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dxstopiaa · 1 year

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hello! >u< how are you? if it's okay, may i request the sumeru men with a s/o who loooooves sitting on their lap? i hope you have a great day/night!

characters: alhaitham, kaveh, cyno, tighnari and dottore x gn! reader

warnings: sfw! may be suggestive! otherwise fluff [hii anon! i hope you are doing well too! i tried to post something even though it’s been a month, i’m so sorry <3]

alhaitham

“Haitham, can i sit on your lap again?”

“…You may.” The Acting Grand Sage looked down at you, who had unknowingly sat on the desk infront, eyes gleaming so enthusiastically it’d be a shame to deny you of what you so kindly requested.

If anyone didn’t know the scribe as personally as you did, they’d say he was a cold-hearted man with a thirst only knowledge could quench— that he was incapable of demonstrating love. He’d overheard such earlier, watching the two students indulging in some pointless (and incorrect, mind you) gossip.

He wasn’t one to care of other’s perception of him, but with you in his life and his lap, he had to show at least some regard for his reputation. Seems like all you cared about at the moment was adjusting against his chest so you could snuggle your face into the corner of his neck. Firmly muscular, but comfortable.

He smelt pleasant— hints of fresh citrus and old books radiated off of him like an aura. You suppose the scent of a person really said a lot about them. Al Haitham, that once bitterly cold man had been reduced like a squeezed lemon, sour at first but you’ve drained that attitude from him. As for the other, well, the books were self-explanatory. He was a needed comfort either way.

“Can you read to me too please?”

“You ask for too much, darling...”

kaveh

“Kaveh, you wouldn’t mind me sitting on your lap, right?”

The architect’s breath hitched, pencil hovering over the unfinished blueprint. Did he just hear you right? He sighed, wondering why he felt the need to express hesitance when you’re his beloved. That’s new, and awfully endearing too.

His lack of an answer left thoughts swarming your head within seconds. Did i make him uncomfortable? Why though? You’ve done much more intimate things with him than this. You spun around on your heel, a mediocre attempt at fleeing the flustering scene. The creak of a chair accompanied with a tight grasp of a hand around your wrist had settled you onto Kaveh’s thighs.

“Don’t run away, sweetheart, i was a little taken aback, that’s all.” Your boyfriend massaged circular motions into your tense shoulders, apprehensively stiff to the touch. You melted into his gentle ministrations, finally lowering yourself into his lap securely.

“Am i not bothering your soon to be due planning?” You quizzed, turning your head to glance at the messily organised desk, fragments of graphite smeared over it and numerous pencils scattered across the surface. A professional procrastinator is what he was, he never accepted such a name from your mouth, poorly persuading you to keep quiet so he could de-stress.

“I needed a break anyway, my love, just rest with me a little while longer.”

cyno

“I know you’re busy Cyno, but can i sit with you please?”

Such innocently vague phrasing truly disguised your intentions. When you said it like that, Cyno didn’t think much of it and simply agreed. That was until you positioned yourself comfortably on his lap, legs either side of his thighs.

He gasped softly— watching you loop your arms around his neck and snuggle your face into his chest. Bold behaviour like this wasn’t normal for you but he supposed this didn’t have any deeper meaning other than wanting to be close to him.

“Dear…you don’t have anything up your sleeve, do you?” Cyno quizzed, squinting slightly to search for any reaction from you. Your light giggle and the abrupt shaking of your head suggested you didn’t have any ulterior motives.

The general grinned briefly, setting down his report to embrace you with his arms and began to kiss your forehead delicately, leaning into his gentle touch as if you were a cat starved of attention.

“Why don’t i change that, darling?”

tighnari

“Nari, sitting on your lap won’t interfere with your work, yes?”

Your boyfriend froze, the abrupt request felt unfamiliar to fall from your tongue, yet he couldn’t find it within him to decline such an offer. He placed the pen down, turning so slightly as to not let you see the hint of rose over his face.

“Well, i suppose it wouldn’t.” The forest ranger mumbled, trying his hardest not to show a trace of embarrassment. So much for the composed, knowledgeable chief everyone knew. You, on the other hand, smiled cheekily, walking over to see what mess you’ve made.

Just as you were about to tease him, Tighnari seized your waist and spun you around to sit facing the other way. Of course, you facepalmed yourself mentally, how could you limit your lover’s sharp mind?

Tighnari was not about to let you make fun of him with your little tricks— like how you did numerous times before.

“Not so fast darling. I think i deserve an apology for that, physical or verbal, it’s up to you.”

dottore

“My husband, can i sit here with you?”

Dottore trailed his scarlet eyes over your torso, following your outstretched arm until he witnessed your own finger directed to his very lap. You… wanted to sit on him? How flatteringly bold of you. He shifted his legs to let you move in between, patting his situationally vacant legs.

“As you wish, my love, don’t keep me waiting.”Your lover chuckled as your sudden expression adapted into a more coy smile, whether this was from hesitance or excitement, he didn’t know. Your gentle hands reached for his shoulders, so lightly as if you were afraid.

His thighs were firm yet soft enough to rest your own on top, allowing the harbinger to run his fingers along your back whilst he admired the way in which you’d relax against him without a care in the world. He only mattered to you in this moment— the unexpectedly soft, caring husband no one knew of but yourself.

Dottore hasn’t meant to become so attached to the feeling of your thighs encasing him, now it was the only way he was fond of, with you right where you’re safe.

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linkspooky · 1 year

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I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND ME

It's not surprising to me that Gojo's dying monologue he spent more time talking about his fight with Sukuna than any of his students. Gojo's priority from the beginning isn't to save Megumi but to fight all-out against a strong opponent, the line is: ""The Absolute Strong. The loneliness that follows. The one who will teach you about love is..."

This fight is basically the climax of Gojo's identity crisis which has been a long running issue for him throughout the manga. He's simultaneously a self-confident individualist with an overpowering sense of "ego" and a person with little idea of who he is outside of the role in society that was given to him. Gojo went into the fight looking for someone capable of understanding him, the fight is about Gojo seeking an answer to who he is, that's why he fights and that's why he loses.

Gojo is Not Normal

Nanami's statement is misinterpreted I think.

"You live for Jujutsu. You don't wield it to protect something. You use it solely for the sake of satisfying yourself."

A lot of people took this to mean that Goo didn't care about anyone but himself, even though Gojo directly contradicts this earlier.

"I love everyone and don't feel lonely snow, but somewhere along the way there was a line I drew, not as a human but as a living creature."

He states he does love other people, if only from afar, he just doesn't understand them. Gojo can't make other people his reason to fight, because he only understands himself. He only sees himself. He can only fight for what's inside himself.

"You can make a flower bloom, you can admire it, but you can't tell that flower 'I want you to understand me'

Gojo's students are the flowers. Itadori, Fushiguro and Nobara are all named after flowers. He's raising them up to be as strong as him, he's fond of them, but he doesn't think they relate to him because he exists in a different category of other people.

A lot of people want Gojo to be a more traditional caring mentor figure like Kakashi or Aizawa they're missing what's really interesting about his character. When Nanami says "Gojo only cares about being the strongest" it's true because his entire character is written around the statement "I am the strongest". He is conceptually about what it is like to be the strongest man in existence. That is the character concept, and Gojo's entire identity crisis revolves around that he's built up his personality around being the strongest at Jujutsu and nothing else.

Gojo can only fight for his own ego and self satisfaction as Nanami says, because he has nothing else, he has no identity outside of that.

However, before I get into why I want to point out that Gojo is not normal. It's not because someone on his power level is fundamentally incapable of relating to other people, but Gojo himself...is not right in the head. He's making an active decision to choose not to empathize with people whatsoever, it's not just that it's hard to understand him, it's that they can't understand him.

Gojo talks about his students like they're members of another species. They're flowers. They can't relate to him on a human level because he's something other than human. A friend had an interesting reading on why specifically it's flowers Gojo chose for his metaphor.

Plants are less sentient than insects, they don't contemplate anything they are just taken care of by their gardener and grow towards the sun. That's how differently he sees himself from others.

I wanted to include this take from @kaibutsushidousha as well.

Gojo's not from the planet mars he's a human who has human emotions and human psychology like everyone else, so that's simply not true, but Gojo believes it is and that belief influences how he interacts with everyone.

Gojo can't see himself reflected back in other people for some reasons that aren't his fault and some reasons that are. Gojo has been from birth, treated as different from everyone around him, not for anything he really did but because he was born with a really strong jujutsu ability. He's a literal chosen one. He always seen as the six eyes user, the strongest, before he was seen as a person. His entire life has been defined entirely by the abilities he was born with, he was born to be a Jujutsu Sorcerer so of course that's what he builds his entire identity around.

Not only is he told that he's categorically different from others, but he also believes it. We know little about his early childhood besides Gege's statements that he was spoiled, but we do see later on in childhood there are people who are willing to treat Gojo normally despite the position he has as the strongest. This is when it starts being Gojo's fault that he continues to see himself as different from other people.

Shoko, Gojo's closest confidante in his schooldays after Geto's days basically tells him that. She's been with him for years and yet he still has the audacity to act like he's all alone in the world. Even when people try to treat Gojo normally and relate to him on a personal level, Gojo actively ignores their presence in his life like he did Shoko because he's not only been told he's different from other people because he's stronger, but he believes it and he's built his entire world view around it.

This is why the only person that Gojo ever let in was Geto, because Gojo believed that Geto was someone who could stand on top with others. THe only person who could believe the strongest, or teach them about love was someone equally as strong. Gojo just happening to meet another sorcerer who was special class as a teenager not only allowed him to have a friend, but fit perfectly into his narrative that he was separate from others and only someone as strong as him could understand. There are people like Shoko and Nanami who treat Gojo normally despite the fact he's the strongest, but Geto was the only one Gojo met in because he met the qualifiaction of being someone equally as strong.

This isn't really the case for Geto. Geto comes to see weak people as inferior yes in the sense he sees Non-Jujutsu Sorcerers as inferior, but Geto is capable of making connections to other Jujutsu Sorcerer. Geto has his family, he has Nanako and Mimiko and the rest of his followers who he all cares about equally. Geto met all of them and chose to relate to them, he even tells Gojo after killing his biological parents that he's choosing who his real family is now.

"It wouldn't be fair if I made an exception for my parents, now would it? Besides my family now consists of more than just them."

