#I dunno... I'm really not a bad person lol

[slayerdurge]

ha i called it. i posted like two episodes ago that outie burt might be a lumon loyalist (though it sounds like he may or may not be a reformed one). cool dynamic though with outie irving being a lumon whistleblower.

[juno-stuffs]

okay so i'm actually curious

[mxnhoo]

rollercoaster (s. jy)

╰➤ sim jaeyun x reader featuring wonyoung, liz, giselle, literally the whole of bnd, rei, chan synopsis having nothing to do in girls night, you and your gals decided that downloading a dating app would be absolutely perfect to spice up your lives. seeing the males on the dating app, you get violently irked out until you see someone who seems at least half-decent, which so happens to be a guy named "Sim Jaeyun" and it kicks off with him! until you.. start feeling the need.. to.. push away. genre looots of banter, romance, comedy, enemies to lovers, reader has a chaotic friendgroup, dating app, coffee shop, overseas trip, slowburn, reader is chaotic and loud at times, lots of coincidences/surprises, jake is annoying as fuck and super sarcastic lol, reader is awkward with new people and daydreams a lot, did i mention banter?, camping/out in the forest, they both secretly do things for each other, jake loves astronomy and seeing the stars, somewhat heated confrontation!, alone in the pool, dancing, partially proofread(?) word count 17,836 warning reader has an avoidant attachment lol, did i already say avoidant attachment?, vulnerability, ghosting, reader has to face her attachment issues, mentions of death/wanting to die, mentions of anxiety, LOTS of cursing, "go to hell", like one suggestive joke, mentions of stalking, jake mocks her attachment/issues, joking use of "i'm going to kill you", lmk if i missed anything cly's note i'm so happy this is done. i had this idea since last year november i had so much fun writing certain parts and you can definitely tell which, but i despised the other parts LOL omygosh i hate this sm but hope yall can enjoy it. ive been so inactive so this is my return!

now playing rollercoaster - bleachers "You are such a rollercoaster, and a killer queen you are"

“Hey, how ‘bout Wony goes next?” Liz exclaimed, and everyone silently agreed. Wonyoung reached her hand out towards the bottle that was sitting in the centre, twisting her hand and spinning it.

You and your friend group was having a girl’s night, and you all were planning to gossip and have fun all night, but it turns out the current situation was the exact opposite. Everyone’s eyes watched as the bottle spun, the speed of the bottle gradually slowing down as it eventually stopped at..

You.

“Y/N, truth or dare?” Wonyoung shot at you, her tone slightly uninterested and you shrugged.

“I dunno, truth, I guess?” 

Everyone remained silent, waiting for someone to come up with a genius question that would make you reveal things about you that they didn’t know about.

Which was practically impossible.

The entire friend group have been together with each other for about 4 years, and even despite being separated by going to college, keeping up with each other wasn’t difficult, and hence, everyone knew everything about each other.

“Any.. questions?” you called out, in hopes that someone would miraculously have a fun question that hasn’t been asked already.

“Not really, no. We already know everything about you,” Giselle, who was sitting across from you, answered.

“Would you date any guy from your class?” Liz enthusiastically questioned, almost as if she didn’t already know your answer.

“No. They’re all either weird, ugly, or have a bad personality,” you sternly responded, your tone disappointed.

Everyone sighed at the expected answer, either leaning back or just scratching their heads.

“This is so boring,” Wonyoung bluntly said, puffing air on one side of her cheek and though it was harsh, she was right.

“Isn’t there anything fun to do?” you questioned, completely leaning backwards and laying back on the cold tiled floor, staring at the ceiling. It was dark outside, and you wanted to make the most out of your time before you go home, since meet ups with them were quite rare. 

“Nah man, we already know everything about each other, there’s nothing to ask,” Giselle responded, going on her phone and scrolling.

“This sucks, no fun thing, no fun love life. Why’re all the guys in our classes so damn ugly?” you whined, letting out a loud sigh afterwards and resting your arm on your forehead. 

“Hey, I might’ve found something fun,” Giselle muttered, as her finger stopped scrolling.

“What did you say?” Wonyoung responded, her eyes shooting up to Giselle, her expression curious.

“Dating apps!” Giselle announced.

“C’mon bro, that’s so bori-” “Let’s see how many people like our profile in 24 hours, how ‘bout that?” Giselle exclaimed, clearly proud at her idea.

Everyone rose up from their half-alive state, unitedly looking at Giselle as if she had just suggested the most thrilling and juiciest activity.

Liz questioned, "Aren't guys there like.. creeps?".

"Well, sure! But not all of them!" Giselle exclaimed, feeling proud at her idea.

“I mean, why not right?” you giggled, finally feeling alive after having the most boring truth-or-dare session.

And that was how you were on your study table, scrolling on your phone using that very same dating app.

Even after the 24th hour mark and comparing the number of likes each of you got, you were still scrolling through the profiles, either liking them and rejecting them.

You knew people on the app weren't so.. proper, but you were looking forward to it because of new experiences and fun, and who knows? You might even find 'the one' here. 'The one' who you're fated to be with, and go through everything with.

Your eyebrows raised as the profiles kept coming in non-stop, anticipating that you'd find someone at least half-decent. So far, all of the profiles are all fuckboys who don't show their face on their profile with bios like "Let's fuck" or "FWBs??".

Fuck no. Absolutely not.

Either that, or boys who full on show their body and stick out their tongues like some frat boys. You couldn't tell which one irked you more.

You sighed, your finger hovering over the dislike button. And that was when you saw it.

"Jaeyun Sim | Jake", and it was photo of a male who looked genuine. In the first photo, he was holding the strap to this big.. fluffy.. cute dog?

Wow, he's cute. The dog, actually. Or is the dog a girl? Whatever.

And him too you could say — this.. "Jake".

Intrigued by this profile, you scrolled through his photos. The first photo was him walking his supposed dog, then as you swiped, you're met with him cuddling his dog and having a surprisingly cute smile. Then the next, he's wearing a white long sleeve, and he seems to be in a field..? And it seems to be sunset with how the background is a pinkish-grey sky.

Shit. He's kinda cute.

"Here just for fun! Loves music, just wanna vibe here tbh. Friends!".

Your eyes wandered as you thought about pressing the like button.

It's just once.

What's the worst that could happen?

Your finger slowly hovered over the button as you thought about pressing it, suddenly feeling hesitant, but in a quick second you forced your finger down and you instantly squaled, turning your phone and facing it downwards flat on your table.

You had to take a breather, processing what you just did and realising the whole situation. You sighed and relaxed your shoulders — it wasn't that serious right? He didn't actually know you right? Whatever. This whole thing isn't that serious.

And your whole perspective flipped when you heard your phone go off, your hands instantly flipping it upwards and seeing that he messaged. Your eyes widened and your jaw dropped, surprised at the instant response and you stared at the screen for a second, mentally preparing yourself.

simjaeeejake liked your profile. You both matched! Start chatting now!

simjaeeejake : HEYYY WASSUP

You stared at the message, biting your lips as you started to type.

y/n : YOOOO y/n : how r u!

simjaeeejake : TIRED. simjaeeejake : But we gotta stay LOCKED IN!

You puffed up your cheeks, feeling intimidated yet impressed at his immediate and energetic response.

y/n : AS U SHOULD!

He didn't respond immediately so you started to think if your response was over the top.

Oh shit, did he think you were a weirdo?

simjaeeejake : YEAHH simjaeeejake : I'm jake by the way

Nevermind. All's good.

y/n : i'm y/n l/n y/n : just call me y/n

You were slightly smiling, feeling slightly excited because he matched your energy well.

And that's how you talked to him for not one. Not two. But three hours straight. You didn't even know you had that much socialising power in you, you felt like 30 minutes of conversation with someone you knew was draining, but here you were, talking to someone for 3 hours straight.

And would you be surprised if I said the talking became a daily? Not 3 hours though — that'd be a stretch, but still — daily. You'd found out that he was in your neighbouring university, the universities only being separated by a few train stops, and that he really likes astronomy.

simjaeeejake : No cos simjaeeejake : I really love songs that just make you "feel" YKWIM

y/n : OOOH y/n : if you really love that y/n : i think you'd like rollercoaster by the bleachers y/n : I SWEAR IT'LL MAKE YOU FEEL

simjaeeejake : Oh! simjaeeejake : About that.. simjaeeejake : I know..

y/n : you know?

Thinking about what he meant, you gasped as you came to realisation 5 seconds later.

y/n : WAIT YOU KNOW THE SONG???

You stared at his typing bubble, anticipating to his response.

simjaeeejake : IT WAS SUMMER WHEN I SAWW YOUR FACEE

y/n : LOOKED LIKE A TEENAGE RUNAWAY

You sat up from your bed, genuinely feeling ecstatic as someone knew the very song you loved with your entire heart.

y/n : WHAT THE FUCK y/n : I FUCKING LOVE THIS SONG

simjaeeejake : Oh is it? simjaeeejake : Will defi take note

simjaeeejake pinned "I FUCKING LOVE THIS SONG".

And that's how you learnt a lot about a man you've never met in real life. He's studying something related to business, he has a cute female border collie named Layla, he shat his pants when he was 8, he especially loves My Chemical Romance, and there's more things you could've listed down.

Your friends could've listed them down too, from how much you talked about him in your shared groupchats.

Poor them! They were so obviously tired.

And the reason why they were even more annoyed is because you were talking so much about a man you have not met up with.

That sounds pathetic.

But you were completely okay with not meeting him, because if you met him, it'd start to feel a bit too... real. And you didn't want that.

But the day came.

simjaeeejake : HEY

y/n : HI

simjaeeejake : Crazy idea but..

y/n : UH HUH...

Your face leaned closer to the screen, watching his text bubble.

simjaeeejake : What if we met up.

Your smile dropped, feeling the excitement in you slowly slip away as you read the message.

simjaeeejake : IT'D BE SO FUN YKYK simjaeeejake : Like we can go see the stars w my telescope simjaeeejake : YKYK

You frowned, reading the messages.

y/n : uhhh

You bit your lip, feeling immense discomfort.

simjaeeejake : ?? Why

y/n : HAHAHAHA

You tried to think about a response that wouldn't blow him off.

simjaeeejake : What

y/n : sorry

simjaeeejake : Why??

y/n : uh y/n : i don't really like meeting up

simjaeeejake : Huh

y/n : not really my thanggg

You tried to be casual about it.

simjaeeejake : Okayyyy ms anxiety simjaeeejake : Ok but fr tho simjaeeejake : It'd be so fun simjaeeejake : Can't I be an exception?

You made a disgusted face at his response.

Ms Anxiety? Exception? Seriously? Who are you?

You closed the app, placing your phone on the bed as you stared at the ceiling, feeling as if you'd just lost a friend. Your phone vibrated again, and you looked at the notifications.

simjaeeejake : U good? simjaeeejake : Did i say something?

You sucked your inner cheek, thinking of a response but you turned your phone off, leaving this as a problem for later.

Laughter filled the room as you wiped the tears from your eyes. You could only feel your abdomen grow increasingly sore as your laughter becomes more intense. You pleaded, "No- stop!" as you continued laughing.

Liz continued, "And he did it.. again!".

Her comment caused the laughing session to continue, everyone having tears coming out of their eyes. Liz was ranting about a guy she'd met on the dating app, and it literally proves the point that people there are literally.. hopeless.

Wonyoung, who was slowly calming down, spoke, "So you're telling me that when he saw you for the first time, he ran up to you, slipped ONCE, got back up, and then slipped again not even 3 seconds later?".

Liz's eyes lit up and she pointed to Wonyoung, "Exactly that!".

All of you had gathered again, but finally with more stories to share especially after the dating app idea. The group has finally became lively again after the energy had been constantly stagnant for the past.. God knows how long.

The conversation continues, but it eventually lands on..

"Talking about meeting up, say, Y/N, you haven't been talking about that.. who was it..?" Giselle spoke.

"Jaeyoon? Jaehyun?" Wonyoung guessed as she tried to recall.

"Jaeyun. Sim Jaeyun, Jake," you corrected, your mood suddenly flipping.

Everyone wiggled their eyebrows at each other while making syncronised "oo" sounds. Liz placed her palms on the table, leaning towards you, "You even know his full name, huh?".

You gave her a weirded out look, "F'course I do! How could I not? It's literally in his profile!".

Liz nodded slowly, leaning backwards as she eyed the others.

Wonyoung spat out directly, "Are you dating him?"

"WHAT?!"

"You are! Aren't you?"

"No! Absolutely not!"

Everyone gasped.

"Y/N.. you don't need to lie," Giselle rubbed your back and you snapped your neck at her.

"I'm not lying! I haven't spoken to him in a while!" you confessed at the heat of the moment.

Everyone gasped, but this time there was complete silence afterwards. Everyone gave each other the look and you bit your lip.

Wonyoung pouted, "Is everything okay, girlie? What happened? You used to talk about him in our groupchat so much..".

You sighed as you leaned back onto the seat cushion, "He asked to meet up".

Everyone looked at you, anticipating to the rest of the story, "Then..?".

You looked at them with a puzzled expression, wondering what else they were waiting for. "That's all.." you muttered.

Everyone let out sounds of confusion. Giselle questioned, "What?! So you ghosted him?!"

Liz continued Giselle's question, "And it was because he asked to meet up?!".

You immediately felt defensive, facing your hands towards them and indicating them to stop, "It was scary, okay! What if.. I dunno, he's like a serial killer or something?".

Everyone gave you a glare, questioning your thinking process.

Giselle voiced out first, "Girl... weren't you talking about how 'genuine' and 'kind' he was.. what 'serial killer' bullshit are you thinking about..?".

You felt slightly guilty, now realising how childish it was that you ghosted him over something so small. Wonyoung snapped, catching everyone's attention, "How long has it been?".

"Since I ghosted?" you replied.

"No shit."

You pouted at their sassy response, pulling out your phone from your pocket and pressing into the app, careful not to press into the chat and read the messages.

"It's been.. 3 days?".

Everyone's jaw dropped in sync and Giselle held your shoulder tightly, "Girl! You better respond to that man!".

You felt helpless, "What for! He probably forgot about me already! I don't even know what excuse I'd give for not responding!".

Wonyoung leaned over the table and swiftly snatched your phone, causing you to gasp. Immediately, you try to fight back for the phone but Wonyoung started typing.

"Sent!".

Your heart dropped, "What exactly did yo-!".

You were interrupted when Giselle covered your mouth, your words being muffled and Giselle apologising to the other customers for your loudness.

That's when you looked around and saw all the unpleasant expressions from the workers and the other customers, and you tilted your head downwards to gesture that you were sorry.

You slowly sat back down, taking a deep braeth in as you looked at Wonyoung. "What. Did. You. Send?" you asked, your tone clearly infuriated.

"I sent him.." Wonyoung looked at the screen, reading out from the text message in a sassy tone, "omygosh hi, i'm so sorry but my phone broke. hope you don't get the wrong idea".

You realised how she was all smiley and giggly and you stared at her, only wishing you could slap that smile away. You took a deep breath as you tried to remain composed, clearing all the negative thoughts.

"And he responded!"

"WHAT?!"

Giselle immediately pulled you down to your seat.. again.. after you accidentally shouted and stood up. "Gosh.. Y/N.. we're gonna get kicked out," she tugged on your sleeve and you rested your forehead on your hands.

"Jokes!"

"You guys.." you sighed, feeling worn out, "are going to be the death of me..".

"He responded!!"

"WHAT?!?"

And that's how the 4 of you got kicked out.

"Gosh.. we weren't even being that loud.." Wonyoung complained as she rolled her eyes.

"Right!" Liz agreed, feeling wronged.

"Whatever," you rolled your eyes, feeling irritated at them instead of being kicked out. You started walking first, not saying your goodbyes and you heard them yell behind you.

"You better respond to his text!" "Update us!" "Don't ghost him again!"

You were thankful you were the only one heading this way, and you waved your hand without turning back.

You'd finished washing up, rubbing your damp hair with your towel as you sat on the bed, looking at your phone notifcations until you saw his name on the notifications.

Oh. Right.

You held your phone properly, carefully checking the notification and not clicking on it.

simjaeeejake : Thought you ghosted me for a sec simjaeeejake : What even happened

You hesitated, feeling the guilt fully set in and you sighed.

y/n : i kinda y/n : dropped my phone in boiling water

simjaeeejake : While cooking or something?

y/n : yea yea exactly!

simjaeeejake : But you said you can't cook

Oh shit. He's right.

y/n : uh y/n : i saw a recipe y/n : seemed cool, wanted to try it out

simjaeeejake : Hmm simjaeeejake : Okay

Man. Hopefully he bought that.

You felt guilty, so you continued the conversation, but there was still something inside of you making it uncomfortable, so your responses had breaks in between them, were less lively and drier than usual.

simjaeeejake : Okayy I gotta go now, mom's rushing me out simjaeeejake : Need to catch the stars tonight

You heaved a sigh of relief, thankful the conversation was ending.

y/n : okayy

You were about to close the chat until you saw his chat bubble appear. You stayed, curious to what else he had to say.

simjaeeejake : Btw simjaeeejake : I know something's up simjaeeejake : So if i did anything wrong, lmk simjaeeejake : Or if you need reassurance, lmk too simjaeeejake : I'm not a bad guy, I promise simjaeeejake : I really like what we have, so I hope we can progress :)

You stared at his messages, your chest being filled with all sorts of different emotions.

simjaeeejake : Sleep soon simjaeeejake : Gn Y/N

You felt reassured and happy, but at the same time there was this thing at the back of your head telling you to run. Ignore him. Ghost him again. You rubbed your forehead, feeling distressed, and you sent a quick reply before throwing your phone somewhere on the bed.

y/n : goodnight, jake.

You stared at the ceiling.

"Maybe I do have a chance at this.. 'relationship' bullshit," you mumbled to yourself. You sighed before turning over and plunging your head to your pillow.

"I really hope you'd take me in as an employee!" you pleaded with a big smile plastered across your face, watching as your interviewer nods in approval with a subtle smile. You watched as he took down notes and you awkwardly looked around, the big smile still on your face.

After a few seconds of writing sounds, he closed his book and you sat up straight, anticipating to what was next. He cleared his throat and you leaned in closer, praying for good news.

"So.." he started off. You bit your lip, feeling as the anxiety starts creeping in. He continues, "You start next week. Come in some time this week to pick up your uniform, yes? This weekend you'll get your training".

You felt so overjoyed you wanted to run around and hug your interviewer. "Yes- of course sir! I mean, yes sir!".

"Don't call me sir, call me Chan," he reassured, his tone friendly.

"Yes sir! I mean- sir Chan! I mean Chan!" you stuttered, clearly not being able to contain your excitement.

As soon as you stepped out of the cafe, you immediately texted your friends without care about your physical surroundings.

y/n : IM GOING FOR THAT OVERSEAS PROGRAMMEEE y/n : I GOT THE JOB I CAN FUND MY SHIT

giselle : DAMNN giselle : congrats girlie omg

wony : YAYYYYY wony : asking for a friend! do you have staff discount

liz : CONGRATS GIRL!! liz : ^^ what wony said

There was this upcoming overseas programme that happened yearly, and you begged your dad to go and he allowed you under one condition — you paid for 70% of the fees.

So here you were, getting a job in a cafe that paid fairly well. The programme was in about 3-4 months, and you'd started your school break so you'd have a lot of time to work and get that bag.

The streets were bustling, lots of cars and people walking, and it was quite impressive that you haven't bumped into someone or a pole. And that was when you did.

Your face bumped into a hard chest causing you to instantly look up. The male quickly scurried away as he muttered a swift 'sorry', and he had black hair and glasses. You watched as he entered the cafe you were working at and you rubbed your nose, slowly rubbing the pain away. You shrugged and you continued your way, planning to respond to the girls' messages later.

Jake? Well, you did it again. You ghosted the man when he initiated to meet up, contacted him again when you felt guilty and repeated. But last week, it was final.

This cycle has been going on for about a month, and you almost didn't know how he never ghosted you at least once. He stopped contacting you, so you were somewhat grateful yet you felt like apologising for the mess.

But you knew that if you apologise, the cycle would start again, so you decided to break it.

The dating app? You deactivated your account and deleted the app, deciding that dating apps really didn't have 'the' one you'd be fated with. The perfect one that you'd never want to avoid, unlike Jake.

Your life now was perfect. No man, no worries, no school for the mean time, and you were working part time at a cafe that had an environment that made you thrilled. You were also looking forward to the overseas trip, so life seemed ideal.

"Order for.. Yeppi?" you read out the unusual name, tilting your head, worried you were saying it wrongly.

Immediately, a man rushed towards your counter, giggling and you observed a distressed guy trailing after him.

"See, Sungho! 'Yeppi' sounds cute!" the guy nearer to you spoke.

