#I couldn't utter my love when it counted oh but I'm singing like a bird about it now

[theodoraflowerday]

shrike by hozier is extremely wilmon and i am having several breakdowns about it

[mysecretlittlelibrary]

The Words Hung Above But Never Would Form

Pairing: Loki x Reader

Word Count: 2.1k

Warnings: let's see fingering, handjobs, riding, marking/Loki with a pain kink- unprotected sex (wrap it or don’t tap it) I think that's it idk

Genre: smut, fluff

Summary: You thought you and Loki wouldn't be more than a casual thing, but there's a reason they say never say never

I couldn't Utter my love when it counted // Ah but I'm singing like a bird to ya now ~ Shrike by Hozier

***

Your relationship with Loki isn't complicated. You call and he comes and- then you cum, all night, usually. It's a simple arrangement, because Loki's incredible in bed, and it's easier than anything you would've asked for from him. You'll admit there was a time you wanted more, but- never mind, there's no need to dwell on that. What you have now is good. It works. The knock on your door comes at exactly 9 o'clock p.m. It's funny, Loki's commitment to punctuality, even for something as low stakes as breaking your back a few times a week. You smile to yourself as you cross your apartment to open the door.

"Hello darling." Loki smirks, his eyes gliding over you.

"Hi Loki, how've you been?" You ask stepping aside to let him into your apartment.

"Busy. I don't know why I thought joining those ridiculous Avengers would be tolerable." Loki rolls his eyes as he drops onto your couch.

"Because it was that or being an intergalactic war criminal?" You remind him, climbing into his lap.

"I'm starting to think I'd be better off never being allowed to return to Midgard." He scoffs and you giggle.

"Oh relax, they can't be that bad, you guys save the world or whatever." You run your fingers through his hair and shower him with quick kisses against his lips.

"You can say that, you've never had to work with them." He mutters between your kisses.

"You're such a baby." You laugh.

"Shut up." He frowns.

"I will if you kiss me." You smirk.

"You-" Loki stops himself as if he didn't quite process your request right away. His hand comes around the back of your neck and he pulls you down for a proper kiss. You moan and Loki uses the opportunity to slip his tongue between your lips. He explores your mouth as he always does, the feeling so familiar yet still as thrilling as the first. It doesn't take long for his mouth to part from yours, traveling down your throat. He nips and sucks at the exposed skin as nimble fingers undo the buttons on your shirt. One of Loki's hands settles against your back as he lowers his head to take an achy nipple between his lips—your back arches against his mouth as he teases the bud with his tongue and teeth. You hardly realize your hips grinding against him until he growls lowly at the friction. Loki's other hand slides across your waist to dip beneath your shorts. Two digits plunge into your already dripping center and his thumb lightly strokes your clit, reveling in the breathy moans coming from you at his hands. He toys with your body like an instrument he's played all his life, a smirk plastered on his face as you grind against his fingers desperately. Quickly, frantically, you undo his pants, pulling his erection out and stroking him.

Loki momentarily loses his rhythm when you touch him and you take advantage of the moment's reprieve to shimmy out of your shorts. It's a bit awkward to do with his dick in your hand admittedly but you manage- although Loki makes it no easier, staring at you as he sucks his fingers clean of your juices. Distracting man. Freed from the barrier of clothing between you, you line him up with your entrance and sink down with a satisfied hum while Loki tosses his head back with a groan. You ride him eagerly, relishing in the drag of him against your walls, the feel of his hands squeezing your hips, the quiet cacophony of grunts and moans leaving his lips. You pull his shirt over his head exposing his pale, sculpted chest to your gaze, but more importantly your hands. He never says anything about it but you know for a fact Loki always cums harder when you mark his skin with evidence of your little trysts. You drag your nails along his body, harsh enough to see the red trails left in your wake, and hear the way Loki's breathing changes at the action. 

Loki, just as in tune with your body as you are with his, watches for the moment signs of an impending orgasm start to reveal themselves before his hand slips between you two, fingers finding your clit again. Your hips stutter for a moment at the stimulation but you only ride him harder as he rubs your bundle of nerves. Loki can feel the moment you tighten against him and with his free hand, he takes over rocking your hips against his as the waves of your orgasm make it impossible to keep pace. He allows you to ride it out before he flips you on your back rutting into you, chasing his own orgasm. When his muscles tense up and his grip on your hips tightens you drag your nails down his back, the groan he releases deep and long as he spills into you. You bask in the afters of your orgasms for several minutes before eventually, you tap his shoulder needing to get up.

"Well this has been fun, as always." You say stretching as he sits up.

"Kicking me out already darling?" He smirks.

"No, you're welcome to hang around but I have to shower." You shrug standing.

"Shall I join you?"

"If you do that I'll need a shower from the shower." You kiss him quickly.

"Seems fine to me."

"Of course it does." You roll your eyes. "Oh I have a date on Saturday so I'll have to let you know if you're still coming over that night." You tell him while you remember.

"A date?" He blinks at you.

"Yes, a date."

"With who?"

"Just a guy I met at a coffee shop." You shrug.

"You never mentioned a guy at a coffee shop." Loki tries to keep his tone light though he's not sure how successful he is.

"I'm mentioning him now. No biggie. Anyway, if you're sticking around I made stir fry- help yourself."

"I'd love to but I actually have something to do at the tower so I have to head back but enjoy your evening, have fun on your date, and maybe see you Saturday." Loki is quick to tug his shirt back over his head and tuck himself into his pants.

"Alright have a good-" Loki's out the door before you can finish your sentence, "night?" You frown to yourself for a moment but don't let yourself dwell on it. He said he had something to do, maybe it was important. No need to assume anything more.

The next few days you're pretty giddy thinking about your date on Saturday with the cute guy from the coffee shop. By the time Saturday rolls around and you're meeting up with Marcus you've barely managed to get your excitement under control. The date is as fun as you could've hoped, you go to a  jazz bar and spend the night giggling over drinks and food while lovely music acts as a soundtrack for your evening. You're even humming to yourself as you walk home from how much you enjoyed the evening.

Back in your apartment you take a shower and get ready for bed with a smile still on your face. Marcus has already suggested going on another date and you're not exactly against the idea of seeing him again. 

It's the next morning, when you're making breakfast that the calm before the storm ends. Your back is turned so you don't notice Loki appear in your apartment until he speaks.

"You know normally I wouldn't care if you left me hanging- but seeing as you went out with a stranger it would've been nice to know if you were alive." Loki's voice makes you jump and almost throw your spatula.

"Christ- Loki we've talked about that. Don't appear in my apartment without warning!" You scold him with an eye roll.

"You're avoiding the subject."

