at least give the reality around you a chance before burying yourself in all those delusions you hide behind. You aren't the type to let fear control your life, so open your eyes for God's sake!"

Robin glowered at Jorien until Cas kicked her under the table, giving both of them an overly cheerful but obviously feigned smile, which made Robin redirect her scowl indeed. Jorien however just snorted at Cas' expression, then Cas started chuckling as well, and finally Robin couldn't help the smile tugging at her lips either. They were horrible, really, a bunch of bloody dunderheads, but they also were annoyingly supportive sometimes. False hope they were giving her or not, it at least made Robin happy that her friends were trying to help her. And if they were so easily accepting of the subject of her affections, even if he wasn't technically someone they liked much, they really must care about her wellbeing and happiness quite a bit to still push her in that direction. That thought, the fact that they actually cared, was a good enough outcome of the conversation; the rest would do well to stay buried in the shadows where it belonged. Delusions or not.

"Ladies…" Gideon greeted them with a large grin as he sat down on the bench next to Cas, making it quiver even as Simon took a seat on the girl's other side. "Good noon to you all."

"Your good mood is disgusting." Michael grumbled as he took on his usual perch next to Jorien, who greeted him with a mere nod. She still managed to politely maneuver around any and every of his advances without a word, and by now he had mostly given up on it and moved on to try for a casual friendship like he had with everyone else instead. Didn't change the fact that Michael looked positively pissed at Gideon, and glared at him from across the table now. "He's already finished his bloody charms essay and keeps rubbing it in our faces."

"Prideful, are we? How terribly Slytherin of you, especially for a Ravenclaw." Robin smirked at Gideon, and the remainder of the group chuckled in agreement. Yeah, they really were a big bunch of dunderheads. But sometimes, in little moments like this, Robin found that she didn't actually mind being one of them.

______________________________

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ghostly-roses · 3 years

Text

1. Introduction

Name (last, first): Bunjaku

Nickname(s): Daifuku (a traditional Japanese sweet)

Age: 17-19

Species: Human

Gender: Nonbinary Male

Pronouns: He/Him, They/Them

Sexual Orientation: Pansexual Polyamorous

Birthday: June 28

Life Story: Bunjaku is a minor returning character in the hubtown and is usually sought out by Jakotsu because of his sexuality and openness about his attraction to other men. He was sold into a brothel by his family when caught in a relationship with another teenage boy of a high ranking family who was engaged to a girl of a similar ranking family. He and the boy talked about leaving their town to be together, but after the boy’s father heard of this, everything fell apart. The boy was forced to face Bunjaku in a sword match to the death for his ‘betrayal’ to his family. He only managed to leave a cut on Bunjaku’s cheek before he turned around and said everything between the two of them was a lie. He was just trying to run away from responsibility and his duties to his family. Just because he was being childish didn’t mean Bunjaku needed to die. Due to this event and his family disowning him, Bunjaku doesn’t feel like he can emotionally let people too close to him. Otherwise, he would be in a relationship with one (or more) of his clients.

Though the word nonbinary didn’t exist at the time when asked, Bunjaku explains he doesn’t strongly feel he is male or female, but somewhere in the middle or neither. He does use male pronouns, but when strangers address him as ‘them’ he secretly feels validated. His nickname Daifuku was given to him by Jakotsu because of how sweet he is.

He works as a kagema, or male prostitute, in the hub town (Kyoto as of now). He presents himself much like Jakotsu. Bunjaku is very flamboyant, but very soft spoken. He wears a loosely tied yukata with one sleeve on, one sleeve off, and his hair tied back in a low ponytail that he often brushes over his right shoulder.

Fun Fact: Bunjaku’s reincarnation, named Bushimichi (Buu for short), is/was a part of a fanfiction called Inu Generations where Jakotsu, Bankotsu, and Kagura are granted new lives and are tasked with taking care of and raising InuYasha’s granddaughter and Sesshomaru’s grandson. Buu is romantically interested in Bankotsu, and helps Ban embrace his bisexuality (I ship him with Jakotsu, and since Ban states he finds Kikyo attractive, bisexual it is. Welcome to my shit headcanon.)

