#I cried like 30 times while drawing these (I’m not joking I was fighting tears)

[clambuoyance]

[DC] 🎵How I find myself without you that I’ll never know, I let myself go🎵

[shhhlikeme]

Nin’s Matchup!

(SFW + NSFW)

Matchup Profile: Sfw+nsfw matchup pretty pls! (1/5) Name: Nin>Female>5’4>Film & sfx/theatrical makeup freelancer>V athletic in MS-HS: ballet, was in volley ball, soccer &Basketball teams>Miss my prime days>Scared to start workout again b/c I’ll get lightheaded>If sum1 helps push me through initial fear, I’ll keep growing from there> Likes chilling in ballet stretch poses>paints, photographs&draws as hobby>draws a pic a day (mostly portraits)>writing a comic atm >Always plan contingencies.🦄

(2/5) >embarrassed of my loud laugh(it’s like Kuroo’s)>introvert>not afraid to lead a team tho> V shy & quiet most times>8/10 times, feels awk in public,like idk what i’m saying, but others told me I seem social>Once I’m comfy w/ u, i joke a lot(occasional mum jokes 2 annoy+Sassy dirty ones w/ S/O)>hides behind ppl who likes 2 talk, but not when they’re 2 loud>laughs @ mistakes/when embarrassed>Will stop mistreatment, even if I get in trouble>values communication&genuine discussions🦄

(3/5) Sings when home alone>competes @ Street Fighter tournaments, trains everyday 4 it>Sings “Hit Me W/ Your Best Shot” when fighting bosses in game&swears melodically when i lose>eats chips w/ chopsticks >make hats out of my cat fur when bored>Workahokic night🦉>likes 2 teach >full convos w/ my 🐱>LIVES in oversized hoodies & flip flops, regardless of weather>no pants@home!>Feels incompetent sometimes, but keep practicing 2 improve>Analytical fast learner>idk why ppl think i look innocent🦄

(4/5)>Forgets 2 speak eng when tired (Thai 1st lang.)>Headrubs 4 s/o every night b4 bed>will miss u but is bad@texting>yelps like puppy when I’m surprised>Unconventionally resourceful: Wire hangers’s fixes everything! >stress bakes & will gets pouty if it didn’t turn out well.>overwhelmed to water my 50+ 🌱 >Doodles on smt (always have a pen on me)when i feel socially anxious> 2 dance sober @ clubs> Wants a stable relationship where we work tgt like a team to bring out the best in one another🦄

(5/5) I like a s/o who is lovable, kind, genuine, mature, independent and caring, but can also joke & be silly with like best friends. NSFW: open 2 try new things>❤️restraints, blindfolds & sensual tickle sex (as lee+ler) but had always been too shy to share it with any1>occasionally self conscious of food baby+stretchmarks>🥰edging/teasing >has a thing 4 height differences (likes to feel smol lol!) & primal play.>Is a switch. I’m so sorry if it’s too much info! Thank you for doing this!🦄

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A/N: HI LOVE @crushzone !!!! I SMILE WHEN I SEE YOU IN MY NOTIFS GIRL I WORKED HARD ON YOURS OF COURSE💖 But no matter whaaaat I’m going to be very authentic in my matchups bc they’re based on compatibility and therefore, without further ado, lemme introduce you to your NEW BAE:

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KŌTARŌ BOKUTO 🦉

SFW:

so you’re a theatrical makeup artist.

Aight.

Mind if I offer you a word of advice? :

RUN

“DUDE THAT’S AMAZING IT LOOKS SO SICK!”

Startled by someone’s loud booming voice, you smudged the eyeliner you were applying to your actor’s face all over their forehead. Whipping around to see who had disrupted your work you were faced with a beautiful black and grey haired owl. A rather tall... and very attractive ‘beautiful black and grey haired owl.’

He started walking around the dressing room like he owned the place, touching everything.

“Excuse me, you don’t have a badge. You can’t be backstage—!”

“Pretty obvious don’t you think, Miss ________?”

You didn’t take his bait, refusing to give this stranger your name. Bokuto shrugged.

“Well since I don’t know your name I shall label thee—Miss HOT GIRL of the 9 Kingdoms!” He nudged the knight actor who was sitting in your makeup chair with his elbow. “Did I sound 15th century ish or what??” The owl turned to you expecting to be praised. “I had to meet the person who made the medieval vampire look so scary in the last act. But that guy with the lights didn’t tell me anything about you being so hot.”

You were speechless because he was hot too

But he shouldn’t be back here so you tried to shoo him out anyway

He allowed you to try to shove him out but he was way bigger than you so nice try sis

When he yawned while you panted because you weren’t able to budge him an inch....

Bokuto wagered that he would leave if you agreed to make him look like the Hulk with your makeup skills for a Halloween party he had to go to

You didn’t really want to because you were a professional and you had no idea who this owl was but because you had 15 minutes until the second act and you needed peace and quiet if you were going to finish your job!!! ....

( This boy was not peace NOR quiet )

You agreed.... but because you answered so fast Bokuto kicked it up one notch

Prince of pushing his luck (king is reserved for Shōyo‘s extra ass)

He pretended to allow you to push him out of the makeup room a few steps but before you closed the door he stuck his foot between the door so it couldn’t close.

Smiling, he peered back in, looking down at you:

“AND...... you have to agree to go on a date with me. Tomorrow night?”

“Ugh FINE!”

Bo removed his foot and let himself out with a bounce in his step.

SERIOUSLY WHO LET THIS MAN BACKSTAGE......

Needless to say, after a few dates, mans won you over like he wins EVERYONE over

It surprised you how comfortable you became with him but he just has that affect on people

***

In terms of your athletic relationship Bokuto does many things:

He pushes you to go to the gym with him for one

He signs the two of you up for impromptu Beginner 30-day challenges that you both must stick to

So every morning for 30-days straight he jumps on you in bed to wake you up:

“NIN BABY TIME TO HIT THE GYM. BABY NIN TIME TO GET IN SOME SEXY GYM SHORTS. MON BÉBÉ NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNN—“

“Kōtarō, please shut up.”

he doesn’t

He drags you there and eventually you get back into the swing of things.. killing it in the weight room with your supportive man cheering on your every rep!

You don’t even need him to wake you up during the second challenge!

Your volleyball player boyfriend also signs you up (without permission) for the neighborhood soccer team that Akaashi’s girlfriend is already on

You hated it at first because it was uncomfortable going back after not playing for so long but you soon realized that all the girls there were ex-athletes too and not stars

You formed amazing new girl friendships (especially with Akaashi’s gf) and double dates with them were one of your favourite nights of the week!

You owed that happiness in your life all to your Owl 🦉🥰

He and Akaashi came to every soccer game y’all had and you and the three of you went to all of Bokuto’s games, obviously

Btw you all were FITTTTTT OML

***

In addition...

You already know that your man finds your artistic talents insanely fascinating

On your first anniversary together Bokuto gifted you with a new paint set and new French stand:

Because he admires you Bokuto also tries to draw and paint seriously just like you

You stand over his shoulder and give him corrections and baby owl learns so fast it’s amazing

You two make ‘paint night’ a thing when you move in together and it’s always the most fun event!!!!

Bokuto CONSTANTLY and I mean CONSTANTLY asks for you to add him to the comic you’re writing but you say no because he wouldn’t fit in

He sulks but one day you surprise him by showing him that you drew a cute soaring black and gray owl in the background of almost every outdoor scene in your comic,

you pointed out that it was him

BOKUTOOOO WAS SOOOOO HAPPY

HE WAS SHOUTING FROM THE ROOFTOPS

He called Akaashi right away and almost cried tears of joy hahahahaha

***

Your contingent based lifestyle has saved your reckless boyfriend’s life and career many-a-times

It’s one of the things he loves most about you.

Also, it is important to mention that he is in LOVE with your laugh

Bby owl does anything to hear it and showers your face with kisses when you laugh to draw it out

He loves you so freaking much

When you don’t make sense and speak gibberish in public because your awkward side randomly comes out......your boyfriend loves to make fun of you:

“Huh? Nin, that wasn’t Japanese, that wasn’t Thai and that definitely wasn’t English. What planet is my adorable baby girl from, again? And how do I return her in exchange for a floating space car instead?!”

suh cute

All of Bokuto’s teammates really like you because you work in conjunction with Akaashi which means you actually have the magic ability to get Bokuto out of emo mode even faster than his best friend 🤯🤯🤯

When he’s at an away game in emo mode his teammates will literally FaceTime you and point their phone in his general direction

“Hey, Kōtarō!!!! Look, Nin’s on the phoneeee!”

Bby owl turns around slowly when he was sulking in the corner and when he sees you on the screen he’s running and jumping on whoever is holding your phone.”

“Kōtarō baby. You’re going to stop this emo mode right now. If not I won’t let you paint me nude like we discussed.”

mans was like: 😨😨😨😨🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

YEP the next second you see him hitting his best practice spikes and his teammate thanks you profusely

You do this several times until Kōtarō just knows to not go into emo mode anymore because you won’t be happy

A year into his professional volleyball career The Black Jackal’s coach sent a surprise fruit bouquet to your work one time:

With a note that read:

To Nin,

Thanks.

Thanks a lot.

Love,

The Team

***

I know you don’t really like people who are considered “too loud” and Bokuto is like...... “MEGA LOUD 🎙 “ but you and Akaashi work together to quiet your boy down as he gets older

He’s perfect

And you love him

***

OKAY THIS IS THE FUNNIEST day THING:

You know how you like standing up for people (even strangers) and stuff?

Well one day, you and Bokuto get caught on a show called WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

Where the two of you cussed out this cat-abusing actor on the show in a convincing scenario!

It was PRICELESS

Bokuto literally tells everyone that y’all are movie stars because of it 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

***

More in the relationship:

Bo is always singing with you 💞 when y’all make breakfast it becomes a national sport to sing at the top of your lungs!!

And when he sees you eat chips with chopsticks he’s pulling a Hinata “🤩🤩🤩” face .

He begs you to teach him how

So you try

......and try

..................and try

He can’t do it bruv 😞

You see bby Owl’s emo mode return for the first time in like a year when the chip shatters between his sticks again

This time, you have to enlist Akaashi as the FaceTime saviour and Keiji just tells him:

“Bokuto. You should prefer eating chips with your hands anyway. It gets to your mouth faster.”

cue Bo’s 🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩 face

........And all is well again

There’s more:

So you’re a workaholic?

Bokuto is fine with that. He just makes you promise that he gets to take you out on your lunch breaks a few times a week or whenever he can

He’s so sweet and your coworkers are BIG jealous of your relationship

Your man BEGSSSSS you to teach him Thai but you find it too hard so when he’s travelling on a long flight he spends the time learning the language on YouTube (and actually get decent at it) so that he can understand you when you’re sleepy😴🥺💕

When Bokuto surprises you by wishing you goodnight in Thai before he falls asleep (while you’re giving him head rubs), your heart explodes BECAUSE why is he the cutest thing in the world ?!?!?!

RELATIONSHIP COMMUNICATION:

You don’t text/you’re bad at texting? That’s fine, mainly because bby owl is so busy with volleyball anyway, but if you don’t text him back when he is feeling needy the boy will call you 20 times in a row

When you finally pick up, your heart is beating like thinking it’s an emergency

But he will answer saying:

“Oh, no emergency. I just want booty pics. Please, Nin babyyyyy?”

you’re like: 😑

ANOTHER CUTE THING YOUR MAN DOES?????

AIGHT:

It’s cringey but.......

When you’re at work all day doing makeup and he’s home he will send you pics throughout the day of him taking care of your plants like they are y’alls newborn children:

His text:

Baby look!!! Ollie the Orchid grew to 7 inches today!!! Yesterday he was 6.8 inches!!!!! They grow up so fast 😭😭😭”

Your reply:

Not quite as long as your dick, Bo

His reply:

I hate when you get me horny when I’m trying to take care of the kiiiids 😭😭😭😭

Dkm

Of all the factors you look for in a man, Bokuto has all of them

Like I said he becomes much more mature when you and Akaashi are his closest compadres

What people don’t know is that Kōtarō is actually very mature he is just a hardcore optomist (besides emo mode lmao) so people often mistake him as immature or dumb

But He’s far from it and you see that everyday

It’s why you fell for him

When dealing with serious issues that life has to handle, you see a different side of Bokuto, a real side, the side he shows in every tough volleyball game when he makes you metaphorically step behind him so he can deal with any problem that comes your way

He would literally withstand all your battles if that meant you’d remain happy forever

We stan a relationship like yours💞

NSFW:

okay so you know how you chill in ballet 🩰 stretches sometimes?

THAT DRIVES KŌTARŌ WILD.

It turns him on so much and he is constantly testing how flexible you are in the bedroom

When you keep meeting his expectations he is POUNDING you cause he is so turned on

He fucking loves it

It also turns him on when you’ll be acting shy and stuff but then randomly you’ll lead your neighbourhood soccer team like a BAD BITCH

When he sees that he’s already asking Akaashi how long until the game ends because he’s horny:

Akaashi deadpans. “Too much information. And the game just started 3 minutes ago. Get a water and calm yourself.”

Bo is sad but it makes for one hell of a I’m-proud-of-you sexscape when you get home from your game!!

Your dirty jokes also turn Bokuto on.

A lot.

A lot a lot:

“Bo.....I was joking.”

“I know but if I hear the word ‘dick’ coming out of your mouth I automatically think of you blowing me so now I want us to go home.” He whines.

You sigh. He’s lucky he’s so fucking hot.

When you’re playing street fighter every night this boy will not leave you alone until you cockwarm him

“Nin can you pleaseeeeee warm my cock while you train? I miss you.”

Your concentration turns him on so he has to ask nicely 😊

You love his dick so of course you oblige

Bby owl is so happy just sitting there being in your company and in your warmth but sometimes or every time he ends up thrusting into you

Sometimes while he’s giving you deep slow thrusts he orders you to keep playing or he won’t get you off

Damn 🤤

Let’s not forget also that you drive your man wild by walking around the house in hoodies all the time and nothing else

Every day, another hoodie will be found in various RANDOM places in the house because Bo flings it off you before he makes love to you wherever, and they go missing

Finally, when you get all sad and pouty because one of your baker trials goes to shit (ruined chocolate brownies this time, boo 💔), your boyfriend is taking your hand gently in an instant, leading you to the bedroom:

“Don’t be sad my beautiful girl, you know how much I hate seeing you sad. It makes me sad.! Here, come in the room and sit on my face—I promise I’ll make you feel better.”

WELL DAMN—😳💦

Maybe you should screw up brownie recipes more often.

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A/N: do you know the show what would you do??? Watch it on YouTube if you haven’t haha I couldn’t stop thinking about you and Bokuto being on it after reading your matchup profile!!!! I hope you liked it bb! Give me all your reactions, I want all the smoke 💞💞💞

[cerberus253]

I just rediscovered this thing I typed for high school some years ago and what? What?? I typed this? Like, yeah it may not be the best and I’m sure it has flaws, but whatever the heck was going on in my head seems pretty interesting to present-day me. I’m reposting this instead of reblogging because this fiction piece is super long and I don’t want to force people to scroll through a crap ton text if they aren’t interested.

Dear Ben

[SHORT STORY FOR SCI-FI AND FANTASY CLASS]

8 October, 2537

Dear Ben,

   Hey, it’s Khristina. I’ve never really talked to you like this, but I’m terrified and I don’t know what else to do. Coming in contact with you at all will only bring bad news, but I will not under any circumstances go with anything you say, I just need someone to talk to because my best friend, Luciel, is being imprisoned in another cell far away from me, as all the other slaves are in this place. I don’t know where we’re at, but it’s cold, dark, damp, and it reeks of petroleum. I’m pretty sure you’ve been paying attention to what happened in the last year or so, the whole Hirouleysi invading when everyone thought it was a joke for 30 years. They swooped down in their giant “kveikurs”, which are 10 feet tall raven black, metal dragons with a wingspan three times their size, spewing poisonous toxins where ever their masters please. We both like dreadful looking things, but both of us were terrified of those beasts. They may be generic looking, but I’ll never forget the moment when we were walking in the woodlands and suddenly a dark shadow casted over head like an eclipse, heading towards Behelzen. I’m ashamed that it didn’t register in my head something bad was going to happen, until I heard the shrilling screams of utter horror from the town. When we arrived I couldn’t believe how everything went to ruin in the matter of minutes, people coughing like their lives depended on it, children crying, and gas everywhere. I even remember seeing some of the Hirouleysi carrying people away, unconscious. This happened since they arrived, these “people” coming once a week to torture, then to take whatever they want away. Luciel and I were terrified, but you weren’t, you just watched in content.

   I can’t believe we were taken also. I’m usually the one being safe and not taking any action, but I guess there is no safe haven with these creatures around. They destroy everything and leave behind the plague. At least it’s satisfying to know that the people down in the city of Sentrare have multiple Sagrabt shops, who only sell the cure at a reasonable price for the awful sickness that the kveikurs spread, I just wish it didn’t take five months to make, all those families that lost their loved ones… Anyways, we both feel suspicious about the short amount of time it took to make it. I know the plague is a new sickness, but the cure should of taken longer to make, not that I wanted it to, it just seems so fast the way they whipped it up, but what do I know about making cures.

   Tomorrow is the first day us newcomers will be shown around the plague hive. Please do not say anything that will separate Luciel and I, let alone get us in trouble.

9 October, 2537

Dear Ben,

   Before I talk about what happened today, because you don’t pay attention much to anything around you, the what seemed to be one of the captains reminded me of my kidnapping, probably because he or she looked a lot like the one that did catch me. I was underground with my family in our “safety home,” (thank you dad for being paranoid and believing the warnings) when suddenly with only a rattle of warning, the entire place was engulfed in poisonous gas. A thing about the gas, it does not affect you at first, but after 10 minutes or so you start to feel light headed and nauseous and you start to cough. After 20 minutes or so of this torture, you immediately fall unconscious, then you wake up like you had a hangover. So, when the gas hit us, my parents handed out masks for my siblings and I. We hid separately around the house with weapons as quietly as we could as the captain loomed about, carefully checking everywhere. Hiding in my room, I could barely see through the gas, but I saw the individual and I shamefully say I admire their apparel. I guess they wanted to blend with their kveikurs because they had the same get up as them: all black metal armor with three sets of horns on their helmets. Their helmets could be lifted from the mandible and at the opening of the helmet’s “mouth” were rows of teeth like a canine. They had small spikes going down their back and clawed metal gloves. Most of the troops carried swords or staffs with sharp ends on them, but some just prefered their fists and claws. This one in particular had more spikes than the average guy and looked more lean than the others. Despite his stature, he looked importantly dressed, so I assume he was higher ranked. I was terrified of this guy, but he seemed to be careful of where he was looking. Usually robbers or crooks would throw stuff around, but he was being careful on what he picked up and placed back. He seemed…lenient, maybe? I don’t know, he stopped at my drawings and took the time to go through them. It felt forever just watching some guy look at my work, not knowing if they would be good or bad in his eyes. Why do I care? I have no clue. A murderer is deliberately looking at my art and I’m sitting here thinking “Oh no, I hope he doesn’t think it’s crap!” knowingly he will kill any civilian that walks through the door. And then he took some of my sketch books. Why he needed them, I don’t know but I was mad that he stole something of mine without my permission. Thank god I was a coward enough to not confront him. In the end, he found me and I tried my best to fight back, aiming for his cervical, orbitals, popliteals, and surals and crurals, over all going berserk like a child. I guess everyone heard me screaming and stuff breaking so they ran up and ganged up on him, but it was too late, more troops came down and slaughtered my parents, but left my siblings and I unconscious, probably because the elder ones were of no use but the younglings can grow to work later. I was the only one in my family taken as far as I know. Luciel told me that she saw the Hirouleysi take me away and she stupidly followed them, having herself become captured in the process.

   Anyways, we were shown around the quarry today, being told where everything was at and what our jobs were. Everyone was silent except for the officers and some rowdy kids, who were punched in the gut gladly by the superiors. There were teenagers and young adults everywhere who looked surprisingly well fed, but had bruises and scars all over them. Some kids were carrying gas canisters, some were following Hirouleysi troopers and being trained by them, some were unconscious on the ground. I cried multiple times on the tour, and practically ever since I remembered what happened to me prior to this, but Luciel seemed to be the only one that noticed and cared. Luciel talks a lot when she’s around me, but it was unnerving not hearing one word from her. Occasionally she would mumble and tear up but she tried her best not to catch any Hirouleysi’s sight.

1 November, 2537

Dear Ben,

Everyone got a job to do, Luciel had the job to make an account of all the kveikurs made and which ones were in progress and how far into the progress. I, however, showed great knowledge on how things could potentially function, so I have the job of not only making and fixing kveikurs, but to design new and better ones. I heard some Hirouleysi whispering about how I wouldn’t be able to fight well, but I could be something of an overseer. To be honest, I’d rather be stuck with the same job as Luciel because I’d be with her.

   You know, despite this being slave labour, they actually treat us okay. Well, actually the ones who follow the rules and don’t act up do. We’re given food, warnings instead of immediate punishment first, and longer breaks. Now only if they would fix the cold cells, but I guess they have to be harsh in some way. It feels like prison here, so I guess I know that if I am ever in actual prison I wouldn’t have any trouble with the officers there. It’s pretty lonely, especially with you always nagging at me, to tell me to fight back. I know I should, but on my end I have nothing to defend myself with. We’ve been told that there has been many escape attempts, gang ups, riots, even sabotages by former slaves. They were exterminated within minutes. As long as we do what we’re told, we’ll be fine, but I’m still thinking of what I could, or maybe should, do to cause some trouble around here, but I have to make sure no one would expect it to be me, being a coward and all.

15 March, 2538

Dear Ben,

   As you can tell, I haven’t talked for a while because I lost the motivation and time to do so, including materials. I was able to write letters before because I found papers and charcoal lying around my cell for some reason, but now I was actually given papers to write on! So here’s what happened, I’ve been so good around Ditinggalkan, the name of the quarry we are enslaved at, that I’ve been given a reward of my, limited, choosing. I would of liked to work with Luciel, but even with my best friend I need breaks and time alone, and I see her enough already with my other specially given break rules (they let me go and talk with her where she works, as long as I’m supervised), so I asked for paper and some art supplies. They agreed, but they said nothing of it leaves Ditinggalkan. I had no intentions of doing that because even if they did let me send it out, they would have to check it. The Hirouleysi are so tight with check ups on everyone to make sure we aren’t hiding anything. Despite all my submission, I think they still suspect me of doing something against them because the one that tells the truth can lie more easily and betrayal does not come from the enemies, but your friends. They must’ve caught onto that because I always get the sense I’m being watched, and later I found that I was. Guess who’s watching me? The same Hirouleysi that kidnapped me and killed my parents. He must have some grudge against me because I irritated him pretty well back on that day. I kept knocking him down because I went for his legs and abdominal region. Then I kept whacking his helmet to make as much noise as possible to annoy him, all the while sitting on him, using my weight to keep him down. Despite his stalking, he never confronted me in any way, probably because he wasn’t aloud to hurt someone without having a reason. I’m starting to think the respect rules are only here to convince us the Hirouleysi are our new friends and family. Strangely I do feel safe around them, but keep reminding me they killed numerous people for no reason and stole teenagers to make mechanical beasts to further kill other people. I do wonder what the Hirouleysi motives are for all this.

1 April, 2538

Dear Ben,

   Every week I see those black monsters rise up from their cages in the morning into the skies like swarms of mosquitoes, then part in multiple groups and go every which way. To about the afternoon to late at night, they come back with items and people, repeating the process the Hirouleysi did with us. It is quite mesmerising to watch as the Hirouleysi saddle up their kveikurs and rise like dragon riders, but it’s so sad they are acting as the villains to everyone outside. I always wanted to be a dragon rider, maybe I would get the chance to ride one some day, I just hope it doesn’t also mean I have to demolish towns as well. To be honest, the Hirouleysi don’t gather many kids, five, six, I think the most I’ve seen was eight. They all look so confused and scared. I really wish people wouldn’t be so hard on frightened teenagers. Make them comfortable first, then give them tough love.

20 May, 2538

Dear Ben,

   A fight broke out a couple weeks ago. I don’t know how it started, but every fight starts off with a disagreement. Luciel was in the middle of it, trying to settle the kids down (I’m referring to most people here as ‘kids’ because they act like children), but it ended up becoming even worse. I suppose you could of called it an uprising by the largest sea of people. I want to say it was between those who wanted to stay and those who wanted to leave. Multiple people were killed from both sides and I’ve heard from a guy that calls himself Herald that Hirouleysi were watching intently, but did not do a thing. I had no idea they were so entertained by that fight because I was too busy trying to protect Luciel. I may not be the strongest female, I may not be the most agile or light, but I’ll be damned if I let anything happen to her. Right now, she’s all I’ve got to a family. I guess it goes to show how much the Hirouleysi actually “care” about us. Their boss must have threatened them to a great extent to convince them not to be too violent with us. Herald proceeded to tell me that he was watching the fight from afar too. He only took pity on them. Quick thing about Herald, he’s an overseer that likes thinking his job is more of a way to blackmail slaves like the weasel he is, but he seems to grow a liking towards me, probably because I’m the only person to willingly talk to him. Anyways, he noticed how no interference from the Hirouleysi happened until six or seven minutes after I came in. Herald said he was able to watch this because he was actually betting that I was going to be killed. What a guy, right? I bet you’d be best friends with him, Ben. He didn’t find any connection between me and the Hirouleysi interference and usually I’d be suspicious about there being a connection, but nowadays I try not to believe anything like that happens, I’m not that special anyways. All the Hirouleysi troops are forced to be nice to the ones who deserve it. Luciel and I left before the riot was over, but we heard that it lasted a good 45 minutes and some Hirouleysi deaths, rumor has it that someone, not sure who, brought out a kveikur and smashed loads of humans. Just about everyone in that battle was punished with whips and starvation. I tried to lie and say I wasn’t in it, but they found out and punished me for it, physically with whips and starvation, but also the loss of trust, which was the worst part. You thought all of that was like watching your favorite T.V. show, you also wanted to join in on the fun and think about consequences later, but as I told you before, I am not letting you.

30 June, 2538

Dear Ben,

   Luciel started dating one of our peers. His name is Daniel and he’s four years older than her. I never really liked it when Luciel dated because she was always hurt in the end. I do love Luciel, but she’s very paranoid about anyone besides her family and me of betraying her, yet she dates. In a place like this, I wouldn’t go out with anyone. It’s full of sociopaths and psychopaths. I would like to have someone that loves me, but really the only one would be you, and I can’t even reach you by any means, at least in the way I would like to. I really worry about Luciel, I’ve told her she shouldn’t date people until she understood herself enough and loved herself first. No one seems to get it though, the whole “love yourself first before others”. Even I barely understand it, but just because I don’t understand it doesn’t mean it’s not true. I’m pretty sure I love myself. I do suffer from depression, but I view that as more of an obstacle or a teaching method for the ones around me. I want to show people I can be stronger than depression, or any other feeling or thought you can make me have. Though there is one thing that still keeps me up at night, and it is that soul crushing loneliness. The kind that you have when people are around you, but because you cannot communicate the things that are important to you, they make you feel even more alone and neglected. I swear I’m going to be a nervous wreck before I escape or die here.

