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artist-issues · 3 months

Note

Could you rank the album Blurryface and explain your rankings, please? Thanks and have a blessed day!

my brain

yay

Listen readers, if you like my posts about Disney movies & classic books & Old Hollywood or whatever, or if we’ve ever crawled into a story together and deepened our perspective on that story in one of my posts, but you’ve never cared about twenty one pilots, just trust me and read a little bit of this post. I want to show you something so good.

This is my favorite question in a long time. But you have the key to the obsession-corner of my brain, and you let yourself in, so this is a BIG rambling post, and you brought this upon yourself, and I’m very glad

Okay! I’m going to rank it concept-wise. As in, I’m going to rank it based on how in-depth and well-thought-out and excellently-communicated the ideas in the songs’ lyrics are. Because I don’t know anything about music—so any part of the rankings that are affected by something musical are that way because of personal preference, not because I know what I’m talking about. I recommend taking it slow, every one could be its own post because I suck at being succinct. 🙄

14. Lane Boy

I’m not going to defend myself, something had to go last, and everybody knows I’d rather listen to Lane Boy than any non-twenty-one-pilots song, and I think it blows any secular non-twenty-one-pilots song out of the water. So there. But it’s last on the list just because I think the concepts in the song don’t have as much brain-dissecting meat, and eternal value, as the other songs on the album. Other songs are about how we compartmentalize our issues, or they’re about mankind’s messed up state, or they’re about the dichotomy of fear and love.

And then this song is basically just about how twenty one pilots goes where they want to, musically, and doesn’t bow to the music industry or the patterns of what’s popular. But they’re tempted to. And that makes perfect sense, because on an album where he’s fighting his insecurities, being insecure about what “The Audience” thinks of you fits on the list.

I think the best part of the song is the lyric “don’t trust a perfect person and don’t trust a song that’s flawless.” From what I observe about Tyler Joseph, he actually does care whether or not a song, or a performance, is as good as it can possibly be. That’s super clear. But what’s also clear is that he believes in singing about something real, especially real flaws he has, so that other people can relate and use the information. So I don’t think he’s saying “don’t trust a perfect person and don’t trust a song that has no technical issues and couldn’t be any better.” I think he’s saying, “don’t trust a person who claims to be perfect, or their vague meaningless songs that don’t reveal their flaws.” (You know, when we gonna stop with it / lyrics that mean nothing, we were gifted with thought-type stuff.)

Which is still pretty deep, in a song that on the surface is saying “I know the music industry and genre-fans have expectations but I do what I want.”

Side note: I love the aesthetics of the music video and the “tempted by control, controlled by temptation” voiceover they used to do for the concerts with this song. The whole idea that Fame and Success have to be in hazmat suits, with gas masks on, is awesome. I don’t care if the concept is “Fame and Success can’t even deal with us, and all the insecurity we talk about in our songs,” or “Fame and Success are always interacting with songs that are rotting, dead, already on their way out of relevance.” It works either way. It’s cool either way.

But let’s just be real. It stabs me in the heart every time he sings the line, “if it wasn’t for this music I don’t know how I would’ve fought this.”

Like. Really? You don’t? If it wasn’t for music, you don’t know how you would’ve fought the dark thoughts? There’s nothing else you can think of, nothing else that specifically works against dark thoughts, that you might want to clue people in on? In a song that’s about not making decisions motivated by remaining popular, you’re going to point them to your own music as the only weapon you know of which works?

When you set yourself up to tell them that Jesus Christ is the hope that lasts eternally, not just moment-to-moment? When you could’ve said that you know a an everlasting Light in times of darkness? No?

So this one gets skipped more often than the others, and I know for a fact it’s because even subconsciously I don’t want to hear that line. I hope I’m wrong about it. I bet I am. I don’t think he meant all that. I think he was looking for a way to conclude that “I know about pain and darkness and that’s what should be in songs” thought, in a way that rhymed and sounded good. But still.

12. Tear in My Heart

(note: the list got out of order here because tumblr’s post editor is the worst and I couldn’t fix it. but Tear in My heart is ranked one higher than Stressed Out, that’s all you need to know.)

I like it when Tyler Joseph picks a concept that’s simple and then reminds everybody how true it is by talking about it like he does with Tear in My Heart. “Love hurts.” That’s a simple concept. “Yeah okay we know.” But in this song I listen to it and I want to be like “No, do you get it, love, giving all of who you are, even the messed up parts, to somebody and letting them do whatever they want with that, hurts. Not just because you’re afraid they’ll reject you—but because you’re afraid they won’t reject you, you’re afraid they’ll stay, which is harder and demands more of you, and you’re afraid they’ll see you, and change you.” Yes, change. For the better.

That’s the point of the music video. He’s looking around at everybody but he can’t see them clearly, everything warps around when he tries to meet their eyes. But not with his wife (then fiancée, I guess.) They see each other clearly. And then she beats the Blurryface out of him. Because that’s what real love does. It doesn’t ignore your flaws or accept your flaws. It sacrifices to help you grow out of your flaws. And that hurts! That’s uncomfortable! That’s Eustace getting un-dragoned in The Chronicles of Narnia.

But it’s also the best thing for the loved one. And! He introduces the whole idea with “sometimes you gotta bleed to know / that you’re alive and have a soul.” When you’re just in your comfort zone, even if it’s a bad place, you go numb. It’s scary to propose to somebody, or show them who you really are, or tell them how you really feel, but the good that comes with it is exhilarating.

And he uses the words, “she’s the tear in my heart,” which, if you dissect that: the medical term is SCAD, and the result of a tear in the heart are basically anywhere from irregular heartbeat (heart skipping a beat. aww. they’re in love and stuff.) to heart attack, (she has the power to bring him to a jarring halt) to slowed heartbeat. (She can also calm him down.) Even a more zoomed-out idea of the lyric, where you just picture what happens when you cut a tear in a heart, is a great metaphor in this context: blood gets out. It was safe and nobody knew what he was feeling. Now what’s inside his heart is finally visible. Because of her.

One more, one more! “She’s a butcher with a smile.” I love that he said ‘butcher.’ A butcher’s whole job is to follow a plan, and neatly organize, arrange, sort, the meat. From what I understand, a butcher typically follows the muscle routes that are already there. It’s not mad hacking and wanton destruction; it’s thought out. There’s a purpose. There’s even usually a plan, a map they’re following. He could’ve said “she’s a cutthroat,’” or “killer” or even “cutter.” But when there was nothing on the page, he chose to put “butcher, carver.” Purposeful cuts.

And he keeps it on-theme, with the album. Because like I said, the whole album of Blurryface is about insecurity—but it’s about fighting insecurity, and the number-one weapon he uses is putting that insecurity on display. Shining a spotlight on it. Because when you’re insecure about something you try to cover that up. You try to compensate for it, direct attention away from whatever you can;t control. Letting everyone see the thing you’re insecure about is hard and you feel exposed, but that action is actually the reverse of insecurity. Doing so with his wife is the best.

13. Stressed Out

This one is this far down because it’s about wishing for the comfort of simple, nostalgic things when in reality you’re freaked out about the future and the present. And that’s a really relatable concept, for a song, and it’s not super deep. We all do it. But it’s still on-theme, which is what makes the song feel deeper.

I like to get lost in the past because it’s what I know. (And the opposite of shat I know/what I can control is? Insecurity.)

If I have to choose between a difficult adventure in the present, or a painful memory to over-analyze, I’m always going to reach for the painful memory even though it’s a sucky headspace, and nothing new and helpful is likely to come of it. Why? Because I know what happens in that reel in my head. I feel control over it just by knowing what happens. But I don’t feel that control when I spin myself out imaging what could happen, and all the things I can’t control, in the present or the future.

Yeah, I’d rather go back and wax nostalgic for the days I played outside with my siblings, or the houses we used to live in, then think about how rent is due in a couple of weeks or how I might never get to have the career everybody expects me to have. So it’s very relatable.

The thing I don’t like about this one is that it doesn’t have that hopeful note in it that I like in twenty one pilots. It kind of goes, “yeah, wish we could turn back time, but everyone tells us to quit dreaming and make money, and it sucks.” And…that’s it. In the song, itself, there’s no hopeful conclusion. Versus in Tear in My Heart, at least he’s feeling like he has a soul and he’s “higher” than he’s ever been, and the butcher is smiling. At least in Fairly Local, there’s, “I’m not evil to the core / what I shouldn’t do I will fight.” But not in Stressed Out. Stressed Out leaves you dissatisfied, and maybe that’s the point.

11. We Don’t Believe What’s On TV

I love the progression of the ideas in this song (because it does come right after Polarize;) he’s actually taken a hard step. He’s not just standing at a crossroads between decisions, being insecure and never moving. The lyrics are “I need to know that when I fail, you’ll still be here.” He can’t fail if he’s not trying. So I like that the song has such a happy beat, and it’s the first one on the record (unless you count Heavydirtysoul) where he’s not just thinking about being insecure or what to do—he’s committing to doing something.

And then I find the song super relatable. The thing about having a dream is that when you chase it you risk a lot. You risk money, you risk time. You risk your emotions, obviously. So anyone close to you is going to notice you’re chasing after something. It’ll become part of your identity. Like me, proclaiming that I was going to work for Disney for years. If you fail, what do you say to all the people who knew you were shooting for that goal? How will they see you? As a quitter? As a failure? Are they going to feel sorry for you? Maybe it’ll be hard to talk about the things you used to talk about—and then they don’t know what else to make small-talk about. Not only your big direction in life is gone, but now something as comfortable as talking with friends is suddenly affected. And from there it’s easy to go, “wait, who am I without that dream I was going after?”

So the lines “what if my dream does not happen? / would I just change what I’ve told my friends? / don’t wanna know who I would be / when I wake up from a dreamer’s sleep” are spot-on. And they uncover the unattractive side of having a dream: the side where you fail and lose and feel like you don’t know who you are without it, so maybe you cover it up by “changing” the dream, or acting like you never really wanted that anyway, or act like you’ve found something new, to cover the loss.

But I also love the fact that the song is about how superficial things aren’t really what matter—your “dream” isn’t who you are. And the people who really love you and care about you know that, so when the dream goes away, they’ll stick around. Just like how Tyler says he doesn’t care about what’s superficial about them: “I don’t care what’s in your hair, I just want to know what’s on your mind.”

