#I cannot believe they will be 13 in a couple of weeks

[sunmontuewrites]

[imaginesig]

Blue + Papaya

Pato O'Ward x reader

An F1 and an Indycar driver go on a social media brake....

ynln posted a two stories!

caption: (1) was I paying attention to the totally important sponsor lunch? Mmh yea totally (2) cheers to the absolute champ that is my man @/patriciooward

replies:

maxverstappen1

you're lucky they thought it was cute

old rich people love happy couples!

yea and the champagne you bought the table

hey the sponsored agreed to the next season so 🤷‍♀️

patriciooward

I cannot believe you

dont worry they found our love cute so they agreed

you're ridiculous

but you love me!

I do ❤️

user1

LMAO Y/N

user2

YOU WERE NOT WATCHING INDYCAR AT A WORK LUNCH

user3

y'all are literally my favorite couple ever!!!

patriciooward

liked by ynln, arrowmclaren, user43, and 823,209 others

patriciooward celebrating first 💪

tagged arrowmclaren, ynln

ynln THATS HOW WE DO IT

ynln LETS GO PAPAYA

user3 what a redbull pr nightmare

ynln IM SO PROUD

patriciooward I love you 🤍

ynln I love you too!!!!🤍

arrowmclaren That's our driver 👏🏆

user1 YESSS PATO!!!!

user2 a weekend full of Mclaren wins🧡

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patriciooward posted two stories!

captions: (1) lets go 13!!! (and Mclaren) (2) someone's moms a winner

replies

ynln

I love youuu

I love you tooooo

call me later!!

Will do!

landonorris

thanks for the support 😒

at least I mentioned you

bros before hoes or whatever they say

im ignoring you now

user1

stop this is too cute

user2

"someones mom" I'm gonna cry

ynln

liked by patriciooward, redbullracing, maxverstappen1, and 928,293 others

ynln love to hear that champagne pop!

tagged redbullracing

patriciooward You were incredible! Norbi and I are so proud!!

ynln I love and miss you guys 🤍

danielriccardo what a race!

redbullracing thats our girl 💪💪

ynln admin i love you

maxverstappen1 next time I'll get you

ynln sure sure, whatever you say

user1 great day for YnPato fans

user2 fr i love the double wins

user3 aww the flowers from Pato

user4 hes always on top of things

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twitter

ynln posted a story!

caption: off week(s) I love you already

replies

user1

where you going with that papaya Y/n?

user2

headed to america by any chance?

user3

airport fits always eat

indycar_updates

liked by user1, user5, user84, and 734,939 others

indycar_updates whether you know her from her career in F1 or as Pato O'Ward's girlfriend, a familiar face has been spotted in the paddock

tagged no one

user1 OMG OMG OMG

user2 THEY'RE BACK TOGETHER FINALLY

user3 its a great day or annoying people

user4 she looks so good!!

user5 i love that she has no papaya

user6 shes loyal to rb

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arrowmclaren

liked by ynln, user54, user2, and 928,293 others

arrowmclaren it was an honor to host our Mclaren buddies (and of course of fav Red Bull gets a shout out 😍)!!

tagged oscarpiastri, landonorris, ynln

elbaoward @/ynln you look so cute

ynln I'd be nowhere without your style guidance

redbullracing we lost our girl to the orange team

arrowmclaren its papaya actually

ynln dont fight, this isnt you admin

oscarpiastri thank you for the warm hospitality!

landonorris what a great weekend!

user1 welp looks like girlie came across some merch

user2 we lost her 😔

user3 ok ok but like thats Pato's personal jacket, not just some merch

user2 nevermind them i can be ok with this

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ynln

liked by maxverstappen1, patriciooward, user66, and 902,292 others

ynln you look so good in papaya baby 🧡

tagged: patriciooward

redbullracing come home the kids miss you

ynln otw admin 🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️

patriciooward ditto 😉🧡

ynln the only time I will ever be seen

elbaoward hands a little low 🤨

ynln heard loud and clear, won't happen again 🫡

user1 I love that she didnt post a single pic of herself in Mclaren merch/colors

user2 pr dream

user3 I love the first pic

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patriciooward

liked by ynln, oscarpiastri, landonorris, and 928,203 others

patriciooward great results+great company=perfect weekend 🧡🤍

tagged arrowmclaren, ynln, oscarpiastri, landonorris

ynln wonderful race!! I love you

patriciooward thank you for the support! I love you too

landonorris great race!

oscarpiastri it was wonderful meeting you!

arrowmclaren we agree, great company 😁

user1 Im beginning to think Mclaren photoshopped their photo of her, because Y/n hasn't been seen in papaya since 💀

user2 the second photo hand placement 🫠🫠

user3 my fav Mclaren boys all in one place

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ynln

liked by danielriccardo, elbaoward, user94, and 929,0292 others

ynln who doesn't love watching your best friends get married??

tagged patriciooward

patriciooward gorgeous girl 🤍

ynln pretty boy 🤍

user1 ugh they are so attractive

user2 im gonna cry the way he's looking at her in the second pic

user3 so when will y'all attend your own wedding??

user4 fr

elbaoward I second this

ynln LMAO ELBA GET OUT

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patriciooward posted a story!

caption: be my forever wedding date? @/ynln

replies

ynln

anytime baby 🤍

Time Skip

patriciooward

liked by elbaoward, user54, landonorris, and 829,292 others

patriciooward what a season! Thank you @/arrowmclaren for everything!

tagged arrowmclaren, ynln

ynln so so so proud!!!!

patriciooward 🤍

arrowmclaren can't wait for next year 👏👏

patriciooward right back at you!!

user1 next years champion- I can smell it

user2 lets go Pato!!!

user3 ugh this man is too fine

user4 that middle picture is actual goals

user5 my fav couple fr fr

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ynln

liked by elbaoward, user43, user92, and 928,029 others

ynln IndyCar, what a season

tagged: patriciooward

ynln alternate caption: save a horse

user1 LMAO Y/N

danielriccardo im blocking you

maxverstappen1 how would admin feel about this

pactriciooward 🤠

pactriciooward thank you for being here for it, near and far 🤍

ynln 🤍🤍

user2 that last photo ma'am 😫

user3 omg their captions match

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ynln

liked by danielriccardo, yukitsunoda0511, user25, and 981, 918 others

ynln last moments of peace before its back to work

tagged patriciooward

redbullracing we hope you enjoyed it!!🏕️

Patriciooward unplug and unwind

user1 awww Norbi

User2 I love this!!

User3 this is such a them thing to do

user4 right only Yn and Pato would go camping with his dog on a off week

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patriciooward posted a story!

caption 🤍🤍, 🎶 Keep Driving by Harry Styles

Replies

User1

Orange backpack?? We caught her

User2

Enjoy offseason!!

User3

please travel with Y/n to f1 stuff!!!

f1_updates

liked by user82, user91, user 9, and 718,828 others

f1_updates: Pato O'Ward, Y/n L/n's boyfriend and Arrow Mclaren Driver, has posted several stories proving rumors he's in the paddock today dressed in Red Bull Blue...

tagged no one

User1 please not the selfie in the hospitality bathroom

User2 he may have blue on but we all see the nods to McLaren

user3 they’re both so stubborn abt their teams 💀

user4 OMG OMG OMG

user5 they are literally couple goals

User6 if he wanted to he would

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ynln

liked by user3, danielriccardo, redbullracing, and 918,992 others

ynln the best company in the paddock this week! So happy to get P4, but rest assured I'll come back stronger next time

tagged redbullracing, patriciooward

user1 the last pic HELLO???

user2 they’re too cute

lilmhe glasses Y/n is too cute

Ynln love you lils 🫶🫶

Patriciooward 🤍

Ynln 🤍

user3 such good driving this weekend!!

user4 podium next week??

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patriciooward

liked by Ynln, user42, arrowmclaren, and 982,992 others

patriciooward in a sea of blue I'll bring the papaya

Tagged Ynln, redbullracing

Ynln can’t take the McLaren out of the boy

patriciooward sorry not sorry babe!

redbullracing after our hospitality?? Were hurt

arrowmclaren @/mclaren we’ve trained him well

landonorris right on mate

user1 only Pato

user2 I swear 💀

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Time Skip

ynln and patriciooward

liked by danielriccardo, landonorris, elbaoward, and 918,929 others

ynln 10.13.24

tagged no one

elbaoward my favorites!! I love you guys ❤️❤️

danielriccardo best night ever!

landonorris beautiful couple!!

User1 welp we now know where they’ve been

User2 STOP THEY GOT MARRIED

user3 this was not on my 2024 bingo card

user4 im gonna cry

user5 you know this was a party between all the F1 and indycar drivers 😭

user6 Y/n IS the life of the party

user7 what a power couple

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[drvscarlett]

About You Pt 13

Sebastian Vettel x Webber!Reader

Summary: Everyone knows about the history of Sebastian Vettel and Mark Webber. But there's a well kept story within the paddock about Sebastian Vettel and another Webber. This is that story.

About You Series

A/N: I am so sorry for the long hiatus because my laptop died and I have to get it fixed. About You will be in consistent updates starting next week every Wednesday and Thursday. I am actually planning to extend the chapters of About You up to Chap 18 because I messed up the pacing. I hope you enjoy this and let me know your thoughts

Taglist: @spideybv28@randomcuboidshape @mehrmonga @casperlikej @cliosunshine @honethatty12 @randomgirlnumber-13 @sugyomama @ririyulife @skywalker1dream @vicurious28 @khaylin27 @0710khj @its-elias-world @vizzzashley @allisonwoods @taytaylala12 @miarabanana @ceciii-b @lindsayjoy444 @mploopssek @snakelore @toldyouitwasamelodrama @lordpercevalcharles

2013, Marina Bay Street Circuit

Sebastian was on an all-time high, he was winning on and off tracks. The championship was within his reach with each race he wins and his personal life is flourishing. He had felt the championship euphoria before but being in that podium and seeing Y/N proudly looking at him from below is something else.

Despite the energy burst, he opted to stay out of the Singapore night life and return to his hotel room. He didn't feel like mingling in sweaty clubs or the taste of intoxicating drinks tonight. Besides, he has a dinner at a skyline restaurant with a very beautiful girl so he has to change quickly.

Whistling down a happy tune as he texts a message to Y/N. There was nothing in this world that could ever ruin his happiness and that was a word spoken to soon.

When he turns the corner, there was someone that Sebastian didn't want to see.

"Oh Sebastian, thank God. I have to speak to you and its really important-"

"Hanna? What are you doing here?"

Sebastian's voice was mixed with confusion and anger. The past few meetings with Hanna was not a good memory for Sebastian and he could only feel as if trouble follows whenever he meets her.

"Are you stalking me?"the driver asked

The woman in front of him went red in embarrassment. She could understand why Sebastian would think that way but she was in a desperate attempt to talk to him.

"I know this looks bad but I had a friend here who told me where you would be staying and I needed to talk to you. I wouldn't have done this if it wasn't important"Hanna rambled.

"Didn't I make myself clear last time that Hanna I do not return any feelings for you and I'm really sorry if you thought a relationship could blossom between us because its never going to happen"Sebastian stated.

It would be a lie if Sebastian didn't notice how Hanna winced by the directness of his voice but he has to keep his boundaries. He doesn't want anything more to jeopardize what he is working on with Y/N. He will not be a man that will be unfaithful to her.

"But Sebastian, you have to listen. This is something big and this is something that I can't do alone"Hanna was begging.

"I'm sorry Hanna but whatever that is, I'm sorry but I couldn't be of any help"Sebastian ended the conversation.

He passed her by and shut the door in front of her. It was painful for Sebastian to hear the cries of his once childhood friend at the other side of the door but she has to learn that Sebastian cannot return her feelings back.

"You're not even listening to me Seb. You didn't even give me a chance to tell you about us"Hanna thought silently cradling the bump on her stomach.

2013, Suzuka Circuit

It was Y/N's dream to go to Universals Studio Japan to see the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. She mentioned this a couple of times but due to the distance between the circuit and Osaka, she always missed the opportunity.

"I still can't believe that you are taking me to Harry Potter"Y/N squealed, excitement was evident on her face.

"We still have a long way to go, they told me its a 2 hour drive" Sebastian noted "You can still grab some sleep"

"I should be the one telling you that, you just finished driving for the weekend and now you are driving at an ungodly hour of 7 in the morning"Y/N voices her concern "Don't you ever get tired of driving?"

"For you? Never"

Sebastian's hand found its way to Y/N's and he placed a gentle kiss. His eyes were still focused on driving and the road but he could see in the mirror the red tint on her cheeks.

For some it would be tiring to go on long drives. Sebastian thinks otherwise, he feels like he is the luckiest man alive to be able to go for long drives when she is at the passenger side.

"Do you have a list of which part of the Harry Potter world are we going first?" Sebastian wondered.

"Well maybe we could go and get some of those butterbeers and then we can explore the whole park. I wanted to try that rollercoaster that looks like Hagrid's bike and then the castle. I also want to buy some candies for Mick"Y/N listed down.

She looked up from her phone and she felt like she was being selfish not asking Sebastian about what he wanted to do. She wanted to do a face palm.

"That is if its alright with you? Maybe you want to go somewhere specific in Universals?"Y/N offered.

"Oh no, its alright. I'm good wherever you are happy. This is your day and I want you to enjoy the whole Harry Potter experience"Sebastian insisted.

Y/N thought he couldn't love Sebastian even more but she just did. She knew how Sebastian was not that big of a fan of Harry Potter, he didn't even know the names of the golden trio in the beginning. He just started to get into it because she was rambling all the time about it.

"Speaking of the Harry Potter experience, you can check the backseat because I believe there is a surprise for you there"Sebastian chuckles.

At the backseat, Y/N found two boxes. One has her name on it with a big black bow ribbon while the other had a scribbled vettel on it. She picked it up confused to what is Sebastian plotting now.

"Since when did you get all fancy?"

"I asked my Mom about it"Sebastian admits "Go and open it"

Once the bows were untied and the lid was lifted, there was a rustle of wrapping paper. Y/N couldn't believe her eyes upon seeing the emblem on the cloth.

"You got me robes?"Y/N can cry "And you got my house right!"

Sebastian will admit that he researched a couple of days ago about how to make this experience really special. Some said that the school robes was a good outfit to make the person feel like they are attending Hogwarts. He made some few calls here and there then tada he acquired some of the Hogwarts robes just like what was seen in the movies.

"So did you get a Slytherin robe?"Y/N asked, she often teased Sebastian that he could be F1's Draco Malfoy.

"Well I think I had to surrender, my Pottermore results said that I was a Slytherin"

"You took a Pottermore quiz and you didn't tell me right away?"

2013, Buddh International Circuit

The Taj Mahal looks exquisite with the sun setting at the back of it. Everyone was on their phones or their cameras to capture the moment but Y/N prefers sitting at one of the benches and preserving it in her head. There was something really peaceful to just live in the moment but she doesn't blame if people wanted something physical to commemorate this moment.

Maybe Y/N wanted to savor this moment of peace because by tomorrow she will be back in the paddock with all the different noises. She knows that there will be a lot of questions in the next few days following Mark's decision of leaving Formula 1.

She did not blame Mark, she understands that he has been doing this for quite some time now and he was bound to be burned out. She has also been thinking about retiring from this job but that would be happening in a few more years. The thought of retiring scares her because her life basically revolved around Formula 1. There was this idea that maybe if she doesn't have a job here then maybe she will lose everything that she have right now.

A heavy sigh escapes her mouth as she zoned out once more with the view.

"Mind if I join you?"

Y/N looked up and she saw the familiar grin of Sebastian Vettel. She gave a nod and gestured at the empty space at the bench.

"How did you know I was here?"Y/N asked.

"I didn't. We are doing some team video and then I spotted you here then I went ahead to say hello"Sebastian grins.

From behind Sebastian, she sees a filming crew at a distance. They seem to be distracted with Mark and the reserve driver Sebastien Buemi. Y/N acknowledges it with a smile then she proceeded to looking at the scenic view in front of her.