6 July, 2538

Dear Ben,

   I swear to god I have not felt so much hate in my life at this point. I had a surprise check in today while I was working. Unlike what you’d think, the Hirouleysi officers were careful poking around my things, but I absolutely hate it when people touch my things. I don’t care if it was the Devil himself turning off my video game to play Just Dance or something, I do NOT like it when people touch my things. What stunk even more is that one of the officers took my sketches, again! Did they want it for ideas of new poisonous monstrosities or was there just this one guy that likes stealing people’s stuff? BAH! I liked those sketches too.

   The Hirouleysi also skimmed over my letters to you. They asked who you were, so I told them and they just gave me the indication that I was a loon, so that was fun. Then later I was called down to speak with the gas team because they were short on Toxin people. I never thought I was smart, but apparently I was brainy enough to help make chemicals. After all that, I talked with one of the helpers on break of the Toxin department. Robin was his name and he says that I shouldn’t feel too special with all these semi-important jobs I was given. There are numerous people who had the same jobs I had, so I was just another cog in the machine. That definitely brought down my self-esteem.

13 July, 2538

Dear Ben,

   I’ve been thinking about why the Hirouleysi are like how they are. Slave trades I’ve read in stories and heard about in school sound cruel, unjust, and one of the worst places to be, but when you hear me talking about Ditinggalkan being an enslavement camp, but it’s not as bad as it seems, it sounds unreal. I believe these people are psychologically messing with everyone here. Think about it, if you listen and mind your own business and not cause trouble, you can actually have a decent conversation with one of the guards. If you’re loyal enough, they will train you to be one of them. They act like parents and treat us like their children, rewarding the good ones and punishing the bad ones, respecting the smart ones and trying to fit the best job for a mentally challenged kid instead of just assigning whoever to whatever. I said this before I think, but Ditinggalkan rules for the Hirouleysi are for all of us to try to become friends, so we will join them and follow what they do. The Hirouleysi don’t actually care, they are manipulating us through our feelings and thoughts. Yes, physical punishment is the same, but that’s besides the point. This frightens me, whoever their boss is knows how to gain teenager’s trust, but he also knows that not all will submit, so he keeps them in check and makes sure they would be so deep into their work, they won’t know what is going on. I hope all three of us, you, Luciel, and I won’t fall into their trap.

28 July, 2538

Dear Ben,

   I’ve never told you about this, but back in April there is a man that nobody pays attention to. None of the slaves talk to him, none of the Hirouleysi talk to him, nobody. Herald was able to sneak me some candy bars a few days ago in that month, and for some reason the thought of finding this nobody, sharing my food, and talking to him came to mind (I blame you for this one). It took all day, but I finally found him. You know me, Ben, that I would never in a million years find some stranger, walk up to him, and talk to him because of fear and my aspergers. He looked broken and forgotten, come to think of it, I think he was also the oldest person I saw here. It looked like he was eating just fine, but by the looks of how tired he was, he reminded me of how I would see a dirty rag on the ground at home, too lazy to pick it up and hope one of the other house dwellers would pick it up, but nobody ever does, so in the end I have to confront it. The conversation was awkward and choppy, but he liked to talk. Out of nowhere he tells me flat out “The Hirouleysi and Sagrabt are working together.” Me being the intellectual I was and how suspicious I was about the Sagrabt to begin with, I asked how do you know this and why. He proceeded to tell me that ever since he became a shadow to everyone here, he was able to gather information from just about anyone, even conversations between Hirouleysi. He never told anyone because of fear of the Hirouleysi, and no one seemed to be bothered enough to look for information. Everyone just wanted out, but the only way to do that is death, so why not collect intel and wait for someone who had the guts to do something with it, to give them hope? The man explained in detail what he knows, but in general, the Hirouleysi and Sagrabt are working together because of money and power, but their agendas are different. For some reason, the Hirouleysi are planning treason against Sagrabt because “those are the exact type of people that need to be purged from the world.” From this comment, it seems like the Hirouleysi are trying to do some good, but my question is why are they killing and trapping innocent people? What does the Sagrabt get out of it? Both of them must be planning something bigger. Someone else beyond these metal and rock walls has to of caught a whiff of what’s going on and is doing something about it, because I don’t have the courage to do anything.

   Last thing before bed, the man told me to never speak to him again. He wouldn’t tell me why, but it was nothing against me, it was for “personal matters.” I hope he isn’t going to kill himself.

7 November, 2538

Dear Ben,

   I began my overseer job a bit after my last letter, and it was, at the least, weird. I got the night shift because I was able to gain the Hirouleysi trust back a little and because I wanted to face my fear of what could be in the dark watching me. So I’m sitting there on a ledge, taking my break, eating my food, when one of the guards sat beside me. Not just any old guard, but one that looked like a high ranking officer, not just any old high ranking officer, but the same one over a year ago that kidnapped me. We sat in silence for a while and I was trembling and heating up with fear. Did I do something wrong? Was I going to die here? What did I do to upset them?

“So, how do you like the kveikurs?” I’m sorry, but what? Was he really asking me this right now? I’m still confused to this day why he just plopped himself right next to me asked ‘What’s your opinion on our monsters???’

“Um, well I like how they look, but I don’t like what they’re used for.”

“Uh-huh” More silence follows after.

“I’m sorry I took you away from you home, and for what happened to your parents.”

“What kind of insensitive dillweed are you?!” is what you, Ben, wanted to say, but no, what I said was even worse,

“Oh” So this is the guy that has been stealing my art for months.

“Why did you do it? What’s the point? You should’ve just taken me and left my family alone. What is…wrong with you people?!”

“I can’t really tell you, but it will all work out in the end, okay? I’ve noticed you haven’t been too lively lately, is everything…okay?” Here’s where my explanation for why this letter took so long comes in. I’ve gotten into a depression and all I wanted to do was draw constantly. I’m upset about how Luciel is spending all of her free time with Daniel, I’m feeling neglected and left out. She’s also been hanging around other people more. I respect that she has gained friends, but she’s leaving me out and barely talking with me anymore. She’s addicted to her boyfriend now.

I tell this mysterious guard all this, and we start going back and forth of ‘Did you try this? Yes I did. Did you try this? Yes I did that, too.’ and it came to a point where we both didn’t know what to do. The captain was trying to comfort me with some stories on his end and what he did, but it didn’t help. While talking to him, I had the feeling of realization that these masked figures are people, they’re all people, but you reminded me that just because they’re people, does not mean all is forgiven of what they did. I asked how and why he was here in Ditinggalkan. He said he could not tell me, but it’s all about freedom in the future. Yes, a slavery captain is talking about freedom, hardy har har, but what finally clicked was the Hirouleysi were holding slaves for a limited time. Once they reached their “freedom” goal, they would set us all free. What made me think this, I don’t know, but from everything that I’ve heard so far, this is what it sounded like. I made the stupid decision of telling him this thought because I wear my heart on my sleeve and trust people too easily, but thank god his response was,

“I’m going to say that you’re wrong so then I won’t be punished for saying that you’re right. So, no, you’re thought is absolutely wrong.” Whoever this guy was trusts me and likes me for some reason, so we talked, about other things, from then on, conversing on my break time as overseer. His name is Jodocus, he’s pretty funny and smart, and I do love his passionate personality. I found out he took my drawings at first for proof of my “worthiness of being in Ditinggalkan,” and the second time and so on for admiring them. He also told me he’s never giving them back, so I’m a little butthurt from that. Meeting him changed my view on the Hirouleysi, but I want you to keep reminding me that just because one is like this, does not mean all are like this.

   I really need to try to talk to Luciel again about the situation we’re both in. She sounds so miserable lately. She’s never happy anymore unless she’s around Daniel or talking about him. I don’t seem to be making anything better. One time recently I think I made our relationship worse. We’ve been friends for years and I never thought our friendship would be this close to falling.

29 February, 2539

Dear Ben,

   Luciel killed herself the night after November 7th of last year. I was overseeing that night, but I guess she found a spot where no one could see her. I was walking around and I smelled fresh blood. I followed the smell and I saw her, body exploded, blood splattered everywhere, her organs mangled about everywhere, spilling from her lifeless corpse like paint splatter, her beautiful pink dyed hair now caked with blood. I have flashbacks every time I think about it; I may have PTSD after what I saw. As you can tell, I was in a deep depression that nothing could of gotten me out of. I tried my best to talk to her, she told me on the day of the 8th that her boyfriend and her broke up. They had an awful argument about being here in Ditinggalkan and becoming a Hirouleysi. I was there for her, I listened, comforted, and held her, but I guess the pressure had the upper ground and she convinced herself she can not live anymore. I never thought out of all these years she would do something like this. She was so strong and smart, but depression was stronger in her head. This shouldn’t of happened, this should not of happened! I wasn’t there for her when she needed me most.

You shouldn’t blame yourself. You did the best you could.

I’m trying to listen to that. I hope you had a fun time seeing my pain, Ben.

   I was so emotionally sick from all of it the Hirouleysi took actual genuine pity on me and didn’t bother calling me in for work or anything. I locked ourselves in my cell, only coming out for food, bathroom breaks, and art supplies. I tried my best to avoid everyone; I felt bad about ignoring ‘hellos’ and such, especially from Herald. I couldn’t help it though, I wanted to be alone and with my thoughts and you. Jodocus would come by my chamber every few hours or so. He wouldn’t say anything but leave origami paper flowers for me from book pages.

   I can’t explain how I escaped my prison, but only by “it clicked.” Obviously I still hurt, but one day I just stopped, I was done with crying, I was done with drowning in sorrow. I want to think the lyrics from Phil Collins helped somewhat,

“I know It’s hard but found somehow

To look into your heart and to forgive me now

You’ve given me the strength to see just where my journey ends

You’ve given me the strength to carry on

I see the path from this dark place

I see my future

And your forgiveness has set me free

Oh, and I can see another way

I can face another day”

6 August, 2538

Dear Ben,

   It has been (ha) a long time, but I know what I’m going to do now. This is counted as treason, but I don’t care anymore. I’m doing what I know is right, and that is sabotaging; I’ll follow you now. I am going to turn a kviekur into one that would spew the cure Sagrabt is selling. Not only that, but I will also place in all my kveikurs blueprints of them and say what I know about the alliance of the Hirouleysi and Sagrabt, pocketed safely away so after they self destruct, the info will be safe. Obviously I’ll have to randomize which kveikurs will be healing and which will have the notes, but I’m pretty sure this will stay in secrecy for a while. I will be put to death for this once I’m found out, but I simply just don’t care anymore. We could escape, tuck ourselves away like the intel, but I need to stay here to gather more information, like the man in April. This is going to be hard and terrifying, but it will be worth it to someone someday. I need the people of each and every city, town, farm, whatever to know how to fight the Hirouleysi and Sagrabt, to be free from their crooked hands. I feel awful for stabbing Jodocus in the back for he seemed to develope feelings for me, from all his stealing and stalkerish ways. I kind of liked him too, I would of liked to see how things could’ve turned out for us, but I don’t want to be in pain from relationships. This is a jump from the last letter, but I’m letting you take the wheel now, I’m done with being scared all the time, just take over.

X XX, XXXX

Dear Khristina,

   We’ve made wonderful progress so far, but I do feel empty and bored of life. Do you think we did the right thing? Maybe we should of stayed with the Hirouleysi and Sagrabt and try to help the Hirouleysi take over. I would’ve liked to see their leader and know both side’s intentions so we could manipulate them. We could of had all their attention like you wanted. We could of had control like you wanted. But alas, we’d both be forlorn forevermore. There’s just no winning with you, is there? I’ll keep doing what I’m doing, but if a better opportunity comes up, we’re taking it.

- Love from your other half, Ben~

[7-wonders]

Shatter pt. 4

Summary: Eighteen months after the end of the world, and you’re somehow still alive. All of this newfound free time you have gives you plenty of time to ponder the question: who the hell are you?

Word count: 2080

A/N: It’s me, back with part four! Took me a little while but I finally did it. As always, special thanks to @jimmlangdon for all of their help with this series.

Read Part One HERE | Read Part Two HERE | Read Part Three HERE

Sleep is abruptly ripped away from you by the slamming of a door and a hand shaking your shoulder. You sit up, blearily blinking your eyes and attempting to discern where you are. Your neck aches painfully, and you realize that you must have fallen asleep leaning against Mallory. The witch beside you looks just as confused as you are, especially when faced with a grim Supreme.

“Follow me, girls.” You and Mallory look at each other in bemusement, both reluctantly standing to head back into the little shack. Early sunlight starts to make its way over the horizon, a faint glow lighting the bayou ahead of you. It’s peaceful, almost too peaceful considering the events of the past few weeks. Your eyes burn after all the tears shed last night, and you’re mildly disappointed that your new Sight didn’t give you anymore glimpses of Michael.

You know that you shouldn’t be sad that you didn’t see your former lover. You fought tooth-and-nail to escape him, and you should be happy that you’re now safe. But you can’t help the pangs of sadness that come with not seeing his sweet smile and his crystal blue eyes. When you first woke up moments ago, you had hoped that the hand waking you would belong to Michael. The visions of the rising Antichrist are shattered when you pass through the door and are blindsided.

It’s a coordinated attack, you can tell from the multiple witches trying to pin you to the ground and Mallory’s screams as the same happens to her. The uneven wood digs into your back, making you grimace while your hands are held above your head and your legs grow heavy. Myrtle Snow smiles at you apologetically, red hair coming into view and gloved hands making sure you don’t go anywhere.

“Miss Cordelia? What…?” You’re being assaulted, both mentally and physically, and are slow at processing your current situation as a result. The Supreme’s blonde hair is slightly mussed, and you realize that the head you had yanked in your fight to get away had been hers.

“Your allegiances, while not your fault, are still fractured. On the one hand, your mind wants to be with us, your sisters. On the other, your heart is still with Michael. Even before Michael’s mind had been made up that he would get you back, we had known of his plans for the apocalypse. You and Mallory are both extremely powerful young women, so if you were to be buried underground with us to survive the initial blasts, your magic would act as a beacon to forces that want to do us harm.”

“I don’t understand!” Mallory cries from next to you. You glance over at her to see tears tracking down her face as she shakes in terror. Your hand creeps across the floor and intertwines with hers, squeezing in reassurement.

“Coco has already made the sacrifice, and had her mind wiped as a result. Her wealth will ensure that all of you safely reach the Outposts that are being built for survivors. Your powers, along with your memories, will lay dormant until the time is right. As a result, (Y/N), Michael will not be able to use your bond to his advantage, since you won’t have memories of him to even have a bond.” It’s your turn to start crying, shaking your head back and forth desperately.

“No, please. You can’t do this! I don’t want to forget him, I can’t forget him!” You whimper. Cordelia smiles at you sympathetically, and you want to reach up and slap her across the face.

“I promise that you’ll feel differently when you get your memories back. You’re going to be saving all of humanity with this sacrifice.”

“I’ll never forgive you for this. You’re taking who I am away from me against my will! I don’t care if this will save humanity, you shouldn’t be allowed to do this.” You hiss, eyes steeling in a glare. Before you can continue with your verbal torrent, Cordelia produces a translucent powder. You start struggling in one last attempt at an escape, but your efforts are fruitless. The powder gets blown into your face, and your coughing draws it into your lungs. Before you black out, there’s only one word on your lips.

“Michael.”

30 months later…

The harsh knocking on your door acts as your alarm clock today, just as it has everyday for the past eighteen months. You jolt up, sheets tangled around your legs and bunched at the bottom of the bed. Running a hand through your messy hair, you listen as the Gray makes their way down the hallway, providing a wakeup call for your fellow occupants. Hell, better known as Outpost 3, had been your home for just over a year. The period of time directly before the bombs fell had been a flurry of events, involving gathering your few belongings and escaping with your boss to a private jet owned by Coco St. Pierre-Vanderbilt.

“Coco! Coco wait!” Mr. Gallant yelled, hopping out of the convertible and jogging towards the jet. You stay behind to grab all of his things and help his grandmother, Evie, out of the car.

“Gallant? What the hell are you doing here?” Coco squawked.

“You said there were enough tickets for your family and your husband. That’s five tickets, and only two of them are being used.” He explained excitedly.

“Your assistant can’t come, Brock should be here at any moment!” You had huffed at being called Gallant’s ‘assistant.’ You were basically his sister, but there wasn’t any time to call the socialite out when Coco’s assistant screamed a warning. Runway workers were rapidly advancing in a hope to grab a spot and survive nuclear annihilation.

“Coco, I’m not leaving without (Y/N).” Gallant affirmed, making your heart warm at his effort to save your life. Coco thought for a moment, finally rolling her eyes and nodding.

“Fine, but we need to go like, NOW!”

The jet had barely made it to cruising altitude before the bombs dropped, and you couldn’t help but to thank your lucky stars every single day. Even living in the strictest, most-backwards living conditions was better than how you were living for a while before the end of the world.

You didn’t know who you were. You had amnesia, whether it be from an injury or some sort of coping mechanism, but the facts remained the same; you had woken up in an apartment that you didn’t own, with no memory except for your name and a friend who could help you. That friend was Mr. Gallant, who quickly took you in and gave you so many things, the least of those being a job. He was a shoulder to cry on when you were frustrated about your lack of memories, your ‘boyfriend’ when weird guys were hitting on you, your therapist when you needed to vent, and your best friend. Technically being his assistant, you had been expecting to be a Gray along with Coco’s assistant, Mallory. To your shock, your name was on a list guaranteeing that you receive a spot on the highest tier of this new society. The purple dress you slip on as you get ready acts as a reminder that you’re probably the luckiest person left alive.

“Welcome to another beautiful day underground.” Gallant greets you with a snicker when you enter the dining room, handing you a glass of water and patting the chair next to you. Somehow, even after all this time, you had still managed to remain best friends with the man.

“Did I hear something about horseback riding on the schedule today?” You joke, earning a few laughs from the Purples scattered through the room.

“I mean this is the nicest way, (Y/N), but you look like shit.”

“Thank you, it’s this new beauty routine I’m trying.” You say sarcastically, rolling your eyes. Gallant sighs, grabbing your hand in his.

“Did you have the dream again?” ‘The dream,’ or what should be known as dreams, have plagued you since the day you woke up in the unfamiliar apartment in the middle of Los Angeles. Sometimes they involved beautiful women, all dressed in black and smiling at you. Other times there was a swamp, the muggy air enveloping your subconscious and chirping echoing from within the ecosystem. There were also a few dreams that left you crying and shaking, dreams filled with screaming, blood, and gunfire. The most common dreams, though, all revolved around a man.

You dreamed of this man almost every time you fell asleep, yet you couldn’t ever clearly see his face. You knew that he was tall and had beautiful blond curls that tickled your face when he leaned down to kiss you. You were always touching this man in some way or another, usually just holding hands as you relive what you assume are your lost memories. Sometimes, his face would clear just long enough for you to see his haunting eyes, which are the clearest shade of blue you’ve ever seen. You get so lost in reminiscing on your dream that you don’t realize you haven’t yet answered Gallant until he calls your name again.

“Of course, I always do.” You respond.

“Which one was it? The gun one?”

“It was the one with the man.” Gallant knew about all your dreams, and had listened to you attempt to dissect them for countless hours.

“I love your hot mystery man.” He says playfully, grinning.

“Apparently I did, too. Too bad I don’t know who he actually is.” The gelatinous cubes, your only source of nutrition for over a year, lay untouched on your respective plates.

“You’ve been having the dream with your blue-eyed honey a lot more often, lately. Maybe that means something?” He suggests, picking up his fork and absently spinning it in his hand. You shrug, considering it.

“Maybe. Or maybe-” The shrill sound of an alarm startles you, and your hands clap against your ears for protection. Ms. Mead walks quickly to the dining room, staring at the gathered survivors.

“Security breach. Back to your rooms, all of you.” She says sternly, watching as everyone stands immediately. You follow the herd, but your thoughts remain on what Ms. Mead just said. A security breach? For the duration of your time here, nothing had ever gotten through the walls surrounding the Outpost. You don’t know whether to be intrigued or scared at this.

“Think it’s cannibals?” Gallant whispers into your ear, snapping his teeth to make you jump.

“Don’t be so morbid, Gal, Jesus.” You mutter. He wants to retort, but you’re all shepherded to your rooms and given strict orders to remain there until further instruction.

The hours until you’re summoned out pass slowly, and you find yourself trying to sleep in order to pass the time. You’re also hoping that you see those familiar blue eyes again, but are disheartened when you’re told to gather in the library before you can dream. Coco’s already sitting next to Gallant, talking his ear off about god-knows-what, and Evie sits on his other side. You take the only open seat left, next to Timothy. He smiles at you when you join him, Emily holding holding his hand tightly.

“Any clue what this is about?” You ask.

“Maybe they’re finally gonna take us out.” Emily suggests, wiggling her eyebrows to make you both giggle.

“We should be so lucky.” Your banter is interrupted when Ms. Venable, the leader of the Outpost, enters the room. She stands at the head of the room, eyes cast towards the door the entire time. When she still hasn’t spoken in two minutes, you sigh and start picking at your nails to give yourself something to do. Heels clacking against the floor fill the room, but you assume it’s The Hand joining the group after finishing their rounds. You only look up when Timothy nudges you slightly.

Immediately, your eyes widen at the sight you’re faced with. It’s not The Hand. Instead, a tall man, dressed to the nines, with long blond hair and startling blue eyes, commands the room with only his presence. Everybody stares at him in varying degrees of lust and attraction, but you stare at him for a different reason; you know this man. You’re not sure how, or from where, but you know him.

“My name is Langdon, and I represent the Cooperative.”

Tag list: @queencocoakimmie @nana15774 @lichellaw @sammythankyou @sebastianshoe @pastel-cloudz @ultragibbycentralworld @grim-adventures58 @let-me-try-mom @uptosomeseriousfuckshit @dandycandy75 @trimbooohgodplsnoooo @alexcornerblog @everything-is-awesomesauce @tickled--pinkmoodpoisoning @ccodyfern @dolceandchalamet

[melancholy-smile]

At the age of 10 nearly 11 I got into a car accident. My mother was badly hurt, but she’s alive. She still faces pain and there’s a dent in his shoulder blade. It was a tow truck, with a van on the back, that hit my moms car. I blacked at upon the impact. I woke up on the car floor with glass in my boots. I thought my mother was gone.

I only cried in the ambulance to the hospital that day, but not hard. Just shed a few tears. I have a scar on my neck and I had glass in my chin from August to March.

It makes me sick sometimes to watch my mom talk about it, and the way she talks about it almost looks like she’s bragging about it.

The day before my 11th birthday she pulled me out of bed by my hair, kicked and hit me. I had been awful at getting up that week, as going to the middle school that was 30 minutes away scared my mom. So she gave me a phone as an early present. I made internet friends and stayed up talking to them. That day is the day she broke I guess.

I had faced my father hitting me over the head to get me to focas on my homework better. And him embarrassing me by recording me and saying how long it’s taken me to do my homework. He kept telling me one day if I had a friend over or significant other he’d show them the videos.

When I was younger our cat got fixed and my dad joked about us waking up to find her with her guts on the floor from the stitching popping. I was terrified to go to bed that night as I kept imagining it and was panicking wanting her to be okay.

My dad used to hold me and make me watch horror movies with him. Zombies used to terrify me Because it related to an apocalyptic word. He made me watch a cartoon thing, “Lenore the cute dead girl,” and made me cry so I went to my room Because the cartoon had her squish hamsters to death because she thought they were a toy some kid had. The toy and pet store were right next to each other. He kept trying to get me to come back and watch it. The had the hamsters squeal in pain. I wasn’t older then ten. Somewhere younger than that.

He kept trying to make me watch him play the scary maze game. Or games like it. To make me scream and cry because it was funny to him. I think I eventually learned to not give him the reactions he wanted. Which is why when things scare me, sometimes the most that happens is my eyes widen. I wasn’t afraid of the dark till he made me watch a movie called “don’t be afraid of the dark.”

My dad used to give me Indian brush burn on the arms for no reason sometimes. Just to see me in pain. Oh yea he also made me watch happy tree friends which used to make me cry so much. He made me watch robot chicken too. One episode thing with woody and buzz I think gave me nightmares for so long. And again this was all before the age of ten.

As I’ve gotten older the hitting had stopped. I’m “too big to hit anymore.” The fear is still there, and sometimes I think if it started again I would deserve it. I was a brat when I was young and I was rotten. I had major anger issues also, worse than now and I believe it was because of what my parents did.

My aunt used to live with us and I would be with her constantly. My mom would come home from work and wouldn’t even come to see me. My aunt talked to me, fed me, played with me, while my dad did his music or drawings, and my mom would play on her phone.

My dad was whipping my mom in the ass with licorice and I thought he was really hurting her. I could hear her jump and shriek. I used to despise my father and it’s because of my mother making me only love her, and she’s all I’ve got, and No one will Ever love me as much as Her. when they got in the car I whipped him in the face with the licorice I had and I’ve never seen him turn so fast. In one motion he turned and whipped me back in the face with his piece. I don’t think I did or said anything else.

I wanted to help my mom Because I remember a fight where she ran out of the house followed by my dad and I was alone for a bit. I remember him shoving her against the stand up wardrobe and yelling in her face.

I used to fight with my mom and scream and cry. I don’t remember when I stated but I used to say “take me to an orphanage.” I feel like shit for it. I feel like I was just being a brat. And my mom got me to stop when she said “you want your clothes to smell like garbage bags? You want goodnights to stop?”

I used to think my sister wanted me gone or dead. I don’t know why. I remember crying in my moms closet and thinking I wanted to be dead. I wasn’t close to being 10.

My mom said she hated me once, she said I said it first but I don’t remember that. It wasn’t a word anyone had said in the home. Why would I say that? Even if I did, She’s a literal adult who shouldn’t say something like that. I’ve asked her about it, and it’s “you said it first,” like a kid telling a teacher “she started it.” I said it to my dad later on, after we moved, and I could see the pain and sadness in his eyes. And him saying that what I said hurt, and he went to bed so I couldn’t apologize till much later. Why did my mom say she hated me? I felt pressure on my shoulders, I was about to cry, I was having bad anxiety over cleaning my room. And when I just wanted it to stop and for her to go away she said it. Why did I say it to my dad? I really don’t remember.

I tried talking about feeling sad and upset to my mom three times. They all ended with her hitting me and telling me I was fine. Most recent one, My dad came in once after she hit me and said “did I hear her say you hit her in the face? You don’t do that, but if I hear you scream in your mothers face again I will hold you down and let her beat the shit out of you.” I was 12, getting close to 13. I didn’t even scream in her face, I raised my voice slightly Because she kept talking over me, interrupting me.

My dad once kept trying to “help” with homework. I made him so frustrated he went to smoke. It still sticks in my mind of my mother saying “your father is trying to quit smoking and you aren’t helping.” Like everything was my fault.

Homework took forever Because I’m dyslexic and dysgraphic. So I confuse numbers, letters, skip sentences, And have problems with writing motor skills

My moms parents hit her, her mom broke some wooden thing when spanking her, and my dad’s father hit him. So badly once he couldn’t go to school because of his face. That’s where the face rule comes from. They continue the toxic cycle, and Because of them I don’t want kids. I don’t wanna fuck them up too.

Technically yes things have gotten better but I’ve always been “mature for my age” Because of this shit.

