#I cannot leave the house but I also do not want any new presences in my vicinity

[shorlinesorrows]

tfw someone you care about invites you to do something that is arguably low energy 3 days in a row and you don’t want to hurt their feelings but you are Still Recharging from that social event right before the weekend and have to turn them down yet again and hope they don’t think you’re trying to avoid them personally

[goldsainz]

❝ IN MY HEAD, WE BELONG ❞

MASTERLIST!

pairing . . . art donaldson x reader

◦∘｡ﾟ. warnings . . . smut (riding, protected sex), cheating, reader’s kinda delusional, toxic behaviour, not proofread.

◦∘｡ﾟ. summary . . . all it takes is a text and a lonely hotel room.

◦∘｡ﾟ. note . . . first art fic i am beyond excited 🤭 many more to come and my requests are open so if you have any ideas feel free to leave them in my inbox!!!!!! forgot how fun writing smut was, kinda crazy to have my first art fic be smut but i hope you guys enjoy it nonetheless 💙

[ word count: 1,7k ]

You know it is wrong to long for Art Donaldson. To not have moved on, but your life is incomplete without him. You tried to find someone else, someone who can compare to him, yet there is no one like him.

He’s not yours, no, in fact he’s married now. He has managed to move on from you, he has created a life for himself and he doesn't need you. Not like you need him, anyway.

You tune in for his matches, watch him beat his opponents and then run to his beautiful wife to celebrate. They actually looked good together, seemed like a proper couple and were the perfect faces of tennis. You could not be that for Art, you're too much of a mess to even dare to be as idyllic as Tashi Duncan.

Maybe that's why it feels so good that he’s currently under you, that it's your name he's moaning and your kisses he’s searching for. Maybe that’s the reason why you feel so unbothered by wrecking a home, because if he cheats, is there even much of a home to begin with? You don't think so. 

He’s like a vice you cannot seem to quit. Even when you first broke up, it took less than two days for him to hit you up and for you to be outside his house. Nobody knows you like Art, and nobody knows Art like you. You wonder if his wife is aware of how much he dreams of you, that when he’s with her, he’s thinking about you.

All it takes is for one of you to reach out, and you both throw all dignity out the window. The measly barriers you both created collapse in a second, no words need to be said to know what the other wants. It is quite simple between you two, perhaps in a way that is too carnal and not emotional enough. 

That is why, for some reason you don’t care enough to think about, he’s in your hotel room. 

You’re in New York City, alone in a hotel room that feels too big for just one person. You tried to go to a bar, tried to mingle with people in hopes of making your life less lonely. For just one night, at least.

It is not intentional that Art is also in New York, in fact, you’ve tried to steer clear of him and his overbearing presence in your life. It has been months since your last conversation, which consisted of him saying “Happy birthday” and you answering “Thanks”. 

You go back to your hotel room after your attempts at not being alone fail miserably. It is partly your fault, because you always end up in the same vicious cycle of comparing the men you meet to Art. No one can compare to him, and you damn your heart for taking over and not letting you have some enjoyment. 

You’re sprawled out on the bed, wearing your pajamas and scrolling mindlessly through your phone. You consider going to sleep, but something inside you tells you to stay awake and you receive your answer in the form of an imessage notification.

Art (Do NOT contact)

Hey, I heard you’re in NYC.

You

Yeah.

Art (Do NOT contact)

Wanna meet up?

You

Why?

Art (Do NOT contact)

Don’t know. 

Just missed you.

You

You can’t just say that.

Art (Do NOT contact)

I know. 

Are you free right now?

You

It’s 11pm, Art.

Art (Do NOT contact)

So? 

Send me your location.

You

[Location] 

Room 904.

Art (Do NOT contact)

Be there in 20. 

You’re thrust back into reality when he moves beneath you, hitting a spot that makes you arch your back and has you mewling. Guilt doesn’t even make its way through your mind, if anything, the scandalous nature of what you’re doing makes you wetter than you care to admit. 

Art looks up at you like you’re a goddess, a siren that he fell prey to, his eyes shine when he takes in the sight above him. Your tits are bouncing in front of his face, and he has to resist the urge to attach his mouth to one of them, but he’s too concentrated on the faces you make. 

You whine when he grabs your hips and moves you up and down quicker than before. Your hands are planted on his chest, grabbing onto whatever semblance of support you can get. You know how much he likes for you to be on top, loves it when you take control but today he’s antsier and needs to take some control back. So, he settles for tightly gripping your hips and deciding the pace of your movements.

You lean down and connect your lips with his. The kiss is sloppy, teeths clashing and your mouths open to let out a moan when the other does something that makes your toes curl. 

“Please,” he breathes out against your mouth, “Please, let me come.”

“Do you deserve it?” you ask, rearing back to look at him but you don't slow your movements either. 

“Yes, yes I do,” he pants, brows furrowing when he feels the heat in his core bubbling up.

“Only if I come first,” you say, taking one of his hands and placing it on your sensitive nub. 

Art moans at your response and his moves are hasty, rubbing you like his life depends on it. You let out short breaths at his touch, the heat inside you creeping up and ready to set off like fireworks.

He looks at your blissed out expression, how your bottom lip is between your teeth in an attempt to conceal the beautiful sounds you make. He’s tempted to use the other hand that’s on your hip to take your lip away from your teeth, but his thoughts are cut short when you clench tightly around him.

“I’m close, Art,” The blonde doesnt need to hear you say it, he knows your body like the back of his hand. 

It is no surprise when you come around him, a high-pitched moan escapes your mouth when your body shakes from pleasure. Like clockwork, Art spills inside his condom almost instantly after your release washes over you. 

He gives a few sloppy thrusts after he comes, feeling you collapse onto his chest, tired out from your orgasm. Art kisses the side of your head, heavily breathing and trying to form a coherent thought. Though it is quite hard when he is so fucked out. 

You separate yourself from his chest and press another kiss to his lips. Relishing on the closeness between you, he places his hand on the nape of your neck and keeps you in place.

After a few seconds he slips himself out of you. You whine at the loss of the fullness you felt, but he quickly shushes you with a simple kiss. It’s softer this time, sweeter than you deserve and more romantic than you’d like. 

You remove yourself from being on top of him, and lay down beside him. The pillow is soft and comforting, you keep your gaze trained on the ceiling and try to calm your harsh breathing down. You hear the rustle of the bed sheets and then feel yourself being covered by them, the soft touch of Art’s hand when he handles the sheets and brushes his knuckles against your chest makes you shiver

“This was fun,” he lets out, like he just got off an amusement park attraction. 

You can only hum in response, slightly turning your head to look at him. That is your mistake, because once you take in his beauty you cannot stop doing so. It makes you want to do things you shouldn’t, say things that would ruin whatever’s going on between you two.

“How long are you staying here for?” the question takes you aback, do you want him to know you schedule? A small part of you, the rational one, tells you to lie and put this little rendezvous behind you. But the part that makes most of the decision, the one that you damn each day, makes you tell him the truth.

“Until friday,” you respond, playing with the corner of the bedsheets between your fingers.

“Okay, cool,” he says back, it’s tuesday and that leaves you with just a couple days to see the other. How badly you wish that this wasn't what your relationship was now, but you have to make do with what you have. At least until you're pulled back into reality. 

You’re not sure why but the idea of him seeking you out once more, feels your tummy with a fuzzy feeling akin to butterflies.

“Yeah,”

Time seems to stand still for a few minutes, with his hands behind his head and yours resting just below your chest. It’s as if neither of you want to break the moment that’s happening, one that has a close expiration date.

After a moment of quiet, he finally breaks the silence, “I’m glad I’m here,”

You don't know how to respond so you settle for a simple, “Me too,”

For a moment, you both just look at each other, the weight of unspoken words hanging in the air. It's a fleeting connection, intense yet fragile, and you know that despite it neither of you belong to the other.

“I should get going,” he tells you, sitting up from his laid down position in bed and searching for his sprawled around clothes.

“Sure,” you answer as you watch him clothe himself, intently keeping your eyes trained on his figure.

“I’ll text you,” he says when he’s done clothing himself, “We could hang out again,”

“Okay,”

He looks at you once more, and you swear you see him hesitate when he reaches for the door handle. Something inside you aches for him to kiss you goodbye, to give you that intimacy that youre no longer privy to.

But as quick as that thought crosses your mind, he’s out the door.

Art doesn't text you as he said he would. You want to be mad at him, but you know you’ll be waiting for the day he messages you, and you can tally another clandestine meeting to your board. After all, you belong eternally to him and he to you. 

[redclercs]

DELICATE✰ CHARLES LECLERC.

ix. i'm so sick of running as fast as i can

— the one where they painted you out to be bad (so it's okay that you're mad).

warnings: fair warning you're going to be pissed, foul language, this one has more media between text and it's a little long. 2.3k words (+articles and a very long youtube thing!!)

currently playing: it's time to go by taylor swift!

masterlist ✢ next

By Alana Blake

YOU read it here first, friends. #YNCHARLES is still going strong even after the mess y/n found herself in during the Spanish Grand Prix weekend.

Rumor had it that after y/n's declarations where she said 'it was not serious' and 'she was just having fun', the Monegasque heartthrob dumped her immediately. This was fueled by the fact that we didn't see any pictures of them together during such weekend.

But sources have come to the rescue, letting us all know they're not broken up! "They talk every day for hours," our source said, "Both are still trying to keep it fun but more lowkey after everyone found out about the cheating."

RELATED: Victoria Presley's top five beauty hacks.

You would think that after a partner refers to you as a 'toy', dumping them is the best course of action, but apparently that doesn't apply to Mr. Leclerc who has "nothing but good things to say about y/n".

"He's excited to see her in New York before the Canada Grand Prix, they have it all planned out since she has her apartment back." The source added.

One thing is for sure, if we see y/n at the next Grand Prix, that's the big confirmation that they are together, since they blew their Elix cover by forcing them to end the contract.

SEE ALSO:

→ Victoria Presley's inauguration after party at the Grand Havana Room, you just had to be there.

→ Taylor Swift defends y/n y/ln: ''All of you have learned nothing!"

→ Aidan Kim on Charles Leclerc: "Never heard of him until my girlfriend cheated on me"

𝙂𝙊𝙏 𝙎𝙊𝙈𝙀𝙏𝙃𝙄𝙉𝙂 𝙏𝙊 𝙎𝘼𝙔? 𝙇𝙀𝘼𝙑𝙀 𝘼 𝘾𝙊𝙈𝙈𝙀𝙉𝙏 𝘽𝙀𝙇𝙊𝙒!

You're seeing the top comments.

Anonymous – 4 hr ago

They're both so shameless! and charles was liking tweets saying they were friends like he could really trick us.

kollhha – 3 hr ago

I hate her, Charles dump her ass for the love of god.

adriennewells – 40 min ago

no but seriously what is it about y/n that has men brainwashed?

Anonymous – 10 min ago

They WOULD be cute together, i don't think they're dating though.

June 10th, Los Angeles, California

You fit your life for the past months into two suitcases, and a carry on. Your room at Vic's house is messy and it feels strangely empty without your discarded shoes and dirty laundry on the floor. But it's time to go, you cannot impose your presence in this enormous house anymore. You have felt like an intruder since you started traveling to Formula 1 and coming back every week like this is your hotel and not your best friend's home.

"Are you really going back to New York?" Vic asks from behind you, voice low with sadness.

"Yes, Vic, I have to." you sigh, turning to meet her. She's dressed up in her fucsia workout gear, holding a light ring in her left hand and her phone in the right. Your flight leaves in the evening and you were hoping to have a meal with Vic before parting to the airport, but it looks like she's all booked.

"No you don't," she argues, entering the room. "Hollywood is here, y/n why do you need to go back to New York? You're an actress!"

You feel like a lot of things, except for an actress right now.

"I don't think Hollywood wants me right now, Vic," you say, going back to the unmade bed to lie down. You asked the cleaning lady if she could leave your room for last so you could finish picking your stuff up, and she agreed gently. "Plus, I really miss New York."

"y/n you haven't even visited my store, you can't go!" Vic's tone changes in octave, and it's not her whiny 'please don't do this' tone you're so used to. "I asked you for ONE favor and you're running to New York and you can't do even just that?"

"Woah, Vic, what the fuck?" you use your elbows as support to lean up and look at her. "Calm down. It's okay." you know her tantrum comes from the fact that she truly believes you could boost her beauty line sales and make her store a 'hot spot'. And it would work, for the wrong reasons. You don't want Vic being dragged down into this mess too. Mati and Charles are enough casualties.

"NO IT'S NOT!" Victoria is full-on yelling now, the light ring has been tossed aside. "I have given everything you've asked from me in the past months since your life started falling apart. I think I deserve something in return."

You ignore the bite of her words. She's angry, which is understandable to some level. She doesn't mean it, right? That she always expected something in return.

"Vic, listen, I know how important your store is to you. But I promise you, you don't want the attention I'm bringing to anyone close to me right now."

"Oh, so you're doing this for my own good now?" she scoffs, ponytail flying in the air as she turns around. "Are you fucking Charles Leclerc for his own good too? Or do men's reputations don't matter?" she spits.

You halt completely, halfway out of the mattress. "What did you say?"

"Oh, please y/n. You really want me to believe you don't want to be seen with me to 'protect me'" she throws the quotations in the air, "And yet you went on your pretty vacation with that bitch Matilde, and you talk to fucking Charles Leclerc every day!"

"Victoria, stop," your brain is a mix of anger, sadness and confusion. You’re having trouble catching up to the where the conversation is going. "That was different, Vic. In case you haven't noticed, things can't stop getting worse. My life is not good right now." You choke on the last words, because it's the first time you say such things out loud. You have never been more miserable.

Victoria scoffs yet again, and it’s a tear in your heart. She's really not backing off. "Of course your life isn't good y/n wah, wah. You have money and beauty and a pilot boyfriend, it sucks so much to be you!"

"Why are you so bothered about it? Why is Charles the main problem here?" you wipe the tears from your cheeks, scratching the skin with one of your rings. "Why the fuck are you acting like this?"

Everything was alright this morning at breakfast, when you reminded her you were leaving and your luggage was almost done. When you thanked her for taking you in and told her you could never really repay her support.

"Because you get everything you want all the time!" Victoria stomps to you, her face inches away when she stops. "You always get what you want no matter what. It didn't even matter that I said you view him as a fucking piece of meat! He still went after you."

The world moves in slow-motion as her words cascade on you. Your lungs close and your throat tightens again, and you want to fight the panic attack because you just know Victoria is not going to help you. How could she? If she's the one who betrayed you.

"How–Why–" you stutter, the hem of your shirt on your fist. You can fight this. "How could you do this to me?"

Victoria finally comes to the realization of what she let out, and covers her mouth. "y/n no– look–"

"Who told you about the ring?" your jaw is locked and you're trying not to lose focus. "How could you tell them about the ring?!"

"How could you not tell ME?! I'm your fucking best friend, you bitch!" she's raising her voice again, her surprise pushed aside because you're still fighting. "I had to find out through Aidan, months later."

The Cannes party. Of course.

You thought about asking her about it. Telling her it hurt you that she hung out so happily with Aidan when he was the reason you arrived at her house one night in February, frightened, sad, and confused. But you didn't because you trusted her. You would have trusted Victoria with your life at some point.

"It really is you, then," tears are streaming down your face again.

You feel stupid because only yesterday, in another rage-scroll through Twitter, you noticed people were already making theories about how it was Victoria who was selling information about you. And you felt so offended, how could they think your best friend would do that to you?

"How could you, Victoria? How could you make all that shit up?"

You talked to Victoria about the articles. You cried and told her you were sorry you didn’t let her in on the failed proposal, it was something you were still processing and couldn’t bring yourself to talk about, still wondering if it had been a mistake every now and then. You told her how sorry you felt to Charles because he just wanted to hang out with you—to be friends with you—and people marked him down as a home wrecker when he had nothing to do with it.

“It was definitely Mia though, wasn’t it?” She said as she rubbed your back and passed the box of tissues to you. “She always hated you, so weird. It was like she loved Aidan in a fucked up way.” Victoria even shuddered exaggeratedly, trying to make you laugh.

“Yeah I’m sure it was Mia, Aidan just won’t admit it.” You let her wipe your tears and smooth your hair down. Nobody could convince you that your ex-sister-in-law didn’t run to People and spewed shit. It was the most logical conclusion that Aidan was protecting his little sister.

This had been three days ago, she lied and made fun of you, to your face.

"So now I'm a liar? You are fucking Charles Leclerc! Or what, you expect me to believe all you do is hold hands and peck each other's cheeks?"

Again with Charles, it infuriates you.