"You know when they told me about the Taj Mahal, I got reminded of us"Sebastian opened up "The two met when they were young and its love at first sight then they got married"

The thought of the very first time that Y/N saw Sebastian and the first time they talked to each other, crossed her mind. It seems like it was just yesterday but its been a really really long while now.

"And I don't believe in coincidences, I think some things are meant to happen"Sebastian stated "When I saw you here, I was given the sign of the universe and maybe a sign from Taj Mahal that its really you that I would like to spend the rest of my days with"

Y/N felt overwhelmed by the direct confession. This was usually how Sebastian is, he was very vocal about his feelings but the implication in his tone is different. Y/N felt like they are moving a bit too fast but maybe she doesn't mind at all.

A small box was placed in her hand.

"This was my Mother's. I carried it around with me since we started to tell each other how we feel. I am not asking you to marry me but I just wanted you to have it because someday I'm planning to marry you."Sebastian concludes.

"Seb, I can't.. This is too much" she was speechless.

"There is no other woman that I see myself ending up with" Sebastian insist "Its yours just like how my heart is also yours"

The silver band with a pearl in the middle stares at her. She ponders about it even after Sebastian left her side. This was technically not a marriage proposal but rather a promise ring.

She prayed for a sign in the weekends whether she deserves to place it on her finger or not.

Needless to say, it was a very eventful weekend for Sebastian. He crossed the finish line with a World Championship. Even after winning all these years, he was still amazed by the winning feeling.

The crowd chants his name as he shows his praises to his winning car. He managed to find his way to the podium with the congratulations littering everywhere he go and every face was a blur.

However, he had to do a double take as he saw Y/N on the barrier. She was wearing a proud grin and pointing at something in her finger. Sebastian didn't have to be a genius to recognize the familiar ring on her finger.

It was a memorable weekend.

 2013, Yas Marina Circuit

It was rare that Y/N gets to hang out with girls. Being surrounded by a lot of male bravado and testosterones can be a little too much which is why when there is an opportunity for her to meet another girl friend then she will make time.

Post qualifying sessions was a good opportunity as Jenson chooses to rest while the Red Bull boys are stuck in strategy meetings. Therefore, this was Y/N's window time to accommodate Hanna's request for dinner.

She couldn't wait to tell Hanna about the recent happenings with Sebastian or the latest gossip in the paddock. She was pretty sure that she might shock Hanna with the development of her love life. However Y/N was the one with a jaw drop when Hanna waddled in with a pregnant bump.

"Oh my God Hanna! Why didn't you tell me your pregnant?"Y/N was shocked "Are you okay or are you tired? Did you need to sit down?"

Hanna gives a weak smile, "just a little water"

"Of course,here. Sit sit."Y/N fuzzed "If I had known you were pregnant then I would have made reservations closer to your hotel"

"Y/N you're already treating me dinner"Hanna said

"I should be because I think I have been late in congratulating your little one"Y/N replied.

Hanna held her bump protectively. She was suddenly reminded the reason why she asked to meet Y/N. She was doing this to help her little one because she cannot afford that her child will grow up miserable.

"How far along are you?"Y/N wondered.

"About six… six months"there was an unease in Hanna's tone.

Hanna knows what she did and she knows what she is about to do. It plagues her mind how she could wipe the smile Y/N has right now with the bombshell of news that she has. Hanna blanks out as Y/N ramble about how she is so happy for her and the guilty feeling sinks even further.

"Y/N I have to talk to you"Hanna cuts her off.

It was better to rip the Band-Aid early than prolonging the agony.

"Oh we can talk later,lets get you some food first"Y/N dismissed. "I don't want you or your little one getting hungry."

The way that Y/N cares so much about Hanna makes the pregnant woman even more uneasy. Hanna noted how Y/N was so caring in asking her preference and she wonders if she would still be like that if she finally learns the truth.

Dinner went on smoothly with their chitchats of how life has been and how they are dealing with the changes. As time goes on, Hanna felt the gnawing guilt eating her even more which is why the minute the tables were cleared and the desserts were out, it was now time.

"I really need to talk to you about this Y/N"Hanna gestured at the bump.

There was a glee in Y/N's eyes, maybe she was thinking that Hanna is making her a godparent. Hanna tried her best to avoid her eyes because she cannot handle when her eyes starts crying.

"Now what do you want to talk about?"Y/N questioned.

"Im pregnant Y/N"it was now or never for Hanna.

If she could just change how things were then she wouldn't have been so stupid. She wouldn't have been in this situation right now and she wouldn't lose such a great friend like Y/N. However, this was a consequence of her selfish actions and now she will pay for it.

"I am well aware of that Hanna"Y/N grinned "and congratulations by the way. You should totally let me help you find some cute baby stuffs and-"

"The father is Seb"

[absolutebl]

This Week in BL - Gangsters Win

Organized, in each category, by ones I'm enjoying most at the top. Delayed October reviews included this week! (Still traveling but now in home territory and familiar hotels.)

Nov 2023 Wk 2

Ongoing Series - Thai

My Dear Gangster Oppa (Thurs iQIYI) 2 of 8 - GIVING ME LIFE. How dare they be this… this... Just. How dare!

Twins the series (Fri GaGa) ep 1 of 10 - I have been waiting for another truly sports centered BL since HIStory 2: CTL. This is nowhere near as good, but I don’t care. It’s great pulp and Sprite is a fab central character. I've realized that I love the pulps most when they’re ridiculously soapy (identical twins identity trope for sport’s fuck’s sake) but ERNEST about it (not campy). This one is taking itself seriously and it's so cute that it's trying so hard. Good little pulp. Dee mar.

Dangerous Romance (Fri YT) ep 12fin - was it me or did this show kinda flag on you too?

Poor, struggling Sailom is forced to tutor his bully, Kang, and they fall for each other despite circumstances. I loved it for the first 4 eps, liked it for the middle 4, and then kinda lost interest. I think it's because the focus shifted from Sailom to Kang, and I just find a disenfranchised character more interesting than the poor little rich kid archetype. Ultimately the script waffled and failed these actors - the leads and sides were solid, and support cast on point. 8/10 pretty standard 2023 GMMTV fair

Absolute Zero (Thai Weds iQIYI) ep 6 of 12 - It’s sort of a paradox of emotions not just time. It remains sad and I remain wary. 

My Universe (Sun iQIYI) The Camp Fire ep 11 of 24 - Launched with an argument over rude pronouns and mistaken identity. Highlights the joy of camping. Ugh. I don't think this one is for me despite the pair.

Venus in the Sky (Tues iQIYI) ep 10fin - NO SINGING. I can't believe they brought in rando SIDEs just to sing! WHHHHYYYYY? Sigh.

An indifferent pulp with indifferent acting and poor chemistry (despite high heat) based on the reunion romance trope that was just... so... slow... It wasn’t entirely a waste of time but I can’t in good faith recommend it. unless you have a very high tolerance for Thai pulps and ultra tsundere characters. 5/10 ONLY WATCH IF YOU'VE NOTHING BETTER TO DO

Ongoing Series - Not Thai

Kiseki: Dear to Me (Taiwan Tues Viki & iQIYI) ep 12 of 13 - I don’t mean to be rude because you know I love the main couple in the show, but they are simply being out acted by the sides. They are so damn good. Ai Di and his dumb oversized sweaters and flappy flappy sleeves is EVERYTHING.

Bump Up Business (Korea Gaga) 5-6 of 8 - More language negotiation, so of course I like it. I also like that they openly let Eden admit to a crush on a boy. I like this whole thing way more than I should. Save me from myself?

You Are Mine (Taiwan Fri Viki) eps 9 of 10 - I don’t understand why baby boy is trying to escape so badly. (Except for plot reasons.) Running of the gays! Look at you Taiwan stealing Japan’s favorite trope. This show is fun but it’s a bag of tropes held together with some very thin fraying mesh plot. 

If It’s With You AKA Even If I Fall In Love With You AKA Kimi to nara Koi wo Shite Mite mo’ (Japan Gaga) ep 5fin - The leads are so painfully cute portraying a softly simple story of teen first love. This was a nice little piece with an early yaoi feel that come off as brief, as if it were meant to be a short story that had been extended into a series. Sweet but ultimately rather forgettable. 7/10  

Mr Cinderella 2 (Vietnam Sat YT) ep 6-7 of ? - yeah I forgot to watch again, I may be dnfing this by accident.

It's Airing But...

I Cannot Reach You AKA I Can't Reach You AKA Kimi ni wa Todokanai (Japan Tues Netflix-Japan & ????) - in classic JBL fashion, I Cannot Reach You could not be reached. It looks good though so I mgiht put some effort into finding it grey.

Look at Japan dropping all the tropes in on scene: rooftop, kabedon, hand hold.

SHADOW (Thai Gaga) 1-7 of 14 - this is a horror BL with ghosts & paranormal elements in a boarding school setting. I'm not wild about Thai horror (or horror at all). It features Singto (who did paranormal BL He's Coming to Me) opposite Fluke N (who's done a couple horror's before). Also Fiat. Dan suffers from sleep paralysis, and in his dreams he sees a shadow that suffocates him. It gets worse when he transfers schools. I'm holding off on this one and if told it's good I'll binge watch.

What Did You Eat Yesterday Season 2 AKA Kinou Nani Tabeta? Season 2 (Japan Gaga) ep 1 of 10 - I find this series more fun to binge, so I'm waiting until it completes its run.

One Room Angel (Japan Gaga) - adaptation of Harada’s manga of the same name (which I did not like) about a convenience store clerk who's stabbed, nearly dies, and returns home to find an angel waiting for him. With only 5 eps and a good chance this won’t end happy, I'm gonna wait and let you tell me how it goes.

Can I Buy Your Love From A Vending Machine? AKA Sono Koi, Jihanki de Kaemasu ka? (Japan cinema release in-country only) - This one is a movie from Japan so in customary fashion who tf knows when (or if) it will get international distribution. Salaryman Ayumu Koiwai just can't tear his eyes away from the strong, muscular man as he checks on the stocks of the vending machine in his office. I did some hunting but only found the manga, so I'm marking it cnf and moving on with life. This will be its last appearance on the weekly update.

I Finished It!

Love in Translation (iQIYI) ep 8 - solid ending, man these two are a great pairing.

A sweet little pulp about a Thai boy with a crush on a Chinese influencer who ends up in a business relationship with her ex-bf. This show had truly great chemistry between the leads, cute found family with good rep, and an exciting (if silly) ending that almost, but didn't quite, make up for how incredibly annoying the main character was in the first half. Gotta say the make-out scene in the convenience store is one of the greatest in Thai BL, tho. 6/10 DEF WORTH WATCHING BUT FLAWED

I Feel You Linger in the Air (grey) ep 8 of 12 - so that was A THING. I did a seriously extensive deep dive analysis, historical & linguistic extras, and review here.

I truly loved this time travel romance. IFYLITA is an exquisite BL, from filming techniques to narrative framework (much like Until We Meet Again). Steeped in history and family drama it edges into lakorn (but no as much as To Sir With Love and with way less scenery chewing). This is an elegant and classy BL… from Thailand which normally doesn't even try for classy. The main couple (both as a pair and individuals) were excellent, particularly Bright (Yai) whose eye-work acting style is a personal favorite of mine. Pity about the ending. Oh it wasn’t that sad but it wasn’t good either. This show should easily have earned a 10 from me except that it fumbled the… erm… balls. Argh. Whatever. 9/10

Only Friends (YT) ep 11-12 - What can I say, this wasn't my thing, it was never gonna be, and I didn't like it. Basically Thailand did the L-Word but with branded BL pairs and the only agenda seemed to be slut shaming and making sure those pairs stayed healthy and sponsor ready. Consequently, the pairs were all executing well and to the best of their ability (of course) but all other characters got shafted, both in the good and the worst possible ways. Unrated but if falls somewhere between 5 (hot mess) and 3 (what am I doing with my life?)

Next Week Looks Like This

11/10 Middleman’s Love (Thai Fri Mandee's YT & iQIYI 1 of 8? - TutorYim (brand pair origin = Cutie Pie) with side couple KingUea (Bed Friends) from Domundi trailer here. This used to be a JimmyTommy vehicle before the pair split (also prev title Middle Love). Adapted from a Y-novel. Jade works as a graphic designer and has always been stuck in the middle - average. His heart is hardened after a life spent being overlooked because he is not as charming or good looking as the rest of his family or friends. When his office gets a hot new intern, Mai, Jade assumes Mai couldn’t possibly be intersted in him. Mai, of course, has other ideas. Warning this is a Cheewin comedy so tonally it could be very OFF, but the cast is solid, and I have liked his stuff on occasion.

11/10 Last Twilight (Thai Fri YouTube) - JimmySea are bakc and maybe it's good this time? I dont' know, GMMTV isn't doing great right now. Burdened with heavy debt, Mork, a mechanic, is forced to take a high paying job as a caretaker for Day, a rich heir who suffers from partial blindness after an accident. Day recruits Mork as he realizes the latter does not see him as a disabled person, but rather as co-equals. As they spend time together, the two begin developing feelings for the other. However with Day just having 180 days until he becomes permanently blind, how will the two weather the trials ahead?Upcoming November BL

11/11 Beyond The Star (Weds iQIYI) qp 1 of 8 - Looks like House of Stars meets Boyband. I am not excited.

Upcoming in November

11/16 PLAYBOYY (Thurs ????) ?? eps - trailer here, high heat and it's helmed by Cheewin (shudder) with screenplay by Den (Only Friends) under Copy A Bangkok. It's gonna be a shizz show people. It's predicting Thai style "dark" (War of Y) one of my least favorites. Apparently there is a "plot" but when has Cheewin ever bothered with plot? A university kid who was involved with escorts, sex-trade, porn, online hook-ups, drugs, prostitution, blackmail, revenge, and so forth goes missing. His twin (sigh) and two friends look for him.

11/17 Pit Babe (Fri iQIYI) ep 1 of 14 - high heat teaser here, based on alittlebixth's omegaverse novel #พิษเบ๊บ’ set in the world of car racing (author says show will not be omegaverse). Charlie (fresh face), a young hot nerd, approaches his driver idol (Pavel "my love" 2 Moons 2) to borrow a racing car and win one for the team. Production house is new to BL but behind the Club Friday stuff. Show stars many known actors: Nut (Oxygen), Pop (Ram in La Cuisine), Pon (Phai in Gen Y, we LOVE him), Benz (twins in En of Love: This Is Love Story).

11/19 Bake Me Please (Sun Gaga) ep 1 of 6 - trailer here, stars Ohm (of OhmFluke) opposite Guide (bestie from IFYLITA) and possibly also Poom (well known, but not for BL). This looks like an actually gay version of Antique Bakery (play it again, BL). Still, I'm intrigued, it looks HELLA pretty.

11/22 7 Days Before Valentine (Weds ????) ep 1 of 10 - trailer here, horror-esk. Adapted from y-novel of the same name, directed by Tu (180 Degree) stars Jet (Why You… Y Me?). When you want your old love again, but fate sends you a reaper instead. All he can do for you is kill people. I'll likely give this a pass and wait to binge later. I'm planning to try SHADOW and I can only handle one Thai horror at a time.

11/25 The Sign (Sat ????) ep 1 of 10 - trailer here, horror-esk, but with a suspense and adult characters. Special investigators who loved each other in previous lives reunite with their new bodies, stars Billy Patchanon (BillySeng) & Babe Tanatat (new). Includes other SCOY favorites as a special investigation team. I may give this a try because I like the non-horror bits.

11/26 The Whisperer (Sun ????) 1 of 10 - trailer here. Thai horror BL that ALSO involves cheating (what joy is mine). He has dimples (My Ride) but I don't think even that gives me the will. Maybe a binge for me.

11/26 Cooking Crush (Sun YT) 1 of 12 - OffGun are back, trailer here. Adapted from the novel “Love Course! เสื้อกาวน์รุกเสื้อกุ๊กรับ” by iJune4S this is about Prem who runs a not-so-popular restaurant with 2 friends. About to go on a cooking competition with a huge reward, Prem gets involved with Ten, a stressed-out med student who wants Prem to teach him to cook.