You looked at the two of them, puzzled to what their banter was about. The supposed 'Sungho' ran his hand through his hair, frustrated as he approached you, muttering a small "thanks" as he took his drink. You gave an awkward smile and as soon as they turned their backs, you could see Sungho smack the other.

"I'll get back at you, Jaehyun!" Sungho threatened, ignoring the fact that Jaehyun was rubbing his arm after the hard smack.

You giggled at their fun banter, the confusion dissolving as you understood the situation. You went back to the counter, ready to serve anyone who's ready to order.

Having nothing to do, you opened the register and started to count the money, wanting to make use of your time. The chime of the entrance bell sounded, but being in the midst of counting cash, you didn't look up.

With a few notes left, you were almost done until you heard a soft, "Hello" at the counter. Your head shot up to look at the customer, but your smile instantly dropped. Your face went cold and you accidentally dropped the cash, still staring at the customer in front of you.

"Oh..?" the customer muttered.

"Oh.." you replied.

You inspected his features. His hair was the same colour and shaped the same way. His glasses had the same tape at the side. He had the same piercings in the photo.

You confirmed it.

It was him, the guy from the dating app.

It was Jake.

Your first instinct was to bend down to pick up the notes you'd dropped, and well — hide. Duh. The man you'd shamelessly ghosted was standing right there, and you'd have to talk to him — no, look at him at the bare minumum while serving him.

You mumbled all the curse words you knew under your breath as you picked up the last few notes, mentally preparing yourself before you stood back up.

You were met with his amused face, his arms folded as he raised his eyebrows at you. You looked down immediately at the cash register, slotting in the cash at its' designated spot as you clear your throat, hoping he didn't recognise you.

"If it isn't Ms Anxiety herself," he broke the silence.

Nevermind. He did. And he did not seem happy.

You cleared your throat again, plastering the most professional expression on your face as you clapped your palms together. "What would you like, Sim Jaeyun?".

"And Ms Anxiety remembers my full government name. Impressive," he mocked and your professional expression immediately dropped.

"Look, don't make this hard for me," you grumbled, breaking the professional image.

"Hard? For you? Was it hard to.. I dunno.. send a text back?" he attacked, his expression clearly displeased.

"Oh please, Jaeyun—"

"Actually, I prefer Jake," he perfectly interrupted you, a smirk on his face, "please use that instead".

Of course he wasn't going to make this easy. But what did you expect?

You huffed out air, almost thinking that this was all a dream from how coincidental and bizzare this whole situation was. He seemed so sweet over text, but seeing how he acted made you realise he was snarky and irritating

He spoke up again, "No offense, but I don't think there's any way for you to.. ghost me right now", his eyes wandered around, "especially since I'm the customer.. and you're the—"

"Okay, damn! I get it!" you scowled, biting your lip hard afterwards. You shot out, "What do you want?!".

He hummed and pretended to think about it for a few seconds, "Hmm.. you to explain why you ghosted me".

"Not that! Your damn order!"

He gave a soft smile, "Oh right, that".

He's fucking unbelievable.

You bit your lip in frustration as you eyed him down, all the curse words threatening to pour out of your mouth. He raised his eyebrows and stared at you, "I think.." he hummed, "I'll have your usual?".

"Your usual?" you shot, "Don't tell me you're a regular here?".

"You bet I am! Happy 'bout that?" he gave a cheeky smile.

You stared at him in disbelief, wishing you could just.. crumble into a hole and be buried until you die. You sighed and turned around, running your hand through your hair until you heard him snapping his fingers.

"Hello?" snap snap "My usual?".

You turned back around, giving him the most dead expression you could ever make out, "And how am I supposed to know your usual?".

"Maybe you could apologise for ghosting me and I'll let you know," he grinned from ear to ear, having high expectations that you'd give in.

Oh man. This job definitely wasn't going to be easy.

To make things worse? You've already taken up 5 shifts a week for 2 months to get as much money before your trip.

And if you think about it, you're definitely going to have to memorise his 'usual' sooner or later.

Oh man.

"It was summer when I saw your face," you sang into the tip of the broom, singing along to your favourite song that was playing in the cafe.

The infamous "Rollercoaster" by Bleachers.

You switched between sweeping and dancing, feeling free because you were closing alone.

"Man, I'm never the same," you sang, "We were shotgun lovers, I'm a—"

"You're a shotgun running away".

You screamed, immediately turning around at the sudden voice. You held the broom close to you and your heart accelerated from the scare. You thought it was ghost, but no it was something worse — Jake.

He leaned on the counter, "No wonder you loved the song, fits you so well".

You recovered from the scare, your face twisting as you retorted, "What the fuck are you doing here! We're closed!".

"Not yet," he pointed to the clock.

9:59.

One. Fucking. Minute. To. Closing.

"My usual, yep?" he voiced out, his tone irritating that you were tempted to jump on him and rip his hair out.

"And if I don't?"

"I can complain to your managers and get you fired. I'm close to all of them since I c'mere so often," he stared at the ceiling and scratched his head, "Surely you wouldn't want that, right?".

"Fuck you".

"Your usual?" you questioned, watching as he leaned forward and rested his head on his elbow, giving you a cheeky smile. You rolled your eyes, already prepared to make his order.

"Nah- na-uh, I have a special request," he squeeked.

You turned around and frowned at him, his face bringing you over the edge further.

"Put it under the name, 'The Best Jake'," he requested as he pointed a finger upwards, his tone cocky and you simply scoffed, walking away.

Upon finishing his drink, it pained you but you wrote it according to his request, 'The Best Jake'. You huffed out in irritation before walking up to the counter.

No way you were gonna say it out loud.

"Jake," you called out, staring at him as he sat down, occupied on his phone but to no avail.

You sighed, thinking you weren't loud enough, so you called him again.

And again.

And no fucking response. The boy was giggling at his phone and seemed completely oblivious to you calling him.

You definitely weren't going to walk over to him, so you did another thing that pained your heart.

"The best Jake."

"Yes, coming!" his whole body turned to you as he got off of his seat in a heartbeat, making his way towards you and you stared in him in disbelief.

He gave you a satisfied smile as he snatched the drink away from you as you watched him walk away. You were in disbelief, flabbergasted — no way that just happened.

Your new friend hit your shoulder as he continued to laugh.

"You—" laugh "gosh, I wish I would've seen that!" Leehan wiped his tears, his grin from ear to ear as you shared your work experiences with him.

"This 'Jake' guy is actually hilarious!" he commented.

To be specific, your experiences with Jake.

"It really isn't that funny, Donghyun" you snarked and his laughter started to calm down.

"Aw c'mon! Don't go using my actual name now. I wish I was working too when that happened!" he giggled and pushed you jokingly.

"Too bad, it was like a week before you joined," you sulked, sticking out your tongue and leaning on the counter.

Leehan whined as he walked over to lean on the counter beside you.

"Isn't it crazy that we study in the same campus?" he questioned, wanting to change the topic before you get too upset.

You sighed before glancing at him, "Mhm, hopefully we can bump into each other".

You both stood next to each other in silence, when you suddenly thought about your programme. "Say, are you attendi—".

"It's time to close!" he announced, clearly ecstatic at the thought of finishing up and going home. Your eyes shot to the clock, realising he was right. It was 10 sharp.

You watched him as he pushed off the counter and stretched his body. You silently sighed, thinking you'd ask him soon if he was attending the same overseas programme as you.

After 2 whole months of enduring Jake — and working of course, you were finally going to take a break since your trip was approaching. You'd originally planned to resign, but it became hard because you've met Leehan, and all your other amazing colleagues.

Your manager patted your back, giving you a sense of praise as he gave you a proud grin. "Have enough money for the trip? Want more?" he asked.

You hummed a little bit as you thought about his question. Was he offering you money? Of course you can't turn down an offer like that!

"Mmm... I might not have enough," you muttered, praying you'd get spare change from him.

He gave you a reaussring giggle as he patted your back, making you feel content before his laugh suddenly came to a halt.

"Too bad, work more then," he shot coldly and you whined, watching how he breaks into laughter afterwards.

"You're too cold.." you complained and sighed, folding your arms.

He calmed down and patted your back, "I'm sure you've earned enough, I'm almost sick of seeing your face every single day".

You giggled, the thought that you won't be working here for a while feeling somewhat bittersweet. He looked at his watch and straightened his posture, "Alright, time to go, Y/N, will see you when you return from the trip?".

"Yes, sir," you saluted.

You quickly packed up your belongings, and as you were about to leave, your manager suddenly called out.

"Oh right, before I forget, I remember there's someone who's in the same flight and programme as you!" he called out, and you felt relieved at his words.

You sighed in relief, and you were about to ask from across the store who it was but customers started coming in, so the manager quickly gestured for you to leave and waved.

Now, it was time for your trip. It was going to be the time of your life, and you were so determined to make new friends, new memories, new—

"Oh, you like that? Me too!" you spat out nervously, your voice squeeky as you tried to get to know the other people who were in the same group as you.

They nervously laughed and turned away from you, making you feel awkward. It seemed like they already knew each other from the way they kept glancing at each other and making looks.

Well, fuck.

New friends? Maybe not..

It's okay. You could still make new memories, right?

You walked away, dragging your luggage with you as you stood alone, observing the people that were obviously grouped together already. You were eyeing and judging people based on how friendly they looked, and plotting to befriend them.

Besides, didn't your manager say Leehan was in the same programme and flight as you? He should be appearing any second.

Your eyes scanned from left to right slowly, mentally taking note of the different details of the people for future reference, and as you continued, your eyes come to a halt.

You panicked and your hands fiddled as it tried to find your luggage handle, your eyes not being able to leave the person. You felt the blood in your face disappear and your heart beat rapidly as you finally gripped onto your luggage handle and started running away.

You couldn't believe who you just saw. You just saw Sim. Fucking. Jaeyun. Fucking JAKE. Out of ALL people.

Luck wasn't on your side though, because when you started running towards the other direction, it only took you 5 seconds before you bumped into a person's chest, making your luggage fall flat onto the airport floor, a loud slap sound echoing throughout the place.

Everyone glanced at you, but you made sure your back was facing the crowd to ensure that Jake... wasn't aware that you were in the same programme and flight as you.

You rubbed your nose, feeling the pain after the impact of bumping violently into someone, and you looked up, feeling the need to apologise to the person.

"Sorr—" you apologised, but stopped when you saw the person, your eyebrows furrowing as you tried to recall who he was, "Wait.. aren't you the 'Yeppi' guy?".

"Oh my god," he facepalmed himself while still offering a hand to you. You took his hand and he helped to pull you up, your eyes glued onto him as you remembered that incident in the cafe when you still first started working.

"Sungho! Not 'Yeppi', thank you!" he replied, his eyebrows furrowing at you.

Suddenly, you heard a familiar laugh trail behind Sungho, your head looking over Sungho's shoulder and you saw another familiar figure.

"See! Even strangers call you that!" the man laughed as he walked to stand beside Sungho, and as his eyes land on you, he gasped and pointed at you.

"Y/N!" he called loudly and you panicked, covering his mouth instantly, your head slightly turning over your shoulder to see if Jake heard, and thankfully he was still in his own world, talking to other people.

"You..! How do you know my name!" you whisper-shouted and the man panicked, his eyes widened as he felt unsure what to do with a 'stranger' covering his mouth.

He mumbled out gibberish you couldn't comprehend, and he had to slap your arm repeatedly before you let go of his mouth. He gave you a dramatic sigh and dusted his hands.

"The cafe!" he pouted. "I never said my name!" you shot. "Your freaking nametag!" he complained, feeling wronged.

You had to stare at him for a second, recalling if you wore a nametag, and you indeed wore a nametag.

"Oh.." you muttered out of realisation.

"Hey! You're so mean, Y/N! How could yo—" he pointed a finger to you before you covered his mouth again, desperately not wanting your identity to be known.

"Stop. Saying. My. Name. Out. Loud. Help me out here," you whisper-shouted again, your words sharp and Sungho giggled, enjoying the show in front of him.

"Stop.. covering.. my.. mo—" Jaehyun fought for his life, trying to get out a few words as you covered his mouth more.

He smacked your arm again and you let him go.

"Fine, fine! I'll stop saying your name!" he gave in, feeling wronged and he pouted.

He added on, "But why should I help you?! We're not even friends!".

You stepped back and sighed, straightening your posture and clothes.

"Hi, my name is Y/N L/N. I major in Film Studies, and I enjoy anything related to music. You guys are my friends now, Sungho and..."

"Hah! You don't even kno—"

"Jaehyun. His name's Jaehyun," Sungho butted in, giggling again as he saw Jaehyun's little tantrum from his name being given away.

"So Jaehyun and Sungho? Got it," you thought out loud, memorising their names and faces.

You and Sungho teased Jaehyun a little bit, until Jaehyun suddenly spat out a question, "Say, why don't you want us to say your name?".

You jogged to place yourself behind them, holding their shoulders, and discreetly pointing to the main target, "Him".

"Jake?" they both said in confusion.

"SHH!"

You sighed, before continuing, "Long story short, we met on a dating app, I ghosted him, and he's so not happy about it!".

"Whaat? Why'd you ghost him?" Sungho questioned.

"I am NOT doing this right now," you recalled to when your girlfriends asked the same question, and the incident in the restaurant you ate at.

Both males sighed as they began to understand the situation. You began to feel nervous, thinking if they were friends with him.

"Wait, you guys aren't friends with him, right?" "Not really," Sungho responded.

Jaehyun answered, "Just acquintances, bump into him in campus and the cafe every once in a while".

You sighed in relief as you pulled their shoulders, making them turn towards you again.

"Help me avoid him," you pleaded and they both gave you weird looks.

"How exactly..?" Jaehyun asked. "Hang out with me. That's all," you gave a simple solution and they both gave each other looks before they both sighed.

"Okay.. Ms Y/N.. friend," Sungho replied and you fisted your hands and punched the air in happiness.

"I promise I'm a fun person!"

You were in luck when you found people to stick with right after discovering that the person you literally ghosted was in your surroundings. You've managed to hide yourself from him, hiding behind Sungho's broad shoulders from time to time whenever he was nearby. The others have given weird looks, but as long as Jake doesn't find out, it doesn't matter.

You, however, weren't that lucky with your seat in the plane. Both Jaehyun and Sungho were seated together, away from you. When you watched them board, you saw their cheeky faces as they waved you goodbye and you could've thrown a tantrum.

Now that you were alone, you were more prone to bumping into the very person you wanted to avoid with all your might. As you were waiting to board the plane, you constantly kept checking your surroundings to know if you had to hide yourself or even run away.

As the queue shortened, your turn was nearing and you were starting to feel more reassred as there were no signs of Jake. When it was the person in front of you's turn to have their ticket checked, you made one final check around.

"Who we lookin' for?"

"Ah, no one," you continued to search, feeling more safe that you were boarding without seeing him.

"Does his name happen to start with a 'J' and end with an 'E'?"

Your eyebrows raised in amusement, "You're right, actually!", you slowly turned to the person, "How'd you—".

Oh.

"Know....?" you whispered, barely audible.

Your eyes were glued to the person, your mouth slowly agape as you process what was happening.

Jake was looking at you over your shoulder and you were just staring at him. He gave you that cheeky smile he'd always given you whenever he was plotting something at the cafe. You blinked multiple times when he suddenly stuck his tongue out and cut your queue, walking in front of you and having his ticket checked first.

When the worker approved of his ticket, he turned around.

He teased, "Could end with an 'N', too. 'Jaeyun', y'know?"

He flashed that devilish grin once again before turning around and walking in.

You stared at him as he walked in, the worker who was checking the tickets growing irritated at you as you held up the line. You heard grumbles from people at the back and you immediately snapped back to reality, dropping your passport and ticket in the process.

Your heart was beating really... really.. fast. Too fast for your liking.

You were staring into nothing, your body feeling exhausted even though you did nothing but sit down on a plane seat for 7 hours straight. Your jaw was slightly dropped, your eyebags painfully visible as you stared at the friends you made along the way.

"Hello!" you heard voices, but it wasn't enough to break you from your daydream.

"Earth to Y/N!"

Suddenly, in your vision, someone snapped their fingers, literally snapping you back to reality and you immediately scanned your surroundings, seeing familiar faces.

Familiar faces that you actually wanted to see.

"Well, finally Y/N!" Sungho folded his arms.

Jaehyun added on, "We thought you almost—".

You let out sounds of cries as you opened your arms and pulled both of them into a hug, feeling emotional that you finally saw people you felt comfortable with after possibly the worst 7 hours of your life.

"—died.." Jaehyun's voice lowered significantly, taken aback by your sudden embrace but he didn't complain.

You stuffed your face into Jaehyun's shoulder, feeling like shit and finally letting out all your emotions after bottling it up. You were crying, just without the tears.

Sungho eyed Jaehyun before pursing his lips and patting your back, "There there.. Poor Y/N..".

"Was the flight that bad..?" Jaehyun questioned genuinely.

Your head shot up, your eyebrows arching upwards, "Yes!".

Luckily on the way to the hotel, you could choose the bus and the seats. There were 3 buses, and you made sure to take the one different from Jake's. The entire way there, you ranted about Jake's sudden appearance and the entire flight.

The entire flight which Jake unfortunately was a major part of as well.

"During dinner time, instead of getting dinner that everyone gets, I got something different?!" you complained.

"What do you mean?" Sungho and Jaehyun tilted their heads.

"I'd get a platter that's different than everyone else's — I checked and it was on the special menu — and—"

"Isn't that a good thing?!" Jaehyun spat. "Yeah, you get good food!" Sungho added on.

"No— I mean, okay, sure! But there was this paper note on it and I opened it, and it fucking said 'Wanna text me back?'," you grumbled loudly, not caring about the weird looks you were getting from others.

Jaehyun and Sungho had big reactions, immediately gasping and laughing. You gave them dirty looks and rolled your eyes, your misery being their joy.

"And then I turned around on instinct! And first person I made eye contact with? Fucking him!" you continued.

They both hit each other in excitement, enjoying as the story continues to unfold.

Your neck was aching from how much it was tilting to one angle. Your body was uncomfortably straight, and your palms were incredibly sweaty. You were laughing at Jaehyun's joke more, since there was a problem.

With a Jaehyun on one side, you unfortunately had a Jaeyun on the other.

Call that fucking unlucky.

"Nooooo way you did thaaat!" you dragged on your words, laughing extra loud, hoping that others would perceive that you were comfortable. Happy. Satisfied with where you were and who you were surrounded with.

Complete opposite actually.

All the students part of the programme were gathered in the same hall, and multiple groups were formed to make bigger ones for orientation. In the merged groups, everyone was sat in a circle to play some ice breakers, and with the amount of people in this circle, you thought the whole world was against you when the only person you didn't want was placed beside you.

You were mentally calculating the probability, and it was like a... 1/50 chance. You were eyeing the game leaders that were in the centre of the circle, discussing amongst themselves as you prayed even harder that they'd start the games soon so you can find a chance to slip away and sit anywhere else.

You turned once and you were only met with his raised eyebrows and cocky smile, making you gasp softly as you snapped your head back to Jaehyun and Sungho, your mind going blank as you tried to find things to say.

You simply burst out laughing, slapping Jaehyun's back a little too hard causing him to yelp out loud, accidentally catching everyone's attention and your head immediately snaps to everyone else, your eyes widened as everyone gave especially you, weird looks. You raised your hands as if you were surrendering and you heard a snicker from the other side.

"Nice one, smartie," you heard him taunt you.

You gasp and you turn your head to his, your furious eyes meeting his. "I'm going to kill you," you threatened and he snorted, crushing your ego even more.

He patted you and you shivered. "Ghosting and killing, huh? What did I ever do wrong?" he questioned, but it sounded rhetorical.

You forcefully pulled his hands away from your head, "Don't fucking touch me".

"Getting all worked up, aye?"

You thanked all of the Gods above when you finally heard the game masters in the centre of the circle start talking. You looked at Jake one more time, seeing his irritating smirk as you forcefully nudged his body hard enough to make him fall backwards. He gasped loudly and you stuck your tongue out at him.

It was your turn to snicker, and when he recovered and got up, he was about to raise his hand and smack you, but before he could do anything, you saw a pair of feet from your peripheral vision, causing the two of you to freeze.

"Ehm."

You two turned your head upwards, your eyes met with the girl who seemed like she could actually kill the both of you. You bit your lip as you scratched your neck, your head looking down in shame and Jake did the same.

"What are you two doing? I said I wanted you two to introduce yourselves since you guys are so energetic," the girl said, her tone so daunting you almost regretted doing anything.

She continued, "Stand. Up".

You two cleared your throats and stood up on clue, not wanting to anger her any further.

"I'm Y/N!" "I'm Jake!"

