#I cried myself to sleep last night because the flashbacks were so strong

[nitannichionne]

LUNA IV Chapter 5: Roles  (Henry Cavill Syverson Fan Fic)

Chapter 5

“We need to talk.”

You shake your head as you work on the garden. He gave it to you as a project to do. You liked it instantly because it was something you did for fun before your life changed. There were certain things your father liked to do with you at home when he wasn’t on a mission, and this was one of them. You like the feel of earth in your hands, and how you could pound it and shift it, and make something grow from it. You had great talks in the garden while planting it, watering it, and finally walking it or harvesting it. It was becoming your little world away from the one you got dropped in.

You must stay away from him, no matter how much you want him, you tell yourself everyday while you’re there. The plan is to get away from him, not curl into his arms, not to succumb to his kisses, even if he is compassionate, even if he feels good, even if his voice lulls you in the night when you wake up. It had happened again last night, and you fight the memory:

You awaken with a cry, shaking with tears streaming down your face. The dream-the flashback-had happened again:

Marette was coming at you in your own home, telling you that you were his. You tell him you’re not. He tells you it’s the law. You tell him fuck the law, and your father left you your fortune. He laughs and comes at you, telling you that he is going teach you a lesson that you father didn’t. The fight ensues, and he underestimates your abilities, all your father taught you. The room becomes a war zone, and everything is a weapon as far as you’re concerned. You throw things at him to keep him at bay, and he laughs. He lunges for you and you get out of the way. You pick up a chair and he grabs the other end, but your struggle gets you closer the weapons cabinet. He wrenches it away from you and takes your body to the floor. You feel your clothes rip and you clap his ears. You back away, scrambling for the cabinet. He catches your leg, and you fight, but he’s strong, pulling you to him. You feel him on your back and he squeezes your breast so hard you scream in pain. You roll him over and head butt him, using the moment his grip on you loosens to roll and scramble to your feet. You dive over the couch, away from the weapons cabinet to your father’s desk. You jump over it, and open the drawer. He always had a weapon there. You grab it just as you feel Marette’s body take you to the ground again. You struggle as he tries to disarm you, your fingers fumbling between you for the gun. BANG!

His body is heavy on yours. You push him off, see his expressionless face. You back away from him as if he may spring back to life any moment. You bump into the wall and one of your father’s military jackets fall over you. Your life is over and you know it. You curl yourself in it, still holding the gun, and cry.

In the darkness you awaken from the memory, weeping and trembling. Then you feel a warm embrace, you feel a hand at your back rubbing you. You curl into these arms, and then freeze, realizing this could be no one you know. You look up and see Syverson’s face.

Your mind’s eye closes and you see Syverson standing over you with that same look on his face.

“What?”

“Whatever happened to you, I’m sorry,” Sy ground out. “I feel as if there is so much more to your story—”

Your eyes fly to his. “There is more to everyone’s story, here.”

“There is?”

“Yes, like Gabrielle,” you say her name. “She’s here because she stole food, because she was hungry.”

“I got that feeling when I saw her,” Sy says softly. “I swear to you she is in gentle hands.”

“Oh, I can imagine,” you hiss angrily, and go back to turning the soil with your hands.

“Have I done something to you?”

You say nothing, because he has done nothing. A pattern had been established. You have been trying not to enjoy Sy’s smiles and comments about your cooking and cleaning, which usually surpassed his expectations. And in return--

His fingers and mouth brought you great relief and ecstasy. He knew you intimately, but you hadn't felt his hot hardness inside you since your first night. He comforted you when you had the nightmares, but sometimes you found herself wanting more. He would stroke your limbs every night, and you got used to it, even had trouble sleeping when he had to go if a crime occurred. You were on edge, starving for him, and he knew it, despite the cuffs he had attached to the bed that he adjusted to your size. After that, you’d been keeping conversation to a minimum and even that was killing you. His eyes silently asked you to talk, and so you stopped looking. But your body was a traitor. This morning you awakened with your arm and leg draped over him his muscular frame, your head over his heart. You even sniffed his neck as you awakened. He looked down at you and you got out of bed as fast as you could.

“Why aren’t you at work?” you ask, still tilling the soil.

“I’m working from home today.”

You sigh. So much for time to strengthen your reserve. “I could start lunch early.” You rise and assume an at ease position, deciding that he was not going to let her garden.

His eyes travel you. "I would like to take you to town today," he says quickly. "You should go every week for supplies." He watched you nod in understanding.

You avert your eyes, visibly bracing. "May I finish here?"

"You may not have enough time, it is best to go before the sun is too high." he nods, watching your eyes lower. "I will help you."

Alarms go off within you. "You don't have to—"

"Tend my own garden?" he smiles. "I haven't had time to do it, but I assure you, I know how. We can finish quickly, and still get to town before the sun is high." He is outwardly calm, but you sense tension and don’t know why. You both kneel side by side and get to work, loosening the soil and planting more seeds. "You know a great deal about running a household."

"Yes."

He takes a breath. "I am at a loss. I know why are you are here, but I don't know...why you are here."

You take a deep breath and exhale, "I don't belong here."

"Can you tell me what happened?"

You stab a hole it the shifted earth. "I killed a man—" you make eye contact with him. "In self defense."

"Go on."

"My father was very wealthy, very affluent," you decide to go back to work while you talk. "I was to be married in a year, and had just met my fiancée."

"An arranged marriage."

"He was a nice man," You defend. "I knew no one as kind as Kieran, except my father."

"Kieran?" Sy repeats, frowning. "Kieran Feloni?"

You nod.

His eyes widen with recognition. "Then that would make you—"

"Daughter of General Andari."

He stopped working. "Your father was one of the most admired and decorated warriors in the Luna System." His whole demeanor shows great respect. “I was saddened about his loss, I truly was. Good man.”

"Thank you," you nod, feeling his sincerity. "Don't know much about me, do you?"

"No, not really," he shook his head, feeling guilty. "Your stories were in the society section, I don't read that."

You nod in understanding. "Yes, that is how they did it." You tensed, still concentrating on the work before you. "They took everything."

"Who?"

"Luna III," you nod. "Women can't have anything, remember?"

"They only ask you have a guardian—"

"I don't need one!" your anger flares, eyes sparking at his. "My father raised me to take care of myself. I was fine!"

"I heard that he died in a—"

"They died," Your voice wavers, and you go back to concentrating on the planting. You realize you have finished planting the seedling in front of you, and shift quickly before he can touch you. "They took everything away from me...in trust till I found a new guardian." You pause, starting a new row. "One was picked for me. I didn't want him. He tried to take over—take me—it was me or him."

"And?"

"I am my father's daughter." You smirk darkly at him, vigorously stabbing the earth and dropping seeds in each hole, creating a rhythm. "Female I am, but my father taught me how to fight. Marette was stupid to think I'd let him—I warned him, told him to leave me...alone." You find your vision is blurring, your breath is heaving, and you stop.

"You'd never killed anyone."

You stab the ground so hard the hoe stands straight up in the soil. "I never had to!" She raised her eyes to him, her breath racing.

"Enough gardening today." He rises to his feet.

You stiffen. "Yes, I'm sure you've had enough digging around today." You lift your face to him defiantly as you rise to your feet even though your tears still fell.

"Time for a bath." Before you could say anything, he picks you up. He keeps a gentle but firm grip on you, anticipating resistance, but there was none, though she was stiff in his arms. He sets you down in the bathroom, turns on the water, and undresses you slowly. You say nothing. He undresses and pulls you in against him.

You put your palms on his chest, trying to keep some distance. "I can't wash this way." You don’t want to look at him.

He smiles gently. "It's alright. Let the water do some of the work, wash it away." You go rigid and he starts wetting your hair, smoothing the water over your head. "Close your eyes, relax..." He gently massages your scalp until you relax. He puts your head on his chest. "See?"

Your vision completely blurs as you try to hold in sniffs and sobs. He holds you closer as he takes a sponge from a small wall shelf and strokes your back, saying nothing. You hide your tears in the flow of water. You had not cried since the day law enforcement took you, the last time you held your father’s jacket. You realize he is too quiet and he is caressing more than bathing you. Does he know you’re crying? You hesitantly pull away.

Given access to the front of your body, he rakes your hair back gently, pulling it to tilt your head to his. He lowers his lips to yours, pressing gently. He withdraws, but only to wash your breasts and stomach, then kneels to wash your legs as well.But then, his mouth opens against the apex of your legs, his warm breath providing only a second's notice before his tongue slides between your lovelips, and you exhale in a half cry, half moan. You lean against the shower wall. His strokes are slow and deliberate, coaxing your legs to open more. He guides your hands to his head, and you massage his scalp as you pant under the flow of water, lost again in passion. He moans as drinks from you and then rises to his feet to pin you against the wall and lift you effortlessly onto his hips, his muscles exerting great care as he lowers her onto his erection. Your both moan, the sounds blending with the sound of flowing water as he lifts and lowers you again…and again…

Passion strips away roles as the water rinses you clean. You wrap your legs around him in surrender as he gently thrust into you, the movements becoming more urgent. You flex around him as he draws moans from you, your fingers digging into his shoulders and intensifying his release.

For moments after he holds you to him, he keeps you pinned against the shower wall as he strokes your arms and legs. He kisses your shoulder and you realize you have been rubbing the back of his head almost absently, naturally, your legs still wrapped around him. It was as if you aren't prisoner and warden at all.

"We are going to market?" you ask softly.

He draws back slightly, just enough to look into your eyes. "Yes. I want the people in town to know you are with me and whatever you buy is on my account." He kisses your nose, and smiles at your confusion. His words do not sound like that of a warden. "Get dressed, alright?" He sets you down on your feet, and you wash quickly and get dressed.

Thanks for reading! Please let me know if you wish to be tagged, and comments are WELCOME. Please feel free to also check out other stories on my page.

Thanks @fckdeusername​ and @maan24 ! I thought no one was interested in this story!

[toomanystoriessolittletime]

Getting away with it (10/?)

Summary: August Walker was dead. At least that’s what people believed for almost 2 years. When the CIA found reason to believe that he was alive they made it their top priority to find him. Including sending one of their best female agents to recruit his twin brother. Walter Marshall.  

Pairing: August Walker x Reader (Walker) + Walter Marshall x Reader (Walker)

Warnings: angst, implied smut in the flashback, cursing

Wordcount: 2.139

A/N: And we’re back. Thank you for sticking around and waiting. I hope you have “fun” with this. Updates will be thursdays from now on. And because I don’t want to pressure myself I won’t promise weekly updates. Just know that I still have big plans for this. There’s a year of plot to get through until the last chapter and we’ve barely covered two months with these 10 chapters so buckle up lol

Masterlist

Previous chapter

two weeks later, CIA Bootcamp

“What’s up with you today, Walter?” He heard his trainer ask, while Marshall rubbed a hand over his jaw. He wasn’t fully there today. Not after talking to Walker for hours last night.

He shook his head.

“I’m okay. Let’s just get over with it.”  Marshall sighed, before he brought his arms up in front of his face, widening his stance, promising to himself to pay attention to what his trainer said.

Sometimes he couldn’t believe it only had been three weeks since he left Walker and Evie on their own. Ever since Walker answered his daily phone call in tears, after August was there with her, he couldn’t help but feel guilty. Guilty for not being there to protect her. Guilty for leaving to get ready be able to catch his own twin brother, even if right now killing him was the thought that came to his mind, knowing fully well that wasn’t what he was supposed to do. He wanted to bring him to justice. 

He never had been a violent person, but the more he learned about August, the angrier he got. 

But it wasn’t just August who he was angry at. He was also angry at Walker. He was angry because she let him in. She let him touch her. She let him fuck her. And he knew he had no right to feel that way. Because he had no right whatsoever when it came to Walker. Strong and beautiful Walker who he dreamed of in his lonely nights. Wondering how her skin would feel on his, how she would taste when he kissed her. What would make her whimper against his lips.

Breathing in deep, he shook his head. It was another lonely night. Walker would call soon, and he had to get himself in control.

He knew that deep down she still had feelings for August. How couldn’t she? They were married. She thought they would spend their whole lives together, only to find out that she married a crazy person. Yet he couldn’t understand why she let him fuck her.

And he couldn’t understand why he was jealous it wasn’t him who got to fuck her.

“Get a grip, Marshall.” He groaned to himself. 

He felt his phone buzz and smiled as he read his daughter’s name. Was it weird, that he seemed to talk to her more as he was far away?

“Hey Dad.” Faye smiled 

“Hey you. How was your math test?” He asked, making himself comfortable in his hotel bed.

He saw her make a face.

“Don’t know. Not feeling good about it. And I studied so much. God I hate school.” She groaned, making Walter almost chuckle.

“We will see. And hey one day you gonna miss school.”

“I highly doubt it.” She rolled her eyes.“Oh I have news!” She said excitedly.

“Do tell.” Walter smiled.

“Mom agreed that I can spend one week of the holidays with you.”

“That’s great. I have to check in with Walker first though, you know that.”

“I know. But… I wanna see you Dad.” Faye sighed.

“I wanna see you too, Munchkin. I need someone to take over Frozen duty for me. It’s all Evie talks about.” He shook his head.

“So… You and Walker… Do you like her Dad?” Faye asked, catching him off guard.

“Uhm… She’s a friend.” He said.

“But is she a friend or… a friend friend.” Faye wiggled her eyebrows, making Walter laugh.

“Missy, aren’t you a little young for talks like that.”

“I’m not…. I….” She pressed her eyes closed. “I kissed a boy today, Dad.” 

She opened only one eye to look into the camera, to see Walter’s reaction. Walter in the meantime was speechless. His first instinct was to freak out. Because his little innocent daughter got kissed by a boy and he wasn’t around. But the longer he thought about it, the prouder he was, Faye told him about it. So Walter sighed, seeing Faye open her eyes looking hesitantly at him.

“Do you like this boy?” Walter asked.

“I… really like him, Dad.”

He looked at his daughter. Who would turn 14 years old in only two months. He wanted to tell her that she knew nothing about liking someone, that she should go back to watching Frozen all day. But his little daughter was growing up. And much faster than he liked to admit.

“I wanna meet him when I’m back.” Walter said, watching as she breathed out in relief.

“I think you know him already. It’s Ethan….”

Smiling softly Walter ended the video chat with his daughter. He had to admit that it was kind of adorable seeing her have a crush on someone. Even if deep down he still wanted to check the boy out. She was right. He knew Ethan. Walter went to school with his parents, which was a plus, cause he knew they were good people. His phone buzzed again.

Still awake? A text from Walker.

Barely. He wrote back.

Can you talk to me until I fall asleep? She wrote back. Walter sighed, before he pressed the dial button.

Langley, Virginia, the same time

Hopeful, Walker stared at her phone screen. It was late, and she knew it, but somehow hearing Walter’s voice until she fell asleep was the only thing that kept her sane at the moment. She had gotten in bed with Evie until she was asleep and then busied herself with sorting out her office.

After the CIA basically took everything from her office after August was in her house, she now had nothing left other than her computer and some books. She knew right away what files had been missing when Miller sat her down in her living room.

Her dead husband was now on top of the most wanted list because the CIA suspected he was  planning to release anthrax. They just didn’t know where.

As soon as they found out they had sent a team to secure the scientist August had been searching for, only to find him gone from the facility he had been in for the last years.

She felt so guilty. Guilty for not noticing earlier that he had been there. Guilty for not stopping him. Guilty for not killing him. Guilty for enjoying his hands on her body. Guilty that she let it get that far.But mostly she felt guilty towards Walter.

He had stayed on the phone with her until Miller knocked on her door. Somehow Walter had informed him of what happened. She still didn’t know how. He was close to just canceling the boot camp to rush to her side. In a weird way she felt like she had cheated on him. Which was insane because he wasn’t more than just a friend to her. Probably the closest friend she had made in the last 10 years. And she didn’t even notice it.

Her phone buzzed, showing Walter calling. A smile sneaked to her face.

“Hey.” She answered.

“Hey yourself.” She couldn’t help but smile as she snuggled herself into her bed.

“How’s Evie?”

“Oh she’s fine. She actually painted something for you. I can send you a pic tomorrow.”

“That would be great.” There was a pause on his end of the line.

“How are you today?” He asked softly.

“I haven’t cried the whole day.” She chuckled. “The bruises are fading. At least the ones on my body. But I don’t want to talk about that today. Did Josh kick your ass?” She asked, making Walter groan.

“I can’t feel my arms anymore.”

Her phone was still in her hand when she woke up the next morning. It was saturday and she only woke up because someone was tickling her feet. Opening one eye she could see Evie hiding at the end of the bed, giggling as quietly as possible. Walker groaned as she turned to lay on her back, pretending to be still asleep. Through hooded eyes she could see Evie sneaking closer. And just before she could tickle her again, Walker pulled herself up, catching Evie by surprise. The girl shrieked as Walker put her arms around her and pulled her on top of her.

“Moooommy.” She giggled, making Walker smile.

“Good morning sweetie.” Walker yawned.

“I’m hungry.” Evie grinned.

“You’re always hungry.” Walker chuckled.

“Can we have pancakes? Like Walter’s?” She asked.

“With bananas and strawberries?” Walker asked. Evie nodded.

“I can do that. Go brush your teeth and I’ll be right down.” She said. Evie kissed her cheek, making Walker smile before she climbed down the bed. Walker looked after her daughter for a while before she got out of bed too. Stretching her muscles on her way to the bathroom, she sighed when she saw herself in the bathroom mirror. The bruises August left on her body were all gone, except for the bite on her shoulder. She could still see it every time she looked into the mirror. Pulling her shirt further up she leaned down to wash her face. 

Today she wouldn’t think of August. Today she would spend quality time with her daughter. And face time with her and Walter. Because Walker wasn’t the only one missing him. Evie was too.

unknown location, same day.

“We’re gonna touch down soon, better buckle up.” The man next to him said. A pilot August had paid to fly them to the other side of the country. He nodded at the man before he turned around and looked at the scientist who was sleeping peacefully as if nothing had happened in these last two weeks.

August looked out of the window into the dark sky. It was the middle of the night and he could see so many stars, he was reminded back to the night in Russia with Walker in the middle of nowhere. Walker.

He still couldn’t figure out what had gone wrong. That she wouldn’t welcome him back with open arms was a given, but using her safeword during sex? That had never happened. And they had done all kinds of kinky shit back in the day.

6 years ago, New York

“I won’t break August.” She smiled up at him.

“What makes you so sure of that?” August smirked, letting his hands wander up her thighs as she sat on top of him, already naked and so inviting.

“No one ever succeeded.”

“Well, you’ve never been dominated by me, haven’t you?” He smirked, his hands grabbing her perfect tits, squeezing them in his hands. They were the perfect size, her nipples poking against his hand.

“Mmmhh… yes.” She began to slowly roll her hips on top of him, and he could feel himself getting hard again. What was it about this woman that made him this aroused? Why did he care if he hurt her? Deep down August knew the answer, but he wasn’t ready to acknowledge it yet.

“What is your safe word?” He asked.

“I don’t have one.” She frowned, biting her lip as one of her hands sneaked in between her legs, playing with her clit. August was mesmerized by the sight in front of him.

“Then think of one. It could be anything. I will stop immediately once you say it. Promise.” 

“Hmm….” She sighed. He slowly pulled himself up, catching her left nipple in between his lips, nibbling on it.

“Glitter.” She breathed, closing her eyes.

“Glitter?” He asked against her skin, before he bit over the soft skin of her breast, making her moan loudly.

“Yes. Glitter is my safeword.”

Present day

In all the years they had been together she had never used her safe word. Not when he fingerfucked her under the table during one of her CIA meetings, and not when he had spanked her so hard, she couldn’t sit properly for three days.

But this? This was enough for her to call it? He couldn’t forget the look in her eyes as she sank down on the kitchen wall, tears in her eyes as she screamed at him to leave her be.  

The woman he loved seemed to have nothing but hate left for him. Had another man living with her and he still didn’t know who exactly he was. 

The woman he loved had no sign of him left in her life except their daughter who had no idea who he even was. 

His precious Evie.

The girl he gave up everything for. 

For her future.

The ground came closer as the plane approached landing. Looking behind him he caught the eyes of the scientist who now was awake before he looked up front again.

If everything went right, in only a few weeks he would be reunited with his daughter. Even if it meant getting rid of the woman he loved. 

-> Next chapter

[prettyboyswow]

The CEO pt. 2

Author’s Note: WOW!! I had no idea how many of you would want a part 2 for The CEO! I’m so glad you all liked modern! Tommy as much as I do! I’m thinking about making this into a 5+ part series, but let me know what you all think in the comments! Again, thank you all so much for your likes, reblogs, comments, messages, etc. It means the world to me to see all of your kind words!! I love y’all!

* flashbacks/texts are in bold and thoughts are in italics! *

Pairing: Modern!Thomas Shelby x fem!reader

Warning: none

Tags: @lucillethings @amirahiddleston @giowritess

The CEO Part 1

“What was that about,” Emmy raised her eyebrows in confusion, her head nudging in the direction of Mr. Shelby’s retreating form. 

“He was just wishing us a fun evening,” I cleared my throat, handing Macie her water before sitting back in the booth. I breifly glanced at Thomas, catching his eyes across the room. 

“Could we uh, could we dance after my friends have left,” I wet my lips, trying to look anywhere other than his icy blue eyes. From the corner of my eye I saw him furrow his brows ever so slightly before nodding. 