Geto demonstrates someone as powerful as Geto can make a choice to relate to other people. It's shown in the way that Geto treats Nanako and Mimiko, he is their father and he raised them as his daughters. Compared to how Megumi is just a student to Gojo. Gojo's only invested in making Megumi into a strong Jujutsu Sorcerer, because Gojo doesn't fathom connecting to someone weaker than him. He's only their to raise up a strong sorcerer, whereas Geto who's capable of connecting with people in other ways is raising up Nanako and Mimiko and they're connected as parent and child.

Geto and Gojo are similiar in a lot of ways, same level of strength comapred to the rest of humanity, same god complex (and yes it is a god coplex, there's a reason the two people Gojo relates to are Geto who has constant religious imagery associated with him and Sukuna who's literally satan) and yet Geto shows someone roughly Gojo's power level can make connections to others Gojo just chooses not to.

This is where I'm stealing from a friend's post a bit. @theanimepsychologist points out that Geto notices the beginnings of Gojo's identity complex soon after it started with Toji.

I always thought of the panel above as Geto being jealous of Gojo surpassing him in strength but, in retrospect, I think Geto’s disappointment had more to do with Gojo’s sense of self over-identifying with the title “the strongest” and how that made him harder to relate to, which is one of the main themes in this chapter. I’ll come back to this in a sec. But first… Quick depth psych segway. I think I’ve said this before, but it bears repeating again that an overwhelming sense of self is all ego. There’s nothing wrong with ego per se. The problem is that an over-identification with ego means inherent separateness because, as an organ of the psyche, the ego sense of self is what gives us a separate identity from the collective.

Geto notices that Gojo is drawing a line between himself and other people, and pulling away because of that because people in the second category of weak can't possibly understand the strong and he's reacting to it. Geto is also the only person to underline to Gojo himself that he's unsure about his own identity.

Gojo knows he's the strongest, but he doesn't know anything about himself besides that, or even what being the strongest entails in his relation to other people. He's never constructed an identity outside of it in part because he's never had to, nobody has ever challenged him for his title as the strongest, and he also fits jujutsu society's mould perfectly. He's perfect at what he does, why would he need to change? Why would a person who reached enlightenment at seventeen need to reflect upon himself or figure out who he is? You can't really become more enlightened.

The other reason he's never constructed an identity is he's never interacted with anyone on equal terms. Metaphorically Gojo exists in a vacuum of human interaction. How appropriate is it in a way that he was sealed in a box where time didn't move completely alone for who knows how long, because that's kind of just how Gojo sees himself in relation to the rest of the world.

As Psycho points out an unregulated ego results in an inherent separateness from the collective. People don't exist in a vacuum however. We wouldn't know who we are if we were entirely alone. We are defined just as much as ourselves, as we are by our interaction with others.

Ich and Du, translated as I and Thou is a book by philosopher Martin Buber. His two main porositions is that we may address existence in two ways:

The attitude of the "I" towards "it" towards an object that is separate in itself, which we either use or experience.

The attitude of "I" towards "Thou" in a relationship in which the other is not separated by discrete bounds.

I -> It is the world of sensations. If I am looking at a chair, I say "This is a chair. This chair is an eyesore." I am seeing the chair. I don't relate to the chair.

I -> Thou can be used to refer to a relationship between human beings. You don't experience the human being., you can only relate to them and what that relationship means to you. He goes on further to say that love requires a subject -> subject relationship. To love someone means you have to relate to them as if they are another being, you can't love an object.

He's a philosopher to put forward that it's human's connections with each other and their ability to relate to each other that brings meaning to life. Gojo in Buber's terms is only experiencing the world around him, not relating to it. How appropriate of someone with the six-eyes, an ability that gives him sight far better than anyone else to see himself as only an observer to the outside world, like a floating pair of eyes.

The choice that Gojo makes not to relate to other human beings on an equal level, not only isolates him, it affects his sense of self. People cannot exist within a background. Gojo's like a vampire who can't see his own reflection. ? It's all because of this caveat that Gojo himself has set up that no one can possibly relate to him unless they were equally as powerful as him that he can't see himself in others. He can't see himself in others, he can't find anyone to help him understand himself, and therefore his identity crisis goes unresolved.

Twitter user @ det_critics pointed this out that the question: "Take away his strength and what is he?" isn't one Gojo has an answer for, and one he's actively been running from.

As I said Gojo literally doesn't have a reflection, we see that in story when the prison realm opens its eye and it's just a void where Gojo's face is supposed to be. Gojo choosing not to think of himself as the strongest is also a choice not to think about who he'd be if he wasn't. A question he evades over and over again by telling himself that he can't be understood by people who are weak b/c he categorically exists on a different plane of reality.

When he does look for an answer it's telling just how not normal Gojo is in who he chooses to empathize with: which is Sukuna.

This is who Gojo as chosen to be the only other person besides Gojo he felt he could relate to. The same person who monologues about weak people like this.

The same person who monologues that weak people shouldn't even be alive, they should be culled. Sukuna sees weak people as insects. Gojo sees them as plants.

The first person that Gojo relates to as a subject rather than an object Geto is cut short, the next person he relates to as a subject is Sukuna of all people. He chooses to see himself in Sukuna, because Sukuna validates that incorrect idea Gojo has that someone as powerful as him could never possibly be understood by other people. After all, Sukuna the strongest sorcerer of all time isn't even really human anymore, he's a curse a calamity. For Gojo who doesn't see himself as relatable to other human beings this is validation of that mistaken notion.

It's also telling of how much Gojo's own identity issues have warped him that he finds a curse personally relatable, and even pitiable because it's lonely. Sukuna, who's main problem is that he's bored because a life of killing people is unfulfilling and it's turned him into an adrenline junkie. This is who Gojo's personally chosen to relate to because they both only see the world in the category of "the strong" and "the weak."

Gojo's viewpoint of other people is mistaken for several reasons, but one interesting one was pointed out for me by Psycho. He refers to his students as flowers, but they're lotus flowers. Lotus flowers mean many things, but they're seen as symbols of purity because they rise up from the mud. Gojo is only looking at the flowers, not the mud they rise from .

"No mud, no lotus. The mud is what makes us who we are, and no one can 100% understand what wading through the mud feels like. I think people see oh shiny lotus, the outcome of wading through the mud but they overlook the self because we live in an outcome oriented society.

Gojo is someone who doesn't see the mud and therefore doesn't relate to the personal struggles of others. Which sabotages a lot of his personal relationships. Which like, to bring Megumi into this, Megumi is proof that Gojo IS NOT NORMAL.

Megumi is the kind of special genius that Gojo is, he's born with the strongest technique one capable of killing Gojo, but he doesn't become a special class at seventeen like Gojo, nor is he interested in doing that because Megumi is an entirely different person with differnt personal struggles than Gojo. He has all the raw potenital that Gojo does, but they have wildly different upbringings. Gojo was primed for success by being the spoiled child of his clan, while Megumi is an abandoned child. It proves again Gojo's maxim of people who have that much power are inhuman and don't follow human psychology is wrong because Megumi has all the potential to be as strong as Gojo, but he's just a normal kid. Megumi is still wading through the mud and Gojo doesn't see that.

GOJO IS NORMAL

Jujutsu Kaisen seems to be following Buber's logic on how identity is defined by the interactions we have with other people, because there was a period in Gojo's life where he did create an identity outside of being a sorcerer and that's when he was Geto's friend.

In the afterlife we even see him regressing to that previous state of being. There was a period for three years in his life that Gojo was something besides being the strongest, and that was when he was Geto's friend too. If Jujutsu Kaisen is about how identity and meaning are both constructed from the interactions we have with other people (subject -> subject) interactions then it's telling that Gojo reverts to his seventeen year old self because that was the first and only time in his life he was capable of relating to another person, and acted like a fully developed person outside of the role of sorcerer he was born to play.

If identities are constructed though that means they're not inherent. Gojo is not inherently the strongest, just as he's not inherently different from other people. This is different from what Gojo's been told his entire life. He was born the strongest. It's inherent to his identity, a fundamental part of who he is. Therefore people who are strong are inherently different from those who are weak, it's something internally different about them which makes it impossible for Gojo to comprehend the motivations of weak people.

Rather than just strong and weak being constructed categories. Gojo's the strongest at Jujutsu but if you took him outside of Jujutsu and asked him to work any other job he'd no longer be the strongest. He's only the strongest as long as he remains in his fish bowl that is Jujutsu Society. However, Gojo believes differently, he believes being the strongest is what he is, it's something inside of him, and something that makes him fundamentally different from others. This is the line that Gojo has been told due to being born with the six-eyes and this is what Gojo has bought.

This is also what his ability the limitless symbolizes, no one in this world can touch him or reach him, he exists somewhere else. However, the limitless can be breached and Gojo has been shown before there are others capable of touching him.

Toji is the first and only living human being to challenge him, until Sukuna comes along. However, Toji does arguably more in story than just give Gojo a good fight. Toji full on traumatized him, soemthing which Gojo refuses to acknowledge. Toji is the beginning of the end of Geto's friendship, the death of Amanai Riko sends Geto on a spiral for an entire years, and drives a wedge between Geto and Gojo's friendship when Geto self isolates and Gojo doesn't know what's wrong with his friend.

Gojo also experiences what it's like to be defeated for the first time in his life, and his response is to perfect the limitless so he runs it constantly all the time. Remember, before that he was exhausting it doing it for three days in a row, and when Geto told him to take a break Gojo reassured him he wasn't worried because he knew Geto had his back. Gojo was someone who could let down the limitless before that, but afterwards Gojo always insists on fighting alone with his shields up all the time. All to deny that feeling of vulnerability that Toji inflicted on him for the first time in his life, something he remembers years later, you know like trauma.