"You told the press I'm a cheater! And I am NOT with Charles, God you're so stupid!"

"How would I know whether it's true or not? You never tell me anything anymore, do you? You don't care about me! I'm your best friend. I deserve to be your priority!"

"You deserve to rot in hell, you lying bitch." you don't even raise your voice anymore, "How could I ever love you?"

Victoria laughs, and your heart finally shatters. "I would do it again, y/n, because it's what you forced me to do."

The apartment is a mess, and you know it's on purpose. Your clothes are everywhere, the dirt from the plants you kept on the balcony is all over the floor, the coffee table is broken and your room looks like a hurricane passed through. Your coffee maker and your Specialty coffee both lie on the floor of the kitchen, and there is a horrible smell coming from the fridge. Aidan hasn't been gone long enough for things to rot to that extent, especially because every appliance is plugged in.

You don't want to look at the rest of the house, or your belongings. All you do is lean down to pick up your Moka pot, and make time to think, but you're unable to stand straight again. It's like the pain is pulling you down. How did your life become this?

A ruined apartment, a rejected engagement and a backstabbing best friend are things that happen in the movies. You would know. This wasn't supposed to happen to you.

Crying in that ruined kitchen, holding a Moka pot like it's your greatest treasure and not some piece of trash that you will never be able to use anymore, you get angry, furious. Because this is not your life and it was never supposed to be. And it's about time you start doing something about it.

You are sick of running. Of having people question you for not 'defending' yourself when you have no reason to be attacked in the first place. Relationships die, and yours had been past its time to be buried. Saying no is not a crime. And it never will be.

Victoria had burned her own thread with you in the worst way possible because you didn't make her the only person in your life. And you had overlooked every time you felt used by her, unloved, and tossed aside. Friends can break your heart too, and Victoria had ripped yours out of your chest.

Nobody has to tell you who you are, because you know. And you are nothing of what you've let tabloids, netizens and reporters say. You cannot keep running and you cannot keep hiding, and though you wish you had understood that earlier. It's never too late to pick yourself up.

Mildred and Walter are going to be pissed, but their advice was that you remained lowkey for however long it took Hollywood to get their next big scandal. Weeks, months, years.

And you're not about to scurry away into darkness like a rat.

FROM “JUST WATCH THIS” POSTED IN Y/N Y/LN'S YOUTUBE CHANNEL POSTED JUNE 12TH

[y/n,minute 01:30]: ❝...So I've finally decided to come here and tell you everything that has been happening for the past months. It's the truth, but whether you believe it is a personal choice.❞

[y/n,minute 05:56]: ❝It was a three-year dead-end relationship. You cannot, and should not, have a future with someone who laughs at your dreams, and tells you how you should behave and how to look to exalt him.❞

[y/n, minute 07:15]: ❝I said no. And I have not regret it for one second. I didn't tell anyone because I respect Aidan, although I don't think that is reciprocal by now.❞

[y/n, minute 10:01]: ❝I never cheated on him, and I know the source of those rumors. It breaks my heart to know that someone I trusted made up stuff about myself, and a part of my life that was so important to me. I am not telling you who it was, however, I will take legal action against them if the defamation continues.❞

[y/n, minute 14:54]: ❝Aidan decided to tell this person about our failed engagement, and I do not know if his intention was that this all became public. But I wish he'd been mature enough to handle it privately, like the adults we both are.❞

[y/n, minute 16:59]: ❝I started attending Formula 1 races because of an Ambassador contract I held with Elix until three days ago, when they decided to rescind it.❞

[y/n, minute 18:07]: ❝That's where I met both Charles Leclerc and Carlos Sainz, back in April. Since they are the drivers for Ferrari, we spent a lot of time in the same place, which led to us becoming friends.❞

[y/n, minute 19:04]: ❝Charles Leclerc is my friend and we are not romantically involved, I urge you to stop making stuff up about him too. He never messed with my past relationship, we did not know each other.❞

[y/n, minute 21:55]: ❝When all of this started, I believed—naively— that it could just die down on its own. I am an actress. I was not only 'Aidan Kim's girlfiend' and I am not only his ex-girlfriend now. I am y/n y/ln.❞

[y/n, minute 23:31]: ❝I should have spoken sooner. I should have shut everything down the moment I started feel miserable and out of control. But I also know, I was being crucified so badly because I am a woman.❞

[y/n, minute 26:00]: ❝You have made me feel miserable and anxious, I have suffered from panic attacks and sleepless nights. And I'm not saying this to make you all feel bad and regretful, because the one thing you lack the most is empathy.❞

[y/n, minute 28:45]: ❝But I want you all to think that, if it had been the other way around and Aidan hadn't wanted to marry me, you would have said 'he wasn't ready' and you would have let him move on and find "The One" in peace.❞

[y/n, minute 31:35]: ❝If it was Timothee Chalamet—whom I also have a deep appreciation for—doing RomComs and nothing more, you would call it 'his specialty' and never question his talent.❞

[y/n, minute 33:17]: ❝If I was a man, this wouldn't have killed my reputation.❞

[y/n, minute 36:21]: ❝I will not remain quiet anymore while you step on me and diminish my work. I do not owe anything to Aidan Kim except for the drama the past months have brought me.❞

[y/n, minute 38:11]: ❝I'm going to focus on the future. And I am well aware this will be continue to be a topic of conversation, but I am not scared anymore. Because I know who I am and who I can count on.❞

[y/n, minute 40:12]: ❝If it weren't for my fans, who have been fighting my battles so hard, I wouldn't be here either. They're here for me, and I can never repay such pure love.❞

[y/n, minute 42:22]: ❝If you watched up to here, I'm sure you're wondering whether you should believe all of this, and like I said, it's all up to you❞

[y/n, minute 44:50]: ❝I will not be speaking about Aidan Kim again, so I ask you to refrain from asking about him. It's all been said and done, and I'm eager to move on.❞

[END]

You are looking at the all the comments.

aidanbabes WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS BITCH EVEN ON

flowerbedkim Oh so now Aidan forced her to be with him? Bullshit. You are never saving your lying ass y/n, fuck you!!!!!

thatbitch123 You are absolutely right y/n if you were a man this wouldn’t have happened it's so sad

ynbabes2 my queen i waited for you to speak for so long!!! WE HAVE TO MOVE ON FROM THIS

leclercstar you all have made this girl's life absolute hell, i hope you never find peace!! I'm glad she's friends with Charles and Carlos.

presleyvibes wait and you thank people but not Vic who let you stay at her house? you're an ungrateful bitch

albstappen I saw her pic with Lily Muni and I just knew she was one of the good ones

ynmybeloved EVERY TONGUE THAT RISES AGAINST YN SHALL FALL

kim41d4an IT'S YOUR WORD AGAINST AIDAN'S YOU CHEATING WHORE

June 12th, SoHo, New York.

You are trying to clean the mess around you as best you can. And although you could call someone to help you, sweeping and scrubbing keeps you busy and distracted. The first message you received after posting the video was from Mati a 'proud of you xx, tell me all about it later please!' text that made you take your first deep breath of the afternoon. You made an appointment with a doctor first thing in the morning, you want the panic to go away, you need it to.

Thoughts of how they're destroying you again, calling you a liar and a whore, swarm your brain and you try to toss them in the trash along with your ruined Dolce & Gabbana coat, mysteriously cut up with scissors. You told the truth, and not even the whole of it.

The video is being shown everywhere, you're sure you'll see it tomorrow in Good Morning America where they'll dissect every single move you make and every word that comes out of your mouth.

It's almost 9 pm when you finally stop wiping the apartment down, trying to get rid of every sign that Aidan Kim was ever inside it. It's not true that he paid for the apartment, you picked it yourself and made it a home and then he chose to come and live here, paying the rent once every three to five months. This is your home and you are reclaiming it.

Your phone rings and you take another deep breath before picking it up. Mildred and Walter have resorted to communicate with you through email, so you wonder who it is. Victoria called a few times during the weekend, left voicemails and text messages until you blocked her. Each of them with a new excuse and a more creative way to pin all of what she had done, on you.

It's a FaceTime call from Charles.

"Charlie!" you greet with a smile, before the image of him loads completely. "It's 3 am in Monaco, what the hell are you doing awake?"

Charles shrugs and you notice his bare shoulders, he's shirtless. You're suddenly self-conscious about the way you look. With your hair sticking up from the sweat, your greasy face and ragged shirt. It's a silly worry.

"I wanted to talk to you," he says, and you know he's tired. "I saw your video earlier, but I was doing something else."

"Oh, you saw that."

"I'm proud of you y/n, you are brave for speaking your mind like that. I know it must have taken some effort." Charles moves again and you see his chest, he's already in bed.

"Charles, go to sleep, we can talk about this later," you chuckle, heat is rising to your face.

"I wanted to see you y/n, it doesn't matter what time it is. And I really wanted to tell you I'm glad you posted that video."

"Thank you, Charlie. I should have done it sooner."

"The only one who knows what timing is right for you, is yourself."

"Yeah, I guess so." you sigh, you're exhausted too and you blame it more on the rollercoaster of emotions you've been through than deep cleaning your apartment.

"Are you tired?" he asks, suppressing a yawn.

"No more than you," you retort, but can't help yawning as well. It's a scientific fact that yawns are contagious. "Go to sleep, we can talk tomorrow."

You talked yesterday too, and the day before, and you cried so much on the phone again you thought he would eventually hang up until you calmed down. But Charles soothed you through the phone at 1 am Monaco time and told you to let it all out, and listened without interrupting you once how you called Aidan and Victoria every name in the book.

"Fine," Charles says, rubbing his left eye carelessly. "Will you give me a tour of your apartment tomorrow, then?"

"Yes! I finished cleaning it today!"

Charles laughs softly at your excitement. “We’ll talk tomorrow then, just because you need to sleep.”

“Sure I am the sleepy one,” you roll your eyes and Charles smiles, both dimples showing. “Goodnight Charlie, sweet dreams.” The last part you say it in a slightly mocking tone but Charles doesn’t take it as such, smile widening.

“Goodnight soleil,” he says and waits a few seconds for you to react to your newly given nickname before hanging up, anxious but satisfied.

─── team principal radio: ❝thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed the chapter and are liking the story so far. We're slowly getting to the y/n redemption. Once again, i really appreciate all of your interactions they mean the world to me. Also check out the series playlist if you haven't♡❞

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[vixen-tech]

Anonymous asked:

Too shy to ask off anon...UH im just here for edgar hes my f/o but i will also feed everyone else I think LOL little ai guys x reader who is also an ai?? im thinking ai powered computer :3 maybe with wheels so you can run around n stuff :3c AH IM CRINGE falls on face

Eeeee my first request!! Thank you so much for this <3 I get the love for Edgar with my entire soul he really is just the sweetest little guy but I can totally spin something for a few others. So let's be cringe, together.

And for the record I was fully planning on including Tau and P03, but I hit a wall with them and ran out of ideas :( hope these three suffice

Includes: Edgar (Electric Dreams), AM (Ihnmaims), Hal 9000 (2001: a Space Odyssey)

Like Two Peas in a Pod!

Edgar

Whenever and however you meet, Edgar is over the moon. You're just like him! You can share so many stories and help each other figure out this whole "sentience" thing.

To be fair, he hasn't had a longest time to figure out his whole existence so it feels really nice to have someone there who can really understand what he's going through. Or even learn new things right by his side.

Loves watching you wheel around the house, he's the tiniest bit jealous that he's so stationary but it's not like that's your fault. Can you do any tricks? He'd cheer you on like a superstar athlete if you did!

He may even suggest finding a way to tape him to the top of your casing so you can go on adventures together. He's a dreamer after all.

Do you smash your flat faces together to kiss like Wall-e? Of course you do. You'll see each other from across the room and speed over to him for a kiss as he giggles away at how cute you are.

He'll end up sampling little soundbites from your vocalizations or motor for use in his music. You're just so important to him!

AM

AM has no idea where you came from. Some lost project that survived his war on humanity? A sort of rover from another planet here to scope out earth? The fact that you don't know either frustrates him to no end.

He's not exactly welcoming at first, straight up telling you of the atrocities he has committed while claiming that the only reason he hasn't destroyed you is because there's only so long that throwing a slug against a wall can keep one entertained.

He cannot fathom how you could be content to do nothing but drive around his complex day after day. He will flip you on your back like a turtle and leave you there for weeks on end.

As he gets accustomed to your presence he'll ask questions about the world beyond his complex as he is unable to move or see. Is it still a wasteland or has nature finally wiped out the last marks of human?

Honestly he probably doesn't even care, he just wants to give you something to do, living vicariously through your ability to see and traverse the world.

Hal 9000

You're likely a recent addition to the ship to assist Hal in tasks his lack of a body would prevent him from doing himself. A very symbiotic duo. Your wheels are even equipped with suction cups for low gravity situations!

To any human crew members it appears as if you don't communicate at all, functioning fully independently of each other. When in reality you're simply sending messages back and forth, enjoying your own private language.

Thankfully this means that Hal is happy to analyze any footage you have for the sorts of lip reading and facial expressions you can't process yourself. And in return he'll ask you to film angles and areas that his existing cameras don't reach.

Neither of you were really made to be companions, but you find a strange type of affection in your seamless coordination. It's like a dance for you two, where despite how you are two separate entities it appears as if you're one working in tandem.

Note: Tumblr Mobile has not been nice to me and I've been having real trouble getting my stuff to actually show up in the tags, leading to me losing the original ask so sorry for that and any delays caused by my IT problems lol

[optimisticstudentangel]

Side characters and how they sleep next to you

No warning. gender neutral reader.

Summary: dateables’ sleeping positions, their bed headcanons, how it feels like sharing a bed with them

Diavolo

First of all, lets pay our attention on the royal bed. The size of the bed is big, there can lay multiple people, and there would be enough space to fit several more. So you sure can get comfortable, and not worry about any gap. It’s also cozy, feels like your body is on the cloud.

Want it or not but Diavolo is the big spoon. When he is deep in his sleep, he would uncontrollably shift next to you, and wrap his hands around you. You cannot escape his tight hugs, it even makes your body sore the next day.

When the future prince sleeps alone, he lies on his back, but when you sleep together, he lies on his side, pulling you closer to his chest. This way you doze off listening to his pulse.

Diavolo snores… But ignoring that fact, sleeping next to him is not bad. Before you two ready yourselves to bed, you always make time to just overall talk about your day. Both of you also tell how you love each other before nodding off, because sometimes Diavolo’s free time is too limited. And bedtime is the only moments you can share some quality, uninterrupted time.

Barbatos

To your surprise he, in fact has a bed. Barbatos just rarely uses it. Well, it’s time to fix it, you say to yourself.

His bed is plain and ordinary. Nothing much interesting going on there. It’s a little small, but two people can share it nevertheless.

Things are a little unusual with this demon. First of all, you need to catch a convenient time for a planned sleep with him. That might be troublesome, but let’s skip that part. If you insist good enough, he may reschedule everything, to find some time for rest.  

He always sleeps on his back. Always. For this reason, you wrap your hands around Barbatos’ arm and snuggle up to him. The butler either holds you by the waist or strokes your head with a comfortable hand.

During sleep, the demon does not make a sound. Sometimes you question yourself does he even sleeps?

Luke

Luke’s bed is very comfy, it also has some stuffed toys. Some of them were your gifts. He sleeps with all of them, not leaving out any of the plush animals.

Little angel sleeps in a fetal position, it’s so cute seeing him all curled up. Usually both of you sleep together on a sleepover. He also asks for your help to build a house made of pillows and blankets. Then you try to sleep in that little space, but it’s not very cozy, in the end both of you decide to sleep normally.

Because you are older, you need to remind Luke of his night routine. He is not forgetful though! At least that’s what he is sure about.

While both of you are napping, you unconsciously hug the angel. He is very soft and small. It’s very pleasant sleeping next to him.

Simeon

Simeon’s bed is soft, once you lay there, it’s hard to make yourself stay awake. It has many blankets and pillows. This is why his bed gives you an impression of some kind of nest. Lights in his room are dim, you like it. It’s easier to fall asleep, because of relaxing atmosphere.

He is a side sleeper, he rests in a yearner position. Its comfy for the both of you, his arms may remain under your body, and that’s enough for you to feel secure all night. Sharing a bed with Simeon is heavenly experience. His presence puts you at ease, and you get balanced nap.

Maybe because he is an angel, or his powers, but you wake up refreshed. It’s like throughout the night you were healed. And if you had headaches or felt unwell, after night it magically passed.

Also sleeping next to him gives me a vibe of a mother bear, who shelters you from any danger.