Things have gotten better, I have more freedom and things to make me happy, more than I guess than a lot of kids. Sometimes I wonder if they’ll ever start up again with everything. Sometimes I feel like because this is all I the past I don’t have the right to be mad at them for any of it. Like because it’s “old news,” I shouldn’t fuss, and forgive them.

I still feel like everything was my fault. That I deserved every bit of it. That I made them so angry they decided that was the way to handle it.

If it were to start again, I think I’d deserve it, as much as I wanna say I’d fight back, this time I’d tell, I don’t think I would.

But still technically things haven gotten better. Look at me, haven’t been his in two years maybe? There are threats, from mom, surprise but no commitments.

Things are fine.

[xiaolindude]

💀 you know i had to

@heylincorporated

send  💀 for my muse to die in your arms.

It was supposed to be their safe place.

The house they’d reconciled in, shared memories, shared years together. Their place. The only place in the world Jack has ever felt truly safe and happy.

Now it’s nothing but rubble.

They must have thought he was at home. He should have been at home – all he’d been doing was going out to get some chips. ‘Nah, Pedrosa, you keep lounging about, ya slob. I need to stretch my legs anyway,’ and he’d been gone.

Twenty minutes. He’d been gone twenty minutes, going into town, picking out the chips and meandering back home, lost in thought about his next ‘business venture’, as he liked to call it. Now he stops dead at the sight of their home, so beautiful when he’d left, now a smoking, burning ruin. His blood runs cold. No.

The chips drop to the floor as he tears into what’s left of the house.

“Raimundo?!” he shouts, scrambling over the wreckage, falling, pants catching on sharp edges and broken glass, stubbing his toes on huge chunks of brick and plaster and remnants of their furniture. Parts of the wreck are still burning, the flames dancing along their pictures and papers.

Rai is nowhere to be seen.

Jack’s voice rises, yelling for Raimundo as he continues to search through the rubble, throwing things out of his way as he moves towards the centre of the house.

And finally, Jack spots him. “Rai!”

He’s lying motionless, trapped beneath a beam, eyes closed.

Fuck, fuck, fuck! “No, no, Rai.” 

Jack hauls their couch out of his way, gritting his teeth with the exertion, then stumbles over. “Shit, Rai, wake up, c’mon…” he says, voice taut, grabbing Rai’s face and tilting it from side to side. Heart thundering, Jack reaches for Rai’s neck, searching for a pulse. When he finds one, he all but collapses in relief.

He’s gotta get that fucking beam off of him. Getting his footing, Jack crouches down and seizes the beam, struggling so hard his muscles are screaming at him; he yells in the exertion, face screwed up in his efforts. It’s no use – the beam is too heavy to even lift onto his shoulder, let alone move.

“J-Jack Bots!”

His voice shakes. Are there even any left?! Please, please let there be some left.

There’s a crashing and a whirring and two mostly intact Jack Bots approach, followed by another that is sparking and missing an arm. Three bots left – the rest are with the rubble, smoking husks of his own wasted genius. But he only needs three.

“Help me with this. Get it off him!” Jack orders desperately, still gripping at the beam. The combined efforts of three machines and one evil genius are just enough to heave the beam to the side, freeing Rai’s crushed legs and midsection.

The beam falls with a crash and some crunching; Jack pays it no mind, staring in horror at Rai’s legs, their positions all wrong. He’s broken. He’s broken and barely conscious and Jack feels like he’s gonna be sick any second. He collapses to his knees beside Rai, pulling him into his arms and holding him close, his eyes clenched shut as tears cut tracks through the dust settled on his face.

“Pedrosa, c’mon, don’t ignore me,” he whispers, trying to joke. His voice breaks instead as he cries into Rai’s bloodied hair.

There’s a twitch and then the tiniest cough. Heart squeezing in his chest, Jack draws back to look at Raimundo, dazed to see very familiar green half-lidded eyes blinking up at him. The breath of relief that escapes him is harsh and shaking; he brings up a trembling hand to stroke Rai’s hair away from his face. 

“Hey! Hey…”

He’s alive. He’s awake. He even gives the tiniest little ghost of a smile. Jack’s relief is short-lived as Rai coughs again, deeper this time, and blood dribbles from the corner of his mouth. 

“Hey, Spicer…”

Rai’s voice is barely there – Jack strains to hear it and it’s cracked, like cobblestone. Like the rubble all around them, the broken bones of the place that was supposed to be their sanctuary.

“Look at this mess, Rai,” Jack murmurs, still cradling Rai against his chest, his other hand stroking over his cheek and lips. “Can’t leave you alone for five minutes.”

Rai smiles faintly again but it quickly dissolves into a wince; his head lolls weakly onto Jack’s shoulder. “I’m glad you did.”

“What?”

“’m glad… you left me alone.” Rai tries to lift his hand, but it barely makes it up a few inches before falling again. Jack catches it and lifts it to press the palm against his tear-stained cheek. Rai’s thumb brushes feebly against Jack’s cheekbone and Jack leans into the familiar caress, staring down at Rai with blurred vision.

“… so glad you weren’t here, Jack…”

Jack bites back a sob, his eyes screwing shut as he leans into Rai’s hand, shaking his head. “I’m not. Rai… fuck. I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry, I shouldn’t—” It’s all his fault, right? They’re his enemies. No one else would have done this. It was meant to have been him, not Raimundo.

Rai’s thumb moves to Jack’s lips, silently shushing him; Jack kisses the pad of his thumb, pushing his own hand gently through Rai’s hair, thick and tacky with blood.

“… think… I need a doctor,” Rai manages to get out feebly, coughing up more blood. Jack tries to hold him a little more upright and brushes the blood away from his chin.

“Jack Bots! Call 192. Give them the address, get them here now.”

He knows it’s pointless. He’s not an idiot. The thought has his stomach rolling with waves of nausea and his blood starting to feel weirdly heavy,like lead, but he knows. Rai was practically crushed to death beneath that beam and the rest of the rubble and, judging by the blood he’s coughing up, probably bleeding internally. Even now, Jack watches the blood leaving Rai’s face like a receding tide.

Rai shifts in his arms, gripping at Jack frantically, too weak to lift his weight butdesperately trying to pull himself up, to go somewhere, to not lie here as part of the wreckage, another casualty of the implosion. He’s not ready to die and it only makes Jack cry harder.

All but blinded by his tears, he looks around at the rubble, then desperately to his remaining robots for help. Most are destroyed. That’s okay. Robots he can make more of. But he never learned how to recreate humanity… and the best of the bunch is dying in his arms. Not peacefully, not ‘ready to go’, but angry and desperate and fighting it.

He clutches Rai tighter. “I’ve gotta get you out of here…”

Still trying to move, Rai groans and whimpers in pain. His legs won’t move but his arms and head just about will; he grits his teeth, tries so hard, but Jack shakes his head.

“C’mon, c’mon… I gotcha, just…” He doesn’t know what to say. He can barely speak through his tears now and he leans down to kiss Rai’s cheek and lips. “I love you. Just stay awake for me, they’ll be here soon, they’ll fix you.”

But Rai’s stopped fighting. And Jack knows. There’s only one reason Raimundo Pedrosa would ever stop fighting.

Rai stills before he goes limp. He stares up at Jack for a couple of moments, then his eyes become unfocused and his gaze shifts to somewhere over Jack’s shoulder, staring at nothing.

“No. No, no, no, Rai, c’mon, c’mon, look at me. Look at me!” Jack’s words come out as a shout, pulling Rai’s head to face him. 

Raimundo breathes again, shallow and shaking, blood bubbling at the corner ofhis open mouth. One more breath, and then nothing. He goes limp.

No. Fuck. No… This is all some awful, awful dream. Raimundo can’t be dead, not before he’s even made it to 30 years old. Who dies at 28?! For a moment, Jack feels like he’s possessed. It’s like an out-of-body experience, like he’s watching himself break down, shaking Raimundo, yelling at him, telling him to stop being selfish and come back, dammit! Come back, you stupid sorry son of a bitch! Rai doesn’t respond. 

In the end, he just sobs into Raimundo’s neck, rocking him on the spot, a hand clutching at his hair. Who knows how long he stays there. It feels like only a second and also like forever all at once; what does Jack care? It doesn’t matter.

Through the smoke and the dust, the hot Brazilian sunshine smiles down at them. The waves carry on lapping at the sand. The world goes on and Jack is absolutely furious with it. Show some fucking respect! His entire world has just collapsed in on itself, broken and snatched away for-fucking-ever – the least the rest of the world can do is pay some attention.

Those waves will drive him crazy. He has to leave. But as sure as the sun isn’t going anywhere for a while in the cloudless midday sky, neither is Jack, rumpled amidst the wreckage of their home and clinging to Rai like a lifeline. He couldn’t move if he tried.

In the distance, there are sirens.

[the-little-shoebox]

1-100 do it scrub

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED LET"S GO!!!! SORRY FOR THE WALL!

1. What is you middle name?Actually don’t legally have one.2. How old are you?213. When is your birthday?September 134. What is your zodiac sign?Virgo5. What is your favorite color?Green or orange. Both are very good.6. What’s your lucky number?759 and 1137. Do you have any pets?No but I reeeeeeeally want some!8. Where are you from?I’m from Louisiana, the boot of the country. 9. How tall are you?IRL I’m around 5 foot 6. Average height my dude.10. What shoe size are you?10 and a half to 11… yeah big feet for kicking your a-

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own?Like…. 2 or three? One tearing about as the seams. 12. What was your last dream about?I…. don’t remember. But I do remember it involved tripping over my roommate’s mountain of clothes while shouting at her for something.13. What talents do you have?Not blinking, screaming a variety of sounds, needle felting, embroidery. 14. Are you psychic in any way?No, not at all psychic.15. Favorite song?DON"T MAKE ME CHOOSE! Well, one of my favorites of all time is ‘Life itself’ By Glass animals. Though Missio songs have been growing on me.16. Favorite movie?Ok this is gonna be weird but Matilda is one of my favorite movies. Watch it whenever it comes on TV. 17. Who would be your ideal partner?Alrighty have them. They’re up above making me answer all these in one go. Love ya babe!18. Do you want children?No. Kids intimidate me.Only fur babies. 19. Do you want a church wedding?Nah. They seem a little too formal for my taste.20. Are you religious?Well I was a long time ago, but I’ve honestly fallen out of it over the years.

21. Have you ever been to the hospital?Yes. Emergency stitches.22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law?The closest time I did was because we tried to walk home via railroad tracks ditching mom at a pizza place. I was put in the back seat of the cop car and cried thinking I was gonna go to jail. I drew a smiley face on the foggy window……. I was young and stupid.23. Have you ever met any celebrities?Nnnnnnnope!24. Baths or showers?Baths all the way, I enjoy just soaking and totally not falling asleep in the water.25. What color socks are you wearing?I have no socks on now. Jokes on you!26. Have you ever been famous?I’m not famous. Nooooooot at all.27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?Noooooo. I like being in the shadows.28. What type of music do you like?Little bit of everything, but mostly pop or really chill music.29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. 30. How many pillows do you sleep with?Three at most. Hug them all

31. What position do you usually sleep in?It shifts to on my back or on my side just curled up among the blankets.32. How big is your house?Honestly not that big. Simple little adobe.33. What do you typically have for breakfast?If I’m at home a sandwich, but really it’s anything I can grab. Maybe some chips. 34. Have you ever fired a gun?Only a water gun. Never touching a real gun.35. Have you ever tried archery?Actually I have! Not too bad at it!36. Favorite clean word?Clean word…… Moxie. I love just saying moxie.37. Favorite swear word?Bumblefuck……. Some friends help make that.38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?24 hours. Worst night of my life39. Do you have any scars?A few! Claw marks on my arm, but the most infamous one is on the bottom of my left foot. That one needed the stitches.

40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?If I did they hid it really really well.41. Are you a good liar?Oh no I’m the absolute worst liar. Anyone can tell you that.42. Are you a good judge of character?I like to think it’s about 75 percent accurate? I have a decent enough judge, but it sometimes glitches and I feel like crap for it.43. Can you do any other accents other than your own?I……. no? 44. Do you have a strong accent?Not really. It abandoned me.45. What is your favorite accent?I’m a sucker for like Irish tones. They’re neat to me!46. What is your personality type?If it’s the letter’s thing it’s ENFP. IF I had to say for myself….. loud.47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?I really don’t know. Maybe this one nice light blue jacket I have. I can’t answer that honestly.48. Can you curl your tongue?I think so!49. Are you an innie or an outie?Innie.50. Left or right handed?Ya girl leftie all the way!

51. Are you scared of spiders?Only a few like Brown Recluse and Black widows. All the others are perfectly fine with me. 52. Favorite food?Chicken and Dumplings. My favorite comfort food when I can get it.53. Favorite foreign food?I’d have to say eggrolls and Mongolian chicken. I really love Mandarin food apparently.54. Are you a clean or messy person?Messy. No question about it. I live in a rat’s nest. Working on it though!55. Most used phrased?Either 'you got this!’ or 'FIGHT ME!’56. Most used word?Bruh. I say bruh IRL waaaay too much.57. How long does it take for you to get ready?3-5 Minutes…. not counting the hour is takes for me to actually wake up.58. Do you have much of an ego?No? I least I hope I don’t.59. Do you suck or bite lollipops?Both. I do both.60. Do you talk to yourself?All the time.

61. Do you sing to yourself?Even more so! 62. Are you a good singer?Ehhhhh, we’ll call it so so.63. Biggest Fear?Lightning. I absolutely freeze up and cower from it. Not fun.64. Are you a gossip?…… yeah in recent years I have collected a lot of dirt. But I only receive it and don’t spread it. I hoard all your secrets for myself. 65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen?How’s how to train your dragon 2 count?66. Do you like long or short hair?I have a pension for shorter hair, every to fun your fingers through.67. Can you name all 50 states of America?I better if I flipping live here!68. Favorite school subject?Art(Duh), but if we didn’t have that I have a soft spot for history or Speech and Debate.69. Extrovert or Introvert?Extrovert. I scream hi to everyone!70. Have you ever been scuba diving?No, but it sounds so fun!

71. What makes you nervous?Everything. Silence, chances in schedule, deadlines, my own thoughts. So…. everything.72. Are you scared of the dark?Not really. I love the dark. I am the dark.73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?Eh..... no. They’ll figure it out on their own.74. Are you ticklish?I am not disclosing this information.75. Have you ever started a rumor?No thank god. That ain’t my style!76. Have you ever been in a position of authority?I mod servers on discord and I do them very well. So yes, that is my authority.77. Have you ever drank underage?No thank you. Not really a fan of alcohol from the looks alone.78. Have you ever done drugs?No….unless caffeine counts.79. Who was your first real crush?My first crush was a guy in like fifth grade called Mark. Annnnnd that was the first time I had my heart crushed in front of me. Luckily he grew up to be a jerk so I’m over it. 80. How many piercings do you have?Zero. I am a chicken.

81. Can you roll your Rs?“Pretty sure I butcher them when I try.82. How fast can you type?Honestly not that fast. 83. How fast can you run?Depends, who am I chasing?84. What color is your hair?Dark Brown, almost black.85. What color is your eyes?Brown as well. 86. What are you allergic to?Seafood, wasps and bee stings, penicillin. 87. Do you keep a journal?Not really. Though i may try to do one again!88. What do your parents do?My mom is a retired teacher. She…. doesn’t really do that much now.89. Do you like your age?Yeah. I’m content with my age and where things look to be going now!90. What makes you angry?Small things, disrespecting arts, just blunt stupidity. Anything off r/insanefacebook.I get angry at a looooot of things.

91. Do you like your own name?Yes I do. I am proud of my name!92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they?I have even though I don’t want kids. Though I can’t remember them at the moment.93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child?NO KIDS!94. What are your strengths?Drawing expressions, optimism, staying motivated to do a thing.95. What are your weaknesses?Anger, paranoia, long list of health issues. 96. How did you get your name?I have no idea.97. Were your ancestors royalty?I don’t freaking know!98. Do you have any scars?I ALREADY ANSWERED THIS!!!!!99. Color of your bedspread?Dark grey.100. Color of your room?White….. it’s a dorm room.

[inhalareexhalare]

Memento mori. 

Nynaeve recommended this before, and I loved it and am remembering.

It suddenly started raining.

Karu also said,

"I think I'm gonna be a terrible dad"

Out of nowhere.

We'd just been talking about his gig today about half an hour ago.

I feel a bit down that I can't seem to find the motivation to keep my work space organized, but I think that's because I put it down too much in my priority list. Dr. Seth told me to take one day off of work, to do housekeeping duties, to express how important it is to her.

Awesome.

From Karu:

Wala lang. I remember Aang being a terrible dad [It's nothing. I remember Aang being a terrible dad]

Aang was a terrible dad according to the old airbender guy from Legend of Korra

Apparently it was Katara that took care of the children cause Aang was busy being the Avatar

Kinda like how Naruto is busy being Hokage

Aang's airbender kid was also obviously favored over the non bender and the waterbender

To Karu:

Hahahahaha I see I see

We won't know until we get there, and we'll never know if we don't keep trying :)

God gave man a partner for a reason, so don't start thinking you're on your own

Outside family, there's also a reason why we're a team, remember? :) No man is an island, and no man is big enough to carry out a vision

I am technically your secretary, so don't hesitate to call for me. In fact, I'd love to help

We're still a small ship of a small crew in such a big sea, so of course it's gonna be busy

The burden gets lighter as more pillars are added, and as these pillars are slowly built with strength over time

...we teach the youth what wonders life can do :)

2018-11-07 12:00 Philippines Wednesday

BOOODLE FIIIGHT!!!!

I ATE TONS OF MEAT! Pork. Chicken. Fish!!!

I feel like I got closer with Ms. Charree.

It was the right choice to return to her side when she was left alone coincidentally. She's sociable, but also shy in many ways.

This is always a fun tradition in the Philippines hahaha! I still have a hard time eating rice with my hands though. My hands don't understand how to do it naturally.

“Privileged ignorance”

Born and bred With spoon and fed

Yes. I am one of those sheltered kids. It's one of the reasons why leaving home was particularly radical to the family tree. It seemed the natural thing to do though when words couldn't get through...

Though I think I could have tried other approaches to help them understand my thoughts. I'd never recommend leaving home abruptly.

It first assumes that you cannot trust your family. It also leaves things on a bad note.

Explorer's motto: always leave things better than when you arrived in there.

You'll have no power to fix things, but you always have the option to be kind and give love to others.

I thank God for sharing his strength and giving me courage today. I was able to smile sincerely at Dr. Seth, at Ms. Charree, at Ms. Len, Jun, Marg, and Deanne, and Cecilia—and I realized how much a tiny gesture can help lighten up someone else's day.

2018-11-07 13:00 Philippines Wednesday

Don't stop believing.

Cecilia dragged me into the Brothers' House tour with the rest of the gang. I suppose greeting them all the way to the other side at the boodle fight before returning to Ms. Charee was the right choice.

My intention to be a friend came through!

The brothers are so cool! So human. They make the most of life because they have confidence in the love of Life.

Skating, biking, childish jokes, friendships, rivalries, ambition, doubts, faith, laughter...

Being a brother, one of them said, is not about being worthy as a person, but instead about how God is worthy and all his greatness.

How very true!

To whoever’s out there:

No matter where you are in your life and no matter what position you are put into; whenever that nagging feeling comes—"do I deserve this?" remember that you ask a wrong question.

The question is always whether the cause is worth it or not. Answer that, and you'll know what to do and where to put your energy into.

We do not choose our calling, but we choose our faith and meaning.

Life always puts you where you need to be. Your sole resource is what you believe in.

Don't stop learning, don't stop growing. Be open to new ideas, but also stand up for what you believe in.

2018-11-07 14:00 Philippines Wednesday

It's funny how a person's confidence level can only either increase or decrease as the number of group mates fluctuate.

For me, my leadership instincts work better in small numbers. Big crowds tend to overstimulate me and I go quiet to reserve energy.

The commonality among everyone, I think, is that the extent that individuality is compromised is positively correlated to the number of people (that is part of the group) present.

2018-11-07 14:28 Philippines Wednesday

Don't you get it? The anomaly is us—the consciousness, the ego; entities aren't supposed to think about themselves.

Organisms act according to their survival and self-interest, but they think about and react to outside threats (or opportunities) and predators (or friends). They don't flee (or fight) thinking, "how do I defend myself?"

Rather, they think, "how do I survive from this predator?"

Get it? The focus is on the foreign object.

The same way we flail even after hours of practice just because we become overly conscious of how to do things instead of focusing on the goal which would have naturally assisted us in accomplishing it (since we already did practice and it should all have been muscle memory).

We are minor creatures, swayed and small-mindedly occupied with our shadows. No different from a cat that is enamored by a mere laser point.

This thought occurred out of nowhere. But I remember a video that can show you stuff about performance anxiety:

Still, studying the self has shown exactly how studying the self made us ineffective. Pop quiz. Do you call this a paradox, or an irony?

I rather think it's more of an irony.

2018-11-07 19:00 Philippines Wednesday

Mah keyss.

The girly not-key looks so girly and so unlike me that I like it. It says "Open your mind!" on the tiny pink heart of it.

I think this was an excess Christmas gift when I was in late elementary school days or high school and it used to be a keychain, not a key, but look what I did to it haha

I really like how Ms. Siomai smiles back at me sweetly when I greet her and when I thank them for the meal with my own smiles.

I know she's just being polite, but she seems like she can be an easy-to-talk-to friend.

God always provides enough for his people.

Thank you for this meal.

2018-11-07 20:00 Philippines Wednesday

Peak Meeting adjourned!

Exciting big quests.

“Calm Spell”

I feel sad for some reason, almost to tears But this ain't nothing And it sure as hell ain't everything.

Keep your cool. It's okay. Take it slow.

Focus.

Yana's soul is fuzzy. Like, cozy fuzzy.

She

Tries to reach out to me. In bits, in chewable pieces.

I can feel Her.

Karu and I are out to get the second half of our dinner.

We finally established at tonight's Peak meeting the curfew—23:00. Thank God. Thank you, Ira and Moira.

I don't usually draw that way by the way. I am pretty flexible with art style. The problem? I'm no practitioner. I'm just an on-and-off hobbyist. I'm not even sure I'd count it as a hobby anymore. I used to draw a lot, but then I realized my true love was words.

2018-11-08 00:32 Philippines Thursday

I cried. 

A lot. From about 01:00 to 02:38.

I didn't know whether I'd write about this or not, since it's pretty much an inconvenient coincidence that caused it, but here I am.

After the meeting, Karu and I walked outside to get food, right? While walking with him, I wrote that previous entry above this.

Karu had lots of ideas and stories. He cut himself off at least twice, saying instead that I should finish my entry first since I lose my ideas pretty fast when another thing catches my interest.

Turns out he's the same. Walking together, I kind of sensed his slight frustration. But I didn't make room to dive that thought because I wasn't done finishing my thoughts for the entry yet.

We reach stoplight after stoplight, and he suggests that we can get food from a carinderia (small eatery) instead. Cheaper, healthier.

But I still wasn't done analyzing my thoughts for the entry. I kept typing and told him I leave it up to him, and that I'm good with whatever.

Then I noticed we were heading towards the convenience store instead. Only then was I done with the entry. He got my full attention.

We look at sandwiches. They seemed the best option in there.

But we only got 70 pesos. A sandwich that was even worth our time is at least 39 pesos.

I kept suggesting to him that I can go walk back to the house to get more money and he can wait in the store since I knew how much he disliked the action of going back and forth for such trivial things (even things that matter to him).

But he kept saying that my suggestion made no sense. That we had enough.

That confused me. I tried suggesting the 30-peso hotdog sandwiches. Then he said he didn't feel like eating anymore.

He entrusted the money to me and so I walked inside the convenience store while he remained outside and sat on the sidewalk.

I tried to assess the situation, and I thought maybe he liked the 39-peso sandwiches better than hotdogs, but he didn't want to make me have to resort to a hotdog sandwich just to fit the budget.

So that's exactly what I did. Maybe he'd like the sandwich. He didn't feel like eating anymore but we both knew he needed it.

And we head back home and as expected the first thing he did was light up a cigarette at the dirty kitchen.

It was quick, so I could tell he didn't want to be around people. Job, Ira, and Zenith were around.

Entering our room that I occupied was the lesser evil.

After taking our bites, he finally shared why he's so pissed.

He made his own logical assessment of his emotions.

"You are annoying sometimes."

Firstly, he said, he forgot the ideas he wanted to tell me about. Secondly, for some reason he also wanted me to make our decision as he gave suggestions on where to eat. Lastly, he really just wanted to have the time with me to walk and talk to each other.

This was the first time anything like it happened so I was deeply affected. He left the room for water and I took the chance to cry by establishing the threshold: the point where the tears are about to overflow. I wouldn't let it, and distracted myself with other thoughts until I got my neutral face back and cried silently until I reached the threshold again.

He got back, lied down, and we turned the lights off.

When I couldn't restrain my now willingly hidden tears, I turned my back against him and lied on my left side.

My tears overflowed, dying to spill everything. Everything. I did it all silently. I cried hot tears soundlessly.

He clicked his tongue, as he always did when he got pissed. Either it's because he thought I was just leaving things unfinished and going straight to sleep, or his musician ears caught the irregular breathing of my tear-soaked lungs (figuratively). (Fuck musicians.) After a minute maybe, he apologized for "getting pissed."

I wanted to say that it wasn't something he should apologize to me about, but I couldn't say a word. I knew my voice would betray my tears.

I cried some more in the quiet and then finally got the leaning-positive shade of my personality back when I was satisfied with crying my shit out. I lied down on my right this time, facing him.

I asked if he needed the blanket that was accidentally on his pillow, and he gestured a yes by lifting his head. I had a bit of trouble unfolding it, since it was in a messy fold, and was surprised that he helped me.

His hand traveled under the sheets and took my left leg so it was laying over his, as he usually did to show affection. I couldn't muster the balls to hug him as I usually did to return his affection and he sensed it, taking my left hand to let it rest on his left shoulder.

He asked me what was making me feel bad, since according to his understanding of the situation, no one was to blame. It's not wrong to want to write my journal entries. It's not wrong to want to walk and talk with your wife.

After multiple hesitations and anxiety over his patience (he repeatedly asked me what's up with such gentleness), I finally said that it's because I vowed to be a wife and a partner. But all I am is a failure. He touched my face and confirmed my tears.

It's good that I got to deal with the self-obsession somehow, as I realized halfway how my thoughts are beginning to be overly critical and close-mindedly inward. Still, I felt sad.

I felt too guilty to get over this emotionally-perceived mistake.

He said I have more "successes" than "failures," the complete opposite of him. He asked me to mount him (nothing sexual, although it did come to that later when I promoted it HAHA) so I could hug him more naturally.

I wanted to tell him he's wrong, but all I could do was shake my head to our darkness-adjusted eyes, because my voice kept breaking. I'm bad with crying.

He comforted me, saying he couldn't stay mad at me even if he wanted to, unlike his signature temper.

We basically ended on a kind note, but I still think we didn't end with the good we could have. We ended good in a way, but we still have obsessive dwellings on our respective egos. He still thinks he's a bad husband most of the time, and I still think I'm a bad wife most of the time.

We must find a way to get out of this rut. Replace the mode of thinking. It doesn't help anyone.

