#I don’t think either Splinter would basically just the same names twice

[possumsarenice]

I’ve seen some people make some “What if the 2012 and 2018 turtles switched and grew up in the others’ world” AUs, but imagine if you will “2012 or 2018 Splinter has eight sons instead of four” aka, Splinter bought the 2012 AND 2018 turtles in the pet store or in 2018 Barron Draxum added 4 more turtles to his roster. In either universe the eight grow up as siblings. That is some chaos I’d love to see

[heymacy]

I love all those sentence prompts you just posted.😂 But I feel like the most appropriate one is probably:

“So why did I have to punch that guy?”

Thank you Arrow!! 💗

Ridiculous Sentence Prompts: "So why did I have to punch that guy?"

--

There were only a few things left in the world that made Mickey really, really angry.

The first was their property manager, Melanie, and her stupid-ass dog with its stupid, stupid diaper.

The second was the fact that a single can of beer cost four times more on the West Side than it did back in their old neighborhood. What special brand of bullshit were these crunchy granola hippies trying to churn out at the Wine, Etc. store, anyway?

The third thing, and probably the only one that would stick around after he adjusted to his new life above the poverty line, was any time that anyone disrespected, hurt, or even mildly annoyed his husband.

Every time they dealt with an irritating client or an overzealous new employee, Mickey would clench his teeth and fight the urge to knock them on their ass. One hit was all it would take, he knew that for certain. He'd taken down Ian's exes, family members, hell, even Ian himself on a few occasions, with a single punch to the throat.

Now, he was an adult, a business owner, a husband and partner that needed to play by society's rules if they were ever going to crawl out of the gutter completely.

The very idea made Mickey's teeth ache.

He bit his bottom lip while they sat side-by-side in their booth at the Alibi, waiting for some schmuck to meet them for an interview.

"We need to start interviewing the guys we hire, Mickey," Ian had said one night while cooking dinner. He chopped the carrots and celery on the wooden cutting board while Mickey sat slumped on the couch, nursing a beer and watching a TikTok Mandy had sent him earlier that day.

He looked up at his husband as he watched an orange and white cat chow down on kibble after his automatic feeder malfunctioned.

Mandy 🌻 (6:09pm): plz tell ian this is him in cat form

Mickey snorted at his phone, barely registering Ian's comment.

"Mick?" Ian tried again, and Mickey looked up from his phone.

"Hmm?" he replied through a mouthful of beer.

"I said we need to start interviewing the guys we hire," Ian said again, using the knife to scrape the carrots and celery off of the cutting board and into the giant pot he had boiling on the stove. Mickey wasn't sure what he was making, but it smelled amazing.

"What for? Those resumé things ain't good enough for you?" Mickey's mouth quirked up on the side as he tried to hide a smirk.

Ian rolled his eyes and used the comically oversized wooden spoon to stir his soup.

"No, Mick. So we don't have another Connor situation."

Mickey snorted. Connor was a dipshit they'd hired back in April to help with pickups, a dipshit that had cost the company almost $2,500 after he "forgot" to make the deposit with Ian and Mickey at the end of his scheduled route.

"I mean, his name's Connor. Kinda feel like you should've known what you were walkin' in to with that one."

"I'm serious," Ian said. "Interviews. We gotta do 'em." He stirred the soup vigorously, the spoon clanking against the side of the pot with every twist.

Mickey sighed deeply and rolled his eyes.

"Fine, we'll interview some new guys. But we're not doing it at a Starbucks or some shit. I'm not ready to go full West Side." He scrunched up his nose and made a face, to which Ian just chuckled.

"Glad you're on board," he teased, getting back to work on his soup, which had started to bubble.

--

Kev and Vee had moved to Louisville a month before, transferring ownership of the bar to Carl and Officer Tipping, who promised to keep everything just as it was. It gave Mickey a sense of calm knowing that even as the rest of his old neighborhood was slipping away, his adolescent stomping grounds now littered with coffee shops and yoga studios, some things remained the same.

He ran his fingers along the familiar crack in the table, a sharp sensation prodding the pads of his fingertips and helping him forget, even temporarily, what they were there to do.

Ian smacked the back of Mickey's hand gently.

"Stop it," he said, referring to the way Mickey was two seconds away from giving himself a splinter.

Mickey huffed and rolled his eyes.

"What's this guy's name again?"

Ian looked at his phone where he had an email pulled up. He glanced over the message then scrolled to the bottom.

"Derek," he said plainly.

"Derek," Mickey mocked, and Ian whacked him in the chest with the back of his hand.

"Knock it off," he said, and Mickey rolled his eyes again.

"Whatever. He's late anyway, let's just bail and go get some pizza."

"He's not late, Mickey. It's only..." he looked at his watch. "3:58. He's got three minutes until he's late."

Just then, as if summoned by Ian's voice, a tall, lanky, blond man walked through the front door of the bar and made his way towards the back corner booth where Ian and Mickey sat.

"You guys Ian and Mackie?"

Ian snorted as he tried to hide his laughter. Mickey rolled his eyes a third time, this time so hard that it was honestly impressive he didn't snap his optic nerves in the process.

"Mickey," Ian corrected politely. He nudged his husband with his elbow and the two of them climbed out of the booth to meet with their interviewee.

Ian shook his hand firmly.

"I'm Ian, and this is my husband Mickey." He smiled and turned to Mickey, who was standing with his hands in his pockets and giving Derek, all six feet two inches of him, an intense once-over. Elbowing his husband for a second time, Mickey relented, pulling his hands from his pockets and reaching out to shake Derek's hand. His giant palm was cold and clammy but also somehow uncomfortably hot. Mickey grimaced.

"Hey," he said gruffly. "Mickey."

"Derek," the other man said as they shook hands. "So you two are married?"

Ian nodded.

"Little over a year now, yeah."

Derek nodded.

"Cool, cool, cool," he said, nodding and looking around. "So this place is...interesting."

The judgmental and condescending way Derek said "interesting" wasn't new or unusual to either of them, but tall lanky blond bitches with North Side energy and a terrible fade saying "interesting" like they wanted to say "disgusting" made Mickey's blood boil.

He clenched his fist without even realizing what he was doing. Ian noticed immediately when Mickey's shoulders tensed up, stiffening in a way that reminded Ian of a startled cat, and he turned to climb back in the booth. He squeezed Mickey's arm once, twice, and dragged him down into the booth with him.

"It was a family friend's place," Ian said, nonchalant, eager to move the conversation away from the Alibi and towards their business. "So, Derek, on your resume, I see that you worked--"

Derek cut Ian off mid-sentence.

"Have they ever thought about turning this place into some sort of art installation or something? Just with the open floor plan and the exposed pipes, it's very pseudo-industrial-chic."

If they hadn't already assumed before by his distinct vocal fry and the smell of coconut hair gel, Derek's use of the term "pseudo-industrial-chic" solidified what the other two already knew: there were three gay motherfuckers in this booth.

Ian stuttered for a second, surprised by Derek's interjection and resistance to changing the subject.

"Don't think so, no." He grabbed his phone and opened up the Gmail app again. "So, anyway, your resume says you worked at--"

"You know what would be really cool in here? A movement class. I went to one in LA once that was hosted by Gwyneth Paltrow and it was liberating."

Mickey snorted and Ian elbowed him in the ribs.

"I bet it was," Ian said, unamused at Derek's refusal to talk about his work history. "So you worked at--"

"Have you guys ever been to LA? Oh my god, it's the best. So chic. I mean, I'm from Evanston originally, so basically anything is chic in comparison. I mean, not here, obviously, but you know. Other places."

Ian sighed.

"Totally," he said. "So, your work history, it says--"

"Hey, do you guys know what the best dispensary is around here? Preferably something upscale, with those iPads you can order on. I need a few new carts--"

"Dude," Mickey cut in. "Can you shut the fuck up for five seconds?"

Derek looked surprised, and Mickey could hear Ian's sharp, apprehensive inhale.

"Excuse me?" Derek said, holding his hand to his chest.

"He's been trying to ask you the same question since we sat down, and you won't shut the fuck up about chic cities and weed, so if you could just answer our questions, that would be great." He looked over at Ian, whose eyes were wide and hesitant, unsure about how things were about to unfold.

"You're very rude," Derek said to Mickey, giving him a scowl.

Mickey snorted.

"Yeah, tell me something I don't know."

Derek's eyes narrowed and his forehead wrinkled up, agitated.

"You should be nicer to the people you want to hire." He crossed his arms over his chest like a petulant child.

Mickey laughed out loud.

"Dude, who says we wanna hire you? I'm pretty sure if you worked for us, I'd blow my brains out in the first two minutes."

Ian tried and failed miserably to conceal his laughter, covering his mouth with his hand and looking down at the table. Mickey leaned over towards his husband.

"I kinda wanna punch this guy in the mouth," he mumbled, and Ian side-eyed him from where he sat beside him.

"Please don't," he replied in a whisper before composing himself and turning back to Derek.

"Look, Derek, you seem like a nice guy, but I don't think this is gonna work out." He held out his hand to signal that the interview was over, but Derek didn't return his handshake. Instead, he pouted like a toddler that had just been scolded for bad behavior.

"Your husband's a dick," Derek said to Ian, and Mickey could literally feel Ian's body stiffen next to him.

"Hey," Mickey said, putting his hand on Ian's knee. "Forget it. Let's go get pizza."

"No," Ian said sternly, turning back to Derek. "Listen, dude, you're also kind of a dick, so why don't we just call this a wash and you can go track down your carts or whatever."

Mickey bit his lip, fighting a smile. He secretly loved when Ian got defensive, as long as it wasn't directed towards him.

"You're both dicks!" Derek said, slamming his hands down on the table. He slid out of the booth and stood up, and Mickey and Ian did the same. The three men stood there, Derek facing the husbands with a pissed-off expression.

"You should go," Ian said, pointing at the door.

Derek snorted.

"I guess I shouldn't be surprised. When the ad said South Side, I knew there was a good chance the owners were a couple of trashy, ghetto assholes. But him?" He pointed at Mickey. "He's a world-class dick."

Before Derek could say anything else, he was cut off by a fist to the jaw and dropped to the floor, unconscious.

The ambient chatter and loud clacking of billiard balls came to a halt as the regulars that sat scattered around the Alibi turned in unison to see what had happened. Once they identified the source of the loud "thud" as one of the Gallagher-Milkovich boys knocking out some blond giant, they immediately turned back to their various activities.

Just another day on the South Side.

Ian cupped his right fist in his left hand and turned to Mickey, bewildered.

"I just punched that guy, Mick," he said, genuinely surprised. "I knocked him out. Shit."

Mickey shrugged.

"He kinda deserved it."

Ian looked at Mickey with a really? sort of expression and shook his head back and forth.

"Still," he said, turning to look at Derek, sprawled out unconscious on the floor like a rag doll.

"C'mon man, it's fine. He'll come to, and when he does, we'll be long gone." He grabbed Ian's upper arm and gave him a tug, but Ian just sat back down in the booth.

"Why did I do that?" he asked, but Mickey knew he was talking only to himself. He sat down beside his husband, stepping over Derek's long ass leg on his way back to the booth.

"I mean, you kinda had to."

Ian looked over at Mickey, eyebrows raised. He stared at his husband for a moment, puzzling, before breaking into a smile.

"What?" Mickey asked, confused as to how Ian could go from having some sort of moral crisis over knocking out a hipster to grinning gleefully at his husband in a half second. Ian reached over and put his hand on Mickey's thigh. Immediately, the mood shifted. Pool cues squeaked as they were chalked up and glasses clinked on the countertops. The distinct chhh-chhh sound of a spray bottle punctured Mickey's ear drums as he looked down at his husband's hand on his thigh.

"So," Ian said, voice quieter than before. "Why did I have to punch that guy?"

Mickey smirked. He could be honest, and say the obvious reason, which was that Derek was a total douche canoe and deserved to be socked in the mouth by someone his own size. He could lie, and say it was because Derek seemed dangerous and Ian was just following his instincts, but that would have been the lie of the fucking century.

Instead, he said neither, and opted for something he knew would make Ian smile.

"Because you love me."

Ian's face broke into a full grin and he giggled, leaning over to kiss his husband once, quickly, well-aware of Mickey's hesitancy towards PDA when they were out and about on the South Side.

When he pulled back, he was smirking, and Mickey knew his cheeks were flushed. He hadn't been expecting the kiss, however brief it was, and his stomach felt a little fluttery.

"I mean, I'm not the kind of guy that just stands by and lets people talk shit about the man he loves." He grinned and Mickey rolled his eyes, remembering Ian telling him about the last words he'd said to Glittery Twink Byron the night they'd gotten engaged.

"You're a fuckin' sap, man."

"True," Ian said, standing up from the booth and stepping over Derek's leg as Mickey had done minutes before. He reached out his hand and pulled his husband from the booth. The two of them stood there momentarily, staring at Derek's lump of a body on the sticky, peanut-shell covered floor.

"Should we like, do something?" Mickey asked, kicking Derek's foot with his own boot. The man didn't move a muscle. Mickey wondered for a second if he might be dead, but the shallow rise and fall of the douche canoe's chest let him know that unfortunately, for all of humankind, the asshole was still alive.

Ian shook his head.

"Nah, he can sleep it off."

He reached down and took Mickey's hand in his own.

"C'mon," he said as he dragged them both towards the door. "Let's go get pizza."

[radramblog]

Planeswalkers in Cube: White

It’s been a while since I’ve discussed cube, I think, and also a while since I’ve just dived into a stupidly long topic without thinking too hard about it. And so here we go.

Planeswalkers are kind of in an interesting place in Cubes. Most of the time, they’re powerful midrange or control threats, but a lot of them have more specialised roles that can make them better suited to particular cubes. They’re also popular to include, seeing as they’re big, cool, and splashy, and a lot of people really like playing with them. What home exists for something like Liliana, Death’s Majesty in any other format? (I know it’s fine in commander hush)

However, you can only afford so many slots for Walkers in your cube, depending on how you treat them. And so, you’re not going to see all of them very often. Here, we’re going to go through all of them, colour by colour, and figure out why you should or shouldn’t play them, and which go better in different builds. Starting off, as many things do, with Mono-White.

Some ground rules: I’m not going to talk about the Planeswalker deck cards in this post, because the answer to whether you should play them is pretty much universally “no, why”. I’m also not going to talk about the creature->planeswalker transform cards, because they get treated more like creatures in a Cube environment. Jace, Vryn’s Prodigy is kinda just Merfolk Looter.

My next point before I talk actual cards: I’m far from an expert on this sort of thing, and this is going to be my opinions! If you want a different perspective, Season 4 episode 6 of Solely Singleton is a great podcast about this exact topic, though it’s two and a half years old at this point so some things might be a bit outdated.

Finally: White is a colour that tends to get more good Planeswalkers than other colours. Turns out, most Gideons and token-producing walkers are good in slower decks, who’d a thunk it. So unlike, say, Black, the average here is a bit higher than most of the time.

Let’s get into it!

 Ajani Goldmane

Ajani is kind of a classic, but the original iteration is kind of showing its 14 years of age. It’s a 4-mana walker (which is a very competitive slot) with a +1 that doesn’t really do anything, a turn-3 ultimate that dies to removal, and while the minus is good (see cards like Unbreakable Formation, or other Ajanis), it requires a board and isn’t really worth a four mana cast.

I had thought he’d be good in more budget lists, though. Except he hasn’t been printed since 2010 and so even though he sees no play he’s still like 5 bucks. So I’d pass on this version of cat dad.

 Elspeth, Knight-Errant

On the other hand, Elspeth pt.1 is still one of the best Planeswalkers you can play. She makes blockers for days, can push through some serious damage, and does both of those things while getting more resilient rather than less. Her ultimate might not be game-breaking, but since she’s constantly pushing towards it anyway you don’t really mind. Also she’s only 4 mana, holy moly.

Elspeth is good in aggro, good in midrange, and arguably still more than playable in control. At 12ish dollars, it’s not the ideal price point, but if you can afford it (or have one sitting around), she’s absolutely worth the include.

 Gideon Jura

Gideon 1 is a bit more specific. Aggro is not going to want him, seeing as the minus does basically nothing in that deck and the +2 isn’t really worth your time at 5 mana. On the other hand, this card is nuts in control. It’s a hard-to-kill wincon that is also removal that fuels its own condition and survives boardwipes. Gideon Jura is a chad in those decks, and kind of takes over the game the moment he comes down.

The other nice thing about Gideon Jura is that due to recent reprints in Mystery Booster and his Signature Spellbook, as well as not being very good in Commander, he’s ludicrously cheap. You can get one of these for under a dollar, making it perfect for budget cubes (that still include rares). Although, at that point, he might be warping to a cheaper format where aggro is worse, so keep an eye on him.

 Elspeth Tirel

Elspeth’s second incarnation (which is the one with her last name, because ???) is significantly worse than her first. If you’re in a slower deck where you want the ultimate, she’s probably not going to live to make it there. If you want the tokens, there are better options at cheaper mana costs. And you don’t want the +2, unless you somehow have a decent board against a red aggro deck.

I remember really liking this card when I first started playing Magic. That was a long time ago, and we have had much better options in the near-decade since then.

 Ajani, Caller of the Pride

The first 3-mana walker on this list, and one that shows the conservativeness WoTC had when first testing them at that mana cost. Just kidding, this came out after Liliana of the Veil.

Ajani 3is theoretically fine in an aggressive deck, but white has some seriously good 3-drop creatures that you’d rather just cast instead. Because when your options are a Blade Splicer or putting a +1/+1 counter on your two drop…I’m taking that token. And let’s not act like this card has any place in a midrange or control deck.

 Gideon, Champion of Justice

This was the first Planeswalker I ever opened, so I have a soft spot for it. But not enough of one to put it in my cube.

As potentially threatening as this Gideon is, he basically doesn’t do anything? While token decks might have a hard time taking him out, seeing as his loyalty can get pretty huge against them, they can also just block him forever. The ultimate is a game-ender, but also would leave Gideon so small that your opponent might just have enough time to draw lands and get back in the game. And he doesn’t do anything to protect himself aside from get big, and doesn’t really progress your board, so. Sorry Gids, you’ll get them next time.

 Elspeth, Sun’s Champion

Elspeths alternate being good, I guess. Elspeth, Sun’s Champion is basically unplayable outside of slow midrange or control, but is utterly incredible in those decks! She wipes out anything that would threaten her and makes enough blockers to easily protect either herself or you, and stalls long enough that those tokens can turn into a wincon via her ultimate.