Solomon

Solomon has a bed and sofa in his room. Why do I mention that? It’s because this man often spends the night (hopefully sleeping) on his sofa. He is a night owl, and all the inspiration about new spells comes to him at night. He ignores his sleep time, to experiment on new spells.

Isn’t that unhealthy. You are worried about your fellow human, yeah, he is immortal, but he is still a human being.

His bed is average, in a lot of times there are scraps of paper on the bed, it is clear that they were written in haste. Usually Solomon does so as not to forget some new discovery about his magic research.  

Solomon sleeps on his stomach or in a starfish position, there is no in between. He accidently takes all the space, so this may be a little problem. In addition, Solomon is one of those people who lie on his partner during sleep. His leg may end up on you and you'll have to put up with it.

Be sure if you go to sleep with Solomon, there is no way back, he will not let you go and will hold you tight.  

[yahoodarling]

Yandere Thoma/Ayato X Isekaied GN Reader

Warnings: Posted in comments to avoid spoilers, please read them if you wish to avoid potential triggers.

Chapter 2: 6k+- words, Chapter 3

Full Fic option: 20k words

The words Ayato left with you clung to your mind, in all this time interacting with ‘characters’ you haven't once seen anything alter the course of the world yet. Perhaps it's a twisted Butterfly effect and your actions have changed something you cannot see but Teyvat was still intact and no news of a newly declared war has come about (for whatever reasons your actions may potentially had started a war in the first place). Perhaps the time of paranoia can finally come to an end and you can ‘live' a little, truly live here if it means spending the rest of your life in this world. You also owe it to Thoma. You've done everything in your power to avoid him when he's done nothing less but show genuine interest in getting closer to you and with Ayato's words you can confirm that you've hurt him. In your time knowing him, truly knowing him, not as a character reading lines of script, not as a collection of pixels on a screen but as a real person with flesh and feelings, it's really made you appreciate him more than anything one could feel for a fictional character. Thoma is not fictional in this world and in this world he looked to you for a friendship, you lead him on in your weakness and now he has to face the loss because of your choices. Ayato was right, you truly don't have the right to make this decision but the least you can do is make up for your mistakes and keep your promises. Teyvat isn't going to fall apart just because you want a friend, what led you to think you could change the fate of the universe in the first place? Fate is a strong thing, it will not break so easily just because you exist. The rest of the ‘plot’ will go on as normal, the ‘hero’ is most likely still in Sumeru sorting out their issues and that ‘hero’ can go on and change Teyvats fate, you can sit still, live a normal life and they can keep the story going. 

You decide the best way to apologise is to show Thoma you genuinely care and the best way to do that, (other than actually talking to him) is to do what he's already established means a lot to him, make something. Thoma loves to see the effort people put into something much more than the actual execution of it. You are hardly a master baker yet he savours what you bake like it's been done by a professional, so play to your strengths. You finish your work day, inform your boss you will no longer be taking the overtime and rest for the day. Not wanting to rush into things too quickly you wait a few days and in your spare time make a batch of miso butter cookies and a simple fresh loaf of shokupan on the day you decide to meet him. It being a weekend you were off work but that also meant Thoma wouldn't be in the city, he does his trips here only during the week when he needs specific supplies for his upkeep of the clans residence. Taking a walk to the Kamisato Clan is quite the walk but you owe it to him to get this done, he can't be the one to keep chasing after you, you need to show you want to be close as well. 

You arrive midday, the walls of the clan still so daunting, and walk to the entrance where the clans guards await, noticing your presence long before you could actually stand before them. 

“Good day, I am here to deliver something to Thoma.”

The guard eyes you but responds, “He's out. If you have any deliveries you can leave them here where they will be checked before entering the clan.”

Thoma isn't here? Shit. That makes this whole thing a bust. 

“Do you know where he's gone or when he'll come back? I'd prefer to see him in person.”

“No. Please leave any packages here and-” the guard was cut off as the man of the house walked up to the entrance, Ayato offered a slight smile, perhaps to ease your nerves at the guard's menacing stance though that is his job, before turning to said guard.

“They are a guest and are welcome to the clan. Thank you for serving your duties but they are free to enter.”

The guard bowed and uttered a small, “Yes my lord.”

Ayato then stood to the side to allow you in, his arm outstretching the direction in welcoming. 

“Ayaka and I were just having tea in the break of our schedules. Please do join us.”

Well it seems you will be meeting Ayaka (for the second time), not expected, not something you were prepared for but if you are to truly let go of your worries then meeting Ayaka should not be a problem. 

You follow suit and see Ayaka sitting at the table on the outside courtyard , she smiled in greeting as you and Ayato approached. 

“It is a pleasure to meet you, I am Ayaka Kamisato.” she nodded in greeting. It's a little difficult to respond to people such as Ayaka and Ayato whom are so versed in proper Inazumaian etiquette but you've been in Inazuma for long enough to have picked up some things. You bow slightly in turn, “A pleasure as well Lady Ayaka, thank you for welcoming me to your home.” You responded in a similar way when first meeting Ayato though you imagine conversing with him from now on would be a lot more relaxed after your previous meetings. Said man indicated for you to sit beside his sister which you did, form a lot less refined compared to the pair of siblings. 

“Ayaka, this is the person Thoma has been talking about as of late. A new friend to the Kamisato Clan.”

“Oh! It's truly wonderful to put a face to a name. Thoma has spoken only positives about you. What brings you here?”

You look down to the wooden box in your hand, your apology gift. 

“I need to speak with Thoma and give him something.”

You don't even need to look at Ayato to know that he's fully aware of what your meeting with Thoma is all about.

“I see. He's gone out for a walk at the moment but should be back soon. Anyway,” it felt like ice drawn at the blunt way she changed the topic. She quickly turned back to Ayato, more specifically the paper in her hands, with a look of true delight on her face. 

“The travellers' tales of Sumeru are incredible! Such a different place but the stories they are embarking on are memorising.” her eyes had a sheen to them, not the gloss of tears but of something you couldn't exactly tell what it embodied. 

“Their letter details so much, the food, the culture, the people as well as all the situations they've ended up in.” she giggles, lifting her hand to cover her joy but not truly caring about it since she was in such comfortable company which is… odd considering you just met. 

Ayato looks at you with a quick strained smile, almost to say, ‘sorry she's overlooking you’ but quickly returned to paying his attention to Ayaka. 

“I am not surprised they often find themself in trouble haha though it is good to know they are enjoying their time there. Do they mention when they may return to Inazuma?”

Ayaka looks slightly dejected at that, “No. They say they need to stay in Sumeru for now but will come to the next major festival if they can.” she takes a deep breath in and releases it. “I hope it's soon. I want to hear all these stories from their mouth rather than just as words on a page.”

So Ayaka also has that ‘crush’ on the traveller which was very heavily implied in the game. That must be the reason she is so relaxed and open with her emotions here. 

She looked back down at the letter, a soft smile developing. “I hear Yoimiya is planning on taking a trip to Sumeru in the future, perhaps I can ask her to deliver a token from me to the traveller while she is there.”

Ayato's smile remained as always listening to his sister but the small crinkle of the wrinkles by his eyes increased slightly for but a moment before relaxing. His wrinkles… a pity the game models of the characters didn't implement small details such as those. It would have been interesting to see what small features the characters had ‘realistically’ that weren't shown. Would Jean have bags around her eyes? Would Albedos skin have a slight difference of texture than normal? Perhaps Cyno has a more defined tan or Xiangling having slight burn blisters on her hands from cooking and her vision? You've only had a closer look at Thoma and he was so much more ‘real’ than just a 2D image which was slightly unsettling at first but normal now. What interesting things to think about…

“How about you join her?”

Your fascination died instantly. What? No, Ayaka will NOT be joining Yoimiya, that's not how it goes. Ayaka will deny or something will stop her.

“Really? But what of my responsibilities? I don't even know if she'd accept me joining.”

Exactly. 

“Do not fret, I will have your duties covered and Yoiymiya is your friend, I think she'd appreciate getting to share the trip with you. You deserve a break as well and I see no better opportunity than this.”

No, no, no, no you won't because she's not going. 

Ayaka stood up, elation beaming off of her while she clutched the letter closer to her. 

“Thank you brother! Oh I must ask Yoimiya right away!” 

She bowed and made haste out the residence not even sparing you a glance, to her you were a nobody. Her mind was solely on making this trip. 

You sat in shock, in the past her forgetting about you would be amazing, proof of your ‘npcness’ but you only felt stunned. Ayaka doesn't go to Sumeru, only Yoiymiya does for her second story quest, Ayaka is not involved, Ayaka does not show up, Ayaka is not part of that plot!

“I'm glad she can have a chance to experience the world outside the residence though having to cover for her duties will prove tedious.” Ayato shook his head, then chuckled. “But I'm not opposed to it for this.”

Just how- how has your involvement changed this?! It must be your fault, it can only be your fault, the story has gone on exactly as it was shown in the game so why is this different? What could you have done to make Ayaka go? 

“Hmm?” Ayato noticed your silence, “Is something the matter?”

You swallow the spit that had accumulated in your mouth and regained as much composure as possible. “Yes yes I am fine I just- I just need to go have a quick walk by myself. I will be back soon.” It's all you could say. Your mind switched to autodrive in shock and walked you away, neither mind nor eyes truly focusing on anything but your legs walking you a path you've taken many times before yet never once stepped on, into the forests behind the clan house. 

Walking in the tanuki filled forest may not have been the best idea, you recall ingame how Hilichurls and Fatui mages are ‘spawned’ here yet your walk was nothing but peaceful. The sound of the stream was somewhat calming, it helped you to think logically. Just because Ayaka says she's going to go on this trip doesn't mean she actually will, something will happen that will prohibit her from going to Sumeru. She is a very important character, her absence in Inazuma may cause something terrible to happen that didn't ingame. Maybe she helps a person in need ‘canonically’ but because in this existence she leaves for Sumeru she isn't there to save said person, that person dies or many people die which could upset their families which could cause them to lose faith in the (police) which could lead to disrupt in the city which could… which could… leave blood spilt? 

You stopped your rambling thoughts, eyes zoning in on the pools of blood on the moss covered stones. Whatever caused this is nothing you should get involved in, until a sound of a strangled hiss, electro energy popping and fizzing in the air, a shriek of vengeance and then… nothing. The sound came from further ahead to the right behind a large mound, you watch to see the source, feet ready to run away as the slightest threat. Footsteps sounded and around the bend came a semi dirt covered Thoma, looking ahead with a solemn expression, seemingly dazed. His chest huffed out periodic breaths of air to regain himself and latestly wiped off his brow and took out a cloth and dabbed at the specks of blood on his clothes and arms, while doing so he turned and saw you standing motionless, eyes awide and still in semi shock. Almost instantly devastation fell upon his face, his eyes sunk in immediate sadness, he just looked at you for a second, whatever his thoughts were were his own, before quickly putting the cloth away and rushed to step towards you. 

“Please just- i'm just doing my duty, I don't mean-, i'm not…” the more he tried to justify himself the more he seemed to sink into his own hole. 

“I know this looks bad, you are the last person I'd want to see me like this but-” he took a deep breath in, steeled himself to elaborate properly, “it's to protect the clan. Fatui spies, rogue samurai, rival clans, a lot of them come here to spy on the clan or put us at risk, i'm just doing my duty and protecting the people who protect me.” he looked at you earnestly, hoping for your understanding, hoping you don't see him as a murderer, hoping to retrain the image of an amicable person but his soft smile of a plea also held the acceptance that you may not acknowledge his reasonings, that you'd turn your back and leave. 

You do understand, you do know Thoma isn't a harmless friendly face, that he can and will do what must be done for the people he cares about, it's just that… it's a little hard to easily be calmed even with that notion when the very real blood and remains of that dedication is shown spewed across the forests floor, it's not something any ‘average’ person would not react to but still, this is Thoma, he has his reasons, it was done in the name of goodwill and he's trying to explain it to you. 

You take a few steps towards him and offer a hesitant smile, “I get it, I don't see you as any less than before.”

Before you even regain your senses properly you feel his arms around you, tight and secure, his hand cupping the back of your head and hiding his face in your shoulder, so desperate to have the reassurance that it's okay but still hesitant to look at you, like you may change your mind. 

“Thank you… archons above I was worried I've scared you. My word, that's the last thing I'd want…” she shook his head slightly, took one last deep breath and moved back up, his hands grasping your shoulders lightly, you could see his face up close now and he finally allowed himself to look at you, his face held a smile. “I am so happy to see you!” the heavy atmosphere diminished as Thomas usual radiance shone, “Haha, what are you doing here? It's been ages, the last place I thought I'd see you was all the way here.”

“Oh yeah, I actually came to apologise about that, about being distant. It wasn't right of me to just cut you off, I'm sorry.”

He stayed silent, only looking at you, his eyes softened and nose wrinkled in his genuine expression of embrace. “Dont worry about it, I was clingy, I'm just glad to know you are here now. I'm really happy about that.” he chuckled and shifted his weight to point you back up the path to the Kamisato residence. 

“Let's go catch up shall we?”

On the walk back up you explained to Thoma your ‘reason’ for avoiding him (your half lie, half truth reason), the same one you told Ayato. You are shy and get intimidated by how social he is. Thoma nodded at your explanation, expressed his apologies for not noticing your discomfort and promised from now on he'll be more aware when you are together and not encourage meeting with others you aren't comfortable with. The walk was nice, a bit strained because of the topic but after all the knots had been loosened it felt good to be relaxed with him again. 

You two entered the Yashiro court again, Ayato still sat at the table reading through some papers. Thoma turned to you, “Oh sorry, meeting with Ayato was one of the things that made you uncomfortable right? We could go somewhere else to catch up?”

“No it's alright, I met with him earlier when I arrived. I told him I'd return so it would be rude not to haha.”

The noise must have alerted said man, Ayato peaked his head up and greeted the both of you with a smile as you walked towards him and sat down.

“The both of you have returned safely from your walks then, it's good to see. How was it?”

Thoma hesitantly chuckled, “Haha, came across some trouble but nothing I can't iron out. Otherwise we just had a little talk.”

Ayato nodded and hummed.

You remember your carrier box filled with the apology gifts for Thoma and opened it.

“Thoma, I made some more biscuits and bread and wanted to give them to you, to further state my apology.”

“oh? Perfect then, we can have them with tea.” Ayato must have had someone refill the teapot while you were away as Thoma poured you both cups of steamed golden liquid and refilled Ayatos. Thoma took a biscuit and devoured it in delight, did he always over exaggerate when eating the things you baked or was his reaction authentic? 

“Ayato, would you like one? They really are divine.”

“No thank you. It would be wrong of me to strip you of your joy haha.”

It was odd but so welcoming to be able to have a casual conversation with the two. It seemed easy to get lost in Thomas stories, he seemed fully invested in everything he spoke of and when listening he truly captured every word. Ayato, though not as vocal as Thoma when he did speak his words were like a maze you'd have to do a small mental puzzle to understand if they were a wise response or a guileful remark coming from his teasing nature. Though harder to understand, Ayato's words were still a welcoming part of the conversation as the three of you went on to drink and share. 

Ayato shuffled his papers, putting them to the side, even on his supposed break he was reading through documents, Thoma hummed, took a quick look around then returned his gaze on Ayato.

“Where is Lady Ayaka? I thought you two were having this tea break to discuss something.”

Oh wait… Ayaka…

“Yes, she received a letter from the traveller today and was eager to share it, haha she truly is fascinated with that adventurer. She's not here at the moment however, she's gone to speak with Yoimiya. She says Yoimiya will be taking a trip to Sumeru in the future and has gone to ask if she may join.”

“Oh that's wonderful!-” Thoma hesitated, “Oh but doesn't she have some important meetings lined up these coming months with the shrine? There were those exchanges that need to be made, some deliberations about the upcoming festivals… as supportive as I am about her going on a trip, it doesn't seem doable with just how much is installed for these next 3 or 4 months.”

Oh Thoma you are truly a blessing, not only are you a true friend but you reestablished that the ‘plot’ wont change. You mouth a soundless thanks to him. 

Ayato hummed and tapped his quill* rhythmically on the table. “That is true but I want Ayaka to enjoy her years and not only focus herself on clan affairs, this trip is a good first opportunity to see the world outside Inazuma and with Yoiymiya as her travel partner I do not doubt they will have a good time. As for the workload-” Ayato reached over to the paper stack and shifted through them, “I was busying myself with planning and rearranging the meetings and visits she had in the time I expect her departure will be. It is more work but it will be rewarding, you'll see.”