Fun fact: when I bring twenty one pilots up for any reason my father responds with “yeah-yeah-yeah” by default.

10. Ride

Ride is only higher than WDBWOTV because of the rapping verses. And not because it’s the one twenty one pilots song my father allows me to play when I’m in the car with him.

This feels a little repetitive, but I like Ride because it’s what twenty one pilots is about. They’re all about thinking carefully about what’s going on in your head and then making a decision to live for something. (I wish they’d come out and say that “something” is God, but whatever.) Ride is all about that. Living rather than dying is hard, especially when it means living, not coming up with meaningless extreme scenarios where you can imagine dying for someone, or staying happy all the time, or conquering your foes. It just means taking your time, and as life rides along, being careful to live for something day by day. Then again, it is a song that’s still just about thinking about what to do, instead of doing it.

9. The Judge

I think this is one of the clearest allusions to the Gospel Tyler Joseph ever makes, and I love the way he makes it. First off, that by saying he can’t tell if the song is about himself or the devil, he’s acknowledging that he, on a sinful level, is just as worthy of condemnation as the Devil.

That’s why he says, “found my way, right time, wrong place, as I pled my case.” You plead your case, in front of THE Judge, when you’re dead. So it’s the right time—everybody has a date on the calendar when they’re going to die, they just don’t know what it is yet. But it’s the wrong place—he’s in front of God, and he doesn’t deserve to be, any more than the Devil. But that’s why he’s pleading his case by freely admitting his soul matches Hell, not Heaven, so all that’s left is to beg that The Judge be merciful.

I like the mood of the second verse, where it feels like he starts describing what’s going on ‘three lights are lit but the fourth one’s out / I can tell cuz it’s a big darker than the last night’s bout,” etc., but then when he gets to “but I’m not good with directions” he speeds his flow up and sounds like he’s getting panicky. He’s giving excuses for why he’s lost—well why? Because he’s bad at directions. Listening to what he’s told to do, and then following through. And then just admitting that one flaw as an explanation for why he’s lost leads to admitting other flaws, at random, like he can’t stop himself: “I’m a pro at imperfections and I’m best friends with my doubt.”

I personally think, because of the context, that the three lights which are lit, but the fourth one that is out, are representative of Tyler not being clear about his faith. I think it’s an allusion to Peter, denying Christ 3 times (like Tyler already alluded to in Ode to Sleep.) But in Ode to Sleep, Tyler follows up the line about 4-denials with “metaphorically I’m a whore.” My take is, he’s only a whore metaphorically—because in Christ, he’s a new creation. But he keeps talking like he isn’t, worrying over his relationship with God and whether or not he’s really saved. Maybe because he struggles with doubting God keeps His promises, maybe because he struggles with doubting God is real, maybe both.

And after all, what was Peter doing when he denied Christ? He was denying specifically that he knew Christ. That he was in a relationship with Him, that he followed Christ. Peter was basically saying over and over, “I’m not a disciple of Christ. I’m not! I don’t know him!” to the people who ask. But it wasn’t true. Peter was Christ’s disciple; Christ chose him, and that’s what made the denial so hurtful.

So I think the lights going out, one by one, and he can tell that a season of that doubt is coming on, are his cue to leave. Get out of there, that place where darkness is creeping up, and go somewhere sunnier. But he can’t get there, because he’s not good at directions, and then he kind of spirals and goes back into the chorus realizing he never had any right to be “Christ’s disciple” in the first place, that’s true, and his only hope is the mercy of The Judge. Which is great, not something to despair over. Because The Judge is merciful.

But the cool part is there’s still an element of “insecurities” in there, distracting him from what would ultimately be a good place. It’s good to realize you’ve got nothing, and to realize that if you could wriggle out of God’s embrace, you would do it every time. Because then you realize all over again that He is merciful and He loves you, and you’re secure because it’s all based on His strength. So that particular cycle is good—when it ends with that realization. But instead, he’s getting hung up, not on “what will God think of me when He realizes (even though He knew it all along) that I’m unworthy?” but on “what will everyone outside my house think of me when they realize I’m unworthy?”

And when that happens, when you’re focused not on what God thinks of you, but on what others think of you, because of your insecurities, you can satisfy yourself, not with God’s love, but with pulling the wool over other people’s eyes. Maybe the people outside your house see the real, unworthy you—but you can cover that up. You can fool them. You can compensate for those insecurities, front, be fake. God always sees you clearly, but the people around you can be fooled into thinking you’re an okay person, and you have your act together. So his insecurities, Blurryface, is hijacking the cycle that would’ve led him to rely on The Judge and making him chase after the opinion of his peers, instead.

Instead of focusing on who God is, which is the hope in everything, Blurryface gets him to focus on who he is—whether that leads him to a revel or despair, doesn’t matter, as long as he’s not focusing on who God is.

I love this song.

8. Hometown

”My shadow tilts its head at me

Spirits in the dark are waiting

I will let the wind go quietly,

I will let the wind go quietly.” <- Those are some of my favorite lyrics ever. Ever ever. Why would a shadow tilt its head at you? Because it’s creepy interesting imagery, yeah, but also, because it’s puzzled. But it’s your shadow. So you’re looking at it like you’re puzzled, too, because shadows don’t move independently; either the light source is moving, or you are.

So the character Blurryface is puzzled because he’s trying to figure Tyler Joseph out—like Tyler is trying to figure him out—and/or because the light is on the move. What light is mentioned in this song? The sun. Which, in all their other songs, is representative of God or the kingdom of God.

Either way, all the insecurities and flaws and doubt that Blurryface embodies doesn’t understand God, or actions made in faith. So he’s puzzled in this song; because this song is about the songwriter begging God to do for him what he can’t do.

I don’t care. That’s what the song’s about. Tyler Joseph does his clever triple-meaning thing, so you can say that the song is about how people back home in Columbus, Ohio don’t really get twenty one pilots’ deep lore and metaphors, and that’s what the song is about—how people back home still don’t know who they are because they’re least famous among people who know them best—but that doesn’t cover the lyrics about “take me home and show me the sun/Son,” or “bring the fire, my bones will make it grow.” And a faith-based interpretation of the lyrics does.

(I mean, obviously, people can sing the song to themselves and assign whatever meaning they want. That’s fine. That’s how using words works. But I’m saying that what the songwriter meant can be understood by the lyrics he chose in the song—and if it can’t, then he didn’t want to be understood or was bad and making himself clear, and that’s just bad communication/useless artwork. But neither of those explanations are descriptive of Tyler Joseph.)

The first verse is what the songwriter wants to have happen—the place he’s from is dark, it’s without the Sun/Son, he wants to go Home, and he can’t do it without dying to himself, and only God can pull that off.

But the second verse is a call to action, for everyone listening, not just a plea for himself out of what he’s feeling. And that action really does have something to do with the temporal “hometown.” You can grow up hearing about God, one way or another, but eventually, you encounter darkness on your own. You realize you’re messed up, whether anyone else sees it or not. And that’s when you can either be insecure and give up, or you can look for salvation. But at that point, you have to look for salvation in something outside “tradition” and just “what the people around you believe.” You have to find out if any of that is rooted in truth, and then choose to believe it yourself. Whether anyone else, including the people who helped make you who you are, from your hometown, agrees or disagrees.

In Christianese we say “make your faith your own.” Even if you grow up in church there comes a time when you have to decide if that’s what you believe, whether your parents drop the faith or not. But it’s not just a church thing. It’s a universal, worldview thing. Even if you grow up in an atheistic community you have to decide, at some point, if you believe that, as an individual. Be introspective and decide what you believe, what you’re going to live for—the message of the band.

And of course, the language he uses is so overtly Biblical! It’s from Joshua 24. And the context of that passage is, God has finally given the Israelites rest from all their enemies, and Joshua, the faithful one who has led them in their homeland, is telling them that it’s decision time. If they choose to serve God, it’ll cost them everything. They can’t serve God and the pagan, materialistic idols their fathers fell to. It’s one or the other. He knows it’s a huge ask, and an impossible ask, actually, because God is Holy. God has to give you the grace to follow Him (same conclusion Tyler sometimes gets to in The Judge.) Here’s the verse, enough of my yammering:

“If it is evil in your sight to serve Yahweh, choose for yourselves today whom you will serve: whether the gods which your fathers served which were beyond the River or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you are living; but as for me and my house, we will serve Yahweh.”

Then later, after the Israelites say that’s what they want to do, they want to serve Yahweh, he repeats,

“So now, put away the foreign gods which are in your midst, and incline your hearts to Yahweh, the God of Israel.”

And this whole passage is really interesting, because Joshua is telling them to do this in the same place, geographically, that Jacob, their ancestor, hundreds of years before, had commanded his own family to bury false idols in the ground and turn to Yahweh. So when he says “put away,” it’s in reference to that moment; their earliest forefathers had a pattern of chasing after the beliefs and false hopes of the world, and then needing to bury those and follow God instead.

Anyway. This song is awesome because it’s about him coming to, in Christianese: “the end of himself.” The lyrics say that nothing about a human being knows the secret to redeeming souls. Only God knows that; only God can do that. So in an album that’s all about interviewing yourself, fighting the worst parts of you, trying to figure out how to beat Blurryface, Hometown says, “aaaand you can’t. You can’t do it. But God can. You don’t have the secret, you don’t have the playbook. But God does.”

7. Goner

This song is higher than Hometown because I like that when he does something slower and more complex, lyrically, without the same speedy metaphors, it’s just a straight-up war cry.

It is kind of a complicated song, though. I think. Because I can’t decide what exactly he was aiming for. Sometimes I listen to it and I think it’s about the songwriter fighting Blurryface, refusing to give up, and parts of the song could be sung by the hero, while others are answered by the villain, during that fight.

But sometimes I listen to it and I think he’s declaring that the fight is already over, (after all, it’s at the end of the album) but he knows it’s a cycle and he might get dragged back into the doubt that starts it all over again. “I’m a goner.”