It is not as universally powerful as the four-drop Elspeth, but the 6-drop one undeniably shapes the game when she hits the table. She stops aggro in its tracks, and nukes the shit out of midrange, especially green-based decks. I suppose there are times when she might be awkward to cast because she hits your own threats…but then just hold her back or +1, dude.

 Ajani Steadfast

Ajani Steadfast is kind of trying to be a better version of Ajani Goldmane. And yet, funnily enough, the Vigilance on Goldmane’s -1 is so important, as is being a -1 instead of a -2, so he’s kind of in a similar tier. The loyalty counter upside is so utterly niche that it might as well not exist, but the +1 is unquestionably much better at least.

Like with Goldmane, Ajani Steadfast isn’t really doing anything at 4 that cheaper cards don’t do better. And he’s at about the same price point. At least the ultimate is better?

 Nahiri, the Lithomancer

Nahiri is really specific. Like, if you’re at a power level where you have equipment worth playing Nahiri with, then you’re probably at a power level where she’s completely outclassed by things like Angel of Invention or…I mean, most other playable 5s. And some unplayable ones.

…I just remembered this card has 3 starting loyalty. On a 5-drop walker. You can -2 her and she’ll die to literally a goblin token. I sure hope that Equipment you got had Living Weapon!

 Gideon, Ally of Zendikar

The first 4-drop that really steps to Elspeth, Knight-Errant. This Gideon is kind of just good in any deck- aggro decks like a 5/5 top end that makes a token T1 or just is an unkillable Glorious Anthem, midrange loves an infinite source of 2/2 to block or beat down with, and control loves an infinite source of blockers that can clean up after a wipe. He’s just kind of a disgusting piece of cardboard for a whole variety of decks, making him easily one of the best walkers in the entire format.

Also he’s…surprisingly cheap? After one “real” printing, and being on The List (which doesn’t do much, trust me), Gideon Ally of Zendikar is still only like 5 bucks. So if you can justify spending that much on one card…probably do that? He won’t let you down.

 Gideon of the Trials

Unlike our first 3-mana walker, this one is more than playable in slower decks. Gideon of the Trials is kind of awkward for aggressive decks, put what he does do is effectively remove some seriously big threats, adjust for whichever is the biggest problem around, and still punches peoples as a 4/4 Gideon. And he also has the unique benefit of being a Planeswalker that makes combo decks think twice, given that Emblem- though you’ll still go to 0 life if Splinter Twin or a similar combo is in play, and then die since they probably killed him too there.

Once again, though, this card is pretty cheap, sitting at about 3 bucks. As we get towards the more recent end of this list, a lot of these cards are going to look like that. I remember when I made my first cube, with the restriction of “Rares/Mythics that are under $2 US”, and getting 0 white Planeswalkers. I was playing the Planeswalker deck Gideon, for fuck’s sake! Things are so much better now.

Ajani, Adversary of Tyrants

I could never really get a good read on this Ajani. It’s obviously something control doesn’t want, and the +1 isn’t doing a huge amount in midrange decks. But the -2 is powerful in creature-based decks, and the +1 is solid for quicker builds, but not enough to really justify 4 mana? There’s a lot of power here, but the parts kind of form a strange whole.

I guess it depends a lot on how deep that 2-drop slot is in your cube, and how deep the 4-drop slot is. Because you kinda need good 2s and medium 4s for Ajani to really shine. I’m a little bothered by how meh Ajanis are apparently in general in Cube, but the multicoloured ones are a bit more solid.

 Gideon Blackblade

Take Gideon of the Trials, make it not playable in control, and make it really fucking good in aggressive decks. There you go, that’s Gideon Blackblade. Cheap in money and in mana, he’s here to die, aside from the part where he’s hard to kill.

The +1 on this card is not super great, but you have to keep in mind that you get that at the same time as Gideon being a creature. Honestly, it’s kind of easier to think of this card as a creature with a triggered ability than as a planeswalker, at least as far as cube is concerned. It also helps that the -6 isn’t actually that hard to hit, considering you can keep a creature back by giving it vigilance. He’s quite solid, and might just be the best aggro walker White gets. Certainly at 3, at least.

 Teyo, the Shieldmage

A bit of a step down from our last 3-drop, Teyo is clearly not built for the same formats as Gideon Blackblade. But with him, we can talk about weaker formats, like Peasant, where Teyo is…still not great? 3 mana gets you a pair of 0/3s and immunity to burn spells, which I suppose control might like in formats where you don’t really get board wipes, but I can’t imagine any other deck wanting him. And that’s not a great place to be.

 The Wanderer

Much like Teyo, I don’t think even Peasant wants this. I do think it’s kinda better- their static abilities are virtually the same, except Mx. ??? here extends the burn protection to your creatures. And they do serve as removal, but its both expensive and narrow. Like, how often is this just going to kill a 4/4 and then get killed by their 2/2? I wouldn’t play Smite the Monstrous but it gains 2 life.

I’m interested to see this character return at some point. Maybe next time they can be playable. Some of the uncommon walkers from WAR were great for Peasant (and some even in higher formats), but this isn’t one of them.

 Serra the Benevolent

Okay, so. 4 mana Serra Angel that can stick around to make another one is quite powerful! Though the +2 basically does nothing, it’s still a +2, meaning you can get an unkillable Worship the turn after you play this if you aren’t under pressure, or go token into pump into token. Serra is clearly quite solid!

However, it suffers from two issues. One, it’s competing for that 4-drop slot, and is less playable than Elspeth or Gideon in slower decks since she makes tokens slower than those two do. The tokens are more threatening for sure, but token decks generally want more tokens rather than bigger tokens. And two: it’s more expensive than Gideon and similar in price to Elspeth, not to mention another card we’ll get to later, so she’s not even getting into cheaper cubes. Since a lot of cube slots like this are taken by cards with more general playability, Serra is going to sit on the sidelines more often than she maybe should. If you’re at like a 720 list, though, spare her a thought.

 Ajani, Strength of the Pride

Take everything I just said about Serra, and make it worse, basically. I suppose 4 mana for two Ajani’s Pridemates is fine, but the plus doesn’t do anything (unless you have those tokens, in which case it’s okay) and you are never activating that 0 unless you’re already winning.

Oh also he’s more expensive than she is and is still at the same mana cost. Yeah nah I wouldn’t bother. Ripper in my Cat EDH deck though.

 Elspeth, Sun’s Nemesis

This card is actually really interesting. Our last Elspeth is still mono-white, despite the art and flavour, but she almost doesn’t play like she is. I think most of the time, she’s likely to make 4 tokens and then probably cack it, but the Escape on this is really interesting. By the time you reach 6 mana, you probably will just have enough cards in the yard to cast this again.

I really don’t know how to interpret this card. She’s in my own cube, but I don’t remember seeing her cast yet, so that’s not really any help. My guess is that she’s mostly good in slower decks, but also making and pumping tokens does output a fair bit of damage over time. She’s only like a dollar, so maybe try her out? At least she won’t be an expensive mistake if she is one.

 Basri Ket

Mr. Sandman here is pretty much just a better Ajani, Caller of the Pride. The +1 does more, the -2 actually puts things on board and is better for aggressive decks to get value out of, and the ultimate is actually attainable. He’s basically aggro-only, but he’ll get the job done in those decks.

However, the 3-mana Gideons kind of just outshine Basri here. He does literal jack squat without a creature on board, and his -2 is quite weak with only one or two attacking creatures to work with. The ultimate is nice, but +1ing over and over is extremely bleh, and you probably have better things to do. So sorry, Basri, maybe next time.

 Grand Master of Flowers

Bahamut, you aren’t fooling anyone, it’s on the typeline. For reference, Monk of the Open Hand is a 1/1 for W that gets a +1/+1 counter if you cast two spells in a turn- so it’s not really worth running? And even if you do put it in your cube, there’s no guarantee you’ll have both in a deck, or want to play both in a deck…so…

Okay, fine, let’s assume you just get a copy of Monk of the Open Hand when you draft the card. I’m still not super enthused about this Planeswalker. The lockdown ability is going to miss more than you think it will, and a lot of the things it misses are the things likely to kill you. It can make a 1/1 every turn, but only one at a time, and if they exile it then the ability does stone nothing. And that “ultimate” takes forever to actually get to. Also it’s another 4-mana White Walker. I think I’ll pass on this one. Somehow, both Tiamat and Bahamut were disappointments.

 Teyo, Aegis Adept

I wasn’t sure whether or not to include this, but I didn’t really want to end on GMoF, so. I’ve done a whole post on the digital-only cards, and I do think Teyo, despite being a Planeswalker, is one of the less fucky ones. You will need to track a lot of things, though.

So how does the card stack up? Honestly, I think it’s surprisingly solid. Aggro probably isn’t that interested, though Lumbering Lightshield’s ETB (makes a random card in the opponent’s hand cost 1 more) could be a real pain if you’re lucky. It makes a 4/4 every other turn for a bit, which is quite solid, and the ultimate isn’t that unobtainable. And you don’t have to worry about money, because this could only ever exist as a proxy.

I’d be really interested to see how Teyo, Aegis Adept plays. I don’t think I’m likely to, outside of Arena-based cubes, with the whole stigma around these cards and the added layer of having to proxy them. But in an Arena cube, with a restricted list of cards he’s competing with (It’s Adversary of Tyrants forward), he could really shine.

 This concludes White Walkers, the post. Please join next week when we discuss Blue Walkers. Make your own Game of Thrones joke here, I haven’t watched or read it.

[ihaspoorgrammer]

Legend of Korra: Alternate Season 2

In honor of LoK coming to Netflix, I’ve decided to vomit all my feelings towards that show the best way I can - creative writing - In a “What I think Should’ve Happened” essay for your reading pleasure. For those who don’t have the time, I’ll just come out and say it -- Legend of Korra was created with one season in mind, and that’s how it should've stayed.

All the concepts and ideas they introduced in the first season (and The Last Airbender) were more-or-less abandoned by the sequel so they could flounder and come to a deflating end.

So, I wrote this as a way to actually make use of them in a meaningful way that the creators so casually disregarded:

A few months after the battle with Amon, the Equalists have splintered into different cells throughout Republic City. Amon being revealed as a Waterbender weakened them, but that doesn’t take away from the larger points they championed about Bender/Non-Bender inequality. As a consequence, the United Forces soldiers are still a presence in the city, and Chief Biefong has made use of them as additional keepers of the peace, working with the Metalbending police to help rebuild and establish order, and has benefited greatly from the leadership of General Iroh and Commander Bumi.Korra is still airbending training with Tenzin as well as learning about the Avatar State, and she seems to have done a complete 180 in terms of her training; now dedicating herself to it full time to it. Tenzin is naturally happy about this development, but cautions her that the training will have to come naturally and it’s not something she can force, and is wary of how deeply her fight with Amon affected her.   The Fire Ferrets are preparing for their first match since last season against the Polar Leopards, Mako and Bolin steel their nerves while their new waterbender - Tahno - tells them to "relax" and "prepare to be amazed." After putting up a spirited fight, the Fire Ferrets and their opponents are tied. After ganging up on Tahno - who is at a disadvantage, being more accustomed to cheating - is saved by Mako. With seconds left, Tahno subtly bends the water on the opposing team’s side, and creates an ice-patch, causing an opponent to slip. Tahno takes advantage of this, and wins the match with a “Korra Special.” Only Mako notices the cheat.  After the match, Mako approaches Tahno about the cheating, but lets it slide. At Bolin’s suggestion, the two brothers go out to celebrate and invite Tahno along, but he opts out for "training” (after this, we see that Tahno has a picture of Korra in his locker, hinting that he only joined the Ferrets to make it up to her for restoring his bending).Asami has taken full control of Future Industries and personally oversees the production of new satomobiles and has saved Future Industries from bankruptcy with new airplanes designs. However, the company can't shake the black-eye her father gave it and her name, so business contacts have become scarce and shareholders have started pulling out. Worse, the board of directors have begun flexing their muscles to try and squeeze her out. She needs to come up with something good and fast.Mako, Bolin, and Tahno are in the middle of free-for-all sparring, when Tahno accidentally makes ice and headshots Bolin (which makes his vision comically go double). Mako scolds Tahno about it, causing Tahno to storm off.   Later that night on Air Temple Island, Mako brings Korra a meat dinner (Tenzin has put her on a vegetarian diet), but she declines. They begin to discuss Tahno’s participation in the team, which Mako believes was a bad idea, but Korra reminds him that Tahno has cut back on cheating, worked hard, and overall been a good addition (or stand-in for Korra). They share a nice couple-moment and laugh. We see Asami in the distance looking at them longingly, showing that she is still hurt over Mako leaving her for Korra. She starts to walk back to her room when she hears a strange noise in the distance. The source is Commander Bumi throwing his boomerang back and forth. After talking for a bit (and Bumi revealing that the boomerang once belonged to his uncle, Sokka), Bumi allows Asami to give it a throw. After a successful first try, she accidentally throws it through Tenzin's window. Bumi tells her "I didn't see anything if you didn't see anything." As he hops in the bushes to hide and Asami runs away. Laughing.  Meanwhile, a group of once-small time Triad gangs (they were "little people" before Amon "de-bended" the major families), are attacked by members of the Triple Threat. After a small battle, the Triple Threats win, and take with them a powerful bloodbender (or they start interrogating someone), leaving behind a message: “Lightning strikes twice.” ------

After that, Season 2 is in full swing. The Triads are the major Big Bad of this season because the purpose of the show was to be the opposite of Airbender, narratively speaking. So, that means keeping Korra and the cast firmly in Republic City and no more globe trotting.

This puts a bigger emphasis on the characters and their interpersonal relationships (which was the big draw of the show to begin with), rather than having to build up and explain the geo-politics of a new setting.

If they did stay for at least one more season, it probably would have emphasized a larger untapped well; the city was designed to be a 1920’s New York-style “melting-pot”, a place where all cultures come together and mix (Mako and Bolin are a product of a Fire Nation and Earth Kingdom union, and Tahno seems to be the a product of a Fire Nation and Water Tribe union). So, essentially, it’s the architectural equivalent of the Avatar. Just as the Avatar is the synergy of the four nations, Republic City does the exact same thing, just on a larger scale. One more season would better emphasize this fact, and show that despite what people think, it is possible for the four nations to co-exist as long as it’s based on mutual respect and sharing of differences, not domination of differences. This imaginary second season could also be used to address multiculturalism in any number of ways. 

Maybe the new Big Bad could’ve been a terrorist group dedicated to keeping the nations separate and "pure," and see the City as an affront to the Avatar’s “true responsibility.” And maybe Korra can see that, despite its flaws, the city and what it represents is worth saving. It also would have emphasised the “super-hero” aspect of the show; Korra being a Superman-figure who constantly has to protect her Metropolis from ever-constant calamities.  Another aspect that could’ve been added, was that the people of Republic City could’ve helped the Krew. You see, the citizens of Rep. City are constantly infantilized to the point of helplessness until Korra and co. show up to help. The opposite approach would have emphasised the multicultural aspect of the city, and how when push comes to shove, they are all one big family.Maybe even having a scene like from the original Spider-Man movie where the citizens actually help the Krew out, saying “you mess with one of us, you mess with all of us!”

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

From my perspective, there’s no better way to kick this off than introducing this monkey-wrench into the Krew’s system -- the return of Lightning Bolt Zolt, Mako and Bolin’s adoptive father.

See, in the backstory that the show never did anything with, after their parents died, Mako and Bolin became part of the Triads. Though Mako stresses to Korra that he only "ran numbers" for them during his time there. . . So either Mako is a mathematical prodigy, or he's lying. Because I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say he probably received no formal education on the streets that would enable him to work for the Triads in that capacity. So that begs the question: why would he lie? What did he do during his time working for the Triads, that would make him leave and never speak of it again? It’s because he was specially trained by Zolt personally. Learning Lightningbending in the process.

Now, Zolt will use this connection to manipulate Mako for his own purposes, which involves getting his bending back, which will of course drive a wedge between him and Korra.

Zolt may be a bastard, but he was arguably more of a father to him than Mako’s actual father, and that kind of emotional connection is hard to ignore. In fact, it’s such a shock to his system that his Lightningbending stops working.

Which brings him in contact with General Iroh.

When we first meet Mako, he’s determined, blunt, stubborn, and reserved. Understandably so, seeing as how his parents were murdered in front of him Batman-style and was forced to basically raise his little brother on his own, on the streets. As a consequence, one of his most defining characteristics is his inability to relax. He’s constantly trying to fix everything, constantly trying to help everybody, and constantly trying to remain in control. So, Avatar-style development demands that he gradually realize that he can’t control everything and learn to relax, allowing Bolin to become his own person, and learning to go with the flow. Which is something they actually didn’t do in the fourth season. He was largely extraneous to the story and they actually took every opportunity they had to show how useless he was.

Meanwhile, Bolin starts being approached by Lin Biefong, who believes the young man has the potential to be part of the Metalbending police force, despite his claims that he can’t Metalbend. However, Lin eventually realizes why he never could; he’s never had to apply himself. You need to have an unrelenting drive to force the minerals within to move, and that’s not something Bolin has ever needed. In Season 4 of the actual show, I almost applauded it for having Bolin sign up for the army because I thought that’s exactly what he needed -- a place to apply himself. Mako being such a mother-hen accidentally stunted Bolin’s emotional growth, never allowing him to mature and become independent. Which could lead into a very Sokka-like confession:

B: “Do you want to know something really terrible; I don’t miss them. Mako was the one that really knew them. I remember bits of things, but … They’re just … People I didn’t get to know. Mako’s the one that’s always been there for me.”

So here, Lin takes it upon herself to be his teacher and actually show his true potential. They grow closer as a result, and she and Bolin start developing a mother-son relationship. When we first meet Bolin, he’s immature, a show-off, something of a womanizer, a shameless flirt, and a goof-off. The unifying detail with the Bending Brothers is that Mako was sort of holding them both back; Mako’s over-protectiveness never allowed him to choose what was best for himself, and stunted Bolin’s emotional growth into becoming a more independent adult. What they could’ve done - if they wanted to save time - was to have their character arcs work off of each other -- while Mako becomes more relaxed and free-spirited, Bolin becomes more responsible and goal-oriented.

The only other place that the phrase “wasted potential” belongs besides in association with Tahno we’ll get to in a minute, but for now let’s focus on him. The creators once said that they “care about all the characters … except Tahno,” which should show the lack of imagination that was rather systemic in the thinking process there (and what liars they are).