11/30 For Him (Thurs ????) ep 1 of 10 - high heat trailer, I suspect iQIYI will scoop this one up. From the people who brought us Unforgotten Night (please no) based on a y-novel, man nursing a heartbreak has a one-night stand, but the other boy didn't want it to end. It looks terribly trashy so I'm in! Maybe I'll do a trash watch?

VIP Only (Taiwan) - may be delayed/canceled

Wuju Bakery AKA Space Bakery (Korea) - this one may be DOA

A Breeze of Love (Korea) - I know less than nothing about this.

Nov 2023 line up with screen caps here. Not kept updated.

Original 2023 forthcoming BL master post (see comments, some are inaccurate, NOT KEPT UPDATED).

THIS WEEK’S BEST MOMENTS

Yang's little smile! Argh. (Love in Translation)

This is our mean and grumpy gagster character talking about playing in game support roles. It's fucking adorable. Such a nasty criminal. (My Dear Gangster Oppa)

(Last week)

[tommystummy]

I am now knee deep into the possibility of buddietommyshannon. Tommy and Shannon obviously don't have romantic feelings for each other/fuck but they're so fucking in love with those two codependent idiots and they all just fit together like pieces of a puzzle. Tommy completes them!

They’ve been throupled for years at this point. Shannon has heard Chris, 13 now, thirteen, say many times still cannot believe the way to make his parents stay together was for both of them to date some other guy, but they’ve all come to terms with all of this years ago. Buck, for all he used to be just an exciting fuck for Shannon, is actually a good stepfather. Chris adores that man to death and beyond, and Shannon loves that about him. For all their fuckups, Buck has become the stabilizing force they all needed. Moving back in with Eddie was easy, adding Buck to that was easier still, and now, 4 years on, they sit at their dinner table, Chris was excused to go play his video games (head phones in of course, Eddie hates the sound of those damn games) and the three of them are having easy, smooth conversation when, slowly, like they’re planning something, that Tommy guy comes up again.

There was this disaster involving a cruise ship or something last month and Buck and Eddie have been hanging out with this other firefighter more and like she’s glad they have friends outside the station for once but this feels… like something else. Apparently he’s gay. Apparently he’s single. Apparently these things are supposed to matter to Shannon

“Baby, if you’d seen him you’d get it he’s hot as fuck.” That perks her up.

“Buck! Darling,” Darling was The Buck Word. Whenever Buck became Darling and she became Baby, Eddie was serious “be sensitive. It’s not that we’re unsatisfied we’re just… curious.”

“Curious about what exactly?” She knows. But if they’re about to suggest what she thinks they are they’re gonna have to say it.

“We wanna fuck him so bad but.” But you can’t be there because he’s Kinsey 6 gay, Shannon can read between the lines and Buck has been an open book since the first night she dared him to kiss Eddie.

“I have got to see this fucker for myself.”

“Babe he is SO hot.” Buck reiterates. Buck has always been vocal about who he wants and how he wants them. It made the transitional stages of their relationship, first as just Buck and his best friend’s estranged wife who he’s fucking then as Buck and the married couple he was sleeping with and then finally as them so much easier because Buck told them everything he was looking for and Shannon parsed that out to Eddie and Eddie decided if he was willing to take the risk.

“There’s a medal ceremony in two weeks. You can be Buck’s plus one” Eddie is shifting in his chair. He wants this too. It’s rare to ever see Eddie express desire for someone outside of her or Buck, that makes this interesting.

“And I’ll decide if he’s worth it.” She enjoys making Eddie squirm, always has and now she has to sate her own curiosity about this mystery man.

“Thank you babe.” Buck jumps out of his seat to kiss her. “We’ll tell you all about it. Uh. If it happens. Promise.”

[factual-fantasy]

26 ASKS! THANKS EVERYONE! 🥰✨

Me too man. But my mental and physical health is kind'a tanking atm. I just don't have the energy to pick up a passion project of that scale right now..

If you're patient and stick around though, we're bound to see more of my FNAF security breach AU someday.. Once I can get on top of all this crap I'm dealing with-

I AM restingggg 😫 I haven't left my home for any significant amount of time for like 3 weeks- I cant rest any harder! XD

@beryl-shade

Google seems to suggest that an oreo cookie character already exists. "Prime Oreo Cookie" I believe..? :0

@solst1ce-sketches (In response to this post(?))

:DD Thank you! I'm glad you like him!! :}}

:}

(First repair guy) (Second repair guy)

They are different repair guys, and they both do not have a name.. 😔

@lobitowhiteeliaz

Not quite sure what you're asking.. so I'll just answer in multiple ways!

My favorite movies of all time are Pixars cars 1 and 3. I cannot watch either without crying 😭 they are my absolute favorites and I hold them very close to my soul 💖

Still to this day, even after all this time, Gravity Falls is my top favorite show. Despite all the cringe I made for it back in the day- it still holds up as my most beloved show I've ever drawn about.

As for fandom, like the people? I thiiiink the FNAF fandom was my favorite to interact with..? I remember a lot of interaction with the fans in general, which meant a lot to me :)

Bibi and Cici are just odd little critters XD though Bibi is very cat-like in nature and Cici is based on a mouse :0

I'm not sure how they feel about being dolls. I'd assume they don't really mind it! XD

Not sure what you mean but I assume you're right XDD

@something3706

Thank you! Though I don't take requests, sorry!

She is indeed a kid, but that's becuase all I had to go off of was her info picture and fanart I saw of her. For some reason a lot of art I saw of Sally depicted her as this total gremlin character that's always getting into trouble.

So I thought hey! Why not make it so she fell to "Earth" as a little tot and was raised by Poppy? In present day she could be like 13-15 and her chaotic energy would make sense and be fun to mess with!

Though after watching GTlive do a vid on the Halloween update, I realize that I wrote her personality completely wrong. Sooo I miiight need to rework her entire story and character- whoops! <XDD

Considering Sally is gonna need some restructuring, I'm not sure where Poppy stands atm-- <:DD

@fawncr33k

I saw your comment on a post that shows you now know the answer to this- but just to clarify it for everyone else!-

Octo and Seafoam are not gay, nor a couple. Seafoam's heart belongs to Blue Beauty! Him and Octo are just friends/brothers.

Also thank you! :DD I'm honored!

@neo-metalscottic (Post in question)

AAAA Thank you!! :DD I've very glad you like them! :D And I'm not sure how a meeting with the pirates and cowboys would go.. its funny though becuase a lot of Canned Tuna's design was copied from Canned Beans cookie. Even the name! So if they ever met maybe they'd have a stand off XDD

I haven't thought much about how the Captain would react.. maybe the Vegimals are something he just cant wrap his head around and chooses not to talk about it XDD

BUT CALICO JACK!! SEEING VEGIMALS BEFORE?? WHY HAVEN'T I THOUGHT OF THAT!! The Vegimals could be these huge fish creatures when they grow old! And Jack could have SEEN ONE/HEARD OF THEM BEFORE!! Why didn't I think of that?? XDD I'll have to draw something like that sometime!!

@yourstrulylightstar283

Thank you so much!! :D My favorite Donkey Kong game has to be the only one I've ever played, the original Donkey Kong Country!

I also loved Diddy Kong racing, though I see that it doesn't count <XD

@astaherussy

I've heard of Hazbin Hotel, and Helluva boss. I saw the Hazbin pilot ages ago and have seen some episodes of Helluva.. Though they're not really my taste.. <:/

@badlyblurry (Post in question)

:D Thank you! Now I didn't really do any proper research after the fact so I hope the Octonauts info is accurate! <XDD

THANK YOU!!! :DDD

@djh4l0v3rv3r

I think Poppy Playtime it pretty neat! Though I haven't seen a playthrough of chapter 3 yet so I haven't formed an opinion on the smiling critters. :0 Other than their smiles are WAY too big and creepy XDDD

Holy cow.. what a crazy read! I'm not much of a gamer myself but I have GOT to watch somebody play this! :00 Thank you for the info! :D

@raptor1312

WAIT THIS GAME WAS ON THE WII?? I was thinking it was a fangame made for PC??? Like on steam?? ITS A LEGIT RELEASE?? WHAT???

(Post in question)

It was sooooo much tedious coloringggg... 💀💀 Worth it tho XDD

(Post in question)

AAAA IM GLAD YOU NOTICED!! :DD

@shaziztrazh

AWWWW!! HOW COOL!! I love the mermaid approach!! :DD SO PREBBY!!! ✨🤩✨🥥✨

Also thank you so much!! :DDD

(Post in question)

XDD Turns out ditto is my spirit Pokémon-

@nunyabusiness459

AAAA I'm so glad you're interested in him! Uuuunfortunately,, looking back it seems the only artwork I have of Melvin is just a bunch of strange angst for no good reason-

So I'm afraid I don't really have any artwork to share,, and most of the story has already been told.. but this ask makes me want to come back to Melvin sometime! Maybe expand on his story more, or just draw him again in general!

So thank you for the ask/interest, perhaps we'll see more of Melvin someday! :D

[briebysabs]

I have to talk about Misha I’ve been holding this for so long. I am not defending him, everything he’s done is fucked up. I just want people to understand him better and idk how coherent this will be but HSVDVXHSBSJJDF

Bc if you hate him, totally justified. But I don’t want Misha to ever be simplified to the jealous crazy younger brother. Yes he is technically that but one thing about mochijun characters is that most of the time, you can always dig further into their psyche. And I feel like not enough people do that with Misha. I haven’t made an in-depth Misha discussion until now mostly bc I’m a potato. He isn’t 2-dimensional and he fits perfectly in the themes of vnc. Misha cannot be saved, he is a hopeless character, he bears Luna’s Mark while using the Book he is doomed. You can say he was doomed the second he entered the story. His brotherly love for Vanitas is twisted. He is the embodiment of tragic. Everything that led him to this point was not his fault. The only thing he chose was to follow Luna and join their clan bc he would’ve died otherwise. Luna and Vanitas are the only good things he ever had.

We all know his backstory. So of course losing both would make him snap. And on top of all this he’s being manipulated by Teacher. Who fucking knows the lies or orders Teacher has been feeding him. All this when he’s like 12....13 at most.

And let’s approach the vanoé situation. We know the depth of vanoé’s relationship and even though Misha might’ve observed from afar, he doesn’t have that context. To be fair he probably wouldn’t care but point is, he sees Noé as some random guy. And again, let’s withdraw ourselves a bit and see things from the outside. How much time has passed since chapter 1? How long has Vanitas and Noé actually known each other? We know that a couple weeks passed since the end of the Gevaudan arc. We know that a week passed after Vanoé got kicked outta Ruthven’s study. If there are any other mini time skips I’m forgetting pls lemme know. But let’s be honest, they’ve known each other for two months. If we wanna push it, three. Of course how long you know a person doesn’t solely decide how close you get to them. You can know someone for two weeks but depending wtf goes on in that time frame, they can become your ride or die. But let’s use Misha’s logic for a minute.

You’ve known Vanitas longer, both of you went through hell under Dr. Moreau. You have the same Mark, you’re gonna suffer the same fate. And from how you see it, he chose a man he met by chance a few months ago, over you. Someone who will never truly get it. He is putting his life in the hands of a stranger over yours. You finally meet again after all this time, and the brother who you believed puts you above everything, points a gun at you. Yeah, Misha fucked up. But that will hurt anybody.

Misha challenges their relationship. He questions how much it even makes sense. It’s not only “how can you chose Noé over me?” But also “How can you kill Father but not him?” Is he more important than us?? And that’s a valid question. Messed up but understandable to ask. Noé has protected Vanitas and has been pretty helpful. But Vanitas doesn’t need him to survive. Noé isn’t essential for this suicide mission he’s on either. Misha cannot understand what Noé brings to Vanitas’ life.

Misha was so dependent on Vanitas that he couldn’t fathom his brother not feeling the same. Vanitas loves Misha, no matter how strained or corrupted that bond has become. But he is not emotionally capable to stay with him. And he is allowed to feel that way. And Misha is allowed to scream and wail and be broken about it. In conclusion, Misha is an amazing addition to the narrative, I love him a lot. But I also love Vincent from ph so that explains quite a bit doesn’t it?

[burntheedges-updates]

over again, epilogue: together

Joel Miller x f!reader | 18+ minors DNI | word count: 6.4k

summary: you fell in love with Joel Miller in Austin, Texas, in 2001, but you thought you lost him and your whole family in 2003 when the world turned upside down. now it's 2024, and you find the surprise of your life waiting for you in Jackson, Wyoming. or, five times you and Joel fell deeper in love, on both sides of the apocalypse (and one time you did something about it) chapter tags/warnings: fluff, flirting, banter, light angst, kissing, pet names (darlin’, baby, honey, pretty girl), Joel calls reader a good girl, neck grabbing (no breath play), light manhandling, grinding, oral (f receiving), oral (m receiving), deepthroating, light choking, p in v sex (no condom this time, but use a condom, y’all), creampie, praise kink, light anal play, face sitting, if I missed anything please let me know! a/n: I cannot believe this is the last part (this is the +1 - the time they did something about it). I hope you enjoy it. Please let me know what you think!

series main post | series playlist | ao3 ch 1 | ch 2 | ch 3 | ch 4 | ch 5

This is my updates-only blog! Follow me at @burntheedges

Epilogue: Together

Austin, December 2002

Almost two years in, and sometimes you couldn’t believe how happy you were with Joel. Almost two and a half, really, if you counted the 6 months you spent getting to know each other but holding yourselves back. 

You had a memorable second Christmas together – you stayed with the Millers for your entire holiday break from teaching, only running next door to your house to get random things you needed as they came up. Sarah, then 13, had been excited about it for weeks, though her excitement hadn’t died down after Christmas itself. You weren’t sure why, but she was still practically bouncing off the walls of the Miller household. Joel easily agreed to let her go to a New Year’s sleepover to burn off some of her energy.

A couple of days before New Year’s Eve you came back from a grocery run to an empty house. You knew Tommy had driven Sarah to the mall, but Joel should’ve been there somewhere. You called for him and heard a thump from the backyard, so you set down your bags and wandered out to see what he was up to. You found him up on a ladder, hammer in hand, string lights trailing over his shoulder and already secured in other places on the tall fence around the backyard.

“What’s all this?” you asked, coming to stand beside the ladder to steady it. It had rained earlier, but now it was just foggy and a little chilly. For Texas, anyway. You shivered.

Joel grunted, voice muffled by the nail he was holding with his lips. “I wanted to do something nice for Sarah for New Year’s.”

“Isn’t she going to that sleepover?”

“Yeah, but she’ll be back the next day. Thought we could celebrate it together.” You rested your hand on his ankle and smiled up at him. He was such a good dad, always thinking of little details like this that would brighten her day.

“Need any help?”

“No, I’m ‘bout done. Hey, could you go make us some coffee? Maybe we can sit out here for a bit when I’m done, think about what else we could do to decorate.”

“Sure, baby.” You squeezed his ankle and headed off to do just that.

It took you about 20 minutes to put away the groceries and make some coffee the way you both liked it. By the time you wandered back outside, Joel had finished the lights and put away the ladder. The string lights were glowing softly all around the back yard. You smiled a little, noticing that he’d also put down a large blanket in the middle of the yard and set up the boombox nearby. 

“¡Que Bonito!” was playing quietly, but Joel was nowhere to be seen. 

“Joel? You out here?” 

You whirled to your left, careful with the coffee, as he cleared his throat from behind you, near the door to the house. Somehow he’d managed to sneak in and change without you noticing. He was wearing a black button up and nicer jeans than he had been 20 minutes ago. 

Before you could ask what was going on, he walked towards you and took the coffees from you, setting them carefully on the low table the boom box was sitting on. “Come here, darlin’.” He guided you into a slow dance, starting to sway back and forth.

“What’s the occasion?”

He hummed, pulling you closer. “Just dance with me, pretty girl.” 

You realized he wasn’t going to tell you, at least not yet, so you relaxed into it. You rested your face on his chest as he rested his cheek on top of your head.

