#I actually made myself feel sick accidentally. My wretched life.

[scarletfasinera]

THINKING so hard. about Elias Spector again. God help me.

[its-nebula]

The Red Carnation

Gundham x Reader

Warning: Blood, Mild Cursing

You looked at Gundham curiously, expecting a greeting or at least some kind of acknowledgement. But for the third day in a row, he merely glanced at you, buried his face in his scarf, and quickened his pace. Sighing, you frowned, and looked over at your friend, Aoi Asahina.

"Don't tell me you're still thinking that upperclassmen guy, S/O." She rolled her eyes. "You don't think he's a little...I don't know, strange?"

Pursing your lips, you gave her a look. "Oh come on, he's not that bad. He might look scary, but I know on the inside that he's got the kindest heart, and he's the most poetic and thoughtful person I've ever met..." You sighed dreamily, leaning against the wall.

Aoi only shook her head. "If that's true, why is he avoiding you like the plague? I thought you said things were going well...?"

"I'm trying to figure that out, myself. It was like magic when we accidentally touched hands at the library, but... after that night, it's like he doesn't want to speak to me."

"I'm sure he'll come around soon." She gave you a warm smile. "Hey, come on, let's go eat our lunch."

What you didn't notice as you were walking by was a very angry and confused Kazuichi, who was listening to your conversation from behind a wall. Growling to himself, he stormed off and went to find that Gundham, thinking of a few choice words for him.

He looked all around the hallways, but he saw no sign of the Overlord of Ice. Instead, he was met face-to-face with the object of his affections, Sonia Nevermind.

"Miss Sonia!" His anger quickly melted away, and an obvious blush appeared on his cheeks.

"Oh. Hello there, Kazuichi." Sonia half-heartedly greeted.

"Hey, who are you waiting around for? A princess shouldn't have to wait for anybody! I know I'd never keep you waiting."

Sonia chuckled nervously. "You're very sweet, Kazuichi, but actually I'm waiting for-"

"I apologize for the sudden delay, princess." Kazuichi turned around when he heard the familiar deep voice of none other than Gundham, who looked a bit worse for the wear. "Oh, it's you. The pink-haired fool."

Kazuichi suddenly remembered why he was there in the first place, and his face twisted into a scowl. "Yeah, it's me! What gives? Why are you ignoring S/O like that, I'll kick your ass!"

"There are things going on that I do not expect you to understand, mortal." Gundham frowned. "The one you call S/O will be just fine without my presence."

"Why are you talkin' like that?! S/O's like a little sibling to me, and if you hurt their feelings I swear I'm gonna-"

"Gundham!" Sonia suddenly exclaimed in surprise. "What is that on your scarf there?" She reached out to hold the small, mysterious red object, but was beat by Maga-Z, who took it in his mouth, glaring at Sonia.

Sonia reluctantly retracted her hand, but took notice to Gundham, who's pale face was now red. She decided not to question it, but she was definitely suspicious.

"Now then, shall we go on to our luncheon?" Gundham changed the subject. With a nod, Sonia and Gundham walked away, much to Kazuichi's dismay.

"Jerk." Kazuichi hissed, somberly watching the two waltz away. It seemed his plan was failing. If he couldn't get Gundham to like his friend S/O, Sonia would keep pining after him! It angered him beyond belief, but he also felt bad for his apprentice. Being the Ultimate Engineer, and a small, unknowing underclassmen, he took you under his wing in a way, which you really appreciated. It wasn't until you started talking to him about how you found Gundham attractive that the gears started to turn in his brain. He arranged for the two of you to meet, and although you were opposed at first, you really hit it off.

Until Kazuichi heard that he'd been ignoring you! Scoffing, he went into the bathroom, planning on splashing water on his face and regrouping.

Crunch.

"What the hell?" He mumbled to himself, looking down. He took a step back to find a bloodied, but dried flower petal under his foot. Why was there blood on it? Thinking nothing of it, he kicked it away, continuing on with his day.