From the start, Tahno is clearly deeply affected by Amon stripping him of his bending, even if Korra gave it back to him. And while he still resorts to cheating now and then, it’s not entirely because he’s a natural cheater … it’s because his bending hasn’t completely come back, and neither has Korra’s for that matter.

They’re both so traumatized by Amon’s Bloodbending that they’re experiencing “hiccups” in their powers.

Korra has tried to deal with it by doubling-down on her Airbender training to “find inner peace,” while Tahno is just trying to ignore it.

Eventually, their arcs cross paths, and they bond of their attempts at healing, having to come to terms with the fact that the “body heals only after the mind heals.” Which further draws a wedge between her and Mako.

Now, there is still a love-triangle here, but it’s in service to why Mako and Korra were brought together in the first place: they aren't supposed to be like Katara and Aang, where it was love-at-first-sight. They’re supposed to be the more realistic couple that have problems and have to make compromises because they love each other.

Love isn’t something that just happens, you have to work hard at it and make the other person happy without looking for the advantage. Relationships - both platonic and romantic - need to be built on mutual trust and understanding, and with understanding means taking a person for both their good and bad qualities.

Infatuation is the kind of love that is more shallow and doesn’t last.

Under direct orders from Fire Lord Zuko himself, General Iroh has started staying at Air Temple Island to watch over the Avatar, which leads him to becoming an unofficial therapist to the people staying there, namely Korra, Tahno, and Mako.Iroh is unique among the cast because he’s inherited Uncle Iroh’s position of someone who already has everything figured out themselves.

He grew up with loving parents and loving grandparents, and we learn that he had the honor of being one of the first firebenders taught by the Sun Warriors, who Zuko spent most of his life helping reconstruct (where he gained the nickname, “The Young Dragon”).

This new living situation makes him a part of the Krew later on, and brings him closer contact with Asami, who he develops a rapport with. And finally, we come to Asami, who is still dealing with losing her father and potentially losing everything else.

You don’t have the founder of a company be linked to a terrorist organisation and expect that company to survive, no matter what financial magic you can conjure. Which is something Asami is learning all too well.But in this madness, she meets two people -- Commander Bumi and General Iroh (who’s under an official Fire Lord order to watch over the Avatar).

She soon becomes Bumi’s ward, eventually, Bumi will act as a surrogate father for Asami, and she will help him organize, and win, a blimp race. From then on, she starts exclusively referring to him with the honorific, "commander."

They become so close that he starts teaching her everything Sokka taught him. You see, because Aang spent more time with Tenzin and Katara more time with Kya, that meant that Bumi ended up bonding with his non-bending uncle, (who later in life became master Piandao’s best student).

That’s why Bumi carries around Sokka's boomerang; Sokka was probably more of a father to him than Aang was.

So Sokka, never having children of his own after Suki tragically died, taught Bumi everything he knew, including how to recreate Space Earth Metal.And, after they grow closer, he decides to trust Asami with this sacred technique. … 

Which she immediately tries to patent and market in order to save Future Industries. However, when she learns how deeply she hurt Bumi by doing this, she finally cuts her losses and sells the company. After that, she decides to pursue a different career, perhaps by joining the United Forces. 

And, while all of this is happening, Tenzin is informed by the White Lotus that global bending birth rates are going down with the modernization and mechanization of the world. Signifying that people's disconnection with nature and spirituality is robbing them of their bending.

Just like what happened to the Fire Nation.

And if this rate continues, in a few generations, bending might completely disappear.

------

Avatar: The Last Airbender was aimed primarily at children and early teens, because those are big transitional times in young people's lives. But late-teens and early 20's are also big transitional phases in young people's lives. Perhaps even more so, because those are the times where you have to learn how to be an adult. A very alien concept.

So, Legend of Korra seemed primed to tackle the challenges of this time, but for one reason or another, they never did.

Despite having a golden opportunity to say some meaningful things about interracial families and multiculturalism, they instead, did nothing.

This is a quote from a Tumblr post who I sadly can’t track down, but it speaks volumes to what AtLA represented to people:

“You need ALL these things to survive and grow, to hold up your community and push yourself forward. You need to unlearn myths and lies, reform them to fit new realities. You need to respect the past but mold it for the future. In short, you have to “draw wisdom from many different places” while keeping true to who you are and where you come from. IDK if the creators of AtLA thought about these things when crafting this story; I think when a story is well told, with authenticity and love, it has the potential to illuminate many perspectives and strike empathy in many different people. Diasporic consciousness is incredibly valuable because it teaches us a different way of being, a way of interconnectedness and mutual love. The Gaang symbolizes this perfectly: it took all of them with all their different skills, to end the War and restore peace and balance. A diasporic consciousness has the same power: to model a newer, more just, more empathetic way of life.”

Tying into this, I think all the Avatars were wrong in their assertion that the four nations needed to be separated. Think about it. Every single nation failed, in their own way, because they were isolated: the Fire Nation became too proud of its own accomplishments, and became a fascist regime. The Air Nomads' loose and "free" nature allowed the Fire Nation to easily wipe them out. The "go with the flow" attitude of the Southern Water Tribe - similar to the Air Nomads - made them easy targets for the Fire Nation; while the Northern Water Tribe "froze over," becoming rigid in their doctrine and tradition, and could never stand against the Fire Nation alone; and the Earth Kingdom fell too far into its "virtue" of endurance, and became a military dictatorship with a puppet king, cutting off any ties to the outside world. 

“It is important to draw wisdom from many different places. If we take it from only one place, it becomes rigid and stale. Understanding others, the other elements, and the other nations, will help you become whole.”

While the "separate, but equal" stance towards the Four Nations may have been a good idea in the past, in recent years, it's proven to be a recipe for disaster. Most, if not all, of these failings could've been avoided if there had been more open dialogue between the Nations. There is a saving grace in the form of the Order of the White Lotus, but seeing how they all kindly fucked off until the shit really started to hit the fan, I can hardly see how they were a solution to the problem. Now, I really don’t know what else to say. I wrote this entire thing as an exercise to show how Legend of Korra failed in its duties to be an equal to its predecessor, because I was a fan.

Not just of AtLA, but of Lok as well. I watched it, I invested in it, and I was disappointed by it.

Others may have had all their hopes answered by the ending, but I was left with a pit in my stomach over how far the mighty had fallen.

And I don’t look forward to the show being adapted into live action because I don’t think I can take seeing all the lapses in creativity and common sense all over again.

[divine-motion]

don’t fucking interact if you ship t/cest and minor/adult ships

more shitty phone photos of sketchbook sketches for my tmnt fan incarnation/tmnt 2012 rewrite bc i have no shame and i’m having fun with it! pictures should have captions since i spent time writing them out, but tumblr might mess it up, so in case captions doesn’t work: 1. left to right: leo, donatello up, raphael down, michelangelo 2. Casey Jones up top, April O’Neil to the right, donatello in the middle and karai at the bottom 3. casey and don again, raphael to the left, mikey at the bottom just bc i liked how their their expressions turned out and didn’t want a bunch of negative space so don and case appear again 4. size chart featuring turtles. left to right: leo, don, mikey, raph 5. sketchy Slash design. big boy.

general thoughts character stuff below the Keep Reading. A Lot of rambling below so beware!!

April: 15 years old, trans and bi. local fifteen year old telepath finds out that not everyone is able to feel what other people are feeling, something she’s been able to do since she was six after she played in that one weirdly glowy puddle (early Kraang mutagen attempt that only managed to mutate April in the sense that it gave her telepathy, was originally intended to make humans become part of the Kraang hivemind). she’s largely unfazed by the existence of mutants and aliens, taking it in stride, and finds out about the Kraang - and meets the turtles - while snooping around TCRI business (aspiring journalist that she is) and accidentally witnessing the mutation of Snakeweed. her telepathy, which later as she grows in power alongside the turtles extends to telekinesis and basically possession, is very useful whenever she gets into a scrap since she can predict what moves her opponent will make, thus letting her dodge their blows effectively. personality wise she is a very determined and driven young girl, incredibly curious (and cannot mind her own business, she wants to know all the drama while not having to be part of it... which makes her very fortunate to be a telepath. listen she’s 15 she’s allowed to misuse her powers a little bit. as a treat.), playful, and cheerful, and she’s an extroverted autistic. in her spare time between her studies, she likes to play bass, sing, read, and write. that, and investigating whatever shady business is going on in town, and she makes it very clear to the turtles that even if they weren’t going to deal with the Kraang, she’d continue to try to stop them herself. she would like to not live under the threat of her or her loved ones getting mutated, thank you very much! and, you know, it’s kind of exciting. kind of.

i know it’s bc i have brain issues when it comes to parent figures but i am very much leaning towards Splinter not being... a good dad. i don’t think 2012 Splinter is a good dad anyways but i’d probably amp it up, make him a mix of 2012 and idw probably. i’m still mulling it over but like, remember in the season 1 finale when leo is watching his show and thinks the captain guy making a totally unnecessary sacrifice is a heroic move, and then Splinter tells leo (his fifteen year old child) that leo should know what or who to sacrifice, more or less telling him to sacrifice his brothers’ lives, potentially?? i know there was a lot at stake but hello??? i remember watching it and being like me: ah i see, this is showing that splinter is wrong and there is no need for any sacrifices as seen in the show when the captain Goes Down With His Ship for no reason other than just sacrificing himself, and leo will see that- leo: *tries to sacrifice himself twice in the finale, both times being kind of unnecessary/seemed like if he had just hurried or done something slightly different there would be no need to stay behind, and he gets out fine with no consequences, seemingly no injuries, and does Not learn anything, his brothers don’t even get sad when they think he died or get mad at him for pulling such a dumb move) me: surprised_pikachu.jpeg

like that moment haunts me. has any other splinter told their sons to sacrifice himself or his brothers? has any other splinter put that on them??? idw doesn’t count if he has bc he’s more explicitly supposed to be bad so???

sometimes writers think they’ve made an uncle iroh but they really, really, really haven’t. also his backstory is the same as in the show

anyways. Donatello: 15 years old, bog turtle, nonbinary (he/they, doesn’t mind being called brother but doesn’t like to be called “boy” or “girl” or whatever), bi. he isn’t in love with April. no creepy incel shit here. donnie is instead more like a mix between his Rise and 2003 self. he has trouble expressing himself and is pretty introverted, but he is very altruistic, kind, and compassionate. a lot of his inventions are made to help people and he was driven to learn about science and engineering because he wants to find a way to reverse splinter’s mutation, to give splinter his life and humanity back. he feels like he needs to know if splinter would just abandon them if he wasn’t a huge rat man, needs to know if there’s any part of splinter that blames them for being constant reminders of his mutation. other than that, he also likes to make inventions because he’s a dreamer and wants to experiment to see how much of the unknown he can push beyond. also, the best liar out of the turtles. also fairly good at compromising and prefers to solve conflicts without violence he can get a little... “obnoxious 15 year old genius” at times. even when he’s helpful it can come off as a bit “poor dear isn’t as smart as me”, and while he usually gets along well with Raph, he doesn’t handle Raph’s temper well at all (calls him “Wrathael/Wrath” and thinks he’s being super clever) and gets really dismissive of Raph’s “outbursts”.

Michelangelo: 13 years old, diamondback terrapin, unsure about the gender and sexuality thing but he doesn’t think he’s exactly cis and definitely not straight. a bouncy ball of sunshine and surprising emotional maturity and emotional intelligence! more so than his emotionally constipated brothers, at least. it’s on his thirteenth birthday (it was leo’s idea for them to pick dates that would let them have their own birthdays instead of sharing the “Mutation Day”, Mutation Day being another special “holiday”) that the Plot would be set in motion, as he’s finally allowed to go to the surface same as his brothers, and on this first night out they meet April and the Kraang and other mutants. he is a goof still, but he’s capable in his own right and gets frustrated when people treat him like a baby or an idiot because he’s not. he doesn’t always treat everything with the seriousness it should but like. he’s thirteen, he’s having fun. even so, he’s very insistent of taking responsibility whenever he does do something wrong and gets mad if someone tries to take the blame for something he’s done. definitely the most compassionate and empathetic out of the turtles, he’s quick to make friends and is very persuasive due to his earnest nature and good heart. much like donnie, he prefers to solve conflict without violence but does enjoy knocking skulls a lot more than donnie. unlike donnie, though, he is almost overly forgiving and not petty at all. he’s well aware that his kindness and forgiveness may be taken advantage of, but he still likes to approach people with an open hand, even if he knows that it may end up getting bitten. oh, and his hobbies include drawing, cooking, singing, and dancing. he likes to express himself!

Raphael: 14 years old, mississippi map turtle, trans, bi. all his fury is compressed within his tiny body, that’s why he’s so angry all the time! no, he’s not angry all the time, but he does have a short fuse. he absolutely hates his anger issues which leads to a lot of self-loathing, and a lot of frustration as his family members either don’t take his anger seriously or don’t have the tools to help him with it. he’s the physically strongest out of the bunch and the least agile. he loves animals and plants a lot and keeps a lot of flowers in his room, hoping that he can one day become a gardener. as his idw self, he wants to watch things grow, but no matter what he does he seems to be best at destroying things. he’s also the one most self-conscious about how the human world perceives them, as he greatly fears rejection, and is the first one to see something positive with people getting mutated - namely, that maybe this way mutants will be more well known and finally accepted by society, so he’ll no longer be trapped in the sewer until the end of his days. so yeah, he’s a huge optimist, in truth. also he’s great at knitting - great at creating and taking care of things in general - and there’s no leo and raph rivalry this time around. he can get mad at leo but not really more than he gets with his other brothers.

Casey: 15 years old, nonbinary (they/them), bi. teen vigilante who gets inspired to fight mutants and the big time criminals (no beating up pickpockets or shoplifters or whatever, just the ones that are really hurting people) and gets roped into the turtle fam after meeting raph and becoming unexpected friends (everyone was expecting it, once Casey realized that mutants are people and not weird monsters. well, not all the time, anyways). they struggle a bit in school not because of a lack of trying but a lack of time, as their parents work full time jobs and someone has to take care of casey’s little sister. their parents are very loving, but they only have so much time, so casey takes it upon themselves to take care of their little sister when their parents are busy and/or burned out from work. that, and they run into the classic dilemma of vigilante work clashing with school work. as always, they have a short fuse, they’re pretty cocky, they like beating ass, and they like hockey a whole lot. hockey, vigilante work, school, and taking care of their little sister... yeah, they have a lot on their plate. oh, and making their little inventions like the taser glove and their puck bombs, something that they bond with donnie over.

Leonardo: 17 years old, Central American wood turtle, trans, gay. he doesn’t fall in love with his sister oh my god. ahem. so, leo is raised from the start to be a Leader and has to mature very quickly, learning to be an adult way earlier than he should’ve, and as such he is very stoic and quiet, and doesn’t seem to have any hobbies, instead just doing chores and training almost constantly, and when he’s not doing that he’s reading or sleeping in his free time. he’s incredibly protective of his younger brothers and his other allies/friends, even if he acts distant and detached most of the time, and removes himself from situations where they’re having fun to not be the stick in the mud. he loves his brothers and admires them greatly, believing they could be So Much if the surface world would just accept them, and as a result he tries to be The Soldier so his brothers won’t have to. alas, they still get caught up in the Kraang and Shredder business, which frustrates him internally. he is the best fighter out of the turtles on account of having more years to train (and convincing Splinter to wait a few more years before they got Real training bc Come On Dude They’re Kids) but it’s the Only thing he’s good at, along with stealth and his sharp eyes. he absolutely sucks at talking when it isn’t about a mission or something he can script easily in his head. in his mind, he’s supposed to be more of a weapon than a person, an idea that isn’t exactly encouraged by Splinter... but not exactly discouraged either. his arc would be very paralleled with Karai’s, as they would both learn to hate their dads... also, absolutely down for murder, and a lawful neutral at best, putting his family and friends’ safety above all other things and following a strict personal code. doesn’t care too much for society’s laws, though.

Karai: 16 years old, demigirl, lesbian. same backstory as in the show, she’s born as Miwa but gets taken by Oroku Saki and raised as his daughter. however, she doesn’t exactly want revenge against Hamato Yoshi because she believes that he killed her mother. she never knew her mother, so it’s much more difficult to hate someone for taking her mother away, even if it does mean that she never got to know her mother. especially since her father rarely spoke of what her mother was like, and much more about how much he hates Yoshi. instead, her need for revenge is more for the possibly idyllic life she was robbed of, since she believes that maybe, just maybe, her father Saki would’ve been a kind father that would’ve let her have a normal childhood and not be molded into a warrior from the start if her mother still lived. and hey, maybe Tang Shen would be a nice mom too. being trained in the art of deception, Karai has a tendency to talk a lot and say very little, or at least very little that is true. she is rarely ever sincere and acts as if she’s taking nothing seriously, which is part of her defense mechanism to never let anyone close or see her true self. she mocks pretty much everyone, ally and enemy alike, but especially likes to make fun of her father’s henchmen and is always the first to point out their failures. while she does value honor to some extent, she is a bit “flimsy” when it comes to loyalty, especially after the truth about her father is revealed. when that is revealed, she at first just feels very numb, learning that not only has she been nothing but a tool and a weapon for the Shredder from the very start, but also that the idyllic fantasy where her mother still lived, perhaps her life wouldn’t be so different after all. she looks at leonardo and sees a reflection of herself, that her “real” father chose to train his sons the same way the Shredder trained her. she feels stupid for feeling like she’s been robbed of even a fantasy, but it still enrages her. of course, this also inspires her to stay with the Foot Clan... just to get the kill on Shredder.

... yeah. that got long. ahem. i’m very passionate about this unfortunately!! anyways i might draw/write more for it because no one can stop me and i���m having fun

[fun-with-colors]

2 3 7 10 12 13 14 18 19 20 40 46 50 Quarantine asks? (Sorry if thats too many)

That’s totally fine! Happy to answer questions, haha

I hope you don’t mind if I sometimes take the opportunity to go off on tangents and anecdotes, though. If it comes up. 

Whew, alright. Let’s do this. 

I’m gonna put this under a readmore because it’s probably gonna get long. And because, for once in my life, I am actually on the desktop version of tumblr.

2. Grilled Cheese or PB&J?

Grilled cheese. PB&Js can get soggy more easily, and they can be kind of mushy if you get the ratios wrong. Besides, they’re much more likely to be sticky and messy, and honestly there are very few things I hate more in this world than having my hands or face be sticky. 