You swayed gently together, and the soft glow of the new string lights made everything feel soft and romantic. You sighed and let yourself sink into him. 

When the song ended you felt Joel tense a little. You tried to raise your head, but he suddenly relaxed and tucked your head back to his chest with his left hand. You realized the next track was “Amazed,” and you started to smile.

Sure enough, Joel ducked his head and put his lips right to your ear as he started to sing along softly with the song. You closed your eyes and let his deep voice wash over you.

I don't know how you do what you do I'm so in love with you It just keeps gettin' better I wanna spend the rest of my life With you by my side Forever and ever Every little thing that you do Baby I'm amazed by you

He sang through the first chorus, but then trailed off. He slowly stopped swaying you back and forth. You raised your head, and he let you this time. His eyes caught yours as he stepped back from you, your brow furrowed in confusion as he took a deep breath.

And then he dropped to one knee. 

Your hands flew up to cover your mouth, eyes wide, as Joel reached into his pocket and revealed a small black box. Your whole body was tingling and you sucked in a sharp breath.

He said your name softly as he opened the box, not breaking eye contact once.

“I was planning to wait until New Year’s Eve, bring you out here at midnight and ask you to spend the rest of your life with me. But when you came home earlier, you looked so goddamn beautiful and so right, here in our home. I couldn’t wait any longer. 

“Darlin’, I started falling in love with you standing in my driveway, watching you smile at me and our daughter over those bushes. I didn’t let myself admit it right away, but that’s the truth of it. And then I spent months falling deeper and deeper, sitting with you on your back porch, ‘n every new thing I learned about you just pulled me in more. But I was stuck in my own fear until that day you watched over our girl and took such good care of her and told me you loved her. And I knew it then. I knew you were the one for me, the one for us, and I needed to stop being so afraid to let you in.”

You realized you’d started crying and you wiped away your tears, a huge smile taking over your face. Joel watched you intently and visibly powered through it instead of reaching out to you.

“Every moment with you blows me away, baby. I didn’t think I would ever be this happy. I want to spend the rest of my life making you smile just like that, hearing about your day, watching you be a mom to our little girl, holding you when you need comfort, marveling at how smart you are. I want to bump shoulders in the kitchen as we do dishes together and catch you as you stumble when you’re too tired after a night of dancing to make it up the stairs. I want to dance with you every day, even when we’re old and our backs hurt with every step. I want to watch you watch our daughter grow up. I want to see you every morning when I wake up and I want your cold feet to snuggle under mine in bed. I want to spend every night in bed with you, touching you and kissing you and making you come so hard your legs shake.” He grins and winks at you, and you laugh. You can’t help it.

“I love you so much, darlin’. I want to take the long way with you. I want you here, with us, together, for the rest of our days. Will you marry me?” 

You flung yourself at him before he even finished the question, and he caught you around the waist, laughing and keeping the both of you from toppling over. 

“Yes! I love you so much, Joel Miller. Yes, I’ll marry you. I want all of that too. I want it so bad, baby.” He grinned at you, and you saw he’d teared up a bit too. You were both a mess, teary and smiling, as he slipped the ring onto your finger.

You both looked at it for a moment, stunned, before he took your hand and raised it to his lips, kissing the back of your fingers with his eyes closed. He whispered, “I never saw you coming, darlin’, you took my breath away from the first moment.” He opened his eyes and when he met your gaze he smiled, slow. “Come here, pretty girl.” He pulled you in by your hand and drew you into a deep, slow kiss that stole your breath. With his left hand at your back he lowered you onto the blanket he’d put out, nestled under the trees. 

Joel hovered over you, pressing small kisses all over your face and trailing down your neck. You threaded your fingers through his hair and sighed. 

“Let me make you feel good, baby.” He moved to take off your clothes at the same time your hands moved to his buttons. After a bit of laughter and fumbling, both of you were stripped bare, right there in the yard, hidden by the trees. He looked down at you from where he hovered above you on all fours, cock already hard and hanging heavy between his legs. 

“Look at you, beautiful. Laid out for me all perfect, wearing nothing but my ring.” He dipped down to pull your nipple into his mouth, and you moaned. “That’s right baby, let me hear you.” He reached over and turned up the volume on the boombox slightly. 

You moved your left hand to cup his face, and he immediately turned into it to kiss where your ring sat on your finger. “What do you want, pretty girl?”

You reached down and held his cock lightly in your right hand. You wanted what you knew would drive him over the edge – what always made him lose control. “I want you to fuck my face, baby.”

He groaned, dropping his head to your chest. “Fuck.”

“I want you to come up here and feed me your cock. Come on, cowboy.” You moved your hands to his hips and urged him forward. 

“Baby, I want–“ he started to protest.

You pulled his head up so he had to meet your gaze. “Fuck. My. Mouth.” You could see him shudder, his eyes blown wide as his mouth dropped open. He scrambled to do as you asked. 

His big thighs came up to surround you, sturdy on either side of your head. You hummed, pleased. He leaned forward to find the right angle and you stuck out your tongue to meet the tip of his cock as it lowered towards your face. He groaned loudly. His hips moved closer, suddenly, like it was out of his control. You opened your mouth and extended your tongue, flat. 

Joel was breathing fast, but he lowered his hips perfectly so that the head of his cock landed right on your tongue. You realized he must have been watching and tilted your head back to look. You met his gaze, upside down, his head hanging between his shoulders. He looked completely undone and you’d barely touched him. You smiled as he slowly sank the head of his cock into your wide open mouth. 

He groaned as he pushed inside, not too far yet. He knew you loved this, and he fucking loved it too, but he was always a little afraid of hurting you at first. Always cautious. You positioned your mouth and throat so that he could push father, but he pulled back out and you hummed. You reached up and lightly slapped his ass cheek before grabbing his hips to urge him forward. 

“Ok, baby, ok. I just don’t want to choke you.” He breathed out a laugh, sounding completely wrecked. You pinched his ass. “Ok, I know, I don’t want to choke you too much.” This time he sank down further and you tried to open your throat to welcome him in. You swirled your tongue over his shaft as the tip of his cock kissed the back of your throat. 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck baby that feels so fucking good. Fuck.” He pulled back out and, a bit faster, thrust back inside. You hummed and squeezed your thighs together at the feeling. You were already getting wet.

Slowly, steadily, he started to actually fuck into your mouth. You encouraged him with your hands on his ass and your moans every time he went a little bit farther, a little bit deeper. You could hear him, cursing and murmuring quietly about how good it was, but the blood started to rush in your ears as he settled into it. 

You pressed your tongue to the tip of his cock the next time he pulled out and then sucked, hard, on his next thrust. His hips jumped forward and his cock sank slightly farther into your throat. You choked, just a little, and immediately held onto his ass to keep him from pulling out. “Oh baby, your mouth is fucking perfect,” he growled, accepting that you wanted him right there, down your throat, not moving until you let him. “You want to choke on it that bad? You got it, pretty girl.”

He started thrusting a little deeper, pushing the head of his cock into your throat every time. You moaned, encouraging him, and realized tears were streaming down your face. You clenched your thighs together, pussy dripping wet, overcome by the sound and the feeling of him starting to use your throat. 

On his next thrust you slipped a finger in between his ass cheeks and his hips stuttered forward, almost sinking his entire cock into your mouth. Joel cried out as you choked and your throat tightened around him, before pulling out suddenly and yanking you up the blanket towards him. 

“Holy fucking shit, baby, what did I do to deserve you? Such a good fucking girl for me. You take my cock so fucking well.” He wiped the tears from your eyes and leaned down to lick across your lips before kissing you deeply, tasting himself and groaning loudly. “I need to be inside you, pretty girl.”

“You were, baby.” Your voice was husky, throat a little raw, and he shuddered at the sound. 

“Let me fuck this pretty pussy, baby, I want to make you feel good.” He lifted your knees to your chest, opening you up to him. “I need to put my cock inside this perfect little hole. Fill it up.”

“I do feel good, Joel.” You smiled, dreamily, watching him look at your pussy and lick his lips. 

“I can see that, honey.” You were sure the look on your face was totally blissed out. It’s how you felt. “I want you to feel even better.” As he said it his fingers moved from your legs to your pussy and he moaned. “You’re so fucking wet, is this just from sucking my cock?” You nodded. “Such a good fucking girl for me. Getting so wet just from having my cock in your mouth. Like I already filled you up and you’re dripping, leaking everywhere. So needy, baby.”

“I love your cock, Joel. Love the way it tastes. Love choking on it.” You reached for him, but he leaned down before you could pull him towards you and licked your pussy, tongue flat, from your hole to your clit. You whined and fisted your hands in the blanket. 

“You taste good too, baby. So fucking good.” He lowered his head again and slipped his tongue inside of you, holding you open with his hands behind your thighs. You squirmed, trying to thrust your hips towards his mouth. He twisted his tongue, closed his mouth over your hole, and sucked lightly. You moaned. 

He pulled his face away, gasping. “I need to be inside you, baby.”

You nodded, pulling him towards you. His eyes were dark and his gaze burned into you, making your breath stutter.

“I’m going to fuck your so good, honey. ‘M going to fill this tight little hole, stuff it full of my cock, stretch you open and make it mine.” He leaned down and kissed you as the tip of his cock nestled at your entrance, your legs still wide open for him.

“It’s already yours, Joel. I’m all yours.”

“That’s right, baby. For the rest of our lives.” With that, he pushed forward and sank his cock inside you, slowly, inch by inch. You threw your head back and whined as his hips met yours. You felt stretched full, a perfect fit. He stopped there and watched you for a moment before leaning down and kissing you, so softly and gently it made your breath catch. 

He moved his lips to your ear and whispered, softly, “I am going to ruin this pretty pussy, baby.”

You moaned, clenching down on his cock and twisting your fingers through his hair. “Please, Joel. Do it.”

He moved his face back above yours, giving you a cocky half smile. He pulled out slowly, met your eyes, and then slammed back into you. You could feel your chest heaving as he set a wild pace, strokes fast and deep. You thrust your hips to meet his, panting. He moved his left hand to where it belonged, holding the back of your neck in a strong grip as he held himself up on his elbows.

Joel leaned down slowly towards you, the move totally at odds with the devastating pace he was setting with his cock. You could feel his breath on your lips. He slipped his tongue towards you and brushed it lightly along your bottom lip, teasing you, holding your neck in place when you tried to surge forward to meet him. The soft pressure combined with the feeling of his cock hitting you just right inside made you whine and close your eyes. 

“That’s it, baby. You’re always such a good girl, fucking taking what I give you like you were made to do it.” He leaned to the right and nipped lightly at your jaw. You tried to tilt your head to give him more room but his grip on your neck held you in place, right where he wanted you. He shifted his weight to his left elbow, picking up his right hand and grasping your hip to encourage you as you met his thrusts. He scraped his teeth down your neck.

“Being with you feels like a miracle, baby. It’s so fucking good every time. A man could lose himself in this pussy.” His hips stuttered. “Wish I could stay right here inside you all damn day.”

You felt tears forming at the corners of your eyes as he kept his steady pace, fucking into you, holding your body where he wanted it. “Joel, please.” You couldn't help but beg him even though you didn’t know what you were begging for. You scratched your nails down his back, feeling his muscles moving beautifully under his skin.

“Shhh, let me give it to you. Just take it, honey. That’s it. Be my good girl.” You held your breath as he whispered in your ear, as his right hand moved to your clit. He began to dance his fingers over it in time with his thrusts and you suddenly felt your orgasm, which had been building steadily, coming for you like a meteor. 

“Joel!”

As you cried out his name, you felt yourself clench around his cock, coming so hard you swore you heard ringing in your ears. He moaned your name, low and guttural, and sank his teeth into your shoulder. His hips stuttered and his fingers pinched lightly at your clit as both of you flew over the edge. His orgasm stirred yours higher and your hands went lax. You saw stars dancing in your vision as he ground his cock into you, almost smothering you with his weight.

His hips stilled, but neither of you moved. You both sucked in deep breaths and tried to slow your racing hearts. You could feel his in his chest, beating strong and fast. 

Slowly, Joel lifted his head to meet your gaze. You realized with sudden alarm that he was crying.

“Baby, what–”

He cut you off with a kiss, so soft and gentle it soothed you. He whispered your name.

“How did I get so lucky as to find you, honey?” He spoke right into your mouth, seeming unable to move back, unable to stop kissing you. “I’ve never been so happy. Never knew it could be like this.”

You mustered the strength to move your arms, slipping them around his waist. “I’m the lucky one, Joel. I’ve never been loved this good. No one’s ever come close. I didn’t even realize what I was missing before you.”

He hummed, kissing along your jaw softly. “Maybe we’re both lucky. Sure do fit together like this is how it’s meant to be.” He ground his hips into yours a bit, emphasizing his point. You laughed.

“Well, you know how much I love your cock.”

He smiled, but hid it in your neck, licking and kissing his way down and back up. “Just my cock? I see how it is.” He kissed your ear before biting down on it lightly.

You laughed again, and considered continuing the joke, but you couldn’t. Not that day. You moved your hands up to take his face gently between them, bringing his gaze to meet yours.

“I love you, Joel Miller, every part of you, with all of my heart. I can’t wait to marry you. Every part of me belongs to you and our family. I never want to be without you ever again.” He looked stunned and then he smiled so wide you couldn’t help but return it. 

“We’re getting married.” He looked elated as he said it, like he’d forgotten and only just remembered. You grinned.

“Yeah, cowboy, we are. You even swept me off my feet.” You kicked at his ankles a bit, reminding him. He laughed.

Slowly, he reached down to pull out of you, humming as he felt his cum spill out of you with his cock. He fingered you lightly, pushing it around and making a mess. You raised your eyebrows at him and he grinned ruefully. “Ok, ok.”

He moved to the side and laid down, pulling you in so your head was resting on his chest and your leg was thrown over his. He tugged the part of the blanket you weren’t lying on over the two of you, holding you tight against him. You knew you’d want to go inside and clean up soon — you’d started to notice again how chilly it was — but for now you relaxed into his embrace. You were both quiet, reveling in the moment.

“I feel like you should have something, too,” you mused.

“What do you mean?” Joel picked up your left hand from where it rested on his chest and toyed with your ring before kissing your fingers. “I’ll get my own ring real soon.”

“I just want to get you something. Like, an engagement watch or belt buckle or something.” 

Joel burst into laughter, eyes crinkling. “A belt buckle? Baby, I don’t think that’s a thing.” 

You narrowed your eyes at him and tried not to laugh. “Well, we’ll just have to make it a thing, won’t we?” He laughed so hard he almost bounced you off his chest and onto the blanket. You grinned, making a mental note to enlist Sarah’s help to definitely get him an engagement belt buckle – the cheesiest one you could find, and soon. 

…

Later, when Tommy and Sarah got home, they found you dancing in the kitchen to the mix CD Joel and Sarah had made you the Christmas before, laughing and singing along to “Forever and Ever, Amen” as you made dinner. Sarah immediately gasped and zeroed in on the ring on your finger before you could even say anything. She screamed and jumped across the room to hug you both.

“Finally! I thought you were never going to do it.” She pinched her dad in the side and he squirmed away.

“Hey! I told you I was planning on New Year’s, you little meddler.” He was smiling wide as he teased her.

“Is this what you’ve been so excited about?” you wonder aloud. 

Sarah nodded at you, bouncing on her toes. “We bought the ring a month ago! Do you like it?”

“I love it, sweetheart, thank you. It’s beautiful.” She beamed at you and hugged you again. You laughed, holding on tight. Tommy came in and squished all four of you together in a hug. 

“Welcome to the family, sunshine!” He pulled you away from Joel and started dancing you around the room as Sarah and Joel laughed. “You’re stuck with us now.”

You grinned as he spun you around, catching Joel’s eye. “Stuck, huh? But there’s nowhere else I’d rather be.”

...

Jackson, Early Fall 2024

After that night you and Joel can be found together more often than not.

You don’t move in together, not yet – you want Ellie to be comfortable, and that’s more important than anything else. 