“That’s probably best,” He nodded, taking a small step away from me. “Come find me when you’re free.”

The conversation at the booth jumped from subject to subject, nothing really catching my attention. Tyler had placed his arm around my shoulders in a feeble attempt at flirting. However, my thoughts were consumed by Thomas Shelby, the most handsome man I’d ever seen. All I could think about was his proposal to dance. What did that even mean? He didn’t ask Emmy to dance. He didn’t ask Kyle, Jessica, or Macie either. As much as I wanted it to mean something, it most likely didn’t. The Shelby brothers had a reputation for being popular with the ladies. 

“(Y/N), you okay,” Jessica frowned, watching me over her beer. I straightened my shoulders, nodding slightly. “Mm, yeah. I’m just getting a little tired.”

The rest of the group nodded, Kyle checking his watch, “Yeah, It’s getting pretty late. Maybe we should head out.” 

Emmy stood, stumbling into Kyle’s strong arms, “As much as I hate to admit it, I think I’m drunk.” She giggled as Kyle grabbed her purse, making sure to keep a strong hold on her. Everyone filed out of the booth, grabbing their belongings and leaving a tip for our waitress. 

“You guys go ahead without me. I’m going to head to the bathroom and then catch a cab,” I straightened my dress out and wrapped my arms around myself. 

“Are you sure? I can stay with you,” Tyler looked me over, leaning his head to the side slightly. I nodded and gave a small smile, “I’m sure! I’ll be really quick and I’ll ask a security guard to stand with me while I catch a cab!” 

Just leave so I can dance with my super hot boss, please. Tyler only nodded in response as I hugged everyone goodbye. Once I had seen the last of my co-workers exit the club, I made my way to the bar. I ordered a fruity drink and sat on the nearest empty barstool. 

Okay, (Y/N), you can do this. You can find Thomas Shelby and dance the night away. No big deal. I mean, obviously he wants to be around me. He asked me to dance! I can do this.

I took a large sip of my drink through the bright pink straw before swivelling the barstool to face the rest of the club. Time to scope out Thomas Shelby. Before I had even started searching, I locked eyes with the blue eyed man who was standing a few feet away. He tipped his head slightly at me, watching my every movement. I beckoned him slightly with a nod of my head before turning back towards the bar. 

A moment later, a large, rough hand landed on my upper arm and a pair of lips lowered to my ear, “I think you owe me a dance.”

I grinned, nodding slowly as I turned my face to meet his, “I think you’re right, Mr. Shelby.”

I placed my empty glass on the counter before standing to meet him. He gave me his arm, allowing me to latch arms with him. I could feel my heart beating hard enough to jump out of my chest, praying that I didn’t make a fool of myself in front of him. 

“You don’t seem like the type of person who’d dance to club music, Mr. Shelby,” I let out a nervous laugh, trying not to trip over my own feet as we navigated our way through the crowd of dancing bodies. 

“I’m not,” he stopped in the middle of the dance floor and turned me in his arms. He placed one hand on my waist, the other lacing his fingers through my own. My cheeks flushed red as we stood swaying in the middle of the raving dance floor, our bodies almost flush against each other. 

We danced in silence for a while as I racked my brain to think of something, literally anything to say. His scent was intoxicating and I could feel his gaze on me like a ton of bricks.

The thing about Thomas Shelby was that he was gorgeous. Like super-model-melt-your-eyes kinda gorgous. Not only was he beautiful, he was incredibly smart. He spoke eloquently and intelligently. He captivated the attention of everyone he was around. He was charming, witty, and so mysterious. No one knew much about his private life, no matter how hard the tabloids tried to dig. He kept to himself and his close friends and family. 

All I wanted was a peak behind the curtain. Who was Thomas Shelby when no one else was around? What was his favorite food? When was the last time he cried? What was his favorite memory? His least favorite memory? Did he sleep with the TV on? How does he like his eggs cooked? 

As I stood lost in thought, Thomas pulled me closer, our chests touching ever so slightly, “You’re awfully quiet, aren’t you?”

“I’m just thinking,” my cheeks burned as I looked up to meet his glittering eyes. 

“About,” he questioned, laying our intertwined hands on his chest. 

“Just about this,” I gripped his hand a little tighter, “Why’d you ask me to dance?”

“Because I wanted to,” he said it so matter of factly that I decided to leave it, even though every bone in my body wanted to ask “why.” 

I nodded and chewed on the inside of my cheek, “Right.”

He let out a small chuckle, looking down at me with a tiny smirk on his chiseled face, “I asked you to dance because I think you’re interesting.”

I scrunched my nose up, giving him an incredulous look, “You think I’m interesting...?”

He nodded, moving his hand on my waist a little lower. “I do. You’re different.”

“Oh. Well, um, I think you’re interesting too, Mr. Shelby.”

“Call me Thomas,” his smirk only grew as he watched my cheeks blush. 

“Alright, Thomas. Call me (Y/N),” I gave him a weak smile, feeling myself grow more anxious under his gaze. 

“Alright, (Y/N),” he squeezed my hand ever so slightly before letting go of me entirely. “I need to get going.” He nodded towards his brothers who were loudly arguing with the bartender. 

I let out a laugh and nodded, “I think you’re right.” 

I took a step back and watched as he looked between myself and his brothers, “I enjoyed our dance. I’ll see you soon, (Y/N).”

And with that, he paced quickly to his brothers, grabbing them by the shoulders to get their attention. He shot me a quick smirk as he dragged them to the exit. 

Did that really just happen? Did I really just slow dance with Thomas Shelby?

—

It had been about 2 weeks since I had slow danced with Thomas at the club. Since then, I’d only seen him in passing around the office. We’d made eye contact a few times, and I’d caught him staring at me from across the room a handful of times. I was trying my best not to read too much into anything, especially since we hadn’t spoken since that night. However, my heart and hormones were totally in control in this situation and I couldn’t help but daydream about my beautiful boss.

I desperately wanted to speak to him, to be near him again. I hadn’t told anyone about what happened, not even Emmy. I didn’t want to get either of us in trouble, even if nothing really happened. I’m sure it’d be frowned upon for anything to happen between the two of us. He’s the CEO of the company and I work for him after all.

I was sitting in my car in the parking lot on my lunch break, scrolling through Instagram when I got a text from an unknown number.

When I opened the message, my heart nearly burst through my chest.

Unknown Number: (Y/N), it’s Thomas.

How did he get my phone number? Why was he texting me? Snap out of it and answer, girl!

Me: Hi, Thomas. How’d you get my phone number?

I waited for only a moment before my phone vibrates against my lap.

Thomas: Your application. I wanted to ask you for it, but I haven’t been able to speak to you lately. I just wanted to say I had a nice time the other night.

Me: Oh, I see. I had a nice time too. Thank you for the dance.

Thomas: I’m glad. I was wondering if you’d like to have dinner with me tomorrow night? I could pick you up around 7.

WHAT?! He wants to have dinner with me? Okay, focus, this could totally just be a work dinner.

Me: I’d love to, Thomas. Should I send my address, or did you sneak that from my application too?

I grinned as the three little bubbles appeared, disappeared, and reapppeard on my screen.

Thomas: You could send it to me so I feel less like a creep.

I let out a laugh, quickly typing my address out for him. A moment later, my phone vibrated with a notification.

Thomas: Great, I’ll see you tomorrow at 7 pm. Have a good day, (Y/N).

Me: You too, Thomas. See you tomorrow.

I quickly put my phone into my purse and made my way back into the sleek, modern building.

I can’t believe I’m going on a date with my boss. Is this a date? Do I want it to be a date?

—

I stood in front of my mirror, zipping up the blush colored dress I had bought specifically for tonight. My hair was curled into loose waves and my makeup was light and natural. I didn’t want to look like I was trying too hard, or like I thought this was anything more than a casual meeting. For all I know, he was going to tell me I was a terrible employee and fire me on the spot. I mean, it was highly unlikely but not impossible.

I checked my phone every few minutes, checking the time and for any texts from Thomas. So far, nothing. It was only 6:37, but I was pacing around my apartment like a crazed woman.

My phone vibrated with a text from Thomas, making my heart jump to my throat.

Thomas: On my way. I’m excited to see you.

Oh my God...breathe (Y/N)!!!

Me: Ditto!

Ditto? DITTO??? What am I even doing? He’s going to think I’m some weirdo.

I sat on my couch, huffing as I watched the three dots disappear from the screen. I closed my eyes and tried to take deep, relaxing breaths.

There is nothing for me to worry about. He’s my boss. I’m his employee. This is a business dinner. I need to calm down! He’s human just like I am.

A knock at my front door jolted me from my thoughts. I quickly stood, running my hands over my wrinkled dress before making my way to the door. I looked through the peep hole to see Thomas standing in a nice black suit. He looked as gorgeous as ever. I unlocked the door and swung it open to see him smiling at me.

“You look beautiful, (Y/N),” he gave me his arm to take. I quickly shut and locked the door behind me, taking his arm to walk back down the hall.

“Thank you. You look beautiful too,” I bit the inside of my cheek as he let out a small chuckle and a “thank you.”

“So, where are we going,” I questioned as we stepped into the elevator, watching as he pressed the button for the first floor.

“It’s a surprise,” he looked down at me, letting his eyes scan over my appearance. His gaze was so intense I turned my head back to the elevator doors, “Good thing I like surprises.”

—

AUTHORS NOTE: sorry for the wait yall!! Please let me know what you think and if there should be/you want another part!! I love reading your comments! ❤️

[itrocloud]

Remember Me [Leo X Reader]

“Remember me, though I have to say goodbye, Remember me, don’t let it make you cry.”

Sitting on the balcony of your apartment, you let out a miserable sigh. You couldn’t even sleep from how much worry was flooding your mind. You stared out at the moon before your eyes trailed around the city, somewhat loving how the moon’s light made it all glow.

Leonardo left with his brothers to face the Shredder, and you were overwhelmed with anxiety. What if he got hurt? What if he got lost? Or worse, what if he never made it back? You didn’t want to think about it, but thats all you could think about. You had every right to worry, but before Leo left, the first thing he told you was to not worry.

“For even if I’m far away, I hold you in my heart. I sing a secret song to you each night we are apart.”

Your mind trailed off to just him instead of him on his mission. You remembered all the wonderful times you shared together. Being dorks over Space Heroes, fighting for the last slice of pizza, and even training together. You had the best life with Leonardo, and now you weren’t sure if you’d ever see him again.

Your eyes widened when you remembered a certain tune that the turtle had wrote for you. It was short, but very sweet, heart touching even. You remembered every lyric, because that breathtaking voice he had simply couldn’t be forgotten. You recited the song in your head, imagining him there with you right now.

“Remember me, though I have to travel far, Remember me each time you hear a sad guitar.”

The memory of Leo sitting in front of you, his face flushed from embarrassment made you smile. He sat there with his guitar he snagged from the trash. It was old and beaten up, but Leo really wanted to use it, so he had Donnie fix it up for him so it played like brand new!

He strummed the strings, creating a soft soothing melody. He looked back up at you once more, an absolutely adorable smile covering his face. He brought his attention back down to the guitar and played it, a beautiful tune coming from it. After a moment of that, he opened his mouth to sing.

The vocals, the melody, him...! It was extraordinary! You were lost in his voice, your heart melting and your soul rising. You were blown away by his performance. It all went by so quick though, but once he was done you awarded him with applause.

“That was beautiful, Leo!!” You cheered, making him smile sheepishly. “You really liked it?” He asked, red still dusting his face. You nodded frantically, a huge grin plastered on your face. “Where did you learn to play guitar so well? And when did you learn how to sing?” You bombarded him with questions, but only out of love and amazement.

“I just... kinda taught myself?” He chuckled, scratching the back of his head. “But I’m glad you liked it.” He smiled, definitely planning to perform more for you in the future. Anything to see that happy smile across your face. He really felt like he did something right, something to make you happy. Little did he know, everything he did make you happy.

Your flashback finished, leaving you back in the real world. Your heart dropped once again, but you quickly shut all those negative feelings out. You had to stay strong for Leo, and of course, to always remember him. Just like he sang about.

“Know that I’m with you the only way that I can be... until you’re in my arms again. Remember me...”

You made your way back into your apartment, leaving your door open to let the nice cool breeze of the fall in. You sat on your bed, eyes fixated on your phone, scrolling through social media and chatting with friends. Your eyelids began feeling heavy, and that was your cue to go to bed.

Before you even had a chance to put your phone away and crawl under your warm covers, you heard a small knock on the glass of your door. Your head snapped into that direction, a little startled by the sound. You’re mouth dropped when you saw who was waiting on the outside.

There he was, Leonardo Hamato, just smiling away as he was crouched on the balcony. “Hello, Y/n.“ He spoke. “Did you miss me?” He chuckled, watching you run towards him with excitement. “L-Leo!” You cried in joy. He slid off the edge of the balcony and stood in front of you. You pulled him into a tight hug, almost sobbing at the sight of him.

He returned your embrace, and quietly said, “I’m home, Y/n. I’m home.”

—

END NOTE;

sorry if this looks kinda wonky, i copied and pasted it from my notes onto tumblr because i seem to write better up there— but here we are! another tmnt fic after so long. this time for leo because i love him so much! i kind of fell out of the tmnt fandom for a while but somehow got thrown back in so here i am! hope you enjoyed this, i stayed in bed writing this after visiting my boyfriend because i was in a good mood :> for anyone wondering, the song is from the movie coco! its a really good movie and song and i wanted to make this <3 if this has been done before i apologize, i do not mean to steal anyones idea. i did see something similar to this for a different fandom and kind of wanted to make my own version. everyone have a lovely night! please excuse any typos/spelling errors/grammar mistakes.

[bbnibini]

PSISLY: An Obey Me!CYOA – forty-four🔖

{ OPEN STATUS : YES

> approved > displaying capture targets

Mammon : 100♡/100♡ Satan: 85♡/100♡ Barbatos: 0♡/100♡ Lucifer: 5♡/100♡

CLOSE STATUS : YES >approved }

You wondered where it all went wrong.

Everything had been perfect since you discovered the identity of your secret admirer. Uncovering sides of Mammon that perhaps he wasn't even aware of himself, you spent a lot of time getting to know each other, marveling at every new thing you discovered about him. You kept his love-filled words close to your heart, lingering there at times when you felt lost and perhaps even unloved. His penned words were beautiful yet poignant, hopeful yet deep which, you have eventually discovered reflected so much of Mammon himself. He often rebuffed your praises, perhaps shy of your careful observations. There would always be a blush there dusting his cheeks, colouring itself in deeper shades at every sneaky kiss. You always liked those nights when you talk about anything that pops out of your minds, and you thought he liked them too. But now, you were starting to feel doubt.

"Mammon, I didn't mean to--"

He turned away from you and covered his face with both of his hands. "This ai-- this won't…" he hesitated. "It will never work between us."

How did it come to this?

💌💌💌

Flashback to this morning when it all started.

"Mammon?" you couldn't help but reach out to him, your hand touching his cheek. ' Didn't the spell work?' you thought to yourself as you heard him stutter a 'Yes', kissing your inner palms.

"Is something amiss, my love? You look like you've seen a ghost."

So it didn't work?

You shook your head and let your hand rest on his cheek. "No…I was just wondering if you wanted to sleep some more."

Why is he still acting like this?

"If I sleep now, then it would ruin yesterday's efforts." he fiddled with something in his DDD--his email app; showing two booked tickets to Devil's Coast. Signs of the old Mammon showed in his boyish grin. "And all it took was covering for an acquaintance's shift."

"Is that why you're there yesterday?"

Mammon smiled shyly. "Yes…I wanted to surprise you. Is it too early to celebrate the conclusion of our final exams?"

You couldn't help but smile back. You planted a kiss on his lips which he happily received. "Very early. But this is a nice change of pace before Armageddon."

"Ain't that the--" he cleared his throat and quickly corrected himself. "Very true. Once this weekend is over, we are back to our old, monotonous routines."

You weren't imagining it. Something about his graceful movements really did seem off. "I'm looking forward to it!" Then again, you supposed there was a reason behind this. You decided to humour him and pretend you haven't noticed anything. "Let me wash up first and we can grab something to eat?"

"That sounds lovely."

Hoping your feigned smile wouldn't betray you, you shut the bathroom door and quickly opened your DDD to text Satan.

You looked at your own reflection in the mirror and nodded to yourself. Turtleneck it is. You learned your lesson the last time. A mixture of Mammon's toiletries and yours were in the bathroom, making you remember how he was trying his best to hide his excitement from invading half of your space the first time you talked about sharing a room. Not like his room was safe from your own stuff too--it just so happens that he likes hanging around your room lately because of how busy you were. He usually finishes his council duties early and tries (read: tried) to help you with yours, until both of you immediately realise that his bystanding was the best help he could offer. Any pouting from his side was placated with hugs and kisses, words of love he was too shy to say back and a loving gaze he couldn't help but give you when he thought you wouldn't notice. He still isn't the most honest demon when it comes to expressing his feelings, but you can see that he was trying. You just hoped that his recent gentlemanly behaviour is also a part of his trials and he isn't involved in anything dangerous.

Letting go of your nostalgia and embracing the present back in your thoughts, you wondered about the sound of shattering glass from outside. There you saw a flustered Mammon picking up the shards of what looked like Lucifer's china with his bare hands--his gentlemanly facade was nowhere to be seen.

"Mammon, no! Put that down. You'll injure yourself!" you cried, responding on instinct to take his hands into yours, throwing the shards back to the floor in the process. You snuck a look at Mammon and saw his troubled expression, bitten lips you usually noticed when he wasn't having the best kind of thoughts---or you simply dubbed as sad Mammon upon discovering it one drunken, wild and passionate night. You couldn't smell any alcohol on him this time though so you wondered what caused him to look this way.

"I'm fine…" Gentlemammon was back, albeit with a shaky voice. "Please don't worry, I still have to clean this up."

"Let me help you."

"It will heal quickly even if I get injured. There is nothing to worry about." he assured you, keeping your warning in mind, only to take it back once he saw your worried look. "I will wear gloves this time," he said as he hastily placed each pair on, a small smile forming his lips as he did so. "There, you see? I will be fine. So please step back now and I'll do it myself."

"What were you doing anyway?"

Mammon avoided eye contact. "I wanted to serve you breakfast in bed."

"That's very sweet but, you shouldn't push yourself too hard."

Silence. He continued picking up the shards, disposing of it in a trash bag nearby. "I want to push myself." You heard him sigh. "However, I suppose it's my mistake to assume I can carry this out without failure. Can I try again though?"

You didn't have the heart to reject him especially if he looked like a kicked puppy right now. "Of course! But I want to eat with you."

A compromise that he was willing to adhere to. The pancakes he made were slightly charred and oddly spicy. The Melancholy Coffee™ you praised him for making the other day tasted even worse---unpleasantly bitter that if you didn't attribute its strong, bitter taste to Mammon's love for you would have caused a gagging reflex. A feigned smile was painted on your face for the rest of breakfast, making mental notes to take stomach medicine once he is out of sight. You comforted yourself with the fact that you had a date with him today. The bitterness subsided a bit with your early morning daydreams.

Satan had been a wonderful accomplice. With his intervention, Mammon avoided bumping into anyone, thus making his situation a lot  less complicated. The avatr of wrath gave you a conspiratory smile and a wink, mouthing you well wishes for your day by your lover's side to go smoothly. You nodded and mouthed back at him a  thanks in reply. Your back and forth didn't escape notice however. You avoided Mammon's sensible questioning with a clueless smile.

"I haven't seen even Beelzebub at the dining area today. Is everyone but Satan asleep?"

Smile.

"I was going to pay back Leviathan for the money I owed him this morning. I wonder why he isn't around today…"

He will pay back?! Smile

"I wonder how my dear eldest brother Lucifer is doing--"

S-smile…

"As I thought, perhaps expecting change from me is unsightly. I'm sorry if I'm wasting your weekend by asking you out out of the blue…"

Smi--

"Wait, no!" you held him by his face and vehemently denied his claims. "I love you, Mammon! I'm looking forward to today as you are!"

Blush.

Your faces resembled tomatoes. Satan had to clear his throat to remind both of you of his presence.

"If you flirt any longer, you'll miss your bus."

"R-right…" you looked away.

"Certainly." Mammon stuttered. You felt a hand reaching out for yours, turning to Mammon who had a bashful smile. You smiled back and interlocked your fingers together.

The ride to the amusement park was awkward yet pleasant. You saw cracks in his facade a couple of times, familiar with the reluctance on his movements unlike his odd and almost unsettling finesse at the cafe. You still weren't sure if he really is still under a curse or not, or if he is and it was weakening every moment, but you decided to wait for him to address it on his own. You have recently learned that Mammon gets really flustered if you pay attention to him (bordering almost on timidity) and loses his will/drive if you let him know that you are aware of him. A few pillow talks ago, he admitted it was because he only wanted to show you his cool sides, to which you answered (with much confusion), "But you're always cool though?" and he responded with his usual remarks, ranging from "idiot" to his classic "weirdo"™. Today, much like yesterday however, there was none of that. Instead, he called you several affectionate pet names, and even bashfully shared some snacks with you that he usually considered as "indirect kiss territory", which is Mammon Code for "I ain't doin' this cos I like it, kay?" which totally meant that he was doing it because he liked the heck out of it.

"Hey Mammon," you looked at his reflection from your window seat as you spoke. "Why did you write me a letter?"

You saw him blush an adorable shade of red from the window. "What's with the sudden question?"