As Sonia and Gundham made friendly conversation, they ate their lunch. "Gundham, whatever happened to that engineer friend of yours?" Sonia asked politely, smiling at him. At her words, Gundham froze, eyes widening. The Devas all looked at each other worriedly. "Gundham?"

"O-Oh! You mean that mortal from- from-" He struggled to get the words out, tightly gripping onto his scarf. "The..." A thin streak of blood started to run from his lip, all the way down his chin, and he knew he couldn't take it anymore. He fell onto the ground, on all fours. He coughed up petals. Maybe it was only a dozen, maybe it was a hundred, but he didn't know. He could feel the burning of a thousand suns in his lungs with every inhale, and he could feel the anger of the demons from the 9 circles of Hell with every exhale. Sonia watched in horror as blood and petals were scattered everywhere, along with the Devas, who seemed to be panicking as well.

As soon as he finished his coughing fit, he collapsed to the ground. Sonia was already long gone to find their classmate Mikan. Damn it, how could he be so weak as to fall into the grasp of a human disease? His human form was definitely lacking. Curse this wretched world! The Devas all gathered around him, and all he could do is weakly smile at them, before his eyes slowly closed shut.

When he awoke, he already knew that he was in the nurse's domain. He had too much of a pounding headache to say anything, though, and instead just softly groaned.

"Gundham! You're awake!" He recognized the voice of Sonia from anywhere, and she rushed over to him from where she was sitting. "Do not worry about class. I talked to Chisa and she agreed that we can take a sick day."

Gundham, again, only groaned his response, and even that was starting to become too much to bare. He could feel the scratchiness of his throat every time he swallowed.

"U-Um, Sonia, Gundham pr-probably shouldn't be talking very much!" Mikan explained. "His throat's suffered a l-lot of trauma."

"Very well. I will do the talking!" Sonia smiled at her, then turned back to Gundham. The Devas of Destruction rested on her shoulder, also looking at Gundham. He felt cornered, but he knew there was nothing he could do about it. "How long has this been going on, Gundham? You surely did not really think about letting this go on until you perished?"

He frowned, looking away from the princess. That was all she needed to see to know her answer. It broke her heart. "Mikan has told me you were coughing up red carnations, which has the meaning 'My Heart Aches for You.' Who is it?"

He didn't respond, and instead tried to sit up. His splitting headache disallowed him to do so, however, so he laid back down. Suddenly, he felt a scratching at his throat. It wasn't the usual feeling; this one was different, and he could tell. Springing back upright, he was sent into a coughing fit, pulling and clawing desperately at his scarf. The Devas sprang into action, helping him to get his scarf off. He knelt over the bed, blood dripping from his mouth. As a desperate last attempt for air, he stuck his fingers down his throat and pulled out a full, bright red carnation. He looked at it in surprise as he held it in his hand, knowing that it was only getting worse. His eye's were met with Sonia's. He laughed a little. "S/O." Was all he had the strength to say before he promptly passed out on the bed.

Being dragged by Kazuichi to the nurse's office was not on your agenda for after-school activites, but that's how life is sometimes. "K-Kazuichi just slow down!" You panted, trying to keep up with his quick pace. He mumbling incoherent sentences, something about "Hanahaki", and "Surgery". When he opened the door, he practically threw you in there, following not far behind. You were shocked to see Gundham on the bed, mumbling soft words to Sonia.

"Gundham?" You questioned. Instantly, Sonia turned around, and her face lit up. "What's going on? Are you okay?!"

"You must be S/O, it is so nice to meet you!" Sonia happily greeted. "Now please, if you would, talk some sense into him!"

"Sense?" You questioned. "About what? Will someone please tell me what's going on?"

The room fell silent, until Mikan decided to speak on the matter. "Um, well, it seems Gundham has f-fallen under the effects of the Hanahaki D-Disease! He passed out twice earlier, and he also coughed up this..." She moved aside to point at the red carnation on the counter. You couldn't believe your ears. "A-And, um, if I'm not m-mistaken, S/O, the person who he's fallen for is...you."

You didn't know what to think as you quickly rushed to Gundham's side, holding his hand. "Is this true?"