Also, as a note, Karu didn't know exactly how we got there either. To that conflict. We're usually more flexible than that. I'm just realized after the fact last "night" that he just came from a gig.

That could actually make sense, but I'm not ready to conclude yet.

[not-just-any-fangirl]

Hey!!! So in light of mashimas drawings of next gen I was wondering if u have any headcanons on how Lucy would tell natsu she was pregnant and how they would be with a baby/ when Lucy was pregnant. Ily and have a great day!!!

I actually HC nalu having four children! So prepare looooooool

The first would be a son named Igneel, but would go by Elly. He’s a strawberry blond and green eyes. Elly specializes in dragon slaying magic like his father, but goes for Ice Dragon Slayer magic. Natsu is both proud and betrayed, even more so when Elly dates and goes seriously with gruvia’s eldest son, Tenkiame (sunshower). 

Lucy tells Natsu she’s pregnant by screaming as she looks at the third test stick with a little pink cross on it. They’d only been together-together for two years, and Lucy had planned on being married and about four years closer to 30 when she started her family. Natsu cries he’s so happy. Happy cries. Everyone cries. Lucy cries happy tears after the shocks worn off. 

The pregnancy is fairly easy, little morning sickness and not a whole lot of weight gain. Some weird cravings and mood swings that terrify Natsu, but nothing he can’t handle. They want the gender to be a surprise, and Natsu doesn’t care bcus he wants so many he figures it’ll even out. 

The birth terrifies Natsu bcus he hates seeing her in that much pain and with that much blood, but he stays and holds her hand and keeps his own panic at bay for her. 

He cries when Lucy tells him what she’s decided to name their son: Igneel. 

The second time Lucy gets pregnant is a year later, and they’re scared but excited, ready to see what happens. Unfortunately, at the 18th week Lucy suffers a miscarriage. She fights with a resurfacing of her depression for several months, eventually coming to terms and accepting the death of her second child. Natsu is torn between trying to protect her and shield her from the world and give her her own space, and they heal together, slowly but surely. The give her the name Layla on her headstone. 

Their next children are twins called Tatsu (dragon) and Mitsu (star). They have light pink hair and brown eyes and are holy terrors. Tatsu and Mitsu both become celestial mages, Tatsu with beasts and fire focus and Mitsu with humanoid and heavenly focus.

The next time Lucy gets pregnant Elly is three, and Lucy’s a lot more cautious about her excitement, but she can’t help but get excited about it. Until she finds out they’re twins. 

After the first 20 weeks Lucy stops worrying as much, tho this pregnancy is much more taxing. The hormones are a lot more wild and so are her cravings, and Lucy may sneeze too hard and set the curtains on fire maybe once or twice. 

Natsu doesn’t need to know.

The birth itself sends Lucy into a hemorrhage after 28 hours of labor. Natsu does not fair well while Porly looks after her and the twins, fear gnawing at him that he might lose his family again. He doesn’t leave her or the twins side for a month while she heals.

Natsu and Lucy agree to find out the sex so they have time to mentally prepare for twins. They’re ecstatic to find out it’s girls, bcus Lucy thinks she’ll have to worry less about them challenging dangerous monsters or burning down their house

PSYCH 

Their last child is also a girl, five years after Elly and two years after Tatsu and Mitsu. They name her Luna, and she is the spitting image of Lucy and Layla. She uses fire heavenly body magic, and calls down comets and fire balls from the heavens. While Jellal focused more on constellations Luna focuses more on stright up destruction falling from the heavens and burning everything below her in a firey, firey crash. 

Natsu jokes about continuing the L name, and Lucy, in all her post-birth glory, takes him seriously and suggests the name Luna. Natsu agrees, and that is forever her name. Levy loves having two Lulu’s. 

This was a surprise pregnancy as they already had three children, but Lucy and Natsu are both giddy at the idea of expanding their little family. 

The pregnancy is even easier than Elly’s, and all of the children are VIBRATING with excitement about having another sibling. 

Until Lucy goes into labor at one week after the 8th month mark. 

The birth is slightly complicated but the hardest part is allowing Porly and Wendy to keep Luna under intense supervision for another month. 

Wendy is the one to bring Luna home to Natsu and Lucy when she’s healthy enough, and Lucy sobs in relief that she won’t have to say goodbye to another child. 

Natsu is the best dad. He takes his kids fishing and exploring and teaches them everything he wishes Igneel had had the time to teach him. He’s wrapped around all of their fingers and the children know if they want something they ask Natsu first. He tries not to play favourites and he generally doesn’t, but Luna just looks so much like Lucy he can’t help but give in more to her baby girl.

Lucy goes through several stages of ‘what if I’m not a good mother’ and such, bcus she lacked her own healthy parental figures, what with Jude being Jude and Layla dying when Lucy was six/seven. She has to be the strict parent, which does weigh on her sometimes, but she rules with love and disappointment rather than controlling her children. Also, they are Natsu’s offspring as if ANYONE could control them. The twins are her favourite bcus they mastered Natsu’s puppy dog eyes and show an interest in her spirits. 

I know this is more than you wanted but eh! 

[eddiekasp]

what about reddie's first fight? 👀

Sure thing!!! Again, thank you so much the the lovely amazing @beepsrichie who helped with some of these HCs! Get ready for angst:

- Richie and Eddie bicker all the time about tiny things. Which movie to watch, who won in their game of cards, things like that. These go away after minutes though, and are totally out of affection. Because of these tiny tiffs, most of their anger dissipates during them.

- They’re also very honest with each other (sometimes brutally honest) so real fights between them are very, very rare. 

- Their first fight, however, was a couple weeks after they started dating during their Sophomore year of High School. 

- By this time, Richie’s home life was really bad. His mom was drinking severely, often barely able to function and left under the care of her only son, and Richie’s father was home but nearly out of the picture. They were pretty much complete strangers to each other.

- Richie was so embarrassed of them and of the fact that he didn’t know how to deal with the situation that he didn’t tell anyone about it for a long time. Bev and Eddie got hints, but no details. None of the Losers were allowed over at his house. 

- After Richie and Eddie start dating, Eddie encourages Richie to open up more and talk about things that are bothering him. He always puts this facade of humor over his problems, and it was difficult for him to crack his shell and start to be honest with his feelings to other people.

- After Eddie finds one of Richie’s notebooks that had jokes, drawings, writings, etc. in it, Richie let Eddie take it home since there was a lot about him in there (see my fic for more about this!!). However, in there were some pretty concerning things that Richie wrote about his home life.

- Eddie tries to ask Richie about it one night when he can tell Richie is feeling really fucked up about it, but Richie only drops hints at what’s really going on. He refuses to go into detail and fully open up. Eddie knows it’s not because Richie doesn’t trust him, but rather because this is the hardest thing he’s had to deal with in his life, maybe even more so than It when they were in Middle School.

- Eddie is the person that Richie is the most comfortable with, and will even go through with Eddie coming over to his house as long as they have a place to hang out alone. His parents don’t care and never check up on them even if Eddie sleeps over or they’re being loud or anything. His parents totally cannot care less, which is nice when they just want a private place to hang out together, but of course in general doesn’t have the best implications. 

- Eddie can come over under the condition that they sprint straight up the stairs and into Richie’s room, locking the door behind him. Eddie isn’t allowed to go around Richie’s house unless Richie’s there, and he DEFINITELY cannot talk to Richie’s parents under any circumstances. By having these informal boundaries set, Richie hopes he can avoid this embarrassment. 

- However, a couple weeks after Eddie first started pressing the issue of Richie’s family, he’s over at Richie’s house one night when his mother has an episode.

- She barged into the room completely drunk and making loud comments, telling Richie to go clean up after her mess downstairs. She had left empty cups and glasses all over the counters, and the smell of vomit recently washed down the sink was permeating through the house.

- Richie thought he’d rather drop dead right then and there than have to give Eddie any sort of explanation or see his face after he witnessed this. Richie’s mom yelled at him to go and clean, and Richie was so infuriated he nearly shoved Eddie out the front door and locked it after him. 

- Richie cried the whole night, not knowing how to explain or face Eddie after the one thing he had been trying his hardest to avoid in his life. Eddie couldn’t sleep because he was so worried about Richie. He wanted to call him but didn’t think it was a good idea at 3 in the morning.

- The next day, Eddie goes to Richie’s house and persuades him to go for a drive with him. At first it’s completely normal; they talk and laugh as though nothing at all had happened the night before.

- The two finally pull over into the parking lot of the park and Eddie brings up the topic he had been thinking about all day. He asks Richie about the night before and instantly sees his face get dark. Typical for him, Richie attempts to divert the awkwardness by cracking a joke, and Eddie tells him that this is serious and that he was so worried he couldn’t fucking sleep the night before. 

- He tells Eddie he doesn’t want to talk about it and that they better drop it or he would leave. He is not budging, completely reluctant to tell Eddie the details of the hell he’s been living in the last couple of years.

- Finally, after 30 minutes of attempted persuasion, Richie can’t hold the hot tears in his eyes anymore and lets them spill, telling Eddie everything he can think of while Eddie holds his hand from the driver’s seat. 

- Eddie’s trying to stay calm and just listen to Richie because he knows that’s what he needs right now, but nothing in the world infuriates him more than learning about how his parents had been treating and neglecting him. 

- After Richie finishes, Eddie can’t hold in his anger anymore. He starts yelling, not at Richie but about the situation in general. He tells Richie he has to get the fuck out of there, try to prevent his mom from drinking, do things to get his dad to pay attention, talk to them, anything. He needs to see Richie do something to make it better or he feels like he’ll explode, since he knows he himself can’t do anything to ameliorate the situation. 

- Richie gets really defensive. He knows he himself can’t do much, either. He tells Eddie that he doesn’t get to tell him what to do since he has no clue what it’s like to be in his situation.

- Eddie just wants to help but is totally terrified and overwhelmed by it all. The idea of someone hurting Richie and Richie feeling like he has no one to talk to makes Eddie tear up, but he knows he’s not helping by reacting the way he was. He didn’t want to offend Richie and knows how personal this is for him, but he’s so angry he can’t help the angry words that spill out. He tells Richie to fucking do something about it.

- They fight back and forth and Richie exclaims how he’s kinda stuck in the situation with not much he can change. Richie always puts up the front of humor because being vulnerable in front of someone is unthinkable to him. He feels like the one time he decides to let his guard down, Eddie reacts horrible. He’s so angry and upset.

- Eddie tells him that he’s just worried and wants to make sure Richie can be happy and okay. Richie tells him that he never asked him to be worried. He says that he thought they would just be hanging out normally, and didn’t sign up for this intervention bullshit. He tries to get out of the car, and Eddie grabs his wrist to pull him back down.

- Eddie can’t understand why Richie won’t let Eddie help him. Eddie says that it’s insane to him that Richie isn’t seeing that he just wants what’s best for him and to help.

- Richie tells him to stop butting into his personal life, and that he doesn’t want his help.

- Eddie nearly shouts, “Richie I just want to fucking be here for you. You don’t always have to put a wall up. I know this is really hard for you, so let me help you deal with it!”

- Richie replies, “Fuck off, you don’t know anything about this. You don’t know about anything I’m going through or how I’m actually feeling, ever.” This is a huge slap to the face for Eddie, who thought they were each other’s closest people. 

- Eddie gets super hurt and says that he doesn’t know what Richie means. He says that Richie is like, the most important person in his life. He looks like he’s on the verge of angry, sad tears.

- Richie starts to feel bad for cutting Eddie so deep, and tells him that he feels the same about him. But Eddie’s done by that point, and tells Richie that if he doesn’t want his help or his shoulder to lean on, why was he still here anyways? Why were they even together if Richie couldn’t trust him or allow him to help?

- Richie says he’s not sure himself. He decides to leave and walk home since he wasn’t all that far.

- Richie lingers a bit and keeps looking over his shoulder to see if Eddie was going after him. Eddie keeps checking the mirrors in his car for the same thing. Neither of them go.

- A couple days pass of them not speaking to each other, but Eddie is so filled with guilt and worry that he finds he can barely even eat or focus on school at all. He feels like the most horrible person alive, making Richie feel guilty even though he was the victim. He just wanted to support him and he fucked everything up. He worried that Richie could never confide in him– or anyone– after getting a reaction like that. 

- He wouldn’t be able to completely distance himself from Richie though, so he calls Bev every day if not twice a day to ask if Richie’s doing okay. 

- Neither Richie nor Eddie told the other Losers what had happened between them, but it didn’t take much to gather that something really bad had happened between them and it was their job to fix it and get them back together.

- The group ends up attempting to trick them to come to the Barrens at the same time. Before then, anytime either of them would go down there they would ask Bill if the other was coming (part of them hoping they wouldn’t so they wouldn’t have to face them, but the other part desperately needing to see them even if they didn’t speak). 

- On the day they finally get the two to meet up again, the group has a whole speech prepared about how the two love each other so much and shouldn’t fight. However, the speech goes unused because the second the two see each other, they’re nearly cry and hugging each other for like 15 minutes. Mike laughs and says its like a romance movie come to life.

- The rest of the group lets them be alone, and the two profusely appologize for everything. Richie lets his guard down and is totally honest with Eddie, and Eddie just tries to listen and be there. He tells Richie that he’d do anything to make sure he was happy and that he loves him more than anyone in the world, and just hearing those words (and knowing they’re true) after thinking he was so unworthy of being loved or even entertaining the possibility of someone loving him makes him feel like they’ll be fine.

- They’re totally inseparable again after that, even closer than they were before if that was possible for them. 

[kookienomster3]

I Want The Headline (Pt. 33)

Written By: suga-of-daegu BTS Fanfiction Angst WARNING: MATURE CONTENT Mafia/Gang

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hr>

“Jeon?”

Jungkook took a deep breath in his sleep, mouth shutting. His eyes were still firmly shut as his body slept, no indication that he was cold from the icy breeze crawling along the rooftop. Even pressed between the heater unit and his body, you were feeling the chill. You turned towards him, debating on whether or not to move closer to him.

He would dislike it, right?

You frowned to yourself, gaze lowering to his arms crossed over his chest and legs lying straight down. He wasn’t exactly inviting. At least with Yoongi, he’d sleep on his side, slightly curled; the perfect position for you to squeeze into when you had a nightmare. And whenever you had done so he’d only yawn, resting his head against yours. Jungkook was flat on his back, straight as a board. Tentatively, you slipped your hand into one of his, pulling it away from his chest to try to make room.

His fingers suddenly curled around yours, halting your movement. Eye snapping back up to his face, you saw that Jungkook was quietly staring at you, the sleep seemingly evaporating as he focused on your face. He looked angry, you observed. This was indeed a bad idea. “What are you doing?” He asked hoarsely, gaze dropping to your cold hands. You quickly pulled your hand away, nervously looking at it,

“I-I was..I was trying to lay beside you.” You mumbled. He narrowed his eyes in confusion,

“You already are.” He observed. Shaking your head, you rolled onto your back, pulling the blankets up higher. Jungkook lightly tapped your thigh under the blankets, “What were you really trying to do?” He sighed heavily at your silence, “What’s wrong now?”

“I’m sorry.”

“Sorry for what?”

“Waking you.” You murmured, “You looked angry when you woke up after I touched you so I’m sorry..I won’t do it again.” He shook his head, crossing his arms once more,

“It’s not you..You…You just can’t wake up thinking that whoever’s waking you only wants to hold your hand.” He explained, “I wasn’t angry that you were waking me up.” Jungkook shifted closer, rolling onto his side and kissing the tip of your shoulder, “Now what did you really want, Jagi?” He rolled his eyes when you shook your head, still refusing to tell him. “I’m awake now.” he complained softly, “At least say something.”

“Can you tell me about your family?” You suddenly whispered, shifting your attention to him. He seemed to know more about your family than you did. It would be nice to know a little more about his. Hovering over you, Jungkook’s face was a couple inches from yours, his teasing expression wiping to a blank stare the moment your question left your lips. He drew back a bit, shrugging.

“My mom died in a fire Jimin started.” He huffed, “I was 11…what more is there to talk about?”

“What was she like?” You tried, “How did your dad die?”

He sent you an odd look, shaking his head, “My dad’s not dead.” Your eyes widened,

“He’s not? Oh, I’m sorry, Jeon. I-I thought..I don’t know what I thought, you just never mentioned him…I thought he died.” Your face flushed in embarrassment and he only ran the pad of his thumb along your cheek, feeling the warm growing there. You brushed his hand aside, embarrassed that you had assumed something so outrageous. “Where is your dad? Do you talk to him? What does he do? Is he in the Mafia too?” He smiled at you, slowly shaking his head,

“No..” He chuckled, covering his mouth with his hand, “No, he’s not in the Mafia, Y/N. He’s..” Jungkook’s laughter quieted, “He’s the mayor.”

“The mayor!?” You exclaimed. Jungkook’s dad was the mayor? The mayor was a graying man and Jungkook was so young, how was that possible? How old was his mother? “Wh- Why are you in the Mafia, then? I don’t..did you two fight after your mother died or something?”

His expression sombered, “No..He was having an affair with my mom when she got pregnant with me..He gave her the side girl special. Apartment on the opposite side of town, paid rent, all that.” He scratched his head, “He didn’t want anyone to know that he was having an affair; none the less a woman 10 years younger than him.” Jungkook waved off your horrified expression, “It’s not that bad, I think…Tae’s dad was fifte-no, twenty. He was twenty years older than his mom.” His face saddened,

“She was 16. Tae said one day in grade school he came home and his dad was there; after being gone since he was born..and his mom was gone. He said he learned everything he knows from his dad, but I never know if he’s proud or ashamed of that…they never got along. A few years back he found his mom. She’s got a husband and kids; she’s a nurse….I don’t know what happened between her and Tae other than she has a restraining order on him now.”

You wrapped your arms around Jungkook, burying your face into his chest, “I’m sorry.” He laughed lightly, rubbing your shoulder.

“It’s not your fault.”

“Why..why didn’t your dad take you in when your mom died? Have you spoken to him since? Wait, does he even know about you?” That would explain why Jungkook was in the Mafia in the first place. Surely the mayor of the city. despite his apparent stain of an affair, would take in his own son? His entire campaign was family focused. There was no way he knew about Jungkook and did nothing.

“He knows.” He stated, “I see him at speeches sometimes when Namjoon hyung wants to sit in on them. He looks at me..that’s about it.” Rubbing his nose, Jungkook shifted his legs, flinching at your cold toes brushing along his shins, “He was there..after the fire department came..He said he couldn’t pick me up with so many people to witness so he told me to wait in an alley across the street..” His arms wrapped around you tightly,

“I waited for three days, then Namjoon forced me to go back to the warehouse. But even then, I went back to that alley the next to wait and he didn’t show, so I left a note telling him I’d wait there from noon to sunset everyday and if he couldn’t get there during that time, I’d be at the warehouse. He..he obviously never showed and I stopped waiting for him.” You felt his lips press against your temple, “I’ve got an older half brother though.” He murmured humorously,

“He’s a police officer. He’s got a wife and two boys; I’m an uncle, Y/N.” He chuckled,“..He arrested me once actually! His oldest son is close to my age…I saw him trying to buy drugs from someone, so I called the police..I stayed around to make sure he didn’t buy anything and ended up getting arrested. He arrested his own brother for looking out for his son! But he doesn’t know me, so I can’t blame him. My stepmom is a housewife, she likes throwing parties.”

“How do you know all this?”

“I used to keep tabs on them.” He admitted, “..They’re my family, I guess..not my real family; not like Namjoon and Tae and everyone else. Namjoon’s done more for me than my mayor dad ever has. And Tae’s more of a brother than Mr Police Captain.”

He kept track of them, you wondered sadly. You felt your eyes water. How could he casually talk about observing a family that he should have been a part of? He could’ve been an officer too. He could have finished highschool and went on to college and been perfectly happy if his father was half the man he should be. Jungkook might’ve been engaged by now with a steady job and a home and real friends. Why didn’t Jeon hate him? “When did you stop keeping track of them?”

“After I met you.”

He grinned at your surprised look, brushing away your tears. Jungkook kissed you quickly, arms drawing you in closer, “You’ve taken up a lot of my time.” He joked. He felt you shiver in his hold and he curled around you, “Do you want to meet them? There’s a speech tomorrow, I think. We can stand in the crowd..He always spots me.”

“No.”

“No?” He echoed in disbelief. “I want to though…I want him to see you…to see I’m happy.” You shook your head furiously,

“No.” You cried, angrily wiping at your eyes. Why was Jeon trying to show his father he was happy? Jungkook didn’t have to prove anything to that man. The mayor didn’t deserve to know anything of whether Jungkook was happy or not. He didn’t deserve a son like Jeon. “I don’t want to meet or see the man who abandoned you. I regret ever voting for him.” You frowned, holding him tighter, “I’m sorry, Jeon.”

He sighed pleasantly, dabbing at your eyes with the hem of the blanket. While your constant and consistent concern for him made him feel truly loved, he didn’t understand sometimes. He thought you wanted to know about his family? All that talk about his dad wasn’t sad at all compared to his mom, he figured. Jungkook didn’t know his dad.. Yeah, he knew of him, but that personal connection, like he had with his mom, wasn’t there. Talking about his dad was just talking; there was no feeling. There was no need for you to be so upset. There was especially no need for you to feel the need to apologize. “Why do you keep apologizing? What are you sorry for?”

“I’m sorry I can’t fix any of that..your mom, your dad, your nephew, this whole Mafia.” If anyone deserved a happy and carefree life, it was Jungkook. He deserved everything and it crushed your heart that you couldn’t give him any of that. You loved Jeon, but you couldn’t offer him one good thing. You were just you; and you were useless.

Pulling his head down to yours, you kissed him; surprising him with your sudden zeal. Jungkook sighed, quickly taking control. His hand cupped your jaw, holding you still as he tilted his head. You felt his leg press between your thighs as he rolled atop you, the weight of his body pressing into you. He angled your head towards his, switching the position of his mouth.

Your fingers dug into his broad shoulders, toes curling as he rhythmically pressed into you. His hand pulled your shirt up, and you flinched at the winter air seeping under the blanket and stinging your skin. Abruptly shocked from your daze to feel the throbbing of your leg, you pressed a hand against his hip, nudging him back. He propped his weight on his hands and knees, mumbling a curse to himself when he noticed you massaging your thigh. He had forgotten you were still injured and he had just put all his weight on you. What was he thinking?

Well, he knew what he was thinking, but why did he think now was a good time?

Rolling onto the mattress beside you, he placed his hands beside yours, soothingly working his fingers along the muscle. Your fingers intertwined with his as you softly apologized once more, “I’m sorry I can’t make your life better.” He looked at you in disbelief,

“You already have.”

[noroark]

Actions and Words

Pairing: Jean Pierre Polnareff x Muhammad Avdol

Rating: T (Language)

Summary: Polnareff and Avdol share a hotel room. It's early in the morning—much too early to get up and start the day—and they're both wide awake. Since neither of them can go back to sleep, they pass the time by having a talk. It starts out as idle conversation, but it quickly takes a different direction. Suddenly, they're in each other's arms. It was inevitable. They both know how it happened, and yet it still feels like there's something they don't understand.

(Here it is! Hopefully you’ll find it delightfully cheesy rather than awkward, cloying, or annoyingly cliche. According to my sister, it’s “good shit”. I guess that’s all that really matters, since after all, she’s the one who wanted it.)

AO3 - http://archiveofourown.org/works/10475163

FFN - https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12422848/1/

Another night, another hotel.

Polnareff had lost track of how many hotels he had stayed in over the course of his travels. Even though each hotel had varied in its quality and tendency to attract enemy Stands, they had all blended in Polnareff's mind and become indistinguishable from one another. His collective perception of hotels was that they were filthy, dangerous places with bathrooms that were even filthier and five times as dangerous. Hotels should have been a refuge from the trials of his journey, but that was rarely the case. Having a roof over his head protected Polnareff from the elements, but enemy Stands weren't like the weather: no amount of shelter could keep them from getting in. He was never truly safe.

The hotel in Luxor was different. Polnareff wasn't sure if it was a five star hotel, but to him, it was just as good. All in all, it provided a perfectly mundane experience. It was up to Polnareff's standards of cleanliness, and the beds were comfortable enough to afford him a good night's sleep—a sleep that hadn't been interrupted by any enemy Stands. The promise of a complementary breakfast was what had roused him awake at such an early hour.

Polnareff squinted at the clock, trying to make out the position of the hands in the faint light of dawn. It was around 5:15 a.m. Breakfast wouldn't be served until 6:30. There was more than an hour to go. Polnareff rammed the back of his head into his pillow and groaned. He had already committed to being awake, so he had no choice but to wait it out.

He stared at the ceiling, wearily searching for the shapes of animals in the stucco. He lost interest as soon as he remembered that there was an actual animal in his room—it took a couple seconds, at most. Iggy was hard to ignore. In an effort to keep his distance from Polnareff, he had wedged himself into one of the corners of the room. He was fast asleep, and his labored snoring was thunderous. A dog his size shouldn't have been able to make so much noise, but Iggy didn't care. It seemed that nothing could stand in the way of his mission to piss Polnareff off in as many ways possible.

Polnareff resented the fact that Iggy was in his room. It didn't make sense. Jotaro was by himself. Joseph was by himself. Meanwhile, Polnareff had to share his room with both Avdol and the dog. Logically, Iggy should have stayed with one of the others—but Avdol was at the behest of no such logic. He had insisted upon keeping Iggy in their room because he thought it would help Polnareff bond with him. On the contrary, he was only growing more and more fed up with the dog. He glared at Avdol, who lay in the bed next to his, all the while wondering how he was able to sleep through the noise.

It turned out that Avdol wasn't sleeping. The whites of his eyes stood out against the darkness of his face. His pupils were absently wandering the ceiling, much like Polnareff's had been moments before. Avdol didn't look nearly as well rested—perhaps he was wondering how Polnareff had managed to get any sleep at all. The thought of Avdol regretting his decision gratified Polnareff in a vindictive way.

Avdol was easily Polnareff's closest friend. While their relationship had been rocky at first, they became very close following a chain of events that had unfolded over the past week or so. Still, there was something about Avdol that frustrated Polnareff, but he didn't know what it was. This frustration manifested in a variety of ways. For example, Polnareff hadn't fought Avdol's decision to keep Iggy in their room. He hadn't been able to bring himself to argue with him, so he'd kept silent. It wasn't that Avdol had convinced him to change his mind—Polnareff still thought the idea was dumb, and it was. But since he hadn't said anything, he had to deal with the consequences.

What was it, then? Was it because Polnareff didn't want risk upsetting Avdol by turning him down? They had grown so close in such a short period of time that Polnareff didn't know the limits of their friendship, and he was scared to test their boundaries. He was normally an outspoken person, but he had a way of dancing around certain topics when he talked to Avdol—and yet he still found himself blurting out things to which Avdol would certainly take offense if it weren't for his temperate personality. In fact, it seemed like Polnareff went out of his way to offend him at times.

It didn't add up—that was what Polnareff kept telling himself. He told himself a lot of things like that, and jumped through all sorts of mental hoops to maintain the illusion that he didn't know why he was frustrated. There was never any doubt. Polnareff had known what his frustration was from the very moment those feelings had surfaced in his heart. Polnareff wasn't actually frustrated with Avdol—he was just a scapegoat. Polnareff was frustrated with himself. He was frustrated that he had those feelings, and that he couldn't let them out because he knew Avdol didn't feel the same. Because of that, Polnareff often felt like it was Avdol's fault that he was frustrated, and he took it out on him.