"I was just curious," you answered. "I didn't know you could write so well."

"I-is that so…"

"I really appreciate it, although you might be tired of hearing it already."

"...."

"I'm so glad you sent it to me. To be honest, I was beginning to wonder if anyone will ever remember me once I go back to the human world." you remembered your first interaction with him and laughed. "We didn't have the best first impression of each other, didn't we?"

"...I should have treated you better."

You leaned your head on his shoulder and kissed his cheek, looking up to meet his eyes. "You're doing it now and that's what matters."

You sensed sadness in his eyes for a fraction of a second before the conductor announced your stop. You must have imagined it.

💌💌💌

"Wahhh! Mammon, look! Look! Is that Red Devil?! Kyaaaa he's so cuuuute!!"

"O-oi, don't pull-- I mean…Cease! Cease!"

You couldn't help it! There was so much to see everywhere! The crowded theme park was filled with all kinds of attractions at every direction that any child or child-at-heart would definitely enjoy. Taking a photo with the park's mascot, Red Devil is one of the first activities you have done from your many planned ones on your date. Your contagious enthusiasm had infected him that by the time he realised he was grinning at every picture, it was too late. He looked oddly disturbed but you only laughed it off and reassured him that the shots were great!

"It isn't...after all, I'm--"

"Mammon?"

"It's nothing." You were beginning to feel bad for dragging him along.

"Is everything okay?" he suddenly turned pale and you asked him to sit down. "Do you want to take a break?"

He declined your offer and shook his head. "I'm fine. Let's continue our date, shall we?"

Eh?

That pose…

"The Devilish Duke?"

It was definitely the Devilish Duke from the manga adaptation of Emison Beckstein's timeless classic, The Emerald-Eyed Earl. The Devilish Duke was the protagonist's fiancé and was a minor villain in the story. He became hugely popular because of the success of the manga adaptation as well as the artist's interpretation of his design. You couldn't help but mention it right now because Mammon was currently mimicking the Duke's infamous "courtship pose", which many otakus credit for being the very first ever "kabedon".

Mammon's eyes widened once you mentioned his name and quickly pulled away. He dragged you gently to the next attraction before you could say a word.

His odd behaviour only persisted as your date went on-- a kiss on your hand near the fountains, like what Senpai-San did to Shujinko-chan in Heartbeat Memorial: My First Love, Please Notice Me Or I Will Spontaneously Combust! ; a reiteration of an infamous line from a popular otome game, Mystery Message Delivery in the ferris wheel, as well as a kiss at its top, just like Mary Sue and Gary Stu from the popular Devildom Drama, I'm a Powerful Demon But I Fell in Love with a Human?. If you weren't familiar with the references, your heart must have already given out the first time he attempted those moves at you, but since you were aware of where they're from, you couldn't help but think it was cute instead. He must have done his own research to make you happy, but it was a failure on his part to not realise that you would have been happy even if he didn't go out of his way. Then again, it was pretty unfair to complain because anything Mammon did in your own biased eyes was precious and adorable.

"I love you, Mammon." you muttered loud enough for him to hear while you were in line for the Devil's Teacups . He must have heard it because he squeezed your hand tighter as you waited.

There were still times when he persisted on keeping his Gentlemammon™ facade, much like when he declined going to the horror house with you, only for you to find out he wanted to turn you down in the first  because he wasn't very good with ghosts (You had to wait for him to defrost after turning into a literal ice sculpture when one of the ghosts grabbed him by the ankle). He also swore not to let you ride "rigorous rides", but finally let his hair down and rode all of your favourite thrill rides with his usual energy and cheer. By the time he realised this, both of you were lining up for the March of Death for the third time. You learned your lesson already and didn't make a fuss about his tiny revelation. Instead, you held him by the arm and smiled at him. "It's fun, isn't it?" Mammon looked shocked at first, but as he sighed and finally replied, you noticed he was back to his usual self.  "It certainly is." Your heart immediately deflated at his answer, but more than anything, you couldn't help but be disappointed in yourself.

He had his guard up for the rest of your date and you didn't know why. It seemed like he was forcing himself. The sun was starting to set, and the bus home had been terribly late so you had a lot of time to contemplate while waiting for it to come. Mammon had been silent, looking up at the sky as if searching for something far away. You didn't want him to wander too far so you pulled him back.

"Why have you been acting weird since yesterday. What's wrong?" you couldn't help it. You have finally ran out of patience and you're starting to take his unusual behaviour personally, which you know deep down was unfair especially with how he went out of his way today.

Mammon looked taken aback, frowning once he processed your words. "What do you mean?"

"That. Why…why are you doing that?"

"..."

When he didn't answer, you finally aired out the thoughts weighing you down. "I didn't want to ask you because I wanted you to say it first, I'm sorry. Was it because of what I said last night?"

He called your name, sounding hurt. "Do you not like it?"

You shook your head. "I meant it when I said I don't like it, you know. And I mean it in the best way!" You held him by the hand and placed it close to your chest, hoping your beating heart was already telling. "I prefer the real you."

"Do you really mean that?"

You nodded again. "I even consulted Satan yesterday to undo your curse. You...you were cursed, weren't you?"

"So it was you."

What?

"Mammon,what's going on?" What did he mean by that? You started to worry.

However, despite your repetitions, Mammon didn't answer. Instead, he only looked at you guiltily. At some point, he held your hand back with his trembling ones. He needs time, you thought to yourself and kissed his knuckles, not saying a word. Eventually, your patience was rewarded.

"...I asked the witches to curse me."

You quietly urged him to continue speaking. "I just wanted this date to be perfect, y'know? Don't wanna screw it up. I always do.

.

.

.

.

.

Now don't look at me like that. It's unfair. Ya say one thing but mean another. Even you are sick and tired of me, yeah?"

What…

.

.

.

.

.

When did you ever say that?!

It hurt. It hurts to think that Mammon ever thought you'd think of him that way. You thought you had been a wonderful lover to him, always showering him with affection and treasuring every moment you shared together. You thought he knew how much he mattered to you, but it turns out you weren't expressing yourself enough and he assumed you were lying to yourself.

"I…I never…"

Crap. Now, you can't even see him clearly. Stupid tears. You felt him wiping your eyes at every tear shed, muttering apologies as he gently held you in his arms. "Shit! I didn't mean to make ya cry. Fuck, this is why I'm such a screw up! If I coulda stayed cursed for a while longer, you'd never cry like this!"

"Mammon…I love you." you repeated those words again and again until you were satisfied. "Didn't I tell you? I love you for who you are and what you are that I have eventually found out on my own."

He didn't speak after what you said, instead he pulled you away from the hug. Despite feeling disheartened, you continued to speak. "Mammon, I don't care how long it takes for you to accept that you are all of the things I tell you. If I can lend you my eyes so you can see what kind of wonderful demon I'm seeing whenever I look at you, I'd do so in a heartbeat. I love you."

You thought this would placate him, but instead, he sneered. "Which part of me do you actually love?"

"Everything!" you answered. "I love that there is so much more to you than meets the eye---I feel thankful every day that I have been privy to see that sweet and sincere side of you, especially in your letter. True, I did not feel that way at first, but the letter, oh Mammon. I fell in love with you upon reading its first passages! No one had ever said such precious words to me in my life, so I wanted to do the same for you."

"In the end, it's always that stupid letter."

"Excuse me?"

"IT'S ALWAYS THAT STUPID FUCKING LETTER!" he shouted, immediately regretting his outburst once he saw the hurt look on your face. However hurt you looked as the truth was spoken to you, he pressed on and twisted the knife even further. If a sweet memory is a calm before your inevitable storm (read: breakup), it was better to at least tell you the truth.

"I can't see it. I can't see that wonderful demon you're always talking about---the one who wrote that letter to you." The sunset dyed his silver hair orange. "I tried seeing him. Maybe it's me who's the problem, y'know? You kept on telling me I'm all these amazin' things, but I just couldn't. All I see is...me."

"Mammon."

"You said I was sincere, but I don't remember bein' sincere at all when I was writin' that stupid thing, so I tried to be even if I was bad at it. You said I was thoughtful so I tried to be, but look at where that thoughtfulness went---tears on your fucking face." he laughed bitterly. "I'm an absolute saint, aren't I?"

"...I really meant it you know?"

" 'Course you do. That's fer sure. But lovin' a scum means he's still scum. You deserve better, and I can't give that to ya."

"But Mammon…I only want you."

Mammon's bitter smile never left his face. "Do ya really? Or do you want the Mammon who wrote you the letter?"

!!!

"See? I gotcha, didn't I?"

You don't understand. What did he get that you didn't? You love Mammon, that was the truth. You did not love him, and weren't even aware of him at first, but the letter he sent to your locker changed that. It was a catalyst for finally seeing him in a completely different light. What was the difference between the Mammon who wrote the letter to the Mammon in front of you in the first place? Aren't they one and the same? Was he joking right now? Because you certainly weren't laughing.

However many thoughts were racing in your mind right now, only three words seem to come out of you.

"I love you," and every utterance only brought more tears in your eyes, afraid of the possibility that Mammon must have been feeling the same way right now.

You were tired. Tired of explaining it to him, tired of reassuring him that he was fine the way he is. Every 'I love you' was like a dagger to your heart, growing conscious of the fact that both of you may feel the same way, but both of your feelings weren't reaching each other at all.

In your exasperation, you couldn't help but finally say,

"I don't want this anymore."

You wondered where it all went wrong.

Everything had been perfect since you discovered the identity of your secret admirer. Uncovering sides of Mammon that perhaps he wasn't even aware of himself, you spent a lot of time getting to know each other, marveling at every new thing you discovered about him. You kept his love-filled words close to your heart, lingering there at times when you felt lost and perhaps even unloved. His penned words were beautiful yet poignant, hopeful yet deep which, you have eventually discovered reflected so much of Mammon himself. He often rebuffed your praises, perhaps shy of your careful observations. There would always be a blush there dusting his cheeks, colouring itself in deeper shades at every sneaky kiss. You always liked those nights when you talk about anything that pops out of your minds, and you thought he liked them too. But now, you were starting to feel doubt.

"Mammon, I didn't mean to--"

He turned away from you and covered his face with both of his hands. "This ai-- this won't…" he hesitated. "It will never work between us."

*beep!*

"Get on first. I'll catch up with ya."

"...okay."

How did it come to this?

💌💌💌

You didn't know how you were able to get home that night. You couldn't even remember the people you spoke to before you went back to your room. The side of your bed was empty of Mammon as well as your heart.

You didn't realise that you hurt him. You might have meant well and were even truthful of your affections for him, but the truth still laid there, mocking you in the face--you were idealising him. You thought you knew him by a few reads of the scented passages of his letter, that you refused to see him for who he really is. Oh, what a hypocrite you are.

His question continued to linger in your mind as you retrieved the said letter from your drawer. You didn't have the heart to read what it says anymore.

Why does it matter? It's all over.

Thinking in that vein, you sighted the gas lamp near your table and started entertaining darker thoughts.

Why not just forget about everything?

[ What will you do? ]

💌Burn the letter

💌Hesitate

💌masterlist

[remingt0nleith]

thorns | remington leith

try & find the hidden palaye royale song title in the fic! & additional A/N at the end. 

A/N: hi wow long time no write :( SORRY! I have ideas and I try to write then my brain just doesn’t want to put the ideas on the word document. + y’know having depression doesn’t help things bleh... BUT I did write a full something finally (yay bare minimum author things!) This was requested! gonna keep trying to turn out requests & work on dark cherries also my birthday is on thursday and i’m turning 24 (wow im getting old help) & also the bastards comes out the day after so yay! lets chat about it when its out ok?

Request: Where Remington cheats on the reader and she finds out, but he does everything he can to get her back? 

Thorns - A Remington Leith one-shot. || 1.9K words || under cut.

The catalyst for a ruined night came in a round of shots. Emerson poured the amber liquid into hot pink shot glasses that the boys had picked up days prior. Remington wasted no time in downing his, barely flinching at the bitter taste that now coated his tongue. 

“Slow down there, cowboy” 

Sebastian laughed before throwing his own shot back, placing a hand on Remington’s cheetah print covered shoulder.

“We can’t have our lead singer fucked up out of his mind, can we?” 

The eldest brother chided playfully as he took the bottle from Emerson and poured more shots.

As the brothers drank and talked anxiously about their first show of a new tour, Remington’s phone buzzed in his back pocket, taking it out he suppressed an eye-roll at the message filling his screen;

My Love <3: HEY BABY JUST WANT TO WISH U LUCK TONIGHT YOU’LL KILL IT. LOVE U. 

He wasn’t sure what had gotten into him lately, usually, he’d be thrilled at the love and adoration his girlfriend of three years was showing him. She was always cheering him on, listening to his music, and supporting his band in every way she could. Although she was unable to come to most shows due to a fast-paced work schedule she always made a point to let the band of brothers know they had her support. That should’ve been enough to keep Remington happy but recently he had become cold towards his girlfriend and as he put his phone away without responding all thoughts of her disappeared as well. 

Remington headed backstage after the show still high from the performance. The adrenaline from the encouraging crowd and kick-ass concert his band delivered had Remington feeling happier than he had in months. Once in the dressing room, the boys quickly changed out of their sweaty stage attire into more relaxed outfits, and like clockwork, shots were once again being handed out.

Once everyone had a decent buzz going the boys and their crew headed out to a nearby nightclub to celebrate the success of the show. Remington realized halfway to the club that he had forgotten his phone in the dressing room, a fact that didn’t phase him, in fact he was happy to be rid of the constant ringing. 

Once inside the packed club, Remington waved goodbye to his brothers and made his way to the bar.  His buzz had diminished slightly in the car ride and that was a no go for Remington so he ordered a drink, which quickly became two, then three before he headed to the dance floor. 

Packed in a sea of bodies the singer danced to the music, enjoying the happiness that came from the night’s events as well as the alcohol in his system. When a manicured hand grabbed him and pulled him close, he didn’t object, instead, he wrapped his arms around the dark-haired beauty. 

The pair danced together to the techno music blaring overhead, strobe lights illuminating their faces, hands roaming freely over each other’s bodies before the woman leaned in and planted a sloppy kiss to Remington’s lips. 

If there was a moment of panic, a spark of recognition somewhere in the sober part of his mind, Remington ignored it. Instead, he deepened the kiss with the gorgeous stranger, when the pair eventually pulled away from the kiss, they headed to the bar for more drinks. 

When Sebastian came to let Remington know it was time to head to the hotel, the frontman wasted no time in asking this new girl if she’d like to go with him. Much to the dismay of the older (and wiser) brother, she said yes and everyone piled into the van and were chauffeured back to the hotel to continue the party. 

Morning light filtered through the window a sign of a new day, but as Remington opened his eyes the gravity of last night hit him. He was alone in his hotel bed, the white sheets crumpled and covered in streaks of makeup (his or hers, he wasn’t sure). Flashbacks of last night filled his mind and all at once he realized the hickeys on his body were from a stranger, the realization filled him with shame and dread. 

He found his phone which had been placed on his nightstand by one of his brothers or their touring manager (who always cleaned up after the boys’ wild nights) and on it were several unread texts and calls which came in at varying points of the evening. 

[9:13 pm] My Love <3: It should be time for u boys to be on stage! I’ll be stalking twitter for updates and vids love u 

[12:02 am] My Love <3: Watched a ton of vids that are already being posted! Get back to me when u get this my love so proud of u xx 

[3:56 am] My Love <3: Guess your phone died or your out celebrating a great night. Call me when you see this or wake up. I love you. 

[10:20 am] 5 missed calls

[10:27 am] *attached photo* REMINGTON.... FUCK YOU.

The photo on his phone screen displayed the girl from last night under the covers as a passed out Remington slept beside her. The caption didn’t say anything besides a winking emoji and she tagged him and his band’s account. 

Instantly, he was dialing his girlfriend’s number, hands shaking as he paced around the spacious hotel room desperately waiting for an answer.

“Hello?” 

Rose answered, soft voice hoarse from hours of crying. 

“Fuck, I’m so sorry..” 

Remington started to explain, words tumbling out of his mouth faster than he could form them.

“Save it” 

Rose snapped before continuing her voice harder and more assured now than it was just moments ago. 

“I never thought you’d do this even as the band started to gain an audience, I told myself that I had nothing to worry about. All the pretty girls and boys didn’t matter because what we had was strong but it sucks being proven wrong huh?” 

Remington’s sudden surge of tears prevented him from speaking as the pain in his chest grew with each word. The saddest part of it all was that she was right and that ripped him up inside. 

“Rose I-” 

he whispered, voice barely audible even to himself. 

Instead of an answer he was left hearing the sound of the call disconnecting. 

The tour passed by in a daze for Remington and while his brothers desperately wanted him to be more present, they understood. He’d get on stage and sing, forgetting about the pain in his heart for that hour or so, as soon as the curtain closed the ache in his chest was back, a cruel reminder to the life-changing mistake he’d made.

Rose had cut off all contact with her now ex-boyfriend instead choosing to go through Emerson to inform him she was moving out of their shared apartment in LA. 

Each night in his hotel bed, memories of the past three years filtered through his brain until he exhaustingly cried himself to sleep. 

Remington used Emerson’s phone to send a series of texts to Rose to apologize, to accept full responsibility but the only reply he received was instructions to give Emerson his phone back and to leave her alone.

Just as quickly as the tour started it was now coming to a close a few months later. The boys were back in LA for a sold-out show in typical Los Angeles fashion. Remington never stopped trying to get ahold of Rose -- he sent flowers to her new address, letters where he begged for her back, apologizing and pleading for her forgiveness yet he was never awarded a reply. He didn’t blame her at all but that didn’t mean the pain hurt any less, he’d do anything for a second chance. 

Shots of vodka were taken, cheers and high fives were given and the boys hit the stage.  Remington gazed out into the crowd, a see of silhouettes behind bright stage lights.  After a few songs, Remington sat down at the end of the stage, dark boots quietly thumping against the side. 

“Y’know fans like to think we’re perfect” 

he stated which earned a chorus of “I love you’s” as well as cheers from the crowd. 

He smiled before continuing, 

“As much as I love to hear it, it’s not true and sometimes we royally fuck up. I fucked up and these past few months have been hell so I wrote this song.”

The crowd applauded as they watched their favorite singer head to the piano, the spotlight shining on him as he sat down. 

“This song is called Thorns,” 

Remington began to play a hauntingly slow ballad about losing the love of your life and how apart of you is lost as well. 

The pain in my heart is defeating me

Cracking me open for all to see

I’m numb to life, deep inside

Needing you to realize, you’re the better part of me

An illusion of love is what I fear

Taking each step is now unclear

A rose garden in my dreams,

You leaving now in front of me

Take my heart it’s filled with thorns

A rose trapped inside a perfect storm

Throw me to the wolves I’m on my knees

Begging for my rose to please believe

I made a mistake that I can see

Yet this pain without you is deafening

My heart of thorns cuts me deep 

Paralyzing me and making me weak

Please my rose I beg you, have sympathy.

The rose garden in my dreams,

But you’re leaving right now in front of me

Take my heart it’s filled with thorns

A rose trapped inside a perfect storm

Throw me to the wolves I’m on my knees

Begging my rose to please believe 

I love you Rose it’s all I know, I’m sorry for all my sorrow

By the time the song ended, Remington had tears blurring his vision. He was so wrapped up in playing the song he didn’t realize he had started to cry but to the audience that just made it so much more beautiful. 

After the show, Remington hurried off the stage in order to collect his emotions but in the dressing room sat Rose. Her blonde hair was curled and she wore a red dress and in a true movie moment a dozen roses sat in her lap. 

“Rem that song…” 

she started but before she could finish, Remington ran over and threw his arms around her, hugging her to make sure she wasn’t just a figment of his imagination.

“I’m so sorry”

he whispered once she hugged back. 

“The flowers were from Seb” 

Rose mumbled, green eyes flicking down to them after their hug. Sebastian must have ordered them because he knew what Remington was planning. That was his older brother alright, always playing the papa bear role. 

The singer’s mind was racing a mile a minute, he had a million questions but all he could do was apologize. 

Rose shushed him with a chaste kiss before speaking,

“By no means have I forgiven you completely. That song however beautiful doesn’t make everything go away but I’m willing to work on us”

Remington nodded, happy she was here and willing to give their relationship another shot.

“I’m willing to do whatever it takes,” 

he whispered, wrapping her in another hug.

They knew it would be a long road to get back to where they were before but Remington was happy he had his Rose back in his life. 

xx

A/N: omg that song was not that good I came up with it on my own though and I’m not a lyricist lol hope u enjoyed xx 

[loveactionsspeaklouder]

dangerous love - erling haaland & jadon sancho fanfic

Part 3 – Ending

When Grace was six, she watched a film with her older brother. The film wasn’t known for being scary but it had elements in it that put a horrible feeling in her stomach, she knew that it was a situation that she never wanted to find herself in. Little did she know, fourteen years later she would find herself having to deal with the aftermath. She had found herself at Erling’s house; just the two of them, alone and talking about their issues.

But they weren’t alone for long.

Just before Erling had the chance to kiss Grace, they were interrupted by strange voices from downstairs. The footsteps were noisier as they moved closer towards the room the two ex-lovers were in; the voices became deafening, the breathes became heavier, the screams became louder.

Grace was terrified. She had never been in this position before, she was just glad that she had Erling with her. Her cheeks were bright red from all the crying, she had lost count of all the bruises and scratches that now covered her dainty body. She didn’t know how long they had been in the room, but she was praying that it was almost over.