But you spend a lot of nights in each other's beds.

At first it surprises you, how quickly the two of you fall together again. But it shouldn’t, really. Just like you told Joel, the core of who you are is still the same, and who you are together was always something special. Something that had burrowed so deep inside of you, had become so much a part of you, that you’d mourned a part of yourself when it was lost. You’d assumed it was gone for good, right up until the moment Joel Miller touched you again. 

You have some difficult conversations, difficult in the sense that it’s hard for the both of you to talk about some parts of your past. But just like Before, Joel is there to catch you when you stumble over your words, there to hold you when the memories are too strong. You do the same for him.

And when Tommy and Maria’s baby is born in early summer, you’re there for each other for the hard moments and memories that come along with all of the good ones. (Ellie takes to her baby cousin Isabela and the joy of being the big cousin with wonder and enthusiasm – they’re like two peas in a pod of chaos. You still wish Sarah was there every day, but seeing them together heals you a bit, too.) 

Later in the summer, once he can come up for air after the baby is born, Tommy shows the three of you the lake near Jackson. Joel takes the opportunity to teach Ellie to swim, which results in a couple of hilarious afternoons with both Joel and Tommy ending up soaking wet when they don’t mean to be. You laugh at them from the grass nearby (or sometimes from the lake, with Ellie).

In early fall, on what seems like one of the last warm days of the year, the five of you go out to the lake. Maria leaves Isabela with her closest friend, taking advantage of the summer weather while you still have it. (You were surprised Maria wanted to come, since no one wanted to bring the baby outside the walls of Jackson, but she just shrugged and said she was getting stir crazy and wanted to spend the afternoon with family, that it would only be a couple of hours, anyway. Her smile was a little too knowing, a little suspicious. You’d narrowed your eyes, sure something was up, but couldn’t figure out what.) It’s a day off from work and school and Ellie bounces along beside you, excited to be out exploring. She’s adjusting well, but still needs to get away sometimes. 

You and Joel are walking slowly around the edge of the lake as Ellie and Tommy invent some sort of splashing game with extremely complex rules (that mostly result in Tommy getting soaked and Ellie grinning like a little demon the whole time). Maria just watches and laughs at their antics from her comfortable spot on a blanket next to the lake. Whatever the game is, they’re clearly having fun, and you leave them to it. 

Joel takes your right hand in his left, intertwining your fingers and squeezing, and says, “I still can’t really believe it, that we get to have all of this again.”

“I know what you mean. It’s starting to make the 20 years in between feel like a dream, which seems impossible.” He nods, agreeing. “I don’t think either of us will ever be unaffected,” you share a glance and the knowledge that both of you still have nightmares and rough days, “but it seems too good to be true.”

He pulls your hand up to his lips, kissing the back of it softly. “You know, Ellie pointed something out to me the other day.”

You turn to look at him when he doesn’t say anything more. “Oh?” You elbow him a little to urge him on. He smiles, one corner of his mouth lifting.

“We were talking about Before, and she pointed out that technically, we’ve been engaged for almost 22 years now. You know, we never officially called it off or anything.” 

You stumble a little and laugh, wondering where he’s going with this. “I mean, technically, she’s right.”

Joel grins at your reply and pulls you to stop, turning you to face him by grabbing your other hand. “And technically,” he winks, “that’s probably long enough for an engagement. We could probably, well. We could get married, um. If we wanted.” He looks a little shy, somehow, even after everything you’ve been through. 

Your breath catches in your throat. And for some reason the question that comes out is, “do people still do that?” 

He laughs, crinkling his nose at your question. “Yeah, I asked Tommy. Sounds like at least around here, people still do that.” Of course they do, you realize it as he says it – Tommy and Maria are married, after all. 

“I…” you trail off, words leaving you, overcome by a possibility that you hadn't once stopped to consider. He sees how surprised you are and tries to talk you through it.

“You know, there’s not one particular way, sounds like people just do whatever seems right to them, with a few witnesses or sometimes a party at the Bison or something. Something they like.” 

Your brain is coming back online and with it the force of your desire to be married to this man. It emerges from somewhere deep within you, pushed down and ignored for so many years because of how much it hurt to think about. You never stopped wanting it, not really, you only stopped being able to have it. It was out of reach for so long that it didn’t occur to you that you could have it now, even with Joel right in front of you, miraculously alive. You start to smile and he straightens up, smiling back and looking relieved.

“It’s just too bad we don’t have any kind of rings, you know?” He continues. You clear your throat, suddenly awkward, and he narrows his eyes at you. He knows you far too well. “What?”

“Well,” you start, “maybe we do have some rings.”

“Rings?” Joel’s eyes go wide as he emphasizes the end of the word, clearly incredulous both at their possible existence and at the idea that there might somehow be more than one ring available to you.

“I might have held something back, from the shoebox.” His mouth drops open and he pulls you closer. “I held onto mine, somehow, never lost it. I didn’t wear it of course, but I kept it close and never had it stolen.” He’s shaking his head in disbelief, looking down at your hands that are still clutched in his own like he might find it there on your finger, somehow unnoticed until now. “And then when I went back to the house, I found them. In your sock drawer.” He squeezes your hands so hard and looks so shocked you worry he might fall over.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” It’s a fair question.

“Well, at first it was like the rest of the shoebox – I was just waiting for a good time to tell you about it, and I did as soon as I could. But the rings…” You sighed. “I was trying not to push, you know? You said slow, and I agreed.”

“But we left slow behind months ago, darlin’.” He tugs you in closer, letting go of your hands to move his around your waist. You slide yours up his chest to his shoulders. 

“I know, but well, two reasons. One, it honestly hadn’t seemed possible in so long that I sort of… assumed people didn’t get married anymore. And two, well. It seemed kind of fast, to just bring it up right away. Hey, thanks for the mind-blowing orgasms, did you still want your wedding ring? Then I just made it more difficult by waiting and got all in my head about it.” He laughed and pulled your face into his chest, kissing along your hairline. 

“You could’ve said that. The orgasm thing. We have been engaged for 22 years, after all.” You can feel him laughing as he says it and for a second you marvel at the idea that it’s something you can both joke about. “Let me help get you out of your head, baby. We can work it out together.” He pulls back and to your surprise, for the second time in your life, Joel drops to one knee in front of you. His hands go to your hips and yours to his arms. He holds you up as your knees suddenly feel weak.

“I can’t beat that first proposal, I don’t think, especially not with our family right over there. So I’ll just say that I love you, darlin’, and I never stopped. I can’t believe I get another chance at spending the rest of my life with you. I’m not letting it pass me by. We were made for each other, after all.” You smile, and feel tears slip down your cheeks, just like last time. He squeezes your hips. “I know it won’t be easy all the time, but I’d rather handle the hard things together than apart. Even when the hard things come from us.” 

His eyes are looking a little teary, too, and he says your name softly. “It turns out we really did take the long way ‘round, but I’d like to go the rest of the way with you by my side, however long it turns out to be. Will you marry me, darlin’?”

You say yes, of course. You say yes, and fall into his arms again, just like last time. Joel draws you into a kiss, both of you on your knees, and then laughs when you slide your hand into his back pocket and squeeze. 

“We’re too old for me to take you right here on the ground like last time, baby, and we’ve got an audience anyway.” You look up to see Tommy, Maria and Ellie are all watching you, grinning. When you make eye contact with them they start cheering. It’s ridiculous and it makes you tear up again. Joel leans forward to whisper in your ear as they come running towards you, “I promise, honey, I’ll give it to you so good when we get home that you won’t be able to walk tomorrow.” You shiver. 

You rise, just as Ellie arrives and throws herself at you both, getting you all wet with lake water. She smiles at you both and starts to poke at Joel as Tommy walks up behind her. 

“Well, what am I supposed to do, sunshine, welcome you to the family a second time? It don’t make any sense.” He grins at you, and pulls you into a hug. Maria is right behind him with another, and you realize that all three of them must have known what Joel was going to ask you today. 

Ellie looks up from where she’s teasing Joel mercilessly for being such a romantic. “Hey, why does he call you sunshine, anyway?”

Joel and Tommy start laughing, and you roll your eyes. “Come on, I’ll tell you the story on the way back.” 

“Aw come on, it’s not a long story,” Tommy grins as he needles you. He looks at Ellie. “We were at some bar and this guy wouldn’t leave her alone, got so far as putting his hand up her shirt. After she’d already pushed him away a couple times. She was dancing, we were over by the bar.”

Joel chimes in, “She took care of him, though. Didn’t need any help.” He’s grinning.

Tommy nods. “Yeah, it was beautiful. She grabbed him by the shoulders, shouted, ‘watch where you put your hands if you want to keep ‘em, fucker’ and kneed him straight in the di– erm, junk.” Tommy corrects himself, glancing at Joel. Ellie rolls her eyes.

“You can say dick. I’m not a fucking child.” Ellie crosses her arms and frowns at Tommy. Joel sighs, long-suffering, but you know he’s hiding a laugh. 

“Anyway,” Tommy shrugs, “the fucker folded in half right there on the dance floor, just fell right over and groaned. Everyone around them turned and laughed at him.” Tommy pretends to wipe a tear away from his eye. “He had to army crawl off the dance floor and creep his way outside. Truly, one of the most beautiful sights I ever saw.”

“Ok that is like, fucking awesome obviously, but it doesn’t explain the nickname.” Ellie raises her eyebrow at Tommy.

Joel and Tommy start snickering again. The absolute dorks.

“Sure, yeah, but you know,” Tommy snorts and says gleefully, “she got him where the sun don’t shine.” He and Joel laugh again, louder this time, leaning into each other. This time you roll your eyes, even as Ellie laughs, too. Tommy’s still just as pleased with himself for coming up with that nickname, more than 20 years later. He’s got the same look on his face as he did outside of the bar, crowing about the way you took the guy down. 

You and Ellie and Maria leave them there, leaning against each other and laughing, as you walk arm in arm back to where you left the horses. 

...

a/n: that’s it, y’all. Thank you for reading!! Every single one of your comments has meant so much to me. Please let me know what you think of the ending?

I bet I’ll add some drabbles showing some of this stuff that didn’t fit in the story. To answer your probable questions:

Yes, you get married. (Your rings don’t actually fit anymore, but neither of you care. You have them, that’s enough. And later you pass them on to Ellie.)

Yes, you do show Jackson how it’s done, dancing at the bar. You even bring out the mix CD. 

I handwaved the cure and resulting issues here but just know that however it went, they took care of it. 

You and Joel do talk about Tess and Michelle and everything else that happened. You tell Ellie all about Sarah and the extended family she would have had in Texas. Talking about them hurts but seeing her wonder, hearing about her huge family, helps. 

You and Ellie talk about Michelle and she eventually opens up to you about her crush on Cat, bringing the two of you closer together. 

Joel still sings to you in the kitchen and dances with you in the backyard. 

You’re all happy, in the end. It’s hard, and sometimes it’s so hard you think it might not work out. But it always does, and you’re happy. Together. 

Tag list

@morgaussy @jay-zzle @bluetattoos @dins-riduur-anthe @huffle-punk @poodlebae

[stayteezdreams]

No More Waiting

Plot: While attending a Halloween party, Minghao seems to be on a mission, and it revolves around you.

Pairing: Xu Minghao x Gn!Reader

Prompts/Request: 'Wearing the same costume to a costume party' + "Did you match with my costume on purpose?" + “Trick or treat!?” “…Depends on if you’re the treat or not.” & "If your get scared you can hold onto me." "Oh you'd love that wouldn't you?" "Very much."

Requested By: @brattybunfornct

Warnings: Brief mentions of alcohol

Words: 2.6k

A/n: This is the final release of my 13 Days of Halloween (masterlist here). Thank you all for the feedback, reblogs, likes, etc!! <3 You'd think the final Halloween post would be more Halloween focused, but it's not lol.

Minghao checked over his costume in the mirror once more as he let out a deep breath. While the others paced around, making sure enough drinks were prepared, and Mingyu yelled at Hoshi for not buying enough food, Minghao had something much different to worry about.

All week he had been planning. Planning how to act around you, planning what to say, planning what to wear. And it was all taking place tonight. He knew it could all go wrong. Things might not work the way he wanted, but he didn't care, as long as it ended the way he wanted.

With a confession. Hopefully a reciprocated one at that.

Minghao knew he liked you, hell, he might even be in love with you, but what he didn't know, was how to tell you. He tried flirting, but it never came across as genuine. Your friendship was based in part a friendly and teasing relationship. So of course you never really knew if what he was saying was genuine.

He thought he would be okay with it, trying to believe that it would all happen naturally. And it seemed that it was heading that way. Until he showed up.

Ji-Yoo. A sibling of a friend who moved to the city. Minghao had no problem with Ji-Yoo, up until he started to flirt with you, and you took notice. After that, to Minghao, he was an enemy.

This was the catalyst that finally encouraged Minghao to properly confess to you. So, he made the plan.

Step One, steal your costume idea.

You had told him all about what you were going to dress up as. Minghao chuckled as you told him of your Tim Burton inspired outfit and makeup, all the while he made sure to buy everything he needed to match with you. That way, you would appear as a couple at the party.

Step two, keep Ji-Yoo away from you.

Make sure Ji-Yoo had no opportunity to try and win you over or sway you. Be a nuisance around him, so he cannot stand being around the two of you.

Step three, flirt.

Flirt in ways you weren't used to. Flirt in front of people you know and don't know. Especially in front of Ji-Yoo.

Step four, confess.

He didn't know exactly when he was going to confess. He hoped to get you alone at some point in the night, but he realized that might prove difficult.

He had to admit, it wasn't the most detailed plan, but it was a start. His chest was tight as he let out a few deep breaths as a few people showed up for the party. Minghao kept watch at the door, intending to answer when you arrived.

When he caught sight of your fully skelefied costume through the window, he grinned as he walked to the door, waiting for you to knock.

As he pulled the door open, your familiar voice called out, making Minghao grin.

"Trick or Treat!?"

Minghao eyed you up and down as he smirked “…Depends on if you’re the treat or not.”

You rolled your eyes softly, "You wish."

'I do.' He thought to himself as he smirked, as he saw you look over his costume, realization crossing your features.

You stepped up to him, "Wha-"

He rose his brow, feigning innocence. "What?"

"Did you match my costume on purpose?" You accused.

Grabbing your wrist, he gently lead you inside as you gawked at him.

"Seriously Minghao! You knew this was my costume, now it's gonna look like we're wearing a couples costume!"

He smiled at you and you felt your stomach swirl. "What's so wrong with that?"

You were a bit stunned, and you thought you saw something beneath the teasing gaze, something more genuine. Before you could respond, you heard your voice called by an excited and already buzzed Hoshi.

He grabbed your wrist and started rambling about how Mingyu was angry at him, before he pulled you off towards the kitchen. Minghao tried to grab your hand to pull you away, but Hoshi won as you disappeared into the kitchen.

Minghao let out a frustrated groan. Apparently he should have added 'keep everyone away from you' to his plan.

You ended up mingling with the others in the kitchen for a while, but your thoughts continued to stray to Minghao. Something about the way he looked at you, and the way he was acting was different than normal.

When he came into the kitchen a few minutes after you did, he seemed to glare at the others who held your attention. A few times it seemed as though he was tying to get your attention, or steal you away from the others, but he failed, and he only seemed to grow more annoyed each time.

The thoughts of why he might be acting like this made you nervous.

You had realized quite a while ago, that your feelings for Minghao had changed. You didn't just look at him as a friend, or even your best-friend, he was Minghao, the man who made your heart flutter. The man who made you feel safe and loved. The man who unabashedly and unknowingly held your heart in his hands.

But you had no doubt in your mind that he did not feel the same. It hurt, but you accepted it. And you tried to move on from it. But now you weren't so sure if you should have moved on at all.

At some point, the kitchen became so crowded, you made your way out and into the living room. You hadn't gotten far when you were approached by someone in a werewolf mask. When removed, you were met with Ji-Yoo's beaming smile.

You smiled and greeted him, aware that you were now going to be bombarded with flirtatious comments that you would have to not so skillfully play-off.