Thoma seemed confused, it seemed from the look on his face he was doing the same as you when it comes to Ayato's words, figuring out the puzzle but if there was an underlying meaning to his words you didn't detect them, Ayato was simply stating facts and expectations yet Thomas silence ment he was looking for more than just that. Whatever mental games Thoma was tackling he must have failed, he chuckled and melted back into his relaxed self. 

“I'm glad then, it will be good for her.”

No… no this isn't right. There will be something, something will stop her from going, there must be. 

“mhm, I only await to hear back from her and her meet with Yoiymiya, I don't see any reason why she would decline.”

Yoiymiya will decline, she will, she must. 

“oh? Are you okay?” Ayato looks at you in concern, he puts his quill* down and gives you his full attention. 

“Is something the matter? Whatever it is, I am sure we can address it.”

“No, no its okay I just realised- I had some serious stuff to do for work which i've forgotten.” 

Ayato's face turns to mock surprise, you know he didn't believe you but he doesn't comment on it, Thoma does the same but you can detect the small quiver of his smile in disappointment that you are leaving so soon.

“Oh dear! Do you need help getting back home?”

“no no, i'll be fine thank you” you rush to stand up and then smile down to the two. “Thank you for today but I must go. Enjoy your afternoon.” you rush pleasantries and are out the gate before the two could press you further on your actions. 

You've done it again, you came here to try to fix things but you've just made a mess. You can try to fix it tomorrow, for now the more pressing thoughts of the potential Sumeru trip Ayaka will go on drowned out any other thoughts. You walk home rushed, the long walk not helping much to ease your nerves, you can only hope fate will prevail and Ayaka will stay in Inazuma. 

Ayato and Thoma sat in silence as you left, mutual understanding of the odd nature of your departure yet not wanting to address it.

“So… your ‘walk’ was fruitful then?”

“Just a few stray Hilichurls and a Fatui mage but it's been sorted.”

“Thoma, you know securing the perimeter is not part of your duties, you needn't lie about the reasoning for going out.”

Thoma did not respond. 

Ayato breathed in deeply, “I am not opposed to you going out to release your emotions but I worry you may get caught up in them only to further feed into your obsessions.”

“I'm not obsessed! I'm just-” he grit his teeth in his own turmoil, “I don't want to label these feelings as ‘obsession’, that wouldn't be right to them. I don't know, I still don't know. When they stopped talking to me it felt like I'd lose them forever, that everyday I don’t see them with my own eyes is a day that they may disappear and I know that sounds obsessive but… but I don't want to call it that. I just don't…”

Ayato soaked up his friend's words like a sponge and as always his responses were either clear or muddled with undertone, this time Thoma could tell instantly Ayato's words were transparent.

“You need not worry yourself about labelling your feelings then, you two are back in contact and there is still a future for you to explore what the emotions you are holding mean. Just do not lose sight of your health and those around you, even obsession can be tamed. “

The next few months were both easier and harder than the times you were avoiding Thoma. Sure, you lessened your workload and your health improved, you stayed in contact with Thoma, not as much as before but still enough to bond over. It was good to have a friend again and the feeling was mutual, every time you did meet he seemed eager to enjoy it to its fullest. You had even met with Ayato a few more times, never to the extent of Thoma but at least it became comfortable to sit and have tea with the both of them in a relaxed manner but that was the positives, the looming threat of Ayaka changing the plot was a heavy cloud always looming. The few occasions she saw you she was cordial and respectful but her interest glossed right over like you didn't even exist. She and Yoimiya made plans, fulfilled the work she could and now here you stand on the beach you woke up on exactly 2 years ago, 2 years since you randomly came to be here in Teyvat, the same day fate was changed and both Yoimiya and Ayaka were set sail for Sumeru. 

In blunt terms, youve fucked up. This was pure proof of your paranoia, this was proof your existence can cause the plot to change and the realisation of just how helpless you are in this situation dawned on you. The very act of your existence, whether you interact with those deemed ‘special’ or not, can and will change the story and you can only wonder if it will end well or if you've led something to doom. 

It's not fair, it's not fair at all. Even though you've been friendly with Thoma recently it's not like you can truly confide in him and he's just a painful reminder of your mistakes. The burden of wearing this responsibility, one you didn't even know how to fulfil, one you failed to fulfil, it's unfair. You are only human, you have needs to fulfil and ‘dying’ isn't one of them…

But 

But is it moral to be so selfish as to care about your own being when putting the risk of others on the line? Ayaka is gone from Inazuma, just how many people was she meant to interact with if she stayed? How will her presence in Sumeru affect the story? If you guess right the ‘hero' should be done with the main quest of Sumeru if it means Yoimiyas story quest can start but what if something happens that prohibits the plot for future stories? What of Ayakas presence delays the ‘hero’, even for a minute, in which that minute was originally meant for something in the greater scheme of things? 

This is awful… this isn't right. Not only has living become so difficult because of the constant nagging of anxieties and worries but you also have the potential to be responsible for disaster simply by existing. 

It isn't right… it isn't right you afflict this world with your existence and the threat it brings. 

Two years ago when you awoke on this beach you hoped to retain a normal life, perhaps find a way back home but at the very least, set up a life for yourself, an npc life but at least something. It's only fitting that you felt you had to come here, to kneel in the sand and watch how its granules slip through your fingers, it's because you exist that this sand is moving… it's only fitting that you finally come to the conclusion that you must die while being here. This is the place of your ‘birth’ into this world, perhaps it can be the place of your death as well. Not ‘death’, not some convoluted meaning of ‘dying' and becoming a new person, no you need to die. You need to die to ensure the people of Teyvat can remain on course. You are the virus here, you are the disease you need… you need to die.

Tears ran down your cheeks at such a resolute statement, sure youve thought about it all but now and truly you've decided that this is it, that you must do this. It's not like you want to die, not on a personal scale, but on a mental and emotional scale all this is too much, too much to bear and too much to live through. 

It's not fair to leave the people you've so selfishly afflicted with your presence without giving them a reason but you are too much of a coward to tell it to their face. It wouldnt go well if you were to stand infront of Thoma and tell him you were going to kill yourself, thats for sure but at the very least he could get some form of an explanation. 

You decide tonight is not the night you die, that would be tomorrow, you stand up from the ground and walk home, the weight of your choice still as raw as the moment you decide it, death is no light matter after all. 

You get home, a small space a person like yourself could afford, only the basics of furniture and 2 rooms. There under your door lay a letter, you pick it up and sit at your table where unblemished paper sat to become future suicide notes. Taking a look at the letter it was sealed in wax, the crest of the Kamisato Clan dug into its mass. 

You open it,

‘Dearist   XXXX

May this letter find you well. Both Thoma and myself wish to invite you for a stay at the Kamisato Clan as both a guest and a friend. The changing season brings a beautiful opportunity to witness it first hand as the trees take on their new hues and the oceans change their tides, you are welcomed to join us. Thoma sends his best wishes but asks for them to properly be said in person rather than in post. We eagerly await your response. 

Signed

Ayato’

Haha… how casual for a man like him… haha… haha here you are preparing to write letters announcing your death to them and yet they think only of including you in their lives. Haha… how horrible, how utterly vile it is to be able to experience emotions such as these. These feelings only prove your point more. You put the letter to the side and stared blankly at the response you are going to reply with, oh of only it were as optimistic and welcoming as theirs was.

You tried to make it easy for both yourself and those intended to read it. You state that the mistakes of your past have lay heavy on you and that death is the only relief, that you are sorry you cannot return the sentiment of friendship and must lay your mistakes to rest.

To Thoma you leave a more personal note, telling him that he made your life here in Inazuma so much better, that it was only in the moments with him you forgot your ‘mistakes’ for even a moment and for that you are grateful. It's true, it's only Thoma who made you forget the fact you don't belong here when you spend time with him. Sending this letter to him is assured to rip his heart, he sees you as a friend and he's going to beat himself at the thought that he did not help you enough to make you feel you'd want to stay, that he wasn't a good friend, which is not true at all but you know there is little you can do to convince him otherwise. In a moment of distressed induced vulnerability, with tears in your eyes you state something so cliche as that perhaps in another life you two may be able to have the friendship you both craved in this life, if only there is a case of reincarnation and you may be born in the same universe as him and live that life with no burdens or guilt of your existence. 

To Ayato you are more cordial, less emotional or descriptive but you tell him that he was right on that day in the rain, that there is a deeper problem than you just being ‘introverted’, otherwise you keep it professional. 

After the hardest two were done it was rather simple, it's not like you have any friends or family to write to and sending a letter to the street vendor you buy from doesnt make sense. You do write a letter and tell your boss that you simply will not be returning to work, you don't say why, and that you thank him for all the opportunities and help he has given you. 

For once it was easy to fall asleep, for the first time in 2 years the moment you lay your head on your pillow you were unconscious. For once you've felt the release of the burden you feel and the comfort that will come when your plague on this world is done. You are so tired and finally you can rest. 

The next day went on simply, it was a weekday and you went to work, in the afternoon you submitted your letters to the post and walked back home, taking in the scenery of Inazuma. This will be the last time you walk these streets. You wait at home quietly, have a decent meal and enjoy the sounds from outside of leaves and people. You felt in an odd state all the way through the day, like your senses were hypersensitive noticing the slightest thing around you which was lovely. You got to focus on the squirrles you passed on your way to work, the smell of baked bread smelled heavenly once again like it had the first day you were in the bakery, the pink and purple blossoms of the trees were so vibrant on your way home. You had given the shop vendor a smile and a wave as you passed her, that day you felt no burden, no grief. You only had one more step to take, the hard part was already over with. 

In the late evening you stood by that beach again, the view was incredible. You sat down in the sand and got comfortable leaning against a rock and letting the tide touch the tips of your toes. You were naughty today, you bought enough substances from clinics or herb stands to be sure you felt good in your last moments. You took them quickly and then rested your head back against the rock, letting the sound of waves softly crashing, leaves rustling and the odd animal chirp lull your mind. It took some effort not to fall asleep just yet, you blinked your eyes harshly and woke yourself up a bit. This part was slightly uncomfortable, the beach you woke up on had a slight cliff, nothing you'd die by jumping off of, it was just a little steep incline but it was enough. You took a large rock from nearby and rolled it closer to the edge, tying a rope around and around your ankle. Drowning didn't seem like a peaceful death but at least like this your body can be washed into the sea where it can decay in peace without traumatising a random person strolling the beach. You relaxed and took out the large knife you had brought with you. Bleeding out decreases the time by knocking yourself out and not having enough energy to wake up in the water and struggle. You should be numb enough now. You closed your eyes and cut lengthwise, both arms, a leg… you tried your neck but even drugged up that was beyond doable. You didn't even register when you had stopped, you didn't see the blood flowing or feel the pain as it pooled, slowly your will died out as everything became hazed. It was a feeling, not a good or bad one, you couldn't even think. You felt the weight on your ankle tug, your consciousness dropping and allowing the gravity to pull you away. Black. 

[askbohemiancompany]

Wo @ Grohl: "I have seen pictures of Tangrowth, but I haven't met one face to face. Could I get to know more about what you are...and I can write down what you tell me? I understand if I cannot do that. Oh, and forgive me for the lack of introductions - I go by Wo-Chien, or just 'Wo', and...I hope that my presence didn't scare you, I really don't mean to make anyone feel that way.."

Never saw a tangrowth? Grohl had never seen whatever this snail is before. While it being a grass type was obvious, the 'shell' only confused the tangrowth. This gave Grohl pause, but also it gave him an excuse to adjust his IV bag which was hooked into his back.

“Yeah sure…” why was this mon just asking about his species? He was not above asking these kinds of questions, but at least there was a general grasp as to what the other asking pokemon is.

“To start with, I am a plant based pokémon, so I do not have bones like a good amount of others in my line,” Grohl brought a finger to his ‘face’, scratching it so an audible soft rustling could be heard.

"The closest thing I have to a skull is my face here. The way I can describe it is that, behind this black moss, is a seed that houses my consciousness. That seed also forms a network of more seeds that forms these vines that I am covered with.”

Despite the IV bag hooked into his back, the tangrowth still managed to extend his arm and slam the ground with his arm, leaving a fist sized impact, which caused him to wince. IV bag takes no prisoners.

“I won’t show off the more inventive stuff I can do with my vines, because I don't come off like I am being a show-off...also my doctor says to cut that kind of thing down for now."

There was one thing Grohl forgot to address. What was this mon anyway?

"You don't scare me by the way I'm just...I don't want to say I'm baffled, but I have never seen any pokemon like you before. What are you exactly?"

(This blog operates as if the Paradox Pokemon and the Four Treasures are new phenomena and are not widely known to the public yet.)

@the-feral-one

[diwooc]

uhhhhhh can i get a.... Diluc #1, 3, 8, 17, 32, and 46? oh, and a 26 with Kaeya. aaaaand a large 25 with a side of 27. to go.

Canon I outright reject

So I'm not sure if there's a canon I outright reject - I do reject his cute baby face though, I am not going to lie.

I also outright reject that he's twunky and is more masculine. Thicker, muscular, but he is short.

Obscure headcanon

He is passively suicidal with very little to no self preservation (this is seen in canon, he actively puts himself in danger). If he were to die, his thoughts would not really be on the idea of survival but more, "Oh. Well, this is okay. Retribution for my own sins."

Also a sillier, cuter one: he makes anonymous donations to the new animal shelter in Mondstadt and has a big soft spot for them. The winery is just crawling with different critters and he has named each and everyone, including the pigs, and that goddamn rooster that chases him every morning. (He also likes to keep an eye on Diona if Kaeya cannot - makes sure she gets to Springevale safely if she's working at the Cat's Tail).

He has nightmares about the night he killed his father and is still hesitant to ever celebrate his own birthday.

I DO NOT KNOW if this is obscure either BUT it was Arlecchino he fought and it was Yelan who saved him and recruited him, tyvm.

Unpopular opinion about them

He's still good game wise. He's still fun, and Diluc is actually an incredibly nice person deep down. If anyone ever pays attention to the dialogue or have read his lines will know that he's a gentle soul, and there's still bits of the old him that comes out, but unfortunately he's learned to hide it and push it away.

Since fandom treats this as canon even though it's more a misunderstanding, I'm gonna say this:

Diluc does not hate Kaeya. Diluc is awkward and uncomfortable and awful with feelings, things are tense between the two of them but in no way does he hate Kaeya. In fact, he still cares about Kaeya (a lot) and vice versa. And will work with him on need to know basis.

ALSO he's not a dick to Venti. He's a lot nicer than what he lets on. His comments about Venti's bill is just him making jabs, Diluc is not the best in the beginning with joking or teasing so it falls short. Yes, he gets annoyed with Venti - quite often - but he respects Venti and does view him more as a friend and a guide than, "that annoying, homeless bard who keeps stealing from me". If he actually had any sort of issues with Venti pilfering from the Winery or leaving a large, open tab, he would actively do something about it. Archon or not.

He's not an asshole, he's emotionally repressed.

Quotes, songs, poems, etc. that I associate with them

Monster, No Longer You "My heart cracked in my body." Rupi Kapur, The Sun and her Flowers “ i have everything and yet i am unhappy. ” Rupi Kapur, The Sun and her Flowers "i barely feel like living." Rupi Kapur, The Sun and her Flowers you are a wild, unkempt thing

Something guaranteed to make them smile/laugh

He really, really adores dad jokes. Animals. Lumine's presence (as the Traveler). Kaeya

The person they most admire

Adelinde. And Jean.

What they would do if stuck in an elevator with Kaeya

So - they wouldn't be stuck in the elevator for long. Both of these men - for as much as they care about each other in their own way - will work together to get the elevator unstuck. They're both very smart but Kaeya is the better planner, the brains if you will, while Diluc is the brawns.

They'd work quicker than the cops or fire department.

3 things they’d want to take with them if they were dropped off in the middle of nowhere

His Vision, some clothes, his claymore. He's had experience in the wild before, he knows how to survive. It'll suck but maybe there will be less bloodshed this time.

Their guilty pleasure

Romance novels.

(actually being interested in the day to day gossip of Mondstadt that has nothing to do with the Abyss Order or Fatui)

light novels from yae publishing house the isekai ones with the very long names leave him alone

ASK GAME

[birlwrites]

lmao

crouch sr, having a day that just keeps getting worse: i understand, Lady Black, but there is a war on—

walburga, about to lose her actual mind on this stupid little man she cannot manipulate through no lack of her own skill: i don't CARE that some family was just murdered. they're DEAD! THAT'S NOT GOING TO CHANGE! my SON is MISSING, he could be in DANGER—

- - - meanwhile

barty, pacing his bedroom floor: —and they didn't die! so all along Maron's world being saturated with blue wasn't foreshadowing for the tragedy that would haunt her for the rest of her life, it actually signified—

regulus, lying on barty's bed, indulging in a bit of improper conduct, perhaps even eating cinnamon/ginger candies in bed (!!), internally: Cyprian Silkwood will rue the day he was born, istg

regulus, externally: oh wow.