-

Fourteen days on and Grace still wasn’t feeling herself, most nights she would cry herself to sleep. She had excused herself from work, she didn’t know how long she was going to be off for but she knew it was going to take some time before she was ready to go back. She hadn’t properly spoken to Jadon in seven days; the last conversation they had was just before she left the hospital, he was trying to be strong around her but it was becoming tough.

That wasn’t helped by the constant presence of Erling, Grace found comfort in her former boyfriend. Not only had they been through the same experience, he was the only person she truly felt she could be herself around. As the days went on she found herself wishing that everything could back to the way it was; she felt bad for Jadon, she understood that it was awkward for him.

-

Jadon had spent twenty minutes staring at his teammates; he was hosting the latest team bonding session, but his mind was still on Grace. He had only been asked a simple question by Marco, but even that was hard to answer.

How was he doing? He didn’t have the answer, he was feeling lots of emotions.

“Bro, you good?” Jadon’s eyes focused on a waving Marco. He scanned the room to see everyone’s eyes on him, patiently waiting for an answer. His gaze landed on Erling, they hadn’t spoken since the incident had happened.

“It’s been a difficult couple of weeks, but I’m doing good,” Jadon said, a reassuring smile appearing on his face.

But he was lying. The past two weeks had been a nightmare and he knew it was all his fault, he just didn’t want to admit that to anybody yet. However, he knew that he had to be honest for the people he cared about to start healing, he was just worried about the consequences the truth would cause.

- Erling knew something was bothering Jadon, they hadn’t said a word to each other in nearly two weeks. They had tried to make conversation but it always ended quickly; Jadon was finding it difficult to accept the budding new friendship between the pair, whilst Erling was annoyed at the lack of interest his teammate had shown in Grace recently.

“I know you said to the team your alright bro, but I don’t believe you. Are you angry with me and Grace?” Erling sighed, he needed answers.

“I’m not mad at you, I’m not overly happy with what’s going on between you two but I have no right to complain,” Jadon said with a shrug of the shoulders.

“It’s such a messed-up situation,” Erling exhaled. He understood how hard this conversation was going to be for the both of them, but he knew it was one they needed to have. “But you need to sort yourself out and be there for Grace, she really needs you!”

“Please don’t tell me how I’m supposed to act with my girlfriend, it’s between me and her!”

Grace was now sitting on the stairs outside the living room; she had heard the loud voices and wondered what was going on, she was surprised to hear the two teammates in a deep conversation.

“Then start acting like it!” Erling yelled. “You know what she’s been through and you haven’t been there for her since it happened!”

“It’s because I can’t!” Jadon screamed. He was now pacing around the living room, anger filling his body. “I can’t face her knowing what I did. I look in her eyes and I see the sadness and hurt and all I can think of is how it’s my fault, I caused this.”

Erling froze; loads of scenarios were now going through his mind, every new one making it hard for him to hold in his rage. “How is this your fault? Please tell me that you didn’t have something to do with this!”

Jadon took a slow deep breath, he was preparing himself for the words that were about to come out of his mouth. “Please listen so I can explain everything!” Jadon pleaded, earning a little nod from Erling. “After I found out about your relationship with Grace I was so angry, the only person I felt comfortable speaking with was my brother. I was so convinced that she was still in love with you and going to leave me that I started going crazy, I needed to find out if anything was still there.”

“So, this all happened because you were jealous? Grow up Jadon, you should have spoken to us!”

“I didn’t know this was going to happen,” Jadon sighed. “They were supposed to watch and question you and Grace on a night out, I had no idea they were going to do what they did. I was devastated when I found out, I was so scared about what would happen when you found out I was involved.”

Erling was in shock, he didn’t know how to respond to what the Englishman was saying. His thoughts were interrupted by the slamming of the door, where a red-faced Grace was now stood. She was staring at her boyfriend; anger building within her body, she wasn’t sure what words would come out of her mouth.

“I am struggling to process that the reason I am covered in bruises, scars and scratches, is because you were jealous of my connection with my former partner!” Grace screamed, she was now stood inches away from Jadon’s face. “What makes it worse is that it’s taken you two weeks to reveal this. I was in the hospital crying myself to sleep whilst you were sat next to me knowing the reason this happened!”

Jadon couldn’t control his emotions, the tears started to fall at a rapid pace. The misery in Grace’s eyes were so evident, he knew that this was going to be the end of their relationship. He had no words left to say, he understood that it was going to take time before he was potentially forgiven.

- Grace started to feel a small breeze on her cheeks; she couldn’t remember how long she had been stood in the same spot, but she knew it was in double figures. She didn’t know what emotion she was feeling, she had felt numerous emotions over the past few weeks. She started to get flashbacks as she scanned her location, she knew this place all too well.

That place being Erling’s house.

Three weeks ago; she found herself in the same spot, little did she know the events that would occur. She still wasn’t over that day and it was made worse knowing that her now ex-boyfriend was involved.

Her thoughts were soon interrupted by the figure of Erling, who was now stood in front of her. “You going to stand out there all day?”

Grace felt her heart beat speed up, she was mentally preparing herself for the conversation she was about to have. She had spoken to Erling several times but today she was struggling to find the words.

“How’ve you been keeping?” Erling asked, he hadn’t spoken to Grace or Jadon since their monumental conversation a week ago.

“It’s been hard but I’m alright,” Grace softly smiled. “When you left, me and Jadon had a very long conversation. I cried, shouted and screamed at him until I had nothing left to say.”

“What was the outcome of the conversation?”

“We decided that it was best we go our separate ways, it was a tough decision but it was one we needed to make,” Ashley spoke. “But that’s not the only reason why I’m here, this is my final stop before I leave Dortmund.”

Erling’s heart stopped, just for a split second but that was long enough for his whole body to fill with sadness. He had only just got her back into his life and now she was leaving.

“Grace, you can’t leave, I’ve only just got you back!” Erling cried, he was struggling to believe what was going on. “You can stay with me, we can go back to the way we were. I can’t lose you again.”

“I can’t,” Grace sighed, several tears ran down her cheeks as her eyes stared at the photo frame in her hand. The photo bought back happy memories for her; it contained her best friend who was also the love of her life, the man who she had fallen completely in love with only for him to leave her. “I need to leave this place, I need to start thinking about myself.”

Erling moved closer towards Grace, their faces now a few millimetres apart. He slowly moved his lips onto hers, their mouths started to move in sync with each other. She took a few steps back until her body was now connected with the mattress on the bed. Her hands were now roaming around the blonde locks as his hands were carefully placed onto her hips.

“Gracie, I love you, please stay,” Erling pleaded, he was now sitting on the edge of the bed. “You will forever be my always.”

Grace stared into the eyes of the Norwegian for the last time, she couldn’t help but feel sad about the situation but she knew it was for the best.

“Something inside of me knows that I will never get over you, you are the unfinished chapter in my book of heartaches.”

a.n: and that is the end!! what do you think? did you like the ending? drop me a message about it!

but don’t worry it’s not over... the sequel ENDLESS LOVE is coming!

as always thank you for reading - kirsty x

[mariahstangl]

**Silent Tears**

My heart cried out all the time a scream echoing in my body. One that couldn't let itself out without letting lose a torrent of emotion. My eyes don't tear, but that doesn't mean my heart doesn't cry. My advice to you is if you’re sad then just cry. It will make you feel good.

Everyday I will go to school and pretend to be okay even though I am not. The axe forgets, but the tree remembers. I know that it is easier to pretend everything is okay. Sometimes, faking a smile is easier than explaining why I am sad. I’m lost in the nightmare that I call myself. Am I broken and flawed? Do I deserve a shred of worth like very one else?

It is better than admitting my heart aches at the thought of losing something that didn't belong to me. I can't help but feel my depressive emotions. Am I just another lost cause?

I wanted to die for so long, because everyone hated me and who I was. I’m too far gone and nobody can save me now. Will you spare me a little kindness?

Oh doesn’t really mean oh. It means my heart got ripped and crushed into millions of pieces, but I won’t tell anyone about it. Nobody would care anyway.

I wasn't myself for months and nobody noticed. I'm banged up mentally. The worst part about having issues is you have to have a breakdown for people to understand how hard you are trying to hold together. When did I become like this?

Everyday I walk outside with a little smile on my lips, because that is who I am. You can’t see the monster I have become, because I just smile. It is like you would catch someone if they fall. It is like throwing a rope to help them, but they refuse to grab hold. I go out of my way to make others feel special, because I understand feeling worthless.

Sometimes I would stare at the wall wanting to cry, but no tears would come out. Their words in my head are like knives in my heart. I could feel my heart breaking to pieces. People always tell me to follow my heart, but I don't know which piece of my broken heart to follow. I'm tired of living lies. My soul is tired.

I hate that they took the light behind my eyes. That I am not welcomed back with open arms. That my soul isn’t recharged like before. I am tired of everything. I have no hope. Why do I need hope? It’s one step towards disappointment.

I don't want to look in mirror and cry. The mirror is my best friend and my worst enemy. It never laughs when I cry. I'm tired of being me. Now as I walk along the halls in high school, I am called emo and pushed and shoved.

I am surrounded by people, but I still have no one to talk to. School teaches you everything, but loving yourself. I guess that is just how it works. We eat lies about life when our hearts are hungry.

It also doesn't help that I am as straight as a rainbow or a circle. That doesn't matter, because all I experience is bliss. Today I would die and nobody would care. Nobody cared before when I started hurting myself, so why would they care now?

Sometimes, when I say “I’m okay” I want someone to look me in the eyes and hug me tightly saying “I know you aren’t okay.”

Nobody would come up to me and want to tell me something interesting. Nobody would miss me. That was the only thing I knew for sure. I am afraid to be happy, because something bad always happens.

Being afraid keeps you far from your dreams. At least, I learned something from my suffering. Maybe I build walls to see who cares to break them down. To see who still wanted me alive.

Strength is what we gain from the madness we endure and sometimes survive. My friends believed I was so strong for dealing with this everyday. They would always ask why I was so panicky when people raised their voice. Never knowing it was because of my home life.

I watched my friends, leave my life. The worst pain is getting hurt by a person you explained your pain to. It became obvious very early on that they couldn’t handle the honest answers when I gave them. It’s hard to trust others when all I have is reasons from the past that say why I shouldn’t.

The worst part is I believed I deserved it. I don’t even think they liked me anyway. It hurt so much, because I would never have done that to them. You don’t really know the fury of something that seems so gentle until it hurts you.

I wear my scars as my best attire when going out. They are a stunning dress all over my body covering every inch of skin and making me different. Different enough that nobody even cared.

They used to love to see pictures of me when I was little. I hate seeing those pictures. All I see is a confident and carefree girl who believed she could take in the world and shed no tears.

Sometimes, I ask myself what happened? What happened to that little girl? That sad and empty feeling is all I can remember. I only remember waking up and hoping to go to bed again.

Where did it all go wrong? I suffer and watch as she is taken hostage. She is so far down that nobody can rescue her. She is wasting away and nobody can do anything. I wanted to talk about it so much. I wanted to scream, yell, or shout about the injustice. But all I can do is whisper “I’m fine” over and over.

I sit in my room every night and cry myself to sleep. I am always looked over unfairly and I pretend that it doesn’t hurt, but deep down I know that it hurts like being stabbed. Once I had a light in my eyes and hope in my eyes. I miss me.

The bright and smiling me. The laughing me. The me that is gone. I could feel myself changing. I stopped laughing the same and smiling the same. I miss those days when my smile was real not fake. I’m so tired of everything. I wasted my life fixing problems that my own head made up. If my eyes could show my entire soul people would start to sob when they saw my smile.

If you see the girl that I used to be, will you tell her that I want her back? The future’s certain and sometimes I wonder what would be like if mine didn’t fade away like I wanted it too. I’m sick of crying and way too tired. Tired of trying to keep a smile on my face when I am dying on the inside.

I wouldn’t be a hero in the end. The bravest thing I ever did was continuing my life when I wanted to die. You don’t know real pain until you’re staring at yourself in a mirror. You beg yourself to stay strong for a little longer. That is real pain. Time will never break my heart, but it might help with all the pain.

Every tear falls for a reason and I hope that others don’t stop believing. When I’m broken into a million little pieces, will my life be able to be put back together. I would do anything to feel alive again. I’m the master of my own disguise. I may look the same, but I am very far from fine.

The worst is over now and I can breathe again. I don’t have to hold my breath afraid that something would go wrong. No fear would rule over me anymore, because I had no reason to fear anything or anyone. Nobody would scare me more than I already scared myself.

Sometimes I locked myself in the bathroom and cried. I would wash my face and come out like nothing had happened. All this time I was finding myself and I didn’t even know that I was lost. All of us are broken so give a cheer, because we won’t change for anyone. I am broken.

I’ll write one last note and sing one last song before nothing. Don’t be afraid, because I am where I belong. In a world of peace and bliss. Now, I walk around everyday on the verge of tears, and nobody knew that I wasn't okay. They never heard my silent scream or saw my silent tears.

Author’s Note:

I wanted to say something. One of my friends, Amelia, committed suicide, because she didn't think she was worth it. What hurts is we didn’t ever say goodbye. The flashbacks and memories are the hardest. We parted ways and I wasn’t given a warning. We just ended.

Rest In Peace Amelia, because you did your time. If you ever see someone who is having a hard time, I encourage you to talk to them. How do you even breathe without the comfort of their embrace?

I think the reason she felt she was hated is, because she wasn’t really loved at home by her family. Sometimes, people hate you because of the way that other people love you. Better days are going to find you and every piece will find it’s place. No matter how much your heart aches, there is beauty in it breaking.

Remember that you are the love and reason someone lives. There is beauty in everything and everyone. Someone is going to miss you when you’re gone. I know that it is scary how many people think they want to die when all they want to do is start living how they want.

You deserve to be happy. You deserve to know how excited people get when you speak to them differently than the others around them. Don’t ever let others make you forget that.

If the family you were born into treats you wrong remember one thing. Being related to someone doesn’t make you like them. It doesn’t mean that they are family. Friends are the family that we weren’t given. They are true blessings.

I’ll hold her in my heart until I can be with her in heaven. I know what I want to hear when I get to the gates of Heaven. “Don’t listen to all of them. You get to come into here too. You lived for me and not for them. Come and walk with me child. Well done.”

She was a big believer in God. I wanted to say that she wanted to meet the Lord sooner than expected. She is in heaven. Her life didn’t fall apart. It fell into place. I want everyone to know that they are worth it. Sometimes it takes an overwhelming breakdown to have a breakthrough. God made her heart rest even though it is heavy in my chest.

If love could have saved her she would have lived forever. If you are thinking about taking your life please talk to someone. I am always free to talk. I can’t promise things will be better, but I can promise that I will never leave.

**The Dead Are Never Forgotten**

How do I write a well structured story, when my life is absolute chaos? Don't know, but I am going to try my best. I lost a friend, Amelia, to suicide and I love writing about her. She was such an inspiration to me and I know that she is still with me. I met her online and found out we used to go to the same daycare center. I didn’t even know her then. I believe that we only see the darkness and shadows, because there is a light shinning on them.

We were both being bullied and we connected. I learned that she had anxiety and depression. I have social anxiety, so we would always be there to calm each other down and to talk. Just because I let he go doesn’t mean I wanted too.

She always had a rough childhood. Her parents were divorced and she really took care of her 2 siblings, because her dad drank a lot and her mom was always out. He physically abused her and her mom was nice sometimes.

Amelia dealt with a lot of verbal abuse. It was hard on her. I loved talking to her, because she understood and I loved listening to what she told me. I felt honored to listen to some of the stuff she would tell me.

It really took trust to tell me all the things that she did. She always told me the only thing she refused to do was raise her kids like her parents. It’s really sad that she will never have kids like she always wanted. She was a kind person who always asked about the person who is alone. She always talked to them. She didn’t want them to feel alone.

There’s something about her that I just can’t explain. It made me want her in ways that I can’t even describe. I just wanted to listen forever and not care about anything else.

She wanted to raise kids so differently than her parents. No hitting and no verbal abuse. No nothing. Just raising them right and she wanted them to be able to tell her anything. To just be comfortable with her. She would do everything different from her parents. No drinking, no drugs, no smoking, no anything. It was beautiful.

I always imagine her looking over my shoulder as she laughs at something dumb I said. It is a good reminder that I am never alone. Never by myself. I know that there is always somebody who wants to hang, because they love to hear stories.

Every time I asked her which abuse was worse she would always say verbal. These were her exact words when she texted me: “I believe the verbal abuse is worse. Sometimes the words leave more of a scar than the physical abuse. Physical wounds heal, but verbal ones don't. Sometimes I fear falling apart.” I tried to help, but it was hard.

I could only listen and try to give advice. I didn’t understand her depression. I can’t really understand something unless I deal with it.

One day she texted me crying talking about how much she wanted to die. I texted her for an hour trying to convince her not too. I was almost afraid to go to sleep, because she had seemed so fragile and I wanted to help.

One of the pieces of advice that I gave her in that conversation was: “Just remember that storms don't last forever. You crying doesn't make you weak. You are crying, because you have been strong for too long.”

She always got into trouble for crying, because she would sob loudly and her dad hated listening to her cry. I have had similar problems and I understood that. I hoped we could talk to each other throughout our high school years complaining about homework and how many chores we had to do. What would this world be like if she survived to adulthood?

I remember the memes and the crazy conversations we had. The ones where nothing made sense and we both just went crazy talking about nothing important. The laughs that we shared and the memories. The edits I made to her stories and the ones she made to mine.

Sometimes, I long for one more mistake or just another hour to talk. Just another yesterday and sometimes I wish I could trade in all of my tomorrows for just one last conversation or one last day together. How does one move on when a close friend is gone so suddenly? How do I stay strong in front of everyone when inside I am falling apart?

She was really funny and kind. She could help me feel better if I was having a bad day. On the other hand she also had a different side. One that very few people ever dealt with. She texted me one night at 2 in the morning. I was sleeping, but I could feel my phone buzzing. I picked it up and she had been texting me for 15 minutes before.

Amelia was talking about how much she hated people and the world. When I asked her questions, she wouldn’t answer them. I sat and watched as she texted me. Sometimes, you just need a good rant. One thing she said really caught my eye. She said “Don't consider my kindness as my weakness. The beast in me is sleeping not dead.”

She was talking about how her dad had hit her again and how she wished people were nice and nobody would have family issues. I agreed and thought about all of those people suffering just like she was. Even I suffer silently. I don’t want to be sad she is gone. I want to just be happy she was here. She deserves someone who stayed. Remember anyone can rebuild from ruins.

She once said to me, “I have learned that the best way not to get your heart broken is pretending like you don't have one.” It really stuck with me and I sometimes think back to that conversation. It was one of our last. It scares me how much can change in a matter of hours.

Things happen and sometimes I wish time would stop and just give me a small break before something new happened. She was a great writer. She wrote stuff and I published it in my book on Wattpad. It was in her ideas and she never finished it. I wish she had.

Some people said she wasn't really gone. I knew they were just trying to convince themselves. Perhaps it is easier to smile and pretend that everything is fine, rather than admit that my heart is a little swollen from losing something that wasn't even mine. She wasn't even mine. I know that most people will forget about her after a little while, too consumed in their own lives to care. I miss her.

This family will always remember. Maybe not her parents, but her siblings will. Every time she isn't at a birthday or Holiday. They will look at her spot and remember her as a good sister and a smiling face. They will always remember and so will I. I felt nothing and yet everything at once.

I felt hollow and empty. People die everyday. Sometimes that smiling face is on the person you least expect to be. That smile will light up a world and the tears will bring down the entire world. What do I do when the distance is so big and wide?

I loved it and it was a way to remember her. I sometimes think about texting her about my day and I just stop right before I send something. I remember the sad truth. The one where she won’t answer anything and her phone still sits untouched by her. I know that she is in a better place of no pain and happiness is everywhere.

She was a beautiful young woman with the most amazing smile. It could light up the world. She hid all of her problems behind her smile. She hid a world of pain and hurt. Some people think they knew her, but they really didn’t have any idea. Not even I did.

Amelia believed that everyone should do what they could. Nothing more and nothing less. She taught me to do better all around. The way she lived for God and didn’t want this world. The fact that she would rather stand with God and be judged by the world than stand with the world and be judged by God. I’ll admit that I can do better all around and I should’ve done better when I was with her in this world.

She was kind with her words, because she knew how much some words feel like a whip. I wrote this a few days before I wrote silent tears. I had writer's block for three weeks after her death. I couldn’t write at all. It was terrible and I wanted to pretend like nothing was wrong. June 2, 2020 will always be a hard day. I can’t deny that. I know it will get better over time.

Here it is:

“I believe in something that no one else believes in anymore. I believe in the rainy season. I believe that your life is mostly sunny, but sometimes you get snow and rain. It makes the mood darker and everyone is afraid of what will happen next. That is what makes a rainbow so special to me. It shows that the rain (pain and sadness) is going away. That once more sunlight will rule. Not forever, but long enough to know that it is still out there. You may hear about all the bad, but there still is good in this world. You may not see it, but it is there. Waiting for it's moment to shine.”

I was really proud of this, because it was the first thing I had written. It was really hard and I felt like it wasn’t okay that I was still alive and breathing and she wasn’t. I wasn’t myself and nobody noticed for a few days. People started to notice and I finally said something.