"I'm not. I just don't appreciate being jump scared in my own apartment. Especially not at 11 am on a Sunday. But on the subject, I didn't realize you worried so much about me, I'd have shot you a text when I came in." You shrug.

"Y/n." Loki sighs.

"Is something the matter Loki? Avengers getting under your skin again?" You chuckle.

"What?"

"You seem grumbly this morning. Something get to you before you came here?" You ask.

"I'm not grumbly. You're just- excited. What's with that anyway?"

"Dude- you poofed in here talking about the reason I'm excited. What?"

"All this over some guy?" Loki scoffs.

"He's a very sweet guy thank you very much." You stick your tongue out.

"Oh please." He rolls his eyes.

"If you're just going to be a downer Loki go back to the tower, you're not about to ruin my good mood."

"I'm not being a downer, I'm simply here to remind you not to be impressed by little shit. Him having manners shouldn't make you this giddy." He says.

"I didn't say anything about manners. And besides what would you know? it's not like you're trying to impress me." You let out a half laugh as you speak. Loki pauses for a moment, his brow furrowing as he looks at you.

"Is that what you want from me?"

"No? I mean- that's not what I was implying." You say.

"What are you implying?"

"That you don't have a leg to stand on in the dating conversation, it's not exactly your area of expertise." You shrug.

"I guarantee anything that coffee shop boy did on your little date I can do a hundred times better." Loki scoffs.

"Yeah right." You roll your eyes.

"I'm a god y/n, don't tell me you think I'm at all as mediocre as your mortal men in any capacity."

"I didn't say that."

"Yeah there's a lot you don't say it seems." He crosses his arms.

"What's that supposed to mean?" You frown at him.

"You may not admit it but you're comparing me to your coffee shop boy. It's a battle he'll lose in the end but I'm sure you'll hold out as long as you can."

"Loki we fuck a couple times a week. There's really no reason to compare you two. You're categorized differently." You shrug.

"Categorized differently?" He quirks an eyebrow at you.

"Yeah. He wants to date me. You- don't. So, no need to think about you versus each other."

"You have no- You don't even know this guy."

"You are very much missing the point." You shake your head.

"You are the one missing the point."

"Oh am I? And what point might that be Loki?" You smirk, leaning against your counter with your arms crossed.

"Gods you are so stubborn." Loki huffs out crossing your apartment. Loki's hand cups the side of your face and kisses you fiercely. It's like second nature to you, the way you react immediately, matching him each moment. When he pulls away he doesn't step back, still so close you can feel his breath against your lips.

"You're- a strange being Loki." You say softly.

"It's you that makes me this way."

"I haven't done anything." You say with a slight shake of your head.

"You've gone on a date." He says.

"Well yeah but that has nothing to do with-"

"Y/n." He cuts you off.

"Loki." You say back.

"I love you."

"You what?" You blink at him, so shocked you lean back to look at him better.

"I love you." He says again.

"When did that- what?"

"I love you."

"No, I don't think you do." You shake your head.

"I do. Y/n I do and I may not have said it before but I'm saying it now. Please don't tell me it's too late." His eyes search yours, for what you're not sure.

"Too late?" You frown.

"Your coffee shop guy. I can't lose you to him."

"I don't understand- how long have you felt this way?" You ask.

"Too long."

"Then why not say anything before today?"

"I couldn't, I couldn't when it counted, but I'm saying it now. And I'm hoping I haven't waited too long because- I cannot imagine staying on this dreadful planet without being able to see you, to hold you, to call you mine- like a shrike to your glorious thorn, I cannot survive without you."

"That's rather poetic of you to say." You say carefully.

"It's true."

"I- your timing is- what am I going to do with you?" You shake your head.

"You said dating is 'not my area of expertise', allow me to show you how very false that is."

"Are you asking me on a date Loki?" You smile.

"I'd like to ask for more than that but we can begin there, sure."

"I'm not opposed." You say.

"Very well, enjoy your breakfast. I'll be back this evening to take you out." Loki finally steps back, a cheeky smile on his face.

"Where are we going?" You ask.

"That will be a surprise."

"Well, what should I wear?"

"Whatever you like. You'll look amazing in anything." Loki smirks.

"That's not enough infor-" before you can finish Loki disappears in a flourish of green sparkles. "-mation." You say to the empty air. "Nice. Guess I'll wing it." You mutter to yourself. You can't even manage to be fake mad at him for more than a moment, the possibilities for your upcoming night out filling you with delight as you make breakfast. So, maybe you do want more from him, since that's a possibility now.

***

[kyathedino]

Hey there kiddos, do yall like witherburn after school news? Then boy, do I have eighteen fanfictions for you! (I'm not advertising the The Nut Job one)

That's right, I've gotten *that* desperate. So first up we have 'You Go Queen!' By Kyathedino on ao3, which is a oneshot fic depicting lesbian romance between Tina Young and Scarlett Johnson, written I'd have to say probably before episode three.

Next up is the second work of my series, which inspired the name of WBASN EP 15, 'i couldn't utter my love when it counted (but I'm singing like a bird about it now)' by Kyathedino on Ao3. It's about a possible scenario of if Aria Sanders had been Birdie, and the Reporter's reaction to her going missing.

Then comes the first work, which is not how it happened chronologically but whatever, 'what's the softest way to say (you took away my friend, my buddy)' by Kyathedino on ao3 (you may begin to see a pattern here) which is a scenario in which Christie Lamar was a member of the merry band of misfits, and how they would cope with her disappearance. Possibly receiving a sequel soon.

Then comes the third work in the series, which is 'and i know it's all so shallow (but a shallow cut still stings)' by Kyathedino on ao3, which follows a brief stint in romance between Amelia Farrow-Garcia and April Calloway.

Then comes Jonathan Landry's ep of MAHTM, 'i don't want the world to see me (cause I don't think that they'd understand)' by Kyathedino on Ao3 (okay I'll stop that now yall get it) which is about Jonathan befriending Mr. Pickler's cat Sasha and growing closer to the man himself, causing very much angst when Jon goes missing and nobody is willing to believe the older man when he says that the teen was worth looking for.

After that is my shortest fic to date, titled 'try to follow your light (but it's nighttime)', which is about Dyce calling the reporter's phone thinking that he was calling his mother, and her having to go help him when he was injured (non romantic)

Then comes another Jon ep of MAHTM, titled 'Either Way, It Ends (And All Things End)', which is about Mikinzie Mishra, the girl with the community garden, creating it and telling dyce it's true purpose (to give Jon a place to come home to)

Then comes '2gether 4ever (literally)' which is a crack fic of hunter/dyce, occurring when dyce glues their hands together.

