#I did this in like an hour and a half wtaf

[fuzziiwuzzii]

🩸💖THE VAMPIRE ARMAND💖🩸 Random as hell but I'm very easily excitable right now and I had a vision

[joekeeryswife]

hi hihi can u do an age gap fic w alex - like both alex and reader are famous and reader gets a ton of hate for dating him and alex js comforts reader 😕

Age Gap - a.t

a/n: hey loves! i haven’t written for alex in ages! my requests are open for him so please send me some through, enjoy 🫶🏼 y/n is 26 and Alex is 38

you had been with Alex for over a year and a half but only just recently announced it. you knew that you both would get hate for it but you didn’t realise the extent of hate you would receive. you had a big following, you were a famous supermodel and an influencer and met Alex when you were at one of the music release parties and hit it off straight away.

you’d gotten hate before, being a model came with the thousands of people hating on you just for being yourself but it never got to you because you knew that these people were either jealous or just bored and you never even looked at their comments because it wasn’t worth it.

there had been speculation of you and Alex being together your whole relationship which never bothered you, you didn’t feel the need to explain yourself when people would ask questions about it but you and Alex were both sick of not being able to go out in public and do normal stuff together.

Alex had gone out to the studio a few hours ago to do some recording and you took the opportunity to look through the comments of your post. you weren’t shocked at you getting hate but shocked at the amount of hate you were receiving.

your post was cute, a few pictures of you and Alex in a photobooth together which showed how much you were in love and you were upset that people didn’t agree. there were obviously hundereds of lovely comments, people saying how great you looked together, how loved up you looked but they were overwhelmed with the thousands of hate comments.

yn.yln: 🤍 @AlexTurner

View 104,628 comments

honeymoon: babies🥹

yourbestfriend: surprised i could keep this quiet 🤫

ynfan01: YAY OMFG

ynfan5183: NEVER BEEN SO EXCITED IN ALL MY LIFE

arcticm0nkeys: ew wth. Alex should be with someone older than this girl, isn’t she like 20 or something?

fan61838: y/n is so gorgeous i can’t deal! Alex is a lucky guy.

user0183: no one wants you here, you shouldn’t be with someone like Alex. he deserves so much better than you.

user163: wtaf is this. why would he want her?

yn.alexfan163: the update we have all been waiting for🤭

user74: no because tell me why alex chose her? she is way too young.

monkeys5363: our boy looks so happy, they deserve the world 🥰

user260: please leave y/n, you don’t deserve alex.

monkeysfan: alex looks so happy guys, leave them be 🫶🏼

ynswife: they’re so in love🫶🏼

alexturnershair: don’t even they looks so happy🥹

user54: these photos are vile. Alex honey we forgive you for choosing her but please leave. you deserve someone so much better than y/n.

your eyes filled with tears and you quickly put your head in your hands. the hate never usually got to you but this was a whole new level. were these people right? did alex really deserve someone better? were you really too young for him? your mind was filled with a million questions. what if alex decided that you were too young for him and that he deserved someone better than you?

a few tears spilled down your cheeks, this was awful. you had never felt so pick on up until now. yes you were a lot younger than him but that didn’t mean you weren’t mature enough. it wasn’t like you were underage, you were a full grown adult and these people were picking on you because you were younger than alex?

your mind was going so crazy that you didn’t even hear Alex come through the front door. he had even called out to you and got worried when he got no response. he found you sat curled up on the sofa, your small sobs could be heard and his body filled with worry.

“sweetheart? what’s happed?” he quickly sat down next to you and pulled your body into his. he kissed your forehead and rubbed his hand up and down your back soothingly. he heard you sniffle as you tried to calm yourself down but it was no use, a sob escaped you making his heart break. “take a deep breathe, talk to me honey”

you tried to regulate your breathing, listening to his heartbeat as you hugged him closer. “you’re gonna leave me” he was confused, where has this come from? it was completely out of character for you and he had never ever seen you like this before. “what are you on about baby, i’m not going to leave you” he felt your arms squeeze his waist.

you pulled away so you could look at him, his face was filled with concern and confusion. “i was reading the comments on our photo” he sighed, he knew something like this would happen when you announced your relationship but he didn’t think it would make you cry like this. “you shouldn’t read them sweetheart, you know them people are just jealous” his thumb reached out to stroke your tear stained cheeks.

“i know but they were all saying how you deserved so much better than me and how im way too young for you. that you deserve someone who’s closer to you in age and it just got my mind going. maybe you do deserve better than me” now his heart had full on shattered. you sounded so vulnerable and scared and the look on your face made it even worse. you just looked so sad and he hated that. deep down he was fuming that these people had made you cry but he didn’t want to show you that.

“do you really think i listen to what the comments have to say? do you think i let my so called fans dictate my life? i don’t listen to them. they can’t decide who’s good for me and who’s not, they don’t even know me. and if i had an issue with your age i wouldn’t of dated you in the first place, it isn’t like you’re a minor. you’re an adult same as what i am. i know it’s hard to not read the comments but i really don’t give a shit about what they say” his eyes were soft as he looked at you, he hated that these people had made you this upset.

“i love you and those dickheads can just fuck off. you are the only girl for me, yes i’ve had relationships in the past but i’ve never ever felt like this and we don’t need their input, we never did before so why listen now” he lent in and gave you a quick kiss on the lips. “now i bet there were some nice comments in there, they can’t be all bad surely” you showed him your phone which was still showing the post.

he looked through the comments and shook his head as he read the bad ones. “most of these people don’t even follow me, they’re just doing it because they want attention and they want to hurt you but don’t let them get to you, they’re just a bunch of assholes who don’t have a life” he passed your phone back to you and pulled you into him again.

“you’re too pretty to cry honey, i love you and that’s all that matters. no more looking at these silly comments” he felt you nod “i love you too” he kissed your forehead softly.

[malereadermaniac]

Go to bed ~ Leon Kuwata x Male Reader

Leon trying to flirt word count: 650 m!reader (no genitalia mentioned) / FDNI

It was early in the evening, 9pm sharp

You'd been scrolling mindlessly on tiktok for the past hour

You come across a video you felt you just needed to share, so you post it on your Insta story

Hoping you can making your friends giggle at it

Of course, Sayaka replies to it, and the two of you spiral into a conversation

But halfway through your convo with Sayaka, you get a message from none other than Leon

You and Leon were good friends, you liked the red-head, you went to hid games and cheered him on louder than anyone else

He fucking loved it when he heard your voice in the crowd

Leon had recently realised he had the fattest crush on you, so he did what any reasonable person would do and asked a friend for help

However, that friend he asked was Mondo.

Who encouraged Leon to talk to you as much as he could and to try exert dominance

"Cause a guy like (y/n) would totally love a dominant typa guy ya know?" - verbatim Mondo's advice to Leon

You end your conversation with Sayaka and go check what Leon sent you

It was a short reply to your story

"Go to bed, it's late"

You audibly chuckled, you looked at the time on your phone

It was barely 9:30

What the hell was Leon on to be going to bed so early?

"Bro it's 9:30 it's so early wdym???"

"This is actually late for me, I go to bed at 9 pm, its much better for you yk"

"Oh really now?"

"Yeah, clearly why I'm so much healthier and better than you"

Oh no...

Leon clearly misunderstood the kind of dominance Mondo meant.

....

....

"(Y/n)? You still there?"

You left him on seen again and then shut off your phone

"Oi (y/n)!"

"Shit please dont ignore me."

"I'm sorry okay"

"(Y/nnnnn)"

Leon was panicking, spam texting you as you put your phone on silent and went to bed

Guess he achieved his goal of getting you to go to bed

But he pissed you off while doing so

Truthfully you didn't care, Leon was ditzy from time to time and didn't think before he spoke

You were used to it

But you took up the opportunity to make the man frantic

You weren't thick, you knew the baseball player was crushing on you

And you were crushing on him too, hard

So knowing that Leon was now worrying that he messed up his chances with you gave you a sick pleasure - you didn't care if it was just the tiniest bit toxic

The next morning you woke up well rested

Your phone now plastered with message notifications from a certain ginger

You open them and send one quick message

"Oops I fell asleep sorry... Guess you are better than me for that haha ❤️"

Leon stopped in his tracks when he read that message, toothpaste falling out of his mouth as he froze

The sportsman quickly finished brushing his teeth and screenshot the message

Sending it to Mondo, frantically messaging him

"WHAT DOES THE HEART MEAN OMFG WHAT???"

"AHHHHH"

"HFHFJFHSJDNDN"

"Dude chill.... he defo fucks with u" mondo replies half asleep

Leon short-circuits, mindlessly changing as thoughts of a relationship with you fly through his head

He was like a schoolgirl, but he had reason to, in his eyes you were the finest of men

"Good morning~" you say with a smile as you sit down next to the muscular man

"Hey, beautiful~" he mumbles flirtily

"Oh? That's a new one?"

"Yeahhh figured I should up my game if I wanna get with you by the end of the year"

Holy shit you were shocked just how much that one heart emoji riled the ginger up

"Hold your horses, BallBoy... who said I was getting with you?" You tease him

"Oh just you wait, (n/n)..."

Short but eh whatevs!!

This has happened to me before - I doubt he meant it as anything but I just remember the situation while writing this and wtaf...

Anyway hope u enjoyed!