Most of the time, he still enjoyed his company, though.

Avdol noticed that Polnareff was staring at him. “You're awake,” he said. It was unlike him to point out something so obvious. He must have been really tired.

“Yup. I sure am.”

Avdol rolled onto his side. He grumbled, “If I'm awake, and you're awake, then I suppose it's only fair that Iggy wakes up too.”

“Can't argue with that.” Polnareff snickered and summoned Silver Chariot. The armored Stand materialized above him, pointing its rapier toward the slumbering Iggy. Polnareff thrust it like a javelin. It shot through the air, piercing the floor inches from Iggy's nose. “Time to get up, Lazybones!” he called, keeping his voice hushed.

Avdol and Polnareff shared a laugh as Iggy yelped and jolted to his feet. He frantically searched for the source of the disturbance, but Polnareff had already withdrawn Silver Chariot. Once he had gotten over his shock, Iggy turned to face the laughing men. The dog failed to see the humor in his rude awakening. He growled, sand pooling under his paws.

Avdol and Polnareff weren't laughing anymore.

“O-oh!” Polnareff cried, unable to keep his voice down. “There's no need for that, r-really!”

Iggy considered for a moment. Much to Avdol and Polnareff's relief, the sand faded away.

Polnareff clapped his hands and chimed, “Good dog! Good b—” Iggy launched himself at him, a flurry of teeth and slobber. Avdol chuckled again as Polnareff fought to tear the dog away.

“Gah!” Polnareff held Iggy, who was still kicking and biting, by the scruff of his neck. He spat out a wad of dog hair. “Avdol! You bastard. You knew this would happen, didn't you?”

Avdol shrugged, sitting up. “I didn't say you had to use Silver Chariot to wake him. That was your own choice.”

Polnareff muttered something unintelligible as he waited for Iggy to calm down. When he stopped fighting, Polnareff carefully placed him on the floor. He braced himself for another attack, but the dog merely flashed him a dirty look and trotted back to his corner. He curled up in a ball and closed his eyes, as if nothing had happened.

“It seems you two are starting to get along swimmingly!” Avdol remarked. “That's the fastest I've seen you settle a disagreement. It looks like Iggy didn't draw blood this time, too. You're getting there. At this rate, the two of you will be best of friends in no time.”

Polnareff rolled his eyes. “Shut up.”

“You'll have to make me.”

He rolled his eyes again. “Man. Anybody who doesn't know you that well would think you're so calm and wise, but it's just an act. You're a big kid inside. You're always cracking jokes, and putting on costumes, and daring people to do weird stuff, and all sorts of crap like that.”

Avdol flashed a mischievous grin, fixating on one part of his accusation in particular. “I still can't believe you fell for my disguise back on the island. Seeing you accept it without question… it was hard to keep myself from laughing. I almost blew my cover then and there.”

“But… I…” Polnareff's face was hot with embarrassment. He whined, “I had no reason to think it was you! They told me you were dead, remember?” He froze, his expression pensive. “How did you pull that disguise off, anyway?”

“I rubbed some ash into my hair,” Avdol said, thoroughly amused, “and wore green robes instead of red.”

“And?”

“That's all.”

“Really? No makeup, no movie magic? I'll be damned if I didn't see a wrinkle or two.”

Avdol ran his fingers across his face. “I wouldn't be surprised if I gained some wrinkles or my hair actually did turn gray, what with all the stress I'd been dealing with.”

Polnareff gave him a light punch. “Stress? What could you possibly have been stressed about? You got to hang out on an island for a couple of weeks! Do you have any idea what the rest of us were up to while you were off on your little vacation? We fought so many Stands without you!” We...” He flailed his arms, perhaps in an effort to give momentum to his stalling train of thought. “We, uh… we fought the sun!”

“The Sun?” Avdol inquired. “What kind of Stand was the one that invoked The Sun?”

“No, no! None of that tarot crap! Only you would assume… well, I mean… it was probably the one representing The Sun card. I don't think it was the Ace of Hearts or whatever the hell. But I'm talking about an actual, literal sun. A big flaming ball of gas! We had to dig a hole in the ground, and there was this mirror, and… and then Jotaro threw a rock and we won. But we almost died! It was pretty funny, though. A mirror! Ha…” His voice trailed off as he realized he had forgotten what point he was trying to make.

Avdol blinked as he tried to piece together Polnareff's hasty retelling. “That, uh. That certainly sounds like it was stressful.” He carried on. “It wasn't all rest and relaxation for me on the island. Rest, yes. I needed to recover from my injuries. I can assure you that I was unable to relax, though.”

“Why's that?” Polnareff asked unthinkingly.

“Would you be able to relax if you were critically wounded?” He didn't wait for a response. “There were many things on my mind as well. I spent a lot of time thinking about you.”

“Me?”

“Yes. All of you. Jotaro, Joseph, Kakyoin, you.”

Polnareff's eyelid twitched.

“I was worried. My knowledge of your whereabouts was limited. If one of you were killed, I wouldn't have found out until much later.”

Polnareff snorted. “Yeah, being able to know if someone is alive or not sure is nice!”

“Again, I apologize. Like Kakyoin said, the others and I all reached an agreement that it would be for the best if you didn't know. Your behavior right now leads me to believe it was the right decision.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Polnareff balled his hand into a fist and prepared to give him another punch. Before he could strike, Avdol snagged his arm.

“You are rash. Impulsive. You have a very spur of the moment attitude about a lot of things. One might assume this would make you very unpredictable, but it most cases, the opposite is true. That is why I was able to stop your punch without looking.” He let go of Polnareff. “We knew you would have made a big fuss if we told you I was alive. You wouldn't have been able to keep your mouth shut... and then the enemy would have found out where I was, and then I would have died for real.”

“That's not true!” Polnareff cried. “I'm perfectly capable of keeping my mouth shut!”

Someone pounded on the wall from the next room over. “Hey, Polnareff. Mind keeping it down? It's too early for your crap.” It was Jotaro, his voice even hoarser than usual.

Avdol beamed as Polnareff glanced rapidly around the room. “No way! The timing on that was too perfect. You've gotta be messing with me! Is somebody spying on me with their Stand?” He muttered under his breath, “Though I wouldn't put it past Jotaro to just conveniently show up at a time like that.”

“Forgive him, Jotaro. Go back to sleep,” Avdol called. He faced Polnareff, still smiling. “I don't know what that was about. But I do know that you are very, very loud, and you are not good at subtlety, or keeping things secret. If you try to deny any of those things, you will likely prove yourself wrong again.”

Polnareff was quick to react. “Who says I can't keep a secret? I've got plenty of 'em. You think you know me, Avdol? You think you can predict how I'll act? Well, you don't know shit about me! You wouldn't believe how many secrets I have.”

“And what might those be?”

Polnareff laughed. “C'mon! Do you really think I'm going to fall for that? What do you take me for, Avdol? A fool? That card's already taken.” He dismissively waved his hand at Iggy. The dog's eyes snapped open every time Polnareff raised his voice, and he was growing more agitated by the minute. He was too exhausted to do anything about it, though.

“On second thought, I don't think you need to tell me any of your secrets outright. I believe I have caught onto one of them through observation alone. You've been thinking about it a lot lately. Is that correct?”

“What?” hollered Polnareff, turning bright red. “What are you talking about?”

Avdol nodded. “Yes. I am certainly onto something.” He pointed at Polnareff's face. “You're blushing.”

“I don't know what you mean! Seriously!” Polnareff hid behind his hands, and yet he still tried to defend himself. “If it looks like I'm blushing, well… that doesn't mean a thing! Look at me, Avdol. Look at how white I am. When you're this pasty, anything can turn you red. Hell, maybe it's sunburn, or…”

“Tsk, tsk. Enough with the excuses.” Avdol wagged his finger chidingly. “Do you remember what I said? It is useless to deny what I know to be true. You are very outward with your emotions, Polnareff. Even if you keep your lips sealed, I can count on your actions and body language to convey what's truly on your mind. Actions speak louder than words, after all.” Avdol's lips curled into a tiny smile. “I haven't even told you what I think your secret is. How is it that you are already so flustered?”

“Ghk,” Polnareff choked, dropping his gaze to the ground. His forehead was drenched with sweat, and he wouldn't be surprised if all the heat smoldering on his face was making it boil. Even though he couldn't bear to look Avdol in the eye, he could feel the man's cool confidence filling the air around him. The kind of confidence Avdol possessed was not smug or hostile, and he didn't gain any satisfaction through proving Polnareff wrong. Avdol treated his intuition as fact—but rather than insisting he was right and having that be the end of it, he made sure to be transparent about the logic behind each of his conclusions. His goal was to make Polnareff understand—and even though Polnareff wouldn't admit it, he had succeeded in doing so.

Polnareff wanted a reason to hate Avdol and his intuition, if only because he considered him a threat to his ego. He wanted to find a way to defy what Avdol foretold about him, and to be able to get in his face and brag about proving him wrong. That would show him that Avdol was full of shit, which would justify his hatred. Avdol wasn't full of shit, though, so Polnareff couldn't hate him. He was remarkably wise and perceptive, to the extent that his cognitive abilities could easily be mistaken for mysticism. It was no wonder he had chosen to make a living as a fortuneteller. Even those who didn't believe in divination would find themselves enchanted by Avdol's skill in making connections between his clients and the cards they drew.

Beyond that, there was something Polnareff admired about him: he was everything Polnareff was not. Everything about Avdol was subtle, which contrasted with Polnareff's bombastic personality. The two of them balanced each other. When Polnareff was around, Avdol felt free to let loose and have fun. At the same time, Avdol helped Polnareff slow down and think. Sometimes—oftentimes—Avdol made Polnareff feel inadequate. He wasn't jealous, though. Polnareff needed those contrasting qualities in his life, but they didn't have to be his own. Avdol completed him.

That was why Polnareff was drawn to him. That was why he wanted him; needed him. He didn't know how to tell him that, though. Unlike Avdol, Polnareff didn't really have a way with words. He spoke without thinking, and the tension was turning him into even more of a blithering idiot. The moment was right, but he couldn't find his voice. He didn't want to find his voice. If he spoke up, he'd say the wrong stuff and ruin everything—but if he didn't speak up, the moment would pass, and he'd suffer for his silence once again.

Avdol's voice echoed in Polnareff's head: Actions speak louder than words, after all. It was an old cliché, rather than an original nugget of Avdol's wisdom—and yet it seemed expertly tailored to the occasion. Polnareff didn't need to speak. He needed to act. Still, he couldn't bring himself to face his friend. His emotions were escalating, escaping through his pores and making him quake. He didn't even know what was holding him back anymore; it wasn't like him to keep his feelings restrained. Was he still opposed to proving Avdol right? There was no point in keeping up the charade when he and Avdol both already knew the truth.

Polnareff sputtered and sucked in his lower lip, suppressing tears. One of his arms shot out; then, the other. Even though his eyes were still fixed on the floor, Polnareff's arms naturally found their way around Avdol's form. Seconds inched along agonizingly as he waited for Avdol to reciprocate. Polnareff counted to himself, inebriated from anxiety:One… t-two… thr-tr- trois… quatre… cinq… Avdol didn't move, and neither did Polnareff. He was at a loss for how to recover. How could he have misjudged the situation when everything seemed to have fallen into place?

Then, Polnareff remembered what Avdol had said about him: he was rash by nature. Rather than properly reading the situation, he had acted on impulse. He had been proactive in pursuing the outcome he wanted to see, even though it was circumstantially inappropriate. Polnareff was oblivious; he had no business jumping to conclusions like that. That was Avdol's job.

At last, Avdol stirred. “P-Polnareff...”

Polnareff had never heard Avdol's voice falter like that before, and it worried him.

“… When I said I knew your secret, this was… not what I had in mind. I thought your secret was... that you used to wet the bed when you were a kid.”

The noise that came out of Polnareff's throat startled Iggy, causing him to spring to his feet and fart in terror. Polnareff jerked backwards with enough force to send him flying into his bed, where he collapsed into a despondent pile. If it weren't for the sound of Avdol's boisterous laughter, he would have passed out from humiliation.

“Ha!” Avdol wheezed. “I got you good! I don't think I've even seen Silver Chariot move that fast.”

Slowly, Polnareff sat up. “Got… me?” he uttered, drawing out the words as if he were speaking for the first time. “What do you...” The gears turned in his head and he gasped. “Joke?”

“Yes. I was joking,” Avdol said. He began to approach Polnareff. “I got you. But now...” He wrapped his arms around him and guided him onto his feet. “… I've got you.”

Polnareff didn't know whether to laugh or cry, so he did both. “You son of a bitch. Damn you...” His buried his face in Avdol's robes, tears seeping into the fabric. Then, Polnareff lifted his head, his puffy eyes finally meeting Avdol's gaze. “Just… don't fool me like that anymore… please?” he begged in a whisper.

Avdol dipped his head. “That was an insensitive thing for me to have done, considering what I put you through before. I am sorry, Polnareff. It will not happen again.”

Polnareff was shaken both by the sincerity of his tone and by how easy it had been to get an apology out of him. He had accused Avdol of being childish, and yet the degree of maturity he showed was foreign to Polnareff. “I really ought to punch you again.”

“Go ahead, if you like. I deserve it.”

But Polnareff didn't punch him. He couldn't run the risk of spoiling this moment—a moment he never believed would actually come. He exhaled deeply and put his arms over Avdol's, merging their silhouettes. “This is… this is real?”

“You heard me. I said I was done making jokes.”

Avdol's embrace was warm. It was distinct from the hot desert air that lingered in the hotel room, just as the warmth of sitting around a campfire with friends was distinct from the heat of the flames themselves. The warmth was imbued with the essence of their journey—or at least the subtler moments; the brief lapses of time when they knew they were safe from enemy Stands. Such security was growing increasingly scarce as they drew nearer to their destination, and Polnareff knew he wouldn't feel this safe again until their journey had reached its end.

Polnareff held him tighter, sinking deep into his robes. Even beneath the heavy cloth, Polnareff could feel Avdol's pulse. The steady beat of life through his body caused the realization to sink in all over again. He was alive! He was alive, and he was right there with him, cradled in his arms. Polnareff didn't want to let go; he wanted to stay close to his friend's heart and never lose track of its rhythm. That way, he'd always be able to know that Avdol was alive.

Avdol massaged Polnareff's back, sweeping his palm over the contours of his muscles. Polnareff moved his hand to the back of Avdol's head and weaved his fingers between his columns of hair. Their eyes met again and they regarded each other, familiarizing themselves with the other's features in a new, intimate way. Polnareff was drawn closer by the amiable warmth of Avdol's amber gaze. His eyelids fluttered shut and he curved his lips, and he could feel Avdol's heart surge as he planted them on his cheek.

“You've never been this quiet before,” Avdol whispered, “which is good. Now would not be a good time to anger Jotaro. Could you imagine if he made Star Platinum bust in at a time like this?”

Once the words had sunk in, Polnareff gritted his teeth. With his mouth still pressed against Avdol's face, he muttered, “Don't even… God, would you j-just… shut the fuck up?”

“You'll have to make me.”

Polnareff tried his best not to smile, but he couldn't hide it. He tipped Avdol's head, joining his lips with his own. Both sets had been chapped by the desert sun, and their worn surfaces came together like a jigsaw. They held, sharing breaths.

Gradually, Polnareff became aware of another sensation. It was not at all like Avdol's gentle touch or the warmth of his body heat—it was coarse and itchy, and it seemed to spread across his entire body. It scattered upon his skin and into the folds of his clothes, and even worked its way down his throat and into his lungs. Suddenly, Polnareff was gasping for breath. He tried to speak, but instead erupted into a fit of coughing. Polnareff looked to Avdol for help. He was choking as well. Their immersion was shattered, and just like that, the moment that felt like it would go on forever had come to an end. Polnareff and Avdol were sent hurtling back to reality. They let go of each other, ready to fight for their lives.

Polnareff drew a breath, even though he knew it was futile. The air flowed in. It stayed in his chest for a second, and then it flowed out. Cautiously, he took another breath. He inhaled. He exhaled. Nothing stifled the flow. Then, he noticed that the grittiness had subsided as well. It was over so fast that if Avdol hadn't been struck by the same thing, Polnareff would've thought he had hallucinated it. The two of them exchanged bewildered looks.

“You felt that, right?” Polnareff asked.

“I did.”

“So, it really happened? I didn't just imagine it?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, then. Good to know we're on the same page.” Polnareff inhaled sharply, his composure crumbling. “What the ever-loving fuck was that?”

“Normally, I'd suspect that we were under attack by an enemy Stand. However… you might not agree with me on this, but in this case, I'd hesitate to say it was the work of an enemy Stand.”

“What's that supposed t—” At once, he remembered Iggy. The dog was still sitting in the corner, looking particularly smug. The Fool had all but vanished, leaving only a trace of colored sand behind. “You… you've gotta be kidding me!”

“Well,” Avdol said nonchalantly, “that makes us even, I suppose.”

“Iggy!” Polnareff wailed. “Gah! How did I forget he was here? I'm gonna strangle him, I swear. That damn mutt… he was watching us this whole time! Thank God his stupid animal brain wouldn't be able to comprehend any of what he just saw.”

Iggy laid his ears back and snarled.

“I wouldn't say that,” advised Avdol. “Are you trying to suggest he didn't know what he was doing? Iggy knew exactly what he was doing. He has the capacity to utilize a Stand. I can't imagine that basic displays of affection are beyond his realm of understanding.”

“Shit, you're probably right,” Polnareff cursed. “In that case, I'm glad he can't talk, at least.”

“Among us, Iggy is truly the best at keeping secrets. Not that he has a choice.” Avdol bent down and reached out to pat Iggy on the head, but the little dog stubbornly avoided him. He shrugged and brought his gaze back to Polnareff. “And you, Polnareff… you are, by far, the worst.”

Polnareff stifled a laugh. “Yeah… yeah, you're right. You win, Avdol.”

“That is not a bad thing, though. Not all of the time,” Avdol said. “When your secrets take the form of desires, there is nothing holding you back from pursuing them. Your drive is astonishingly strong. The way you assert yourself allows you to turn your dreams into realities.” He paused. “Me… I could never be so upfront with my feelings. If it had been up to me to make the first move, well… I wouldn't have. My feelings would have remained bottled up.

“When I call upon the cards to reveal one's fate, I am merely reading what has been foretold. It is beyond my ability to alter their fates. The same is true of my own destiny. I walk through life without my own sense of direction, guided only by happenstance. I am a man without resolve.” Avdol took a deep breath, and then resumed. “The cards are not infallible. Some happenings evade the lens of prognostication. Polnareff, I said you were predictable. That is not entirely true. Ever since we met, you have managed to surprise me on a regular basis. When my Magician's Red collided with your Silver Chariot and I got my first sense of who you are… I never would have guessed that our fates would intertwine in this manner.”

If there was one thing Polnareff had trouble expressing, it was his own flaws. Avdol's confession had been spellbinding, and somehow, Polnareff was swayed into following up with a confession of his own. He contemplated for a long moment, which was something he didn't do very often. There was a reason he didn't let himself get lost in thought, and it wasn't because he lacked the capacity.

He thought about all the things that had happened, and how seamlessly everything had fallen into place. He traced the events back to his original inhibitions, recalling that he didn't think his feelings were mutual. It made him realize that nothing made any sense. The feelings shouldn't have been mutual. Everything should have gone wrong. What the hell was Avdol thinking? Polnareff tried to consider Avdol's perspective, but the man's reasoning eluded him. He was forced to confront him.

“I don't get it,” he said. “What would someone like you want with a guy like me? I'm just a burden on everyone. Can't even get myself to save a single person.” His delivery was labored with both reluctance and guilt. Admitting his mistakes aloud wasn't liberating or cathartic. It only made them feel more real to Polnareff. He kept those memories hidden in the back of his mind, and there was usually too much going on for him to be able to think about them for long. Now, they had been dragged out into the center of his brain, and he was left to face all the things he had ever done wrong.

Something wasn't right. The mood had dropped instantly, and Avdol was left clinging to the tattered remains of the moment. Had Polnareff been upset by something he'd said? The taste of his words still lingered on his tongue and he chewed on it, trying to figure out where he had gone wrong. He got nowhere and focused on consoling Polnareff instead.

“Fate is unkind to you. Do not put the blame on yourself,” he said. “It would be unfair for me to judge your character based on the circumstance of luck. Rather, your worth lies in your potential. I can see that you want to save people. You want that more than anything. If you had a way to overcome fate, you would see to it that none of the people you care about are wronged in any way. Since you do not, you seek justice. It was your desire for vengeance that compelled you to embark on this journey. Some may question the morality of revenge, but to me, it is a noble cause. Even when fortune does not fall in your favor and you are unable to save your loved ones' lives, you concern yourself with saving their dignity.”

“Sherry…” Polnareff mumbled. “I didn't save her dignity.” His entire demeanor had transformed. The color had drained from his face and his features had hardened. Only his eyes, which were moist and unfocused, remained soft. He had put up a wall, but that wasn't his nature. It wouldn't take much for his facade to be knocked down.

Avdol hesitated. He knew Polnareff's sister was a sensitive topic, so he would have to tread carefully. “I would say you did. I was told you dealt the final blow to her murderer. Now, she rests in peace.”

“But… on the island…”

“That was not your sister. You know that. Sherry is in heaven and has no connection to the effigy that rose from hell. She was watching over you—I'm sure of it—and she understands. You did not seek to tarnish her image. In fact, I am certain she saw it for what it was: a testament to how much you loved her. When you fell for that Stand's trickery, you put aside your own wants and tried to wish her back to life. You have told me little of your relationship with Sherry, but that alone speaks volumes about how good of a brother you were to her.”

“Av… dol…” Polnareff's tears were flowing again. In spite of this, he remained stoic. His expression was unreadable.

He couldn't tell if he had comforted Polnareff, or if he had made things worse. Why couldn't he tell? He needed to steer away from that topic. Avdol backpedaled, simultaneously pushing the narrative forward. “And then, you wished for my return. I did not doubt that you would try to bring back your sister. However, this was something I did not see coming. Up until then, I didn't think you had any respect for me. During our final confrontation, you showed me nothing but contempt. This revelation opened my eyes.”

Polnareff shook his head. “I thought it was my fault that you died, and I was trying to make up for it. It was that vengeance thing. That's all.”

“Are you sure that was all?” His tone was quizzical, and Avdol regretted it instantly. It wasn't like him to blurt things out like that, but he was on edge and he couldn't think straight. Humor wouldn't lighten the mood; most of the time, Polnareff didn't like his jokes.

Polnareff sat down and put his head in his hands. “You know what? I don't even know. I don't know what I'm doing right now, or what I just did. All of this… it's a lot to take in.”

Avdol couldn't keep up. “I understand,” he said, even though he didn't.

“No, I don't think you do. Or maybe it's that you understand too much. I can't make sense of this stuff. Maybe you can, but me? I don't know what the hell's going on.”

Avdol winced. Had he come off as patronizing? He relayed another empty sentence. “I will admit that this was all very sudden.”

Polnareff sighed. “No… no, it's true. What am I saying? Words keep coming out, but they're not the ones I want. Maybe I should just stop talking before I really screw up. But there's one more thing I have to say.” He lifted his head. “It's true. Avdol… I… I love you.”

Avdol studied him, making sure he truly meant what he had said. He did. Every part of his countenance was instilled with sincerity. It was not a superficial type of sincerity, like a mask; Polnareff was capable of no such thing. Rather, this sincerity blossomed from inside of him and spread across his visage, weaving its way into each of his features—the gleam of trust in his eyes, his flushed cheeks, the beads of perspiration on his forehead, and the shape of his lips after those words had fallen out. Even after all the careless things Avdol had said, Polnareff's feelings hadn't changed.

Avdol didn't recite the words back to Polnareff. He moved. He hugged him. It was a quick, simple gesture, and yet it conveyed more than anything he could have said aloud. That gesture hadn't failed him before, and it didn't fail him again. The same couldn't be said of Avdol's voice. He had a thorough manner of speaking, but sometimes he spoke for too long and his points were obscured by his myriads of words. Other times, Polnareff was too dense and Avdol's sense of humor was lost on him. In this occasion, there was no better way for him to reciprocate the thought and ensure that his intentions were clear. The words were silent, but Polnareff heard them: I love you, too. Everything will be all right.

The two of them had been caught up in a kind of dance—a back and forth sashay between movements and talk. Neither of them had ever danced before, though. The rhythm of emotion guided them along, but they moved to the music in different ways. They tried to match each other's steps, but their footwork was sloppy. The dance went on nevertheless. As the curtains began to draw, they moved in synch. They owned it.

They were dancing the same dance, and speaking the same language—a language of compromise; of actions and words. Everything was clear.

Avdol caressed Polnareff's cheeks, wiping away his tears. Polnareff sighed, a smile slowly returning to his face. He felt safe again. His thoughts settled and retreated to the recesses of his mind. Avdol's warmth was numbing, and Polnareff could think of nothing but how close he was to him.

This time, Iggy couldn't bring himself to intervene—or, more likely, he just couldn't be bothered to get up again. Having grown bored with the two, he went back to sleep. Neither Avdol not Polnareff seemed to mind when he started snoring; they were caught up in something much more important.

After they let go, they sat for a while. Nothing else needed to be said, at least for now. They were happy just to be in each other's company. With Iggy snoring, the room was far from silent—but it was probably as quiet as it would ever get, so they savored it.

At last, Avdol spoke. “Polnareff, are you hungry?”

“Eh?”

“Look at the time,” said Avdol. “They'll start serving breakfast soon.”

Polnareff checked the clock and almost gasped out loud. It was almost 6:30. How had more than an hour gone by already? He shrugged to himself, accepting it. As much as Polnareff would have liked to idle in the moment, he couldn't ignore his hunger. “Hell yeah, I'm starving. I wonder what they cooked up. Whatever it is, I bet it can't hold a candle to the food from my homeland. When it comes to cooking, no one beats the French!”

There was a twinkle in Avdol's eye. “You've never tried a full Egyptian breakfast. Flat bread with bean dip, eggs, fresh fruit and vegetables, tea, pastries sweetened with rosewater…”

“That's nothing.” Polnareff waved him off. “Hey, listen. When all of this is over, you've gotta come with me to France. The food will blow your mind.”

Avdol nodded. “Yes. I'd like that.”

“Très bien!”

This was only the beginning, Polnareff realized. Thinking about what the future held filled him with renewed energy. Now, he had something else to fight for, and he was ready to keep fighting and keep bringing that future closer.

Of course, he couldn't do any of that on an empty stomach.

“Whatever, though. At this point, I'd eat pretty much anything. C'mon, let's get ready.” Polnareff paused when he passed by Iggy. He turned to Avdol. “Should we wake him up? I bet he's hungry, too.”

“I think we've learned our lesson,” Avdol said. “Let sleeping dogs lie.”

They both laughed.

As they walked down the hall, Polnareff couldn't contain his excitement. “There's this place a few blocks from where I live… they make the best sole meunière in the world. The fish is so fresh, and it just falls apart in your mouth. You always order seafood, so I know you'd love it.