Both of you glared at each other, offended that the other spoke over them.

"I—" "I—"

You two looked at each other again.

"You may go—" "How about you—"

You both looked at each other again. You sucked your cheek, feeling your blood boiling. You were about to start arguing with him when the same games master loudly interrupted the both of you.

"This is Y/N, this is Jake!".

Your eyes shot at her, suddenly feeling sheepish as you realised that you were dragging on the entire programme.

"All your fucking fault, Ms Anxiety," he whisper-shouted, his hands neatly placed on top of each other as he looked down.

"Fuck you, go to hell," you whisper-shouted, wishing he could just disappear.

As the game master introduced the both of you, she turned back to the two of you and held your shoulders.. tightly.

"Sit down. Behave," she commanded and you two immediately said 'Yes ma'am' and sat back down on the floor, your heads tilted downwards in shame. Your knees accidentally bumped and you sent a glare but you made sure to not make a ruckus out of it.

It was finally the party after the orientation, and you were finally starting to meet new people. Sungho and Jaehyun were still by your side, practically being your body guards as the three of you socialised with new people.

"Say, that was so hilarious! That was like a scene out of a movie!" Woonhak burst out laughing as he recalled when you and Jake got called out in the circle in front of everyone else.

You face palmed as you took a sip of your drink, cringing as you replayed the memory in your head, "Yeah, sure, funny. Worst thing that has happened in my life..".

"Ever?" Rei questioned.

"Ever," you, Sungho and Jaehyun answered in unision.

They all laughed, enjoying your hatred and misery when it comes to Jake. Riwoo questioned, wiping his tears "Do you even know him?".

"Not at all!" you shot back immediately, your eyebrows furrowing so much it would form permenant creases on your skin.

Sungho wrapped an arm around your shoulder, "She's been suffering even before the trip.."

He started to share your cinematic experiences with Jake while working in the cafe and you helped out with the details he missed out.

On the other hand.. Jake, who was standing at the opposite corner of you...

"Bro, do you know her?" Taesan questioned him, giggling from the same incident Woonhak questioned about.

"Yup. Very well actually," Jake smirked, taking a sip from his cup.

Day 1.

You don't know what the programme organisers were thinking, but they thought that camping was a good activity. You thought you'd be learning more about the country, going to the city side, trying new food, but here you were.

You stood in the middle of everyone, your friends pulling on your sleeve as you stared into blank space, devastated and not looking forward to anything.

Suddenly, someone pushed your shoulder and you stumbled forward. You shot, "Hey!" and you turned to the person, and you couldn't have expected anyone else.

Jake snickered as he saw your worked up expression, wanting to push your buttons further but before he could try anything, your friends successfully pulled you away.

"Stop slacking!" Sungho nagged as he held your forearm, dragging you like a mother would and you groaned, allowing him to do so.

"I'm so not excited for this," you complained, still staring into nothing as your legs continued to move by themselves.

There were many reasons why this is the last thing you wanted.

First of all...

"JAKE! GET THAT AWAY FROM ME!" you screamed, causing everyone to turn back as Jake held a cicada and held it near you, giggling.

"Or what?" he tested the waters.

You hated bugs.

Second of all,

You were walking cautiously, sensitive to every sound. Everyone was split now to smaller groups and you all had agreed to gather different items. You were alone with Sungho, but he told you to stay put as he climbed the tree to get items.

You were tapping your feet, looking around cautiously in any case that something.. or someone attacks you.

Your face went cold when you heard a branch crack behind you and you immediately froze. You heard the cracks getting louder and closer, and you immediately covered your ears and squatted, screaming, "PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!".

You closed your eyes, tears already forming in your eyes from the fear and you were thanking your family and friends for being with you up till your final day.

A tear broke free when someone tapped your shoulder and your shoulders stiffened even more.

"Y/N, chillax.. it's just me," you heard Sungho's voice and you immediately looked up, heaving a sigh of relief and having more tears break free.

You were absolutely a scaredy cat. No survival instinct.

Third of all...

The group was hiking up the hill, a river flowing down and a waterfall nearby. You were looking into the body of water, fascinated but unwilling to go too close to it anything happens. You looked at how the fish moved around, slowly hiking up with the others when you scanned around, spotting Jake a little in front of you.

Suddenly, a delivish and smart idea appeared in your head, and you snickered cheekishly as you slowly started to jog to catch up to him, walking behind him. As he continues to walk, he starts becoming closer to the body of water without realising and you held up your hands and pushed him into the body of water.

But one thing you didn't know he had was his fast reaction skills.

He yelped. Held your wrist out of instinct. Pulled you down into the water with him.

Your body was immediately filled with panic as you become fully submerged into the water, thinking you'd die and your legs kick frantically in an attempt to save yourself. Jake had let go of your wrist to help himself, and as you put in all your effort to swim upwards, you gasp when your head finally reaches the surface.

"Are you fucking serious?" he glared at you, watching as you struggled to swim up. He continued to throw bashful words, "Are you like.. fucking.. 5 years old?".

You wanted to fight back, but the only thing you could fight for right now was for your life. You frantically kicked yourself up, your breathing frantic as you were filled up with fear that you'd die here.

"Don't tell me.. you can't swim..?" he commented after watching you for a while.

"I..!" gasp "Can't..!" gasp "Swim..!"

You were hopeless when it came to nature. The compatibility between you and nature was similar to the compatibility with you and Jake.

He sighed before he swam over to you and held your waist, pulling you up from the water and you instinctively wrapped your arms around his neck, nervous that if you'd let go you'd drown again.

You could hear everyone panic as they all call out for the both of you, frantic that the two of you were in water but from the way he was supporting you, you knew you'd be safe.

You stared into his eyes, seeing how the water runs down his face and how there was an irritated expression on his face. You felt his breath on your face, making you realise how close the two of you actually were.

"I like this expression," you mumbled, completely forgetting your panic 5 seconds ago.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" he snarked.

"This irritated expression. I hope you can be angry forever," you requested and he scoffed.

He rolled his eyes, "I save your fucking life and this is what you say?".

He glared at you, and you could say you were the happiest person alive but the thing that caught you off-guard was how his eyes flickered to your lips.

At this realisation, you let go of his arms, yelping as you fell back into the water. Jake was flabbergasted, caught off-guard that you suddenly let go of him and everyone on the surface screamed for help.

"Soo.. what you're saying is.. it's my fault you were dragged into the water, so you're asking me to pay for your laundry when we get back?"

"Precisely that!" you pointed a finger to Jake's face and he looked at you with a dead expression. He looked like he wanted to fight back but he simply sighed and rolled his eyes, not wanting to drag this further.

He offered his hand, "Your number?".

"What the fuck?"

"I'm not asking you for your number to be ghosted again by you. I'm asking for your number so I can tell you when to pick it up," he clarified.

Your chest stung a little by his comment, an ounce of guilt filling you and you cleared your throat, "Fine".

"Huh? Where'd this pillow come from?" you questioned after returning to your tent after cautiously making rounds around the area with Sungho and Jaehyun. You looked at Rei, thinking that she was the one who gave you the pillow but she simply shrugged and responded with a simple "I don't know".

Rei added on, "I left for a second too, and it was here when I came back".

Your eyebrow raised in suspicion, but you had no complains. You simply shrugged your shoulders and tucked yourself into the sleeping bag, the pillow adding comfort.

You sighed as you tried to forget about where the pillow possibly came from. You turned to Rei, who was beside you.

"Is that pillow given to you too?" you questioned as you pouted at her, placing your hands to your face to add to the comfort.

"Nah, it's mine," she responded, her voice slightly raspy.

"What?! You knew to bring?"

"It was literally in the itinerary!"

"Jake, what's up with your neck?" you heard a guy question.

Your eyes shot to his direction, curious to see what the commotion was about, your eyebrow raising in curiosity.

Jake shrugged as he continued to rotate his neck in circles, stretching out the muscles. You shot a weird look despite him not looking in your direction and rolled your eyes.

"Just slept funny, I guess" you heard Jake respond.

'That's what you get. May your neck be cursed and remain stiff eternally!' you thought to yourself.

You giggled to yourself, enjoying that you were cursing him out and the others looked at you in concern. Riwoo nudged Woonhak, whispering into his ears, "Has she gone coo coo..?".

Woonhak shrugged and snickered, having the same exact thoughts as Riwoo.

Day 2 wasn't that much better than day 1, but you've grown used to the nature, becoming braver than you were yesterday. You'd stop flinching whenever a branch nearby cracks, you're at least more brave to walk around as long as there's at least one person beside you. You're more capable, though there were moments where you ran to Rei and held her tightly, embracing for impact.

Everyone was on the trail, the stream of water flowing down. The atmosphere was filled with the waters crashing and the sounds of conversation, and you were simply following and enjoying the view. Though you admitted that you hated being in the forest, it's not everyday you get to enjoy the nature.

Your eyes scanned around the area as you continued to walk, your neck turning when you suddenly make eye contact with someone's camera. The person instantly pans their phone away from you, your eyes blinking to make out who it was to realise it was the one you hated the most.

"DId you take a fucking photo of me?" you called out, still walking. You were irritated, but you weren't that worked up compared to yesterday.

"Yeah, you looked fucking ugly, Ms Anxiety," he scoffed.

You didn't fight back, deciding that you didn't have anymore time and energy to waste on him.

"Whatever floats your fucking boat," you responded and his eyebrows raised, amused that you weren't being a public nuisance and causing trouble as usual.

You've grown accustomed to the nature and walking around, but you didn't get accustomed to obstacle courses. To be specific — elevated obstacle courses, also known as high elements.

"I DON'T WANNA GO!" you screeched, holding onto the rope that kept you secure and safe, your grip insanely tight as you shut your eyes closed.

The instructor nervously laughed, patting your back as he tried to encourage you to go. You were already halfway and it would be such an inconvenience to you and everyone behind you if you turned back, so you could only move forward.

You looked downwards slowly, peeking over the edge and feeling your legs grow more wobbly. You had a fear of heights, and that added onto the reasons why the forest is the worst place you could be.

"Don't look down! Just— just go!" you heard Sungho cheer you on from behind. You took a brief second to turn backwards, feeling motivated and encouraged by Sungho's words, but as soon as you looked back down you panicked and stopped again.

"Fuck! Why did I come onto this trip!" you whisper shouted to yourself, your lips quivering from fear.

Your nails were digging into your palms and your hands were shaking. You were ready to just.. die, until..

"Y/N! Don't be scared! Just jump!" you heard a voice ahead and your head immediately shot up, shocked to see who was motivating you.

Jake was caught off-guard by the expression on your face and he bit his lip, scratching his neck for a split second. "Just.. just jump you dumbass!" he yelled, stepping back into the course and holding his hand out.

You slowly stood up, your legs wobbly as you frowned at him, surprised to see this new side of him but at the same time, you could only care about getting over this high elements obstacle course.

"You..!" you muttered.

"Don't put the 'anxiety' in Ms Anxiety!" he mocked you in an attempt to motivate you.

A part of you felt like punching him, so you immediately scoffed, screaming as you jumped towards him. He was bewildered at how you did it with no hesitation after his comment, but he took your hand. Your foot landed on the checkpoint, but you accidentally slipped backwards.

You yelped loudly but he immediately gripped your forearm, pulling you towards him and preventing you from falling. Your foreheads knocked from how close he pulled you, making you groan in pain as you rub your forehead.

Your eyes slowly trail up his face, eventually locking eyes with him, feeling his breath on your face, and as you realised how he was staring back into your eyes, your chest tightened and your stomach tensed up. The strands of hair on your arm stood up, and you immediately became fully conscious, standing up properly while screaming and pushing him away in the process, making him dangle in the air.

"ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!" he yelled as he dangled in the air, desperately trying to get hold of the checkpoint edge as you stared at him, your eyes about to pop out as you frantically tried to reach your hand out.

You'd never thought you'd see your hotel bed again after 2 days in nature since it felt like 400 years. You enjoyed the coolness of the AC and jumped onto the bed, enjoying the texture of the sheets after it being untouched for the past 2 days. You cuddled up to your pillow, bringing the sheets towards your face as you stretched your back and legs, your eyes shut from how comfortable you felt.

After getting comfortable and sufficiently stretching, you flipped onto your back, staring into the ceiling and thanking all the Gods above that you managed to reach back the hotel safely and that you get to enjoy the comforts of a hotel room.

You were about to doze off until you heard your phone vibrate. Excited that Sungho, Jaehyun or the rest texted you, your eyes immediately opened and your hand flew to the nightstand, where your phone was placed, and you turned it on to check your notifications.

unknown : Hi unknown : Don't ghost me unknown : I have your clothes

What. The. Fuck. Who was this stalker?!

y/n : who the fuck are you. y/n : are you fucking STALKING ME

unknown : You fucking dumbass unknown : Don't flatter yourself unknown : The poor guy who got ghosted for absolutely no reason unknown : Remember him?

Oh my god.

jake : The poor guy who so happened to be me?

y/n : i figured

jake : Still no remorse?

y/n : can you shut the fuck up

You made a disgusted face at your screen, irritated by his attitude.

jake : Oh? jake : Okay. jake : Rooftop in 5 or else i'm throwing your clothes down the building.

You gasped loudly, sitting up on your bed.

y/n : you would not FUCKING DARE.

And before you knew it, you were out the door.

You sipped the drink that Jake had made, tapping your tongue at the roof of your mouth to taste the drink, before you made a satisfied expression, raising your eyebrows.

After a long day at the cooking workshop for day 3, you decided that you wanted to make coffee for yourself at the shared hotel kitchen room, missing your barista job when you realise that Jake was already there.

You two were bickering, when you two eventually came to an agreement that Jake would make you something.

Without poisoning you, of course.

You licked your lips as you frowned, looking at him afterwards. "Hate to give it to you.. but—"

"It's good, right?" he interrupted, his arms folded and his head high, feeling proud of the drink he made.

You rolled your eyes at how he praised himself. "You're thinking too highly of yourself," you commented, "But it's not bad".

He grinned in satisfaction, the compliment filling a part of the void in his heart. You continued, "You're actually kinda good at this".

"Well, duh? I'm close to your boss?"

You pursed your lips, "Whatever".

jake (DNI) : Want my drink again?

You were surprised to see the notification pop up at the top of your phone. You didn't think it through when you drank his coffee when you were literally about to sleep, now you were struggling.

y/n : you wish. y/n : i literally cant sleep

And the next surprising thing? It was the fact the two of you texted until you both fell asleep, just like how you two texted when you were on that dating app. However, this time was different, because you didn't feel like pulling away.

"You're more tolerable these days," you mumbled, barely audible that Jake almost missed it. Jake's eyebrows raised and he froze for a second, taking a moment to process what you'd just said. He cleared his throat and scratched his neck, recovering from your sudden comment.

Everyone around the table made low sounds of approval as they understood what happened, giving each other the eye and smirking. For the entire of day 4, it was a free day to let everyone explore, and your group decided that shopping to get souvenirs was a good idea.

You didn't even know how, but Jake suddenly appeared with your group but you didn't fight against it, slowly growing used to his presence.

After gathering back at the hotel, everyone, including the leaders, were having dinner together. You also didn't even know how but Jake ended up sitting beside you, and after being teased by the rest, Jake popped the question "What do you think about me?" to tease you further, which led to that answer.

You didn't know why you were so blunt. You didn't know why you weren't having the usual banter with him — you didn't feel like it. You ignored all the mummers and sounds from others, picking up your fork and slightly playing with your food.

"So I've looked through your activity recommendations for tomorrow when you guys submitted your forms, and we decided between two activities!" one of the leaders announced and you folded your arms, sleepily resting your head on Rei's shoulder as everyone paid close attention.

"Probably gonna be boring, huh?" you commented.

"Yup, maybe," Rei responded.

The leader continued, "FIrst activity would be ocean gazing at the nearby beach!".

There were sounds of approval across the crowd, people looking at each other and nodding excitedly.

"And the next would be star gazing at the nearby school's rooftop!"

Your eyes immediately scanned the room for Jake. You observed how his face lit up — his eyes about to pop out, his eyes widened, his mouth agape and you noticed how he smacks his friend in excitement. You giggled to yourself, finding him cute how he was so excited for the activity.

"Who're you looking at?" "No one!" your head immediately shot forward, your smile dropping and your posture straightening.

Rei gave you a doubtful look but brushed it away.

"You guys would have to vote between the two!" the leader continued, and you noticed from your peripheral view how Jake's shoulders slowly dropped.

Your chest slightly tightened at his mood change, you immediately turned to Rei. You voiced out, "Say, isn't star gazing so cool?".

"Huh? But ocean gazing sounds more—" "Nahh, you have the opportunity to do that back home! Unlike for star gazing!" you tried to convince her. "Hmm, you have a point.."

It was your victory when it was declared that star gazing was the chosen activity. You'd been going around, convincing people that star gazing was the better option and to your luck, they were all open-minded to your idea.

As the activity was declared, you watched how Jake punched the air in excitement, your chest tightening and your stomach feeling queesy at the sight.

"Hnnm? Who's got you smiling to yourself?" Jaehyun bumps his shoulder and your face immediately stones up. You didn't respond in hopes he'd magically forget that you were giggling to yourself.

He leaned in, inspecting your face, smiling while pointing at you, "Ohh? You're even red!".

You slapped your hand onto Jaehyun's mouth, "You better stop!".

You would be jumping for joy, but instead you were down, staring into nothing with your heart feeling empty. For some reason, Jake felt distant. It would already be a surprise if you two conversed without getting onto each other's necks, but the fact that he hasn't teased or argued with you once this day?

You occasionally took glances at Jake, often making eye contact but instead of him making a snarky expression, he immediately broke eye contact and turned away, his expression unreadable.

You sucked your inner cheek, feeling unsure to why your chest was tightening at such sight. You should've been happy right? He's finally leaving you alone just like you've always wanted.

But at the same time, you wish he'd just tease you at least once. It was driving you crazy at the possibility that he was ignoring you. He was just okay yesterday, so why the sudden shift overnight?

"Is that a telescope?! Looks so cool!" Woonhak exclaimed as he started jogging towards the telescope that was placed beside the fence on the rooftop.

The rooftop was dark, the area being lit up by the lights around. You could hear loud conversation sparsed out in the area, each of them being thrilled and in awe by the night sky. The sky had countless of bright gems, the view looking spectacular.

You folded your arms as your friends wrapped their arms around your shoulder, running and dragging you towards the telescope. Today felt off, you didn't really feel like doing anything but you couldn't just sit out.

Sungho patted your back, "C'mon, I don't know what's wrong but you can't possibly still be sad after seeing this view?".

You shrugged, tilting your head upwards as you saw the view, in awe as you grinned to yourself. You turned down and looked up ahead, and there was the telescope. You saw a group of people approaching it, peeking into the scope and hearing sounds of curiousity and enthusiasm.

Your eyes looked around, and you saw someone behind the group of people. You watched how Jake tapped his feet impatiently, smiling to himself and filddling with his fingers as he peeked over the people's shoulders, wondering when they'd be done so it'd be his turn.

Your friends talked to each other, your mind somewhere else as you stared at the boy. Once it was his turn, his whole body shook and he started to walk towards the telescope. You beamed at nothing, enjoying the sight of lively Jake, but right before he peeked into the scope, he turned around.

He turned around and his eyes scanned the crowd, until it met yours. However, this time he didn't break it, and neither did you. You two stared each other for a brief moment, and you gave him a genuine smile for the first time ever. He weakly gave you a grin, and you nodded and gestured for him to look into it quickly.

You knew it had always been his passion, and though you hated his guts, you had to admit that a part of you was happy for him.

"You came back?" you questioned, and Jake immediately turned his head from the telescope. He was stunned to see you, eyeing you up and down.

"Ms Anxiety's here too?" he remarked as he pouted, his expression unreadable again.

Everyone had returned to the hotel 2 hours ago, and by right you were supposed to be sleeping by now, but you couldn't brush away the thought that Jake was purposely avoiding you earlier in the day.

"Nickname's getting old," you pursed your lips, dragging your feet and sitting on the floor beside him.

"This is getting old," he shot and you looked at him, puzzled.

"What are you talking about?"

"Us," he declared, and he finally leaned back from the telescope, looking down at you and for once, you could finally read his expression. His eyes were filled with hurt, and his frown was genuine. He wasn't looking for a fight — he felt wronged and hurt, and he was finally showing it. You two stared into each other for a period of time, the sound of your heart beat loud in your ears.

He broke the silence, "Why did you do that?".

"Do what?"

"Convince everyone to go star gazing?"

"You.. knew?"

"Of course I did. I'd be a blind fuck if I didn't," he snarked.

You stared into his eyes and frowned, struggling to form words. You knew the reason, but you didn't want to admit it. There was another period of silence, as you were lost in your own thought.