[inolienkiki]

OH MY FUCKING GOD DARK ONE FORGOTTEN im fuckingf sobbing what was that. why arent people talking about that. it was so good and im gonna have a headache tonight because i cried but i don't care because i heard this story. go listen to it now

and I had it in my notes! I had this idea in my notes!! (went and checked and it's not in my notes) ok but at some point I wrote down a character who uses a curse to their advantage, and then I read alcatraz and was like oh that's not what I meant but I guess it's fun, but THIS. THIS DOES IT. SO WELL. and at some other point I wrote a short story about a functionally invisible character and that was before i read the schwa was here and this is actually one of my favorite tropes but this is the best one. this is absolutely the best one. endorsing dark one forgotten as the best functionally invisible story

went on coppermind to find the actors and coppermind forgot about them tooooo chris and sophie don't even have coppermind pages wtaf why did no one listen to this

i think its rachel jacobs and sophie oda and i can't find much info about either of them but they were boht fucking amazing. dear god thank you rachel jacobs. the number of times you said the other actors were really good and then you completely blew them out of the water. you made me tear up at least twice and the other time it was sophie oda so points to all of you

the story. can't even explain waht thsi is. true crime horror mystery fantasy? and I don't even like the first half of that sentence but I don't care because the story punched me in the gut and I didn't even need to understand the worldbuilding. chris asked questions and consulted experts and ran experiments and she got my heart. skeptical about sophie but she was there the entire time. not her project, not her obsession, not her responsibility, but she stayed, and she helped. chris and sophie said they weren't a couple and I was immediately like "yeah if they weren't both women(, bitch) that would be foreshadowing" and IT WAS FUCKIGN FORESHADOWING istg. This. This is also the best romance. And I hate romance I'm arospec lmao but dear god this got me. the sheer dedication to stare at somebody for eight god damn hours straight and then the music box scene. the music box scene. I got to it and I knew it was going to happen as soon as sophie asked but it still blew my mind and broke my heart that she did. because sophie is the best person in the world.

I have not been making sanderson reread update posts, and I read rithmatist and all of reckoners, but I'd already read most of those and there's nothing notable about lux except the plot holes and they didn't hit me hard like fucking dark one forgotten did. i barely knew this existed. It came out during the year of sanderson and yet nobody includes it in the book count. (There were 8 books/stories released, cowards, not 5.) but also I feel the need to mention that I thought dark one was quite good as well, but also that it feels like only the first chapter of a story so I can't say much else as of yet, I guess? I need more dark one. now. anything mirandus. why is nobody talking about this thing

also I feel the need to mention that there were she-ra references? like, references to the reboot, which is hands down my #2 favorite show (can't compete with dark but nothing can lol). and they were good references and they made sense. I started laughing hysterically when sophie said "hey adora". has brandon sanderson watched she-ra and the princesses of power? is this canon? I mean he definitely needs to

[tinseltina]

i'm gonna rant about bayo 3 for a bit

SPOILERS AHEAD IM NOT PUTTING THIS UNDER A READ MORE I WANT MY RAGE TO SHOW PROUDLY

i hate viola. i hate viola because she's too much like luka and i hate luka and i hate clumsy characters as comic relief. and i assume that because of her inclusion THATS why we see so little of luka in the game (aside from all the other subplot for him or maybe BECAUSE of the subplot for him or a result of having his subplot) because it'd be too much clumsy dumbsy comic relief characters.

2! WTAF WAS THAT ENDING?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN BAYO AND LUKA END UP TOGETHER?! THEY LITERALLY HAVE NEVER HAD ANY CHEMISTRY IN THE ENTIRE SERIES!!!

MAYBE i can accept in another timeline/universe they got together and had a baby, i shudder to even think about that labor process (probably almost started armageddon early)

but THIS timeline? nahhhhh NO WAY! (yes i am aware of the theory that this is little cereza from bayo 1 grown up and she had a fondness for luka in that timeline for taking care of her. but it doesn't actually track for me for a couple of reasons i won't go into) THAT'S A SHOEHORN IN.

am i mad bayo and jeanne don't at least get hinted of being together? yeah, but most of it IS because of the actual chemistry and close relationship they have/d.

it's frustrating to see better relationship writing only when the characters are friends, and the actual romantic interests are dull and shallow. they vague flirtation does not a good romance make.

3. AND FRIGGIN VIOLA BECOMES THE NEW BAYO? GTF OUTTA HERE! AGAIN SHE'S WAY TOO MUCH LIKE LUKA TO TAKE UP THE MANTLE!

sure she's young, but bayo IS meant to be a campy but OP badass, viola doesn't have that (yet). she's just campy, but in a goofy way. in an (unintentional) comic relief way.

i had this thought while watching the cutscenes that this is both the gayest yet most hetero bayo game to date. gay in a "we watched 175 seasons of rupaul's drag race, paris is burning, and at least 100 hours of ballroom performances and competitions.

you get sexiness (arguably less sexiness/fan service than previous installments. bc to me it feels less like it's appealing to straight dudes and more like i'm simply watching a drag queen perform or a burlesque show. wherein the sexiness is primarily for the performer to feel good and express their own art and message.) you get a bit of comedy, you get lots of dancing, but it's also very fierce all the while. to me it felt like the devs realized the target audience/biggest fans were the girls and gays, and, in the words of bayo, "gave [them] everything [they] want"

every different version of bayo throughout the universes? different runway, their different weapons and fighting styles? different performance categories. it was all very fun to me.

i don't think viola can do any of that. that's not her style, she wants to be a cool badass and that's it. but that's NOT bayo. it never has been. if viola (if there was ever a continuation with her as the protagonist) doesn't have a total personality change, then she'll never be able to fill the shoes of bayonetta.

and then the bayo+luka endgame thing. thats the hetero bit. like, that didnt need to be there. heck they could both go to inferno together idc but dont leave like "and in the end they were actually soulmates" bs cuz it was clearly jeanne who is bayo's other half (whether platonic or romantic)

AND ANOTHER THING!!! why did they kill all the bayos? that was a total bummer. it made me cry. like was this platinums way of saying "no more bayo ever again. now leave us alone"

dmc5 wasnt this much of a bummer. and at least they had the excuse of nero already having been a protag who did was dante did before so it's not unusual for him to take up the dmc business. he's just not as funny as dante but he has snark and other characters to play off of that makes him entertaining. the bayo route would have been like if V survives and takes over DMC. WOULDNT FIT TONALLY.

[starjxsung]

Hi hello star!! my first ask on here woo it’s going to be quite long one hehe I love you

I forgot to take my antidepressants in the morning but because I couldn’t remember I didn’t want to take them again Incase I did 😭

I usually make breakfast for my dad or he does it himself and today he was like no let me do it this time and then asked me if I had eaten breakfast (which I did) he loves to have someone join him so for lunch I made chorizo with potato for both of us and when I made the plate for him he kept asking me if I was going to eat and I said yes and he said he enjoyed the food I made!!! Today was good because it’s often that my dad and I clash because we both have similar attitudes and today there was no arguing and I felt happy.

Also my back is killing me I’ve been slouching way too much but it’s my fault because I don’t sit up straight 😭 and also this art piece im doing is so ahh it looks so simple but the amount of times Ive deleted some parts because I didn’t like them but I’m almost finished!!

I’m also back to taking my sleeping meds again 😭 I was doing so good and then my mind is like yeah no we’re not letting you sleep

-🩶

HIIII ANGELLLL celebratory first response on here everybody cheered ‼️‼️

PLEASE I was always the worst at remembering to take my antidepressants… I remember they’d give me a set amount and then by the time it was time for me to get a refill, I’d still have like half my bottle left because I would practically take them every other day 😭 lmao

I’m glad you and your dad had a lovely breakfast together ahh that makes me so happy 🫶 my dad and I tend to clash too and we have the also have very similar personality types so I’m always really happy when we hang out and it doesn’t end in a fight 👼 that’s so sweet of you to cook him breakfast too !!

ALSO POSTURE…… please I have the exact same issue and I slouch so bad when I’m sitting at my desk !! Try to sit in a good chair at least especially while you’re drawing (so excited to see the finished piece djdkdjkdmdjd) bc I don’t want you getting long term health issues RAHHH

I’m so glad I’m not the only one having insane sleeping issues lately wtaf I’ve also been having nightmares every single night and waking up like every hour it’s so annoying 🤕

I love you my angel I hope you have the best week!!! Remember to eat and stay hydrated 💓💖💗💕🫶

[alphabetsoup-blogposts]

How much was attributable just to browsing history?

I don't know. Some things, I think, were not. Quoting my diary back to me was not...but that was later on.

You should know, however, that one thing I did in 2017 on the institutional wifi in my breaktime was a comprehensive search for a Hebrew tutor on behalf of a third party keen to learn Biblical Hebrew. In the end I could only source Modern Hebrew tutors and we went with that (and it was a great success, btw). It might explain quite a bit. I cannot be certain whether I was using the recreational wifi—possibly not. (I may have decided it was a de minimis, one off activity that no one could object to.) Of course, when I entered into correspondence with prospective tutors I would have done so via my personal email but the first contact is always made via the online platform, isn't it? Anyway, I always found there were not enough hours in the day and it was efficient to do some things over lunch rather than at home in the evening. (I might add, however, that this fact—the search for a tutor—was also a matter of common knowledge and passing reference in my particular little corner of the building—no internet tracking necessarily needed if there is gossip across silos.)

Later on, when I was spending time with my more news-related hobbies, I stuck rigorously to the recreational wifi and my own devices. I did look up ISIS satellites repeatedly, trying to distinguish between Dutch and US-Canadian initiatives.

This has been an unmitigated tragedy for me and mine but the idea that a lapsed Anglican single mother from Tunbridge Wells may have unwittingly entered into a world of codes and death threats by dint of the fact that a very young family member developed a overwhelming passion for the Aleph Bet song on YouTube (brings back memories to this day...) while she was simultaneously pursuing an interest in space technology has me smiling ruefully today. It's all very "Burn After Reading" isn't it?