2. About Him/Her

Alignment: True Neutral/Neutral Good

Personality: Sweet, Soft-spoken, Nurturing, Positive, Encouraging, Reasonably Distant, Social Butterfly, Extroverted (but has ambivert-like tendencies), Bit of Goofball

Good Habit(s): He has a tendency to brush his ponytail over his right shoulder. He usually does it out of habit, but when embarrassed, surprised, flustered, or experiencing strong emotions he’ll either grab at it to somewhat hide his face and/or play with the tip of it. It’s also a strong tell if he has something on his mind when he’s by himself.

Bad Habit(s): He’s not in a place that he can be completely open with anyone. He has people in his life he’s close with, but he does keep a bit of a distance so he won’t get hurt by others. Bunjaku is willing to talk about this and his past if in the right mood and mind set, but if not he’ll say it’s too painful and that he’s trying to move pasted it. He has periods of laziness where he spends a lot of time sleeping and just generally lazing about.

Like(s): He actually likes his job. It has its bad sides, but he really likes to get to know his clients. He likes to make them feel welcome, and hear their stories. When he’s not working he’s either chatting with the yujo or their clients.

Dislike(s): He hates not being taken seriously because of how he looks, how he presents himself, or his sexuality. It’s one of the few things that actually gets a rise out of him. He doesn’t want to be a ‘man’s man’.

Hobbies: Socializing, Sleeping, Playing with Cho

Strength(s): He is a very friendly and positive person that people gravitate towards.

Weakness(es): Due to his babyface, some of his male clients and other males have tried to forcefully have their way with Bunjaku. The women of the brothel are increasingly protective of him, and will secretly check on him and his clients.

Special Powers/Abilities: N/A

Extras: People usually have a distinct perception of him. He is the living embodiment of a cavity, and is too sweet. He’s also not the biggest fan of sweeter foods.

3. Dreams and Talents

Ambition/Life-long Dream: Find a loving partner(s) and settle down

Occupation/Job: Kagema (Male Prostitute)

Best Class(es): Daggers and Knives

Worst Class(es): All other weapons

4. Family and Friends

Parent(s): Mother, Father

Sibling(s): Two Sisters

Relative(s): Aunt, Cousins

Pet(s): Cho, a stray kitten he found trying to catch a butterfly.

Best Friend(s): N/A

Friend(s): Mitsuha, Amaya, Jakotsu, Shin’ichi

Crush(es): Jakotsu and some other clients

Rival(s): One or two of the yujoes

Enemies: N/A

5. InuYasha Information

If you're a demon, what kind of demon are you?: N/A

Alliance: Yujo of the brothel, and most of his clients

Do you have jewel shards?: No

If so, how many?: 0

Weapon(s): Dagger (Only for protection, he wears it around his upper thigh when walking around.)

6. Looks and Appearance

Body Type/Looks: Ectomorph/Rectangle/Average Height, but on the thinner side (He’s meant to look like the stereotypical uke from yaoi.)

Blood Type: O-

Height: 5”6

Weight: 150 - 160 lbs

Outfit(s): Peach Yukata with a Plum Blossom (Ume) Motif

Accessories: Red Hair Ribbon

Makeup: None

Scent: Regular human

Hairstyle(s): Low ponytail

Scars, Tattoos, Jewelry and/or Piercings: Scar across his right cheek

Appearance [if you don't have a picture, just delete this]: Androgynous as fuck

7. Extra Information

Theme Song/Quote: “As with the butterfly, adversity is necessary to build character in people.” - Joseph B. Wirthlin

“Just living is not enough,” said the butterfly, “one must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower.” - Hans Christian Anderson

Cherry Blossom Shower - Okami Soundtrack

Favorite Food(s): Savory and Sour Foods

Favorite Color(s): Peach, Light purples

Favorite Number(s): 8

Favorite Season(s): Spring

Favorite Holiday(s): Flower Festivals

Favorite Time of Day: Dawn

Theme: Flowers?

What would you like to happen? [Any specific ideas? Anything particular that you'd like to happen? It can just be a word, too. Something for me to work from.]:

8. Character Opinions [What Your OC thinks about the characters]

Band of Seven: They’re all friendly with me, but I only have connections to Jakotsu and Bankotsu. Though, they all agreed I have a nice ass. That was a fun night!