“France has a really rich history, too. The pyramids are cool and all, but they're a little too dusty and old for my liking. Everybody's gotta see the Eiffel Tower before they die. It's a marvel of architecture! Oh, and I've got to get you to the Louvre, too. We've got a pyramid of our own there, but it's made of glass instead of sand. Did you know that, Avdol?”

As Polnareff prattled on, Avdol couldn't help but smile. It was hard for him to follow the way he jumped from one thought to the next, but Polnareff's zeal made for easy listening nonetheless. Most of all, Avdol was just happy to see him rebound from his despair.

Polnareff stopped to catch his breath. He could tell Avdol was only sort of paying attention to him. That was fair, he thought—he didn't always listen to Avdol, either. He smiled back at him, even though he was pretty sure he wasn't looking.

Eventually, Polnareff realized that he had found refuge at last. He had found it inside of a hotel, but it had nothing to do with the hotel itself. It turned out that he'd been looking in all the wrong places. He knew exactly where to look now. Refuge didn't have to be bound to a shelter. Sometimes, it took the form of a person—and Polnareff was lucky enough to have that person standing next to him.

As long as Avdol was by his side, he would always feel safe.

[anothergirlrecovering]

Lynn 30

I started my session by telling her a little bit about my week and how it really hadn’t been so bad. I explained that I hadn’t cried for no reason, but that I had cried twice one fighting with my husband and once in reference to one of my clients. I explained the situation with my little kid and she agreed that it was heartbreaking. She pointed out that the situation makes me feel helpless because I can’t help the kid feel safe and can’t guarantee his safety and how uncomfortable that helpless feeling is for me. I told her about my coworker drunk texting me and how poorly she was coping with it all. She asked me her age and if she’s a newer therapist, which she is although she’s older than me. I told her that things with my mom were fine and we hadn’t really talked. I told her about how things with my job we're pretty good in that most of my clients were doing well and how I had gotten a text from an old client explaining how well things were still going and how grateful they were to have had their time with me and she was like on isn't it so nice when that happens.

I told her the biggest issue this week has been the fighting between my husband and I. I told her about the things he had said, and asked if I was crazy for thinking it wasn’t ok for him to say those things. She laughed and asked what I thought she would say. I explained that I knew she would say it was an OK but that’s been a hard time with it because he makes it out to be my fault and that I caused him to be mad even though I know I can cause him to get mad but I don’t cause his actions because of it.i explained that his big issue with me is my tone of voice. I explained the situation the day before where he honked the horn at me and I jumped and got stressed out and then he held the mail away from me so I couldn’t get my mail from him and I used the tone of voice he doesn’t like to tell him to give it back. She said she wouldn’t have seen the issue with my tone, but if we were both her clients she would tell me to work in it because it’s clearly triggering him. She questioned if it triggers a tone of voice his mom or dad used or something but idk. She said if he was her client she would also call him on his bullshit and say how he’s acting like a five year old by doing the whole she made me mad crap. She pointed out that just like tone of voice is triggering for him, teasing is a trigger for em. She laughed and said I’m not the type of client she would think to pull a joke on because I’m sensitive and it makes me feel bad. She pointed out that that’s okay, and I started to tear up. She said she thinks we trigger each other, but that it’s a big huge excuse to bring everything back to the past with the ed. She pointed out that I’ve done my fifty percent in working on useless and he needs to do the same. I explained that it’s hard for me because he’s good at making it feel like it’s all my fault and that if I was different he would be different. I explained how he had said that out of the both of us, I am the only one who has hit him. I explained how when he exerts his power and hold me down against my well, yeah I will slap or pinch him, but it's not like I've ever punched him in the face or slapped him in the face or done anything to actually hurt him.

We ended up talking a bit about divorce and what would be my breaking point. I said I honestly didn’t have one. She asked if it turned physical and I said even then I wouldn’t. She asked what I’d say to a client and I explained I knew the right answer was that you don’t advocate someone stay in an unsafe environment but that i would steal deal with it. She asked what that’s about and I explained that it honestly has a lot to do with shame and feeling that it would feel like I failed and others would all know it’s my fault and judge me. She asked if I would stay if there was a kid and I said no because that wouldn’t be fair for the kid, so I guess that’s part of why we don’t have kids yet. She encouraged me to think about where those divorce ideas come from, and basically said that fifty percent of marriages don’t work out and no one goes into a marriage thinking they’ll get divorced but sometimes further down the line it happens and the more I work with older adults the more I’ll see how common and accepted it is in the older age range. She explained that she would've called his side of the fight verbal abuse and she had asked at what point do I say it's not OK for me to put up with that and where do I draw the line and say, you need to work on these issues and if not I'm not going to stay. I explained that at this point I really don’t want a divorce because I do really love him. When things are good they’re good. He’s still my best friend and when we connect I love being with him. I told her about my friend who wants a divorce but has a kid and asked what I’d do, and how I said I didn’t know because even though things are hard, I don’t want to not be married to him. I explained a lot of his childhood, and explained that I feel bad because I know he has extensive trauma and that my tone of voice for whatever reason is triggering. I asked how to work on the tone of voice and she said mindfulness. I laughed and said she would say mindfulness. She said I’m prob aware of how I feel before I use the tone, and I explained that it’s frustration. I explained how I had snapped when I thought he was talking to me about spending $160 on tickets to a game and she said she thinks it makes sense that within context I would have an irritated tone of voice when in irritated. I explained that it almost feels like I’m not allowed to feel mad about anything. She asked what I could do about the frustration and I said step out of the room or tell him I’m frustrated and not to talk to me for a bit.

She presented the idea that my husband is actually really anxious, which I commented and said regarding attachment issues. She pointed out how he freaks out when he thinks I’m taken or don’t come home or whatever. She thinks he’s anxious and afraid of losing me and the idea of waiting until there’s a vulnerable moment to present to him some compassion for how hard it is walking around with so much insecurity and feeling unloved and that there are ways like with EMDR that he won’t have to feel that way. Which makes sense because I do love him and want him to feel better. I told her about how there was another time she told me to do something and when I did it he asked if my therapist had told me to say it and Lynn laughed and pointed out how it’s hard to be your own therapist and apply everything you know to real life. She pointed out that she’s used the compassion strategy with her husband and it’s been somewhat helpful but only after his parents died. I said maybe his parents dying would be something he would get uncomfortable to the point of wanting to get help. That or kids it he’s fine putting off kids for a while. She asked me about how a kid would feel hearing our fights and how it would affect them and bla bla bla about why sometimes divorce is better than sticking it out with kids.

Weirdly enough, I realized that the roles have changed. I used to be the one freaking out and losing my mind and coping poorly in fights, and now he is. I couldn’t help but think of the concept of homeostasis. She pointed out that given his history, chaos may feel normal and me not reacting may make him more anxious because it feels like I don’t care or he’s losing me. I explained that it really bothered me that yesterday in our fight he started getting dressed and I knew he was trying to leave and that in the past I used to freak out and beg him to stay and try to work through it and in that moment I didn’t even get upset in my head, I just thought if he’s going to leave he’s going to leave. Thinking that way really scared me because I’ve never thought like that and I don’t want to be nonchalant about it but I also don’t want to have a breakdown and become self destructive to make him stay. She pointed out that if he wanted to leave he would have left long ago when I was sick and lying and manipulative. She said she could be way off base but thinks he’s afraid of losing me and maybe part of the anxiety is seeing that I’ve worked through so much stuff and have become so much more independent that I could leave. She explained that she has a friend who likes to say that she chooses to be with her husband, which helps her to feel like it’s a choice and she isn’t trapped or stuck. She said that resonated with her, but honestly it didn’t really with me. Maybe it’s because I grew up with such conservative values.

We talked about ways to engage him in therapy. I suggested maybe I’d be able to convince him to go to process me having been sick since he acknowledges that it was traumatic for him. She agreed and said that’s a great idea because a good therapist will recognize so many things that come from before me. We talked about couples therapy, and that a therapist might help him see the benefit in his own individual therapy. She suggested bringing up couples therapy to have someone objective help figure out the disconnect since we see things so differently. I said I might look into it.

She empathized and said she was sorry that I’m having such a hard time with this. She said marriage is hard, and she feels for my husband and hopes he’s able to get some help. I agreed.

We scheduled for next time, and I paid and explained my new insurance information. She said I may be able to use eap sessions and then my HRA which would be nice because I wouldn’t have to pay for therapy for like two and a half months.

[dimensiontripperhibiki]

Let It Burn (30/?)

Next chapter of LIB guys! Thanks for all of the comments, reblogs etc. As I mentioned, this is a bit of a longer chapter so I hope you enjoy.  Warning(s): Swearing, violence, suggested sexual scenes.  “I think it’s almost time.” Nico said quietly as she glanced over at Hanayo. The younger girl was sitting right next to her, suddenly looking very anxious. “I don’t want you to go again.” Hanayo curled her arm around Nico’s and pressed close to her as if she could keep her there by doing so. “I don’t want you to come back hurt.” “Better than not coming back at all.” Nico quipped though it only made Hanayo clutch her tighter, even more worried than before. “I’m sorry. I’m going to be fine. Look…” She paused, waiting for Hanayo to stop huddling against her arm and furtively look up at her. “Whatever tests these bastards are doing on me, they’re buying us time. If they didn’t need us alive we’d be dead by now.” “They haven’t done anything to me yet.” Hanayo said in a small voice.

“Because they know I’d kill them if they touched any of my friends.” Nico lied, forcing a smile. She knew that the only reason Hanayo was still alive was because she’d made it clear that if Hanayo had died she would find a way to do the same. It wasn’t as though she cared all that much about her own life but they needed her alive, at least temporarily while they tested her. “It’s a good thing.”

Hanayo shook her head. “They hurt you.” She said, her eyes brimming with tears again. “I hate seeing Nico-chan hurt. It’s not right.” “I know, believe me I know…” Nico smiled and placed her hand on Hanayo’s head. Her knuckles were bruised and cut from where she’d tried to fight back against the guards who’d fought her. She had to fight back, she had been told, to see how much she could endure. “I can take it. If it means getting you out of here, I can take a few beatings.” Just as she said that the door opened and a guard stepped into the room. Hanayo threw her arms around Nico who winced in pain. She wasn’t even sure what hurt anymore, just that everywhere seemed to throb in different ways. “Please come back.” Hanayo pleaded desperately. “I can’t do this without you.” “Can we get a move on?” The guard who’d come to get Nico asked impatiently. “We don’t have all day.” “Don’t worry.” Nico painstakingly returned the hug to reassure the first year. “I will come back. I’m not leaving without you.” “You’re not leaving at all.” The guard, growing quickly impatient strode over and grabbed Nico’s arm, dragging her off the bed. She let out a yelp despite herself as his hands closed around her bicep. There was a long gash there, she knew, stretching from her shoulder almost down to her elbow. “NICO-CHAN!” Hanayo cried out, moving to get off the bed. The guard easily shoved her back down with his free hand.   “It’s fine, Hanayo.” Nico winced, doing her utmost to resist the urge to fight back against the guard. “Just stay here and don’t cause any trouble. I’ll be back soon.” “Maybe you’re smarter than I thought.” The guard said condescendingly. Nico glanced back at Hanayo as the guard dragged her from the room, finding worried eyes staring back at her. A moment later she was being pulled down the corridor by the guard holding onto her. She didn’t fight against it, aware that doing so would be pointless. She didn’t have the strength to fight them anymore. The only thing she’d really had going for her was her ability and she didn’t even have that now. “I’m told you’re trying something a bit different today.” The guard said as they turned a corner. “I’m going to stay and watch it you don’t mind.” Nico looked up, frowning at the lecherous grin on the man’s face. “What?” “You’ll see.” The guard stopped in front of a door and drew it open, shoving Nico roughly inside. “I’ll be watching.” “Wha…?” Nico turned around only for the door to be shut in her face. “Damn it!” “Nico!” Nico froze at the sound of her name. Slowly, she turned around and as she’d expected found a blonde standing across the room from her, clad in a gown similar to the one she was wearing. “You…” "Ciao Bella! We haven't been in the same room in two days...hmm you seem down, Shining Nico." “ENOUGH with the random English and Italian, you’re so ANNOYING!” Nico exclaimed loudly, her fists clenched at her sides. “It’s bad enough that I’m in this place, it’s worse that I always get stuck with you!” The blonde gave a short laugh. “I’m not You, Nico. I told you my name already, remember? You forgot?!” Nico growled under her breath. “Fine. Mari. Are you happy now?!” Mari shook her head in response. “I’ve been thinking about escaping. I told you last time, remember?” “How could I forget. My head still hurts from all of the talking you were doing.” Nico said with a roll of her eyes. “You’re not going to talk about it today, are you?” Mari was unfazed by Nico’s retort. “Well I was thinking of helping you and your girlfriend get out too.” “W-Wha…?” Nico’s eyes widened in surprise. “S-She’s not…” “Just joking!” Mari said brightly, earning herself a yell of frustration from Nico. “Really though, we do have to escape. I have a plan but…” “Ohara-san, please remember why you’re here.” A new, male voice chimed in over some kind of intercom. “Let’s begin.” “Yeah, yeah. Sorry in advance, Nico.” “Wha-” Nico barely had time to realize that Mari was rushing toward her before she was knocked off her feet. She hit the ground with Mari on top of her and the wind rushed from her lungs in a strangled gasp. “M-Mari!” “Just go with it.” Mari muttered, landing a somewhat light blow to Nico’s ribs. “They want us to fight so we have to look like we’re doing this properly!” “Fine!” Nico locked her legs around Mari’s and with a force of strength, reversed their positions. Smirking in victory, she raised her hand and tried to bring it down only to find it wouldn’t move. “Eh?!” “I’m sorry.” Mari narrowed her eyes at Nico, thinking about forcing her to stand up. “HEY!” Nico yelped as she found herself standing up, not of her own accord. It was like she wasn’t in control of her limbs anymore. “This is so freaking unfair!” “Just shut up and follow my lead.” Mari got to her feet and walked toward Nico. Behind the glass across the room she could see the guard, watching them intently. She planted her hand on Nico’s shoulder and pushed her back against the glass, leaning close to her face. “Trust me.” Nico swallowed thickly, her eyes wide as she nodded her agreement. Mari’s lips turned up briefly at Nico’s agreement before her gaze shifted over her shoulder to the guard. Their eyes locked through the glass and she focused intently on his hand, forcing it to reach down and grasp his gun. “Now Bella, watch and be amazed.” Mari let go of Nico’s shoulder, allowing her to turn her head slightly more toward the glass. “Just watch this.” Nico shuddered at the breath against her ear but she didn’t have time to ponder on it before she heard gunshot followed by the sound of glass breaking. She felt a hand on her head, drawing her close and quickly realized that Mari had tried to shield her from the breaking glass. It hadn’t worked all that well as the glass still hit her. Another gunshot followed the first, then a loud thud, like a body hitting the floor. “Mari…” Mari let go of Nico and focused on the two doctors in the next room instead. It was never especially easy to control two people at once but she did it anyway, focusing intently. Nico watched in surprise as Mari forced the doctors against each other, one of them reaching for a knife that lay nearby. Next to her, Mari was imitating the attack, clearly controlling the two of them. She closed her hand into a fist and brought it down in a stabbing motion. Nico winced as the doctor with the knife easily stabbed the other doctor in the stomach before turning the knife on himself. “Mari…” Nico watched in horror as Mari seemed to buckle. “Controlling two people and...more than one body part takes it out of me.” Mari straightened up, flashing a bright grin. “No, I mean…” Nico motioned toward the three bodies in the next room. “I have people I love too, Nico. People I need to get back to.” Mari’s voice was serious one moment but the next she was grabbing Nico’s hand, seemingly back to her usual self. “Now Bella let’s go and save your girlfriend and get running toward the shining light of freedom!” “You can’t be serious for more than a minute can you?!” Nico asked angrily. “It’s a joke!” Nico growled under her breath. There was something about this girl that reminded her undeniably of Nozomi. It both made her chest ache and comforted her at the same time. “Damn it, let’s just go!”

--- Kotori stayed three paces behind Umi, Honoka and Eli as they walked. She had tried to keep up with them originally but having to listen to how the three of them were together was just annoying. Neither Eli nor Umi made any kind of secret of their feelings for Honoka. Not to her, each other or anyone else. Honoka on the other hand, accepted the affection from both of them and returned it equally. Kotori wasn’t sure what was going on with the three of them but it unsettled her. She didn’t fit in anywhere at Honoka’s side now. Her place had been taken. She glared at Eli’s back as they walked. She was glad she didn’t have to listen to what the three were saying. It would have just annoyed her more. “Are you okay, Kotori-chan?” Finally those blue eyes that always seemed to make her heart skip a beat focused on her as Honoka looked over her shoulder. “Do you want to take a break?” “No, we’re almost there. I’m…” “Yikes, look out!” “HONOKA!” Umi grabbed Honoka and pulled her toward her, stumbling back a few steps herself. Eli glanced up, her eyes widening when she spotted what Umi had. Remembering Maki’s words from the previous day she went up in flames and hurried toward Kotor, positioning herself in front of her. The telephone pole hit the ground a few feets from them, sending glass and debris flying everywhere. Shielding Kotori with her body and her face with her arms, Eli focused on keeping her flames alight while Umi swept Honoka up into her arms and turned away from the impact, shielding her as best she could. “CHIKA-CHAN, WHY DID YOU THROW THAT?!” “Uh...it seemed like a good idea. Sorry, Riko-chan!” Another girl laughed in response. “Hopefully Kanan-chan can see in the dark!” “You-chan, it’s not funny! More guards are going to come because of Chika-chan being reckless!” Riko barked. “Chika-chan, I didn’t say you could use You-chan’s ability so you could do that!” “Well you wouldn’t let me use yours and Kanan-chan wouldn’t let me use hers even though it’s so much cooler…” Chika complained miserably. “I didn’t mean to hurt anyone! I-I just want to save Mari-chan...” “So much for sneaking in…” Umi muttered, gently placing Honoka back down on her feet. She turned to confront the newcomers but Eli was already storming toward them. “Eli, be careful!” “Umi-chan!” Honoka exclaimed as Umi rushed off after Eli. She grabbed Kotori’s hand and followed too. “At least put yourself out first!” Umi hissed though Eli paid no attention to her. “Eli!” “Who the hell are you people and why are you throwing poles around?!” Eli demanded, coming to a stop in front of Chika. Almost immediately the other two were in front of their friend, sizing her up. Eli blinked in surprise. There was three of the redhead. “You!” She pointed toward Chika whose eyes widened in alarm. “What the he...ow!” Her wrist was suddenly grabbed by an irate looking You who growled under her breath. “OW, OW, OW!” “You-chan!” Chika cried out. “Ah, sorry!” You let go of Eli’s wrist, her own hand slightly burnt. Fortunately it seemed Eli had the presence of mind to rid herself of flames as soon as You had touched her. “Sorry, I guess I got a bit rough. J-Just don’t point at Chika-chan!” “Well don’t hurt Eli-senpai!” Honoka was suddenly right next to Eli, taking her hand into her own and carefully looking over her wrist. Chika gasped at the sight of Honoka and nudged You and Riko out of the way. “Honoka-onee-chan!” “Eh?” Honoka did a double take. Chika smiled broadly, unfazed by Honoka’s confusion. “It’s me. Chika!” “Ah, Chi-chan!” Honoka exclaimed in realization. “Of course!” Chika charged forward, hugging Honoka tightly. “It’s been so long, I missed you so much!” Umi grimaced as she stepped toward Eli. “So what are you all doing here? And what were you saying about guards before?” Riko, the girl who had created two clones of herself, spoke up. “We’re looking for our senpai, Mari-chan. Our other senpai, Kanan-chan, already went on ahead. That’s why um...a lot of the guards have already been taken down. She’s...in a hurry to get Mari-chan back.” “We’re looking for our friends too.” Eli said with a distasteful look toward Chika who was still somehow hanging on to Honoka. “We were hoping to be more subtle about it though. So...who are you again?” “I don’t think that’s going to be possible.” You said with a shrug of her shoulders. “Kanan sort of rushed in all guns blazing though I don’t think she set any ala-” She was cut off by the sound of an alarm suddenly blaring from the compound in front of them. “Ah, that was bad timing…” “Ya think?!” Eli growled irritably. “Do you even know how many guards are in there?” “Um...Dia-san says maybe a thousand?” You said, scratching her head. “I think she might be overreacting though. She does that…” “Well looks like we’re on the same team so it’s time to fire it up!” Chika exclaimed brightly. She clenched her hands into fists, focused intently and they went up in flames a moment later. “H-Hey!” Eli exclaimed, her eyes widening in surprise. “I thought you just threw that pole! How do you…” “I borrowed your ability.” Chika answered with a shrug of her shoulders. “Or...copied it. You still have it too. Thanks for this by the way, it’s really cool.” She held up her hands, examining the fire. “Blue flames. So cool…” “Don’t you have to ask someone’s permission before you take their ability?” Eli huffed. “Wait, does that mean you get to keep it?!” “I can only use four at a time.” Chika explained, still staring intently into the flames that surrounded her hand. “Right now I have Dia-san’s, Hanamura-chan’s, You-chan’s and yours...what was your name?” “Ayase Eli.” Eli answered gruffly. “I think I’ll just call you Gaki.” Honoka laughed nervously and rubbed Eli’s arm. “Be nice, Eli-senpai.” She glanced to Umi for support but Umi was glaring over at Chika too. “Ah...um, Kotori-chan!” “What?” Kotori asked, stepping forward. She was surprised when Honoka grabbed her hand tightly. “Nothing, I just want you to stay close to me is all.” Honoka answered with a shake of her head. She turned back to Chika and the other two, failing to notice Eli and Umi pouting. “So what do we do now? We’ve lo-” “Honoka!” Umi stepped toward Honoka, grabbing Eli’s hand on the way. “Look at the side of the building.” “Huh?” Honoka followed Umi’s wide eyed gaze to the side of the building, her heart leaping to her throat when she saw two girls skirting around. “W-What?!” “ARISA!” Eli yelled, taking a step forward. It was too late though as the girls had already disappeared inside. “What...what the hell do they think they’re doing?!” She turned quickly toward Honoka. “Is she out of her mind?!” “Wha…?” Honoka shook her head. “Yukiho? Why would you think it’s her idea?! She doesn’t do things like this, it’s...oh god, what if something happens to them?!” “Well stop arguing and let’s go!” Umi grabbed Honoka’s hand too and hurried off toward the building. “Damn it, they’re coming!” You exclaimed as the double doors at the front of the building flew open and guards flooded out. She raised both her fists above her head before bringing them down hard onto the ground beneath her feet, splitting the concrete. The impact knocked a few of the guards off their feet. “Riko-chan, take Chika-chan!” You exclaimed as she picked up a slab of concrete. With ease she threw it at some guards. “Go and get Mari-chan, I can handle these guys!” “N-No! You need help, You-chan! Riko-chan, stay here with her!” Chika flinched as the guards reached the gates and opened fire. Luckily You had managed to create a trench of sorts for herself. Riko, who had grabbed Chika and pushed her to a wall shook her head. “Are you crazy?! You think I could just abandon…” she tensed as she felt someone approach her from behind but upon looking over her shoulder there was nobody there. A moment later she felt Chika being wrenched away and quickly tried to grab her again. It was too late though as she was out of her grasp. Looking around, Riko couldn’t see her anywhere. “CHIKA-CHAN?!?!” Riko ducked, covering her head as a spray of bullets hit the wall she was hiding behind. “YOU-CHAN, I CAN’T FIND HER!” “Don’t worry!” You called back. “I think it’s just the quiet girl’s ability. Cloaking or something. I’m sure Chika-chan’s going to be fine. Now hurry up and clone yourself so you can help me!” Riko took a deep breath before she jumped out from behind the wall and sprinted to where You was. She slid to the ground in the makeshift trench next to her. “Do you think we can trust her with her?” She focused briefly on her ability, creating two clones of herself to focus the gunfire of the guards. “Chika-chan?” You asked apprehensively. She hoped so but she couldn’t say she was sure. “I think so. She doesn’t seem as hotheaded as the other two.” Riko reached for her knife at her belt and stood up, throwing it. She didn’t wait to see if it hit, dropping back down next to You instead. “That doesn’t make me feel much better…” “Have you noticed how all three of them like to be around Honoka-san?” You asked, grabbing another piece of road from behind her. Riko watched with her mouth slightly ajar as with little effort, You threw the large block of cement toward some guards. She was sure it didn’t matter how many times she watched You use her strength, she would never get used to seeing it. “You mean like me, you and Chika-chan?” Riko asked when You crouched back down next to her. “Theirs seems more...complicated.” You said thoughtfully. “You must have read about it in that trashy ma…” She trailed off as Riko looked at her innocently. “Ah, nevermind. It just seems complicated.” “And I thought our seniors were bad eno-” Riko was cut off, ducking back down next to You as the guards opened fire again.