Ji-Yoo was sweet and attractive, and would be what you would consider your type a few years ago. But now, no one was good enough. Because none of them were Minghao.

When Minghao noticed you had vanished from the kitchen, he quickly made his way to find you. He had lost more time than he wanted, he needed to make up for it.

When he did spot you in the living room, he smiled naturally at the sight of you, before he noticed who it was who had your attention.

He flared his nostrils with an annoyed sigh as he made his way towards the two of you. When he heard your giggle meet his ears, he felt jealousy rise in his chest.

Minghao not-so-subtly inserted himself into your conversation as he slid in beside you, his shoulder pressing against you as he grinned at you, announcing his presence.

Ji-Yoo's smile faltered as he appeared, and Minghao simply smiled at him, smacking his shoulder and giving him an disingenuous greeting.

He saw Ji-Yoo look down at your matching costumes and smirked proudly.

You did not fail to notice Minghao's sudden brazen behavior, or the fake smile plastered on his face. You knew it well enough to spot a mile away.

You were shocked to see him acting this way towards someone you thought he considered a friend. You couldn't help but wonder if maybe he was jealous. But you tried not to linger on the thought too long. You didn't want to over-think yourself into a false sense of confidence, only to be brokenhearted later.

It didn't take long before you were unable to take any more of Ji-Yoo and Minghao's weird behavior. They eyed each other as if enemies and seemed to try and one up each other in every conversation. They spoke as if they were friends, but the passive aggression and sarcasm made the air around you thick with tension.

To say it got annoying was an understatement. You didn't know what their problem with each other was, but you had figured Minghao didn't want you to be friends with him for whatever reason.

Spotting another friend of yours, you decided to exit the conversation, much to Minghao and Ji-Yoo's surprise and disappointment.

You managed to avoid both Minghao and Ji-Yoo for the rest of the party as you did not want to get caught in the middle of their problems again. Even though -unbeknownst to you at this moment- you were the problem.

Relief filled you when you saw Ji-Yoo leave the party. Now it was just you and the boys, lingering in the now-emptied, yet trashed house.

Minghao noticed you from across the room when you entered and you saw relief wash over his face.

As he approached you, he smiled, "I thought you had left."

You shook your head, "I was gonna help clean up."

Hoshi groaned from the couch, "I'm too hungry to clean."

"Well you wouldn't be hungry if you had brought food to the party like you were supposed to!" Seungcheol's voice called from the kitchen and you chucked.

Hoshi hissed under his breath before he responded. "I did bring food!"

"You brought three bags of chips and some beer!" Mingyu yelled back and Hoshi pouted.

You chuckled at them before you realized you were hungry yourself. "I'm up for a store run if you want Hoshi."

He looked over at you with bright happy eyes and you knew his answer.

"I'll come!" Minghao glared over at Jun and Joshua, who spoke at the same time as him.

Minghao had failed his mission to spend the party with you. He let his annoyance at Ji-Yoo chase you away, and he knew he messed up. He noticed you avoiding Ji-Yoo and felt ecstatic about it. Up until he realized you were avoiding him too.

He messed it all up and he knew it. He was hoping a walk with you would help, but now, as he walked beside you, the loud voices of Jun, Joshua, Jeonghan, Dino and Mingyu echoed down the street as you all made your way to the store.

The silence that had been lingering between you and Minghao was broken when a loud crash in the dark street nearby made you gasp and flinch.

Minghao laughed at your reaction, ignoring the fact that his own heart jolted in surprise.

You glared over at him playfully before chuckling.

As the others had gotten quite a ways ahead of you, Minghao thought that now might be his opportunity. He watched you as you eyed the dark streets around you, now on edge.

Minghao gasped in your ear and you yelped in surprise, making him laugh.

"Minghao!" You yelled as you smacked his shoulder, only making him laugh more. "Don't do that to me!" You tried to sound angry, but you couldn't help the laugh that escaped you.

A loud yell from someone nearby caught you by surprise, making you jump again. You ran to the other side of Minghao, who laughed at your expense.

You smacked his arm again. "Stop!" You whined.

"If you're scared you can hold onto me." He said with a smirk and you huffed.

"You'd like that wouldn't you?"

"Very much."

The way his eyes seemed to stare into you without his familiar teasing smirk, made your heart flutter.

He let out a soft laugh as he suddenly pulled you into his chest, hugging you and pressing a kiss to your head.

"You're cute when you're flustered."

You were left in stunned silence for a moment before you finally found your voice again. "Why are you acting so differently?"

Minghao pulled away from you, looking down at you with a soft gaze.

So you did notice.

"What do you mean?

You shrugged your head softly. "I don't know, you're just being..." You let out a soft sigh of frustration. "I don't know how to explain it."

He smiled widely at you and you pointed at him.

"See! That right there!"

He widened his eyes a bit as he let out a bewildered laugh. "What?!"

"The way you're looking at me it's- it's different. You're doing it on purpose I know it! Why?"

His smile softened as he moved his hands to take yours. He gently caressed your fingers as he stared at your hands. You felt your heartbeat racing as he took a step closer.

"I figured I needed to be more obvious for you to finally realize."

"Realize what?"

His eyes rose to your face and you saw him study your face for a moment. He took in your features, including your lips, which you did not fail to notice.

"How much I care about you. Not just as a friend."

"Wha-"

Your words were cut off as Minghao pulled you towards him suddenly. You froze as his lips met yours. His hands gently rose up your hands, to your arms and then shoulders as he kissed you softly. Just as you started to sink into the kiss, he pulled away.

You blinked a few times as he opened his own eyes, staring gently at you with a soft smile.

"You kissed me." You mumbled in surprise.

He smiled. "I kissed you."

He reached up and gently stroked your cheek.

"And I want to do it again, a thousand times. Honestly I've wanted to for ages. I think- no, I know that I've had feelings for you for a long time. And I couldn't hold back anymore, especially when I thought I might lose you."

Realization suddenly washed over you and your mind flashed back to earlier at the party.

"Is this why you and Ji-Yoo were so tense around each other earlier?" You suddenly asked and Minghao let out a soft laugh as he nodded his head.

"Yes. I'm sorry it got so tense, I just hated the idea of him stealing you away from me."

He looked down at his feet and you smiled softly.

"No one could do that Minghao."

His eyes shot up to meet yours, and you let out a soft laugh. "Why do you think I haven't even attempted to date anyone in the last few years?"

Minghao felt hope rising in his chest and he furrowed his brow in hopefully confusion.

You smiled bashfully. "Because I only ever wanted you."

Minghao stepped closer and pressed his forehead against yours as he grinned."Not Ji-Yoo?"

You chuckled and shook your head, "No, not Ji-Yoo, just you."

"Good."

He grinned as he kissed you again, his arms wrapping around your waist as he pulled you close to him. This time, instead of freezing, you returned the kiss, as your chest burned hot and butterflies turned into fireworks.

Neither of you were aware of the approaching group, who you had forgotten about, until you heard a familiar voices gasp out dramatically.

"They're kissing!!" Joshua yelled.

You broke apart as you looked over at the dramatically surprising, yet grinning faces of your friends who started to grab at each other and gasp.

You laughed as Minghao rolled his eyes, gesturing at them to go away.

"And here we thought one of you got hurt or something!" Jun yelled with a fake disgust on his face as he pulled at Jeonghan who had his eyes covered.

They started to head back towards the store, throwing various comments at the two of you as they disappeared.

The last voice you heard was Mingyu's, "Took you long enough Minghao!"

Minghao yelled out into the darkness after them, "Shut up!"

You laughed as he shook his head with annoyance before he pulled you to his chest, staring into your eyes as your noses bushed.

"It did take me way too long." He admitted softly.

You shook your head, "I thought I had convinced myself to move on, thinking you would never feel the same way for me, but honestly I think I could have waited forever."

He grinned before he pressed a soft kiss to your lips. "No more waiting."

You shook your head with a soft smile, as you repeated his words as joy filled both of you.

"No more waiting."

xx End xx

I got writers block like four times while trying to write this, so I'm sorry if it's not the best :/ I really wanted it to come out better.

But, that being said. This was the final part to my 13 Days of Halloween, and I hope you all enjoyed it!

General Taglist: @otsilliak, @brattybunfornct, @bahng-chrizz, @otakutrash669

Minghao Taglist: @lieutenantn

[a-room-of-my-own]

Anonymous surrogate mother

I was an altruistic surrogate a few years ago and was abandoned by the intended parents (IPs). We were really close before and I allowed them to get close to my children. My UK surrogacy agency instilled in me that I had to be close friends with the IPs to reduce the risk of the arrangement breaking down. I regret this now, I only hope my children aren’t feeling too much of a loss from being used by the IPs.

Anonymous midwife

During my 13-year career as a midwife I witnessed many negative consequences of surrogacy for women.

The first time I encountered a surrogate mother was when I was caring for her when she was unwell in the high dependency unit. She had been commissioned by two gay men to carry a baby for them. It was her egg. There was a vast age gap between the two men and one of them died during the pregnancy. The younger one no longer wanted the baby. This young mother was then left to bring up the baby by herself. She was vulnerable, poor, and had previously been a victim of domestic abuse.

I have also been involved in the care of a young woman who was carrying a baby for a heterosexual couple who divorced. It was their egg and sperm. They no longer wanted the child. She was bullied into a termination at 22 weeks gestation.

Another horrifying story was of a mother of three children in her 30s who discovered she had a terminal condition and had to terminate the pregnancy at 20 weeks. She later died leaving three children. The surrogacy did not cause the condition but it hastened her death.

There are many other stories of trauma which I cannot share due to them being identifiable.

In my experience it is only poor and vulnerable women who choose to become surrogates. Wealthy, educated women never choose to become surrogates. If it’s only poor women, how can it truly be a choice? It is exploitation.

In the UK we are not meant to have commercial surrogacy but it is evident that we do. Women are given vast sums of money as “expenses”. When they are using their own eggs, it can only be described as human trafficking.

I have also cared for women after “successful” surrogacies. These women feel immense loss and sadness after giving birth and handing over the child. Even if it’s not their genetics the mother-foetal dyad is still powerful. Women are not microwaves. We tell pregnant women to bond with their babies in utero and to talk to them to help brain development. The babies bond with the mother as they grow. Then they are ripped away at birth. Some never see them again after the first day. It is barbaric.

Share your story

We believe that there are many women who are suffering in silence after having an unhappy, damaging or traumatic experience of ‘donating’ their eggs or being a ‘surrogate’ mother for the benefit of others. If this has happened to you and you’d like to share your story anonymously, please see our Share your surrogacy or eggsploitation story page.

[oubliette-odette]

The Reluctance of Love Pt. 30

Hey guys! I was away out of town for a couple weeks and was out of service during that time so I'm finally here with a few chapters ready to post. Which is perfect because I'll be out of town again for the next two weeks and I'll make sure that I get a post out for you so you don't all suffer. Things are getting gooood.

Orc Male x Half-Elf Male, Fated Mates, Forbidden Love, Slow Burn Part 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29 Content Warnings: violence, light torture All orcish is from orcishdictionary.com, created by Matt Vancil.

I stood in the center of the Great Hall, surrounded by men that I had grown to despise for their pathetic neutrality on every decision. I had told them everything my father had done, sparing nothing. I shook with anger, but Selhar stood beside me, barely more than a boy, yet holding himself with the stature of a grown man. Him being there made everything feel far less frightening. We stood, side by side, in the center of the room while the Council circled around us, each keeping their own judgements to themselves while they studied and stared at us. The room was silent as they took in the information I had given them. It took everything in me to not scream back at them to just believe us as I held each of their gazes.

Suddenly, like a large exhale, all of them seemed to erupt with questions. It was clearly a division between those who believed me and those who found my tale preposterous.

“Do you understand what you are accusing?” Councilman Orin rose to his feet. I detected exasperation in his tone and I felt my body go rigid. I remembered he was one who had always admired my father and the two worked close together often. “I understand that since the death of the Duke’s Consort, there has been a change in you. I do not see a benefit in bringing your familial problems to this Council. You understand that if you succeed in removing your father from his role, what it will mean for Berdusk? And what it could mean for Triel if what you say is true? This would mean an entire upheaval in two bodies of government. These are not accusations to be given lightly, son.”

“I certainly would not bring these accusations if I did not intend to do that exact thing.” I said, my voice quivered as I bit back my emotion. “Something must change. An upheaval is necessary. Do you understand what you would permit to continue if nothing is done?” I raised my head and looked directly at Orin. “You would be permitting a radical group to exist beyond our control and persuade this and neighboring lands and it would be that radical group - the Red Hunters - that would begin determining who would be able to travel between roads without trouble, who could trade with us and who could not. What belongs to us would belong to them. Their hands would forever be in all of your pockets and making choices that do nothing for our people.”

Another man rose, he was older and hunched, but his glassy eyes looked kindly down at me, “I cannot deny that I am entirely unbelieving. The Duke and I have often been opposed in our opinions, but I always respected his leadership as long as it was in the interest of the citizens of Berdusk. I believe we all can agree that in the years following your mother’s death, he has not behaved as he used to. I’m not opposed to his removal, but I believe we all find ourselves unprepared to handle what this could mean to Berdusk.”

“Precisely!” Another interjected. “What is to be done if the Duke is gone?”

“Are you not able bodied to lead the people without a Duke?” Selhar asked, his exasperated tone went over their heads, but I caught the way he looked over at me with a roll of his eyes.

“But the Hilmars have led and protected these people for generations.” Orin responded, he looked at me, a dark gleam in his eye, “To lose their duke and the entire way of life would bring utter ruin.”

“You say Commander Gideon has been investigating the Duke as well?” The kind, glassy eyed councilman spoke again.

I nodded, “He is not currently here since the Duke suspected his disloyalty, but we have convinced a number of his guards to speak on his behalf…those that have been forced under my father’s instructions to go against their creed.” I gestured to the line of guards that stood at the door behind me. They all remained silent, but stood stoically and alert. “I also have the means to contact Commander Gideon, should we find it is safe for him to return.”

I turned to a hunched man who sat before me, he was buried in a large book, frantically running his knobby fingers down the page before frantically turning to the next.

“Treasurer,” I gently spoke, drawing the man’s attention. “What have you found in your research?”

He shook his head, sighing. “Gentlemen, the Young Lord is correct. There are withdrawals made by the Duke once a month with no notation, which is well… I-I don’t know how such a thing passes through my clerks.” He removed his spectacles and looked up at me, “And just as you said, there are also payments that are received from Triel that are given right before each of these withdrawals, which are noted as a trade for goods…but I don’t believe goods were ever traded?”

Many shook their heads, “I’ve not been aware of any trades between Triel.” One said.

“It appears that the evidence is stacking against the Duke.” The old councilman sighed. “But Councilman Orin - though I am reluctant to admit - has made a point. Our people expect there to be a Duke in this land…there is no easy way to dismantle what has always been. Young Lord, what do you suggest be done now that the truth is out?”

I nodded. “I understand the burden this places on you and the rest of Berdusk. It is my intention to take his place as Duke.”

Selhar stiffened next to me and whirled his attention on me. “Altan.” He hissed.

I raised a hand to calm him, “I know I have been…reluctant to bear the responsibilities that were always mine. I have watched my father rule in silence, but no more. He speaks with poison on his lips and has held back the progress of Berdusk for too long. Our people deserve to thrive with a leader that believes in the spirit of unity, and honesty. No more walls, no more secrets. We can bridge Berdusk better with the surrounding communes.”

“Ah,” Orin interjected. “I’m beginning to see the whole picture.” He looked to the other Councilman. “This pup wants to free his orc lover and bring its people to our town. Is that what has spurned your interest in ruling all of a sudden?”

The room grew uncomfortably still and I felt my face begin to burn. I had expected this turn to happen, I had never been good at subtlety. And I certainly had been far from subtle the moment I met Drunrag.