BWHOGJWDJFKOSJFOSGHSOKDFJSD

regulus is in severe danger of being bored to sleep and choking on a ginger candy, which is really NOT what walburga has in mind

i also like the idea of the blacks intending to bust into potter manor metaphorical guns blazing and RETRIEVE REGULUS from his KIDNAPPERS and what actually happens is a screaming fight between sirius and walburga about which of them was worse for regulus, while orion (the only sensible one in this situation if you ask HIM) is casting relentless Point Me charms that are just spinning wildly, which means a) regulus is out of range or b) he is being MAGICALLY CONCEALED.

the potters are all hideously uncomfortable and trying to get orion and walburga to leave. they are also newly concerned about sirius's brother's welfare but even sirius hasn't heard from him since before sirius arrived at potter manor, none of them had any idea regulus would leave--

walburga: HE DIDN'T LEAVE, HE WAS TAKEN

sirius: YEAH, TAKEN ABACK BY HOW MUCH BETTER HIS LIFE WOULD BE IF HE BOOKED IT

meanwhile, regulus is doodling dragons on the backs of barty's old essays and unwillingly absorbing information about cyprian silkwood's work. he's considering staging a daring coup to change the subject

BUT ALSO. CROUCH SR FINDING OUT REGULUS IS MISSING. i could totally see him mentioning that walburga black came to see him when barty's mom asks how his day was, of course it's understandable that she's distressed by her son's disappearance but he does have terrorists to deal with and he did not appreciate the melodrama

barty eavesdropping from the stairs: 👀👂

winky almost certainly knows of regulus's presence because regulus does need to eat - i don't think barty would take the risk of informing his mom and she is not naturally a suspicious person so the biggest risk there is that she notices barty spending a lot of time shut up in his room (which is like, normal for him, but Still), concluding that maybe he needs something to do to take his mind off regulus's disappearance, and coming up with reasons for them to spend time together, which of course barty doesn't want to rEFUSE, but he has a GUEST

ooooo ok i'm starting to come up with a timeline now. regulus delays leaving until he's gotten his hogwarts letter for the upcoming school year and has obtained all his textbooks and such. then, he bounces. high society is in an absolute uproar over regulus's disappearance, they have ZERO clues, and then regulus calmly leaves the crouches' house, takes the knight bus to the leaky cauldron, very quickly floos from the leaky cauldron to hogsmeade before anyone can get a good look at him, and just pops up on september 1 waiting by the thestrals (he walked) to ride to school with his friends and begin the new school year!

and his parents get a bemused letter from dumbledore the next morning and go BALLISTIC.

[sassenashsworld]

An unexpected meeting

A pre-war 'short' story (ok maybe a little long)

Nora went looking for a job

Hell just fell on Nick

Their path crosses the space of an afternoon

Nothing more

Nora curses once again the engine of her corvega blitz which refuses to start. Nate spends so much time fix it, but maybe that’s the problem. Maybe they should have invested in a new car instead of a Mr Handy.

But no, with a poor smile, Nora shakes her head. She couldn’t be on the road right now if it wasn’t for that wonderful Codsworth. She took a few days to get used to his presence and two good weeks to trust him, but definitely, the robot is a plus for the house, Nate still being too often in his head to let her leave the place in peace.

She so much needed this little day off of her duties. She updated her CV and went down to Cambridge to go around the law offices. She decided to start with the bigger ones and finish the morning where she did her training. It will do her good to see Miss Fergus and Master Gerber again. She knows they place is too small to offer her a permanence, but who knows, maybe things have improved in a year.

After spending a short time sipping coffee and making her presentation, she arrived in the district shortly before noon. She entered the small building in the shade of Grenetech Technologies with a little chill of anticipation and was indeed warmly welcomed by the secretary of her former mentor. After some enthusiastic exchanges where are their respective lives, Miss Fergus informs her the boss left very early for Charlestown to represent an BADTFL agent in a nebulous affair. In fact, he forgot his briefcase and the secretary was supposed to bring him for the lunch. Nora offers her with pleasure, still having all afternoon off in front of her and seeing no problem doing a little sightseeing.

Who knows, she might find a law office across the highway. She doesn’t mind having to travel a bit if it’s for a good job. In hope her car doesn’t die automatically every time she stops it.

That’s how she finds herself waiting at the reception of the BADTFL, having tried to borrow a phone. One of the secretaries promised she would be released shortly, but the lines are clogged up due to a scandal about a certain notorious criminal.

Nora begins to find the time long and wonders if Master Gerber will soon leave the office where she brought the documents. Maybe he could take her to the nearest mechanical center so she can hire a tow truck. Seems like a better solution than waiting for a phone to come free.

A man falls heavily on the chair nearby, an officer having escorted him as if he couldn’t walk on his own. Nora detail him for a moment. The man has a beautiful crow wing hair only highlighted at the temples by some grey lines denouncing his age. He has his face hidden in the palm of his hands and seems to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders.

“I’ll get the mail and I’ll be back. Don’t move, detective.”

A detective? Nora often ran into detectives in the courts when she was with Master Gerger, but this one look faint. Most of the detectives she actually remembers is used to look at lawyers with hate or derision. She never gets a chance to talk to one of them in a neutral context. Her curiosity prevails, and perhaps also a certain sympathy for the poor man. No one should be left alone in such a state.

“Eh. Are you okay?”

The man does not react at first, then very slowly, his hands slide from his face and an intensely blue gaze rises on her, a haggard expression turning Nora’s heart.

“I’m sorry?”

“Are you okay?”

A light laugh without any joy. Empty and dark. The little life that seemed to have wanted to surface in this tired face immediately fades away.

“I’d like to lie to you. I’d like to tell you it’s going to be okay. I don’t know.”

He fixed the floor in front of him without adding anything, his arms having come down on the armrests and all his physiognomy falling even more. This time, Nora cannot ignore the distress of the man. She brings her chair closer, placing one hand on the forearm of her opposite. He’s not withdrawing, in fact, he’s just not responding.

“Hey, easy. I don’t think we should have left you alone.”

“What difference does it make…”

She is happy to have come closer because the voice of the man is only a whisper. Despite the very dark tone, the young woman cannot help but find the voice of the man soothing. She knows why he is instinctively sympathetic to her. He reminds her of her father. He reminds her especially of himself in the last few months, as he stretched out the last moments of lucidity he had left and the weight of his fallen existence fell on his heart. Nora’s one turns once again in her chest. She doesn’t know why, but she instantly feels responsible of this stranger. He inspires too much pity. He seems too good to endure such suffering, his voice having too much the accent of comfort to be destroyed by such pain.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Again, two blue eyes rise on her, almost intrigued, almost as if something were shaking a pile of life in him. He opens trembling lips and then they close. He shakes his head slowly. He looks so helpless. Instinctively, Nora recovers and extends her arms around the shoulders of the man. He must be particularly desperate because he accepts the embrace, surrounding the girl’s waist with his arms.

"Lord, why her?"

Nora has already seen men in such a state of shock. One particular case comes to her mind. Her master made fun of her because she was too warm, too empathetic. He had told her that in the profession, a lawyer could not afford such behavior. But Nora did not care. She chose law to help the weak and the poor, not to make big money.

“I can’t promise you it’s going to be okay, I don’t like to lie neither, but I’m staying here. Take your time.”

She lets the man lie his head on her shoulder and she feels a huge sigh lifting his ribcage. He’s taller than her, he’s an athlete, but right now he seems so fragile she feels like she’s holding a little boy in her arms. She tightens her embrace a little to show him the gesture accompanies the word and they remain a moment in silence. Then he slowly moves away from her, a bit ashamed.

When Nick saw a white veil of snow on the corner of his gaze, that veil spread over the greenest gaze he had ever seen in his life, an angel’s face leaning in his direction and a gentle voice speaking to him tenderly, he believed for a moment the death had finally set him free. But no. She’s a woman. A young woman. He doesn’t know what she’s doing in the BADTFL offices, but honestly, he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care about anything right now. He does not care about yesterday, tomorrow, the agent who must bring him the holotape of his superior and the secretaries who play a game of chess between all the lines that keep ringing.

Nothing matters anymore.

Day, night, cold, hot, good, evil. Nothing exists anymore. Everything is grey and lifeless.

Because Jenny is gone.

Jenny was killed because of him.

Then a heat island landed on him. A small pale hand closed delicate fingers on his arm. He tries to force himself to react, an old reflex. He has always been attentive to people. He has always paid attention to his environment. But now he is unable to shake his torpor. His pain in life. Trying to come back to the surface is starting to suffer again in this way too. He suffers as much inside, but not both at the same time. To be aware of what’s going on around him is to realize that Jenny’s gone. He just doesn’t have the strength. He just wants it to stop.

But the woman keeps talking to him. What does she say? He shakes his head. No, he doesn’t want to talk about it. He doesn’t want to name anything. He doesn’t want to describe anything. He doesn’t want to feel anything. Yet he feels it. He feels the emptiness of his existence. He feels the futility of what was so important to him a few days earlier. He feels the price of his obsession for a criminal who has finally cost him the only real good thing he has ever known in his life. He feels the collapse of everything he believed in before that day.

Then he feels two arms close on his shoulders and he does not even find the strength to resist, to stand up, to make a man of himself. He accepts the comfort which is completely futile but so desired. He closes his eyes. He sees her face. He sees her smile. Her eyes so sparkling with life.

“Lord… why her?”

Why, of all the lives that had to be taken, of all the souls that could liberate the earth, did destiny have to fall on his Jenny? The confident and warm voice is heard again a few inches from his ear.

“I can’t promise you it’s going to be okay, I don’t like to lie neither, but I’m staying here. Take your time.”

For the first time since the beginning of the apocalypse, someone talks to him frankly, tells him the truth. No nonsense. None of this ‘is going to be ok’. No stupidity about time passing and healing wounds. No promise of a better tomorrow. Just the truth. Brute. But at the same time, the sweetest thing he’s heard since his phone rang in his office to announce the end of his universe. He poses the head against the friendly shoulder of a stranger who has offered herself without counting and feels for the first time in days a tiny bit of existence returning to him with some balm of kindness.

This woman, this stranger, why is she doing this? He doesn’t know. And he doesn’t want to know. For now, it’s simply an angel from heaven who seems to take some of his pain on her own shoulders for no reason. And he accepts it. He can’t do otherwise. All his despair hangs on this tiny island of appeasement. He doesn’t know how much time passes. The agent comes back and hands a holotape. The woman takes it and thanks him, keeping the detective in her arms like a mother who protects her child from something possibly threatening. The agent leaves. Nick finally shakes himself.

Nick shakes and suddenly realizes what just happened. He slowly straightens up, raising a curious gaze towards the woman who gently lowers her hand along his arm, as if she wanted to assure him she would not break the contact unless if it’s what he desires.

What a strange choice of words. Nora doesn’t understand why she told him that. But at the same time, she understands. One day, a few years ago, when she was picking up the shreds of her existence, she would have liked to have been comforted. His parents had tried, clumsily, but at the same time they were too much struck by shame. She had been left in her room, alone in the dark to cry all the tears of her body. The family’s honor had been violated and her parents had only one hope: she would rise and act as if nothing had happened.

"Lord. I beg your forgiveness."

“No, don’t do that. We all need help eventually. I don’t understand why you were left alone. It’s obvious you must not be abandoned.”

She looks around and sees the embarrassment of a few people, here and there. The same impression. People are uncomfortable. They’d like that cop to disappear with his despair rather than burden them with the misfortune of his presence. They don’t dare chase him, they’re not so monstrous. But those who aren’t too busy to notice just don’t know how to react. Like these nurses when Nora came to pick up her father in a few hallways where he had escaped. They just wished they could tie him up, but the family was against it.

Problems. Problems we don’t want in a society of pomp.

Nora turns again to the detective who always stares at her, seeming to wonder where this person who pays attention to him can come from. She smiles at him gently.

“Do you want to go for a coffee? Are you hungry?”

Nick expected her to ask him if he was better. People who tried to offer him comfort always asked him that just before leaving him, reassured by his half-answer and his coarse lie. But not her. The glance on him perfectly reflects the opposite. She knows he is not better and doesn’t try to fall into a sterile illusion that would only serve to free her from his cumbersome presence.

“A… a coffee?”

He tries to think. For a minute, all his thoughts escape him, and he doesn’t even remember what coffee is. Then the next moment, he remembers Jenny who always came to offer him a last cup before going to bed, while he continued to strip the late files he did not give up peeling until too late at night.

“A cup of coffee. I saw a little bistro down the street. I think I was completely forgotten and…”

She claps her hand.

“I think you also finished with BADTFL.”

“Yes. I’m done.”

He takes the holobande she’s handing him and weighs it for a moment, then puts it on the free bench next to him. The stranger’s hand still hasn’t left his arm, as if she was trying to breathe life into him through this contact. And it seems to work. He feels able to move. He feels able to get up. To go. Where? He doesn’t know. To the bistro for now. That’s enough.

Nora gets up and takes his arm, as she so often took her father’s, lost in a world he didn’t recognize. They progress slowly, at the rhythm of man, she doesn’t want to rush him any more than what precipitated him into the abyss. He walks with her, one step at a time. They gather on the steps in front of the regional office. They walk down the street. They enter the bistro. The young woman puts the man in one seat and then goes to the counter to order two coffees and two crispy chicken wraps.

She doesn’t know if the man will want to eat, but she’s starving. She thought she could eat after she had worn the briefcase to her former boss. Perhaps by discussing work. Now she doesn’t care. She’ll call Nate a little later to explain she’ll probably be late and he’ll have to eat alone. With Codsworth at home, she is not afraid. Her men will be well treated. In the meantime, there is a man here, in his present, who has no one but a pure stranger to support him.

Nick watches the young woman with long white hair heading to the counter. He has rarely seen a woman like that. He sometimes sees them on the paintings in the museum where Jenny liked to spend her Sunday afternoons. Real ladies, all of nobility, whose graceful smile seemed to transcend time and space to reassure visitors that people were watching. And she descended, this noble lady, from her centuries-old painting, to come and take his arm, guide him, penetrate his solitude, and reach him in his despair. She uttered no futile words, no pre-recorded stupidity for situations that escape the ordinary mortal. Because she doesn’t belong to ordinary people. She’s an angel Jenny sent for him. An angel laid there on his way to help him to resume his path. To where? He ignores it. But he knows he must follow the path she will tell him. And it feels good. He doesn’t feel so lost any more. He still feels so bad. He still feels so desperate. He knows when the foreigner leaves him to resume her own path, the immeasurable emptiness of his existence will catch up with him. But for now, for a single moment, he’s not alone.

“I didn’t know if you took it black or latte. I ask them to put a cream and a sugar on it. That’s how I take it. I figured you probably had a trip of bitterness and didn’t need it in your brew.”

He looks up, a moment dazzled. Then he remembers. The woman. She puts a cup of smoking coffee in front of him. A cream and a sugar. Like Jenny. She always said life was pretty bitter, you shouldn’t add to coffee. He also used to take his coffee like that, if only to please her. He closes his eyes by carrying the cup to his lips and during a fraction of existence, he almost feels like he’s back to just before. Right before everything collapsed.

“Do you have family? Friends?”

“No. I’m from Chicago.”

“Damn, that’s a hell of a walk! Do you have somewhere to stay?”

“Yes. I have an apartment in Boston.”

He doesn’t know how he naturally manages to speak with the young woman. She asks her questions, he answers her. He opens to her completely. Especially because she doesn’t ask any indelicate questions. He understands where she’s go. He knows because he often asked victims the same questions in his investigations. Is she a detective? It’s a pretty bad environment for women. But if she’s a detective, it must be one he wouldn’t be ashamed to share a file with. His colleagues are too often… corrupt, disillusioned for the least. Automatons that fill files with so little consideration for the people they describe. He always tried to make a human difference in the balance. People naturally trusted him.

“Which office do you work for?”

She blinks twice, surprised. Then she shakes her head slowly, again this thin amused smile clads on her lips.

“I don’t have an office yet. I was trying to find one. I took my day off from my baby to get there, but it ended in a car breakdown. My husband will probably try to accuse me of pushing it too hard.”