3. Background video for when i don’t have anything to watch, but I want Something On?

I really like this youtube series called Citation Needed. Its premise is that it’s kind of like a reverse trivia thing. One guy has a laptop with a wikipedia article up, and he’ll give the other 3 guys only the name of the article, and they have to figure out what the article is about. It’s hilarious, and also informative. Honestly, pretty much anything with Tom Scott is good background stuff, I’ve found. That might just be because he makes videos about computer science and linguistics, though, and those two things are pretty much my favorites.

7. First word as a child (that wasn’t a variation of “mom” or “dad”)?

I’m pretty sure it was “ball.” Boring, I know. 

10. Do you own any signed books/memorabilia in general?

I own a few signed books, but that was mostly just happenstance. The only thing I have that’s special for being signed is a poster for a play I was going to be in. It was cancelled due to the coronavirus, sadly. It’s signed by a lot of the other members of the cast and crew. 

12. What do you get on your bagels? What WOULD you get, if you could get anything?

I alternate between regular cream cheese and strawberry cream cheese. Honestly, I’m intrigued by the idea of a thin layer of cheesecake on top of a proper new york bagel. (though the idea of cheesecake on one of those “it’s just circular bread” bagels sounds horrible)

13. Brunch or midnight snacks?

Why not both? A snack after I wake up, and then a lunch(?) somewhere between 10 am and 3 pm, dinner at about 6:30, and then a midnight snack. 

14. Favorite mug you own?

I’ve got a few that are great. There’s one that looks like a red solo cup, which is awesome. I’ve also got one with a cat on it sitting at a desk with a bunch of papers with complicated graphs on them saying “at one point, this made perfect sense”

18. What’s the one TV show that you’re a little bit embarrassed to watch but you like nonetheless?

Uh... hm. I don’t watch many TV shows. Recently I’ve been binging My Hero Academia, but I don’t think that’s the answer to the question. There isn’t one, really? I used to watch TV shows that I now find kind of embarrassing, but at the time I was smack dab in the middle of the demographic, and I didn’t find them embarrassing at the time. There is a TV show that I was watching a few months ago (but ended up dropping) called Interviews with Monster Girls that definitely fit into this category, though. 

19. That book you were forced to read for class but ended up enjoying?

Hmm. There were a few books that I liked when I read them but have since grown less enthusiastic about, including Lord of the Flies and the Great Gatsby. However, I did really like To Kill a Mockingbird. I actually had to read that twice for school, once in middle school and once in high school. 

20. Do you match your socks?

It depends. I’ve got some socks where I definitely match them, because they’ve got words on them or something, but there are some pairs where I don’t worry about it too much. That said, I absolutely make sure that the socks are the same thickness, the same material, and the same height. Otherwise, it’s unbearable. Basically, since all of my socks are colorful and patterned and from a bunch of different sets, I just make sure the two socks are from the same set. 

And now it’s time for:

SOCKS THAT MY MOM HAS GOTTEN ME OVER THE YEARS:

-a pair that say “Kick this day in it’s sunshiney ass”

-a pair that say “I’m a delicate fucking flower”

-a pair that say “Love you... weirdo”

-a pair that say “These are my cuddly period socks”

-a pair that say “Cats don’t care if you’re crazy”

-my grandmother got me a pair that say “fuck off, I’m reading”

-a pair that say “you say crazy cat lady like it’s a bad thing”

And my personal favorite, 

-a pair that say “Adult in training” (They seem like they’ll always bee too big for me)

Alright, back to the questions

40. Where do you sit in the living room?

Either on the left side of the couch or on one of the two chairs opposite the couch. Mostly the couch. There are only really 3 places to sit in the living room, and I don’t really spend enough time there to have a specific place. Really, the only place where I have a “specific place” is at the kitchen table. 

46. What’s the freezer food you stock up on when you go to the grocery store?

I don’t really have a staple for this. I guess... pasta? Mac and cheese or tortellini? Most of the time I just buy box mac  and cheese and non-frozen tortellini, though. 

50. How are you at climbing trees?

Oh man. I miss the days when I feared neither bugs nor moss nor splinters. I had a reputation as a kid. I could (and would) climb anything. I made a point to climb as high as I could any time I saw a climbable tree, and usually I made it pretty far. I remember one time I was at the park with my friends, and there was this huge pine tree. The branches all started too high up to reach, but there was a chain-link fence right beneath it. I climbed up the fence and into the tree, and then I just kept climbing. I got all the way to the very top. The crows that were sitting up there looked kind of confused. My friends were impressed, though. 

I also used to climb to the top of the chain-link thing behind home base at the baseball diamond at that park too. Though, it was pretty common for me to be yelled at for that. The fence was kind of coming apart from the railing at the very top of the cone-shaped part, and so people got nervous when I went up there and laid on the fencing. Never fell, though. 

I also found a way to get on top of one of the buildings at that park. There was a fence that connected up with the back of the building, and there was also a pipe that went up the side of the building. I realized that by climbing on the fence, I could reach the pipe, and I could climb up the brackets holding it to the wall and onto the roof. Eventually, my mom told me that I had to stop doing that, because it was making other parents nervous and she was tired of explaining that “Yes, I know my child is on the roof. Yes, it’s fine. Yes, she can get back down. No, I’m not concerned.” And she also didn’t want other kids who couldn’t get back down safely to copy me. “Hey, stop, you’re making other parents nervous and I’m tired of having to constantly explain that everything’s fine” was a pretty common thing for me to hear. 

There was also that time that I was at a summer camp, and there was a tree. I went up there with a few of my friends, and we were having a grand old time. Eventually, I found a bouncy branch and decided to bounce on it. One of my friends was like “Hey, uh, are you sure that’s safe? It looks like it might break.” And I said “Yeah, it’s fine! Besides, I’ve got this other branch to hold on to if anything happens, not that it wil”--*SNAP* and then I fell. Luckily, I managed to catch myself on another branch on the way down, so it was more like a 7 foot fall than a 15 foot fall, but still. I was fine, if shaken. However, that led to a limit on how high into that tree we were allowed to climb. 

I was also the one who most commonly ignored that limit. 

So, in summary: Pretty good. 

[queen-scribbles]

Romance asks: #7, 8, 26, 29 for Keme/Jorgan, #1, 11, 20, 25 for Heodi; #9, 14, 30 for Taviloth; and #5, 7, 10, 18, 25, 31 for Ederity!

Keme/Jorgan

7. Favorite date activity?

*cough* Shooting range or gun/ammo shopping. 

8. What are their most prominent memories of each other?

Answering off where we are currently, one of Jorgan’s most prominent memories of Keme is the first time she pushed back against Garza when given a morally questionable order(killing the civvies Krel had maaybe turned into cybernetic bombs). One of Keme’s is their first kiss. She’d been wanting to do that for a looong time, and it was every bit as good as she was anticipating 

26. How important is the romance in your OC’s overall story?

Middling. They’re happy together and make an amazing, kickass team, and reuniting with Jorgan is one of Keme’s driving motivations through all the Zakuul crap(she doesn’t want an “Alliance”, she wants to FIND her DAMN HUSBAND) but they’re wholly developed and well rounded people even without the romance.

They’re basically the embodiment of that “in a fight they’re lethal, around each other they melt” quote and it’s wonderful. 

29. What are your favorite moments that happen between them?

We’re not there quite yet, but I’m super looking forward to the reunion in KotFE ch11. :D (Look, Tim Omundson did a breathtakingly FANTASTIC job with the VA work there, and that is not just my bias speaking. :P It’s so wonderful, makes me grin like an idiot just thinking about it)

Um, the convo where Jorgan says he was wrong about thinking you were too green to lead a squad like Havoc and you’ve been a solid leader. 

The “I’ve been watching your back, alright… and everything else.” convo. The marriage proposal. When Zane gets rude and Jorgan’s quick to make clear he needs to respect you. Oh, and when he gives you the necklace(is that still in the game? I honestly to God can’t remember and I know they cut some convos... it happened for Keme either way).

There are a lot, I could keep going :D

Heodi

1. What drew your character to their LI and vice versa?

Adi thinks Heodan’s sweet and he’s clearly a hard worker, Heodan absolutely loves Adi’s curiosity and how kind she is.

11. Do they have any inside jokes?

Not really. Much as I personally love inside jokes, most of my ships don’t wind up with any

20. Did either person change at all, to be with their partner?

Nah. Kinda the opposite; Heodan’s always the first one to encourage Adi to stay curious whenever she talking about reining it in so people don’t get hurt. Sure, she needs to be risk-conscious, but the solution is not to stifle parts of herself.

25. Share any headcanons about their relationship.

Heodan is the only one other than Adi who can make her tea absolutely right every single time. Kana and Aloth get pretty close, Xoti’s even closer, but Heodan’s the only one who nails it every single time (she jokes that’s part of why she fell in love with him)

There was one time Adi got a teeny bit of a concussion in a fight and wasn’t supposed to read for a couple days as part of recovering, which was ofc torture for her, so she stressed-baked cinnamon blueberry muffins(she has the recipe memorized). Heodan ate, like, half of them bc they were just so good. Adi teased him for a good bit, but she’ll occasionally make a batch that’s just for the two of them now that she knows he likes them so much.

Heodan always keeps a part of the craft hall counter clear bc that’s where Adi sits whenever she comes out to visit him.

As with pretty much every folk/orlan ship, there’s lots of her-standing-on-chairs/counters/a few steps up for kisses

She loves to play with his hair. It’s just shaggy, not super long, so there’s not really anything she can do with it, but there’s just something about running her fingers through it both of them find really soothing.

Most other ones I think are in one of the two Star Rewritten posts I’ve made, though I’m sure there’s something I’m forgetting....

Taviloth

9. How open are they with their feelings?

(after the initial ‘bury my feelings bc there’s no way they’re mutual’ period) Tavi is extremely open, all the time. Aloth is… usually willing to talk if she asks, but sometimes she does have to dig a little. He’s still more open with her than anyone else.

14. Is there anything they associate with each other?

Tavi associates with Aloth–Books, the color blue, tea, the crackly smell of burning ozone.

Aloth associates with Tavi–Swearing, loud laughter, carved wooden figurines, beaten-to-splinters training dummies

30. How does their love change as they get older?

They reach a point where they almost never say the words “I love you” bc it’s been 100+ years, they know. It shifts a lot more to the quality time/physical touch end of the love language spectrum, where they’ll brush hands as they walk past each other, or bump shoulders stuff like that.

Ederity

5. How do they comfort each other when they are sad?

Hugs, cuddling, Edér will crack bad jokes on purpose to make her smile, Charity will plunk Sparrow in his lap bc petting things helps.

7. Favorite date activity?

Snuggling on the couch and talking about their day and whatever else comes to mind.

10. Do they have pet names for each other?

Edér’s pretty much the only one who calls her Char, but other than that it’s just typical couple stuff, I think. (Darling, love, sweetheart etc)

18. Is there any way they disappoint each other?

Not so much “disappoint”, but Edér can be a bit of a ‘leave clothes where I take them off’ slob, which bugs Charity before it bugs him, so that gets on her nerves. And she tends to keep her mouth shut if she disagrees with something  “inconsequential” (i.e. she wants to have something different for dinner, or was looking forward to doing something that’s not happening anymore. Things she sees as not important, whether bc they really are little things or bc there’s nothing that can be done about them, so there’s no point complaining), so Edér has to really really dig to figure out what’s bothering her and she tries to brush it off and he insists and they maybe get a little snippy with each other for a while.

25. Share any headcanons about their relationship.

Charity wears Edér’s shirts a lot when she’s just doing things around the house. Sometimes with pants, sometimes not.

Both are secretly convinced Sparrow likes the other one better.

Charity consistently winds up moving in her sleep so she cuts of the circulation in Edér’s arm. He doesn’t mind; he sleeps like a (snoring)log, so it just means his arm’s asleep when he wakes up, and she’s just so cute.

She’s pretty nmw, but his absolute favorite is when she wears her hair in a messy bun. Charity is amused by this, bc it’s literally her “hair out of my eyes to do house/yardwork” hairstyle that takes no thought whatsoever to do and is never the same twice.

31. Share anything you would like about the couple!

She likes the way his bead tickles when they kiss.

Aside from their wedding, they’ve never seen each other dressed up.

I think they’d be fantastic parents.

The mental image of them sharing giggly-sleepy morning kisses makes my chest ache from the sweetness. Think Jim/Pam or Ben/Leslie on mf steroids.

Writing their stuff is always self-indulgent af and I don’t care. (I’d call it a guilty pleasure ship, but I feel no guilt whatsoever :D)

Romance Asks

[my-words-are-light]

Starflower

Dear friends of mine and followers that know me very well despite the fact I put out barely any content at all will probably be aware of my eternal and undying love for @damedaffodil, a webcomic by @sakura-rose12 that I simply can’t get enough of. I grew up with Sailor Moon so it sits right with me intrinsically but it’s also intelligently written while still being lighthearted and charming.

I’ve thought from time to time about Charo Flores, a shining beacon of optimism and heroism and joy, hanging out with Destiny Pride, a grumpy and snarky bystander who wants nothing to do with anything. So I wrote this crossover to satisfy me. So, without further adieu, I introduce you all to my crossover between the Ngawooin Project and Dame Daffodil!

---

She was not comfortable in a busy city. Going from what was a sleepy town (‘was’, anyway) to here in Birmingham, she was ill prepared for the utter hive of people she was to dwell amongst. She couldn't even go down an alleyway without seeing someone she’d never seen before. Walking through the main roads was like a kaleidoscope of faces she never saw twice.

It felt very weird, and a smidge unnerving; so many people walked to and fro at the shoulder, even in groups, but no one knew or acknowledged each other, or even made a stoic nod of greeting. Maybe the English were reclusive sorts by nature. But she was used to knowing everyone back home, even if only their names. Here, the patterns in the seas of people kept changing and she knew she’d never see one person again.

She decided she should relax more in the apartment before going on a walk. She only just got here today; familiarising herself with the city could wait. Fresh air could only do so much for a high school girl travelling overseas for the first time. So she was on her way back to the apartment, navigating the sea of Englishmen and women as she went.

She found herself fortunate to find a space at a corner where she could sort of isolate herself and get her bearings. As she relaxed, she saw a poster. Big and sturdy, the sort that made you think a hotshot from Hollywood was in town. Must’ve been professionally made.

The poster depicted a girl with flaring orange hair decorated with a striking yellow flower accessory that held a high ponytail in place. The yellow dress followed the flower motif with a petal skirt with orange ruffles underneath and a green bow on the back that looked like a pair of leaves. The flower girl was shooting a beam of light from her hands at some black furry animal, tearing it up like a high pressure hose. Printed at the bottom of the poster with very bold text was THANK YOU, DAME DAFFODIL!

Alright, so... What was Dame Daffodil? It sounded familiar but nothing was coming to her. Was it a play? Some movie? Maybe some local model or something? The poster didn’t have any release dates or studios or... well, anything on it anywhere. Was it...

Okay, bored now. She turned away from the poster but found a girl looking at her. This new girl was a bit shorter, had dark skin, and her short brown hair was tied at the back with a high ponytail held in with a yellow flower hairpin. Quite a contrast from her, with her short blonde hair that fell down around her head and really pale skin. Then there were the stranger’s clothes, a navy blue jumper and sky blue shirt. She’d seen a few other kids her age wearing them; probably the uniform of some high school around here. It’s a shame the clothes were unkempt and messy. Much like the hair, actually. And her eyes were unfocused and red at the edges with bags underneath them.

“Hey,” the schoolgirl greeted. Her voice was like that of a receptionist who started her job bright and eager to help everyone have a pleasant day but wore down with the passage of time, yet still determined to bring joy. “Like the poster?”

She glanced at the poster once more. “It’s a’ight.”

“I think it’s amazing.” The schoolgirl walked up to the poster and looked at it with her heavy eyes. Her smile was weak and tired but it wasn’t forced. Must’ve been a fan, if the hairpin was of any indication. “What do you think of Dame Daffodil?”

“I don’t really know who she is.”

The schoolgirl’s eyes rose as she looked at her. “Really? She’s a superhero around here. She fights monsters and helps...” A yawn interrupted her, “... people.”

“Wait, what?” The tourist blinked a few times, which would’ve helped get the sand out of her eyes if she was dreaming. “A superhero? Like, a bona fide, fair dinkum superhero? Powers and all?”

“I dunno what fair dinkum means but, no joke, she’s the real deal. She basically protects the city.”

Wait a minute, she had heard about Dame Daffodil once before...

“Hey, did you hear about in England?” Penny asked her, spinning her art stylus idly.

“Mm.” She herself was content to rest on her arms crossed on the table.

“There’s a superhero now. Some girl called Dame Daffodil.”

“Mm.”

“Fires laser beams. Also really upbeat. She’s like a TV show presenter for kids except she’s cooler than that.”

“Mm.”

“Long night?”

“Mhm.”

“Alright, I’ll leave ya.”

Probably should’ve paid more attention. “Huh. Well, I just got here. I don’t know much.”

“Oh. I was wondering if I ever saw you before. Are you a tourist?”

“Nah, on holidays with the family.”

“Well I hope you have fun here.” The schoolgirl showed her teeth as she donned a smile. Kind of forced but she was definitely trying to be nice. “I’m Charo. You?”

Oh struth, the most dreaded part of meeting new people: introductions and sharing names. “Uh...” Ugh, she hated this part. “... Destiny.”

“Huh?”

“My name,” such as it was, “is Destiny.”

Destiny could see a gear stop in Charo’s head. Well, one more than those that had already stopped. Maybe Charo could stand to get a few winks too.

“Destiny?” Charo said, either as a question to Destiny, herself, or perhaps a cruel God.

“Yeah. Destiny.” Her shoulders slumped. “Parents, huh?”

The footsteps around them were so much clearer and distinct with the new quiet.

Remarkably, though, Charo didn’t blink. She beamed. “That is so cool...!”

Okay, that was new for Destiny. The top two usual reactions for her were pity and incredulity. Sparkly-eyed excitement was a completely new experience for her. It was kind of nice but it was more kind of weird.

“Oh, sorry.” Charo proceeded to stop being awe-struck. “I gotta go. Just remembered I’m visiting a friend... See you later.” With a parting wave, Charo turned and walked away.

“Bye,” muttered Destiny as she half-heartedly waved back. “Don’t trip on the way.”

That wasn’t the worst first encounter she could’ve had in this new country. She was kind of weird but kind all the same. Too bad they ended on Charo knowing her name but at least she thought it was cool. She couldn’t imagine anyone else being like that.

Wait, where was she going again? Oh yeah, home. Anyway, it was either—

BOOM!