"I thought about it over and over this entire day," he stepped back from the telescope and took a step towards you, "and I've concluded that it was for me, wasn't it?".

He squatted down in front of you, his eyes full of vulnerability. If you were in your normal state, you'd throw out curse words, slap him and run away as usual, but this time you felt the unusual urge to be honest, open up, tell him the truth.

"It was," your voice was quiet, your eyes never leaving his.

He sighed as he looked away, scratching his neck. " I just want to ask," he turned back at you, "Why did you do it?".

He didn't need to specify what he was talking about. You knew exactly what he was referring to, and it wasn't the reason why you were running around and convincing everyone to go star gazing, but you played dumb.

"Because star gazing is—"

"No," he cut you off, his voice stern, "I don't care about that. I'm talking about why you ghosted me".

He turned his head back to you, his eyes on you. The question was heavy, and even if he was the one who was wronged, you could tell that he was still patient. His gaze wasn't scary, it was welcoming. His eyes were softened as he waited for you to think about a response.

You looked at him, guilt taking over as you built up courage and forced yourself to maintain eye contact. You pursed your lips and scratched your neck, having the reason in your head but being unable to form proper words.

"It.." you started, "Was scary".

He tilted his neck as you said one sentence that was completely vague.

"I really liked you, you were fun," you confessed, "I've never texted someone so much in my life before," your eyes drifted away, feeling slightly embarrased, "But it was getting too real".

Your eyes wandered back to his, and you could see a soft frown on his head, the creases on his forehead slightly visible.

"It was scary, I was scared," you continued, "I started to make myself hate you, put a distance, push you away".

"But fate's crazy, brought us together, and here we are, hating each other," you commented.

"Are you sure?" he questioned, doubt in his voice.

"Well, of course fate brought us together, if not—"

"I'm asking about the 'hate' part. Are you sure you hate me?"

You stared at him, being completely speechless. You wanted to be open about your feelings, confess how you felt, and as soon as you were about to open your mouth, you started to get second thoughts

What if he hurts you? What if he makes fun of you? What if—

"Yes," your response came out quiet, barely audible and you looked down, not having the conscious to look at him in the eye.

There was a moment of silence before he said "Okay" loudly and turned away, walking back towards the telescope. You looked up at him, puzzled as to why he wasn't reacting.

"W-what?"

"You said you hate me, so why are you still here?"

You had to think about it for a second, "I don't—".

"You don't know. You hate me, so just go," he demanded.

You were confused as to why he was shutting you out now. You've always hated each other, so what's different now?

"Jake, why are you acting like this?" you questioned without thinking.

He scoffed before turning back, a smirk on his face, "Why am I acting like this?". He took a few steps, standing directly in front of you, your faces a few centimetres away from each other.

"Why do you think, Y/N?" he smiled, but it wasn't a welcoming one. It was a frightening one.

You simply stared at him, not knowing what to say.

"Call me crazy but, even over only text, I've smiled and laughed way more with you compared to the people I've been on actual dates with," he confessed, "And I was patient and understanding with you, and yet you left because it was... 'getting too real'?".

He scoffed, ruffling his hair in frustration and laughing to himself as if this was all a joke. You wanted to express your true thoughts, but he continued to talk before you could.

"And you say all of that, yet you still do things for me that make me question... everything?"

You frowned at his sentence, not knowing what he was referring to, "Question.. everything?"

"Question if what we had was real."

He sucked his inner cheek, placing his hands on his hips as he stared at you, fury in his eyes.

"Laugh at me all you want, call me someone who's emotional over someone 'online', I don't care anymore," he declared, "Don't talk to me anymore. Don't do anything for me, Y/N, I don't want to associate with you anymore".

He sharply turned his back to you, and your heart ached at the sight. You bit your lip, not having enough courage to face him, especially now when he was so pent up with fury. He walked back towards the telescope, leaning and looking through the scope.

You wanted to walk to him, tap his shoulder and just talk everything out, but what was the point? You two weren't even friends. You.. hate him, so what's the point? What's there to talk about?

You bit your lip hard, clenching your fists, turning your back and walked away, fighting every urge to just turn back and confess everything to him. You couldn't even mutter an apology — you didn't have the guts to.

It was the last day, and you were supposed to be having fun — clinking glasses with other people, swim with other people in the pool, dance to the music, but here you were, sitting on a bench far away from everyone, staring into blank space as memories of the previous day kept coming to your head.

Your chest felt heavy and you didn't have the energy to do anything. You stood up from the bench, wanting to go back to your hotel room to pack up your things for the flight tomorrow, but before you could leave, someone gripped your wrist.

"Y/N! Where are you going? Let's go for a swim!"

You turned around and it was Rei, and you were about to nicely decline, but before you could do that, she started to pull you towards the pool.

"Eh? R-Rei, wait-! My necklace!" you panicked, using your free hand and trying to get your necklace off but before you knew it, she dragged you into the water with her, making you completely submerge into the water.

You panicked because you didn't know how to swim at all, but when you kicked, your feet immediately came into contact with the pool floor, so you stood up, everything from your shoulder being in the surface.

You pouted at Rei, "I'm going to kill you".

She giggled cheekily and started to run in water, "Not if you can't catch me!".

Packing your luggage, you were mentally ticking things off from the list you made at the back of your head, touching and rummaging through your luggage to confirm the item's presence.

After a few hours, you pretty much packed everything, but there was this one item in your list you couldn't quite remember what it was. You tried walking around your hotel to get visual cues on what the last item could possibly be, walking into rooms and turning on the light then standing still for a moment to try to recall the item.

You walked around like an idiot, a puzzled expression on your face throughout and you sat down on your bed, feeling defeated when you layed down, staring at your ceiling. You scratched your neck in confusion, but you realised that the sensation felt different.

And that's when you realised — your necklace is gone. You sat up from your bed, patting your neck violently in hopes a cold metal would come into contact with your hand, but to no avail. You started to inspect your body thoroughly, hoping to feel a hard bump anywhere especially in your pockets, but absolutely nothing.

You immediately stood up, letting out sounds of panick as you frantically looked around, searching high and low as you opened and closed cupboards frantically, hoping it would appear in your sight. You even checked under the bed, the bathroom, trash can, and you paced around the room.

That's when you remembered — the swimming pool.

Your eyes widened and your shoulders dropped when you remembered trying to frantically remove your necklace before Rei dragged you in the water.

Oh. My. Fucking. God.

That was the fastest you ran out of your hotel room, not having any thoughts to bring your phone or other personal belongings. You headed straight for the pool, praying to all the Gods above that you'd be able to find your necklace.

Searching frantically, you ran around the swimming pool area and tried to recall when you were still here, trying to retrace your steps. You've checked the perimeters of the pool, every single corner of all of the benches, each crevice you stumble upon, and yet there was nothing.

"Finding something?" a voice scared you and you jumped. You immediately turned around, a frown plastered across your face from the stress and then you realised who it was.

"Jake? What're you doing here?" you questioned, blinking awkwardly as you recalled your argument the previous day. You suddenly became fully conscious of the way you stood and looked, stiffening up as you pursed your lips.

"Couldn't sleep, need help?" he replied, dark eyebags obvious under his eyes.

You stared at him, slightly bewildered to the difference in his personality compared to the previous day. You recalled his words, feeling the same hurt again, and at the same time, thinking how you could avoid hurting him again.

"It's okay if you don't—" he was about to turn his back. "No!" you yelled, ducking down slightly and checking the area, hoping there weren't any teachers checking the area.

When you realised you were in the clear, you stood normally, "I need.. your help".

The facial expression on his face softened and he sighed, "What are you looking for?".

"My mom's necklace," you answered promptly, making him raise your eyebrows.

"The same one you mentioned that one time?"

"The exact same".

He gave you a reassuring look, silently letting you know that you weren't alone in finding it. You didn't know how to react to him suddenly acting different, but that was something out of your concerns. You needed the necklace before you leave.

The two of you checked the area again, on the tables, cabiets, near the benches, the perimeters of the pool, but absolutely nothing. You were stressed out, pulling your hair in frustration when he suddenly spoke up.

"Have you checked the water?"

You looked up at him and frowned, "No? Why would it—" and then you recalled that Rei dragged you into the pool, "Oh".

You puffed up your cheeks, "You're right".

He sat down on a nearby chair, "I'll wait for you to change and come back".

You raised an eyebrow at him, taking a step into the water, "What are you talking about? I'm going in now".

He looked slightly amused to see you step in with your pyjamas, following you inside afterwards. You were wearing your precious pyjamas, while he was wearing a normal top with basketball shorts.

You felt awkward because you weren't in the proper clothes to be in the pool, but you could care less. You had one goal and that was all that mattered. The two of you split up, taking different sides of the pool, but when you heard the sudden sloshing sound of water, you immediately turned to be met with the sight of Jake raising his hand in the air, with something metallic and shiny dangling from his hand.

"Bingo," he declared and you immediately ran (in water..) to him. Your eyes widened and weight was taken off of your shoulders, the constant ache in your chest from worry slowly disappearing.

"You found it?!" you asked a rhetorical question, your eyes never leaving your precious necklace. It was a necklace you've worn every single day and cherished because it was something your mother gave to you before she passed on.

"I did," he smiled at you.

You ran up to him, placing your hands on his chest, trying to take the necklace from his hand but he straightened his arm, making the necklace out of reach. You pouted at him as you tried to jump for it, which was practically impossible because your clothes were drenched and so heavy it was pulling you down, and his arms were too long.

You whined and he teased you back and forth, both of you laughing loudly. You both played in water, splashing each other and making waves as you tried to fight for your necklace.

It was almost like yesterday didn't happen. It was almost like he never asked you to stay away from him.

"God, Jake, give it back! I still need to finish up my packing!" you whined, a smile never leaving your face.

He gave a smug expression, "Okay, fine".

You waddled towards him to stand in front of him, and you watched him offer your necklace. You felt content, feeling satisfied after finding the thing you were so desperate to fnd, reaching your hand to grab onto it until he suddenly raised his hand up again.

You stumbled and fell forward, his hands immediately catching you and your hands landing on his chest as you tried to stabilise yourself. You blinked a couple of times, processing what had just happened before you slowly looked up to be met by his gaze.

Your faces were too close for comfort, and you only blinked at him. Your face grew more red by the second as you understood what was happening, and you wanted to step backwards, but you were frozen.

His jaw clenched as he stared at you, feeling flabbergasted as well. He slowly lowered his arm, your necklace just dangling next to his face. You bit your lip and gently took the necklace from his hand, and he didn't resist at all.

"Uhm," you looked away and scratched your neck, "Thanks".

Your eyes wandered back to his again, only to see the same expression on his face and you immediately felt nervous, so you wanted to make your leave.

"Well, uhm, thanks, I'll be—" you turned your back but he quickly grabbed your hand, preventing you from turning further.

"Don't.." his voice came out as a soft whisper, "Don't go".

You slowly turned back, seeing his pleading expression and all the thoughts about leaving the pool left your head.

"I'm sorry," he said in the midst of nowhere, catching you when you were unguarded, "I said things yesterday, and I said it because I was.. out of it.

Your gaze remained on him, watching how his eyes flicker from left to right as he felt regretful. You sucked your inner cheek, feeling guilty, "No, you were right".

There was silence, the only sounds audible is the sound of water slowly flowing and crickets. You noticed how his eyes flickered to your lips, his grip on your waist tightening. The space between the two of you was basically non-existent, the tension in the air growing stronger to the point you couldn't just walk away without doing anything.

He licked his lips, and you watched the way his tongue runs across his lip. His mouth parts and your eyes meet his again, sensing the desperation and need in his eyes. Your arms snake around his neck, and both of your faces leaned in closer, your foreheads resting on each other.

You slowly closed your eyes, leaning in until you heard a loud shout.

"WHO'S THERE?!"

The two of you immediately came back to reality, your heads turning rapidly as you tried to scan the area and detect where that sound was from.

"Shit, shit shit! Go go go!" he panicked, holding your hand and dragging you out of the pool. You followed along, running as fast as you can even with the pyjamas slowing you down, running into the hotel and drenching the carpet with all the water dripping.

You two laughed as you run across the halls, the trail of water being left as your mark, hearing the teacher run after you. The two of you ran up the stairs, deciding that the lift would screw the both of you over, and when you reached your level, you tugged on Jake's hand.

"This is my floor!" you announced and he grinned at you, panting.

"Okay, go now, g'nite!" he let go of your hand and continued to climb the stairs, the sounds of the teacher rushing up the stairs echoing through the entire staircase, and you immediately opened the door on your floor that led to the hallways, making it to your room and opening the door swiftly.

You shut the door locked, your back pressed up against your door as you stayed silent, trying to listen for any signs of the teacher outside, After a period of time, you concluded that you were in the clear.

It was literally 1AM, and you were in your pyjamas, drenched and literally dripping. You sighed as you immediately made your way to your bathroom to take a shower after ensuring your necklace was kept in a safe spot.

Did last night really just happen? Was it a dream? Was the way he looked at you real? Was the way he leaned in genuine? Were you two about to kiss? What would've happened if you two kissed? Would it all be real—

"Y/N!" a voice snapped you out of your day dream. Jaehyun frowned, folding his arms as he positioned himself directly in front of you, "I've said your name 5 times, and you still can't hear me! Are you okay?!".

You huffed out air, scratching your neck, suddenly fully conscious of your surroundings. "Sorry 'bout that.." you puffed up your cheeks and eyes wandered around, hoping to catch one person.

"I swear, Y/N has completely flipped, the person she was before this trip...." Sungho started, but his voice slowly started to fade out in your ears when your eyes finally land on him.

Jake was smiling as per usual, as if nothing had happened last night, and your chest ached slightly at the sight, making you question if it was only you feeling confused about the whole situation. You wanted to approach him, confront him, but a part of you wished he did it first.

You cleared your throat, shaking the thoughts away as you tried to forget about it. Maybe you'll get a chance to talk to him before you board, or when you're on the plane. Definitely.

"Who're you looking for?" Woonhak questioned, and you immediately shook your hands as if you'd just gotten caught.

"No one!" you defended yourself, your voice high pitched and Woonhak nodded, looking away. He knew you were lying but he didn't want to push it.

Everyone was collecting their luggages, but for some reason, even before, during, and after the 7 hour flight, you have not seen him at all. You haven't gotten the chance to talk to him at all, and it was driving you mad.

You couldn't bring yourself to ask anyone else, because you knew it would just be endless teasing until you die, so you kept it to yourself, hoping a miracle would happen and that he'd be right in front of you.

But nothing.

Next place you'd look to find him? Work. But even so..

"Ah, hey Y/N! You're back! Just wanted to know we opened a new outlet in the other area and we already planned to shift you there!"

Next place..? The dating app.

But you tried searching his user, finding your old chats, but it was all missing. Absolutely no traces of him.

Maybe it was fate for you to forget him. I mean, what can be so hard about it, right? You've already hated his guts, wishing the worst for him, but at the same time, you remembered the image of him leaning in, making you shudder and kick your legs in confusion.

You screamed into your pillow, hoping that you could just forget him and the things you've done for the past few months. Maybe you shouldn't have met him, or downloaded that stupid app. If not everything would've been okay.

"Ah, Y/N? That's such a lovely name!" the male sitting the opposite of you complimented, and you gave a small smile.

You decided that dating apps do work, and that Jake wasn't really that special, right? If Jake had been implanted in your mind, it can be the same for other people you meet! Or so you thought.

You were fiddling with your fingers, looking through your bag for a non-existent item, going through your phone when you were literally on a date, and worst of all — you wished it was Jake sitting in front of you.

You hated him? Maybe, but did you wish for his presence? Definitely.

The male in front of you started talking about himself, showing off his status and wealthiness, and you nodded repeatedly to show you were physically listening, but your mind was somewhere else.

That was when you suddenly felt a grip on your wrist and a strong tug, making you gasp loudly and shoot your eyes towards the person who was pulling onto you.

"Jake?! What are you—"

"Sorry bro, she's booked by me," Jake faced your date and patted the guy's back, who's jaw was dropped. Poor boy.

Jake dragged you out after you finished packing up your things in a swift, and as soon as you were outside, you snatched your wrist back, frowning at him and giving him a snarky look.

"What do you think you're doing?!" you snapped, feeling completely taken-aback by his rude appearance. You just wanted to run back in and apologise to your date for Jake's rudeness.

"Saving you, what do you think?" he replied sarcastically, raising his eyebrows at you. He continued, "And also, you're willing to go on a date with that.. dude? And you can't even meet up with me?".

"What do you mean saving?! And you make my date sound like he's a bad guy or something! I'm going to apologis—" you scolded, turning your back to walk back in until he held your wrist again.

"Nah—uh, you're staying here with me. I paid for the bill already, ordered a few extra drinks for the man, so you have nothing to apologise for," he voiced out.

You turned back to face him again, "Okay?! But that doesn't change the fact that I'm just rudely leaving him?!".

"Why does that matter? You're never gonna see him again," he asserted, and you glared at him.

"How do you know that, huh?"

"Because I'm here."

You scoffed as you snatched your wrist again, folding your arms, "You've been gone from my life for a while, and you're suddenly here and you still have the audacity to think that I still like you?!".

"So you admit you liked me?" he smiled.

"Not the fucking point."

He sighed and folded his arms, pacing in a small circle before his eyes settled back on you. He spoke, "If you don't want me to take you on a date right now, walk back in," he raised up his hand, "I'll give you 5 seconds".

"5" "4" "3" "2"

He looked at you, the amusement in his face never leaving.

"1"

And he finally closed all his fingers, the smile on his face widening. He extended his hand, gesturing for you to take it, "Let's go on a real date now, shall we?".

You silently took his hand, the frown still on your face, "I thought you ghosted me".

"Well, taste of your own fucking medicine, no?".

You and him did so many things together, and you could finally say that you were having a good time, unlike when you were having that dinner date with the other boy. You were laughing like there was no tomorrow, running around as he chased you down and tickled you when he caught you.

He kept telling you things like "This is what I wanted to do when I asked you to go out" which made your heart flutter, but he always had to add salt to the wound by saying something cold like "But someone felt the need to avoid me".

You and him ran up the staircase of the building, barging the door open where you were met with the night view. The rooftop was chilly, the cold wind blowing and Jake closed the door behind the two of you. You were in awe when you saw the stars in the sky, the sky looking so bright, more than you could've imagined.

"Say," he broke the silence, "Since I trust you won't run away now, could I ask of you to do the thing I've been wanting to do the most ever since?".

You glanced at him, puzzled to what he was referring to, but you saw him offer his hand. Still confused to what he was referring to, you took his hand in hopes he'd give you context.

"Let's dance," he asked and you were flabbergasted.

"So suddenly?" you choked, "But we have no music!".

"So what?" he twirled you around, his hands finding comfort in your waist afterwards.

You frowned at him, raising an eyebrow at him, "If someone thinks we're crazy, I'm going to blame you".

He scoffed and rolled his eyes, "Okay, sure whatever".

It started to quietten down as the two of you start to focus on each other, eye contact never breaking as he started to initiate the dance. The dance was.. slow. He took small steps, making it easier for you to follow along and when you accidentally tripped on his shoe, he quickly caught you, his hands around your waist. You were feeling doubtful of yourself, but he gave you a reassuring smile which gave you the courage to continue.

He slowly started to speed up as you started to get the hang of it, your body starting to feel less awkward and moving with the flow. You started to feel comfortable, the thought of someone suddenly coming to the rooftop and judging the two of you disappearing.

He twirled you around, the grin on his face never-leaving as he watched you. You were so sure he could hear your heart beat from how fast it was beating, and you teasingly stuck your tongue out at him, earning a loud chuckle which broke the silence.

The two of your bodies moved along with each other, your rhythms matching each others' even if there was no music to cue the both of you. He moved passionately with you, and you felt like you could do this all night.

Your eyes left his for a second to glance at the sky once again, and although you could see this every night, for some reason it seemed like the stars were shining brighter.

The stars seemed brighter, the sky looked prettier, and the moon's glow looked more ethereal.

"Hey," he broke the silence.

Your eyes fell back on his, curiosity filling you, "What?".

"You're more fun when you don't run away," he confessed.

He wasn't being mean or mocking you. He was being honest. Genuine.

You stared at him in awe, being lost in his gaze.

"Can I kiss you?" he asked you, making your smile drop.

"What?" you muttered out, being caught off-guard that he asked such question. You were surprised that he'd ask you that out of the blue, but instead of feeling the need to push him and run away, you stayed on the spot and stared at him.

"I know you heard me," he stopped his tracks as well, the two of you now just standing and staring at each other.

You blinked at him, not believing what is about to happen. You suddenly remembered the time at the swimming pool, and your face turned red.