“I won’t deny that I have a personal interest in seeing Drunrag released from wherever my father has imprisoned him. And I won’t deny that I wouldn’t invest my influence to foster alliances with outside leaders, but I promise you my choice to do this didn’t come from a place of selfishness. My mother, the late Duchess Telmira, taught me that every individual should be treated with dignity, no matter how different they may be from our understanding. Because what we do not understand is not something to fear, but to learn from and the way we grow is often doing the thing we fear the most. We cannot progress without these connections. The Duke has separated us and choked our people from alliances that would strengthen us.” 

I took a breath, “To be truthful, I don’t want to be Duke. If it were truly up to me, I would dismantle this entire government and start over.” I glanced over to Orin, “It would be easier to just run away and never take responsibility for what I’ve brought to you. And yet, that’s not what I was raised to do and it would be on my conscious if I chose that path. We are all currently facing an uncertain future, but I believe uncertainty is the best place to begin building something we want that’s better than where we were. Uncertainty is just another word for possibility. And if we can build bridges and repair what’s broken, imagine what Berdusk could be. A homeland to traditions old and traditions new. A caretaker to friends and strangers alike.”

“That’s a very optimistic perspective, son.” Orin snidely remarked. “What makes you think people will want this change?”

I hardened my stare, “Perhaps they don’t…but I think people are allowed to change their minds if they want something different. But they won’t know until we give them that opportunity.”

The Council exchanged looks of concern and skepticism. It wasn’t a surprise to see such reactions, I had resisted and ignored my responsibility for a long time and had gone to great lengths to make my dislike known to everyone and now here I stood, sputing flowery words of hope and connection. I certainly wouldn’t trust them if I were them. What I was suggesting was entirely new, foreign to Berdusk. I held each of their gazes and tried to return an expression that exuded confidence and faith in what I said. 

“Lord Altan.” Orin said again. “Are you prepared for the consequences that will come from this?”

“Are you prepared to no longer have my father’s money lining your pockets?” I retorted.

The look of disdain on Orin’s face could not have been more satisfying. “How dare you!?”

I folded my arms and smirked. “Change will come whether we want it or not, it does not care how we feel about it. I won’t lead Berdusk into ruin, and I will see that whatever ‘privileges’ my father has given some of  you is returned to the people. I’m not really here to be liked by any of you.”

The glassy-eyed councilman nodded, “Well, I do not wish to hold back this spirited young lord, I see great potential in him, but we still have the current Duke Hilmar to concern ourselves with. We must try him for his crimes and come to this answer ourselves. Do you disagree?”

I shook my head, “I do not.”

A guard behind us cleared their throat and announced, “Duke Hilmar left early this morning. He didn’t say where, but he appeared to be in a hurry and in a dark mood according to some of the staff here in the Great Hall.”

“Running away perhaps…” Someone mumbled.

The councilman talked amongst and over themselves, struggling to know what to do next.

“A decision cannot be made until the Duke has been tried for his crimes.” One finally said.

“Have guards sent to seek him out, find him!” One yelled.

“If he doesn’t return in three days, we must concede that he is guilty.” Another declared.

“Young Lord, permit us to hold any further discussion until the Duke is found?” The glassy-eyed councilman asked.

I bowed my head, “Granted. Thank you gentlemen, I look forward to seeing this through.”

“As do I.” He replied with a weak smile.

The meeting seemed to awkwardly end as everyone eyed one another with wide expressions and vacant smiles. Admittedly, I had done the equivalent of dumping ice cold water on all their heads and left them with barely a solution. Was I really the best I could offer Berdusk for a better future? I had to believe that my mother taught me what she did for more than just being the pawn of someone else. Change would come slowly, but it would change. And I prayed that it would eventually lead me to Drunrag and he would stay by my side to the long, bitter end.

Selhar grabbed my hand next to me, “Are you mad?” he whispered as he began to pull me away. “You didn’t tell me you would do this.”

“I had to.” I said. 

“But…” He bowed his head. “You told me you wanted to travel, to sing and make art and meet people. What about Drunrag?”

I felt my smile fade from my face, “Those dreams would mean nothing if I ruined your dreams, Selhar.” I placed my hand on his shoulder. “I had to do what needed to be done. I will not regret this.”

He nodded, but couldn’t meet my eyes.

We began to walk down the hall when I suddenly felt a faint burning in the pit of my stomach. I stopped and placed a hand on the flat of my stomach and wavered. This feeling, so familiar, so painfully vivid in my memories. I stumbled back and leaned against the wall, my breath suddenly becoming shallow and desperate. I placed my other hand on my chest, feeling the quickening in my heartbeat.

Lordhovid. It was back.

“Altan!” Selhar reached to catch me, his eyes wide.

I held him back, my eyes unfocused as I felt the burn begin to spread. “Selhar, I need to get out of here.”

“What? Why? What’s happening?”

I looked up at him, but flinched as a wave of feverish heat punched into my loins. I bent down and gasped for air. “I’ll explain later, but I need to leave…” I reached into the pocket of my tunic and found the crumpled letter from Gaius Gideon. “Here. Take me here.” I shoved the paper into his hands before I gasped again and collapsed to the ground. The heat was unbearable, worse than it had been before. And through the pain and fog, I could feel the tight, unyielding pull in my gut that tied me to my beloved.

Want to be updated on new chapters? DM me to be added to the tag list! I'm so sorry that I missed you guys last chapter!

@eltrolodecadadia

@sizzlinghideoutcoffee

@carjis

[wcamino-confessions]

i saw sometime a long time ago a person posting about how weird the creator of bleames was and i just wanted to put my story out there.

in 2016-17 when i was 12-13 jake aka periwinkletotem was a popular artist and designer on warrior cats that i was inspired by and really looked up to. i was just a beginner in the amino trying to make a name for myself (i still havent lmfao) but i would take a lot of requests and even draw gift artwork for people i admired. pwt was one of those people that recieved a lot of artwork from me and we would often have short lived conversations on their wall or in comment sections. eventually we became acquaintances but still not on the level of friends.

a couple weeks later i noticed that he opened up a roleplay called 'tribe of clovers' in which you had to audition for and i managed to get in. this skyrocketed my relationship with pwt as his and my character ended up developing a relationship. i was quick to ask them about lore in dms and we ended up developing a good friendship and i even had gotten invited to his private groupchat where there was multiple "popular artists" and even members of the LT. in this groupchat people were extremely rude to one another. there was constant drama and bigotry to one another and despite sometimes removing someone that the group deemed "weird" there was never any actions taken against those who were instigating or starting problems. most of the people who had power/good art would banned together and bully other people out of the groupchat too.

as the memories are a bit hazy and i couldnt tell you exactly which LT members were in this private group i can say that they are no longer on the leadership team.

as i got more comfortable with pwt i started to flirt with them, even if i was 13 and they were about adult age i believe. i asked if my flirting was uncomfortable and they said no and even would do it back at some points. i forgot my account password so i cannot gather screenshots and even if i did they were banned so the chat messages would no longer be there but i can try.

at one point they did admit to me in dms when i bought a myo bleame, that the bleames were not even a well thought out species and he just wanted to hop on the band wagon of species (ex. sugar mews) that were going on at the time as a cash grab.

i eventually left amino due to personal reasons and when i came back pwt was banned and a lot of popular artists were gone. i never knew what happened exactly and i still dont and this isnt really a major post i just thought id share my two cents because i was reminded about it when i saw a poster say they wondered if anyone remembered bleames.

just wanted to add on to the weird allegations 👍

[edwinspaynes]

Matthew, Alastair, and the Self vs the Other

I cannot for the life of me understand how people justify hating either Matthew or Alastair on behalf of the other. Like. Both of these characters are so beloved to me. They're easily two of my favourite fictional characters, and I'm not just talking about in TSC. I adore them, and I adore their complexities. As such, I feel that I am the appropriate person to write this essay.

(You can also expect another essay in the coming week that juxtaposes Matthew and Alastair's storylines as literary foils. The aim of this essay is not to understand their written characters, but to understand their dynamic as human beings).

Listen.

Shadowhunter Academy

At the Academy, Alastair behaved in a pretty homophobic way to Matthew, who was visibly not straight (and proud of it). It's worth noting that Alastair began the conflict here, with these statements. The stuff about Wilde being indecent was their first encounter, and he 100% perpetuated it again later with "what a fine wife you'll make for someone one of these days." The impact of this hurts Matthew regardless of the fact that Alastair was also gay. Matthew didn't know this at the time, and even if he had, it would have been unfair for Alastair to turn his own internalized homophobia on Matthew.

However, Alastair's statements are also understandable. Being gay in the late 1800s wasn't a walk in the park, and Alastair was likely having it consistently reinforced as shameful by Charles at this point. He was 15. He also was very clearly following the Wilde trials, which would have been terrifying for him.

Matthew is also a defensive person, and James was being consistently bullied by Alastair. I understand him coming to the defense of his friend. I get that. But he did, in the end, come at Alastair WAY too hard when he said that his father didn't love him. It's worth noting that Matthew didn't know the situation between Alastair and Elias, and he just groped around for fodder and accidentally hit something that hurt. But, like the Wilde stuff, that doesn't matter. The impact on Alastair was real and painful.

Onto the rumor stuff, the things that Alastair said about Gideon and Charlotte were inexcusable. Place this in a historical context. Charlotte is a woman, and one who's constantly questioned in her position of power. This rumor could have legitimately ruined her and the entire Fairchild family. I do not believe Alastair thought this through, but once again, the impact was there. This is a theme throughout their relationship.

Alastair, who is obviously extremely traumatized, was completely in the wrong for saying those things. 0 argument.

Matthew, who is obviously very mentally ill, was VERY MUCH in the wrong to blow up Alastair's things. 0 argument.

There's also an argument to be made that Alastair had no choice but to be a bully. I believe this. I fully understand him. He DID have no choice, and he deserves sympathy and compassion and forgiveness. I believe this unequivocally. No child- no human- deserves to be subject to the abuse that Alastair was at home and at school, and no 13-15 year old would have made a different choice.

But, at the same time, Alastair did not have to hit Matthew where it hurt like that. He could have stuck to the way he bullied Thomas, with periodic cutting barbs. That's also true.

Matthew's Great Sin

Fast forward a couple of years.

The only person to blame for Charlotte's miscarriage is Mother Hawthorne, an adult who used Matthew as a tool for attempted assassination. Full stop. The ONLY person. That's my preface.

Alastair is in no way to blame for Charlotte's miscarriage. Like, at all. I'm not even sure that he, to this day, knows what happened. This is indisputable. Alastair is, I would argue, unrelated to the reality of the situation.

Everyone reasonable can see this. Matthew himself is reasonable. Matthew himself knows this and has thought as much:

It was not the faerie woman’s fault, or Alastair’s, or the fault of any other soul. He was the one who had chosen to distrust his mother. He had fed his mother poison with his own hands. He was not a fool. He was a villain.

Of course, I disagree with Matthew's thoughts on Mother Hawthorne. I also disagree with his thoughts on his own culpability, but I'm getting there. My current point is that Matthew knows, immediately, that Alastair is not to blame.

However, the person that he chooses to blame is himself.

Matthew, prior to this event, already had incredibly low self-worth. Two clear examples:

“You may be a waste of space in a waistcoat,” he told Matthew Fairchild, “but at least your waistcoat is fantastic.”

He was sure that if he had not asked James to be parabatai, James would never have thought of asking him.

As a result of this unbearable pain, Alastair becomes something of a scapegoat for Matthew. He hates himself and treats himself poorly; he shoves off some of that self-hate onto Alastair, his literary foil (again, wait for that essay). The alternative is unbearable. In Matthew's eyes, he is a villain, and he needs to make a new villain.

Matthew already has understandable problems with Alastair. Alastair is the one that triggered Matthew's insecurities. Despite having nothing to do with the miscarriage, he makes for a fine scapegoat.

And, over time, Alastair is no longer Alastair to Matthew. Alastair is simply a concept that he has created, flanderized, and made into some untouchable and inhuman evil spectre.

Alastair's Return to London

By the time that Alastair returns to London, Matthew's hate for both himself and for Alastair are solidified. Carved in stone. Matthew is not equipped to face Alastair.

Alastair does not fully understand why Matthew hates him. This is incredibly understandable. There's no other way this could have gone, because Alastair is a person, and he is a person that knows nothing of the conceptual caricature that Matthew has cast him as.

So he apologizes, and he apologizes, and he apologizes. He does everything right, and I would argue that Alastair's in the clear for his past actions by the end of ChoG. (Not to the Thieves, but to a reasonable reader/outsider).

Alastair is, at this point, just some man that the main cast has beef with. He's a good guy. He's done his due diligence and apologized. They should, in both Alastair's mind and many readers', be good now.

Unfortunately, Matthew is not a reasonable reader or outsider. Matthew is a real person who was directly impacted by Alastair's actions at the Academy, which almost certainly led to some of his self-worth problems. He also incorrectly has essentially gaslit himself into thinking that his mother's poisoning is another way that Alastair has victimized him.

At this point, I will say that I personally believe Matthew to be bipolar. If he is not bipolar, he may have borderline personality disorder. This is unconfirmed, but there is a lot of evidence in the text. I could write an essay on this as well as someone who also is bipolar. What he does with Alastair- and later with Cordelia- is something called splitting. A person is either an evil and worthless villain or they are a goddess incarnate (respectively). There is no gray area.

In any case,

To Matthew, Alastair's constant apologies and lack of awareness about the impact he had appear dismissive.

Thomas frowned. “Matthew,” he said, his usually gentle voice remonstrative, “that was the past. It is time for us to be adults and forget childish slights.” “Thomas, you are kind,” said Matthew. “Too kind, and you wish to forget. But I am not kind, and I cannot help but remember.”

Thomas is too forgiving; Alastair has not, in Matthew's mind, sufficiently apologized for the imagined but simultaneously legitimate transgression. He must do so. Alastair must hurt as Matthew has, and he does not consider that he is engaging with an actual human being who only has one friend that he is about to destroy his relationship with.

Note that this is once again consistent with Matthew's characterization as protective of his friends. In his mind, he is saving Thomas from the abusive concept of Alastair. His being incorrect and that image not being an accurate representation of the man himself do not matter to Matthew's motivations.

At this point, though, Alastair is also unfortunately extremely triggered by Matthew's drinking. This is clear in ChoG when Alastair says,

Alastair’s expression went flat. “You think I would be relieved to hear she’s with Matthew? You think I don’t know a drunk when I see one? Believe me, I do. If he puts Cordelia in harm’s way—”

Not great, especially considering that Alastair has spent his entire life trying to protect Cordelia from a drunk:

Because he’s always bloody drunk, Cordelia. The only one of us who didn’t know that is you. [...] I wanted you to have a childhood, a thing I never had. I wanted you to be able to love and respect your father as I never could. [...] Who learned at ten years old to refill the brandy bottles with water each morning so no one would notice the levels had sunk?"

Alastair is correct. This is more than understandable. Matthew is, in that moment, taking Cordelia to a scandalous nightclub; he will, in a few months' time, impulsively run away with Cordelia to another country.

This conflict persists in much the same way throughout Chain of Iron, with Alastair getting more and more irritated that his apologies are going unheard and Matthew getting pissier and pissier that Alastair cannot conceptualize Matthew's rage.

I'll talk more about this in my Literary Foils essay, but:

It is only through self-acceptance that Matthew learns to forgive Alastair and, once again, view him as Alastair the Man rather than Alastair the Concept.

It is only through self-acceptance that Alastair is able to see Matthew as Matthew the Man rather than Matthew the Drunk that reminds him of Elias.

In the end, their budding friendship is only possible because they have done the work to better themselves.

[doulayogimama]

Considering that we didn’t get on a plane for 3 years (July 2020 was our last flight before I got pregnant - June 2023) I kinda cannot believe the amount of trips we’ve taken since we sold our condo.