But also WTAF???!!!!! was that particular institution doing with its recruitment and hiring policies...not to mention its surveillance practices?

What. The. Actual. Fuck?

PS. The aforementioned tutor mentioned Galgalatz radio and "Alexa, play Israeli Radio station Galgalatz" was a popular instruction in our house for years. Or, no, hang on, I may be projecting this onto our lovely tutor when really it was just coincidence. (Sorry, interpolation. I just assumed the most natural explanation without dwelling on a detail I didn't think would be important.) Actually, I think it was the only station we could make work via the Alexa app—that's it. We cycled through the few Israeli stations available trying to make an instruction work and found that it was much harder than cueing up French radio. We had to add extra words in to the instruction and got very frustrated. This was about 2017-2019 and the only station we could get to work even half-reliably was Galgalatz, so we stuck with that. Anyway, for sure, I literally only discovered that the station was affiliated with the IDF in or around 2021. I then initiated a switch to a different station but still feel very ambivalent about having done so because foreign language radio listening entirely dropped off as a result. The point really is that all this was just in the privacy of my own home. But, when the Ghouls went through a phase of asking what radio station I listened to—to which the consistent but baffled answer was "Magic Radio", because true—I retrospectively interpreted it as having something to do with Galgalatz. And, again, like how? But it was all of a piece with everything else, from dead birds, through the way the word Lebensraum tracked doggedly across my devices in flashing black and red, to a hot-tempered quiz about whether I would choose to restore the Pahlavi dynasty in Iran (eh?) and quite a bit more—a story I'll tell in whole one day.

PPS. If, by any chance, you are coming to this story for the first time—which I don't think you are--please bear in mind that, although Hebrew was the greatest overall success, I also supported basic or introductory tuition in a dozen or so other languages including Greek, Arabic (MSA and Egyptian), Russian and several others that I hesitate to mention for data privacy reasons.

[nystiaa]

Eurovision 2023 initial reactions

This is a list of my first reactions when watching the performances for this year (now bare in mind this was at 2am and took me an hour to go through almost all the countries (I did miss a few at the time) you can tell at what point I start getting tired)

Finland: what is he wearing??? HEDGE ARMS OMG HE IS MEME MATERIAL I LOVE IT

Georgia: pretty decent, I like the tune

Armenia: oh damn Armenia I was thinking meh but halfway through DAMN, did not expect, second half is better

Moldova: okay this is reminding me of Polish captain hook jesus from a couple years back, very good song!

Azerbaijan: going for 90s vibes cool, nothing special

Germany: why is he dressed like a spider??? I like it

Croatia: WTAF CROATIA?!?! IM SCARED I DONT LIKE IT, WHY IS HE SO CREEPY OMG, hedge arms ago tho I see a theme "f a s h i o n"

Greece: a sad boy singing in the rain, the judges might eat this up. HES 16?!?!

Portugal: Portugal always brings the vibe, you can rely on them. She got the swooshy skirt

Sweden: MY GIRL LOREEN!!! She fucking killed it, I wont be mad if she wins again

Cyprus: fucking catchy god damn, I can see myself having this on repeat

Iceland: I like it but I feel it wont reach the final

Latvia: Latvia be having an existential crisis, dude needs a hug. Omg I thought they were murdering him at the end of the video

Poland: not a fan of the song

Albania: bringing cultural influences into the song? I like. Raven lady going extra. Is she in a funeral home what is happening?? Is there a darker meaning behind this, did she murder her family. I think dramatic raven lady killed her family. Decent song

Belgium: another 90s song. Is he wearing 20 hats? Nope just a minecraft block shirt. Dude needs to up his polygon res, hes not loaded in. Must have a bad signal. Dont like the song

Spain: moaning women - no

Malta: FUCK YEA. I think this guy lived in my brain. Introvert being awkward at a party, sweaters, anxiety?? The dudes me. Dhakdhakdhsj fricken SAX MAN!! eh first half of the song was better. I want more lyrics about anxiety, I wanna relate, what is this

Estonia: nope

Ukraine: killing it again, doesnt beat their song from last year but it's good

UK: the UK with an actual Eurovision style song and performance??? Damn I'm impressed. Song is meh tho but the vibe, so much better

Israel: not a fan

Ireland: ireland are you okay?? I know we're technically still in a pandemic but you can take the face mask off. Decent, not the best

Austria: I like! They got the vibe, the weird, the song, YES, top 5

Denmark: another sad boi. Meh, nah

Switzerland: damn I like, definitely another song I'd have on repeat, and hot guy? Yes. Am a sucker for songs like this, deep, emotional, got a good beat

Serbia: ooooooo Serbia on druugggss

Italy: no

Netherlands: didn't like it at the start but the end is growing on me

San Marino: more like San Mari-NO XD

Australia: fun

Lithuania: no

France: ooooh yes, she dance, very french, it keeps getting better

[the-coconut-asado]

Our Golden Girl’s Kitchen

A couple of years back, my cousin Doro announced she was going to publish a book of our grandmother’s recipes. It set all the cousins off on an odyssey of frenzied WhatsApps swapping memories, and in my case a mad dash to storage to find yet another of mum’s old scrapbooks, stuffed with fragments of recipes typed up on that onion-skin paper of the Mad Men era. 

Slowly but surely, recipes surfaced for Granny’s steak and kidney pudding (to this day, the name of our family WhatsApp group), tallarines (fettuccine by any other name) and more cakes and tarts than a whole series of Masterchef pressure tests.  

But Doro’s job was made much easier by someone else who had kept Granny’s legacy alive all these years. The person who, while Granny was a distant memory for many of us, was the biggest influence on our lives. At the end of the book, Doro wrote a dedication to her: “ Auntie Joan, I remember you, sometime before Christmas, making us stir the plum pudding and saying “don’t forget to make a wish!”; the chicken pie or Irish stew with dumplings you prepared when I used to come for lunch after university classes; the plum ice cream you always had in your “ancient” fridge and the smell of scones and cake on our birthdays.’

Last week, Auntie Joan died. 99 years of love, wisdom and many a raised eyebrow at each of us at one time or another. She had a delicious smile that hinted at secrets she might share with you some day, and even up to her mid-nineties kept a ramrod straight back, figure to die for and effortless elegance that prompted a 28 year old male friend to comment at my wedding that she was the only 68 year old he had ever fancied.Cheeky, but at the same time, kudos. 

If I’ve made her sound  like a warm embrace of a woman, she was. She was also a ninja. For most of her working life, Auntie Joan  - Joan Nolan MBE -  was Vice Consul at the British Embassy in Rosario, and later in Buenos Aires. She started volunteering there during the war, and eventually they started to pay her (nice of them), then promote her. 

This had upsides - her influence to help others (a guiding principle of her life), the opportunity to travel, and the people she met. She once told me of an Embassy cocktail party on board a ship attended by Eva and Juan Peron. She had little time for Peron, but was a little flattered when having started to leave down the gangplank he  abruptly turned back, sought Auntie Joan out, kissed her hand and apologised profusely for not having said goodbye. Manners counted for a lot with her, so the apparently off-hand Eva was barely mentioned in despatches.  

Her job also had downsides: held at gunpoint more than once, and in the constant company of a bodyguard after her boss was kidnapped (the inspiration for Graham Greene’s novel The Honorary Consul). One day a masked gang raided the embassy, rounded up all the staff, tied them up and locked them in the bathroom. But the ringleader treated Joan with weird courtesy, politely requested she enter the bathroom but left her unbound. Joan said afterwards: “ I think that man knew me. And if I ever see those eyes again, I will know who he was.” She kept looking but never did, but she did show us the hail of bullet holes the gang had let off at the outer wall of the embassy before they left. 

30 years on, at 85, clearly feeling she had been down this road before, she wrestled an armed thief trying to steal her friend’s car. ‘ Dear, I knew the gun was a toy’, she said breezily when I had my WTAF! Moment on a phone call with her.

Though all this time she looked after my grandparents and my great aunt until their deaths - pretty thankless and back-breakingly hard as they all survived to their nineties and in my great aunt’s case to 101 - as well as her husband Stanley who died when she was still young. Yet she still made time to feed, nurture and look out for her nieces and nephews as they travelled through her flat en route to school, college and work - and then her grand nieces and nephews as they repeated the cycle. 

Living in London, I didn’t see as much of Joan as my cousins, but felt just as close to her thanks to her copious letters. And it was her trips to London I remember most. Wafting glamorously into Gatwick in her boucle red overcoat, nipping up to Newcastle for the day to have lunch with a friend (when Dad retold the story, he always added, untruthfully,  ‘And the friend wasn’t even at home!”), leaving a cloud of delicate rose scent in her wake, a perfume that always reminded me of her apartment in Rosario. A bit like Buenos Aires itself, Auntie Joan was an evocation of the best bits of 1930’s Europe. 

And despite eating like a mouse in her own home - spreading her morning toast with what looked and tasted like wallpaper paste but was actually zero cholesterol cream cheese - her kitchen with its pots and pans, scoured and gleaming  within an inch of their lives, was in a constant hiatus of puddings, pies and roasts for the family as well as that iconic plum pudding at Christmas. And when we took her out to eat the appetite she kept hidden at home came tumbling out. I once witnessed her demolish a whole sea bass, noodles and a quarter of a peking duck when we took her to a restaurant in Chinatown. Unlike the rest of my family, she was unafraid of spice and heat. 