There are times when Gojo is reminded that it's possible he's the same as anyone else, he can experience human weakness. Geto's fall is another time, one post says it's particularly challenging for Gojo to comprehend why Geto would defect because he saw Gojo and himself as above others and therefore immune to human weakness.

gojou 100% has a god complex and thats why getous downfall hit him harder than anyone else. he saw himself and getou as above everyone else and exempt from ‘regular’ peoples flaws, he never thought either of them could be led astray and when getou finally snaps hes bewildered that something like that could ever happen to either of them. hes not just heartbroken over his best friend becoming an enemy, hes thrown for a loop because getou, the one person he thinks of as just as above everyone else and incapable of failing as he is, could ever do something wrong, could ever be wrong. hes finally put into a position where he has to face the fact that hes just as capable of screwing up as anyone else and he can’t make sense of it. gojous hesitance in killing getou isn’t just a byproduct of their friendship, it’s also him realizing that it could have easily been him on the other side of the conflict, which breaks the illusion of him being better than everyone for a second. and like that’s still not enough for him to reject this idea, personally i think that his comment about him and getou being 'the strongest’ in volume 0 is indicative of the fact that despite everything he still hasn’t grown out of this delusion.

Gojo has trauma, because he's a human being with human psychology. He makes mistakes, he has terrible past regrets like his friendship with Geto gone wrong, but he doesn't acknowledge those things because as stated above Gojo thinks he's immune to having regular people flaws. Gojo seeing himself in another category from regular human beings also allows himself to deny an vulnerability, because the strongest isn't supposed to have weaknesses. Seeing yourself as too distant to ever be touched by others also means they can never hurt you, emotionally or otherwise, an extreme form of the hedgehog's dilemna which is explored an Neon Gengesis Evangelion, an existentialist piece Gege takes obvious inspiration from.

The fact that he avoids other human beings, not because he's fundamentally incapable of understanding them but because he's distancing himself from human feelings like loss, pain, suffering these weaknesses that are part of the human experience just proves he's the same as everyone else. If he wasn't capable of feeling those things he wouldn't avoid it, he wouldn't spend ten years mourning Suguru but not killing him directly until he was forced to on December 24th, he wouldn't be trapped by the box because seeing Geto alive made him have a three minute long trauma flashback.

Gojo is a normal human, with normal human emotions and human psychology, albeit twisted from the power he was born with and his unique viewpoint of the world but he doesn't believe that he is. He uses that as an excuse not to interact with others and because of this his identity suffers. Gojo is someone defined by how limited he is in the story despite having limited power.

Gojo fails as much in the story as he succeeds. As my friend @justapanda put it.

"But, it loos like being strong isn't enough..." Another point could also be made here that, regardless of being the strongest at this point, Gojo was incapable of stopping his closest friend from straying down a dark path, which is perhaps Gojo’s greatest failing in the series. This failure also comes back to bite him much later on as Kenjaku’s ace in the hole to finally checkmate Gojo involved surprising him with the now possessed body of Geto, which distracted Gojo long enough for him to be successfully sealed by the prison realm. Once again, the vast amount of power that Gojo had attained turned out to be completely useless in preventing his own sealing, which has now placed him in an inactive role for over half of Jujutsu Kaisen’s duration. Earlier in the story, Gojo once said: “Ironic, isn’t it? Given everything, but unable to do anything.” when referring to the function of his own domain. This was another intentional use of foreshadowing to describe the dilemma that Gojo was inevitably going to face himself. Satoru Gojo is no limitless man, for no one man is without his limits." Another point could also be made here that, regardless of being the strongest at this point, Gojo was incapable of stopping his closest friend from straying down a dark path, which is perhaps Gojo’s greatest failing in the series. This failure also comes back to bite him much later on as Kenjaku’s ace in the hole to finally checkmate Gojo involved surprising him with the now possessed body of Geto, which distracted Gojo long enough for him to be successfully sealed by the prison realm. Once again, the vast amount of power that Gojo had attained turned out to be completely useless in preventing his own sealing, which has now placed him in an inactive role for over half of Jujutsu Kaisen’s duration. Earlier in the story, Gojo once said: “Ironic, isn’t it? Given everything, but unable to do anything.” when referring to the function of his own domain. This was another intentional use of foreshadowing to describe the dilemma that Gojo was inevitably going to face himself. Satoru Gojo is no limitless man, for no one man is without his limits.

Gojo has moments where he brushes up against the idea that he's not capable of doing everything, that he has faults and fails like every other human being. However, that feeling never really lasts for long. He always tends to double down on his belief that he's the strongest rather than facing his faults because that's where he's comfortable. Gojo can't see himself reflected in other people and therefore is not capable of reflecting and critically evaluating his faults. Not only that but avoiding looking too critically at those losses, he also stops himself from feeling the pain of those losses and denies that vulnerability.

Gojo exists on another plane from other human beings, and therefore why would he experience human sadness and pain? All he feels is a vague sense of loneliness and unfulfillment because he's been so alienated from his own emotions and in Gojo's mind that's better than struggling with weakness. Who would deliberately choose to be just like everyone else when you can be special? Why get close to others when the hedgehog's spines are just going to stab you? However, people form connections because of their weaknesses. Humans cooperate with each other because they are a social species. All of society exists because people divide labor and help each other out. Even Gojo can't say there's no point in his life where he was weak, because he was cared for as a child and raised in a family. He didn't come out of the womb a fully formed individual. The darwinian survival of the fittest, and the black and white strong vs. weak way that Gojo sees the world just doesn't exist, especially in modern society. There's nothing wrong with individualism, but the extreme end of individualism is wrong because no one exists in this world alone you share it with everyone else.

Gojo doesn't even see that though, because he's not living in the same world as everyone else. In his mind the limitless makes it so he basically exists on another plane of reality, but again the limitless can be breached.

Detective critics basically said that Gojo's delusion was always a false one, he always existed in the same world as everyone else, he simply deluded himself into believing otherwise. There are reasons for this, his upbringing, trauma and not wanting to face the pain of that trauma, but it's still a choice he made. Gojo didn't want to live for other people, he didn't want to relate for them, so he lived for himself pursuing his own strength. Ironically, it reflects Toji's own decision to take pride in neither himself or others and live only for the sake of showing that the Jujutsu World that rejected him was wrong.

Toji chose to live a life where he only lived to fight and prove he was stronger than the sorcerers who rejected him. He chose it over his own son Megumi, abandoning him in order to continue his lifestyle as a mercenary. He even chose it over continuing to live because he stayed and fought against Gojo to prove he was stronger than the pinnacle of Jujutsu. Toji lives for strength, and he is someone even Gojo respected the strength of, but what else does he have?

Toji's identity is unstable, he doesn't really live for any purpose, he kills people then blows the money gambling, he jumps from women to women to mooch off of them, he's also mentally unstable as well he shoots a little girl in the back of the head and feels nothing. The instability comes from his isolation, Toji is rejected by everyone the same way that Gojo is lauded by everyone. But Toji goes on step further in that he fails to construct any identity outside of being rejected and his entire life is spent rejecting the people who rejected him. Why does Toji want to be strong, he doesn't know. Purpose is something you have to construct for yourself, because there's no inherent meaning to life. Identity is something that's constructed by both yourself and your interactions with others because people aren't born inherently one thing or the other.

Gojo and Toji just refuse to do this, and only focus on themselves and the goal of being stronger. In Gojo's case I'd argue he doesn't fight for other people because he doesn't feel that connection with other people or rather he doesn't let himself. Hedgehog's dilemna to the extreme. Gojo only fighting for himself isn't Nanami calling him a selfish person who doesn't care about others, it's sad because Gojo never found any other reason to fight or meaning to his life but by getting stronger for its own sake.

Gojo only fights for the sake of satisfying himself, but here's the clincher, he's unsatisfied. Not only did he fail in his goal of giving Sukuna the fight of his life, because he knew Sukuna was holding back on him, but also admits to Geto that what would have really been satisfying is if Geto was there with him to pat him on the back.

He's failed on both fronts, he's failed at being the strongest and he's failed at making a connection to the people in his life. Gojo and Toji die in pretty much the same way, they die standing up in the middle of battle, but their last thoughts aren't of disappointment that they lost but their loved ones.

They spent their entire lives believing they were stronger and therefore different than others, and fighting to satisfy their ego and what does it amount to? Toji lived a life of hedonism and then died abandoning the one person he genuinely loved. Gojo has failed his stated goal of revolutionizing Jujutsu Society and dies before he can see whether or not his dream of a reset Jujutsu World will even come to fruition.

They belived they were someone stronger and therefore inherently better, and are put in their place when someone stronger comes along. They die just like all the other mortals. They believed they were alone so they died alone. It's sad and it goes to show how destructive being "the strongest" was to Gojo's identity in the end. Gojo thinks he's Sukuna but Gojo doesn't want to be Sukuna, because Sukuna's alone, and unlike Gojo you could make the point that Sukuna's not a human being who has human emotions because he's a curse. If Gojo was truly someone who could understand Sukuna he would have been truly alone the same way Sukuna is, and that's not what he wanted.

It's too bad Gojo never thought seriously about what he wanted, and therefore learned his lesson too late. He was always looking for someone he could relate to, except for in the people who were right in front of him.

#gojo satoru #jjk meta #satosugu #geto suguru #ryomen sukuna #jjk 236 #jjk 236 spoilers #jujutsu kaisen 236 #jujutsu kaisen 236 spoilers #jjk spoilers #jujutsu kaisen spoilers #jujutsu kaisen #jujutsu kaisen meta

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gintrinsic-writing · 8 months

Text

Twilight was a no-good filthy traitor. Legend hoped a bird shit on his head, or that he had to walk with wet socks, or that all of his hair burned off during the next monster fight. It would only serve him right.

“He looks like he’s plottin’ my demise,” Twilight muttered in an aside to Hyrule.

“Because I am,” Legend bit out, only keeping his voice down so the others didn’t wake. If there was any mercy to be found, it was that Twilight hadn’t told anyone else yet. Goddess knows that would only make things worse.

Hyrule took a slow, deep breath—bracing himself, or maybe out of patience. Legend didn’t know him well enough to say, yet. For a healer, he was surprisingly prickly at times. “We’re only concerned, Legend. Let us help you.”

“And I’m telling you, there’s nothing to help.”

“Twilight said he’s seen you wearing those rings every night.” Hyrule glanced at Legend’s fingers pointedly. “We recognize them. You once mentioned they’re for healing.”

“So what?” Legend snarked.

“So quit being a stubborn bastard and tell us where you’re hurt,” Twilight grumbled, voice just shy of too loud. “You wouldn’t wear ‘em without reason. You’ve said yourself you don’t like wastin’ magic.”

“They’re passive,” Legend sighed, then held up his hands when they both scoffed and opened their mouths to argue. “Why can’t you simply trust me to handle my own shit?”