Then there's 'a minute from home (but i feel so far from it)', a fix about Hunter being trans and it not being accepted by his family, as well as the sheriff being extremely creepy, and the expectations that were put upon him and the unsafety he felt (can you tell I'm projecting? I'm projecting)

After that comes 'Rumor Has It', which is Birdie trying to determine the Reporter's identity for sport and accidentally falling in love on the way.

Ignoring the Forbidden one, next up is 'I think my body (is falling in pieces)', which is both Chloe and Evelyn's episode of MAHTM, about the two meeting after Chloe's death of sorts

Following that is another crack hunter/dyce fic, that being 'you have stolen my heart (oh-yeah!)', in which the two of them have a karaoke, somewhat k-pop date with a kid's karaoke machine

Then comes 'Not a lot (just forever)' which is Tina's ep of MAHTM, where Scarlett mourns her in a slightly homosexually-undertoned way, because she no longer had competition to push her into being better.

'i just wanna be a part of your family' is another ep of MAHTM for Tina, which is a scenario in which she was friend's with the reporter as a kid and the reporter has to deal with not having her there anymore.

Then comes my probably most fucked up one, 'when justice is gone (there's always force)', which is about Hunter Clark being a vampire and pretty much psychologically torturing his victims when they start coming back as ghosts, eventually falling in love with one of em. Still in the works, two chapters so far.

Following that is 'lovely, dark, and deep' which is about the Appalachian forest swallowing up Hunter, who used to play in it, year by year, and slowly taking away his ability to exist elsewhere as he grew older.

Then comes 'we deserve a soft epilogue, my love' which is a tma crossover where Jon join the old ladies on Ms. Newberry's porch in knitting and gossiping, and finds true, unconditional happiness in Witherburn as his Somewhere Else.

Finally, 'The Archival Interns' by Kyathedino and Fandom_Compass on ao3. My first collab, and another tma wbasn crossover, this time where The Reporter, Birdie, and Dyce go to intern at the Magnus Archives over the summer.

Aaaaaaaand that's about it. Jesus, I have a lot. And quite a few more yet in production. Either way, prettiest please try em out, and thank you for reading this far lol. God, I need a life.

[anxiety-thyme]

I have massive Hualian brainrot right now. I'm on the third novel they are beautiful and funny and just so so good. (I'm also pretty sure the author has to be a consumer of fanfic based on some of the content. Just saying.) Anyway, I'm listening to Hozier while I work, as one does, and I just can't stop hearing Hualian in his lyrics (note, not take me to church).

I'm having feelings about this.

From Eden:

"There's something lonesome about you something so wholesome about you get closer to me"

and

"There's something broken about this but I might be hoping bout this oh what a sin"

and

"I slithered here from Eden just to sit outside your door"

From Shrike:

"I couldn't utter my love when it counted Ah, but I'm singing like a bird 'bout it now And I couldn't whisper when you needed it shouted Ah, but I'm singing like bird 'bout it now"

And

"I fled to the city with so much discounted Ah, but I'm flying like bird to you now Back to the hedgerows where bodies are mounted Ah, but I'm flying like a bird to you now"

And

"I'd no idea on what ground I was founded All of that goodness is going with you now Then when I met you, my virtues uncounted All of my goodness is going with you now"

From No Plan

"My heart is thrilled by the still of your hand It's how I know that you understand"

The thing I love about all of these is that they are devotion, not necessarily romantic love. Don't get me wrong, they could be, and within the larger context of the songs most of them are.

I'm not going to write any meta, I gave that up when I left academia, but there are some wonderfully written examinations of Hua Cheng's character, his devotion to Xie Lian, and how it is separate from any romantic feelings. This is a great example that I read recently.

[cassynite]

9 Ship Songs

Tagged by @dragonologist-phd for this--thank you so much I always go nuts over song memes :D

I'm just doin all of them for Daerrow since...I don't really have any other canon PWOTR couple lmao

Tagging (is it like a tag 9 thing? I thought it might be so that's what I went for): @molochka-koshka @dmagedgoods @silversiren1101 @tenmillionbees @dragonflytehanu @thesolemnhour @spyridonya @commander-lariel @desnas and of course anyone else who wants to, it's tons of fun

So it Goes by Billy Joel

And every time I held a rose It seems I only felt the thorns And so it goes, and so it goes And so will you soon, I suppose

But if my silence made you leave Then that would be my worst mistake So I will share this room with you And you can have this heart to break

Stray Italian Greyhound by Vienna Teng

Oh no, not now Please not now I've just settled into the glass half empty Made myself at home

And so why now? Oh please not now I just stopped believing in happy endings In harbors of my own

But you had to come along, didn't you Tear down the doors Throw open windows Oh, if you knew just what a fool you had made me

Zephyrus by the Oh Hellos

So let me melt down like mountain glaciers Break the bonds I've been holding onto Let them soften me

Till every part that I am made of Waters deep to the roots of something greener

Shrike by Hozier

I couldn't utter my love when it counted Ah, but I"m singing like a bird bout it now I couldn't whisper when you needed it shouted Ah, but I'm singing like a bird bout it now

The words hung above but never would form Like a cry at the final breath that is drawn Remember me, love when I'm reborn As a shrike to your sharp and glorious thorn

Malibu by Miley Cyrus

I always thought I would sink, so I never swam I never want boatin', don't get how they are floatin' And sometimes I just get so scared Of what I can't understand

But here I am Next to you The sky's more blue In Malibu

All This and Heaven Too by Florence + The Machine

No words, poor language It doesn't deserve such treatment And all my stumbling phrases Never amounted to anything worth this feeling

All this heaven never could describe Such a feeling as I'm healing Words were never so useful So I was screaming out a language That I never knew existed before

Save me by Gotye

And all the dead ends, disappointments Faded from your memory Ready for that lonely life to end

And you gave me love when I could not love myself And you made me turn from the way I saw myself And you're patient, love And you help my help myself And you save me, and you save me, yeah you save me

Gold Rush by Taylor Swift

I don't like a gold rush, gold rush I don't like anticipating my face in a red flush I don't like that anyone would die to feel your touch

Everybody wants you Everybody wonders what it would be like to love you Walk past, quick flush I don't like slow motion double vision in rose blush I don't like how falling feels like flying till the bone crush

Everybody wants you But I don't like a gold rush

Peace by Taylor Swift

But I'm a fire, and I'll keep your brittle heart warm If your cascade ocean wave blues come All these people think love's for show But I would die for you in secret

The devil's in the details, but you've got a friend in me Would it be enough if I could never give you peace?

[heartshapedcas]

I couldn't utter my love when it counted ah but I'm singing like a bird bout it now I couldn't whisper when you needed it shouted oh but I'm singing like a bird bout it now

[soignante]

Hello! I’m not sure if you’re still active on here anymore, but in any case I reread Kintsugi and got really emo and made a short playlist for it! It’s mostly folksy stuff that gave me the vibes of your story and characters (which I absolutely adore).