Bankotsu: I don’t know him the greatest, but I tried to comfort him about his possible attraction to the same sex. He was very defensive and confused about the exchange.

Jakotsu: He is a regular client of mine when in town. Though he can be rough with me, he always makes sure I feel comfortable and effectively babies me during aftercare and anytime we’re in public together.

After Story: Five or six years after hearing the news of the Band of Seven being executed, Bunjaku is approached by what seems to be an old client he hasn’t seen in years with a woman by his side. The old client is named Kazuo and the woman is Tsuya. They ask to speak with Bunjaku after he’s done working.

“So what didn’t you want to talk about, Kazuo? Wanting to catch up?”

He and his wife looked at each other awkwardly before explaining the ‘situation’. Kazuo introduced his wife, Tsuya, to Bunjaku. Bunjaku was thrilled to know Kazuo has a partner and has settled down. Kazuo went on to explain that despite being married, he still had strong feelings for Bunjaku, and that his wife was comfortable with the idea of him having a male partner. Bunjaku was incredibly taken aback, and fingered at his ponytail out of habit.

“U-uhmm,...if we were going t-to do this, I-I’d like to-uh...get to know your wife first. J-Just so everything is, uh, no one is, we aren’t, uh-I’m not overstepping any boundaries.”

Tsuya chimed in, “He’s just as sweet and cute as you said he was!” causing Bunjaku to blush even more than he already was, and hide his face behind his ponytail and hands.

Kazuo and Bunjaku’s relationship started out slowly. Communication between the three was open and honest. While he and Kazuo were getting more intimate, Bunjaku and Tsuya were getting closer, and some sparks began to fly. Soon enough, the two come to the conclusion that they were falling in love as well. The three of them eventually sat down and the husband and wife declaration their mutual love for Bunjaku. The trio of now lovers agreed that all partners were allowed to be intimate.

The triad lived very happily together for about a year or two until Tsuya fell pregnant. They didn’t know if the child’s father was Bunjaku or Kazuo, but all of them were excited about the new arrival. Bunjaku’s mention of the name Aiko (love child) was what they decided to name the baby girl when she was born. They had one more child between them, another girl named Honoka (harmony flower). It wouldn’t be until years later that the father of each child became more evident. Aiko looked and acted more like Bunjaku, while the same could have been said for Honoka and Kazuo. The girls were two years and three months apart.

Years later while shopping with a young Aiko, Bunjaku saw a face that used to haunt his dreams. It was the boy, now man, that was the first love of his life and the reason for the scar on his right cheek. The man recognized Bunjaku, stopped him, and awkwardly explained that he did indeed love Bunjaku and apologized about the scar. The interaction was bittersweet for the both of them. It gave them both some kind of closure, but it left the man wondering what could have been if he stood up for the two of them when they were young teenagers.

A/N: Thank you for reading and sorry about any typos! I can only find so many errors when editing things myself.

InuYasha Bio Template: https://www.deviantart.com/aamlchu/art/InuYasha-Character-Bio-Template-805061013

Amaya and her bio: https://www.deviantart.com/aamlchu/art/Amaya-with-Chibi-Ban-Jak-and-Sui-With-Bio--800211364

#inuyasha #inuyasha oc #yashahime #inuyasha Jakotsu #Jakotsu #Bunjaku #non-binary #nonbinary #non binary character #oc #my art #my oc art #polyamory #triad

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strazem · 3 years

Text

I noticed that I’ve been getting blocked by a lot of Ososan artists lately and... At this point I’m sure it’s because of bad rumors and misinfo getting spread about me in discord servers. I’m going to put a lot of this under a readmore because I don’t want to clog people’s dashes with this, but I really want to clear the air here as I feel like there are a lot of things being left out of the narratives people are telling about me, and also the fact this is still happening and has been for four-five years, isolating me from a lot of the ososan community and hurting me in a very deep way...

Now, first off, I’m not here to say that over the past 4-5 years I wasn’t immature and childish. There were many times where I was, even to the point the behaviors could be seen as abusive or toxic even if that wasn’t the intention. I was in my early to mid 20s and had serious issues with oversharing my thoughts and feelings with people I really only knew casually, usually to the point of making them uncomfortable. I would also use all caps a lot, not really realizing the effect it had on people, making others feel like they were being shouted at. I would also act immaturely when I saw that other roleplay blogs were getting more attention than mine, even though the ones I had were for OCs, which meant that of course canon characters would get more traction.