"Oh-ho, the moonlight isn't helping you!" he pointed at you, "I can see you blush!".

Your jaw dropped and your arms releases from his neck, cupping your cheeks and feeling your cheeks physically become hot. You avoided his gaze and turned your head from side to side, feeling nervous.

"I—" you muttered, only forming incoherent words.

His teasing made you feel embarrased, and you wanted to run to a corner to prepare yourself, but before you could turn away, he held your hands, "Nah-uh, I literally just complimented you for not running away".

You licked your lips, avoiding his gaze as you allowed him to inspect your face further, feeling more conscious of yourself.

"Look at me, please," he pleaded, and after a few seconds of building courage, you finally looked at him and saw vulnerability and love in his eyes.

"I'll ask again, okay?" he stated, "Actually no, I won't even ask—". He declared, "I want to kiss you".

Your eyes widened and your face grew even more red, the tips of your ears starting to become red as well.

"If you want to kiss me too, please say it too," he softly whispered, his eyebrows furrowing upwards as he grew more nervous to see how you'd respond.

"I.." your voice was quiet, "want to kiss you too..".

His eyes widened, and before you knew it, his lips clashed onto yours.

The kiss was slow and patient, as if he was being patient with you. It was similar to how he's been patient with you this entire time when you've been ghosting and pushing him away. You were awkward at first, feeling afraid and wanting to just disappear, but when he pulled you closer to him, it was almost like he was reassuring that he won't run away and hurt you.

You finally gave in, letting yourself loose after keeping your guard up for so long. The kiss felt heavenly, and it felt like a huge weigh on your back was finally removed. Your face grew even more red and your heart was beating more rapidly, your hands turning into fists as you fought the urge to push him away.

His lips felt like heaven. It was so comforting, and the way his lips moved with yours was perfect. He tilted your neck and snuck his tongue in after you finally started to kiss him back, earning a soft gasp from you. He explored the depths of your mouth, making you let out a moan.

Upon hearing your moan, he froze and instantly pulled back, "Did you just.. moan?".

"Shut the fuck up!"

He laughed out loud and you felt so irritated at his teasing, making you raise your fist. Seeing your raised fist was his cue to start running, and you chased him around, throwing curse words and threatening him that if you ever caught him, he'd be dead.

Originally, this was how you pushed him away, but in the end after you've confronted your feelings, this is how you pull him closer —no more running away, embracing and confronting the connection you both shared.

extra note : dare i say this is inspired by a real life experience except it wasnt fun and thrilling like this and i ghosted him after like 1.5 days lol

taglist @cutehoons02 @vixialuvs @jvngw0nlvr @ikeulove @addictedtohobi @miszes

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

@amyslunaticasylum

I cannot emphasize enough that the stuff I end up saying on this blog is such a small portion of what my wife has to deal with me saying around the house. The fun part of being slightly psychotic (diagnosed) and also largely unable to think in your head is all the wild ass things you think usually just come out before you realize that you're vocalizing, and with a little bit of performance energy you can basically just convince everyone that you're just very interesting and fun to be around. Sometimes we'll be watching tv and wifey will comment on the characters and my response will be so deranged that she'll drag me on her twitter before god and everyone, and other times she's just like "no, you know what, i did know from the start that i was putting my strap in crazy when we met, i really can't blame anyone else for this" so that probably covers "unhinged"

As far as "kinda hot" goes, well.

There's a reason wifey has to be REMINDED not to stick her strap in crazy, and I have to assume it has something to do with the fact that my favorite game to play in bed is "how many times in a row can I make you come before you black out?"

Turns out the answer is "single digits".

I think it's very funny that my gender is "leather and topsoil" and my sexuality is "fuck me like you want me dead" and the outcome of this has been a littany of deeply toxic girlfriends, one boytoy who was unfortunately a very gentle lover, and my wife who likes to get facefucked while high.

Realistically, I can't be trusted to date, and it's probably a good thing I got wifey tied down when I did.

[cosmickid-inmotion]

Safe With Me

Eddie Brock x fem!reader (Some Venom x reader)

Join my taglist : Masterlist

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Summary: You open up to Eddie about being sexually assaulted. He takes care of it.

Warnings: mentions of past sexual violence. Actually literal violence lol but its okay because he's a bad guy. talking about how hard it is to report and victim blaming.

dividers by @kodaswrld

************

Eddie held you close on the couch, letting you tell you're story the way you wanted to. You sat straddled on his lap, resting your head on his shoulder because you said this made you feel extra safe. Like he was all around you. Sometimes, if things were extra rough, venom would come out like a blanket of sorts around you, wrapping you up in his warmth. Today, you thought it might be overwhelming.

Eddie knew something had happened to you, the way you were skiddish when you first started dating. And not that he was complaining, but it was a little odd to wait 2 months to have sex. Still, that was your choice and you were worth waiting.

He wasn't an idiot, he could read the signs in your behavior, so he made sure you're first time together was filled with the most explicate consent you could dream of, and was always conscious of your non-verbal ques in bed. Eddie liked to think he was always the kind of guy to pay attention to that, but with you, he was extra certain.

As he got to know you, you made passing references of a bad past, and he let you know he was ready to listen when you were ready to talk, but you were a private person and wanted to wait. You and him talked about exes, and nothing stood out.

Finally, a few months in, you and him were having a movie night. Rewatching your favorite Disney princess movie Eddie was nice enough to indulge you in and Venom was thoroughly enjoying, when you pause it.

"Can I talk to you?"

At first Eddie thought you were about to dump him, but when you looked at him with sad eyes, he knew it was something more serious.

You sniffle against his wet sleeve. "That's it, I guess..." You said as you finish telling the story. "I know, *sniff* i should've reported it but... I dunno this was when 50 Shades was coming out and I was afraid he'd say I just liked it r-rough..." A fresh little bought of tears come, and Eddie is quick to rub your back in comfort.

"Ah, shit, hey now... I know it ain't like that..." He presses a gentle kiss to your hair. "We believe you, baby. Trust me, I'm not tryna scare no one away from reporting, but man... it can be fucking brutal."

You nod against him. "And, and I was just barely having sex, you know? The idea of a stranger doing the rape kit, having to tell a hundred different people what happened knowing they don't believe me... and I couldn't really prove I'd said no... and god, having to tell my parents?!?! I couldn't do it Eddie! i just couldn't do it!"

"Shhhh, shhhh... it's okay, I know, I know... you made the best choice for yourself."

You sit up, rubbing your red and puffy eyes. "Now I see colleges have this thing, well, some of them, the You Have Options Program where you can report and choose the level. Like if you want to report but not press charges, or you aren't sure if you want to press charges but they can gather evidence... or maybe you just want something on record incase they offend again, you know?"

"That's good, that's real good baby. i think they'll help a lot of people." As a journalist, Eddie had reported on many rape cases, or times people had tried to cover up sexual abuse of different kinds. he'd seen many young girls crying, expressing the same feelings you had. He knew better than to say 'it's not your fault' even if he still had the urge. Instead, he thumbed away a tear as you looked down at him. "We believe you, we don't think any differently of you, okay? We're here to help you."

You smile at him, fondness in your eyes. "Thanks for listening, Edide. And Venom." You lean down and give him a chaste kiss on his plush lips. "I love you."

"I love you too."

The next day...

Eddie is furiously typing on his laptop while you're at work.

"Okay, so she said college, he went to college with her."

Venom excitedly shouts out the name of your old school, happy he remembered, but Eddie shook his head, frustrated. "That's a big fucking school buddy, we need to narrow this down." he pulled up school records. "She said they were in theater, right?"

"YES! AND HE WAS IN HER SPANSIH CLASS!"

"Right! Fuck yeah! and she took Spanish her freshman year because she wanted to 'get it out of the way'. Okay I can narrow down the year, look up students who took Spanish that semester... then i just gott pull up the theater pamphlet... she said he was an actor... alright, now we just gotta cross reference the names of people who acted in that production with spanish class students..."

10 minutes later they had a match.

Pulling him up, he matched the description of the student to a T. He would have a senior at the time, same hair, skin tone, facial features...

"Now, we just gotta find him."

That didn't take long either. Eddie was able to find everything he needed. His job, his home address, everything was right there.

That night, he gave you a little kiss on the forehead as he left for the night. He told you he had something to investigate for work, and you didn't ask any questions.

"And you're sure you don't wanna come over after you're done?" You give him a pout. He hated to leave you alone, everything you'd trusted him with made him just want to watch over you all the time... but who knew how messy this would get?

"I might be out late baby, i don't wanna wake yuh at 4 am. I'll bring you lunch tomorrow, how 'bout that?"

that makes you smile. Food usually did.

"Okay. Lunch tomorrow it is."

The house was way too nice for someone like him, someone who hurt innocent younger girls. He was a corporate executive too, and Eddie was sickened to find he'd had a string of bad luck keeping assistants and interns, no doubt preying on more vulnerable young girls, using his power to keep them complacent. Men like that never changed. He wasn't gonna feel bad.

The light turned on the the living kitchen, revealing where Eddie sat drinking his expensive whiskey.

"Your security is shit, man."

He looked shocked, dropping his briefcase and freezing in fear. Eddie figured its not often he's the powerless one. He was going to let him cook in his adrenalin.

"Whatever you want, you can have it."

But Eddie just shook his head, standing up. "I don't want nothing here but you."

"i have-"

Eddie interrupted him with your name, "Remember her? Freshman girl you raped in college? Or does that not narrow it down enough?"

He chuckled nervously, raising his hands and backing up. "Listen man, you her husband? i don't know what she told you, but i swear to god she wanted it."

"Shut the hell up."

"Begged me for it!"

"Oh yeah? That why she had a black eye and a busted lip after?"

"Hey," he shrugged, trying to play it cool like he wasn't about to dash for the door. "What can I say, she liked it rou-" His words turned into a scream as Venom took over the body, biting off his head before he could say another word about you.

Eddie's face popped from behind the goo. "Venom! i had a whole speech planned!"

"TOO LATE! I was tired of him talking!"

He rolled his eyes but hey, what could he do about it now? Nothing. At least the asshole was dead, couldn't hurt anymore women.

The next day, at lunch time...

Baby <3: Meet me at my place, I went home early.

Eddie Boo: Everything okay?

Baby <3: Just come please?

When Eddie let himself into you're apartment to find you sitting on the couch with your arms crossed, eyes wet.

"baby, are you oke-"

"Do you want to explain to me why, a few days after I tell you I was raped, he ends up dead with his head ripped off?"

Eddie blinked. "Uhhhh.... coincidence?"

You stand, walking over to him. "Venom, got anything to say to me?"

Venoms head popped out behind Eddie. "WE ARE NOT SORRY AND HE TASTED DELICIOUS!"

"Venom!" You gently flick him. "Eddie, why would you do that?"

"Ahhh, come on baby, you know he deserved it! I'm not gonna apoligize for killing a rapist, and i don't feel bad!"

Eddie watched your face soften, lip quivering a bit. "I know. I know he deserved it I just... it's just a lot, right now..."

"Ohhh baby...." Eddie took you into his arms as you began to cry again. "Do you feel guilty? Is that it? Cause this was all me, nothing to do with you."

You sob into his strong chest. "I can't believe you love me this much."

His heart almost broke at that. "Of course I do! baby, don't you know we'd do anything for you? We'd break a guys finger off for look'n at yuh wrong, of course we'd kill for you."

Eddie scooped you up, carrying you over to the couch where he sat you down on his lap. "You're gonna be safe with us, always. You know that don't you? We're always gonna protect you. never gonna have to worry about anything again."

"LETHAL PROTECTOR!"

You chuckle in his arms, and Eddie holds you close. "Yeah, the lethal protector. No ones ever gonna hurt you like that again."

OKAY THIS IS MY FIRST TIME WRITING EDDIE/VENOM

Anyway!!!! thanks for reading!!!! i love fics were rapists die so I thought eddie was appropriate! I saw venom for the first time at the start of the month, literally watched one and two the day before i went to see three in theaters. CRIED

if anyone has any good eddie series, something quality im looking for a masterpiece here! eddie/venom is 100% welcome! so is gay shit.

If you are new to my blog just coming in from this fic, I mostly write Logan Howlett, and oscar isaac/pedro pascal characters. Mostly fem! reader but i like to dabble in other stuff, like trans readers or trans characters, lots of gay shit.

Anyway, hi if you're new!

Have a great day!

I wrote this after already writing a chapter of rooms on fire, and after doing a bunch of homework AND battling bronchitis soooooo plz be patient my writing isnt the best in the first place, i type and spell very badly.

[ak319]

Haii!, I really like your Arthur Morgan series and I've also read it several times and it's not boring at all!🫶🏻

Can I make a request? If so, can you make the reader jealous because Arthur is close to Mary Beth?🫶🏻 (Arthur and the reader's relationship is not platonic!)

(AN: Tsym! Remind me why we making Y/n suffer again? PS: I'm terrible at writing jealousy shit ngl and I legit dunno why. AND THATS LIT WHAT YALL KEPT ASKING FOR-😭☠) Hope yall enjoy reading lol)

Warnings/MDNI: None, just angst and then fluff to soothe your asses-

You were by the lake, lazily washing clothes. The day had you feeling sluggish, and the pleasant weather didn’t exactly help motivate you. The water was just the right temperature, cool enough to refresh but warm enough to keep you rooted in place. You should really pick up the pace, finish up, and grab some tea--or coffee--or a well-deserved break.

The faint hum of camp activity behind you was oddly comforting, a soothing backdrop to your thoughts. That is until you heard footsteps crunching on the gravel, quick and impatient, followed by a sharp curse.

“Dammit! I’ve been lookin’ everywhere for you, girl.”

You glanced over your shoulder, grinning as Molly stormed up to you, her face a mix of exasperation and something else you couldn’t quite place.

“For God’s sake, Molly, you know my Tuesday routine by now,” you teased, tossing a wet shirt into the basket beside you. “It’s not like this camp is big enough to lose someone. Honestly, I think you’re just bad at looking.”

She didn’t laugh. Not even a crack of a smile. Instead, she stood there, arms crossed, her expression tight with barely-contained frustration. You paused mid-scrub, a curious eyebrow raised.

“What’s gotten into you? You look ready to murder someone.”

“Oh, sure,” she snapped, voice dripping with sarcasm. “Leave it to ever-so-clueless (Y/N) to not notice a damn thing going on around her.” She gestured wildly toward the camp as though you were missing some grand spectacle.

You blinked, thoroughly confused. “What the hell are you on about?”

Her eyes narrowed, and for a moment, she hesitated as if debating whether you were even worth the explanation. Then, with a dramatic huff, she took a step closer, glaring down at you like you’d personally wronged her.

“Let me spell it out for you. Do I even bother tellin’ you what’s happening? Or should I just assume it won’t make a difference because your ‘dearest cold heart’ won’t care? Or worse, you’ll just laugh it off like you always do!”

Your hands stilled in the water, the soap slipping through your fingers. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

"Y’know, what I just heard and saw?” Molly huffed, throwing her hands in the air for emphasis. “Mr. Arthur Morgan, having a chat with Mary-Beth. Mary-Beth! That same snake who’s all over Dutch, and now, apparently, your man, (Y/N)!”

Her voice rose with each word, and you blinked, caught completely off guard. She leaned in, her eyes narrowing as if trying to gauge your reaction. “I swear to God, she was asking him to buy her another one of those silly romance books for her lovesick brain. I mean, why Arthur, huh? Why doesn’t she go pester Kieran’s ass instead?”

Hearing her rant, you stood up, gripping the damp shirt in your hands as you processed her words. “Wh--sounds like a friendly chat to me, Molly,” you said, trying to brush it off with a shrug. “I mean, Arthur brings stuff for everyone. He goes out the most, doesn’t he? And, well, Kieran… he’s not exactly allowed far from camp neither he can afford anything right now. They still don’t trust him, y’know. And Arthur, he’s like a brother to Mary-Beth-"

“Don’t even start with that ‘brother’ shit, (Y/N),” Molly snapped, cutting you off. “It's just a facade.”

Your mouth fell open, heat rushing to your face at the implication. Uncertainty clawed at your chest as you tried to stammer a response, but she wasn’t done. Molly’s jealousy toward Mary Beth only seemed to fuel her fire, her words coming quicker now, sharp and biting.

“And don’t act like it couldn’t happen. You think she doesn’t see how kind he is to you? How he looks at you when he thinks no one’s watching? Oh, she sees it. And she’d snatch him up the moment she gets the chance.”

You clenched your jaw, her words making you shift uncomfortably. Sure, you trusted Arthur, but the venom in Molly’s tone, the way her words seemed to twist around your insecurities, left you feeling just the slightest bit unsteady.

"Did he even say goodbye to you before he sprang into action?” Molly pressed, her voice softer now, almost pitying. “And the other day, weren’t you telling me you needed some cream for your hands? You even told him, and look, just look at your hands.”

Her gaze dropped to your chapped and reddened fingers, and you instinctively tried to wipe them dry on your skirt, as if that would somehow make them better. Her words were digging deeper now, clawing at something vulnerable in you. Did he forget to bring it? Or worse, did he not care enough to remember? Had your wishes, his woman’s wishes, stopped mattering to him altogether?

“This is bullshit, you should have run away with that pen pal of yours, to be honest when you had the chance,” Molly muttered, crossing her arms. “You didn’t listen to me when I told you she’s after Dutch. And now she’s after both! I swear, those books she reads must be teaching her these tactics. Manipulative little-"

“I--y’know what?” you cut her off, your voice suddenly firm as your gaze drifted to the camp, your eyes narrowing.

“What?” Molly asked, surprised by your sudden shift in tone.

“Let’s just go,” you said, your voice laced with resolve.

“Go where?”

“Town.”

Without waiting for her to argue, you kicked the bucket of soapy water, sending it tumbling into the river, the suds spilling out and disappearing downstream. The laundry lay abandoned on the grass as you turned and marched toward the stables, Molly following close behind.

Damn everyone, then.

❀˖°

Arthur returned to camp, expecting to find you in his tent as usual. But when he stepped inside, the familiar space felt oddly empty. A frown tugged at his lips.

"Hey... um, Sadie?" he called out, spotting her near the campfire. "You seen (Y/N)?"

Sadie glanced up from sharpening her knife. "Oh, yeah. She and Molly went to town."

"What?!" The word escaped him before he could stop it, his voice louder than he intended. Clearing his throat, he muttered a quick, “Thanks,” and walked back to his tent, feeling heat rise to his face. He slumped down onto his cot with a heavy sigh, running a hand through his hair.

You know how he felt about you going far from camp without him, even if you were with one of the girls. It wasn’t a matter of trust, it was fear.

And still you did.

There were too many dangers out there, too many things that could go wrong, and the thought of you out there without him stirred a storm in his chest.

It was 5 p.m., the time when you two usually sat together to talk about your day over supper. The time he looked forward to most whenever he was at camp. And now? He sat there, staring at the flap of his tent, the minutes ticking by painfully slow.

But what bothered him more was why you’d gone. And with Molly, of all people. It wasn’t that he didn’t like her, he didn’t have a problem with her, not really. But something about the way you two were together always set him on edge.

He’d told you how he felt about it once. About how Molly seemed to lean on you a little too much, how her sadness and drama sometimes seemed to pull you down with her. But of course, you’d defended her, saying you couldn’t just turn your back on your best friend. That Molly found her only comfort in your company.

And you were right. He knew you were. But that didn’t make it any easier to sit here, waiting, imagining where you were and what could happen.

Arthur let out a frustrated sigh, his appetite gone. Instead of heading to the campfire for supper, he threw himself onto his cot, pulling his hat over his face in an attempt to block out the growing worry gnawing at his chest.

But even with his eyes closed, he couldn’t shake the unease. Images of you and Molly wandering through town, far from the safety of camp, flickered in his mind. He trusted you, of course, but the world out there? That was another story entirely.

“Damn woman never listens to me,” he muttered under his breath, his voice tinged with equal parts frustration and concern.

Sleep didn’t come easily, and even as he tried to rest, he knew one thing for certain, when you came back, this was a conversation he wasn’t going to let slide.

❀˖°

Arthur woke with a start, roused by Bill’s loud guffaw somewhere in the camp. With a groan, he rubbed his face, taking a moment to shake off the haze of sleep and piece together his scattered thoughts. Then it hit him, the memory of you leaving with Molly, and the worry twisted sharply in his chest again.

He pushed himself up with a sigh, his body stiff from the restless nap. Moving through camp, he glanced around, hoping, praying, to catch sight of you. But there was nothing. No sign of you or Molly.

He considered asking Dutch, but dismissed the thought just as quickly. Dutch would likely know even less than he did, and Arthur wasn’t in the mood for meaningless chatter.