I’ll just. Leave it here 👉👈

Also, lyrics from each song that made me go ‘OH this is kintsugi!erik and Christine’ are under the cut

1. Man or a monster (Sam Tinnesz)

In your hands / There's a touch that can heal / But in those same hands / Is there the power to kill / Are you a man or a monster?

2. How to embrace a swamp creature (The Mountain Goats)

Got out of bed, could not remember my own name / Condemned to walk the soil amongst all creatures wild and tame

3. Ghosting (Mother Mother)

And this is why I have decided / To pull these old white sheets from my head / I'll leave them folded neat and tidy / So that you'll know I'm out of hiding

4. Age of kings (The Mountain Goats)

Held you in my arms for the first time that day / Felt like God's anointed when you didn't push me away / Gold light shining on so many things / In the age of kings

5. Escapism (Steven Universe)

But pulled against the grain / I feel a little pain / That I would rather do without / I'd rather be free

6. Curses (The Crane Wives)

Every word I say is kindling / But the smoke clears when you're around / Won't you stay with me, my darling / When my walls start burning down?

7. Community gardens (The Scary Jokes)

Full disclosure / I am a monster, a creature of despair / Not that that should be a cause for concern

8. Human (dodie)

Paint me in trust / I'll be your best friend / Call me the one / This night just can't end / Oh, I'm so human / We're just human

9. Honeybee (Steam Powered Giraffes)

You didn't have to look my way / Your eyes still haunt me to this day / But you did. Yes, you did

10. Shrike (Hozier)

I couldn't utter my love when it counted / Ah, but I'm singing like a bird 'bout it now / I couldn't whisper when you needed it shouted / Ah, but I'm singing like a bird 'bout it now

11. Wait for me II (Hadestown)

I'll tell you where the real road lies: / Between your ears, behind your eyes / That is the path to Paradise / Likewise, the road to ruin

12. Dear Wormwood (The Oh Hellos)

I know who I am now / I know who I want to be / I want to be more than / This devil inside of me

13. Absolute lithops effect (The Mountain Goats - again. Sorry)

And I feel sure that my wounds will heal / And I will bloom here in my room / With a little water and a little bit of sunlight / And a little bit of tender mercy, tender mercy

It’s quite short and simple, but I hope you like the music ^^ Thank you for the beautiful writing, and have a nice day!

[carabinerheart]

when hozier said 'i couldn't utter my love when it counted, oh but i'm singing like a bird 'bout it now' // post confession dean thinking about what he would have told cas if given the time

[hardforbenhardy]

somebody to love pt.2 | rogerxreader

warnings: fluff, sad vibes a lil, smallest tiniest inference of sex (blink and you’ll miss it)

word count: 4.1k

part 2 of somebody to love is here! it’s going a little slow, but i promise, we will get some roger/reader action next chapter!!

taglist: @jennyggggrrr

It is finally Monday, the day you've been dreading all weekend after the little... incident. Your minds been clouded with thoughts of what Roger may do, you could barely spend time with your Ma and Pa the whole of yesterday. Not to mention, they were kind of disappointed at the fact you didn't have the money to pay for their water bills. You’re pulled from your dreams by the blaring sound of your alarm from your bedside table, a groan releasing from your lips as you push yourself from the comfort of your silk sheets. You can hear Freddie's angelic voice soaring through the apartment as he sings along to the radio; it's like waking up to the melodic tunes of birds outside your window, but better. You quickly got dressed, knowing you don't have a lot of time before you need to be in school, and run down stairs to grab a snack from the kitchen. Freddie notices you, but instead of saying anything, he just gave you a huge grin and a thumbs up as a form of motivation. It's strange how Freddie is able to light up any room he is in, if only you had that ability, you may actually have friends. Not that you don't like your life already- sure it has its rather larger downsides, but you like spending time by yourself; it's calming, you don't have to rely on people and most importantly people don't have to rely on you. It's just, you’re fucking lonely. That's it basically. Everyone your age is in relationships, or sleeping around, or at least getting it on with someone in more than a friendship kind of way - and you’re just not. You wander through the university campus to class, which starts in 10 minutes, and you see couples cuddling and/or making out; large groups of friends laughing and having fun; the sport teams having a large football match on the field; the drama club sitting around to learn their scripts; even the music club playing their instruments to mildly entertain passers by such as you (which in fact, it is much more irritating than it is entertaining at 9 in the morning). Everyone seems so active and full of joy, and then there's you. You don't know why you’re so separated from everyone else, you've just always been like this. You remember on the first day of secondary school, you were sat alone the whole day; no one sat with you, spoke to you, no one even knew your name - you were known as "that weird girl" for the first 3 months of your education, until the teacher finally picked on you to present in class and you had to start by saying your name. You liked it then if you were being honest, you didn't have to reach anyone's expectations and you certainly weren’t a victim of peer pressure - but now it just makes you feel like a piece of shit. Sure, you have Freddie, but it's not exactly much is it. You just wish you had someone who would love you for you and actually want to spend time with you; is that so much to ask for?

As you entered the dry lab, you noticed that everyone was there but one person in particular. Roger. Fuck sake, where is he? You went to sit in your secluded seat, in the corner of the room, praying to God Roger wasn't in today at all and he had bunked off. Your racing thoughts were interrupted by Mrs. Smith raising her voice:

"Okay, class, instead of a test, we are doing a small practical today - it doesn't go towards anything, but it is important we understand the skills and can therefore apply it to any furt-" And with that, Roger burst through the door, panting and wheezing like he had just ran a mile. "Ah, Mister Taylor, late again are we? Look, if you want to get your degree, I suggest you buckle down and get here on time - this isn't an easy course and I'm not going to teach you if this is how you treat it"

"Sorry, my um, my car broke down and I had to run to school" Roger heaved, placing both his hands on his knees as he faced the ground and took in long hard breaths. Droplets of sweat glided down his forehead as he attempted to catch his breath, and you couldn't help but admire the way it framed his face; his hair still scraggly from sleep, and his clothes slightly torn from what you presumed was multiple trips when running. He looked strangely sexy. Fuck. Why were you thinking like this? But it's true... his voice was raspy and choked, from the running - but you can only imagine that's what he always sounds like when he's exhausted. When else might he be exhausted? God, you could only imagine his voice whispering into my ears after a long, hard -

"Do you mind love?" - you were pulled from your daydream, looking up to see him stood there, staring at the empty seat beside you. Your heart began to beat at an irregular pace. Why is he talking to you? Why is he sitting next to you? Did he just call you love? Does he recognise you? Is this some kind of sick joke to him? "Oh- uh, n-no" you stuttered, struggling to even form a simple sentence after your overwhelming wave of emotions which had just washed over you. He threw his briefcase on the floor beside him; pulling out his folder, which was half the size of yours, making you wonder whether Roger actually takes notes in this class or rather it's all just stored in that incredible brain of his. God he is so smart. And sometimes, like today, he has to wear his glasses in class if he forgets his sunglasses, which perfectly frame his face; they make him look so fucking sexy. OMG what the fuck is going on with you?! "Uh- uhm, why are you sitting next to me?" you barely choked out, trying to take your mind off the whole... Roger's incredibly overwhelming persona.