Destiny whipped around as an explosion burst from a ways behind her. She couldn’t feel any aftershocks but it was definitely loud. What was that? A meteor? A bomb? Those never happened back in her hometown; the only big problems were...

Wait...

Oh no. This was bad. Someone was in danger.

---

Destiny didn’t stop sprinting until she reached a lamp post on the corner of the road where all the commotion was. Only then did she collapse against and wrap her arms around it, taking deep breath after deep breath to try and ease the burning in her ribs. At least she got much farther than she did in last year’s beep test.

It took a moment but her torso stopped feeling so much like it was burning that it would keep her from moving. She lifted her head to the intersection ahead. Only a bit more to go. She put one foot in front of the other, breathing cyclically as she went to ease the burden on her lungs, until she reached the corner. She peered around it to survey the damage...

There was a black dragon.

No joke, there was a real dragon. In the middle of the street, in a deep crater that splintered into fissures that reached the sidewalks, battered cars, shattered windows, and topped streetlights, was an honest to goodness, to scale, living and breathing dragon.

Sort of. Maybe.

It definitely had the silhouette of a European dragon. Long snout and neck? Check. Four clawed legs? Check. Two massive wings? Checkity. Tail? Checking check. But it was in the details how the dragon was just kind of... wrong. Its body was covered not in scales or a leather hide but some kind of furry black moss. Its wings reminded her of flower petals. The two horns growing out of the back of its head looked like stalks and the fangs and claws resembled thorns. The tip of its tail, weirdest of all, looked like a budding flower.

A closer look would probably clear up a lot of details but Destiny was not one to get herself in harm’s way for curiosity’s sake. The same could not be said for the citizens around her, as it turned out; from the corner behind which she hid, she saw folks out in the open taking pictures of the thing with their phones. All their survival instincts taught them to do was to keep their distance a bit. Given three wishes, Destiny would wish for the bystanders to rack off, decent Internet for home, and a tray of Tim Tams.

Actually, she could just use the first wish to get the dragon to go away.

Speaking of, the big brute had yet to attack anyone. Actually, it had yet to even move from its crater. It stood right in the middle as it surveyed the crowd. She could hear a low growl coming from the thing; it was probably wary of everyone, ready to strike at the first sod that tried any funny business. So was it being defensive or...? What’s going on here?

The crowd itself got caught up in the speculation, murmuring to each other.

“Oh God, I’m actually looking at one...”

“Did it just fall from the sky?”

“My car!”

“If that damn glare would get lost...”

“I’d love one as a pet.”

“Where’s Dame Daffodil?”

That last one was said quite a few times. So Dame Daffodil was really real, as were the monsters on that poster. She should’ve gotten the hint after Penny and that girl she met—Charo, that was her name—told her about the hero but an impartial bystander saying her name gave it that impersonal quality that assured her she wasn’t nuts and talking to imaginary friends. Not that superheroes were hard to digest but you never know.

Damn it, though, she just wished everyone would go away. The dragon was only growling in a warning manner but that could change in an instant. Why was it even here? It wasn’t attacking so what’s the dea—

A warm yellow glow came in through the air and landed in the middle of the street like a heavy flower petal. It was a human—no, a superhuman. The dragon directed its now dangerous snarling at her as she stood up. She was a bit shorter than Destiny. She had a green leafy waist bow. She had a yellow dress. Her hair was messy and orange and long with a ponytail held in by a daffodil accessory. No prizes for guessing who she was.

Dame Daffodil turned around and waved at the bystanders. “Hey...!” she called, not quite putting her all into it because of fatigue but she was putting in as much as she can. “Is everyone okay?”

“DAME DAFFODIL!” cheered what sounded like the entire country condensed to a single street with all the enthusiasm of a bunch of fireworks getting married.

The local superhero wore her biggest possible grin and waved at those gathered. Many of them thrust their phones higher and forward to catch her image.

Destiny, on the other hand, stood frozen at her corner. Of course she recognised Dame Daffodil. The shocking part was how she recognised her more as Charo, who she encountered only minutes ago.

How did she not put two and two together before? She was right next to the poster. One simple comparison of their faces and boom, she could tell Charo was the very superhero she herself admired in a sort of narcissistic way. Yet it never crossed her mind. Why? Well, she supposed Dame Daffodil’s face on the poster was kind of fuzzy and hard to focus on for some reason. In the flesh, Dame Daffodil had something a bit... weird... going on with her face and Destiny recognised her just fine. Was this because of the poster? Maybe cameras only saw the fuzz like a regular would and carried that across...

Oh whatever. She could figure it out later if she was still interested.

“Everyone, please get away from here!” called Dame Daffodil after the spectators had finally settled down. “It’s dangerous! Please get to safety!”

The blaring of sirens followed right after as a couple of police cars arrived, bringing with them four men. “You heard her!” they shouted into megaphones. “Evacuate immediately for your own safety!”

Finally, the civilians left. Or some of them, anyway. Destiny would bet her toy collection that some of them were staying behind after pretending to leave.

She could probably go too, really. She ducked back and turned down an alleyway. Here’s hoping Dame Daffodil could deal with that dragon in her state...

---

The hero looked at the dragon cautiously. She regarded it not as a monster but as a dangerous but ultimately innocent animal, like an angry dog. It was a bit nerve-wracking how the dragon looked so annoyed at her but she kept it together. “Easy, easy...” she said softly. “I’m not going to hurt you...”

But the dragon was not easing up. Its nostrils flared and its brow furrowed as Dame Daffodil spoke. It growled at her and bared its thorny teeth.

“It’s okay...” Dame Daffodil continued, even if she was a bit anxious. She took another step forward...

And the dragon stood on its back legs and roared to the sky with such ferocity that the superhero had to back away while covering her ears.

“Uh oh,” she said.

The dragon threw its head down and blasted a cyclonic stream of what looked like glowing green pollen at her. It was as wide as a single line and faster than a speeding car; a regular human would have to be lucky to dodge it only partly.

Fortunately, Dame Daffodil was no regular human reliant on luck; her baggy eyes portrayed a false weakness as she used her super speed to spring onto a wall and then jump off to leap back over the street, which was now stained down the middle with an acidic green. Even the asphalt was smoking. At least she evaded it in its entirety.

The dragon began to raise its head to her airborne body, the lines of its mouth starting to glow green.

“No...!” Dame Daffodil thrust her palms out together and light coalesced in between them before she fired it as a bright beam.

The attack struck the top of the dragon’s snout with an earth-shaking boom as the pollen breath spewed out, now pointed at the dragon’s feet. Smoke burst from the laser’s impact and obscured the monster and the street from view. Pollen continued to kick up at the ground for a few more seconds, whirling at the base of the smoke.

Dame Daffodil landed on her feet in the middle of the road. She looked at the pollen breath as it continued to spill out even after the dragon was blasted on the face. “It’s tough. I’ll need to hit it more than once.”

With a roar, the dragon beat its wings and dispersed the smoke. Even if it was covered in black moss, it was easy to tell the face was burned rather savagely. Same went for its front feet that endured its breath. Yet, for all the damage, it looked even more ready for a fight. It kept its glare focused on Dame Daffodil as it growled.

Dame Daffodil groaned. “I wish things would be easy for once these days…”

The dragon roared and lunged towards her in a single bound with its front feet raised. Dame Daffodil quickly bounced to the side as the dragon’s claws slammed into the spot where she just was, shattering it like a plate.

Dame Daffodil rolled as she landed and righted herself with one hand braced against the road (bare skin against asphalt and pavement hurt, by the way, especially when a dragon just puked magic acid pollen on it) while she aimed the other at the dragon. A one-handed laser was less than half as strong as a two-handed one but it was faster to aim and fire.

But not fast enough, sadly. The dragon followed up its attack immediately with a swing of its tail, which she only caught from the corner of her eye, and she hurried to duck and roll under it. She raised her head to get her bearings again but she noticed the dragon’s other immediate follow-up in the form of it opening its glowing mouth.

“Oh come on...!” she grunted, bouncing away right before another stream of pollen could engulf her. Finally, she was out of range of its melee attacks. She quickly turned and fired another one-handed laser, which she knew the dragon was too large and slow to dodge, and scored an impact. Although the blast was smaller, there was enough smoke produced for her to use as a smokescreen while she put more distance between herself and the dragon.

But she didn’t get far before the smoke cleared and she saw, to her dismay, that the dragon blocked the blast with its wing curled around its body.

“What does it take to hurt you?!” Dame Daffodil shouted.

The dragon rotated its head ninety degrees and lunged forward with an open maw. With an upper jaw to the left and a lower jaw to the right, Dame Daffodil’s instincts drove her to backflip into the air.

One vertical rotation later, her eyes were in position to see the dragon’s mouth glow green once more.

It was going to fire.

She was stuck in the air.

She couldn’t dodge.

She desperately pushed her hands together. The light was barely forming in her palms as the stream of pollen rushed her way. It still wasn’t ready to fire as the stream got close enough for her to feel how hot it wa—

Something slammed into her side and caught her and... carried her off? One second, she was about to bathe in dragon not-fire. The next, she was being carried while the stream rushed by above and behind her. What saved her with super speed rivalling her own?

She looked up and her breath caught in her throat. A blue bodysuit, glinting with stars like a brilliant night sky. Long, sparkling silver hair. A transparent blue visor. A pink skirt glimmering like a nebula. And she could never overlook the thin steel gauntlets that held her carefully, as grey as the rest of the hero’s armour that covered her torso and feet.

The new hero smiled at her. “Never thought I’d be saving you, Dame Daffodil.”

Dame Daffodil’s energy had been in tremendous decline that day. It was a miracle she could make herself go out with how much she needed rest she wasn’t getting. And yet, seeing the hero she never thought she’d meet holding her in her arms brought her to life. “YOU’RE SAVERSTAR!” she yelled, beaming.

“Saverstar...?” murmured the voice of a civilian that didn’t have the sense to run away when he was asked.

“Isn’t she from Australia...?” asked another one.

“Four of them now?”

“Here? In England?!”

“Saverstar?!”

As Saverstar lifted her head, she saw the citizens moving out of hiding to get a closer look at the new arrival. Their astonished murmurs died as their breaths were taken away from their eyes confirming the amazing; Saverstar was here in the flesh in England.

The civilians, unsurprisingly, started shouting.

“Saverstar!”

“Oh my God!”

“She’s actually here!”

“WE LOVE YOU, SAVERSTAR!”

First things first, Saverstar placed Dame Daffodil back on the ground. With her arms free, she stood up straight and waved to the forming crowd that hollered and waved back.

“Alright, that’s ENOUGH!” she shouted as she stopped waving, and it was great that the crowd acknowledged her by being quiet. “In case you haven’t noticed, there’s a DRAGON here! We’ll take care of it! Now, as Dame Daffodil said, BUGGER OFF!”

Everyone in the crowd yelped before turning around and running.

Dame Daffodil chuckled. “I wish they’d listen to me when I said that.”

“I’ll give you tips after this,” said Saverstar as she turned to face the dragon. All things considered, it was rather patient to just sit there while she introduced herself. That said, it was a lot more agitated now than when it was just Dame Daffodil; its eyes quivered and shook as it beheld her. Was it just measuring her as a threat?

Saverstar held her left hand out in front of her. Small glimmers of light sparkled one after the other in the air, getting faster and faster, as they coalesced and came together in her hand. In a flash, the lights became one and formed into a stringless bow that looked like it was made from diamond. The dragon reared back, provoked by the bow’s appearance.

She placed her right fingers on the grip of her bow and pulled back. An arrow of light appeared with the action, shaking with energy just aching to be unleashed on her target.

The dragon’s mouth glowed green before it fired a stream of pollen at the aiming archer and Dame Daffodil. Both magical girls jumped out of the way in opposite directions. Saverstar still had her magic arrow nocked and fired it into the dragon mid-leap.

The arrow of light shot right through the dragon… and it had no effect, aside from a slight shudder. All Saverstar had to show for her efforts was a slightly peeved dragon that took the moment to roar at her.

“Look out!” cried Dame Daffodil as she fired a double-handed laser that landed directly on the side of the dragon’s head. It kicked up plenty of smoke as usual, obscuring the heroes from the dragon’s view as Dame Daffodil raced to Saverstar’s side. “Are you okay? The arrow didn’t do anything!”

A faint green glow shone through the smoke. Saverstar and Dame Daffodil immediately recognised the danger and jumped out of the way as a pollen stream shot out of the smoke. The breath expelling the pollen dispersed the smoke, making the dragon visible.

“I didn’t expect it to do anything,” said Saverstar. She grabbed the end of her bow’s limb with both hands, holding it like a club. “The arrow doesn’t do damage; all it does is exorcise possessed people. If that dragon’s not possessed, the arrow won’t do anything.”

Not that she cared. The enemies of Dame Daffodil weren’t like hers back in Ngawooin; back home, the monsters were possessed townspeople wracked with grief and needed counselling on top of a beatdown. But here? They were just monsters. All she needed to do was crush them.

Dame Daffodil looked at Saverstar with concern. “Then what do you do?”

The dragon pounced towards the two heroes. Both of them stepped back before the dragon landed right where they used to be, breaking the ground with the force. Dame Daffodil’s footing shook but Saverstar still stood.

“I’ve got more than one string to my bow!” shouted Saverstar, bludgeoning the side of the dragon’s head with her weapon, eliciting a pained cry from the creature. The dragon swiped at her with a claw only for Saverstar to evade it by flashing away down the road with her super speed. Dame Daffodil joined her at the same time.

With a bit of distance between them and the dragon, they took a moment to catch their breath.

The dragon regained its bearings as well. It glared at them, snarling, and then it spread its wings wide and roared at them more viciously than ever before.

Dame Daffodil and Saverstar sped towards the dragon head-on. When they got right in front of it, they split off to either side. The two heroes jumped from road to wall, from building to building, and back to the dragon, attacking with laser after club after laser after club, alternating between the two and speeding away.

Try as it might, the dragon couldn’t keep up with them both. It lunged at Saverstar with tooth and claw, only to miss and be distracted from Dame Daffodil’s two-handed lasers taking the moment to strike it. It blocked Dame Daffodil’s lasers with its wings and whipped at her with its tail, only to be completely exposed when Saverstar ran right into it with kicks, punches, or bow clubbings.

Saverstar appeared in front of the dragon, leaping forward and kicking down at the dragon’s snout. She leapt over the dragon’s back… and the dragon promptly clapped the back of its wings against Saverstar. She raised her hands to push against the wings but that only trapped her right behind the dragon, which lifted its tail and whipped her, knocking her down to the road in front of the dragon.

The dragon’s mouth began to glow green.

Dame Daffodil appeared in a flash in front of Saverstar, pushing her palms together and building up energy between them.

The dragon unleashed a stream of pollen at the exact same time Dame Daffodil fired her two-handed laser. The laser split the stream, the pollen rushing harmlessly beyond Dame Daffodil and Saverstar on both sides, and shot right into the dragon’s maw with an explosion.

The smoke cloud was enormous. Dame Daffodil and Saverstar nervously stepped back in defensive stances, wary of a surprise attack.

But the smoke wasn’t dispersed by the dragon’s actions; it dissipated on its own, revealing the dragon slumped on the road, its face viciously burned and damaged and lying in a puddle of its own acidic pollen.

There was no mistaking it. It was down and out.

“WooHOO!” cheered Dame Daffodil, pumping her fist in the air. “We did it! We finally beat…”

Her enthusiasm drained rapidly from fatigue and her legs gave out.

“Oi, careful!” Saverstar caught her as she fell. “Gotta get home before you sleep.”

Dame Daffodil chuckled with what little energy she had. Her baggy eyes looked at Saverstar with appreciation and tired triumph. “Right, right… But I need to take care of the dragon once and for all, first. Just one more attack should do it.”

“Alright, just take it easy.” Saverstar helped her to her feet and walked with her to the lying dragon.

Dame Daffodil broke away from Saverstar and stood in front of their fallen foe. It didn’t twitch in the slightest; it wasn’t getting back up with a surprise attack.

She pressed her hands together to gather energy. She took more time to gather more energy for a laser larger than those before, something that would annihilate the animal.

She fired her final laser. It created a dust cloud big enough to engulf the entire street and both Saverstar and Dame Daffodil. It lingered for a long half minute before it dispersed.

The dragon was completely gone. From the scorched black road where its body once lied, a dark flower with six wrinkled petals and a light centre bloomed. It was hauntingly beautiful but uncomfortable to look at.

“Finally,” grunted Dame Daffodil rubbing the back of her head.

With a shake of her hand, Saverstar vanished her bow in a flash of light.

“YEAH! GO DAME DAFFODIL!” cheered a bystander from the side of the road.

More citizens gathered and cheered with congratulations for Dame Daffodil and quite a few for Saverstar as well. The crowd was electric with enthusiasm, probably due to the new hero on the scene all the way from Australia.

As exhausted as she was, Dame Daffodil smiled and waved at the crowd. “Thanks guys but I really gotta go…”

“Excuse me…! Pardon…!” muttered a man with a microphone as he pushed his way through the crowd, followed by a man carrying a camera. A field news team, no doubt.

Saverstar frowned. Dame Daffodil needed rest more than she needed an interview (and Saverstar just plain wasn’t in the mood). She ran to Dame Daffodil’s side. “Don’t suppose you want to hop it out of here?”

“Don’t you know it…!” Dame Daffodil nodded.

“Alright then.” With a roll of her neck, Saverstar picked up Dame Daffodil like she was a bride. “Buckle up.”

“What—Wait!”

But Saverstar didn’t wait for the surprised Dame Daffodil; in a flash of blue, she took off running across the city, far away from the happy fans and reporters.

---

The two of them stopped in one of the many alleyways of Birmingham. No prying eyes or curious sorts to follow them in here. They’d be safe to take a breather, even if just for a moment.

The exhausted Dame Daffodil slumped against the wall and slid down to the ground. Not the most hygienic place for that but it worked. “Whew… Jeez, I was lucky you came around today. Best luck I’ve had these last two months.”

“Looked like it,” said Saverstar. “You really look out of it.”

Dame Daffodil nodded. “It’s been rough. Monsters have been appearing more often than ever before and I’m having a hard time keeping up.”

“Well it’s good that I’m here then. I’m happy to help.” Saverstar took a moment to think and recollect. “… You’re Charo, right?”

Dame Daffodil froze. She looked at Saverstar with wide, fearful eyes. “Uh, what makes you think—”

Yeah, that was coming on a bit strong. Saverstar took that moment to detransform. Her brilliant and shining form dimmed as her hair went from long and silver to short and blonde. Her visor, bodysuit, armour, skirt, gauntlets, and greaves all vanished, leaving her in just her civilian getup.