He sighed deeply. "You must forgive me, S/O. I have failed to overcome this insolent condition of mine. It appears that I have vastly overestimated this human form that I'm in. I'm guessing as a result, I've ruined my friendship with you as well."

"I wish you would've told me sooner..." You whispered, caressing his cheek. "I...I like you too."

"W-What?" He was taken aback. "Is this but not a jest?!"

You giggled softly. "No, Gundham. Really, I like you a lot." Your face heated up, and you saw his face flush as well.

"T-Then...!" He struggled to find the words. "Would you do the honors of... being my goddess/god of Ice?"

"I'd like that." You smiled warmly at him.

"YES!!!" You heard Kazuichi cheer behind you. You turned back to look at him with a raised eyebrow, and he chuckled nervously. "I-I mean, uh, I'm happy for you guys! Yay S/O!"

[modestmuses-a]

5, 6, 11, 18, 21, 23, 26, 30, 34, 35, 43, 50 - ekko

//CAS I ALREADY DON’T SHUT UP ABOUT THIS BOY AS IT IS.  WHY WOULD YOU ENCOURAGE ME AND SUBJECT MY FOLLOWERS TO THIS??  i’m gonna have to fuckin readmore this for length because Christ…

Unusual Headcanons | accepting

5. How many blankets / pillows do they like to have on their bed?

One of each.  When it’s exceptionally warm out, you can nix the blanket.  Although, “blanket” is kind of a strong word for it.  It’s really more of a threadbare rag at this point.  When it gets cold out, he does think, “Hm, I better replace this,” but then he immediately forgets about it upon waking up and getting on with his day.

6. What do they normally dream about?  Nightmares or nonsense?

Thanks to time travel fucking with his circadian rhythm, it’s very rare for Ekko to get any more than three or four hours of sleep at a time.  More on that here.

But his terrible non-existent sleeping patterns, coupled with a whole host of repressed negative emotions that he hasn’t properly worked through because he doesn’t want to burden anyone with his problems, mean his nightmares are frequent and severe.  Usually of the ridiculously gory variety.  His nightmares typically end with him dying in some over-the-top, Final-Destination-esque way.

(Speaking of, my favorite death from those movies is from the third one, where the girl stumbles backwards into a nail gun and takes several nails through the back of her skull right out the front of her face.)

If you were to watch them, like, as a horror movie, some of them might be laughable.  (If you’re into that sort of thing.)  And indeed, he does try to laugh some of them off, although whether it’s genuine laughter or him trying to put on a brave face and again refusing to acknowledge that he’s got Issues is up for debate.

11. Bar soap or liquid?  Do they like loofahs?

Bar soap.  No loofahs.

18. Do they prefer cats or dogs?  Or neither?

Ekko doesn’t really have a preference!  He’ll drop scraps down to stray animals when he has the scraps to spare, and he’s made a number of furry friends of both species this way.  Sometimes, you’ll just see random animals tailing him as he walks through the city, ‘cause they’re hoping to get more food out of him.  He feels guilty when he doesn’t have anything to give them.

21. Did they have any fears growing up that they’ve since conquered?

Ekko used to be afraid of trees when he was younger and would always hold his breath when he walked by the cultivair.  This is because he heard a story about a man who accidentally inhaled a tree seed and ended up growing a tree in his lung.  He now knows that it’s ridiculous to be afraid of trees for that reason since the odds of it happening to him are infinitesimally small, but he’ll still tell people the story of Ol’ Tree Lung whenever they pass the cultivair, regardless of how many times his present company has heard it before.  Most of his friends are sick to death of Ol’ Tree Lung by now.

23. How do they show fear?  Sweating, shaking, blankness, anger, etc?

Ekko shakes something fierce when he gets scared.  He also starts stammering and messing up sentences on account of his brain working much faster than his mouth.  He’ll start a sentence and not finish it.  Tries to restart the sentence slightly different this time and doesn’t finish that one either.  Starts a sentence, cuts it off, starts a different sentence about a completely different thought, loses track of that one, too.

desperately tries not to cry

26. What are they most passionate about?  What could they debate about for hours?

Ekko is passionate about… eating the rich.  When are we bringing back the guillotine again?? kfhdgkdf

No, but seriously, Ekko is pretty adamant about “Capitalism sucks” and believes that the best use of wealth is providing for those less fortunate than you.  He doesn’t have a lot, but he’s always using what he does have to help the Lost Children and his parents first and himself second.  He sees people living these lives of luxury, and it makes him sick ‘cause he’s just like… *gestures @ starving orphans* “Y’all wanna like… maybe do something about this sometime?”