"Prof said we are partnered for this practical, love" He explained, tone still deep and stifled although his breathing has began to go back to normal. You could sense an awkward tension between the two of you the moment he sat down; you knew this was a bad idea and you knew you should've just bunked off. As he began to prepare the equipment for the practical, you couldn't help but stare at his face; his eyes clouded over as he bites his bottom lip from utter concentration. "See something you like?"

He lifted his head, smirking in your direction after you snap out of my trance; you had been staring at him while chewing on the end of your pen. "Oh- uhh, sorry. Sorry. Nice glasses" you panicked, swiftly turning your head in the other direction, until you heard a chuckle and a small 'thanks' come from beside you- which you were instantly able to recognise as Rogers, considering he was the only person who has sat next to you in the past few months on this course. The suspense in the atmosphere only got heightened with every second going past, and you couldn't bare to sit here anymore. "Look, I know you saw me on Saturday. I don't know if you've sat here to tease me or take the piss or whatever but I'm not in the fucking mood- I'm surviving off 3 hours sleep and 5 coffees so if you're not even going to talk to me about what you saw, then you can piss off"

Roger doesn't say anything to respond, and instead just looked at you with a semblance of speechlessness, as if he's trying to conjure up a sentence in which he won't offend or make things more awkward than they already are - failing of course as he eventually comes out with "Y-you have nice moves". You felt your cheeks immediately blush, getting redder and redder; although his words sent chills down your spine, you couldn't let it show.

"What the fuck Roger!" you exclaimed, slapping his arm harder than you originally intended, as he acknowledged it with a sharp 'ow' and quickly reached to rub the now-red area as a way of soothing it. "Sorry . But seriously, you can't tell anyone. Please. If you do, my life will be fucking ruined and I plan on actually doing something with it and if people fin-"

"Y/N, I'm not going to tell anyone." He quickly retorted, making your head turn to face him as a sudden feeling of shock ran through you. Why wouldn't he tell people? "R-really?!" you spluttered, the words barely reaching the surrounding.

"Why would I tell people?"

"Erm, because it's not exactly a thing I should be proud of and you could ruin my life with it and that's kind of what you popular kids do, not to mention you probably think I'm a slut or something because of it" you mumbled, shying away from making any form of eye contact with him. Mainly because the atmosphere is getting increasingly more awkward by the second, but also because you can't deny; you could stare into his eyes all day and I'm afraid if you start you may not be able to stop.

"I'm not that much of a dickhead, love. I don't know why you have... that job, but I'm not going to go around spreading your personal shit."

"Right, sorry. Thank you." you let a fake smile grow on your face, and once noticing him return a wide grin - it became a real one. There was a small moment of silence before you asked one question that had undoubtedly been on my mind all weekend; "W-what were you actually doing there? There are never any lads younger than 30 in that place"

"Oh, erm, I was meant to meet a girl there"

"For a date? You were going to take a girl on a date to a strip club" you emphasised, trying your hardest not to laugh loudly at the idiocy of the Rogers idea of a good date.

"Yeah. But I didn't know it was a strip club - she was the one who gave me the address and told me to meet her there. But she never showed." He explained, with a small sadness to his tone. You felt a pang of guilt and empathy wash over you as he spoke, understand completely how it feels to be stood up; it has happened on multiple occasions and you've basically accepted it's your destiny to be alone by now. "Oh, I'm sorry. She sounds like a bitch"

"She kind of was - I only agreed to the date because she was a good shag" Roger muttered under his breath, most likely hoping you didn't hear him; but you did. You almost choked at his statement, but really you just feel a little shit. You know, of course, Roger is what some might call a 'ladies man'; but the idea of him sleeping around isn't something you keep on your mind because you let it get to you. You say you'd like to be one of those girls, but honestly, you don't just want to be a one time shag that Roger has before moving onto the next. Which is exactly the reason you had originally attempted to push all the feelings you had for Roger deep, deep down - but of course they can't stay down for long, because as soon as Roger walked in the room, you had fallen all over again. And before you knew it, it was the end of the session. Which meant you'd now have to go to the library for the next 4 hours, sitting by yourself and reading over your notes for the hundredth time, pretending like you didn't just want to scrap all your work and quit. As you began to pack my stuff away, you heard Roger cough beside me - in the kind of way that says he's asking for your attention. "Hey, Y/N?"

"Yeah?"

"Erm, I'm performing at Imperial tonight, would you maybe want to come along? I understand if you're busy or something, I mean you are always studying, not that that's a bad thing but I understand if you can't come, I just thought you could do with some fun and I think you're a really nice girl and I wanted to hang out some more you know- but like I said, you don't have to come, you're probably super busy so" Roger muttered, looking to the floor whilst twiddling his thumbs; nerves prominent in his tone. A wide grin grew on your face as he spoke; he wanted to hang out.

"I'd love to - like you said, I could do with a night out that doesn't involve biology in any form." you smiled, as Rogers head shoots up and he gives you a smile that just seems so genuinely sweet with just the right touch of shyness that unexpected warmth rushed through you. He threw his bag over his shoulder, before heading out; you following shortly after. "So, what do you mean by performing?"

"Oh, well I'm in a band with some of my mates, it's nothing much. We play every Sunday and Monday night." He explained, hands in his jean pockets as he walked me home. Slightly stunned by his admission, you looked up at him before asking "What do you play then?"

"Oh, I'm the drummer"

And with that, you were frozen in your place as you stood in shock at the new revelation. Roger Taylor was a drummer? Your eyes widened and your mouth fell ajar at the unfamiliar thought, your mind trying to comprehend such information. Not only is Roger Taylor smoking hot, super kind (well, he seemed) AND incredibly intelligent - but he also plays the drums? Just when you thought he possibly couldn't get any more attractive, he goes and pulls this out of the bag. Roger notices your sudden halting, and turns to look at you with a confused face; "Hey, you okay? You need help?" He cautioned, the worry prominent in his tone, snapping you out of the trance you were in.

"What? Oh, yeah, sorry, just got lost in my thoughts" you chuckled, looking towards the ground as embarrassment grew on your cheeks, pacing forward to catch up with Roger who was at least 5 steps in front of you. "Penny for your thoughts?"