She smiled at Dame Daffodil. “My full name’s Destiny Pride. So now we both have a secret to share.”

[manifestoonmoralmanlove]

Soulless Riffing: Brainless Ch.13

I got a supernatural action/romance book series as a gift that’s just riddled with stuff that I hate….and as a steampunk Victorian London action romance story filled with werewolves and vampires…it’s yeah gonna be easy to poke fun at.

I just want to say, it’s totally cool if you like this story or ones like it!  It’s certainly a better caliber than a lot of what I make fun of…however…I can’t help but want to make fun of it.

Over here for the 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7+8, 9, 10+11, and 12.

AAAAAAAA FUCK IT HERE GOES!

Chapter 13

You know? The only tolerable parts of this story are the plot and action.  I’m sorry to say that this chapter is like all action and plot but it’s still a clusterfuck made out of dogshit.

HERE GOES!

Doctor Deathbreath is happy Alexia’s power works.  He uses the zombie to rip the two apart.  Before he’s able to Lord Maccon stabs it with the glass she hid in her titties but it does nothing. With the two apart Lord Maccon starts changing back into a werewolf.

They’re all SURPRISED it happened so fast. The author is like “She told them it’d take an hour to transform him out so they must have assumed it would take that long to untransform.”

But like…excuse you book. All these scientists may be too dumb to lie, but after telling a woman they’re planning on killing her, they don’t think she’d lie to give herself an advantage?

So Genocidal Gary just sics a bunch of dudes on the werewolf and marches out of there with Alexia. Alexia has the brilliant idea to stab herself with the glass shard in the zombie, to leave a blood trail for Lord Maccon to follow.  She doesn’t YANNO try to stab the zombie some more, or cut a piece of him open and try to get at the gears in him, or even HANG ON TO THE GLASS SHARD. She just stabs herself.

(Alexia shrugging with the tagline “Guess I’ll die”)

She’s taken to a SCIENCE room.  In this room they have a bunch of scientist with Lord Akeldama hooked up to a machine that’s pumping his blood out into some rando in hopes it’ll make rando an extra good vampire cause Akeldama is extra old.

How could this experiment illuminate how to kill Vampires easier?

SHHH SHHH STOP THINKING SHHHHH SHHH SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

She SO BRAVELY calls them philistines for torturing her friend.

FUCKING PHILISTINES?

1.)   It’s impossible to use the insult without sounding like a pretentious toff.

2.)   It means someone who doesn’t appreciate culture and art.  So that’s the worse fucking thing you could think of? NOW REALLY? AUTHOR, USING THIS WORD ONLY MAKES YOU SEEM SMART TO OTHER DUMMIES! MY LOCAL SCHOOL DISTRICT CURRICULUM TEACHES THIS WORD TO FUCKIN’ 12 YEAR OLDS YOU’RE NOT FUCKING SMART!

They talk some nonsense science and then Alexia really has her MOMENT! YANNO! SUCH A GOOD MOMENT!

She says it isn’t the vampires and werewolves that are the monsters, REAL MONSTERS ARE THE SCIENTISTS!

(Hugh Laurie(?) sighing, rolling his eyes, and tilting his head bag in an exaggerated UGH fashion.)

So Prejudiced Pete slaps her, and I TELL YOU WHAT, I THINK I WOULD TOO!  YOU SPEND ALL EVENING COMING UP WITH THAT ONE, HUH ALEXIA? GOOD FUCKING JOB!

Also you didn’t fucking earn this! The entire last chapter you just played grab ass.  In fact, you basically played grab ass this entire book. The last thing you were going to do to stop this genocide was consult with a guy YOU ALREADY CONSULTED with but you got derailed to TALK ABOUT HOW YOU’RE TRYING TO GRAB THAT ASS!

Now you wanna come in here with almost no work to discover/fight these fucking dimwits with a big self-righteous speech about how these painfully evil scientists turn out are painfully evil scientists?

GO FUCK YOURSELF!

So they shock the body full of vampire blood, and it starts to move. Okay sure. Sir. DumDum Stupidbega asks if the vampire has any blood left, and the other scientist is like

IDK

I don’t think these are fucking scientists, I think all these people are those fucking zombies.  I know they’re supposed to be so evil they kill on a whim, but they take all these great resources and just fucking piss them away.  

BUT LET ME GIVE YOU A WRITING FUCKING HOT TIP HERE:

VILLAINS ARE BEST AND SCARIEST IF THEY’RE ACTUALLY GOOD AT THE EVIL SHIT THEY DO!

Alexia is SURPRISINGLY still alive, so they strap her to a machine to drain all her blood, which is umm probably going to kill her.  They took an antidote and it poured down the drain, but it has miraculously spat back out the drain but also now it’s in a cute mug, and it’s warm, and it tastes like quality Earl Grey Tea.  So they take that mug of warm, revitalizing antidote and throw it against the wall.

EVERYONE IS THIS STORY IS SO FUCKING STUPID AND I’M DONE READY TO DIE!

Before they can start the machine a couple of dudes come in with a wrapped up body, and turns out one of those dudes is MacDougall.  MacDougall is again AGHAST at how they’re treating Alexia and tries to convince BloodHappy Moroniwitiz to try actual science but of course that’s poo-poo’d. They’re about to drain her blood, and MacDougall looks away.

SUDDENLY Alexia starts using a lot of words to describe him as fat and has the line, “Poor thing, … It must be hard to be so weak all the time.”

I know I have a wet spot for MacDougall but…I’m not sure why she wasn’t this upset when he let her get literally thrown to a wolf, or what she’s exactly expecting him to do?  Punch the bad guy and try to undo her restraints just for the 3 other scientists and zombie to drag him away?

I mean I can see her acting out in anger cause she’s frightened, that’s understandable. But like the text clearly wants us to paint this dude as bad for not first getting the shit kicked out of himself for it to not help at all.

Like author? Can we maybe paint this dude as bad because he’s sympathetic toward nazi stand-ins?  

I was hoping he was just a yandere, or kicked puppies. I can forgive myself for fucking one of those? But a centrist!? Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesh.  

However just as they’re about to suck that sweet blood the door starts a pounding and it’s obviously Macaronawolf.

Scabby Prick Jizzums says the doors will hold even though it starts splintering right away. My boy, apparently the steel door meant for werewolves couldn’t hold him? BUT OK!

He bursts in, horribly maims the no-name scientists and begins to fight the zombie. NOW THAT’S A REAL MAN! I’M DEFINITELY WET AT THE IDEA OF MY FELLA RIPPING OPEN THE GUTS OF DICKISH BUT DEFENSELESS SCIENTISTS AND SMEARING THEIR HOT ENTRAILS ALL OVER THE FLOOR!

I don’t know about you folks out there but if I was given the choice between a man who lets you die, and a man who will kill you. I’d rather him puss out than fear AT ANY POINT that he may be violent toward me.

But perhaps….

(Natalie Wyn, perfection herself, saying in a mythical fashion, “I’m not like other girls.”)

Alexia shouts at MacDougall to free her during this, and it takes her saying it twice before he does so. So he’s a total coward, and not yanno briefly paralyzed with fear watching a wolf monster disembowel 3 people.

The fight is getting intense the body pumped full of Akeldama’s blood wakes up and attacks MacDougall.

I love how they strap down the vampire with no blood left but don’t strap down the newly born vampire. That seems good and smart and good.

Buttstank Demondip uses Alexia as a shield to escape and the zombie is about to choke out Maccon.  

All this action is not written well.

Lord Akeldama wakes up just in time in order to tell Alexia to wipe at the numbers on the zombie’s head. She’s able to get one of the Roman numerals so it STILL functions but barely, thus freeing Maczoom to eat Alexia. However she’s able to hug his neck and bring him back to his human state.

The two of them dramatically make-out for a bit.  Which like, is fine, but I can’t help feeling as if they didn’t earn this either.  I feel like this is much more cathartic when the two haven’t seen each other in a long-while and we’re both fighting and working a lot and FINALLY they get to see each other again and WOWZERS what a relief that is.  However they were making out just like what a half an hour ago?

Whatever.

Meanwhile MacDougall is fighting for his life against a vampire but yanno that’s fine.  He deserves it because he was paralyzed with fear for a moment.  So he can wait a moment while his crush makes out with a man who graphically murdered a bunch of people and it’s only luck that he didn’t do the same to him and her.

Eventually Lord Smackaroon punches the vampire out, and releases Akeldama from his restraints.  Akeldama makes a remark about how lucky Alexia is cause Maccon’s got that big old ding dong.  And honestly? With how lame this story is they should have just gone with the dumb as hell reference of, “MY! What a big Willy you have!”

Maccon offers for Akeldama to bite him since he needs his strength back….but like there’s literally 3 dead bodies on the floor, and the vampire that has HIS blood is flopped right over there.  But before we can come to an agreement, the zombie suddenly starts working again and starts to strangle Maccon.

The author even writes, “the automaton…was trying to fulfill the last order given to it: to kill Lord Maccon. This time, with the earl in human form, it stood a fairly good chance of succeeding.”

I’m sorry but this is really pathetic.  This is essential the author saying, “Okay I did wrap up most of this action and it’s very low stakes at this point BUT TENSION? HUH? YOU SHOULD FEEL TENSE!”

She really should have ended this chapter sooner on a better cliff-hanger. But WELP! 

Say something Nice Faps:

Fuck man I don’t have a lot to say here, this just sucks a big one.  I mean, it is a dramatic climax?

[forisobel]

REVISITING HARRY POTTER, PART ONE .  .  .

harry potter was a staple for my childhood. beit through the books or movies, i excited at the prospect of following young harry through out his adventures at hogwarts. i’ve been to the harry potter studios in london twice now and display the full collection of books and movies on my shelves, each organised delicately in order. i saw fantastic beasts in cinemas and was mildly confused before being well and truly disgusted watching the most recent crimes of grindelwald. over the past few weeks i have been troubled by one question, how did we get here?

so today we’re jumping in the way way back machine and riding it all the way to 2001, and the release of harry potter and the philosopher’s stone.

my memories of this movie going into it were about as good as my own eleventh birthday, hazy and out of reach. this had frustrated me because it wasn’t the kind of film that was sitting, collecting dust, on my shelf. i would often throw it on in the background while i was doing any number of mind numbing tasks. i could only recall the feeling of great nostalgia that came with it; i was a child again, watching from the living room floor. i could tell you nothing of the intricacies of it’s film making.

over the past twenty-two years, the harry potter franchise has grown, and in some respects metastasised, into a money making machine. the eight movies alone generated over 7 billion u.s. dollars, with harry potter and the deathly hallows, part two contributing to 1.3 billion of that. in the wake of the train wreck that was the crimes of grindelwald, i began to think about how the series managed to devolve to that point. that was when i realised i could recall nothing about the franchise as an object. i could tell you the full, expansive plot of each movie, but i couldn’t comment critically on those movies objectively.

before continuing, i would just like to make clear that there is nothing wrong with liking a movie franchise or a television series purely for nostalgia. all i am doing here is looking at each harry potter film objectively and asking the question how did we get to here?

i’m going to take a wild guess and say most people here know the plot of harry potter and the philosopher’s stone, but going to give you the run down anyway. just in case you need a lil refresher.

an orphan named harry potter learns on his eleventh birthday that he is the son of martyr witch and wizard, lily and james potter. he is invited to attend the highly esteemed english boarding school for wizards, hogwarts, where he forms close friendships with two of his classmates, ron and hermoine. with the help of his new friends, harry seeks to uncover the illusive truth behind his parents’ untimely deaths.

the film was released in 2001 and cost 130 million u.s. dolla dolla to make. it was directed by chris columbus, an american filmmaker. columbus was already well established in the film industry, having directed home alone, and would go on to direct the next two harry potter films. clearly he’s having a bit of a mid-life crisis right now, as his recent projects include the 2015 film pixels. that’s a yikes for him.

i’ve watched the philosopher's stone a few times this week and have managed to cobble together all of my thoughts and comments into one handy list.

the score was phenomenal . . .

kicking things off with an obvious one, i can’t believe i never comprehended how good the score for this movie. the opening track the most recogniseable, however, the whole viewing experience is enhanced by the score running throughout. i am full on willing to proclaim john williams as a god of film scores.

harry was one scary boi . . .

in one of the first scenes of the film, harry and the dursleys go to a zoo to celebrate dudley’s birthday. while there, harry discovers he can talk to snakes and accidentally imprisons his cousin in the snake’s enclosure. this does not faze harry at all, unaware at this time that he is a wizard, and laughs as he watches his aunt and cousin in a state of panic. okay, harry...sadist. this happens again as he watches his cousin grow a pig tail. later on, during a flying lesson, harry threatens to knock malfoy off his broom. like, calm the fuck down, harry! fucking believe you. harry was actually kind of sinister in the first act. like damn.

what was some of that acting ? ? ?

one of the reasons why i wanted to revisit this series was that i have a bit of a pet peeve when it comes to child actors in media. i sometimes forget how heavily the harry potter series actually rides on child actors, being that i was watching the movie at the same age of the actors. now, i am not maligning radcliffe, watson or grint at all, but what was some of that line delivery, lads? the acting was definitely not bad but some parts just felt awkward and forced. i don’t know, maybe it’s just me, but sometimes i felt a little weird watching little forced interactions. maybe it just adds to the charm!

hagrid can make one quick get away . . .

as hagrid and harry make their way through the train station, harry is distracted by his ticket. when he looks up to ask hagrid about the platform, hagrid is gone. where the fuck did hagrid go? either he had to apparate, which he ain’t allowed to do, not to mention harry would have heard him do that, or he had to run away. is hagrid the richard kuklinski of the wizarding world or am i missing something?

hermoine practices magic underage . . .

now, it has been a while since i’ve watched the whole series, but i am pretty sure hermoine shouldn’t be perfecting basic spells at home. like, what’s the story there, j.k. rowling?

wtf is professor flitwick  ? ? ?

this was the first time i noticed all of the prosthetics on professor flitwick’s face. nightmare fuel, lads, i am telling you!

harry is a pot stirrer . . .

i think we’re going to need another feather here, professor. shut the fuck up, harry! no one wanted your imput. i think she heard you. you don’t say! nobody asked you, drama queen. quit stirring the pot. jeez.

wizards are immune to splinters . . .

so you’re telling me that hemoine can be pelted with broken pieces of wood and harry and ron can pick up said pieces of wood and throw them with force and not get any splinters? i think not.

what is harry doing during that first match ? ? ?

during the first quidditch match, harry spends most of his time sitting on his broom reacting to what everyone else is doing. do your job, bitch!

the c.g.i. is actually okay . . .

the c.g.i. and other special effects are of course dated now, considering how much computer generated pictures have improved since the 2000s. however, all in all, i think the film has aged well in terms of it’s cinematography and general design. fluffy, norbert the dragon and the fast paced quidditch matches all look pretty good, unless you go looking for flaws.

norbert was adorable . . .

i would die for norbert.

tom felton's facial expressions were so good . . .

this was something i only noticed as the film progressed. tom felton did a great job at providing me with a good chuckle with his facial expressions. he doesn’t actually feature in the film a lot, consider how pivotal his character would eventually become to the series, yet he certainly makes an impact in some of his scenes.

the professors were so fucking dumb . . .

hagrid is far to easy of a victim here, but mcgonagall has no excuse. shouldn’t the three of them have been on lockdown since the troll incident. i understand, to a degree, her lenience with harry, but not with ron and hermoine. shouldn’t she have found it a little more weird that the three of them knew about the philosopher’s stone? regardless of how they came to find out about it, they could so easily have told anyone about it being in hogwarts. surely that would have jeprodised their operation?

ron was full on ready to die ? ? ?

did ron actually believe he was going to die there? like, excuse me ron, but what the fuck?

quirrell had some nasty ass nails . . .

someone cut those things, please!

voldemort’s character design . . .

i wouldn’t have noticed this the first time around, obviously, but voldemort has a nose in this first rendition of his design? i can kind of understand why he devolves into his more snakelike appearance of the goblet of fire but it’s kind of weird to see him like that in hindsight.

all in all, the philosopher’s stone encapsulates the heart of what harry potter is. i found it quite hard to return to this film, knowing where the franchise would end up. this film and others following it would certainly generate a lot of cash. but films like the crimes of grindelwald frustrate me as they are nothing but cash grab. it exploits an originally wholesome, well-meaning series and destroys its integrity. trying to fit these two films into the same universe is like trying to force together two positive ends of a magnet.

the philosopher’s stone is most certainly not a perfect film, and for me sits in about seventh place in terms of ranking all the movies. but it perfectly represents the essence of the series.

alienating it from the series and taking it objectively, i would give the film a five out of ten. it was never going to be my favourite film, and it wasn’t even my favourite harry potter film during my childhood. looking at it now, there are parts of the script i don’t really like and some line delivery is hard to get on board with. however, this isn’t enough to take me out of the film completely and i can certainly enjoy myself while watching.

this film is definitely a ten out of ten for nostalgia though. i think everyone can remember what they were doing and the feelings they were experiencing the first time they watched the philosopher’s stone. there is something warming and home-y about it. the truth is that this film not made for me any more. it was made for an eleven year old. i’m not sure how much someone who didn’t watch the film in the childhood would get out of this film. the characters were so relatable to me and as i made my way through the books and the movies i felt as if i was growing old and maturing with them. i’m sure i’m not the only one to feel this way and i’m definitely not the last.

in conclusion, this was a nice film to return to, and certain an experience i would recommend to anyone considering it. no, it was not as groundbreaking and thrilling as i once thought it would be. it certainly also makes things such as cursed child and the crimes of grindelwald more frustrating. but, it is certainly a nice one to come home to if you’re stressed out or feeling some january blues.

next month, i shall return to the world of harry potter to revisit the chamber of secrets. until then, you will have to make do with two more lists and two proper reviews. i have a hold the dark demolition in progress for next week, which shall be fun! but until next friday, farewell.

originally posted on the 13th of january . . . 

[hellyes-tommccamus]

Mutant X [TV] (2001-2004)

S01E11 “Whiter Shade of Pale”

[spoilers]

Sci-fi/action

Tom McCamus plays a main role in season 1

Another episode named after a song an English rock band, this time Procol Harum. The song is a good choice for the title, thematically it matches the episode as it is about love and loss, and also the lyrics “her face at first just ghostly turned a whiter shade of pale” could describe Danielle, on a couple of levels.