Back at his tent, he sat on the edge of his cot, pulling out his journal in an attempt to distract himself. The flap of the tent was open, giving him a clear view of camp, but his eyes kept flickering toward it, waiting for you to appear.

His stomach growled, but he ignored it. He wasn’t going to eat, not until you came back, served the meal, and sat down beside him. That was how it went. That was how it had to go.

He was about to get up and go to find both of you himself when-

"Um, Arthur?" Abigail’s voice broke through his brooding. She appeared by the flap of his tent, holding a coffee pot. "There’s some coffee left, and I’ve got to wash the pot, would you like a cup?"

He shook his head, barely sparing her a glance. "Why’d they go to town?"

"Molly and (Y/N)?" Abigail tilted her head, her tone casual. "Oh, they’ve been back. Got back about half an hour ago. They’re in my tent, just hanging out."

Arthur blinked, first in shock, then confusion, which quickly morphed into anger. Half an hour? You’d been back for that long and hadn’t even bothered to come see him? Not even a word after being gone all day?

He shut his journal with a snap, the sound echoing his rising temper, and stood. The muffled chatter coming from Abigail’s tent grated on his nerves as he stalked toward it, each step heavier than the last.

What the hell was going on with you?

He cleared his throat outside the tent before pushing the flap open, only to find you and Molly sitting cross-legged, enjoying supper.

"Where were you? I was waiting for you."

You swallowed your bite, not bothering to look up at him. "Needed a few important things from town, actually, so I had to go."

Arthur’s jaw tightened. "Can you come with me? I want to talk."

"I’m already talking to Molly," you replied, your tone curt, still avoiding his gaze.

Damn it. Why the hell weren’t you even looking at him? That gnawing frustration in his chest boiled over. He had enough of this.

"I said, Come. With. Me." he demanded, his voice low but firm, the tone sharper than he intended.

Your head snapped up, eyes glaring at him with such intensity that, for a moment, he regretted using that tone. Hell, he’d be lying if he said it didn’t scare him just a little.

"Oh, excuse me, Mister. Don’t you dare order me around like a maid, alright? I sit, talk, and walk when I want to. And right now? I don’t want to. Now go away, we’re busy."

Arthur ignored Molly’s taunting scoff, still fixated on you. Something about this--about you--just didn’t sit right.

"I’m sorry, okay? I’m just hungry. I was waiting for you... Can we eat now?" Arthur’s chest tightened, guilt creeping in. He rubbed the back of his neck, his anger softening. "...I was just worried as hell."

Hell, I still am.

But you didn’t let it go. "I’ve already eaten, and I didn’t ask you to wait for me. There are plenty of people around here you can share your meal with, Arthur. Plenty."

You turned your attention back to Molly, flashing her a rueful grin with your hair covering your face but he definitely caught it.

The Irishwoman gave you a knowing smile, her voice full of mischief. "Oh, girl, there’s always someone around."

This is how it's gonna be huh?

His first instinct was to walk away, but no. Arthur wasn’t the type to run from problems. With one swift movement, he grabbed your arm and dragged you out and behind the tent, just past the tree line. He stared down at you, his expression a mix of annoyance and desperation.

"What the hell is that all about?! And you know I hate it when you go out alone-"

"I don’t care! I don’t care anymore!" you snapped, your voice shaking with anger. "I hate going out for some petty stuff too, which, by the way, I clearly asked you to get, and you forgot! I guess books are more important than me, huh?."

Arthur’s chest tightened. He rarely saw this side of you ever since you both got together, the frustration, the hurt, the coldness. "See, this is the problem," you continued, your voice rising. "When men find someone vulnerable enough to control, to fix, they get bored. Then they move on, find someone else to repeat the same damn cycle. Am I right?"

His mouth went dry. The words cut deep. But what hurt him the most was the thought that maybe... maybe you believed that.

He wasn’t asking for much, was he? Three meals with you, a cup of coffee, that was it. Simple things that made him feel like you cared. That made him feel loved. But you didn’t... or did you?

The silence between you two was deafening as he tried to process what you said.

"What are you talking about?" Arthur started, his frustration mounting. "See, this is why I don’t like when you and Molly-"

"Oh, no, no, no. Shush. Don’t you dare," you interrupted, your voice sharp, but there was a deep hurt behind it. "She’s always been right, Arthur. I was the dumb one. I’ve been working my ass off for you, and you didn’t even bother to say goodbye this morning, huh?"

Arthur froze, guilt beginning to gnaw at him. He wasn’t ready for this. "You know, I had a chance to leave this life, you know exactly who I’m talking about. But I didn’t. I chose you. But if I’m just gonna be sidelined like this? Nuh-uh. My ego doesn’t allow it. Nobody gets to disrespect me like that."

You took a deep breath, eyes blazing. "If you don’t want me anymore, then say it. Don’t play these stupid-ass games with me. I’m not Molly, not when it comes to this."

Arthur’s stomach dropped as the weight of your words settled in. He could feel the hurt radiating off of you, the betrayal that had built up. And now it made sense. Molly had probably warned you, just like she always did. He could almost hear her saying it a dozen times in the morning,

'Don’t let him treat you like that, they are all shit.'

"There is NOTHING like that, woman!" Arthur snapped, his voice rising in frustration. "Is that what this is about? You’re ready to just forget, hell, even think like this over a misunderstanding?"

"Call it whatever you want," you replied coldly, not backing down. "But not gonna lie, the pattern makes sense now, Arthur."

He took a step back, trying to steady his breath, forcing himself to calm down. "Don’t say that... c’mon. You know it’s not true! She’s like a sister to me! For God’s sake, how can you even think--"

Without another word, you grabbed his satchel, the leather creaking in your grip, and flipped it upside down. A book slid out and thudded onto the ground.

Arthur froze, his eyes darting to the book, then to the scattered contents of his bag. He watched, his heart sinking, as you threw the satchel aside in disgust. "Bravo," you muttered, the bitterness in your voice sharper than a knife.

"Don't even bother explaining. I’m tired." You began to walk away, but before you could get far, Arthur grabbed your wrist.

"Don't you dare, no way you’re... sleeping away from me." His voice started strong, then faltered into a desperate plea, but you didn’t turn around. With a sharp jerk, you freed your hand from his grasp and continued walking.

Arthur stood there for a moment, his breath heavy as he watched you leave. With a defeated sigh, he bent down to gather the scattered contents of his satchel. Tilly approached, offering to help, but he shrugged her off with a tired wave and handed the book over to Mary-Beth, who was standing a few feet away, her face filled with guilt and sadness. His hand lingered in his pocket for a moment, pulling out the cream he had meant to bring you, adding it to the pile with a sharp scoff.

His posture was slumped, his movements slow and burdened. He didn’t need to say anything, his body language alone was enough to tell Tilly, Mary-Beth, and anyone else watching that this sulking would last for days, and you... you weren’t someone who accepted apologies easily.

❀˖°

And that’s exactly what happened. Arthur waited every day, hoping you would just come, sit with him, and listen. He longed for you to let him explain, to sort things out, so he could hold you in his arms again. Dammit. He missed you at night like a child misses their favorite doll.

But you weren’t just any doll.

You were his doll.

And when it came to you, he was nothing but a man-child.

Everybody knew his routine, the gang enforcer's routine. Simple, predictable. Come back, chat a little, handle his business, talk and eat with you, then the tent flaps closed, just the two of you, a world away from the chaos of the camp.

But now?

Come back, brood in one corner, pace to another, sleep with the flaps wide open.

Arthur’s mood soured every time he saw you doing something that wasn’t just being with him. Chores, errands, anything that took you away, even for a moment, made him restless, agitated. He needed you with him, in the tent, with the flaps closed, where he could hold you, even if it was just in the silence of the night.

Every night, he asked you to come with him. But you ignored him. Yet, he kept asking, unable to stop the desperate hope that you’d return, that you’d see it the way he did.

"Damnit. Damn stubborn ass woman." He grumbled for what? The millionth time? Sighing he petted his horse as it trotted at a leisurely pace, just a few meters from camp. How the hell had it all gone so bad? What was even the point anymore? Are you happy now?

His horse huffed as if sensing his despair, nudging him gently, but Arthur barely acknowledged it. The familiar sound of the camp in the distance only served to remind him that nothing was the same anymore, not the meals, not the quiet talks, and certainly not the comfort of his cot. That's it. This ends tonight.

He is going to carry you over his shoulder if that takes you to talk to him. To hell with your protests and stubbornness.

You were crouched down, sorting through vegetables with Abigail, your hands busy with the task at hand.

It wasn’t long before you saw Molly moving quietly, eyes darting back and forth, heading toward the girls' area.

You knew Molly. You had spent enough time with her to understand that when her instincts kicked in, she often acted before she thought. There was an impulsive streak in her, a tendency to let her emotions guide her steps, and that could be dangerous. Especially now, when tensions were already high.

Without much thought, you excused yourself from Abigail, your voice quick and unsteady. “I’ll be right back.”

You left her with the vegetables and slipped away from the campfire, your steps light as you tried to stay out of sight. Moving quietly, you found a small, hidden spot behind a tent, where you could just make out the faint sounds of voices, though you couldn’t yet hear clearly what was being said. Your heart pounded in your chest.

"(Y/N) and I were so close, in fact, like sisters, but you ruined that too! I don’t know what you told her-" Mary-Beth’s voice cracked, and for the first time, it wasn’t the usual calm, polite tone she carried. There was raw emotion, maybe even a hint of fear, but more than that, it sounded like heartbreak.

"You did it! Just like you're trying to ruin my relationship with Dutch."

"Are you in your senses, Ms. Molly?!" Mary-Beth gasped, trying to defend herself. "How can you even think that?!"

The past few days, you couldn’t help but notice her glances at you, brief but meaningful. It was as if she was caught between wanting to reach out and not knowing if you’d welcome her presence. Her eyes would meet yours across the camp, filled with a mixture of concern and hesitation, as if she longed to approach, to console you, but the fear of intruding, of making things worse, kept her frozen in place.

You understood her hesitation. She was a kind soul, someone who cared deeply for those she loved, and in these tense moments, you knew she wasn’t sure how to navigate the space between you both. And neither did you try to clear the air.

"You and your pretty face are going to be your downfa-"

"Molly, enough." You stepped in, your voice firm. Molly turned to you, arms crossed over her chest, her face filled with frustration.

"(Y/N), don’t tell me you’re under her spell too, for God’s sake. She needs to get a reality check-"

"Molly," you interjected, stepping forward and gently taking hold of her arms. You guided her a few steps away from Mary-Beth, the tension between them thick. "Let me handle it, alright?"

"Don’t pity her, let me make that clear. Otherwise, you’ll be the one regretting it." Molly threw one last angry glance at Mary-Beth, shaking her head before storming off, muttering under her breath.

You stood there, a heavy sigh escaping you as you rubbed your forehead, watching Molly retreat. Turning back to Mary-Beth, who sat on the ground, you softened your expression. "I apologize on her behalf..." You couldn’t help but feel the weight of the situation. You knew you’d have to work hard to get Molly to let go of her anger, but that's for later.

"It's... alright, (Y/N)." Her voice croaked, and you didn’t miss the tremble in it, nor the quiet tears she tried to hide. Your gaze shifted to the book resting on the makeshift table in the corner. The one she had requested. You swallowed hard, a knot forming in your throat.

"You’re not reading it?" you asked, your voice gentle.

She looked up at you, shaking her head slowly. You could see the weight of her emotions pressing down on her, and it hurt to see her like this.

You walked over, picked up the book, and sat beside her. "Why not?" you asked softly. It caught her off guard, and for a moment, her eyes softened. She hesitated before returning the smile, albeit faintly, her sadness still lingering behind it.

"I am sorry... (Y/N), if you... if you misunderstood my actions, but I swear it’s nothing. There’s nobody else, except Mr. Morgan that we feel comfortable enough to ask for things... but if you mind it, then we won’t--"

"No. No. You can ask without hesitation, and I am sorry. I was quick to jump to... conclusions," you interrupted, your voice soft with regret. You hugged her, and she gladly returned the embrace. The warmth of her arms around you soothed the tension in your chest.

You placed the book gently in her lap and shifted your body closer, not wanting to break the moment. "I just... y'know... when I love someone, I do it fully. And I don’t tolerate when that gets disrespected, y'know? That’s one thing I will never forgive." Your voice trembled slightly, the depth of your feelings evident. "But anyway, do read it, and then we’ll have a chat about it. You know I love hearing you yap about your books more than reading them myself."

She chuckled softly, her eyes lighting up with a glimmer of her old self, and you watched her face brighten as she held the book. You stood up, feeling a sense of relief, but also a lingering desire to stay.

"Definitely. But for now, I must go work too, don’t want Susan to bury me alive."

"You better." As you were making your way back to the kitchen wagon, a figure stepped in your way.

"Am I forgiven too?" His voice was teasing, but his expression was genuine. You deadpanned, folding your arms.

"Ummmm... let me think about it," you replied with a mock thoughtful expression, your gaze narrowing slightly.

He mirrored your posture, folding his arms with a smirk. "Not fair, woman. Not fair."

"I never said I was." You gave him a pointed look before turning to walk past him.

As you continued your walk back to the kitchen wagon, you felt a lightness in the air, a shift that felt... right. Arthur, still a few steps behind you, watched you quietly with an almost childish pout. There was something about the way his gaze lingered on you that told you he was waiting, waiting for you to acknowledge it all, to say what neither of you had dared to say yet.

You stopped for a moment, as you placed the cutting board, and turned to face him. The sunlight caught the edges of his hair, giving him a softer, not to mention the dark circles, giving him a more vulnerable look than you’d seen before. There was no teasing now, no masks, just Arthur, looking at you like he was seeing you for the first time again.

"I’m sorry, too," you said softly, your voice almost a whisper. "For the things I said."

He took a step closer, his eyes never leaving yours. "I don’t like it either. I swear, I’d rather fight a hundred men than have you angry at me. But..." His hand reached out hesitantly, as though unsure whether he had the right to touch you, to pull you close. "I don’t know what I’d do without you. And I apologize too...for making you feel that way. But I swear it wasn't in my intention."

A warmth spread through your chest at his words. It wasn’t the grand gestures or flowery promises that touched you. It was the simplicity of it, the honesty in his voice, the vulnerability he rarely let show. "Well then let me tell you that," you whispered back, a soft smile tugging at your lips. "I’m not going anywhere."

With a relieved exhale, Arthur stepped forward, his arms wrapping around you firmly, pulling you into his chest. It was as though all the tension from before melted away, and in its place, there was just the comforting rhythm of his heartbeat against yours. "I love you," he murmured into your hair, the words so familiar now, but somehow more precious each time.

You nestled into his embrace, letting your worries fade for the moment, feeling a sense of peace settle over you. "I love you, too," you replied, your voice barely above a breath, but you meant it with everything you had.

"Y'know darlin'...I was very close to shootin' myself if I had to sleep on the cold bed any longer. It took strength to control myself and not drag you out-" You rolled your eyes and pulled away.

"Right, now go away, I have work to do."

"Absolutely not. To hell with these damn chores. You are coming with me."

You shot him a skeptical glance, hands on your hips as you paused in your tracks. "Really?" you said, raising an eyebrow.

A grin tugged at the corners of his lips as he stepped closer, his broad frame encroaching on your space. "What do you think, darlin'?" he teased, his hands coming up to cradle your face, nearly squishing it with playful force. He gave your head a gentle shake, his eyes sparkling with mischief. "It’s been too damn long. You’ve had me sleeping like a corpse for days. You cruel woman."

You tried to hold back the laugh that bubbled up in your chest, but his determination was infectious "Fine," you muttered, giving in more to his presence than anything else. He grinned, his hands reaching for you, pulling you effortlessly toward the flap of his tent.

"Atta girl." His voice held a triumphant edge, but it was softened with affection.

And finally, after days, the enforcer's tent flaps were closed at night--and so was the distance between you two.

(AN: Req/asks closed for now, guys :/ do keep in mind ur ideas and send once I'll announce them open)

[crushedsweets]

Love Bonnie interacting with Toby and Kate, curious on how she'd act with the others. Sorry if this sort of ask was answered before!

You guys flatter me too much . I will self indulgent talk under the cut

ok i havent really thought THAT hard about bonnie in Creeped because 1. i only put her in self-insert OC worlds with my friends 2. she's not that interesting to interact with 3. i'm putting her in place of the hypothetical Y/N i wouldve done for a Creeped visual novel (not dating sim...just visual novel LOL) ....maybe i'll redo this with the ghost bride bonnie i made for a slender mansion AU? she's a lot more interesting

HOWEVER. i think with the main cast it could be kinda funny. cuz bonnies just kinda weird and awkward and difficult to talk to. she's so quick to just go right home.

with Nina, i could see nina fawning over bonnie a little. "your hair color is so pretty do you know how many girls at the salon would kill for this?" "oh my god where did you get that top" "smell my perfume do you like it let me spray you!". bonnie would get overwhelmed and unsure if nina is making fun of her or being genuine, BUT i think the second nina's like "oh yeah im from california too" bonnies like ! OK WE R LIKE THE SAME ! i could see bonnie inviting nina out to a cafe to study but ninas writing fanfic the entire time (unbeknownst to bonnie). bonnie would get along the best with nina, on account of them both being friendly girls with similar interests

With clocky. bonnie would 1000% frequent the restaurant clocky works at, always order the same stack of pancakes, and nothing else comes from it. clocky would be alright with her cuz bon tips well + cleans up her table before leaving (mom was a server so she developed the habit + she's nervous about being a bad guest LOL). BUT . as you can see in the pic. i think it'd be funny if bon immediately called camila(my friends oc) and started going on about "oh my god you wouldve fucking loved my server she was so tall dude come visit me im gonna make you come here" and walked past clocky with a coat so she didnt even realize it was her. dumbass

bonnie would have 0 reason to interact with jack... but bonnie has her issues with ghosts that land her freaking out in forests trying to get away from them. and she'd freak the fuck out if she saw jack, cuz bonnies anxiety/nerves/paranoia is already maxxed out all the time. now imagine a 6'7 grey man in an ominious mask being the only person youve seen in your involuntary hike through the woods after having ghosts swear theyre gonna kill you. shes gonna throw up

she'd have 0 reason to talk to jeff too. they would never be in similar circles(not that bonnie really Has a circle), but. i like the idea of them constantly coincidentally getting stuck on the same train/bus and it being hell on earth. for her, at least. he dgaf. maybe he had plans to kill her one night and started following her and something went wrong and he gave up. dunno

i legit struggle to get in-depth with bonnie and crp characters cuz she's just. so not in their realm. she legit just exists and has bad ghost shit happen to her and is like Guys this is really unfair.

[lucabyte]

I dunno if you’ve seen what’s in the isat artbook yet but there’s a mention in there of id5’s support of she/her Loop which made me think of that great post you made a while ago on Loop gender!!! Just thought I’d let ya know since that post was absolutely foundational to my personal Loop thoughts lol!

ok goofs aside lol hi. first of all: really funny that more than one of you thought of me for this. my powers. and second of all: okay ill actually give my thoughts.

alright so for the uninitiated (THIS POST) (+bonus link to it with extra additions i like) is what these two anons are talking about. It's about 8k words on my like, puzzled-out hard textual read of what i think is up with Siffrin/Loop's gender.

So, re: the artbook content (READMORE ON ACCOUNT OF ME GETTING LONGWINDED AGAIN)

The relevant passages here are pages 113, 38 and 39 (with a sidebar i want to bring up on 89).

I'm going to crop it down to only what is necessary to get to my point because adrienne doesn't want big chunks or full pages posting, so here's my little collage.

113: The page is primarily about finding ways to disguise Loop's true identity, and that's what most of the visuals on the page are about. The note I've cropped [Loop using she/her...] is on the most siffrin looking of these images, just being them sans cloak, eyepatch and hat.

This, to me, reads like the intent at the time was what eventually evolved into Loop's "Royal We" joke misdirect and their they/them only status. Consideration of, 'would just showing off a character nigh identical to sif but with "opposite" pronouns be enough to throw people off the trail?' that I would imagine evolved into just dropping the he/him, since that's more than enough to do so when you also change their appearence to be more ethereal.

*But* ArtbookCommentary!Adrienne is the one saying "She/her Loop is an incredible idea." owing to some level of affinity toward the concept in retrospect. Lends it some creator-branded 'cool points', which aren't worth *much* in terms of Quality of Textual Evidence, but certainly lends it points against being a *bad* read.