Or, sometimes, I listen to it and I think it’s just a recap of everything the album teaches: 1) I’m messed up 2) but I’m not a hopeless case 3) but I’m tempted to hide the messed-up part 4) the only way to fix the messed-up part is to admit it, get it out where everyone can see it 5) but even then I can’t fix it, and they’ll all see I’m unworthy 6) Remembering unconditional love and grace fixes it.

Being “known” is the opposite of what the Blurryface character should want. Because again, insecurity is all about avoiding the things that make you afraid, make you feel out-of-control, and putting up a front like you’re fine. You make decisions based on what you want people to see, out of a desire for control. That’s why he’s called “Blurryface.” You don’t get to see his face. You don’t get to know the real him, because the real him’s messed up, and he can’t let anyone see that.

I think the one interpretation I vaguely settle on when I hear the song is that, if all you ever focus on is how to control everything and pretend you’re not messed-up—if all you ever put on is that “blurry face” mask—pretty soon you convince yourself, along with everybody else, that that’s who you are. You start to forget the real you. You can’t see your own flaws anymore—but hiding them is still puppetting everything you do, so ironically, they’re in control. Luckily, the people you’ve opened up to (if you ever have) and God, remind you of who you really are. So that humbles you, and saves you, from just being totally fake.

One thing about the actual lyrics. The fact that he says “the ghost of you is close to me” supports all of those above interpretations. Could be the Holy Spirit (you know, “Holy Ghost”) being closest to the singer when he’s “inside out,” being vulnerable, seeing himself for what he really is and admitting it. Could be the character, Blurryface, who’s been defeated but maybe Tyler forgets that, and feels “haunted” by insecurities that should already be harmless if he’d just remember what killed them.

I see some people saying that what he means is, Blurryface is so intertwined as a part of himself that he doesn’t know what would be left of him if all his insecurities died. I think that’s super bleak. But I can see why it would be that. If it is, it doesn’t bode well for Tyler or anyone who agrees. If you’re already at the point where your weaknesses and insecurities are something you identify with, something you think belongs in you, instead of a foreign contaminant that your soul’s antibodies need to purge, then…you’re really forgetting the Gospel. That’s not who you are anymore. It’s as much a part of you as a set of dirty clothes that you took off when you were 4; even if you’re cramming them back on, that doesn’t make them part of who you are.

I also frequently see people saying, “he’s not just asking for God’s help, he’s asking for anybody’s help! He says ‘somebody’ catch my breath!” Right. But then he says, “I wanna be known by you.” And in Kitchen Sink, it’s clear Tyler Joseph doesn’t believe anybody can know him, fully. Also, Anathema. Also, on this album, Not Today, and Message Man. There are too many lyrics where he explains that he doesn’t think anybody can know him—except God, who, in The Judge, and in other twenty one pilots songs, is depicted as the only one who can see all the way down to the bedrock of who Tyler Joseph is. And who all of us are. Hidden insecurities pulling the strings and all. So when he calls for help, he might be willing to accept anybody, but only God is going to be able to deliver, in the very end. (Friends and his wife can help, but in the end.)

Personally I believe the songwriter knows that. Based on the evidence in everything he writes. I don’t know for sure, though.

Anyway. I love that he ended the album with this song. Specifically, it’s not until the very last note that everything is resolved, and sounds like there’s some kind of peace, some kind of vanquishing of Blurryface. Like the fight is definitely taking everything to win. But Blurryface does lose; there is hope; that’s what I like about twenty one pilots.

It’s that Halloween-style “using darkness to show how weak darkness can be.”

6. Not Today

The concepts I’m talking about liking are getting repetitive, but that’s because he comes at the same topic (battling insecurities) from different angles, dropping into the same cycle at different points. But it’s still the same topic, same cycle.

Anyway! I love Not Today because of how awesome the lyrics are in the chorus, in response to the lyrics in the verses.

He keeps the metaphor of a house in there, but those first lyrics: “I just feel I’m better off, staying in the same room I was born in,” have this lie. The room you’re born in could mean you’ve never grown, never taken any chance, you’ve literally never moved from where you started. Especially because he gives a reason for it; he’s seen the world outside, and he doesn’t see what he can do to impact it for the better. <- That part is why I don’t think those lyrics mean “it would be better if I were never born.” Even though the same basic idea, that he thinks he has nothing to offer, is in both interpretations.

But because of that melodic (is that the right word) pause between “I don’t know why” and “I just feel I,” in the opening line, I think you can miss the meaning of the full thought. He’s admitting he feels this way, but he’s not accepting it, necessarily. Because the whole song is a strike back at “Blurryface.” He admits how he feels, but the fact that he starts with “I don’t know why I feel this way” is a clue that he’s examining the feeling, instead of trusting and accepting it as fact. It’s true that he feels that way. But he’s not making it his home. He didn’t even pick the words, “staying in the same home I was born in.” Or unlike in The Judge, he doesn’t use a possessive objective. He doesn’t say “my room I was born in,” not just because it would sound weird, but also because he’s in a headspace where he’s not accepting these feelings at “face” value.

So I love that opening.

Then, in the first chorus, he’s basically talking about how those dark thoughts, those insecurities, aren’t just in his head anymore. They’re out in the open. Where everyone else can see them—yikes, maybe—but he’s focusing on the fact that they’re out where he can see them. Insecurity wants to hide and fake. Getting it out in the open is step 1 in the right direction. Now the lies, the insecurity, can’t get to him the way it used to when he kept it in his mind as if it were something worth entertaining or identifying with.

Then I like that he takes a break in the second chorus to be like, “pay attention to what I’m doing, the sound of the music is happy but the words are not.”

Because he’s feeling like there’s no use in trying—bad thing. But he’s not giving in to that feeling, he’s examining it for weaknesses—good thing. Happening at the same time. Like the happy sounds, but down words, of the song.

Which just makes you feel like you’re watching a battle. Which one is going to win? The good or the bad? Right now they’re both in the picture—what’s going to be the killing blow that knocks one out of the picture?

Then he goes back into the chorus, but this time I think the words have a different meaning, even though they’re the same: he took that aside to address the audience and explain what’s going on. So the lines in the second chorus, “you aren’t seeing my side,” seem like he’s still talking to us, telling the listeners that they haven’t been understanding what’s going on in his head as he fights his insecurities, but now he’s showing them, which is what they needed to wait for: you can’t know what someone’s going through or how they need help till they choose to let you see.

Then there’s the bridge about him fighting someone for testing him. Which I think people mostly take to mean “I’LL KILL YOU BLURRYFACE.” But I don’t think that’s what he’s saying.

I mean it’s fine. That could be why. But I think it kind of misses the fact that a dude who insists, “just because I play the piano doesn’t mean I am not willing to take you down,” is insecure. That’s an insecure thing to say. He thinks people are going to see him as weak. And he just throws out “because I play the piano” as like, an example of what he thinks people are judging him about. And he’ll fight them. But then immediately he’s like “I’m sorry.” And it’s funny, I love that whole lyric, my family always joins in on that part because it’s fun to sing.

But the point, I think, is so smart—he’s back to saying something insecure. He has an outburst about how others see him. Then he says “sorry.” But it’s even an insecure, embarrassed-sounding apology. So this verse transitions out of talking to the listener about what he’s insecure about, into, while he’s at it, worrying about what they think of him—and whoops, that was a Blurryface moment, wasn’t it? He was supposed to be fighting that. He was supposed to be examining it. He just slipped into it again, suddenly, and the mood of the song is an involuntary explosion, like he couldn’t help it. So then the next chorus, the changed one, is more of a confession of being messed-up, all over again. “I’m, I’m out of my mind / I’m not seeing things right / I waste all this time trying to run from you, but I’m, I’m out of my mind.” It’s “I’m out of my mind” in the traditional sense—he’s crazy, as in, he doesn’t see reality, even when he’s looking at himself. And you could take that “I waste all this time trying to run from you” as him trying to run and hide his messed-up self from others—which is a waste, because it’s born of insecurity—or you could take it as him running from God. Of course. Both work, for this moment in the song.

But. I think the chorus is the best part. It sounds like two recordings of Tyler Joseph’s voice is singing this part, so I can see why people think it’s a duel between him and the character Blurryface: he’s singing, “not today, let me rip open the windows—now I dare you to make yourself heard.” If he voices his insecurity, the people who love him will come help. But maybe the character Blurryface is singing that right back to him; “not today, let me rip open the windows—now I dare you to make yourself heard.” As if taunting him with the idea that people who hear the real Tyler Joseph may not accept him; if he’s exposed, he shouldn’t draw any attention to himself.

But for all that effort I put into verbalizing how I’ve seen the take that the chorus is Tyler Joseph and Blurryface fighting each other, I don’t 100% agree with it. Because it doesn’t make sense, based on the well-established idea that Blurryface is insecurity—and insecurity would never do this: “tore the curtains down, windows open now make a sound.”

The whole rest of the album takes the tack that turning yourself inside-out, showing people the real, messed-up you, being open, is exactly what the character Blurryface wouldn’t want. He’d never be saying anything so clear as what’s in the chorus.

I mean. Time out. Not to get too geeky in this already-absurdly-long post. But everything about the character was against that. He’s blurry. You can’t see the real him, his face. He doesn’t even like that he has a name, or has been distinguished from Tyler Joseph in any way. In all those cryptic videos from what I can remember of social media before the album came out, you never saw him, even though he was the one supposedly recording. And the videos made no clear sense, I feel like I remember one being just, like, a dark shot of the woods at night and like breathing or something. In the in-character Twitter posts, he can’t spell—he can’t even type anything that he has to say clearly, because clarity itself is a kind of commitment in communication, it tells people something about you one way or another, and Blurryface doesn’t want anyone to be able to hold him to anything he says.

So no, I don’t think he’s got any part in the chorus. I could be wrong. But I don’t think I am. I think it’s someone from the outside, who knows the fight going on inside Tyler Joseph with Blurryface, breaking in. Ripping the curtains off the rod. Kicking the windows open, letting the light in. Telling him to get it out there in the open. Or, daring the Blurryface character to say his lies out in the open. And I think it’s God. Because again, we already established, nobody else can see inside of Tyler Joseph, in his entirety, except God. But if it is, then Tyler isn’t just getting scooped out of the fight by God’s rescuing hand. He’s joined in the fight, and then told to keep fighting—and tell other people about it. “Heard your voice, ‘there’s no choice’ / tore the curtains down, windows open, now make a noise.”