Serene, always; sassy,  sometimes. After all, Joan’s favourite TV programme when she came to visit us in London was The Golden Girls. In a life where everyone depended on her, she was someone comfortable with not needing to depend on anyone else - until old age meant she had to. I used to smile to myself when, in later years, she would end all of her stories with ‘And they said, “Joan, you are the ONLY one who could have done/ solved/ sorted/ this’’. And yet, if we don’t tell the world how talented, determined and capable we are - who else is going to? #thiswomancould

So here are two dishes that we all eat thanks to Auntie Joan - her plum ice cream (with some added spice from cinnamon) and her Spanish Cake, a delicate and sweet treat that evokes  those high teas that are still a family tradition. And finally, a dish that evokes the memory of lemon chicken, the dish that she and my daughter Lara would love to make together. 

Hasta luego, nuestra querida tia. We were so lucky to have you as long as we did. 

Plum ice cream

I have never eaten plum ice cream other than at Auntie Joan’s house and I have no idea why it isn’t a popular flavour commercially. My version only tweaks her original recipe - two egg whites rather than one, a stick of cinnamon and the seeds of a vanilla pod added to the plums as they poach. The brilliant thing about this ice cream - aside from it’s taste of autumn, log fires and sticky crumble - is that you don’t need an ice cream maker.

Serves 4-6

Ingredients

300g red-skinned plums

175g caster sugar

¾ cup water

1 cinnamon stick

Seeds from one vanilla pod

Juice of half a lemon

300g double cream

2 egg whites

How to make

Seed and quarter the plums and pop into a pan with the sugar, cinnamon stick, vanilla seeds and water. Bring to a simmer, cover and continue to simmer on a low heat until the plums are soft and the liquid has become syrupy. Turn off the heat and leave for another 10 minutes - you really want the spices and the red skin of the plums to seep into the syrup. 

Turn the plums into a sieve and extract as much syrup and pulp as you can into a clean bowl, using the back of a spatula. Cover and chill for at least an hour. 

In two separate bowls, whisk the cream until it forms soft peaks (be careful not to overbeat or it will turn into butter) and the egg whites until they form firm peaks. 

Alternate folding the cream, then the egg whites, then cream, then egg whites into the plum pulp. 

Pour into a freezer container - or just use an oblong cake tin, cover and freeze overnight. Remember to take out of the fridge for 15 mins before serving. 

Spanish Cake

This is the perfect cake to eat with a cup of tea or coffee. Light and delicate from texture to flavour. Simple dust of icing sugar on the top and you are good to go. Auntie Joan’s original recipe as typed - which features in Doro’s book - is as spare with detail as one of Bake Off’s technical challenges. Fortunately I featured it in a column I wrote for Choice magazine a few years ago, so  have filled in the gaps. Makes 12-16 squares. 

Ingredients

125g melted unsalted butter

200g caster sugar

2 eggs, separated

125ml milk

600g plain flour

3 tsp baking powder

1 tsp ground cinnamon

¼ tsp mixed spice

Icing sugar to serve

How to Make

Heat the oven to 180C. Grease a 20cm square cake tin and line with baking parchment.

Whisk the sugar with the butter until thick and pale. Add the egg yolks and continue to beat for a couple of minutes. 

Add the milk and beat again. Finally, sift in the flour, baking powder and spices and mix gently until incorporated.

In a separate bowl, whisk the egg whites until stiff, then fold into the cake batter. 

Pour the batter into the cake tin and bake in the oven for 25-30 minutes. The cake is ready when the top is golden and a toothpick or sate stick inserted into the middle comes out clean. 

Cool in the cake tine for 5 minutes then turn out onto a wire rack to cool. When cool, dust the surface with icing sugar, cut into squares and serve. 

Quick Chicken with kale, haricots and caramelised lemon

Auntie Joan loved chicken, and when we visited Buenos Aires when my daughter Lara was little, she and Auntie Joan would love to make lemon chicken together. Am sure she would have loved this flavour-packed little number, courtesy of Alison Roman in the NY Times. 

Ingredients

1 lemon, thinly sliced, seeds removed

1 shallot, peeled and cut into 8

6-8 chicken thighs

1 400g can of haricot or cannellini beans

1 bunch kale, leaves only (discard ribs)

1tblspn sunflower oil

Salt and freshly ground black pepper

Olive oil for dressing

How to make

Toss the lemon slices and shallots in a small bowl and season. 

Heat a large frying pan or skillet, add the sunflower oil, then add the chicken, skin side down. Press the chicken down with a spatula to ensure the maximum surface gets nice and brown. Cook for 5-8 minutes, then cook on the other side for a further 8-10  minutes until cooked through and the chicken skin is nice and crispy. Transfer the chicken to a plate, leaving the fat in the pan. 

Add the lemon and shallot to the hot pan - stand pack as it will probably spit and sizzle. Cook, stirring gently, until the lemon has started to caramelise - about 3-5 minutes. 

Add the drained beans to the pan and season. Cook, stirring occasionally, until the beans soak up that caramelised chicken fat - about 4 mins. Working in batches, add kale and toss to wilt, seasoning again as you go. 

Return the chicken to the pan, along with the juices that have collected on the plate, and cook for a couple of minutes more. 

Serve, drizzled with a little olive oil, and accompany with some crusty bread. 

[belovedrival]

I’ve been awake off and on for a couple hours. Sleep is not happening at this point, so I’m better off getting up now.

DO NOT READ BEYOND THIS POINT IF YOU WANT TO BE POSITIVE TODAY - I started writing this around 5 am. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Too many thoughts, and most of them are negative. Our state’s shutdown is in effect until the end of April. Today is the 8th. I’ve been working from home since March 20th. What happens if the governor just keeps extending the shutdown? At this point I expect him to. Because the expected surge is *always* next week...or next month...or three months from now. Who the hell knows for certain.

This is what I felt a few weeks ago - when government officials start closing everything, and after getting a taste of really how much power they have (arresting a guy for paddling alone in the Pacific Ocean? WTAF? Is that not enough social distancing??), they are not going to give it up easily.

And what motivation do they have to open anything, even gradually? THEY’RE still getting paid. THEY don’t have to worry about laying off employees (my brother’s work has already had to do that). No, our betters, these experts who know everything (except, it seems, to properly prepare for a pandemic), THEY know best. So we just have to listen to them and question nothing, or we’re just greedy bastards who only love money and want to kill people. 🙄🤬

My church has been shut down for weeks. It is the most sacred time for Christianity, and we are literally not going to be able to celebrate Easter in our own places of worship, at least in this and other states. The dispensaries are still open here. So you can go get weed if you want, but you can’t go to church. I’m sorry, but if you think this country is on the brink of the Handmaid’s Tale, you are crazy. Learn to separate fact from fiction.

My parents live an hour and a half away, and we can’t visit them, nor they visit us, because that travel is not “essential”. I desperately wanted a hug from my mom yesterday. Once, a couple years ago, I drove to their house just to surprise her. I can’t do that now.

If I want to go into the office (I might have to, to get a couple things done), I’ll need a letter from my work, in case I get pulled over by a cop. My dad works at an electrical cooperative, and he has similar papers. Papers. That sounds familiar to anyone who knows history.

“Seine Papieren, Juden!” In the Soviet Union, people used to have to have papers to travel.

A party was busted up by cops in a local town in our county. It made national news because one of the people at the party was the town’s mayor’s wife. Typical - one rule for politicians, another for us. While the rest of us are stuck at home, worried to go to the grocery store, they and theirs flout the rules.

As of today, there is one documented death of Coronavirus in our county. An 86 year old woman. I am sorry for her family - especially since funerals are severely restricted - but again, this state has been shut down for close to three weeks already. What if ten people die next week? I guess we’ll be closed indefinitely in that case.

At this point I would not be totally surprised if my family had to cancel our vacation in July- one that’s been well over a year in the planning, and one that we haven’t taken together in NINE years. If that is the case...the very thought takes me to a dark place.

There are people who have already committed suicide because of lockdowns and social distancing. In times of economic depression, suicides and cancer rates go up. But those statistics don’t matter, apparently. Those people don’t count.

My 89 year old grandfather was taken to the ER last week. Dehydration. He’s okay for now, but really, his cardiologist said a while ago that he could go any time. He has Alzheimer’s, too. He doesn’t understand why my dad and his siblings can’t visit him. If he died, and he tested positive for the virus, Coronavirus would be the official cause of death. Not his worn out pacemaker, or high blood pressure, or Alzheimer’s. Or even that he’s almost ninety. Nope.

“Another death?” “Yes. Six more months of shelter in place. We must flatten the curve!” 😑

Look, one of my cousins has this right now. Another cousin is a nurse at a major hospital. I’m worried about them. I worry about my dad. Just...is it really necessary to shut down the entire fucking state of Wyoming over this? Have you BEEN to Wyoming? Or rural counties in Oklahoma? I know there’s the projection of this thing exploding but that’s all it is right now in many cases - projection. The initial graph that scared the shit out of everyone a month ago has been drastically scaled down. Again, are we supposed to just “stay at home” until a vaccine is produced? Polio ravaged communities for years and society wasn’t shut down over it. San Francisco wasn’t shut down during the AIDS outbreak. And for way too long that diagnosis had a 100% death rate. 100%. Coronavirus isn’t even close to that.

But sure, this is all crazy talk, right? It’s just because I had insomnia. It’s because I’m just a rube living in flyover country who doesn’t know shit. I’m just saying this because I don’t trust people obviously smarter than me, like the NYC mayor who told people to attend celebrations for Lunar New Year, or virtually all the media back in January (look it up) who said it was like the flu or less, and who weren’t reporting on anything except impeachment. And when they did talk about the virus, they called it something else...but if anyone calls it that name now, they’re a raging racist who needs to shut up. 🤔🤨 But sure, I’M the stupid, greedy imbecile who just needs to be a good girl and listen to my state and federal officials. Because they know best.