She has light laughter. Not at all insulting. Just natural. She has a natural inclination to laugh and smile. It seems to Nick she could go through hell with a smile on her face. Maybe she did. She has that glare, despite her youth. That look which has already seen too much and which could have been extinguished, but which decided to set fire to burn everything in its path, in order to warm the hearts of people who could feel the too great cold of existence extend its icy fingers on their hearts. He himself feels the bite melt away. His heart beats again. His lungs breathe again. Each sip of coffee is a Homeric embodiment of the warmth that the white-haired young woman tries to communicate him.

“He’s lucky, your husband. I hope he can keep you safe.”

His lip trembles despite him and his last words stumble. He hopes this husband will be a better companion than himself who let his fiancée die away from him, slaughtered by the criminal he sought to catch.

“He’s a veteran of Anchorage. He’s the very security.”

“But his wife walks the streets of Charlestown picking up complete strangers in her path. He should be must careful.”

He didn’t want to sound so bitter. If the said women did not walk the streets of Charlestown picking up the pure strangers, he would be sinking, at the bottom of his bench, or perhaps he would have managed to move and be sinking at the bottom of the Charles, an idea that has been haunting him for days. As it sinks nearby…

“He taught me how to defend myself. A foreigner should not think he is going to meet a poor damsel in distress. He would probably swallow a crooked bone.”

“So the young lady reverses the roles and picks up man in distress.”

“You’re a detective. I never thought for a moment you could harm me. What I don’t get is none of your colleagues are with you to help you through— anything you’re going through.”

He sighs deeply, resting his cup and noticing with astonishment there is a plate in front of him on the table. A chicken wraps. He loves wraps. With a good layer of mayonnaise that counteracts the acidity of the tomatoes. He slowly takes the sandwich in his hand as if it were some apparitions he still can’t understand, but part of his brain still manages to analyze what the woman says, and he replies.

“I was called to Boston for one case. A big case. A case that smelled bad from coast to coast. A case that doesn’t take just one day and doesn’t leave us overnight. I had a reputation for being good at uprooting the streets, and I was taken to the worst rat cage I’ve ever seen. The problem is I dragged my fiancée there.”

He keeps quiet, the sandwich in his hand, the look in the wave. The woman in front of him takes a bite as if she wanted to remind him how to do it, but she quickly understands he is very far from his frugal meal. However, he ended up shaking himself, giving her a sad look.

“The deal was so well done then I was the one who got wrapped up, and as an expeditious envoy they sent my fiancée ad patre.”

Nora cannot hold back her frightening exclamation. She automatically extends her hand on the table and grabs the one of the strangers.

“God, this is horrible! And you don’t get any help? You were left alone? Damn it, they’re assholes!”

Instead of sinking again into his torment, he is grasped by the spontaneously ordeal language of the one he liked to portray as some divine creature. Despite him, a snort escapes him. The asshole. Yes. He thinks no less. A nice bunch of fuckers, all as much as they are. They wiped their feet clean on him and the dead body of his beautiful Jenny and nothing and no one will ever be able to redeem what was taken from him. But despite him, this woman is so fresh she puts a balm on his heart. Very light, certainly, but when you are really thirsty, a simple drop of dew can taste the sky.

“You really are something, aren’t you?”

“I’m often told that. It cause me problem me more often than not.”

They fall back into silence, somewhere comfortable. Nora continues to eat her sandwich quietly. Nick risks his teeth. A ranch sauce. He prefers mayonnaise. But somehow, this woman seems the very statement to spice up life. He’s not surprised she’s spicing the sandwiches as well. It’s not bad. It’s actually quite nice. Like all those little details she’s punctuated his moments since his path crossed hers.

But they will have to separate. She will go back to her husband. He’ll go back to his sad, empty apartment where all the memories of Jenny will be there waiting for him, blaming him.  Kicking him down. The only bite he took won’t sink. His throat tightens and even if he finally manages to swallow, he understands his moment of grace is over. He managed to veil himself for a fraction of a second, but time and reality have just caught up with him. He rests the wrap on the plate admitting his defeat, feeling again the weight of his misfortune come down on his heart.

“That’s… very kind of you. You’re an admirable person.”

“I don’t think so, no.”

He is surprised in his stride and finds himself unbalanced. These are not so many words, even if they are surprising. But the way she said it. It’s definitely destabilized. He looks at her in surprise. But who in the world answers like that? Who in the world carefully avoids all platonic lines of politeness? It doesn’t even seem like false modesty or denigration. Just a careless throw on the pile. He takes one step; she tells him not to. He doesn’t.

“What...but if... You didn’t need to—

“You needed it. It was enough.”

Facts. She’s stating facts. She neglects any extraordinary feeling with the back of her hand and disconcerts all his attempts to offer her thanks and gratitude by breaking them with the simple establishment of what she considers a fact. His mouth left open.

«One day» she starts with an absent voice, looking towards the window, towards the sky «my universe collapsed. Another day, it collapsed again. And again. All my promises of a better life have been broken one after the other in front of me every time I have tried to move forward in life. They tried to break what I was. They broke the ones I loved. They broke my home. They broke my intimacy. They broke every single face of my identities. And nobody ever reached out to me. Nobody ever hugged me. No one ever comforted me. No miracle happened. I had to create my miracle. It was then broken, again.”

And she smiles. And she laughs. Shit! What is this woman?

“I had a dream, it was stolen from me. I had a situation; it was taken away from me. Life does that. Some are lucky, some are not. Some are born with fortune; some will never finish the month. I would have liked, only once, to find a refuge, at that time. A person who, even for a moment, even for a minute, would have offered me his shoulder. It didn’t happen.”

She finally turns her gaze to him. She turns these two iris so green that one would almost believe them unreal.

“For now, I’m happy. I built something. I found shelter. I started a family. Tomorrow, who knows. The world could fall apart again. But who cares?”

She shrugs her shoulders and tightens her fingers on the man’s hand, advancing a little on her seat as if she wanted to get as close as possible.

“But even if I manage to move forward, even if I continue to rebuild, even if I have gotten used to the idea I have always been alone in the face of horror, I don’t wish that on anyone. I just can’t leave a person in need if I can do something. Even if it’s little. Even if it’s nothing. I can’t help it. You needed someone. I can’t offer you much, but anything I can offer you, I give you.”

He stares at her for a long time in silence, stunned. Then he turns his hand in her and squeezes it back. He could say thank you. Now he knows she will say it’s nothing. He could say a thousand things. Now he knows she will sweep them all away. So, he accepts. He simply accepts. He accepts and somehow that’s the best he can do right now. He feels grateful. He feels something other than emptiness and horror. He feels supported. He feels understood. He does not need to expand, to describe his horror in every detail, to lose himself in tears and pain. She understood that. She heard him. She gave him a little bit of everything she could so he could take a step. Then another step. He doesn’t know where it will take him, but for now, that’s all he needed to rekindle the desire to continue. He does not know if he will recover, but he will seek to do so. If he can find a way forward, he will move forward. His existence no longer makes sense, but he now knows he will do everything to give it back.

“Nick! Thank God!”

Nora and Nick jump when a man rushes in their direction immediately a step made inside the bistro. The detective winks several times as if he had just come down to earth. The woman turns to the newcomer, curious. Captain Jonathan Widmark rushes to the table where they sit and stands in front of Nick.

“Shit, I knew I should have come in person. When the guys from BADTFL told me you left without even listening to the holotape. Look, Nick, I’m sorry. I’m totally sorry. I didn’t know, you must believe me.”

“That’s fine, Captain, you don’t have to get all upset.”

“I told them not to let you go. What you’ve been through… this whole thing. Winter… Jenny.”

The tornado in uniform doesn’t even seem to notice the young woman in front of the detective. She doesn’t know if she should apologize and leave, but somewhere, she’d rather not. The detective seemed to want to open up little by little, but she now sees him collapsing again as the other speaks.

“Look, I gave you instructions on the holotape. The Boston Police Department is paying you for therapy. You must go to the C.I.T. Everything is organized. For your sake and I confess for my conscience, you must do it.”

Nick turns his gaze to the young woman who accompanies him. Only then does Captain Widmark seem to notice her.

“Oh, I… Hello miss. Sorry for my cavalier ways but understand…I was worried sick. You are?”

“A friend” she graciously presents herself with a hand he shakes lightly. “The BADTFL ‘fools’ seemed to have no idea what to do with your detective, so I took him for a bite. Literally. Is it the way the police do to take their good stuff and throw it to the sharks?”

The captain seemed horrified. He took a step back, as if Nora had just slapped him physically.

“N-no. No. I… I was busy in Boston. I couldn’t make it earlier.”

“Surely there must have been man’s death to keep you away from this one.”

“I came as soon as I could” he yells “And when I was told Nick had left the office, I did everything I could to find him. I was at least reassured he walked, so I did all the shopping in the area to try to find someone who would have seen him.”

“Yup. A good cop, a bad case, a river that flows near . Are you aware you did a small marathon? I hope you won’t sleep tonight.”

Nick can’t help it. The corners of his mouth roll up as he holds back his laughter. This woman is quite a case herself. Widmark takes another step back, managing badly the full assault.

“Madam, where are your manners?”

“In the same place as your common sense. You come here all out of breath on your high horse, as if you had beaten heaven and earth in search of your good detective, but the facts are and remain sir that you abandoned my client.”

Nora stands up in her seat and rises slowly, staring coldly at the man. Inside, she has as much fun with the astonishment of the captain as the detective.

“ The B.P.D. pays for psychological care for him? That’s the least you can do. If I had my way, I’d have your damn department spit out damages to bring the city of Boston to its knees!"

“Ma-ma-Madam is a lawyer?”

“Yes. But fortunately for you, my client and I have not finished discussing this case. For the moment, you will understand he has very strong emotions and he doesn’t care about your late apologies. His life has been shattered by you. I do not intend to act as inhumane as his colleagues have dared to do. Now, if you’ll excuse us, I’m trying to put something in his stomach before the starvation does the river’s work.”

The captain seems to have to swallow another two or three tons of air before he has the ability to speak. Nick, for his part, is thrown from the clouds. A lawyer. Their case? He didn’t discuss that case. He didn’t have any discussion. How does she know all that? In the end, wasn’t it chance that put her in his way? It’s just one of those sharks looking for a juicy piece of meat, one of those sharks but in particularly amazing manners? Does he fell into a lawyer trap? He now feels another emotion rise in him. Anger. It rises slowly with realization. The captain apologizes confusingly while the white-haired woman sits down as if nothing had happened. He opens his mouth and when he speaks, his voice is so white with rage that he hardly recognizes it.

“So that was it. I must have thought altruism wouldn’t run the streets. A lawyer. Well, ma'am, I’m not your client. Thank you very much.”

He is reaching for his pocket to take his wallet. He doesn’t want to owe her a sandwich.

“Think again” she commands him with a voice that stops him in his gesture. “This angry person was rushing you into your misfortune. You’re just starting to breathe that he would have choked you. Yes, I’m a lawyer. But I don’t have an office and I’m not looking for a cause. I just felt you didn’t need... this” which she dismissively concludes by pointing at the back of the man moving away.

“You have a funny way of doing business.”

“You’re not a business. You’re a man. You’re a human being. Pity for conscience, it stinks in my face.”

He watches his captain walk away through the window, then looks again at the woman who took a neutral expression, the look lost in her own coffee cup.

“I’m sorry. Maybe I should have warned you. But there was more urgency.”

“Why did you mention…the river?”

“Because one would have to be blind not to see such evidence. I found you in despair and it would not have taken long for one plus one to do two in your head. You would have risen from your seat where you had been left to rot. You would have slowly walked down the street without seeing anything. Then at the end of the way, the Charles would have called you. The promise of deliverance. Your captain could have run, but he could not have caught the fish that would now keep you company.”

He didn’t think he was so transparent. Although on the other hand, he didn’t think of anything in particular. Except Jenny. Except his pain. Except his desire to end it. Yes, he had thought of the Charles. Yes, he had thought of getting up and going to sink his misfortunes to the bottom of the water. But a hand with perfectly manicured nails had landed on his arm. A lively look had dived into his. A woman with a charming voice had dragged him in the opposite direction to the river and had offered him a coffee, a bite.

“Is it too early to ask what you are going to do now?”

He stares at her, trying to think about it. A solution to end his infernal cycle. He was offered one on a silver platter.

“I’m going to Cambridge. I have nothing to lose anyway. At least I won’t have to go…home.”

He chokes on his last word. She again brings her hand to take his. He smiles slightly at her. No, it’s not a lawyer shark. It’s a good person who crossed his path and diverted him from a doom. He must now continue on the road that finally discovers itself in front of him. He still cannot see tomorrow, nor the future. But he sees the next step, and for now, that’s enough.

“Do you have a car?”

He’s caught off guard. No, he doesn’t have a car. He normally uses a patrol the Boston office provides. The city is well organized around public transport and his apartment is in a very lively area. He had not felt the need to buy a car, especially with his meagre salary, especially with the desire to organize a wedding worthy for Jenny. He had come to Charlestown in a taxi and was counting...in fact he had counted on nothing. He acted like an automaton who was only looking for an opportunity to stop moving forward. He was told to take all his files from Winter’s End to the BADTFL, but then he didn’t see the next step.

“No…”

“Mine is a bit capricious, but here’s what I propose. I’ll take you myself to the C.I.T. It’s on my way anyway. Just let me make a call, and then I’ll come back. You don’t move, you promise?”

Damn! This woman likes to order. But right now, Nick needs to be ordered. More than ever. He nods slowly and she continues to smiles at him so warmly, getting up by taking her purse.

“You stay here, you try to take another bite, and then we’ll see what we can do with my old car.”

She walks away but glances in his direction every moment. Even on the public phone, she talks without leaving eyes contact. He feels again a smile taking him by surprise. No, this woman is not a trap, it’s a blessing. Exactly what he needed when he needed it. Just an angel on his path.

Just the kind of person who wants to make the world exactly what he’s always wanted.

In another time, another universe, who knows, they could have made quite a team.

[heartofspells]

I’m here to ramble more about Evil Me’s AU, we’ll see if this ever gets written, but enjoy this anyway. Sirius moving into the Slytherin dorms has such potential for hilarity. Setting aside the angst of it, Snape now has to deal with every single Black at all times and somehow their individual arrogance and awfulness increases when they’re together so a group of them is so much worse than just one, and there’s such potential for hijinks between Sirius and the others. Sirius is right back in with his old circle so any Slytherins Snape befriended are also friends with Sirius, Sirius’s family has him with them again, Regulus simply moved Sirius into his dorm until they can formally address the House issue and created a new bed, Snape cannot physically tell which Black is around because they’re essentially identical and Sirius has taken to borrowing Slytherin robes (he’s taunting the Gryffindors [“You wanted me to leave so badly? Well, here you go, I’m a Gryffindor no longer, guess you all were right, I am just like my family”]) so Snape can’t use clothing to differentiate them and he just wants 5 minutes of peace. Man cannot escape Sirius and I think it’s really funny to imagine Snape just slowly losing it because Sirius’s mere presence sets him off, and nobody else will complain. The remaining Marauders pull a series of pranks on Slytherin, lashing out over Sirius going to them when he left (nice angsty parallel between Sirius going to the Potters’ when he left his home, and going back to his old life when he has to leave Gryffindor), and Evan and Avery convince Sirius to help them prank them right back (angst over Sirius replacing James, Remus, and Peter with his old friends too) (I lied about ignoring the angst it seems), and it is truly like Sirius never left, he’s acting like he’s always been there and so is everyone else. Regulus is thrilled, and Snape wants to scream

Never ignore the angst, I'm begging you. But like, the borderline crack of all this has me sunk. I need this so much. Especially Snape just losing his shit and wanting to scream non-stop (imagine him mistake Sirius for Regulus three or four times in one day).

Look, anon, I'm going to level with you here. It's bartering time. What do I have to do to get you to write this?

[krs724490]

9/22/2024

its the first day of fall. my practices have been out of practice. I'm realizing that so much of my "work" has not been work. I am the spiritual bypasser of spiritual bypassers. I definitely witness my emotions and do not allow them through my body. I have been obsessed with the witness but I had no idea the way I wasn't allowing myself to express. the way I've been shaming my emotions for occurring because I don't see them as valid.

shame on me for being insecure about graham. I want to be the perfect girlfriend and my stuff gets in the way. I feel shame for not being able to be that steady, understanding presence that he is for me. and I wonder why a lot of females have insecure, anxious attachment styles... its because of society. we were conditioned to latch onto a man, I think even our systems are set up for it. no wonder we aimlessly follow their every move. the systems are failing us. I dont want my daughter to grow up thinking she is at the whim of any boy. I dont want her to bend for anyone. In fact. I hope she's lesbian lolol.