This song would be higher up if it hit me in the emotions as much as Doubt does. That’s how good it is. It’s the big fight scene, but the character Blurryface loses once the house is torn open.

5. Polarize

GGGGR this is taking too long. But I love all of these songs so much, even if Blurryface isn’t my favorite album, I can’t just say succinct things about it.

There’s this interview I watched with Tyler Joseph way back when I was fresh into high school. I don’t remember the exact timeline, or whether or not this album was out already. But he basically talks through Romans 9 without saying so. He tries to explain to the interviewer that he shouldn’t be “messed up.” That that’s not just him being hard on himself, and oh, we’re all imperfect people. He tries to explain that there’s something broken in everyone, that we want to be better than we’re actually capable of being, and that points to the fact that we were designed to be different, and something went wrong. He tries to really organically explain that, but if I remember correctly the interviewer comes back with like another platitude, and I think the subject gets changed. (If I can find it again in the bowels of the Internet from 2013 or whatever it was I’ll post it. It’s what gripped my teenage brain about this band. And about trying to phrase the Gospel that I’d always heard in a way that made sense to people who have never heard.)

But this song is that. It’s him, trying to explain that he’s noticed the polar opposites of his nature. And he’s trying to decide which parts are which, and why, and where the division starts and ends. The problem is, the only One who can help him divide those clearly is God—and surprise surprise, Tyler Joseph’s trust in God is split, too.

This one is ranked so highly because of that. Because instead of just stopping at “I want to do the right thing, but I can’t, so let’s sort that out, and You help me,” he goes even deeper. “Wait, how do I even depend on You to help me when I can’t even decide if you’re there or not?” It’s Semi-Automatic all over again. It takes a different kind of deep thinking to admit that you can’t even ask for help with absolute certainty.

Polarize might get its own separate post.

4. Fairly Local

Fairly Local is this high on the list partly because of the music video and I’m not ashamed.

It’s the introduction to the character of Blurryface, and look at how he can’t make sustained eye contact. I love that.

I also love that the microphone in the music video is a light bulb. Because it’s the words of the song that are illuminating what’s going on in the songwriter’s head.

The duality is just a preview of Polarize, in the lyrics, but I love his vocalizations. Maybe you expected me to say more higher up on the list, but this is too long already, and the more I like it the more I want to make a separate post, if I ever let my obsession out of the locked-door part of my brain on tumblr again. (look now I’m using twenty one pilots imagery, what have you done?)

3. Doubt

This one is this high because he says “even when I doubt you, I’m no good without You.” And he’s talking about God. I might elaborate on that in a different post. I know how this song feels. Getting lost in trying to trace the paths you’ve already gone down in your brain, until even thinking about God isn’t a lifeline as much as it is a maze, because you’re thinking too much about your part in it, and you’re just left reaching out for Him blindly because you can’t see which direction He’s in anymore, in your own brain. And you need something from the outside to reach in and dig you out of yourself, because there’s nothing trustworthy in here anymore. I know how that feels. This song is Addict With a Pen’s sister.

2. Message Man

This one gets its own post for sure. But the lyrics are better than any other song aside from Heavydirtysoul on this album, I think.

1. Heavydirtysoul

This one is top of the list because 1) I don’t think it can take second place to any song musically on this album, and 2) the lyrics sum up the band. I’ll make a post of its own about this one, too.

Is that disappointing? That I went all the way to the top and didn’t give you a thought-out reason for the number one? Well, now you feel some of the insanity I experience when I listen to this band. “What do you mean, you’re stopping there? You took my hand and led me this far and now I have to stumble around in the dark and figure out the rest myself?”

😈

I really may come back and edit it. I’ll tag you if I do. Or just follow the “my favorite band” tag. Hey, thank you so much for this ask! I know I look way too hyper-fixated, but truthfully, they just came out with the new album. And you have to understand, the people around me can’t stand me saying two words about them, because I’ve talked too much about them. So you’ve become my outlet.

If you made it this far I want to hear your opinions, too! I’d do this for every album, but hopefully you learned not to open this can of worms 😂 because then I never stop talking

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silverwarewolf · 6 days

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🥀 - Favorite unusual compliment? (ie "You're crunchy")

💎 - Favorite thing about yourself? (Appearance, personality, etc)

and

🎀 - What character do you feel represents NPD best?

Yes, yes, thanks for the ask!! For the many questions!! I love answering questions!! Ask game here.

I have the same energy as a hamster who is being studied, sometimes. Which does tie into the first question.

🥀- Well, I love compliments in general. Surprising, right? (/sarcasm). But this is about unusal compliments. There's one that I have gotten textually which was "you need to be studied in a lab," and honestly, yes! It reminds me of that one scene in b99 where Gina has the attention of an entire group of professionals.

There's also the category of compliments that are normal ones but said in a freaked out tone. For example, when I mention some strange and unusual fact and people are like "you're so knowledgeable" but they have visibly been dealt psychic damage by what I just said. It's fun!

Last but not least, frogboiling. "You talk so much about [strange and unusual topic] that I like it now / am desensitized to it / think about it sometimes" is HELL YEAH from me. Alas, I suppose it starts to veer away from "unusual compliment" territory.

💎- I feel like a cat who has been given a sack of catnip?? Hello?? Mm, well. is it cheating when I say "my vibe"? Perhaps if I specifically say "being reliable / dependable / a role model," which I know I am.

I've taught people how to cook / bake. I've taught people how to paint and write and sew. I am always ready to offer good advice, an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, etc. I have very sharp senses so I can help people identify smells / flavors / sounds from really far away / who is walking nearby. I know various methods of healing! And uhhh I also think I'd make a great parent someday teaching so many skills - and singing, boy I can't wait to sing lullabies I know they would love my lullabies.

🎀- hmm! hmm hmm hmm let me think... i rarely retain information about characters who are canonically disordered, and there's also the whole "good representation" nuance aspect... not to mention that i'm sure my other disorders also change the ways i act, lmao!

all this to say that this comes from a personal feeling of "oh yeah it would be so tasty if this character had npd, they own it, i love it."

of course, shout out to my boy narcissus who was so upset about the inexistence of clonefucking that he died <- GREATLY EXAGGERATED SUMMARY OF THE MYTH at least the version i know

Okina Matara, from Touhou Project. Ah, I could ramble for hours about this series if given the opportunity, but I shall not. Instead, quote the wiki, she has no mercy for disrespect and graciously blesses those she favors, is ostentatious, prideful, confident, self-centered, a mastermind of incidents, has connections to MANY parts of the lore and mythology, and ultimately her first appearance was all about drawing attention and reverence to herself. Plus, she has a canonical connection to disabilities!

Yukari Yakumo / Maribel Hearn, also from Touhou Project. Ditto, I will mostly quote the wiki. She is a mastermind, has incredible intellect, very abstract and private goals, a facade of whimsy and deceit while also actively enjoying making others fear her, and is generally considered as someone who calls the shots. She also has quite the flowery language. Furthermore, as Maribel, she is othered for her tastes / demeanor / abilities, and textually calls herself a celebrity who should be indulged.

Asuka Langley, from Evangelion. Mainly Soryu, as I've yet to watch the rebuild movies, but from what I hear, they don't change her personality that much. Anyhow. The very explicit need for attention and praise, and huge dependance on her self worth (and others' acknowledgement of her worth) is very npd to me. Granted, given the nature of Evangelion, going in depth about the characters' psyches is... a complex venture.

Lapis Lazuli, from Houseki no Kuni. Oh boy oh boy I LOVE HnK, it has such WONDERFUL themes of body horror and existentialism and peace. Anyway. Quote the wiki. He has a charming, leading personality, extremely smart, curious, and at times manipulative. They have been called surprisingly deceitful (could conceal secrets for centuries). So yeah, I love him.

Ahaha, I rambled on quite a bit, didn't I? Again, thanks for the ask!!

#admittedly now i feel a little more vulnerable. might be the disorders speaking though #speaking of #i actually think yukari/maribel fits a npd/stpd intersection. which i do also see myself reflected in #once upon a time i had an ask tag. who knows what happened to it

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ambrossart · 3 months

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Hi hello i absolutely love paper man best it fanfiction I've ever read. i just so happened to reread again and i have a couple of questions. they might be dumb but im curious!!

when evie burns herself with the glue gun and patrick wants to see it. can you explain why? is it because he wants to see her in pain or if he doesnt feel pain himself and hes interested by the idea of feeling something?

also i think it's funny how victors saw eves bright yellow panties and then she wears the yellow dress. was that on purpose or a coincidence?

last question im rambling sorry, can you explain why Patrick was so void of emotion when talking to evie about matin? like yeah he's usually very void and vague but it was reallyy emotionless well until he asks her if he should handle him lol. i just want to know what he was feeling and when he tells Evie something along the lines of its only her and him in the whole school. does he think evies real?

can't wait for more never stop being you ❤️

1) I'd say it's a bit of both, actually. Considering what we already know about Patrick, I think it's pretty safe to assume he derives some pleasure in seeing/inflicting physical pain on others. But I also think there's an element of curiosity to it. Innocent curiosity. It's hard to expand on that further without spoiling things, but Season 2 is all about Patrick. You'll be learning a lot about him then. Probably way more than you want to know.

2) You know, there are several yellow objects in the story. Evelyn's spirit week dress. The Band-Aid she put on Henry's cheek. Her pink-and-yellow quilt. And yes, even the panties she was wearing that night. When I think of Evelyn, that's the color that comes to mind, so... yeah, I purposefully made a lot of things yellow, especially if they're associated with Evelyn.

3) I assume you're talking about the scene in the science lab after Evelyn's assault? Well, there's a couple things at play here:

Patrick is incapable of empathy. If feelings were colors, this boy would be colorblind. He genuinely cannot grasp the full depth of Evelyn's suffering. He can’t imagine what she went through. He can't relate to what she went through. None of that is getting through to him. None of it.