(The entire paragraph above is wholly sarcastic, in case you didn’t catch my tone. Also, there is a video montage of a variety of media people back in January calling the virus the Chinese virus, or Wuhan virus. Six weeks later, anyone who called it that was screamed at as a racist. This is why I can’t take a vast majority of American media seriously.)

Mister’s school will probably close because of the virus. Because they were already on the brink. Add a state-mandated shutdown of schools starting in mid-March (around the time when they would be looking to enroll next school year, no spring open houses to bring in more students), and it’s pretty much done for. So he’s looking at July as the last month he’ll be paid. If they have the funds to pay staff they promised them, that is. That’s not guaranteed. This isn’t a public school.

So yeah, this is what was keeping me awake. There’s your way too early Wednesday morning rant.

[itshornokplease]

GoT 8x5 SPOILERS

Spoilers below. I’m live posting as I watch.

Only 40 minutes in and I don’t care what they’ve done to Daenerys because this whole scene is so badass and thank goodness she torched Euron’s fleet. Wasn’t so hard, was it Daenerys?

Ahaha hahaha ahahahahahahaaaaaaa. Get it Dany. All the scorpions, GONE. All the iron fleet, GONE. All the soldiers, SURRENDERED. Ugh please let Cersei be GONE already.

It’s great because there’s someone as insane as Cersei. It’s sad because Daenerys is as insane as Cersei.

Jon and Tyrion will team up to kill Daenerys, obviously. Such. Total. Effing. B. S.

Oh FOR FUCK’S SAKE. Why is EURON STILL ALIVE??? Sword him Jamie. Ughhhh.

Useless fucking Jamie.

Maybe Arya will see his dead body and take his face and then kill Cersei? Positive thoughts.

Thank goodness Euron’s dead.

Hehe. Qyburn too.

Ooh maybe Arya will kill Cersei. And can this Cleganebowl thing be over already? I just don’t care.

Ugh even though I hate Cersei, I can’t help but completely get emotional when she does seeing Jamie.

He’s a zombie, Sandor. He’s not going to die unless you take off his head. All for nothing.

Omg is Arya going to be stampeded out??? WTAF.

I’m so glad this show is done next weekend. I should’ve stopped watching after Unbent, Unbowed, Unbroken.

No winners in this dumb Cleganebowl. Sandor should have won. What? I’ve liked the Hound since the beginning and from the books.

I want to go back to The Long Night, which was so much more tense and actually a time I cared about the good guys winning. Who the fuck are the good guys now? I don’t care about any of them.

Hey it’s the ending to Rogue One!

You know what, I don’t care. Let Daenerys be queen and rebuild King’s Landing and start anew, even if she just torched the whole place. She can bring people from Essos and get it all made new and rule a new era. Who gives a shit about anything anymore.

What even is this unnecessary arc for Arya? Maybe she’s realizing the Night King wasn’t the big bad everyone thought he was because human beings suck.

All of this was a pile of shit lit on fire. Thank you GoT for completely ruining any and all character development from the last seven seasons because you don’t know how to write a close to a show. You ran out of source material but you’re not stupid. All the annoying fan service BS you did in the last few episodes? No one gives a crap.

UGH. Unnecessary hour and a half of rampage and violence that totally undid everything Daenerys has been built up for because why not?

Maybe I’ve got wool over my eyes but yeah, while Daenerys burned her enemies and did horrible things to people who didn’t “bend the knee” (in the show), she’s out to get her birthright back. And in the books, she’s shown to be fair if out of her depth, especially in The Winds of Winter. So all the people going “oh cmon now, they’ve been foreshadowing the Mad Queen the WHOLE TIME, stop whining” can just go away please. Agree to disagree.

[adotblog]

Brave Part 17

Part 17? WTAF.

Pairing: LMM x Reader

Warnings: Smutty smut smut. 18+, wrap before you tap dudes. Swearing.

Words: 1600ish

Notes: this is the penultimate Brave, I think. I will release the Christmas chapter before Xmas eve. If I can’t wrangle all the plot into one chapter, I’ll do an extra for new year.

“Friendsmas is on for the 22nd.”, you announce as you enter the bedroom. Lin is reading in bed, wearing an old Heights tshirt. He puts his book on his bedside table as he asks “Who’s in?”. You start undressing as you tell him “Jas and Anthony, Jon for certain; maybes from Chris and Diggs”. “Cool, so what do you have planned?”, he asks as he motions for a cuddle. You snuggle in close as you outline menus, movies and secret Santa. He smiles throughout, occasionally kissing the top of your head.

“Did I mention that I love Christmas?”, you joke. Lin chuckles and reaches to turn out the light.

—————————————————

Jas has scored a booth and ordered you a Diet Coke by the time you get to your usual place. She greets you with a warm hug even though she only saw you yesterday at work. Burgers ordered, the chatter turns to Christmas. “Jas what are you buying Anthony? I am SO stuck with what to buy Lin!”, you whine. “We’re kinda just buying stuff together for the both of us-new couch, this awesome record player”, she replies. “That’s no help is it?”, she laughs. “NOPE”, you say jokingly. “What do you buy the dude who can buy anything he wants, and doesn’t want an awful lot?”, you groan and lay your head on the table. “Y/N don’t be so dramatic, you’ll think of something.”, she says.

“So I take it things are still good with Lin then?”, she says cautiously. “Jazzy, yes.”, you say, half-scolding. She hasn’t forgotten about that kiss and gave Lin the “Hurt my friend and I’ll kill you” speech the day after the now-infamous WhatsApp incident. “Just checking”, she says and then smiles. “You’re happy, I’m happy”. You give her a playful poke. “I’m happy. Practically ecstatic. Now stop.”.

——————————————————

So far you’ve interrogated Lin’s mother, sister, Chris and Jon about what to get Lin for Christmas. They’ve come up with nothing. Nothing. It’s a week until you exchange gifts. Panic Mode enabled.

There’s so much going on that when Lin is away for 3 nights on Secret Disney Business, you barely notice. You’ve hardly seen one another outside of work, days off taken up with Christmas preparations and seeing folk before they take off for the holidays.

He gets back at 1am on the 20th. You have had to stay late at work and text him to say you’ll stay at his place rather than trek the subway back at this hour. You’d only been back long enough to sink one cup of tea before he was home.

He was dishevelled. Hair messy in its bun, clothes rumpled, eye bags bigger than his luggage. He still grins at the sight of you crossing the room, though. “Mi cariña.”, he says, voice tainted by exhaustion. You kiss him like he’s been gone a month. He sinks into your arms. “I missed you”, he mumbles into your neck. “I missed you too, welcome home”, you answer. He murmurs with contentment. He pulls back and kisses your forehead. “I’d love nothing more than to take you to bed for a couple of hours but I’m afraid I’m practically asleep right now”, he says apologetically.

You reach behind him and lock the door, then take his hand and lead him to the bedroom. “Suitcase can wait til the morning.”, you tell him “and so can I”. He gives a tiny, sweet laugh at that and plonks down on the side of the bed.

You pull off his shoes and then pull him to his feet so he can take off his jeans. You leave him removing his hoodie and going to clean his teeth as you fetch him a glass of water. You change into pyjamas as he takes a drink, then slip under the covers and gather him to your chest. You stroke his hair and murmur that you love him. Within minutes he is fast asleep. As you bask in the feeling of having him back in your arms, you smile and relax into the mattress, soon following him into slumber.

——————————————————

It’s after 11 when he pokes his head around the living room door to find you. You’re in your PJs still, watching Scrooged for the millionth time. “Good morning”, he croaks with the most charming of smiles. You smile back, taking in his ridiculous bed hair. “Good morning! Coffee is fresh”, you point to the counter.

He plods over to get a mug and when he comes back to you he perches next to you on the couch to sip his drink. You turn to him and say “Merry Fake Christmas Eve!”, with a laugh at the end. “Oh yeah!”, he chuckles. “What do you want to do this chilly Christmas Eve?” He asks. “You?”, you say cheekily.

Lin nearly spits his coffee, and sets it down to laugh. “You’re officially the cheesiest.”, he mocks. You shrug with a grin “You asked what I wanted, I answered!”, you reply. “Young lady, I am gonna wipe that grin off your face…”, he threatens. “That’s fighting talk, Miranda…”, you turn to face him, holding up your fists in a fight stance. Lin raises his eyebrows at you sceptically. “Yeah alright, as if I’m gonna even consider resisting you”, you admit, dropping your arms. Lin’s posture becomes cocky. “As if you could!”, he says, grin on his face this time. “Honey..”, you warn.

He’s over you in a second, your back flat against the couch cushions and you squealing as he pins your arms over your head. “Dare you to try and resist me.”, he says, an amused smile on his face. “Challenge accepted!”, you say-though despite your extreme stubborn streak, you doubt you’ll last a minute. He pulls off your pyjamas and looks down on your naked form.

Lin starts with a flutter-light kiss to your lips, then your cheekbone, your neck. He stops at your neck, a trail of kisses laid at your collarbone. Then he runs his tongue from there, right up to your earlobe, light enough to leave a shiver. He smirks as he sees the goosebumps on your arms, then trails his thumb too lightly over your nipple. He groans a little as he feels it’s hard, and because he hears your breath hitch at his touch. He moves to look you in the eye as he challenges “I bet you can’t stay quiet, and keep your hands off me for the next two minutes”. You seriously doubt that yourself but you steady your voice to say “Try me.”. “Oh, I will”, he teases.