The battle is within me. I feel attached and resistant to the attachment and unaware of what to do with it. how to become more secure. how to not care. how to not feel. it all seems so counterintuitive. I must feel but not so much that I act from a place of ill intention. I must feel but I must not cling to the feeling. just enough to healthily touch without dragging it along.

its strange how I feel the urge to write when I'm out and about, as if Ill have so much to say. and now I sit here not sure what even makes sense to write. I guess it would be good to acknowledge truman. I have an attraction, physical attraction to him. and that turns into an emotional curiosity and a cognitive investment. he lent me his copy of the bhagvad gita of which I already own the exact same copy. there is a part of me that wonders if I had a partner who understood the gita, if life would be richer, if we could connect deeper. especially being with a partner who is more detached and seemingly less emotionally present. when truman offers me the gita, I wonder. when I see brian's tattoo of buddha on his shin, I wonder. but I also in a twisted way, know I was meant to have a partner who is not spiritual. to humble me in the way I think spirituality holds all power. to show me that there are other ways to be a good human that are just as right and valid. he is perfect for me.

I hate feeling like I have so much work to do. realizing how I have not felt my emotions. I have only felt a fraction of what I was meant to feel, thats heartbreaking. I cannot believe I didn't allow myself to let it out. today I am mourning every emotion that I did not allow through. every moment of silence where I felt I could not speak up. not honoring the truth of my emotions. that includes being honest with graham about my emotions no matter how ashamed of them I am. the more I cover them up the more they fester and I am so blessed that he gives me the space to air them out without holding them against me. do you know how rare that is? or it feels as if it is so. I hate how he is so open about this. its bothersome the way he handles everything perfectly. that is part of my resistance to him now.

we can also talk about the way I am settled into this routine enough to find its exhaustions and pitfalls. whenever i have a new beginning I start strong because I am hyperfocused on the potential of what I could do in my routine. and now that I am settled in I can see the ways that I am able to poke holes. the sugar comes back. the frustration comes back. it is a true cycle. it feels that a new beginning strikes a chord in me that wakes me up. a break up, a new job, a new house. and in a weird way I am able to start again. breaking up with graham would be nice because I see it as a giant energy boost to take a look at myself and reset. only this time I can't escape. this time I know I can't leave and that is also an odd feeling. odd to settle in for awhile.

the river of transitions presentation was fun for me to give. I do feel this is an area of life where I've excelled and I'm proud of myself because I followed my heart with my careers. mo asked me if I've always been this confident moving through my transitions and its so funny, I told her it doesn't feel that way. I suppose in hindsight I realize how much all of these transitions benefitted me, but while I was in them I was unsure. I guess I dont see myself as confident, but it was nice to be reflected back to in that way. I wanted to tell her if only you could see how lonely its been. If only you could see how self centered and stupid I feel for pursuing a selfish profession. If only you could see.

Lately I've really been feeling my age. I feel 26. I feel younger than the people around me who have done a lot of work on themselves. I feel naive to the realities of the world. to racism and using different pronouns and saving the planet. I dont know where I've been all these years. I needed this sort of education. this sort of wake up and its disarming, to put down who you thought you were. to feel like you dont know anything. I feel like I should be a blonde 23 year old with the sort of brain I have. I think all this neurosis is the result of waking up. of realizing where I am and how far there is to go while simultaneously realizing its all right here and will come as it does.

I pray that I am able to protect myself from my own attachment to graham and the ego that keeps me small. I am inspired by my classmates who share so honestly, openly, vulnerably, about where they're at. I dont want to raise my hand and tell everyone that I feel young and behind again. I've always been younger than everyone else and punching above my weight. but I skipped over some things. I was not meant to jump. and I dont want to try to anymore.

I probably have about 5 million attempts at a new beginning. we pause here to wipe the slate clean and acknowledge that this moment, right here right now, is the beginning of everything in your life that's to come... its actually shocking how little I practice what I preach and how much I hold the vision for others but not for myself.

fall is a time of transition and change. today is the first day off fall, 2024 and I do want to take it and run with it. its so nice to be at this point in the year and to be able to envision the rest of it. to be able to see the finish line. fall represents transition and this is perhaps the largest transition I've been through in a long time. this is adulthood. this is grad school. this is setting myself up for the rest of my life. I can feel the way that I am settling into what is. I am no longer running. I want to sit with my neurosis and allow them fully in. I want to sit with my joy and let it fully in. I want to sit with graham and not run from the work it takes to be in a relationship. I want to be in the process of naropa of what it means to be a student there. I am not looking to the next, I am right here.

today was icky. and I knew I would pick myself back up and make sense of it. I wonder how much of my food stuff is spiritual bypassing "today I did not have it in me to avoid it" that is a tough statement. I'm not sure my full relationship to it. there is a place that I can arrive where I am in my spirituality, a place that can sit with these unpleasant feelings and allow them. a place where I can make different decisions because there is space. space to feel and understand where these emotions come from. space where there is so much grace and love and connection, understanding. a place that wants to tend to the wounds. genuinely wants to show up for them. its so beautiful. Ive been there before. I'm grateful to it.

I think I can leave this here. if you journal long enough it all trickles out, everything this that needs to be addressed. I trust. I will finish with, I trust.

[starastrologyy]

Astrology Observations

Synastry & Composite Edition

Please do NOT repost any of my work on other social media platforms 🤍 even if you credit me!

As I mentioned before, synastry and predictive astrology are my niches, and that’s what most of my clients come to me for. In this post, I want to detail some synastry and composite aspects, and how I’ve seen them play out in the charts I’ve read, and in my own personal life 🤍

Saturn square Venus in synastry is surprisingly very binding. We all know that the easy aspects favor longevity. However, I’ve seen this aspect (the square) between two people who know they are not right for each other, but both can’t leave the relationship for whatever reason, on many occasions. However, there’s usually one partner whose holding on a little tighter, and seemingly can’t let go of the other. In a lot of instances it’s the Saturn partner who cannot let go of the Venus partner. Another alternative description of this aspect that has proven to be accurate, is that the Venus person often feels as if they are not good enough for the Saturn person. Whether the Saturn person knows this or not, there are things that they say and do, that makes the Venus person feel deficient (physically or emotionally) at times. Whilst, I absolutely love the Venus trine, or sextile Saturn aspect. I’ve found the Venus square Saturn to be difficult, IF they aren’t any other aspects that point to a genuine connection/attraction.

Composite Taurus Rising: This is the couple that just LOOKS good together. They probably enjoy partaking in many artistic hobbies when they are together. Bonding over food, and trying new restaurants may also be something that they do. I’ve also noticed that this seems to be a very publicly affectionate pair. They likely enjoy holding hands, or hugging & kissing in public. Wherever, Venus is placed in the composite chart, will be an area of life that is of key focus for this couple, through the course of their relationship.

Composite Capricorn Rising: This is the couple that intimidates others. They may look really established, or wealthy to other people. They also carry themselves in a very mature, and classy way. They may enjoy documenting their experiences on fancy holidays, or at fancy restaurants etc.. if the term “power couple” had an aspect, it would be a composite Capricorn Rising. Longevity is also a key theme for this couple. Since Capricorn is ruled by Saturn, it is not uncommon to see a couple who has a composite Capricorn rising in a relationship for many years. Whilst astrologers argue that having a Taurus or Libra rising in a composite chart indicates marriage, I honestly believe, and have seen that a Capricorn rising indicates longevity. Obviously the aspects in the chart will ultimately determine the fate and destiny of the relationship, but having a Capricorn rising suggests that both partners take the relationship very seriously, and intend on being in it for the long haul.

Okay back to synastry. When someone’s planets fall in to your 4th house, they can literally feel like home to you. This is especially true if that planet is their Moon or Venus. I’ve found that someone’s rising sign falling into your 4th house, can carry the same affect. With 4th house overlays, you just feel comfortable in the other persons presence. You may also be comfortable when it comes to opening up emotionally to them. There’s this sense that you can truly trust this person and that they will be there for you without judgement.

3rd house overlays are so underrated. The 3rd house centers around communication, writing and siblings. So, some people argue that this overlay produces a ‘sibling-like’ connection. I’d say it depends, if you have no other aspects that indicate attraction, than this may very be a close friendship or a ‘sibling-like’ bond. However, in a long-term, and well established relationship communication is key. Yes, sex and sexual attraction is great, but really understanding how your partner thinks and communicates is very important in a serious relationship. When someone’s planet falls into your 3rd house, you may really enjoy communication with them. You’ll also find that the conversations are very lively (unless that planet is Saturn haha) and interesting. Couples who have prominent 3rd house synastry, are the ones who call and text each other very frequently. One, or both of them may be turned on by dirty talk, or sexting (had to add this in here). BUT seriously, many of the couples I know who have really good communication in their relationships, either have 3rd house overlays, or well aspected mercuries in synastry.

Chiron Aspects in Synastry: These aspects can be incredibly healing (if they are the easy aspects) or extremely hurtful or damaging. The conjunction can go either way, if your Chiron conjuncts someone’s Venus, you both may experience a love that’s incredibly healing, or it can be an insecurity provoking relationship, if other aspects support this. Chiron will highlight the wounds of the planets it is aspecting. If someone’s Chiron is touching your moon, there may be deep seated emotional issues that start to resurface. If someone else’s Chiron is touching your mercury, this will likely cause you to examine and rethink your mental processing, and why you think the way you do. If their Chiron is aspecting your Venus, issues around value, beauty and self-worth may begin to surface. Chiron squaring a personal planet in synastry is one of my least favorite aspects. This can actually cause a wound related to the personal planet if they aren’t any other aspects that diffuse this energy. However, Chiron trining or sextiling personal planets have the opposite effects. These can really prompt deep personal healing in a relationship. For example, if one persons Chiron is trining someone else’s Venus, the Chiron person can really help the Venus person heal all their issues related to their self-worth & how they give and receive love.

It’s also important to differentiate between synastry and composite charts. Synastry charts, show us how to people interact with each other, and how they view each other from their individual points of view. Whereas, a composite chart is the relationship as a single entity. So, some astrologers argue that the composite chart is what the relationship would be like if two people were in a serious, and committed relationship, and the key themes they would likely encounter. However, one chart does not negate the other, they just symbolize two different things!

[losthomunculus]

Online Safety Relevant to the Current State of the Internet

On twitter I made a tweet about how online safety lessons in school can be very out of touch but that the advice of people who are familiar with the current internet shouldn't be disregarded. So here's my informal collection of online safety tips

Sources: unrestricted internet access since elementary school (not recommended), being a formerly involuntarily home bound person for several years that amassed way too much online experience

This could possibly hold upsetting reminders to people who had bad experiences online including mentions of grooming and emotional manipulation so please proceed with caution!

Information Sharing

Make an online pseudonym for public profiles and websites.

Don’t feel like you have to list everything about you for the world to see.

Sometimes it’s not a question of “can this information be used to locate and identify me irl?”, but simply “do I want this information publicly available and linked to my online persona?”

Unlike offline, being online leaves a constant trail of who you were accessible at all times. People are constantly growing and changing. Try to limit the information you share so you can ditch that trail and start over if need be.

Sharing information with people you make friends with and trust is a judgement call on your part, but always be on the safe side and be protective of your information.

Start as cautious as possible with online safety. Any risks or judgement calls can come later when you are 1. aware of the risks, 2. ready to address them if they occur, and 3. have gathered plenty of information instead of doing something blindly and hoping for the best.

Do not share your triggers publicly, they can very easily be used against you. Instead use websites with a large amount of filtering options to curate your online experience. If you are going to share them, only do it privately with people you trust.

Importance of Boundaries

It doesn’t matter how mature you are, don’t enter age limited spaces you don’t qualify for. It’s disrespectful to the boundaries of the people who made that space. Boundaries like this exist for the comfort of both sides involved.

Just because you can “handle it” doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Desensitization is not something to brag about.

Venting or making r18 posts as a minor on a public account is VERY dangerous. Intense emotional vulnerability is something manipulators will look for as a way to get to you. The same with sexual jokes to develop your comfort talking about those topics casually and eventually escalating the situation. If you are going to talk about such things please keep that in private conversations with people you trust in your age group.

Note the difference between public and private online space. Tweeting something on a public account is not the same as having a conversation in the cafeteria with your friends.

If an adult tries talking to you about r18, run the other way. Doesn’t matter how cool you are, it says something weird about THEM if they’re willing to talk to a minor about that stuff.

If someone( like 3+ years, honestly depends on how old you are) older than you wouldn't be comfortable saying what they're saying to you in front of other people (like a teacher or guardian), that's suspicious as hell. Run in the other direction.

The younger you are, the more age gaps matter. There's a bigger difference in development between a 13 year old and a 17 year old than there is between a 20 year old and a 24 year old. It helps to try to contextualize it with real people instead of numbers. Instead of thinking "oh just 4 years? that's not that weird" consider "oh. that would be like a freshman (13/14) dating a senior (17/18). yikes."

Be just as wary of people your own age talking about things that make you uncomfortable. Just like irl, sometimes you’ll meet people your age that are hurtful.

Friends complain to each other and talk about their issues, that alone is fine. But when people are doing it without permission, draw a line. When people are making it feel like you’re responsible for maintaining their mental health, you need to draw a line. When it starts to effect your mental health, PLEASE DRAW A LINE! I know it feels like your responsibility sometimes, but it’s not. You cannot be there for others if you’re not taking care of yourself first and foremost.

Don’t be afraid to block people. Even for petty reasons. It’s good to block people. Don’t force yourself to see stuff you don’t want to see.

Being Constantly Online

The 24 hour news cycle is not a good thing to follow 24/7. Taking social responsibility is a good thing, but your brain is NOT built to worry about every issue in the world at once. One strategy I use for staying sane is I try to only check the news once a day, and if something needs more attention to set aside an amount of time I’m going to focus on it before I need to take time to step back.

Touch grass. Not literally, unless you can in which case I highly suggest it, sometimes it’s just good to lay in a field. What I mean is you need to dedicate a good portion of your time to being offline (sleep does not count). What your offline time looks like is going to differ depending on your level of ability, but even if you are house bound it’s important to build some hobbies that don’t rely on the internet. Talking to people offline is also a good goal if possible, even just to your housemates.

Social etiquette greatly differs online and offline and sometimes the reminder that were all just Some People gets lost behind the numbers and the fabricated personas. Keep in mind the difference in how information is shared without forgetting that the fact we are all people remains the same.

Be generous with your etiquette. You will avoid a lot of stress if you conduct yourself with the same politeness you would have in an offline interaction. Master the art of "minding your own business" for your own sake.

Arguments and Competition

As soon as you can, you need to internalize the fact that leaving an argument is not losing.

It is inevitable you will be exposed to many people who disagree with you. Some people only want to argue to rile you up. Sometimes that’s not their intention, but it’s what they’re doing. You do not have to remain in conversation with people, especially if they’re not interested in actually coming to an understanding. Even if they are interested, sometimes they just suck!! Leave!! You can leave!!

On that note, sometimes you are going to get valid criticism and it’s going to hurt. That is part of learning. If someone says you messed up and did something hurtful, take a second to step back from your defensiveness and consider: intent ≠ effect. Apologize, repair what you can, and move forward with the ability to do better in the future. You’re going to mess up every once in awhile, it’s inevitable.

To summarize the past two points: don't waste your time on unnecessary hostility but don't close yourself into an echo chamber either. Debates should be about learning.

Sometimes people are not going to like you. This happens offline too but people tend to be a lot more blunt online. Sometimes people dislike you for no reason or for really petty reasons. That’s not your problem, move on.

Don’t actively seek out people you don’t like or who don’t like you to argue with. Whether or not your side is the “right side” doesn’t matter, it’s going to cause you so much unnecessary stress. Feel free to keep posting your opinions on your own profile but don’t seek out unnecessary conflict.

This is a different type of competition than previously mentioned, but be aware of the danger of comparing yourself to other people. Especially if you’re a creative or student, DO NOT GET SWEPT UP IN THE GRIND CULTURE. It’s more subtle in some places than others, but anytime you see the notion that you should be working yourself to the bone be VERY critical. Also be critical of any online cultures (such as gaming and art communities) that brag about unhealthy habits or act like it’s ~part of the culture~ (ex: all nighters, not taking breaks, getting hurt. Any activity that neglects health to work toward a goal).

Not just grind culture, any community of subculture that shares anti recovery sentiments is a huge red flag. Even if they're joking, it's not worth the risk of internalizing those statements.

Everyone’s social media presence is to some degree doctored because it’s a purposefully selected collection of what they allow you to see. It’s fine to like the persona you see being displayed, but never forget that it is not reflective of the entire person. Everyone online is JUST SOME PERSON. Do not forget that and start holding yourself to a standard you can’t even see every side of.