Patrick has a very nonchalant attitude toward sexual assault and sex in general, if we're being totally honest. He's assaulted his fair share of women in the past, including Evelyn, and he's probably been assaulted himself a few times, especially in his youth. Patrick doesn't mind, though. It's just sex, after all. Sometimes it gets a little violent. 🤷🏻‍♀️

In Patrick's eyes, Evelyn got off easy with Martin, a known rapist, which is why he basically says, "Hey, at least you weren't raped, right?" It's not a very kind thing to say, but it's true. It could've been a lot worse.

And if it had turned out worse, I think Patrick’s response would be a lot different. It would still come from a very selfish place, but it would be different: stronger and more severe.

Setting all of that aside, I wouldn't say Patrick was entirely devoid of emotion. Evelyn's situation definitely affected him, just not in the way it would affect most people.

Patrick is wired differently. I think that's the simplest way to put it.

4) As for your last question, well… yeah, I'm not gonna answer that. I can’t answer that. I do love that line, though. I think it says a lot about Patrick and his feelings toward Evelyn. The boy’s intense, like scary intense.

Thank you so much for reading! 💖

#answered asks #thanks for the ask!#bowers gang #patrick hockstetter #it stephen king #it 2017 #it fanfiction #paper men #ambrossart

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o-chunks-appreciation · 7 months

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I would like to hear your in-depth thoughts on O'Chunks, Count Bleck, and Super Paper Mario as a whole!

Woah this is just gonna be a big ramble on how much I love the game and why.

I’m gonna start with Super Paper Mario as a whole, I’m a really big fan and I have been since maybe around 2016 or so. I was vaguely aware of it as a kid but after watching a cosplay chess (its where you get a bunch of cosplayers to roleplay and they’re on a big chessboard and they act out in character to defeat each other until there’s a winner or sometimes even a subversion of plot) video that had a Dimentio cosplayer in it I decided to look into the game. By that point I was no stranger to jester characters, I used to rewatch the Marx fight from Kirby Super Star Ultra all of the time so I was immediately going through SPM play throughs, fanfic, fanart. It’s a game I seem to be thinking about all of the time for months and years on end without a break lol. It admittedly catches my attention more than the other Paper Mario games, I’m not sure why, perhaps because it’s so visually different in aesthetic and character design. I enjoy its silly moments and it’s dramatic lore, but I also have a very specific issue with some parts of the lore being vague in Carson’s stories specifically. He’s always ending his stories in a question or talking about how much of a mystery these stories are. Maybe it’s on purpose and maybe this is also wishful thinking on my end, but sometimes I theorize that maybe they were going to reuse some of SPM’s lore for another game. I uhhh can’t say much about the game play because I’ve been enjoying SPM through play throughs.

On to O’ Chunks!

I think he’s in last place in terms of fandom popularity in terms of the Castle Bleck cast. Honestly I sort of get it, he’s not conventionally attractive and most artists sort of struggle with drawing older, bald, and bearded characters. Especially back in 2007 when the game was released when the anime art style was very popular on Deviantart. You could turn everyone else in castle bleck into a cutesy attractive anime character since their designs are just vaguely human enough for you to make your own little interpretations but with O’ Chunks you can clearly see he has a very human design so you can’t really make a Gijinka of him like you could the others. I think there’s something cool yet funny about that though, like he’s some unchanging force throughout everyone’s interpretation of the cast. (But I think it would be really cool as well to see people stray from his main design and interpret his design in the same way people would the rest of castle bleck)

He’s played off as sort of a joke character and then you read up on Carson’s stories of him and then it’s all like Woahh this is the same dude we’re talking about?? Funny characters that are secretly tragic is a trope I really like.

I think it’s really silly how everyone plays into his “chunking” catchphrases like Count Bleck saying: "Very well, O'Chunks. I'll leave the hero-chunking to you. Do not fail Count Bleck." Or Dimentio saying: "Mmm... I do enjoy a good chunking...", it’s really fun that the other characters are willing to hype up O’ Chunk’s catchphrases.

Also I think everyone sort of just glossed over the fact O’ Chunks was begging to die because he didn’t want to go back to Count Bleck and tell him he got defeated for the second time and only changed his mind after Dimentio shows up and talks a bit and afterwards he’s all like: “yeah I wouldn’t kill myself unless the count told me to.”

In conclusion he’s a really cool and underrated character and I like him a lot!! (If you couldn’t already tell by the blog theme and name lol)

Finally on to Count Bleck!

Wahhhh I love his lore and story it’s sooo bittersweet I want to fall to my knees dramatically anytime I think of it. He definitely seems like the type of guy that thought he didn’t care about his crew and everything they’re all doing was purely business because he’s just so caught up in his whole depressive world ending shenanigans that by chapter 8 he’s sort of surprised that he likes his minions as much as they do.

He’s still very much a bad guy, wiping out whole worlds and also lying to his very loyal group about making a way cooler world afterwards, and also on top of that even manipulating some of his minions unfortunate circumstances to get them on his team. (I.E: O’ Chunks) but I will let it slide this time because he’s a cool character to me.

All the memory sections of the game are so cute until it hits chapter six and then it’s like….ouch my feelings. He was mourning her so bad he would’ve unknowingly killed her if he’d succeeded, damn. But he didn’t so they got their nice little happy ending, and they’re just so cute together yaayyy!! (I’m in love with the picture of them under the tree at the end of the credits and I totally start to tear up when I see it with the credits music)

He’s a really interesting character and I can’t find myself finding another Mario character that inflicts this same emotions his lore gave me.

#super paper mario #thanks for the ask!#I uh didn’t proof read this so hopefully it’s readable #my last thought is that I wish this game had actual merch #but I guess all paper Mario games have some obscure merch usually stationary or cards merch

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maxzinn · 5 months

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Jesus, the Aventurine slave fic drama is still going?

I've never read the fic myself but I did comment an answer on a question on the fic's second part about the reader's occupation because I was curious.

So, you can imagine my shock and fear when people started coming after the author and even some of the readers were getting backlash for being white-knights. I was so scared that I deleted every comment, reblog, and like and unfollowed the author out of paranoia because I felt like a piece of garbage for thinking nothing of a fic involving slavery.

Even after confiding with my friend, I still feel awkward and wary around Tumblr because people like these terrify me into wanting to just get off the internet.

Sorry for rambling but I still feel really anxious about reading, liking, and reblogging fics (especially Aventurine ones) because I'm afraid I'm going to step on a landmine.

Unfortunately, there's still some few people bringing it up yes. But overall I think the whole situation had gone down a bit.

Also, please don't feel like you're a piece of garbage because there was totally nothing wrong with that fic! I get your reaction and why you'd be scared and I can't blame you, but just know that those people who kept bringing it up and hating on it are just idiots who haven't read the fic themselves.

please read these posts, just know that a LOT of people that had neutral perspectives also think that the fic wasn't even that bad link 1 link 2 link 3

read the reblogs and comments on the last link, you can see that there's still reasonable people who doesn't just join the bandwagon on hating on a fic they haven't even read yet. I also confided with my friend about this topic (someone who doesn't read fanfics and isn't on tumblr) and even they agree that there was NOTHING wrong with it!

I hope you can recover from the shock someday, and I do hope that people should just stop bringing this up if they ain't gonna go through in-depth analysis about what really happened. Stop bringing this up if they ain't gonna make efforts to know what the fic's content was.

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kazanfamily · 6 months

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☄️- Do you guys have any collective interests?

⚡- What is your headspace like? (If you have one)

✨- Does anyone have a pet?

⭐- Does your system have a name?

💫- Does anyone wanna share something about their source? Feel free to ramble, anyone can answer too!

-Geography, anime and voice acting! These pretty much form the pillars of our collective identity, but other than that everyone's unique.

-We're always moving headspaces, since we get bored of being in one place for too long! We rotate between a few places, mostly based on different videogames since those are the worlds it's easiest to imagine ourselves in. Most recently, though, we decided to experiment by making our headspace a cottagecore forest with no defined layout, so we could make it up as we discovered more of it. That's been working pretty okay so far! :)

-We've had some NPCs who served as mascots or pets of sorts, though they're not frequently very active and we haven't felt them around anymore. They're mostly based on our source.

-Our system name is Kazan World! We went more at length about its origin and history in this post:

(China) - Since I'm the one fronting, I guess I'll answer the last question. I'm the oldest here both out of my sourcemates and the system as a whole. And in my exomemories, I was one of the first immortals the world discovered. It was pretty lonely and confusing before I found others like me, and humans were always trying to study me and become like me. It's probably different in this timeline, but in what I remember, I was one of the main reasons so many emperors of China constantly sought immortality.

#thanks for the ask!#ask game #plurality #plural system #endo safe #infodump

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sawneythelazy · 1 year

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I love the Rivetra and to console myself that it is real I like to ask the opinion of other fans to ship 😂. Do you also think that there were romantic feelings on both sides? If yes, why ?

Hello!

So sorry it's taken me so long to respond to this!

I think that what is so amazing about the characters of Levi and Petra in aot, how they are presented in both the manga and anime is that it can be read either way! The thing about them having romantic feelings for one another is that the potential is absolutely undeniable, and I think the fact that so many people recognise this and come to the internet to search for evidence of it is proof enough of its viability.

Personally I also think this is what makes their relationship so fascinating to me - you can choose to read so much into the small moments - it's giving a kind of Jane Austen level of subtle gesture to show us what could be a deep well of feelings on both sides. To me, that is so much more interesting than when characters openly admit and express their feelings - I live for the tortured soul who is so very in love and so very "not allowed" to be in love hahaha

The first time I watched aot I didn't pick up on their potential connection until Petra died - and then suddenly it was like a whole new world of depth unravelled, and I felt like we as an audience saw a side to Levi that we hadn't seen before. The fact that it's Petra's body we see fly from the cart, Petra's badge that's given away, Petra's body is the last he comes upon and the one he stops at, and that it's Petra's father that comes to speak to him is what made me think that they might have had feelings for one another - though again this is not proof, just what I like to think. There were 3 other members of the special ops squad who we did not see have any post death interaction with Levi beyond him mournfully passing their bodies.

That for me was enough to justify thinking they might have had feelings for one another, or at least, that Petra held a special place in his heart romantic or otherwise - not to mention that on re-read/watch, you can find so many other moments before the squad's death that can feed into this theory if you wish!