“Because you’re not on your own now,” Hyrule argued. “We’re a team, and if you’re hurting when one of us can help—”

“Good Three, are you deaf?” Legend snapped in a whisper. “I already said you can’t!”

Hyrule’s ears flattened, and he lowered his gaze. Legend instantly felt like shit.

“Prove it, then,” Twilight said. “Let him do a quick scan, and if there’s truly nothing, we’ll apologize and leave you alone.”

Legend wanted to throw something. He half-considered shoving Twilight just to have an outlet for some of his frustration, but the farm boy was built like a brick shithouse. Probably wouldn’t do Legend the courtesy of budging. “You know what? Fine. Since you’re incapable of respecting my privacy, fine.”

They both looked chastised, but not enough to stop them from taking advantage of Legend’s reluctant acquiescence. Hyrule stepped forward—and wasn’t that its own sharp discomfort, allowing someone into his space without bristling—and placed glowing hands near Legend’s head and chest. For a moment, the only sound was the crackle of the camp fire. Then Hyrule made an unhappy sound in the back of his throat.

“Your right knee…”

As if on cue, an ache shot up through Legend’s leg. “Old ACL tear.”

“It didn’t heal well.”

“No.”

Seconds passed, Hyrule chewing on his lower lip. “What about your back?”

“Nerve damage after a fall.”

Twilight winced. “How high?”

Legend bitterly recalled the unforgiving rocky slopes of Tal Tal Heights. “High,” he answered curtly.

Hyrule shifted his hands. “Your hip—was it dislocated?”

“Mhm. Lynel clipped me.”

“It’s not… Your socket must’ve been damaged as well. It’s not a great fit.”

“I’m aware.”

“And your left ankle?” Hyrule asked quietly. “A fracture?”

“I didn’t have time to set it properly. Had to chug a potion and run.” He figured it went without saying that the alternative would’ve been much worse.

Hyrule frowned. “There’s some scarring in your lungs. Does it hurt to breathe?”

A small raft, a large storm. Choking on salt water as waves crashed overhead. Waking up on Koholint, convinced he must’ve drowned— “Not enough to matter.”

“I see…” Hyrule suddenly took Legend’s left hand in both of his. He was so, so gentle. It made Legend want to hide under a rock. “Can you feel anything in your palm?”

“Besides pins and needles?” Legend shrugged. “Hardly. Burn went too deep.”

Twilight shifted uncomfortably where he stood. “Hyrule, can you heal any of this?”

Hyrule hesitated, then took a step back, letting go of Legend’s hand. “I can try but…” He shook his head sadly. “There’s so much more. So many little traumas that healed wrong, or weren’t addressed in time. Some of your joints are relying on scar tissue for support to function. The arthritis alone, it—I can’t even imagine. Oh, Legend, I’m so sor—”

“I know,” Legend hissed, feeling his face burn with embarrassment. “I fucking know, but you both insisted, and—and there’s nothing to be done, is there? Nothing to do but deal with it, like I always have.” He scoffed, fidgeting with one of his rings. “Only now, you know how broken I am. Congratulations, I guess. I’m proof of what it means to be the goddesses’ favorite.”

Twilight reached out, probably intending to offer comfort, but Legend flinched away. He wasn’t sure why he’d said that last bit. He wished he could take it back. “Just… please,” he started, too tired and ashamed to keep up his anger. “Give me some privacy, and don’t tell the others. Can you at least do that for me?”

Twilight finally looked appropriately regretful. Too bad it didn’t make Legend feel any better. “Of course, Ledge,” he murmured. “And I’m—truly, I’m sorry for pryin’.”

“It’s fine,” Legend said, which wasn’t true, but it was better than “whatever” or “you should be.” He thinks they understood anyway.

#chronic pain legend #ain’t no way you can go through that many quests and not be a little fucked up #especially alone and without adequate time or opportunity for recovery #this started out a little silly then quickly turned mopey oops #I imagine this is only a couple weeks into knowing each other #linked universe #lu fic #lu legend #gintrinsic writing #lu twilight #lu hyrule

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writing-for-life · 5 months

Note

WHAT DO YOU MEAN DREAM'S HAIR USED TO BE WHITE!! oh my god. i just saw your post about killala and i have now perished. thanks for breaking my heart.

but also hi!! i'm relatively new to the fandom and it's a great place to be. i haven't finished reading all the comics yet but i'm curious to know:

what do you think are the main differences between TV!Dream and Comics!Dream? i've heard so many people claiming that he is incapable of changing, for instance, and though the show does convey his overall rigidity pretty well, i'm not getting the vibe that he's immutable.

also!! it's clear that he feels a lot. which is always funny to me when the corinthian is like yo, try this and maybe you'll feel something for a change but like. he does!!! or i get the impression that he does. he probably feels too much if anything?? all of it simmering just beneath the surface, barely contained. how would you personally analyze his relationship with his own emotions?

i hope all of this is coherent enough for you to answer lmao, i saw your post about enjoying being asked sandman questions two seconds after i woke up and barged into your inbox. hope you have a lovely day!

Thanks so much for the ask, and welcome if you’re new(ish) to the fandom! 🤗

I’m sorry I broke your heart—much more heartbreak to come I fear if you haven’t read the comics yet, so I’ll try to keep this as spoiler-free as possible.

I am one of those people who believes the differences between comics!Dream and show!Dream are actually not as big as they are made out to be where it matters, and you will definitely find people who disagree. At the end of the day, we all read it through our own lens and will never be fully objective about it.

The main difference I see is that they filed off the rough edges of the comics a bit to make a new audience sympathise more. It’s very hard to do that with a character who is basically in full arsehole mode for most of the first 40 issues or so, and even then only slowly begins to come out of it (although we can obviously see glimmers of what lies below the surface at the beginning of the comics, too, but it’s far more subtle than in the show). I’ve worked in musical theatre for a over decade of my life and understand a bit about bringing the written word to stage/screen, and some things simply don’t translate well from book to stage/screen, and you have to change it. So my personal opinion is we get a more sympathetic Morpheus and certain changes so the audience can do exactly that—sympathise off the bat. You will lose an audience pretty quickly if they don’t care about the protagonist and the universe he moves in, and you can’t be as nuanced about it as you can be in a written work. We’re talking about streaming services thinking about profits here, even if people don’t want to hear it.

Also: The more you sympathise with a character, the deeper the emotional investment and the more you feel, even if it hurts.

Having said this, I don’t think Morpheus is incapable of change, and I never got where that idea comes from. His biggest flaw is that he believes he cannot change (and even he has moments when he admits he might have). In the introduction to Endless Nights, Neil Gaiman says that he was once asked to describe The Sandman in twenty-five words or less, and famously, it was this (you might have heard it):

“The Lord of Dreams learns that one must change or die, and makes his decision.”

And I think some people might have wrongly taken that for an either/or thing. I don’t want to say too much at this point because I don’t know how much you know (if you’d like spoilers or already know how it ends, let me know, I’ll happily expand on it). Only so much:

He is capable of change, also in the comics. Very obviously so. But just like he denies he has his own story (which also isn’t true), he denies he can change. Or at least he thinks he perhaps cannot change enough (it’s actually hard to write about this without giving everything away, help! 🙈).

As for his feelings: He does feel, but again, it is something he pushes down and will deny himself. Until it bursts to the surface and breaks through, and when that happens, it’s usually with, well, let’s say varying results, and that’s putting it mildly. Personally, I’d say he has problems relating to his feelings, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel. Quite the opposite in my view. He holds the collective unconscious—all unprocessed feelings and whatever else floats around in that collective mess, and it’s exactly what he says to the Corinthian in that famous scene: he needs to keep a lid on it and keep that lid firmly closed so all of it doesn’t consume him. But that also means denying himself the feelings that are linked to his own personhood (if you want to call it that). There’s Dream of the Endless, and then there’s Morpheus. And while they’re one and the same and inseparable, Morpheus is also the “point of view”. The character, the person, if you will. And deep down, he craves that personhood so badly. Out of all the Endless, he is the only one who basically collects names because they mean having something beyond his function, which is also mirrored in what he tells Death in “The Sound of her Wings”: he wants something more. He is the only one whose realm is populated with sentient beings (yes, I know Despair has rats, but I think you get my drift). He is desperately lonely and struggles with it. He seeks connection yet denies it to himself. That’s not someone who doesn’t feel.

I don’t know if this answers your questions at all—I was doing the wild “spoiler-free” dance 🤣 But please let me know if you want me to go a bit deeper, I love talking about this stuff.

You can also have a look at my metas if you haven’t already. The headers pretty much explain what they’re about and what spoiler-level to expect, but none of them are truly spoiler-free I guess:

Again, thanks so much for encroaching on my inbox, and feel free to follow up if anything was left unanswered.

@dreamaturgy ask answered

#the sandman #sandman #dream of the endless #morpheus #sandman meta #ask answered #send asks #sandman analysis #sandman character analysis #sandman comics #the sandman netflix

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cryoux · 1 year

Text

Alhaitham with reader who has chronic pain (from Eleazar)

Pain was a constant thing in your life. As far back as you could remember, you'd felt pain every day of your life. Sometimes, it was on the surface, manifesting in an itch that hurt to scratch but was agonizing to leave alone. Or it could come as a pounding headache, threatening to knock you to the ground with each new wave. There was even pain in your very bones, the supposedly solid structure of your skeleton suddenly feeling brittle and frankly useless.

Pondering thusly: if you felt pain each waking hour and even seeping into your sleep, did you really feel the pain at all?

It would be nice to consider these fascinating questions, maybe write an essay about it - if only you could find yourself mobile enough to hold a pen.

Today, it was your wrists. Stiff, brittle, useless. There was no hope of doing anything today, or even tomorrow, for that matter. It was all you could do to lift a cup of water to your lips. Archons, you hated this feeling. Most days were completely fine, you could almost forget about the lifelong agony, the torture of merely existing. Not this time.

Still, you refused to wallow in bed. Instead you unwrapped the binding bandages over your arms, closed all the windows, locked the door, and tried to do anything to pass the time. Solitaire, a game of chess (playing as two nonpartisan people, of course), cleaning dishes (you only broke two!), and sweeping until the floor was spotless. At some point, you'd stupidly tried to wash the floor on your hands and knees, only to be stuck there in agony for fifteen minutes.