Brennan and Jesse visit the safe house and Neil (Xuan Fraser), whose New Mutant power is not needing much sleep. Not a flashy power, but I’m sure most people would find it useful. He has brought a cyto filter from a Dr Hollis. From what I can gather this is a consumable used in centrifuges, not something awfully technical but I guess Adam can’t use the Sanctuary as a shipping address (at least not since three mailmen got lost in the mountains). Adam has sent a new prototype genetic sequencer to go back to Dr Hollis. As new genetic sequencers are still being developed today I’m agreeing that this is a realistic thing for Adam to have made. But then Brennan says it is designed to restore the DNA of New Mutants and well, that’s not what sequencers do. They “read” the DNA code, which is made of nucleotides A G T and C so that it can be studied. If they had only given it some kinda phoney sci-fi name. But an invisible “ghost” takes the sequencer and hurls things at them to escape.

Adam tells Emma that he knew someone was going to steal it so he installed a tracking device in it. Maybe, I dunno, have some security? Oh no sorry that would ruin the plot. Emma can’t understand why Adam is so blasé about the theft. He thinks it was stolen by a mutant with out of control mutating DNA (this again?) Adam knows it was a Stealth New Mutant, which I imagine would fit into the molecular category. Adam says they are able to emit an aura that reflects light, which is the basic principal behind real life stealth tech. Hey, even my friendly neighbourhood military contractor has their own stealth system based on reflecting light. Emma is pretty baffled by Adam’s reactions (might have been a good time to use her telempathy, or did they cut the scene where she had to promise not to use it on her team?). He sends her and Shalimar to investigate at the safe house, even though Jesse and Brennan are already there.

Aldus Burke (Christopher Bolton), who Mason introduces as an informant, has news about a piece of Mutant X tech that has gone missing. Mason isn’t interested until he hears it was stolen by a stealth New Mutant. In this short scene he gets Aldus’ name wrong twice, presumably on purpose.

At the safe house, the girls pretty much state the obvious about Adam probably knowing who stole the sequencer. He usually does know from powers alone, so it’s not exactly unusual. Then Shalimar does something that is not only bad science but also bad health and safety. The thief hit the van window on their way out and Shalimar finds some blood on a piece of glass. Bad science: don’t touch blood, you’re contaminating evidence. Bad health and safety: don’t touch blood with bare hands (always assume it is infectious) also don’t touch broken glass with bare hands. Didn’t anybody on the show think to mention this? (Perhaps I am too fussy and would be banned from film sets).

Adam runs a test on the blood. I’m not sure why there’s an animation of blood every time Adam analyses some. Looking at blood cells under a microscope wouldn’t really help. And despite being a genius geneticist all he can tell is that it is from a female New Mutant. Shalimar questions this, and he says he can barely identify the DNA as human as it is so deteriorated. And to that I’m going to say balderdash.

Jesse and Brennan get a location on the sequencer and Adam goes to investigate alone. Conveniently it’s fall and the person whose house Adam has gone to has decided to give up raking leaves and just have them coating their driveway evenly so their footprints are completely visible even in stealth mode. We’ve previously seen Adam dismissive and cynical on the topic of love, so he disappoints me by being instantly all over Danielle (Guylaine St-Onge). They clearly have some history together but then Aldus shows up, accompanied by one GS Agent, maybe because for some reason Mason won’t accept him into the GSA. Aldus reveals himself as a feral and brutally attacks Adam to get the sequencer. Danielle goes stealth and tells Adam to meet her later. Back at Sanctuary Adam dismisses his team’s concerns and goes off to sulk. There’s the problem with an open plan home, there’s no real private places to be alone.

Adam looks at the DNA samples again. Emma comments that the chromosomes look splintered. Damage to DNA is actually unlikely to be visible to that extent. Chromosomes don’t break like split ends of hair. Pieces may break off entirely due to damage by for instance radiation, but cells are smart and like to repair themselves where possible, so the ends get stuck back together. Not always the right way round, but at least they try.

Emma probes about the Stealth New Mutant, and Adam at first accuses her of reading him but then tells her he met Danielle sixteen years ago when he was working at Genomex and she was struggling with her powers and they fell in love. Now I don’t believe Adam could possibly have started work at a Genomex more than 30 years previously (unless he is a lot older than he looks). So either the New Mutant project began before Adam was involved or “treatment” was given to much older children because we really hope Danielle was much older than 14 when they fell in love. He says he thinks she disappeared because she knew she would have a short lifespan. If Adam knew this, why didn’t he try to come up with a genetic cure for what was wrong with Danielle? In a previous episode it has been mentioned that in the early days of Genomex they were working to cure genetic diseases. So why not that one?

Mason isn’t happy that Aldus brought him the sequencer but not the stealth New Mutant. He seems to recognise her name when Aldus says it. He is not happy that Aldus didn’t take infrared goggles to track Danielle. Infrared cloaking is something military stealth devices aim to do, so the goggles would be useless against stealth jets, but it seems Danielle’s power only fools unaided human eyes. The erratic way that Mason treats his subordinates is really obvious here. He’s extremely hostile towards Aldus from the get go, while with others he is quite lenient. Maybe it’s a deliberate power play, or perhaps he knows that he can get away with treating people he dislikes as he wishes.

Adam meets Danielle in a fancy wine bar, which appears to have been a favourite place of theirs. Danielle tells him that Mason told her that Adam only cared about Genomex and that she’d be a test subject if she stayed. Which is kind of interesting. She must have been at Genomex for a while. I wonder how the staff at Genomex reacted to New Mutants there, being studied. Adam says earlier that she was struggling with her powers. Was he running some kind of secret clinic to help New Mutants use their powers? Or was this open and authorised? Mason at least knew what was going on. Danielle says she trusted him, and Adam says that he did too. So were they forced to see each other secretly at the closest bar to the facility? I can imagine that Mason was not jealous of their relationship (due to his general disdain for New Mutants) but more of the fact that Danielle probably disrupted the whole workaholic solidarity that he and Adam probably had back then.

Danielle says she decided to leave and live her life rather than hope for a cure. Which is something people with terminal illnesses often decide to do. And who could fault them for that? The actress who played her sadly died of cancer, in a truly tragic example of life imitating art in a way that we really wish it wouldn’t.

For some reason Shalimar and Emma decide to break into Danielle’s house. And talk loudly while inside. They find a note that Danielle has left for her daughter. The last we saw her she was running away, then met Adam at the bar. How did she leave the note if she only knew Adam was there when she was already outside of her house then ran away straight after? Well I guess she may have doubled back in stealth mode. But how, if she’s struggling to control her powers?

Danielle’s daughter Catherine (Sarah Gadon) comes home so Shalimar and Emma must hide. By respectively almost doing the splits on the stairs and cowering by a wall. Real good hiding there. Catherine has the same power as her mother so easily finds them. But then the GSA show up and she is forced to trust the intruders.

Aldus and his henchmen put on red sunglasses, which are pretty cool, but we’re supposed to believe that they detect infra red? Infra red goggles look more like binoculars that are strapped onto the head. My friendly neighbourhood hardware store stocks a nice similar pair of glasses in green that protect from infra red radiation, but that’s the opposite of what they want.

Adam wants Danielle to come back to Sanctuary with him. But she’s not convinced. She places more trust something Mason must have told her maybe a decade ago about a drug called efanol (which in the real world is a name variously given to an antihistamine drug and a steroid). Danielle seems sure that she hasn’t much time to live but wants to help her daughter who she fears will suffer the same fate. Adam looks surprised and asks how old her daughter is. She is fifteen. So if Adam never knew she was pregnant, their relationship must have been extremely brief.

Danielle is fading in and out, and thankfully the other diners and the staff seem completely unaware of this. Adam takes her back to Sanctuary and gives her efanol, even though he said it was too risky. And he says strand again. And I cringe. I do however like how he uses spray paint to make her arm visible for the futuristic needle-less needle.

The girls bring Catherine back to Sanctuary. Despite being told not to go into the lab, there’s no stopping someone with stealth powers, so she goes to her mother and also meets Adam. And there’s no prizes for guessing what Adam’s thinking.

Aldus reports back to Mason about Danielle’s daughter, and Mason tells him to focus on finding her.

Emma’s clearly thinking the same thing as Adam as she asks Catherine about her father. She says all she knows is that he was smart and he and her mother really loved each other for a while. Which kinda sounds like someone we know.

Danielle thinks she’s back to normal after the first treatment and wants more. It’s not terribly surprising when Adam refuses that she disappears. What I do find surprising is how easily people escape Sanctuary. As nobody sees the way there, it’s odd how they don’t often find them hopelessly trying to start the Double Helix or driving round the mountains in a stolen car.

As it turns out she stole Adam’s car and calls Mason for help. For a moment Thorne makes a surprise return! Of course we’re not supposed to notice that they re-used some of internal establishing shots of Genomex from the first couple of episodes. But then they didn’t see me coming.

Catherine and Adam have a “father-daughter” bonding chat. Adam suggests that he doesn’t think he’s her father. There’s a bit of a plot hole/inconsistency with dialogue about past events here. Adam said earlier that he first met Danielle when she was struggling with her powers. But here he says that when he met her he saved her life and as a consequence she ended up with stealth abilities. Then she was struggling with her new powers and they fell in love? That’s a lot to happen in a period of maybe 3 months. Then Danielle ran off because Adam had saved her life but not a long life. And instead of using her short life wisely immediately got pregnant and passed on her faulty genes to the child.

Adam has a bogus science idea to save the lives of both Danielle and her daughter. He wants to recombine Catherine’s DNA with her mother’s and somehow that will save them both. For a start, how? Terrible misuse of the word recombine here. I mean they get an A+ for effort, the writers obviously looked up lots of science words. But then they have completely invented their own definitions of them. Somehow mixing the DNA of a sick person with the DNA of their maybe sick in the same way offspring to make them both well? Oh dear. And of course we’re using the genetic sequencer which as we’ve already covered, does not do things like that. I have an alternate ending that is more scientific. The efanol works and Danielle has some side effects but they are mild ones she can live with (especially as she will die without any treatment). Adam discusses with Danielle that if Catherine starts to show similar symptoms, the drug will be an option for her and the side effects could vary from none to severe, but they will not know until she tries it as everyone reacts differently to drugs.

Emma tracks down Aldus in order to charm the sequencer away from him. And with her telempathy that doesn’t take long.

Danielle meets Mason at the same place she just met Adam. I like the part where she looks very unimpressed when he tells her he brought his own chef. She is one of the only people we see him touch voluntarily and he actually refers to their previous romance. Which must have also happened within that very busy 3 month period. I don’t really understand why he brought his men when she was practically begging for his help and would probably have happily gone with him. But then the guys of Mutant X show up to save her.

In the lab Adam goes ahead with his super scientific plan to save Danielle, which for some reason involves taking blood from Catherine. At least this time the blood taking process looks a lot less painful.

In an extremely baffling scene, Mason seems to enjoy eating a plate of noodles while talking about all the ways in which its contents will kill him. (Oddly tumblr decided to show me a picture of egg and noodles when I was logging in to post this). He forces Aldus to join him and after one forkful, he falls over, presumably dead. Now it’s not overly clear but I think Mason poisoned him. It’s clear Mason hated him for some unexplained reason and he did screw up repeatedly, but is this an excuse for murder in a public place? Or did he simply choke to death very quickly and quietly?

Danielle and Catherine are back to full health and Adam arranges for them to be moved to a new home. He directly asks if Catherine is his daughter and she says no. Adam perpetuates a great myth about genetic heritability in his comment about eye colour. Both he and Danielle have brown eyes so yes would most likely produce a child with brown eyes too. But genetic inheritance of eye colour is not that simple. Multiple genes control eye colour so it isn’t impossible for Catherine to have blue eyes and also be his daughter. We know that Danielle also had a romance with Mason, so it’s possible that she is his daughter. That could have been an interesting storyline. But as it’s an episodic show her father must remain a mystery as she is a non-returning guest star.

[lids-flutter-open]

somebody read this scene especially if youve already read my book. it changes a key plot point slightly (Mr Weber helps Z try to steal books on necromancy; they  fail; Mr. Weber gets arrested--in this version Z is actually at the library with him) sorry it’s so long if ur on mobile

 Z didn’t know what hours the university library at Willamette University was open. When the sun came up slightly over the edge of the horizon, they were sitting at the window of Mrs. Dunnigan’s front room, looking out at the foggy street. Mrs. Dunnigan was up early even on Saturdays, and Z could hear her moving in her room, closing and opening drawers.

“Mr. Weber gave me a spell to disable the security on the Censored Materials room at Willamette,” Z said when the old witch opened her bedroom door and stood for a moment putting on her slippers.

Mrs. Dunnigan blinked. She looked for a second at Z with incomprehension, and then her face settled into an expression of displeasure. “He should have done more than that,” she said. “He should have gone there with you.”

“Do you think you can go there with me?” Z asked. “Or do you have the bookstore to take care of?”

“The bookstore is open today and I’ve sworn to myself that I’ll stay open in spite of the people who want to close it. You can come with me downtown if you want.”

“Do you think I have a chance at getting into the Censored Materials room alone, if I went today?” Z asked. “I could try to do like an invisibility thing.”

“Can you do an invisibility hex on yourself?” Mrs. Dunnigan asked.

“I’ve done it on a pencil,” Z said.

“I don’t think that’s very smart,” Mrs. Dunnigan said. She cleared her throat and folded her bathrobe more tightly around her small body. “I don’t know that it’s safe. I wish it was the seventies so I would have the kind of thing you needed on the top shelf of the back room ready to give you, but they burned all my rare books about that kind of magic years ago and they do the same to anyone nowadays who tries to get at the ones they kept locked up.” She moved past Z into the kitchen and began making tea. “I wish he’d done more to help you. I read about that golem last year and thought, now there’s a sorcerer. I suppose this government makes us all cowards. Don’t worry, we’ll think of something.”

Z didn’t say anything, and stretched their arms above their head, listening to their own bones crack.

The bookstore had not been badly damaged by the stone or by the angry people who had shown up to protest the werewolf rights display, but there was a long, uneven line of splintered glass down the length of the front window that had been patched up unevenly on both sides with clear layers of packing tape. Z followed Mrs. Dunnigan inside and sat for a while by the register, watching her do the accounts and pretending to read. They had carried the spell Mr. Weber gave them in their pocket. Z wasn’t sure what excuse to use to slip away, or if they should tell Mrs. Dunnigan in case they ran into trouble at the library.

“I think I want to maybe go to the library today and just scope it out,” they said. “Not try anything, just look to see where things are.”

Mrs. Dunnigan studied Z. “Do you think you can stay out of danger?”

Z shrugged. “I’ll wear a sweatshirt or something so people can’t see my scars.”

“Wear a hat too. But let’s see. You can wear my friend Sal’s baseball cap and sweater with the Oregon Ducks logo.”

“People hate the Ducks here.”

“If anyone asks you can say you’re from Eugene and you’re visiting your brother at school and showing your allegiance for the Ducks to spite him.”

Z nodded. “Okay.”

“Would you like a razor blade to cut some pages out of books if you find anything? Not, of course, that I approve of cutting up books.” Mrs. Dunnigan took a capped razor blade in a case from inside a drawer by the register.

Z took the razor blade and a canvas shopping bag. Mrs. Dunnigan put three large books about football history into it, in case Z needed the covers to hide anything they stole. As they closed the door of the bookstore behind them, the bell chimed so loudly that it almost covered Mrs. Dunnigan’s goodbye. They caught the bus at the corner. It wasn’t far to the university from the bookstore, since both were in the middle of town.

The library at Willamette had been built in the later eighties and was still fairly new. Originally it was going to be named after a U.S Senator from Oregon, but once the senator was investigated for affiliation with dissident magical groups, the committee in charge had decided to christen it the Wells Library instead, in honor of an executive at an airplane manufacturing company who had donated to the library’s construction. It was made of brick and glass and had a clock tower in the front that looked like it had been built more to represent the idea of a tower than to fulfill any real function. You could not climb into it, though it was true that if you stood in its shadow it blocked rain from falling. Z passed under the clock on their way to the sliding doors that opened inward on the interior of the building. As they passed the front desk a bored student employee looked up and then back down at the book they were reading.

Z had no idea where to begin to look for the Censored Materials Division. They imagined it would either be in a basement or on the top floor, and they decided to ride the elevator all the way up to see if they could find a promising locked cupboard or filing cabinet. The only other people in the library early on a Saturday were students who looked harried and sleep-deprived and carried with them large stacks of books or papers. Z’s feet made little noise on the thin blue carpeting as they made their way to the elevators. The elevator doors opened onto a flat, florescent expanse of shelving and computer banks, labeled in a way that Z couldn’t make heads or tails of. They circled the floor along the outer edge, looking for a hallway or narrow corner, but the top floor seemed to be mainly full of history texts on agricultural development. They took the elevator to the basement. It stopped on the second floor, and opened. Three students and one taller man got in. Z did not initially look up, pretending to study the buttons. When they felt the older man staring them down, though, they looked up to meet his gaze.

It was Mr. Weber.

Z nodded to show that they saw him and waited for the students to leave the elevator. He looked tired. At school Mr. Weber always dressed neatly, but today he was wearing baggy gray denim pants and a loose vest over a T-shirt. As the silver doors closed and the chain inside the elevator mechanism lowered Z and Mr. Weber to the basement, he cleared his throat.

“I thought you might be here,” he said quietly. “I felt terrible about leaving you to do this on your own. I never wanted to be that kind of person. I thought about it all yesterday and realized I had to help you. I get scared sometimes, but this is something I need to do.”

“Do you know where the Censored Materials Division is? If you could just tell me, I think I’ll be okay on my own.” Z was slightly taken aback by Mr. Weber’s presence and the way he was holding himself like a bent stick that might at any second snap.

“I can do one better than that,” Mr. Weber said. “I think it’s a good idea for you to be invisible. I imagined you wouldn’t be able to do that on your own.” The elevator reached the basement floor and the small chime rang out as the doors slid open. Mr. Weber gestured for Z to stay where they were, pressed into the space on one side of the door.

“An invisibility hex for a person is dangerous,” Z started to say, whispering in case someone was outside next to the long alleyways of filing cabinets. “We learned that last year. I could…”

“Suffocate, yes.” Mr. Weber smiled slightly, though his eyes looked tired and his body was tense. Z could see the bubble gum pressed between his teeth. “I don’t think that’s a concern here.”

“Oh,” Z said. “Right.” They squared their shoulders. “Then yes, all right.”