And so (though no one is actually watching the clock) he proceeds to tease you over and over, willing you to break. He rakes a finger down your side, because he knows so well where to touch you so that it’s halfway to ecstasy, halfway to ticklish. When he gently palms your breast, when he rounds his hand to cup its swell, when he flicks his thumb over your nipple…you bite your lip, eyes squeezed shut. You can’t help but arch your back when his lips meet your sternum and then his mouth is on your breast and it takes all you have not to breathe out his name.

Suddenly he’s gone, cool air against your skin instead. You open your eyes in shock and find him standing, hand reached out to you. “Time’s up.”, he says seriously. “No more games.”. You take his hand and he yanks you to standing. He immediately has you pressed up against him, one hand splayed across your shoulder blades, one on your ass, pinning your groin to his, where you feel his arousal.

He kisses you, and you open your mouth for his tongue, pretty desperate for him by this point. Breathless, he stops and says “Who the fuck did I think I was kidding? Bedroom. Now.”. You only make it to the hallway before he is pushing you up against the wall and you’re sighing into his mouth. His hands at your waist try to lift you slightly and your giggle breaks the kiss. “Lin, just…the bed!”, you laugh. He groans in frustration as you lead him away.

You pull him through the doorway so that his body smashes into yours and you immediately reach for the hem of his shirt. Your fingers play against the smooth skin underneath, teasing him as he had teased you. You reach up to kiss him but gently bite his bottom lip instead. You pull back to lift his shirt over his head and toss it to the side of the room. He dips his head to kiss you again as you run your fingertips up and down his back. You hear a little moan as you stroke your hands all across his chest and slowly, too slowly down towards the waistband of his pyjama pants. You flatten your palm and slide it down the front, smiling against Lin’s lips as you feel that he has no underwear on.

Lin pushes his hips up to meet your hand but you cruelly withdraw it and he practically growls in frustration. “Shhhh” you say as you pull his pants down. “Patience, baby…”, you whisper as you sink to your knees. He steps out of the pants and you discard those too. He’s looking down at you, dark eyes practically begging you to touch him. Never breaking eye contact, you take his hard length in your hand and very gently stroke him up and down a couple of times.

Lin bites his lip hard, “Mmph” just escaping his mouth. You raise up on your knees to just the right height and slowly run your tongue from the bottom of his shaft to to the head, ending with a swirl of your tongue that makes him gasp. He throws his head back as you take him in your mouth and when you flatten your tongue against him he instinctively grabs the back of your head, fingers entwining in your hair as you begin to bob back and forth. Your hand pumps in time with your head movements and in a couple of minutes he’s a moaning mess before you. “Y/N…” he says tensely, cupping your face and urging you to stop.

He kneels too, mouth on yours again, kisses fervent and hard. He pulls you towards him, to straddle his lap, lips never leaving yours. With a quick adjustment and a lift of your leg, he is inside you. Lin groans as your bodies meet and he begins to slowly rock up into you. You meet his thrust, both of you experimenting until you find a rhythm. It’s a rhythm that is brushing just the right place inside of you, leaving you gasping, and you have to wrap your arms around his shoulders to steady yourself. Still, the little bursts of pleasure created by each thrust weaken you enough that you falter.

Lin responds by holding you closer, one arm supporting your back, hand against the back of your head. The other is firmly on your ass, guiding you to grind against him. Fire starts to burn in your belly and you cry out as the initial stirrings of an orgasm appear. Lin’s lips are against your ear and he coaxes you “Come on, love”, and whispers kisses against your skin. The hand on your ass squeezes, almost too hard, as he slams home the last few thrusts that he knows will have you seeing stars.

When it hits you are squealing, shuddering, quaking against him. At the last of it, your back is arched so far that your chest rises to his face and his lips find a new home at your breast while you wail. It’s almost, just almost, too much and when the last wave ends you collapse against his shoulder, breathless and jerking. He murmurs in your ear as you try to pull yourself together. You straighten a little, manoeuvring to kiss him.

Lin stills both your bodies, he cradles the back of your head as he dips you backwards, laying you down on the soft wool of the rug. He’s still inside you since all he had to do was lean forward, and now he places his hands either side of your arms to support his weight. You’re barely composed as it is and when his thrusting becomes pounding you can practically feel yourself unraveling.

He is moaning into your neck, one hand covering your breast. You cry out his name because you feel yourself tightening again, feel that tingle. He kisses you before he lays his forehead against yours as you both curse at the same time. You push your hips into his as hard as you can, so close now. He whimpers your name as he starts to lose control and his movements become frantic, wild. You fist his hair as another climax takes you and you feel him twitch inside you even as you clench around him.

Lin falls on top of you, panting, shaking a little. Panting too, you stroke his hair and try to breathe normally. After a minute he raises up a little to withdraw and then lays beside you, pulling you in for a kiss. “Lin”, you breathe “That was…I don’t even know. God, I can’t…”. Lin grins at you “Uh huh”, he agrees as he softly shakes his head. “Damn.”.

——————————————————

[drunklander]

Drunj!Der Yells About Outlander

Thoughts on Ep. 313

Ermagherd guys, Droughtlander. It’s here. But it’s here with Hamilton stuck in our heads, cheesetastic secksi times and the knowledge that the beginning of next season is probs the most like the oh-so-high-up-on-that-pedestal-S1A than anything else in the series. (In a strange new place! Trying to build a home! Except this time they’re doing it together! With the kiddos! Plus a doggo! *grabby hands*)

I know I’ve been on the *cough* less than positive *cough* side of things a lot this season. And last season, if we’re being honest. And I was going to apologize for that, but honestly, I’m not sorry. That’s just how I fan. I flail about what I love, I rant about what I don’t. I’m *very* aware that’s not everyone’s cup of tea and that I’m the sort of fan the cast and crew shit on in interviews and on twitter. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

But I enjoyed the finale for what it was. I squee’ed! I yelled things at the teevee! I side-eyed like whoa! So basically the same-ish reaction I’ve had to most of the episodes.

(I never bothered doing a full S2 rewatch, but I might do one for S3 just to see if it flows any better when watched all in one go, but I have a feeling it’ll still feel more like individual units than a cohesive whole.)

Anywho, beer-fueled nonsense that offers nothing of substance under the cut.

Finding more and more that I miss the old-style title cards.

Hard pass on doing this VO twice, tbh. Like we know obvi she’s not going to die. Just have it be where it plays out in the story.

Ok but all I can think about when the carriage stops and the crowd of people walk by is the part in The Mummy when they’re all like zombified and chanting Im-Ho-Tep.

I was just about to snark on Claire apparently having a change of clothes in the damn carriage but alas, we didn’t have to headcanon that she went and changed somewhere. No snarking for me.

Although for fucking serious? She changed back into the same damn outfit?! Ffs. Let the damn woman wear a different dress.

Aw, Fergus lets his wife come with him and doesn’t leave her behind in the woods with Willie. (I heart Marsali.)

“I’ll gut you” is apparently Young Ian’s go-to threat. It’s cute he already has a signature murder-style. Now you just need a rad serial killer name, dude. Take the hiatus to think about it.

This whole thing with Claire and Geillis is like ♬ I know, you know that I’m not telling the truth. ♬

I love that the Army/Navy rivalry spans both time and country.

But for real. Lord John in this scene is my goddamn everything. Sorry, Captain Babyface. I like you, but I need my dude out of those handcuffs and LJG is fucking *bringing it* right now. Can Jamie keep the handcuffs though? They might come in handy once he’s back on the Artemis... ;)

Ok but the final lingering shot of the pining face. Why. It was such a great scene. Lord John helping his buddy. Jamie being like yep, I still get in trouble, thanks for the assist. A nice goodbye. And it could have just ended there and been perfect, but nah, gotta smack everyone over the head with 1000% commitment to my least favorite trope.

#GetJohnABoyfriend2k18

Ah a “why are you here” callback to ep. 111.

For real though, Geillis is fucking nuts. Claire knows Geillis is fucking nuts. Claire knows Geillis has Young Ian. WHY ARE YOU LIKE HAVING CASUAL STORY TIME WITH HER, CLAIRE! DON’T TELL HER THINGS!

CLAIRE WHY ARE YOU TELLING GEILLIS ABOUT GOING BACK TO THE FUTURE! WHY ARE YOU TELLING HER ABOUT BREE! THIS IS A TERRIBLE IDEA! STOP SHARING THINGS WITH PSYCHOPATHS!

Also, we’re just casually talking about time travel in front of Hercules? I mean, I guess since he’s enslaved, no one gives a shit what he hears because it’s not like he can do anything?

“He was one of my favorites.” She’s fucking nuts but I still do love Geillis.

*zones out through discussions about the mechanics of time travel*

Did you really think you *weren’t* going to get locked in, Claire? YOU KNOW WHAT GEILLIS HAS DONE, YOU WERE CLEARLY GOING TO BE LOCKED IN. BREAK THE FUCKING WINDOW OR SOMETHING IF YOU WANT TO GET OUT.

I get that this is a parallel to the pilot when Claire’s watching the dancers at Craigh na Dun with Frank from the grass, but part of me is still wicked uncomfortable that they’re again using Black people as basically set dressing. I know it’s in the book, I wasn’t a fan of it there either.

How I think of Margaret during her Visions R Us office hours, basically.

Man, they really committed to this damn rabbit and bird thing. Maybe it’s some folks’ jam, but it never really struck a chord for me and the more they kept bringing it up, the more it makes me roll my eyes. Maybe because birds and rabbits were never a thing with Jamie and Claire? So it just seemed wicked random and kind of forced? Whatevs.

Hated Margaret channeling Bree in the book, hate it here.

This whole thing is so much weirder in the book, but just because they made it less weird for the show doesn’t make it good.