Whatever your opinion of their true feelings, I think the importance of these characters to one another is absolutely undeniable, and that is what makes them so fun to explore.

Sorry that was very rambly but I hope I sort of answered your question!

#rivetra #levi x petra #aot #petra ral #levi ackerman #original special ops squad

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iguessitsjustme · 10 months

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Ok... So you made the poll on this auspicious day and you chose UWMA. May I ask why do you prefer uwma?

Rose💜

Hello lovely! I really didn’t realize when I made the poll that it’s the anniversary of the rooftop scene. I am so accidentally funny all of the time.

I say this as someone who also loves and adores Bad Buddy. Bad Buddy is one of only two shows that I told my mother to watch as it was airing (the other one is Last Twilight right now lol). So obviously Bad Buddy is up there for me. BUT I think Until We Meet Again is better. The story is tighter despite having more episodes. I’m also a sucker for the soulmate trope. Especially if it incorporates the red string of fate. To this day, UWMA can make me cry if I go back and watch certain scenes, and it is HARD to get me to cry. I just don’t. Not that I don’t want to, it just doesn’t happen. But UWMA? Every. Damn. Time.

Also InKorn are my beloveds and I love that they get a second chance through Pharm and Dean and then I love the Pharm and Dean chose to let them go. They chose their own lives and they chose each other. So, sure, they’re fated soulmates, but destiny didn’t decide for them. It just gave them a helping hand.

I also think that UWMA did so much for the BL genre as a whole. Yes, so did Bad Buddy. But UWMA opened up the doors for BL to tell us honest to god stories. Stories with themes and messages. UWMA made the entirety of QL as it is today possible and I stand by that. The depth of all of the characters from main pairing to side pairing to minor characters is something UWMA did SO well and it only added to the narrative. Every element of UWMA worked together to create the story that was told.

I’ll end this by saying that it’s been awhile since I’ve seen either show and I still remember bits of UWMA very, very clearly. I struggle at times with Bad Buddy if it’s ever brought up. I think overall, UWMA is a better, more cohesive story than Bad Buddy and it found me or I found it at the right time for it to really hit home. Bad Buddy only exists because of the great and wondrous stories that came before it. And many new and beautiful shows exist because of Bad Buddy. BL is like a staircase and UWMA is (one of) the first step(s) before we were able to move on to the next.

Hope that answered the question. I did not realize I had so many thoughts about this and I just kind of rambled for a bit.

#thanks for the ask #until we meet again #bad buddy

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fancy-a-dance-brigadier · 1 year

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star trek ds9 for the ask thing!

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to ramble about my most beloved space show!!

Favourite character: Julian Bashir. He captivated me with his relentlessly irritating personality from day one. For real though, I just love how his character evolves throughout the show (season 7 not withstanding because what the hell was going on there), and I genuinely think he gets some of the best focus episodes (‘The Quickening’ I’m looking at you, that episode is a MASTERPIECE). But he’s funny and intense and strong and goofy, and above all he’s a consummate professional - there’s a lot of layers to him, which is what makes him so fascinating. Basically I’m a Bashir girlie for life. Love that noodle man.

Second favourite character: I’m genuinely having a hard time deciding between Sisko and Ezri, so I’ll choose both! Sisko is easily the best captain in all of Star Trek, and so much of that comes down to Avery Brooks’ masterful performance. There’s an endless amount of depth to his character, from his relationship to Jake to his hatred of the Maquis, from his position as Emissary to his passion for cooking and inventing and creating. Absolute king of my heart basically. As for Ezri, I just find her whole arc so compelling - she’s the host who was never meant to be a host, and she had the poor luck of hosting one of the most significant symbionts in Trill society. I do agree that the show definitely fumbles with her potential, and it’s a shame we only get one season of her, but I think she really does make the most of the time she’s given. Plus the nose scrunch. Nothing but respect for Ezri’s nose scrunch.

Least favourite character: The Female Founder. And it’s a shame, because DS9 has a great track record for its villains, but they really dropped the ball on her. She always felt like she slowed the story down, and her role in Odo’s story just got repetitive. I think they did improve her at the end of season 7 when she was dying, but a few good episodes don’t really make up for how frustrating I found her throughout the rest of the show.

The character I’m most like: Uhh Jake I guess? He likes writing, I like writing. He likes Ben Sisko, I like Ben Sisko. Uh yeah that’s all I’ve got 😂

Favourite pairing: Siskoshir, but I’m sure you saw that coming! It’s about the professional respect they have for each other, it’s about the tenderness, it’s about their shared willingness to break the rules for a good cause, it’s about that one scene in ‘Past Tense’ when Ben gets Julian breakfast. Nothing but love for them always and forever.

Least favourite pairing: Kira/Dukat. I don’t think I need to explain why.

Favourite moment: This is a cruel question because how am I supposed to pick just one moment?? From seven seasons of brilliant television?? I’m supposed to choose between the scenes with the Prophets from ‘Emissary’ and Benny’s breakdown at the end of ‘Far Beyond the Stars’? I’m supposed to choose between Julian confronting Winn in ‘Life Support’ and Kira speaking to Kai Opaka about her relationship to violence in ‘Battle Lines’? I’m supposed to choose between the ‘Rejoined’ kiss and Odo’s love confession in ‘Heart of Stone’? Cruelty, it’s cruelty I say.

Rating out of 10: 11/10. It’s perfect television. I’ve never enjoyed binge watching things, but let me tell you I spent 50% of my life last year binging DS9 for the first time and it’s become one of those beautiful experiences in my fannish life that I yearn to recapture. Sometimes a silly space show really can cling to your heart and never let go.

#thanks again for the ask!#ask game #star trek #ds9

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limeade-l3sbian · 1 year

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I really need help with the whole morning paralysis thing. My psychiatrist keeps pushing anti anxiety meds on me but not only do they not work but they make me feel so like lethargic and numb.

I hate feeling like this. I waste 3 hours every morning just laying on my bed waiting for it to pass, people keep saying do yoga, move your body a little but like I can't???? I'm literally like paralyzed in bed, if I move my arm just to reach my phone I feel like there's pounds and pounds of heavy iron inside it.

I really wanna get better and I'm willing to do what it takes I just need to know what.

I'm not really a pro or anything so my advice is strictly based on what I personally do.

I think what helps me in these moments is both somewhat helpful but also uncomfortable. I ask myself what specifically I am anxious about. Because what I'm anxious about can vary at times or it can be the same reason. Either way, in situations where I HAVE to get up soon but can't move, I ask myself, "What am I afraid of today?"

Doesn't matter how big or small it is, it just matters that you address it.

What sticks out to me is that you say when you reach for your phone, it is like an extreme weight. But all this tells me is that you can move. It is laborious and feels like the most effort you've ever used, but it is possible. Because that feeling of "I can't move" is an unfortunate power of the brain. Good lord is that thing powerful. But it is possible! Your fear, the soundness of which is not being questioned, has literally debilitated you on a physical level so intense that you cannot move. But it has also deceived you into believing that you cannot do something you very much can.

I don't know the depth of your anxiety. I don't know the severity beyond this obvious hurdle. But something that helped me growing up with anxiety was facing the fact that something I was anxious about was going to happen. It's weird, but I used to get genuinely nervous about falling in front of people. I was scared to be perceived and when that perception came, it came with embarrassment of my clumsiness.

I grew up poor and always running out of time, it seems. Always on other people's schedules (parents, school, the bus, etc.). So to be honest, I was kind of forced to work through my anxiety because I couldn't afford not to. And this isn't saying anything about you. I'm saying this to say that my advice may sound so straightforward because I never really got the chance to ease out of it. But in a way, it really helped.

I don't want to lie and say "you're worried about nothing!" because honestly, the shit that keeps you frozen in place is likely very real. And I'm rambling a little so I'll say this: for the small things, you must know that they are just going to eventually happen. you are going to 'make a fool of yourself' in front of people, you are going to fall, you are going to drop something, you are going to misunderstand, you are going to make someone upset. these things are going to happen. and honestly, the more they do, the more you must tell yourself "i was okay the last time this happened. embarrassed but okay."

For bigger issues like fear of attack, impending financial issues, potential death of someone, etc..: All you can do is all you can do. Unfortunately, the world is kinda shit right now. And that's also important to remember! Are you unreasonably anxious, or are you responding to this current world around you the same way anyone would? You can only control your efforts. And this shit sounds generic as fuck but it's true.

I promise you, talking to yourself OUT LOUD about these things will hit you different. You might cry and you might even feel more anxious, but facing the things that are literally keeping you prisoner in your own body will not fix everything, but will help you start to reclaim yourself.

#ask

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hisui555 · 7 months

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Hazbin Hotel thoughts : Foils 5

Masterpost here

Been a little while, I got myself into some RP for the first time ever. Managed to burn Lucifer's tower down on the first day while being a litteral little gremlin from the dumpsters. That sums it up pretty well.

Oh, and it's the first time I've RP-ed ever.

Anyway, for your inane Foils rambling of the day, my dumb brain cooked up a weird one : Adam (and Exorcists) VS Hell. Obvious, I know, but let's get more into depth about it, shall we ?

So to call Adam an obnoxious psychotic fratbro with all the emotional development of a bratty toddler would be kind of an understatement. Which in itself is an understatement too, to Inception levels. Adam is the First Man, one of the two oldest existing humans alive, turned angel to everyone's bafflement as the very first human soul in Heaven, and given the mystery that looms in the background of the show, it's yet to be seen just how in the bloody world he managed that. From the beginning, he's someone trying to impose his will on someone else, in his case Lilith, who made the utterly sacrilegious decision to stand up for herself and be an independent, emancipated person with boundaries to respect. I know, right ? Crazy.

And given how he reacts to Lucifer's taunting (if this short king really did score the two, it'll be hilarious), Golden KFC-man is tryharding to compensate. But he's also endearing in his brattiness, in his own way, leaning into it so heavily he'd topple Pisa, that he crosses back into funny, despite the genocidal tendencies (which for their part are played for all the horror necessary). And this... is kinda reminiscent of Hell in the show : it's a sordid, horrible place, but a good bucket of dark laughs are derived from it because of how horrible it is. Adam even admits to Charlie that he "likes the vibe", but prides himself on being in Heaven when he clearly didn't deserved any of it.