Useless. You felt so useless, not only to yourself, but everyone around you. Constantly asking for deadline extensions, unable to finish in-class assignments, incapable of doing the simplest household chores. Here you sat, here you stayed, and only here you allowed the silent tears to fall.

A knock on the door startled you, and you reeled in shock before hurriedly wiping your eyes dry. Could it be your research partner, wondering why you hadn't met with them today? Or maybe it was your neighbor, who saw all the closed blinds and wanted to make sure you were alright.

For some reason, the actual answer surprised you more than the other two unlikely events. You rolled the sleeves of your jacket down before you opened the door and peeked out, but it appeared there was never a need for the secrecy. There at the door stood Alhaitham, solemnly meeting your gaze.

Though he didn't speak, you could feel the questions burning into you. You both loved and loathed how easily he could read you; it made for easy communication on your part, but you could never hide anything.

Maintaining the silence was a simple task. You turned away from him, retreating into the darkened house without even closing the door - you knew Alhaitham would take care of it. Did you particularly want him here right now? No, not like this. Not with how vulnerable you felt.

"You didn't call for me."

You flinched at the sudden rumble of his voice. There was more intrigue than concern in his voice, while his expression gave nothing. The only thing that you could deduce was that he wasn't entirely happy with you.

"No, because I'm fine." A lie. Both of you knew it, and Alhaitham sighed to indicate as such.

"You're not fine. And frankly, it's insulting that you'd assume I would believe that." He wasn't mean about it, he was simply telling you to cut the shit. You knew he wasn't truly insulted; there were plenty of other things to stroke his ego.

You scoffed. "Maybe I am this time. You can't dictate how I'm feeling." The argument was ridiculous as you said it, and you could hear the exasperation building in Alhaitham.

"Your bandages are off, meaning you haven't left the house, nor do you plan to. The blinds are all closed because you don't want to risk anyone seeing you right now, the chess board is one move away from checkmate, you haven't put your books away," Alhaitham strode through the living room as he pointed out each miniscule detail that you had long since given up on. "The counter is wet," he nodded toward the kitchen, where water was sitting all over the counter, "There's this bit you forgot to clean up," he lifted a small piece of the porcelain plate that had met its demise earlier that day. "And there is a straw in your cup." He finished his little walk through, circling back around to stand in front of you. You couldn't quite meet his gaze. "Shall I continue?"

The more he had pointed out, the worse you felt - seeing as you couldn't, he would have to clean most of these things. Adding chores to his schedule was the last thing you wanted to do. You shook your head, unable to keep the words in any longer.

"I didn't mean to leave everything out. I was just trying to pass the time, and everything I tried went wrong. I couldn't even stay asleep long enough for a nap, and the bed isn't made, the laundry is still outside, the floor is half clean, I broke two dishes not just the one, I dropped my hair brush in the bathroom, I can't make food for myself, I'm-"

You were silenced by a firm grasp on your aching wrists - firm, but not the slightest bit harsh, and you dared to raise your eyes up to meet his.

"Honestly," he huffed, "You're impossible." How had he known where you were going with that? How could he tell you were spiraling before even you realized it? Alhaitham gently tugged you to the couch, sitting you both down. The sleeves of your jacket were gently rolled back up, exposing the horrid sight of them. You tried to pull your accursed hands away, but to absolutely no avail. Instead, the green of Alhaitham's Dendro vision began to glow, and a faint light emanated from his hands on your wrists.

Within moments, the pain in your arms began to ebb, and you felt warm as sunlight on a lovely spring day. Shocked, you stared at where he held you, watching the scaly appearance of your skin reverse its effect ever so slightly. What in Teyvat was this?

You opened your mouth to inquire as such, but he silenced you almost immediately. "I encountered Tighnari today. He recently wrote a comprehensive analysis of The Withering occuring throughout Sumeru. Eleazar is linked to it almost directly; it seems he even has some firsthand experience." Alhaitham never met your gaze, as if he was just a little shy. "Since dendro seems to temporarily reverse the effects of Withering, I thought I should try…" in a rare moment of uncertainty, he paused. "...something."

His words were truthfully the only cure you needed.

After a bout of silence disturbed only by internal thought, you cracked a smile. "So you thought if you infused your hands with dendro, you'd take some of the pain away." These words seemed to be correct as Alhaitham's green eyes narrowed, almost reminiscent of a pout. How cute.

"It was only my hypothesis." He grumbled.

"Well it was correct." Your smile was soft, as soft as the grip he had on your hands. Beneath the layers of sarcasm and apathy, every now and then a spark of emotion would shine through, and you lived for each one of those moments, where you could finally see Alhaitham's humanity once more.

#intended romantically but could be platonic #i wrote this at least a year ago sorry #alhaitham #genshin impact #alhaitham x reader #genshin x reader #sumeru #alhaitham fluff #alhaitham x you #alhaitham x y/n

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matchabears · 2 years

Text

notes on falling in love

pairing. alhaitham x reader (feat. kaveh) synopsis. it’s in the little things, really. wc. 1k themes. angst, unrequited pining, modern au(ish) because i barely give any description lmao, this is mostly about feelings, feelings tw, alhaitham is a robot science man allergic to the human spectrum of emotion now playing. hoax by taylor swift note. the way i’m shit at writing angst but am incapable of writing anything else

“you don’t like me very much, do you?”

alhaitham pauses, in the middle of shelving the stack of books in his arms. he doesn’t look down, but he can see you blinking curiously up at him in his peripheral.

he’s relieved that he’s at the very top of the ladder, so you don’t notice the way his fingers tighten around the spine of the book and how he has to shift his weight so he doesn’t lose his balance. when he opens his mouth to respond, he draws in a shaky breath.

“i have no reason to like or dislike you,” he responds curtly. “so long as you do your job properly.”

that’s right, he has no need for such useless sentiments; he’s a man of science after all. flowery language and cursory emotions are a waste of energy and all detract from his ultimate goal of pursuing concrete, infallible knowledge.

so he steadies himself and climbs down the ladder, ignoring how tightly his heart constricts when he sees you smile.

it’s just an organ.

“i guess i walked right into that one,” you grin before nodding towards the stack of books in his arms. “need help with those?”

“no,” he simply says, pulling the ladder to the other side of the shelf. with his back turned to you, he’s much more at ease. if he can’t see you, then he can’t find another attribute of yours to commit to memory.

you don’t listen, though, because you never do. instead, you snatch the books from him and climb the ladder yourself before he can react.

“what are you doing?” he furrows his brows.

“trying to get on your good side,” you hum.

“is this why you’ve been following me around all day?” he sighs.

you wince sheepishly. “was it that obvious? i thought i was being pretty subtle.”

alhaitham, with traitorous eyes trained to notice and analyze every little detail, follows the movement as if it had a magnetic pull, dragging his gaze across your features. he drinks in the color of your eyes, the slope of your nose, the flutter of your eyelashes, the glow of your skin, and the tinted sheen on your lips like he were studying a textbook on astrophysics.

but it would be amiss to compare you to any branch of science, he supposes. sciences produces results, logic, and answers.

you are loud and obnoxious, ironic for someone who works in a library. you are a hindrance more than help to most of the daily tasks, cutting down productivity by at least fifty percent with your chattering and penchant for distraction. you are person with a naturally alluring disposition that draws people in. you are able to speak to patrons of the library with a charm that seems mystical to him. you are a warmth that only exists in the confines of fantasy. you are everything he finds to be a waste of time in a person, and you are everything that he is not.

you are the only anomaly he can’t solve.

“you are many things, but subtle is not one of them.”

that makes you laugh, and the ladder, as old and rickety as it is, trembles just like the stupid organ that is his heart. as if it were a reflex, alhaitham reaches out his hand and steadies the ladder.

it’s a pointless gesture, really. him holding the ladder still doesn’t eliminate the risk of you falling. yet, he grips the wooden material so tightly that his knuckles turn white.

“is it so wrong of me to want to be friends with my new boyfriend’s roommate and also my co-worker for way longer than that?” you whine.

what ridiculous titles, he thinks to himself. he and you can barely even be regarded as acquaintances, but you’ve somehow found a way to establish a connection. alhaitham doesn’t even want to be acquaintances with you, most certainly not friends.

he despises that you are almost nothing to him. why couldn’t you be something or just nothing? you’re almost. almost something and almost nothing all at the same time. that gray area makes him feel, feel, feel—that damn word—like he isn’t in control; it’s an ugly, dark sensation that coils in the pit of his stomach like a venomous snake.

“i don’t want to be friends with you,” he chokes out, a desperate tinge to his voice that he hopes you don’t notice.

“well, i’m a lot more stubborn than you think, so just you wait,” you reply in a teasing manner.

a muscle in his jaw spasms just as someone calls out your name, sparing him from having to respond.

alhaitham watches as your face, the one he’s been enraptured with since the moment he’s laid eyes on you, lights up with an expression that he will never be able to bring out of you.

you hurriedly climb down the ladder, your conversation with him long forgotten, and he doesn’t need to turn around to know who it is.

“kaveh!”

logically, it makes sense that you ended up with kaveh. he leads with his heart instead of his head, he lets his personal attachments get in the way of rationality, and he’s a person that will consider your feelings first and foremost. and above all, he has the capacity to love you.

love, a mere chemical defect of the brain. love, needless self-sacrifice for a temporary high. love, a concept that alhaitham will never understand.

the way you smooth out the non-existent wrinkles in your shirt,

the way you aimlessly fidget with your fingers and bounce on the balls of your feet,

the way you drink the can of black coffee he hands you even though you dump at least five spoonfuls of sugar in your normal cup,

the way you suck on your bottom lip to hide the bitterness and smear away the lip gloss you put on especially for him,

the way your breath hitches when he laces your fingers through his and brings your knuckles to his lips,

the way you look at kaveh just like how alhaitham looks at you.

“you don’t like me very much, do you?”

no, he doesn’t.

#genshin scenarios #genshin imagines #genshin x reader #genshin impact x reader #alhaitham x reader #alhaitham angst #alhaitham scenarios #alhaitham imagines #alhaitham drabble #genshin angst #genshin alhaitham #genshin fanfic #alhaitham #drabble #genshin impact #matchabears

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problematicfactive · 1 month

Text

Fruit Salad is a new discord server. They are a fun. Welcoming community. Too bad they're actually not accepting of anyone they don't agree with and believe trying to come to an understanding is "unproductive"

If anyone is able to provide image IDs, that would be amazing, I'm physically incapable at the moment

The first red flag was their rules saying something along the lines of "be respectful to sources, of a source is problematic, report it in a ticket" surely that will go well.