"Huh?" you questioned, furrowing your brows as your head shot up to face. If he was now going to make you come up with a fake thought in less than five seconds, you think you may just freak out, because there is no way you can explain to him that you fancy him and therefore was dreaming about the absolute charmer he was. "Penny for your thoughts - what you thinking about?"

Fuck.

"What are we, 5 years old?" you giggled, putting a sharp facade of humour when you knew deep down your brain was racking for something, anything that may sound at least an inch better than 'I think I may love you'.

"Come on, I can tell something's bothering you. You can trust me you know - I thought I'd have proven that by now"

"I just... why are you talking to me?" you sputter out, it being the first thing to come to your head.

"What on earth do you mean?"

"I mean, why are you even associating yourself with me - I'm the weird loner who sits in the back of class, who no one talks to, or even looks at, who has one friend and has a job as a stripper. I'm not stupid Roger, I know people don't want to associate themselves with the 'quiet' girl, so why are you?" you ranted, finally releasing a long breath after venting, feeling tears pricked your eyes as you realised you were now facing your actual reality. Why was Roger suddenly trying to be your friend? "I mean, was this some kind of dare? Or have you decided you want to add me to your list of sexual escapades because don't think I haven't noticed you've only started talking to me after seeing me strip. Or do you just want to cheat your way through the course, hoping I'll end up doing your work for you?"

You stopped after hearing a small chuckle from beside you, and looked to see Rogers face sporting a little grin, clearly amused by you. "Do you know what, just fuck off. Forget about tonight, I'm leaving" you raged, beginning to storm away as anger boiled inside you at Rogers apparent sense of humour, or lack thereof. He seriously found this funny, whilst you stood here, opening up feelings you would never usually share to anyone apart from Freddie. You tended to struggle opening up about your emotions to people, unless you have a decent amount of wine in my system to flush away the shame that is. Instead, you keep them buried deep down, and you know they're bound to erupt one day- you have a slight feeling today might just be the day. You were halted in your motion as the tight grasp of a hand clutched onto your wrist, causing you to stumble back. "No, wait, Y/N m'sorry! I wasn't laughing at you, I promise."

His apologetic tone rang in your ears, tears threatening to roll down your cheeks once again as you realised how pathetic you were actually being. "The fuck were you laughing at then, 'cause I don't see any fucking clowns wandering 'round here"

"I-I, I wasn't laughing at you! I just, well, I don't really have a reason- why do I need a reason? You are super cool and you seem nice, I just wanted to get to know you."

"You still didn't answer my question." you grumbled, pouting your lips out as you dropped your head to face the floor; your cheeks beginning to redden at the idea that Roger just wanted to get to know you. No one ever just wanted to get to know you; there was always a reason. They would use you to up their grade a little; they would feel sorry for you because you’re a fucking loner; they would attempt to be friendly in hopes of getting you into their bed for the night. That was admittedly the worst one, considering it was the most common. You have never had a true friend, let alone boyfriend, so you can certainly count on yourself to be the biggest virgin gracing this earth. You'd think having a job which was in that kind of area, you’d be basically the opposite; but you agreed with yourself when you started the job that if there was one thing you would never ever turn to, it'd be sleeping with the men in the club. Not only were they almost twice my age, but they weren't exactly the most graceful, gentlemanly men you'll ever meet. Not that Roger was any more chivalrous, from what you'd heard, but at least you were the same age and you actually know him. Though you may be completely conflicting personalities; you being a quiet, reserved, and overall anxious character and Roger being one of loud, adventurous, energetic tendencies; they say opposites attract... right?

"Okay, well, maybe I was laughing at you - but not in a bad way. I was just thinking, you are kind of cute when you are angry y'know" Roger confessed, trying to come off as if he was confident and almost flirty in his words, but you swear you saw his teeth grind from nerves as he spoke.You began to feel your cheeks flush at his simplistically adorable words. "I swear to god, Roger Taylor, if you are trying to flirt with me - I will walk away right now" you giggled, poking his chest a little harder than you expected, gaining a laugh from Roger too. As the laughter died down, you realised you had reached yours and Freddie's flat already, and you still had hours to kill until tonight.

"Erm, this is my block" you muttered, pointing to the entrance of the block of flats you were slowly approaching.

"I know - we live in the same block." He chuckled, opening the door and standing against it, his arm gesturing you to walk through. Maybe he was a gentleman? "Thank you. How come I never see you around the block?"

"I don't know - I've seen you around a few times, usually when you are going out in the evening; presumably to work. I mean, you are always in the library"

"I guess." you chuckled, beginning to walk up the steps to the third floor, where your flat resided. Roger followed swiftly behind, attempting to catch up with you. There was silence as you walked up the stairs; but it wasn't the uncomfortable kind of silence. It was more the kind where you just enjoy each others company in the moment. The better kind. Once you had reached your apartment door, Roger stopped, almost as if he knew where it was without even asking. You didn't bother to question how he knew which flat you lived in, and instead just began unlocking the door.

"I'll, erm, I guess I'll see you tonight? Meet me backstage once we finished our set?" He asked, leaning on his side against the entrance banister. You looked up, but continued turning the key in the lock with movement memory, swiftly taking the key out the lock and opening the door to walk through. "Yeah, of course. You don't mind if I bring Freddie with me do you? He loves a night out"

"Fred's your roommate right? Yeah, sure" He nodded, twiddling his thumbs together. You swear you heard him sigh and possibly roll his eyes at your suggestion, but you gave him a quick smile, as if to say 'see you tonight' before closing the door behind yourself and releasing a loud sigh. As soon as you had locked it, you slid down the wooden door letting out a muffled scream into the bundled coat now in your lap. You could hear Freddie's steps approaching you from the living room, quick paced with urgency. "You alright, darling?"

"Fucking amazing Fred" You grinned, the pace of your heart gradually decreasing again after its irregular habits when you were with Roger.

"I suspect it has something to do with the fact that I heard the one and only Roger Taylor's voice as you walked in the door?" He chuckled, finding your lustful infatuation merely a piece of comedy for his entertainment. "So where is it you are taking me for a night out then?"

"Roger invited me out to the Imperial, he's performing with his band - He plays the drums, Fred. I thought he was already an angel but then he reveals he's a fucking drummer too. Fred, I think I may just suffer a heart attack if I spend even one more second around him."

"So Roger invited you out? And you asked if I could come along? I think your brain has finally fizzled out, love. Are you completely insane?"