My aunt encouraged me to write about it. I did and it felt really good. I felt as if I could finally breathe after holding my breath for so long underwater. That first breath that feels so good. I miss her. She will always be in my mind and I will forever have her favorite song in my head.

Her favorite song was Well Done by The Afters. I love it and I sing it when I think about her. I wrote a part in my book called Alignment. The last part goes like this: They cheer as you become a star watching as others follow in your footsteps.

They pat you on the back saying “Well done. This is where you belong. You are home. You made it. Guide others and watch as they make it up here too. Because when the stars align, something magical happens.” The end is loosely based on this song. I hope that she is living peacefully.

My favorite worship song is O come to the Altar by Elevation Worship. It is a really good song that shows the love of God and I sing it to remember everything and let it go. It is a song I listened to while writing this. I know I have been changed and I know it is for the better. I know that I will always have her with me. I sometimes wonder if we ever thought about each other at the same time.

I always wish to talk to her just one more time. I don’t know how I would even start. Maybe with hello or you can’t leave me again. >Dramatically sobs< I kept everything inside my head and didn’t say anything. I wish I said something when I thought about it. Maybe, I would say “Don’t be sad. I know that this is hard, but don’t let it beat you up. Just keep fighting.”

I would want her to know that I loved her laugh, and I wanted to hold her high and take away her pain. I wish I had a few more moments to try to convince her to stay. To just talk through it. I may have been able to help. That still haunts me.

I hope that others will talk to me and maybe I can help save them. I may not have been able to save her, but I can try to save them. Their lives matter even if they don’t believe it. I hope that someday, I will meet someone whose life has changed.

Someone who’s life was changed by another person that stopped them from harming themselves. I can smile and talk about her. You are what you love, not who loves you in return.

Talk to them and see their story. I can see what an impact one person can make on another. I hope that they will go on to help someone like their old self. The more people that are saved, the more people can save another person. All lives matter. I believe that if the people at school were kinder, more people would be saved.

Just because you don’t look like somebody that you think is attractive, doesn’t mean you aren’t. Flowers are pretty, but so are Christmas lights. They look nothing alike.

More people would live. They wouldn’t end their lives and nobody would be left with that empty hole that you feel every time you see two friends laughing at a meme together. I want human kindness to be a usual thing. Where it isn’t a big thing when one person is being nice or doing something good. A world where that is the normal. Don’t you want that too?

[lavender-montgomery]

The Haunting of Hill House Season 1 (2018) - Thoughts [SPOILERS]

I just finished watching season 1 of The Haunting of Hill House, and wow, I am impressed. I watched three episodes last night, and I watched the other seven episodes tonight. I finished at 7:23am. Was it worth the all nighter? Hell yes. Did I immediately come here to blog about it before getting any sleep and before a coffee? Again, Hell yes. 

I will try to briefly sum up what the show is about: It’s some time in the 90s, Olivia and Hugh Craine buy a mansion and temporarily move into it with their five children with the intent of doing up the building and selling it for profit. Issues arise so they end up having to stay there a lot longer than planned. After a short while, lots of paranormal incidents happen and it seems like the Mum is going crazy. The family experience death amongst them - the mother kills herself in the home, and the rest of the family end up fleeing into the night. The movie jumps between two timelines so it can get quite confusing. The movie follows the lives of the children when they are grown up - two are married, one is a heroin addict, one owns a funeral home and one is a therapist. They all need to come to turns with the things that happen in their childhood. The youngest in the family, Nell, hallucinates all her life a ‘bent neck lady’ who she has been seeing since childhood. Nell ends up having a breakdown after the death of her husband and coming off her meds, so she returns to the house years later and kills herself there. Eventually, the entire family return to the house and learn both Nell and the mum didn’t kill themselves, the spirits in the house did. They all have vivid hallucinations and the youngest brother Luke almost dies in the house because the spirit of their Mum won’t let them leave. Finally she frees them and they leave in one piece. The dad dies - not sure why he had to die - and they’re free from the house and can move on with their lives. The show ends with three different things happening - the door to the ‘red room’ (a room they can’t get into where lots of paranormal activity happens, the red room is a reoccuring theme in the movie) shuts with the spirits of both Olivia and Hugh, and the spirit of Nell all embracing. It shows the other siblings doing well in life all together, and it shows the caretakers of the building returning in their old age to die there. 

That is the absolute basics I can sum the plot in. I have missed SO much in that paragraph, there are so many different plots for all the characters in this show, I will be here all morning trying to type it out. If you’re reading this, I’m assuming you have seen it anyway so I don’t need to go into further detail. The plot was extremely complex, and I was captured right from the beginning.

I have a file of notes I took while watching this show. I am going to go through them, the order of them will seem crazy because it kept jumping between timelines, so bare with. I will try order them best I can.

To start off with - Nell.

Nell was one of the two ‘nutcase’ characters. She was on medication for mental health and was thought to be hallucinating. She also was told she suffered with sleep paralysis, she ended up marrying her sleep technologist - get it, girl. First, she saw a ‘bent neck lady’ often in her childhood and it really scared her. Then, her mum killed herself. Then, she got removed from her home and her parents and placed with a different relative all in one night. Later in her life she got married, then eight months later he died right infront of her in the middle of a ‘sleep paralysis hallucination’. Can we really blame the girl for being crazy? All her life her siblings didn’t believe anything she saw. After her husband’s death, she was back in therapy and on some heavy medication. The ‘bent neck lady’ returned and she stopped taking her meds. One night, she tried phoning every sibling and no one would answer, her Dad answered but by this point it was too late. She returned to the house where her mum died and where all the paranormal stuff happened.  I feel like I can relate to Nell in some ways. She was young and scared and she thought she was hallucinating. Being someone who suffers from hallucinations that scare me and relying on heavy medication, it broke my heart seeing her suffer as I know what it feels like, and I’d never wish it on anyone.  They shown two scenes regarding Nell’s death. First, it was a brief scene of Nell dancing round the empty, black house wearing a white nightgown. Then they show her hanging herself. A few episodes later, the timeline jumps back to Nell’s death and goes into more detail. She drives to the house and when she pulls up outside, all the lights are on inside in every room. She goes into the house and it is clean and fully furnished, all of her family are in there and so is her husband. She dances around the bottom floor of the house in her husband’s arms and she kisses him. She’s truly happy, so much she cries. She’s with everyone she loves. Her family start apologising to her - for not being there, for not believing her, for arguing etc. This leads to her going up the same stairs her mum jumped off. her mum gives her a necklace and she puts it on, then her mum pushes her off the stairs - the necklace was a noose. What bothered me most was she was so happy before her death after so long of being miserable.

A couple who tend to the house, Clara and Horace Dudley, find Nell’s body when they come to check on the house. The family are told straight away. The body is collected and taken to the funeral home Nell’s sister Shirley owns. Shirley herself does the embalming and funeral directing. The open casket viewing is emotional, the Dad turns up after not seeing his children in years. Her siblings get drunk and have a big argument. Shirley catches Theo making a move on her husband. Dad and Theo see a very dead looking Nell crawl across the room towards them. I feel the casket viewing went how a lot of broken family gatherings would go - too much alcohol and too many words being said. That’s another thing I could relate to - family disputes. I wouldn’t say my childhood was in a broken immediate family, but my teenage years were and my whole family certainly has it’s issues. I can’t help but feel if both sides of my family got together under the same circumstances, it would end the same way it did in this show, if not worse. Maybe without the sister trying to get her sister’s husband. It really highlighted how broken the family is from their behaviour at the casket viewing. 

Her funeral and casket viewing scenes were emotional, they put a lump in my throat. Death of a loved one is one of my biggest fears, so watching these things are difficult for me. Seeing the pain in her family over her death, especially her twin brother, it killed me. I felt like I was grieving myself, they made me feel such strong emotions over these scenes - not many movies, shows or books have done that. Props to them. Even now, hours later, I am still a bit sad.

The biggest plot twist? The bent neck lady Nell saw since childhood. Guess who she was? That’s right, she was Nell herself. After Nell was hung, she was shown flashbacks of her life to every time she saw the bent neck lady, only she WAS the bent neck lady. The bent neck lady never tried to scare her, she was doing the opposite and was scared herself. I was in shock when this happened. 

Not only did I form an attachment to Nell, I also did to her 90-seconds-older twin brother, Luke. Luke is a heroin addict in and out of rehab. Watching his struggle was difficult, seeing how badly he wanted to come clean and how hard it was for him wasn’t the easiest thing to witness. In their childhood, Luke was the only person who believed Nell with the things she was seeing. 

Theo - Theo was the second oldest sister. She had some sort of psychic power where when she touched things or people with her bare hands, she’d know stuff. So she always wore gloves. I particularly admired Theo, she used her ‘power’ for good but didn’t let people take advantage of her. She was a strong character and possibly my favourite in the whole season. Her actress captured her perfectly, plus, she was incredibly pretty. There’s a moment where she breaks down to her sister, Shirley. Shirley is mad at her for trying to sleep with her husband when that isn’t what happened. Theo had touched Nell after she died and with her psychic ability, she was consumed by a dark emptiness. The way she got out of it was embracing her sister’s husband in the dark. The way Theo broke down talking about what happened, it was powerful and one of the best performances of the whole show.

Steve - Steve was the oldest of all the siblings. I strongly disliked him. He never believed anything Nell or his mum said, he was completely in denial about everything and as an adult, he just had a horrid attitude. He was too quick to call his family crazy, while at the same time writing their stories in books and making a big profit off of it despite not believing any of it. Only in the last ten minutes or so did I even slightly like Steve. I feel his character was badly written, it is no fault of the actor that I didn’t like him. He didn’t contribute much to the story other than the fact his character wrote the book about it - but the story would have been the same without the book existing, so again, didn’t contribute. 

Shirley - I don’t really have much to say about Shirley. She’s the least touched upon character. I didn’t particularly like her as I thought she was rude and dull. She also didn’t contribute much to the story and was just being negative a lot of the time. I felt for her when she had to embalm her sister, although for quite a while she didn’t show any emotion to it which I didn’t like but I see why they did it. 

The red room - The red room is a room in the house that no one could get into. Even with the skeleton key, it couldn’t be opened. They tried busting the door open and still couldn’t get in. The red room comes up a lot throughout the show. I like the mystery about the red room, although I don’t really get the ending to it. Apparently, they were all in the red room. For the mum it was a reading room, for Shirley it was a family room, for Theo it was a dance room, for Luke it was a treehouse, for Steve it was a games room and for Nelly it was a toy room. How none of them realised this, I do not know. Towards the end they all see that room for what it is, but I don’t really get how it was all these different rooms for the whole family. What if Nell wanted to be in the toy room and Steve wanted to be in the games room both at the same time? They don’t really explain this very well, I would like to know more. Quite at the beginning, Shirley has the skeleton key and she’s rattling the door handle trying to get in, Theo is in her dance room and her door handle rattles, even though Theo isn’t behind that exact door at the time it’s two seperate rooms and the children can’t hear eachother through the door... Explain!!

There are a few completely random things going on, the red room being one of them. Another being a forty year old body was found in the walls of the basement. Why? It was the body of someone barely mentioned, and if I am correct we don’t even see his ghost. This was yet another thing that didn’t contribute to the plot so I’m not sure why it was added. Another random thing is the character Abigail. Young Luke has a friend called Abigail who ‘lives in the woods’. No one else has ever seen her and they all say no one live sin the woods, so they say she’s an imaginary friend. Well one night she just randomly decides to stay over and apparently no one knows - both parents said yes thinking she was imaginary. She also dies that night. She is the child of Clara and Horace Dudley who live around a fifteen minute walk from the mansion. She dies there so her ghost is stuck there. The night the dad and kids flee from the house, the dad wants to burn the house down, but the Dudleys beg him not to as it is the only place they can see their little girl now that she has died. So he leaves it for them. Do they return every day to visit the ghost of their little girl? I’m assuming so. At the end of it, the Dudleys are very old, they both return to the house as Clara is dying. I’m assuming they both died in the house together to be with their daughter. 

Clara has a sat down moment with Olivia and tells her of the things that happen in the house and how she won’t be in there after dinner time to avoid being there in the dark. Yet Olivia still stays in the house, even though these things are happening to her - why? Why doesn’t she leave when she is straight up told what happens? White people stupidity, that’s why. I am also weirded out with how the Dudleys were close with the previous family that lived in the house before the Craines moved in. They must have worked for the Hills for quite a while to be so close, yet they were relatively young and the Hills were in their youth in the 1920s. How old are the Dudleys? How long had they been working at this house? The times are slightly off. The Dudleys also takl about how their child was a stillborn which I thought was just more unnecessary sadness added to the show.

Towards the end when all the siblings end up in the red room, one of the spirits called Poppy hits them all in the face which sends them into the hallucination. Why? Why is Poppy getting involved? Poppy was one of the worst characters, the acting was questionable and there wasn’t much point to her. She killed Olivia and put awful ideas into her head. Why did she hit the siblings in the face and send them into a hallucination? When they all snapped out of it with help from Nell’s spirit and were all in the room together. 

A part that messed with me a little bit was Steve was back at home with his wife. He was writing a book about what happened that night they all returned to the house. His wife comes home and is heavily pregnant. It turns out this is all a hallucination, he isn’t at home and the night isn’t over and his wife isn’t pregnant. He then wakes up back in the red room. This shocked me, I thought things had gotten better then it turns out it wasn’t real. 

When they all return to the house, the spirits are out. Abigail is on the stairs watching them, and one spirit in particular made me uncomfortable. There was an incredibly tall man floating and using a cane he would tap on the floor with every ‘step’. He leaned over everyone and was incredibly creepy. I think the reason he made me so uncomfortable is because he reminds me of my main hallucination, see THIS POST  if you want to read more about this. 

For a good full episode it looks like Luke is going to do - one large hallucination and a hospital visit later, he lives! Hoorah.

I have so many questions about this show. I just sat here and watched ten hours of it, yet I still have things unanswered. I am very glad this wasn’t a movie - there’s no way this could all be squeezed into an hour and a half. 

Would I recommend this show? YES. I haven’t enjoyed something this much since IT part 2, and even that was the first horror I fully enjoyed in about a year. Will I be watching season 2? I’ll be counting down the days. I also plan on the book the next season is based on - The Turn of The Screw by James Henry - before release, get my own view on it.

“ Journeys end in lovers meeting. “

[tara-l-blackmore]

The MWS Unit (or Iso)

Here's the thing about it.

I spent months upon months petrified of this experience. I would find myself suddenly scream-crying in my shower, so certain this would be one of the very last times I'll ever shower in my own house. I would look at Milo and just grab him and hug him, soak him in my tears and make him squirm away and wonder why I had suddenly lost my mind, because I was certain he would die before I could be freed.

I would log on to social media and stare paralysed at a screen of emails and messages, asking me how I was, and all I could think of was that if I never replied again, what would happen? If I lost them, if I could never get out, would they understand, would they not hate me for it? Or would they think I’d abandoned them, and hate me forever for it? And I could never ask, because I was too afraid of the answer, despite knowing how kind those few people are.

The worst was the fear over Terry.

He did nothing to stir it, to worsen it. He did everything in his power to steer my fragile mind away from that horror. But it didn't matter. It just didn't matter.

I stayed awake at night, staring at the ceiling, holding him and listening to his stupid obnoxious snoring and cry silently, wondering if I would regret hating that annoying nasally sound. I would watch the door close every morning, and dread that I would lose him on the other side of it, while I was trapped and not even able to escape to help him, to save him, to… to at least…

I was certain everyone would forget about me, that the time limit I was given was a lie to keep me calm, and that I would never, ever be released from that place, again. I had built up this place like it would be the insane asylum of all of my literary heroes, and I was just following them – and all without the being an author part. I would have a room of my own – forever.

So you could imagine my surprise when, the moment I walked into a room that had likely seen countless deaths, suicides, code blues, etc., and I sensed… none of it. I walked into that small room and felt absolutely nothing.

Let me back track a bit more.

While preparing for the time to get there, I realised something that had never happened before: I couldn't visualise or see it. Whenever I’m bound for some sort of adventure of some kind, good or bad, I can always picture it in advance. The majority of times, I’m wrong, but I can still see something.

But for iso, I saw absolutely nothing. And it terrified me, to the point of being certain that it meant I either wouldn't live to see it – or would die while there.

My fears grew. I became distant. I knew I could only depend on perhaps two or three people, and yet I still tried not to. I yearned to depend on others, only to be greeted with silence and apathy. My mentality worsened, I was certain this meant the end, and I started crying, every day, no matter what. I tried to do it alone, but usually failed – especially if Terry was there beside me.

But he wouldn't be – no one would be – and I was terrified. No one was allowed to visit, to even drop things off for me, and I was terrified of being abandoned there, whether it be left there forever, or come out of there with nothing and no one left.

I was so certain that this blind spot meant that it was the end, and nothing mattered, anymore.

But instead of saying any of it, all I did was just… pretend I was fine.

We woke up at 6, and I started shaking right away. I thought it was just because I was starting withdrawal, or I was overtired, but I actually did manage to sleep rather well the night before – Terry appropriately wore me out – but the second I got into the shower, I knew better: it was fear.

Was this the last time I’d ever see this place? That was my only thought, with everything I did.

Until, finally, it was time to go.

I'd been fully packed for two weeks, as they warned us to be ready for a 24-hour notice. And we got it. So it was easy to drag my stuff down to the garage.

I cried the entire time, trying to stop, trying to be strong for Terry, but I failed, and he was strong for me. The drive was quiet, full of silent tears and sips of cold coffee, but we got there early.

We spent the early half-hour in each other's arms. Now that we were there, it felt real, it felt true, and I was paralysed with fear. Again, Terry was the strong one – until finally, they sent someone down, and it was time to go.

We hugged, I cried, I think he might have teared up a little, and then we kissed and said goodbye – and see you next week.

Then, I was led away, and the doors closed.

The lady was kind, carrying the things I could not and welcoming me here. I was warned, however, that there was a fire drill going on, so there would be an hour delay in my check-in. This was bad news, as I was already feeling absolutely terrible.

Or so I thought.

But I smiled and nodded and let her lead me into the kitchen/common room, to wait for it to be over.

That's where I met J. He greeted me and was friendly, asked if I wanted food, and asked how long I was going to stay. I was shaking the whole time – he was a tall white man, and they sometimes make me nervous – but he did nothing to send my alarm bells off – not even when he mentioned being in jail.

“What're you here for? Alcohol?” he asked me.

“No; pain and opiate control,” I confessed.

i made a small joke, then, and to my surprise, it made him guffaw.

“Well, Tara, I hope you like it here,” he concluded. “It's really good.”

“I can see that,” I agreed, and he left.

I waited a bit more, bored and feeling gross, until I was found again and taken to the doctor.

I was weighed, measured, and photographed, given a keycard necklace to wear at all times, and then they took both blood and urine. I then spoke to the doctor – Dr F – about what I hoped to achieve while there.

“I'm not expecting a miracle,” I muttered, starting to feel sick. “I just want to be a housewife. I want to go see my niece and not want to die from pain after.” I met his gaze. “I want to see her at least graduate elementary school.”

He took me seriously, and no doctor had ever done that, before. He named my condition “suffering”, and for the first time, I realised that this was true. And I cried, shocked that someone I just met had more compassion than people I’d known for decades.

“Most of all,” I choked out, “I just want to make my husband happy.”

“I’m sure he wants the same for you,” Dr F agreed, “and part of that is to ease your suffering.”

Needless to say, it was a very emotional interview.

I was then led to my room – and surrendered my suitcase. I came prepared for it, aware that a lot would be taken away, and I was right. They took three freezer bags of stuff I was not allowed to be alone with – including my perfume! – but whatever.

After, I spent a brief moment of quiet putting things away, feeling the bad feelings increase but still having hope that I would spend the worst moments distracted at the desk they offered or curled up at the chair with books.

I was so wrong.

The rest of the day was a blur, because it got repetitive. I had to repeat everything at least four times, and by the end, I was exhausted.

But by then, I was ready to start.

At first, it was okay. I felt gross, but assured that the meds now inside me would ease that gross, and I would feel better in mere hours.

Instead, it initiated a five-day long stupor of pain, vomit, sobbing, and repeat, followed by exhausted or sedated sleeps and sobbing into pillow cases, my body too weak to even sit at the chair to do anything. I had to drag myself with my walker simply to see. Everything hurt.

But I kept breathing.

It was hard to do just that.

Withdrawal makes you think you are dying. It robs your muscles of blood, of air, and it makes your stomach curdle and turn on itself. It makes food taste like ash, pieces no bigger than pencil erasers creating constant choking hazards, and it makes your dreams turn to nightmares of that so-certain impending death.

Every night, I sobbed myself to sleep. Every morning, my body woke me with trembled and heaves and cold sweats and crying, crying, crying…

I fasted. I needed phosphates. I slept through all the activities I’d hoped to go to.

My only defence was sleep or tears. I tried to watch shows or answer emails or even talk on Discord, but nothing came out. Nothing could come out.

Because while everything felt horrible and awful physically, mentally I was… fine. I did have bad dreams, but they vanished the second I awoke bathed in sweat to heave. I didn't hallucinate. I didn't have flashbacks. I didn't even faint.

I was just very sick and ill, and reluctant to share it with anyone, even the people I knew I could trust.

Until my fifth day, I was trapped in this endless cycle of illness. Nothing mattered. Nothing existed. I realised way too late that one of the other chicks stuck with me was flirting with me, crying too hard to realise it (probably a good thing). All I could do was push myself with my walker from room to nursing station, crying, then back, again.