His own physical appearance, past the gold-blue-white color palette, has horns and shark teeth for the helmet, spikes for the rocker imagery - that, in passing, is often associated with demons and Hell too - and his color scheme dives down to dark blue in the last episode, when ready for battle. While he does look like the most average human ever underneath, it's quite interesting to see that Adam with a color swap and changing nothing else would fit right at home in Hell. Same thing for the Exorcists when in uniform : monochrome, outright more creepy looking than most demons, they actually look like classic demons (minus the tails) unlike the creative diversity of physionomies in Hell, that Heaven mirrors with its own twist on it.

It's kinda like watching a clichéd stereotype costume versus the real thing : Heaven is so out of touch with what's going on below that the Exorcists end up being a mockery of what they mass-hunt, for extra petty points (kinda reminds of what Native Americans went through. Yep. Not a happy thought). And they are just as bloodthirsty, if not more, than the demons themselves (giving you a hard sideglance, Lute), to the point of fanaticism - something that could actually be seen in HELL. Let's repeat, this is their whole activity that shows up once per year, and let's speculate that they do some training, but outside of that ? Plus, they're so confident in themselves that their fighting tactic looks more like "stick weapon into demon and move onto the next" than anything advanced, and didn't see it coming that their own weapons can perma-disconnect them from god's Wi-fi. This is suicidal overconfidence right there - again, something better seen in Hell.

Which makes it very interesting if you put Adam VS Charlie from a virtues and sins point of view : Charlie the Hellborn demon, daughter of Lucifer (who is the embodiment of a Sin himself, namely Pride), checks all virtues while Adam checks all capital sins :

He's wrathful and a revenge-seeker, hating being dismissed or put into question (seething with rage when Charlie and Emily call him indirectly out on his behavior, along Lute), while she's kind and patient, only calling onto anger in rightful situations.

He's often seen stuffing his face with food (ribs) and drinks on various photos and in person, and has a noticeable gut - something Lucifer remarks on that he "kinda let himself go". Charlie is all down for a good drink after a hard day of work, and while Husk mentions that she can get drunk to the point of spouting insecurities, it doesn't happen often and she knows that overindulging is bad. She also makes efforts to get rid of Angel's stash of drugs.

Talking about Adam's libido would be like trying to barge into open doors : he jumps on whoever he wants and even throws a tantrum when someone has no interest in him, like a certain "Virtue chick". He constantly makes crass remarks, finds Charlie and Vaggie's relationship "hot as fuck though" and basically his moral compass has a dick-shaped arrow. Charlie practices temperance and advocates the healthier parts of chastity, since losing oneself into lust isn't a good thing in the long run, but she also seems to lead a happy intimate life with her girlfriend.

The lust thing also ties about Adam's envy issues : Lucifer literally out bow-chicka-wow-wowed him, his first wife left, and Adam is overcompensating hard, pun unintended. Whatever others have or do, he'll want better or do better. He's in for his own comfort and fun, and whenever there's a threat of something better he doesn't have, he wants it. He HAS to be on top, or else the world might as well stop functioning, and is seen seeking Sera's approval. He'll try to sabotage everything out of pettiness, just like he outed Vaggie's true identity to Charlie, because the latter pointed out the truth. Charlie, on her side, is selfless, generous and genuinely wanting to help out, no matter the sometimes litteral cost. She took in Angel and Pentious, offered them a chance to be better, and doesn't resent them for their faults. For someone born as a Princess, she'd rather be addressed as a commoner and hates using her title to force things ("But that's so meaaaan !").

Adam is a selfish bastard that's all take and no give, hinted at his first rejection with Lilith. He thinks that, as the First Man, he's entitled to everything and should be given whatever he wants immediately. Charlie is very much the opposite, even being a bit too much give and almost no take.

Laziness ? Well, goes right in hand with letting himself go. Outside of the Exterminations, he barely does anything, and when he does, he makes it all about him. He's sitting on his own laurels due to the "achievement" of being the first human soul in Heaven, and hasn't bothered adapting his behavior any bit since. Charlie on her own side is diligent, committing to her wishes and dreams to save Sinners and redempt them that she's literally outside during (or right after) an Extermination, as seen when she meets Vaggie. She's also no stranger to pulling all-nighters and go through whole boards of plans to make it work.

And finally, pride. Oh boy saying that Adam is prideful is like stating that the universe is big. His first meeting with Charlie should tell you all you need to know. He's self-entitled, a pure breed of absolute self-centered jackass, and needs to have the spotlight on him or else he'll combust. Something not going his way, as seen when he gets his "original ass" trounced by Lucifer ? He goes for a balls-out tantrum, saying that people should worship him since "all of humanity came from these fucking nuts !" Compare Charlie who's too meek to truly put her foot down when only for herself (for friends she'll do it just fine) and hates to use her status as Princess of Hell. Whenever she gains confidence, it's never in a self-centered way : Ready For This has her asking "if you'll permit me" to others for the leader role, wanting to face the threat together with her army, on equal grounds. Even against Adam she's holding back (as hinted when tapping into more power when stopping him from landing a sneak attack on her dad), and is never bragging about her abilities.

So, in the end, what do we have ? A very flawed First Man (who is an outright villain) looking very close to a demon, versus a way more humane actual demon Princess. Which raises the question : what makes a bad person, and a good person ? As seen with Helluva Boss, so far outside of Mammon all of the seen Sins are very decent people that do indulge in vice, but know the limits and only do it with the ones that can handle it : Beelzebub encourages overindulgence and gluttony for its own sake, not escapism or self-destruction. Asmodeus is very vocally against forced lust, and under the façade also doesn't mind romance. Lucifer himself is very creative and has done astounishing feats, flaunting his power in Hell's Greatest Dad, but while he's low on self-worth and confidence after millenia of seeing only the worst, also teaches his daughter to stand up for herself ("You don't take shit from other demons.") AND is willing to use said power to help.

Bottom line : they don't harm others with it. And, ain't that kinda the whole thing ? Adam literally slaughter ex-humans, his own kind, out of twisted amusement, and hurts everyone around him to come out on top. Charlie is mindful and willing to help, while not forgetting herself in the process (more or less). Adam is clearly going overboard on all his vices while Charlie, who does have some too (drinking to the point of being actually drunk), is more balanced.

What makes one a jackass ? BEING a jackass. Nothing else.

Welp, this one is kinda the odd one out, dunno if I'll have more like that one but I hope you had fun.

Again, Masterpost here.

#hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel thoughts #hazbin hotel charlie #hazbin charlie #hazbin hotel vaggie #hazbin vaggie #hazbin hotel adam #hazbin adam #hazbin exorcists

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kyomunosaki · 1 year

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Random thoughts on G-Witch

Honestly I really loved the whole run of G-Witch, but I wish it didn't de-fang some of the stuff it seemed to directly draw inspiration from, namely Universal Century's Anaheim Electronics and Armored Core: For Answer. I don't really know how to put it in my opening here, but I just wish they made it more of a compelling social commentary if they're going to be dealing in a corpo setting.

Spoilers obviously, and it's just mostly rambling on my part. Please don't take my opinions too seriously, they're just opinions.

I don't want to devalue the cool stuff it does with Utena homages with the Holder system and all, plus the really sad but heartfelt parts where the main two question their sexuality or whatever, that stuff's pretty good. But a lot of the Asticassia-related stuff just feels like a much safer, less interesting way of tackling the whole MS testing/selling idea compared to Anaheim Electronics. The difference between testing your suits through the OYW versus rich kids with no legitimate stakes other than more wealth is something to me, especially with the original metaphor and how it extends into later sequels, spinoffs, and fanfiction like Unicorn. I know this alone is petty, and maybe it is even with my other points. Still feel like it says nothing, while mostly just existing to support a different portion of the show, when it could potentially be a narrative about both.

I want to bring up that a lot of stuff like Peil Technologies and it's influence into the Space Assembly League is lifted seemingly directly from Armored Core: For Answer's Omer Technologies and League of Ruling Companies. Peil even galvanizes scientists from Vanadis Institute similar to Rayleonard! (There wasn't a good place to do it, but I feel like I need to mention how they got Wataru Inaba to design Peil's mobile suits, since he also did Rosenthal! The depth of the homages kinda go crazy.) Even with major elements of the show being taken wholesale from something that actually asks significant questions about the same topics G-Witch does (even has a "fuck them all ending"), I find that it fails to deliver by instead being one about bad actors and something about traumatized rich people leading to injustices, rather than critiquing the systems that allow that to occur.

This is just a guess, but I felt that in the show they originally planned to play with POV more. There are some bits in the first cour that are framed to be fun school club activities, but if you even think about it for a second they're a branch of a megacorporation advertising a war machine in a family friendly way to promote, medicine? Alongside the primary characters all being from prosperous backgrounds in a world that's run amuck with inequality, and the character framed as a villain who's seen as a hero to those on Earth, something interesting could've been done here! Two major events related to this happen, but quickly get glossed over due to some SEED-level MacGuffin spawning during the last portion of the show.

Thanks Rau.

One thing to note is that by the end, while Prospera gets to retire, Shaddiq just drew the wrong card in Monopoly. I would normally take this more in good-faith, but the framing of it just felt extremely wrong to me. It's taken more as a fact of the system, rather than something that can be fixed through stuff like action and education. But yeah, take this with a grain of salt since it's just my read on it.

Overall while the queer stuff in G-Witch is genuinely amazing, I do find the other social inequality stuff just completely lacking. It makes me wonder why they even included it outside of having the Utena stuff on a not!Aneheim colony through some Raven arena ranking system. I have a theory that some staffer, say Ookouchi, simply likes these works (check what he's worked on for example), but I really wish it paid homage to them by actually utilizing them.

I'm really hoping they make more anime in the Ad Stella timeline, since I think it has potential to be some of the most interesting Gundam stuff ever, especially since this sort of stuff doesn't get discussed in the series all too much. It's also the closest I'll get to any sort of Armored Core anime. Next time BL tho.

#gundam #gundam the witch from mercury

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peterrrei · 2 years

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Please talk in depth about whatever character you wish, but if you need me to pick one, please talk about Mirai!!!