Miami - NYC (Oct 2023)

NYC - Mexico (end of Oct 2023 for 3 weeks)

Mexico - Miami (Nov)

Miami - NYC (end of Nov)

NYC - London (December 12)

London - Amsterdam (Dec 13)

Amsterdam - Brussels (Dec 24)

Brussels - Porto (Dec 28)

Porto - Lisbon (Took a train early Jan)

Lisbon - Malaga (early Jan)

On Monday, we take a train to Barcelona

Then 1 month from Monday, we fly to Miami to stay with my family for 1 month

Kevin has been talking about the full eclipse for almost a year, and his cousins live in Cleveland (one of the only places that will have a full view) so from Miami we fly to Cleveland to stay with them for 1 week to catch the eclipse on 4/8). They’ve been asking us to visit them for years, so this worked out perfectly.

After Cleveland, back to NY. We plan to rent a place upstate for a couple weeks to skip Pesach (with all due respect, I will always try to skip that holiday; it’s so effing difficult and my husband will not listen to the stuff about Egypt so we just always skip out awkwardly and go to bed while people pray into the night).

During those couple weeks, we will drive around to scope out more plots of land for our Meditation Center.

It is INSANE to me that we’ve managed to do all of this. Grateful for the privilege but also to my rockstar of a 2yo. With any other kid, I’m sure this would’ve been nearly impossible. I can’t imagine getting this lucky next time with such a resilient + easygoing toddler. This is not to say we haven’t had our days of frustration (we def have) but for a 2yo???? She’s simply incredible. The best travel buddy ever 🤍

[absolutebl]

This Week In BL - GMMTV Holds the Line

Feb 2023 Wk 1

Being a highly subjective assessment of one tiny corner of the interwebs. Organized by which ones (in each category) I’m enjoying most.

When they say “famous last words” this is what they mean. 

Ongoing Series - Thai

My School President (Fri YT) ep 10 of 12 - They are so stinkn’ CUTE as bfs. Possibly the cutest. I chuckle a lot with this show. And that’s great, very serotonin inducing. Also 2nd half had good soapy drama tension with the music competition + the mom’s surgery at the SAME TIME (gasp). Can’t wait for next week.

Moonlight Chicken (Weds YT) 1-2 of 8 - Oh it’s great. Messy gays struggling with both internal and external conflict. It has a Taiwanese gritty queer authenticity to it. EarthMix are perfect for these roles. Khaotung is the most adorable thing ever. And GeminiFourth are fun to see as new characters. Fourth is showing off his acting chops, the way he holds his jaw and mouth for this more sullen complicated part - it’s completely different from Gun. His acting style reminds me of Nanon a bit, he’s very nuanced in his facial expressions.   

Never Let Me Go (Tues YT) ep 9 of 12 - 15 minutes of cute bf and dumb tattoos and then SUFFER! I love how quickly Palm put to rest your bog standard gay boy fantasies about a bisexual’s options. Palm was basically: “All the things that you dream for me with a woman, I can do that with you.” Honestly? I wasn’t that moved by the noble sacrifice of this episode. It was fine. More peril please. Looking forward to things going very very badly for the next couple of episodes. Bring on the pain GMMTV. 

Hit Bite Love (Sat YouTube) ep 3 of 6 - Baby Dom is quite the kink dilettante, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a kinkster with more varied tastes. Maybe baby just hasn’t found his true fetish yet? I feel for poor Shogun who just wants a boyfriend who treats him decently and ends up with Mr. Experimental. The humorous outcome is, of course, predictable. Not wild about the stepbrothers storyline (despite my taboo preferences). Really? I just want more King and Burger.

609 Bedtime Story (Fri WeTV) ep 11fin - With the exception of Mum, every character suddenly started acting totally OUT of character. Anygay, Mum comes back to find Dew single and all obstacles to their romance magically cleared. The pub staff setting them up was cute. But all in all it felt like we were suddenly in a completely different show. Series review below. 

I cannot believe we have 3 BL’s airing AT THE SAME TIME from GMMTV. It’s insane. I remember when it was exciting because we had 3 BLs airing at the same time at all.

Ongoing Series - Not Thai

HIStory 5: Love in the Future (Taiwan Weds Viki) ep 7 of 10 (or 13&14 of 20) - It’s an office romance BL, so I like that office politics is complicating matters for both of our couples. I personally don’t believe in scions (with very few exceptions, we know it tends to be bad for a corporation, and that has certainly been my experience). Still, it’s suitably traumatic to see our couples in angst over the power transition. The confession scene for the leads was very sweet. And a nice kiss. And cute bf. Taiwan always just does these beats better than anyone else. 

Candy Color Paradox AKA Ameiro Paradox (Japan Fri Gaga) ep 8 fin - K needed to realize O is a big boy. Yes we get it. Bummer he couldn’t figure out that for himself and had to be told by somebody else. I do feel sorry for the bartender character who keeps having to deal with all of these gay boys and their inability to communicate and resulting overdramatic depression. Meanwhile O needed to realize K needs him. And they both needed to learn to communicate, these… journalists. Good kiss and decent sex scenes for a JBL, with an HEA. Careful Japan we may start to develop expectations. I bumped up my rating on the strength of this finale. It was good! Series review below.  

Individual Circumstances (Thurs Viki) 7-8fin - I like the resolution and explanation for the conflict, a lot more than I liked the conflict itself. The kiss wasn’t awesome, but it wasn’t entirely dead fish either. However, Korea has proved that it can do better, so I was annoyed by it. Also, no shirtless scene this time around, we were robbed. Series review below.

The End Of The World, With You AKA Bokura no Micro na Shuumatsu (Japan Sun Gaga ep 2 of 8 - This is way too high heat for them to end it happily. It’s all v weird. I guess I’ll keep watching? Even if everyone dies, this one is not gonna ruin me the way Eternal Yesterday almost did.

It’s Airing But I’m Not Watching it 

My Beautiful Man S2 (Viki & Gaga) - Because there are only 4 episodes, I decided to wait and binge this one. What can I say? I just do not trust Japan. Sorry I’m too scared, those of you braver than I must watch first - I salute you and look forward to the gifs.

Egoist (Japan) cinema - Japanese movies are notoriously difficult to get ahold of.

Marry My Dead Body AKA Ghost and I Becoming Family (Taiwan) - movie about a police officer forced to marry a ghost.

Cafe in Love - Can’t find it 

Finished this week

609 Bedtime Story 

An interesting time slip concept and a great set up ultimately disappointed. It opened strong, on one of my favorite under appreciated Thai actors: Plustor (as Vee) in a side bartender romance with younger bisexual king, Games. Unfortunately, it went downhill from there. OhmFluke’s solid chemistry and romantically soft kisses were ill served by a reformed rake meets rich-kid cheater pairing. While it was nice to see Ohm play a part with more animated facial expressions, his was the only character that remained consistent. All in all, this was a confusing show about disloyalty and parallel worlds that never made sense or stayed true to its characters. A promising start, confusing middle, and disappointing end. I don’t say this lightly, but Oh My Sunshine Night is better, and OhmFuke deserve better than either. 6/10

Individual Circumstances 

A second chance romance between a movie director who was once promising and a writer who disappeared due to past hurt. Stars JunQ (main rapper of MYNAME) and Han Jung Wan (Mr International Korea winner). Reunion romances are not my thing but I liked the bratty director despite his stalking (and prob because of his naked chest). Using a guitar to torture someone is entirely appropriate, in my book/BL world it happens all too often. I did want to know what happened in the past but the mystery got drawn out too much and the tsundere character became frustratingly mean spirited as a result. I like the resolution and explanation for the conflict a lot more than I liked the conflict itself. I could tell what this show wanted to be, and what it could’ve been, but it simply never got there. In the end, like a host of other KBLs over the last couple of years, it is serviceable but eminently forgettable. 7/10

Candy Color Paradox AKA Ameiro Paradox 

Innocent but talented gay tabloid journalist partners (and falls in love with) a jaded player bisexual cameraman. This is a solid JBL of the more emo, cringe, and navel gazing variety that never really resonates with me. The main pairs’ chemistry felt weak and their characters were pat (for live action yaoi, I’ve seen or read this couple a million times). Bringing Izuka Kenta in to guest star was a stroke of genius and also challenging, because he has a complex history with JBL which I could not forget as I watched him EAT up the screen so hard he made the leads feel insipid. There were a lot of aspects of this show that felt more KBL than JBL. I missed the kinky edgy pushing boundaries we usually get from Japanese office romances. It did have a stellar ending (featuring a decent kiss and 2 nice sex scenes, you go Japan) but for me CCP was fine, just no more than fine. 8/10

Look you know how I feel about JBL, when it’s good it’s some of my absolute favorite (Seven Days, Old Fashion Cupcake, Minato’s Laundromat, Takara & Amagi), nothing else whips me into wit and eloquence and film crit like it, but when it’s off, for me, it’s really off. And Ameiro never gelled with me. It was too much work to watch. I don’t like chewy BL - nourishing and necessary though it may be for others. 

Gossip

Issues and Controversies of Thai BL Actors - I get asked about these a lot, so I’m just gonna point you all at this YT henceforth.

Viki picked up Boys Planet so I’m watching it. I have FEELS but I’m not going to ruin a perfectly decent BL blog with Kpop reality TV, no matter how pretty. Just know I’m over here suffering for 4 hours every week. SUFFERING. Some of the singing during the first ep alone was SO BAD it put Thai BL boyfriends to shame. I am so glad they got 3 vocal coaches in this show. People better vote with their goddamn ears and not just (as they did with iLand) much lower down. (Oo, I’m salty already.) 

In Case You Missed It

Feb releases list is here.

2023 forthcoming BL master post. (see comments some are inaccurate, NOT UPDATED)

Next Week Looks Like This:

I am so spoiled these days, now I’m upset there isn’t a good KBL airing right now. Do you remember when we barely got one or two a year? What a demanding monster 2022 turned me into. Anygay, 4 more Thai BL starting this week... 

Destiny Seeker (Tues WeTV ) 1 of ? - Feb 14 we think, MDL is janky on this one. Engineering student Songkram is head of dorm 3, for "strong & athletic" students. Aye is head of dorm 2, for the "good looking" students. Aye used to be Songkram's tutor and friend, but they fell apart after becoming dorm heads. Aye is actually in love with Songkram but thinks Sonkram likes someone else. Songkram actually likes Aye. So, Bad Buddy the pulp rebirth meets that weird Japanese “girls-crossdressing-as-boys for love and infiltrating secret society of hotness” tradition. 

Boyband (Thurs YT) 1 of 10 - Feb 16, it’s on the tin, BL drama about putting an idol boyband together. AKA how to make ABL suffer by combing favorite (celebrity romances, Kpop) and least favorite (bad singing) tropes.

Bed Friend (Sat YT & iQIYI uncut) 1 of 8 - Feb 18, but we’re looking for the rerun/uncut, so not sure on drop date for those. Fuck buddies get messy, AKA Between Us the second cuming, this time in an office (and on a desk). I have been waiting for James to hold down (or be held down in) a BL for years! Watch out, new kings of high heat are heading our way. 

Chains of Heart (Sat Gaga) 1 of 10 - Feb 18 Suspense thriller about a forest ranger, smugglers, memory loss, and lost love. Stars Haii (Cirrus in TT2) and Poppy (Porpla in YYY). Adapted from a Y-novel of the same name by TJ Tommy. 

Supposedly, but I’ve no idea where to watch it:

Jack Frost (Japan) - Feb 17 After saying goodbye to his friend, Ritsu had an accident and lost his memory. His roommate, Ikuya, struggles to rebuild their relationship and help him regain his memories. In the process, Ritsu falls in love with Ikuya, but he was unaware that they were already in a relationship.

Moments Of Love (Thai) Feb 14 Foremorfilm Production movie for cinema release. Was originally Golf (Director of 609 Bedtime Story & The Eclipse) to direct stars SmartJames (LeonPhob from Don't Say No) in a series. Is now something totally different and a movie. We are all confused.

THIS WEEK’S BEST MOMENTS

Open boys are the best boys. Never Let Me Go

Moonlight Chicken with ALL the zingers, plus verse characters. Thank you GMMTV! 

Why so cute indeed. My School President 

(last week)

Current Kpop earworm? Villain by Key (Shinee) just on hard rotation. It’s great. 

[aroacemisha]

Listen I'm trying to be supportive of RL Belos here, but if I was Evelyn and he tried to kill me I wouldn't be ten feet near that guy and I sure as hell wouldn't allow my children near him even if he was my BIL.

Did he try to kill her while she was pregnant? Did Caleb have to stop him? Did he ever apologise/make up for it? Because even though he's better in this au he still majorly annoys me like he does in canon and I cannot find it within myself to pity him much at all.

(Was gonna say this at the end, but I think it's kinda silly to follow an AU where a character you find annoying is one of the main characters and is thus heavily focused on. It's also a little rude to come and tell someone how much you dislike a character they really enjoy, it's better to keep that on your own blog. But I digress)

Anyways, I'd like to clarify some things here/give a more detailed timeline of the dynamic.

Evelyn has met Philip before. During her initial visits to the Human Realm, she (~18 years old) pretended to be human, and she befriended Caleb (17-18 years old) - and she was on friendly terms with Philip (13-14 years old) as well, although they weren't close. The relationship went on that way for a couple years, and over that time she started to visit more frequently (originally she started at once every few weeks).

When she finally revealed she was a witch, it was only to Caleb, and both were unaware that Philip was spying on them. Upon seeing her perform real magic, Philip didn't hate her at first, he was just scared. He didn't report either of them, and didn't tell either of them that he knew Evelyn's secret, but was becoming worried that she was dangerous to Caleb.

At one point Evelyn (~22) and Caleb (21-22) were found out and Caleb was about to go on trial, but Evelyn rescued him and they ran away to the Demon Realm. Philip (~18) later followed and found them a few months later, being convinced during his search that Caleb is in danger.

He tried to attack Evelyn in that initial encounter, and she was startled for a bit, before realizing that she can handle him if she just uses magic, since he's human and doesn't have magic of his own. That was also the only time he tried to attack her in that way.

After being calmed down by Caleb and, after a very long conversation, begrudgingly agreeing to give the Demon Realm a chance (for Caleb's sake), Philip remained hostile to Evelyn for a while, but that hostility was mostly bratty child behavior, feral cat behavior (growling, etc) and passive-aggressive prayers. She found some of it funny and once wondered if her beast keeping magic would work on him.

He'd get into some arguments with her, but wouldn't try to physically fight her, in part because he knew she'd just trap him in abomination slime, vines and/or stone if he tried. Caleb's presence was an additional mitigating/soothing factor.

She also figured that if Caleb could change his beliefs after coming from the same place, Philip likely could too, and if he isn't trying to murder or attack anyone, why not give him a chance.

She knew he was only hostile due to being indoctrinated as a child to believe that witches were evil, and only attacked her due to being convinced she was a danger to Caleb, so if that belief was to be dismantled, he would probably become friendly. And it did happen, and he gradually came to accept witchkind as a whole. Realizing his own queerness also contributed to his old beliefs falling apart.

The birth of Caleb and Evelyn's child also helped soften him. By the time the child started to say their first words and learned to call him uncle, it was really pulling on his heartstrings. At that point he was already on generally friendly terms with Evelyn and was allowed to hold the kid sometimes. He was already showing hints of his protective parental traits back then with how he treated the kid, although he would only become a parent himself many decades later.

And yeah, Philip apologized for everything at multiple points during his deradicalization. As for what he did to make up for it, given Evelyn's playful personality, she probably asked him to do something silly to entertain her as an apology. He'd also help her and Caleb fix stuff that broke in their house, and he was showing early signs of his interest in engineering, as he really liked fixing mechanical things.

They ultimately ended up becoming besties, and their personalities meshed well. They only drifted apart and eventually lost touch after Caleb's death, mainly through Philip drifting away, since he blamed himself for the accident in the mines and was particularly ashamed to be around the child.

Also the reason he continued trying to build the portal door even after he accepted the Isles wasn't because he wanted to go back (he felt safer and more accepted among witches), but because he wanted to spread the truth to other humans, and hoped he could change their minds too and end witch hunting, so no witch or human is harmed by them again (this later fed into his developing belief that the realms should be united). So he wanted to fix the systemic problem as well, although his expectations for how it would go and whether it would even work were too idealized.