Like if we’re getting an exposition dump from Archibald about the prophecy, we really don’t need the weird Bree thing about someone coming to get her.

Yi Tien Cho channeling Inigo Montoya is kind of my everything. “I’m Yi Tien Cho. You are not worthy of this woman. Prepare to die.”

Petition for Rihanna’s “We Found Love” to be Yi Tien Cho and Margaret’s wedding song.

Omg so much explaining what we’ve already all figured out. We need to headcanon like 75% of Jamie and Claire’s reconciliation, but let’s spell out 2378235 different ways what Geillis’ plan is. (Maybe it wasn’t that many ways. But we’re doing a fuckton of exposition dumping in this episode.)

Ok seriously. The guy with the alligator head drinking chicken blood. Ugh. We got white savior stuff last week, but at least Temeraire had a part in the plot and got some agency at the end? Still problematic, but (maybe?) as minimally problematic as it could be if it was going to be included? This is literally just a backdrop for a conversation with Margaret. Blergh...

And then they have them carry off Archibald Campbell as Yi Tien Cho and Margaret look on in horror and omfg this is not good.

(ETA -- In which Roxane Gay says it better than I could: “It’s all very colonial fever dream, not so vaguely racist, and I honestly forced myself to let it go so I could continue with the episode.”)

“We lost Faith. We will not lose Brianna.” This line sure would have hit home a little harder had we actually seen Jamie give a crap about Bree at any point during the season. In the moment it works, but looking over the whole season *weakly gestures, tired of wishing things had been done differently*.

The goodbye kiss just in case though hits me in the feels. 

Well isn’t Geillis telling Claire “a life for a life” a nice perversion of Claire telling Jamie that he owed her a life in season two.

And then Jamie grabs her hand all gently and I have feelings about the two of them at the stones/pool, guys.

Why does dead!Geillis look super fake? I have questions.

Slash Young Ian is gathering up jewels or something, right? Before he runs out of the cave? He’s like picking shit up off the ground...

Still could have done without the bones in Joe’s office bit, tbh. But whatever.

I know she’s like a bit traumatized, but Claire holding a bloody machete is my aesthetic.

Awwww, lookit that lil family. *heart eyes*

Omg but the stuff on the ship is the eye of the storm. Like the episode is the storm. And the sex is the eye. Because in the eye of the hurricane, there is quiet. For just a moment. GET IT?! GET IT GUYS?! OK FINE I’LL JUST KEEP SINGING HAMILTON OVER HERE BY MYSELF.

I’m way too proud of myself for this tweet though:

“Surprised I dinna have a full head of white hair, after all I’ve suffered these past few months.” ONE LAST WTF, JAMIE *SIDE-EYE* FOR THE ROAD! (I know Jamie has been through some shit. But literally ever since Claire showed back up, he’s managed to make almost everything about him so even though it’s a little joke, this line is just icing on the omfg, you’re killing me Smalls cake.)

#TeamClairesVeryFineSkin

I for real thought this wasn’t going to make it into the show. I didn’t think the quickie in ep. 309 was going to make it either. Glad they both did.

Claire being like yep, I can remedy the I’m still wearing clothes situation, stat, is my everything.

It’s so cheesy, guys. I love cheese.

Jamie’s bangs though, guys. Can we get the man a new wig haircut before next season?

Omg, that ass grab. That ass grab is my everything. Idk why. But omg. RIP me.

They def have made the sex a little less explicit this year. Except for the rape that they decided to shoot like a softcore porn, wtaf. But like, that doesn’t matter? It’s never been about the amount of skin showing? It’s about showing the two characters being wicked into each other, because if they weren’t then going through all the shit they go through wouldn’t be worth it? I’m *rull* glad that the show has finally realized that that’s an important thing to actually have on screen instead of condescendingly telling us that it doesn’t matter or we should headcanon it like they did all last year.

Ok, here for Claire going full mama bear at Young Ian, but girl. How much doctoring do you really thing you’re going to be able to do in this exact moment if you go up on deck.

Slash, what was she waiting for the whole time everyone else, including the two people she was with, was clearing the deck? I know, I need to just go with it, but this is silly.

Ok this is the only time we needed to see this/hear this VO. Beautifully shot. The Faith music is gorgeous, but like I’m not reading anything into it like she’s watching over them or anything. More just like Claire’s in a liminal state between alive and dead like she was when Faith died.

Dude, kiss your wife when you’re both on the surface and it’s been established she’s alive. (I mean, it’s super sweet, but SWIM, JAMMF, SWIM!)

All snark aside, there’s something a little beautiful about Claire spending half the season basically drowning, unable to really save herself and no one else around who cares enough to save her. And now here she is again, literally drowning and unable to save herself, but this time there’s a handy ginger around to lend a hand. Because she’s not alone anymore. And I have feelings. So many feelings. All the feelings. Feelings.

As they’re floating on their scrap of wood, let me take the obligatory detour into the 20 year old grumble that there was definitely enough room on the door for Jack too. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, ROSE.

The thought of crawling around in the sand in wet clothes gives me hives.

“I told you I’d never leave you again.” ilu, claire bear.

Ok but they’re both so sad that the ship went down and everyone’s dead and stuff and it’s moving and yay for hugs, but like. You know nothing about where you are? Why jump to the worst case scenario? The beach is literally littered with stuff from the ship? You made it so other people might have too? Also, clearly all of the important people lived because otherwise this whole half of the season was pointless?

That being said, these two are really good at making their faces show feelings.

It’s really not a strange question to ask where you are, Jamie. You were in a shipwreck. GPS isn’t a thing. I’d say it’s a pretty normal question to have, bro.

OK BUT LOOK AT CLAIRE’S FACE WHEN SHE SAYS AMERICA HERE COMPARED TO HOW SHE WAS FEELING THE LAST TIME SHE ARRIVED THERE. EVERYTHING IS OK NOW, CLAIRE! I HAVE FEELINGS ABOUT THE FRASERS GETTING TO FINALLY START A LIFE TOGETHER, GUYS.

Literaloling over the rando family just walking away like yeah, uh, you guys do you.

fin.

[astronomistic-blog]

I Fucked Up

I fucked up. I started talking to this guy and after about a week of us talking his best friend started to message me as well. I talked to them separately pretty much all day everyday. I went away to see my brother graduate and the best friend asked me out, now just so you know I never get much attention from guys so obviously I would say yes because he was the better looking one, anyway after i came home we met up for the first fucking time and things were going smooth. We were going out for about half a month and I went to his house. My parents found out we were dating because some bitch at my school seen the two of us walking around together at school before we started dating and spread rumors. Still hate that ass crack. So i met his parents and whatnot and we stayed in his room with the door open and were kissing as normal couples do while watching Family Guy on Netflix. So he started making out and then things got fucking weird. He started trying to put his hands down my pants and up my shirt, I told him no and that I wasn’t ready for any of this stuff because I was only 13. He said he understood but the next few times I went to his house the same stuff happened except he started getting mad at me because I ‘wouldn't let him do anything’. This really upset me so I got my mom to pick me up early, I never told her why I wanted to come home I just said that his parents were leaving soon. Our 1 month anniversary hit and he gave me a Charmed Aroma candle that had a ring inside. I spent all day melting the wax and eventually got the ring out and it was SO pretty. i loved it so much and it was the perfect fit. So that’s what I wore for a while. Nothing that interesting happened in the next week so I’ll just skip over it. My brother had moved to Manitoba and I have a really close relationship with him and just writing this section makes me cry because I miss him so much. We now live 3000km apart and I only get to see him once or twice a year now. So i went to go visit him in late July and was staying for 11 days. I told my boyfriend this and he said it doesn't matter to him as long as he got to see me before I left, and I told him it wasn't a problem because I didn't think it was at the time being. But I mentioned it to my mother and father and they said I wouldn't have time and that it would fuck everything up because my brothers girlfriend wanted to got to bed early so she could have enough sleep for the flight in the morning. So I told my boyfriend the news and he flipped the fuck out at me because id be gone for 11 days and I wouldn't get to see him (I had seen him 3 days before I left). This really set me off so I just didn't message him so he and my best friend had a nice chat with him while I called my boyfriends best friend and talked to him because he wanted to make sure I was okay. So he ended up getting pretty upset at my boyfriend because there was no need of him getting on the way he did. So I didn't end up going to his house and he starting crawling up my ass apologizing to me. Once I got to Manitoba and we stared messaging again and he’d ALWAYS bring sex into it. So I video chatted my best friend and she told me that I should talk to him and let him know how I felt. I didn't want to do it over text because that’s just not right but I’m also too awkward in person, and besides, if that’s what he wants and nothing will change that and I really hate changing people to fit them to my needs. I decided not to talk to him and let things play through for a bit and see how they went.. but then something else came up and my brother wanted me to stay for another while. I had gone up on the 27th of June and was supposed to leave on the 6th of September but i stayed until the 19th instead. My boyfriend said he was okay with it and if its what i want to do its fine. i obviously didn’t believe him so i asked if he was sure and he said “of course not” then we got into a big ass fight and at that point I was done with him. I understand that he’d miss me and that it’d be almost a month but still, there”s no need of him getting on like that at me when I didn’t no anything wrong. I video called my friend and i wanted a straight answer of what I should do. She told me that it’d be best if I broke up with him so that we’d both be happier and less stressed out. So I started messaging him and was saying that I had some thoughts over the past few days and he knew immediately what I was talking about. He went off saying shit like “please baby no I didn’t know” “please don’t do this” “why are you doing this” “I don’t understand”. Then I told him that I didn't want to but I had to because it’d be best for both of us. He didn’t understand how because he’s a thick skulled son of a bitch and only wanted me for skin. But that’s besides the point. We talked for a while, he sent me videos of him crying, i mean yes I did feel bad but it was the best decision because it was not a healthy relationship. So I finally got it through his head that we were over. He wanted to call me so he could say what he always does after someone breaks up with him “I might be the one hanging up, but you’re the one walking away’ a) he got that from a movie and b) that is the cringiest shit I've heard. After I broke up with him he decided to tell me that the ring that came in the candle was actually a fucking promise ring... I’M 13 FUCKING YEARS OLD WTAF?! But his friend would always message me and make sure I was okay, and I was perfectly fine because i was over the relationship before it even ended. That tells you how done I was with him. Anyways, his friend is the best guy I know, he’s sweet, caring, very funny, and overall just a great guy that actually treats people with respect. I had feelings for this guy after we were talking for a little while, and I've never lost those feelings, I just didn’t admit to them. Just a few days ago I told him that I had a dream that me and the guy I liked were dating and I told this guy that. He begged me and begged me to tell him who I liked. He eventually told me something that he said was irrelevant, but he said that he used to like me back when we first started talking. This killed me inside because I still liked him but only told him that I used to like him as well. When i got home from shopping he wanted me to give him hints so I said that he knew everything about this guy (seeing how it was him) and that he was otg with someone. He had no idea who tf I was talking about. Then he clued in and guessed himself so i confirmed it while bawling because we’re really close friends and I didn’t want to fuck anything up. He said he would have liked to know a few months earlier because things would have worked out, but he said that he thought it was cute as well. This also killed me inside. He was sick so he wouldn’t be in school the next day so it kinda worked out for me because I would not have been mentally stable enough to face him after telling him that, at least not the day after. I stressed myself out so much that when I walked through he doors of my school huge wave of anxiety and stress just hit me and I started overthinking and made myself so stomach sick and queasy that I had to go home. I talked to him about how I was feeling afterwards and he blamed it on himself but it definitely was not his fault. I made that clear to him. We started talking as we normally did like nothing had happened but he’d ask me if I was okay and stuff every now and then. We both went to school the next day and I felt so anxious because I was still scared to see him thinking it would be awkward asf. I was anxious at least 3-5 times every hour. It was hell. I went outside with him at recess along with my best friend and it was like it always was, as if we were best friends. It was great and i shouldn't have been worrying about it. The point of this whole story is that I shouldn't have went with the guy i did and I regret it. My life would have been so much better and happier, and not to mention that I’m in love with him and got him with the chick he’s otg with. Rest in peace me :D