THANK YOU FOR MIRAI QUESTION!!!

since im rewatching the 0079 movies i’ve been thinking a lot about her… and bright… and sleggar OTL

i think sleggar isn’t really liked among gundam fans because well. he’s kinda introduced as a guy who is pushy with women and speaks his mind without minding the consequences. i really like him actually LOL i think he is a very realistic character and you can see through his actions that he’s a person marked by whatever happened to him. you don’t need to know what it is, but you get the feeling that you would know a guy like him in real life.

i love when he joins the crew and instantly reads everyone and then walks out like Where’s my bunk? what a guy. also in the movie he refers to amuro piloting the gundam as gundam-chan. i love that so much 🤧

i might be talking too much about sleggar when this is a mirai ask but god i really appreciate him for not taking advantage of mirai’s confused emotions and telling her to not think too much about whatever she was feeling before he left for his last fight. it’s war and people tend to jump onto whatever gives them a sense of stability and security.

mirai… didn’t really follow his advice in the end right? i have talked about her marriage with bright several times on twitter so i don’t want to sound like a broken record but ough i love their fucked up rushed marriage.

i am kinda sad sometimes that mirai just became kinda a mom character archetype and i wish she got to do some other cool shit in later series like when she flipped the whole white base upside down THAT WAS HARDCORE! but you know it’s fair. she joined white base because she didn’t have a choice and i can see bright really wanting his family to have a life free of war. which is ironic considering hathaway’s future 🤧

yeah sorry for rambling these are my immediate thoughts and maybe i should rewatch zeta and form more thoughts about her development. but zeta hurts me </3

oh and since i ended up talking about sleggar more here’s a sketch of a sticker i want to make of mirai:

i need to draw her footsies poking out as if she was sitting on a rocking horse 🥺 it’s so funny that in english they call white base “trojan horse” when it isnt… really.. a trojan horse. but in ita subs they call it a rocking horse and i love it so much 🥹❤️

#asks

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variousqueerthings · 2 years

Text

And here’s the “Trapper????” part -- also now in my head as the “I can’t believe Trapper’s ghost just made an appearance out of nowhere like that, it was like watching a horror movie!!????”

This is way more ramble and more about… Feelings and Questions I have, because I certainly don’t have answers...

So BJ punched Hawkeye. As we all know.

In-story, I don’t thiiink he’ll ever be violent like that at Hawkeye again, but what can it mean for Hawkeye’s Belief in him as an entirely Good Person (as explored in the previous post about This Episode)? He’s seen BJ’s anger (he’s caused that anger), he’s seen BJ railing against the unfairness of the world and people, he’s seen BJ intensely disappointed in him, he’s seen BJ violent in his defence, but he’s never been the recipient of it…

And the violence was on the surface a build-up of a lot of things that didn’t have anything to do with Hawkeye, while also being catalysed by Hawkeye’s Just Not Getting Why He’s So Upset, however!!!

But!!!

Then!!!!

this brings us to the other Thing… BJ… is jealous… of Trapper…… I don’t remember when the last episode was that actually said Trapper’s name, but also invoked like this???? Off the top of my head was that when Hawkeye said that Trapper left???? Back in season four?????

And he broke the still! He broke the still that Hawkeye built with Trapper??

I think I’m more amazed at this than the actual meat of the episode, not because that’s not amazing character analysis and writing and acting! (Mike! Mike how could you cry like that!!! Why would you do that to me???) but because I didn’t see it coming at all even a little bit!

The rest of the episode was a fantastic slow build into exploring BJ’s grief about missing his daughter’s life (lifetime!) with a lot of interesting ideas about BJ’s character/role and masculinity.

And then the scene came and I was Transfixed, I was fully in it... and then he said he was jealous of Trapper!

I need to rewatch the scene when I’m brave enough, because it really was heartbreaking and beautifully acted and contained so much Depth, but the Trapper bit threw me for such a loop that I almost missed what he said next, which I believe was in relation to Trapper getting to go home and see his family, which… yes, yes okay.

But.

When did that jealousy start sir???? How long have you been thinking about Trapper??? The ghost of Trapper??? In this tent you share with Hawkeye the best friend you ever had who was Trapper’s best friend first, in which you just broke the still he made with Trapper and then punched him in the face????? What did Trapper mean in the story versus what you mean to the story????? And of course this mainly in relation to what the two of you mean to specifically Hawkeye??????

(sidenote: episode right before this BJ kissed Radar on the cheeks and said to give those kisses to Peg and to Erin... which... is what Trapper asked him to do for Hawkeye).

What does it all mean?????????

You know?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In the same episode we obviously have Klinger compared to Radar, and then Potter addresses an old elephant in the room and compares himself to Blake, and then, all of a sudden, without any warning… Trapper to BJ. And in my last post about this episode I did talk about the ways in which, as an audience member, I was putting a lot onto BJ because of Trapper, and how that's a reflection of… possibly… the fact that Hawkeye does the same.

Has BJ been carrying the ghost of Trapper with him this entire time?

And now everything is spilling over, his grief over missing out on his daughter’s life, his sense of uselessness in the role of father and husband (and man), and… the fact that Trapper was there first perhaps? That Trapper escaped the narrative, which is the reason he’s in it? That some element of him is always filtered through a perception of Trapper – Hawkeye’s perception of Trapper?

These are all questions that currently have no answer, and I’ll just have to revisit them when I’ve finished the whole story.

Haven’t been this haunted by the ghost of narrative past since season 4 (although, mildly and consistently taking radioactive ghost damage throughout Margaret’s narrative these past two seasons as well!)

And as for how Hawkeye might feel about all of this? I can’t even begin to guess (well, I can, but it’d be so biased and flimsy I’d just be fully in headcanon land and again… I want to see if this thread gets picked up on again, or if Trapper was simply invoked in tandem with Radar and Henry, but even If, I cannot... fuck... this is too much).

But there’s a lot of factors in how to see the violence against Hawkeye -- in lots and lots of media there’s violence between men and it’s portrayed as fine and normal, even admirable. Heck, Hawkeye once punched Frank and it wasn’t portrayed as That Big Of A Deal. I actually had to reassess Hawkeye because of that happening, and in other episodes violence is treated in much less blasé ways, for example when Hawkeye loses his temper with the guy who does statistical analysis on how many wounded will come in, and that was “just” a shove... anyway -- I think this show is generally different in how it goes about violence, but there's a definite boundary between the guys bein guys ritual violence (and Margaret! who is always right!) and what is unacceptable violence.

We make jokes about weakling Hawkeye, and he’s not technically, but he isn’t the kind of guy who engages in The Rituals Of Masculine Violence, and he’s shown several times to react quite loudly to pain, and he’s not that strong... look, he’s a scarecrow, we know this, he knows this, he’s a lover not a fighter, etcetc.

And BJ is very much not that. There have been several deliberate comparisons made between the two in terms of physique and interest in sports and working out and the like. BJ punching Hawkeye feels... wrong. Not just because it’s not guys bein guys and we’ll laugh it off later in That Manly Way, but that Hawkeye can’t actually defend himself if BJ decides to get violent with him... fairly certain he knocked him unconscious actually.

The framing of it felt different than what you usually see between two men in a story, hence why it’s so shocking -- not just because they’re friends, but because BJ shouldn’t hit Hawkeye. It’s wrong for him to do so, in a way, say, it’s not quite as wrong for Zale and Klinger to get into a fight (although Zale is just kind of a dick and a bigot, so there’s a different wrongness happening there, but Klinger can fight back and the narrative is framed in a way that makes you want him to fight back, because that’s a traditionally allowed and acceptable way for him to react -- not to do so would be situationally more gay/effeminate than wearing dresses, which leads us back to all kinds of interesting reads about Hawkeye).

The apology later on is sincere and full of regret (the best friend he’s ever had). It’s messy, all of it. And since he broke the still and brought up Trapper it can’t help but make me read it as far beyond the rest of what’s upsetting BJ in this episode. He’s not “just” grieving the lost time of his daughter’s life, not “just” the dissolution of who he’s meant to be, he’s also angry... and like the grief, the anger feels long-simmering.

Does Hawkeye take that in? Does he let himself take it in? How do you internalise all of “waves hands” that???

What I’m also dancing around is that one very obvious interpretation is that a non-zero part of BJ’s loooong compartmentalized now spilling over “stuff” is that he has feelings for Hawkeye -- both as an audience member, but also in-story for Hawkeye, if we read Hawkeye as a bisexual man (who keeps falling in love with married people). Which also adds another layer to the messiness of punching him. Because then it’s a (potential) lover punching a (potential) lover. (This also compared to BJ’s last more obvious act of violence being in defence of a Hawkeye who -- once again -- cannot fight back and might have gotten hurt if not for his intervention).

They’re both men, but Hawkeye doesn’t do these things (except for that one time with Frank). And if BJ feels this strongly about Trapper, in a way that suggests he’s felt this way for quite some time... can Hawkeye begin to imagine why? Can he let himself potentially imagine that read? Can he talk with anyone about it? (no). Regardless of the actual why, there’s all the potential reasons why and Hawkeye’s going to just have to live with that.

And of course, lastly... how does Hawkeye feel about the still being destroyed? (again, that BJ destroys something that’s Hawkeye’s in a fit of anger has connotations. They could have had him breaking it by accident, or it no longer working, or... but no, it was BJ, it was deliberate, it was right before he was violent with Hawkeye, and it was not long before he admitted to being jealous of Trapper).

That was something he made with Trapper.

And now it’s something he’s remaking with BJ, but off the back of a series of very horrible events for the both of them. Not quite the fairytale Second Chance one might have pictured way back in s4 when BJ appeared like some kind of vision right as Hawkeye was about to fall to pieces.

Oh so very very messy, all of it.

Hawkeye’s mind is already so scrambled, I don’t think he needs all of this mess on top, but, then again, BJ never asked to be the Second Chance. He never asked to be perceived as perfect. It was going to break, eventually. And all the reasons why may just go right back to simmering...

#bj hunnicutt #hawkeye pierce #trapper mcintyre #im watching MASH #MASH #i can't believe this episode just happened I don't even think this ramble contains all of what is happening in my brain #maybe a last textpost that's just an audio recording of me screaming for an hour?#MASH meta

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