--- “No, No...stop!” Honoka tossed and turned, distress evident on her face. “Stop it! Nozomi…” “I’m here, I’m right here.” Nozomi, holding tight to Honoka’s hand was near tears herself as she watched Honoka’s distress. Kneeling on the bed, her hand on Honoka’s forehead, Maki had her eyes closed, focusing intently. She’d even taken off the glasses Kotori had given her, something that had taken Nozomi by surprise. “Nozomi, I need you to calm her down.” Maki said through gritted teeth. “Tell her it’s just me.” Honoka whimpered again, louder this time. “Please…” “Nozomi!” Maki emphasised. “She knows it’s you, that’s the problem!” Nozomi snapped, angered by the fact that Honoka only seemed to be getting more upset. “I-I’m sorry, I just…” Maki opened her eyes, focusing on Nozomi for a moment. “Then take my hand and tell her you’re with me. Does she trust you?” Nozomi bit down on her lip in an attempt to stem her tears and nodded her head. She took the hand that was offered to her, keeping Honoka’s hand securely in her other. “Be ready.” Maki said, closing her eyes again. “Her barriers are lowering. I think I’m getting through. It’ll be disconcerting but I’ll be with you. Just stay calm and whatever happens don’t let go of our hands.” Nozomi nodded even though Maki couldn’t see her. “Just focus…” Maki whispered though she was clearly talking to herself rather than Nozomi. “Almost, almost…” Nozomi gasped as the room around her seemed to fade away. She wasn’t looking but everything about the area seemed different, from the temperature and the feeling of the air to the sounds from outside. There was no sound now and everything was completely still. She opened her eyes, finding herself in a dark room. There were images on the walls, all around her. To her, they looked like videos. She tried to move forward to get a closer look at one but she was stopped when Maki’s grip tightened to an almost painful degree.   “What…?” “Stay with me, don’t wander off!” Maki exclaimed loudly though when Nozomi tugged at her to walk forward again, she didn’t resist. Nozomi examined the wall in front of her closely, recognizing Eli in some of the videos. But not her Eli, a slightly older Eli, one who looked taller and more mature than her Eli. Her hair was down in most of the videos, she noticed, and in all of them she was with Future Honoka. She stepped closer to the screen, her gaze focused on Eli. Eli was staring at Honoka, her eyes soft and more full of love than Nozomi could ever remember seeing them. She watched as Future Honoka looked back and Eli quickly looked away only to be teasingly poked by an amused Future Honoka. Around them, she could hear their muffled laughter. “She really did love her…” Nozomi mused quietly. The screen changed quickly to another scene and she inhaled sharply as she saw her future self holding Honoka from behind, Eli in front. The three of them were in bed, innocently enough. “I’m sorry.” Honoka whimpered, pressing her forehead to Eli’s knuckles where she was clutching the blonde’s hand in front of her. “I’m so sorry, I keep…” “Don’t be an idiot.” Future Eli interrupted though her tone was soft. Adoring almost. “I don’t want to hear apologies from you. I never want to hear it, okay?” Future Honoka choked back a sob and Nozomi watched as Eli shuffled closer, soothingly stroking her hair. Honoka was too thin, she noticed immediately. Much too thin, and she was covered in bandages and scars. “It’s not your fault.” Future Eli said, her voice trembling. “Stop blaming yourself. It’s her fault and the second I find her, I…” She trailed off as Honoka seemed to only cry harder. “Damn it.” “How could she...why…?” Nozomi watched as Eli’s face contorted with grief and the blonde turned her eyes upwards as her own tears formed. “I don’t know…” “I want Kotori-chan.” Honoka pressed her face into Eli’s chest and sobbed quietly. “But I can’t...she’s mad at me b-because I can’t trust her like I used to. Before…” “You can stay with us.” Future Eli said, her voice thick with emotion. “For as long as you want to. We’ll be here for you.” Honoka shook her head. “Nozomi shouldn’t have to put up with…” “I’m not putting up with anything, especially you.” Honoka flinched at the sound of Future Nozomi’s voice but quickly relaxed when the comforting embrace from her friend tightened. “We do this because we love you.” “Nozomi…” Maki protested quietly though she fell silent when the image on the screen changed again. “Give me my damn lighter back, Honoka!” A taller, older version of Maki growled angrily as she reached out to grab something from Honoka’s hand. She cursed when Honoka laughed and flitted away. “Come on, just leave me with one!” “No smoking, Maki-chan.” Honoka said, her eyes sparkling with mirth. “It’s bad for you.” Future Maki, clad in a white lab coat, planted her hands on her hips. “You’re bad for me. If I wasn’t so stressed about you and Eli trying to get yourselves killed maybe I wouldn’t have to smoke!” Honoka’s smile slipped from her face. “Oh...I-I’m sorry.” Future Maki sighed and rubbed her temples. “No, it’s...I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like...oh fine, you can hang out in my office, just don’t touch anything you aren’t supposed to!” “Thank you, Maki-chan!” Honoka flopped down onto the couch. “You’re the best!” “Yeah, yeah.” Future Maki’s gaze lingered on Honoka for a moment before she walked toward the door. “I’m going to check in with Kotori, to see if she needs anything.” “Kotori.” Maki mumbled, inadvertently leaning close to the screen. She was sure she wasn’t dating anyone in the future, especially Kotori. The image on the screen changed again to Honoka and Kotori sitting close together. They were outside, on some kind of wooden swing that squeaked noisily whenever one of them shifted. Neither seemed to mind though. Kotori was pressed close to Honoka’s side, her head resting on the other girl’s shoulder while Honoka toyed with her hair. “Hey, Kotori-chan.” Honoka mumbled, her breath blowing up a few strands of Kotori’s hair. She waited until Kotori looked up at her, an inquisitive look in her soft eyes before she spoke again. “I was thinking about what we’re going to do...after this. I was thinking that maybe when this is all over and A-Rise are gone we could go away. Just the two of us.” Kotori’s brow furrowed in confusion. “You mean run away?” “Um...I suppose.” Honoka answered sheepishly. “Well...all I mean is that I want to get away from here. I want to just be with you. Forever if I can be. I just want...a normal life for the two of us. I want to start new. Just you and me. That’s why...” She paused for a moment, fishing something out of her pocket. “Well…” “Oh my god…” Maki muttered as Honoka brandished a small box. Nozomi too watched with bated breath. “Honoka-chan…” Kotori gasped, her hand flying to her mouth. “A-Are you…?” “Maybe.” Honoka gave a small smile as she opened the box to reveal two rings. “I don’t want to do it yet but I want to...promise that when this is over we’ll do it. Minami Kotori, there’s nobody I love more than you. There never could be. And I-I know you think I’m careless with my life but I’m not. Because...it’s not just mine to be careless with. It’s yours too.” She choked on emotion, falling silent for a moment. “Change it.” Maki muttered as she watched tears form in Kotori’s eyes too. “I can’t watch this, I can’t concentrate.” “I want to spend the rest of my life making you happy. I know it’s not worth much but I really do love you. If you feel the same, I…” Honoka was cut off by Kotori taking her face in her hands and kissing her deeply. “Change it, Nozomi. Please, I can’t…” Nozomi glanced toward Maki, finding her eyes awash with tears. She realized with a start that if the images had hurt her they would definitely have hurt Maki, having to watch the person she thought of as her girlfriend agree to marry someone else. “Yes.” Kotori answered on the screen. “Yes, of course I’ll…” Turning back to the screen, Nozomi took a deep breath. “Senpai…” The images on the screen changed immediately to Future Honoka and Nozomi on the ground, Honoka on top of Nozomi. “Senpai?!” Nozomi’s hands roamed over Honoka’s body. “Did they hit you? Were you shot?!” Future Honoka shook her head. “You’re worried about me, huh? You must really like me if you want to keep me alive this much.” “Idiot!” Nozomi’s voice was suddenly thick with emotion, her arms going around Honoka tightly. “Idiot, idiot, idiot! Why are you such a damn idiot?” Future Honoka gave a throaty chuckle. “Yeah…I love you too, Nozomi-chan.” “Idiot.” Nozomi muttered again, shaking her head. “I told you to stop hitting on me. Come on, get up. I’m taking you home. Or to a hospital. “To my hotel room.” Honoka elected. Feeling Nozomi’s grip loosen, she pushed herself to her feet. “No hospitals.” “Of course not. You’re too stubborn for one.” Nozomi quipped as she watched the older woman give her a goofy grin. “Damn straight, little lady!” Maki watched, quickly dashing tears from her eyes. “So she can smile like that.” She mumbled, glancing toward Nozomi whose gaze was fixed intently on the video playing out. The scene changed to a bedroom, Honoka and Nozomi staring each other down. Honoka looked angry and distressed while Nozomi looked like she was close to tears. “Well you’re not!” Honoka exclaimed loudly, her hands clenched at her sides. “Stop trying to help me. Stop thinking that just because you’re here I’ll tell you anything. This is all wrong. You’re not my Nozomi-chan and we don’t…there’s nothing between us, okay? I don’t need you, I’m only here to…” “You’re full of crap.” Nozomi’s voice shook with emotion. “You said it yourself, I’m your best friend. And you’re my…” “Nothing!” Honoka’s voice had grown progressively louder as she spoke. “I’m not anything to you! All you see me as is a fucked up version of your friend that you have to fix! Some kind of project like…” She was cut off as Nozomi strode forward and slapped her sharply. Her head jolted to the right. “Screw you.” Nozomi’s eyes were laced with tears as she spoke but she sounded mostly angry. “If I ever hear you say anything like that again I swear I’ll…” She trailed off, not entirely sure what she would do. “If you don’t know how much I care about you you’re an idiot.” She visibly softened as she watched Honoka’s features crumble with grief. “I hate seeing you hurting. I hate feeling how much you hurt.” “I hate all of this.” Honoka’s voice was thick with emotion. “I hate how messed up everything is. You and Eli, Kotori-chan…I hate that you’re not my Nozomi-chan. It doesn’t matter how close you think we are, you never will be. My friends were precious to me, they can’t just be replaced with…with…” “What?” Nozomi asked when Honoka trailed off. “Go on, you can say it. I don’t care how much you try to hurt me, I’m not going anywhere. I’m here with you and that’s where I’m staying. I love…mmph!” Her eyes widened as Honoka slapped a hand over her mouth, her eyes glinting dangerously. “Don’t say that to me. Don’t ever say that to me.” Future Honoka slowly let go of Nozomi, lowering her hands back to her side. “Why not? You’re my friend and I lo-” Honoka lurched forward, kissing Nozomi hard and the girl fell silent. Honoka didn’t pull away right away though, she held Nozomi close to her, feeling her respond hesitantly to the rough kiss. Their teeth clashed uncomfortably and Honoka took it upon herself to deepen the kiss, feeling Nozomi’s hands wander over her back. As she pressed closer, pushing her tongue past parted lips she heard a soft, almost indistinct moan from the third year. She quickly pulled away, startled by the sound. Nozomi bit down hard on her lower lip. It was odd watching it play out though she remembered exactly how it had made her feel. “C-Come on.” She said, shaken up. She turned away from the screen, still holding Maki’s hand. “Let’s go and find Senpai.” “Eli-senpai…” A breathy moan stopped Nozomi short as she tried to tug Maki away from the screen. There was no mistaking that was Honoka. Swallowing heavily, she turned back to the wall where two scenes were playing side by side. She recognized Honoka’s hotel room and the bed she’d slept in so many times. More than that she recognized the bare forms of both Honoka and Eli. “Oh no…” On the opposing side she watched as Future Honoka curiously approached a slightly ajar door, coming to a stop right outside it. Holding her breath, she looked inside, her eyes widening when she saw Eli on her knees, Nozomi crouched in front of her, her hands on her shoulders. It was clear the memory was from Honoka’s own time. “She told me…” Future Eli’s voice was barely understandable as she tried to speak through tears. “She told me she asked and...Kotori said yes. She…” She leaned forward then, her forehead resting on Nozomi’s knee. “I heard them anyway...she was saying they’re running away, they’re...she’s leaving me.” Future Nozomi gently shushed Eli, running her fingers through her distraught girlfriend’s hair. “It’s okay.” “It’s NOT OKAY!” Eli yelled between sobs, looking up at Nozomi. “How can it be okay when she’s...and...I’m telling YOU of all people.” Nozomi smiled softly. “I’m the only person you should tell. Just because you feel strongly for someone else doesn’t mean you love me any less.” Future Honoka backed away from the door, slowly for a few paces before she turned and ran away. “I don’t think she wanted us to hear that.” Maki muttered, having lowered her hands to watch what was going on. Thankfully what was happening on the other ‘screen’ seemed to be skipping ahead. Eli turned onto her side and wrapped her arms around Honoka, burying her face into her chest. “Honoka…” “Hmm?” Future Honoka mumbled, brushing her fingers gently through Eli’s hair. She waited for a moment until Eli looked up at her, tears shimmering in her bright blue eyes. “What…?” “Tell me…” Eli choked on the lump in her throat and had to pause for a moment before she continued. “Tell me you love me. If…if you do. Don’t lie.” Honoka’s chest ached. She felt like she would cry herself, at witnessing Eli’s pain. “I love you, Eli.” She reached down to brush Eli’s tears away with her fingers and gently kissed her lips. “I love you.” Maki glanced at Nozomi, finding her staring at the screen, biting down hard on her lip. “Hey.” She whispered, laying her hand on Nozomi’s arm. “Look, it’s...it seems kind of obvious that those two have a connection. They’re always going to fall for each other. This time it’s just happened early and our Honoka chose Umi so even if it doesn’t seem like Eli is available now she probably will be soon, right?” She watched Nozomi closely, hearing her exhale. “Unless it’s not just Eli you’re worried about?” “Of course it is.” Nozomi answered softly, her eyes on the screen. She watched what happened after. Eli leaving Future Honoka alone in her bed. “Have you seen the way she looks at her? I don’t know if she’s ever looked at me that way. Even my future self can see how they feel.” “Nozomi…” Maki protested meekly. “And maybe I don’t want to see my...Honoka’s future self being close to someone else. Does that make me selfish?” Nozomi huffed out a sigh. “Can we please just leave? I don’t want to watch this anymore.” “So...you were jealous of Honoka and Eli because they slept together?” Maki asked inquisitively. “What?! No! It’s not like that. I said I’m jealous of her being close to someone else, not that I want to...ugh, just forget it.” Nozomi argued, shaking her head. “Maki-chan, can we please just go and find her? I’m tired of arguing about this.” “No, stop! Don’t come near me!” The sound of Future Honoka’s voice echoed around the room and both Nozomi and Maki instinctively turned to see what was going on. On the screen, a video played, of Honoka being backed into a corner. As a guard grabbed her she put up a fight but it was clear that she was weak. She looked thinner and frailer than she should be, especially dressed in the flimsy hospital gown she was wearing. “I think we can’t leave.” Maki said quietly as she watched Future Honoka being pinned against the wall, her hands held behind her back as she struggled. She was injected with something and a moment later she stopped fighting, clearly too weak to do so. “I think we have to see this through.” “Lift it up.” Another guard, older than the first spoke as he approached with what looked to be a gun in his hand. Future Honoka grunted her disapproval as her gown was pushed up her back. “Time to tag you like the monster you are.” The older guard snarled as he stepped forward. “No…” Nozomi whispered, her grip on Maki’s hand tightening. “Maki-chan, what are they doing?!” Maki frowned at the screen. Honoka was clearly sweating, unable to move much. “I think they tranquilized her. It doesn’t work the same with ability users...” “What are they going to do?” Nozomi asked desperately, turning to clutch onto Maki’s arm with her other hand. “The guard has a needle gun o-or something, right?! What…?” The sound of a buzzing motor suddenly filled the room and Nozomi looked back in time to see the older guard approaching Honoka with the gun. “Wait…” Honoka screamed in pain as soon as the needle pierced through her skin. “Keep her still.” The older guard ordered sharply, triggering the other guard to grab Honoka by the nape of the neck, pushing her face against the wall. He pressed his front partially against her back to keep her pinned there, making it impossible for her to do anything else. Powerless to move, Honoka could only sob and scream into the wall, tears tracking their way down her cheeks as the tattoo was forced onto her skin. “Senpai.” Nozomi choked out, her hand clutching at her chest, over her heart. Tears were sliding down her own cheeks too and she couldn’t do anything to stop it. Maki looked away, blinking hurriedly. She couldn’t imagine their Honoka going through anything like that. “Nozomi, you don’t have to watch.” Nozomi shook her head. “I don’t care.” She answered gruffly as she watched the final digit being tattooed into Honoka’s back. “I want to watch everything.” Maki looked to Nozomi in surprise. She was about to point out that it might not be the best idea, both for Nozomi herself and for Honoka when the scene changed. She was silent as she watched Nozomi turn back to the ‘screen’ in front of her, the older girl giving a sharp intake of breath. “Maki-chan, don’t look.” Nozomi’s voice was so serious that Maki couldn’t have kept her eyes away from the screen even if she’d wanted to. She turned back to the screen but no warning from Nozomi could have prepared her for the sight of Kotori lying on the ground. “Honoka-ch…” Kotori couldn’t finish what she was saying as she choked on the blood in her throat. “H-H…” “It’s okay, Kotori-chan. You’re going to be fine.” Honoka desperately pushed up Kotori’s shirt to expose the bullet hole in her abdomen. Her hands visibly shook as she uncorked a vial and poured red liquid into the wound. “I-I don’t understand…” “H-Hono…” Kotori weakly reached for Honoka’s hand but it was clear that her blurred vision was making it impossible to grab it. Maki’s free hand went to her mouth, a choked sob tearing it’s way from her throat as she watched. Honoka tightly grabbed Kotori’s hand, her own eyes welling with tears. On the other screens, Maki could see the fight still going on. She could see Nico standing in front of her future self, guarding her with her body but her gaze was fixed mostly on Kotori. “Kotori.” Honoka’s voice was harsh but filled with emotion. “Don’t you dare die. If you do…” Kotori used her remaining strength to reach up and grip the collar of Honoka’s jacket, pulling her down. Their foreheads collided awkwardly but neither seemed to care. “I-I…” Kotori struggled to speak despite her throat being mostly clear of blood now. “I love you…and….Umi…tell…” She trailed off and turned her head, coughing up more blood, some of it hitting Honoka’s cheek. “Please. Don’t…” Future Honoka gripped Kotori’s hand around her collar as if trying to get her to hold on. The sound of footsteps echoed around them and Nozomi and Maki watched as Umi suddenly appeared on the screen, dropping to her knees next to Honoka and Kotori. “Umi…” The name left Kotori’s lips as a weak yet content sigh and Honoka’s eyes snapped open.

“I’m right here.” Umi’s voice was choked as though she was near tears herself. She placed her hand gently on top of Kotori’s head as Honoka was desperately gripping her hands. “Stay with us, Kotori. It’s going to be okay. I promise.” A choked whimper escaped Kotori’s lips though a small smile lingered on her lips. Slowly, her eyes began to shut. “Kotori-chan!” “Koto-nee!” Maki’s yell rang out in sync with Honoka’s as her knees gave out beneath her. She fell to the ground, barely feeling Nozomi adjust her grip on her hand. “No. No, no, no…” She leaned forward, tears spilling their way freely down her cheeks. “Not her. Anyone but her.” “Maki-chan, it’s not real.” Nozomi crouched down next to Maki, placing her free hand on the tearful girl’s cheek and forcing her to make eye contact. “Not for us. You told me that, remember? You told me before we came here.” “It feels real.” Maki choked out, her hand going to her chest. “I could sense her a second ago and now I-I can’t.” “It just feels real because you…” Nozomi was cut off by a loud thud. She looked back up to the screen along with Maki, finding Umi had fallen too, her hands at her throat. The two of them watched, clutching each other tightly as Honoka desperately tried and failed to save her. Nozomi barely managed to resist the urge to look away. There was so much blood and every one of the people under attack were her precious friends. There was nothing more dear to her than them. “Honoka, move!” Eli’s voice rang clearly around the room and a moment later she was there, tackling Honoka to the side to get her out of the way of another attack. She jumped to her feet after, turning back to the fight. With a low, angered growl her body was engulfed in flames once more. “I’ll kill you.” She snarled furiously. She pulled her hand back, seemingly to attack. “Elichi…” Nozomi murmured, her heart in her throat. She knew what she was about to watch, minus the details, but she couldn’t turn away. “Oh?” With a wave of Erena’s hand, Eli’s flames went out. “I think you’re the ones dying. It just a matter of who’s next.” Her gaze shifted to Honoka. “I’ve been waiting so long to kill you, I’m not sure how I’d like to do it.” She took a step forward, causing Eli to tense and reach behind her to pull Honoka close to her back. “Maybe I should kill you like I killed the mousey one over there. Piercing your heart with darkness seems fitting.” “I won’t let you touch her.” Eli said angrily, letting go of Honoka’s wrist. “Oh Eli.” Erena lifted her fist and the meager flickers of flame Eli had forced to ignite again went out. She didn’t stop there as Eli fell to her knees with a choked cry. Nozomi gasped sharply, gripping Maki tighter. She’d never been able to tolerate seeing Eli in pain. She listened to her future self cry out but she was more concerned with Eli and Erena. “This isn’t right...she helped me so why is she…?” Her musings about Erena ended abruptly when the girl in question summoned a shadow and sent it flying toward Honoka. The next few seconds happened in a blur. Eli went up in flames again and dove toward Honoka, her hand going to the back of the girl’s head to draw it protectively against her shoulder as she shielded her. The blonde’s body jerked and then she stilled completely, her hand falling away from the back of Honoka’s head. “ELICHI!” Future Nozomi’s voice cried out. As Honoka pulled back, Nozomi could clearly make out Eli’s dead and unfocused eyes, coupled with the red covering the front of her shirt. She was gone. Nozomi’s eyes prickled with tears she could do nothing to hold back. “No.” Honoka whispered brokenly, touching Eli’s cheek. “E-Eli-senpai…” A sudden scream seemed to catch Honoka’s attention and she looked up in time to see Future Nozomi shove her way past Tsubasa. She ran to her knees, falling next to Eli. She pushed Honoka away, taking Eli away from her. “Elichi.” Future Nozomi pleaded, tears streaming down her cheeks. “Elichi, wake up. Wake up!” Nozomi wasn’t sure she could watch anymore. She was sure that watching her future self cry over Eli’s death would just bring about her own tears  so she focused solely on Honoka instead, watching as she looked down at something in her hand. Eli’s cross. “S-She’s gone.” Honoka mumbled. Her hand closed around the cross in her hand and she leaned forward, tears filling her eyes. She seemed to fold in on herself, biting down hard on her lip to hold back a scream. “This is it.” Nozomi mumbled as she watched Honoka’s body shake. It was obvious, the point where Honoka had broken completely. With Kotori and Eli dead she simply didn’t have anything left. “Nozomi.” Maki whispered when Future Honoka finally seemed to pull herself together enough to look around. Her grip was suddenly tight. Much too tight. Nozomi looked to where Maki was suddenly staring, bile rising in her throat as she watched Nico cutting at every inch of her own skin she could. She was crouched over a completely still Maki. “You’re okay.” She choked out, gently drawing Maki’s head to her shoulder. “Why would she…?” Maki was cut off as a laugh echoed around them. Future Nozomi’s crying stopped too and she slowly lowered Eli to the ground and got to her feet. There was hatred on her face, a look Maki didn’t recognize. The older version of the girl holding her held out, palm up and a moment later Erena cried out in pain and sank to the ground, clutching at her chest. “Hurts, doesn’t it?” Nozomi gasped, reflexively holding Maki closer to her as she watched her future self walk forward. It was obvious what was happening. She wa collecting every bit of pain from around the room, forcing it into Erena. What bothered her more than what she was doing was the satisfied look on her face as she did it. She wondered if she would do the same if anything happened to Eli. Probably, she thought. “Erena!” Tsubasa cried out, starting to move forward. “Stop!” Anju stopped Tsubasa in her tracks, a smirk on her lips. “I’ll deal with this.” Nozomi growled under her breath. Feeling Maki look up at her, she explained. “That’s Anju. The shapeshifter who pretended to be me. The one who hurt Kotori-chan and broke me and Elichi up.” Maki was about to ask how Nozomi knew so much when the girl on screen transformed into someone very familiar and her jaw dropped. She watched Tsubasa chuckle and hand over the dagger she’d used on Umi. “No.” Honoka muttered, hurriedly shaking her head. “NO! Nozomi! Nozomi, don’t listen to her!” Nozomi watched with baited breath as Eli - or rather Anju in Eli’s form - approached her. “Nozomi stop.” ‘Eli’ spoke softly. “E-Elichi?” Nozomi winced as her future self turned to ‘Eli’, her tears starting afresh. Within a couple of seconds she had thrown her arms around the blonde. “I thought...I thought…” “Shhh.” ‘Eli’ hushed Nozomi gently, her hand gently coming to rest on the back of Nozomi’s head. “It’s alright. I’m right here.” “Damn it. Damn her.” Nozomi glanced at Maki, finding her seething, her cheeks red and flushed with anger and seemingly every part of her body tensed. The redhead’s outrage on her behalf was touching for some reason. Swallowing thickly, Nozomi turned her attention back to what was happening in time to see ‘Eli’ thrust a knife into her future self’s stomach. She grimaced at the sight. She knew Eli would never hurt her. That’s what made it so hard to watch. It seemed her future self knew that too as in her last moments she realized it wasn’t Eli she was with. “Honoka.” Nico stood up from the ground and turned toward Honoka. She was soaked in blood. Her clothes, her hands, arms, and even her face was covered in it. “Go back! You need to fix this!” “I won’t.” In an instant, the room around Nozomi and Maki disappeared and they found themselves in the classroom instead, surrounded by the dead bodies of their friends. Maki clamped her hand over her mouth, gagging at the scent of blood in the air. “I won’t leave you!” Honoka insisted, causing Nico’s eyes to widen in surprise. The momentary hesitation was enough to give A-Rise room to attack again and Erena pulled her arm back, sending a shadow flying toward Honoka. It hit her in the shoulder, knocking her back a few feet. She landed next to Umi, hitting her head on the solid floor. She was dazed for a moment before she felt someone drag her to her feet by the collar of her shirt.

“I’ve wanted to do this for a long time.” Tsubasa smirked, brandishing her knife from her belt.

“So do it.” Honoka whispered, her venomous words a stark contrast to the tears sliding relentless down her cheeks. “Put me out of my misery.” “No!” Nico’s voice rang out in sync with Nozomi’s own cry of protest. Nozomi let go of Maki and scrambled to her feet, rushing for Honoka. She lunged toward her, tackling her to the ground. She had feared when she would finally see the day that Honoka gave up completely on her own life. She knew it was going to happen eventually but it was too soon. The room around them dissolved, back to the darkness from earlier and Nozomi found Honoka staring up at her. “Nozomi.” Honoka whispered, reaching up with a shaky hand. She brushed her fingers against Nozomi’s cheek, her eyes awash with tears. “You’re...you’re really here. My Nozomi, not…” Nozomi struggled to choke back a sob. “I told you I would come for you.” She pressed her forehead to Honoka’s, taking a shuddering breath. “Please wake up. I miss you so much. I’ve been waiting but you’re not waking up and I didn’t know what to do. I just want you back.” “Y-You’re better off without me.” Honoka argued tearfully. “I said horrible things before, I-I practically forced myself on you...I’m not who you want me to be.” “Idiot. I need you. I don’t care what you said. We’ll talk about it later. None of it matters!” Nozomi exclaimed desperately. “Please. Please just come back to us. To me. I need you more than anyone else does! I know it hurts, okay? I know you can’t do this forever and one day...” She trailed off, unable to fathom the idea of losing Honoka. “Just for now. Just give me some more time with you. I need more time.” Honoka’s arms went around Nozomi’s back and she drew her close, hugging her tightly. “Just a little longer.” She whispered, her voice cracking with emotion. “I don’t think I can do this much more.” Nozomi didn’t need to protest as she felt herself being drawn back to reality. She opened her eyes, finding Maki already putting her shades back on. “What did I tell you about letting go of my hand?!” Maki scowled irritably. “You could have been lost in there!”