The night of the fourth day was the first time I wondered if I should try to shower. I even asked, and even though I was advised not to, I wanted to, anyway. But when I tried, I didn't make it. My soap did – I threw it across the room – but I did not.

The fifth day, however, was one that woke with heaving, as usual – but there was a finite quality to it, a strange kind of calm that followed it, and I wondered. The whole day, I watched myself, and I found myself sitting at that desk, writing one of the prompts in a prompt book I wrote. Then I laid back down and fell asleep.

The new meds had finally begun to work.

Because when I woke next, I was able to eat a little. And then after, I managed a sit-down shower. I cried the entire time, and after, so proud of myself, and I felt like a human, again. It was the first time I wanted to pick up my phone, but sadly, when I tried to speak, I again choked up and hid away.

Days six and seven were much the same: I awoke sick, was given meds, and when I was calm, I snacked on vegetable cheese crackers that I brought with me, finally able to stomach small amounts of solid – if very masticated – food. I spent the days watching Netflix or reading a book my mom bought for me – or sleeping.

Every day, I saw Dr F, who was dismayed by my lack of improvement until day six. When he saw me then, he was surprised by the change, and realised that maybe there is more to my suffering than wanting drugs. He even asked me how it felt.

“It doesn't make me high – I know what that feels like – but it makes me feel better,” I replied.

“Then it's working as it should,” he revealed.

And of course, I started to cry, and I was given my release date. I sobbed all the way to my room.

The last day – day seven – I was well enough to shower in the morning (though I did have to lie down for a while after, exhausted), as well as attempt to eat the food (fail). I then spent the day between packing up, going on a grounds walk and pet therapy (more on those in a second), and I even managed to listen to a small singing group (whose song made me cry and I had to run away).

First, the grounds walk. I missed all of the other ones, despite promising my mother that no matter what, I would get outside. But the one day I was up to it, it was raining. I was the only one who went, so it was a short jaunt, but so worth it to me. The air was cold and fresh, and the rain was like kissed on my hot, feverish face. I cried yet again, adding to it in my own way, and collected leaves, because I’m a witch.

Then, the pet therapy. I waited all week for this, and it was worth it. A woman came in with a rescued fawn greyhound, and I melted for her. She had past scars, but was so well-behaved and loving that you'd never know she was abused for sport. But near the end, I got too emotional, missing Nim, and I again ran away. I spent the rest of the night sneaking snacks around the entire place, because I didn't want to take them home.

The last morning finally arrived, and for a while, I didn't really believe it. I expected them to tell me I needed to stay longer. I distracted myself with an early shower; they said be out by 8 am, so I showered at 6 and was done by 7. This time, I laughed and cried.

After it was confirmed that I was going home, it again becomes a blur. They did repeat blood-work, sent my new prescription to my pharmacy (or tried to, but because the place is basically run by defective robots, there were issues), and was sent back downstairs.

Then… Terry was there. Holding me. Squeezing me. And crying, almost as hard as me.

He'd missed me. He said he did, hated being alone, but until then, I never believed it.

It changed something in me. It made me start to calm down about us, about how strong we are, together. I feel… well, it's hard to explain. But in any case, it's amazing.

We drove home, I posted some tweets, and I ate real food for the first time in 8 days – a poutine. We fought the pharmacy and won, then we just… hung out. Talked about it. Held each other into the night.

And in the morning, when Terry laid across my legs as usual, I knew my heart was home, and I wept. I knew I was safe, I was not alone. I knew I had to make hard decisions, now, things I never knew I had to do, but once I did, I was freer.

Once I stood on my balcony, the wind in my hair and the chill up my robes, I knew: my new life has finally begun.

I fought with all I could.

And for the first time, when I needed to the most, I won.

I won.

[sunnylildragun]

'Cuz You Make Me Forget

Sumary: Asami still gets shaken by the events of the past few years, and the demons of the memories still haunt her awake. Luckily, the Avatar is there to bring balance to her world. If you'd rather read on AO3, the link is in my blog ^-^

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These nightmares have haunted her for years now. Three years, precisely. She felt like it would never get off her mind: the final battle against Zaheer, Korra on the ground, barely alive, the metallic venom Su took out of her body, the afterwards... The image of Korra never coming back from her psychological turmoil, then the fear she would never come back at all.

Asami tried everything to rid herself from the night terrors. Acupuncture, meditating with Tenzin- which ended up with both talking about how much they missed the Avatar over tea-, even overworking. The last seemed to be one of the most effective means to achieve her goal. Had a nightmare? Work. Flashback? Work. Stress over working too much? Sleep. More nightmares? Work more. And the cycle kept going during almost two years and a half.

Then, one day, writing a letter to Korra and drifting to her deepest feelings for the girl... the thought finally struck her. Korra wouldn't like to see her this way. She would look at her with those bright blue eyes of hers with worry, ask her if everything was alright. Tell her that this routine was not healthy, and try to make her cut it off. And, although the Avatar wasn't there with her, she was going to do anything in her power to keep the southern girl's wishes at heart.

For the next six months, the nightmares haunted her freely. Some mornings, she woke up wanting nothing more than to stay in. She was tired, she was empty. Almost three years and Republic City was still not the same without Korra. Asami changed it at her will, was the mind behind the new city infrastructure. She did it all in a way she knew both the citizens and the Avatar would love. She changed it in a way she would feel like the one she loved was there with her. She even changed her car's color to blue, for the spirits' sake.

And when Korra was finally back, Asami could not describe the amount of happiness she felt. She hugged the shorter girl, held her close, and only then took her new look in. The short hair, the mature look in her eyes, the increased musculature... everything about her was breathtaking. The genius felt overwhelmed, and angry that it took Korra so long, and ashamed by her selfishness. It wasn't right that she would force her feelings over the other's. Korra had been tricked by Zaheer, then imprisoned, then poisoned. She had lost movement.

Asami wasn't the only one who lost her; Korra lost herself. So the head of Future Industries decided to let her selfish anger behind her. Korra was there. She was safe, and had come back to her.

Things weren't finished, though. There was the whole Kuvira mess. There was the battle for Republic City. In that day, Asami lost her father, and there's no word to describe the grief, the sadness, the emptiness she went through for that. To add to it, in the end of the fight, Korra vanished into the Spirit World. She disappeared again, and it made Asami think about just how much loss can a person experience in one day. When the dark skinned girl came out through the portal, though, Asami felt so relieved she could actually cry. But she didn't. Instead, she put a hand on the young woman's shoulder, expressing what she felt through a smile and through her eyes.

What came after that made her feel grateful. Their talk after Zhu Li's and Varrick's marriage. Her getaway with Korra in the Spirit World. Their kiss, their new relationship... they had come so far, they were beyond girlfriends or best friends; they were partners for life. It was like their hearts and souls were bound together. She wanted to be there for Korra, to be her equal. Even though she knew the younger had powers she could never possess, Asami felt like Korra would never look down at her.

Their bond was one of the strongest Asami ever had.

All of that, all their story, was what lead to this moment. The new enemy, Guan, was a force to be reckoned with. Kuvira was with them. The world, once again, needed the Avatar. It all sent Asami into a wave of stress. A new, almost unbearably strong wave of stress. And with the stress came the nightmares.

In this one, she watched her father call for her before Kuvira smashed him. He cried for her, as she helplessly slipped away with that stupid parachute. She watched Korra repeatedly smash to the ground, eyes glowing in the Avatar state. She watched as Zaheer took the air from the girl's lungs, and before her eyes closed and her body fell limp on the ground, she mouthed the word. "Help."

Asami tried screaming, tried moving, tried protesting. She tried running towards Korra, but the distance only seemed to increase. And then, she fell to her knees. The scene then changed to something she'd not presenced. A turn of events that doomed the team. Kuvira turned on Team Avatar, betrayed them. She joined Guan, and somehow they got Korra, and she felt like she could have prevented it-

And when they killed Korra in the nightmare, the panic was so real that it woke her up.

Now, there she is, looking out of the airship, and waiting for the next day to arrive. According to Korra, Toph would be the ideal candidate, and they are on their way there. Staring at the few clouds and at the ground bellow showed itself to be surprisingly soothing, and the effects eased her mind a little. It distracted her so much that she didn't even notice as the subject of her deepest worries- and of her warmest affections- came beside her.

"Nice night, huh?" Korra broke the silence, looking at Asami with a smile. It startled the long haired woman, who jumped away from the other. The younger rose an eyebrow, amused but also worried. "I didn't mean to scare you, sorry." Asami just sighed, nodding. 'Something's off,' the Avatar thought. "So... everything alright? You seem... I don't know."

The genius crossed her arms and sighed again. "Yeah. I mean, no. I just..." her eyebrows furrow. "I've got a lot in my head right now."

"I'm all ears." Korra smiled, those blue eyes filled with compassion and worry, pleading her to talk. The black haired woman couldn't resist to that.

"Can we head to my cabin? I don't feel like talking about it here."

"Sure! Whatever suits you best."

And with that, they headed to Asami's cabin, hand in hand. The older looked at their intertwined fingers in some moments, using that as a rock so that her mind wasn't taken away by anxiety. When they arrived, Asami sat on her bed, eyes staring holes in the ground. Korra sat beside her, a hand on her back, looking at her with a small smile.

"I-" Asami tried, but the lump in her throat prevented her from saying anything else. In the lack of words, tears took over. Korra immediately pulled her girlfriend into a tight hug, which was reciprocated basically in the same instant. She caressed the other's long hair, her heart clenching with each sob that came from the older's mouth.

"I'm here for you, baby. Take your time, I'm not going anywhere." The last part made Asami tighten her hold, burying her face into Korra's neck. Korra just rubbed her back, kissed her temple. After some minutes, Asami pulled away, ready to talk.

"I had a nightmare, and it was terrible, Korra. I watched my father die, I watched Zaheer hurt you again... and then, in the nightmare, Kuvira turned on us and they killed you. I was so horrified, Korra, they made me watch you suffer and I couldn't do anything! I was so helpless, just like when my dad died..." tears started welling up again, but she refused to cry. "I feel like I always fail to help you or anyone else when it comes to actual danger."

"That's not true! Asami, you are a genius. Your mind, your hands, your power... they're to rebuild, to rescue, and to help. What would be of me if you hadn't the knowledge about that airship when the Ba Sing Se soldiers captured us? Even when it fell, it was you who saved our butts! Zaheer could've put his hands on me sooner, but he didn't because we escaped. And when he did capture me, you were there to help rescue me, and the airbenders. After that... you helped me hold myself together. I don't even know how worse I could've been if you weren't there those first few weeks. Not to mention how you rebuilt Republic City to fit the spirits and the humans."

"I... suppose I did great things. But-"

"I'm not finished yet. Against Kuvira, you worked on those mecha suits with your father. You were able to forgive him, and give him another chance. You allowed him to work by your side. And I'm sure he knows how much you love him. I'm sure that, wherever his spirit is, he's proud of you. He's proud that you're this wonderful woman, who puts others before herself. Who's now helping Republic City come back from the ruins that the Earth Empire caused with their attack." Korra cups Asami's cheeks with her hands, before laying a small kiss on her lips. "And I'm proud of you, too. Team Avatar wouldn't be the same without you. Republic City wouldn't be the same. And neither would I. I need you, Asami."

By the end of Korra's speech, happy tears began flowing freely down Asami's cheeks. She kissed her girlfriend, making sure to channel her emotions through the contact. Korra responded with equal passion, her hands dropping to the other's waist. Asami buried her hands in Korra's hair, bringing her even closer, and licking the Avatar's lips, asking for permission. It was given to her, and their tongues danced to the song of the silent night.

Korra slid her hands to Asami's back, prompting her to sit on her lap. She did, and their kiss deepened. It was like, with each stroke of her tongue on Asami's own, with each time her hands went up and down the older's back, massaging, the nightmare drifted away from her mind. There was only Korra, and her love for her.

When they pulled away, they rested their foreheads together. They were panting, their heated makeout leaving them breathless. Asami's eyes were closed, and Korra's stared at her, smiling at the beauty of the young woman. With one hand, she brushed away some strands of hair, and then cupped her cheek. It made the black haired woman open her eyes, revealing the green jewels.

"I love you," Korra said, thumb caresseing her girlfriend's cheek.

"I love you, too. So much." Asami hugged Korra, arms over her shoulders. "It feels like we are conected, somehow. Like our hearts are tied together. Like we're-"

"Soulmates?"

"Yeah..."

"I wouldn't doubt it, you know?" The southern girl chuckled. "I mean... we know each other better than anyone else, we have a very deep connection... also, whenever you're in danger, I feel the panic in my own system. A panic that isn't quite mine, but isn't foreign either."

"I feel that too."

"It's settled then. We're soulmates, we got all that soulmate stuff!" The excitement in the girl's voice brought a smile to Asami's face. "For the powers conceded to me by Raava, the light spirit, I declare us soulmates." That made the Sato woman laugh out loud.

"It seems to me you just married us." She teased.

"I didn't- I don't- What-" Korra attempted. "Not that I don't want to, but, y'know, it's just- uh, I-"

"Such eloquence..."

"Oh, shush. You get what I'm trying to say." The younger pouted, exasperated.

Asami raised an eyebrow. "Now do I?"

"Stop being a tease!" Korra demanded, and then attacked Asami's neck, blowing raspberries, and kissing, and biting to tickle her. It worked, and the older woman started giggling.

"Cut it off!" Asami managed between giggles. Then, she yawned, and it got the other's attention.

"We should get some sleep. We're probably gonna arrive tomorrow, and Toph is... well, Toph. Dealing with her wil be tough." She winked after her corny joke, and Asami groaned. "Seriously, though, we really should sleep."

"Okay..." Asami said, yawning again. "Stay? Please."

"I wasn't going anywhere."

Asami smiled at that. She got off Korra's lap, and let the girl lie in the bed first. Then, she lied in too, facing her girlfriend and putting an arm under her neck, while the other was thrown over her waist. Korra wrapped her arms around the girl's waist, her hands on her back, drawing massaging circles.

"Good night, soulmate." Korra said.

"Good night, soulmate." She answered, her ear against the other's chest, listening to the calming tune that was Korra's heartbeat.

She knew the nightmares would eventually come back. She knew those terrors would haunt her for a long time. She also knew, though, that as long as she had Korra to hold her like this after she woke up, she would be able to overcome it all.

[bulletproofice]

Tyler Joseph - I’ll Try to Save You

Y/N - Your Name Y/EC - Your Eye Colour Y/SC - Your Skin Colour Reader: Female Warnings: Suicidal thoughts and mentions of self harm Word Count: 2846

3rd Person POV

Y/N and Tyler had known each other throughout high school and middle school. She had been there at his first ever basketball game. She had encouraged his music career and helped him practice for his talent show. She had introduced him to Josh and proposed the idea that he could join Tyler's band when the other two members had left. She had seen him through his darkest days. She had taken him on fun days out that she couldn't really afford just to see him smile. She would come to his window at night to bring him food when she knew that he hadn't been eating. She had been there at the sink when... you know. She had saved him in more ways than he could count.

Every time the other broke down crying, they would be there in an instant.

To Tyler's audience, he was best friends with Josh. But to everyone behind the scenes, Y/N and Tyler were closer.

Recently the two had drifted apart, Tyler and Josh were on tour whereas Y/N was still working in Columbus. A month had gone by and the texts that had been sent between the two could be counted on one hand. The singer yearned for contact with the girl he'd grown so close to, he didn't know why he'd let distance grow between them. He wasn't entirely dependent on her, but she was his rock. With every passing day he could feel his sanity eroding. The long hours in the tour bus drained his energy and trapped him inside his own dark thoughts with the silence. Of course, Josh was there for him. And he loved Josh. Just not as much as he loved Y/N. Not even close.

That's why it broke him so much when her number appeared on his phone screen as she tried to call him, it must've been about 3am back in Columbus so he didn't hesitate to pick up the phone. His heart instantly lurched as he listened to Y/N's frantic breathing and stifled crying.

"Y/N? What's wrong? Did something happen?" Tyler panicked immediately, praying that she wasn't hurt and that nothing had happened to her.

"I did something stupid... I couldn't help myself... I just feel so... so lost and worthless. I can't live like this Tyler!" The girl choked out.

Every ounce of colour drained from his face. Where Y/N had been there for all of Tyler's achievements and dark days, he had shared hers too; He had offered his hand out to her when he found her crying in the corridor during a lesson. He had held her as she cried for hours after being dumped by her first boyfriend. He had held her hair as she threw up all of the alcohol that she had consumed one night. He had taken all the razor blades out of her house and wrapped her arms in bandages after finding her surrounded by blood in her bathroom. He had taken her to her first ever therapy session. He had played her music to help her get to sleep. He had taken her out of her house on late night trips to sing along to the radio in his car as they sped through the city. He had gone camping with her family so that she wouldn't be stuck there alone. He had always cracked a joke wherever he could because he thought her smile was too beautiful to not exist. He had thought that he'd helped her get better.

"What did you do Y/N? Are you safe?" Tyler asked quietly, not wanting to provoke a reaction.

"There's blood everywhere... I stopped it for now... it doesn't hurt though Tyler... I thought it would hurt. Why can't I feel it Tyler? My world's crashing down around me, nothing's happening anymore. I can't do it. I want it to stop. It's been years Tyler. Nothing ever goes away." The last few sentences were whispered bitterly through shaky breaths, but just loud enough that he could hear it.

His eyes brimmed with tears as he struggled to find words to comfort her.

"We'll be in Ohio in a week, okay? A week. You only have to hold on for that much longer. Please Y/N. Stay with me here. I- We need you." His voice broke as he talked to her through the phone, cradling it to his ear as if Y/N could somehow feel it.

"What's the point. It's all meaningless. I'm meaningless Tyler, I'm sorry for calling you. I'm such a burden-"

"Never say that again. Not to me. Not to anyone. You're not a burden at all. You're so unbelievably amazing Y/N. Please just trust me."

Silence.

Tyler checked to make sure that he was still on the call and that she hadn't hung up. His heart stopped as the silence continued. It was violent. It was tearing into his heart and ripping each artery and vein one by one. His soul was being tormented. He just wanted to hold her. To tell her that she'd be okay. That she's loved. That she's more than what she thinks she is.

He heard a sigh through the phone.

"A week? You're coming in a week?" Her feeble voice was barely audible.

Attempting a strong voice to comfort her, he nodded, "A week. I promise."

"I'll see you soon."

She ended the call and he immediately sank to the floor and cried into his hands. He would see her soon. He could only hope that she'd keep her word and that he could see her at his Columbus concert. His mind was plagued with images of the past, vivid crimson flashbacks of high school. It only made him cry harder. But reminding himself that if she had to pick herself up, he knew that he could stay strong for the two of them. If he saw her when he was back in Ohio, he wouldn't hesitate to tell her just how much he loved her. He was going to quit avoiding the relationship topic and ask for her to stay with him. It made him sick knowing that he had to wake up everyday without her when he was on tour. He wanted her here in the crappy little beds that they had set up, he wanted to see her concentrated face smile during soundcheck. He just wanted her.

These thoughts kept him up for hours, running through his mind with a painful melody. It wasn't until his own clock hit 3am that he pulled out his notebook and sighed. He was restless and overwhelmed by emotion - the perfect conditions for a song. The graphite of his pencil touched the rough pad of paper; he knew what to write instantly.

___

The week went by quickly. Tyler did his shows with as much enthusiasm as he could muster, which wasn't a lot. Every time he was away from his phone he worried about Y/N. He was starting to trust that she wouldn't do anything whilst he was gone but he just wanted to make sure. He had spent every day since her phone call texting her and making sure she was okay. In almost no time at all he was waiting to go to the airport with Josh, wanting to get on the plane and back into Ohio. He had planned a simple day out for Y/N and himself to cheer her up before he had to perform the final concert of the tour.

He had prepared a special something as the finale for this concert, and he couldn't wait for her, along with the rest of the crowd to hear what he was going to sing. He had written a song entirely for her - then he would confess his feelings and maybe she would return them. Then he could comfort her as something more than a friend, if that's what she wanted. Because he was done hiding his feelings from her anymore.

Unfortunately, everything that could have gone wrong that day went wrong. Their car broke down on the way to the airport, meaning that they had to delay their flight, meaning that he and Josh wouldn't get back to Columbus until just before the concert. Tyler was heartbroken to say the least. He texted Y/N about the situation and sent his brother, Zack, to spend time with her instead. Zack had been checking in on her whilst he was gone, and had told him that she was doing a lot better than she had been before. Even though he couldn't be with her now, it made him happy to know that at least someone she trusted would be there to take care of her.

___

An hour before the concert started, he was pacing around the green room as josh tapped rhythmically on the arm of the couch with his drumsticks.

"Just relax man, she'll love the song okay. And she'll love you too. She already does. This will be the best finale ever, just you wait for it." Josh reassured him.

Tyler smiled gratefully but couldn't bring himself to say actual words, leaving him to nod to himself encouragingly. The adrenaline pumping through his body was loud enough to drown out most of his negative thoughts, it wasn't long until he had to go onstage.

___

Three songs in, and Tyler finally spotted Y/N in the crowd. Her Y/EC eyes had lost their vibrancy and the ghost of a smile haunted her face. She was stood next to his brother, Zack, and was still as beautiful as he remembered. The way the lights in the room danced over her Y/SC practically took his breath away. How she still managed to look so flawless he did not know. He continued to sing and play for the entire set, his confidence slowly growing for the finale song.