He believes that no one should have that much money for any reason because they should be putting it towards making society a better place instead of just… sitting on it.  There is a reason I associate Billy Talent with him (and why “Man Alive!” is his main verse tag) and it’s because they have a lot of songs that just absolutely shit all over capitalism.  I made a playlist for Ekko, and the first four songs on it are Billy Talent criticizing capitalism for the flawed, soul-sucking system that it is.  (Three of the four are from the Dead Silence album.)

Anyway, Billy Talent tangent aside since I can’t control myself…

On April Fool’s, there were a couple IC posts of rich characters saying, “Rich people don’t have rights!” but then claiming to be exceptions to the rule.  Like, one of them said, “I have rights ‘cause I didn’t choose to be rich.  I was just born into a rich family.”

And let me tell you, I had to physically restrain Ekko ‘cause he was p i s s e d.  He was in time-out that day, haha!  “Oh, I’m so sorry, it must be so hard for you to have been born into a life of privilege,” he fumes to himself in the little corner I’ve trapped him in.  “NONE OF YOU ARE EXCEPTIONS TO THE RULE!  NONE OF YOU HAVE RIGHTS!  AND WHEN THE REVOLUTION COMES, YOU’RE GOING TO THE GUILLOTINE WITH THE REST OF ‘EM!”

Me, desperately trying to calm him down like, “No, no, shh, look at the date!  It’s probably just a joke!”

He’s like, “IT FUCKING BETTER BE.”

Tl;dr: Nothing gets Ekko riled quite like rich people being shitty and annoying.

I was also going to mention that Ekko’s passionate about maintaining hope and will argue the importance of not giving up and not letting bad situations turn you into a bad person, but this answer is already hella long, so here’s a brief passing mention of it lmao

30. Is there something about their personality they want to change?

Ekko is… angry deep down.  Or maybe not even so deep down.  Maybe right there, just under his skin.  And he wishes he wasn’t.

He often questions his own goodness, wondering if he’s not just Fake Nice to conceal the wretched thing he actually is.  If you skim the top layer of sweetness off of him, you’re left with this horrid, bitter, hateful little beast.  Or that’s what he thinks sometimes, anyway.

Whether it’s justified or it isn’t, anger is such an ugly emotion, and he’s worried it’s going to cause him to hurt someone he cares about someday.

I often worry about my portrayal of Ekko and how damn inconsistent it is sometimes ‘cause in one thread, he’s this sweet helpful angel who wants to do his best, and in another thread, he’s more bitter than the blackest coffee, but like.  This be why.  He’s a good person.  Just deep down, he’s angry about A Lot, but even deeper down, he’s an even better person.  He feels like his anger is the thing standing between him and being the best person he can be, and he wishes he could get rid of it, but alas, it seems to be stuck to him.

I mean, maybe it wouldn’t be if he ever bothered to resolve any of his Issues, but y’know.  Helping others comes first, so :’)  He’ll worry about helping himself when he’s dead.

34. Are they the jealous type?  What are they most likely to be jealous of?

Hmm, I wouldn’t say Ekko is much of the jealous type, no.  Like, his anger towards rich folks isn’t because he’s jealous of their lifestyle or wants what they have.  It’s because he wants them to be decent fucking people for once.  It doesn’t make sense to a lot of people, but he’s content stomping around in the gutters.  He does wish things were easier on his parents, but he can’t complain about the life of freedom he’s been allowed to lead up to this point.