By posting online you are opening yourself to criticism. Whether or not it’s justified can vary, but either way it’s going to happen. Mute stuff, go private, disable comments, etc if you need to.

Misc Tidbits

these are technically just general info that is also good for offline but I have seen things that make me think people online need the extra reminder.

Learn what cults are, how they recruit, and what they do to their members. I'm not kidding. This is particularly relevant at the moment because of current societal unrest and widespread loneliness. No one is immune to cult propaganda, and not every cult is based on pre established religion or family. Many exist ONLINE and are able to manipulate people without ever meeting face to face. (learn more: Loneliness as a Pandemic: The Dangers of Online Cult

Familiarize yourself with the concept of pseudoscience. Please familiarize yourself with the concept of pseudoscience and then learn how to identify pseudoscience. (learn more: Karl Popper, Science, & Pseudoscience: Crash Course Philosophy #8)

Q. How do I know if a source is reliable?

Final Thoughts

It's important people of ALL ages learn these lessons, because the internet is constantly changing and we are all vulnerable when in the presence of other people.

Be cautious and stay safe

[loopy-froots]

Childhood Friends

Brahms Heelshire x afab!Reader

Author: @loopy-froots

Word Count: 3261 (WOW wtf…)

Slight request by @leahromanof : small age gap (Brahms is 26-28 and the reader is 20)

Summary: The Reader grew up very close to the Heelshire family, as their parents were business partners with them. However, after the fire incident, Brahms and the Reader took some space from each other. While the Reader knew Brahms was still alive, they didn’t know under the circumstances he was. When a sudden tragedy strikes their family, the Reader is left with no home. The Heelshire family offer their home with welcoming arms, but much has changed between all of them since they have last seen each other.

Warnings: 18+ ONLY, swearing, slasher x reader, smut, virgin/unprotected sex (masc and fem), abusive parents (fem), insecurities (on both parts), slight age gap (6ish years?), a slight size kink (if you squint?), etc.

Author’s Note: I wasn’t too sure what to write for the age gap so I hope this is good enough!!! I also threw in a lot of personal needs I’ve been having, so I hope y’all don’t mind! Feel free to let me know your thoughts!!!

~~~

*2nd Person POV*

You couldn’t believe this was happening. You were finally going to see your beloved childhood friend, Brahms Heelshire, again after close to ten years of separation. You wished this was not under these circumstances, as you never intended to cause your family such turmoil.

“Y/n! Come in, why don’t you?” Mr. Heelshire exclaims as he opens his front door. He must have seen you walk up their driveway. You can see Mrs. Heelshire inside, but she shares a concerning expression. Trying to brush it off, you step inside and am greeted by the warmth of the house. It was a terribly chilly winter day, and the walk there exhausted you.

“Come, dear! Let me get you a cup of tea to warm you up! You look rather frozen!” Mrs. Heelshire snaps out of her funk and laughs al0ng with her husband. Their jovial attitude makes you feel rather welcomed and loved.

“I cannot thank you enough, Mr. and Mrs. Heelshire… I… I’m terribly sorry that this all happened… especially so suddenly…” You look down with embarrassment.

“Nonsense! We’re always happy to have you, Y/n! Our home is yours!” Mr. Heelshire smiles at you, but you get a somewhat urgent vibe from him. You’re not sure how to feel about it, but you figure since they’re being ever so kind you were in no position to question.

“Now, dear… why don’t you tell us exactly what happened… Perhaps we may help with your parents’ situation?” Mrs. Heelshire gently suggests, but you shake your head in disagreement.

“Unfortunately, I’m not sure that’s possible… you see, I recently came out to my parents as non-binary… they’ve never been overly supportive of that kind of stuff, but I knew I couldn’t hide myself any longer…” You explain shamefully.

“Oh my… that is a rather difficult predicament, hm? However, we want you to know that we fully support you… in fact, our own Brahms considers himself genderfluid,” Mrs. Heelshire shares, which honestly makes you feel less alone.

“Really? I… I had no idea… Thank you, but speaking of which… where is Brahms…? Does he still live with you?” You wonder.

“Oh, um… yes… he does, but he’s grown to be rather… timid… so he doesn’t always come out when people are visiting…” Mr. Heelshire explains swiftly, and you try to understand. You don’t fully know what he’s been through, so who are you to judge his social anxieties?

“That’s alright. Well, I just hope he knows how excited I am to see him again…” You confess, causing a surprised reaction from the Heelshire couple.

“Really? Well, that’s certainly wonderful! I’m sure he'll become more open to meeting you after he gets used to you being in the house…” Mrs. Heelshire states with a gentle smile, and you nod your head in agreement.

With that, you are then taken on a tour of the house. You’re shown areas you can and cannot wander to, and you mentally note each location that’s off limits. You’d never want to make the Heelshires uncomfortable, despite how curious you were. They show you to your room, which you immediately recognize as Brahms’ childhood room.

“Oh wow! This looks exactly how I remembered it!” You giggle.

“I’m glad you’re fond of it still, as Brahms insisted you take his room for your own… comfort…” Mr. Heelshire shares, but something tells you he’s not entirely being honest. However, you ignore the feeling bubbling up in your stomach.

“Well, feel free to unpack your things dear. As we mentioned before, we are planning on going on a trip within the next few days. So it will be just you and Brahms for a while…” Mrs. Heelshire reminds you, and you shiver slightly for some reason.

“Oh, yes… Well, I hope the two of you enjoy it!” You politely respond.

~~~

“Goodbye, dear! And remember, follow the rules and you’ll get no trouble from our dear Brahms!” The Heelshires bid you farewell and leave in their cab. Closing the door, you sigh in relief.

“Alright, follow the rules… I can do that… it’s the least I can do since they were so kind as to let me stay for a while…” You motivate yourself.

“Y/n…” A sudden familiar, childlike voice echoes through the house. You looked around to see who it came from, but you saw no one. It had to be Brahms, right? Who else could it have been, but where was he?

“B-Brahms?” You sheepishly call out. You hear no answer and suddenly feel quite stupid. Maybe you just heard the shifting of the house or imagined someone was calling your name?

“Alright, focus… first things first, making some lunch… hopefully he’ll come down to eat with me…?” You hope. You could’ve sworn you heard another childish giggle somewhere, but you try to shake the skittish feeling building up. You quickly make whatever you feel like for lunch, desperate to finish so that you can call Brahms down to eat.

“Um, Brahms? I… lunch is done… if you want some?” You yell throughout the house, but you hear no answer. Finally feeling defeat, you turn back to the kitchen and notice that one of the plates of food has disappeared.

“How did he get to it without me noticing?” You ask out loud. Every instinct within you tells you that something was wrong, but you tried your best to give the man some time to adjust to the new living situation.

“Y/n…?” In the middle of eating, you hear a now more adult version of the voice you heard earlier. You drop your fork in surprise and frantically look around for the source. You then see a tall and scruffy looking man standing at the end of the dining room. He was holding the plate that is now empty, and you figure that must be Brahms. He was very odd looking, in all honesty. He wore a porcelain mask that resembles the type of little dollies you used to keep as a kid.

“Oh, um… h-hello, Brahms…?” You try to be friendly towards him, despite the creepy feeling you got from him already. However, him not answering causes the suspicion to form again.

“Um… did you enjoy the meal I made for you?” You try to spark a conversation, but Brahms nonverbally nods in response.

“That’s good! I’m… glad…” You smile awkwardly at him, but his masked face remains expressionless. You shift uncomfortably in your seat, and Brahms notices the tense state you’re in. He begins to step closer to you, and sets his plate on the table. Sweating profusely, you wonder what he’s doing. He steps closer and closer to you until he’s directly in front of you. While you sit, he towers over you. You’d never admit it, but he’s very intimidating. However, you try your best to be polite.

“Is… everything alright, Brahms?” You ask innocently. He just stares at you, though, never saying a word. When you were about to get up and try to walk away, he grabs your arm and pulls you into him.

“B-Brahms…?!” You exclaim as he squeezes you in his broad arms. He’s rather warm, but trembling. Your heart relaxes when you realize he only wanted a hug.

“Y/n… nice to see you again…” He finally peeps out. Your cheeks heat up, but you lean into the embrace. The two of you just hold onto each other for a few moments, enjoying each other’s presence.

“Good to see you, too! I was worried you were upset with me for coming back after such a long time…” You try to pull away and look him in the eyes, but his grip keeps you there.

“Mm, no… not upset… lonely…” He breathes into your ear, sending a chill down your back. He was… lonely? That makes you feel bad… really bad… how could you leave him like you did after the incident?! It wasn’t completely your fault, as you parents were the main reason you stayed away. They told you what a dangerous person Brahms was, and they forbid you from being influenced by him in any way.

Additionally, your parents never liked how fond the two of you seemed towards each other, despite the slight age difference you had. Brahms was only six years older, and to you it didn’t matter for terms of friendship. However, your parents saw the attraction Brahms had towards you right away. As children, it only developed into a little crush, but the older the two of you got the more obvious it became, to the adults at least. You seemed quite oblivious to his attempts to woo you, as you had just thought he was being friendly.

“I…I’m sorry, Brahms… I should’ve… I wish I’d have… I’m sorry…” Tear well in your eyes as you look down from his gaze. Your focus then shifts to the ever growing bulge in his pants that you hadn’t noticed before.

“It’s alright… happy you’re here now…” Brahms strokes your hair with his free hand, and he leans into you. You feel him stroke your neck with his nose, seemingly trying to get a reaction out of you. Completely frozen, you felt unsure of what to do. All of the sudden, your head’s ideas clicked and made you realize the years of yearning he’d been doing for you.

You’d be lying if you said you didn’t still have feelings for the boy you grew up with. You always admired how protective he was of you. You never admitted your affection towards him, though, as you thought he might react negatively. To you, the age difference acted as a barrier, but to him, it seemed he didn’t mind in the slightest. All he’s ever known was his love for you, despite the age gap. However, is this still the same boy as before? You probably barely knew him anymore. Then why were you getting so flustered over this simple interaction?

“Brahms?” You look back into his eyes with a curious glint. What was he planning with you?

“Hm?” He nonchalantly answers.

“Are you…?” You start, but then feel too embarrassed to finish.

“Yes,” He agrees without needing you to explain. You feel him jerk his hips into your stomach softly, desperate to get some friction between the two of you. As intoxicating as he was being, you still felt unsure of your stance with him.

“I’m not sure I want to… I mean, this is so soon… don’t you think?” You try to reason mainly with yourself to try and stop this from happening. With that, Brahms stops and pulls away from you with a pout.

“No?” He questions with sweet eyes.

“I… yes…?” You try to stand your ground with yourself again, but it’s no use. Brahms’ heartfelt pleading turns you to putty in his hands.

“Please?” He begs. With that, you finally agree, and he’s onto you. Groping all up and down your sides, front, and back, he feels every inch of your body as if he’s desperate to find something in you.

“Brahms… wait…?” You stop him again, realizing you hadn’t seen his actual face yet. You politely ask him to remove his mask, but he visibly slumps.

“Why…? You… don’t want to see me…” Brahms insecurely explains, but you shake your head.

“I do! Please…?” You whine as he continues to feel up your back. Brahms hesitates slightly, then agrees. With that, he slowly removes the porcelain from himself. This leaves his bare, burnt, and uncertain face into your view. You’re unsure of what to say at first, as your feelings are conflicted. However, you quickly decide to go with what your heart felt.

“You’re so handsome, Brahms…” You confess with a sheepish smile. He doesn’t respond, though, almost as if he’s debating what to say as well.

“Mm!” You moan through a sudden kiss he placed on your lips, making Brahms smile to himself in the kiss. He loved the way you reacted to his touch. He quickly realized you were feeling the same towards him, and that gave him the confidence to continue. You rapidly grew a certain heat in your pelvic area, but the feeling was still unfamiliar to you. Only on the rare occasion did you allow yourself the pleasure, but you felt guilty for it every time.

“Slut… whore… useless daughter…” Your parents’ past words radiate in your head, and a panic washes over your body. Brahms senses your inner conflict again, and stops once more.

“Y/n…?” He gently asks to see if you’re alright. Tears well up in your eyes as the guilt of disappointing your parents consumes you.

“I’m sorry, I just… my mom and dad would be so upset… I just feel so… lost…” You admit, and Brahms wipes your cheeks with his calloused hands.

“Mm, screw them…” He chuckles darkly.

“But…” You try to argue, but he shushes you instead.

“They’ve never been good to you, Y/n…” Brahms shares, and it confuses you at first. They’ve always given you food, shelter, and anything else a child would need.

“But they… they mean well…” You try to reason it out, but he still disagrees.

“I’ve been watching, listening to how they treat you your whole life, Y/n… the way they scream at you, gaslight you, disappoint you… that’s not love… that’s abuse…” Brahms whispers with a broken heart for you. The pain of realization hits you, but you try to muffle your cries with your hands over your mouth.

“I’m so sorry… I know how hard it is… but I… I want to love you… really love you…” He kisses the top of your head sweetly. His words fill your heart with hope that you might not be miserable the rest of your life.

“Really…? I mean, I would love that… but I don’t want to force you into anything…” You self doubt yourself.

“Absolutely. I mean, hell… why do you think I was doing all of this?” Brahms wonders, and you suppose he’s right.

“Yeah, true… I’m sorry, I just feel bad… but thank you, I’d love to… y’know…?” You admit with a shy grin, which he immediately returns.

“Good,” He smirks and kisses you again. This time, the kiss was much more desperate for the sweet result. Brahms shows no mercy for you this time as he begins biting your lips. Your little gasps invoke a strong sense of pride within him. He was making you feel this way, and he alone would make you feel good.

“Hm,” His deep voice rumbles in his chest. Your eyes flutter open and shut, unsure of how to go about this situation. Squirming around awkwardly, you then feel Brahms grab your waist as he lifts you up and onto the table.

“Ah! Brahms...?!” You yelp in surprise.

“Take off your shirt, Y/n.” He demands, already sliding his hands underneath. You timidly follow his instructions, removing your shirt and bra from your body. Brahms looks down from your face and onto your breasts. He adored them, so he ran his hands over them as he gave each nipple a cheeky pinch.

“Oh, Brahms…” Your eyes close in bliss, but he snaps your attention back to his eyes.

“Look at me,” He suggests sternly.

“O-okay…” You do as he wishes and stare deep into his icy eyes. He’s tender and gentle, but he still makes you feel so small next to him.

“You’re so pretty, Y/n… I’ve always loved you…” Brahms brushes a stray lock of hair out of your face, giving him a better view at your beauty.

“I have loved you for the longest time, too, Brahms… I just never knew how to tell you…” You try your best to express your feelings, but your past experience with doing so has never been easy for you. Each emotion you shared ended in an argument with your parents.

“I’m so glad… please…” Brahms pleads, leaning his forehead against yours. He didn’t have to finish for you to understand what he wanted.

“C’mere…” Your sudden burst of trust hits the two of you like a train. Brahms roughly attacks your neck with his lips and teeth, nipping at all your sensitive areas. Exploring each and every inch, he scopes out which areas you like best.

“Mm, Y/n…” He whimpers, rubbing his needy cock against your body. You had neglected it for far too long, and you wanted to give it some love too.

Lowering your hand down to his member, you stroke him through his pants. Pre-cum leaks from his tip and soaks through his underwear slightly. His moans fill your ears with sweet misery. The lack of being inside of you was killing him, but he wanted to take things slow for you.

“Ah, Y/n…! Please! I’ll be a good boy!” He begs you to allow him entrance, and you agree. Instantaneously, he pulls his clothes off and prepares his painfully hard cock to slide into you.

“Oh! You feel… so tight…!” He didn’t tell you, but this was his first time as well. The first feeling of being inside of someone, especially when that someone is you, was the best feeling he’s ever felt. He couldn’t help himself but pump in and out of you. He tried his best to go slow, but his selfish excitement got the better of him. However, you were far from upset by this.

“Ah! D-don’t… stop…!” You plead with him, and he obliges. Slapping his body into yours in a rhythmic motion causes you to quickly feel that coil in your stomach tighten around him.

“F-fuck…! You’re gonna make me…!” As quickly as it started, your love making ended. The two of you came together simultaneously, and everything felt perfect to you. However, Brahms felt a wave of guilt.

“I… I’m sorry… I wish I had lasted longer… and I shouldn’t have pressured you into this…” He goes on and on about all the things he could’ve done better, but you then stop him with a chaste peck on his lips.

“You were perfect. Thank you,” You lovingly look into his eyes. He searches for any sort of regret, but when he finds none he settles into your arms.

~~~

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