Our host clued into it, and immediately opened a ticket to ask what that meant. of course they claimed they knew Introjects don't choose their source BUT problematic introjects have to source separate.

Fellas, is it appropriate to claim that any introject, problematic or not is "parading" their source by simply. Existing?

Now I will admit. When we were asked "what we were trying to do" we assumed they meant "why are we having this conversation" and did our best to explain that. However, looking back, this may not have been the question they wanted an answer to. The question feels too vague to answer, and we did our best. It also seemed like they were just trying to change the topic of conversation because they didn't want to be face with the fact that they were wrong and we had a good point.

Again, I don't understand what they want to know when they say "what is your end goal" my end goal is to know what's okay so I can know if I'm safe in this community.

To be as insensitive as to make a joke about using a discord bot being torturous when I had just been talking about abuse of individuals is what told me I wasn't safe. Someone after that when said "LMAO" which I skipped over to make the whole conversation fit better

And this is actually a problem I've been having for a while so I have something that people need to get through their heads and we need to help people to understand

No one has to disclose a SINGLE BIT of information about their system to ANYONE. If a mod is trying to coax the information out of you or shaming you for not giving it, you need to call them out for being innapropriate because asking these questions and using your position to ask these questions or shame for not answering is a absolutely innapropriate

Now I have explained this before, but I will explain this again and probably 100 more times. When my system found out who my source was, I was abused. at the same time, I was forced to undergo name changes and identify under different faces. It was a terrible and isolating experience and absolutely a part of the abuse I endured. And while another system can easily say "okay, whatever, Ted can be Dan in this server" we can't. Because I can't. Because of the abuse I endured I can't lie about who I am it is torturous to me. It leaves me unhappy. It leaves me feeling sick. I don't deserve to be exposed to old abuse I endured because you relate source separation to keeping your old name.

Guess what, a name is a word someone calls to get your attention.

And a pic of you is what you look like

And neither of these things have anything to do with what i support or enjoy

Stop acting like my worth is based on my source and start acting like it's based on what I do for my system. People who show up to the hypocrite competition go home when they see people like you (directed at people like this not any reader) because you're the all time champion and that's not something to be proud of. Don't run system friendly spaces if you think source connection comes from how much like you your pfp looks

#problematic factive #factive #problematic source #introject #problematic introject #system #plural #sysblr #plural community #image id needed

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lets-try-some-writing · 1 year

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Can you write another part for the Secret of the Primacy AU? I must know what happens next!

How will Ratchet react going his friend is actually gone?

How will the autobots react knowing they have been lead by one that is technically a child?

How will the decepticons and Megatron act?

Will Jack view Optimus differently because of his obsession?

How will poor Optimus feel with his big secret out?

Let there be angst!

Sorry this took so long to get to! I am absolutely flooded with requests and schoolwork at the moment. So apologies. But here it is! The next part to my second favorite au! Part 1 here, and part 2 here.

Innocent Sacrifice

It was not really intentional on Optimus's part, but even with the Matrix in his chassis, sometimes he needed to feel. And so after Jack was taken from base and kept away from him, the stability that Optimus had carefully constructed for his mind cracked.

All throughout the war Optimus kept himself in check by relying on the Matrix to suppress his emotions, doting on Bumblebee to distract himself, and drowning himself in enough guilt over simply existing for any of his own feelings aside from it to not matter. It was not healthy by any means, but the constant mental berating that he gave himself kept him in check. Day in and day out he chanted to himself a simple creed.

You do not deserve to feel, keep your emotions hidden, they do not matter.

The lives of others are more important than your own, they must always come first, even at your own expense.

Orion Pax should have lived and you should have died. Remember that and live only to honor him.

It was an easy creed to remember, and Optimus lived by it like gospel. But after having the Matrix lose its power after the Unicron incident, something slipped in Optimus's mind. Coding he had long kept dormant through an unholy mix of differing suppressors and extreme stress began to act up. And while he could have shut the coding down immediately and stopped it from doing anything if he had been aware of the need to keep it locked down, Optimus without his memory saw no need.

As such when Optimus regained his memories, he was left in a tough spot. He found himself falling deep into hyper-fixation and could do nothing to stop it even after he began getting back on his suppressors. His long dormant sparkling code which never had the chance to mature and grow into that of an adults acted upon what he saw. The coding urged him to seek out a guardian, a Sire, or a Nurturer. Someone, anyone to guide him and give him love. He was helpless to stop his fall into desperation once Jack was put before him and proclaimed to be like his Sire.

So when everything came crashing down and Jack was taken away from Optimus, he felt like everything was hopeless. He spiraled, his Prime coding unable to sway him and the Matrix incapable of stopping him as his sparkling coding reared its helm and demanded he lash out in an instinctual need to escape danger. And so he did, he lashed out at both himself and the team, his long suppressed coding overriding everything else in favor of getting what it needed and had been denied for far too long. After his initial mad ramble about how he couldn't fail Jack, Optimus grew angry at the team's prodding and demands for answers. He stood and in a burst of emotional rage told them the truth, not caring for the repercussions and just wanting to have something change.

Ratchet: Optimus! You need to tell us the truth!

Optimus: You want the fragging truth?! Fine! Here is your truth! No Prime has been chosen since the dawn of time!

Arcee: What does that even mean-!

Optimus: You think a mortal could bear this burden!? You think the average Cybertronian could endure the sins of our entire people!?

Bulkhead: Prime, you need to calm down-

Optimus: I was MADE for this! Born for this purpose and for no other! A sacrifice was offered and in return I came into being!

Bumblebee: Sire, please, we don't understand!

Ratchet: Orion, you aren't making any sense!

Optimus: Don't call me that! My name is OPTIMUS PRIME! I am NOT Orion! I never was!

It wasn't a very detailed reveal, but it got the point across fairly well. While Optimus fumed and marched off to go rage and then wallow over the fact that he gave his biggest secret up privately, the team stood in shock. It took a long while for the pieces to click into place, but when it did, everything hit them like a fright train. They didn't know everything, but they did gather that 1. Optimus and Orion were NOT the same person. 2. Orion died or otherwise was replaced by Optimus. 3. Optimus was by all accounts less than a millennia old if what he said was true and he was forged when Orion travelled to Primus's core.

The team were totally and completely flabbergasted by everything.

Optimus did not come out of his room for over a week afterward. His room was locked tight and barred from the inside. He didn't even come out for fuel, instead choosing starvation over having to face the team. He didn't communicate with anyone, not even over comm link, and kept his bond with Bumblebee firmly blocked off. He completely and totally isolated himself and the team were far too shocked to do much about it for the first few days.

Ratchet took the reveal the hardest. He didn't know how he should feel. Was anger the right response? After all, Optimus had lied to him and everyone else since the moment he came to the Autobots proclaiming himself Prime. Was sadness the proper thing to feel? His oldest friend had been dead for nearly a millennia and a literal sparkling had been thrust into the place Orion left behind. Or was he perhaps supposed to feel shock and pity? Optimus was obviously suffering and had been since the moment of his creation. He was a sparkling and had led them to war, killed countless soldiers, and made choices meant for mecha a thousand times his age. He had been forced to keep quiet and lie, never revealing anything or allowing himself to feel and be himself, a right all sparklings should be entitled to. What in the pits was he supposed to feel? Ratchet didn't know. But what he was certain of was that a sparkling was hurting more than he could ever imagine, and so for at least a little while, his own feelings needed to be put aside.

If all that remained of Orion was the broken sparkling that had been given the mantle of Prime, then Ratchet would do everything in his power to protect the legacy of his oldest friend. He could grieve at a later date, but at the moment a sparkling, the sparkling of Orion needed his aid.

Arcee was left conflicted but mostly shocked. She did not hold any grudges against Optimus for keeping his secret. She was well aware of the corruption of Cybertron's religious and political groups and she wouldn't have been at all surprised to learn that cruel mecha had manipulated and forced Optimus into lying and taking his role too soon. More than anything else, she wanted to help, to bring Optimus out of the mental prison he had locked himself in. And while she didn't know everything, she could guess based on his outburst that he had a great deal of self-loathing toward himself. It hurt her spark to imagine an actual sparkling hating being alive and being burdened with the weight of an entire world.

Bulkhead was less conflicted and more distraught. He always loved the little ones, so seeing his Prime suddenly break down and allow just a hint of his sparkling nature to shine through hurt him dearly. As Optimus raged he could see the pain, the desire, and the absolute desperation to be loved and seen in his optics. Bulkhead recognized his Prime was still powerful and so very wise, but he could also come to see the hurt and the scars that covered his commander, if not physically then mentally. He was not good with his servos, but he wanted to try and help, to fix things for his Prime if only in a small way. No one, sparkling or not, deserved to suffer so often and so greatly.

Bumblebee took time to himself to contemplate and ultimately came to the conclusion that Optimus, despite being only a little older than him, was still and would forever be his Sire and Prime. The Prime had raised him, sacrificed so much for him, and had gone above and beyond to care for him. What did age matter to their kind anyway? He was made a soldier at an age that those from times long past would have found abhorrent. At least for him, he had Optimus and plenty of others to rely on and had the chance to continue developing with their support. But Optimus? Optimus did not have that. He had to take every burden upon himself, every sin, every decision, and the pain of the entirety of the Autobots. No matter how old Optimus was, the burden was still greater than anything Bumblebee could imagine and he wanted to help. He wanted to give back a small portion of what he had received from the mech he called Sire.

As such a week and three days after Optimus cut himself off completely, Ratchet took command of the team and got a saw and Bulkhead on Optimus's door. It only took twenty minutes to bust the door down, but the sight that greeted them was enough to make the team take a step back.

Optimus was curled up in a ball in the corner of his room, claw marks and all sorts of cuts littering his frame. His walls were covered from top to bottom in terrifying scrawl which read out all the thing he had been told to do. Everything from remaining composed to never daring to believe that he was worth anything were written on the walls in what looked to be a mix of paint, ink, and energon. The Prime was totally silent and his gaze was locked on the wall opposite him, his optics dull and unfocused. Everything about the situation spoke of a severe mental breakdown and Ratchet only hesitated a moment before slowly coming near, fearful of causing Optimus to fly into a rage again or possibly hurt himself further.