"Alright guys, I've written a new song to finish the set with. Is that alright for you?"

The room erupted with cheers and shouts and screams.

He took a deep breath and sat down at his piano, waiting for the synth melody to start playing.

"You say things with your mouth, flies and cobwebs some out."

He looked into the crowd and met his eyes with Y/N's. They were wide and interested. Her mouth curved upwards slightly and nodded encouragingly.

"I hear a second voice behind your tongue somehow." He smiled and nodded back at her before returning his attention to the piano keys below him. Then up to Josh, who grinned at him and continued drumming.

"Luckily I can read your mind flies and cobwebs unwind, they will not take you down, they will not cast you out. Out."

The song was going well so far - if he hadn't messed up by now, he was confident he wouldn't for the rest of the song, or he hoped not anyway. He only hoped that Y/N knew it was for her. She had to, right?

"Dear friend he we are again pretending to understand how you think your world is ending, sending signals and red flags in waves, it's hard to tell the difference between blood and water these days, I'll pray that one day you see the only difference between life and dying is one is trying, that's all we're called to do so try to love me and I'll try to save you."

The crowd was loving it, that was for sure. But with all their jumping and cheering, he had completely lost sight Y/N, hopefully this wouldn't matter and that she still knew that he was singing to her. He knew she hadn't left, he could feel her in the room.

"Won't you stay alive? I'll take you on a ride I will make you believe you are lovely Won't you stay alive? I'll take you on a ride I will make you believe you are lovely!"

He stood up from the piano and started jumping, encouraging his audience to do the same. He was grinning ear to ear. He continued to search for Y/N during what was left of the short instrumental piece, but had no luck in finding her.

"Your redemption won't grow stale..."

The rest of the song went beautifully. Some of the crowd had grasped the chorus and sang along with him, but by the time the last few lines had come out of his mouth he couldn't wait to get off of the stage and straight towards his friend.

"You say things with your mouth, Cobwebs and flies come out."

The rooms was filled screams and claps, he smiled brightly at the audience before speaking into his microphone for the last time.

"Thank you for coming everyone, I hope you had a great time! Goodnight."

Josh jogged over to the front of the stage and they bowed together as the lights dimmed. As soon as they were off he darted off to the side of the stage, only to crash in to the person he'd been searching for the entire night.

"Y/N! I'm so sorry about tha- are you alright?" His arms grabbed on to the girl's to make sure she didn't fall from the impact, but his attention was immediately drawn to the tears that poured down her face.

"The song... Tyler, it was beautiful!" She cried softly. His face lit up as he pulled her into a hug, his arms wrapping around her protectively. He burrowed his face into the crook of her neck as she leant into his chest. This felt... right. So unbelievably right. The way they both melted into each other so automatically. He loved it.

"It was for you, you know?" He mumbled into her ear. Time stood still as he waited for her reply, his heavy breathing from the performance had stopped completely.

"Really? M-me?" She breathed, pulling away from him slightly so that she could stare into his eyes. God, her eyes. Tyler loved those eyes.

"Yeah... I uh... after you called me, I just couldn't stop thinking about how much you... how much you mean to me. And I got writing and I wrote it so fast because that's just how I felt, you know? And uh... I said you... you should try to love me? Because..." he took an exasperated breath at his own incompetency to form sentences, but looking down at the girl in his arms showed that she was hanging on to every word. "Because lord knows that I love you- and not the platonic type of love... like, I love love you Y/N. I want to be there for you as so much more than a friend when you're sad, and even when you're not sad. I hate it when you're away from me and when I can't hear your voice, your laugh. Everything."

He looked down at her again, only to see that she was crying again. His heart dropped at the sight and he stepped back in case he had said the wrong thing.

"Y/N-"

But before he could say anymore he felt the girl launch herself at him, wrapping her arms around him tighter than she had ever done before.

"Of course I love you, Ty!" She mumbled against him.

Those six words kickstarted a raging fire inside of his chest. Those six glorious words. His smile grew impossibly wide as he cupped her face with his hand, rubbing his thumb over her cheek to get rid of her tears. Her nose and cheeks were coated with red now, making her more adorable than she previously had been. Tyler couldn't hold back anymore. He leant in slowly until his nose was touching hers and both of them could feel the other's breath dancing over their faces. Y/N was completely stationary, waiting patiently for Tyler to do what she had been waiting for him to do for years. And slowly but surely, his chapped lips met hers, enrapturing her instantly. One hand moved to the back of her neck whilst the other stayed cupping her cheek. Their lips moved in sync slowly, savouring the moment.

It was only once Tyler had run out of air that he pulled away, gently tucking some hair behind Y/N's ear. She giggled and buried her face in his chest. She felt more at peace than she had done in a while. She finally felt like she was home.

"Y/N?"

She looked up into his beautiful brown eyes, nodding her head.

"Come with us on tour next time? Please? I don't like being away from you." Tyler mumbled into her hair, only now realising how needy the question made him sound. But as he looked down at her, he saw her face decorated with a breathtaking smile. He'd forgotten how lovely that smile was.

"You don't even need to ask."

-----

So atm I’m just uploading my least cringe imagines from Wattpad to Tumblr

[onigirishawn]

needy

Hi! I tend to have a very strong connection with the songs I listen to. Thought I’d make it into a series of imagines based on some of my favourite songs

Summary : [Based on the song ‘needy’ by Ariana Grande] “needy” shows how Y/N feels insecure and craves emotional support and attention from Shawn. Though Y/N feels like she’s asking for too much, she at least expects Shawn to appreciate being needed.

Includes ; Triggering topics like bullying and assault

YOUR POV

I nervously walk around the room. Biting onto my already brittle nails. Panicking, unable to think about anything else except the growing anticipation for Shawn’s return. I start to grow uncomfortable, feeling as if I’m suffocating. I rush over to the kitchen counter to pour myself a glass of water. I drink my water shakily and quickly put it down on the counter, still feeling anxious. I’ve been in this distressed state for half an hour already. I wasn’t too sure why I was having this.. I was just looking back on a few photos in my old photo album from a few years back just now and the flashbacks started coming in. I was fragile and easily broken back then... I was only 16 when I faced the bullying, the comments that made me feel so little. Looking back on my high school photos suddenly made me so anxious.

On top of that, social media has been horrible to me. I read through harsh comments about me, ‘Fat cow’ , ‘Unworthy for Shawn’ , ‘Gold digger’ . I knew that this was what I have to go through but today just put me down. How could people be so cruel?

I instantly reminisced on my high school days, where I was going through similar bullying and an abusive relationship with my then-boyfriend who used to make me feel so unworthy. I especially didn’t forget the night he took advantage of me. The night that I still cry myself to sleep about every night.

That was years ago but the pain stains me forever. The comments and actions were still fresh. I told myself so many times , Stop being so dramatic , move on already Y/N! , You’re a disaster but it never stopped. I’ve told Shawn about my horrible past in school but I’ve never told him about my ex-boyfriend who took advantage of me. I felt ashamed of myself. I blamed myself for the night, I should have known better.

Sometimes I feel scared that if I told Shawn... he would leave me.

I jumped to the sound of the door opening. I quickly walked in the hallway where Shawn finds me distraught and red with fresh tears.

“Y/N?” He walked over to me, “Baby.. what happened?” He said as he cupped my face with both hands. I reached out to feel his hands, leaning my head to his hold. “Shawn...” I said tearfully and dropped down to my knees where he quickly held me up to avoid hitting the hard floor. “Baby I’m going to carry you to our room and we’ll talk all about it okay?” He said and I nodded lightly, feeling guilty he had to deal with me being this distraught. Shawn carries my up bridal style and slowly carried me to our shared bedroom.

Why am I doing this to him? I ask myself. I ask so much from him. I know how crazy busy he is as a huge star and here I am crying every night whenever he comes home as he rescues me from my distraught. He never fails to tend me.. but that’s where I grow worried if Shawn might one day get tired and consider me needy and one day.. leave me.

This added more panic to me as I felt my heart race. I fight myself to stop making such a scene but it always gets out. I feel the warmth of the bed, adding a subtle sooth to my worries. Shawn climbs to our bed and slowly wraps the blanket around me. He stays by my side and coos at me to calm down, “Shhh it’s alright baby, I’m here okay?”

I take in big breaths as I look into his deep eyes. I was so scared of losing him one day. “I’m sorry Shawn.. I put you in so much trouble on top of that you have to do so much work and you always come home to me being distraught-“ Shawn kisses my forehead , “Don’t.” He says softly as he brushes a strand from my face. “Baby, don’t ever feel like a burden. You aren’t.” He smiles which soothes me more.

“Baby.. can you tell me what happened?” He continued, back to being worried. I gulp. “It’s just .. it’s just my flashbacks..” I sigh, my usual answer, except there was more to it. “High school?” He nods, understanding quickly. I nod..uncertain.

“Baby.. are there things I don’t know?” He asks. I shot up to his eyes, scared. Does he know? “No-no .. of course not.” I shake my head.

“We’ve been together for 2 years. Please tell me, I won’t judge, you know I love you right?” He begs. Oh Shawn... you probably won’t look at me the same.

I sit myself up, wiping my last remaining tears, trying my best to gain the confidence to tell him. It was time. I had to tell him one day. He wraps his arm around my waist, making me feel better.

“I’ve been feeling this for a while..” I whisper, “You come home to my panic attacks and you deserve to know what really happened.” I sigh. Shawn starts to grow worried. I was too.. I didn’t want to lose him too. “It’s just yes.. it is the high school memories. Those girls who hurt me.. but there was a boy.” I gulp at my last word, Shawn adds more grip on me. “We were 16 and.. he was abusive. I thought he would change. I thought that I could handle it. I thought maybe he did love me and this was just a small part of his flaws.” I cracked through my words,

“But in those 2 years I endured the worst. He would get drunk after parties and pull on my hair and drag me around. At first I thought I should excuse it because he was drunk..but it started getting worse. He verbally abused me whenever I messed up. He would get drunk with his mates and encourage them to ... touch me. In one night... it happened. They touched me.” I choked. I still had a few more words to say, “My parents loved him though. He was rich.. he’d buy them gifts. He’d buy my little siblings gifts. He was so sweet with them.. my family was wrapped around his little finger... which just gave me more reasons why I shouldn’t leave him because my family was expecting a future for us. If my family found out I left him, they’d think I’m a coward. But there was no way I was going to tell them what happened. He would threaten me and tell me how he’d hurt me more if I told them and that I’d be considered a slut. The comments I get on social media just remind me of the past so much.” I cried through my words.

I can’t believe I said it all out. I was scared to look at Shawn’s face. It was just silence between us. “Now you know...you’re probably disgusted with me.” I said while bringing my hands to my face, sobbing.

“Baby.. oh my god baby.” He said as he wrapped me in his arms, allowing me to sob into his shoulder. He wrapped me up so nicely in his arms, adding comfort. Making me feel glad. “Whoever that guy was.. he’s going to hell. And god I hate him so much I just want to break him up. Oh my god I’m so-“ Shawn said in frustration as I felt his hand grip tighten to his frustration. He muffled more curse words as he expressed his anger, it sounded as if he wanted to punch a wall.

“ Babe..can you look at me?” He said after a few moments, I looked up to him and saw his eyes were filled with anger and sadness. “You are the most beautiful soul I’ve ever met in the whole wide world. You’ve been the best friend and girlfriend for me and I can’t express how grateful I am for you in my life. You are a gift from God.” He kisses my forehead many times. “I love you so so so so so much you have no idea.” He was clearly still lost for words. “Please, let me help you go through this. No one deserves this. You don’t deserve this. You’re my baby? How could this happen to such a beautiful soul like you?” He says, tearing up as he rocks our bodies. I feel his tears.

“I will never leave you. I will never ever take advantage of you. I will love you and only you forever. Heck I’ll give up my life for you Y/N.” He whispers into my ear.

I look up to him, “Shawn... I’m sorry.. I’m being so needy.” I cry.

I feel his head shake, disagreeing, “No baby. You make me feel needed. Do you know how good you make me feel? It feels so good to be needed by you.”

I felt so desperate for his touch, I kiss him tearfully. We were both expressing our sadness through a passionate kiss. He kissed my neck and whispered , “You’re so beautiful. I’m so sorry you went through those years baby.”

I rest my forehead on his, “I was worried you’d leave me.. I felt ashamed for my past.” He cupped my face , “Don’t ever. I would never leave you. We can go through this Y/N . Just stay with me and we’ll work this out. I’m going to make sure you feel all my love and appreciation for you every single fucking day.” I nodded and kissed him passionately again.

-

Hoped you guys liked it! I put a lot of heart into it and I hoped it touched your 💓

[letsperaltiago]

you’ve stole my heart and made it your own |Jake x Amy|

Dearest, @amystiago <3

I am indeed your secret valentine 2019 and it with immense pleasure that I present to my gift: a Jake x Amy oneshot (and mood board lol) specially written for this occasion and you! “You’re a hot little piece” like 4-drink Amy would say and I’d also like to add that you’re “Cool cool cool cool cool cool”. I hope you have the loveliest Valentine’s day and like the famous Charles Boyle said: “I hope you like it, but if you don’t I will kILL MYSELF.” 

also I looked up SO MANY super cheesy baby and like father/daughter-songs in order to find a title, so it got ver very emotional but yanno anything for you, my love! 

Lots of love and hugs and happiness from me!

xx your not so secret anymore valentine

((btw Sorry for the ugly ass baby photoshop but i couldn’t help myself aha. anyways))

word count: 3.2k

FEBRUARY 14TH, 2021

If you were to ask Amy Santiago just a year ago what the best sound in the world was, she would’ve more than likely replied that it was either the rumble of her developing label maker or just pure, calm silence on a Sunday morning. In no world could she ever deny that she indeed still enjoyed these very specific sounds, yet these days there was something she loved even more. Something else.

As if on cue, a loud high-pitched wail cut through the bedroom’s until then silence. Automatically and actually on cue - it took no longer than one night of being a parent to learn it by heart - Amy turned over and away from where she’d been snuggled into her husband’s warm chest.

“Don’t get up,” a tired mumble from her husband caught her in the act, making her freeze on the spot and throw a glance over her shoulder. Just as she probably did, Jake looked tired; his head was still smushed into his pillow and allowed his messy morning-curls to dance across its white cotton cover. Though they weren’t yet open - his brain more than often awake before the rest of him - she could easily tell that her husband’s eyes were tired. Not just an ‘I hate getting up before 12 on a Sunday’-kind of tired, but more an ‘I hate getting up before 12 on a Sunday since I woke up twice during the night to check on my crying daughter’-kind of tired. There nothing, not even the exhaustion she felt, that could hold back a small smile.

“I have to. Marcy needs me.” In the midst of pushing herself off and away from the comfort of the mattress, Amy felt her husband’s familiar arms grab her waist before tumbling to a rest in his arms.

“I need you too,” his tired grumble against her ear still caused a shiver to this day. A peck, trying to convince her to stay, followed behind. In vain though it was very tempting to give in. 

“Jake-“

A heavy sigh caused his chest to push against her back, implicitly letting her know that he knew she was right. “I know… But stay in bed, okay? I’ll get her.”

Not that she wanted to object to this but before she even had the chance, it was Jake’s turn to push himself away from his spouse and roll out of bed. Amy secretly loved that their 3-month old daughter was pretty much the only thing that could get him out of bed this fast. It seemed like such a drastic contrast to the nervous Jake that one year ago had freaked out wondering if he could live up to the big role that was a father’s. Not that Amy blamed him for these specific feelings, since they rooted in something so complex and difficult as Jake’s own dad being mostly absent and a scum for most of his son’s childhood. Even considering this - history, feelings, uncertainty - she never actually doubter her husband; not for a second. From the way his eyes had both lit and teared upon in response to her announcement of the pregnancy, Amy had always been sure of one thing and this still applied today: Jake Peralta loved his daughter more than anything else in the world, and handled it with as much humbleness, patience and love as possible after only 3 months of experience. It was safe to say that Amy was beyond proud.

“Hey, Marcipan,” the sound of her husband’s cooing voice as he rounded the corner of their bed snapped Amy out of her thoughts and back into reality. In front of her, by the bassinet placed against the wall parallel to her side of the bed, Jake appeared wearing only his boxers and a ‘Die Hard’ t-shirt which was at least a size or two to big for him. He swiftly reached out to switch on a tiny night light, which sat on the wall above the little one’s bed.

“Stop calling her that,” Amy chuckled tiredly as he leaned down over the bassinet to carefully pick up the little human, before cradling her in his arms and turning back around to face his wife. Gosh, Amy would never get tired of the sight of it. Maybe also why she happened to have at least a 1000 new photos on her phone proving just this point alone. Thank goodness Terry had advised her to upgrade her amount cloud storage. “She’s gonna grow up thinking she’s an almond-confection.”

Jake had to chuckle even and shoot a though his daughter was still letting it be known that she wanted some kind of attention by whimpering in his arms, “Are you denying the fact that my daughter is sweet enough to eat?”

Rolling her eyes and shaking her head was not uncommon in the Peralta-Santiago household and so this comment would not slip by as unnoticed either. “That’s not what I meant. And your daughter? Says the guy who said, and I quote, “Before sunrise she’s your daughter” just a few days ago.”

“Hey! I thought it would be really cool to quote Mufasa, okay? He was a great dad.”

Another roll of the eyes seemed appropriate. “Worth it?”

Amy might’ve been sarcastic, but Jake totally beamed with joy at the thought of the dark 4 AM-wake last week, where he’d delivered the iconic line when his daughter had woken them up with a fuzzy sounds and small whimpers.

FLASHBACK — PREVIOUS WEEK

Amy had immediately reacted at the sound like set to autopilot. Hoping that it was just a one of daughter’s short ‘fuzzy moments’, where she’d fuzz around for a few moments before eventually falling back to sleep without further complaints, Amy decided to stay put where she was currently resting with her upper body on top of her husband’s rising and falling chest. One of his arms was protectively wrapped slouched around across her back whilst the other was stretched out to the side across the empty part of the mattress.

Silence did not ensue the fuzz though, but instead a loud wail-turned-cry. Amy loved her daughter to pieces, but exhausted could not describe what the mother felt after having woken up just an hour ago to feed.

“Jake…” The name barely came out as an actual word and more in the resemblance of an animalistic sound. Emphasising that she wished to stay where she was, Amy scooted herself in deeper into his chest.

“Hmmm…” His mumble let her know that he was definitely in deeper sleep than her.

“Marcy s’wake.” It might’ve seemed like just an obvious statement from her part, which it to some extent was, but also more importantly a hint.

“Hmm ’know.”

After another few seconds of not moving, neither of them, Amy figured she had to vocalise her intentions. “Check on her… Please…”

“Before sunrise she’s your daughter.” Jake didn’t have to open his eyes to know that this had caught his wife’s attention - fully awake or not - and definitely wasn’t pleased with the timing of his Disney-reference. The always quirky and bantering aspect of their relationship definitely hadn’t dissolved because of Marcy, but there was now a sense of time and place that needed to be considered: a pitch dark February morning at 4 AM was not an exception and Jake knew.

“Jake…” Though she wasn’t in on the joke, Amy’s mumble definitely sounded like the one of a displeased lioness, which was kinda hot to Jake but then again: time and place.

“Yeah.” Well-knowing that it was only fair that he got up for this one, very aware of all the hard mommy-hours Amy put in these days even though taking care of Marcy was very equally balanced between the two of them, Jake lazily leaned down to peck his wife’s forehead before gently slipping out from beneath her. “Show me going.”

“Thank you. I love you.”

END OF FLASHBACK

“Though I do not stand by what the quote stands for, I do not regret saying it.”

Marcy’s cries grew louder - completely drowning out everything else - letting her parents know that enough was enough. Actually so much that her cries turned in to straight up howling. Jake’s attention was immediately redirected back to his daughter, concern showing on his face as he kissed her forehead and made his way over to Amy.

“Don’t cry, baby. Daddy’s right here. You hungry?”

Having already propped herself up onto her elbow, Amy pushed away the duvet to welcome her crying daughter into her arms before carefully placing her on the mattress by her chest. “Hey now, Marce. We’re gonna settle that hungry tummy. Just give mommy a second.” Duty called and Amy skilfully pulled up her NYPD-shirt to reveal the nethermost breast before cradling the soft back of her daughter’s head in order to lead her. Behind her, she could feel the mattress dipping under the weight of her husband as he got back under their shared duvet meanwhile a fuzzy Marcy’s head was uncontrollably and unsuccessfully rummaging the area around her mother’s nipple only growing more and more angry; the crying growing more desperate.

“Marcy,” the mother softly cooed as she tried to guide her daughter to where she needed to be. “It’s right there, baby. No need to get angry.”

Jake could only scoot in close to his wife’s back, watching the scene unfold in front of him with dreamy eyes. This - the same exact thing - had happened countless time by now since a 3-month old ate a billion times a day. Yet Jake’s chest never ceased to burst every time he watched his amazing wife take her time with their little one. It seemed banal but it was truly one of his favourite things ever. Nothing or no one else could compare these days.

As a contrast as strong as night and day, the family bedroom was suddenly drenched in complete silence; cries replaced by the gentle slurps and sound of Marcy sucking. A sigh of relief and calmness coming from the very bottom of Amy’s chest seemed heavily appropriate.