"I don't want to die. And I'm sure it'll happen if I have to spend any more time with him alone." you sighed, your heart beating out your chest at the mere thought of spending time with Roger by yourselves. God, how am you meant to cope in a relationship with him when you can barely even hold a conversation. "I said I'd meet him backstage after their set, so we should leave around 8? What should I wear? I don't own any nice clothes Fred! All my clothes are baggy jumpers and joggers - ugh Fred take me shopping!"

"You know I can't turn down a shopping spree darling, grab your shoes and coat!" Freddie exclaimed, making you chuckle under your breath at his extravagance. He held out his hand, which you hesitantly took into line, and yanked you up from your previously comfortable position you found for yourself on the floor. You pulled on your boots and coat, wrapping your scarf around your neck to accommodate for the autumn weather outside. Fred told you of a store just a 10 minute walk from the flat, which was his favourite shop to buy clothes in; Biba. He had never really mentioned the store until a few days back, after going to a small gig by himself. You just remember him coming home relatively sober and with a look of infatuation growing on his face and in his eyes. He never really talks about what happened that night - you just presumed he'd maybe had a good hookup.

[voidtone]

listening to sunlight by hozier on this, the day of me coming out to my mom as bi (and her taking it well!) and it's hitting pretty hard

know that i would gladly be the Icarus to your certainty

oh sunlight, sunlight, sunlight

also listening to:

wouldn't it be nice | the beach boys

wouldn't it be nice if we were older? then we wouldn't have to wait so long

shrike (live at windmill lane studios) | hozier

i couldn't utter my love when it counted. ah, but i'm singing like a bird 'bout it now

be | hozier

love won't you be, be as you've always been

like real people do | ibid. (you get the idea.)

i knew that look, dear, eyes always seeking, was there in someone that dug long ago

and, as is traditional, take me to church.

[caitlin-elias]

When Hozier said "I couldn't utter my love when it counted, oh but I'm singing like a bird of it now" that RIPPED my heart out

[siamesegiant]

The Hargreeves as Wasteland, Baby! lyrics

Luther: Be

And lover, be good to me.

Be the hopeful feeling when Eden was lost,

That's been deaf to our laughter since the master was crossed.

Which side of the wall really suffers that cost?

Oh lover, be good to me.

Diego: Shrike

I couldn’t utter my love when it counted,

Ah, but I'm singing like a bird, 'bout it now.

I couldn't whisper when you needed it shouted,

Ah, but I'm singing like a bird, 'bout it now.

The bite on above

But never would fall in

Like a crane at the final breath that is drawn.

Allison: Sunlight

Told before and told again,

A soul that's born in cold and rain,

Knows sunlight.

At last can grant a name,

To a buried and a burning flame,

As love and its decisive pain,

Oh my sunlight.

Klaus: Nobody

If I had the choice between hearing either noise,

The excitement of a thousand, or the soothing of your voice,

At first chance, I'd take the bed warmed by the body,

I once warmed my hands over a burnin’ Maserati.

Five: Wasteland, Baby!

All the things yet to come are the things that have passed,

Like the holding of hands, like the breaking of glass,

Like the bonfire that burns, that all words in the fight fell to.

Ben: To Noise Making (Sing)

Who could ask you be unbroken or be brave again?

Or, honey, hope even on this side of the grave again?

And who could ask you to be sound or to feel saved again?

Just stick around until you hear that music play again.

Vanya: Nina Cried Power

It’s not the wall, but what’s behind it.

Oh, the fear of fellow man, it’s mere assignment,

And everything that we’re denied,

By keeping the divide,

It's not the waking, it's the rising.

BONUS

Eudora: No Plan

When I'm lying under marble,

Marvel at flowers you'll have made.

[tastethegrace]

Analysis from Week 1 - Thomas Merton

I'm going to try to compile my notes this week into a brief reflection for each section of the passage.

“What is serious to men is often very trivial in the sight of God. What in God might appear to us as "play" is perhaps what he Himself takes most seriously."

I kept coming back to this quote every couple of days. This speaks to the great inversion of values, the difference between humans and God. I love how what God takes seriously is what might appear to humans as "play." Consider what this means. The first thing that came to my mind was...God has fun. And he takes his fun seriously. That might be obvious, but it's worth noticing. The second thing is that, considering what humans consider "play," this seems to refer to reveling in the moment, matters of the heart, matters of patterns, music, dance, joy, laughter...everything that makes life worth living. God is a God of play.

At any rate, the Lord plays and diverts Himself in the garden of His creation, and if we could let go of our own obsession with what we think is the meaning of it all, we might be able to hear His call and follow Him in His mysterious, cosmic dance.

What I found fascinating here was that God seems to set the tone by playing himself. Then, he invites us to play with him. We just don't hear him because we're too busy trying to figure out why creation is the way it is.

This reminds me a lot of Ted Dekker's books. In several, a Jesus figure is written as a boy, full of mischief and fun, but also full of uncommon depth and compassion.

We do not have to go very far to catch echoes of that game, and of that dancing. When we are alone on a starlit night; when by chance we see the migrating birds in autumn descending on a grove of junipers to rest and eat; when we see children in a moment when they are really children; when we know love in our own hearts; or when, like the Japanese poet Bashō we hear an old frog land in a quiet pond with a solitary splash--at such times the awakening, the turning inside out of all values, the "newness," the emptiness and the purity of vision that make themselves evident, provide a glimpse of the cosmic dance.

I love this section. Echoes of that dancing. As St. John of the Cross put it, "We realize that the Beloved has passed this way in haste...we see traces of the divine." All of these moments, whether they be the natural processes of creation, a momentary realization of pure innocence, or a window into real love...all of these things are traces of the divine.

I love the words Merton chooses here to describe all these moments....awakening, the turning inside out of all values, the newness, the emptiness and the purity of vision... On that last one, emptiness seems less to be about absence and more about patience. I only say this because it's easy to think about emptiness as someone taking something away...but I think it's more like a blank canvas. It's pure. It's waiting to be filled.

For the world and time are the dance of the Lord in emptiness. The silence of the spheres is the music of a wedding feast. The more we persist in misunderstanding the phenomena of life, the more we analyze them out into strange finalities and complex purposes of our own, the more we involve ourselves in sadness, absurdity and despair. But it does not matter much, because no despair of ours can alter the reality of things; or stain the joy of the cosmic dance which is always there. Indeed, we are in the midst of it, and it is in the midst of us, for it beats in our very blood, whether we want it to or not.

This section really got to me.

The first two lines really focus on the poetry of creation. How the world itself is the dance of the Lord. How the silence of the stars, sun and moon overhead is the music. How beautiful that is to think about! The heavenly bodies themselves sing in silence to accompany the Lord's dance, which is in fact, the Earth spinning and moving, teeming with life.