Ratchet: Hey there... can you hear me Optimus?

Optimus: ...

Ratchet: We need to get you some energon and repairs. I am going to have to move you to the medical bay-

Optimus: *quietly* No...

Ratchet: ... That's fine, we can do the work here. But I need to see your frame.

Optimus: I don't want you to see...

Ratchet: Optimus, I'm not going to hurt you. I want to help. Please, let me make this right.

It took a bit of convincing and the team being sent away, but Optimus very hesitantly allowed Ratchet to work and patch up his wounds while giving him energon via IV drip. The Prime didn't move from his spot, his expression completely blank and broken right up until the work was done and Ratchet looked to him. The medic was careful not to move too fast or without warning, but in an act of love he gently pulled Optimus into a hug. And while it was such a small thing in the grand scheme of things, Optimus being so very starved for love and attention cried and held on to his medic and foster Sire desperately. He didn't want it to end, he wanted to continue feeling cared for even if it ended up being a lie later down the line.

Ratchet merely muttered sweet nothings and held the young Prime close to his chassis, allowing Optimus's helm to rest against him so that he might hear the thrum of his spark. The Prime soon enough fell back to his sparkling coding, the Matrix pushing all else aside to finally allow its bearer a chance to heal. Optimus ended up rumbling his frame in contentment and falling into much needed recharge leaning against his foster Sire with pleased mutters.

Once Optimus was out cold, he was carefully taken to the medical berth and hooked up to a proper IV and put under watch and heavy meds to ensure he didn't lose it again. All the while Ratchet remained nearby, always calming his Prime with a soothing brush of his field of a soft touch to Optimus's plating as he recharged. The rest of the team came by periodically to comfort Optimus as well as he thrashed in his recharge cycle. In the end Bumblebee curled up against his Sire's side as he recharged, and that was enough for Optimus to finally calm long enough to begin healing without the threat of tearing his welds open hanging over his helm.

When the children returned to base not long after, they were filled in and largely shocked. Jack most of all since he had been the receiver of much of Optimus's attention for months. The boy could hardly comprehend that the reason Optimus had focused so hard on him was not because of some dark purpose, but because the Prime just wanted his dad. He felt a bit weirded out at the thought of Optimus searching for some sort of parental affection from him, but upon being given the explanation, he understood to a degree. While it would take him a while to feel fully comfortable around the Prime again, he was not mad and in fact more sad for Optimus than anything else.

As for the Decepticons? They did not find out the truth of the matter for months after the reveal. And it was only because of Soundwave picking up on conversations that they were even made aware of Optimus's nature. Megatron didn't take it well at all.'

For millennia he had thought he was fighting against his wayward brother, but now he knew that he had only been tussling with a sparkling. A large part of him grieved for the loss of Orion, blaming Optimus for being the cause of his brother's death. Another smaller part felt disgusted with himself as he had struggled so greatly against one so young and been beaten time and time again by an actual infant. And yet deep down in a dark corner of his mind, Megatron wanted to take Optimus for himself in some twisted attempt to preserve what remained of Orion's legacy.

All in all, things changed greatly for both sides once the Primacy's greatest secret was brought to light.

#maccadam #transformers #transformers prime #team prime #ratchet #bumblebee #arcee #bulkhead #megatron #optimus prime #secret of the primacy au #hurt and comfort #this took so long but its finally done #hope yall like it

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ruby-red-inky-blue · 3 days

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🍬📚?

📚 What's the last thing you wrote down in your notes app?

I almost NEVER take fanfic notes on my phone, I am physically incapable of typing anything even remotely legible on a touch screen and will probably find a way to take physical notes if I don't have my laptop available - BUT. I did write this whole dialogue on my phone on the bus, so I actually have an answer for once!

🍬 Post an unpopular opinion about a popular fandom character

Y'all are making Cassian way too good at sex. There. How's that for controversial 🫣

(For real though, I understand why. I do. But he simply would not be. I know Andor for some reason is hell-bent on making him some kind of womaniser, but that just seems so off to me. Yeah he's a spy but not in a James Bond kind of way - most spies don't sleep their way to information, and yeah, maybe sex can play a role in how you recruit people, but I can't imagine it's a great method. Because you'd have to keep coming back to keep that asset interested, which is a terrible use of resources, and if you fuck it up in any way, you might turn your informant against you for a reason as stupid as "wasn't here to give a blowjob when I needed it". And regardless of whether or not he would have learned to use sex for espionage, that still wouldn't necessarily translate to his private sex life. This is a guy who's had every impulse to make true connections and any impulse to do anything purely because he wanted it systematically trained out of him, and hasn't been able to share his private thoughts and feelings with anyone other than a droid who cannot fully empathise with them. He also can't talk to almost anyone about what he does anyway because he's a high ranking spy, and he's very careful about his job. I don't see him having flings with other rebels purely because he'd worry that he might accidentally give someone info they should not have. So this is a long-winded way of saying that, even aside of my headcanon of Cassian as somewhere on the ace spectrum, I don't see where he would have got a lot of sexual experience and I can't really imagine he could put his hypervigilance down long enough to actually enjoy himself, at least not without drugs or therapy. [Obviously this is mostly true for in-universe, but. Honestly there's a point at which it will strike me as ooc in modern aus, too.])

Writers Truth or Dare!

#i'm genuinely a little concerned about posting this hot take lol #i'm about to make some people MAD #anyway thank you for asking :)#keep 'em coming this is such a fun list #ask meme responses #writing #jynnjecki

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novelcain · 1 year

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I meant like, the whole homophobia/transphobia thing, unless China was very accepting of enbys. Idk I don't really do history.

OOOOOOHHHH!!! Sorry I have a big dumb Skittle brain and am incapable of reading between the lines when it comes to nonverbal communication. 😅 Ok ok I did some research on this just now so I could give an accurate (as much as I can but I'm no expert for sure) answer.

And that answer is... it depends.

China has a very long history regarding sexually and its views of sex have shifted a LOT from one era to another. But for this post, we'll focus on the Tang Dynasty because that is the time period JTTW is set in (tho which time period of the Tang Dynasty is unclear)

So I'll start by saying that the Tang Dynasty was notoriously open about sex and sexual desires and homosexually was accepted in ancient but only in certain situations. Usually homosexuality or simply non-straight behavior was only accepted and allowed within the upper class. For example most if not all (I'm not too sure) Chinese emperors had several male lovers and they didn't hide it as it was often revered with great admiration.

NOW as far as gender orientation goes. This would HIGHLY depend on the person and their beliefs as during this period China was dominated by 2 religions Taoism and Buddhism.

Taoism was the official religion of the Tang Dynasty and states that nature is perfect as is and by proxy some believe that would mean they view transgenderism as a flaw of nature while most Taoists themselves do not view transgenderism negatively as the Tao is pretty unconcerned with identity and focuses on virtue and coming to accept things as they were born in nature. Therefore I think the only thing that would even remotely be said against transgenderism from a Taoist standpoint is that you shouldn't feel the need to change your body to reflect your mind. Conclusion: ancient Taoism would likely accept transgenderism so long as you don't pursue gender affirming surgery.

Now while the official religion of China at the time was Taoism, many emperors highly favored Buddhism and that can even be believed of the emperor described in JTTW.

That being said. Buddhism believes that the body is a cage that traps the spirit in suffering and should therefore be distanced from as much as possible. HOWEVER! The Buddha himself said that while you should try to separate yourself from the Earthly Realm one's body should be used as a tool of awakening, and given that awakening in to find Nirvana, one could argue that pursuing your gender identity is simply using your body to reflect your soul and therefore is good. But honestly Buddhists are pretty chill and as long as you ain't hurting anyone or anything I HIGHLY doubt a true Buddhist would care what you do so long as you live amicably. Conclusion: transgenderism would likely be cool with about 99% of Buddhists even in ancient China.

Overall conclusion: MOST people probably wouldn't care, though these are ancient times, so I'd really read the room before offering any info about being gender nonconforming or nonbinary. Having said that, the worst thing you'd have to do is pretend to be whatever gender you most closely resemble. But honestly I think a lot about how it'd be best to pretend to be a man when traveling as they are much less likely to be attacked, assaulted, or hate crimed.

So again, in situations like these you need to be flexible and willing to present as something you aren't. And while that can be hard, I feel like dying via whatever brutal death an extreme transphobe can think of is a lot harder. So if you play your cards right the most a nonbinary reader would get is probably some nasty comments and a few even nastier looks. Tho both could easily be corrected by Tripitaka explaining they shouldn't do that and that isn't what Buddhism believes if the person is a Buddhist and if that doesn't work or they aren't Buddhist then a few sharp glares from the Great Sage Equal to Heaven should be more than enough to get them to knock it the fuck off. Tho if you're good at talking people over to your side then they probably wouldn't even need to step in.

As for how the group would take it, I think they'd all accept it rather quickly after you explain what being enby is with maybe the exception of Bajie who just truly doesn't understand so you'd just have to explain the concept of other genders to him a few times.

I hope this answers your question at least somewhat 😊

#then again i personally identify as agender so maybe this is just me being hopeful #skittle answers #isekai'd to the west #journey to the west #jttw #transgenderism in ancient china #historical analysis #nonbinary #transgender #trans #gay #homosexuality #lgbtq+

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es-draws · 10 months

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All right, so I just read the answer you gave about coming out to someone outside of the kink, and I felt the urge to ask this

you said you chose your partner right?

Meaning you did not initially told her about it

And please, understand I do not mean this in an accusatory way, like at all

It's just that for me, personally, that is one of biggest conundrums imaginable

Allow me to explain, in my head were I to date someone, I have two options being a feedist myself:

1° Being upfront about my kink from the get go,

or 2° waiting to tell down the line after some degree of intimacy has been formed

And for me, both are sources of distress and anxiety

I imagine, id I choose the former I'm definitely scarring off damn near all prospect, so no bueno

But if I wait until there's a connection, if I chose the later, I feel I like I'm alluring someone into one kind of relationship and offering another instead, like "I'm holding their connection towards me hostage"

Almost like a bait and switch

Which I'm incapable of doing. (again just letting it clear I AM NOT ACCUSING YOU of doing that, this is purely how I feel)

Haven't you ever feel anything like this?