“She finally found it,” chuckled Jake, placing an arm around his wife’s chest to hold her while he stroked his daughter’s feet with hands that made the tiny vessel of life seem even smaller. Some would maybe call it banal but to Jake there was nothing more amazing that this. This right here. His best friend and wife quietly breastfeeding their daughter. He still remembered the first time he experienced and felt that slight clench of bliss in his chest oh so clearly.

FLASHBACK - NOVEMBER 10TH, 2020

Overwhelmed was probably the most suiting word as Jake planted a long, tender kiss to his wife’s sweaty forehead to accompany his hand which was holding her firmly while a loud wailing engulfed the room. The wail belonged to his probably not more than 1 minute old daughter: Marcia Santiago-Peralta. The little bean he’d been talking to through Amy’s womb was now a whole, tiny, living human. She was here.

“I’m so proud of you,” his voice was strained with tears just like his eyes as he spoke those words into his wife’s forehead, meaning every syllable more than anything else he’d ever previously said. He always knew that his wife was a total badass - even before they’d started dating - but tonight was the most solid proof. No one needed to tell him that he’d never be able to do what she’d just done. “You’re amazing. I love you so much, Ames.”

Though not letting go of her hand, Jake pulled back to look down at his obviously exhausted by also glowing, always stunning teary-eyed wife and now mom. Her chest was still heaving in attempt to catch up with the breathing she’d completely lost to the last 10 hours of screaming, groaning, crying and pushing - sometimes all of those simultaneously. Not going to lie, Jake had to admit that he’d been rather emotionally unstable during those 10 hours. On the other hand he did managed to keep it inside and be over the top attentive, calm and collected on the outside for Amy’s sake.

“I love you so much too, babe,” she let go of his hand in order to reach up and cup then stroke his cheek with her trembling thumb. Her body was still in an incoherent state of both exhaustion and adrenaline rushing through her, but none of that seemed to matter anymore. Nothing else. “She’s here.”

Brighter, even brighter than when she agreed to marry him, Jake smiled and gave off a weak nod. This woman was indeed his sun and his moon, his everything, and now together they’d created a little star. The feeling seemed beyond words.

“Here she comes.” The voice immediately caused both parents’ heads to snap out of their moment and in the direction of the smiling nurse who walked towards them with their crying daughter. Looking back it seemed rather morbid, but right in that moment there was no sound more beautiful than those cries. Next thing he knew Marcia was resting stomach down on her mother’s chest. Amy’s hands immediately and instinctively wrapped theirselves around her - one supporting her bottom as the other carefully held and stroked her head - before leaving down to kiss the soft top.

“Hi, baby,” she addressed the little human calmly through the loud crying in an attempt to soothe both Marcy and herself. “No need to cry. Mommy is here and she loves you so so much.”

Jake carefully leaned down, resting a hand on his daughter’s back before carefully pecking the spot Amy had previously kissed. “Welcome, Marcy,” he sniffed, trying to compose himself before continuing to speak, ”I’m your daddy.”

Another few beats of cries, tears and loving words mingled in the room before the same nurse who’d brought them Marcy politely interrupted them. “I think it’s time for you to feed her, Amy. She’s probably hungry and it’ll also calm her down.”

Amy listened carefully, looking up at the nurse from her sitting position in her bed with attentive doe-eyes as the process was briefly explained to her. Jake’s hand was on her shoulder know, gently rubbing it as he felt his wife tense when the nurse told her to go ahead and push up her shirt. He leaned down to whisper in her ear, “Hey,” he pecked the shell reassuringly. “You’ll do fine, Ames. The worst is behind us. I’m right here.”

After randomly choosing a side and pushing up the shirt, too focused to actually vocally answer and instead just nodding, Amy carefully - as if she was handling fine china - placed their daughter horizontally against her chest and followed the nurses instruction. Marcy was still crying hysterically, squirming discontentedly when Amy cupped the back of her head, holding it still and guiding it towards the bare nipple which she was told to stabilise with her free hand. All at once it seemed overwhelming and clumsy to Amy, especially when the baby kept crying and missing the goal. But Jake could only sit in his chair, which he’d pulled as close to the bed as possible, and stare with admiration.

The need to cry definitely didn’t grow smaller. “Shh shh, Marcy. It’s okay, baby. I’m trying to help you,” Amy cooed.

Suddenly a contrasting silence engulfed the room. Wide smiles grew on both of the new parents’ faces. “Jake! She’s sucking! She got it!” Amy chuckled with relief, once again teary eyed as she snapped her head in the direction of her already looking husband.

Slowly as to not interrupt Jake reached across the edge of the bed to stroke his daughter’s head. She’d only been around for a couple of minutes but somehow Jake couldn’t get enough of her. He just wanted to touch and hold her forvever. “She’s brilliant...” Then he turned his gaze towards his wife who couldn’t stop looking down at what was happening right there in her arms.

She must’ve noticed because suddenly she tore her eyes away from her daughter to instead look at her husband. A fond silence and stare was shared between the two, lasting for who knows how long, before Jake decided to finish his sentence. “Brilliant just like her mom.”

END OF FLASHBACK

“Yeah,” Amy’s voice clearly smiled. After making sure her daughter was indeed properly installed and comfortable, the mother allowed her arm and head to lie back down onto the pillow, yet still keeping her hand on the back of the baby’s head. Her fingers, including both her engagement and wedding ring, softly stroked the soft skin and feathery, tiny hairs. A beat of a moment later Amy could feel her husband settling down behind her properly, keeping her close, and gently placing his head on top of hers. Together in silence they took in the miracle in front of them. Nothing better than this little miracle of life had ever been given to them. The quiet suckling went on, working as a calming sound machine for the tired parents whose eyelids were heavy as yet they couldn’t get themselves to close them just yet. Amy felt a press of lips against the side of her neck.

“Happy Valentine’s day. I love you so much,” followed behind, soaking into the skin of his wife’s neck in the form of a muffled promise. “Not just today, but also all the days before and all the days forever after.”

Shivers of pure love and happiness went through Amy’s entire body.

“I love you too. So very much…”

Without bothering their daughter, Amy emphasised her response by twisting her back to the side to look at Jake. Meeting her halfway, their lips met in a soft, chaste kiss that contain all the love in the world. Not only for each other, but for their daughter and family as well. When pulling back, Jake took a moment to take in his wife’s tired but nonetheless always beautiful features. His eyes reflected the light from the still switched on night light, only emphasising the stars of adoration that already shined within them.

“We’ve obviously had other priorities lately, so I haven’t had the time to plan anything this year… But if you’re up for it I’d be more than willing to work something out?” Jake spoke, carefully keeping his voice at a reasonable level. While he did love his daughter more than anything, he also loved ‘mommy and daddy-time’, which was basically only an option when their little one was either asleep or eating. Or both. It was all about seizing the little moment before it was too late.

A beat of a paused let him know that she was thinking, only to be interrupted by her daughter’s mouth slipping off her mother’s nipple. Small whimpers of frustration immediately began to grow. Luckily the mother’s hand was quick to lead her daughter back on track, silencing her once again. Amy smiled to herself in content then twisted her neck to somewhat face her husband again.

“Jake… It’s okay. I’m completely content with this. I don’t need anything else today or any day ever. This is the perfect Valentine’s day. Thank you.”

[rollzerox]

(Part two) but is trying really hard not to show it because yona is right there and he had to be cool. But yona notices, and comforts him. It takes another hour for the others to find them, at that point jeaha wishes it took them just a little longer (Sorry if im bugging you, i just wanted to share this with someone.) ((Btw love the Lina Au. Cute and angsty at the same time. I cried while reading the one where she found out about the dragon powers))

I decided toplace this right after my Crimson Emerald Rays prompt that AU’d the wander’smarket, so this would be right before they arrive at Shisen so this would beexactly after chapter 76 ^^ Hope you enjoy!

 “ReallyJae-ha I could have handled this myself.” Yona pursed her lips as the GreenDragon insisted on coming with her to gather firewood. They each had a largebundle as they were heading back to camp. “Hak and Kija were busy hunting soit’s the least I could do, hopefully we can find an inn once we get to Shisentomorrow, everyone needs a good rest.”

 “Oh kiddoyou’re adorable how you want to do everything yourself.” Jae-ha laughed,smiling warmly at her. “Can’t you just accept we beasts want to take care ofyou? Not that I’m complaining, seeing that stubborn look on your face is simplybeautiful when you tried to lift more than you can handle.”

 ‘Great he saw my bad side again… Just when Ithought I could do better.’ Yona pursed her lips, but felt kind of happy hecame along. She liked talking with Jae-ha and ever since yesterday she seemedto notice she was extremely comfortable talking to him about anything. Maybe itwas because he didn’t judge her like others would, and gave her a differentperspective on things. He was the type to speak his mind and it didn’t matterabout her status as a princess or anything like that, he just treated her likea normal girl and she appreciated that. “You just say that because you seem toadmire strong women who can take care of themselves, like Captain Gigan.”

 “Guilty.” The Ryokuryuu chuckled at that.“I respect your desire to grow stronger though, and your growth really has beenadmiring to watch. And that determined look you had in your eyes when youdecided to take us all into battle, you sure didn’t look like some scared kid.”He smiled, admiration on his face as he caught himself reflecting on it a bittoo much. ‘Gah, dragon’s blood is actingup again…. Why now?’ he smacked his fist against his chest as his heart wasbeating fast.

 Yona smiledat that, blushing at his praise. “I’m glad you don’t regret coming along withus then.”

 “Far fromit, it’s been really fun.” Jae-ha nodded, shaking his head to clear histhoughts as he was still cursing out his blood still. “Not at all what Iexpected for when the so called legendary dragons would gather, had I knownthis I wouldn’t have run from it all my life.” He chuckled. “For the first timeI really feel comfortable and at ease, even in Awa I always figured one day I’dleave and be back to running, especially if my so called ‘master’ would come for me. Though serving someone as beautiful asyou doesn’t seem all bad, maybe for my heart sometimes judging by Hak’sexpressions.” He laughed. “But he sure is committed to the job. And I doubt youever really must worry about him quitting, Yona dear.”

 “I’m notworried about that Jae-ha, after all Hak took his vow to my father seriously.”Yona said, smiling warmly. “… I just worry he’ll continue to put what he wantsto the side for my safety and to stay by my side… I don’t want him to sacrificeanymore, especially after he almost lost his life more than once.”

 “Sometimes Ireally wonder if you are a princess.” Jae-ha smiled warmly at her. “A normalroyal would be only worried about themselves and not their protectors likethis. Yet you concern yourself with all our safety and rather do thingsyourself than put us in harm’s way….”

 “Trust me Iwas a selfish brat back in the palace.” Yona groaned just remembering her daysback in the kingdom. “Hak can tell you all about it. Back then all I ever caredabout was my hair, jewels, and…” she froze just thinking about Soo-won, unableto say his name. She lowered her head and stood still for a moment, goingsilent. ‘Huh… Usually thinking aboutSoo-won used to hurt more than this but… Maybe I’m finally starting to move onfrom it, thanks to all the friends I have now… Though now that I think aboutit, I never really thought anyone was handsome like Soo-won until yesterdaywhen I found myself thinking about Jae-ha…’ she looked up at Jae-ha,blushing as she realized he had stopped and his face was close to hers, hishand on her forehead checking her temperature. “J-Jae-ha?!” her eyes widened.

 “Are youalright Yona dear? You suddenly stopped and didn’t look well and didn’t respondto me.” Jae-ha frowned, pulling back. “Yoon said you seemed restless lastnight, couldn’t sleep?”

 Yona feltlike her heart was beating like a drum, why did his closeness bother her somuch right this moment? “I-I’m fine… I just couldn’t seem to sleep some thingswere on my mind and I couldn’t calm down…” she mumbled, looking away.

 “Oh? Why?”Jae-ha asked, blinking.

 ‘I couldn’t stop thinking about you…’was what popped into Yona’s brain…. And her eyes nearly shot out of her headwhen she comprehended what her mind was thinking. ‘I CAN’T SAY THAT!’ shementally scolded herself, her whole face painted scarlet. ‘What is wrong with me?! I can’t say something crazy like that!’she shook her head. “N-nothing important.” She quickly turned and tried tostart walking again, but then she heard a loud boom as thunder roared the sky,she hadn’t even noticed the clouds gathering and that storm on its way. Rainstarted to fall and they still had a way to go to get back to camp.

 “Un-oh,looks like a storm we better hurry back.” Jae-ha frowned, looking at the sky.“Shall we then Yona dear?” he offered, placing the wood down to offer his openarms to lift her up. “You can hold onto the firewood while we fly in the sky.”

 Yona smiledat his offer, nodding as she was about to take it when another loud boomstartled her just as thunder struck one of the trees in the forest, causing oneto come crashing towards them. “Look outJae-ha!” she shouted, but suddenly they were in the air as he grabbed her,dropping the wood they gathered but her safety was his main concern.

 “Maybe itwould be best we look for shelter first.” Jae-ha said, holding the princessclose as he took a few short hops towards a small cavern. “We can hide in hereuntil the rain stops.” But there was another thunder strike, right as theystepped into the cavern, and suddenly there was a cave-in.

 “Yona!”Jae-ha immediately pushed Yona further inside, but got himself caught in thecave-in, getting buried under the rubble.

 “JAE-HA!” Yona gasped in horror seeinghim crushed under the rocks, his upper body wasn’t covered so she could see himthough it looked like his head got injured in the process. But his legs werecovered and their exit as well, she tugged on his arms trying to free him buthe was stuck badly. So she moved and tried to lift a boulder that had landed onhis leg, the main reason she couldn’t move him at all. “Jae-ha! Jae-ha wakeup!” she sobbed, concerned for her friend.

 “Unnnn….” The Ryokuryuu stirred for amoment, barely opening his eyes that tried to adjust to the darkness. “…. Yonadear? Are you alright?” he asked.

 “I’m finebut you’re hurt!” Yona said in a panic, still trying to move that boulder offhim.

 “Stand back…” Jae-ha warned, adjustinghimself as he waited for Yona to move, he quickly slammed his right footagainst the boulder to free his left leg, which split the rock in half andallowed him to scoot towards the cavern’s wall. It was a really small cave sothere wasn’t much room for them both. “Damn… I don’t think it’s broken but ithurts like hell, my dragon leg took the brunt of it.”

 “And we’retrapped…” Yona shivered, getting flashbacks to when they had that horriblecave-in that time in Shin-ah’s village.

 “I can getus out…” Jae-ha grit his teeth, attempting to stand on his injured leg so thathe could use his dragon one to break the rocks but he couldn’t stand on it, heimmediately fell right back down, cursing the pain. “Damn it all…”

 “Jae-hadon’t! You’re injured!” Yona scolded, helping him into a sitting position asshe leaned over him. “I’m sure Hak the others will look for us soon enough withthe storm. Kija can sense you so they’ll find us, don’t worry.”

 The GreenDragon hissed again at the pain, it was only then he realized his head was insplitting pain from one of the rocks that hit him, but that’s also when henoticed how tiny the cavern they were currently in… And that’s when it hit himthey wouldn’t have much air for long, not to mention it was such a small place,reminding him of that terrible room from his youth that he was shackled to…

 ‘Don’t think about that right now, you haveto stay calm for Yona’s sake.’ He scolded himself, shutting his eyes. ‘Breath… Breath… You have to stay togetheror you’re going to make her panic, she’s right Kija should be able to lead theothers to us and dig us out easily… If only I could stand I could try kickingour way out, though that might start another cave-in….’ his train of thoughtwas cut off as Yona was untying her sash and wrapping it around his head,trying to cover a bleeding wound. “Sorry you have to see me in such…Unbeautiful condition…” he tried to joke, opening his eyes and he didn’trealize just how close she was until he came into focus and met her amethysteyes.

 Jae-hafroze, his eyes widened as he saw her concerned face and features up close,even with the dimly lit cavern and her face just inches from his. ‘By the dragon gods, has she always beenthis beautiful? She’s so close I could almost-‘ his head unconsciouslyleaned closer until he caught himself, immediately starting to curse himselfout. ‘God damn it dragon blood this isnot the time nor place for that!’

 “I’m sorryJae-ha is it too tight?” Yona asked, noticing his expression and worried shedid it wrong. “Just you’re bleeding and I was trying to put something on it.”

 “N-no it’sfine kiddo, just my leg hurts.” Jae-ha shut his eyes, cursing out his urge tojust pull her into his arms and kiss her right now. ‘Seriously what is with this dragon’s blood? Why does it keep havingto act so confusing in a situation like this? She’s just a-‘ his train ofthought was cut off as he opened his eyes again as he felt her hand on hischeek. “… Y-Yona dear…” his eyes methers and he was melting as he studied her features. Her lips parted with worryand her eyes looking at his with pity for his injuries, her cheeks a hint ofred and he could feel her breath against his face, adding to his raging desireto just wrap her up in his arms and smother her in love in affection, but thatthought made him shut his eyes once more.‘STOP IT! These feelings aren’t mineand I’m sick of them being forced on me! Besides she already has Hak and Iwouldn’t dare take away from him-‘

 “Jae-ha,it’s ok.” Yona’s voice snapped him back to reality as his eyes opened oncemore, surprised at how calm she was being in this situation. “You don’t have tobe brave on my account, really.” She smiled warmly. “I know you’re worriedabout my safety but I’m sure the others will find us, knowing Hak he’ll noticethe storm and insist on looking right away.”

 Jae-ha lookedat her with surprised, chuckling lightly. “… You really surprise me, Yona dear.Here I should be the one reassuring you right now… I would think you’d be atleast a bit concerned with our situation.”

 “I’m moreworried about your injuries.” Yona admitted, brushing a bit of his hair to theside to check his face for any other head wounds. “As far as being trapped, Iguess it doesn’t bother me too bad because I feel safe by your side.” She smiledat him. ‘Huh now that I think about it, Iwas more scared that time we had that cave in at the Seiryuu Village. But herewith Jae-ha, I feel at ease, maybe because I know the others are out there and onthere way, that must be it.’ She shook the thought off. ‘Right now I need to focus on him, he’s clearly hurt and not doingwell. He’s trying to give a brave face but I can just tell it’s him trying tohold together so I don’t panic… That’s really sweet.’

 TheRyokuryuu seemed taken aback by her words, seeing her so… Concerned for him andhis wellbeing was something he really wasn’t used to. Sure the pirates caredabout him but remembering back to the days at his village, being chained tothat room and the beatings he’d get from his predecessor… It made his heartthump that she cared so much for her comrades, and her smiling face wasactually making him feel better too. “…. Just seeing you safe and smiling… Icouldn’t ask for anything more, Yona dear.”

 Yona’s facepainted scarlet from his words, her hand still on his face and they were juststaring at each other still. She let out a soft giggle, still smiling at him. “You’rea charmer even when you’re covered in wounds, Jae-ha.” She figured it wasanother one of his playful flirts he often did with her, but did it ever senther heart racing. “Just take it easy, we’ll be ok.” She pressed her lipstimidly against the top of his head, a gesture Hak had done to her before whenputting her at ease when she was upset, so she saw no harm in it.

 But for Jae-hait made his heart hammer worse in his chest, he knew she meant it in aninnocent, platonic way, but a part of him inside that he argued was just thedragon’s blood stirring him up wanted to wrap her up and take it further. Thissmall room was driving him crazy and her presence was the only thing keepinghim from losing his mind. Without thinking, after all his head was throbbing inpain, possibly from the blood loss, he took her hand and caressed it. “Yona…” he whispered huskily, their eyesmet once again as she looked at him unsure what he was doing. Reaching his handup to caress her cheek and weave his fingers into her hair, he leaned forwardtowards her enticing parted lips, just inches from his connecting…

 CRACK!A loud noise shattered one of the large boulders blocking their exit, as light filledthe small cavern and the sound made Yona spin around, her face lighting up. “Hak! Kija!” she cried. “In here! Jae-ha’shurt really bad!”

 ‘Damn couldn’t they have waited five seconds…?’Jae-ha found himself disappointed they were being rescued right now… Andhis eyes widened at that train of thought. ‘Whatthe hell am I thinking?! God dammit dragon blood of all things now you want meto take advantage of a girl’s naive kindness? What in the world is wrong withme?! I nearly-‘ he held his head with one hand realizing he was just mereseconds from stealing a kiss from Yona’s lips and it was driving him mad why hewas so driven to do that, and his heart was still going a mile a minute. ‘… That was too close.’ He shook hishead.

 Yona’scheeks were still red from his closeness but she did wonder just what was he goingto do back there? ‘I wonder if he waspushing out his forehead to check his temperature? I mean… It wasn’t like hewould…’ her heart gave a thump just thinking about how close their lips were.‘Come on heart, calm down. We’re safenow.’ She smiled and stood up, rushing to Hak who was panting from digging ashe grabbed her to check if she was safe.

 “We betterget you back to Yoon, can you stand?” Kija asked, offering to carry Jae-ha withhis dragon hand. “How did you two end up in here?”

 “Trust me itwasn’t a very beautiful moment for me.” Jae-ha chuckled lightly, nodding as hestood with the help of the White Dragon.

 Hakcontinued to grumble how he couldn’t leave the princess out of his sight andYona the whole way back found herself looking at her Ryokuryuu the whole time,barely processing what the Thunder Beast said. She still felt that ping in herheart and a weird sense of disappointment their moment alone together was over,and she didn’t quite understand why… Shouldn’t she be happy they were saved? ‘For some reason today feels so strange…Must be my imagination.’