Again, I was very young and not very socially developed. I am by no means trying to use my autism as an excuse, but rather an explanation.

Prior to getting into Ososan around 2016, I did not have any “real life” friends, that is, friends I knew in person. I did not know anyone my age and socializing was, and still is pretty limited to just my immediate family. Almost all of my interactions were online, and even that I struggled with. I had recently gotten out of an abusive relationship as well, and was just starting college. I did not think about how others felt enough and was too concerned with saying my piece and sharing my own opinions, making everything about me or about how I felt, and less about the other person. Again, this is something I’ve struggled with for most of my life as part of my ASD, but I’m still not excusing it by any means, especially considering the fact that other people ended up hurt.

I think the main issue was how immature and self-focused I was if I’m being honest, and how I would tend to make everything about me and how I felt and what I made.

My intentions were always good, that never changed. But as people have stated to me before, good intentions don’t mean anything if the outcome is bad. My immaturity really ended up hurting a lot of other people’s feelings and causing a lot of resentment, and I am by no means saying that anyone has to forgive me or be “ok” with me.

What I do wish though is that perhaps people who I have had struggles with in the past could refrain from spreading biased opinions of me to people who have never even met me. I understand wanting to support your friends, and I also understand that when someone you know tells you someone is “bad news”, it’s natural to take their word for it, especially if they only show screenshots of me at my lowest rather than when I was trying my absolute best to be a good friend, despite my immaturity.

However, I’ll be honest and say that I do think that this behavior in general seems counterproductive and perhaps even concerning... If there’s someone that upset me in my past, I don’t tell others or divulge about them to new people I meet unless I felt they did something actually illegal. I remember misinforming about someone in the ososan community based on false claims and I still feel guilty about it to this day, so I’ve also been guilty of this in the past. It’s also important to keep in mind that if someone is really making someone out to sound terrible or horrible that there is usually a bias clouding their perception. I've sat and reflected a lot on my own biases these past five years in therapy, and at the end of the day, I don’t think most people have bad intentions, at least not lonely kids in a small fandom. I think it’s a lot of miscommunication, lack of confrontation, and fear rather than any malicious intent.

Because if there’s one thing I know that I’m not, it’s a manipulator. I straight up do not have the social intelligence for that. I would all caps, I would get upset and leave chats and worry people, I would go on rants that people couldn’t talk me down from, or get too emotionally volatile, or put my own emotional issues onto other people by panicking and venting and putting on a scary and upsetting scene, but I never tried to manipulate anyone or turn anyone’s friends against them. The only two instances I can think of that even come close to me “warning” anyone about someone (and not for blm*tsu related reasons) happened in 2018 and 2019, well after all of this was (I assumed) done with.

Most of my issues that people have gotten upset with me for was regarding my social immaturity, self-centeredness, altercations, public panic attacks, public mental breakdowns and a tendency to go off on emotional and heated rants, especially in public areas and in public chats. That’s why this thing about me being a manipulator seems misinformed to me, because I’ve never been great at DMing or talking to others one on one, I think anyone that’s known me will agree. Many of these altercations happened in public group chats.

I’m assuming that many of the bad rumors being spread about me are regarding my skype days back in 2016-2017, back before discord became the new norm for online chatting and servers and such, as well as a very specific “drama” that happened on anti-bl oso-twitter concerning people that had met in an osomatsu-san kin discord server (which I was not in or even knew about).

Essentially, I befriended some of these people on twitter through people that had been in my second skype roleplay group (the first one I made was in 2016 I believe). I was unaware of any previous dramas or issues and was even unaware that said “person of interest” was even upset with me or thought I was toxic or bad. I had figured we had just stopped talking due to naturally drifting apart. Of course, in my young and naive mind, before understanding “social media etiquette” I went to go ask them why they had blocked me on twitter (I had started being active on twitter during that time.)

And of course, in my immaturity, was freaking out and panicking about having been blocked by someone I thought was a friend to people in my second roleplay group chat... As always... Ugh.. It wasn’t anything malicious though, just confusion and me being scared I had done something wrong.