He doesn’t really get jealous of other people’s relationships either.  Like, I mentioned in a reply to Draven that in the Academy verse, Ekko has a crush on Ahri.  (But only in the Academy verse.)  But like, he doesn’t really get jealous when she dates other guys.  In fact, he expects it.  He hasn’t said anything about his crush on Ahri (although it’s probably a bit obvious), and he’s never going to because he doesn’t expect anything to come of it.  He lowkey doesn’t want anything to come of it because he feels like it’ll just make the dynamics in their friend group weird.  So, really, he’s got no problem with her dating whoever she wants.

35. Are they possessive over their things?  Or over other people?  Both?

The only thing Ekko is especially possessive of is the Zero Drive, for obvious reasons.  It’d be just… the worst to have that fall into the wrong hands.  Time travel is a huge responsibility, Ekko says as he abuses the shit out of it to skip class and get infinite Halloween candy.  Can you imagine what would happen if any of the shadier characters in LoL had the ability to time travel??

He isn’t particularly possessive over the rest of his things, though, and he’ll frequently give stuff up to people he feels could use it more.

As for people… I wouldn’t call him possessive, so much as protective.  He might seem a bit possessive of his friends at times, but it’s only because he’s trying to keep them out of trouble.  Whenever he tells people, “I don’t want you hanging out with so-and-so,” it’s not because he’s being possessive, it’s because so-and-so has Bad Vibes written all over them.

In the modern/K/DA verse, he’s friends with Akali before she gets famous.  She ran away from the dojo and lived on the streets for a while, and it was there that she met Ekko, and honestly, he probably did a lot more than he realizes to keep her out of trouble.  Who knows what kind of bullshit her dumb ass would have gotten into if she hadn’t been trying to set as good of an example for Ekko as she could?

Anyway, modern verse Ekko despises modern verse Shen.  Akali gets back in touch with Shen, and Ekko is extremely vocal about how terrible he finds this whole idea.

And it’s not that he’s possessive of Akali.  In fact, it’s quite the opposite.  When she needed to leave him to join K/DA, he let her go ‘cause he understood that was her big dream and it wouldn’t have been fair to keep her there.  She was destined for better things, and he wanted to see her get off the streets.

But it’s just that… he’s heard stories about the way she was treated at the dojo, so when she tells him she got back in touch with Shen, he gets pissed and tells her that she can’t expect him to support her ripping open old wounds.  He’s just scared that Shen’s going to hurt her again, so when she tries to introduce the two of them to each other, Ekko’s cold towards Shen at best and openly hostile towards him at worst.  He might be inclined to strangle the guy if Akali didn’t have herself situated between them in a somewhat fruitless effort to ease the tension.

43. Do they like living alone or with another person / other people?

Ahaha, Ekko is a huge people-person, actually!  I think he’d just die if he had to live alone.  A big reason he spends so much time away from home and out on the streets is because his parents are never home, and the house feels too empty without them.  He’ll roll back home in the evening, when his parents are getting off work, to enjoy their company for a bit before they both pass out, but unless somebody else is there, he doesn’t want to be either.

If he had to live alone, there wouldn’t be any point in him having a house or anything ‘cause he’d literally never stay there.  He’d always be out chasing adventure and other people’s company.

50. Where do they see themselves in 2 / 5 / 10 years?

God, this is hard because the thing is that Ekko is terrible at making plans for the future, especially long-term plans.  Thinking about the future causes him major stress, especially when he thinks of possibilities that might involve him relinquishing some of his freedom, which is a lot.  Like, he has no desire to go to school or join the workforce - at least not in any sort of traditional way - or any of that, and the fact that he’s not going to be 16 forever is just something that he prefers not to think about!

Anyway, let’s take a crack at it, nonetheless…

In two years, Ekko hopes to have worked up the courage to tell his parents he doesn’t want to go to the academy in Piltover.  Listen… he’s working on it.  But like, he thinks at least part of the reason they work so hard is because they’re trying to put money back to send him to school, and… he’s really torn about it.  He’d feel guilty if they kept working to send him to school without knowing he doesn’t want to go, but he’d also feel guilty if he told them he doesn’t want to go and crushed all their hopes and dreams.  So, really, it is a lose-lose.

But hey, two years is plenty of time to work up the courage, right?