So I read this as like, while on it's own, not much more than conjecture when it comes to supporting the idea of transfemme loop-- I think as another arrow in the overall quiver it strengthens that idea that Siffrin is sticking by their he/hims as a like... side effect of how he was born/raised and sees change as something they can't do. It's less a point in support, and more a point *against* it being wrong. (It's like how in science you try to falsify things in order to prove them, y'know? Evidence *against* it being false is different to evidence *for* it being true, but it's almost better that way, sometimes??) Speaks to the idea that Loop would see those pronouns as a Disguise in some way, which to me, when paired with pages 38-39 and the dress* gives the implication that femininity is an untapped well for them. That it's new, and not something they'd do without a plausibly deniable excuse. Which continues to feed into my readings of Siffrin being amab and uncomfortable with change, even if (especially if) they want it in some way. It kind of has to be forced onto them to allow them to try it, because then it's not their choice, now is it?

*The dress is absolutely in reference to the prologue line, isn't it? it being grafted to their skin unlike the other considerations for clothes shown on the page too, aligns with this idea of Loop's body being informed by their wants/feelings about themselves in some way (distinctly inhuman, no need to eat, no need to smile anymore, yet still blind). But where canon!loop has no gendered traits to hold them down anymore, dress!loop would be more of a giveaway of their desires to at least express *some* femininity. (See: my prior essay for further thoughts on how i think that manifests, and my thoughts on it being a somewhat doylist read of the game's themes that i stand by)

(god buddy. you get deeper into the timeloop and it makes you . forget everything . about fucking everything . but the want that bubbles to the surface harder is this? loop. christ im repeating myself again go read my previously linked essay if you arent these two anons i go into way more detail.)

BUT YEAH. yeah.

I think it's a stretch to say things that aren't literally in game, and are still at most discarded exploration of character really count as Evidence for in-game reads, as they are paratext at best-- But. buttttttt buttttttt they do offer a good insight into the intent with which some things were most likely approached. like i say, it's not evidence /for/ my theory, just evidence /against/ me being on the wrong track. But yes i do feel pretty vindicated that this aligns so well with my amab nb siffrin/transfem loop trutherism. Which makes sense, given that the Whole Point of that read was to try and sleuth out the authorial intent, rather than anything else.

Like, i was following a framework in specific of (posts wikipedia screenshot for 'authorial intent')

as opposed to the equally valid Reader-Response framework (under which death of the author also falls)

which is why in that thing i stress so hard that i'm trying to abstain from my own bias (whether or not i succeed? idk. i do break my own rule for a second when pointing out how hard siffrin's fear of change resembles transfem repression in specific as i relate it to my friends and wider observations). but yeah. it was very nice that the artbook aligned so nicely since pairing my readings against the author's own literal words was always going to be the Ultimate Test™ for an authorial-intent based reading.

... oh ! and the sidebar i said i'd have.

Page 89:

get forcibly changed idiot. fucking themes lol (this was also vindicating as a 'loop stays as a star' truther which is something i tie into my themes of gender/sif not accepting change until its forced upon them. but it's not the mostest relevant to the convo without that context. but whee!)

[mypoisonedvine]

another idea for dr crane but i'm afraid it might be too similar to thoughtless so please just ignore if it is!!: from personal experience, being a patient of his who is seeing him bc of sexual trauma. fear of penetration due to previous sexual assault. and ofc he's all about exposure therapy. and you wanna trust him so so bad bc he wants what's best for you, he's encouraging you ("you deserve to embrace your sexuality, you get past this one barrier and you're free"), but you start to fight back. and he takes personal offense bc he's your doctor, why don't you trust his expertise? but then it starts to feel good~

idk i picture reader trying with a toy in front of him but he gets impatient sees she's struggling with going that extra step further so he takes control either with the toy or himself.

warnings: not actually that dark (I mean, it is cause he's her therapist lol but he's not nonconning her) but still manipulation, slightly medical kink?, praise kink

(oops this turned out pretty long how did that happen? lmao)

"Did you try what we discussed last week?" he asked, and you pressed your knees together as you looked down and shook your head. "Really? You seemed very positive about it before."

"I was," you admitted. "It seemed really easy-- just sort of training myself, you know. But then I got home and... I guess it was a little overwhelming."

"Hm," he said, and you started to feel guilty for disappointing him. "That's interesting-- it seems like you were more comfortable here than at home. I figured it would be the other way around."

"Yeah, that would make more sense, I guess," you shrugged, "but-- I dunno..."

"Do you want to try again?" he wondered.

"I do," you admitted, "but I'm nervous that I'll start panicking again..."

"Then why don't you try here?"

You tensed up at just the suggestion; "Wouldn't that be... I mean, isn't that...?"

"I'm a medical doctor," he reminded you with a chuckle, "I've seen much worse. This is simply part of your treatment. I want you to get better."

You took a deep breath, nodding. "Okay," you decided. "Okay, I can try it."

"Great," he smiled, uncrossing his legs and resetting his clipboard in his lap. "We agreed before that you'd be more comfortable with your fingers than silicone dilators, is that still--?"

"Yes," you interrupted, "definitely. Feels too... clinical, otherwise."

He nodded, and there was a brief silence.

"So, do I just... start?"

"I'd like you to try," he said gently.

You noticed that his gaze never broke away from you, but you looked down into your lap as you started to slowly spread your legs. "So I just.. reach under my dress?"

"That should be fine," he encouraged. "There's nothing to be afraid of-- this is a safe space."

You nodded in agreement, pulling up your dress enough to reach into your panties. Sighing, you tried not to let nerves get the better of you as you pushed your lips apart with your fingers. But still, the anxiety was bubbling up, and you pressed the tip of your finger to your hole only to feel resistance alongside your distress. "I-- I don't think I can--"

"It's alright," he soothed, "start with the outside first-- stimulate your clitoris."

You choked on a laugh, still too nervous to look at him. "You really are a medical doctor..."

"What, too formal?" he chuckled. "Alright... rub your clit."

That shocked you even more than the clinical language; but it made you pulse inside, too. "O-okay..."

You pressed your fingers against the bud, trying to rub it, but it didn't really feel like anything-- like rubbing your elbow or something. Jonathan corrected you right away: "Not so hard," he said, "start gently."

"Sorry," you breathed, shutting your eyes.

"No-- it's fine," he assured, "I just want to help."

He was right, though; when you lessened the pressure and gently rubbed in circles, it started to feel good-- slowly, but surely. When your next breath came out shaky, you heard him hum with satisfaction.

"Is that better?" he asked.

"Yes," you answered, but you didn't mean for it to be a moan.

"I think you're ready," he informed you-- and something about his voice, it was lower than before, it was different... it was making you wet.

"Ready... for what?" you whispered, daring to open your eyes and see the darkness in his expression as he watched you.

"Ready to fuck yourself with your fingers."

"Oh," you sighed, feeling like you'd been punched in the gut-- in the best possible way. "Okay..."

"Just one to start," he encouraged, "put a finger inside yourself, nice and slow."

You sighed as you pressed the finger up to your hole again, smiling as you realized it was more open-- and wet-- than before. You gently pressed in further, finding some pressure but pushing through it until you were knuckle deep in yourself. You smiled happily; "I did it," you breathed, "oh my god, I-- I never thought I'd--"

"Don't stop," he cooed, "move it back and forth. If you do well enough, you can add a second finger."

You figured he meant it that you would be able to add a second finger, but it almost sounded like a bargain, like a reward. Do what I say and I'll let you add a second, or something. Surely that wasn't what he meant.

"A little faster," he encouraged as you pumped the finger. "That's it, very good."

You whimpered, biting down on your lip to hide your moan. You wanted him to say that again, to tell you that you were doing this correctly.

"Add the second now," he instructed, his own voice suddenly sounding a little hoarse and needy. "Stretch yourself out-- and tell me how it feels."

"It feels good," you panted as you started to add your second finger, whining at the stretch. "Fuck, I-- will they both fit?"

He chuckled a little-- a low, rough sound-- and promised you: "Yes, they'll fit. You can take a lot more than two fingers, with some patience."

You hadn't even imagined being able to do more than this-- for years, you hadn't been able to put anything inside you, and now here you were... fingering yourself in front of your therapist. "How much more?" you wondered, hardly imagining how it could be possible.

There was a long, long pause; you worried he hadn't heard you. Looking at him again, you found him watching with a tight jaw.

"How much more can I take, Dr. Crane?" you asked again.

"You can take anything I give you," he answered tensely.

A shiver ran up your spine; "F-fuck," you whimpered, and your walls pulsed around your fingers.

"You're going to come, aren't you?" he noticed, and you nodded. "Good."

You gasped.

"Very good," he egged you on, seeing the effect it had on you; your head tilted back as you pushed your fingers into yourself faster. "You're doing very well for me-- now I just need to see you come. I just need you to make yourself come."

"Yes, yes," you chanted, hips rocking, moans growing louder. "It feels good-- fuck, Doctor, I--"

"I know," he soothed, "just let it happen. Keep going. Come for me."

It hit you all at once, a heavy and numbing feeling that left you shaking on his couch; he purred out his praises, telling you how good you were doing, and it only made the feeling stronger.

When you exhausted yourself, you stilled; there was a moment of silence, just your panting filling the air, until you found the strength to meet his gaze again. He was smiling at you sweetly, looking oddly similar to how he always did at the end of a session. "That was incredible progress," he said proudly. "You should be very impressed with yourself."

You sighed as you nervously pulled your fingers out of yourself. "I-- do you have a tissue I can wipe these with?" you asked nervously.

"No need," he said, "you should taste it."

"Wh-what?" you choked out, your face even warmer than before.

"Just taste it-- I think you'll like it," he encouraged.

Though you hesitated for a second, you brought your wet fingers to your lips and gently licked off some of the sticky substance left behind.

"What do you think?" he asked.

"It's sort of strange," you admitted.

"It's an acquired taste," he shrugged, making your heart pound as you realized just from the look in his eyes that this was absolutely a taste he'd acquired... then again, there must have been a reason that he knew even better than you how to touch yourself and make you come.

Then, it was impossible not to imagine what he's like when he does this off the clock-- the way he touches and pleasures the women he takes to bed. You imagined him with his fingers inside lace panties, whispering in her ear about how good she was being for him; you imagined him pushing two inside and promising to give her more; you imagined him making her come, over and over, until he's satisfied and brings those soaked fingers to his lips and calling her delicious.

And even though you tried not to picture who that woman would be, you couldn't help but wonder if he'd like a woman like you... if you were the type he'd do that to, if you weren't his patient.

"Thank you," you blurted out. "I never thought I'd be able to... thank you. It's been a long time since I was able to feel that."

He nodded. "Thank you for trusting me," he replied. Glancing at the clock, he sighed a little through a polite smile: "Oh, look at that, we're out of time for today. This has been a really excellent session."

"Yeah," you agreed as you both stood up, "definitely."

"And next week, we can discuss the next steps in your recovery."

You raised your eyebrows when you heard that, already almost halfway out of the office. "Next steps?" you noticed.

"Yes," he agreed, "you made great progress, but there's still so much more for you to learn."

[kozachenko]

Don't really have much to post again aside from some more sketching that I've done recently, this time of Reimu and Marisa, mainly because I just need a starting point as to how I would go about drawing them in my style (which is why the poses are so boring lol).

Artist's Notes;

So I mentioned in the last post how I've been wanting to experiment with how I wanted to draw Reimu, and I then got an idea for Marisa. So I wanted to try and contrast the two of them with each other via their shape language and body types. For scale I also put some numbers on the side just as a visualizing aid so I can imagine them easier. I wanted to make Reimu very tall and lanky and Marisa to be short and rounder. Also, this provides some interesting contrast in their shape language, and Marisa ends up being more round and Reimu ends up feeling more sharp.

I think what I'm most worried about is mainly that I don't 100% know if these two drawings still...feel like Reimu and Marisa. MMaybe because I made so many changes to both of them, but I feel like it's mostly in their faces. I kept the little personal touches that would add when I would draw them in the past (i.e. Reimu's tiny eyebrows and Marisa's freckles) but I dunno, maybe it's in the eyes? Like, Marisa's bigger eyes and eyebrows are definitley ideas that I want to play with in the future, but Reimu.... I dunno, I like the idea of her face shape in this drawing specifically, and I defnitely feel like I got closer to the monilid eye look I was trying to achieve in my previous attempt at drawing her eyes, but something still feels off with her.

When I drew Marisa, I really wanted to explore some other ideas for her body type, mainly in contrast to Reimu, so I wanted to give her a fuller figure and make her shorter than Reimu. I do feel like her eyes could be a bit sharper as eyes look maybe a little too innocent for Marisa, but I do still want to use these eyes I drew for her as a springboard for later attempts. I made some adjustments to her dress so that they would look good on the body type I gave her. I also need to draw shoes more because those boots....I just, I don't even know, I probably just need to draw that specific body type more wearing those types of boots or find references because I am not happy with how they turned out. Out of the two of them, Marisa was definitely my favourite to draw. I really enjoying drawing different body types when I get the chance to, and I feel like it's important to try your best to expand your variety when it comes to drawing the human body, I'm glad that I'm comfortable with drawing different body types. I do still have a long ways to go with this as I just need to do it more often and still need to do this but with different body shapes and weights and how to combine those two aspects to create unique body types and silhouettes. Also, please feel free to give me any critiques to how these two designs turned out, I remember that I drew Reimu when it was late at night and spent the entire day on Marisa so I defnitely feel like there's some things to critque here.

I'll be honest... I don't really like how Reimu turned out too much. Not to say it's a bad drawing, but I dunno. I think I just need to draw Reimu more, but she's honestly the hardest character to translate into my style. The thing is, I have an idea for her in my head but I just have a hard time putting it to paper. It's not like I've never drawn her before, in fact, aside from the height I really like how she looked in this piece of fanart (why tf did I make her so short in that piece) I did a while back despite the fact that I've imrpoved on my faces a lot since then (again, I do want to try my lineless style again, I just need to find the chance to do so), maybe because that was the drawing that provided me with some of my ideas on how to draw Reimu in my style? I do think I'm definitely in the rut of the "not knowing how to draw a character's face in your style" phase that I'm sure many fan-artists go through, so with enough drawings I'll get through it eventually, just gotta suffer through several more hours of trial and error though so yipeeeeeeee... As for things I do like, Reimu's hair turned out nicely. I did my usual technique for drawing Reimu's hair and then pasted the lineart layer underneath the main lineart layer and changed the colour to give it some extra pizzaz, and I do like how Reimu and Marisa contrast each other a lot. I just need to find a way to make them feel more like themselves while still taking liberties with their designs in my style.

Even if these are just sketches and me laying the groundwork for how I want to draw these two in the future, I still want to improve how I draw them a lot (also I don't like how much these two look like teenagers, I see both of them as being in their late 20s-early 30s and it just doesn't read like that and I definitely need to do more studies in the future to get them right in my style).

[yayll]

Hiii i hope you're feeling better soon :(( I was wondering if I could request a Dazai x reader fic where the reader has PTSD? Specifically, the beginning of autumn kind of triggers her (sorry if it's a confusing i dunno how to word it lol) Could it be fluff/comfort? Btw I love your writing style so badly so pls tweak the idea if you think it would work better! And no worries if you'd rather pass :33

hii angel i genuinely am sorry that this took me a while! (work and life happened a little more than usual, GOT SICK and barely had time to sit down and write.) it was so ivover but i am fine now thank u so much bub!

i REALLY hope you like this and that it's what u wanted, i've never written someone w PTSD before and i was just rlly hoping i didn't mess this characterization up for ur request ahhh. i had such a nice time writing it and i rlly wanted to explore the impact it could have around reader and dazai and him going out of his way even if it could be a little goofy and sappy to make u feel at least a little better even if u can't talk abt it.

i love uuuu thank u again! <3

~ a little something about Dazai noticing harmful patterns and loving you through them ~

He's been watching you sit by the window for the past half hour as you stare at what seems like the beginning of the new season outside. You were quieter than usual, more withdrawn and jumpy, which could only mean that you weren't sharing something with him- or rather having trouble processing something to the point where you didn't realize he could tell something inside you was on high alert.

Dazai would rather die than see you in such a state, especially during what's supposed to be such an exciting time of the year that's full of the things you usually love to do. Whatever is impeding you from enjoying the leaves falling has to be dealt with the most delicate of methods, but especially with love. If you taught him anything about the past haunting you to the point of mental distress, something he suffered bouts of every now and then when memories made days grow dark, it's that all you need is one person to truly witness you. Just like how you've seen the ugliest parts of him time and time again yet you still look at him with all the stars in the sky, stars he consumes like a black hole waiting to be filled.

Luckily for you, he has an arsenal of things he can try to soothe you with, because he wouldn't be a good detective AND boyfriend if he didn't keep all those context clues in his pocket for a bad day. Mainly though, he was just completely attuned to your every need. You are his happiness, and your wellness isn't up for debate: It's mandatory. He stands up from the loveseat with a deep exhale as he walks over to you, his lips curled in a lazy smile as he tests the waters to see what you could need from him without asking.

"You know, if you stay any more still I could probably paint you like one of those fancy paintings. What do you say, be my model?"

You look over at him from the window, and he can visibly tell you haven't been at ease lately. He suddenly realizes he's just fallen even more in love with you. That there is nothing in this world that could ever let him see you as anything but his heart.

You murmur, a faint smile decorating your serene face.

"Mm, I'm not sure. I don't think I could pose for that long, you know? It would probably be hard to catch my likeness, heh."

He clicks his tongue and rolls his eyes with a playful smirk. Oh how he wants to lean in and worship your likeness with his loving touch, but he decides to take it easy on the physical affection for now, not until he knows you're feeling up for it. He can be a good boy, something he usually isn't.

"Well, I wouldn't mind being the brave young knight who tries~ Shall we take this outside for better lighting?"

You instantly don't give him a good reaction to that. You shrug, seeming conflicted and unsure of yourself, but unable to really bring yourself to explain with words, something uncharacteristic of you.

No problem! Dazai thinks to himself. If you don't want to go outside, he can bring outside to you in the comfort of home. He'll enhance your safe space, and tailor it to just what you need. He hums, tapping his temple in an exaggerated manner as if he were thinking really hard and when he sees that it gets a small giggle out of you, he knows he's on the right track.

"Hm, I know what we should do instead. Wait here, angel.~"

He disappears into the hallway and you sit there as the sound of cabinets opening and rummaging around fills the air. You smile to yourself, and shake your head at the mental image of Dazai becoming a tornado to find whatever he's looking for right now, hoping he doesn't make too much of a mess. You fidget with your hair, twirling it in between your fingers as you take a deep grounding breath while you wait.

A moment later, he comes back with what seems like art supplies and a ton of mini candlesticks.

He knows you're intrigued when you tilt your head in confusion, but then again that's probably just the confusion... Dazai sets down two canvases along with the candles, flashing you a mischievous grin. If you couldn't process your feelings through words, art was always there! You look over the activities he's laid out for you both, awaiting his silver tongued explanation.

"You know when I want to be the little spoon but I don't say anything?"

You laugh softly, and nod.

"Mhm, you get all moody and weird."

He nods back, a half smile on his face as he rests his hands on his hips. He wants to tell you that the only reason he even knew such intimate luxuries is because you showed him that he's worthy of it, of being loved, but he doesn't say anything. He lets the sweet memories between you swim through his mind as fuel for the day he's trying to create for you. His voice sounds more like he's talking out loud now, lost in a thought..

"You make me moody and weird. You also make me want to grab your soft little face and just..."

He then snaps back to the moment, and his tone picks up.

"... But alas, there is no time to waste! Come, sit, I'll get the other things ready.~"

He zooms off to the kitchen, and your heart softens at how much he fusses over you, though you also hope you aren't being too much. You know he'd hate to hear that, so you simply sit down and look over the supplies you had honestly forgotten you had.

Dazai makes tea, because he knows it helps with your fidgeting and you like how the mug feels in your hands, he also begins to set the candle sticks all over the living room, lighting them one by one. You flash him a look of faint concern.

"Feels like Dracula's castle. You sure this is safe, Osamu?"

He simply grins impishly.

"It's called 'mood lighting', cutie. There is an atmosphere to be created!"

"Yeah, and possibly a wildfire."

"Boo, you're no fun. Besides, that sounds like a problem for future us. We live in the moment."

Dazai would never risk your safety and you know that, which is why you don't push the topic any further.

You two settle in, the candles illuminating you both with a warm flame that feels more comforting than you'd like to admit, you feel yourself becoming more immersed in the random little doodles and brush strokes you create as you both talk for hours about literally nothing while sipping on your tea. Nothing feels nice, for once and Dazai can see it in the way you slowly become less and less tense. So mindful, so beautiful.

After you fill your canvas, you set it down, and peer over at Dazai's.

"What'd you paint?"

He smiles sheepishly, and hides his.

"Not finished yet. No peeking!"

He stands up and in one swift motion, runs outside, while leaving you bewildered at the spontaneity of the situation. A few moments later, he runs back inside, huffing with his arms behind his back. He sits back down on the floor with you, criss crossed. He grabs his canvas, and puts something on it as he slowly unveils his work to you.