One member in the roleplay group though, who I guess was a member of the osomatsu-san kin discord, started going off about said “person of interest”, claiming they had gotten their friend into a car accident and that they had groomed minors. Another person in the roleplay group felt the allegations were crazy and unfounded and left. Meanwhile, I was just lost as to what was even happening, I wasn’t aware these people were this connected or knew each other and admittedly, did a pretty poor job as a mod/admin that I didn’t stop the discussions sooner.

I have no idea if the claims were true or not, I imagine they were exaggerated due to bias, I have no idea, but then the same person who had made those claims showed me screenshots that “person of interest” sent to their mutual friend about me. How I was scary and toxic, that I had upset lots of people.. That they were panicking that I even contacted them on tumblr with a friendly “hello!”

Naturally, I responded with confusion. Again, my autism makes it very difficult for me to realize when people are upset or frustrated with me, especially over text. At the time, I couldn’t think of anything I had done to upset them and was very hurt and confused, as our last actual interaction had been seemingly positive.

I did not try to turn anyone against them though. Here’s what actually happened: After being given this info, I also learned that there was a small discord group of the friend group that the person making the claims was from. I joined it hoping to learn more or get some sort of clarification only to find out that this entire group was very upset with “person of interest”. Like very upset. They made claims that this person lied, that this person liked to play victim as a way to manipulate others, that they had groomed two of the people in the group, that they had said unsettling things, that they would do strange and backhanded things ect. Again, I don’t know if these statements are true and I’m not trying to claim they are, I just know that this group of friends had been very upset with "person of interest” before I had even come into the picture. They were already planning on cutting them off!

I did not sway anyone or say anything, I was literally just there in the hopes of finding out if I’d done something wrong.

Of course, this doesn’t at all excuse when I was still friends with “person of interest” and subjected them to my barrage of emotional baggage and panic attacks. I just want to make it clear that I never sent anyone after them or tried to turn their friends against them. In fact, I even tried to help them when they came to my twitter DMs asking me for help. I was already incredibly scared of pissing anyone off in general, and tried to keep things peaceful on both sides. When I asked the second roleplay group if they’d be okay with them rejoining, it was a unanimous “no”... I distinctly remember offering to still roleplay with them one on one and to make a new group that they could be in (and this was even after I had been shown the screenshots of them calling me toxic, which I still wasn’t holding against them!), but the offer was turned down.

I’ve noticed this very distinct pattern over the years of me running into a lot of issues due to miscommunication as well. It was very rare that people would express with me how they were feeling, or when they did, it was usually during one of my panic attacks, which were often bad enough that my brain would repress the memories of what happened during them the second they stopped, and it was rare that I would actually go back and read the things I said. People have had a very easy time going to others and complaining or venting about me to friends, but have had a very hard time actually telling me these complaints themselves, as themselves. I don’t really blame them, as we were all pretty young and given how much I freaked out publicly, it would make sense to be scared of how I might react. Not to mention there were probably things in their own pasts that made something like confrontation difficult. However, what I don’t understand is why this would still be happening five years later... I would assume by this point people would have moved on, especially regarding spats within fandoms.

I hold no ill will towards people in my past who’ve gotten upset with me, I do not hold grudges, and for the most part, if someone wants to cut contact with me, I just accept it and move on. But now that I’m noticing that these false claims are being spread around to other people in the fandom, people who weren’t even involved in these situations, blocking me based off of... Stuff they’ve heard about me... I felt a need to say something.

Honestly, my biggest wish or hope is that, given that it has been five or so years, that people who have never spoken to me or met me before maybe give me another chance? If I have personally hurt you, I don’t want you to feel the need to reach some sort of conclusion with me, or forgive me, or whatever...

But at the very least, perhaps people could be more careful when sharing personal issues we went through with other people, people who know very little about me and who I am and only know me through the lenses and narratives of people who felt slighted by me.

I have changed immensely over the past five years, more than I can even describe. I am not the same person mentally that I was, I have had therapy, I have had help, I have reflected, I have become more sensitive to other people’s thoughts and feelings. I even managed to help a friend of mine get therapy! I was not perfect, I behaved irrationally, but I do think it’s important to drive home the fact that it has been a few years and that I’ve made a lot of progress and that as I’m nearing 30, I have mentally matured quite a bit.