In five years, Ekko’s unsure of whether he’ll still be living with his parents or not.  He knows that he wants to get them into a nicer house, and as such, he’ll likely have to find some way to make money other than thievery.  So, he might consider commercializing an invention or two.

He knows his parents are fond of Piltover for whatever reason, and he would reluctantly let them go there, if they wanted.  That’s why he isn’t sure if he’ll still be living with them or not because if they do choose to go to Piltover, he’s absolutely staying behind in Zaun.  He wants them to be happy, but he’s not going to abandon Zaun like that.  Plus, he can still come visit sometimes, so it’s like… whatever.

He would also like to make a little more progress on the Z-Drive by this point, maybe getting it to the point where he can go back days instead of only minutes.  Just in case.  You never know when that thing you did three days ago is gonna come back around to bite you in the ass.

In ten years, he’ll be 26 and probably (sadly) a bit old to be running around doing dumb teenager things.  Still, he can’t see himself abandoning the Lost Children.  They’ll still need someone, you know?  A large part of his mission with the Lost Children has become keeping them out of trouble, more or less.  The bad kind of trouble, anyway.  Keeping them away from chem-punks and out of the factories and away from drugs and potentially dangerous augmentations, so on and so forth.

He’d like to keep doing that, keep helping kids stay out of bad situations.  Maybe start some sort of home for them, where they can come get a bed and a warm meal.  Or something like a school, but where they’re allowed to study what they want and hone the skills they think will be most useful to them, instead of some arbitrary curriculum they’re not even interested in.  Maybe a bit ambitious for only ten years, but… he hopes to at least be on his way to that sort of thing by then.

He wants to see Zaun be a better place, and children are the future, and he doesn’t want to see any of them fall through the cracks.  If there’s any hope for Zaun to get better - and he believes there is - it starts with its children being happy and safe.

So, his plans are currently:

Tell his parents he doesn’t want to go to the academy.

Get his parents somewhere nicer ‘cause they deserve it.

Improve time travel maybe.

Find a way to get as many children out of harm’s way as humanly possible.

And that’s basically it.

[sanguinesprout]

Therapy/Counselling Diary #5 (and some general bits of feels)

Last week I got the flu and was a total zombie so I had to cancel the therapy appointment. I’m about 80% better now, just the typical cold type symptoms to get rid of cough cough snot snot wheeze wretch eye water ugh. I phoned about 30 mins before the app time ‘cause I was really intending to go but that day was the peak of my ills (and I accidentally slept in after waking up the first time thinking my app was 1 hour later than the actual time and had a small panic too  lol). I was overthinking about what I would say to them on the phone but they didn’t ask anything other than if I’d be in for the next appointment after I told them I didn’t feel well enough to go in for this one.

When I went to this week’s app, the therapist was waiting for me at the reception desk (I was about 5 mins late, but I’ve been late to things so often in my life it kinda just felt like eh lol). She was kind and asked if I was feeling better and stuff like that and said she was thankful that I phoned in and that it didn’t matter it was last minute. (If you miss an app without phoning in you could lose all your future apps .__.)

We went over some stuff about self esteem and again about thinking ahead/assuming the worst. She asked me if I’d filled out the sheets from the last appointment and I was like ‘huh?’ because I wasn’t given any and had like a mini internal panic then too. Maybe she got me mixed up with someone else, either way it felt kind of unnerving and reminded me of the times I didn’t manage to complete some of the homework at school and got in trouble. Feels bad man ;;

So she got the sheets out, some of those scoring sheets about self esteem and I did them there. I kinda feel like whenever I do those types of multiple choice/grading things I’m never sure of what to pick. I definitely have very very low self esteem and on the scores it showed for most but was on the line for some, but I feel like I kind of lied maybe? Or like I just threw down the choice with too much uncertainty.