“Senpai would never have let me get lost.” Nozomi murmured, turning to Honoka. The older girl was still for a moment and Nozomi felt dread creep up on her before she noticed Honoka’s brow furrow. “Senpai?” Honoka groaned and lifted her hand to her head. “If I’d known my head would hurt this much I think I would have stayed asleep.” She said, her words slurring slight. She blinked open her eyes, squinting for a moment before she found Nozomi. “Hey…you were so desperate to talk to me you had to chase me through my dreams, huh?” Maki shook her head in amusement. She could practically hear Honoka’s smile in her voice. “Idiot!” Nozomi clearly wasn’t as amused as Maki was. “Damn it, I thought you were gone!” “And leave my cute kohai alone?” Honoka teased, painstakingly pushing herself into a sitting position. “Of course no-” She was silenced abruptly by Nozomi leaning in and kissing her. The sudden movement almost had Honoka falling back onto the bed in her weakened state but Nozomi’s hands were there, at her back and at the back of her head to support her. Almost unwittingly, she melted into the kiss, grasping Nozomi’s arm to draw her further onto the bed. “Ah...I may be blind but I can still hear you, you know.” Maki said, blushing. Nozomi quickly pulled away, her own face turning red. “S-Sorry, I just got carried away.” “Blind?” Honoka echoed, her voice suddenly serious. She turned toward Maki, gaping at the sight of her shades. “How?” “Tsubasa sent someone. The girl who attacked you.” Nozomi said, soothingly rubbing Honoka’s shoulder. “She had acid too and she um...hit Maki-chan with it.” Honoka moved to her knees with a grunt of pain and reached for Maki’s shades, carefully removing them. She ignored the way Maki flinched and looked at her eyes, taking in how unfocused they were. They were a duller color too, she noticed. “It’s fine, Kotori has been taking care of me.” Maki said quietly. “It’s not fine! Why the hell hasn’t Nico healed you?” Honoka demanded to know. She looked between Nozomi and Maki but they were both silent. “What? What’s going on?” Nozomi took it upon herself to answer. “Nicocchi and Hanayo-chan were taken by CORPS. Elichi, Honoka-chan, Umi-chan and Kotori-chan went after them.” Honoka stared at Nozomi blankly for a moment. “You’re telling me two of my friends are missing and my future girlfriend and my two best friends went on what has to be a suicide mission?!” “By future girlfriend you mean…?” Nozomi quirked an eyebrow at Honoka. “And it’s not a suicide mission. They know what they’re doing. I wouldn’t have let Elichi go otherwise.” “Kotori-chan.” Honoka answered as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. She got up from the bed and made her way to where her clothes were neatly folded on the chair next to the bed. “I’m dating Kotori.” Maki said firmly as she put her shades back on. “Our Honoka already chose Umi. And...I guess Eli to an extent. Kotori is not your Kotori, she’s mine!” “Maki.” Honoka winced as she carefully removed her IV. Her Maki had shown her how to, mindful that Honoka would end up ripping them out. “I’m not trying to be mean but Kotori and I are always going to end up together. It doesn’t matter what’s in the middle.” “Are you…” Maki stood up from the bed, her fists clenched. “Are you serious? Not everything’s going to happen the way it did for you. You coming back has changed all of us. I’m not going to be cold toward everyone or smoke. Nico-chan isn’t going to be emotionless forever. She’s showing more emotion every day! And...and Koto-nee and I rekindled our friendship. We didn’t do that in your future, did we? Honoka is madly in love with Umi and she has the guts to admit she loves Eli too s-” “Maki-chan!” Nozomi cut in sharply as Future Honoka did a double take. Maki turned to her with a wounded expression, as though she had been waiting for Nozomi to agree with her. “I’m sorry. Just leave it alone, okay?” “Why should I?!” Maki demanded. “I love Kotori so why should I have to listen to her saying she’s going to take her from me eventually?! And Honoka loves Umi and Eli anyway, you can see it in her eyes!” “Maki-chan, not now!” Nozomi insisted, trying to keep the two from arguing. “We’ll talk about it later!” “Yeah, well I didn’t say my past self isn’t an idiot!” Honoka retorted, pulling on some jeans. “Kotori knew how she felt about me long before I realized how I felt about her. Just like in this timeline. Have you seen the way she looks at my past self? Besides, it’s not like she hasn’t kissed me before.” “But Honoka doesn’t see Kotori that way!” Maki insisted, her tone taut with frustration. “She loves Umi! And Eli too but she doesn’t see Kotori as anything other than her best friend!” “God damn it, shut UP!” Honoka yelled, whirling around to face Maki. “It doesn’t matter how my past self sees Kotori now because Kotori loves her. Has she even told you you’re her girlfriend yet?” She waited a beat for Maki to reply but she didn’t. “You know it doesn’t matter. If my past self doesn’t see sense Kotori-chan is always going to have me.” “Okay, okay!” Nozomi stepped between the two of them, holding her arms out at her sides. “Both of you just SHUT UP! Honoka, Maki-chan just saved your life. Stop being so cruel. And Maki-chan, you need to think about how Honoka feels.” “How she feels…” Maki winced in pain, gripping her head. “How SHE feels? Damn it…” “Okay, Maki-chan. Sit down.” Nozomi instructed, moving toward Maki. She lowered her voice when she was close to the redhead. “I know you’re upset but yelling at Honoka isn’t going to help. You saw her past, you know how she feels about Kotori.” “I don’t CARE!” Maki’s voice rose though she cringed immediately after. “Ow…” The door opened suddenly and Rei walked in, worry on her face. “What’s going on in here?!” She glanced in shock between Maki, Nozomi and Honoka. “You’re awake? How…” She trailed off, realizing what must have happened. “Oh Maki…” Maki swayed on her feet, her eyes watering. It was too much. The pain in her head hurt too much, the images of Kotori dying were still with her and now she was faced with the reality of Kotori leaving her. “It hurts…” Rei moved to her daughter, quickly steadying her. “I told you not to do this, Maki…” “I love Koto-nee.” Maki said wearily as she leaned into her mother. “I love her and she’s going to take her away from me.” “She’s NOT yours to…” Even Future Honoka was silenced by the fierce glare Rei shot her. “Whatever.” “I see you’re feeling better.” Rei said sharply as she gently guided Maki back to the bed. “Nice to see you’re making the most of your time by bullying my daughter.” “Mom, what am I going to do…?” Maki murmured as Rei helped her lie down on the bed. “Koto-nee...I just...I don’t want to lose her again.” “It’s alright.” Rei soothed, gently running her fingers through Maki’s hair. “You’ll be healed soon and everything will be fine, I promise. Just get some rest.” “I just want to see her again.” Maki whimpered. “Mama…” “I know, I know…” “Nozomi.” Honoka looked to Nozomi as she pulled her jacket on. She pointedly didn’t look at Maki, feeling guilty for hurting her. “Are you coming?” “Huh? Oh yeah.” Nozomi tore her gaze away from Maki. “Yeah, let’s go.” Rei stood from the bed and stepped in front of Honoka, levelling her with a serious look. “I know you’re vital to the future but if you even think about hurting my daughter, I’ll…” “I have no interest in hurting her.” Honoka interrupted bluntly. “She’ll be hurt enough without me adding to it.” “You don’t know anything about her.” Rei stopped Honoka leaving with a hand to her chest. “You have no idea how much she’s endured. She deserves to be happy.” Honoka gritted her teeth together. “Just tell me. In the future, has Maki even opened up to anyone about her childhood? Do you know what happened to her?” “Maki-chan isn’t...she doesn’t talk about her past. Or her feelings. She likes to be alone.” Honoka answered stiffly. She wanted to leave but she didn’t think she could refuse Rei’s questioning. “She doesn’t know how to...do relationships.” “Of course she doesn’t know how. She didn’t have a real friend until she was four. She didn’t play with other kids or see the outside world. Until Yume brought Kotori over to play. That was the happiest I’ve ever seen her. And then of course they fell apart.” Rei glanced toward Maki who seemed to be sleeping comfortably. “After Kotori started elementary, Maki became isolated again. She didn’t know how to control her ability and non-ability users are afraid of her. Maki’s always hated people being afraid of her…” “I know.” Honoka mumbled, remembering the many times she’d hurt Maki by flinching away from her. “But now she has Kotori back and I’m sure you can understand why she doesn’t want to lose her again.” Rei finished. “I know you don’t mean to hurt her but she’s still a teenager.” Honoka gave a terse nod. “I have to go.” She said, grabbing Nozomi’s hand and edging around Rei. --- “This is weird.” Chika commented as she allowed Kotori to tug her along. “I’ve never been invisible before.” Kotori gave a hum of acknowledgement. “So how do you know Honoka-chan?” “We were neighbors when I was younger!” Chika answered brightly as they approached the door to the building. “Honoka-onee-chan is a year older than me so I uh...looked up to her a lot. I used to follow her around a lot. It must have been pretty annoying, I guess…” “I’m sure she thought it was sweet.” Kotori replied with a shake of her head though she knew Chika couldn’t actually see her. “I had a friend just like you. She used to follow me around all of the time. She was so shy…” She chuckled softly to herself as she thought of how Maki had acted when she was younger. “Are you still friends with her?” Chika asked interestedly as they reached the door. “No, she’s my…” Kotori paused, realizing she’d been about to say ‘girlfriend’. “Well um...yeah, we’re really good friends now though we were seperated for a while.” “Oh.” Chika followed Kotori into the building and lowered her voice. “Kind of like me and Honoka-onee-chan.” “Kind of.” Kotori said agreeably. “Why kind of?” Chika asked inquisitively as Kotori guided her down the hallway. “Is it different somehow?” “Well...kind of.” Kotori said again. “Maki-chan and I are closer now. I guess you could say she’s my um...girlfriend now.” She was glad she was invisible so Chika couldn’t see her blushing. “I just um...don’t like to say that much. It’s complicated.” “Huh? Why is it complicated?” Kotori gave a small laugh. “You’re curious, huh?” She paused for a moment before answering. “I had feelings for someone else before Maki-chan and I became friends again. And I still have feelings for them. It’s...Honoka-chan actually. She’s one of my two best friends.” “But Maki-san isn’t your best friend?” Chika asked inquisitively. “What’s she then? And...well, I thought Honoka-onee-chan was with the dark haired girl. Or the blonde one...Eli-san, was it?” “Don’t remind me.” Kotori said with a resigned sigh. “It’s like they’re all she thinks about now. But her future self is dating me. In the future so…” “Wait, what? Her future self?” Chika asked in confusion. “Can someone see into the future? That’s so cool, I want to try!” “Uh...no. It’s complicated. I don’t know why I’m telling you all of this.” Kotori muttered. “You-chan and Riko-chan say I’m a good listener.” Chika said sincerely. “Maybe that’s why. I like helping people with their problems.” Kotori laughed softly. “You’re pretty cute, you know? Honoka-chan is lucky to have you as someone who looks up to her.” “I-I don’t know about that.” Chika said with a nervous chuckle. They turned the corner and she paused, making sure nobody was there to hear them. “So does Maki-chan love you?” “Um...yes.” Kotori answered thoughtfully. She didn’t have any doubt that Maki loved her. Maki had told her before and she would never lie about something like that. “And I love her. But love is...well I don’t know if I love her in the same way she loves me.” Chika hummed in response. “So you’re just with her because you don’t want to hurt her? That’s really...stupid and cruel. It’s wrong to just play someone like that. Just because you have feelings for two people at the same time doesn’t mean you can’t love them both in the same way. Or even the same amount. I think.” Kotori was surprised that she didn’t feel affronted by the harsh comment from this girl she had just met. “Speaking from personal experience?” “Wha…?!” Chika shook her head quickly. “Of course not! I don’t have feelings for anyone a-and I’m sure nobody likes me in that way. It’s just common sense, isn’t it? And...you said Honoka-onee-chan is the other person you love. Is Maki-san her friend too?” “Yeah.” Kotori answered quietly. “Yeah, she is.” “I’m sure she wouldn’t want you to hurt Maki-san either.” Chika finished. “So maybe if you’re using Maki-san it would be best to end it before it goes too far? Tell her the truth...though I guess that might cause some problems too, with your friends…” “Look…” Kotori drew to a stop, Chika with her. She wished she could ease up on using her abilities but she couldn’t risk being spotted by security cameras. It seemed she’d had the fortune of finding her way into a section of the building that wasn’t swarmed with guards. She wasn’t about to push her luck. “You seem nice and...I don’t mind talking to you about this for some reason but...maybe we shouldn’t talk about it right now, especially considering you don’t even know my name.” “It’s Kotori-chan. Honoka-onee-chan said it.” Chika said obliviously. “But if you don’t remember my name it’s…” “Chika-chan. I know.” Kotori sighed and continued on her way down the hallway. She closed her hand around the necklace around her neck, her thoughts straying to Maki. She just wanted to make sure Nico and Hanayo were safe and then get back to Maki. She wasn’t sure what to make of that though. “Let’s just focus on what we’re doing. We have to find our friends.” --- “These guards are never ending.” Honoka panted as she pressed herself close to a wall, taking cover from the onslaught of guards. “I wish Kotori-chan had followed us. This would be a lot faster. We need to hurry up and get to them before they do something stupid.” “They’re going to be okay.” Umi said reassuringly from next to Honoka. Having run out of things to throw she’d been forced to duck out of the fight. “I don’t know why they’re here to begin with.” Eli said breathlessly as she joined them. “You need to talk to your sister when we get to them, this is crazy!” “MY sister?!” Honoka exclaimed angrily. “This would never be Yukiho’s idea. I told you, she’s more responsible than that. Maybe you should look at your own sister. It’s obvious she’d try to be like you!” “Honoka.” Umi warned gently, grabbing Honoka’s hand. “It’s nobody’s fault.” “Arisa doesn’t KNOW better!” Eli stepped out from behind the wall, throwing out her hands to send a wall of blue flames toward the oncoming guards. “Yukiho SHOULD!” “Arisa-chan’s no more of a child than Yukiho is!” Honoka growled, seemingly not hearing what Umi was saying. “You act like Yukiho is dragging Arisa-chan out and convincing her to do things but it’s the other way round and you know it! Yukiho can’t resist Arisa-chan. She always ends up following your lead. Your sister has your charm. And she has my sister wrapped around her little finger.” “Hey, hey, HEY!” Umi interrupted loudly before Eli could argue. “Stop it! Just stop it, okay?! You two aren’t meant to be fighting, you’re meant to be leaning on each other. It’s what you do, isn’t it? What good is yelling at each other going to do when you’re both already scared enough?” Both Honoka and Eli looked suitably rebuked but neither of them said anything for a moment until Honoka spoke up. “I-I’m sorry, Eli-senpai…” “Damn it!” Eli hit the wall they were cowering behind with the side of her fist. “I’m sorry too. Let’s just find them, okay?” She turned to Honoka and held out her hand. “Would you mind teleporting me behind those guards? Maybe we can take them by surprise.” “Yeah.” Honoka hesitated for a moment before slipping her hand into Eli’s. “Of course.” She closed her eyes, focusing intently on teleporting herself and Eli behind the guards across the room. She felt the familiar sensation of her surroundings fading out of focus and new surroundings fading in. As soon as Eli felt her feet hit solid ground she threw her hands out, taking the remaining guards down with a wave of fire. “Finally…” “SHINY!” Eli whirled around at the sound of a new voice, throwing her arms out defensively. “No, no, no!” Nico exclaimed quickly, grabbing Mari’s arm to draw her behind her. “Eli, it’s fine. It’s okay. Mari’s...insane but she’s on our side.” She cast a glare over at Mari. “Would you quit it with the English? No wonder everyone tries to kill you.” Mari grinned at the comment. “Maybe I’m just hiding my true feelings. Besides, I like to annoy you, Bella!” “Nico-chan, what happened to you?!” Honoka was suddenly at Nico’s side, engulfing her in a painfully tight embrace. Thankfully it was brief before Honoka pulled away. “You’re...hurt?” “Long story.” Nico winced, leaning heavily on Honoka. “I...they gave me the cure. Took away my ability and now I’m dying.” “Dying?” Eli asked frantically, stepping forward. “No. No, you can’t be! I’m not going to let you die, you can’t!” “I am.” Nico took a deep breath, struggling to stand up straight even with Honoka’s help. She felt Umi grasp her arm too, to help. “I need to get back to Hanayo before it happens. I promised I’d get her out. She doesn’t know. I don’t know if she can walk, she twisted her ankle pretty bad.” “I’ll carry her.” Umi volunteered. “If her ankle’s hurt it’ll be faster anyway. Honoka and...your new friend will help you.” Nico scowled. “If you’re talking about…” “Mari!” Mari announced, perking up at having been addressed. “Oh my god, are you some kind of prince? You look like Kanan!” Umi blinked in confusion. “Prince…? What?” “Umi-chan is my girlfriend.” Honoka said sharply, earning herself surprised looks from both Umi and Eli. “Eh...I’m just saying. Umi-chan’s not...a prince.” “Don’t pay her any attention. She’s weird.” Nico mumbled, nodding toward Mari. “I like her.” Eli announced with a shrug of her shoulders. “Of course you would, she’s a blonde Nozomi!” Nico winced as she shifted. “Mari, please try to act normal. I don’t have the energy to punch you…” “So hot, I like you too!” Mari answered in fluent english. “Ugh, ENOUGH with the English!” Nico groaned. “You remind me even more of Kanan.” Mari smiled flirtatiously over at Eli who blushed and looked away. “D-Don’t speak to Eli-senpai like that, she’s my…” Honoka trailed off, wondering how she could even begin to explain. “My...special person.” Eli beamed at the slip up. “Just hers. In general.” “They’re both yours?!” Mari gasped exaggeratedly. “How scandalous!” “I’m going to kill her.” Nico whimpered, her head falling to Honoka’s shoulder. “I’m seriously going to kill her.” “You were going to say it, weren’t you?” Eli asked, sidling up to Honoka. “I will be if you want me to be, you know…” “E-Eli-sen-” “INTRUDERS, STOP RIGHT THERE!” A male voice rang out around the courtyard. Umi looked up sharply, searching for the source of the noise. A guard turned the corner and she drew her knife from her belt and threw it. It hit the guard square in the chest and he fell to the ground. He was quickly followed by more men though. “Everyone scatter!” TBC.

[jamiedeline]

When Prejudices Become Partisan: What Also Happened Last November

One year ago today, our nation experienced a shift that we will be doomed to analyze and re-analyze and over-analyze until the end of time. Have you ever been a student in a history class examining particularly bizarre or frightening eras from our collective human past and wonder, “How the hell did they let that happen?” I feel I’m currently living in one of those eras and I understand it even less. I recently watched the documentary 11/8/16, which follows various Americans throughout the country on that fateful day, and I believe Anthony Ray Hinton, a man exonerated after 30 years on Death Row now voting for the first time since, put it best: “I’ve done stuff and woke up the next morning and said, ‘Man, what have I done?’ I don’t know when, I don’t know how long [it’s] gonna be, but the American people are gonna wake up and say, ‘What have we done?’”

Obviously Americans take many different stances on last year’s election, as did the subjects featured in said documentary. But nearly all of us agree that things were said during the course of last year’s election that were disrespectful, misogynistic, racist, and for lack of a better word, stupid. I had long hoped (if not assumed) that the majority of the American people would draw the line at such blatant bigotry. Well, the majority of Americans did draw that line, but still not nearly enough to stop said offender from ascending to the Oval Office. When the polls closed, I remember not so much being shocked at the results, but more heartbroken, as my worst fears about my country had just been confirmed. So how did we get to a place in our nation where bigotry is brushed off, if not all out accepted, by so much of the voting electorate?

I’m not speaking about the radicals and reactionaries who will always be among us. I’m speaking about the majority of the American public, who I’ll assume, for the sake of my sanity, to be morally decent and good. (Donald Trump is not among the majority I’m considering.) So forget the alt-right and the old-school Nazis. To be fair and balanced, I guess we can forget Antifa, if you even remembered them in the first place.

Partisanship is not a new phenomenon in this country. It’s as old as our constitution. For various reasons, our nation divided itself into a two-party nation, and despite two dominant parties rising and falling and shifting in ideology over time, there has always been two on top. Any vote for a third party ultimately only helps one and hinders the other, because surely it will always be one of the dominant two in the end. I have often claimed that this is far from ideal, but that’s the way it’s always been, and it leaves ample room for in-fighting about the platform of each party (yes, I see you, Bernie bros) while plenty of people feel they cannot solidly identify with either.

With that said, I’m still not sure exactly how and when our partisanship got to be this bad. Yet I do know that it’s worse than I’ve seen it in my lifetime. Despite the cries of many who insist it to be so, I maintain that this is not and never will be politics as usual. I also believe one of the reasons we got here is that many Americans have been fooled into thinking this is the case, and Donald Trump is not the only reason for this. I may not know why and how it came to this, and any reporter or analyzer is welcome to take up the study, but I can present examples of its existence and argue why it needs to be stopped before this country really does go off the rails into total self-destruction.

A prime example was given by Republican Tim Miller in a segment brilliantly pinned “The Cuck Zone” in a summer episode of Lovett or Leave It (one of the many brilliant podcasts from Crooked Media). He referenced back to the 2012 debates between President Obama and Mitt Romney, where the latter made reference to his “binders full of women.” Miller reminded us that in response to this off-hand remark, many liberals pounced on Romney and labelled him a sexist, despite the fact that he’s been married to a woman with whom he shared his first kiss at age 16 for nearly 50 years, and he actually wanted to hire these women. Looking back at the time, I very well may have gotten swept up in the rhetoric in the heat of the impending election and been more critical than necessary of Romney in that regard, but I don’t think I believed him to be genuinely sexist. He’s certainly not the most progressive candidate for women’s rights, but I think at the time the comment and the subsequent jokes it produced was more entertaining to me than disconcerting. (See below for an example.)

Yet come four years later, when the Republicans have on their ticket a man who bragged about grabbing women by the pussy, stood accused of sexual assault a dozen times over, claimed that hiring women costs his businesses too much money, and practically confirmed that he would bang his own daughter if she were not, you know, his daughter - then what good was our outrage if we had already overused and misplaced it in previous elections? We are so bitterly divided in this country along political lines that we the people failed to recognize an actual danger to our democracy. We’ve been crying political wolf for so long, that when an actual misogynistic prick is running for the highest office in the nation, those who identify with his “side” do not take the legitimate gripes of the opposition seriously. At this point, it’s just another partisan divide. Not a threat to our democracy, not a threat to many of our citizens, but just Democrats vs. Republicans as usual.

When Trump was finally chosen as the candidate the Republican party would have to run for president, I did find it a bit of glee in it. Not only was this a time when I naively believed the majority of Americans would see through his bullshit, but it seemed to be poetic justice for the Republican establishment of the past eight years. So much of their party’s platform had become all about blindly hating Obama and everything he did or tried to do, with and (more often) without their willingness to work with him. It was also not lost on me that many of this vitriolic hate came from a place of pure bigotry. There were plenty of people in this country and in our Congress that resented the fact that a black man with Muslim relations was in the White House. Never mind that he was one of the most decent and intelligent human beings to take up the job in my lifetime, never mind basic political differences of opinion; too many of the people that opposed him were ruled by prejudice.

For all that they had done and refused to do, I thought Trump was the candidate they deserved. For their party’s anti-LBGTQ, anti-women, and anti-immigrant agenda, a bigot at the head of the ranks made sense. Now, I am not saying that all Republicans are inherently bigots, yet I do believe the Republican Party of the past decade is less in line with traditional conservatism and more in step with white male prosperity. Nevertheless, the Republican establishment stood ready to reject Trump. How could they be so shocked when the majority of their constituents drank the poison they’d been feeding them for years?

So life-long Republicans who did reject Trump were forced to make a choice; vote for the bigoted bully your party was now all but required to endorse, or vote for Hillary Clinton. Yes, Hillary Clinton. The lightening rod for conservative hate, despite her largely centrist views that has also made her a lightening rod of hate for the far-left. I’m sure most of my fellow millennials saw this GIF going around on their Facebook:

My first reaction was “Dude, you spelled Hillary’s name wrong.” My second reaction was “Heh, that’s funny, I guess.” But my third and most passionate reaction was, “Wait, are you fucking kidding me?” How is Hillary Clinton on the same level as Donald Trump?! How can you not make that distinction?

“But what about her emails?” “What about Whitewater?” “What about her speech at Goldman Sachs?” At the time, I believed this to be complete and utter partisan bullshit. While I recognize the legitimacy of some these gripes back then as I do now, one year of a Donald Trump presidency has proven my initial instincts to be correct. Watching the Trump administration not only have scandals of the exact same nature (and worse) as anything Hillary was accused of during the election and watching the Republican establishment look the other way has validated my initial inclination. Yet what would the Democratic Party do if Hillary had insisted on a Muslim ban? I’d like to think we’d rebuke her, and I know Republicans would tear her apart just because they’d have the opportunity. But would we still endorse her? Would I still vote for her?

I had a couple friends in France that weren’t so thrilled with their final two choices in their most recent election. Because France has a run-off system, their final two choices came down to, as one acquaintance put it, “An inexperienced businessman and a racist.” Yet to me, that choice was obvious! Do not vote for the racist! Thank God 75% of the country took my advice. Perhaps they learned from our mistakes. Americans should have learned from Brexit if the majority of us paid any attention to international news.

What it came down to was that the majority of Trump voters either brushed aside or excused their candidates racism when they cast their ballot. There are plenty of bonafide racists in his constituency, and perhaps even more that aren’t even aware of how inherent racism and misogyny are in our system that they do not recognize it in themselves, but I don’t believe the majority to have had malicious intent. Yet at the very least, they ignored this maliciousness in favor of his policies which supposedly were more in line with their political beliefs.

But does it matter where your candidate stands on the economy if he’s actively mounting a racist campaign? Shouldn’t we, the American people, know where to draw the line between politics as usual and flat-out prejudice?

Unfortunately last year, the answer was no. But we need to learn.

Prejudice on partisan lines is not exactly new in this country, either. We literally fought a war amongst ourselves because one half of us refused to acknowledge the practice of maintaining other human beings was immoral. To this day people still try to make excuses for that, right up to the president’s Chief of Staff! They claim the Civil War was about more than slavery, but rather states’ rights (ahem, their rights to own slaves), economic opportunities (i.e. refusing to give up their slaves), and Southern oppression (because they were being forced to give up their slaves... you see where I’m going with this). Never mind that these statues of Confederate generals were erected decades later as yet another reminder to African-Americans that their lives matter less. And when there is finally some push-back against these symbols of oppression, we end up with Nazis marching in the street. Nazis which the president refused to condemn because he knows they are his constituents! This cannot and should not be acceptable. Even if you voted for Trump on an economic basis, good and decent cannot stand idly by and be complicit in this hatred.

I’m sure there are many who voted for Trump who are now having second thoughts. Probably many of them won’t be willing to admit it, but I’m sure they exist. I’m also sure many of them continue to be in denial, lying to themselves and coating these lies with their daily dose of Fox & Friends. People don’t want to admit they made a mistake. Our nation has made many of them and yet we still make excuses for ourselves rather than acknowledging them. Certainly we on the left are not and will not be so forgiving. I myself find it extremely hard to forgive anyone who voted for Trump, even though several of my loved ones are among them. They must have known what they were voting for, right? Yet so many people have become so tribal that it’s blinded their ability to think critically about their choices. This isn’t a new phenomenon either. Countless studies have shown that human beings will pick their tribe before they pick their beliefs, and then their beliefs will subsequently fall in line with the pack. We as Americans, let alone as people, have come a long way in shedding our more primitive, tribal roots. Yet we have a long way to go.

We on the left can be kinder to each other as well. The truth is that there is often great tribalism among minorities against other minorities. Far more often than necessary, we are compelled to attack ignorance where an attack is not merited. Not everyone is coming from a place of maliciousness. More often than not, people just don’t know. We have to open to hearing other people speak their truths, even if the opinions they’ve derived from their experiences clash with our own. This is the only way we can truly learn from each other and grow. Yet if those who are more “privileged” than us feel alienated from the conversation, they will feel alienated from the movement and more and more reluctant to stand with us as allies.

Maybe with the shock of the election and the disaster of a first year for Trump’s presidency, the winds are starting to shift. Yesterday’s election garnered much more hopeful results. While there is little hope to be placed on Republican leaders Mitch McConnell and Paul Ryan, there are still those in the party (though they won’t be there for long) willing to speak out. I don’t expect Sen. Jeff Flake or Sen. Bob Corker to start aligning themselves with Democrats on votes. They’re still Republicans and they have a different set of beliefs. Yet bigotry should never be a mainstay in any political party’s platform. It should be called out by all decent Americans, no matter where it comes from. Prejudice should not be a partisan issue. Let’s recognize that in our own personal politics and start voting only for the people who already do.