Again, no one from my past has to forgive me, I am not here to dictate how people should feel about me. I am just here to try to share my own side seeing as how I am unable to join most ososan servers and communities nowadays, and thus have a harder time being able to get in contact with or reach others.

I’ve been dying to say something, but kept worrying that it would stir up negative feelings or memories for others, but it’s getting to a point now where I’ve felt so isolated and hated by the fandom for five whole years that I’ve actually started having thoughts of self-harm again for the first time in awhile. I’m not saying this to make anyone feel guilty, and I haven’t acted on the thoughts, I just need to be honest.

This sort of behavior on the internet; gossiping about others, spreading misinformation about others, using a position of influence within a fandom to keep someone from making friends in fandom spaces... Or maybe people don’t even realize how much their words can affect others? Especially if they’re well-liked and exist in a lot of spaces. I’m sure there are no actual bad intentions when people say these things or vent to their friends.

And while I explained that one specific incident in detail that was with a specific person, it is not the only issue I’ve gotten myself into over the years either. I simply spoke about that one as I am just guessing it’s the big reason a lot of this is still going on to this day. I behaved poorly enough in the past that separate groups of people have ended up mad at me, regardless of even knowing each other. I was incredibly troubled, dealing with the aftermath of an abusive relationship, overworked with my animation assignments, and incredibly clueless in social situations or trying to relate to others. Again, these aren’t excuses... But explanations. Mentally ill people are not well, that’s why it’s an illness. In 2016-2017, I was at the lowest of my low, and continued to be until around the Fall of 2019. I have also matured significantly since, and have been working with a far more effective therapist as of late 2018, which I think is why I had such a positive change by 2019, as well as finding wonderful and supportive friends who truly care about me.

I know this is getting really long, too long honestly, but I really needed to get this off my chest...

I’m trying to decide whether or not this will be one of my final posts on tumblr as a whole, as I don’t think I will be able to participate in enjoying ososan publicly with how isolated I’ve been over the years by various groups and people; I think by this point the reputation is too soured for me to be a part of the community. Again, probably not out of malice, but fear and resentment at how I’ve acted.

The fact that I’m seeing more than a few people in ososan fandom I’ve never really spoken to, or people I was mutuals with blocking me is enough I think for me to consider calling it quits for public enjoyment. The fandom is already very small, and the anti-bl side is even smaller, so everyone is pretty interconnected and rumors can spread very easily. There’s no way I can compete with that, especially if I’m barred from most servers anyways.

I’m still going to mull it over, but again, if you’ve never met me, or if you’ve only seen screenshots of me from 2016 while panicking or allcapsing or at my worst... All I can really do is hope that maybe you’ll be able to see past these things and consider giving me a chance.

As for the people I genuinely did hurt, I know I’ve said sorry many times now, even on my old blog Nutastic which I abandoned for similar reasons, but I don’t know how else or how better to prove how genuinely sorry I am... Because the proof of regret is in changing and becoming a better person, and there’s not much chance to see if I have or haven’t if I’ve been cut off.

No one has to forgive me, but perhaps at least entertain the idea I might’ve changed over the course of five years, and that telling people how I was back then instead of who I am now seems a bit unfair. Again, I suppose I dug my own grave by behaving like that in the first place, but I always try to show empathy even to people who wronged me at a low place in their lives, unless they were incredibly abusive and cruel.

At the end of the day, we’re all just people trying to enjoy a show about wacky sextuplets, and I don’t think anyone actually has any ill-will in their hearts, or has it in them to be “bad”, specifically on the anti-bl side. I don’t hold grudges, there’s no one that I currently have blocked unless they are a bl or a man that made me uncomfortable. My DMs are always open, as is my askbox.

Feel free to ask me anything or confront me about anything, though admittedly, doing so through anon makes it hard for me to reply as I don’t want to post anything potentially upsetting publicly.

And I will try to come to a decision about whether or not to pull a Jenna Marbles and leave social media for good out of regret and declining mental health. I will most likely make a post about it when I’m feeling more capable.

Thank you so much for reading, and I hope your year is going good so far despite... Well, everything

#//VERY LONG #//important

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