Like is this a common feeling among feedists?

Or am I just too much of an overthinker?

I get this too. So in short, is it wrong to hide your fetish from your partner?

I feel that it isn't wrong to keep your kinks private - as long as you don't try to act on them. Fetishes are very personal, and there are many valid reasons to not discuss them. You're not obligated to share that, even with a romantic partner. But you are obligated to get consent. You can't hide your fetish and then secretly try to make them fat. You can't wait until marriage to demand they gain weight or divorce. Either be honest with them and yourself, or accept keeping your kinks to yourself.

Obviously, I did not tell my partner up front. I also never asked, demanded, or expected her to gain for me. But I do believe in being honest and open with your partner, and I always planned to tell her. We just needed to build trust in each other - especially intimately. Think about it; we're sharing niche sexual desires that physically affect you outside the bedroom. If they don't know you, will they feel fetishized? If they don't trust you, will they feel objectified? For me, sharing kinks takes a bond. You need a strong connection, or else the whole thing might fall apart.

And finally, understand yourself. I didn't need feedism to have a happy relationship. I could keep this to myself and simply never engage in it. But that's not true for everyone. If you feel you need to feed someone, then you need to tell them. It doesn't have to be the first thing you say, but it needs to be said eventually. And ultimately it comes down to you - because you cannot act on this kink without telling them.

So tell them when you're ready. Just don't expect them to be your feedee until you do.

#es-answers

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marengogo · 1 year

Text

Rambling in INFJese - Part 9: Dear Future Baby Jikooker and Some Jikookers as well…

Listening to album D-DAY - by Agust D ON REPEAT

[Music is a very big part of my life and I’m MOSTLY INCAPABLE of writing without music, so I just thought I'd share what I am listening to while writing this]

🐺 — 🐺 — 🐺—

Dear Future Baby Jikooker,

Here is a letter from me to you, who have just stepped into this curious neck of the woods, but also for Jikookers, who presently might feel lost, in this neck of the woods. This is going to be a long-ass post, ops 😬. In my defence, it could have been even much longer than it is, but let’s be real, there is only so much you might be willing to read at this stage and, at the same time, only so much I can write before I stray well out of topic. BUT let’s start with a welcome, shall we? A very big welcome to those of you who have decided, for one reason or another and we will touch on that to be “Jikookers”. Welcome and congratulations: you’ve officially picked the most fear-inducing, hate-provoking, blasted-ass ship, perhaps, in history but that is just my perception, admittedly, Cleopatra and Mark Anthony might have been good contenders, by the fandom they belong to and most of all shippers within the fandom as well.

SO YES, welcome welcome welcome to the Tumblr side of Jikook things! Now, before we dive deeper into what awaits in my post, and most importantly, into Jikook-world, it’s best we get one thing straight, right off the bat:

Mmm … you might have already known this, in fact you are probably looking at me like “You ain’t gotta tell me that, bitch, like …” but truuuust me when I tell you that this is not as obvious or as known a fact as it ought to be … chiiiiiile 😩.

That being said, there are usually two main starting points for people who end up here, and by here, I don’t mean specifically Jikook-Tumblr, but Jikook-world in general:

You have been ARMY / BTS fans / JK and/or JM bias for a while and are thus familiar with all members in BTS at a level that is above avarage.

You have no clue about anything-BTS, but you heard that there is this “couple” in BTS, so the name of the other members is probably as much as you might know.

As you are ultimately here because of a possible romantic relationship between JK and JM, whether you are 1 or 2 doesn’t make you any better or worse than being 2 or 1. What it does however, is that it will 100% influence and condition the experience you might/will have. That, in addition with the answer to the following question which I highly suggest you ask yourself before you fully step in:

“Why am I here?”

… Perhaps “I believe Jikook is 100% real”, or “I wonder: is Jikook even real right now?”, or “I have reason to believe that Jikook might be, but actually …”, or “I’m not saying but I’m saying, Jikook?!”, or “IDGAF I just think they look good together”, etc etc etc. Trust me, there is a Jikook blog that aligns with any and all conscious and subconscious states of mind, beliefs and/or opinions. So as you proceed, you will or might not realise that some blogs simply want to find people who are like-minded, some blogs just want to rave, rant and talk about the boys to their heart's content, some blogs want to build a following/clout, and some blogs might be up to no good amongst these, some might not even realise that they are….

I, for one, got into the Jikook-world coming from type 1. BTS found me when I needed them the most and I just ended up loving all 7 of them, in different ways, but all 7 nonetheless AND as you might or might not know, I am indeed OT7. One day, as it happens to all of us, I stumbled on a shipping video on YT, it was a Taejin one: I clicked. To begin I was initially shocked that BTS would still have ships at the point in their career (this was around 2021) and I actually thought Taejin to be real … and then you see SOPE, Namjin, taekook, there were so many and all had their reasons etc. After a while I just found them all very cute and didn’t take them seriously at all.

Eventually, somehow, a Jikook video by Made in Busan appeared, I watched it and that was it: … I felt something. But even though I did feel something, I tried to ignore it because as a queer person pansexual I mostly walk around with my invisible hope on my sleeves ALL THE TIMES. So it felt that, once again, for the one millionth time, I would end up wanting them to be so real that the disappointment would crush me, making me feel that once again, people like me are undeserving of love, or at the very least, African and Asian countries are never going to accept this. At this very moment a great part of the USA, and certain parts of Europe, are the only places where famous people and not can live being who they are.

In many other places in this world, particularly African and Asian countries, it is still taboo, dangerous and even life threatening and I am in-between these two types of worlds. So I rejoice everytime a queer couple publically comes out, because even though I know I cannot be them the maximum I can do is go to pride in my pink, yellow and blue outfit it makes me happy to know that had I been born in a different continent, within a different culture, that perhaps, it could have been me. Basically, it feels that happiness for people like me is attainable, even if not for me, if others can safely make it, it would be enough for me for now.

I started from YT and WHAT A MESS IT TURNED OUT TO BE. I made the very big mistake of thinking that because jikook was so rare in the fandom, then people who believed in them were just like me trying to understand kindred spirits. I thought that we were in this to protect and potentially, if time ever would allow, to support what would have become a very influential gay couple. But as time passed, before I knew it, I found myself within the episode of the most toxic BL where, everyone heard voices, many betrayed each other for affection, all slept with each other to spite all, and some resorted to using fans in order to bully each other. The more accounts with this mentality started to appear, the more normal accounts started to disappear. It got to a point were I, a person whom in the meantime had forgotten was a OT7, started to believe that some members were indeed narcissist and any other non-self diagnosable trait. WHEN I REALISED I had to take a BIG-ASS breath, slap myself out of fiction and get-out-style-ran myself back into reality: LIKE … WHAT THE FUCK HAD JUST HAPPENED?!

I had completely forgotten about who BTS were, I got entirely lost in the wrong side of the woods for me, basically I completely forgot why I was even there in the first place! When I then myself in the only youtube channel I trusted at the time, who also suggested we should check a certain blog on Tumblr, when I did, I found a kindred spirit and never went back to YT (by that time wonsummernight had left, Made in Busan, like MizGator, were all gone). There was no forced narrative, the logical consideration of events, the unexplainable emotion of others, it was up the alley I had wanted to be. It brought it back to me just supporting real maybe-queer people like me, rather than fighting over fictional characters in a drama that had nothing to do with me at all.

I regained my rationality, and peacefully lurked, until I got curious about certain topics and decided to send in asks, or just wanted to send words of encouragement to other blogs I began to like and were constantly attacked. Eventually I realised my side of the woods was also thinning out, and because I felt like I had a lot to say as well I began this blog, to just talk, talk and talk. It was fun talking, revisiting Jikook moments with other people who thought alike or people who respectfully didn’t and still kept it at a healthy level. Speaking with other queer folk was also a perk. I literally had no expectations upon coming on Tumblr, I just wanted to keep up with Jikook, while keeping my sanity and rationality. Writing my thoughts about them also helped me lay out my opinions and, through educated speculation, maybe realise things about Jikook hadn’t before and so on and so forth. As things stand in this very moment, within my boundaries, I still believe there is something between them. Chapter 2 is what, surprising, turning out to be as I predicted it would be, to a T except for JK’s weverse, that I couldn’t predict not a single one, for shit it is all very interesting to be honest, and though I can know see things will only get harder from here on, it is okay.

Even though this place feels like it is about to become another, YT, twitter, etc. It is okay. I never had any expectations to begin with, but the fact that I know where I stand in my Jikook neck of the woods, makes my anger towards some bullshit very well directed towards said bullshit, and never towards jikook, BTS or any unrelated parties. I like that when I log off my life goes on. I love that even though I have times when I miss them a lot, it is just that and I am not going crazy over it. In the same way I love that there is a chance that within this global powerhouse of a band there might be somebody that loves like me. In the queer way I, and many others, do.

So my dear future Baby Jikooker, find out why you are here. Understand what it is you want. If it is being in delulu-land that is perfectly fine I also go there from time to time, I find it fun, and when things actually happen right from delulu-land it makes it even more fun! Just gotta trade carefully, that's all. If you wanna find friends, if you wanna talk, whatever it is, just be aware of your decisions, and possible consequences, and you will not be disappointed, hurt or disillusioned, in the long run. If you don’t like all the other members, at the very lease please respect them, because Jikook surely do love them.

If you find that this environment is becoming too much for you, protect yourself the best way you can, leave if you need to, you have the right to do so. As you keep exploring make sure to find the blog that is right for you, and if you feel like it is what you want, write your own. If something feels too good to be true, check sources, always, original content is always available. If you are okay for them to be too good to be true, then do you, it is your experience, just be mindful not to ruin it for others and I hope nobody ruins it for you.

So once again, WELCOME TO JIKOOK-WORLD. I hope you don’t get too lost and you find what you were looking for. I hope you come out of it alive, if at some point you decide to run away. And if you survive all the bullshit that might take place between now and their military service (MS), if you are still around, and Jikook just so happen to be who we think they might be; then I’ll see you on the other side, or if you want come holla.

Always respectfully yours,

Marengo.

#Rambling in INFJese #Baby Jikookers #Veteran Jikookers #Jikookers #Jikook

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