I sort of teeter in between the two sides of the choices in everything like this and even get worried that what I’ll pick is wrong or will sound bad. It feels so awfuls, sometimes I feel I don’t know myself very well at all... Or is it my chronic indecisiveness or worry of judgement taking over? It’s probably a big ol’ mix of everything >< I have a scoring sheet for depression and anxiety (doesn’t actually say it on it, but I recognise the questions) which I do every week and give to her in but I just get so unsure and quickly wing it just to get it out of the way. I wonder how it charts up, if there is actually any improvement or if it’s just all random... Ah, oh dear ^^” I’m being much too negative..! These things are only super general indicators and I needn’t worry about them too much!

Um, anyways after that we went over the diagram from last time again with the vicious cycle of negative thoughts and behaviours and added some more examples to it and discussed it some more. I am writing this the day after the app and my mind is already blanking ahhh my mind blanks all the time during the actual app too, it’s like I’m half awake xAx Maybe I need a break... (not that I haven’t procrastinated and looked at random other things already at least 5 times since beginning this post lol)

Okay, after ogling my phone, eating and spilling water on myself when trying to drink it and then ogling my phone some more, I think I’m ready to resume writing my extremely slow and bleh account ^v^ 

So, one of the examples we used was me going to a shop I was intending to go but avoiding, I did it and my expectations (which were initially negative) turned out to be disproven by my actual experience. So she asked me what I expected and to give a percentage of how much I believed in it and I said it’d be awkward and said I assumed this 80%. Then she asked me how it actually was and there was all this nice stuff I learned from going, it was a generally pleasant experience and and my score for awkwardness was rethought to 10%. It’s actually a really neat way of showing yourself how overthinking is so ridiculous and irrational. She said to try and do this for other things I find difficult and to try and then prove my thoughts wrong, I’ll... I’ll try!

She also went over this sheet of unhelpful/negative habits and it has some short descriptions all the different types and I actually have to write examples relating to the ones which I have/often fall into as homework eep! Some of the bad habits listed are predicting the future, mind reading, comparing yourself, catastrophising etc. 

She asked me what I thought she was thinking about me then (or well earlier on) and I said that she was thinking I was silly, but she said nope and she was actually thinking of how proud she was that I did the shop thing I was avoiding..! :D Also when she asked what is the unhelpful behaviour I do and I said avoiding things, she said thanks for being so open and truthful ^^ It feels nice to be praised and to know that my mind is just an asshole a lot of the time lol!

I‘m pretty anxious about writing things down as I always am but also she said not everyone has all these habits, but the more you have the harder it is for you to move forward. Looking at them I feel like I have them all aughhhh... but I guess it explains why I am having such a hard time with everything, it’s good to be able to understand more about my thinking.

Sorry, I’m not really elaborating or writing anything particularly useful. Ahhh what am I saying sorry for >< I keep worrying about my post sucking, but what does it matter if it does or not, I am doing this for me, it’s okay to be selfish... that was one of the things on one of those scoring tests there were a few selflessness statements and ahhhh I die x3x

I also gotta try and do the phone call order practice thing which I’m still avoiding the hell out of cryyyy... it sounds easy but it’s just so hard to get past my silly fears and just do it. Ahhhh c’mon, I can do it... ahhhh... it’s tough... I’ll get there, I hope, and then it’ll be smooth-ish sailing ;v;

Besides being sick and going to that app, in the past week, or well actually yesterday I went to my sis’ house again and made a really basic chocolate cake (was actually meant to be brownies, but oh welp lol). I did it yay! The results weren’t perfect but it is good enough and I guess I learned more about what I can do better (not substitute ingredients maybe lol). I feel a bit more confident using the oven and just combining the ingredients and cracking eggs which is nice! x3 Practice makes perf- slightly better to much better results hah! :3

I was kinda sad cause my parents aren’t really interested in my stuff that much? :< Like the other day I wrote a super nice picture message note thing directed to my parents (I do things like this all the time though and I put in a lot of effort and love) and my dad didn’t even say anything about it, just said he was too busy to look/doesn’t have time for nonsense kind of thing and it just... it really hurt and brought my spirits down so much... ;; My mum chuckled at it at least, I wrote a reference to something funny on it after all, but I wonder if it’s because of the reference that my dad doesn’t seem to like it? But that’s only one tiny part of the picture, it doesn’t make sense... ><