[grantplant]

Vacation Mode

What were we thinking? Even for two fairly healthy, well-rested, childless humans, it was an ambitious itinerary:

Zurich, Switzerland to Chicago, Illinois by plane

Chicago to Des Moines, Iowa by car

Des Moines to Chicago by car

Chicago to Atlanta, Georgia by plane

Atlanta to Rosemary Beach, Florida by car

Rosemary Beach to Atlanta by car

At this point, Pat and I parted ways.

Pat’s itinerary went from Atlanta to San Francisco, California, and a week later, San Francisco to Zurich via London.

Mira and I traveled from Atlanta to Zurich via Frankfurt.

So you can see that attempting this three-week adventure abroad with a 10 month-old might be considered madness, but only if you didn’t know this ten-month old. She more than earned her Baby Traveler badge. And, for her troubles, she met countless family and friends on both Pat’s and my side of the family, went to a wedding, touched the ocean, met sand for the first time, familiarized herself with dogs, added four new states to her “been to” map and two more Swiss bibs and stuffed airplanes to her baby-flier collection, inspired a couple of saintly strangers (and one illness) to help us get back home without incident*, and completely undid any last vestiges of a good sleep schedule.

Mira and I returned from this vacation sans Dad, feeling very tired and out of sorts indeed. At least, I felt tired and out of sorts. I am just interpreting her inability to sleep at night for longer than 45 minutes at a stretch as such. Until Pat got back, her MO was to wake up crying every hour until I took her to bed with me, during which time she kept sleep just out of reach, alternately rolling, flailing, crying, and—in one super-unfortunate case—falling out of the bed, until morning came again.

We have been home now for as long as we were away. In that time, we’ve had two rounds of house guests, Mira got sick with a nasty upper respiratory infection, and our fridge stopped working.

When the repair guy came, you’ll be happy to know I didn’t kiss him on the mouth. This is in part because 1) he was extremely short, and the angle was all wrong, and 2) our fridge being out of commission, even for the six days it took to send a repairman, wasn’t so disastrous thanks to our second--or, as I think of it, baby--refrigerator. Baby not because it’s tiny (though it is, and all refrigerators here are) but because we bought it right before the baby came to accommodate all the pre-prepared food we stocked in anticipation of total-life paralysis. So, thanks, baby fridge. Aside from a few condiment casualties, you saved us a lot of food.

The interesting part (to me, at least) of this overlong fridge anecdote is what exactly was wrong with our fridge. I’d told the guy that the freezer worked, but the fridge was fully off and its light only turned on when the freezer door was open.

He pulled out his little calipers and a dial-looking thing, and in less than 10 minutes he had an answer.

Someone (me? Simba?) had pressed the vacation button.

The what?

The VACATION BUTTON. [pointing]

Well, son of a bitch. I thought maybe it made piña coladas or emitted spray tan, but I was always too afraid to press it. Now I know. The vacation button turns off the fridge. How could such a sublime-looking image represent something so utterly stupid?

Pat’s questions was, who needs a vacation button for their refrigerator?

Residents of energy-conscious countries the offer employees three weeks of vacation because, in addition to conserving energy, they promote a healthy work-life balance. They must not feel any attachment to their ketchup, pickles, butter, olives and Tibetan chili sauce.

Could the amount of energy saved by turning the fridge off really warrant the time and effort of completely emptying and cleaning the fridge, and the expense of wasting/replacing those non-perishable perishables?

My judgement is clouded. I’m still mourning the loss of that exquisitely spicy chili sauce.

But this story has a happy ending: Our fridge works again, and now we know what happens when you press the umbrella/toadstool. And this whole notion of a vacation button—specifically, the act of turning it off to make the fridge come back on—has been illustrative in other realms of life.

In an epilogue to my previous post, Cry, Baby, Cry, we’ve had to revisit sleep training. Whether we are attributing it to our lazy holiday approach to nighttime routines or jet lag or teething or upper respiratory infections or all of the above, Mira’s sleep habits had degraded to the point that she was only sleeping on one or the other of us. Which, I’ll tell you, feels good and snuggly with the baby breath and the tickly chick fur in your face and that wonderful smell and the snarfles and fat little fingers flicking you in the night. But it’s hell on pretty much all other aspects of life.

Exactly one week ago, we decided to retry the crying it out, but this time not going in every 4 to 6 minutes to reassure her, something which seemed to make her more upset rather than less. We just let her cry. And cried a little ourselves, as we’d been doing in inverse proportion to sleeping.

I am not kidding you for a second when I say that it worked. It worked so well, and so fast, it feels like a joke. I am actually pissed off by how effective this has been. She is now sleeping 13 hours at a stretch, and when we put her down at night or for naps, she cries only for as long as it takes us to walk back downstairs. By the time my feet hit the living room, all is quiet, and remains so until morning.

Oh.

Before, when nothing was working (especially not our brains) was it that we weren’t ready? Or was it that she wasn’t ready? Or, after a prolonged period of mutual unreadiness,  did we—parents and child—both reach readiness at the same time? I don’t know. I hate to think that had we just been braver for longer and let her cry more and harder that we’d all have been sleeping better and sooner. I’d rather blame jet lag, for this and any number of other ills.

Mind you, I have only had one week of enough rest after about seven months of too little, so I should really walk before I run. But suddenly, so many things seem possible. Pat and I have joined Weight Watchers (because seriously, scale, WTAF?), I went to the gym yesterday for the first time since before our trip, I’m setting better professional and personal writing boundaries, and I am *actually getting things done.*  On average, I’m also noticing fewer personal injuries, lost items, scheduling screw-ups, embarrassing interactions, and adult-onset tantrums.

Holy shit and hallelujah! Is this what sleep does?

I have heard that for every time zone you cross, expect a day of jet lag. Perhaps the length of the trip comes into play, too. For every day away, expect a day of getting back on schedule. Could the number of destinations factor? For each additional location, add a week of recovery time. Maybe this is a secret formula that three-week-holiday-taking Europeans don’t tell us long-weekends-only Americans. That and their cryptic energy-saving appliance-settings. Did somebody press my vacation button? And who unpressed it? (Simbaaaaa?)

We had plans to return to the US in July, two weeks from now. Three weeks of  family in three different destinations. As George W. said, “Fool me once, shame on... shame on you. Fool me can’t get fooled again.”

With that in mind, we’ll be here with both fridges full and flipped on, catching up on a half-year’s worth of sleep, and waiting just a hair longer before we push the vacation button again.

*Special shout-outs to:

Lufthansa desk lady, you told me the check-in desk was closed, computers off, for another two hours and there was no one in the baggage room, but proceeded to check me in, assign me a seat, *and* tag and take all of my luggage, all of which arrived intact at my final destination. I love you.

Gentleman in 28G, formerly of 20G, for volunteering your bulkhead seat so Mira could sleep in a bassinet and stop pulling on the hair of the passenger in 28F. When the flight attendant thanked you for your kindness, you said, “I am just being human.” I love you, too.

The stomach bug that struck mere days before our departure, taking down my mom, my aunt, our friend, and Pat, yet somehow avoiding me and Mira altogether. I owe you two days curled in the fetal position.