Mr. Weber pressed one hand lightly to Z’s forehead and muttered a rapid-fire incantation. Z recognized part of it from basic invisibility lessons the previous year, but it went on for far longer. Z felt a sensation along their spine and in their fingers and toes as if someone had just wrapped them in a thin, sticky bedsheet.

“The archives are at the end of the hall to your right,” Mr. Weber said. “It’s all in cabinets and lockers. You’re looking for the last four cabinets on the right side of the hallway. I know because of breaking in once before. You can probably unlock them easily once you’re through the outer security spell.”

“How will the invisibility work with me holding things?” Z looked down at the bag they were holding, trying to see if it was invisible.

“Whatever you touch and hold to your chest will be invisible until you get out of the building and probably to the other side of the quad. Duck behind a bush or something for a few minutes. Tap your foot three times when you’re on your way past me to the elevator so I know you’re leaving with books. Tap twice if you didn’t get what you came for.”

Z didn’t know what to say. “Thank you,” they said through the plasticky invisibility hex, their words muddled.

Mr. Weber nodded. “Go as fast as you can,” he said in a low voice. “I’ll talk to the librarian to buy you time. Hopefully there aren’t too many staff.” He turned and walked slowly out toward the open office door a few yards from the elevator. Z followed behind him, unsure if they were really invisible. They looked down at their own hands and body and could see just fine where everything was, though at the same time there was a kind of mauve cloudiness around the edges of their elbows and knees and fingers. They felt as if they were encased in a spiderweb as they started down the hall toward the large black metal door with the inscription Authorized Staff Only, fumbling in their pocket for the spell Mr. Weber had given them earlier in the week. The paper was crumpled and torn on one side. Z tried to remember the incantation for fire. Z glanced behind them and saw Mr. Weber standing near the open door of the librarian office, looking at them.

“Incendi,” they muttered at the paper as they neared the black door. They felt at a distance the magic, as if it was entering their head from behind and shooting through their arms. It was a shock like a lightning bolt. The edge of the charmed scrap caught fire and began to send up a ribbon of smoke. When the red ember reached the sigil scratched in the middle of the paper, it sent up bright white fire. Z pressed it to the door, unsure if this was what they were meant to do. All at once, a bolt of brilliant blue emanated from their palm and a chemical acrid smell surrounded Z. They pulled back their hand, and the door swung open.

Inside, the cabinets looked at first just like the ordinary filing cases that filled the rest of the basement. There were no windows, though the room stretched further than Z had expected. It seemed to be organized in a different way than the rest of the library. Some cabinets were stacked one on top of another, and narrow ladders on rollers hung like long ship’s beams down the length of the walls. Z began to walk down the aisle of metal cabinets, looking for something about death, or necromancy. They remembered Mr. Weber’s directions and walked quickly to the back of the expansive room. The subject listings stood out on their small white placards, written haphazardly in a way that entirely contrasted with the orderly university shelves outside the black room. Cohens, Hattie Mae. Commune, Paris. Druidic Rites. Fey, American.

Then, at the end of the long room, Z heard the sound of someone closing a drawer and the noise of footsteps. They froze in place.

“Augustine?” a voice called out. “Did you re-organize this section?” A woman’s head peered around the corner, wearing a surgical mask and glasses that had a slight tint. She was otherwise dressed with exacting plainness, in a brown sweater and courderoys. “Augustine? Are you here? Is this door open?”

Z edged past the woman as she made her way rapidly towards the open door, looking at the labels on the shelves. They were at the N section now. They opened the nearest cabinet, where the slightly peeling label Necromancy, Practical shone in the florescent lighting. It squeaked on rusted hinges, and Z froze before edging it the rest of the way open.

The drawer was empty. Z’s heart plummeted into their stomach.

Outside in the hallway, Z heard a shout and a sudden loud high-pitched screech that continued to drone on in a pulsing monotone. The lights above them in the room of censored materials began to flash red. They realized after a moment of horrified paralysis that it was an alarm. The noise was followed by the noise of running footsteps. Z frantically opened the remaining drawers in the cabinet. They were empty—folders divested of contents, and spaces where the books should have been. They moved in on the next one, which was empty too, and then desperately opened the drawers labeled with Naiad, Nazis, Nigerian Exorcism, and Nostradamus. These drawers had volumes and folios inside them, but from what Z could see they all had to do with the designated subjects on the labels.

The noise of the footsteps got closer. Z heard a shout and realized that the voice was Mr. Weber’s.

Z had only moments to react. They shut the drawers with a bang and raced back down the corridor to the black door. Two people were standing near it, and Z slowed to look, their legs aching. It was a large security guard in a dark navy uniform, standing pressing something into the back of Mr. Weber’s neck. Z almost cried out, but remembered at the last second to stay silent. About ten feet away, the woman Z had seen in the Censored Materials room stood, mask off, next to another librarian, watching.

“We had a notification that an unauthorized person disabled the security spell on the Censored Materials Division door,” the guard said. “You’re the only non-faculty personnel in the area. Hands above your head, sir.”

“You have the wrong person,” Mr. Weber said. He looked to and fro as if he was seeking out Z, but he could not place where they were. Z tapped their foot twice, as loud as they dared. Mr. Weber jerked his head toward the elevators and nodded in their direction. The guard pressing him into the wall didn’t notice.

“We’re going to have to take you to the campus police station and conduct an inventory of the room, unfortunately,” the guard said. “Willamette staff takes the security of their federally protected censored materials very seriously. I need you to remain still and not perform any magic. Any failure to comply will be interpreted as assault of Willamette faculty.”

“I swear I was just down here to look for a volume I need on lizards,” Mr. Weber said.

“I’m going to need you to remain silent,” the guard said.

Z ran for the elevators, and then at the last moment decided to use the stairs instead. They hauled the door open. As they raced up the stairs, they stumbled, and began to feel the sticky spiderweb feeling lifting from their face and limbs. Z grabbed the railing to right themselves and scrambled up to the ground floor. They tried not to run for the exit when they left the stairwell and limped as carefully as possible for the door.

Out in the foggy morning, Z threw themselves down on a bench across the quad from the library and held onto the wood on both sides of their legs as tightly as they could. Their heart was not pounding and they were not breathing, but the muscles that remained to them were pulled as tight as a string about to snap. Z didn’t know how they sat motionless under a drooping bare black tree and the shadow of a square concrete lecture hall. As they sat and tried to think about what to do next, they heard a wail of police sirens approaching. Z did not want to run or move more than they already had, and so hesitated, frozen, watching a black and white cruiser pull slowly down the wide footpath to the library. They did not wait to see the people inside get out.

When Z told Mrs. Dunnigan that Mr. Weber had shown up to help them and had been arrested, and that Z had opened the door to the Censored Materials Division only to find the books on necromancy gone, Mrs. Dunnigan did not say anything at first, and then walked forward and enveloped Z in a bony embrace.

“At least he turned out to be brave,” she said finally. “He did the right thing. And at least you’re all right.”

“Will he be all right?” Z asked. “I feel like I did the wrong thing, asking too much of him or something. He’s been arrested.”

“We’ll check up on him,” Mrs. Dunnigan said. “But you didn’t do the wrong thing. You were protecting yourself. And he’s a grown man. He chose to help you.” There was such a tone of conviction in her voice that Z almost believed her for a moment, until they remembered the stance of the security guard and the thing pressed into Mr. Weber’s neck.

Z felt a deep ugly sensation in the pit of their stomach, and pushed Mrs. Dunnigan away.

[benjaminikuta]

A Bastardization of George Washington’s Farewell Address

A Bastardization of George Washington’s Farewell Address

Sup.

Elections are coming up, and it’s time to figure out who we wanna give the keys to. I figure it might clear things up if I take a sec to explain why I’m not running.

Now, I care about the future, don’t get me wrong, and thanks for your trust so far. I just think me quitting is a good idea on all counts.

I’ve been president twice now, and I didn’t want to do it either time. I tried to quit the first time, but the country was in trouble and every single person around me begged me to stay on.

I’m glad to say we’re pretty much in the clear now and I can get out of here without getting screamed at or letting things fall apart completely.

I told you when I started what I thought of the job. All I’m gonna say is that I did my best to set up the government right, but the more I do this the more I realize how dumb I am, and so maybe it’s okay if I let someone else take over.

Before I go I’ve gotta thank y’all, for the awards and honors and stuff but more importantly for your supporting my projects to try to make everything right, even if they didn’t always turn out quite as well as I hoped. Remember, it’s hard to tell how things will turn out when people get all fired up, so thanks for sticking by me even when everything was going to hell. Y’all get the credit for anything good that came out of it, and by God you’d better keep taking good care of the Constitution and the lives of the folks who live here. As long as you do, we’ll be a pretty kickass country and the other guys will start noticing us.

I should shut up, but I care about you guys, so there’s some more stuff to cover. I’ve been doing some thinking and I’ve got a few things to say. You know I ain’t biased ’cause all I want is to leave, so you might wanna listen up.

Now, you all love freedom enough that no one thing here is too important.

You’re all happy that the government’s so together and unified on everything (and you should be — it’s why everything’s so good), but it ain’t always gonna be this way. All sorts of folks from both here and elsewhere are gonna try to divide it, make you lose faith in it, so please don’t sell this whole America thing short. Make it your top priority and don’t ever get in a mindset where you can let ANYTHING divide you.

You’ve gotta be Americans before all else. You’re for the most part the same religion and culture, and you’ve got the same goals, and you’ve only got what you do because you all worked together.

But even though this sounds good, when it comes to crunch time it’s easy to forget that in favor of stuff that seems more immediately important than sticking together.

The North and the South, as equals, help each other. The South gets machines and junk from the North, the North gets crops from the South. Also, the South’s got some nice boats which go out and fetch stuff we need from time to time. You’ve got a similar situation with the East and the West. The East supplies the West with what it needs, and the West gets a market for its crap as well as — once we get a navy in gear — protection on the Atlantic side. There’s really no way they could safely do what they’re doing without the folks to the East.

So, we all need each other and we’re all stronger when we’re together. Being a family also means we can get along a little better, unlike certain countries I might name who aren’t so well unified. This makes us stronger and protects our freedom, and if you wanna keep protecting it you’d better get along.

It should be obvious here that we should all try to keep ourselves together. Sure, it’s a big country, and we’re not sure if we can keep it all together, but what the hell? Let’s give it a shot and find out. It’d be stupid to call it off because we’re not sure if it’ll work. Since it’s obvious how much we have to gain from keeping ourselves together, we can safely say that anyone who tries to divide us, anywhere, hates America.

Let’s think about where those splits might come from. The big one is geography. North and South, Atlantic and West, people are gonna try to emphasize the differences. They’re gonna lie about what the other side wants, and they’ll try to make you hate each other when you should all be brothers. You saw just a bit ago how some folks were trying to stir up suspicion out West that we were trying to pull one over on them with the whole Mississippi thing, but you saw how thanks to Congress dealing with Spain and England they got everything they wanted in the end. So maybe they won’t be so quick to talk about jumping ship next time.

Government’s important, and it’s not always easy to stay together. You’ve figured this out, and that’s why you ditched the last idea and came up with this Constitution. We went over it all carefully, big and small, and it’s definitely something we can trust (we can even amend it if necessary!). Give it some credit, and if you disagree, change it — don’t just disobey. Otherwise it just screws things up.

Getting in the way of the law for the sake of power plays similarly screws things up. Playing that game creates groups just looking out for themselves, turning crazy splinter groups into a powerful force. Let this get too bad and you’ll probably have the country tossed back and forth wildly as the various parties with their pet issues fight for power, rather than nice, consensual, unified government.

Parties are probably gonna look like they’re helping with one popular issue or another, so you’re gonna want support them, but I bet the guys in charge of them will just turn out to be power-hungry assholes who want to run everything.

To keep things going nicely, quit fighting with the government and be careful with letting folk amend the Constitution to weaken it. Just, in general, give it all time and see how it works out before being quick to judge. It’s a big country and we can’t keep everyone safe without a little centralization.

I just said that parties are no good, particularly regional ones. But lemme go a step further and say ALL parties are a bad idea.

Unfortunately, it’s pretty much human nature to gather into little factions like this. It’s worst in the freeest countries, and they suffer because of it.

Control goes back and forth between one party and another, and they just get more and more pissed, and we’ve seen that get really bad in the past. But it also leads to terrible, controlling government and general suckage. This gets the people more angry, they get behind one party leader or another, and that guy just takes that support and does whatever he wants, screwing up the country.

I’m not talking about anyone in particular here, but this isn’t necessarially too far off, and it’s always gonna be a threat, so keep an eye out.

This division distracts us, enfeebles the government, it gets everyone riled up with jealousy and false alarms, it pits us against each other, and eventually creates riots and stuff. It also opens the door to other countries getting a hand in our system, since they can reach in through the party structure, and then we just become their puppets.

Now, there’s the idea that the parties are important to defend freedom and put the government in its place. That might even be true sometimes; when you’ve got a real Nazi in charge, you can afford to rally behind a party, but you shouldn’t like it, and you should dump it ASAP. And there’s always gonna be a feeling of opposition to whatever the government is, so be sure you know what you’re doing before getting all partisan, and be very careful to know when to drop it so you don’t just make the problem worse.

Also, make very sure that you keep all your politicians in their place. There’s this tendency to let all the power shift into one office, which inevitably creates tyranny (just look at human nature and how much we love power). If you just divide up the power, and get everyone to watch everyone else, we’ve seen both in the past and right here at home that things will work out pretty well. And if you think the powers aren’t laid out right, just go ahead and amend the Constitution. But be careful, because that’s an easy way to destroy everything. Make sure you’re not switching to something that, no matter how good it is for now, sucks in the long term.

Now, religion and morality are vital here, and it’s silly to say that patriotism could ever be more important than those. Politicians need to be pious and respectful folk; it would take forever to list all the ways that being a good politician is tied to being moral and religious. All you need to do is ask — without religion, how can we trust anyone who swears an oath? And be awfully careful before suggesting that we can be moral without religion. There’s a lot of philosophical junk out there, but the bottom line is we can’t possibly suggest that we can keep our morals as a country without religion.

So, virtue is the root of Government. So anyone who screws with the basis of the government is obviously a bad guy.

Make education of everyone a high priority, because the government will only be as smart as the average people are.

Public credit’s important too. Don’t run up debts during peacetime so you can afford to draw on them when there’s a problem — and then pay them back ASAP. This is the job of the politicians, but the people need to keep them in line. And remember, to pay debts you need cash, and you have to get the cash from somewhere, and there’s no way to do that which people will like. It’s a tough issue with no easy answer, so try to have a good attitude and pay up when necessary.

Try to stay at peace with everyone. Religion and basic decency both say to do this, so it should be a no-brainer. It might even turn out that God arranged it so if we’re nice to everyone, we’re better off in the end. Wouldn’t that be sweet? It sucks, though, that we tend to be jerks sometimes.

It’ll help a lot if you can avoid permanent rivalries and permanent alliances. Just try to get along with everyone when you can. Otherwise, you’re a slave to your policy, which may take you somewhere bad when the situation changes. Constantly being enemies with a particular country makes you stupid and reactive, and can even lead you to war when you really don’t need to. The government gets all involved in this, and one way or another it turns out badly. Permanent alliances are bad too, because they makes you give stuff up when you shouldn’t, cause jealousy, and divide loyalties of your own citizens, often with pretty bad results.

The idea of this kind of alliance should scare any real American because it lets foreign countries meddle with us. And remember, if a weak little nation (us) gets too attached to a big strong nation (anyone else) you know we’ll be stuck in that arrangement forever.

Now, foreign meddling is one of the worst threats around, and you should be constantly paranoid about it. But be careful to be fair and sensible about it, otherwise you’ll get so focused on one country or another that you slip into alliances with other countries. And then, like I said, you turn into tools.

The most important thing about commercial trade is to avoid getting politically tangled. We’ve obviously gotta keep the promises we’ve made, but in the future let’s try not to make new ones.

Europe has a whole lot of issues that don’t mean a thing to us. So they’re gonna be fighting, and we need to make sure not to get involved with the folks on either side. We might make some nasty enemies we don’t need to.

Since we’re out here across the Atlantic, we get to do our own thing. And if we just keep it together for a little while, we might be strong enough to stand up for ourselves. And if we’re tough enough, other countries won’t want to start anything, so the choice of whether to go to war or keep the peace will be up to us.

And why give up this great situation? Why give up our country just so we can live in someone else’s? Seriously — why get involved in Europe’s squabbles?

So, we’ve gotta avoid permanent alliances. We can’t break the promises we’ve already made — the government has to be honest just like anyone — but we don’t need to make more and we don’t need to actively make the current ones longer.

(Now, as long as we’re fighting a defensive war, alliances are okay in emergencies.)

In the same way that we should be politically friendly and stay on good and fair terms with everyone, we should be fair and open financially too. Just let everything go as it will without being biased. Let natural trade routes open up, and don’t try to mess around with the whole thing one way or another. Just keep and enforce the laws on trade and traders, and keep them flexible enough to change as the situation changes — always keeping an eye out for those foreign meddling. Never get used to paying one country or another, and never get used to expecting them to pay you.

I like you all. We’re friends. I’m not gonna hope that you’ll actually remember all this for long, but I can hope that every now and then people will look back on what I said and use it to calm down a crazy political party, remind us not to get tied up with other countries, or to try to expose phoney patriots. That’s the only payment I need — the hope that in return for my looking after you, you’ll look after yourselves.

You can look at my record. In my years in charge I’ve done my best to follow all the ideas laid out in this message.

Oh, and about the war still going on in Europe right now — check out what I said on 4/22/1793. It’s the outline of my principles on the subject, which I have followed as closely as I possibly could.

I gave it a lot of thought, decided that we could stay neutral, and then took reasonable steps to make sure that’s what happened.

You know, if you just look at basic common decency it should be pretty obvious what a good idea neutrality is.

As to the reasons it’s a good idea, you can probably come up with plenty on your own. For me, the main thing has been that we’re a pretty new country, just trying to get settled, and we don’t wanna interrupt that with war right away.

Now, I can’t think of anything I knowingly screwed up over the last eight years. But I’m sure I’ve made mistakes, and I pray that God helps to repair any harm they caused. And I hope that you’re understanding about them. I’ve spent 45 years working really hard for this country, and I hope that you won’t be too hard on my incompetences once I’m gone.

Speaking of being gone, I am really looking forward to this retirement. And I’m especially looking forward to retiring to live in a peaceful, free country of good laws under a good government — a government which is a good reward for our shared hardship, work, and love.