The middle section is interesting as well. Humans often misunderstand the phemonoma around us. We come up with "strange finalities" and "complex purposes of our own." I love these phrases. We think we've reached the end when we haven't scratched the surface. We make complex what is so simple. We force the purposes to be human-centered, when they are far more universal. We make what is big small, and what is small, big.

It is the end that got me hard. No despair we can possibly have can alter REALITY. No despair can stain the JOY of the DANCE, always there. It BEATS in our BLOOD, whether we WANT IT TO OR NOT. A few things here: I love this proclamation that the Dance will keep going, whether or not we acknowledge it. The Dance itself is reality. But not only are we the midst of this grand, cosmic movement in time, but that dance also moves through us. It is in the midst of us. It beats in our blood whether we want it to or not. I freaking love this visceral, physical image. Our circulatory system, our cells, our heartbeat...all of it is to the rhythm of the dance. And we can't stop it from doing so.

Yet the fact remains that we are invited to forget ourselves on purpose, cast our awful solemnity to the winds and join in the general dance.”

When someone forgets themselves, they do something that is not characteristic of them, or forget where they are/who they are with. Basically, it's usually by accident, and it's usually embarrassing. However, we are invited to do this on purpose and join in with what the rest of creation is already doing.

This reminds me of David dancing naked in the streets, and how pelased God was.

I have other notes I'm going to include here that are from Jim Finley's discussion of the text. I pulled so much from here that was important.

1. Merton once said at a talk that Creation was never a one-time thing. It happens all the time. Creation is absolute and perpetual. So, ultimately speaking, the infinite presence of God is pouring itself out, giving itself away, and presencing itself as the intimate immediacy of our very presence, the presence of others, and the presence of all things, which are nothingness without God.

--I have been chewing on this all week. Creation is absolute, meaning that it is total, without qualifications. Creation is also perpetual, meaning that it never ends. If you consider that it is the presence of God that creates, wouldn't that mean that his very presence is what sustains us? And what is another word for presence? Intimacy. Love. So therefore, the Love of God is what sustains us (more on this next).

--When we see intimate presence, whether in ourselves, other people, or in nature, that's because God is pouring his love out on that thing, always being present to it and through it. His love is the whole reason it exists in the first place.

2. “You are nothing -- absolutely nothing-- outside and other than the love of God giving itself to you as your very life. But it is your very nothingness without God that makes your presence to be the presence of God. That’s the paradox that lies at the heart of all reality, which then renders that the universe is God’s body -- embodying forth the love that is uttering it into being.”

--Jim Finley went on to use the following example. "If God stopped loving you when I counted to three, on three, you would cease to exist." God doesn't just create once and then make sure it keeps going, he creates every single breath, every single movement of cells, everything in me that grows, everything in me that dies...it's all a new outpouring of his love. Every breath is a new creation.

--I LOVE this idea that all of creation is an embodiment of the love of God. It brings concreteness to something abstract so that it can be grasped, at least in some form.

3. “In God, we live and move and have our being.” - Acts 17:28 “We’re living our life in the vast interiority of God, pouring herself out and giving herself away, as every breath, heartbeat, and passing moment of our lives.”

--First, this is a moment where God is referred to in the feminine. Again, I love that so much. It's beautiful. "Pouring out" is an action that is especially powerful when God is viewed as a mother.

--The idea that I am living within God's love, that it is so vast that it covers me, surrounds me, and penetrates within me...it makes me realize how hard it is to remember it.

--Jim gave the following example: Imagine that you lived in a mansion, but due to an unfortunate mental condition, you thought you lived in a tent behind the garage. A therapist might say to you, "I would never lie to you about this. You actually live in the mansion." And then you say, "No, I couldn't. I don't even feel worthy to go inside that place." This example SLAYED me, because it is me. It's why earlier in the week, I was surprised by how much anger and resistance was aroused by this meditation. It's like something in me recognized the implications of this before my mind did. I reacted as though I did not want the mansion to reach me. I didn't want the love of God to touch and embrace that thing within me that I hate so much. This week has been about learning to relent and receive in that way.

I am a blind man that, every now and then, is awakened to the reality that I live in the mansion of God's love, but then I go blind again. I forget. I cannot abide in it as I wish to. Which leads me to the next point.

4. “We are to put our faith in the love that is giving itself to us in our inability to abide in it. In my inability to abide in it, it abides in me, precious in my confusion and wayward ways.”

--In my weakness, he is strong. "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9

--The image that it is in the very fact that I am unable to abide in God, that God, that God abides in me even more...I am secure, even when I'm not. I am always held. God is relentless. God loves weakness. That thing I hate? God embraces it. Oh, sweet weakness! You are precious in the sight of God. My confusion is precious in the sight of God. My wayward ways are precious in the sight of God. Why? Because in my weakness, he covers me. The strength and light of his love protects me. His grace guides me. In my heart, I am a child, and God is my mother. I am the lost sheep that he finds over and over again, rejoicing every time. In my own strength, I am nothing. But in my NOTHINGNESS, I am everything, for God dwells in THAT place. k

Things that have challenged me this week:

- The idea that all of creation doesn't just testify to God's presence, goodness, and love, but that it in and of itself is divine, because God is dancing. When he dances, things come to life. His dance is a dance of love. Which leads me to my next challenging idea.

- I am God. Let me clarify this. I am not God himself. There is a separateness in identity. But I am divine in the sense that I am created in and through the love of God, constantly, all the time. I am One and always endeavoring to be more One with God. We are unified in that love. God makes me every moment and says, "It is very good."

These ideas push hard against what I've grown up with: an understanding that I am a lowly sinner that is totally undeserving. Here's the thing, though. I know that I am undeserving of God's grace. But I am not lowly. My righteousness is not as filthy rags. That might be what the biblical writers thought of themselves, but that is not what God thinks of me at all.

Perhaps it is good to begin in a place of understanding our humble place in the vast cosmos and our redemptive need for God's grace so that we do not grow entitled. But I think that I'm now beginning to grow up in my faith. I'm just beginning to embrace the constant newness, inversion, and divine nature that comes with being called a saint and a son of God. These things are true of us now. Right now. Yet I have been blind to see the fruit. I just want to breathe it all in, all of the goodness, all of the love of God, and keep breathing it. I want to see it move. I want to see the hidden things, the mysteries, unfold before my eyes in the smallest of ways. I want to dance with God. I want to know the steps. I want to laugh with him, and I want him to hold me as I cry with him. He is everywhere, and he is in me. I am one piece of his nature, completely unique, and yet totally Him.

All of this stuff may not hit you the way it's hitting me, and that's okay. I'll probably forget it this time next week.

But God is good, God is gracious, and God is Love. And so I will be grateful that He has opened my eyes, even for a few moments, to see just how big His love and His grace actually are.