They haven’t tried my cake yet either or shown any interest in doing so, I mean they’re not obligated to and they probably will sometime later, but idk it’s just like... a disappointing and deflated sort of feeling like when a kid makes something and strives for attention or some sort of praise and gets none or hardly any acknowledgement at all... except I’m not a kid... or well, I’m an overgrown kid .__. Am I being too unreasonable or greedy? I want to make them proud at least a little or have even the tiniest bit of encouragement... I just want to be loved... :’C <//3

Um, welp I guess I just have to be more serious and do the grown up things they probably want me to do. Yeah, I’m not a kid anymore... I know I’m really childish, but I can’t help it, it’s just who I am... is it wrong? Should it be another thing to add to the list of why I’m so ashamed of myself..? No, stop, I’m being to harsh on myself.

Aw man, um... well I didn’t mean to fill this post with angst but uh... I guess better out than in. My feelings... they’re so... annoying... but valid and they matter and I matter. I can always learn love myself and I have my sister too. My parents do love me, it’s just not as conventionally expressed I guess. I gotta be grateful for what and who I do have, no comparing them to others either ^^

Lately (like I’ve said in the many many previous posts) I’ve been wanting to post my random art stuff or to try and make more serious attempts at making art or practicing it but I just... it’s hard. I feel like I’m so very close to being able to take that step forward but then I’m hesitating again, overthinking, trying to plan things, doing all of the negative and unhelpful habits and ending up too scared to do anything at all. 

It’s a pretty big hurdle, all the things Im facing are, and I can see over it but I’m scared to take the jump, it’s so intimidating but I have to just let myself know that even if I trip, even if I fall, it’s okay and at least I tried and get up to try again! I can do it! I keep losing my focus, but I’ll keep trying to get it back until I do it!

Oh! OH! My dad called me from downstairs, said he tried my cake, described its kind of flaws which I already knew and told of but said it was better than this other cake he bought before, that it was just better than my other attempts (Um.. I haven’t baked a cake before though lol) Anyways he said it all with a happy tone and I was reading into things too negatively before, man I was being so impatient and oh my overthinking mind when will you just slow down and take the time to enjoy the breeze and smell the flowers.

It feels like.. like idk... like I just got a mood and motivation to try harder next time boost. I’ll try harder next time and I’ll wow him and if not next time then the time after or after that, but each time I’ll improve some even if I fail some. This must be how people feel in competitions or in movies or in, well just life. How interesting! That phrase about life being boring or meaningless without challenge, I guess makes more sense now c:

I’m glad I wrote my post even though it took me hours and I stressed some and took so many breaks but I was able to pull around and add some positivity back into my gloomy mood and re-encourage myself in general which is awesome! I gotta toughen up and get around all these negative obstacles, I gotta pace myself more consistently but not get ahead of myself. Slow and steady wins the race! Yeah I’ll just throw out more proverbs and sayings even if I remembered them wrong or used them wrongly but whatever yolo! xD

I’m stronger than I think, I can do things, I can do them right now! I will do them or at least begin to do them right now! I won’t overthink or if I do I will unravel my worries with rationality! If I don’t do any of the things I just said then whatever and there’s no need to worry about it! Hell yeah!! >:D

Okay, imma do some productive stuff now :3 Like my counsellor said, there’s no point focusing all my energy on worrying and wearing myself out when it’s much better to put all my energy towards actually doing things and making myself happy.

If I don’t manage to do everything I hope to today, it doesn’t matter, I can resume it later another day. If I do something wrong, I’ll learn from it, I can now do even better and there’s no need to beat myself up about it. There isn’t always a right and a wrong, just go with the flow, there’s no rules and no obligations! My forgotten mini mantra yay! *power up!*

I really need to put my little self motivations somewhere I can see them more frequently. Oh yeah! In illustrations which I wanted to do... I kind of forgot about all that, but I’ve remembered! Hnnrgh no overthinking, no comparing, do it for myself, believe in myself! I’ll get round to it soon hopefully! c:

Keep fighting, keep going! Have a great evening! ^0^