It's a single crisp leaf he must have plucked from the grass when it fell, the orange and reddish hue placed on the canvas that shows a cartoonishly painted tree as well. He murmurs, eyes trained lovingly on you but with that familiar playful tone.

"I wanted you to get a little air. It's good for one's mood, you know."

You slowly take the leaf, and twiddle it in your thumb as you begin to smile to yourself. You mutter back.

"The weather changes, moods change, it's so overwhelming sometimes..."

He slowly leans in a little closer and places a hand on the small of your back, inching you closer to him too. He wants to distract you from those thoughts affecting you, but it's getting harder when all he can think about is how much you affect him. He whispers.

"My mood never changes, you're the most precious thing I have ever seen all year round."

You look up at him, your eyes communicating what you feel, and he picks up on it with a silent confirmation. You hold each other's gaze for a long quiet moment and when you feel ready you lean into his chest, nuzzling into him. He envelops you in a hug that feels like the remedy you've been searching for this whole time, and it almost brings you to tears. You don't know it also does the same to him. He gives you a soft squeeze and leans down to your ear, his warm breath feeling like the way life is supposed to feel. You mumble, your voice slightly muffled against him.

"Thank you, Osamu. Love you."

He smiles at that. To be something so soothing to you, to be of use for once in his life, it's a feeling that he could never describe. He'll have to find the words when he covers you in kisses from head to toe later, when he makes sure you feel the full extent of his devotion to you through thick and thin. He exhales deeply.

"Change of season, change of mind... It doesn't matter to me. It's still you. It will always be you."

[galactic-rhea]

what do you like about Anakin?

-gestures at the enterity of my blog- Welp, I dunno what gave you that impression, I think we can say I don't like him too much.

In all seriousnes, though, I do love him, greatly! I think he's an amazing character. I'm very biased in this aspect because as I have said before in this blog, was getting into SW what took me from a long and awful period of depression and art block and brought me some interest into actually creating things!

Partly my love for Anakin comes from yes, the fact that my expectatives were stupidly low for him (and SW in general). But not only he's one of the most impactful and well known villains in the history of cinema, but he's really compelling and complex, and as much at it really hurts, the tragedy is so very well crafted, the contradictions of his character can be painfully viceral because another thing I love about him is that he's an imperfect victim (and you can see this in fandom); he does show almost by the book every bad and maladaptative response to complex trauma, but the movies don't soften the blow at all.

Yeah feels like i'm channeling Padme with the "i actually like him with the red flags*

Anakin/Vader is the perrrrfect monster that the systematic failure and opression of failed organizations and institutions and apathy and cruelty create. He's the Star Child for 'Product of a failed system', he's twisted, violent, insecure, contradictory, an enforcer and yet all that he wanted was to free slaves and have a family, he loved so very deeply, he even loved Palpatine, and in the very end; he did manage to stop the horrors! Because the very same love! And that was so refreshing.

He's everything I could ask for lol

He's cool and pathetic and funny but also tragic and sad and relatable and a hero and an ultimate despicable monster! He's a cute kid that risks his life to help strangers and you can not not like, he's an awkward teenager with an impossible crush and daddy issues that murders in disociative rage for his mom, and he's a disturbed traumatized albeit charismatic general who's loved by everyone who's close to him who's overenjoyed about being a father, and he's also a sleep deprived, groomed, manipulated and deeply conflicted man that sold his soul to the devil and burned the world down only to retaliate against his wife and cause her death, and he's also a servant and an enforcer tortured and suffering with nothing to live for but his master and the Empire in a mockery of destine and the desilusion of peace after 3 years of war..and then he's a repentant ghost that learned to stand against his master for the love of his son, because even monsters have someone who loves them. He was born like a literal prophetized divine hero but spent most of his life as a slave. Truly what a character, love him!

He's such a contradictory character, he was so capable of absolute lows and evil but he did impossible feats for good as well; bc the guy that kills children is also the guy that was concerned about slavery and a great master and general and a lovestruck husband.

Really he needed therapy, I have always thought that Luke is pretty close to what Anakin could have been, had not the whole universe aligned to mess him up over and over and over.

And I find him so so very relatable and cathartic, personally, bc of a lot of (traumatic) things in my life despite being a very calm and not quick to anger person lol, but that's a story for another day!

[barrenclan]

I've been off anon once before, but I guess I thought with the comic finishing up (not counting epilogues) I'd do this officially finally! So...Hi! I just wanted to say this has been an absolutely incredible journey from start to finish. The art, the symbolism, the mystery all throughout, the CHARACTERS, it's all been absolutely breathtaking (Ranger and Hacksaw are still my favorites! Ranger and Hacksaw #1!!!) I've been here since the first issue, and you really did just wrap everything up perfectly (particularly thematically!) This last issue in particular I think is the only time I've teared up reading this comic? For very personal reasons, Slugpelt's "you should just leave me to die, I have nothing left and I can't bear this pain, don't make me continue" hit...really really home for me, haha. The following moments of Pinewing's "Can't you live for me? Can't your trust we'll have a million more moments that will make it equally worth living? Can I be enough for you, just for right now?" Because...Fuck, man! I've been there! I feel that!!! And I'm just so...immensely and insanely glad that Slugpelt did accept the tentative promise of a future, even if everything in that moment seemed so bleak for her. I dunno. It just means a whole lot to me, I guess. I also teared up around Corm and Pine's "can we just start over?" Not for any personal reasons, just because it's just SO sentimental and SO sincere, like fuck. "Hi I'm Pinewing, and I think I'm in love with you" "I'm Cormorantleaf and I think I'm in love with you too" gets me right in the chest! It's difficult to put into words how much love, trust, and absolute fucking earnestness is in that exchange but I just! Feel it! The weight and oozing fondness in those words!!! I feel it physically!!! Augh!!! That's all I wanted to say. Just, thank you for reading (if you did read it! Busy schedule, real life, I get it,) and thank you so much for making this. It's been a hell of a ride, and I've enjoyed every moment so so much. P.S. one time this comic activated my autism so bad I made a point of trying to remember the names of every issue (up to 14 or 15, I think) in order while I was out in the middle of the woods and no computer access. I never got around to saying that at the time but the point is PATFW good and I like it a very normal amount lol

Thank you so much for your kind words!! I'm so happy you've enjoyed reading the comic for this long and that it could mean that much to you. I've really loved working on it.

I'm a writer who loves tragedy and horror and things like that, but at the end of the day I am also a pretty sentimental and earnest person and I like having characters who get to experience happiness and get to live their lives how they want. Maybe I'm a sap.

P.S. That really makes me laugh, I love it. How'd it make you feel if I said I could commiserate - there have been plenty of times when I've been at work when it's slow or otherwise bored and I'll just start listing the names of every single issue in order, over and over, for fun? Haha, I love this comic just as much as everyone else.

[sl-walker]

Booster's Queer af

Something I wrote on Reddit on a thread asking 'what's your DC hot take??', because if you're gonna kick a hornet's nest, kick it with your best steel-toed boots and then smile:

Booster's queer. That man hasn't come across as straight-- ever. Like even when I started reading DC in 2003, he came across as queer to me, pretty much from his inception. Seriously. He comes across like someone closeted and decidedly not-straight who just stays in the closet initially because it was a very bad time to be anything other than heterosexual when he landed in the past and later because it's habit and expected of him. I don't think he's gay, I think he probably leans pretty pansexual or maybe even demisexual, but any which way, you'll never convince me he's not at least a little bit queer. He's had one in-universe romance that hasn't been retconned (Firehawk) in his entire time existing and one that was a joke and maybe not even real canon (Gladys). After almost four decades. His thing with Firehawk lasted, I think, like less than a year, too. I'm pretty sure you can count his on-panel kisses on one hand, but not more than two. He's never had a 'morning after' scene. The one seriously emotionally intimate relationship he has is with another guy. When he does flirt or attempt to, it comes off as being awkward and a bit desperate and a bit like a man who is kinda using it as cover. And like-- that really makes way more sense for him than anything otherwise. I'd sincerely hope by the 25th century that we'd stop giving a damn who loves or wants whomever else based on gender presentation. It also makes for a pretty compelling tale, a guy getting dropped into the middle of the AIDS epidemic learning a very quick and ugly lesson about what happens to queer folk in this time period. I dunno how hot a take this is, though, because at least some people up top agree (he's canonically hooked up with Ted in Teen Titans Go! and like-- any time Tom Taylor writes them, he all but says it aloud), but if TPTB were brave, they'd finally confirm it mainline. Like you don't even have to ship him with Ted (though that's my preference), just confirm he's queer. Here's my essay. What's my grade? LOL!

--

Since it's relevant, tho, here's a few pieces I wrote from a long email back and forth (since us old people still do that) with another very long-time fan of his a couple weeks ago:

But anyway, to me, he acts about like how a kid who got dropped into the 80s during the height of the AIDS panic and rampant homophobia and the wholesale death of gay men might, especially if he were queer himself. I'd probably try to straight-wash myself, too, in his boots. (I remember that time period, if distantly. I didn't realize I was queer myself until I was well into my 20s, despite falling in very desperate and intense love with another girl when I was 12. I do remember being in high school when a boy was murdered for being queer by being tortured and left tied to a fence to die, though. It was that kind of world back then for people like us. In some places, it still is.) Still, where Booster fails at any hetero romance (oh god does he), he's so devoted to Ted that a big part of his second solo was dedicated to him either trying to save the man or actively mourning him. It's heartbreaking and amazing and really actually quite good stuff, from a literary POV. Whether DC meant it or not, somehow they managed to write one of the greatest love stories I've ever seen in a comic across most of twenty years, no kidding, and I've read a lot across a lot of companies, even back when I was a twelve year old girl and ridiculed for it. And not just a great queer love story, it's a great love story period. A person can make a credible argument for it being a one-sided -- romantic and therefore non-platonic -- love, but it's pretty hard to argue it's not a very intense one regardless.

And

I guess what I'm trying to say is: This is another read on him. And I think also a very valid one. He's one hell of an amazing character, I wish DC had handled him half as well post-Flashpoint than they did pre-Flashpoint, and I don't think a queer reading of him detracts anything from how amazing he is. If anything, I think it makes the older stuff several shades deeper (and so, so relatable, god), and I think if they decided to write him as explicitly queer now, not too many people would actually be all that surprised. With or without Ted. I can't really identify with Alan Scott, love him though I do, even though I can acknowledge that a generation of gay men likely could quite strongly. But I can identify with Booster Gold, who grew up poor and wrecked his future in part for love of family, who clawed his way out of poverty and fell back into it, who has brilliant and shining moments of courage and heart, and moments where he lands on his face, who was tough enough to survive a lot of shit but devastatingly vulnerable to exploitation, and who looks like a fellow queer kid who might've fallen for his best friend, but was surrounded by homophobia and hate and terror and buried that part of himself because the alternative might have been getting beaten and left tied to a fence to die.

[attempted--eloquence]

Hi hi!! I'm the person whos been leaving heinously long comments on ao3 lately- heh

I honestly just wanted to hear what first drew you to theo and liam as a ship. I always felt like they had such a push-pull dynamic in the show (almost noxious chemistry) but i feel like my view of them has evovled so much since while reading Handle With Care. Also, thiam aside, what drew you to Theo as a character on his own? My friend and I have always (lovingly lol) fought over him because she hates his guts and ive always felt this strange pull to him. Like is he a bad human being? Yes. Is he so much more than that though? Also yes. You're takes on him are always fascinating to me.

Sorry for such a big question! I'm always so wordy 🤭

Omg HI!!!!!!! 💗 Also there is no such thing as heinously long comments I would rejoice over a dissertation in my inbox I stg!!!

Okay, regarding Liam and Theo: you show me two characters who communicate like they hate each other but all their actions scream the opposite, I will be LOOKING👀 Make those two characters also have incredibly complex emotional backgrounds and an ugly history together and I am done for. I’m gonna get really ramble-y here so more under the cut!!

You’re so right, there is such a push-pull between them not only literally in their interactions but also in their personality traits!! Something complementary about them that I think borders on clashing. A sort of heart vs brain thing. Open book vs brick wall.

Theo seems to treat emotion as a tool at best and a weakness at worst (boy always had the waterworks ON TAP in s5 whenever he needed to manipulate someone lmao), so for him to be sooo mindful of Liam’s emotional state in s6—even if he’s provoking him, it’s for a reason—and also weirdly encouraging toward him is such a pleasant change of pace. Obsessed with the way their relationship started under the guise of responsibility and was held together by the threat of Theo being sent back, became a sort of begrudged alliance, became trust??? Kinship??? I’m like foaming at the mouth.

Theo is like at the center of Liam’s guilt over stuff that happened in s5: missing Hayden’s death + trying to kill Scott. I think there’s something to be said about Liam bringing Theo back not only giving Theo a chance to “redeem” himself (heavy on the air-quotes, I have convoluted thoughts about Theo and the idea of redemption, but I digress) but also that it could’ve facilitated Liam forgiving himself for s5. (Cough cough, “Scott will never forgive you,” Liam says to Theo in the middle of a scene that revolves around Liam’s anger and his inability to stop himself from hurting people when he’s having an outburst. In the locker room, as they’re STANDING IN FRONT OF A MIRROR. The idea that Liam is projecting his own guilt and concerns about Scott’s forgiveness onto Theo here is positively yummy.)

From “you’re going to help us or you’re going back [in the ground]” to Theo voluntarily showing up to save Liam’s ass and Liam saying “I will fight with you” just…nghhh I dunno to me it feels like now being able to look at the past and accept it, even if it’s ugly. Not being wounded by it anymore. For both of them.

Okay, so regarding what drew me to Theo…..he is just so…[dreamy sigh] fucked up. What can I say, he lured me in with his sociopathic swagger in s5 and won me over with his kicked dog demeanor in s6💘 also I think he’s a fucking freak (affectionate). I wish I could better articulate what made me obsessed with him but I’m past the point of no return with my fixation on him that I can’t remember my brain being normal anymore. There is simple B.T. and A.T. (Before Theo and After Theo).

Like…he shows up in s5 with this story about Scott helping him through an asthma attack tucked beneath his tongue and all these speeches at the ready for why he showed up to join Scott’s pack and I can’t help but wonder how long he planned for that. How long he practiced those lines and his delivery and the inflection and the facial expressions. He spent part of his childhood being raised by such inhuman unfeeling robotic beings and yet he can tap into this emotional expressiveness like no other; he smiles, he plays coy, he feigns concern, he gives hugs, he constantly offers help, he cries, and it’s all an act. But I feel like the most honest thing about him in s5 is whenever he has to interact with the Dread Doctors—it’s like he can’t stop being a scared kid. He’s all false bravado, a paper tiger.

And beyond trying to take Scott’s power to become an alpha (and sever the tie between him and the DDs by being a real werewolf), I feel like Theo was also kind of trying to assert his flawed existence in front of a creator that can’t see him as anything but a failed experiment. A sort of, I am like this because you made me like this. To think that The Surgeon came into the whole chimera/beast project kind of out of…love? (A desire to bring back your closest friend that drives you to the point of abandoning all humanity for a centuries-long scientific pursuit is a beautifully insane form of love to me lmfao). And there’s some kind of devotion between a scientist and its experiment, something like love in the act of surgery, and yet they regard Theo with such indifference because he’s not successful in the right way. The failure was the Dread Doctors’ but Theo wore it like his own. Dude’s fucked.

((Not to mention The Beast gets resurrected and fucking kills them. There it is!!! Theres the success! There’s the love! What they wanted was this creature that would kill them instead of acquiesce. They wanted a monster but they raised a kid.))

I also think part of what’s appealing about Theo from a writing perspective is that his backstory is vague enough that there’s room to creatively fill in some blanks, but also the parts of his life that we do know about—and the parts we can infer from everyone else’s interactions with the DDs—are pretty bleak. He’s also really easy to project onto for that reason. Fear of imperfection and/or failure? Check! Inferiority complex? Check! Childhood upended by trauma? Check! Alienated from your own body? Check! Feeling inherently different than everyone around you? Check! Isolated and unable to authentically connect with other people? Check and check.

This is totally a headcanon bc obviously we don’t know if the Dread Doctors kept Theo in BH the whole time, but lately I’ve been fixated on the idea of him potentially growing up in the tunnels — and, like, those run underground all over Beacon Hills, right? The idea of him having this life that runs parallel to Scott and Stiles, but beneath their feet the whole time, makes me crazy. Stiles said that he used to skateboard in the tunnels and I’m bashing my head against a wall at the thought of Theo watching him from afar. Of Theo watching from afar every time the pack members go in the tunnels over the course of the show pre-s5. Of him living adjacent to the pack but not a part of it. Dude wants to be part of something soooo bad he wants to be accepted as he is soooo bad (gonna lose it over him being in the tunnels with Mason and saying “maybe I want to be in the pack”).

Okay I’m so sorry I don’t even think I scratched the surface of my thoughts on Theo here yet I’m rambling past the point of meaning right now😭 so, in summary…I just think he’s neat.

[ros-sauce]

Ough my god SPEAKING of Mizuki's hyper-cheerful exterior, I was thinking about something recently!! When you compare her to the other Genki Girls of Project Sekai, there's a certain vibe difference between her and say, Emu or Saki. The vibe difference is, of course, that Mizuki is making an active effort to be as palatable as possible. But I noticed something more specific about that, that is, to me, equal parts cute and OW OW OW OW OW OW:

Mizuki totally acts like a kids' show character. Specifically, a Precure leader. (Which makes sense, given that Precure's almost certainly what MiraMagi Definitely Isn't, in the same way that TrickTrick Definitely Isn't TikTok.) Every kids' show protagonist is going to be niceys, obviously, they need to be good influences. But! There are still differences in the brand of niceys that each little kid franchise character embodies. And Mizuki's mask matches the Precure flavor just about perfectly...

What's most significant to me is that she's like, pushy about doing favors for her friends. Refer to her bullying Niigo into Going Out And Doing Stuff Because It's Good For Them. "Helpful to a fault" is a trait that Toei loves to give lead cures. You will have your pink cure who runs around helping everyone with a smile 24/7 (I am looking directly at Heart and Lovely especially), and you will have one of the other characters off to the side sighing something like "There she goes again, wearing herself thin because she is Just Too Nice. She doesn't know when to quit!".

There's also a second brand of "'helpful' is her one negative trait" cure, and that's the one who continually kills The Grumpy One with kindness, while the grumpy one in question thinks "Wow what a weirdo. Why are you so nice." (This time I'm looking directly at Peach, Heart and Lovely again, Miracle, and Star)

In general, she really often chooses to show her emotions in a very simple way, and it totally reminds me of how characters in anime for younger audiences tend to talk. When she's displaying 'really happy', she often takes a tone more akin to "announcing to the viewer" than "normal happy person". There's like, a lot of energy, and a sort of singsong tone, it makes me think of the recaps that tend to happen at the start and ends of Precure (and baby anime in general) episodes. The like, "Hi, I'm Firstname Lastname! I'm in 8th grade and this is my favorite thing! One day, a mysterious power turned me into a Precure, and now I fight bad guys!" thing. When she's displaying 'sad', she becomes a comical degree of mopey, and then bounces right back after a few seconds (refer to the "WAHHHHH MEIKO HATES MEEEEEE :(((((" card lol.) She also loves herself a good Noise No One Makes In Real Life... the breathy "a-haha..." sort of laugh when she's embarrassed, "Kyaa~!" when something cute catches her eye, drawn-out "Eeeehhhhhh?!" when she's shocked.

There's also a little bit of like, "irresponsible, but so cute about it that you can't get mad at her". Like in the Ena5 aftershow, where Ena's like "I'm glad you're here to make MVs again but don't demand a million drawings from me ok?", to which Mizuki is like "It's fiiine you can just pull an all-nighter for me :) can't you :)?". It reminds me of how half the lead cures are either Bad At Their Homework or Forget About It, and then wetly and pathetically and cutely beg the rest of the main cast to help them.

I dunno I just think it's. Extremely Mizuki to select the type of character whose worst flaw is "annoyingly nice and happy" as the basis for how she presents herself. If the person you pretend to be around others is totally perfect, it's weird and offputting (hi Mafuyu), so she has to display some kind of flaw. But being imperfect also opens her up to harassment, so of course she goes for the most hard-to-hate imperfection she can think of as her One Failing. And I also think it's Extremely Mizuki to have so much love in her heart for characters primarily designed to spread messages like "always be kind", "do the right thing" etc etc.

Mizuki is a little dweeb who likes cute low-stakes anime about peace and love on planet earth. And also she is not doing well mentally and all she wants is the peace and love on planet earth that her animes show. God. I love her